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This morning while we were having breakfast , the phone rang , and it was Victoria from Russian Adoption Facilitation Service . She had heard that our day in court went well , and she just wanted to make sure everything was going alright . Victor picked us up at 9 : 45 , and then we stopped to get Marsha on the way to the orphanage . When you first came downstairs , we gave you some pretzels and juice . We had a short English lesson , and then we taught Marsha how to play Pretty Pretty Princess so that we could play . Daddy was the princess this time . After we played this game , we decided to go outside for awhile . Your teacher and your group were out there . We taught the children Ring Around the Rosies and London Bridges . The teacher and the children taught us how they play Cat and Mouse . A lot of the children came up and gave us hugs . Several times you started walking away from the group looking sad , and we would have to go and get you . After playing outside , we went back in and waited downstairs while they were preparing lunch for your group . You came downstairs to invite us up to see the children eating lunch . As each child finished his soup , he would hand his bowl to you , and you stacked them on the table . Then each child went to a counter to get their second course . As the children finished lunch , they started undressing for their naps , and it was time for us to go . We went back to the apartment for lunch , and we got a phone call from home . We talked for about ten minutes and then told them to call back in three days . Victor and Tamara picked us up early because we wanted to take ice cream to the children at the orphanage . We wanted to take ice cream to all of the children at the orphanage , but the doctor had told us yesterday that some of the children in the other groups had colds , so we should only bring ice cream for your group . We could take candy for the other groups , which is what we did . As soon as we got to the orphanage , Tamara took the candy we bought to the other groups , and we took the ice cream upstairs to your group . When we suggested that you pass out the ice cream to the children , your eyes lit up . The children were extremely excited . While all of this was going on , the children from another group ran in with their candies to thank us . After you finished your ice cream , you went to wash your face , and then you came downstairs with us . We had another English lesson with Tamara , and then we showed you how to play Candy Land , which you won . After Candy Land , I brought out the felt board which you seemed more interested in this time . We still had plenty of time left , and so we asked you if you wanted to play outside . You said , " no . " Tamara asked you why , and you said because the other children would try to play with your Mommy and Daddy . Tamara told you that we could each hold one of your hands , and we could take a walk as a family . You liked this idea , and so you told us you would go get ready to go outside . While we were outside , we noticed a girl staring at us . I remembered her from the April Fool 's Day celebration . She had a major part in it , and I remember that she was a very good dancer . As she stared at us from a distance , Tamara told us that she has seen this girl at the orphanage several times before , and she wondered why she had not been adopted . While we walked around the building with you , Tamara went to talk to the teachers that were out on the playground . When we met up with Tamara again , she told us something terrible that happened . She had gone over to the teachers to ask why this girl had not been adopted . She didn 't realize that the girl had followed her and was sitting on a nearby bench when the teachers were explaining that her parents rarely visit her but that they have not given up their parental rights . This means that the girl is trapped in the orphanage . The little girl is almost 7 and understood everything that was said . She started crying until the teachers realized this and went over to her and told her what a smart girl she is . This made her feel better . I felt very bad for this little girl . After we went outside , we played with you a little longer . Daddy and I learned how to say " kiss " and " hug " in Russian , and every time we used those words , we got what we asked for . We have only known you for 5 days , but we are all very attached to each other . You are a little doll , and we love you very much . We reminded you that tomorrow you will be coming to spend the day with us at the apartment , and then we said " good - bye " to you . We then came home for dinner . This was an exciting day ! After we picked up Marsha , the interpreter , we stopped at the post office to make a call home . We have been having trouble trying to call the United States from the apartment . The calls are just not going through . At the post office , there are about 8 phone booths . You first go to the window and write down the number you want to call and how long you want to talk . You pay for the call and then sit down and wait . After a few minutes , a voice comes over the loud speaker announcing , " Call to America in booth # 5 . " We jumped up and ran over to booth 5 . The door was stuck . We pulled and pulled , and it finally opened . The connection was much better than it is in the apartment . There was no delay when speaking , and we could hear much better . We have decided that we will go to the post office to call home now instead of having them call us at the apartment . Not only is the quality of the call better , but we believe it is much less expensive for us to call the U . S . than for them to call us in Russia . At the post office , we paid about $ 1 . 00 per minute , whereas our Russian friends , Alex and Lorisa , told us it costs about $ 60 . 00 for a ten minute phone call to Russia . ( L to R ) : Olga , Marsha . Olga is Gaya 's daughter . She would come to the apartment and cook our main meal for us during the day while Gaya was at work . Marsha was a university student who sometimes served as our interpreter when Tamara needed to be at the high school where she taught English . Both of these pictures were taken towards the end of our stay in Birobidzhan when we took everyone out to dinner , but I wanted to include them here so that you could associate their names with their faces . We left the post office and got to the orphanage right at 10 : 00 . You were in a music class when we got there . You put on your coat and boots and we all went out to the car . You were very quiet as we drove to the apartment . After we got there , you told us it was a very long drive . It was actually only ten minutes . We brought you upstairs , introduced you to Olga , Gaya 's daughter , and then took you into our room . On the bed , were all the toys we have given you so far plus an outfit for you to wear , and one new toy . We told you that you could try on the outfit we brought you from America , but you weren 't really interested in that just yet . You wanted to play Candy Land , which we did . Marsha played with us , and you won again . After Candy Land , you were ready to put on the new clothes . It was a darling little red sweater with black buttons that had roses on them , and some black stretch pants . After you got the clothes on , we asked you if you would like to have your hair curled with the curling iron . You said , " no . " You just wanted to watch me curl my hair . You did want us to put the little red bow in your hair even though you already had a big white bow on . You looked so cute all dressed up like an American girl . After awhile , you noticed the little pink suitcase in our room , and you asked what it was . We told you it was your suitcase and asked you if you wanted to see what was inside . You liked everything in it , but your favorite items were the little butterfly necklace I brought for you , and the Barbie toothbrush and toothpaste . We put the necklace around your neck , and you looked so pretty . You immediately wanted to brush your teeth , so I took you in the bathroom . You loved the taste of the Barbie toothpaste . You carried that tube of toothpaste around for quite awhile , even sucking on it . We decided we better put it away , and you asked again later to brush your teeth again . We had a very nice lunch that Olga prepared for us . You ate a big lunch , and then Olga brought out a bowl of fruit . It had 3 apples and 2 oranges in it . In the next hour and a half , you ate all 3 apples and 1 orange . You also kept asking for candy . We gave you some , but we didn 't want you to have too much . When it was time for your nap , we brought out your Barbie pajamas . We put them on you , and got you settled in bed . We gave you kisses and told you how much we loved you . You looked so cute in the bed . We went out to the living room to play Uno with Marsha while you took your nap . After three games of Uno , Marsha could see that you were still awake . I think that you were so excited that you just couldn 't sleep , but you stayed in the bed until we came to check on you about 45 minutes later . You sat right up with a big smile on your face . When we tried to get you to lie down again , the interpreter told us you were saying , " I don 't want to sleep . . . I want to play . " Marsha had to leave , and so for awhile we didn 't have an interpreter , but Gaya 's daughter , Olga , was able to help us with you . We found out that she knows some English , and we were able to communicate with you . Olga played Pretty Pretty Princess with us , and you won again . At first , we let you win these games , but now you are winning fair and square . At 3 : 00 , Tamara arrived . We played Old Maid , and then we tried several outfits on you . You liked all of the clothes except the jean overalls . They looked cute on you , but you just aren 't used to wearing clothes like that . At the orphanage , they always dress you up in frilly dresses , and you probably thought the overalls made you look like a boy . You loved the swimsuit and you said , " I want to swim . " We told you we would go swimming in Moscow . We tried on your shoes which I think are a little small , but Tamara keeps telling us they are okay , and you tell us they are fine also , so I guess we will wait to get you new ones when we are back in the United States . The little black sparkly boots that I brought for you fit you perfectly , and you wanted to wear those in the apartment until they started to get warm on you . Just before it was time to take you back to the orphanage for dinner , we played " Hide the Kitten " with the soft stuffed kitten we brought for you . We took turns hiding it , and then we would say " Cold , cold , cold , " or " Hot , hot , hot " to indicate if you were getting closer . When it was your turn to hide the kitten , you always hid it in the same place - under the bed . After playing this game , we put your clothes from the orphanage back on you , and took you back there in time for dinner . I forgot to mention that while we were playing today , Daddy gave you some Russian coins . You were delighted with these , and you were even willing to let Tamara teach you how to count them in English . When we got to the orphanage , we hugged you good - bye and then I placed the coins in your hand and said , " Makayla - na Soom - kah " which means " Makayla 's purse " in Russian . You ran off to put them in the purse we had given you . For dinner , Gaya invited her boyfriend , Peter . The four of us sat down together without an interpreter . I said something to Gaya in English , but she motioned that she didn 't understand . We all sort of laughed and then sat there in silence . I decided to get out our Russian phrasebook , and Daddy and I tried to pronounce some of the phrases from the book . We were all laughing before dinner was over . Gaya also started talking about Ashley and Craig . She said " TV . " She wanted us to show Peter the video we made of Ashley and Craig on our video camera . Peter was very interested in this , and for awhile we thought he would never hand it back to us . I 'm sure he has never seen anything like this before . After dinner , I went straight to bed . I was exhausted . Today is Saturday , and Tamara and Marsha both had commitments in the morning . Tamara apologized for this and explained that she could be here at the apartment at about 11 : 15 . She felt really bad about this , but we told her it was fine . Victor picked us up at 9 : 45 a . m . , and we got to the orphanage at 10 : 00 . We found you upstairs with your group . We brought you to the car , and we managed to communicate to Victor , without an interpreter , that we wanted to go to the post office to make a telephone call . We told him to tell you what we were going to do , and he said to you , " Call America " in English . I said , " Ruski " because of course you couldn 't understand that English phrase . He told you in Russian , and then I said , " Ashley , Craig , Ba - booshka " and then you understood we would be calling home . We got to the post office , and then we asked Victor to come inside with us in case we needed any help . He helped us in two ways . He first told us that Daddy was standing in the telegram line instead of the telephone line . Once we got that straightened out , he was able to tell us which booth our call was in when they announced the call to America . Grammie answered the phone , and I told her right away that we had you with us . I told her that I was going to let you talk to each one of them . You first spoke to Grammie , then Ashley , then Craig , and then Grandma Char . As you spoke to each of them , I showed you their picture , and I told you what to say . You said , " Hi , Grammie ! " , " I love you ! " , " Bye - bye . " It was really cute ! We told them we would call back in two days . We got back in the car and came to the apartment . Olga had brought her son , who is almost three , over to play with you . He is a very cute little boy . He galloped all over the apartment with a big smile on his face . We played for awhile and then Gaya served all of us lunch . While we were eating , Tamara explained to you that we were going to take you back to the orphanage for your nap . You told her that you wanted to take your nap here in the apartment . Tamara said , " But yesterday you didn 't go to sleep . " You responded with , " Today I will go to sleep ! " I could tell that you were very tired , and I told Daddy that I thought you would fall asleep today . We put you in the bed , kissed you and hugged you , and closed the door . We checked on you about 10 minutes later , and you were fast asleep . This was the first time that we had ever seen you sleeping , and we not only took your picture , we made a short video . Two hours later , you were still asleep when Tamara came back . She thought we should wake you up so that you wouldn 't be awake too late tonight . We changed you back into your clothes from the orphanage , and took you back over . We brought a bag of candy to pass out to the kids in your group , and this made them happy . We went outside and played ball with you for awhile . Daddy tried to teach you how to catch it . After awhile , the kids from your group came outside . We wanted to take your picture with some of your best friends , but you didn 't really like this idea . We had to coax you to smile for the picture , but you finally did . ( L to R ) : Makayla , Vika . Vika had been fortunate enough to go to the United States the previous summer to attend a summer camp with American kids . A family that met her was in the process of adopting her . She learned a little bit of English during her stay in the U . S . We decided to go back inside where we played with some dolls for awhile . After this , we wanted to have an English lesson , but you were not the least bit interested , and you just pouted . We told you we would play Old Maid if you worked on English for a little while , and you started to cooperate . Tamara explained to you that you need to learn these words so that when we get to America , you will be able to understand us . After Old Maid , it was time for your dinner , and time for us to go . We told you that in seven more days you will be coming to stay with us in the apartment . You asked where you were going to sleep , and we told you that Gaya would get a bed for you . Then you said , " I will sleep in the middle of Mommy and Daddy so that I won 't fall down . " I thought that was cute ! We kissed you and hugged you good - bye , and we told you that we would be back in the morning . On the way back to the apartment , we stopped at a grocery store to get some more bottled water . We have almost finished the two cases we bought in Khabarosk a week ago . We have to use bottled water to brush our teeth and for drinking so that we don 't get sick . While we were driving in the car , I asked Tamara if she got paid more to be a teacher or an interpreter . She said she made a lot more money as an interpreter than she does as a teacher . She told us we would be shocked if we knew how little she makes as a teacher . She said , " I will tell you if you promise not to tell anyone . " Then she told us - about $ 50 a month ! I asked her how she could even afford to buy clothes , because she always looks nice . She said she bought most of her clothes before the economy went really bad in August of 1998 . I wasn 't sure what she was referring to , so I asked Daddy about it when we got to our room . He told me that the Russian stock market crashed back then which caused the ruble to drop in value , and prices went way up . This makes me feel so bad for the people of Russia . They have so little compared to Americans . This trip has made me realize how blessed I am to be an American citizen . I was grateful before , but now I know first hand what it is like to live in Russia . Even when Daddy and I first got married and had very little money , we were better off than Russian doctors are today . I am very tired tonight , but tomorrow I would like to write more about life here in Russia . While Dad is in the shower , I would like to write about what it is like to live in Russia . First of all , when you are outside , you see very little color . Everything is a brownish - gray color except for the people walking along the sidewalks and streets . It is April , but there is no sign of spring in terms of green grass or green trees . Everything is brown . The buildings all look very old . The apartment complex where we are staying has about 20 buildings which are 5 stories high . Each apartment has a small balcony , and you always see laundry hanging from the balconies because these people do not have washers and dryers . Dad asked Tamara what happened with the laundry in the wintertime . She said it is not good because it takes a long time to dry , and sometimes it freezes . From the outside , these apartments can only be compared to buildings you would see in the ghettos in a large city like New York or Chicago . The stairwells look very bad . The apartment we are staying in is on the second floor . As we walk up the stairs , I look at all the doors to the different apartments . They are all different . One is covered with dark brown leather . It has decorative nails hammered into the leather to form a pattern . Another door has thin strips of decorative wood on it . The door of our apartment is just a plain steel door with rust on it . There is no handle on the outside - just a keyhole . The family that we are staying with consists of a lady named Gaya and her mother . We see very little of Gaya 's mother . She usually stays in the other bedroom . We have not seen her for at least three days , so I am wondering if she is staying somewhere else , but I haven 't asked . Gaya fixes us breakfast in the morning , and then when it is about time for her to leave for work , her daughter , Olga , comes over . Olga is here most of the day , and she fixes lunch for us which is the big meal of the day . One day Olga served us soup , bread , and salad for lunch . We were just about finished and ready to get up when Olga walked in with the main course . We were almost full and so we couldn 't eat much of the main course . That night Gaya asked us through the interpreter if we didn 't like what Olga served for lunch . We explained that we didn 't realize there was more food . Gaya speaks very little English . Her daughter Olga understands a little more from her English classes in high school . We found this out when you were here and we had no interpreter . We were able to manage with Olga . The inside of the apartment looks better than the outside , but it still doesn 't come close to comparing to homes in America . The bathroom has been the hardest to adjust to . It consists of two very small rooms . The toilet is in one and the bathtub is in the other . There is no sink , so when you want to wash your hands or brush your teeth , you have to use the bathtub . Yes , that means spitting your toothpaste into the tub ! Since we cannot use the tap water even to brush our teeth , we have to take bottled water and a paper cup in there each time . The shower curtain is paper thin . In fact it is made out of the same plastic that those very cheap disposable tablecloths for birthday parties are made out of - the kind that you use once and then throw away - only this shower curtain is used over and over again . The towel bar is actually a pipe that runs along the wall . The toilet is very crude . The flusher consists of a long piece of macramé that hangs from above . The toilet itself is covered with an old burlap toilet seat cover which is absolutely filthy . You just don 't even want to touch it , but there is no way around it . Every time I look at it , I think of my mother , because I know she would be absolutely disgusted by it . After being here for more than a week , I 've just gotten used to it . The bedroom that we have is decent , but the furniture is poor quality - even Target sells better furniture than this . The bedspread and drapes are made out of pink satin . There are also some white lace curtains . On the floor is a red Persian rug with many colors and designs on it . The kitchen is very small , and the appliances are also . The stove has four burners , but it is only about 2 / 3 the size of American stoves . The refrigerator is also miniature - sized , and it 's not even in the kitchen - it 's in the hallway . There is no dishwasher at all . When we were at the appliance store last week when I needed to get the curling iron and hairdryer , I noticed that all of the appliances sold in the store ( stoves and refrigerators ) were very small compared to those in the United States . The kitchen . The appliances were smaller than the ones typically found in the U . S . There was no dishwasher , and the refrigerator was in the hallway . I am sure that there is no one in this entire city ( perhaps even all of Russia ) that lives as well as I do . I am beginning to realize that there are probably very few people in the world who live better than I do . The sad part about all of this is that these Russian people are not in this situation because they are lazy . These are hard - working , educated people . Tatyana , who is our adoption coordinator , is a pediatrician , and she coordinates adoptions just to earn some extra money . She lives in these same apartments where we are staying . In America , she would be very well - off as a pediatrician . One thing that we have noticed about the Russians is that they are always dressed very well . Casual Friday would never work in Russia because the people like to look very nice , and they do . After being here for more than a week , it seems to me that they have nice clothes , but not very many of them . When you see all the people out walking on the streets , it makes for a strange sight because all the people look so nice , but everything around them looks so shabby . There are always many people out walking - probably because most of them don 't have cars . Driving in Russia is very different than in the United States . Cars absolutely have the right of way over pedestrians . Pedestrians have the responsibility to get out of the way when a car is coming because the cars will not slow down for them . When Slava , who drove us from Khabarosk to Birobidzhan , first brought us to the apartment , there were some small children playing in the road . Slava did not slow down one bit even though one of those little children could have darted out in front of the car . There have been many times when our car was very close to a pedestrian , and neither the pedestrian nor our driver seemed concerned about it . So many things about Russia are different ! This morning Victor picked us up at 9 : 45 , and we stopped to pick up Tamara on the way to the orphanage . We went right upstairs and I handed Mama Leda a bag of lollipops for the children in your group . She invited us to come in and sit down . All of the children were eating their lollipops . Many of them came over to us to say " thank you " and to hug us . They call us Mama and Papa . We went downstairs and told you that we had a snack for you after we had an English lesson . Mama Leda came downstairs and you showed her how you have been learning English . She was impressed . I got out a little pink purse that had all sorts of things you could use with paper ( stickers , markers , scissors , a ruler , glue , etc ) . You really liked these things , and you made some pictures for your teachers . After this , we played Hide the Cookie Box . This game always delights you . It was time for your lunch , and so we kissed you good - bye and told you we would be back after lunch and your nap . When we left the orphanage , we had to stop at a photography studio to have a picture taken . Tatyana needs it for something that has to do with the adoption . Being in that studio was like going back in time at least 50 or 60 years . The backdrops were just thin pieces of fabric hanging like a shower curtain . After the studio , we went to a store to look for some table cloths for the party we will have at the orphanage for your group on Friday . I was thinking about some bright plastic table cloths , but when we got to the store , I realized I would never find anything like that . Nothing that they had was at all bright . I ended up buying some blue and white checked vinyl . They will be able to use these tablecloths over and over . We came back to the apartment for lunch , and Tamara stayed to eat with us . At 3 : 00 , we went back to the orphanage to pick you up and bring you to Gaya 's apartment . When we got there , all of the children were still in their beds . The teacher was not in there , so we peeked in the window . Some of the children saw us and got excited . We decided we better sit down and wait . We could hear all the children talking , but they did not come out of the bedroom . Finally , the teacher came in and all of the children got up , got dressed , and had their snack . We brought you back to Gaya 's house , changed you into your American clothes and started to play . We always have a lot of fun with you . Tomorrow we have an appointment at 3 : 00 for you to get your hair cut . That should be fun . I love you , Makayla ! After we picked you up at the orphanage , we stopped at the post office to call home . Yesterday we taught you how to say , " How are you ? " and " I am fine . " So your conversations to everybody sounded like this : " Hi , Ashley . How are you ? I am fine . I love you . Bye bye . " Next we went to the dry cleaners . As soon as we walked in , I noticed that there were only 8 coats waiting to be picked up . In the United States , the dry cleaners always have lots and lots of clothes waiting to be picked up . We put the clothes on the counter , and Marsha told us the lady said that they don 't do shirts - only pants and coats . She explained that there was no place in Birobidzhan that does shirts . She suggested that we wash them by hand . We paid for the pants to be cleaned , and they told us to come back on Friday afternoon to pick them up . After this , we came back to Gaya 's apartment where Olga was waiting for us . We dressed you in a red plaid dress and gave you an English lesson . We worked on colors and numbers today . After your lesson , we gave you some crackers and cheese . You loved it . Then Olga had lunch ready for us . After lunch , you wanted to work with your paper , markers , and crayons . Daddy made you a paper airplane , and I made you a paper fan . Then it was time for your nap . After you fell asleep , we went in and peeked at you . You looked so cute . At about 2 : 30 you started to wake up . Tamara came , and we started to get you ready so we could take you to get a haircut . At the beauty salon , they put you in the chair , and you had a big smile on your face . The lady cut your hair , shampooed it , and then styled it . It looked just darling . We headed back home to the orphanage , and when Mama Leda saw your hair , she told you how pretty you looked . We went into the music room , and we played with a punching ball that Dad blew up this morning . After awhile , Tamara and I went upstairs to talk to Mama Leda about the party we are going to have for the children in your group on Friday . We will decorate the room while the children are playing outside . Tamara started telling Mama Leda about the pretty clothes we brought for you . Then she asked me about the dress you are going to wear to the party . She wanted to know if it was nicer than the other dresses we brought that she had already seen . I told her that it was , and I described what it looked like . Then Tamara said , " Oh , Laura , in Russia , we usually have just one dress for our daughters , and you have so many beautiful ones . . . This is our fate . " I said , " I wish I could take you back with me . " They both laughed . I really wish I could take them back with me . I think these people deserve so much more than they have . All of this is the result of a communist government - nobody gets ahead , even if you work hard . Hopefully things will get better for them now . It seems as though things are getting better in Moscow as our interpreter there explained . Maybe it will start trickling down to the smaller cities . Anyway , it was about time for us to leave , so we kissed you good - bye . We sure do love you . Tamara stayed for dinner here at Gaya 's apartment . - - - - Welcome ! - - - - Hi ! I 'm Laura . I enjoy sharing simple and delicious recipes that I serve my family and friends . To learn more about me , click here . |
We had a wonderful and busy week preparing for and taking our trip to Oklahoma . Kira 's brother recently moved there with his family , and it was the closest place we could meet up with her side of the family . After hosting our unexpected guest last Sunday , and with word that there was an illness going around with the Oklahoma relations , we opted to delay the drive for a day . That allowed for much smoother prep time but then we spent the first half of the drive in a heavy rain storm . We made pretty good time , and it was great to be with more children for Christmas . The kids had a grand time with their cousins , and their brand new baby helped us get an idea of how we will handle our next bundle of joy . Hakan was very gentle and interested , as we had hoped . We adults did not get much time together to chat and relax , but at least the kids will have fun memories of their cousins . Carver got along swimmingly with his cousin about the same age . Avey was the oldest , so was a bit bored with some of their games , but she led them on " spying " adventures . The kids loved their Christmas gifts , and even made some thoughtful ones for each other and us . Avey spent a lot of time on a beautiful Christmas card for us , gave Hakan a coupon good for 20 minutes of playing with her ( easily one of his top 3 favorite things ever ) , and even tried to get along with Carver for a few minutes ( a gift for everyone ) . We are driving home as I write this , and it has been raining nonstop for the last 6 hours . It 's dreary , but at least the roads are not icy . We are excited for another eventful year full of all the craziness we 've come to expect . We hope yours is full of joy ! [ Drumroll ] It 's a BOY ! We had a successful peek at the new baby on Thursday , and all is where it should be , for which we are very grateful . The due date is officially May 3 , 2016 , but knowing our track record it will probably end up being late April , right during a lecture when I 'm in the city . We are also excited to find out that it 's a boy , not that a girl would have been disappointing , but just because now we know . Truth be told , Avey was heartbroken to find out that she will again be the odd one out . Especially with the age gap between Carver and her , but with the boys all about 2 years apart , Avey is feeling a little like a lioness among puppy dogs . Thankfully she has good people skills and makes friends easily . She 'll just need to form some lifelong friendships with some girls her age . We had a very busy week otherwise . I started to feel a little under the weather on Monday . Tuesday was bad enough that I didn 't go into the office , but tried working from the public library , and then Wednesday was completely lost . I slowly felt better on Thursday and have been making strides since , though I 'm still not there all the way . For example , yesterday I was very tired and said that I could do just about anything that did not require thinking or jogging , to which Avey replied , " You could do both of those together by jogging your memory . " Hakan was about a day ahead of me with the illness , and Kira is now a few days behind , although hers seems milder . At least it is all coming now before we travel , and after the semester . Yesterday included a random line from Carver , which is usually good for a laugh . Carver was giving me a big hug , and we were in such a position that Hakan could reach him , and Hakan decided that he wanted to hug me too . To express his jealousy , Hakan began to whack Carver lightly on the back . Carver , in response , said to me , " This is why I want Hakan to go to jail . " The rest of us erupted in laughter , and eventually came to clarify that Carver would simply like Hakan contained on occasion . Lastly , and perhaps most random , yesterday evening , as I was pulling into the driveway after some Christmas shopping , I received a call from my sister . Apparently , her roommate had missed a connecting flight and was stuck in Chicago until this evening , but had no place to stay . After a little coordinating , I picked her up and we had a guest ! I had met her before , so it was nice to know who it was . What 's funny is that the kids have not left her alone since she woke up this morning . Avey is excited to impress her , Carver wants to show off his singing and superhero pajamas , and Hakan just wants to flirt with her . He almost wouldn 't nap this morning because he couldn 't stand to be away from her for that long . We 'll have to arrange for her to join us another time so Kira and I can get a weekend away . I 'm noPosted by On one of the bath days this week , I took on a little too much . I had bathed Hakan and then Carver , but the water was not draining . As the boys were running around in their diaper and underwear ( respectively ) , I tried to get the drain unplugged . Hakan was most interested in the process , and watched for a while . That boy has a strange fascination with the bathtub whenever anyone is in it , or at least any water . He explored this fascination as I worked by throwing things into the water . Mostly he threw bath toys , which was a little distracting , but no problem . Unfortunately , as I was focused on what I was doing with my hands , he got an idea to add some variety to his experimentation and tossed his favorite blanky in the tub . I grabbed it out as soon as it hit the surface , but the damage was done . The blanky was far too wet for use . The especially sad part was that it was bedtime , and this boy needs his blanket for bedtime like I need a spoon to eat soup ; it may be possible without it , but why bother ? Kira quickly threw the blanky into the washer ( it was long overdue for a wash anyway ) , but he needed sleep right away . We got him in jammies and gave him the binky , but naturally the essential piece was missing . I explained in terms he understood , " Blanky wet . Sad . " He completely agreed that the blanky was wet , and the situation was sad , but he did not seem to understand why he could not just have his blanky dry now . How does one explain the laws of physics to an 18 - month - old ? We offered him other , similar blankies , but he wanted nothing to do with those impostors . Thankfully , he eventually nodded off , and we draped his by - then - dry blanky over him . Continuing the nightmare , however , he awoke at midnight screaming for his blanky , apparently dreaming about the drama . I had to take him and show him by nightlight that the blanky in his arms was in fact his precious . It must have felt and smelled just different enough to him that it seemed to be an intruder , but he eventually went back to sleep with his dear blanky to keep him warm and safe . Now it seems that he 's soaked it in enough drool , or whatever , that it smells and feels familiar again , and all is right with the world . Carver had a good one this week too . Yesterday was a breakfast with Kira 's ward , where the kids got some candy canes . They were trying them out as we drove home . Carver asked me to help him open the plastic in which it was wrapped , and gave it a try . As I turned my attention to getting us home safely , I hear him shriek , " It 's poison ! " The look on his face seemed like the traditional holiday treat might really have been deadly . His reaction was quite humorous , but we think he meant to say that the peppermint was a little too spicy for his tongue . He 'll get the hang of English eventually . I am done with grading for the semester , and now am just preparing for the next one . This is Avey 's last week at school before the break , and we 've got a lot going on . We will find out the sex of Baby # 4 on Thursday , as long as ( s ) he cooperates . If you haven 't placed your bets yet , now is the time ! We are so busy with the normal routine of feeding , bathing , clothing , and tidying up after our kiddies that we are often wont to nothing else . I have hoped to get to hanging some Christmas lights on the house , and we still have some holiday shopping to do , but every time we get a few minutes of quiet , we find ourselves either doing other chores that desperately need doing , or relishing in sitting down . Somehow , we managed to pull ourselves away over the weekend for some events in a neighboring township . Hopefully the kids will remember these times with fondness , because it was mostly chaos and stress for Kira and me . The kids remain in strange phases . Carver still has a rough time getting talked into eating , and Hakan has been keeping us on our toes with his sleeping . For a few nights in a row , he woke up somewhere between midnight at 3 : 00 a . m . as if he were ready to start the day . To keep his squeals of delight from waking his brother , we resorted to bringing him into our bed and laying him down so that he could get the picture that it is still sleepy time . Some nights it has worked after he lays for a long time with us , but a few nights either Kira or I have had to get up with him so the other could actually get some sleep . He gave us a few nights of rest , but then started up again on Saturday morning , keeping me up for an hour . Fortunately , the semester is almost over , so I have little scheduled , but it 's certainly not good for our health . We hope this phase passes soon . Carver is a big fan of the yogurt that comes in individual tubes that he can squeeze . However , he has had some difficulty ensuring that he gets every last drop . Ergo , he must often request Kira 's or my help . One morning earlier this week , as I was his meal wing - man , he requested my help to " fix " his yogurt . I enthusiastically responded , " Sure ! I can save the day ! " Carver chuckled at my silliness and said , " Dad , you can 't save the day . You 're not a superhero - look at you . " He had me there . I learned quickly not to compare my minor meal contribution to , for example , Superman 's repeated prevention of humankind 's destruction . I am rightfully humbled . At another meal just yesterday , Carver wanted to play the Question Game . This game dates back to at least my childhood , where the child " earns " a bite of food he doesn 't want only after answering a trivia question . Sometimes it is the only thing that will get Carver to take a bite of food . We were playing this game , and Carver frequently likes to suggest questions for me to ask him . He may say , " Daddy , tell me about who is Captain Hook 's crew , " which means , of course , that he wants me to ask him about Captain Hook 's crew . Yesterday , just before a bite , Carver lit up as he got an idea . " Daddy , ask me where goldfish come from ! " I was impressed that he would want such a difficult question , so I obeyed . " Carver , where do goldfish come from ? " He thought for a second and then said , as if he were actually answering the question , " I don 't know . " Upon further reflection , I 'm glad that he has the humility to admit that some things are beyond him for now . We thoroughly enjoyed our little Thanksgiving at home , except that the night before Kira discovered a little flooding in the basement . All of our snow had melted and it rained for two days straight , but fortunately , the water was not too much to handle , and once we knew it was there we could keep up on it easily . It 's been dry since the rain stopped and the leak should be repaired soon . Even so , we kept our spirits high with foodI have just about two weeks left of the semester , and we are really getting excited for a real winter this year , with snow and all . Merry Christmas ! It 's been a remarkably mild autumn so far , so we were beginning to feel a little like all of the talk we 'd heard of the frigid temperatures was exactly that : just talk . And then we saw yesterday in the forecast . It was our first snow in Illinois , and it was all that we had imagined . We got probably 6 inches or so before it finally let up . Then I was off to shovel our two - wide driveway , which did wonders for my back . My strapping young sons watched from the comfort of the front room . Hakan 's Winter Ensemble Hakan was very curious about all of this cold white stuff falling from the sky , and quickly mastered the word , " snow . " Once outside , however , he trotted around for a few minutes in it ( wearing Carver 's cowboy boots ) , and then found a nice , freezing cold puddle that he could plow through a few dozen times . He had a grand old time , and then after finally dragging him inside , we discovered two things : that the boots were not waterproof at all , and that Hakan must have an enormous tolerance for discomfort . Most importantly , we built a snowman . We somehow ended up building him leaning over as far as possible without falling , but at least that way , when we look at him from inside the house , it looks like the wind is blowing wildly as if about to carry him away . The night the snow started , we all attended a variety show put on by Avey 's school . Avey decided that she wanted to read one of her original poems she 's written since we moved here . She was so brave to stand in front of all the crowd and read her poem all alone , but everybody loved it , and she was great . Unfortunately , the big news of this week was nothing pleasant . My step - grandfather passed away on Wednesday following a quick decline after a hip injury . Our sympathies go out to my grandmother and everyone who knew Lee . He was my grandmother 's second husband , after my grandfather passed away about 10 years ago . I wish I could make it to the funeral this week , but it 's just too much to miss in the middle of the week , and at a crucial time in the semester . My thoughts will be with them . We 've had our own ( relatively minor ) health troubles in the house too . Avey had some tummy trouble earlier this week and went to bed feeling crummy , only to be abruptly awoken around 9 : 45 by the contents of her stomach spreading out all over her bed and pajamas . After some damage control , she was back asleep without further incident during the night . Although we 've been spared further vomiting , her tummy still is not quite back to normal - her appetite is very meager . As if that wasn 't enough for us , Hakan came down with a fever and very stuffy nose early in the week . The poor guy was miserable most of the time , and it seemed the only comfort he found was in being held . Nights were the worst , as he would wake up furious at something , and completely inconsolable . We managed to ride out his screams until he was back in reality for a moment , but then he insisted on sleeping between us in our bed . That wouldn 't be so bad except that he likes his space and will kick until he has it . I spent most of this week 's night hours precariously perched on the 6 inches of mattress nearest its edge . The tragic dance of life continues as I complete yet another pass around the center of our solar system . My family did all that they could to help ease my transition into being 34 . Kira let me sleep in and then took the kids to pick up some groceries while I took my time getting ready for the day , and relaxing a bit . When they got home , Hakan slept , and I fed the kids and opened my gifts . Carver got me an awesome Hot Wheels truck . I don 't necessarily care much for toy trucks these days , but I know how much he loves them , so I was very moved by his thought to get me something that is so cool to him . Avey made me a " Birthday Boy " crown out of yellow paper , and so I wore that most of the day . Kira , along with some wonderful gifts of things I needed , was very kind in taking over many of my daily chores . I also had some kind and generous gifts through the mail and email , and some delightful phone calls from far away places and people . For the day 's festivities , Kira talked me out of moping around all day . Instead , I thought the kids might enjoy experiencing a little of my daily commute experience . We went to ride the train into the city . On Saturdays , the train comes infrequently , so we prepared for a specific time , and headed to the station . I should have thought ahead better , though , because the ticket office was closed , leaving us to purchase our tickets on the train , but they take only cash . Kira and I rarely carry cash . The train was due to come in about 4 minutes , so I ran frantically from business to business asking if they do cash back or have an ATM . No luck . I gave up and went back to the station , knowing that we had 2 hours until the next train would come . I checked my watch to see that the train was late , and decided to make one last attempt to make this work . I ran across the tracks ( legally ) and found a Walgreens with an ATM . I made it back just in time to get us all on the train and into the city . The train was the most packed I had ever seen since we moved here . Apparently everybody in the suburbs decided to celebrate my birthday with us . Kira and the kids found some seats while I tried to keep our enormous double stroller out of everyone 's way . Somehow , we made it to Chicago intact . Every day I cross the bridge next to the train station and look down at the river taxis in the water , and I think , " Jeepers , I bet the kids would have a swell time riding on that ! " So I wanted to be sure they got to . We found one just about to leave on a 15 - minute trip , so we plopped in for a leisurely boat ride through the city . We went under several bridges , and it was a unique view of all of the skyscrapers from a river in the middle of Chicago . We all agreed afterward that the boat was our favorite part . Hakan even kept us all entertained with his " OOOooh " s and " WOOOAAAH " s , while often waving at people walking by or in other boats , " HIIIeeee ! " We then rode back to the train station on a bus to complete the circle of public transportation available , but missed our train home by about 60 seconds . It turned out to be okay , because we were then able to feed Hakan his meal and Carver got a good nap , passed out in the stroller . On the ride home , I ordered a deep dish pizza ( compliments of my siblings ) , which we then picked up on the way home from the station . After getting Hakan in bed , we then all settled in to watch Pixar 's Inside Out , even letting Avey and Carver stay up past their bedtime . It was a delightful film : fun for the whole family . It was about as good as a birthday can be at this age - we made good memories as a family ( and ate a lot of chocolate cake ) . Here 's to another great year ! [ Yes , the title is also that of a The Parlor Mob song . ] Carver has had little interest in eating for some time now , preferring instead to entertain himself with any number of toys and / or activities . Ergo , whenever he shows any interest in food , we are quick to respond . For breakfast lately , he fishes out the same foods every morning - baby food fruit , baby food meat mixed with baby food greens , yogurt , milk , and cheese slices . He likes to start off with his fruit , which is easy enough because we just open it up and shove a spoon in his hand . But as we busily work to get his meat and greens mixed , while also trying to keep enough food within reach of his younger brother , Carver often gets annoyed with us . He starts with the whiny tone of a 3 - year - old , " Dad , " which is always a winner around this place , and then finishes with the gem , " it 's taking too long to open my yogurt . " What he means to say , of course , is " Father , at your earliest convenience would you be so kind as to open my yogurt for me ? I lack the skill . " We had a great Halloween yesterday . It rained all day , but that didn 't keep Avey and Carver from running around the neighborhood , threatening mischief unless treats were offered . They came home with a big stash of goodies that is sure to last until next October . We have hoped for some time that Carver and Hakan would find some common interests and become good friends . Of course , as soon as Hakan joined the family , he and Carver started out with very different aims ; Hakan was just trying to figure out what the heck was going on , and Carver was coming to grips with losing a good chunk of his parents ' attention to a little fussball . We figured it would take a while before they got to actually liking each other . Fortunately , it seems that the much awaited day has finally arrived . They 've been playing together more and more in the last little while . One of their favorite games is to set up their chairs to face each other , and then play some bizarre game where they sort of kick each other 's feet . At least they are gentle , for now . We also found just yesterday that when Carver gets on his knees and says , " hug , " Hakan will run right up and wrap his arms around his brother . Sadly , the same method does nothing for Kira , Avey , or me . These guys are sure to become partners in crime very soon . We can 't help but wonder what kind of mischief they will get into once Baby # 4 is old enough to mimic them . We are excited and overwhelmed by the thought of having another child join us . There is a lot of work and planning to do before we 'll feel ready . It 's funny , because just in the last few months when we 've been out in the city or wherever , I have caught myself feeling like we were missing one of the kids , until I count them and realize they 're all there . Now I 'm a little worried that I 'll forget one or two when we are out and about . Luckily , Hakan reminds us what we have to look forward to . He is in a wonderfully adorable stage now where he often tries to repeat the last word of our sentence , but with more excitement . We 've tried to catch him on camera saying his siblings ' names , but to no avail . When he says Avey 's name , he lights up like a firework , and says through an enormous grin , " Aybee . " I asked him today to say " lion , " and he just roared . Carver asked him to say " cow , " and he responded with a " moo . " Such a stud . We are mostly feeling like this next one will be a girl , but that 's probably mostly due to our need for symmetry . We would also enjoy all of the sound effects that would accompany another boy . We 'll know for sure around Christmas , so stay tuned ! Deep in the innermost shadows of their ultra - secret lair in the suburbs somewhere in Illinois , the Terrific Trio were in the middle of a heated debate . Their battles over the last several weeks had made them weary , and tested their resolve . Caped Carver spoke first . He was the bravest , and most combustible of the three . Agile Avey , the brains of the group , said , " Quiet , Carv . We mustn 't lose our heads . Bad guys can be defeated . We just need to know how . " Avey recalled , " It 's a daunting task . There are simply too many of them for us . I use my deadly reading skills against them , but I can speak only so loud before I am drowned out by Hakan 's shouting . There , I said it . " Carver , thirsting for battle , added , " Yeah ! And even though I am the best fighter in the whole world , I still need to take a break sometimes to eat a snack and watch some shows . I get boring [ sic ] of just fighting the whole day ! " The heroes had realized their plight . They were fighting an uphill battle against all of the imaginary bad guys that seemed to pour out of nowhere . All appeared hopeless . . . until , Carver nodded in agreement , although he did not quite understand the word " outnumbered . " He had learned through trial - and - error to just go along with whatever Avey said . Hakan , with the attention span of a newborn puppy , was already digging around in some drawers he located . Hakan , whose hands were soaked from the free - flowing drool ( his super power ) , was getting frustrated that they kept slipping off of the drawer handles . Avey ignored his whines of frustration . She was determined . Avey ignored her brothers as they struggled to keep up with her plan . She was already light years ahead . A " friend " was not enough , as they could never exercise the level of trust required within the Trio with a mere friend . They needed something far closer . They needed , a sibling . Mild - mannered parents , Eli and Kira , were just the sort to help out . They immediately began drawing up names and costumes for the new superhero . Before long , the Terrific Trio would become the Freaking - Awesome Four . With three family members coming to town this week , we spent most of our " free " time preparing for their arrival . We cleaned in between work and feeding children , and Kira did laundry every time she could make it to the laundry room . Avey worked hard to get her room in decent shape , and Carver and Hakan played extra hard to get their toys warmed up for performances . Avey had a good baptism . The biggest hurdle to clear was that the water was too hot , so that she took some coaxing to get in . We 'd heard that the previous time they used the font the hot water had not been working , so perhaps we voiced too much concern that the missionaries who filled it thought to go to the other extreme . Still , after a little work it was all done , and not a moment too soon , because the boys were getting awfully bored . I feel like I spent half of the program just chasing Hakan around as he tried to get into the cultural hall and swipe a basketball . Carver had been asked to give the closing prayer , and assured us that he would be brilliant at it . When the time came , he froze in front of the little crowd , and then started praying so softly that I 'm sure not even he could hear it . Avey , just a few feet in front of him , tried to encourage him to speak up , which set him off . He interrupted his prayer to whine at her and then mope . I was standing with him , trying to give him courage , and finally just got him to end the prayer . Had we waited for Avey and he to settle their differences first , I 'm sure we 'd still be in the room with our heads bowed . After the ceremony , we came home to change , and then Avey , my brother , and I all ventured into the city to show him some sights before he left this morning . We wish that he could have stayed longer , but alas . . . Thursday night was a real treat for me this week . I cashed in my birthday and Christmas gifts for the year and went to see one of my favorite bands of late , Franz Ferdinand . Kira was kind enough to let me stay out past my bedtime , and manage the kids by herself . I 'm not sure how I 'll top that for her gift , but I can try . We finished celebrating Avey 's 8th birthday this week . She was thrilled with all of her gifts , and really enjoyed the many elaborate treats she had us make . She 'd had her eyes on a recipe out of a Halloween goody recipe book . They are cupcakes that are made up to look like eyeballs . That was a lot of work , and a lot of sugar , but we survived . Otherwise , it 's been a typically busy week . I 've been plugging away at work while the kids push Kira 's buttons at home . Carver is in a relatively new phase where he wants to eat almost nothing . He used to have at least 5 or 6 main dishes through which he would shuffle , but in the last week or so he 's been refusing nearly everything we offer . I understand turning down broccoli and green beans , but peanut butter on bread ? He has basically limited himself to yogurt , and sometimes nachos . On the plus side , he has really excelled at entertaining himself at the same time . If left to his own devices , he will sit in a room and play for hours at a time with his cars or blocks or whatever else he can find . As long as Hakan isn 't trying to interfere with his play , Carver just keeps at it . Hakan has been in a weird phase too . Starting a couple of weeks ago , he 's been staying up until our bedtime , even when he should be exhausted . He goes right down for naps otherwise , but when the other kids go to bed and the sun goes down , the inner vampire in him wakes up . He mostly just runs around and climbs on stuff , but even when it 's clear that he 's ready to sleep , he screams like a banshee when we approach his bedroom . The only thing that works so far is lying down with him in our own bed with the lights off while he screams for a few minutes and passes out . Then we move him to his own bed as gently as we can . I 'm not sure this can go on much longer . It wears us all out . At least the good thing is that he sleeps in longer in the mornings . If only Carver could stay in bed past 6 , that would be something . Avey is turning 8 years old this week , which calls for much celebration . She decided what she wanted to do most of all was visit the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago . We had also wanted to check it out , so we all loaded up in the Ricksmobile and trekked into the city . It was a beautiful day for it . Luckily , we were able to slip past the long line and go in through the ADA accessible entrance ( thanks to 2 strollers ) . We stepped in to see all sorts of creatures . We saw everything we had hoped , including seahorses , an octopus , sharks , and even starfish ! We were surprised to learn about all kinds of underwater animals we had never before known . A Swarm of Little Shiny Blue Fish Hakan was pretty interested in the exhibits , but more than anything he just wanted to run around and have somebody chase after him . He , like his older brother , loves chasing games like nobody 's business . Carver 's Favorite Nursery Toy Ever Since we moved to Illinois , and maybe a little before , Carver has been playing an interesting game of pretend . He will tell us all sorts of stories about his " new family . " He starts out mentioning his new house or new dad , and all of the really cool things that he does or has at his new house . It is clear that he is not talking about our current home , because he makes up the most elaborate tales . Kira and I can 't help but feel a little concerned about his fantasy of a different family - we wonder if he 's not happy with us or something . After he mentioned his new dad today , I asked him if his new dad were cooler than I . Carver , still in story mode , said , " Yeah . " I asked if his new dad were more handsome than I . He didn 't even hesitate , " Yeah . " Then he went on to talk about why his new dad is handsome . With a jovial smile and a bit of a chuckle , he explained " . . . he just has this shirt with a guy on it , and the guy is like , ' hey , what 's goin ' on here ? ' ' He then laughed at the thought of such an hilarious shirt , and sighed . It looks like my wardrobe and I have some serious competition with Carver 's imaginary dad . Hakan is talking more and more . One of his favorite words this week is " No . " He understands the power of it , too , because he often will throw whatever he is refusing as he says it . My favorite word of his right now is " bread . " He , like most kids at this age , has a rough time with the letter " r , " so it doesn 't quite come out right . Instead , it sounds a lot more like , " blah . " What 's great is that he loves bread , so whenever we offer it , he gets really excited and shouts " Blah ! " It 's exquisitely adorable . Avey has all sorts of plans for her birthday . She has a favorite meal of macaroni and cheese planned , along with three desserts . More than anything , though , she is looking forward to having visitors in a couple more weeks for her baptism . The fun never ends here . We 've had some big thunderstorms recently . Luckily , they are almost always at night , so I don 't get caught in them on the drive home or anything . Because they happen at night , the flashing light and subsequent rumble of thunder have made quite the show a couple of times this week . The ironic thing is that the sound did not keep the children up , but it kept us adults up . Beyond that , the cruel thing is that the kids have gotten up other nights for no apparent reason . Hakan is in a special place developmentally . He is climbing on top of couches and beds , stomping around faster , and getting into interesting places . The downside of all of this is that he often finds new ways to get some bumps and bruises from his shortsighted escapades . Sampling the Bird Food His high - energy brother is no help either . Carver is usually excellent at entertaining himself , but when he needs some extra stimulation , he likes to see what kind of reaction he can get out of his sister - and she never disappoints . The sobbing and screeching will echo throughout the house when they get together . The strange contrast to all of this conflict happens sometimes when , for whatever reason , they decide to cooperate and play with one another . Carver can be a great buddy to Hakan , and Avey and Carver together have some of the best times . Naturally , Avey is a powerful entertainer to Hakan when he needs a good chasing . If only we could schedule their battles and treaties , we might manage a little better too . It 's been another busy week . Coming home from Colorado was a bit of a tease , because Kira was looking forward to having an extra pair of hands to help with the kids , and I was behind a couple of days on my work . We survived the week somehow , so maybe things will ease up this time . We 've enjoyed cooler weather this week , and even had to turn on the heat this morning so our kids ' feet wouldn 't freeze . We had our first department party of the semester yesterday . It was mostly a welcome party for the new doctoral students in the program , but it was a nice chance to show off the kids and wife to my coworkers . We also had a fun time heading into the city afterwards . We ended up going to visit my office , where we were the only people on the floor . The kids had a grand time running through the halls and sifting through my drawers looking for candy . I keep a little stash of peanut butter cups as a reward for a hard day of work , and so that my kids enjoy coming to visit campus . I am presently sitting at my mother 's kitchen table as I type this , for I am in Colorado . I broke away from the kiddos for a few days to be here as my youngest brother arrived home from Japan . It 's been a great trip so far - my sister also came out , and brought one of my nephews with her , so it 's been a little bit of a family reunion . We spent the first day preparing for his arrival , and subsequent open house . I mowed the lawn while my sister and her roommate ( who also made the trip ) painted the window with a big " Welcome Home " sign . That 's sushi rolls on the bottom , a " Hello Kitty " missionary on the left , and the Japanese flag on the right . It seemed to take forever for the evening to come , when Isaac 's flight would arrive . Finally , we took off for the airport , saw that his flight had landed , and watched as person after person flowed out of the terminal . Just when it seemed like he was never coming , we spotted him . He was home ! Kira has been home with the kiddies the whole time , doing her best to keep up with their constant demands . Naturally , Hakan had come down with a cold just a few days before my trip , and Kira woke up with symptoms the morning I was to leave . It sounds like things have been hectic , but they are surviving . I wish I could have the rest of the week off when I get home Monday , but I 'll have to head right back to work the next day . The first week of school is officially gone , and the verdict is . . . Avey loves it ! Each day she came home and , when asked how school was , she replied , " Great ! " She loves the new teacher , their library , and the fact that she gets a desk to herself instead of sharing a table . Her homework load has also decreased significantly from her previous school . They had her doing all sorts of busy work every night , but now she has less of that . In brief , she 's thrilled . My first week of students went well also . One of my courses is Forensic Science , and I am working on scheduling a tour of a forensic science facility in the area . That 's turning out to be a big hassle , but if I can just get it to work I think it will be a great experience for everyone . This would be an easier semester , I think , if I didn 't have a couple of deadlines coming up for my research . Add onto that the fact that I am chairing another student 's dissertation and supervising a graduate research assistant , and I 've got a lot to do . I need a couple of more weeks to get settled into the schedule and timing , and I 'm sure it will all be okay . Part of the pressure for everybody is a looming deadline this week . On Thursday , I fly back to Colorado for a very exciting reason - my youngest brother is coming back from an LDS mission to Japan ! I haven 't seen him in 2 years , so it will be great to reunite and hear all about his shenanigans . I wish the kids and Kira could come too , but flights were just too pricey . Hakan has really been working on his words lately . He seems very focused on the sounds we make when we speak . He now says words like , " go , " " car , " " cat , " and so on . He also tries really hard to say things like , " squirrel , " and " banana . " His latest obsession is Kix cereal . Just a moment ago , Kira put a plate of it down in front of him . He was holding a pen in one hand , and took a moment to decide how best to proceed . He then threw the pen to the floor so that he could shovel fistfuls of the cereal into his mouth . At the moment , his cheeks are stuffed with them like he 's a chipmunk saving for winter . Good stuff . Today marks the official last day of our summer break . Avey starts the 2nd grade tomorrow ! She is really excited , and I think the boys are looking forward to having less competition for Mom 's attention during the day . Looking back , we accomplished quite a lot over these past few months . We picked out a home , moved across the country , and got nearly all the way unpacked in just a few weeks . Carver , arguably , has made the most progress this summer , as he became potty trained . He has been accident - free for about two weeks now . A few days ago , I moped that nobody cheers for me when I finish using the water closet . Avey rolled her eyes and said , " Dad , you are 33 . You were done with potty training like 20 years ago . " Although Avey was right that I 'd been through with it for a long while , I was a little insulted that she was 10 years short in her estimation . I spent most of the week in meetings for my new job . I had new faculty orientation , a psychology department meeting , and I attended a convocation for the incoming students to kick off the new year . As a new faculty member , I was seated on the stage with a few others . It was pretty neat , and an exciting way to kick off the semester . I start teaching on Tuesday . Hakan has been climbing like it 's his job . Just this week he managed to get up on the couch by himself , and then made it onto Carver 's bed . If he could be careful once he 's up high , that would be one thing . But the kid loves to run about bounce and fall . It 's a good thing my insurance kicks in soon . . . This week , our desperate attempt at sucking all of the enjoyment out of the summer landed us at a nearby fishing hole . It was actually a ton of fun for the kids . Kira offered to take them while I went in to the city to get some paperwork finished . There was a whole event at the pond , including a lady with a baby lemur for all the kids to admire and even pet . The kids had a blast playing at the park , learning about the lemur , and throwing sticks into the pond . I hurried to get my paperwork done , and then headed in to meet them there . I made it with just enough time before we had to turn in our poles , and managed to catch a little fish ! It was a successful day , and turned out to be one of the kids ' favorite activities since we 've been here . Avey has one more week before starting school , and so we are trying to do whatever we can to make the summer last . Unfortunately , I begin work tomorrow , so it will be more difficult for Kira to wrestle the kids and haul them around . I suppose the fun had to end some time , but there is still plenty in store for us . The reader will recall that last week I left off with the news that Carver had successfully made it through his first half day of potty training . Kira and I were most excited at his progress last Sunday , and lifted our heads from our pillows Monday morning with high expectations . To our dismay , despite Carver 's good mood and optimism , he had accident after accident throughout Monday . He finally found the potty in time just a little before bedtime , giving us cause to celebrate indeed , and perhaps renewing his resolve . After getting him to sleep , Kira and I were nervous about the rest of the week ; we were unsure whether we could abide these constant messes and interruptions , especially with our explorer - in - the - making , Hakan , wandering about . We were thrilled when Carver 's Tuesday was 100 % accident - free ! He was on top of it from first thing in the morning . Wednesday was just as successful , and by the end of Thursday it seemed that our diaper days were long since passed . Carver would go potty without us even knowing it was time . He would run in to report , and then help to tidy up . As of this moment , he 's had only one accident since Monday ! He really proved he had it down on Friday , when the fates decided to put him to the test . Kira decided to take the two older kids for a little day trip to see the Indianapolis LDS Temple . It was about a 3 - hour drive there , but they hit traffic on the way back , apparently due to some construction that had shut down a lot of the highway . The 3 - hour trip turned into 5 hours on their way home . Fortunately , Carver managed to stay dry through each of the long parts of the trip . We are officially in the maintenance stage of his training . We need to get him focusing on night time now , but we are confident that he can get that mastered soon . He is a motivated boy ! Our big adventure of this week was a whole - day outing to the zoo ! We packed up food , diapers , and sun block , and headed out on the 10 - minute drive . We spent nearly the entire day checking out all of the awesome exhibits . The kids had a blast , as did Kira and I . The zoo is much too big to see everything in one visit , and naturally the kids wanted to see the exhibits that were as far from each other as possible . We did our best to see as much as we could , but we have our work cut out for us next visit . In other ( and arguably bigger ) news , yesterday Carver was looking through the underwear we have waiting for him , and then announced that he is ready to start using the big - boy potty . We were excited to hear that , as we had been mentally preparing to finally focus on potty training this coming Monday . It 's nice when things like that coincide . Kira told him that he could start after " church day " which he understood as right after getting home from church today . He had been thinking about it all day , and got right into his underwear once he came in the door . After sitting on the potty for maybe 15 minutes , he had his very first success ! We are thrilled to have him make this developmental stride , and cannot wait to start changing fewer diapers between the boys . Posted by Because we moved here weeks before I actually begin my job , we 've had a lot of time on our hands . That was the plan , so that we could be sure to get all settled before the semester begins , but we 've had to make a conscious effort to make sure that we still enjoy the summer as well . Yesterday , our big outing of the week was going to visit the shoreline of Lake Michigan . Chicago has plenty of places to get wet , and we heard about a spot that was sandy like the beaches we imagine in our heads , so we headed over . The weather was warm and humid . When we staked out our spot , we were aching to get into the water . Even the sand was scalding our pampered little toes . We quickly put on our sunblock , got into our swim diapers , and dashed over to the water . The lake was like ice on our poor skin . It took me probably 15 minutes to ease in up to my waist , but after a while it was tolerable . Carver came in with me the most , getting about up to his chest into the water . The kids spent most of their time playing in the sand on the shore , and splashing as the waves came in . They enjoyed themselves thoroughly . It was a grand time , and we are excited to go again . Little other news aside from getting a few pictures hung and learning our way around a little more . We miss and love you all ! We are down to just the last few boxes to unpack , and almost everything has a place to " live " , as Kira calls it . We still spend most of each day trying to keep the kids fed , rested , clean , and entertained , so at this rate I 'm not sure I 'll get to much more work before the semester starts up . Also , my mind is constantly racing with all sorts of projects I could do around the house . I have big plans , just not much budget , for some improvements . Perhaps next summer . . . We have managed to find wonderful things to do . We have two great parks within walking distance of our home ( three if you include Avey 's school 's ) . This week , we also attended a local carnival put on by the city . We happened to choose the hottest , most humid day of the festivities , and had about 90 minutes of fun before getting caught in an enormous downpour . That was just about right , though ; it gave us a nice reason to move onto other things . Among the many improvement projects I 've been brainstorming , I 've come up with a few that can be done on a small budget . Two of them involved giving a much needed coat of paint or two to some of Avey 's furniture . She picked the colors and then helped me sand down a little bookshelf of hers and a wooden chair , both of which we inherited from other people . We then painted them and they look brand new now . Avey has made big plans for her room as well . For starters , she has decided , it seems , that her room should be entirely self sufficient for her needs . As such , she requested a small mirror to keep in her closet so that she can brush her hair and such in there . That 's all well and good , but Kira and I politely put our feet down after Avey had taken our potty training chair into her room so that she can relieve herself without stepping out of her sanctuary . She 'll take over the communal bathroom before long anyway , right ? She has also been obsessing over several appliances for her room . It began with the idea of a mini - fridge . We told her that she could work to earn the money for one ( even though the family refrigerator is about 5 feet from her bedroom door ) , and so she 's been talking now of earning money for a lava lamp , a shelf above her bed for her trinkets , and possibly even a soda machine . If she spent half of her planning and dreaming time actually doing the chores to earn the money , she 'd have a whole stack of mini - fridges by now . |
Although I would consider myself a reasonably political animal , I have been reluctant to write too much of that sort of content on this blog . I 'm a writer , first and foremost , and want my work to stand up on its own without my personal thoughts on certain subjects to seep in and jeopardise the relationship between the reader and the material . Any novel should be judged on its merits , the strength of its characters , and how their actions can be justified no matter how abhorrent . Knowing too much about the authors personal convictions blurs the lines in my opinion , which is why I 've tried to avoid writing too much of my beliefs here . Let the story do the work , basically . But this week has thrown up the most tumultuous and politically significant election result in my lifetime . Unless you 've been living in a cave you will know what I 'm talking about so there is no need to repeat it here . But all I will say is this . You might be nervous , worried , even frightened by the new American president . I am , a little . The world is taking a giant step into the unknown which is always scary , and some of the pre - election rhetoric has stoked very unpleasant discourse from certain fringe quarters who feel their ugly ideas now have mainstream attraction . To those who have fear , I say channel that fear . Be creative . Write . Paint . Be energetic . Art and literature are the best ways to express discontent and can never be silenced . Form your ideas , present them , respectfully . Attack prejudice through word and action . Shine a beacon into the dark corners and expose them to the light . Be funny . Popular culture is built on the creative elements of society , it 's up to us to provide the narrative . So , with that in mind , I 've decided to make my second novel Playing with Fire available to read . I wrote the novel in 2005 and after a fruitless search for a publisher , I consigned it to history . In the last year or two I 've fiddled with the manuscript on a number of occasions , and I documented those struggles in an earlier post . Over the last few weeks I 've revisited it and made some substantial cuts , removed a lot of clunky exposition , and given it a general tidy - up . I probably spent 50 hours at least on this , and I found it hard . Trying to keep the tone and atmosphere of the work consistent was a challenge . I wrote the novel in my mid - twenties , and my narrative voice has changed since then ( matured , hopefully ) . Keeping the spirit of my decade - old self alive was the aim , whilst paring the story back to its roots . Even now , the novel runs to about 135 , 000 word , which is pretty hefty . I regard it with fondness and a certain disbelief that I managed to write it at all . It 's not perfect by any means , but it represents in some way the man that I was . It was the happiest time of my life creatively , the words flowed like wine and took the book in directions I never would have envisaged . For that I 'm grateful , and kind of proud . So , late last year I wrote a couple of blog posts about a novella I had been working on . I talked about my feelings after finishing the first draft , then wrote a post about the re - write and the struggles I was having with condensing the manuscript down , plus some problems with story development . In the end , I did what I have done with a lot of my work - put the story in the too - difficult pile and moved on to something shorter . Usually I do this with some regret , but this fades as another tale swims into view . However this one wouldn 't let me go . I 've been thinking about it , on and off , ever since . I knew that there was something there that I liked , and the characters deserved some more of my attention . So over the last few weeks I 've gone back to it and done a final re - write , and now , with a deep breath , I 'm going to put it out there . I feel nervous about doing so , as the style and tone of the piece is really unlike anything I 've ever done before . The subject matter is dark and uncompromising , and on re - read this atmosphere is the main thing I like about the story . I 've pared back some more of the dialogue and tightened up some slightly loose character issues , and I think it 's about ready . A disclaimer before we start . At the risk of sounding like a TV voiceover warning , this story does contain some fruity language , explicit sex scenes and graphic violence in places . If this is likely to offend , probably best to avoid . There are things about this story that worry me , but that isn 't one of them . To paraphrase Kingsley Amis , if you 're not pissing anybody off what 's the point in writing ? And he was a genius , so it must be true . One last thing - this story is very loosely based on the Hold Steady song The Party Pit . A band whose music continues to inspire . Plus , they rock . His eyes snapped open and he clenched his hands into fists . The ritual had begun . He turned over in bed . Sharon was fast asleep . Again , part of the ritual . She was impervious to the sounds , and this riled him further . He had to deal with it , and she would only get cross with him if he complained . It was their baby , after all . He got out of bed and put on a pair of slippers . He added a dressing gown , careful not to make a sound . Satisfied , he made for the door . He opened it to find Rusty lying spread across the doorway , head lying on his paws , looking up at Hogan with infuriating , pleading eyes . Orange light from a lamppost spilled through the landing window and tinged Rusty 's pupils blood red . Like the devil 's eyes , Hogan thought . An all - seeing , all - knowing devil . The challenge was how to get him downstairs without setting off a fusillade of barking that would wake the entire street . Luckily , their house was at the end of the block and the neighbouring property was currently vacant , so any noise wouldn 't be too intrusive . Even so . This was the next stage of the game , and both knew their roles with precision . Hogan nudged at Rusty 's belly with a toe . The dog whimpered and rolled onto its back . Hogan drew a sharp breath . Don 't you bark , miserable mutt . He tried again , a little more forcefully this time , and Rusty got to his feet and scuttled down the hallway , tail wagging furiously . Hogan followed , prepared to exert more force to get Rusty downstairs , but this time the dog required no further prompting and was curled up in his bed by the time Hogan reached the living room . As he always did , Hogan shook his head at the sight of the bed . The Queen could sleep in it and have no complaints . A ' Premium Dog Lounger ' , it was called . Sharon had fallen in love with it after scouring the Internet for hours , dismissing one bed after another for the tiniest flaw . Then , just as he was about to lose his temper , she clapped her hands and pointed at the screen . ' Oh , it 's perfect , ' she had said . He peered over her head . ' At that price ? Fuck , I 'm surprised it isn 't gold - plated . ' She had smiled , and he wanted to please her , just to keep that smile going , one that he had seen so rarely in the last few months . So he said yes . She kissed him then , and one thing led to another , and everything was good . And at the start , he had enjoyed having Rusty . The long walks in the park broke up the day , and as a puppy , he was well - behaved and easy to house - train . But as the months went by , and Sharon 's grief and hurt grew , she projected all her love and affection onto the dog . Spoiling him . Buying him ridiculous presents , including designer clothes . Designer clothes for an animal . It started with a hideous waterproof jacket in black and yellow halves , which she said made Rusty look ' smart ' . She would walk him in it , showing off to all and sundry . Hogan refused to do the same , telling her it was embarrassing . But the gifts kept on coming . A dog collar with a tartan print , and matching bandanna . A zebra print lead . Last Christmas a pair of plastic reindeer ears turned up in the post . Hogan had spent Christmas Day with a dog dressed up like Rudolph . It would be funny if it wasn 't so sad . Yet , he could understand why she was doing it . Some days he would be hit with a depression so strong he could barely get out of bed . He would lie awake , tears rolling down his face , mourning the loss of their unborn child . They had been trying for a baby ever since marriage , and after nearly a year , Sharon had fallen pregnant . The early stages of the pregnancy had gone without a hitch , and they had been talking of the future , names and schools and all the rest . Then one night , she had awoken with a cramping pain in her stomach . Over the next few hours , she thrashed about in the sheets , gripping Hogan 's hand so hard her nails left crescent - shaped marks in his palms . Eventually , they both fell into a restless sleep . He woke up to a scene he would never forget . Sharon was gone . He sat up and heard crying , retching sounds coming from the bathroom . Sharon was sitting on the toilet bowl , sobbing . Her nightgown was stained red . He went to her and she buried her head to his chest , screaming . He managed to lift her to a standing position , the horror of what had happened starting to take hold . He lifted the toilet bowl and there were smudges of blood on the porcelain , the water a red syrupy colour . Their baby , gone . He saw finger smudges on the toilet handle and realised she had flushed the remains down the toilet . Remains . Their baby , reduced to a few marks of blood . Gorge rose in his throat and he swallowed it down . Sharon continued to cry . And as she cried , a small , unexpected well of resentment flowered in his chest . That she had flushed their child away like a common turd . He went to her , knowing that it wasn 't her fault , that she was going through hell . They cleaned up and phoned the hospital . Cried a flood of tears . But for Hogan , that resentment was always there , a little ember that glowed with every passing breath . Sharon was off to work early the next morning , after fussing over Rusty during breakfast . Hogan hated how the dog had encroached onto their meal times . This was especially prevalent at dinner , as Sharon insisted on feeding him morsels of food from her plate , carving off a slice of chicken and tossing it to the floor . It was like a medieval banquet , the decorum she showed . His protests , and there were many , fell on deaf ears . Whilst Sharon was off to cut hair and exchange gossip , Hogan made a cup of coffee and took it through to his office . He worked from home as a freelance writer for financial publications . The pay was surprisingly lucrative and he enjoyed the solitude . Until now , that was . Despite Rusty 's arrival in the household being Sharon 's idea , somehow the roles had been reversed and he spent more time looking after him than she did . Still , it was good that she was back at work . He hoped she would start to come to terms with the loss of the baby and they could get back some of the happiness that had been lost . Thankfully , the dog was asleep on his bed , and Hogan fell into his work . He wrote for an hour , then went for more coffee . As the kettle boiled , a tick tack of paws sounded on the lino , and there he was , barking and fizzing in and out of Hogan 's legs . Hogan sighed . It was time for the morning walk . It had been raining overnight and the park was likely to be muddy , so Hogan changed into wellington boots and reached for his parka , which hung on a hook by the back door . He felt the inside pocket for the familiar shape of his cigarettes . He had only been smoking again for three months , after a two year abstention . Ever since the baby , in fact . Sharon knew nothing , and he was happy to keep it that way . She would only be in his ear about it , but well , some battles you lose , others you win . He never smoked in the house , but had come to relish his morning cigarette . There had to be one pleasure from having a dog . He picked the least garish lead and hooked it to Rusty 's collar , and they were on their way . The cloud was low and ominous . The park lay beyond the row of houses in their block , and as Hogan passed the neighbours , he saw a figure in the upstairs window , polishing . A pile of boxes were stacked against the glass . So , new neighbours . As he made to leave the figure caught his eye . He waved at the man , but received no response . As they neared the park Rusty grew excited and pulled hard on the leash . Hogan unhooked him and Rusty bounded away across the field , barking with great gusto . He ran past the football pitch and stopped to sniff at a row of bushes before returning to Hogan , who retrieved a ball from his pocket and threw it in a long arc down the field . Rusty set off after it , and Hogan reached for his cigarettes . As he shook one out of the packet he saw Rusty charging towards another dog , barking loudly . There was a blur of white and brown fur as the pair sized each other up . In the distance , a woman was striding towards them . Hogan did the same . The dogs were sniffing each other as he approached . Rusty towered over his companion and gave the dog a playful nip on the backside . This set off a crescendo of barks . By now the woman had reached the pair and had separated her dog , putting him back on the leash . Hogan jogged the last few paces to meet them . She ran a hand through her hair , nodded . ' Moved only yesterday , as it happens . We live in the block over there . Saw the park and knew it would be perfect for Kevin . ' He followed the direction of her finger . ' Ah , so we must be neighbours , then . I live in the house on the corner . Welcome to the neighbourhood . ' She smiled . ' Thank you . It 's convenient for my husband 's job . Close to the airport , he said . You won 't see much of him . He 's away on business a lot . The high flying world of corporate law . ' She recited the words in a monotone drawl , like a prepared script . The man in the window , Hogan thought . He nodded . ' Right . I 'm the opposite , as it happens . I work from home . Freelance , you know . ' Kevin got to his feet and looked up at Jess with pleading eyes . ' Oh ok , ' she said . ' Well I 'm the dutiful housewife , so I 'm at home most of the time too . Anyway , I think this one has probably had enough for one morning . I 'd better be getting back . ' ' I 'm sure that 's a good idea , ' Jess said , tightening her grip on Kevin 's leash . ' It was nice to meet you , Mike . ' She moved past him . He caught a whiff of perfume . Hogan realised he was still holding the cigarette , and now lit it . He let Rusty off the leash and continued to smoke . He worked solidly through the afternoon , stopping at four to take Rusty for his afternoon walk . He thought Jess and Kevin might be out there again , but they weren 't . He got home just as Sharon walked through the door , carrying a couple of shopping bags . ' A dogbrella , they call it . You hold it like this , then he won 't get wet when going for a walk . Isn 't it great ? ' He placed his hands on the table . ' In this case , yes . This sort of stuff is a complete waste of money . I 'll look like an utter fool , carting that thing around with me . ' His anger rose a few notches . ' Well I 'm the one who has to walk the bloody thing every day . All you do is spoil him with pointless gifts that we can 't afford and he doesn 't even need ! I 'm getting sick of it , quite frankly . ' ' Sharon , he 's a dog . You treat him like a child . In case you 've forgotten , he isn 't one . ' Her voice lowered to a whisper . ' You bastard . Of all the hurtful things you could say . ' He closed his eyes . ' Look , I 'm sorry , alright ? But , and I hate to say it , you can 't get over what happened by doing this . ' He shrugged his shoulders . ' You know what , Sharon ? I really don 't know . You won 't talk to me about any of it , so I 've had to draw my own conclusions . I know you 're grieving . I am too . But this isn 't the way , and it won 't help . ' She started to cry . He made to go to her , but the venom in her eyes stopped him short . ' I 'll never forgive you for saying that . Never . Make your own dinner . ' She stormed out of the room , slamming the door behind her . Hogan kicked the umbrella across the kitchen . Nicely done , Mike . All the subtlety of a sledgehammer . But deep down , he knew he was right . He turned and saw Rusty 's eyes on him , and his hatred for the dog ratcheted up even further . ' What are you fucking staring at ? ' he shouted , and went back to his office . Sharon didn 't come out for the rest of the evening . He ate a meal of microwaved leftovers , then tried to talk to her . He knocked on the bedroom door and was met with silence . He twisted the handle . Locked . He stood there for a long time , apologising over and over , but in the end gave up . It was the spare room for tonight . Maybe for every night . Things were falling apart . Rusty was gone when he reached the kitchen . No doubt tucked up in bed , enjoying a better night 's sleep then he was going to get . Just as well . He couldn 't face looking at him again tonight . The air was cool as he stepped out onto the porch and lit up . The smoke curled up towards the upstairs window but the curtains were drawn . He stepped further into the garden , turned and looked up at the bedroom . No signs of life . As he did so his eyes lingered on the adjacent window . The curtains were drawn here too , but the light was on and two silhouettes could be seen behind them . He recognised the outlines of Jess and her husband . He was pointing a finger at her . Hogan thought he could hear raised voices . The figure of her husband moved towards her and there was a mingling of their shadows . Then both disappeared from view . For the next few days Hogan saw little of Sharon . They were in a battle of prolonged silences and resentment , and fighting for the right to sleep in the bedroom . Some evenings she would lock the door , others stay out late and take the spare room when she returned . Leaving him to wake in a large empty bed , starting the day with a hollow in his heart . Their conversations were nothing more than perfunctory , the barest of glances as they passed on the stairs or in the hallway . In many ways , he wished she would shout at him again . At least show she cared . This perpetual silent treatment was far more suffocating . In the end Hogan set up camp in the office and ate , slept and worked there . His only breaks were to feed or walk Rusty . Thankfully there had been no more presents since his outburst over the umbrella . Every time he saw it some of the old rage came flooding back . Without the dog , they had a chance . His presence was ruining everything . On their walks , he wondered about Jess . What the deal was with her husband . A guy who for all intents and purposes was never there . He thought she must be lonely , and realised that he knew how that felt . Since Rusty had arrived , loneliness had seeped into his being and was spreading . Then , one morning , he did see her . Sharon had left without walking Rusty , so he had his breakfast and then faced the inevitable . The clouds above were almost black but he thought they could make it before the heavens opened . He took an umbrella with him - the human kind . Dogs ? Well , they could make do . Rusty was in an energetic mood and tired out quickly . Hogan smoked his cigarette and as he extinguished the butt a drop of rain fell on the back of his hand . He tethered Rusty to the leash as the rain grew in strength , and as he looked up Jess and Kevin were coming towards him . She was wearing jeans and wellington boots . Kevin was free of clothing . The rain was coming down harder now , and Hogan struggled to erect his umbrella whilst keeping hold of Rusty . Once he did so , Jess and Kevin were upon them . She put up the hood of her jacket for protection . She hesitated , then joined him under the canopy . The dogs remained out in the storm . She shook off the hood and rubbed her hair . Hogan noticed a dark area of skin on the left side of her face , just above the jawline . It was disguised with make - up , but was definitely a bruise . A bad one . They set off across the field . Halfway home a gust of wind blew the umbrella inside out , and for a minute they were buffeted by the rain . As they reached the corner of the estate , the rain began to ease . Hogan looked at her . Inside , Rusty took the opportunity to shake himself dry , sending a spray of water across the kitchen , Hogan taking the brunt of it . This set Jess off laughing , and Hogan joined in . He couldn 't remember the last time he had really laughed . It had been a long while . Once the kettle was on he went to change and to find Jess a towel . On his return he found she had put the dogs outside , who were now bounding around the garden like old friends . He passed her the towel . ' Here , get yourself dry . I 'll make the coffee . ' She wiped her face and hair with the towel as he spooned coffee into mugs . With her skin now dry , he could see the bruise with much greater clarity . He thought of the argument he had seen in the upstairs window . But that was two and two making five . It was probably perfectly innocent . She blew on her coffee , put it to her lips . ' I wouldn 't know . He 's hardly been here . And now he 's gone again . Your guess is as good as mine . ' Again , that staccato delivery . ' Yeah , I haven 't seen my wife much lately either . Having a few problems at the moment . ' He had no idea why he had said that , and regretted it . She eyed him over the top of her mug . ' Yeah , well . That 's married life for you . It hasn 't planned out the way I thought it would . ' ' I 'm sorry to hear that . Well , if you ever need a chat , feel free to drop round . My wife could probably give you better advice , but um , she 's not in a hospitable mood right now . ' ' Hey , he said , ' it can 't be that bad , ' and that set her off into racking sobs . He crouched beside her chair , bewildered . She raised her face and threw her arms round his neck . He patted her back as tears fell onto his sodden shirt . They stayed that way for a long time . She kept her arms round his neck and now he could feel her breasts pushing against his chest . He adjusted his body and her arms came free . He got up and found a box of tissues . She took a few and wiped her nose and mouth . ' You know , if you hated my coffee that much all you had to do was say so . ' ' I know you did . Thank you . ' She hugged him again , then drew back and looked at him , their faces inches apart . She placed her hands on the side of his face and kissed him . Hogan was too startled to speak . She walked to the door and opened it . Kevin came dutifully to her . She waved once , and was gone . Hogan ran a hand over his lips . When he took them away , they were shaking . He sat at the table for a long time . He could feel the imprint of her kiss on his lips . He was mostly shocked by it , but a small part of him was thrilled . I have to talk to Sharon , he thought . No more games . We need to sort this out before it all falls to pieces . It was dark when Sharon returned home . The kitchen was clean and Rusty had settled down for the night . He was nursing a small whisky when her key scratched in the lock . He knew she would run to the bedroom , so followed her up the stairs . He managed to get a foot in the door before she had a chance to close it . She pushed vainly , but his strength was greater . The door opened wide . She was sitting on the bed , looking down at her hands . He closed his eyes . ' Look , we can try again . For another baby , I mean . There 's no reason we can 't have a healthy child . ' ' Easy for you to say . You don 't have a clue what I went through . I think about it every single day . Dream about it , about him . And when I look at you , it makes it worse . Seeing that anger etched on your face , like it 's my fault . It 's like a dagger to my heart . ' He felt his own tears coming now . ' Sharon , please . I 'm so sorry . All I want to do is support you . Look after you . I 've never blamed you . Never . ' She stood up . ' Then why do I not believe you ? And seeing the way you treat Rusty , I wonder how good a father you would have made . ' ' Rusty 's a dog ! Not a child . It 's not the same thing . And I 'm the one who walks and feeds him every day . I think I 'm doing a pretty good job . ' She walked to the closet and began rummaging through her clothes . ' Well , you 're going to get some more practise . I think it 's best if I move out for a while . ' Her face softened slightly . ' Look , I need some time to myself . To think about everything . I 'm not sure if we can get past this . I 'll be back to see Rusty . Check that you are looking after him properly . ' She threw a suitcase onto the bed and started throwing clothes into it . ' I 've made up my mind . You think this is easy for me , it isn 't . Leaving Rusty behind breaks my heart . ' He made to say something , but she raised a hand . ' I know I 'm asking a lot , but can you leave me in peace ? Right now , I just want to be out of here . ' She pulled away and called for Rusty . ' Oh darling , ' she said , ruffling his ears . ' Mummy 's going away for a little while . But I love you very much , and I 'll see you soon , OK ? ' ' Bye , Mike , ' she said , and before he could reply , she was gone . The hole inside him had grown , and he knew of only one way to fill it . He demolished the rest of the whisky bottle and passed out on the office couch , tears drying on his face . Rusty didn 't help . He was pining for Sharon and being difficult . Hogan confined their walks to no further than the end of the road and back . He corresponded with clients via email , ignored his phone and retreated from public view . The only person he spoke to was Sharon . It was a Friday when she turned up at last . Hogan was in the kitchen , clock - watching . He found he did that a lot in the evenings , listening out for her arrival . He missed her , that much he knew . And Rusty definitely did . ' Hi , ' she said . Rusty shot out of the living room at a rate of knots , covering her face with licks and slobber . Hogan took a breath and followed . ' Hi , ' he replied . She had done something to her hair , made it darker . It reminded him of Jess . ' Someone 's pleased to see you . ' Hogan gritted his teeth . ' So , ' he said as she extracted herself from Rusty and walked behind him to the kitchen , ' how have you been ? Where have you been staying ? ' He watched her remove her coat . She didn 't sit in her usual chair , instead taking the one nearest the door . Rusty came in and lay at her feet . She stroked Rusty . ' Well , this one looks as good as new . Maybe there is hope for you after all . ' She smiled , some kindness behind her eyes . ' Yeah , yeah . I get the message . ' They were both smiling now , and Hogan realised how much he missed this . The gentle banter , the affection . ' Listen , ' she was saying . ' Can I ask a favour ? I 've taken a few days off and booked a cottage in the country . Got a great deal on Airbnb . Very dog - friendly . Would you mind if I take Rusty with me ? I need some peace and quiet to think , and would love his company . Do you mind ? ' She drank a quick cup of coffee and gathered up Rusty 's things . She insisted on taking his bed and toys , and her car boot was full by the time they had finished . She slammed the boot shut and opened the passenger door for Rusty . He bounded in , circled a couple of times , then curled up in the footwell . She put a hand up to stop him . ' Not now , Mike . Please . Give us this time away , and when I get back , we 'll talk again . Sit down and figure something out . ' Hogan couldn 't remember the last time he had had a weekend to himself . Probably in the bachelor days , and as the weekend progressed he reverted to those old habits - getting up late , eating a vast array of junk food , drinking too much and generally not caring about any of it . He missed Sharon terribly , but the absence of Rusty did not make the heart grow fonder . It wasn 't the dog 's fault , but Hogan saw in this time off how much of a hold Rusty had over their lives , particularly Sharon 's . He knew that she would never agree with him on this , but he hoped that on her trip she would realise that her attitude towards Rusty was unreasonable , and having a detrimental effect on their relationship . The balance had shifted too far one way . Surely she had to see that ? Sunday brought with it torrential rain with didn 't let up all day . Hogan worked for a while , then spent a long couple of hours sitting in the kitchen , drinking whisky and thinking long thoughts . The weather had brought on a feeling of restlessness , and he needed to snap out of it . He carried his glass through to the lounge and switched the TV on . The rain continued to come down and he was glad to be ensconced inside . He found some football on one of the sports channels and settled down to watch . The whisky bottle was half empty when there was a knock at the door . It was late , and Hogan was tempted to ignore it . The knocking continued with greater urgency . Sighing , he got up to answer it . Jess stood before him and she looked an awful sight . She was soaking wet , mascara running down her cheeks . Her face was a mess , with an ugly bruise on her temple and swelling around her top lip . Her eyes were red and bloodshot . She was wearing only a thin summer dress with a cardigan over the top . Goosebumps were visible on her arms . She followed him without saying a word . He pointed her towards the bathroom while he found a fresh towel in the airing cupboard . He thought she would need clean clothes , so found an old blouse and pair of jeans of Sharon 's . Probably a bit too small , but would do the job . He added them to the towel and entered the bathroom . Jess was sitting on the toilet , head in her hands . He made them both a whisky as the shower started to run . He thought of her bruise . The vision of them arguing in the upstairs window . It was pretty obvious how she had been injured . The realisation made Hogan 's stomach crawl . The shower finally subsided as he stepped to the back door to smoke an impromptu cigarette . It was still raining so he stood inside and blew the smoke out . As he neared the butt , there was a sound behind him . Jess stood , eyes lowered to the floor , clutching a hessian bag to her chest . He dropped the cigarette to the patio and ground it out . He led her through . He took his usual seat and switched the TV off . She took the couch , sitting with knees pressed together and whisky glass clenched in both hands . She looked a little better after the shower . Her face was scrubbed free of make up and colour was returning to her cheeks . She wouldn 't look him in the eye , though . He could see that she was still scared out of her wits . ' Jess , what happened ? ' he asked . Silence . ' OK , OK , I understand if you don 't want to tell me . Although I think you might need to go to the hospital , that lip could need stitches . I can run you down there , no problem . ' This time she did raise her head . ' I said no hospital . ' She drained her glass . ' Another one of these wouldn 't go amiss , though . ' He made to say something but thought better off it . When he returned she snatched the glass and drank half of it in one swallow . After , the silence resumed . ' Why ? Maybe I didn 't cook his steak the way he likes it . He 's very particular about his food . ' Her eyes filled with tears . ' Or I could have left a towel on the floor in the bathroom . There could be any number of reasons . ' Hogan grinded his teeth . The fucking coward . ' Although tonight was worse than usual . I can tell when he 's going to kick off , you know . His nostrils get all puffy , like a bull 's . And the eyes . I dream about those eyes sometimes . The pupils get so wide it almost looks like they are black . ' ' So anyway , I was in the kitchen when he came up behind me and put his hand on my neck . I was so scared I peed myself a little bit . I tried to turn around but he slammed my head forward . I caught my mouth on the side of a cupboard , hence this . ' She pointed to her lip . ' He picked me up and hit me a couple of times . Usually he goes for a less obvious area . The belly , most often . I must have passed out for a bit . When I came to , he was standing over me , showering me with abuse . Then he went upstairs . When I could stand I staggered to the door and basically fell out into the rain . A few minutes later he came down , stepped over me and drove off . I lay there for a while , thankful it was over . For now at least . And now I 'm here . ' She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes . ' You need to know any more , or is that enough ? ' ' Oh , most of the time he 's the perfect husband . He 'll turn up in a day or two , all apologetic , and for a while he 'll treat me like a queen . ' She shrugged . She held out the glass for more whisky . ' Right now , this is all I want . ' She looked at him full on , now . ' But thank you , Mike . Really . Just telling you this , has been a big help . I won 't forget it . ' They sat drinking for a long time , both in their own silences . Hogan tried to get her to go the police but she was adamant . As the night wore on , she was becoming drunk . They both were . When the bottle finally ran out , she rose on unsteady legs . ' Better get home , ' she mumbled . She frowned , then took a step forward and stumbled towards him . ' Maybe that 's a good idea . ' She fell into him . He bent down and picked her up . She was lighter than air . As he carried her she smiled up at him , the bruise big and angry and red . I 'll get you , cunt . He thought . If the police won 't , I will . ' So I 've been told , ' he replied . ' Now , if you need anything , I 'm next door . Any time of the night , you just knock , you hear ? ' ' Goodnight , ' he said . At the door , he turned to look . From behind , in his drunkenness , she was the split of Sharon . He closed his eyes and shut the door behind him . He fell into a restless and agitated sleep . There were dreams , fleeting images that passed through his brain in a flash and were gone . He woke cocooned in the sheets , head facing the wall . His tongue was dry and the beginnings of a headache were gnawing at the base of his skull . The light in the room was grey and murky , suggesting that dawn was not far away . Hogan closed his eyes , willing himself back to sleep . There was a shuffling sound behind him . He rolled over . Jess was standing at the foot of the bed , wearing the blouse and jeans . ' Jess , you startled me . Is everything all right ? ' He groped for the bedside lamp . ' Please don 't turn on the light , ' she said . Her voice carried no inflection at all . ' I couldn 't sleep . Turning things over and over in my head . ' He sat up . Her bruises were starkly visible , even at this light . ' There are some sleeping pills in the bathroom . I 'll get you one . ' She shook her head . ' No . That 's not what I want . ' With her eyes on him , she began unbuttoning her jeans . She rolled them down her legs , then kicked them away . She was naked underneath . What took Hogan 's breath away was the state of her legs . There were bruises everywhere , spreading from feet to upper thigh . His eyes followed the trail upward , unable to comprehend the devastation that had been caused . A dark triangle of hair protruded beneath the tails of her shirt . He blinked back tears and swallowed . ' God , Jess . I 'm so sorry . I - ' He didn 't know what to say to that . He looked at her legs again . What she must have gone through . By now she was close enough to touch . ' No - one needs to know . And I just want to sleep , nothing else . I promise . ' Before he could reply she pulled back the duvet and climbed in . He shifted over to accommodate her , keeping her back to him . She snuggled into his back and threw an arm over him . ' There . This is OK , isn 't it . ' He could feel her breasts pushing into his back . Wearing Sharon 's shirt , in his bed . But not Sharon . ' Yes , it 's OK . Now go to sleep . ' Hogan must have nodded off , for when his eyes came open he was flat on his back . Jess had a leg curled over his . It was almost light now , and he could make out the injuries that marked her flesh . Fucking barbaric , was what it was . No matter what , he would try to get her away from Andrew . She deserved at least that . He shifted a little and she murmured . Despite all his good intentions , he began to grow hard . It had been so long since he had been this close to Sharon . To anyone . He had forgotten how much he missed it . Suddenly Jess 's eyes snapped open . She looked down at him . Without a word , she swung her other leg over until she straddled him . He made to speak but she put a finger to his lips . She unbuttoned the blouse slowly , then tossed it to the floor . There was a criss cross of scars all over her chest , some tough white scar tissue , others fresher wounds , still raw and shocking . She reached under his shorts and took him in hand . Before a thought could enter his head , he was inside her . She shuddered and sat back . He went to pump his hips but she clenched and he was forced to stop . She went slow to start with , still never making a sound , then speeded up . She gritted her teeth when she came , and he followed soon after . Then she collapsed against his chest , and was asleep before he could catch his breath . When he awoke for the final time the room was flooded in daylight . Jess stood by the side of the bed , pulling on her jeans , standing in an oblong of white that shone through the curtains . He raised onto an elbow and cleared his throat . Jess looked over her shoulder at him . Her hair glowed a warm brown . He thought of her scars again and his throat went tight . A woman who was almost broken , the last fluttering sparks of hope nearly extinguished . ' I 'm going away , ' she said dreamily . ' Somewhere he won 't be able to get to me . Let this be the last memory we have of one another . ' She was oblivious to his voice . ' You know , I slept better than I have in months , with you . I liked it . I could get used to it . An endless sleep . Never having to think ever again . ' He swung his legs out of bed . ' Oh , don 't get up , ' she said . ' I 'm going to go and say goodbye to Kevin . Can 't leave without that . ' ' Where are you going to go ? ' His voice was shaky , fear creeping into it . ' Just away . You 'll remember me , won 't you ? ' He was about to reply when a car door slammed outside . He went to the window and pushed the curtain aside . His heart dropped to the base of his stomach . He turned to find the room empty . He threw on some jeans and tore downstairs to find Jess at the back door , completely oblivious to what was going on . Behind him , he heard the car boot slam . Jess opened the door and drifted to the back gate . There , she turned and waved . The sunlight shone through her . He gazed after her , then heard the key turn in the lock . He suddenly spied the hessian bag in the corner of the kitchen , and just had time to hide it under the sofa in his office before Rusty sped past , barking and wagging his tail twenty to the dozen . He stuck his head round the door as Sharon made her way inside , suitcase trailing behind her . Her cheeks were red , and she looked refreshed . She smiled at him . ' Very good , thanks . I think we both enjoyed it . ' On cue , Rusty poked his head round the kitchen door , then disappeared again . ' I think he 's hungry , ' Sharon said . They walked though and she filled his bowl with biscuits . Rusty ate a few and set off again , out the kitchen and down the hall . Just sleeping with the neighbour , he thought . Nothing much . Although his mind was replaying Jess 's last words over and over . There was something wrong . Her tone , the defeat etched on her face . Like she was ready to give up . ' It 's good to be back , ' she said . ' I 've done a lot of thinking while I was away . It was why I came back early , I wanted to see you . To start putting things right . I - ' Sharon shot off down the hall . Rusty was thrashing wildly now , and bucked in Hogan 's arms as he lifted him , scratching and drawing blood . They ran out and into the car . Sharon gunned the engine and they were away . ' Do something , Mike , ' she wailed . ' The Heimlich manoeuvre . Anything . ' Hogan looked down at Rusty , who lay flat in the footwell . He reached down and prised the dog 's jaws apart . He couldn 't see anything . He took Rusty onto his lap and placed two fingers on the base of his throat . He felt something there and pushed his fingers forward . There was little movement but a bit of pressure was released . The car screeched to a halt . They had made a ten minute journey in three minutes . Sharon was in the vet 's before he could get the passenger door open . Rusty was in a bad way now , the life was drifting out of him . ' Bring him through , ' Sharon shouted . They went through a crowded waiting room and placed Rusty on a high table . The vet was ready , pulling on plastic gloves . ' So , who is this ? ' the vet said . ' Rusty . Please help him . ' Sharon burst into tears and put her face on Hogan 's shoulder . He watched as the vet administered a sedative to Rusty , working quickly . ' Now , ' the vet said , ' this will help me find out the problem . ' He repeated Hogan 's finger trick , pushing forward beneath Rusty 's jaw . ' Yes , here we are . ' The vet moved his fingers , then opened Rusty 's mouth and searched inside . He caught on something , and extracted his hand , holding a blue piece of cloth , sodden with bile and saliva . Rusty coughed , once , then once again . Sharon clapped her hands . Even Hogan felt a sense of relief . ' Oh thank you , Doctor . Thank you . ' Sharon rushed to Rusty , who was breathing slowly . ' Please , ' the vet said , removing his glasses and wiping them . ' Give Rusty some time to rest . I will need to examine his mouth again . Just to check for abrasions and so on . ' The vet held up the offending item with a gloved hand , and shook it open . ' Ha ha , ' he said , his face reddening . ' It looks like a pair of ladies underwear . Well , dog 's will eat anything ! ' Sharon frowned as she studied the garment further . Then she turned to him , eyes hot pools of anger . ' Well , they certainly aren 't mine , ' she said . The hessian bag . Her clothes from last night . Hogan closed his eyes . He thought of Jess , backlit by the sun as she had left that morning , and he ran her words over in his mind again . Then the realisation hit , and he almost sank to the floor . No , she was never coming back . Her life was over . And now , he thought , so is mine . He opened his eyes as Sharon shouted his name , and saw Rusty looking at him . He could swear that the dog was smiling . |
We left Brent 's at 10 : 00 and headed north when we got onto I - 55 . The sky was clear until we got further north and then clouds began to form . That was an ominous feeling . We parked at Walmart in Batesville , Mississippi . Bill went in the store to shop while I rested . The sky was very overcast here , but we didn 't see any signs or warnings of really bad weather . Brent had sent leftovers with us . . . ribs , ranch beans , and potatoes . We sat in our little " house on wheels " and had a great dinner . Thank you , Brent . We traveled 160 miles today . That was a good way to start this part of our journey to Iowa . We had quite a bit of road construction along the Interstate and it is always tiring for Super Driver . April 29 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi The sun was shining brightly this morning . It was hard to believe just last night a tornado touched down less than a mile from Brent 's . That was too close for comfort . One last culinary adventure for Brent and me was to Cool Al 's . Yes , that is the place where we stick to the floor . However , their food is very good , especially the sweet potato fries . And the hamburgers are top notch . We stopped at CVS before returning home . The kids got home from school not long after that . The sky got very dark late this afternoon and we had a little bit of rain , but nothing else developed . We all breathed a sigh of relief when the rain stopped and the dark clouds went away . Last night 's storm still has all of us a little spooked . By request ( from me ) Brent smoked ribs for dinner . They were so good and so were all the trimmings that went along with them . And the great news is that Bill and I will have left overs for our trip northward . We plan to pull out of here tomorrow morning . Tonight , Sara had a project to do for school . Grandpa and I were part of it . She was making grilled peanut butter chocolate chip sandwiches . That was a favorite for our kids growing up . Brent was the official photographer , and we were Sara 's " lackeys . " We also got to sample the finished project ! It was a fun thing for us to do with her . Today , my friend , Debbie , suggested that I do a tornado count in my Travel Totals , so here goes . . . Tornado Totals , 1 . We are still at 14 for our In - N - Out count for 2014 . I certainly hope the swirling winds don 't pass our favorite hamburgers . At noon , Brent and I met friends , Mike and Jeff , at Ed 's for lunch . It is probably our last time to eat there . They are closing on Wednesday . From then on , they will focus on catering . That part of their business had grown by leaps and bounds . It didn 't make sense to keep the restaurant open because it was only marginally successful . We went to Sam 's Club before returning home . After school , Sara came out to the MH for a visit . She told us about the wedding she went to on Saturday . I hope she will bring pictures . It sounded like a very interesting wedding . Around dinner time the weather took a turn for the worse . By about 7 : 00 , Brent and Bill decided we should go into the house . It had started raining and only got harder . By then , we were under a tornado alert . After watching the local weather channel for awhile , Brent said it was time for us to take cover . He and Willie went into his closet and Bill and I took refuge in the utility room . Bill went back to the front of the house to monitor the sky from the front windows . After about 30 minutes things had calmed down . Brent said Willie was not a good one to be with . I guess he had a hard time getting him to settle down . While I was in the utility room , the electricity went out . The power company sent a text message saying the power should be back on by 9 : 00 . Bill and I returned home and used the inverter to keep track of the weather . At 9 : 00 , Brent and Willie came to the motorhome . The power company didn 't know when they would have everything fixed . Willie was still a bit agitated , but finally settled down for a nap . At 10 : 00 , they went back into the house for an early bedtime . By then , the only lightening was far away . We woke up to heavy rain and lightening hitting very close to the motorhome . The sound of thunder was immediate after the flash . It was quite a storm , but I think it rolled out as quickly as it had rolled in . At 11 : 00 , we went to visit Paul and Debbie . They have been friends since Brent first moved to Mississippi . By the time we got to their house , the weather had improved enough we could sit outside on their patio and enjoy their flowers and plants . We always have a lot to talk about when we are together . Their son , Chad , is a professional musician , so we got an update on him and his band . The Chad Wesley Band plays all over this part of the country . It is fun and exciting to hear his parents talk about him . Brent is still having a lot of trouble with his allergies . I 'm sure he enjoyed a day of no parents and no kids . I think he got a lot of rest , but according to Brent , Willie was snoring and he didn 't get as long a nap as he wanted or needed . Oh , the trials and tribulations of a pet owner ! April 26 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi After being up late , neither Brent nor I got up very early . While he and Willie went for their morning walk , I showered and got ready to face the day . When the two walkers got back , Brent got ready so we could go to Hobby Lobby . Of course , since it was well after lunch by then , our first stop was to eat . While I was in the craft store , Brent went on an errand of his own . When we both got back into the car , he took a back road home to miss all of the Saturday shopping traffic . I seldom ask him where or why he is taking the route he has chosen . I just go along and enjoy the ride . It was nap time when we got home . We were going to Amy and Mike 's for dinner so it gave us plenty of time to rest . I was going to teach Amy and her daughter , Kelsey , to make a bead and button bracelet that Lori and I learned how to make several months ago . They both did a great job . Amy was very excited so she made a second one . I was glad I had taken plenty of supplies . We finished in time for me to see the last few laps of the NASCAR race . Jeff Gordon lead the most laps , but finished second after several caution flags at the very end of the race . Drats ! April 25 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi I didn 't sleep well last night so I didn 't get up very early . And I was short on energy when I did get up . I had several phone calls to make so it seemed like a good time to do it . While Bill ate lunch at home and then took a nap , Brent and I had soup and salad at Newks . We then went to the city offices to pay his water bill . It can 't be done via the Internet . What 's wrong with these people . That 's really old fashioned ! We did have a critter sighting while we were on our way to lunch . A mother duck and 13 babies were walking toward the highway , getting ready to cross the road . Something startled the mother and she turned back . Of course , the little ones followed her . I was glad to see her change course . Brent fixed Korean food for dinner . There were 12 people in all to enjoy his cooking . The Trail Blazer game was on so some of the people were watching the game and some of us were sitting around the dining room table talking and laughing a lot . We all had a really good time . Brent has a great group of neighborhood friends . In spite of that , he and his dad continued on their woodworking project . I was doing things in the motorhome . At noon , I gave them four options . . . go out for lunch , I would go get something and bring it home , we could fix sandwiches at home , or " drop back five and punt . " Brent chose option one , and seemed to feel better when he got something to eat . Bill 's old standby , PNBJ , was his choice . I , of course , voted with Brent . Was there any doubt ? We went to a new place that specializes in BBQ , but they also have daily lunch specials . We opted for the specials . Bad choice ! We had two possibilities , because they were out of the third one . We both decided on chicken and dumplings , which were OK , but the special side dishes were limited . I ordered green beans , which are always good . Well , almost always ! Not today . We both ordered twice baked potatoes . I suspect they weren 't made today . They were a strange texture and not very tasty . Brent had mac and cheese . it was OK . . . nothing special . The best part was the dessert , which was listed as " something " chocolate . It was actually a frozen strawberry and whipped cream concoction . It was quite tasty ! On the way home , we got Sara from school . Brent was to take her for a manicure . Coleson was to get a haircut when he got out of school . I volunteered to take Sara . She also needed shoes . There is to be a wedding in Louisiana this weekend and Keltie 's whole family will be there . After Sara 's nails were polished to perfection , she said her mother would take her to get shoes . That was fine with me . I wasn 't looking forward to that part of the excursion . I took Sara to Keltie 's work place and continued on my own errands . It was after 5 : 00 by the time I returned home . I made a full afternoon of it ! Willie could see the arrangement through the fence and set up a ruckus . He was on alert until Bill showed him what it was all about . With Brent gone , he was still on guard . When I went into the house , Willie kept close to me , guiding me away from the " danger " out beyond the fence . Brent came back with news that an air conditioner repairman would soon be arriving . I volunteered to " Willie sit " in the MH . Brent took me up on my offer . All went well until Willie heard activity around a truck . Soon after we heard a door slam , and Brent came back , Willie 's tail went into high gear . He was so glad to see Brent ! Polly , Pito , Brent , and I went to a flea market complex this afternoon . Leslie , a friend of all of theirs , owns part of one of the markets . We spent over an hour looking at all of the things for sale . I bought a little purple bottle and a jar of old jewelry . Polly is quite a shopper and came away with several sacks of things . Before going home , we ate dinner at a buffet . Their food was good , with a fair selection of items . It was kind of " down home cooking , " like at Mama Hamil 's Buffet , but not as good and certainly more expensive . At noon , Bill , Brent , and I went to eat Mexican food . There are several good places in Flowood , but one we particularly like . After eating , the guys left me at Hobby Lobby while they went to Lowe 's . I 'm very glad the two stores are fairly close together . I can make it work to my advantage ! I tried to do a little sewing today , but it didn 't work out very well . I struggled for awhile and then decided to quit . I didn 't think I could work a nervous breakdown into our busy schedule , so I bailed out . I will have to figure an alternative method when something needs to be sewn . Willie loves coming to the motorhome for a visit . His tail wags so hard it wags his whole body . He is such a happy fellow . I don 't know who is happiest in this family . . . the people because they have the animals in their lives or the animals because of the people they have ! It 's probably a toss up ! April 21 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi After Brent and Willie got back from their morning walk , Brent mowed the backyard . Willie was a tremendous help . He was there beside Brent with every pass . Brent and I went to Sam 's Club . After eating pizza , we did a little bit of shopping . There is a special kind of cheese I like to buy at Sam 's . Brent found a couple of t - shirts he wanted and I bought a pair of shoes . Kind of an odd combination all the way around . A part on the air conditioner in Brent 's house broke , so he and Bill went on the hunt . The place they tried was closed on Mondays . After going to Home Depot , discovering the part was not available there , and told they needed to go to the place that was closed on Mondays , they decided to come home and use electric fans until tomorrow . Our " third in the series liver and onions party " was a huge success . Brent gets better and better at cooking it . It was a real treat . Polly brought potato salad and chocolate cheesecake . Happy tummies all the way around ! After the party broke up , Robyn and Brent came to the MH for a visit . We had a good time laughing a lot and talking for about an hour . A fun time ! Brent and I went to the grocery store this afternoon . We needed to get all the ingredients for tomorrow night 's Liver and Onions party . . . the third in the series . Yum , yum ! I also bought Brent a tank of gasoline . When I told Bill , he said , " Good . If you hadn 't , I would have . . . payment for Mom sitting . " Oh , he is such a card . . . and he needs to be dealt with ! Brent and I went to visit with Polly and Pito . They live about a block and a half away . It is always fun to talk with them . Pito works on an offshore oil rig . It is south about 150 miles off the coast of Louisiana . It is a little less than a mile deep where he is . I think being that far out in the ocean on a " little metal square " might be somewhat daunting . My claustrophobia would kick in even before we reached the platform . After eating , Brent and I went to Hobby Lobby . We weren 't able to find the item we were looking for . When we left the store empty handed , Brent said , " Mark this day in history . You went to Hobby Lobby and didn 't buy anything . " There are carpenter bees in Brent 's yard . They are drilling holes in some of his fence posts . Earlier in the Spring , he had to replace a post they had drilled several holes in . I had never heard of carpenter bees , so went on the Internet to get information on them . The males don 't have stingers , so I 'm safe there . The females can sting , but usually don 't unless greatly annoyed . I will try very , very hard not to annoy them ! April 18 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Today was Good Friday and the kids were out of school . Sara was at her mother 's apartment , but Coleson wanted to spend the day with Brent . I coerced Brent into taking Coleson and a friend of his , and me , Geocaching . It wasn 't high on his list of things to do , but he was a good sport about it all . I only heard him growl a time or two and just a little bit of whining escaped his lips ! We went to a city nature area . We walked a total of about 3 / 4 mile on trails and then went off the " beaten path " to find a very small , cleverly hidden cache , according to comments written by others who had found it . I 'm sorry to say , we weren 't one of them . We left it as a DNF ! Ugh ! After getting back to the parking lot , the two boys went in search of another cache at the front corner of the park . Brent and I went in the car close to where they were . Coleson had found the " treasure " in a magnetic key holder stuck to a fence . He 's such a good cacher ! We went to Chick - fil - A for lunch . They were incredibly busy , but we got our order fairly fast . I had a chicken salad sandwich and it was really good . Once back at 202 Overland Lane , the two youngins took off on their bikes . The other two guys were working on a project in the garage . Bill and Brent needed to go to Lowe 's for some lumber , so they left me a Michael 's . I finished checking out at about the same time they got back to pick me up . When we got back home , there was a lot of sawing going on . April 17 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Today was a lazy day for me . Bill , however , did some work on the motorhome . He changed the fuel filters . Sometimes it can be a difficult process , but today everything went well . He 's glad to have that task behind him . We had leftovers for lunch . Ribs , baked beans , and potatoes . Very good again today . Brent is such a good cook . Sometimes he uses a recipe , sometimes he doesn 't . At those times , he just seems to know what will go well together . There was a program on this afternoon . . . about when John Elway was in the NFL draft . It was very interesting . Brent had seen it before , but watched it with us today . Sara came out two or three times , but football is not high on her list of sports to watch . April 16 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi There is something I forgot to report from yesterday , and it is very important . We were going around town looking for Brent 's smoker and as we came off I - 20 in Pearl , there before us was a Dunkin Donuts . It had been a long time since either of us had seen one so we whipped in and bought a few . Our kids were raised on Dunkin and look how sweet they all turned out ! Bill had some errands to go on today and so did Brent and I . When we got back home , Brent started smoking the ribs . The whole process took about three hours . I think the entire neighborhood could smell ribs . He uses apple wood chips . Other than that , I haven 't a clue as to how he does them . Mike , Amy , and their girls ate with us . Brent fixed a potato and onion concoction he baked in the oven . As usual , it was really good . He also had baked beans and hot bread . Nobody went away hungry . Brent and Willie came out to our house for a visit tonight . That is always fun to have them here . Willie usually finds a place to lie down . He covers a big part of the floor . He has no trouble being a speed bump here . He takes up a lot of space when he stretches out . April 15 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Today was our 54th wedding anniversary . When Michelle told Connor , he wanted to know if we were going to eat at Burger King . Well , yes , Connor , we did ! Brent planned to cook ribs in his smoker . He is an expert at it . That was to be our celebration dinner . However , we decided to go to Burger King for lunch just to " practice . " Before we went to lunch , Brent was getting the smoker ready to put the ribs in when we got home . That was a good plan , except his smoked was on the fritz . No matter how much he worked with it , it was a lost cause . So , after lunch at BK , we took Bill back to the MH for a nap , and Brent and I went shopping . The first place we went was only open on Fridays . Ugh ! Then it was on to Home Depot . They didn 't have exactly what Brent wanted , so we went to Bass Pro . That 's where he had purchased his first smoker four years ago . He found what he was looking for and by the time it was purchased , loaded into the car , and we got back home it was 3 : 30 . He and his dad assembled it , which was no small feat . Then Brent discovered that the smoker should be put through a dry run to " season " it . At that point , we had run out of enough time to cook the ribs . Brent offered to fix something else . We decided to have ribs tomorrow night as our celebration . April 14 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi It started to rain last night at 10 : 00 . There was some lightening involved , but mainly just very hard rain . Bill said he thought it was the hardest rain we had been in since we got the Country Coach . It poured all night long . At 4 : 55 this morning a weather alert was sent to my cell phone . There was a threat of flooding in the area . We weren 't too concerned about it . Brent 's house is in a very high area . The only one higher around here is Mr . Bill next - door . This whole area is built on hills . Unfortunately , Mike and Amy 's house is down lower and their backyard totally fills up , to the backdoor . Three times more today we have received weather alerts . I hope they are OK . I have been having some trouble with my iPad . One of my games wouldn 't open . It was frozen ! This afternoon , Brent and I went to the Apple Store . They are always helpful . The game was on iCloud , but I couldn 't get it to reload . The problem was soon solved , as soon as the technician turned the iPad off and back on again . Good grief ! I was embarrassed . And Bill , who knows next to nothing about hi - tech things , usually suggests that I turn a " problem " off and back on . Ugh ! This time he didn 't tell me . I guess I will have to keep the Old Guy around . He can tell me what to turn off and on . Luckily , for me , he still turns me on ! April 13 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Brent and Sara have been going to church when it is her weekend to be with him . This morning , I went , also . It is a large , modern building . There was music to begin with , then the preacher took his turn . He had a delivery that was appealing to young and old , like me . Sara had Bible study afterwards , so Brent and I went on home . After she got home , we went to a small Vietnam restaurant for lunch . Their food is very good , with large portions . We each had a " doggie bag " when we left . Brent told about Palm Sunday in Seaside . There were no palm trees on the North Oregon coast . He said they used tree branches . I don 't remember , but I wonder why they didn 't use fern branches . We certainly had enough of those in the area . Michelle sent a text this afternoon with a picture of Brent when he was 15 . We all think Coleson looks very much like that picture . In it , Brent was wearing a Seahawks shirt . He said even then he knew how to pick a team ! Posted by April 12 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi After lunch , Brent and I went to Michael 's . We were looking for round wooden disks . We had looked several other places with no luck . Well , today at Michael 's we had a choice . Both of us were relieved because we can quit looking . Brent is probably happiest about that . While Brent went to help prepare " dinner , " I picked Sara up at a baseball game . Tonight we were invited to a crawfish boil at Jeff and Courtney 's house . We had been there several months ago . Jeff is really learning how to get a good " do . " They were delicious , but a lot of work to get a bite . The sausage , corn , and potatoes that are cooked with the crawfish were really good , too . It isn 't Bill 's favorite kind of food . Robyn was showing him how to twist the tail off and get the meat out . At that point in the process , there is a dark yellow paste that comes out . I don 't even want to hazard a guess as to what it is , but at that point , Bill was out ! Most of the rest of his meal was corn . And nobody attempted to try to teach him to suck the brains out ! April 11 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi The three of us were home this morning doing various jobs . Brent mowed his yard . He has quite a large area in grass so it takes him at least two hours to mow it . He said he really doesn 't mind mowing . In fact , he kind of likes it . I know he wasn 't adopted , but he didn 't get that from either of us . Since Brent had worked so hard all morning , I took him for a hamburger for lunch . I had eaten earlier , but a Diet Dr . Pepper with Sonic ice made me very happy . We took a prescription to Walmart before we returned home . Brent and Bill both took naps , but I stayed up and worked on book work kinds of things . I also made some progress on hemming a pair of capri pants . After dinner , I made Sara and her friend , Lexie , each a pair of earrings . I was very glad I had gone back into the house to deliver the baubles , because ice cream was being served . Too bad Bill had already gone to bed , but as they say , " You snooze , you lose . " April 10 , 2014 - - - Brent 's in Brandon , Mississippi Bill , Brent , and I went on some errands today . You know the kind . . . Lowe 's , Hobby Lobby , Harbor Freight , things like that . We also took time to eat lunch at Ed 's . Ed and his partner , Tim , are on overload . They are so busy with the restaurant and their catering service . And so , May 1 will be their closing date for the restaurant . The catering part of the business will continue . It has grown by leaps and bounds . There are several large corporation that they cater nearly every day . Ed said they will use their present kitchen to cook for the catering , and may rent out the rest of the building eventually . When we got back home , Brent thought it was nap time . Neither one of us argued with him . I hadn 't been awake for very long when Sara came home from school . She came out to the MH for a visit . We saw Coleson later in the house . It certainly is great to be with them . They are both growing up so fast . Bill spent some time putting a different blade on the radial arm saw . He is working on some more crosses for me . While he was doing that , Brent was setting up the new drill press they bought today . Our friend , Dwight , says you should never start a project that you don 't need a new power tool for . Bill and Brent took him at his word today . We traveled 50 miles today . The town of Brandon is spread out over a large area , much of it in a country setting . It took us about as long to get from I - 20 to Brent 's house as it did to get from Forest to the actual town of Brandon , which is on I - 20 . When we arrived at 202 Overland Lane , Brent was mowing the grass where we park the motorhome . It didn 't take Bill long to get us set up . I needed to go to the Post Office and Brent needed to take Sara 's lunch to her so off we went . After completing those two tasks , Brent wanted to know if there was anywhere else I wanted to go . I said , " Only if you want to go somewhere for lunch . " So off we went to Fannin 's , one of our favorite places for " down home cooking . " Our friend , Polly , came to take me to deliver the necklaces I made for her sister 's shops . We didn 't stay gone too long because Amy was coming at 3 : 30 and I didn 't want to miss her . We made it in time . Brent fixed crawfish , potatoes , and sausage for dinner . It was really good . And eating crawfish is kind of a social affair . A lot of talking went on , because it takes time to peel and eat the little critters . April 8 , 2014 - - - Demopolis , Alabama to Walmart in Forest , Mississippi We pulled out of our campground spot at 8 : 35 this morning . The sun was shining , there wasn 't a cloud in the sky , but it was quite cool . . . 50 ° . We turned west on Highway 80 , making our way toward Mississippi . The river where our camp site was had risen some , but we were up high enough that we weren 't in any danger . However , as we drove toward the front gate , we noticed several RVs that were closer to the rising water than they probably should be . It looked as if some moving of rigs was going to take place . Seemed like a good idea to me ! Soon after crossing into Mississippi ( extra loud honking and yahooing ) we stopped in the tiny town of Kewanee . There is a very old ( fourth generation ) Simmons and Wright Mercantile which is now mostly antiques , with a lunch counter , and a potbellied stove and chairs to sit around and warm yourself when it is cold enough for a fire . It was an interesting place to visit . We drove on into Meridian , parked at Sam 's Club , and unhooked the Honda . While Bill rested , I went to JoAnn Fabrics , about a mile from Sam 's . When I returned , we went in for hot dogs . It had just began to sprinkle when we got back to the motorhome . By the time we got back onto I - 20 , Mother Nature was getting serious about the rain , so we pulled off at an exit west of town and parked at a large lot by some trucks . There was thunder and wind involved , but after about an hour , the storm had passed and we got back on the road again . April 7 , 2014 - - - Foscue Creek Campground , Demopolis , Alabama Our plans for today were to drive to Meridian , Mississippi . However , we were concerned that there might be flooding between here and there . We had over three inches of rain yesterday and well into the night . Next , I tackled the middle drawer on the right side of the new desk . That 's where I keep my " office " supplies . It had gotten rather jumbled and needed a major rearrangement . With that out of the way , I emptied the small drawer above it . That one didn 't take long . All of this was done while watching the NASCAR from Texas . Jeff came in second ! Tonight we watched Dancing with the Stars . It is still one of my favorite programs . April 6 , 2014 - - - Foscue Creek Campground , Demopolis , Alabama The rain came all day long . We had some lightening and thunder , too . At one point , we could hear a warning signal coming from the direction of town , but there wasn 't a mention of tornados on the TV or computer . After about 30 minutes , the siren went off . But the rain just kept returning off and on . As most of you know , Bill and I have twin daughters . It has been a challenge , but a fun one . They aren 't identical . . . Michelle is shorter . Other than that , we some times we get them confused . They talk just alike and use the same expressions so sometimes we don 't know for sure who we are talking to on the phone . All of this was taken to a new level yesterday . At 10 : 00 last night I got a text message asking if I was still awake . I was and call Meredith right back . We had a nice visit , as always . This morning , I was looking at my text messages and saw that last night 's text was from Michelle . I called her and told her what I had done . She laughed and said , " Now you can 't even tell us apart when we text . " Oh , dear ! Posted by After breakfast I had Bill take everything out of the cabinet above his side of the bed . I spent most of the rest of the morning packing and repacking the things up there . One more big , unpleasant task out of the way ! ! ! Yea ! After lunch I made another cross , which Bill hung on the wall at the end of my desk . I really do like it there , with my plants and a few seashells around . The wood on the cross is from the redwood swing in Brent 's backyard . Willie chewed on the swing when he was teething . So this cross is made out of " Willie wood . " Brent and Bill dismantled the swing on one of our visits . We drove into Demopolis to check out the main part of town . There were some really beautiful homes to see . We found a cache at one of them . We also went to the marina , before looking for another hidden " treasure " at an old school which is now being used for community theater and things like that . April 4 , 2014 - - - Foscue Creek Campground , Demopolis , Alabama By 9 : 00 this morning , we were having very hard rain . Bill planned to burn old tax records in the fire ring at our camping spot . Just as he was ready to " strike the match " the skies opened up and put the flame out . I spent the morning working on crosses and watching the rain . There were people out on the river " terrorizing " the fish . I think it was wetter in the boats than in the water . I 'd guess if you like to fish the weather doesn 't matter . We went into town to eat lunch at Captain D 's . While waiting for our lunch order , I met the sheriff from Greensboro , Alabama . ( Don 't worry , Michelle . I wasn 't under arrest . ) Sheriff Hudson told me some interesting things about the area . We emptied the cabinets in the hall . Everything was stacked on the bed . When we saw how much there was , it was hard to believe how much I had been able to cram into those cabinets . Bill needed to take the panel out of the back of the bottom cabinet . That is where the washer / dryer hookups are . He wanted to move the electrical outlet from behind the panel . It has its own dedicated switch on the electrical box . For some reason , it was important . It was a harder job than he had anticipated , so he was glad to have it finished . I worked the rest of the morning getting all of my stuff rearranged and labeled . I was able to finish before dinner . After that , I spent the entire evening on my beading things in the desk . Things go better when I can keep my supplies organized . From all the days I worked on the jewelry project things were in a " mell of a hess . " April 2 , 2014 - - - Foscue Creek Campground , Demopolis , Alabama As usual , the morning got off to a slow start . I really didn 't want to get up and face the day . I just wanted to snuggle back under the covers and make a nest for myself . But , alas , I had things to do ! We went in to town again because I needed to go to Walmart . With that taken care of , we went to search for a couple of geocaches . The first one was at a beautiful old plantation house dating back to the 1820s . It was made of gleaming white marble . . . absolutely gorgeous . Too bad it was a DNF . We spent about 20 minutes searching . The GPSs took us to the edge of the McDonald 's parking lot . But again , as before . . . no luck . Two DNFs and no finds for today . Drats ! We went to a deli in a grocery story for lunch to take home with us . After eating , we both took naps . All of this running around took its toll on these two old folks . I spent the rest of the day finishing the jewelry project and getting the " mess " cleaned up . Yea ! ! ! Tomorrow I get to work on something else . . . probably crosses . I like to keep a few on hand in case I meet someone that I want to give one to . I gave my last one away in Columbus , Georgia . April 1 , 2014 - - - Foscue Creek Campground , Demopolis , Alabama I had thought , as an April Fool 's joke , I might text all the kids that their dad and I were " splitting the blanket " after nearly 54 years of marriage . Then I thought better of it . Either they wouldn 't believe me or they might go into cardiac arrest . After working on my jewelry project for awhile this morning , we decided to drive into town for lunch . When we were looking for a chicken place , we spotted McDonald 's and decided to cut the hunt short and eat there . Bill and I have decided that we don 't speak the same language as some of the employees . It was nearly like an April Fool 's joke . Oh , my ! Our order was wrong , even though she had repeated it back to me . . . I think ! The next time we will continue to hunt . Not long after we got back home and I was working on my project again , we had company . The lady next door wanted to see my beading work . She stayed a long time and it was fun visiting with her , but it slowed my progress . I had hoped to get to work on something different tomorrow , but its not going to happen . After dinner we went to visit with a couple who have a Country Coach and didn 't return home until 9 : 30 . It was interesting hearing about her very wealthy brother who owned a NASCAR team and who lives in a gated community in Charlotte . His next - door neighbor is Rick Hendrick . We spent a lot of time talking about racing . |
" There are three kinds of men . The one that learns by reading . The few who learn by observation . The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves . " Will RogersI watched what was happening yesterday in Washington and tried to accept the unknown . What else can you do ? Meanwhile , I wrestled with Siete 's hoof abscesses . John , the farrier , came first thing in the morning . I guess the medicine boot with the Animalintex did a good job because the abscess on that foot had drained . Siete was able to stand on it so he could check her right back hoof . He found another abscess there and cleared it out . We put a clean boot with more Animalintex on that foot . I have two boots , but I can 't use them both at the same time because it 's too hard for her to walk . Siete is a bit testy about anything that has to do with her hooves right now . She 's okay schlepping around with one medicine boot , so I 'm filling the hole in the other hoof with medication and switching them back and forth . Today , I need to call the vet and discuss what 's happening . Yesterday was too busy , and as long as I continue to treat the abscesses , I know they will go away . Siete already feels better , and all the fussing with her feet is making her very punky . We did go through this when we lived in Virginia . The vet there believed that there was something in the soil that these " foreign " horses of mine ( having come from dry , sandy California ) were reacting to . It was also really wet , and until I put Siete in training in a big old dry barn , we continually had these problems . So , I am aware that we got six inches of rain this weekend . It 's not horribly muddy , but the ground is wet and sticky . I can clean my horses ' hooves and in five minutes , you 'd never know that I just picked them out . I think that I need to toughen up their soles . My farrier suggested Venice turpentine and trying the old sugar and iodine in the hoof boot once the Animalintex had done the initial drawing and cleaning . I 've also got some Keratex , which is a vPosted by When I walk out the back door in the morning to feed the horses , I look to see if two beautiful heads are sticking out of the Dutch doors of the barn . This morning , they weren 't there . I went to the tack room to get the food , hoping that the horses would be looking out for me when I came back out . Silk was there , but no Siete . Siete is always the first one to greet me . I approached her stall with deep dread . I wished I had my cell phone with me . I prayed . I asked Silk what 's going on with her baby . When I saw Siete , she was lying down but not colicking , thank God . She had a really hard time standing up because her back left leg was very lame . Here we go again , a hoof abscess . While I was really bummed out , I was also relieved that I knew what was wrong and what I needed to do . I called the farrier . He 's coming first thing Monday morning to open it up and drain it . I pulled out the hoof boot , loaded it up with an Animalintex poultice , and gave Siete a little banamine . It was 6 : 30 on a Sunday morning , so there was no one around to help me hold her . I couldn 't get the little horse to walk out of her stall . I decided to just do the best I could and cleaned the hoof . She put it down and got dirt on it again , but I just pulled the medicine boot on and tightened it up . I wished I had two extra hands . Siete was one unhappy little horse . I decided that I 'd give her some hay and crawl back to the house for a cup of coffee . A half hour later , I came out to find her in Silk 's stall , getting comfort from her mommy . Two hours later , she was walking around putting weight on the foot that was in the boot . This afternoon , I was able to move her into the pasture so I could clean the barn and lay down some new shavings . I know it could be much worse , but here we go again . Posted by There was a big showdown in the pasture this morning . Since I was in the barn , I don 't know how it started . We had a break in the rain , so I put the horses out early . They were hiding inside their stalls yesterday due to the deluge . and I knew that they would be full of beans if they got stuck indoors again today . Silk and Siete rarely fight . I heard thundering hooves and felt the ground vibrate under my feet while I mucked . Thinking it was just some much needed exercise , I ignored it . Then , Siete began whinnying loudly . I had to come out and see what was going on . It was a turf war . They were kicking and rearing and biting and racing along the fence line as fast as they could go on the muddy ground . Siete was on the attack , but since Silk is Alpha Mama , she wasn 't going to put up with anything . Even though I 've owned horses for over 10 years , I still feel my heart pound when I think they are going to crash through the fence or hurt themselves . Some people will say let them work it out themselves and walk away . I immediately thought that I wished there was someone else here in case I needed help . No such luck . It was me and my herd . This was my lesson . No one else was going to step in and take charge or even stand back and give me moral support . Siete was squealing and when she saw me , she charged the fence and started to rear . I didn 't want her to catch her legs in the flexible rails and take out a section of fence and the posts . I started to take deep breaths . I imagined my legs were like tree trunks and sent energy down in to the ground like roots . Firmly but quietly , I said , " No ! Quit . " Siete hung in mid air , hooves about a foot off the ground . I raised my arms to my shoulders , not looking her in the eye , and slowly lowered them towards the ground . She backed down . I said , " Back , " motioning with my arm the way I 've been teaching her to back up . She took a step back . " Good girl . " Siete 's nostrils were flared and she was still breathing fire , but she stood still . Well , what do you know ! SPosted by I just want to bury my head under the covers today . I can 't bear to watch the news or read about what 's going on in Washington DC . We got about two inches of rain in our own backyard last night and this morning , with another three inches predicted to come . I worked outside all day yesterday , preparing the barn and the corral for this deluge . So far , the stalls are dry and cozy . The corral and pasture and drainage ditches are flooding . We 're only halfway through the storm . I 've been outside twice already to shovel mud so the water can keep draining . Now that I 've changed into dry clothes for the second time in four hours , I am taking a moment to reflect . There seems to be some financial parallels here . We keep digging ourselves out , but the economic weather is continuing to drown us . I 'm crawling under a blankie on the couch to hide until I get my optimism back . See you when the sun comes out ! Okay , so yesterday , I finished the barn chores , grabbed a book and a chair and sat down in the pasture with my horses . They came over to investigate immediately . I paid attention to each of them and then motioned for them to move out of my space and let me be . Siete wandered off to eat grass , but Silk stuck her belly right in front of my nose because she wanted me to scratch her . I finally had to take a small stick and motion with it to keep her out about five feet away from me . Silk stood , hanging her head , watching me sadly . Needless to say , it made me feel like I wanted to get up and do something with her - - groom her or play with her . I stayed in my chair and opened my book . It was impossible for me to read while Silk was staring at me with that hangdog expression . I looked around and noticed all the things that I still needed to do in the barn and the pasture - - like scrubbing the fence and clearing the drainage ditches to the corral . Then , I began to worry about Siete . She was standing with her back leg cocked while she grazed . It wa s the same foot that had the abscess . I wondered if it was not healed yet . I reminded myself that horses stand like this all the time when they are relaxed . Why couldn 't I relax ? Silk decided that she wanted to drink water out of the big bucket in the corral , so she was trying to stretch her neck in between the fence rails to reach it . She couldn 't , and I ended up getting up , filling a small bucket with water and holding it for her to drink . She drained the bucket twice . Smart horse , she knows that I always want her to drink water so it was a surefire way to get my attention . As soon as I sat down in my chair again , my mother came out , waving the cordless phone in her hand . I gave up , dragged the chair out of the pasture and didn 't stop moving until I fell into bed last night . So much for quiet contemplation ! Today is the Autumn Equinox , usually one of my favorite times of the year . I 've been wondering why I am so reluctant to let go of Summer this time around . I think it might be because I feel really ready for a change and yet , I 'm afraid that my expectations will be dashed . This has been a difficult summer without enough good times to relax and enjoy the beautiful weather we 've had . My interactions with my horses have been focused on healing them of physical ailments . I 'm just feeling jumpy and unsettled . Several years ago , a friend of mine studied with Sandra Ingerman , a shaman who lives in New Mexico . She introduced me to Sandra 's books and to her website , on which there is a monthly newsletter . Sandra is a wise woman with a big heart and great hope for the direction that this world is heading . So , on the Equinox , I turned to her to see what she had to say : " Let 's use the support of the seasonal change of letting go of what is no longer needed and release those blocking energies back to the earth and universe to be composted so that new beautiful life might be born from what you let go of . " Tomorrow , I 'm going to give myself the gift of an hour of sitting in the pasture with my horses . I 've been saying I want to do this almost every day and I never have the time . I think I 'll be twitching , wanting to groom them or pick up after them . I won 't give in to my nervous energy . I will let it all go back into the earth and worry about the compost pile later . I saw a quote from Albert Einstein this morning that was thought provoking on so many levels : " The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them . " It made me consider how often these days I wind up face - to - face with resistance . Whether it 's coming from my horses , my teen - aged daughter , my aging mother or political candidates , there seems to be a lot of resistance flying around . My immediate reaction used to be to get mad or annoyed . Often , I 've tried to take control . But over the years , I 've learned that it only builds more resistance and resentment between people and horse or people and people . Once I stop trying to force things to go my way and look at the situation from the other side , I find myself in this vast new territory . I allow myself to be open to all possibilities . It can be frightening to be so vulnerable , but it also gives me unexpected strength . And if the other person or horse meets me in this new terrain , we will make a connection to which we can return again and again . The minute I started to put the horses out in the pasture today , I could feel the difference . It 's frisky weather . The temperature dropped into the ' 40 's last night and will again tonight . Both Silk and Siete are just full of it . Siete was prancing as I led her to the gate . She pushed her nose against it before I could open it . It was a challenge since she knows that I don 't allow that kind of pushy behavior . We had to stop and wait and back up a few feet and wait again until she settled down enough to go forward calmly . As soon as I brought her inside and stepped back out , closing the gate , she took off . I admit it made me really happy to see her bucking and running like a healthy horse . Meanwhile , Silk was pawing impatiently in her stall , digging a hole to China . She didn 't test me , but also had no interest in eating any grass when I offered her the opportunity . Once inside the gate , she took off after her daughter , and they ran themselves around like I haven 't seen them play all summer . I went inside to get my camera , but by the time I got back , they were all tired out . Tonight , when I gave them dinner , they were all fired up again . The chill was in the air . Siete tried to knock the flake of hay out of my hands , so she had to wait until I fed Silk first . Once Siete stepped away from the door of her stall and waited nicely , she got her delicious second cut hay . It 's so soft and green that it looks good enough to make a salad out of . I love the smell of it . I wish that my energy was as high as theirs . I think Siete could sense that I was feeling vulnerable , and it stimulated her to try to get away with something , just like a kid testing the limits . These are the moments when I know to stand my ground and remember that every little thing makes a difference . Around here , we never let a horse rudely push her nose against the gate while we 're trying to open it - - who knows where that could lead . I learned last night that there are at least 100 horses still on Galveston Island in Texas needing food and water in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike . They have moved an additional 23 horses to a staging area in Santa Fe , Texas . It 's no surprise that one of the people who is coordinating this effort is Jerry Finch , founder of the equine rescue organization , Habitat for Horses . The bad news is that Habitat for Horses , which is in Hitchcock , not far from Galveston , also suffered serious damage . The 50 animals that are living there are okay , but the roof on the barn is gone and the sheds and storage area was destroyed . They are going to need lots of help restoring everything . Jerry started the organization in 1992 when he quit his job in sales in Houston and bought the 27 - acre ranch . He founded the non - profit in 1997 and has been helping not only horses but troubled kids as well for over a decade . There was a quote from Jerry in an article written about Habitat for Horses that I really liked : " I provide them with grain , hay , water - the essentials . At the same time , they 're feeding me with what I need to survive . They 're feeding my spiritual being , my spiritual growth . Had I not taken them in , I would now be as starved as they were at one time . " If you can lend a hand , go to www . habitatforhorses . org . Spend some time looking at what they do . It 's an organization with their hearts and priorities in the right place . Over the last month , Siete has developed a phobia about having her feet picked . It started after all the drama with her hoof abscesses and the new vet . Of course , it comes at a time when it is more important than ever that I am able to easily lift her hooves and keep them clean . For a while , I was imposing on my poor busy husband to hold the little horse while I struggled with her . I found myself getting more and more frustrated so I decided that I had to find a better way to deal with this new problem . I wanted Siete to know that it was no big deal for me to mess around with her feet . She 's always been so good about it , but I totally understand why she 's acting this way . Her feet have hurt , her legs have ached , and people keep asking her to balance on the sore hoof or stand in buckets of water or wear clunky medicine boots full of squishy goo . She 's just tired of it and pissed off . Even though she feels better , I think she might be worried that we 're going to do something to make her feet hurt again . So , I decided to take it slow and go back to ground zero . First , I started by fussing over the other horse . I spent a good , relaxed time picking out Silk 's feet and giving Siete 's mama lots of praise and attention . I ignored Siete who was also in the pasture , eating a little pile of hay and watching every move I made . Then , I pulled out my old " wand " that I used when I did Ttouch ( Linda Tellington Jones ) with Silk . I used it with Siete , rubbing it all over her , sliding it down her legs and tapping the knob end on her hooves . She was fine with that . The next day , I decided to continue grooming the horses " at liberty " while they were out in the pasture . I picked Silk 's hooves out while she stood for me without a lead rope . When it was Siete 's turn , I used the clicker and some bits of carrot to help . Happily , Siete was ready and willing to stand still for me and let me lift up her front right foot . I picked it out , clicked and gave her the carrot . When I bent over to do the back hoof , I felt a genPosted by Today is my daughter 's 13th birthday . I don 't think I 've ever told you , but I wouldn 't have Silk or Siete if it weren 't for my child . When she was just a baby , she was horse crazy . We lived in California and there was a gardening store and plant nursery walking distance from our house . They had three old ponies in a corral with a little barn . Every day , my daughter would beg me to take her to see the ponies so she could feed them carrots . After a couple of months of fattening up these spoiled ponies , I decided that I would look for a barn where I could ride Western and my little cowgirl could see real horses . I found a place with a sign saying " Cowgirl Heaven " over the door , and we spent most of our time and money there . It awakened an important part of me that had been lost for many years . That 's when I bought Silk , but she was too spirited for a child to ride . I would borrow the horse in the neighboring corral , a good old boy named Buster , to let my 3 - year old daughter ride around bareback as I led him on " Ranch Patrol " . It reminded me of myself when I was her age . My child began riding on her own when she was four . First , there was Jinny Jigs , a 20 - year old Quarter Horse that I called " the Mother Theresa of all horses " . Then , there was Dusty , a 28 - year old Paint stallion who was a big Teddy bear . When Dusty died , my daughter cried harder than I 'd ever seen her cry . She said to me , " Mommy , I think my heart is breaking . " She still misses him and talks about him . A month later , Siete was born , and my daughter had a horse of her own . When Siete was first being trained , the guy who was starting her told me , " She 's a great horse for a little girl . " I had a feeling that he was being derisive , but I laughed and agreed with him because that 's what Siete is - - my little girl 's horse . In recent times , the electric bass guitar and other interests have taken priority over horseback riding . It 's funny though that when I ride Silk , my daughter suddenly appears out of nowhere at the corrPosted by Time to send some more good vibrations out into the blogosphere for some of our friends . Today , I 'm hoping that Lynda Polk and her horses , Starman and Marker , along with all the other horses in Texas , stay safe during Hurricane Ike 's visit . I 'm also looking forward to a message from Strawberry Lane that she has taken possession of Shadow . And Mikey and Juli Thorson are rescuing a blind Appaloosa today in Idaho , so here 's wishing them a safe easy time of it . They are true horse heroes . We 've just come home from a funeral . One of our friends and neighbors , Grandpa Joe , who was 81 years old , unexpectedly left this earth . His spirit is still with us , and all week , we 've been trying to help his family as they go through this sad time . He was a sweet gentleman who lived a long and admirable life . Everyone will miss him . I 'm still thinking about how last week , Billie and I were imagining these gigantic swirls of good energy . I 've continued to watch the radar images of these hurricanes with their red and yellow and green spirals . So , as a counterpoint , I see similar circles with beautiful shades of purple , turquoise , pink and lavender or maybe a " web of light " with millions of starry points glowing as we all hang in there together and create a worldwide positive force of friendship and support . I was on my way to the grocery store this afternoon around 4 o ' clock . As I walked down the path from the house to my car , I heard this incredible screeching from a big gathering of crows at the back of our property . I turned to see what was going on and realized that the horses were freaking out , running and bucking and rearing in the corral . I grabbed some hay and headed towards the barn . As I reached the gate to the corral , I saw a coyote attacking some animal in the " way back " . I couldn 't tell if it was a cat or a ground hog , but it was fighting like crazy for its life . Dropping the hay , I ran towards the coyote screaming and waving my arms . It dropped the animal and both creatures ran in opposite directions . My heart was pounding . I gave each horse a flake of hay and stood with them until I was breathing normally . Then , still quite shaken , I went to the store . A while later , I was talking to a friend of mine who is a writer living in New York City . I described what had happened , and he said that sometimes life externalizes what is going on inside of us . He said that this might have been the proverbial " wolf at my door " - or in this case , " coyote at my door " . We had a good laugh about it . He also pointed out that what was important to note was that I had run towards it screaming and chasing it so that I was successful at driving it away . When I told my husband what had happened , he asked me to please take a shovel with me next time I drove off a coyote in case it decided to fight back . ANOTHER THOUGHT : Billie mentioned Ted Andrews ( " Animal Speak " ) , so I looked at what he says is the meaning of a coyote coming into your life . It means you should ask yourself if you are complicating what is really simple . It also indicates that you might not be seeing some wisdom in the events in your life . Hmm . It really feels like Autumn arrived last night . The temperature dropped , and this morning , I could tell that Silk was feeling the difference . Her energy level ramped up and she didn 't even want to eat grass on the way to the pasture gate . As soon as I let the horses loose , she took off in big running circles , stretching out on her own for the first time in so long . Siete wasn 't so sure , but her mama rolled up behind her and nudged her out for some play time . Leaves are turning red and yellow , apples are ripe , and the sun is setting by suppertime . We 've been gobbling up this year 's crop of Honey Crisps and some of us in this house are talking about what we 're going to be for Halloween this year . After over 16 years of living in California , I am always delighted to be back on the East Coast in September . Putting on my flannel shirts and sweats to go feed the horses in the morning , I recalled that the " new year " always seems to begin after Labor Day for me . I can feel the high energy crackling , and I guess that Silk can too . All is well that ends . That 's one of my favorite phrases , and especially descriptive of how I feel today . Hanna took all day coming up here . When I locked the horses in their stalls and gave them extra hay around 6 : 30 last night , it startied to really rain hard . Silk had been agitated all day , racing around the pasture and standing on alert at the corral gate . When I put her in the barn , she was so tense , her neck rigid . She could feel it coming . In two hours , we got four inches of rain . By the time Hanna left town , we had almost six inches . Around eight o ' clock , they issued a tornado warning . The storm was causing wind to swirl back in the opposite direction of how it usually travels here , so instead of moving east and south , it was reversing north and west . This caused tornado conditions for about two hours . We watched it closely thanks to some really excellent local TV coverage ( what a surprise ! ) and the amazingly accurate radar tracking on weather . com . The giant swirl swept just to the right of us , crossing above our neighborhood and moving north . We were so lucky ! There was no way that we could get Pepper down to the basement . My mom was already asleep , and we didn 't want to wake her and scare her . I debated whether to make a dash to the barn and open the front of the stalls so the horses could run out into the corral if there was indeed a tornado and it took out the barn . As I saw the big red blob on the radar screen slide alongside us and upwards , I decided that opening the doors would only flood the stalls . Besides , the rain was coming down so hard that I couldn 't even see six feet in front of me . And the basement started flooding , so that needed our attention . I was so glad my husband wasn 't traveling on a business trip as he usually seems to be when these weather dramas occur here . When the rain stopped after midnight , the wind really kicked up . At 3 am , I woke up because it was eerily quiet and completely pitch black . I couldn 't even see my hand when I lifted it in front of my face . No power . FortunaPosted by So far , so good . Arlene 's daughter emailed me that Grey Horse Matters made it through the surgery and was doing well . Billie at Camera Obscura posted a charming photo of Rafer Johnson in his new cast . We 're so pleased that he 's in good spirits and that Hanna didn 't do damage to them in North Carolina . Now , it 's our turn . We got several inches of rain last night , but the brunt of it is going to hit us this evening . My big concern is the wind . We 've got these huge old Beech trees next to our house that shade our slate patio . They are so beautiful , like giant green umbrellas . And there are two enormous Hickory trees near the barn and the pasture . I know that lots of people cut down trees that grow too large near their houses , but we can 't bear to do it . They are like trusted sentinels on our land . Each tree here seems to have its own personality and story to tell . I 'm reminding myself that between Old Hickory and the barn , the former owner of this property buried her beloved white horse . So , let the Spirit of the White Horse protect us as Hanna drops by for a visit tonight . I 'm sending lots of luck and love out into the blogosphere today . Here 's wishing Arlene at Grey Horse Matters a successful knee surgery , and Rafer Johnson , Billie 's adorable mini donkey , an easy time getting his cast on his broken leg . I have my fingers crossed that Marvel at Strawberry Lane is able to rescue Shadow , the starving horse . To everyone in the path of Tropical Storm Hanna , I hope that you ride on through safely . Yesterday was spent battening down our hatches around here as Hanna approaches . We cleared the ditch around the barn , and I bought bags of wood pellets in case Silk 's stall floods . They predict that we 'll get 4 to 6 inches of rain , which depending on how fast it comes down , could be okay since the ground is very dry right now . Siete is much better . Pepper is holding on , and we 're hoping that she made it through that rough patch . Many thanks for all your kind thoughts and prayers for my sweet animals . They 're working ! Let 's hope that all this good energy keeps going and helps everyone get through whatever they are trying to get through this weekend . I have an Indonesian friend who tells me that life is like a coin - - " on the other side of pain , there 's hope " . As I filled the horses ' water buckets at 6 : 30 this morning , I was wondering how it would feel to be comfortably settled into a routine that had no stress . I have some neighbors who get up every morning , go to the same job they 've had for many years , get their weekly paychecks , mow their lawns , watch their kids ' soccer games and sleep soundly each night . Some folks might call that boring , but in this troubled world I find it so appealing . So , drinking my coffee and standing in Silk 's stall , I stopped to appreciate this one day where everything was okay right here , right now . Siete is feeling better . Silk isn 't itching . My dog , Pepper , finally ate some food and slept comfortably last night . My daughter is happy in her new school . Even though my mom is seeing imaginary people out by the barn , I can deal with that . We 're not recovering from or waiting for a hurricane , although that may change by the weekend . Every day , all of us face unexpected challenges . I know it 's more than likely an illusion that my neighbors live so calm and happy in their routines . But as you know , I also treasure the days that I can find real peace in my chaotic life . Over twenty years ago , during a midlife crisis , I gave myself a gift I 'd wanted all my life . My Quarter Horse , Silk , is a former Western Pleasure & Trail show horse . She retired from the ring and became my greatest teacher . Fourteen years ago , we were blessed with her daughter , Siete ( aka My Impulsive Hobby ) . Now , both horses live happily in our backyard . I did so many dumb things and knew so little about caring for horses when I first bought Silk . Time and the horses have taught me some valuable lessons . I hope that I can share what I learn with other horse lovers and help people take the time to look at the world from the horse 's point of view . Their message is full of honesty , trust and love . Besides being a cowgirl , Victoria produces film and television programs . With director / artist Robert Longo and science fiction writer William Gibson , she created the movie " Johnny Mnemonic " , starring Keanu Reeves . She also produced the first AIDS benefit in 1985 , called " Comic Relief " , with Mike Nichols , Lorne Michaels , Steve Martin and other far - sighted , caring celebrities . Her television career most recently includes being the Series Producer for " Interpol Investigates " for the National Geographic Channel . She 's also worked for the Children 's Television Network , HBO , Showtime and all three major networks . She lives happily with her husband , her daughter , a dog , and of course , two wonderful Quarter Horses . |
Monday , July 6th , 2015 Posted on July 6 , 2015 by cielodrive . com On Monday , December 1 , 1969 , Judge William Keene signed an order , requested by Attorney Richard Caballero , authorizing the removal of Sadie Mae Glutz , aka Susan Atkins , from the Sybil Brand Institute , between the hours of 2 : 30pm and 10 : 00pm . Atkins was taken to 425 South Beverly Boulevard , Beverly Hills - the law offices of Paul Caruso - where she was interviewed on tape by Caruso and Caballero for the purpose of determining a plea . The following is the transcript of the taped interview . SUSAN ATKINS : About two months prior to meeting him I was in an apartment in San Francisco and I was on LSD up on the roof and I just looked at the city and I couldn 't handle it . And I remember reaching up with my hands and there was no sky , just blue in my hands , and there was no depth to it . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , and I asked if God , just stop this world and take me off of it . About two months later , after travelling around for two or three months , I ended up in a house in San Francisco on Lime Street . It was primarily dope dealers . I got involved with them and then one day a little man came in with a guitar and started singing for a group of us that were together . And he sang , the song that hit me hardest was " The Shadow of His Smile " and his voice , his manner , just more or less hypnotized me - mesmerized me . I was just absolutely in love with him . I didn 't know him and I also felt I was in competition with him because he got more attention than I did . SUSAN ATKINS : And I asked him if I could play his guitar . Now , I didn 't know how to play the guitar , I knew maybe one or two chords on the guitar . And he said to me , sure , and handed me his guitar . And I looked at it and I thought to myself , I didn 't say it , I said I can 't play this and he turned around and he looked at me , straight in the eye , and said you can play that if you want to . And immediately I knew he was in my head and , wow , nothing like this ever happened before and it blew my mind . I was just with him from then on . SUSAN ATKINS : No , I handed it back to him after that . I plucked with it but handed it back . And he left and came back , you know , in about a period of two days and he took me off . You know , took me for a walk . Said do you want to go for a walk with me and and I said yes . I felt really privileged because all the girls in the house were just in love with him , his whole mannerism and the way he spoke . And we walked about two blocks away from where our house was to the place where he was staying in San Francisco and he took me into his room and said I want to make love with you and I said okay . Have you ever made love with your father . I said no . He said have you never thought about it ? And I got kind of embarrassed and said yeah , like two or three times . He told me to take off my clothes . I took off my clothes . There was a full length mirror in the room and he said notice yourself in the mirror . I couldn 't look at myself . He said , go ahead , look at yourself in the mirror - look how beautiful you are . I looked and I turned away and he pushed my head back and said Look , you 're perfect . And I said well , yes , it 's okay and while he was making love with me told me to imagine I was making love with my father to get me through that particular hangup that I had about my father . And about when we were through , it didn 't last long , it was better than I 'd ever had it before . It was the most beautiful experience I 'd ever experienced . He took me back to Lime Street house and then he left . And then he brought over two girls the next day , a girl by the name of Lynn Fromme and Patricia Krenwinkel and a Mary Brunner and said that they 'd just gotten a school bus and they were going to paint it black and fix up the inside and he asked , a couple of other girls , a girl by the name of Ella , I don 't know what her last name , Ella Bailey and another girl I don 't know what her name is and asked if they wanted to go along with him and I felt hurt because he didn 't ask me . And so I was talking to the other girl and they saPAUL CARUSO : You were too shy ? SUSAN ATKINS : Right . I wanted him to ask me . And he came back and was getting the two girls ready to go in the school bus with him and I was upstairs , it was a three story house , and he was talking to another girl . And at the time I had what I called " the little man " who was in jail - SUSAN ATKINS : No . I had just quit working as a topless dancer . He came up to me and said , " Well , are you going to go with me or aren 't you ? " I said , " Well , what about my old man in jail ? " And he said , " What do you mean ' your old man ' ? Don 't you mean your victim ? " I flashed , Wow , he 's right . I went downstairs and packed two changes of clothes , some of my mother 's things that I had with me , put it in a suitcase , put it in the bus , and off we went . And for about a year and a half all we did was travel around in that bus . Five girls and Charlie . SUSAN ATKINS : People gave us things . Charlie had such a way of communicating with us we were just all together in the bus going through our changes , getting to know each other , getting uninhibited so we could make love each other freely . And he put me through a few changes with Lynn and he would make love with Lynn and I 'd feel jealous and so would everybody else in the bus for the simple reason he always picked her . In all three years he only made love with me six times . PAUL CARUSO : Self - confidence . You should have it . That 's why it 's a shame for anybody to put you down because you shouldn 't be put down . You should have self - confidence . SUSAN ATKINS : That 's what Charles did for three years - he gave me my faith in myself back to me . One of the good things he did for me . Showed me how to be a woman and not to be a man - trap . In other words , I can control men if I wish to , but that 's not my place and I realize that now . SUSAN ATKINS : Right . He said you 're not afraid of me enough and I don 't know what it 's going to take to put that fear in you but you 're just not that afraid of me . And when he said that , I really became afraid of him and often times I would do things - I knew I was strong - I was stronger than most any of the girls there - I knew it . I would go through my changes and I would go through my changes silently ; more than openly and I knew I had a lot of influence with a lot of the girls . He even told me that once . He said that , You have more influence over these girls than any of the other girls . That you 've almost got more influence over them than me , but I 'm not going to let that happen . " SUSAN ATKINS : For him and the more I would do things to please him , the more he would tell me , don 't do it for me , do it for yourself . I don 't care about you . I just love you completely . SUSAN ATKINS : No , but then again I did because I was never asked to do things for him . All the other girls were asked to do things for him because he knew I was capable of doing things for him . And he wanted to give the other girls that chance - SUSAN ATKINS : I stabbed a man five or six times , but I would say that was in self - defense . I was ordered by a man by the name of Tex to kill a man . But I hesitated and because I hesitated the man got his chance to attack me and I luckily enough had a knife in my hand because the man was big he could have just one whack - PAUL CARUSO : You know I represented a suspect in that murder . You know that or don 't you know that ? If you don 't know , I 'll tell you that a man named Harrigan was arrest - well , not arrested by the police , but he was a prime suspect . So Harrigan and I went down to the police station and they interrogated him for about 4 hours - SUSAN ATKINS : Well , Charlie instructed us to go there and gave us a car and and told us all to get two changes of clothes , basically black , and we had been buying black clothes for what we call creepie - crawlies , we go around and creepy - crawlie people 's houses - we wouldn 't take anything - just for the experience of getting the fear and bringing ourselves to now . And he instructed us to get the clothes and our knives and such and such , and four of us got in the car and started going up to this place . Now Tex explained to us the situation at the house because he had seen the house . He 'd been up in the house . The house used to belong to Terry Melcher . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes . We know Terry very well . The reason Charlie picked that house was to instill fear into Terry Melcher because Terry had given us his word on a few things and never came through with them . So Charlie wanted to put some fear into him , let him know that what Charlie said was the way it is , just what he said . the way it is and his philosophy , most people call it . And we , he explained the set up of the house for us and had a set of bolt cutters with us , and ropes and a gun . One rope , that was a gun and each one of us had a knife . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , something like that , I would imagine . I don 't see a picture in my mind right now . If I flash on it , I 'll let you know . I believe , we drove up to the house , turned the car around , you know the set - up of the house , turned the car around and parked it between the gate and a neighbor 's house . We got out of the car , this is going downhill , we got out of the car and got the bolt cutter . Tex climbed up the telephone pole and snipped two wires , hoping that they were the telephone wires - one happened to be for the telephone and one for the - SUSAN ATKINS : - Utilities . Yes , utility line . Then we got back in the car , drove it down the hill and parked the car at the base of hill , up aways , so it wouldn 't look too suspicious . We walked back up the hill . We didn 't touch the gate because we didn 't know if it was electrified or not but you know there 's a slope on the driveway ? Well , we climbed up that hill and there was a small place where we could climb over the fence . So we went over the fence , four of us , and all of a sudden we saw light coming out and we knew it was a car and Tex told us to lay down and be still , so we all just did , exactly what he said , just laid down and be still . And just as the car drove into our sight , couldn 't actually see what happened , but I heard Tex say , " Stop - halt " and he had the gun on this young boy and I heard the boy say , " Please don 't hurt me - I won 't say anything and the gun went off four times . And Tex came back and said come on and we proceeded to go , you know how the front door is ? Well , there 's a window right next to it . He lifted up and opened the window , went inside and around and opened the front door . We had no idea how many people were in the house . When we got into the living room , there was a man sleeping on the couch and his head was , the back of it was facing me . Tex went around in front and the man woke up thinking it was a friend of his . He said " What time is it ? " - I forget the name he said , and Tex stood in front with with the gun and said don 't move or you 're dead . Then he motioned for us to come and stand behind the couch and we left Linda outside to listen for sounds . It surprised me that nobody heard the gunshots but they weren 't that loud . It was a very quiet gun . And then Tex let me in and said go check the other rooms . So I went down the hall to Abigail Folger 's bedroom and Sharon Tate 's bedroom . PAUL CARUSO : Jay Sebring ? SUSAN ATKINS : Yes . They were talking and didn 't see me . And I looked back at Abigail Folger and said , What are you reading " ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , I didn 't . I came back out and I told Tex , there 's three more in there . And so he told me take the rope and tie up what ever , his name is - SUSAN ATKINS : Frykowski . And I was shaking so bad I couldn 't tie his hands but I got the rope around and couldn 't pull it tight . And he just , he was so petrified he just laid there and didn 't say a word . And he kept asking Tex , " What do you want ? What do you want ? " " Who are you ? " And Tex said , " I 'm the devil , I 'm here to do the devil 's business . " And , " We want all your money . Where 's your money ? " He said , " My money 's in the wallet on the desk " and Tex told me to go over and look on the desk and I said , " Tex , it 's not there " . And then Tex said " go in and get the other people and bring them out here . " So I took my knife and I went in and stood by Abigail Folger 's bed and said " Go out in the living room " and " Don 't ask any questions " . And I went into Sharon Tate 's room and told them to go out in the living room . And the three of them were pretty much terrified by what was going on . And Tex took the rope and tied it to Sebring and Tate together and put the rope over the - SUSAN ATKINS : Did all three of them that way . No , before I go to that . He , Jay Sebring , came into the living room and said " What 's going on " and Tex said , " Go over and sit down " . Jay Sebring proceeded to advance on Tex and Tex shot him . And he fell on the floor . I think he fell on his side because I saw him laying on his side . And Sharon went through a few changes , ( laugh ) , quite a few changes . PAUL CARUSO : What did he throw over the beam ? Did he throw the rope over the beam and then tie them ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , he tied them up and then pulled it tight , and then threw it over so they couldn 't move either way . RICHARD CABALLERO : What did they pull over her head ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , but he didn 't move for a while and then - Tex proceeded to tie them up - Sebring - I had taken the rope off of him and proceeded to bind his hands with a towel I found in the bathroom . I didn 't do a very good job of that , evidently I wanted the man to get away . I don 't know , subconsciously I was thinking . I know I wasn 't thinking consciously at all . Then Tex said to him " Where 's your money " and Sharon or Abigail said " My money 's in my wallet " and Tex instructed me to go get it out of her wallet . And I untied her and she led me back and I told her , " You get it out " . She handed me $ 72 . 00 or $ 73 . 00 and said that 's all she had and said do you want my credit cards ? And I said no . She put the wallet back in and I proceeded to lead her back into the living room and tied her back up and put the rope back over the beam . And one of the ladies said " what are you going to do with us and Tex said , " You 're all going to die . " And this caused immediate panic . And Tex told me to kill the big man , Frykowski , well I went over to him and I raised the knife and I hesitated . And as I hesitated , he reached up and grabbed my hair , he started pulling my hair . So I had to fight for my life as far as I was concerned . I still had the knife . Somehow he managed to turn my head , he was still holding my hair and he was behind me , he , fell in the chair behind me , that was next to the couch this way and he was fighting and I was kicking him and I proceeded to stab him three or four times in the leg and then while this was going on , Abigail started getting loose and was fighting with Katie . Linda had evidently heard some noise and went back down and sat in the car so we had no watch for the outside . Well as this went on there was a lot of confusion going on , I don 't remember exactly what happened , but I remember seeing Frykowski going outside and as he was going outside he was yelling - for his life , he was screaming , really loud . And I said Tex , help me . Do something . Tex went over and RICHARD CABALLERO : Just a minute - did Frykowski get shot ? RICHARD CABALLERO : I want to ask one more question . When Tex first approached , when you called Tex to help you with Frykowski , Tex approached Frykowski , was Tex approaching , did he approach him from the back ? That 's what I want to know . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , but I don 't ' remember because I was on the floor . Sharon was starting to get herself loose from the rope and the Folger girl had already broken loose and was fighting with Katie and I was just standing there watching , there wasn 't much I could do . I had given my knife , I thought , to one of the other girls , the girl that was outside . Evidently I didn 't because she didn 't have it when we left so I figured I had lost it in the house , which threw paranoia into me as we left . I went over and got Sharon and put her in a head lock . She didn 't fight me , I just held her . Then she was begging me to let her go so she could a her baby and Katie was calling for me to help her because Folger was bigger than Katie and Katie had long , long hair . She was pulling on Katie 's hair and Katie was calling for me to help her . So I called to Tex to do something . Tex came back into the house and reached up to stab Folger and she looked at him and said , " You 've got me , I give up " and Tex stabbed her and she was on the floor . I think he stabbed her in the stomach because I saw her grab down here . And then Tex went back outside because the other man , Frykowski , had gone outside and was on the lawn by then , still running and calling for help and he proceeded to continue killing him . I would imagine that was SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , his whole outfit was mod . It looked like an Indian , East Indian outfit . Then Tex told me , Sharon Tate wanted to sit down , so I took her over and sat her down on the couch . She said all I want to do is have my baby and I knew I had to say something to her before she got hysterical and while I was talking to her I knew everything I was saying to myself , I wasn 't talking to her . " Woman , I have no mercy for you " and that was myself to only me . When the Folger girl started to go outside , Tex and Katie went outside and I just stayed there with Sharon . I 'm not sure whether Katie went outside or not . Then Tex came back in and said " Kill her " " Katie said to kill her " . I reached to grab ahold of her arms , I didn 't want to kill her , so I grabbed ahold of her arms and said , " Tex , I can 't kill her , I 've got her arms , You do it . " And Katie couldn 't kill her . So Tex stabbed her in the heart and he told us to get out . We , Katie and I , went running outside looking for Linda because we didn 't see her and yelling for her but we didn 't want to yell too loud . When Tex came out I said Tex do you have my knife ? , and he said no . I said Katie do you have my knife and she said no . So I said Linda must have it , I think I gave it to her . And he said , Sadie , go back and write something on the door . I didn 't want to go back into that house . SUSAN ATKINS : That 's the way I recollect it . I know we had one buck knife and it had black tape wrapped around it because the handle was broken off . Just a little piece . RICHARD CABALLERO : Where did you get the knife from ? SUSAN ATKINS : From the Ranch . It was stuck in wood . I don 't know where the knife actually came from . RICHARD CABALLERO : Things were pretty excited at that point . And you stopped in the car and as you will relate in a few minutes , you wanted to get rid of it ? But first of all , there was another knife there , that might have been there a buck knife too ? Do you have knowledge that there was another knife that might have been a buck knife ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , I don 't . PAUL CARUSO : Susan said they all had knives . RICHARD CABALLERO : Yes . This is crucial because the police have a knife and that 's what we 're trying to get to because there 's a very good chance that you left a different knife there . PAUL CARUSO : They showed my client Harrington several knives , when they were questioning him and he couldn 't identify any of them . Now , Susan , you started to tell us about going back in the house and grabbed the towel you used to tie up and you took it over to Sharon Tate . Was she bleeding very much ? PAUL CARUSO : Where 's Linda ? SUSAN ATKINS : Linda had disappeared on us and we didn 't know where she was and we called for her . But we didn 't want to go around , didn 't want to even go anywhere near that area . We were instructed to go to the next door neighbor 's house and to do the same thing . SUSAN ATKINS : Now , we went , you know the button that you use to open the gate ? Tex pushed that button , but I don 't think he used his fingers , I think he used his arm or something . And we picked up our clothes which we had stashed by the gate , we all knelt and picked up our second change of clothes , walking down the road not too conspicuous , and Linda was in the car . She had started to start the car and Tex told her to get over , excuse the expression , what the fuck did she think she was doing ? We got in the car and there was nothing but just [ long drawn out sigh ] SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , we all did . And proceeded to change our clothes in the car as we were driving . Now we went for a ride to look for a place to dump the bloody clothes . Now this , I saw that last night and you 'll see the change . As we were driving we flipped off the route down a couple of side streets to look for a dark house and we found one . We got out of the car , walked up the street , found a house with no lights on , hoping there would be nobody home , and we found a big house . All I remember is that it was a big house with a lot of shrubbery around it , the front . We looked for the hose , turned the hose on , went out in the street and proceeded to wash ourselves off . All this happened spontaneously , we didn 't plan anything that happened , it was all spontaneous . All of a sudden we heard an old man and an old woman coming out - what are you people doing and blab , blah , blab . The old woman said my houseman belong to the Sheriff 's - SUSAN ATKINS : - Something like Deputy Reserve , he belonged to the Sheriff 's Department of Los Angeles County and he was going to report this . What are you doing ? And Tex just looked at them , smiled , and said , " We 're just getting a drink of water . Sorry we disturbed you . " And the old man said , " is that your car down there ? " And Tex said , " No , we 're walking . " And the man said " I know that 's your car down there . " Tex said , " Okay , girls , get in the car " and we double fast walked to the car . Now , all the weapons were not in the car . Before we went to that house we went for a drive up Mulholland Drive , before we went to the house to wash off , we went for a drive and we drove along the side of a deep embankment , I don 't remember where it was , it was dark , and I didn 't pay any attention , and Linda had all the weapons , all but the one knife , up in the front seat , and Tex said , " Does anybody have a white rag " ? in order that if somebody saw us throwing something , we could throw the white rag while we were throwing things out of the window . And we proceeded to throw all of the clothes . We stopped one time . Linda got out of the car , threw all the clothes over as far as she could , over the side of the embankment . SUSAN ATKINS : I don 't know . I have no idea . We drove around quite a bit . I wasn 't paying any attention . I was just stunned . RICHARD CABALLERO : Susan , before we leave that point , when you say you got rid of all the weapons , did that include the gun ? SUSAN ATKINS : And then after we disposed of all the weapons , then we continued to drive until we got down to a residential area , I know it was close to Sunset Boulevard . Then we got in the car and the man and woman were walking behind us and we were walking fast . Tex got in the car and started it , and the woman kept saying , take their driver 's license , number , but he didn 't have anything to write it down with . He got in the car and started it and the man came up and reached in to take the keys , evidently he knew there was something suspicious going on , and Tex flooded the car , put it in low and took off . Practically broke the man 's hand from what I could see . I just flashed , wow , that was a strange house to pick , out of all the houses - and then we drove down the road and made a couple of turns and stopped at a gas station . The purpose for stopping at the gas station was we were almost out of gas . We bought some gas and the three of us girls took turns going into the bathroom checking for blood spots and making sure we were clean . Tex did the same . But all the way out I noticed there was blood on the car and I hoped that nobody had seen it . When we got back to the Ranch we got out of the car and went directly to the cafe which was our - SUSAN ATKINS : - yes , the whole ranch was my hang out , our home , and I went in the kitchen and got a rag and proceeded to wipe down the whole car for blood . I didn 't know where it was but I knew if there was any it would be on the steering wheel and on the handles well , I didn 't touch anything else . Charlie came out and said what are you doing home so early ? Tex and Charlie walked off and talked . We went down to the end of the boardwalk and went into what we call the bunkhouse and there was Brenda ( who 's known as Nancy Pitman ) , and Katie and Linda and Tex and Charlie and we all sat back - I almost passed out - SUSAN ATKINS : You know the auto store that has all the far - out cars ? PAUL CARUSO : Oh ! On Sunset Boulevard near Stefanino 's . Do you know where Stefanino 's is ? SUSAN ATKINS : And when we got back to the Ranch , I almost passed out . I was sitting there trying to pay attention to what Charlie was saying , and I just couldn 't handle it . I laid back on the floor and I felt as though I was being killed . RICHARD CABALLERO : How did you come to the house , how did you enter ? Let 's go over that very carefully . SUSAN ATKINS : Tex went through the window , came around the front door and unlocked it and opened it and let us in the front door . SUSAN ATKINS : The gates ? We didn 't go over the gates because we didn 't know , it they were electrified , whether there was an alarm system that we didn 't want to set off , so we went up alongside the embankment and climbed over the fence . In fact , I got caught on the barbed wire , it wasn 't barbed wire , but I got caught - SUSAN ATKINS : Nothing . He just acted as though it never happened . Charlie is the type that he lives each second for each second and pays no mind to what happened two seconds , that 's how much now he is . SUSAN ATKINS : Tex told me that he and Charlie had been there before - that 's why they chose the house . RICHARD CABALLERO : Did he say he had been up there with Charlie or just Charlie alone ? SUSAN ATKINS : He stated , I believe , I 'm not sure , so don 't quote me , that he and Charlie had both been up there together . PAUL CARUSO : Who originally told you to get the black clothes for the " creepy crawlies " as you called it . SUSAN ATKINS : Well , Charlie had pretty much control over everybody but as I said before Charlie usually , in fact , all the time , he said " you people are not my people . You belong to yourselves and you do what you want to do . " RICHARD CABALLERO : You say you may have said Charles - why is that ? SUSAN ATKINS : because I know Tex 's name is also Charles . I haven 't called Tex Charles but maybe two or three times to his face and that was only when Charlie was not there . SUSAN ATKINS : Well , I got back to the Ranch and as I said earlier , Charlie and Tex and Brenda and Katie and me were in the bunkhouse talking . And Linda was there . The reason I don 't remember Linda a lot is because she was not prominent in my mind . She wasn 't with us for more than a month . Then I went in and slept for a while and when I woke up , it just hit me , I didn 't want to . Also I wanted to go and look at the news reports because I knew it would be in the news . I went into what I call the trailer , there 's an area that 's located next to Mrs . Spahn 's house and there was this little TV in there . I turned on the news and that was the first thing that hit . I went wild and quick like ran out and got Katie and told her to come watch television with me , it was on the news . I called Linda in and I called Tex in and I called Clem in , because Clem knew about it . Charlie wasn 't awake . SUSAN ATKINS : We watched the newscast and it kind of , it really helped me to know that the people were as important as they were - it blew my mind and there were a few comments made , well , the soul really picked a good one this time . Just happened to have been Sharon Tate , a movie actress , and it happened to have made nationwide and worldwide news which we had no knowledge that that 's what it would do . There was a comment made that what had happened had served it 's purpose , that was to instill fear in man himself . SUSAN ATKINS : The establishment . That 's what it was done for . To instill fear - to cause a paranoia . To also show black man how to go about taking over white man . I just put it out of my mind as best I could . I couldn 't . For two days I just had nothing but pictures of what was happening and flashes on the Hinman case . It was just so vivid I just accepted it and sat and watched the pictures in my mind . I continued to appear normal on the Ranch and did my work on the Ranch and that night we all got together and smoked some grass and sang some songs . I think I made love with Clem , I 'm not sure who I made love with or if I even made love that night . And , next day , I would look at Katie and Katie would look at me and we both would know that that was the utmost thing in our minds , that we couldn 't put it out of our couldn 't minds , it was right there . And I 'd look at Charlie and he 'd wink at me and give me reassurance that everything was okay , was going to be alright . He didn 't have to say it - I just felt it . Tex seemed his normal self , just as happy and go - lucky as could be . But everybody on the ranch was pretty quiet . Everybody on the Ranch knew by then there had been a killing but they didn 't know who had done it . They had their suspects because most of them knew that we had gone out the night before . Went through the next day pretty normal , took care of things that had to be taken care of at the Ranch . I forget , I believe the next night , Charlie told me to get two changes of clothes , and a knife , we were going to do it again . I gave a sigh and he said do you have any remorse ? I said no , knowing that all the time inside they did . And he knew it ? Because he knows me inside - out - in fact , he knows what I 'm doing right now . It 's killing him as much as it is killing me . Linda and Katie , Clem and Tex and Leslie , all got in the car . We all had our things together , knives , and I think there were two guns or one gun , and we just drove around . We went over to Pacific Palisades , Pasadena , we drove around and stopped at two ' houses , Charlie got out of the car , we drove around the block - SUSAN ATKINS : Charlie . And he was talking the whole time . I forget what he was telling us , he was just talking , to keep us so we wouldn 't be thinking about what we were doing . Stopped at one house , Charlie got out , we went around the block and Charlie came back . We picked up Charlie and he said , " Man , there were pictures of children in that house . I just couldn 't do that . " He said there may come a time when we we might have to kill some children but it would in order to save the children that are coming with us . And so I accepted that and we drove asleep around . I fell asleep . I slept . I felt tired , thoroughly exhausted . I hadn 't slept , I just couldn 't sleep . And when I woke up we were parked and I looked around and I recognized the area as being the area where I had taken an acid trip with Charlie and the girls and a few people in the house . What I considered the Beverly Hills area . RICHARD CABALLERO : I want to stop you there . We discussed this before . This house that made you recognize the area , did you discuss it with Charlie then ? SUSAN ATKINS : No . Not at that particular time . SUSAN ATKINS : Charlie got out of the car , went in the house and we all just sat there very quiet , didn 't make a sound , lit a cigarette , in fact we all lit a cigarette and sat there and smoked and didn 't say anything . Charlie came back to the car and called Tex out and Tex and Charlie went into the house . Now I dozed off and after I dozed off , I had a dream - it was so visual it was actually what was happening in the house - I could see Charlie tieing the man up and talking to him , tieing the woman up . And then he came back to the car and I woke up . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , with a gun . He crept into the house , that 's what he told me when he came back to the car . He instructed Katie and Leslie - I hoped he wouldn 't ask me to do it and he didn 't because he picked up on those vibrations - told Katie and to go into the house with Tex and Katie and Tex and Leslie went into the house which left Linda and Clem and me and Charlie and he instructed them to hitch - hike home when they were through . I said , " Charlie , isn 't that the house we took the acid trip in with Harold in ? " and he said , " No , it 's the house next door . " I said " Oh " and that 's all that was said about it . On the way out he picked up the woman 's wallet , which had her identification and credit cards in it and we took the opposite direction from which we came and dropped the I . D . off at a gas station . Linda went into the gas station and left the waIlet in the gas station , the women 's restroom , hoping that a black woman would find it and pick it up and use the credit cards , which would direct the police to black people , instilling more fear into white people . Then we drove around , just kept driving around , ended up at the ranch , but the idea was Charlie had wanted Clem and Linda and me to go to another house and we would do two simultaneously , in one night , to instill fear into white men . PAUL CARUSO : Charlie colored ? SUSAN ATKINS : On the drive back , I believe he mentioned the house next door was the house where we took the acid trip . That 's all I can recall . I don 't remember what I told you yesterday . RICHARD CABALLERO : That 's what you told me yesterday . You said that you knew the area and he said that 's the house where we had taken an acid trip , including yourself , that you hadn 't recalled exactly , but indicated you had been there . Is that correct ? RICHARD CABALLERO : Let me refresh your mind . You gave me an answer yesterday when I asked you why would you pick that house . And I asked you did you know any of the people around there ? SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said they got into the house and they took the woman into the bedroom - Leslie and Katie took her into the bedroom - or something and tied her up and put her on the bed and put a bag or a cloth over her head and proceeded to talk to her how everything was going to be okay , she wasn 't going to be hurt , it was all going to be all right . Katie told me she knew she was talking to herself , not to the woman , just to reassure herself , that everything was okay , all perfect , was going to be good , while Tex was in ing room with the man . She said the woman heard her man , her husband being killed , and she panicked , started fighting , knocked over her lamp and fought and screamed , " What are you my husband , what are you doing to my husband , " and all time Katie was stabbing her and Leslie was trying to hold her and Katie just kept stabbing her . I forget how many times she said she stabbed her . I don 't even think she knows . Up until the time she was dead , the woman kept saying , " What are you doing to my husband ? " and Katie told me that 's what the woman was going to live with , that 's the thought she 's going to carry through infinity . And I said , " Yes , you 're right there . " She said after they were through they went in and wiped off all the fingerprints , at least that 's what she said they did . Wrote helter - skelter on the refrigerator , " Death To All Pigs " or something to that effect on the door , in the corner of the living room in the people 's blood . Then went over and took showers in the people 's house , changed their clothes , went into the refrigerator and had something to eat , she saw a fork - I can 't remember whether she said it was a kitchen fork or one of those long forks - SUSAN ATKINS : Carving fork . She said she just saw it and she flashed who , that will scare somebody and she picked the fork up and went over and left the fork in the man 's stomach . She said she reached over at it , took it , hit it and just sat and watched ; she watched it wobble and said she was fascinated by it . She said Tex had carved " Pig " in the man 's chest . RICHARD CABALLERO : Did you , in the conversation as you recollect it , do you know if it was - do you have a picture of a spreading of blood or of a carving into the body ? What ? Something just written on him , scratched into him or carved into him - that 's what I want to know . SUSAN ATKINS : She said " carved " . And she said it was almost dawn but they got out of the house and creepy - crawled - SUSAN ATKINS : He went in and told the man , here 's what he related to me , he said , " I 'm not here to hurt you . Just be calm , it 'll be okay . Just sit down and be still . " He tied them up with pieces of leather he wore around his neck and he came and got Tex and Leslie . RICHARD CABALLERO : With leather Charlie wore around his neck ? Is that what he tied them up with ? When he told you , when he related that to you , that this is what he did , how he told the man to be quiet and I 'm not going to hurt you , and tied them with leather , who was present ? SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , and he told Tex , he said , " Now , the last time you blew it . You panicked the people . He said " don 't panic the people , let them think it 's going to be okay so they 'll at least go in peace . " SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said Clem - Leslie did it . And I think Tex wrote because it was up high . I don 't know for sure whether Tex die it or not . PAUL CARUSO : Down to the waist ? SUSAN ATKINS : Almost . About the middle of her back and it just covers her whole head . She 's got blue eyes , pretty blue eyes , very attractive , large ears and she says they 're big so I can keep my hair behind my ears , and she has hair , prominent , growing down around her neck , through the chest area , very hairy arms and legs , very graceful . SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said she had some children and that the children would probably be over on Sunday . Katie didn 't say that she heard this from the woman , but just from the type of people that the daughters or sons would probably be over for Sunday dinner and find their bodies and blow their minds . PAUL CARUSO : Did you ever read in the paper about the LaBianca murder ? SUSAN ATKINS : I was tired of listening to the news . All I heard on the news was Tate , Tate , Tate . I just shut it off . RICHARD CABALLERO : Now you must be getting hungry . We 'll make arrangements about getting something to eat and then we 'll talk about the Hinman matter , which is the one you are currently charged with in Santa Monica . Now I told you when you came in today that I heard they were going to file murder complaints against you and all of the others , that everybody is in custody . Do you know that ? RICHARD CABALLERO : No . I 'm talking about those involved , in these matters that we 've been discussing . Everyone is in custody , including yourself . Hopefully , we will be able to prepare a defense , as you have already honestly indicated to me that you were mesmerized by this Svengali - type individual , Charlie , and we are going to have to try to put our best foot forward , to try and convince everybody , maybe even the Grand Jury , because in the final analysis , if we can convince them it will be to your benefit . That 's all we 're concerned with , is your benefit . Okay , now we 've got to get you something to eat , including some ice cream . |
Mini Camp NaNo update Alright , who 's been messing with my calendar … and apple clock … and Greenwich Mean Time ? It can 't really have been two weeks since my last NaNo update , can it ? This is all one big April Fools conspiracy … This month of April has remained impossible to pin down for writing purposes . But I 'm still not totally despondent about it . Why ? Because there are some big positives to mention from the past two weeks : I 've gone from 0 words to 7 , 350 . That 's actually a fairly good chunk out of my goal of a meagre 25 , 000 words , and technically , finishing is still doable by the end of the month . But I 've just about nearly come to the conclusion that using the remaining days to carefully plot out my novel so it 's spiffingly ready for May will ultimately prove more beneficial than just hashing out words now … though I 'm still tempted . I 'm going where I 've never gone before as a writer & making a scene - by - scene SPREADSHEET ! ! ! ! I never thought the day would come ! But I must say , throwing my tangled thoughts into a table to sort out is much easier than trying to rearrange them into some sort of order in my head , or even on multiple sheets of paper . So I 'm trying it . Stay tuned for conclusions to this experiment . I got to meet up for a juice with THE Abi Elphinstone ( authour of the Dreamsnatcher series ) . She was brilliantly encouraging , inspiring & just down right nice , & I came away from our meet - up with renewed determination to keep pressing forward with this crazy dream of mine . * * If you are American or otherwise not British & are not yet familiar with Abi 's books , look her up here : http : / / www . abielphinstone . com & get ahold of them by any means possible ( except piracy ! ) So lots to be thankful for this month , even if things haven 't gone all to plan . And I 'm still loving my baby dragon of a story as it grows , little by little each day . Now it 's back to plugging away into my spreadsheet ! Any tips ? I 'd love to hear them ! Amelia Jane is twelve years old and comes from the USA , though she currently lives in the lush green hills of Asturias , Spain . When she isn 't using her imagination to write fantastic stories , you can find Amelia up a tree , filling her wildlife notebook with notes & photos , doing ballet , volleyball & karate , and going on all sorts of adventures with her 4 younger siblings ( & sometimes mom & dad too ) . Gretel and Hansel Gretel was six and Hansel was ten . The brother and sister lived in New York City with their foster parents in a nice blue house in a quiet neighborhood . They liked their home and school , and they were happy and well cared for , but lately their foster parents seemed worried and stressed . One night as the children were laying in their bunk - beds , they heard murmuring . Gretel turned to her brother sadly … " What about us ? " She asked … " They 're going to put us back in a group home , and we will be separated again ! " She was close to tears . Hansel thought for a moment then spoke slowly . " We won 't be separated again . We can run away . Let 's pack up some food and we can go live in Central Park . If that doesn 't work out we will find somewhere else . ' Just as he finished saying this , the door flew open . With one more hug the grown - ups were off to bed and the children went to theirs . The next day Hansel got the two hunks of break , several sandwiches , cookies , and a bottle of water and packed them into his backpack . Gretel packed only the essentials ; her shiny sequin shirt , fluffy pink socks , and her favorite stuffed duck . Then they both set off to school . Only instead of going to school they went to the train station . Hansel bought two tickets with the change he had brought and they boarded the train bound for Central Park . Finally , they arrived and got off the train . It was afternoon , and they walked through the garden paths until Hansel said it was a good time for lunch . Unfortunately , the sandwiches had gotten squashed . " Well , hello there ! " she called . She threw it a crumb of her bread and the pigeon ate it up , coming closer for more . " No more " she said , as she put the rest of the bread back in the bag and placed it on the bench beside her to save for later . The she and Hansel went to look around a bit . Central Park was beautiful in the summer , and there was much to see . When they came back the bread was gone ! Pigeons flocked around the bench . ' Don 't worry , " said Hansel , " we 'll find other food , now come on , let 's find some place to sleep . It 's getting late . " They walked through the park back to where they thought the path should be , but they couldn 't find it . The sun was sinking down in the sky , and it was getting harder to see . " We are lost … " moaned Gretel . After a bit they came out to a street . Their eyes were drawn to a brown house with gingerbread trim . It had big planters in the front with colorful pansies that looked like pin - wheel lolly - pops . The roof shingles looked like vanilla wafers and the railings just might be chocolate covered pretzels . The door was a bright licorice red . The house stood out amongst the drab gray houses around it . The red door opened . A woman with a big bumpy nose and a black dress peered out . " What are you kids doing out here at this time of night ? It 's not safe , " she asked as she looked at them closely . " Come in and I 'll give you something to eat , " she said in a much softer tone . The children shook their heads . They knew better than to trust adults , especially strangers . But they were hungry . " Look , " she whispered to her brother , " there are bars on the windows . " Hansel looked . There were . A white cat ran across the floor . The lady stirred up the fire , looking at them from the corner of her eye . " Let 's get out of here ! " Gretel begged her brother . " I bet she 's a witch ! " They edged towards the door , and Hansel slowly reached out to turn the handle . It was locked . The lady walked into the kitchen and they heard her talking on the phone . She returned with black and brown cat in her arms . Gretel started to cry . " Goodness no ! " laughed the lady . Then she explained that she had called the police in case they were searching for the children , which they had been . The police were on their way now to bring the children back home . Hansel and Gretel were a little worried that they wouldn 't be welcome . Would their parents be angry with them ? Would they still want them ? " We thought you didn 't want us anymore , " Hansel answered . " We heard you talking about losing your job and expecting a baby . We thought you wouldn 't keep us , and we didn 't want to go back to a group home . " The adults knelt down beside them . " We love you like our own , and even if money is tight , we will stick together as a family . We will have a baby coming soon , and we hope that you will consider this baby as your own brother or sister , ' their mother said . Their father nodded in agreement . They got pulled into a big hug that lasted a long time . So , it turns out that the nice lady who was NOT a witch found a job opening in her gardening business for their father . He designed many more gardens that looked like candy . Hansel and Gretel loved playing with their new baby sister . SO , in the end , they all lived …… April 18 , 2017 0 NaNoWriMo Camp Update Morning and happy Easter ( a day early ) ! Can you believe we are halfway through April ? ! It feels like just yesterday it was New Years … How is everyone 's years going ? Sticking with your resolutions or did they fall away ? Me , I was doing okay . Then Spring happened which translates to kidding season with my goats . Baby goats EVERYWHERE ! ! I 'm having a lot of fun , but it is a lot of work at the moment . And when I 'm not working , I don 't really want to work more by writing . So I have been very bad and watching anime instead , specifically Inuyasha . I do not regret this . Okay , maybe a little . That said , we are entering the last half of April , so time for the procrastinator in me to rise and get in gear . I 've only added about 1000 words to the manuscript I picked for NaNoWriMo Camp , still 49K to go . Can I do it ? No clue . But I figure any writing is better than no writing ! Well , that 's my update . It 's 7 : 00 AM here in Georgia , time for me to head to the barn for the morning milking , then I want a nap ! Er , I meant I 'm going to sit and write . Right ? " Loonyloonyvish " is a writer & the author of idlejabber . wordpress . com . She loves reading , especially fantasy , but is less than keen on romance . Besides describing herself as a Potterhead , she is fond of Hollywood movies and Superheroes , as well as food and tea . When not writing / blogging , she keeps herself company by talking to herself ( but of course she isn 't mad ! ) . In conversation with Rapunzel It happened some four years ago . I was a reporter with the - - magazine . When I joined , I had been warned that the editor was a bit eccentric but when I met him , I realised that calling him that would be a bit of an understatement . He would shuffle about wearing pink suits and a yellow spotted tie , his nails painted blue , hair a deep shade of green . But this story isn 't about him , or me either ; it is about a task he set us . He was quite fascinated by those princesses of old ; they had provided him with quite a lot of material for the magazine when they were young . " The case of the missing shoe " , " Beware of poisonous apples " , " Frogs are good kissers indeed : a new revelation " , etc . But he wasn 't satisfied with all the happy endings . He believed that the public would want to know what happened to them now that they are old and no longer trending . So we were assigned the task of looking for those royalties which was not an easy task given that most of the places they used to frequent are now government property . So , by the end of the month , I was the only one without a story . I was quite desperate and understandably so . Most of the people on my survey list were either frauds or had severe cases of hallucinations . I could have interviewed them and got it over with but the real princess ( if alive ) would have sued me for publishing the wrong story . I mean , there was an old woman pretending to be " The Belle " . As a matter of fact , her husband was a passable beast but she was no beauty . So I continued my search for the real princess but in vain , that is , until a few days before the deadline . A few of my trustworthy sources revealed that in a town in the valley ( whose name I won 't disclose for protection of her privacy ) , lives a lady whom the townspeople believe to be the real Rapunzel . I was quite unsure but decided to give it a try . If she was who she claimed to be , I could as well save my job . The valley was quite beautiful : no wonder she chose to stay here . Just to make sure , I asked a particularly old goldsmith ( who turned out to be her friend ) about how long she had stayed here . He said that she had moved here some 57 years back which is roughly the number of years that have passed since Rapunzel had been rescued by the prince . Satisfied , I headed towards her house which was at the edge of the town , just where the mountains began . I knocked on the wooden door which was presently opened by a sweet old woman in a lavender night gown . Although her face was wrinkled , her hair was the colour of gold , only shorter than the story goes . I thought that she was yet another fraud and that I could very well give up the dream of becoming a popular journalist . I must have been staring for she raised an eyebrow questioningly . I didn 't want to offend her so I stated the particulars of my business here and asked her if she knew some Rapunzel . The room was sparsely furnished and airy , the smell of freshly cut grass wafting in through the open window . She bade me sit down on a stool by the dining table which was covered in a patchwork table - cloth . Meanwhile , she disappeared behind a curtained passageway and returned bearing a tray full of tea and gingerbread - men . " Ah men ! They are a peculiar lot . Not all of them but all the ones I encountered surely were . Take my father now . He agreed to hand me over to the witch without hesitation . And my saviour , huh ! I shouldn 't even call him that . He just made my life all the more miserable . " " But he was a prince and a rich one at that . Didn 't he take you to his palace and make you his queen ? " I asked , intrigued . " I did run away with him but he turned out to be a peasant without land of his own . When he had rescued me , he had dressed up a prince for a local parade , and I had believed him to be one ! Those people who wanted something to gossip about , made up a story of a long haired princess being saved by a valiant prince and their living happily ever after . But no one bothered to check on us after the talks died down and so I had to carry the bulk of my hair everywhere until we stumbled upon a tumbledown cottage which was to be our temporary retreat . He was so poor that he could not even afford to buy a comb ! " She sipped at her tea a while , then continued , " I hated him . You see , when I had lived in the tower , the witch had given me all I needed but with him , I starved . So I sent him out to look for a job . " It so happened that while roaming in the streets of a nearby town he came across a tavern and stopped there for a drink . There he heard the story of a poor girl who had been locked up due to her father 's unbelievable claims and had been asked to spin gold from straw if she wanted to see the light of another day . So my fool of a husband decided to visit her and get some gold for himself . When he sneaked into the room , he found that she could do no such thing and she would be executed the first thing in the morning . " Now however guileless my husband is , I must say that he has got cunning . He exchanged all the straw for a portion of my hair which the king took for golden threads . He was awarded a ring by that girl along with all the straw in the room which he brought home . " " Well , of course it is him . How else would all that straw turn into gold if my hair was not used ? What do you think , some fairy godmother helped her ? " " The king must have rewarded her probably , I don 't care . My husband got the straw home , all right , but he lost the ring . He lost the damn ring ! " she cried in exasperation . " What a husband I have got ! I really preferred the old hag over him . What was I supposed to do with the straw ? So I sent him out again because we had nothing to eat . Well , he set out and did not return for three whole days until life was slowly ebbing out of me . And what does that fool bring me ? Nothing but a bagful of beans . " It so happened that on the second night of his travels , he had come across a monastery . As it was snowing outside , he sought refuge in there . And that is where he chanced upon a few monks talking about a few magical beans which , when planted , would sprout out a huge beanstalk leading straight to the land of giants . Whoever 's heard of such gibberish ? " she spat . " Well , even my beloved did not fall for that and brought them home . I thought I should cook the beans lest we wanted to survive the winter on stale bread . . " " Wait … what ! You couldn 't have cooked them ! That was a grave mistake ! " I told her . Now where would Jack get his beans from ? " You 're right in saying that , my dear . They tasted like a horrible mixture of . . of spinach and shrimp flavoured porridge ! So I filled a bag with the remainder of the beans and sent my husband out again . " Here she coughed a bit and adjusted her lopsided spectacles . She is quite an amiable lady now that she is old but I really pity her poor husband . I bet there isn 't a single person out there who has been thrown out of the house these many times . She continued with a smile , " He must not have gone too far when he met a boy called Jack who did not surpass him in wits . He persuaded him to trade his cow in exchange of those apparently magical beans , and he readily agreed . He actually bought the tale ! He must have got a good spanking when he reached home . " It went alright for another few days but you can 't survive solely on cow 's milk , right ? And then my hubby dear heard about that gold spinning girl 's plight and went off to do some good . He had planned to exchange my hair for some gold but when he heard that she was to marry the king , he asked for her first child instead . " I didn 't think it was a good plan until he explained that the child could be used to extract money from the king . I must admit it was quite clever of him but then , when the child was finally born and he found that queen - girl in tears , he offered a bargain . If she could guess his name in three days , she could keep the child . True , he doesn 't have a particularly common name but then only a fool would take such chances . " My hopes did go up when even on the second night that stupid queen could not guess his name . Only a day was left and there were thousands of names left in the world . I 'd heard that the queen had sent spies everywhere to intercept him and I did warn him but he had to go to the tavern and get drunk ! Now , he is not particularly sane even when he hasn 't touched his drinks so it was not very surprising to hear the next day that he had been singing and shouting out his name for the world to hear . " She snorted . " Um … nothing much . He was too ashamed to come home so he went off someplace else . Good riddance , I 'd thought . I would be much better off without him to look after . But a few days later some soldiers arrived on my doorstep with my husband in their hold . His clothes were torn and he had a blackened eye . I think it was his left eye . The soldiers told me that he had ventured into their lands and had heard the news of their princess 's 100 year sleep from which she could be wakened only by a true love 's kiss . And what does my husband do ? He sneaks into her bedroom and kisses her . What 's more , she indeed wakes up ! " I smiled at her . I desperately wanted to meet her husband now . The first hand version of his tale would sell greatly . So I asked her about him . Upon my incredulous questions , she nervously smiled and said , " Oh … well he was … uh embarrassing and you couldn 't expect decent married men to go about ogling other women , let alone kissing them . So I poked his eyes out . If he won 't have eyes for me , he will not see any other woman either . " " But this does not mean I killed him , right ? " She twirled a lock of her beautiful hair and looked at me expectantly . " All the same , you mustn 't tell the authorities . You wouldn 't want to ruin the last few years of my life , would you ? " I looked at her awhile , ruminating over the numerous times she had turned her husband out of the house and how he had lost his life to her . If this didn 't work with the public , I do not know what else will . " No , " I replied . " The authorities won 't hear about it but only if you lend me your story . " I looked at the troubled face of that much hyped about lady and added , " The more uncomfortable parts will be left out , of course . " And so , I saved my job and wrote a marvellous article which pushed me up the ladder to fame and fortune . Rapunzel got to keep her secrets until her death a few days back which provided me an opportunity to relate the few interesting titbits which I had discreetly left out earlier , hence trending more than our beloved heroine . And the old lady has also left in me a permanent impression of the nature of wives chosen in a hurry . I support her advice 100 % - if you 're ever going to achieve those goals , you 've got to take responsibility for them & carve out the time to let the magic ( aka . countless hours of hard work ) happen . 100 % essential . 100 % true . Sometimes things come up in life that you simply can 't , or shouldn 't , say ' no ' to . When you weigh them up even to the importance of sticking to your goal , they win out in importance . I 'm talking about REALLY big stuff , like when you lose someone close to you & you need to be there for the friends & family who are grieving … or when a close friend invites you to her wedding in a far - off destination … or when family in another continent suddenly surprise you with a visit … or when a family member is at wit 's end & really needs you to step in & lend a hand with her kids . Writing books is what I want to do with my life . But it isn 't & never will be the end - all of what my life consists of . More important than my career & passions are the people who bless my life . While I may often have to say no & dissapoint them for the sake of meeting a deadline , I never want to sacrifice my relationships to my writing . This Camp NaNo has taught me to prioritise , to realise that I 've got to work for your goals , but I 've got to live for more than achieving them . Namely , when real needs arise , you 've got to put the people in your life first . And ultimately , that 's living , and what do we write about if not life ? The other lesson I 've learned ( for the umteenth time ) this NaNo is not to give up when you hit hurdles in the road . Having made peace with not achieving my original goal this month , we are yet only 1 week in ! I can still re - caliber my expectations and work towards a new , trimmed - down goal ( that 's one of the joys of Camp NaNo . . you can revise your goal up to the midpoint of the month ! ) . I 'll let you know how that 's going in a couple weeks ' time ! Meanwhile , check in next Friday to hear about Bri 's Camp NaNo experience so far … April 7 , 2017 0 April Greetings ! Happy April ! Has spring come to everyone ? We are very green and have had some fun ( and scary ) storms . So it 's one in the morning here in Georgia . Why am I up late ? Because there is a Camp NaNoWriMo going on , and I am determined to write at least a little every day , even if it 's just a couple hundred words . Mez is also joining me at camp , so wish us luck ! Fortunately for us , we held a Fairy Tale Competition last month , and to help us out with the blog , we will be posting our top four reimagined fairy tales each Monday , and a quick how we are doing on Friday . Thanks to everyone who participated ! ! So here is out first one , a reimagining of Goldilocks by Alex Thaxton ! Once upon a time , in a land very far away , there lived a young girl with beautiful golden hair … Stop me if you 've heard this one before . I 'm sure you have , in some way or another , but I 'm not here to tell you that she was eaten when the bears suddenly came home to find her snoring in one of their beds , or to tell you that she lived happily ever after ; this is the real story . You see , Goldilocks ( for that was the name of the young girl ) was my best friend . We did everything together - rode our ponies , went to school , window shopped in our little village , and went on walks through the woods . It was on one of these such walks that the incident occurred . While humming and skipping along , we came across a house in the woods which we had never happened upon before . Our parents had taught us not to speak to strangers , but they had also always encouraged us to be polite , so we decided we should try to say hello to the inhabitants . After walking all the way around the house , we still couldn 't find anyone nearby . I tried to convince Goldilocks that we should be on our way , but she wouldn 't listen . She always was a stubborn girl . " Why are you whispering ? There 's no one home . Let 's just explore the place ! Look over here … there are three different - sized chairs . That seems strange - so mismatched … " she muttered as she marched herself right over to the largest of the chairs . " Here , give me a boost . " I gave her a boost into the giant chair . It was large enough for her to lay down without any of her body hanging off of it . She stood on the edge of it and looked down at me , pouting . " I think you should stay . We could both fit up here . Come on , take my hand , " she said as she knelt down and stretched out her hand . " " Fiiiiiine . But then I 'm going home . " I had to climb the leg of the chair as though it were a small - ish tree until I could reach her hand . She helped me the rest of the way up . " Wow , this is an even bigger chair than I thought . " " See ! It 's so fun . But I also want a chair that 's not so hard to get into . Let 's climb down , then try the medium - sized chair . " " Ok … but I still think that one will be too big . You try that one , and I 'll try the smaller one . And then , for real , I 'm going home . " She hoisted herself into the medium - sized chair , and I sat in the little one with ease . " This one is just right , " I said . " Maybe a little bit too wide for me , but at least I didn 't have to climb into it ! " " Mmmm , it looks like porridge . I love porridge … especially after all the climbing I 've just done . " The steaming bowl was , of course , too hot for her to try . The second bowl she came to had apparently been sitting out for a while . She dipped her finger into it , pulled out a glob of porridge , and tasted it . " Well , it 's tasty , almost like they added cinnamon to it , just like I always do … but this one is cold . " " Hold your horses ! There 's one more bowl up here , and I 'm hungry . I just want to try it , then we can leave . " She moved to the next bowl . Just as she had done with the previous bowl , she dunked her finger into this one , pulled it out , and tasted the porridge . " Oh , this one is just right ! And it tastes like cinnamon too ! " To my disgust , Goldi began to use her entire hand to eat the porridge . She started off slowly , but then a sort of frenzy took over , and she was nearly shoveling it in , until the whole bowl was empty - at which point , she licked the bowl clean , then licked what was left of the porridge off of her hands and arms . " Stop trying to be such a grown - up . " Goldi then climbed back down onto a chair , and down to the floor . Then , in spite of my objections , she seemed to sort of float towards the back of the house - away from the door we came through . I tried to grab her arm and pull her back towards the door , but she didn 't even seem to feel it . She had suddenly grown very strong … and if I remember correctly , her arm felt bigger than normal . " Leave me alone , " she grumbled ( or was it more of a growl ? ) at me . " I 'm going to take a nap , and I don 't care what you say . Go home . I 'll be fine . " She entered a room with three different beds in it - one giant , one just a little too big , and one that seemed like it was somewhere in between . With the hand that I wasn 't pulling , she felt each bed , but settled for the smallest of the three . The first was much too soft , the second was too hard , but the third was , apparently , just right . I tugged on her arm one more time as hard as I could , but to no avail . I didn 't know what to do . I knew our parents would be looking for us soon , and who knew when the owners of the house would return … but as my brain fired off different scenarios , something started to happen . The golden hair that she was known for seemed to be growing in soft curls on her face , neck , and arms ( at least , that was all that I could see since she was under a blanket ) . It stopped growing once it reached about two inches thick , but the only " normal " thing that was still visible were Goldi 's eyes . Then , her eyes started to change too . They grew farther apart , and became more round . I was slowly backing away , out of the room , when I noticed that she was growing ears - and not human ones . These were round and fuzzy , and more on top of her head than human ears . Snap ! I heard a twig break outside the window . " Oh no , they must be back ! What do I do now ? " I barely had time to recognize that I had just spoken aloud to myself , when Goldi 's hands shifted on top of the blanket . Only , they weren 't Goldi 's hands anymore . They were the hands ( well , the paws ) of a bear ! It was all I could do not to scream . I knew then that the house must 've belonged to bears , and that there had to have been something strange in the porridge that Goldi ate . I heard the front door creak open , and voices coming through - one very low and gruff , one that kind of sounded like honey ( if honey could make a sound ) , and the third was somewhere in between . I hid under the bed that my friend was sleeping on . I couldn 't just leave her there - I had to make sure she would be okay . I peeked my head out from under the bed . " Umm , excuse me , " I said nervously . " My friend and I wandered in here , and she ate a whole bowl of porridge , even though I tried to stop her , and then , she , umm , turned into a bear ? I don 't know what to do . Please don 't be mad . " The giant Papa Bear turned and stomped out of the room . The Mama Bear came toward the bed . In her honey - like voice , she began to tell me a sad story about how they , too , used to be humans . An evil witch had played a trick on them and given them some cinnamon to use in their favorite meal : porridge . Years ago , they used it , and the same thing happened to them as happened to Goldilocks . She explained that the only reason they still used the cinnamon was that it tasted so good , and that they assumed they were the only ones who would be eating it , so it wasn 't doing anyone any harm . She promised they would look after my friend , if I would promise to one day catch the evil witch and bring her to justice . Mama Bear knew that no one would listen to a family of bears . BUT , Mama Bear did tell me that I shouldn 't tell the real story until the witch was finally caught , or she might come after me . So I came up with the lie to tell Goldilocks ' parents - that she was eaten by bears in the woods , and that I barely escaped with my life . Now , however , after years of searching and spreading that lie , I am able to come clean . I am happy to report that the evil witch was indeed found , put to trial , and condemned to a life sentence of scrubbing out bowls of old porridge . And she did not live happily ever after . April 4 , 2017 3 Authors bristox17In The Beginning There Was A Goat Named BlueCheck This Out ! ! The Mystery Blogger AwardAnd Now for Bri 's Perfect StoryMy Favorite Author mez _ blumeA Time to Create . A Time to Critique . ( are you putting a cork in your creative flow ? ) The Art of Asking : putting the Quest back in QuestionThe Art of Observation : how to seek & find creative inspiration4 questions to determine whether you 're feeding or starving your Creative energyDon 't wait for " Someday " to start writing Blog at WordPress . com . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : Going home sucked . Especially when it 's for work . Spencer now has to go home to Las Vegas to hunt a killer killing teens at his old high school . The school is filled with old teachers he disliked , new teachers that bullied him , and the lead detective on the case was his chief tormentor . Going home just sucked . Walking into a dark bedroom didn 't shock Aaron anymore . Instead , he just shut the door behind him and started to strip out of his running clothes . He 'd not been able to run that morning due to a thunderstorm , and by the end of the day he 'd been itching for it , so he 'd done it after getting home . Spencer had gone home early to spend the afternoon with Jack . Aaron was still getting used to the neighborhood . While he didn 't have the senses that Spencer did , he was able to find the hamper in complete darkness due to his memory of the layout of the room . Spencer had spent the past few weeks adjusting to darkness . His fear of the dark was something that he felt he needed to conquer , and Aaron supported him even if he didn 't understand it . The local Sentinel and Guide pride had tried to bring him in for training , but Spencer kept pushing them off , and Aaron supported him in it as well . Spencer was doing fine on his own , he wasn 't having zone outs , even if that shocked the hell out of the Sentinels and Guides in the area . His only zone outs had been before he 'd come online . Spencer himself theorized that it was because of how long he was slowly coming online . That his body adjusted in a more natural way , closer what it had been like for the first Sentinels that manifested . He followed his instincts and Aaron was okay with that . Aaron knew that Spencer was in the room somewhere . He could find him with his own extra senses , but didn 't , allowing the thought of being watched send excitement through his body . He tried to listen for breathing , but there was no sound of it anywhere . His Sentinel hadn 't been anywhere else in the house , and if he 'd left , he 'd have left a note . He decided to turn on a light , reaching for the lamp on Spencer 's side of the bed . His fingers brushed the shade on the lamp and something grabbed him . He was pulled just a few more half steps closer to the bed and a tongue licked at the skin around his navel . Spencer had been sitting on the bed watching him . " You showered before you left the office . You showered there , and then changed into your running gear , and took off on a run as soon as you got home . " Spencer 's voice was rough with arousal . Aaron felt more than heard the intake of breath that told him that Spencer was scenting him . Aaron hardened the rest of way . " You smell wonderful . " " Just - just for you , " Aaron said as he grabbed Spencer hair to try and direct him down to his cock . This was the time that he was happy that Spencer didn 't go for formal training . Being told what he should want from his Guide instead of just wanting what he wanted from Aaron . Spencer adored him right after a run . The first time he 'd run during their days off to get adjusted to being bonded , Spence had fucked him until they both passed out . Spencer fought the hold he had in his hair , his tongue dipping inside his navel before dragging up his chest , licking the sweat off of his body . It paused long enough to lick at his nipple before moving to the pulse point on his neck . Teeth scraped at his shoulder and hardness was pressed against his own . Spencer was trying to tempt him to be the one to give in and move for the kiss . It was a game to them , and today it was a game Aaron wanted to win . Hands grabbed his upper arms and then slowly trailed down , ghosting fingertips on his skin . When his hands were reached , they were grasped quickly and then let go . The hands settled quickly on his ass , grabbing his cheeks , pulling him in tighter to his Sentinel 's body . Too quickly as Aaron 's weight shifted and they fell onto the bed . It was so dark that Aaron couldn 't see a thing , he couldn 't read Spencer 's face . " What do you want , Sentinel ? " Aaron asked as he trailed his lips around the outer shell of Spencer 's ear . Spencer spread his legs , dropping Aaron into the V of them . Aaron shivered and reach for the lube that was kept on the little shelf under his nightstand . They had tried to keep it in the drawer , but Spencer kept pulling it off the tracks , too worked up so they kept it there . Jack never noticed it , and it was hidden from view unless one was right at the bedside . He slicked up his cock and slid a single finger inside Spencer . The younger man thrust down onto that finger and squeezed him tight . " You 've gotta let me go if you want me in you , Spence . " Aaron chuckled as Spencer let him go . He grabbed the towel on the floor , by feel more than sight . Spencer always put a hand towel there during sex . He wiped his hand on it . The thrill of fucking in total darkness was exciting . Especially since Spencer could see him . " Ready ? " " Yes . " Spencer trailed his hands up Aaron 's back , settling one on his head and gripping his hair , while the other gripped his arm . Aaron shifted to where he could slide inside Spencer and not get too far away from him . It had taken him awhile to get to where he would have sex with Spencer the way he wanted . He didn 't like the thought of hurting him , and even if he knew that he wasn 't hurting him , the thought that he might , stopped him . So it was saved for after runs . Spencer was tight , Aaron could never believe how tight he was , every single time that they had sex . Spencer moaned as Aaron bottomed out inside of him . Aaron wanted to see him , wanted to see that look on his face . That look was the reason that he did this . The look of wonder as Aaron slid inside of him . He 'd expected it to be different , after Spencer had come online . Because he was afraid , Aaron had spent a week and a half denying the urge that he had to fuck him . He 'd allowed Spencer to take the reins each time . Until the time that Spencer took it out of his hands after preparing himself and holding Aaron down while he slid down his cock . The same look had fallen over his face as he 'd been filled up , and Aaron stopped fighting him in that second , helping to pull him down those last few inches . " Move , " Spencer demanded and Aaron started to . He pulled back enough to thrust inside him as hard as he could , Spencer dragged his mouth down into a kiss , unerring in finding his lips . Aaron chuckled as Spencer 's tongue wormed into the space between his lips , into his mouth . He sucked on Spencer 's tongue as he settled into a hard and fast pace . He pushed down on Spencer 's legs , folding him nearly in half . He braced an arm on the bed to keep from falling . Spencer broke the kiss and moved down to his neck , licking . The taste of him was erotic to Spencer and Aaron couldn 't understand it . With his heightened senses , the taste and smell of him should have been too much after a run , but it wasn 't . Aaron was worked up from the thrill of basically blind sex and it didn 't take him long to tip over that edge . Spencer shifted to wrap his legs around his back , holding him in place as he shot inside of him . It was the quickest he 'd orgasmed since that first week after they had bonded . " My turn , " Spencer said and rolled them on the bed . Aaron felt himself slip from inside him . Before he could even get in a breath , Spencer had a hold of his hands , trapping them to the bed in one of his own , his arm straight and Aaron knew that he couldn 't break the hold . His preternatural strength was a shock even to Aaron . Aaron didn 't know what to expect but nothing was not it . Spencer shifted his body down a little , Aaron 's cock slipping from inside him with ease . The hand pressed his hands down into the pillow even more , and Aaron groaned when something brushed the head of his very sensitive cock . He tried to shift so that Spencer wasn 't able to do that anymore , but he couldn 't . With Spencer 's legs holding his hips trapped and his hands being held down , Aaron was trapped . Spencer 's face buried itself in his neck and he inhaled , the draw of air over his still sweat slicked skin had him shivering again . When his hands were released , Aaron reached out for Spencer 's head trying to use it to track him . He grasped hair at the same time that his nipple was enveloped by a warm mouth . Spencer mapped out his chest again with tongue , slipping lower but never going below his navel . He groaned as that tongue slipped down into it . He 'd never known that his navel was one of his most erogenous zones on his body . He curled up , pressing Spencer 's mouth harder to his skin just as he heard the groan that told him that Spencer had come . Seconds later , Aaron was pressed back down and Spencer was along the side of his body like a furnace . He knew that they needed to get up and at least rag clean up and change the sheets before they fell asleep , but he didn 't want to move , he didn 't want to get up at all . Instead he rolled to his side and wrapped his arms around Spencer . " I - " Spencer stopped talking as the ringer on Aaron 's phone went off at the same time that a text beeped on Spencer 's telling them that it was a case . Aaron rolled over and dug his phone out of the pocket on his running shorts . Spencer 's was somewhere on his side of the bed . " Teenagers , all killed in Las Vegas . At Las Vegas High School . I have the jet being prepped and Anderson is running the files . I 'm having the team meet at the jet . " " How many dead ? " Spencer asked . The bed shifted and Aaron was braced for the lights to come on in the room . Spencer was up and into the bathroom before Aaron could even process what he was doing . He came back out with Aaron and his kits , tossing them towards where their bags were on top of a low dresser . " At current , five . There were two deaths that were classified as suicides , but once the third teen popped up on the murdered list , the previous cases were reopened , and there is just enough evidence that they truly think all the teens were murdered instead . I have all five case files printed for you , Boy Genius . " " Start showering while I call Jessica , " Spencer said and Aaron nodded and agreed . Before he could even get up off the bed , a text arrived on his phone . He looked at it and then smiled . " Cancel the call to Jessica . Will and JJ along with Henry are on their way here . We are going to carpool and Will is on kid duty , " Aaron said loud enough for Spencer to hear from the bathroom . " Then get in here and start the shower . " Spencer walked back out of the bathroom with what looked like a pair of headphones in his hand and an MP3 player . He hadn 't used it since he 'd got his senses under control . " LVHS is where I graduated , Aaron . The station that is located in the area that feeds the school will probably have at least one person that I graduated with . If you want me to work on the geographic profile and not put my senses to zero , I 'm going to need this . " Aaron just frowned at him , but Spencer didn 't say anything . Aaron wasn 't really looking forward to the case . He never did when kids were involved but this was Spencer 's first trip home since he 'd come online . Aaron had tried to get him to go to visit his mother , but the genius had put him off . Maybe now he 'd find out why . The jet landed and Aaron found himself nervous . He knew that part of it was from Spencer . Spencer was nervous . It was an emotion that he 'd never felt from his Sentinel before . He debated pulling Spencer off the case for all of two seconds . They needed him for if nothing more than the knowledge he had of the area . He 'd keep his Sentinel at the station , and Spencer wouldn 't fight him . Their roles as Sentinel and Guide only interfered in cases when Aaron wanted to do something that Spencer found stupid . Spencer was driving the first SUV with Prentiss and JJ inside with him . Aaron was driving the second with Dave beside him and Morgan in the back . " I 'm not shocked . I 'll put a tighter lid on our feelings . " Aaron set about doing that before he 'd even stopped talking . He hadn 't been aware that he 'd had such a loose hold on their emotions . " Oh . That 's … " Moran snapped his mouth shut and sat back . Aaron looked at him in the rear view mirror . He knew something , but Aaron wasn 't going to ask him to tell . Not yet . He could keep Spencer 's secret unless it became an issue . Spencer made a turn and Aaron almost missed it . Aaron 's mouth dropped open as Spencer pulled into a parking lot , and on the other side was a football field , and on the other side of that was LVHS . He heard Morgan snort and say something , but didn 't fully understand it . " No . How do you want to do this , Hotch ? You know part of why we were given this case was that we are a bonded pair . They requested a Sentinel and Sentinels aren 't sent out on cases with kids unless bonded . " It was the way they ran things . Spencer never took over as team leader , he didn 't see a need of it as Aaron listened to him . Other Sentinels had trouble taking orders but not him . Spencer sighed and pulled out his phone . He looked at a text . " We 'll be crashing at a house a block over . A friend 's parents from my original grade in school are selling , and I asked if we could rent it for the case . It 's going it be cheaper than hotel rooms for us , and comes with housekeeper and chef . " " The bureau isn 't paying . I am . It 's set up for Sentinels already , and the parents were a bonded pair . Once I heard they were selling , I contacted them about buying . For when I come to visit . I would rather stay in a house , and my childhood home isn 't rated for me at all . I sold it at a good price and have put in a bid on this one . If I like , I 'll be laying down a deposit before we leave . " " JJ cancel the hotel and I 'll inform Strauss . The budget committee will be happy about this . " Aaron slipped out of the SUV and Spencer didn 't move . Instead , he leaned in and laid his forehead on Aaron 's and closed his eyes . The team was silent except for JJ who was canceling the rooms . They never interrupted the time that Spencer took to ground himself . Given that this was all it took , it was a simple procedure compared to other pairs . He felt Spencer pull back mentally before he did physically . " Ready ? " Aaron turned and started towards the doors of the station . Morgan and Prentiss were behind him , and Rossi and JJ were next . Spencer was last and he liked it that way . Aaron was allowed to not shake hands with people , given his bonded status , but he was used to it , and Spencer didn 't care either way . " Thank you for having us . Agents David Rossi , Derek Morgan , JJ Jareau , and Emily Prentiss . " Aaron was about to introduce him and Spencer when he felt a hand on his shoulder . and Spencer was there . Aaron paused , watching as Markus and Hillman 's eyes widened . " Chief Larson , I 'm Agent Doctor Sentinel Spencer Reid and this is my Guide , Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner . " Spencer stepped in front of Aaron so that he couldn 't offer his hand . Aaron didn 't say a thing . " Do you have a room for us to set up somewhere ? " " Back here . Miss Jareau sent a list of things you 'd need . We have them all in there , Sentinel Reid . " The chief motioned at a room and the entire team moved in front of Spencer into the room . Aaron let the other members go in first , Spencer stayed with the chief . " Reid , I 'm going to talk with the detectives , you talk with the chief ? " Aaron asked . Spencer nodded . " Detectives , you can help us learn the case . " " Harper 's brother ? " Moran asked Hillman . The look of shock on the man 's face told Aaron that it wasn 't a good thing , being Harper 's brother . " Detectives , I don 't want to hear freak used to describe my team member again . Surely , as a cop , you 've grown up enough to not act like a child . Even if he wasn 't my Sentinel , I 'd be telling you this because this is my team , Detective Markus . " Aaron listened as the detectives went over the case . He was sure that Spencer was listening in . This wasn 't a Sentinel proof room . He felt little from the younger man and he tried not to look out into the bullpen . When he did , he didn 't see them . But he noticed the door to the chief 's office was shut . " Hillman , we don 't like to take cases from LEOs , but we will . Your chief invited us in because he needs us . Think about that before you piss off our Sentinel . Because if he leaves , and he has every right based on what Markus has already said , we leave too . " Aaron wasn 't going to pull punches , nothing mattered , but finding the killer . " The Chief has all the files on the teachers as well . " Spencer turned to show two officers moving seven boxes into another room . " These are all the files on every single employee in the system that these kids have had contact with . I 'd say two hours and seven minutes , more if I 'm disturbed . " " Okay . The chief let me have the office that is Sentinel friendly . I can block everything out . I 'll take my phone in just in case . " " Go . " Aaron motioned over his shoulder . Spencer left the room and then Aaron looked at Morgan . " I don 't want to know what he has told you , but just keep an eye . " " You stay here and start the geographic profile . JJ , Prentiss , Dave , and I will go to the dump sites . " Aaron moved to the door and stepped out . " Markus , Hillman , do you two mind splitting up to show us the sites ? " Three hours later , Aaron stepped back into the station . He found Spencer working on the geographic profile while Morgan was talking with another officer . Aaron wanted to take Spencer to the last site , but he wanted to wait until later as there would be less humans wandering around . Spencer had a good grasp of using his senses for cases , but when there was too much input , he sometimes got overloaded . It was a slow process , and Spencer never tried to get out of using his senses . Morgan looked at him , and Aaron nodded his head towards the room that Spencer was in and Morgan nodded . He 'd join them as soon as he could . The rest of the team filed into the room and the door was shut . Spencer didn 't turn , but his posture relaxed , he knew that they were there and he was listening . When Dave was halfway through talking about what was found at the first sight of his when Morgan entered the room . He took a seat beside Spencer and handed over a sheet of paper . Spencer smiled and moved back up to the map . " It 's going fine , but it doesn 't help us . The zone tells us that the school is ground zero , but we knew that . The geographic profile is that based on what Garcia was able to find , there are still many students who graduated from LVHS who still live in the area . Whether the UnSub works there , goes there , or used to go there , it doesn 't help as I can 't narrow it down more than that . The kill sites are all based around things the teens do for fun . One on location at the school , and four that are activity oriented . The teens that I went to school with all went to those same places to have fun . Our UnSub could live in the boundary lines that feed the school , or if they work or worked at the school , they could live outside that boundary . " " Because the teachers that liked me are no longer in the school , and a few that hated me are still there . And three new teachers work there that were part of my graduating class , and they actively hated me . At the moment , it would be better to keep me away from there . I 'm sure that Markus and Hillman will let it slip quick enough to their wife and sister that I 'm here and it 'll spread . " " Pretty Boy , " Morgan started . Spencer looked at him and they had a conversation with facial movements and raised eyebrows on Morgan 's part and just blank staring on Spencer 's . Finally , the younger man seemed to collapse . " Markus ' wife is Alexa Lisbon , her best friend Harper Hillman is Detective Hillman 's sister . Twins . They were two of the biggest bullies that I had in school , with Markus making my life a living hell in gym class . Detective Hillman wasn 't active in bullying me , . and while he tried to stop them , he never helped me . High school was a long time ago , and I won 't do anything to antagonize them but I will not allow him to harm you , Hotch . You are not to go anywhere alone with Markus . " " The skinny freak genius has shown up as a Federal Agent and is claiming to be a Sentinel with you as my Guide . Markus is going to try something , but I have no clue what it is . He 'll want dominance over me and to get that he needs to be dominant over you . " Spencer was looking at him with a look that Aaron had never seen before . He was scared about something happening to Aaron . He was scared of losing him . " Everywhere . Markus is the pack alpha here . Only respect has the others looking at the Chief as above him . There are plenty of officers here that would cover for him as we are the outsiders . " " None of us will go anywhere without someone else with us , " Morgan said , looking at Aaron . He nodded at the agent . " Does that help you calm down ? " Aaron nodded his agreement and Dave did as well . The girls smiled at Spencer and JJ moved up to lean into him . He wrapped his arm around her and whispered something in her ear . " Someone I got through algebra and physics . She 'll talk to us and help us as much as she can . She called and left that message for me here at the station . It seems that it 's leaked which team is here already . If you want me to talk to the families , I can do that . " " No . Not to me or each other . From the preliminary profiles I 've made based on what Detectives Markus and Hilman have done , each of these kids was an outcast for one reason or another . " " Chandler Montgomery , seventeen . Male and gay . He had a few close friends according to his parents , but no one who ever came over to the house . Scarlet Iverson , fifteen . Female and according to others a lesbian , but her parents say that they didn 't know the validity of that . She played video games and paper dice games . Her circle of friends are a lot closer than many of the others who died . According to her friends , she wasn 't sure what her sexuality was . Those two were the supposed suicides . Chandler 's was more believable while Scarlet 's friends never believed hers . " The next three happened over the past four weeks , while the first were over six weeks ago . John Samuels eighteen had severe acne , and his parents didn 't allow him to seek treatment for it , that learning to deal with it would give him an edge . He had an above average intelligence , but failed every IQ exam given to him , on purpose , according to his mother . He was found beaten to death in the closest park . " Mariah Jameson , eighteen had tried out for the football team ever since she was eight . She was a loner on purpose . She ran track and field and played on the girls ' basketball team . Even her mother knows little of what she did beside sports . She read on her Kindle , and her mother is bringing that in for me to look at . She was found on the football field , raped and strangled to death . And the most recent victim is Scott Sanders . He was found dead on the school steps , his throat cut . He was a writer . His writings detailed the abuse many kids went through at the school . He used different names , but Detective Hillman had read enough to know that he could fit a few names with victims . It 's unclear at this time if he was a victim of choice or of necessity . " " Could have , or the killer could have thought that . His father brought over his computer after his death , and one of the officers is printing out all of the contents of his writing folders . I 'll read them over to see which it is . If he was getting close , it could help us . " " So , none of these kids was in the popular crowd . None were in the same crowd . So it could be someone else like them , just lower on the totem pole who thinks that they needed to be gotten rid of , so they could shine as it were , " Dave said as his eyes were drawn to the pictures of the teens . " Or an adult who dislikes them . We can rule out an adult . In fact , given the premeditation to make the first two look like suicides , and to rape without leaving a trace , It seems more likely . " Spencer 's eyes were on the geographic profile again . " " Read the files in the morning . We will hit the ground running , but it 's getting late , especially for us as we had a full day . Let 's go to the house . It 's just after one . Let 's get in here by nine at the latest . " Aaron looked at Spencer . The younger man nodded . The drive to the house was silent for the most part . Spencer drove JJ and Prentiss there while Morgan drove Aaron and Dave . The house was not exactly small , and Aaron was a little shocked . There was a four car garage , and there was a car already parked in front of one of the stalls . Aaron looked at the house . It was a very long house set on a big property . There was a high privacy fence around the whole of the yard , it seemed . " No , " Spencer answered as he stepped out of his SUV . " I like the house and the yard in the back is huge . There is a long hallway that goes from one end of the house to the other on the ground floor with a door at either end . " " I texted the chef and he 'll have breakfast ready at six . I am not going to get much sleep tonight . I don 't need it , and so I 'm going to crash and when I wake , I wake . The car is mine from the old house . " " I restored the Amazon during college . It was mom 's and had been breaking down slowly . I drove it to DC when I started at the academy . That thing runs better than most cars on the road . " Spencer showed everyone to their rooms , no one had to double up . Aaron was showed their room first and he stayed and started to get their things in the bathroom set up . He traced the feel of Spencer all across the house . His Sentinel was not going to sleep much at all . Aaron knew that . He 'd let his mind rest , and then start on the files that were going to be waiting for him . Most cases , Spencer slept about four hours a night . It was the normal amount for most Sentinels . He was pretty sure that the only reason he stayed in bed longer with him was that he wanted the cuddle time . " No , but you have been more relaxed here than anywhere besides our own house . The yard is large , the rooms are great , and this master room is perfect for you . You like the place , or you would have never brought it up . " " Yes . " Aaron grabbed Spencer around the waist and pulled him in and kissed him . Spencer hummed and settled down into him . Trusting him to hold him up . " Let 's buy a house . " " So you work for the people who own this house ? " Aaron asked . He racked his brain for the man 's name but couldn 't remember at the moment what it was . Spencer had told him , as they 'd laid in bed and talked about the house . The cleaning staff that rotated between several houses in he area . " I work for myself . I started a company twenty years ago that I 've grown to a pretty big business here in Vegas . It 's a company of chefs and cooks that cook for various visiting families . The Watsons used to be a top customer who lived here , and when I heard that Doctor Reid was possibly buying the house , I contacted him about what his plans were . Given that he 's just going to be visiting on occasion , I told him that I 'd gladly stay on . When he contacted me about cooking for the team while you guys are here on a case , I volunteered . He buys the food , I cook breakfast and dinner . " Aaron nodded and heard shuffling footsteps heading towards him . He turned to see it was JJ who had her phone at her head , listening to something . She was already dressed and ready to go . Even Aaron wasn 't that far along . " Spencer said he had a cappuccino waiting for me at the station . " JJ wandered towards the front door and as she opened it , Aaron saw a flash of lights of a car turning into the driveway . The kitchen having direct line of sight on the front door was nice . " Oh , Doctor Reid emailed me a list of who would be up and when , and what they liked to eat . I have oatmeal and orange juice for you . " The man turned to pick up a pot off the stove and turned back to him , it was full of oatmeal . Aaron wasn 't shocked Spencer had given him the team 's food preferences . He took care of the team , even before he was online . He made sure they talked , and they ate . It showed the type of Sentinel he was . That he cared for the team , and didn 't need to show his strength . He 'd done it , but he didn 't feel the need to constantly prove it . After breakfast it was a rush to get ready . Prentiss went in with him while Morgan and Dave were going to be about ten minutes behind . Spencer was buried in files in the Sentinel proof room that the station had . His head popped up and he smiled as Aaron knocked on the window . He didn 't wave him in so Aaron went to where JJ was . " The rape was leaked to the news . Someone here talked and the chief is looking into it . He 's already asked Reid to play lie detector if he can 't find out who . Reid agreed . " " They do . But the Guide was shot last week and they are out . The Sentinel called and talked to Reid , and they were discussing something , but she is still pretty close to feral . Seems the Guide is in a medically induced coma . This station is a wreck . It seems the Sentinel has a hard time due to Markus . But his close rate is the highest outside of her , and he 's a good cop . I guess he does really good with victims ' families . He was in here from the moment Reid got here . So Reid put himself in there with the files and waited to venture out when I got here . " " Good . What are you doing on the press ? " Just like that it was back to a normal case . Aaron could feel Markus watching him . It was kind of creepy . Aaron kept a tight lid on his bond with Spencer and the leaking of emotions . Spencer was enjoying his reading in only the way he could . There was a pad at his side where he was sitting on the table cross legged , filled with his shorthand notes . Aaron had tried to learn them , but it was full of half sentences , and in some places half written words . Just after lunch , in which JJ invaded Spencer 's sanctuary to pull him out to eat , Spencer and Aaron went to the chief to talk . The team had discussed what Spencer had found as well as talk of the profile . Since Markus and Hillman were still the lead detectives on the case , they were asked to join as well . " Yes and no . It 's someone connected with the school , right now . Scott was sure of that , and he was asking questions . The UnSub had to have heard . I need access to all accident reports over the past four years . As well as all deaths foul play or not . " " Good . " Spencer stood up as their chief picked up his phone to make the call . He laid his hand on Aaron 's shoulder and squeezed . Aaron rolled his shoulder not to dislodge the hand , but to show a reaction . Then he was gone . Aaron heard the door open . " We shared a fifth grade class for two months before they pushed you up in grades again . Your reading speed astounded me and I guess it stuck . You chose to read Sanders ' writing on paper , I figured you 'd like to read the files that way as well . " Spencer turned and looked at Aaron with a smile on his face . Aaron smiled back , Spencer was going to have a duckling the rest of the case . That was going to piss off Markus , and he wasn 't sure what it was going to do to Hillman . " I 've looked up Agent Reid , Markus . You called him a freak in front of the entire squad . I could tell it was a shock to see him , but still . You need to show him respect . Graduated with your class at the school when he was twelve . Several advanced degrees before eighteen . Youngest in the BAU , ever . When he joined the team , their solve rate grew steadily and they currently have a solve rate of ninety five percent . " " I don 't know . We 've never had that happen . No one has been that stupid , but then most places we go , we let them believe that I am the Sentinel . If it hadn 't been Markus on the case , Reid probably would have done that . We 've had issues with cases where other Sentinels and humans try and prove Reid 's not a Sentinel or he 's a weak one . They come up short , he 's put one in a hospital who tried to subvert our bond by trying to dominate me . I didn 't even have a chance to try and drop him mentally or physically . The man didn 't get the chance to touch me . " " The team would follow him , but he doesn 't want the hassle . He doesn 't want the meetings so I stayed . He came online recently . I was chief before that , so we saw no reason to change it . " " What is Reid looking for ? " The chief did look perplexed . Spencer 's methods were strange even to the team . He made leaps in logic that he couldn 't always explain . The team had learned to follow as close as they could . Usually after the case was done he could teach them step by step . " Something that caused the UnSub to snap . The premeditation tells us that he has been thinking about it for a while so we are probably looking for two stressors . He 'll probably call our analyst in Quantico and narrow the list down . " " I won 't keep you . Thank you for talking to me . If I need to pull Markus , I will . I 'd rather you stayed than him . " The chief nodded and Aaron moved out of the office . He could feel Spencer 's excitement and was happy . He was alone with the officer , but there had to be someone in the records room . Morgan was standing outside waiting on him . Morgan always stepped up to keep Spencer happy . A day of basically nothing moving forward in the cases . The families were interviewed , and Aaron was tired . It was tiring to use his Guide abilities to read families , and tell when they weren 't being completely forthcoming . Mainly because he had to keep their grief from causing him to go into emotional overload . Spencer 's presence at the back of his mind , his sheer joy in a paper trail was the only saving grace of it all . It wasn 't hard to understand what Spencer was doing , but with the sheer amount of issues that popped up in Las Vegas , he had hours upon hours of accidents , deaths , and fights to look into . Spencer was inside the station while Aaron was in the front seat of Spencer 's car . It was a nice one . The door was shut and locked . He could see the shift change happening . Then there was Spencer coming out with the officer that he had been with all day . Morgan had said that the officer had gone to five other station houses and picked up files of cases . The list of possible UnSubs was growing ever larger by the hour . Once Spencer had a large group , he was going to start to narrow it down more and more with Garcia . " The others are picking up dinner . Morgan called and told Reginald that we were going to be late . So Prentiss found a diner a few blocks over and is picking up burgers , fries , onion rings . All that food we try and stay away from because this case sucks . " " Good burgers there . I 'd eat dinner there a lot after my after school activities . I could take over the table and work on my homework on the days that mom was having a bad episode . Then I 'd bring home a milkshake , and fries , and we 'd sit on the couch and I 'd read to her while she ate . Then she 'd read to me until I fell asleep . It was good nights with her like that that I remember most of the time after dad left . " Spencer was smiling . It was a type of smile that Aaron hadn 't seen in years . Not since the aftermath of the Fisher King case and watching him with Diana in the round table room . Sitting there listening to her lecture . Spencer was proud to be Diana Reid 's son , and it was that pride , and that love that turned him into a strong man , and made him the Sentinel he was . He wasn 't strong in muscles or the urge to be in the lead . He was stronger than he should have been given his body mass , and had proved that in time of need or want , he could do what he wanted . Spencer cared for his family . And the team was his family . Jack was his family . Even Jessica was his family . It was a close family . " Sounds like a plan . " Spencer turned the key in the ignition . The drive was short and it could have been a nice walk , but tensions were too high for it . Spencer talked about things he used to do in the area . Talking about his childhood in a way that he 'd never done before . It was all happy things , and Aaron knew that he was staying away from the sad things on purpose . Aaron wasn 't going to push . They might not talk about the bad things until they got home . Safe at home in his own domain . As soon as Spencer got inside the house , he didn 't move toward the kitchen where the sounds of the rest of the team were coming from . No , he went right up to the bedroom . He didn 't ask for Aaron to follow him , but still he did . Spencer stripped naked right in the middle of the bedroom and went for the shower . Aaron picked up his things before he moved to the kitchen . " He 's taking a shower . " Aaron found the two containers with his burger and Spencer 's and put his Sentinel 's aside . He grabbed a paper plate and loaded it down with fries and onion rings . A little dish with ketchup was set in front of him . He smiled at JJ . " He just needs to process . There is a lot of data and we have nothing to narrow it down . " " He 's doing fine , " Morgan said . His tone was strong , like he wanted to put an end to it all . " He 'll talk to who he wants when he 's ready , and you all know that no one can push him into it . " " Steal from your Guide , not me ! " Morgan said with a laugh . Spencer bumped his shoulder into Morgan before moving over towards where Aaron was taking a seat on a stool . Aaron pulled him in close and let his emotions wrap around Spencer as his arm did . " There is a piece missing , and I can 't figure it out . I talked it over with Officer Smithson , but there isn 't any leap in logic for me . There are too many smells on the bodies and I can 't trace a single one between them . I can smell several kids , and adults that are on all three , but that doesn 't give me names . I need a fresh body with no taints and that makes my heart hurt . " " We need sleep . Distance will help . " Dave pointed out . He was nearly done with his food . The rest were picking , and Aaron knew that they would stay in there with them unless he said something . Every single team member piped up that it was okay . Spencer closed his box and snagged the plate of fries and onion rings that Aaron had picked out and moved to the stairs . Morgan scooted his leftover sides closer and Aaron ate off that plate while he finished off his burger . " I get a lot of feedback and I usually don 't . I think , though , that having a Sentinel or a Guide for them is rare . It 's probably a stepping stone job before getting higher up . All the detectives are mundane and all pretty young . So either Markus has run the rest off , or no one really stays long unless they have an issue . " It was another hour of talking about the case before they called it a night . When Aaron got up to the room , Spencer was dead asleep in the middle of the bed . Aaron smiled at the sight and after changing he crawled into bed with him . As soon as he was there , Spencer rolled into him , burying his head in his neck . Aaron couldn 't hear a word of what was said , but the look on Spencer 's face told him that it wasn 't good . He wanted to grab the phone , but he didn 't . Worry and fear creeped over their bond and it set Aaron into fight mode . He stood up and started to dress . When he was decent enough he stuck his head out and screamed . Every bedroom door on the floor was open so it wasn 't but seconds before the sound of moving bodies told him they were all awake . " Two girls didn 't come home from school . It wasn 't noticed until the mother got off shift at the hospital . She was watching a neighbor 's kid , who 's parents were out of town . Fifteen years old . Last seen at the school . Chief wants us to go right there . " " One . Everyone stays inside until I tell you otherwise . The cops are getting there now , and are staying in the cars as well . Untainted , I might be able to track . The mother has her daughter 's clothes , and thankfully she hadn 't done the wash yet , or we wouldn 't have clothes for either girl that wasn 't tainted . " Spencer was dressed and Aaron wasn 't shocked to see his hands shaking . He trusted in his senses , but he was still afraid that using them to find someone would fail . " Right now I need Hotch . I 'm in control and I 'll stay in control . You will feel it if I start to slip . Until that moment I need a boss . " " Okay . " Aaron nodded . He could do that . They were still learning . Still figuring out how to be what they needed for each other . " Let 's go . Drive ? " Spencer smiled at him and moved out the door . He didn 't grab his bag , and Aaron knew not to grab it either . If he 'd wanted it , he would have grabbed it . The team appeared near as one as Aaron stepped out of the room . " In the SUV . We are going straight to the school . We can 't get out until Reid says so . He 's wants a clean field . Locals already have clothes for him and it 's labeled . " Spencer already had the SUV on and Aaron got into the front with him while the rest of the team got into the two back seats . The fact that they had a three row was a change as normally they didn 't , but he knew that some did for situations where a Sentinel and Guide needed room . There was more than once where a Sentinel needed grounding in the field and the two back seats could be laid down into a long one . Spencer started to spell out everything that he knew . He parked the SUV , but didn 't get out . The squad car next to them rolled down a window and handed over two bags . Both were sealed and had a name taped on them . Aaron watched as Spencer got out , shutting the door quickly . His eyes scanned everywhere before he took the bags . He watched as Spencer opened the first and scented it before opening the second . He went back to looking and moved slowly . " Oh , fuck . Fuck . No . No . I 'm sorry Hotch . " Morgan said as he opened the door and took off at a run . Aaron barely processed it before a sound of anguish came from where Spencer had taken off to , and he felt a pain so horrible that he nearly threw up . He opened his door and dropped to his knees , dry heaving as he looked towards where Spencer was on his knees at the farthest goalpost , and Morgan was at the first . Morgan turned and waved all of them towards him . Aaron moved slow and listened for the team behind him . Morgan hadn 't touched the body that was tied to the post . Now that he was closer he could see that Spencer wasn 't touching the body either , but he was on his knees at the base of the goalpost . " I was one of the guys that tied Doctor Reid to the goalposts our senior year . We stripped him naked , and tied him there and left him , " Markus said . He looked at the post and the naked girl tied to it and looked guilt ridden . " He was so small and we were so stupid . " " I don 't know , " Aaron said . He looked again at Spencer . His Sentinel hadn 't moved . " Let CSU get in here to take fibers and whatever they can find on this body . " Aaron looked at Markus . " Do you understand why now ? " " No . I want you to come with me and we will talk to him . See what he can tell us that we can 't see or smell . " Aaron moved over to him and as soon as he touched Spencer 's shoulder , it was all gone . All the pain , all the anguish . There was nothing but the feel of Spencer 's senses . He wasn 't aware that he was projecting . He wasn 't aware of what Aaron was feeling from him . He was tracing . He was scenting . If it had been anyone else , if he was unbonded , everyone would have thought he was in a zone out , but he wasn 't . He was qualifying every single scent that he could get off of the girl 's body . Aaron had spent all night watching Spencer pace back and forth as CSU processed the scene and the bodies were taken away for processing . Once the second body was taken away , he moved to the station and there he paced in the Sentinel room . He wanted the school to start as normal . He had a scent . A single scent that he was going to trace back to the UnSub . He had no name . He had nothing but a single scent that he was going to use . " It 's your case . You 've tried to get the UnSub before now it 's just that he proved too smart forensically . We don 't take cases unless we have to . " Aaron looked at him . " And I think you got a rude awakening this morning seeing those girls on the post . " " That 's up to him . " Aaron looked as Spencer left the room and moved towards the door . He wasn 't sure if Spencer was going to walk , run , or drive to the school . SWAT was ready in their vehicles and the leader rushed to get into the passenger seat and took off towards the school . Morgan had been keeping a SUV running since school had started . Spencer did get into the SUV and it was a show of how into his Sentinel side he was that he didn 't buckle - up . Spencer was out of the SUV before Morgan had even put it in park . Aaron got out as well and waited for SWAT , and the two detectives to go in behind the Sentinel . Aaron followed him in their bond . Feeling the thrill of the hunt inside of Spencer . The feeling of finding the scent followed by stopping at the door . Aaron opened his senses more and started into the school . There was a stream of kids running out of a room with the two detectives coaxing them out . Aaron felt their fear but it wasn 't at Spencer it was at the teacher . When the last kid was out , Aaron stepped into the room and found Spencer at the back of the class with a teenager wrapped in his arms . It was a girl . Hillman was putting cuffs on the teacher and Markus was standing beside Spencer . He crouched down and said something and the girl nodded but didn 't let go of Spencer . Morgan nodded . Aaron turned back into the room and found Hillman marching the UnSub out . Aaron waited for the medic to come in and escorted him over to where the teen was standing up and going to Markus ' arms . Hillman stepped close again as the medic and Markus escorted the teen out of the room . " World Literature teacher . He started here two years ago . He wasn 't on the short list of suspects as not all the kids had him . He was on the long . " " Arnold Pierce . His younger brother killed himself four years ago when he was a senior in high school . He was bullied and the school he was at wasn 't doing a thing to protect him . He was on my list , " Spencer said as he stood up . " Medication . He is on several types and when he sweats , traces are left everywhere . It wasn 't on the other bodies because of time and the locations were trampled , but last night . " Spencer stopped . " He was screaming at Elsbeth when I entered the room . He rounded on me and yelled that I wasn 't allowed in there . Two of the boys in the class were up out of their seats , ready to pull him away from her . She tried to run , using my distraction , but he backhanded her . " " It looks like you threw him , " Aaron said as he took in the room . There was a collapsed table . Spencer wouldn 't get in trouble for throwing him . The girl 's bloodied face was enough to send any Sentinel into a rage . " No . I growled and one of the kids said I was a Sentinel and the UnSub took off . I moved towards him and he freaked , crashing into the table . I didn 't touch him expect to keep him down with my foot on his chest while the kids ran . " " Yes . " Aaron looked around the room . There was going to be a lot of healing needed done at the school . And a lot of it had to come from the teachers and the staff that allowed the bullying to happen . The students needed to be talked to . There was a lot of work needing to be done but Spencer 's part was over once he got his report done . Aaron wondered if he 'd be able to get him to visit his mother . It would help to settle him . Aaron heard the near silence of the station and was worried . It had been noisy just moments before . He wasn 't sure that the officers could take much more . There had been the confrontation meeting between Markus and Spencer in the Sentinel room right after Spencer had come back from visiting his mother . Nothing had happened during it other than talking , but eyes hadn 't left the room , and neither had Aaron 's senses . Morgan , JJ , Dave , and Prentiss were at the school , talking to the staff and families about what had happened . The teacher had snapped . His house had been a shrine to bullies and what they got away with . He 'd thought he was helping the first ones . Right up until Mariah fought him and he snapped and raped her . From there he 'd spiraled . The two girls that were taken and killed weren 't bullied in anyway nor were they bullies . Aaron opened the door to the room he was working on closing out the case files . He saw two women who were standing entirely too close to his Sentinel . Spencer had dressed up a little to go see his mother . A nice three piece suit that stayed on the jet . Everyone on the team kept a few nicer outfits on the jet , just to be safe during cases . He wasn 't shocked to see that the main woman talking to Spencer had a wedding ring on her finger . " And why would I want to even touch you ? " Spencer asked . Aaron heard two voices talking and then stop . He looked to see Markus and Hillman standing beside him . He could feel the utter shock from Markus and disgust from Hillman . " You have a lot of guts , Alexa . Flirting with a man in the same building that your husband works in and smelling of sex with at least two different men . " There was no smile on his face and the woman telegraphed her moves so that even the dumbest person in a room could tell she was going to slap him . Spencer didn 't stop her and didn 't even attempt to dodge it . He took the slap full on . It echoed around the bullpen and the woman with her looked very shocked . " Thank you , Mrs . Markus for giving me a wonderful reason to have you up on assault charges . For striking a federal agent and for striking a Sentinel while he 's on duty . " Spencer turned to look at the three of them . " But I 'll let your husband deal with you . Miss Hillman , I suggest you not get involved . " " Alexa , Harper , may I introduce Agent Doctor Sentinel Reid and his bonded Unit Chief Agent Guide Hotchner ? They helped us with the case of the dead teenagers . " Markus stepped up to stand beside Spencer and not his wife . " And Alexa , I think that signing the papers would be a wonderful idea on your part . " " Are you any relation to that freak that had a crush on me ? What was his name ? Spencer . That 's it . Spencer Reid . He would have been better if he 'd taken after you in looks . " Alexa asked . " I 'm glad you like how he looks , Alexa . So do I . It takes all my considerable brain power to not get horny at the sight of my bonded in a suit . " Spencer smirked at her and Aaron subtly leaned into him to get him to shut up . He was fighting back a blush knowing that it wouldn 't do them any good . " You are very welcome , Agent Hotchner . " Markus looked like he was going to laugh , but he held it in . Aaron nodded at him in thanks . " That 's not the first time she flirted with co - workers , but it 's the first time that I 've caught her cheating , " Markus said , his voice low . He looked at at his fellow workers and none of them were looking at them . " I 'm sorry that she did any of that . " " If you want to get your lawyer here , I can give you the name of the two officers she had sex with . I recognize their scent from working here . I can give a full deposition before we leave . " " Actually , Strauss wants the team to give a lecture in Seattle at the field office there . So we have two days off before we have to head there . JJ and Prentiss were thinking a little Vegas vacation would be nice . Will , Henry , and Jack are on a plane heading this way right now . I thought that some days off with Jack and Henry would make you happy . " Aaron stepped into the smaller living room that was closer to the back of the house . It had probably been closer to a den when the house was built , but the furniture inside and no doors had it feeling like a living room . Will and the kids had arrived with little fanfare and had set up in a room to themselves . The bumpers on the bed would keep Henry from rolling off and it was better that they sleep in the same bed . They had all learned that the hard way . Setting down the second cup of coffee on a table , Aaron watched as Spencer 's spirit animal manifested . The fox jumped around for a few before moving in to rub all along Spencer 's back . It moved to Jack next and circled him several times . Spencer had better control of his spirit animal than a lot of older Sentinel and Guides who had been online for years . He wondered if it was part of him not having training . Spencer had refused training for Jack saying that Aaron could teach him better and JJ wanted Spencer to teach Henry . " Because he 's untrained and is seen to many as weak . And you have too tight a lid on yourself much less him , and you act more like a Sentinel than he normally does . It 's all prejudice and fear . If he 's a Sentinel , what others like him are out there ? " " She tells them about him coming out of his feral drive the moment that he was alone . And then she shows them the footage from the Sentinel room . The one where he can hear us and near gets you to let him out by his will alone . And how he dented the door . She tells them that she can 't spare him and that she won 't let him go without a fight . " " That 's because even without a Guide until I came online , we had the highest solve rate of every team . She expects us to go up . Even with the B team having a bonded pair , we do better . She isn 't going to let us go without a fight . " " I have more clout now to stop that . Strauss didn 't understand , but she does now . " Aaron pointed at Spencer . " He won 't let it happen . " " Yes . I told Strauss it was the BAU pride . SWAT has one and Spencer will only answer to the Director in matters of Sentinel and Guide issues . If it 's straight FBI , he 'll follow the chain of command . " A yip from Spencer 's fox had Aaron shutting up and looking . Henry had a hold of it 's tail and Jack was trying to stop him . The fox yipped in seeming laughter and licked Henry 's face . Spencer crossed his legs and the fox pranced away from Henry and Jack . Starting to run around the room . " He 's waiting to figure out a name . He says that the fox will tell him when he knows . " Aaron laughed as from the other doorway , Morgan and Prentiss stepped inside . Spencer ignored them . Aaron felt someone slip in beside him and raised his arm to let JJ tuck in at his side . He laid his arm around her shoulder . The feel of Will stopped just behind him and he looked to see him standing behind Dave . The kids were oblivious to what was happening around them as they listened to Spencer talking about his spirit animal . Jack had his back to them so hearing what sounded like a kitten crying out shocked Aaron . The room went silent and then a little white ball of fluff tumbled out of Jack 's lap , it stood on shaky feet . It meowed again at Jack and then stumbled towards Spencer . Spencer reached out and touched him . The little kitten arched up into his hand and moved towards Henry but as he got close , Jack leaned over and grabbed him . The boy pulled him into his lap . Henry went from being on his knees to sitting on his butt . He started to cry . JJ tried to move , but Aaron kept a hold of her . Spencer shook his head as Aaron tightened his hold even more . Spencer reached out and grabbed Henry settling him in his lap . Henry didn 't stop crying . Jack tried to move closer but Spencer held him back . " What 's he doing ? " Prentis demanded and she acted like she was going to step closer , but Morgan stopped her . Jack let go of the kitten and it started to wander around again . Seconds later , a tiny red panda appeared and stumbled around with the kitten . The panda bumped into the kitten and then tackle him . Spencer laughed as Henry started to giggle and then laugh . Jack was just staring at the two animals as they play fought in the middle of the room . Aaron set down his coffee beside the one he had brought in for Spencer and moved towards his son . He picked up Jack and sat down with him in his lap . Aaron tugged on the little tether that was buried deep inside himself and with a low growl Shadow appeared in the middle of the room . He looked at the two little spirit animals and moved closer , nosing at the kitten until it fell over . The panda rolled onto it 's back and started to kick at Shadow 's head . Henry was laughing and Aaron felt the serenity over his bond with his spirit animal . Shadow nosed down into the panda 's belly before licking up his stomach to his chin . The panda kicked harder and the kitten ran over and jumped on Shadow 's head . " Are you going to let him have all the fun Aminta ? " Spencer asked . The fox yipped and dove in , bumping into Shadow and dislodging his head from the panda . Aminta picked up the panda by the scruff of his neck and carried him over to Henry , dropping the panda in his lap before laying down at Spencer 's feet . Shadow picked up the kitten and did the same . A new meow sounded and in between Aaron and Spencer a Serengeti cat ran . The cat flopped on the floor and stared at Aaron . " Thanks . The location isn 't the best as far as seeing the school , but I had a few friends who lived in the area , so not all memories were bad , and I didn 't like the other houses on the market that were close to Bennington that had Sentinel ready rooms . I am going to be making enough new happy memories here to make up for all the bad ones . " " I heard you and Markus . I am not upset that you were going to tell . I should have told everyone the moment we got here , but I wasn 't expecting the UnSub to tie anyone up that way . But what Morgan didn 't say is that mom was in the middle of an episode , she didn 't realize I was getting home late and I just … I never told her . It wasn 't something that would have helped her when she was lucid . Before I told Morgan during the Owen Savage case , I 'd never told anyone . " Spencer laid his head down on top of Henry 's pulling the toddler in close . Aaron scooted over closer to him and wrapped an arm around him . " So I 'm thinkin a cookout for dinner . We can go to the store and pick up anything and everything we want to eat and just have fun outside . " " Not me , " Spencer answered with a smile . He looked around at the others and no one offered . " So it looks like it 's going to be you Morgan . " " Of course Henry . You and I can be Uncle Derek and Jack 's sous chefs , " Will said with a laugh in his voice . Henry crawled out of Spencer 's lap and moved to his father . So far the little boy had no issues with spikes in his senses . There was no documentation of someone coming online that young ever . He only lost control of his senses when he was very upset , and so every effort was made to not make him that upset . There were a lot of sleepovers between the two houses and Spencer had told them it would probably be that way all through their childhood and teenaged years . But they would not be alone . The bond between the two boys was full of friendly love at the moment with few hiccups like Jack keeping his Spirit Animal from Henry , but slowly that would change . When those two got old enough , they would be a force to be reckoned with . The ability to have a perfect bond . The knowledge that they knew each other perfectly . " Chicken too , " Spencer piped up as he leaned more into Aaron . Aminta started to fade from where she was . As if she was keeping the others there , they started to fade as well . " According to the papers put out by the Sentinel and Guide Association ? No . Henry should be a mess and Jack as well . They circle around us , but I don 't let them get close . The Director has been very helpful in keeping them away given that they came online while being kidnapped . The bureau psychologists are keeping them away with statements about taking them away from their families would be worse than what was done to turn them on . We 'll know if they make another move anytime soon . " " Good . How do you feel about a nap ? I know you didn 't sleep well . Hell none of us did . " Aaron let his arm slip down , teasing Spencer 's stomach through his shirt . Jack wiggled and moved over to where Henry and his father were playing , he joined in with a giggle and squeal when he was tickled from behind by JJ . " Jack 's properly entertained . " " Go have fun , " Dave called out as Aaron stood up and pulled Spencer with him . Aaron laughed and Spencer blushed . When it came to sex , he still blushed a lot when it was brought up in front of the team . Aaron wouldn 't have him any other way . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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My flight landed three hours late . I was beyond exhausted . I can 't sleep on planes . I waited for my luggage looking like a zombie and feeling even worse . My car sat where I 'd parked it five days ago . It looked like a woman waiting in the door for her cheating husband who 'd been gone three hours longer than he 'd said he 'd be . I schlepped to the trunk and heaved in my suitcase . At the time I didn 't even notice that no one else was going to their car , despite the flight having been booked to maximum . It was November 12th . Snow wasn 't falling yet , but was threatening to . The lights in the parkade glared in my eyes and beyond the lot I could see only blackness . I put the key into the ignition and pulled out , leaving the airport behind and heading west on Highway 348 . Within just a couple of miles I realized I was surrounded on all sides by a dense fog worthy of a John Carpenter movie . I wasn 't bugged so much by that as the fact that my headlights were reflecting little back to me other than a swirling wall of white . The street lights were more hindrance than help . I switched to low beams and drove a bit slower than normal . The fog was thicker than cotton . I could see only a few feet ahead . Passing a streetlight meant momentary light - blindedness . I began to feel disoriented , as if I was driving through clouds . After a while , the streetlights ended and my own headlights were the only light source around . I turned on the radio , but was met with low - humming static on every station . It only added to the rudderless feeling in my bones . I was a sailor on a tiny skiff adrift in strange , silent waters . I could see glimpses of landscape here and there beside the road . Open fields with unknown crops , the odd scarecrow , but no houses . No people . No other cars . For the first time , I realized that I was utterly alone . I have always enjoyed the comforting quiet of chosen solitude . This was not that . This was the quiet of the crypt . There was no movement within the fog , aside from the odd tree waving slightly in the low early winter breeze . I could hear the running of my tires against the asphalt . I could hear the low hiss of the heater . I could hear my own heart beating in my ears . These noises seemed to shout in the stillness . And then , as if summoned from the ethereal fog , two pinpricks of light sprouted in my rear - view . Seeing them , my heart began to thud more loudly . There is nothing less natural than the feeling of utter isolation except for when that isolation is broken just when you have begun to accept it . The headlights from behind crept closer . Their approach filled me with an inexplicable terror that gnawed at the edges of my vision , making the world tremor before my eyes . I was suddenly sure that whoever was in that car was following me , had been searching for me , and would hunt me . An off - ramp became evident in the fog . My rational self surfaced just long enough to remind myself that I was already on the correct road , but . . . was I ? Had I passed endless fields with no houses on the way out to the airport ? Were there not streetlights for mile after mile on the correct road ? Was I perhaps already lost ? " If he 's not following me , he 'll keep going , " I whispered to myself . This was pure folly , of course . The driver could live on this road . It was I who had taken the wrong path , but that didn 't mean it was the wrong path for everyone . The lights followed me . To my fevered mind , they were no longer headlights , but malevolent eyes , hunting me through the darkness , glowing their eldritch glow as they searched for me . I kept driving , trying to talk myself into believing that I being ridiculous , but as the headlights grew closer , the more like eyes they seemed . A sudden thought rose in my mind . What if the car belonged to a police officer who just wanted to tell me a tail light was out ? I didn 't think either of my tail lights were , but what if my license plate light was out ? This time it was my rational self that knocked that thought down . A police officer doesn 't follow you for miles without so much as flashing his red - and - blues or sounding his siren . I was so preoccupied with the lights in my rear - view that I failed to notice that I should be seeing streetlights again by now . I had been driving in the other direction , headed back to the airport , for a good hour before I realized that , aside from my headlights and the ones behind me , there were no other light sources whatsoever . The fog was still thick , but translucent in patches . I still saw nothing but endless fields . This entire ordeal had gone far enough . I pulled over . As I was now certain it would , the car behind me , if car it was , pulled over as well . I steeled myself , screwing my courage to the sticking point , as the saying goes . I didn 't have a gun . The closest thing I had to a weapon was an 18 - inch crescent wrench that was old and rusty . It was laying in my back seat . I picked it up and got out . Viewing the lights from this angle made it clear that they were indeed headlights . The only question now was what sort of person was following me , and why . I conjured up a picture of a faceless man in a long coat with a hood over his face . . . . it was a tiny Honda Civic , painted an almost purplish shade of blue . Seated at the wheel was a thin man with thick horn - rims . He was losing his hair . The man was hardly looking at me . His eyes darted about in the fog . " I . . . uh . . . " he said . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " " Your car was the only one I 've seen in over three hours , " he said . His voice was high and tinny . " I don 't know where I am . . . where . . . where we are . I thought if I didn 't let your car out of my sight that maybe . . . maybe we 'd get out of here . Wherever this is . " " Start making sense , moron , " I said . I was starting to feel justifiably angry . " We 're on Highway 348 . You probably came from the airport the same way I did ! " " Airport ? " The guy seemed utterly mystified . " There 's . . . there 's no airport around here . I was on the road from Kingsport to visit my sister in Bristol . Wait , what highway did you say this was ? " " Ah . . . actually , " he began , then broke off in a fit of bitter laughter . " I . . . ha ha . . . I don 't think it 's either place . Look around you , friend . Do you think we 're still anywhere we should be ? " Until he said this , I had been focused entirely on him . Him and that tiny little car . The fog shifted all about us , and I could see as little as before . Except . . . I realized that I could see more now . Both our cars were turned off now . No lights shown around us at all except a thin , wan glow that filtered through the fog like a tea light through a diaphanous curtain . I saw how still everything remained . . . but then , nothing was still . Silently , as though walking on pure air , shapes were moving through the fog . Gigantic , monstrous shapes . They writhed and danced in the low light , and what I could see of them made me feel quite certain that they should not exist . They boiled together in obscene movements , never ceasing , never confirming their own eldritch shapes to my unbelieving eyes . I saw a giant being with arms protruding from all sides ushering thousands of smaller versions of itself through the curtain of fog . Summers when I was a kid were spent at my grandmothers 's place . At the time , my parents didn 't have cable , so I spent a lot - and I mean a lot - of time in front of her TV watching whatever I could find that was even a little entertaining . I remember a lot of it , but there 's other stuff that exists as fragments of memory and to this day I have no idea if I was hallucinating or if this stuff really exists somewhere . The first was a scene with several old men sitting around the table . It looked like it was filmed on video , and I remember the men having British accents , though , since I lived in the south , it could very well have been New York accents and it would have sounded just as foreign to me . Anyway , they 're just having a meeting of some sort or another when one of them suddenly says " . . . what 's happening to him ? " I don 't remember the name of the man he was pointing out . All I remember is that the camera cut to the man in question and his face was melting . As in , falling right off his skull . It looked like a mudslide with an eyeball or two thrown in . The effects might have been cheap and cheesy , and if I saw it today , I probably wouldn 't think much of it . But at the time it sickened me , and in my memory it looks more realistic than the Nazis having their faces melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Not to mention slower , so you have more time to absorb what 's really happening . To this day that face - melting just shows up in my memory . I have no idea what this is from . Google , again , was no help . As far as the world at large is concerned , this scene did not happen . It was never on television . No one I 've talked to remembers it , even on websites all about trying to pin down various movies and TV series and putting names to them . But I remember . I can 't stop remembering , and I remember just enough so that , while I can 't forget it , I can 't figure out if it was real , either . My grandmother died recently . She was over 80 and Grandpa died a long time ago , so it was time to go through her estate , get it all divvied up and put the house on the market . I wasn 't responsible for most of that , but I did travel upstate for three days to help clear out the attic , basement and bedrooms and help get the house looking sellable . All three nights that I slept there , I kept hearing voices coming from other rooms in the house . Not dreams , because I hadn 't fallen asleep yet . I 'm not the type who generally hears voices , and these were not voices of people I knew . They were the voices from the programs . I would be laying in bed , and from my grandmother 's den where the television was , I would hear a sudden shout of " You 're not my parents ! You can 't be ! " . I would hear robotic , monotonous laughter . " Ha . Ha . Ha . " I would hear " What 's happening to him ? " And here 's the kicker , the reason I decided to make a post about it ; each time I heard these voices , I would go into the den and the TV would be on , showing static . The voices would be silent at that point , but I never turned the TV on . I turned it off each time , only to hear the voices moments later , and realize it had turned back on . My level of education is not sufficient to get hired at the jobs where you make the big bucks . For a long time I cut grass , shoveled sidewalks or flipped burgers . And then there was the time I scored a position as a night watchman at a local office complex . There wasn 't much to the night watchman job . The building is three floors and a basement , most of which is viewable from a bank of monitors in a back room . The building 's in a pretty quiet area of town , and there 's nothing in it to steal , so really , I discovered on my first shift that this was a pretty low - key sort of job . Gerry showed me the ropes , along with the guy I 'd be sharing part of my shift with , a younger guy named Mike . Gerry was nearing sixty , if he wasn 't already past it , but the best you 'd ever get from him was " Forty - five and holding . " Mike was younger than me ; didn 't even look like he 's been out of high school for very long . Gerry was the afternoon security guard who , technically , was in charge of Mike and I . Which is to say that he made sure we kept the sheets properly and caught hell if we didn 't , but he didn 't actually have any authority over us , and never acted like he did . If anything , it was more like three guys who did the same job ; Gerry did his from 4 PM to midnight , Mike came on duty at 5 PM , which is when the business day was officially over , and stayed until 1 AM , and I started at midnight and finished at 8 AM , officially opening the doors in the morning to let in Lester , the morning security guard , whom I rarely ever interacted with . Within a week , I fit into the rhythm of the place very easily . Gerry and Mike were fun guys . I 'd get there in time to hang out with both men for a bit , share a smoke with Mike and Gerry before Gerry departed for the night , and then hung out , joked , smoked and argued with Mike until he left , at which point I 'd usually pick up a novel , play games on my phone or just about anything to keep my mind occupied , until the morning . There were duties other than monitoring the stations , of course . Every hour , on the hour , a full circuit of each floor , and the basement , was necessary , and I was to mark on the sheet that I had done so , and put an " AC " for " all clear " next to my name , unless I found something out of the ordinary , which rarely happened . I was told that at worst I might right down that a light needed replacing or there was a drip in the ceiling somewhere . About three weeks into the job , I first heard the term " Joe the Creep " . Gerry said it in response to something Mike had said . When I think back to the conversation , I can 't really recall what Mike said to prompt him , but Gerry had laughed and said " Yeah , and I 'm gonna let old Joe the Creep get me , too . " Mike laughed back in response . I didn 't pay too much attention then , but after a couple of other references to " Joe the Creep " , I started to get a little curious . It would always be a snide reference of some sort , like " Don 't take too long in the toilet , Mike , Joe the Creep 's probably watching you masturbate " or " Shower before the next shift , okay , Gerry ? You 're starting to smell like Joe the Creep " or even " Dude , the only guy interested in your story is Joe the Creep . " The straw that broke the camel 's back happened on my last night there . I 'd been there for just over three months . You 'll understand in just a bit why I quit the next morning . I was running slightly behind . The bus was late . Mike and Gerry were having a smoke , and I walked up to join them . Everything was normal for the first bit . Gerry was telling a ribald joke , Mike was laughing and hocking spit between each puff , and both greeted me like always when I walked up to the smoking area . So . He was a real person . This was an interesting turn . Up until now he seemed like a story ; an in - joke among the staff . I looked at Gerry and said " Well ? " Gerry took a long puff on his smoke and smiled , looking a little abashed . " Coulda sworn I told you , but oh well . Joe was a guy who used to work here back in . . . I wanna say it was the mid - 80 's but it could have been the late 70 's . He wasn 't here all that long , but while he was here , he made an impression . He didn 't talk much , or at least , not to other people . He would come in , staring at the floor , mumbling to himself . He took his lunch breaks alone , didn 't speak to anyone unless they spoke to him first , didn 't seem to even realize others were around . You 've worked with guys like that , right ? Something 's just a little off ? " " Well , Joe , it turns out , actually was a bit of a creep . He kept writing stuff down in a little notebook , and never would let the rest of us see it , but one day he accidentally dropped it while in the elevator . There was a woman who worked here then , her name was Sue , I think , and she saw just a bit of what was in the notebook . It was enough to make her notify HR about him . " " Sue wasn 't allowed to talk about it , but boy did HR tear him a new one . He got a one - week suspension , and when he came back , he was even worse than before . Now he would stare at people , hardly even blinking , until they looked at him and then he would look away . He did this to me , once , but I told him if I caught him looking at me like that again , we 'd have it out in the parking lot . " But then the day came when a woman came shrieking out of the file room . Turned out that Joe was in there , hiding behind the cabinets and staring at her . Her eye managed to accidentally land on him , and he hissed at her . Nobody saw that but her , but I never had any trouble believing her , and they did find Joe in the copy room , still behind the cabinets . Needless to say , he was fired on the spot , but he asked if he could go get some of his personal files out of the basement before he left . " " Yeah , probably , " said Gerry . " Back then , they didn 't really think about sending someone down with him . They just had a guard wait at the top of the stairs . I mean , you know there 's only one flight of stairs going down there . " " Cliched , isn 't it ? " said Gerry . " Yep . Hanging by his belt . That part I can verify , because when they were carrying out his body , the sheet that was over it slipped a little , and I saw the ligature marks . That was the end of Joe the Creep , or so they say . " " Or so they say ? " I mimicked , wiggling my eyebrows . " Don 't tell me . Joe the Creep haunts the basement to this very day ? " " Well , that part 's the silly part , " said Gerry . " See , there was a rumor that he had stashed that notebook down there , and that was what he was going to get . But for some reason he decided to hang himself instead . And , just like any story , it 's sorta grown since then . Now there 's even a rhyme you 're not supposed to say . " At that , Gerry 's face got a bit red and he seemed to choke a bit on his smoke . " Well , I . . . " he began . " Well , not . . . not really . I started to once , but . . . well , I don 't like to play with stuff like that . Never did the Bloody Mary trick either . I been down in that basement lotsa times , and nothing ever happened , so why play around and invite something like that , right ? " Something felt cold on my neck . Up until that moment , it had all seemed like an amusing story . But Gerry 's reaction was real . He believed in Joe the Creep . Believed enough to never test the legend , apparently . We finished our smokes and went inside . When we got to the security booth , Gerry started packing up his stuff and I realized that we were all three as quiet as the grave . We usually were still laughing and joking at this point . Gerry even stayed quiet when he started heading out , not even saying good night . Mike must have noticed , because a few seconds later , he leapt up and followed him out . I sat at the station monitors and stared at the various rooms as they flashed by . And I thought : Joe the Creep . How silly . But somehow , the image of being watched through a crack in filing cabinets , of a crazy man hissing as I spot him , stayed with me . Joe the Creep , who died in the deep . Don 't close your eyes or he 'll kill you in your sleep . " Nothing , " said Mike , but gave himself away a second later . " Hey , let 's start with the basement this time , okay ? " Usually the basement was last . " Well , listen , man , " said Mike . " If you won 't say it , I 'm gonna say it . But then I 'm not going down there , so it 's up to you if you want to leave it off the rounds for the night . " " I knew you were scared , " said Mike . " You believe in the legend , don 't you ? You 're practically shittin ' in your drawers at the idea of old Joe the Creep coming for you . " But I wasn 't listening . I headed back to the monitor station . Let Mike do the rounds by himself for the rest of his shift , if he was gonna be like that . Oddly enough , he did . By the time his shift was over , he had done two full circuits of all the floors ; all , I noticed , except the basement . He didn 't even so much as crack the doors the rest of the night . I realized I was holding my breath . Stupid of me . Well , I decided enough was enough . I was no child , to believe such silly stories . It was time to man up and do my job . I grabbed my flashlight and notebook , and headed up the stairs . I made my circuit of the top floor , the second floor . Nothing out of the ordinary . The ground floor , where I had started . All clear . The basement was a fairly large room , but smaller in floor space than the above - ground floors . A bank of twelve lights for the entire room were spread out over the ceiling , none of them all that powerful . The basement was a dark room at the best of times . Think the level of lighting in an sub - ground bar at night . The stairs were steep , and they went down surprisingly far . There were stacks of shelves down here that stood anywhere from five feet to fifteen , and the ceiling extended a good ten feet above them . I was pretty far underground . I started my circuit . There were twenty rows . From each one , the one next to it was only visible through tiny spaces between stacked boxes of files . Before I knew what I was doing , I was pulling it down and looking through it . In a scrawling hand , multiple pages were filled with entries . All the ink used was red . As I read them , I realized that if I saw this from a subordinate , my next call would be to the police , not HR . A cartoon head of a woman 's head was drawn crudely next to it . Dots of red were underneath it , and I realized they were meant to represent dripping blood . Her eyes were angry spirals of red . - Steve Linden took my parking space today . He didn 't even apologize . I began to notice a stink in the air . No , not a stink . A fetid stench . It was like someone had let off ten stink bombs right next to me . The air had grown still , and I heard something in the silence . A schlep that sounded wet and rubbery . I shown my flashlight down the row and saw movement in the row next to mine . My blood froze , and I struggled to breathe . The figure continued to walk slowly , inexorably down the row . Within a few short minutes it would round the corner and I would be face to face with it . It turned to look in my direction and my flashlight beam caught it . Barely human features glared back at me . The intense , fevered eyes of madness burned through me . My feet came unglued from their spot and I bolted down the row at top speed . The thing was barely moving , apparently expecting me to remain frozen in fear . I made it to the steps and locked the door once I had ascended . I spent the rest of my shift with all the lights on around the monitor desk , wide awake and watching every corner for movement . I was still like that when Lester came and I let him in . My hand was still shaking as I wrote " AC " on all the hour entries on the sheet . His eyes got large when he looked at my face . " Aw , geez , " he said . " Listen man , I . . . I owe you an apology . " " Wait , " I said . " This whole thing 's been a joke ? " I thought of the thing in the row next to me , of the journal that must have been planted for me to find , of the stench of something long dead . " Not all of it , " he said . " But if you heard anything weird last night , someone trying to get in at the back , or something , that was just us . We thought it would be fun to give you a little scare . " " Heard ? " I exclaimed . " I didn 't just hear you idiots , I saw you ! What did you do , rig up some kind of Halloween prop ? Let off some stink bombs ? That wasn 't funny . I 've never been so scared in my life ! " " What ? " Gerry seemed very confused . " We planned to come in through the back while you were on your rounds and scare you , but there 's something wrong with the lock on the back door . We couldn 't get it open . We never got in the building once Mike left . I just . . . felt bad and wanted to apologize . " Let me start by saying , thanks for reading . You guys have been amazing to me . I started this blog when I wasn 't even sure what blogs were , or what I wanted to do with mine . I never dreamed that in just five short years , I 'd have such a large , and loyal , group of readers . Even the trolls , I thank you as well , because every time I get a comment , my hit count goes up and that adds to the revenue I collect from my sponsors . Each and every one of you who have read , liked , disliked , commented or flamed has helped me go from just another college kid to a person who can make a living doing what he loves ; writing . Anyway , I 'm saying all this because I wanted to announce that I 'll be moving to a new URL starting in two weeks . I 've decided that today will be my last post on this blog because there 's going to be a ton of work involved in my next venture . I 'll be joining the ever - expanding ranks of the professional bloggers on nuviews . org . I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to be working with these amazing people . Blogging never felt like a real job before , even with the ad revenue I was generating , but now , now I feel like I 've found my calling . I 'll be writing the same stuff I 've always written , but now it 's actually my job . My old content will still be at this url , but new content will be available at http : / / caffeinehead . nuviews . org starting in two weeks . I 'll still be blogging about as often , but it will be there , not here . I wanted to move my entire back catalog with me , but apparently there 's some potential legal snarls there , and it might work out as too expensive . So , loyal readers , please bookmark the above link and be sure to share it with people you know who read my page on a perhaps more sporadic level than you and might miss this message . Some of you might think that because I 've moved , I 'm gonna start holding back a bit with my viewpoints as to what 's happening , but really , guys . The fantastic folks at newviews . org would not have wanted me if they didn 't want my opinions . So , if you thought I was gonna start pulling my punches or changing my opinions , think again . Sorry , trolls . Then again , no , I 'm not sorry , and really , you aren 't either . You come here to be entertained by me , anyway . I know you do , no need to lie about it . Last week , as I 'm sure many of you have heard , the lie - spreading time waster known as Wikipedia got hit with a massive hack and was offline for over 48 hours . I want to stress that I was not involved , though I have nothing but love for the hackers that accomplished it . Hopefully soon the web 's most infamous deceit factory will be completely unable to spew its filth . I am not in contact with the hackers but I hope their next target is snopes . com . As I 'm sure my readers know , I cannot believe how easy it is to mislead so many people at once . Make a website , get some views , suddenly you 're an authority . Wikipedia allows its readers to generate content . How do they know the content being generated isn 't a lie ? Sure , they have to provide citations , but a citation can just be a link to another lying website , like snopes . How do I know snopes is a group of lying scumbags ? Simple . Just go check their page on Impetus Sand . They say Impetus Sand is a myth . A fraud , conducted by conspiracy theorists . Folks , you know that 's ridiculous . I have seen Impetus Sand in action with my own eyes , and I 'm certain you all have , as well . In fact , just the other day I was speaking with a man while riding the bus , and it hit me halfway through the conversation that I was speaking with a man who did not exist . He might have existed once , but no longer . He was a construct ; a being formed from Impetus Sand . What tipped me off was that at one point he stopped , mid - sentence , blinked his eyes , and started his entire sentence over again , same inflection and everything . He had to reset himself . I see it all the time , but you don 't have to believe me . Just check out this link at http : / / optimumscience . net / archives / 10 / 06 / 05 / the _ impossible _ polymer and have a look at what Dr . Magnus Ellison has to say about it . He 's looked at Impetus Sand under a microscope . Wonder how long it will be before the government disappears him . Anyway , my point is that sites like Wikipedia , Snopes , Drudge . com and others exist mainly to keep us coddled , with the wool over our eyes , never questioning the official story . Even google gives you the hits they want you most to see first . They have created a generation of people who will only believe something if one of these " reputable " websites tell them it 's true . What is true anymore ? It 's certainly not " verifiable fact " because there 's nothing verifiable in anything either site gives us , while stuff like Impetus Sand is proven and verifiable , but you won 't catch these sites talking to you about it . This was not a great Christmas season for me , and I don 't have any fear of telling you why . Most of you know I 've gotten death threats before , and to be honest , I 'm proud of them , because being threatened just tells me that they consider me a threat . But over the Christmas season , the threats started being launched at my new employers at nuviews . org , including a virus that got sent to my bosses ' computers . The link I provided last week at optimumscience . net is down now , and in fact , when I google " Magnus Ellison " I get zero hits . They 've done it ; they 've unpersoned him . I have little doubt that in a few months , he or someone suspiciously similar will return to his job as though nothing happened , and will deny that such a thing as Impetus Sand exists . But it won 't be him , not really . His wife will call him the same man , his kids will call him Daddy , but he 'll just be a construct . Of course , pains are being taken to ensure that they can 't find where I am . There are umpteen different proxies and redirects surrounding my IP address , which changes every day . That 's one of the reasons I wanted to work with nuviews . org , but , it appears that they 've managed to infiltrate their offices somehow . I 'm going to be speaking with the CEO at nuviews . org to ensure that this sort of thing can be prevented in the future . I 'm also going to refrain from posting links in my blogs from now on . If I have something to share , I 'm now only going to do it through private messages . This way I will also be able to ensure that people who are clicking on my links are actually interested and reading what 's there . I had an interesting conversation with my brother - in - law today . He likes a good conspiracy theory himself , or at least , he used to . Today he seemed different . More withdrawn . I brought up my old post on the Orpheus Device , which , as some of you may remember , casts a field over you so that literally you are a walking radio to them . You don 't have to use a cell phone or speak in a place where there 's technology around . All you have to do is just speak . Of course , I have screens up around my house which filter sound and add white noise to anything they here , so we were safe to talk , but he still acted like he didn 't want to talk about it . In fact , he is far from the first person that 's started reacting strangely when I talk about my latest online discoveries . Yesterday my neighbor gave me the strangest look when I mentioned Wikipedia , as if she 'd never heard of it . Hmm . It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my friends and family have been gotten to . I don 't think all of them have been replaced with constructs , though I know a few have . This is a mild concern , because it makes me feel like they 're closing in on my location . My wife started acting abnormally when she switched to a new moisturizer . I don 't know how many times I warned her to never do that , in fact to pretty much only use what hygiene products you have to , and even then to make sure you buy them from places like the Dollar Store or other places that it 's unfashionable to shop in . Nanoseeds are in everything , these days . The more you use it , the more you likely have in you , altering the way you think , getting you to suppress the desire to think too much about what you hear , what you read . I 'm sure I have some Nanoseeds in me ; it 's unavoidable . I tried for a few months boiling and refrigerating jugs of tap water and only drinking that , but I kept running out of the boiled stuff and needing to drink something , so I 'd break down and have a glass of water straight from the tap . I do my best to counter - act whatever Nanoseeds I might have by relentlessly fighting against any urge I might have to just forget about this stuff for a while and enjoy life . In fact , even today I find myself just plain tired of having to worry about everything like this . I find myself wanting to just say " screw it " , take down my screens , cancel my blog and just live like the other sheep live . After all , would it be so bad ? I know it would improve my marriage , would improve my relations with others in my neighborhood . In fact , I think those Nanoseeds are starting to convince people that the things I blog about , even the stuff that other websites acknowledge as true , don 't actually exist . My wife blew up on me the other day during an argument , telling me that there is no such thing as newsmax . com . She honestly believes that no such website exists . I offered to fire up my laptop and show her , and she just yelled " There you go with that laptop bullshit again ! " She didn 't even want to look . My brother - in - law won 't even speak to me anymore . He might actually be a construct now , but if he were , wouldn 't he be trying to influence me away from my so - called delusions instead of breaking off contact ? No , I don 't think they 've gotten to him . I think he 's just becoming more afraid of what they can do . Lately , though , I 'm not so sure but what nuviews . org hasn 't been bought . I was recently warned about my content . My content hasn 't changed in five years , so I don 't know why they 'd hire me if they think they can make me say different things from what I believe . I 'm not going to back down . It 's important for people to know this stuff . There are so few of us who have discovered the truth , so many who would rather just swallow whatever pablum they 're given and go along to get along . I thought nuviews . org would help me to spread the word . Now I 'm starting to wonder if they 're not part of the problem . This will be my last post on nuviews . org . A representative of theirs called me today . He didn 't even have to tell me ; I could hear it in his voice . He was a construct . Tell me something , people . You can see my posts , right ? You have computers , right ? You surf the net , right ? I ask because today my wife told me today that she was through with my delusions , that she was taking me to see someone , that she would prove to me once and for all that this silly thing called the " internet " was not real and that in fact , " computers " are giant machines that only the government and prestigious universities can use , so the idea of a laptop was absurd . She told me that my laptop is only a briefcase . It 's happening . They 're unpersoning me . First they got me questioning myself on the bigger stuff , wondering if Nanoseeds , Impetus Sand or Orpheus Devices even exist , and now making me question even if I have readers , a blog , or so much as a computer . I refuse to allow myself to question it . My wife is the delusional one , not me . She 's the one who let more Nanoseeds get inside her thanks to that new moisturizer brand . It 's not going to work . They 're not going to unperson me . - CaffeineHead Out of nowhere I got an email from my brother - in - law . He wants to meet with me . He wants to discuss a few things he 's learned and make sure I can defend myself . He apologized for disappearing , but explained that he realized he was being followed around on a daily basis by men who were doing their best to look innocuous but were always there , every time he examined his surroundings . I hope this isn 't a trick . I 'm going to meet with him today but I am truly afraid that this isn 't what it seems . If all goes well , I 'll blog about it later . " It 's so strange , Dr . Winthrop . My husband was a normal man until five and a half years ago , and then he started talking about strange things like laptops , and blogs and this Internet or Interweb thingy . He would spend hours at a time just staring at an open briefcase , as though there were people in there talking to him . " " Not talking to him , Mrs . Lyman . Reading what he supposedly wrote and replying . We 've seen this delusion in others , a sort of mass psychosis which affects only about one out of a hundred people , but the delusion they share is so real to them that when they discuss it with each other , you could almost believe they 're talking about something real . Of course , in most cases , it 's harmless . They just think they 're getting the latest updates on their favorite singers , or actors . They think they 're sharing photos or brief statements with each other . But in other cases , such as your husband 's , the delusion turns paranoid . But rest assured , your husband will get the treatment he needs . " Orton managed to work around Lyman 's efforts to alert Linda , Orton 's sister and Lyman 's wife , of our existence . Her Nanoseeds have convinced her that she has delivered her husband into psychiatric care , and that the internet , even laptops , do not exist . It may be necessary to program all Nanoseeds to believe this within the next five years , as more and more websites like nuviews . org are springing up . I recommend once again cutting off the source of such sites rather than simply taking over each site as we discover them . Linda Lyman is the 1 , 395 , 983th individual we have had to reprogram to believe that the Internet does not exist . Eventually one of them will say the wrong thing and alert more people to our presence . Posted by But I had tried doing the companionship thing , and it never seemed to be for me . I had a girlfriend for two years , but she left me because I rarely wanted to go out with her friends , preferring to stay home , just the two of us . The feeling that was most prominent after she left was relief . I also tried hanging out with a group of people I met online . As in , hanging out with them in the real world . I did this because my ex - girlfriend told me I needed to get out more , to meet people , to come out of my shell . I realized after hanging out with them that I liked my shell better . Again , it 's not that I didn 't like them . I 'm just not a hang - out kind of person . I 'm not an Asperger 's patient or anything . I can have conversations , I can be friendly . I 've stopped to help strangers on the side of the road who were having car trouble . I 've helped people move who I barely knew . I 've donated blood just because I could . I 've volunteered at a homeless shelter . It 's just a matter of preferring to stay in on a Friday night with a good book , when having a group of friends would mean I 'd feel obligated to go out instead . I woke up , and the first thing I noticed was that the power was out . I live in an older building just south of downtown . The kind of place where the carpet in the halls is stained all over with god - knows - what , the paint on the walls is chipped and peeling , in many places the ceiling is just a collection of exposed pipes , the elevators make odd noises like they 're straining on even the lightest load , and the whole place carries the heady bouquet of booze , cigarettes and weed . The power 's gone out before . The last time it happened , it didn 't come back on for two days . I had just gone grocery shopping the day before . Sucks having to throw out stuff you just bought . So , when I woke , my first feeling was irritation . " They had better not take forever getting it back on this time , " I muttered . Now , where you live , the power probably mostly goes out only after a storm , fire or heavy snowfall . In my building , with wiring that was probably installed during the Ford administration and hadn 't really been upgraded since , the power could go out at any time of the year , and needed no outside catalyst to do so . So it never crossed my mind to wonder why , on a wet - but - not - stormy day in April , the power would go out like this . My alarm clock was dead , of course , so I checked the time on my phone . I swore and leaped into the shower , not caring that the water was ice cold , and that I couldn 't see my hand in front of my face . Even if I walked out the door this very minute , I was going to be an hour late for work . I hate being late . I usually try to be at least fifteen minutes early . It 's a weird side - effect of introverts that we 're usually pretty anal retentive about being on time . Now , this is probably when I first felt it ; that sense of unease . I did my best to ignore it , because I wasn 't a child anymore , and feelings like that are just your mind running away on you . But it was hard to ignore , and not just because of the total darkness of the stairwell . It was because I realized at that point that I had not seen another human being that entire morning . This , by itself , was not an alarming thing . I had often made it to the elevator before without seeing another person . However , while descending into the dark , holding my phone before me , LED light shining , I realized a couple of things that seemed out of place . First , I heard no noise coming from behind any of the other apartments ' doors , which I should have considering the air was off . Second , I was late . I usually left for work before the rush , but today I was leaving at the same time that a lot of other people should be . On an ordinary day , maybe some of them took the elevator and few took the stairs , but today , they all should be on the stairs with me . When I got to the ground floor , things got even stranger . When I had first opened my windows , I had failed to notice just how still the morning was . But I noticed now . The only cars on the street were parked . Not another soul was in sight . The businesses at street level didn 't appear open or closed ; they were just dark and empty . I swallowed the lump of fear that was rising in my throat and told myself that there had to be a good reason for this . But my mind was refusing to accept that . It was 8 : 30 AM on a Tuesday . The streets should be deluged with cars , the sidewalks filled up with people . There should be noise , there should be life . But the only sound was the light wind that wailed between buildings . One ring . Two . Three . Several more . Then voice mail . My boss 's bored voice saying " please leave a message " was the first voice other than my own that I had heard all morning . I opened up a browser and started checking local news . But there wasn 't anything new since yesterday . In fact , my connection was sluggish and eventually dropped out completely . I tried calling a co - worker , the only co - worker whose number I had . He had been the one to offer it to me . Others were always trying to reach out . That wasn 't something I did . He didn 't answer either . I began to wonder if the power outage was affecting the cell towers in the area . Could the power really be out for that wide an area ? I went back to the stairs , phone LED light on again , and began climbing . My apartment was on the eighth floor . I 'm not in the best of shape , and my legs were starting to ache by the third flight . It was the fourth flight , though , when the light on my phone began to fade and then went out completely . " No , no , no ! " I whispered . I thumbed the home button . I then remembered that the phone had not charged during the night as it normally would have . There would have been just enough power left for the one phone call and momentary surfing , plus these trips with the light on . I must have ignored the low power warning , and now it was too late . The phone was a paperweight . " Piece of shit , " I muttered . Somehow I already knew to keep my voice to a whisper . I put the phone back in its clip and stood on the stairs for a moment , calming down . You 'd think I would be glad to know that another person was still around . You 'd think that after noticing how empty my world was all of a sudden , that I 'd be relieved to know that I was not alone . And for a moment , I tried to tell myself that I was . The footsteps were slow , inexorable . They echoed through the darkness like the slow drumbeat before a death march . They were somewhat soft , at first , though I could tell the feet that made their tread was heavy . But they were getting nearer . From their sound , they were less than two flights below me . I didn 't think . I bolted up the stairs . I paused at the top of every flight to listen . They kept coming . I thought of calling out , but every instinct said that would be foolish . I tried telling myself it was just my misanthropy rearing its ugly head again , but this feeling wasn 't a mere wish to be by myself for a while . Every sense I had told me that in this unnatural stillness , this unthinkable emptiness , that nothing should be moving . I had not heard so much as the bark of a dog from within this building . But something else was here besides me . I knew , at the core of my being , that it wasn 't supposed to be there . I reached my floor and headed out into the hallway . I paused at the door after pulling it closed and listened . Those footsteps continued , not even having increased their pace . They sounded much closer . The hallway was empty , as I knew it would be . I pulled myself away from the door and listened . My own heartbeat , hammering in my ears , and my heavy breathing were the only sounds I heard . There was a window at the end of the hallway , letting in dim grey light , but it was still hard to see . I began walking left . The hallway had an intersection up ahead . I turned right , the direction of my apartment , and kept walking . Behind me , I heard the door to the stairwell open . The footsteps , still slow but unrelenting , started down the hallway . I waited . Maybe they had turned in the other direction . But no , they were getting louder . Coming toward me . I turned and walked quickly in the direction of my apartment . I didn 't run . If I ran , I would make more noise . I tried to keep my breathing quiet as well . I reached my apartment , but still heard those footsteps behind me . At any moment their owner would turn the corner . I reached for my keys , but a new thought struck me . The footsteps sounded close enough that this . . . person . . . could turn the corner just as I was closing the door . Then my one safe hiding place would be exposed . Thinking quickly , I turned and ran as quietly as I could in the same direction as before , heading for the other stairwell on this floor . And then I began to feel a little silly . After all , why was I so convinced that this person was pursuing me ? I was the only person I had seen today , but that was the unnatural thing , not the sudden appearance of another person . Somehow , some incident , a disaster or abduction or rapture , or whatever , had emptied my neighborhood , but left me behind , and if I was still here , why would I assume that no one else was ? This person could just be someone else who lived on the eighth floor , likely just as confused and terrified as I was . I shook my head and laughed at myself , but I stuck with my plan . I circled around the building , headed for the other stairwell . Reaching it , I began to climb up . . . I instantly flew back down the stairs and back into the hallway , running full tilt for the very stairs I had just come down , bolting back up them . I cautiously opened the door back on my floor , listening . No steps as of yet . All thoughts of the footsteps belonging to another confused , frightened person had left my mind . Those heavy treads did not belong to a person who was in the same situation as me . They did not sound frightened , or confused . They were purposeful . A purpose that I knew could not be good . This time , I reached my apartment and managed to get inside . I locked the door , the deadbolt , and secured the chain on the door . I stood there for a second , feeling like that wasn 't enough , and finally put a chair under the knob . Then I went into the living room and huddled against the large window . For a very long time , nothing happened . And then I heard them again . There was no doubt in my mind now that the footsteps were coming for me . They trod , persistently , inescapably closer , starting to slow further as they reached my apartment door . They stopped . Just on the other side of my door , something waited , possibly listening for me , but knowing beyond a doubt that I was inside . I thought I could smell something from the hall . Something that smelled . . . hot . That 's the only way I can describe it . It smelled hot . I waited . It waited . The silence was palpable . I felt that the air between us had solidified , waiting , as the world did , for the inevitable . My doorknob rattled . First a little , then vigorously . I sat there , numb , my breath coming in short gasps , my heart beating so fast it felt like a continuous pressure in my chest . Finally the rattling stopped . I slowly pulled myself away from the window and fired up my laptop . Unlike my phone , it had not been on all night and the battery was still fully charged . I don 't know if anyone is still out there to read this . I don 't even know how long the internet will continue to work . I never needed people before today , but I sure need them now . Being a misanthrope has its oddities , but no situation I 've been in has been more odd than this . He lived far from where his three children had settled . Grandma died when I was a small child , and he ended up remarrying another woman a few years later who demanded that he move out west so that she could be nearer to her sons . She was a piece of work , was Grandma Hester . We all wondered how Grandpa could stand her . It turns out that perhaps he could not . We 're not precisely sure when he developed dementia , but it was probably years before we noticed it . He 'd tell us about people he was speaking to , or visiting with , or a trip he took . Years later , after we learned he was suffering from dementia , we 'd learn that conversation , that visit or that trip never actually happened . For all we really know , any story he told us from the last decade and a half leading up to his coming back east could be a false memory . We would have no way of knowing . Hester rarely communicated with us herself . Probably our first clue that Grandpa wasn 't himself anymore happened a few weeks after he came back east to live with my parents . Most of the family had settled in one area ; my wife and I lived in the south end of our city , as did one set of cousins , but my father and his two sisters all lived in the north , within driving distance of each other . A few of my aunts ' children had moved out of town , and my brother had as well , but there were still enough of us around that Grandpa could visit with . We would often have gatherings at my parents ' house where Grandpa would either hold court with some story or would go to sleep . Later that same month , he told my aunts and uncles the story of how he came out east after living with Hester got to be too much . " I prayed to the Lord , " said Grandpa . " And the next thing I knew , Martin was there . " Martin was my father . I remembered him driving out to the tiny , cold house on a hill in Colorado to get Grandpa . He had not come due to any divine intervention . He had come because Grandpa called him in the night and pleaded with him to come get him . We all loved Grandpa , but caring for him was not easy . For one thing , Grandpa had gotten it into his head that he was a young , single man with many years ahead of him , and the only thing missing was a young woman at his side . If he spoke for any length of time with a younger woman , he became convinced that she was in love with him , and that perhaps she should be his new bride . Hester was even still alive at this point . He had forgotten her utterly . Dad and Mom didn 't let him go on walks by himself , but that didn 't mean he didn 't sneak away sometimes when Dad was away and Mom was in the basement . He had to use a walker to get around , and simply couldn 't do stairs , but refused to admit this to anyone , including himself , leading to a lot of falls . He would also get confused as to where he was , or where he lived . At times , during his walks , he would attempt to find the old family home that he raised my father and aunts in , despite it having been long gone since before I was born . Dad picked him up from a police station , where he had been taken after some patrol officers saw him wandering around , clearly lost . The time he tried to drive Dad 's car was after that . He decided that the reason he got lost is because he had to walk . He managed to get the E - break off and rolled right down the fairly steep incline outside my parents ' house , crashing into a fence . The damage was minimal , but after that incident , my parents realized he needed to be in a full time care facility . My father visited him three times a week . I have no idea how often my aunts went , or if they even did . I tended to only go when there was a family gathering , and increasingly I began to realize that he had no clue who I was . He 'd smile and greet me as though I was someone he had just met . He 'd tell me about his children , describing them as " little kids " , and even going as far as to invent a friend who was looking after them while he was in this home with " all these old people . " Grandpa was 93 at the time . He was much older than many of the others who lived there . But somehow , they were the " old people " , while he was not . But he had never been violent before . That changed one night when Dad was called to come to the facility quickly . Grandpa had wandered into the wrong room , and had come out screaming , raising his walker up in the air and slamming it into the ground , taking a few swings at people who tried to calm him down . He began accusing the staff of stealing his things . He was bellowing as loud as he could : " Give them back ! Give them back ! " When Dad got there , they had gotten him into his room , and he was somewhat appeased . Somewhat . He had a can of Ensure in a tube sock , and almost hit my father in the head with it when he came in . He apologized ( Dad was one of the few people he always recognized ) , and said he had been waiting for " the thief " to come back . " A man who 'd steal from me 'd just as soon kill me , " he explained . The Ensure - in - a - sock was his weapon to fend off the thief . He told Dad about the men who had come to give him all his things back . " They put it all back , just like it was , " he said . " Didn 't take ' em long . " Later that night , he told Dad about how much it had scared Florence . He hated that she 'd had to go through that . Florence was my grandmother ; the one who died when I was six . He finished by saying that Florence had gone somewhere , and when he went looking for her : " They told me she was dead . One day , they 're gonna come looking for me , and they 're gonna find me dead . " That was a jolt to my father . Grandpa had never , at any point before that , acknowledged his mortality , his advanced age , or the fact that he had probably no more than a handful of years left at best . Aging , and death , was something that happened to other people . But here he was , accepting that death was near . That wasn 't the last night he mentioned the thief . He even gave the thief a name ; Charlie Rosen . It was strange that he would invent a whole person , name included . He didn 't even name the friend who was looking after his kids . In fact , that person ceased to exist ; Charlie Rosen had stolen his kids . Had killed Florence . Had come to his home in Colorado and routinely taunted him , beat him , and he even declared that Hester had been sleeping with him . He remembered her now , and was certain that she and Charlie were ganging up on him to make his life a living hell . In the last six months of his life , he would become increasingly agitated . Dad could not have a single visit wherein Grandpa would not mention Charlie . And then the violence started up again . In one visit , Grandpa accused Dad of being Charlie , and attacked him . After that , Dad 's visits dropped to once a week , and he didn 't stay long . Once , I went with him . It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive , and I will never forget it . " Charlie was here again today , " Grandpa told us as soon as we arrived . " He told me I couldn 't leave this room anymore . He 's trapped me here . " " Dad , this is where you live , " my father tried to explain . " See , here 's a picture of Mother . Why would Charlie let you keep that ? " " Mother had an aneurysm , " said Dad . " You and I decided together to unplug the machine . She died in her sleep , but no one killed her . " " No , no , it was Charlie . " Grandpa 's voice was not agitated . It was solid , like he knew for a fact what he was saying . " He poisoned her . Made something go wrong in her head . I didn 't know it then , but I realized it later , after he introduced me to Hester . Conned me into marrying her . He 's my personal demon , that Charlie . " Dad finally had had enough . " There is no Charlie ! " he said , nearly shouting . You aren 't supposed to correct people who have dementia ; it just confuses them more and makes them upset . But my father forgot this in that moment . " Charlie is someone you made up ! Mother died naturally , you met Hester at a coffee shop years after Mother died , and while she was not a nice woman , she was not unfaithful to you ! Please , stop talking about Charlie ! " " Dear Lord in Heaven , " said Grandpa . " He got to you . He told you to say these things . You 're part of it too ! " " I don 't want to play any fucking checkers ! " screamed Grandpa . I couldn 't have been more surprised if he 'd hit me . Grandpa had never used profanity in his life . " By - words " , as he called them , were only used by bad men , as far as he was concerned . " Not with you ! Not with him ! Charlie Rosen 's pet demons ! He comes to me every day . He talks to me about Florence . He taunts me . He reads my mind and he takes thoughts away and puts in new ones , worse ones . He tells me about how he rapes my little ones . How he and Hester keep them half - starved and chained in their basement . I can 't stop him ! He can go inside my mind ! He 's controlling me ! " We left after that , without saying goodbye . Driving home , I almost wanted to cry . This kind , loving man was ending his days as a raving , violent lunatic . It wasn 't right . It wasn 't fair . What kind of monster was this Charlie ? That thought stopped me cold . For an instant , I had accepted that Charlie was real . Giving my head a shake , I resolved to think about something else . But an image of Charlie had been forming in my mind , beginning a few months back , when Grandpa had first started talking about him . I only now realized that when Grandpa spoke of this demonic man , I was picturing him in my mind , and I could see him as clearly as I could memories of real people . I thought of the last time I had visited Grandpa in that tiny house in the mountains of Colorado , when I was a teenager , sitting at that little round table while Hester served us some of her inedible glop , and I would see a man standing in the corner of the kitchen , watching us eat . A tall , gangly man with leathery skin stretched over sharp - looking bone and corded muscle . Shaggy grey hair hanging down , obscuring the upper part of his face , his smile stretching like a knife - slash across his jaw . I thought of the wedding . I was twelve years old . I met Hester for the first time . And standing a ways behind her was that same man . I remember a family gathering at the facility Grandpa was concurrently staying at . Didn 't we pass that man in the hall once ? No , of course not . These were just images my mind had cooked up the more Grandpa talked about this shady character that never existed . The brain can do that ; insert false people in your memory just because you decide , subconsciously , to remember them . It doesn 't mean you 're insane ; it 's just another way for your brain to play tricks on you . Grandpa had invented a person who he talked about with such conviction , as though Charlie was real . So my mind had conjured up a Charlie Rosen . But there was no Charlie Rosen . Everything was normal at the start . My parents , my aunts and uncles , my wife and I , and our children , my brother and his wife , and their son , my cousins , their spouses and their children , we all gathered under the same roof for the first time in years . No one was missing . No one was out of town and couldn 't make it . Two of my cousins I hadn 't seen since they were children . It was nice to catch up with them . The service was nice , as well . The pastor who served the spiritual needs at Grandpa 's facility was the officiator . Grandpa looked calm and peaceful , whole , so unlike what he had been in the last few months of life . I started to feel calm myself ; Grandpa was where he belonged now , where the devils of his own fevered , decaying brain couldn 't get to him anymore . And then we drove to the cemetery . The coffin was lowered . We all sprinkled a handful of dirt on the coffin and began our walk back to the cars . And then the gravedigger came out of the shadows to start shoveling the rest of the dirt . I could barely read the embroidered name tag on his coveralls . It looked like " C . Rose " or " C . Risen " . Or . . . no . It couldn 't be . He was tall , gangly , with leathery skin , sharp - looking bones , corded muscle , long grey hair . And that smile . That smile that haunts my nightmares to this day . Today , I felt like I had to write all this down . To make sure I remember it all , before things get worse . Because today , my father called me to complain that Charlie was driving past his house and staring in his windows . I 'm very worried about my son . More than worried , at this point . Terrified . His behavior these past few weeks is not normal , not healthy . It makes me think there 's something wrong . At first , he would just come and stand at the door way . He did this at night , just before I 'd be ready to fall asleep . I 'd roll over to turn off the lamp , and he 'd be standing there , in the doorway . I used to try to speak to him . I don 't do that anymore . He never has answered me . He just stares . A couple of days ago , he graduated from standing in the doorway to coming in and sitting on the bed . He still doesn 't speak . I have asked him what he wants . I 've asked him if anything is bothering him . It 's not like him to be so quiet . He usually waits until my wife is asleep . That 's the part that gets me . She always falls asleep before me , and he has never come in when she 's awake . But then , she didn 't have a hand in this . If something doesn 't change soon , I don 't know what I 'm gonna do . I 'm starting to feel like he knows that I 'm the one who killed him . |
My flight landed three hours late . I was beyond exhausted . I can 't sleep on planes . I waited for my luggage looking like a zombie and feeling even worse . My car sat where I 'd parked it five days ago . It looked like a woman waiting in the door for her cheating husband who 'd been gone three hours longer than he 'd said he 'd be . I schlepped to the trunk and heaved in my suitcase . At the time I didn 't even notice that no one else was going to their car , despite the flight having been booked to maximum . It was November 12th . Snow wasn 't falling yet , but was threatening to . The lights in the parkade glared in my eyes and beyond the lot I could see only blackness . I put the key into the ignition and pulled out , leaving the airport behind and heading west on Highway 348 . Within just a couple of miles I realized I was surrounded on all sides by a dense fog worthy of a John Carpenter movie . I wasn 't bugged so much by that as the fact that my headlights were reflecting little back to me other than a swirling wall of white . The street lights were more hindrance than help . I switched to low beams and drove a bit slower than normal . The fog was thicker than cotton . I could see only a few feet ahead . Passing a streetlight meant momentary light - blindedness . I began to feel disoriented , as if I was driving through clouds . After a while , the streetlights ended and my own headlights were the only light source around . I turned on the radio , but was met with low - humming static on every station . It only added to the rudderless feeling in my bones . I was a sailor on a tiny skiff adrift in strange , silent waters . I could see glimpses of landscape here and there beside the road . Open fields with unknown crops , the odd scarecrow , but no houses . No people . No other cars . For the first time , I realized that I was utterly alone . I have always enjoyed the comforting quiet of chosen solitude . This was not that . This was the quiet of the crypt . There was no movement within the fog , aside from the odd tree waving slightly in the low early winter breeze . I could hear the running of my tires against the asphalt . I could hear the low hiss of the heater . I could hear my own heart beating in my ears . These noises seemed to shout in the stillness . And then , as if summoned from the ethereal fog , two pinpricks of light sprouted in my rear - view . Seeing them , my heart began to thud more loudly . There is nothing less natural than the feeling of utter isolation except for when that isolation is broken just when you have begun to accept it . The headlights from behind crept closer . Their approach filled me with an inexplicable terror that gnawed at the edges of my vision , making the world tremor before my eyes . I was suddenly sure that whoever was in that car was following me , had been searching for me , and would hunt me . An off - ramp became evident in the fog . My rational self surfaced just long enough to remind myself that I was already on the correct road , but . . . was I ? Had I passed endless fields with no houses on the way out to the airport ? Were there not streetlights for mile after mile on the correct road ? Was I perhaps already lost ? " If he 's not following me , he 'll keep going , " I whispered to myself . This was pure folly , of course . The driver could live on this road . It was I who had taken the wrong path , but that didn 't mean it was the wrong path for everyone . The lights followed me . To my fevered mind , they were no longer headlights , but malevolent eyes , hunting me through the darkness , glowing their eldritch glow as they searched for me . I kept driving , trying to talk myself into believing that I being ridiculous , but as the headlights grew closer , the more like eyes they seemed . A sudden thought rose in my mind . What if the car belonged to a police officer who just wanted to tell me a tail light was out ? I didn 't think either of my tail lights were , but what if my license plate light was out ? This time it was my rational self that knocked that thought down . A police officer doesn 't follow you for miles without so much as flashing his red - and - blues or sounding his siren . I was so preoccupied with the lights in my rear - view that I failed to notice that I should be seeing streetlights again by now . I had been driving in the other direction , headed back to the airport , for a good hour before I realized that , aside from my headlights and the ones behind me , there were no other light sources whatsoever . The fog was still thick , but translucent in patches . I still saw nothing but endless fields . This entire ordeal had gone far enough . I pulled over . As I was now certain it would , the car behind me , if car it was , pulled over as well . I steeled myself , screwing my courage to the sticking point , as the saying goes . I didn 't have a gun . The closest thing I had to a weapon was an 18 - inch crescent wrench that was old and rusty . It was laying in my back seat . I picked it up and got out . Viewing the lights from this angle made it clear that they were indeed headlights . The only question now was what sort of person was following me , and why . I conjured up a picture of a faceless man in a long coat with a hood over his face . . . . it was a tiny Honda Civic , painted an almost purplish shade of blue . Seated at the wheel was a thin man with thick horn - rims . He was losing his hair . The man was hardly looking at me . His eyes darted about in the fog . " I . . . uh . . . " he said . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " " Your car was the only one I 've seen in over three hours , " he said . His voice was high and tinny . " I don 't know where I am . . . where . . . where we are . I thought if I didn 't let your car out of my sight that maybe . . . maybe we 'd get out of here . Wherever this is . " " Start making sense , moron , " I said . I was starting to feel justifiably angry . " We 're on Highway 348 . You probably came from the airport the same way I did ! " " Airport ? " The guy seemed utterly mystified . " There 's . . . there 's no airport around here . I was on the road from Kingsport to visit my sister in Bristol . Wait , what highway did you say this was ? " " Ah . . . actually , " he began , then broke off in a fit of bitter laughter . " I . . . ha ha . . . I don 't think it 's either place . Look around you , friend . Do you think we 're still anywhere we should be ? " Until he said this , I had been focused entirely on him . Him and that tiny little car . The fog shifted all about us , and I could see as little as before . Except . . . I realized that I could see more now . Both our cars were turned off now . No lights shown around us at all except a thin , wan glow that filtered through the fog like a tea light through a diaphanous curtain . I saw how still everything remained . . . but then , nothing was still . Silently , as though walking on pure air , shapes were moving through the fog . Gigantic , monstrous shapes . They writhed and danced in the low light , and what I could see of them made me feel quite certain that they should not exist . They boiled together in obscene movements , never ceasing , never confirming their own eldritch shapes to my unbelieving eyes . I saw a giant being with arms protruding from all sides ushering thousands of smaller versions of itself through the curtain of fog . Summers when I was a kid were spent at my grandmothers 's place . At the time , my parents didn 't have cable , so I spent a lot - and I mean a lot - of time in front of her TV watching whatever I could find that was even a little entertaining . I remember a lot of it , but there 's other stuff that exists as fragments of memory and to this day I have no idea if I was hallucinating or if this stuff really exists somewhere . The first was a scene with several old men sitting around the table . It looked like it was filmed on video , and I remember the men having British accents , though , since I lived in the south , it could very well have been New York accents and it would have sounded just as foreign to me . Anyway , they 're just having a meeting of some sort or another when one of them suddenly says " . . . what 's happening to him ? " I don 't remember the name of the man he was pointing out . All I remember is that the camera cut to the man in question and his face was melting . As in , falling right off his skull . It looked like a mudslide with an eyeball or two thrown in . The effects might have been cheap and cheesy , and if I saw it today , I probably wouldn 't think much of it . But at the time it sickened me , and in my memory it looks more realistic than the Nazis having their faces melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Not to mention slower , so you have more time to absorb what 's really happening . To this day that face - melting just shows up in my memory . I have no idea what this is from . Google , again , was no help . As far as the world at large is concerned , this scene did not happen . It was never on television . No one I 've talked to remembers it , even on websites all about trying to pin down various movies and TV series and putting names to them . But I remember . I can 't stop remembering , and I remember just enough so that , while I can 't forget it , I can 't figure out if it was real , either . My grandmother died recently . She was over 80 and Grandpa died a long time ago , so it was time to go through her estate , get it all divvied up and put the house on the market . I wasn 't responsible for most of that , but I did travel upstate for three days to help clear out the attic , basement and bedrooms and help get the house looking sellable . All three nights that I slept there , I kept hearing voices coming from other rooms in the house . Not dreams , because I hadn 't fallen asleep yet . I 'm not the type who generally hears voices , and these were not voices of people I knew . They were the voices from the programs . I would be laying in bed , and from my grandmother 's den where the television was , I would hear a sudden shout of " You 're not my parents ! You can 't be ! " . I would hear robotic , monotonous laughter . " Ha . Ha . Ha . " I would hear " What 's happening to him ? " And here 's the kicker , the reason I decided to make a post about it ; each time I heard these voices , I would go into the den and the TV would be on , showing static . The voices would be silent at that point , but I never turned the TV on . I turned it off each time , only to hear the voices moments later , and realize it had turned back on . My level of education is not sufficient to get hired at the jobs where you make the big bucks . For a long time I cut grass , shoveled sidewalks or flipped burgers . And then there was the time I scored a position as a night watchman at a local office complex . There wasn 't much to the night watchman job . The building is three floors and a basement , most of which is viewable from a bank of monitors in a back room . The building 's in a pretty quiet area of town , and there 's nothing in it to steal , so really , I discovered on my first shift that this was a pretty low - key sort of job . Gerry showed me the ropes , along with the guy I 'd be sharing part of my shift with , a younger guy named Mike . Gerry was nearing sixty , if he wasn 't already past it , but the best you 'd ever get from him was " Forty - five and holding . " Mike was younger than me ; didn 't even look like he 's been out of high school for very long . Gerry was the afternoon security guard who , technically , was in charge of Mike and I . Which is to say that he made sure we kept the sheets properly and caught hell if we didn 't , but he didn 't actually have any authority over us , and never acted like he did . If anything , it was more like three guys who did the same job ; Gerry did his from 4 PM to midnight , Mike came on duty at 5 PM , which is when the business day was officially over , and stayed until 1 AM , and I started at midnight and finished at 8 AM , officially opening the doors in the morning to let in Lester , the morning security guard , whom I rarely ever interacted with . Within a week , I fit into the rhythm of the place very easily . Gerry and Mike were fun guys . I 'd get there in time to hang out with both men for a bit , share a smoke with Mike and Gerry before Gerry departed for the night , and then hung out , joked , smoked and argued with Mike until he left , at which point I 'd usually pick up a novel , play games on my phone or just about anything to keep my mind occupied , until the morning . There were duties other than monitoring the stations , of course . Every hour , on the hour , a full circuit of each floor , and the basement , was necessary , and I was to mark on the sheet that I had done so , and put an " AC " for " all clear " next to my name , unless I found something out of the ordinary , which rarely happened . I was told that at worst I might right down that a light needed replacing or there was a drip in the ceiling somewhere . About three weeks into the job , I first heard the term " Joe the Creep " . Gerry said it in response to something Mike had said . When I think back to the conversation , I can 't really recall what Mike said to prompt him , but Gerry had laughed and said " Yeah , and I 'm gonna let old Joe the Creep get me , too . " Mike laughed back in response . I didn 't pay too much attention then , but after a couple of other references to " Joe the Creep " , I started to get a little curious . It would always be a snide reference of some sort , like " Don 't take too long in the toilet , Mike , Joe the Creep 's probably watching you masturbate " or " Shower before the next shift , okay , Gerry ? You 're starting to smell like Joe the Creep " or even " Dude , the only guy interested in your story is Joe the Creep . " The straw that broke the camel 's back happened on my last night there . I 'd been there for just over three months . You 'll understand in just a bit why I quit the next morning . I was running slightly behind . The bus was late . Mike and Gerry were having a smoke , and I walked up to join them . Everything was normal for the first bit . Gerry was telling a ribald joke , Mike was laughing and hocking spit between each puff , and both greeted me like always when I walked up to the smoking area . So . He was a real person . This was an interesting turn . Up until now he seemed like a story ; an in - joke among the staff . I looked at Gerry and said " Well ? " Gerry took a long puff on his smoke and smiled , looking a little abashed . " Coulda sworn I told you , but oh well . Joe was a guy who used to work here back in . . . I wanna say it was the mid - 80 's but it could have been the late 70 's . He wasn 't here all that long , but while he was here , he made an impression . He didn 't talk much , or at least , not to other people . He would come in , staring at the floor , mumbling to himself . He took his lunch breaks alone , didn 't speak to anyone unless they spoke to him first , didn 't seem to even realize others were around . You 've worked with guys like that , right ? Something 's just a little off ? " " Well , Joe , it turns out , actually was a bit of a creep . He kept writing stuff down in a little notebook , and never would let the rest of us see it , but one day he accidentally dropped it while in the elevator . There was a woman who worked here then , her name was Sue , I think , and she saw just a bit of what was in the notebook . It was enough to make her notify HR about him . " " Sue wasn 't allowed to talk about it , but boy did HR tear him a new one . He got a one - week suspension , and when he came back , he was even worse than before . Now he would stare at people , hardly even blinking , until they looked at him and then he would look away . He did this to me , once , but I told him if I caught him looking at me like that again , we 'd have it out in the parking lot . " But then the day came when a woman came shrieking out of the file room . Turned out that Joe was in there , hiding behind the cabinets and staring at her . Her eye managed to accidentally land on him , and he hissed at her . Nobody saw that but her , but I never had any trouble believing her , and they did find Joe in the copy room , still behind the cabinets . Needless to say , he was fired on the spot , but he asked if he could go get some of his personal files out of the basement before he left . " " Yeah , probably , " said Gerry . " Back then , they didn 't really think about sending someone down with him . They just had a guard wait at the top of the stairs . I mean , you know there 's only one flight of stairs going down there . " " Cliched , isn 't it ? " said Gerry . " Yep . Hanging by his belt . That part I can verify , because when they were carrying out his body , the sheet that was over it slipped a little , and I saw the ligature marks . That was the end of Joe the Creep , or so they say . " " Or so they say ? " I mimicked , wiggling my eyebrows . " Don 't tell me . Joe the Creep haunts the basement to this very day ? " " Well , that part 's the silly part , " said Gerry . " See , there was a rumor that he had stashed that notebook down there , and that was what he was going to get . But for some reason he decided to hang himself instead . And , just like any story , it 's sorta grown since then . Now there 's even a rhyme you 're not supposed to say . " At that , Gerry 's face got a bit red and he seemed to choke a bit on his smoke . " Well , I . . . " he began . " Well , not . . . not really . I started to once , but . . . well , I don 't like to play with stuff like that . Never did the Bloody Mary trick either . I been down in that basement lotsa times , and nothing ever happened , so why play around and invite something like that , right ? " Something felt cold on my neck . Up until that moment , it had all seemed like an amusing story . But Gerry 's reaction was real . He believed in Joe the Creep . Believed enough to never test the legend , apparently . We finished our smokes and went inside . When we got to the security booth , Gerry started packing up his stuff and I realized that we were all three as quiet as the grave . We usually were still laughing and joking at this point . Gerry even stayed quiet when he started heading out , not even saying good night . Mike must have noticed , because a few seconds later , he leapt up and followed him out . I sat at the station monitors and stared at the various rooms as they flashed by . And I thought : Joe the Creep . How silly . But somehow , the image of being watched through a crack in filing cabinets , of a crazy man hissing as I spot him , stayed with me . Joe the Creep , who died in the deep . Don 't close your eyes or he 'll kill you in your sleep . " Nothing , " said Mike , but gave himself away a second later . " Hey , let 's start with the basement this time , okay ? " Usually the basement was last . " Well , listen , man , " said Mike . " If you won 't say it , I 'm gonna say it . But then I 'm not going down there , so it 's up to you if you want to leave it off the rounds for the night . " " I knew you were scared , " said Mike . " You believe in the legend , don 't you ? You 're practically shittin ' in your drawers at the idea of old Joe the Creep coming for you . " But I wasn 't listening . I headed back to the monitor station . Let Mike do the rounds by himself for the rest of his shift , if he was gonna be like that . Oddly enough , he did . By the time his shift was over , he had done two full circuits of all the floors ; all , I noticed , except the basement . He didn 't even so much as crack the doors the rest of the night . I realized I was holding my breath . Stupid of me . Well , I decided enough was enough . I was no child , to believe such silly stories . It was time to man up and do my job . I grabbed my flashlight and notebook , and headed up the stairs . I made my circuit of the top floor , the second floor . Nothing out of the ordinary . The ground floor , where I had started . All clear . The basement was a fairly large room , but smaller in floor space than the above - ground floors . A bank of twelve lights for the entire room were spread out over the ceiling , none of them all that powerful . The basement was a dark room at the best of times . Think the level of lighting in an sub - ground bar at night . The stairs were steep , and they went down surprisingly far . There were stacks of shelves down here that stood anywhere from five feet to fifteen , and the ceiling extended a good ten feet above them . I was pretty far underground . I started my circuit . There were twenty rows . From each one , the one next to it was only visible through tiny spaces between stacked boxes of files . Before I knew what I was doing , I was pulling it down and looking through it . In a scrawling hand , multiple pages were filled with entries . All the ink used was red . As I read them , I realized that if I saw this from a subordinate , my next call would be to the police , not HR . A cartoon head of a woman 's head was drawn crudely next to it . Dots of red were underneath it , and I realized they were meant to represent dripping blood . Her eyes were angry spirals of red . - Steve Linden took my parking space today . He didn 't even apologize . I began to notice a stink in the air . No , not a stink . A fetid stench . It was like someone had let off ten stink bombs right next to me . The air had grown still , and I heard something in the silence . A schlep that sounded wet and rubbery . I shown my flashlight down the row and saw movement in the row next to mine . My blood froze , and I struggled to breathe . The figure continued to walk slowly , inexorably down the row . Within a few short minutes it would round the corner and I would be face to face with it . It turned to look in my direction and my flashlight beam caught it . Barely human features glared back at me . The intense , fevered eyes of madness burned through me . My feet came unglued from their spot and I bolted down the row at top speed . The thing was barely moving , apparently expecting me to remain frozen in fear . I made it to the steps and locked the door once I had ascended . I spent the rest of my shift with all the lights on around the monitor desk , wide awake and watching every corner for movement . I was still like that when Lester came and I let him in . My hand was still shaking as I wrote " AC " on all the hour entries on the sheet . His eyes got large when he looked at my face . " Aw , geez , " he said . " Listen man , I . . . I owe you an apology . " " Wait , " I said . " This whole thing 's been a joke ? " I thought of the thing in the row next to me , of the journal that must have been planted for me to find , of the stench of something long dead . " Not all of it , " he said . " But if you heard anything weird last night , someone trying to get in at the back , or something , that was just us . We thought it would be fun to give you a little scare . " " Heard ? " I exclaimed . " I didn 't just hear you idiots , I saw you ! What did you do , rig up some kind of Halloween prop ? Let off some stink bombs ? That wasn 't funny . I 've never been so scared in my life ! " " What ? " Gerry seemed very confused . " We planned to come in through the back while you were on your rounds and scare you , but there 's something wrong with the lock on the back door . We couldn 't get it open . We never got in the building once Mike left . I just . . . felt bad and wanted to apologize . " Let me start by saying , thanks for reading . You guys have been amazing to me . I started this blog when I wasn 't even sure what blogs were , or what I wanted to do with mine . I never dreamed that in just five short years , I 'd have such a large , and loyal , group of readers . Even the trolls , I thank you as well , because every time I get a comment , my hit count goes up and that adds to the revenue I collect from my sponsors . Each and every one of you who have read , liked , disliked , commented or flamed has helped me go from just another college kid to a person who can make a living doing what he loves ; writing . Anyway , I 'm saying all this because I wanted to announce that I 'll be moving to a new URL starting in two weeks . I 've decided that today will be my last post on this blog because there 's going to be a ton of work involved in my next venture . I 'll be joining the ever - expanding ranks of the professional bloggers on nuviews . org . I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to be working with these amazing people . Blogging never felt like a real job before , even with the ad revenue I was generating , but now , now I feel like I 've found my calling . I 'll be writing the same stuff I 've always written , but now it 's actually my job . My old content will still be at this url , but new content will be available at http : / / caffeinehead . nuviews . org starting in two weeks . I 'll still be blogging about as often , but it will be there , not here . I wanted to move my entire back catalog with me , but apparently there 's some potential legal snarls there , and it might work out as too expensive . So , loyal readers , please bookmark the above link and be sure to share it with people you know who read my page on a perhaps more sporadic level than you and might miss this message . Some of you might think that because I 've moved , I 'm gonna start holding back a bit with my viewpoints as to what 's happening , but really , guys . The fantastic folks at newviews . org would not have wanted me if they didn 't want my opinions . So , if you thought I was gonna start pulling my punches or changing my opinions , think again . Sorry , trolls . Then again , no , I 'm not sorry , and really , you aren 't either . You come here to be entertained by me , anyway . I know you do , no need to lie about it . Last week , as I 'm sure many of you have heard , the lie - spreading time waster known as Wikipedia got hit with a massive hack and was offline for over 48 hours . I want to stress that I was not involved , though I have nothing but love for the hackers that accomplished it . Hopefully soon the web 's most infamous deceit factory will be completely unable to spew its filth . I am not in contact with the hackers but I hope their next target is snopes . com . As I 'm sure my readers know , I cannot believe how easy it is to mislead so many people at once . Make a website , get some views , suddenly you 're an authority . Wikipedia allows its readers to generate content . How do they know the content being generated isn 't a lie ? Sure , they have to provide citations , but a citation can just be a link to another lying website , like snopes . How do I know snopes is a group of lying scumbags ? Simple . Just go check their page on Impetus Sand . They say Impetus Sand is a myth . A fraud , conducted by conspiracy theorists . Folks , you know that 's ridiculous . I have seen Impetus Sand in action with my own eyes , and I 'm certain you all have , as well . In fact , just the other day I was speaking with a man while riding the bus , and it hit me halfway through the conversation that I was speaking with a man who did not exist . He might have existed once , but no longer . He was a construct ; a being formed from Impetus Sand . What tipped me off was that at one point he stopped , mid - sentence , blinked his eyes , and started his entire sentence over again , same inflection and everything . He had to reset himself . I see it all the time , but you don 't have to believe me . Just check out this link at http : / / optimumscience . net / archives / 10 / 06 / 05 / the _ impossible _ polymer and have a look at what Dr . Magnus Ellison has to say about it . He 's looked at Impetus Sand under a microscope . Wonder how long it will be before the government disappears him . Anyway , my point is that sites like Wikipedia , Snopes , Drudge . com and others exist mainly to keep us coddled , with the wool over our eyes , never questioning the official story . Even google gives you the hits they want you most to see first . They have created a generation of people who will only believe something if one of these " reputable " websites tell them it 's true . What is true anymore ? It 's certainly not " verifiable fact " because there 's nothing verifiable in anything either site gives us , while stuff like Impetus Sand is proven and verifiable , but you won 't catch these sites talking to you about it . This was not a great Christmas season for me , and I don 't have any fear of telling you why . Most of you know I 've gotten death threats before , and to be honest , I 'm proud of them , because being threatened just tells me that they consider me a threat . But over the Christmas season , the threats started being launched at my new employers at nuviews . org , including a virus that got sent to my bosses ' computers . The link I provided last week at optimumscience . net is down now , and in fact , when I google " Magnus Ellison " I get zero hits . They 've done it ; they 've unpersoned him . I have little doubt that in a few months , he or someone suspiciously similar will return to his job as though nothing happened , and will deny that such a thing as Impetus Sand exists . But it won 't be him , not really . His wife will call him the same man , his kids will call him Daddy , but he 'll just be a construct . Of course , pains are being taken to ensure that they can 't find where I am . There are umpteen different proxies and redirects surrounding my IP address , which changes every day . That 's one of the reasons I wanted to work with nuviews . org , but , it appears that they 've managed to infiltrate their offices somehow . I 'm going to be speaking with the CEO at nuviews . org to ensure that this sort of thing can be prevented in the future . I 'm also going to refrain from posting links in my blogs from now on . If I have something to share , I 'm now only going to do it through private messages . This way I will also be able to ensure that people who are clicking on my links are actually interested and reading what 's there . I had an interesting conversation with my brother - in - law today . He likes a good conspiracy theory himself , or at least , he used to . Today he seemed different . More withdrawn . I brought up my old post on the Orpheus Device , which , as some of you may remember , casts a field over you so that literally you are a walking radio to them . You don 't have to use a cell phone or speak in a place where there 's technology around . All you have to do is just speak . Of course , I have screens up around my house which filter sound and add white noise to anything they here , so we were safe to talk , but he still acted like he didn 't want to talk about it . In fact , he is far from the first person that 's started reacting strangely when I talk about my latest online discoveries . Yesterday my neighbor gave me the strangest look when I mentioned Wikipedia , as if she 'd never heard of it . Hmm . It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my friends and family have been gotten to . I don 't think all of them have been replaced with constructs , though I know a few have . This is a mild concern , because it makes me feel like they 're closing in on my location . My wife started acting abnormally when she switched to a new moisturizer . I don 't know how many times I warned her to never do that , in fact to pretty much only use what hygiene products you have to , and even then to make sure you buy them from places like the Dollar Store or other places that it 's unfashionable to shop in . Nanoseeds are in everything , these days . The more you use it , the more you likely have in you , altering the way you think , getting you to suppress the desire to think too much about what you hear , what you read . I 'm sure I have some Nanoseeds in me ; it 's unavoidable . I tried for a few months boiling and refrigerating jugs of tap water and only drinking that , but I kept running out of the boiled stuff and needing to drink something , so I 'd break down and have a glass of water straight from the tap . I do my best to counter - act whatever Nanoseeds I might have by relentlessly fighting against any urge I might have to just forget about this stuff for a while and enjoy life . In fact , even today I find myself just plain tired of having to worry about everything like this . I find myself wanting to just say " screw it " , take down my screens , cancel my blog and just live like the other sheep live . After all , would it be so bad ? I know it would improve my marriage , would improve my relations with others in my neighborhood . In fact , I think those Nanoseeds are starting to convince people that the things I blog about , even the stuff that other websites acknowledge as true , don 't actually exist . My wife blew up on me the other day during an argument , telling me that there is no such thing as newsmax . com . She honestly believes that no such website exists . I offered to fire up my laptop and show her , and she just yelled " There you go with that laptop bullshit again ! " She didn 't even want to look . My brother - in - law won 't even speak to me anymore . He might actually be a construct now , but if he were , wouldn 't he be trying to influence me away from my so - called delusions instead of breaking off contact ? No , I don 't think they 've gotten to him . I think he 's just becoming more afraid of what they can do . Lately , though , I 'm not so sure but what nuviews . org hasn 't been bought . I was recently warned about my content . My content hasn 't changed in five years , so I don 't know why they 'd hire me if they think they can make me say different things from what I believe . I 'm not going to back down . It 's important for people to know this stuff . There are so few of us who have discovered the truth , so many who would rather just swallow whatever pablum they 're given and go along to get along . I thought nuviews . org would help me to spread the word . Now I 'm starting to wonder if they 're not part of the problem . This will be my last post on nuviews . org . A representative of theirs called me today . He didn 't even have to tell me ; I could hear it in his voice . He was a construct . Tell me something , people . You can see my posts , right ? You have computers , right ? You surf the net , right ? I ask because today my wife told me today that she was through with my delusions , that she was taking me to see someone , that she would prove to me once and for all that this silly thing called the " internet " was not real and that in fact , " computers " are giant machines that only the government and prestigious universities can use , so the idea of a laptop was absurd . She told me that my laptop is only a briefcase . It 's happening . They 're unpersoning me . First they got me questioning myself on the bigger stuff , wondering if Nanoseeds , Impetus Sand or Orpheus Devices even exist , and now making me question even if I have readers , a blog , or so much as a computer . I refuse to allow myself to question it . My wife is the delusional one , not me . She 's the one who let more Nanoseeds get inside her thanks to that new moisturizer brand . It 's not going to work . They 're not going to unperson me . - CaffeineHead Out of nowhere I got an email from my brother - in - law . He wants to meet with me . He wants to discuss a few things he 's learned and make sure I can defend myself . He apologized for disappearing , but explained that he realized he was being followed around on a daily basis by men who were doing their best to look innocuous but were always there , every time he examined his surroundings . I hope this isn 't a trick . I 'm going to meet with him today but I am truly afraid that this isn 't what it seems . If all goes well , I 'll blog about it later . " It 's so strange , Dr . Winthrop . My husband was a normal man until five and a half years ago , and then he started talking about strange things like laptops , and blogs and this Internet or Interweb thingy . He would spend hours at a time just staring at an open briefcase , as though there were people in there talking to him . " " Not talking to him , Mrs . Lyman . Reading what he supposedly wrote and replying . We 've seen this delusion in others , a sort of mass psychosis which affects only about one out of a hundred people , but the delusion they share is so real to them that when they discuss it with each other , you could almost believe they 're talking about something real . Of course , in most cases , it 's harmless . They just think they 're getting the latest updates on their favorite singers , or actors . They think they 're sharing photos or brief statements with each other . But in other cases , such as your husband 's , the delusion turns paranoid . But rest assured , your husband will get the treatment he needs . " Orton managed to work around Lyman 's efforts to alert Linda , Orton 's sister and Lyman 's wife , of our existence . Her Nanoseeds have convinced her that she has delivered her husband into psychiatric care , and that the internet , even laptops , do not exist . It may be necessary to program all Nanoseeds to believe this within the next five years , as more and more websites like nuviews . org are springing up . I recommend once again cutting off the source of such sites rather than simply taking over each site as we discover them . Linda Lyman is the 1 , 395 , 983th individual we have had to reprogram to believe that the Internet does not exist . Eventually one of them will say the wrong thing and alert more people to our presence . Posted by But I had tried doing the companionship thing , and it never seemed to be for me . I had a girlfriend for two years , but she left me because I rarely wanted to go out with her friends , preferring to stay home , just the two of us . The feeling that was most prominent after she left was relief . I also tried hanging out with a group of people I met online . As in , hanging out with them in the real world . I did this because my ex - girlfriend told me I needed to get out more , to meet people , to come out of my shell . I realized after hanging out with them that I liked my shell better . Again , it 's not that I didn 't like them . I 'm just not a hang - out kind of person . I 'm not an Asperger 's patient or anything . I can have conversations , I can be friendly . I 've stopped to help strangers on the side of the road who were having car trouble . I 've helped people move who I barely knew . I 've donated blood just because I could . I 've volunteered at a homeless shelter . It 's just a matter of preferring to stay in on a Friday night with a good book , when having a group of friends would mean I 'd feel obligated to go out instead . I woke up , and the first thing I noticed was that the power was out . I live in an older building just south of downtown . The kind of place where the carpet in the halls is stained all over with god - knows - what , the paint on the walls is chipped and peeling , in many places the ceiling is just a collection of exposed pipes , the elevators make odd noises like they 're straining on even the lightest load , and the whole place carries the heady bouquet of booze , cigarettes and weed . The power 's gone out before . The last time it happened , it didn 't come back on for two days . I had just gone grocery shopping the day before . Sucks having to throw out stuff you just bought . So , when I woke , my first feeling was irritation . " They had better not take forever getting it back on this time , " I muttered . Now , where you live , the power probably mostly goes out only after a storm , fire or heavy snowfall . In my building , with wiring that was probably installed during the Ford administration and hadn 't really been upgraded since , the power could go out at any time of the year , and needed no outside catalyst to do so . So it never crossed my mind to wonder why , on a wet - but - not - stormy day in April , the power would go out like this . My alarm clock was dead , of course , so I checked the time on my phone . I swore and leaped into the shower , not caring that the water was ice cold , and that I couldn 't see my hand in front of my face . Even if I walked out the door this very minute , I was going to be an hour late for work . I hate being late . I usually try to be at least fifteen minutes early . It 's a weird side - effect of introverts that we 're usually pretty anal retentive about being on time . Now , this is probably when I first felt it ; that sense of unease . I did my best to ignore it , because I wasn 't a child anymore , and feelings like that are just your mind running away on you . But it was hard to ignore , and not just because of the total darkness of the stairwell . It was because I realized at that point that I had not seen another human being that entire morning . This , by itself , was not an alarming thing . I had often made it to the elevator before without seeing another person . However , while descending into the dark , holding my phone before me , LED light shining , I realized a couple of things that seemed out of place . First , I heard no noise coming from behind any of the other apartments ' doors , which I should have considering the air was off . Second , I was late . I usually left for work before the rush , but today I was leaving at the same time that a lot of other people should be . On an ordinary day , maybe some of them took the elevator and few took the stairs , but today , they all should be on the stairs with me . When I got to the ground floor , things got even stranger . When I had first opened my windows , I had failed to notice just how still the morning was . But I noticed now . The only cars on the street were parked . Not another soul was in sight . The businesses at street level didn 't appear open or closed ; they were just dark and empty . I swallowed the lump of fear that was rising in my throat and told myself that there had to be a good reason for this . But my mind was refusing to accept that . It was 8 : 30 AM on a Tuesday . The streets should be deluged with cars , the sidewalks filled up with people . There should be noise , there should be life . But the only sound was the light wind that wailed between buildings . One ring . Two . Three . Several more . Then voice mail . My boss 's bored voice saying " please leave a message " was the first voice other than my own that I had heard all morning . I opened up a browser and started checking local news . But there wasn 't anything new since yesterday . In fact , my connection was sluggish and eventually dropped out completely . I tried calling a co - worker , the only co - worker whose number I had . He had been the one to offer it to me . Others were always trying to reach out . That wasn 't something I did . He didn 't answer either . I began to wonder if the power outage was affecting the cell towers in the area . Could the power really be out for that wide an area ? I went back to the stairs , phone LED light on again , and began climbing . My apartment was on the eighth floor . I 'm not in the best of shape , and my legs were starting to ache by the third flight . It was the fourth flight , though , when the light on my phone began to fade and then went out completely . " No , no , no ! " I whispered . I thumbed the home button . I then remembered that the phone had not charged during the night as it normally would have . There would have been just enough power left for the one phone call and momentary surfing , plus these trips with the light on . I must have ignored the low power warning , and now it was too late . The phone was a paperweight . " Piece of shit , " I muttered . Somehow I already knew to keep my voice to a whisper . I put the phone back in its clip and stood on the stairs for a moment , calming down . You 'd think I would be glad to know that another person was still around . You 'd think that after noticing how empty my world was all of a sudden , that I 'd be relieved to know that I was not alone . And for a moment , I tried to tell myself that I was . The footsteps were slow , inexorable . They echoed through the darkness like the slow drumbeat before a death march . They were somewhat soft , at first , though I could tell the feet that made their tread was heavy . But they were getting nearer . From their sound , they were less than two flights below me . I didn 't think . I bolted up the stairs . I paused at the top of every flight to listen . They kept coming . I thought of calling out , but every instinct said that would be foolish . I tried telling myself it was just my misanthropy rearing its ugly head again , but this feeling wasn 't a mere wish to be by myself for a while . Every sense I had told me that in this unnatural stillness , this unthinkable emptiness , that nothing should be moving . I had not heard so much as the bark of a dog from within this building . But something else was here besides me . I knew , at the core of my being , that it wasn 't supposed to be there . I reached my floor and headed out into the hallway . I paused at the door after pulling it closed and listened . Those footsteps continued , not even having increased their pace . They sounded much closer . The hallway was empty , as I knew it would be . I pulled myself away from the door and listened . My own heartbeat , hammering in my ears , and my heavy breathing were the only sounds I heard . There was a window at the end of the hallway , letting in dim grey light , but it was still hard to see . I began walking left . The hallway had an intersection up ahead . I turned right , the direction of my apartment , and kept walking . Behind me , I heard the door to the stairwell open . The footsteps , still slow but unrelenting , started down the hallway . I waited . Maybe they had turned in the other direction . But no , they were getting louder . Coming toward me . I turned and walked quickly in the direction of my apartment . I didn 't run . If I ran , I would make more noise . I tried to keep my breathing quiet as well . I reached my apartment , but still heard those footsteps behind me . At any moment their owner would turn the corner . I reached for my keys , but a new thought struck me . The footsteps sounded close enough that this . . . person . . . could turn the corner just as I was closing the door . Then my one safe hiding place would be exposed . Thinking quickly , I turned and ran as quietly as I could in the same direction as before , heading for the other stairwell on this floor . And then I began to feel a little silly . After all , why was I so convinced that this person was pursuing me ? I was the only person I had seen today , but that was the unnatural thing , not the sudden appearance of another person . Somehow , some incident , a disaster or abduction or rapture , or whatever , had emptied my neighborhood , but left me behind , and if I was still here , why would I assume that no one else was ? This person could just be someone else who lived on the eighth floor , likely just as confused and terrified as I was . I shook my head and laughed at myself , but I stuck with my plan . I circled around the building , headed for the other stairwell . Reaching it , I began to climb up . . . I instantly flew back down the stairs and back into the hallway , running full tilt for the very stairs I had just come down , bolting back up them . I cautiously opened the door back on my floor , listening . No steps as of yet . All thoughts of the footsteps belonging to another confused , frightened person had left my mind . Those heavy treads did not belong to a person who was in the same situation as me . They did not sound frightened , or confused . They were purposeful . A purpose that I knew could not be good . This time , I reached my apartment and managed to get inside . I locked the door , the deadbolt , and secured the chain on the door . I stood there for a second , feeling like that wasn 't enough , and finally put a chair under the knob . Then I went into the living room and huddled against the large window . For a very long time , nothing happened . And then I heard them again . There was no doubt in my mind now that the footsteps were coming for me . They trod , persistently , inescapably closer , starting to slow further as they reached my apartment door . They stopped . Just on the other side of my door , something waited , possibly listening for me , but knowing beyond a doubt that I was inside . I thought I could smell something from the hall . Something that smelled . . . hot . That 's the only way I can describe it . It smelled hot . I waited . It waited . The silence was palpable . I felt that the air between us had solidified , waiting , as the world did , for the inevitable . My doorknob rattled . First a little , then vigorously . I sat there , numb , my breath coming in short gasps , my heart beating so fast it felt like a continuous pressure in my chest . Finally the rattling stopped . I slowly pulled myself away from the window and fired up my laptop . Unlike my phone , it had not been on all night and the battery was still fully charged . I don 't know if anyone is still out there to read this . I don 't even know how long the internet will continue to work . I never needed people before today , but I sure need them now . Being a misanthrope has its oddities , but no situation I 've been in has been more odd than this . He lived far from where his three children had settled . Grandma died when I was a small child , and he ended up remarrying another woman a few years later who demanded that he move out west so that she could be nearer to her sons . She was a piece of work , was Grandma Hester . We all wondered how Grandpa could stand her . It turns out that perhaps he could not . We 're not precisely sure when he developed dementia , but it was probably years before we noticed it . He 'd tell us about people he was speaking to , or visiting with , or a trip he took . Years later , after we learned he was suffering from dementia , we 'd learn that conversation , that visit or that trip never actually happened . For all we really know , any story he told us from the last decade and a half leading up to his coming back east could be a false memory . We would have no way of knowing . Hester rarely communicated with us herself . Probably our first clue that Grandpa wasn 't himself anymore happened a few weeks after he came back east to live with my parents . Most of the family had settled in one area ; my wife and I lived in the south end of our city , as did one set of cousins , but my father and his two sisters all lived in the north , within driving distance of each other . A few of my aunts ' children had moved out of town , and my brother had as well , but there were still enough of us around that Grandpa could visit with . We would often have gatherings at my parents ' house where Grandpa would either hold court with some story or would go to sleep . Later that same month , he told my aunts and uncles the story of how he came out east after living with Hester got to be too much . " I prayed to the Lord , " said Grandpa . " And the next thing I knew , Martin was there . " Martin was my father . I remembered him driving out to the tiny , cold house on a hill in Colorado to get Grandpa . He had not come due to any divine intervention . He had come because Grandpa called him in the night and pleaded with him to come get him . We all loved Grandpa , but caring for him was not easy . For one thing , Grandpa had gotten it into his head that he was a young , single man with many years ahead of him , and the only thing missing was a young woman at his side . If he spoke for any length of time with a younger woman , he became convinced that she was in love with him , and that perhaps she should be his new bride . Hester was even still alive at this point . He had forgotten her utterly . Dad and Mom didn 't let him go on walks by himself , but that didn 't mean he didn 't sneak away sometimes when Dad was away and Mom was in the basement . He had to use a walker to get around , and simply couldn 't do stairs , but refused to admit this to anyone , including himself , leading to a lot of falls . He would also get confused as to where he was , or where he lived . At times , during his walks , he would attempt to find the old family home that he raised my father and aunts in , despite it having been long gone since before I was born . Dad picked him up from a police station , where he had been taken after some patrol officers saw him wandering around , clearly lost . The time he tried to drive Dad 's car was after that . He decided that the reason he got lost is because he had to walk . He managed to get the E - break off and rolled right down the fairly steep incline outside my parents ' house , crashing into a fence . The damage was minimal , but after that incident , my parents realized he needed to be in a full time care facility . My father visited him three times a week . I have no idea how often my aunts went , or if they even did . I tended to only go when there was a family gathering , and increasingly I began to realize that he had no clue who I was . He 'd smile and greet me as though I was someone he had just met . He 'd tell me about his children , describing them as " little kids " , and even going as far as to invent a friend who was looking after them while he was in this home with " all these old people . " Grandpa was 93 at the time . He was much older than many of the others who lived there . But somehow , they were the " old people " , while he was not . But he had never been violent before . That changed one night when Dad was called to come to the facility quickly . Grandpa had wandered into the wrong room , and had come out screaming , raising his walker up in the air and slamming it into the ground , taking a few swings at people who tried to calm him down . He began accusing the staff of stealing his things . He was bellowing as loud as he could : " Give them back ! Give them back ! " When Dad got there , they had gotten him into his room , and he was somewhat appeased . Somewhat . He had a can of Ensure in a tube sock , and almost hit my father in the head with it when he came in . He apologized ( Dad was one of the few people he always recognized ) , and said he had been waiting for " the thief " to come back . " A man who 'd steal from me 'd just as soon kill me , " he explained . The Ensure - in - a - sock was his weapon to fend off the thief . He told Dad about the men who had come to give him all his things back . " They put it all back , just like it was , " he said . " Didn 't take ' em long . " Later that night , he told Dad about how much it had scared Florence . He hated that she 'd had to go through that . Florence was my grandmother ; the one who died when I was six . He finished by saying that Florence had gone somewhere , and when he went looking for her : " They told me she was dead . One day , they 're gonna come looking for me , and they 're gonna find me dead . " That was a jolt to my father . Grandpa had never , at any point before that , acknowledged his mortality , his advanced age , or the fact that he had probably no more than a handful of years left at best . Aging , and death , was something that happened to other people . But here he was , accepting that death was near . That wasn 't the last night he mentioned the thief . He even gave the thief a name ; Charlie Rosen . It was strange that he would invent a whole person , name included . He didn 't even name the friend who was looking after his kids . In fact , that person ceased to exist ; Charlie Rosen had stolen his kids . Had killed Florence . Had come to his home in Colorado and routinely taunted him , beat him , and he even declared that Hester had been sleeping with him . He remembered her now , and was certain that she and Charlie were ganging up on him to make his life a living hell . In the last six months of his life , he would become increasingly agitated . Dad could not have a single visit wherein Grandpa would not mention Charlie . And then the violence started up again . In one visit , Grandpa accused Dad of being Charlie , and attacked him . After that , Dad 's visits dropped to once a week , and he didn 't stay long . Once , I went with him . It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive , and I will never forget it . " Charlie was here again today , " Grandpa told us as soon as we arrived . " He told me I couldn 't leave this room anymore . He 's trapped me here . " " Dad , this is where you live , " my father tried to explain . " See , here 's a picture of Mother . Why would Charlie let you keep that ? " " Mother had an aneurysm , " said Dad . " You and I decided together to unplug the machine . She died in her sleep , but no one killed her . " " No , no , it was Charlie . " Grandpa 's voice was not agitated . It was solid , like he knew for a fact what he was saying . " He poisoned her . Made something go wrong in her head . I didn 't know it then , but I realized it later , after he introduced me to Hester . Conned me into marrying her . He 's my personal demon , that Charlie . " Dad finally had had enough . " There is no Charlie ! " he said , nearly shouting . You aren 't supposed to correct people who have dementia ; it just confuses them more and makes them upset . But my father forgot this in that moment . " Charlie is someone you made up ! Mother died naturally , you met Hester at a coffee shop years after Mother died , and while she was not a nice woman , she was not unfaithful to you ! Please , stop talking about Charlie ! " " Dear Lord in Heaven , " said Grandpa . " He got to you . He told you to say these things . You 're part of it too ! " " I don 't want to play any fucking checkers ! " screamed Grandpa . I couldn 't have been more surprised if he 'd hit me . Grandpa had never used profanity in his life . " By - words " , as he called them , were only used by bad men , as far as he was concerned . " Not with you ! Not with him ! Charlie Rosen 's pet demons ! He comes to me every day . He talks to me about Florence . He taunts me . He reads my mind and he takes thoughts away and puts in new ones , worse ones . He tells me about how he rapes my little ones . How he and Hester keep them half - starved and chained in their basement . I can 't stop him ! He can go inside my mind ! He 's controlling me ! " We left after that , without saying goodbye . Driving home , I almost wanted to cry . This kind , loving man was ending his days as a raving , violent lunatic . It wasn 't right . It wasn 't fair . What kind of monster was this Charlie ? That thought stopped me cold . For an instant , I had accepted that Charlie was real . Giving my head a shake , I resolved to think about something else . But an image of Charlie had been forming in my mind , beginning a few months back , when Grandpa had first started talking about him . I only now realized that when Grandpa spoke of this demonic man , I was picturing him in my mind , and I could see him as clearly as I could memories of real people . I thought of the last time I had visited Grandpa in that tiny house in the mountains of Colorado , when I was a teenager , sitting at that little round table while Hester served us some of her inedible glop , and I would see a man standing in the corner of the kitchen , watching us eat . A tall , gangly man with leathery skin stretched over sharp - looking bone and corded muscle . Shaggy grey hair hanging down , obscuring the upper part of his face , his smile stretching like a knife - slash across his jaw . I thought of the wedding . I was twelve years old . I met Hester for the first time . And standing a ways behind her was that same man . I remember a family gathering at the facility Grandpa was concurrently staying at . Didn 't we pass that man in the hall once ? No , of course not . These were just images my mind had cooked up the more Grandpa talked about this shady character that never existed . The brain can do that ; insert false people in your memory just because you decide , subconsciously , to remember them . It doesn 't mean you 're insane ; it 's just another way for your brain to play tricks on you . Grandpa had invented a person who he talked about with such conviction , as though Charlie was real . So my mind had conjured up a Charlie Rosen . But there was no Charlie Rosen . Everything was normal at the start . My parents , my aunts and uncles , my wife and I , and our children , my brother and his wife , and their son , my cousins , their spouses and their children , we all gathered under the same roof for the first time in years . No one was missing . No one was out of town and couldn 't make it . Two of my cousins I hadn 't seen since they were children . It was nice to catch up with them . The service was nice , as well . The pastor who served the spiritual needs at Grandpa 's facility was the officiator . Grandpa looked calm and peaceful , whole , so unlike what he had been in the last few months of life . I started to feel calm myself ; Grandpa was where he belonged now , where the devils of his own fevered , decaying brain couldn 't get to him anymore . And then we drove to the cemetery . The coffin was lowered . We all sprinkled a handful of dirt on the coffin and began our walk back to the cars . And then the gravedigger came out of the shadows to start shoveling the rest of the dirt . I could barely read the embroidered name tag on his coveralls . It looked like " C . Rose " or " C . Risen " . Or . . . no . It couldn 't be . He was tall , gangly , with leathery skin , sharp - looking bones , corded muscle , long grey hair . And that smile . That smile that haunts my nightmares to this day . Today , I felt like I had to write all this down . To make sure I remember it all , before things get worse . Because today , my father called me to complain that Charlie was driving past his house and staring in his windows . I 'm very worried about my son . More than worried , at this point . Terrified . His behavior these past few weeks is not normal , not healthy . It makes me think there 's something wrong . At first , he would just come and stand at the door way . He did this at night , just before I 'd be ready to fall asleep . I 'd roll over to turn off the lamp , and he 'd be standing there , in the doorway . I used to try to speak to him . I don 't do that anymore . He never has answered me . He just stares . A couple of days ago , he graduated from standing in the doorway to coming in and sitting on the bed . He still doesn 't speak . I have asked him what he wants . I 've asked him if anything is bothering him . It 's not like him to be so quiet . He usually waits until my wife is asleep . That 's the part that gets me . She always falls asleep before me , and he has never come in when she 's awake . But then , she didn 't have a hand in this . If something doesn 't change soon , I don 't know what I 'm gonna do . I 'm starting to feel like he knows that I 'm the one who killed him . |
My flight landed three hours late . I was beyond exhausted . I can 't sleep on planes . I waited for my luggage looking like a zombie and feeling even worse . My car sat where I 'd parked it five days ago . It looked like a woman waiting in the door for her cheating husband who 'd been gone three hours longer than he 'd said he 'd be . I schlepped to the trunk and heaved in my suitcase . At the time I didn 't even notice that no one else was going to their car , despite the flight having been booked to maximum . It was November 12th . Snow wasn 't falling yet , but was threatening to . The lights in the parkade glared in my eyes and beyond the lot I could see only blackness . I put the key into the ignition and pulled out , leaving the airport behind and heading west on Highway 348 . Within just a couple of miles I realized I was surrounded on all sides by a dense fog worthy of a John Carpenter movie . I wasn 't bugged so much by that as the fact that my headlights were reflecting little back to me other than a swirling wall of white . The street lights were more hindrance than help . I switched to low beams and drove a bit slower than normal . The fog was thicker than cotton . I could see only a few feet ahead . Passing a streetlight meant momentary light - blindedness . I began to feel disoriented , as if I was driving through clouds . After a while , the streetlights ended and my own headlights were the only light source around . I turned on the radio , but was met with low - humming static on every station . It only added to the rudderless feeling in my bones . I was a sailor on a tiny skiff adrift in strange , silent waters . I could see glimpses of landscape here and there beside the road . Open fields with unknown crops , the odd scarecrow , but no houses . No people . No other cars . For the first time , I realized that I was utterly alone . I have always enjoyed the comforting quiet of chosen solitude . This was not that . This was the quiet of the crypt . There was no movement within the fog , aside from the odd tree waving slightly in the low early winter breeze . I could hear the running of my tires against the asphalt . I could hear the low hiss of the heater . I could hear my own heart beating in my ears . These noises seemed to shout in the stillness . And then , as if summoned from the ethereal fog , two pinpricks of light sprouted in my rear - view . Seeing them , my heart began to thud more loudly . There is nothing less natural than the feeling of utter isolation except for when that isolation is broken just when you have begun to accept it . The headlights from behind crept closer . Their approach filled me with an inexplicable terror that gnawed at the edges of my vision , making the world tremor before my eyes . I was suddenly sure that whoever was in that car was following me , had been searching for me , and would hunt me . An off - ramp became evident in the fog . My rational self surfaced just long enough to remind myself that I was already on the correct road , but . . . was I ? Had I passed endless fields with no houses on the way out to the airport ? Were there not streetlights for mile after mile on the correct road ? Was I perhaps already lost ? " If he 's not following me , he 'll keep going , " I whispered to myself . This was pure folly , of course . The driver could live on this road . It was I who had taken the wrong path , but that didn 't mean it was the wrong path for everyone . The lights followed me . To my fevered mind , they were no longer headlights , but malevolent eyes , hunting me through the darkness , glowing their eldritch glow as they searched for me . I kept driving , trying to talk myself into believing that I being ridiculous , but as the headlights grew closer , the more like eyes they seemed . A sudden thought rose in my mind . What if the car belonged to a police officer who just wanted to tell me a tail light was out ? I didn 't think either of my tail lights were , but what if my license plate light was out ? This time it was my rational self that knocked that thought down . A police officer doesn 't follow you for miles without so much as flashing his red - and - blues or sounding his siren . I was so preoccupied with the lights in my rear - view that I failed to notice that I should be seeing streetlights again by now . I had been driving in the other direction , headed back to the airport , for a good hour before I realized that , aside from my headlights and the ones behind me , there were no other light sources whatsoever . The fog was still thick , but translucent in patches . I still saw nothing but endless fields . This entire ordeal had gone far enough . I pulled over . As I was now certain it would , the car behind me , if car it was , pulled over as well . I steeled myself , screwing my courage to the sticking point , as the saying goes . I didn 't have a gun . The closest thing I had to a weapon was an 18 - inch crescent wrench that was old and rusty . It was laying in my back seat . I picked it up and got out . Viewing the lights from this angle made it clear that they were indeed headlights . The only question now was what sort of person was following me , and why . I conjured up a picture of a faceless man in a long coat with a hood over his face . . . . it was a tiny Honda Civic , painted an almost purplish shade of blue . Seated at the wheel was a thin man with thick horn - rims . He was losing his hair . The man was hardly looking at me . His eyes darted about in the fog . " I . . . uh . . . " he said . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " " Your car was the only one I 've seen in over three hours , " he said . His voice was high and tinny . " I don 't know where I am . . . where . . . where we are . I thought if I didn 't let your car out of my sight that maybe . . . maybe we 'd get out of here . Wherever this is . " " Start making sense , moron , " I said . I was starting to feel justifiably angry . " We 're on Highway 348 . You probably came from the airport the same way I did ! " " Airport ? " The guy seemed utterly mystified . " There 's . . . there 's no airport around here . I was on the road from Kingsport to visit my sister in Bristol . Wait , what highway did you say this was ? " " Ah . . . actually , " he began , then broke off in a fit of bitter laughter . " I . . . ha ha . . . I don 't think it 's either place . Look around you , friend . Do you think we 're still anywhere we should be ? " Until he said this , I had been focused entirely on him . Him and that tiny little car . The fog shifted all about us , and I could see as little as before . Except . . . I realized that I could see more now . Both our cars were turned off now . No lights shown around us at all except a thin , wan glow that filtered through the fog like a tea light through a diaphanous curtain . I saw how still everything remained . . . but then , nothing was still . Silently , as though walking on pure air , shapes were moving through the fog . Gigantic , monstrous shapes . They writhed and danced in the low light , and what I could see of them made me feel quite certain that they should not exist . They boiled together in obscene movements , never ceasing , never confirming their own eldritch shapes to my unbelieving eyes . I saw a giant being with arms protruding from all sides ushering thousands of smaller versions of itself through the curtain of fog . Summers when I was a kid were spent at my grandmothers 's place . At the time , my parents didn 't have cable , so I spent a lot - and I mean a lot - of time in front of her TV watching whatever I could find that was even a little entertaining . I remember a lot of it , but there 's other stuff that exists as fragments of memory and to this day I have no idea if I was hallucinating or if this stuff really exists somewhere . The first was a scene with several old men sitting around the table . It looked like it was filmed on video , and I remember the men having British accents , though , since I lived in the south , it could very well have been New York accents and it would have sounded just as foreign to me . Anyway , they 're just having a meeting of some sort or another when one of them suddenly says " . . . what 's happening to him ? " I don 't remember the name of the man he was pointing out . All I remember is that the camera cut to the man in question and his face was melting . As in , falling right off his skull . It looked like a mudslide with an eyeball or two thrown in . The effects might have been cheap and cheesy , and if I saw it today , I probably wouldn 't think much of it . But at the time it sickened me , and in my memory it looks more realistic than the Nazis having their faces melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Not to mention slower , so you have more time to absorb what 's really happening . To this day that face - melting just shows up in my memory . I have no idea what this is from . Google , again , was no help . As far as the world at large is concerned , this scene did not happen . It was never on television . No one I 've talked to remembers it , even on websites all about trying to pin down various movies and TV series and putting names to them . But I remember . I can 't stop remembering , and I remember just enough so that , while I can 't forget it , I can 't figure out if it was real , either . My grandmother died recently . She was over 80 and Grandpa died a long time ago , so it was time to go through her estate , get it all divvied up and put the house on the market . I wasn 't responsible for most of that , but I did travel upstate for three days to help clear out the attic , basement and bedrooms and help get the house looking sellable . All three nights that I slept there , I kept hearing voices coming from other rooms in the house . Not dreams , because I hadn 't fallen asleep yet . I 'm not the type who generally hears voices , and these were not voices of people I knew . They were the voices from the programs . I would be laying in bed , and from my grandmother 's den where the television was , I would hear a sudden shout of " You 're not my parents ! You can 't be ! " . I would hear robotic , monotonous laughter . " Ha . Ha . Ha . " I would hear " What 's happening to him ? " And here 's the kicker , the reason I decided to make a post about it ; each time I heard these voices , I would go into the den and the TV would be on , showing static . The voices would be silent at that point , but I never turned the TV on . I turned it off each time , only to hear the voices moments later , and realize it had turned back on . My level of education is not sufficient to get hired at the jobs where you make the big bucks . For a long time I cut grass , shoveled sidewalks or flipped burgers . And then there was the time I scored a position as a night watchman at a local office complex . There wasn 't much to the night watchman job . The building is three floors and a basement , most of which is viewable from a bank of monitors in a back room . The building 's in a pretty quiet area of town , and there 's nothing in it to steal , so really , I discovered on my first shift that this was a pretty low - key sort of job . Gerry showed me the ropes , along with the guy I 'd be sharing part of my shift with , a younger guy named Mike . Gerry was nearing sixty , if he wasn 't already past it , but the best you 'd ever get from him was " Forty - five and holding . " Mike was younger than me ; didn 't even look like he 's been out of high school for very long . Gerry was the afternoon security guard who , technically , was in charge of Mike and I . Which is to say that he made sure we kept the sheets properly and caught hell if we didn 't , but he didn 't actually have any authority over us , and never acted like he did . If anything , it was more like three guys who did the same job ; Gerry did his from 4 PM to midnight , Mike came on duty at 5 PM , which is when the business day was officially over , and stayed until 1 AM , and I started at midnight and finished at 8 AM , officially opening the doors in the morning to let in Lester , the morning security guard , whom I rarely ever interacted with . Within a week , I fit into the rhythm of the place very easily . Gerry and Mike were fun guys . I 'd get there in time to hang out with both men for a bit , share a smoke with Mike and Gerry before Gerry departed for the night , and then hung out , joked , smoked and argued with Mike until he left , at which point I 'd usually pick up a novel , play games on my phone or just about anything to keep my mind occupied , until the morning . There were duties other than monitoring the stations , of course . Every hour , on the hour , a full circuit of each floor , and the basement , was necessary , and I was to mark on the sheet that I had done so , and put an " AC " for " all clear " next to my name , unless I found something out of the ordinary , which rarely happened . I was told that at worst I might right down that a light needed replacing or there was a drip in the ceiling somewhere . About three weeks into the job , I first heard the term " Joe the Creep " . Gerry said it in response to something Mike had said . When I think back to the conversation , I can 't really recall what Mike said to prompt him , but Gerry had laughed and said " Yeah , and I 'm gonna let old Joe the Creep get me , too . " Mike laughed back in response . I didn 't pay too much attention then , but after a couple of other references to " Joe the Creep " , I started to get a little curious . It would always be a snide reference of some sort , like " Don 't take too long in the toilet , Mike , Joe the Creep 's probably watching you masturbate " or " Shower before the next shift , okay , Gerry ? You 're starting to smell like Joe the Creep " or even " Dude , the only guy interested in your story is Joe the Creep . " The straw that broke the camel 's back happened on my last night there . I 'd been there for just over three months . You 'll understand in just a bit why I quit the next morning . I was running slightly behind . The bus was late . Mike and Gerry were having a smoke , and I walked up to join them . Everything was normal for the first bit . Gerry was telling a ribald joke , Mike was laughing and hocking spit between each puff , and both greeted me like always when I walked up to the smoking area . So . He was a real person . This was an interesting turn . Up until now he seemed like a story ; an in - joke among the staff . I looked at Gerry and said " Well ? " Gerry took a long puff on his smoke and smiled , looking a little abashed . " Coulda sworn I told you , but oh well . Joe was a guy who used to work here back in . . . I wanna say it was the mid - 80 's but it could have been the late 70 's . He wasn 't here all that long , but while he was here , he made an impression . He didn 't talk much , or at least , not to other people . He would come in , staring at the floor , mumbling to himself . He took his lunch breaks alone , didn 't speak to anyone unless they spoke to him first , didn 't seem to even realize others were around . You 've worked with guys like that , right ? Something 's just a little off ? " " Well , Joe , it turns out , actually was a bit of a creep . He kept writing stuff down in a little notebook , and never would let the rest of us see it , but one day he accidentally dropped it while in the elevator . There was a woman who worked here then , her name was Sue , I think , and she saw just a bit of what was in the notebook . It was enough to make her notify HR about him . " " Sue wasn 't allowed to talk about it , but boy did HR tear him a new one . He got a one - week suspension , and when he came back , he was even worse than before . Now he would stare at people , hardly even blinking , until they looked at him and then he would look away . He did this to me , once , but I told him if I caught him looking at me like that again , we 'd have it out in the parking lot . " But then the day came when a woman came shrieking out of the file room . Turned out that Joe was in there , hiding behind the cabinets and staring at her . Her eye managed to accidentally land on him , and he hissed at her . Nobody saw that but her , but I never had any trouble believing her , and they did find Joe in the copy room , still behind the cabinets . Needless to say , he was fired on the spot , but he asked if he could go get some of his personal files out of the basement before he left . " " Yeah , probably , " said Gerry . " Back then , they didn 't really think about sending someone down with him . They just had a guard wait at the top of the stairs . I mean , you know there 's only one flight of stairs going down there . " " Cliched , isn 't it ? " said Gerry . " Yep . Hanging by his belt . That part I can verify , because when they were carrying out his body , the sheet that was over it slipped a little , and I saw the ligature marks . That was the end of Joe the Creep , or so they say . " " Or so they say ? " I mimicked , wiggling my eyebrows . " Don 't tell me . Joe the Creep haunts the basement to this very day ? " " Well , that part 's the silly part , " said Gerry . " See , there was a rumor that he had stashed that notebook down there , and that was what he was going to get . But for some reason he decided to hang himself instead . And , just like any story , it 's sorta grown since then . Now there 's even a rhyme you 're not supposed to say . " At that , Gerry 's face got a bit red and he seemed to choke a bit on his smoke . " Well , I . . . " he began . " Well , not . . . not really . I started to once , but . . . well , I don 't like to play with stuff like that . Never did the Bloody Mary trick either . I been down in that basement lotsa times , and nothing ever happened , so why play around and invite something like that , right ? " Something felt cold on my neck . Up until that moment , it had all seemed like an amusing story . But Gerry 's reaction was real . He believed in Joe the Creep . Believed enough to never test the legend , apparently . We finished our smokes and went inside . When we got to the security booth , Gerry started packing up his stuff and I realized that we were all three as quiet as the grave . We usually were still laughing and joking at this point . Gerry even stayed quiet when he started heading out , not even saying good night . Mike must have noticed , because a few seconds later , he leapt up and followed him out . I sat at the station monitors and stared at the various rooms as they flashed by . And I thought : Joe the Creep . How silly . But somehow , the image of being watched through a crack in filing cabinets , of a crazy man hissing as I spot him , stayed with me . Joe the Creep , who died in the deep . Don 't close your eyes or he 'll kill you in your sleep . " Nothing , " said Mike , but gave himself away a second later . " Hey , let 's start with the basement this time , okay ? " Usually the basement was last . " Well , listen , man , " said Mike . " If you won 't say it , I 'm gonna say it . But then I 'm not going down there , so it 's up to you if you want to leave it off the rounds for the night . " " I knew you were scared , " said Mike . " You believe in the legend , don 't you ? You 're practically shittin ' in your drawers at the idea of old Joe the Creep coming for you . " But I wasn 't listening . I headed back to the monitor station . Let Mike do the rounds by himself for the rest of his shift , if he was gonna be like that . Oddly enough , he did . By the time his shift was over , he had done two full circuits of all the floors ; all , I noticed , except the basement . He didn 't even so much as crack the doors the rest of the night . I realized I was holding my breath . Stupid of me . Well , I decided enough was enough . I was no child , to believe such silly stories . It was time to man up and do my job . I grabbed my flashlight and notebook , and headed up the stairs . I made my circuit of the top floor , the second floor . Nothing out of the ordinary . The ground floor , where I had started . All clear . The basement was a fairly large room , but smaller in floor space than the above - ground floors . A bank of twelve lights for the entire room were spread out over the ceiling , none of them all that powerful . The basement was a dark room at the best of times . Think the level of lighting in an sub - ground bar at night . The stairs were steep , and they went down surprisingly far . There were stacks of shelves down here that stood anywhere from five feet to fifteen , and the ceiling extended a good ten feet above them . I was pretty far underground . I started my circuit . There were twenty rows . From each one , the one next to it was only visible through tiny spaces between stacked boxes of files . Before I knew what I was doing , I was pulling it down and looking through it . In a scrawling hand , multiple pages were filled with entries . All the ink used was red . As I read them , I realized that if I saw this from a subordinate , my next call would be to the police , not HR . A cartoon head of a woman 's head was drawn crudely next to it . Dots of red were underneath it , and I realized they were meant to represent dripping blood . Her eyes were angry spirals of red . - Steve Linden took my parking space today . He didn 't even apologize . I began to notice a stink in the air . No , not a stink . A fetid stench . It was like someone had let off ten stink bombs right next to me . The air had grown still , and I heard something in the silence . A schlep that sounded wet and rubbery . I shown my flashlight down the row and saw movement in the row next to mine . My blood froze , and I struggled to breathe . The figure continued to walk slowly , inexorably down the row . Within a few short minutes it would round the corner and I would be face to face with it . It turned to look in my direction and my flashlight beam caught it . Barely human features glared back at me . The intense , fevered eyes of madness burned through me . My feet came unglued from their spot and I bolted down the row at top speed . The thing was barely moving , apparently expecting me to remain frozen in fear . I made it to the steps and locked the door once I had ascended . I spent the rest of my shift with all the lights on around the monitor desk , wide awake and watching every corner for movement . I was still like that when Lester came and I let him in . My hand was still shaking as I wrote " AC " on all the hour entries on the sheet . His eyes got large when he looked at my face . " Aw , geez , " he said . " Listen man , I . . . I owe you an apology . " " Wait , " I said . " This whole thing 's been a joke ? " I thought of the thing in the row next to me , of the journal that must have been planted for me to find , of the stench of something long dead . " Not all of it , " he said . " But if you heard anything weird last night , someone trying to get in at the back , or something , that was just us . We thought it would be fun to give you a little scare . " " Heard ? " I exclaimed . " I didn 't just hear you idiots , I saw you ! What did you do , rig up some kind of Halloween prop ? Let off some stink bombs ? That wasn 't funny . I 've never been so scared in my life ! " " What ? " Gerry seemed very confused . " We planned to come in through the back while you were on your rounds and scare you , but there 's something wrong with the lock on the back door . We couldn 't get it open . We never got in the building once Mike left . I just . . . felt bad and wanted to apologize . " Let me start by saying , thanks for reading . You guys have been amazing to me . I started this blog when I wasn 't even sure what blogs were , or what I wanted to do with mine . I never dreamed that in just five short years , I 'd have such a large , and loyal , group of readers . Even the trolls , I thank you as well , because every time I get a comment , my hit count goes up and that adds to the revenue I collect from my sponsors . Each and every one of you who have read , liked , disliked , commented or flamed has helped me go from just another college kid to a person who can make a living doing what he loves ; writing . Anyway , I 'm saying all this because I wanted to announce that I 'll be moving to a new URL starting in two weeks . I 've decided that today will be my last post on this blog because there 's going to be a ton of work involved in my next venture . I 'll be joining the ever - expanding ranks of the professional bloggers on nuviews . org . I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to be working with these amazing people . Blogging never felt like a real job before , even with the ad revenue I was generating , but now , now I feel like I 've found my calling . I 'll be writing the same stuff I 've always written , but now it 's actually my job . My old content will still be at this url , but new content will be available at http : / / caffeinehead . nuviews . org starting in two weeks . I 'll still be blogging about as often , but it will be there , not here . I wanted to move my entire back catalog with me , but apparently there 's some potential legal snarls there , and it might work out as too expensive . So , loyal readers , please bookmark the above link and be sure to share it with people you know who read my page on a perhaps more sporadic level than you and might miss this message . Some of you might think that because I 've moved , I 'm gonna start holding back a bit with my viewpoints as to what 's happening , but really , guys . The fantastic folks at newviews . org would not have wanted me if they didn 't want my opinions . So , if you thought I was gonna start pulling my punches or changing my opinions , think again . Sorry , trolls . Then again , no , I 'm not sorry , and really , you aren 't either . You come here to be entertained by me , anyway . I know you do , no need to lie about it . Last week , as I 'm sure many of you have heard , the lie - spreading time waster known as Wikipedia got hit with a massive hack and was offline for over 48 hours . I want to stress that I was not involved , though I have nothing but love for the hackers that accomplished it . Hopefully soon the web 's most infamous deceit factory will be completely unable to spew its filth . I am not in contact with the hackers but I hope their next target is snopes . com . As I 'm sure my readers know , I cannot believe how easy it is to mislead so many people at once . Make a website , get some views , suddenly you 're an authority . Wikipedia allows its readers to generate content . How do they know the content being generated isn 't a lie ? Sure , they have to provide citations , but a citation can just be a link to another lying website , like snopes . How do I know snopes is a group of lying scumbags ? Simple . Just go check their page on Impetus Sand . They say Impetus Sand is a myth . A fraud , conducted by conspiracy theorists . Folks , you know that 's ridiculous . I have seen Impetus Sand in action with my own eyes , and I 'm certain you all have , as well . In fact , just the other day I was speaking with a man while riding the bus , and it hit me halfway through the conversation that I was speaking with a man who did not exist . He might have existed once , but no longer . He was a construct ; a being formed from Impetus Sand . What tipped me off was that at one point he stopped , mid - sentence , blinked his eyes , and started his entire sentence over again , same inflection and everything . He had to reset himself . I see it all the time , but you don 't have to believe me . Just check out this link at http : / / optimumscience . net / archives / 10 / 06 / 05 / the _ impossible _ polymer and have a look at what Dr . Magnus Ellison has to say about it . He 's looked at Impetus Sand under a microscope . Wonder how long it will be before the government disappears him . Anyway , my point is that sites like Wikipedia , Snopes , Drudge . com and others exist mainly to keep us coddled , with the wool over our eyes , never questioning the official story . Even google gives you the hits they want you most to see first . They have created a generation of people who will only believe something if one of these " reputable " websites tell them it 's true . What is true anymore ? It 's certainly not " verifiable fact " because there 's nothing verifiable in anything either site gives us , while stuff like Impetus Sand is proven and verifiable , but you won 't catch these sites talking to you about it . This was not a great Christmas season for me , and I don 't have any fear of telling you why . Most of you know I 've gotten death threats before , and to be honest , I 'm proud of them , because being threatened just tells me that they consider me a threat . But over the Christmas season , the threats started being launched at my new employers at nuviews . org , including a virus that got sent to my bosses ' computers . The link I provided last week at optimumscience . net is down now , and in fact , when I google " Magnus Ellison " I get zero hits . They 've done it ; they 've unpersoned him . I have little doubt that in a few months , he or someone suspiciously similar will return to his job as though nothing happened , and will deny that such a thing as Impetus Sand exists . But it won 't be him , not really . His wife will call him the same man , his kids will call him Daddy , but he 'll just be a construct . Of course , pains are being taken to ensure that they can 't find where I am . There are umpteen different proxies and redirects surrounding my IP address , which changes every day . That 's one of the reasons I wanted to work with nuviews . org , but , it appears that they 've managed to infiltrate their offices somehow . I 'm going to be speaking with the CEO at nuviews . org to ensure that this sort of thing can be prevented in the future . I 'm also going to refrain from posting links in my blogs from now on . If I have something to share , I 'm now only going to do it through private messages . This way I will also be able to ensure that people who are clicking on my links are actually interested and reading what 's there . I had an interesting conversation with my brother - in - law today . He likes a good conspiracy theory himself , or at least , he used to . Today he seemed different . More withdrawn . I brought up my old post on the Orpheus Device , which , as some of you may remember , casts a field over you so that literally you are a walking radio to them . You don 't have to use a cell phone or speak in a place where there 's technology around . All you have to do is just speak . Of course , I have screens up around my house which filter sound and add white noise to anything they here , so we were safe to talk , but he still acted like he didn 't want to talk about it . In fact , he is far from the first person that 's started reacting strangely when I talk about my latest online discoveries . Yesterday my neighbor gave me the strangest look when I mentioned Wikipedia , as if she 'd never heard of it . Hmm . It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my friends and family have been gotten to . I don 't think all of them have been replaced with constructs , though I know a few have . This is a mild concern , because it makes me feel like they 're closing in on my location . My wife started acting abnormally when she switched to a new moisturizer . I don 't know how many times I warned her to never do that , in fact to pretty much only use what hygiene products you have to , and even then to make sure you buy them from places like the Dollar Store or other places that it 's unfashionable to shop in . Nanoseeds are in everything , these days . The more you use it , the more you likely have in you , altering the way you think , getting you to suppress the desire to think too much about what you hear , what you read . I 'm sure I have some Nanoseeds in me ; it 's unavoidable . I tried for a few months boiling and refrigerating jugs of tap water and only drinking that , but I kept running out of the boiled stuff and needing to drink something , so I 'd break down and have a glass of water straight from the tap . I do my best to counter - act whatever Nanoseeds I might have by relentlessly fighting against any urge I might have to just forget about this stuff for a while and enjoy life . In fact , even today I find myself just plain tired of having to worry about everything like this . I find myself wanting to just say " screw it " , take down my screens , cancel my blog and just live like the other sheep live . After all , would it be so bad ? I know it would improve my marriage , would improve my relations with others in my neighborhood . In fact , I think those Nanoseeds are starting to convince people that the things I blog about , even the stuff that other websites acknowledge as true , don 't actually exist . My wife blew up on me the other day during an argument , telling me that there is no such thing as newsmax . com . She honestly believes that no such website exists . I offered to fire up my laptop and show her , and she just yelled " There you go with that laptop bullshit again ! " She didn 't even want to look . My brother - in - law won 't even speak to me anymore . He might actually be a construct now , but if he were , wouldn 't he be trying to influence me away from my so - called delusions instead of breaking off contact ? No , I don 't think they 've gotten to him . I think he 's just becoming more afraid of what they can do . Lately , though , I 'm not so sure but what nuviews . org hasn 't been bought . I was recently warned about my content . My content hasn 't changed in five years , so I don 't know why they 'd hire me if they think they can make me say different things from what I believe . I 'm not going to back down . It 's important for people to know this stuff . There are so few of us who have discovered the truth , so many who would rather just swallow whatever pablum they 're given and go along to get along . I thought nuviews . org would help me to spread the word . Now I 'm starting to wonder if they 're not part of the problem . This will be my last post on nuviews . org . A representative of theirs called me today . He didn 't even have to tell me ; I could hear it in his voice . He was a construct . Tell me something , people . You can see my posts , right ? You have computers , right ? You surf the net , right ? I ask because today my wife told me today that she was through with my delusions , that she was taking me to see someone , that she would prove to me once and for all that this silly thing called the " internet " was not real and that in fact , " computers " are giant machines that only the government and prestigious universities can use , so the idea of a laptop was absurd . She told me that my laptop is only a briefcase . It 's happening . They 're unpersoning me . First they got me questioning myself on the bigger stuff , wondering if Nanoseeds , Impetus Sand or Orpheus Devices even exist , and now making me question even if I have readers , a blog , or so much as a computer . I refuse to allow myself to question it . My wife is the delusional one , not me . She 's the one who let more Nanoseeds get inside her thanks to that new moisturizer brand . It 's not going to work . They 're not going to unperson me . - CaffeineHead Out of nowhere I got an email from my brother - in - law . He wants to meet with me . He wants to discuss a few things he 's learned and make sure I can defend myself . He apologized for disappearing , but explained that he realized he was being followed around on a daily basis by men who were doing their best to look innocuous but were always there , every time he examined his surroundings . I hope this isn 't a trick . I 'm going to meet with him today but I am truly afraid that this isn 't what it seems . If all goes well , I 'll blog about it later . " It 's so strange , Dr . Winthrop . My husband was a normal man until five and a half years ago , and then he started talking about strange things like laptops , and blogs and this Internet or Interweb thingy . He would spend hours at a time just staring at an open briefcase , as though there were people in there talking to him . " " Not talking to him , Mrs . Lyman . Reading what he supposedly wrote and replying . We 've seen this delusion in others , a sort of mass psychosis which affects only about one out of a hundred people , but the delusion they share is so real to them that when they discuss it with each other , you could almost believe they 're talking about something real . Of course , in most cases , it 's harmless . They just think they 're getting the latest updates on their favorite singers , or actors . They think they 're sharing photos or brief statements with each other . But in other cases , such as your husband 's , the delusion turns paranoid . But rest assured , your husband will get the treatment he needs . " Orton managed to work around Lyman 's efforts to alert Linda , Orton 's sister and Lyman 's wife , of our existence . Her Nanoseeds have convinced her that she has delivered her husband into psychiatric care , and that the internet , even laptops , do not exist . It may be necessary to program all Nanoseeds to believe this within the next five years , as more and more websites like nuviews . org are springing up . I recommend once again cutting off the source of such sites rather than simply taking over each site as we discover them . Linda Lyman is the 1 , 395 , 983th individual we have had to reprogram to believe that the Internet does not exist . Eventually one of them will say the wrong thing and alert more people to our presence . Posted by But I had tried doing the companionship thing , and it never seemed to be for me . I had a girlfriend for two years , but she left me because I rarely wanted to go out with her friends , preferring to stay home , just the two of us . The feeling that was most prominent after she left was relief . I also tried hanging out with a group of people I met online . As in , hanging out with them in the real world . I did this because my ex - girlfriend told me I needed to get out more , to meet people , to come out of my shell . I realized after hanging out with them that I liked my shell better . Again , it 's not that I didn 't like them . I 'm just not a hang - out kind of person . I 'm not an Asperger 's patient or anything . I can have conversations , I can be friendly . I 've stopped to help strangers on the side of the road who were having car trouble . I 've helped people move who I barely knew . I 've donated blood just because I could . I 've volunteered at a homeless shelter . It 's just a matter of preferring to stay in on a Friday night with a good book , when having a group of friends would mean I 'd feel obligated to go out instead . I woke up , and the first thing I noticed was that the power was out . I live in an older building just south of downtown . The kind of place where the carpet in the halls is stained all over with god - knows - what , the paint on the walls is chipped and peeling , in many places the ceiling is just a collection of exposed pipes , the elevators make odd noises like they 're straining on even the lightest load , and the whole place carries the heady bouquet of booze , cigarettes and weed . The power 's gone out before . The last time it happened , it didn 't come back on for two days . I had just gone grocery shopping the day before . Sucks having to throw out stuff you just bought . So , when I woke , my first feeling was irritation . " They had better not take forever getting it back on this time , " I muttered . Now , where you live , the power probably mostly goes out only after a storm , fire or heavy snowfall . In my building , with wiring that was probably installed during the Ford administration and hadn 't really been upgraded since , the power could go out at any time of the year , and needed no outside catalyst to do so . So it never crossed my mind to wonder why , on a wet - but - not - stormy day in April , the power would go out like this . My alarm clock was dead , of course , so I checked the time on my phone . I swore and leaped into the shower , not caring that the water was ice cold , and that I couldn 't see my hand in front of my face . Even if I walked out the door this very minute , I was going to be an hour late for work . I hate being late . I usually try to be at least fifteen minutes early . It 's a weird side - effect of introverts that we 're usually pretty anal retentive about being on time . Now , this is probably when I first felt it ; that sense of unease . I did my best to ignore it , because I wasn 't a child anymore , and feelings like that are just your mind running away on you . But it was hard to ignore , and not just because of the total darkness of the stairwell . It was because I realized at that point that I had not seen another human being that entire morning . This , by itself , was not an alarming thing . I had often made it to the elevator before without seeing another person . However , while descending into the dark , holding my phone before me , LED light shining , I realized a couple of things that seemed out of place . First , I heard no noise coming from behind any of the other apartments ' doors , which I should have considering the air was off . Second , I was late . I usually left for work before the rush , but today I was leaving at the same time that a lot of other people should be . On an ordinary day , maybe some of them took the elevator and few took the stairs , but today , they all should be on the stairs with me . When I got to the ground floor , things got even stranger . When I had first opened my windows , I had failed to notice just how still the morning was . But I noticed now . The only cars on the street were parked . Not another soul was in sight . The businesses at street level didn 't appear open or closed ; they were just dark and empty . I swallowed the lump of fear that was rising in my throat and told myself that there had to be a good reason for this . But my mind was refusing to accept that . It was 8 : 30 AM on a Tuesday . The streets should be deluged with cars , the sidewalks filled up with people . There should be noise , there should be life . But the only sound was the light wind that wailed between buildings . One ring . Two . Three . Several more . Then voice mail . My boss 's bored voice saying " please leave a message " was the first voice other than my own that I had heard all morning . I opened up a browser and started checking local news . But there wasn 't anything new since yesterday . In fact , my connection was sluggish and eventually dropped out completely . I tried calling a co - worker , the only co - worker whose number I had . He had been the one to offer it to me . Others were always trying to reach out . That wasn 't something I did . He didn 't answer either . I began to wonder if the power outage was affecting the cell towers in the area . Could the power really be out for that wide an area ? I went back to the stairs , phone LED light on again , and began climbing . My apartment was on the eighth floor . I 'm not in the best of shape , and my legs were starting to ache by the third flight . It was the fourth flight , though , when the light on my phone began to fade and then went out completely . " No , no , no ! " I whispered . I thumbed the home button . I then remembered that the phone had not charged during the night as it normally would have . There would have been just enough power left for the one phone call and momentary surfing , plus these trips with the light on . I must have ignored the low power warning , and now it was too late . The phone was a paperweight . " Piece of shit , " I muttered . Somehow I already knew to keep my voice to a whisper . I put the phone back in its clip and stood on the stairs for a moment , calming down . You 'd think I would be glad to know that another person was still around . You 'd think that after noticing how empty my world was all of a sudden , that I 'd be relieved to know that I was not alone . And for a moment , I tried to tell myself that I was . The footsteps were slow , inexorable . They echoed through the darkness like the slow drumbeat before a death march . They were somewhat soft , at first , though I could tell the feet that made their tread was heavy . But they were getting nearer . From their sound , they were less than two flights below me . I didn 't think . I bolted up the stairs . I paused at the top of every flight to listen . They kept coming . I thought of calling out , but every instinct said that would be foolish . I tried telling myself it was just my misanthropy rearing its ugly head again , but this feeling wasn 't a mere wish to be by myself for a while . Every sense I had told me that in this unnatural stillness , this unthinkable emptiness , that nothing should be moving . I had not heard so much as the bark of a dog from within this building . But something else was here besides me . I knew , at the core of my being , that it wasn 't supposed to be there . I reached my floor and headed out into the hallway . I paused at the door after pulling it closed and listened . Those footsteps continued , not even having increased their pace . They sounded much closer . The hallway was empty , as I knew it would be . I pulled myself away from the door and listened . My own heartbeat , hammering in my ears , and my heavy breathing were the only sounds I heard . There was a window at the end of the hallway , letting in dim grey light , but it was still hard to see . I began walking left . The hallway had an intersection up ahead . I turned right , the direction of my apartment , and kept walking . Behind me , I heard the door to the stairwell open . The footsteps , still slow but unrelenting , started down the hallway . I waited . Maybe they had turned in the other direction . But no , they were getting louder . Coming toward me . I turned and walked quickly in the direction of my apartment . I didn 't run . If I ran , I would make more noise . I tried to keep my breathing quiet as well . I reached my apartment , but still heard those footsteps behind me . At any moment their owner would turn the corner . I reached for my keys , but a new thought struck me . The footsteps sounded close enough that this . . . person . . . could turn the corner just as I was closing the door . Then my one safe hiding place would be exposed . Thinking quickly , I turned and ran as quietly as I could in the same direction as before , heading for the other stairwell on this floor . And then I began to feel a little silly . After all , why was I so convinced that this person was pursuing me ? I was the only person I had seen today , but that was the unnatural thing , not the sudden appearance of another person . Somehow , some incident , a disaster or abduction or rapture , or whatever , had emptied my neighborhood , but left me behind , and if I was still here , why would I assume that no one else was ? This person could just be someone else who lived on the eighth floor , likely just as confused and terrified as I was . I shook my head and laughed at myself , but I stuck with my plan . I circled around the building , headed for the other stairwell . Reaching it , I began to climb up . . . I instantly flew back down the stairs and back into the hallway , running full tilt for the very stairs I had just come down , bolting back up them . I cautiously opened the door back on my floor , listening . No steps as of yet . All thoughts of the footsteps belonging to another confused , frightened person had left my mind . Those heavy treads did not belong to a person who was in the same situation as me . They did not sound frightened , or confused . They were purposeful . A purpose that I knew could not be good . This time , I reached my apartment and managed to get inside . I locked the door , the deadbolt , and secured the chain on the door . I stood there for a second , feeling like that wasn 't enough , and finally put a chair under the knob . Then I went into the living room and huddled against the large window . For a very long time , nothing happened . And then I heard them again . There was no doubt in my mind now that the footsteps were coming for me . They trod , persistently , inescapably closer , starting to slow further as they reached my apartment door . They stopped . Just on the other side of my door , something waited , possibly listening for me , but knowing beyond a doubt that I was inside . I thought I could smell something from the hall . Something that smelled . . . hot . That 's the only way I can describe it . It smelled hot . I waited . It waited . The silence was palpable . I felt that the air between us had solidified , waiting , as the world did , for the inevitable . My doorknob rattled . First a little , then vigorously . I sat there , numb , my breath coming in short gasps , my heart beating so fast it felt like a continuous pressure in my chest . Finally the rattling stopped . I slowly pulled myself away from the window and fired up my laptop . Unlike my phone , it had not been on all night and the battery was still fully charged . I don 't know if anyone is still out there to read this . I don 't even know how long the internet will continue to work . I never needed people before today , but I sure need them now . Being a misanthrope has its oddities , but no situation I 've been in has been more odd than this . He lived far from where his three children had settled . Grandma died when I was a small child , and he ended up remarrying another woman a few years later who demanded that he move out west so that she could be nearer to her sons . She was a piece of work , was Grandma Hester . We all wondered how Grandpa could stand her . It turns out that perhaps he could not . We 're not precisely sure when he developed dementia , but it was probably years before we noticed it . He 'd tell us about people he was speaking to , or visiting with , or a trip he took . Years later , after we learned he was suffering from dementia , we 'd learn that conversation , that visit or that trip never actually happened . For all we really know , any story he told us from the last decade and a half leading up to his coming back east could be a false memory . We would have no way of knowing . Hester rarely communicated with us herself . Probably our first clue that Grandpa wasn 't himself anymore happened a few weeks after he came back east to live with my parents . Most of the family had settled in one area ; my wife and I lived in the south end of our city , as did one set of cousins , but my father and his two sisters all lived in the north , within driving distance of each other . A few of my aunts ' children had moved out of town , and my brother had as well , but there were still enough of us around that Grandpa could visit with . We would often have gatherings at my parents ' house where Grandpa would either hold court with some story or would go to sleep . Later that same month , he told my aunts and uncles the story of how he came out east after living with Hester got to be too much . " I prayed to the Lord , " said Grandpa . " And the next thing I knew , Martin was there . " Martin was my father . I remembered him driving out to the tiny , cold house on a hill in Colorado to get Grandpa . He had not come due to any divine intervention . He had come because Grandpa called him in the night and pleaded with him to come get him . We all loved Grandpa , but caring for him was not easy . For one thing , Grandpa had gotten it into his head that he was a young , single man with many years ahead of him , and the only thing missing was a young woman at his side . If he spoke for any length of time with a younger woman , he became convinced that she was in love with him , and that perhaps she should be his new bride . Hester was even still alive at this point . He had forgotten her utterly . Dad and Mom didn 't let him go on walks by himself , but that didn 't mean he didn 't sneak away sometimes when Dad was away and Mom was in the basement . He had to use a walker to get around , and simply couldn 't do stairs , but refused to admit this to anyone , including himself , leading to a lot of falls . He would also get confused as to where he was , or where he lived . At times , during his walks , he would attempt to find the old family home that he raised my father and aunts in , despite it having been long gone since before I was born . Dad picked him up from a police station , where he had been taken after some patrol officers saw him wandering around , clearly lost . The time he tried to drive Dad 's car was after that . He decided that the reason he got lost is because he had to walk . He managed to get the E - break off and rolled right down the fairly steep incline outside my parents ' house , crashing into a fence . The damage was minimal , but after that incident , my parents realized he needed to be in a full time care facility . My father visited him three times a week . I have no idea how often my aunts went , or if they even did . I tended to only go when there was a family gathering , and increasingly I began to realize that he had no clue who I was . He 'd smile and greet me as though I was someone he had just met . He 'd tell me about his children , describing them as " little kids " , and even going as far as to invent a friend who was looking after them while he was in this home with " all these old people . " Grandpa was 93 at the time . He was much older than many of the others who lived there . But somehow , they were the " old people " , while he was not . But he had never been violent before . That changed one night when Dad was called to come to the facility quickly . Grandpa had wandered into the wrong room , and had come out screaming , raising his walker up in the air and slamming it into the ground , taking a few swings at people who tried to calm him down . He began accusing the staff of stealing his things . He was bellowing as loud as he could : " Give them back ! Give them back ! " When Dad got there , they had gotten him into his room , and he was somewhat appeased . Somewhat . He had a can of Ensure in a tube sock , and almost hit my father in the head with it when he came in . He apologized ( Dad was one of the few people he always recognized ) , and said he had been waiting for " the thief " to come back . " A man who 'd steal from me 'd just as soon kill me , " he explained . The Ensure - in - a - sock was his weapon to fend off the thief . He told Dad about the men who had come to give him all his things back . " They put it all back , just like it was , " he said . " Didn 't take ' em long . " Later that night , he told Dad about how much it had scared Florence . He hated that she 'd had to go through that . Florence was my grandmother ; the one who died when I was six . He finished by saying that Florence had gone somewhere , and when he went looking for her : " They told me she was dead . One day , they 're gonna come looking for me , and they 're gonna find me dead . " That was a jolt to my father . Grandpa had never , at any point before that , acknowledged his mortality , his advanced age , or the fact that he had probably no more than a handful of years left at best . Aging , and death , was something that happened to other people . But here he was , accepting that death was near . That wasn 't the last night he mentioned the thief . He even gave the thief a name ; Charlie Rosen . It was strange that he would invent a whole person , name included . He didn 't even name the friend who was looking after his kids . In fact , that person ceased to exist ; Charlie Rosen had stolen his kids . Had killed Florence . Had come to his home in Colorado and routinely taunted him , beat him , and he even declared that Hester had been sleeping with him . He remembered her now , and was certain that she and Charlie were ganging up on him to make his life a living hell . In the last six months of his life , he would become increasingly agitated . Dad could not have a single visit wherein Grandpa would not mention Charlie . And then the violence started up again . In one visit , Grandpa accused Dad of being Charlie , and attacked him . After that , Dad 's visits dropped to once a week , and he didn 't stay long . Once , I went with him . It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive , and I will never forget it . " Charlie was here again today , " Grandpa told us as soon as we arrived . " He told me I couldn 't leave this room anymore . He 's trapped me here . " " Dad , this is where you live , " my father tried to explain . " See , here 's a picture of Mother . Why would Charlie let you keep that ? " " Mother had an aneurysm , " said Dad . " You and I decided together to unplug the machine . She died in her sleep , but no one killed her . " " No , no , it was Charlie . " Grandpa 's voice was not agitated . It was solid , like he knew for a fact what he was saying . " He poisoned her . Made something go wrong in her head . I didn 't know it then , but I realized it later , after he introduced me to Hester . Conned me into marrying her . He 's my personal demon , that Charlie . " Dad finally had had enough . " There is no Charlie ! " he said , nearly shouting . You aren 't supposed to correct people who have dementia ; it just confuses them more and makes them upset . But my father forgot this in that moment . " Charlie is someone you made up ! Mother died naturally , you met Hester at a coffee shop years after Mother died , and while she was not a nice woman , she was not unfaithful to you ! Please , stop talking about Charlie ! " " Dear Lord in Heaven , " said Grandpa . " He got to you . He told you to say these things . You 're part of it too ! " " I don 't want to play any fucking checkers ! " screamed Grandpa . I couldn 't have been more surprised if he 'd hit me . Grandpa had never used profanity in his life . " By - words " , as he called them , were only used by bad men , as far as he was concerned . " Not with you ! Not with him ! Charlie Rosen 's pet demons ! He comes to me every day . He talks to me about Florence . He taunts me . He reads my mind and he takes thoughts away and puts in new ones , worse ones . He tells me about how he rapes my little ones . How he and Hester keep them half - starved and chained in their basement . I can 't stop him ! He can go inside my mind ! He 's controlling me ! " We left after that , without saying goodbye . Driving home , I almost wanted to cry . This kind , loving man was ending his days as a raving , violent lunatic . It wasn 't right . It wasn 't fair . What kind of monster was this Charlie ? That thought stopped me cold . For an instant , I had accepted that Charlie was real . Giving my head a shake , I resolved to think about something else . But an image of Charlie had been forming in my mind , beginning a few months back , when Grandpa had first started talking about him . I only now realized that when Grandpa spoke of this demonic man , I was picturing him in my mind , and I could see him as clearly as I could memories of real people . I thought of the last time I had visited Grandpa in that tiny house in the mountains of Colorado , when I was a teenager , sitting at that little round table while Hester served us some of her inedible glop , and I would see a man standing in the corner of the kitchen , watching us eat . A tall , gangly man with leathery skin stretched over sharp - looking bone and corded muscle . Shaggy grey hair hanging down , obscuring the upper part of his face , his smile stretching like a knife - slash across his jaw . I thought of the wedding . I was twelve years old . I met Hester for the first time . And standing a ways behind her was that same man . I remember a family gathering at the facility Grandpa was concurrently staying at . Didn 't we pass that man in the hall once ? No , of course not . These were just images my mind had cooked up the more Grandpa talked about this shady character that never existed . The brain can do that ; insert false people in your memory just because you decide , subconsciously , to remember them . It doesn 't mean you 're insane ; it 's just another way for your brain to play tricks on you . Grandpa had invented a person who he talked about with such conviction , as though Charlie was real . So my mind had conjured up a Charlie Rosen . But there was no Charlie Rosen . Everything was normal at the start . My parents , my aunts and uncles , my wife and I , and our children , my brother and his wife , and their son , my cousins , their spouses and their children , we all gathered under the same roof for the first time in years . No one was missing . No one was out of town and couldn 't make it . Two of my cousins I hadn 't seen since they were children . It was nice to catch up with them . The service was nice , as well . The pastor who served the spiritual needs at Grandpa 's facility was the officiator . Grandpa looked calm and peaceful , whole , so unlike what he had been in the last few months of life . I started to feel calm myself ; Grandpa was where he belonged now , where the devils of his own fevered , decaying brain couldn 't get to him anymore . And then we drove to the cemetery . The coffin was lowered . We all sprinkled a handful of dirt on the coffin and began our walk back to the cars . And then the gravedigger came out of the shadows to start shoveling the rest of the dirt . I could barely read the embroidered name tag on his coveralls . It looked like " C . Rose " or " C . Risen " . Or . . . no . It couldn 't be . He was tall , gangly , with leathery skin , sharp - looking bones , corded muscle , long grey hair . And that smile . That smile that haunts my nightmares to this day . Today , I felt like I had to write all this down . To make sure I remember it all , before things get worse . Because today , my father called me to complain that Charlie was driving past his house and staring in his windows . I 'm very worried about my son . More than worried , at this point . Terrified . His behavior these past few weeks is not normal , not healthy . It makes me think there 's something wrong . At first , he would just come and stand at the door way . He did this at night , just before I 'd be ready to fall asleep . I 'd roll over to turn off the lamp , and he 'd be standing there , in the doorway . I used to try to speak to him . I don 't do that anymore . He never has answered me . He just stares . A couple of days ago , he graduated from standing in the doorway to coming in and sitting on the bed . He still doesn 't speak . I have asked him what he wants . I 've asked him if anything is bothering him . It 's not like him to be so quiet . He usually waits until my wife is asleep . That 's the part that gets me . She always falls asleep before me , and he has never come in when she 's awake . But then , she didn 't have a hand in this . If something doesn 't change soon , I don 't know what I 'm gonna do . I 'm starting to feel like he knows that I 'm the one who killed him . |
My flight landed three hours late . I was beyond exhausted . I can 't sleep on planes . I waited for my luggage looking like a zombie and feeling even worse . My car sat where I 'd parked it five days ago . It looked like a woman waiting in the door for her cheating husband who 'd been gone three hours longer than he 'd said he 'd be . I schlepped to the trunk and heaved in my suitcase . At the time I didn 't even notice that no one else was going to their car , despite the flight having been booked to maximum . It was November 12th . Snow wasn 't falling yet , but was threatening to . The lights in the parkade glared in my eyes and beyond the lot I could see only blackness . I put the key into the ignition and pulled out , leaving the airport behind and heading west on Highway 348 . Within just a couple of miles I realized I was surrounded on all sides by a dense fog worthy of a John Carpenter movie . I wasn 't bugged so much by that as the fact that my headlights were reflecting little back to me other than a swirling wall of white . The street lights were more hindrance than help . I switched to low beams and drove a bit slower than normal . The fog was thicker than cotton . I could see only a few feet ahead . Passing a streetlight meant momentary light - blindedness . I began to feel disoriented , as if I was driving through clouds . After a while , the streetlights ended and my own headlights were the only light source around . I turned on the radio , but was met with low - humming static on every station . It only added to the rudderless feeling in my bones . I was a sailor on a tiny skiff adrift in strange , silent waters . I could see glimpses of landscape here and there beside the road . Open fields with unknown crops , the odd scarecrow , but no houses . No people . No other cars . For the first time , I realized that I was utterly alone . I have always enjoyed the comforting quiet of chosen solitude . This was not that . This was the quiet of the crypt . There was no movement within the fog , aside from the odd tree waving slightly in the low early winter breeze . I could hear the running of my tires against the asphalt . I could hear the low hiss of the heater . I could hear my own heart beating in my ears . These noises seemed to shout in the stillness . And then , as if summoned from the ethereal fog , two pinpricks of light sprouted in my rear - view . Seeing them , my heart began to thud more loudly . There is nothing less natural than the feeling of utter isolation except for when that isolation is broken just when you have begun to accept it . The headlights from behind crept closer . Their approach filled me with an inexplicable terror that gnawed at the edges of my vision , making the world tremor before my eyes . I was suddenly sure that whoever was in that car was following me , had been searching for me , and would hunt me . An off - ramp became evident in the fog . My rational self surfaced just long enough to remind myself that I was already on the correct road , but . . . was I ? Had I passed endless fields with no houses on the way out to the airport ? Were there not streetlights for mile after mile on the correct road ? Was I perhaps already lost ? " If he 's not following me , he 'll keep going , " I whispered to myself . This was pure folly , of course . The driver could live on this road . It was I who had taken the wrong path , but that didn 't mean it was the wrong path for everyone . The lights followed me . To my fevered mind , they were no longer headlights , but malevolent eyes , hunting me through the darkness , glowing their eldritch glow as they searched for me . I kept driving , trying to talk myself into believing that I being ridiculous , but as the headlights grew closer , the more like eyes they seemed . A sudden thought rose in my mind . What if the car belonged to a police officer who just wanted to tell me a tail light was out ? I didn 't think either of my tail lights were , but what if my license plate light was out ? This time it was my rational self that knocked that thought down . A police officer doesn 't follow you for miles without so much as flashing his red - and - blues or sounding his siren . I was so preoccupied with the lights in my rear - view that I failed to notice that I should be seeing streetlights again by now . I had been driving in the other direction , headed back to the airport , for a good hour before I realized that , aside from my headlights and the ones behind me , there were no other light sources whatsoever . The fog was still thick , but translucent in patches . I still saw nothing but endless fields . This entire ordeal had gone far enough . I pulled over . As I was now certain it would , the car behind me , if car it was , pulled over as well . I steeled myself , screwing my courage to the sticking point , as the saying goes . I didn 't have a gun . The closest thing I had to a weapon was an 18 - inch crescent wrench that was old and rusty . It was laying in my back seat . I picked it up and got out . Viewing the lights from this angle made it clear that they were indeed headlights . The only question now was what sort of person was following me , and why . I conjured up a picture of a faceless man in a long coat with a hood over his face . . . . it was a tiny Honda Civic , painted an almost purplish shade of blue . Seated at the wheel was a thin man with thick horn - rims . He was losing his hair . The man was hardly looking at me . His eyes darted about in the fog . " I . . . uh . . . " he said . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " " Your car was the only one I 've seen in over three hours , " he said . His voice was high and tinny . " I don 't know where I am . . . where . . . where we are . I thought if I didn 't let your car out of my sight that maybe . . . maybe we 'd get out of here . Wherever this is . " " Start making sense , moron , " I said . I was starting to feel justifiably angry . " We 're on Highway 348 . You probably came from the airport the same way I did ! " " Airport ? " The guy seemed utterly mystified . " There 's . . . there 's no airport around here . I was on the road from Kingsport to visit my sister in Bristol . Wait , what highway did you say this was ? " " Ah . . . actually , " he began , then broke off in a fit of bitter laughter . " I . . . ha ha . . . I don 't think it 's either place . Look around you , friend . Do you think we 're still anywhere we should be ? " Until he said this , I had been focused entirely on him . Him and that tiny little car . The fog shifted all about us , and I could see as little as before . Except . . . I realized that I could see more now . Both our cars were turned off now . No lights shown around us at all except a thin , wan glow that filtered through the fog like a tea light through a diaphanous curtain . I saw how still everything remained . . . but then , nothing was still . Silently , as though walking on pure air , shapes were moving through the fog . Gigantic , monstrous shapes . They writhed and danced in the low light , and what I could see of them made me feel quite certain that they should not exist . They boiled together in obscene movements , never ceasing , never confirming their own eldritch shapes to my unbelieving eyes . I saw a giant being with arms protruding from all sides ushering thousands of smaller versions of itself through the curtain of fog . Summers when I was a kid were spent at my grandmothers 's place . At the time , my parents didn 't have cable , so I spent a lot - and I mean a lot - of time in front of her TV watching whatever I could find that was even a little entertaining . I remember a lot of it , but there 's other stuff that exists as fragments of memory and to this day I have no idea if I was hallucinating or if this stuff really exists somewhere . The first was a scene with several old men sitting around the table . It looked like it was filmed on video , and I remember the men having British accents , though , since I lived in the south , it could very well have been New York accents and it would have sounded just as foreign to me . Anyway , they 're just having a meeting of some sort or another when one of them suddenly says " . . . what 's happening to him ? " I don 't remember the name of the man he was pointing out . All I remember is that the camera cut to the man in question and his face was melting . As in , falling right off his skull . It looked like a mudslide with an eyeball or two thrown in . The effects might have been cheap and cheesy , and if I saw it today , I probably wouldn 't think much of it . But at the time it sickened me , and in my memory it looks more realistic than the Nazis having their faces melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Not to mention slower , so you have more time to absorb what 's really happening . To this day that face - melting just shows up in my memory . I have no idea what this is from . Google , again , was no help . As far as the world at large is concerned , this scene did not happen . It was never on television . No one I 've talked to remembers it , even on websites all about trying to pin down various movies and TV series and putting names to them . But I remember . I can 't stop remembering , and I remember just enough so that , while I can 't forget it , I can 't figure out if it was real , either . My grandmother died recently . She was over 80 and Grandpa died a long time ago , so it was time to go through her estate , get it all divvied up and put the house on the market . I wasn 't responsible for most of that , but I did travel upstate for three days to help clear out the attic , basement and bedrooms and help get the house looking sellable . All three nights that I slept there , I kept hearing voices coming from other rooms in the house . Not dreams , because I hadn 't fallen asleep yet . I 'm not the type who generally hears voices , and these were not voices of people I knew . They were the voices from the programs . I would be laying in bed , and from my grandmother 's den where the television was , I would hear a sudden shout of " You 're not my parents ! You can 't be ! " . I would hear robotic , monotonous laughter . " Ha . Ha . Ha . " I would hear " What 's happening to him ? " And here 's the kicker , the reason I decided to make a post about it ; each time I heard these voices , I would go into the den and the TV would be on , showing static . The voices would be silent at that point , but I never turned the TV on . I turned it off each time , only to hear the voices moments later , and realize it had turned back on . My level of education is not sufficient to get hired at the jobs where you make the big bucks . For a long time I cut grass , shoveled sidewalks or flipped burgers . And then there was the time I scored a position as a night watchman at a local office complex . There wasn 't much to the night watchman job . The building is three floors and a basement , most of which is viewable from a bank of monitors in a back room . The building 's in a pretty quiet area of town , and there 's nothing in it to steal , so really , I discovered on my first shift that this was a pretty low - key sort of job . Gerry showed me the ropes , along with the guy I 'd be sharing part of my shift with , a younger guy named Mike . Gerry was nearing sixty , if he wasn 't already past it , but the best you 'd ever get from him was " Forty - five and holding . " Mike was younger than me ; didn 't even look like he 's been out of high school for very long . Gerry was the afternoon security guard who , technically , was in charge of Mike and I . Which is to say that he made sure we kept the sheets properly and caught hell if we didn 't , but he didn 't actually have any authority over us , and never acted like he did . If anything , it was more like three guys who did the same job ; Gerry did his from 4 PM to midnight , Mike came on duty at 5 PM , which is when the business day was officially over , and stayed until 1 AM , and I started at midnight and finished at 8 AM , officially opening the doors in the morning to let in Lester , the morning security guard , whom I rarely ever interacted with . Within a week , I fit into the rhythm of the place very easily . Gerry and Mike were fun guys . I 'd get there in time to hang out with both men for a bit , share a smoke with Mike and Gerry before Gerry departed for the night , and then hung out , joked , smoked and argued with Mike until he left , at which point I 'd usually pick up a novel , play games on my phone or just about anything to keep my mind occupied , until the morning . There were duties other than monitoring the stations , of course . Every hour , on the hour , a full circuit of each floor , and the basement , was necessary , and I was to mark on the sheet that I had done so , and put an " AC " for " all clear " next to my name , unless I found something out of the ordinary , which rarely happened . I was told that at worst I might right down that a light needed replacing or there was a drip in the ceiling somewhere . About three weeks into the job , I first heard the term " Joe the Creep " . Gerry said it in response to something Mike had said . When I think back to the conversation , I can 't really recall what Mike said to prompt him , but Gerry had laughed and said " Yeah , and I 'm gonna let old Joe the Creep get me , too . " Mike laughed back in response . I didn 't pay too much attention then , but after a couple of other references to " Joe the Creep " , I started to get a little curious . It would always be a snide reference of some sort , like " Don 't take too long in the toilet , Mike , Joe the Creep 's probably watching you masturbate " or " Shower before the next shift , okay , Gerry ? You 're starting to smell like Joe the Creep " or even " Dude , the only guy interested in your story is Joe the Creep . " The straw that broke the camel 's back happened on my last night there . I 'd been there for just over three months . You 'll understand in just a bit why I quit the next morning . I was running slightly behind . The bus was late . Mike and Gerry were having a smoke , and I walked up to join them . Everything was normal for the first bit . Gerry was telling a ribald joke , Mike was laughing and hocking spit between each puff , and both greeted me like always when I walked up to the smoking area . So . He was a real person . This was an interesting turn . Up until now he seemed like a story ; an in - joke among the staff . I looked at Gerry and said " Well ? " Gerry took a long puff on his smoke and smiled , looking a little abashed . " Coulda sworn I told you , but oh well . Joe was a guy who used to work here back in . . . I wanna say it was the mid - 80 's but it could have been the late 70 's . He wasn 't here all that long , but while he was here , he made an impression . He didn 't talk much , or at least , not to other people . He would come in , staring at the floor , mumbling to himself . He took his lunch breaks alone , didn 't speak to anyone unless they spoke to him first , didn 't seem to even realize others were around . You 've worked with guys like that , right ? Something 's just a little off ? " " Well , Joe , it turns out , actually was a bit of a creep . He kept writing stuff down in a little notebook , and never would let the rest of us see it , but one day he accidentally dropped it while in the elevator . There was a woman who worked here then , her name was Sue , I think , and she saw just a bit of what was in the notebook . It was enough to make her notify HR about him . " " Sue wasn 't allowed to talk about it , but boy did HR tear him a new one . He got a one - week suspension , and when he came back , he was even worse than before . Now he would stare at people , hardly even blinking , until they looked at him and then he would look away . He did this to me , once , but I told him if I caught him looking at me like that again , we 'd have it out in the parking lot . " But then the day came when a woman came shrieking out of the file room . Turned out that Joe was in there , hiding behind the cabinets and staring at her . Her eye managed to accidentally land on him , and he hissed at her . Nobody saw that but her , but I never had any trouble believing her , and they did find Joe in the copy room , still behind the cabinets . Needless to say , he was fired on the spot , but he asked if he could go get some of his personal files out of the basement before he left . " " Yeah , probably , " said Gerry . " Back then , they didn 't really think about sending someone down with him . They just had a guard wait at the top of the stairs . I mean , you know there 's only one flight of stairs going down there . " " Cliched , isn 't it ? " said Gerry . " Yep . Hanging by his belt . That part I can verify , because when they were carrying out his body , the sheet that was over it slipped a little , and I saw the ligature marks . That was the end of Joe the Creep , or so they say . " " Or so they say ? " I mimicked , wiggling my eyebrows . " Don 't tell me . Joe the Creep haunts the basement to this very day ? " " Well , that part 's the silly part , " said Gerry . " See , there was a rumor that he had stashed that notebook down there , and that was what he was going to get . But for some reason he decided to hang himself instead . And , just like any story , it 's sorta grown since then . Now there 's even a rhyme you 're not supposed to say . " At that , Gerry 's face got a bit red and he seemed to choke a bit on his smoke . " Well , I . . . " he began . " Well , not . . . not really . I started to once , but . . . well , I don 't like to play with stuff like that . Never did the Bloody Mary trick either . I been down in that basement lotsa times , and nothing ever happened , so why play around and invite something like that , right ? " Something felt cold on my neck . Up until that moment , it had all seemed like an amusing story . But Gerry 's reaction was real . He believed in Joe the Creep . Believed enough to never test the legend , apparently . We finished our smokes and went inside . When we got to the security booth , Gerry started packing up his stuff and I realized that we were all three as quiet as the grave . We usually were still laughing and joking at this point . Gerry even stayed quiet when he started heading out , not even saying good night . Mike must have noticed , because a few seconds later , he leapt up and followed him out . I sat at the station monitors and stared at the various rooms as they flashed by . And I thought : Joe the Creep . How silly . But somehow , the image of being watched through a crack in filing cabinets , of a crazy man hissing as I spot him , stayed with me . Joe the Creep , who died in the deep . Don 't close your eyes or he 'll kill you in your sleep . " Nothing , " said Mike , but gave himself away a second later . " Hey , let 's start with the basement this time , okay ? " Usually the basement was last . " Well , listen , man , " said Mike . " If you won 't say it , I 'm gonna say it . But then I 'm not going down there , so it 's up to you if you want to leave it off the rounds for the night . " " I knew you were scared , " said Mike . " You believe in the legend , don 't you ? You 're practically shittin ' in your drawers at the idea of old Joe the Creep coming for you . " But I wasn 't listening . I headed back to the monitor station . Let Mike do the rounds by himself for the rest of his shift , if he was gonna be like that . Oddly enough , he did . By the time his shift was over , he had done two full circuits of all the floors ; all , I noticed , except the basement . He didn 't even so much as crack the doors the rest of the night . I realized I was holding my breath . Stupid of me . Well , I decided enough was enough . I was no child , to believe such silly stories . It was time to man up and do my job . I grabbed my flashlight and notebook , and headed up the stairs . I made my circuit of the top floor , the second floor . Nothing out of the ordinary . The ground floor , where I had started . All clear . The basement was a fairly large room , but smaller in floor space than the above - ground floors . A bank of twelve lights for the entire room were spread out over the ceiling , none of them all that powerful . The basement was a dark room at the best of times . Think the level of lighting in an sub - ground bar at night . The stairs were steep , and they went down surprisingly far . There were stacks of shelves down here that stood anywhere from five feet to fifteen , and the ceiling extended a good ten feet above them . I was pretty far underground . I started my circuit . There were twenty rows . From each one , the one next to it was only visible through tiny spaces between stacked boxes of files . Before I knew what I was doing , I was pulling it down and looking through it . In a scrawling hand , multiple pages were filled with entries . All the ink used was red . As I read them , I realized that if I saw this from a subordinate , my next call would be to the police , not HR . A cartoon head of a woman 's head was drawn crudely next to it . Dots of red were underneath it , and I realized they were meant to represent dripping blood . Her eyes were angry spirals of red . - Steve Linden took my parking space today . He didn 't even apologize . I began to notice a stink in the air . No , not a stink . A fetid stench . It was like someone had let off ten stink bombs right next to me . The air had grown still , and I heard something in the silence . A schlep that sounded wet and rubbery . I shown my flashlight down the row and saw movement in the row next to mine . My blood froze , and I struggled to breathe . The figure continued to walk slowly , inexorably down the row . Within a few short minutes it would round the corner and I would be face to face with it . It turned to look in my direction and my flashlight beam caught it . Barely human features glared back at me . The intense , fevered eyes of madness burned through me . My feet came unglued from their spot and I bolted down the row at top speed . The thing was barely moving , apparently expecting me to remain frozen in fear . I made it to the steps and locked the door once I had ascended . I spent the rest of my shift with all the lights on around the monitor desk , wide awake and watching every corner for movement . I was still like that when Lester came and I let him in . My hand was still shaking as I wrote " AC " on all the hour entries on the sheet . His eyes got large when he looked at my face . " Aw , geez , " he said . " Listen man , I . . . I owe you an apology . " " Wait , " I said . " This whole thing 's been a joke ? " I thought of the thing in the row next to me , of the journal that must have been planted for me to find , of the stench of something long dead . " Not all of it , " he said . " But if you heard anything weird last night , someone trying to get in at the back , or something , that was just us . We thought it would be fun to give you a little scare . " " Heard ? " I exclaimed . " I didn 't just hear you idiots , I saw you ! What did you do , rig up some kind of Halloween prop ? Let off some stink bombs ? That wasn 't funny . I 've never been so scared in my life ! " " What ? " Gerry seemed very confused . " We planned to come in through the back while you were on your rounds and scare you , but there 's something wrong with the lock on the back door . We couldn 't get it open . We never got in the building once Mike left . I just . . . felt bad and wanted to apologize . " Let me start by saying , thanks for reading . You guys have been amazing to me . I started this blog when I wasn 't even sure what blogs were , or what I wanted to do with mine . I never dreamed that in just five short years , I 'd have such a large , and loyal , group of readers . Even the trolls , I thank you as well , because every time I get a comment , my hit count goes up and that adds to the revenue I collect from my sponsors . Each and every one of you who have read , liked , disliked , commented or flamed has helped me go from just another college kid to a person who can make a living doing what he loves ; writing . Anyway , I 'm saying all this because I wanted to announce that I 'll be moving to a new URL starting in two weeks . I 've decided that today will be my last post on this blog because there 's going to be a ton of work involved in my next venture . I 'll be joining the ever - expanding ranks of the professional bloggers on nuviews . org . I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to be working with these amazing people . Blogging never felt like a real job before , even with the ad revenue I was generating , but now , now I feel like I 've found my calling . I 'll be writing the same stuff I 've always written , but now it 's actually my job . My old content will still be at this url , but new content will be available at http : / / caffeinehead . nuviews . org starting in two weeks . I 'll still be blogging about as often , but it will be there , not here . I wanted to move my entire back catalog with me , but apparently there 's some potential legal snarls there , and it might work out as too expensive . So , loyal readers , please bookmark the above link and be sure to share it with people you know who read my page on a perhaps more sporadic level than you and might miss this message . Some of you might think that because I 've moved , I 'm gonna start holding back a bit with my viewpoints as to what 's happening , but really , guys . The fantastic folks at newviews . org would not have wanted me if they didn 't want my opinions . So , if you thought I was gonna start pulling my punches or changing my opinions , think again . Sorry , trolls . Then again , no , I 'm not sorry , and really , you aren 't either . You come here to be entertained by me , anyway . I know you do , no need to lie about it . Last week , as I 'm sure many of you have heard , the lie - spreading time waster known as Wikipedia got hit with a massive hack and was offline for over 48 hours . I want to stress that I was not involved , though I have nothing but love for the hackers that accomplished it . Hopefully soon the web 's most infamous deceit factory will be completely unable to spew its filth . I am not in contact with the hackers but I hope their next target is snopes . com . As I 'm sure my readers know , I cannot believe how easy it is to mislead so many people at once . Make a website , get some views , suddenly you 're an authority . Wikipedia allows its readers to generate content . How do they know the content being generated isn 't a lie ? Sure , they have to provide citations , but a citation can just be a link to another lying website , like snopes . How do I know snopes is a group of lying scumbags ? Simple . Just go check their page on Impetus Sand . They say Impetus Sand is a myth . A fraud , conducted by conspiracy theorists . Folks , you know that 's ridiculous . I have seen Impetus Sand in action with my own eyes , and I 'm certain you all have , as well . In fact , just the other day I was speaking with a man while riding the bus , and it hit me halfway through the conversation that I was speaking with a man who did not exist . He might have existed once , but no longer . He was a construct ; a being formed from Impetus Sand . What tipped me off was that at one point he stopped , mid - sentence , blinked his eyes , and started his entire sentence over again , same inflection and everything . He had to reset himself . I see it all the time , but you don 't have to believe me . Just check out this link at http : / / optimumscience . net / archives / 10 / 06 / 05 / the _ impossible _ polymer and have a look at what Dr . Magnus Ellison has to say about it . He 's looked at Impetus Sand under a microscope . Wonder how long it will be before the government disappears him . Anyway , my point is that sites like Wikipedia , Snopes , Drudge . com and others exist mainly to keep us coddled , with the wool over our eyes , never questioning the official story . Even google gives you the hits they want you most to see first . They have created a generation of people who will only believe something if one of these " reputable " websites tell them it 's true . What is true anymore ? It 's certainly not " verifiable fact " because there 's nothing verifiable in anything either site gives us , while stuff like Impetus Sand is proven and verifiable , but you won 't catch these sites talking to you about it . This was not a great Christmas season for me , and I don 't have any fear of telling you why . Most of you know I 've gotten death threats before , and to be honest , I 'm proud of them , because being threatened just tells me that they consider me a threat . But over the Christmas season , the threats started being launched at my new employers at nuviews . org , including a virus that got sent to my bosses ' computers . The link I provided last week at optimumscience . net is down now , and in fact , when I google " Magnus Ellison " I get zero hits . They 've done it ; they 've unpersoned him . I have little doubt that in a few months , he or someone suspiciously similar will return to his job as though nothing happened , and will deny that such a thing as Impetus Sand exists . But it won 't be him , not really . His wife will call him the same man , his kids will call him Daddy , but he 'll just be a construct . Of course , pains are being taken to ensure that they can 't find where I am . There are umpteen different proxies and redirects surrounding my IP address , which changes every day . That 's one of the reasons I wanted to work with nuviews . org , but , it appears that they 've managed to infiltrate their offices somehow . I 'm going to be speaking with the CEO at nuviews . org to ensure that this sort of thing can be prevented in the future . I 'm also going to refrain from posting links in my blogs from now on . If I have something to share , I 'm now only going to do it through private messages . This way I will also be able to ensure that people who are clicking on my links are actually interested and reading what 's there . I had an interesting conversation with my brother - in - law today . He likes a good conspiracy theory himself , or at least , he used to . Today he seemed different . More withdrawn . I brought up my old post on the Orpheus Device , which , as some of you may remember , casts a field over you so that literally you are a walking radio to them . You don 't have to use a cell phone or speak in a place where there 's technology around . All you have to do is just speak . Of course , I have screens up around my house which filter sound and add white noise to anything they here , so we were safe to talk , but he still acted like he didn 't want to talk about it . In fact , he is far from the first person that 's started reacting strangely when I talk about my latest online discoveries . Yesterday my neighbor gave me the strangest look when I mentioned Wikipedia , as if she 'd never heard of it . Hmm . It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my friends and family have been gotten to . I don 't think all of them have been replaced with constructs , though I know a few have . This is a mild concern , because it makes me feel like they 're closing in on my location . My wife started acting abnormally when she switched to a new moisturizer . I don 't know how many times I warned her to never do that , in fact to pretty much only use what hygiene products you have to , and even then to make sure you buy them from places like the Dollar Store or other places that it 's unfashionable to shop in . Nanoseeds are in everything , these days . The more you use it , the more you likely have in you , altering the way you think , getting you to suppress the desire to think too much about what you hear , what you read . I 'm sure I have some Nanoseeds in me ; it 's unavoidable . I tried for a few months boiling and refrigerating jugs of tap water and only drinking that , but I kept running out of the boiled stuff and needing to drink something , so I 'd break down and have a glass of water straight from the tap . I do my best to counter - act whatever Nanoseeds I might have by relentlessly fighting against any urge I might have to just forget about this stuff for a while and enjoy life . In fact , even today I find myself just plain tired of having to worry about everything like this . I find myself wanting to just say " screw it " , take down my screens , cancel my blog and just live like the other sheep live . After all , would it be so bad ? I know it would improve my marriage , would improve my relations with others in my neighborhood . In fact , I think those Nanoseeds are starting to convince people that the things I blog about , even the stuff that other websites acknowledge as true , don 't actually exist . My wife blew up on me the other day during an argument , telling me that there is no such thing as newsmax . com . She honestly believes that no such website exists . I offered to fire up my laptop and show her , and she just yelled " There you go with that laptop bullshit again ! " She didn 't even want to look . My brother - in - law won 't even speak to me anymore . He might actually be a construct now , but if he were , wouldn 't he be trying to influence me away from my so - called delusions instead of breaking off contact ? No , I don 't think they 've gotten to him . I think he 's just becoming more afraid of what they can do . Lately , though , I 'm not so sure but what nuviews . org hasn 't been bought . I was recently warned about my content . My content hasn 't changed in five years , so I don 't know why they 'd hire me if they think they can make me say different things from what I believe . I 'm not going to back down . It 's important for people to know this stuff . There are so few of us who have discovered the truth , so many who would rather just swallow whatever pablum they 're given and go along to get along . I thought nuviews . org would help me to spread the word . Now I 'm starting to wonder if they 're not part of the problem . This will be my last post on nuviews . org . A representative of theirs called me today . He didn 't even have to tell me ; I could hear it in his voice . He was a construct . Tell me something , people . You can see my posts , right ? You have computers , right ? You surf the net , right ? I ask because today my wife told me today that she was through with my delusions , that she was taking me to see someone , that she would prove to me once and for all that this silly thing called the " internet " was not real and that in fact , " computers " are giant machines that only the government and prestigious universities can use , so the idea of a laptop was absurd . She told me that my laptop is only a briefcase . It 's happening . They 're unpersoning me . First they got me questioning myself on the bigger stuff , wondering if Nanoseeds , Impetus Sand or Orpheus Devices even exist , and now making me question even if I have readers , a blog , or so much as a computer . I refuse to allow myself to question it . My wife is the delusional one , not me . She 's the one who let more Nanoseeds get inside her thanks to that new moisturizer brand . It 's not going to work . They 're not going to unperson me . - CaffeineHead Out of nowhere I got an email from my brother - in - law . He wants to meet with me . He wants to discuss a few things he 's learned and make sure I can defend myself . He apologized for disappearing , but explained that he realized he was being followed around on a daily basis by men who were doing their best to look innocuous but were always there , every time he examined his surroundings . I hope this isn 't a trick . I 'm going to meet with him today but I am truly afraid that this isn 't what it seems . If all goes well , I 'll blog about it later . " It 's so strange , Dr . Winthrop . My husband was a normal man until five and a half years ago , and then he started talking about strange things like laptops , and blogs and this Internet or Interweb thingy . He would spend hours at a time just staring at an open briefcase , as though there were people in there talking to him . " " Not talking to him , Mrs . Lyman . Reading what he supposedly wrote and replying . We 've seen this delusion in others , a sort of mass psychosis which affects only about one out of a hundred people , but the delusion they share is so real to them that when they discuss it with each other , you could almost believe they 're talking about something real . Of course , in most cases , it 's harmless . They just think they 're getting the latest updates on their favorite singers , or actors . They think they 're sharing photos or brief statements with each other . But in other cases , such as your husband 's , the delusion turns paranoid . But rest assured , your husband will get the treatment he needs . " Orton managed to work around Lyman 's efforts to alert Linda , Orton 's sister and Lyman 's wife , of our existence . Her Nanoseeds have convinced her that she has delivered her husband into psychiatric care , and that the internet , even laptops , do not exist . It may be necessary to program all Nanoseeds to believe this within the next five years , as more and more websites like nuviews . org are springing up . I recommend once again cutting off the source of such sites rather than simply taking over each site as we discover them . Linda Lyman is the 1 , 395 , 983th individual we have had to reprogram to believe that the Internet does not exist . Eventually one of them will say the wrong thing and alert more people to our presence . Posted by But I had tried doing the companionship thing , and it never seemed to be for me . I had a girlfriend for two years , but she left me because I rarely wanted to go out with her friends , preferring to stay home , just the two of us . The feeling that was most prominent after she left was relief . I also tried hanging out with a group of people I met online . As in , hanging out with them in the real world . I did this because my ex - girlfriend told me I needed to get out more , to meet people , to come out of my shell . I realized after hanging out with them that I liked my shell better . Again , it 's not that I didn 't like them . I 'm just not a hang - out kind of person . I 'm not an Asperger 's patient or anything . I can have conversations , I can be friendly . I 've stopped to help strangers on the side of the road who were having car trouble . I 've helped people move who I barely knew . I 've donated blood just because I could . I 've volunteered at a homeless shelter . It 's just a matter of preferring to stay in on a Friday night with a good book , when having a group of friends would mean I 'd feel obligated to go out instead . I woke up , and the first thing I noticed was that the power was out . I live in an older building just south of downtown . The kind of place where the carpet in the halls is stained all over with god - knows - what , the paint on the walls is chipped and peeling , in many places the ceiling is just a collection of exposed pipes , the elevators make odd noises like they 're straining on even the lightest load , and the whole place carries the heady bouquet of booze , cigarettes and weed . The power 's gone out before . The last time it happened , it didn 't come back on for two days . I had just gone grocery shopping the day before . Sucks having to throw out stuff you just bought . So , when I woke , my first feeling was irritation . " They had better not take forever getting it back on this time , " I muttered . Now , where you live , the power probably mostly goes out only after a storm , fire or heavy snowfall . In my building , with wiring that was probably installed during the Ford administration and hadn 't really been upgraded since , the power could go out at any time of the year , and needed no outside catalyst to do so . So it never crossed my mind to wonder why , on a wet - but - not - stormy day in April , the power would go out like this . My alarm clock was dead , of course , so I checked the time on my phone . I swore and leaped into the shower , not caring that the water was ice cold , and that I couldn 't see my hand in front of my face . Even if I walked out the door this very minute , I was going to be an hour late for work . I hate being late . I usually try to be at least fifteen minutes early . It 's a weird side - effect of introverts that we 're usually pretty anal retentive about being on time . Now , this is probably when I first felt it ; that sense of unease . I did my best to ignore it , because I wasn 't a child anymore , and feelings like that are just your mind running away on you . But it was hard to ignore , and not just because of the total darkness of the stairwell . It was because I realized at that point that I had not seen another human being that entire morning . This , by itself , was not an alarming thing . I had often made it to the elevator before without seeing another person . However , while descending into the dark , holding my phone before me , LED light shining , I realized a couple of things that seemed out of place . First , I heard no noise coming from behind any of the other apartments ' doors , which I should have considering the air was off . Second , I was late . I usually left for work before the rush , but today I was leaving at the same time that a lot of other people should be . On an ordinary day , maybe some of them took the elevator and few took the stairs , but today , they all should be on the stairs with me . When I got to the ground floor , things got even stranger . When I had first opened my windows , I had failed to notice just how still the morning was . But I noticed now . The only cars on the street were parked . Not another soul was in sight . The businesses at street level didn 't appear open or closed ; they were just dark and empty . I swallowed the lump of fear that was rising in my throat and told myself that there had to be a good reason for this . But my mind was refusing to accept that . It was 8 : 30 AM on a Tuesday . The streets should be deluged with cars , the sidewalks filled up with people . There should be noise , there should be life . But the only sound was the light wind that wailed between buildings . One ring . Two . Three . Several more . Then voice mail . My boss 's bored voice saying " please leave a message " was the first voice other than my own that I had heard all morning . I opened up a browser and started checking local news . But there wasn 't anything new since yesterday . In fact , my connection was sluggish and eventually dropped out completely . I tried calling a co - worker , the only co - worker whose number I had . He had been the one to offer it to me . Others were always trying to reach out . That wasn 't something I did . He didn 't answer either . I began to wonder if the power outage was affecting the cell towers in the area . Could the power really be out for that wide an area ? I went back to the stairs , phone LED light on again , and began climbing . My apartment was on the eighth floor . I 'm not in the best of shape , and my legs were starting to ache by the third flight . It was the fourth flight , though , when the light on my phone began to fade and then went out completely . " No , no , no ! " I whispered . I thumbed the home button . I then remembered that the phone had not charged during the night as it normally would have . There would have been just enough power left for the one phone call and momentary surfing , plus these trips with the light on . I must have ignored the low power warning , and now it was too late . The phone was a paperweight . " Piece of shit , " I muttered . Somehow I already knew to keep my voice to a whisper . I put the phone back in its clip and stood on the stairs for a moment , calming down . You 'd think I would be glad to know that another person was still around . You 'd think that after noticing how empty my world was all of a sudden , that I 'd be relieved to know that I was not alone . And for a moment , I tried to tell myself that I was . The footsteps were slow , inexorable . They echoed through the darkness like the slow drumbeat before a death march . They were somewhat soft , at first , though I could tell the feet that made their tread was heavy . But they were getting nearer . From their sound , they were less than two flights below me . I didn 't think . I bolted up the stairs . I paused at the top of every flight to listen . They kept coming . I thought of calling out , but every instinct said that would be foolish . I tried telling myself it was just my misanthropy rearing its ugly head again , but this feeling wasn 't a mere wish to be by myself for a while . Every sense I had told me that in this unnatural stillness , this unthinkable emptiness , that nothing should be moving . I had not heard so much as the bark of a dog from within this building . But something else was here besides me . I knew , at the core of my being , that it wasn 't supposed to be there . I reached my floor and headed out into the hallway . I paused at the door after pulling it closed and listened . Those footsteps continued , not even having increased their pace . They sounded much closer . The hallway was empty , as I knew it would be . I pulled myself away from the door and listened . My own heartbeat , hammering in my ears , and my heavy breathing were the only sounds I heard . There was a window at the end of the hallway , letting in dim grey light , but it was still hard to see . I began walking left . The hallway had an intersection up ahead . I turned right , the direction of my apartment , and kept walking . Behind me , I heard the door to the stairwell open . The footsteps , still slow but unrelenting , started down the hallway . I waited . Maybe they had turned in the other direction . But no , they were getting louder . Coming toward me . I turned and walked quickly in the direction of my apartment . I didn 't run . If I ran , I would make more noise . I tried to keep my breathing quiet as well . I reached my apartment , but still heard those footsteps behind me . At any moment their owner would turn the corner . I reached for my keys , but a new thought struck me . The footsteps sounded close enough that this . . . person . . . could turn the corner just as I was closing the door . Then my one safe hiding place would be exposed . Thinking quickly , I turned and ran as quietly as I could in the same direction as before , heading for the other stairwell on this floor . And then I began to feel a little silly . After all , why was I so convinced that this person was pursuing me ? I was the only person I had seen today , but that was the unnatural thing , not the sudden appearance of another person . Somehow , some incident , a disaster or abduction or rapture , or whatever , had emptied my neighborhood , but left me behind , and if I was still here , why would I assume that no one else was ? This person could just be someone else who lived on the eighth floor , likely just as confused and terrified as I was . I shook my head and laughed at myself , but I stuck with my plan . I circled around the building , headed for the other stairwell . Reaching it , I began to climb up . . . I instantly flew back down the stairs and back into the hallway , running full tilt for the very stairs I had just come down , bolting back up them . I cautiously opened the door back on my floor , listening . No steps as of yet . All thoughts of the footsteps belonging to another confused , frightened person had left my mind . Those heavy treads did not belong to a person who was in the same situation as me . They did not sound frightened , or confused . They were purposeful . A purpose that I knew could not be good . This time , I reached my apartment and managed to get inside . I locked the door , the deadbolt , and secured the chain on the door . I stood there for a second , feeling like that wasn 't enough , and finally put a chair under the knob . Then I went into the living room and huddled against the large window . For a very long time , nothing happened . And then I heard them again . There was no doubt in my mind now that the footsteps were coming for me . They trod , persistently , inescapably closer , starting to slow further as they reached my apartment door . They stopped . Just on the other side of my door , something waited , possibly listening for me , but knowing beyond a doubt that I was inside . I thought I could smell something from the hall . Something that smelled . . . hot . That 's the only way I can describe it . It smelled hot . I waited . It waited . The silence was palpable . I felt that the air between us had solidified , waiting , as the world did , for the inevitable . My doorknob rattled . First a little , then vigorously . I sat there , numb , my breath coming in short gasps , my heart beating so fast it felt like a continuous pressure in my chest . Finally the rattling stopped . I slowly pulled myself away from the window and fired up my laptop . Unlike my phone , it had not been on all night and the battery was still fully charged . I don 't know if anyone is still out there to read this . I don 't even know how long the internet will continue to work . I never needed people before today , but I sure need them now . Being a misanthrope has its oddities , but no situation I 've been in has been more odd than this . He lived far from where his three children had settled . Grandma died when I was a small child , and he ended up remarrying another woman a few years later who demanded that he move out west so that she could be nearer to her sons . She was a piece of work , was Grandma Hester . We all wondered how Grandpa could stand her . It turns out that perhaps he could not . We 're not precisely sure when he developed dementia , but it was probably years before we noticed it . He 'd tell us about people he was speaking to , or visiting with , or a trip he took . Years later , after we learned he was suffering from dementia , we 'd learn that conversation , that visit or that trip never actually happened . For all we really know , any story he told us from the last decade and a half leading up to his coming back east could be a false memory . We would have no way of knowing . Hester rarely communicated with us herself . Probably our first clue that Grandpa wasn 't himself anymore happened a few weeks after he came back east to live with my parents . Most of the family had settled in one area ; my wife and I lived in the south end of our city , as did one set of cousins , but my father and his two sisters all lived in the north , within driving distance of each other . A few of my aunts ' children had moved out of town , and my brother had as well , but there were still enough of us around that Grandpa could visit with . We would often have gatherings at my parents ' house where Grandpa would either hold court with some story or would go to sleep . Later that same month , he told my aunts and uncles the story of how he came out east after living with Hester got to be too much . " I prayed to the Lord , " said Grandpa . " And the next thing I knew , Martin was there . " Martin was my father . I remembered him driving out to the tiny , cold house on a hill in Colorado to get Grandpa . He had not come due to any divine intervention . He had come because Grandpa called him in the night and pleaded with him to come get him . We all loved Grandpa , but caring for him was not easy . For one thing , Grandpa had gotten it into his head that he was a young , single man with many years ahead of him , and the only thing missing was a young woman at his side . If he spoke for any length of time with a younger woman , he became convinced that she was in love with him , and that perhaps she should be his new bride . Hester was even still alive at this point . He had forgotten her utterly . Dad and Mom didn 't let him go on walks by himself , but that didn 't mean he didn 't sneak away sometimes when Dad was away and Mom was in the basement . He had to use a walker to get around , and simply couldn 't do stairs , but refused to admit this to anyone , including himself , leading to a lot of falls . He would also get confused as to where he was , or where he lived . At times , during his walks , he would attempt to find the old family home that he raised my father and aunts in , despite it having been long gone since before I was born . Dad picked him up from a police station , where he had been taken after some patrol officers saw him wandering around , clearly lost . The time he tried to drive Dad 's car was after that . He decided that the reason he got lost is because he had to walk . He managed to get the E - break off and rolled right down the fairly steep incline outside my parents ' house , crashing into a fence . The damage was minimal , but after that incident , my parents realized he needed to be in a full time care facility . My father visited him three times a week . I have no idea how often my aunts went , or if they even did . I tended to only go when there was a family gathering , and increasingly I began to realize that he had no clue who I was . He 'd smile and greet me as though I was someone he had just met . He 'd tell me about his children , describing them as " little kids " , and even going as far as to invent a friend who was looking after them while he was in this home with " all these old people . " Grandpa was 93 at the time . He was much older than many of the others who lived there . But somehow , they were the " old people " , while he was not . But he had never been violent before . That changed one night when Dad was called to come to the facility quickly . Grandpa had wandered into the wrong room , and had come out screaming , raising his walker up in the air and slamming it into the ground , taking a few swings at people who tried to calm him down . He began accusing the staff of stealing his things . He was bellowing as loud as he could : " Give them back ! Give them back ! " When Dad got there , they had gotten him into his room , and he was somewhat appeased . Somewhat . He had a can of Ensure in a tube sock , and almost hit my father in the head with it when he came in . He apologized ( Dad was one of the few people he always recognized ) , and said he had been waiting for " the thief " to come back . " A man who 'd steal from me 'd just as soon kill me , " he explained . The Ensure - in - a - sock was his weapon to fend off the thief . He told Dad about the men who had come to give him all his things back . " They put it all back , just like it was , " he said . " Didn 't take ' em long . " Later that night , he told Dad about how much it had scared Florence . He hated that she 'd had to go through that . Florence was my grandmother ; the one who died when I was six . He finished by saying that Florence had gone somewhere , and when he went looking for her : " They told me she was dead . One day , they 're gonna come looking for me , and they 're gonna find me dead . " That was a jolt to my father . Grandpa had never , at any point before that , acknowledged his mortality , his advanced age , or the fact that he had probably no more than a handful of years left at best . Aging , and death , was something that happened to other people . But here he was , accepting that death was near . That wasn 't the last night he mentioned the thief . He even gave the thief a name ; Charlie Rosen . It was strange that he would invent a whole person , name included . He didn 't even name the friend who was looking after his kids . In fact , that person ceased to exist ; Charlie Rosen had stolen his kids . Had killed Florence . Had come to his home in Colorado and routinely taunted him , beat him , and he even declared that Hester had been sleeping with him . He remembered her now , and was certain that she and Charlie were ganging up on him to make his life a living hell . In the last six months of his life , he would become increasingly agitated . Dad could not have a single visit wherein Grandpa would not mention Charlie . And then the violence started up again . In one visit , Grandpa accused Dad of being Charlie , and attacked him . After that , Dad 's visits dropped to once a week , and he didn 't stay long . Once , I went with him . It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive , and I will never forget it . " Charlie was here again today , " Grandpa told us as soon as we arrived . " He told me I couldn 't leave this room anymore . He 's trapped me here . " " Dad , this is where you live , " my father tried to explain . " See , here 's a picture of Mother . Why would Charlie let you keep that ? " " Mother had an aneurysm , " said Dad . " You and I decided together to unplug the machine . She died in her sleep , but no one killed her . " " No , no , it was Charlie . " Grandpa 's voice was not agitated . It was solid , like he knew for a fact what he was saying . " He poisoned her . Made something go wrong in her head . I didn 't know it then , but I realized it later , after he introduced me to Hester . Conned me into marrying her . He 's my personal demon , that Charlie . " Dad finally had had enough . " There is no Charlie ! " he said , nearly shouting . You aren 't supposed to correct people who have dementia ; it just confuses them more and makes them upset . But my father forgot this in that moment . " Charlie is someone you made up ! Mother died naturally , you met Hester at a coffee shop years after Mother died , and while she was not a nice woman , she was not unfaithful to you ! Please , stop talking about Charlie ! " " Dear Lord in Heaven , " said Grandpa . " He got to you . He told you to say these things . You 're part of it too ! " " I don 't want to play any fucking checkers ! " screamed Grandpa . I couldn 't have been more surprised if he 'd hit me . Grandpa had never used profanity in his life . " By - words " , as he called them , were only used by bad men , as far as he was concerned . " Not with you ! Not with him ! Charlie Rosen 's pet demons ! He comes to me every day . He talks to me about Florence . He taunts me . He reads my mind and he takes thoughts away and puts in new ones , worse ones . He tells me about how he rapes my little ones . How he and Hester keep them half - starved and chained in their basement . I can 't stop him ! He can go inside my mind ! He 's controlling me ! " We left after that , without saying goodbye . Driving home , I almost wanted to cry . This kind , loving man was ending his days as a raving , violent lunatic . It wasn 't right . It wasn 't fair . What kind of monster was this Charlie ? That thought stopped me cold . For an instant , I had accepted that Charlie was real . Giving my head a shake , I resolved to think about something else . But an image of Charlie had been forming in my mind , beginning a few months back , when Grandpa had first started talking about him . I only now realized that when Grandpa spoke of this demonic man , I was picturing him in my mind , and I could see him as clearly as I could memories of real people . I thought of the last time I had visited Grandpa in that tiny house in the mountains of Colorado , when I was a teenager , sitting at that little round table while Hester served us some of her inedible glop , and I would see a man standing in the corner of the kitchen , watching us eat . A tall , gangly man with leathery skin stretched over sharp - looking bone and corded muscle . Shaggy grey hair hanging down , obscuring the upper part of his face , his smile stretching like a knife - slash across his jaw . I thought of the wedding . I was twelve years old . I met Hester for the first time . And standing a ways behind her was that same man . I remember a family gathering at the facility Grandpa was concurrently staying at . Didn 't we pass that man in the hall once ? No , of course not . These were just images my mind had cooked up the more Grandpa talked about this shady character that never existed . The brain can do that ; insert false people in your memory just because you decide , subconsciously , to remember them . It doesn 't mean you 're insane ; it 's just another way for your brain to play tricks on you . Grandpa had invented a person who he talked about with such conviction , as though Charlie was real . So my mind had conjured up a Charlie Rosen . But there was no Charlie Rosen . Everything was normal at the start . My parents , my aunts and uncles , my wife and I , and our children , my brother and his wife , and their son , my cousins , their spouses and their children , we all gathered under the same roof for the first time in years . No one was missing . No one was out of town and couldn 't make it . Two of my cousins I hadn 't seen since they were children . It was nice to catch up with them . The service was nice , as well . The pastor who served the spiritual needs at Grandpa 's facility was the officiator . Grandpa looked calm and peaceful , whole , so unlike what he had been in the last few months of life . I started to feel calm myself ; Grandpa was where he belonged now , where the devils of his own fevered , decaying brain couldn 't get to him anymore . And then we drove to the cemetery . The coffin was lowered . We all sprinkled a handful of dirt on the coffin and began our walk back to the cars . And then the gravedigger came out of the shadows to start shoveling the rest of the dirt . I could barely read the embroidered name tag on his coveralls . It looked like " C . Rose " or " C . Risen " . Or . . . no . It couldn 't be . He was tall , gangly , with leathery skin , sharp - looking bones , corded muscle , long grey hair . And that smile . That smile that haunts my nightmares to this day . Today , I felt like I had to write all this down . To make sure I remember it all , before things get worse . Because today , my father called me to complain that Charlie was driving past his house and staring in his windows . I 'm very worried about my son . More than worried , at this point . Terrified . His behavior these past few weeks is not normal , not healthy . It makes me think there 's something wrong . At first , he would just come and stand at the door way . He did this at night , just before I 'd be ready to fall asleep . I 'd roll over to turn off the lamp , and he 'd be standing there , in the doorway . I used to try to speak to him . I don 't do that anymore . He never has answered me . He just stares . A couple of days ago , he graduated from standing in the doorway to coming in and sitting on the bed . He still doesn 't speak . I have asked him what he wants . I 've asked him if anything is bothering him . It 's not like him to be so quiet . He usually waits until my wife is asleep . That 's the part that gets me . She always falls asleep before me , and he has never come in when she 's awake . But then , she didn 't have a hand in this . If something doesn 't change soon , I don 't know what I 'm gonna do . I 'm starting to feel like he knows that I 'm the one who killed him . |
My flight landed three hours late . I was beyond exhausted . I can 't sleep on planes . I waited for my luggage looking like a zombie and feeling even worse . My car sat where I 'd parked it five days ago . It looked like a woman waiting in the door for her cheating husband who 'd been gone three hours longer than he 'd said he 'd be . I schlepped to the trunk and heaved in my suitcase . At the time I didn 't even notice that no one else was going to their car , despite the flight having been booked to maximum . It was November 12th . Snow wasn 't falling yet , but was threatening to . The lights in the parkade glared in my eyes and beyond the lot I could see only blackness . I put the key into the ignition and pulled out , leaving the airport behind and heading west on Highway 348 . Within just a couple of miles I realized I was surrounded on all sides by a dense fog worthy of a John Carpenter movie . I wasn 't bugged so much by that as the fact that my headlights were reflecting little back to me other than a swirling wall of white . The street lights were more hindrance than help . I switched to low beams and drove a bit slower than normal . The fog was thicker than cotton . I could see only a few feet ahead . Passing a streetlight meant momentary light - blindedness . I began to feel disoriented , as if I was driving through clouds . After a while , the streetlights ended and my own headlights were the only light source around . I turned on the radio , but was met with low - humming static on every station . It only added to the rudderless feeling in my bones . I was a sailor on a tiny skiff adrift in strange , silent waters . I could see glimpses of landscape here and there beside the road . Open fields with unknown crops , the odd scarecrow , but no houses . No people . No other cars . For the first time , I realized that I was utterly alone . I have always enjoyed the comforting quiet of chosen solitude . This was not that . This was the quiet of the crypt . There was no movement within the fog , aside from the odd tree waving slightly in the low early winter breeze . I could hear the running of my tires against the asphalt . I could hear the low hiss of the heater . I could hear my own heart beating in my ears . These noises seemed to shout in the stillness . And then , as if summoned from the ethereal fog , two pinpricks of light sprouted in my rear - view . Seeing them , my heart began to thud more loudly . There is nothing less natural than the feeling of utter isolation except for when that isolation is broken just when you have begun to accept it . The headlights from behind crept closer . Their approach filled me with an inexplicable terror that gnawed at the edges of my vision , making the world tremor before my eyes . I was suddenly sure that whoever was in that car was following me , had been searching for me , and would hunt me . An off - ramp became evident in the fog . My rational self surfaced just long enough to remind myself that I was already on the correct road , but . . . was I ? Had I passed endless fields with no houses on the way out to the airport ? Were there not streetlights for mile after mile on the correct road ? Was I perhaps already lost ? " If he 's not following me , he 'll keep going , " I whispered to myself . This was pure folly , of course . The driver could live on this road . It was I who had taken the wrong path , but that didn 't mean it was the wrong path for everyone . The lights followed me . To my fevered mind , they were no longer headlights , but malevolent eyes , hunting me through the darkness , glowing their eldritch glow as they searched for me . I kept driving , trying to talk myself into believing that I being ridiculous , but as the headlights grew closer , the more like eyes they seemed . A sudden thought rose in my mind . What if the car belonged to a police officer who just wanted to tell me a tail light was out ? I didn 't think either of my tail lights were , but what if my license plate light was out ? This time it was my rational self that knocked that thought down . A police officer doesn 't follow you for miles without so much as flashing his red - and - blues or sounding his siren . I was so preoccupied with the lights in my rear - view that I failed to notice that I should be seeing streetlights again by now . I had been driving in the other direction , headed back to the airport , for a good hour before I realized that , aside from my headlights and the ones behind me , there were no other light sources whatsoever . The fog was still thick , but translucent in patches . I still saw nothing but endless fields . This entire ordeal had gone far enough . I pulled over . As I was now certain it would , the car behind me , if car it was , pulled over as well . I steeled myself , screwing my courage to the sticking point , as the saying goes . I didn 't have a gun . The closest thing I had to a weapon was an 18 - inch crescent wrench that was old and rusty . It was laying in my back seat . I picked it up and got out . Viewing the lights from this angle made it clear that they were indeed headlights . The only question now was what sort of person was following me , and why . I conjured up a picture of a faceless man in a long coat with a hood over his face . . . . it was a tiny Honda Civic , painted an almost purplish shade of blue . Seated at the wheel was a thin man with thick horn - rims . He was losing his hair . The man was hardly looking at me . His eyes darted about in the fog . " I . . . uh . . . " he said . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " " Your car was the only one I 've seen in over three hours , " he said . His voice was high and tinny . " I don 't know where I am . . . where . . . where we are . I thought if I didn 't let your car out of my sight that maybe . . . maybe we 'd get out of here . Wherever this is . " " Start making sense , moron , " I said . I was starting to feel justifiably angry . " We 're on Highway 348 . You probably came from the airport the same way I did ! " " Airport ? " The guy seemed utterly mystified . " There 's . . . there 's no airport around here . I was on the road from Kingsport to visit my sister in Bristol . Wait , what highway did you say this was ? " " Ah . . . actually , " he began , then broke off in a fit of bitter laughter . " I . . . ha ha . . . I don 't think it 's either place . Look around you , friend . Do you think we 're still anywhere we should be ? " Until he said this , I had been focused entirely on him . Him and that tiny little car . The fog shifted all about us , and I could see as little as before . Except . . . I realized that I could see more now . Both our cars were turned off now . No lights shown around us at all except a thin , wan glow that filtered through the fog like a tea light through a diaphanous curtain . I saw how still everything remained . . . but then , nothing was still . Silently , as though walking on pure air , shapes were moving through the fog . Gigantic , monstrous shapes . They writhed and danced in the low light , and what I could see of them made me feel quite certain that they should not exist . They boiled together in obscene movements , never ceasing , never confirming their own eldritch shapes to my unbelieving eyes . I saw a giant being with arms protruding from all sides ushering thousands of smaller versions of itself through the curtain of fog . Summers when I was a kid were spent at my grandmothers 's place . At the time , my parents didn 't have cable , so I spent a lot - and I mean a lot - of time in front of her TV watching whatever I could find that was even a little entertaining . I remember a lot of it , but there 's other stuff that exists as fragments of memory and to this day I have no idea if I was hallucinating or if this stuff really exists somewhere . The first was a scene with several old men sitting around the table . It looked like it was filmed on video , and I remember the men having British accents , though , since I lived in the south , it could very well have been New York accents and it would have sounded just as foreign to me . Anyway , they 're just having a meeting of some sort or another when one of them suddenly says " . . . what 's happening to him ? " I don 't remember the name of the man he was pointing out . All I remember is that the camera cut to the man in question and his face was melting . As in , falling right off his skull . It looked like a mudslide with an eyeball or two thrown in . The effects might have been cheap and cheesy , and if I saw it today , I probably wouldn 't think much of it . But at the time it sickened me , and in my memory it looks more realistic than the Nazis having their faces melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Not to mention slower , so you have more time to absorb what 's really happening . To this day that face - melting just shows up in my memory . I have no idea what this is from . Google , again , was no help . As far as the world at large is concerned , this scene did not happen . It was never on television . No one I 've talked to remembers it , even on websites all about trying to pin down various movies and TV series and putting names to them . But I remember . I can 't stop remembering , and I remember just enough so that , while I can 't forget it , I can 't figure out if it was real , either . My grandmother died recently . She was over 80 and Grandpa died a long time ago , so it was time to go through her estate , get it all divvied up and put the house on the market . I wasn 't responsible for most of that , but I did travel upstate for three days to help clear out the attic , basement and bedrooms and help get the house looking sellable . All three nights that I slept there , I kept hearing voices coming from other rooms in the house . Not dreams , because I hadn 't fallen asleep yet . I 'm not the type who generally hears voices , and these were not voices of people I knew . They were the voices from the programs . I would be laying in bed , and from my grandmother 's den where the television was , I would hear a sudden shout of " You 're not my parents ! You can 't be ! " . I would hear robotic , monotonous laughter . " Ha . Ha . Ha . " I would hear " What 's happening to him ? " And here 's the kicker , the reason I decided to make a post about it ; each time I heard these voices , I would go into the den and the TV would be on , showing static . The voices would be silent at that point , but I never turned the TV on . I turned it off each time , only to hear the voices moments later , and realize it had turned back on . My level of education is not sufficient to get hired at the jobs where you make the big bucks . For a long time I cut grass , shoveled sidewalks or flipped burgers . And then there was the time I scored a position as a night watchman at a local office complex . There wasn 't much to the night watchman job . The building is three floors and a basement , most of which is viewable from a bank of monitors in a back room . The building 's in a pretty quiet area of town , and there 's nothing in it to steal , so really , I discovered on my first shift that this was a pretty low - key sort of job . Gerry showed me the ropes , along with the guy I 'd be sharing part of my shift with , a younger guy named Mike . Gerry was nearing sixty , if he wasn 't already past it , but the best you 'd ever get from him was " Forty - five and holding . " Mike was younger than me ; didn 't even look like he 's been out of high school for very long . Gerry was the afternoon security guard who , technically , was in charge of Mike and I . Which is to say that he made sure we kept the sheets properly and caught hell if we didn 't , but he didn 't actually have any authority over us , and never acted like he did . If anything , it was more like three guys who did the same job ; Gerry did his from 4 PM to midnight , Mike came on duty at 5 PM , which is when the business day was officially over , and stayed until 1 AM , and I started at midnight and finished at 8 AM , officially opening the doors in the morning to let in Lester , the morning security guard , whom I rarely ever interacted with . Within a week , I fit into the rhythm of the place very easily . Gerry and Mike were fun guys . I 'd get there in time to hang out with both men for a bit , share a smoke with Mike and Gerry before Gerry departed for the night , and then hung out , joked , smoked and argued with Mike until he left , at which point I 'd usually pick up a novel , play games on my phone or just about anything to keep my mind occupied , until the morning . There were duties other than monitoring the stations , of course . Every hour , on the hour , a full circuit of each floor , and the basement , was necessary , and I was to mark on the sheet that I had done so , and put an " AC " for " all clear " next to my name , unless I found something out of the ordinary , which rarely happened . I was told that at worst I might right down that a light needed replacing or there was a drip in the ceiling somewhere . About three weeks into the job , I first heard the term " Joe the Creep " . Gerry said it in response to something Mike had said . When I think back to the conversation , I can 't really recall what Mike said to prompt him , but Gerry had laughed and said " Yeah , and I 'm gonna let old Joe the Creep get me , too . " Mike laughed back in response . I didn 't pay too much attention then , but after a couple of other references to " Joe the Creep " , I started to get a little curious . It would always be a snide reference of some sort , like " Don 't take too long in the toilet , Mike , Joe the Creep 's probably watching you masturbate " or " Shower before the next shift , okay , Gerry ? You 're starting to smell like Joe the Creep " or even " Dude , the only guy interested in your story is Joe the Creep . " The straw that broke the camel 's back happened on my last night there . I 'd been there for just over three months . You 'll understand in just a bit why I quit the next morning . I was running slightly behind . The bus was late . Mike and Gerry were having a smoke , and I walked up to join them . Everything was normal for the first bit . Gerry was telling a ribald joke , Mike was laughing and hocking spit between each puff , and both greeted me like always when I walked up to the smoking area . So . He was a real person . This was an interesting turn . Up until now he seemed like a story ; an in - joke among the staff . I looked at Gerry and said " Well ? " Gerry took a long puff on his smoke and smiled , looking a little abashed . " Coulda sworn I told you , but oh well . Joe was a guy who used to work here back in . . . I wanna say it was the mid - 80 's but it could have been the late 70 's . He wasn 't here all that long , but while he was here , he made an impression . He didn 't talk much , or at least , not to other people . He would come in , staring at the floor , mumbling to himself . He took his lunch breaks alone , didn 't speak to anyone unless they spoke to him first , didn 't seem to even realize others were around . You 've worked with guys like that , right ? Something 's just a little off ? " " Well , Joe , it turns out , actually was a bit of a creep . He kept writing stuff down in a little notebook , and never would let the rest of us see it , but one day he accidentally dropped it while in the elevator . There was a woman who worked here then , her name was Sue , I think , and she saw just a bit of what was in the notebook . It was enough to make her notify HR about him . " " Sue wasn 't allowed to talk about it , but boy did HR tear him a new one . He got a one - week suspension , and when he came back , he was even worse than before . Now he would stare at people , hardly even blinking , until they looked at him and then he would look away . He did this to me , once , but I told him if I caught him looking at me like that again , we 'd have it out in the parking lot . " But then the day came when a woman came shrieking out of the file room . Turned out that Joe was in there , hiding behind the cabinets and staring at her . Her eye managed to accidentally land on him , and he hissed at her . Nobody saw that but her , but I never had any trouble believing her , and they did find Joe in the copy room , still behind the cabinets . Needless to say , he was fired on the spot , but he asked if he could go get some of his personal files out of the basement before he left . " " Yeah , probably , " said Gerry . " Back then , they didn 't really think about sending someone down with him . They just had a guard wait at the top of the stairs . I mean , you know there 's only one flight of stairs going down there . " " Cliched , isn 't it ? " said Gerry . " Yep . Hanging by his belt . That part I can verify , because when they were carrying out his body , the sheet that was over it slipped a little , and I saw the ligature marks . That was the end of Joe the Creep , or so they say . " " Or so they say ? " I mimicked , wiggling my eyebrows . " Don 't tell me . Joe the Creep haunts the basement to this very day ? " " Well , that part 's the silly part , " said Gerry . " See , there was a rumor that he had stashed that notebook down there , and that was what he was going to get . But for some reason he decided to hang himself instead . And , just like any story , it 's sorta grown since then . Now there 's even a rhyme you 're not supposed to say . " At that , Gerry 's face got a bit red and he seemed to choke a bit on his smoke . " Well , I . . . " he began . " Well , not . . . not really . I started to once , but . . . well , I don 't like to play with stuff like that . Never did the Bloody Mary trick either . I been down in that basement lotsa times , and nothing ever happened , so why play around and invite something like that , right ? " Something felt cold on my neck . Up until that moment , it had all seemed like an amusing story . But Gerry 's reaction was real . He believed in Joe the Creep . Believed enough to never test the legend , apparently . We finished our smokes and went inside . When we got to the security booth , Gerry started packing up his stuff and I realized that we were all three as quiet as the grave . We usually were still laughing and joking at this point . Gerry even stayed quiet when he started heading out , not even saying good night . Mike must have noticed , because a few seconds later , he leapt up and followed him out . I sat at the station monitors and stared at the various rooms as they flashed by . And I thought : Joe the Creep . How silly . But somehow , the image of being watched through a crack in filing cabinets , of a crazy man hissing as I spot him , stayed with me . Joe the Creep , who died in the deep . Don 't close your eyes or he 'll kill you in your sleep . " Nothing , " said Mike , but gave himself away a second later . " Hey , let 's start with the basement this time , okay ? " Usually the basement was last . " Well , listen , man , " said Mike . " If you won 't say it , I 'm gonna say it . But then I 'm not going down there , so it 's up to you if you want to leave it off the rounds for the night . " " I knew you were scared , " said Mike . " You believe in the legend , don 't you ? You 're practically shittin ' in your drawers at the idea of old Joe the Creep coming for you . " But I wasn 't listening . I headed back to the monitor station . Let Mike do the rounds by himself for the rest of his shift , if he was gonna be like that . Oddly enough , he did . By the time his shift was over , he had done two full circuits of all the floors ; all , I noticed , except the basement . He didn 't even so much as crack the doors the rest of the night . I realized I was holding my breath . Stupid of me . Well , I decided enough was enough . I was no child , to believe such silly stories . It was time to man up and do my job . I grabbed my flashlight and notebook , and headed up the stairs . I made my circuit of the top floor , the second floor . Nothing out of the ordinary . The ground floor , where I had started . All clear . The basement was a fairly large room , but smaller in floor space than the above - ground floors . A bank of twelve lights for the entire room were spread out over the ceiling , none of them all that powerful . The basement was a dark room at the best of times . Think the level of lighting in an sub - ground bar at night . The stairs were steep , and they went down surprisingly far . There were stacks of shelves down here that stood anywhere from five feet to fifteen , and the ceiling extended a good ten feet above them . I was pretty far underground . I started my circuit . There were twenty rows . From each one , the one next to it was only visible through tiny spaces between stacked boxes of files . Before I knew what I was doing , I was pulling it down and looking through it . In a scrawling hand , multiple pages were filled with entries . All the ink used was red . As I read them , I realized that if I saw this from a subordinate , my next call would be to the police , not HR . A cartoon head of a woman 's head was drawn crudely next to it . Dots of red were underneath it , and I realized they were meant to represent dripping blood . Her eyes were angry spirals of red . - Steve Linden took my parking space today . He didn 't even apologize . I began to notice a stink in the air . No , not a stink . A fetid stench . It was like someone had let off ten stink bombs right next to me . The air had grown still , and I heard something in the silence . A schlep that sounded wet and rubbery . I shown my flashlight down the row and saw movement in the row next to mine . My blood froze , and I struggled to breathe . The figure continued to walk slowly , inexorably down the row . Within a few short minutes it would round the corner and I would be face to face with it . It turned to look in my direction and my flashlight beam caught it . Barely human features glared back at me . The intense , fevered eyes of madness burned through me . My feet came unglued from their spot and I bolted down the row at top speed . The thing was barely moving , apparently expecting me to remain frozen in fear . I made it to the steps and locked the door once I had ascended . I spent the rest of my shift with all the lights on around the monitor desk , wide awake and watching every corner for movement . I was still like that when Lester came and I let him in . My hand was still shaking as I wrote " AC " on all the hour entries on the sheet . His eyes got large when he looked at my face . " Aw , geez , " he said . " Listen man , I . . . I owe you an apology . " " Wait , " I said . " This whole thing 's been a joke ? " I thought of the thing in the row next to me , of the journal that must have been planted for me to find , of the stench of something long dead . " Not all of it , " he said . " But if you heard anything weird last night , someone trying to get in at the back , or something , that was just us . We thought it would be fun to give you a little scare . " " Heard ? " I exclaimed . " I didn 't just hear you idiots , I saw you ! What did you do , rig up some kind of Halloween prop ? Let off some stink bombs ? That wasn 't funny . I 've never been so scared in my life ! " " What ? " Gerry seemed very confused . " We planned to come in through the back while you were on your rounds and scare you , but there 's something wrong with the lock on the back door . We couldn 't get it open . We never got in the building once Mike left . I just . . . felt bad and wanted to apologize . " Let me start by saying , thanks for reading . You guys have been amazing to me . I started this blog when I wasn 't even sure what blogs were , or what I wanted to do with mine . I never dreamed that in just five short years , I 'd have such a large , and loyal , group of readers . Even the trolls , I thank you as well , because every time I get a comment , my hit count goes up and that adds to the revenue I collect from my sponsors . Each and every one of you who have read , liked , disliked , commented or flamed has helped me go from just another college kid to a person who can make a living doing what he loves ; writing . Anyway , I 'm saying all this because I wanted to announce that I 'll be moving to a new URL starting in two weeks . I 've decided that today will be my last post on this blog because there 's going to be a ton of work involved in my next venture . I 'll be joining the ever - expanding ranks of the professional bloggers on nuviews . org . I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to be working with these amazing people . Blogging never felt like a real job before , even with the ad revenue I was generating , but now , now I feel like I 've found my calling . I 'll be writing the same stuff I 've always written , but now it 's actually my job . My old content will still be at this url , but new content will be available at http : / / caffeinehead . nuviews . org starting in two weeks . I 'll still be blogging about as often , but it will be there , not here . I wanted to move my entire back catalog with me , but apparently there 's some potential legal snarls there , and it might work out as too expensive . So , loyal readers , please bookmark the above link and be sure to share it with people you know who read my page on a perhaps more sporadic level than you and might miss this message . Some of you might think that because I 've moved , I 'm gonna start holding back a bit with my viewpoints as to what 's happening , but really , guys . The fantastic folks at newviews . org would not have wanted me if they didn 't want my opinions . So , if you thought I was gonna start pulling my punches or changing my opinions , think again . Sorry , trolls . Then again , no , I 'm not sorry , and really , you aren 't either . You come here to be entertained by me , anyway . I know you do , no need to lie about it . Last week , as I 'm sure many of you have heard , the lie - spreading time waster known as Wikipedia got hit with a massive hack and was offline for over 48 hours . I want to stress that I was not involved , though I have nothing but love for the hackers that accomplished it . Hopefully soon the web 's most infamous deceit factory will be completely unable to spew its filth . I am not in contact with the hackers but I hope their next target is snopes . com . As I 'm sure my readers know , I cannot believe how easy it is to mislead so many people at once . Make a website , get some views , suddenly you 're an authority . Wikipedia allows its readers to generate content . How do they know the content being generated isn 't a lie ? Sure , they have to provide citations , but a citation can just be a link to another lying website , like snopes . How do I know snopes is a group of lying scumbags ? Simple . Just go check their page on Impetus Sand . They say Impetus Sand is a myth . A fraud , conducted by conspiracy theorists . Folks , you know that 's ridiculous . I have seen Impetus Sand in action with my own eyes , and I 'm certain you all have , as well . In fact , just the other day I was speaking with a man while riding the bus , and it hit me halfway through the conversation that I was speaking with a man who did not exist . He might have existed once , but no longer . He was a construct ; a being formed from Impetus Sand . What tipped me off was that at one point he stopped , mid - sentence , blinked his eyes , and started his entire sentence over again , same inflection and everything . He had to reset himself . I see it all the time , but you don 't have to believe me . Just check out this link at http : / / optimumscience . net / archives / 10 / 06 / 05 / the _ impossible _ polymer and have a look at what Dr . Magnus Ellison has to say about it . He 's looked at Impetus Sand under a microscope . Wonder how long it will be before the government disappears him . Anyway , my point is that sites like Wikipedia , Snopes , Drudge . com and others exist mainly to keep us coddled , with the wool over our eyes , never questioning the official story . Even google gives you the hits they want you most to see first . They have created a generation of people who will only believe something if one of these " reputable " websites tell them it 's true . What is true anymore ? It 's certainly not " verifiable fact " because there 's nothing verifiable in anything either site gives us , while stuff like Impetus Sand is proven and verifiable , but you won 't catch these sites talking to you about it . This was not a great Christmas season for me , and I don 't have any fear of telling you why . Most of you know I 've gotten death threats before , and to be honest , I 'm proud of them , because being threatened just tells me that they consider me a threat . But over the Christmas season , the threats started being launched at my new employers at nuviews . org , including a virus that got sent to my bosses ' computers . The link I provided last week at optimumscience . net is down now , and in fact , when I google " Magnus Ellison " I get zero hits . They 've done it ; they 've unpersoned him . I have little doubt that in a few months , he or someone suspiciously similar will return to his job as though nothing happened , and will deny that such a thing as Impetus Sand exists . But it won 't be him , not really . His wife will call him the same man , his kids will call him Daddy , but he 'll just be a construct . Of course , pains are being taken to ensure that they can 't find where I am . There are umpteen different proxies and redirects surrounding my IP address , which changes every day . That 's one of the reasons I wanted to work with nuviews . org , but , it appears that they 've managed to infiltrate their offices somehow . I 'm going to be speaking with the CEO at nuviews . org to ensure that this sort of thing can be prevented in the future . I 'm also going to refrain from posting links in my blogs from now on . If I have something to share , I 'm now only going to do it through private messages . This way I will also be able to ensure that people who are clicking on my links are actually interested and reading what 's there . I had an interesting conversation with my brother - in - law today . He likes a good conspiracy theory himself , or at least , he used to . Today he seemed different . More withdrawn . I brought up my old post on the Orpheus Device , which , as some of you may remember , casts a field over you so that literally you are a walking radio to them . You don 't have to use a cell phone or speak in a place where there 's technology around . All you have to do is just speak . Of course , I have screens up around my house which filter sound and add white noise to anything they here , so we were safe to talk , but he still acted like he didn 't want to talk about it . In fact , he is far from the first person that 's started reacting strangely when I talk about my latest online discoveries . Yesterday my neighbor gave me the strangest look when I mentioned Wikipedia , as if she 'd never heard of it . Hmm . It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my friends and family have been gotten to . I don 't think all of them have been replaced with constructs , though I know a few have . This is a mild concern , because it makes me feel like they 're closing in on my location . My wife started acting abnormally when she switched to a new moisturizer . I don 't know how many times I warned her to never do that , in fact to pretty much only use what hygiene products you have to , and even then to make sure you buy them from places like the Dollar Store or other places that it 's unfashionable to shop in . Nanoseeds are in everything , these days . The more you use it , the more you likely have in you , altering the way you think , getting you to suppress the desire to think too much about what you hear , what you read . I 'm sure I have some Nanoseeds in me ; it 's unavoidable . I tried for a few months boiling and refrigerating jugs of tap water and only drinking that , but I kept running out of the boiled stuff and needing to drink something , so I 'd break down and have a glass of water straight from the tap . I do my best to counter - act whatever Nanoseeds I might have by relentlessly fighting against any urge I might have to just forget about this stuff for a while and enjoy life . In fact , even today I find myself just plain tired of having to worry about everything like this . I find myself wanting to just say " screw it " , take down my screens , cancel my blog and just live like the other sheep live . After all , would it be so bad ? I know it would improve my marriage , would improve my relations with others in my neighborhood . In fact , I think those Nanoseeds are starting to convince people that the things I blog about , even the stuff that other websites acknowledge as true , don 't actually exist . My wife blew up on me the other day during an argument , telling me that there is no such thing as newsmax . com . She honestly believes that no such website exists . I offered to fire up my laptop and show her , and she just yelled " There you go with that laptop bullshit again ! " She didn 't even want to look . My brother - in - law won 't even speak to me anymore . He might actually be a construct now , but if he were , wouldn 't he be trying to influence me away from my so - called delusions instead of breaking off contact ? No , I don 't think they 've gotten to him . I think he 's just becoming more afraid of what they can do . Lately , though , I 'm not so sure but what nuviews . org hasn 't been bought . I was recently warned about my content . My content hasn 't changed in five years , so I don 't know why they 'd hire me if they think they can make me say different things from what I believe . I 'm not going to back down . It 's important for people to know this stuff . There are so few of us who have discovered the truth , so many who would rather just swallow whatever pablum they 're given and go along to get along . I thought nuviews . org would help me to spread the word . Now I 'm starting to wonder if they 're not part of the problem . This will be my last post on nuviews . org . A representative of theirs called me today . He didn 't even have to tell me ; I could hear it in his voice . He was a construct . Tell me something , people . You can see my posts , right ? You have computers , right ? You surf the net , right ? I ask because today my wife told me today that she was through with my delusions , that she was taking me to see someone , that she would prove to me once and for all that this silly thing called the " internet " was not real and that in fact , " computers " are giant machines that only the government and prestigious universities can use , so the idea of a laptop was absurd . She told me that my laptop is only a briefcase . It 's happening . They 're unpersoning me . First they got me questioning myself on the bigger stuff , wondering if Nanoseeds , Impetus Sand or Orpheus Devices even exist , and now making me question even if I have readers , a blog , or so much as a computer . I refuse to allow myself to question it . My wife is the delusional one , not me . She 's the one who let more Nanoseeds get inside her thanks to that new moisturizer brand . It 's not going to work . They 're not going to unperson me . - CaffeineHead Out of nowhere I got an email from my brother - in - law . He wants to meet with me . He wants to discuss a few things he 's learned and make sure I can defend myself . He apologized for disappearing , but explained that he realized he was being followed around on a daily basis by men who were doing their best to look innocuous but were always there , every time he examined his surroundings . I hope this isn 't a trick . I 'm going to meet with him today but I am truly afraid that this isn 't what it seems . If all goes well , I 'll blog about it later . " It 's so strange , Dr . Winthrop . My husband was a normal man until five and a half years ago , and then he started talking about strange things like laptops , and blogs and this Internet or Interweb thingy . He would spend hours at a time just staring at an open briefcase , as though there were people in there talking to him . " " Not talking to him , Mrs . Lyman . Reading what he supposedly wrote and replying . We 've seen this delusion in others , a sort of mass psychosis which affects only about one out of a hundred people , but the delusion they share is so real to them that when they discuss it with each other , you could almost believe they 're talking about something real . Of course , in most cases , it 's harmless . They just think they 're getting the latest updates on their favorite singers , or actors . They think they 're sharing photos or brief statements with each other . But in other cases , such as your husband 's , the delusion turns paranoid . But rest assured , your husband will get the treatment he needs . " Orton managed to work around Lyman 's efforts to alert Linda , Orton 's sister and Lyman 's wife , of our existence . Her Nanoseeds have convinced her that she has delivered her husband into psychiatric care , and that the internet , even laptops , do not exist . It may be necessary to program all Nanoseeds to believe this within the next five years , as more and more websites like nuviews . org are springing up . I recommend once again cutting off the source of such sites rather than simply taking over each site as we discover them . Linda Lyman is the 1 , 395 , 983th individual we have had to reprogram to believe that the Internet does not exist . Eventually one of them will say the wrong thing and alert more people to our presence . Posted by But I had tried doing the companionship thing , and it never seemed to be for me . I had a girlfriend for two years , but she left me because I rarely wanted to go out with her friends , preferring to stay home , just the two of us . The feeling that was most prominent after she left was relief . I also tried hanging out with a group of people I met online . As in , hanging out with them in the real world . I did this because my ex - girlfriend told me I needed to get out more , to meet people , to come out of my shell . I realized after hanging out with them that I liked my shell better . Again , it 's not that I didn 't like them . I 'm just not a hang - out kind of person . I 'm not an Asperger 's patient or anything . I can have conversations , I can be friendly . I 've stopped to help strangers on the side of the road who were having car trouble . I 've helped people move who I barely knew . I 've donated blood just because I could . I 've volunteered at a homeless shelter . It 's just a matter of preferring to stay in on a Friday night with a good book , when having a group of friends would mean I 'd feel obligated to go out instead . I woke up , and the first thing I noticed was that the power was out . I live in an older building just south of downtown . The kind of place where the carpet in the halls is stained all over with god - knows - what , the paint on the walls is chipped and peeling , in many places the ceiling is just a collection of exposed pipes , the elevators make odd noises like they 're straining on even the lightest load , and the whole place carries the heady bouquet of booze , cigarettes and weed . The power 's gone out before . The last time it happened , it didn 't come back on for two days . I had just gone grocery shopping the day before . Sucks having to throw out stuff you just bought . So , when I woke , my first feeling was irritation . " They had better not take forever getting it back on this time , " I muttered . Now , where you live , the power probably mostly goes out only after a storm , fire or heavy snowfall . In my building , with wiring that was probably installed during the Ford administration and hadn 't really been upgraded since , the power could go out at any time of the year , and needed no outside catalyst to do so . So it never crossed my mind to wonder why , on a wet - but - not - stormy day in April , the power would go out like this . My alarm clock was dead , of course , so I checked the time on my phone . I swore and leaped into the shower , not caring that the water was ice cold , and that I couldn 't see my hand in front of my face . Even if I walked out the door this very minute , I was going to be an hour late for work . I hate being late . I usually try to be at least fifteen minutes early . It 's a weird side - effect of introverts that we 're usually pretty anal retentive about being on time . Now , this is probably when I first felt it ; that sense of unease . I did my best to ignore it , because I wasn 't a child anymore , and feelings like that are just your mind running away on you . But it was hard to ignore , and not just because of the total darkness of the stairwell . It was because I realized at that point that I had not seen another human being that entire morning . This , by itself , was not an alarming thing . I had often made it to the elevator before without seeing another person . However , while descending into the dark , holding my phone before me , LED light shining , I realized a couple of things that seemed out of place . First , I heard no noise coming from behind any of the other apartments ' doors , which I should have considering the air was off . Second , I was late . I usually left for work before the rush , but today I was leaving at the same time that a lot of other people should be . On an ordinary day , maybe some of them took the elevator and few took the stairs , but today , they all should be on the stairs with me . When I got to the ground floor , things got even stranger . When I had first opened my windows , I had failed to notice just how still the morning was . But I noticed now . The only cars on the street were parked . Not another soul was in sight . The businesses at street level didn 't appear open or closed ; they were just dark and empty . I swallowed the lump of fear that was rising in my throat and told myself that there had to be a good reason for this . But my mind was refusing to accept that . It was 8 : 30 AM on a Tuesday . The streets should be deluged with cars , the sidewalks filled up with people . There should be noise , there should be life . But the only sound was the light wind that wailed between buildings . One ring . Two . Three . Several more . Then voice mail . My boss 's bored voice saying " please leave a message " was the first voice other than my own that I had heard all morning . I opened up a browser and started checking local news . But there wasn 't anything new since yesterday . In fact , my connection was sluggish and eventually dropped out completely . I tried calling a co - worker , the only co - worker whose number I had . He had been the one to offer it to me . Others were always trying to reach out . That wasn 't something I did . He didn 't answer either . I began to wonder if the power outage was affecting the cell towers in the area . Could the power really be out for that wide an area ? I went back to the stairs , phone LED light on again , and began climbing . My apartment was on the eighth floor . I 'm not in the best of shape , and my legs were starting to ache by the third flight . It was the fourth flight , though , when the light on my phone began to fade and then went out completely . " No , no , no ! " I whispered . I thumbed the home button . I then remembered that the phone had not charged during the night as it normally would have . There would have been just enough power left for the one phone call and momentary surfing , plus these trips with the light on . I must have ignored the low power warning , and now it was too late . The phone was a paperweight . " Piece of shit , " I muttered . Somehow I already knew to keep my voice to a whisper . I put the phone back in its clip and stood on the stairs for a moment , calming down . You 'd think I would be glad to know that another person was still around . You 'd think that after noticing how empty my world was all of a sudden , that I 'd be relieved to know that I was not alone . And for a moment , I tried to tell myself that I was . The footsteps were slow , inexorable . They echoed through the darkness like the slow drumbeat before a death march . They were somewhat soft , at first , though I could tell the feet that made their tread was heavy . But they were getting nearer . From their sound , they were less than two flights below me . I didn 't think . I bolted up the stairs . I paused at the top of every flight to listen . They kept coming . I thought of calling out , but every instinct said that would be foolish . I tried telling myself it was just my misanthropy rearing its ugly head again , but this feeling wasn 't a mere wish to be by myself for a while . Every sense I had told me that in this unnatural stillness , this unthinkable emptiness , that nothing should be moving . I had not heard so much as the bark of a dog from within this building . But something else was here besides me . I knew , at the core of my being , that it wasn 't supposed to be there . I reached my floor and headed out into the hallway . I paused at the door after pulling it closed and listened . Those footsteps continued , not even having increased their pace . They sounded much closer . The hallway was empty , as I knew it would be . I pulled myself away from the door and listened . My own heartbeat , hammering in my ears , and my heavy breathing were the only sounds I heard . There was a window at the end of the hallway , letting in dim grey light , but it was still hard to see . I began walking left . The hallway had an intersection up ahead . I turned right , the direction of my apartment , and kept walking . Behind me , I heard the door to the stairwell open . The footsteps , still slow but unrelenting , started down the hallway . I waited . Maybe they had turned in the other direction . But no , they were getting louder . Coming toward me . I turned and walked quickly in the direction of my apartment . I didn 't run . If I ran , I would make more noise . I tried to keep my breathing quiet as well . I reached my apartment , but still heard those footsteps behind me . At any moment their owner would turn the corner . I reached for my keys , but a new thought struck me . The footsteps sounded close enough that this . . . person . . . could turn the corner just as I was closing the door . Then my one safe hiding place would be exposed . Thinking quickly , I turned and ran as quietly as I could in the same direction as before , heading for the other stairwell on this floor . And then I began to feel a little silly . After all , why was I so convinced that this person was pursuing me ? I was the only person I had seen today , but that was the unnatural thing , not the sudden appearance of another person . Somehow , some incident , a disaster or abduction or rapture , or whatever , had emptied my neighborhood , but left me behind , and if I was still here , why would I assume that no one else was ? This person could just be someone else who lived on the eighth floor , likely just as confused and terrified as I was . I shook my head and laughed at myself , but I stuck with my plan . I circled around the building , headed for the other stairwell . Reaching it , I began to climb up . . . I instantly flew back down the stairs and back into the hallway , running full tilt for the very stairs I had just come down , bolting back up them . I cautiously opened the door back on my floor , listening . No steps as of yet . All thoughts of the footsteps belonging to another confused , frightened person had left my mind . Those heavy treads did not belong to a person who was in the same situation as me . They did not sound frightened , or confused . They were purposeful . A purpose that I knew could not be good . This time , I reached my apartment and managed to get inside . I locked the door , the deadbolt , and secured the chain on the door . I stood there for a second , feeling like that wasn 't enough , and finally put a chair under the knob . Then I went into the living room and huddled against the large window . For a very long time , nothing happened . And then I heard them again . There was no doubt in my mind now that the footsteps were coming for me . They trod , persistently , inescapably closer , starting to slow further as they reached my apartment door . They stopped . Just on the other side of my door , something waited , possibly listening for me , but knowing beyond a doubt that I was inside . I thought I could smell something from the hall . Something that smelled . . . hot . That 's the only way I can describe it . It smelled hot . I waited . It waited . The silence was palpable . I felt that the air between us had solidified , waiting , as the world did , for the inevitable . My doorknob rattled . First a little , then vigorously . I sat there , numb , my breath coming in short gasps , my heart beating so fast it felt like a continuous pressure in my chest . Finally the rattling stopped . I slowly pulled myself away from the window and fired up my laptop . Unlike my phone , it had not been on all night and the battery was still fully charged . I don 't know if anyone is still out there to read this . I don 't even know how long the internet will continue to work . I never needed people before today , but I sure need them now . Being a misanthrope has its oddities , but no situation I 've been in has been more odd than this . He lived far from where his three children had settled . Grandma died when I was a small child , and he ended up remarrying another woman a few years later who demanded that he move out west so that she could be nearer to her sons . She was a piece of work , was Grandma Hester . We all wondered how Grandpa could stand her . It turns out that perhaps he could not . We 're not precisely sure when he developed dementia , but it was probably years before we noticed it . He 'd tell us about people he was speaking to , or visiting with , or a trip he took . Years later , after we learned he was suffering from dementia , we 'd learn that conversation , that visit or that trip never actually happened . For all we really know , any story he told us from the last decade and a half leading up to his coming back east could be a false memory . We would have no way of knowing . Hester rarely communicated with us herself . Probably our first clue that Grandpa wasn 't himself anymore happened a few weeks after he came back east to live with my parents . Most of the family had settled in one area ; my wife and I lived in the south end of our city , as did one set of cousins , but my father and his two sisters all lived in the north , within driving distance of each other . A few of my aunts ' children had moved out of town , and my brother had as well , but there were still enough of us around that Grandpa could visit with . We would often have gatherings at my parents ' house where Grandpa would either hold court with some story or would go to sleep . Later that same month , he told my aunts and uncles the story of how he came out east after living with Hester got to be too much . " I prayed to the Lord , " said Grandpa . " And the next thing I knew , Martin was there . " Martin was my father . I remembered him driving out to the tiny , cold house on a hill in Colorado to get Grandpa . He had not come due to any divine intervention . He had come because Grandpa called him in the night and pleaded with him to come get him . We all loved Grandpa , but caring for him was not easy . For one thing , Grandpa had gotten it into his head that he was a young , single man with many years ahead of him , and the only thing missing was a young woman at his side . If he spoke for any length of time with a younger woman , he became convinced that she was in love with him , and that perhaps she should be his new bride . Hester was even still alive at this point . He had forgotten her utterly . Dad and Mom didn 't let him go on walks by himself , but that didn 't mean he didn 't sneak away sometimes when Dad was away and Mom was in the basement . He had to use a walker to get around , and simply couldn 't do stairs , but refused to admit this to anyone , including himself , leading to a lot of falls . He would also get confused as to where he was , or where he lived . At times , during his walks , he would attempt to find the old family home that he raised my father and aunts in , despite it having been long gone since before I was born . Dad picked him up from a police station , where he had been taken after some patrol officers saw him wandering around , clearly lost . The time he tried to drive Dad 's car was after that . He decided that the reason he got lost is because he had to walk . He managed to get the E - break off and rolled right down the fairly steep incline outside my parents ' house , crashing into a fence . The damage was minimal , but after that incident , my parents realized he needed to be in a full time care facility . My father visited him three times a week . I have no idea how often my aunts went , or if they even did . I tended to only go when there was a family gathering , and increasingly I began to realize that he had no clue who I was . He 'd smile and greet me as though I was someone he had just met . He 'd tell me about his children , describing them as " little kids " , and even going as far as to invent a friend who was looking after them while he was in this home with " all these old people . " Grandpa was 93 at the time . He was much older than many of the others who lived there . But somehow , they were the " old people " , while he was not . But he had never been violent before . That changed one night when Dad was called to come to the facility quickly . Grandpa had wandered into the wrong room , and had come out screaming , raising his walker up in the air and slamming it into the ground , taking a few swings at people who tried to calm him down . He began accusing the staff of stealing his things . He was bellowing as loud as he could : " Give them back ! Give them back ! " When Dad got there , they had gotten him into his room , and he was somewhat appeased . Somewhat . He had a can of Ensure in a tube sock , and almost hit my father in the head with it when he came in . He apologized ( Dad was one of the few people he always recognized ) , and said he had been waiting for " the thief " to come back . " A man who 'd steal from me 'd just as soon kill me , " he explained . The Ensure - in - a - sock was his weapon to fend off the thief . He told Dad about the men who had come to give him all his things back . " They put it all back , just like it was , " he said . " Didn 't take ' em long . " Later that night , he told Dad about how much it had scared Florence . He hated that she 'd had to go through that . Florence was my grandmother ; the one who died when I was six . He finished by saying that Florence had gone somewhere , and when he went looking for her : " They told me she was dead . One day , they 're gonna come looking for me , and they 're gonna find me dead . " That was a jolt to my father . Grandpa had never , at any point before that , acknowledged his mortality , his advanced age , or the fact that he had probably no more than a handful of years left at best . Aging , and death , was something that happened to other people . But here he was , accepting that death was near . That wasn 't the last night he mentioned the thief . He even gave the thief a name ; Charlie Rosen . It was strange that he would invent a whole person , name included . He didn 't even name the friend who was looking after his kids . In fact , that person ceased to exist ; Charlie Rosen had stolen his kids . Had killed Florence . Had come to his home in Colorado and routinely taunted him , beat him , and he even declared that Hester had been sleeping with him . He remembered her now , and was certain that she and Charlie were ganging up on him to make his life a living hell . In the last six months of his life , he would become increasingly agitated . Dad could not have a single visit wherein Grandpa would not mention Charlie . And then the violence started up again . In one visit , Grandpa accused Dad of being Charlie , and attacked him . After that , Dad 's visits dropped to once a week , and he didn 't stay long . Once , I went with him . It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive , and I will never forget it . " Charlie was here again today , " Grandpa told us as soon as we arrived . " He told me I couldn 't leave this room anymore . He 's trapped me here . " " Dad , this is where you live , " my father tried to explain . " See , here 's a picture of Mother . Why would Charlie let you keep that ? " " Mother had an aneurysm , " said Dad . " You and I decided together to unplug the machine . She died in her sleep , but no one killed her . " " No , no , it was Charlie . " Grandpa 's voice was not agitated . It was solid , like he knew for a fact what he was saying . " He poisoned her . Made something go wrong in her head . I didn 't know it then , but I realized it later , after he introduced me to Hester . Conned me into marrying her . He 's my personal demon , that Charlie . " Dad finally had had enough . " There is no Charlie ! " he said , nearly shouting . You aren 't supposed to correct people who have dementia ; it just confuses them more and makes them upset . But my father forgot this in that moment . " Charlie is someone you made up ! Mother died naturally , you met Hester at a coffee shop years after Mother died , and while she was not a nice woman , she was not unfaithful to you ! Please , stop talking about Charlie ! " " Dear Lord in Heaven , " said Grandpa . " He got to you . He told you to say these things . You 're part of it too ! " " I don 't want to play any fucking checkers ! " screamed Grandpa . I couldn 't have been more surprised if he 'd hit me . Grandpa had never used profanity in his life . " By - words " , as he called them , were only used by bad men , as far as he was concerned . " Not with you ! Not with him ! Charlie Rosen 's pet demons ! He comes to me every day . He talks to me about Florence . He taunts me . He reads my mind and he takes thoughts away and puts in new ones , worse ones . He tells me about how he rapes my little ones . How he and Hester keep them half - starved and chained in their basement . I can 't stop him ! He can go inside my mind ! He 's controlling me ! " We left after that , without saying goodbye . Driving home , I almost wanted to cry . This kind , loving man was ending his days as a raving , violent lunatic . It wasn 't right . It wasn 't fair . What kind of monster was this Charlie ? That thought stopped me cold . For an instant , I had accepted that Charlie was real . Giving my head a shake , I resolved to think about something else . But an image of Charlie had been forming in my mind , beginning a few months back , when Grandpa had first started talking about him . I only now realized that when Grandpa spoke of this demonic man , I was picturing him in my mind , and I could see him as clearly as I could memories of real people . I thought of the last time I had visited Grandpa in that tiny house in the mountains of Colorado , when I was a teenager , sitting at that little round table while Hester served us some of her inedible glop , and I would see a man standing in the corner of the kitchen , watching us eat . A tall , gangly man with leathery skin stretched over sharp - looking bone and corded muscle . Shaggy grey hair hanging down , obscuring the upper part of his face , his smile stretching like a knife - slash across his jaw . I thought of the wedding . I was twelve years old . I met Hester for the first time . And standing a ways behind her was that same man . I remember a family gathering at the facility Grandpa was concurrently staying at . Didn 't we pass that man in the hall once ? No , of course not . These were just images my mind had cooked up the more Grandpa talked about this shady character that never existed . The brain can do that ; insert false people in your memory just because you decide , subconsciously , to remember them . It doesn 't mean you 're insane ; it 's just another way for your brain to play tricks on you . Grandpa had invented a person who he talked about with such conviction , as though Charlie was real . So my mind had conjured up a Charlie Rosen . But there was no Charlie Rosen . Everything was normal at the start . My parents , my aunts and uncles , my wife and I , and our children , my brother and his wife , and their son , my cousins , their spouses and their children , we all gathered under the same roof for the first time in years . No one was missing . No one was out of town and couldn 't make it . Two of my cousins I hadn 't seen since they were children . It was nice to catch up with them . The service was nice , as well . The pastor who served the spiritual needs at Grandpa 's facility was the officiator . Grandpa looked calm and peaceful , whole , so unlike what he had been in the last few months of life . I started to feel calm myself ; Grandpa was where he belonged now , where the devils of his own fevered , decaying brain couldn 't get to him anymore . And then we drove to the cemetery . The coffin was lowered . We all sprinkled a handful of dirt on the coffin and began our walk back to the cars . And then the gravedigger came out of the shadows to start shoveling the rest of the dirt . I could barely read the embroidered name tag on his coveralls . It looked like " C . Rose " or " C . Risen " . Or . . . no . It couldn 't be . He was tall , gangly , with leathery skin , sharp - looking bones , corded muscle , long grey hair . And that smile . That smile that haunts my nightmares to this day . Today , I felt like I had to write all this down . To make sure I remember it all , before things get worse . Because today , my father called me to complain that Charlie was driving past his house and staring in his windows . I 'm very worried about my son . More than worried , at this point . Terrified . His behavior these past few weeks is not normal , not healthy . It makes me think there 's something wrong . At first , he would just come and stand at the door way . He did this at night , just before I 'd be ready to fall asleep . I 'd roll over to turn off the lamp , and he 'd be standing there , in the doorway . I used to try to speak to him . I don 't do that anymore . He never has answered me . He just stares . A couple of days ago , he graduated from standing in the doorway to coming in and sitting on the bed . He still doesn 't speak . I have asked him what he wants . I 've asked him if anything is bothering him . It 's not like him to be so quiet . He usually waits until my wife is asleep . That 's the part that gets me . She always falls asleep before me , and he has never come in when she 's awake . But then , she didn 't have a hand in this . If something doesn 't change soon , I don 't know what I 'm gonna do . I 'm starting to feel like he knows that I 'm the one who killed him . |
My flight landed three hours late . I was beyond exhausted . I can 't sleep on planes . I waited for my luggage looking like a zombie and feeling even worse . My car sat where I 'd parked it five days ago . It looked like a woman waiting in the door for her cheating husband who 'd been gone three hours longer than he 'd said he 'd be . I schlepped to the trunk and heaved in my suitcase . At the time I didn 't even notice that no one else was going to their car , despite the flight having been booked to maximum . It was November 12th . Snow wasn 't falling yet , but was threatening to . The lights in the parkade glared in my eyes and beyond the lot I could see only blackness . I put the key into the ignition and pulled out , leaving the airport behind and heading west on Highway 348 . Within just a couple of miles I realized I was surrounded on all sides by a dense fog worthy of a John Carpenter movie . I wasn 't bugged so much by that as the fact that my headlights were reflecting little back to me other than a swirling wall of white . The street lights were more hindrance than help . I switched to low beams and drove a bit slower than normal . The fog was thicker than cotton . I could see only a few feet ahead . Passing a streetlight meant momentary light - blindedness . I began to feel disoriented , as if I was driving through clouds . After a while , the streetlights ended and my own headlights were the only light source around . I turned on the radio , but was met with low - humming static on every station . It only added to the rudderless feeling in my bones . I was a sailor on a tiny skiff adrift in strange , silent waters . I could see glimpses of landscape here and there beside the road . Open fields with unknown crops , the odd scarecrow , but no houses . No people . No other cars . For the first time , I realized that I was utterly alone . I have always enjoyed the comforting quiet of chosen solitude . This was not that . This was the quiet of the crypt . There was no movement within the fog , aside from the odd tree waving slightly in the low early winter breeze . I could hear the running of my tires against the asphalt . I could hear the low hiss of the heater . I could hear my own heart beating in my ears . These noises seemed to shout in the stillness . And then , as if summoned from the ethereal fog , two pinpricks of light sprouted in my rear - view . Seeing them , my heart began to thud more loudly . There is nothing less natural than the feeling of utter isolation except for when that isolation is broken just when you have begun to accept it . The headlights from behind crept closer . Their approach filled me with an inexplicable terror that gnawed at the edges of my vision , making the world tremor before my eyes . I was suddenly sure that whoever was in that car was following me , had been searching for me , and would hunt me . An off - ramp became evident in the fog . My rational self surfaced just long enough to remind myself that I was already on the correct road , but . . . was I ? Had I passed endless fields with no houses on the way out to the airport ? Were there not streetlights for mile after mile on the correct road ? Was I perhaps already lost ? " If he 's not following me , he 'll keep going , " I whispered to myself . This was pure folly , of course . The driver could live on this road . It was I who had taken the wrong path , but that didn 't mean it was the wrong path for everyone . The lights followed me . To my fevered mind , they were no longer headlights , but malevolent eyes , hunting me through the darkness , glowing their eldritch glow as they searched for me . I kept driving , trying to talk myself into believing that I being ridiculous , but as the headlights grew closer , the more like eyes they seemed . A sudden thought rose in my mind . What if the car belonged to a police officer who just wanted to tell me a tail light was out ? I didn 't think either of my tail lights were , but what if my license plate light was out ? This time it was my rational self that knocked that thought down . A police officer doesn 't follow you for miles without so much as flashing his red - and - blues or sounding his siren . I was so preoccupied with the lights in my rear - view that I failed to notice that I should be seeing streetlights again by now . I had been driving in the other direction , headed back to the airport , for a good hour before I realized that , aside from my headlights and the ones behind me , there were no other light sources whatsoever . The fog was still thick , but translucent in patches . I still saw nothing but endless fields . This entire ordeal had gone far enough . I pulled over . As I was now certain it would , the car behind me , if car it was , pulled over as well . I steeled myself , screwing my courage to the sticking point , as the saying goes . I didn 't have a gun . The closest thing I had to a weapon was an 18 - inch crescent wrench that was old and rusty . It was laying in my back seat . I picked it up and got out . Viewing the lights from this angle made it clear that they were indeed headlights . The only question now was what sort of person was following me , and why . I conjured up a picture of a faceless man in a long coat with a hood over his face . . . . it was a tiny Honda Civic , painted an almost purplish shade of blue . Seated at the wheel was a thin man with thick horn - rims . He was losing his hair . The man was hardly looking at me . His eyes darted about in the fog . " I . . . uh . . . " he said . " I didn 't know what else to do ! " " Your car was the only one I 've seen in over three hours , " he said . His voice was high and tinny . " I don 't know where I am . . . where . . . where we are . I thought if I didn 't let your car out of my sight that maybe . . . maybe we 'd get out of here . Wherever this is . " " Start making sense , moron , " I said . I was starting to feel justifiably angry . " We 're on Highway 348 . You probably came from the airport the same way I did ! " " Airport ? " The guy seemed utterly mystified . " There 's . . . there 's no airport around here . I was on the road from Kingsport to visit my sister in Bristol . Wait , what highway did you say this was ? " " Ah . . . actually , " he began , then broke off in a fit of bitter laughter . " I . . . ha ha . . . I don 't think it 's either place . Look around you , friend . Do you think we 're still anywhere we should be ? " Until he said this , I had been focused entirely on him . Him and that tiny little car . The fog shifted all about us , and I could see as little as before . Except . . . I realized that I could see more now . Both our cars were turned off now . No lights shown around us at all except a thin , wan glow that filtered through the fog like a tea light through a diaphanous curtain . I saw how still everything remained . . . but then , nothing was still . Silently , as though walking on pure air , shapes were moving through the fog . Gigantic , monstrous shapes . They writhed and danced in the low light , and what I could see of them made me feel quite certain that they should not exist . They boiled together in obscene movements , never ceasing , never confirming their own eldritch shapes to my unbelieving eyes . I saw a giant being with arms protruding from all sides ushering thousands of smaller versions of itself through the curtain of fog . Summers when I was a kid were spent at my grandmothers 's place . At the time , my parents didn 't have cable , so I spent a lot - and I mean a lot - of time in front of her TV watching whatever I could find that was even a little entertaining . I remember a lot of it , but there 's other stuff that exists as fragments of memory and to this day I have no idea if I was hallucinating or if this stuff really exists somewhere . The first was a scene with several old men sitting around the table . It looked like it was filmed on video , and I remember the men having British accents , though , since I lived in the south , it could very well have been New York accents and it would have sounded just as foreign to me . Anyway , they 're just having a meeting of some sort or another when one of them suddenly says " . . . what 's happening to him ? " I don 't remember the name of the man he was pointing out . All I remember is that the camera cut to the man in question and his face was melting . As in , falling right off his skull . It looked like a mudslide with an eyeball or two thrown in . The effects might have been cheap and cheesy , and if I saw it today , I probably wouldn 't think much of it . But at the time it sickened me , and in my memory it looks more realistic than the Nazis having their faces melted in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Not to mention slower , so you have more time to absorb what 's really happening . To this day that face - melting just shows up in my memory . I have no idea what this is from . Google , again , was no help . As far as the world at large is concerned , this scene did not happen . It was never on television . No one I 've talked to remembers it , even on websites all about trying to pin down various movies and TV series and putting names to them . But I remember . I can 't stop remembering , and I remember just enough so that , while I can 't forget it , I can 't figure out if it was real , either . My grandmother died recently . She was over 80 and Grandpa died a long time ago , so it was time to go through her estate , get it all divvied up and put the house on the market . I wasn 't responsible for most of that , but I did travel upstate for three days to help clear out the attic , basement and bedrooms and help get the house looking sellable . All three nights that I slept there , I kept hearing voices coming from other rooms in the house . Not dreams , because I hadn 't fallen asleep yet . I 'm not the type who generally hears voices , and these were not voices of people I knew . They were the voices from the programs . I would be laying in bed , and from my grandmother 's den where the television was , I would hear a sudden shout of " You 're not my parents ! You can 't be ! " . I would hear robotic , monotonous laughter . " Ha . Ha . Ha . " I would hear " What 's happening to him ? " And here 's the kicker , the reason I decided to make a post about it ; each time I heard these voices , I would go into the den and the TV would be on , showing static . The voices would be silent at that point , but I never turned the TV on . I turned it off each time , only to hear the voices moments later , and realize it had turned back on . My level of education is not sufficient to get hired at the jobs where you make the big bucks . For a long time I cut grass , shoveled sidewalks or flipped burgers . And then there was the time I scored a position as a night watchman at a local office complex . There wasn 't much to the night watchman job . The building is three floors and a basement , most of which is viewable from a bank of monitors in a back room . The building 's in a pretty quiet area of town , and there 's nothing in it to steal , so really , I discovered on my first shift that this was a pretty low - key sort of job . Gerry showed me the ropes , along with the guy I 'd be sharing part of my shift with , a younger guy named Mike . Gerry was nearing sixty , if he wasn 't already past it , but the best you 'd ever get from him was " Forty - five and holding . " Mike was younger than me ; didn 't even look like he 's been out of high school for very long . Gerry was the afternoon security guard who , technically , was in charge of Mike and I . Which is to say that he made sure we kept the sheets properly and caught hell if we didn 't , but he didn 't actually have any authority over us , and never acted like he did . If anything , it was more like three guys who did the same job ; Gerry did his from 4 PM to midnight , Mike came on duty at 5 PM , which is when the business day was officially over , and stayed until 1 AM , and I started at midnight and finished at 8 AM , officially opening the doors in the morning to let in Lester , the morning security guard , whom I rarely ever interacted with . Within a week , I fit into the rhythm of the place very easily . Gerry and Mike were fun guys . I 'd get there in time to hang out with both men for a bit , share a smoke with Mike and Gerry before Gerry departed for the night , and then hung out , joked , smoked and argued with Mike until he left , at which point I 'd usually pick up a novel , play games on my phone or just about anything to keep my mind occupied , until the morning . There were duties other than monitoring the stations , of course . Every hour , on the hour , a full circuit of each floor , and the basement , was necessary , and I was to mark on the sheet that I had done so , and put an " AC " for " all clear " next to my name , unless I found something out of the ordinary , which rarely happened . I was told that at worst I might right down that a light needed replacing or there was a drip in the ceiling somewhere . About three weeks into the job , I first heard the term " Joe the Creep " . Gerry said it in response to something Mike had said . When I think back to the conversation , I can 't really recall what Mike said to prompt him , but Gerry had laughed and said " Yeah , and I 'm gonna let old Joe the Creep get me , too . " Mike laughed back in response . I didn 't pay too much attention then , but after a couple of other references to " Joe the Creep " , I started to get a little curious . It would always be a snide reference of some sort , like " Don 't take too long in the toilet , Mike , Joe the Creep 's probably watching you masturbate " or " Shower before the next shift , okay , Gerry ? You 're starting to smell like Joe the Creep " or even " Dude , the only guy interested in your story is Joe the Creep . " The straw that broke the camel 's back happened on my last night there . I 'd been there for just over three months . You 'll understand in just a bit why I quit the next morning . I was running slightly behind . The bus was late . Mike and Gerry were having a smoke , and I walked up to join them . Everything was normal for the first bit . Gerry was telling a ribald joke , Mike was laughing and hocking spit between each puff , and both greeted me like always when I walked up to the smoking area . So . He was a real person . This was an interesting turn . Up until now he seemed like a story ; an in - joke among the staff . I looked at Gerry and said " Well ? " Gerry took a long puff on his smoke and smiled , looking a little abashed . " Coulda sworn I told you , but oh well . Joe was a guy who used to work here back in . . . I wanna say it was the mid - 80 's but it could have been the late 70 's . He wasn 't here all that long , but while he was here , he made an impression . He didn 't talk much , or at least , not to other people . He would come in , staring at the floor , mumbling to himself . He took his lunch breaks alone , didn 't speak to anyone unless they spoke to him first , didn 't seem to even realize others were around . You 've worked with guys like that , right ? Something 's just a little off ? " " Well , Joe , it turns out , actually was a bit of a creep . He kept writing stuff down in a little notebook , and never would let the rest of us see it , but one day he accidentally dropped it while in the elevator . There was a woman who worked here then , her name was Sue , I think , and she saw just a bit of what was in the notebook . It was enough to make her notify HR about him . " " Sue wasn 't allowed to talk about it , but boy did HR tear him a new one . He got a one - week suspension , and when he came back , he was even worse than before . Now he would stare at people , hardly even blinking , until they looked at him and then he would look away . He did this to me , once , but I told him if I caught him looking at me like that again , we 'd have it out in the parking lot . " But then the day came when a woman came shrieking out of the file room . Turned out that Joe was in there , hiding behind the cabinets and staring at her . Her eye managed to accidentally land on him , and he hissed at her . Nobody saw that but her , but I never had any trouble believing her , and they did find Joe in the copy room , still behind the cabinets . Needless to say , he was fired on the spot , but he asked if he could go get some of his personal files out of the basement before he left . " " Yeah , probably , " said Gerry . " Back then , they didn 't really think about sending someone down with him . They just had a guard wait at the top of the stairs . I mean , you know there 's only one flight of stairs going down there . " " Cliched , isn 't it ? " said Gerry . " Yep . Hanging by his belt . That part I can verify , because when they were carrying out his body , the sheet that was over it slipped a little , and I saw the ligature marks . That was the end of Joe the Creep , or so they say . " " Or so they say ? " I mimicked , wiggling my eyebrows . " Don 't tell me . Joe the Creep haunts the basement to this very day ? " " Well , that part 's the silly part , " said Gerry . " See , there was a rumor that he had stashed that notebook down there , and that was what he was going to get . But for some reason he decided to hang himself instead . And , just like any story , it 's sorta grown since then . Now there 's even a rhyme you 're not supposed to say . " At that , Gerry 's face got a bit red and he seemed to choke a bit on his smoke . " Well , I . . . " he began . " Well , not . . . not really . I started to once , but . . . well , I don 't like to play with stuff like that . Never did the Bloody Mary trick either . I been down in that basement lotsa times , and nothing ever happened , so why play around and invite something like that , right ? " Something felt cold on my neck . Up until that moment , it had all seemed like an amusing story . But Gerry 's reaction was real . He believed in Joe the Creep . Believed enough to never test the legend , apparently . We finished our smokes and went inside . When we got to the security booth , Gerry started packing up his stuff and I realized that we were all three as quiet as the grave . We usually were still laughing and joking at this point . Gerry even stayed quiet when he started heading out , not even saying good night . Mike must have noticed , because a few seconds later , he leapt up and followed him out . I sat at the station monitors and stared at the various rooms as they flashed by . And I thought : Joe the Creep . How silly . But somehow , the image of being watched through a crack in filing cabinets , of a crazy man hissing as I spot him , stayed with me . Joe the Creep , who died in the deep . Don 't close your eyes or he 'll kill you in your sleep . " Nothing , " said Mike , but gave himself away a second later . " Hey , let 's start with the basement this time , okay ? " Usually the basement was last . " Well , listen , man , " said Mike . " If you won 't say it , I 'm gonna say it . But then I 'm not going down there , so it 's up to you if you want to leave it off the rounds for the night . " " I knew you were scared , " said Mike . " You believe in the legend , don 't you ? You 're practically shittin ' in your drawers at the idea of old Joe the Creep coming for you . " But I wasn 't listening . I headed back to the monitor station . Let Mike do the rounds by himself for the rest of his shift , if he was gonna be like that . Oddly enough , he did . By the time his shift was over , he had done two full circuits of all the floors ; all , I noticed , except the basement . He didn 't even so much as crack the doors the rest of the night . I realized I was holding my breath . Stupid of me . Well , I decided enough was enough . I was no child , to believe such silly stories . It was time to man up and do my job . I grabbed my flashlight and notebook , and headed up the stairs . I made my circuit of the top floor , the second floor . Nothing out of the ordinary . The ground floor , where I had started . All clear . The basement was a fairly large room , but smaller in floor space than the above - ground floors . A bank of twelve lights for the entire room were spread out over the ceiling , none of them all that powerful . The basement was a dark room at the best of times . Think the level of lighting in an sub - ground bar at night . The stairs were steep , and they went down surprisingly far . There were stacks of shelves down here that stood anywhere from five feet to fifteen , and the ceiling extended a good ten feet above them . I was pretty far underground . I started my circuit . There were twenty rows . From each one , the one next to it was only visible through tiny spaces between stacked boxes of files . Before I knew what I was doing , I was pulling it down and looking through it . In a scrawling hand , multiple pages were filled with entries . All the ink used was red . As I read them , I realized that if I saw this from a subordinate , my next call would be to the police , not HR . A cartoon head of a woman 's head was drawn crudely next to it . Dots of red were underneath it , and I realized they were meant to represent dripping blood . Her eyes were angry spirals of red . - Steve Linden took my parking space today . He didn 't even apologize . I began to notice a stink in the air . No , not a stink . A fetid stench . It was like someone had let off ten stink bombs right next to me . The air had grown still , and I heard something in the silence . A schlep that sounded wet and rubbery . I shown my flashlight down the row and saw movement in the row next to mine . My blood froze , and I struggled to breathe . The figure continued to walk slowly , inexorably down the row . Within a few short minutes it would round the corner and I would be face to face with it . It turned to look in my direction and my flashlight beam caught it . Barely human features glared back at me . The intense , fevered eyes of madness burned through me . My feet came unglued from their spot and I bolted down the row at top speed . The thing was barely moving , apparently expecting me to remain frozen in fear . I made it to the steps and locked the door once I had ascended . I spent the rest of my shift with all the lights on around the monitor desk , wide awake and watching every corner for movement . I was still like that when Lester came and I let him in . My hand was still shaking as I wrote " AC " on all the hour entries on the sheet . His eyes got large when he looked at my face . " Aw , geez , " he said . " Listen man , I . . . I owe you an apology . " " Wait , " I said . " This whole thing 's been a joke ? " I thought of the thing in the row next to me , of the journal that must have been planted for me to find , of the stench of something long dead . " Not all of it , " he said . " But if you heard anything weird last night , someone trying to get in at the back , or something , that was just us . We thought it would be fun to give you a little scare . " " Heard ? " I exclaimed . " I didn 't just hear you idiots , I saw you ! What did you do , rig up some kind of Halloween prop ? Let off some stink bombs ? That wasn 't funny . I 've never been so scared in my life ! " " What ? " Gerry seemed very confused . " We planned to come in through the back while you were on your rounds and scare you , but there 's something wrong with the lock on the back door . We couldn 't get it open . We never got in the building once Mike left . I just . . . felt bad and wanted to apologize . " Let me start by saying , thanks for reading . You guys have been amazing to me . I started this blog when I wasn 't even sure what blogs were , or what I wanted to do with mine . I never dreamed that in just five short years , I 'd have such a large , and loyal , group of readers . Even the trolls , I thank you as well , because every time I get a comment , my hit count goes up and that adds to the revenue I collect from my sponsors . Each and every one of you who have read , liked , disliked , commented or flamed has helped me go from just another college kid to a person who can make a living doing what he loves ; writing . Anyway , I 'm saying all this because I wanted to announce that I 'll be moving to a new URL starting in two weeks . I 've decided that today will be my last post on this blog because there 's going to be a ton of work involved in my next venture . I 'll be joining the ever - expanding ranks of the professional bloggers on nuviews . org . I cannot say enough how thrilled I am to be working with these amazing people . Blogging never felt like a real job before , even with the ad revenue I was generating , but now , now I feel like I 've found my calling . I 'll be writing the same stuff I 've always written , but now it 's actually my job . My old content will still be at this url , but new content will be available at http : / / caffeinehead . nuviews . org starting in two weeks . I 'll still be blogging about as often , but it will be there , not here . I wanted to move my entire back catalog with me , but apparently there 's some potential legal snarls there , and it might work out as too expensive . So , loyal readers , please bookmark the above link and be sure to share it with people you know who read my page on a perhaps more sporadic level than you and might miss this message . Some of you might think that because I 've moved , I 'm gonna start holding back a bit with my viewpoints as to what 's happening , but really , guys . The fantastic folks at newviews . org would not have wanted me if they didn 't want my opinions . So , if you thought I was gonna start pulling my punches or changing my opinions , think again . Sorry , trolls . Then again , no , I 'm not sorry , and really , you aren 't either . You come here to be entertained by me , anyway . I know you do , no need to lie about it . Last week , as I 'm sure many of you have heard , the lie - spreading time waster known as Wikipedia got hit with a massive hack and was offline for over 48 hours . I want to stress that I was not involved , though I have nothing but love for the hackers that accomplished it . Hopefully soon the web 's most infamous deceit factory will be completely unable to spew its filth . I am not in contact with the hackers but I hope their next target is snopes . com . As I 'm sure my readers know , I cannot believe how easy it is to mislead so many people at once . Make a website , get some views , suddenly you 're an authority . Wikipedia allows its readers to generate content . How do they know the content being generated isn 't a lie ? Sure , they have to provide citations , but a citation can just be a link to another lying website , like snopes . How do I know snopes is a group of lying scumbags ? Simple . Just go check their page on Impetus Sand . They say Impetus Sand is a myth . A fraud , conducted by conspiracy theorists . Folks , you know that 's ridiculous . I have seen Impetus Sand in action with my own eyes , and I 'm certain you all have , as well . In fact , just the other day I was speaking with a man while riding the bus , and it hit me halfway through the conversation that I was speaking with a man who did not exist . He might have existed once , but no longer . He was a construct ; a being formed from Impetus Sand . What tipped me off was that at one point he stopped , mid - sentence , blinked his eyes , and started his entire sentence over again , same inflection and everything . He had to reset himself . I see it all the time , but you don 't have to believe me . Just check out this link at http : / / optimumscience . net / archives / 10 / 06 / 05 / the _ impossible _ polymer and have a look at what Dr . Magnus Ellison has to say about it . He 's looked at Impetus Sand under a microscope . Wonder how long it will be before the government disappears him . Anyway , my point is that sites like Wikipedia , Snopes , Drudge . com and others exist mainly to keep us coddled , with the wool over our eyes , never questioning the official story . Even google gives you the hits they want you most to see first . They have created a generation of people who will only believe something if one of these " reputable " websites tell them it 's true . What is true anymore ? It 's certainly not " verifiable fact " because there 's nothing verifiable in anything either site gives us , while stuff like Impetus Sand is proven and verifiable , but you won 't catch these sites talking to you about it . This was not a great Christmas season for me , and I don 't have any fear of telling you why . Most of you know I 've gotten death threats before , and to be honest , I 'm proud of them , because being threatened just tells me that they consider me a threat . But over the Christmas season , the threats started being launched at my new employers at nuviews . org , including a virus that got sent to my bosses ' computers . The link I provided last week at optimumscience . net is down now , and in fact , when I google " Magnus Ellison " I get zero hits . They 've done it ; they 've unpersoned him . I have little doubt that in a few months , he or someone suspiciously similar will return to his job as though nothing happened , and will deny that such a thing as Impetus Sand exists . But it won 't be him , not really . His wife will call him the same man , his kids will call him Daddy , but he 'll just be a construct . Of course , pains are being taken to ensure that they can 't find where I am . There are umpteen different proxies and redirects surrounding my IP address , which changes every day . That 's one of the reasons I wanted to work with nuviews . org , but , it appears that they 've managed to infiltrate their offices somehow . I 'm going to be speaking with the CEO at nuviews . org to ensure that this sort of thing can be prevented in the future . I 'm also going to refrain from posting links in my blogs from now on . If I have something to share , I 'm now only going to do it through private messages . This way I will also be able to ensure that people who are clicking on my links are actually interested and reading what 's there . I had an interesting conversation with my brother - in - law today . He likes a good conspiracy theory himself , or at least , he used to . Today he seemed different . More withdrawn . I brought up my old post on the Orpheus Device , which , as some of you may remember , casts a field over you so that literally you are a walking radio to them . You don 't have to use a cell phone or speak in a place where there 's technology around . All you have to do is just speak . Of course , I have screens up around my house which filter sound and add white noise to anything they here , so we were safe to talk , but he still acted like he didn 't want to talk about it . In fact , he is far from the first person that 's started reacting strangely when I talk about my latest online discoveries . Yesterday my neighbor gave me the strangest look when I mentioned Wikipedia , as if she 'd never heard of it . Hmm . It is becoming increasingly clear to me that my friends and family have been gotten to . I don 't think all of them have been replaced with constructs , though I know a few have . This is a mild concern , because it makes me feel like they 're closing in on my location . My wife started acting abnormally when she switched to a new moisturizer . I don 't know how many times I warned her to never do that , in fact to pretty much only use what hygiene products you have to , and even then to make sure you buy them from places like the Dollar Store or other places that it 's unfashionable to shop in . Nanoseeds are in everything , these days . The more you use it , the more you likely have in you , altering the way you think , getting you to suppress the desire to think too much about what you hear , what you read . I 'm sure I have some Nanoseeds in me ; it 's unavoidable . I tried for a few months boiling and refrigerating jugs of tap water and only drinking that , but I kept running out of the boiled stuff and needing to drink something , so I 'd break down and have a glass of water straight from the tap . I do my best to counter - act whatever Nanoseeds I might have by relentlessly fighting against any urge I might have to just forget about this stuff for a while and enjoy life . In fact , even today I find myself just plain tired of having to worry about everything like this . I find myself wanting to just say " screw it " , take down my screens , cancel my blog and just live like the other sheep live . After all , would it be so bad ? I know it would improve my marriage , would improve my relations with others in my neighborhood . In fact , I think those Nanoseeds are starting to convince people that the things I blog about , even the stuff that other websites acknowledge as true , don 't actually exist . My wife blew up on me the other day during an argument , telling me that there is no such thing as newsmax . com . She honestly believes that no such website exists . I offered to fire up my laptop and show her , and she just yelled " There you go with that laptop bullshit again ! " She didn 't even want to look . My brother - in - law won 't even speak to me anymore . He might actually be a construct now , but if he were , wouldn 't he be trying to influence me away from my so - called delusions instead of breaking off contact ? No , I don 't think they 've gotten to him . I think he 's just becoming more afraid of what they can do . Lately , though , I 'm not so sure but what nuviews . org hasn 't been bought . I was recently warned about my content . My content hasn 't changed in five years , so I don 't know why they 'd hire me if they think they can make me say different things from what I believe . I 'm not going to back down . It 's important for people to know this stuff . There are so few of us who have discovered the truth , so many who would rather just swallow whatever pablum they 're given and go along to get along . I thought nuviews . org would help me to spread the word . Now I 'm starting to wonder if they 're not part of the problem . This will be my last post on nuviews . org . A representative of theirs called me today . He didn 't even have to tell me ; I could hear it in his voice . He was a construct . Tell me something , people . You can see my posts , right ? You have computers , right ? You surf the net , right ? I ask because today my wife told me today that she was through with my delusions , that she was taking me to see someone , that she would prove to me once and for all that this silly thing called the " internet " was not real and that in fact , " computers " are giant machines that only the government and prestigious universities can use , so the idea of a laptop was absurd . She told me that my laptop is only a briefcase . It 's happening . They 're unpersoning me . First they got me questioning myself on the bigger stuff , wondering if Nanoseeds , Impetus Sand or Orpheus Devices even exist , and now making me question even if I have readers , a blog , or so much as a computer . I refuse to allow myself to question it . My wife is the delusional one , not me . She 's the one who let more Nanoseeds get inside her thanks to that new moisturizer brand . It 's not going to work . They 're not going to unperson me . - CaffeineHead Out of nowhere I got an email from my brother - in - law . He wants to meet with me . He wants to discuss a few things he 's learned and make sure I can defend myself . He apologized for disappearing , but explained that he realized he was being followed around on a daily basis by men who were doing their best to look innocuous but were always there , every time he examined his surroundings . I hope this isn 't a trick . I 'm going to meet with him today but I am truly afraid that this isn 't what it seems . If all goes well , I 'll blog about it later . " It 's so strange , Dr . Winthrop . My husband was a normal man until five and a half years ago , and then he started talking about strange things like laptops , and blogs and this Internet or Interweb thingy . He would spend hours at a time just staring at an open briefcase , as though there were people in there talking to him . " " Not talking to him , Mrs . Lyman . Reading what he supposedly wrote and replying . We 've seen this delusion in others , a sort of mass psychosis which affects only about one out of a hundred people , but the delusion they share is so real to them that when they discuss it with each other , you could almost believe they 're talking about something real . Of course , in most cases , it 's harmless . They just think they 're getting the latest updates on their favorite singers , or actors . They think they 're sharing photos or brief statements with each other . But in other cases , such as your husband 's , the delusion turns paranoid . But rest assured , your husband will get the treatment he needs . " Orton managed to work around Lyman 's efforts to alert Linda , Orton 's sister and Lyman 's wife , of our existence . Her Nanoseeds have convinced her that she has delivered her husband into psychiatric care , and that the internet , even laptops , do not exist . It may be necessary to program all Nanoseeds to believe this within the next five years , as more and more websites like nuviews . org are springing up . I recommend once again cutting off the source of such sites rather than simply taking over each site as we discover them . Linda Lyman is the 1 , 395 , 983th individual we have had to reprogram to believe that the Internet does not exist . Eventually one of them will say the wrong thing and alert more people to our presence . Posted by But I had tried doing the companionship thing , and it never seemed to be for me . I had a girlfriend for two years , but she left me because I rarely wanted to go out with her friends , preferring to stay home , just the two of us . The feeling that was most prominent after she left was relief . I also tried hanging out with a group of people I met online . As in , hanging out with them in the real world . I did this because my ex - girlfriend told me I needed to get out more , to meet people , to come out of my shell . I realized after hanging out with them that I liked my shell better . Again , it 's not that I didn 't like them . I 'm just not a hang - out kind of person . I 'm not an Asperger 's patient or anything . I can have conversations , I can be friendly . I 've stopped to help strangers on the side of the road who were having car trouble . I 've helped people move who I barely knew . I 've donated blood just because I could . I 've volunteered at a homeless shelter . It 's just a matter of preferring to stay in on a Friday night with a good book , when having a group of friends would mean I 'd feel obligated to go out instead . I woke up , and the first thing I noticed was that the power was out . I live in an older building just south of downtown . The kind of place where the carpet in the halls is stained all over with god - knows - what , the paint on the walls is chipped and peeling , in many places the ceiling is just a collection of exposed pipes , the elevators make odd noises like they 're straining on even the lightest load , and the whole place carries the heady bouquet of booze , cigarettes and weed . The power 's gone out before . The last time it happened , it didn 't come back on for two days . I had just gone grocery shopping the day before . Sucks having to throw out stuff you just bought . So , when I woke , my first feeling was irritation . " They had better not take forever getting it back on this time , " I muttered . Now , where you live , the power probably mostly goes out only after a storm , fire or heavy snowfall . In my building , with wiring that was probably installed during the Ford administration and hadn 't really been upgraded since , the power could go out at any time of the year , and needed no outside catalyst to do so . So it never crossed my mind to wonder why , on a wet - but - not - stormy day in April , the power would go out like this . My alarm clock was dead , of course , so I checked the time on my phone . I swore and leaped into the shower , not caring that the water was ice cold , and that I couldn 't see my hand in front of my face . Even if I walked out the door this very minute , I was going to be an hour late for work . I hate being late . I usually try to be at least fifteen minutes early . It 's a weird side - effect of introverts that we 're usually pretty anal retentive about being on time . Now , this is probably when I first felt it ; that sense of unease . I did my best to ignore it , because I wasn 't a child anymore , and feelings like that are just your mind running away on you . But it was hard to ignore , and not just because of the total darkness of the stairwell . It was because I realized at that point that I had not seen another human being that entire morning . This , by itself , was not an alarming thing . I had often made it to the elevator before without seeing another person . However , while descending into the dark , holding my phone before me , LED light shining , I realized a couple of things that seemed out of place . First , I heard no noise coming from behind any of the other apartments ' doors , which I should have considering the air was off . Second , I was late . I usually left for work before the rush , but today I was leaving at the same time that a lot of other people should be . On an ordinary day , maybe some of them took the elevator and few took the stairs , but today , they all should be on the stairs with me . When I got to the ground floor , things got even stranger . When I had first opened my windows , I had failed to notice just how still the morning was . But I noticed now . The only cars on the street were parked . Not another soul was in sight . The businesses at street level didn 't appear open or closed ; they were just dark and empty . I swallowed the lump of fear that was rising in my throat and told myself that there had to be a good reason for this . But my mind was refusing to accept that . It was 8 : 30 AM on a Tuesday . The streets should be deluged with cars , the sidewalks filled up with people . There should be noise , there should be life . But the only sound was the light wind that wailed between buildings . One ring . Two . Three . Several more . Then voice mail . My boss 's bored voice saying " please leave a message " was the first voice other than my own that I had heard all morning . I opened up a browser and started checking local news . But there wasn 't anything new since yesterday . In fact , my connection was sluggish and eventually dropped out completely . I tried calling a co - worker , the only co - worker whose number I had . He had been the one to offer it to me . Others were always trying to reach out . That wasn 't something I did . He didn 't answer either . I began to wonder if the power outage was affecting the cell towers in the area . Could the power really be out for that wide an area ? I went back to the stairs , phone LED light on again , and began climbing . My apartment was on the eighth floor . I 'm not in the best of shape , and my legs were starting to ache by the third flight . It was the fourth flight , though , when the light on my phone began to fade and then went out completely . " No , no , no ! " I whispered . I thumbed the home button . I then remembered that the phone had not charged during the night as it normally would have . There would have been just enough power left for the one phone call and momentary surfing , plus these trips with the light on . I must have ignored the low power warning , and now it was too late . The phone was a paperweight . " Piece of shit , " I muttered . Somehow I already knew to keep my voice to a whisper . I put the phone back in its clip and stood on the stairs for a moment , calming down . You 'd think I would be glad to know that another person was still around . You 'd think that after noticing how empty my world was all of a sudden , that I 'd be relieved to know that I was not alone . And for a moment , I tried to tell myself that I was . The footsteps were slow , inexorable . They echoed through the darkness like the slow drumbeat before a death march . They were somewhat soft , at first , though I could tell the feet that made their tread was heavy . But they were getting nearer . From their sound , they were less than two flights below me . I didn 't think . I bolted up the stairs . I paused at the top of every flight to listen . They kept coming . I thought of calling out , but every instinct said that would be foolish . I tried telling myself it was just my misanthropy rearing its ugly head again , but this feeling wasn 't a mere wish to be by myself for a while . Every sense I had told me that in this unnatural stillness , this unthinkable emptiness , that nothing should be moving . I had not heard so much as the bark of a dog from within this building . But something else was here besides me . I knew , at the core of my being , that it wasn 't supposed to be there . I reached my floor and headed out into the hallway . I paused at the door after pulling it closed and listened . Those footsteps continued , not even having increased their pace . They sounded much closer . The hallway was empty , as I knew it would be . I pulled myself away from the door and listened . My own heartbeat , hammering in my ears , and my heavy breathing were the only sounds I heard . There was a window at the end of the hallway , letting in dim grey light , but it was still hard to see . I began walking left . The hallway had an intersection up ahead . I turned right , the direction of my apartment , and kept walking . Behind me , I heard the door to the stairwell open . The footsteps , still slow but unrelenting , started down the hallway . I waited . Maybe they had turned in the other direction . But no , they were getting louder . Coming toward me . I turned and walked quickly in the direction of my apartment . I didn 't run . If I ran , I would make more noise . I tried to keep my breathing quiet as well . I reached my apartment , but still heard those footsteps behind me . At any moment their owner would turn the corner . I reached for my keys , but a new thought struck me . The footsteps sounded close enough that this . . . person . . . could turn the corner just as I was closing the door . Then my one safe hiding place would be exposed . Thinking quickly , I turned and ran as quietly as I could in the same direction as before , heading for the other stairwell on this floor . And then I began to feel a little silly . After all , why was I so convinced that this person was pursuing me ? I was the only person I had seen today , but that was the unnatural thing , not the sudden appearance of another person . Somehow , some incident , a disaster or abduction or rapture , or whatever , had emptied my neighborhood , but left me behind , and if I was still here , why would I assume that no one else was ? This person could just be someone else who lived on the eighth floor , likely just as confused and terrified as I was . I shook my head and laughed at myself , but I stuck with my plan . I circled around the building , headed for the other stairwell . Reaching it , I began to climb up . . . I instantly flew back down the stairs and back into the hallway , running full tilt for the very stairs I had just come down , bolting back up them . I cautiously opened the door back on my floor , listening . No steps as of yet . All thoughts of the footsteps belonging to another confused , frightened person had left my mind . Those heavy treads did not belong to a person who was in the same situation as me . They did not sound frightened , or confused . They were purposeful . A purpose that I knew could not be good . This time , I reached my apartment and managed to get inside . I locked the door , the deadbolt , and secured the chain on the door . I stood there for a second , feeling like that wasn 't enough , and finally put a chair under the knob . Then I went into the living room and huddled against the large window . For a very long time , nothing happened . And then I heard them again . There was no doubt in my mind now that the footsteps were coming for me . They trod , persistently , inescapably closer , starting to slow further as they reached my apartment door . They stopped . Just on the other side of my door , something waited , possibly listening for me , but knowing beyond a doubt that I was inside . I thought I could smell something from the hall . Something that smelled . . . hot . That 's the only way I can describe it . It smelled hot . I waited . It waited . The silence was palpable . I felt that the air between us had solidified , waiting , as the world did , for the inevitable . My doorknob rattled . First a little , then vigorously . I sat there , numb , my breath coming in short gasps , my heart beating so fast it felt like a continuous pressure in my chest . Finally the rattling stopped . I slowly pulled myself away from the window and fired up my laptop . Unlike my phone , it had not been on all night and the battery was still fully charged . I don 't know if anyone is still out there to read this . I don 't even know how long the internet will continue to work . I never needed people before today , but I sure need them now . Being a misanthrope has its oddities , but no situation I 've been in has been more odd than this . He lived far from where his three children had settled . Grandma died when I was a small child , and he ended up remarrying another woman a few years later who demanded that he move out west so that she could be nearer to her sons . She was a piece of work , was Grandma Hester . We all wondered how Grandpa could stand her . It turns out that perhaps he could not . We 're not precisely sure when he developed dementia , but it was probably years before we noticed it . He 'd tell us about people he was speaking to , or visiting with , or a trip he took . Years later , after we learned he was suffering from dementia , we 'd learn that conversation , that visit or that trip never actually happened . For all we really know , any story he told us from the last decade and a half leading up to his coming back east could be a false memory . We would have no way of knowing . Hester rarely communicated with us herself . Probably our first clue that Grandpa wasn 't himself anymore happened a few weeks after he came back east to live with my parents . Most of the family had settled in one area ; my wife and I lived in the south end of our city , as did one set of cousins , but my father and his two sisters all lived in the north , within driving distance of each other . A few of my aunts ' children had moved out of town , and my brother had as well , but there were still enough of us around that Grandpa could visit with . We would often have gatherings at my parents ' house where Grandpa would either hold court with some story or would go to sleep . Later that same month , he told my aunts and uncles the story of how he came out east after living with Hester got to be too much . " I prayed to the Lord , " said Grandpa . " And the next thing I knew , Martin was there . " Martin was my father . I remembered him driving out to the tiny , cold house on a hill in Colorado to get Grandpa . He had not come due to any divine intervention . He had come because Grandpa called him in the night and pleaded with him to come get him . We all loved Grandpa , but caring for him was not easy . For one thing , Grandpa had gotten it into his head that he was a young , single man with many years ahead of him , and the only thing missing was a young woman at his side . If he spoke for any length of time with a younger woman , he became convinced that she was in love with him , and that perhaps she should be his new bride . Hester was even still alive at this point . He had forgotten her utterly . Dad and Mom didn 't let him go on walks by himself , but that didn 't mean he didn 't sneak away sometimes when Dad was away and Mom was in the basement . He had to use a walker to get around , and simply couldn 't do stairs , but refused to admit this to anyone , including himself , leading to a lot of falls . He would also get confused as to where he was , or where he lived . At times , during his walks , he would attempt to find the old family home that he raised my father and aunts in , despite it having been long gone since before I was born . Dad picked him up from a police station , where he had been taken after some patrol officers saw him wandering around , clearly lost . The time he tried to drive Dad 's car was after that . He decided that the reason he got lost is because he had to walk . He managed to get the E - break off and rolled right down the fairly steep incline outside my parents ' house , crashing into a fence . The damage was minimal , but after that incident , my parents realized he needed to be in a full time care facility . My father visited him three times a week . I have no idea how often my aunts went , or if they even did . I tended to only go when there was a family gathering , and increasingly I began to realize that he had no clue who I was . He 'd smile and greet me as though I was someone he had just met . He 'd tell me about his children , describing them as " little kids " , and even going as far as to invent a friend who was looking after them while he was in this home with " all these old people . " Grandpa was 93 at the time . He was much older than many of the others who lived there . But somehow , they were the " old people " , while he was not . But he had never been violent before . That changed one night when Dad was called to come to the facility quickly . Grandpa had wandered into the wrong room , and had come out screaming , raising his walker up in the air and slamming it into the ground , taking a few swings at people who tried to calm him down . He began accusing the staff of stealing his things . He was bellowing as loud as he could : " Give them back ! Give them back ! " When Dad got there , they had gotten him into his room , and he was somewhat appeased . Somewhat . He had a can of Ensure in a tube sock , and almost hit my father in the head with it when he came in . He apologized ( Dad was one of the few people he always recognized ) , and said he had been waiting for " the thief " to come back . " A man who 'd steal from me 'd just as soon kill me , " he explained . The Ensure - in - a - sock was his weapon to fend off the thief . He told Dad about the men who had come to give him all his things back . " They put it all back , just like it was , " he said . " Didn 't take ' em long . " Later that night , he told Dad about how much it had scared Florence . He hated that she 'd had to go through that . Florence was my grandmother ; the one who died when I was six . He finished by saying that Florence had gone somewhere , and when he went looking for her : " They told me she was dead . One day , they 're gonna come looking for me , and they 're gonna find me dead . " That was a jolt to my father . Grandpa had never , at any point before that , acknowledged his mortality , his advanced age , or the fact that he had probably no more than a handful of years left at best . Aging , and death , was something that happened to other people . But here he was , accepting that death was near . That wasn 't the last night he mentioned the thief . He even gave the thief a name ; Charlie Rosen . It was strange that he would invent a whole person , name included . He didn 't even name the friend who was looking after his kids . In fact , that person ceased to exist ; Charlie Rosen had stolen his kids . Had killed Florence . Had come to his home in Colorado and routinely taunted him , beat him , and he even declared that Hester had been sleeping with him . He remembered her now , and was certain that she and Charlie were ganging up on him to make his life a living hell . In the last six months of his life , he would become increasingly agitated . Dad could not have a single visit wherein Grandpa would not mention Charlie . And then the violence started up again . In one visit , Grandpa accused Dad of being Charlie , and attacked him . After that , Dad 's visits dropped to once a week , and he didn 't stay long . Once , I went with him . It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive , and I will never forget it . " Charlie was here again today , " Grandpa told us as soon as we arrived . " He told me I couldn 't leave this room anymore . He 's trapped me here . " " Dad , this is where you live , " my father tried to explain . " See , here 's a picture of Mother . Why would Charlie let you keep that ? " " Mother had an aneurysm , " said Dad . " You and I decided together to unplug the machine . She died in her sleep , but no one killed her . " " No , no , it was Charlie . " Grandpa 's voice was not agitated . It was solid , like he knew for a fact what he was saying . " He poisoned her . Made something go wrong in her head . I didn 't know it then , but I realized it later , after he introduced me to Hester . Conned me into marrying her . He 's my personal demon , that Charlie . " Dad finally had had enough . " There is no Charlie ! " he said , nearly shouting . You aren 't supposed to correct people who have dementia ; it just confuses them more and makes them upset . But my father forgot this in that moment . " Charlie is someone you made up ! Mother died naturally , you met Hester at a coffee shop years after Mother died , and while she was not a nice woman , she was not unfaithful to you ! Please , stop talking about Charlie ! " " Dear Lord in Heaven , " said Grandpa . " He got to you . He told you to say these things . You 're part of it too ! " " I don 't want to play any fucking checkers ! " screamed Grandpa . I couldn 't have been more surprised if he 'd hit me . Grandpa had never used profanity in his life . " By - words " , as he called them , were only used by bad men , as far as he was concerned . " Not with you ! Not with him ! Charlie Rosen 's pet demons ! He comes to me every day . He talks to me about Florence . He taunts me . He reads my mind and he takes thoughts away and puts in new ones , worse ones . He tells me about how he rapes my little ones . How he and Hester keep them half - starved and chained in their basement . I can 't stop him ! He can go inside my mind ! He 's controlling me ! " We left after that , without saying goodbye . Driving home , I almost wanted to cry . This kind , loving man was ending his days as a raving , violent lunatic . It wasn 't right . It wasn 't fair . What kind of monster was this Charlie ? That thought stopped me cold . For an instant , I had accepted that Charlie was real . Giving my head a shake , I resolved to think about something else . But an image of Charlie had been forming in my mind , beginning a few months back , when Grandpa had first started talking about him . I only now realized that when Grandpa spoke of this demonic man , I was picturing him in my mind , and I could see him as clearly as I could memories of real people . I thought of the last time I had visited Grandpa in that tiny house in the mountains of Colorado , when I was a teenager , sitting at that little round table while Hester served us some of her inedible glop , and I would see a man standing in the corner of the kitchen , watching us eat . A tall , gangly man with leathery skin stretched over sharp - looking bone and corded muscle . Shaggy grey hair hanging down , obscuring the upper part of his face , his smile stretching like a knife - slash across his jaw . I thought of the wedding . I was twelve years old . I met Hester for the first time . And standing a ways behind her was that same man . I remember a family gathering at the facility Grandpa was concurrently staying at . Didn 't we pass that man in the hall once ? No , of course not . These were just images my mind had cooked up the more Grandpa talked about this shady character that never existed . The brain can do that ; insert false people in your memory just because you decide , subconsciously , to remember them . It doesn 't mean you 're insane ; it 's just another way for your brain to play tricks on you . Grandpa had invented a person who he talked about with such conviction , as though Charlie was real . So my mind had conjured up a Charlie Rosen . But there was no Charlie Rosen . Everything was normal at the start . My parents , my aunts and uncles , my wife and I , and our children , my brother and his wife , and their son , my cousins , their spouses and their children , we all gathered under the same roof for the first time in years . No one was missing . No one was out of town and couldn 't make it . Two of my cousins I hadn 't seen since they were children . It was nice to catch up with them . The service was nice , as well . The pastor who served the spiritual needs at Grandpa 's facility was the officiator . Grandpa looked calm and peaceful , whole , so unlike what he had been in the last few months of life . I started to feel calm myself ; Grandpa was where he belonged now , where the devils of his own fevered , decaying brain couldn 't get to him anymore . And then we drove to the cemetery . The coffin was lowered . We all sprinkled a handful of dirt on the coffin and began our walk back to the cars . And then the gravedigger came out of the shadows to start shoveling the rest of the dirt . I could barely read the embroidered name tag on his coveralls . It looked like " C . Rose " or " C . Risen " . Or . . . no . It couldn 't be . He was tall , gangly , with leathery skin , sharp - looking bones , corded muscle , long grey hair . And that smile . That smile that haunts my nightmares to this day . Today , I felt like I had to write all this down . To make sure I remember it all , before things get worse . Because today , my father called me to complain that Charlie was driving past his house and staring in his windows . I 'm very worried about my son . More than worried , at this point . Terrified . His behavior these past few weeks is not normal , not healthy . It makes me think there 's something wrong . At first , he would just come and stand at the door way . He did this at night , just before I 'd be ready to fall asleep . I 'd roll over to turn off the lamp , and he 'd be standing there , in the doorway . I used to try to speak to him . I don 't do that anymore . He never has answered me . He just stares . A couple of days ago , he graduated from standing in the doorway to coming in and sitting on the bed . He still doesn 't speak . I have asked him what he wants . I 've asked him if anything is bothering him . It 's not like him to be so quiet . He usually waits until my wife is asleep . That 's the part that gets me . She always falls asleep before me , and he has never come in when she 's awake . But then , she didn 't have a hand in this . If something doesn 't change soon , I don 't know what I 'm gonna do . I 'm starting to feel like he knows that I 'm the one who killed him . |
Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Disciplinary spanking of an adult by a parent - dubious consent . Disciplinary spanking of an adult by a romantic partner - dubious consent . Chris was busy tracking a demon in the underworld , when he heard Phoebe call his name . He wanted to ignore it , knowing that if he lost sight of this demon he would be almost impossible to find again , but also knowing that ignoring the call wouldn 't go over well with his aunts or his parents . It had been a month and a half since the Spider Demon incident , and a month and a half of Leo being with Chris almost every minute of the day . Chris had been forced to modify his usual behavior to match Leo 's guidelines or suffer the consequences if he didn 't . Chris had finally convinced Leo to let him do some jobs on his own just three days ago , and he really didn 't want that to change , so he sighed and orbed home . He found Paige , Phoebe , and Leo all in the attic together . He said , " Yeah ? " Chris gave his father a look of annoyance and said with a good dose of attitude , " Yeah Leo , I got it . Can I go ? " Leo didn 't look pleased but nodded . Chris orbed . Phoebe turned to Leo and said with a smile , " Ever notice he calls you Leo when he 's irritated , but he calls you Dad when he 's hurt or needs something ? " Phoebe could tell it was more of a sensitive topic then she had realized and looked over at Paige . She said , " You look tired sweetie , why don 't you rest for a while . Leo , Chris and I can handle it . " Phoebe put a hand on her younger sister 's shoulder and gently pushed her towards the door as she said , " With Piper at magic school and me without my powers , you 've been doing all the hard work for over a month now . Go lie down for a while . I 'll let you know if something comes up . " Paige went to her room , shut the door behind her , and looked around guiltily for a few seconds . Then she set up some candles , did a spell , and her very own Mr . Right appeared in front of her . She smiled at him , and he smiled back . He held out his hand , and when she put her hand in his he led her to the bed . # # # Chris orbed back into the attic half an hour after he left . He found Leo and Phoebe still working on theories as to who the mystery demon was . Leo asked Chris , " Did you find something ? " Chris shook his head , " That 's not all . I found out that they 've recently been turning down jobs . No one is sure who they 're working for now , but they 're all working for one demon , and the rumor is that they have vanquishing potions for the Charmed Ones . " Phoebe shook her head and said , " What ? That doesn 't make any sense at all . We 're not demons , we can 't be vanquished . " Leo said , " Well that 's not entirely true Phoebe . Witches can be sent to the same hell as the demons we vanquish . The difference is that it 's not your body that goes there , just your soul . Demons don 't have souls , so their bodies go there when we vanquish them . " Chris said , " The only way it could be possible is if there was a demon close to us . They would need personal knowledge about each of you , and they would have to have something of yours to make the potion with . I just don 't see how it could be true . " Phoebe shook her head , " No way . Leo , you go tell Piper what 's going on , and have her stay there . Chris , you and I are gonna wake up Paige so the three of us can go to the underworld and find out what 's going on . " Mr . Right waved his hand and a bed tray with a variety of lunch items on it appeared . He said , " First you eat . If you don 't take care of yourself , you won 't be any good for your sisters . " " I can do everything you want me to do . You made me to fill your every neglected need Paige , and you gave me all the same memories you have so that I know instinctually what you need , even when you aren 't willing to admit it to yourself . And right now you need someone to make sure you don 't run yourself into the ground from lack of sleep and food . " He sat on the bed next to her and shook his head ; " I don 't need to eat . I 'm not real . But I can eat if you 'd like company . " Paige nodded so he took the sandwich from her and took a bite . When they were almost done eating there was a knock on her door . Paige gestured for Mr . Right to get down behind the bed and he took the tray with him . Once he was out of sight Paige said , " Yeah ? " Chris , Phoebe , and Paige spent the next half an hour in the underworld , finding the hideout for the Demon Atrix 's . They were able to hid behind a large bolder and see the demons coming and going . After ten minutes of watching Chris said , " We haven 't seen the leader yet , but I don 't think we can risk going in there until we know more about them , and get some kind of vanquish . " Phoebe glared at him and then back at one of the demons that just came out . Paige smiled and said , " He does have a point Phoebe . You would fit in . You 're tiny , pretty , and when you were a genie I thought you looked good as a blond . " Paige took Phoebe 's hand and orbed them back to the manor . Chris watched for another three minutes , and saw a dark haired male come out of the entrance with a Demon Atrix holding onto his arm . She said , " Why a Porsche ? " They orbed together . Chris looked at the spot they left for a few seconds thinking it was odd to see a demon who orbed with blue lights . Usually demons orbed with black specks or they shimmered in and out . He muttered to himself , " A witch gone bad ? " Chris decided to come out of hiding . He walked up to the two of them and said , " A demon not hurting innocents ? There 's a new one . " A throwing star appeared in the male 's hand and before Chris could react the male tossed it . But just as Chris was going to orb to avoid it , he realized it hadn 't been thrown at him . He heard the Demon Atrix who was standing behind him yell as she burst into flames . Chris looked back at the male with confusion , and the male said , " Are you supposed to be going after me on your own ? " Chris couldn 't understand what was going on . The male put the car in gear and drove off . Chris looked around , picked up the throwing star that was on the ground where the Demon Atrix used to be , and then got in the Porsche that was closest to him . The key wasn 't in it , but Chris waved his hand and turned it on magically . He sped off after the male . They went a few blocks breaking speed limits until the male saw Chris in his rear view mirror . The male cursed , pulled the Porsche to a stop , and orbed away . Chris was pulling over too , but then saw flashing lights in his rear view mirror . He said , " Great . " It didn 't take long for Phoebe and Paige to make Phoebe look like one of the Demon Atrix , but when they orbed back to the underworld and didn 't see Chris , they were confused . They waited for a few minutes and then orbed back home . They scryed for Chris , and found him downtown . Paige said , " What the hell is he doing downtown ? " Phoebe and Paige exchanged a look but then let him talk . " I saw what I thought was a male demon with one of the Demon Atrix 's , but then when he orbed it was blue , so I think he 's a witch . Then I . " Phoebe and Paige exchanged another look , and Phoebe crossed her arms in obvious disapproval of what Chris was telling them . " So I followed them topside and they went to a car dealership of all places . The guy was going to steal a Porsche , and when the dealer went to stop him , the Demon Atrix tried to hurt him , but the guy saved him . I heard him saying that he had told her more than once that they didn 't hurt innocents . " Chris held up the throwing star and said , " Not only did he not hurt me , he actually killed the Demon Atrix saying it was because she might hurt me . It was really odd . He seemed to know me . " Chris looked away and mumbled , " Oh yeah . The guy kind of stole a car , and I kind of took one too to chase him . He orbed away at the last minute , but I got caught by the police , and they arrested me for trying to steal a car . " Leo nodded and said , " You shouldn 't have gone after the guy by yourself , but you kept yourself hidden until you heard that he didn 't hurt innocents . I think that 's fairly reasonable . Next time you call me first though . You got it ? " The three of them ran to Paige 's room and Leo was first to burst through the door . They were all stunned to see Paige kissing some half dressed man on her bed . Phoebe said , " Paige ? " Leo and Chris followed Phoebe , and a few seconds later Paige and Mr . Right came down as well . Phoebe was in a huff and said , " I can 't believe you Paige . About a month ago I lost my powers because of misusing them , and I 've told you time and time again about personal gain . What the hell were you thinking ? " Chris held up his hand and said , " Wait a minute , I think you guys are forgetting that we have more pressing issues here . This Mr . Right is the same guy who drove off in that Porsche today . Do you remember me ? " Leo expounded , " Because you created Mr . Right for your own personal gain , there is most likely going to be a consequence . If you put all your good thoughts into this one , then every time he appeared it 's highly likely a ' Mr . Wrong ' appeared somewhere else at the same time . This Mr . Wrong would also know everything you know , but he would be focusing on all your negative energy instead of your positive energy . " Paige shook her head . " I am so sick and tired of all this personal gain crap . We give and give to magic , and it never gives back . " At that point the doorbell rang . Phoebe answered it and found Darryl on the other side . He held up a warrant and said , " I have a warrant for the arrest of Christopher Halliwell . " Darryl glared at Leo and said , " He stole a car Leo . I told you guys I wasn 't going to help you anymore . Chris asked me to help . I never agreed . " Chris nodded and went with Darryl . Once they were gone Leo looked at Phoebe and Paige and said , " I 've got to go tell Piper what 's going on , or she 's gonna kill me . You two brain storm and think of a way to vanquish Mr . Wrong . " Leo said , " I need you to do a spell for me . Chris needs some identification , so that he can get out of jail . Can you create a drivers license and social security card for him ? " Piper looked a little surprised and Leo shrugged . " He 's my son . I 'm not going to let him spend time in prison when he didn 't do anything morally wrong . " Piper put a hand on his face and made him look at her . " You will be . Go deal with the car salesman , and I 'll have the identification ready for Chris when you come back . " Darryl looked down obviously feeling bad about all of it , and turned around to look out his window . While his back was turned Leo put a small pinch of white powder and put it on Darryl 's head . Darryl turned around and said , " What were we talking about Leo ? " Darryl nodded and said , " That 's right , I 'll let him out as soon as I get done with the paperwork . I 'm really sorry I had to be the bad guy on this one Leo , but you understand that I have a commitment to my family right ? " Leo looked down feeling bad about it and said , " Yes I understand better then you know . Do you think I could see Chris ? " Darryl showed him to the back and then went to fill out paperwork . Leo held onto the bars and saw Chris sitting on the bottom bunk of a cell looking worn out . Leo said , " Chris ? " Leo reached out for Chris with a hand through the bars , and Chris stepped up so Leo could put a hand on his shoulder . Leo said , " I 'd do anything to protect you Chris . I love you . " As Leo walked out of the police station he heard Phoebe in his head calling for him . He walked around the side of the building and orbed . Phoebe was in an ally on the other side of town , and when Leo got there Phoebe said , " We 've got a problem . " Leo held out his hand and orbed both him and Phoebe back to the manor . Mr . Right was waiting there in the attic . He said with worry , " Where 's Paige ? " Phoebe said , " We tried the vanquishing potion that we made with your blood , but it didn 't work . He said something about it wasn 't time yet . Then all he did was touch Paige and look her in the eye , and she went with him ! She didn 't even turn around when I yelled at her . Is she under some kind of spell do you think ? " Mr . Right shook his head . " Paige has a dark side . Darker then any of you suspect . She hates having to hide her magic . And the both of us have enough pheromones to kill a small elephant , so I 'm sure she is just enamored with him right now . " Leo nodded and then orbed him and Phoebe to magic school . Phoebe , Piper , and Leo all orbed to the underworld leaving Wyatt in the school 's daycare . They quickly found Paige and Mr . Wrong talking about all the things they wanted to do when they were free to use magic out in the open with no fear of personal gain . Piper cleared her throat and they saw her . Piper said , " Paige , I don 't know what you think you 're doing , but you need to come home with us . Using your magic in the open is never going to be okay with me , Phoebe , Leo , or Mom and Grams . " Paige glared at her and said , " I hate you acting like you 're my mom or something ! I never even got to know Mom or Grams , so why should I care what they think ! I love my magic , and I want to be able to use it when I want for what I want . To hell with the rest of you . " Paige orbed a small rock towards Phoebe 's head . " Don 't tell me it isn 't me ! You don 't know how I feel ! Always so bossy , and you 're only a few years older then me ! " Paige turned on him and said , " And you ! Always telling us what we should be doing , while you sit back and do nothing on your own . No wonder your children turn out all wrong ! " Piper flicked her hands at Mr . Wrong and he exploded all over the floor . Paige stood there for a second with her mouth open , and then a feeling washed over her , and she realized she had been under Mr . Wrong 's influence . She looked over at Piper , Phoebe , and Leo and said , " Oh God . I 'm so sorry . " Paige put a hand over her mouth and started to cry . Piper went and gave her a hug and said , " It 's gonna be okay . Let 's go home . " # # # Later that night , Chris came home to lots of hugs and reassurances that he was safe . He took Piper home and then came home himself to help Leo set up Mr . Right with a new life . After Leo spent some time with Mr . Right talking about what would happen to him now that he was basically a new witch and a new person , he told Mr . Right to say good bye to Paige . Paige was sitting by herself in the living room thinking about what had happened . Mr . Right came in and Paige stood up . They smiled at each other and Paige said , " So are you all set ? " They walked together to the kitchen but stopped in the entryway when they heard Chris and Leo talking . Leo said , " I don 't even see why you 're bringing this up . You 're not in trouble for anything that you did today . " " I 'm bringing it up , because I 'm trying to get you to see how ridiculous the whole thing is . I 'm twenty - two , and she 's twenty - five . She 's not even three whole years older then me . She has spent weeks using magic for her own personal gain . She lied to all of us repeatedly about taking ' naps ' . She manipulated us into believing she was fine with the way things were when she obviously needed help . And still you all trust her to be an adult and see the error of her way without a spanking . All I 'm saying is it 's kind of hypocritical . If you 're not going to come down on her for doing the same exact things , then you shouldn 't come down on me either . " Leo sighed and tried to put it into words . Before he could come up with something Vincent made Chris and Leo aware of their presence by clearing his throat . Leo and Chris turned to see them and Chris turned red as he asked , " How long were you standing there ? " Leo nodded and the two of them walked out of the room for a few seconds . Chris and Paige shared a very uncomfortable silence for two minutes before Leo and Vincent came back . Vincent walked over to Paige and nodded at Leo . Leo held out his hand and blue specks came out of Paige 's chest and into Leo 's hand . Chris looked back and forth between Leo and Paige and said , " What 's going on ? " Paige shook her head and tried to take a step back , but Vincent held her tight . He said , " I know you Paige . You made me to fill your every neglected need remember ? Come upstairs with me . You know it 's the right thing to do , even if you don 't want to . " Paige looked over at Leo for a second and then looked back at Vincent . She looked back down and gave a slight nod as she followed him up the stairs . Chris stood there in shock shaking his head . When Paige and Vincent were out of eyesight he said , " This is not what I meant Dad , and you know it . The point I was trying to make is that you shouldn 't spank me , not that someone should spank Paige . We 're both adults ! " Chris orbed away , not wanting to be anywhere near what was going to happen , even if he couldn 't get away from sensing her pain as her whitelighter no matter how far away he got . He was on top of the Golden Gate Bridge when he sensed her pain , and his whole body tensed up thinking it was all wrong . Then he heard Leo 's voice behind him . " Hey Chris , how about I buy you a beer over at P3 and we can see how the place is doing . " Chris turned around and looked closely at his father . Leo had never offered to buy him a beer before . He asked , " Is this your way of proving you know I 'm an adult ? " # # # Paige followed Vincent up the stairs thinking the whole way that she should put up more of a protest . She thought she should complain loudly and tell him to screw off , but she found herself following meekly , because in the end she knew she had messed up . He took them to her room where they had spent many pleasant evenings together , and shut the door behind them . He led them to the bed and had her sit down beside him . He gently brushed the hair out of her face and said , " Let 's get it over with , and then I 'll spend one last night with you . " She did . He said , " We both know what you did was wrong , and you feel guilty about it . But it was just a mistake , not the end of the world , and not something that can 't be forgiven . " A tear slid down her face , and she whispered , " That 's what my Dad would say to me when I was in trouble . " Vincent smiled knowingly and nodded . He pulled her over his lap and started swatting the seat of her pants . The first swat took Paige by surprise and she said , " Hey ! Ow ! Not so hard ! " Vincent kept swatting just as hard and kept quiet , knowing nothing he said at that point was going to register much . And he knew that while she might hate what he was doing , that she wouldn 't really be able to forgive herself if he didn 't punish her enough . Paige was feeling bad when it started , but when it really started to hurt , she struggled to get away , but found Vincent was much stronger then she was . She yelled out , " I made you damn it ! You stop ! I hate you ! " Vincent started spanking harder , and within a few seconds she was crying and instead of demanding he stop she was telling him she was sorry and begging him to stop . He stopped and paused for a second for her to focus on what he was saying . He said , " Are you going to have any more issues with personal gain ? " He gave her ten more hard swats and then stopped for good . He picked her up , and put her on her side lying on the bed . He lay next to her and put his arms around her and let her cry . After a few minutes he murmured that he loved her , and she was forgiven over and over again until she fell asleep . Chris was in the attic looking up a demon in the book of shadows when suddenly a portal opened up on the wall . Chris took a few steps back and watched with growing horror as Wyatt and four of his demon followers walked trough the portal . Before Chris could get over the shock of seeing his brother , Wyatt put up his hand and Chris ' airway was cut off . Chris held his hand up to his throat trying to breathe while Wyatt laughed and said , " Did you really think I wouldn 't find a way to get back to you little brother ? I mean maybe if you 'd been quick about it , but you 've been in the past for over a year now with nothing to show for your efforts . " Wyatt shook his head as Chris fell to his knees with dizziness . Wyatt said , " You know I 've never thought much of your magical abilities . You 're a mediocre witch at best . But you 're pretty good at manipulation , so I actually expected you to be more of a threat . My mistake . " Chris woke up sweating and sucking in air . He sat up in bed and looked around the room wildly for a few seconds and put a hand up to his throat but found it felt normal . Once he realized it had been a nightmare he was able to calm himself down pretty fast . He took some deep breaths and said to himself , " Just a nightmare . Wyatt hasn 't found a way back here . " Chris looked at the clock , which read three AM . He sighed , got out of bed , and headed to the bathroom to wash his face and get a drink of water . Once he had a drink , he looked at himself in the mirror and thought , ' The nightmares are getting worse the closer it gets . Only one month left . Wyatt 's right , I 've been here for a year and have nothing to show for it other then a demon body count . I 'm still no closer to finding out what happened to Wyatt . Or what will happen to him . ' Chris splashed some cold water on his face and dried it off . He headed back to bed and lay down , but couldn 't go back to sleep . Instead he found his mind wandering . He rolled over in his bed again and wondered what kind of reaction he would get if he just went to Leo and told him that they only had a month left to save Wyatt . He groaned and thought , ' You know what his reaction will be . That 's why you don 't want to tell him . ' He tossed and turned for the next hour before finally falling asleep . Well before he was ready for it , the sun came through Chris ' window . He pulled the covers over his head and rolled away from the sun . As he was about to drift off again he heard his mother 's voice in his head calling him . " Chris ? Chris , are you awake ? We need to have a family meeting . " Closing his eyes tighter Chris pretended he hadn 't heard . A minute later there was a knock on his door . Giving up , Chris pulled the covers off his head and said , " Yeah ? " Scowling Chris gave her a curt , " Morning . " And sat down next to Phoebe . Before anyone else could comment Gideon arrived . " Thank you all for coming so quickly , I 'm in desperate need of your help . Last night one of our teachers was murdered . " There was a moment of silence and then Gideon continued , " Five witches have been killed in the past two weeks , all stabbed in the heart . We aren 't sure who is killing them , or why , but we are sure that it isn 't random . All of the witches that were killed have some ties to this school . Two were former students , two have children who currently attend classes , and the most recent murder was Ginny . We hadn 't put it all together until last night . We need the Charmed One 's to concentrate all their energy into finding out who is doing this before there is a panic . " Standing and raising his voice Chris said , " No . I 'm telling you guys , we don 't have time for this . We only have one month left ! We all need to concentrate on who is out to get Wyatt , because if we don 't most of the witches on the planet are going to get killed anyway ! " Looking around the room at the upset faces of his family , Chris found he just couldn 't tell them the truth . He looked down and said , " Well I figure I 'll be born in a month , and I don 't think two of me can exist in the same time . That means we have a month . " Leo stood and walked around the table so he could put a hand on Chris ' shoulder . " Even if you leave before we figure out what happens to Wyatt , we 're all still going to be vigilant about protecting him , and watching for any signs of a change . We won 't let it happen this time Chris . " Gideon smiled and said , " Thank you all . I 'll bring any new news to your attention immediately . For now I need to go make arrangements for Ginny 's classes . " Once Gideon was gone , everyone looked at the files Gideon had given them about the recent deaths . Chris decided he 'd better get his mind focused on this as best he could , because the quicker they solved this , the quicker they could get back to doing what was important saving Wyatt . e studied the files and listened to his family around him bouncing ideas off each other about who could be doing the killing . s he was reading he remembered being undercover in a demon bar a few days ago , and overhearing some demons talking about killing witches . nterrupting the conversation around him Chris raised his voice to be heard and said , " Hey I just remembered something . hree days ago when I was looking for that shape - shifter , I was in a demon bar , and I over heard a group of them talking about killing witches . " Paige said with irritation , " And you 're just telling us this now ? ! " Irritated himself , Chris answered , " It 's not like they were talking about specific witches ! They were talking in general . Now that I think about it , I 've heard a few different demons over the past three weeks talking about the fact that so many demons have gone missing or been found dead lately . Killing the witches could be retaliation . Especially witches involved in a school that teaches magic . " Phoebe gave Chris an annoyed look and said , " I have to agree with Paige . You should have told us about this as soon as you heard it . Maybe we could have prevented some of these deaths if we 'd known . " Before Phoebe or Paige could retaliate , Leo spoke sharply , " Chris . " Cringing at the tone Chris turned to Leo . With his lecture face firmly in place , Leo started in . " Both your aunts are right . If you hear rumors like that you need to let us know . We 've talked about trying to work as part of a team instead of working on your own . And I know we 've gone over the fact that keeping important information from your family is the same thing as lying . " Leo saw Chris shaking his head and continued , " I know you weren 't keeping it from us intentionally , it just hadn 't occurred to you to tell us until now , but that 's part of the problem Chris . If one of us had heard a rumor like that , it wouldn 't have occurred to us not to tell the rest of the family . It 's a different mindset , and it 's something you need to work on . " Pleased , Leo said , " Good . Now think back is there anything else you remember that could help us with this case ? Anything else you haven 't told us ? " Chris knew Leo was talking about the case , but couldn 't help but think yes there was something else he hadn 't told them . He looked away and said , " There were no specific threats towards witches in the conversations I overheard . Just demons lamenting the fact that so many of their own were being killed lately , and a general consensus that something should be done about it . " Phoebe said , " Well you have killed more demons in the past year then we usually do . I guess we should have anticipated some kind of retaliation . Now the question is , what should we do ? " Raising his voice as well Chris said , " They try to kill witches every day Mom ! Look , if it will make you happier , I 'll just go find out who it is , and come home with the information so we can all go after him . " Looking displeased but speaking calmly Leo said , " Chris , yelling at your mom isn 't okay . " Obviously displeased with this idea , but doubting he had any choice in the matter , Chris ground out , " Fine . " Piper said , " Good . I 'll question the people here at the school about the deaths and see if we can find any more similarities between the victims . " Chris wandered for a while trying to listen in on conversations without being obvious about it . A couple of hours later he heard what he had been waiting for . It was the third bar he had tried out , and he could tell the atmosphere was different in this one . No one was playing pool , and the main room was mostly empty . Chris got a beer and walked back towards the back room where he could hear voices . He found the scene that greeted him disturbing . There was an average looking man standing on a table near the back of the room talking . The back room was stuffed to capacity with a large variety of demons , and they were all listening to the man with rapt attention . As Chris listened in , he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up . A few demons muttered they should do something about it , and even more nodded in agreement . The man continued , " How many of our brothers and sisters have to die before we stand up and say no more ? How many of our children and parents have to suffer before we take up arms against the enemy ? " The man made a fist and smashed it against the palm of his other hand . " We can not allow this to go on ! The witches are living among the humans , while we are relegated to the underworld . The witches are allowed to hold jobs and buy houses . The witches are all living in homes with their families , not scrounging for food in the cold underworld . Do they have to worry that someone will come kill them in the night while they sleep ? " The man on the table took a deep breath and looked to his right . Chris had been so caught up with listening to the man , he hadn 't noticed that there was a young woman sitting in a chair right beside the table , and she was facing the audience as well . The man held out his hand to her . She stood , took his hand , and let him help her up on the table with him . He looked out at the crowd , making eye contact with as many as possible before speaking , " My brothers , we must take action , and the action that we take must be organized . If you join us , I promise to avenge each and every one of you for the wrongs that were committed against your families . " " Well sir , I 'm glad you asked me that . A little less then a year ago , my brother was killed . Cut down in cold blood , just for being a demon . He wasn 't hurting anyone , but it didn 't matter . I made him a promise that day as I held him and watched his eyes go dim . I promised to kill the son of a bitch responsible for his death . " " But how could I do that ? I 'm a low level demon , and the witch who killed my brother well let 's just say there would be no contest if we got in a fight . o I spent every spare minute of my time for the next six months doing research . " The man turned to the woman standing next to him on the table and said , " That 's when I met my lovely Bonnie . Her whole family was wiped out in one night . She 's the only survivor of the massacre , and she wanted revenge the same as me . The day I met her , I decided to go by the name Clyde . Why you may ask ? Because the day I met her , was the day we discovered how to win the war . We steal . " There were murmurs of uncertainty throughout the room . Clyde held up his hand , and looked at a glass of water that was across the room . The glass moved through the air and landed in Clyde 's hand . There were a few gasps from the audience . Clyde took a sip and said , " Now ask yourselves how could a low level demon like myself do that ? " Clyde looked at Bonnie . She held up her hand and a fireball appeared on top of it , which she flung at the wall beside them , and burned a whole through to the other side . Clyde kissed her cheek in approval . He turned to the audience and held his hands up in the air . " You may not understand how it 's possible , but let me assure you it is possible . If you can find it in yourselves to have faith , if you can believe that we can do what we say , if you join us , and if you 're loyal , we will have our revenge . Bonnie and I are getting stronger with every power we steal . Soon there won 't be a witch strong enough to stop us . " The room grew silent as Clyde glared in the general direction that question had come from . He said with malice , " What about them . Let them come ! I have stolen the power from three witches already , and Bonnie has the power of two . After tonight she 'll have another . Soon , even the Charmed One 's won 't be able to stop us , and once that happens , we 'll get the witch with the ultimate power . " There were whispers in the room , but Chris distinctly heard the name ' Wyatt . ' Chris looked in the general direction he knew Leo was standing , and hoped he would stay hidden no matter how hard it must be for him after hearing that . Bonnie said , " Those of you who want to join us , come introduce yourselves . " Leo appeared , and Chris could tell he was disturbed by what he had heard as well . Chris said urgently , " I have to go talk to them . Get in their good graces , so I can find out who they 're going to kill before they do it . We have to find out how they are getting power from these witches before they kill them , and we have to stop them before they get more . " Sounding grim , Chris said , " Then you 'll have to heal me . We can 't miss this opportunity to meet them . If we do , it may be too late not only for Wyatt , but also for the rest of us . Stay close , and stay out of sight unless I 'm near death . " Chris turned to leave , but Leo turned him back around and pulled him into a quick hug . Needing the comfort as much as Leo , Chris hugged him back tightly . Once Leo let go , he faded into the wall again . Chris went back out , and saw that Clyde and Bonnie were still surrounded by many demons , so he got in line to meet them . Ten minutes later he was shaking hands with both of them , and promising his allegiance to them . Bonnie asked him the same thing they asked every demon so far . " What kind of demon are you ? " Bonnie 's eyes seemed to light up , and she looked over at Clyde with a huge grin . Clyde put a hand on Chris ' shoulder and said , " You my brother , will be indispensable in our movement . What 's your name ? " Chris was glad Wyatt had been obsessed with the outlaws in his early teens , because otherwise he wouldn 't have known . " What good demon doesn 't know the story of the most misunderstood ' criminals ' in history . They were just trying to survive . In a time when the government was all - powerful , and the rich were getting fat while the common man starved . Interesting how rich rhymes with witch isn 't it ? " Clyde nodded and squeezed Chris ' shoulder in a friendly gesture before letting go . He said , " Buck it is . Why don 't you come back to our house with us after we 're done here . " Three hours later Chris was at a small blocked off area of the underworld where Bonnie and Clyde had made a little ' house ' for themselves . Chris and ten other demons who had been in the crowd had come back with them . Once they got there , Clyde pulled Chris aside and showed him some of the research he had done . He had information and pictures on at least fifty witches . Chris looked through them , and found information on all of his family members , including himself and Wyatt . Clyde looked through the photos and picked one out . Chris didn 't recognize the witch . Clyde said , " Bonnie is going after this one today . She has the power to become invisible . With a shape shifter on our side that won 't be as important as it was yesterday , but it could still be useful . " Chris nodded and read up on the witch , trying to memorize everything he could about her as quickly as possible . She was the mother of a student at magic school , and her name was Beth . He handed the folder back to Clyde and said , " How can I help ? " Clyde opened the folder and got out another picture of a younger man . He handed it to Chris and said , " You can help us get close while her guard is down . This is a picture of her fiancé . You go to her looking like this , and tell her Bonnie is someone who needs her help . Then once Bonnie is in the house , she can make her move . " " Where does the fiancé work ? If I 'm going to do a good job of shifting into him , I 'll need more then a picture . I need to see them move . " Waving at one of his followers , Clyde said , " This here is Furlow . He 's a darklighter , so he can orb . He 'll take you . " Ten minutes later the whole family and Gideon were sitting around the conference table , with Leo holding Wyatt close , and Chris explaining what was going on . When he was done everyone was silent for a few seconds . Then Phoebe said , " So this is it then . This is what turns Wyatt evil ? They try to get his powers , but can 't , and instead make him join forces with them ? " Chris shook his head . " Can 't be . This is all because of me . It 's something that I 've changed with my presence here in the past . Because I killed so many demons , they are going to retaliate . I mean it 's a serious threat to Wyatt , and to all the other witches , but it 's not what turned him evil . " Gideon who had sat silently by up to this point stepped in . " Let 's not be hasty with that assumption Chris . This could very well be what happened in the past . It may have just moved the timeframe up . You said a witch killed Clyde 's brother , but that doesn 't mean he was killed by you . And if he was killed by someone else , this could have all happened before . " Because Chris knew that there was only a month left , he seriously doubted that these could be the demons that had made Wyatt evil . Without him there killing so many demons , Bonnie and Clyde wouldn 't have had the support of so many demons . But Chris couldn 't exactly blurt out that he 'd been hiding this fact from his family for the past year , so instead he said , " But he also said Bonnie 's family was all killed . That can 't be a coincidence . It has to be because of me . " Gideon cut him off , " Then don 't assume . Assumptions can be dangerous . You 've been here looking for what turned Wyatt evil , so don 't assume anything until you 've done your research . " The room was quiet for a few seconds . Chris said , " I 'll have surprise on my side . As soon as I see what Bonnie does to steal Beth 's power , I 'll try to kill her quickly , and orb Beth and myself to safety . We can decide what else to do after that . " No one answered for a few seconds . Chris said , " We 're running out of time . I still have to get a look at the fiancé to do a good impression , and I only have ten minutes left before that darklighter comes to orb me back . " Piper and Leo looked at each other . Leo said , " I can 't stay invisible and orb at the same time . I can 't follow them , but I can wait for them at Beth 's house . We have the address . " Leo stood blended into the wall at Beth 's house anxiously waiting . Beth had been home for a good half an hour , and there was still no sign of Chris . Just when Leo thought that maybe he should go start searching the underworld , he heard the doorbell ring . Beth answered and saw her fiancé on the other side . She was about to reach up and kiss him when she saw a woman standing beside him , and a man behind them both . She opened the door wide and said , " Jason ? " Beth shut the door behind them , and without preamble Bonnie took a knife out of her back pocket , and tried to stab Beth . Beth was too stunned to react , and would have been stabbed in the heart if not for Chris ' quick reaction . He grabbed Bonnie 's arm and said , " What are you doing ? I thought you wanted her power , not to kill her . " Bonnie yanked her arm out of Chris ' hand and muttered , " Clyde and his surprises . " She said to Chris , " I stab the witch 's heart , and the knife acts like a conductor . The power goes from her to me though the knife . Now help me find her ! " Having the information Chris needed , he used his telekinesis to yank the knife out of Bonnie 's hand and transfer it to his own . He tried to stab her with it , but she ducked and it missed her . She had a fireball ready as she came up and tossed it at him . At the same time Furlow shot an arrow at him too . Chris orbed away just in time to avoid both . Leo appeared from out of the wall and raised one hand towards Bonnie , and the other towards Furlow , but before he could do anything Chris orbed back into the living room in between Bonnie and Leo . Chris used his telekinesis to fling Bonnie hard against the nearest wall , and turned to stab Furlow , but he orbed to avoid the slash . Bonnie slumped down to the floor with the breath knocked out of her , unable to move for a few seconds . Chris was coming at her with the knife , but before he could get to her , Furlow appeared in front of him and kicked him in the stomach . Chris was tossed back a few feet and Leo said , " Stay out of the way . " Furlow reached out for Bonnie 's hand , but before he could touch her , a vial appeared out of thin air , landed on Bonnie , and she went up in flames screaming for a second before she disappeared . Furlow yelled in rage , " You 'll all pay for this ! " before disappearing in a cloud of black specks as he orbed . Chris got up off the floor , changed into his real appearance and said , " Thanks . I 'm Chris , the whitelighter for the Charmed One 's . They heard you were in trouble , and sent me to check on you . " Beth appeared in front of him . He felt rather then saw Leo behind him . " And this is Leo . He 's an Elder , and he 's here to help you as well . I 'm afraid you 're still in danger . They will be back . " Leo thought about that for a minute . " But everyone they have targeted so far has a connection to magic school . Maybe it 's better to keep her at the mansion . No one will know that she 's there . Clyde doesn 't know who you really are . " " He should be , because he 's not the target , you are . But either way I 'll go up there and check on him while I warn everyone about what happened . Chris , you take Beth home and work with Paige to find out about the knife . " Half an hour later Chris , Beth , and Paige had found a picture of the knife in the Book of Shadows . Paige read , " It 's called an Athame . It 's used exactly like Bonnie said it was used . " Before Chris and Beth could even make it down the stairs , Clyde and Furlow appeared in a cloud of dark specks on the stairway in front of them . Furlow shot Chris with a darklighter arrow . Chris felt sharp pain in his right shoulder , but still tried to reach Beth before Clyde did . But Clyde was closer , and Beth was stabbed through the heart before Chris even took one step . Chris stumbled and fell on the arrow driving it further into his shoulder , and he yelled out in pain . He looked up and saw the knife in Clyde 's hand glowing red for a second , before Beth slumped down dead on the stairs . Furlow took aim again , but Clyde stopped him . " No . Save this one for later . " She turned him over and saw the darklighter arrow sticking out of him . She looked over at Beth , and could tell by the unnatural twist of her neck that she was dead . Paige wished for the millionth time that she could heal , but it was of no use . She looked up and called , " Leo ! " The pain was overpowering as it radiated from his shoulder and surged throughout his entire body . Chris nodded and said , " Pull the arrow out . The poison is getting in my system . " Paige grabbed the arrow near the wound and closed her eyes before giving a hard yank . Chris screamed in pain , and then after catching his breath he said , " Thanks . " They waited for Leo while Paige held a hand over the wound to try and stop the blood loss . She said , " How did they find us ? " Piper , Leo , and Gideon were all talking about Clyde when they heard a loud commotion in the hallway . All three went to take a look and had trouble believing what they were seeing . There in front of them were over twenty demons , all trying to kill as many witches as possible . Piper raised her hands and blew up the first one she saw , and Leo turned to Gideon as he said , " Keep an eye on Wyatt please . " Leo went to the first fallen body he could find and put his hands over the teen to heal him , but then felt Chris ' pain . He knew Chris had been injured , and he heard Paige call for him , but there were kids being terrorized in font of him . He could tell from sensing Chris that he still had a few minutes before the wound was fatal , but the kids in front of him couldn 't say the same . Leo healed the child in front of him , while his wife killed demon after demon with her powers . Other witches in the school joined Piper , and in a short amount of time the demons were out numbered . Leo healed the five children that were the most seriously injured , before he said to Piper , " Chris needs me . " Paige looked around helplessly as Chris writhed in pain . She held her hands over the wound and tried without success to heal it . She called again , " LEO ! ! " Chris had always known that his mission could very well end in his death . The only thing he wanted to make sure of was that his death wasn 't in vain . He wanted to make sure his family all worked together to stop the horrific future he had come from . He whispered , " Only one month left . Wyatt 's turned before I 'm born . " A good two minutes later Chris was back to normal . Leo stopped healing and put a hand on Chris ' face , just needing the contact after coming so close to losing him . He said , " I have more kids to heal at magic school . " Leo orbed while Chris sat up and was immediately hugged by his aunt . Chris was somewhat surprised and patted her back a couple of times . " I 'm fine . It 's okay . " Chris shrugged and found himself unable to answer . Paige looked down at Beth 's body . She said , " Okay , we 'll talk about it later . Right now , we need to orb her back home , call Jason and her son , and find out how the hell Clyde knew where we were . " Chris nodded . Then he waved a hand in Beth 's direction , and orbed her body back to her own house . He said , " I 'll go tell Jason and bring him to magic school . You tell her son , and take Beth 's Athame to Gideon . Maybe he 'll know where they got them . " # # # A few minutes later the whole family was at magic school . Jason and Beth 's son were comforting each other as best they could . Gideon , who had no new information on the Athame , was trying to keep his teachers and students calm . And the Halliwell 's were all in a conference room trying to figure out what had happened . Paige told everyone how Chris had been shot , and almost died , but didn 't mention that he had told her there was only one month left to save Wyatt , for which Chris was grateful . He found himself hugged by both his parents , and then a few seconds later by Phoebe . When Phoebe pulled away from him , she exclaimed , " Ow ! " Frowning , Chris turned to try and look at as much of his back as he could . Phoebe walked behind him and looked closely at his back . By the neck of his shirt , right under his hair she found what had poked her finger . It was a black piece of metal about the size of a marble but square with sharp edges . " What 's this ? " Shaking his head Chris said , " Clyde is after Wyatt . Out of all of us , you 're the most powerful and the most likely to be able to save him if something happens . You need to stay and protect him . " Nodding Leo said , " Okay Phoebe . You get the knife , and as soon as you get some powers , you use them to kill Clyde . Paige , Chris , and I will be there to back you up , and make sure you have a clear shot at him . " Clyde was gathering his followers , and working them into a frenzy . Paige , Chris , Leo and Phoebe almost went unnoticed when the orbed into Clyde 's ' house ' . Clyde was yelling to be heard by everyone , " We must strike now , before they can gather their forces ! We must get the child , take his power , and make it our own ! " A fireball appeared in her hand and she tossed it in Clyde 's direction . To everyone else in the room Clyde disappeared before the fireball could reach him , but Phoebe could clearly see where he was from the heat he was giving off . The demons started to attack . Leo waved his hand and orbed demons out of the room two at a time , to get them out of their way . Chris used his telekinesis to fling demons out of Phoebe 's way , so she could get closer to the front of the room where he assumed Clyde still was . Phoebe tossed fireballs or stabbed every demon that came close to her as she made her way to the front of the room . Paige looked for weapons in the crowd of demons and called the weapons to her before they could be used , starting with all the darklighter 's crossbows . Phoebe saw Clyde trying to escape out a side door . While his back was to her , she flung a fireball at him . She heard the satisfying sound of him screaming as he went up in flames and disappeared entirely , heat and all . She started flinging as many fireballs as she could produce in every direction , to kill as many demons as she could before they escaped . Two minutes after the fight started it was over . When there were five demons left alive with no way to escape , Phoebe went up to them and said , " You tell everyone in the underworld , this is what happens when you threaten our family , especially our babies . The next time we hear even a hint of someone coming for us , we 're going to exterminate you . Do you understand . " Leo said , " Too many . We need to get them out of her quick . The demon powers have already started to feed on her darker thoughts . We need to remove them . " Smiling Leo said , " Sorry , then the powers would just transfer to you . Do either of you see the Athame that Clyde was using ? We need to find it before another demon does . " Chris , Paige , and Leo all orbed to the mansion and found Phoebe pacing around the living room with a maniacal grin on her face . Once she saw them she said , " Was that the coolest thing or what ? Did you see me kicking ass ? ! Man what a rush ! I want to do that every night ! " Leo felt bad for stabbing her without warning , but in her current state , she might have fought him . She looked up at him with shock in her face as she felt the power drain from her . He yanked the Athame out , and caught her with one arm before she could fall to the ground . He kneeled down still holding her , set the Athame on the ground beside them , put a hand over her heart where he had stabbed her , and healed her before she could die . Once she was back to normal she looked at Leo who was still holding her and accused , " You stabbed me . " Leo held up the Athame . " Still in here . We 'll need to do a spell to release the powers safely . " Paige held hers up and said , " Then what do we do with them ? " Holding out his hand to Phoebe , Leo smiled . Phoebe put her hand in his and let him orb her to magic school . Chris and Paige orbed as well . Gideon , Piper , and Wyatt were all in the conference room waiting for them . Gideon stood as he spoke , " Let 's look at the facts . We know Wyatt was turned early in life . Sometime before Chris can remember , so it has to be before Chris turned three . And we . " Paige cleared her throat loudly to interrupt . Gideon looked at her to see what she wanted to say . Paige looked at Chris and said , " Are you going to tell them or am I ? " Chris felt as though he couldn 't breath in that moment . Looking around the room quickly he stammered , " Tell them ? m T ll them what ? " Everyone quieted down . Chris crossed his arms defensively and found his feet interesting while Paige said , " When Chris was shot with the darklighter arrow , we didn 't think Leo was going to make it in time . With what would have been Chris ' dying breath , he told me Wyatt is turned before Chris is born . " There was an uncomfortable silence for a minute , and then Gideon continued , " That just proves my point . Clyde was after Wyatt , and if Chris hadn 't been here , he very well might have succeeded in taking him . What if we hadn 't been vigilant about watching Wyatt 's every move ? What if we hadn 't known ahead of time what Clyde had been up to ? Piper and Wyatt wouldn 't have been living here , and would have been more vulnerable to attack . " Gideon had an answer , " Yes , but that fact has most likely become common knowledge in the underworld , and they will be trying to find ways to break it . And as we know , Wyatt didn 't die or lose his powers , which was Clyde 's goal . But maybe in the process of trying to remove the bubble and take Wyatt 's powers , Clyde turned him evil instead . " Phoebe joined in , " That 's not necessarily true Chris . The underworld tries to rise up every couple of years , and it 's been a while . And anytime one person starts the movement ; there are always demons willing to join in . I guess the real question is what set Clyde off . " Chris added , " And that 's how he met Bonnie too . Her whole family had been killed . So we need to find out who killed them . If it was me , then this was a reaction to me being here , and not what originally turned Wyatt . " Thinking that over , Gideon nodded , " You 're right . We 'll need to investigate . But for now I need to see to my students and teachers , and let them know that this crisis is over . See what you can find and we 'll meet here again tomorrow morning to discuss it further . " With his stomach churning and his face turning pink Chris thought about the implications of that comment and waited for his aunts to leave . Paige nodded in understanding , held out her hand for Phoebe , and orbed the two of them away . Once they were gone the room was silent for a few seconds . Piper and Leo shared a look , but Chris kept his eyes on the ground waiting . Piper broke the silence , " Why didn 't you tell us Chris ? " That was a complicated thing to answer , so Chris shrugged as if he didn 't know instead of answering . Leo was already upset that Chris had kept things from them again , and then to have him shrug , as if the question wasn 't a serious one , was too much . He let go of Chris ' shoulder and gave him a swat . " Answer your mother . " Chris looked off into the distance , thinking about how to start . He saw Leo start to move towards him out of the corner of his eye and started talking ; " When I first got here I was hiding everything from you . Then when you found out I was your son ; I didn 't trust you enough to tell you . I wasn 't sure if giving you that information would backfire and make thing worse somehow . " " Over the past two weeks I 've been thinking about it a lot . I 've wanted to tell you but if I told you then you 'd know that I had kept something important from you , which Dad says is the same as a lie , and I was worried that he 'd . . well I as worried about his reaction . " Pi er and Leo gave each other a slightly confused look . Le looked back at Chris and asked , " You were worried that I 'd spank you ? " Cringing at the word , Chris nodded and said , " I know , it 's stupid . nd not a good reason to keep something from you . . I just . I ' sorry . " Leo couldn 't help but feel guilty . He hated spanking Chris , and if spanking him had made Chris somehow afraid of him , then it had been a bad plan from the start . Shaking his head Leo walked up to Chris , who swallowed hard . Leo pulled Chris into a hug and said , " No , I 'm the one who 's sorry . " Leo put both his hands on Chris ' shoulders and looked in his eyes . " First off , let me tell you that if you 'd come to me and told me about this at any time over the past two months , I would not have spanked you . I would have been happy that you were trusting me , and that would have been the end of it . Do you believe me ? " Pulling Chris into a hug Leo said , " I never want you to be afraid of me Chris . And I never want you to worry that you can 't come and tell me something . I 'm not saying there won 't be some kind of punishment , but if spanking is so traumatic for you that you 've kept this from us , then it 's wrong for me to do it . " Chris said , " Thanks Mom . " and took a deep breath to try and calm himself down . He thought his anxiety over the whole thing should be gone now , but he found his stomach was still churning , and he still felt jumpy . Piper walked over and gave Chris a hug as well . She said , " We love you Chris . " Chris thought he should be elated with this news , and couldn 't understand why what he felt most was nervous uncertainty . Frowning Chris said , " Oh . Okay . " Leo looked at Piper and said , " We 'll see you later tonight for dinner once we 're done investigating . " Gideon stepped into his office after having calmed the students and teachers as much as possible , and letting them know the immediate threat was over . He walked over to a curtain , which was against one wall , and pulled it back to expose a mirror . He looked in the mirror and saw an image of himself , but the reflected image was slightly different . Gideon looked at himself and said , " We need to make sure the evidence leads the Charmed ones to believe this was the threat to Wyatt . " Both Gideon 's got out a packet of white powder at the same time and held it up . Reflected Gideon said , " We must move quickly before they find something . White powder isn 't always successful on a half whitelighter half witch . " Gideon thought about it for a second , and soon he said , " We 'll need a distraction . Something to get everyone at the school for fifteen minutes . That should be enough time to plant the evidence . " Both Gideon 's held up their hands and soon a photo of a demon Paige had killed about six months ago appeared . They both said , " Talk to you soon . " and pulled the curtain back in place . # # # Gideon found Piper and Wyatt in the conference room . Wyatt was playing quietly in his playpen , and Piper was looking through some old books that talked about the origin of Athames . Positioning himself so that Piper would have to look away from Wyatt to speak with him , Gideon said , " How is it coming ? " Piper flipped through the pages of the book for a few minutes , and while she wasn 't looking , Gideon waved his hand and orbed Wyatt to his nursery in the mansion . Wyatt looked around and found a plate with some cookies and a sippy cup of milk on the floor . He toddled over , sat down , and started to eat . As soon as Gideon orbed Wyatt away he said , " Piper ! " Gideon pointed to the empty playpen . Piper stood as quickly as her eight - month pregnant body would let her , and walked towards the empty playpen . She yelled with panic , " Wyatt ? ! " Gideon walked over and picked up a cookie in one hand , and held it out to Wyatt . Wyatt already had a cookie in each hand , and just watched Gideon . Gideon asked , " Want to come with me ? I 'll hold this one for you . " Wyatt got up and walked over to Gideon . Gideon did a good job of suppressing his shudder as he picked the toddler up , and even managed another smile for him . He orbed himself and Wyatt to the underworld close to Clyde 's house , hoping that Leo was already at Piper 's side and trying to sense Wyatt . They searched for the next five minutes . Then Leo heard Piper 's frantic yell for him . He said , " Piper needs us . " and all three of them orbed back to magic school . Piper started in before they had finished materializing in front of her . " Wyatt was in his playpen , and then two seconds later he was just gone . He never orbs without me unless something 's wrong ! I 've called him but he won 't come . I don 't know where he is ! " Paige looked stricken and said , " Oh no . " Chris closed his eyes and tried to sense his brother , and Leo did the same after putting an arm around Piper to comfort her . A few seconds later Chris and Leo looked at each other with worry . Leo said , " We can 't sense him . " Leo looked over at Chris . " From as early as I can remember Wyatt was able to block everyone from sensing him , but I don 't have any memories from before Wyatt is about four . I wouldn 't think he could do it yet but who knows . " Gideon orbed in with Wyatt in his arms . Piper rushed to them and took Wyatt out of Gideon 's arms . Piper hugged Wyatt close and did start to cry as she said , " Wyatt sweetie , you 're okay . I was so worried . " Gideon said , " I looked for him in the daycare center here , but didn 't find him . Then I decided to try your house . He was in the kitchen , getting some of these . " Gideon held up a cookie . " It took some convincing to get him to come home . " Leo let go of Piper and looked at Wyatt . Wyatt had cookie crumbs on his face , a whole cookie in one hand , and a half eaten cookie in the other . Wyatt smiled at Leo and said , " Da da . " Piper and Leo shared a concerned look . Leo added his thanks as well and Gideon left . Paige walked over and kissed Wyatt on the head , happy to have him back safely . Knowing that Piper would need time to calm down after that shock , and knowing that Leo and Chris would be the best people to help Piper calm down , Paige said , " I 'm going to keep searching Clyde 's house . I 'll let you all know if I find anything . " Piper was putting things together in her head . She turned to Leo and said with some disbelief , " He orbed home to get cookies , ignored us when we called , and then blocked us so we couldn 't sense him . " Piper didn 't wait for Leo 's response to that . She walked over and sat Wyatt down on a nearby chair , and took both cookies out of his hands . Wyatt frowned and said , " Mine . " With a frown of her own Piper said , " Wyatt Halliwell , you don 't orb home without mommy , and you don 't get cookies for yourself . You come back to us when we call you , and you don 't block us when we 're trying to find you . You can stay right there for a minute , because you 're in time out . " Wyatt just looked confused for a second , having no idea what a time out was or what his mother was talking about . Then he focused on what was important to him and orbed the cookies out of Piper 's hands and back to his own . " Mine . " Wyatt looked at Leo for a second and then burst into tears . Wyatt looked over at Piper through his tears and held his hands up to her , wanting to be picked up . Though she found it extremely difficult , Piper crossed her arms and said quietly , " No Wyatt . You stay there for a minute . Orbing home by yourself is not okay . " Leo threw the cookies away while Piper tried to calm Wyatt down . Wyatt was disconsolate for a few minutes , while Piper held him , rubbed his back , and murmured soothing comments to him . Chris , who had watched the exchange between his parents and brother , found his emotions in an uproar . During his childhood Wyatt had always been seen as the good child . Chris had never once seen Wyatt in trouble , because he had perfected hiding his evil tendencies at an early age . Even when Wyatt finally showed his evil side at 16 , Chris never saw Wyatt in trouble , because his parents were busy trying to cure him , not grounding him and telling him he 'd been bad . Chris had always been the one in trouble , usually for ' lying ' , which meant he was actually being honest about things Wyatt had done . When he was very young he 'd been put in time out for that multiple times , and as he got older he 'd been grounded for it as well . He didn 't stop getting into trouble until he learned to perfect his lying skills . So as Chris stood and watched his parents tell Wyatt no and put him in a time out , Chris was immediately empathetic to Wyatt and felt sorry for him , especially since his parents were assuming they knew what had happened instead of knowing it for a fact . But then at the same time Chris felt some satisfaction in seeing them upset with something Wyatt had done instead of something he had done . But mostly Chris was unexpectedly jealous . He shook his head once , trying to deny it to himself , but couldn 't . Because of his powers , Wyatt had been the center of attention for the family even before he turned evil , but once Chris was sent to live with his Grandfather he 'd felt practically invisible to his father and aunts . And in the here and now Chris felt that way again as he watched Leo take Wyatt from Piper to give him some comfort . And even though logically he knew his jealousy was irrational , he just couldn 't watch his parents with Wyatt anymore right then . He muttered , " I 'm gonna go help Paige . " and orbed to Clyde 's house to help look for clues . Paige saw Chris orb in and said , " That was fast . " while looking for Leo . Chris said , " Mom and Dad are still busy . I 'm here to help you . " A few minutes later Paige called to Chris . Chris came out of the bathroom and saw Paige had pulled a small cardboard box out from under the bed . In it she had found some photos , and she recognized both Clyde and the demon she had killed a few months ago who was obviously his brother . She held the pictures up to Chris and said , " Looks like I 'm the one who set Clyde off . I remember this demon . I vanquished him . " Ten minutes later Chris and Paige had finished searching the house , and hadn 't found anything else of use . They were wondering if they should go to magic school or back to the mansion when Leo orbed in . Paige held up the photo and said , " Look what we found . " That night everyone including Gideon had a celebratory dinner at the mansion . They had gone over what they had found , and they were all convinced that this was what had originally turned Wyatt evil . Once the meal started Gideon said , " Now that you 've succeeded in your mission , we 'll need to work on a way to get you home safely . " The fork stopped half way to Chris ' mouth . He lowered it as he realized Gideon was right . Piper said , " We have a month before little you is born . That will give us plenty of time to come up with a spell to get you back to the future . " Chris wasn 't even sure how to do that , let alone how to respond to it . He nodded and put some food in his mouth . Then he swallowed and changed the subject . He looked over at his mom and said , " Now that the threat is over , Mom and Wyatt can move back home . " Leo knew they needed to talk about what that meant for them . Leo had been sleeping in their old bed while Piper was away , but with her coming home he wasn 't sure if he should move to the couch or stay in the bed . Turning slightly pink and giving Piper an unsure smile , Leo said , " We can move you two back home tomorrow . " Wyatt laughed and clapped his hands . Piper said , " I was thinking about what happened with Wyatt today . Maybe tonight we should all stay here and practice having Wyatt orb to us when we call him . We could each go to a separate room , and then take turns calling him . I want to make it automatic for him to come to us when we call . " Leo sat down with Wyatt on his lap so he could finish some more of his food . Wyatt was content to stay where he was until the meal was over . No one noticed that Chris wasn 't eating much , and was actually just moving the food around on his plate . He was lost in his own thoughts and couldn 't take the time to eat . What would he do with free time ? He didn 't know how to just be part of the family without some kind of mission to go on . And the thought of going back to his own time was terrifying because of the uncertainty of what awaited him there . Chris looked at Wyatt sitting on Leo 's lap , and at Piper who was on the other side of Leo who was looking at Wyatt with love while she smoothed his hair down around his ear . He suddenly pictured a future where Wyatt was good instead of evil , but was still the center of the entire family with Chris as the loved but shoved aside little brother . Chris couldn 't watch them fawning over Wyatt anymore . He pushed his food away and said , " I 'm done . I 'll take Wyatt into the living room to play for a while until you 're ready to have him practice orbing . " Chris carried Wyatt into the living room and got out some of his toys . He set Wyatt down in the middle of the toys expecting him to play , so he could continue to picture various awful futures in peace . Wyatt had other ideas and pulled at Chris ' pant leg , " Iis . " Wyatt put the car in Chris ' hand . Chris gave in and sat on the floor with his legs crossed . He moved the car around on the floor and made car noises for Wyatt . Wyatt climbed into Chris ' lap and pushed another car on the floor next to his . Chris looked down at Wyatt who looked up at him with a smile . Chris couldn 't help but smile back . He said , " You know what Wyatt ? " Wyatt looked at him waiting to hear what he would say , and Chris could tell from his expression that Wyatt not only trusted him but loved him too . Chris shook his head and wondered if that trust was misguided . " If you stay as sweet as you are right now , maybe the future won 't be so bad to go back to " Piper , Leo , Chris , Phoebe , and Paige all went into separate rooms , and then in one - minute intervals they took turns calling to Wyatt . Wyatt orbed with encouragement from whichever adult he was with . After fifteen minutes they called it a night . Piper and Leo both told Wyatt what a good boy he had been and Leo orbed Piper and Wyatt back to magic school for the night . They put him to bed together , and then walked out to the living room . There was an uncomfortable silence until Leo said , " Chris and I will be here first thing in the morning to help you move . " Piper went to sit on the couch and gestured to the spot next to her . Leo sat down as well , but wasn 't sure where to start . Piper said , " You 've been sleeping in our bed since I 've been here . " Piper put her hand over Leo 's mouth to stop him . She leaned in and gave him a kiss . He was surprised , but very quickly leaned in and kissed her back . A few minutes later they broke apart , both breathless from the kiss . He said , " I 'm still an Elder . " Piper shook her head . " I don 't care right now . If we only have until Chris is back in his own time , then so be it . I 'll take what I can get . You 're still my husband , and I 'm still in love with you . " She pushed herself to standing with a little help from Leo . He looked unsure of what she was doing so she said , " Well , what are you waiting for ? Let 's see the bed . " Chris watched Leo , Piper , and Wyatt orb back to magic school and was jealous again . He was annoyed with himself and decided he needed a distraction . He went to look for one of his aunts . He found Phoebe in the kitchen . " Hey Phoebe ? " Chris orbed and was soon at the club his mom owned . He ordered a beer and sat down at a small table by himself . He took a sip of the beer , set it down , and sat staring at the people around him for the next three hours without actually noticing any of them . He spent his time thinking about the past , the present , and the future , and wondering what changes he had caused in his own timeline . He also thought a lot about his relationship with his brother and with his parents , and the more he thought about that , the more he wanted to drink . Six beers later Chris decided he needed to talk to Leo . He stumbled into the bathroom , and made sure it was empty before he orbed home to his room . Once he was there , he kicked off his shoes and sat down on his bed . He quietly called , " Dad . " Leo woke instantly and knew Chris wanted him . He looked at Piper who was asleep in his arms on the sofa bed . He kissed the top of her head and said , " Piper ? " " I 'm not afraid of you spanking me . That 's not why I didn 't tell you there was only one month left . I let myself believe that , but it 's not true . " " I 've been thinking about that all night . I wondered if I was just afraid to put my full trust in you , but I don 't think that 's it . Then I wondered if it was because it was the last big secret I had , and then once it was out , we would be on level playing ground which could be scary . But I don 't think that 's it either . I think the truth is I wanted you to find out . " With some tears in his eyes Chris said , " Because I 'm going back soon , and I don 't know what future I 'm going back to . I know what you were like in the future I came from , and I don 't want things to be like that anymore . And because I know what you 're like now , maybe a part of me wanted you to prove that you cared one more time before I left . Maybe I wanted to be the center of attention for a little while even if it was negative attention . I don 't want to be in the background anymore . I don 't want to be invisible to you again . Do you think that makes me selfish ? " Feeling tears welling up in his own eyes , Leo pulled Chris into a tight hug and said , " No Chris . I don 't think it makes you selfish . And I promise you that you 'll never be invisible to me , especially now that you 've told me that was how you felt before . " Hugging Leo tightly Chris said , " I am selfish . I 've been jealous of my two - year - old brother all day instead of being happy that he 's not going to turn evil . I should be happy that I 'm going back to a future that will be better for everyone , not worrying over my place in it . " Leo pulled away and put his hands on the sides of Chris ' face so he could look at him . He wiped a couple of tears off Chris ' face with his thumbs and said , " It 's not selfish to worry about your own future , and it 's not selfish of you to be jealous of Wyatt . After the life you had it 's only natural for you to feel both things . Don 't beat yourself up about having normal human feelings Chris . " Leo felt Chris ' body tense up at those words , but he kept talking anyway . " When you told me you were scared to come to me because I 'd spank you , I was horrified that I 'd made you afraid of me , and more then a little relieved that I wouldn 't have to do it again . But now I see that deciding not to spank you anymore was the wrong thing to do , because you 're wallowing in guilt and worrying that I don 't love you . " Chris didn 't resist knowing he had asked for this , but that didn 't make it easy to take . He shook his head , wanting to deny it , and said , " Dad " Leo started spanking , but didn 't put that much force behind the blows . Chris remained silent after an initial grunt with the first swat . After twenty swats Leo pulled Chris back up and sat him down beside him . Seeing the confused look that Chris was giving him , Leo said , " That was just to prove that I love you , and to help you sleep . We 'll talk about your lying and your guilt tomorrow after your hangover is gone . Though I 'd bet money that you won 't be as amiable about the whole thing once that buzz you 've got going is gone . " Leo patted Chris ' back and stood up . " You 're not falling down drunk , but your not entirely sober either . Go to sleep son . We have a busy day tomorrow moving your mom and Wyatt back home . " Chris didn 't bother taking his clothes off and just lay down on his bed the way he was . He asked , " What are you going to do about Mom moving back in ? " " I 've spent most of the night thinking about my marriage and my status as an Elder . " Surprised , Chris turned his face to see Leo and said with some nervous anxiety , " You wouldn 't even be an Elder if it weren 't for me . I tricked you into that to get you out of the way while I worked on manipulating mom and my aunts . If it weren 't for my being here , you 'd still be with mom . " " Really ? Well that 's that 's great . 'm happy for you for all of us . B t what about being an Elder ? I mean doesn 't that cross ethical boundaries ? " " Yes . That 's why I 've been thinking about quitting . Once you 're safe in your own timeline , I 'm going to ask the council to make me a whitelighter again . I think I 'll do more good down here with my family then I will up there overseeing thousands of people . But maybe that makes me the selfish one . " Leo could feel Chris ' shuddering breath , and could tell he was crying . Leo held Chris tight . He knew it was fear of the unknown that was making Chris cry , and that there was nothing he could say to make that fear go away , but had to try anyway . " I know son . I don 't want things to be bad between us ever again , and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn 't happen . " The next morning Chris woke up and put a hand to his head while he groaned . He looked out his window and could tell it was mid morning . He had a slight hang over , and remembered going to P3 for a few beers . His head hurt , and his mouth was dry , but his stomach wasn 't rebelling . He rarely drank , and usually regretted it when he did . He got up with a wince at the sharp pain in his head . He got some clean clothes and walked down the hall to the bathroom . He peed , took some painkillers with a large glass of water , and got undressed . He stepped into the shower and washed his hair . As he was rinsing he thought about the night before . The memories of his conversation with Leo came rushing back to him , and he froze in place for a second . Then he quickly got out of the shower , and looked at his dripping reflection in the mirror . He thought , ' I didn 't really tell Dad what I think I did did I ? ' After going over the conversation in his head a second time , Chris winced for a whole new reason and put his head in his hands . " You idiot ! What were you thinking ? ! " He glared at himself and grit his teeth as he said , " No more alcohol Chris , it makes you stupid . " Shaking his head at his own mistake , Chris got a towel and dried off while trying to formulate a good temporary insanity plea to give to Leo . He wrapped the towel around his waist and shaved while trying to come up with some kind of excuse to convince Leo not to spank him . Soon he was dressed and ready for the day . His headache was gone , and before he left the sanctuary of the bathroom he looked at himself one more time and said , " You 're screwed and you have no one to blame but yourself . " Leo had woken up early and went to see Piper at magic school , knowing Wyatt would have her up early too . As they ate a quick breakfast , Leo told her about his talk with Chris the night before . Piper had trouble believing it at first , but after a few minutes to think it over she said , " So what are you going to do ? " " Well I 'm going to let him sleep in while we move you two home , and then this afternoon I 'm going to give him the spanking he asked for ; even if he 's protesting at the time . " Sighing and already regretting that it had to happen , Piper nodded in agreement and started to pick up the dishes . Leo went home and wished Phoebe a good day as she headed out to work . Paige was in the kitchen , and after telling her they were going to let Chris sleep , they headed to magic school to help Piper move . Leo , Piper , Gideon , and Paige all spent the early morning moving Piper 's things back to the mansion . Because all of the movers besides Piper could orb , it only took a couple of hours to move everything . Once it was done , Leo shook Gideon 's hand and thanked him before he left . Soon after , Paige said she would go to the grocery store to stock up now that Piper and Wyatt were home . Piper was giving Wyatt a snack in the kitchen , and Leo was hanging out with them , when Chris nervously walked in . Piper said , " Good morning Chris sweetie . I made some blueberry muffins . They 're still warm if you want one . " Chris avoided eye contact with Leo and smiled at his mother . " I could smell them all the way upstairs . It 's nice to have you home . " He went and got himself a muffin and some coffee and sat down to eat . Once he had eaten a couple of bites he darted his eyes up to Leo , and saw him scrutinizing him . Chris swallowed hard and looked back at his mom who was also scrutinizing him . He looked back at his plate and tried to keep his voice normal as he asked , " Are you already done moving back ? Why didn 't you guys wake me up ? " He took another bite as Piper said ; " We are done moving , and Dad thought you could use the extra sleep . " Choking down his bite , Chris took a few swallows of coffee and said , " Oh . Well T anks , but it would have been okay to wake me up . I could have helped with the move . J st because I had a few beers , that doesn 't mean I should get any special consideration . I fact , it doesn 't mean anything should change at all . " w Somewhat panicked Chris ' speech came out in a rush , " Things I may have said or done last night shouldn 't be taken seriously . I had too much to drink to be thinking clearly . I was talking nonsense . We should really just forget about the whole thing . " Chris felt his face heat up and he orbed back to his room without taking another bite . Piper and Leo looked at each other . She put a hand on his shoulder and said , " You 're doing the right thing . I wasn 't sure before , but I am now . " He stood while Piper started cleaning up Wyatt from his snack . Needing a few minutes to get himself prepared , Leo walked to Chris ' bedroom instead of orbing . The door was open and he could see Chris pacing around his room . Leo knocked on the open door before walking in , and closing the door behind him . Chris stopped pacing and gave his dad a forlorn look . Leo sat down on the edge of Chris ' bed . " Come here . " Leo sat down and undid Chris ' pants , which quickly fell to his ankles , before pulling him over his lap . Leo gave Chris twenty hard swats on top of his boxers before responding . " We are going to do this , because you lied to me . You told us that Wyatt was turned sometime before you were three , when in reality you knew that he was turned before you were born . That was vital information that we needed to be able to make the right decisions , and you kept it from us . " Leo pulled the boxers down to mid thigh . Chris lay his head down on the crook of his arm , stared at the comforter in front of him , and wished he were somewhere else . Leo gave him four swats and then added , " That is what you did isn 't it ? " Leo nodded and wrapped an arm around Chris ' middle to keep him in place before bringing his hand down hard on the center of Chris ' unprotected rear . Not ready for the pain Chris yelped an ' Ow ! ' while Leo 's hand kept a steady rain of swats coming down . After a full minute of steady swats , Chris was trying to wiggle away from Leo . When he was unable to get away he yelled , " Ow ! Ow ! ! Ow ! ! Okay Dad , you 've made your point ! Ouch ! I 'm sorry okay ? Please stop ! " Not able to take it anymore without crying , Chris yelled , " That wasn 't intentional ! " and put a hand back to cover his butt . Leo took Chris ' wrist in his hand , pulled it to the center of his lower back to keep it out of the way , and started spanking again . He said , " Maybe . Maybe not . But my guess is that if you don 't get spanked for it , you 'll feel guilty about it either way . " Chris ' wiggling got more frantic for a few seconds , and when the pain continued he got angry . With some tears falling down his cheeks he yelled , " So you believe the shit I tell you when I 'm drunk , but not the things I tell you when I 'm sober ? ! You 're mentally deficient Leo ! " Leo swatted Chris harder and aimed for his sit spots because of the language and the attitude . Chris yelped with each swat and instantly regretted his words . After eight of the harder swats Leo paused to say , " It 's not just what you said Chris , it 's how you said it . I want to make sure you believe me when I tell you that I 'm listening not only to your words , but also to the things you don 't say . I need you to know that I 'm paying close attention to you , and I always will be . " " What you want isn 't always the same as what you need . " Leo started swatting again and said , " Every time you lie to me this is where we 're going to end up . Do you understand me ? " After a couple more swats Leo did stop . He let go of Chris ' wrist , patted his back , and pulled the boxers back up to let him know it was over . Chris wasn 't crying hard , but Leo was sure his point had been made . He heard a few sniffs and saw Chris wiping at his face a couple of times before pushing to stand up . Chris leaned down , untangled his pants from around his ankles , and pulled them back into place . Leo stood up and pulled Chris into a hug . Leo said , " Are you going to be able to forgive yourself and let go of some guilt ? " Chuckling , Leo let Chris go and said , " Live and learn son . I think most people have regretted drinking too much at one time or another . I know I have . " Chris nodded in understanding and said , " Right . Sometimes I forget how old you are , and that you used to be human . I have trouble imagining you in wartime . " Leo opened the bedroom door and they walked out . " For now , why don 't you come downstairs , eat your breakfast without the thoughts of last night hanging over your head , and then just spend the day with us . No demon fighting ; no whitelighter duties ; just spending time with me , your mom , and Wyatt . " Chris thought about telling his father that he was too old to get excited about going to the zoo , but that would be a lie , and he 'd had enough negative attention to last him a long time . Going on a family outing with just the four of them honestly did sound exciting to Chris , who hadn 't been to the zoo since he was twelve . And it was an outing that didn 't involve much sitting since they would most likely orb there and home . " That sounds nice . " Piper looked at Chris to see if he was okay . He gave her a half smile with a blush at the scrutiny . Piper could tell he was better then he had been before going upstairs , and turned to give her husband a glare as she said , " Your idea of a good time is having your eight months pregnant wife walking for hours on end while pushing a stroller ? And let 's not mention trying to keep my toddler , who won 't stay in the stroller for long , from orbing over the fences to get up close and personal with the animals ? " Chris felt a little bad for having not considered this , and was about to tell her they could do something else when Leo did something Chris found surprising . Leo went and wrapped his arms around Piper and kissed the frown off her lips . He said , " You 'll love it and you know it . " Chris watched as they kissed one more time and realized this was familiar . This was what things had been like between his parents when he had been little ; he had just forgotten . He closed his eyes for a second . He was almost afraid to think it , but was unable to stop himself from sending up a silent prayer that the future he went back to would see his parents alive , happy , and together . Piper headed out of the kitchen , while Chris picked up the muffin he had left on the table . He stood by the counter to finish eating , and Leo stood next to him to keep him company while Wyatt continued to play on the floor . Both Leo and Chris wished that the contented feeling they were experiencing could last forever . Email Author ( Feedback makes me happy . ) |
Zephyr Helene Evenstar set the last cooler in the back of the blue and white minibus . She took one more look at her packing job and gave a slight nod . Everything was in it 's place , and looked like it wouldn 't jostle too much . There wasn 't much - her sleeping bag , a few changes of clothes , her wet weather boots , and a few boxes filled with the belongings she had gathered over the years . Books , records , seashells , stones - all the trinkets that seem to follow even a nomad around after a while . Zephyr shut the door and adjusted the heavy white coat on her shoulders . It was not a heavy material - just a strong blend of linen and silk , with white embroidery in the front , and a long train in the back . The coat was something of a hybrid between a Nehru jacket and a tuxedo . The line of cloth buttons came right up to the high collar , and the waist came in just a bit , to fit her form . The back of the jacket extended all the way down to her ankles . The weight of the garment came from the design on the back . The coat was decorated - shoulders to knees - with gems and other precious stones . Sapphires , emeralds , polished amber beads , turquoise stones , rubies and diamonds were arranged in the shape of peacock feathers , sunbursts , flowers , geometric designs , and flowing art - deco style motifs . The heirloom had been passed to Zephyr with the admonition that she always wear it ( except while bathing , or hand - washing the coat ) , until the time came for her to add her own design to the bottom of the coat 's tail . Zephyr had already decided on a design , and had collected most of the stones and gems she would need to create it . All that remained was to find a companion to share her life and help bring forth an heir to pass the jacket to . She hadn 't fond anyone in all her travels thus far , but there was plenty of time to look . For now , all Zephyr wanted was to get back onto the open road after her extended stay in the Western states . Soon , Zephyr was humming along with her radio , feeling the wind in her long , sandy hair again , and smelling the hot , pungent air that she associated with summer traveling . She drove Eastward , determined to make her way toward the opposite coast - perhaps to Florida . She drove along the familiar road , taking a detour now and the when it felt right . The trip was comfortable , and serene , despite the heat . The chugging of her little van , the bumps on the road , ad the occasional sit - down she had with nature when she grew tired of driving , were all part of a kid of disorganized routine that she 'd grown accustomed to over the years . It wasn 't until Texas that the road trip took an unusual turn . It was in Texas that Zephyr first caught sight of The One . She didn 't know he was The One at first . He just looked like a weary traveler . He was tall and thin ( almost too thin ) , and his dark brown hair grew long and shaggy under his broad - brimmed cowboy hat . His unshaven face showed about three days ' worth of stubble , and he looked as if he might have been on the road several days more than that . His boots were completely covered with dust , and his ragged jeans , and sweat - soaked t - shirt seemed much the worse for wear . He stood on the side of the road , wiping the sweat from his brow with a once - white handkerchief , an army - style duffel bag leaning against his leg , and a guitar case resting in the dust beside him . He looked utterly exhausted , but despite the grime , and the world - weary face , Zephyr felt that she could see a beauty in the man , and it fascinated her . Zephyr parked the minibus a few yards from where the man rested . She grabbed three water bottles , and two of her bags of cheese and bread before stepping out of the van . The man looked at her inquisitively , and Zephyr smiled . His features were soft and kind looking , even though he seemed to regard her with confusion and a little bit of suspicion . " Are you headed east ? " Zephyr asked . " I have plenty of room . " He gazed at her for a few moments , summing her up , perhaps . Finally , he shook his head . " Thank you kindly , miss , " he said , in a soothing Texan tenor . " But I 'm headed the other way . " Zephyr 's smile faltered just a little , but she bypassed her feelings of disappointment , and took a step closer . She held out the water and the bags of food . " Please , take these , " she said . The man licked his lips at the sight of the water , but he restrained himself . He waved a hand , and shook his head . " I couldn 't take your food , " he said . " You need it . " Zephyr smiled back . " I won 't forget you , either , " she said . She looked at him for a few more seconds , memorizing his face . Zephyr turned away when he began to seem uncomfortable . She heard him gasp , and looked back to see him gazing at her , open mouthed - no doubt shocked by the sight of her heirloom coat . He closed his mouth when he saw her turn and lifted a hand in farewell . Zephyr waved back , climbed into the bus and drove on . She glanced at him several times , noting that he stood rooted to the spot until she couldn 't see him anymore . Mike shook his head as the VW bus passed out of sight . He took a swig of the cool water , smiling slightly at the memory of the strange girl with the bejeweled coat . She was like some kind of sprite , fluttering in from nowhere , then disappearing into the waves of heat coming up off the pavement . He was grateful for the food and water , but he wondered if he should have gone with her . Sure , it would have been backtracking , but the girl had been wearing God only knew how many thousands of dollars on her back . How much money must she have had in her pockets ? And to top it all off , the little sprite was kind of pretty . Mike sighed and shrugged his shoulders . Nothing he could do about it now . The girl had gone off to who knew where , and it was time he moved on to make his own fortune , and stop making a target for the vultures . He shouldered his bag , picked up the guitar that was to make him rich , and headed west . Three weeks after she met The One , Zephyr came across another man standing on the side of the road . This time , she was in Oklahoma , nearing the eastern edge . She 'd made several stops along the way . Part of her wondered if she was stalling from her east - bound destination , wondering if she should turn back and try to find that Texas Traveler . She kept on her way , though , sticking to her original plan . She found the second traveler walking to eastward , with his thumb held out . He , too , was rough and weather worn , looking as if he had been traveling for days . Zephyr stopped for the man . She didn 't find him as beautiful as the Texas Traveler , but he was tired , and he needed help . " Are you headed east ? " she asked . The Oklahoma traveler , who was as tall as the Texas man had been , but at least twice as broad , was a talkative individual . Zephyr listened to his boisterous chatter for several hours , nodding politely at various intervals and pauses in his speech . He didn 't seem very interested in knowing anything about Zephyr , but she soon knew much about his childhood , his old job , his ex - wife , and his reason for leaving town . Eventually , Sean , the Oklahoma man , took his boots off ( " hope you don 't mind " ) , lay back in his seat and fell asleep . Zephyr drove on , enjoying the precious quiet again , until she decided she was ready for a rest herself . The day had grown hot , and Zephyr was ready for a few minutes of cool shade and a bottle of water . She stopped the bus and climbed into the back , careful not to disturb her guest . She ate a square of cheese and a slice of bread , then took a few sips of water . She heard movement behind her , and turned to offer her guest some food . She gasped and shrank away . Sean held a hunting knife in one hand , and his already hard features were twisted into a grimace . " All right , girl . Gimme that jacket . " " I don 't give a damn who it belonged to ! Give it here , and you won 't get hurt . " He came closer to her , brandishing the knife . It was a lie , and she knew it . This man was evil , and whatever happened , she was going to get hurt . Zephyr began to tremble , and she tried desperately to think of something to do . Sean edged toward her , and suddenly , Zephyr grabbed the nearest thing to her - one of the meteorite rocks she 'd collected - and threw it as hard as she could at Sean 's head . He cried out just as she heard the rock connect . Zephyr sprang across the cabin and reached for the door . Before she could get out , Sean grabbed her arm and jerked her back away from the door . He hit her in the temple with the handle of his knife , and started undoing the buttons of her coat . Zephyr was dazed from the blow for a moment , but she struggled against him all the same , and her struggling grew more fierce as she felt the jacket being pulled away from her . She scratched at him , and kicked him as hard as she could . Sean growled and grew angrier . He beat her badly , hitting her across the face several times , and punching her shoulders and chest . Zephyr tried to defend herself and hold onto the jacket , but she was no match for the large man . He finally yanked the jacket away from her and raised his knife . Zephyr held up her shaking hands , certain now that he would stab her to death . " You 're lucky I don 't want to risk a murder charge , " he said , breathing hard . " But that don 't mean I can 't have a little fun with ya . " He grinned and cut her shirt open and ripping her bra away from her . Zephyr screamed and started to claw at Sean 's eyes , heedless of the damage she was risking from the knife . She knew she was getting cut , but she couldn 't feel anything . All she knew was fight . He tried to force her to stay down , but Zephyr continued to scratch like a mad cat , screaming , grabbing at things around her and striking at his face with them . The Oklahoma man was swearing and growing more and more angry . He sliced at her skirt , cutting it and her underwear off , and cutting her leg in the process . He had to back away from her so that he could try to get his pants undone , and he took his attention away from Zephyr for a split - second to do so . That second was enough . Zephyr reached for the heaviest thing she could find - her piece of white granite from the rest stop before last . She heaved it directly at Sean 's exposed erection , eliciting a deafening scream . He bent double , still screaming in agony , and Zephyr searched for some kind of clothing . Before she could find anything , Zephyr heard Sean moving again . She turned in time to see the knife coming down . She jerked away , and he caught her in the shoulder instead of the chest . Zephyr screamed at the white - hot pain in her arm . Sean had lost his grip on the knife , and it protruded from her arm , causing her panic level to rise even higher . Sean didn 't bother to try to recover the knife . He punched her again and again , his fury pushing him to hit her harder with each new strike . Zephyr resisted as best she could , but she was already exhausted , and now her right arm was useless . Eventually , her good arm fell to her side , and she lost consciousness . When Zephyr awoke , she was lying in a ditch by the side of the highway , half covered by a clump of bushes . The air was hot and heavy , and the sun beat down on her uncovered face . Her head , arms and chest ached , and she could barely move . The knife was gone from her arm , but thinking about the wound made it scream out even louder than the bruises on her face and the rest of her upper body . Zephyr did a mental examination of the rest of her body , almost afraid of what she would find . Her right leg hurt badly from the cut he 'd given her , and parts of her legs were scratched by the bushes . She didn 't feel any unusual pain between her legs , and she thanked all powers that apparently Sean had decided to ditch her without raping her while she was unconscious . The relief was almost immediately drowned out by shock and fear . Her body began to shake , and tears came to her eyes . What now ? She knew her vehicle was gone , all her belongings had been stolen , and she didn 't even have the clothes on her back . Worse than all that was the knowledge that her heirloom coat was also gone . It had been passed down over seven generations , and now it was probably in shreds , while the gems were being pawned off at some corner shop along the road . Zephyr choked back a sob at the image , and forced herself to remember that she had at least managed to survive . How long that would last , when she had no food , water or shelter , and the temperature must be nearing 110 degrees , she didn 't know . The thought of getting up and trying to find help from some random person on the highway made her shudder . What if she found someone as bad as Sean had been . She would be worse off than before . At least in her minibus , she 'd had makeshift weapons . Now , she was utterly defenseless . She spent the next several minutes trying to convince herself that she should really do something besides lay in the dirt and cry . When it seemed that she had exhausted any further tears , Zephyr attempted to sit up , wincing with the effort . She had managed to roll to one side when she heard a car door slam , and the sound of footsteps approaching . Zephyr froze in terror , her heart pounding . Was it Sean , come back to finish the job ? Some other maniac ready to take advantage of her and leave her to die , again ? Despite her panic , Zephyr was too weak and sore to try to take cover somewhere farther away from the road . She lay on her side , forcing herself to stay perfectly still , as the footsteps grew nearer . Finally , a blonde man wearing moccasin boots , tight brown pants and a cream - colored tunic trotted down the embankment and took a brief look around . He did a double take when he saw Zephyr , and his expression changed from one of pleased curiosity to one of complete horror . " Oh my God , " he exclaimed , his voice sounding slightly airy . He approached her slowly , cautiously , and Zephyr found it hard to stay still . The blonde knelt down beside her and tentatively reached a hand toward her . Zephyr couldn 't take it any longer . She drew back sharply , and the man jumped and cried out in surprise . " Oh , thank God you 're alive , " he said . Zephyr tried to sit up again , her body shaking from the exertion , and from fear of the new stranger . " Please , " she said in a low , tremulous voice . " Don 't - " " It 's okay , " the blonde man said in a deep , soft voice . " I 'm not going to hurt you , miss . " He gently reached out and put an arm around her and helped her to sit up . He made sure she could stay up on her own for a moment , then took off his own tunic and helped her into it . " Is that better ? " he asked , his voice still soothing and soft . Zephyr nodded slowly . " Th - thank you very m - much , sir , " she said . He had given her the very shirt off his back . Perhaps things were going to be okay now . Or maybe he was just being sweet at the beginning , and he planned to show his true colors later . Zephyr shuddered , and the man held her just a little more tightly . " Okay , " she said , her voice still shaking . Carefully , and very gently , Peter eased Zephyr away from the bushes . He pulled the tunic down to cover her nakedness , then lifted her up . He carried her out of the ditch , and toward a brown and white conversion van , somewhat dusty from the road . He set her on her feet long enough to open the side doors , then helped her to climb inside . He gestured for her to lay down on the small mattress against the far wall of the cabin , then pulled a soft flannel cloth over her to serve as a blanket . " Okay , sweetheart , " he said with a warm smile . " I have some first aid stuff in here , but I have to take care of one thing first , okay ? Just sit tight . " Zephyr nodded , and Peter hopped back out of the van and trotted down the embankment . He spent a few moments down there , probably taking his interrupted bathroom break . While he was gone , Zephyr took a look around . It seemed clear that Peter lived in this van . The cabin was decorated with a few pictures , some beaded hangings and a crystal chime . There were a couple of boxes on the floor , several gallons of water , and a few cloth grocery bags filled with stores , as well as a guitar case , tied to the wall for security . It all reminded Zephyr of her minibus , and she felt tears forming at the realization of all she 'd lost . Peter came back in the middle of her breakdown . He sat beside her on the floor , looking very much as if he might cry , too . " I 'm sorry , sweetheart , " he said soothingly . " But you 're safe now . Whoever did this to you … well , he 's gone now . I 'm here , and if you tell me where you live , I 'll get you home . " Zephyr began to cry harder , and Peter gave her a confused frown . " I d - don 't have a home anymore , " she sobbed . " I lived in m - my van , like you . " Peter groaned and looked around at his home , as if trying to imagine what it would be like to lose it all . When he looked back down at her , his eyes were shining . " I 'm so sorry , " he said . Zephyr nodded , struggling to control her tears . Peter drew her close , so that her head rested in his lap , and Zephyr gave up all pretense of trying to calm down . She buried her face in the bare abdomen of the kind stranger and let herself cry . He held her tightly ad gently stroked her hair until she finally grew still . Peter produced a handful of tissues and rooted around under the passenger seat while Zephyr dried her tears . He brought out a large metal lunchbox . He washed his hands with soap and some of his bottled water , then opened the tin box and started pulling out gauze , cotton and alcohol . Apologetically , he took the tunic back off of her , and started to clean and bandage all her wounds . Her arms were the worse off , thanks to the many cuts she 'd received while trying to defend herself against Sean . Her forearms ended up completely wrapped in gauze . He shook his head at the deep wound in her shoulder . " You might need to go to the hospital for this one , " he said . " I could stitch it for you , but … I don 't have any anesthetics . " " They 'll still treat you in an emergency , I think , " he said . " Besides , you … you should probably see a nurse about … " He looked uncomfortable , and seemed to be trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say . " If … if he raped you , you should get checked out . " " Ah , " Peter said , looking relieved . " Good for you . " Zephyr was pleased by his praise , and by his obvious discomfort with the idea of someone raping her . It made it seem all the less likely that he was hiding some inner maniac , waiting to spring on her when she got comfortable . " Well , if you 'd rather I do it , I 'll go ahead and work on your shoulder for you . " Zephyr nodded , and Peter cleaned the deep wound and stitched it for her , giving her a heavy cloth to bite on while he worked . When the wounds on her upper body were done , Peter gave her back the tunic , and tended to the scratches on her legs . He made sure that the blanket covered her waist , bandaged the gash on her thigh , and cleaned all the little scrapes and scratches she 'd gotten from the bushes . When he was finished , Peter searched some of his boxes , and found a pair of drawstring pants for her to wear . He sat in the front seat and refused to look at her while she put the pants on , even though he 'd already seen her completely naked . The gesture endeared him to her even more . The waist of the pants fit a little too large , but with the drawstring , it was perfect . The legs , however , were made for a man about seven inches taller than her , and she had to fold them over several times so that they wouldn 't drag under her feet . She giggled at herself and joined Peter in the front , taking the passenger seat . He blushed . " It 's okay , " he said . " I 'm just glad I pulled over where I did . " Zephyr nodded , and Peter cleared his throat . " Listen , um … me and the heat don 't get along too well . But I 'll take you to the nearest station so you can report this . They might be able to help you get your van back . " " Thank you , " she said , filled with gratitude . Peter drove eastward , the direction Zephyr guessed Sean would be heading , and took her to the nearest police station . He even came in with her , braving the snickers and frowns he received for having hair well past his collar . He averted a minor panic attack when the reporting officer asked for contact information , by providing the name and number of a friend living in Oklahoma . He 'd just come from there , and he knew that the friend would be available to help them if the officers found the car . They seemed doubtful about the existence of Zephyr 's coat , but they added it to the list of stolen goods just the same . When the report had been filed , Zephyr followed Peter to his van . She hesitated when he opened the door for her , and he looked questioningly at her . " What 's the matter ? " " But I have nothing to give you ! I can 't just eat your food , drink your water , and … live in your space and give you nothing in return . I … I 'm sure there 's some kind of shelter around here , and … " Peter shook his head and put his hands on her shoulders . " You 're giving me someone to talk to , " he said . " And how could I just leave you here , with nowhere to go , and no one to help you ? I can 't do that , Zephyr . I can 't . " Zephyr 's lip trembled , and she feared that she might start to cry again . " Come on , " Peter said . " If you want me to , I 'll give you a job , and you can get paid room and board . Such as it is . " Zephyr climbed into the van , and they started on their way . They found a general store , and Peter bought a few more food items . He also found two long skirts , and two tank tops for Zephyr . She protested , but he insisted on buying them , telling her that she couldn 't wear his pants forever , and he was going to want his shirt back eventually . He also found some underwear and a bra for her , for a decent price . Zephyr was embarrassed by the money he was spending on her , when he obviously didn 't have a job , but he refused to let her mention it . He set her to work at her first " job " , organizing the stores , and finding a place for her new belongings . Zephyr put everything neatly in its place , feeling a warmth swell inside when she put her new clothes on , and stored the rest in one of Peter 's cardboard boxes . She owned something , and she had a place - however minuscule . It was heartwarming that this gallant young bohemian had made room for her in his life . They tooled along in the general direction of Arkansas for a while , stopping for the night at a rest area along the border . Zephyr made their dinner of peanut butter sandwiches , a few pieces of fruit and two cups of Peter 's bottled water . She set it on Peter 's tin camping dish set , and they sat on the floor of the van , a cardboard box for a table between them . Peter set his flashlight down so that the light hit the roof of the car , and created a warm glow in the little room , and asked her to tell him how she ended up in a ditch alongside the I - 40 . Zephyr told him about the hitchhiker , and the coat , and her narrow escape from rape and death . Peter expressed varying degrees of horror , outrage and sympathy throughout the story . When she finished her story , she asked Peter where he was headed . " I 'm making my way East , in general , " he said . " But I have no particular destination . See , I 'm looking for a friend of mine . I thought sure he 'd be somewhere in Texas , but I didn 't find him there . I haven 't found him in Oklahoma either . I 'm going to try Arkansas next , and maybe then head north for a bit . " Peter blushed deeply , and shrugged ever so slightly . " He was … we … well … we were very close , " he said softly . He cleared his throat and looked up from his plate . " We were in the same army regimen , " he said . " We … we defected together . That 's why I tend to stay away from cops . We split up so it would be harder for them to catch us . But now , I think it 's been long enough . I 'd like to find him again , and … you know . Catch up , I guess . " Zephyr smiled . There was a light in Peter 's eyes , and love in his voice when he spoke about his friend . Zephyr wasn 't quite sure it was all platonic , either , but it didn 't make any difference to her . Peter was the kindest soul she 'd ever met , and if it would make him happy to find his friend , then it was what she wanted for him most in all the world . " What does he look like , " Zephyr asked . Peter smiled . " He 's tall - maybe two inches taller than me . Very slim , with dark wavy hair , smooth , gentle hands , a beautiful voice , and … " Peter blushed again , and stopped his description . Now Zephyr was certain that the love was not of a brotherly nature . She smiled encouragingly at him , and he seemed to relax a bit . " Hey , would you like to see a picture ? " " Yes , I would , " she said eagerly . Peter unfurled himself and crawled over to the area where he had his small pictures hanging and picked up a short , wide box . He opened it and pulled out a fairly large picture of two men in army uniforms , one with his head on the shoulder of the other . Zephyr gasped when she realized that she recognized both men . The shorter one , with his head against the other man 's shoulder , was Peter , looking a little strange with his hair in a buzz cut . The taller man was also close cut , but his face was unmistakable . " Texas Traveler ! " Zephyr exclaimed . " It was just three weeks ago . I was in the Texas panhandle , and he was resting on the side of the road . " Zephyr beamed . " He was something beautiful standing there , " she said wistfully . " I gave him some food and water . " " He looked very good , " Zephyr said . " He seemed very well , when I saw him . He didn 't tell me where he was going , but he did say he was headed west . " Peter laughed and held a hand to his head . " Of course ! I should have known . He always did say the east coast was too crowded for him . He 's a bit of a loner . " Her smile widened . He 's the One , she thought . The one to share my life . She grew sad for a moment , when she thought that she wouldn 't be able to pass on the heirloom jacket to her child . She quickly pushed the thought away , and focused on Mike . " I wish I could see him again , " she said . " Will you take me to meet him , Peter ? " Peter looked slightly hesitant , and Zephyr thought she could see a hint of jealousy in his eyes . " Oh . I … " Zephyr could feel herself blushing . She didn 't want to offend Peter by saying the wrong thing , but she didn 't want him to be jealous of her either . Besides the fact that he was the only thing standing between her and utter destitution , she liked him . She didn 't want anything to come between them . " I … I know you two must be very close , " she said , choosing her words carefully . " And I just want you to know that I would never interfere with that , Peter . " Peter smiled at her , his expression bright again . Impulsively , he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek . " You 're the best , Zephyr . The absolute best . " " Hey ! You 're not freeloading , you 're working . What would I do without a Head Chef , and Mistress of Organization ? " Zephyr giggled at the official sounding title , and set to work clearing away the dinner things . When she finished , Peter brought out his guitar and played a few folk tunes for her . She began to feel the weight of the day 's adventures heavily on her , and she started to doze off . She was vaguely aware of Peter 's playing growing softer and more mellow , and later , of warm hands , guiding her to the mattress . She forced her eyes open long enough to see Peter lay down on the floor of the van next to the mattress , but before she could tell him to take the bed instead , she had fallen fast asleep . Mike tipped his hat to the truck driver and turned away to keep from swallowing a mouthful of dust as the big rig rolled away . He had been dropped just outside Los Angeles County , and had only to make it a few more miles ( all things considered ) before he reached the heart of movietown . He wasn 't interested in becoming a film giant in the least . It was the music scene he was after . He planned on trying to get into a club somewhere , and slowly integrating some of his new music in between standards and requests . Hopefully , someone with influence would hear him , and he would move up from there . Mike walked along the road , holding his thumb out to any car that passed him by . It was hours before he found another ride , and he had to give the man his last five dollars for gas money . Still , the ride got him right into town , and he applied to a local YMCA to get cleaned up and presentable . He shaved , clipped his hair back to his comfortable length ( just above the collar ) , and stayed under the steaming shower water for a good 45 minutes , scalding away the grit and grime of too many weeks on the road . Mike took in his own reflection , taking in the lean , drawn face , and tired eyes . " You wanted to be a musician , " he said to himself . " Now 's your chance to starve for your art . " He gathered his belongings and crashed on a free cot for the next 14 hours . When he awoke , Mike began to make the club circuit . He was rejected by every place he tried , most of them before they 'd even given him a chance to play . He took it in his stride , moving on to the next without so much as a backward glance . After two weeks ' worth of rejection , Mike was beginning to feel a little discouraged . He tried different parts of the city , and he managed to get an odd job here and there , playing one night stands for country - western clubs . But his attempts to add a little rock to his country were usually met with the proverbial pink slip , and he began to grow restless with the monotonous gigs . Mike tried to tell himself that a paying gig was a paying gig , but he wanted to work on his own music , and making ends meet was getting in the way of that . After he 'd exhausted his stay at the third YMCA he 'd found , he 'd bee forced to find a day job to help pay for his hotel rent . He found a job as a stocker at a large supermarket , working early morning hours , and spent the afternoon and evening trying to catch a break . After six months of struggling , Mike finally caught the break he was looking for . A music producer heard him performing at one of the myriad night clubs he 'd found to play . He was pulled aside by the producer on his way off stage , and offered a chance to play for two other producers at a recording studio . Mike tried , but he couldn 't contain his excitement . He pumped the producer 's hand up and down vigorously , and thanked him profusely for the opportunity . Mike played hookie from work for the next two days so that he could focus on his playing . He practiced until his fingers cramped , shook them out for a few minutes , then practiced some more . Finally , the big day came . Mike wore the nicest clothes he owned , black slacks and a white dress shirt . He went to the address Mr . Crane had given him , and put his name in with the secretary . After fifteen stress - filled minutes , Mr . Crane 's secretary called him in . Mike was show into a large office , a table at one end , behind which were seated three men in business suits . One of them stood up and shook Mike 's hand . " Hello Mike . " " This is Mr . Davis and Mr . Thornworth . " Mike shook hands with the other two men , and Crane asked him to sit in the single chair in front of the desk . " Well , gentlemen , this is the young man I told you about . He 's got quite a nice sound , and I think you 're going to like him . Go on , Nesmuth . Play for us . " " That 's … " Mike shook his head and decided to let it go . He was more nervous than he 'd ever been , and he didn 't want them to think he was a smartass . He played one of his own songs for them - choosing something that showed off his vocal range , and had a somewhat difficult guitar riff at the bridge . He kept his eyes off of the men at the table , not wanting to make himself any more nervous . Mike was greeted with thunderous applause from the three businessmen . He looked up with wonder in his eyes , and a smile growing broader and broader as they showered him with praise . " Magnificent ! Wonderful ! You were right Perry , this kid 's got something . " Mike shook hands with the men again after they 'd calmed down , and Crane showed him to the door . " Listen up , son , " he said . " We 're going to put our heads together , and see what we think . We have a couple of other people to listen to , but you heard the others . They like you a lot , and I think you 've really got a chance . If you don 't hear from us by tomorrow morning , call in to Regina there , and have her pull me out of whatever I 'm doing , understand ? " Mike wasn 't sure how he got home that afternoon . His head was in the clouds , and he couldn 't stop smiling . Finally things were looking up . Not one , but three producers had listened to him , and what 's more , they 'd LIKED his music . What if it led to a record contract ? Mike tried to calm down . There was no reason to go getting his hopes up so high . What if they didn 't even call him back ? The thought made his stomach hurt , and he shoved it aside in favor of the high hopes . Mike didn 't sleep all that night . He lay down in the bed for a few hours , tossing and turning , vacillating between hope and sheer panic . When , at 8 : 00 AM sharp , the phone rang , Mike had already been sitting beside it for two and a half hours . He snatched up the receiver , breathed , and said in a calm voice , " Mike Nesmith speaking . " " I 'm on my way , thank you , ma ' am . " Mike disconnected the call and let out a triumphant whoop . He grabbed his guitar and ran down to the bus stop . He made it to the office twenty minutes early . He was shown directly into the room with Mr . Crane and the other producers . They sat him down in front of the desk for a serious talk . " I want you to know , Nismath , that you have faced some extremely strenuous competition . " Mike raised a hand , then gave up when Crane just pressed right on with his speech . " We auditioned over three hundred musicians , many of which were very talented . " Mike nodded , trying not to show his impatience . What did all this mean ? Was he trying to let him down easy , or boost his ego ? " We 've decided , " Mr . Crane said , with a dramatic glance at Mr . Davis and Mr . Thornworth , " that we would like you to record an album for us . " " That 's right , Mike , " Thornworth said . " We 've already had the papers drawn up . All you have to do is sign , and we 'll get you set up . " Davis slid the contract toward Mike . " Yes , of course , the head shots , " he said loudly . Mike looked at the contract with wide eyes . It was a dream to see it - a real live dream come true . He tried to look over the terms of the contract , but the producers all began talking at once about what he would do when he started rehearsal , what he would wear to interviews , and how he would like working with professional session musicians . There was so much noise that Mike couldn 't fully concentrate on what he was reading . He scanned the pages , making sure nothing jumped out at him that said , " all your original songs belong to us " , but beyond that , he didn 't get to focus on much else . After a few more seconds of confusion , Mike was directed to the signature page , and asked to sign on the dotted line . Mike signed the paper , and received the warmest congratulations , with hand shakes all around . The next several weeks were spent in a whirlwind of activity . Mike was in the recording studio almost every day for the first three weeks . He was given a song list by Crane , and told to spice it up with a couple of his own songs . When Mike asked why more of the songs couldn 't be ones he had written to show of his writing talents , Crane told him that it was just how the first album worked . They wanted to get the public used to his face and voice first , before bombarding them with an album entirely made up of new material . Mike accepted the explanation and continued to record . When the taping was done , Mike was taken out of the studio and given a new wardrobe to begin his photo sets . He was powdered , plucked and coiffed like he imagined a movie star might be , and professional photographers took pictures of Mike from every conceivable angle . They gave him the proofs to approve or disapprove , with the help of his enthusiastic producer . After a total of three months , it was time for the album 's release . Mike was given a progress report on all the things that were being done to promote the album . They were going to start promoting in Tennessee , just to test the waters in a state that was more accepting , on the whole , of country music . As the day approached , Mike grew more and more excited . He found himself wishing that he could call his friends and family , and tell them what was happening . It had been strongly suggested , however , that Mike not tell anyone yet , since the album was not going to be advertised nationally at first . Mike had managed to keep himself from calling anyone , but he found himself thinking about all the people he should be telling about his success . He thought about his mother most , but he found himself thinking about Peter far more than usual . Peter was never very far from his mind , but now , more than ever , he wished he could talk to the sweet young man and see the bright , dimpled smile that he knew Peter would give him if he knew that Mike was about to win the success they 'd both dreamed about back in their army days . Finally , the day of Mike 's album debut arrived . Mike waited by the phone for a progress report from Mr . Crane , or his staff . He was surprised when , by noon , he still hadn 't heard anything . This was the first day in three months that Mike didn 't receive a call from the studio . Mike paced in front of the phone for the next hour or so . When he couldn 't take it anymore , Mike headed for the studio . He was made to wait much longer than usual , and he began to feel nervous and edgy . When he was finally shown into Mr . Crane 's office , the warm smiles he was accustomed to were gone . Crane was alone , sitting at his desk with what looked like Mike 's contract on the desk in front of him . He looked up when Mike entered and frowned slightly . " The album 's a flop , " Crane said harshly . " And if Tennessee wouldn 't have it , we 're not going to be able to keep you on . You 're out , Nasmet . " You 're out . You 're out . Washed up . Album 's a flop . Mike drove the echoes out of his mind and looked up at Crane 's smug face . That wasn 't a look that should be on the face of someone who had " big hopes " for his pet project . Mike Nesmith smelled a rat . " It 's Nesmith , " Mike snapped . " And I don 't wanna see the mock - up , I wanna see the AD . The REAL thing ! " Crane glared . " Look , kid , " he said in a low voice . " I don 't like what you 're insinuating . Don 't blame ME if you couldn 't cut it in the real world ! What you need to be thinking about right now is how you 're going to pay me for all my services . " " Whadda ya mean , PAY you ! You screwed me over , Crane ! I busted my ass for this album , and you can 't prove you even tried to promote it . " " New clothes , hair stylists , marketing strategists , technical personnel , a three - week ad campaign " Crane bellowed . " Not to mention the cost of making 10 , 000 copies of your album . You owe me over $ 6 , 000 , Nismuth ! " " SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS ? ? ? " Mike jumped to his feet . " Are you out of your MIND ? Hell , I haven 't even seen proof that you made that many copies of my record . I 've seen a total of four and stacks of almbum covers that coulda had anything inside ! And your so - called ad campaign 's made outta hot air , too ! " Crane stood up and stepped around his desk , moving in on Mike 's personal space . " You don 't have a leg to stand on , hick , " he snapped . " You have no proof , no defense , and no talent . Now you 'd better stop being a jerk and tell me how you expect to pay ! " He accented his last word with a poke to Mike 's chest . Mike grabbed Crane 's hand tight enough to hurt and shoved it away , blood boiling . " You better keep your god damned hands off me , unless you want a broken finger , " he growled . " I know what you think , you slimy son of a bitch . You think you caught yourself a rube . Pluck a dumb kid off the street and make a joke out of him , then charge him for it ! Well , I ain 't buyin ' it . You can take your phony record label , and your ads , and your photo shoots , and your six thousand dollars , and you can shove them all up your tight ass ! " Mike turned and stormed toward the door . " Stop . " The word was spoken calmly , but with such authority that , pissed as he was , Mike stopped and turned to look at Crane . " Aren 't you forgetting something ? " He stepped aside and tapped the contract sitting on his desk . Mike swallowed , an icy , sour feeling growing in the pit of his stomach . " You might want to take a look at page 43 . " Mike gritted his teeth and walked slowly back to the desk . He took the document and turned to the indicated page . The icy sourness in his stomach grew , threatening to take over his whole body . " The Undersigned assumes full financial responsibility for services rendered , up to and including utilization of equipment , printing costs , personnel assistance , and any and all ancillary materials or services , the nature of which will be determined by the Lead Producer of aforementioned project . The Undersigned assumes full financial responsibility for the aforementioned products and services , regardless of the success of aforementioned project . " Mike stared at the statement , reading it over again , and again , staring at his own signature at the bottom . After a few moments , he noticed that for some reason , the paper seemed to be vibrating . It took a moment for him to register the fact that it was his own hands trembling that were causing the contract to rattle . He licked his trembling lips , and struggled not to panic . " Sit down , Nesmith . " Mike stepped back and slowly sat back down , too shell shocked to even register that Crane had actually said his name right . " You 're a nice kid , " Crane said , his friendly tone and expression back . " You were upset . You lost your temper . No big deal , " he said with a broad , expansive gesture . " In fact , you 're such a good kid that I think I want to give you a break . " Mike looked attentively at him , feeling very much as if the black hood of the executioner was about to be pulled over his head . " I 'm going to let you play for me at my club down on the strip . If you play six nights a week , you should be done paying me back in about a year and a half . " Mike was already shaking his head . He had no idea what he was going to do , but he couldn 't let himself be tied to a snake for the next eighteen months . He could already see how it would work . Six nights a week would turn into seven nights , the odd afternoon performance , session work for the next poor sap he yanked in off the street , all for the same pitiful wage . Then there would be some confusion at the end of his indentured servitude . Did he really work that week ? Had he been sick for a few days in January ? Let 's just tack on another two months to be sure we 're even . " I can 't make that , man , " he said . " I won 't do it . " Crane jumped from his seat , his face bright red with his fury . " It 's not as if you have a CHOICE , you little punk ! " he shouted . " You signed a contract , and - " " And I 'll honor it , " Mike said , standing up himself . " You 're real good , Crane . You got over on me once , and now I owe you . There 's nothing I can do about that . But I won 't let you turn me into your personal slave . " Crane sputtered , but Mike cut him off before he could form a sentence . " Eight months from now , I 'll bring you $ 3 , 000 , and that will settle us . " Mike held up his hand , and Crane stopped speaking . " You didn 't advertise my album . I may not have any evidence , but you don 't have any proof that you did it , so I don 't owe you for that . I have one copy of my album , and unless you produce the other nine thousand ninety - nine copies , I don 't owe you for that either . " Mike paused , but Crane didn 't argue . Mike stood just a bit taller , having gained at least one point in this hideous game . " Three thousand , " he said firmly . " That 's it . And I want it in writing , Crane . This time with your signature on it . " Mike studied him for a moment . " Three thousand five hundred , " he said at last . " You won 't get a cent more than that . And you can 't sue someone you can 't find . " Crane looked disgusted . He looked down at the contract , and back up at Mike , much like he couldn 't decide whether he wanted to strike him or not . After a few more seconds , he called in his secretary and told her to draw up an agreement according to Mike 's specifications . In thirty minutes , a simple contract was set before the two men , stating the debt Mike owed to the company , and when the debt would be paid . Mike waited for Crane to sign it , before affixing his own signature . He then asked Miss Ward to sign at the bottom as a witness . She looked questioningly at Mr . Crane , and he nodded . She signed her name at the bottom , and Mike picked up the contract . " Thank you , Miss Ward , " he said . " Now , will you please make a copy of this for Mr . Crane here ? " With a hesitant glance at her boss , the secretary left the room and made a copy of the contract . She handed them both to Mike , and he set the copy on Crane 's desk . Without a word , he turned and walked away . Mike turned back , recognizing Crane 's words as an effort to save face , but unable to let it go . " It 's Nesmith , fella . N E S M I T H . Get it straight . And don 't worry . I 'll be back with your money . I actually know what honor is . " Mike took in the irate but dumbfounded look on Mr . Crane 's face for a moment , before leaving the room . He didn 't bother to slam the door . He tipped his hat to Regina on his way out . " Pleasure knowing you , Miss Ward . " If he 'd had the strength , he would have told her it wasn 't her fault and she shouldn 't be ashamed , but he needed all his concentration to make it out of the building with what little dignity he had left . He made it down the elevator , out the door , and walked away . When he was out of sight of the building , Mike felt a violent shudder course through his body . He stopped walking and bent forward , resting his hands on his knees , fighting waves of vertigo and nausea . Suddenly , his stomach heaved , and he lost that morning 's breakfast to the pavement . He was vaguely aware of a few shocked cries , and feet skittering away from him . He stood staring at the former contents of his stomach , wondering if he had the strength to stand . Mike forced himself to straighten up , and walked to the nearest bus stop . He managed to make it back to his hotel room without any further mishaps . He shut the door behind him and sat down heavily on the bed . He looked around the room , trying to get a grip on what had just happened to him . He 'd gone from the top of the world to the absolute bottom in a matter of hours . No job , only about $ 100 dollars saved against a debt of several thousand , and worst of all , no more music career . The sweet victory of having finally made it had turned harsh and bitter in his mouth . Even though he knew that no one had even heard his work , the insults Crane had thrown at him still rung in his ears , beating him down long after he 'd left the man 's presence . Washed up . Flop . Loser . No talent . Mike could feel a tightening in his chest , and a lump developing in his throat . He collapsed back on the bed and stared at the ceiling , watching the white stucco grow blurry as tears filled his eyes . " How could you be so STUPID ? " he asked himself . Now , the thought of his family and friends seeing his fall made his stomach churn , and he was glad he 'd refrained from calling anyone to tell them the great news . After a few long , miserable hours , Mike forced himself to sit up and get hold of himself . He brushed the tears from his eyes , looked around the room , and got to work . First , he gathered all the clothes that he 'd bought on Crane 's payroll and took them back to the department store , along with all of the other unnecessary items he 'd bought over the last few months . His decorations , the picture frame he 'd used to display his picture of Peter from back at the barracks , his radio and tape recorder - all went back to the store . Next , Mike went back to speak to his old manager about getting his job back at the supermarket . He 'd been so excited about the job at the studio , that he 'd only given two day 's notice before leaving , and he was afraid that the manager would hold it against him . Fortunately , his fears were unfounded . The manager had been happy with his work and impressed with his dedication before , and he was re - instated at the same salary , no questions asked . Mike 's relief and gratitude were so great that the manager asked him if he had fallen on hard times . Mike answered truthfully , without giving too many details , and his manager offered to let him pull double shifts whenever they were available . Even with the extra hours , Mike knew that he wouldn 't have enough to pay Crane by the deadline and eat , too . Mike took a second job busing tables at a restaurant a few miles from the hotel . In addition to his two full time jobs , Mike found other work to do in his few off hours . His manager let him cut grass and pull weeds twice a month , and even spoke to a few of his neighbors and got him similar work with them . He delivered the odd package here and there , and even babysat for several of the waitresses at the restaurant so they could spend time alone with friends or husbands . After two months of working countless jobs and only being able to save a few hundred dollars , Mike was forced to face the fact that he still wouldn 't be able to pay off his debt on time . He packed his duffel , the contract , and his guitar and gave up the key to his hotel room . He sought out another YMCA , hoping they would let him stay as long as he needed . He was only there a few hours a day to sleep anyway . He stopped buying food , surviving off the two meals he got free with his employment at the restaurant . He never bought anything except soap and razors to make sure he stayed presentable at his jobs . At long last , with three days to spare , Mike counted out exactly $ 3 , 674 . 26 . He separated Crane 's $ 3 , 500 , put the rest away , and headed once again for the producer 's office . He nodded at Regina , who seemed shocked to see him . Crane was in a meeting when Mike arrived , and he waited outside the office , gripping the heavy envelope tightly . After a few minutes , Mike heard the sound of a strong voice , singing a playful folk tune to the sound of some extremely agile banjo picking . Mike found himself bobbing his head to the music . When it stopped , he heard thunderous applause , and the sounds of loud praise and congratulations . He frowned , and glanced at Regina , who blushed and averted her eyes . Mike watched with mounting fury while a smartly dressed colored man of about fifty - five came out of the office , shaking hands with Mr . Davis and smiling broadly . Mike scowled at Davis , who seemed startled to see him sitting there . The banjo player walked out of the office , high as a kite . Mike glared toward Davis and hopped up , trotting out after the other musician . " Excuse me , sir . " " Experience , sir , " Mike answered . He sighed , hating to be the one to have to burst this man 's hopes . But he would hate it more if he just stood by and let someone else get stuck in Crane 's web . " They told you you had a lot of promise , right ? Lots of talent ? Maybe even record an album ? " The man nodded slowly , suddenly looking crestfallen and deflated . " I 'm sorry , sir , " Mike said . " But it 's a sham . They 're takin ' me for everything I 've got , and I … well I just wouldn 't want to see you get stuck . I heard you in there , and you 've got a lot goin ' . Don 't waste it on them . " The man sighed , and straightened , already recovering from the blow . He held out a hand , but before Mike could take it , the office door burst open , and Mr . Davis stepped out . " Hey , you ! " he snapped . " Stop bothering my client , you hear ? Don 't mind anything he says , Johnny . No talent kid 's got a chip on his shoulder . " Johnny smiled at Mr . Davis . " Yes , sir , Mr . Davis . I know the type . " Davis sneered at Mike and went back inside . When he was gone , Johnny touched Mike 's shoulder and extended his hand . " What 's your name , son ? " he asked , shaking Mike 's hand firmly . Mike watched Mr . Benson walk away , feeling good about himself for having saved one person from the utter heartbreak he 'd had to endure . He strode back into the foyer and walked directly into Crane 's office . Crane looked up and his lip curled in distaste . " I heard you were - " " Save it , Crane , " Mike snapped . He slammed the envelope onto Crane 's desk , moving it back slightly when the man reached for it . " Gimme my contract . " Crane glared and rifled through a file cabinet , finally pulling out the hated contract . He tossed it to Mike across the table . Mike looked it over , making sure it was the original , then released the envelope . He waited while Crane counted out the small change , then presented their second agreement to him . He wrote " PAID " in large letters on the bottom of the contract , and handed the pen to Crane . " Sign it . " Crane sighed and scribbled his signature on the contract . Mike snatched it up , and glared down at the so - called producer . " Now , you 're done with me . And I 'm almost done with you . " Mike ignored him , taking his documents and striding out of the office , allowing himself a slight smile at the sound of Crane sputtering for him to wait . Mike found a pay phone and made a call to the musicians union , then to the Better Business Bureau , giving them a few details about Mr . Crane 's business practices . He spent a little over an hour drafting letters to both institutions , as well as to as many record labels and newspaper offices he could find the addresses for . He spent a portion of his precious $ 174 . 26 on stamps , and shipped everything off to the post office . That done , Mike went back to the Y and collapsed onto his cot . He felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his chest , now that the cloud of his debt was gone , but he was still exhausted . He closed his eyes for a few moments , only to wake up hours later , having missed his evening shift at the restaurant . Mike sighed and got up , knowing that he wasn 't really supposed to be sleeping there during the day . He took his duffel bag and his guitar , and rode the bus down to the ocean . He sat on the beach , watching the sun set , taking stock of his situation . He wasn 't happy here , that was certain . The whole city just seemed to remind him of his failure , and of the fact that he 'd been duped by a smooth talking swindler . The thought of leaving pained him deeply . It felt like giving in - letting Them win . But he wasn 't going to get anywhere until some of the dust settled . He could imagine how hard it would be to get work , with Crane whispering here and there that he was trouble . Even if his letters somehow put Crane out of business , it would still leave a shadow over him . Besides that , he was just tired . Tired of working nineteen hours a day . Tired of coming home to a cold room , in a dirty , bustling city . Tired of the race to the top , which had only landed him flat on his face . Mike left the beach as the sun finally sank below the horizon . He found a pay phone and called his manager at the restaurant . Family emergency , very sorry , thanks for everything . He called the manager of his store , but didn 't get away so easily . He told Adam the truth about his plans , and the manager insisted on coming down to pick him up . He came bearing gifts - a sleeping bag , some water , a sac of food that would keep well on the road , and his pay for the last week , along with a bonus that Mike couldn 't make him take back . He insisted on giving Mike a ride in any direction . Mike thought about it , and suddenly remembered the strange little sprite he 'd met on the road so many ages ago . " East , " he said . Mike 's former boss took him all the way to the eastern edge of the county , even though Mike kept trying to get him not to spend so much gas on him . Adam gave him a card with his name and number , and told him if he ever needed work or help of any kind , to call him . Mike thanked him fervently , and started walking . He felt better being back on the road , in the flat , beautiful desert . He hitched his way back to Arizona . He 'd liked the state when he 'd been there before , and he thought about settling down there for a while . He knew he wanted to be on his own , not stuck in a city scrounging for a living , but close enough to civilization to be able to make a little money and buy food . Eventually , Mike settled on a little patch of land in a valley just outside Lake Havasu City . He stopped in town and bought a large , sturdy tent , big enough to stand inside , with an extra partition that would act as a divider for his bedroom . He purchased a few other items that he would need - a lamp , a wireless radio , a fishing pole , plenty of matches and spare batteries , and several varieties of canned goods . Mike put up his tent , and spent the day making a home of it . Finally , when everything was set to his satisfaction , Mike opened his guitar case for the first time since his ordeal . He tuned up , and played a few chords , smiling at the sound . He cursed the underlying fear that had kept him from playing all this time . He picked out a few strains of a melody that had been poking at the back of his brain for a while . When he hit on something he liked , he began singing softly . " Goodbye , goodbye , you cruel town . You 've been a fair weather friend . Now I will go to some place that I know , where things don 't start just to end . " Peter and Zephyr became close friends in their months of traveling together . Zephyr liked the leisurely way Peter traveled . They rode along in the slow lane , taking in the sights , and making frequent stops whenever either of them needed a rest . The two travelers provided excellent company for one another , as well . They were always interested in one another 's stories about their adventures on the road , odd jobs they 'd had , and stories about their childhood . More often than not , the conversation would turn to Mike , and Zephyr would learn more about him through Peter 's stories . The more Peter told her , the more she wanted to meet him , and come to know him in her own way . After Zephyr 's first assurance that she didn 't want to come between Peter , and Mike , Peter had grown perfectly at ease when talking to her about Mike . He seemed pleased that Zephyr never judged him because he was in love with a man , and he showed no jealousy when Zephyr admitted how close she wanted to be to Mike . In time , they seemed to come to a unspoken agreement that , when the time came , they would ask Mike if he would object to sharing his heart with both of them . Whenever the pair got low on cash , Peter would park the van in town and play his guitar on street corners , with his guitar case open to accept donations . Peter taught her some of his songs , and when she felt comfortable , she began to sing harmony with him when he performed . After a month or so in town , they made enough money to buy stores , fill up the gas tank and make it to the next town . On their third such foray into town , they stopped just on past the Oklahoma / Texas border in Wheeler , Texas . Peter decided that it might be a nice idea for Zephyr to have an instrument to play . That way , they could make their performances more interesting , and perhaps pull in more donations . Zephyr had already learned some guitar from Peter , but he wasn 't sure they could afford to buy another guitar . Zephyr suggested a percussion instrument , like a tambourine or maracas . They rode around town until they found a pawn shop that had instruments hanging in the window . The two friends entered the shop , and began to look around . Zephyr saw a few pretty looking maracas , and some that seemed dusty and worn . The shop was large , and soon , Zephyr found herself wandering around , looking at the other items . She looked at the jewelry and the gemstones , but what really caught her eye were the clothes . The shop had several shirts , skirts and jackets , some of which had sequins and fake gemstones attached to the back . She gazed wistfully at these , holding them up and wishing that she could buy one . It wouldn 't be The jacket , but it would still be nice . The shopkeeper tilted his head , and studied her for a moment . " I know what you 'd like , little miss , " he said . " I have a nice coat in the back . It 's got a little wear around the edges , and a few of the buttons are missing , but it would be no trouble to mend . I 'm sure you would like it anyway , and if he lets you take it , I 'll even discount it for you . " Before Zephyr could protest , the man had already walked to the back . Peter came over , holding a tambourine and two shiny blue maracas . Zephyr gasped , and let out an excited yelp . She gripped Peter 's sleeve and pointed to the white nehru coat with the long tail . " That 's it ! Oh , Peter , that 's it , that 's IT ! " " Yes , sir , " Zephyr said . " It was stolen from me a few months ago . I thought I would never see it again , but now … " She drew closer to the counter , trembling with excitement . " Can I see it ? " She reached out , but the shopkeeper drew back . Zephyr clenched her teeth and tried to keep from sobbing aloud . To be so close to her precious jacket , and not to be able to touch it was maddening . She was on the verge of vaulting over the counter when Peter put a hand on her shoulder , steadying her . " We 'd never think of asking for it without paying , sir , " he said calmly . " But it does belong to her , and it was included in an official police report . We 'd be grateful if you 'd give us a good price for it . " The shopkeeper seemed crestfallen at the mention of the police report . " I might have known , the way that fella was running on at the mouth about how much he wanted for it , " he muttered . " A thousand dollars , he wanted , " he said , outraged . " Claimed all the stones were real . Well , I knew he was full of hot air . Nobody would put so many real jewels on a jacket ! I offered him $ 400 , take it or leave it . I might have known he was trying to unload something hot when he took the offer right away . " The man sighed heavily and looked at the young couple . " All right , " he said . " I can 't seem to get anyone to buy the thing anyway . Too flashy for most people in this town . I 'll let you have it for $ 200 . " Zephyr looked at the heirloom that now seemed just as far out of reach as it had been the day it was stolen , and burst into tears . Peter pulled her into his arms and held her tight . " Come on , sweetheart , " he said softly . " We 'll get the money together somehow . " " Don 't fret , miss , " the shopkeeper said , looking more than a little embarrassed . " As far as I 'm concerned , it 's already sold to you . I won 't show it to anyone else . " " We 'll be back for it as soon as we can , " Peter said . He paid for the maracas and the tambourine , and led Zephyr out of the store . She was still weepy , and she wanted to know how Peter thought they were going to be able to raise $ 200 any time soon . " I never said it would be soon , " Peter said . " We 'll just stay here until we save enough , and then you 'll have your coat again . " Zephyr felt fresh tears forming , and she leaped into Peter 's arms , and squeezed him tight . " Thank you , " she whispered . " Oh , thank you so much ! " Peter taught Zephyr some technique 's with her tambourine , and with the maracas . She picked them up quickly , and Peter praised her grasp of rhythm , and her style when accompanying him . As she became more comfortable with her instruments , Zephyr added dancing to their performances , twirling about with her skirts , and her long hair flowing behind her . They performed throughout the small city , and any neighboring towns that would allow them to open their little guitar case without chasing them off as vagrants . After a few months , Peter and Zephyr had become well known throughout the area . Their audiences grew larger , and they began to hold small concerts in parks around the town . Peter was careful to make it clear that all their activities were free , and he minimized any political content in his songs . He had no desire to attract any notice from " the heat " , and he seemed almost fearful that if the crowds got too big , they might be interpreted as " demonstrations " , and shut down . They moved frequently , and Peter was careful to park their van well outside of town limits , so as to minimize the risk of being accused of trespassing , or transience . Finally , after almost seven months of daily performances , they had collected enough donation money to buy back Zephyr 's jacket , and keep them fueled and fed for several weeks on the road . Zephyr was in a pitiable state by the time they returned to the pawn shop . She had been awake all night , worrying about what might have happened to the jacket while they were working . Perhaps the shopkeeper had sold it after all . What if there had been a fire or a robbery ? What if he 'd had the gems on the coat appraised , and he decided he wanted more money for the jacket after all , and they were forced to wait another year or more to buy it back ? Peter tried to assuage her fears , but she knew she would not be satisfied until she saw her heirloom coat again with her own eyes , and had it in her possession at last . The next morning , Zephyr and Peter showed up right when the pawn shopped opened . The shopkeeper greeted them warmly , and asked them to wait a moment . " I knew you two would be back ! " He hurried to the back room , and came back with Zephyr 's coat . Zephyr was shocked to see that the coat was covered by a dry - cleaner 's bag . " Come ' ere , " the shopkeeper said , beckoning them to the counter . " Take a look . " He unzipped the bag , and Zephyr saw that the coat had been cleaned , the tears on the collar and front had been repaired , and the missing buttons had been replaced . " My pleasure , " the man said . Peter handed over the $ 200 , and the shopkeeper handed the coat over to Zephyr . They left the store , but only after Zephyr had given the shopkeeper a breath - taking hug . She couldn 't wait to put it on , but she didn 't want to do so while they were still in the busy part of town . She was unwilling to put it on where too many people could see and run the risk of having the coat stolen again , or ( worse ) getting Peter or herself hurt . They drove out to the local park , and took a few of their stores out for a picnic in the grass . Zephyr put her jacket on and sighed contentedly , feeling almost as if part of her had been missing all this time , and it had finally been returned to her . Peter smiled at her , and motioned for her to turn for him . She twirled , and he laughed and clapped his hands . " You look beautiful . Absolutely dazzling ! " Zephyr beamed . She squeezed Peter into a tight hug , and kissed him . " I can 't thank you enough for all your help , " she said . " I hope I 'll be able to pay you back someday . " " But this wasn 't your jacket to have to buy back , " she said . " And I couldn 't have done it without you . I wouldn 't even be alive if - " Peter put a hand gently over her mouth . " You would have done all that for me , " he said . " Now no more of this . We 're like family now , Zephyr . You never have to worry about paying me back for the things I do for you . And I know you wouldn 't ask me to pay you back for all the performances you helped me with when we had to buy new guitar strings , or new shoes for me , or razors , or anything that I needed that you couldn 't use . " Zephyr shook her head . " See ? Now stop being silly , and let 's eat . " After lunch , they packed up their belongings and headed back out in search of Mike . They made their way out of Texas , and spent some time in New Mexico , playing their informal concerts , and asking after the tall Texan . Zephyr kept her coat packed away when they were in town , just to be on the safe side , and they brought Mike 's picture with them when they raised money so that they could ask after him . They didn 't find anyone who had seen or heard of Mike Nesmith until they reached the western edge of Arizona . The owner of a small general store said he knew someone who fit their description and answered to the name of Mike . He came to the store twice a month to buy supplies . " Doesn 't have a house in town , though , " the man said . " Comes in from that - a - way . " Peter and Zephyr rode off in the direction the store owner had indicated . They made their way slowly , searching out all the streets that seemed to be within walking distance of the general store . Eventually , after knocking on many wrong doors , they decided to give it a rest for the night and begin again in the morning . Peter drove the van to the outskirts of town to park . Just as they were about to settle in , Zephyr caught sight of a light shining a little farther down the dark road . " Could be , " Peter said . " But it would be an odd place for it - so far from everyone else . Still , let 's check it out . " He drove down the dusty road a few yards , before coming to a gravel turn - about . Peter parked the van , and they walked the rest of the way to the large tent they could see down the road . The light came from a window - like opening in the side of the tent , covered by a fine mesh to keep out insects . The soft strumming of a guitar met their ears , and both of the weary travelers smiled and looked at one another with hope shining in their eyes . They walked around to the front of the tent and Zephyr hesitantly tapped on one of the tent posts . The music stopped abruptly , and Zephyr could hear shuffling inside the tent . After a few moments , a man - The man - peered out at them from a slit in the tent door . His eyes widened when he saw her , and he unzipped the door and came out . Zephyr noticed that he held a long knife in one hand . He smiled at her , and seemed to be about to say something , when Peter made a slight motion , and Mike turned to look at him . Mike jumped and took a step back , completely shocked . " Peter ! " Mike laughed and shook his head . " Peter , " he said again . Then , suddenly , he grabbed the blond man and yanked him into a crushing embrace . They didn 't let go for a long time , and when they finally let go , Peter held Mike 's face and gave him a tender kiss . Mike let the kiss linger for a moment , then abruptly pulled away , looking nervously at Zephyr . " Oh , " he said , still looking uncomfortable . " Well , why don 't y ' all come on in , " he said , holding the flap open . " I 'll open up a tin of beans , and you can tell me how in the world you two found each other . " Zephyr entered the spacious tent , took a seat on a cushion on the floor at Mike 's invitation . She watched him while he pulled out two more pillows from another area of the tent , and made dinner for them , drinking in his every movement with a slightly hungry expression on her face . They 'd found him . Finally , after so many months of searching . It was almost too good to be true , and she feared that if she took her eyes off of him , he might disappear . Mike listened to the entire tale without interrupting . When the sprite - Zephyr - had finished , she and Peter both explained what they hoped for now . To make a home with Mike - all of them together . They 'd been traveling for a long time , and they were happy to just stay with Mike in his tent above the stream , doing their best to make him happy . Mike stared at them in silence for a long while . Finally , he scratched his head and chuckled a little . " Well , I … I just … " He chuckled again . " I think you two are totally crazy , " he exclaimed . " I can 't believe you 've been cruisin ' round the whole damn country looking for me ! I 'm nothin ' so special that I deserved all that effort . " Both sandy - headed nutcases protested loudly . Mike only shook his head again . He was truly touched . He 'd lived like a hermit after his utter defeat at the hands of Crane and his associates , and even though he saw a few people on his trips into town , he spent a large percentage of his time completely alone . The solitude had begun to wear him down , but he didn 't have the heart to go back to Texas with nothing to show for all his pains , and he didn 't have any way of contacting his old companion , or even of knowing if he was alive . It amazed him to think that these two people had spent months searching him out . Mike shook his head again . " Strange . Very strange . But I tell you what . I don 't care how strange it is . Y ' all spent a lot of time and money trying to find me , and I … well , I 'm … " He looked into their bright , eager , happy eyes , and he could feel his own eyes starting to grow misty . " I don 't even know what to say . You 're too much . Both of you . I … " Mike was saved from having to find any more words when Peter sprang over the emptied dinner plates and embraced him , kissing him fervently . When Peter let up , Mike glanced over to see Zephyr staring at her hands , looking lonesome . He beckoned to her , and she looked up , fixing him with shiny , eager eyes . He had no idea what he 'd done to earn her affection , but he liked the girl , and he wasn 't in the mood to analyze any damn thing . He beckoned her over , hugged her tight , and kissed her , surprised by the passion he could feel vibrating from her small frame . He sat back , breathless , and looked at his two semi - stalkers . " I think this is going to work out just fine . " |
Dear Evelyn , I am exhausted . We shuffled off the train at 2 : 30 this morning and here it is ten to midnight and this is the first time I 've had the chance to breathe but I wanted to make sure and write you a letter . I stopped writing as I realized I 'd thought to write Evelyn before my own family I am homesick already . It started when we got off the train and I saw a willow tree - it reminded me of the one by Spring Lake where we used to ice skate . Remember ? I do wish I was home but at the same time I feel like I am on a great adventure and I am happy and excited to be doing something so important with my life . As soon as we got off the train we were yelled at continuously , by noon I 'd completely given up on doing anything write . We stood in a long line and got measured for uniforms . As soon as we changed into them the first thing we did was mail home all of our civilian clothes ! They told us if they didn : t issue it to us , we didn 't need it and believe you me , they gave us everything . They handed us each a duffel bag and started filling it . It was like Christmas at McGinty 's store . All the clothes were crisp and new and they smelled so clean ! They gave us shoes we were to wear for duty , for running and I even got a brand new pair of dress shoes . It actually dawned on me , I think these are the first new clothes I 've ever been given in my life . They 've all been hand me downs from Mark and Tom . They showed us to our barracks and we barely had time to put our bags down before we were ordered to put on our PT gear that 's physical training and they marched us around for what seemed like miles . The food here is great . We had fried chicken and potatoes . . . even had ice cream - never had ice cream with supper before . It was odd . As soon as we got back they showed us how to pack everything away . Everything has a certain place and must be folded a certain way in a certain order and a certain umpteen different things . I 've been working on my area since supper . I need to get to bed . Take care of yourself and I know I 've no right to Logged Dear Jack , It was so nice to hear from you . I do remember ice skating on Spring Lake in the winter and chasing fireflies in the summer . Such fun we had as children ! I 'm glad you 're excited , though I must admit I am scared of you going off to war . You are my best friend , Jack , and I don 't want to even think about anything happening to you . Your training sounds arduous ! I 'm sure it will get better , it is only your first day . Keep your chin up and remember you 'll be a pilot when it 's all done . Papa is very stressed these days . The rationing board just put an " A " sticker on his car . Now he can only get three gallons of gas a week . He says that is not enough to last for him to get to work all week long , so he has to start riding with other people on some days . We also got our stamps for sugar . Mama 's not happy about that , you know how she loves to bake her pies and cakes . It 's a wonder Bitsy and I aren 't plump girls with all the sweets we 've eaten over the years ! I can 't ride my bicycle any more . The other day there was a nail in the road that I didn 't see and now my back tire is flat . Tires are rationed now also . Everything is needed for the war effort . It can be frustrating , but I know we have to do everything we can to support our soldiers and sailors . Mrs . Mabry put a gold star flag on her door just two days ago . Many of us ladies went over there yesterday to comfort her . She 's so young Jack , and with a baby , to have her husband killed . I can 't imagine her pain . Of course I will check on your mother . I 'm sure she 's lonely with you and your brothers gone . I 'll help her out in any way I can . I need to go now though , Mama wants to go to the store and will need my help carrying back the groceries . Write again soon ! Always , Evelyn Logged Dear Evelyn , I was so happy to get your letter ! Only about three of us got anything at our first mail call so the fellas all thought I was something else . I am so sorry to hear about Pete Mabry . I was stunned . I didn 't really know him that well , he was a few years older than us in school , but I do remember watching him at baseball games and he was always good to me when he saw me . Even being in training , up until now the war seemed so far away , now it 's very real and very close to home which is why I take my training so seriously . I made a decision the first day I got here that I was going to do the very best that I could to be the best soldier I could to save as many lives as I could . Everything I 've done since then has been to that end . Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time . I don 't want to learn to salute or make a bed , I want to be a soldier . Long marches , runs and obstacle courses are alternated with work details such as picking up trash or digging up a buried cable like we did yesterday . I am taking your advice and keeping my chin up , things should be better in a few weeks when we will be classified and learn what job we 'll be doing . Now that I am in the swing of things - the sergeant says we 're at that dangerous point where we 've been here long enough to think we know what we 're doing - I 've been able to get to know the rest of the men in my platoon . I 've never met so many different people before . A good buddy of mine - his name 's Tom and he 's the funniest joe you could ever meet - he 's twenty - two and just graduated from Princeton University . When I asked him what he did for a living , he said he didn 't know . He said he had something called a trust fund . Another man is a devout Catholic , a coal miner before the war and been married for ten years with five children . He prefers to spend his weekend leaves on the base reading the bible and writing letters . Of course we have the recluses too . They slick back their hair and put on too much perfume when they go to town . They come back drunk and make a ruckus . IKet Dear Jack , Mama left your letter on my bed so it would be a surprise for me . I was so excited to see it and hear from you ! Bitsy has been helping out Mrs . Mabry with the baby when she gets out of school . There has been word around town of several other men who haven 't made it home , but no one I know . It 's terribly frightening , and I 'm glad you 're not over there yet . I hope this war ends before you have to go . I 'm glad to hear you 're making friends ! Though , those boys who like to go out and get drunk do sound quite annoying . I 've never understood why people felt the need to do that . It just makes for trouble . Oh , speaking of movies ! You remember Ralph , his father owns the five and dime ? He was out of high school before we started , but he 's always worked at the store . I needed new hair curlers yesterday , and while I was in the store he asked me to go see a movie with him this Friday . He wants to take me to see The Corpse Vanishes . You know I don 't like scary films ! I said I 'd give him my answer by tomorrow , but I don 't know if I want to go . He 's nice , but I don 't want him trying to put moves on me . Do you think we could send you a small box of cookies ? Would they allow that ? If so , I 'm sure mama would be happy to bake up your favorite for you . Monarch is being turned into a bomb factory . Papa isn 't quite sure exactly what his new job will be , but every one is being trained in all sorts of different things right now . He says he can 't talk about because it 's government secrets . That 's okay , I really don 't want to know . It 's just another frightening thing for me to think about . Too many people I know are in danger these days . Thank you for letting me use your bike ! When I go see your mother after church on Sunday I 'll ask her about it . It will be so much easier to get around town and my feet won 't hurt so much at the end of the day . Write back soon as soon as you can ! Always , Evelyn Logged Dear Evelyn , Yes , I do remember Ralph . He was always kind of bratty and thought of himself as a real " ladies ' man . " He would be just the kind who would try something and I don 't want anything to happen to you . Why is he still at home anyway ? I should tell you I am writing to you now from the San Antonio Aviation Cadet Center . We got in a few days ago late at night - or early in the morning . If I have to sleep sitting up in one more train I 'll , well , I don 't know what I 'll do but I won 't like it . My neck still hurts from sleeping slumped over . Thank you for the kind offer , but you mustn 't waste your small rations on me . They feed me plenty well here , believe me you ! All we have been doing since we arrived is take tests . The first day we did - well they called them tests but they were more likes games . One I had to hold a wooden handle on the end of a long , stiff wire which went into a hole connected to a plate . If I didn 't hold my arm straight and steady , the wire would touch the circle and a lamp would light up . Then they took us to a room that had large boards of pegs on them - NO ! I am not making this up . Our assignment was to take the pegs out of their holes , turn them to the right and then place them back in the hole . It sounded easy enough until we had to do it . The peg had to be placed in the hole just so or it wouldn 't fit . Another test we did looked like a quarter place on a record player and we had to keep a pen on it as it moved . I don 't have any clue what this is supposed to tell them about how we can fight but I guess they know better than me . The next day we had written examinations from early in the morning until the evening . In all my years at Edison High I don 't think I took as many tests as I did in that one day . Everything was covered . General knowledge of the world , mathematics , mechanics , vocabulary , map reading , anything and everything you could probably think of . You know as well as I do I 've never been much on blackboards and book learning but it 's over now and I did the best I could and thereKet Dearest Jack , I gave in and went to the movies with Ralph . He wouldn 't leave me alone about it . I made him take me to a different movie though . Didn 't even get to see it , because during the news reels he tried putting his arm around me ! I got right up and ran out of the theater . Only Bitsy and you know about what happened , so please don 't tell your mother . I don 't want my parents knowing . Ralph has left me alone so far this week , so hopefully he got the message . I can 't believe you 're all the way down in Texas ! Is it hot down there ? It 's still chilly here at home sometimes . But you know how Minnesota weather can be , even in the summer . I 'm sorry you have to take so many tests , but you 're smarter than you think and I 'm sure you 're acing them all . Just you wait Jack , you 'll be the best pilot they 've ever seen . Why wouldn 't a guy like girls ? What kind of silly question is that ? Those army doctors sure are funny . And I 'm not the only girl yoJack , I 'm sorry my last letter got cut so short . Remember how I told you Monarch was being turned into a bomb factory ? Well something happened yesterday while they were changing part of the building . Mama , Bitsy , and I were here ( I was writing your letter ) and we heard this huge noise . We were so scared , and of course the phone was tied up because everyone was trying to make phone calls . It was six hours and well past supper time before we heard from Papa and found out what happened . Luckily it wasn 't a bomb going off ! Papa said that this big machine that is almost a quarter of the size of the building collapsed , and that 's why it was so loud and we could hear it so far away . No one got hurt , thank God ! But every one had to stay late to help clean things up . I thought Mama was going to faint when he came through the door that night . I 'm glad we 're all okay though . I couldn 't imagine what it would be like without one of my parents here . I 'm sorry this letter is so short . It 's really been kind of boring around here lately . I hope you are enjoying your training . Write to me ! Yours alwLogged Evelyn ! Elizabeth ! Stevens ! I told you , very specifically , NOT to waste your sugar rations on me , and what was the first package I get ? I 'm smiling as I write this because I can 't say I wasn 't overjoyed at getting them . Thank you very much . You always took after your Papa in that respect . Couldn 't stand someone telling you what to do . I waited for a Sunday afternoon to eat them . It was a rare mild day with a cool breeze , I took an ice cold bottle of milk and sat under a shade tree . If I closed my eyes I could almost hear our footsteps as we chased fireflies at Spring Lake . I was very angry to hear about how Ralph acted . You deserve better than that . A lot better . We take boxing lessons here and our instructor said I was a little more aggressive than usual . I didn 't tell him why . I wish I had been there . I could have offered to take you to a movie instead , and then it wouldn 't have happened . Or if it did , I would have . . . well , he and I would have had words . We still might . Does he think just because his father owns the Five and Dime he can do whatever he wants ? Why isn 't he in the service anyway ? As I said before I never really liked him . It sounds like things are exciting enough back home . I 'm glad no one was hurt and I hope everything is getting back to some kind of normal . I have to admit , I am getting nervous . Nervous and frustrated . The Army can be so efficient in some ways and maddeningly inefficient in others . It really hasn 't been that long since Pearl Harbor and they still don 't know how to handle all these new recruits . Right now we are doing " on - line training . " It means we do anything they can think of to keep us busy while they sort through the tests we took and for our advanced schools to be set up . The war isn 't even warm yet , but it still aggravates me that I am here snapping greenbeans and making my bed while my country needs me . I am nervous too . They are also sorting out who is going to be washed out . I couldn 't take it if they didn 't take me , Evie . I mean there 's nothing wrong with the regular Army , Logged Jack Thomas Miller , if I want to send you a box of cookies , then I will send you a box of cookies ! I 'm not the only one if us who can be as stubborn as an old mule , you know that . You 're most welcome , and I 'm glad you enjoyed them . It makes me smile to know that . I don 't know what Ralph was thinking , or why he 's not in the service , but I really don 't care . I just want to forget about it and move on . Don 't go getting mad and hurting people because something happened back here that you have no control over ! You have to focus on your training , Jack . That is what 's important right now . Of course you won 't wash out . I 've known you my whole life , and you 're one tough boy . I can 't remember you ever failing at anything when you put your mind to it . So just keep trying , and do what they tell you , and soon , very soon , you 'll be flying in a plane of your own . I can 't wait to see a picture of you all decked out in pilot 's gear ! You 'll look so smart . You 're mother and I had a great time together after church last Sunday . She 's teaching me how to sew a quilt . We 've been cutting up my and your father 's old shirts and using them to make patterns . She said it 's for me to put in my hope chest for when I get married . That made me laugh ! I don 't have a hope chest , and I 'm entirely to young to think about getting married ! Still , I 'm enjoying spending Sunday afternoons with her and learning a new skill . There are more and more of our friends leaving every day to go into the army or navy . It feels like pretty soon no one will live here anymore . And every couple of days there is news of someone else who won 't be coming home . They 've started up a volunteer ladies group at church to call on families who 've lost loved ones and offer support and help . Every time a black car with a white star on it drives by , a wave of fear washes over the neighborhood . Promise me you 'll make it home . I couldn 't stand losing one of my best friends . It 's late and I need to get to bed . I hope to hear from you soon ! Always , Evie Dear Evie , I did it . I made it . They called a bunch of us in about a half - hour ago and gave us our assignments . Aviation Cadet Jack T . Miller at your service , ma ' am . I wasn 't assigned as a pilot , and I will admit I was a little disappointed until I talked with the CO . That means our Commanding Officer . Wow , I must really be getting use to the Army , huh ? He sat me down and asked why I had wanted to be a pilot . I told him because I had grown up watching movies about the Red Baron and Gervais Lufbery . He smiled and said he had felt the same way when he first joined , but that the Army Air Corps is completely different than it was in the Great War . Back then , all they had were pilots who flew fighters , now there are airplanes with entire ten man crews on them , each with a very specific job . He explained to me that all the tests we had taken were scored and then organized on a scale of one to nine . Nine being the best . I received a 5 for navigator , a 6 for pilot , and an 8 for bombardier . I had never heard of a bombardier before but from what I understand , if when I pass my training , I will be the one aiming the bombs over the target . That interested me very much . The CO slapped me on the shoulder and said , " Just remember , all that flying would be wasted without guys like us . " So , I am going to be a bombardier . I don 't exactly like the idea of being the one who pushes that button , but if doing it brings me home to you and Mother and Father , I 'll do it . And I will come back . I promise . Maybe I shouldn 't have gotten so upset about Ralph , but I just couldn 't help it . I 've always been protective of you , Evie , you know that . Maybe it would be a good idea to keep making that quilt , you know , just in case . You were always so good teaching the children in Sunday school I know you would make a wonderful mother , and it goes without saying any fella would be lucky to have you as a wife . He 'd have to meet with my approval , of course , which will be a difficult task . I miss you , Evie . Even just the littlest things . I could always talk Logged Dearest Jack , I am so happy to hear your news ! I just knew you would make it ! I 'm sorry you won 't be the actual pilot , but bombardier sounds really important . You 'll still be on a plane , and that 's what you 've always wanted ! What kind of plane will you be on ? Will you be in Europe or the Pacific ? Do you get to come home for a little bit after your training ? You have to tell me all about it if you do . Your mother got her letter a couple of days ago , so I knew before I got your letter . Mama made a chocolate cake , and Saturday night your parents came over to our house for dinner to celebrate . It was so nice to have them over . Mama made her delicious baked chicken , and your mother brought that yummy vegetable casserole she makes . I wish I could send you a piece of the chocolate cake ! Mama is getting really good at baking using less sugar and butter and making it taste the same . After dinner we listened to the radio and played some cards , and then your father got a bug in him and wanted to dance . So we had a little impromptu dance right there in the living room with my parents , your parents , Bitsy , and me . It was so much fun ! Oh will you stop talking about me being married and being a mother ? I blushed when I read what you wrote and Bitsy asked me what was wrong . I 'm only eighteen , for pete 's sake ! I 'm still just a girl . Besides , with everyone gone off to war , it 's not like there is anyone here left for me to date anyway . Even with the setback , the construction crews are almost done turning Monarch into a bomb factory . Papa doesn 't talk about it , but he comes home every day looking more and more weary . I don 't want him to work there , but I guess there isn 't another choice . He hides the newspaper from Mama so he doesn 't cause her even more stress . She knows he does it , but just keeps smiling for him . Some days I think she prefers to be blissfully ignorant . I know there are days I would rather not know what 's going on in the world . I 'm sorry this letter is a bit of a Debbie Downer . I 'm just sad thinking about everythingdokturok Dearest Evie , I dreamt about you last night . It was a fresh spring day at our willow tree . I turned around and you were there picking those small flowers and putting them in your hair like you did when we were kids . As I rushed towards you , you looked up at me and I could see your face so clearly . When I reached for your hand , I heard a loud , piercing screech and I was jolted awake by the motion of the train pulling into the station . I was so disappointed , Evie . Just like a deflated balloon . I am still in Texas , unfortunately . It is so hot here , sometimes i can 't even sleep and it isn 't uncommon for us to shower two or even three times a day . I itch constantly from the mosquito bites . They are huge ! One fella even bet one could carry off a baby lamb if so inclined . They wait outside our barracks in swarms that I swear are as thick as fog . We line up four or five at a time to go inside all at once to minimize the chances of them getting in . They still do , but not as many . Even with all of this , deep down there is part of me that revels in all the adversity and I am sure its the same with the other fellas too . It 's like we 're being initiated into a very secret club that few are privy to . I feel myself changing , Evie , growing . When we first got to basic we could barely do the calisthenics , now we run five miles before breakfast everyday and don 't think a thing of it . We even bond over how nervous we are . Shaving before we go out onpass creates great grist for the rumor mill . A buddy of mine said he heard one of the upperclassmen say a guy was in class one day and he quit . He just stood up silently and walked out . Another says a buddy told him he heard if you dropped your pencil in class by the time you picked it up you would be so far behind you 'd never catch up ! I don 't know if any of that 's true but I am always going to have extra pencils ready . I am glad you and mother enjoy your time together . I admit I thought it would be quite an inconvience for you , I still worry it is . Are you still working on your quilt ? I hopeLogged Dear Jack , That sounds like such a wonderful dream , except for the end . Sometimes I wish we could go back to those days , before this horrible war , before all this fear and uncertainty . We were so innocent and didn 't know there could be so much hatred , killing , and death in the world . I long for those times again . My goodness I thought the mosquitoes here could be bad . Those sound awful ! I 'll ask your mother to send you some of her balm . I know it won 't keep them away , but you know how good it is at stopping the itch . Five miles every morning ! I couldn 't even begin to imagine doing that . You must be getting so strong , I fear I won 't recognize you when you get back . Not that you weren 't strong by any means before , that 's not what I mean . . . but all that exercise ! The girls you meet at the dances must really like you . Please be careful around them . I 've heard stories of girls who chase men in the service so they can get married for the money . I wouldn 't want to see you get hurt by some tricky girl who fooled you . Spending time with your mother is no inconvenience at all ! I really enjoy it . We talk and laugh while we sew , or we sing along with the radio . I 've come to look forward to our visits and wait eagerly for Sundays to arrive . Of course I 'm still working on the quilt ! It is a bit slow going because I make a lot of mistakes , but I am becoming better each time we do more . A picnic under the willow tree sounds lovely . I love hiding underneath its branches with you , tucked away in our own little world . Remember all the places we would pretend it to be when we were kids ? I think when we turned it into the Cave of Wonders from Arabian Nights was the best ! I don 't know what I 'll do when the war is over . I 'll get married eventually , silly ! I 'm just way too young for it now . Though , being a teacher does sound like it would be nice . I do so like helping children learn . But I don 't know if I could be away from my family for the schooling . Ralph tried to ask me out on another date . This time he had the nerve to call and askeLogged Dearest Evie , I can 't seem to do anything right , Evie . If something is good enough , it 's not fast enough , if it 's fast enough , it 's not good enough . Just as soon as I learn one rule , I turn around and break another . I am constantly " walking tours . " I have to get in my dress uniform and walk at a quick pace with a rifle on my shoulder . I walk about a hundred and fifty yards , turn around and walk back . This is repeated for hours on end . All I do is worry . Things started out good enough . We have to learn Morse code - all it is is a series of long and short beeps that represent letters . We were supposed to supposed to be able to decipher a hundred characters at five words per minute . I did seven . Only two of us out of a class of eighty did that well . We have so much to do here , so much more than we did at basic or even classification . I thought there would be a greater emphasis on study , and there is ! We go through three chapters a day in our mathematics classes . But there is even more physical training . We have to jump over four foot walls , then slither under chicken wire mesh , then there 's a twenty foot wall to climb , then we run on top of logs that zig zag , then we jump in and out of three trenches each five feet deep and come to another twenty foot wall . After that we finish with a mile long cross country track . We must also stand guard duty . The upperclassmen told us punishment for falling asleep on guard duty is death ! Because this is a military base and it 's war . I would never let that happen but I always drink extra coffee just in case . We have brass to polish , shoes which must constantly have on them a high shine , even if they are just sitting in our lockers ! We even have to scrub our barracks floor no once , no twice but three times a week ! Inspections are unbelievably rigorous . They look for dust in the most ridiculous places . That 's actually where I had my first real big screw up : inspection . It was a Friday afternoon and we were all eager to go out on pass but our barracks orderly saw something . . . I couldn 't teLogged Dearest Jack , You mustn 't worry and stress yourself so ! If you stop trying so hard , I think things may come just a little bit easier for you . I know that is difficult to do , because you want to be your best , but maybe you are over thinking things ? Just try and relax . And I know you 're eager for free time on the weekend , but why not use that time to study , so that you 're able to get a little more sleep during the week ? You shouldn 't wear yourself out so bad . You WILL make it . I have complete faith in you . Just remember why you 're there , what you are doing all of this for . This is your dream Jack , don 't let anything get in your way or stop you , especially yourself . I wish I could be there to help you . I think about you every day , and pray for you always . So does your mother , and mama . Know that we 're here , cheering for you , your own personal fan club . A lot of soldiers have been moving in to town to oversee operations at Monarch . There must be about fifty or so . All the girls are flirting with them and vying for their attention , but I 'm not . I wouldn 't want to get involved with someone who could leave at a moments notice . I don 't really want to be involved with anyone right now . I 'm just so melancholy today . I 'm not entirely sure why . I think I 'm missing my best friend too much . We 've never been apart from each other like this . I am going down to the lake , sit under the branches of our tree . Hopefully that will help . Always yours , Evie I am sorry this letter is so late in coming . I thought a lot about what you said . I thought long and hard about it , and decided my attitude wasn 't helping my situation at all . Even if you 're not here , you are helping me , believe me , and I will never be able to thank you enough . I tried talking to one of the upperclassmen , I told him that if I just had more time I could do well . He said that I had just as much time as everyone else . As I was walking one of my many tours , I realized I would have to make time for the most important things . For once , walking tours went by quickly as I added up how much time I spent on each particular task . I realized the most time I spent was getting ready for inspection and I thought , " Wouldn 't it be great if it could be just ready all the time ? " Then it hit me , I went to the post exchange and used a whole month 's pay buying new uniforms . I then spent the rest of the weekend preparing for inspection . I tore apart both lockers and scrubbed them down , then I prepared my new uniforms and organized my area so it was picture perfect . I haven 't worn those uniforms since I put them in my locker . I put my uniforms I use on a daily basis above the ceiling tiles . Some of the other guys have been doing the same thing . That alone has saved me about eight hours a week ! I also thought about what I said about not knowing how to do better and I realized that I didn 't know how to do better , but other cadets did , so I went and asked our top cadet for help in mathematics . He didn 't seem much interested in helping anyone … until I told him I would make his locker permanently inspection ready if he did . He came around . For two hours each night we study together . He really is a great guy . Do you remember David Evans ? He could always crack a joke . Never took anything seriously but could ace every class without so much as cracking a book ? This cadet reminds me of him so much ! To tell you the truth , it all kind of snowballed from there . I had another cadet tell me he needed help in morse code aLogged " Thanks for the ride , Mac , " Jack said , jumping out of the bed of the shiny red truck . The old man simply waved , gravel crunched under his tires as he slowly pulled away . Tom closed his eyes , inhaling deeply . Honeysuckle . Turning towards the lake , he could hear the tinkling splash of a large mouth bass break through the water snapping up a mosquito and the balmy air kissed his face as it whistled through the grass . He smiled in contentment . In the last six months , his world had been turned upside down , but right now he knew one thing for sure : Jack Thomas Miller was home . For ten days he was going to live as if nothing had changed . Crickets chirped . Soft , sporadic chirps as if they just had the idea to start chirping for the night . It was a little cool for early June as if spring was trying desperately to cling to its last wisps of existence . The fireflies meant it was a losing battle . As he made his way up the small slope , the first thing he saw was an old , frayed rope . Hanging from one of the tree 's highest branches , it was about three feet long . Years ago - a lifetime ago Jack thought , it had been much longer . It had only been used once when he tried to be Tarzan and fling himself into the lake one hot summer day . It snapped and broke his shoulder . The remaining three feet was left as a reminder . A testament to his stupidity . Well , that and she wouldn 't let him climb up there again . He didn 't know why , but he knew she was there . She had to be . He didn 't miss a beat when he saw her black Sunday shoes from beneath the drooping willow trees . He sighed . He was home . " Who dares disturb my slumber ? " Jack 's voice growled . " Tis I . . . Aladin . . . " his voice turning to a coo . " Proceed , " growling , " And touch nothing but the lamp . " The day hadn 't been bad , necessarily , but it could have gone better . Before church , Bitsy had dropped their mother 's cake plate and it shattered . While helping her clean up the pieces , Evie cut two of her fingers on some of the glass . Seeing the blood caused Bitsy to be sick , and she threw a small fit about going to church . Their mother finally relented and allowed her to stay home , but it made the rest of them late . She struggled through church and the following pot luck with a pounding headache . As much as she wanted to visit with Jack 's mother that afternoon , Evie needed to be alone in a quiet place . Directly after the potluck , she told her parents that she 'd be home in a few hours , and walked to their tree by the lake . Laying down in the grass under its branches , in the peacefulness of the outdoors would definitely help her feel better . Without realizing it , Evie dozed off . It wasn 't until she heard the faint sounds of someone walking toward her that she began to rouse . And once the familiar voice of her best friend rang in her ears , she was fully awake , eyes looking between the branches to see if it was really him , and she wasn 't just dreaming as she had so many times before . The shape of him highlighted by the sun and the sound of his voice combined let Evie know that Jack definitely was home . Immediately she jumped to her feet and flew to him , wrapping her arms around his neck and embracing him in a tight hug . " Oh , Jack ! Why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " Jack picked up Evie , squeezing her tight as he spun her around , laughing . " I didn 't know myself until two days ago when they told us . First thing I did was hop a train and here I am . Mother and Father don 't even know I 'm here yet ! " Jack grinned so wide his face ached . He took Evie in his arms again , " Oh , it 's so good to see you . " He took her hand , " Come on . . . let 's surprise ' em ! " Giggles filled the air as he spun her , Evie 's excitement radiating through the brightness in her eyes and smile on her face . Upon seeing Jack again , she realized just how much she had missed his presence in her daily life . He was her best friend and they 'd been together since childhood . Though she was happy for him that he was pursuing his dream , Evie truly was sad that he was gone so far away . She felt his hand tugging on her and stopped , holding firm in place . She wasn 't ready to go visit his parents just yet . Instead she wanted to spend more time underneath their willow tree , just the two of them , like it had been before the war started . Carefree and full of laughter . " Wait , " Evie said softly , slipping her hand out of his . " Let 's just stay here a little while longer . Please ? " Logged |
Sal accepted the epidural anesthetic but it was still the worst physical pain she had ever borne in her life . She was amazed at herself when she didn 't just pass out . Friends had warned her as daintily as they could about the pain and sweat and mess of bodily fluids , all of which they said was worth the trouble . But no one had mentioned that she would see the life of the universe pass before her eyes , and feel the tug of the moon at her heart , and hear the songs of all the waters on the earth . She didn 't remember being so happy since she herself was a child . She wanted to sleep for a week . But she also wanted to stop sleeping forever so she could just watch him . " I need to get it out of my system , " Sal said , watching her son sleep . He made a little noise and wiped a tiny fist over his nose before settling down . " I can 't be watching him sleep when he 's twenty . That 'll be creepy . " They had been together for a few years . They were in love , both of them . And it was the first time she had not let herself be swallowed up into someone else 's needs and wants and desires and personality . She met him after she had gotten a job where she 'd learned how to let go of so many roadblocks that she had needlessly waited behind . Expectations and insecurity and the need to prove things to others . She wanted to settle down , but saw that he was not ready . Despite all the ups and downs in life , she was doing well when all was said and done . She had learned to be patient , within reason , and to be temperate , and far more understanding than she had been . She just wanted to be with him and no one else . And she hoped that he felt the same . Then she learned that she was pregnant . She knew that Ken probably wouldn 't be ready , but she believed he would rise to the occasion . She didn 't expect wedlock . But she did expect him to be mature enough to help her through her pregnancy . Instead he seemed instantly terrified when she told him . He left her that night , kissing her lightly on the forehead and saying he needed time to think . She was upset , but she resolved to give him some time . She gave him a day , then called to reassure him , but did not reach him . The temptation to feel sorry for herself was palpable . She could taste the saltiness of the tears that wanted to come . At the same time , she could not truly believe that he would abandon her . After a few more days of waiting , she called again . His line had been disconnected . She went to his place and found that he had left , moved with all of his possessions , save whatever he had left behind at her place . She had told no one else of her pregnancy . It was early and she didn 't feel yet that spark of life within her . She became more worried than angry . She asked everyone he knew that she could get a hold of , but no one knew where he 'd gone . As worried as she was , she had herself to take care of , and soon enough , her child . She finally told her best friend , who threatened to track down the " deadbeat coward " and make him answer for leaving . But Sal still loved him , still could not believe the worst of him . She hoped he would return . But deep down , she knew he would not . Deep down she hoped her feelings for him would fade in time . And that she would figure out what to tell her child . Nine months passed . She worked . She took care of herself . Her friends took care of her . Her only living parent , her father , retired and moved close to her so he could help her . He warned her that he had no intention of being as strict as he was with her . His intention was to spoil his grandchild . All was well . She reached out to all her loved ones to recruit any who were willing to help her be there for her child . She prepared a room in her house . She read books . She asked questions . She got scared . She got excited . She felt more helpless than ever before . She felt stronger than ever . Sal heard the knock on the door , but she knew someone else would take care of it . She just watched Roland sleep . Her body still ached and she was in need of a good night 's sleep herself , but she was mesmerized . He had cried little since taking his first breath . She heard sluggish footsteps on the stairs and turned as one of her friends walked into the room . He said there was a man outside who had some paperwork about the baby . Sal asked if the man was from the hospital , but her half - asleep friend hadn 't thought to ask any questions before fetching Sal . The hour was not too late , so even though she found it a bit odd , Sal went down to see who it was and what he wanted while her friend watched over her son . She didn 't recognize the smiling man who greeted her from the other side of the screen door . He was wearing a hat , which he tipped to her before putting it back on . The porch provided some protection from the downpour outside , but Sal could still feel droplets bouncing and blowing toward her as she opened the screen door . " Ah , you need a name . Mr . Gardner . " He offered his hand and she shook it . It was warm . " I am here to collect on our bargain . " " I see you have forgotten me , " the man said . " We have met before , years ago . We made a bargain . And I am here to collect on that bargain . " Sal tipped her head to the side , trying to see the man 's face under the hat he wore , a dark gray fedora . She saw sharply handsome features , but could not recall them . " To collect what ? " she asked , and she stepped back behind the screen door . Something came over her then . Some feeling struck her . Fear was knocked out of her . She let the screen door close and blocked the doorway like a wall of stone . " You can 't have him , " she said . " He 's my son . And if this is a joke , it 's a sick one , and you 'll tell me who put you up to it , so I can deal with them . " " I am not without mercy , " the man said , unfazed . He reached one arm behind himself and when he brought it forth , there was a baby in his arm . " I have brought something to fill the void that will be left by the absence of the child of your body . " Sal pushed opened the screen door , making the man take a step back . She held out her arm . " It 's not yours , is it ? Give me that baby . " " And you said you 've never seen this man before ? " one of the officers asked her . She had Roland in her arms on the sofa . He was still sleeping despite all the noise everyone was making . The house was full again . She remembered the day she was on her way to a job interview in the pouring rain . Her car had broken down in the middle of the street and she decided that was it for the interview . But a man walking on the sidewalk ran over . He told her to stay in the car and steer it as he pushed it into a nearby lot . She checked her watch and saw that she could make it to her interview if she called a cab . He gave her his umbrella to use and asked if she would be okay . She exaggerated her thanks by saying he 'd saved her life . " I thought it was a joke , " Sal said . " An exaggeration just like mine . He said that I could repay him with my firstborn someday . I laughed and said I didn 't plan on ever having kids so it was a deal and we shook hands goodbye . " " I got the job , " Sal said . " It 's how I was able to afford this house . How I was able to even dream about settling down . I would have given up on the interview if he hadn 't helped . I thought he was just a kind stranger . Has he been stalking me all this time ? Waiting for me to have a baby ? " She shuddered and Roland shifted in his sleep . In the days that followed , Sal was ever - vigilant , as were her loved ones , who patrolled her house and surrounding streets so watchfully that the neighbors noticed and asked and joined in . Sal was heartened by the true kindness that her friends and neighbors showed her and her son . But it also reminded her of the false kindness that a stranger showed her years ago . Some agents from an agency she 'd never heard of came by to interview her . Her suspicion was on high , but they had given names and badge numbers and had insisted that the local police department could vouch for them . They promised to watch the house on the day the man said he 'd returned . They came as promised . A police squad car came . Friends came . Her dad came . Even the one blogger who had somehow found out about her plight and wanted to write about her story came . She didn 't want that kind of attention , but she welcomed him there . The more eyes on her house , the better . Sal knew that everyone else 's vigilance would not last beyond that named day . She knew that if the stranger was chased away that night , he would just come back some other night . But she still dreaded that seventh day . The day came and went and the man didn 't return . And he didn 't return the next day . Or the next . Each day , Sal looked down at her son and into his brilliant blue eyes and she hoped and she prepared . She changed her life , her work , so she could watch over her son and yet not smother him . Always that man was on her mind . A year went by . Then another . And another . Her son had milestones . Crawling . Teething . Walking . There were pictures and videos . Birthdays , holidays , everyday days . His black hair grew not straight like Sal 's but shaggy , earning him the nickname " black sheep " from his own mother . He developed a taste for crayons , literally . He developed other favorites . Like the color green . And the fruit pineapple . And mashed potatoes . And some cartoon with a dopey - voiced alligator and a theme song that Sal found insufferable . It was always on the back of Sal 's mind that the rainy day stranger , or even some other dangerous stranger , might carry off her child at any moment . The stranger became a part of her general fears . And her life and her son 's life went on . The first time Sal noticed that something was amiss was when she was at the pediatrician 's office with Roland . He had been suffering a low - grade fever , a mild rash on his leg , and a poor appetite for a few days . He was starting to recover and she 'd brought him in for a check - up . They were alone in the waiting room . Roland was playing with some blocks , and Sal reminded herself to wash his hands before they went into the examination room . The nurse at the front desk had a daughter only a year older than Roland . Sal struck up a conversation with her until the office phone rang . With the nurse occupied by work , Sal turned around and had her breath knocked out of her . Nothing unusual happened for the rest of that day . Sal was almost able to convince herself that she had imagined it . But she saw it again . Just as he had learned to walk , to run , to make marks on paper , he also seemed to be struggling to learn skills that other toddlers never learn . She caught him levitating a few inches above the ground once . He continued levitating other objects . He seemed to have some telepathic connection with their new dog , who only seemed to understand Roland 's commands . For weeks it continued and she told no one . For a new fear was forming in her mind and heart . A fear she did not want to face . She looked into Roland 's eyes and saw her son . She loved the child she had . But she feared that the rainy day stranger had managed to make that switch that he promised to make . She feared that he had taken her normal human child , the child of her body , and replaced him with an enchanted baby boy . She grew more and more anxious . She had never followed up with the police about that baby she had seen in the stranger 's arm that night . She had only cared about having Roland safe with her . She started thinking of the two boys as brothers , both her sons . She didn 't know how , but she knew she had to find the other boy . She decided that she was going to hunt down that stranger , rescue the son of her body , and raise both boys while the man who threatened them and abducted her child rotted in jail . But she knew she was dealing with something more than a man . And she could think of only one place to seek help . Sal called those agents that had come to see her a few years ago , after the stranger came to take Roland . Sal had done some searching and discovered that the agents were involved in investigating unusual phenomenon and cases . The name of the agency wasn 't known publically . But the specific divisions and what most of them investigated were well - known . The agents who had questioned Sal were from a division called DarkAmber , which investigated and handled paranormal and supernatural occurrences . They had suspected something that long ago and had therefore left their cards . But Sal had never followed up with them either till now . According to the agents , the man that Sal called the rainy day stranger was a fairy , most likely one of high rank . The agents admitted to knowing only the basics about fairies and their culture . But they shared what they did know . Fairies needed humans , at least every once in a while , in order to sustain their race . Human beings have some intrinsic magic from their spirits that fairies lack . The man surely tricked Sal into giving away her child . The agents proposed a DNA test , which Sal agreed to though she knew what the results would be . They had an advanced field kit with them . Within the hour , they were able to determine in duplicate results that Roland really was Sal 's son . " What about his father ? " the older agent asked . He reminded Sal of Santa Claus , if Santa Claus were svelte and kept his beard and hair trimmed , and wore dark tailored suits . Maybe it was also because his name of Nick . " I have a scenario , " Agent Nick said . His scenario explained how the children could have been switched without anyone knowing . If the fairy was one who had the power of illusion , of glamour . In the scenario , the rainy day stranger who had helped her returned later in a different form to court her . He likely pretended to be scared about the pregnancy and then fled . He later returned as his true form to claim the child . The other agent , a young man whose hair reminded Sal of Roland 's looked unconvinced . " That doesn 't make sense . If he wanted the child , he could have just stayed , switched out their real son with a doppelganger , and left without raising any suspicions . If there 's a connection between those two men , I don 't think it 's that they 're the same person . " " So , why didn 't he take Roland ? " she asked , despite knowing the agents did not have an answer . " Is he still coming for him ? Or did he give up ? " His partner stood up and began to pace . " Fairies aren 't like humans . They can 't just abduct children , or anyone actually , without permission . " " He loves it . Half my friends warned me about bed time and bath time . But I haven 't had any problems with either . He 'd probably throw a tantrum if I didn 't give him a bath . " " We have to track down Roland 's father , " the younger agent said . " Your son may be part - undine , which means it came from his dad . And that means there is a connection between the father and this stranger . " The agents found him . She had doubted , but they found him . He came to her door alone and of his own accord when they told him her story . Sal thought she would feel a flood of emotion . She had feared it as soon as they said they would track him down . But she felt calm when she saw Ken . And she was glad to see him again , someone she once loved and always would in some way . But she also felt a justified sense of a debt owed . She welcomed him inside and watched him as he saw Roland for the first time . He seemed to tense up as if he wanted to fly from the boy and fly to the boy at the same time . Sal just watched . She fetched Ken a bottle of water . She kept her eyes on her son , who sat on the carpet playing with a disparate assortment of toys that belonged to him and to his companion , the neighbor 's daughter , who Sal was watching while her parents were at work . " The man who helped you that day and who came back for your child was my father . He 's a lord among the water - folk . " He looked at Sal , but Sal just sat down and listened . " He did indeed trick you , as was the ancient custom , into making a deal . When he realized that you had meant it when you said you wanted no children , he sent me to court you and assure that you did indeed have a child , an even more valuable child than the pure human one he 'd meant to collect . A child that was half - human and half - undine . Your agents were right when they told you that we need the diversity among our people . The undine need the spark of life and energy that comes from human spirits . We don 't have any souls or spirits of our own . We can live without them , but we wouldn 't be the same . We would turn wild and feral . We 'd probably die out eventually . " I never believed in my father 's old - fashioned and barbaric ways , but I went along with the plan , because I thought I could help . I convinced him to leave a changeling in your child 's place , so that all parties would be satisfied . The baby he brought to you that night is all right . He was an undine . My father returned him to his mother after you refused him that first night . He only gave you the seven days because you had named the baby already . People used to wait to do that . The name gives him some protection , even from the contract my father made with you . " " I 'd lived in human society for many years , but I never had any close ties to any humans , until you . I did fall in love with you , unwillingly at first . Staying with you , being with you and with you friends , and your family , I realized that I had some of my father 's prejudice about humans . I realized that if you ever had any children , you would never be able to let go of them and just exchange them for any prize . It had never occurred to me before . " So I did my best to make sure that you didn 't get pregnant . I reported to my father that you could not have children . But I worried what would happen if you left me and settled down with someone else , a human man , and if you had children . My father would know . The contract would tell him . So I tried to plan what to do . And while I planned , you became pregnant . " I 'm nowhere near as powerful as my father . I would never be able to protect you and our child . I tried to make another deal with him . I hoped I could find another woman , one I could tell the truth to from the beginning . I know it sounds horrible , but I was desperate to keep him away from you . I had an idea , but I didn 't know if I could do it all , much less do it in nine months . I had to leave . I planned to come back right after the baby was born . But he came a little early , didn 't he ? " " I started building a maze , not a physical maze , but a maze of enchantments of a sort . The plan was to build it and place it around the child . The maze would be so complex that it would take all of our child 's life for my father to wind through it and reach him . I couldn 't be sure that I would be able to manage it in time . I couldn 't explain this to you . You wouldn 't have believed me . So I thought it would be better to let you believe you were abandoned , to rage against me , then forget me . And I never planned to return to bother you or our son again . " Just as I feared , I couldn 't finish the maze . I had a little help , but not much . Not many who would be willing to go against my father . He 's not evil , just unyielding . I returned here . I found out what happened . So I changed my plan . On that seventh night , when he was supposed to return for the baby , I intercepted my father and whisked him away to the maze . Instead of putting our child in the maze , I put my father in it . He 's been in it this whole time . And I have been trying to build it around him , finish it . He wouldn 't suffer or die from a few hundred years of wandering . He would just be out of our hair . But now that he 's in it , it 's harder and harder to build around him . I think I might be near the limit of my abilities to go further . " I don 't know how much longer it will hold him , " Ken said . " And when he comes out , he 's going to be very angry . " He took another drink of water . Sal took a deep breath and exhaled . " I believe you . Thank you for protecting Roland all these years . " She raised her brows . " It would have been good to know , for my anxiety 's sake , but I understand now why you couldn 't be here . " She leaned forward . " Now I want to know what I can do to protect Roland from your father . " Sal nodded . " Well it 's good to know you have a conscience , but nobody here is an angel . This whole time you 've been guarding your son against a real threat . I just regret that we couldn 't have figured something out together . " Ken seemed to understand . He smiled awkwardly and began to retract his hand . But then Sal grasped it . " There 's a saying we have , ' Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned . ' But I have my own saying now . All the scorned women in the world have no fury like a mother whose child is threatened . " Ken 's face tightened . He nodded . " Once I teach you some of the tricks that your people have used to thwart our kind , I may need to protect my father from you . " Sal released his hand . " Live and let live . That 's all I ask . My son is one of your kind . And even if he wasn 't , I couldn 't justify hating all of you because of what one of you did to me . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Monday , July 6th , 2015 Posted on July 6 , 2015 by cielodrive . com On Monday , December 1 , 1969 , Judge William Keene signed an order , requested by Attorney Richard Caballero , authorizing the removal of Sadie Mae Glutz , aka Susan Atkins , from the Sybil Brand Institute , between the hours of 2 : 30pm and 10 : 00pm . Atkins was taken to 425 South Beverly Boulevard , Beverly Hills - the law offices of Paul Caruso - where she was interviewed on tape by Caruso and Caballero for the purpose of determining a plea . The following is the transcript of the taped interview . SUSAN ATKINS : About two months prior to meeting him I was in an apartment in San Francisco and I was on LSD up on the roof and I just looked at the city and I couldn 't handle it . And I remember reaching up with my hands and there was no sky , just blue in my hands , and there was no depth to it . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , and I asked if God , just stop this world and take me off of it . About two months later , after travelling around for two or three months , I ended up in a house in San Francisco on Lime Street . It was primarily dope dealers . I got involved with them and then one day a little man came in with a guitar and started singing for a group of us that were together . And he sang , the song that hit me hardest was " The Shadow of His Smile " and his voice , his manner , just more or less hypnotized me - mesmerized me . I was just absolutely in love with him . I didn 't know him and I also felt I was in competition with him because he got more attention than I did . SUSAN ATKINS : And I asked him if I could play his guitar . Now , I didn 't know how to play the guitar , I knew maybe one or two chords on the guitar . And he said to me , sure , and handed me his guitar . And I looked at it and I thought to myself , I didn 't say it , I said I can 't play this and he turned around and he looked at me , straight in the eye , and said you can play that if you want to . And immediately I knew he was in my head and , wow , nothing like this ever happened before and it blew my mind . I was just with him from then on . SUSAN ATKINS : No , I handed it back to him after that . I plucked with it but handed it back . And he left and came back , you know , in about a period of two days and he took me off . You know , took me for a walk . Said do you want to go for a walk with me and and I said yes . I felt really privileged because all the girls in the house were just in love with him , his whole mannerism and the way he spoke . And we walked about two blocks away from where our house was to the place where he was staying in San Francisco and he took me into his room and said I want to make love with you and I said okay . Have you ever made love with your father . I said no . He said have you never thought about it ? And I got kind of embarrassed and said yeah , like two or three times . He told me to take off my clothes . I took off my clothes . There was a full length mirror in the room and he said notice yourself in the mirror . I couldn 't look at myself . He said , go ahead , look at yourself in the mirror - look how beautiful you are . I looked and I turned away and he pushed my head back and said Look , you 're perfect . And I said well , yes , it 's okay and while he was making love with me told me to imagine I was making love with my father to get me through that particular hangup that I had about my father . And about when we were through , it didn 't last long , it was better than I 'd ever had it before . It was the most beautiful experience I 'd ever experienced . He took me back to Lime Street house and then he left . And then he brought over two girls the next day , a girl by the name of Lynn Fromme and Patricia Krenwinkel and a Mary Brunner and said that they 'd just gotten a school bus and they were going to paint it black and fix up the inside and he asked , a couple of other girls , a girl by the name of Ella , I don 't know what her last name , Ella Bailey and another girl I don 't know what her name is and asked if they wanted to go along with him and I felt hurt because he didn 't ask me . And so I was talking to the other girl and they saPAUL CARUSO : You were too shy ? SUSAN ATKINS : Right . I wanted him to ask me . And he came back and was getting the two girls ready to go in the school bus with him and I was upstairs , it was a three story house , and he was talking to another girl . And at the time I had what I called " the little man " who was in jail - SUSAN ATKINS : No . I had just quit working as a topless dancer . He came up to me and said , " Well , are you going to go with me or aren 't you ? " I said , " Well , what about my old man in jail ? " And he said , " What do you mean ' your old man ' ? Don 't you mean your victim ? " I flashed , Wow , he 's right . I went downstairs and packed two changes of clothes , some of my mother 's things that I had with me , put it in a suitcase , put it in the bus , and off we went . And for about a year and a half all we did was travel around in that bus . Five girls and Charlie . SUSAN ATKINS : People gave us things . Charlie had such a way of communicating with us we were just all together in the bus going through our changes , getting to know each other , getting uninhibited so we could make love each other freely . And he put me through a few changes with Lynn and he would make love with Lynn and I 'd feel jealous and so would everybody else in the bus for the simple reason he always picked her . In all three years he only made love with me six times . PAUL CARUSO : Self - confidence . You should have it . That 's why it 's a shame for anybody to put you down because you shouldn 't be put down . You should have self - confidence . SUSAN ATKINS : That 's what Charles did for three years - he gave me my faith in myself back to me . One of the good things he did for me . Showed me how to be a woman and not to be a man - trap . In other words , I can control men if I wish to , but that 's not my place and I realize that now . SUSAN ATKINS : Right . He said you 're not afraid of me enough and I don 't know what it 's going to take to put that fear in you but you 're just not that afraid of me . And when he said that , I really became afraid of him and often times I would do things - I knew I was strong - I was stronger than most any of the girls there - I knew it . I would go through my changes and I would go through my changes silently ; more than openly and I knew I had a lot of influence with a lot of the girls . He even told me that once . He said that , You have more influence over these girls than any of the other girls . That you 've almost got more influence over them than me , but I 'm not going to let that happen . " SUSAN ATKINS : For him and the more I would do things to please him , the more he would tell me , don 't do it for me , do it for yourself . I don 't care about you . I just love you completely . SUSAN ATKINS : No , but then again I did because I was never asked to do things for him . All the other girls were asked to do things for him because he knew I was capable of doing things for him . And he wanted to give the other girls that chance - SUSAN ATKINS : I stabbed a man five or six times , but I would say that was in self - defense . I was ordered by a man by the name of Tex to kill a man . But I hesitated and because I hesitated the man got his chance to attack me and I luckily enough had a knife in my hand because the man was big he could have just one whack - PAUL CARUSO : You know I represented a suspect in that murder . You know that or don 't you know that ? If you don 't know , I 'll tell you that a man named Harrigan was arrest - well , not arrested by the police , but he was a prime suspect . So Harrigan and I went down to the police station and they interrogated him for about 4 hours - SUSAN ATKINS : Well , Charlie instructed us to go there and gave us a car and and told us all to get two changes of clothes , basically black , and we had been buying black clothes for what we call creepie - crawlies , we go around and creepy - crawlie people 's houses - we wouldn 't take anything - just for the experience of getting the fear and bringing ourselves to now . And he instructed us to get the clothes and our knives and such and such , and four of us got in the car and started going up to this place . Now Tex explained to us the situation at the house because he had seen the house . He 'd been up in the house . The house used to belong to Terry Melcher . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes . We know Terry very well . The reason Charlie picked that house was to instill fear into Terry Melcher because Terry had given us his word on a few things and never came through with them . So Charlie wanted to put some fear into him , let him know that what Charlie said was the way it is , just what he said . the way it is and his philosophy , most people call it . And we , he explained the set up of the house for us and had a set of bolt cutters with us , and ropes and a gun . One rope , that was a gun and each one of us had a knife . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , something like that , I would imagine . I don 't see a picture in my mind right now . If I flash on it , I 'll let you know . I believe , we drove up to the house , turned the car around , you know the set - up of the house , turned the car around and parked it between the gate and a neighbor 's house . We got out of the car , this is going downhill , we got out of the car and got the bolt cutter . Tex climbed up the telephone pole and snipped two wires , hoping that they were the telephone wires - one happened to be for the telephone and one for the - SUSAN ATKINS : - Utilities . Yes , utility line . Then we got back in the car , drove it down the hill and parked the car at the base of hill , up aways , so it wouldn 't look too suspicious . We walked back up the hill . We didn 't touch the gate because we didn 't know if it was electrified or not but you know there 's a slope on the driveway ? Well , we climbed up that hill and there was a small place where we could climb over the fence . So we went over the fence , four of us , and all of a sudden we saw light coming out and we knew it was a car and Tex told us to lay down and be still , so we all just did , exactly what he said , just laid down and be still . And just as the car drove into our sight , couldn 't actually see what happened , but I heard Tex say , " Stop - halt " and he had the gun on this young boy and I heard the boy say , " Please don 't hurt me - I won 't say anything and the gun went off four times . And Tex came back and said come on and we proceeded to go , you know how the front door is ? Well , there 's a window right next to it . He lifted up and opened the window , went inside and around and opened the front door . We had no idea how many people were in the house . When we got into the living room , there was a man sleeping on the couch and his head was , the back of it was facing me . Tex went around in front and the man woke up thinking it was a friend of his . He said " What time is it ? " - I forget the name he said , and Tex stood in front with with the gun and said don 't move or you 're dead . Then he motioned for us to come and stand behind the couch and we left Linda outside to listen for sounds . It surprised me that nobody heard the gunshots but they weren 't that loud . It was a very quiet gun . And then Tex let me in and said go check the other rooms . So I went down the hall to Abigail Folger 's bedroom and Sharon Tate 's bedroom . PAUL CARUSO : Jay Sebring ? SUSAN ATKINS : Yes . They were talking and didn 't see me . And I looked back at Abigail Folger and said , What are you reading " ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , I didn 't . I came back out and I told Tex , there 's three more in there . And so he told me take the rope and tie up what ever , his name is - SUSAN ATKINS : Frykowski . And I was shaking so bad I couldn 't tie his hands but I got the rope around and couldn 't pull it tight . And he just , he was so petrified he just laid there and didn 't say a word . And he kept asking Tex , " What do you want ? What do you want ? " " Who are you ? " And Tex said , " I 'm the devil , I 'm here to do the devil 's business . " And , " We want all your money . Where 's your money ? " He said , " My money 's in the wallet on the desk " and Tex told me to go over and look on the desk and I said , " Tex , it 's not there " . And then Tex said " go in and get the other people and bring them out here . " So I took my knife and I went in and stood by Abigail Folger 's bed and said " Go out in the living room " and " Don 't ask any questions " . And I went into Sharon Tate 's room and told them to go out in the living room . And the three of them were pretty much terrified by what was going on . And Tex took the rope and tied it to Sebring and Tate together and put the rope over the - SUSAN ATKINS : Did all three of them that way . No , before I go to that . He , Jay Sebring , came into the living room and said " What 's going on " and Tex said , " Go over and sit down " . Jay Sebring proceeded to advance on Tex and Tex shot him . And he fell on the floor . I think he fell on his side because I saw him laying on his side . And Sharon went through a few changes , ( laugh ) , quite a few changes . PAUL CARUSO : What did he throw over the beam ? Did he throw the rope over the beam and then tie them ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , he tied them up and then pulled it tight , and then threw it over so they couldn 't move either way . RICHARD CABALLERO : What did they pull over her head ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , but he didn 't move for a while and then - Tex proceeded to tie them up - Sebring - I had taken the rope off of him and proceeded to bind his hands with a towel I found in the bathroom . I didn 't do a very good job of that , evidently I wanted the man to get away . I don 't know , subconsciously I was thinking . I know I wasn 't thinking consciously at all . Then Tex said to him " Where 's your money " and Sharon or Abigail said " My money 's in my wallet " and Tex instructed me to go get it out of her wallet . And I untied her and she led me back and I told her , " You get it out " . She handed me $ 72 . 00 or $ 73 . 00 and said that 's all she had and said do you want my credit cards ? And I said no . She put the wallet back in and I proceeded to lead her back into the living room and tied her back up and put the rope back over the beam . And one of the ladies said " what are you going to do with us and Tex said , " You 're all going to die . " And this caused immediate panic . And Tex told me to kill the big man , Frykowski , well I went over to him and I raised the knife and I hesitated . And as I hesitated , he reached up and grabbed my hair , he started pulling my hair . So I had to fight for my life as far as I was concerned . I still had the knife . Somehow he managed to turn my head , he was still holding my hair and he was behind me , he , fell in the chair behind me , that was next to the couch this way and he was fighting and I was kicking him and I proceeded to stab him three or four times in the leg and then while this was going on , Abigail started getting loose and was fighting with Katie . Linda had evidently heard some noise and went back down and sat in the car so we had no watch for the outside . Well as this went on there was a lot of confusion going on , I don 't remember exactly what happened , but I remember seeing Frykowski going outside and as he was going outside he was yelling - for his life , he was screaming , really loud . And I said Tex , help me . Do something . Tex went over and RICHARD CABALLERO : Just a minute - did Frykowski get shot ? RICHARD CABALLERO : I want to ask one more question . When Tex first approached , when you called Tex to help you with Frykowski , Tex approached Frykowski , was Tex approaching , did he approach him from the back ? That 's what I want to know . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , but I don 't ' remember because I was on the floor . Sharon was starting to get herself loose from the rope and the Folger girl had already broken loose and was fighting with Katie and I was just standing there watching , there wasn 't much I could do . I had given my knife , I thought , to one of the other girls , the girl that was outside . Evidently I didn 't because she didn 't have it when we left so I figured I had lost it in the house , which threw paranoia into me as we left . I went over and got Sharon and put her in a head lock . She didn 't fight me , I just held her . Then she was begging me to let her go so she could a her baby and Katie was calling for me to help her because Folger was bigger than Katie and Katie had long , long hair . She was pulling on Katie 's hair and Katie was calling for me to help her . So I called to Tex to do something . Tex came back into the house and reached up to stab Folger and she looked at him and said , " You 've got me , I give up " and Tex stabbed her and she was on the floor . I think he stabbed her in the stomach because I saw her grab down here . And then Tex went back outside because the other man , Frykowski , had gone outside and was on the lawn by then , still running and calling for help and he proceeded to continue killing him . I would imagine that was SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , his whole outfit was mod . It looked like an Indian , East Indian outfit . Then Tex told me , Sharon Tate wanted to sit down , so I took her over and sat her down on the couch . She said all I want to do is have my baby and I knew I had to say something to her before she got hysterical and while I was talking to her I knew everything I was saying to myself , I wasn 't talking to her . " Woman , I have no mercy for you " and that was myself to only me . When the Folger girl started to go outside , Tex and Katie went outside and I just stayed there with Sharon . I 'm not sure whether Katie went outside or not . Then Tex came back in and said " Kill her " " Katie said to kill her " . I reached to grab ahold of her arms , I didn 't want to kill her , so I grabbed ahold of her arms and said , " Tex , I can 't kill her , I 've got her arms , You do it . " And Katie couldn 't kill her . So Tex stabbed her in the heart and he told us to get out . We , Katie and I , went running outside looking for Linda because we didn 't see her and yelling for her but we didn 't want to yell too loud . When Tex came out I said Tex do you have my knife ? , and he said no . I said Katie do you have my knife and she said no . So I said Linda must have it , I think I gave it to her . And he said , Sadie , go back and write something on the door . I didn 't want to go back into that house . SUSAN ATKINS : That 's the way I recollect it . I know we had one buck knife and it had black tape wrapped around it because the handle was broken off . Just a little piece . RICHARD CABALLERO : Where did you get the knife from ? SUSAN ATKINS : From the Ranch . It was stuck in wood . I don 't know where the knife actually came from . RICHARD CABALLERO : Things were pretty excited at that point . And you stopped in the car and as you will relate in a few minutes , you wanted to get rid of it ? But first of all , there was another knife there , that might have been there a buck knife too ? Do you have knowledge that there was another knife that might have been a buck knife ? SUSAN ATKINS : No , I don 't . PAUL CARUSO : Susan said they all had knives . RICHARD CABALLERO : Yes . This is crucial because the police have a knife and that 's what we 're trying to get to because there 's a very good chance that you left a different knife there . PAUL CARUSO : They showed my client Harrington several knives , when they were questioning him and he couldn 't identify any of them . Now , Susan , you started to tell us about going back in the house and grabbed the towel you used to tie up and you took it over to Sharon Tate . Was she bleeding very much ? PAUL CARUSO : Where 's Linda ? SUSAN ATKINS : Linda had disappeared on us and we didn 't know where she was and we called for her . But we didn 't want to go around , didn 't want to even go anywhere near that area . We were instructed to go to the next door neighbor 's house and to do the same thing . SUSAN ATKINS : Now , we went , you know the button that you use to open the gate ? Tex pushed that button , but I don 't think he used his fingers , I think he used his arm or something . And we picked up our clothes which we had stashed by the gate , we all knelt and picked up our second change of clothes , walking down the road not too conspicuous , and Linda was in the car . She had started to start the car and Tex told her to get over , excuse the expression , what the fuck did she think she was doing ? We got in the car and there was nothing but just [ long drawn out sigh ] SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , we all did . And proceeded to change our clothes in the car as we were driving . Now we went for a ride to look for a place to dump the bloody clothes . Now this , I saw that last night and you 'll see the change . As we were driving we flipped off the route down a couple of side streets to look for a dark house and we found one . We got out of the car , walked up the street , found a house with no lights on , hoping there would be nobody home , and we found a big house . All I remember is that it was a big house with a lot of shrubbery around it , the front . We looked for the hose , turned the hose on , went out in the street and proceeded to wash ourselves off . All this happened spontaneously , we didn 't plan anything that happened , it was all spontaneous . All of a sudden we heard an old man and an old woman coming out - what are you people doing and blab , blah , blab . The old woman said my houseman belong to the Sheriff 's - SUSAN ATKINS : - Something like Deputy Reserve , he belonged to the Sheriff 's Department of Los Angeles County and he was going to report this . What are you doing ? And Tex just looked at them , smiled , and said , " We 're just getting a drink of water . Sorry we disturbed you . " And the old man said , " is that your car down there ? " And Tex said , " No , we 're walking . " And the man said " I know that 's your car down there . " Tex said , " Okay , girls , get in the car " and we double fast walked to the car . Now , all the weapons were not in the car . Before we went to that house we went for a drive up Mulholland Drive , before we went to the house to wash off , we went for a drive and we drove along the side of a deep embankment , I don 't remember where it was , it was dark , and I didn 't pay any attention , and Linda had all the weapons , all but the one knife , up in the front seat , and Tex said , " Does anybody have a white rag " ? in order that if somebody saw us throwing something , we could throw the white rag while we were throwing things out of the window . And we proceeded to throw all of the clothes . We stopped one time . Linda got out of the car , threw all the clothes over as far as she could , over the side of the embankment . SUSAN ATKINS : I don 't know . I have no idea . We drove around quite a bit . I wasn 't paying any attention . I was just stunned . RICHARD CABALLERO : Susan , before we leave that point , when you say you got rid of all the weapons , did that include the gun ? SUSAN ATKINS : And then after we disposed of all the weapons , then we continued to drive until we got down to a residential area , I know it was close to Sunset Boulevard . Then we got in the car and the man and woman were walking behind us and we were walking fast . Tex got in the car and started it , and the woman kept saying , take their driver 's license , number , but he didn 't have anything to write it down with . He got in the car and started it and the man came up and reached in to take the keys , evidently he knew there was something suspicious going on , and Tex flooded the car , put it in low and took off . Practically broke the man 's hand from what I could see . I just flashed , wow , that was a strange house to pick , out of all the houses - and then we drove down the road and made a couple of turns and stopped at a gas station . The purpose for stopping at the gas station was we were almost out of gas . We bought some gas and the three of us girls took turns going into the bathroom checking for blood spots and making sure we were clean . Tex did the same . But all the way out I noticed there was blood on the car and I hoped that nobody had seen it . When we got back to the Ranch we got out of the car and went directly to the cafe which was our - SUSAN ATKINS : - yes , the whole ranch was my hang out , our home , and I went in the kitchen and got a rag and proceeded to wipe down the whole car for blood . I didn 't know where it was but I knew if there was any it would be on the steering wheel and on the handles well , I didn 't touch anything else . Charlie came out and said what are you doing home so early ? Tex and Charlie walked off and talked . We went down to the end of the boardwalk and went into what we call the bunkhouse and there was Brenda ( who 's known as Nancy Pitman ) , and Katie and Linda and Tex and Charlie and we all sat back - I almost passed out - SUSAN ATKINS : You know the auto store that has all the far - out cars ? PAUL CARUSO : Oh ! On Sunset Boulevard near Stefanino 's . Do you know where Stefanino 's is ? SUSAN ATKINS : And when we got back to the Ranch , I almost passed out . I was sitting there trying to pay attention to what Charlie was saying , and I just couldn 't handle it . I laid back on the floor and I felt as though I was being killed . RICHARD CABALLERO : How did you come to the house , how did you enter ? Let 's go over that very carefully . SUSAN ATKINS : Tex went through the window , came around the front door and unlocked it and opened it and let us in the front door . SUSAN ATKINS : The gates ? We didn 't go over the gates because we didn 't know , it they were electrified , whether there was an alarm system that we didn 't want to set off , so we went up alongside the embankment and climbed over the fence . In fact , I got caught on the barbed wire , it wasn 't barbed wire , but I got caught - SUSAN ATKINS : Nothing . He just acted as though it never happened . Charlie is the type that he lives each second for each second and pays no mind to what happened two seconds , that 's how much now he is . SUSAN ATKINS : Tex told me that he and Charlie had been there before - that 's why they chose the house . RICHARD CABALLERO : Did he say he had been up there with Charlie or just Charlie alone ? SUSAN ATKINS : He stated , I believe , I 'm not sure , so don 't quote me , that he and Charlie had both been up there together . PAUL CARUSO : Who originally told you to get the black clothes for the " creepy crawlies " as you called it . SUSAN ATKINS : Well , Charlie had pretty much control over everybody but as I said before Charlie usually , in fact , all the time , he said " you people are not my people . You belong to yourselves and you do what you want to do . " RICHARD CABALLERO : You say you may have said Charles - why is that ? SUSAN ATKINS : because I know Tex 's name is also Charles . I haven 't called Tex Charles but maybe two or three times to his face and that was only when Charlie was not there . SUSAN ATKINS : Well , I got back to the Ranch and as I said earlier , Charlie and Tex and Brenda and Katie and me were in the bunkhouse talking . And Linda was there . The reason I don 't remember Linda a lot is because she was not prominent in my mind . She wasn 't with us for more than a month . Then I went in and slept for a while and when I woke up , it just hit me , I didn 't want to . Also I wanted to go and look at the news reports because I knew it would be in the news . I went into what I call the trailer , there 's an area that 's located next to Mrs . Spahn 's house and there was this little TV in there . I turned on the news and that was the first thing that hit . I went wild and quick like ran out and got Katie and told her to come watch television with me , it was on the news . I called Linda in and I called Tex in and I called Clem in , because Clem knew about it . Charlie wasn 't awake . SUSAN ATKINS : We watched the newscast and it kind of , it really helped me to know that the people were as important as they were - it blew my mind and there were a few comments made , well , the soul really picked a good one this time . Just happened to have been Sharon Tate , a movie actress , and it happened to have made nationwide and worldwide news which we had no knowledge that that 's what it would do . There was a comment made that what had happened had served it 's purpose , that was to instill fear in man himself . SUSAN ATKINS : The establishment . That 's what it was done for . To instill fear - to cause a paranoia . To also show black man how to go about taking over white man . I just put it out of my mind as best I could . I couldn 't . For two days I just had nothing but pictures of what was happening and flashes on the Hinman case . It was just so vivid I just accepted it and sat and watched the pictures in my mind . I continued to appear normal on the Ranch and did my work on the Ranch and that night we all got together and smoked some grass and sang some songs . I think I made love with Clem , I 'm not sure who I made love with or if I even made love that night . And , next day , I would look at Katie and Katie would look at me and we both would know that that was the utmost thing in our minds , that we couldn 't put it out of our couldn 't minds , it was right there . And I 'd look at Charlie and he 'd wink at me and give me reassurance that everything was okay , was going to be alright . He didn 't have to say it - I just felt it . Tex seemed his normal self , just as happy and go - lucky as could be . But everybody on the ranch was pretty quiet . Everybody on the Ranch knew by then there had been a killing but they didn 't know who had done it . They had their suspects because most of them knew that we had gone out the night before . Went through the next day pretty normal , took care of things that had to be taken care of at the Ranch . I forget , I believe the next night , Charlie told me to get two changes of clothes , and a knife , we were going to do it again . I gave a sigh and he said do you have any remorse ? I said no , knowing that all the time inside they did . And he knew it ? Because he knows me inside - out - in fact , he knows what I 'm doing right now . It 's killing him as much as it is killing me . Linda and Katie , Clem and Tex and Leslie , all got in the car . We all had our things together , knives , and I think there were two guns or one gun , and we just drove around . We went over to Pacific Palisades , Pasadena , we drove around and stopped at two ' houses , Charlie got out of the car , we drove around the block - SUSAN ATKINS : Charlie . And he was talking the whole time . I forget what he was telling us , he was just talking , to keep us so we wouldn 't be thinking about what we were doing . Stopped at one house , Charlie got out , we went around the block and Charlie came back . We picked up Charlie and he said , " Man , there were pictures of children in that house . I just couldn 't do that . " He said there may come a time when we we might have to kill some children but it would in order to save the children that are coming with us . And so I accepted that and we drove asleep around . I fell asleep . I slept . I felt tired , thoroughly exhausted . I hadn 't slept , I just couldn 't sleep . And when I woke up we were parked and I looked around and I recognized the area as being the area where I had taken an acid trip with Charlie and the girls and a few people in the house . What I considered the Beverly Hills area . RICHARD CABALLERO : I want to stop you there . We discussed this before . This house that made you recognize the area , did you discuss it with Charlie then ? SUSAN ATKINS : No . Not at that particular time . SUSAN ATKINS : Charlie got out of the car , went in the house and we all just sat there very quiet , didn 't make a sound , lit a cigarette , in fact we all lit a cigarette and sat there and smoked and didn 't say anything . Charlie came back to the car and called Tex out and Tex and Charlie went into the house . Now I dozed off and after I dozed off , I had a dream - it was so visual it was actually what was happening in the house - I could see Charlie tieing the man up and talking to him , tieing the woman up . And then he came back to the car and I woke up . SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , with a gun . He crept into the house , that 's what he told me when he came back to the car . He instructed Katie and Leslie - I hoped he wouldn 't ask me to do it and he didn 't because he picked up on those vibrations - told Katie and to go into the house with Tex and Katie and Tex and Leslie went into the house which left Linda and Clem and me and Charlie and he instructed them to hitch - hike home when they were through . I said , " Charlie , isn 't that the house we took the acid trip in with Harold in ? " and he said , " No , it 's the house next door . " I said " Oh " and that 's all that was said about it . On the way out he picked up the woman 's wallet , which had her identification and credit cards in it and we took the opposite direction from which we came and dropped the I . D . off at a gas station . Linda went into the gas station and left the waIlet in the gas station , the women 's restroom , hoping that a black woman would find it and pick it up and use the credit cards , which would direct the police to black people , instilling more fear into white people . Then we drove around , just kept driving around , ended up at the ranch , but the idea was Charlie had wanted Clem and Linda and me to go to another house and we would do two simultaneously , in one night , to instill fear into white men . PAUL CARUSO : Charlie colored ? SUSAN ATKINS : On the drive back , I believe he mentioned the house next door was the house where we took the acid trip . That 's all I can recall . I don 't remember what I told you yesterday . RICHARD CABALLERO : That 's what you told me yesterday . You said that you knew the area and he said that 's the house where we had taken an acid trip , including yourself , that you hadn 't recalled exactly , but indicated you had been there . Is that correct ? RICHARD CABALLERO : Let me refresh your mind . You gave me an answer yesterday when I asked you why would you pick that house . And I asked you did you know any of the people around there ? SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said they got into the house and they took the woman into the bedroom - Leslie and Katie took her into the bedroom - or something and tied her up and put her on the bed and put a bag or a cloth over her head and proceeded to talk to her how everything was going to be okay , she wasn 't going to be hurt , it was all going to be all right . Katie told me she knew she was talking to herself , not to the woman , just to reassure herself , that everything was okay , all perfect , was going to be good , while Tex was in ing room with the man . She said the woman heard her man , her husband being killed , and she panicked , started fighting , knocked over her lamp and fought and screamed , " What are you my husband , what are you doing to my husband , " and all time Katie was stabbing her and Leslie was trying to hold her and Katie just kept stabbing her . I forget how many times she said she stabbed her . I don 't even think she knows . Up until the time she was dead , the woman kept saying , " What are you doing to my husband ? " and Katie told me that 's what the woman was going to live with , that 's the thought she 's going to carry through infinity . And I said , " Yes , you 're right there . " She said after they were through they went in and wiped off all the fingerprints , at least that 's what she said they did . Wrote helter - skelter on the refrigerator , " Death To All Pigs " or something to that effect on the door , in the corner of the living room in the people 's blood . Then went over and took showers in the people 's house , changed their clothes , went into the refrigerator and had something to eat , she saw a fork - I can 't remember whether she said it was a kitchen fork or one of those long forks - SUSAN ATKINS : Carving fork . She said she just saw it and she flashed who , that will scare somebody and she picked the fork up and went over and left the fork in the man 's stomach . She said she reached over at it , took it , hit it and just sat and watched ; she watched it wobble and said she was fascinated by it . She said Tex had carved " Pig " in the man 's chest . RICHARD CABALLERO : Did you , in the conversation as you recollect it , do you know if it was - do you have a picture of a spreading of blood or of a carving into the body ? What ? Something just written on him , scratched into him or carved into him - that 's what I want to know . SUSAN ATKINS : She said " carved " . And she said it was almost dawn but they got out of the house and creepy - crawled - SUSAN ATKINS : He went in and told the man , here 's what he related to me , he said , " I 'm not here to hurt you . Just be calm , it 'll be okay . Just sit down and be still . " He tied them up with pieces of leather he wore around his neck and he came and got Tex and Leslie . RICHARD CABALLERO : With leather Charlie wore around his neck ? Is that what he tied them up with ? When he told you , when he related that to you , that this is what he did , how he told the man to be quiet and I 'm not going to hurt you , and tied them with leather , who was present ? SUSAN ATKINS : Yes , and he told Tex , he said , " Now , the last time you blew it . You panicked the people . He said " don 't panic the people , let them think it 's going to be okay so they 'll at least go in peace . " SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said Clem - Leslie did it . And I think Tex wrote because it was up high . I don 't know for sure whether Tex die it or not . PAUL CARUSO : Down to the waist ? SUSAN ATKINS : Almost . About the middle of her back and it just covers her whole head . She 's got blue eyes , pretty blue eyes , very attractive , large ears and she says they 're big so I can keep my hair behind my ears , and she has hair , prominent , growing down around her neck , through the chest area , very hairy arms and legs , very graceful . SUSAN ATKINS : Katie said she had some children and that the children would probably be over on Sunday . Katie didn 't say that she heard this from the woman , but just from the type of people that the daughters or sons would probably be over for Sunday dinner and find their bodies and blow their minds . PAUL CARUSO : Did you ever read in the paper about the LaBianca murder ? SUSAN ATKINS : I was tired of listening to the news . All I heard on the news was Tate , Tate , Tate . I just shut it off . RICHARD CABALLERO : Now you must be getting hungry . We 'll make arrangements about getting something to eat and then we 'll talk about the Hinman matter , which is the one you are currently charged with in Santa Monica . Now I told you when you came in today that I heard they were going to file murder complaints against you and all of the others , that everybody is in custody . Do you know that ? RICHARD CABALLERO : No . I 'm talking about those involved , in these matters that we 've been discussing . Everyone is in custody , including yourself . Hopefully , we will be able to prepare a defense , as you have already honestly indicated to me that you were mesmerized by this Svengali - type individual , Charlie , and we are going to have to try to put our best foot forward , to try and convince everybody , maybe even the Grand Jury , because in the final analysis , if we can convince them it will be to your benefit . That 's all we 're concerned with , is your benefit . Okay , now we 've got to get you something to eat , including some ice cream . Thursday , May 28th , 2015 Posted on May 28 , 2015 by cielodrive . com MR . PART : This is 3 p . m . in the afternoon , and Leslie Van Houten and myself , Marvin L . Part , her court - appointed attorney , are sitting in a private room at the Sybil Brand Institute . And I 'm going to ask Leslie some questions , and she 's going to give me some answers . MR . PART : Now , I believe you told me that during the time that you were at the Gresham Street address everybody was on acid trips . Is that correct ? And so - because Charles is the type of person he is , like he 's out front with people . And a lot of people had a hard time seeing him or looking at him . And that 's another line that the Beatles said , " He 's got to be good looking ' cause he 's so hard to see . " Because so many people couldn 't even look at him . And that what would happen is that about a couple thousand of the chosen people - white people - would go down into the center of the earth and stay there for about fifty years . And then there would Athens or - I can 't remember all the names , but something was going to happen . And then we were going to come back up . MISS VAN HOUTEN : Yeah , I still believe he is . And , you know , I can 't say it in words . Only that he 's almost not even human . I mean , you know , he 's got his body and all , but he 's gentle . I mean he 's everything . He 's just everything at once . It sounds far out , but I was , for real . I was feeling them do it . And I could feel the knife or the sword when it went in , too . Because we - it was - it 's like white man is divided , you know . We aren 't united in our thoughts . And the black man is more together . They are more one in their thoughts , you know . I knew that three of us - Do you want me to give the names ? - Bobby and Mary and Sadie went to Gary Hinman 's to get some money . And anything else he had . And him . And then the next night - Well , I was feeling bad , to tell you the truth . Because Sadie - because Katie was my best friend . And to think that she was strong enough in her believing not - you know , to be able to go kill , I wanted to , too . And he said , " Everything 's - I got everything okay . And they think it 's a robbery . And just to tie it up , just go on in . I got their wallet . They 're sure it 's a robbery . And just tell them everything is okay so that when they go don 't make it so that they got to be tortured . Make it quick and easy , " you know , " for them , because just as - " She didn 't even make a moan or a groan . I didn 't feel her , you know , her pulse , or anything . And her head was covered , so I didn 't see her face . I kind of wished I had of . It was hard to get it through . Like when I thought of stabbing , I didn 't really have any idea in my mind , but it 's a real feeling . It 's - it 's not even like cutting a piece of meat . It 's much tougher . And it was - I had to use both hands and all my pressure , all my strength behind it to get it in . And then I went into the other room , and I noticed that there had been things written on the wall . There was " Pig " and " Rise , " and " Helter Skelter , " and - and that might be all . There might have been something else . And then after that we were hungry . And so we went and we took some cheese and milk out of the refrigerator . And we took it with us . And we left out the back door and went down the fence and down the sidewalk . MISS VAN HOUTEN : First ride we got was from a black man . And he took us to Griffith Park where the freeway starts . And then this man in this funky old blue and white car picked us up . And he drove us almost all - he drove us to Chatsworth Street . And we even stopped and bought him breakfast at some place on Topanga Canyon Boulevard . I don 't remember the name of it . I think it starts with an N . MISS VAN HOUTEN : Uh - huh . All the rest were going to . They were - I don 't know where they were going , they were just going to do what we had done . Same thing . Only it was going to be Linda and Clem and Sadie . See , I try not to think . That sounds pretty ridiculous , but I don 't . I try not - I try to keep my mind clear . When I think about it , it makes me feel bad , you know . MR . PART : When you went out to - and were part of the group that killed the LaBiancas did you think that what you were doing was right ? And if you did , why was it right ? MR . PART : Do you really care if - if you are given the death penalty in this case and die ? Do you really give a darn whether you get life imprisonment or something less than that ? And - and he used to - he used to even say , umm , " I 've become an empty hole . " He 'd say , " I can - " He says , " I have no control of what I 'm saying . " He just says , " I have no control of my actions . I don 't even think about what I 'm doing or saying . " But now everyone is finding out . Like our music is finally coming out . And Charles will be able to speak for himself at the court and - to show - Like it 's already happening . In jail here there 's a , - you can feel a lot of it . The tension , the Black Panthers and that type of thing . It 's already starting . But by no means - by no means were we ever prejudiced or disliked the black , you know . It 's not that way at all . If anything , it 's we have love for them , and we 're giving them their turn , which they deserve . According to CDCR spokesman , Luis Patino , Beausoleil was cited for a rules infraction on January 27 . Pursuant to Title 15 the Board of Parole Hearings is obligated to postpone the hearing until the infraction has been fully adjudicated . Beausoleil , 67 , serving a life term for his role in the 1969 murder of musician Gary Hinman , has been denied parole 17 times , was given a 5 year denial at his last hearing , held in 2010 . Gary Hinman 's cousin , Kay Martley , along with Sharon Tate 's sister , Debra Tate , planned to make opposition statements at the hearing via telephone , according to an Associated Press report by Don Thompson . While the Los Angeles County District Attorney 's office routinely attends Beausoleil 's hearings , Martley 's participation would mark the first time anyone made a victim impact statement at one . 21 Comments I would like to make a statement and say a few things . Now this is the part where I get to tell you why I think you ought to let me out of prison . And you know , that 's not really what I understand about what is happening and that was really happening , because this really is not about me . I understand that now , whereas I didn 't when I was a kid , you know , when I was 20 or 21 years old . I thought it was all about me . But it 's not about me . This is about what is best for society . I hope that what is best for society and what I can bring to a successful parole will coincide at some point . I do want to be united with my family , but like I said , it 's not really about what I want . But for what it 's worth , I 'm going to tell you what I want . What I want is to be able to no longer be considered a liability . I want to be considered an asset . I am fully capable of doing that . I have abilities and talents that I worked very hard to develop , that I 've learned how to use in a way that 's beneficial to a lot of people , both in this community on the inside and to the outside community . I 'd like to be able to do this more effectively . So if it 's about what I want , that 's what I want to be able to do . Click here to readBobby Beausoleil ' sJune 11 , 2003 Parole Hearing Transcript But again , it 's not really about what I want . It 's about what is best for society . And in that regard , I 'll say this . I am really extremely sorry for what I 've done to bring harm to all the people that I 've brought harm to over the years . And it begins , of course , with Gary . And I am fully cognizant of what I did there . I mean there 's discrepancies in the facts , and I really can 't speak to that anymore . I 've told you what I know from my own experience , and I hope that you will use that to mitigate Danny DeCarlo 's self - serving statements early on . It 's my own fault that I didn 't own up early on and have this be part of the actual court records . So I have nobody to blame there . And so I can 't really tell you that you have to believe me . All I can do is represent to the best of my ability the facts as I know them . I killed Gary Hinman . I am responsible for that . It was my decision to do it . Nobody forced me or ordered me to do it . I feel that I was , you know , as I 've said , I was kind of forced into the position of being there in the first place , but that , again , was from the decisions that I had made earlier on . I had entered into a drug transaction that escalated and got out of control . But I made that decision initially , and it rests with me . I must hold myself accountable . Insofar as how it has hurt Gary , in 1981 , a man did exactly to me what I did to him . I was stabbed in the heart and both lungs , and for some reason , some miracle kept me alive . And so now I since then for the past 22 years , I 've had an opportunity to remember what that felt like . So I know what I did . I also know how it affected Gary 's family because I know intimately how it affected mine . Excuse me . I hurt a lot of people , and I 'm very sorry for having done that . I want to be able to give something back . It is my very clear intention to give something back , to do the best that I can to make amends , to honor Gary 's life by helping other people to understand how I took it , so that they won 't make the same mist1 Comment |
I was in a deep sleep , because last night , I was lacking of energy . I mean , I encountered a bear and fought with it . I wasn 't dreaming , but I could hear the birds were chirping outside of the cabin . I was too lazy to open my eyes , because I knew it was too early to wake up . Somehow , I was feeling comfortable with my sleep . The temperature had decreased by a few Celsius and it was relaxing . I fell asleep again and had this peculiar dream . In my dream , I was at a field and was chasing a rabbit . The rabbit was too fast and I couldn 't catch up with it , so I stopped and watched it ran away . It reminded me of my childhood when I was at my grandma 's house . There was a field and I loved to chase the rabbits there . Then , a bright light was blazing in front of my face and I was blinded by it . I squinted as I saw a figure in front of me with a rabbit in his embrace . I couldn 't make out who it was and eventually he had done me a favor . However , that guy seemed to know me . He started calling my name . His voice echoed as if we were in a hall . I kept squinting my eyes to see who was that man and it wasn 't helping at all . The light was scorching . " Annette . . . " he called me again . " Annette . . . ! Annette ! It 's time . . . Annette ! Wake up ! " It was Scott who was waking me up . I opened my eyes slowly and my eyes and my thoughts were still blurry . And then , I realized . I realized where I was sleeping on at that time . My head was on Scott 's lap . " Uh ? Good morning ? " said Scott . " Oh crap ! " I quickly sat and covered my mouth . " Uh ? Um ? I didn 't mean to . . . " " Don 't go too hard on yourself . I 'm good with it , " said Scott . " Had a nice sleep ? " " Yeah , " I replied while nodding . " We 're leaving now , " explained Scott . Again ? And I was worried if he brought me too far away from home . I didn 't want to have another road trip anymore . I wondered if the waitress had made a call to the police . There might be a road block on the way to the place that Scott wanted to bring me . Fingers crossed . " Where are we going next ? " I asked . If he would answer that . We stood up and I was still waiting for his answer , but he didn 't even whisper a thing . He brought me outside of the cabin and unlocked the cuff on his hand . He was going to cuff me again in the car . He dragged me by pulling the handcuff along with me and opened the car 's door . That day , he seemed emotionless , his face didn 't show any emotion . Not even angry . I was about to ask him for his behavior on that day , but it would be awfully weird . As if I was his sister , and as if I was being caring for him . Click ! The sound of the handcuff as soon as he locked it . " I 'm sorry that I have to do this , " he said . " Now get inside " . I did what he asked me to do . Soon after that , we were moving again , and I was being haunted by millions of questions in my mind . We were on the road again . The sky was dark blue and the air was a bit damp . It was a little foggy because the weather was getting colder than the day before . Not much of cars were seen on the road . It wasn 't a busy day at all . I assumed , there would be no road block . I guessed I had to be with him for a little longer . I wasn 't feeling afraid any longer , I was just confused . We could only listen to the sound of the car 's engine . We didn 't talk much that day , and believe it or not , it was killing me . I knew that Scott had something on his mind but I couldn 't figure out what it was . " Annette , can you turn on the radio for me ? " asked Scott . Sure . . . " I replied . And I turned on the radio and it was playing an unknown ( well for me it was ) song from the 90 's . Scott didn 't enjoy it . However , he didn 't ask me to turn it off . Instead , he let it be . Suddenly , the song stopped . We interrupt this program to deliver a news about a young lady who had been kidnapped yesterday evening . Her name is Annette Frederick and she is 19 - year - old with dark hair and estimated 5 ' 7 ' ' tall . The kidnapper is described to be tall and blonde and Caucasian and is driving a 1996 Volvo . Any information , please contact the authority . Your cooperation might help this helpless girl to return to her family . Thank you and God bless Annette Frederick . Back to you DJ . I was excited to know that the police was looking for me already . And I would be saved in no time . I was about to smile but I was afraid that Scott would see me . I looked at him and he didn 't even feel bothered by the news . " Looks like they are looking for you , " said Scott . Yeah . Looks like they are , " I replied . " Are you happy about it ? " Um ? Yes . . . I am happy about it " He smiled . Was I suppose to be worried by his smile ? He put his hand on his head and drove the car single - handed . Why was he doing that ? " I 'm going to take you to a place where it all ended , " said Scott grimly . " And . . . Where is . . . Where is that place ? " He looked at me , with a frightful look . He grinned and said " Soon , you 'll know " . Earlier when I met him , I was terrified that he would kill me , and we were in the woods , I saw another person who was lonely and needed attention and I was no longer afraid to be with him . However , at that time , I saw another person who would do horrible things to me , and the fear had crept back into my mind . This person could not be trusted and I had made the biggest mistake of my life , which was trusting him even for a bit . My heart beat quickly , and as if it was digging out of my chest . I was praying hard to God so He would help me in this situation . I was desperate to escape and I missed my family a lot . Maybe soon I would meet my Fate . Scott was sending chill down my spine . I imagined Scott was holding a knife and stabbed me to death , and how he scooped the ground and buried me inside it . I could see his dark smile when he had killed me . He made a turn and the road was leading us to a hill . I tried to be positive but thinking of " another summer camp " didn 't help me at all . There wouldn 't be another camp on top of the hill . It was a perfect murdering spot . The questions had been answered . A cemetery . I saw white and sturdy tombstones in a bright green field . " . . . a place where it all ended " I thought about Scott 's line . From that moment , I knew he was talking about Death . Whose death ! ? Was it going to be mine ! ? I shook my head in disbelief and cried and begged for freedom at him . " Please Scott ! Don 't kill me ! " I begged . Why ? Are you afraid of Death ? " he said . " You can 't be afraid of Death . Sooner it will find you and take you . You can 't escape it , " he explained . From that moment , I knew that he was being serious . " No , please ! I need my family ! I 'm not ready to die yet ! " " When Death has come to you , you are all alone " He parked his car near a sign board which had rusted and hadn 't been repaired for a long time . The grasses were already tall and bushy . People hadn 't come to this place recently . He went out of the car and went to the graveyard . It seemed like he was looking for someone 's grave . I was in the car alone , struggling to break the cuff off from the grab handle . " Somebody help me ! Help ! " I cried in the car , but it seemed impossible for someone to hear me . I knocked the window with my hand but ended having bruises on my fist . I was crying devastatingly . It was hopeless to escape . It was hopeless to live too . He had returned and opened up the door for me . " Where are you taking me ! ? " I demanded . I fought back when he was trying to pull me out of the car . I slapped him and I kicked him , but didn 't work at all . Once again , he cuffed me on his hand . He dragged me to one of the graves and I was kneeing weakly on the ground . There was a black tombstone in front of me , and there was a name transcribed on it . " Theresa Harding . Daughter . Sister . Friend . " " Say ' Hi ' to her , " said Scott . " What do you want from me ! ? " I cried . " Give her some respect " I didn 't even say ' Hi ' to that dead girl . It would be weird because I didn 't know her at all . I assumed that she was one of his victim too . He crouched and stared blankly at the tombstone , and he took a quick glance at me and continued to stare at the tombstone again . He giggled and looked down on the ground . My eyes were red and soaked , and I felt strange for him to do that . What exactly did he want from me ? Money ? Pleasure of killing an innocent girl ? " This was where it all ended , " Scott finally spoke . There was a huge maple tree , just beside the road , and Scott brought me under it . From there , I could see Theresa 's grave clearly . " Sit , " ordered Scott . Slowly and fearfully , I sat down and leaned over the big tree . My hand was still hanging up because Scott didn 't sit down . He was still standing , and suddenly , he took out a key from his back pocket and he showed it to me . " You see this ? " said Scott . It 's . . A key . . . " I said while stuttering . I didn 't know what was he going to do with the key , but suddenly he kneeled in front of me and took the handcuff and unlocked it , releasing my hand . I was shocked ! I was totally confused , I didn 't even know what was his intention towards me anymore , and the feeling was worse than death . He sat down and leaned just like I did . From there , he looked at Theresa 's grave devastatingly . From the moment he released me , I was feeling like running away . Damn ! I didn 't know what kept me sitting there by his side . I didn 't even making a budge to escape . " You can run if you want to , " Scott made a very peculiar order . " Why . . . Why are you letting me go ? " I asked . " This place was where it all ended , and once again , history will repeat itself , " said Scott while looking down . Hesitatingly , I stood up and stared at him for the last time . He was giving me freedom , weird but true . I couldn 't believe that I was finally free . However , was there any agenda ? I walked backward slowly , just to make sure that he didn 't follow me . I thought I was far enough , and I sprinted along the road . For seconds . I turned around and looked at the maple tree , and I could see him from there . His eyes and his body language , made it hard for me to leave . He didn 't hurt me or threatened to kill me , he did , but once and he didn 't do it . I wanted to know his story . I remembered what my counselor had always said , " First impression is a foolish act if you don 't know the person yet " . Maybe he wasn 't a person that I thought he was . However , he did kidnap me and that was a crime . If I went back to him , and God knows where he would take me next . I turned around and tried to run again , but my feet were kind of glued to the road , and once again I looked at Scott . " I hate you , Annette ! I really do , " I whispered to myself . I walked back to Scott . I saw him sitting peacefully under the tree , and the scenario was noiseless . He kept staring at the grave , which probably he knew the deceased very much . I was standing a foot away from him , and suddenly he turned his head at me . " Why didn 't you run ? " he asked . " I 'm not really sure why . Maybe because of you ? " I explained . " Because of me ? Why ? " " Stupid isn 't it ? But yeah , I think that 's the main reason why I didn 't leave " I approached him and sat beside him . I was wondering what to ask and what to talk about with him . I wasn 't a really good talker , but I was a very good listener . " Can you tell me more about yourself , Scott ? " I asked . So he did tell me his life story . " I 'm an orphan , and I barely had a friend . In the orphanage , I was the quiet one . I didn 't talk , I didn 't play . But somehow , during that summer camp , I felt free and I was forgetting that I had no family . After the summer camp , I returned to school and was broken , because they were my family and I got separated from them . It took me two years to get that thing off of my head and to move on with my life , " he said . He regarded my eyes for some seconds . " You know what ? I 'm not suppose to tell you this . We 'll stop here " " No ! No ! I 'm listening ! Please , I just want to know something about you . Anything ! " I said . " What do you care ? Huh ? All of a sudden you are interested to know me . Before this you were dying to escape and now here you are , sitting beside me and listening to my life stories ! " " Scott , please ! I 'm thinking differently about you now . And it doesn 't make any sense but I thiI was still on the ground , watching him leave . It was all my fault for not letting him to have a chance to talk about himself . I wasn 't going to give up , that wasn 't what my heart was telling me to do . I stood up and yelled his name . However he was ignoring me . " Scott ! " I tried again . " Scott , look at me ! " He didn 't respond and kept on walking to his car . " Theresa ! " I yelled . He stopped . " Theresa ! She would be so disappointed in you ! Whoever she was to you , she would be downhearted to see you as a coward ! You 're a lonely guy who doesn 't have anyone to talk to and when you do , you are backing off from me . She wanted you to live your life freely and now you 're giving yourself up to the police and you have no idea how does it feel like to be imprisoned , " I exclaimed . He turned his head to me and glared at me . I had pushed his button now and he almost reached his boiling point . " Don 't you dare saying something that you don 't know . Especially about Theresa , " he warned me . " Yeah , yeah ! Maybe I don 't know you that well yet , but at least I know something now . You are a coward ! A coward who is afraid to tell about his past and yet he is still kidnapping someone for no reason . I know what is your intention of kidnapping me ! You 're lonely and you need someone to talk to and when you do , you 're thinking that you 're making a big mistake . Well guess what ? You are wrong ! " " Stop it ! I swear I 'll kill you for this , " demanded Scott . He was stamping towards me and I knew that I wasn 't making a good decision . " Oh I 'm tired of listening to your threat and I 'm tired of you ! " He was standing in front of me with his beastly look . I didn 't feel afraid and yet , I was still continuing my speech . " You 're keeping all your problem to yourself and it is killing you . I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it deep inside you ! You 're dying and you 're giving up ! If I were Theresa , I would be very devastated to see you in a situation like this . What a sad person you are " " I 'm warning you again , don 't speak of Theresa ! " " Why ? Why don 't you want me to talk about Theresa ? Does it bother you ? We are standing in front of her grave and she might be seeing you like this in Heaven but does that bother you at all ? And you are feeling irritated because I keep on mentioning her name ? What kind of a sick joke are you ? You are afraid to move on with your life without her . YOU ARE A COWARD ! " I yelled . Later , I realized that I was on the ground , holding my cheek . He slapped me and I was petrified on the ground . My lips were bleeding and I had a bruise on my cheek . He was a really strong man . He saw my bleeding mouth and suddenly , and slowly he took the weight of his feet on the ground . I didn 't do anything , not even moving . " I 'm . . . I 'm sorry , " he said . " I 'm so sorry . . . I didn 't . . . I didn 't mean to hurt you , " . He was doing his best to apologize to me . I knew that he was regretting it . His expression had changed . I couldn 't believe my eyes , his eyes were watery and suddenly , a single drop of tear could be seen on his cheek . " She left me and . . . I 'm all alone . . . My life . . . is Hell , " he explained . I sympathized him . " I was such a control freak and I should have done something to stop her . And I will never get the chance to save her anymore . God ! I have such guilt over her and I don 't want to feel the same way to you , " he explained . I crawled slowly to him and I put my hand on his shoulder . I had no idea on how to make him feel better . I knew that he regretted of hurting me earlier , and I thought he did the same thing to Theresa and he could never forgive himself for that . " It 's okay . I 'm okay . We are going to get through this . I promise , " I told him . I wrapped my hands around him and I rested my head on his . It would sound insane , but this kidnapper wasn 't bad . From deep inside of me , I knew that I would do him a favor for his future . I had my fingers crossed for it . We were definitely in the woods . There was a path leading to somewhere in it , and I was suspecting that Scott was taking me to the deepest part of it . In my mind , he could easily kill me without being heard . That moment , I was trembling . Could this be the end of my life ? I was so scared until my tears were soaking my cheeks . And I could see Mum and Dad , Andrew , Annabelle and Marcia in my head . Somehow , I missed them so much and I was scared that I wouldn 't have the chance to see them again . I loved them so much . The road was bumpy so I accidentally hit the bruised part of my forehead on the window . It was painful , so I held my head and moaned . Ahead , I saw a building , a cabin actually , an abandoned one . I was guessing he was bringing me to the cabin . But what for ? The sky has already darken . and I could see the moon already . I guessed he wanted to stay for a night here . Was he crazy ? Of course . He stopped his car not far from the cabin . He went out from the car and examined the place . There was a well , and a boat rack and also a sign board which the writing had faded . It must be an old camping site . The cabin was entirely made of strong woods and it had fireplace too . Scott returned to the car and opened the door for me . " Here we are , " he said to me . And yes , of course , my right hand was still cuffed on the grab handle . I didn 't respond to him . I was scared . Maybe this would be the end of me . He would kill me and dumped me into the well like they used to do on TV . Okay , Annette , be positive . " I 'm feeling sticky . Don 't you ? " he asked me . What did he mean by that ? He released me from the cuff and warned me " This place is dangerous . Wild animals are wandering in the dark , so running away won 't be a wise act , " he maybe had a point there . And yet , I was feeling like running away from him right now . Either being killed by him , or the animals . Okay , I was trapped . I had no choice but to follow him . He was holding my hand while walking through the bushes and the dark . How could he see in the dark ? Suddenly , I heard something , and it wasn 't an animal . It was soothing and calming . Waves . Maybe there was a lake ahead of us . And I was right , there was a lake . A huge lake to be exact . It wasn 't dark there as the moonlight was so bright and beautiful . It was as if dawn . I saw a boat , roped by the jetty . We were approaching the boat . " You 're not going for a swim , are you ? " I said in fear . He looked at me and grinned " Better , " he said . He untied the rope and asked me to get on the boat . " No , no ! Of course not ! I won 't do such a thing ! " I yelled at him . He glared at me once more , and I was feeling intimidated by his glare . " I said , get on the boat , " he demanded . I had nothing to lose , so I took my first step into the boat , and then I sat down quietly , but terrified . He went on the boat and started rowing . I looked up in the sky , and I saw millions of stars glimmering in the galaxy . Too bad that was my final chance to enjoy such a beautiful panorama . We were now in the middle of the lake , and Scott had stopped rowing . Scott was staring at the stars too and he was amazed by them . I looked at him and he was totally mesmerized by the stars . He silenced and stared at me . I could see that he had loneliness in his eyes . I turned my head away because I didn 't like seeing him stared at me . My heart was pumping really fast at the moment . I was feeling so terrified . He kept staring at me , and I felt strange about it . " What are you staring at ? " I asked . He didn 't reply , but this time he looked into the water . Oh God , what was he going to do ? I was hesitating but I did what he asked me to do . I was balancing myself because the boat was moving and shaking while I was standing up . " Take my hand , " offered Scott . I took his hand and tried to balance myself again . And it worked . The boat didn 't shake anymore . It was balanced now . " Okay ? " he said . I nodded while looking down . I didn 't like him to look at me . " Take off your shoes , now , " he ordered again . I didn 't feel good about this . I didn 't bend over to take off my shoes , instead , I was using my foot to do so . What was he going to do now ? He kept on giving weird orders . Suddenly , he swung my hand to the left , bringing my body into the water ! I was struggling to breathe and to keep myself floating on the surface of the water ! I was gasping for air and tried to swim away , but which way should I swim to ? He was laughing , and was making fun of me . Did he think that was fun ? I almost drowned ! " Fun ? Fun ! ? Do you think this is fun ! ? I almost drowned and you can still have a good laugh about it ! ? " I yelled at him . He stripped his singlet off and his jeans , leaving him in a pair of boxer . As soon as he did that , he dived into the lake and swam around . I held on the hull of the boat to keep myself floating and watched Scott swam in the lake . He was a good swimmer . And then he approached me , and suddenly went underneath , leaving me in suspense . There was no sound of him and it made me feel scared . Suddenly , I felt his hands were grabbing my legs and pulled me underwater . The shimmering light helped me to see Scott 's face in the water . The scenery under the lake was so beautiful . I could see the weeds , and fishes and the glimmering stones . It was so amazing ! Then , Scott pulled me up again to the surface , and both of us were gasping for air . Then , we went back on the boat , and was still panting . He took the paddles and rowed to the bank . As soon as we reached the bank , he picked up his clothes and my shoes . He left the boat untied and watched the boat being taken away by the waves . " Well , that 's it for now . Bye bye boat , " he said . He offered his hand again . And this time , without any fear or doubt , I grabbed it and we walked back to the cabin . He searched in the car for his bag , and he found it , he gave it to me . " There are some clothes I bought earlier this afternoon . Why don 't you try it on ? Since your clothes are wet now , " he said . I took it and searched for clothes in the bag . And there was a long sleeved T - shirt and a tracksuit in it . It wasn 't fashionable but at least I had something to wear . Liar . He would take a peep if he had the chance . But , where else should I change ? I went to the back of the car , and changed . Wait a minute . My hand wasn 't cuffed and Scott wasn 't looking . I thought this would be a right time for me to run away . However , I was scared because of the wandering wild animals . If I 'd be more careful , I wouldn 't encounter them . " Done ? " yelled Scott . " Not yet ! " I replied . Okay , this would be the brightest chance for me . Scott was such an idiot . I peeped at him and he was still looking away . I ran . I ran as fast as I could into the woods . I was searching for the road which we used to come here . " Hey ! Come back ! " shouted Scott as soon as he found out that I was running away from him . I ignored him and kept on running away . However , I couldn 't find the road . So I just ran without looking back . If he got me again , I would be killed . I was running for five minutes , and I still couldn 't find any road . And I was in the middle of the dark and couldn 't see anything . So I rested my back on a tree and panted for air . I was tired , but I must kept on going before I got caught again . The woods was pitch dark , and was creepy . I could hear the sound of bats and wolves . I didn 't have to worry about it because they sounded from afar . Suddenly , there was an entity in front of me . And I knew it was Scott . I was scared that he would kill me on the spot . I was crying because I felt like I was losing hope of living . " Oh Scott , please don 't hurt me . I just want to live my life happily and I want to be with my family . Please don 't kill me here ! I just want to go home , " I begged him . He was approaching me and I couldn 't stop crying . However , his movement was strange , as if he was crawling or tottering or something , as if he was drunk . And I knew right that instance that that wasn 't Scott , right after it stood up gallantly and roared . It was a bear ! I couldn 't believe my eyes and I was petrified by the roar . My body collapsed on the ground but I didn 't fall unconscious . I was still looking at it ! It was huge and seemed starving ! Oh God , I was actually going to be killed by a bear ! It was approaching me slowly , step by step and roared again . The roaring made me feel so horrified ! Out of the blue , there was a fireball hurled to the bear . No , it wasn 't a fireball . It was a torch . It seemed like a fireball because I was in the dark . It was Scott . He waved the torch to cast the bear away from there . However , the bear wasn 't in the mood to surrender . It swung it paws to attack Scott , but Scott managed to dodge every single strike from the bear and performed a counter attack by pressing the torch against the bear 's skin . The bear moaned in pain but it didn 't mean that it had been defeated . It swept Scott 's legs and forced him to drop himself on the ground . The bear was standing proudly in front of defeated Scott as if it was saying " I owned you humans " . The bear had raised its paw to give Scott the fatal blow on his head . Suddenly , my brain and my body worked by itself . I picked up the torch which Scott accidentally dropped it from the fall and threw it directly on the bear 's nose . It was moaning painfully and tried to extinguish the fire from its nose . It ran away afterwards , leaving us unhurt . We walked to the cabin and I regretted for running away , unarmed , in the dark woods . I brought the torch too because Scott asked me to . Scott was mad . I could feel his anger . I was mad too because I couldn 't find the way out . " After this , I 'll cuff your hand to mine . So you won 't run away again , " said Scott . I was angry but I was too tired to fight back . So I shut myself up and kept on walking . Back at the cabin , he had cuffed my left hand to his right hand . So both of us were stuck together , and I couldn 't run away any longer . I threw the torch into the fireplace as soon as Scott had put the kerosene and some firewood in it . The flame engulfed the woods in seconds . And the heat could be felt too . Both of us sat in front of the fireplace while leaning against the wall . I was tired , and so was Scott . He was no longer feeling angry . We could hear the snapping sound of the woods from the fireplace . Both of us didn 't talk for a moment there . He didn 't answer and he looked away . I was expecting that too . He wasn 't talkative . He talked when he wanted to . I gave up and sat quietly while looking at the fireplace . Somehow , the fire amused me . " No . She 's my guardian . I called her Sister . She sent me here to meet more friends . I was ten years old back then . It was fun here . I loved my friends and the wardens . They were my family here . We ate together , swam together in the lake , played together , and slept together . For a month and a half Annette , I couldn 't be more happier , " he moved his head and looked at me . His hazel green eyes were shimmering and I could see my reflection in it . " I learned many things here . To cook , to swim , to paddle the boat , everything . Until one day , all of us had to leave the camp . The session had ended . We cried , yeah . . . But there was nothing we could do right ? " " We said goodbye and from that day , we 'd never seen each other again . We were kids and we had no cell phones or emails . Nothing . I miss them , a lot . That 's why I brought you here with me . I want to relive the memories which I had with them here , " he said . Once again , he turned his head away . I felt his loneliness at that moment . I thought , that was why he had kidnapped me . Not for money or sex . He just wanted to be accompanied . But why he had to do it wrongly ? It didn 't mean that I was feeling comfortable with him , I was still thinking a way to escape . I felt sorry for him , but at the same time , I was furious because he separated me with my family . I looked at the fire again , trying to calm myself down . I was too tired to be mad . " Scott ? You can 't do this okay ? You can 't force me to be with you . If you do it correctly , I 'll understand but you 're doing it wrongly , and it 's against the law ! " He didn 't move at all . " Scott ? " I shook his body slowly . He had fallen into a deep sleep already . I smiled . I had no explanation why did I smile . Suddenly , I just did . " Goodnight , Scott " I couldn 't figure out on what to do . All I could do was screaming and crying . I knew that it wouldn 't help my best friend , Annette , who was being dragged by a thug into his car . I was panicking and I couldn 't think straight . People in the mall were just staring at me and thought that I was going mad . I felt like the ground was spinning underneath my feet , making me confused . Tears were soaking my face . And seriously , I looked like a crazy girl . Until a noble man came across me and asked me what was going on and asked me to calm down . " Miss ! Miss ! Please calm down and tell me what happen ! " said the man . " Please ! Please , someone help Annette ! " I shouted . " Who 's Annette . And what had happened to her ? " He asked me . " Annette is being kidnapped by a man ! Please you gotta help her ! " The man 's eyes were bulging as soon as he found out what was going on . He took out his phone and dialed ' 911 ' . He put his hand around me , just to calm me down . However , it wasn 't helping at all . He spoke to the operator and briefly explained what had happened . " Calm down okay miss ? The policemen are on their way here , " said the man as soon as he hung up . He caressed my hair and waited for the policemen with me . Ten or fifteen minutes later , the policemen had arrived and interrogated me on the spot . They asked me for the man 's appearances and what kind of car that he was using . I couldn 't remember a thing about the man . What I 'd seen that he was tall and was Caucasian . About the car , maybe it was Volvo or Toyota ? Obviously , I was being useless at the moment . I went to my car and started the engine and drove away from the mall . In my mind , I was scared to see her mother , wondering what to tell her about this , or would she be mad , or my relationship with the family would be ruined . Anything could happen . I didn 't care . As long as Annette returns safely to her family . The policemen were following me from behind . I needed to be more helpful than I was earlier . What I remembered that the guy was tall and had scruffy hair . And I was quite sure that he was driving a Volvo . We had arrived to the Frederick 's residence and I saw Annette 's mother was watering the flowers in her yard . She seemed amused and happy with her flowers . However , I would deliver an unpleasant message to her . I went out of the car and called her name . She turned around and smiled at me . I couldn 't help it , I cried as soon as she looked at me . Her expression had changed . I went closer to her and gave her a hug and she was confused , plus worried too . " What 's wrong Marcia ? Is everything alright ? Where 's Annette ? " she asked me a question that I could barely answer . The policemen were approaching us and Anneliese were getting more concerned about the situation . I held on to Anneliese as strong as I could . I could feel that she was collapsing . Her knees went weak and suddenly , she was embracing me tightly and cried . " Oh my God , Annette ! " she was whimpering . Her heart was totally fragmented . Three hours of disappointment , I couldn 't help them . We were in the living room and a sketch artist was sitting in front of me while holding a sketch book and a pencil . And currently , the book was clear as if it was untouched , because I couldn 't give any description on the man . Anneliese and Harrison were standing beside the fireplace and Anneliese was biting her nail impatiently . She must be disappointed in me . " This seems useless , " I said to the sketch artist . I knew that I wasn 't doing any help . Anneliese was covering her eyes and sighed in distress . " Okay , it 's alright . We can figure out another way to help your friend . My team is working on the posters , so you have nothing to worry about it . We 'll find her soon , " explained the sketch artist . Anneliese was glaring at the sketch artist in disbelief . She was about to explode . I could see that from her eyes . " ' You have nothing to worry about it ' ? What are you talking about ? My daughter is with a psychopath and you 're telling us there is nothing to worry about ? How could you say that ? " said Anneliese irritatingly . " Ma ' am , we 're doing our best to help your daughter . We are doing posters and examining the CCTV of the mall . We are also searching for her outside of the town . So all you have to do is calmly wait for the results , " he explained . The sketch artist was staring at Anneliese , he couldn 't say anything by now . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll make sure of that , " he said approvingly . " No ! Don 't do that ! Stop her ! " But it was too late . Anneliese had already dialed Annette 's number and waited impatiently for the kidnapper to answer the phone . Suddenly , the call had been terminated and Anneliese wanted to try again , but this time , her phone had already been switched off . " No ! No ! No ! Please don 't do this ! " yelled Anneliese . She was calling Annette over and over again which probably seemed impossible for the kidnapper to answer it . She was devastated . Harrison went closer to her and hugged her . He knew that they must rely on the authority from now on . There was nothing much they could do . Not long after that , Annette 's brother and sister , Andrew and Annabelle , had arrived home . Andrew was anxious to know the progress of the investigation , and was disappointed when the policemen said they hadn 't found anything yet . And suddenly , someone knocked the door . Annabelle opened the door and found two detectives and they flashed their FBI badges at her . " Good evening . I 'm Detective Wong and this is my partner Detective Butler . We are here to help you with the finding . And hopefully you 'll cooperate with us , " explained Detective Wong . She was a detective with red - blood leather jacket and was Chinese oriented with short hair , and the other one was tall and muscular with a canvas coat . " We are still investigating . . . " suddenly , Detective Wong 's phone rang and she picked it up . " Detective Wong , " she said . She was nodding and focusing on the caller . Her eyes squinted and obviously she was having a good news . " Okay . Thanks for the information , " she said and hung up " Good news , there was a call from a diner outside of town which is probably an hour and a half away from here and they mentioned that they have seen your sister with a man . They were having their meal there , " explained Detective Wong . Annabelle 's eyes were bulging in excitement . Finally we had received a news which we were waiting for a long time . I knew that I was in a moving vehicle . However , my head was spinning around and I felt like I had just been hit by a car . I felt so dizzy , and my eyes were blurry . I swore to God that I could smell a roasted chicken . And God I was starving to death ! Then , I realized that my right hand was cuffed on the grab handle . Slowly , I regained my consciousness and looked at the road outside the window . I was at a highway but I couldn 't figure which one was it . I slowly turned my head to the driver , the one who kidnapped me . He was pale blonde and had scruffy hair with hazel green eyes and hadn 't shaved . He was wearing a stained white singlet and a pair of thorny jeans . He seemed like a homeless guy who had been in the streets for the rest of his life . " You have awaken , " he said to me without even looking at me . His voice was manly but young , and seemed like he was twenty or above . " Who are you ? And what do you want from me ? " I spoke with a weak voice because I was hungry and had no energy for talking . He silenced and didn 't respond to my question . He kept on driving without saying any word . I smelled the stench of a roasted chicken and my stomach was grumbling because of it . Maybe the guy had lunch while I was unconscious . He took a quick glance at me and touched my tummy . I was scared that he would do something painful to me , but I had no strength to fight back or even to cry . " Are you hungry ? " he asked me with a low voice . Of course I was . There was a bag underneath his legs . He took out a plastic bag which flashed ' K - Mart ' on it . He had been shopping too . Inside , there were three vanilla creamed bun which covers were colorful and had a picture of an animated elephant on it . I didn 't care about the cuteness of the cover . I tore off the cover with my teeth since I didn 't have enough hand to use . I wolfed down a bun in seconds because I was so hungry . Once more he searched into his bag and took out a bottle of water . I didn 't really need it until the second bun . I coughed in pain because I was choking on it . " Whoa . Slow down there . Eat it slowly , " he spoke again while I was drinking . I continued on eating the bun except this time , I took his advice on eating it slowly . " Please send me home . I don 't want to be with you . I just got a job and my life is almost starting and I don 't want you to end it . Please just let me go and I swear to God that I won 't tell , " I begged while having a mouth full . " I don 't even know you ! Sooner or later , the police will find you and take you to jail ! Is that what you want , huh ! ? " I exclaimed . Once again , he silenced himself and kept on driving . That was the first time I yelled on a criminal and didn 't get punched or slapped . Usually on TV , they do that to the victim if she 's pissing him off . I was angry and scared at the same time . I was thinking a way of escaping which was almost impossible because I didn 't know where to go . I wasn 't familiar with this highway . He might had brought me away from the town . " Please let me go . I won 't tell . I promise , " I begged to him again . I knew that it would be the same answer , but I couldn 't give up on this . " What ? Do you think that this is Dr . Phil 's show ? You 're kidnapping me ! Don 't you realize that ! ? This is not Barney and Friends ! " Once again I 'd yelled at him , but it seemed like he was a calm man . He didn 't even try to get me mad , but I was feeling furious at him for taking me away . He tried to touch my hair and I slapped his hand away . " Don 't touch me ! " I exclaimed . He looked at me in disappointment and continued on driving . " You will find out soon , " he said . Suddenly , I got goosebumps all over my body . Was he trying to kill me ? Or trying to rape me ? Suddenly , my phone rang . It was inside my pocket all the time . Scott looked at me as if he was worried about it . And I looked at him and my pocket , trying to figure out on how to answer the call . He shockingly stopped the car and pulled over at the sideways . Quickly , I took out my phone ( thankfully he didn 't cuff my left hand , and the phone was inside my left pocket ) , and he swiftly snatched my hand , and both of us were struggling to have the phone . " Let go off me ! " I yelled at him , and continued to fight for the phone . " Give me the phone ! " he yelled back at me . I 'd seen a chance of punching him and I took it before I lost it . I punched him right in the face and he recovered so quickly and grabbed my hand again . Unfortunately , he won the fight and snatched my phone from my hand . I was panting and glared at him in anger . He looked at my phone and read the name of the person who was calling me . It was from my house . Someone , whether Dad or Mum had found out that I was being kidnapped . Marcia , you did a really good job ! " Home , " he said to me . " Maybe it is your mother , Annette , " he continued . I didn 't say a thing , hopefully he wouldn 't throw my phone out of the window . He switched off the phone and squeezed it , unpleasantly . He threw my phone into his bag and started to drive again . " Fuck you , Scott ! " I couldn 't withstand my anger any longer . " You 're going to the fucking Hell , and I will be fucking happy ! Son of a bitch like you don 't deserve to live in happiness ! You fucking bastard ! " And suddenly , I made a wrong decision which was pulling his hair . " Aaarrggh ! " I screamed and shouted furiously . The car was going out of control as if it was being driven by a drunk man . Scott was screaming in pain and was trying to take control of his car again . The vehicles behind us were honking madly at us and the situation was completely chaotic . The car hit the steel divider and produced sparkling embers as the car was scratched by the divider . He managed to escape from my grasp and I tried to do it again . However , I didn 't have the chance as he slapped me right in my left cheek and my head spun and landed hard on the window . It was painful but I didn 't pass out . That was the most strongest slap I 've ever had . " Oh yeah ? You are going to kill me either so what do I care ? Huh ! I 'll fight ' til my last breath ! " I was being stubborn . I was about to strike again , but suddenly , he took out his gun and pointed directly at my forehead . " STAY THERE ! " he exclaimed . I could see that his hand was shivering . Maybe from the fear of killing me , or the fear of losing control of his car earlier . I was scared too . I mean , I didn 't want him to plant a bullet in my brain , so that time , I surrendered . I sat quietly and was still glaring at him furiously . He put his gun down and focused on his driving again while panting for air . The sky was getting dark , and the sun was almost set . And I was still wondering where he would take me to . I was feeling a little bit exhausted from the fight , and a bit hungry . I ate only three pieces of bun and it wasn 't enough . I needed a whole set of lunch . " I 'm sorry for what I did earlier , " he apologized to me . I was stunned by his words . He was a kidnapper , he shouldn 't be apologizing to his victim ? Should he ? " I had too okay ? You forced me to do it , " he continued . Was he having a mental breakdown or something ? He was actually apologizing to me ! I looked at his face , and I saw a regretful look . Maybe he was regretting for what he did to me . I was confused . I didn 't know how to tell him , but I had to before I passed out from hunger . " Scott ? " he didn 't answer me . " Scott , I 'm . . . I 'm hungry , " I didn 't care . He wasn 't deaf anyway . " Hungry ? " he paused . " There 's a diner just a couple of miles from here . But I don 't know if I can trust you on this . You might scream for help in that diner " Okay , that was I would do too . But I needed to convince him that I wouldn 't do such a thing . " Scott , I promise to you that I won 't scream . Okay ? I 'm hungry . And it 's killing me . Please ? " I said . He looked at me and I made a sympathetic expression so that he could stop for a meal . " Okay . But if you scream , I will kill everyone in that diner . Including you , if I have to , " he stated . I was pretty sure that I wouldn 't be more care less about the people there . As far as I concerned , I wanted to escape . We had arrived at the diner , at the parking lot . " Remember , don 't scream . Okay ? " he mentioned . I nodded . He took off the cuff with a key and I held my right hand as it felt stiff . He got out from the car and took me with him afterwards . I was thinking a way of escaping before we entered the diner . Maybe I should run for it now . After I took my first step into the diner , I saw a mother with her child , and an old man with his old wife . I remembered what Scott said if I escaped , he would kill everyone in the diner . At that moment , I didn 't have the heart to let the people in that diner die because of me . I would carry the guilt for my entire life . We sat quietly and waited for the waiter to come and take our orders . There was an African - American woman who strode towards us , with pink clothes and white apron . She seemed nice . As soon as she reached us , she took out her pen and her notebook . " Now , what would you like to have ? " she asked us . Scott was looking at me , waiting for my order . " I 'm not eating , " said Scott . Both Scott and the waitress were staring at me . The waitress was writing my order while staring confusingly at me . " Are you okay honey ? " all of a sudden , she asked me as if she knew what was happening to me . Scott was glaring at me , expecting my answers . I swore to God that I could hear his heart was beating fast , and the sound of him squeezing his hands really tight . " Really ? Are you sure ? What 's with the bruise on your forehead ? " she replied . Damn , she noticed my bruise from the blow earlier . " Oh ! Silly me . I had an accident in the bathroom . I slipped and knocked my head on the wall . Accident happens you know ? " I answered while giggling . Ten minutes later , my burger had arrived along with the newspaper that Scott asked for earlier . " Um ? Can I have some ketchup please ? " I ordered again . The waitress smiled at me and went to the cashier and took two sachets of ketchup for me . That gave me a bright idea , but I must be careful around Scott . I ate the burger slowly and only God knows how good it tasted like . And I was enjoying the food as if I had nothing to worry about . I took a sip of the soda and the cold sensation of the drink rejuvenated me . I 'd gained a lot of energy from eating the burger . " You really like burger , don 't you ? " suddenly Scott talked to me . I nodded slowly while engulfing it . He grinned as soon as I 'd nodded . Weird . He continued on reading the newspaper . I 'd finished eating the burger but I didn 't tell Scott about it . I had a plan . Hopefully it would work . I tore off the cover of the ketchup and slowly , I transcribed the word ' HELP ' on the plate . Scott didn 't notice it since he was focusing on reading the news . I covered the plate with a napkin , but carefully so it wouldn 't ruin it . After that , he returned to me and picked me up by my hand . The waitress went to our table as soon as we walked away from it . Hopefully she would get the message that I wrote on the plate . Outside , I kept on observing at the waitress through the window and suddenly , she looked at me with an unpleasant face , meaning she had read the message . I could read her lips and she was saying " Oh my God " . And then she nodded agreeably . She would help me . Help would come soon . It was not typical for a teenage girl like me to stay at home and did nothing after graduated from high school . I wasn 't lazy , it was just that , no one would ever want to employ me . I went to the local restaurant , bar , library , and even computer center to look for a job . They didn 't even want to interview me . What they said was " I 'll call you later " . But they never did . So there I was , listening to my iPod while going on Facebook . I did this for like over 3 months , and I felt bored like Hell ' cause nothing interesting happened on Facebook . I mean , yeah , I got like 60 - 80 notifications and 20 and above friend requests for a day . It wasn 't that intriguing because I was used to it . It was tiring , you know ? People were flooding my wall by posting " Hey , how are you ? " and " Hey , I miss you " and even " OMG ! You 're so pretty ! " , but it wasn 't worth it at all because I didn 't gain money from it . I got bored and annoyed by those people so I replied them by saying " LOL " . God ! It was so boring that day and I was wishing for something fascinating to happen on that day ! So it did . My best friend called me . Her name is Marcia , and she has been my best friend since I was in 3rd Grade . " Hey , what 's up ? " I said . " And don 't even think of asking me if I manage to get a job or something , ' cause I swear to God I 'll rip off your hair if you do " " They said that they are willing to pay you four dollars per hour . Look , if you want to go there , you ring me okay ? I 'll join you too . I hate my current job right now . My boss is a pervert " I hung up and felt so relieved , knowing that there was hope for me to get a job . But what I was worried that they would do the same thing too . Hopefully not because I was dying to turn over a new leaf . First , I needed to tell my parents about this job so that they could give me their support . My parents were the only people that I could talk to , other than Marcia . This would sound weird , but they are also my best friends . I saw my mother in the kitchen . She was flicking every pages in her cook book , wondering what to cook for lunch . She was a brunette , long hair and a thin body , and she didn 't even look like in her forties . Well , maybe a bit but it wasn 't that obvious . Her name is Anneliese Frederick . She didn 't realize that I was standing stationary in front of her . Her thoughts were preoccupied from thinking about the recipe . " Mum ? " I broke the silence . She looked at me and smiled and pushed her book away . It was weird but she told me before that she had to focus on the people who were about to speak to her . It would be very rude if she wasn 't paying any attention on the speaker , that was what she told me . " Well that 's great ! It 's great for you . I mean , you 've been looking all over the place to get one right ? So why don 't you give it a try and see how it turns out " I looked outside the windows , there was a mother and a child . She was holding her child 's hand while walking down the pavement . They reminded me of my parents , my brother and my sister , and myself when I was a little girl . Somehow , I felt sad about it . And I suddenly produced a sad expression on my face . My mother noticed it and she was curious . " What 's wrong honey ? Don 't you feel happy about this job opportunity ? " she gently laid her hand on top of mine . I looked at her hand , which was still a young hand , but the aging process was obvious , and I held hers . " Mum ? I 'm starting a new life . And after I have some money to get myself to college , I 'll be leaving you alone with dad . Won 't you be lonely when I 'm gone ? " I said it calmly . She looked into my eyes with a happy - but - sad face . " Oh Annette . You 've been a good daughter for us . Yes , I 'll feel lonely . But at the same time , I 'm feeling proud of you , and myself for doing a good job as a mother " I tried to smile but this was a bit painful for me . I mean , I would leave her for living a new life of my own . Was this how it felt to be a grown up ? I was waiting for her to continue with her speeches . Suddenly , she stood up from her seat and went to the refrigerator and took off one of the pictures that she put on its door before . She looked at the pictures and she strolled towards me . She sat in front of me again , and showed me the picture . It was a picture of me with Andrew and Annabelle , my brother and my sister . " See this picture ? See how little you were ? The moment I took that picture , I imagined myself looking at three of you as adults . Having families of your own , being successful with your dream job . I saw all that in a second . And now , I can 't believe myself that it is coming true . Andrew is a step away from being a lecturer , and Annabelle is now a wife of a great man . And now it 's your turn . You are taking your steps towards all that . And I can 't be more proud than I am now . " I know that it will be hard to live without you Annette , but it is something that I must face for your own sake . You must live your life to the fullest ! The night you were born , I was praying to God , so that He will make you a better person in the future . And now He has answered my prayers . One day , when you 've met your true love , the man of your life , you will feel the same way too . Remember what I said to you Annette . I want you to feel the same way for your children too , " she ended her speech with tears . I looked at her , smiling weakly while looking back at me . I couldn 't hold my tears too but I didn 't want her to see me crying . So I smiled at her and said " I love you , mum " Suddenly , my father burst into the house by the front door while mumbling about his broken wrench . " Bah ! Such a pain in the neck ! You know that one of the sprinklers is busted , and I was about to fix it and suddenly my wrench is busted too ! " His name is Harrison and he was a bit muscular and hadn 't shaved for a while . After seeing my mother was in tears , he asked " Did I miss something ? " Mum swept her face and shook her head . I stood up to avoid any sudden questions and told him about the job . " Dad ! This afternoon , I 'll apply for a job at the new toy store . And I can 't wait to be an employee right now ! " I exclaimed . I strode towards him and hugged him happily . Oh wow , it had been a while since the last time I hugged him . I was getting taller I guess because I could put my chin on his shoulder now . He was a tall man . That explained the height of my brother , Andrew . Truly , it was a very happy moment , but at the same time , it was sad because I was taking my steps towards adulthood . That afternoon , I was preparing myself to go to the shopping mall and apply for that job . I was getting my lipstick on , and did my hair neatly , and wore smartly for the walk - in interview . I wore my favorite gray knitted dress which was made by Mum during my sixteenth Thanksgiving . Suddenly , I heard honks outside of the house . Must be Marcia , she had arrived in time . So I went down the stairs and saw Mum in the living room . So I gave her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and went outside . It was very exciting ! I couldn 't believe that I would finally get a job ! I entered Marcia 's car with a sweet smile on my face . The car was moving . On the way to the mall , I talked to Marcia about what happened earlier . And she said her mother did the same thing the morning before graduation . I think that 's what every mother will do when her children are taking their first steps towards adulthood . I guessed so . Thirty minutes later , I was standing in front of the toy store which had a ' Wanted ' sign on the window . So I was guessing this job would be easy to get because they were lacking of employees . The toy store wasn 't an ordinary toy store . It was a classic toy store with old but precious toys in it . Like an antique shop but for kids . So I went inside , looking for the manager of the store , and believe it or not , the cashier was also the manager . It was so sad to know that . That was why he was desperate . The manager was an old guy which probably in his late sixties with white hair and a bloated stomach " Hello there ! Looking for classic toys ? " the old manager asked us . Better , we were trying to help you . " Um ? Hello Mr . . . . " I glanced at his name tag and it flashed the name Sanders . " . . . Sanders " I continued . " Both of us are looking for a job and we heard that this store needs employees . I was wondering maybe we could apply for a position at this store ? " " Ah ! Yes , yes ! We need them very badly . Wait here , " he said . He went into the office of the store and searched for files . I wondered that he was searching for application forms for us . I was wandering around the store . It was kind of amusing to see the toys were moving and making funny noises . There were stuff animals and dolls on the rack and they worth a fortune too . Old , but expensive . Suddenly Marcia called me and showed me a toy , which was very fun to play with . It was a miniature wind up Merry - Go - Round . I twisted the winder and the Merry - Go - Round started to spin and produce a beautiful melody with LED light on the horses 's diamonds . I was enchanted by the toy . Seemed like I was a child who had fallen in love with a childish toy like that . " That is 1988 's " the manager 's voice startled both of us who were mesmerized by the toy . He was holding the forms . He was smiling and he looked like a kind old man with his smile . " No , no . It 's fine . I haven 't seen any adolescences like you which have interests in old toys these day . Even the children nowadays have no interest of playing with these old toys , " he told both of us . Sad , wasn 't it ? He handed us the forms and asked us to fill it up . We sat on the small chairs with a small table . Seemed like they were meant for children , or dwarfs . After filling it up , we handed the form back to Mr . Sanders . He smiled at us and said " Thank you Annette and Marcia . You can start tomorrow at 9am , " he smiled while speaking to us . Wait . . . What ? No interview ? We exited the store and babbled in excitement . We were planning to go shopping on our payday and hang out together . We were really happy at the moment . I called Mum to deliver the news and she was so happy for me . All of the excitement made us feeling thirsty and hungry . We were at the parking lot when suddenly Marcia realized that she had left her phone in the toy store . Hopefully the manager would be nice enough to keep it for her . Of course he would , he seemed like a nice old man too . She ran into the mall and went to the toy store . I was left alone outside of the mall . It wasn 't that hot . It was cloudy on that day . Lucky me or I 'd be burned by the sun . I had waited for Marcia for ten minutes and she hadn 't showed up . Damn ! I was starving ! Where was she ? Had some chit chat with the store manager ? I searched into my handbag and produced my phone . I called her and she picked up and said that she would reach me soon . Obliviously , someone was standing right behind me while I was on the phone with Marcia ! Suddenly , I felt something was being pressed on my backbone . " Don 't scream " It was a man . He was pointing a gun at me ! I was feeling so scared but I must not show my fear to him . I must calmly negotiate with him . " Okay , I will cooperate . I 'll give you my money , my phone , just please don 't kill me okay ? " He silenced and was still pointing the gun at my back . I was trying not to scream because he had warned me . He had been quiet for awhile and I was wondering what he was waiting for . " I don 't need your money . Don 't scream " What did he want with me then ! ? I was terrified when he said that he didn 't want my money . Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was completely engulfed by my fear . " Please don 't hurt me , please ? I 'm begging you . I 'll do whatever you want me to , okay ? " Suddenly , I heard someone was calling my name at the entrance of the mall . It was Marcia . Suddenly , the man produced a white cloth and put it on my face . It was chloroform . I was struggling to escape , but he was embracing me strongly . I could hear that Marcia was shouting my name over and over again and cried for help . She couldn 't do much of everything because she was terrified too . Slowly , I lost my consciousness and passed out . Marcia 's voice had faded away and I couldn 't see anything . And after that , I couldn 't remember a thing . What would happen to me ? Would I die that day ? Would I be raped by the man ? God knows . All I could do was praying , even though I was unconscious . I was praying to God that he wouldn 't hurt me . After the gruesome incident at McKinley warehouse , Ellie and Flint had been rained by questions , interviews and tabloids . They couldn 't live in peace . Everyone was asking them preposterous questions about the vicious murders and making defamations about them . The news were telling stories about them , every single thing was absolutely bashing them . They couldn 't live with it anymore . Those were just the news flash . Everyday they could see their names in local newspaper , making false conclusions about them . " DEMON HUNTERS ON DRUGS " , " STUDENTS MURDERED PRINCIPAL " , " AN UNBELIEVABLY FOOLISH FACT " . Why couldn 't they let Ellie and Flint live in peace ? They had been through a lot of things and were saving the town , but was this how they repay for what Ellie and Flint had done ? People were being cruel to them . So they had to move on . Ellie sat on the sofa , watching a news about her . She was feeling massively disappointed with the citizens of McKinley . For what she had accomplished , this was the prize for her . She knew that her life wouldn 't be the same again . People would keep on ambushing her with absurd questions . That would take her sanity away , she could become crazy . When she returned to school , everyone was looking at her like she was a corrupted child who had use so many drugs and was hallucinating about the demon . She knew she was sober , even the blood test had proven that she was squeaky clean from drugs . She never touched them before . But what could she do ? No one believed in her anymore . For them , Ellie was an unfortunate child . Flint thought it was time for him to move on . He had to protect Ellie from the citizens of McKinley . For all he cared about , Ellie must live in happiness . However , he knew that he wasn 't doing a great job . Ellie always on the phone with him , almost everyday , crying about her new life . Flint couldn 't take it anymore . He wanted to live with Ellie in happiness . Ellie had always been mocked and insulted by the bullies at school , and for the sake of Ellie , he fought with them , but he was the one that brought bruises back home . Ellie was touched to see Flint was willing to sacrifice himself for her . However , SHE couldn 't watch him being tortured everyday . Detective Stone and Flint 's grandparents had discuss about their problem and they had decided to move them away from McKinley , where it would be safe and peaceful . However , Ellie and Flint didn 't agree with the plan . Ellie fought with her father because she didn 't want to move away from Flint . She knew that she would be separated from Flint and only God knows when they would be meeting again . It was the same for Flint . His grandparents decided to give him away to a priest who they knew very well in New York . His late adopted mother was a nun , so they thought it would be better if Flint lived with a priest . At first , Flint refused , but to think again , Flint knew if they were separated , Ellie would get her life back and she would be happy . He knew that Ellie wouldn 't have the heart to leave him and probably would be miserable without him , but he wanted her to be in peace from the people of McKinley . He decided to go on with his grandparents 's plan . " Ellie ! Listen ! I can 't stand from hearing and watching you cry almost everyday ! And I can 't let you be in sorrow ! So I had to , Ellie ! It is the only way that we can escape this , " said Flint . " What ? You think I 'm not gonna suffer when you 're gone ? Like I 'm not gonna be in sorrow when you 're not there with me ? " " At least you can live in peace ! There 's no other people who look at you like a crazy person ! I don 't want that to happen to you and I don 't want this ' thing ' to continue ! We have to move away , Ellie . That 's the best solution " " We will . We need to be patient until the day we 'll see each other again . And I promise to you , I will wait for that day " Ellie couldn 't hold her sadness . She hugged Flint and cried sorrowfully . She didn 't have a heart to leave Flint . She needed Flint to be with her . " Don 't worry , Ellie . We 'll be together again , and I 'm very sure after we do , we 'll be happy again . But right now we have to sacrifice for each other . And I don 't want to see you cry again . Promise to me that you wont cry again , okay ? " said Flint coaxingly . Ellie nodded but her face was soaked in tears . Flint was right . They would be seeing each other again . All they need to do was to wait for that day . At the railway station , Det . Woods , Det . Stone , Ellie and Flint was waiting for the train patiently . The station was crowded with people , some of them were going to work and maybe some of them were going on a trip , but she doubt any of those people were escaping from tabloids except her and Flint . Suddenly , Det . Stone and Det . Woods took out a present for each of them . It was wrapped in a shiny wrapper and was dark blue and was kind of small as a size of a purse or a wallet . They thought it was a purse or a wallet . Ellie and Flint unwrapped the wrapper and produced a box which had a picture of a digital camera on it . It was a digital camera , obviously . They were surprised to see it and took out the camera from the box immediately . Ellie 's was silver coloured and Flint 's was dark blue . They were right , they needed it right at that moment . Ellie and Flint turned on their cameras and viewed the surrounding on the LCD screen of the camera . It was absolutely clear and very sharp . Must be very expensive , they thought . " Hey Flint ! Smile ! " said Ellie . Flint stood stationary while pointing at his new camera and smiled sweetly . Ellie clicked on the button as soon as she got a better view of Flint . Det . Stone and Det . Woods giggled as they watched the kids 's act . Suddenly , an announcement was made , saying that a train to New York was arriving . Flint heard the announcement and suddenly , his mood changed . Ellie nodded . Every single cell in her body was telling her to not let Flint go off from her sight . However , she fought it . She had to let him go on with his life . She was confused , her heart beat was beating faster and she couldn 't control her emotion , but she promised to Flint that she wouldn 't cry again . She was biting her nail nervously . Flint was about to step on the stair of the bridge to get across . She stood there stationary and watched him from afar . " Flint ! " screamed Ellie . Flint turned around and saw Ellie was running towards him . As soon as she reached him , she hugged him tightly and kissed him on the lips . Flint held her cheeks and locked his lips on Ellie 's . It was both beautiful and saddest moment of their lives . Ellie let go of his face and stared at him in the eyes , so was Flint . Her heart beat was suddenly slowing down and she had fulfilled her wish . She smiled and continued to hug Flint tightly . " I love you , Flint , and I always do , " said Ellie emotionally . Flint caressed her hair and touched her fluffy cheeks again . " I love you too , Ellie , and I always do , " replied Flint romantically . They let go off each other . Flint gave Ellie a quick and final smooch and stared into her beautiful eyes once again . It was time for him to leave her . He went up the bridge and had crossed to the other side of the station . He waved at Ellie and Ellie replied him with a swift wave . Suddenly , her mind was playing all of her memories with Flint like videos on YouTube . The time she looked at Flint at the first time they met , the time she put her hand on Flint 's hand in the cafe , the time he hugged her , the time he calmed her down at her house , the time he carried her on his back and much much more . It was absolutely beautiful and the most happiest moment in her life . She had found her one true love . Flint 's train had arrived and he entered the train and sat near the window to look at Ellie for the final time . He put his hand on the window , and Ellie could see his sorrow . She wanted to faint , she wanted to die . She couldn 't live without Flint . But she had to , for Flint and for herself . A minute had passed and the train had moved , inches by inches and finally sped up . Her eyes followed the train , looking at Flint until the train had disappeared from her sight . She dropped a single tear but she couldn 't cry , feeling sad was enough . There was no need to cry . It was not the end , it was more like an ending of an episode . Another episode was awaiting and she hoped that one of them was an episode which she would be meeting Flint again . Flint had gone , but not forever . They would see each other again . They 'd promised . 4 years later , Ellie was 20 and was walking in her 5 - inches heels on the street of New York . She worked there now . She was working as a secretary in a modelling agency . She was on the phone with her boss , asking her about the progress of the new upcoming modelling show in Los Angeles . She had given so many ideas to her boss , and her boss was impressed with her enthusiastic ideas . She then went into a yellow taxi , which was waiting for passenger . " 6th Avenue please ? " said Ellie to the taxi driver . The taxi driver nodded and started driving . " Okay , Mr . Luther . Okay , okay , I 'll see what I can do sir . Okay sir . Good day sir , " said Ellie . She then lay her head on the window , looking outside . Then , she looked into her Gucci handbag and produced a camera . She switched it on and looked at the picture of someone she loved so much . Flint Gordon , 4 years ago . She smiled alone and wished that she would meet him again . Flint was eating his sandwich in Beau goût , a French cafe . He was wearing a hooded jacket and a pair of light blue jeans . His hair was long and a face that hadn 't been shaved for a while . Even though he sounded messy , he was loaded with money . If he wasn 't he wouldn 't be sitting in a French cafe . He looked into his jacket 's pocket and took out a camera . He turned it on and browsed through pictures and finally stared at Ellie 's picture . He smiled and hoped that they would meet again someday . He glanced at his wristwatch and it showed 3pm . " My God ! I 'm late ! " he said . He went to the cashier and paid for his quick lunch . He then waited for a taxi but strangely , there was no taxi in sight . Suddenly , there was a taxi showed up from the corner and was approaching him . " Taxi ! " he summoned . He noticed that there was a lady in the taxi , and he knew that the taxi wouldn 't stop . Unexpectedly , it stopped , and the lady went out from the taxi while looking at her camera . Quickly , he held the door and accidentally knocked the lady 's camera off from her grip . The camera made a snapping sound from the fall . Without looking , he apologized . Ellie was picking up her camera because a guy just knocked it off as soon as she dismounted from the taxi . She examined her camera , worried that it might be busted from the fall . She noticed that the camera accidentally snapped a picture of the guy who had ran into her . At first , she wanted to delete that anonymous picture , but suddenly . . . She recognized the man . She looked for the taxi , but it was no longer in sight . It had disappeared . " Flint . . . " she said slowly . It was Flint . She had bumped into him . So close for them to see each other again . However , she wasn 't feeling worried . They might see each other again . Both of them lived in New York . They will meet again . One day . . . The final battle had begun , it was the moment that they had been waiting for . Unfortunately , they didn 't plan the strategy that much . So they had to do everything that they could to kill the monster . They looked at each other , eagerly , wanting for this final battle to be ended sooner . They couldn 't be possibly waiting even for a minute anymore , they couldn 't waste any time . Now it was the time , to finish the evil . Flint nodded . He ran and hid behind the forklift . There was a sound of footsteps outside . The demon must be on foot before started climbing again and leaping like a frog . They must be ready for this . The footsteps were closing in . They could hear that the footsteps were getting closer , and louder , and finally , stopped in front of the door where they went through before . Ellie was scared to see the demon 's face again . At first , she noticed that she didn 't breathe right . She must calm down and be brave . Like Flint told her in her dream . Wait a minute , Flint ! She remembered that she shouldn 't be afraid . She HAD to be brave . She had nothing to be scared of , knowing that Flint would always be there for her . And now , look at him , risking his own life to kill the demon with her . She shouldn 't be afraid . Not now , and never again . She saw his determination to protect her from anything . That was why , she fell in love with him , her one true love . Remembering that made her fear to be flown away . She was no longer afraid of the demon . The front door creaked , something was going inside . Suddenly , Ellie stood up and walked away from her hiding spot and went in front of the door , just some feet away . " Ellie ! What the hell are you doing ! ? " hissed Flint . Ellie ignored him . She was determined to kill the demon , not wanting to let it live even for a second . She knew that they were lacking of strategy and she knew she was doing something that was plain stupid , but she didn 't care . She wanted it to stop . Flint , her father , and Judith had protected her . Now it was the time for her to protect herself and others . The door was slowly opened , making Ellie feeling so nervous because of the suspense . " Come on , bitch ! Show yourself ! " hissed Ellie . Flint was feeling worried about Ellie and he was confused , wondering what she was doing over there ? Was she trying to kill herself ? Or was she giving up already ? By the look of her face , she wasn 't surrendering . She was being brave and determined to kill the demon . He had to join her . He couldn 't just sit there and let his girlfriend being killed . The door was fully opened , it was dark outside , they didn 't see anything outside , leaving a great suspense in that warehouse . Suddenly , a man showed up with his gun was being drawn , followed by his woman partner . It was Det . Stone and Det . Woods . " See ? See ? ? This is why I go alone with Flint , because we believe that there is something out there chasing us ! But you didn 't ! You didn 't believe even though I told you since Mr . William 's incident ! " Leaving Det . Stone and her daughter to quarrel , Det . Woods went to Flint to examine his status . " Are you okay ? " said Det . Woods . Flint was focusing on their debate but was startled when Det . Woods asked him a question . " The biggest trouble about this is that people don 't believe in us ! They should have seen it by themselves ! But no , they think they are matured enough to believe at something crappy like this just like you did to me ! I was almost murdered by it and now you 're saying that you still don 't believe me ? " explained Ellie . " Ah ! You should appreciate me more ' cause I am now going to stop that demon from murdering innocent people again ! And now you 're saying that I 'm not appreciating what you 're doing to me ? " " Yes ! You don 't ! I 've been investigating about this whole massive carnage and I , myself , don 't believe that it was a wolf which could do all this terrible thing ! " Det . Stone took out some pictures in his jacket " See ? I told you I 'm investigating to save you ! " Ellie observed one of the pictures thoroughly . She seemed interested with the picture . It was a picture of a body in a pub . However , she wasn 't interested with the body , she was interested with what lay next to the body . It was shiny and made from pure steel . It was a necklace , which had emerald letters attached to it . The letters were ' JM ' . She recognized that necklace instantly . She had realized something . She knew instantly who was the human form of the demon . However , she couldn 't believe with what she was seeing and thinking . However , she had to believe it because there was no time of denying . " STONE ! ! " screamed Det . Woods . Det . Stone and Ellie looked at Det . Woods . She seemed amazed by something because her eyes were bulging and her mouth was partially opened . Flint was pulling her hand just to take her away from there . She was pointing outside of the warehouse . And there it was . The demon was standing gallantly outside of the door with its tongue sticking out of its mouth . Det . Stone slowly put his hand on the holster , to take out his gun . He did that slowly just to make sure that he wouldn 't astonish the monster . But the monster had crouched . It was getting ready to leap , maybe would take Det . Stone down first . All four of them started running . The demon was leaping faster than before , its movement made it almost invisible . It was too fast . Ellie knew what she had to do , but she was waiting for the right moment . The monster knocked down Det . Stone , forced him to be thrown on the wall . The monster had spread its claws and leapt toward him . With all the agility and skills , Det . Stone evaded and performed a counter - attack . He had kicked the monster out of his way and the monster was barely moved because its body was harden and heavy . Det . Stone couldn 't believe that his kick couldn 't hurt the monster . If the demon was a human , it would be smiling at him now . The demon used its huge paw to bash Det . Stone on his head , throwing him again into one of the boxes . It was about to finish him but suddenly there was a gun shot . Det . Woods shot the monster at the back of its shoulder . The monster turned around and stared at her . She continued to shoot at the demon which was twice her height and her size . It seemed that the monster couldn 't be weaken by shooting at it . It was approaching Det . Woods with its spreading claws . Suddenly , the monster stopped , glaring at Det . Woods eyes which were filled with fears . Det . Woods couldn 't move at that moment . The only thing she could do was staring at the demon . The demon raised its claw to kill Det . Woods . " Woohoo ! ! Yippekayyay ! " It was Flint . He was driving a forklift with a single hand and was speeding towards the demon . He ran over the demon and slammed the demon into the wall . The demon was stuck and suddenly remained silenced . Flint immediately ran away after he ran over the demon . Det . Woods went to Det . Stone and helped him to get him on his feet . He was kind of dizzy from the hit . Ellie was inside a file room which had so many racks . She walked around to find something that could burn those alcohols in the boxes . Suddenly she heard a cry . A cry for help . " Help ! Help I 'm hurt ! " the voice was coming from behind the rack . She searched for the voice and found Flint was bleeding badly on his stomach . Ellie brought Flint out from the file room and head towards the storage room . She could use alcohols as pain killer for Flint . However as soon as she arrived at the storage room , she was terribly in shock to see Flint was running towards her . " Ellie ! That 's not me ! " yelled Flint from afar . Then who was the one she was holding ? She looked at the other Flint , and that was not Flint at all . It transformed once again into a demon . She dropped it and it was creaking and snapping like it was having a hard time to re - transform into a demon . They climbed on those boxes until they reached the top . She knew what to do . And it was her only chance to kill the demon before the demon undergoes another metamorphosis . She remembered what the article said . Once the demon had grown a pair of wings , it would be too late to kill it . She must hurry before it 's too late . Det . Stone and Det . Woods were waiting for the demon to show up again . This time they had their guns loaded . Maybe it didn 't work before because only Det . Woods was shooting it alone . Now , they wanted to try shooting it together . The demon was searching for Ellie and Flint after finishing its transformation . It cancelled its plan after seeing Det . Stone and Det . Woods were waiting for it . It was coming closer to them . " Now ! " yelled Det . Stone . Both of them started firing and those gun shots had echoed all over the place . However , it seemed that their plan didn 't work . The demon kept on approaching and it couldn 't be weaken by shooting it . " Damn it , Stone ! It didn 't work ! " yelled Det . Woods while shooting . Up ahead , Ellie and Flint was waiting for the right moment for the monster to stand on the right spot . " Dad ! Save a bullet ! I need to use it ! " yelled Ellie from above . Her father nodded . Flint and Ellie looked at each other and nodded to give a signal that it was time to drop off the load . " Push ! " said Flint . They pushed the alcohol boxes from above and hit the monster below . They pushed another boxes which contained stuffed animals and electronic devices and crashed onto the monster once again . They climbed off the boxes and Ellie asked for his father 's gun . " I know what to do dad . And it 's time to finish all of this madness , " said Ellie . Her father gave her his gun , putting Faith on his daughter . Ellie went closer to the rubble , which the demon lay underneath it . Alcohol sprayed and flowed on the floor , stuffed animals all over the place and electronic devices crushed and busted on the floor . Suddenly , the rubble moved , the monster re - appeared and had hurt badly from the damage . It was soaked in alcohol . The demon glared at Ellie angrily , like it was so desperate to kill her . Ellie glared at it too with a vicious expression . She pointed the gun at the demon . She must end this once and for all . " I know who you are . You have deceived me , lied to me , and made my life like hell . I know where did you come from , son of The Unnamed Demon . Now , it 's time for you to go back to Hell , " said Ellie . Suddenly she burst into tears " How could you ! ? I trusted you ! I was there when you had problems ! And as a payment , you make me feel miserable ! ? " The demon was speechless , it didn 't make any roar or growl . Everyone was confused . Ellie could talk nicely to a demon ? It was like she was motivating it . Ellie wiped her tears off of her face . " I 'm so sorry . But I have to do this . For the sake of innocent people . And the ones you had killed . You must pay for what you 've done " Silence , there was nothing to be heard . The demon had stopped from moving and Ellie was shaking and was nervous . " Judith Merriman ! " screamed Ellie at the top of her lung . The demon roared and held its head after hearing its human 's name . So it was Judith ! To think back , it was rational . Judith knew about Mr . William 's death while the other students knew about it a day later . And her body was never found when the demon had entered Ellie 's house . Finally , her necklace was lying next to a dead body in the pub where Ellie and Flint was seeking for help . It was no coincidence . She had pulled the trigger . Once the bullet had hit the demon , flame was engulfing it . Everyone could smell the burning flesh . The demon roared and was struggling to get the fire extinguished . However , there was nothing it could do . It kept on burning until it lay still and died . It was over . It was finally over . Ellie closed her eyes and felt relieved . Flint went to Ellie and hugged her . Ellie cried on his chest and he watched the demon burned . He couldn 't believe that demon was Judith too . But it was too late for denial . All of their hardwork , had finally paid off . Nurse Carson was a male nurse and was checking on a patient 's status at the reception post . He examined it thoroughly and was on his way to the patient 's ward . According to the status , the patient was recovering and didn 't have to stay in the hospital any longer . He was going to announce it to the patient . However when he arrived at ward A - 114 , there was no one there . The bed had been made and it was tidy . " What the hell ? Where is this Flint Gordon ? " . He entered the room to observe it and check if the patient was in the toilet . Tap ! Tap ! Tap ! " Mr . Flint Gordon ? Are you in there ? " said the nurse . There was no answer . The toilet 's door was not locked so he opened it and saw the toilet was still squeaky clean . He felt so strange . There was a cafeteria at the ground level but no one could ever go out from that level without a nurse 's permission and supervision . He was a head nurse on that floor so he should know where the patient 's whereabout . " Nurse Carson , " a voice startled him from behind . He turned around and saw a girl with brown hair and green eyes . She had a bandage on her head and both of her palms . She was looking at him blankly . " Oh ! Ellie Stone ! Um ? Do you know where Flint Gordon is ? Your friend ? " said Nurse Carson . " He must be wandering around , finding some fresh air " " But he needs to tell me first . If not I 'll be dead ! " said Nurse Carson . " That 's okay . Flint wont leave me alone , " said Ellie while closing the ward 's door . Nurse Carson was confused to see Ellie 's act . Was it necessarily to close the door ? " Um ? Why are you closing the door ? " he asked . Ellie was closing in while strutting seductively towards Nurse Carson . " Oh , nothing important . Just want have a private time with you , " said Ellie while getting her hand into Nurse Carson 's uniform , touching his bare chest . " What are you doing ? " asked Nurse Carson nervously . " Nothing . I 'm just wanna smell your perfume , " replied Ellie flirtatiously while digging her nose into Nurse Carson 's neck . Nurse Carson felt the warmth of Ellie 's breath . The he realized he couldn 't go on with a patient . That would make him living on a street with a bowl in his hands . So he grabbed Ellie 's hand and tossed it away from his chest . " Look you can 't do this . I have something important to do . Now tell me again , where is Flint Gordon ? " said Nurse Carson angrily . " Aww . Nurse Carson doesn 't want to play with me ? That 's too bad " " You 're wasting my time . I 'll search for him by myself " He was approaching the door and was about to leave the ward . Suddenly , he felt that he was bound to something . Something was Detective Stone and Detective Woods were in the car , on their way to the hospital . Det . Stone was holding a bag of Big Macs and French fries to give to Ellie and Flint in the hospital . Ellie loved Big Mac since she was little . Det . Stone remembered when Ellie cried because a dog stole her Big Mac and he had to buy another one for her . That was when Ellie was at age 7 . " Harold ? Is there something on your mind ? " asked Det . Woods . " Oh , nothing . I just remembered that Ellie cried to me just because a dog stole her sandwich . She was 7 , " said Det . Stone . " Look at her now . Grown up and beautiful . You 've done a great job raising her without Sherry , Harold . You 're a great father " " She looks a lot like Sherry , Olivia . When I look at her face . . . I don 't know . I think I 'm looking at Sherry and I don 't want to lose her . Never " " Don 't worry Harold . We 'll take care of her okay ? " " Yeah , we better do . Oh God now I 'm hating the chief . How could he ? " " Don 't worry about him . We 'll take care of him . After all , we 've been a great team since you and Sherry were dating back in the 90 's . Such a . . . " she stopped as soon as she saw 2 police cars in front of the hospital and some of the men were wearing FBI jackets . " FBI ? What the hell ? " said Det . Woods . As soon as Det . Woods and Det . Stone arrived at the parking , they went out from the car and walked towards the FBI to ask why they were there . " I 'm Detective Stone and this is Detective Woods . What the hell happened here ? " said Det . Stone while flashing his card . " I 'm not quite sure . They said one of the nurse has been killed in a ward . His neck was twisted . And there is a report saying that 2 of the patients had escaped from the hospital , " said one of the FBI . " What ! ? Where is the location that the body was found ? " " In ward A - 114 . We believe that the patient killed the nurse to escape . They had escaped by a 1994 Honda Civic which had been reported missing " " Ward A - 114 ! ? " That was where Flint was treated ! And next to it was A - 113 , Ellie 's ward ! Det . Stone and Det . Woods rushed into the hospital and went to the reception post and met a nurse . " Det . Stone and Det . Woods . Can you show us the visual of the patients who had escaped ? " said Det . Stone . " Yes , sure . Here you go , " said the nurse kindly . Det . Stone observed the visual which showing the parking lot and he saw a 1994 Honda Civic was parked near the bushes . A minute after that , Ellie and Flint showed up on the screen . That was their biggest mistake ever . They forgot about the CCTV . " Oh Ellie . What have you done ? " Ellie and Flint had just got out from the library and was on their way back to the Midnight Light Motel to get the car to run away again . They were discussing the plan to get the monster killed but somehow none of it was making a sense . The only problem was , they didn 't know who was the demon 's child . If they could get the name , it 'd be easier . To burn the demon it would be so difficult because the demon was so agile . They could be killed before burning the demon . So they had to get the name to slow it down and burn it afterwards . They walked next to the electronic shop where TVs were displayed behind the glass . Suddenly , Ellie noticed that the TV was broadcasting a news . " Flint , wait , " said Ellie . " What is it ? " asked Flint . . . . two of the McKinley Hospital patients have killed a nurse and escaped from the building . It is believed that they have escaped by using a 1994 Honda Civic . They are Ellie Stone and Flint Gordon , which are also the students of McKinley High . They were also spotted when their headmaster , Doug William had been killed brutally that evening . . . " Oh my God , Flint ! That 's us ! We didn 't kill that nurse ! ? " exclaimed Ellie . " We didn 't ! The demon did ! It had tracked us down ! That 's great ! " said Flint in excitement . " What do you mean by ' great ' ! ? We are in the most wanted list right now ! " " No ! That will make our job easy now ! But we must make a plan . That demon is coming to us now . In any time it will appear again . We must get ready for the final battle Ellie ! It 's our final hope to save all the people in this town ! " explained Flint . " But . . . " " There 's no ' but ' Ellie . We almost there ! Whether kill or be killed . But we have to go on foot by now . They have known about the car . The article said that the demon loves to live in a jungle . Do you know a jungle nearby here ? " " Yes I do and I think I know where is the demon 's nest is . There is an abandoned warehouse in that jungle . If it is not , then it is okay . The demon will soon track us and find us . That will give us time to make a plan to kill it " " Great ! ShIt was already night and Ellie was so hungry and tired from walking . She knew that they couldn 't arrive in time if they walked . They need a transport . Ellie was squeezing her stomach with her hand . Flint was hungry too but he didn 't show it in front of Ellie . He was shy . Both of them were exhausted but they couldn 't waste a minute because they knew if they were a minute late , it 'll be over for them and the citizens of McKinley . They had to get going . " Flint , I 'm hungry . I 've never been this starving before . My stomach hurts , " said Ellie . " Hold on Ellie . I 'm hungry too , " persuaded Flint while putting his hand around Ellie . They kept on walking , exhaustedly . They couldn 't do anything about it . They were in the middle of nowhere . However , they could see a jungle not from there . They just need to walk a little bit more , and probably hold on a little longer . Flint didn 't know what to do . He couldn 't let Ellie in pain . He felt sorry for her . She had gone through a lot of things . Just like him . He had an idea but he must withstand his pain . " You don 't have to worry . I don 't feel pain anymore . Not with you . Come on ! Hop on ! It 'll be fun , Ellie ! " Ellie was worried about his hand . But seeing him offering her to hop on his back was kind of sweet , she thought . For her , Flint was her true love , sacrificing himself for her happiness . " O . . . Okay . " She climbed on his back and he continued to walk . " I can only hold your left leg ' cause , you know ? My other hand is busted . Haha ! " he said while laughing . Ellie smiled when she heard that Flint was laughing . He had a funny laugh . Ellie put her head on Flint 's shoulder and whispered to him " Thank you Flint " . Flint was so happy to hear that . At least that was what he could do to help Ellie at the moment . " Anything for you , " said Flint . Ellie fell asleep on his shoulder . " Ellie ? " whispered Flint . Ellie didn 't answer as she were already asleep . Flint knew that she was exhausted . He smiled and whispered " Sleep well Ellie . " He could feel her heart beat from his back . Slow and steady . He thanked to God that He had introduced him to Ellie . He remembered when he was asking her out , then Ellie held his hand , when they almost kissed at Ellie 's house . It was a remarkable moment . He stared into the jungle . Dark and scary . There was a road in the jungle . It must be leading to the warehouse , just like Ellie told him . He went into the jungle , not knowing the danger that was awaiting him in there . He could hear the sound of an owl and crickets . It was pitch dark , the only thing that shone in the darkness was moonlight and fireflies . So he could see the road , but it was unclear . He could see a huge figure ahead of him , a building . Must be the warehouse . He kept on walking but slowly because he afraid that Ellie might be slipping off of him . However , it was a little too late to be worried . She had already awaken . Flint bowed down and Ellie dismounted from his back and repaired the crumples on her shirt . They continued to walk towards the warehouse . It was not far . Just a couple of steps left . It was huge . They stared at the warehouse for a minute . Not knowing what should they do now . Ellie tried to open the warehouse 's door but it was locked from inside . Flint assumed that the door must be rusty . So maybe he could help with the door . " Ellie , stay back , " said Flint . Then , he kicked on the door and the banging sound echoed through the forest . He kicked it continuously and the door produced a cracking sound . Suddenly , it was widely opened with a bang as the door hit the wall . Dust rained down on the floor and the warehouse was pitch dark . They couldn 't see anything in there . So how they could find a switch to switch on the light ? " Should we get in ? " said Ellie . Should they ? Flint looked around for power box and he saw one on the right . " Ellie ! Follow me , " said Flint . He went to the power box and opened it . There was a lever inside the box . He assumed that the lever was for the light . He lowered down the lever and he was right . The warehouse seemed to be alive and roaring for power . The light had shone the darkness inside the warehouse . " It worked ! " said Ellie . " Lets go inside , " she continued . Inside was huger than they thought , but filled with boxes and barrels . They went inside and observe the place thoroughly . The boxes are 10 years older than them , containing alcohol bottle and toys and electronic devices which were very old . She was wondering , how could the power can be turned on when the place was much older than they thought ? It must be the power saver , she thought . Suddenly , they heard a roar outside . But it sounded different than before . It was coming from outside the jungle , the road which they had gone through before entering the jungle . They were awaiting for the monster to enter the warehouse , praying to God that He would give them strength to fight this demon . They were scared but they must withstand it . It was up to them now . The fate of mankind is in their hands . |
Unfortunately , I 'm not . I 've been to prison before , of course - any good supervillain has . The odd bank robbery , maybe a hostage situation . Property damage , that kind of thing . Frankly , I 'm of the opinion that if you 're a supervillain and you haven 't been to prison , then you 're just not setting your sights high enough . And boy did I set my sights high . Tornado swarms , a pair of force - 5 hurricanes . The wind was at my fingertips , and everything was going my way . For a while , at least . My mother 's house in Queens was just like I remembered it . A squat little brick affair set back from the road . You had to walk up a couple of steps from the sidewalk and open a flimsy little gate to get to the front door , which she never used anyway . As far as she was concerned , only visitors would use the front door . It opened into the living room , which she kept spotless with the kind of obsession that soldiers usually reserve for cleaning their guns . The living room was the one room in the house that I never went into , on pain of death . Back when I was still into that whole " following the rules " thing . By the time I grew out of it , my rebellious urges had grown pretty far beyond sitting on mom 's plastic - covered sofa . In her house , the side door was good enough for family . There was a moment of dreadful silence , and then the slow unlocking of the five deadbolts that she 'd installed over the years . The door cracked inward , and I saw half of my mother 's face peek out of the darkness . I spread my arms wide and dropped my duffel bag to the ground . " Ma ! " I said , forcing cheer out in my voice in waves . " Look who 's home ! " Her dark eyes glanced up and down just once . Then she said , " Come around to the side . " The door slammed , and she slowly started redoing all the locks . My mother 's house was like a time capsule , where everything just stopped changing somewhere around 1992 . She had the same appliances , the same fixtures , the same wallpaper . I felt bad when I realized that I had never once offered to buy mom a new fridge or something , no matter how much I stole . She 'd never say anything , of course . But I knew that she knew that I was thinking it . Somehow . I suppose that everyone goes through this when they grow up , but my mom looked so … small . Her hair was dark , but there was gray starting to show through , and she moved more slowly than I remembered . She was wearing houseclothes - a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that matched . This from the woman who had a knockoff Chanel and a fake pearl necklace that she would wear just to go out to the supermarket . Something had happened to my mother , and I suspected that it was somehow my fault . She put the iced tea on the table in front of me and then took the remaining chair . The tea was super - sweet , of course . For a little while , it was just us and the tick - tocking of the cat clock on the wall . " That hurricane of yours ruined my gardening . " She gestured out to her tiny backyard garden . The usual chaotic rush of flowers and vegetables was just a broken pile of leaves and stems . " It was just about time for the dahlias , too . " I shook my head . " I never let them know who I was , " I said . " A friend of mine hacked into the Department of National Security database for me . They think I 'm from Jersey . " This got as much of a laugh out of her as I could expect - a dry chuckle . And that was it . She walked down the hall to where my old room used to be . I was by myself in the museum kitchen , just me and my iced tea and a spare costume in the duffel bag . And no plan . No idea what I was going to do next . I stood up and looked out the window at the garden . Amidst the mess , mom had cleared out a space in the corner . There were a couple of plants growing there - I have no idea what they were . Green is green , as far as I 'm concerned . But they were growing . I concentrated a little , and a brief rain fell around the plants . Just a bit of water sucked out of the air . Nothing dramatic . A little rain . Mom wouldn 't let me go too far , I was pretty sure . She couldn 't solve my problems . She couldn 't make the police leave me alone , or make the heroes let up or anything like that . But there was iced tea . There was a bed and some time to sit down and figure things out . A young man in a well - worked suit of leather armor walked down the aisle to the small table that had been set up below the throne . He handed over a little wooden disc with the number " 54 " printed on it in careful brushstrokes . Uster examined it to make sure that handwriting was his own - it was - and that it was one of the chits that he had made - and it was . He dropped the chit into a basket on the floor by his side , made a little tick mark next to the number on the elegantly - inscribed roster , and then impatiently gestured for the young man to sit down . Which he did . " Name ? " Uster asked . The Lord Clerk looked the way he sounded - small , drawn and pinched , as though that was the way he thought clerks were supposed to look and so that was what he became . The young man 's face brightened . " There are those in the far - away Elven kingdoms who call me Corisen , the Defender of the Walls . In the tongue of the Dwarfs I am - " The young man deflated again . " The ever - verdant fields of … ? " He trailed off as Uster glanced up . " From Twarlock , " he said . " Nestled in the Afansi mountains , " he rattled off before Uster could stop him . Uster made a short , skritchy - sounding note on the parchment . Then he looked up , and his face softened into what he probably thought was an expression of amiability . It just made Ajek more nervous . " And what is it you think you would bring to a royal marriage with the Princess , Ajek ? " he asked . Ajek tried to look over his shoulder at the King , who was leaning against one arm of his throne and slowly dozing off . The princess was beside him , and she was completely absorbed in reading a book . She really was beautiful , with dark skin that was made even darker by the gown of shimmering silver and white that she wore . Her hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail , keld in place with a tiara of diamonds , and Ajek was sure that if he could see her eyes , they would shine in the dimness of the audience chamber like burnished gold . Uster cleared his throat and reclaimed Ajek 's attention . " Well , " the young man said , wrenching his eyes away from the princess , " I come from an excellent family - we have been the stewards of Twarlock for twelve generations . " Uster made a noise of faint approval and scratched a note . " I have spent all my years learning swordplay and hunting , " he went on , " and I have been well - schooled by the head clerk of my family in the running of a household . " " Hmm , " Uster said . " I don 't know the name . " He made another note . " And what is your feeling towards the role of women in governance ? " Ajek licked his lips and glanced up at the thrones . The king had his head in his hands , but the princess was finally looking at him . He had been right about her eyes . " Thank you , " Uster said . He made another note and then moved that sheet to another pile . After a moment , he glanced up at Ajek . " You 're still here , " he said . " The interview is over , young man . " Uster made a shooing gesture . " Off with you . " He looked past Ajek to the remaining suitors . " Next ! " Uster stood and turned at the same time . " Your Majesty , " he whined , " I am only trying to do what is best for Her Highness ! " He made a perfunctory bow towards the princess , who nodded back . " This is the task you gave me , sire . " The king sighed . " Indeed I did , Lord Clerk , " he said , " but when I did so , I was unaware of the lengths you would go to . " He gestured to the waiting crowd of men . " You 've been at this for weeks . " Uster held up a finger and then pulled a small , folded piece of paper from his sleeve . " If you may , your Majesty , your exact words were : ' Do whatever it takes , Uster . Make sure my daughter marries the right man . ' " He folded up the paper and put it back in his sleeve . " This is whatever it takes , your Majesty . The wheels of courtship may grind slowly , but they will grind fine . " Uster exploded in exasperation . " Would you have her marry an inferior , your Majesty ? Some hay - haired , slack - jawed outlander who probably has a sister at home just in case this doesn 't work out ? " The king glared at him , eyes narrowed , but Uster went on . " I , for one , will not trust the union of your only daughter - " again he made a small bow , and again , she nodded " - to some random chance or a silver - tongued devil . I will see her married to a man who represents the best your kingdom has to offer or I will die trying ! " The king waited a few moments before he muttered , " That may be sooner than you think . " He sighed again and the turned to his daughter , who was watching the exchange with interest . " My dear Cherin ? " he asked . " I suppose it 's up to you ? " Princess Cherin smiled at Uster . " I think our Lord Clerk has everything well in hand , " she said . " I know he will find the right husband for me . " She nodded at Uster , and he made a small bow back . " Keep looking , Lord Clerk , " she said . " I expect my new husband is closer than we think . " Uster bowed a final time , and then glanced over at the King , who made a bored gesture and settled back in his throne . " Next ! " Uster called . The king has never taken kindly to republicanism . It doesn 't come up often , but every now and then one of his subjects gets the idea that the people should rule the land for themselves . That the king has no more right to rule than any other man . That leaders should be chosen for their skill , not accepted for their accidental grace of birth . He likes to watch , just like his mad father did . He sits close enough that he can see everything , far enough away that there 's no chance of blood landing on him and spotting his precious silks . He claps and cheers when the head comes off , and he orders it brought to him as soon as possible after it stops rolling . He has a theory that they 're still alive , you see . That somewhere , for just a few minutes , the spirit of the man - or woman - is still hiding in that head . And it 's still able to hear , perhaps to see , maybe to understand . His Majesty loves the idea of holding their head as their soul flies off to a better place than this . Then he throws it to that deranged , inbred bastard of a son as a kick - toy . And he gestures to me , and it 's time to bring out the next one . I sweat and weep under my hood , but of course I dare not remove it . Sometimes I dream , though . I dream that I throw off my hood and put the ax to the king . I watch his pale , spotty head fly off into the sky , spiraling blood behind it . And when it lands , it looks confused for a moment , right before the light fades from its eyes . The blood flows everywhere , all across the land , and now my ax handle is a mile long . The blade is a hundred miles across , and when I swing , the kingdom dies . There will be no revolution here . Not for a long time , I think . And no matter how much I may sympathize , when the mob finally comes to the castle , the king 's executioner is going to be bit by his own blade , no matter how much I swear I was on their side all along . This is how things are , and this is how things will stay . For now and forever . I can 't stop the executions . His Majesty finds them far too entertaining . The captain of his army finds them too useful . The priests find them instructional . He laughed and shook his head . " No wonder . " He looked like me - or rather , like the version of me that I carried around in my head . He didn 't have the softness at the waist , the thinning hair , and a zit at the end of his nose . He didn 't have uneven stubble and rings under his eyes . His skin was clear , but darker than mine . He had an olive complexion that I lacked and that I suspected probably tanned really well , the bastard . His jawline was strong , and his hair was the same gold - red as mine would be , if I took the time to treat it properly . He was wearing a simple grey suit that looked like it had been made for him , and probably cost more than all the t - shirts and jeans I had folded up in my closet . He nodded while looking around the room . " Yeah , " he said . " You 're being phased out . " He stepped over to the crappy IKEA bookshelf in the corner . " You still read ? " I took the bowl off my stomach and levered myself off the sofa . " Listen , " I said , trying to put as much bass into my voice as I could . " I don 't know who you are or what you think you 're doing here , but you need to get right the hell out . " I pointed at the door . " Out , " I said again . " Now . " I was always slow to anger , so I had to admit that a lot at this point was an act , but still . A guy walks into my apartment from … well , from nowhere , and that made me confused . And upset . Angry wasn 't all that far off . He put the book back and stared at me for a moment . " Oh , " he said in a small voice . " Oh , now that was just adorable . " He reached out and started patting me on my shoulder . " Maybe He 'll let me keep you . " He looked around again . " Is that seriously the toilet over there ? " He turned and started walking . " Hey ! " The anger was starting to kick in , but it wasn 't the kind of righteous anger that the state of Texas lets you use to shoot intruders . It was a more panicky version of that . It was the kind of anger you would expect when someone talks to you like you 're a dog . In your own house . I grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him around , and he had the nerve to look surprised . " Oh ! " he said . " You 're still here . " He glanced into the bathroom , which I had to admit needed a lot of work . " You know , I 've been wondering how you people deal with all that stuff coming out of you every day . " He lifted my hand off his shoulder and crossed his arms . " Does it bother you ? It would bother me . " He looked at me for a moment , then turned and wandered off to the kitchen . " Maybe I 'll just have this whole place gutted and start again from scratch . " I was baffled , and that 's what got me crying . I don 't like to cry , and usually I save it for really good movies or the occasional book or grievous injury . But if there was one thing that was guaranteed to get me going , it was something like this : utter helpless confusion . Not a common situation , I grant you , but it worked . My eyes started to run , and my nose followed soon after , and all I could get out through the hiccoughing breaths was " I . . I don 't underst - understand ! ! " I thumped back against the wall and slid to the floor , holding my head in my hands . That got his attention . He poked his head around the corner and then the rest of him followed . " Hey , " he said gently , squatting down next to me . " Hey … Ryan ? Is that your name ? " " Hey , Ryan . " He put an arm around me and lifted me up . " Now I know it 's normal to feel a little confused right about now . Things are changing , and they 're a little scary , right ? " Again , I nodded . Part of me was incredibly , massively offended at his condescending tone , but that part wasn 't ready to go just yet , so I sniffled along like the mess I was until he sat me down on the sofa . " Now , " he said . " You guys were supposed to be notified about this , and if you weren 't , well , it 's not really my fault . So don 't go taking it out on me , okay ? " I nodded again , but my eyes were starting to clear , and the smug look on his face was just beginning to register as punchable . " You people are being replaced , " he said . " By us . " He smiled , and I nearly recoiled from the beauty of it . " We 're you , only better , " he said . " Think of us as human 2 . 0 - all the benefits , none of the flaws . " He leaned back and put an arm around me . " We 're intelligent , creative , compassionate , interesting . And we don 't have all those nasty parts that He let evolution get away with . All the psychodrama and the tribalism and the ancient biomechanics . " He chuckled and poked my in my generous belly . " Why He let this nonsense go on for as long as it did , I 'll never know . I mean , it 's not like you people are still scraping food off the Serengeti , am I right ? " The man didn 't let me respond , but just barreled on forward . " We can see better , run faster , think faster , live longer than you old - model humans ever thought you could . We 've got access to vastly wider ranges of senses , far more resistant to injury , have a much more flexible and thorough immune system and , just for fun , we get access to one more physical dimension . " He held out a hand and … something appeared in it . It looked like a tube that was connected to itself , with something that may have been liquid flowing across the inside and outside of the tube at the same time , but never actually falling away . It made me want to throw up . " Neat , huh ? " he said . He closed his hand and the horrible thing vanished . " Anyway , you guys had a good run , right ? A few million ? " He patted my shoulder and gave it a squeeze . " You should be proud of yourselves . I bet He 's going to send you all to a nice farm upstate or something . " He looked at me like I just asked why water was wet , though to a guy like this , water being wet might not be something he 'd really had to think about before . " It 's the Creator , " he said . " It 's God . " I wanted to laugh . " But … but there is no God , " I said . " I mean , scientifically speaking you can 't really prove that - " I was cut off by an explosion of laughter . He rocked back and forth on the sofa , holding a hand to his eyes and just shrieking with laughs . He tried to speak , but only hoarse whispers came out , which turned into all new cackles . Finally he stood up , giggling , and looked at me again , which set off a whole new round . As that peaked , he flung out one hand , and another man stepped out of an invisible fold in spacetime . " Hey - " The man made a noise that sounded like my name , if my name could somehow be opened up , filled with the entire truth of my being and then very carefully sewn shut again . The moment he said it , I thought I had died . " What 's so funny ? " This second man looked suspiciously like my best friend Jaime , or at least like Jaime would like to think he looked . " This guy , " the Me double said . The Jaime double looked over at me for a moment , and then started as though he hadn 't known I was really there . " He said - " He paused to catch his breath . " He said - " He was really trying to get it out , but each attempt made him laugh more , which made the Jaime laugh , which made me angry . " He said there is no God ! " the Me finally got out . " Seriously ? " The Jaime looked astounded . " He really said that ? " He started to laugh too , though with less abandon than the Me had . " Man , you people are just adorable , " he said , tousling my hair . " I hope we get to at least keep some of you . " " I know ! " the Me shrieked . " I said the same thing ! " He wiped his eyes as a few last laughs bubbled up out of him . " Oh , I needed that , " he said . He sat back down on the sofa next to me . The Jaime was already wandering around my apartment , opening doors . " Look , " the Me said . " I 'm sorry if He let you guys think otherwise , but believe me - there 's a God , He has a plan , and I hate to be the one to tell you , but y ' all aren 't a part of it . " He stood up and joined the Jaime as they started remaking my apartment . Walls melted away , appliances transmuted and transformed . Green leaves burst from the walls , unfurled , and released clouds of tiny golden butterflies . The whole apartment began to expand and inflate , becoming infinitely large without actually changing size . The view from the window burst into daylight , overlooking a vast rolling green field where I had been forced to look at the brick wall of the building next to mine . The Jaime and the Me were talking in words that unfolded into entire ideas , and I stood by myself in the midst of a new and terrifying world . There was a little throat - clearing nose behind me , and I turned to see a small woman wearing a black suit . She was standing next to an open door that led into shadow and smiling warmly at me . " Come on , " she said . " Come on here and we 'll get you taken care of , " she said . She patted the doorframe . " Come on , " she said again . I looked around at the trans - dimensional majesty that had once been my dingy one - room apartment . The Jaime was gone , but the Me was still there , rearranging great clouds of stars in the sky . I wasn 't sure if he was the size of a mountain and very far away , or the size of a human and right next to me . He had shed his suit , and his perfect body hurt to look at . I looked down at my stained sweatpants and faded ironic t - shirt . The woman was still waiting for me , still smiling that kind , sad smile . I suppose I had no choice . The world was becoming a place that wouldn 't be right for people like me . Human Beings 1 . 0 , or whatever we 'd be called when the Me and the Jaime went to a museum someday . I turned to the door and the shadows , and the woman took my hand . There was no telling what was beyond the door , but I hoped it was something a little more mundane , a little more three - dimensional . A little more human than this . The living room of the Browning house smelled of lilies and expensive wood polish . It was small , and looked smaller with the crowd that had been assembled inside . Detective Branden Horne wanted to smoke a cigarette , but dared not . The wrath of Mrs . Browning would overpower her need to know who killed her husband , which was the reason all these people were assembled . On top of that , he knew that he would have far too much to answer for before the afternoon was over as it was . The five other people in the room were the most likely suspects for the murder of Christopher Browning . Elton , his son , looked like his father in miniature - tall and pallid , as though someone had taken a normal young man and stretched him out with a roller . His liquid brown eyes always seemed to be on the verge of tears , and he looked down at his over - large feet in despair . His sister , Trudi , was almost his opposite . She was short and heavy and outgoing , and wore colors so vivid that they hurt to look at . Even during the investigation of her father 's death , Trudi had been relentlessly cheerful , which was enough to increase suspicion in Branden 's eyes . Curtis Hancock had been the hardest to convince to come to this meeting . He lurked in a back corner of the room and scowled , except when his eyes lit on the widow Browning . When he saw her , his ruddy face softened and he looked nearly like the person he 'd been before she decided to marry the richest man in town . If the crowd could have taken a vote on who the murderer was , Curtis would 've been hanging before the sun went down . Addie Horton was standing next to Mrs . Browning , with a cup of tea in one hand and the other on the shoulder of her grieving best friend . She had brought over one of her hand - made prayer shawls - " A prayer in every stitch , " she 'd said when she put it around Mrs . Browning 's slumped shoulders . Addie wore the role of best friend well , and it made Branden wonder how much she really knew . Finally , Celinda Browning herself . She had been older than her husband when they married - he was a millionaire at forty - five , and she was a divorced schoolteacher in her fifties . But they had fallen in love and retreated out to his favorite country house . There she taught some local homeschool children while he indulged in his artistic hobbies . They lived a life that seemed idyllic to anyone looking in , and as far as anyone knew they were perfectly happy . Five days ago , Christopher Browning had been found dead in his workshop , bludgeoned to death by one of his own hand - made scrap metal sculptures . His wife hadn 't seen him since the day before and wanted to check up on him , but she couldn 't even enter the workshop due to the overpowering smell of solvents and acids that he used in his work . She called the police , who sent in a HAZMAT team to retrieve the body and make the crime scene accessible . When they brought out his body and gently removed the ventilation hood from his head , Celinda had to be held back by three officers so that she couldn 't embrace her husband and contaminate the body . " Thank you all for coming , " he said . " I 've always wanted to do one of these drawing - room reveals . " He chuckled , but no one else did . No one was even looking at him . He cleared his throat . " You all know what happened , " he said , " but I wanted to update you on what we 've found so far . " He took the investigation folder from his briefcase and flipped it open . " Christopher Browning was killed by repeated blows to the head with a large metal object . We think the killer was right - handed , but that 's not much to go on . The killer left no fingerprints and no DNA evidence that we could find . And the isolated nature of Mister Browning 's workshop means that there were no eyewitnesses . " He snapped the folder shut . Branden took a handkerchief from his jacket pocket , and a small plastic bottle from his briefcase . " There are lots of reasons why someone would want to kill Christopher Browning , " he said as he uncapped the bottle . The faint smell of eucalyptus blossomed in the air , and this finally got their attention . He dripped the pale blue liquid into his handkerchief . " Money , love , revenge - those are the reasons that people usually kill . " He capped the bottle and put it back in the briefcase . " Honestly , I don 't really care why one person kills another . All I care about is that the killer gets caught . " He put his hands behind his back and started to pace . " I talked to all of you , and really I think all of you had reasons to kill him . " They watched him as he walked back and forth , and he relished drawing out the moment . " As I said , there was very little solid evidence left behind , and I had a lot of work to do as far as investigations go . " He shrugged . " Most criminals are stupid . They make a mistake and leave something behind . " He stopped and looked at each of them in turn . " This killer did not . " He walked back to his briefcase and took out a small glass bottle , filled with a pale yellow liquid . " That doesn 't mean , however , that the killer didn 't make a mistake . " He uncapped the bottle and swiftly brought the handkerchief up to cover his mouth and nose . The room went mad . Celinda Browning doubled over and vomited onto her shoes , just moments before her daughter did the same . Elton groaned and held his stomach , his face reddening as he willed himself not to lose control , and Curtis was on his feet , waving his hand to try and clear the air around his head of the horrifying sulfurous stench that had erupted around them . Branden smiled under the handkerchief , even though his eyes were beginning to water . He 'd confiscated the stink bomb from his son weeks ago , and had been looking for a good chance to use it . The capstone of a murder investigation was as good a time as any . He put the cap back on the bottle and went around the living room to open the windows , gripping the handkerchief in his teeth . The smell would never really go away , but he figured that Mrs . Browning would have enough money to get it ripped out and cleaned . Knowing that his little stunt revealed her husband 's murderer would be some small comfort . When he turned back , the group was glaring at him , in between heaving breaths and groans . Elton had the collar of his shirt up over his nose , and Trudi was helping Addie guide Mrs . Browning to the sofa . After a moment , Branden lowered the handkerchief and blinked a few times at the lingering smell . " Mrs . Horton , " he said to Addie . " How are you feeling ? " " How am I feeling ? " she said over her shoulder . " That was an ugly stunt you pulled young man . Poor Cellie is already in enough distress ! " Her face went flat and she narrowed her eyes . " If you must know , " she said , " I was born with no sense of smell . " She sniffed , and Branden suppressed a smile . " It 's something I 've never been terribly thankful for , until now . " Branden nodded . " I thought so . " He put his handkerchief and the little bottle in his pocket . " When I visited you , you were doing laundry , right ? " Addie nodded . " I remember that , mainly because I was wondering what kind of detergent you used . The basket in your arms should have smelled like flowers or sunshine or something , but it actually had quite a whiff of metal oils and some of the other chemicals that the deceased used in his craft . Not a smell most people would want lingering among their clean clothes , I thought . So I did a little asking around . " Addie Horton had gone pale as Branden talked , and she looked around the room as though she was looking for someone to come to her rescue . All she saw , however , was anger and astonishment . She was starting to breathe more quickly , and Branden readied himself for anything . " You didn 't know what the workshop smelled like , Addie . You had no idea . " He took another step closer to her and she flinched . " You killed him . The smell stuck to your clothes and you brought it home . " Branden nodded . " You 're right - we can 't . But I only said that we had very little evidence . Not that we had none . " He smiled sheepishly . " The thing about fingerprints ? I lied . " Addie gasped . " Then all this … ? " She looked around the room , at the people who were pale and sick and furious . Mrs . Browning looked like she was ready to pass out again . " Why did you do this ? " Addie asked . " I needed to be sure , " Branden said . " And like I mentioned , I 've always wanted to do the drawing - room reveal . " He took his cell phone out from inside his jacket . " You want to come quietly ? " he asked as he flipped it open . " Or do I need to call in some back - up ? " The moment hung in the air , and Branden honestly wasn 't sure which way she would go . Finally , she just slumped and nodded . Branden dialed his phone . " It 's over , " he said . " Come on in . " He reached out and took her shoulder . " Cellie , " she said , turning in his grip . Mrs . Browning looked away from her . " Cellie , I 'm sorry . " She tried to reach out , but Branden pulled her away . " I can 't explain , but … I 'm so sorry . " She crumpled to the floor as she said the last words , and Branden caught her in his arms . He held her there , in silence , until the other officers came in , handcuffed her , and led her away . She checked her hair again and wondered if maybe she should have worn the lighter blue suit . She 'd always been told it looked lovely against her dark skin , and today was a day she 'd need all the help she could get to look lovely . Her brother was coming as part of his campaign tour , and she needed all her energy just to keep from screaming at him in front of the inevitable media barrage that would surround her house in a few hours . If it had been up to her , she would have told him to go to hell . She would have told him that she would sooner let her house be torn up by rampaging mobs of wild animals before she would allow him to bring his campaign to it . When he told her , she couldn 't even summon enough words to yell at him - she just hung up , only for him to call again . And then once more . The next call after that , however , was from their mother , laying down in no uncertain terms that this was important for Musad . This was what would put Musad over the top in the polls . If everything went right , Musad would become the first Muslim governor in the country , and there was nothing that his older sister was going to say or do to jeopardize that . To which Dema replied that she wanted nothing more than to do everything in her power to jeopardize his career . That had elicited a very quiet and simple response from her mother . Dema checked her watch again and the doorbell rang . She could feel herself grinding her teeth and took a moment to loosen her jaw . She took a quick look around the house and hated herself for the hours she 'd put in cleaning it up . It wasn 't much . It was a starter house , set into the suburbs , far from the city and all the apartments and roommates that had let her down over the years . The street was leafy and the lawn was green , and she ached at how perfectly middle - class and American it was going to look when it showed up on TV . The young blonde woman at the door was Ashleigh French , one of Musad 's campaign advisors . She was talking into a small earpiece , the kind that everyone was using and made it look like someone had filled the mall with schizophrenics , but she turned around as soon as she heard the door open . " She 's here , gotta go , " she said , tapping the device to turn it off . Her face lit up in a gleaming white smile . " You must be Dema ! " she cried . Dema gripped the door handle . " I live here , yes , so I suppose I must be . " She let go and extended a hand to Ashleigh . " You 're Ms . French ? Musad told me - " Ashleigh waved the hand away and came in for a hug , which Dema received with all the warmth of a block of stone . " Call me Ash , " she said , letting Dema go . She pulled her phone out from her pocket and tapped at it a few times . " I 've heard Musad talk about you so much I feel like I know you already . " The other woman looked up for a moment and then laughed - too high , too loud . " Of course he 's coming , " she said . " The crew is about fifteen minutes away , and then your brother 's bus is coming later along with a small press convoy . " She checked the phone again . " Just a few networks - CNN , NBC , FOX , you know , the usual . " She looked up and around the front yard . " This is going to look wonderful , " she said , " although I wish we had a little more sunlight . " She pointed to the blooming chrysanthemums . " Did you plant those ? " she asked . " Oh , they 're just gorgeous , and they 'll show up perfectly on TV . " She walked to the rows of flowers and started taking pictures with her phone . A few quick taps later , and Dema was sure that they were on their way to her brother for his approval , and she had to resist the urge to cut them all down . " Now when he gets here , " Ashleigh said , " he 'll have a few minutes to chat with you - you know , chat , brother - sister stuff - and then the press conference starts at eleven . " She walked out in front of the flowers . " We 'll have our guys set him up here , and the media boys can set up where they want , and - " She looked over at Dema , who hadn 't moved . " Are you following this ? " she asked . Her face folded into a look of concern , which Dema was sure was hiding contempt . " Are you feeling okay ? " Ashleigh spent twenty more minutes telling Dema all about the schedule , and Dema didn 't hear a word of it . When the advance crew arrived to start setting up the remote press conference apparatus , Dema excused herself and went inside to have a cup of tea . It was the only thing she could do that had nothing to do with the circus that was already beginning in her front yard , and which would only get worse as the morning progressed . More and more people came , some to talk to her , others to get things ready for the crowd that was to come . Dema did her best to stay in the kitchen and drink tea . Or do the crossword . Or draw meaningless shapes on a yellow legal pad . Anything to distract herself , to make the day go faster . He arrived at quarter to eleven , and walked into her house as if it was his own . He looked just like he did on television : tall , handsome , with a full head of hair and bright teeth and deep brown eyes that had made the girls melt in his hand since he was twelve . The suit was tailored , the tie shimmered , and the little American flag pin on his lapel looked like it had been polished that morning . He walked into the kitchen and looked at her , hands in his pockets . " Hello , Dema , " he said . There would have been silence , if not for all the voices outside . " You 're not even going to look at your brother ? " he asked . " I came here to see you . " Her hand twitched and crumpled a sheet of paper off the pad . " You came here for a photo opportunity , " she said . " Let 's get it over with so you and your minions can get moving to the next one . " " My minions ? " He chuckled . " That 's new . " He pulled a chair out from the table and sat down . " Dema , " he said . She didn 't look at him . He reached out for her hand and took it . She stiffened . " Dema , " he said again . " Look at me . " She looked up , and felt her hands shaking . She had so much inside her that wanted out , that needed to be said , if only she would just open her mouth and say it . She bit her tongue , literally , and forced herself to look at him . " Dema , I need to know that you 're not going to do anything … dramatic out there . " He smiled , and for a moment , he looked like himself . " I know you , big sister . I know you have things you want to say . " He dipped his head down to meet her lowering eyes . " Am I right ? " The words seemed to come out of her chest like they were made of stone . " I will smile , " she said . " I will smile and wave , and I will be nice . " She took a deep breath . " I will make you look good on TV and then I will go inside . " She took her hands from his . " You will leave , and never come back . " Musad 's face fell . " Dema , " he said . " I know you hate this , and I know why . " He leaned back in his chair . " If I could have chosen someone else as a running mate , I would have . Carl is - " " Carl would be perfectly happy to see you dead , Musad . Dead or dropped out in the middle of a desert somewhere . " She looked up at him and felt her eyes start to well up . She blamed Musad for that , too . " Really ? " she said . " The man who has an entire YouTube series devoted to how the Muslims in this country are trying to enforce Sharia law ? " She stood up and started pacing around her kitchen . " The man who screamed bloody murder for six weeks about that project in New York ? " She yanked open a drawer and grabbed another legal pad . " The man who said - " She flipped through it until she found the page she wanted . " The man who said , ' The day a heathen Muslim man rules over a man of Christ is the day the Devil has his victory . ' " She slammed the pad on the counter and held up a finger . " And yes , I was saving that one just for this conversation , Musad . " She walked over to him and dropped the pad on the table in front of him . It was covered in quotations and references not only to Carl Corbett , but to other party leaders and fundraisers who had been part of Musad 's rise in the campaign . Her handwriting , usually so precise and controlled , was harsh and quick , and there were circles and arrows across the page that were annotated with dates and places and sources . Dema was nothing if not thorough in her research . He looked at it , turned over a few sheets of paper and let them drop . He took a deep breath and looked up at her . " That was yesterday , " he said . " That was ages ago . " He shrugged . " I had breakfast with Carl this morning as we talked over our strategies for the next few weeks , and he 's really a very nice guy . " " He 's handing me the Evangelicals , " Musad said flatly . " You go check his YouTube site now - that man has turned around to his Muslim brothers and sisters so fast I 'm surprised it didn 't break his neck . " He looked down at the pad and traced a doodle with his finger . " I need the votes he 's bringing in , " he said . " I can 't win this race without him and the men he brought with him . " The words hung in the air , and Dema hated the way they sounded . Even her brother looked uncomfortable . Finally , Musad nodded . " There are indeed , " he said . " And they 're going to elect the first Muslim governor in the United States . " He looked back up at her , and gave her that smile that she remembered from when he was so much younger . " Joke 's on them . " Dema wilted . She took his hands and pressed them together . " Please , Musad , " she said . " Don 't do this . Don 't … " " Sell out ? " he asked . After a moment , she nodded , and her eyes overflowed . He patted her hands and stood up . " Big sister , it is far too late for that . " Musad helped her stand up straight and wiped tears from her cheeks . " There is no victory in politics without someone selling out . And if I have to do that so that a Muhammad or a Wahid or an Amir can come after me and sell out a little less ? " He shrugged . " I 'm willing to pay that price . " He took a deep breath and pulled her in for a hug . " Thank you , Dema , " he said into her ear . " I know you want the best for me . You always have . " They stood together like that in the kitchen for a long moment before he pulled away . Dema saw motion in the corner of her eye , and she and Musad looked to the front door at the same time . Ashleigh was clutching her clipboard to her chest and looking anxious . Musad nodded to her and looked back at Dema . " You ready ? " he asked . " You look fine . " He started to walk towards Ashleigh , and Dema saw his demeanor change . His back straightened , his jaw seemed to jut out a little more . " Take a couple of minutes if you need them . Join us when you 're ready . " They were something her grandmother had told her about when she was a child . " Eva , " she would say , usually in an accent that no one outside the family could understand . " When I was a little girl , we used to leave out milk for the fairies every night . " Grandma 's eyes would become misty , her accent would thicken , and Eva would start to wish her mother would let her go play Nintendo or something . " And we would leave a lump of bread by the front door so that they would watch over the house , and every little girl - and even your Nana was a little girl , little Eva - every little girl had to carry a lump of cheese in her pocket on her way home from school , or else the King of the Fairies might take her away to fairyland . " As a child of the nineties , Eva wanted nothing to do with her grandmother 's fairies . She wasn 't even sure the kids back in whatever country her grandmother had come from even believed in them . For all she knew , the fairies were something her grandmother had pulled out of her dusty , decrepit brain . She got home close to midnight , very nearly too drunk to get the key in the door on the first try . She muttered to herself as she fumbled around in the dark , a stream of consciousness of invective that swayed from anger to self - pity to sorrow and back again as she dropped first her purse , then her coat , then her shoes on the floor . By the time she thought it might be a good idea to turn on the light , she bumped into the sofa , tripped , and was asleep by the time she landed on the cushions . When she woke up again , her head cracking in two and threatening to spill her brains out onto the floor , there were more of those things around her . They were perched on the sofa , on the bookcases , sitting on the dining table . One of them was playing with the pepper shaker . It cracked the top off , took a deep breath , and sneezed hard enough to knock it into the next room . The things looked terrible , like her hangover come to life . They had leathery skin that was a dark blue , almost black , and uneven tufts of green hair on skulls that looked like they had been beaten into random shapes . They had noses that were either flat or bulbous or needly , and big eyes that popped out of their head so far that Eva was afraid she 'd end up having to retrieve them from under the refrigerator at some point . They were mostly covered in greenish - brown fur , though some of them seemed to be wearing adornments made out of toothpicks and bottlecaps and whatever other garbage they could pick up . They had long , slender fingers , large , flat feet , and smelled like a basement . " Hi , " the thing said again , and it resumed knocking . Each knock made Eva flinch and groan . Finally she turned over , and the little creature scampered to avoid falling on the floor . She levered herself up on her elbows and squinted around the room at the creatures that were diligently investigating everything about her living room . Another one of them looked at her , waved , and said , " Hi . " The one that had been sitting on her shook its head . " No ! " it said . " We can say lots of things . " It turned to its companions . " One , two , three , four ! " They scattered as Eva swept her arm across the back of the sofa , sending them all to the floor . " No ! " she said , wrestling herself off of the sofa . " No , uh - uh , no . No . " She spun and pointed at one of them . " No . " Eva hoped that going into the kitchen would make them go away , but they just followed in a tumbling , catastrophic mob . She reached for a mug , and a pair of little blue hands handed one to her . Another came over , struggling under the weight of a can of instant coffee , and a muffled yelling from inside the refrigerator revealed one of the things standing in the doorway with its cheeks bulging . A moment later , it spat out a stream of milk . " Black ? " it asked . The ones that had been arguing hopped up on the counter , still not sure if she had said no , or even if it was possible that she had . Eva ground her teeth while she waited for the water to boil , which didn 't help her hangover any . Finally , she gripped the edge of the counter and leaned on it , her eyes closed . " What , " she said quietly , " can 't I say no about ? " The little creatures silenced immediately , and all of them looked at her . The one who had done most of the talking so far - the one who woke her up - seemed at a loss for words . It looked around , and the other one - the one who had been arguing from behind the London bear - elbowed it in the ribs . It glared and rubbed its side , but then looked up at Eva . " You 're going to take care of us , " it said . " You have to . " Eva stared at it long enough for the water to boil . Then she turned away , poured the water into her cup , and turned off the stove . She stirred her coffee , tapped the spoon off on the side of the mug and tossed it into the sink . She took a careful sip and closed her eyes in psychosomatic relief as the taste and smell of coffee told her that there , in that moment , everything would be okay . |
I have just been having the WORST time getting motivated ! I have been running 4 - 6 days a week for a few weeks now . I am trying really hard to get into shape . I know that this extra weight I carry slows me down . I know that is the first strategy to getting faster , lose the pounds that aren 't needed or wanted . I have been bringing my puppy running lately . She is a good little personal trainer . She takes it easy and then sprints as fast as she possibly can . Since I don 't want to look like I am slower than a puppy , I sprint as fast as I can to keep up . I know it is good to sprint , I just have never really been a sprinter . I had never really be a runner , until 2009 . I wanted to lose weight and running seemed like the most plausible way . I need to figure out ways to motivate myself to look forward to lacing up the shoes , instead of dreading the moment that I am going to lace up the shoes . I used to look forward to every run . I would even get upset when I couldn 't run . I look forward to when that day comes again when I want to run , not when I feel like I need to run . Posted by My running partner is three months old , she will be 14 weeks tomorrow . She was born on August 1 , 2013 . She is around five or six pounds now , I think . I need to weigh her . She started running with me about four weeks ago . I didn 't know how well she would do at the time . The day before we started running together , we had gone on a walk as a family and brought her . She did really well then . I decided that we would test out running . We started out with two miles . She did very well considering she was only 10 weeks old . I figured I should get her started early . Her name is Hazel . Here is a picture of Hazel and I before a run on October 30 , 2013 . It is kind of hard to imagine that such a little girl can run so far . Her legs might be five inches long . We do about a twelve minute mile together . She is funny , I think of her as my personal trainer . She will go pretty slow for awhile and then sprint like crazy for a couple minutes . Sprinting has never really been my thing , but I figure that she is so little , and if she can do it , I can too . I think that as we run together , we will get faster together . As she gets older , she will be a really good runner . This little girl is part Shih - tzu and part Mini Pinscher . She has a lot of energy . Yesterday was the first day we did three miles together . I think she innately knows when she has gone two miles though . She wanted to start walking at the two mile mark . We walked for a little while until she figured out that we weren 't done , then she decided we might as well run again . When we are running on the trail , she knows exactly where we need to turn to head back to the vehicle . I need to run on the trail with her , otherwise , we encounter a lot of young children . Children , by nature , want to pet a puppy . My puppy , by nature , wants to be petted . It makes for a very challenging run . I don 't want to not let children pet her , but I do want to get my run in . We have started running almost daily . Today was a two mile run . I don 't want to over exert her . I know she is still little . The older she gets I think she will be able to go further . For now , I think we will keep it between two and four miles when we run together . My children have also started to want to go on walks and runs more since we got Hazel . I think they enjoy walking / running with her . She enjoys being out there . My mother - in - law made a sweater for her , because she is short - haired and gets cold easily . She has been needing to run in the sweater becausePosted by We got a puppy on September 14 . She was six weeks old . She was a tiny thing . She will always be quite small . Her name is Hazel . She is a min pin / shih - tzu mix , making her a Pin - tzu . We didn 't know how she would ever do with running . Her legs are about 4 inches long . About 1 1 / 2 weeks ago , we put her on her leash and brought her on a walk . She ran a lot of the way . We knew then that she may just be a runner . I brought her running for the first time on Saturday . We ran two miles . She whined a bit , but she kept up . Tonight I brought her running again . She ran 2 1 / 2 miles . She didn 't whine , she just ran . We got on the trail and she seemed to really enjoy that . We were just going to do laps around the park , until a lot of kids came out of the school . They all wanted to play with her and she wanted to play with them , which makes it difficult to run . It was then that I decided I should jump on the trail . Once I was on the trail , there were a few other people . One man got a good laugh out of her and I running . She is such a small thing . I think that this is the time to get her used to running . The funny thing is , I worry about a predator bird coming down and trying to take her . Of course , I have her on a leash . I think I have blogged enough times that it should be a given that I don 't like when I see dogs off their leash . I wouldn 't think that someone would like to see mine off her leash , even though she it small . We ran about a 12 minute mile . I think that is a good pace for a little one . She will only get better . She likes to sprint every so often , so it like I am getting in my fartlek training . My children love to go on walks / runs with her . They look forward to it now . Even ( especially ) my oldest daughter . She used to not be really excited about going out and walking / running , but she is now . It is amazing how a puppy can change your life ! Do you ever have those days when you wake up and just wish that you could super glue yourself to the bed , just to have a good reason not to get out of the bed ? ! I have been having many of those days . I am not sure if it is because the weather has been getting so much colder or if I am just THAT depressed . Those days are the days that each little steps matters . I know on these days that I can 't expect myself to go on a run . I am pleased with just taking steps . They don 't even have to be big steps . Baby steps will work on these days . I just need to remember that before it gets dark ! I don 't like being out there in the dark . I got bit by a dog in the dark . That wasn 't fun ! I prefer that over other things that happen to people in the dark though . Posted by When did two miles get so hard ? ! I decided that I should lace up my running shoes last Saturday , so I did . My toddler has been sick for a little while so I hadn 't run in a while . I decided I would get started easy . I would do two miles . I have been doing a lot of reading about running . I guess I thought that was a good replacement while I was not running . I read that you should run really hard every so often . I decided the two mile run would be a good time to put a lot of energy into it . I didn 't time myself , but what I can say is that I left almost everything I had in that two mile run . It felt good when I got home , sweat pouring down my face . I love to sweat . I feel like I am actually accomplishing something when I sweat . I need to find another race . I need to get myself signed up and get going . It is the only thing that makes me think I absolutely have to get out there and run . I don 't like to waste my money . I told him that I am still a bit bummed about the time I finished in for my half marathon . In a million years , I would have not expected to finish in over three hours . It took me 30 minutes longer than I had finished my previous half marathon in . Yes , it was incredibly hot that day , but I had put in the time I had to in order to train . I still can 't figure out where , exactly , I went wrong . I contemplated , long and hard , about hanging up my running shoes and giving up . It even seemed like a plausible idea . What was I , at age 39 and overweight , thinking trying to run a half marathon , or even run at all ? ! ? I am the mother of four children , aged 10 to 1 , she will be 2 very soon . I know I will never be at the head of the pack . I know exactly what I am thinking now . I just want to be in shape . I want to try to insure that I will live long enough to see my children graduate , get married , and have children . Those moments of discouragement seem to make a lot of sense when I am going through them ! But when I start talking about it to my family and friends , it really doesn 't seem to make any sense at all . Yes , I will never run a half marathon again in slower than 3 hours , if I never run again . I would never have to train in the heat of the summer or the freezing cold of the winter , if I never run again . To be honest , I need to run . It is my time . It is the time I get to figure out all life 's questions and problems that might be going on . My friend told me , just go out and run . Don 't time it , just run . Don 't worry about how long it takes . It is advice I took tonight . I have decided to start training for another race . I am not sure yet if I will do another half marathon around Halloween or if I will do the 5 mile race . I am kind of leaning toward 5 miles . I think that I should work on losing some of this weight that I have gained . I am thinking that it is medicine induced weight because there isn 't much of any other reason why it is here . I ran 2 miles tonight . I didn 't look at the time . I just ran . I don 't know how many minutes . I think this is how I am going to train for the next race . Not worrying about the time . Just me , my running shoes and the pavement . It is nice to disconnect from technology , even if it is just disconnecting from the stopwatch . I look forward to my next run . It is supposed to be 3 miles on Wednesday . Hopefully I can do it then ! Since my half - marathon on August 31 , 2013 , I have done two 5K 's and that is almost the extent of my running . I have run a little with my children to and from school . It isn 't very easy though since I need to bring an umbrella stroller for my youngest daughter . The jogger gets goat heads ( they are a very painful , sharp pricker around here ) in the tires and makes them go flat en route to the school . The umbrella stroller just has some kind of tire that doesn 't go flat . My van broke down last weekend and we are deciding if we are going to get it fixed or not . We had decided we would , now we are not so sure . Anyway , I get to walk back and forth to school twice a day now . It is keeping my step count up there pretty high , which is good ! My children , my husband and I have done the last two 5K 's as a family . Well , we start together , we don 't end together . My daughter isn 't a great fan of running , she has exercise - induced asthma so we need to try to keep that in check . I ended up run / walking the first 5K with her . My husband and two sons went on ahead and finished 10 - 13 minutes ahead of us . I think it is important , and fun , that we do exercise together . I know it motivates me to keep going . I am going to be signing up for a half - marathon that will happen around Halloween . I need to start running more regularly again . I just need to get my registration paid and then there is no turning back ! There hasn 't been much going on as far as training . I ran / walked a 5K on Friday night for a good cause . That has been pretty much the extent of what I have done . I am sure I overdid it on the Half Marathon . Lesson learned . I was on antibiotics for a cracked tooth . I will be getting that taken care of on Thursday . Hopefully it is back to life as normal soon ! I have been trying to convince my husband that I should get a puppy so I can have something to run with . He got a Guinea pig instead . The puppy will be on hold for now , if not forever . I have been absolutely exhausted , can 't seem to get enough sleep . Not sure if that is due to the Loritab that I take every now and then for my pain or just trying to heel . Rest and recuperation is definitely on my menu for a few more days . 113th place out of 124 female runners . Although I planned to do much better before I started , I am happy that I finished . I salute everyone that ran in the race , whether they were in first , middle or last place . It was not a good day for running a race , but we did it . My time was 3 : 03 : 24 . It was wonderful to see the finish line at the end . The thing I am most thankful for is that I did not sign up for the full marathon that day ! I am thankful that I was able to cross the finish line and know that I gave it my all . That is all I could expect from myself . I plan to do better next time and I never plan to run further than a 10K in the months of June , July or August again . I will have to think about May ! : ) I am planning to sign up for a Halloween Half - Marathon that will take place on October 26 . The weather should be much more desirable for running by then . My blog will continue with regular updates on those training runs and other fitness and health endeavors I am embarking on . I will begin with last night . I knew that I was going to have to get up early this morning . . . 4 : 30 AM to be exact . I got everything I needed together . I put all my clothes out : compression shorts ( to prevent the chafing , mostly ) , running shorts with pockets , sports bra , running socks , running shoes and technical t - shirt . I got my water bottles for my FuelBelt filled up , my daughter put those in the refrigerator after screwing on the lids . I was set for the early wake - up ! I didn 't fall to sleep until after midnight . NERVES ! I always suffer from them the night before . It is too bad I can 't bank sleep for nights like that ! The alarm went off much sooner than I would have liked it to . My husband alerted me and I jumped out of bed . I came downstairs and put on all the clothes that I had ready . I went back upstairs and found some deodorant to put on . I had thought I put that with everything else I would need in the morning . It is one thing I never want to forget on a normal day , let alone on a day when I would be doing a crazy amount of exercise . I poured myself a bowl of Golden Grahams . I ate those . I grabbed my water out of the refrigerator , put it in the FuelBelt . Got my license and $ 20 and put it in my FuelBelt just in case I might need either of them . I grabbed the car keys and out the door I went . It was about 5 AM . By the time I got to where the buses were to be loading it was 5 : 15 AM . We had received notice that the buses would be loading between 5 and 6 AM . The last bus would leave promptly at 6 AM , not 6 : 01 AM , so don 't be late ! I didn 't want to be late , so I got there in plenty of time . Then I waited , and waited , and waited . Along with many other people . The buses arrived about 6 : 15 AM . I was lucky enough to get on the first two buses so I didn 't have to wait any longer . We arrived at the starting point around 6 : 45 AM , our race was supposed to start at 7 AM . Due to the fact that the other two buses got lost on their way back to the pickup point for everyone else , the race was delayed until 7 : 20 AM . By this point , the sun was over the mountains and directly in front of us . It was already warm . The low for today was 70 and the high was in the 90s . I think it was in the high 70s by the time we started . By the time I finished , I would say it was near , if not in , the 90s . I had planned to break my previous half - marathon time . That time was in October 2009 . It was 2 : 33 : 55 . A few things I learned today . . . a forty degree difference is huge ! When I started the half - marathon in 2009 , there were a few snowflakes falling . I was in a pair of running capris and two long - sleeved running shirts , just to stay warm . I took one of them off and wrapped it around my waist on that run . Today , I was in as little clothing as possible and it still wasn 't cool enough ! I would not ever run in just my sports bra , but I seriously wished that I would today . It would have been really nice if I had a great sports bra in my swimsuit , because I think I would have worn that today to run in ( just kidding , kind of ! ) . Forty degrees is huge , I think it i was the difference between cramping up and not cramping up . I didn 't cramp at all during the race in 2009 , I was cramping by the time I got to mile marker 6 today . I have run marathons in the past , and never started cramping up until mile marker 16 and 18 . Those were in Sept 2010 and Nov 2010 . I learned today that I will never attempt anything longer than a 10K between the months of May and August . I can 't begin to tell you how hot it was . High 80s , low 90s is hot enough when I am not doing anything , but when I add running to the mix , it is a whole new beast . I knew I had to listen to my body today . As much as I wanted to run the whole way , there was just no way I could do it . I think that I might have been found passed out or dead next to the road if I had tried to . The walking began when the cramping began . I would run and walk after that , as necessary . It was more walking than running . Last week , after the 10 mile run , I was sure I had this without any problem . I am a novice when it comes to the heat . I always tried to beat the heat for the long runs . Perhaps I should have done the runs at the hottest time available ? I finished in around three hours . I am not sure of the official time yet . I guess that will be posted as late as Monday . Although I came nowhere close to breaking my PR for the half - marathon , I am happy that I finished on my own two legs . When I crossed the finish line , I heard the director discussing that they were waiting for an ambulance . A woman , who looked like she is in her 20s , was wheeled off on a gurney by the ambulance . She looked very pale and not to be doing very well , her eyes were closed . I said a prayer for her and hope that everything ends up okay for her . I am thankful for a body that I am able to get out and run with . I know that it is a blessing , although it doesn 't always feel like it , to be able to exercise . There are many people that physically cannot run , be it a short or a long distance . I never take my privilege to run for granted . There are many times that I wish I could run faster , but I am thankful that I am able to exercise . I hope to be able to continue to run and get better at it . My husband got lost on his way to the finish line . I am glad I didn 't ! He was in a car , so I don 't feel horribly bad for him : ) My husband and children were not there when I crossed the finish line . I think this is the first longer race I have finished where I didn 't have a family member there to cheer me on at the end . It was kind of sad to not see them there , but it is understandable . I drank some Powerade and water and had an orange slice and a Fatboy ice cream sandwich while I waited . When they got there , we took some pictures and then went to the Hibachi Buffet for lunch . I had some sushi , salad and sweet and sour chicken . I then came home , took a cold bath , and then took a nap . I look forward to another half - marathon , but it will not be done in the heat of the summer ! The Family Before a Training Run Last Monday , when we arrived at the local park to get in a run , I wanted to get a picture of my children and I . They were going to be training for their 5K run and I had to get in my three mile run . I was going to be running the circles around the park with my daughter in her jogger . My husband took the picture . I am getting used to wearing my hat while I run . The half - marathon I am running in will start at 6 : 30 AM and I will be running east . I figure it will be good to have something to keep the sun out of my face . I get awfully hot running with that hat on , but I think it will do me good ! It also keeps the sweat out of my eyes . We will all be running a 5K or a two - miler on September 7th . I am not sure what the distance of the race is yet . It will be a church activity , so it will be free , and they will feed us breakfast ! I was looking at other races that would end up costing us $ 125 if we were all going to run together . I prefer free ! I have been looking forward to running with my children since I started running in 2010 . We will do a practice two mile run on Friday , and then we will all go out to eat at a Chinese buffet after my half - marathon on August 31 . When I completed my other half - marathon in October 2010 , we all went to a Chinese buffet with sushi . That is what we will do this time . My children have been making good progress with running . I look forward to many years of being able to run with my children and my husband . For me , running is relaxing . I am excited to have this time to work toward teaching my children to enjoy running and not look at it as something they HAVE to do , but rather something they look FORWARD to doing . This morning I got up and knew I had to get in a run . Although I would have rather stayed here and slept , I went upstairs and started hunting down my running clothes . I had to decide what I was going to wear . I found my compression shorts and a pair of shorts to wear over those . The compression shorts are nice because it covers my legs where the rub together so it prevents chafing . I never experienced chafing until two weeks ago , and then I realized that I never want to experience it again . I guess that running 8 - 10 miles in shorts can cause that problem if your thighs rub together , and mine do . I got myself ready , gathered up my Grape Powerade Zero , filled my FuelBelt water bottles , put them in the FuelBelt , grabbed a cell phone and off I went . I drove to Steed Park and on the way there , I had a feeling that I shouldn 't run passed the one mile mark , which is where the first road is that I would have to cross . I had originally left the house planning to run five miles one way , and then the five miles back , for a total of ten miles . It is much less tempting for me to stop and go home if I am five miles away from my car . When I got to the park , I walked to my starting point , then called my husband to tell him what my plan was . I was going to run back and forth between 300 N and 1300 N five times , which would total ten miles . I thought it would seem to go a lot faster . I don 't know why I thought that , because it didn 't seem to go fast at all . The nice thing was that this area has the most amount of shade . The further away I get from the park , the less shade there is . At the beginning of my run , within the first 300 yards , there was a dog fight . I couldn 't tell what the dog was attacking , I thought it could be a child so I ran faster toward it to see what I could do . The dog was attacking another dog , thankfully . Not that I want a dog to be attacked , but I surely don 't want to see a child attacked . The attacking dog had slipped its leash and went after a dog that was on a leash . The leashed dog was quickly checked over by one of its owners and I 'm guessing her teenage daughter was told to take the dog and go . The owner of the attacking dog was apologizing profusely . They said everything was okay when I asked , they were just trying to get the dog back on its leash . I continued my run . I was glad that there was no more attacks . I have to say that running back and forth does tend to get quite monotonous . I saw a couple older gentlemen riding their bicycles . One commented to me , " How much water do you need ? " We were just kidding back and forth at this point . I enjoy the interactions . They rode on as I turned around to start on my fifth mile . I saw them again at about 7 . 5 miles . The first one that had spoke to me said , " There is the water bottle girl . " At about the seven mile mark another older gentleman on a bicycle passed me and told me I was doing a good job and to keep it up . I said thanks . It is wonderful to get some positive feedback on a training run , especially when you feel like you could fall over at any given second . I still had three miles to go ! I had passed a couple on a walk a few times , when I was getting near the seven mile mark , the man asked me how many times I was running back and forth . I told him five . He gave an uplifting statement , but I forget exactly what he said . On my way back passed them , I said , " One more time . " By the time I got to the eight mile mark , I just wanted to quit . I had to give myself a pep talk . Mostly just saying that I have to do 13 . 1 next week , so I can do ten miles this week . It must have worked because I finished the ten miles . I was sooooo happy when it was done . It took me a little over 2 hours and 16 minutes , but I finished it , and that is what matters . One week until my half marathon . I think I am going to be ready ! I am excited to get it done , and I have to start looking for another one ! : ) Posted by Today was a ten mile run . Well , it was supposed to be a ten mile run . Today was a two mile run . I waited until way too late to start my run . 10 : 00 AM shouldn 't be way too late , but with how hot it is around here , it was . I had decided to run around my block 16 times . By the time I had finished 3 times around , which is 2 miles , I was a sweaty mess . There is very little shade around my block . It was horrible . On my third time around , one of my fellow church members , who is an older gentleman , told me to not overdo it . I took that to heart . As the sweat was dripping , I imagined that one of my parents would have said the same thing to me . My parents aren 't here to tell me to be careful , so I need to listen to the advice of others around me . I would love to get in the other eight miles later this evening , when it has cooled down . I figure if I start by 6 : 30 I should be okay to get it in . We shall see . I had my baby at the ER last night and didn 't get home until 1 AM , which made it nearly impossible for me to get up at a decent time . I didn 't fall to sleep until well after 2 AM . I would have been ill - advised , I believe , to wake up and run being exhausted . The ER doctor couldn 't pinpoint exactly what was wrong with her . She spiked a fever of 101 degrees , she has a cough , and a runny nose , she was in apparent pain when she was trying to go to sleep . She could just be teething , I suppose . She is still missing four teeth . My brother called her the " anti - vampire . " It is those teeth that she still hasn 't gotten . I didn 't want to run the trail today , because I wanted to be close to home in case my husband needed me . It makes it way too easy for me to stop running when I pass my house each time around . I hope to be able to state that later that I did eight more miles , we shall see ! Posted by Yesterday was my five mile run for the week . I waited until evening , when it had cooled off a bit . I made my announcement that I was going for my run . My husband asked if I was bringing the little one . I decided that I better get used to running with her again . My children start school soon , so I am hoping to get my runs in earlier in the day . I got her ready to go and put her in the van . I checked and made sure that the jogger tires were inflated . I have gotten to the park too many times and had them flat . I didn 't want to get there again and have to turn around because my husband wasn 't there to watch her while I ran . We got to the park , I got her strapped in and we walked over to the trail . At the trail , the run started . She was okay for a little while . I think she was enjoying it actually . She always enjoys seeing the birds . The first time we had to stop at a light was when it started to get bad . She wanted out of the jogger , in the worst way . I took a swig of my water and gave it to her . She drank some of it , while I ran across the street since we had the walk sign . When I got to the other side of the street , I stopped so she could finish drinking . Then I took the water bottle . I think she expected that she could get out of the jogger when I stopped . The bad news was , we were only 1 . 5 miles into a 5 mile run . She stiffened her little body right out . She thought that maybe that could get her out . I know my children well enough that if I let her out , I would never get her back in . So , she objected for quite a while . For about a mile , to be exact . She loves to see the moon . The moon was behind us on the run , so she couldn 't see it when we were running north . When it was time to turn around at 2 . 5 miles , there it was . She started saying " moon , moon " in her own way . I know that it is moon . At about the three mile mark , I saw some cows , in someone 's backyard . Where I grew up , you couldn 't keep cows in your backyard . I said to my daughter , " Look at the cows . " She was looking around , but really had no clue where she should be looking . I stopped the run and turned the jogger in the direction of the cows . I then said , " Moo , moo . " She said " Moo , moo . " She wasn 't amused when I started the run again . A little further down the trail , when we got pretty close to 3 . 5 miles , my daughter took out her earrings . I stopped and took them away from her , so they wouldn 't get lost . I started running again . She was not happy at all by my decision to take them back . I told her I 'd put them back in , but she had to leave them there . She turned her head , I put it in , then she turned to the other side and I got that one in to . She did leave them there . The daylight was turning to dusk and I still had 1 . 5 miles to go . I was trying to decide if I should get off the trail and run on the road by the time I got to 1 mile . I saw other people on the trail ahead of me , so I decided I could continue on the trail . We made it the last mile and still had daylight to spare . When we got back to the park , I saw my husband and children . My two sons ran the rest of the way with me , about . 2 mile . I love running with my children . I really enjoyed the run with my little one . It is nice to take little breaks to let her see things that I know she would enjoy . On my run last weekend , at close to 4 miles , I saw a pig , some sheep and some rams . I think the children would really enjoy that , but I think I would have to drive there and show them . I can 't imagine that any of them would want to go that far right now . I ran two miles this afternoon . It was blazing hot . . . in the 90s . I just wanted to get it done . I think next time I will wait til it cools down ! This morning I woke up at a little after 8 am , knowing I had a nine mile run ahead of me . I couldn 't fall to sleep until after 1 am , because I knew I had a nine mile run ahead of me . This would be the furthest I had run since November 2010 . Nerves , yes . . . . I had never been nervous before a long run , I don 't know why I was last night , but I was . I had thought about doing the run last evening , just so I could stop thinking about it . I had been thinking about it all day . I knew I would think about it most of the night . The only thing , to be honest , that kept me from doing the nine miles last night , is that I had run five miles the night before . I needed to give my body some rest . After all , I am still recovering from the bronchitis . Before I left the house , I remembered to use my inhaler . I was proud of myself for that . I grabbed my Orange Powerade Zero out of the refrigerator . I grabbed a Snickers with Almonds from the food storage . Then it was time to get the FuelBelt . I grabbed my fuel belt that still had the three bottles in it . None of the lids were with it . I haven 't used the FuelBelt since at least Feb 2011 . I was glad I could find the bottles . I was really hoping I could find the lids . It took me a few minutes and then I located the lids in the silverware drawer , toward the back . I was set . When I bought my FuelBelt , I bought a little pouch that goes on it as well . I bought this to keep my car key and some cash when I thought I might need it . I bought it when I still lived in New York . Enough people knew me back in my hometown that I knew I didn 't need to carry identification . Not so here . I wrote my name , phone number , address and that I have asthma and put it in my pouch . I filled up my bottles with water and put them back in the FuelBelt . Then I headed out the door . As I walked out the door , I told my husband where I would be running . I drove to my starting point . I took some sips of my Powerade , strapped on my FuelBelt , put the cell phone in my pocket , and then walked to the trail . I turned on my stopwatch , hit start , and started running . It was a beautiful morning . A little overcast , temperature in the mid 70s . I always have some anxiety about running outside . I worry about wild animals , not - so - wild animals ( dogs and cats ) , and people that might be thinking about committing a felony . My fear of cats is that they will pounce and start clawing me . My fear of dogs is that they will chase me and bite / maul me . My fear of a pack of dogs is they will eat me . My fear of wild animals is that I have no chance if they get me , if it is a large one , like a cougar , wolf or coyote . My fear of smaller wild animals is that they have rabies or they are poisonous . I think the fear of people wanting to commit a felony is quite self - explanatory . I don 't want to be the object of their felonious desires . I ran and ran and ran . There were the crossroads as mentioned in previous posts . I get to stop sometimes and catch my breath for a little while . I had never run past the four mile mark , until today . Today I discovered that there isn 't a crossroad at 4 . 5 miles . Which made things interesting . I ended up running 9 . 25 to 9 . 5 miles . Today 's run took 1 : 56 : 00 . I have started to recognize some fellow Saturday trail users . We say hello or wave and share a quick smile . Some people give me a thumbs up . Others tell me I 'm doing a great job . It is nice to get encouragement . I have started to practice positive self - talk . When I start thinking that I should just start walking , I tell myself that it is psychological . That my legs are good and they can do this . I tell myself that I have run much further in the past and this is really nothing compared to that . I keep on going . I sprint the last quarter - mile . I like to finish as strong as I can . I like to leave it all out there . I am mostly excited to get back to my car and go home ! Posted by I was supposed to run five miles last night and two miles tonight . Instead , I went and visited some good friends with my family . I enjoyed my visit with them a lot . It had been too long since we had seen them . I decided , since it was getting dark , that I would do the two mile run last night and the five mile run tonight . My kids , my husband and I , went to the Park . They were doing their training for the 5K , along with my brother - in - law . I had planned to run five miles , even after arriving at the park . As the winds picked up , and it got darker by the minute , I decided that two miles would do . When I finished my run and caught up with everyone else , my brother - in - law asked me , I 'm sure sarcastically , if I had finished my five miles . It made me laugh . I told him I would do my five miles tomorrow . If I had finished five miles in 22 minutes , it would mean I was dead , and it was my spirit cruising around the park . I decided that I would run today as soon as my husband got home from work . I have developed insomnia ( self - diagnosed ) since I have been waiting to run until it cools off . I think my body needs a nice long time to wind down after a run . I figured that I would get it done early and see how I sleep tonight . It is kind of important to get a good night sleep with four little ones running around the house . I jumped on the trail and off I went . The crossroads are every 1 / 2 mile . It makes it easy to know how far I have run . The bad part is needing to cross the roads . Sometimes people are really nice and stop their car so you can run . let you go . Other times , not so much . It just depends on the person . I am always one of the people that will stop so a runner can go , probably because I know how it is to just stand there wondering when it will be my turn . Tonight 's run was quite profitable . While I was running , I found a five dollar bill . Since it was pretty much in the middle of nowhere , there wasn 't anyone to ask if it was theirs . I always try to find the person that lost it , if in a store , I turn it in to customer service , if in a school , I turn it into the office . There is just nowhere to turn it into , so I kept it . I saw a hawk grab a little rodent . It was a gray rodent . Since I never see squirrels around here , I assume it was a rat , because it was bigger than a mouse . It landed in a tree about 30 miles ahead of me . I was not amused . I have a vivid imagination , such as , what if it thinks I will try to grab its food and decides to attack me with its massive claws ? What if it drops the thing on me ? Neither one sounded horribly appealing . When I got pretty close , the hawk did drop the food . I ran even faster . I didn 't know if the rodent was still alive or dead , but I didn 't want to get chased by an injured rodent . My run tonight was just seconds over an hour , including all the stops , needing to wait for my turn to cross the street . My next run is Saturday . I will have to get to it early , since my sisters will be arriving in early afternoon : ) I am really excited to see them ! I decided that I should try to sweat whatever of the bronchitis out that I have left . I found that it doesn 't really work that way . Running just added some to the cough , but I managed to survive . Yesterday was a four mile run . I thought that I could do this . I actually knew I could . I told my husband I had to do it regardless of how I felt . That is what I did . I felt like doggie doo , but I wasn 't feeling too good sitting around gaining weight either . Of the two alternatives , I would rather run and feel like doggie doo , than to sit around and feel like doggie doo . I laced up my running shoes at around 7 : 30 pm , gathered my family together , and off we went . I pushed the toddler in the jogger for 2 / 3 mile , then handed her off to my husband , jumped on the trail after running a mile , and did the next three miles . Those four miles took me 46 . 5 minutes , but I did them . This was really the first exercise I had done all week . I felt it almost every step I took . Lungs burning , sweat pouring , the coughing , but it was done . At the end of the run , as I coughed up what might be a complete lung , I felt good . I felt satisfied that I got out there and ran . I felt good that my children got to play at the playground again while I ran . I felt good that my toddler finally got out of the house to play . I felt bad for her that she had been pretty much locked up in the house . She loves getting outside . This next week is going to be a hard one . The long run on Saturday is ten miles . I will be able to get it done . I just need to remember to use my inhaler before I leave the house . I think that might have helped a lot yesterday ! I misdiagnosed myself , apparently . I thought I was having a hard time because of my asthma . I went to the doctor on Sunday morning with another issue , and decided that I would discuss my recent asthma symptoms with him as well . I found out that I have bronchitis . I was put on azithromycin for the antibiotic . Antibiotics are not good to me . They cause other issues if I don 't eat yogurt . I am not a fan of yogurt , but I am even less a fan of the other issues . . . I am not running until I can breathe halfway decent . I am hoping that day will be tomorrow . I don 't like missing my runs , but sometimes it is necessary . I just wanted to post an update as to why I haven 't blogged about my most recent run , which was supposed to be yesterday . I had to run eight miles today . Unlike last week , it was overcast when I woke up . I started to question if I wanted to lace up and actually run with the threatening skies . I am not afraid of rain , I am afraid of lightning . Several years ago , when I was at a City Cup Softball Tournament in my hometown , it started to rain . I wasn 't afraid of rain and didn 't think much of lightning back then . The rain really started to come down , so games were delayed and / or called off and the team with the highest score at that point won . I laughed . My hair was soaking wet . I was sure he was kidding . How could wet hair stick up , right ? Several years before , my mother had told us that if our hair starts sticking up in a storm , we are about to be struck by lightning . I thought my brother was just thinking about that conversation and wondered if I would remember it . After I laughed , he said , " No , I 'm serious . " My laughter turned to pure terror . My mother was parked about 10 yards away and her backseat door was wide open . I probably ran faster than I had in a long time and literally dove into her car . When I told her , she agreed that it was a good idea . She was confused as to why I would jump into her car and not have my three young children with me . They were safely hanging out my siblings . I was just trying to insure that they still had a mother on this planet at the end of the day . I believe that I had escaped with my life that day . I could not feel my hair standing up . I would never dream it could stand up , being soaking wet . If I hadn 't been talking to my brother , I may no longer be here . So , that is the back story leading into today 's run . Rain , not scary , lightning , very scary . . . . My older brother was getting ready to head back to Washington after getting to spend some time with us . He had asked what my plans were for the day . I told him I was supposed to run eight miles , but I wasn 't sure I would because it looked like it would rain . I also told him I had to go to my daughter 's play today . I told him that besides those things I didn 't have any plans . As he was getting ready to leave , he suggested that it would probably be a good time to run , when it was cooler and overcast . I decided that I might as well lace up and get going . It was also at least 10 to 15 degrees cooler than last week . I grabbed my drink of choice " Grape Powerade Zero " and headed out the door . There were sprinkles , off and on , for about the first three miles . After that , it was consistent rain for the next 4 miles . I was thankful for the rain . Not only did it cool things off , we need rain ! We are in the midst of a drought . Lawns are brown . We can only water twice a week for 30 minutes at a time . Any extra rain we get is needed ! I said a quick prayer in my head , thanking our Heavenly Father for the rain , for those reasons . I also include safety in my prayers . To me , today , it meant not getting struck by lightning , and not being attacked on my run , by an animal or a human . I believe I live in a safe area , but sometimes things happen . I didn 't see a single flash of lightning on my run . I am thankful for that . Although , it might have helped me to run faster , I liked the pace I was at . As far as I know , my hair did not stick up . There was not a car I could dive into anyway . Before I left , I let my husband know where I would be running . I think it is important that someone knows where you are . On another note , drivers don 't seem to be as courteous to runners when it is raining as they are when it is burning up hot outside . I had to wait at several crossings ( without stop signs or traffic lights ) for someone to let me cross the road , or for a break in the traffic . I think that easily added a good three minutes or so to my time . Today 's time was 1 : 42 : 54 . It was better than last week 's time , but not as good as I hoped , seeing how I didn 't have to stop and fill up a water bottle or anything . I did stop to drink my Powerade , instead of trying to run through it . It seems that I get more in my mouth if I am not trying to run . Next week is an easy week of running . Next Saturday will be a four mile run . The following Saturday is a ten mile run . We shall see how that goes ! On Saturday , it was a very hot day . I had planned to get up early , and be out the door by 8 AM to avoid as much heat as possible . I got up early , but closer to 5 : 30 AM when my toddler fell out of bed . Broken - hearted and feeling awful , I didn 't fall back to sleep for a while . Even though it was very cool that early in the morning , I wasn 't ready to lace up and head out . I was way too tired to even think about it , to be honest . Once my toddler fell back to sleep , I was up for a while longer . I think I fell back to sleep around 7 AM . My husband knew I was planning to head out for an early run . He kept asking if I was going to go . I kept saying I would go later . I knew each extra minute I could get for sleep would lead to a hotter run , but I also knew I couldn 't run on not enough sleep . I finally got up around 9 : 30 AM . My toddler slept until then so I took advantage of it . I got up , threw on my running clothes , and headed out the door . I was headed to the trail and getting started at 10 AM , a full two - hours later than I had planned . It was already in the 80s . I had used www . mapmyrun . com to figure out where the 4 mile mark would be , so I would know to turn around . I started my run with a bottle of grape Powerade Zero . It was a 32 ounce bottle . I had taken some swigs of it before I started the run . By the time I had finished the five miles , I had finished the bottle of Powerade Zero . I was very hot and sweaty , and still had three more miles to go . I had to slow down . I knew I was burning more fuel than I had stored . It was not looking too good . I had wished that I had taken smaller swigs of my Powerade Zero . I was SOOOOOO thirsty . After about 6 miles , I had slowed way down . It was more of an attempt to not pass out than anything else . I even convinced myself to walk a little , about 25 steps . I never walk on my runs . I feel like it diminishes the purpose of being out there for me . I really had no choice and I had to " allow " myself to walk a few steps . I was about 1 / 4 mile away from Maverik . When I got to 6 . 5 miles , there was the Maverik . I ran across the street with my empty Powerade Zero container . I went inside , visibly covered in sweat . I asked permission to fill my container with ice water . I didn 't want to just assume that it was okay to do . The woman was more than accommodating and told me there was some water on the fountain drinks . I thanked her . She told me it comes out really cold . I grabbed some ice and put it through the opening at the top of the bottle and filled my container . I started drinking my water before I even got outside . It was one of the best tasting bottles of water I had ever had . This could be caused by me really needing hydration . As I waited for the " walk " sign to cross the street , I drank some more water . I also rubbed the bottle on my forehead and neck . It felt so good ! I knew that I would be able to finish the last 1 . 5 miles . The run took about 1 hour and 46 minutes , which included the stop at the Maverik . By the time I had gotten home , the temperature was in the mid - 90s . I had wished that I could plant trees all along the trail so in about 10 years , I could have shade the whole way . There are nice parts of the trail with shade , but there is a lot of areas without any shade . When it was so hot , shade would have been wonderful ! I was sure to " tweet " @ Maverik _ Inc to thank them for the free ice water on the eight mile run . Maverik is like the old " Uni Mart " in my hometown in western New York . It is like a 7 - 11 or a Country Fair . There are several located in the area . I have loved Maverik since I was in college . We always enjoyed their bread . Anyway , back to the run , I did finish the eight miles . It was the first time I have run eight miles since 2010 . I was happy to have completed it , even though it took a bit longer than I expected . I have to run eight miles again this Saturday . I am hoping it is cooler then ! Today I had to do a two - mile run . I was exhausted all day . I was hot all day . I put it off until I couldn 't put it off any longer . I went and found some running clothes and laced up my running shoes . Out the door I went . I was grateful that it was only two miles . I was sweating within the first quarter - mile . The two - mile runs should be easy . I think they would be easy if it wasn 't so stinkin ' hot out there . I ran to the mile point and then turned around to run home . I didn 't run at the park today . I didn 't want to waste the gas to drive to the park to run and my toddler didn 't take a nap all day and I was quite sure she would fall to sleep on the ride there . That would have been bad . So , I just ran out the front door to the mile point I had mapped out previously . Once I turned around and started heading back , I was running through a neighborhood . I was minding my own business , like most runners do , when a little black dog came running toward me . Its owners were sitting on their front steps . I attempted to keep running . I thought the dog would stop . The owners kept yelling to me that the dog was friendly . The dog kept barking and jumping on me . I was not amused . I finally decided to run up on to its lawn to see if it would go to its owner . Nope . The owner finally told me that it just wanted to be petted . I bent over and petted it for a few seconds and then attempted to start running again . It wanted to follow , but it finally stayed with its owner . I have mentioned before about my fear of dogs while running . It doesn 't matter to me what size they are . I do not want to be bit and / or mauled . I don 't know what is legally permissible as far as defending myself against a dog that is running at me and / or jumping on me . I need to find out . I am an animal lover , I cry when goldfish die , and I also found that I cry when the frog that was trying to swallow a goldfish dies too . I don 't want to hurt an animal , but I don 't want to be hurt either . It is always my goal to make it home in one piece . I continued on my way home with no further incident . I was a sweaty mess upon arrival . It is always nice to make it back home ! Posted by Tonight I had to do five miles . We all got ready and headed out of the house around 8 : 15 pm . I had locked my purse in the trunk of my husband 's car , but we ended up taking the van since everyone wanted to go . I went and got my purse out and found my watch . That was a really good find . It would have been better if I had remembered to turn on the stopwatch and lap timer . Oh well , maybe next time . I brought my toddler in a tank top and pants . I didn 't put her socks and shoes on her , because I planned to push her in the jogging stroller the whole time . When we got to the park , I discovered that one of the jogger 's tires were flat . I ran over some goat heads yesterday . They are like a three - pointed thorn that seem to come from nowhere around here . It popped the tire . I couldn 't run with her . When that discovery was made , I put the jogger back in the trunk . I was about to just call it a night . My husband told me I should at least do something . He said that he would keep an eye on her so I could get in a run . I figured that I might as well , since I was there . Tonight 's run was a tempo run with a one mile warm up in the beginning and a one mile cool down in the end . The middle three miles were at a faster speed . I figured I would see how much of it I could get done before I was needed . I was able to get in the complete five miles . I wish I had timed it , but I did get it all in . My children , including my toddler , enjoyed time on the playground with my husband . I was glad that I was able to get it done , since I have to do a two mile run tomorrow . I would have combined the two miles with whatever I didn 't do tonight . The weather is so incredibly hot . It is horrible needing to wait practically until dusk to head out for a run . I hate running in the dark . Saturday it is supposed to be 100 degrees and I am supposed to run 8 miles . It should be a very interesting run ! Posted by I haven 't been feeling good the passed couple of days . It is no fun . Although I haven 't been feeling well , I decided that since today 's run was just two miles , I would be able to do it without much of a problem . That would be the first mistake . The second mistake would be thinking that even though it was in the mid - 90s , it would be okay . The final mistake was not drinking as much water as I should have . Well , all those mistakes can add up . I wanted to get in the run before dinner . I didn 't want to run late tonight . I think it has been causing some insomnia . As the mother of four children , insomnia does not work out too well . It is pretty bad when you are up really late , because you can 't sleep , and then you need to get up when the children get up . My ten year - old is generally the first one awake . Thankfully , he can take care of himself . It is when my five year - old and one year - old get up that I need to really get moving . I ran , and once again , without a watch . I have no clue how long it took . All I know is that it felt that my legs were dragging . I didn 't feel like I was moving quickly at all . I was wishing I had been smart and just blew off the two - mile run . By the time I was finished , I was a pretty huge sweatball . I sweat a lot regardless of temperature . When the temperature is in the 90s , I am going to be sweating a lot . Thankfully , it was just two miles , or I may have not made it . Just a quick thought . . . I sometimes forget about the correct colors for running . I often wonder if some of the people that choose the color for running clothes have ever sweated during a run . Gray is a horrible color for running clothes . I was reminded the other night after my run when my nine year - old let me know that my rear was wet . Yes , I did mention that I sweat . This brought me back to a day in 2010 when I was training for a marathon . I put on gray shorts and I have no clue what color shirt , probably pink . The shorts were short . Little did I know , that this day , being a weekday , there would be a company having there summer picnic at the park I was running passed . There were hundreds of people at the park . There were people on the trail that I was running , smoking . As I ran passed the first time , I saw them looking at me . I had to run a mile passed them , then the mile back , and then turn around and run another mile passed them , and then the three miles back . It was an eight - mile run day . By the time I was passing them for the third time , I was horribly sweating . I had six miles . My shorts were soaked . I looked like I had wet my pants . Although , my family got a big laugh , as did I , from the appearance that I wet myself , I thought it would be fair to share the experience . It was horribly embarrassing to me , but at the same time funny . I knew I didn 't wet my pants , but I am not sure they knew I didn 't . I don 't think I saw anyone I knew , which I am grateful for . Just for your information , I have found that black is the best color for running . I just need to remember that myself . If you sweat a lot , like I do , take it from me , don 't wear light colors . You will look like you wet yourself , or you will have that sweaty line going down the middle of the back of your shorts or running pants . It is fine when I don 't have to run more than 4 or 5 miles . Today was a six mile day . I started out at the park , but I couldn 't imagine running nine times around to get in the 6 miles . After I ran about 1 / 2 mile around , I decided to leave the park and jump on the trail . I ran north for a long ways . I figured it was close to three miles after checking my fitbit zip . I then turned around and ran back to the park . I had left my husband and three older children at the park to play . I ran with my toddler in the jogger . I have a hard time convincing myself to run in circles . The view just stays the same . I think my toddler gets bored too . She can only stand it for so long . I think it is also hard for her to see her siblings playing on the playground , while she just gets to sit in the stroller . Every time we run passed them , she yells their names , as well as she can . My oldest son will run over and give us a kiss on our way passed . I was thankful that my husband came for this run tonight . If he wasn 't there , I wouldn 't have gone to the trail . I wouldn 't leave the kids at the park without an adult . I would suffer through the laps . It seems that the run on the trail went quicker . Perhaps it is because I wasn 't seeing the same view . I don 't know for sure how long it took . My husband lost my watch while we were on vacation . I need to get a new one . Until then , I will just run and not worry about the time . On tonight 's run , I saw one of my visiting teachers , and her husband . It is nice to see people I know as I run . There were several bikers out tonight . It was cooler tonight than it has been lately . I saw an abandoned bike . My toddler spotted the moon . She loves the moon . She also saw several birds . She will say hi to them until they fly away , then she will say bye . I am glad I went for this run tonight . I didn 't really want to , but I figured that I should . I have about 1 1 / 2 months until my half - marathon , so I need to be ready ! I am wondering if I will ever see a temperature below 90 again . Even after 8 pm , it was still in the 90s . It makes it very hard to want to go for a run . I waited as long as I possibly could to go running and know that I should end with some sunlight still looming . I had to run 4 miles today . I did the 4 miles . Four very sweaty miles . I was pushing my toddler in the jogger . She hates going through the sprinklers . As much as I would have LOVED to run through each sprinkler that was spraying the trail , I avoided them . I think she appreciated it . I don 't know when it is going to cool down again . My preferred temperature is mid 70s . 50s or 60s are good for running also . I don 't want snow . I would prefer this weather over snow . Snow makes it hard to run . It gets really slippery ! I always hope that the trail has been cleared of snow or the sidewalks . Sometimes it is just hope . Tomorrow I have to do 2 miles . I might try to get those done a little earlier . I enjoy running , I just hate thinking that I could die of a heat stroke with my children on the playground and my toddler in the jogger . I need to figure out a way to get in the runs and stay cool . . . I was on vacation from June 28 until yesterday , July 7 . It was a wonderful time , I spent time in Reno and Topaz Lake , NV and Bridgeport , CA . I had to get in my runs , whether I wanted to or not . I guess I should say , if there was time or not . I would say that I was going to run several times and just keep putting it off . Finally , I would say I would do it in the morning , which I did . The daylight temps were above 100 , so I knew I would have to do it early in the morning or at sunset . Tuesday morning , July 2 , I got up and got dressed . I had told my husband that I had to do four miles that day . He told me to do it in the fitness area , on the treadmill . My complete training for a half - marathon was done on a treadmill . I went down to the fitness area , found a treadmill and jumped on . I started running . Within a couple minutes , I determined that it was near impossible to breathe . I don 't know if the air just wasn 't circulating or what the problem was , but I knew I wouldn 't be able to complete a full four miles , if I could hardly breathe after 1 / 4 mile . I got off the treadmill and went outside to run . It was already near 90 degrees at a little after 8 am . I had on my running shorts and running shirt . I was trying to stay in as much shade as I possibly could , running near the casinos . I had some neutral comments like , " You sure are dedicated to be running in this heat . " One man , on a side street , beside a casino , was rolling a joint or a cigarette . I didn 't stop to really figure it out . He was older , mid 50s to 60s . He was the one that should keep his mouth shut . I was just trying to stay in the shade , not looking for any comments . I had already run about three miles in the stifling heat , I was very sweaty . When , lo and behold , he thought he should open his big mouth . The following words spilled out . As you can imagine , if you know me , a million comebacks came flooding to rail my tongue . Then I thought it would be wise not to use any of them on a stranger on a side road in a town I don 't really know . So , I said , " No , I 'm just training for a half - marathon . " To which was the ever intelligent reply of " Ohhhhhh . . . . " I was proud of myself for completing the run . It is difficult to run on vacation . The food , which I refer to as vacation food , is devastating to trying to get in / stay in shape . I had to run on Wednesday , July 3 , as well . By this time , we had left Reno and headed up to Topaz Lake . It is a beautiful area . That day I had eaten some Costco food . . . a hotdog , churro and some of a chocolate and almond covered ice cream bar . Then when we got to our hotel , we had a hotdog barbecue . I was kind of hotdog - ged out . I figured since it was dinner time , I should probably eat . Then I had to go for a run . It kept threatening to rain for a couple of hours . I kept waiting , hoping it would just do it . It would sprinkle off and on , thunder off and on , but no real rain . I was hoping it would rain to cool stuff off . At about 7 : 15 pm , I figured if it was going to rain , I would just have to get rained on while running . I ran down to the lake where I found " NO TRESPASSING " signs . I thought I should heed the signs and turn around . I ran back to another road and found one that ran along the lake . It was a beautiful run . At one point , I found a trail that brought me right next to the lake . I took that trail for a little bit and then it ended . I then turned around and went back to the road . I ran along the road for a while longer . There were many blind curves , and I started to feel like I could be pressing my luck . I turned around and ran back . I enjoyed that run a lot . It is wonderful to find beautiful places to run . I planned to do a 5 mile - run at the Twin Lakes on Friday , but my quad was bothering me . I thought I would be wise to let that heal for a bit . I should get in my run later this evening . I am a day off right now , but I think that will be okay . On Friday , I ended up playing mud volleyball with my cousin , his wife and daughter , my sister - in - law and a good friend of our family . It was a tournament , we ended up getting 5th out of 19 teams . It was a lot of fun . For Ice Cream ! I admitted today on my facebook page that I have an addiction . It is an addiction to ice cream . Ice cream is my vice , my Kryptonite , so to say . I run and run and run . Then I eat ice cream . Or I eat ice cream , and then I run and run and run . I need to give up ice cream . I think I will get into shape much quicker without it . Perhaps if I just ate ice cream , it wouldn 't be quite as bad . The problem is , I feel the need to add chocolate chips , banana ( ok , the banana isn 't really bad ) , M & Ms ( if I have them ) , chocolate syrup ( if I feel like it ) and whipped cream . My plan is to find healthy substitutes . Some of my friends on Facebook have suggested frozen bananas , mangoes , yogurt , homemade smoothies , and just not having ice cream in the house . These are all good suggestions . I think I will definitely have to go with not having it in the house . If it is here , it has to be eaten . I prefer to be the one to do the eating . I decided I would go for a run today at 4 : 30 pm . I put my sons and my toddler in the van and off we went to the park . The wind was blowing fiercely . When I got there , I thought I should warn them to stay away from trees so the trees wouldn 't fall on them . Then I decided that if I had to make that warning , I probably shouldn 't be there . We didn 't even get out of the van . I turned around and went home . I then decided that I would run when my husband got home from work . I figured he could watch the children while I ran . When he arrived home , I asked him if he wanted to eat before or after I went running . He decided that he wanted to go too . We put the children in the van and off we went . It was still really windy , but since he would be there to watch out for them , I felt much more secure . I ran my four miles . It took 45 minutes and 20 seconds . This is faster than 11 . 5 min / mile . I was happy with it , especially with how hard the wind was blowing . I am not sure how hard some of those gusts were , but it some of them were really strong gusts . On my last lap , it started raining . . . HARD . I ran as fast as I could , directly for the van . Keith had already went to the van and had the children inside before the rain started . I just had to do that last lap . I figured that since there was only a 5 % chance of rain , the dds were with me . That it would just be really windy , the clouds would pass , and no rain would fall . I am glad it rained though . It was a cool rain , which felt really good at the end of the run . We need rain here in Utah . It is drought stricken . It didn 't rain for long , but any rain ( without lightning ) we can get , is good . Lightning is bad , it starts fires , since it is so dry here . Last week I ran 13 miles . On August 31 , I will run 13 . 1 miles . I still have a long way to go in order to get to that point . I will have a lot of training miles to go . I am excited to get there ! I have been running , even though I haven 't been blogging about it . I bought a used jogger stroller a couple of weeks ago . It is amazing ! It is a Schwinn M3 . I got it from the classified ads for $ 65 . I think the last time I wrote , I was complaining that my stroller was veering hard right . It was just way too hard to keep running with it . When I found the new jogger , I had to snag it up quickly . Last night I went running . It has been sweltering hot here , but I need to continue my training . I have decided that I am going to do the Layton Syracuse half marathon . I still have about 2 1 / 2 months to train . I decided that I would run along a trail that has some shade , instead of around my usual loop that has very little shade . It was the first time I ran this part of the trail . There is point of the trail that crosses the street . Right before the street , there was uneven concrete . Since I had never run , or walked , this area before , I didn 't know it was there . I tripped over the concrete . If I hadn 't regained my balance , I was very aware that I was going to land directly in the road in front a moving vehicle . It took a lot to regain my balance , but I didn 't want to end up as roadkill . While running , I am not looking consistently at the ground . That could have been the cause of my demise . Thankfully , it wasn 't . Today , I went to the City Building and notified them of that problem . It could be a death trap . No runner ( or anyone ) wants to go out for a stroll and never come home . I went to Wal - Mart today with my mom . On the magazine racks , there was the " People Magazine . " On the cover were three women who are now amputees because of the Boston Marathon Terrorist Attack . It broke my heart . They didn 't go to the Boston Marathon on April 15 , 2013 , and plan to lose parts of their legs . Others didn 't go and plan to suffer injuries or death . I am horrified by what some people will do to others . Today was a day when I really felt like I had to get out and go for a run . Perhaps it is because I went to a sushi buffet . I didn 't overdo it , I had 8 pieces , but I could have eaten a lot more . I also had some salad and sweet and sour chicken . It was super good . I made dinner for a family who just had a new addition born . I dropped it off at about 5 : 45 pm and then went for my run . I brought my whole family with me . They like to play at the park while I push the baby in the jogger . I figured I would attempt a 3 mile run . I got out and within the first few steps , I realized I had forgotten a very important piece of apparel when going running . I did NOT put on a sports bra . I am a nursing mom . I wear nursing bras . I put the sports bra on over it . Not this time . I told my husband , when he caught up with me , that I had forgotten the sports bra . He laughed . He knew the predicament I had gotten myself into . I was sure that by the first time around the 2 / 3 mile loop , the nursing bra would have come undone on both sides . I couldn 't announce that we were all going to go home , as I knew that would cause great weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth . My children would not appreciate that their time on the playground had disintegrated into nothing . I thought , I will run one time around . I decided after the first time around , that I should at least finish 2 miles . That is what I did . It was one of the least comfortable runs I have gone on , in a long time . I do think it will serve as a reminder to make sure I have put on all the required pieces of clothing next time . To make matters worse , the jogger 's front tire would not hold any air for a long time . I decided on Monday to buy a new inner tube for it . I replaced the inner tube in the stroller with the new one . The tire would now hold air . I was super excited . Later that evening , I decided to take the baby for a jog . We made it a few minutes , before my stomach was in a great deal of pain , and I realized that the jogger would not go straight if my life depended on it . The jogger pulls hard right . It only takes a few steps before I have moved quickly to the right . I came home and decided that I should tighten the left side of the front tire . It seemed that would make the tire more straight . I took it running last night . I was wrong . It still has a hard pull to the right . Tonight I took it again , figuring I would just keep correcting it . That gets incredibly tiresome . I ran a lot with the jogger only on the back wheels . That kept the stroller going straight , but it takes more energy than I really want to exert . I have to figure out what to do , or I am going to have to see about finding a good , secondhand jogger . Who knew that replacing an inner tube could cause so much trouble ! I guess I should have just kept running with it flat , it was easier that way ! The last two days I have run for a total of 81 . 5 minutes while pushing my daughter in the jogger . I am not sure exactly how many miles I have covered . My FitBit has it at around 7 - 8 miles . I did some walking afterward , and since I can 't look down my shirt at my bra in public , I don 't know for sure what the distance is . I am leaning much closer to 7 than 8 though . I know I am not doing a 10 minute mile pushing my daughter in the jogger . Jensen Park is where I ran my first race after having my baby . The race was last year in April or May . My children , my husband and I have been back there a few times . There are ducks to feed , which the children enjoy . My two older children , my husband also did the 4 miles . I was very proud of them . I went back there yesterday to do a run . Since I have no idea where the mile markers start and which directions I am supposed to do , I decided to just run . The first time I looked down , I had been running for almost 23 minutes . I told myself that I would run for 30 minutes . When I hit 30 minutes , I figured I could run for 36 minutes , which would put me near 3 miles . At 36 minutes , I thought , why not push it to 50 minutes so I would have run right around 4 miles , give or take a little . The run was beautiful . It was a little cool to start out the run . My daughter enjoyed seeing the ducks as we walked to where I was going to start . As I was running , she started talking . I can 't understand a lot of what she says yet , but I knew that she would say " bird " when she saw one . She also started saying " bye " at random points . I don 't know if she was saying " bye " to grass or birds or me . She may have just been enjoying hearing herself talk . I was surprised she didn 't fall to sleep . After the run , I took a little walk and then went back to the van where I had some Cheerios . We got them out and started to throw it for the ducks . There was one duck , in particular , that wanted to stare my daughter in her eyes . It was invading her personal space , so she would back up . The duck would then take a few steps forward . The duck was literally eye - to - eye with her . My daughter would back up a little and it would step forward . When my daughter started to shake , I decided it was time to finish feeding them . I would throw the Cheerios as far as they would go to try to get the ducks to move back . There were probably 20 of them . The one that liked my daughter a lot would only go for the ones close by . I threw some a few feet from it and then my daughter and I walked back to the van . Today I went running with a friend and her daughter . Her baby will be one next week . She was pushing her daughter in a jogger and I was pushing mine . The children seemed to enjoy seeing each other during the run . This is the first time I have run with her . She is a friend from church . We were supposed to run last week but it had gotten cold and I didn 't want our children to get sick being in the cold for a while . We ran one of the trails for 15 minutes and some odd seconds in one direction and then back , for a total of about 31 . 5 minutes . She is faster than me . I am still trying to get used to running with a jogger . I did enjoy the run though . The only other people I have ever run with is my sister and my brother . It is nice to have found a friend to run with . Since my sister moved away , I think it is important to try to find friends , because it would be really easy for me to just stay at home and to myself . I think that it will also help me to become a better runner . I have always believed that if you run with someone better than you , it will help you to get better . I hope that I will get faster . I am starting to enjoy running again . I guess it takes a while to get back to that point where you look forward to a run . It is fun to hear my daughter talking about / to the nature that is around her . She is definitely an outdoors person . I am happy that I am running with the jogger . It gives her and I time to soak in some Vitamin D together . I think she will remember these times as she gets older , if I keep it up . I always hope to have my children run with me someday . Posted by I haven 't written in a bit . That isn 't because I haven 't run , it is because I was trying to balance time between running , taking care of a sick toddler and life . I just didn 't sit down to blog about the runs . I ran with my toddler in her jogger for FOUR miles . I skipped from two to four miles with the jogger . It added about a minute per mile . She enjoyed it for a little while . The run was on April 24 , so it has been a week . She enjoyed seeing all the birds that would take flight or just hop around . She is a real nature lover . I ran 2 / 3 of a mile , or a little bit more on Saturday . My throat was just hurting too bad to try to continue at all . I didn 't want to push myself into illness , especially having a sick little one . That morning , was an earlier morning than most Saturdays . My husband , my toddler , and I , brought my brother - in - law to the airport and then headed to the Primary Children 's Hospital . She had to get blood work done and a throat swab . I have received all good news from that blood work . She seems to be doing better . I had scheduled a run with a friend from church this morning . I didn 't realize that it would be in the 30s at the time we were supposed to run . We would be both pushing our youngest child in a jogger . She has a baby who is less than one . I decided I should cancel that run . I didn 't want her little one , or mine , to get sick . My toddler is just now starting to feel well again . I am hoping it is lasting ! I hope to run later this evening , but if not , it will be tomorrow . I am planning to do a 10K this summer , instead of a half - marathon . I think I will be doing a lot of my running with the baby in the jogger , and I just don 't think I could get enough mileage under my belt doing that to attempt a half - marathon . I figure I will wait until she is a little older . With that being said , I hope if you are a runner , the weather is good for you ! I started running in 2009 . I found it to be a great stress reducer , as well as an efficient way to drop unwanted pounds . It took a while to really learn to love it , but I did learn to love it . I would hate to miss a run . There were times that runs just couldn 't happen though . I ran two marathons . I am not a fast runner . I have never professed to be fast . I guess I might even be slower than average . I enjoy running though . I knew I would never qualify for Boston . I have never set my sights on running the Boston Marathon because I would be a distant last place , I am sure . Seeing the attacks on Boston today , really stirred some strong emotions in me . I sat , in complete horror , with goosebumps covering me , for at least an hour . I watched it playing out on the screen . The older man , I just now heard on the television that he is in his 70s , falling over just a matter of yards from the finish line . The woman falling right at the finish line . My heart was breaking for the people . When I ran the SunTrust Richmond Marathon , my three young children , my husband and my mother were there . They had made signs for me to hold at the finish line . When I was nearing the finish line , I saw them . I saw them holding their signs and cheering me on . When I saw the explosions on television today , that would have been exactly where my family was in relation to the finish line in Richmond . I knew there would be injured children . Children are their parents biggest supporters . My children , at least , are mine . I can 't imagine the horror that parents were feeling , knowing that their children were probably close to the explosion . I wouldn 't have been near the finish line with 4 : 09 on the clock . I would have still been an hour and a half away . Like I said , I am not fast . I just enjoy running . I am sure the people today that were running today were doing it because they enjoy it . I don 't know anyone that would sign up to run 26 . 2 miles just to torture themselves . Lives changed today . Lives ended today . As I did my three mile run tonight , my thoughts were on Boston . My thoughts were about the people that have been training for so long for this race . Some people train a lifetime for it . It is not an easy race to qualify for . It takes a lot of dedication . I prayed as I ran . I prayed for the injured and the families of the dead . My prayers are with Boston . Although I will never run Boston , my heart is there . May God Bless the people that lost loved ones . May God Bless the people that were injured , physically and mentally . I would not have done well if I had been there and seen what people saw . May God Bless America ! I am a wife , mother , daughter and sister . These are the most important roles in my life . I enjoy blogging about my family and about my training for races . The training blog helps keep me motivated . |
Hands gather on the iron gate . Fingers that cannot hold are slipping through the bars to grasp the air , left burning even by the faintest touch . A line of desire stretching as far as the onset of night on the plantation fields is visible . Somewhere beyond , daylight has just left , and is streaking away . What happens now the rooms are all shut up ? Locks turned in every key hole , windows barred with thick blocks of iron . Rust is gathering on the panes , on the old door handles and window frames . Gasping , those who wait outside the walls are aching for the decay inside that house . Dr Barnstable has long since left . He took with him his servant and his big , leather bag . The clasp snapped shut on his box of tricks , the claw hammer has nailed its last . He is going into retirement now , never to come back to this place . The stake and sacrament can be left to someone else , he says , as his servant merrily throws open the gate . There is blood on his collar and cuff , gore trails the trouser leg , but a pipe is lit and a night of comfort is waiting for old Dr Barnstable and his servant . What happened afterwards ? There had been a fire in that old place , just before the sun went down . They all saw it , the ones outside the gate . They saw a burning in the attic window , and a figure on fire , plummeting to Earth like Lucifer , evaporating on the North Wind in a pathetic final puff of desperate half - life . Now the house is empty . Only the living can enter , and none will buy the place . Left to rot on the old plantation , the house sleeps restlessly , and the dead watch it . They are gnawing at the gate post , digging in the dirt until it stings them . Their limbs disappear , their essence annihilated while others take their place . It is the Holy Water burning them but they will not leave the house of their King , even long after Dr Barnstable dispatched him into thin air . Slipping past the crowds of phantom watchers the gate will easily swing upon your touch . You put the cold , iron key back in your pocket and proceed because you did not hear them cry to see a living soul walk where they cannot . Down the gravel path to the sound of cawing crows , to the beating wings of ravens and the creak of the bows of the antique scarecrow . Knocked down and losing his stuffing , birds have pecked out his eyes and in the patch , pumpkins are rotting . Towards the house your steps are crunching on the pebbles . The leather of your newly shined boots is scuffing and your tailored jacket is too fine to resist the cut of the wind through the corn field . It stretches away out to right and something perpetually rustles through it along the rows . The house is here and waiting . The door you unlock with another , newer key . They changed the locks . Dr Barnstable ordered it done and the man came on Sunday and now the key is small and neat in your hand , and sparkling . But see how it turns uncertainly in the lock . The man has made rough work , the key struggles , you twist and twist . The key snaps . The door , as if aware of the resistance , opens creaking loudly , you think it could almost be laughing . The house is barren now . Holy Water on the hearth , the door jam smeared with brick dust from a pouch . There is the smell of burnt sage wafting down from the gallery like a host creeping down the stairs to greet you , now that the old host is gone . Trails of blood will never be washed from the floorboards , decades of viscera smeared into the carpet . Half the rooms are shut up , and will never be opened again . The others are places where graveyard earth has been scattered . Consecrated broadcasting , Dr Barnstable was thorough as he sewed the Holy grains from space to space . It doesn 't matter that no one will ever buy the place . The dead waiting in droves at the gate spend hours just sniffing . They long for the night when the smell of sanctity finally ebbs and flows away . Its sacred atoms scattered to the wind , just like their King . Inside the house you stare out of a French window . Is there something unusual about the line of darkness beyond the tall , black fence ? A picture collapses down the wall , but you only jump inside . Are you afraid to move ? The key is broken , you think . You have to call the man back tomorrow , but he will only come on a Sunday . Dr Barnstable has gone back to Germany . There you go , he is saying to you again in your memory , it 's your inheritance now . Dr Barnstable died in his bed in the brand new hotel . The hotel with the plump towels and the bright lights and monogrammed bathrobes . His servant found him face down in the scatter cushions with lash marks all over his spotted , wrinkled body . They think the local call girl did it . They found a leaflet in his trouser pocket with her picture on it . Vampira . She looks to old to be only 16 . You are standing in the kitchen looking out at the herb garden . You laugh because they won 't be growing garlic in there . You need to laugh because it 's getting colder and you only wanted to see the place . You 're staying at the little inn on the crossroads because you don 't have Dr Barnstable 's bag of tricks . You don 't even know he 's dead . No one can reach you on your room phone , it 's ringing off the hook and hits the ground . The servant replaces his receiver and quickly packs . He 's thinking about driving out to you , but he has a boat to catch . What does the house do , now that it is so empty ? No one can use these rooms . Fortified against the dead they lie waiting , crumbling into themselves . Ivy is tracing a lineage already up through the cracks , plunging its way into the masonry , hunting out the houses ' heart . You take a look upstairs . The beds are writhing . Beetles are clicking through holes in the Egyptian cotton and take no notice of Holy curses . The master bed is positioned in front of the altar . It hasn 't been slept in in years . You think about going to the attic . Dr Barnstable said the cellar was fine , but the attic was out of bounds , which sounds ridiculous . Everything Dr Barnstable said was ridiculous , including his fee . You push open the attic door and peer inside . Dust motes are swirling delicately in the moonlight . Your lamp is only disturbing them , clashing with the moon , making monstrous light where shadows should be . The room is resentful . A giant cross is hogging the room . Oh , you think , so that 's where my money went . not only on fancy hotel rooms , and monogrammed bathrobes . The cross has nailed a shadow to the floor . It might have been intended to look like silver , but you 're guessing it 's tin plated . You lift the cross , but it 's heavier than it looks . I paid for it . You say this aloud to the room as it watches you . Somewhere outside the gate , the sniffing stops . You 'll never hear it with your ears . You drag the cross down the stairs . It 's not going to help you sell the place and the agent is coming first thing on Monday morning because they aren 't as easily spooked as the locksmith . They want the money too much . It 's a big house . Tripping on a loose board , admitting defeat , you lay the cross down on the first floor landing and it falls like stone . The crash disturbs the dust . Something is making your skin prickle . It 's allergies , you say , speaking aloud again . Taking a last look around you get ready to leave . It really smells in here , the sage hasn 't quite done its job . You glance in the downstairs rooms again quickly . The stains are starting to get to you , but they can do all sorts of things now with chemicals . You don 't want to have to pay for new carpets . You never even knew you were the last surviving relative . It 's too much work , and your business won 't run without you . The cellar . But you don 't need to go down there . It 'd be damp and the smell will be worse . Still , people will pay good money for a wine cellar . Your lamp goes out in a puff . You retrieve your matches and light it , but something feels , different . It 's truly dark now . You can no longer gaze out of the French window and see the line of shadows because they are now indistinguishable from darkness . Every step is an adventure . You 're laughing a little nervously because it 's just like being a kid . The sloping wall above the stairs is coated with watery slime and you can 't always dodge the drips . At the bottom is a corridor leading to the rows upon rows of empty stacks . The old miser didn 't leave you any rare vintages . You search around and peer into abandoned alcoves , disappointed to find nothing you 'd care to keep . You aren 't even creeped out . It 's even warm down here , strange , the rest of the house is ice cold . The old master is dead . Dr Barnstable had said before you handed him the cheque . Hocus pocus . It was part of the will , something tacked on at the end by a magistrate official you never got to meet . There was something about a county council , Freemasons , you grunted as you read the will , but there was no fighting it . You had paid up , and now felt a little disgusted that Dr Barnstable clearly hadn 't bothered to make the place look a bit more , respectable . After all , how long could it have possibly taken to perform his mumbo jumbo ? His servant had called you and said - in a tone you found unneccesarily cloak and dagger - Would you like to be there when he does it ? It had seemed like the entire town was crazy and didn 't realise that Dr Barnstable had connived his way through life and was now probably half - way to Germany with a enough money to buy a thousand silver crosses and teenage girls . No thank you . You replied , and hung up the receiver . You turn to take the stairs upwards again . You feel less certain now than you did because a hot wind is suddenly at your back . You can hear the old Doctor again , The cellar is fine , I didn 't do too much there , just leave the attic well alone for now . Perhaps it would best if you rent the place , and keep the door up there locked . He had a strange accent . He said he had been adopted . It all made sense . Still , now you 're annoyed that he suggested you rent it . Of course you 're going to sell , of course you 're going to open all these locked doors . Outside the line is waiting . Still reaching out their hands towards you through the gate . Still risking oblivion for one sniff of their dead King . Somewhere underneath the sage , they can still smell blood . They felt the ground tremble while you were in the attic . They waited in agony . Now the hot breeze is blowing at your back and they are resuming their grasping , frantically pawing the ground in front of the plantation gate . You worry about what to do with Dr Barnstable 's cross , but you didn 't see the shadow slip from under it , and seep into the wood . The warmth you feel behind you is followed by an aching , roaring , hollow sound as the ground suddenly collapses . Licks of fire are catching at the timbers , ignoring the sage and Holy Water trails . It 's just another job , Dr Barnstable had said , as he had closed the door and felt in his overcoat for the pipe , already imagining the cloying comfort of a cheap floral scent on firm , apathetic young breasts . The fix doesn 't hold if you don 't really care . . You don 't know what is happening as you rush upstairs , but the stairs are collapsing under your feet . Then in an instant there 's a hand on your shoulder , you feel yourself thrust by brute strength upwards onto the floor of the entrance hall . You 're lying on your waistcoat within a finger 's touch of the door but your head is tilted sideways . You 're panting and everything spins so you grip onto the floor . That 's when you notice the house is burning . Outside the gate , hordes are stomping and gnashing , amassing in clots of darkness . A cold hand strokes your neck . Fingers are slipping beneath your collar and you sigh as it loosens the buttons , and rips off your tie . Soon you 'll be able to breathe . A shadow is wearing your clothes . It passes through the door , now left hanging on its broken hinges , swinging with creaks which sound like laughter . Part of what used to be you is leaving , and will never come back . The fire goes out in the plantation house , smoke smoulders and is caught by the wind but no one will smell it for days . No one will buy it now . Somewhere outside the gate , a trail of black figures trickles away , gnawing at the air , following , sniffing . In a nearby harbour , Dr Barnstable 's ship is leaving with an extra crate on board . A cold fog has rendered the deck unusually quiet . As he lights the Doctor 's orphaned pipe , his servant wonders to himself : I am a man made out of ice . No , I 'm not your Jack Frost . I don 't leave glinting white fern trails on windows overnight . I just walk around in the dark , and I try not to touch anything . When the sun comes up I 'm face down on the grass . I can 't feel the wetness of the morning on the green blades as they pierce right through me . Exhaustion makes me grab at the ground to pull myself up , but I pull up no clods . There is currently no earth under my fingernails . I am transparent in the sun , the world walks right through me . I can barely see my own hands . During the day I find myself inside houses , trying to open doors . It takes a lot of concentration , but if I try I can open them . I know there are things inside but I can only vaguely see objects huddled on shelves , furniture in corners . Afterwards I always feel disappointed . I know shouldn 't touch anything , but I don 't know why . It 's just a feeling I have that it isn 't right for me to be touching them . Sometimes I can 't . I reach out for a door handle and find my whole arm is gone . In the back of my mind I can hear screams , as if I someone was in those rooms with me . I turn around thinking I must not be alone , but all I ever catch is the edge of a skirt , or the heel of a shoe , and a tap - tapping , frantic , down the stairs . I said I was a man made out of ice . This isn 't strictly true , but I make things cold . I know this because voices tell me . Cats sneeze when I come near them , and back away . I can see the breath of animals . I know that I carry my own cold with me everywhere . I don 't know if I feel cold , because I always feel the same . Exhausted . I don 't remember things like warmth and comfort . I can see a fire burning in a hearth and sometimes I 'll have a recollection of what it meant to be beside one . I can put my hands out now , towards the fire , and I see only a fog around my hands . Men of ice have no business being near fires . At night , I feel more substantial . I don 't know quite why . I think perhaps it has something to do with the way the darkness fills up the spaces where parts of me should be . I hold my hand up to the sky , and when I look through it , I can see stars sometimes . The moon makes me feel like I have an outline . Sometimes , I think I can see people . For a moment there will be a face on the street , lit up with a sudden panic . They vanish after that , and the street is empty again . " Do you ever wonder why the trees , and the animals and everything here looks real , but you never see any people ? " He asked me . I shrugged . It had been so long since I had seen anyone like me that I had forgotten about talking . I thought perhaps the conversation was over . I thought about leaving , but part of me wanted to try to talk to the man . It had been so long , but I was sure that I used to talk to people , and feel warmth , and eat and laugh and do all those sorts of things . " There 's just the cold now , isn 't there . It eats right through you . You just feel like an icicle , walking around , spreading the fog , and the chill - " " Yeah course . " He said . " Course I do , everyone like us does . Once you get to this stage , it 's hard to thaw . You want to , but when people come near you and feel the cold they scarper . You can 't get enough warmth from them to put out all that ice inside . Can 't even hold yourself together . You fall away in bits . That 's what happens if you don 't thaw . " I mused over what he had said . I told him about about how my hands fogged up when I went near a hearth . " I 've come to the conclusion now that it isn 't worth your while trying . Men of ice have no business being near fires , " he said . I last saw him a few months ago . He was in a state because a girl had started coming to the graveyard at night . There are no fences around it , only the road which winds round a little stone wall . Foxes dart about between the trees , up and over the wall , and into the traffic , They give night drivers quite a scare . I see the cars , but not the drivers . He was agitated because the girl was coming regularly , and it made him feel uncomfortable . He worried she would know he was there , and it would get awkward . He was older than me I think , but I don 't know . He just seemed like someone old . Thinking about that made me wonder if I was old , because I couldn 't remember . But he definitely seemed older than me . I thought it was funny that he was so worked up about the girl , but I sort of knew what he meant . I didn 't like having to see people either , or being seen . I saw her in the graveyard , she was vague at first , but the more I saw her , the more she became quite real . He had said she was a girl , but I thought she was more of a lady . I think the old man called her a girl because he was old . I like now to measure myself somewhere in between the old man and the lady , in terms of age . It makes me feel more substantial . I like knowing that something about me can be measured . She reads books on the benches , or on the grass at the edges of the graveyard where a little light from the street lamps floods in . The foxes don 't know what to do about her either . She tries to talk to them but they panic and run . She saw me one night , and looked at me for a while , her eyes grew very wide , but I think she could tell that I didn 't like it , and so she went back to reading her book . I could see that her hands were shaking though , and I felt bad , so I left . I keep coming back to the graveyard . Sometimes I sit on the bench and watch her read . she talks to me now and I think I reply but I can 't hear my own voice most of the time . Sometimes the words come out though , and it makes her smile . The next night she brought me a candle . She showed me how to hold it . " The trick is not to let go , " she said . Somewhere beneath the wisps of fog I thought I could see a pair of hands . We live in West , in the realm of ice , Banneran and I , and the wolf - dog woman Orkoosh . I have no memory of being born , unlike them . I used to think I was their child but Banneran said , no , I had come to them from across one of the ice plains to the East . One of the old women had put me on a sled and sent me cascading across the plain wrapped in coats of pelts . He said the sled bounded and danced - Orkoosh saw it coming as she was out hunting and came running to him saying , look , a wonder ! There is a child in the sled Banne ! Orkoosh had said that it was because she remembers . I don 't understand it but that was all she said about it . Except that the East was a land basked in Sunshine , where we had only the Moon . Sunshine was a different kind of light , she said , which was much brighter than ours , but that , as we had the beautiful stars and the emerald light , we had nothing to complain about . I mentioned to you just now about not remembering being born . Apparently that 's a gift that the people of the West have , they remember being born just as the people of the East remember dying . I have lived a long time now in the snow of the West and I don 't remember being born and I don 't remember dying . This has led Orkoosh to wonder if I am from the East at all . What memories do you have ? She asks me all the time . I answer her , only of you and Banneran . Then she laughs as if it has all been a joke , and pats my head and will say , of course . She then motions to the sled I was brought on . Go and play , she says . In an instant she will turn from me and slink gracefully into her wolf - dog form and I will harness her to the sled and we will race about the snow plains under the purple - black sky covered with emerald lights - the lights that come from some other place , and know us , and watch over us as we play . Sometimes when we stop for breath I will ask Orkoosh to turn back into a woman and ask her questions . I ask her how long I have been with them , and she will say , don 't you remember ? You have been here for one hundred and eleven years . I will question her , how does she know this ? and she will say it 's because all shape - shifters know the passage of days . When you talk of the old woman , what do you mean ? I say to her , and she replies Old age is something that happens elsewhere , and I say to her , what happens elsewhere ? She will shake her head as if she thinks I 'm silly , and then off she goes again - ZIP ! - slinking back into a wolf and we fly across the ice back to the hut , and to Banneran who loves us . Then Orkoosh will change and they will always greet each other as if they been apart for a long time , and don 't quite know each other . He will ask her if she would like to sit down , for example , and then we will all eat . After dinner , Orkoosh and Banneran will seem to remember that they know each other , and will sit in the warmth of the hut and comb each other 's hair . This will take a long time because Orkoosh 's long , unruly locks will have gathered many tangles from the ice wind . Banneran will nod over to me and say , well , where is your comb young man ? Then I will put my hand in my pocket and there it is , the comb made of wood inlaid with mother - of - pearl . Orkoosh says that the old woman gave it to me . I begin to comb my hair too , because Orkoosh says fondly that the old woman would want me to look my best . It is tradition that Orkoosh tells him stories each time that we return . I don 't know where she gets them from , they are always fantastical . My stories are about little fish that I see , glinting in the ice pools , or bears in the distance , or the moon rising . Orkoosh , however , always has stories about princes and magicians and priestesses and treasure and great ships that roam the sky , flying along on the vapours left by the burning emerald lights . Banneran responds to Orkoosh 's stories . He says playfully , no no Koos , you have told that one before I think , even when she hasn 't . Or , akakaka , ( he clicks his tongue ) Koos I don 't like this story , the prince is too arrogant , the priestess would never grant him an entire kingdom for rescuing just one golden key . Be serious ! When I ask Banneran how long he has loved Orkoosh he smiles and says he doesn 't know . When I ask Orkoosh she laughs and says , almost forever , and that she knows this because she remembers being born . Then , after the stories are told , they say goodnight to me , and I creep through the pelt curtain on the East - hand side of the hut and am in my own den . Banneran has lit a fire in there for me with his magic , and from my bed I look up to the space in the roof where one brick is made of glass , because I asked Banneran to put it there . I asked him to make a glass brick , so that I could see out and watch the emerald lights fade , and the clouds race across the stars . The fire crackles with blue and lilac flames , Banneran 's magic will keep it burning while I sleep . Sometimes I wonder , as I look up through the glass brick to the sky , what we are , and why we live apart from others . I wonder how Orkoosh came to be a wolf - dog woman , or how Banneran came to have magic . Or who I am , and why I will never grow old , or remember being born , or remember dying . Orkoosh smiles at Banneran , rolling her eyes , when I ask her these questions , and says only Because we are in paradise . When I ask her what that means , Banneran answers . He says that sometimes the people in the East have dreams they don 't wake up from , and that we live in one of those dreams . That somewhere , a boy exactly like me grew up , lived his life , and then died , and in that final dream he imagined that he was a little boy again , and that his grandmother wrapped him in pelts and sent him across the ice on a sled to the West , where the people remember being born . When I say I don 't understand , Orkoosh answers , you said you only remember me and Banneran , is that true ? I nod . Then you are from the East after all . She says , and smiles . I crawl to my den and sleep , and when I wake , I wonder why it is that I never remember my dreams . The man and the woman from their separate vantage points stood sadly surveying each other from a distance , as they had done , year after year . The man had kept a weekly vigil by the lake for so long now , that people had stopped asking him when he would settle down and take a wife . Now the local people avoided him because they had watched him grow into someone strange . " Handsome , but witch - touched , " the old women would say about him as he walked alone down the street . " I have something for you , " he said , producing a wooden box . It was small , made of dark wood like mahogany , and criss - crossed with a lattice filigree of darting silver lines . It glinted in the moonlight as he held it out to the woman in the water . At last embracing , with a kiss they froze , and became two stone lovers . The box which had lain between them closed with a click . The waters lapped ferociously at the rocks , and cries filled the air like bleating gulls . A dark hand grasped out to grab the box , and pull it beneath the waves . " Oh , " the girl shrugged . " Those are the Lovers . " Seeing his blank look she continued with a playful glance back at him . " A man , and a mermaid , it 's an old folktale - oh never mind . " They were quiet for a moment , and both stood surveying the huddle of weatherworn stone which now resembled a little bridge from the land to the water . " My Grandfather thought there were really mermaids in the lake , so he would never let me come here . " She said . " I once had a joke with him - said that mermaids only drown boys , but he insisted that the mer - people had been very angry about their daughter getting seduced and turned to stone , and that they would likely try to do me a mischief anyway . " She picked up a stone and hurled it towards the lake . It hit the surface , then seemed to hang right on the edge for a moment , before slowly sinking below the waters . The girl rubbed her eyes , there were ripples spreading all over the surface of the lake like a shudder . " Let 's go , " she grabbed the boys ' hand and pulled him away from the water , but he said " wait a moment , " and dashed off towards the rocks . He had darted down towards the stone bridge snatching something up from the water 's edge , it was a box . The couple set off back the way they had come , as behind them , a green hand slunk back down below the water . " Oh a big crash or something , no one talks about it anymore but lots of people died . It was a really long time ago though . " Roberta said , growing disinterested in the conversation as we approached the train . " Get lost ! " I snatched it back , but it made me stumble and feel stupid . Mandy was older than me , so was Amelia . I didn 't want to go along with it but I was afraid to look like a coward . " Pathetic ! " I heard Mandy shout after me . I turned after I 'd crossed the street and saw Roberta standing a little way behind the other two , looking back at me . I felt bad then for leaving her , because she wasn 't as bad as the others . From where I was standing at the crossroads I could now see Roberta join Amelia and Mandy , her skeleton lantern bobbing along until it joined Amelia 's werewolf . They were trying to get into the carriage , I could hear their voices but not what they were saying . I was about to give up and head home then when I heard a noise . It was like a door creaking in the wind , and there was a rattling sound too , it was so strange that it made me stop where I was . A light appeared in the wreck , it lit up Amelia 's face and showed her shock . She raised her hand up to cover her eyes as Roberta grabbed for Mandy and pulled her away from the carriage . I heard steam hiss and a whistle blow and suddenly the carriage was moving ; the cab reared up in front like a dancing cobra , pulling the carriage back underneath it . Fallen , rusted metal rods leaped up from their place on the grass and reached out like grasping fingers , sweeping the girls off their feet with a roaring whooosh as their bodies disappeared into the darkness inside of the carriage . Their screams lasted only a second before cutting off dead . It watched me for a while , and I suppose it was thinking . I couldn 't do anything I was so afraid . In the corner of my eye I could see Roberta 's skeleton lantern fizzle out and die by the roadside . That changed things . It made me want to move as fast as I could to get away from there , and I 've never run so hard in my life . I ran so hard that I tripped and fell , skidding on the wet concrete and cutting my jeans open . I cried out in pain and looked back because I was convinced the train - thing was closing in on me . I was so proud to work there . Every morning as I rounded that final corner I would catch a glimpse of the building basking in rising sun . It dominates the skyline from every direction , you can 't escape it . As a feat of architecture it 's not only functional but aesthetically captivating , it has a terrible beauty about it which makes even the locals stop , and stare when they come near it . When I first started there I was on top of the world about it . I mean you would be wouldn 't you ? Starting at a firm like that . My decision to re - train , at my age , was such a gamble . I really thought it had paid off . It wasn 't the firm , not at first , I mean it was , but it was the building . I know you won 't understand until I explain it all , but the people were a delight to start off with . Most of them were very nice , and very sociable people , you know , always inviting me to their houses , and barbeques and all that . I never went of course , being me , I sort of wish I had now because maybe then I would have sensed something from them . But then , I still don 't know who knew about it , about the building . It really started one day when I was in at the weekend , on my own . I remember waking up that day and thinking that I could do a thousand things with my time , that I was on top of all my work and so could spend the day doing anything , or nothing , and yet , suddenly there I was , on the way to work . I just needed to be there . Suddenly I felt as if not being there was a waste of my time . Here 's a picture I took . You can see how the surface of the copper on that side catches the sunlight so beautifully . It 's a sculpture really isn 't it . All those layers , those jutting edges . Yes , that part does look like a face doesn 't it ? You could almost believe it was watching you . I have so many photos like that , all from different angles . Even in the rain it looks majestic . Perhaps , especially in the rain . I have no idea who built it . I tried to find out but it isn 't even on the net anywhere . The design is always credited to the firm and what they call the C . C . C , " Collective Creative Cooperative " which is a kind of employee program I suppose you could call it . It was brought up in meetings but I never seemed to be able to find out much about it either . Some sort of extracurricular artistic collaboration I thought it was . You know modern businesses are so hellbent on teamwork and bonding and expressing yourself , all that gumpf . I stayed there all day , I worked on a project , idly . I remember thinking , as I ate my lunch , I should feel lonely here . But I didn 't . I was almost glad to be alone . To have that space to myself . I remember looking at the walls and marveling at how I thought there were must have been paintings up , but there were none at all . Just the wall , but it in itself was fascinating . The way it seemed have that natural flow , like water , like a river . It was part stone , part metal , it seemed to shift with the eye . It got late and I suddenly realised that I hadn 't typed anything or read anything , or even thought about anything in at least half an hour . It was so peaceful , like being in a womb . Because at night the lights would go dim naturally , and the huge windows would let the soft sunset in . The sunsets up on my floor were spectacular , it was like bathing in a watercolour , every night . It became a habit . I couldn 't stop going back there on the weekends , and during the week I 'd stay late . Sometimes others would stay too , but we kept to ourselves . It was as if no one wanted to disturb the atmosphere , that strange , calm movement the place had , like sitting in a giant rocking chair . One night I thought I could make out voices . Whispers . There was no one in the office , and I had to check my phone to make sure I hadn 't called anyone by accident , I hadn 't . The whispers were coming from all around me . I thought I had been dreaming , but In a few minutes of getting up , standing very still and listening , I realised where the sound was emanating from . It was coming from the walls . I lent my ear up against one and heard it . The voices all whispering . I think there were actually speaking loudly , maybe they were even shouting , but all that material was blocking the sound , trapped it in stone and iron . Yes it dawned on me that they must be piping sound in through the walls somehow . It could have been one of those arty ideas , to make the building a talking installation or something . They do that in art galleries sometimes don 't they ? And the building is a work of art , or rather it 's even more than that . One day I was invited to join the C . C . C . My manager showed me a leaflet with lots of vague statements on it about " giving back " and " rewarding loyal employees " , " personal enrichment " that sort of thing . I glanced at it and said I would love to be a part of it , at once , without even asking what it was . By this stage I was in work all the time , and I had begun to notice how quickly people came and went in that job . Many faces remained to treat me kindly or to give me increasingly unsettling stares in the corridor , but there was also a high turn - over of nobodies . I guessed they were just part - timers . I never really made an effort to get to know anybody who I didn 't have to directly work with . Every so often one of the managers would talk about the " dispatchables " , and I soon realised that they meant those come - and - go staffers whom no one really knew but who seemed to fulfill their roles and then quietly fade into obscurity . I remember my own manager , the man who had given me the leaflet , say , The business was ludicrously successful . When he said that , I pondered my future at the company , and it wasn 't even about a promotion or the money , it was about what he had said , about maintaining . I wanted to be a custodian , of that building . It had become my whole world . Finally , they took me aside and said that they would explain the CCC to me . They said that I had shown enough dedication and had been there long enough to enjoy its benefits . It was in a meeting at 6pm on a Friday , when everyone else had gone home . I remember watching the last rays of light glide down onto the table , and looking around at the faces of the others who had fallen into shadows . I was suffering from exhaustion . The voices in the walls were now everywhere and when I left that building I couldn 't sleep because I missed them . I felt disconnected without their chatter . The managers led me away from the conference room . One of them explained the architecture of the building to me in terms of flows of energy , like in Feng Shui . As we passed room after room , down flights and along more corridors her voice mingled with the wall whispers and her hands pointed out this feature and that . She imparted the wisdom of the structure to me , how it caught all the positive energy like a trap , reached out and grasped energy from its surroundings , and from us . But people like me benefited from this . We were wrapped in this flow , our energies becoming one with all the others ; streams and eddies of opportunity , of luck , of wisdom , all caught up in the building 's every living breath . I didn 't really think much about the validity of what she was saying as we walked . Of course it sounds ridiculous , but I just listened . Everything made perfect sense to me then because my work was my life . Whenever I entered that building I came alive , and when I left I was emptied of it . We ended up at a small door down in the basement . It was dark and hot down there , like a boiler room . They opened the door and we all stepped inside . You wouldn 't believe what I saw in there , how majestic that room was for all its inauspicious appearance from the corridor . The walls were like gold with glints of copper , bronze , I don 't know what . They whispered and writhed . The floor was a dark red , like a resin , like a very deep amber , and in it floated shapes , seemingly borne along by a current . In front of me I saw two men and a woman . They stood before a patch of wall marked like a doorway without a door . They all had their backs to me . The man was limp , as though drunk or asleep , held up by the man and the woman . Then the man and the woman woke the slumped man . They said some things to him which seemed to distress him , before leading him forward . They propped him up against the wall and everyone waited . Nothing happened for a few minutes , then I saw his eyes widen , and swivel . He moved , he was being pulled backwards , sucked . His shoulder went first and he struggled , but fingertips appeared to grasp him , and pull him further in . A foot appeared , more limbs , it was as if a struggle was going on between those behind the wall and the man in front of it . I saw a palm go up on the golden wall , beating against the material , but it couldn 't break the surface . The man was now pinned , both his arms behind him , screaming at us . I gave three people to the wall . Not that many , not as many as the others . I knew their names because I had to research them first . They couldn 't be sick , mentally or physically . That would affected us all . But one day I got sick . I nearly died . Something I picked up from a late night meal on the way home . I was in hospital for weeks . At first not being near to the building was unbearable . But as I grew in strength I started to forget about it , it lost its hold on me . I mean I still knew that I was guilty of hideous things , but somehow even my guilt was tied up with the building . It wasn 't a part of me , because when I was there I wasn 't myself . Strangely enough , it was only when I passed the building on the bus that it hit me . All of what it was . A living , breathing thing . Hungry , insatiable . And I had fed my colleagues to it . I looked out at the building from the bus window , and something looked back at me . We were both remembering . I never went back . The firm never even contacted me , except once . They sent me a chatty letter , reminding me that the C . C . C was " the future of corporate business " , and that I was always welcome , should I wish to return . It mentioned they were planning on expanding . We checked the premises thoroughly . Honestly , there was no corner we did not excavate , no corridor not stalked down or bedroom not searched from top to bottom for clues as to the whereabouts of my uncle or his guests . The hotel had been in the family for centuries . Of course , it hadn 't always been open to the paying public . It had been a very grand residence that few saw the interior of when many longed to be admitted . No , it was only my uncle 's folly to try and renovate the place and make it turn a profit at last , when it had " eaten away at the family for years , " those were his words . Now we stared at the place and wondered if we had ever really known it . Had we felt at home there ? At Christmas visits there had been many roaring fires , many carols sung and wreaths hung everywhere so as we never noticed the decay , the maudlin . Now it was overwhelmingly apparent , that aching emptiness , and in the midst of that lay something else . I tried to put my finger on that sensation in particular , but always it eluded me , and slunk back out of sight . Now that I come to think about it , perhaps there had always been something about that house that wasn 't right . It was after our Grandfather died that I remembered feeling unease creep in about the place . " No more jolly winters " Julie had said at the time . I knew exactly what she meant , now . I don 't know why Julie insisted on eating all our meals in the ballroom , it was dire . Surely we would have been just as happy in the kitchen . When I say ballroom , it wasn 't as grand as all that . It was a very spacious room to be sure , with chandeliers and several tables scattered about with table cloths and flowers , and cutlery gleaming . But it was dire to me , because of that . Because of the expectation of all the guests who would never eat there . You know I never liked my uncle . Never liked him . I thought he was a empty man . He talked a lot about the great plans he had for this and that , and he was always running from place to place , to do great things , to see great people , but he would never sit down and have lunch with you . You simply could never get hold of him . The letters he sent on special occasions were always written by his secretary . I remember vividly , now , the last correspondence I had with him because it had been a present , and in his own hand writing . It was a diary . On the front was the head of a creature , like a dog , or a lion , I 'm not sure which . My uncle explained in the letter attached to it , that this was to be the new hotel 's emblem . He had had the diaries commissioned and sent around as gifts to everyone of note . This one was slightly torn I noticed , one of the corners looked somewhat chewed . A reject I suspect . Apparently the design had been taken from an etching my uncle had discovered in one of the rooms . He described how he had been " getting the place ready " which seemed to amount to him foraging in drawers more than doing actual renovations . The image had at once caught his eye . I thought it was more off - putting than anything . It was a beast , an amalgamation , not a proud lion or a faithful hound , but a hybrid , possessing neither the good qualities of either . I still have the diary but I try not to look at it . I too , keep it locked in a drawer . Julie , of course , being possessed of a particularly morbid curiosity , insisted on staying at the hotel in the hope that Uncle would return and explain everything . Maybe , she supposed , this was all a game for him . Maybe he was planning on surprising us , maybe it was a publicity stunt , after all it was autumn , and isn 't that the perfect time for mysteries ? I wondered that she didn 't know Uncle better . Why would he go to all that trouble and only invite a handful of relatives and old friends ? I had assumed he had invited us so that he could , yet again , prove to us what a blazing success he was . After all , hadn 't we voiced our concern at his plans for the old place ? Still , we held off phoning the police . Just in case . In a way I 'm glad now . Our rooms had been allocated to us before hand , we found the sheet with each of our names on and the room number written beside . It was left on the reception desk weighed down with a glass of white wine . We each retrieved our keys and had gone to inspect the rooms . Ours was beautifully furnished , but had no soap , no towels . There was no note , no fresh cut flowers . No outward signs of ostentation . The other rooms were the same . The first two nights we stayed I slept alright . Julie slept in the other bed and tossed and turned constantly . She had been having nightmares she said , about our uncle , and about some other people she had never met . I didn 't think twice about it until the third night when I was awoken out of a fitful dream by a strange sound . The dream had been so hazy that upon waking I only had vague suggestions of it . My uncle had been in it , a women , and several men . They were all walking away from the hotel and off into the grounds . But the whole image was obscured by a kind of fog . As I said , I woke up with a start anyway , and so most of the dream was lost to me , but that part I remember . What I am not sure of , is what exactly caused me to wake . I know it was a sound , I had the sensation of it still ringing in my ears but it was nothing I could place . I had the idea that it might have been an fox , you know how unnatural their cries can sound , but it was lower than that . It was almost like a fog horn , a strange bellowing . But we were so far now from the sea . That night I got up and I went to my grandfather 's old study . It was the oddest thing to do , I know . But I felt such a strong compulsion to go there again , to see it , when I had not been in that room in years . I knew that Uncle had left it mostly untouched , he had said so himself in his letter ; that he couldn 't bear to disturb the sanctity of the place when his father had spent so many happy hours there . I found the door unlocked , moonlight came streaming in the windows illuminating the old desk , my grandfather 's chair , all the bursting bookcases . I went forward into the room in the half - darkness in my slippers and pyjamas . I crept forward even though I felt utterly foolish . It was as if I feared being discovered , or being observed by anyone , or anything , even though I knew that that was a ridiculous idea . I sat down at the desk , and only then did I turn on the lamp . Someone had evidently searched the room earlier , I have a vague memory of Julie saying she would do it , certainly the drawers had been emptied and papers set here and there , neatly and methodically stacked . I sat there for a few moments not knowing what to look at , when a piece of paper caught my eye . It had been set apart , left on the ledge of one of the tall windows . I got up and fetched it . It was a letter from my grandfather to my uncle , which evidently had found its way back there . It was dated not long before my grandfather 's death . So much so that a chill tingled along my spine as I read it . It must have been one of the last things he 'd ever written . Most of the letter contained a sad account of my grandfather 's ill health and arrangements to be made in the event of his death . Right at the end , he began to talk about the old house , and what should be done about it . My uncle would of course inherit , being the last surviving boy , but the next lines puzzled me . The hand was shaky but the words were still legible . " I have , I know , told you often enough of my desire for you to keep this as your home . Your sister has informed me of your plans though , and if money is your concern then that is understandable . I only wish you would not alter the place too much , as it would pain me greatly ( and your grandmother were she alive ) to have the house gutted , or something awful like that , and made modern , as it were . One thing I do wish to impress upon you , and this is vital - leave the copse as it is . You know the patch I mean . That little wood at the ground 's edge . You must promise me not to dig any of that up or disturb it in any way . Really it would be best if you had it partitioned off . Now you must agree with me on this , no matter what you think about it . I do not wish to have to repeat the story I told to you last Christmas . You can scoff at me all you want , but it may be my last request to you . " That was the last line . The letter was signed affectionately enough , but that was it . I did not know what to make of it at all , and I tried to recall our visit to the house that last Christmas but if stories were told regarding the copse , then I knew nothing of it . My uncle and grandfather , as far as I could have told , had given no indication of any pact between them . I took the letter with me and left the study , and as I was passing through the room I glanced out of the window and onto the long lawn I had seen in my dream . A mist was gathering somewhere at its edge , for an instance I thought I could make out a dark shape creeping through the trees , scattering the moonbeams , but I turned away . It was only the letter and the dream and my Uncle 's disappearance . I told myself that I was being fooled by it all , and went straight back to bed . |
I am very glad that you responded to my letter . Because I 'm interested to know more about you . We will continue our acquaintance ? I want our relationship shifted to friendship . But I am afraid that you will not want to continue to communicate with me . I surprise you now . I 'm from Russia , from the city of Tomsk ! My name is Victoria , I am 31 years old ! It is very far away from you , but you came up with the Internet so that people can communicate at a distance . So please do not take offense at me for what I just did not say it . I thought it scares you . I hope you do not stop me from writing . We can just talk , I want to have a friend abroad . I promise I will not be boring . I am very cheerful girl , and if you continue to write to me , then you will understand it and you will see in my photos . I have already had the experience of online communication ! I met a man online who needed only my naked pictures . I want to warn you , I will not send you naked photos . I am educated girl who is looking for a serious relationship . I also want to know about your interests and hobbies . They have you got ? What do you like doing in your spare time ? I like to spend your free time with your pets . I have a cat and a parrot . Parrot my favorite , I told you about it a lot more to tell in the future . Bob , I hope that you will respond to my letter . You too can ask me questions . I am happy to answer them . Maybe we can find any common themes . I think we will be friends with you . I have not heard from you the answer . Are you okay ? You forgot about me , I 'm sorry . I felt sad last days that you did not write . I hope you can answer me on my message and explain the reason for which you so long to write to me . I miss your letters . I miss your communication . Now I can safely call you my friend . You gave me your word that you will honest with me throughout . I hope you are serious about this . Because we can talk more about yourself and ask each other what we are interested to know . I want to know about your interests and your work . What is interesting , and if you love your job ? What do you like to do after work ? I was not going to ask you for money , I wanted to have a friendship with you . I wanted to meet the man from abroad . Did I tell you about their hobbies . These are my pets , my cat and a parrot . Therefore , you will not be surprised my place of work . I moved to the city a few years ago . Since there is no work in the village , and the city has at least some perspective . But I was able to find only vendor in the pet store . Since then , I love animals , so very happy with their place of work . After work , I was always waiting for two of my favorite pet : this red cat " Kuzya " and my parrot " Gosha " . I especially love to spend time with the parrot , teach him to talk . And imagine , I had to learn to speak . Can you imagine how much laughter and fun with it ? You 're going to laugh for a long time , if you heard what he said . He repeats all the words that will be remembered . Funny to watch and hear the cat when he says " Come eat ! " ahahah ! Funny is not it ? I 'll post photos of their pets ? I hope they will lift you up ! Do you have any pets ? If there is something you tell me about them and send photos . I hope we will continue to communicate with you on various topics . I hope that we will have many common interests and hobbies . I want our relationship was interesting . I want to know more about you . So I 'll ask you the questions of interest to me . I hope you will respond to them and also to ask me what you are interested about my life . So we will have an interesting dialogue . Our communication becomes much more interesting . And I 'm glad to have found a friend like you ! How are you ? I hope that our relationship will move for the better . Today 's so nice to go out , do not look anywhere where the smiles on the faces of the people because the beautiful weather . On the street warm weather , but sometimes dripping rain . Well , it is , spring in spring and autumn are always frequent rains . I decided to go on foot to work , enjoy the weather all this beauty , which begins to blossom on the trees . I like to observe natural phenomena , I think this is the most beautiful time in nature , where everything begins to blossom and only flowers bloom everywhere and nice phnet . Reaching the work I had a wonderful mood , I would like to convey this joy to all the people around me . In general , I have the whole day was bland mood , and I 'm glad this day . How was your day ? How is your mood ? You have so many cats , how do you deal with all of them ? I handle my one sometimes can not , he loves to play with me . I do not have a tattoo , I think that it is very painful and I do not need them . But it looks very nice , you have a photo ? In this letter , I thought to talk about his family . But then I decided that I had enough to know you , so forgive me . I 'll tell you about it when I 'm ready to reveal his soul . The only thing that I will tell you something that I have them very much ! I 'll send pictures to my father , a man who I have always been in all supported , taught to be strong in spirit , and never give up . The photo was taken 6 years ago on my graduation , when I graduated from university . My letter is short this time . I 'm sorry that so far I can not reveal to you . But it will be soon , if our relationship will continue in the same pleasant . I was very pleased today to see your letter . I am pleased that our correspondence continues , and our friendship with you is becoming stronger . Have you told anyone about acquaintance with me ? I still did not tell anyone about you . But really want to tell your friends . I would like to boast that met with a very good man . But I will not say that you are from another country . Let it be a secret . Today I was again a wonderful mood morning was wonderful , because the sun was shining windows sun woke me up . the weather began to build the better , the snow is almost melted . I think that by May all melted completely and will not be able to run the dirt and on the street . I do not get out of bed gave my cat , he lay down on me and did not want to leave . He probably wanted me to stay at home Well I had to get ready for work . Still , I got up and went to get ready for work when I was going out , I fed their favorite pets . I have it eat lovers . Today , I went to work on the bus since I was late , going long . My working day was intense and loaded , but I 'm not even tired . In the evening I came home and made myself dinner . Eat , I watched TV , and soon I think to go to bed . How did you spend your day ? How are you doing ? My hobbies are my pets I love to look after them and play with them , they have a very funny and amusing . I like to listen to different music I do not have a particular taste but most of all I listen to relaxing music . I love different types of movies from comedy to drama , and you ? Bob , you romantic ? I ask because I am very romantic . And I 'm probably still strongly naive . But that was before . I used to want to believe and not to think about it a hoax . And now I have the experience . You have experience with women ? Do you have many relations were ? I want to tell you about his past relationship with a man . I 've had two and both were unsuccessful . The first cheated on me with another woman , and the second became very ill after a year relationship . They knew how to look beautiful , but they did not know how to love . I have been wrong twice in men . And now I will be very careful in choosing . In order to remain as beautiful and attractive , I head to the gym . Several times a week I will go to the fitness club . In the photo you will see that I do it often ! Before I could make a lot of pictures , because I had a good phone with a good camera . It gave me 2 years ago , my ex - boyfriend . A month ago , I dropped it in the bathroom filled with water . And after that my phone can not be repaired . At first it was a pity , but then I think that 's for the best . That did not mention anything about it . I had to buy the regular phone without a camera . I am glad you wrote to me again . I want to tell you that I am very happy that you came in my life . I see that I 'm interested in you . Bob , I am glad that we found each other . You 're interesting and sociable man . I am very pleased to learn about you more and more . I always think about you . Maybe you will be surprised , but it 's true ! My head is constantly preoccupied with thoughts of you . You know I think that we have more than communication ? Do not you think ? I want you to think about my words and wrote the opinion . I really appreciate your feedback . Finally came the weekend , and I can go out of the city to the village to rest from all this hustle and bustle . I always go there on the weekends , I have a house there , I got it from my parents . In the village of wonderful weather and a good environment , where I grew up and I was pleased to be in their places . I often go there well , mostly on weekends , because I work weekdays . Soon I will be going out on a bus I can not be late , because the last bus left which goes to the other side . I plan to take a walk by the lake where there is a beautiful and large lake . I think even go into the woods to walk to get some fresh air . I went to the bus , I will write to you on Monday , I 'm going to miss . I would like to talk today about the winter . Since last winter I have many fond memories . I love winter , for the fact that there is a lot of interesting entertainment for the winter makes a very beautiful nature . In the last winter I could skate on cheesecake , a lot of walking on a snowy forest . Especially love when it snows , large flakes ? Of course , our winter is very severe at times , but more often than not it 's a beautiful sunny days when the cheeks are rosy . How do you feel about winter and what you find fun in the winter ? I thought about you all day . You have become an inspiration to me . Now I feel happy . And all this because of you . You give me new feelings . I do not understand it . But it 's like falling in love . You might think I 'm crazy . But I 'm going to be sincere , and so I say to you all that I feel . I do not know yet what you feel for me , but I very much hope that you have a liking to me . Again came the everyday work . I am well rested this weekend . I managed to do a lot of things . First of all , I did cleaning the house , and then went for a walk around the lake . Nature began to take a view . Soon everything will start to blossom and bloom and it comes the most beautiful and pleasant period in nature . I like it when everything is blooming . Also , I was cleaning in the garden , I think in a short time to plant flowers , but do not know which to choose . Weekend passed quickly and quietly . But I had time to take a break from this city . In the morning I arrived at work , the working day was not so and so difficult . How was your weekend ? I think you have a lot of friends . I 'm right ? And do you have close friends ? I ask because many consider each other friends , but it 's only words . When it comes to assistance , or simply support in difficult times , those people whom you call your friends just turn away from you . I have long ceased to these people as friends . I think that the best close friends should not be much . In my case it 2 others that I really love and support them in every way . They never let me down , and I try not to let them . I can at any time they call , ask to come . They never told me not denied . They can listen to me and give me good advice ! I am very thankful that I have such a friend . Their name is Marina and Anna . I will post their photos . I try to see them often . And you have such friends ? I can write you a lot , because I want you to know every time for me anymore . But I understand that my long letter can be boring for you . Therefore , I will finish my letter . I hope it will bring you joy and good humor . I 'm so glad to receive your new letter . Bob , you 're so beautiful and sweet words . I re - read your letters many times and I understand that you are a very good person . With you I can discuss serious things , I can trust you . Say you really write me seriously , you write me sincerely ? I ask you this question just because we are talking about such serious things as feelings . My dear , these things can not be joking . My feelings for you are growing constantly . With each your letter I understand that you have something that attracts me , what draws me to you my prince . Today I heard the news that we have in the Tomsk region was a flood . Total in the region flooded 130 houses . We are flooding , because next to our city the river Tom . But this time it was very strong . No one expected this . On the same day there was a strong wind and we have even fallen trees on the road . I was afraid to go to work but I had to go . I was very worried . But thank God that was all well and before I go to work I wind calmed down . Working day I went well . There were a lot of buyers . In general , my day in the evening began to improve . And I was all right after I read your letter . Soon I 'll go to bed . How was your day ? What 's new happened in your country ? I am glad that you have so many friends who can help you and very cool that you go hiking . I also love to go camping with my friends . You did a good draw ? Then you can show me what you got ? to You traveled to your country ? What city is the largest in the country ? Our nation 's capital Moscow . It is the largest city . And imagine , I had time to visit there last fall . My work was sent to Moscow for the exhibition of exotic animals . My work has paid me tickets to both sides and provided me stay for two days in Moscow ! I do not have time to visit all the beautiful places . But the most important thing I was - is the Kremlin and St . Basil 's Cathedral . I 'm sending you a photo . It 's incredibly beautiful . I was delighted . This was my first trip to a long journey . I spoke today his friends that I met you . I told them about you Bob . They were very happy for me . They first did not believe me , they are like and I 've never believed that through the Internet you can find such a wonderful person like you ! But I found you and very glad and happy to do so . excuse me if I am writing to you such nonsense that happen to me . But I really wanted to share with you this , I want to talk about everything that happens to me . Today I heard the news that we have in the Tomsk region was a flood . Total in the region flooded 130 houses . We are flooding , because next to our city the river Tom . But this time it was very strong . No one expected this . On the same day there was a strong wind and we have even fallen trees on the road . I was afraid to go to work but I had to go . I was very worried . But thank God that was all well and before I go to work I wind calmed down . Working day I went well . There were a lot of buyers . In general , my day in the evening began to improve . And I was all right after I read your letter . Soon I 'll go to bed . How was your day ? What 's new happened in your country ? Remember I told you that to tell you more about your family later . Who can I trust you because you became my close friend . I 'm very few people can open your soul , but you were able to reveal it very quickly . You 're an unusual man for me , in you there is something that attracts me very much . I can not explain in words , just trust me that you became to me a lot more than just a friend ! So it pains me to talk about my family , because I lost them . I became a lonely 20 years ago , when an accident took the life of my mother . I was a little girl , and I found it very difficult to survive this loss . But I remained father , who replaced my mother . He did everything for me that I could , he gave himself to the fact that I could eat a tasty , well - dressed . He was for me the most beloved man , the benchmark . I lost it a year ago . It was for me the biggest loss in my life . I was alone , I am a long time to recover . At one point I did not want to live . Because I have no one left . If it were not for my friends , I would have probably jumped off the roof . I have a whole year could not enjoy anything else . And then you came along . You 're my angel come down from heaven . With the advent of you I start to smile again , to enjoy simple things . Maybe you 're my destiny ? I think it is no coincidence , I believe in it . My dear , my letter may be sad . Now you know that I was lonely until you . Now I feel that from you appears to me concern . I hope I 'm not mistaken . Tell me I 'm strong like me ? Do you love me ? I am happy to see your letter . Thank you for your attention . I feel your love through the distance . I could not imagine myself before that you can love a man who had never seen . And now I can say with confidence that I found my favorite person - you ! Thank you for what you came into my life . Maybe someday we will be able to meet and to our feelings became even stronger . What do you think about this ? Today I was not as rich as all the others . I woke up early in the morning , my dream was gone . I did not know what to do I just lie did not want to , I went to do your own breakfast . I made myself some tea and salad at the same time I fed their pets . Then I went to the bathroom . Today I went to work early and went slowly , but was sure that will not be late , I do not where you do not hurry . The working day was good , today I sold guinea pig . I also think to buy it myself but I have a cat , I think he will eat it . After a day , I went to her friend , we sat in her talk about life , watched TV . She fed me delicious cupcake , she did . In general , my day was good , but you as the day went ? What did you do ? My dear , I wrote that I work in a pet store as a sales manager . " I went to an exhibition of exotic animals , " I would like to see this picture , I think it was very good . I too would like to have my house hung my picture but I have not seen such a good artist who could draw me . My dear Bob , today I want to tell you about how much I love summer . Near the town , in the village of my parents got home . Behind the house is looked after by the neighbors , and I try to go there every week to calm down from the city . There 's so quiet and peaceful . Especially in the summer . Near the village a large forest and a beautiful lake . Summer - for many is the most favorite and the expected time of year . In place of the old days cool spring comes summer heat . In summer you can enjoy the warmth of the sun , I . Especially wonderful summer nature , noise bright green leaves of the forest , beautiful flowers bloom and ripen fruit . Can be a long walk and admire the white chamomile or weave a wreath of dandelions . And it 's nice to go into the shadows of the forest and hide from the heat of the day . Only in the summer lakes and rivers live life to the fullest . The water is warm and becomes transparent . On the lake is usually calm and quiet - so nice to enjoy the sun glare on the water . I 'll send you my summer photos . You 'll see them in my good mood . I hope I will be able to give you your mood . My dear I finish my letter . I really want you to think of me , just as I always think of you . Thoughts of you develop my feelings for you . So every day my love for you is growing more and more . Today I decided to go for a walk on the street after work . The weather was more or less normal for a walk , it was not cold and not hot . On the street walking a lot of people and everyone was happy . I decided not to go far away because my legs are tired . I went not far from home . Saddles on the bench , swinging on a swing in the playground . But then what is the bald guy took two began to molest a girl . They asked her to her sex with them , but she refused to go . And so they began to use brute force against it , I was scared and ran it home faster . I was very scared , I do not know what they could do with it . This is very dangerous , I 'm even afraid to go to work tomorrow , and suddenly to me could happen the same thing , and one can not stand up for me . I was very scared and has not been able to collect his thoughts . How did you spend your day ? It is unfortunate that we are at this time so far away from each other . We are separated by thousands of kilometers . But I think that we can overcome all barriers with the help of the language of love . Even the most difficult obstacles have no power to close such a strong , intelligent man like you . My love , I 'll remember the day of our meeting romantic life . What do you think about our meeting ? We could ever meet ? I do not get letters from you . I worry about you . Are you okay ? I hope the fact that you just busy at work and I could not respond to my letters . I do not want that to cease our friendship with you . I hope to hear from you early reply . And to continue our friendship with you . I do not get answers to my letters . Are you okay ? I am worried worried about you ! I hope the fact that you 're just busy with chores , and you have not had time to answer me . But I want to continue our dialogue with you ! I do not want to lose a man like you . I hope that will see your speedy 's active posts . Today 's weather is good outside the sun is shining and the weather is warm . Prior to today , I decided to walk , I do not want to miss the chance to walk in this weather . Today I 'm going for a long time because after the holidays to come in the rhythm of the day difficult . Before going to work I fed their pets . The street was a wonderful nature all blooms and it is so nice . The trees begin to turn green , and it 's become the most beautiful phenomenon . Before work , I was slow . When I went to work , my work day lasted long , long time passed . It seemed to me that it will never end . But he ended and I went home tired . When I got home I strongly wanted to sleep . Today when I went to work , I saw a poster that was written there will be a performance . By the day of the seventieth anniversary of the Victory theater studio university students staged " Tomorrow Was the War " . I decided to go to this show after work . The entrance was the cathedral . The play started the evening closer , because I could at the beginning , I thought that I was going to be late . In general , he went wonderful students played well , they know their job , they gave all the atmosphere of what it was before the war . I enjoyed my evening , I 'm happy with them . It was late and dark , I was home alone , and afraid of the dark . When I came home , I wanted to sleep , I 'm tired today . So soon I 'll go to sleep and how you spent your day ? What new did you have ? I always think about you . I 'm not sure , but I think that I have found true love and romance in a relationship with you . I hope you are the one person I was looking for so long and has been waiting his entire life . I can not send you a letter without their photographs . Every girl must have been photographed in the fall when there are yellow leaves . It 's so beautiful , so I did not stay on the side and also make such pictures . Do you like them ? I am happy to receive your messages . My dear , I 'm glad you did not forget me and write to me every day . How are you ? Today is my day was usually anything interesting I did not have . I woke up early in the morning because I could not sleep I was awakened by the sound of rain . I did not know what I do , I decided to read a book . After I got up and went to wash and do your own breakfast , and of course to feed their pets about them I have never forgotten . Before you go out , I took an umbrella and thought that the rain , but before I went out rain has ended . The street was pleasant weather after the rain . But I went to work on the bus so it will be faster . At work , I had a blockage , it was a lot of customers today , and so I had a lot of sales . The day was rich and heavy , the whole day I was on my feet my feet very tired and did not keep me , I rather wanted to go home and lie down on the bed . Finally , the evening came and my working day was over , I went on a bus and went home . I came home late , made a dinner and I thought to go to bed soon , so that I could regain their strength for the next day . How was your day ? You 're such nice messages . When I wrote my first message to you , I think that will pass something important in my life . And yes I 'm not mistaken you have become very important to me . I look forward to your every letter . I very much miss you my love . In my head a lot of thoughts about you . Every day before going to sleep I think about you imagine you there . My dear , bob I miss you . I want to feel your kindness and concern in reality . I hope your day went well . Today is my day was usually anything interesting I did not have . I woke up early in the morning because I could not sleep I was awakened by the sound of rain . I did not know what I do , I decided to read a book . After I got up and went to wash and do your own breakfast , and of course to feed their pets about them I have never forgotten . Before you go out , I took an umbrella and thought that the rain , but before I went out rain has ended . The street was pleasant weather after the rain . But I went to work on the bus so it will be faster . At work , I had a blockage , it was a lot of customers today , and so I had a lot of sales . The day was rich and heavy , the whole day I was on my feet my feet very tired and did not keep me , I rather wanted to go home and lie down on the bed . Finally , the evening came and my working day was over , I went on a bus and went home . I came home late , made a dinner and I thought to go to bed soon , so that I could regain their strength for the next day . How was your day ? Today , again , I have not seen a letter from you ! Why do not you write me ! ? are you okay ? I hope you 're okay , and you 're just busy at work . I 'll wait for your answer . I 'm worried about you , I do not want to lose a man like you . I want to continue our dialogue . Today 's weather is good outside the sun is shining and the weather is warm . Prior to today , I decided to walk , I do not want to miss the chance to walk in this weather . Today I 'm going for a long time because after the holidays to come in the rhythm of the day difficult . Before going to work I fed their pets . The street was a wonderful nature all blooms and it is so nice . The trees begin to turn green , and it 's become the most beautiful phenomenon . Before work , I was slow . When I went to work , my work day lasted long , long time passed . It seemed to me that it will never end . But he ended and I went home tired . When I got home I strongly wanted to sleep . Today , after work I was on a visit to her called my best friend , Anna . She wanted to watch a movie together , I agreed to this and in the evening after a day came to her . First of all , when I came to her she offered to have tea and cake , and a cake she made , she likes to cook , I love to cook , but I did not have time , so I could help her with that . We drank tea and talked about all different weather , business , work , and much more . Anna offered to watch the film Russian comedy " women against men " well , I liked the movie was funny . After we watched the film , I started to go home because it was too late and had to go home . The evening went well and my fun , but how you spend the day ? Again , I have not received your letter . Are you okay ? I 'm worried and worried about you . I would like to know poemu you did not write ? Today I woke up from the sun , they shine in my window , I went to the balcony and looked at the weather outside . It was a wonderful sunny weather . I did not even want to go to work like a whole day to walk and walk . But I had to get ready for work . My day began as usual , in the morning I have nothing happened . I went to work early and went on foot to enjoy this wonderful weather . Prior to me not go too far . The street was still virtually blossomed was so beautiful birds singing . Everyone is preparing for the ninth of May Victory Day , was a rehearsal parade . Tomorrow will be a great holiday , my grandfather fought in the war , so tomorrow I 'll go to the parade , I am proud of my grandfather . Today is my day was not as difficult as in the beginning of this week . I 'm not tired , even today . I left home early because the customers were gone . In the evening I watched TV , and before going to bed , read a book , I think , and how you spent your day ? What did you have new ? I always think about you . My feelings for you grow more and more every day . My dear , I want you to never forget me and always thought about me . I miss you so much . It would be nice to be around hugging and kissing , do you agree with me ? I wish that you were always by my side . and I hope that all this will soon be a reality . My dear , Bob , I really want you to know I love you more than anything on this earth ! ! ! I love you with all my heart and soul . And I 'm ready to tell you that every day . Today is the big day . Day 70 lithium victory over Nazi army . Today , I 'm going to parade in our city . My grandfather was a war , I think I need to go to the parade and to honor his memory . In that year the parade we had a very nice traveled different technique marching soldiers sang songs of the war years . The faces of the veterans had tears because they remembered the days when they fought . I 'll take a flower and lay them at the sites , I must pay tribute to these soldiers because they have done a lot for the world . The spirit of a Russian soldier at the time , it was difficult to break and therefore we won this great battle . Later in the afternoon , I go with my girlfriend to my country house , we will together work for me in the garden , while on the street cost good weather . I hope that you will wait me on Monday and fine spend their weekends . My dear , Bob , my feelings for you have increased greatly . Without your letters , I feel lonely . I want you to be beside me , hugging and kissing me . My love Bob , you are my only one I loved so much . After all , I have not had such a relationship . I miss you around to wake up and fall asleep in your arms . My dear Bob , I thought very seriously about our meeting . I would like to ask you . What do you think if I came to you ? Do you want it ? We just have to talk to you about love and feelings , and to further develop our relationship , we need a meeting . I need to know what you think about it ! I am writing you this letter to you to understand that we should be together always , because I love you . I can not describe my feelings for you are so many , I do not even know where to start . You are very dear to me . I wanna be with you . It is the feeling of love that make life worth living ! They came everyday work . My weekend went well this weekend was a celebration of May 9 Victory Day . I went to the parade in his city , he was wonderful marching soldiers and students . Having passed various military equipment . I do not know you have heard or not but we had a campaign " Immortal Regiment " People were taking pictures of their relatives who fought and were in the street . It was very cool , and in the evening after dark was a beautiful fireworks . But I was still working at the weekend in his garden in a country house . Made beds planted flowers . This weekend I have been strained , and how you spent your weekend ? What did you have in the new country ? I expect from you a question about age . I will try to explain why age does not really matter to me . I do not look important man , I 'm more important man 's inner world . I value people according to their liking . With regard to our differences of age , for me it does not matter much . For me it does not matter what you are older than I am . Although it must be so . Since older men are more intelligent , reliable and cautious than younger men who are looking for the adventure on the side . I hope you understand what I am writing . You probably think that we do not fit our age , but I have another theory on this subject . I think that the main thing is , what inner qualities of man as he goes , what he does , and that he was young at heart , not the body . Do you agree with me ? My dear , I am happy to receive your letter . For me you are the most expensive and most beautiful in this world . I would say that you are the meaning of my life . At least , I can not imagine their future without you Bob ! I will pray to God that we have all been excellent . I have long thought . I thought about you and me . I thought about our meeting . Where will be our first meeting ? My dear , about 3 months ago , the best work of our pet store offered a certificate for a trip to another country . In this list , I also have . This certificate pays for my work . My dear Bob , at work today I spoke with my director of this certificate . I learned if I go to another country on the certificate . I told him that in the near future I want to have a vacation . He allowed me to take a vacation . My director told me that the organization pays for my tickets . But all the documents I need to register through a travel agency . What do you think about my visit to your country in the near future ? I would be glad and happy . I think that for me it would be easier and more convenient to come to you . My love Bob , I have never been in other countries , and I will be happy for the first time to go abroad . I 'll be happy to visit your beautiful country . I can personally say all that keeps my heart . I can finally hug you and kiss ! How great ! I love you ! You want me to come to thee ? My dear , I think we 're two adults and will be able to take this decision , which will be beneficial for both of us ! My love , I want to say again that I love you ! Today I have a very good mood . My love I hope that my letter will bring you to the same emotions . I love you Bob ! I wanna be with you ! I hope that over time our meeting will become a reality ! In the meantime , we can write to each other , these sweet messages ! Write to me , and do not forget about me ! You 're the only one for me and the dearest person in the world ! After yesterday I was so tired . Yesterday , when I was at work I had a headache today woke up this morning my head continued to hurt . But I had to get together and go to work , I drank a pill and has a job . When I went out my head held outside fresh air and the sun was shining , I went walking to work to get some air . When I began to approach the edge of the roadway there was a grandmother and she was afraid to cross the road because it drove many cars , I do not think a long time start to help her . He thanked me and wished me good health . At work , my time passed quickly , I did not even notice how it ended , and already it was evening and we had to go home . At home waiting for me my cat and a parrot they wanted to eat , I did not have time this morning to feed them . In general , my day went well , I 'm not so much but I was tired and very sleepy . In the near future I 'm going to go to bed . A So , the other day , perhaps even tomorrow , I can go to learn more about my trip to you . I do not know how much will it cost my registration documents . So now I want to ask you a very important question . This is probably the most important question in your life . And I want you to give me a definitive answer to my question . Last reply . Yes or no ? ? ? A I hope you understand the importance and the seriousness of our first meeting . Are you really ready for what I have come to you ? Are you ready for our meeting with you ? It is very important for me to know . For me it is also a very serious choice . I know that for a trip to you , I have to spend a lot of time and effort . Yes , I 'm ready for it . And you 're ready Bob ? ? ? I think you know that our meeting - the first , but also very important for our future relations . Now for me the main thing is your decision . Do you understand me , my dear Bob ? So for me , it is necessary that you gave me today a definitive answer . And if suddenly before my departure you tell me NO . I 'm very upset with you . I hope you understand . I want to be with you only . I promise you that I will do everything for this . Nothing will stop me . You understand me ? A A I think that you do not mind Bob , if I ask you some questions again . I need you to clarify some information for the trip . All right ? - Can you give me your full data ( your full name and full address ) ? I give it to my friends . My girl friend a little worried about my trip . Thus , they will not worry too much if I give it to them . ok ? If you need my address , I will also write you my address : A Now that you know almost everything about me . And the fact that you do not know , you can learn when we meet . My dear Bob , I think it will soon be able to tell you more specific information about our meeting ! It will be unforgettable ! My treasure , but you seriously want me to come to you ? Forgive me if I ask you this question . But once again I want to make sure you want me to come to you . A Now I have only one dream . In this dream , I 'm going down the plane and see you . I see flowers in your hands , it rose is my favorite flower ! I come to you , and you give me a bouquet of flowers . And here I am in your arms . We merge into a kiss of passion . We go to your home . I 'm making a romantic dinner for us . On the table is a light food . Playing soft music . We were overwhelmed with emotion , and we silently look at each other . It is so beautiful ! ! ! A I 'll wait for your answer with impatience . I hope you will answer my questions today , because it 's really important to me . OK ? Gently hug and kiss you ! No , I am sending you a sea of a ? ‹ a ? ‹ sweet kisses ! This is a very big tragedy affected so many people , as it could happen at all . And you 've seen it all with my own eyes ? As it was scary . Why so fast train ride ? It would expressway train ? How are you ? I hope all is well with you . I am very worried about you . I promise you that I will come , and that all our dreams will come true . Yes , I want to be with you , and I want to realize all our dreams into reality . But how to do it now . Sorry , I do not know . My dear Bob , today I was in a travel agency . I knew everything about my possible visit to you , and what documents I need . My dear , on the one hand I 'm really glad that everything was not as difficult as I thought . On the other hand I am very upset . My love Bob , my other expenses , except for tickets ( it is a passport , visa , and some help ) , I need $ 892 . I found this on the exchange rate of the Central Bank of Russia and translated into $ . Because I think it will be more convenient to you to understand me . The only good news is that the cost of tickets will cover my work . Otherwise , my trip would have cost even more . Of course , I assumed that registration of all documents will be expensive . But when I found out how much expensive ! I was also shocked . I had $ 300 , and I think I have enough of the money to pay for the documents . I explained the reason why is so expensive . The price includes the total amount of medical insurance . I have to have medical insurance that costs $ 600 . I was told that the policy of health insurance is mandatory when traveling abroad . I was told that all the countries with whom the visa order of entrance is set requiring medical insurance for obtaining a visa . Visa policy is impossible without issuing health insurance . This means that I can not get a visa , if I do not give money for health insurance . I was told that the policy is issued to all citizens traveling in order to reduce the large financial expenses caused by a sudden illness or accident . These laws are tightened particularly because of the unrest in Ukraine . Therefore , the Russian government has to worry about its citizens who leave Russia . Then I calmed down a bit . Managers began to explain to me that when you travel abroad , the tourist can get sick , get injured . Many citizens of Ukraine are not provided medical care because they did not have health insurance policy . But if a tourist has health insurance policy for traveling abroad , he will receive quality medical care , and the insurance company will pay for these costs . My dear , I was pleased only one in my problem . When I arrive at your country , I can get back $ 600 in your airport customs . I 'll be with you and he will not need me . You 'll be able to take care of me ? I do not want , and I am ashamed to ask for help from you . But in this situation I myself really powerless . I understand that it is a shame for me . I do not want to lose a chance for us to meet . But there is nothing to do for our meeting , I now can not . I think we must now overcome all difficulties . Do you agree with me , my love ? My dear , I do not know who else to turn to me . My dear , I am ashamed and uncomfortable in front of you . But I ask you this question Bob . Can you help me with this sum ? My love , I know it 's wrong . But I hope you can understand me . Upon arrival to you I return you your money , because the customs I get back the money paid for health insurance . I am ashamed and I feel great inconvenience to you Bob . I 'm sorry if I offended you or brought pain . But I do not have bad intentions . I just want to meet you ! The negotiation item not work due to technical problems that I 'll try to call you shortly . My love , I 'm in pain and a huge disappointment I write you this letter . I am ashamed and so unpleasant to you . Please forgive me . I hope you can understand me . I 'm going home . And I do not know what more you want me now . Tomorrow will come soon . Or , conversely , did not come to . Waiting for your answer , my love Bob . Goodbye . I hope to see you soon . Today we woke up was wonderful it was warm enough in the sky clouds . How are you doing with the weather ? In these sunny days want to be on the street . But we promised rain in the evening . This morning when I turned on the TV I heard that we have in the city , an exhibition " Exotic butterflies " . I decided to go to the exhibition after work . My working day passed quickly had a lot of customers that day but my mood was good and my time has flown by . Later in the afternoon I went to the exhibition entrance was free , I have never seen such beauty it was so beautiful that I can not betray my emotions to you in words . This only needs to be seen . I was there for about 30 minutes , and then went home , my house waiting for my pets . I had to feed them . When I came home my parrot " Gosha " told me , " I want to eat , want to eat , " it was so much fun , I fed him . It was later time and soon I 'll be going to bed . The day I went well , and how was your day ? I understand that you have a situation . But I do not know that now I do , I 'm all alone in Russia , I thought that I could be with you . I 've got nothing and no one keeps . I do not know what to do . I 'm ashamed to ask for your help but I think you can help me with at least half of the sum , I 'll try to take $ 300 from her friends . Bob , I love you very much . I want to wake up next to you , in your strong arms . I give you my warm kisses . I want to feel your tenderness . I give you all her love . Together , we will be happy . Today was as overcast and gloomy . I was even in this weather did not want to go out . But they had to get up for work . My Morning began with the fact that I was woken by my cat . He came and lay down on my bed and began to disturb me to sleep , because he wanted to be fed . I have it glutton , like a lot to eat . Then I got up and went to wash and feed the cat . I went to the balcony , and now the street was cool . The sun was gone was closed tuchkami weather was like in the fall . But I began to gather to work and dressed warmly . My day went well despite a bad weather . My mood was excellent . At work , my sales were two small parrots and a guinea pig . The working day was now not be so difficult . So I do not even tired . When evening came , I went home , my home for a surprise , my cat broke a vase . This vase has got me by my grandmother , she was so beautiful . I shouted at the cat LOL . I think he understood what I meant . I had to clean up all the pieces . How was your evening ? That was new for you ? My dear , I told her friends about our problem with you , and they agreed to help me even than that , and I have won $ 300 . And on this , I want to ask you for at least half of the amount because I do not want that chance had gone in the shuffle . I need you . I feel lonely one here in Russia . I want you to me at all here nicheg ONET holds ! I love you , I need you ! Today , coming home after work in my apartment was turned off the light . We were told that the work will be carried out to repair the world . I did not want to sit alone in the dark house , and I 'm afraid of the dark , I decided that today I 'm going to the gym . It is necessary to improve their figure . Prior to the gym I had to go 40 mine , I went on the bus , so as not to waste time . In the evening , there 's usually a lot of people and almost all trainers were busy , but I was lucky , and my treadmill is free . I run about 30 minutes , then I do squats and many other different exercises . Today was nasushennym and I shined his sport . Coming home after the gym I very much wanted to sleep , I think that soon I will go to sleep , and you spent your day like ? I love you and I always will . my heart and soul belongs to you . I 'm waiting for the day when I can give you my kiss and hug you tenderly . it will be the peerless day . because we will be together and find our love . I will always be next to you and no one will not give you . This is a very big tragedy affected so many people , as it could happen at all . And you 've seen it all with my own eyes ? As it was scary . Why so fast train ride ? It would expressway train ? How are you ? I hope all is well with you . I am very worried about you . I promise you that I will come , and that all our dreams will come true . Yes , I want to be with you , and I want to realize all our dreams into reality . But how to do it now . Sorry , I do not know . My dear Bob , today I was in a travel agency . I knew everything about my possible visit to you , and what documents I need . My dear , on the one hand I 'm really glad that everything was not as difficult as I thought . On the other hand I am very upset . Otherwise , my trip would have cost even more . Of course , I assumed that registration of all documents will be expensive . But when I found out how much expensive ! I was also shocked . I had $ 300 , and I think I have enough of the money to pay for the documents . I explained the reason why is so expensive . The price includes the total amount of medical insurance . I have to have medical insurance that costs $ 600 . I was told that the policy of health insurance is mandatory when traveling abroad . I was told that all the countries with whom the visa order of entrance is set requiring medical insurance for obtaining a visa . Visa policy is impossible without issuing health insurance . This means that I can not get a visa , if I do not give money for health insurance . I was told that the policy is issued to all citizens traveling in order to reduce the large financial expenses caused by a sudden illness or accident . These laws are tightened particularly because of the unrest in Ukraine . Therefore , the Russian government has to worry about its citizens who leave Russia . Then I calmed down a bit . Managers began to explain to me that when you travel abroad , the tourist can get sick , get injured . Many citizens of Ukraine are not provided medical care because they did not have health insurance policy . But if a tourist has health insurance policy for traveling abroad , he will receive quality medical care , and the insurance company will pay for these costs . My dear , I was pleased only one in my problem . When I arrive at your country , I can get back $ 600 in your airport customs . I 'll be with you and he will not need me . You 'll be able to take care of me ? I do not want , and I am ashamed to ask for help from you . But in this situation I myself really powerless . I understand that it is a shame for me . I do not want to lose a chance for us to meet . But there is nothing to do for our meeting , I now can not . I think we must now overcome all difficulties . Do you agree with me , my love ? My dear , I do not know who else to turn to me . My dear , I am ashamed and uncomfortable in front of you . But I ask you this question Bob . Can you help me with this sum ? My love , I know it 's wrong . But I hope you can understand me . Upon arrival to you I return you your money , because the customs I get back the money paid for health insurance . I am ashamed and I feel great inconvenience to you Bob . I 'm sorry if I offended you or brought pain . But I do not have bad intentions . I just want to meet you ! The negotiation item not work due to technical problems that I 'll try to call you shortly . My love , I 'm in pain and a huge disappointment I write you this letter . I am ashamed and so unpleasant to you . Please forgive me . I hope you can understand me . I 'm going home . And I do not know what more you want me now . Tomorrow will come soon . Or , conversely , did not come to . Waiting for your answer , my love Bob . Goodbye . I hope to see you soon . So quickly flew week that the long - awaited weekend , I 've been waiting for them . This weekend , I think to spend usefully . Tonight after work , I go in to the village to work in the garden . I 'll make the beds to plant potatoes , and various berries . But after the winter I need to do there cleaning . It seems to me takes me a long time . I still think to go to the lake and to look at the nature of how beautiful she looks now . I like it when it blooms and looks so . Why do not you answer me ? All the while I am waiting for your reply , but you did not answer me . You all right ? Maybe you have a problem , and why can not you answer me ? I do not even know what I think ? I do not want our relationship came to an end in such a strange manner . I do not want to lose such a good person like you as you are . I would like to continue our dialogue and to know each other better . If you wish to continue our dialogue , I ask you as soon as possible to answer me . I will be very glad to see your reply . I hope you understand me ? I look forward to your early reply . I woke up early in the morning and looked out the window and saw that the rain comes there again . I was sad again . We had to go to work , and I did not want to walk in the rain , so I went on the bus . I like more time to walk than take the bus is good for the body . But there was a problem was rain . When I was at work I phoned my friend Anna and called to him when I finish time to watch a movie . I have not seen my girlfriend Anna , I missed it . My working day ended quickly after that I went to visit my friend Anna . We watched the film talked , she always treated me to tea with cake . My evening was good in a wonderful setting . How did you spend your evening ? What was new for you ? I lost you somewhere you 're gone ? I 'm so worried about you and I experience . Are you okay ? You stopped writing me . I do not want to lose a man like you ! I really need you , I miss you . Well , if you do not want to talk to me you are so right to me and tell me . I look forward to your early reply . I hope I will not have to wait long time . We had this holiday , and he has called on May 9 . But we only celebrate and honor the memory of those soldiers who have just passed the Great Patriotic War . And you honor the memory of all the soldiers who fought you , too , it should be a great holiday . Already came the weekend how quickly flew this week . I was waiting for this weekend look . My morning started as usual , I was going to work . The working day for me today will be short , because today the weekend . After a day , I 'll go to the village to work in the garden . After all , I planted different vegetables and berries . You will need to follow them . I hope that they were all good , and they began to grow a little bit . This week has been quite rainy so I will not have to water them . This weekend promises little rain . I hope the fact that it will not . In general , I want to spend their weekends in the countryside . You have planned for the weekend to repair the house . it 's great , and what plans do you have for another weekend ? My dear , I miss you . I love you my darling ! I need you I want to hug you and kiss all day . When we are together . We are the happiest couple in the world I 'll wait for your letter Bob ! |
Chewing on pen caps . He was thin . Most girls thought him pretty . They didn 't tell him though . Wouldn 't even flirt with him . That 's why he took the job in the basement . He was good at archiving and finding things . The time he spent alone was a kind of diet . It kept him thin . It smelled though . In the basement . Disinfectant and dust . He didn 't mind the dust . He tried putting his feet up and leaning back . People did it in the movies after they bet on the right horse or solved the case . He didn 't like it much . His legs were too long . And his feet hung over the edge . It wasn 't bad though . Not entirely . He would try it for another minute because he had an open mind . And he liked the movies . He read the paper in the mornings with a glass of orange juice and a single slice of toast . Buttered and jellied . The editor must have been sick . Of the paper . There were more mistakes than usual . He felt comfortable with his red pen . The cap was well chewed . He liked the pressure of it on the newsprint . Of course he was very careful when circling errors never to touch the font . He pulled the paper from his top right drawer . 32 mistakes . He had been offered the job . As editor . Of the New Hamilton Daily last year . He politely declined on account of the owner 's daughter who had refused his offer of marriage the previous summer . He was fun for walks and picnics and their conversations always left her thinking but their romance always stopped just short of kissing . She told him so on more than one occasion . That she couldn 't bring herself to kiss him . His lips looked so delicate she feared she might break them if she pressed too hard . She was engaged the following Saturday . He had forgotten the name of the man . The wedding was in three weeks . He thought . He might go . He put the paper back in the drawer . Closed and locked it . There was no point in locking it . But he liked turning the key . And keeping it in his pocket . His legs were a little sore behind the ankles . Because of the desk . He rubbed them and tried to stretch . Like an old war wound he thought . About his father and the shrapnel in his right leg that made him limp . Every year around November . He bought a new cane . He had at least forty . They were all wooden . Some had metal handles . His favorite . Was in the shape of a horse 's head . Silver . With hollowed out eyes where marbles use to be . He put his fingers in the sockets and rubbed for luck . His uncle had the cane now since his father . Was in a wheelchair . He turned off the lights and locked the door with another key . He had three . Each on a different key ring . In case someone needed to borrow one . He rubbed the dust from the name plaque to the left of the door . Lemon Anderson . The name had no real significance . His mother liked lemons . She said that was all she wanted to eat during the pregnancy and that if an unborn life craved them so badly his name might as well match his inclination . It was hard to believe he ever loved lemons . He couldn 't remember eating one or asking to eat one , but she assured him that when her lips puckered sour her belly stopped kicking . He couldn 't really argue . His time as a fetus was hazy at best . In any case , he didn 't care much for them now . It was cold out . And dark . He didn 't have far to walk . A few blocks and three flights of stairs . It was an apartment he shared . With a goldfish and a very nice throw rug . His mother had sent him the rug three Christmas ' past . It was big . He had to slide one side under itself so it would fit . In the living room . He thought about cutting it but decided it would be better to find a bigger apartment . That 's why he was leaving work so late . A few extra hours everyday and tutoring on the weekends . It would be worth it . There was a message on the phone . He set his jacket down . Closed the door . Locked it twice . Took the fish food from the cabinet next to the tank . Tapped it three times into his left hand . Sprinkled it on the surface of the water . Watched the fish bob and nibble . The fish didn 't have a name . Lemon had a name picked out for the fish , but he never said it out loud . A missionary had stopped at his door one day with a bible and a very nice tie . The missionary said there was a man named Jesus who loved the world and died for it , he said that people had something called a soul and that every soul longed for God and that God created every soul and that 's why we all longed so badly for him and that sometimes people confused that longing with other things like drugs and sexual intercourse and television he said that only people had souls and that 's what made them different from animals he said that 's why people get to go to heaven but dogs and cats and little field mice never have the chance . The next day the missionary returned . Instead of a bible he had a little plastic bag filled with water and a goldfish . He gave the bag to Lemon and said it was God 's Will that he take care of it . He said Lemon should watch the fish everyday to see how it eats and lives and dies he said to watch close because that was how life was without a soul and people were different , people had souls . The missionary didn 't come back a third day . Lemon had a name picked out for the goldfish . He never said it out loud . Since it didn 't have a soul . He didn 't want to offend God . Lemon took a bag of multigrain honey wheat bread from the top of the refrigerator . Opened it . Pulled from it one slice of multigrain honey wheat bread . Closed it . Placed the bag back on top of the refrigerator . He took a jar of peanut butter from the cupboard and a knife from the right drawer . Placed them both on the counter . He opened the jar and dabbed the knife in three times . He spread the peanut butter on the bread starting at the top left corner , working Chapter 2 She looked good in the wedding . Dress . Lemon thought . She looked happy . He could see the bare skin of her shoulders . Her ankles . Her shins . He remembered fitting his whole hand around her ankle his ring finger and thumb touching in winter weather sitting on the floor in front of the couch her sitting behind him with her legs over his shoulders he would wrap his fingers around her ankle and move up her calf until his fingertips couldn 't touch . He would return to her ankle . And do it again . He fell asleep once on the floor between her legs she told him he fell asleep with one hand around her leg and the other on the dog he looked happy she said he was smiling . For the wedding he found a tie . It was his brother 's tie and blue . His brother had left it a year ago Thanksgiving after she spilled a glass of wine on it . It was a nice tie . Lemon liked the red splotches . It looked like something a psychologist would show a patient . It was his only tie . This was the first wedding he had ever attended . He was sitting in the third row next to her older brother , Gabe . He was smiling . Every few minutes he would remind Lemon that he was happy . For his sister . His whispers smelled like sweet onions . He ate them in the mornings before jogging . It kept him quiet the rest of the day . Usually . The two met on Sunday mornings to watch tadpoles in Dry Creek . Twenty - eight summers earlier they captured tadpoles in glass cups stolen from Lemon 's mother . Barefoot . Socks rolled up in the pockets . Shoelaces tied and thrown over the shoulder . Scooping and wading with ankles from one shore to the other . Lemon first met Epiphany then . She was climbing a pear tree in her blue Sunday dress and black shiny hard - bottomed shoes . He didn 't notice . At first . He didn 't notice that she was naked . Under her dress . He was chasing a tadpole . The largest he had seen that day . Then he was under the tree . Looking up he saw the white insides of her legs . The little slit . He never . He wanted to . With her . He thought . About her . How he wanted to . Love her . He thought he loved her . She was wearing a white dress for the wedding and shiny white hard - bottomed shoes . She looked nice . He thought . He thought she looked nice . And The preacher said , " You may kiss the bride . " The groom took her at the small of the back . Pulled her close . With his tongue . Opened her mouth and kissed her . Then , by the hand , led her up the aisle to the lobby . It was a plate of fruit and thinly cut sandwiches for the reception . Lemon held his paper plate with both hands . His name card was near the head table with Gabe . He set his plate down with the fruit facing his chair . He placed the napkin to the right . The plastic fork on top of it . He nodded at each guest sitting at the table . He walked back to the fruit buffet . He took a plastic cup . Took the ladle from the punch bowl . He set the - He turned . Epiphany . Her hair pulled up . Diamond earrings . White dress . Smiling with lipstick . " Your dad , I heard he was in a wheel chair now . I 'm really sorry . " " Well , I 'm glad you made it . I didn 't think you would , but you did , and I 'm glad you 're here . You know I 've missed you . All of the sudden we just stopped talking and I missed you . Come on let 's dance for old time 's sake . " She moved her hands to his waist and up his back leaning her head into his neck . Her eyes were closed . Her right earring was buried in his neck . It hurt a little . He put down the ladle . He put his hands on her shoulders . His tennis shoes were rubbing the sides of her white hard - bottomed shoes . " It was a nice wedding . " She squeezed her breasts into him , her hands against his back . The pressure . And release . Then nothing . Her arms sliding out from under his . Her look . Awake . " It was good to see you . " She said stepping back . Turning . And walking away . He stood watching her , waiting for the song to end . He turned . Took the plastic cup from the left side of the table . Took the ladle from the punch bowl . Set the plastic cup on the right side of the table . Poured the contents of the ladle into the cup . Put the ladle in the punch bowl . Picked up the plastic cup . Walked to his seat . He set the cup down next to the top right corner of the plate . Pulled out his chair . Sat down . Slid in the chair . He nodded at each guest sitting at the table . The files were stacked in alphabetical order starting with M . He ran a white rag across the box top . Shook the rag over the garbage can . Slid the cardboard box top off . He liked sliding the cardboard box top off . He set the top on the floor . The paper aged manila . He ran his right index finger across the ruffled pages . He had a list of 250 names . Each name had a high risk of identity fraud . The secretary to the Treasury of the City Council had asked him personally to review the names . The secretary , she said New Hamilton had been forced to temporarily close two retirement homes , she said , on account of people stealing the identities of the deceased . It was an epidemic , she said , people stealing other people 's names . There was no place for it in a town like New Hamilton . She said , they caught two , a husband and wife who had made it across state lines , she said , the police stopped them and threw the book at them . The city couldn 't be sure though , she said , if they had caught them all . She gave him 250 names worth looking at . And she wanted an annotated list by the end of the week . He had to check the billing address , date of birth , social security number , and verify with the closest of kin . He had the city coroner 's phone number . Memorized . And three funeral homes on speed dial . " Hello " he would say , " My name is Lemon Anderson . I 'm working for the city . I 'd like to verify that so - and - so is a resident and currently alive . " He would say it again with the telephone pressed to his ear and mouth . Then he would call . He thought about his father 's brother who had been married once before and kept the ashes of his wife in a jar behind a box in the closet . She had died 20 years earlier during childbirth . He never told his daughter . That he had her mother 's ashes in a jar behind a box in the closet . He said when she was old enough he would give it to her . Lemon set the list on the desk . He remembered once , when he was young , about five , there was a girl that lived in the house behind his . She was three The chairs were uncomfortable . Very uncomfortable . They had gotten new chairs . Someone had ordered them from a catalogue . He was sure they had ordered them from a catalogue . They were very uncomfortable chairs . He crossed his legs and leaned to the right . He leaned to the left and uncrossed his legs . And . There were plants in each corner . Fake potted plants . He was sure they had ordered them from the same catalogue . " Please Lemon . " " He 'd pay you more . I 'd see to it , that he pays you more . And you could hire who you wanted . And you 'd have the final say about what gets printed . You 'd have the New Hamilton Daily all to yourself . Really you would . And did you see the wall by the door ? I told them not to put a name plaque up until it was yours . " " It 's not about - " Gabe looked at his wrist . The opposite wall . Shuffled through the drawers of his desk . " Do you have a clock ? What time is it ? " " Christ . " Gabe took a handful of papers and left the room . " Well , come on , " he said half way down the hall . Lemon followed . They were driving . " He 'll like it . I 'll be late and he 'll like it . He 'll have just the thing to say . You know . Of course you know . It 's lunch we 're going to by the way . Epi will be there and her husband . I hope you don 't mind . I would have said something earlier but I forgot . Plus you probably wouldn 't have gone otherwise , right ? It 's probably better that I didn 't tell you . It shouldn 't be too bad . We 'll be eating most of the time anyway so you won 't need to talk , that is , if you don 't want to talk . You can if you want . I 'm not saying you shouldn 't . I 'm just saying you don 't have to if you don 't want to . I don 't think Epi will mind . Not that she has a right to . I 'm sure she 'll have plenty to say . They just got back from the honeymoon . Two days early . You think that means trouble in paradise ? I can only hope so . The bastard didn 't even make me an usher at the wedding . I 'm the bride 's only brother and I had nothing to do with the wedding . How 's that for a warm family welcome . He 's a prick anyway . And stupid . You know . Of course you know . I 'm sure you feel the same way . You probably can 't stand him . It shouldn 't be too bad though . We 'll be eating most of the time anyway . " " We 've never met . " " You and Alex ? Really ? I can 't believe , well , I guess you did leave early . You missed his big speech . His best man didn 't have a single sentence prepared for the toast . You would have liked it . He got up , the best man I mean , and started stuttering and rambling . I mean really rambling . And as he 's giving his toast , he keeps taking little sips out of his glass and so when he gets to the end of his speech there 's not a single drop left . No , I know . It gets worse . What do you think he did ? You 'll like this . He just tilts his head back with the cup just like it was full and takes a drink of nothing . And the best part , you 'd like this , after he sits down , the guests finally figure out the toast is over and realize they missed the cue to raise their glasses . It was something alright . The best part of the wedding in my opinion . You 'll get to meet him today , Alex , I mean . Don 't worry though . You won 't have to talk . We 'll be eating most of the time . " " I really shouldn 't . I didn 't think this was , I , I thought this " " I already told you not to worry . No one cares if you come along . If anything they 'll be glad to catch up . Epi won 't mind . She 'll be glad to see you . I 'm sure she 'll be glad to see you . And we can still talk about the paper . Even better , we can talk to my dad directly and work out a deal for you to come back and be editor . " The car stopped . They got out . Walked to a country club overlooking a golf course . Six other cars were in the parking lot . They entered . Gabe walked past the hostess to a table in the far right corner where his father was waiting with Epi and Alex . Epi was looking at the table . Her hands were on her lap . Mr . Winesburg was combing his mustache with his fingertips . Alex had his elbows on the table and was staring at Mr . Winesburg . " Of course , I expect you would . Here , just look at today 's paper . " He unruffled the paper and flipped it open . " A mother , 61 , shoots her own son , 42 , in the chest as he bangs violently at the door . The police say self - defense . Or here . Brothers die after jumping off bridge . One , 19 , jumps from a bridge into a Borland County reservoir and the other , 21 , jumps in after him . Borland County Coroner said authorities found the boys ' bodies seven hours later . He said the boys were there with their father and friends at Ashby National Forest for three days of fishing . " " They should have asked the mother if she wanted to keep the gun , the . 38 . And the father , they should have asked him if his sons owned their own fishing poles . " Lemon was standing next to the table . Mr . Winesburg smiled . " Good to see you Lemon . Go on , take a seat and order something . " Lemon took a chair from another table and set it at the corner between Mr . Winesburg and Gabe . He sat down . He slid in the chair . He looked at the surface of the table . Epi looked up . " No more of this kind of talk at the table . We 'll be eating soon and I 'd like to keep my appetite . " " Of course , darling . We wouldn 't want to put you out . " Alex was looking at Lemon as he said it , handing him a menu . Epi looked at the surface of the table . Gabe leaned over , " What did I tell you , trouble in paradise . " " So I hear you 're looking to be editor . " Alex said . " That 's good . Someone can finally put Gabe out of his misery . " " I 'm perfectly content , thanks for asking . And , if you 're at all interested , the paper happens to be making a nice profit . " Gabe nodded at Lemon . " Hopefully , we 'll be making more than a profit once Lemon comes back . " " But , " Epi said , " I thought you always wanted to be an editor ? Didn 't you tell me you wanted to be an editor ? " " Of course he 's going to be the editor , darling . How could he not ? " " You 're a storage clerk . That 's hardly a job . " Mr . Winesburg looked at Lemon then to Gabriel . " Alright then , the subject is closed . It 's obvious the boy 's got his mind made up . When he reconsiders he knows where to find me . " He turned to Epiphany . " So , how was the honeymoon ? " " It was very sunny . I 've got some photos . " Epi opened her purse and pulled out a small envelope . " We did all sorts of things . Scuba diving was the most fun I think . Alex would disagree , but I liked it the most . " " The reef was beautiful . And enormous . I wanted to see some sea turtles , but it wasn 't the right season I guess . That 's what the guide said anyway . " " The guide was an idiot . Some kid who spent a summer watching the Discovery Channel . If we had gone out a little further we might have seen something really interesting , like a shark or a sting ray or something with teeth . Now that would have been exciting , right Lemon . " " See I knew it . When I looked at you , I could tell you were the kind of person who liked to take risks . I could tell . I 've got a great sense for these kinds of things . " " So , " Gabe said , " what about those photos ? " Epiphany opened the envelope and handed him the photos . He took half of them and handed them to Mr . Winesburg . " We were trying to get as many photos as we could of us together . The timer was a little tricky . " " It was incredible . That was on the third day . We spent the night sitting on the beach . The hotel was just right there , practically on the shore . We laid in a hammock and watched the waves crash . We were out there until almost midnight . " Gabe gave Lemon a half wink . " So why 'd you come home early ? " " Well , " Alex said , " It was , well , you see , we traded in our tickets for an earlier flight , so , we , could save money . We explored everything we wanted to explore so we just , we just decided it was time to come home . " " You should put a slideshow together , " Mr . Winesburg said , " for the anniversary party your mother and I are having in a few weeks . Everyone would like that . I know your mother would . " Lemon slid out his chair . Stood up . Slid in his chair . Walked to the bathroom . He went to the faucet . Turned on the faucet . Set it to hot . Got soap from the dispenser . Rubbed his hands together . Between his fingers . His palms . The wrists . Around the wrists and the back of the hands . He moved his hands under the water and rubbed his hands together . Between his fingers . His palms . The wrists . Around the wrists and the back of the hands . He pulled three paper towels from the rack . Dried his hands . Used a paper towel to open the door . Walked to the table . Slid out his chair . Sat down . Slid in his chair . " You just missed the waitress , " Gabe said , " I hope you don 't mind that we ordered for you . " Lemon looked up from the table and shook his head . Chapter 5 He took fish food from the cabinet next to the tank . Tapped it three times into his left hand . Sprinkled it on the surface of the water . Watched the fish bob and nibble . He pulled a chair from the table . Sat down and watched . The goldfish would take a bite . Swallow . Take another . Spit it out . Chew a smaller piece . Take another . Spit it out into a smaller piece . Take another . Lemon liked watching the goldfish . He liked counting the flakes that floated to the bottom . He won a goldfish once . When he was little . At a carnival . By throwing a dime into a glass soda bottle . He couldn 't remember what happened to the goldfish . He couldn 't remember bringing it home . He thought he remembered his dad eating it . With his mouth open . The goldfish pinched between his finger and thumb . Dropping it so the tail flapped against his lips . And how he swallowed without chewing . Then emptied the plastic bag of water in the grass . Lemon didn 't like to think about it . The story didn 't make sense . People didn 't eat goldfish , especially the kind won at carnivals . Lemon stood up . Pushed the chair back under the table . Walked to the closet . Pulled out a shoebox . Walked to the couch . Sat down . Opened the shoebox . Took out a pair of running shoes . He loosened the laces . First the right . Then the - A knock - knock at the door . He loosened the laces of the left shoe . Another knock - knock at the door . He set the shoes back in the shoebox . He stood up . He walked to the door . He opened it . " Natalie ? " " Hey Lemon . I was in the neighborhood , and I thought I 'd stop by and give you this . " She opened her purse . Pulled out lipstick . Sunglasses . Three pens . A calculator . Set them on the table . Unzipped another pocket . " It 's here don 't worry . " She took out a wallet . Cell phone . Chap stick . Finally an envelope . She gave it to him . " It 's an invitation to my mom and dad 's anniversary party . They 're really going all out this year . I was surprised you wanted to go . I just kind of figured after everything , well , you know . I just , I thought we had seen the last of you . " She scrunched her eyes and put her left hand on her forehead . " Oh , wait , wait . That came out wrong . I just , I thought , after my sister , you know , with Alex and the wedding and everything , I thought you weren 't going to have anything to do with us , that 's , that 's what I meant . " Lemon walked to the couch . Sat down . Opened the shoebox . Took out the running shoes . Put on the right shoe . Then the left . He adjusted the laces and tied them with a double knot . " You know , " Natalie said , " I always liked reading your articles . I never got a chance to tell you that . The paper 's just not the same without you . " Lemon stood up . Natalie got wide eyed . " Now , now I 'm not saying you should go back . That 's not what I 'm saying at all . When I was in college dad would send me the paper every week . He always had your articles circled in red . And they were always worth reading . I just , I heard you weren 't writing anymore , that 's all and , and " Lemon was standing next to her . " It 's nine o ' clock . " He started stretching the hamstring of his right leg . " I go jogging at nine o ' clock . " " Oh , I should probably go then , " She walked to the table and started putting things back in her purse . She stopped . Took a deep breath . Stepped out of her high heels . Turned to face Lemon . " Do you have another pair of running shoes ? " He pointed to the closet . " The pink shoebox . They 're Epi 's . They should fit . " " Alright , " she said , " let me just change out of this skirt . " " Bottom left drawer in the bedroom . " Natalie walked to the bedroom and closed the door . She slid down her skirt and unbuttoned her blouse . Threw both on the bed . She opened the bottom left dresser drawer . It was full of Epi 's clothes . She opened the drawer above it and the one above that . Half of the dresser was full of her clothes . Natalie slid the top drawers shut . She took a pair of track shorts and a white tank top from the bottom drawer . She slid the track shorts up . She pulled the tank top down over her head . It was a little tight around her chest . She checked herself out in the mirror . Adjusted the back of her shorts . " It 's 9 : 07 . We 're late now . " She smiled . " I 'm almost done . " She took time to fix her hair . She noticed a reflection of the two nightstands in the mirror . The one to the right of the bed had a pair of reading glasses . Lemon 's reading glasses . To the left there was a book . Natalie turned and walked to the left nightstand . It must have been her sister 's . She picked up the book . There was a thin layer of dust on the cover and a bookmark two - thirds of the way through . She set the book down and wiped the dust from her fingers on the track shorts . Lemon knocked at the door . " Hurry up . " " No , I have " Her thighs walked into view . Her pink running shorts . With her hands on her hips . Her coy grin . He pointed at his wristwatch . " We 'd better get going then . " She said , waiting for him to turn . She pushed him down the hall and out the door . He locked the door . They walked down the stairs and stretched their calves and thighs in the parking lot . " I 'm not slowing down for - " " Is that all ? " She grinned and looked back at him . " You see this , " she stuck her butt out and pointed to the text written across the back of her short track shorts . " You 're going to be reading this all night . " She continued to stretch . " Oh wait . " She scrunched her eyes and put her left hand on her forehead . " Wait , wait , that 's not . I didn 't mean . " She sighed and looked at him . " I 'm going to run faster than you . " " Hey , " she yelled , " That was a false start . Cheater . " She ran after him , taking long full strides , breathing easy , her hands light and relaxed . She was in a sprint beside him . " Sneaky moves , " she took a breath " not keep you , " another breath " in lead , " another breath " cheater . " " Back , " he took a breath , " 9 : 40 , " another breath , " go faster . " He doubled his stride . And his speed . He was breathing harder . She doubled her stride and kept pace . He looked at his watch every few minutes . He was sweating . She was sweating . Both out of breath . Breathing hard . And harder . She wiped sweat from her right eye then flicked it at him . He didn 't seem to notice . He was running . They were reaching the other side of the park . She could see the apartment . He was looking at his watch . And running . A little faster . She was breathing hard . Through her mouth . Out of breath . Breathing . And pushing her arms up . And down . Her legs up . And down . The final stretch of asphalt . The parking lot . She was running . He was running . So close . To the street . And the parking lot . Almost . And . They slowed . To a walk . His arms on his head . Her right hand pinching her side . Walking through the parking lot to the stairs . Sweat covering his chest and back . Sweat covering her chest and back . Up the stairs . Her one step ahead of him . To the third story . " Ha . " She said , turning to face him with her hands on her hips . " I told you I 'd win . Now , " she said , " I demand a hot shower and something cold to drink . " He walked to his apartment . Unlocked the door . Opened it . She followed him in . He took a glass from the cupboard . Filled it with crushed ice and cold water . Gave it to her . She drank it all and set the cup on the counter . He took another glass from the cupboard . Filled it with crushed ice and cold water . She walked to the bathroom . Closed the door . Slid off the track shorts . The tank top . Unbuckled her bra . Tossed it on the floor . Slid down her panties . Turned on the shower . Set it to moderately hot . Forced her shoes off without loosening the laces . Stepped into the bathtub . There were two bottles of shampoo in the front left corner . One was a quarter full and had a picture of lilacs on the front . It looked like Epi 's brand . Natalie poured some in her hand and rubbed it on her hair . She scrubbed and rin " I have to wait for the hot water . " " It 's okay . " He loosened the laces of his right shoe . Then his left . He took the shoes off . Put them in the shoebox . He stood up . Walked to the closet . Put the shoebox on the floor under his winter jackets . Walked to the bathroom . Picked up the track shorts . The tank top . The bra . Her panties . The running shoes . He walked to the bedroom . Put the shoes in the pink shoebox . He shut the second dresser drawer on the right . He walked out of the bedroom to the hall closet . Set the pink shoebox on top of the other shoebox . He closed the closet door . Walked to the next door on the right . Opened it . Put Natalie 's clothes in the washing machine . Put in detergent . Set it to wash . He walked to the couch . He sat down next to Natalie . " You know I could have done all that . " She said , searching the seat cushions for the TV remote . She pulled up the left couch cushion . " There 's a show Epi and I used to watch that comes on in a few minutes . I was going to , " she put the left couch cushion back and rifled through the magazines on the table next to the couch . " If I could just find the remote . " Lemon stood up . Walked to the television . Took the remote from the top of the television . Walked back to the couch . Sat down . He handed Natalie the remote . " Oh . That 's a strange place to keep it . " She turned the TV on . " I remember this was Epi 's favorite show . She had to watch it every week and she couldn 't miss an episode . She was such a little kid . She practically threw a fit if she missed it . I don 't know if she watches it anymore . She probably has a , " Natalie looked over at Lemon . She scrunched her eyes and put her left hand on her forehead . " Geeze , what am I thinking . You know Epi is , she 's not , and I 'm , well , I 'm not going to talk about her . I 'm sure the last thing you want is to talk about her . It was probably a rerun anyway , the show I mean , it was probably a rerun . " She turned the TV off and set the remote on the coffee table . She stretched her arms up and back . " You know , I could fall asleep I 'm so tired . I haven 't run like that for awhile . " She yawned , then remembered to cover her mouth . " You don 't mind if I crash here tonight , do you ? " He stood up . Walked to the closet . Took out a pillow and a blanket . Walked back . Set them on the coffee table . And sat down on the couch next to Natalie . " You can have the couch or the bed . " " Oh , no , no . The couch is fine . More than enough room for me . " She took the pillow from the coffee table . Put it against the left armrest of the couch . Laid back and stretched her legs out on Lemon 's lap . " You may not remember , " she said , " This would have been awhile ago . You were talking with my dad . It was at our house . It was about an article you wrote . He said it didn 't matter how true it was or how important it was , he wouldn 't publish it , not in his paper , not ever . He was yelling kind of loud and the whole family could hear him . Then , and I 'll never forget what you said , " she tried to keep a serious face " you said , but I 've never written a single word of truth in my entire life . " She burst into laughter . " You said it so calmly . I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack . I don 't think anyone has ever , with him , I mean , that was the first and only time I 've ever seen him speechless . And no matter what he may say , that was the moment I wanted to be a journalist . " She wiped the water from the sides of her eyes . " I think you 're the only person who could ever get away with something like that . " She smiled at him . " Your articles haven 't been in the paper ? " " What ? Oh , my articles , well , dad wanted me to do some training first . Just to get a sense of what it takes to write for the paper . He said by the end of the year I 'd get a chance at having my own column . He said it wasn 't a guarantee . But all I need is a chance . " She yawned again and crossed her legs . " My articles are good . Maybe not as good as yours , but they 're good . They 're worth reading . " She turned onto her left side and laid her head into the pillow , under her arm . Her eyes closed . She was breathing softly . He reached for the blanket on the coffee table . Her legs were still on his lap . He opened the blanket and laid it over her feet and legs , pulled it up over her chest , carefully , he reached for the light , turned it off and tried to go to sleep , leaning his head back , between the couch and the wall , then to the right , slow , not to wake her . He didn 't want to wake her . She looked comfortable he thought . About the first sentence he learned . And how the teacher wrote it on the chalkboard . Weliveinabluehousewithwindows . She asked him to write it properly . She gave him a piece of paper . And a pencil . She told him to write it properly . He didn 't really . He wasn 't . She told him . He . He counted the letters . |
This is my journey . It is full of twists and turns , ups and downs . It is worth it for the lasting change it brings . I hope my journey will help others find their own path . I 'm still battling the crud here , but it isn 't as bad as yesterday . I really slammed the water and vitamin C yesterday . I 'm sure that didn 't hurt and maybe it helped . I 'm doing the same thing today . The crud has taken my appetite away . I 'm going with it . I am trying to really pay attention to my body and give it what it needs . As a result , I have slipped to a new low weight ! I got to my pre - op weight several days ago . I didn 't mention it because my body has this uncanny ability to know when I announce reaching a milestone and the very next day , I have a bounce up ! I am taking a major risk sharing this now . Just like Tuesday , when I announced 2016 was the year of health , I started getting sick ! ! Yesterday , I slogged through the day hardly doing my workout I had just outlined . Maybe there is another lesson here . Maybe I 'm learning that this is how life works . Just like my recovery wasn 't a straight line from surgery to well , but had lots of ups & downs along the way , so is everything in life . Nobody told me to suck it up and push through when I was tired and wanted to rest after surgery . I was never told I needed to have more willpower or that I needed to make better choices . Not once ! Nope , everyone around me was kind and gentle . I was determined to do my best with therapy but even then , there were times when it just wasn 't happening . That was OK with me and those around me . We just tried again later . I need to apply those same principles to other areas of my life , namely weight loss . Odds are , my weight will go up again . I can 't freak out . I need to be gentle with myself and move on to the next meal / workout and do my best . I think I can do that . Yesterday , my post was full of vim and vigor . I was ready to conquer the world . I took some time to really think about goals for 2016 and how my days would have to look to accomplish those goals . I wrote it down in a very different manner than has been my norm . I listed that each day I would accomplish certain things , but not at 8 : 00 am to this and on to the next thing . This time , I left all of that out . To me , that feels like a great accomplishment . I did a similar thing with milestones . Much like I mentioned in yesterday 's post , I will add more Wii as therapy decreases . As I grow stronger the work out will grow more intense , but other than 30 days minimum of therapy , there is no date listed . Nothing that says my goal is to bellydance by June 1 . Bellydancing is there , but the goal is when I am strong enough . I feel good about this new way of goal setting . It feels much more doable since there is plenty of room for grace . BUT , as great as I felt yesterday , I feel rotten today . As we were eating last night , I began to feel achy and tired . I took some Tylenol . Still , by bedtime , I knew it was coming . I woke up in the night with full on crud . ( TMI - my sinuses were draining so , I thought my nose was bleeding ! ) Yesterday , my biggest irritation was not being able to load the cake pictures . Today , it is having to stop every three minutes to cough up a lung ! BTW , I haven 't given up on posting the pictures . I just don 't feel like messing with it now . I will share a funny story instead . Yesterday , as I was working on the aforementioned goals / plan for 2016 , I decided to take a little break and scroll through facebook . I have a friend that always ends her status updates with the scripture reference Proverbs 31 : 25 . That references the chapter about the virtuous woman . I couldn 't remember specifically that verse , so I went to biblegateway . com to quickly look it up . I accidentally put in Proverbs 13 : 25 . Look them up in NIV and then laugh in the comments . Sweet Freedom ! ! Last week I was released from outpatient therapy and started driving . It is amazing how much better I feel now . It is because I am free from the idea that I am recovering . Although I am not 100 % recovered ; I am 90 % to 95 % there . I can do just about anything I want to now . That last 5 % to 10 % will be slow and probably unnoticeable . One day , I 'll just realize that I 'm fully back . I have little bits of recognition now and then of how it will be . I 'll stand up and realize that I didn 't push off from anything . Or , I 'll carry something like the laundry basket through the house without concern . On the other hand , sometimes I realize that I 'm swinging my body to walk rather than my leg or I 'll get too tired too fast . In time , I won 't even realize that I 've carried the laundry basket , and I 'll walk by swinging my hip and never give it a thought . For now , I have my exercises to do at home . I am do to them every day for a month and then every other day for as long as I feel like I need to . I am supplementing that with the Wii . ( my golf game is better now that I 'm swinging my hips but baseball is not going so well ? ? ? ) As I continue to recover , and the therapy exercises wane , I 'll add more Wii . I 'll move on to Walk Away the Pounds and my long awaited belly dancing ! All of that can be done indoors so I don 't have to be worried about bad weather . When spring arrives , I should be ready to walk outside . 65MD and I are also discussing buying a treadmill or exercise bike . We won 't until the floors are finished . I 'm getting back into the groove with drinking water and eating as well . I 'm on target to hit it hard January 1 . I am declaring 2016 the year of good health for me ! And since I know everyone wants to know about my niece 's birthday party and the bouncy house . . . it did not work out so well . It was lower than I felt comfortable crawling in to , because I wasn 't sure how to get out . . There was an edge outside of the netting . I decided to sit on it and bounce . ( I was cleared by my therapist to sit so I wasn 't cheating ! ) I sank much further than anticipated . The weight limit was 250 lbs so that wasn 't the issue . The age limit was 8 as my nephew pointed out . So I 'm going with that rather than my hips as to why I could not get back up . I was getting worried that someone would have to pry me up with a crow bar ! I got up with much rocking to get some momentum and 65MD risking rupturing his hernia completely by pulling with all his might ! Anyway , the party was delightful . My niece had an absolute blast . All she wanted to do was jump . She had to be coaxed into opening her gifts . She loved the Elsa / Anna cake , but only ate a bite or two because she wanted to jump ! It turned out so well , 65MD was afraid she 'd cry when it was cut , but she didn 't . I tried to attach a few shots , but I can 't get my iPod to cooperate . I 'll keep working on it . Since my last post I 've been up and down the roller coaster a few times . I want to share a couple of humorous ones and one that is a little more serious . First the Wii : I 've been getting back on the Wii . I 've made it three days in row now . I 'm not really trying to set any records , or workout for a specific time , or get my heart in the target range . I am just trying to establish the habit of getting some sort of workout done each day . That may sound strange knowing that I have gotten a good workout in therapy since surgery . Somehow , in my mind , therapy = sick . Healthy people don 't have to go to therapy - at least not to me . So , back to the Wii and then on to something a little more challenging at the first of the year . The roller coaster part ? The first day I got on the Wii and did the body test , my center of balance was almost exactly 50 / 50 . It was something like 49 . 5 / 50 . 5 . I , obviously , took note of that . The surgery did its job . I was no longer listing to the right ! As I said , this really wasn 't upsetting . I 've had two very good days in a row . Last night was a little hard and my left thigh is bothering me a bit . It is part of recovery and will just happen sometimes . Then the Scales : So , we all know about this one ! ! I am so very close to getting to my pre - op weight , less than I pound . I 've been mentally rehearsing that blog post for a few days now . Everyday , I wake up and think this is the day . Yesterday , my weight shot up over a pound . Today , I 'm about half a pound away . Again , I shrug that off . I 'm not consistent yet with my eating or water intake . I don 't expect much . BUT , 65MD decided on Monday that he wanted to lose 10 pounds . He weighed last night and has lost 5 ! I accused him of putting his hand on the wall or something ! Nope . Five pounds gone ! It is just not fair . Finally 65MD : As much as I wanted to be mad at 65MD , I couldn 't . He can 't help it that men lose faster than women . Besides , without him , there is no telling where I 'd be right now . Not just related to recovering from hip replacement but all of life , quite frankly . It is the reason he felt compelled to lost weight . He has an umbilical hernia . He 's had it since I 've known him . Until a few weeks ago , it was quite small . His doctor told him at his annual exam , in the fall , that it was probably time to go ahead and schedule something . He didn 't . My hip collapsed . I got surgery and he 's still waiting . ( Actually , he is actively trying to schedule it for the break between semesters . ) This is much more distressing for me . The hernia has gotten larger . It is clear to see . He insists that it has nothing to do with practically lugging me around for the past 6 weeks . I don 't agree . Plus , if that thing were to become strangulated , we 'll be facing emergency surgery rather than scheduled surgery . So , in our household , there isn 't much going on . I 've halted the flooring . Those boxes of tiles are heavy . We 'll not get out the massive amount of Christmas decorations this year . He certainly isn 't carrying the tree up from the basement . ( I might get my nephew to do that . I 'm not a total Scrooge ! ) The first two , don 't bother me at all . They are just examples of the ups and downs of everyday life . The third is too , but it is much harder for me to take . I want off that part of the roller coaster ride , please . I love a good roller coaster . In fact , give me a thrill ride any time . At an amusement park , I 'm always up for the fastest , scariest ride in the park . This comes as no surprise , I 'm sure , to those who know me in real life , and those readers who have been with me from the beginning , since skydiving was the reason I lost weight to begin with . A few years ago , 65MD and I bought wristbands allowing us unlimited rides when the fair came to down . I left him in the dust after about the second or third ride . He got an upset stomach from one and had to sit down . I , on the other hand , would go ride something and then go check on him ! I 'd do it again , except for the part about 65MD getting nauseated from the rides . My niece is turning 3 in a few weeks and she 's getting a bouncy house at her party . I am determined to bounce in it ! Her mother is dubious as is my therapist . So , my therapy is now working on balance and stability . At this point , I can get in the house and lay down if no one else in there ! I have three more sessions to work up to standing and then actually jumping . The fear , of course , is falling and hurting someone or damaging fragile , hardly healed tissues . I don 't want that at all , so I will be smart when the time comes . As much as I enjoy the excitement of roller coaster rides , it is only those in the park I enjoy . I do NOT like the roller coaster rides life doles out . Right now I 'm on a recovery roller coaster . Monday , was a great day . It was a real glimpse of what life could be like in a few months . I wasn 't 100 % pain free , but I felt good . I felt like I could do whatever I wanted . I knew the feeling wouldn 't last , and tried to pace myself and temper my feelings . It was / is hard to do . When I finally felt good , I wanted to conquer the world . Part of me wanted to strike while the iron was hot because I knew the feeling wouldn 't last . The other part wanted to preserve the good feeling by taking it a little more slowly . I don 't think either side ' won ' the battle . Tuesday came and I felt bad again . I had pain in the incision site , my muscles were sore like I 'd done some crazy workout routine ( I 'd had therapy ) , my stomach was upset ( side effect from medicine ) and I was freezing ! It was made all the worse by the day I 'd had on Monday . I knew what it felt like to feel good and knew it was within my grasp , just not then . It is frustrating to say the least . Today , is shaping up to be more like Monday . My incision hurts but at a low level . I can take this pain . It is nothing like what I 've been through and I know it is temporary . It is a wound that is going to take time to heal . As I was going to sleep last night , I started thinking about how all of life is like a roller coaster ride . There are peaks and valleys . Sometimes , the valleys are deep and last longer than we want and the peaks can be all to fleeting . This is true in weight loss , relationships , work and everything else . It is life . I , for one , have got to figure out a way to enjoy life 's roller coaster as much as I do the ones at the park . Back when I learned that the hip surgery was going to have to be earlier than anticipated . I selected today as the day to be back to myself . I thought by today , I would be finished with PT and that other than a few remaining tweaks , I 'd be back to myself . I was mostly right . I 'm not finished with therapy . I didn 't anticipate starting late because I was so weak , nor a week off due to the holiday . I have four sessions left , two this week and two next . Hopefully , then I will be able to drive . I 've shed most of the hip related accommodations . I still have the sock aid , and the toilet raiser at home . I am still taking the cane in public both as an aid to me and a warning to others . At home , I hardly use the cane at all . Today , I walked to the mailbox and back . I took the cane to help me get up the stairs . It is great . I am glad that I was able to get so close to the goal I set for myself . But , it has not been easy . Even this morning , I had to really give myself a lot of positive self talk just to get out of the bed . It was dreary and rainy and the days of me being able to lay in the bed whenever I want are drawing to a close . I knew though , that if I didn 't get up and get on the Wii as I had told myself last night , today would be a washout . I got up and weighed on the Wii . I only did the body test part because I do have therapy this afternoon and I didn 't want to overdo ! I 'm also getting back with the water drinking and food monitoring . I 'm not going to say weight loss plan just yet . We have too much food that isn 't on any one 's nutritious food plan . Still , without my pain meds killing my appetite , I need to be careful about my intake . I 'm hoping by easing back in to things , the transition won 't be so abrupt or difficult . So far , it is great ! Posted by We had a very nice day yesterday celebrating Thanksgiving . The weather was perfect . We even had the doors and windows open to let in the fresh air . We ate at my sister 's house . Both her sons and their wives were there along with her grandchildren , and with various other friends and extended family . I knew that we would have a good time . We always do , but Wednesday night I cried because there will not be a time during all of the holiday season this year that the whole family will be together . I intend to show up at everything and I know it will be fun . It just isn 't the same without everyone . I 'm not so sad for me but for the ones not there that miss out . I want to remember two especially fun and funny events from yesterday . So , I am recording them here . My nieces were dressed in adorable brown dresses that were alike but not matchy - matchy . Both dresses had turkeys appliqued on them and they both looked precious . The older niece ( N1 ) who finally has hair had a cute bow in her hair . The 10 month old ( N2 ) is still adorably bald . ( It is hard when I don 't have permission to use names ! ) N1 and I were playing after we 'd eaten . The bow fell out of her hair . I told her I 'd put it back in but she was too busy with her games to bother with that . So , I handed the bow to 65MD . He decided to put it in his hair . He just clipped it on top of his head , and didn 't say anything . He just waited for N1 to notice . When she did , she laughed so hard she could hardly stand up . She then had to tell everyone in the house individually , that Pop had a bow on his head . Then she decided that Daddy needed to put the bow on his head . Then Uncle D . Then Nanny . Then Lolli , etc . It got funnier every time . We were all laughing like we hadn 't laughed in a long time . It was , indeed , hilarious . Pop might just have to start wearing bows whenever he is around N1 . Later , N1 decided that she wanted to " sing the pokey - pokey " which translated is " hokey - pokey " although I 'm not sure about the spelling . We are very loose with the hokey pokey . We don 't say left or right . We just say put your hand or foot in and out . Our verses are : hand , foot , head , and whole self . We sing those verses over and over . N2 was in the room sitting in my mother 's lap when we started . I actually do not participate in all of the movements just yet . It is OK for me just to sing while N1 prances around . She mostly does the ' turn yourself about ' part anyway . And the clapping . When I started to sing , N2 began to lean back & forth to the rhythm and we thought that was cute . When I started singing the ' head ' verse , she put those fat , little baby hands on her bald head and clapped at the end of the verse . We all thought it was adorable and that she must be very advanced for her age to do the hokey pokey . Just to be sure , I sang that verse again . Once again , she kept the beat , put her hands on her head and clapped at the end . This time she even sang a bit . I wound up singing that verse about 10 times . EVERY time , she put her hands on her head and clapped at the end , while she sang along . She wouldn 't do the other verses . She had no interest in putting her hands or feet in , only her head . We called the others in to watch and she would perform on cue , except for when her mother was watching . Even when her mother was hiding , which we couldn 't quite figure out but agree it has to do with extremely high intelligence ! ! It was a blast . I can 't wait to see her again and she if she still wants to ' put head in ' or not . I hope everyone has a wonderful time with family and / or friends tomorrow . I 've had a good week . 65MD has been off from work all week . He started laying tile ! I got my hair done and no PT this week . Family starts arriving tomorrow afternoon , so we will have a late meal together . Most everyone will stay through Monday , so I won 't be around much . This will be my first time seeing our newest family member . He or she is still inside Mommy . Maybe we 'll find out if we 'll be getting another girl or a boy . My feeling is girl . My almost 3 year old niece was in a Thanksgiving production at her school last night . Wild horses could not have kept me from that performance . It was my first outing that was not medically related since surgery . It totally knocked the stuffing out of me but that is not the point of this post . I haven 't seen my baby nieces since before surgery . I was missing them a lot . I 'd been in touch with their mother . She was concerned that they might hurt me somehow . I assured her that if they bumped the incision it might cause pain for a while , but it would not do any damage . Still , she was cautious . When she mentioned that the nearly 3 year old was asking for me , I could hardly wait to see her . We happened to arrive at the same time so we met in the parking lot . 65MD expected tears from both me and the toddler but we managed to keep it together . I had taken my walker since I knew there would be lots of little ones around and thought it would be safer . My little one decided she 'd like a ride to the door . Of course , I accommodated her and she rode on the walker to the door . When we got into the auditorium , she was to sit with her class until after her performance . Then she could come sit with family . She decided to forgo the performance and just sit with me . Oopsie . If I 'd realized that , I would have made myself scarce until her class had sung . Who knew ? My sister sat with her and her classmates until performance time . Then she had to carry her to the stage and put her on the stage . She would not sing , nor would she wear her cute little turkey headdress . In fact , standing there was too much for her . She sat down and waited as patiently as she could for everyone else to finish . Then she made a beeline for the family . After the last class performed , we all had dinner together . My niece insisted on sitting next to me . I had gotten a brownie for dessert . Her dad had filled her plate and did not get her any dessert . As we were eating , I noticed that she pulled the brownie over in front of her . We all did . She wasn 't trying to be sneaky . She just wanted the brownie . Her dad told her it was mine and to give it back . I said that was OK . She could have it and I would get another one . It was actually a pretty large serving and I thought we might share it . Nope . That child ate the whole thing . It must have been good too because she wanted another one . I wanted one too , or at least a bite or two . We went to the dessert table and there were no more brownies like those . She opted for a mini pumpkin cupcake with cream cheese swirl on the top . I got a cherry danish that looked good . When we got back to the table . She wanted both . I took one bite of the danish and didn 't even want to swallow . It was not good at all . I gladly gave it to her . She only wanted one bite too . We also shared the cream cheese swirl on the cupcake . Neither one of us wanted the cupcake only the cream cheese part . Her dad thought she 'd had plenty of dessert at this point . As did I , but she disagreed so back to the dessert table we went . There were still no brownies , but there was some chocolate bundt type cake there . She picked up a slice and took a bite . It wasn 't what she wanted so she put it back and picked up another slice and did the same thing before I could get to her . Our minister was standing there watching and laughing . He said it was the best thing he 'd seen all week . Truth be told , I thought it was pretty funny too . Of course , I had to tell her that we couldn 't do that here . I grabbed the ' tasted ' slices of cake and tossed them in the trash . She continued to look at the desserts but could not find one to her satisfaction . I realized then , that she was looking for another brownie . They were gone . She tried a chocolate chip cookie and a couple of mini pecan pie tarts before giving up . Her grandfather finished those off for her , along with the cherry thing and the pumpkin cupcake ! All in all , it was a wonderful evening . We got to be together and she saved me from the brownie . Instead , I just had a few bites of dessert and that was enough . Oddly , my weight was down this morning . I am finally just 1 . 8 pounds over pre - op weight . I was the surgeon yesterday . He was very pleased with my progress . He said my job now is to get stronger . He agreed with the therapist that I need more sessions . I didn 't cry this time . I 've made peace with that . I won 't have any next week because it is a short week and we just couldn 't get our schedules together . Beginning the next week , I will have two session per week for two weeks . That really isn 't so bad . Currently , my last session is scheduled for December 11 . At that time , I 'll have another evaluation and know if I 'll need more or if I am released . I 've decided to make the best of it . The only real limitation this puts on me is that I can 't drive . And , since I don 't like driving , that isn 't a bad thing ! I have a hair appointment between now and December 11 . I mentioned this during the sob - fest in the car on Monday . Of course , 65MD would have said anything to make me stop crying and he said he 'd take me to my hair appointment ! ! ! I might not hold him to it , but I will get my hair done . I can 't drive because I am still on pain medicine . The dosage has been dropped down , but as long as I am going to therapy , the medical community believes that prescription strength pain medicine is required . I can 't say that I disagree . So , as long as I am on pain medication , I can take naps any time I want . I have an easy out for any slip of the tongue , memory lapse , typo , etc . I even think that I am exempt from housework and cooking . I just might get used to this . Posted by I had a wonderful weekend . I walked around the house without my cane whenever 65MD was in the house . I cut back on pain meds and gave serious thought to stopping completely . I had a real glimpse of what life is going to be like when all of this is behind me . I went to bed Sunday night thinking of the blog I would write on Monday . It was quite witty and well written . It was all about exercise , eating & water , and how I 'd managed those things while I was recuperating , my transition plan and how I saw them going forward once I was fully recovered . Then I woke up Monday morning . Oh my ! 65MD convinced me to take half of a pain pill before bed . I am glad he did or we might have been in the ER ! I woke up at 2 : 00 am hurting , so I took the other half . I don 't know what I was thinking . I should have taken a whole one then . Clearly , I didn 't blog yesterday . If it hadn 't been for PT , I wouldn 't have left the house . I hardly left my little nest . 65MD has made me a very cozy little place to rest during the day , that we 've taken to calling my nest . By the time to go to therapy , the pain had diminished but was still very much there . This was my evaluation as I see the surgeon tomorrow . My therapist told me several visits ago that I might not need any extra time . Yesterday 's visit proved that to be untrue . She took the measures to send to the doctor but I knew I was not making the marks I needed to . One one measure , she kept asking me to push just a little harder . I knew I must have been close to the mark she was wanting . I just couldn 't do it . The pain had come roaring back and I could not push through . I knew she was going to have to tell me that she was recommending more sessions . I let her off the hook . I told her I was OK with the extra time and even smiled as I told her I 'd call and make more appointments after checking the schedules of my PT ' taxi ' drivers . As we got in the car , I told 65 the news . I was a little surprised that not one tear slipped out . I thought my voice would crack or something . It didn 't . He sighed and started to say something encouraging , and I burst into sobs . Something about that sigh broke me . The dam burst and I sat in the car sobbing like someone had died . I 'm talking deep gut wrenching sobs . Poor 65MD , was trying to comfort me but couldn 't quite figure out how to since we were both in the car . He finally just patted my leg over & over . We had planned to go out to eat since he had a BOGO coupon from a place we really like . We were going to stop by my mother 's with some boxes while we were out too . I guess , grasping for something to say , he suggested that we just go home . And , of course , it would make sense that I would not want to be running around town while I was hysterical . But , I said no . I said , I was not going to let this setback defeat me . We were going . I secretly decided that I was going to order dessert . Probably something creamy , like ice cream or better yet a warm brownie with ice cream on it . Yes , I was going to order dessert . I deserved it . We went by my mother 's . She came out to the car , so we didn 't even get out . She knew this was evaluation day and was eager to get the news . 65MD jumped in and told her so I wouldn 't have to . She was disappointed for me , but didn 't seem to be upset by it . We went to eat . I got full before I finished my meal and then I did not like any of the dessert options . There was no warm brownie with ice cream . There was no ice cream at all ! I confessed my secret to 65MD . He said I could have gotten dessert , but perhaps this was a sign that it was an emotional response and I would enjoy dessert more another time . He was right . I am better today . Not in so much pain , because I 'm back taking my medication . And , I have a nice post about how I 'm going to lose these last two post - op pounds and then move on to a more aggressive plan to get to my goal weight , all ready to go in my mind , when it is time . No brownies with ice cream are included . So yesterday the laundry issue became bigger than life . I had to do something about all of those clothes piled up on the dryer . Not to mention the dirty clothes that were piling up in the bathroom closet . I knew that I could fold clothes , even on high doses of percocet . That is a fairly low impact thing to do . I could sit on the bed and fold clothes . My biggest issue was getting the clothes from the laundry room to the bedroom . I 'm using the cane , so my right hand is occupied with that , leaving only my left hand to carry stuff . I have taken to wearing a smock around the house because it has nice large pockets and I can carry stuff that way . That wasn 't going to work with the laundry . My house isn 't that big , but I was not willing to make the number of trips necessary to carry those clothes in my left hand and / or smock pockets to get them from the laundry room to the bedroom . I hit upon a wonderful idea though . I put the laundry basket on the walker so that it could be used like a scooter to transport the clothes . First , I dumped the clean clothes from the basket on to the bed . Then I got the reachers / grabbers / whatever those things are called , and got the dirties from the bathroom closet floor to transport to the laundry room . I was very careful to keep the weight of the clothes to the front so that the basket didn 't topple over . ( OK , it toppled over several times before I figured that part out . I am on percocet ! ) I got to the laundry room and encountered a small problem . The walker would not fit . Let me take a moment to define " laundry room " so that there is no confusion . We keep the washer and dryer in that room so we feel justified in using the term but it is not 100 % descriptive . We also keep cleaning supplies , wrapping paper , a refrigerator , some food staples and just about everything else we want to keep in the house but don 't quite know where to put . Calling the room the laundry / cleaning supply / wrapping paper / refrigerator / food / everything else room would just take too much time and I 'd forget why I was even mentioning said room to begin with . Also , the washer and dryer fit snugly against the back wall . These are not those lovely washer / dryer combos seen on TV in those wonderfully large rooms that are probably bigger than my living room . Think scratch and dent specials that aren 't even the same color , in a room crammed with everything imaginable . I mean really , every time we can 't find something , we ask " Did you look in the laundry room ? " So , it was no surprise that the walker would not fit , especially now that it had been retrofitted with a laundry basket . I am nothing , if not a problem solver . The percocet helps with that . I just backed in to the laundry room pulling the walker as far as it would go . Oh , and I should add at this point that the laundry room was added on to the house . It is not part of the original structure . That makes the threshold into the room a little wonky and I had to give the walker a good tug to get it over that . Once , I was sure the walker was as far in as I could get it thus saving me and my new hip precious steps , I put the dirty clothes in the washer . Then , I piled the clean clothes in the basket keeping it nicely balanced . The plan at this point was to take the clean clothes and pile them on the bed with the others and then lay down with them until it was time to move the clean clothes to the dryer . This was just a little more than I bargained for . Only there was one small problem . . The walker was stuck . It would not move . No way no how . I had a real problem because in my zeal to get the clothes done and glorying in my lovely invention , I had not put a phone in my smock pocket . I could not call for help . I had the grabber thingies but I could not reach the phone from that distance . Even if I could , who would I call ? Was this important enough to call 65MD home from work ? I could call my mother but I was pretty sure the door was locked . If she could even get in could she unwedge the walker ? I feared I was stuck in the laundry room until 65MD got home from work . There is a window . I could open it and scream for help . Were the neighbors even home ? What if they heard a woman screaming and called 911 ? That would be majorly embarrassing . No , I was left to my own devices to get out . I had to get out . There was no place to sit and I needed to sit . I could lay in the floor . There was probably enough space for me to curl up . There were a couple of problems though : 1 . How would I get down ? 2 . How would I get back up ? Then , I wasn 't sure if it would be comfortable . What time was it anyway ? How long before 65MD came home ? If he called or emailed and I didn 't respond maybe he would realize I was in grave danger and come rescue me . Fat chance . I was on my own . I jiggled , jimmied and jammed . I shoved the grabber things all around the edges of the walker to see what was hanging it up . How in the world could it go in and not come back out ? I finally mustered all of my strength and shoved the walker as hard as I could while trying to lift it . It finally broke free and I did not go sprawling with it . Plus , I think those marks on the door jamb add character to an old house . I made a beeline for the bed . I don 't know how long I rested , but I had a nice long lay about . I went back to the laundry room sans walker to move the clothes to the dryer . Luckily , it was a small load and when it was time to take them from the dryer , I left the walker in the kitchen and I was able to gather up the newly clean clothes in just a couple of trips . After another rest , I folded all of the clothes . By the time 65MD came home . My clothes were folded and put away . His were folded and piled neatly ( I 'm on percocet so interpret that loosely ) in a chair . The towels and wash clothes were on the walker but not in the basket , I had put that away , ready to go to the linen closet . The first thing 65MD did after greeting me was to wheel the walker out of the room . He went towards the bathroom . Wow ! I still needed rest so I stayed in the bed . I heard noises coming from the kitchen and figured he was getting something together to reheat for our supper and I continued to rest . When I got up sometime later , I found the walker in the hallway with the linens still on it , just outside the bathroom door . I chuckled to myself and went on into the kitchen to see what was for supper . I found nothing to eat , but all of those groceries that I mentioned that didn 't quite get put away , were gone . So were all of the clean dishes that were near their homes . I went straight to the walker and put the towels away ! As we were going to bed last night , I noticed that 65MD 's clothes were still in the chair . I told him they were his clothes , and he said he 'd noticed them but didn 't realize they were his . ( Making me think that perhaps they weren 't quite as neatly folded and stacked as I thought . ) This morning when I got up they were gone . He must have needed some clean underwear . I found the clothes later right next to the dresser where he keeps them . My therapist told me yesterday that Monday would likely be my last session . At this point , she sees no reason for me to continue . I see the surgeon on Wednesday and she thinks he will agree . If so , I 'll be doing therapy on my own at home and will go back for x - rays periodically for a year . In my mind , once therapy and this appointment are over ( and go as expected ) , I will be largely over surgery . My biggest issue right now is the incision . 65MD calls is leprosy . It is ugly to say the least . The blisters from the reaction to the tape turned into red sores which have dried and are flaking off . TMI , I know . It is still quite sore . I 'm still not real happy when something touches it . I still have a way to go in several areas before I consider myself ' well ' but mentally , I am over a huge hurdle . I have cleared my calendar as much as possible through the end of the year . It will probably take me that long to get my stamina back . Now , I am wondering what to tackle first . I 've been working and have managed to clear through that minor backlog . Now , I am thinking about laundry or the kitchen , or cooking . I am NOT knocking 65MD at all ! He has shouldered a huge burden these past few weeks and has done a magnificent job . No one could keep up with what he has tried to do . Yet , the house is a disaster . Of course it is the easiest thing to let go . I totally get that . I would have done the same thing . It started in the laundry room . He would wash a load of clothes and pull out what we needed . The rest would get piled up on the dryer . No problem . Close the door . No one goes in there anyway . Only now there is about 4 weeks of stuff piled willy - nilly in there . Probably more than I can tackle right now . He 's done a fine job of loading the dishwasher and running it . He has the same philosophy with the dishwasher as the dryer . Just get out what is needed and worry about the rest later . He 's had to actually empty it a time or two to load it with the dirty dishes that have piled up , only stuff doesn 't actually get put away . Stuff just gets put on the counter close to the cabinet it goes in . I get it . Everything can 't get done . He went to the grocery store yesterday . He did a fabulous job there . No strange things like 10 cans of chili starter this time ! Once again , he just took the stuff out of the bags and put it near where it is kept . Actually opening the door and putting the item away is too much . I think the place for me to start is resting in the bed and contemplating a little more . After all , I need to pace myself and I 've written this whole post . Right ? ? ? ? Plus , food is being delivered tomorrow . I don 't need to cook . Not much to share . I 'm making progress in PT . I gave up the walker yesterday and am now using a cane . That is mostly for stability while I regain some stamina . It is a very good thing . My weight is still floating around 2 to 3 pounds over pre - op . I 'm not really trying to do anything about it though . We 're still eating food that is brought by friends and family , with a little take out here & there . My exercise is PT , which is actually a pretty good workout . I started back working yesterday . I hadn 't really not worked except the days in the hospital when I was largely disconnected . Even though , I 'd put the word out that I was having surgery and would be out of commission for a while , those emails kept coming . I 'd even put a vacation responder . I think people thought they 'd just email me and I could respond when I was up to it . Since I don 't like having stuff hanging over my head , I responded to most emails as they arrived . Yesterday was the day I started initiating emails , calls . etc . Anyone remember the floor ? The bedroom redo that we started over spring break ? Anyone ? ? ? 65MD actually said that he thought he might get back to that over Thanksgiving . I 'm not holding my breath , but at least the subject has come back up ! ! ! My next challenge is finding something to wear below the waist that doesn 't hurt . Anything touching that incision at all , hurts ! Around the house , I 've been wearing long shirts and nothing below the waist . I have some giant shorts from last time , that I 've worn to PT . Now , the weather has turned on me and I need to have my legs covered . I tried some old nylon pants of 65MD 's they are loose enough but when they touch the incision they really hurt . I put on some soft stretch pants hoping the softer fabric would be the answer . It isn 't . Now , I 'm back to the giant shorts and turning up the heat . See ? Not much to say . I really appreciate everyone checking in on me . I especially appreciate the supportive comments and emails . I think it helps with the healing . I was heartened to read that . I am a very healthy person . Two of the three , will resolve themselves in time - THR & menopause . I will help them along , of course , with PT in the case of THR and dealing with the symptoms of menopause as they arise . That only leaves me with obesity to deal with . And we all know that is easier said than done . Somehow , though , knowing that is my only issue , makes it seem so much more manageable . I think I 'd become so focused on my hips and all of the issues surrounding it , wellness seemed so far out of reach . Now , all I have to do is lose weight , and I will have no ongoing issues . Back to the weight , I have stalled out at between 2 and 3 pounds to go with getting to my pre - op weight . I knew that I would stall out eventually . I just hoped it wouldn 't be until I got below pre - op . Today , in therapy , I had the therapist that helped flush out so much fluid last week . Before I could say anything about stalling out , she told me not be be concerned if I stopped losing and gained a pound or two . She reminded me that I was rebuilding those cut muscles and that would offset any other losses , fluid or fat . I was glad to know that as well because that is indeed what has happened and my intake has not increased . For once , I 'll be glad with a stall on the scales and maybe not get upset about an uptick ! She also tried to work some of the remaining fluid out . I 've been thirsty today , so she may have done it again . I 'll have to let my clothes tell me this time , since the scales won 't . Posted by I have now lost 11 pounds since Friday . My skin does not feel as though it might pop , still there is excess fluid . My pants are still tighter than I like for them to be . Yesterday , my mother came to help me get dressed for PT . She commented that I looked smaller . I know she wouldn 't just lie to me , and I also know that she wants to make me feel good . She was right though , the scales were down again . Now , is the time that I need to be extra careful . My appetite has returned but my ability to move normally has not . I 'm still having a high level of pain and tripping in the kitchen this morning didn 't help ! So , I 'm on percocet and most comfortable sitting in the bed with both legs stretched out in front of me . I can do several PT exercises from this position and do , but I know I 'm not really torching the calories . Plus , my family and friends are determined that we will not run out of food . So far , everyone has been quite considerate in asking about likes / dislikes / allergies , etc . I say that I 'm avoiding white flour & sugar and that I don 't like tomatoes and mayo . I hope that doesn 't sound too picky . These people are being generous and I don 't want to seem ungrateful . At the same time , I don 't want their efforts to be wasted on something I won 't eat . Right now , I have some strawberry cookies that are scrumptious - a treat from a church friend . They are the perfect mix of sweet and tart . After two I am satisfied . I also have a chocolate prune cake my mother made in an effort to help with OIC . ( It is a struggle to say the least ! ) It seems so sweet that I can hardly eat a whole slice . My sister told me that the anesthesia or something has screwed up my taste buds . She did not think the cake was extra sweet . Plus being too sweet has never been a problem for me in the past . I have been eating chocolate pudding like it is the last day for eating chocolate pudding . Well , not really . I eat about half a cup per day , but it is the only thing that I have thought of that would taste good and actually did . With a nice little serving , I 'm satisfied and don 't obsess about it the rest of the day . 65MD is going to try his hand at making me some from scratch ! He 's such a good man . Other than those three sweet treats , my intake has been good . 65MD is helping me monitor my intake as well , wanting to make sure I get plenty of vegetables , particularly green ones . ( OIC ! ) It is a new thing for me for him to be so invested in my eating . He 's also been monitoring the scales along with me . In times past , he 's been supportive , but hands off . He 's let me do my thing , eaten along with me and shown interest , but this is a whole new level . It is making me a little paranoid . I 'm wondering just how distorted my mental image is vs reality , or maybe paranoia is a side effect of the medication . I 'm not going to worry too long about that . I 'm going to focus on being happy that I 've lost 11 pounds since Friday and enjoy the downward trend while it lasts . Posted by I am not sure my exact weight when I went in for surgery . I didn 't weigh that morning . We 'd gone out to eat the night before so the number would have probably been up . I weighed often enough in the days before surgery that I have a pretty good idea of the neighborhood . I weighed several days after coming home on a lark . I knew it would be up because my left leg was incredibly swollen . There was an obvious difference in the size of my right and left legs . My weight was up 15 pounds . I didn 't get upset because I figured there was more than 15 pounds of fluid in my left thigh alone ! ! That , and the fact that my appetite was virtually gone . I was ( and am ) trying to listen to my body , and eat when I am hungry . I got some protein bars and nuts to eat during recovery to have a quick and nutritious snack on hand when I got hungry . Since I wasn 't wearing my regular clothes , I didn 't have that guide , I felt like my weight would be down if I could somehow discount the swelling . One day , I even thought my face appeared thinner in the mirror . That is a hard one to quantify . I just enjoyed it without ' proof ' and went on . I go to therapy on MWF . My therapist is great . She is the kind of person , I 'd be friends with . We work hard on getting my muscles back in shape so that I can move my left leg again . I am making progress . When I first came home 65MD ( or whoever was here ) had to left my left leg in to the bed . I couldn 't lift it at all . Nor could I make a side to side motion with that leg . It was a fluid filled sack of meat hanging from my body . Now , with great effort , I can lift my leg into the bed and under the right circumstances move my left leg from side to side . That is just the first wave . I have to be able to lift my leg while laying on my side . We haven 't even begun to work on that . Then there is the whole walking thing . I need to be able to walk without the assistance of a device . Those things will call come in time . That is why I am going to therapy . Yesterday , my therapist wasn 't there . She had a well deserved day off . I had another therapist . She was very nice and very different . Yesterday 's therapist was very concerned about symmetry and balance in my body . I did not understand a lot of what she was doing . We didn 't do the exercises I am used to . Instead , she put her hands on various parts of my body starting at the top of my head and working down . I laid on my back on the table as she put her hands under my head , under my shoulders , under my waist , under my pelvis , etc . She just laid her hands under me . She didn 't massage . We chatted about family and life as she moved through this process . At the end , we did a couple of exercises . She actually did more of the movement than I did . She wanted me to see how it would feel to move the muscles properly . Finally , she told me that she was moving the fluid through my lymph system so it could leave . She showed me how to put my hand on my left hip to help shed the fluid myself at home . I wasn 't quite sure how this shedding was going to happen . I could think of two possibilities . I could pee it out or it could seep out the incision . I was right . Both happened . We put a towel in the bed in case the incision oozed . It was a good idea , but the sheets are in the washer now . I also got a lot of practice walking to the bathroom . It seemed I was peeing far more than the urgency of need . Even 65MD , commented on perhaps my bladder had expanded . Really ! ? ! ? ! I know that recovery is going to take longer than I think . I know that it will be harder than I want . I know that there will be set backs along the way . Just because I can do X today , doesn 't mean I can do it again tomorrow . I have tried to hard to prepare myself mentally for whatever comes my way but I was NOT expecting this . I am allergic to the tape used to bandage the incision . I just can 't wrap my brain around that one . The tape ? ! ? Who is allergic to paper ? ? ? Me , apparently . I am not taking this well . I am angry and insulted . Of all things that can happen - a tape allergy happens to me . Don 't get me wrong I 'm not hoping for worse . It is just that I thought I had prepared myself for any eventuality . I cleared my calendar as much as possible through the end of the year . It never occurred to me that I might have been made worse by what was supposed to help . 65MD had been changing my bandage regularly since coming home from the hospital . It drained , as was expected , and the hospital provided us with extra bandages and tape for that purpose . Early on , I told 65MD that it hurt when he pulled off on of the tapes . He was surprised and thought it was just because my leg was super sensitive and neither one of us thought much more about it . Tuesday afternoon , he took the bandage off so that I could take a shower . He pulled and I screamed . He thought I was overreacting , but it really , really hurt ! Then we noticed a blister not quite as big as a dime at the top of the incision . I wondered if I had been burned accidentally during the surgery . I sent a picture of it to my sister who is a labor & delivery nurse . She said she thought it was the tape . So , as a precaution , we decided not to re - bandage the incision . I showed it to my therapist yesterday and she confirmed that it was an allergic reaction . She gave me another type of bandaging material if I needed it but advised to leave it off if I could . She also suggested that I but a small band - aid type bandage over the blister in case it ruptured . Then , last night , as I was getting ready for bed , I felt another blister . I had 65MD look and I have blisters of varying sizes all down the back of my leg all along the side of the incision right where the tape had been . Nothing to do for that . I would have used a whole box of band - aids if I could have figured out how to put them on without getting on the staples . A week ago today , I had my left hip replaced and the fun really began ! I 've heard that women forget the pain of childbearing or they 'd never have another child . I believe the same applies to hip replacement . There have been some improvements in the procedure and I was in a different facility so I can 't really do an apples to apples comparison . Suffice to say , this ain 't for sissies . I really liked the new facility and the changes that came along with it . Everyone that took care of me there was wonderful except for one Nurse Ratchet . I may or may not discuss her in another post . Today , I want to share about the spinal tap and the extreme joy it brought me . I found out Tuesday during pre - op that I was to get a spinal tap . This would numb me from the waist down . While I would still be under general anesthesia , I wouldn 't have to have as much and avoid those nasty side effects that plagued me so much in times past . There were other advantages as well , like having narcotics directly injected into my spinal fluid . Still , the whole idea of someone messing around with my spine freaked me out and I was not in favor of it . The two pre - op nurses didn 't press the issue and went on with the other duties which included giving me pain meds and what I labeled ' nerve ' pills . Having not had any pain medicine for 7 days and no food since midnight , the lovely little pills worked their magic very quickly . I told them I was feeling relaxed and they said that was a good thing . Soon , a very kind doctor came in . He was a little older than me and could have easily been a favorite uncle . I liked him right away . We had instant rapport . I was soooooo glad he was my doctor . He took lots of time to explain the spinal tap procedure to me and although I was still fearful , I agreed . Although I felt like the doctor and I were having a nice coherent conversation , he seemed to chuckle a lot . At one point the nurses got so tickled that they hid behind the curtain and guffawed . I am pretty sure that they were laughing at me . My only concern was that I wasn 't quite getting the joke . I wanted to laugh too , even if it was at my expense . I was awake as I was taken into the OR . The first face I saw as I was wheeled in was a man who was the older brother I never had . I knew instantly that he was a good man and I could trust him completely . He told me not to be afraid because he would be with me the entire time and that I could lean on him while the doctor was doing the spinal tap . He called me " sweetie " and names like that . I let him . Ordinarily , that is a real pet peeve of mine . How could a man I hardly know use terms of endearment ? This time , it sealed our bond . The last thing I remember was sitting with the top of my head on his chest and holding to the sides of his scrubs for dear life . Then I woke up in my room . I told 65MD all about the nice , nice man that let me lean on him . He made such an impression on me that I told 65MD repeatedly just how nice he was . 65MD decided the thing to do was record me telling him all about my new friend . I 've only heard snippets so far , but I didn 't think I was slurring my words quite as much as the person he recorded . The surgeon came in to check on me and I thanked him profusely for the spinal tap and exclaimed how good I felt . The nurse pointed out to 65MD that I was still numb from the waist down . The doctor , did not tell me that little bit of information . I realized later that pain was going to happen no matter what . When the therapists ( it took two ) came to get me up the first time , I could not do it because the room would not be still . I was determined to walk . It was my first post op goal and I was not going to get behind from the beginning . I insisted that they get me up and hold me up until the room stopped spinning . After about three tries , I began to feel as though the ride was coming to a stop and was ready to take a step . I asked the therapist for my ' walking frame ' using a British accent . She started laughing so hard that she let go of me . I fell back in to the bed and bonked her head with mine on the way down . She refused to get me back up after that . So , the failure was not mine ! ! ! I have been off all pain medicine except TylenoT ( sic ) since Tuesday . To say I hurt is an understatement . I have been in some pain now for years . It is a rare thing for me to be pain free . I didn 't realize just how well the pain medicine has been working until I stopped taking it . I am trying to stay out of The Pit , so I am thinking of the good parts of not taking pain medicine . Second , 65MD is cleaning house , and even doing laundry . I gave him the floors some time ago . Sweeping , vacuuming and mopping were too hard . He doesn 't quite have the same level of desire for cleanliness as I do , but I just had to let that go . He has a demanding job , and takes care of millions of other things around the house . Since , last week , he has suddenly turned into Mr Clean . He 's washed , dusted , swept , mopped just about everything there is to wash , dust , sweep and mop in the house , in addition to those million other things . Third , 65MD is planning meals , cooking and cleaning up afterwards . We developed a pattern early in our marriage that one of us cooked and the other cleaned up after the meal , mostly loaded the dishwasher . Since I 've been working from home , I 've done most of the meal planning & prep . He 's cleaned up . This morning , he made waffles & sausage for breakfast . His idea . He even cleaned up afterwards . The first thing he ever made for me while we were dating was waffles . We were watching a movie at his house and I was hungry . He had nothing in his house to snack on but had waffle mix and a waffle iron . Since that time waffles have become a ' romantic ' food for us . Fourth , 65MD went to the grocery store with me yesterday and I got to push the cart . That is a two - fer . First , he does not enjoy shopping any where any time , and when he goes he pushes the cart . I think he does it to keep me moving . This time , I needed the cart to lean on as I walked shuffled through the store . He also brought them in and helped put them away . I am not quite looking forward to Tuesday and the nightmare that will start then . But the sooner it starts the sooner it will be over . Plus , I 'll be back on the super - duper pain meds . I don 't have much to say . Still , I wanted to check in . I 've been spending most of my time getting ready to be out of commission for at least 8 weeks , and maybe through the end of the year . I have much more realistic expectations this time of how long it is going to take to get back on my feet . I 'm even trying to convince myself that it is OK that I may not be 100 % pain free for a year . This time we are allowing food to be brought . That is fraught with danger , I know . I 'm asking for no white flour and no sugar in what is brought . At the same time , I am planning to accept whatever is given with graciousness and worry about my weight on January 1 with the rest of the nation . My niece will turn 3 in December . I am really hoping to be able to make her birthday cake . She 's already asking for " Elsa Anna cake and presents . " Every time she sees me , she says that over and over . I wish I had a sound clip to share . It is more like " ElsaAnnacakeandpresents " as if it was one word . She is jazzed about her birthday . Last time she was at my house , she decided it would be a good time to make the cake . It took some convincing but she finally agreed to wait closer to her birthday . I can understand her confusion though . In the interest of planning ahead her mother and I have been gathering supplies since I most likely won 't be driving before her birthday . And , her mother can make the cake with my instructions if I 'm not able . I 've been a little surprised by the number of things happening in the next 8 or so weeks that I feel like somehow need my attention . Maybe this is a good thing . Maybe I need to see that I am not so vital , and just enjoy life . I 've had to stop taking pain medication . Until surgery , I am allowed as much acetaminophen ( Tylenol ) as I want . Woohoo ! NOT ! Folks , if my pain were manageable with that stuff , I wouldn 't even be considering surgery ! I have already pre - apologized to 65MD for being a grump . He was kind and said so far I hadn 't been too bad . He ain 't seen nothin ' yet , I fear . He 's a good man . He understands . For my readers that pray , it would certainly help to spare one for him . I 'll keep in touch as I can . I 'll probably have a lot more time for blogging . Although , I can 't address the coherence of what might be blogged ! ! I co - teach the 4 's , 5 's and kindergartners on Sunday mornings at church . I love that age group . They are becoming their own individuals and at the same time are so sweet an innocent . They are excited to learn and give love so freely . And , they are HONEST ! What 's not to love ? They are also quite into birthdays and how old everyone is . That subject came up as the children were coming in on Sunday . The co - teacher said that she was older than me . She is . The precious little girl sitting next to me piped up with ; " Yes , but she is bigger " referring to me . Now , I am choosing to believe that she was giving me high praise rather than calling me fat . In her world , being bigger is better , as is being older . Since I was not older than the other teacher , at least I was bigger . I am . The other teacher is a normal sized lady . I 'm still falling on the plus side of the spectrum . I am sure I am making more out of the offhand comment made by a 4 year old , than I should . Still , I keep circling back to the fact that she said " bigger " not " fat . " Maybe just maybe , her sweet little eyes don 't see me as fat . I am not as big or as fat as I once was . There 's that ! I saw the surgeon yesterday for a one year follow up on my right hip replacement . To the day , it was one year when I had surgery . He was very pleased with the way my right hip has healed . He even used the word ' perfect ' to describe it . That made me very happy . He x - rayed my left hip as well since it has been bothering me off and on for most of the year since the right replacement . He told me in the spring that the left hip had the same deformity and would eventually need to be replaced . I was hoping to make it until January because I don 't like January & February . It would be fine with me to feel worse than dirt for those months . ( not really fine , but better than in the summer ) But , the best laid plans , as we all know , don 't always work out . The x - ray showed that my left hip had ' collapsed . ' I wasn 't surprised to hear that something like that happened . About three weeks ago , I was standing up and it popped . It hurt . It hasn 't stopped hurting at some level ever since . The pain medicine beats it back some but not completely . I can hobble around and get things done that are necessary but not everything I 'd like to do . It has been longer than I want to think about since my house has been actually clean . I keep the clutter and crumbs beat back , but the dust is piling up , especially in the bedroom where the new floor is being installed . I don 't even go back there most days . On the one hand , I am so ready to get this behind me that I am OK with the escalated date . On the other hand , the memories of how hard it was are still too fresh and I really don 't want to go through that again . The full truth is , I am fearful that even this won 't help . Even though the doctor said that my right hip was fine , it still hurts from time to time . I 'm hoping that is just because I 'm favoring my left hip and putting too much stress on it . Being in pain for years , literally , years makes me wonder if I will ever be pain free again . I see people walking and am envious that they appear to be walking with ease and pain free . Will that ever be me again ? Or , will I wind up in a wheelchair ? No one , not even the surgeon , who knows my weight because I weighed at his office yesterday , has said that if I lose weight it will help . No one . Still , we all know that losing any amount of weight will help . I had finally gotten into a routine , however pitiful with the Wii and my eating that my weight was finally slipping down . Now , I see all of that struggle to lose 10 lbs about to go up in smoke . I hate it . I know that once I heal ( if I heal ) I can get back to the Wii or maybe even actual exercise and lose weight again . I 'm tired of losing the same pounds over and over . 65MD and I just got back from Tybee Island . He had a conference in Savannah so I parked myself on the island for a few days . All in all it was a good trip , but since it was us , we had our share of misadventures . First , as 65MD was about to get in the rental car he noticed that one of the tires was leaking . It was wet and making bubbles . The agent quickly got another car for us . The one 65MD was about to get was a step up because they did not have the mid size model we reserved . Since the nicer car , was now out of the picture , we were given an economy car . I laughed when he pulled up in it . And asked if we could get all of our luggage in it . ( We could . ) We headed out and somewhere north of Atlanta it popped out of gear in the left lane , at highway speeds . Now , I might have a little post traumatic stress from the accident last week , but both of us yelped . Somehow 65MD managed to limp us over to the right shoulder without incident . At this point neither of us knew what had happened . we just felt a jolt and suddenly lost speed . I thought we 'd had a blow out . He saw nothing wrong externally with the car - all the tires were up . We limped up to the exit and pulled into a McDonald 's and called roadside assistance . The nice woman said that the particular model of car we had could be either and automatic or standard transmission depending on where the gear shift was located and it had probably just popped out of automatic into standard . She talked us through putting it back in automatic . 65MD drove while I passed instructions along . Everything seemed to be fine so we pressed on . It was early afternoon as we got to Atlanta and we were told it was best just to go through downtown at that time of day . I have no idea what my BP was but probably stroke level as we drove through . The traffic itself really wasn 't bad . I was totally freaked out about the possibility of the car slipping out of gear again . I prayed a lot and wondered if my friend Jan , who lives near Atlanta might be able to rescue us if something happened . Nothing happened in Atlanta . Just about an hour away from Savannah the check engine light came on . 65MD didn 't tell me because he was afraid I 'd make us walk the rest of the way . ( Like I could walk that far ! ) We got there in one piece and found our accommodations very nice . The next day , 65MD left for Savannah for the conference and I sat in the room reading because it was pouring rain . The day after that , 65MD got a major award at the conference and I continued spending time in the room because the weather was chilly and damp , although the rain had stopped . During the afternoon I found a nice room at the back of the hotel with a view of the ocean . The wall facing the water was all glass and the windows could be opened to let in the sea breeze . They were closed at this point but it was still quite nice to be out of the room and be able to read with a lovely view . The only down side was this was the room with the pool table and arcade games , so it was less than peaceful . Saturday made up for the other two days . It was very pleasant with plenty of sun and not too hot . As the day wore on , however , the gentle sea breeze turned into something more like gale force winds . The pool , which we were in , appeared to actually have current like a creek rather than a pool . Needless to say , it was quite cold when we got out . We went over to Wilmington Island for supper . We noted the roadside signs noting that during high tide that water may come over the roadway . We wondered when the last time that happened . We 'd been through that way during low tide and the water in the marshy area was gone . It was a mud bog . At other times , the water seemed to be several feet from the roadway . When we came back through after dinner , we discovered that the signs were right . The water was quite deep in some areas . We were glad for the warning signs then ! We got back to the hotel with no incident and were laughing about how we should take warnings more seriously , as 65MD was turning on the TV to get the football scores . Apparently , the TV comes up with emergency information automatically . The screen was showing safe places to go on the island in case of tsunami . ( We were on the Atlantic ocean . ) Somehow 65MD missed the part about " in case of emergency " and thought we were in real trouble . Remember the gale force winds and extremely high tide . He began to try to figure out where the safe places were and should we take our stuff or not . I said that I didn 't think we would have been allowed to come back to Tybee from Wilmington since it was further inland . We probably would have been directed to go the other way . Plus , no one else seemed to be evacuating . That is when he noticed that he was looking at an information channel rather than a news channel , so we did not embarrass ourselves by fleeing the hotel ! ! We got home yesterday afternoon without incident , even driving through Atlanta . We 'd had enough . It was a nice trip . It was nice to get away . I got a lot of reading done . I had packed four books . I finished two and am more than halfway through the third . 65MD and I had plenty of time to discuss life , plan , and just be . That is always good . Saturday was the first Saturday in a long time in which 65MD and I had nothing scheduled . No place to be , no one coming to our house , we weren 't going to any one 's , no demands , no deadlines , no nothing . And we were glad . We decided that we would truly make it a day of no demands . We would do what we wanted when we wanted for as long as we wanted . We have the perpetual household chores like everyone else . There is always something to be washed , swept , dusted , mown , etc . We opted to ignore those things , guilt free , for the day . We slept in . We read , We sat on the front porch . We sat in the back yard . We spoke to the neighbors . We checked football scores and watched a game . We did three loads of laundry - wash , dried & put away . We ( not me ) mowed the grass . We swept . Somehow with the pressure off , it wasn 't a big deal to throw in a load of clothes . They could wash while I read . Since there was no pressure to get to the next item on my list , I took the time to pretreat the collars and cuffs of 65MD 's dress shirts . I finished a book , I 'd been trying to finish for a long time . That even gave me a sense of accomplishment . When we went to bed , we were relaxed and happy . We weren 't concerned about what didn 't get crossed of the list . We were extra happy for the few bonus items that were done . It felt good . Yesterday my day started like most days . I woke up with a plan . I had a mental and physical check list of things to do . I am trying very hard not to get so wound up in calling a day good or bad based on the number of items I check off each day . Most of my deadlines are self imposed . If something doesn 't get done today , it can almost always be rolled over to tomorrow 's list . Google calendar is both a blessing and a curse in this respect . I can make lots of lists and plan weeks in advance . Of course all plans are out the window when my niece wants me . I like it that way . Although I find comfort in having a plan , I am glad that most of the time when I get a call to have fun , I can answer it with a resounding " YES ! " Still , I love my lists . First item on yesterday 's list was an appointment at the doctor . Nothing major just a follow up . As I drove there , I wondered how long the appointment would take . I 'd failed to pick up a book to pass the time , plus I had things to do . The longer the appointment the fewer items I 'd check off my list . I was stopped at a red light about a block from my destination . I was the second car in the lane . I was looking at something to my right , thinking about my plans and hoping to get a good parking spot . Then , I heard a horn blowing . It was the car in front of me . A car was headed towards it - head on ! The car was on the wrong side of the road and coming fast . The driver did not stop and crashed into the car in front of me sending that car in to me ! I totally freaked out . I called 65MD screaming " I had a wreck ! " over and over . I could not comprehend what he was saying to me in response . The woman in the car behind me did not get hit and called 911 immediately . She got out and checked on all three drivers . None of us seemed to be hurt . A pedestrian about to cross the street came to our aid as did another driver behind us . When it seemed that the damage was limited to our cars and not our bodies , I calmed and told 65MD to stay at work and I 'd keep him informed . The driver that caused the accident seemed disoriented and wandered around in the oncoming traffic . I asked the pedestrian if she felt the driver was impaired in some way and she did . In a bit , the driver got in the back seat of the car and stayed there . After about 10 or 15 minutes when the police had not arrived , I called the non emergency number to see what was going on . I was told that there had been several accidents in the area and help would arrive soon . I was also told by the doctor 's office that I was the third person to call that morning cancelling due to a car accident . So , we continued to wait . As we were about a block from the hospital , an ambulance came by . They stopped and asked if we were OK . We said that we were but perhaps the driver in the back seat of the other car might be hurt . They checked and came back quickly saying she was beyond their help . Soon after that a van came up in the lane beside the accident and asked the driver if she were OK . Then the people in the van began to yell at us saying the driver was terribly hurt and having seizures . They were angry with us for not calling 911 . We tried to explain that we had called twice . A man got out of the van and came over to us very upset that we had not taken car of this driver . I was getting fearful that we escaped injury with the accident only to get hurt on the sidewalk . Thankfully , the emergency vehicles arrived and the angry man and his van load of friends quickly left the scene . Four EMT 's and two officers quickly assessed the situation and got that driver in the ambulance . The poor , sweet woman in the middle car insisted that she was fine other than a headache and declined medical care as did I . ( We had both been standing in the sun for 40 minutes , I had a headache and felt nauseous and faint , but I knew I 'd be fine with a cold glass of water . ) The officer got my information and then since my car was still drivable , I was asked to leave the scene so that the tow truck could get to the other two cars . I was quite rattled and did not feel comfortable moving my car . I asked the officer to do it for me , but he very politely declined . Instead , he very patiently helped me get the car out of the tight spot and stopped traffic so that I could pull into the lane safely . I came home and drank a cherry coke zero because it was the strongest thing I had in the house , and got in the bath tub . I texted 65MD to let him know I was home . When I got out of the tub , let my family know what happened and that I was OK . I laid down . I read for a bit . I played games on Facebook and I did not do one thing on my to do list - at all . And it was fine . Another weekend has zipped by . I worked hard and a lot of progress was made - just not on the floor . My younger sister was in town ( YS ) from midday Friday until Monday afternoon . She was here to help my older sister ( OS ) help our mother clear out and pack up her house . Being us , we started the weekend Friday night with a birthday party for the three sisters ! ! ! It was a great time and then we had even more fun sifting through the debris of 50 + years of life for the rest of the weekend . We started early Saturday and worked until well into the evening . Then again on Sunday afternoon through early evening . We drug everything out of the attic . That , my friends , was no small feat . We went through every spider infested box and relived many happy days of childhood . Even though a lot of what we pulled out would be considered by most as trash , we saw it as it was that Christmas morning when we opened it . Or , recalled happy hours playing with it . Surprisingly , a lot of the games still had all of the pieces . We had no issues dividing the spoils between the three of us , our mother , Goodwill , or the trash can . I don 't think there was anything that two of us wanted at the same time . The closes thing was a few cookbooks we all remembered . There were plenty so , we each took some and there was enough to go around . That really wasn 't a surprise . My biggest surprise was there were no tears , no even tears of nostalgia ! OS took most of the toys and dolls because she has grandchildren . It was fine with YS and me . OS insisted that if at anytime one of us had a child in our life that wanted anything she had , she would give it up . Personally , I was just glad my baby dolls found a good home . We were very in to Barbies . At this point , all of the dolls and her accompanying clothes , houses , cars , etc . remain at my mother 's house . We are going to sort through them more closely and then decide what to do with them . We also found some giant magazines from the early 1970 's . I had forgotten that magazines were ever that large . We are wondering if there is a collectors market for those things . We saved them along with a few games that remain in exceptionally good condition . We will see if there is a market for those as well . In my mind the attic was going to be the worst . That is where most of our toys and games wound up . There are still five bedrooms and closets to go . Most of that will be packed to move with her . The rest will be divvied up between us or sold . There could be a yard sale in our future . My mother is already packing the non essentials . That is a task she can do as she has time and energy . We won 't all be able to be together again until Christmas . In the meantime , various nephews , nieces and in - laws will get together each month and keep the progress going . We drove by the new home site and they 've started moving dirt around to level the lot . The spring will be here soon and the house will be ready . Packing and clearing out the house is the biggest obstacle . We have already had offers on the house and it isn 't even on the market yet ! |
Upon entering , Kenneth disappeared into the kitchen , while Tuesday tossed aside a pillow and reluctantly sat down upon the ratty sofa . There was that day 's newspaper covering a stack of magazines on the coffee table . Tuesday pushed away the newspapers to reveal the magazines - her eyes widened as she saw the top one . London was everything she hoped it 'd be . She had a few days before filming began , so Tuesday decided to spend the day shopping . She walked out of the hotel that morning and noticed a suited driver leaning against a big shiny car . She was going to pass by , but the driver seemed to catch her eye and give a slow nod . The car pulled up in front of a large London estate . " It 's beautiful , " Tuesday said , admiring the house , though confused as to why he brought her there . " Whoever lives here is very lucky . " Kenneth put his hand to Tuesday 's cheek , then leaned in and kissed her . He smiled . " I never said I was a struggling painter . " To Be Continued . . . Posted by Heading out on the road with a suitcase full of cash , is very high on my list of recommendations for just about everybody . At first , you don 't have a problem in the world , but after the initial glow fades , you realize that you have a large responsibility . What to do ? What to do ? The research that I was doing for the king was still valuable , but now , with my windfall , I had to consider upgrading my general plan . I needed to relax and think . The South is great in the winter and I was lucky again . Just when I was unsure which way to point the van , God , in his infinite wisdom gave me a sign . It read , WELCOME TO MODIFIED COUNTRY - TONIGHT - OUTLAWS . Fantastic , a little diner dinner , and then an outlaw stock car event . I wondered if there 'd be any super sprints . Open wheel cars are downright hairy . The greatest part is , when you are at a stock car race , you know you 're in America . You can feel it . The stands were full , and I couldn 't help gawking at some of the " real characters " that you see at these events . The guy sitting next to me was a skinny redneck - looking dude , about sixty , with a butch - waxed head , and a grease - stained Iskendarian tee shirt . He started right in , telling me about the track , and the cars , and the history of the whole town . I started right in being polite , showing a little respect , you know , faking it . It wasn 't long though , before my condescension turned to real respect . This man was a walking encyclopedia . I couldn 't get a word in , and I didn 't want to . Racing and politics . Racing and religion . Racing and just about everything . The " feature " was a real heart stopper . A number of spectacular multiple car wrecks , and three separate battles for position developed every time the announcer yelled " we go green " . After twenty nine laps of " the real deal " , everybody was disappointed that the race finished under the yellow . " That just ain 't right " . I felt the same way . They say " when the green flag drops , the bullshit stops " , but what they don 't say is , when the © Fred Sottile " The Clean Scar " is a short story by T . C . De Witt . To learn more about T . C . , visit his blog . The Clean Scarby T . C . De Witt Sarah 's mama had a scar across her face that was deep and forever pink ; her left hand was missing the smallest two fingers , but she was not frightening to look upon . She had a kindness about her that was more constant and more powerful . Sarah did not fear her , and no one in their small village had an unkind word to say about her . She had gotten the scar and lost the fingers when Sarah was five years old . When Mr . Cohen had lost control of his plow , it rolled directly into their barn as Mama was hanging laundry across the line . The manic plow tore the wooden structure to shreds with her in it . The whole village went into an immediate uproar at the injury , and they went after Cohen . But Mama came to , Sarah weeping at her side and uncertain what would be underneath all the bloody bandages , Mama stood , pushed passed the doctor , and strode into the town square to tell everyone that Cohen was not to be blamed . He was a good man , and she did not blame him . Sarah loved her mother , for her heart was so big . No one bothered Mr . Cohen after Mama said not to . And no one said anything about the scars . The pounding on the door woke Sarah abruptly . She was eight now . She leaned over the edge of her bed and peered down at the center room as Mama shuffled in her nightdress to the door . " I 'm coming . I 'm coming , " Mama shouted and then muttered , " At this hour . Who would be out ? " She opened the door and a man fell face down at her feet . She yelped in surprise . Sarah sat bolt upright in her bed . The man did not move . He seemed to lie there motionless , and Sarah wondered how he had ever managed to pound on the door . He looked dead now , not that she had ever seen such a thing . Sarah could see this mysterious visitor now . He was in some sort of uniform . She had frequently seen other men dressed like him in the village over the past months . The uniform was an ugly brownish - grey , and around the right arm was a red badge of sorts with a white circle and a strange crooked black cross in the center . Sarah had asked Mama what the men were , but Mama would never say . She would just smile and say , " They are just passing through , my little mouse . They are nothing . " Mama dragged the man carefully into the entry and grabbed a blanket off the chair by the fireplace . " What is your name , son ? " she said softly . " My dear , " she spoke to Sarah now , " bring me the pitcher and some rags . " " Is he dying ? " Sarah asked quietly as she slid off her bed and moved to the ladder . She kept her eyes upon the man ; he was breathing loudly , a rattling in his throat . The man coughed , and crimson came from his lips . He moaned and clutched at the wound in his chest . A pool of blood formed at his throat and dribbled to the floor . " That … that 's … " he was looking to the window were the menorah had three lit candles flickering gently . " That … " His eyes seemed to roll in and out of focus but came to rest upon the pink scar . He took a sharp breath of surprise and then coughed . He looked away . " L - lionel , " he muttered . " Karr . " Sarah set down the pitcher of water and the rags and then stepped back . Her toes curled under her feet and she thought about going up to her slippers . It was winter , December , and the floor was very chilled in the night . She wondered if she should add a log to the dwindling fire . She wondered if the man would want food . She kept wondering about anything other than the blood dripping to the floor underneath the man . The man had a blanket over his body and his eyes were tightly closed . He was breathing slowly , and looked very peaceful . Rising , Mama moved to her . Sarah had crawled up onto the chair facing the fire and was hugging her knees . " Will you keep an eye on our friend ? I need to go ask Doc Walsh for something for the wound . " " I can go , " Sarah said quickly . She moved to stand , but Mama put her hands softly upon her shoulders and kept her in the chair . " Just look after him . He 'll sleep . " The soldier groaned in his sleep and Sarah turned to look at him . He moved slightly and touched his bandage . His eyes flickered open and Sarah looked at his face completely , for the first time . He was young . His skin was smooth , but he had purple under his eyes , which were odd to her . One was brown and one was green . She had never seen such a thing . Their eyes held , but then he drifted back to sleep and she was left staring once more at his young face . She moved to the fire and without realizing it , she fell asleep . " You know you saved my life ? " the soldier 's voice came in the darkness behind Sarah 's eyes as she came out of her deep slumber . Mama 's voice came , " You were hurt . What else would anyone have done ? " The man with the different colored eyes was gone when Sarah awoke to the warm sun cast upon her face the next morning . She stirred and a blanket that had been draped over her fell to the floor . She looked around to the kitchen and found Mama , her back to her , at the stove . Sarah stood and then pulled the blanket back over her shoulders . Though the sun was warm , it was still winter and the cold snuck into the cottage easily . In the kitchen , she stood alongside Mama and rested her head into Mama 's arm . Mama lifted her arm about , and , still stirring the breakfast porridge , stoked Sarah 's dark hair with her three - fingered hand . They did not speak about the man who had fallen through their door . Some time came and went , a soon Sarah had grown many inches and Mama 's hair had become a little more white than any of her blonde . They were walking from market when Sarah saw a crowd gathered around Mr . Cohen 's shop . They were all laughing and some even clapping . Mr . Cohen was standing a top his display and stomping carelessly over his tomatoes while shouting at two men in the ugly soldier 's uniforms . They had rifles slung over their shoulders , but they were not using them . " You tell your master he has no place here ! You tell your god forsaken devil of a master that he will burn for what he is doing ! " Cohen was screaming louder and more franticly as he avoided the grasps of the soldiers , though they did not seem to be trying too hard to capture him . Cohen went on , shouting to the gathered crowd now , " They 're going to take us all away , you hear me ? They are going to take us to those structures they 've raised and we 'll never be seen again ! They have machines there ! They have contraptions that - that take the souls out of people ! They have machines and death and - and we 'll all be destroyed ! Do you not hear me ? Their soulless , unclean devil master is - is coming down like - like a dragon ! " The crowd laughed at the crazed man as he kicked squashed tomatoes at the two men . Sarah looked confusedly at her mother , and then moved to get a closer look , but Mama held her hand . " No , let 's not be involved . We have shopping to do . " It was winter again , and the wind was biting . It sliced into the house and Sarah 's teeth chattered ever waking moment . She was nearly twelve now . She waited for the clock to chime so that she could put another log down , when a heavy pounding sounded at the door . Mama was out , so Sarah moved to answer the door . Sarah hesitated . " Who … ? " she began , but the door tore open with a snap of wood at the bolt . She screamed in horror and stumbled back . A man in the strange military uniform stepped swiftly into her home and was followed by two more men with guns in their hands . The lead man shouted angrily at Sarah , and in her fright , she did not hear a word . He grabbed her around the wrist and she screamed loudly . She did not know where her mother was . She could not think . She could not feel her feet as the man pulled her into the snowy yard and toward the market . He kept yelling at her and the other men . She could feel the edges of her nightgown growing damp and she knew her feet were covered in mud now . The market was full of people , everyone for the village it seemed . And they were all shouting and crying , and they were all so confused . Sarah was screaming for her mother , but she was crying too hard to know if the words were even escaping her throat . She was thrown into the muddy snow at the feet of so many , and tears were in her eyes . And she thought she could hear her mother shouting over the chaos . Sarah got to her feet with the help of some hands and she could see a parting in the crowd before her . It was her mother she heard . The soldiers were moving into a half circle facing the villagers , and Mama was before them forcing them back . She was raising her voice , and it was an unfamiliar sound ; it was something none of them had ever heard . Sarah 's mama was shouting . " You get back ! You all get back ! Now ! All of you ! " Mama carried on . She had tomatoes in her basket , and she was now throwing them at the men , and it was not funny like when Mr . Cohen had been doing it . No one was laughing now . It was quiet and only the wind now dared hiss in the village square . " WAS IS LOS ! " a voice boomed and the soldier turned sharply along with the other men in the uniforms . " What is this ! " the voiced repeated and a man stepped through the ranks . The strange uniformed men all seemed to snap into a straight posture and looked forward with rigid stares . This man was in a different uniform , cleaner and more warmly dressed . He had a thick black beard that covered the bottom of his face , but it did not soften his yell . He marched over to the man pointing the pistol at Mama and barked at him , " What is the meaning of this scene ? " " Then you end it ! " the other barked viciously . He snatched the pistol and walked closer to Mama . He looked down at her and raised his arm straight . Sarah screamed in horror and shoved her way out of the silent crowd . She flung herself over her mother and put herself between the gun and its target . The man shouted and waved his flinching soldiers back . " Nein ! " He moved to the mother and the child and pulled Sarah off Mama . Sarah looked up at the man defiantly , unblinking . Karr turned sharply and faced the man and all the men . He shouted again in a very authoritative voice , " This saboteur is believed to be English , and he is on the move East . We must track him down before he can destabilize anymore of our missions . We must move NOW if we are to capture this man . " The men hesitated for only an instant , and then all of them moved every which way with purpose . They grabbed up crates and filled up their vehicles . They moved in organization without ever looking back once for any more orders . Karr looked down upon Mama and Sarah ; he looked up at the shocked yet still silent village . He said nothing . He looked into Mama 's scarred face one last time and then turned on his heels and stomped away . Before the sun could warm into Spring , the village was empty . Mr . Cohen 's field was overgrown and thick with tomatoes , but he was not there to pick them . Sarah heard that the buildings in the North that had the contraptions that took people 's souls were getting bigger and there were tales of more of them , but she did not listen to the tales . She laughed with the others and smiled with her Mama as they moved further and further from the village . She never asked questions . No one did , that she ever heard . © T . C . De Witt Conversation with Kenneth seemed effortless . They talked about their respective backgrounds - Tuesday was an east coast transplant , while Kenneth had grown up in Los Angeles - and their current lives . Portions of their current lives , anyway . Tuesday discussed her motivation and desire to act , but she stopped before mentioning the modeling she 'd already done , the steps she 'd already taken . What was wrong with her ? She wasn 't ashamed of the pictures . She never thought she 'd be so bothered by anyone 's preconceived notions . Tuesday smiled . He had his own vision of her , not what the magazines told him to think . She pushed her plate slightly to the side and leaned closer to her over the table . " Tell me more about your paintings , " Tuesday said . She listened as he described his passion for art . Tuesday was focused on his words until she noticed , out of the corner of her eye , a pack of teenagers rise from the corner booth and head towards her . She turned her face slightly , an useless attempt to hide behind her hair . Tuesday put her hand to her head in disbelief . " But that can 't be . . . no , Henry , you 're wrong . Liz Jones got the part , that was months ago . " Tuesday glanced out the car window as they sat at a stop light . In less than a week she 'd be in a new city , full of unfamiliar faces and sights . Her heart beat with excitement . Twin moons hung in slivered crescents , peeking through the scattered clouds . Fog flowed from the coast in wispy pseudopodia toward the inland woods . Leafless branches cast oddly twisted shadows in the wan moons ' light . Early evenfall should have lent Keedrina more security . It didn 't . The shadows plagued her and she was sure she heard voices in the forest . Her heartbeat quickened at the prospect of discovery . If Mother found out , she 'd beat her harder than a muddy rug and lock her indoors for several years . Keedrina pressed on through the thickets , resisting the urge to run . Running would draw more attention if she was right about being watched and not merely being paranoid . Six months of clever artifice , though rewarding , came with a price . The strain of constant deception wore on Keedrina 's nerves ; she 'd never meant it to go on this long . She 'd only wanted to meet the Elva farmhands that worked the field by her house , to talk to them a little . The reading lessons weren 't even her idea . Botlop had offered when she admitted she couldn 't read the note he brought her . She should tell him . Keedrina bit her lip , considering just how to bring it up . She wasn 't who he thought . She wasn 't even what he thought . She crouched at the edge of the wood to allow the pounding in her chest to subside . Warily , she glanced over her shoulder . No one had followed ; nothing seemed awry . She inhaled deeply , stood , gazed one last time at the forest , then turned and stepped into the clearing . Keedrina sat on a weathered bench in an abandoned gazebo and lit three votive candles , sheltering them from the wind in clay cups . This meeting spot was far enough from home that Mother had never caught her and Botlop likely assumed the nearby farm was her family 's . Keedrina never disabused him of that notion . She looked up and scanned the darkening horizon . Botlop always came as soon as he finished work . Throughout the summer and harvest it had been light at this hour , but the days grew shorter as winter impended . Botlop waved as he approached . He was lean and vigorous ; wisps of curly black hair dangled over his brow , his buckskins an inch too short for his legs . Keedrina waved back , then checked her dark brown braid as she lowered her hand . It was still pinned over her ear . He arrived and flashed a winning smile . His gray eyes sparkled in the candlelight . Keedrina smiled , craning her neck to catch a glimpse of what he carried . Though she longed to read more , Keedrina found herself strangely relieved . She still hungered as much as ever to learn about the intriguing yet forbidden Elva . Maybe if they limited their clandestine meetings to once a week , she wouldn 't feel so guilty . She 'd have to find a way to dampen her mother 's growing hopes that she aspired toward the magehood . Using communing with the Wood Nymphs as an excuse to leave the house every evening had created an unexpected backlash in that respect . But could she continue to deceive the young man who 'd been so patient with her ? Botlop sat and scooted close to her on the bench . " Maybe now you 'd let me meet your parents ? " He took her hand . " I 'd like to ask them if I could court you , Keedrina . " Her jaw dropped . She looked down at her feet as she disengaged her hand from his . Even if she loved him , even if she were old enough , it would still be impossible . " B - Botlop ? I c - can 't . " He sighed . " What is it ? I 'll have land one day . I 'd take good care of you . I thought you liked me . " Of course she liked him - as a teacher and a friend . But that wasn 't what he meant . She weighed using her age as excuse , but that would have led to her secret . If she were Elva , sixteen would be old enough to marry . Somehow , the secret she had minutes earlier hoped to disclose now seemed cruel to consider divulging . She took a quick breath . " I like you , Botlop , but I 'm really not worthy of you . You don 't know anything about my family . I 'm sorry . I never dreamed you felt this way . I didn 't mean to mislead you . " Botlop fumbled with the tattered book . He opened his mouth as if to speak , but no words came . Suddenly , he stood and turned , scanning the farmlands . Keedrina looked up , startled by his abrupt rise . He set a staying hand to her arm as she began to stand . Keedrina frowned . She heard nothing but the wind sighing through bare branches . She searched the shadows but found nothing amiss in the encroaching night . Keedrina was bewildered . Why would he run off like that ? Surely it wasn 't because of her awkward rebuff ? She kept her seat until she heard something - far off screams and unintelligible commotion . Keedrina stood and ran after Botlop . She could hardly see the ground in front of her , but the further she ran down the dirt path , the more her dread increased . As she passed a line of trees , she saw her farmhouse in the distance - on fire . Fear for her family flooded her mind . Horror quickened her footsteps to a frenzied pace . Courage crept into Julia 's heart as storm clouds crept through the sky over Source Lake . The wind hadn 't picked up yet and the lake was still wrinkle free , but that would soon change . She promised herself she would ask for her father 's blessing on this trip and she wouldn 't leave without it . She had maybe twenty more minutes before the rain would sheet down . Julia went to the fishing pole at the front of her skiff , The Lucky Cyclops , and slowly reeled in the line . She unhooked her bobber and tore off the worm . " I hate to give you a free meal , " Julia joked , " but … " she tossed the worm into the water . The Lucky Cyclops was her father 's attempt to make her feel better about the loss of her left eye ten years ago . At the time , his joke devastated her , but she had since grown used to the idea and learned that her sense of humor could save her life , but mostly it just helped her get through the day . She treasured the boat now . It was where she would come to talk with her dad since he passed away . Julia noticed with regret that she talked to her dad more after he died than she ever did while he was alive . He didn 't seem so stern , and as she got older she would catch glimpses of his sense of humor in her memories that she hadn 't noticed the first time around . Maybe he just didn 't know how to talk to kids . Or maybe he just plain refused to talk down to anyone . Either way , she wished she had been more confident when he was around . He was the only person who found her special and interesting , and she wished she had thanked him for that . A bell clanged from shore just as she finished locking off the line of her bobbing pole and she headed back to her casting rod . Everyone at the pier joked with her about coming out to this spot so often . She never caught a single fish in this small bay , and they knew it . But she welcomed the jokes . If people didn 't know the truth about this place then she could keep it to herself . Just a few more long casts before heading back to the dock . She brought up the subject already , but she still had not landed an answer . Perhaps her specter father was angry with her . She knew he thought she was settling for Thomas . Her dad had told her several times that he 'd rather see her alone forever than settle for someone who doesn 't deserve her . He didn 't want her to sell herself short because of her one eye , which maybe she was . But guys weren 't rushing to be with an uneducated , one - eyed girl with no future . And Thomas had been with her for a while now . Sure , he was a gin runner and hung with some unsavory types , but he was loyal and sometimes he was the only one who could make her feel better . Her pole bent . Finally , some sort of answer . She pulled and reeled , pulled and reeled . The drag on this one was pulling The Luck Cyclops backward in the water . She began to feel the first drops of rain break through her thin hair and tickle her head . Whatever his response , it was heavy . Usually her snags were small . A corset , lacy and lovely , that she wore to her baby sister 's wedding . She found two shoes from different pairs but tied together anyhow . She began wearing them ten days later after her boot got stuck , suctioned in the mud and the sole ripped off . Even her powdered blue eye patch was a snag . Slowly , out of the shadows , a white figure began to ascend . Its big form lolled patiently towards her . It certainly couldn 't fit inside of her cooler . She 'd be unable to hide it . It looked like a body . Momentarily she panicked . Momentarily the white figure was Thomas . Then it was her father 's corpse . Why would he do that ? His answers were usually obscure and undecipherable , but that would be cruel , and he never was that . Julia 's shoulders burned and her hands hurt on the reel , but she wanted his answer and she refused to give up . Finally , after holding her breath from straining , the object surfaced and spread out on the top of the ripples . Julia caught her breath , and a tear hidden within rain fell from her eye , the eye that still allowed her to see and to feel . She put her pole down and cautiously crouched , reaching over the side . She pulled the sleeve , and as lightning lit up the world she raised her wedding dress out of the water . © Fionnegan Justus Murphywww . fionnegan . com Today is the beginning of my short story series Tenacious Tuesday . I will post a portion every Tuesday for the next several months . Be sure to check back to see how the story continues ! She knew he wouldn 't cut the date short . It wasn 't because he liked her - Tuesday could barely get a word in edgewise , did he even notice her there ? - but because he could brag to his friends that he went out with this month 's It Girl . A photo spread of her had just appeared in the country 's highest read men 's magazine . Her pear - shaped figure was the new trend . Men taped bikini - clad photographs of her in their bedrooms ; both sexes admired a photo of her clad in a robe with a deep V in the back , exposing her smooth skin . All fell under the heading " His Girl Tuesday . " She wasn 't sure about the possessive headline , but she couldn 't complain . She was one step closer to her dream of being an actress . Tuesday stared at him . She wished she could pull off throwing a drink in his face , but she 'd never been able to exit smoothly . Instead , she carefully folded her napkin and walked out of the restaurant without a word . She stood on the sidewalk as she waited for the valet to bring her car to the front of the restaurant . Another dull date , another man she 'd never see again . Her friend Mindy kept setting her up , but Tuesday wished to focus solely on her career . Anyway , they had all been duds - she wanted someone fun , creative . Tuesday looked up . She hadn 't noticed the man standing next to her , He smiled as their eyes met . He was average height , slender , with wavy blond hair and blue eyes . Tuesday found him attractive , but she was used to ignoring the dozens of pickup lines she had heard recently . No wonder he wasn 't at this restaurant often , Tuesday realized . A painter couldn 't afford the prices . He looked at Tuesday and asked what she did . Tuesday couldn 't help but hesitate - was he just being nice ? All month she 'd been recognized . Could she really be a nameless face to this adorable painter ? Adapting a novel or short story into a screenplay or short script can be a challenging yet rewarding experience . In prose , a writer has the luxury of an endless amount of paragraphs to impart needed backstory and information about characters or plot . In a script , a writer must find a way to convey these details in the characters ' dialogue or actions . As a screenplay reader , I often read scripts in which the writer uses narrative to tell the reader vital facts about the characters . This is a no - no , because a movie viewer isn 't reading the screenplay as they watch the film . The outdoor mall was the wrong place to choose for my lunch break . In an attempt to distance myself from the summer crowds , I huddled under a vast free - standing umbrella , desperate for a spot of shade . I would 've been bothered had I not been in a jubilant mood . My career was booming . I was the leader of a medical team that had just finished a successful round of tests on a new sedative . Prisons and hospitals would benefit from the new drug , meant to calm criminals or the mentally ill . My boss beamed when he gave me the good news . He told me to expect a newspaper article within the next few days . My photograph would be in the newspaper . Since I did not want to use voice over in the script , I opted to create a phone conversation between the protagonist and his wife . It was important to retain the protagonist 's self - satisfied tone . In the opening of the script ( below ) , the details about the protagonist 's work and the sedative are mentioned conversationally , rather than stated outright in the prose : A sunny and warm summer day . CAMPBELL PETERS , 30s , dressed in a business suit , stands in a spot of shade . Campbell has a debonair but slightly arrogant demeanor . He talks on his cellular phone . CAMPBELLThe meeting was superb . I don ' tthink Louis could be a prouderboss . I 'll be written up in thepaper in a few days . ( beat ) Well , why wouldn 't they include mypicture ? It 's not everyday someonecreates a new sedative to calmcriminals . ( laughing ) I know , it creeps you out . I 'd love to hear from others about changes they 've had to make while adapting their writing ! Local Call was originally published as part of an anthology in Scary Stories , Series # 002 ( currently out of print ) . Since then , I have also adapted the story into a short script . Look for a future post about adapting fiction into scripts . The outdoor mall was the wrong place to choose for my lunch break . In an attempt to distance myself from the summer crowds , I huddled under a vast free - standing umbrella , desperate for a spot of shade . I would 've been bothered had I not been in a jubilant mood . My career was booming . I was the leader of a medical team that had just finished a successful round of tests on a new sedative . Prisons and hospitals would benefit from the new drug , meant to calm criminals or the mentally ill . My boss beamed when he gave me the good news . He told me to expect a newspaper article within the next few days . My photograph would be in the newspaper . I took out my cellular phone , ready to call my wife to discuss dinner plans . Before I could dial our home number , I noticed a tall man eyeing me . More specifically , eyeing my phone . I could see why . It was a brand - new cell phone - not just a phone , but a personal organizer as well . It stored numbers , addresses and my schedule . It was still shiny , and there were no nicks in the screen yet . The man looked at me pleadingly . He would have been quite striking , with his sandy blond hair and prominent eyebrows , but he wore a torn shirt and filthy pants that barely covered dirt - covered sneakers . I noticed his shoelaces were untied . He was sweating profusely , despite the fact that his clothing was appropriate for the day 's weather . In contrast , I was dressed in a dark suit , but my forehead was perspiration - free . I was reluctant , but I stopped walking . I couldn 't bring myself to pretend that I didn 't hear him . When I turned , his face was less than five inches from mine . I gasped and instinctively stepped back several feet . " May I borrow your phone ? " he pleaded . I hesitated . I didn 't want anyone touching my new phone , much less a stranger that seemed to need a bath . The man held out his hand . I didn 't say anything . I sighed and managed to hand him the phone . I watched to make sure he dialed only seven numbers and then tried to act nonchalant as he put the phone to his ear . My eyes lingered on his grimy fingernails . The man glanced at me nervously . He mumbled two or three sentences into the phone that I didn 't understand . I didn 't even recognize the language , but then , foreign language had never been my strong suit . The man closed the phone and handed it to me . He lingered as he dropped the phone into my hand . I felt what seemed like a quick shock on my palm . I pulled away . That night I reclined in bed with my wife , watching the local news . I told her about my boss 's words . She didn 't respond , for breaking news on the television captured her attention . The newscaster began , " The male murderer known as the Killer Surfer , who was responsible for three deaths near the beach early this summer , has struck again . The bodies of a man and woman were found late this evening , leading police to believe the murder happened sometime this afternoon . They are notifying neighborhoods to keep windows and doors locked , use their alarm systems , and most importantly , do not open your door to any strangers . . . " " With the help of eyewitnesses , we finally have a police sketch to show viewers , " the newscaster continued . " These drawings always look the same , " my wife said with a yawn . The sketch appeared onscreen . I was immediately fixated . Those heavy eyebrows . I tried to explain , but my descriptions were all over the place . I needed proof . Finally , I jumped out of bed and rummaged through my briefcase , searching for my phone . I knew for a fact that the numbers of all outgoing calls were stored in a file on the phone . The pocket in which I usually put my phone was empty . I ran my hands around the bottom of the briefcase , but my phone wasn 't there . I dumped out all the contents . Nothing . My wife looked nervous . I could tell she didn 't want me to go outside . As much as I wanted to find my phone , it wasn 't worth a big argument . I agreed to search in the morning . The phone didn 't turn up in the car , and it didn 't turn up in my office . I sat at my desk and called my phone service to report a lost phone . The last thing I needed was some thief making calls from my phone number and pawing through my personal information . Once I stated my name and address , the company worker on the other end of the telephone asked for my cancellation password . " Wilma , " I said . My wife 's middle name had been an easy password to remember . She despised the name . She thought it sounded old - fashioned . By this point I was barely listening . I finished work early , eager to return home . I tried to call my wife to give her a heads up , but the phone kept ringing . I guessed she stepped out to chat with a neighbor . Her car was in the garage , so I parked in the driveway . I walked up the front steps and took out my house key . I shoved it in the lock and tried to turn . It didn 't budge . On closer inspection , the key didn 't seem to fit at all . What was wrong ? Was my wife nervous enough about the Killer Surfer to call the locksmith ? She hadn 't mentioned it that morning . " Key isn 't working , " I hollered , pounding louder . Finally , the door opened . There stood the man from the mall - the eyebrows , the man from the news , the Killer Surfer . My heart raced . " Get out of my house ! " I searched in my pocket for my phone , then remembered it was gone . Still , I threatened , " I 'm calling the police . " The man began to close the door . " I don 't know what your problem is , but this is my home . I 've lived here for five years . " I feared for Katherine . Her car was there , which led me to believe that she was inside the house . I imagined her trapped in a closet , her hands tied behind her back , her mouth gagged . She was probably frightened and crying . I snuck around to the back of the house . Our back door had never been as secure as the front - as I thought of this , I realized that the man could have used this same method to enter our home . I crouched behind the door and listened . I heard a sizzling sound , and after a minute , a faint humming . I tried to breathe as silently as possible . I knew I had to look through the window , but I dreaded what I might see . Slowly , I straightened my back until I was eye - level with the window . There I saw Katherine , standing over the stove , mindlessly stirring a pot of potatoes . She was humming a soft melody . My wife whipped her head to the side and shrieked when she saw me . " Paul ! " she screamed . I expected her to run to the window , but she seemed frozen . " Paul ! " The man ran in the kitchen . He looked at Katherine , then directly at me . " That 's it , " he said . " I 'm calling the police . " Then the Killer Surfer crossed our kitchen and picked up our telephone . His hands were clean this time . Katherine put her clean hand in his . I didn 't see the rest . I ran . I ran around the side of the house to my car . I reached for my keys , but my pockets were empty . I briefly contemplated returning to the back of the house , to search for the keys in the grass , but somehow I knew I wouldn 't find them there . I spent the night in my office at the hospital . No one greeted me , but I didn 't care . I needed to be left alone , to make sense of what was happening to my life . By morning , I couldn 't take it anymore . At the earliest bit of sunlight , I headed outdoors . I stopped at the corner to buy a cup of coffee . I gave my order to the man working there , but he just stared at me . " Wait here , " he muttered , and disappeared through the hospital doors . SelfScribes is a new blog designed to feature writing of self - published and indie authors . Content includes , but is not limited to , short stories , excerpts from novels , excerpts from screenplays or plays , opinion pieces and articles . Fiction and script writing should be from unpublished or self - published works , or previously published but no longer in print ; articles may have been featured in print or web publications . Lindsey works as a freelance writer and screenplay reader in L . A . Her articles about screenwriting have appeared in MovieMaker magazine and she spent several years as the Shoes & Accessories Feature Writer for website Suite101 . Lindsey 's self - published novel DIMENSIONS is available in print copy and on Amazon Kindle . |
I just wanted to give a quick update from South Carolina . . . . . Yes , we are in South Carolina , so that means that Raegan is out of the hospital . Praise the Lord ! Some of you may not know that Friday the 18th , we took her to the ER because she was breathing really fast ( she has RSV ) . They admitted her that night thinking it was pneumonia , put her on oxygen , and sent us in an ambulance to Children 's Hospital . The radiologists at Children 's determined that it was bronchiolitis , not pneumonia , but her oxygen saturation was still low , so we had to stay in the hospital until Sunday afternoon . She is a lot better , but still on the mend . Thank you for all your prayers . I really believe that the Lord healed her . And we are so grateful , because when the doc tells you that your three month old has pneumonia , when they stick her with ivs , and put her on oxygen , it is pretty scary . Because of this , I missed Arnold 's graduation . : ( Thank goodness his family was in town . I will try to post pictures later . So , Raegan is better , Arnold is officially officially officialy Dr . , and me , Peyton , and Raegan are in SC visiting family . We had a great Christmas , got a lot of wonderful gifts , and are having a great time ! I hope you and your family had a great Christmas too ! I have a sick baby at home . We found out on Wednesday that Raegan has RSV . We are having to do breathing treatments for her and really monitor her breathing , etc . Please say a prayer for her healing ! We had an interesting weather experience this weekend . It 's been raining cats and dogs in New Orleans the whole month of December . This Saturday was no exception as it poured rain for hours and hours . The ground is already soggy from so much rain , and it began to flood . Arnold left the house right before it started raining , and when he tried to come back a few hours later , he was stuck ! All the streets around our apartment were flooded . After riding around for about an hour , he finally found a dry spot to leave the car three blocks or so from our apartment , and then he began to walk back . His jeans were soaked almost up to his knees . I was so thankful that I was not out in the weather with the girls . What would I have done ? Arnold said the animals were starting to line up two by two at the Winn - Dixie down the street . Ha ! Here are some random things about this Friday , and well , just some random things . . . . . . . . 1 . It is cold today ! BBBBBBRRRRR ! ! ! ! 2 . I went to daycare to check on Raegan and stopped in Peyton 's class on the way . They were eating cupcakes . Peyton had her back to me at the table , and she wouldn 't even hardly acknowledge me . I guess she didn 't want me to take her home or feared that I would take her cupcake from her . That girl loves to eat ! 3 . Speaking of Raegan , she is refusing to take her bottle again . 4 . I have not done one minute of Christmas shopping , but I probably won 't go tonight because it 's too cold ! 5 . My apartment has smelled like a wet dog most recently and I can 't figure out why . 6 . Tonight would be a great night to snuggle up on the couch , drink some hot chocolate and watch a Christmas movie . When I was young , I was a morning person . As I became a teenager , I developed into a night owl . Now I just want sleep . I just want to go to bed early and wake up late . When you have young kids though , that doesn 't happen . Sure you can go to bed early with the kids , but then nothing gets done , laundry , etc . I have to work too , so this creates a dilemma . I decided the other week that I need something to help me in the mornings . I don 't want to drink a ton of caffeine because I am still nursing , but I need something to help . I think I may have found an alternative . . . . instant caramel cappuccino from Community Coffee ( I think CC is a New Orleans brand ) . I know there 's instant coffee involved , so I 'm hoping there 's a little bit of caffeine , but not enough to make me go crazy . It doesn 't say in the ingredient list that there 's any caffeine , so I 'm assuming maybe it 's not too much ? ? Maybe it 's psychological that I feel better after drinking it , but either way , it 's a nice treat in the mornings . Arnold and I hired a babysitter the other night and left the house , by ourselves , with no kids . WOW ! We went to a Christmas party for his work and enjoyed a great party with awesome catered food . . . crabs , shrimp , catfish , gumbo , jambalaya . We actually had to drive an hour or so north across the lake for the party , right out of the city limits to a little town called Folsolm . I actually saw stars in the sky ! And it was cold ! I LOVE Christmas parties . . . the food , decorations , the music , games , Christmas sweaters , and rockin around the Christmas tree . Do you love Christmas parties ? In the top picture , Peyton 's puppy had obviously been bad , so she put it in time out . Apparently , Mary , Joseph , and Belle were acting up too , so Peyton also put them in time out . You can 't turn your back on Mary and Joseph for a second , and they 're acting up ! Peyton standing by the tree . Apparently Cinderella ( in the blue ) and Belle ( in yellow ) showed up for the birth of Jesus . They must have come with the shepherds . Our Charlie Brown tree . Raegan was all slobber and smiles . And last but not least , we were able to trade in this cutting edge piece of 19 inch technology ( tv with a vcr combo ! ) for a new tv . My dad bought us a tv for Christmas and we got it early . Arnold was able to watch the Saints play on the new tv and he was very happy ! As we settle into our new place , I 'm discovering some things I like about it and some things I don 't . Overall though , I am pleased . Now if I could only get everything unpacked . . . I like . . . . INSULATION ! ! ! ! I finally live in a place that has insulation . That means the place is not 1500 years old . I like insulation . carpet . I know wood floors , etc . are all the rage these days , but give me good old carpet . It 's warm . Your feet aren 't black after you walk across it ( and who has time to mop every day ? ) . And you can sit or lay down on it and not have to worry about getting dirty and black . It also absorbs sound . . . good news for our neighbors . walk in closets . I 've never had a walk in closet in my life . I love it ! being one block away from the grocery store ( I know Arnold will come to appreciate this . Especially when I say , " I forgot ____ , can you run and pick this up . " ) and right in the center of town . . . store , malls , Starbucks , restaurants all within a few minutes . I don 't like . . . . stairs . If we ever buy a house , I will do whatever it takes to not have to run up and down stairs . I had only lived in our new place one day when I decided this . an electric stove . For the past five years , I 've had a gas stove . Of course when we first got married , I didn 't even know how to turn the thing on , but since that time I 've come to love a gas stove . It heats up so quick ! And when you have a two year old screaming , " I hun - gy ! ! " , you come to appreciate a quick cooking stove . our hot water heater . I could bake a cake in the time it takes for our hot water to heat up . Are there things you like or don 't like about your place ? Peyton patiently waiting on her turkey . Raegan with her little blue jeans on . Peyton and her cousin Katelyn . Katelyn is five , and Peyton is two . They had a great time together . I know it has been a long time since I 've blogged , but there 's a good reason for it . . . CHAOS ! That 's my life right now . Let 's see , where to start . . . . . . . . . . . . Last week , we really got serious packing up our house . But then we weren 't able to get the key , so everywhere you turned , there was a cardboard box or a pile of mess staring you in the face . Everytime I start packing up and moving , I always think to myself , " We have WAY too much stuff , and I am going to get rid of half of this junk . " But then I never do . Well , we decided to go to Monroe for Thanksgiving to spend time with Arnold 's family . And honestly , I was so thankful to get away from the mess that was my apartment . It was stressing me out . This past Sunday , we went and got the U - Haul truck . They gave us a 14 foot truck instead of the 24 foot . I knew that thing looked incredibly small . Luckily , when we took it back up there ten minutes after we had gotten home with it , we called and they had a 24 foot available . But they gave us a free day for all our troubles . That was a blessing . Yesterday , we were up early in the morning to finish loading it up and then we began unpacking at our new place . And now the new place is a wreck , and I 'm stressing out again . : ) I can 't stand living with so much disorganizization . I 'm not sure if that 's how you spell that word , but I am so tired that I can 't think straight . Raegan doesn 't seem to be bothered , but Peyton had 2 or 3 meltdowns this morning . It 's obviously stressing her out too . . . hhmmm . . . . I guess the apple doesn 't fall far from the tree . ; ) I would love to post pictures . I have a ton to post , but I can 't find the cord to my camera . I think it is seriously lost . Well , I 'll post a picture of the outside of our apartment complex . I found these picture on their website . By the way , it 's DECEMBER 1st ! Can you believe it ? ? ? Raegan is a great baby . She enjoys watching Peyton and she has started laughing and smiling more . She will just sit in her little chair for long periods of time . But I seriously think she is trying to kill me with sleep deprivation . It 's not her fault . She 's not purposfully waking up three and four times a night just for the heck of it . But this child has more gas than a whole family eating a gallon of beans . Mylicon doesn 't help . I hear stories of babies who at two weeks old are sleeping through the night . If I get Raegan to sleep for four straight hours at night , I feel like I just conquered Mt . Everest . I 'm still breastfeeding , doing everything right . I know that time passing by will improve the situation , but I may die before we get to that point ! I 'm home on a Sunday morning because Peyton has a cold and is teething , I have the cold , and as of last night , Raegan now has it . So we 're just staying at home today . Arnold preached at a church this morning because they needed someone to fill in for them . My in - laws came down this weekend to help us pack and move . But then we found out on Friday that we would not be able to get the key until Nov . 30th , so we 're just surrounded by a bunch of boxes and I have nothing to cook with . I guess we 'll be eating a lot of sandwiches and take out this week ! As we get ready for the move , I 've come to realize that even though I 'm very excited , it 's going to be a big change . I have been on the seminary campus , with the exception of a year , for seven years now ! I got my master 's at the seminary , Arnold and I met there , we moved in to our first apartment together there , and have had a family there . There 's a lot of great memories within the gates of the campus . I will miss the community of the campus , great neighbors , and the park that is our backyard . I can 't believe it 's finally time to move on ! I will be coming back to campus to work and to drop the kids off , but other than that , will have no business anymore with the seminary . It 's been a great experience , and I 'm going to miss it ! Family OutingsThis weekend , our family , all four of us , went out to eat for the first time . We went to Pizza Hut , and it was a pleasant experience . Peyton loves food , and Raegan loves to sleep , so it worked out well . Also this lady at church commented on the fact that Raegan slept through the entire service and did not make one peep . It 's great , I know , we could never take Peyton to " big church " . Now if I could only get Raegan to start sleeping through the night . The MoveMy house looks like a big cardboard box because everywhere you look there are cardboard boxes ready to be packed . And some boxes that are already packed . We start moving in six days . Yipee ! I am so ready . And I have to comment that it is so nice to have such great friends that are willing to help us pack , lift heavy stuff , and move ! Thank you God for providing people to help us ! I took the girls to the doctor last week and was suprised that Raegan is in the 25 % for weight and height and Peyton is in the 75 % for weight and 75 - 90 % for height . Did I mention that they also seem to have two different personalities ? It 's amazing how sisters can be so different ! Calm and QuietNot Calm and QuietHHHMMMM . . . What can I get into next ? < Why the blogging break ? Well , I did a little thing this week called going back to work . And it has been the hardest week ever . . . Raegan won 't take bottles ( still working on this one ) , Peyton having incredible meltdowns from the time we pick her up until the time we drop her off the next morning , Peyton waking us up and coming into our rooms at 6am , taking both girls to the doctor for shots , nothing to eat in the house and no time to fix anything , the house is a wreck , we need to start packing up the whole house , laundry piling high , Arnold 's dissertation defense tomorrow . . . should I go on ? Weekend where are you ? hahaHere are some pictures from Halloween . I didn 't buy anyone any costumes , we just dressed them up in cute Halloween outfits my grandmother bought them . Okay , well I don 't have the right pictures , so I will post the pictures in a few hours ! Check back ! I found a great article in Charles Stanley 's In Touch magazine about praying for your children beyond the " Lord , keep her safe " prayer . It 's such a privilege to pray for our little ones , to help shape them and mold them in to God 's image . Here are the ten suggestions : 1 . Godly wisdom . 2 . For character . 3 . For a spirit of excellence . 4 . For humility . 5 . For a desire to know God . 6 . For direction . 7 . For favor . 8 . For discernment . 9 . For the right friends / spouse . 10 . For respect toward authority . Last Christmas , Arnold bought be a three hour package to the spa . We went to South Carolina to celebrate Christmas , came back after New Year 's , and then I found out I was pregnant . So I didn 't want to go to the spa then . I have been saving my gift certificate until after Raegan 's birth and finally got to use it this past Saturday ! What did it include ? An hour massage , a facial , shampoo and hair cut , and a manicure and pedicure . It was pure heaven ! I had never been to the spa before and had only had a pedicure once in my life . I know why movie stars are so spoiled . I could really get used to it ! It was nice just to have a little " me " time . And to top it off , I stopped at Starbucks on my way home and got a peppermint hot chocolate . . . my favorite ! What a great day ! Here 's the Post I wrote yesterday and forgot to publish : My baby is two months old ! I really can 't believe that two months have gone by since I rushed to the hospital in the rain to have little Raegan . She is so sweet ( I just can 't say that enough ! ) . In fact , a lot of times , we forget she 's around because she 's so quiet ! She 's a very gassy baby ( she must get this from her daddy . . . haha ) , but other than that , she only cries when she 's hungry . She coos a lot and smiles and gets excited when she 's knows it 's time to eat , though she 's not a big eater . She loves being swaddled , and I know that after she eats her breakfast in the morning , stays up for about an hour and then starts whimpering , she wants to be swaddled and put down in her bassinet so that she can take a nap . Raegan has started to follow us with her eyes . I think she has started watching Peyton some , as she flits about the room . I love my little baby ! And for some other news . . . we found a place to live ! Hallelujah ! A three bedroom townhouse in Metairie . Great price , great location , clean and nice . Our move - in date is December 1st if you would like to help ! : ) Yesterday I made a recipe with potatoes . After I spent all this time making them and using a lot of ingredients , I opened the flour package again . That is when I realized that the flour I used in the recipe had bugs in it . Then I went to make okra and wanted to use some cornmeal . My cornmeal also had bugs in it . Then Peyton broke one of my plates after I gave her the plate to set the table with ( what was I thinking ? ? ? ) . Then I went to make brownies and I was out of oil . Do you ever have mealtime experiences like this ? I have been known to sleep walk / talk . Now there are two types of sleep walking / talking . There 's the kind that you have no recollection of and the kind where you 're semi - conscious , but you still don 't know what you 're doing . I 'll give you some examples . When I was twelve , we went to Gatlinburg , TN on vacation . One night at the hotel , I got out of bed , unlocked the deadbolt , and started heading out the door . Except I didn 't undo the chain at the top , so I was trying to jerk the door open and the chain was stopping me . This of course woke my parents up , and they told me to get back in bed . If not for that chain , I would probably have been roadkill . I have absolutely no recollection of this incident . One time when I was in high school , I jerked the blinds down in my room in the middle of the night , which fell with a thud on top of my alarm clock and broke it . I remember pulling at them , and I remember them falling , but I had no idea why I was doing this . After they fell I got back in bed and went right back to sleep . Numerous times in high school , I would get up at 2 am or so and start getting ready for school . I would even look at the alarm clock ( the same broken one , which still worked somehow ) and read that it said 2 am , but I was not fully awake so I thought it was time to get up . I remember taking a shower once or twice . Then I would get back to my room ( now fully awake ) and realize that it was 2 in the morning . These are a few examples , there 's numerous times I 've said crazy stuff in my sleep . The other night though , I did something really weird that I don 't believe I 've ever done before . I woke up in the middle of the night laughing . The thing that I was laughing at , and I will not tell you because it 's so stupid and embarrassing , was totally nonsense because I remembered what it was the next morning . But in the middle of the night , I thought it was true , and I laughed for probably five minutes . What 's so weird about all this is that I was laughing and I remember laughing but I wasn 't conscious enough to realize Posted by Things I love about my 2 year old . . . 1 . She is not ( as is common ) ashamed to throw a tantrum anywhere in public . You gotta love this . : ) 2 . My two year old stuffed a pack of sweetarts down my pants for some reason a minute ago . 3 . She will wave and say hello to anyone , but when the maintenance man came in our apartment this morning she was terrified of him . Why do kids not like strange men ? Guess it 's a good thing ! 4 . She will poop anywhere , anytime . During a nap , while visiting my office . Gotta love this too . : ) 5 . She can be so sweet sometimes ! 6 . She will have the most serious conversation with you sometimes ( and you have no idea what she 's saying ) . 7 . She LOVES the outdoors . Going outside is one of the highlights of her day . I love her innocence and simplicity . 8 . She is very grumpy after she gets up from her afternoon nap . And I do mean grumpy for like an hour . 9 . The girl loves books , and I love it ! 10 . She is not a picky eater . My girl loves to EAT ! And this is an added bonus : She 's just so darn cute ! Yesterday we celebrated Peyton 's birthday . I can 't believe two years have gone by ! She had a great party . . . hamburgers , carrot cake , and lots of nice presents . We didn 't go anywhere or have anyone over , but just celebrated with our family . It was a special day . Happy 2nd Birthday Peyton ! Peyton with her new puppy dog Scout and her new Playdoh . Raegan thought our party was BORING . As I wrote in an earlier post , we 've been really searching for an apartment or house to rent . We 've been looking on Craig 's List , but haven 't really had any luck so far . Arnold has looked at several that are either too small or in a bad location . We both looked at one yesterday that was very old and was on a very narrow street . You know it 's a bad sign when you pull up , parallel park on the street , and a Lowe 's truck almost hits your car . Well , we really had to move the van so that the Lowe 's truck wouldn 't hit us . Today we got a scam email from a property we had contacted . We 've had several people who just haven 't returned our phone calls . It 's very frustrating . If a house is nice , it 's way too much money . Sometimes it 's a nice house for a good price but in a bad location . We 'll keep on searching . I can 't imagine what it would be like to look for a house to buy ! The Monkey Room was great ( see post below ) . Peyton had a blast , AND as a bonus she took an extra long nap . I love staying at home with my kids because you get to do fun stuff like this during the day ! I wish I had some pictures from the Monkey Room , but I forgot my camera . It was basically a large room with indoor play equipment , but really cool indoor play equipment . . . . slides , bridges , nets . . . lots of other kids too . I decided I couldn 't be so TOTALLY paranoid about someone in my family catching the swine flu . We just need to be careful when going out and always wash our hands . Peyton has been doing a lot of two year old sneaky things lately . The other day while I was taking a shower , I knew she was up to something . Normally she either stays in the bathroom with me or pops her head in there about 80 times . This time she was nowhere to be found . After I got out of the shower , I opened her door ( which she had closed ) and found her sitting in her bed with her container of wipes and a tube of Desitin diaper rash cream she was spreading on her legs like it was lotion . And now for a cute picture of daddy and Raegan . . . It 's so great to have him back ! I 've been a slacker lately when it comes to writing blogs . Maybe it 's because the days go by so quick when you 're at home ! Today we 're planning on going to the " Monkey Room " with a friend and her little girl . The Monkey Room is for kids , and I have no idea what it is . But I 'm sure Peyton will have a fabulous time . Yesterday we went to the park and played . We had a great time there . And then last night we went all went to Sonic and ate in the car . Peyton loves this whole concept . Of course , she just loves to eat in general . I 've never seen a child eat like she does . Arnold and I have started looking for a place to rent . In the next month or so , we 've got to begin moving . How hard is it to find a nice , affordable , clean , safe place to rent in New Orleans ? It 's obviously pretty hard . The places we like are probably more than some people 's house payment and car payment combined . The Lord knows our needs though ! Peyton has discovered that you can pull up a chair , climb up on the chair , and reach anything you want . SO , she 's started " helping " me in the kitchen . We made cookies tonight . Raegan is getting bigger . She 's such a sweet little baby . Here is a picture of Arnold with four copies of his dissertation about to hand them in ! I had read on someone 's blog that you could do this , so I thought I would give it a try . We got our hospital bill for Raegan 's birth this past week . I called the hospital and asked them if I paid in full , would I be eligible for a discount . They looked me up , said " yes a 25 % discount " , and instantly knocked $ 205 dollars off my bill ! Praise the Lord ! I didn 't know you could do this ! How do you stop a toddler from messing with her baby sister ? Peyton is CONSTANTLY wanting to mess with Raegan . . . . stuff her passy in her mouth , wake her up , touch her , pick her up . It drives me crazy ! I especially don 't like it when she wakes her up ! I never thought Peyton would give a care about her baby sister . In fact , I thought Peyton would probably just ignore her . Not the case ! Well , this is it . . . the last day of dissertation ! I know Arnold is SO ready . He 's been working really hard . I should have known Peyton was doing something because she was so quiet . She was in her high chair after we had eaten lunch . I look over and her tray was filled with milk . I wondered if her sippy cup was leaking . Then she showed me what she was doing . . . taking a drink of milk , spitting it back out into her bowl , then dumping it on her tray and playing in it . It was everywhere . Gross . Some things going on in our household . . . Arnold is wrapping up his dissertation ! Only five more days until it 's due . I can 't wait til it 's over ! ! ! I had a birthday this past week . Arnold made it very special . . . a good cake , a present wrapped in Christmas paper . . haha ! My birthday cake had three princesses on it . . . he said one for each of his girls . . . awww ! Peyton just spilled half a box of macaroni noodles all over my floor , the baby is crying , and I 'm trying to fix supper ! AHHH ! ! ! Raegan is starting to coo and smile back at you . It 's so precious ! Peyton had some type of allergic reaction to something that bit her yesterday . Her leg is very swollen and red . What kind of creatures do we have here in south Louisiana ? ? ! ! Me and the girls made our Saturday trip to Sonic ( it 's the only place you can go and eat and not get out of your car ) and got jr . candy icecream Sundays . Only a $ 1 . You can 't beat that . . . especially the opportunity to get out of the house ! It 's our second Saturday in a row . And Peyton becomes giddy when we mention icecream . It is defintely one of her favorites . Can I just say again that I cannot WAIT until Arnold hands in that dissertation ? ! ! Raegan is a month old today ! I find that hard to believe . The time has flown . She has filled out a little more and is getting prettier and prettier each day . She now weighs 7 lbs . 14 oz . The last few nights she has slept better , which I am so grateful for ! But we love her so much and can 't wait to watch her grow . I took this picture last night after Peyton had fallen asleep in her bed . She loves bringing her books to bed with her . This is how I found her when I went in to check on her . As I learn to adjust to two children , I am finding that the days are flying by and that I don 't have enough time in the day for everything ! But here are a few things that we 've been doing this week . . . Raegan has been learning to sleep a little better at night . Praise the Lord ! We went to the doctor this week for her reflux and she is now on Zantac , which she HATES . How do you get a three week old to not spit out all of her medicine ? But I did taste it , and it is VERY nasty . She 's now up to 7 lbs . 5 oz . , which is what Peyton weighed when she was born . We 've tried to go and play outside some this week , but it is raining in New Orleans non stop . Rain Rain , Go Away ! Peyton is sick , which is a real bummer . How do you keep a sick two year old away from a newborn ? She 's always trying to get up in her face , sneezing on her , etc . I don 't know what to do here . I think Peyton probably picked up a germ from the doctor 's office the other day . I 'm trying not to worry but it 's hard . I successfully was able to take a shower almost every day this week ! How did I do it ? By wheeling the bassinet into the bathroom with a sleeping baby inside . Of course Peyton was in there too , peaking in the curtain and getting soaking wet . But at least it was a shower ! Arnold is still steadily working on his paper . I have started proofreading it again for mistakes , though finding the time to do this is rare . Keep praying for us ! Here 's a picture of Raegan and some of her sea creature friends . And here are a few things the girls like doing these days . . . Peyton loves . . . . turning off the hot water heater when we 're apparently not watching . It makes for a nice shower . rifling through the trash . spitting in her hands and then rubbing them together . Yuck . Two year oldsdo some odd things . : ) watching Finding Nemo . Thank you Janna for leaving us that movie . trying to shove the pacifier in Raegan 's mouth . playing with her daddy . Raegan loves . . . . sleeping in the daytime . being held in the middle of the night . : ) Raegan is two weeks old now , and it 's been a hard two weeks . My kids seem to all be " blessed " with reflux . This means lots of bibs , lots of spit up on everything , lots of fussiness , and pain , and needing to hold them upright after they eat ( supposedly for thirty minutes . . . . and even at 2 in the morning or they will cry ) . Last night , I had a breakdown . You see Arnold has less than a month to finish his dissertation , so while he 's been steadily working on it , I have been staying up with the baby at night . In two weeks , I have hardly had two hours of sleep put together . My mom would get up with her in the mornings while she was here , but at this point Raegan was still nursing every two hours . It 's always an hour of sleep here an hour there . So last night , Arnold watched the baby the entire night and it was heaven . Of course I still had to nurse her every three hours , but I am very grateful for the much needed sleep . I understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture . So if you can think about it , say a prayer for our family . . . That Arnold would get this dissertation finished ( due Oct . 1 ) , and that our little angel would sleep . My mom and aunt Jane left today to head back to South Carolina , so now we are officially on our own ! We have had a guest ( s ) at our house since May , so now it is just our little family of four . It 's going to be interesting . But now on to my mom and aunt . . . you have never in your life witnessed two women before clean a house like these two . Baseboards , windows , dusting , sweeping , mopping , scrubbing , washing , straightening up , cooking , getting the baby at 4 in the morning so that I could get some rest , buying groceries for me twice . There 's nothing these two didn 't do . I am so thankful to them for driving ten hours to help us out . What a blessing ! I 'm really going to miss them . Some things going on in our household these days . . . Lots of visitors and lots of help ! Thank you Jesus ! Not a lot of sleep . Raegan has her days and nights mixed up . Peyton running full force and slamming into my legs while I 'm nursing . That always feels good . Peyton running full force , grabbing the bassinet , and running around the house . But not while the baby is in it ! : ) Me wondering how I 'm going to survive by myself when all the help leaves ! Here is the story of the birth of Raegan Kiley . . . . . . . . Friday about 5am , I woke up with a really painful contraction . Off and on during the morning , I had painful contractions . I came home from work at 12 : 30 , had a few more painful contractions , but went back to work at 1 : 30 . At about 2pm , I was advising a student when I started having painful contractions that I began to notice were coming about 10 minutes a part . So at 2 : 30 , I went home and told Arnold that we needed to leave . By this point , the contractions were five minutes a part . Now , unfortunately , I had not packed my bags or prepared , so we were both scrambling around . We finally get in the car on a Friday afternoon and it 's raining and yucky and traffic is horrible on the interstate . It took us 45 minutes to get to the hospital . At this point , I 'm about to panic as the contractions are very painful and coming about every 3 minutes . We finally get to the hospital and I am four cm . dialated . They take me back to the room to get the iv started so that I can get an epidural . They get the epidural started and check me . I am now 8 cm dialated and not that much time had passed ! At this point , the epidural was basically worthless . I felt most everything . I finally called for them to see if they would give me more . . . same result . I then called again to say that i felt tremendous pressure , and WHERE ' S THE DOCTOR ? ? ? ! ! ! They said they would come check me and that she was on the way . They check me again , and I 'm now at 10 cm . , though my water had not broken . Probably about 10 agonizing minutes later , the doctor shows up . At this point , I am feeling every contraction and dying and the pressure of the baby ready to come . So the doctor breaks my water , and about ten minutes and four pushes later , Raegan was born ! ! ! I have to say that I am thankful she is so small since I felt everything . I am really thankful to God that everything went so well ( and so fast ! ) during the labor and delivery and that we now have a beautiful little girl . Our internet connection at home is dialPosted by Raegan Kiley was born August 21 at 7 : 18pm . She weighed in at a whopping 6 lbs . 3 oz and was 19 inches long . She is healthy , tiny , and beautiful with black hair . We just got home from the hospital tonight ( Sunday ) and will try to post more pictures and details later . Well , here she is . . . Raegan K . Arredondo . Born August 21 , 2009 . She is about 6 lbs and 19 inches long . Peyton meeting her new little sister little Raegan opening her eyes for the first time . We will write more later . I went to the doctor again today , all I do these days , as I am 9 days days away from her due date . I am almost 3 cm . dialated , and the doctor said she would probably be coming pretty soon . But I have learned to take these famous last words with a grain of salt . Then I had to run over to the hospital to preregister . I have to say that it was exciting being up on the labor and delivery unit . I can 't wait ! And here 's something random . While at Target , I picked up a bottle of salad dressing , the good kind , after noticing the price was only $ 2 . 04 . I even read the price tag very carefully to make sure it matched the label on the bottle . I get down to the register and lo and behold it rang up $ 2 . 84 . I told the cashier that the price tag said $ 2 . 04 . You know what she didn 't do ? ? ? . . . she didn 't call someone over to check the price and hold up the line for twenty minutes , she didn 't roll her eyes at me or have an attitude . She simply changed the price and finished checking me out ! And this is why I love Target ( for the most part ! ) . These are my toes . The reason my toes look so good is that my roommate from college , Tara , came over last night and gave me a foot massage and a pedicure . I was in heaven ! God bless Tara . She is a saint . I can no longer reach my toes , and they were looking nasty ! You should see my legs . . . they 're getting the same way ! hahaBelow is a picture of Peyton and her Papaw . They bought her this little rocking chair , and she loved rocking beside him . This picture is not very good , it 's blurry . Peyton loves to color . . . . ALL over EVERYTHING . . . : ) |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . We had another pretty big flood this month . When the water went down enough to cross , we found a large log partially blocking the river bank on the far side , a faster current and funny ripples that weren 't there before . Either the slate bottom got torn up or some big rocks were moved in . It was hard to tell because the water was still muddy . Kevin tried to go on a ride on his own , and Starry refused to cross . A few days later , he wanted to ride with me to help get Starry to the other side . I took Cruiser and I am glad to say that Cruiser wasn 't worried about the changes at all . The only problem we had with him was he wanted to drink and drink . We just wanted to get Starry across before he thought too much about what we were doing . Eventually , Cruiser decided to cooperate and we made it ! On the way home , Cruiser stepped on what I correctly guessed was a large , flat piece of shale about 6 inches high . He put his hoof on it , started to shift his weight to step up , paused , did it again , paused , and when I asked him to move to the side of the rock , he happily took his hoof off and put it next to the shale . It is so nice to have a horse that thinks before acting . The next morning , Ellen tried to cross Ranger , and he refused . It looked too funny to him . They worked out a compromise - once he got all 4 hooves in the water , she turned him around and they gave up on the river . Well , that put me in a tough spot . The following evening , my niece was supposed to ride with me , and she rides Ranger . I talked it over with Ellen , and we decided that I would ride Ranger across and then we would switch horses on the other side . We knew that Cruiser would cross , and that should help Ranger . I 'm glad to say that the water was lower , and now we could see all the large hunks of shale that were washed down ; causing the funny ripples . The water was still traveling faster that it used to . I told my niece to start down the river bank to the water . Ranger refused to go first . Cruiser thought Ranger had the right idea - and who was that on his back , anyway , and why did he have to listen to her ? Poor Ranger had to take the lead . I clicked him halfway down the bank and gave him a carrot . That put him in a much better mood . I clicked him when he stepped into the water , too . He stopped and I gave him another carrot . He was nervous . Cruiser wasn 't in the lead like he was supposed to be . I asked Ranger to walk , and he started wading through the water . I clicked and clicked and clicked , but he was so uptight that he didn 't stop ! When we got to the other side , I he finally stopped for a click . I hopped off and gave him the handful of carrots he should have gotten if he had stopped while I was clicking . Cruiser finally made it over , and we switched horses and enjoyed the rest of our ride . The only other difficulty we had was on the way home . I forgot to tell my niece to be careful about the log on the river bank that initially scared Range . I was in the lead and heard a noise . It was Ranger scurrying down the river bank and into the water to get away from the log . No harm done , and it was a good experience for my niece to ride a nervous horse for a few seconds . He calmed down and was fine the rest of the way home . I am listening to the thunder , and I checked the radar - - my weekend plans have just turned soggy . There will be no crossing the river tonight , and I don 't think we will be crossing tomorrow , either . If it isn 't raining this evening , I will be riding up and down the hill . Same with tomorrow morning . Alas , this is why I don 't like July . It seems it is either unbearably hot and / or the T - storms raise the river . The outdoor arena will be too wet . The indoor arena isn 't watered this time of year , so it will be very hot and dusty . Hopefully , Sunday will work out . I think my niece is falling in love . Last night , she came out for her ride . Since the river was too high to cross , we rode Ranger and Cruiser on the hill . We worked on trotting on the bottom , flat section so she could practice posting . Since she learned most of her riding on Mingo , she never needed to post . He was as smooth as a Cadillac . She loved Mingo , and she still talks about how she misses him . They were 2 peas in a pod . I have never seen a person and a horse fit together so well as my older niece and little Ming . After our ride , I got her started on watering the 38 horses . With the intense heat , they have been drinking so much . I rode Cole in the indoor arena since the outdoor was still muddy and there was a horse turned out in it . We didn 't do much that was exerting due to the heat and dust . We did walking , bends , leg yielding and sidepassing . Then I through in some walk / trot transitions , some trotting / bending and I was clicking anything that was good . Once he started to do his " show trot " consistently , I decided it was time to work on leg yields at a trot . I only did this once before back in April , so it was like starting from scratch . After about 5 minutes , maybe less , I was getting about a step and a half , and that made me pretty happy . I think he knew what I wanted and was just trying to coordinate it . I was nearly out of carrots for clicking , so I called my niece in so she could ride him a little . At first , Cole only wanted to follow me , but gradually , he started to listen to her , instead . She is a very gentle rider , and some of the horses take advantage of it , but Cole only did that once - when he wanted to go look in one of the barns and she didn 't want him to . I had to help her get him unstuck . Once she got comfortable , I asked her if she wanted to try a trot . Since she isn 't real consistent with posting , I knew it might be a problem , but if he did his slow , ordinary trot , she should be able to sit it . I explained that with Cole , unlike our other horses , you squeeze and hold your legs until he starts to trot - and then you release . The other horses will trot with a tap of the heels . I thought the squeeze and hold would be a better approach with him , so that 's how I trained him . In the past , when I have allowed other people to ride Cole , he has been very difficult to get to trot . Maybe because I had been working him for the previous half hour and he was very responsive to me , he was for her , too . He went right into the trot - and after a few steps - went into his show trot ! He collected himself , rounded up and turned on the impulsion . My poor niece ! She didn 't know how to sit that ! His show trot isn 't fast , but it has so much impulsion that he will throw you right out of the saddle . It takes a person with a strong sitting trot ( me ) to sit it . To rescue her , and reward him , I clicked him and treated . He has never offered his show trot with anyone else besides me . She trotted him twice and then I was out of carrots . I sent her back to watering , and I walked him outside . I wanted to put him in his stall , but my boyfriend had Cruiser in it so he could clean Cruise 's stall . I put him in the crossties , unsaddled him and suddenly - there was my niece . I gave him to her and she led him around the arena . When his stall was ready , she brought him back and we went to hay the horses . When we were done , I had her sponge off Cole while I cleaned up . What I saw was her relaxing and enjoying herself in a way that she hadn 't been with Ranger this summer or with Starry the year before . I joked with her and said it was because he was black like Mingo . She just smiled and said , " I like Cole . " She may be falling in love … We got about 4 inches of rain at my house on Monday in 2 storms . The first storm was just over our suburb , and we ended up with 3 huge limbs down that will need a chainsaw to clean up . That was plenty rain for my garden . I didn 't need the second storm that flooded northeast Ohio , overnight . It was bad - - setting a record for single day rainfall . Our boarding stables was severely flooded , and of course , the river flooded , too . My boyfriend hiked the trails to see the damage , and the hill that the park just repaired - - is wrecked . I am taking my niece out to ride , tonight , but I am sure we still won 't be able to cross the river . Just as well , as it is going up into the 90s - - and the humidty is terrible . At least I won 't have to water my garden for a while . . . I picked my first green beans yesterday . On the day we wanted to introduce dual trotting , it rained and the river was too high to cross . That only gave us the hill to work on . At the bottom of the hill , before we cross the river , there is a nice flat , albeit , short section of trail . I had spent some time trotting Cole on it by himself , and he understood stopping at the end . Ellen had the brilliant idea of teaching him to heel to Ranger - just like I taught him to heel to me . We decided that we would not allow Cole to go beyond Ellen 's leg . We first tried it at a walk - clicking when he arrived to the spot and stayed there for a few moments . ( Ranger was clicked and treated , too . ) Then we increased the length . After 4 - 5 tries , we tried it at a trot . It worked like magic . We practiced it many times for about 10 minutes , and gradually increased the length of trotting . The next day , we were able to cross the river and work where we had more trail . The only time we had trouble was when Ranger would slow down , and Cole didn 't adjust his speed and passed him up . No one would get clicked , and I would turn Cole right around and do it again . Ellen figured out that she needed to keep Ranger at a steady speed for us to be successful , and it worked . We did some parts of the trail twice for practice . We went through a lot of carrot pieces , but we had such fantastic success . My greatest challenge with Cruiser for all these years , is to keep him behind another horse when we trot or canter . He loves to be in the lead . Of course , so does Ranger . Ranger even made a game of slowing down so Cruiser would start to pass - and then he would speed up himself to race . Eventually , Ranger learned that when Cruiser passed , we would be stopping , soon , and turned that into a game , too . Now if we trotted with Cruise in the front and Ranger following , often Ranger was worse than Cruiser . It 's tough when both horses want to lead . The next time we were able to ride together , we had our youngest niece on Ranger . Ellen rode Cruiser . Of course , I was on Cole . We tried to trot a couple times , but Ranger stopped when Cole got close to him ; anticipating a click . Then following day , Ellen and I took them up to our very favorite trails by the show ring . We had another fruitful ride . The following weekend , we took them up there , and we had a new development . Cole didn 't trot up to Ranger 's side , but seemed content to follow about 10 feet behind . This was fine with us . It actually made it easier . I adjusted what I was doing . When he would get to the right distance behind Ranger , I would simply slow him down with the reins . When he responded , I immediately released . I actually think this might be what I was teaching him when I was working on heeling to Ranger , because when he got to the desired position , I slowed him down with the reins , released and then he got clicked for staying there . We did a lot of trotting on that ride and even trotted a fair distance towards home . It seemed that in a short while , he became easier to trot with Ranger than Cruiser is . I 'm looking forward to the time when I will be doing this lesson at a canter . Cole Train has been doing very well with his morning weekend rides , but each time I take him out in the evenings , he gives me a challenging ride . I haven 't done it that much , and that may be part of the problem . Our other horses have always seemed more hyper in the evenings . It is possible that he just needs to get used to it . I decided to try to get him out at least once a week until I run out of daylight to ride both horses on the trail after work . Yesterday evening , I took Cruiser for a quick ride in the rain . It was a really hot day , so the light rain felt good . When I got back , Kevin was there . I saddled Cole up for an indoor arena ride , and then it stopped raining . I quickly changed my mind , grabbed the bug spray and invited Kevin and Starry to go along with us . Since the bugs have been driving Starry crazy , Kevin hasn 't been riding with me in the evenings . Starry does better earlier in the day . This would be Starry 's first evening ride since some time in May , and the first time Cole has ever gone on a ride with another horse in the evening . Also , I planned to try some trotting - the first time with any horse other than Ranger . We did some trotting . Even though Kevin couldn 't slow Starry down to the speed we have been practicing with Ranger , Cole didn 't pass him or try to canter . He just trotted along until I would click because he was being so good that I couldn 't resist clicking . So , what did Kevin learn ? That when I click , we stop so I could give Cole a treat . I would tell Kevin we were clicking , and he just kept going . Fortunately , when he stopped , Cole politely trotted up to Starry . What did Cole learn ? If Starry starts to prance , trot off , canter off or throw a temper tantrum because the bugs are bothering him , that he is to keep doing whatever he is doing and not pay any attention to the big buckskin 's antics . We had a lot of chances to practice this lesson . Each time , Cole was perfect , and each time I clicked him for it - to encourage more perfect behavior in the future . One thing I like about clicker is that it is so much more effective than just saying " good boy . " Even the time when Starry blasted past us at his fast trot to get away from the bugs , Cole just walked quietly . In other words , Cole did better than Cruiser would have in the same circumstances . I was elated . We walked on the way home with Cole in the lead and Starry following . The lead horse seems to get the brunt of the deerflies , and though Cole doesn 't like them , he is more tolerant than Starry . Starry calmed down , and we had a nice trip home . What did I learn ? That I have a very special horse . Cole was good when Starry acted up . When Kevin would start to trot before I was ready , Cole didn 't trot until I told him to . In fact , Cole always waits for me to tell him to trot instead of following what the other horses do . I have a horse that pays attention to me instead of his riding companions . I 'm not sure how this happened . It could be because I have zero tolerance to unrequested gait changes - but that never made a difference with Cruiser . Maybe it is because when I ride in the indoor arena , which could be very hectic , I made him stand whenever doors were opened , horses were led through , people pushed wheelbarrows by or whatever . Maybe he learned stillness among chaos . Maybe it is because we practice transitions so much or maybe it is all of it put together . Regardless , I love it . Considering that Cole is a young and very spirited horse , it is wonderful . We had some great trail rides this weekend . I got out to the barn a little late on Friday since I had to water my brother 's garden . ( they were on vacation . . ) I took Cruiser for a quick trail ride , and just turned Cole out to play . He ran and ran long enough to be nearly dripping in sweat , so I then took him for a walk to the river . Saturday , my sister and I took Cruiser and Ranger out for a very pleasant ride . I rode Cole by himself . We did a bunch of trotting to the second river , and met my sister on the way back . I decided to attempt a canter , again . I haven 't had any luck in the arena . Last fall , I was able to canter him when we played " target my sister . " I decided to approach it that way , again . it took a number of attempts to get the canter , but when I got it , it was glorious . Last fall , he was fast , unbalanced and all over the place . Since I had only been riding him a short time at that point , that wasn 't a surprise . This time , he was even , balanced and went at a reasonable speed . We tried it a number of times - sometimes getting it , sometimes not . Finally , my sister said we should do it just one more time . She walked up the trail and waited for us . We never got better than a trot . When we reached her , she moved over to the side and started jogging with us . She then simulated the canter - and we were off ! I left her and kept going . I was going to stop after a short distance , but decided not to since it was so nice . We went about a thousand feet . I asked for a trot , got it , clicked and we were done for the day . Sunday is the day we take Ranger and Cole up to the show ring trails . Last week , we worked on trotting alongside . That was our plan this week , but Cole decided he didn 't need to get up to Ranger . He was happy to follow 10 feet behind . We did a lot of trotting and clicking . We only stopped for things like rough trails and sharp corners . We even did a little trotting towards home . I led him down the big hill , and he did his silly circus walk for me . we then went further down the trail a short ways and crossed a new river . He went across great , but he was hesitant to step back in to go home . I 'm not sure what startled him , there , but once Ranger was out of sight , he got brave and stepped in . I rode him down the short , steep hill , again , and he did his circus walk , again . He is so silly , but at least I can control his speed . It was a terrific ride . A few weeks ago , I decided my dog , Maggie , aka Dumb Dog , needed grooming . She is actually my dad 's dog , but he doesn 't do any of the hard work or training with her . I gave her a bath , and then every other day or so , I groomed her . I don 't think anyone ever tried to groom her , before . She immediately started snapping at my hand . I held her collar and when she held her head still , I clicked and treated her . The first day , I got piles of hair out of her . When she was good she good she got clicked . When she was bad , I ignored her and didn 't stop grooming . Now , here is the unintended consequence . We have had her since October , and whenever she would sit on my lap , she would constantly mouth my hand . Nothing I did would get her to stop , so I eventually just threw her on the floor whenever she did it - which was nearly always . She was fine with everyone else . Shortly after a started teaching her to lie still during grooming , she started to lie still on my lap . I would then pet her and tell her she was good - no clicks . It has taken me this long to make the connection . I taught her to lie still and good things will happen . She is treating me completely different than she used to . If this keeps up , I may start to like her , someday . Thunder doesn 't like the new Maggie , and typically he will start to cry from the other room in a few minutes . Then I have to leave Maggie and see what he wants . He is quite the tyrant . Yesterday was a big day for us . It was Thunder 's 4th anniversary . Thunder is my feline buddy , and he means the world to me . So , it was time to throw a cat party ! I 'm glad to say the weather was cool , and that makes a big difference with a long - haired cat . He isn 't too playful on hot days . First ingredient to a cat party ? A tired dog . I took Maggie out for a long walk . She wasn 't invited to the party . Unfortunately , no one who was invited : my sister , my sister 's cat , the squirrels , birds and chipmunks - none of them showed up . We still had great fun . At 7 : 30 , the fun began . To start with , I followed Thunder all around while he purred and told me how much he loved me . I got the catnip out and then , we played a little explore , then throw , then feather , then throw , then chase , then follow , then tent , then throw , then da bird , then throw and then it was time to rest a little . If I left the room , he would either start running around or call me . The dog ventured in every now and then to be promptly chased out by Thunder . It was his party . he decided it was time to rest around dusk . During our rest , he sat looking out the dining room picture window and watched the lightning bugs . I watched them with him , drank a cup of tea and called up my sister to give her an update . Alas , I thought the party was over , but shortly after I hung up the phone , Thunder wanted to play chase , then throw , then run , then peekaboo , then follow , then throw … Finally , at 10 : 00 , he said he needed to rest . At 10 : 45 , when I tried to collect him for bed , he decided it was time to seriously play dog hunt . Poor Maggie . He vigorously chased her out of the room 3 times before she gave up . After he had his evening snack and visited the litter box , he said he was ready for bed . I think he purred for 20 minutes straight before he finally fell asleep . He was so happy , and so was I . It was a great party . I decided to bite the bullet and take Cole on the trail yesterday evening . He has been doing so well on the weekend mornings , but every time I try an evening , he is horrible . Well , he was horrible , again . Let 's see … He tried to trot down the hill , tried to spin and run home , once , the first time I asked him to trot , he tried to run , and when I stopped him , he bucked in place , his trotting was very fast and quite out of control at times and he was in a hurry to get home . That is a typical evening ride . At least this time , I didn 't turn back early . I stuck it out and went on the minimum ride - to the next river crossing . I think I merely need to ride in the evenings on trail more often to get him through this . Now that he has shoes , I will try to do it at least once a week . I was nearly back , and I found my sister with her dog ! I forgot she was working day shift . ( Most of the time , she works afternoon shift . ) She walked back with us , and Cole couldn 't take his eye off Stubby . He didn 't like when Stubby was in the lead . He felt he should be in the lead . Stubby hates following . Cole wanted to crowd him off the trail . Cole acts funny around cats and dogs . He wants to chase them . I certainly don 't let him . I think when he lived in his paddock , he learned to chase them out . I then took Cruiser on a fast and fun ride . The weather was cool , so we trotted much of the way home , so we had no trouble getting back before dark . He was in one of his great Cruiser moods , and I had so much fun . Just no one tell him he is 24 , and maybe he will never act like an old horse . Been too busy to blog ! So , here is what has been going on . Saturday , my younger niece came out to ride . she rides Ranger , my sister rides Cruiser and I ride Cole . We went farther with Cole than we ever have , before - all the way until the trail ends if we go south . The last quarter mile is the worst because we are out in the open and the road runs parallel . On the way back , a garbage truck was going down the street ; stopping at each house . Ranger got very nervous , and we were able to teach my niece how to handle a slowly moving monster approaching and passing . I 'm glad to say that Cole and Cruise were fine . We stopped the horses and let them watch the truck approach . When it came alongside us , I showed my niece , with Cole as an example , how to keep Ranger facing it until is was no longer a threat . She did it , and Ranger relaxed and we continued the ride . Sunday , my sister and I took Ranger and Cole up to the show ring trails . Our goal was to practice trotting together . Just like last weekend , Ranger was supposed to lead and Cole was not allowed to pass . I clicked him when he stayed parallel to my sister 's leg . Each time , we increased the distance . They did great , and it is funny how much slower Cole goes when Ranger sets the pace versus when we are alone . I led him down the huge hill , but on the short hill , I rode down for the first time since the time last year when he tried to trot down it and didn 't want to stop at the street . He did very well . I clicked him for slow and careful walking a number of times . He knows what I want - that is definite . He just needs to control his body . He just gets too much momentum . Yesterday , I didn 't have that much time , so I rode him in the indoor arena . He didn 't like the heat , so it was a lackluster performance , but I still enjoyed it . I took Cruiser on a quick ride on Sunday and Monday and he was a joy , as always . Well , it was time . Time for the first pair of shoes . I rode him a lot this last 8 weeks , and his feet were fairly worn - and I plan to increase his riding . In anticipation , not only did I decide to have shoes put on him , I increased his grain . Hard to believe the fat horse I got a year ago needed his grain increased . He looks so much better than before - he lost over 100 pounds according to the weight tape . Anyway , back to his feet . I spent a lot of time tapping his hooves with the hoof pick and then even tapped him a few times with a hammer . He was always perfect for the tapping . Of course , it helped that I was clicking him . I also spent time stretching his front legs forward and holding them , too . My farrier agreed , when he saw Cole 's feet , that shoes were necessary . I can trust my farrier to be truthful about this . There have been times when he told us we didn 't need shoes , too . Some farriers want to shoe every horse . My farrier isn 't that way . He trimmed the front feet and then went to trim the back . Oops ! All the time I spent working on the front hooves - not one minute did I review his back hoof lessons . He pulled away several times , and my farrier held on and made faces . Reminder for next time - review the back hooves before the next visit . Now , for the big moment . Time to put the shoes on the front . On the first hoof , during the procedure , he tried to pull away and got his hind feet way under him . This could be bad , cuz when Cruiser does this , it means he wants to rear up to pull away . My farrier just kept going , and Cole had to stand that way until it was time to put his foot down . On the second hoof , he was fine . At no time did he misbehave during any pounding of the hammer . I was disappointed . I really expected him to be better . To my surprise , my farrier was very pleased . It was a matter of expectations . I wanted perfection , but my farrier , who has shod many horses with their first pair of shoes , knew how bad a horse can be the first time . He was tickled - particularly when he pointed out how awful Cole was the first time he trimmed his feet a year ago . The best news - he will just get better . We went through several years of Cruiser rearing during shoeing , after all . I had a lovely long weekend for riding . Due to the holiday , and since we ride in a very suburban park , we didn 't venture far from home , but we still had fun . Friday evening , I took both Cole and Cruiser on a short trail ride . Cole was awful . I just don 't know why we have so much more trouble in the evenings than the mornings . Well , I will keep trying . Saturday , my sister and I took Cruiser and Ranger on an hour ride , and they were delightful . I took Cole on the same ride by myself . We did a lot of trotting . Only once did he build up some extra steam and I had trouble stopping him . as a bonus , we trotted on a trail we only trotted once last fall . On this trail , he was great . Last fall , we was absolutely awful when I tried trotting here . It is a slight incline and has lots of sharp bends . I was really pleased with that . We walked all the way home , and I didn 't have to correct him a single time . When we got back , I rode a little while in the arena to show off his pretty trot to one of the boarders at the neighboring barn . It appears that the people over there are starting to talk about him . We had a big storm Saturday night , so we weren 't able to cross the river . My sister and I had planned to work on trotting Cole with Ranger . You see , we have struggled for years with Cruiser and Ranger wanting to race each other at the trot . We didn 't want to go through this with Cole . There is a stretch of trail before the river that is about 200 feet long . We decided to just go back and forth on this trail to teach the lesson . My sister suggested we teach Cole to heel to Ranger like he heels for me . I would ask him to trot to my sister 's leg and stay there . We did it a few times at a walk , and it seemed like he understood . When we tried it at a trot , after a few times , he seemed very happy to trot in that spot in hopes of getting a click . I don 't know how many times we went back and forth , but it was a lot . Sometimes we clicked part way , and sometimes we went to the end . Monday , we were able to cross the river and practice it on a longer trail . I didn 't expect it to go so well . It was wonderful . Only one time did Cole pass up Range , and that is when Ranger slowed down . After that , my sister made sure that Ranger stayed a steady speed . We did the good sections of the trail 2 times with a lot of clicks . At the end of the last trotting section , I felt Cole change . I called to my sister to look - he was going into his pretty trot ! Next time we ride together , I bet it will be even better . He actually went slower when I worked him with Ranger because Ranger went slower than Cole typically does on trail . It was so much nicer . I have a feeling that Cole will figure out that a moderate speed is more comfortable than trotting to the max . They were still moving out at a good speed , just not a racing speed . Another happy surprise - the hill work I did with him last week seems to have had an effect . On one hill that we went on that is short and steep , I led him and he walked slow and careful whenever I told him to put his head down . Also , on one of the steep riverbanks that I ride down and he always goes too fast , on his own , he put his head down and walked slow and careful down to the water . He got a click for that ! I really like Cole , but that doesn 't take away from my love for Cruiser . On each of the days I took him on the solo ride , he was a dream horse . We just trot and canter away with smiles on both of our faces . Cole has big shoes to fill when the sad day comes and Cruiser moves on the greener pastures … A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Filed under : Here and now | Leave a comment I 've made two quick visits to see Mom before lunch today and on Friday . I have switched the cat to canned food with hopes he will eat more , so I have to return more frequently to change that food . I also realize I should visit more frequently to coax Mom into a new outfit every couple of days since it 's clear she won 't change without the suggestion , and the facility staff won 't pick out something new for her to wear , even on shower day . I hadn 't been to visit since my sister and I dropped off Mom on Tuesday for dinner . When I arrived Friday , I could see that she hadn 't yet gone in to the dining room , but she also wasn 't in her room . I worried for a bit , because her purse was in her apartment . It 's very rare for her to go anywhere without that purse . But I figured she was in an activity somewhere . She also had not been with her pals in the lobby . I found the canned cat food bowl on the bathroom counter , covered with a layer of dark mold . I was glad to see Mom had thought it wise to move the bowl away from the cat when it got gross like that . ( Or I suppose it could have been a staff member . ) I cleaned out that bowl and put in half a can of fresh food , leaving the other half in the little mini - fridge Mom has in her kitchen area . I went out in the hall to see if I could locate Mom , and I saw her in the midst of a small parade moving from the first - floor lounge into the dining room . They must have had the news activity , where the activities director reads the paper to the residents . I caught Mom before she sat down and asked her to come back to her apartment with me . She was wearing the clothes I had put on her on Monday - beige pants and a turquoise shirt - plus a gray sweater and a red fleece jacket . It was a little cooler than usual , but I was shocked at how bundled up she was . I took off those two jackets and put the sweater in her laundry . I 'm not even sure it 's hers . I don 't recognize it . I told her I thought she 'd feel better if she changed her outfit . I don 't really ask her permission now - I just started taking her clothes off , shirt first . Then pants , then two pairs of underwear . Sigh . At least the inner pair didn 't look as … used , I guess you could say , as the last pair had that I had removed earlier in the week . I picked out white pants and a cute long - sleeved striped T - shirt , sort of greenish - blue , for her . She looked nice and springy . I combed her hair and shuffled her off to the dining room , where residents Today when I arrived , Mom was sitting the lobby with one of her friends . I could hear her muttering that she hadn 't seen me in awhile . I told her it had been just two days . I told her I wanted to check on the cat and asked her to come with me . In her apartment , I found the dry cat food bowl partly empty , but the wet food bowl was not on the floor in her bedroom . I looked on the bathroom counter for it . Not there . Not in the kitchen area . Not in any drawers that I checked . Not on the bench by the window . Not in the fridge . I have no idea what she might have done with that bowl , and I have no idea what the food within it might look like at this point , but after only two days I hoped it wouldn 't be too nasty . I picked another bowl from her kitchen counter and put the remaining half of canned food in it . I held it under the cat 's nose to encourage his interest in it . Then I put it on the floor and also freshened the dry food bowl and put out clean water . Mom didn 't know what I was asking about regarding the cat food bowl . She paused to pee in the bathroom , and while she was at it , I decided to at least change her underwear . Her clothes looked pretty good . As I was pulling her pants off with a new pair of disposable underwear in my hand , she said , " I just put this pair on this morning , " like I was some kind of fool . She normally wouldn 't remember such a detail . I chose to believe her and left it at that . But then I suggested she put on some deodorant just for good measure , and she agreed to that . I combed her hair , which was a little wild . " I feel so much better , " she said . She meant just because she was seeing me , if only briefly . But overall her spirits seemed quite good ; she was not saying anything negative about her living circumstances . She did say in the lobby that nobody there knows her . Her friend playfully punched her in the arm and said , " Come on , Bon , I 'm your next door neighbor ! " I told Mom everybody there knows her and that she 's popular . And she sort of did a little cheesecake gI have been watching the mail for the money from her annuity , which has not yet arrived and which I need to pay her June bill . This week I will be tending to that and starting the process on the last annuity . I believe this week starts the Medicaid application process as well . Should be interesting . Filed under : All about me | Comments ( 5 ) I just watched one of the episodes of HBO 's " The Alzheimer 's Project . " The episode about caregivers . It made me cry . I am still crying a little bit . I think I might be overdue for some weeping , so it is not bothering me . It bothered one of my dogs , who came over to me on the couch and started nudging me when I took the crying up a notch . Funny how dogs do that . This episode tells the stories of several families , most of them people taking care of their partners . I first felt a little twinge when the young - ish man taking care of his father was featured . He took his dad into his home . Eventually , his girlfriend moved out as a result . So he was punished for this incredibly unselfish thing he did . He seemed to not be regretful . Eventually his dad moved into a group home , where he caused some trouble by wandering around at night , his disposable underwear drooping . And once when he and his son were taking a walk with the dog as part of this documentary , the dad 's pants just plain fell down . And the son just pulled them back up and got him situated . That 's what you do . Pants falling down , droopy adult diapers . It 's just part of the Alzheimer 's patient 's life , eventually . There should be no shame associated with it . And yet this young man was having trouble sustaining friendships because of his caregiving . I am lucky I am not experiencing that . But then , I never took Mom into my home . I was determined not to from the very beginning . For many reasons . And I have decided not to feel guilty about that . And then a woman whose husband has Alzheimer 's was doing an interview , and the interviewer asked : Do you ever need a shoulder to cry on ? And she said yes . And sometimes it 's her own shoulder . Whoosh , the tears started immediately . This woman has children and grandchildren . I have a husband and siblings and friends . Yet sometimes the caregiver suffers alone . And it is OK . My husband is out right now . It can be easier to cry alone , really . But it also speaks to the loneliness of the caregiving experience , I think . The interviewer also asked her if she missed the man she married . Yes , she said , and she thinks he could still be in there , and she asks him sometimes to come out and be with her . He was at the end stage when the documentary was filmed . And it made me think of the time a friend of Mom 's - this was about two years ago , when the friend was still trying to have regular lunches with Mom - said she missed Mom . It 's weird to miss someone whose body is right there in front of you , but whose personality is so dramatically altered by a terrible brain disease . It can make a person want to cry . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 10 ) My sister 's visit inspired some efforts to get Mom out and about , to entertain her , to change her scenery , and , ultimately , to find the most satisfying way to spend time with her ( as opposed to hanging out in her apartment ) . So on Monday , Memorial Day , we planned for lunch and then a walk around Mirror Lake on Ohio State University 's campus . Years ago , Mom worked in Pomerene Hall , right next to Mirror Lake . And she seems to like animals , so we thought she 'd enjoy the ducks . We opted for a new restaurant - the Blue Danube , a fun campus bar and restaurant and one of Mom 's favorite watering holes during the height of her active alcoholism . My sister Laura , Mom and I went there and met my husband , Patrick . Mom 's first stop at the Dube was the bathroom . She had been talking about pooping a lot , and sure enough , upon our arrival , she announced that she had to poop . I monitored her progress and made sure no one barged in on her . It 's a one - seater with a stall door , but Mom left the stall door open . Once she finished , I flushed for her and encouraged her to wash her hands , which she did . With no pot roast hash on the menu , we settled on a cheeseburger and fries for Mom , plus a big glass of Coke . I had huevos rancheros . While we were all eating , Mom blurted out , " I like eggs . " I offered her a piece of one of my over - easy eggs and put it on her plate . She picked it up with her hand and ate it . She seemed satisfied with the burger , too , and finished the whole thing . She didn 't talk much during the meal . She doesn 't really talk much at all anymore unless prompted , and my sister noticed this . Patrick left us to go work around the house , and Laura , Mom and I headed for campus . I parked behind the Faculty Club and we walked down a small hill to the south Oval and then over to Mirror Lake . There were ducks everywhere . Mom seemed only marginally interested in them . We sat along a wall when Mom said she was tired . One duck popped up out of the water and stared at us , I assume hoping we would feed it . It eventually returned to the lake . Mom seemed to daydream or sit and stare . She complained of being hot . We walked about halfway around the lake and turned around to go back . She had had enough . We paused again on the stone wall before heading toward the car . Before we walked back up the hill to the car , we paused on a bench . Going up the hill , Laura and I each put a hand on Mom 's back and helped her walk up the hill . She lives a very sedentary life , but I think Laura and I were both surprised at how tired she was . We dropped her off back at her assisted living facility and encouraged her to take a nap . Laura and I ended up napping , too . We spent the evening with our dad and his wife . We got lucky on Tuesday with no rain in sight , and set out to take Mom to the zoo as we had planned . We let her eat lunch in her routine surroundings , hoping she might be more animated in the afternoon . Laura was discouraged by Mom 's grogginess and general gloomy demeanor the previous day and was looking for signs of the sparkle that Mom had retained and demonstrated on my siblings ' previous visits . Otherwise , Laura was taking the visit in stride , and said she did not struggle with what now seems to be Mom 's complete lack of memory of who Laura is . When Laura and I arrived on Monday , Mom was waiting for us in the lobby . She and Laura looked at each other and Laura said , " I 'm Laura . I 'm your daughter . " A little later , Mom said , " You seem familiar . I feel like I 've known you for a long time . " " You 've known me for 48 years , " Laura replied . They both laughed . But it does seem clear now that Mom 's status as a mother seems completely lost . She now refers to having met me , too , so she doesn 't know how we are related . And yet I call her Mom , and Laura called her Mom . And she answered to that . Maybe she doesn 't know what the word " Mom " means , either . I call her Bonnie sometimes , too , mostly when I 'm kidding around . Before we left , we wanted to check into a little something the nurse had told me on the phone Tuesday morning . Mom had complained to the nurse that the cat 's nail was broken . So in her apartment , I picked him up and looked at all his paws , much to his chagrin . No broken claws . Laura , smartly , asked to see Mom 's fingernails . Mom 's left thumbnail was snagged and torn away on one side . More evidence that Mom uses that cat to describe herself . I fished some clippers out of Mom 's purse and fixed her thumbnail . " You saved me , " she said . Meanwhile , I noticed she had an empty styrofoam cup in her purse . Off to the zoo , where there is a baby elephant that we wanted Mom to see . Mom said she liked the long ride in the car . I dropped her and Laura at the entrance and parked . Laura and I asked Mom if she wanted a wheelchair to save her the fatigue of walking . She wanted to start out without one and see how things went . When Laura took her to the zoo last summer , Mom flatly refused to use a wheelchair . But they successfully walked all the way to the gorilla exhibit , which was what Mom wanted to see . So this time she was at least open to the idea , even if she initially said no . We followed the path to the elephant exhibit , and there was the baby , walking around with his mother . Mom seemed to enjoy him , somewhat . She has developed a real affection for human babies , but I think her animal interest is waning . She looked at the elephants , but complained of being hot and tired . So she sat on a bench . Laura and I took a few pictures , asked the zoo staff some questions . Decided not to prolong the visit . Walking away from the exhibit , we convinced Mom a wheelchair would be helpful to her . Laura and Mom paused at a snack bar for Cokes while I went to rent a wheelchair . When I returned , we decided to snack on fries and spring rolls . Mom ate a few fries , but not many . She eventually spilled her Coke , which splashed on her pants and her purse . Laura and I cleaned her up . Laura fed a Canada goose a french fry , and its beak touched her hand , freaking her out . The goose then stood next to her for several minutes , hoping for more . Mom held out her hand to say hello to that goose and a few others . I 'm glad none of the geese decided to bite her . I thought Mom might like the manatees , so we headed toward that exhibit . Laura pushed Mom 's wheelchair . It was a funny sight . Laura is petite , but strong . Mom has gained weight since her diagnosis as her activity diminished and especially as she obtained access to three square meals a day in assisted living . Laura could handle the wheelchair on hills , but she would stretch her entire body out straight to get as much assistance from her legs as she could . And then going down a hill , she would maintain a steady grip so as not to lose control of the chair . She and I were laughing a lot of the time , but Mom didn 't seem to notice . Mom has this disease - related behavior of constantly picking at her chin , and she sat in the chair , picking her chin and looking off into the distance until we suggested she look at the latest exhibit we had come across . She said she was enjoying herself , and I believe her . But I noticed more than ever that she quickly withdraws into her own world , or thoughts , or quiet mind , even with lots of new flowers , animals , children right before her eyes . After the manatees we went on a long journey to see a tiger and some lions . I eventually took over the wheelchair pushing . I wasn 't as skilled as Laura . I rammed Mom into a little wall at the lions and didn 't do a good job of parking her so she could stand up to see the sleeping tiger . A couple of times , Mom offered to start walking , but we encouraged her to stay in the chair , where she seemed quite comfortable . We could cover more ground faster that way . And we figured she 'd eventually opt to sit down again anyhow . We decided to save North America for a later summertime visit and headed to the exit . We bought Mom a little elephant keychain at the gift shop . When you push a button on its back , it gives off a little elephant trumpeting sound . Mom held onto that elephant for the duration of the ride home , which included a stop at Graeter 's for ice cream . She still had it in her hand when we dropped her off in the dining room . Because of a little commotion in the dining room , Laura didn 't get to say a proper goodbye . But she said she wasn 't sad . Then Laura and I treated ourselves to pedicures . Mom occasionally fretted during these two days about not getting along with people at her facility . " I wish I could change , " she 'd say . Or " I wish I could be better . " It was troubling , particularly for my sister . And then in the car on the way to the zoo , out of nowhere , she said , " I didn 't have a mother . " Really , we said . " No , because she was drunk all the time . " This was true about my grandmother , but she wasn 't the only drunk one in the house . My grandpa drank , too , and my mom and her sister endured that all the years they were growing up . Laura and I didn 't say much . And then she said , " I wouldn 't have been very good at it anyway . " Laura said , " What , motherhood ? " And she said yes . Now , was she referring all along to her own drunkenness ? We will never know . The Alzheimer 's brain is a mysterious thing . And as for not getting along with people , the nurse later told me that Mom had been sitting in the lobby Monday morning when two other residents had a fight . Mom sat quietly and wasn 't involved . But I assume she absorbed the feelings of tension and in her memory of it , applied the events to herself . That was a relief to Laura . I am hoping the next time I talk to Mom , a new experience at her home will have replaced that memory . I can 't count on her remembering anything about the two days Laura and I spent with her . Filed under : Here and now | Leave a comment I didn 't see or talk to Mom from Wednesday 's lunch and grooming session to Sunday just before dinner . I didn 't intend for that to be the case , but knowing my sister would be arriving Sunday evening , I guess I was subconsciously thinking that we would make up for that lost visit time . And then on Sunday afternoon , I dozed off for a nap and woke up at 4 : 30 , just a half hour before Mom 's dinner . I jumped up and raced to her facility , getting there in 10 minutes . But she was already in the dining room , as was everyone else , so I just went to her apartment to take a look at what might need some adjustment before my sister 's arrival . The couch cushions were all over the floor - a common thing . I 'm not really sure what goes through Mom 's mind with regard to the cushions , but she tends to scatter them about the little living room . I put them back in place . The cat was lying on the table , a new spot , possibly cooler since it was a hot day . I went into the bathroom , saw very little litter activity , and then noticed , unfortunately , that there was a smear of poo on Mom 's toilet seat . I cleaned that off , washed my hands , and tried to clean it a little more thoroughly . And washed my hands again . Then to the bedroom , where I could see in the cat food bowls that mold had grown at the bottom of both bowls . At about this point , I felt like an utter failure . I threw away the food and washed the bowls and refilled them with fresh dry food . The cat came in immediately to eat . I watched him , and noticed he was having trouble chewing . He gave up pretty quickly , to my horror . He got up on the bed . I checked his mouth - no sore on his tongue like the other cat . I assumed he must have a bad tooth , meaning I need to take him to the vet . I found the spiky little brush in a drawer by Mom 's bed , and gave him a good brushing , because he 's not doing a very good job of grooming himself latelyk . He meowed a lot , perhaps in complaint , perhaps because he has always been a vocal kitty . I wanted to pop in on Mom before she had been served her dinner , so I scooted into the dining room to say hello . She had on a red shirt , which was new since I last saw her , but also had on the same gray pants I had encouraged her to put on on Wednesday . Which made me wonder about her underwear status . I didn 't notice a strong smell , so that was good . I told her I was just visiting quickly but that my sister and I would be visiting her tomorrow to spend some time with her . She stood up , threw her hands in the air , and yelled " Hallelujah ! " I was amused and stunned , feeling that I need to stop these disruptions to her meals because of her unpredictable behavior . I hugged herFiled under : Here and now | Leave a comment I took Mom to lunch today . I didn 't tell her in advance . I was afraid I might wake her up with a phone call . But I did call the facility to tell staff Mom would not be having lunch in today . So when I got to the facility , she was in the dining room , and was being a little grumpy with one of the aides who was trying to explain to her that she wasn 't going to be eating lunch in the dining room today . I arrived in just about the nick of time , before Mom got really cranky . She just doesn 't understand explanations of any kind , really . And she doesn 't take no for an answer very well as a result . When she got up from her table , one of her table - mates said she 's lucky she gets to go out . We made just a little bit of a scene , but then we went straight out the door to the car . Mom was funny - so relieved to be going on an outing . She was irritated by the exchange she had just had with the aide . But she quickly forgot about it . We took the short drive to Bob Evans . I tried to see if Mom could articulate anything about the general complaints she has had lately , but she couldn 't . She seems a little bored , I think , which worries me . I thought she was withdrawing and therefore not really troubled by boredom . She said people are harder to get along with , but I don 't know if she means friends or staff . And it could be they 're hard to get along with because she is having a harder and harder time with any kind of verbal communication . Hard to tell . I just tried to pep her up by saying it was a nice , sunny day and a good day to get out . At lunch , I ordered the usual pot roast hash for her and a big salad for me . Blueberry bread for me and biscuits for her . When the breads came , Mom examined a butter container . She started reading the label : Fresh Buttery … . she was unsure of the next word , which was Taste . I asked her if she wanted butter on her biscuits and she said yes . And she said I could do it . I try not to automatically treat her as if she is helpless in case it insults her . But she has given over some tasks to me , and when she says it out loud like that , I 'm happy to do anything for her . I split a biscuit and put butter on both sides . She started eating it , getting butter on her upper lip that ended up staying there for about half the meal . She eventually decided to do her own buttering on the other biscuit . She spread butter on the top and sides as if she were frosting a cake . When the meal came , she tended to pick at it . She at first lifted her spoon to eat , but I reacted to that and at the same time she located her fork next to her plate . Every time she put that fork down , she lost track of it under her plate . She picked at potatoes mostly , and didn 't seem to eat as heartily as she has in the past . She filled up quickly . She drank Coke today instead of coffee , and drank one full glass and asked for another . She complained of being full and started to burp repeatedly . " I 'm bubbling up , " she said . She seemed to think she had to finish the second Coke , but I convinced her she didn 't have to eat or drink anything she didn 't want . She did make observations about my appetite , commenting on the ( large ) size of my salad and my ability to eat just about all of it . She hasn 't made comments like that in quite awhile . I noticed her hands trembling from time to time . I wonder if she still might be reacting to being weaned from the antipsychotic . The nurse called me today with a big prescription refill notice , and said that another nurse had written some notes on Mom 's behavior last week while I was gone . Apparently Mom did a fewOne thing I noticed fairly quickly today was that Mom smelled . This was not her armpits or musty clothes . She smelled like pee . And I was angry about it . I don 't know what it 's like to work in assisted living , but if I were a nurse or an aide and I smelled obvious pee on a resident , I would like to think I would help that resident fix the problem . Mom also has complained a lot recently about the hairs on her chin . And I noticed her fingernails were quite long today . So I decided upon our return to her apartment that we would have a quick grooming session . First , I sat her on the toilet seat - the bathroom has decent light - and put the tweezers that I finally remembered to carry to use on her chin . I pulled a good 20 to 30 hairs out , some long , some short , some gray , some brown . " Wow , there are a lot , " she said . I tried not to hurt her . I still left a few , but got the bulk of them yanked . Then I clipped her fingernails . She had been doing this herself up until fairly recently . And then I told her I thought the clothes she was wearing were too warm and that she 'd feel better if she changed . She had on blue pants and a blue T - shirt that I 'm pretty sure she was wearing on Sunday and a purple velour top over that . She was agreeable , but then again , didn 't seem to know what I wanted her to do . I picked out gray cotton pants , a pale blue T - shirt and a light blue cotton jacket and asked her if she liked the outfit . She approved . She sat in a chair in her bedroom . I said she should start to take her clothes off , but she didn 't seem to understand . So I grabbed her two shirts and pulled them over her head . I put the new shirt on her . I told her she had to stand to take off her pants . I deposited all of her clothes into her basket . And then I told her I figured she ought to change her underwear , and I had a disposable pair at the ready . She started to put them on over the ones she was wearing . I stood her up and pulled on her underwear , and was dismayed that she was wearing two pairs . " Oh , " I said , Some vacation images Posted May 17 , 2009 Filed under : All about me | Leave a comment My husband and I went to Bald Head Island , N . C . , for the week . It 's a terrific vacation spot . Beaches , maritime forest , no cars - just golf carts , quiet , a good place to do a whole lot of nothing . Filed under : All about me , Here and now | Comments ( 2 ) I am sort of blue today . Possibly mainly caused by fatigue . My vacation is over . But that typically does not make me sad . I loved this vacation . It was just wonderful , relaxing , a beautiful place , lots of beach time . But by the time we left , I was ready to get home . I like home life . I like routine . I like my job . So too much nonroutine time is sort of tough for me . We had a slightly stressful end to the vacation , with some car trouble . Caused us a three - hour departure delay but could have been much worse . I am doing my routine Sunday things today - laundry , groceries , tidying . And visiting with Mom . I went over about 45 minutes before lunch . I bought some cookies to take with me . I haven 't taken her cookies for quite awhile . She went through a spell of really demanding to have cookies at all times . Now I see the cookies she does eat - probably from the dining room - in pieces all over her apartment , in her purse , still in boxes in which they arrived . So these cookies will probably go to waste . But I wanted to take her something since I had been away . I was sad to find outside the facility that the Canada goose nest was surrounded by overgrown grass . The mother goose was gone . Two eggs still lay in the nest there , I assume bad eggs that produced no babies . But worst of all was a dead baby lying right there in the nest as well . It had yellow downy feathers . It was sort of hard to recognize , as it had been flattened a bit , perhaps by the rain that I heard about but missed while we were gone . Seeing the dead gosling just broke my heart . I have been close to tears every since . I know this will pass . I don 't know why nature sometimes makes me so sad . So I wasn 't in the best frame of mind when I went in to see Mom . But I 'm also relieved that Mom isn 't as interested in the " thingamajig , " as she last called the goose nest , as she was last year . I hope someone clears away the dead baby . I don 't want Mom to see that . She won 't like it . I found her in her apartment , and I think she had just woken up from a nap , but I wasn 't sure . She seemed blue , as well . Her hair was a total mess . She sat on the couch and said things haven 't been going well . The people aren 't as nice . The people are hard to deal with . I don 't know if she had a fight with someone , or perhaps was dreaming about things going badly . She said the cat had been sick . I asked if she felt sick and she said yes , that she had chills . She looked just a little bit peaked . But I thought this could all relate to being asleep . The place didn 't smell all that great , but it wasn 't a strong urine odor . The smell was strongest in her bathroom , and I thought it could have been that the towels supplied by the facility were sort of musty . But I certainly don 't know for sure . She said , " I thought I might never see you again . " I said I am back now from being away and that I 'm not going anywhere again for a long time . I reminded her that I had called her a few times while I was gone . " You did ? " she said . I did call her , and she seemed fine when I talked to her . But seeing me again seemed to provide relief to her . " It helps me immensely to have you here , " she said . She said she 'd like to get away for a few days . She has expressed interest in travel before , but of course it is no longer in her future . I told her we 'd go to lunch this week . I looked in her purse to find a comb so I could comb her hair . Its contents this time included a sock , cookie crumbs , cat food , two pairs of scissors and a disposable razor . It makes me chuckle just now to think about it , though at the time I was fishing the comb out , I didn 't like all the food crumbs . After combing her hair , I plunged my hand into the purse twice and just brought out fistfuls of as much of the crumbs as I could grab . I think it could upset Mom to see me dump all her belongings out of the purse , so I tried to clean it a little without any drastic action . She complained of bothersome hairs on her chin , so I have since placed a pair of tweezers in my purse so the next time I see her , I can tweeze her chin . I scooped the litter - again , not much to scoop . The cat isn 't looking so good . He isn 't thin , but he has lost weight . He is not grooming . I combed him for a little while and he tolerated it well . That , too , made me sad , as even though he hasn 't lived with me for quite awhile , he was sort of " my " cat in the way that our other cat had been my husband 's . This cat has always been sort of independent , but he would sit with me quite a bit , especially before we got dogs . He is about 13 years old . Not ancient , but definitely showing age more than he ever has before . He has always been quite fat and maybe that is now taking some toll , even though his health was never particularly bad when he was fat . I found that Mom had left clumps of toilet paper and tissues all over the place . In her purse , on her coffee table , by the bed and on the bed . This made me wonder if she had been sick and blowing her nose . Except she showed no signs of illness of that sort today . I cleaned up all the stray tissue and threw it away . I also replaced her almost - gone toilet paper roll . She has had a funny relationship with toilet paper during her time in assisted living . She has always tended to think someone wants to steal it . She used to hide rolls in drawers and cupboards . One can only guess what the housekeeping staff thought of all the disappearing toilet paper , but they always made sure there was plenty of extra in Mom 's apartment . I imagine she would find a new roll , move it , and then think it had been stolen . She has a few suspicions like this , but thankfully she is not fully paranoid about everything . I dropped her off at the dining room and checked the mail . The company holding an annuity that I am trying to surrender sent her a note trying to talk her out of canceling the contract . The letter said the cancellation as requested is being processed , but encouraged Mom to call to discuss other options . It 's a measly five thousand dollars , I thought to myself . Just let it go . How annoying to have a company place no trust in a customer to know what the hell she wants with her own money . I was happy to see that the cancellation and surrender is progressing , but I am going to call the letter writer to ensure that the process is really moving along . I will need that money to pay for assisted living in June . And still need to surrender one more annuity . So now I am quickly back to the usual grind . I 'm already glad a long holiday weekend is in my future , I 'm sure just because I am feeling tired . Ten hours in a car can do a number on the body . I 'm sure this mood will pass . Also my sister is visiting next weekend , something to look forward to . For now I think I will read a book to occupy my mind so I can stop feeling sorry for myself . Filed under : All about me , Here and now | Comments ( 1 ) I became increasingly upset by Mother 's Day marketing this past week or so . It is really amazing how every product known to humankind suddenly becomes the next best Mother 's Day gift opportunity . I did not expect this . I imagine people whose mothers have died have a terrible time with this holiday . It 's not so great with a mother with dementia , either . Last year , Mom thought I was the one who deserved some sort of recognition for Mother 's Day . She referred to a facility calendar mentioning the holiday and said , " I 'm sorry - I don 't have anything for you . " I just laughed it off at the time , told her she certainly had nothing to worry about . I might have even tried to explain to her that she was actually the mom , but I simply can 't recall . She still calls me her daughter from time to time when she introduces me to people at the facility . But when talking TO me for the past year or even more , she has said , on a phone message , for example , " This is Bonnie , Emily 's daughter … . " Or otherwise indicated in some way that she no longer had our relationship straight . The concept of having had children doesn 't seem to resonate with her . Relationships seem to be difficult for her . She calls her other children " relatives " sometimes . She recently referred to " our relatives from the north , " but I really didn 't know whom she was referring to . She also recently referred to having " met " me rather than having given birth to me . When she recently complimented my skin , I said , " I got that from you . " That made no sense to her at all . The facility planned a special Mother 's Day lunch event . I missed it last year - inadvertently planning a vacation over Mother 's Day . This year , I realized my vacation would coincide with Mother 's Day again and really felt no remorse over that . The facility activities director called to check on whether I 'd be attending the lunch . I said no , I will be out of town , and Mom won 't notice because she doesn 't realize it 's Mother 's Day . Agreed . A day later , I had stopped in to visit Mom and the receptionist asked what my Mother 's Day plans were . I repeated that I wouldn 't be there , and that Mom wouldn 't care . I suggested signing up Mom for the first of the two seatings for the lunch , because she would follow the crowd in thinking it was a regular lunch day . At Thanksgiving , I signed us all up for the second of three seatings at their special weekend - before event . When my husband and I arrived for the noon seating , Mom was in the dining room already , having finished her lunch during the earlier seating . That in particular led me to believe she wouldn 't notice my absence today . I did call her this morning . I woke her up at about 9 : 15 a . m . , which makes me wonder if she is routinely missing breakfast or if she can drift off that quickly after that meal . She seemed OK . She said , " Did you have a nice time ? " and I told her I was just relaxing , and had driven all day to get where I was . I told her she 'd be having a special lunch today . " Will you be here ? " she asked . I said no , I was away on a trip . " Who 's going to take me places ? " she said . I told her she didn 't have to go anywhere - that the lunch was right there at her facility and things would be pretty much the same , but the food would be better . " What 's the news ? " she asked . I told her I had no real news , was just checking on her . I asked about the cat . He was fine . We agreed we were done talking and she said : " Bye ! " So , we 're off to a good start . I did not give Mom anything for Mother 's Day . In general , gifts no longer carry much meaning for her . At Christmas , she received several gifts , but in the course of opening them , forgot about the items she had earlier unwrapped . She didn 't recognize anything for long as something new she had received for a holiday known as Christmas . So now that this holiday is over I won 't have to be annoyed anymore by the Mother 's Day marketing . And I won 't have to feel guilty by suggestions ( my perception ) by facility staff that I should actually be there on Mother 's Day . They witness Mom 's behavior regularly . They should know her cognitive awareness is pretty limited . Mostly it will just be nice not to be reminded anymore that I don 't have a mother looking forward to a spa day , or flowers , or cosmetics , or perfume , or a gift card , or a special brunch , or fancy chocolates . A new pair of socks , maybe . A jar of almonds , probably . Something memorable , not necessary anymore . Filed under : Here and now | Leave a comment I visited Mom quite briefly today before my departure for vacation . I caught her shortly before dinner . I stocked her underwear drawer to the brim with disposable pants and scooped the litter . The litter has been a little short on pee and poop lately . I hope that means Mom is scooping and not that the cat is ill or not eating or anything of that sort . I saw him today and he looked fine , resting on the bed . Mom seemed pretty eager to go to dinner . I reminded her that I was going on a little trip but that I would call her and be back before she knew it . She seemed completely unimpressed by that information . Which is good . I did ask how she was doing , and she said , " Not so good , " but she didn 't go on to attempt to explain anything that is wrong . Maybe that is her current default answer . She did not seem depressed or confused . Just sort of a little blank . While I was scooping the litter , bent over , she did poke me in the butt . Which I found amusing . " I feel ornery , " she said . I love it when she is playful like that . I stopped to talk to the head nurse about any med refills that might come up during the week . I asked that they be filled at the facility pharmacy rather than at Kroger , where I go regularly to pick up refills they have called in . I just had to give verbal permission to make this arrangement . I figure when Mom moves to the nursing home side , I will transfer all her meds to the facility pharmacy . I suspect that will make monetary transactions easier - in that Medicaid will cover it all . The nurse asked what I thought about Mom and whether she has shown any major changes . Today was her last day on the antipsychotic , and for a week she has taken a reduced dose . I told her I thought Mom had been more prone to say she was depressed , but that she also seemed a little less completely befuddled and confused . Still plenty confused , but not quite so cyclical in her concerns . And not crying or anything , just a little down . The nurse said she thought Mom seemed a little more " blank " lately . I have definitely thought that , as well . The facility doctor and the neurologist are supposed to consult this week while I 'm away to be sure Mom is doing OK without this drug . The nurse said that while I 'm gone , the staff will use an as - needed drug if necessary - for example , if Mom wanders or becomes highly agitated . And I gave my full endorsement of that plan . " Do what it takes to make her not sad and not scared , " I said . She did say that Mom carried the cat 's water bowl into the dining room this week and placed it on her dining table . Anyone iffy about germs probably did not appreciate that . Plus , what was she thinking ? That is a first as far as I know . I don 't really even know how it was resolved . When I dropped Mom at the dining room , she held out her hand to give mine a shake . I hugged her as well - but the handshake was another new thing . She may have been goofing around . Sometimes it 's hard to tell . I said , " I 'll see you in a week , " and she said , " Thanks for stopping by , " and waved and walked on in to her table . I 'd say at that moment , at least , she was not upset about my decision to go away . And for that , I am grateful . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 2 ) We had lunch at Bob Evans . I had promised I would take her out before I left for vacation , and today was really the only possible day . I didn 't write anything down , but the things she said were memorable . It was an odd mixture today . She seemed so confused at first , perhaps because she had just woken from a nap . Before we left for the restaurant , she was carrying around a pair of socks in the hallway , so we went back in her apartment to put on the socks . And I combed her hair . She had bed head . She had on the pink striped T - shirt that I had put in her laundry basket , dirty , on Sunday . Plus pink pants and pink Crocs . And a dark floral jacket . As the meal wore on , she had a few moments of what seemed like lucidity , or at least something closer to that than to total confusion . I 'm wondering if her head is clearing a little with the reduced dose of the antipsychotic . She didn 't seem depressed or fretful . But when she had trouble remembering what she wanted to say , or started something but couldn 't finish , she showed frustration . Sometimes with a laugh , sometimes not . And she seemed to feel pressure to converse . I tried to ease her mind about that and just be chatty . And I reminded her that I would be away for a few days , and then I 'd come back and everything would be normal again . And that soon my sister will visit , and we 'll go to the zoo . " Have you noticed any change in me ? I mean really , have you ? " ( To which I replied , " You seem to worry about the cat more than you used to . " ) During this particular outing , I felt choked up from time to time . Even worse for me than her fretting is my observation of any kind of frustration on her part , I realized . I think I cannot win in this regard . Lately , it has been one or the other . |
THERE are many times in this world when a healthy boy is happy . When he is put into knickerbockers , for instance , and ' comes a man to - day , ' as my little Jim used to say . When they 're cooking something at home that he likes . When the ' sandy - blight ' or measles breaks out amongst the children , or the teacher or his wife falls dangerously ill - or dies , it doesn 't matter which - ' and there ain 't no school . ' When a boy is naked and in his natural state for a warm climate like Australia , with three or four of his schoolmates , under the shade of the creek - oaks in the bend where there 's a good clear pool with a sandy bottom . When his father buys him a gun , and he starts out after kangaroos or ' possums . When he gets a horse , saddle , and bridle , of his own . When he has his arm in splints or a stitch in his head - he 's proud then , the proudest boy in the district . I wasn 't a healthy - minded , average boy : I reckon I was born for a poet by mistake , and grew up to be a Bushman , and didn 't know what was the matter with me - or the world - but that 's got nothing to do with it . There are times when a man is happy . When he finds out that the girl loves him . When he 's just married . When he 's a lawful father for the first time , and everything is going on all right : some men make fools of themselves then - I know I did . I 'm happy to - night because I 'm out of debt and can see clear ahead , and because I haven 't been easy for a long time . But I think that the happiest time in a man 's life is when he 's courting a girl and finds out for sure that she loves him and hasn 't a thought for any one else . Make the most of your courting days , you young chaps , and keep them clean , for they 're about the only days when there 's a chance of poetry and beauty coming into this life . Make the best of them and you 'll never regret it the longest day you live . They 're the days that the wife will look back to , anyway , in the brightest of times as well as in the blackest , and there shouldn 't be anything in those days that might hurt her when she looks back . Make the most of your courting days , you young chaps , for they will never come again . A married man knows all about it - after a while : he sees the woman world through the eyes of his wife ; he knows what an extra moment 's pressure of the hand means , and , if he has had a hard life , and is inclined to be cynical , the knowledge does him no good . It leads him into awful messes sometimes , for a married man , if he 's inclined that way , has three times the chance with a woman that a single man has - because the married man knows . He is privileged ; he can guess pretty closely what a woman means when she says something else ; he knows just how far he can go ; he can go farther in five minutes towards coming to the point with a woman than an innocent young man dares go in three weeks . Above all , the married man is more decided with women ; he takes them and things for granted . In short he is - well , he is a married man . And , when he knows all this , how much better or happier is he for it ? Mark Twain says that he lost all the beauty of the river when he saw it with a pilot 's eye , - and there you have it . But it 's all new to a young chap , provided he hasn 't been a young blackguard . It 's all wonderful , new , and strange to him . He 's a different man . He finds that he never knew anything about women . He sees none of woman 's little ways and tricks in his girl . He is in heaven one day and down near the other place the next ; and that 's the sort of thing that makes life interesting . He takes his new world for granted . And , when she says she 'll be his wife - - ! Make the most of your courting days , you young chaps , for they 've got a lot of influence on your married life afterwards - a lot more than you 'd think . Make the best of them , for they 'll never come any more , unless we do our courting over again in another world . If we do , I 'll make the most of mine . But , looking back , I didn 't do so badly after all . I never told you about the days I courted Mary . The more I look back the more I come to think that I made the most of them , and if I had no more to regret in married life than I have in my courting days , I wouldn 't walk to and fro in the room , or up and down the yard in the dark sometimes , or lie awake some nights thinking . . . . Ah well ! I was between twenty - one and thirty then : birthdays had never been any use to me , and I 'd left off counting them . You don 't take much stock in birthdays in the Bush . I 'd knocked about the country for a few years , shearing and fencing and droving a little , and wasting my life without getting anything for it . I drank now and then , and made a fool of myself . I was reckoned ' wild ' ; but I only drank because I felt less sensitive , and the world seemed a lot saner and better and kinder when I had a few drinks : I loved my fellow - man then and felt nearer to him . It 's better to be thought ' wild ' than to be considered eccentric or ratty . Now , my old mate , Jack Barnes , drank - as far as I could see - first because he 'd inherited the gambling habit from his father along with his father 's luck : he 'd the habit of being cheated and losing very bad , and when he lost he drank . Till drink got a hold on him . Jack was sentimental too , but in a different way . I was sentimental about other people - more fool I ! - whereas Jack was sentimental about himself . Before he was married , and when he was recovering from a spree , he 'd write rhymes about ' Only a boy , drunk by the roadside ' , and that sort of thing ; and he 'd call ' em poetry , and talk about signing them and sending them to the Town and Country Journal . But he generally tore them up when he got better . The Bush is breeding a race of poets , and I don 't know what the country will come to in the end . Well . It was after Jack and I had been out shearing at Beenaway shed in the Big Scrubs . Jack was living in the little farming town of Solong , and I was hanging round . Black , the squatter , wanted some fencing done and a new stable built , or buggy and harness - house , at his place at Haviland , a few miles out of Solong . Jack and I were good Bush carpenters , so we took the job to keep us going till something else turned up . ' Better than doing nothing , ' said Jack . ' There 's a nice little girl in service at Black 's , ' he said . ' She 's more like an adopted daughter , in fact , than a servant . She 's a real good little girl , and good - looking into the bargain . I hear that young Black is sweet on her , but they say she won 't have anything to do with him . I know a lot of chaps that have tried for her , but they 've never had any luck . She 's a regular little dumpling , and I like dumplings . They call her ' Possum . You ought to try a bear up in that direction , Joe . ' I was always shy with women - except perhaps some that I should have fought shy of ; but Jack wasn 't - he was afraid of no woman , good , bad , or indifferent . I haven 't time to explain why , but somehow , whenever a girl took any notice of me I took it for granted that she was only playing with me , and felt nasty about it . I made one or two mistakes , but - ah well ! I reckoned that he wouldn 't get me there then , and made a note to be on the watch for tricks . I had a hopeless little love - story behind me , of course . I suppose most married men can look back to their lost love ; few marry the first flame . Many a married man looks back and thinks it was damned lucky that he didn 't get the girl he couldn 't have . Jack had been my successful rival , only he didn 't know it - I don 't think his wife knew it either . I used to think her the prettiest and sweetest little girl in the district . But Jack was mighty keen on fixing me up with the little girl at Haviland . He seemed to take it for granted that I was going to fall in love with her at first sight . He took too many things for granted as far as I was concerned , and got me into awful tangles sometimes . ' You let me alone , and I 'll fix you up , Joe , ' he said , as we rode up to the station . ' I 'll make it all right with the girl . You 're rather a good - looking chap . You 've got the sort of eyes that take with girls , only you don 't know it ; you haven 't got the go . If I had your eyes along with my other attractions , I 'd be in trouble on account of a woman about once a - week . ' Do you remember the first glimpse you got of your wife ? Perhaps not in England , where so many couples grow up together from childhood ; but it 's different in Australia , where you may hail from two thousand miles away from where your wife was born , and yet she may be a countrywoman of yours , and a countrywoman in ideas and politics too . I remember the first glimpse I got of Mary . It was a two - storey brick house with wide balconies and verandahs all round , and a double row of pines down to the front gate . Parallel at the back was an old slab - and - shingle place , one room deep and about eight rooms long , with a row of skillions at the back : the place was used for kitchen , laundry , servants ' rooms , & c . This was the old homestead before the new house was built . There was a wide , old - fashioned , brick - floored verandah in front , with an open end ; there was ivy climbing up the verandah post on one side and a baby - rose on the other , and a grape - vine near the chimney . We rode up to the end of the verandah , and Jack called to see if there was any one at home , and Mary came trotting out ; so it was in the frame of vines that I first saw her . More than once since then I 've had a fancy to wonder whether the rose - bush killed the grape - vine or the ivy smothered ' em both in the end . I used to have a vague idea of riding that way some day to see . You do get strange fancies at odd times . Jack asked her if the boss was in . He did all the talking . I saw a little girl , rather plump , with a complexion like a New England or Blue Mountain girl , or a girl from Tasmania or from Gippsland in Victoria . Red and white girls were very scarce in the Solong district . She had the biggest and brightest eyes I 'd seen round there , dark hazel eyes , as I found out afterwards , and bright as a ' possum 's . No wonder they called her " Possum " . I forgot at once that Mrs Jack Barnes was the prettiest girl in the district . I felt a sort of comfortable satisfaction in the fact that I was on horseback : most Bushmen look better on horseback . It was a black filly , a fresh young thing , and she seemed as shy of girls as I was myself . I noticed Mary glanced in my direction once or twice to see if she knew me ; but , when she looked , the filly took all my attention . Mary trotted in to tell old Black he was wanted , and after Jack had seen him , and arranged to start work next day , we started back to Solong . I expected Jack to ask me what I thought of Mary - but he didn 't . He squinted at me sideways once or twice and didn 't say anything for a long time , and then he started talking of other things . I began to feel wild at him . He seemed so damnably satisfied with the way things were going . He seemed to reckon that I was a gone case now ; but , as he didn 't say so , I had no way of getting at him . I felt sure he 'd go home and tell his wife that Joe Wilson was properly gone on little ' Possum at Haviland . That was all Jack 's way . Next morning we started to work . We were to build the buggy - house at the back near the end of the old house , but first we had to take down a rotten old place that might have been the original hut in the Bush before the old house was built . There was a window in it , opposite the laundry window in the old place , and the first thing I did was to take out the sash . I 'd noticed Jack yarning with ' Possum before he started work . While I was at work at the window he called me round to the other end of the hut to help him lift a grindstone out of the way ; and when we 'd done it , he took the tips of my ear between his fingers and thumb and stretched it and whispered into it - That window reflected the laundry window : the room was dark inside and there was a good clear reflection ; and presently I saw Mary come to the laundry window and stand with her hands behind her back , thoughtfully watching me . The laundry window had an old - fashioned hinged sash , and I like that sort of window - there 's more romance about it , I think . There was thick dark - green ivy all round the window , and Mary looked prettier than a picture . I squared up my shoulders and put my heels together and put as much style as I could into the work . I couldn 't have turned round to save my life . ' Oh , that 's as simple as striking matches . I 'm up to all those dodges . Why , where there wasn 't a window , I 've fixed up a piece of looking - glass to see if a girl was taking any notice of me when she thought I wasn 't looking . ' He went away , and presently Mary was at the window again , and this time she had a tray with cups of tea and a plate of cake and bread - and - butter . I was prizing off the strips that held the sash , very carefully , and my heart suddenly commenced to gallop , without any reference to me . I 'd never felt like that before , except once or twice . It was just as if I 'd swallowed some clockwork arrangement , unconsciously , and it had started to go , without warning . I reckon it was all on account of that blarsted Jack working me up . He had a quiet way of working you up to a thing , that made you want to hit him sometimes - after you 'd made an ass of yourself . ' Oh , thank you ! ' I said , and I made a dive for the window , as if hurry would help it . I trod on an old cask - hoop ; it sprang up and dinted my shin and I stumbled - and that didn 't help matters much . I was about the reddest shy lanky fool of a Bushman that was ever taken at a disadvantage on foot , and when I took the tray my hands shook so that a lot of the tea was spilt into the saucers . I embarrassed her too , like the damned fool I was , till she must have been as red as I was , and it 's a wonder we didn 't spill the whole lot between us . I got away from the window in as much of a hurry as if Jack had cut his leg with a chisel and fainted , and I was running with whisky for him . I blundered round to where he was , feeling like a man feels when he 's just made an ass of himself in public . The memory of that sort of thing hurts you worse and makes you jerk your head more impatiently than the thought of a past crime would , I think . ' Here , Jack ! ' I said . ' I 've struck something all right ; here 's some tea and brownie - we 'll hang out here all right . ' ' That 's a very pretty little girl , ' Possum , isn 't she , Joe ? Do you notice how she dresses ? - always fresh and trim . But she 's got on her best bib - and - tucker to - day , and a pinafore with frills to it . And it 's ironing - day , too . It can 't be on your account . If it was Saturday or Sunday afternoon , or some holiday , I could understand it . But perhaps one of her admirers is going to take her to the church bazaar in Solong to - night . That 's what it is . ' ' But yet she seems interested in you , Joe , ' he said . ' Why didn 't you offer to take her to the bazaar instead of letting another chap get in ahead of you ? You miss all your chances , Joe . ' ' Well , that 's true , as far as I could make out . But you 've only got yourself to blame . I didn 't have the breeding and rearing of you . I smoothed over matters with her as much as I could . ' ' And she asked me if it was true that you were wild , ' said Jack , ' and I said you was , a bit . She said it seemed a pity . She asked me if it was true that you drank , and I drew a long face and said that I was sorry to say it was true . She asked me if you had any friends , and I said none that I knew of , except me . I said that you 'd lost all your friends ; they stuck to you as long as they could , but they had to give you best , one after the other . ' ' She asked me if you were delicate , and I said no , you were as tough as fencing - wire . She said you looked rather pale and thin , and asked me if you 'd had an illness lately . And I said no - it was all on account of the wild , dissipated life you 'd led . She said it was a pity you hadn 't a mother or a sister to look after you - it was a pity that something couldn 't be done for you , and I said it was , but I was afraid that nothing could be done . I told her that I was doing all I could to keep you straight . ' I knew enough of Jack to know that most of this was true . And so she only pitied me after all . I felt as if I 'd been courting her for six months and she 'd thrown me over - but I didn 't know anything about women yet . ' No , by Gum ! I forgot that . But never mind I 'll fix that up all right . I 'll tell her that you got two years ' hard for horse - stealing . That ought to make her interested in you , if she isn 't already . ' ' Who ? - Oh ! ' Possum , ' said Jack rousing himself . ' Well - no ; let me think - - We got chatting of other things - you know a married man 's privileged , and can say a lot more to a girl than a single man can . I got talking nonsense about sweethearts , and one thing led to another till at last she said , " I suppose Mr Wilson 's got a sweetheart , Mr Barnes ? " ' I didn 't see Mary 's reflection in the window again , so I took the window out . I reckoned that she was just a big - hearted , impulsive little thing , as many Australian girls are , and I reckoned that I was a fool for thinking for a moment that she might give me a second thought , except by way of kindness . Why ! young Black and half a dozen better men than me were sweet on her , and young Black was to get his father 's station and the money - or rather his mother 's money , for she held the stuff ( she kept it close too , by all accounts ) . Young Black was away at the time , and his mother was dead against him about Mary , but that didn 't make any difference , as far as I could see . I reckoned that it was only just going to be a hopeless , heart - breaking , stand - far - off - and - worship affair , as far as I was concerned - like my first love affair , that I haven 't told you about yet . I was tired of being pitied by good girls . You see , I didn 't know women then . If I had known , I think I might have made more than one mess of my life . Jack rode home to Solong every night . I was staying at a pub some distance out of town , between Solong and Haviland . There were three or four wet days , and we didn 't get on with the work . I fought shy of Mary till one day she was hanging out clothes and the line broke . It was the old - style sixpenny clothes - line . The clothes were all down , but it was clean grass , so it didn 't matter much . I looked at Jack . ' Oh , thank you , Mr Wilson ! ' said Mary , when I came to help . She had the broken end of the line and was trying to hold some of the clothes off the ground , as if she could pull it an inch with the heavy wet sheets and table - cloths and things on it , or as if it would do any good if she did . But that 's the way with women - especially little women - some of ' em would try to pull a store bullock if they got the end of the rope on the right side of the fence . I took the line from Mary , and accidentally touched her soft , plump little hand as I did so : it sent a thrill right through me . She seemed a lot cooler than I was . Now , in cases like this , especially if you lose your head a bit , you get hold of the loose end of the rope that 's hanging from the post with one hand , and the end of the line with the clothes on with the other , and try to pull ' em far enough together to make a knot . And that 's about all you do for the present , except look like a fool . Then I took off the post end , spliced the line , took it over the fork , and pulled , while Mary helped me with the prop . I thought Jack might have come and taken the prop from her , but he didn 't ; he just went on with his work as if nothing was happening inside the horizon . She 'd got the line about two - thirds full of clothes , it was a bit short now , so she had to jump and catch it with one hand and hold it down while she pegged a sheet she 'd thrown over . I 'd made the plunge now , so I volunteered to help her . I held down the line while she threw the things over and pegged out . As we got near the post and higher I straightened out some ends and pegged myself . Bushmen are handy at most things . We laughed , and now and again Mary would say , ' No , that 's not the way , Mr Wilson ; that 's not right ; the sheet isn 't far enough over ; wait till I fix it , ' & c . I 'd a reckless idea once of holding her up while she pegged , and I was glad afterwards that I hadn 't made such a fool of myself . ' Oh , those things are not ready yet , ' she said , ' they 're not rinsed , ' and she grabbed the basket and held it away from me . The things looked the same to me as the rest on the line ; they looked rinsed enough and blued too . I reckoned that she didn 't want me to take the trouble , or thought that I mightn 't like to be seen hanging out clothes , and was only doing it out of kindness . ' Oh , it 's no trouble , ' I said , ' let me hang ' em out . I like it . I 've hung out clothes at home on a windy day , ' and I made a reach into the basket . But she flushed red , with temper I thought , and snatched the basket away . When I told Jack , he said that I 'd made another fool of myself . He said I 'd both disappointed and offended her . He said that my line was to stand off a bit and be serious and melancholy in the background . For the next day or two Mary didn 't take the slightest notice of me , and I kept out of her way . Jack said I 'd disillusioned her - and hurt her dignity - which was a thousand times worse . He said I 'd spoilt the thing altogether . He said that she 'd got an idea that I was shy and poetic , and I 'd only shown myself the usual sort of Bush - whacker . ' Yes , ' she said , ' but I can 't get any one to play with me here of an evening , the men are generally playing cards or reading . ' Then she said , ' It 's very dull these long winter evenings when you 've got nothing to do . Young Mr Black used to play draughts , but he 's away . ' We fixed it for that same evening . We got chummy over the draughts . I had a suspicion even then that it was a put - up job to keep me away from the pub . Perhaps she found a way of giving a hint to old Black without committing herself . Women have ways - or perhaps Jack did it . Anyway , next day the Boss came round and said to me - ' Look here , Joe , you 've got no occasion to stay at the pub . Bring along your blankets and camp in one of the spare rooms of the old house . You can have your tucker here . ' Next day I found one of the skillion rooms scrubbed out and a bed fixed up for me . I 'm not sure to this day who did it , but I supposed that good - natured old Black had given one of the women a hint . After tea I had a yarn with Mary , sitting on a log of the wood - heap . I don 't remember exactly how we both came to be there , or who sat down first . There was about two feet between us . We got very chummy and confidential . She told me about her childhood and her father . He 'd been an old mate of Black 's , a younger son of a well - to - do English family ( with blue blood in it , I believe ) , and sent out to Australia with a thousand pounds to make his way , as many younger sons are , with more or less . They think they 're hard done by ; they blue their thousand pounds in Melbourne or Sydney , and they don 't make any more nowadays , for the Roarin ' Days have been dead these thirty years . I wish I 'd had a thousand pounds to start on ! Mary 's mother was the daughter of a German immigrant , who selected up there in the old days . She had a will of her own as far as I could understand , and bossed the home till the day of her death . Mary 's father made money , and lost it , and drank - and died . Mary remembered him sitting on the verandah one evening with his hand on her head , and singing a German song ( the ' Lorelei ' , I think it was ) softly , as if to himself . Next day he stayed in bed , and the children were kept out of the room ; and , when he died , the children were adopted round ( there was a little money coming from England ) . Mary told me all about her girlhood . She went first to live with a sort of cousin in town , in a house where they took in cards on a tray , and then she came to live with Mrs Black , who took a fancy to her at first . I 'd had no boyhood to speak of , so I gave her some of my ideas of what the world ought to be , and she seemed interested . We got very chummy . Mary wasn 't comfortable at Haviland . Old Black was very fond of her and always took her part , but she wanted to be independent . She had a great idea of going to Sydney and getting into the hospital as a nurse . She had friends in Sydney , but she had no money . There was a little money coming to her when she was twenty - one - a few pounds - and she was going to try and get it before that time . ' Look here , Miss Brand , ' I said , after we 'd watched the moon rise . ' I 'll lend you the money . I 've got plenty - more than I know what to do with . ' I reckoned I 'd done it that time ; but Mary told me afterwards that she was only hurt because it struck her that what she said about money might have been taken for a hint . She didn 't understand me yet , and I didn 't know human nature . I didn 't say anything to Jack - in fact about this time I left off telling him about things . He didn 't seem hurt ; he worked hard and seemed happy . I really meant what I said to Mary about the money . It was pure good nature . I 'd be a happier man now , I think , and richer man perhaps , if I 'd never grown any more selfish than I was that night on the wood - heap with Mary . I felt a great sympathy for her - but I got to love her . I went through all the ups and downs of it . One day I was having tea in the kitchen , and Mary and another girl , named Sarah , reached me a clean plate at the same time : I took Sarah 's plate because she was first , and Mary seemed very nasty about it , and that gave me great hopes . But all next evening she played draughts with a drover that she 'd chummed up with . I pretended to be interested in Sarah 's talk , but it didn 't seem to work . A few days later a Sydney Jackaroo visited the station . He had a good pea - rifle , and one afternoon he started to teach Mary to shoot at a target . They seemed to get very chummy . I had a nice time for three or four days , I can tell you . I was worse than a wall - eyed bullock with the pleuro . The other chaps had a shot out of the rifle . Mary called ' Mr Wilson ' to have a shot , and I made a worse fool of myself by sulking . If it hadn 't been a blooming Jackaroo I wouldn 't have minded so much . Next evening the Jackaroo and one or two other chaps and the girls went out ' possum - shooting . Mary went . I could have gone , but I didn 't . I mooched round all the evening like an orphan bandicoot on a burnt ridge , and then I went up to the pub and filled myself with beer , and damned the world , and came home and went to bed . I think that evening was the only time I ever wrote poetry down on a piece of paper . I got so miserable that I enjoyed it . I puzzled over that afterwards , but couldn 't make anything out of it . Perhaps she only said it for the sake of saying something . But about this time my handkerchiefs and collars disappeared from the room and turned up washed and ironed and laid tidily on my table . I used to keep an eye out , but could never catch anybody near my room . I straightened up , and kept my room a bit tidy , and when my handkerchief got too dirty , and I was ashamed of letting it go to the wash , I 'd slip down to the river after dark and wash it out , and dry it next day , and rub it up to look as if it hadn 't been washed , and leave it on my table . I felt so full of hope and joy that I worked twice as hard as Jack , till one morning he remarked casually - It was the evening before Anniversary Day . Jack and I had put in a good day 's work to get the job finished , and Jack was having a smoke and a yarn with the chaps before he started home . We sat on an old log along by the fence at the back of the house . There was Jimmy Nowlett the bullock - driver , and long Dave Regan the drover , and big Jim Bullock the fencer , and one or two others . Mary and the station girls and one or two visitors were sitting under the old verandah . The Jackaroo was there too , so I felt happy . It was the girls who used to bring the chaps hanging round . They were getting up a dance party for Anniversary night . Along in the evening another chap came riding up to the station : he was a big shearer , a dark , handsome fellow , who looked like a gipsy : it was reckoned that there was foreign blood in him . He went by the name of Romany . He was supposed to be shook after Mary too . He had the nastiest temper and the best violin in the district , and the chaps put up with him a lot because they wanted him to play at Bush dances . The moon had risen over Pine Ridge , but it was dusky where we were . We saw Romany loom up , riding in from the gate ; he rode round the end of the coach - house and across towards where we were - I suppose he was going to tie up his horse at the fence ; but about half - way across the grass he disappeared . It struck me that there was something peculiar about the way he got down , and I heard a sound like a horse stumbling . A couple of chaps got up and went to see . Then there was that waiting , mysterious silence that comes when something happens in the dark and nobody knows what it is . I went over , and the thing dawned on me . I 'd stretched a wire clothes - line across there during the day , and had forgotten all about it for the moment . Romany had no idea of the line , and , as he rode up , it caught him on a level with his elbows and scraped him off his horse . He was sitting on the grass , swearing in a surprised voice , and the horse looked surprised too . Romany wasn 't hurt , but the sudden shock had spoilt his temper . He wanted to know who 'd put up that bloody line . He came over and sat on the log . The chaps smoked a while . ' Unless it was a transparency with a candle behind it , ' said Dave Regan . ' But why didn 't you get down on one end , Romany , instead of all along ? It wouldn 't have jolted yer so much . ' All this with the Bush drawl , and between the puffs of their pipes . But I didn 't take any interest in it . I was brooding over Mary and the Jackaroo . Mary was singing an old song . I always thought she had a sweet voice , and I 'd have enjoyed it if that damned Jackaroo hadn 't been listening too . We listened in silence until she 'd finished . I moved , and Jack , he was sitting next me , nudged me to keep quiet . The chaps didn 't like Romany 's talk about ' Possum at all . They were all fond of her : she wasn 't a pet or a tomboy , for she wasn 't built that way , but they were fond of her in such a way that they didn 't like to hear anything said about her . They said nothing for a while , but it meant a lot . Perhaps the single men didn 't care to speak for fear that it would be said that they were gone on Mary . But presently Jimmy Nowlett gave a big puff at his pipe and spoke - ' Oh , she tried it on , but it didn 't go , ' said Romany . ' I 've met her sort before . She 's setting her cap at that Jackaroo now . Some girls will run after anything with trousers on , ' and he stood up . Little Jimmy Nowlett was between us and the other fellows round us before a blow got home . ' Hold on , you damned fools ! ' they said . ' Keep quiet till we get away from the house ! ' There was a little clear flat down by the river and plenty of light there , so we decided to go down there and have it out . Now I never was a fighting man ; I 'd never learnt to use my hands . I scarcely knew how to put them up . Jack often wanted to teach me , but I wouldn 't bother about it . He 'd say , ' You 'll get into a fight some day , Joe , or out of one , and shame me ; ' but I hadn 't the patience to learn . He 'd wanted me to take lessons at the station after work , but he used to get excited , and I didn 't want Mary to see him knocking me about . Before he was married Jack was always getting into fights - he generally tackled a better man and got a hiding ; but he didn 't seem to care so long as he made a good show - though he used to explain the thing away from a scientific point of view for weeks after . To tell the truth , I had a horror of fighting ; I had a horror of being marked about the face ; I think I 'd sooner stand off and fight a man with revolvers than fight him with fists ; and then I think I would say , last thing , ' Don 't shoot me in the face ! ' Then again I hated the idea of hitting a man . It seemed brutal to me . I was too sensitive and sentimental , and that was what the matter was . Jack seemed very serious on it as we walked down to the river , and he couldn 't help hanging out blue lights . ' Why didn 't you let me teach you to use your hands ? ' he said . ' The only chance now is that Romany can 't fight after all . If you 'd waited a minute I 'd have been at him . ' We were a bit behind the rest , and Jack started giving me points about lefts and rights , and ' half - arms ' , and that sort of thing . ' He 's left - handed , and that 's the worst of it , ' said Jack . ' You must only make as good a show as you can , and one of us will take him on afterwards . ' But I just heard him and that was all . It was to be my first fight since I was a boy , but , somehow , I felt cool about it - sort of dulled . If the chaps had known all they would have set me down as a cur . I thought of that , but it didn 't make any difference with me then ; I knew it was a thing they couldn 't understand . I knew I was reckoned pretty soft . But I knew one thing that they didn 't know . I knew that it was going to be a fight to a finish , one way or the other . I had more brains and imagination than the rest put together , and I suppose that that was the real cause of most of my trouble . I kept saying to myself , ' You 'll have to go through with it now , Joe , old man ! It 's the turning - point of your life . ' If I won the fight , I 'd set to work and win Mary ; if I lost , I 'd leave the district for ever . A man thinks a lot in a flash sometimes ; I used to get excited over little things , because of the very paltriness of them , but I was mostly cool in a crisis - Jack was the reverse . I looked ahead : I wouldn 't be able to marry a girl who could look back and remember when her husband was beaten by another man - no matter what sort of brute the other man was . It was very quiet in the little moonlit flat by the river . We took off our coats and were ready . There was no swearing or barracking . It seemed an understood thing with the men that if I went out first round Jack would fight Romany ; and if Jack knocked him out somebody else would fight Jack to square matters . Jim Bullock wouldn 't mind obliging for one ; he was a mate of Jack 's , but he didn 't mind who he fought so long as it was for the sake of fair play - or ' peace and quietness ' , as he said . Jim was very good - natured . He backed Romany , and of course Jack backed me . As far as I could see , all Romany knew about fighting was to jerk one arm up in front of his face and duck his head by way of a feint , and then rush and lunge out . But he had the weight and strength and length of reach , and my first lesson was a very short one . I went down early in the round . But it did me good ; the blow and the look I 'd seen in Romany 's eyes knocked all the sentiment out of me . Jack said nothing , - he seemed to regard it as a hopeless job from the first . Next round I tried to remember some things Jack had told me , and made a better show , but I went down in the end . When two men fight who don 't know how to use their hands , they stand a show of knocking each other about a lot . I got some awful thumps , but mostly on the body . Jimmy Nowlett began to get excited and jump round - he was an excitable little fellow . ' Fight ! you - - ! ' he yelled . ' Why don 't you fight ? That ain 't fightin ' . Fight , and don 't try to murder each other . Use your crimson hands or , by God , I 'll chip you ! Fight , or I 'll blanky well bullock - whip the pair of you ; ' then his language got awful . They said we went like windmills , and that nearly every one of the blows we made was enough to kill a bullock if it had got home . Jimmy stopped us once , but they held him back . ' For God 's sake , hit him ! ' whispered Jack - he was trembling like a leaf . ' Don 't mind what I told you . I wish I was fighting him myself ! Get a blow home , for God 's sake ! Make a good show this round and I 'll stop the fight . ' I had the Bushman up in me now , and wasn 't going to be beaten while I could think . I was wonderfully cool , and learning to fight . There 's nothing like a fight to teach a man . I was thinking fast , and learning more in three seconds than Jack 's sparring could have taught me in three weeks . People think that blows hurt in a fight , but they don 't - not till afterwards . I fancy that a fighting man , if he isn 't altogether an animal , suffers more mentally than he does physically . While I was getting my wind I could hear through the moonlight and still air the sound of Mary 's voice singing up at the house . I thought hard into the future , even as I fought . The fight only seemed something that was passing . I was on my feet again and at it , and presently I lunged out and felt such a jar in my arm that I thought it was telescoped . I thought I 'd put out my wrist and elbow . And Romany was lying on the broad of his back . I heard Jack draw three breaths of relief in one . He said nothing as he straightened me up , but I could feel his heart beating . He said afterwards that he didn 't speak because he thought a word might spoil it . ' Any way , ' said Jimmy Nowlett , ' if he 'd stuck Joe in hot blood before us all it wouldn 't be so bad as if he sneaked up and stuck him in the back in the dark . But you 'd best keep an eye over yer shoulder for a year or two , Joe . That chap 's got Eye - talian blood in him somewhere . And now the best thing you chaps can do is to keep your mouth shut and keep all this dark from the gals . ' Jack hurried me on ahead . He seemed to act queer , and when I glanced at him I could have sworn that there was water in his eyes . I said that Jack had no sentiment except for himself , but I forgot , and I 'm sorry I said it . ' Nothing , ' said Jack , ' except that I 'm damned proud of you , Joe , you old ass ! ' and he put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a shake . ' I didn 't know it was in you , Joe - I wouldn 't have said it before , or listened to any other man say it , but I didn 't think you had the pluck - God 's truth , I didn 't . Come along and get your face fixed up . ' While he was at work we heard a sudden hush and a scraping of feet amongst the chaps that Jack had kicked out of the room , and a girl 's voice whispered , ' Is he hurt ? Tell me . I want to know , - I might be able to help . ' It made my heart jump , I can tell you . Jack went out at once , and there was some whispering . When he came back he seemed wild . ' Oh , nothing , ' he said , ' only that damned slut of a half - caste cook overheard some of those blanky fools arguing as to how Romany 's knife got out of the sheath , and she 's put a nice yarn round amongst the girls . There 's a regular bobbery , but it 's all right now . Jimmy Nowlett 's telling ' em lies at a great rate . ' I felt the reaction pretty bad . I didn 't feel proud of the affair at all . I thought it was a low , brutal business all round . Romany was a quiet chap after all , and the chaps had no right to chyack him . Perhaps he 'd had a hard life , and carried a big swag of trouble that we didn 't know anything about . He seemed a lonely man . I 'd gone through enough myself to teach me not to judge men . I made up my mind to tell him how I felt about the matter next time we met . Perhaps I made my usual mistake of bothering about ' feelings ' in another party that hadn 't any feelings at all - perhaps I didn 't ; but it 's generally best to chance it on the kind side in a case like this . Altogether I felt as if I 'd made another fool of myself and been a weak coward . I drank the rest of the beer and went to sleep . About daylight I woke and heard Jack 's horse on the gravel . He came round the back of the buggy - shed and up to my door , and then , suddenly , a girl screamed out . I pulled on my trousers and ' lastic - side boots and hurried out . It was Mary herself , dressed , and sitting on an old stone step at the back of the kitchen with her face in her hands , and Jack was off his horse and stooping by her side with his hand on her shoulder . She kept saying , ' I thought you were - - ! I thought you were - - ! ' I didn 't catch the name . An old single - barrel , muzzle - loader shot - gun was lying in the grass at her feet . It was the gun they used to keep loaded and hanging in straps in a room of the kitchen ready for a shot at a cunning old hawk that they called ' ' Tarnal Death ' , and that used to be always after the chickens . ' Oh , I 'm a little fool ! ' she said quickly . ' I thought I heard old ' Tarnal Death at the chickens , and I thought it would be a great thing if I got the gun and brought him down ; so I got up and dressed quietly so as not to wake Sarah . And then you came round the corner and frightened me . I don 't know what you must think of me , Mr Barnes . ' ' Never mind , ' said Jack . ' You go and have a sleep , or you won 't be able to dance to - night . Never mind the gun - I 'll put that away . ' And he steered her round to the door of her room off the brick verandah where she slept with one of the other girls . We were hard at work all the morning cleaning out the big wool - shed and getting it ready for the dance , hanging hoops for the candles , making seats , & c . I kept out of sight of the girls as much as I could . One side of my face was a sight and the other wasn 't too classical . I felt as if I had been stung by a swarm of bees . ' You 're a fresh , sweet - scented beauty now , and no mistake , Joe , ' said Jimmy Nowlett - he was going to play the accordion that night . ' You ought to fetch the girls now , Joe . But never mind , your face 'll go down in about three weeks . My lower jaw is crooked yet ; but that fight straightened my nose , that had been knocked crooked when I was a boy - so I didn 't lose much beauty by it . ' ' Look here , Joe ! if you won 't come to the dance to - night - and I can 't say you 'd ornament it - I tell you what you 'll do . You get little Mary away on the quiet and take her out for a stroll - and act like a man . The job 's finished now , and you won 't get another chance like this . ' After the dancing started that night I had a peep in once or twice . The first time I saw Mary dancing with Jack , and looking serious ; and the second time she was dancing with the blarsted Jackaroo dude , and looking excited and happy . I noticed that some of the girls , that I could see sitting on a stool along the opposite wall , whispered , and gave Mary black looks as the Jackaroo swung her past . It struck me pretty forcibly that I should have taken fighting lessons from him instead of from poor Romany . I went away and walked about four miles down the river road , getting out of the way into the Bush whenever I saw any chap riding along . I thought of poor Romany and wondered where he was , and thought that there wasn 't much to choose between us as far as happiness was concerned . Perhaps he was walking by himself in the Bush , and feeling like I did . I wished I could shake hands with him . I didn 't like the idea of hanging myself : I 'd been with a party who found a man hanging in the Bush , and it was no place for a woman round where he was . And I 'd helped drag two bodies out of the Cudgeegong river in a flood , and they weren 't sleeping beauties . I thought it was a pity that a chap couldn 't lie down on a grassy bank in a graceful position in the moonlight and die just by thinking of it - and die with his eyes and mouth shut . But then I remembered that I wouldn 't make a beautiful corpse , anyway it went , with the face I had on me . ' Oh , I 'm tired , ' she said . ' It was too hot in the wool - shed . I thought I 'd like to come out and get my head cool and be quiet a little while . ' She stood looking out over the willows . Presently she said , ' It must be very dull for you , Mr Wilson - you must feel lonely . Mr Barnes said - - ' Then she gave a little gasp and stopped - as if she was just going to put her foot in it . I had a handkerchief over the worst of my face , and kept the best side turned to her . We walked down by the river , and didn 't say anything for a good while . I was thinking hard . We came to a white smooth log in a quiet place out of sight of the house . She sat looking straight before her , and I fancied her eyes glistened . I put my arm round her shoulders , but she didn 't seem to notice it . In fact , I scarcely noticed it myself at the time . ' Oh , there 's plenty of time ! ' I said . I shifted up , and put my arm farther round , and held her closer . She sat straight up , looking right in front of her , but she began to breathe hard . ' Yes , Joe , ' she said , ' I 'm very happy . ' Then she said , ' Oh , your poor face ! Can 't I do anything for it ? ' ' I couldn 't sleep - I was frightened . Oh ! I had such a terrible dream about you , Joe ! I thought Romany came back and got into your room and stabbed you with his knife . I got up and dressed , and about daybreak I heard a horse at the gate ; then I got the gun down from the wall - and - and Mr Barnes came round the corner and frightened me . He 's something like Romany , you know . ' And , oh , but wasn 't I happy walking home with Mary that night ! She was too little for me to put my arm round her waist , so I put it round her shoulder , and that felt just as good . I remember I asked her who 'd cleaned up my room and washed my things , but she wouldn 't tell . ' Well , Joe , ' said Black , ' I see somebody 's been spoiling your face for the dance . ' And after a bit he said , ' Well , Joe , what is it ? Do you want another job ? If you do , you 'll have to ask Mrs Black , or Bob ' ( Bob was his eldest son ) ; ' they 're managing the station for me now , you know . ' He could be bitter sometimes in his quiet way . ' Nothing , Joe , ' he said . ' I was going to say a lot , but it wouldn 't be any use . My father used to say a lot to me before I was married . ' ' Oh ! I suppose that 's all right , Joe , ' he said . ' I - I beg your pardon . I got thinking of the days when I was courting Mrs Black . ' |
Posted in Adult Fiction by marcuschanco87 Progress report 1 . I was considered to be used by Dr Strauss . Miss Kinnian thinks I can become smart again . My name is Charlie Gordon and I work in a bakery . I am 32 years old . I am retarded . Progress report 2 . I think I might have failed a test . Burt tested me using a few cards . I couldn 't see pictures on the cards when there were supposed to be . Miss Kinnian is my teacher in class . It was called a raw shok test . I was afraid I didn 't clear the test . Progress report 3 . The professor was called Nemur . I was Miss Kinnian 's favorite student . Learning was always my goal . The experiment they were planning on me was so far only conducted on animals . My sister was Norma but I have never seen my mum and dad and her for a long time . Progress report 4 . I took a thematic appreciation test now . I had to make up a story about people in pictures I saw . I was angry as I hated lying to come up with stories . Later , I started drawing pictures . Next I played a puzzle game . Algernon was a mouse on the 5th floor . He was a very smart mouse . The mouse managed to complete the puzzle that I was assigned . Now , I had to race him . For every wrong move I made , I received an electric shock . I didn 't known mice were so smart . Progress report 5 . Mum and Norma gave permission for my operation . I was happy and ready to go . The good thing that the professor said I had was motivation . I was interested and eager to please . The aim was to improve my intelligence . Prof Nemur wasn 't on my side . However , there were a lot of risks associated with the experiment . Algernon had successfully undergone the experiment . Even if the experiment failed , I would have contributed to society . Progress report 6 . Many people wished me luck . I kept the lucky penny with me just in case . I was not to disclose this secret to my colleagues at work . I hoped to read and spell better and I wanted to beat Algernon in the race . This experiment might be repeated in others if it was successful . ' I don 't care so much about being famous . I just want to be smart like other people so I can have lots of friends like me . ' Progress Report 7 . The operation was over . I could spell Progress and March now . There were bandages on my head . I was gassed during the operation . Burt monitored me after the operation on a daily basis . All the progress reports were kept . I wanted to be able to participate in intellectual conversations . Hilda said mabey they got no rite to make me smart because if god wanted me to be smart he would have made me born that way . And what about Adem and Eev and the sin with tree of nowlege and eating the appel and the fall . And mabey Prof Nemur and dr Strauss was tampiring with things they got no rite to tampir with . - Charlie Gordon Lucille replaced Hilda as my nurse . I thought that I would be smart instantly after the operation . It would be slow and I would have to work very hard . The operation would improve my memory . I wanted to show off to others how smart I was . Progress Report 8 . I thought all the tests were stupid , so were the progress reports . Mum told me that I should love god and pray to him . I visited a college and I was to clean a psych department lab . Nemurs did not want to seem like a failure . Burt was a graduate student in psychology . I hated Algernon for being very smart . I wasn 't smart yet . I hated my life and didn 't want to write progress reports anymore . I was paid to write but it 's very difficult for me . I was going back to work in the bakery . It took a long time for Algernon to be 3 times smarter . He was unique because he could stay smart for a long time . Mr Donner hired another boy Ernie to help . I was working at the bakery since I was 17 . My uncle passed away when I was 19 . Mr Donner said I could have the job for life . Gimpy was the head baker . I wanted to learn to be an apprentice baker . Mr Donner said the work was complicated and that I shouldn 't think about it for now . I didn 't want to visit the lab and race Algernon . Prof Nemur brought me a teaching machine . Dr Strauss persuaded me to try it . I had to have faith in myself . The machine could teach me things when I was sleepy and also induce dreams . I missed Miss Kinnian . The brain learns when it is asleep too . Maybe only certain shows made me smart . The device woke me up at night . I walked into the school hall . I recalled the time when I first met Miss Kinnian . Thinking and remembering was very difficult for me . I had to attend therapy sessions with Dr Strauss now . I talked about the bakery experience . I had to turn on the TV at low volumes when I went to bed . Dr Strauss explained that sometimes I couldn 't sleep because everyone has two minds , the conscious and subconscious mind . I played drinking games with Joe and Frank . However , they teased me at the bar . I was lost when I couldn 't find Joe . I started crying . It was all a very bad dream . Now , I started beating Algernon . I wanted to feed him as I felt bad for beating him . Algernon had to complete puzzles to get food now . ' I don 't Progress Report 9 . I started working the dough - mixer because Oliver quit . Gimpy and Joe liked to tease me and they challenged me to try . However , I proved myself that I could use the machine . I also demonstrated it to Mr Donner . I did a better job that Oliver . Mr Donner gave me a 5 dollar raise . Instead of washing toilets , I would get to use the machine . I finished reading Robinson Crusoe . I was learning fast . I recalled at how my mum was when I was younger . Mum slapped me when I touched my little sister when I was very young . Miss Kinnian taught me to use a comma and I experimented with it . I started remembering better and how to use comma as a punctuation . I started learning about other forms of punctuation . I started reading a grammar book . The progress report showed that I was developing and I could compare with my previous self . I stayed home as I was sick . I started dancing with Ellen after being persuaded by Joe to do so in a club . Everyone started laughing at me but I didn 't feel amused . I was getting upset after realizing that I was being bullied and treated like a kid . I wanted to run away and hide . The rest liked to hang out with me just to poke fun at me . I fantasized over Ellen at night . It 's because I 'm so dumb and I don 't even know when I 'm doing something dumb . People think it 's funny when a dumb person can 't do things the same way they can . - Charlie Gordon My spelling has improved tremendously . I recalled the first day when I joined Donner 's Bakery . I could now picture how I was back then . Dr Strauss said the best way was to recall memories and write it down . He was a neurosurgeon and a psychiatrist . The key was for me to understand yourself . Memories may not be pleasant and I might not be able to handle them The more intelligent you become the more problems you 'll have , Charlie . Your intellectual growth is going to outstrip your emotional growth . - Dr Strauss warned me Soon , I would be able to lead foreign languages . I read The Great Gatsby and the American Tragedy . I was still angry that people were making fun of me . There was much debate about what IQ could measure . Mine was over a 100 now . Soon , I would be taking the Rorschach test . . The subconscious was about to block my consciousness from remembering . I remembered a girl named Harriet in my younger days . She was a favorite among the boys . I took a piece of red ribbon and got a friend to help me compose a message for her for Valentine 's day . Harriet didn 't wear it the next day and looked upset . Gus , her brother , pushed me . I was labelled as a degenerate and wasn 't welcome in the school . Gus and Oscar hurt me . Harriet never returned the locket . Rorschach test was the one with ink blots . It was a standard personality test . I shouted at Burt because he lied at me when he said there were pictures on them previously . I was upset again . Prof Nemur grabbed me on the way out . Now , I was suspicious to the world around me . I could make out certain shapes on the inkblots . I didn 't think I could trust Burt again . Now , I knew what I was writing would be under close examination . Progress Report 10 . Mr Donner gave me a raise when I improved productivity . No one talks to me at work anymore . Frank liked to bully me in the past . Gimpy was defending me when I started recalling an incident . Gimpy wanted me to learn how to make rolls . Gimpy and Frank demonstrated differently and I was confused . Charlie didn 't dare to start as he was afraid of making mistakes . He didn 't manage to do it due to the fact that they couldn 't wait for him . How would Frank and Gimpy feel about me now . Would he ever learn to read what was in the balloons ? If they gave him enough time - if they didn 't rush him or push him too fast - he would get it . But nobody has time . - Charlie The people at the bakery were hostile to me . They were getting jealous of my success . Now I knew that I would not write private matters for Dr Strauss . I was allowed to keep the personal reports for myself . I overhead that Dr Strauss and Nemur that he would be presenting my case to a convention in Chicago . They were engaged in heated battle . Nemur wanted to present the findings while Dr Strauss thought it was too premature . I left in shock . They were just men who wanted to claim credit for their work . I can better understand conversations at the university canteen . People were talking about politics , art and God . They talked about whether there was a God and I was shocked . I read about most of the famous philosophers and writers . Mum wanted to be in an elementary school but the principal wanted me in a special school . Mum cried . This was all when I was 6 years old . Mum didn 't want to take me as she was moving out as she thought there was something wrong with me . All these arguments affected Charlie . Charlie was directed to the bathroom . His mum didn 't want to follow him and show him the way to the toilet . I finally recalled that my mum was Rose and my dad was Matt . My dad , in a fit of rage , walked out of the apartment . Progress Report 11 . I went with Miss Kinian for dinner and then to the movies . I really wanted to touch her . She was very beautiful indeed . I could deeply understand the film and was improving in my perception and judgment of issues . She admitted that I was much better than an ordinary person and that I was revealed as a genius . She hoped that I wouldn 't get hurt . Miss Kinnian was afraid that something might go out . I admitted I liked her . I was becoming more and more self - conscious . Miss Kinnian was apologetic that when she said that perhaps I shouldn 't have told her that and connect with her on an emotional level . She declined my advances and said that we not ready . I was furious with her . I realized that I couldn 't learn anything from books . My past always haunted me and seemed blurred . I was starting to have nightmares now as well . I found it hard to control the directions of my thoughts . Charlie followed a loose button on the ground when he was younger . There was dried blood on Norma 's underwear . Gimpy undercharged the customers and I wanted to find out why . I didn 't trust his actions . He started pocketing the loose change in his pocket . In a way , I was afraid of learning the truth . Once I saw him stealing , I wanted to punch his face . I felt like telling Mr Donner about it . In the past , it was me who was assisting the theft of money , it was just that I didn 't know it . If Mr Donner sacks him , how will he be able to feed his kids ? Intelligence isn 't helping . Professor Nemur said that I shouldn 't be involved . I begged to meet Alice at the café again . I didn 't want her to ignore me anymore and she agreed to meet me . I admitted that I liked Alice right away . She thought that it was inappropriate though . Alice was Miss Kinnian . I wasn 't very good at listening and kept interjecting . I kept persisting and that made her feel awkward . I desperately wanted to be with her . In a way , I was afraid of being rejected . I was in love . Charlie , you amaze me . In some ways you 're so advanced , and yet when it comes to making a decision , you 're still a child . I can 't decide for you , Charlie . The answer can 't be found in books - or be solved by bringing it to other people … You 've got to find the answer inside you - feel the right thing to do . Charlie , you 've got to learn to trust yourself . - Alice I learned to rely on my intuition . I decided to tell Gimpy the truth one day . Gimpy stormed off when I told him . My studies were going well . I could link a few disciplines together now and I felt much smarter than before . Most of the school talk was too childish for me now . Even economics professors couldn 't think like me . They were not willing to show their ignorance . They were far from intellectual giants . I watched the concert with Alice . I was contemplating putting my arms around her but held back . Surprisingly , I was still behaving like a kid . Then I saw a guy who pulled down his trousers and chased after him furiously . Somehow , I felt embarrassed to be caught together with Alice . I was becoming increasingly sensitive . It was a hallucination . Apparently , I was still sexually retarded . I was fired from my job at the bakery . Apparently , everyone hated me and it appears to them that I was a changed man . I didn 't have to work there anymore . He mentioned that I was also too smart for such a job . I begged him to allow me to stay . Frank spoke to me now . Because all of a sudden you 're a big shot , a know - it - all , a brain ! Now you 're a regular whiz kid , an egghead . Always with a book - always with all the answers . Well , I 'll tell you something . You think you 're better than the rest of us here ? Okay , go someplace else . - Frank If you 'd read your Bible , Charlie , you 'd know it 's not meant for man to know more than was given to him to know by the Lord in the first place . The fruit of the tree was forbidden to man . - Fanny Birden I was making them look lousy and they hated it . Everyone signed a petition for me to leave . . She wanted me to be a simple man again . I was a strong believer in Science . Now , I was more alone than ever . I went to Alice 's apartment . Her house was super neat . I didn 't go to the lab for a few days . I was still traumatized by the fact that I was thrown out . Strangely , I couldn 't understand the fear and why I was kicked out . ' I 'm like an animal who 's been locked out of his nice , safe cage . ' Charlie . I had the maturity of a boy . My mum used to whip me when I was younger . She thought I was a dirty animal . I started to sob while hugging Alice . Progress Report 12 . My relationship with Nemur was strained . He referred to me as a lab specimen . Alice and I had a platonic relationship . I had a bad nightmare again . The memories come at weird timings and I can 't control them . I remember my sister behaving like a big baby and not playing with me when I was younger . She wanted a dog from my parents and didn 't want to share it with me . Norma threw a big tantrum . I overheard Norma talking about me in her room to her friend . He is not my real brother ! He 's just a boy we took in because we felt sorry for him . My mamma told me , and she said I can tell everyone now that he 's not really my brother at all . - Norma I had a bad quarrel with Alice today . I headed down to the Adult Centre to pick her up and it was a bad idea . Alice was teaching a lady at the centre . There were some new students in the school . The other students could recognize me . Alice was annoyed . They wondered why I wasn 't going back to the school . She was upset with my attitude towards others . I didn 't want to receive the crap from others previously . She couldn 't talk to me . She felt stupid beside me and she was worried that she was losing intelligence . I told her too complex stuff which she couldn 't understand . I was too self - absorbed and lacked empathy . Alice wasn 't going to the convention with me . I sort of realized that we were not compatible for one another . How do you know what I feel ? You take liberties with other people 's minds . You can 't tell how I feel or what I feel or why I feel . - Alice I prowled on the city streets . I happened to meet a lady at Central Park . She eloped and was married to a sailor . However , he was violent and she never saw him again . I brushed my palm against hers . I kissed her and she suggested that we go up to her hotel room . She was pregnant and it wasn 't her husband 's . I commented that she was filthy and that she should be ashamed of herself . Then she started screaming . I ran into the darkness and ended up in a children 's playground . I finally emerged from the park unscathed . Some part of me wanted to be caught by passer - bys in the street . Progress Report 13 . We were about to head to Chicago . I was terrified of being in the air . God was never something I talked about much when I was young . When I was 5 or so , my mum brought me to a doctor who would help me get smart . My mum thought that she could pay so that I could be intelligent . Dad disagreed . We all headed to Dr Guarino 's office . Guarino started to examine a young Charlie . Charlie was restrained to a table and strapped down . He screamed . He placed me inside a big machine to see if I could become smarter . Charlie couldn 't scream because there was a cloth placed in his mouth . Charlie wet his pants . I had to return every few weeks . Charlie hated the voice of his parents quarreling at home . Dad thought that I shouldn 't be changed and that the money should have been devoted to the barber shop instead . Nemur referred to be as a guinea pig and not as a human . I am learning to control resentment and my patience . We had to be shifted to the Independence hotel because of some screwed up arrangements . Nemur was annoyed at the attention I was receiving . Nemur explained the procedure with the other scientist . Apparently there was another paper published on another method of the operation . I was disappointed when Nemur couldn 't understand other languages . They were ignorant in their own fields ! It was appalling . I dug further and realized how little he knew . Burt defended Nemur and said that he was trying to make a name for himself . It turns out that it was Nemur 's wife who helped his career a lot and got him his professionship . Burt commented that I lacked tolerance and understanding for others . Was I a genius ? Failure would destroy Nemur as he was too old to start again . However , I should not be too impatient with them . I have surpassed them in many aspects . I was under a huge emotional strain I walked out on the whole thing and flew to New York . A few psychological papers were published . I didn 't like trivial stuff . Algernon and I were the main attractions of the conference . I toyed with the lock on Algernon 's cage . Algernon would have to complete a maze in order to prove that he was smart . Algernon was getting increasingly erratic and sometimes refused to work . The other mice did not have this problem but neither were they as intelligent as him . Such information was withheld from me . Films of my lab tests were now being shown . The audience laughed when they saw how I stupid I looked in the tests . No one considered me a human being . It was Nemur 's turn to speak . I was deeply angry inside . I realized that the results were premature and it would require longer before the results could be presented . Just when it was my turn to speak , I released Algernon . Nemur begged the others to get Algernon . Everyone was on a merry go round chase for the mouse . I managed to find Algernon and I kept him in my pocket , without telling anyone else . The plan was to take off and never return . Initially , I thought of seeing my parents as soon as I could and travel to New York . Progress Report 14 . The press was mad that we escaped . My parents didn 't know where I was . I saw her picture in the newspaper . She had a split personality and I was very confused as to how I was being treated . I didn 't know why I wanted to see mum anymore . Long ago , mum wanted to send me to Warren State Home and I could still remember vividly . She wanted to protect Norma 's development . I was tempted to call Alice but decided against it . I found an apartment near the library . Algernon can drink and watch TV . I wanted to build Algernon a complicated maze . I met Fay Lillman , my neighbor . My neighbor invited me into her apartment . It was like an art studio in a mess . This place was heavily burglared . She wanted to have a beer with me and I agreed to it . There were self - portraits and nude paintings . She later put on some clothing when we started chatting more . I left the house as I couldn 't think I could stay there . Later , I invited her to my place . She suggested we dance . She commented that my place was too neat and that stifled creativity . She started playing on the piano . Later she ventured into the room and saw the maze . Then , she left abruptly , saying she had to meet another date . Everything about her was attractive . I went to look for Dad , Matt , at a barbershop . Dad always dreamt of being his own boss . Dad liked to defend me when I was younger . I had to remind who I was before he too notice . He trimmed my hair . I recalled the past now . My mum was once again persuading dad to send me to the Warren State Hospital . I didn 't have the courage to tell the story . I felt faint when I realized he didn 't recognize me . He should have seen how different I was now . I left the shop and did not reveal that I was his son . I added time sequences to Algernon 's maze . However , his behavior was erratic at times . Fay brought a female white mouse to keep him company . I 'm glad that Algernon was no longer alone and was with ' Minnie ' . Fay introduced me to a man named Leroy . Later on , I heard noise from her apartment . She was apparently having sex with him in the room . However he made a pass on her . I revealed that I wanted her and she showed me her bosom . I felt her emotional level was right for me . I wasn 't feeling well that night and she admitted she liked me . We started drinking gin . She got me drunk that night . I acted strange when I was drunk . I was all confused and silly and I talked about how I wanted to go to school and be smart . She had the feeling that I had some compulsive disorder . I did act like a little kid when I was high . The Charlie from the past was still with me . I headed to the cinemas to watch movies alone . I wanted to be with others in the darkness . I spotted a young boy who was a dishwasher but after dropping some dishes , the rest started laughing at him . I begged the others to believe that he was a human being . The boy reminded me of the old Charlie . It was unbelievable that initially I did too join in the laughter . That really hurt I wanted to contribute back by working on improved human intelligence . I wanted to tell Alice about my dream to help the other retarded people around . I called Alice . I told her that the old Charlie exists . The emotional problems can 't be solved like intellectual ones . I started crying . The old Charlie didn 't seem to want me to like Alice . I wanted it to be dark , so that I could visualize Fay and yet have Alice . But after a while , I pushed her away and admitted that the old Charlie didn 't allow me to love her . I simply wanted her body but did not love her . I left her apartment and wanted to return to the lab once I was ready . Eventually , I headed home and knocked on Fay 's door . Apparently I was coming on to strongly and she didn 't like it . She didn 't want me to disappoint her this time . When doing it to her , I imagined someone else at the window watching me . I didn 't know how much time I had left and whether I would remain intelligent forever . I needed to find out the side - effects of the experiment . I grew closer to Fay and stopped wandering on the streets . She was a free spirit who didn 't care about much stuff . Fay was divorced 5 years ago . It was not love we felt but I did liked hanging out with her . I dedicated my first piano concerto to her . She was bright and good - hearted . She was open and trusting . Fay and I kept dancing all the time and visited different clubs . Minnie seemed to be afraid of Algernon after his erratic behavior . Algernon bit Fay today . There was a gash in Minnie 's chest . Algernon 's actions were kid of getting out of control . I was going to call Nemur to find out why . Progress Report 15 . Burt , Nemur and Strauss were all waiting for me . Nemur was grateful that I was back . Burt indicated that Algernon had forgotten most of the complex responses required in the maze . I could have everything that I wanted , but time was the barrier . I probed Nemur to find out what plans he had for me if the experiment failed somehow . I wanted to visit Warren as a visitor . Their plan was to send me to Warren if the experiment failed . Progress Report 16 . This was the day I headed to Warren . I headed and visited the head psychologist , Winslow . There were no closed gates and people would be free to leave . However , most of them can 't survive outside and will return . He showed me how the place was run and how they took care of the boys Normal kids grow up too soon , stop needing you … go off on their own … forget who loved them and took care of them . But these children need all you can give - all of their lives . It was hard work . - Thelma There was a huge waiting list of patients trying to enter the mental hospital . There were some who were deaf - mutes and also those that were emotionally unstable . I believed that no one was beyond help . I wanted to visit my mum but first I had to work on my research . I was disappointed with Algernon 's behavior . Fay hated it when I talked about work . My room was getting messier and not as orderly as usual . I was changing . Alice finally met Fay . They liked each other . To Fay , sunbathing could solve the world 's moral problems . Alice was concerned about her influence on my drinking habits . Alice said I could see her and that she might , in a way , be good for me . I went home to make love to Fay . Fay was getting to resentful over my work . I had to cram a lifetime 's worth of research into a few weeks . Memory and the present confuse me and sometimes I don 't know which is which . Fay had a new boyfriend . They were on her couch already . Algernon reacted violently when he didn 't complete the maze . Suddenly he curled up into a ball and didn 't want to move . It was weird and I couldn 't understand such behavior . If I can find out that out , and if it adds even one jot of information to whatever else has been discovered about mental retardation and the possibility of helping others like myself , I will be satisfied . Whatever happens to me , I will have lived a thousand normal lives by what I might add to others not yet born . - Charlie Gordon I am now really absorbed in my work . This is pure joy . Fay 's new boyfriend is also a dance instructor at the Stardust Ballroom . I was making little headway in my research . I needed the whole mind to work hard at solving the problem . I headed to Mrs Nemur 's cocktail party . Conversation with others was difficult because they would always hide in their shell . The issue with this kind of research was usually funding . Strauss and Raynor wanted to take this research and make the results permanent . I didn 't really feel I belonged at the party and left . Strauss slammed me for being ungrateful . Nemur wanted to hear what I had to say . I turned from a nice retarded man into an arrogant , anti - social bastard . Everyone thought I was drunk when I spoke I 've learned a lot in the past few months , not only about myself , but about life and people , and I 've discovered that nobody really cares about Charlie Gordon , whether he 's a moron or a genius . So what difference does it make ? - Charlie Gordon The problem , dear professor , is that you wanted someone who could be made intelligent but still be kept in a cage and displayed when necessary to reap the honors you seek . The hitch is that I 'm a person . - Charlie Gordon I 've learned that intelligence alone doesn 't mean a damned thing . Here in your university , intelligence , education , knowledge , have all become great idols . But I know now there 's one thing you 've all overlooked : intelligence and education that hasn 't been tempered by human affection isn 't worth a damn . - Charlie Gordon Intelligence is one of the greatest human gifts . But all too often a search for knowledge drives out the search for love … And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self - centered end , to the exclusion of human relationships , can only lead to violence and pain . - Charlie Gordon When I was retarded I had lots of friends . Now I have no one . Of , I know lots of people . Lots and lots of people . But I don 't have any real friends . Not like I used to have in the bakery . Not a friend in the world who means anything to me , and no one I mean anything to . - Charlie Gordon I saw the old Charlie in the mirror in the toilet . I was not ready to give up my intelligence . Why am I so alone in the world ? I headed back to the lab at 4 : 30am to continue . I wrote a letter to Professor Nemur . I have completed my research on the study of increased intelligence . Algernon has regressed mentally and was suffering from amnesia . ' Artificially - Induced Intelligence deteriorates at a rate of time directly proportional to the quantity of the increase . ' I knew that I would deteriorate rapidly . Although this would happen , I was still grateful for having improved the knowledge of mankind . I must not panic and should try to recall as much as possible when I 'm still intelligent . Alice cried on learning the news . The scientists were working on my paper now . No one was to be blamed for any of this . I didn 't want to see anyone suffer . Professor Nemur says that my results were confirmed . The current science cannot overcome the problem . Time is the key factor . I will not have the time to pursue more research . I started becoming more forgetful . Algernon passed away 2 days ago . My research was proven right . I buried Algernon and put flowers on his grave . I would see mum tomorrow . I saw Rose three days ago . I spotted her but didn 't walk away . She didn 't seem to recognize me too . She did gasp ' Charlie ! ' After that she entered the house and locked the door . I banged on the glass and wanted to enter the house . I broke into the house . Later she finally came out . I explained the whole experiment that I undergone . She was surprised and wanted to tell everyone that I was normal again . For the first time , she was happy . I needed to go off now . I gave her a scientific report called the Algernon - Gordon Effect . Norma also didn 't recognize her but later was in shock once she knew I was Charlie . She was pleased to learn that I was a genius . Now , Norma was warm and affectionate . She hated me in the past because I was not punished for being slow . Should I be pleased that she was closer to me ? Would she be so nice if I were retarded again ? Norma didn 't want me to go and clung to me . Rose suddenly grabbed the knife and thought I was trying to hurt Norma . Now , Rose ordered me out of the house . I reluctantly left . Progress Report 17 . My condition was heading downhill . I tried to recall being intelligent again . I am edgy and irritable . I suffered a hallucination when talking to Dr Strauss . I told him therapy would just prolong the inevitable and was a waste of time . I had this strange sensation that old Charlie was coming back . I let the light in . This was the last time I wanted to see Dr Strauss . I found it increasingly difficult to write anything . It took me longer to complete the race . I tried the Rorschach test . It was impossible ! I couldn 't remember what I was supposed to do for the test anymore . I told everyone no more tests for me . At that moment , I just wanted to be alone . I picked up Paradise Lost but couldn 't remember what it was about anymore . I could picture myself learning to read like old Charlie . In a fit of anger , I ripped the book apart . Please , God , don 't take it all away . I couldn 't remember where I lived anymore . There is nothing I can do about it . Alice was in my apartment now . She wanted to see me after she heard I was acting all weird . She wanted to spend time with me . Until I went to Warren , Alice would spend time with me . It felt powerful , something better than love . It was then that I realized how powerful physical love was . We went to a concert together but I couldn 't pay attention . My mind was deteriorating rapidly . I did not understand the scientific paper I wrote . My motor skills were deteriorating . Alice kept cleaning up after me . I kept watching tv . The child was reclaiming my mind . I lost the ability to read German . Alice as gone . I didn 't want her cleaning up my stuff anymore . She admitted that I was still very cold towards her . That 's more to it than just having a high IQ . I could only write using longhand now . I decided to keep reading stuff I didn 't understand and perhaps that could still help me a little . Fay didn 't understand me anymore . I was lying in bed very often nowadays . Mrs Mooney was worried about me . I have to keep re - reading stuff now . It is very difficult to write . I still placed flowers on Algernon 's grave . It 's getting chilly out but I still put flowers on Algernon 's grave . Mrs Mooney think I 'm silly to put flower on a mouse 's grave but I told her that Algernon was a special mouse . - Charlie Gordon Mrs Mooney called a doctor to see me . I ran out of the house after he didn 't believe that I was previously a genius . I needed to earn money and wanted to visit the bakery again . Alice came but I didn 't want to let her in . Mr Donner was very nice when I visited the bakery again . Klaus bullied me and I crapped in my pant . But Joe Carp grabbed him and scolded Klaus and warned him not to touch me again . Joe wanted to tell Donner that he should get fired but I decided to forgive Klaus . Joe and Frank were finally my friends . I tried attending Alice 's class but she was so choked with emotion that she left . I decided to attend Warren Home School again . Looking back , I was glad I learned a lot of stuff in this world and that I discovered my family Anyway I bet Im the frist dumb persen in the world who found out some thing inportent for sience . I did something but I dont remember what . So I gess its like I did it for all the dumb pepul like me all over the werld . - Charlie Gordon Respect Content Creation © 2017 . This content is copyrighted to the author of ' Book & Quote Monster ' and may not be reproduced without credit to this blog . All Rights Reserved . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Choices … Did you ever stop to think how one choice can change your whole life ? Sometimes it 's who you marry … or who you don 't . Sometimes it 's a choice of career , or where you choose to live at any given time of your life . All the dots are waiting to be connected , but a single choice makes a decidedly different picture . Perhaps there truly are no coincidences in life , only choices . And a thousand solitary choices make the whole of life . And not necessarily the apparent " big " choices . Sometimes a small choice can make a huge difference . Like who you sit by on a bus , or what car you choose to get into . But I believe that there are roads to be chosen , that will only lead us farther and farther away from our destiny . However , we are free to choose . How many lives have been derailed by such a choice ? How many books are not written because of that , and how many songs unsung ? How many children are never born , and how many dreams are never realized ? A lot hinges on our choices then , doesn 't it ? Best that we should pray that the Holy Spirit would lead and guide us , and not ourselves . For we do not always choose the right path , left to our own desires . Our choices are clouded by longing , ego , selfishness , and immaturity ( no matter our age . ) And sometimes we don 't even realize the seriousness of our choices , for they may mean sorrow or joy , success or failure , or even life and death . In order to fulfill our dreams , we may have to let go of the predictable - the well - worn paths that are so familiar to us . The unknown often brings fear , simply because it is so uncharted and mysterious . ( Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that the demons we already know are safer . But such is not always the case . ) A quote that I read lately seemed to fit my present situation in life . It said : " We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned , so as to have the life that is waiting for us . " Joseph Campbell At times , the choice is to choose to give up our " plans . " Sometimes we pull so hard on the rope , that fate lets go of its end . We 're left with what we think we want , but not what was meant to be . Are we willing to let go of our predictable life , just on the chance that there might be something more awaiting us ? Many times we choose the safe , secure path , but perhaps my most favorite quote says : " A sailboat in harbor is safe , but that 's not what sailboats are for . " Sailboats gotta sail . Fish gotta swim . And each of us has a destiny , if we 'll just get out of the way . Stop holding on too tightly to what feels safe and secure , and venture out into the open sea . I am crazy enough to believe that an exciting life awaits me , if I will stop being fearful . The older I get , the less I have to lose , and that alone will make me more adventurous and more of a risk taker . Isn 't life and love all about risk anyway ? There are certainly no guarantees , except that you can lead a sheltered , wrapped in a knit shawl existence , and die without a moment of excitement , though completely safe and secure . Getting older has its virtues . It makes you more aware of time , and of all the things you 've not yet done . That may be the secret to youth , if we 'll just hold onto it - to live every moment , and to become more daring with each passing year . To constantly try something new and adventuresome , without calculating every reason why we shouldn 't . But seek above all , to be led by the Spirit . God is always speaking to us , but we are not always listening , or we may not recognize His voice . We can only know His voice , by knowing Him . He will show us the way , if our hearts are just open to His leading , for it is He who has planned our destiny . My mother 's shadow still looms large in my life , even now . The pain in my heart from all that has transpired never leaves . And still I love her , as I always have . When I feel too sad , I remind myself of the things she said , and how she made me feel . I love her , and I miss her , but I know that this cannot be fixed . I can never go back to that situation , but the ache in my heart never leaves . I cared for her , as if she were my child the past 3 1 / 2 years , and it is impossible not to feel the loss of our togetherness . It 's almost like I lost a limb , and daily feel the phantom pain , of a part that is no longer with me . But I could no longer survive the heartache , pressure , or pain that came with loving her . And now , I grieve her absence like a death . I wonder if my life would have been vastly different , if I had moved away from her many years ago , so that she could not influence my life in the ways that she has . She moved away from me once , but not all that far . She and my step - dad journeyed to a small seaside town ( where we still live ) , to try their hand at deep sea fishing , after a lifetime of hard work for both of them . They were not successful , because the fishermen were a tight knit group , and they greatly resented anyone honing in on their territory . And it was much harder work than they had imagined . ( But much like our venture with the Christian coffeehouse , it was something they wanted to do , and never regretted trying . ) I was married to Gary then , ( my first husband ) , and times were rough for us . We were attempting to make a living at singing ( our dream ) but it was very difficult , and finances and jobs were tight . I had talked my husband into trying it , because he would come home every day from the gypsum factory , where he worked , covered in a white powdery substance , that couldn 't be good for his lungs . He was a fairly good guitar player , and loved to sing . I did also . So we decided to give it a try . We were young , and anything was possible then . Eventually , we made our way to my parents ' home , and for a very short while , lived with them , until we could afford a small , very " bare bones " apartment . We were not that difficult to please , and could make a home most anywhere . We were of the generation where material things were not the highest goal , and we were more of a mind to pursue our dreams . But that is not my story tonight . I am just wondering what my life might have been like , had I not followed my mom here . But I think that it wouldn 't have made much difference , because Atlanta is not far away enough , to change the dynamics between us . And besides , if I had not moved here , I would never have met Rob , or married him . I became my mother 's shadow . For the longest time , I embraced her very thoughts . She did not look favorably on disagreeing with her opinions . They were not just her opinions - they were the right ones . I absorbed her take on things ( like a sponge ) for many years . But as I grew older , I realized that I did not at all think like she did . I was a very different person . I was much more conservative ( eventually ) . ( I think one has to mature into conservatisim . ) I was much less confident , less rebellious , more sensitive , and much less daring . As an adult , I can still remember being very concerned about what my mother would think about things . This influenced the way I would dress when I was around her , the way I wore my hair , and sometimes the things I did . ( Not always . ) I think what I disliked the most , was her criticism . She was ( and is ) very vocal if she doesn 't like something , and she doesn 't seem to care if it 's none of her business , or if her comments will hurt . I therefore , seemed to always be trying to avoid her displeasure . I would always try to keep the peace . If she was mad about something , then I was too . I tried to come to her defense , or to support her in her rage , but often I couldn 't understand why she would get so upset and hyper about some things . She would often hold a grudge . I thought she was being childish , but I never said so . ( As long as her disapproval was not directed at me , I was thankful . ) But I could never expect any such support from her . She could never seem to see my side of most any situation . I longed for her encouragement about some very troubling things that I was going through , but I never received it . She was incapable of that kind of empathy . So I felt very alone . Always the encourager , but never encouraged . Emotional abuse is a somewhat insidious thing . Sometimes it can be very blatant , but other times it is subtle and understated . Sometimes it was what I wasn 't getting from her that hurt the most . I don 't remember ever falling into her arms for comfort , or receiving understanding or compassion . Yet those were the things that I offered her continually . So here I am , still in her shadow , but slowly making my own . It hurts to realize all that was missing , and wonder why it wasn 't there . For so long , I thought it was some deficit in me , some unworthiness on my part , but now I understand that it was a deficit in her capacity to love me like a mother should . In these later , recent years , I would hold my true feelings in , until I thought I would burst . And then I would often go home in a horrible mood from being around her . ( Rob noticed this often . I was either very angry or very depressed . ) I had tried to be a " good girl " all my life , but her insensitivity to my feelings as an adult , drove me to the brink . If it was bad when I was younger , it was a thousand times worse when I was older . It was always about her , and only her . Rarely would she ever seem to acknowledge the effect that she had on me , though I think she definitely knew , and sometimes enjoyed it . As an afterthought , she would sometimes thank me for things that I had done for her , and I would hang onto those words for days . I was so hungry for any sign of her appreciation or approval . She , on the other hand , worried constantly about my brother , and never wanted to inconvenience him ( or my husband ) with any of her errands or chores . But sometimes I could not physically endure all that there was to do , and would have to let my husband ( or one of his secretaries ) run an errand now and then , but greatly fearing her disapproval . Sometimes I would say to my husband , " She won 't like this . " ( As if the world would crumble if everything didn 't just suit her . ) But my world often would . She rarely ( almost never ) had any grace toward me , or seemed to care how tired or sick I was , or that I wanted to be with my husband . What is it about getting old that makes a person think one child can do everything ? I was trying desperately to live two lives , and not doing a very good job of it . I was doing everything that needed to be done for her , but my life and health was falling apart . My house was disintegrating , I was becoming wildly disorganized ( something I 'm generally not ) and I felt like I was going to have a mental and physical breakdown . But I could not stop . There was no one to do the things that I was doing . I was in this thing alone . I cried out to my cousin ( who was like a brother to me ) and to my uncle . They are really the only family we have left , for the most part . I didn 't feel like I could reach out to my brother ( for more help than the groceries , or having lunch with my mom - his almost total contribution . ) I felt overwhelmed every day of my life , since my dad died . What was I supposed to do ? Keep on until I fell dead ? I could not continue on , and I knew it . But coupled with her mistreatment of me , it was beyond impossible . I not only desperately needed help , I needed a long break . And then one day the bow broke , and the cradle fell - Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall , and the Dish ran away with the Spoon . I could not take it another day . She said things that hurt me deeply - called me names after all I had done for her . It was the end , and not a very pretty one . Still her shadow lingers , and I cannot stop caring about her . I wonder if she ever thinks of me , with anything but anger ? Does she remember how much I loved her , how kindly I treated her , the times we laughed together , and how much I tried to please her ? I 've been missing for awhile now , because Chelsea has come home from England , and I wanted to spend some time with her . She crashed at our house for about 3 days , and got some much needed rest . Jet lag was really getting her down , not to mention that I don 't think she went to bed before the early morning hours , the entire time she was gone . When she got off the plane , she stepped into an " uncivil " war between her birth mom and grandmother . The grandmother ( hereafter called Nana ) even refused to spend Christmas with her daughter ( Chelsea 's birth mom . ) Their feud has been going on for years , and the grandmother was exhausted from all of M 's scenes and actions . ( But Chelsea hated that she was in the middle of this - with each one talking badly about the other . ) Her trip was nice , but the relationships were rugged , and often disappointing . She stayed with her grandmother first , who was very generous financially , but who smoked like a chimney , and never stopped talking . At that point , early in the trip , she desperately wanted to come home . Fearing she could not survive much more , she went to the house where her birth mother was staying ( rent free ) with an old man , who was a friend of Nana 's . ( I know , this gets complicated . ) But her birth mom turned out to be a drug addict ( mostly prescription drugs , for a disease that Chelsea 's grandmother swears she does not have . ) Nana says that she was there , when the doctor anounced that M did not have MS , and that M actually seemed disappointed . Apparently , she has convinced some doctor that she needs the drugs , so she has them supplied ( also free ) by the government medical program . Chelsea reports that her birth mom likes to drink and flirt with men . And she does this on a daily basis . For Chelsea 's 20th birthday , she took her to a transvestite bar . ( No , you can 't make this stuff up . ) Chelsea called me in the early morning hours ( their time ) to share her birthday adventures . What kind of mother takes her daughter ( who she hasn 't seen since age 3 ) to a transvestite bar ? I 'll let you be the judge of that . As the days wore on , the relationship between Chelsea and her birth mom soured daily . She made several calls to us , sounding very distressed and hyper , and said that her birth mom had commented , " It 's just like looking at myself at your age . Your parents think you 're great … but you 're not . " Etc . Etc . Etc . This surprised me , as we were very honest with her ( in a phone call before Chelsea went to London ) about the problems that we have had with Chelsea , and told her that she was a difficult child to raise , but that she had lots of good qualities , and many talents . So we didn 't at all make it seem like we thought she could do no wrong . We certainly knew better than that . Chelsea said that she seemed to be competing with her , when they were in the pubs , and that her birth mom would indiscriminately give out her phone number to strangers . She seemed very angry that her mom didn 't have a steady job , and that she used drugs that she didn 't need . She said that her mom just wanted to talk about herself , and she also talked incessantly . ( She is a diagnosed narcissist , according to Chelsea 's stepdad , who has long since left her . Chelsea says that she has been married 4 times . ) Before the month long trip was over , Chelsea returned to her grandmother 's house , and was angry that her birth mom " bailed " on her for New Years Eve . They had plans to go to Trafalgar Square , but her birth mother texted her that she didn 't want to go , and later used the excuse that Chelsea wouldn 't want to be with her " mom " on New Year 's Eve . This really made Chelsea mad , and she told her not to pull that , because they had made plans , and her birth mom didn 't show . ( Chelsea went out with her newly acquired friends . ) So it seemed to be one let down after another . At one point Cheslea apparently told her that she clearly wasn 't " mother material . " Chelsea says that everyone in London walks , or takes the tube . Well , not everyone - some have cars , but she walked a great deal , as do many there , apparently . I feel that she was not supervised properly , because she recounted often walking after getting off the tube , through a very dangerous area to get home . Chelsea is not all that street - wise , after growing up in a small seaside town . Of course , she is of legal age , but still very immature in so many ways . You know how it is when you are young - you think you 're invincible , and going out takes precedence over all the dangers of finding your way home . And so it was … What was the effect of all this ? Chelsea got some of the answers that she needed , and her love for us grew . She told me after she got home , that she loved me , not only for adopting her , but for who I was . She said that I had always been consistent , and I could see that the instability of her birth mom had her feeling very insecure . I got a text message yesterday that she described as a " love letter " just for me . She said that she loved me more than my best home cooking , and her tatoo . Then she added , " And that 's a lot of love . " What more could any mom desire ? LOL ! Truthfully , it made my day ! In the long run , this has turned out to be a very positive thing for our relationship . She seems to be truly grateful for the life she had with us . She appears to have a greater appreciation for the way she was brought up , and she genuinely seems to be thankful for the life she leads now . At one point , after Chelsea got home , she said she didn 't want to see her birth mother again , but later changed that to say that she would see if there were any changes , but she doubted that she would ever change . This was very sad to me , as I could see that Chelsea had been hurt by her mother a great deal . ( There are times when you love someone very much , that you take no pleasure in being right about a situation . I had hoped for the best for Chelsea 's sake . ) Her grandmother was very happy to see her though , and she had saved her christening dress , and some of her baby clothes , all these years , and sent them home with Chelsea . I thought this was very special . Chelsea wanted me to have them for now , and display them in her room . Her grandmother spent a lot of money on her , and even provided the money for her airplane fare , souveniers , and one month 's rent ( for the time she was out of work . ) Chelsea lives and works about 45 minutes from us , in a nearby town . Her grandmother is a retired barrister , but is by no means well to do . She lives in a small flat , in a not so great part of town , so her generosity meant that much more . I know she truly loves Chelsea . She 's a character though , and before Chelsea left , Nana purchased a motor scooter ! Never have I been so glad to see an old year end , and a new one begin . Never have I felt such sadness over the past , and such joy over the future . Never have I been so hurt , or felt so happy . How wonderful that we can start fresh every year , and that hope springs eternal . For if it did not , what would be the point of going on ? Hope is what propels us into the future , leaving the past behind as an ever fading memory . ( Sometimes it doesn 't fade fast enough , does it ? ) Other times , it flys like a shooting star , when we would wish to linger . With every year , no matter how painful or joyful , we are different . We are changed by our experiences . Perhaps at times we wish for our youth once again , but given the chance , most of us would not really want to go back . For we have the rich experiences of our life , that have made us who we are . And good or bad , they have brought us to this time and place . Regardless of our sorrow , life is rich - full of revelations , insight , and lessons . Some of those lessons we would not have chosen to learn , but even those have increased our understanding , and hopefully our compassion for others . The more we endure , the more we know that there are not always black and white answers to every problem , or solutions to every puzzle . Sometimes the pieces just don 't fit , no matter how we try to arrange them . Sometimes life comes out gray , as the light and darkness merge . But even when it is not always good , life is always precious . Every day that we breathe is a chance to learn something new , to love someone more , and to know God more intimately . For by partaking in His sufferings , we grow closer to Him , and we understand a little more . Even though at times we would like to run away and hide , no man is an island , and we need each other to find our way . Sometimes we just need someone to listen , and how much more wonderful if they can say , " I understand . " We long to be understood . Deep calls unto deep . The older I get , the more I cherish each individual day , for truly we are promised no more than that . We have this moment , and it is to be cherished . It 's not about tomorrow , or yesterday - it 's about now . No more saving things for a rainy day - material things should be used and enjoyed now . No more waiting to let someone know how much I love them . It 's important to tell them now , for I may never get another chance . No more grieving as one who has no hope , but grieving as one who knows tomorrow will be brighter , though today may be sorrowful . I want to see the sun rise , and I want to see it set . I want to look at the stars and the moon , and the night sky in all its vastness . I want to feel the wind , the rain , and the warmth of the sun . I want to breathe deeper , laugh louder , cry harder , pray longer . I want to live more than I have ever wanted to live before . It is not too late for me , and it is not too late for you . We are not here to just exist - we are hear to live life in its fullness . With God 's help and direction , we can find happiness , and more than that - joy , which remains when happiness seems transient . Joy abides deep within . The life force is strong . Can you feel it ? No matter how you have suffered , tomorow is a new day . You will always have a second chance , as long as the sun comes up , and you do not give up . I wish I could impart my faith to you , and my hope of what each new day can bring . For just as surely as there will be sorrows beyond what we have ever known , there will also be joy beyond our understanding . Life awaits us , and there is much to learn , to experience , and to ponder . I wish for you a " new " New Year , full of expectation and wonder . Most of all , I hope you grow , and your understanding is increased , and that some of your questions are answered . But may many be left unanswered , so that you will forever be moving in the direction of Truth . It 's strange - our last night at the ocean , I got the only negative comment that I 've received ( on my blog ) since I shared my hurtful journey with my mom and brother . For just a moment it stung … but then , I could tell that I was much stronger , because I knew in my heart , that I was at peace with my decision . ( And also at peace with God . ) I have no regrets , and I know ( beyond a shadow of a doubt ) that I was going to die , if I kept on as I was . Isn 't it interesting that so many times in our lives , others try and tell us how to live ? But they are not here , dealing with the things we 've dealt with . They have no idea what life is like for us . And yet they think they have all the answers . I am learning that people like that are poisonous . They have no compassion , no ability to empathize . Isn 't it amazing the power that words have ? And the people who use them as weapons , like to pierce you with their daggers . And yet , as my husband says - they are just words . But that is not to say that they do not hurt . They certainly do . And hateful people are well aware of what they are doing . How very empty and angry their lives must be . They are the tragic ones . Now that I am home , I am determined to stay at peace . Even though I am back to my full time career ( it seems ) of packing and unpacking things . Moving in and out of our coffeehouse , moving my daughter out of her room , moving my mother in and out of assisted living , and constantly packing and unpacking for various other reasons . ( A couple of years ago our house flooded in a construction accident , and we still haven 't fully recovered from that . ) There is so much work needed on our home . Right now the decks are torn down , but not replaced . ( Please … don 't anyone walk out a glass sliding door , from the top floor . It might be your last hurrah ! LOL ! ) For now , I 'm unpacking … Laughing about the sand that is still in my shoes , from walking on the beach … Finding a pretty container for the shells that we collected … Trying to find a place for all the things that are in the suitcases and boxes in my living room … Delighted to be back in my own bed . I am going to start a scrapbook of my life from this moment on , because I believe that the best is yet to be . I will capture some of the moments - not necessarily in photographs , but in cut - outs , menus , and memories . I truly feel like my life has just begun - ( in the sense of true happiness and the freedom to be me . ) The writer of the hateful message was wrong . I am not a victim - I am a victor . It is not wrong to grieve your past , and to feel the pain of hurtful words and actions . It is not wrong to mourn what never was , and never will be . It is a way to understand and to heal . It is a process , and it has to be dealt with , or it will forever haunt me . I write about it as part of my healing . And make no mistake , I am grieving . But I am also looking forward ( with anticipation ) to life , love , and joy . There will be many moments no doubt , when I will glance in the rearview mirror , but I will not stay there . I will move on , with faith and hope in my heart . And I will become the person God meant me to be , and even because of my sorrow , I will be a more compassionate and loving person . That peace dwells within me . The peace that only God can give . As the song says , " The world didn 't give it , and the world can 't take it away . " Yes , people will always have their opinions - their cruel words , their lack of compassion and understanding . But that will never shake the peace that comes from within . I am becoming my own person . I am learning to trust the peace that I have found with God - " your God " as this person kept calling Him , so I know that she , sadly , does not know His wonderful love and mercy . Yes , He is my God and my Beloved . I trust His voice , and His peace . " To be at one with God is to be at peace … peace is to be found only within , and unless one finds it there , he will never find it at all . Peace lies not in the external world . It lies within one 's own soul . " This is the way Christmas should be . A time to love , to reflect , to relax , to appreciate God 's goodness , and to remember the true meaning of the season . ( It 's been a special time of healing for me . ) We may do this every year . Tonight we went to a place called " Lamberts - Home of The Throwed Rolls . " Yes , you heard me right . They say " throwed rolls " instead of " thrown rolls . " Imagine my surprise when we were seated , and a young man two rows over from me threw a roll at me ! Wouldn 't you know it ? It landed right between my legs ! ( Thank goodness I was wearing slacks . ) The next roll he threw hit me in the chest . ( Great aim , huh ? ) Anyway , they throw the rolls with gloved hands . But some of them land on the floor . After you order off the menu , they come to your table with great big pans of what they call " pass arounds " . These are items like fried okra , home fried potatoes , and field peas . By the time you 've eaten all this , you wish you hadn 't ordered off the menu ! My husband said it was the only place that he 's ever been where he couldn 't eat all the food . There was just too much ! And it was good ! ! ! ! Meanwhile , rolls are flying all over the place , but I noticed that most of the guys were throwing them underhanded , close to the tables they were serving . My waiter ( or pitcher ) threw me overhanded fastballs , from across the room LOL ! And they were hot rolls when they landed ! ( Don 't know how they keep them so hot ! ) Anyway , what a wild place ! Then I shopped a little at Old Time Pottery , while my husband got us some groceries to take back to the beach house . It was so much fun to check out , and then go put my feet up at a snack area , and drink a coke and relax ( while the rest of the world was going crazy . ) Never have I had such a peaceful Christmas . We will be staying cozy for the next couple of days , except for Christmas dinner out . I had some unexpected freelance assignments that came in just before Christmas , and I 've been working on them for 2 days . I couldn 't turn them down , because they were the first offers that I 've received from this company . But at any rate , they 're finished now , and I plan to rest and sit in my cozy chair for the next 4 days . We will be returning home on Sunday , so we still have quite a bit of time . Tomorrow we 'll take a walk on the beach . ( We are right on the ocean , and the view is out of this world . ) It was very cold the past few days , so it has really felt like Christmas . I feel so very blessed to be able to do this , and we may make it a tradition . It 's time for us to make new Christmas memories . I hope wherever you are tonight , that you will focus on happy memories of Christmas past , and look with expectation toward a bright future . Every day is a miracle , and you never know what 's just around the corner . God is faithful , and you are always on His mind . Merry Christmas Everyone ! Sparkle When you live in NW Florida , chances are you won 't have a white Christmas . But there is something white that we are famous for . ( Our beautiful white sand beaches . ) I am about 2 1 / 2 hours away from home at Gulf Shores - a gorgeous community where my husband brought me for Christmas . We are on the ocean , and when I look out the window and down the coast , it looks just like snow . ( Bet you couldn 't tell the difference if I sent you a picture . ) The weather is cold , and I 'm glad . I like it cold for Christmas . I decorated our tree tonight , and also had fun making some Christmas gift bags to go under our tree . Lots of sparkle … ( well , of course . ) Today we stayed in , and had a breakfast for supper , and then played Christmas carols while I decorated the tree . This is going to be my favorite Christmas ever . For once , I didn 't have to host the family Christmas get - together , clean house , cook , wrap presents and shop endlessly , etc . I only had my husband to buy for this year , since I am estranged from my family . Chelsea is in England , visiting her birth mom . So at our house no one is " home for Christmas . " LOL ! Seriously , this is the most peaceful Christmas that I have ever had , and we may go away every year . We lit candles tonight , while I decorated . One of my favorites is Yankee Candle 's Mistletoe . It actually smells more like a Christmas tree than a Christmas tree ! But I believe they retired it last year , so I probably will only find it on Ebay in years to come . I also had a terrific cinnamon candle , and a peppermint one . All the fragrances of Christmas filled our lovely beach house . It is so nice to slow down . Since my dad died 3 1 / 2 years ago , and I became the primary caregiver for my mom , I have been on the go every minute . I never slowed down , or seemed to have a moment to call my own . I was on edge every minute , wondering when the next crisis call would come ( and believe me , there have been many . ) My nervous system was whacked . I knew that I was going to have to slow down , or die . I am very serious about that . My physical health was going downhill , as well as my mental health . I was trying too hard to please . Now , I am on the road to recovery , and I want to take better care of myself . I want to do some things that bring me joy and happiness , and I want to spend some time with my husband . We both are worn out , stressed out , and just plain tired . But this is the beginning of real change in our lives , I pray . I am healing little by little from the hurt that my family has caused , and I know that in time I will be healed , and in a much better place in my life . I am learning to let go of the things that I can 't change , and to surround myself with people who will encourage me and build me up , instead of tearing me down . This has been the roughest time in my life - taking the very best care that I could of my mother , and then realizing that she is never going to approve of me or ever love me unconditionally . I finally had enough , and I only wish that I had seen the truth sooner . But I am sure that the timing was for a reason , and I will never regret taking care of her , and loving her to the best of my ability . But I can 't do anymore , and she and my brother have shown me the darkness that is in their souls , and I have had more than enough of it . So here 's to the light , and all things joyful , peaceful , and lovely . Here 's to a beautiful holiday , and a truly " new " New Year . And yes , here 's to a " White Christmas … " When you are grieving , every emotion is normal and understandable . Perhaps it is the closest feeling to insanity there is . ( And complicated by a sometimes too calm demeanor in public . ) But it is true … until you have been there , don 't try to tell me you understand , because there is no real understanding , apart from losing one that you love so dearly , or even one who was an important part of your life . There is no finality like the finality of death , and there is no solution to it - no fixing it . It is done , and until we meet in heaven , there is no bandage for the hole in our heart , and the ache in our soul . ( Only the hope of being reunited . ) But when there are others who know … who have experienced that pain … there is a fellowship of understanding , that becomes a bond . Hearts ache in familiar ways , and tears fall from unbearable sorrow . And there is the aloneness that only the bereaved can grasp . The feeling that the world is not the same , and will never be again . There is no way to ever prepare for it , because even when we have done our best , we cannot comprehend the loudness of their absence . It is there at the table , and there in the chair , and on their side of the bed . It is everywhere , and in the most unexpected places as well . ( An envelope with their name on it , a Christmas decoration that was their favorite , a pair of shoes hidden under the bed , a medicine bottle , a robe left hanging on the door , a pair of glasses on the desk , or the scent of their cologne . ) And then there are the places , where their presence cannot be denied , and the remembrances that go with those places . And what about the songs , that are as alive with their memory , as their spoken words were ? Grief is a journey , a process both cruel , and cathartic . And in the end , it is the only road to healing , though never to complete recovery . Loss is not something you " get over " . It can only be journeyed through , and you will be forever changed by that journey … " I remember one night , walking home from choir practice ( not sure what age ) , when this pervasive sadness overtook me . It was beginning to get dark , and as I walked , I would glance into the nearby houses , and glimpse the families that gathered together inside . Seeing the lights illuminate the interiors made me feel warm . I wondered what their lives were like , and if they were happy . Did laughter fill their homes ? There 's so much I can 't remember , and I find that odd . And yet , there is so much that I do remember . We were always moving , and I would have to change schools , and try and make new friends . It was so exhausting and painful . I was hardly ever in the same school for more than a year , and consequently , I was always " the new kid . " It was nerve - wracking , tinged with horror . Always wondering if I would be accepted , and if I would be able to fit in . Maybe that 's why , today , I never like to walk into a crowded room or get - together alone . It makes me feel uncomfortable , and reminds me of all those times , that I had to make my way into a new classroom , and how lonely I felt . I once asked my mom why we moved so much , and she said that we were " trying to better ourselves . " Well maybe , but didn 't anyone stop to consider what " bettering ourselves " was doing to me ? ( No , I think not . ) Just the other night , I mentioned to my husband how fortunate our daughter was , to attend a small Christian school all her life , with virtually the same set of friends all the way through , and knowing most of the teachers . It is the sort of security that I knew nothing about . Believe me , it makes a huge difference in your confidence level , and self - esteem . When I was in grammar school , I compensated for this feeling of uneasiness in new schools , by excelling in my classwork and grades . ( But if I remember correctly , anything less than a " A " , might as well have been failing . ) Because if I got a " B " my mom said that I should have gotten an " A . " So if an " A " was what she wanted , then I would go back and strive for that . ( Perhaps this was the beginning of my perfectionistic tendencies . ) I only know that I was always determined not to treat my daughter that way - just to ask that she did her best . ( It was a non - issue anyway . My daughter refused to do her homework at all , and this initiated a battle of a different sort . ) I remember being kept so clean ( when I lived with my grandmother ) that I carried around a newspaper to sit on , if I sat on the grass . To this day , I don 't sit on outdoor surfaces , without some hesitation . LOL ! But when I played kickball in the neighborhood , at an older age , I was forever knocking the knees out of my long pants , when I fell down . ( So I guess I overcame my fear of dirt and damage to my clothes . ) Perhaps my fondest memory ( which is a little foggy ) is of sitting in a little washtub ( in my grandmother 's backyard ) , wearing only a pair of little girl panties , with the warmth of the sun enveloping me , on a hot summer day . After that , I was lovingly taken into the house and dried off ( and most likely bathed - lol ) before being placed snug and secure in my bed , for an afternoon nap . To me , this was what being a child meant . Safety and security - feeling loved and cherished . It was an everyday feeling with my grandmother . And my grandfather would come home from work in the evenings , and I would run to meet him , and he would always have juicy fruit gum in his pocket , just for me . Does it get any better ? As good as it was for me , I think it was just that horrible for my mom . She was not happy living at home . She had gotten divorced when I was 2 , but the marriage didn 't even really last that long . My dad was in the military , and was overseas a great deal of that time . ( I remember finding an old suitcase with their love letters hidden away inside , when I was older . And of couse , my curiosity got the better of me , and I read them . ) But there 's was love by airmail only , and not to be found in reality . Apparently , my dad had started to run around , even before I was born , and he hurt my mom pretty badly . She told me a couple of examples over and over , throughout my life , and it was a real dilemma to feel love for someone who made my mom sad . She said his mother died when he was young , and his sister raised him , and that he was very spoiled . ( But she shouldn 't have talked about him this way to me , because it hurt me . Since I looked like him , and even had a variation of his name , I felt like I reminded her of him , whenever she saw me . ) And believe me , that could not be a positive thing . I saw him until the age of 6 , and then he disappeared from my life - though he always sent birthday and Christmas presents faithfully . It was strange ( and exciting ) to get a doll or toy twice a year , from a man a barely knew . I always looked forward to his presents . It was basically all I had of him , except for an inherited nervous giggle just like his , until I was about 10 . I remember that I had not seen him for about 4 years , and I wrote a letter telling him that I wanted to know him . And to his credit , he visited . It 's so funny - he had just remarried , and those were the days when frosted hair was in . When I saw his new bride , I thought she was an old lady , because she had what I perceived as grey hair . How funny , because in reality , she was 10 years younger than him . On the homefront , my stepfather and I did not get along . He was very strict , and used to measure the length of my dresses every morning ( before school ) by the " dangerous freckle " just above my knee . Anything above the freckle was too short , and I would have to immediately change . This was in the day of the first ever mini - skirts . He was an imposing man - ( 6 ' 4 ″ ) and to be honest , for many years I was deathly afraid of him . Back then he had quite a temper , and we did not see eye to eye on most anything , even though I was an extremely compliant child ( in general . ) ( Perhaps the greatest miracle in my life , was the healing that occurred between us , when I was an adult . We came to love each other very much . ) Part of the feeling was resentment . I wanted a mother . I needed a mother . My mom had taken me away from the only real family that I had ever known , and I kept telling myself ( as a little girl ) that at least I would finally get to know her , and spend some time with her . ( But it was not to be . ) Two men were already in her life , when I arrived in Atlanta , and she was trying to decide which one she would marry . Her stated goal had been that she was going to Atlanta " to find a husband . " She also always told me , that if she didn 't get me away from my grandparents , that I would never realize that she was my mother . But it makes me wonder why did she wait so long ? ( My parents divorced when I was two , and we then moved in with my grandparents . ) And if that was in fact true , then why didn 't she spend some time with just me for awhile , nurturing me , and mothering me ? ( I believe that she just didn 't have it in her . ) She always made me feel horrible if I was anything less than estatic about her relationship with Sam , ( who she soon married ) , calling me jealous , and as I said in yesterday 's post , and threatening to kill herself , if I did not get along with him . ( See the details of that lovely blackmail scene in yesterday 's post . ) She would say things like , " You 'd be jealous of your own child . " I know now that what I was feeling was perfectly normal . ( I wanted a mother , and it wasn 't wrong . I had lost all the people that made me feel secure , and now there was a man in my life , that I did not know . I probably wasn 't even 7 yet . ) Such a rocky beginning is not exactly inducive to a warm relationship . Deep down , I think Sam and I loved each other ( as best we could ) , but there was definitely resentment going both ways . It was stormy and wild at times , and of course , my mom blamed it all on me - because I was to blame for everything . ( Apparently for even wanting a mother . ) My brother came along when I was 8 , and I loved him ( as they say , " to the moon and back . " ) I proudly declared , " Now we 're a family " , when they called to tell me he 'd been born . ( Though I do remember that my mother was not happy about the pregnancy , and she let me know it . ) It didn 't matter - I was estatic enough for all of us . He was a gorgeous baby , and I was so happy that he was in our lives . Of course , once he was here , my mom loved him very much , and dressed him in the cutest little Buster Brown outfits . However , whenever my mother would talk about my birth , she would always speak about it in the most horrifying way . She explained that her doctor believed in his expectant mothers not having pain medication , so that they could " feel closer to their babies . " ( Oh , please . It sure didn 't work for us . ) She said the pregnancy and the delivery were pretty much hell on earth , and she never let me forget it . ( That is the reason that I never had a child through childbirth . She had frightened me to death , speaking of it as such a terrible ordeal . ) At least by the time she had my brother , she was given pain relief , and had happy memories of his birth . ) My mom and step - dad would argue at times , and he would even get angry when the baby cried , and once he struck him . This made my mom furious , and they would also argue about that . I remember going to a nearby park , and shooting baskets until dark . I was quite a loner at times , because of all the moves we had made . But it was easy to entertain myself , and I also loved to read . Books were my great escape , and a treasure to me always . I was a nervous child , and looking back , I had some unusual physical maladies . It seems that I can remember being made to stand in the corner , for nervously fidgeting with my upper lip , which had become a continuous , uncontrollable habit . Another time , I developed continual belching , and had to sip on Mylanta constantly . I remember feeling sad a lot , but trying to cope as well as I could . These are not normal occurences , and they lead me to believe that my nervous system was under attack . My mother worked hard outside the home all of her life , and I had to go to child care after school , the year before my brother was born . Then later , there was a housekeeper ( not as in rich , because we weren 't - more like a babysitter for my brother . ) She did a little housecleaning , and ironing also , I think ( as they often did in those days . ) But I never experienced a mom there for me after school , waiting to hear about my day . I 'm sure many children didn 't , but along with this , there was no real warmth . I called her " Betty " instead of momma or mom . She never taught me any differently . This seems strange to me , because a mother shouldn 't have any problem getting her child to call her " momma " if she so desires . She said it was because everyone in the household called her " Betty " , so I did also . But I find it very unusual . She did take me shopping , and out for lunch at the department stores . ( I always looked nice . ) But I don 't remember the hugs , or any emotional support whatsoever . ( And this is where it gets hazy . ) She just always seemed angry if I was sad for any reason . ( But I remember she was depressed a lot . ) My step - dad 's three boys came to live with us for awhile , but they were like kids from the jungle . They were wild , with few manners ( because of a very difficult upbringing ) , and they did not last with us for long . As you can imagine , I felt totally invaded , and could not believe this was happening . It was just too difficult for everyone ( them included ) , and so they returned home . As a teenager , Sam and I fought about everything . He read my diary , spied on me , and screened my phone calls . It was like living with a private detective , and it never got any better . And sometimes my parents would fight about disciplining me , though I really did not cause all that much trouble . ( Sam even told me as much later . He said that after having Tony ( my brother ) , he realized that I was an easy child to raise . ) It 's just that I never could seem to please them , even though I really , really tried . By the time I married my first husband at 17 , all I could think about was getting away from there . My life did not improve - it grew much worse , for the most part . All those schools , few friends because of the constant moves , and a miserable home life . I was a little girl lost . I needed to be held and kissed . I needed to be comforted , and loved . I needed someone to be wild about me . I needed to be in my mother 's arms and thoughts . I just needed her … |
It was a very cold winter night ! A sparrow had spent two nights out with only the meagre shelter of a tree . He decided that he couldn 't survive a third night , so he left the tree to find a better shelter . As he flew he got colder and colder , until his little wings froze solid and he fell to the ground . As he lay there freezing he realised that his end was near and he prayed for death to come quickly . Suddenly , in his semiconscious state , he had a feeling of being enveloped in a warm covering . He regained consciousness to find that a friendly cow had dropped a luxurious deposit all over him . The warmth gave him a new lease of life , and the sparrow 's comfort made him feel very happy , so he started to sing . A passing pussycat heard the chirping , located the heap , carefully removed the excrement to reveal the little sparrow , and promptly ate him up . . . . . . . . . . There are three morals to this sad story : - 1 . If someone shits on you , they are not necessarily your enemy . 2 . If someone gets you out of the shit , they are not necessarily your friends . 3 . If you are in the shit and happy - keep your mouth shut . To state the same facts in a polished manner : - 1 . If someone harms you unknowingly , they are not necessarily your enemy . 2 . If someone tries to help you out , they are not necessarily your friends . 3 . Even if you are not in very good condition but you are happy , keep your mouth shut ( don 't cry that I don 't have this and that ) . Posted by The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small , uninhabited island . He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him , and every day he scanned the horizon for help , but none seemed forthcoming . Exhausted , he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements , and to store his few possessions . But then one day , after scavenging for food , he arrived home to find his little hut in flames , the smoke rolling up to the sky . The worst had happened : Everything was lost . He was stunned with grief and anger . " God , how could you do this to me ? " he cried . Early next morning , however , he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island . It had come to rescue him . " How did you know I was here ? " asked the weary man of his rescuers . " We saw your smoke signal , " they replied . It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad . But we shouldn 't lose heart , because God is at work in our lives , even in the midst of pain and suffering . Remember , next time your little hut is burning to the ground - - it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God . Posted by Once upon a time , there was an island where all the feelings lived : Happiness , Sadness , and all of the others , including Love . One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink , so all repaired their boats and left . Love was the only one who stayed . Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment when the island was almost sinking , Love decided to ask for help . Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat . Love said , " Richness , can you take me with you ? " Richness answered , " No I can 't . There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat . There is no place for you here . " Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel , " Vanity , please help me ! " " I can 't help you Love . You are all wet and might damage my boat , " Vanity answered . Sadness was close by so Love asked for help , " Sadness let me go with you . " " Oh . . . Love , I am so sad that I need to be by myself ! " Happiness passed by Love too , but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her ! Suddenly , there was a voice , " Come Love , I will take you . " It was an elder . Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name . When they arrived at dry land , the elder went her own way . Love realizing how much he owed the elder , asked Knowledge , another elder , " Who helped me ? " " It was Time " , Knowledge answered . " Time ? " asked Love . " But why did Time help me ? " Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered , " Because only Time is capable of understanding how real Love is . " A nurse escorted a tired , anxious young man to the bedside of an elderly man . " Your son is here , " she whispered to the patient . She had to repeat the words several times before the patient 's eyes opened . He was heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack and he dimly saw the young man standing outside the oxygen tent . He reached out his hand and the young man tightly wrapped his fingers around it , squeezing a message of encouragement . The nurse brought a chair next to the bedside . All through the night the young man sat holding the old mans hand , and offering gentle words of hope . The dying man said nothing as he held tightly to his son . As dawn approached , the patient died . The young man placed on the bed the lifeless hand he had been holding , and then he went to notify the nurse . While the nurse did what was necessary , the young man waited . When she had finished her task , the nurse began to say words of sympathy to the young man . But he interrupted her . " Who was that man ? " He asked . The startled nurse replied , " I thought he was your father . " " No , he was not my father , " he answered . " I never saw him before in my life . " " Then why didn 't you say something when I took you to him ? " asked the nurse . He replied , " I also knew he needed his son , and his son just wasn 't here . When I realized he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son , I knew how much he needed me . . . " Posted by A company was hiring new staff . One question in the written exam was : You are driving your car in a wild stormy night . You pass by a bus station , and you see three people waiting for the bus : - An old lady who looks as if she is about to die , A doctor who had once saved your life , A man / woman you have been dreaming to be with . You can only take one passenger in your car . Which one will you choose ? Please explain your answer . Think about it before you continue reading . This must be some kind of personality test . Every answer has its reasoning . You could pick up the old lady . She is going to die , and thus you should save her first . You could take the doctor , because he once saved your life . This will be the perfect chance to pay him back . However , you could always pay the doctor back in the future , but you may never be able to find the perfect lover once you pass this chance . The candidate who was eventually hired ( out of 200 applicants ) did not have to explain his answer . WHAT DID HE SAY ? He simply answered : " Give the car key to the doctor . Let him take the old lady to the hospital . I will stay and wait for the bus with the man / woman of my dreams . " Sometimes , we would gain more if we were able to give up our stubborn limitations . Posted by James Bender , in his book " How to Talk Well " relates the story of a farmer who grew award winning corn . Each year he entered his corn in the state fair where it won a blue ribbon . One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learned something interesting about how he grew it . The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbours . " How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbours when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year ? " the reporter asked . " Why sir , " said the farmer , " didn 't you know ? The wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field . If my neighbours grow inferior corn , cross - pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn . If I am to grow good corn , I must help my neighbours grow good corn . " He is very much aware of the connectedness of life . His corn cannot improve unless his neighbour 's corn also improves . So it is in other dimensions . Those who choose to be at peace must help their neighbours to be at peace . Those who choose to live well must help others to live well , for the value of a life is measured by the lives it touches . And those who choose to be happy must help others to find happiness , for the welfare of each is bound up with the welfare of all . The lesson for each of us is this : if we are to grow good corn , we must help our neighbours grow good corn . Posted by A frail old man went to live with his son , daughter - in - law , and four - year old grandson . The old man 's hands trembled , his eyesight was blurred , and his step faltered . The family ate together at the table . But the elderly grandfather 's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult . Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor . When he grasped , the glass , milk spilled on the tablecloth . The son and daughter - in - law became irritated with the mess . " We must do something about Grandfather , " said the son . " I 've had enough of his spilled milk , noisy eating , and food on the floor . " So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner . There , Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner . Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two , his food was served in a wooden bowl . When the family glanced in Grandfather 's direction , sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone . Still , the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food . The four - year - old watched it all in silence . One evening before supper , the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor . He asked the child sweetly , " What are you making ? " Just as sweetly , the boy responded , " Oh , I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up . " The four - year - old smiled and went back to work . The words so struck the parents that they were speechless . Then tears started to stream down their cheeks . Though no word was spoken , both knew what must be done . That evening the husband took Grand - father 's hand and gently led him back to the family table . For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family . And for some reason , neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped , milk spilled , or the tablecloth soiled . Children are remarkably perceptive . Their eyes ever observe , their ears ever listen , and their minds ever process the messages they absorb . If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members , they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives . The wise parent realizes that every day the building blocks are being laid for the child 's future . Let 's be wise builders and role models . " Life is about people connecting with people , and making a positive difference " " Take care of yourself and those you love , today and everyday ! " In ancient Greece , Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem . One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said , " Do you know what I just heard about your friend ? " " Hold on a minute , " Socrates replied . " Before telling me anything I 'd like you to pass a little test . It 's called the Triple Filter Test . " " Triple filter ? " " That 's right , " Socrates continued . " Before you talk to me about my friend , it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you 're going to say . That 's why I call it the triple filter test . The first filter is Truth . Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ? " " No , " the man said , " actually I just heard about it and . " " All right , " said Socrates . " So you don 't really know if it 's true or not . Now let 's try the second filter , the filter of goodness . Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good ? " " No , on the contrary . . . " " So , " Socrates continued , " you want to tell me something bad about him , but you 're not certain it 's true . You may still pass the test though , because there 's one filter left : the filter of usefulness . Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me ? " " No not really … " " Well , " concluded Socrates , " if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful , why tell it to me at all ? " This is why Socrates was a great philosopher & held in such high esteem . Posted by Long times ago , in Egypt lived a famous mystical person name Zun - Nun . A young man came to visit him and asked " Teacher , I do not understand why people like you dress in such a way and very simple , isn 't in this era was necessary to dress neatly , not only for performance but also for other reasons ? The mystical only smiled and took his ring from one of his fingers , and said " Young friend , I will answer your question , but first do one thing for me , take this ring and go to the market across this street , can you sell this for one chip of gold ? Having looked at Zun - Nun 's dirty ring , the young man became doubtful . " One chip of gold , I am not sure this ring could be sold at that price . " " Try first , young man , who knows you did it . " The Young man went to the market quickly . He offered the ring to the textile , vegetable , meat , fish traders , and the others . The fact was that no body was willing to pay for a chip of Gold . He went back to Zun - Nun residence and reported " Teacher , no body was brave to offer more than one chip of silver . " With a wise smile Zun - Nun said , " Now go to the Gold Shop at the back of this street . Show this to the owner or to the gold trader . Don 't give your price just listen how much he will pay for this ring . " The Young man went to the shop mentioned and returned with a different expression from his face . He then reported " Teacher , the traders in the market really do not know the value of this ring , the gold trader offer this ring for one thousand of gold , And the value of this ring was one thousands times from what the traders in the market offer . Zun - Nun just smiled subtly and spoke softly , " That was the answer of your questions my friend , " Someone cannot be valued only from his dress " The traders in the market " give value like that . But not for " The gold trader " The gold and Diamond inside someone only could be seen and valued if you could look at the inner soul . It needs heart to see , and it needs a process . We cannot see it from the words or attitude that only seen for a while . Many time what wePosted by Some time ago a man punished his 5 - year - old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper . Money was tight and he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree . Nevertheless , the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said , " This is for you , Daddy . " The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction , but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty . He spoke to her in a harsh manner , " Don 't you know , young lady , when you give someone a present there 's supposed to be something inside the package ? " The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said , " Oh , Daddy , it 's not empty - I blew kisses into it until it was full . " The father was crushed . He fell to his knees and put his arms around his little girl , and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger . An accident took the life of this child only a short time later and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life . And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there . In a very real sense , each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children , family , friends and God . There is no more precious possession anyone could hold . Posted by Once upon a time there was a little boy who was raised in an orphanage . The little boy had always wished that he could fly like a bird . It was very difficult for him to understand why he could not fly . There were birds at the zoo that were much bigger than he , and they could fly " Why can 't I ? " he thought . " Is there something wrong with me ? " he wondered . There was another little boy who was crippled . He had always wished that he could walk and run like other little boys and girls . " Why can 't I be like them ? " he thought . One day the little orphan boy who had wanted to fly like a bird ran away from the orphanage . He came upon a park where he saw the little boy who could not walk or run playing in the sandbox . He ran over to the little boy and asked him if he had ever wanted to fly like a bird . " No , " said the little boy who could not walk or run . " But I have wondered what it would be like to walk and run like other boys and girls . " " That is very sad " , said the little boy who wanted to fly . " Do you think we could be friends ? " he said to the little boy in the sandbox . " Sure . " said the little boy . The two little boys played for hours . They made sand castles and made really funny sounds with their mouths . Sounds , which made them laugh , real hard . Then the little boy 's father came with a wheelchair to pick up his son . The little boy who had always wanted to fly ran over to the boy 's father and whispered something into his ear . " That would be OK , " said the man . The little boy who had always wanted to fly like a bird ran over to his new friend and said , " You are my only friend and I wish that there was something that I could do to make you walk and run like other little boys and girls . But I can 't . But there is something that I can do for you . " The little orphan boy turned around and told his new friend to slide up onto his back . He then began to run across the grass . Faster and faster he ran , carrying the little crippled boy on his back . Faster and harder he ran across the park . Harder and harder he made his legs travel . Shahid Riaz On a flight from Johannesburg , a middle - aged , well - off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man . She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating . " What seems to be the problem Madam ? " asked the attendant . " Can 't you see ? " she said , " You 've sat me next to a black . I can 't possibly sit next to this disgusting human . Find me another seat ! " " Please calm down , Madam . " the stewardess replied . " The flight is very full today , but I 'll tell you what I 'll do - I 'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class . " The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her ( not to mention many of the surrounding passengers ) . A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news , which she delivers to the lady , who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self - satisfied grin : " Madam , unfortunately , as I suspected , economy is full . I 've spoken to the cabin services director , and club is also full . However , we do have one seat in first class . " Before the lady has a chance to answer , the stewardess continues . . . " It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade , however , and I have had to get special permission from the captain . But , given the circumstances , the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person . " Having said that , the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady , and said : " So if you 'd like to get your things , sir , I have your seat ready for you . . . " At which point , apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane . . . Posted by We were a very motley crowd of people who took the bus every day that summer 33 years ago . During the early morning ride from the suburb , we sat drowsily with our collars up to our ears , a cheerless and taciturn bunch . One of the passengers was a small grey man who took the bus to the centre for senior citizens every morning . He walked with a stoop and a sad look on his face when he , with some difficulty , boarded the bus and sat down alone behind the driver . No one ever paid very much attention to him . Then one July morning he said good morning to the driver and smiled short - sightedly down through the bus before he sat down . The driver nodded guardedly . The rest of us were silent . The next day , the old man boarded the bus energetically , smiled and said in a loud voice : " And a very good morning to you all ! " Some of us looked up , amazed , and murmured " Good morning , " in reply . The following weeks we were more alert . Our friend was now dressed in a nice old suit and a wide out - of - date tie . The thin hair had been carefully combed . He said good morning to us every day and we gradually began to nod and talk to each other . One morning he had a bunch of wild flowers in his hand . They were already dangling a little because of the heat . The driver turned around smilingly and asked : " Have you got yourself a girlfriend , Charlie ? " We never got to know if his name really was " Charlie " , but he nodded shyly and said yes . The other passengers whistled and clapped at him . Charlie bowed and waved the flowers before he sat down on his seat . Every morning after that Charlie always brought a flower . Some of the regular passengers began bringing him flowers for his bouquet , gently nudged him and said shyly : " Here . " Everyone smiled . The men started to jest about it , talk to each other , and share the newspaper . The summer went by , and autumn was closing in , when one morning Charlie wasn 't waiting at his usual stop . When he wasn 't there the next day and the day after that , we started wondering if he was sick or - - hopefully - - on holiday sShahid Riaz When I was a kid growing up , I knew a man who loomed bigger than life to me . His name was Edwin E . Bailey , and he ran the astronomical observatory at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia . I would go to the Franklin Institute most Saturdays just to spend time with him . His encyclopaedic mind fascinated me . He seemed to know something about everything . I was a friend with Ed Bailey right up until he died several years ago . When he was in the hospital , after a serious stroke , I went to visit him . In an effort to make small talk , I told about all the places I had been to speak and how I had come to his bedside straight from the airport . He heard me out and then said with a slightly sarcastic manner , " You go all over the world to people who , ten years from now , won 't remember your name . But you haven 't left time for the people who really care about you . " That simple sentence hit me hard and changed my life . I have decided not to let my time be used up by people to whom I make no difference , while I neglect those for whom I am irreplaceable . A friend of mine recently got a call from the White House asking him to consult with the President of the United States . He said no because it was to be on a day he had promised to spend with his granddaughter at the seashore . The nation survived without him , the President didn 't miss him , and his granddaughter had some precious time with her " Pop - Pop . " First things ought to be put first . Sometimes we spend time asking who is responsible or whom to blame , whether in a relationship , in a job or with the people we know . We miss out some warmth in human relationship to give each other support . Treasure what you have . A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage . They were a loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes . When the boy was around two years old , one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open . He was late for work so he asked the wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard . The mother , preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter . The boy playfully went to the medicine bottle and , fascinated with its colour , drank it all . It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages . When the child showed signs of poisoning the mother took him to the hospital , where he died . The mother was stunned . She was terrified how to face her husband . When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child , he looked at his wife and uttered just four words . QUESTIONS : 1 . What were the four words ? 2 . What is the implication of this story ? Check with the answers only after you have tried to come up with your own . Please read below : - ** * * ANSWER : The husband just said " I Love You Darling " . The husband 's totally unexpected reaction is proactive behaviour . He is indeed a genius in human relationships . The child is dead . He can never be brought back to life . There is no point in finding fault with the mother . She had also lost her only child . What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband . That is what he gave her . If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective , there would be much fewer problems in the world . " Can I see my baby ? " the happy new mother asked . When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face , she gasped . The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window . The baby had been born without ears . Time proved that the baby 's hearing was perfect . It was only his appearance that was marred . When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother 's arms , she sighed , knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks . He blurted out the tragedy . " A boy , a big boy . . . called me a freak . " He grew up , handsome for his misfortune . A favourite with his fellow students , he might have been class president , but for that . He developed a gift , a talent for literature and music . " But you might mingle with other young people , " his mother reproved him , but felt a kindness in her heart . The boy 's father had a session with the family physician . Could nothing be done ? " I believe I could graft on a pair of outer ears , if they could be procured , " the doctor decided . Then the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man . Two years went by . Then , " You are going to the hospital , Son . Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need . But it 's a secret , " said the father . The operation was a brilliant success , and a new person emerged . His talents blossomed into genius , and school and college became a series of triumphs . Later he married and entered the diplomatic service . " But I must know ! " He urged his father , " Who gave so much for me ? I could never do enough for him . " " I do not believe you could , " said the father , " but the agreement was that you are not to know , not yet . " The years kept their profound secret , but the day did come . . . one of the darkest days that a son must endure . He stood with his father over his mother 's casket . Slowly , tenderly , the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick , reddish - brown hair to reveal that the mother - - had no outer ears . " Mother said she was glad she never Shahid Riaz When the great Sufi mystic , Hasan , was dying , somebody asked " Hasan , who was your master ? " He said , " I had thousands of masters . If I just relate their names it will take months , years and it is too late . But three masters I will certainly tell you about . One was a thief . Once I got lost in the desert , and when I reached a village it was very late , everything was closed . But at last I found one man who was trying to make a hole in the wall of a house . I asked him where I could stay and he said ' At this time of night it will be difficult , but you can stay with me - if you can stay with a thief ' . And the man was so beautiful . I stayed for one month ! And each night he would say to me , ' Now I am going to my work . You rest , you pray . ' When he came back I would ask ' Could you get anything ? ' He would say , ' Not tonight . But tomorrow I will try again , God willing . ' He was never in a state of hopelessness , he was always happy . When I was meditating and meditating for years on end and nothing was happening , many times the moment came when I was so desperate , so hopeless , that I thought to stop all this nonsense . And suddenly I would remember the thief who would say every night , ' God willing , tomorrow it is going to happen . ' And my second master was a dog . I was going to the river , thirsty and a dog came . He was also thirsty . He looked into the river , he saw another dog there - - his own image - - and became afraid . He would bard and run away , but his thirst was so much that he would come back . Finally , despite his fear , he just jumped into the water , and the image disappeared . And I knew that a message had come to me from God : one has to jump in spite of all fears . And the third master was a small child . I entered a town and a child was carrying a lit candle . He was going to the mosque to put the candle there . ' Just joking , ' I asked the boy , ' have you lit the candle yourself ? ' He said , ' Yes sir . ' And I asked , ' There was a moment when the candle was unlit , and then there was a moment when the candle was lit . Can you show me thShahid Riaz An emperor was coming out of his palace for his morning walk when he met a beggar . He asked the beggar , " What do you want ? " The beggar laughed and said , " You are asking me as though you can fulfil my desire ! " The king was offended . He said , " Of course I can fulfil your desire . What is it ? Just tell me . " And the beggar said , " Think twice before you promise anything . " The beggar was no ordinary beggar ; he was the emperor 's past life master . He had promised in that life , " I will come and try to wake you in your next life . This life you have missed but I will come again . " But the king had forgotten completely - - who remembers past lives ? So he insisted , " I will fulfil anything you ask . I am a very powerful emperor , what can you possibly desire that I can not give to you ? " The beggar said , " It is a very simple desire . You see this begging bowl ? Can you fill it with something ? " The emperor said , " Of course ! " He called one of his viziers and told him , " Fill this mans begging bowl with money . " The vizier went and got some money and poured it into the bowl , and it disappeared . And he poured more and more , and the moment he would pour it , it would disappear . And the begging bowl remained always empty . The whole palace gathered . By and by the rumour went throughout the whole capital , and a huge crowd gathered . The prestige of the emperor was at stake . He said to his viziers , " If the whole kingdom is lost , I am ready to lose it , but I cannot be defeated by this beggar . " Diamonds and pearls and emeralds , his treasuries were becoming empty . The begging bowl seemed to be bottomless . Everything that was put into it - - everything ! - - Immediately disappeared , went out of existence . Finally it was the evening , and the people were standing there in utter silence . The king dropped at the feet of the beggar and admitted his defeat . He said , " Just tell me one thing . You are victorious - but before you leave , just fulfil my curiosity . What is the begging bowl made of ? " The beggar laughed and said , " It is made up of the human mind . TheShahid Riaz A teenage boy lived alone with his father . The two of them had a very special relationship . Even though the son was always " warming the bench " , his father was always in the stands cheering . He never missed a game . This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school . But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn 't want to . But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there . The son was determined to try his best at every practice , and perhaps he 'd get to play when he became a senior . All through high school he never missed a practice but still remained a bench warmer all four years . His faithful father was always in the stands , always with words of encouragement for him . When the young man went to college , he decided to try out for the football team as a " walk - on . " Everyone was sure he could never make the cut , but he did . The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul to every practice and , at the same time , provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed . The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father . His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games . This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college , but he never got to play in the game . It was the end of his senior football season , and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play - off game , the coach met him with a telegram . The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent . Swallowing hard , he mumbled to the coach , " My father died this morning . Is it all right if I miss practice today ? " The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said , " Take the rest of the week off , son . And don 't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday . " Saturday arrived , and the game was not going well . In the third quarter , wShahid Riaz This story might strengthen our faith ! May God ! They tell the story of a mountain climber , desperate to conquer the Aconcagua , initiated his climb after years of preparation . But he wanted the glory to himself ; therefore , he went up alone . He started climbing and it was becoming later and later . He did not prepare for camping but decided to keep on going . Soon it got dark . . . Night fell with heaviness at such high altitude and there was zero visibility . Everything was black , no moon , and the stars covered by clouds . As he was climbing a ridge at about 100 meters from the top , he slipped and fell . Falling rapidly he could only see blotches of darkness that passed in the same darkness and a terrible sensation of being suctioned by gravity . He kept falling and in those anguishing moments ' good and bad memories passed through his mind . He thought he would die . Nevertheless , he felt a jolt that almost tore him in half . Like any good mountain climber he had staked himself with a long rope tied to his waist . In those moments of stillness , suspended in the air he had no other choice but to shout , " HELP ME GOD " , " HELP ME ! " All of a sudden he heard a deep voice from heaven . " What do you want me to do ? " " SAVE ME " " Do you REALLY think that I can save you ? " " OF COURSE , MY GOD " " Then cut the rope that is holding you up . " There was another moment of silence and stillness . The man held tighter to the rope . The rescue team says that the next day they found , a frozen mountain climber hanging strongly to a rope TWO FEET off the ground . . . What about you ? How trusting are you in that rope ? Why don 't you let it go ? I tell you , God has great and marvellous things for you . I am limited creature , restricted by time and space . I do not like talking about myself - it always seems so egotistical so I will spare you boring details . However , I may indicate that thinking is my hobby . . . I 'm allowed to be bad at it . I am at all not gifted to be able to penetrate the secrets of the heart , but never judge people by their outward actions , habits , looks , lifestyles , etc . , all based on external examination and my own subjective , and therefore faulty experiences . |
Changes ( 29 ) Classroom Activities ( 52 ) Free Writing ( 36 ) Homework Assignments ( 9 ) Reflections - Mississippi Trial 1955 ( 25 ) Re - told Fairy Tales ( 9 ) Touching Spirit Bear Chapters 14 - 28 ( 29 ) Touching Spirit Bear Ch . 1 - 13 ( 29 ) Town Stories ( 27 ) If you wish to leave feedback about a story , click on the title of the story . Enter your name ( first name only ) and your comment . When you are done click on the Submit Button . The Clem has Moved ! Chris Burnett 's blog , The Clem , has moved to / blogs / burnett05 / . If you are following this blog via a feed , please change your RSS feed to / blogs / burnett05 / Rss . aspx . burnett | 1 Comments Added Frustrations Tomorrow we start the MEAP tests . The students will be tested up to six hours a day for three weeks . The MEAP tests are stressful enough but the changes that have been implemented will make the tests even more stressful . I know by the time the third week of testing rolls around , the students will be brain - dead and totally worn out . But we will survive . To add to the stress of the testing , we have been informed that there will be changes in the staff as a result of student count . This seems to be an annual occurance where schedules are changed and students are placed in classrooms where fellow students , if not the teacher , changes . In three weeks , my classes can change dramatically , not only as to the students that are in them , but also the number of students in each class . So much for beginning long term writing projects before any changes are made . I only wish that " the powers that be " in Central Administration would put students first and everything else second . With every year that I teach , I become more convinced that what 's good for kids is secondary . A Nice Surprise Friday afternoon I began receiving feedback on student writing from last year . I believe that a first year teacher had her students read some of the Town Legends that my students wrote last year . All of the feedback was extremely positive and the students that were reading the stories seemed to be impressed with the stories . So . . . if any of my former students are still keeping track of me , go and check out if you 've received any feedback . It 's great to read feedback from other students and know that my former students have done a good job in their writing . Not bad for the first writing assignment of a school year . I can still say that I 'm very proud of my former students and I only hope that this year 's students will be as successful . posted A New Year and New Frustrations I know that the beginning of a new school year is hectic , maybe chaotic ( especially if your building is undergoing major renovations ) , and frustrating at times . This year has been all of the above and more . The hectic and chaotic part started before the new year began with a phone call from my principal ( a really good guy ) . He informed me , along with the whole eighth grade team that we had to have our old rooms packed and ready to move so that we could start out the new year in our new classrooms . The hectic part of the phone conversation was that we were informed four days before the movers were going to arrive . During the summer my old classroom was transformed into nothing short of a " toxic waste dump " with open barrels of " liquid stuff " and an array of construction materials piled inside . I got to pack my classroom stepping over pipes , cans of paint , etc . The move did take place and I can say that my new room is set up and welcoming . I have experienced frustrations at the beginning of a new school year , but I think this year takes top honors . The order that I submitted for dictionaries and other resource materials was messed up and therefore not placed . Unfortunately for my students , one person , a non - educator , made the decision to cancel the order without ever so much as placing a phone call to someone who would have been able to straighten the whole thing out ( namely me ) . So my students continue to try to improve writing skills without the much needed resources . I 'll try again at the end of this school year and hopefully someone will be able to accomplish the goal of placing an order . I guess this last piece of venting is the biggest frustration I , along with my fellow Language Arts teachers face right now . October 3rd we begin administiring the MEAP tests . In the past , the students taking the writing part of the MEAP have had the opportunity and time to brainstorm , write , edit , and re - write what was going to be submitted to the state for testing . This year , not only did the state change the time of the MEAP from January to October , they have taken away two important parts of the writing process that our students have been taught . The students are now going to be scored on their first drafts and whatever they can create in 50 minutes ( or whatever the alloted time will be ) that is what they will be scored on . I can honestly say that I don 't know of anyone who can create a good piece of writing in 50 minutes or so . The state also decided that the students cannot use dictionaries or any other resource materials as they have been allowed in the past . The way I see it , students are being set up to fail and I take exception to that ! I don 't like when people mess with my kids . My eighth graders did exceptionally well last year with the 7th grade writing test and this year 's test will be exceptionally stressful for them because of the changes . Now some of you may be thinking that I 've had four weeks to get the kids ready for these changes but that isn 't the case . We were made aware of these changes two days ago at an all day workshop and the testing begins in two weeks . I certainly hope the state doesn 't expect high scores from students because I don 't think they 're going to happen . Okay . . . I 'm done venting , if only for a while . On a positive note . . . my eighth graders are a great group of kids . We 're going to participate in various ASK programs and the kids will be meeting two authors . They will be in a partnership with a school in Istanbul , Turkey and will post autobiographical sketches of themselves along with other genres of writing . Sharing with students from another part of the world will be a truly exciting and rewarding experience . I am really looking forward to all of the school year projects . If only we can get through the MEAP ! posted One Day Left and A Favor I am enjoying my last day of summer vacations . Tomorrow is the beginning of our new school year and I 'm optimistic . In my previous entry I explained that classrooms were being moved and renovations were continuing in the building . Well , my daughter and I took a drive to the school and peered in windows to see if , in fact , my " stuff " was moved . My former classroom was a lot emptier than it was when I was there last week , so I can only assume that I have officially been moved . Tomorrow I get to find out exactly how well the move went since I will finally be allowed to go into my new room . ( Construction workers made it very clear that we were not allowed into the building until then ) . So I am excited about being able to start a new year in a newly renovated room . Hopefully I 'll be able to call this room " home " for many years to come . While checking out the feedback for my last entry , I discovered a messge from a teacher in Istanbul , Turkey who will be teaching 8th grade this coming year . He has expressed strong interest in setting up some writing projects between our students for the coming school year . How exciting that would be for my students to share and communicate with students from another country ! The teacher who contacted me , John Hogue , has some terrific ideas for projects and I know that once the school year gets into gear , both groups of students will have many opportunities to succeed . I 'm very excited about the possibilities that will present themselves as the school year proceeds . Now here 's my favor . . . to any of my former students who published on the blog . Having published your writing and having received feedback from all over the world , what advice would you give my incoming students ? ( Be nice ! ) Your words of wisdom can be about writing , blogging , what they need to do to succeed in class , or anything else that you think the incoming classes should know . Just send your response as feedback to this entry . I promise to pass your thoughts and advice on to the students as soon aThursday , August 18 , 2005 2 : 06 PM A New Beginning The new school year is about to begin and well , I hope the school year as a whole is smoother than the beginning appears to be . Our middle school has been going through major renovations the past year and a half . Those of you that have dealt with remodeling and renovations will be able to appreciate the following . Our building is a three story building and for the past year or so , the third floor has been vacant while new duct work , doors , carpeting , etc . have been installed . So far so good . At the end of the school year , the classes on the second floor were moved to the third floor since work was completed . Those of us on the first floor were to be moved to the second floor during Christmas break since the second floor renovations were to be completed by then . Okay , no problem . However , last Monday I received a phone call from my principal , who happens to be a man who truly cares about his staff and students , that we had to be in our new classrooms by the first day of school , which for us is August 22nd . So I , along with a few other teachers , spent two days in our classrooms last week labeling everything that needed to be moved . Now keep in mind that our rooms might be categorized as toxic waste dumps with all of the paint , dry wall , duct work , etc . that was stored in the rooms over the summer . So the bottom line is that today and tomorrow the contents of our old classrooms are , in theory , being moved to our new classrooms . The bad news is that the staff will not be allowed into the building until Friday , the 19th after our opening day meetings . That leaves us with about three hours to clean and make our new rooms look somewhat inviting since the students will be arriving at 7 : 20 A . M . on Monday . I never realized how much I don 't like the idea of not being able to go to my classroom the week before school starts in order to make my classroom inviting and personable to my students . But . . . the good news is that we will have a wonderful , warm classroom to spend our days in once everything finds its plMonday , August 15 , 2005 3 : 02 PM " Going Fishing , Part II " In my last entry I shared the story of how my daughter , Nora , has begun to plan her own adventures in life leaving behind the old and moving ahead with the new . Thanks to technology , I get e - mails from her every day and I know that she is safe and sound half way around the world . She has taken the words of Petey to heart and is seriously " going fishing . " After posting the last entry , I started thinking about how educators need to " go fishing . " We get in our comfort zones full of classroom activities and assignments that seem to work for years ( or so we think they work ) and as a result we are reluctant to try new things . I was trying new things and I admit that I was in a major comfort zone . I knew what novels worked with my students . I knew how to teach the novel and what to do with the class after we were done reading . Since 1999 I have had my classes involved in distance learning projects interviewing authors and specialists after novels were completed . But I found myself getting bored and somewhat complacent with the activities . I had done the same thing too many times with too many kids . In retrospect the best thing that happened to me was getting reassigned to eighth grade from sixth grade . I was given the opportunity to try new novels and along with the new novels , different activities . AND . . . I was introduced to " the blog . " Getting this blog set up was definitely " going fishing " for me . Everything about it was new and yes , exciting . My students were motivated to write , and write , and write . Some of them even admitted that they began to enjoy writing because what they were writing about was new and exciting . I 'm not quite sure the topics were new and exciting , but the fact that people all over the world were reading what they wrote was the new and exciting part . Imagine . . . eighth graders were giving me personal poems and social studies essays to publish because they wanted to know what people thought about what they wrote ! The point I 'm trying to get across is that if I hadn 't agreed to have this blog , my students would never have heard from people in England , Bermuda , or various parts of the United States . This blog took me WAY out of my comfort zone and forced me to set aside the old and try the new . It forced me to " go fishing . " And I am so glad I did . I 'll continue the blog next school year and who knows what other new things I 'll try with my students . Let 's face it , the only way we 're going to know if something new works with kids is if we try these new things . And that , my friends , is " going fishing . " The Petey and Nora Story . . . It 's All Ben 's Fault It isn 't very often that a piece of literature . . . one middle school level book , can have an impact on the life of a young adult and her mother . The book is Petey by Ben Mikaelsen and the young adult is my daughter , Nora . For those of you who have not had the pleasure of reading Petey , it is a true story of Petey ( not the person 's real name ) who was born with cerebral palsy in 1920 . Not knowing any better , his parents placed him in a state run insane asylum . Petey endured many humiliating moments while living in the asylum and eventually he was moved to a nursing home . While living at the nursing home , he meets a 13 year old boy named Trevor . They develop a close friendship and begin to share their lives . Trevor takes it upon himself to schedule his daily life around Petey , including hiking trips and walks through their town . Well , one day Petey decides he wants to go fishing . Trevor , being the good friend that he is , arranges for a day long fishing trip with Petey . The story goes on until one day , when Petey is quite old , Trevor and his friend go to visit Petey . Petey kept telling Trevor to go have fun with his friend and not to spend all of his time with him at the home . Trevor refused because he told Petey he wanted to spend his time with him and that it was alright for him not to do " kid things . " Petey realized that Trevor was missing out on a lot because of him . At the end of the novel , Petey told Trevor to " go fishing " meaning that it was time to break away from the old and move ahead with the new . Well , my daughter took this very seriously . Nora read Petey when she was in high school and was very moved by the book . After she finished the book , she was trying to convince me to let her go on a week long trip with her best friend , Lizzie , for spring break . I thought I was coming up with really good reasons not to let her go , but then she said , " Mom , I need to ' go fishing . " Okay , that did it . This past Friday I put her on an international flight to Prague , Czechoslovakia for a month long study abroad program . She 's now 20 years old and planning her own adventures . As I was hugging her at the security gate and telling her to " Be good and be safe , " she looked at me with tearful eyes and said , " It 's okay Mom . I 'm going fishing . " And so she begins to let go of the old and move ahead with the new . By the way , Petey is an excellent novel and I encourage everyone to read it . And yes , it is Ben 's fault , but I thank him for writing the book . posted The Power of a Few Words In my previous entry I shared my thoughts and doubts as to whether I did everything I could to get my students ready for high school . As educators , we have our doubts and rarely do we get any immediate responses from our students as to whether they thought we , as teachers , met our goals and responsibilities . If we do get any responses , it 's usually years later . We may encounter one of our former students and that 's when they let us know that yes indeed , we knew what we were doing . After spending a couple of weeks just getting into a relaxation mode , I decided to check if my students ' writing had received any feedback . Well , there was feedback , but not on any of my students ' writing . The feedback was on my last entry and to my surprise , it was from one of my students . The first realization that shocked me was that we were out of school for well over a week and at least one of my students was still checking for feedback ! However , let me continue . When I finished reading the kind words that she wrote , I was in tears . She has no idea the power that her words hold or the importance of what she wrote . Basically , she validated what I did in the classroom as a teacher . She stated that in the past she didn 't like to write and thought it was boring , but then the more she wrote , the more interesting the process became . She told me that she learned a lot . Every teacher 's dream ! But wait . . . there 's more ! This morning , I checked for more feedback , and lo and behold , there was feedback from another of my students . ( Now keep in mind that at this point , we 've been out of school for two full weeks . ) She also said that she learned a lot and that she really enjoyed publishing on the blog , but yet she really , really enjoyed getting feedback . Well , I wholeheartedly agree that getting feedback is great . As I 've said before , having someone think your writing is important enough to respond to is very , very powerful . These two young students made my year ! Their responses convinced me that publishing writing and haviSaturday , June 25 , 2005 2 : 04 PM Another Year Over My last day with students was Thursday , June 9th and yesterday I turned in my keys . This school year came to an official end at that time . As I was driving home the same thoughts that I have had every year came back . Did I accomplish all that I wanted to and did my students learn what they needed to learn in order to succeed in high school ? I can honestly say that what my plans were last August changed as the school year progressed . I did want my students to write as much as I could get them to write . The question that kept lingering in my mind was " What was I going to use as a ' hook ' to get my students to want to write instead of having to write ? " As you can probably conclude , this blog was my " hook . " From the first piece of writing that found its way to the blog , the motivation presented itself . And . . . the wonder of it all was that the motivation and desire to write remained with my students throughout the whole school year . My students were skeptical at first and questioned whether the feedback they received on their first piece of writing was " real " or if I had made it all up . It didn 't take them long to realize that other people from all over the world were reading and responding to what they wrote . As you can see from the numerous categories I have that we published a lot . Most were class assignments but we did publish " free writing " where the students wrote about what they wanted to write , in whatever form they chose . We also experienced a wonderful surprise when Chris Crowe , author of Mississippi Trial 1955 , responded to the journal entries the students published based on his novel . That 's when the students really became impressed with the power of a blog . We wrote and wrote all year long . I don 't think that the students ever wrote this much in one school year . but they did and they all gave me a great sense of pride . They raised their own levels of expectations and produced some great pieces of writing . We also experienced a partnership when we read the novel Touching Spirit Bear . My claSaturday , June 11 , 2005 6 : 25 PM The Story of Amistad This will be my report on the story of Amistad . I will be acting as if I was in the story and I will be playing the role of Cinque , an African who is captured and was aboard the ship . Cinque also started the slave revolt on Amistad . I will bring you information about the ship 's voyage and the trials of Amistad . Hello , my name is Cinque . I am an African who was captured and traded . I will be telling you the story of the Amistad trip . It was very scary . People were being captured and then brought to some kind of a factory called Lomboka . I and others were sold to a Portuguese slave trader . I was then resold to a slave trader and put aboard the ship , Tecora , which was shipped off to Cuba . When we docked at Cuba , I was sold to Ruize and Montes in , Cuba . We got on board the Amistad and we were on our way to Guanaja with slave owners . I was sick of traveling these seas with lack of food and water and I thought of killing myself numerous times , but held myself together . Every night was HELL because we slept in spooning positions and people were defiling themselves by releasing their bowels . The ship smelled horrible all of the time and we were treated badly . " That was it , " I thought to myself . I wasn 't going to be turned into a slave and beat around the rest of my life . So I started a slave revolt . Many slaves helped because they knew there could be a chance of freedom if the revolted . So we did . We killed the captain and the cook of the ship and told Montes to steer us home . But instead , he deceived us and took us to America . We got to America and docked a half mile from the coast of Long Island , New York . Then we were taken in by the crew of the U . S . S . Washington , held , and taken to New London . We all waited in a jail cell waiting for the trial of Amistad to begin . The case did not start until five months later because the English had to teach us to read and write . The trial started . We were all educated and we were nervous . Hammers were being hit against the table numerous times . The murder charges were dropped because the court thought it was self - defense . But then the trial turned into a matter of property . They were trying to decide if we had to be sent back to the slave traders or if we should be freed . John Adams defended us . Good thing because I don 't think we would have been freed if he wasn 't our attorney . Many abolitionists sent money to our defense so that we would be freed . The trial finally ended in 1842 . We were free and we were later sent to Farmington for further English and religious education . I was so glad that we were finally free . There will be no more beating , lack of food , or torture . I asked for the removal of Lombaka and they agreed with my request . They asked for the British to sail there and destroy the factory and they did ! My people were not going to be captured or traded anymore ! posted Final Writing on Spirit Bear 1B21 I was walking in the forest when I saw a figure lying next to a tree . It was motionless except for a few flinches every once in a while . I was curious so I went up to the figure . I then realized it was the thing I beat the crap out of . I felt proud of my accomplishments . It looked like I broke every bone in its body . I wonder if it is dead or alive . I got very close to the thing . I was sure it was dead . There was no movement in it now . I licked it just to make sure . All of a sudden it poked me with a sharp object . It stung a little , but I stopped myself from attacking . I thought if I didn 't attack , maybe I could teach it that it can 't hurt everything . Maybe it would teach him to talk out his problems instead of always trying to fight . But then the sharp object drove into my neck and it really hurt . I still didn 't fight back though . But then it must have gathered all of its energy because it jumped on me and slammed a rock into my nose . I don 't remember anything after that . Many things happened after Cole killed the bear . He didn 't take the time to realize the bear wasn 't going to hurt him the second time he came to Cole . When he killed the bear it ruined any chance Cole had left to change . He came back to < ? xml : namespace prefix = st1 ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : smarttags " /> Minnesota and became a trouble - maker again . The Circle decided not to let him go back to the island . Cole ended up blaming Peter for his misfortunes and he killed Peter . Cole spent the rest of his life in prison . Maybe if he would have just accepted that the bear wasn 't trying to hurt him the second time he would have avoided all of these tragedies . Then he could have befriended Peter and could have been a better person . posted I Am Peter 's Mom 1B33 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Drinking has taken over my life . It has tormented my family . I smoke , I drink . I tried to stop but I can 't . It helped me ignore the reality that was really going on . It helps me ignore my abusive husband , my disorientated son , and so on . But Ill take responsibility for how my son turned out though . I never gave him unconditional love like a mother should have . I never protected him from my crazy husband who was beating him for no reason . But I decided to quit and start a new life . I want to be the mother he never again . So I am starting over . When I saw my husband beating Cole I wanted to beat him . But since I was so afraid of him I didn 't even have the nerve to cuss at him . I hate when I see my son getting beaten senseless . My husband 's father had beaten him and that 's all he knew . I know I should 've left ASAP . But my fear kept coming back to me if I dared to . It happened at the Circle of Justice meeting when I saw the fiery look in his eyes I was speechless . But now that I 'm getting a divorce from him I feel free . If that really happened in the book , the book would 've been good . If that was really to happen , Cole would probably be the Peter Driscal of the book . If that was to really happen , Cole would have never met Garvey or Edwin . If that really happened , he would have never seen the Spirit Bear . posted Touching Spirit Bear 1B32 My husband and I are on a boat to a distant island . Not for vacation ; a more serious matter . Our son , Peter , who is very troubled ever since getting beat up by a fifteen year old boy named Cole . Peter is now in some kind of program to help both Cole and Peter with their emotions and to forgive each other . I 'm not very fond of it but this is what Cole chose instead of prison . Cole 's parole officer , Garvey , is now trying to convince both my husband and me to let Peter stay on the island after hearing about Peter 's suicide attack . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> On the island Cole seems to have gotten more over his anger than before , but I think it might just be a front so he can get another shot at Peter . Peter doesn 't interact with Cole on the island . If Cole was supposed to help Peter how is that going to happen if they don 't talk or interact with each other ? I figured this would happen . Overnight I decide we should take Peter back to the city and look for a psychologist for Peter to talk to . The next morning Cole pleads with us to let Peter stay , but I have already made my decision . Three months later Peter still is having trouble . He has tried another suicide attack . The psychologist says Peter should go see Cole . I really don 't want to make that phone call but what other decision do I have ? My husband and I are having a meeting with Garvey to set up a time . We leave Peter at home thinking he is asleep but we were wrong . When we came home that night Peter was on the ground with blood all over . Peter was pronounced dead . We were too late . Till this day I blame myself for his death . posted I Am Spirit Bear 1B31 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I remember about a year ago there was a human living on my island . Every time he saw me he would yell at me . So I just went away . But once he attacked me so I attacked right back leaving him to die . I went back later after a nice nap to see if he was alive . I thought maybe I would help but then I thought , " No why should I help him ? He tried to kill me . " Then he grabbed me . His hand slowly moved through my fur . He seemed to move his hand through it like my fur was endless , but finally he touched my skin . Suddenly I reacted . I moved fast , lifting my paw and was batting him around like a cat toy . I didn 't want to take any more chances so I finished him off with one big crunch on his head with my powerful jaws . That was the end of that , so I left and went back to my den . These would have been some of the results of that event . By Cole 's death Peter could have never come to the island . Peter needed to go to the island to help him so without it he would have succeeded at committing suicide . Garvey and Edwin would feel bad for sending him to the island and as a result Cole dying . His dad wouldn 't have cared much that he was gone and his mom would have been devastated . So this would have happened if the Spirit Bear attacked him a second time . posted If I Were Peter 1B30 If I Were Peter …< ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I hate Cole for what he did to me . Because of him I don 't sleep at night , I can 't walk right , or even speak right . I think he should go to jail for what he did to me . I mean he bashed my head against the sidewalk several times . And believe me it hurt . I don 't think he 'll learn any lesson through the Circle of Justice . He almost killed me but he gets to go stay on an island for a year . That 's not punishment . That 's a vacation ! My head is throbbing in pain . I 'm sick of stuttering . I also walk like I 'm crippled . My mom and dad don 't care about me obviously if Cole got mauled and sent back to the island . If they really loved me they would have gotten him locked up . It scares me thinking he 'll come after me and hurt me again . He made me feel like dirt . Now I want to die . Not by Cole killing me though . I think I 'll kill myself . Yeah that 's it . I 'll kill myself . I 'll lock myself in the bathroom and drowned myself . Here I go . Man , I 'm scared I 'll die too slow . Well I 'm in the bathroom with the door locked . The bathtub is almost filled . I put bleach in the water too . I 'm getting in with my clothes on . This water is hot . The bleach is burning my skin . I 'm going under the water . My mom is trying to open the door . I 'm under the water with my eyes open . It burns . I 'm feeling dizzy . My mom just jerked me up from the water . I blacked out . When I woke up I was in the hospital . Then I was gone . With Peter dying this way it puts Cole in a tougher situation . Now it will be harder for him to heal . The ending would definitely change if Peter would have died . Cole would have had a hard time living with the fact he drove someone to become suicidal . posted Peter Came to the Island 1B29 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Peter just got on this island with me . He is way too quiet . I feel like I have done everything in my power to make him feel comfortable around me . I just can 't do anymore . I mean I know it 's my fault but everyone has to be forgiven at some point . He has started talking a little bit now , but not to say anything nice . He just screams and yells at me and makes little comments . He threw a rock at me ! I just couldn 't believe it . I know it missed me , but still it 's just the fact of the matter . You should have seen what he did to me when I was skipping from rock to rock across the pond . But I still didn 't say anything . Now he wants to talk to me . I guess he is more relaxed . He asked to go to the pond alone with me . I was delighted when he said that because I thought he began to trust me . Well shows what I know ! When we got there he tried to kill me . I fought back . I wasn 't going to just let him beat me up for nothing . Well I know I beat him up in the past , but I apologized . I didn 't really hurt him . All I did was push him away . What did you expect ? Just for me to let him beat me up ? Well even though I didn 't hurt him he went and told Garvey that I did . He also made a bruise on his arm and neck just to show that I beat him up when I didn 't . I knew he had told on me because when I came back Garvey had a very disappointed look on his face . That is why I am on my way back to < ? xml : namespace prefix = st1 ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : smarttags " /> Minneapolis on this boat . I tried to apologize but Garvey said it was too late . I felt really bad but there was nothing I can do . As soon as I got there I was arrested and thrown in the detention center . I went nuts ! I was throwing things and smashing things . I guess all the anger I tried to get rid of came back that day . I just broke down sobbing . Well all I know is that when we got there Peter tried to hang himself when he was in his room late at niTuesday , May 31 , 2005 11 : 52 AM Final Writing Assignment 1B28 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I don 't believe they don 't think I could last on this island . Well I 'm going to show them . I can last on this island longer than any body else could . Bet they can 't stay on the island for a whole year . I wish they had given me a bigger cabin . I 'm going to leave . I don 't need to do this any more than any body else does . I don 't need this cabin either . When they come back , they won 't find me . They 'll find the cabin burned down . Where are the matches ? Oh , here they are . Ha Ha Ha ! This is what they get for the way they treated me . Here I go . I 'm going to do it now . Oh , I can 't do it . If I do it , I would just prove them right . I can do it . I can stay on the island for a year . How hard could it be ? If I 'm going to stay here I might need this cabin , so I won 't burn it down . After the year was up Cole was happy he had decided not to leave the island . He felt that he had gone through a change . He felt that he wasn 't as much of an angry person anymore . He started thinking of how he might have been if he tried to leave the island . He knew that if he had left the island , he most likely would have gone to jail . Garvey and Edwin were very proud of him . They were glad that he kept his promise . They all hope to live a better life . posted If I Was Cole I Would ……… 1B27 Cole is a very exciting person . He is bad and is filled with a lot of anger that he takes out on other people . He does not like his parents because of how they treated him , how his father used to beat him and how his mother would not say anything . He doesn 't like to get touched or get told on because he would get mad and try to fight you . In one part of the story it talked about how Cole was trying to kill the Spirit Bear and the bear had attacked him . I picked this event because Cole is very crazy to try to kill an animal that is bigger , meaner , and that can kill him . I also picked this event because it tells people that if you do something bad to someone or something , something bad would happen to you . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> In one part it talked about how Cole was trying to kill the Spirit Bear . If I was Cole this is how it would had been . The time I saw the bear and I saw it coming , I would have stood still and waited until it left . I would not have done anything bad to it so it could have tried to kill me . The bear would have just sniffed me and the bear and I would have gone our separate ways . No , Cole had to be hard headed and tried to spit at the bear and tried to fight it and kill it . So he got what he deserved ; a broken leg , broken arm , hit on the ground , clawed , and thrown around like a little toy . The new part would have changed the story because Cole would not have left the island to go to the hospital . He would have still been there on the island alone with a burned down house with no food or anything to eat . He would not have gotten swarmed by a whole lot of flies . If the part that Cole had gotten attacked by the Spirit Bear was not in it , to me it would have been a boring book because that was my favorite part of the story . That is how I would have had written that part in the book over . posted If I Were Cole …… 1B26 When I got to the island I was so mad at the world . I blamed everything on everybody . When Garvey and Edwin left I decided to explore the island , I walked around feeling angry . I saw something down by the river fishing for some food . I looked at it and it turned its head towards me . I wanted that fish it was trying to eat , so I started to yell and scream at it . I threw a rock at it and it didn 't even move . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I looked around and saw something shiny in the ashes , so I walked over to the ashes and grabbed it . I looked back at the bear and he was staring at me with big eyes . His eyes were looking at me asking why I have that knife in my hands . I ran over to him and tried to stab him and he hit me with his paw . He started to attack me but I couldn 't leave . He just kept on hitting and biting on me . In my head I wanted that bear dead . But I looked into his eyes and they seemed empty and filled with anger . I walked over to him slowly to see what would happen . I was a little nervous because the thoughts of him attacking me were filling my head . I backed up a little and started to step towards him again . I said hello to him and he growled . I think it was because he thinks I am going to try to eat his fish so I left him alone until he finished his fish . When he was done I went back over to him and sat down next to him . When I sat down he walked away and he came back carrying a fish in his mouth . He walked over in front of me and set it down in my lap . After awhile we did almost everything together . He followed me around , he protected me and I think he could even read my mind because when I was in a bad mood , he 'd be mad or he would try to cheer me up bringing me something so we could play a game . The story would change a little because the bear and Cole became friends and the bear would teach Cole how to be friendly and be kind to the world . The bear would teach Cole that life is about being respectful of your property aTuesday , May 31 , 2005 11 : 44 AM Changes 1B25 I am a 15 year old boy . I have lots of anger problems . No one cares about me . I beat up this kid because he ratted me out . Then I was sent to this island . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> After Garvey left I was really angry . I decided to play their game , but I was going to come up on top . Everyone expects me to fail . Well I 'll show them . Staying on this stupid island for a year will be easy . When I first saw the cabin I was tempted to burn it . Later that night I was outside sitting on a log when suddenly I saw a white mist on the shoreline . Then I noticed that it was a bear . The next time I saw the bear I was going to kill it . But I knew that Garvey wouldn 't be happy if they found out I killed a Spirit Bear . So instead of killing it , I would scare it . When I looked toward the bay I saw the Spirit Bear standing there . So I picked up my spear and walked toward it . When I was a couple feet away I threw it . The bear didn 't move . I went back to get my knife but when I turned around he was gone . So I went to sleep . I changed the part of the book when Cole decides that he isn 't going to listen and that he isn 't going to play their game . If the story was written like this , Cole wouldn 't have gotten mauled by the bear . This also means he might not have changed . He might have gone home the same person . posted If I Was Spirit Bear 1B24 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I love to hunt for food . I 'm a 700 pound animal and I have white fur . If I 'm being attacked by something or someone I have to defend myself . Someone pushed me to the limit a year ago . He tried to kill me with a spear . Something told me to attack him . I just walked away and kept my cool . I really didn 't want to kill him . It was a dark night and I was in the woods hunting for food . I was about to catch this deer that looked so juicy when I heard this loud sound . The deer ran away and I was real mad . I looked at the shoreline and I saw this little boy just laying there . It was the same boy from yesterday , I thought . I went up to it and he must have heard me . From the looks of it he wasn 't too happy to see me . So he picked up this spear that was lying next to him . He tried to throw it at me but he missed . I was about to jump on him when something in my mind just said , " Forget it , he 's not worth it , " and I walked away . If this was what really happened in the book then the outcome of the book would be totally different . I feel that it would be different because when Cole got mauled by the bear he saw his life flash before his eyes . Now if this was really the event then Cole would think that life was still a joke . The bear helped him out when he mauled him . If he didn 't get mauled then he wouldn 't be right mentally . So the Spirit Bear played a big part in this book . posted Choosing a Character 1B22 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> The character that I chose to be is Cole . I chose to be Cole because there are a lot of things that Cole didn 't do that I would have done . Especially when Cole was at the Circle of Justice meeting and he stated that he was getting beat by his father and was scared to tell anyone because he thought that his father was going to beat him even worse . I chose this event because to me , I think that Cole should have told someone , and to be honest , I think that Cole 's father should have gone to jail . If I were Cole , I might have said this at the meeting . As soon as I got the feather in my hand I would have expressed my feelings , and said it all . Yes , I do get beaten by my father and I do believe that he should be going to jail . It is not fair that I am being punished for beating Peter , and my father is not being punished for beating me . Can 't you see that it 's because of him that I have all this anger , and when he beats me , I tend to have the urge as soon as I get mad to beat on someone also ? I truly don 't think that it is fair that no one is looking at it the way that I am , and with my mom out having fun getting drunk , she 's no help when I am getting beat . This happens on a daily basis . I know that she wants to change , but with her drinking habits that are taking over her life , she never defends me because she is too scared that my father will beat on her too . So basically we have to live our lives being scared of my father . If all of this would have really happened in the book , with me telling someone , my mother defending me , and people seeing it the way the way that I see it , then maybe all of these Circle of Justice meetings wouldn 't have to be held . If only I could 've said something the first time that it happened , to the police or maybe even to a teacher at my school , it would have made a big difference . If I didn 't follow his foot steps and controlled my temper , then things would have been diffeTuesday , May 31 , 2005 11 : 38 AM Me , as Peter 1B17 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I am going to play the role as Peter . I am 15 years old and live in < ? xml : namespace prefix = st1 ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : smarttags " /> Minnesota . I am very small and easily beat up because of my size . I am the kid that is bullied around and gets beat up and my lunch money taken . I guess that is why I am so small . I do not eat enough . I am kind of the kid that stayed in the shadows and let everyone step on me until one day . One day I was walking home at my regular top speed walk trying to get home without getting beat up or my money taken when suddenly someone hit me in the side of the head . I tried to run but I could not . The person , who ever it was , grabbed the back of my shirt , pulled me back , and started punching me in the stomach . Then he stopped . I figured he would take my money and run , but he did not . He threw me on the ground and pulled back my head with my hair and I saw his face . It was Cole Matthews . I knew that he would kill me if I let him because I told on him . So , without thinking , I pulled out my pocketknife and stabbed Cole in the stomach with it . Next thing I know I am sitting in a police car covered in blood . I looked out the window and saw them putting Cole in a black body bag . Two months later I am getting sentenced to a year on an Alaskan Island where I am supposed to stay and survive for a year . Let 's see about that . I 'll probably have escaped after the first week … posted The Bear 1B16 I am 700 pounds , 7 foot tall and I live in the woods . I am a peaceful bear and don 't kill stuff unless I have to for food . I never see any excitement in the woods around where I live . There 's never anything happening and it 's just boring . My life is just boring except for that one time . That day I was drinking from the stream and I saw a human sitting on the ground . He was sitting by a burned down cabin . He saw me and was just staring right at me and not looking away . I just turned and kept walking . Out of the corner of my eye I saw him get up and start running towards me with a sharp object . The human started running at me and I turned to block his attack . I swung my arm at him and knocked him down . He got right back up and started to run at me again . The human just kept running at me and I just kept knocking him down . Once he got a big chunk of my hair and took it with him . When I knocked him down the sixth time he stayed down and I stepped on his chest and all this blood started coming out of his mouth . I started to walk away but he got up again and tried to kill me . I mauled him with my claws . Then when he was on the ground I ripped off his leg . Blood started squirting everywhere and it got all over my white fur . He was lying there motionless and all my anger came out and I crushed his head in . I was pretty sure he was dead by now , but I heard a noise when I was walking away . I went back and trampled his body . I had blood all over my fur so I had to wash . I went to the stream and washed off . I didn 't see any humans for a while after that . The human 's body was still lying in that same place . One day I was getting a drink from the stream and I saw two humans by the body . They looked older than the human I killed and grabbed the body and put it on this water traveler . That was the last time I 've ever seen a human on the island . Every time I go by the stream I think of that day . The bear killing Cole would be a big change in the story . Cole wouldn 't change and wouldn 't get a second cTuesday , May 31 , 2005 10 : 28 AM Spirit Bear 1B15 I got up early in the morning feeling extremely hungry and decided to take a trip along the river hoping to find some prey . To my surprise , I saw a fresh and energetic salmon jumping up and down in the river . Just as I was going to reach out my arms , thinking the salmon would be in my mouth any second , I came across a weird looking creature that I had never seen before . He was standing not too far away from me and was yelling at me like crazy . Why in the world is he yelling at me like that ? I have done nothing to him . The next thing I knew , he was holding up a knife and aiming it at me . The strange looking creature wanted to kill me , but why ? He probably wanted my beautiful and precious fur . But no , I cannot let him just end my life like that . I am still young and I wanted to see the rest of the world . Now I must think and act quickly . The next thing I knew , before the creature even had a chance to throw the knife , he was on the ground . I never knew my paws were that powerful . Just a little shove had caused him to fall and fly across the ground . I walked over to him checking to see if he is all right , but again , he raised his knife and was heading toward me . What am I going to do now ? I kicked him as hard as I could in his chest . Once again , he flew across the ground and seems to have been hurt badly . I wonder if he is ok because I really did not mean to do what I did to him . I walked toward him , but when I got closer , he stood up and punched me in the face . I pushed him hard across the field and he accidentally tripped over something and the back of his head had hit a rock . He collapsed to the ground and the next thing I knew he was dead . What am I going to do ? I didn 't mean to kill him . I was just trying to defend myself . This would have a very big effect on the outcome of the book . If Cole died , I don 't think there would be anymore story to write . There would be no transformation in Cole 's life . Peter would have never come to the island . Everyone would still hate Cole and think he had goTuesday , May 31 , 2005 10 : 26 AM A Different Voice 1B14 After all that boy Cole Mathews has done to my son , they want him to be sent to an island alone with that monster . I have gone through all of Peter 's pain with him . Peter won 't get over his problems by being sent away . What Peter needs is intense TLC and a suicide watch . Cole caused Peter 's problems by doing the hideous act that has left my son with speech and coordination problems ; because of Cole , Peter wakes up screaming from nightmares on the few nights Peter can sleep . They want me to send my only child away at the mercy of a monster . They tell us it will cause both Peter and Cole Matthews to heal . Cole Matthew doesn 't need to heal . He needs to be sent to prison . I tried to tell my husband that before they allowed that juvenile delinquent to skip out on prison and go on an island vacation . No matter what is said Peter is not going to that island . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> As the mother of Cole 's victim I don 't care if Cole Matthews heal or not . I only care that Peter is safe from that violent , selfish brat that tried to kill Peter and ruin his life . Peter has tried to kill himself too . posted If I Were Cole 's Mother 1B10 If I Were Cole 's Mother …< ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I am not a single parent , but I feel like it most of the time because all my husband does is drink and beat our fifteen year old son , Cole . I never say anything about my husband 's anger because I am scared he will take it out on me also . This is how I ended up in the Circle of Justice . My son beat some little boy up and now he might get a jail sentence . I had a chance at the Circle of Justice to stand up for my son and say that yes my husband beats my son , but I did not . Then when my husband and son got into an arguement , I just sat there . They were talking about my son as if he was some type of a monster . If I were Cole 's mother , I would have stood up for my son . I would have said yes my husband beats my son and yes , my son needs to go to a counselor . That is all . My version of the book would change the outcome a whole lot . First Cole would never have been on that island . Second her husband would have gotten help a whole lot sooner . However , if the event happened this way then there would be no book . posted If I Were Peter . . . 1B09 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I am a nice kid and I always mind my own business . I am about 5 ' 3 " tall and I weigh about 113 pounds . I am not a very big kid . I am almost one of the smallest kids in my school . There is this kid named Cole and he is always picking on someone . So I do not really mess with him or talk to him because I think he is going to hurt me . Cole was bragging about his theft that he did a week ago . Therefore , I decided to tell on him and I did not think that he would have found out . Cole found out that I did it . After that I got really scared . Cold saw me in the hallway and he said to me , " You 're a dead man . " Later after school , Cole cornered me in the parking lot . Cole hit me and I went down . I tried to escape but when I ran , I fell and Cole jumped on me . He started smashing my head into the ground . It took six kids to get him off of me and after that , my face was so bloody . If I did not tell on Cole , I would not have been beaten up . I would not have had to go to the island either . However , after a while , I bet you that Cole would have ended up in jail . Cole probably would have gotten very mad and maybe even killed someone . posted If I Were Cole . . . . 1B08 If I Were Cole …< ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I have a very bad temper . Most of my anger comes from my parents ; they never seem to be there for me . I take most of my anger out on other people / things , and because of that , I get into lots of trouble . That is how I ended up on this island . It was either this or jail . I figured this was better than jail because at least I could have a little freedom . It was only a short period of time before I realized that I was not the only one on the island . There was also Spirit Bear . I tried my best to get rid of Spirit Bear , but was that a big mistake . I tried to kill him , but my plan backfired on me and I almost got killed . It was the day after I was dropped off on this stupid island when I tried to kill Spirit Bear . Instead of my killing Spirit Bear , he almost killed me . I was lying there for days . I thought I was going to die . I ate some things that I never thought I would be eating just to stay alive . I was scared because I did not want to die . After a couple of days , some people found me and I was rushed to the hospital . However , after I was better I had to go back on that island . If I have to change one thing in the story , it would have been when Cole tried to kill Spirit Bear . I would change this because Cole would have never gotten hurt and he would have never had to eat all of those disgusting things . I do not think the book would not have changed a lot , but Cole would have never been taken to the hospital . In addition , he would not have gotten hurt . posted I Am Cole 1B07 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> The character I picked was Cole . I picked Cole because he seems to be the main character and center of attention in this book . Every action he makes predicts the outcome of this book . If something were to change about what he 's done in this book the ending would most likely change slightly or significantly also . The scene I picked was the scene where Cole was going to attack the Spirit Bear . I picked this scene because if he hadn 't done what he did the outcome of this book would totally change , and he may never have found the will power to change . Cole was sitting on a tree stump watching the waves roll up onto shore . He sat there thinking of anyway to get off the island . Then he noticed something in the corner of his eye … the Spirit Bear . He contemplated killing it this time , but wasn 't sure . He grabbed his homemade spear and crept slowly up to the bear . The bear saw him and looked him in the face . For minutes they stared at each other . Cole was still deciding if he wanted to kill the bear . As he began to turn around and walk away , so did the bear . If Cole was never attacked by the Spirit Bear he would have never been injured to the point where he almost died . He wouldn 't have ever noticed the baby sparrows and the feeling he had when he noticed they had died . Most likely he would have never wanted or thought about changing at all . He would have been the same person . Just this time stuck on an island with no one else there . posted Me in a Sticky Situation 1B06 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Hello . I am almost 15 and I am in the ninth grade . The same age as the person who assaulted me . I am 5 ' 1 ' tall . Lots of people call me a red head . It makes me kind of mad , but it is true . My mom says I need to eat and I do , but I just can 't seem to gain any weight . My friends call me Pete sometimes , so if you want to , go ahead and call me Pete . My mom likes Peter , but I like Pete a lot better . It makes me feel a bit older … I think . One day at school I ratted on some kid whose name is Cole Mathews . He picked on me all of the time . I probably wouldn 't have told on him if he hadn 't picked on me all of the time . I really didn 't think that Cole would care that much about getting caught and in trouble . He bragged about the robbery and vandalism he caused at the hardware store , so he would eventually have been caught anyway . Cole was so mad at me when he saw me in the hallway at school . He threatened me by saying , " You 're a dead man , " and then he gave me a hard shove . I didn 't think his threat was a promise but after school I was in hot water . As I went outside , Cole cornered me and just went crazy ! He started hitting me in the face with his bare fists . I was no match for Cole . I did try to run , but my clumsy self fell . When I was on the ground , he started smashing my head into the ground . I lay there crying in my blood and Cole spit on me . Oh man ! That hurt so bad ! But because of the vicious attack , Cole was kept in a detention center . Now I am in the hospital and I hope Cole Mathews receives some horrible consequences and pays for what he did to me . If I wouldn 't have snitched on Cole I wouldn 't be in the hospital right now , or I wouldn 't be all depressed because I got beat to a pulp . But everything happens in life for a reason . This is how my story that day would have gone . I should have just passed Cole like a normal everyday situation and went on with my day . If I were to do that I wTuesday , May 31 , 2005 10 : 14 AM Final Writing 1B05 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I am taking on the task of rewriting the part of the book where Peter beats up Cole . I will be taking Cole 's role when retelling this part of the story . I chose this event because I would want to alter how Cole reacts when Peter attacks him . I think that changing this would make the book better off without changing the overall story . I am Cole and I am at the island with Peter trying to help heal him and myself . One day was different from all the rest though . I got up and was going for a soak . Peter asked Garvey to stay back . I thought this was going to be an easy , but huge step towards our healing . I was wrong . Once we were closing in on the pond , Peter starts yelling at me . In his rage he starts beating me up . I know I deserved it , but I also had to be safe and not fight back . I couldn 't just lie there though . So I get up and run back to camp . I make an excuse to Garvey that Peter and I were racing . The following day Peter asks to go alone with me again , but this time I talk to him on the way there . I finally get him to believe I 'm not going to hurt him or fight back . Then Peter and I reach our ultimate goal - Forgiveness . This event would definitely change the outcome of the book . It would make it different in which Peter and Cole forgive each other . This is because Cole runs when Peter starts attacking him and the next day they talk it over and forgive . Even though that makes the book a little different , the book still holds its true ending - Cole and Peter forgive one another and start working to help each other . posted Changes 1B04 This is going to be so easy . The thought that putting me on the island would change me , well they thought wrong . Then there 's this stupid Spirit Bear that everyone keeps talking about . This so called Spirit Bear is a fake . I have seen a bear on this island but I 've never seen a Spirit Bear . Wait , was that a Spirit Bear ? Naw that was just a dumb ol ' bear trying to catch some fish . Wow this is such an easy way to get out of going to jail , but I didn 't know that the next day was going to be the most miserable day of my life . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> The next day I was going to find something to eat when I saw that same stupid bear again . I told that bear that if he comes near me it 'll be the end of his life . I had a spear in my hand and I wasn 't afraid to use it . So after a little breakfast I saw that dumb bear . This time he was walking towards me . I quickly pulled out my spear and told the bear if he comes near me I 'm going to kill him . That stupid bear just kept coming near me so I raised my spear and threaten that bear again . Once he was a couple of feet away from me I got really scared . I dropped my spear and ran toward my burnt down hut . I never really knew what real fear felt like until today . I couldn 't think of what the bear might have done if I tried to kill him . I never want to think of that again . This event would change the book because if Cole doesn 't try to kill the bear then the bear wouldn 't maul him . The storm would have still happened and while walking through the forest he still would have seen the dead baby birds . I think Cole would have still had the idea of Peter coming to the island when he learned about Peter trying to commit suicide . The good thing about changing the part where Cole doesn 't try to hurt the bear is that Cole doesn 't get mauled which means he doesn 't have to go through all that pain and suffering , even if he does deserve it . posted Rewriting the Fighting Event 1B03 I am a 15 year old boy who has anger problems . I hate to fight but when people make me angry , that 's what I do to let it loose sometimes . The reasons that I have this problem are because my dad beats me and my mom 's an alcoholic . I had beaten a ninth grader up named Peter Driscal . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Well it all started when I was in a hardware store with some friends . I was buying a pack of pencils and a pencil sharpener for school . I already had paid for my things but was looking around until my friends were done buying their things . The cashier had forgotten that I had paid for my things because there were a lot of us in the store . When we were leaving , she accused me of stealing . I was trying to explain it to her but she said that she was calling the police . My friends were telling me to run and I was asking them for what . I didn 't do anything wrong . But no one would answer me , so I ran . The next thing I knew the police were on our tails . I stopped because I couldn 't take it any more and running would have made it even worse . While the other guys were jumping the fence , John and Alex were telling me to come on . I couldn 't get into anymore trouble so I let them catch me . There were a lot of people standing around waiting to hear the news . The first person I saw before the police slung me in the car was Peter Driscal . I just knew that when we went to school the next day a rumor would be started . The police took me to the station and I cleared up the whole situation and they let me go . The next day I went to school . Everyone was staring at me and whispering . I went to John and Alex 's locker and I was asking them what the big gossip was . They told me that Peter Driscal was spreading rumors about me stealing from a store . I saw Peter walking down the hall way and I pushed him up against the lockers . I didn 't care who was looking or if he was hurt . I was really angry . I told him to meet me after school in the parTuesday , May 31 , 2005 10 : 10 AM Final Writing 1B02 I just got put on this stupid island because they said I was too angry . What do they know anyway ? Those old people don 't know me . My stupid P . O . keeps being nice to me . What is his problem ? Now I 'm sitting on this stupid island all by myself . I 'm supposed to stay here for a whole year . What am I supposed to do ? There is no T . V . , no radio or nothing . All these bugs keep irritating me so bad . Plus there is a big stupid bear that keeps staring at me . I 'm already sick of this place . I think I will try and escape . I will swim to the next island . It doesn 't seem that far . Besides I 'm the best swimmer at my high school . I tried to swim but the tide kept pulling me back to shore . This bear is still staring at me and I think it is getting closer . I hope that bear is only curious . Just in case I will make a spear to protect myself . I walked to the shore to get some fish . I was fairly close to the bear , but I guess I was a little too close . The bear swung at me hard to ward me off . I could hear air the rushing past me like a train . I 'm glad I moved back when I did or he would have knocked my head off . At that moment I had the most serious choice to make . Do I run and get my spear or do I leave the bear alone ? Finally , I made my decision . I ran back to the hut and ran inside scared out of my mind . I calmed down a little bit when I read a book about bears in the box of supplies . It said that bears are more afraid of you than you are of them . Bears are very territorial . Bears have to survive . If the bear thinks it is being threatened , it will do anything it can to ward off his enemies . As I was flipping through the pages , I heard a noise coming from outside the cabin . I peeked out the window and saw the bear staring right back at me . The bear looked oddly scared , as if it was scared of me . I went outside to calm the bear and let it know I wasn 't going to hurt him . As I talked to it is was as if it understood me . He came up to me so close that I could feel his breathing on my stomach . Now I fiTuesday , May 31 , 2005 9 : 36 AM Touching Spirit Bear 1B01 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I never thought that Peter would ever have the guts to fight me again when I already beat his skull into the ground . I was wrong to hit him in the first place and I was very wrong to have done if for no reason . As you know I beat the brains out of Peter for snitching on me but that was a long time ago . So now he decides to come on the island and to do what ? Try to beat me up ! No way I am going to letting this happen . So I am going to change the event when Peter beat me up . Only because he has no right to touch me . If he that was in self defense then he is wrong because the last time I hit him was the day I found out he snitched on me . So it starts off that I am walking near the pond when all of a sudden I hear something in the bushes . I am startled and take a couple steps forward to see what the problem or danger is . All of a sudden Peter comes from behind me from the small trail that Garvey made . Cole said , " Hi Peter . " " Hey , what 's up Cole ? I had to talk to you about something , " as Peter said with a grin . " What is it ? " Cole asked . " Well I did not like the fact that you beat me up a couple of months ago and I would really like to return the favor , " Peter grinned . Cole jumped up and was a little scared and thought that Peter might use a weapon . With quick thinking Cole threw a punch as fast as he could and knocked Peter to the ground . Peter was not done with him and picked a boulder up and smashed Cole 's hand . Cole then started to run to the totem pole so he could get his knife . As Cole approached the totem pole he saw the knife sticking out of the wood . Quickly Cole picked the knife up and turned around . Peter wasn 't there . Cole was puzzled and put down the knife . Cole then fell to the ground and starting gasping for air . All of a sudden Peter slammed his elbow into Cole 's solar plexus . Cole couldn 't breathe and Peter beat Cole 's face in and Cole was bleeding severely . Garvey walked fTuesday , May 31 , 2005 9 : 34 AM What Would Have Happened If . . . The final piece of writing for Touching Spirit Bear has been completed . the goal was to have the students write in someone else 's voice . They were to choose a character from the novel , introduce themselves by describing themselves and their actions , choose an event in the book that the character was involved in and change it , and then explain how the changes would have affected the outcome of the book . The kids did a really nice job . Writing in someone else 's voice is not an easy thing to do , but once again , the kids didn 't disappoint me . A few of the kids really challenged themselves by choosing the Spirit Bear ! These writings are in the category Changes . We hope you enjoy the stories . posted Last Assignment 1B23 I have chosen the part of a mother whose son has done something wrong and is being sent to an island for a whole year because of his mistake . I am also a wife whose husband beats our son . I have chosen to tell you what I would have done differently when Cole , my son , was being beaten by his father . I have chosen this event because I think that if I , as Cole 's mother , would have handled the situation differently then Cole would never have beaten up Peter and been sent to the island . I also thought that if I would have defended him he never would have turned out to be a hoodlum . This is how I think it would have been if I defended Cole I stepped into the room where I heard Cole , my son , scream . I saw my husband hitting Cole . I was scared but I knew that I had to stop him . However , I knew that if I tried then he would turn around and hit me too . I also knew that I was no match for him . So I told him to " STOP " in a firm voice and when he didn 't listen and he just told me to mind my own business , I called the police . It turned out though that the neighbor called them fifteen minutes ago because of all the noise so they were already at my front doorstep knocking on the door . I ran to let them in to stop my husband . As soon as I opened the door they heard Cole scream again and they ran to him . Once they saw what was going on they took out their weapons and told my husband to put his hands above his head . After five minutes they had him in a cop car and one of the cops took him to the police station . Immediately after that Cole and I pressed charges against him for emotional and physical abuse . The jury found him guilty and he was sent to prison for a long time . Cole and I started a new life together . We got a new house and everything . I think that would change the whole ending of the story because if Cole 's father could not beat him then Cole would not have to learn to respond to people that way . Also if Cole was defended then I don 't think that he would have been such a bad kid and stolTuesday , May 31 , 2005 11 : 40 AM Fianl Writing 1B18 I am taking on the role of Cole . I am choosing to change the event where Cole decides to be an idiot and burn his cabin down . I chose this event because if Cole had never burnt his cabin down , so many things in the book would have happened differently . Cole might not have been mauled . Peter and his parents may have never had to go to the island . Peter may not have tried to commit suicide . So many things could have happened differently . I am Cole . I have been banished to an island for a whole year just because I beat up some kid that deserved it . I 'm really mad . No one is here . The elders have just left , and I don 't know what to do . I 'm just going to go inside my cabin and do nothing . This event would have changed the outcome of the book because if he had never burned his cabin down I don 't think he would ever been mauled by the bear . He would have never left the island . I also think that Peter would have ever come to the island . posted If I Were Spirit Bear 1B12 I was taking my mid - morning walk along the shore when I looked out into the water . I saw a queer looking creature splashing around further in the water ; it seems it was trying to make it to a far off island . I 've been to that island before and I cannot understand why anyone would want to go there ! The food is dreadful and trees there are sparse . Maybe when it is through swimming it 'll come over to my den . I really don 't have any friends or family since I took a trip from my homelands off the coast of British Columbia and got lost . Anyway I think I 'll come back later just to check up on this bizarre looking creature . After thinking about my earlier encounter with the splashing creature I 've realized that what I saw was a human ! I 've seen some back home always catching fish with their long wood sticks ; don 't they know it 's much easier to catch them with their hands ? Well I think I 'll go check up on the human . Walking down the dewy grass I saw it , the human . He was holding a pointed stick and yelling at me ! But why ? I was just walking and minding my own business . I think I 'll get a closer look . As I got closer he got even louder . By this time I was kind of baffled . I always try to be kind and gentle , but he was asking for it . I decided to teach him a lesson , but I 'm not going to be too hard on him . I got closer and he hit me . I didn 't like that at all , so I made a big , loud growl . He began to sweat . Even though he seemed scared , he kept fighting back . At this time he jumped on my back , so I threw him down as hard as I could . He got up hastily and ran to the forest . I was still angry but instead of chasing him and hurting him more I decided to head home , for there was a storm coming . Cole hid under a tree during the immense storm . He wasn 't hurt badly , but he did change . He spotted the baby sparrows and was watching them before the storm . After the storm , he looked around for them ; the lightning must have gotten the tree for it was lying on the ground and the baby sparrows , well , they didn 't survive . I watched Cole as he cried , staring at the nest of the late baby sparrows . It made me feel hopeful , that maybe , just maybe , he will change because of what he saw . When Edwin and Garvey came on their small boat to check up on him , they could tell he changed , and were proud of that . However , the burning of the cabin disappointed them . He went back to the Circle of Justice to ask for forgiveness . He wanted to go back to the island , and they let him , but many of the people there opposed the decision . He had to sell his things to pay for new supplies . He also had to pay for the cabin , and build it himself . The ending of the story is still the same as in the book , but Cole doesn 't have any scars to show for his fight . posted Journal Reflections Chapters 14 - 28 1B21 I was surprised it took Cole so long to recover . Don 't get me wrong , six months is a long time . But considering his injuries , I thought it would take longer for him to heal . I didn 't think that they would put him back in the detention center . I thought they would allow him to go home with his mom . But I guess I thought wrong . I didn 't think that the Circle of Justice people would allow him to have another chance on the island after he blew his first chance . But he did have to pay for everything himself , so I guess it was a fair deal . < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> When Cole went back on the island I thought Edwin and Garvey would help him out a little bit . The only reason I thought this is because Cole has a bum right arm . But when they made him do everything himself , I was a little surprised . I thought Edwin 's explanation of how life is a hot dog was of kind funny . I think Cold felt the same way I do . At first I had no idea why they wanted Cole to do those weird dances , but now I see that it was to teach Cole some valuable lessons about life . I had no idea why Edwin would want to go in that freezing cold water , but now I see it as his way of " washing " away his anger and all of his problems . If only for a little while . I was surprised Cole actually wanted to help Peter after he found out Peter tried to commit suicide . I thought Garvey was crazy for bringing Peter on the island with Cole . But now I see that it was the only way for them to forgive each other . I thought Peter would never forgive Cole for what he did to him , but after awhile he starts to do the things Cole does . After Peter beats up Cole , Peter finally forgives Cole . I find it kind of funny that the only way for Peter to forgive Cole was for Peter to do the same think that Cole did to him . posted 10 Friends Including Me 1B01 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Wow ! Tim 's gotten taller , Wade turned into an NBA baller . Dominic 's too busy playing the drums , Mike just got in trouble for chewing some gum . Now Kurt 's hair is long and curly , Brian complains about waking up too early . Ivan plays his guitar every single day , Alex is smart . He averages an A . John has a nickname . I think it 's Tiny , Jenny 's earring is too dang shiny . Oh yeah ! My name 's Dustin . I am a sugar rush . I calmed down a bit , but not that much . Oh yeah . This poem is part 2 , So read the first one because this one 's new . posted Reflections on Chapters 14 - 28 1B32 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I think Cole should go back to the island even through being mauled by a bear . Cole learned a lot on his first trip about himself and his anger . I think Cole can continue learning if he goes back to the island . Besides he hasn 't completely gotten over his anger . He still makes bad situations even worse and sometimes has bad attitudes . If Cole stays on the island he has a good chance of getting over his anger . But I wouldn 't put him on the island by himself he has now proven he can 't be trusted by himself . I think the routine of waking up before dawn , soaking , and carrying the ancestor rock up the hill helped Cole a lot with his anger . The animal dances seemed to teach him a lot about patience and trust . Both of these actions seemed like meditation . If Cole would have been introduced to this in the beginning it would have changed the whole book completely . The most surprising thing to me in this section was when Peter 's parents let him stay on the island with Cole . I would have never put my kid in harms way no matter how convincing it may sound . What were they thinking Cole beat there kid senseless and now there going to give him the chance of doing it again . I 'm not sure if Cole can be stopped before doing damage to Peter . If I did decide to let my kid stay there I would have more people there for Peter 's protection I thought Cole showed much mutinous by not hitting Peter back . I think he realized I do deserve this I was wrong for what I did . Even after the beating he still trusted and forgave Peter just how Peter forgave him . Cole not only saved his life but he saved Peter 's also . Question : What was the last object carved into the totem ? posted Touching Spirit Bear Pt . 2 1B24 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Cole has been doing well since being mauled by the bear . He can 't use his right arm anymore but he is still doing okay . He had to be put in a detention center until the Circle of Justice knew what to do with him . They said they will give him one more chance . So when he went back to the island Edwin and Garvey stayed with him . Garvey and Edwin didn 't give him the same privileges like the last time . He had to build his own cabin and make his own food . I feel he deserves it because he burned down his first cabin and threw away all of his food . Cole had thought of leaving the island on the boat but he decided not to . Anyways if he did try to leave the island he couldn 't have left because Edwin had the spark plugs for the boat so he wouldn 't even try to leave . I feel he did the right thing because if he would of left then he would be done for and would have to go to jail . Cole has been doing better since the spirit bear incident . Cole , Edwin , and Garvey have been doing animal dances . Cole saw a humpback whale and so they did the dance of the whale . I thought that was kind of weird because I don 't hear of people doing that dance everyday . Cole had to also make them a feast . After Edwin and Garvey left for the rest of the year Cole had the lonely feeling that he had when he was on the island last time . I feel that he can survive because he survived the Spirit Bear attack so I know he can survive on the island . Cole found a log so he could carve a totem . Cole founded out that Peter tried to commit suicide . So Cole said that why don 't Peter come on the island with him . When Peter was on the island he hardly talked . But when Cole told him about the ancestor rock and about the pond he started to talk more . I feel that Peter is going to forgive Cole . Peter saw a Spirit Bear too . In the book Cole carved a circle for his carving . Why do you think he carved a circle for his totem pole ? posted Touching Spirit Bear Part 2 1B03 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Since the last few months Cole has been doing well controlling his anger . Ever since Garvey and Edwin introduced the pond and the ancestor rock to Cole , he has been doing well with the same routine all along , soaking in the pond and carrying the ancestor rock . They both help relieve pain , anger , and stress . It seems that every since Cole has been doing it his anger has been getting lighter and lighter everyday . Edwin and Garvey had finally left Cole on the island by himself . Cole had to then learn how to gather firewood to keep warm and to cook his dinner . Every since the accident Peter has never been the same . He hardly eats his food , talk to his parents , and even sleep . Cole has been wondering about the things that he could do to help Peter heal the pain . On the doctors note they said that Peter would never forget about the accident and would be scared of Cole for the rest of his life . Peter thought that his life was worthless and didn 't mean a thing to him , and to people since Cole had did brain damage and left bruises on his body . Peter then tried to commit suicide . Everyone then started to get worried and was wondering what they could do to help Peter . When Edwin came back and told Cole the news Cole was very scared . Cole thought that maybe he and Peter need to spend time alone so that Peter would get to know that he is not a bad and mean person . The only way that Peter 's parents had agreed with it was if Garvey stayed on the island with him . When Peter arrived for the first two weeks he was silent and didn 't say anything to Cole . Once Peter got used to the place he was talking to Cole for a little bit and even carrying the ancestor rock and soaking in the pond , until this one day Cole thought that it would be a good idea for him and Peter to go without Garvey . All of a sudden Peter just snapped on Cole and started yelling and pushing Cole . Cole refused to fight back ; he really thought that he Tuesday , May 24 , 2005 9 : 14 AM Reflections from Chapters 14 - 28 1B29 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Cole is back on the island and I feel it is good for him . He learned plenty from his deadly encounter with the bear , so he deserves another chance to learn more than what he learned while he was half dead on the island by himself . Now Garvey , Edwin , and Cole are on the island together but only for a little while . Then Edwin and Garvey are going to leave the island and Cole to fend for himself . Garvey and Edwin finally left Cole to fend for himself but before they left they made him build his own cabin with his own two hands and a bad arm . I feel Cole is getting what he deserves when they made him build the cabin by himself because just like Edwin said in the book , " I built the last cabin for you . I built it well . I still feel hurt from what you did . If you burn this cabin , you hurt only yourself . " I feel what Edwin is saying because I 've had been in the same situation before that was sort of similar . I made someone something and they destroyed . They didn 't realize it but they would need it in the long run . The first time Cole went to the lake to soak he had many bad thoughts about how he shouldn 't have to soak and carry the ancestor rock , but I feel that Cole needs this just so he could clear his mind . In the part where Peter came to the island and saw Cole with his parents he was a down hearted and depressed boy . He didn 't talk and he could barely walk . I felt sorry for him when his parents left him and made him stay with Cole , It seemed as if he was just scared to death of Cole . Peter was very mean in these chapters . Just to get revenge on Cole he threw rocks , he tripped him , and he even left the door open when he came from the bathroom and Cole was asleep by the door . He also destroyed his spirit bear carving on his totem poll . After Peter was finished with getting his revenge on Cole you would assume that they would be even but that 's where everyone went wrong . That morning he asked Tuesday , May 24 , 2005 9 : 01 AM Reflections Chapters 14 - 28 1B10 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> When I began to read the second chapter , I did not like Cole 's father , mother or him either because to me they had all did something wrong . Cole 's father his problem was he beats his child and than he lies about it . Cole he had many problems one of his problems is that he beats people up . Cole 's mother she sat there and does not stop him or say anything to the police . In chapters 14 - 16 , I think that is somewhat wrong that Cole 's father not once came to see him in the hospital . That is not even cool how you are not going to go see your own son in the hospital . If I was Cole 's father even though we have our problems I would still love him so I would go see him anyways . In the chapter Garvey talks Cole 's mother into talking to the police I am so she decided to talk to them because something needed to be done or else Cole will probably continue to do the same old things right along in his foot steps . Maybe once they get him , they can get him some help , maybe he will stop drinking , and than they could be a happy family , they once may never have been . If I was Cole when he 's in the hospital and his moms acting like he cares I would be kind of scared to believe her because if she really cared than she would have stud up for him in the Circle Of Justice . In chapter 20 , Cole keeps mentioning he sees spirit bear . I am wondering is he really seeing spirit bear or is this all in his head . I am not sure if there is a really spirit bear or not I think it is somewhat unbelievable . Cole 's nervous to tell Garvey he seen spirit bear , yeah I would have been to because there probably going to think he is crazy . Question : In the book they keep mentioning this dance thing what is the purpose for the dance ? posted Reflections on Touching Spirit Bear - Chapters 14 - 28 1B14 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> I don 't blame the Circle of Justice or the Driscals for still not doubting Cole . Peter has no reason to trust Cole anyway . Cole has not shown himself to be trustworthy or thinking before he acts . In the past Cole burns down he shelter and supplies , and then tries to escape breaking his agreement with Circle of Justice . To show himself as more irresponsible he tries to kill a large bear with a stick and then continues to blame his problems on everyone else . I don 't think because Cole acted stupid he should be exempt from punishment for breaking his agreement with Circle of Justice . I think Cole going back to the island is an interesting idea . That he has to buy his own supplies and build his own shelter obligates Cole to the island and his promise to Edwin , Garvey and the Circle . I think Cole 's dances help him even though he originally thought they were stupid . They helped him to learn from each animal . Cole is also helped by the ancestor or anger stone and his morning soak . Cole 's sightings of the Spirit Bear may have been real or imagined but it did cause changes in the character of Cole . The deal with the connection between Cole 's anger , being invisible , and the sightings of the Spirit Bear isn 't real even if Peter can see the Spirit Bear also . Cole 's totem shows he is healing and trying to control his anger . That is shown when he stops himself from carving a canoe and instead uses the log as a totem pole . Cole is also honest with Edwin about what he almost did . AS interesting as Cole ' returning to the island was , Peter coming to the island is even more interesting . Peter has the right to feel angry at Cole for the awful , horrible thing Cole did to him . The book was all right but the ending was boring and unrealistic . Question : What significance did Garvey place upon Peter and Cole 's carving of the Circle on the totem pole ? posted Touching Spirit Bear Journal Entry 14 - 28 1B33 < ? xml : namespace prefix = o ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : office " /> Six months later after the whole bear episode . A lot had change , also . Cole 's mom has been doing great . She stopped drinking and change for the better . But his father on the other hand didn 't ever visit him . Cole wants to go back to the island but the reality is that he will probably go to jail . They had another circle justice meeting because of what happened . Edwin came surprisingly . He showed how quick people can change if they 're on the right path . Cole was later released in Garveys and Edwin 's Custody . That meant he was going back to the island . This time was going to be hard for Cole to survive since him to sell him property in ads to support himself . He also had to build a whole new cabin on his own . Cole was really excited to come back . He was already thinking about the spirit bear . One Morning Edwin woke up Cole and took him to a ledge in a pond . Both of them got into it but it was freezing , it was suppose to release stress . Then they went up a slope and rolled down an " ancestor " rock . It was supposing represent anger rolling away . Cole did this routine ever since . One day Cole saw the spirit bear again . He didn 't want to tell Edwin or Garvey because he thought they wouldn 't believe him . But they already knew about it . They left the island a few days later . Cole was doing great . During one of Edwin 's visits he gave Cole a knife to carve things . Cole decided to make a totem pole . When he found a log big enough he was thinking of making a canoe . But that brought back anger though . So he put a big cut in the log so he couldn 't . Edwin came back ; he told Cole that Peter was trying to kill himself . So Cole had the Idea to bring Peter to < ? xml : namespace prefix = st1 ns = " urn : schemas - microsoft - com : office : smarttags " /> Island . Nobody really brought it though . But one day Peter came he didn 't talk for a while . But he talked through his action and it showed that he was mad . Tuesday , May 24 , 2005 8 : 21 AM |
The last couple of days I have shared a few different stories with all of you . ( God allowed me to go through a mess in the middle of my story time and I believe that in due time it will bring Him glory ! ) Anyways , what was the point of all of my stories ? ? ? ? ? The point that I want to come across through my stories is , what is really important in your life ? After the school shooting , the Christmas holiday and conversations I have had with different people lately , I felt God leading me to write this post . If you are one of the MANY people I have had a conversation with about any of these subjects please do not be offended this is NOT an attack on you in any way ! ! Over the past couple of weeks what has been consuming everyone 's thoughts ? ? ( Not everyone . . . . . but a large majority of the population . ) The first thing was GIFTS ! What am I going to buy my mom , sister , brother , dad , best friend , kids , teacher , wife , husband , dog . . . . . . . for Christmas . Is there something wrong with wanting to buy people gifts ? No , not at all . BUT . . . . . . . . I would see people post on FB please pray for ' Bob ' because they can 't afford to give their kids gifts this year . I saw my Pastor 's wife posting about people coming to the church asking for the church to buy gifts for their kids . We have organizations like Toys for Tots to make sure our kids get stuff for Christmas . Like that is THE most important thing about Christmas . * * Everyone who reads this blog knows that I am a Christian and obviously I think that Christ is the most important thing about Christmas , but that is actually not what this blog is about , stick with me : ) The second thing that people were talking about daily was the shooting at the elementary school . I saw people post and people talk about holding their kids a little tighter that day , or they turned off their computer to play with their kids that day and a couple days that followed . It was such a tragedy and people couldn 't believe it happened . I am not at all trying to downplay what happened . It was horrible no question about that , but why does it take something horrible happening to make people care a little more about others ? ? Since I have started blogging I have a good following of people who read my blog every time I blog . Then , when I went through my worst night ever , the number of people who read my blog that day quadrupled . . . . . . Why does it take me going through something horrible for people to " care " about me ? ? The fact is you do not know what is going to happen next week , tomorrow or even later today . My mom died the day after she seemed better than she had ever been . Mariela went from a spunky happy kid to being on a breathing machine and possibly having her brain drilled into . Michael and I were in an accident that wasn 't too bad , but what if it had been worse and we wouldn 't have been ok ? ? I have other mom 's who will tell me , I wish I could be a stay at home mom like you , but we just can 't afford it . No , what you can 't afford , is to give up your lifestyle , there is a difference . We don 't have cable , we don 't have really nice cars , we buy our clothes from second hand stores or yard sales . My 3 older kids have lived a part of their life with me working outside of the home . Awhile back they said something about wanting something and I said , well I can go back to work so we have more money . They ALL quickly said no and to this day have NEVER said anything about not having " stuff " . The fact is your stuff doesn 't matter ! ! ! The family and friends that you have in your life do matter ! ! ! Please , don 't wait until something " bad " happens in your life or the life of someone you know before you start loving on your family and friends . If I were to die tomorrow , I don 't ever want my family or friends to be able to say , I wish I could have spent more time with her . I want them to be able to say remember all of the fun times we had together . No , we may not have a lot of money and I may not buy my kids a lot of stuff that we can 't afford , but they get loved on everyday of the year ! I didn 't need a school shooting to make me stop using the computer and spend time with my family . I didn 't need a car accident to make me hug my kids a little tighter . I do that stuff daily ! ! ! My kids and my husband are my world and I make sure that they know this EVERYDAY of their lives ! ! I also try to go out of my way to make sure my friends know how much I love them . I have people over and cook them dinner and hang out . It may not be much , but it is a day that I am able to serve them and spend time with them and I know that for my real friends that is enough . I really want to encourage all of you who read my blog as we come up on the end of the year and start a new one to look at this past year . If you or someone you loved wasn 't here tomorrow what would you regret ? Would you regret not buying them something ? ? Or would you regret the time that you should have or could have spent with them ? ? Then this next year spend everyday showing your loved ones that they are what is most important in your life . . . . . . Not your stuff . You really don 't know what tomorrow holds and you don 't want to regret the time you missed out on with someone : ) Happy New Year 's eve . . . . be careful tonight ! ! ! ! One Sunday afternoon in October 2009 , Mariela told me that she had a headache and I didn 't think much of it . Later that evening she said that her head hurt really , really bad . I gave her some Tylenol and told her to go to bed and hopefully when she woke up she would feel better . The next morning Makayla came in my room and woke me up saying that Mariela was crying because her head hurt . I gave her some more Tylenol and she laid on the couch all day . I gave her Tylenol 2 more times throughout the day / evening . Before bed she was really crying so I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the hospital . She said yes , so off we went at midnight to the hospital . When we got there we signed in and were told that there were 16 people in front of us and there would be about a 4 hour wait to be seen . So her and I discussed if we should stay or not . We decided to go home and go to bed and go to her Dr first thing in the morning so we didn 't catch something waiting there sitting in the waiting room . Tuesday morning came and she still had a bad headache . We went to see her Dr and they looked at her and couldn 't see anything wrong except maybe some congestion so they sprayed some nasal spray up her nose and told me to give her Tylenol / Motrin every 3 hours . She went all day Tuesday after the apt feeling fine . We went over to my best friends house for dinner and she played and goofed off like she always does . Then again about 10pm she started saying her head hurt again . So I gave her some Motrin and she went to sleep . At 4am she woke me up crying that her head hurt again . She also started vomiting a little bit . I called the Dr because they said if the headache actually woke her up from sleep then I needed to call immediately . Dr said for me to take her to the ER so they could do more testing like a CT to make sure nothing else was going on . We got to hospital about 5 : 30am ( not one person in waiting room this time ! ! ) First , they tested her for strep and flu . When both of those came back negative they did blood work . When everything was normal with that they ordered a CT . After the results from that showed nothing was wrong he said the only other thing he could think to do was a spinal tap to check for meningitis . I did not really want to do this because I knew it would be very painful for her . The Dr saIn the midst of getting ready to transport her the blood work came back showing that her sodium levels dropped dangerously low . They started her on a sodium IV . The ambulance came and I rode with her over to Central Dupage hospital . When we got here there were 2 Dr 's and 6 nurses running around her trying to get her stable and get her up to CT . Honestly , all of this had me a nervous wreck . What was discovered was that her brain was swelling and the combination of the swelling and the low sodium was causing all sorts of new problems . It was causing her brain to tell her kidneys not to release urine and the swelling was causing the brain to be squished and caused the confusion . They put her on a breathing machine with a tube down her throat to help her breathe . They also put in a central line and an arterial port , one in each groin . They were talking about needing to drill a hole into her skull to release the pressure on her brain . They decided to hold off a little longer to see how she handled what they were doing . They kept her sedated and on antibiotics until they could see major improvement . But my little sweet petite girl was fighting the sedative and would sit up in bed and it would take anywhere from 3 to 5 nurses to hold her down ! She seemed not to be getting worse so they stopped discussing the drilling into the skull . We just had to sit and wait for the swelling to go down . Michael and I never left the hospital . They let us sleep in a room that they had their for parents . Family and friends came to visit and showed their support to us everyday ! People would bring us meals and sit with us to keep us company . People would go in her room and pray over her . The support that we received was amazing and I knew that God was using these people to help bring me His peace through this whole situation . On Sat morning they did another CT . The swelling seemed to be going down and they decided to take her off the ventilator . She was very sore and looked pretty miserable . It was so hard to see her still in pain , but it was 100x worse seeing my baby girl with all of the tubes and and on a breathing machine . I was so happy and relieved to see her off of them ! ! Even if she still wasn 't feeling 100 % better , this was a huge step forward ! ! We had snow Tuesday night and our car will not make it up or down our driveway because of the snow turned ice patches we have going up our pretty steep mountain driveway . Yesterday , Michael got home from work while it was still daylight out and he and I left the kids home and walked down the very slippery driveway to out car which we have to park at the bottom of . We were running into town to go to Wal - mart because we were out of everything . . . . . diapers , milk , eggs , juice , water , bread . . . . . . ( In a house with 8 people it is impossible to go that long without going to the store ! ! ) Anyways , after our trip to Wal - mart we wanted to go by the Tractor Supply store to buy some salt for the driveway . I was driving and my light turned green to turn into the Tractor Supply plaza and as I was turning another vehicle did not stop at their red light and ran right into the the side of our car . I was so incredibly scared ! I was in a little bit of pain too , but more scared and shook up than anything . We got out of the car and I started to ball my eyes out . All I really remember saying was thank God our kids weren 't with us ! The point of impact was the passenger side back door and trunk area , which is exactly where my kids would have been sitting . They could have been seriously injured if they were in the car . Praise God that Michael and I ( or the old guy who hit us ) were not hurt . Like I said I am a little sore , but I 'll be alright . Michael was totally unharmed and he was on the impact side . I have thanked God repeatedly that he wasn 't hurt . The guy who hit us had no business driving in my opinion . He was a older man ( 75 - 80 if I had to guess ) He said that he didn 't even see me . ( apparently he didn 't see the red light that he ran through either ) While we were waiting for the police / tow trucks I was asking him if he was alright . He said yes , and proceeded to tell me that he has some kind of medical condition ( He said the name , but I don 't remember it ) where he looses feeling in his feet and they go numb . Again , this man should have never been on the road ! The side of the car is messed up pretty bad . The door window broke upon impact ( I was picking glass out of my hair ) and the tire / rim is totally bent / tilting into the car . It is an old car and I am sure that the insurance company is going to write it off as a total loss . Meanwhile , our van has a broken alternator so we no longer have any means of transportation . Wonderful . While waiting the officer called me over to where he was standing . I walked over to him and when I got over by him he told me to turn around and put my hands behind my back . He said that there was an outstanding warrant for my arrest and proceeded to place me in handcuffs . I was totally freaking out . I was hysterically crying not knowing what was going on . I told Michael to go home and call our friend Carrie and ask her to sit with the kids so that he could meet me up at the jail . Then he put me in his police car . I can remember screaming because the handcuffs were so tight and hurt so bad . ( I know have handcuff marks and bruises on my wrists thanks to the VA state police dept . He never did loosen them and I stayed in them for a good 40 min . ) The next thing I know they are asking Michael for his license and putting him in handcuffs . They placed him in another police car and that cop took him strait to jail . My cop had to wait until the tow truck drivers came to move our cars from the road . While we were sitting there he asked me who 's car I took ? I was crying and asked what he was talking about . He said the warrant that was out for both of us was unlawful use of a vehicle , basically car theft only a little bit lighter of a charge . What ? ! ? Yeah . . . . . I 'm gonna steal a car . . . . . . Then it hit me . . . . Penske ! When we moved out to Lexington back in July we had a bad windstorm hit the weekend we moved . It knocked out power for days in Lynchburg where we moved from . It was over 100 degrees the whole time the power was out and because of this we had to keep the truck a little longer . With the kids ( Blake was only 2 months old ) we honestly were not able to do a whole lot of anything when it came to loading / unloading the truck during the day because it was just too hot . Blake and the other kids were not doing well in the heat and we would have to go anywhere around town that did have power and walk around so we were out of the heat during the day . Then at night we loaded / unloaded the truck . Well , apparently they reported the truck stolen . We got to the jail and I was balling my eyes out . I was so scared . I asked the officer to please call my friend ( since Michael never got to ) and he asked her to go sit with my kids because I had no clue how long we were going to be there . I sat waiting outside the office in the handcuffs that were causing me so much pain and cutting off circulation in my hands waiting for what was next . The officer told me that Michael had been put back in a holding cell . They never did put me in a holding cell , they just had me sit there . They were busy faxing paperwork and getting a magistrate who would see both of us via video from who knows where . While waiting for him the officer brings me out a paper telling me that he is notifying me that my license was suspended ( He said most likely because of the warrant ) and I was going to get a ticket for driving with a suspended license . . . . . Lovely , I was trying to stay positive and think that my bad luck streak had to be over and Mr . Cop was quick to burst that happy bubble for me . . . . . . . . He took me into the room where the video magistrate thing was going to take place and FINALLY took off my handcuffs . When he did , I saw his face go white . I guess he must have thought I was exaggerating when I said the cuffs hurt and when he took them off he realized that I was serious . My wrists were the darkest pink / red ever and I had indentations all over my wrists . It looked like they were still on even when they were off . Anyways , I sat there waiting and Michael 's holding cell was across from the room where this was going on and I could see him looking at me through the little window in the door and my heart was just breaking . He would put his hand up to the glass and I saw him blow me a kiss . I know he was so worried about me because I was so scared . Finally , the magistrate came on via video and I talked with him and they gave me a unsecured bond of $ 1000 . Meaning , that I didn 't have to pay anything and they were going to release me home , but if I don 't show up to court then there is a $ 1000 bond out on me . Michael went in after me and the magistrate told him he had a secured bond in the amount of $ 2000 . Meaning , we have to pay $ 2000 to get him out or he sits in jail until our court date . Michael was young and stupid back in the day ( long before we were married ) and didn 't have a clean record like I did so that is why our bonds were different . My friend Carrie went by and got my groceries out of our car at the tow truck place then came to pick me up from the jail . Michael is currently still in jail until I can get down there today with some money . I am home now , but still very shaken up over this . I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep . I am so thankful for friends and family who have stepped up and helped out during this whole mess ! ! We go to court in about a week and I am praying that this whole thing is just a huge misunderstanding and that it gets dropped . Not sure what in the world is going to happen with the car yet or how we are going to get around , but what I do know is that what Satan intends for evil God can use for good ! I am praying and trusting that God is in control of this whole situation and that He is going to handle it for us . I know that His hand was on us when we were in the accident and I know it is today also ! ! ! Living With CancerYou know the old saying about children needing an entire village to help raise them ? This is so true . I learned this myself after my daughter was born . It was 2005 and it was a good year , at least to start with . On August 4 , 2005 , our sweet Lily entered the world . My husband 's family , my family , and all of our friends surrounded us with love and support when Lily arrived . Life was good . However , it wasn 't so good when I had to go back to work and began feeling ill . At first , I thought it might have just been new mom stuff , but eventually I knew that the exhaustion , fatigue , lack of energy , and breathlessness that I was experiencing was something else . Three and a half months after giving birth , on November 21 , 2005 , I was diagnosed with mesothelioma , a type of cancer caused by asbestos exposure , which I 'd unknowingly had as a child . My doctor told me that without treatment I 'd live for about 15 months . I knew that was not an option , and as any mother would , I did what I had to do to keep myself alive and be there to raise Lily . What I had to do included flying to Boston . This is where we would meet Dr . David Sugarbaker , one of the best mesothelioma doctors in the country . In February , he performed my extrapleural pneumonectomy surgery , which included the removal of my left lung . I spent nearly three weeks recovering . That was followed by two months of recovery time and then chemo and radiation as well . During my time in Boston , I met other people who were going through the same things that I was . These amazing people became my friends , and they helped me get through each and every day . While I was in Boston , my daughter lived with my parents in South Dakota , in my childhood home . Since my parents worked full time , they had their own little village . They were surrounded by love and support and encouragement from the people who they go to church with . Kids I babysat as a teen were all grown up with their own families , and they even volunteered to watch Lily during the day when my parents wereHeather , her husband and Lily * * * * * Cancer is such a horrible thing to go through . Not only did I have to deal with my mother dying of cancer , but my grandmother has survived breast and stomach cancer and my grandfather has survived prostate and throat cancer . If there are precautions that we can take to not get it , then do it . I know how much it sucks to not have a mother around and I know that none of you want that for your children ! ! * * * * * Posted by My mama There are some of you who have not known me for very long or only know me through this blog so I am sharing this with you today . My mom passed away a month after I graduated high school . She had been sick with cancer for almost two years before she died and this is my story through those two long years . During my junior year of high school my mother developed a really bad cough . At first she thought it was just a cold , but it didn 't go away and continued to get worse . She finally decided to go to the Dr and get it checked out . After different scans it was found that my mother had lung cancer . She had been a bartender for many years and this was most likely the result of all those years working around the smoke . She started chemo and it seemed to work good . She never really got sick like a lot of people do on chemo . She was really weak and tired for a few days after her treatments , but was her normal spunky self . Her hair fell out and we eventually just shaved all of her hair off . After the treatments she was rescanned and everything was clear . The cancer was gone . Now onto my year of hell , my senior year of high school . It all started in September / October of 1998 . ( I honestly think it was Oct , but maybe as early as Sept I don 't remember the day , but I remember EVERY detail of this night as if it was this morning ) One night I came home after going out with my boyfriend , the house was dark except for the kitchen light that was left on for me . I went in my room and went to bed because no one was up . Not too long after going to sleep my bedroom door opens and all I hear is " No , Leslie is in her bed . She is here ! It is Joyce she isn 't here " I got out of bed to find out what in the world was going on . I go out to the living room and there was a police officer at our house . He said that they picked up a lady walking down the side of the road with only one shoe on . The only thing she kept saying to them was my name . So they picked her up and brought her back to the police station . My grandfather and I left to go pick up my mother from the police station and my grandmother stayed at home . I can remember being terrified out of my mind ! I didn 't know what was going on or what had happened to her . We got to the station ( by now it is about 3 something in the morning ) and she was just sitting in a chair waiting for us to get her . After we got there the police told us that they had received a call from a bar owner . As he was leaving he saw a car in the parking lot still running with the lights on but there was no one in it and there was a lady walking down the side of the street so he called the police . They figured that she was drunk . Earlier that evening my mom had gone over to my aunts house to make Christmas ornaments and she left my aunts house at 10 something to come home . ( which btw was only about 5 miles from where we lived ) But something happened and she ended up at Bonita Beach Rd ( which is a good 25 miles from our house ) We had no clue what was going on . My mom was very confused . The police said they couldn 't get her to say anything except for my name . We took her back home anMy mother seemed to be getting better after the treatments . On my 18th bday in November we went up to Orlando for a couple of days . She was living life just as she always had . A scan after her last treatment showed that all of the tumors were gone ! It was a miracle to me . She had gone from Dr 's saying that she wouldn 't make it 6 months to being tumor free . In the meantime I had applied to college , I was working at Sweet Tomatoes , and playing Varsity softball . In Jan of 1999 I got my acceptance letter to USF . She was so happy ! Her dream was to see me graduate and go to college . She had gotten pregnant and had my brother at the age of 16 so she never finished school . She was so much more excited than I was . In Feb we went to check out the school and go to orientation . While we were at orientation that weekend my mother was having trouble walking around . It was hard for her to climb the stairs . She just couldn 't seem to lift her leg high enough . I helped her around that weekend and when we got back home she called the Dr and they scheduled another CT scan . The scan showed that the tumors had returned but this time in her back . One of them was pushing on her nerve and that is why she was having so many problems getting around . The oncologist told us then that the type of cancer that she had was just going to keep spreading through out her body . It was aggressive and just kept popping up in other places . They once again started her on radiation treatments . I really was fortunate that it didn 't affect her much . We went shopping and she bought me ever thing that I was going to need to take to college the next year and acted as she normally did . She was always so strong and didn 't let this cancer get her down much . Well , after those couple of weeks things took a turn and got bad quick . Because of the tumor in her back she would sit a lot because it was so hard to walk . Well , she started to have a lot of pain in her butt and as it turned out she had bed sores from sitting all of the time . We had to get Hope Hospice help after that . We got a hospital bed so she could lay down and relieve the pressure and hopefully the sores would heal . They had a nurse that came over everyday to check on her and change her dressings . It was very difficult and painful for her to get out of bed all of the time so someone would always have to help her in and out of bed , in and out of the car , in and out of the shower , toilet , dinner table , pretty much everything ! I didn 't really like having the nurse come over everyday and I asked if she could show me how to take care of the dressings and things with my mom so she didn 't have to come everyday . They agreed and showed me what to do . After that they only came by 3 times a week to check up on her . During this time I quit my job , and playing softball so I could be around more . I was also able to drop my first class of the day in school so I could come in later so I could be there with her in the mornings . When I was at school my dad would help her around the house or take her to her Dr apt if I couldn 't take her . Well , one day when he was helping her out of the car he accidentally dropped her and that terrified her . After that she was very scared to get around . I would literally have to put my arms around her and use my legs to help her up and out of the bed and into her wheelchair . Then do the same thing in the car , chairs , toilet , etc . It got to where she wouldn 't let anyone do it but me . Then June came . My graduation day : ) There was NOTHING that was going to keep my mom from going to my graduation . She let my dad get her dressed and in and out of the car to go to my graduation . This was the happiest I have ever seen her . She was SO proud of me ! I graduated and we went back home and celebrated , ate cake and took pictures . After this day things started turning for the worse . As time went on she got weaker , she didn 't want to eat , because she didn 't want to get out of bed . She decided that she wanted the nurse to put in a catheter so she wouldn 't have to get up as much . She would only eat egg drop soup . Either my dad or myself would go to the Chinese place everyday and get her some and that is what she lived off of . By now the tumors had returned to her brain and she was confused a lot of the time . She would tell me everyday how we needed to go and buy stuff for me to go off to college and other things we had already done . It was so hard to see her like that . She could remember thing from a long time ago , but things that were in recent memories she would usually forget . She still never lost her good attitude . I do although remember her asking me many times to let her go live in the hospice center , because she didn 't want me to have to take care of her , but I couldn 't do that ! We went for another CT scan and discovered that the cancer had spread like crazy . It was in her brain , her lungs , her back , and her kidneys ( or liver something like that ) So we decided to stop the chemo and radiation treatments . They were not helping and it was just too difficult to get her in and out of the house as many times as she needed to go . Over the next month she stayed the same . Never sick , never complained . We celebrated her 52nd birthday in June . In the beginning of July most of my family had come to see her . All of her brothers and sisters and a few cousins , and nieces . She enjoyed seeing them and spending time with everyone around . People came and went for about 2 weeks in the beginning of July . Then one night when we were making dinner my mom said she wanted to sit at the table and eat dinner with us . This was very strange , as I said earlier she didn 't eat real food anymore . I helped her out of bed and put her in her wheelchair and we all sat at the table and ate chicken and mashed potatoes . Two days later my world came crashing down all around me . My mom was saying how much her stomach hurt . I called the hospice nurse and she came over to check on her . She wasn 't sure what was going on and gave her some meds to help her feel better . She also gave us a pamphlet about stages of death and how to tell when the time was getting close . As the day went on she kept getting worse , the nurse came back and checked on her again . She was able to conclude that the reason my mom was in so much pain was because her body was shutting down and releasing toxins into her body that were causing her so much pain . They told me that I had to go over and tell her that it was ok to go and that she was hanging on because of me . I balled my eyes out and told them that I could not tell my mom that it was ok to die . They all stood around her and told her it was ok to leave and that I would be ok . She kept hanging on . Her breathing was getting shallow and hard for her . They again told me to tell her she could go . Finally , I held on to her hand and kissed her and told her that she could go and that I was going to be alright and that I loved her so much . I don 't know the exact length of time after that happened that she died ( it seemed like an eternity , but was probably only like 30 seconds later ) I didn 't know what to do . I had to call the nurse and tell her , my step dad , and my boyfriend . I can remember calling my dad and telling him to hurry up and come over because I think my mom just died . The nurse came over and confirmed she was dead and ordered for someone to come and get her . The people came and asked all of us to go into our rooms so that they could put her body in a bag and take her away . My boyfriend stayed with me all night as I cried and cried . I looked through pictures and watched videos . My heart had never felt so much pain before in my life , I was dead inside . This year of my life was the hardest I have ever had to endure . I wouldn 't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy . I know a lot of you are going through your own hard times . I really hope that sharing my story with you will help you in some way . It wasn 't easy , but I know I am who I am today for what I went through . I honestly was only a kid when my mom died and was forced to grow up . I wish more than anything that my mom was still here and could have seen any of my wonderful kids , but I know what God is able to use my pain to help reach out to others . There are hard days every once in a while , but time does heal . I also want those of you who are going through some of these things to know that you will get through this . There were so many hard days that I didn 't think I was going to make it through , but I did ! And so will you ! For those of you reading this who were friends with me in HS I doubt you knew all of this because I did pretty much keep it to myself , but now you know why I was so " distant " as I was told . This isn 't something I talk about often because the pain is still there of seeing my mom suffer , but if I am able to give hope to anyone then sharing my story is worth it . I try to live my life to the fullest because I don 't know what tomorrow holds . I try not to re - live this experience very much . I do think of my mom , but I think of the good times . I know of a few people who really let themselves get depressed over the loss of a loved one ( I am talking about years later , not right after it happens ) to where it affects their life now . I have 6 kids and a husband who love and need me everyday ! I can 't live in the past of I wish . . . . . . . My mom is gone and all I have now is what is in front of me and I CHOOSE to be happy and focus on those who need me : ) One thing I go through like crazy in this house is window cleaner ! ! 6 kids = 12 hand prints on my windows , doors , mirrors and fish tank ! I go through this stuff like it is water ! About a year ago a friend of mine introduced me to DIY cleaning products . I decided to ask her about recipes for window cleaner . She gave me one that I love ! ! ! I LOVE this stuff ! ! ! I use it all of the time and I have NEVER bought store cleaner again after trying this recipe . It cleans good and it doesn 't leave streaks . Best part ? ? It is CHEAP to make and it doesn 't contain strong chemicals . * * I clean my windows with paper towels . I know some people say to wash them with newspaper because it works better , but I really don 't like the feeling of newspaper on my hands . The paper towels work just fine : ) * My family LOVES my hamburgers : ) It is rare that anyone in my family orders a hamburger from a restaurant when we go out to to eat . They say that the restaurant doesn 't compare to mine : ) What an awesome compliment ! Get a stick of butter and cut slices to put on the bread . * If you want your bread nice and golden this is the trick . . . . . do not spread butter onto the bread . Use the butter slices and place bread onto your skillet , butter side down . I had a dear friend of mine tell me the other day that she was surprised to see that our family is doing Elf on the Shelf . She didn 't see us as Elf on the shelf people . I guess she is right . We don 't do anything in this house that has to do with Santa , so why would we do Elf on the Shelf ? ! ? ! ? * For any of you who might not know what Elf on the Shelf is let me explain it to you . There is a story book that comes along with the Elf and it explains that the Elf is magical . You name him / her and they become part of your family . Then every night he / she flies back to the North Pole to report back to Santa and tell him if you are being naughty or nice . Then he / she flies back and reappears in a new location the next morning to watch over everyone again . Well , about a month ago I was on Pinterest and I saw a pin about a lady who was incorporating Jesus into her Elf on the Shelf . This drew my attention and I clicked on it and read her blog . I really liked her reasoning behind it . Basically , the Elf gets into mischief at night and " sins " and it is our job to show grace and forgiveness to the Elf just as Jesus forgives us daily . Now , this I can work with . I figured that the kids would have a lot of fun with this and I can use it to continue to teach them their life lessons on grace and forgiveness : ) Win - Win scenario . So far the kids are having a lot of fun with it . They wake up in the morning and the first thing that they do is find our elf Joy : ) Even when she makes a mess they still have fun with it : ) She helped decorate We do not do a bunch of Christmas presents on Christmas morning . My children do not believe in Santa and are not expecting him to bring them a million toys . Actually , we do not buy them any presents on Christmas . They will get something from their grandparents , but we don 't buy them big gifts . We will fill their Christmas stockings with candy and little stuff , but that is it . Christmas is NOT about gifts . In my opinion our culture is way to materialistic . People tend to only care about themselves and what they are going to get . Black Friday has turned into knocking people down ( and in some places even shootings have occurred ) because people want to buy something on sale . Some people feel that their kids need to have 50 + presents to open on Christmas morning . It is absurd . Our kids do NOT need a million toys . They break , I get annoyed with picking them up , and more importantly they don 't NEED them . We started this tradition a couple of years back . We decided that instead of buying our kids gift for Christmas we were going to spend Christmas focused on what Christmas is actually is about ! We spend the month of December focused on Christ , our friends / family and others in our community . Everyday leading up to Christmas we pick a different activity that has a Christmas type of theme . We do something fun together as a family , a craft or something for others in our community . I LOVE CHRISTMAS ! ! ! ! Just in case there may still be someone out there unaware of that little fact ! This year we actually have a big house and I want to make sure it shows off my love for the Christmas season ! ! It is all well and fine that I want to have a beautifully decorated house , but our budget doesn 't seem to think that is a good idea . . . . . Sooooo . . . . . off to the Dollar Tree I went : ) The budget was in agreement that I could make a trip there . I went into our yard and found some old branches and spray painted them white . ( I actually bought spray paint at Wal - mart for 97 cents . The vase came from Goodwill for 55 cents ) I added ornaments from the Dollar Tree and . . . . Ta da . . . . . I love it , it 's simple but it looks good . I also made this using frames , ribbon , scrap booking paper and a bow . I am really happy with how it is shaping up ! ! I spent under $ 30 at the Dollar Tree and I still have lots of stuff left to figure out what to do with : ) Here are some pictures of it all flowing together . |
I 'm sure by now , the police will have completed their investigation , although I am surprised they have not come to interview me about the incident . Perhaps you will direct them to me before the case goes cold . Confession , as they say , is good for the soul , and my soul can use all the help it can get . As you may remember , the weather yesterday was unseasonably warm . When I entered your store at approximately 11 : 00 am yesterday , I noted that the floor was quite slippery from melting snow . Being ever vigilant to circumstances which may cause injury , I carefully skirted the danger , and proceeded with my wheeled cart ( which I had brought from home ) toward the produce section . Unfortunately , as I edged around the hazardous puddle , the strap from my handbag caught on an inconveniently located display of tinned tomatoes . Before you get ahead of me , I am aware that this is not a crime , however I was somewhat discomfited , especially when your stock boy , Ned , I believe is his name ( by the way , is he your son ? He 's a very handsome lad ! Or was , before the black eye ) came hurrying over to ensure my safety . Please commend Ned on his quick action . Obviously , there was no way to deny it was I who had caused the tomato avalanche , so I tried my best to help him clean up the mess . You should know that the lad was extremely kind , especially after I dropped the third tin , thankfully missing his foot this time , and it burst open on the floor . He simply encouraged me to continue my shopping . Such excellent customer service ! ( If I might suggest a change to your store employees ' dress code , perhaps shoes with good traction should be encouraged . I 'm a big believer in practical footwear . ) Unfortunately , when Ned went off to get a mop to clean up the mess , those shiny black uniform shoes of his failed him , and he slipped on a squashed tomato . In any case , I simply marvelled at how fortunate it was that the boy was not hurt as canteloupes rained down around us . I 'm sure he would have been fine , too , if it weren 't for the one errant melon that landed directly on his , well , melon . It was a nasty thump . Good thing it seems he can spare the brain cells . I am sure the shiner will fade in a few days . By this point , you will understand how flustered I was . My shopping list had completely fled my mind , and I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to take my leave , lest I succumb to a fate too similar to Ned 's . I carefully picked my way around what , under other circumstances might be a delightful summer salad ( tomatoes and cantaloupes go together as well as peanut butter and bologna , wouldn 't you agree ? ) , and went home to rest and recover from the dramatic events . It was here that I discovered my crime . In the bottom of my little shopping cart , I found a canteloupe . I have no idea how it managed to escape the fruit storm unscathed , but it was nestled safely in the bottom of my basket . You must understand how embarassing it was to discover this melon felony , inadvertent though I assure you it was ! All day I worried , and all night , I lay awake , wracked with guilt , waiting for the police to knock on my door . I even considered eating the evidence of my transgression . However , I am certain that illicit fruit would only be bitter and indigestible ( oh , if only Eve had realized that in the Garden of Eden ! ) and the rind would linger in my compost bin easily long enough to provide the police with ample evidence . So I did not . I assure you , Mr . Smith , in all my years , I have never stolen anything . The guilt is eating me alive ! I would like to rectify the situation by returning the contraband canteloupe . Please accept it as enclosed , perhaps slightly worse for wear , but at last back in its rightful place . Dave adored women . He liked their company far better than he liked the company of men . He reflected on this often , noting with interest each time he checked in on his motivations that his interest in women was not ( always ) sexual or even romantic . More so it was pure preference . He liked how they talked , moved , thought . Smelled . Young or old , it didn 't matter . He just loved women . It was part of the reason he got along well with Violet . She had gender going for her , along with an interesting , feisty streak that kept him laughing . For whatever reason they had been brought together , he enjoyed every minute . Much of his free time was spent with Violet these days , but when she was occupied with her not inconsiderable social life , Dave divided the vast majority of his time between work and the gym . He freely acknowledged that the majority of his motivation for maintaining his impressive level of fitness was to score points with the ladies , but it had its benefits in other ways too . It was nice to be able to escort a drunk and boisterous asshole out of the bar without breaking a sweat , or to move Violet 's piano for her so she could vacuum underneath it . But mostly , his buff physique set the stage for many a friendship , short - lived though they tended to be with women . Although he rarely turned down the side benefits , sex was never his main motivation , and any woman that only wanted to enjoy his spectacular body never remained interested for long , especially when she realized he was not just interested in her , but in any woman . Most had trouble getting past that . And his love of women was not limited to human women either . Cars and boats held significant appeal , and he always had a soft spot for the hot aliens on Star Trek . But as far as humans were concerned , he could count on one hand the number of women he had not found attractive in some way or other . The only place , besides the bar where he worked and the gym , where Dave spent any significant time was the Humane Society . He had been doing it since he was fourteen , when his mother caught him smoking behind the school with his buddies one weekend . She declared then and there , right in front of his friends , that he would be busy the rest of the summer . She marched him down to an old folks ' home and signed him up to call Bingo . She dropped him there every Saturday afternoon for months , and once he got over the embarrassment of being caught out in front of his friends , he had a whale of a time entertaining the old ladies with extravagant compliments and amateur magic tricks . One day , a Humane Society volunteer brought a boisterous puppy to visit the nursing home . When he saw how much pleasure it brought the residents , he went down there and volunteered . While they wouldn 't let a fourteen - year - old take a dog out to a nursing home , they did let him clean out kennels and pet cats . He loved it , even more than his time at the nursing home . Even back then , it was always the female animals he gravitated toward . He got along with them the best . Dogs were his favourite . Even now , in his mid - twenties , Dave still made time to go once a week . He worked it into his exercise routine , choosing the dogs with the highest energy and taking them for long runs around the city . They all came back happily exhausted . The Humane Society ladies loved him , because his dogs were always too sated to misbehave . They rarely stayed at the shelter long . Dave had the touch - his girls were always adopted quickly . The ladies ' theory was that he had some kind of come - to - Jesus talk and put the fear of God into the dogs when they were out on their runs . Dave just figured it was about time that some human showed these animals how it could be , if they chose the right home . He 'd made many friends at the Humane Society , none of which crossed over with his bar - and - gym crowd . In fact , he took some pains to keep his volunteering quiet at work , not entirely sure what kind of razzing he 'd be forced to endure if the boys ever got wind of his soft spot for an entirely different kind of bitch ( which was also why he kept his preference for romantic comedies a secret - the flawed - yet - desirable heroine got him every time . Reason number 347 that it was better to spend time with women than men . Women didn 't disparage one 's choice in pastimes or movies ) . The car had been in the parking lot of Dave 's bar on any number of Sunday mornings . It belonged to one of the regulars , a lazy slacker named Ivan . They 'd gone to high school together , but that was where their similarities ended . Ivan was headed toward a permanent spot in the trailer park , his beer gut leading the way . He 'd never had a job for more than a few months at a time , and he usually paid his bar tab with the change he scraped out of the console in his car . He had recently managed to get a girl pregnant and , to the boys ' suprise , agreed to move out of his mom 's place and in with her . Dave suspected that it would be short - lived , once she realized that a guy who wears the same threadbare underwear for a week at a time ( he didn 't wear a belt either , which was how Dave had come to recognize the frayed Fruit of the Loom waistband ) was not likely fatherhood material . Besides , he was almost sure that she was not the last girl Ivan had taken back to the room in his mom 's basement where he still spent many nights . He heard Ivan 's voice as he approached the desk , and ducked behind a wall . It wasn 't so much that he didn 't want Ivan to see him , but the tone in Ivan 's voice was one that Dave was completely unprepared to acknowledge . The man sounded miserable , a fact which was being studiously ignored by Gail , the woman assigned to intake . Gail was a middle - aged woman who looked like she 'd seen hard times . She 'd worked intake for years , and had just about heard it all . It was a crappy job , which by necessity quickly muted any sense of empathy that the staff might have . Some of the sob stories people came in with when they wanted to surrender an animal were pretty creative , if not patently false , and the resulting despair for humanity caused the staff to find ways to make it as difficult as possible . Anyone hoping for sympathy left sorely disappointed . The prevailing opinion among intake staff was that the people could fend for their own mental health . The only therapy Gail dispensed was for the animals . " No , " he replied . " I just can 't have it in my apartment . She told me she 'd drown it in the creek if I didn 't take it . " Since to Dave 's knowledge , Ivan had never had an apartment , he guessed that Ivan 's mom had refused to let the creature in the house . He wasn 't sure if Ivan was referring to his mother or the girlfriend , but would not be surprised to hear that either had threatened to kill the cat ; from what he remembered , both were pretty much a class - A bitches ( two of the few women about whom Dave could find few redeeming features ) . But even if it was the girlfriend , Ivan 's apparent misery at the " ex " part of his description was a bit of a surprise . Or was it over the cat ? It was hard to tell from the sound of his voice . Dave peeked around the corner as Gail finished up the paperwork and made Ivan sign over the cat . He watched Ivan push himself away from the counter and walk toward the door , pausing a moment to say goodbye to the cat . Dave saw abject regret painted all over Ivan 's face as he crouched down and poked a finger into the cage to scratch the poor thing 's ears . With a jolt , Dave saw Ivan wipe a tear away as he hurried off without looking at anyone else . It was a shock , to be sure . Dave had never seen the side of Ivan that would grieve over either a woman or a pet . Dave had done both , but had not seen it coming from Ivan , whom he 'd always considered little more than a waste of space . He was truly taken aback . As soon as Ivan 's car had left the parking lot , Dave went over to the cat . It was wary , with reason , but within a few seconds was rubbing its head against Dave 's outstretched fingers , and even purring a little . It was a pretty cat , black and white with nearly perfect symmetrical markings on its face and back . " Hey , buddy , " he murmured . It was all he could say . Ivan 's stricken face kept coming to mind , and Dave was surprised to find himself choking up a little . " I don 't know what we 're going to do with this one , " she said . Despite her cool demeanor with those surrendering animals ( irrespective of their reasons , legitimate or otherwise ) , she was genuinely fond of the creatures that came in . Like Dave with women , there were few irredeemable animals , according to Gail . " What will happen to him ? " Dave asked . He wasn 't sure if he was asking Gail about the cat , or a rhetorical question about Ivan . " It 's a ' she ' , according to the guy who brought her in , " Gail said in her gravelly smoker 's voice . " She 'll get checked by the vet , and head for Adoptions if everything 's ok . She 's a little older , though , so it 'll be tough to place her . And he wouldn 't sign the form saying he 'd take her back if she was slated to be euthanized . " Dave let the thought linger a moment . The instant she 'd mentioned the cat was a female , Dave felt a familiar connection , the one that led him to befriend nearly anyone with two X chromosomes . He heard himself speak before his mind fully processed the implications of his words . Gail looked quickly at him . They 'd always remarked on how unattached Dave was to the animals to whom he showed such affection . He 'd never indicated wanting to keep one before . And truth be told , Dave had never even entertained the thought of taking one home . Especially not a cat . Gail shrugged . " Come back tomorrow . I 'll get her checked by the vet and we can do the paperwork in the morning . " Her face clearly said she never expected to see Dave again . Dave nodded and said his goodbyes to Gail and the cat . He stopped on the way home and bought a litter box and all the fixings . He spent a disproportionate amount of time choosing the cat 's first homecoming meal . Who knew there were so many kinds of cat food ? Finally , when he was nearly late for work , he settled on an expensive can of some sort of tuna - based cat gruel . It sounded horrible but a pretty girl shopping in the same aisle assured him that cats loved it . All evening , all through his shift at the bar , through a few hours of fitful sleep , he kept expecting to come to his senses . He considered who would look after her when he wanted to travel . He thought about the expensive furniture in his apartment that was currently free of claw marks . He even acknowledged the possibility that his roommate might not agree with his decision . He fully expected to wake in the morning with the clarity of a new day , understanding the ridiculousness of his offhand comment to Gail , and be forced to retract his offer . But his resolve was only stronger in the light of day . None of the reasonable objections to the idea seemed to hold any water when he thought of the sweet little furry face that was waiting for him in a cold steel cage . Dave shook his head . He was pretty sure the old bastard would say no , but Dave had no intention of ever letting him know about the cat , and besides , he had a sense that if he passed up this cat , she would never see the inside of another house . Dave made a quick decision . It was unfair , he knew , but years of loving women had taught him all the right moves to make when he wanted something . He rarely used his powers for personal gain , but this didn 't feel self - serving at all . It was for the cat , he told himself . It was her only chance . " Okay , " she said . And that was it . Dave signed the papers , handed over the carrier , and Gail brought it back in a few minutes with Dave 's new cat . Dave was over one Saturday afternoon helping Violet clean up the yard . Or rather , Dave was raking up leaves while Violet supervised from the comfort of an Adirondack chair on the deck with a mug of tea in her hand and a blanket on her lap . Dave had insisted ; somehow he 'd gotten it into his head that she was fragile , so he refused to let her help with the yard work . He told her it was fun ( she didn 't believe him ) . She felt guilty , though , and considered it the least she could do to keep him company . And even though he was not doing it exactly as she would have , she was grateful for his help and proud of her self - restraint in not directing him too much . It was a beautiful autumn day . The air was a little chillier than it had been the last few weeks , but the sun was brilliant and there was no wind . Dave leaned his rake against the fence and stuffed another orange garbage bag full of leaves before tying it up and hauling it over to join the dozen others at the side of the house . He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm , ambled over to the deck where Violet sat , and cracked one of the beers she had brought out . He threw his work gloves on the table and dumped the contents of his jeans pockets next to them . Three colourful bouncy balls rolled across the table and dropped to the deck , bouncing happily to the edge and disappearing into the grass . He reached down and fished a ball out of the lawn . " Yeah . A couple of the guys got about four thousand of these and filled up my locker with them . When I opened it , balls went everywhere . " " Yeah , " he said . " I waited until they were all in the shower after the game , then slipped out and turned off all the hot water at the tank . They all squealed like little girls . " " Well , " Dave said , with a hangdog expression . " That wasn 't the end of it . I also flicked off the lights as I left . It was pitch dark in the locker room . Left a bunch of soapy , cold naked guys groping around for the taps . They were pretty mad . " He nodded . " You should have seen them . They were running around in the dark , looking for light switches and slipping on bouncy balls , it was beautiful . I just wish I 'd had a camera . " They chatted for a few more minutes before Dave decided it was time to get back to work . He gathered a few more bags of leaves and lined them all up at the curb . Just watching him , Violet found herself laughing quietly every time she imagined the state of that locker room after Dave had exacted his vengeance . Late that night , Violet woke to voices in the street out front of her house . She hauled herself out of bed and got to the window just in time to see three young men in hooded sweatshirts hooting and laughing as they ran down the street . Dave 's car was parked at the curb , as it usually was , but it looked strange in the unnatural orange light from the streetlight . Something about the texture just didn 't look right . But as far as she could tell , all four tires were still round , and the windows were intact . She shrugged and headed back to bed , seeing nothing worth calling the police over . Early the next morning , Violet went out to get the newspaper , and looked over at Dave 's car again . It was still sitting in the same spot and still looked , somehow , odd . Risking a chat with Gus , she picked her way carefully down the steps and across the lawn to get a closer look . It wasn 't until she was right next to it that she saw what the problem was . It was covered from stem to stern in what looked like Saran wrap . Under , over and all around , the car had been sealed shut with rolls and rolls of plastic ( The little hoodlums had left the boxes lying on Gus 's lawn . He 'd be thrilled about that , she thought , but left them there , figuring it might be fun to watch Gus go apoplectic when he saw them there . ) . She hurried back in the house to call Dave . She hated to wake him so early but this was important . Dave loved that car . He was going to be devastated when he heard it had been vandalized . She dialed his number quickly , her heart fluttering anxiously in her chest . Dave answered on the second ring . " Violet , is everything ok ? " he asked , his voice anxious , but coarse with sleep . She always found it disconcerting when he knew she was calling . It made her think he had some special powers , even though she knew it was just Call Display . The line clicked and was silent . Nervously , Violet replaced the receiver and hurried to her bedroom to put on some decent clothes . By the time she was changed and back outside , Dave was standing beside his car , shaking his head in disbelief . Dave was laughing so hard , it took him a full minute before he gathered enough control to reply . " My hockey team , " he stuttered between chuckles . " I guess they got me back . " Violet sat on her back deck and looked out over the creek . It was the warmest October day she could ever remember , over 85 if it was a degree . The geese puttered about in the water , chattering amongst themselves , and she wondered if they were confused by the temperature . She enjoyed being outside . The four walls of her little house grated on her after a few months of winter , so any time she got to spend outside felt like a gift . Today , she was especially grateful . Last Thanksgiving , she had been shut in from an unexpected dump of snow . Today , it could have been July , although the sun was at the wrong angle . She sat contentedly in the rocking chair on her back deck . The creek was tranquil , as if waiting for something . Across the way , she could see kids playing in the green space . It was so good to see them out there . There were three or four throwing a ball back and forth . She recognized them from the area . One had a grandmother that played bridge , and at least one of them was John and Lisa Graham 's son , Justin . It had been a long time since kids had played ball out there , and it brought Violet back to the days when the area was full of young families with little kids . That just wasn 't the case these days - although many of those families were still around , their kids certainly were not , and for the ones that did still have young ones , they spent all their time in organized sports or watching TV . No one ever just played baseball anymore . It made Violet despair for humanity sometimes . Violet watched as a child approached the group timidly . He carried a baseball bat and a glove and crept cautiously along the path behind her house , heading toward the field where the others were playing catch . He was a small boy with a dirty face and scruffy clothes , from a large family around the corner . Although Violet had no particular fondness for children , she found herself hoping the other kids would invite him to play . She remembered being the lonely child , the new family on the street . It had been an awful summer for her , and she supposed it would only be worse for kids nowadays . When he got there , he stood over to the side watching the friends . Eventually , one of the other kids took notice of the boy . She saw him , and then deliberately turned back to her friends . Violet couldn 't quite hear what they said , but there was suddenly a burst of nervous laughter from the group . The boy 's head and shoulders slumped as he turned away and started walking back toward home . Even from several houses away , Violet could see the hurt on the boy 's face . Her heart wrenched for him , and a surge of anger at the others rolled through her . She stood as he approached . The boy looked both alarmed and confused , startled by the presence of an old woman he hadn 't previously noticed . He seemed worried , like he thought Violet was asking if he wanted to play with her . Anger at the little bullies across the way eclipsed any potential humour in the situation for Violet . Violet didn 't know what to say . She had little experience with children , beyond having been one herself , but she could see this one was hurting . What to do ? She wondered . She considered going to give the little brats a piece of her mind , but dismissed the idea almost immediately as inadvisable . But his image , taunted and teased by the others , dragging his bat home behind him haunted Violet . Through supper and into the evening , she thought about that poor child and worried for him . She felt compelled to do something . But what ? After supper , Violet went for a walk . Darkness was falling fairly early these days , so she headed out immediately after the dishes were done . It was a peaceful time of day . Geese honked across the sky in perfect vees . The air was still remarkably warm , warm enough that she didn 't even need a sweater , and the faint smoke from forest fires made the sunset a spectacular splash of pinks and oranges in the west . She saw several people walking their dogs , including Trudy . An idea came to Violet . Trudy was probably the most influential person in the neighborhood . She was a chatter , which normally drove Violet crazy . The woman had some kind of witchy gift that made people talk to her . She was a retired schoolteacher who often babysat for people in the area . She was beloved by all , perhaps because she had either taught or looked after every child for miles around at one time or another . This was perfect . Trudy made a motion to move away . Violet could hardly blame her ; she had spent many hours actively discouraging Trudy from chatting . But this time , Violet needed Trudy 's help . " Yes , and all of them under ten years old ! " Trudy gushed . " Someone oughta tell those two where they 're all coming from ! " She guffawed in a rather irritating manner . All under ten . That told Violet that the poor little boy who had been laughed off the playground was younger than his tormentors by a year or two at least . Her anger flashed again . Violet flapped a hand dismissively . " Oh , I 'm not sure . Justin Graham , I think , and a couple of others . I don 't remember . " Violet pretended to gaze off down the street but out of the corner of her eye , she could see Trudy react . The Grahams were Trudy 's next door neighbours , and she knew a comment about one of them misbehaving would get her attention . Trudy told everyone they were like grandchildren to her . She had looked after the kids more than any others in the neighbourhood . She was obviously very fond of them , and it was a good thing , too . None were exactly delinquents , but any discipline the Graham kids had ever received was meted out by Trudy . She prided herself on those kids and the manners she had single - handedly instilled in them . Trudy would be mortified to learn one of her adopted grandchildren had been unkind . They made small talk for a few more minutes until Violet was able to extract herself . She had accomplished her task for the evening , and now it was time to go home . She escaped quicker than usual , hoping that Trudy was now anxious to detour past the Graham 's and speak to them about the incident with the Johnson boy . All day she waited , delighted that the weather was again providing record - breaking heat . She sat on her deck again most of the afternoon , soaking up the warmth while trying to read her book . At four o ' clock , just past the time schools were dismissed , she was gratified to see several kids come up the creek path and stop at the playground . They all dropped their backpacks and someone produced a baseball . Violet 's heart fell when she saw the scruffy little Johnson boy was not there . Whatever she had expected from her orchestrated conversation with Trudy had not materialized . She nearly had to blink back tears as she imagined the poor boy sitting at home , tossing a ball into his glove , as sad and alone as he had been the day before . No child deserved that , she thought . She considered baking cookies to take over as a gesture of apology for the solution she had not been able to negotiate . The girl from yesterday said something to the boy that made his smile falter . Damn , Violet thought . She readied herself to head over and give the girl a stern talking - to . But then she saw the Graham boy stand up a little straighter . " No , " he said . " Joey can stay . If you don 't like it , go home . " Oh , my , thought Violet . What a brave thing to do , standing up to a friend . Justin Graham , and Trudy , rose a few notches in Violet 's estimation . Good for him . The Johnson boy stood straighter too , and within a few minutes , was playing ball with the rest of them . The girl pouted a while , but stopped when she realized no one was paying attention , and was soon having fun too . Seeing the group playing ball in the green space was so much like old times that Violet suddenly felt about thirty years younger . Knowing she had helped make it happen was even better . She watched them play baseball until the light faded and their parents started calling them in one by one for dinner . Eventually , Justin Graham and Joey Johnson were the only ones left . They walked slowly along the path that went behind Violet 's house . She watched them from the shadows . Joey shrugged , a familiar gesture . Shock at Justin 's language showed briefly on his face , but he said nothing . Violet could see his posture was different than it had been yesterday , taller . In preparation for NaNoWriMo , I have entered a Post a Day blogging challenge . The idea is to write something for posting every day . I am going to split my postings between the two blogs . Today 's is fiction , inspired by a weird news story about a guy who was rescued 6 days after driving his car into a ravine . It was also written for a little contest on writing . com , which I have recently joined for inspiration , anonymous support and peer reviews . It had to be no more than 300 words and contain the words spin , fountain and bumblebee . Enjoy . I 'm driving too fast . Jane glares at me from the passenger seat . I beat her to the " we - need - some - time - apart " speech . It was a long time coming , but it 's the right thing . She wanted out as badly as I did , I 'm sure of it . I know I 'm pushing it hard when the wheels slip going round a curve . In an instant , I lose control and the rock face looms on the left , nicking the fender . We spin across the empty road and hit the guardrail . It folds back like tin foil . Before I can blink , we are over and airborne . I am thrown around violently as car bounces across the bottom of the ravine , a bumblebee in a field of wildflowers . Jane 's scream competes with the squeal of rending metal and breaking glass . The car rolls lazily a few times , and rocks to a stop on its wheels . Everything hurts and my body doesn 't work right , but I smell smoke , so I force myself out through the smashed window and fall to the ground . I see a fountain of gas running under the car . I look for Jane . She 's on the ground near the car , not moving . Her beautiful face is bloody . The ringing in my ears fades and I hear the crackle of fire . I drag her as far away as I can , metres . This is not how it was supposed to end . We were going to have some time apart , but it was just temporary . We were meant to be together . I hold her , terrified of her stillness . I am paralyzed with regrets . Since my recent Brush With Death , I have become quite reminiscent . Some might call it maudlin , but I have been enjoying my trip down memory lane quite a lot . I 'm sure you are feeling the same way right now . I was remembering how much time you used to spend at my house . We would stay up half the night playing cards and drinking coke and listening to the radio . My memories of those nights are so fond . It has been a while since we played , but think I am still ahead in the running gin rummy total . I must look for that little ledger book , I think it 's still around here somewhere . Do you recollect the time we went to the beach ? It was one of those nights where you slept over at my house so your father wouldn 't know when you got in . I remember the day you first met George . What a glorious day it was . If I recall correctly , the sun was hot and the water was refreshing and there were plenty of young men admiring us . Well , truth be told , they were admiring you , in that very risqué bathing suit . I never had the nerve to go out like that , but you pulled it off every time . I was so jealous of your sense of adventure ( and your bosoms ! ) . And the dance that night ! I was exhausted by midnight . I think there were only about a dozen of us left . You went down to the beach in George 's car after they shut the dance hall down and I went home . I almost waited outside for you so we would only have to open the door once because I didn 't know what Mother would think if she heard you come in after I did . But when I got there , I could hear her snoring from the porch . I was in bed when you finally got home , but I don 't think we even slept that night . You were over the moon . I had a feeling you two were in it for the long haul . I was so sorry to hear about his passing . One of the things I remember most from those days was The Rules of Appropriate and Inappropriate Behaviour . How many can you name ? A Lady never drinks hard liquor . A Lady never scratches in public . A Lady must never show more than an inch of knee . A Lady never goes anywhere without a hat and gloves . Now that I think of it , all those rules were meant to keep us from anything that was fun . You were so good at walking that line , though . You always managed to have as much fun as possible without getting yourself a Reputation . I was too afraid . I guess that 's why you ended up with seven lovely children and I nearly ended up a spinster accountant ! Anyway , it all worked out in the end . Frank was very good to me . Although I couldn 't have admitted it a year after he died , our time together , however short , was worth the wait . I hope you don 't mind this nostalgic little diversion , Alma . I 'm sure things are still very difficult for you . You should think about coming for a visit . It would be just like old times , only with canes and walkers and a lot more fibre . I 'll have a full deck of cards ready whenever you want . Violet 's walk took her past the playground . Since her recent near - death experience , she tried to get in a walk at least every other day . She figured this new habit would not last much into winter , but if it could buy her some time right now , she was up for it . Besides , it was another glorious morning , the sun far too hot for the autumnal angle of the shadows it cast , and the walking felt good . The children were finally back at school . There seemed to be fewer hooligans tearing around the neighbourhood , anyway . She noted with some relief that she would likely not need the mirror mounted on her walking stick ( she refused to call it a cane ) to warn her of hoodlums coming up from the rear on skateboards . The sky was curiously blue and utterly cloudless . It was warm , but pleasant in the shade of the huge elm that hung over the park bench . Children too young for school ran and played on the slides and bridges and rope ladders of the modern jungle gym , hollering joyfully as only children do . Every once in a while , a cry of indignation or pain would split the air , a child suffering hurt feelings or a skinned knee . They were invariable attended promptly and dutifully by a parent . As she settled onto the bench and marveled at the summery weather , she noticed something odd ( or was it interesting ? ) about the families at the park . There were no mothers . All the adults were men , fathers with one , two , even three preschoolers , down and digging in the dirt or capably hoisting kids in and out of the black rubber baby swings , all the while holding paper cups of takeout coffee and chatting companionably with each other . It was an entirely novel concept to Violet . Men of Violet 's generation would never have been caught dead at a playground with their children . Parenting was for women . In fact , there was no such thing as parenting . There was mothering and wait - till - your - father - gets - home . Violet racked her brain to remember a time she ever saw a man on his own with children . The idea was simply foreign . She watched with fascination as these men , dads , she supposed , interacted with the children . One pulled a tissue from his pocket and wiped the grimy nose of a very reluctant toddler before placing him expertly back in the sandbox . Another actually changed a diaper on the bench across from Violet 's . Still a third called out , " Joshua and Emily , five minutes ! " The responding grumble that came from to identically towheaded children in matching rain boots gave Violet the distinct impression that they had heard that line before . A handsome man in a button - down shirt and jeans bent down to examine something slimy held by a child of about three . The man bore none of the soft , harried and haggard look of many young mothers Violet had ever seen . He appeared fit and well - rested . He exclaimed with evident delight in the same tone she could imagine him using to describe a priceless French painting or a vintage wine , only somehow this sounded genuine . The child looked pleased with his father 's approval and moved to tuck the slimy thing into his pocket . They do laundry , too ? Violet wondered . When do these men work ? She made a note to ask Dave if he had friends who stayed at home with the children while their wives worked . Of course , their wives probably had to work to help the family keep up with the mortgage payments . Maybe that 's why these dads were so interested in their children . Living wasn 't cheap these days . It occurred to Violet that since it was Saturday , perhaps these fathers were on duty so that their wives could sleep in . As pleasant as the idea was , she had a sense that this was more than giving mom a break . These fathers were too knowledgeable about their children , too comfortable in their roles as parents to be pinch - hitting . She thought about Frank and what kind of father he would have been . Detached , she expected . A breadwinner , although Violet had always assumed she would find a way to continue working if they had been blessed enough to have had a child . Perhaps he would have been forced to be involved , she thought . Maybe he 'd even have been good at it . For every time she heard him decry the child pitching a fit in the grocery store ( " Spare the rod , spoil the child , " he 'd say under his breath ) , she could remember the delight he took in handing out Halloween candy or seeing the Christmas play at church . What a wonderful way to be raised , Violet thought . To have a relationship with a father that was not based on fear , or the power of absence . And what a gift for these fathers , to know and delight in their children in ways that previous generations never did . She had always thought she 'd have made an adequate mother . Seeing these men interact so comfortably with their kids and knowing that with Frank she would have done fine , a long - buried stirring awoke in Violet that made her pine for the babies she never had . Violet 's reverie was broken when the father of Emily and Joshua called out again . " Emily , Joshua , time to go ! " Five minutes had gone quickly . " No ! " the little girl squealed falling limp to the grass like a war protester . The little boy headed to a stroller over by the tree and began to climb in . Emily 's father deftly scooped her up under his arm and headed to another stroller , ignoring the piercing shrieks and tiny fists pummeling his kidneys . " No , Joshua , that 's Isabelle 's stroller . Ours is over here . " One arm was still cradling the screaming , floppy Emily even as the other hand flipped open an enormous chariot with two seats . He wrestled the outraged child into the front seat and fastened her seatbelt . She was nearly purple with the effort of resisting him . The father , however , had not broken a sweat . He picked Joshua up under the arms and plopped him behind her , then reached into the basket underneath the seats and pulled out two small cups with spouts and a Ziploc bag . He handed each child a cup and some crackers from the bag . Emily , evidently understanding that further protests would fall on deaf ears , snuffled her way to silence and sucked on her cup . As she watched them go , Violet noticed that the child 's inhuman howling had actually made her ears ring . The mild melancholy that begun to emanate from her barren womb lifted at the realization that there were many good things about childlessness . Yes , there were reasons she and Frank had not been given any . She smiled to herself , got up , and headed in the opposite direction . |
I 'm sure by now , the police will have completed their investigation , although I am surprised they have not come to interview me about the incident . Perhaps you will direct them to me before the case goes cold . Confession , as they say , is good for the soul , and my soul can use all the help it can get . As you may remember , the weather yesterday was unseasonably warm . When I entered your store at approximately 11 : 00 am yesterday , I noted that the floor was quite slippery from melting snow . Being ever vigilant to circumstances which may cause injury , I carefully skirted the danger , and proceeded with my wheeled cart ( which I had brought from home ) toward the produce section . Unfortunately , as I edged around the hazardous puddle , the strap from my handbag caught on an inconveniently located display of tinned tomatoes . Before you get ahead of me , I am aware that this is not a crime , however I was somewhat discomfited , especially when your stock boy , Ned , I believe is his name ( by the way , is he your son ? He 's a very handsome lad ! Or was , before the black eye ) came hurrying over to ensure my safety . Please commend Ned on his quick action . Obviously , there was no way to deny it was I who had caused the tomato avalanche , so I tried my best to help him clean up the mess . You should know that the lad was extremely kind , especially after I dropped the third tin , thankfully missing his foot this time , and it burst open on the floor . He simply encouraged me to continue my shopping . Such excellent customer service ! ( If I might suggest a change to your store employees ' dress code , perhaps shoes with good traction should be encouraged . I 'm a big believer in practical footwear . ) Unfortunately , when Ned went off to get a mop to clean up the mess , those shiny black uniform shoes of his failed him , and he slipped on a squashed tomato . In any case , I simply marvelled at how fortunate it was that the boy was not hurt as canteloupes rained down around us . I 'm sure he would have been fine , too , if it weren 't for the one errant melon that landed directly on his , well , melon . It was a nasty thump . Good thing it seems he can spare the brain cells . I am sure the shiner will fade in a few days . By this point , you will understand how flustered I was . My shopping list had completely fled my mind , and I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to take my leave , lest I succumb to a fate too similar to Ned 's . I carefully picked my way around what , under other circumstances might be a delightful summer salad ( tomatoes and cantaloupes go together as well as peanut butter and bologna , wouldn 't you agree ? ) , and went home to rest and recover from the dramatic events . It was here that I discovered my crime . In the bottom of my little shopping cart , I found a canteloupe . I have no idea how it managed to escape the fruit storm unscathed , but it was nestled safely in the bottom of my basket . You must understand how embarassing it was to discover this melon felony , inadvertent though I assure you it was ! All day I worried , and all night , I lay awake , wracked with guilt , waiting for the police to knock on my door . I even considered eating the evidence of my transgression . However , I am certain that illicit fruit would only be bitter and indigestible ( oh , if only Eve had realized that in the Garden of Eden ! ) and the rind would linger in my compost bin easily long enough to provide the police with ample evidence . So I did not . I assure you , Mr . Smith , in all my years , I have never stolen anything . The guilt is eating me alive ! I would like to rectify the situation by returning the contraband canteloupe . Please accept it as enclosed , perhaps slightly worse for wear , but at last back in its rightful place . Dave adored women . He liked their company far better than he liked the company of men . He reflected on this often , noting with interest each time he checked in on his motivations that his interest in women was not ( always ) sexual or even romantic . More so it was pure preference . He liked how they talked , moved , thought . Smelled . Young or old , it didn 't matter . He just loved women . It was part of the reason he got along well with Violet . She had gender going for her , along with an interesting , feisty streak that kept him laughing . For whatever reason they had been brought together , he enjoyed every minute . Much of his free time was spent with Violet these days , but when she was occupied with her not inconsiderable social life , Dave divided the vast majority of his time between work and the gym . He freely acknowledged that the majority of his motivation for maintaining his impressive level of fitness was to score points with the ladies , but it had its benefits in other ways too . It was nice to be able to escort a drunk and boisterous asshole out of the bar without breaking a sweat , or to move Violet 's piano for her so she could vacuum underneath it . But mostly , his buff physique set the stage for many a friendship , short - lived though they tended to be with women . Although he rarely turned down the side benefits , sex was never his main motivation , and any woman that only wanted to enjoy his spectacular body never remained interested for long , especially when she realized he was not just interested in her , but in any woman . Most had trouble getting past that . And his love of women was not limited to human women either . Cars and boats held significant appeal , and he always had a soft spot for the hot aliens on Star Trek . But as far as humans were concerned , he could count on one hand the number of women he had not found attractive in some way or other . The only place , besides the bar where he worked and the gym , where Dave spent any significant time was the Humane Society . He had been doing it since he was fourteen , when his mother caught him smoking behind the school with his buddies one weekend . She declared then and there , right in front of his friends , that he would be busy the rest of the summer . She marched him down to an old folks ' home and signed him up to call Bingo . She dropped him there every Saturday afternoon for months , and once he got over the embarrassment of being caught out in front of his friends , he had a whale of a time entertaining the old ladies with extravagant compliments and amateur magic tricks . One day , a Humane Society volunteer brought a boisterous puppy to visit the nursing home . When he saw how much pleasure it brought the residents , he went down there and volunteered . While they wouldn 't let a fourteen - year - old take a dog out to a nursing home , they did let him clean out kennels and pet cats . He loved it , even more than his time at the nursing home . Even back then , it was always the female animals he gravitated toward . He got along with them the best . Dogs were his favourite . Even now , in his mid - twenties , Dave still made time to go once a week . He worked it into his exercise routine , choosing the dogs with the highest energy and taking them for long runs around the city . They all came back happily exhausted . The Humane Society ladies loved him , because his dogs were always too sated to misbehave . They rarely stayed at the shelter long . Dave had the touch - his girls were always adopted quickly . The ladies ' theory was that he had some kind of come - to - Jesus talk and put the fear of God into the dogs when they were out on their runs . Dave just figured it was about time that some human showed these animals how it could be , if they chose the right home . He 'd made many friends at the Humane Society , none of which crossed over with his bar - and - gym crowd . In fact , he took some pains to keep his volunteering quiet at work , not entirely sure what kind of razzing he 'd be forced to endure if the boys ever got wind of his soft spot for an entirely different kind of bitch ( which was also why he kept his preference for romantic comedies a secret - the flawed - yet - desirable heroine got him every time . Reason number 347 that it was better to spend time with women than men . Women didn 't disparage one 's choice in pastimes or movies ) . The car had been in the parking lot of Dave 's bar on any number of Sunday mornings . It belonged to one of the regulars , a lazy slacker named Ivan . They 'd gone to high school together , but that was where their similarities ended . Ivan was headed toward a permanent spot in the trailer park , his beer gut leading the way . He 'd never had a job for more than a few months at a time , and he usually paid his bar tab with the change he scraped out of the console in his car . He had recently managed to get a girl pregnant and , to the boys ' suprise , agreed to move out of his mom 's place and in with her . Dave suspected that it would be short - lived , once she realized that a guy who wears the same threadbare underwear for a week at a time ( he didn 't wear a belt either , which was how Dave had come to recognize the frayed Fruit of the Loom waistband ) was not likely fatherhood material . Besides , he was almost sure that she was not the last girl Ivan had taken back to the room in his mom 's basement where he still spent many nights . He heard Ivan 's voice as he approached the desk , and ducked behind a wall . It wasn 't so much that he didn 't want Ivan to see him , but the tone in Ivan 's voice was one that Dave was completely unprepared to acknowledge . The man sounded miserable , a fact which was being studiously ignored by Gail , the woman assigned to intake . Gail was a middle - aged woman who looked like she 'd seen hard times . She 'd worked intake for years , and had just about heard it all . It was a crappy job , which by necessity quickly muted any sense of empathy that the staff might have . Some of the sob stories people came in with when they wanted to surrender an animal were pretty creative , if not patently false , and the resulting despair for humanity caused the staff to find ways to make it as difficult as possible . Anyone hoping for sympathy left sorely disappointed . The prevailing opinion among intake staff was that the people could fend for their own mental health . The only therapy Gail dispensed was for the animals . " No , " he replied . " I just can 't have it in my apartment . She told me she 'd drown it in the creek if I didn 't take it . " Since to Dave 's knowledge , Ivan had never had an apartment , he guessed that Ivan 's mom had refused to let the creature in the house . He wasn 't sure if Ivan was referring to his mother or the girlfriend , but would not be surprised to hear that either had threatened to kill the cat ; from what he remembered , both were pretty much a class - A bitches ( two of the few women about whom Dave could find few redeeming features ) . But even if it was the girlfriend , Ivan 's apparent misery at the " ex " part of his description was a bit of a surprise . Or was it over the cat ? It was hard to tell from the sound of his voice . Dave peeked around the corner as Gail finished up the paperwork and made Ivan sign over the cat . He watched Ivan push himself away from the counter and walk toward the door , pausing a moment to say goodbye to the cat . Dave saw abject regret painted all over Ivan 's face as he crouched down and poked a finger into the cage to scratch the poor thing 's ears . With a jolt , Dave saw Ivan wipe a tear away as he hurried off without looking at anyone else . It was a shock , to be sure . Dave had never seen the side of Ivan that would grieve over either a woman or a pet . Dave had done both , but had not seen it coming from Ivan , whom he 'd always considered little more than a waste of space . He was truly taken aback . As soon as Ivan 's car had left the parking lot , Dave went over to the cat . It was wary , with reason , but within a few seconds was rubbing its head against Dave 's outstretched fingers , and even purring a little . It was a pretty cat , black and white with nearly perfect symmetrical markings on its face and back . " Hey , buddy , " he murmured . It was all he could say . Ivan 's stricken face kept coming to mind , and Dave was surprised to find himself choking up a little . " I don 't know what we 're going to do with this one , " she said . Despite her cool demeanor with those surrendering animals ( irrespective of their reasons , legitimate or otherwise ) , she was genuinely fond of the creatures that came in . Like Dave with women , there were few irredeemable animals , according to Gail . " What will happen to him ? " Dave asked . He wasn 't sure if he was asking Gail about the cat , or a rhetorical question about Ivan . " It 's a ' she ' , according to the guy who brought her in , " Gail said in her gravelly smoker 's voice . " She 'll get checked by the vet , and head for Adoptions if everything 's ok . She 's a little older , though , so it 'll be tough to place her . And he wouldn 't sign the form saying he 'd take her back if she was slated to be euthanized . " Dave let the thought linger a moment . The instant she 'd mentioned the cat was a female , Dave felt a familiar connection , the one that led him to befriend nearly anyone with two X chromosomes . He heard himself speak before his mind fully processed the implications of his words . Gail looked quickly at him . They 'd always remarked on how unattached Dave was to the animals to whom he showed such affection . He 'd never indicated wanting to keep one before . And truth be told , Dave had never even entertained the thought of taking one home . Especially not a cat . Gail shrugged . " Come back tomorrow . I 'll get her checked by the vet and we can do the paperwork in the morning . " Her face clearly said she never expected to see Dave again . Dave nodded and said his goodbyes to Gail and the cat . He stopped on the way home and bought a litter box and all the fixings . He spent a disproportionate amount of time choosing the cat 's first homecoming meal . Who knew there were so many kinds of cat food ? Finally , when he was nearly late for work , he settled on an expensive can of some sort of tuna - based cat gruel . It sounded horrible but a pretty girl shopping in the same aisle assured him that cats loved it . All evening , all through his shift at the bar , through a few hours of fitful sleep , he kept expecting to come to his senses . He considered who would look after her when he wanted to travel . He thought about the expensive furniture in his apartment that was currently free of claw marks . He even acknowledged the possibility that his roommate might not agree with his decision . He fully expected to wake in the morning with the clarity of a new day , understanding the ridiculousness of his offhand comment to Gail , and be forced to retract his offer . But his resolve was only stronger in the light of day . None of the reasonable objections to the idea seemed to hold any water when he thought of the sweet little furry face that was waiting for him in a cold steel cage . Dave shook his head . He was pretty sure the old bastard would say no , but Dave had no intention of ever letting him know about the cat , and besides , he had a sense that if he passed up this cat , she would never see the inside of another house . Dave made a quick decision . It was unfair , he knew , but years of loving women had taught him all the right moves to make when he wanted something . He rarely used his powers for personal gain , but this didn 't feel self - serving at all . It was for the cat , he told himself . It was her only chance . " Okay , " she said . And that was it . Dave signed the papers , handed over the carrier , and Gail brought it back in a few minutes with Dave 's new cat . Dave was over one Saturday afternoon helping Violet clean up the yard . Or rather , Dave was raking up leaves while Violet supervised from the comfort of an Adirondack chair on the deck with a mug of tea in her hand and a blanket on her lap . Dave had insisted ; somehow he 'd gotten it into his head that she was fragile , so he refused to let her help with the yard work . He told her it was fun ( she didn 't believe him ) . She felt guilty , though , and considered it the least she could do to keep him company . And even though he was not doing it exactly as she would have , she was grateful for his help and proud of her self - restraint in not directing him too much . It was a beautiful autumn day . The air was a little chillier than it had been the last few weeks , but the sun was brilliant and there was no wind . Dave leaned his rake against the fence and stuffed another orange garbage bag full of leaves before tying it up and hauling it over to join the dozen others at the side of the house . He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm , ambled over to the deck where Violet sat , and cracked one of the beers she had brought out . He threw his work gloves on the table and dumped the contents of his jeans pockets next to them . Three colourful bouncy balls rolled across the table and dropped to the deck , bouncing happily to the edge and disappearing into the grass . He reached down and fished a ball out of the lawn . " Yeah . A couple of the guys got about four thousand of these and filled up my locker with them . When I opened it , balls went everywhere . " " Yeah , " he said . " I waited until they were all in the shower after the game , then slipped out and turned off all the hot water at the tank . They all squealed like little girls . " " Well , " Dave said , with a hangdog expression . " That wasn 't the end of it . I also flicked off the lights as I left . It was pitch dark in the locker room . Left a bunch of soapy , cold naked guys groping around for the taps . They were pretty mad . " He nodded . " You should have seen them . They were running around in the dark , looking for light switches and slipping on bouncy balls , it was beautiful . I just wish I 'd had a camera . " They chatted for a few more minutes before Dave decided it was time to get back to work . He gathered a few more bags of leaves and lined them all up at the curb . Just watching him , Violet found herself laughing quietly every time she imagined the state of that locker room after Dave had exacted his vengeance . Late that night , Violet woke to voices in the street out front of her house . She hauled herself out of bed and got to the window just in time to see three young men in hooded sweatshirts hooting and laughing as they ran down the street . Dave 's car was parked at the curb , as it usually was , but it looked strange in the unnatural orange light from the streetlight . Something about the texture just didn 't look right . But as far as she could tell , all four tires were still round , and the windows were intact . She shrugged and headed back to bed , seeing nothing worth calling the police over . Early the next morning , Violet went out to get the newspaper , and looked over at Dave 's car again . It was still sitting in the same spot and still looked , somehow , odd . Risking a chat with Gus , she picked her way carefully down the steps and across the lawn to get a closer look . It wasn 't until she was right next to it that she saw what the problem was . It was covered from stem to stern in what looked like Saran wrap . Under , over and all around , the car had been sealed shut with rolls and rolls of plastic ( The little hoodlums had left the boxes lying on Gus 's lawn . He 'd be thrilled about that , she thought , but left them there , figuring it might be fun to watch Gus go apoplectic when he saw them there . ) . She hurried back in the house to call Dave . She hated to wake him so early but this was important . Dave loved that car . He was going to be devastated when he heard it had been vandalized . She dialed his number quickly , her heart fluttering anxiously in her chest . Dave answered on the second ring . " Violet , is everything ok ? " he asked , his voice anxious , but coarse with sleep . She always found it disconcerting when he knew she was calling . It made her think he had some special powers , even though she knew it was just Call Display . The line clicked and was silent . Nervously , Violet replaced the receiver and hurried to her bedroom to put on some decent clothes . By the time she was changed and back outside , Dave was standing beside his car , shaking his head in disbelief . Dave was laughing so hard , it took him a full minute before he gathered enough control to reply . " My hockey team , " he stuttered between chuckles . " I guess they got me back . " Violet sat on her back deck and looked out over the creek . It was the warmest October day she could ever remember , over 85 if it was a degree . The geese puttered about in the water , chattering amongst themselves , and she wondered if they were confused by the temperature . She enjoyed being outside . The four walls of her little house grated on her after a few months of winter , so any time she got to spend outside felt like a gift . Today , she was especially grateful . Last Thanksgiving , she had been shut in from an unexpected dump of snow . Today , it could have been July , although the sun was at the wrong angle . She sat contentedly in the rocking chair on her back deck . The creek was tranquil , as if waiting for something . Across the way , she could see kids playing in the green space . It was so good to see them out there . There were three or four throwing a ball back and forth . She recognized them from the area . One had a grandmother that played bridge , and at least one of them was John and Lisa Graham 's son , Justin . It had been a long time since kids had played ball out there , and it brought Violet back to the days when the area was full of young families with little kids . That just wasn 't the case these days - although many of those families were still around , their kids certainly were not , and for the ones that did still have young ones , they spent all their time in organized sports or watching TV . No one ever just played baseball anymore . It made Violet despair for humanity sometimes . Violet watched as a child approached the group timidly . He carried a baseball bat and a glove and crept cautiously along the path behind her house , heading toward the field where the others were playing catch . He was a small boy with a dirty face and scruffy clothes , from a large family around the corner . Although Violet had no particular fondness for children , she found herself hoping the other kids would invite him to play . She remembered being the lonely child , the new family on the street . It had been an awful summer for her , and she supposed it would only be worse for kids nowadays . When he got there , he stood over to the side watching the friends . Eventually , one of the other kids took notice of the boy . She saw him , and then deliberately turned back to her friends . Violet couldn 't quite hear what they said , but there was suddenly a burst of nervous laughter from the group . The boy 's head and shoulders slumped as he turned away and started walking back toward home . Even from several houses away , Violet could see the hurt on the boy 's face . Her heart wrenched for him , and a surge of anger at the others rolled through her . She stood as he approached . The boy looked both alarmed and confused , startled by the presence of an old woman he hadn 't previously noticed . He seemed worried , like he thought Violet was asking if he wanted to play with her . Anger at the little bullies across the way eclipsed any potential humour in the situation for Violet . Violet didn 't know what to say . She had little experience with children , beyond having been one herself , but she could see this one was hurting . What to do ? She wondered . She considered going to give the little brats a piece of her mind , but dismissed the idea almost immediately as inadvisable . But his image , taunted and teased by the others , dragging his bat home behind him haunted Violet . Through supper and into the evening , she thought about that poor child and worried for him . She felt compelled to do something . But what ? After supper , Violet went for a walk . Darkness was falling fairly early these days , so she headed out immediately after the dishes were done . It was a peaceful time of day . Geese honked across the sky in perfect vees . The air was still remarkably warm , warm enough that she didn 't even need a sweater , and the faint smoke from forest fires made the sunset a spectacular splash of pinks and oranges in the west . She saw several people walking their dogs , including Trudy . An idea came to Violet . Trudy was probably the most influential person in the neighborhood . She was a chatter , which normally drove Violet crazy . The woman had some kind of witchy gift that made people talk to her . She was a retired schoolteacher who often babysat for people in the area . She was beloved by all , perhaps because she had either taught or looked after every child for miles around at one time or another . This was perfect . Trudy made a motion to move away . Violet could hardly blame her ; she had spent many hours actively discouraging Trudy from chatting . But this time , Violet needed Trudy 's help . " Yes , and all of them under ten years old ! " Trudy gushed . " Someone oughta tell those two where they 're all coming from ! " She guffawed in a rather irritating manner . All under ten . That told Violet that the poor little boy who had been laughed off the playground was younger than his tormentors by a year or two at least . Her anger flashed again . Violet flapped a hand dismissively . " Oh , I 'm not sure . Justin Graham , I think , and a couple of others . I don 't remember . " Violet pretended to gaze off down the street but out of the corner of her eye , she could see Trudy react . The Grahams were Trudy 's next door neighbours , and she knew a comment about one of them misbehaving would get her attention . Trudy told everyone they were like grandchildren to her . She had looked after the kids more than any others in the neighbourhood . She was obviously very fond of them , and it was a good thing , too . None were exactly delinquents , but any discipline the Graham kids had ever received was meted out by Trudy . She prided herself on those kids and the manners she had single - handedly instilled in them . Trudy would be mortified to learn one of her adopted grandchildren had been unkind . They made small talk for a few more minutes until Violet was able to extract herself . She had accomplished her task for the evening , and now it was time to go home . She escaped quicker than usual , hoping that Trudy was now anxious to detour past the Graham 's and speak to them about the incident with the Johnson boy . All day she waited , delighted that the weather was again providing record - breaking heat . She sat on her deck again most of the afternoon , soaking up the warmth while trying to read her book . At four o ' clock , just past the time schools were dismissed , she was gratified to see several kids come up the creek path and stop at the playground . They all dropped their backpacks and someone produced a baseball . Violet 's heart fell when she saw the scruffy little Johnson boy was not there . Whatever she had expected from her orchestrated conversation with Trudy had not materialized . She nearly had to blink back tears as she imagined the poor boy sitting at home , tossing a ball into his glove , as sad and alone as he had been the day before . No child deserved that , she thought . She considered baking cookies to take over as a gesture of apology for the solution she had not been able to negotiate . The girl from yesterday said something to the boy that made his smile falter . Damn , Violet thought . She readied herself to head over and give the girl a stern talking - to . But then she saw the Graham boy stand up a little straighter . " No , " he said . " Joey can stay . If you don 't like it , go home . " Oh , my , thought Violet . What a brave thing to do , standing up to a friend . Justin Graham , and Trudy , rose a few notches in Violet 's estimation . Good for him . The Johnson boy stood straighter too , and within a few minutes , was playing ball with the rest of them . The girl pouted a while , but stopped when she realized no one was paying attention , and was soon having fun too . Seeing the group playing ball in the green space was so much like old times that Violet suddenly felt about thirty years younger . Knowing she had helped make it happen was even better . She watched them play baseball until the light faded and their parents started calling them in one by one for dinner . Eventually , Justin Graham and Joey Johnson were the only ones left . They walked slowly along the path that went behind Violet 's house . She watched them from the shadows . Joey shrugged , a familiar gesture . Shock at Justin 's language showed briefly on his face , but he said nothing . Violet could see his posture was different than it had been yesterday , taller . In preparation for NaNoWriMo , I have entered a Post a Day blogging challenge . The idea is to write something for posting every day . I am going to split my postings between the two blogs . Today 's is fiction , inspired by a weird news story about a guy who was rescued 6 days after driving his car into a ravine . It was also written for a little contest on writing . com , which I have recently joined for inspiration , anonymous support and peer reviews . It had to be no more than 300 words and contain the words spin , fountain and bumblebee . Enjoy . I 'm driving too fast . Jane glares at me from the passenger seat . I beat her to the " we - need - some - time - apart " speech . It was a long time coming , but it 's the right thing . She wanted out as badly as I did , I 'm sure of it . I know I 'm pushing it hard when the wheels slip going round a curve . In an instant , I lose control and the rock face looms on the left , nicking the fender . We spin across the empty road and hit the guardrail . It folds back like tin foil . Before I can blink , we are over and airborne . I am thrown around violently as car bounces across the bottom of the ravine , a bumblebee in a field of wildflowers . Jane 's scream competes with the squeal of rending metal and breaking glass . The car rolls lazily a few times , and rocks to a stop on its wheels . Everything hurts and my body doesn 't work right , but I smell smoke , so I force myself out through the smashed window and fall to the ground . I see a fountain of gas running under the car . I look for Jane . She 's on the ground near the car , not moving . Her beautiful face is bloody . The ringing in my ears fades and I hear the crackle of fire . I drag her as far away as I can , metres . This is not how it was supposed to end . We were going to have some time apart , but it was just temporary . We were meant to be together . I hold her , terrified of her stillness . I am paralyzed with regrets . Since my recent Brush With Death , I have become quite reminiscent . Some might call it maudlin , but I have been enjoying my trip down memory lane quite a lot . I 'm sure you are feeling the same way right now . I was remembering how much time you used to spend at my house . We would stay up half the night playing cards and drinking coke and listening to the radio . My memories of those nights are so fond . It has been a while since we played , but think I am still ahead in the running gin rummy total . I must look for that little ledger book , I think it 's still around here somewhere . Do you recollect the time we went to the beach ? It was one of those nights where you slept over at my house so your father wouldn 't know when you got in . I remember the day you first met George . What a glorious day it was . If I recall correctly , the sun was hot and the water was refreshing and there were plenty of young men admiring us . Well , truth be told , they were admiring you , in that very risqué bathing suit . I never had the nerve to go out like that , but you pulled it off every time . I was so jealous of your sense of adventure ( and your bosoms ! ) . And the dance that night ! I was exhausted by midnight . I think there were only about a dozen of us left . You went down to the beach in George 's car after they shut the dance hall down and I went home . I almost waited outside for you so we would only have to open the door once because I didn 't know what Mother would think if she heard you come in after I did . But when I got there , I could hear her snoring from the porch . I was in bed when you finally got home , but I don 't think we even slept that night . You were over the moon . I had a feeling you two were in it for the long haul . I was so sorry to hear about his passing . One of the things I remember most from those days was The Rules of Appropriate and Inappropriate Behaviour . How many can you name ? A Lady never drinks hard liquor . A Lady never scratches in public . A Lady must never show more than an inch of knee . A Lady never goes anywhere without a hat and gloves . Now that I think of it , all those rules were meant to keep us from anything that was fun . You were so good at walking that line , though . You always managed to have as much fun as possible without getting yourself a Reputation . I was too afraid . I guess that 's why you ended up with seven lovely children and I nearly ended up a spinster accountant ! Anyway , it all worked out in the end . Frank was very good to me . Although I couldn 't have admitted it a year after he died , our time together , however short , was worth the wait . I hope you don 't mind this nostalgic little diversion , Alma . I 'm sure things are still very difficult for you . You should think about coming for a visit . It would be just like old times , only with canes and walkers and a lot more fibre . I 'll have a full deck of cards ready whenever you want . Violet 's walk took her past the playground . Since her recent near - death experience , she tried to get in a walk at least every other day . She figured this new habit would not last much into winter , but if it could buy her some time right now , she was up for it . Besides , it was another glorious morning , the sun far too hot for the autumnal angle of the shadows it cast , and the walking felt good . The children were finally back at school . There seemed to be fewer hooligans tearing around the neighbourhood , anyway . She noted with some relief that she would likely not need the mirror mounted on her walking stick ( she refused to call it a cane ) to warn her of hoodlums coming up from the rear on skateboards . The sky was curiously blue and utterly cloudless . It was warm , but pleasant in the shade of the huge elm that hung over the park bench . Children too young for school ran and played on the slides and bridges and rope ladders of the modern jungle gym , hollering joyfully as only children do . Every once in a while , a cry of indignation or pain would split the air , a child suffering hurt feelings or a skinned knee . They were invariable attended promptly and dutifully by a parent . As she settled onto the bench and marveled at the summery weather , she noticed something odd ( or was it interesting ? ) about the families at the park . There were no mothers . All the adults were men , fathers with one , two , even three preschoolers , down and digging in the dirt or capably hoisting kids in and out of the black rubber baby swings , all the while holding paper cups of takeout coffee and chatting companionably with each other . It was an entirely novel concept to Violet . Men of Violet 's generation would never have been caught dead at a playground with their children . Parenting was for women . In fact , there was no such thing as parenting . There was mothering and wait - till - your - father - gets - home . Violet racked her brain to remember a time she ever saw a man on his own with children . The idea was simply foreign . She watched with fascination as these men , dads , she supposed , interacted with the children . One pulled a tissue from his pocket and wiped the grimy nose of a very reluctant toddler before placing him expertly back in the sandbox . Another actually changed a diaper on the bench across from Violet 's . Still a third called out , " Joshua and Emily , five minutes ! " The responding grumble that came from to identically towheaded children in matching rain boots gave Violet the distinct impression that they had heard that line before . A handsome man in a button - down shirt and jeans bent down to examine something slimy held by a child of about three . The man bore none of the soft , harried and haggard look of many young mothers Violet had ever seen . He appeared fit and well - rested . He exclaimed with evident delight in the same tone she could imagine him using to describe a priceless French painting or a vintage wine , only somehow this sounded genuine . The child looked pleased with his father 's approval and moved to tuck the slimy thing into his pocket . They do laundry , too ? Violet wondered . When do these men work ? She made a note to ask Dave if he had friends who stayed at home with the children while their wives worked . Of course , their wives probably had to work to help the family keep up with the mortgage payments . Maybe that 's why these dads were so interested in their children . Living wasn 't cheap these days . It occurred to Violet that since it was Saturday , perhaps these fathers were on duty so that their wives could sleep in . As pleasant as the idea was , she had a sense that this was more than giving mom a break . These fathers were too knowledgeable about their children , too comfortable in their roles as parents to be pinch - hitting . She thought about Frank and what kind of father he would have been . Detached , she expected . A breadwinner , although Violet had always assumed she would find a way to continue working if they had been blessed enough to have had a child . Perhaps he would have been forced to be involved , she thought . Maybe he 'd even have been good at it . For every time she heard him decry the child pitching a fit in the grocery store ( " Spare the rod , spoil the child , " he 'd say under his breath ) , she could remember the delight he took in handing out Halloween candy or seeing the Christmas play at church . What a wonderful way to be raised , Violet thought . To have a relationship with a father that was not based on fear , or the power of absence . And what a gift for these fathers , to know and delight in their children in ways that previous generations never did . She had always thought she 'd have made an adequate mother . Seeing these men interact so comfortably with their kids and knowing that with Frank she would have done fine , a long - buried stirring awoke in Violet that made her pine for the babies she never had . Violet 's reverie was broken when the father of Emily and Joshua called out again . " Emily , Joshua , time to go ! " Five minutes had gone quickly . " No ! " the little girl squealed falling limp to the grass like a war protester . The little boy headed to a stroller over by the tree and began to climb in . Emily 's father deftly scooped her up under his arm and headed to another stroller , ignoring the piercing shrieks and tiny fists pummeling his kidneys . " No , Joshua , that 's Isabelle 's stroller . Ours is over here . " One arm was still cradling the screaming , floppy Emily even as the other hand flipped open an enormous chariot with two seats . He wrestled the outraged child into the front seat and fastened her seatbelt . She was nearly purple with the effort of resisting him . The father , however , had not broken a sweat . He picked Joshua up under the arms and plopped him behind her , then reached into the basket underneath the seats and pulled out two small cups with spouts and a Ziploc bag . He handed each child a cup and some crackers from the bag . Emily , evidently understanding that further protests would fall on deaf ears , snuffled her way to silence and sucked on her cup . As she watched them go , Violet noticed that the child 's inhuman howling had actually made her ears ring . The mild melancholy that begun to emanate from her barren womb lifted at the realization that there were many good things about childlessness . Yes , there were reasons she and Frank had not been given any . She smiled to herself , got up , and headed in the opposite direction . |
I 'm sure by now , the police will have completed their investigation , although I am surprised they have not come to interview me about the incident . Perhaps you will direct them to me before the case goes cold . Confession , as they say , is good for the soul , and my soul can use all the help it can get . As you may remember , the weather yesterday was unseasonably warm . When I entered your store at approximately 11 : 00 am yesterday , I noted that the floor was quite slippery from melting snow . Being ever vigilant to circumstances which may cause injury , I carefully skirted the danger , and proceeded with my wheeled cart ( which I had brought from home ) toward the produce section . Unfortunately , as I edged around the hazardous puddle , the strap from my handbag caught on an inconveniently located display of tinned tomatoes . Before you get ahead of me , I am aware that this is not a crime , however I was somewhat discomfited , especially when your stock boy , Ned , I believe is his name ( by the way , is he your son ? He 's a very handsome lad ! Or was , before the black eye ) came hurrying over to ensure my safety . Please commend Ned on his quick action . Obviously , there was no way to deny it was I who had caused the tomato avalanche , so I tried my best to help him clean up the mess . You should know that the lad was extremely kind , especially after I dropped the third tin , thankfully missing his foot this time , and it burst open on the floor . He simply encouraged me to continue my shopping . Such excellent customer service ! ( If I might suggest a change to your store employees ' dress code , perhaps shoes with good traction should be encouraged . I 'm a big believer in practical footwear . ) Unfortunately , when Ned went off to get a mop to clean up the mess , those shiny black uniform shoes of his failed him , and he slipped on a squashed tomato . In any case , I simply marvelled at how fortunate it was that the boy was not hurt as canteloupes rained down around us . I 'm sure he would have been fine , too , if it weren 't for the one errant melon that landed directly on his , well , melon . It was a nasty thump . Good thing it seems he can spare the brain cells . I am sure the shiner will fade in a few days . By this point , you will understand how flustered I was . My shopping list had completely fled my mind , and I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to take my leave , lest I succumb to a fate too similar to Ned 's . I carefully picked my way around what , under other circumstances might be a delightful summer salad ( tomatoes and cantaloupes go together as well as peanut butter and bologna , wouldn 't you agree ? ) , and went home to rest and recover from the dramatic events . It was here that I discovered my crime . In the bottom of my little shopping cart , I found a canteloupe . I have no idea how it managed to escape the fruit storm unscathed , but it was nestled safely in the bottom of my basket . You must understand how embarassing it was to discover this melon felony , inadvertent though I assure you it was ! All day I worried , and all night , I lay awake , wracked with guilt , waiting for the police to knock on my door . I even considered eating the evidence of my transgression . However , I am certain that illicit fruit would only be bitter and indigestible ( oh , if only Eve had realized that in the Garden of Eden ! ) and the rind would linger in my compost bin easily long enough to provide the police with ample evidence . So I did not . I assure you , Mr . Smith , in all my years , I have never stolen anything . The guilt is eating me alive ! I would like to rectify the situation by returning the contraband canteloupe . Please accept it as enclosed , perhaps slightly worse for wear , but at last back in its rightful place . Dave adored women . He liked their company far better than he liked the company of men . He reflected on this often , noting with interest each time he checked in on his motivations that his interest in women was not ( always ) sexual or even romantic . More so it was pure preference . He liked how they talked , moved , thought . Smelled . Young or old , it didn 't matter . He just loved women . It was part of the reason he got along well with Violet . She had gender going for her , along with an interesting , feisty streak that kept him laughing . For whatever reason they had been brought together , he enjoyed every minute . Much of his free time was spent with Violet these days , but when she was occupied with her not inconsiderable social life , Dave divided the vast majority of his time between work and the gym . He freely acknowledged that the majority of his motivation for maintaining his impressive level of fitness was to score points with the ladies , but it had its benefits in other ways too . It was nice to be able to escort a drunk and boisterous asshole out of the bar without breaking a sweat , or to move Violet 's piano for her so she could vacuum underneath it . But mostly , his buff physique set the stage for many a friendship , short - lived though they tended to be with women . Although he rarely turned down the side benefits , sex was never his main motivation , and any woman that only wanted to enjoy his spectacular body never remained interested for long , especially when she realized he was not just interested in her , but in any woman . Most had trouble getting past that . And his love of women was not limited to human women either . Cars and boats held significant appeal , and he always had a soft spot for the hot aliens on Star Trek . But as far as humans were concerned , he could count on one hand the number of women he had not found attractive in some way or other . The only place , besides the bar where he worked and the gym , where Dave spent any significant time was the Humane Society . He had been doing it since he was fourteen , when his mother caught him smoking behind the school with his buddies one weekend . She declared then and there , right in front of his friends , that he would be busy the rest of the summer . She marched him down to an old folks ' home and signed him up to call Bingo . She dropped him there every Saturday afternoon for months , and once he got over the embarrassment of being caught out in front of his friends , he had a whale of a time entertaining the old ladies with extravagant compliments and amateur magic tricks . One day , a Humane Society volunteer brought a boisterous puppy to visit the nursing home . When he saw how much pleasure it brought the residents , he went down there and volunteered . While they wouldn 't let a fourteen - year - old take a dog out to a nursing home , they did let him clean out kennels and pet cats . He loved it , even more than his time at the nursing home . Even back then , it was always the female animals he gravitated toward . He got along with them the best . Dogs were his favourite . Even now , in his mid - twenties , Dave still made time to go once a week . He worked it into his exercise routine , choosing the dogs with the highest energy and taking them for long runs around the city . They all came back happily exhausted . The Humane Society ladies loved him , because his dogs were always too sated to misbehave . They rarely stayed at the shelter long . Dave had the touch - his girls were always adopted quickly . The ladies ' theory was that he had some kind of come - to - Jesus talk and put the fear of God into the dogs when they were out on their runs . Dave just figured it was about time that some human showed these animals how it could be , if they chose the right home . He 'd made many friends at the Humane Society , none of which crossed over with his bar - and - gym crowd . In fact , he took some pains to keep his volunteering quiet at work , not entirely sure what kind of razzing he 'd be forced to endure if the boys ever got wind of his soft spot for an entirely different kind of bitch ( which was also why he kept his preference for romantic comedies a secret - the flawed - yet - desirable heroine got him every time . Reason number 347 that it was better to spend time with women than men . Women didn 't disparage one 's choice in pastimes or movies ) . The car had been in the parking lot of Dave 's bar on any number of Sunday mornings . It belonged to one of the regulars , a lazy slacker named Ivan . They 'd gone to high school together , but that was where their similarities ended . Ivan was headed toward a permanent spot in the trailer park , his beer gut leading the way . He 'd never had a job for more than a few months at a time , and he usually paid his bar tab with the change he scraped out of the console in his car . He had recently managed to get a girl pregnant and , to the boys ' suprise , agreed to move out of his mom 's place and in with her . Dave suspected that it would be short - lived , once she realized that a guy who wears the same threadbare underwear for a week at a time ( he didn 't wear a belt either , which was how Dave had come to recognize the frayed Fruit of the Loom waistband ) was not likely fatherhood material . Besides , he was almost sure that she was not the last girl Ivan had taken back to the room in his mom 's basement where he still spent many nights . He heard Ivan 's voice as he approached the desk , and ducked behind a wall . It wasn 't so much that he didn 't want Ivan to see him , but the tone in Ivan 's voice was one that Dave was completely unprepared to acknowledge . The man sounded miserable , a fact which was being studiously ignored by Gail , the woman assigned to intake . Gail was a middle - aged woman who looked like she 'd seen hard times . She 'd worked intake for years , and had just about heard it all . It was a crappy job , which by necessity quickly muted any sense of empathy that the staff might have . Some of the sob stories people came in with when they wanted to surrender an animal were pretty creative , if not patently false , and the resulting despair for humanity caused the staff to find ways to make it as difficult as possible . Anyone hoping for sympathy left sorely disappointed . The prevailing opinion among intake staff was that the people could fend for their own mental health . The only therapy Gail dispensed was for the animals . " No , " he replied . " I just can 't have it in my apartment . She told me she 'd drown it in the creek if I didn 't take it . " Since to Dave 's knowledge , Ivan had never had an apartment , he guessed that Ivan 's mom had refused to let the creature in the house . He wasn 't sure if Ivan was referring to his mother or the girlfriend , but would not be surprised to hear that either had threatened to kill the cat ; from what he remembered , both were pretty much a class - A bitches ( two of the few women about whom Dave could find few redeeming features ) . But even if it was the girlfriend , Ivan 's apparent misery at the " ex " part of his description was a bit of a surprise . Or was it over the cat ? It was hard to tell from the sound of his voice . Dave peeked around the corner as Gail finished up the paperwork and made Ivan sign over the cat . He watched Ivan push himself away from the counter and walk toward the door , pausing a moment to say goodbye to the cat . Dave saw abject regret painted all over Ivan 's face as he crouched down and poked a finger into the cage to scratch the poor thing 's ears . With a jolt , Dave saw Ivan wipe a tear away as he hurried off without looking at anyone else . It was a shock , to be sure . Dave had never seen the side of Ivan that would grieve over either a woman or a pet . Dave had done both , but had not seen it coming from Ivan , whom he 'd always considered little more than a waste of space . He was truly taken aback . As soon as Ivan 's car had left the parking lot , Dave went over to the cat . It was wary , with reason , but within a few seconds was rubbing its head against Dave 's outstretched fingers , and even purring a little . It was a pretty cat , black and white with nearly perfect symmetrical markings on its face and back . " Hey , buddy , " he murmured . It was all he could say . Ivan 's stricken face kept coming to mind , and Dave was surprised to find himself choking up a little . " I don 't know what we 're going to do with this one , " she said . Despite her cool demeanor with those surrendering animals ( irrespective of their reasons , legitimate or otherwise ) , she was genuinely fond of the creatures that came in . Like Dave with women , there were few irredeemable animals , according to Gail . " What will happen to him ? " Dave asked . He wasn 't sure if he was asking Gail about the cat , or a rhetorical question about Ivan . " It 's a ' she ' , according to the guy who brought her in , " Gail said in her gravelly smoker 's voice . " She 'll get checked by the vet , and head for Adoptions if everything 's ok . She 's a little older , though , so it 'll be tough to place her . And he wouldn 't sign the form saying he 'd take her back if she was slated to be euthanized . " Dave let the thought linger a moment . The instant she 'd mentioned the cat was a female , Dave felt a familiar connection , the one that led him to befriend nearly anyone with two X chromosomes . He heard himself speak before his mind fully processed the implications of his words . Gail looked quickly at him . They 'd always remarked on how unattached Dave was to the animals to whom he showed such affection . He 'd never indicated wanting to keep one before . And truth be told , Dave had never even entertained the thought of taking one home . Especially not a cat . Gail shrugged . " Come back tomorrow . I 'll get her checked by the vet and we can do the paperwork in the morning . " Her face clearly said she never expected to see Dave again . Dave nodded and said his goodbyes to Gail and the cat . He stopped on the way home and bought a litter box and all the fixings . He spent a disproportionate amount of time choosing the cat 's first homecoming meal . Who knew there were so many kinds of cat food ? Finally , when he was nearly late for work , he settled on an expensive can of some sort of tuna - based cat gruel . It sounded horrible but a pretty girl shopping in the same aisle assured him that cats loved it . All evening , all through his shift at the bar , through a few hours of fitful sleep , he kept expecting to come to his senses . He considered who would look after her when he wanted to travel . He thought about the expensive furniture in his apartment that was currently free of claw marks . He even acknowledged the possibility that his roommate might not agree with his decision . He fully expected to wake in the morning with the clarity of a new day , understanding the ridiculousness of his offhand comment to Gail , and be forced to retract his offer . But his resolve was only stronger in the light of day . None of the reasonable objections to the idea seemed to hold any water when he thought of the sweet little furry face that was waiting for him in a cold steel cage . Dave shook his head . He was pretty sure the old bastard would say no , but Dave had no intention of ever letting him know about the cat , and besides , he had a sense that if he passed up this cat , she would never see the inside of another house . Dave made a quick decision . It was unfair , he knew , but years of loving women had taught him all the right moves to make when he wanted something . He rarely used his powers for personal gain , but this didn 't feel self - serving at all . It was for the cat , he told himself . It was her only chance . " Okay , " she said . And that was it . Dave signed the papers , handed over the carrier , and Gail brought it back in a few minutes with Dave 's new cat . Dave was over one Saturday afternoon helping Violet clean up the yard . Or rather , Dave was raking up leaves while Violet supervised from the comfort of an Adirondack chair on the deck with a mug of tea in her hand and a blanket on her lap . Dave had insisted ; somehow he 'd gotten it into his head that she was fragile , so he refused to let her help with the yard work . He told her it was fun ( she didn 't believe him ) . She felt guilty , though , and considered it the least she could do to keep him company . And even though he was not doing it exactly as she would have , she was grateful for his help and proud of her self - restraint in not directing him too much . It was a beautiful autumn day . The air was a little chillier than it had been the last few weeks , but the sun was brilliant and there was no wind . Dave leaned his rake against the fence and stuffed another orange garbage bag full of leaves before tying it up and hauling it over to join the dozen others at the side of the house . He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm , ambled over to the deck where Violet sat , and cracked one of the beers she had brought out . He threw his work gloves on the table and dumped the contents of his jeans pockets next to them . Three colourful bouncy balls rolled across the table and dropped to the deck , bouncing happily to the edge and disappearing into the grass . He reached down and fished a ball out of the lawn . " Yeah . A couple of the guys got about four thousand of these and filled up my locker with them . When I opened it , balls went everywhere . " " Yeah , " he said . " I waited until they were all in the shower after the game , then slipped out and turned off all the hot water at the tank . They all squealed like little girls . " " Well , " Dave said , with a hangdog expression . " That wasn 't the end of it . I also flicked off the lights as I left . It was pitch dark in the locker room . Left a bunch of soapy , cold naked guys groping around for the taps . They were pretty mad . " He nodded . " You should have seen them . They were running around in the dark , looking for light switches and slipping on bouncy balls , it was beautiful . I just wish I 'd had a camera . " They chatted for a few more minutes before Dave decided it was time to get back to work . He gathered a few more bags of leaves and lined them all up at the curb . Just watching him , Violet found herself laughing quietly every time she imagined the state of that locker room after Dave had exacted his vengeance . Late that night , Violet woke to voices in the street out front of her house . She hauled herself out of bed and got to the window just in time to see three young men in hooded sweatshirts hooting and laughing as they ran down the street . Dave 's car was parked at the curb , as it usually was , but it looked strange in the unnatural orange light from the streetlight . Something about the texture just didn 't look right . But as far as she could tell , all four tires were still round , and the windows were intact . She shrugged and headed back to bed , seeing nothing worth calling the police over . Early the next morning , Violet went out to get the newspaper , and looked over at Dave 's car again . It was still sitting in the same spot and still looked , somehow , odd . Risking a chat with Gus , she picked her way carefully down the steps and across the lawn to get a closer look . It wasn 't until she was right next to it that she saw what the problem was . It was covered from stem to stern in what looked like Saran wrap . Under , over and all around , the car had been sealed shut with rolls and rolls of plastic ( The little hoodlums had left the boxes lying on Gus 's lawn . He 'd be thrilled about that , she thought , but left them there , figuring it might be fun to watch Gus go apoplectic when he saw them there . ) . She hurried back in the house to call Dave . She hated to wake him so early but this was important . Dave loved that car . He was going to be devastated when he heard it had been vandalized . She dialed his number quickly , her heart fluttering anxiously in her chest . Dave answered on the second ring . " Violet , is everything ok ? " he asked , his voice anxious , but coarse with sleep . She always found it disconcerting when he knew she was calling . It made her think he had some special powers , even though she knew it was just Call Display . The line clicked and was silent . Nervously , Violet replaced the receiver and hurried to her bedroom to put on some decent clothes . By the time she was changed and back outside , Dave was standing beside his car , shaking his head in disbelief . Dave was laughing so hard , it took him a full minute before he gathered enough control to reply . " My hockey team , " he stuttered between chuckles . " I guess they got me back . " Violet sat on her back deck and looked out over the creek . It was the warmest October day she could ever remember , over 85 if it was a degree . The geese puttered about in the water , chattering amongst themselves , and she wondered if they were confused by the temperature . She enjoyed being outside . The four walls of her little house grated on her after a few months of winter , so any time she got to spend outside felt like a gift . Today , she was especially grateful . Last Thanksgiving , she had been shut in from an unexpected dump of snow . Today , it could have been July , although the sun was at the wrong angle . She sat contentedly in the rocking chair on her back deck . The creek was tranquil , as if waiting for something . Across the way , she could see kids playing in the green space . It was so good to see them out there . There were three or four throwing a ball back and forth . She recognized them from the area . One had a grandmother that played bridge , and at least one of them was John and Lisa Graham 's son , Justin . It had been a long time since kids had played ball out there , and it brought Violet back to the days when the area was full of young families with little kids . That just wasn 't the case these days - although many of those families were still around , their kids certainly were not , and for the ones that did still have young ones , they spent all their time in organized sports or watching TV . No one ever just played baseball anymore . It made Violet despair for humanity sometimes . Violet watched as a child approached the group timidly . He carried a baseball bat and a glove and crept cautiously along the path behind her house , heading toward the field where the others were playing catch . He was a small boy with a dirty face and scruffy clothes , from a large family around the corner . Although Violet had no particular fondness for children , she found herself hoping the other kids would invite him to play . She remembered being the lonely child , the new family on the street . It had been an awful summer for her , and she supposed it would only be worse for kids nowadays . When he got there , he stood over to the side watching the friends . Eventually , one of the other kids took notice of the boy . She saw him , and then deliberately turned back to her friends . Violet couldn 't quite hear what they said , but there was suddenly a burst of nervous laughter from the group . The boy 's head and shoulders slumped as he turned away and started walking back toward home . Even from several houses away , Violet could see the hurt on the boy 's face . Her heart wrenched for him , and a surge of anger at the others rolled through her . She stood as he approached . The boy looked both alarmed and confused , startled by the presence of an old woman he hadn 't previously noticed . He seemed worried , like he thought Violet was asking if he wanted to play with her . Anger at the little bullies across the way eclipsed any potential humour in the situation for Violet . Violet didn 't know what to say . She had little experience with children , beyond having been one herself , but she could see this one was hurting . What to do ? She wondered . She considered going to give the little brats a piece of her mind , but dismissed the idea almost immediately as inadvisable . But his image , taunted and teased by the others , dragging his bat home behind him haunted Violet . Through supper and into the evening , she thought about that poor child and worried for him . She felt compelled to do something . But what ? After supper , Violet went for a walk . Darkness was falling fairly early these days , so she headed out immediately after the dishes were done . It was a peaceful time of day . Geese honked across the sky in perfect vees . The air was still remarkably warm , warm enough that she didn 't even need a sweater , and the faint smoke from forest fires made the sunset a spectacular splash of pinks and oranges in the west . She saw several people walking their dogs , including Trudy . An idea came to Violet . Trudy was probably the most influential person in the neighborhood . She was a chatter , which normally drove Violet crazy . The woman had some kind of witchy gift that made people talk to her . She was a retired schoolteacher who often babysat for people in the area . She was beloved by all , perhaps because she had either taught or looked after every child for miles around at one time or another . This was perfect . Trudy made a motion to move away . Violet could hardly blame her ; she had spent many hours actively discouraging Trudy from chatting . But this time , Violet needed Trudy 's help . " Yes , and all of them under ten years old ! " Trudy gushed . " Someone oughta tell those two where they 're all coming from ! " She guffawed in a rather irritating manner . All under ten . That told Violet that the poor little boy who had been laughed off the playground was younger than his tormentors by a year or two at least . Her anger flashed again . Violet flapped a hand dismissively . " Oh , I 'm not sure . Justin Graham , I think , and a couple of others . I don 't remember . " Violet pretended to gaze off down the street but out of the corner of her eye , she could see Trudy react . The Grahams were Trudy 's next door neighbours , and she knew a comment about one of them misbehaving would get her attention . Trudy told everyone they were like grandchildren to her . She had looked after the kids more than any others in the neighbourhood . She was obviously very fond of them , and it was a good thing , too . None were exactly delinquents , but any discipline the Graham kids had ever received was meted out by Trudy . She prided herself on those kids and the manners she had single - handedly instilled in them . Trudy would be mortified to learn one of her adopted grandchildren had been unkind . They made small talk for a few more minutes until Violet was able to extract herself . She had accomplished her task for the evening , and now it was time to go home . She escaped quicker than usual , hoping that Trudy was now anxious to detour past the Graham 's and speak to them about the incident with the Johnson boy . All day she waited , delighted that the weather was again providing record - breaking heat . She sat on her deck again most of the afternoon , soaking up the warmth while trying to read her book . At four o ' clock , just past the time schools were dismissed , she was gratified to see several kids come up the creek path and stop at the playground . They all dropped their backpacks and someone produced a baseball . Violet 's heart fell when she saw the scruffy little Johnson boy was not there . Whatever she had expected from her orchestrated conversation with Trudy had not materialized . She nearly had to blink back tears as she imagined the poor boy sitting at home , tossing a ball into his glove , as sad and alone as he had been the day before . No child deserved that , she thought . She considered baking cookies to take over as a gesture of apology for the solution she had not been able to negotiate . The girl from yesterday said something to the boy that made his smile falter . Damn , Violet thought . She readied herself to head over and give the girl a stern talking - to . But then she saw the Graham boy stand up a little straighter . " No , " he said . " Joey can stay . If you don 't like it , go home . " Oh , my , thought Violet . What a brave thing to do , standing up to a friend . Justin Graham , and Trudy , rose a few notches in Violet 's estimation . Good for him . The Johnson boy stood straighter too , and within a few minutes , was playing ball with the rest of them . The girl pouted a while , but stopped when she realized no one was paying attention , and was soon having fun too . Seeing the group playing ball in the green space was so much like old times that Violet suddenly felt about thirty years younger . Knowing she had helped make it happen was even better . She watched them play baseball until the light faded and their parents started calling them in one by one for dinner . Eventually , Justin Graham and Joey Johnson were the only ones left . They walked slowly along the path that went behind Violet 's house . She watched them from the shadows . Joey shrugged , a familiar gesture . Shock at Justin 's language showed briefly on his face , but he said nothing . Violet could see his posture was different than it had been yesterday , taller . In preparation for NaNoWriMo , I have entered a Post a Day blogging challenge . The idea is to write something for posting every day . I am going to split my postings between the two blogs . Today 's is fiction , inspired by a weird news story about a guy who was rescued 6 days after driving his car into a ravine . It was also written for a little contest on writing . com , which I have recently joined for inspiration , anonymous support and peer reviews . It had to be no more than 300 words and contain the words spin , fountain and bumblebee . Enjoy . I 'm driving too fast . Jane glares at me from the passenger seat . I beat her to the " we - need - some - time - apart " speech . It was a long time coming , but it 's the right thing . She wanted out as badly as I did , I 'm sure of it . I know I 'm pushing it hard when the wheels slip going round a curve . In an instant , I lose control and the rock face looms on the left , nicking the fender . We spin across the empty road and hit the guardrail . It folds back like tin foil . Before I can blink , we are over and airborne . I am thrown around violently as car bounces across the bottom of the ravine , a bumblebee in a field of wildflowers . Jane 's scream competes with the squeal of rending metal and breaking glass . The car rolls lazily a few times , and rocks to a stop on its wheels . Everything hurts and my body doesn 't work right , but I smell smoke , so I force myself out through the smashed window and fall to the ground . I see a fountain of gas running under the car . I look for Jane . She 's on the ground near the car , not moving . Her beautiful face is bloody . The ringing in my ears fades and I hear the crackle of fire . I drag her as far away as I can , metres . This is not how it was supposed to end . We were going to have some time apart , but it was just temporary . We were meant to be together . I hold her , terrified of her stillness . I am paralyzed with regrets . Since my recent Brush With Death , I have become quite reminiscent . Some might call it maudlin , but I have been enjoying my trip down memory lane quite a lot . I 'm sure you are feeling the same way right now . I was remembering how much time you used to spend at my house . We would stay up half the night playing cards and drinking coke and listening to the radio . My memories of those nights are so fond . It has been a while since we played , but think I am still ahead in the running gin rummy total . I must look for that little ledger book , I think it 's still around here somewhere . Do you recollect the time we went to the beach ? It was one of those nights where you slept over at my house so your father wouldn 't know when you got in . I remember the day you first met George . What a glorious day it was . If I recall correctly , the sun was hot and the water was refreshing and there were plenty of young men admiring us . Well , truth be told , they were admiring you , in that very risqué bathing suit . I never had the nerve to go out like that , but you pulled it off every time . I was so jealous of your sense of adventure ( and your bosoms ! ) . And the dance that night ! I was exhausted by midnight . I think there were only about a dozen of us left . You went down to the beach in George 's car after they shut the dance hall down and I went home . I almost waited outside for you so we would only have to open the door once because I didn 't know what Mother would think if she heard you come in after I did . But when I got there , I could hear her snoring from the porch . I was in bed when you finally got home , but I don 't think we even slept that night . You were over the moon . I had a feeling you two were in it for the long haul . I was so sorry to hear about his passing . One of the things I remember most from those days was The Rules of Appropriate and Inappropriate Behaviour . How many can you name ? A Lady never drinks hard liquor . A Lady never scratches in public . A Lady must never show more than an inch of knee . A Lady never goes anywhere without a hat and gloves . Now that I think of it , all those rules were meant to keep us from anything that was fun . You were so good at walking that line , though . You always managed to have as much fun as possible without getting yourself a Reputation . I was too afraid . I guess that 's why you ended up with seven lovely children and I nearly ended up a spinster accountant ! Anyway , it all worked out in the end . Frank was very good to me . Although I couldn 't have admitted it a year after he died , our time together , however short , was worth the wait . I hope you don 't mind this nostalgic little diversion , Alma . I 'm sure things are still very difficult for you . You should think about coming for a visit . It would be just like old times , only with canes and walkers and a lot more fibre . I 'll have a full deck of cards ready whenever you want . Violet 's walk took her past the playground . Since her recent near - death experience , she tried to get in a walk at least every other day . She figured this new habit would not last much into winter , but if it could buy her some time right now , she was up for it . Besides , it was another glorious morning , the sun far too hot for the autumnal angle of the shadows it cast , and the walking felt good . The children were finally back at school . There seemed to be fewer hooligans tearing around the neighbourhood , anyway . She noted with some relief that she would likely not need the mirror mounted on her walking stick ( she refused to call it a cane ) to warn her of hoodlums coming up from the rear on skateboards . The sky was curiously blue and utterly cloudless . It was warm , but pleasant in the shade of the huge elm that hung over the park bench . Children too young for school ran and played on the slides and bridges and rope ladders of the modern jungle gym , hollering joyfully as only children do . Every once in a while , a cry of indignation or pain would split the air , a child suffering hurt feelings or a skinned knee . They were invariable attended promptly and dutifully by a parent . As she settled onto the bench and marveled at the summery weather , she noticed something odd ( or was it interesting ? ) about the families at the park . There were no mothers . All the adults were men , fathers with one , two , even three preschoolers , down and digging in the dirt or capably hoisting kids in and out of the black rubber baby swings , all the while holding paper cups of takeout coffee and chatting companionably with each other . It was an entirely novel concept to Violet . Men of Violet 's generation would never have been caught dead at a playground with their children . Parenting was for women . In fact , there was no such thing as parenting . There was mothering and wait - till - your - father - gets - home . Violet racked her brain to remember a time she ever saw a man on his own with children . The idea was simply foreign . She watched with fascination as these men , dads , she supposed , interacted with the children . One pulled a tissue from his pocket and wiped the grimy nose of a very reluctant toddler before placing him expertly back in the sandbox . Another actually changed a diaper on the bench across from Violet 's . Still a third called out , " Joshua and Emily , five minutes ! " The responding grumble that came from to identically towheaded children in matching rain boots gave Violet the distinct impression that they had heard that line before . A handsome man in a button - down shirt and jeans bent down to examine something slimy held by a child of about three . The man bore none of the soft , harried and haggard look of many young mothers Violet had ever seen . He appeared fit and well - rested . He exclaimed with evident delight in the same tone she could imagine him using to describe a priceless French painting or a vintage wine , only somehow this sounded genuine . The child looked pleased with his father 's approval and moved to tuck the slimy thing into his pocket . They do laundry , too ? Violet wondered . When do these men work ? She made a note to ask Dave if he had friends who stayed at home with the children while their wives worked . Of course , their wives probably had to work to help the family keep up with the mortgage payments . Maybe that 's why these dads were so interested in their children . Living wasn 't cheap these days . It occurred to Violet that since it was Saturday , perhaps these fathers were on duty so that their wives could sleep in . As pleasant as the idea was , she had a sense that this was more than giving mom a break . These fathers were too knowledgeable about their children , too comfortable in their roles as parents to be pinch - hitting . She thought about Frank and what kind of father he would have been . Detached , she expected . A breadwinner , although Violet had always assumed she would find a way to continue working if they had been blessed enough to have had a child . Perhaps he would have been forced to be involved , she thought . Maybe he 'd even have been good at it . For every time she heard him decry the child pitching a fit in the grocery store ( " Spare the rod , spoil the child , " he 'd say under his breath ) , she could remember the delight he took in handing out Halloween candy or seeing the Christmas play at church . What a wonderful way to be raised , Violet thought . To have a relationship with a father that was not based on fear , or the power of absence . And what a gift for these fathers , to know and delight in their children in ways that previous generations never did . She had always thought she 'd have made an adequate mother . Seeing these men interact so comfortably with their kids and knowing that with Frank she would have done fine , a long - buried stirring awoke in Violet that made her pine for the babies she never had . Violet 's reverie was broken when the father of Emily and Joshua called out again . " Emily , Joshua , time to go ! " Five minutes had gone quickly . " No ! " the little girl squealed falling limp to the grass like a war protester . The little boy headed to a stroller over by the tree and began to climb in . Emily 's father deftly scooped her up under his arm and headed to another stroller , ignoring the piercing shrieks and tiny fists pummeling his kidneys . " No , Joshua , that 's Isabelle 's stroller . Ours is over here . " One arm was still cradling the screaming , floppy Emily even as the other hand flipped open an enormous chariot with two seats . He wrestled the outraged child into the front seat and fastened her seatbelt . She was nearly purple with the effort of resisting him . The father , however , had not broken a sweat . He picked Joshua up under the arms and plopped him behind her , then reached into the basket underneath the seats and pulled out two small cups with spouts and a Ziploc bag . He handed each child a cup and some crackers from the bag . Emily , evidently understanding that further protests would fall on deaf ears , snuffled her way to silence and sucked on her cup . As she watched them go , Violet noticed that the child 's inhuman howling had actually made her ears ring . The mild melancholy that begun to emanate from her barren womb lifted at the realization that there were many good things about childlessness . Yes , there were reasons she and Frank had not been given any . She smiled to herself , got up , and headed in the opposite direction . |
After 8 and 1 / 2 months of a beautiful pregnancy , our baby girl , Rylyn Charly Putnam , passed away Friday , November 4 , 2011 . That morning , Carmen didn 't feel Rylyn moving , so we went to the hospital . After monitoring , they found that the baby 's heart had been stopped for a couple of hours . After 22 hours of labor , Carmen delivered our baby on Saturday , November 5 at 10 : 42am . Upon delivery , the doctors discovered the umbilical cord wrapped around Rylyn 's neck and legs numerous times . We left the hospital Sunday , and are now at home grieving . I have never been happier than when I was pregnant with our first child , Rylyn . The pregnancy was planned , perfect and easy . But in November of 2011 , when I was 34 weeks pregnant with her , she got tangled in the umbilical cord and died . Giving birth to our first baby definitely changed my life forever , just not at all in the ways I 'd planned . I am 100 % certain that I would not have survived this experience without my husband , Ryan . He is the reason I continued to wake up in the morning after our daughter 's death . He is what kept me going . When I felt like giving up , he 's the reason I didn 't . I met Ryan in December of 2005 . We had our first date in January of 2006 and we 've been inseparable ever since . A year after our first date he proposed to me . A year after that we got married . I have always believed that love and marriage could and should be a certain way . With Ryan I found exactly what I was looking for . He is kind to me . We adore and respect each other . We have fun . We don 't bicker . We fight occasionally but it 's always resolved pretty quickly . He 's my favorite person in the world and I can say , with quite a bit of confidence , that I 'm his as well . We always talked about starting a family after being together for five years . It wasn 't set in stone , but it sounded like a good plan . In the summer of 2010 I started learning about getting pregnant and how to prepare my body for pregnancy . I read the What To Expect books and became fascinated ! I lost 40 pounds so that I 'd be in a healthy weight range when we got pregnant . I quit smoking . I gave up caffeine and started taking a prenatal vitamin . I wanted to do everything right . In January 2011 , we decided we were ready . I got off the pill . We gave it a month and started trying in March . We were thrilled ! We got pregnant on the first try . In my first trimester my only complaint was that I was tired . I didn 't have a single day of morning sickness . I had suffered from chronic back pain for the past few years and I noticed almost immediately that the pain was less and less as I got further along . I started telling people when I was 9 weeks pregnant . People were concerned that it was too early to tell people … you know … just in case something went wrong in the first trimester , but I wasn 't afraid . I felt brave and strong and as though I was made to do this . I started showing really early . At 13 weeks I had a bump . I LOVED IT ! I loved that it was obvious that I was pregnant . I loved the way I looked and felt . Ryan constantly told me how " normal " I seemed . I 'm a pretty emotional person and we were both preparing ourselves for the crazy hormonal ups and downs that people associate with pregnancy . I definitely had a few , but for the most part I was calm and happy . I 'm not a religious person . I don 't believe in heaven and hell . I have always believed in Karma . I 've always believed that if you 're a good , kind person , that means good things will happen to you . I 'm not perfect . Before this , anything bad that happened to me I would associate with something bad I 'd done in my life . I don 't mean " bad " like pre - marital sex or swear words . I mean " bad " like mean or hurtful or insensitive things I 'd done or said to people . I thought when I had chronic pain or the restaurant I worked at went bankrupt , that I was making up for wrongs I had committed . All that to say , I 've always felt like my wonderful , sweet Ryan was my prize for all of the good things I 'd done in my life . And I 've never taken him for granted . I was the same way with the pregnancy . I was grateful that we had no trouble conceiving . I was grateful that I felt so good . I was happy every time my doctor told me that everything was normal . I was thankful every time another woman who 'd had children told me she hated me because I had it so easy . I spent every day of my pregnancy knowing how lucky I was . I was sure that everything was perfect because of my attitude . It was all because I gushed positive vibes . On Thursday night I felt like the baby wasn 't really moving that much . Ryan and I talked to her . We played her some music . And we got her to move around a little . I was concerned but figured at 8 and ½ months , she was just getting bigger and didn 't have as much room to move . So I went on with my evening . Right before I fell asleep I felt her move again and I nudged Ryan awake and said , " she just moved . " Just so he knew that everything was fine . On Friday morning I woke up and kept thinking about the baby . Wondering if everything really was okay . As I got ready for work I poked my head out of the bathroom and said to Ryan , " I think I 'll call the doctor 's office after they open at eight , just to make sure . " He agreed that sounded good and off I went to work . I got there and a few minutes after 8 : 00 a . m . I called and left a voicemail for my doctor . " Hi . It 's Carmen . I just wanted to call because I haven 't felt the baby moving as much as normal . I feel like it 's probably because she 's getting too big to move as much , but I just want to be sure . I felt her move a little bit last night … but not at all this morning yet . But I was in there on Tuesday and everything was fine . So I 'm just calling to be sure . " I got a call back within 15 minutes . It was a nurse at my doctor 's office . She told me to go to the hospital for monitoring . I started crying . She was surprised and asked me if I was okay . " I just figured you 'd tell me it was no big deal . Now I have to go to the hospital ? ? ? Now I 'm really scared ! " She tried to calm me down and said that it probably wasn 't a big deal , but it was better safe than sorry . I knew she was right , of course , and called Ryan to come get me . He stayed very calm on the phone and said , " It 's okay . I 'm coming right now . " I 'd taken the phone call on my cell phone into an empty office so that I 'd have more privacy than my cubicle provided . I was sobbing but I knew I had to come out sooner rather than later . So I just walked out crying . I worked in an office with people who actually really love me . They really care . And when I came out a few of my closest friends came rushing over asking what was wrong . I blurted out , between those hiccup - type gasps that come when you cry too hard , " I - haven 't been feeling the baby move - and they want me to go to the - hos - - pital - to - get - MONITORED ! " They all said sweet wonderful things like , " oh I 'm sure it 's fine ! " and " I 'm sure they I went to wait outside for Ryan . I t xted my friend Tiffany to let her know . She and I worked together and we normally emailed back and forth all day . I k ew she would die if she heard through the gossip mill at work that I 'd left for the hospital sobbing . And I called my mom . I j st said , " I haven 't been feeling the baby move that much so I 'm going to the hospital for monitoring . It s probably nothing , but I 'll call and let you know once I get there . " Th Then Ryan was there . We drove nervously to the hospital . We kept going back to the fact that I was 34 weeks and if something was wrong and she had to be born today she had a very good chance of surviving . At one point I said , " You don 't think she 's dead in here , do you ? " And he quickly said , " Oh no ! Of course not . " And we changed the subject . I think we both spent that drive thinking we might just have our baby that day . We got to the hospital and didn 't know where to go . We hadn 't gotten to the tour yet in our birthing class . We asked and were directed to the Birth Center by a sweet lady that reminded me of my Grandma . It was a long walk . When we got there we had to be buzzed in . I just kept telling people . " My doctor wants my baby to be monitored . My doctor wants my baby to be monitored . " I checked in at the front desk and they quickly put me in a room and told me to strip from the waist down and lie down on the table . The nurse came in and put a monitor around my stomach to listen to the heartbeat . Throughout my pregnancy , at every appointment , the doctor would listen to the baby 's heartbeat . Every time she 'd just place the Doppler on my belly and we 'd hear her heart loud and clear . Every time my doctor made the same comment , " Wow . Well isn 't she cooperative . " And we 'd all laugh . At the hospital the nurse put the monitor on me . She turned some knobs on the machine . She moved the monitor around on my stomach . I started to cry . We didn 't hear anything . " Don 't worry , " she said , " Let me just get my head nurse . " The head nurse came in . She tried the knobs and moved the monitor around . She even grabbed my whole stomach and shook it . Then we heard a heartbeat but it didn 't sound right . The heartbeat we were hearing was mine . My heart was racing . Ryan and I were clinging to each other . Then a doctor came in with an ultrasound machine . I started crying out loud . Sobs that just lurched out of me . I looked up at Ryan and I wanted him to tell me it was okay and I was over reacting . He was looking at the doctor . And I saw all the color drain from Ryan 's face . I saw it in his face in the split second before the doctor said , " I 'm sorry . There 's no heartbeat . " And I screamed . I did . Loudly . My voice so full of agony I can still hear it when I dream about that day . " No ! ! ! ! ! ! God no ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " I was begging the universe for this not to be true . And Ryan 's eyes started tearing up and he looked right at the doctor and said , " You 're kidding , right ? " He wasn 't being accusatory . He wasn 't being confrontational . He was begging the doctor to change his story . And the doctor said , " I would never joke about that . See ? Here 's the heart . It 's not beating . " Ryan looked at the ultrasound machine . I didn 't . I didn 't want to see it . It didn 't feel final . There was a feeling when he told us her heart wasn 't beating that felt like an ellipses . Like , " There 's no heartbeat … " we wanted to scream , " AND ? ? ? ? Now what ? " It felt like it shouldn 't be so final . There should be more to say like , " There 's no heartbeat so we 're going to … " something . Anything . But it was a big fat period at the end of that statement . There 's no heartbeat . THE . END . I knew it was true . I knew they were right . She 'd grown in me and lived in me for 8 and ½ months and I knew she was gone . The doctor told us that her last heartbeat had been just a couple of hours ago . Since that day , Ryan and I can 't really agree on why he told us that . Did he say that so we 'd know that she was long gone and there was no saving her ? Or did he tell us that because he wanted us to know that she hadn 't been gone long ? We don 't know . They told us how sorry they were and said that they 'd give us a few minutes alone while they called my doctor . We cried and hugged each other . We apologized to each other over and over . Not for anything we 'd done . But just that the other was hurting so much . Like , " Ryan , I 'm sorry your daughter 's dead . " And , " Carmen , I 'm sorry your daughter 's dead , too . " And then I looked at him and said , " We 're not going to let this ruin our life or our marriage . Okay ? " And he said , " Okay . Together , we can get through anything . " And right then and there we promised . We promised that we would get through it . And we promised that we would get through it together . As a team . Some nurses came back in . And then it hit me . And I said , " How ? How are you going to get her out of here ? " And one of the nurses said , " Well , honey , you 're going to have to give birth to her . " Nope . Not a chance . To be honest , I don 't remember what I said . But I know I begged them to knock me out and cut her out … immediately . One of the nurses told me that my body would eventually go into labor on it 's own , and I could wait , but it might take up to two weeks … And then what ? I just go home with a dead baby inside me ? And then what ? I go to work and go on with my life for two weeks … with my dead baby INSIDE ME ? No thank you . Let 's get this over with . So they had to admit me . We hadn 't pre - registered at the hospital yet so we had to do all of the paper work . I remember the woman who came in to fill it all out was crying . And she kept saying , " I 'm so sorry . What 's your address ? " And , " I 'm so sorry . What 's your middle name ? " The whole time I was sitting in the exam room I had to pee . At that point in my pregnancy I was getting up 8 to 10 times a night to go to the bathroom . And I remember saying a few times , " I have to pee . " And they told me that here soon they 'd move me to a room with a bathroom . And I remember at first it was in the back of my mind and wasn 't that bad . But then it started to make me mad . My perfect precious DEAD baby was smashing my bladder and I couldn 't take it anymore ! ! ! ! They moved me into a birthing room . It was a big room . I asked Ryan to remove some of the baby things from the room . There was a machine , I don 't even know what it is , maybe to weigh the baby after it 's born . It had the baby blanket with the footprints on it . The blanket that every baby is wrapped in when they 're first born . There were brochures with infants on the cover . Magazines with smiling women holding their healthy , living babies . Ryan and the nurses removed all of it . We had to wait for my doctor to get there . We figured it was time to see my parents . They had been in the waiting room . They came after I called my mom to tell her we were going to the hospital . Ryan called his mom . My mom called my sister . I had Ryan call my friend Tiffany at work and tell her what had happened and ask her to let everyone know . I kept wondering how do I make sure to start my FMLA today and do I need to fill out other paperwork since the baby 's dead instead of alive ? I wondered how to let people know . We hadn 't figured out who would handle my work while I was on maternity leave yet . And people kept telling me not to worry about work . It would be taken care of . But finally I said , " Can I worry about work ? Will you all just let me worry about something as stupid as work ? I know it doesn 't matter right now . I know it will get worked out . I don 't care ! " I needed to worry about something that could be fixed . Something that wasn 't the fact that my sweet , perfect baby was dead out of nowhere . Something other than the fact that I had a dead person inside me . Something other than the horrifying fact that I had to give birth to her dead body . Something other than the fact that I wasn 't ever going to get to meet her or know her or raise her . My doctor came . She was so sad and sorry . She explained why I had to deliver the baby and why I couldn 't have a c - section . She told me that it wasn 't going to be quick . It could take a day or two even . My body wasn 't ready for labor . I was six weeks early and it was going to be hard to get my body ready . I had always wanted natural childbirth with no drugs . Obviously , they would have to give me medicine to induce labor , but she told me that she wanted me to have pain medication too because there was no reason I should have to have any physical pain . They could give me something in my IV to help with the pain and the anxiety and … well … I didn 't need to worry about any of it harming the baby . Then once I was further along in labor they could give me the epidural . I 'd had a lot of fear about delivery . I always thought that I 'd be fine and stronger than anyone would expect and I 'd do great . But as I got further along in my pregnancy and closer to my due date , I started to get scared . Birthing classes didn 't make me more confident , they made me more nervous . But everyone kept saying to me , " whatever happens , it doesn 't matter , cause at the end you get your baby . " Not me . Nope . I had to go through all of it for nothing . The most horrible experience . Something that science and society agree is some of the most excruciating pain a person can endure . And for most people , it 's worth it . They forget the pain and the struggle , because when it 's all over , someone hands them their beautiful , screaming , squirming , warm , cuddly , healthy , perfect , ALIVE baby . My doctor told me she wasn 't going to be able to be there for the delivery . Another doctor would come and she was wonderful . She also asked if we wanted an autopsy just in case the cause of death wasn 't obvious when the baby came out . And then she said she 'd write some prescriptions for all of the meds I would want and need . Then she left . The nurses came to start an IV . It took them four tries to get one in . I got 17 vials of blood drawn . And then they put some medicine on my cervix to help it start to dilate . I asked Ryan if he wanted me to go without the pain and anxiety meds since he couldn 't have any . I didn 't want him to be alone with this while I was all loopy and knocked out . But he said I should take them , so I did . Then we waited . During this time we asked my parents to go to our house and pick up some things for us . Ryan 's parents had arrived . I spoke to some of my closest friends to tell them that she was gone . I don 't really remember what I said to any of them . I just remember flashes . I called my best friend since childhood , Danielle or as I call her , Double , and I think she was on her lunch break . I remember her crying and asking if she could come to the hospital . I told her not to because I didn 't want her to have to miss work . As if I 'd be concerned about a few hours of missed work if this horror show was happening to her . A few minutes later I asked my mom to call her back and ask her to come . I called my college roommate , Abby . I don 't remember much of that call either , but she 's a mother and I remember telling her that I 'd have to give birth to the baby , knowing that she 'd understand , at least physically , what that meant . Later , she told me that I 'd asked her if I was going to be able to do it . I guess she promised me that I could . I spoke to my sister . My mom had already told her that our baby had died . She was crying and saying how sorry she was . She asked if I wanted her to fly out here . I told her no because I didn 't want her to miss work or spend the money to get here . Later I asked my mom to call her back and ask her to come too . I spoke to Tiffany later and she told me that everything at work was taken care of . I was in and out of a haze all that day . They 'd give me a dose of the pain killer and the anxiety medicine and I 'd go into the fog , and as it wore off I 'd be more alert until it was time for another dose . We 'd let people come in and visit and then ask them to leave . The hospital had set up the delivery room next door for our family to be close to us . My sister and brother - in - law had plane tickets from New York for the next morning . Ryan 's sister was already on a train from Nebraska due to arrive around the same time . One of the hardest things about Friday was when out of nowhere we 'd hear a brand new baby cry . At some point on Friday they started the Pitocin to help move labor along . The pain killers worked for a while and I didn 't feel much . But later that night I started to feel the contractions . It felt like there weren 't any breaks . Just non - stop contractions . And they hurt . That meant it was time for the epidural . I was terrified of the epidural . Another doctor came in to do it . He wasn 't mean , but he certainly didn 't have the bedside manner I had become accustomed to with the amazing nurses . He was all business . The nurse had Ryan stand in front of me so I could just hug him while they put the needle in my back . He held me and comforted me . It went pretty quickly . After that , I was done . I pretty much blacked out . Not that I fainted . But they laid me back on the bed and I was out . Sometimes an epidural can cause itching so I had more medicine for that . They had to put a catheter in . I got to the point where I was so relaxed they had to put an oxygen mask on me because I wasn 't breathing deeply enough on my own . But I don 't really remember any of that . In the middle of the night I remember waking up and hearing Ryan crying . I couldn 't move . I was so exhausted and on so many meds that I literally couldn 't even turn my head to comfort him . I felt so guilty that I was able to escape into sleep and he just had to sit all by himself and feel everything . He sat right there in a chair and held my hand all night . He was scared that he was going to lose me too . The next morning I woke up and was quite a bit more alert . Our parents and Double were there and they all came in to see us . Ryan 's dad had to leave to go get Ryan 's sister Carly from the train station in Denver . Even though I had the epidural and the medicine to help with the itching , I still had this spot on my foot that was itching like crazy and it was really hard to sit up and get to it . So my mom stood at the foot of the bed and itched my foot for a while . The doctor that would deliver Rylyn came in and introduced herself . She was so kind . She said that my body was really fighting labor . All night things would look like they were progressing and then just stop . Back and forth . She said that she wanted to break my water and hopefully that would get things moving . So she did . That was around 9 : 30 . A little while later , I 'm talking less than an hour later , I felt pressure . I really couldn 't feel a lot of anything , but I definitely felt pressure . I told the nurse and she checked me and said it was time . She dashed out of the room to call the doctor in and I lost it . I was grabbing on to Ryan and I kept saying , " I can 't do this ! I can 't do this ! " And again , he just held me and comforted me and told me that he knew I could . The doctor and our nurse and the head nurse came rushing in and I didn 't even look at them . I just looked at Ryan . They got everything all set up , grabbed my legs and told me to push . I did . They told me I was doing great so I just kept pushing . In what felt like seconds I felt her gush out of me . And so at 10 : 42 a . m . on Saturday , November 5th , 2011 Rylyn Charly Putnam was born dead . I had been adamant that I did not want to see her body . People kept telling me that I could hold her and take pictures of her and spend time with her . I just kept saying that there was no way I wanted to see her . At one point I had asked if she would be hideous . I was scared . I didn 't want all of these beautiful images I had imagined of her to be destroyed if she looked scary when she came out . They told me that she probably wouldn 't because she hadn 't been gone for very long . A lot of times if the baby stays in the womb for weeks after they die , they can look a little scary . But that wasn 't the case with her . So it would probably be fine . But I still didn 't want to . Ryan and I had talked about it and he was on the fence . He said he might want to see her and hold her , but that he wouldn 't make me if I didn 't . When she was born I looked away . At the same moment , Ryan and our nurse said , " She 's beautiful ! " And I said , " Give her to me ! I want to hold her ! " When they said that she was beautiful I knew that I just had to see her . I needed to hold her . They wrapped her up and gave her to me right away . They told us it was obvious what had killed her . She was completely tangled up in the umbilical cord . It was around her neck and one of her legs multiple times . Ryan had seen it when she came out , but I didn 't want to see it so they covered it with the blanket . I held her while the doctor helped me deliver the placenta , I don 't really remember doing anything . Then she had to stitch me up a little bit . I held her and Ryan held her . I gave her back to the nurse who had to take pictures of the cord and remove it . Then they gave her back to us for a few minutes . I held her tiny hand and told her that I loved her and that I was sorry . The nurse took two pictures of the three of us on Ryan 's phone . Our little family , that didn 't get to be , caught in two sad pictures . We asked the nurse to take her away and I think that 's when our family got to see her . Some of them held her and some of them didn 't . We let them come in and see us . They came back in with Rylyn 's body but after just a few more minutes we asked them to take her away . It was obvious that she wasn 't in there . It was just a shell . We didn 't want fancy pictures of her . We didn 't want her to be dressed up in clothes like a doll . She was gone . And we wanted her body to be left alone and respected . Shortly after that Ryan 's dad got back with Carly . And my sister and brother - in - law arrived too . It was such a relief to have them all there and I fell asleep . We spent a while that day waiting for the epidural to wear off . I just wanted to take a shower . But they wouldn 't let me until I could stand up and get to and from the bathroom by myself . Finally they took out my IV and let me take a shower . Ryan got in with me to help me . It was horrible . My body was hideous . I tried not to look down but it was hard not to . It was empty . I was empty . Deflated . Stretched out . Flabby . It was terrible . I was weak and sore and sad and ugly . And Ryan was scared to death that I was going to fall or somehow hurt myself . Once we were all showered they moved us to a new room . They thought it would be better for us not to be around all the new parents and babies in the birth center so they moved me over to the women 's care area . Our family helped us lug over all of our stuff . Ryan 's family went to get us some food that wasn 't hospital food . We all ate and then I think mostly everyone left . But I remember talking with my sister , Erin , and my brother - in - law , Adam for a while . They helped us push the bed over next to the window seat so that Ryan could sleep next to me . And we slept . Early Sunday morning the doctor that delivered Rylyn came in to see how I was doing . She said she was going to discharge me . She gave me a few prescriptions . Ibuprofen , Xanax , and some other , much stronger pain killer that I 've forgotten . The family all came back to help us get packed up . They put me in a wheel chair and Ryan pushed me out of the hospital . We asked Adam to drive us home in our car . Neither of us felt up to driving . I honestly have no memory of arriving home . In the other stories I 've read people talk a lot about arriving home . How painful it was to walk in without a baby in their arms . That all makes a lot of sense to me , but I don 't remember any of it . The next few days are a complete blur . Adam had to leave on Sunday afternoon . I know Carly had to leave shortly after that . Erin stayed for a while … maybe a week . Our parents were around a lot , and Double . We really only wanted to see family . I 've known Double since we were 7 years old . We met in the second grade . We 've been friends ever since . Like most lifelong friends , we 've had some ups and downs . But we 've always come through them . Double has always seemed like more than just a friend . But throughout the experience of Rylyn 's death and birth , it became glaringly clear that Double is family . She was always around . She came by every day . Somehow she always knew exactly what I needed , exactly what to say . She was and is amazing . Two days later , my milk came in . It was horrible for me emotionally . I just wanted my body to know what was happening . I wanted to scream to my body , " She died in there ! Don 't you realize ! ? ! ? ! ? We have no one to feed ! ! ! " I was disgusted by the whole thing . I kept thinking , " I can 't deal with THIS TOO ! " I think what happens to your body after giving birth is something people breeze past . Who really cares what your body is doing when you 're trying to be a new parent ? When you 're taking care of this beautiful , amazing little person , why would you think about your drooping stomach ? But when you don 't have your baby , when your baby is dead , the only thing you have is your body . Your body that held her and nourished her and grew her . Your body , which also happens to be where she died . I felt like a haunted house . Beaten up , wrecked , and abandoned because it 's creepy there . Someone DIED in there . My sister is an academic . She studies and does research professionally . Everyone wanted to help and one of the ways she found to help , was to deal with my milk . She found out exactly what needed to happen to make it as quick and painless as possible and she took care of it . We tried everything ! She had me drinking sage tea by the boatload and I was taking B6 on a schedule . She would crush sage and cabbage leaves and place them on my breasts followed by ice packs , stuffed into a sports bra . We did this every couple of hours and I wore the cabbage and ice packs all day every day for three weeks , even in the shower . The point was to stop the milk production . If the breasts get warm or stimulated the milk is expressed and more is made . It was very difficult . I was constantly cold and uncomfortable . When I 'd take the cabbage off to change it my breasts were red and wrinkly from the cold and the pressure . I wanted to stop but I was too afraid of the milk . So , the first three weeks were mostly about my breasts . We got to calling our process " boob cabbage . " It was almost an assembly line . We 'd say to the moms ( my mom and Ryan 's mom became only " the moms " ) , " Can someone prepare some boob cabbage ? " And then Ryan and I would go in the bedroom and remove what I had on and someone would come with fresh icepacks and boob cabbage and take away the old . And we 'd get my breasts re - cabbaged . We had it down to a science . Most of the first month after Rylyn 's death is a blur . I remember only little moments or little flashes of time . But I know that Ryan and I never left each other 's sight . It felt wrong to be apart . As though we would shatter without the other one nearby . I think we really were holding each other together . A week after Rylyn 's birth we had an appointment with my doctor . She wanted to see us and see how we were holding up . We got to the doctor 's office and we were both nervous . We knew that the waiting room would be filled with pregnant women and babies and it was everything we had to drag ourselves in there . I don 't know why , but I had assumed that there would be a big fat sticky note on the front of my file that read , " Stillborn alert ! ! ! " or something to that effect . When we walked up to the desk to check in , the receptionist asked for my insurance card and then asked me to fill out a bunch of paperwork . She said , " since it doesn 't look like you 've been here since March , I 'm going to need to update all of your information . Oh and I 'm going to need your $ 40 copay . " I felt like I was choking but somehow squeaked out , " I gave birth to a stillborn baby last week . " Ryan jumped in with , " can 't we just go see the doctor and she can fill this stuff out later ? " And we went and sat down . Very soon after the nurse rushed out and put us in a treatment room to wait . In the first month we watched all ten seasons of Friends . For some reason we were so comforted by it . It took our minds off things just enough , but wasn 't too stressful or too funny or too anything . It was perfect . Some people at my work had come up with a schedule to make meals for us . So almost every night Tiffany would show up with some new casserole or lasagna or pot roast . Every commercial was for baby products . Every tv show was about pregnant women or babies . Everywhere we went it felt like everyone was a baby or was holding a baby . At Target there was a huge poster with an adorable baby that said , in huge letters , " Babies are happiness . " It was exhausting . It felt like nothing was safe . But the worst thing was , silence was the most dangerous . Anytime I wasn 't being distracted , every time I closed my eyes , I would relive it . I would be back in the hospital in the exam room where they told us she was gone , or in the delivery room pushing . It even got to a point where I was reliving it from different perspectives . I 'd see it from the doctor 's perspective or the nurse 's perspective . I felt like I couldn 't escape . I couldn 't sleep because of it . I 'd be so tired that I couldn 't keep my eyes open to read or watch something , but if I closed them I 'd be back in the hospital . It felt like I was being tortured . There was no escape . I felt guilty . If only we 'd come in Thursday night when we were a little worried . But we couldn 't have saved her . If we 'd gone in the night before they might have been able to get her out alive , but she would have been brain dead and she would have had to have her leg amputated . Then we would have had to watch her die or decide to pull the plug on her . Bottom line , there was no way we could have known soon enough to save her . This was a catastrophe . Plain and simple . In a lot of ways that is comforting . I don 't have to feel guilty for the rest of my life . Ryan doesn 't have to try to forgive me for some horrible negligent thing I did to kill our baby . But at the same time , we have nothing to blame . There is nothing that I can do better next time to avoid this . There is no reason . I also had a lot of fear about what people would think or say about it . I was convinced that everyone we knew was wondering what I 'd done to kill our baby . Or speculating about how I 'd screwed it up . I felt like I 'd failed . All the doctors in the world could tell me over and over that I couldn 't have saved her , but I was 100 % responsible for taking care of her and I didn 't . She died on my watch . And I felt like everyone knew it . A couple of days after her death we had to deal with Facebook . I know it seems stupid and trivial to care about Facebook but it was a big deal to me . I had pictures from my baby shower up and I had maternity pictures up and we 'd made announcements on Facebook about being pregnant and another to say when we found out we were having a girl . I could imagine getting a note on Facebook like , " Did you have your baby yet ? " or " When 's the baby coming ? " Or worse yet , the news coming out in some horrible awkward way . So I got on Facebook . I took down all of the pictures of myself pregnant . And Ryan and my sister and I wrote a statement . Almost like a press release . It said : After 8 and 1 / 2 months of a beautiful pregnancy , our baby girl , Rylyn Charly Putnam , passed away Friday , November 4 , 2011 . That morning , Carmen didn 't feel Rylyn moving , so we went to the hospital . After monitoring , they found that the baby 's heart had been stopped for a couple of hours . After 22 hours of labor , Carmen delivered our baby on Saturday , November 5 at 10 : 42am . Upon delivery , the doctors discovered the umbilical cord wrapped around Rylyn 's neck and legs numerous times . We left the hospital Sunday , and are now at home grieving . We appreciate all your concern , love , wishes , and prayers , but we ask to grieve privately . The two of us have planned our own memorial service and there will be no further ceremonies . We would appreciate no Facebook messages , phone calls , visits , or text messages . The best way to send your love is by sending an email to Wishes @ BabyRylyn . com We actually found this to be a really great thing to have . Moving forward we and other people in our lives used this text a lot . We used it in emails to friends and family and even clients who needed to know what had happened . It was simple and straightforward . This is something that is really hard to explain . We still struggle with it . " Our baby was stillborn . " When you say that , people don 't understand . People don 't realize that that is something that still happens . It sounds like something that happened before hospitals and ultrasounds . Not something that happens in 2011 . Or they think miscarriage . We had Rylyn cremated . I remember when we went to pick up her remains , or her ashes , I don 't like either of those words . One woman said , " I 'll go get Rylyn " while another had us look over and sign the death certificate . She didn 't get a birth certificate . Just a death certificate . They brought her out and handed her to me . All of her reduced down to fit in a tiny envelope . The same size envelope as my baby shower thank you notes . Her name was printed on the front of it . It looked like the printer was running low on ink . They handed her to me . And that was it . The day Ryan and I had found out I was pregnant it was 5 : 00 a . m . on April 8th , 2011 . I had read that you have to take a pregnancy test with the first pee of the day for the most accurate results . So when I shot out of bed at 5 : 00 a . m . and had to pee , I woke up Ryan and said , " I 'm gonna take that test now . " He pulled himself out of bed too and came along . We were both pretty sure I was pregnant , but when we saw that digital screen read out " pregnant " we were elated . We were so overwhelmed with excitement . We decided to go for a drive through The Garden of the Gods and watch the sunrise . Garden of the Gods is a beautiful National Park in Colorado Springs . It 's full of amazing red rock formations , wildlife and trails . It 's only five minutes from our house . We love it there . As we drove through The Garden we were in awe thinking about this new life that we were creating and watching the sunrise over the beautiful red rocks . It was the best day of my life . So , when Rylyn died we knew right away that we would spread her ashes there at sunrise . In December we got up early , bundled up , and went to The Garden . We walked around a bit and found a nice place for her . My eyes were blurry with tears as Ryan released her ashes from the tiny envelope . And as the sun rose , we said goodbye to our sweet , adored baby Rylyn . After Rylyn 's death it took me four weeks to go into her room . We had it all set up . I 'd hung and washed her clothes . Ryan had made beautiful wooden block letters spelling out her name and had hung them over the crib . I knew that it was going to be difficult to go in there but also felt like it was something I needed to do for my healing . So , one day , Ryan and I went in . I touched everything . I sat in the rocking chair . I cried . I held her clothes . And then we packed it all up . We didn 't give anything away . We just packed it all up . We kept the furniture set up . But we took away anything that made it Rylyn 's room versus just a baby room . We have boxes of clothes that a little sister or brother can hopefully wear someday . But we also have a Rylyn box . It 's nothing fancy . Just a big plastic container that can slide under our bed . And it holds pretty much everything that was related to her short life . We have the wooden block letters in there . We have the framed ultrasound picture of her from the 20 week check - up . We have the little butterflies that we 'd hung on the wall above her changing table . It also holds everything about her death . Piles of condolence letters and cards . The packets on grief that we were given at the hospital . The little scrapbook the nurses made for us with a lock of her brown hair and her tiny footprints in black ink . There are pictures that they took of the family holding her . It 's the saddest box I 've ever seen . But I love it . And I need it . That box is the only proof I have that she existed . About a week after Rylyn 's birth , I weighed myself . The number was a lot more than I wanted it to be , especially since I 'd lost those 40 pounds before getting pregnant . I gave myself 3 weeks to just eat whatever I could get ( and keep ) down . After three weeks I started dieting hardcore . I went back on the same diet I 'd lost the weight on before and committed . I waited anxiously for my six week check up to get the go ahead to start working out . And once I did I went for that with a vengeance . As I 've mentioned , I had very serious back problems before I was pregnant so I hadn 't been a big exerciser . But the pregnancy helped with my back pain and I 've been able to work out a lot more than I could before , about four or five times a week . Three days from now will be the three month anniversary of her death . I have lost 2 . 5 pounds . When I started dieting so soon after she died people kept telling me not to worry about that . But I knew that the sooner I didn 't look like this , the sooner I 'd start to feel better . I didn 't want to look like I 'd just given birth and I was committed to working hard to change it . And three months later , I still look exactly the same . People say that stress and trauma destroy your adrenal glands , which screws with metabolism . People keep telling me to be patient ; it 'll come off when the hormones wear off . But it 's difficult for me . I feel like I 'm wearing a lead suit . It 's like the trauma of her death is tattooed on my body . Between the stretch marks and the weight , I can barely look at myself . I know a woman who had her baby two months before me . Her baby is perfect and healthy . And nine weeks postpartum she looked exactly like she did before she was pregnant . Size 0 . Flat stomach . No stretch marks . And she 's a lovely , kind person . I adore her . But I 'm jealous . She gets her baby and her body . And I get neither . There were only a handful of people in my life that were pregnant at the same time I was . But I still have a hard time with them . When I was pregnant I wished that someone really close to me would be pregnant with me . I felt lonely because the only people I knew that were pregnant were some distant Facebook friends and a couple real life friends in other cities . But after Rylyn 's death I was relieved that I didn 't have anyone in my life that I had to see or support when they had their baby . Watching one after the other have a healthy perfect baby is so hard . I don 't , in a million years , wish this on anyone . But I am jealous . I am . I am unbearably jealous that these people get their babies and I don 't . And it 's hard not to compare . It 's hard not to wonder why . The other night a friend on Facebook , that I honestly haven 't spoken to in at least ten years , announced that her water had broken and they were at the hospital . All day the next day I felt anxious and I was checking her page every ten minutes . I mean , obsessively . I didn 't know how long she would be in labor . I know that after you have a baby there are bigger things to deal with than posting on Facebook . But all day I kept thinking , " Did the baby make it ? " And I felt insane because I don 't really even know this woman anymore , but I worried about her all day with a kind of panic I can 't even describe . And I wonder if that 's how I 'll feel anytime I hear that someone in my life is pregnant or in labor , for the rest of my life . On December 20th , 2011 Ryan and I went back to see the doctor for my six week post partum check up . It completely shocked me because one of the first things she asked was , " How many friends have you lost ? " I said , " one . " And she said that was pretty good . She said that it was very common for people to lose friends or family relationships when something like this happens . Sometimes it 's because it 's too much for people to handle . Other times it because people outside of the parents don 't really understand why it 's such a big deal . It 's the idea that we " never really knew her . " The friend we lost was mine . We 'd been friends for 14 years . We did theatre together growing up and went to the same high school and college . To say we 've had a rocky relationship is an understatement . We 've been inseparable at times and sworn enemies at others . But the past few years had been incident free . I 've thought a lot about why our friendship fell apart so abruptly after Rylyn 's death and I don 't think it did . I think it began to fall apart a long time before . I think being a parent changes a person and for me that began with the positive pregnancy test . And the fact that my baby only lived inside me doesn 't mean those changes didn 't take effect . And I have people in my life who aren 't parents that understand . But I think this friend just couldn 't relate to the pregnancy or to the loss . It was so much easier six months ago when I believed that if I 'm good and kind and try hard that good things will happen . It 's sad to think that for the rest of my life I 'm changed . I 'm a woman with a dead baby . If I get pregnant again , how do I answer questions that used to be simple ? " Is this your first ? " Or even , " Aren 't you excited ? " Last time these questions had obvious answers . Next time , I have no idea what I 'll say . I 've been getting the impression lately that people are in a real rush for us to have another baby . People love to say , " Oh you 'll have another . " It feels like they think that a new baby will erase the dead one . As though we just want a baby , not any one in particular . Like the death of our child was simply a delay in the process and once we have one we 'll be happy . It 's just a bump in the road on the way to parenthood . Hopefully I will have another child that lives . But that child will not be Rylyn . Rylyn is still gone . She will never come back . And I 'm certain that we will love the next baby just as much as we love Rylyn , but not instead of her . The fact is , even if I do have a living baby , I will never feel the pure joy that a woman is supposed to feel when her child is born . I will be afraid . I will be doubtful . And I will be mourning my first child if / when I hold my second . That 's the truth . And it 's unbearably sad . One thing that I hear a lot from people is , " I don 't want to bring it up if you 're not thinking about it . " My daughter died three months ago . I 'm always thinking about it . There has yet to be a moment where I remember that she died . There were times when I was pregnant that I 'd be watching a movie and when I 'd get up I 'd remember that I was pregnant . Or times after Ryan and I got married that I 'd go to say my maiden last name and then remember , " Oh yeah , I 'm a Putnam now ! " But I have never had the luxury to forget , even for a moment that my Rylyn died . She is on my mind always . She is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night . I don 't think it 's just me either . I think mothers everywhere love to talk about their children . And just because mine isn 't here with me doesn 't mean I 'm not proud of her . She was perfect . Since Rylyn 's death a lot has changed . I quit my job and I work at home with Ryan now . After Rylyn we realized that we can do everything right , wait for the perfect time and things can still fall apart . We 've been wanting to do this for years and we kept saying eventually , eventually . And finally it was like , what the hell are we waiting for ? This is either going to work or it 's not . All we can do it take the leap and try our best . It 's now four months later and we have kept our promise to each other . We are getting through it together , as a team . We talk about her often . We never pretend it didn 't happen or that it doesn 't hurt . But we laugh together again . We even make sad dark jokes about our dead baby . Maybe it 's sick , but it helps us . Either you 're going to laugh or you 're going to cry . It 's very true that some days are easier than others . Some days I feel sick from the heaviness in my chest . Other days I feel pretty good . Some days it 's debilitating and other days it 's more of a dull ache . I have no control over what kind of day I 'll have . It just happens to me . I know that I 'll never forget Rylyn . It will never be okay with me that she 's gone . I used to believe that everything happens for a reason , but I don 't anymore . There is nothing that I could possibly learn from this that would be worth it . Any wisdom I could glean from the death of my child is trivial . I would rather have my baby . Talk to me in 20 years and we 'll see if I 've changed my tune . But for now , I just miss my Rylyn . |
So I got discharged from the hospital on 1 / 12 / 16 . D took me home and then went to the pharmacy to fill all of my prescriptions . My dad and Scuttlebutt took care of me . D came back , and then he and my dad helped me into bed . Since my dad was in the " good " guest room , D got to sleep in the second guest room . They had set up the dog crate so Scuttlebutt was not allowed in the Master Bedroom . That made me sad . D and I set up my phone to take my meds . He wrote them on paper , and I set alarms . . . as you can see , this is why he was sleeping in the other guest room . So on Wednesday , D got up and went to work . Dad started my physical therapy . D and I had tickets to Book of Mormon on 1 / 19 , and Dad decided I was going to go , since this would be the 3rd time I had tickets and still hadn 't seen the play . On top of it we had Row F Center , so they were a pretty penny . The problem ? We didn 't know if I could sit in a chair that long . That first day of " home PT " was excruciating . I had to walk down the stairs , sit in a chair for 30 minutes and listen to Dad scream at Fox News in agreement with them . I 'm not sure if the TV or the chair were more exhausting . The second set wasn 't so bad . No yelling at the TV . He helped me with my Short - Term Disability papers , figuring out what I had to sign , and what had to be filled out ( a lot had been done at the hospital , but nothing by me ) . And we made some doctor 's appointments . He also made me an egg with a tortilla . I remember Scuttlebutt getting the tortilla and half the egg , since I was full . I sort of remember talking to both of my sisters - in - law about my mother - in - law ( she had been in the hospital over Christmas ) . I remember my dad 's phone ringing a lot , and him talking in a hushed voice . And wishing I could take a shower as it now was over a week since I had one ( I don 't call the fall as a shower , since I never actually showered . ) . One of my SIL 's told me my MIL wanted yogurt and the hospital , and that 's about all I really remember . I had a lot of sleep and was in and out of it . D came home from work and looked really tired . I could hear him and my dad talk but couldn 't figure out words . They came and talked to me . D 's mom was back in the hospital , and he had to go back to Maryland . They were worried about what I would think . Looking at D 's face , all I remember thinking was that I was going to have to tell him to take a suit , just in case , and that I was upset I couldn 't go to give my MIL a hug . One of my friends , Devo stopped by . He brought me my laptop from work . I 'm not sure if hijinx were involved getting it since Devo doesn 't work at my company ( he works in the building ) . But it was good to see him . He had just lost his mother , and unfortunately I had been in the hospital for the funeral . I had wanted to go . But you know , it was rather impossible . So we spoke . . . I don 't think for long . . . again , look at all the times above for when I had to take a pain pill of some sort . Anyway , he left , and D helped me get a shower . Thursday , he left for MD . Thursday continued my physical therapy courtesy of Dad . 2 things . . . 1 ) Dad is a 2 time stroke survivor . So his reflexes are a little slow . 2 ) He complained about walking SB . The dog wouldn 't poop . Somehow I knew this was going to become an issue . D got to MD with no issue . . . his mom was re - admitted to the hospital . The dogs ' daycare got a picture of McMenamin at this point . I missed him a lot . They didn 't get one of Lompoc , which is to be expected . . . she runs no - stop . Dad and I hung out . I did laps around the main floor . I watched him clean out our cheese drawer . I watched him cut all the bags of vegetables because the bags had too much bag on them . Scuttlebutt was not allowed in the bedroom . The way he and D had positioned the dog crate to block the door , SB was miserable because he also couldn 't get into the crate . On Thursday , Dad wanted to check my back , and didn 't put close the half door , so there was space for SB to come in the room . He took his chance . He ran in and got on the bed . Dad told him to get off . He rolled over and stretched . I got him off , so then the rule became he was allowed in the room , but not on the bed . ( Since my back was open , my dad was afraid of dog hair getting into the wound ) . That didn 't last long . My friend , The Doctor ( he has an MD and PhD ) came over to bring me soup and bread . We talked for a little bit . He gave me the history of Grady hospital when I made a comment of how the middle of the hospital seemed to be " courtyard " and the sides were the rooms . He said it had to do with the fact that it used to be segregated . Since it was too expensive to have 2 ORs , they had designated times when whites and blacks could be in there . So that 's why it always felt like I was going into the " middle " of the hospital . Anyway he picked up my Short Term Disability papers so that my friend J ( his neighbor ) could fax them to different places . And then I slept . I guess it was Saturday . We had so much food , and we kept eating in the dining room since the chairs were proper for sitting in ( continuing my therapy ) . Besides the soup and bread , my friend V brought us empanadas . I did eat an empanada in bed , and there was a bone in it . I accidentally knocked the plate off the dresser , and the bone went under the bed . I had to get on the floor and get the bone before SB did . My dad was coming upstairs at the point to take a nap . He saw me " praying " at the bed . I was actually stuck trying to figure out if I could get up . I did manage . Then he gave me the vacuum and told me to clean up the rest of the mess . Man , I felt like I was 16 . My dad let me take a shower by myself , waiting outside , just in case . I saw the scars on my back and cried in horror . I thought there would be 1 incision , not 5 gashes . It was hard to handle . I managed to get myself dried off sort of , and got some clothes on . Then my dad took a nap . During that time , SB started acting out . Remember how I said he wouldn 't poop ? Yeah , this was a " take me out now " dance . So I went downstairs , sat down and got a harness on him , and a leash , and we went out . Not far , but he was able to do his thing . Then we came back . Then I got yelled at for not letting my dad know where I went . Did I say 16 ? I meant 5 . So Sunday , I made dinner for the crockpot . Then because I needed to get out , I made my dad drive me to get a bagel . We also went to the grocery store to get some more dinner . I was not allowed to use the walker because that 's what a cart is . We got back , and my friend M texted me if she could bring over some Greek Soup and Pizza ( and salad ) . Of course ! So she came to visit . It was good to see her , because it had been far too long . I showed her the scene of the crime , and we talked for awhile . She laughed that my dad checked on us to see if we needed anything . She left and I took a nap . Dad and I also walked SB . He was watching football . I was watching hockey . Our conversations were starting to take a toll . I had started talking with every sentence ending in an inflection . He kept saying , " Like Really . " D 's mom had stabilized , and was on the mend . So D came home Sunday Night . Dad and I talked about when he ( dad ) should go home . He left Monday afternoon . Before he left he checked my back because it was itching uncontrollably . He washed it out , made sure no signs of infection and put lotion on it . It made it feel better . Then he left . D went to daycare after work , and picked up Lompoc and McMenamin . I was so excited to see them . It had been 12 days . Lompoc ran into the house and just cried in happiness . Then she passed out . Lompoc sleeping on Scuttlebutt 's butt So 1 / 19 rolled around . D worked and came home . He helped me shower . At this point I had lost 12 pounds . So I put on a pair of pants that I hadn 't worn in forever . They didn 't zipper . WTF ? The only pants that fit that weren 't yoga pants were my fat jeans , which prior to the fall were loose . So they went on . I felt a little foolish wearing jeans to see a play ( a pet peeve of mine ) , while D looked nice in khakis and a dress shirt . But such is life . ( No doctor could explain how I lost weight but gained 3 inches in my waist and 1 in my hips , losing 12 pounds ) D took me to dinner at Argosy ( I wanted a hamburger and a beer ) . I hadn 't taken a pain pill since the day before , so I could have that beer . I may have been a crazy woman and had 2 beers . ( Buxton 's Sky Mountain Sour and Wicked Weed 's Cherry Go Lightly ) . And I got that burger ! I ate 1 / 4 of it . We went to the Fox for the play . Being the cheap ass that I am , I refused to let D park by the Fox . It was $ 20 . We walked ( with my walker ) for a really long time ( at Cypress Pint and Plate ) so we only had to pay $ 5 . He laughed at the fact I refused to pay $ 20 . We got to the theater , and got some soda . I took my pain pills then . Then we went and watched the show . 3rd time was a charm . 1 / 10 / 16 : I woke up at 3 : 30am . Why ? The nurses thought it would be an optimal time to give me a bath with all those anti - bacterial wipes . I posted that on Facebook , and fell back asleep until 6 when the nurse , Glenn gave me another bath . I asked her how old she was . She didn 't tell me , but seemed genuinely pleased I thought she was 25 . She said a hat hides the gray . She and I talked for a little bit and then she realized I had no idea they were prepping me for surgery . I just thought she was a neat freak and was packing all my things into a storage locker . So she let me call D who didn 't answer the phone . I was able to reach my dad and tell him I was going to surgery and then I hung up and started to cry . Glenn told me we weren 't having any of that today . Although she knew I am not religious , she grabbed my hand and prayed for me . Then I gave her the best hug that I was able to give . And they wheeled me off to the OR . Thankfully , I have no recollection of the surgery . I got out of the surgery and woke up back in my room ( or at least that 's what I remember ) . I was in horrible pain , and I felt like I was sticking to the bed . I told Doug I didn 't want any visitors . He said ok . For most of the time I was very grumpy . My roommate sounded like she was having a party on her side of the room , and a ton of people were using the bathroom ( only 2 people were allowed , and no one was allowed to use the bathroom except patients ) . D ended up getting security to kick everyone out . Most of Sunday was a blur . Thankfully , the Skins game was a blur too . Late in the day , I was taken to X - ray . Again I wasn 't really able to move , so when I was moved into this room with a bunch of stretchers and could only hear moaning , I convinced myself I was in some kind of pre - morgue setup . Then a staff member drove my stretcher into a wall , thus sending shock into my entire body . I screamed and cried and told her to get away from me . Another member ( not sure if they were nurses ) came over . I sobbed uncontrollably and she just held my hand until it was1 / 11 / 16 : For the most part I tried to just mind my own business . My roommate went home . I had some Angry Nurse that seemed ticked off that my bed was raised so high . She lowered it so basically my hands could touch the floor . D would raise it , so I could see out the window . It was also the first day that my bed could be bent so I could sit up . It felt weird . The doctor I liked the least came by with a team of medical students . At the same time , the nurses were taking my stats , and the Physical Therapy team came in . I asked the doctor if he knew anything . Since he wasn 't my surgeon and he didn 't have my X - rays , I once again told him he was useless and to get out . And if he did come back , he was not to bring the entire Medical School with him . The nurses finished taking my vitals . I did ask why I was hooked up to oxygen . They said it was to help me breathe , and in a few minutes I would understand that . So Lu and Coxe ( the nurses ) went and did some other things , and the PTs said it was time to walk . Seriously ? I haven 't been out of surgery for 24 hours and you want me to walk ? They got me out of the bed . D tied my gown , and we walked about 20 feet down the hallway and back . Then they showed me the toilet seat and we got that adjusted to my height . I think all of this took about 5 minutes . I was completely exhausted . They helped me get back in bed , and I was having trouble breathing ( out of breath , not emergency ) . They hooked me back to the oxygen . My friend J came to visit that night again while D ran to daycare to give the dogs more food . I learned to get him to help me get up to use the bathroom , and assist me , all the while staying modest ( at least I think so ) . His wife and daughter brought me flowers ( My running buddy A , if you have been reading the blog for awhile ) . I also learned how to climb stairs since that was an obstacle of going home . D came back , and they watched me eat dinner which was half a bowl of mac and cheese . I also finished Todd 's cookies , and had a chocolate milkshake . When D and J left , I was We also found out I was going to be discharged . For the most part all the nurses and staff came in to say good - bye . D came back from work . I got a new roommate . We never got her story , but something was up . She was being re - admitted , and had 2 huge suitcases . She was an older woman , and seemed in a lot of pain . D and I gave her the flowers and balloons I had , because she didn 't have the window view . She liked that a lot . Jon ( new nurse ) came in to give me all these papers . He and I went over them . He gave me his phone number in case I had questions . We talked about the toilet seat . He told me it was going to be thrown out . Then he left for about 10 minutes . I blinked my eyes , and the seat magically ended up in my bathroom at home . He came back . Then he said when Wheel Chair Services came , I was free to go home . I asked him if Lu and Glenn were there . I had already said good - bye to Coxe . I went and found them ( yes , I walked ) , and gave them big hugs for helping me stay as sane as I could . Really the West 5th Floor of Grady has some great nurses . Finally Wheel Chair Services came . They brought this almost completely plastic WC . It also pushed you forward . I told the guy not to hit any bumps . He laughed at that and the fact I was holding on for dear life . He sent D to get the car . We got out to the front of the hospital , and he and D helped me into the car , and D took me home . And thus my hospital stay was over . So on 1 / 7 , I began my hospital stay . It started with me watching hockey on the TV . With the lights on in my eyes , I didn 't sleep a lot . And the nurses came in every few hours to take my stats . Mostly I watched TV , and played on Facebook . Around 7 : 30am , D texted that he was running late . With the amount of people in my room , going over my chart and my roommate 's chart , as well as bedpans , vital checks , getting medicine , etc . , I told him there was no rush . The cafeteria brought me food . What no one realized was that I couldn 't sit up . With the food tray sitting over my head , I could basically feel my food . The first morning I had half a biscuit and a slice of bacon . When D arrived , he ate the rest of the bacon . The cafeteria lady came in and took my lunch and dinner order . She realized I couldn 't eat , and automatically ruled out any soup . The nurses mentioned surgery on Friday . When D came he brought me a smoothie from McD 's . We talked most of the morning . At 11 , the nurse said I couldn 't have any food . D went to lunch around 12 . Of course that 's when the nurses came in and said they were taking me to surgery . So a quick call to D to get him back to the room . And stupidly , I threw my contacts on the floor . So I couldn 't see anything . D got back to the room , and we wheeled down to the OR . I had just had my 3 hour dose of morphine and Percocet , when they got the call , so I was a little loopy . So the anesthesiologist started talking to me . The nurse who had yellow hair ( I didn 't have my glasses on ) put some tabs all over my torso . They were moving quite rapidly . Then the anesthesiologist asked , " When did you last eat ? " Because I had barely eaten in the past 2 days , I said , " I finished my smoothie at 11 . " There were some whispers , and then she said , " I 'm sorry but you can 't have surgery . I 'm afraid you 'll aspirate . " And she pulled off her gloves and left . Now remember I just had those meds , and I have no idea if I got more during that initial time in the OR . I also am blind as a bat . So Yellow Lady tells me a man will be by to take me back to my room . I 'm laying there for what seemed like 10 hours . Finally a man comes in the room , because I can hear his voice . I see a large black blob . So I go , " Black Man , are you here to take me to my room ? " He 's like , " Excuse me ! " I go , " Yellow Woman said you would take me to my room . " The Yellow Woman came and they talked , with me going , " We have to go to the visitors ' center to pick up the Red Man . " They both came over and asked why I was calling them colors , which was duh to me . What I didn 't realize was that Black Man was actually black dressed in all black . Anyway , they finally realized I couldn 't see , and Yellow Woman figured out the Red Man in the visitors ' center was D in the waiting room ( he had on a red sweatshirt ) . Yellow Woman and Black Man had a good laugh at me . I apologized for calling them colors . I told Black Man he 'd laugh about my craziness at happy hour , and to have a drink for me . I 'm sure he rolled his eyes . Anyway , we picked up D and were back in the room . D said that the total I was down there was 25 minutes . Like I said it was like 10 hours . The meds started wearing off when back in the room . I was angry and yelled at the nurse , Lu , to get out . Then I started to cry out of sheer frustrating . She went and got me tissues . Already knowing this was kind of serious , I was quite shocked when my dad showed up from South Carolina . That 's when I really started to get scared . I am not one to google medical things anymore , and I still don 't know where I got surgery in my back , but seeing my dad scared me a lot . He is a 2 time stroke survivor and doesn 't like to drive in Atlanta , so this was big . We had a doctor come in . He talked to D and my dad , since everyone had long figured out , I didn 't really care about much , as long as I had my medicine . D went to the McDonald 's next to the hospital and got me another smoothie . Mostly my dad and he were as bored as I was . My friend from A Well Fed Life sent me flowers . And we waited . Lu came back and said that I may get surgery on Friday , so they would stop foods at midnight . Since I wasn 't eating much anyway , it was more like 9pm , which is when D and my dad left . 1 / 8 : The next day they came back with another smoothie . They stayed about 90 minutes , when my dad said he was going to be sick . So D took my dad home , and took 2 of the dogs to daycare . A new nurse Glenn said I wasn 't going to get surgery today . I really missed my dogs . Later in the day , D came back . My friend J texted me asking what I wanted for dinner . I told him a McDonald 's Double Cheeseburger . I think he was majorly disappointed . Of all the restaurants in Atlanta , and I pick McD 's . He obliged and got D a sandwich as well and fries . They sat with me and watched me eat a burger for about 2 hours . I really don 't know what we talked about , but I do remember that that cheeseburger was the best burger ever . Wow it was good . Hot , the cheese was gooey and pulled . Those little onions . A good amount of ketchup . Really . McDonalds at the hospital . I think D and J were amused by this . So visiting hours were over . Another awesome view ( TV and nurse extensions ) The nurse turned out my lights that night . He said it was nice to finally see me sleeping . I knew D would be late on Saturday because it was My Friend 's Growler Shop 's 2nd Anniversary . I had asked him to go and get some beer ( not for that day ) but for the future . 1 / 9 : So I was left to my own devices for awhile . ( again , I might be out of order on things ) . Now during all this time , I was on a bedpan . So I had to call someone whenever I needed to pee ( being on that much pain medicine and not eating , I didn 't need to do anything else ) . The nurses always left their extensions written on my wall , but I really couldn 't figure out why . There was just the " Call " button . That Saturday seemed to be an " every hour on the hour " type of day . It was to the point the call would go into the nurse 's station , and they 'd just ignore it . So finally about to wet my bed at one point this lady comes in . I was like " Thank God ! " and pointed to the bedpan . She did it with no objection and cleaned everything . Then she introduced herself as the Director of the Floor . We chatted and she asked how things could be improved and I told her that her nurses could answer my need to pee a little more fast . That 's when she noticed I didn 't have a phone in the wall . The jack had been stolen . It occurred to me , she probably hadn 't changed a bedpan in a few years . She smiled , and we talked about my lack of appetite , and I showed her pictures of my dogs . Then she left . About 20 minutes later , a technician came in and hooked up a jack and a phone . Nurse Lu and Nurse Glenn both apologized that they hadn 't realized I didn 't have a phone . It was ok . At least I never wet the bed . D texted me pictures . Scuttlebutt didn 't want his Christmas Collar off . SB waking up Scuttlebutt got to go to the Anniversary . He had a good time . Surgery was a no go for Saturday , and they were looking at Monday . I was getting frustrated . They had explained to my dad and D why it was getting pushed , but it was getting old ( and I was too high to understand the reasoning ) . The offers of food started coming in . I felt like a complete bitch saying , " No thank you . " It wasn 't that I didn 't want any , it was I couldn 't eat it ( and I wasn 't hungry ) . I was flat on my back and not allowed to bend my spine . So the food tray looked like this from my view . I 'm not sure when D came back to stay with me , but he did . Later in the night , my friend T came . He brought me cookies and fudge . So for the day , I ate 2 bites of a Clif bar , a tomato slice , 1 / 4 of a biscuit , a cookie , a piece of fudge and 6 Chicken Nuggets . I won 't lie that I was beginning to wonder if I was losing weight . T makes really good cookies I think I had a good conversation with T . I know we talked about beer and beer releases . D is amused that I have no idea my conversations , but I remembered the food . It was a surprise to me to see T , so it made me happy . He left probably to go to a concert ( he really likes music ) . D stayed with me until about 9 when they kicked him out . Then I went to sleep . So I finished out 2015 with my goal of breaking 40 minutes on a 5K . We had a family emergency , and D had to leave to be with his parents over Christmas , after being on a business trip . Due to the last minute nature , we couldn 't board the dogs so I stayed home . But overall we were feeling confident about running short distances , running hills , running long distances , and weight lifting . D finally got home for 2016 . On January 5th , I planned on going to the gym in the afternoon , so I shaved my legs that morning ( it 's winter and I 'm lazy ) . We have a shower room , meaning you step up on a platform , and then down into the shower . There is no door . I routinely , use the platform to shave my legs . I 'm heavy handed with shaving cream , but you know , I rinse off my legs in the center of the shower and off I go about my day . ( I 'm sure you all care about my shaving ritual ) . Well , anyway , I couldn 't find a parking space at the gym , and while circling the block twice I saw there were no treadmills anyway . So I decided I 'd go at 4 : 45am the next day . 1 / 6 4 : 45am : The alarm went off , and I laughed . I laid there until 5 : 12 . I decided to go to work . So off to the shower . I turned on the water and went to the bathroom , and undressed , weighed myself , etc . Then I stepped on the platform , and took a tiny step into the shower as I reached the rain spout to see if it was hot . I must not have rinsed the shaving cream from the day before , and it got re - wet . My foot went out , the other foot went with it and down I went . I screamed . Doug and the dogs ran in . All I could yell was , " 911 . " I could feel my legs and I could feel my arms . Somehow I curled into the fetal position . I kept screaming . I could hear Doug try to give the 911 operator directions to the house . I could hear them not finding the street despite living here for 10 years . I could hear my screams . Doug said they would be there in 4 minutes . I don 't know when he turned off the water , and I don 't know how I got my head and back up on the platform . I was laying straight out with my legs in the shower . Doug got the dogs contained , and then tried to get me dressed . He got my underwear on partially , but I couldn 't lift my butt off the platform without screaming . He tried to put a shirt on me , and I said a towel was fine . The EMTs got there and assessed me . They wanted to know if I hit my head and if I was pregnant . They did some leg / feet tests . They checked my head , because I didn 't know if I had hit it . They told me they were going to put me in a sitting position . We tried that and I may have called them a lot of colorful names . Somehow Doug and one of the EMTs managed to get a T - shirt on me . They were all concerned about getting pants on me . I was laying there in complete agony wondering what the hell . They told me we were going to stand up . I said , " Fuck " a lot . Sometimes directed at them , sometimes directed at the air . We got my underwear up , and they were still talking about pants . We managed to get into the bedroom , and I saw Scuttlebutt 's blanket that he sleeps / rolls on ( it is covered in dog hair ) . I grabbed We got to the Grady Trauma ER . I don 't know if that is different than the regular ER . In triage , they asked me my medications , put a bracelet on me , took my temperature . I remember the older EMT ( the driver and the one who held me up the most ) saying , " No wonder she wasn 't cold . " Then the younger one pushed me into the ER . He made sure the dog blanket was still wrapped , that I had my phone and charger , and he tucked my wallet under me . He also got a nurse to put a sheet on my bottom half ( today it makes sense why they wanted pants on me , back then not so much ) . He parked me under a counter where all the nurses and doctors go ( no rooms available ) . My view at Grady for awhile 6 : 15am It seemed like 5 hours had passed . A doctor redid the test to my feet , rechecked my head , and re - asked if I was pregnant . I got a pill and a tranquilizer . I had no idea what they gave me . I don 't know when D showed up but he did . I was flat on the gurney and staring at the ceiling . At one point the nurse sitting at the counter saw my hand come around the counter , because the pain was so bad that I was looking for something new to grab , because grabbing the handles of the gurney was no longer working . They gave me a Percocet . It was 8am . I had told Doug at 6 : 15 they had given me Advil . Apparently , no , they had given me a Percocet . Somewhere around that time , I was taken to X - ray . At first I was taken to a gurney waiting area . It was in an older section of the hospital , because it was really cool ( temp ) in there . It felt nice . Except the walls were old . I decided they were leaving me here and were going to film another episode of Walking Dead . Eventually , someone came and got me and I was taken to X - ray . The staff told me to hop on over to the table . Then they realized I could barely move . They were very patient . They took 3 or 4 X - rays . Then back to Doug and the counter . 9 : 00 am Now Grady is the main Trauma 1 Center in the area ( the other being Atlanta Medical Center ) . However it is also the " gunshot " hospital . So while I 'm laying by the counter , I can 't see anything ( except the ceiling ) . However , I can hear . One guy shot his eye with a bow and arrow . Something with the recoil , since he shot himself . Another guy was on his phone , and left someone the message of " When I get out of here , I 'm going after you , bitch . " On the way back from X - ray , a prisoner in leg and arm cuffs was being walked by me by a cop . I was highly entertained . Until this doctor started talking about surgery on a sebaceous cyst , that was rather large and hefty in someone 's stomach . Because I was now " under " the counter , I guess he couldn 't see me . I yelled , " Enough ! " The nurse laughed . I also learned if you become a military resident doctor , it is boring because mostly you treat STDs . I was finally moved into a room . At this point they realized Percocet was not working and they put me on morphine . The X - rays came back with something wrong at T12 . A patient advocate told me this . I have no idea what she was talking about except that where T12 was not where it hurt . I also had to find out where T12 was . It was rather confusing because I was also in Room T12 . Anyway they said I needed a CT scan . Who knows when that happened . But the same thing as the X - ray occurred , needing help . There was a lot of not breathing ( holding my breath , not dying ) and not moving and all that . Then I was back . Our friend Jim came up because D had to go walk the dogs . He hadn 't done that . Jim kept me company . ( Some events may be out of order ) . So D came back . Apparently my T12 fracture was an L1 fracture but it was old . Everyone wanted to know if I was in a car accident . I tried to remember a time I hurt my back . But I had shards of vertabrae in my spine . And something was wrong with my heart . So I called my dad . He was like " What are you talking about ? " He also said some stuff about why the hell was I in a teaching hospital . He talked to D . Somewhere around 11 they realized morphine wasn 't working and they put me on Fentanyl . That stuff was awesome . The TV was stuck on Sportcenter . It was the only channel we got . It runs in a continuous loop . It is almost as painful as breaking your back . The Patient Advocate said Neurology wanted to look at my stuff but being that everyone was in surgery , it would be awhile . Around 4pm , I asked how I was supposed to go to the bathroom . They said a bedpan . Jim and D left , and the nurse Taylor tried to get me to go . It just wasn 't going to happen . So Jim and D came back in . After all the issues with my underwear that morning , I told D that I had no idea where Taylor put them . He started laughing . The nurse eventually showed him where she had put them . but for awhile , it was highly amusing to us , that we had a Panty Thief . For the most part , D , Jim and I talked . I have no idea about what . We watched TV ( D finally stood on a chair and changed the channel ) . The nurses wouldn 't let me eat . I secretly took about 3 sips of water . We laughed at the lady who came in next to my room . She had super - glued her contact . She had put in her contact and grabbed nail glue instead of eye drops . Luckily her eye was saved because the glue was primarily on her contact . She was very concerned where in the lunchroom she had left her lunch ( I guess at work ) . Like I said , the people kept me entertained . There was someone who was watching some show that had kittens . Half the ER thought there was a kitten in the ER . By 6 , it had been 13 hours without going to the bathroom . They hooked me up to an IV . The nurse came in and asked if I could stand . I said , " No . " Apparently someone wanted me to do a Standing X - Ray . Jim left the room ( I now had on a hospital gown with no back ) , and Taylor ( the nurse ) and Doug stood me up . It was one of the first times I started to cry . The pain was unbearable . After , the Patient Advocate said I was being discharged . With no meds or brace . I started to cry . I couldn 't stand . I couldn 't even walk to the bathroom . WTF ? I asked for a second opinion . Somehow I remembered Trauma and Neurology were 2 different things ( or D or Jim did ) . The PA said she would get Neurology to read everything . Within 30 seconds 2 guys came in and did an ultrasound . They said it was for surgery . Now we were all completely confused . They left and the X - ray tech came in . He wheeled me away and told me the X - rays he was going to do . I asked why I wasn 't going to stand . So he went and checked the records . He came back and said I was correct . I was scared , because it seemed everything was going fast . His assistant was not a strong - looking woman . They decided she would take the X - rays and he would assist me standing . He was actually in my X - rays holding me up . I cried some more . He wheeled me back . It was packed in the ER . I was really glad to have a room . At this point , I 'm pretty sure there were bets on when I 'd pee . Finally at 17 hours I did . Also all the confusion of what was happening seemed to settle . The ER resident was completely wrong , and they were going to get the Neurology Attending to read my file . I wasn 't going to be discharged since I couldn 't even stand . At shift change , I got a new nurse . She was not as friendly as Taylor , but she was in ER as well ( like I said , ER and Trauma ER were different ) . It turned out she had lost 2 of 3 patients in 1 hour ( 1 was a high - speed chase idiocy , and the other 2 were bad car accidents ) . When she came to see me , you could tell she had been crying . She said I was being admitted tAl 's CL Reviews Last year D and I worked on trying to go to new ( to us ) places around town . Or places that had had repeated bad service that they stayed out of our rotations for 2 - 3 years . I think we did a good job . These are where we went , in no particular order . Some places we have returned to . A few places never need to be visited again , but for the most part we enjoyed breaking out of our rut . I 'm Al . I love to eat . I am crazy like that . I started running to counteract my eating . Little did I know , I would actually like running . So I don 't know why I haven 't posted . Mostly because I don 't have anything to talk about . Still have a job , still studying . I . . . So D and I headed up to Louisville , KY on Friday morning . Unlike past trips , this one was uneventful . The most eventful thing was that wo . . . So , I have been running . 14 times in 3 . 5 weeks . They are all pretty short runs , yet my body hasn 't been this sore in awhile . I have b . . . Training . . . I 'm in week 8 of it . Week 7 got a whopping 2 runs in . The 2nd one was the Long Run of 7 miles . It almost didn 't happen . . . So the Run with the Dogs 5K that was postponed happened yesterday . A , D and I went . We all had some difficulty in dressing since it had bee . . . |
18 September . - - I drove at once to Hillingham and arrived early . Keeping my cab at the gate , I went up the avenue alone . I knocked gently and rang as quietly as possible , for I feared to disturb Lucy or her mother , and hoped to only bring a servant to the door . After a while , finding no response , I knocked and rang again , still no answer . I cursed the laziness of the servants that they should lie abed at such an hour , for it was now ten o ' clock , and so rang and knocked again , but more impatiently , but still without response . Hitherto I had blamed only the servants , but now a terrible fear began to assail me . Was this desolation but another link in the chain of doom which seemed drawing tight round us ? Was it indeed a house of death to which I had come , too late ? I know that minutes , even seconds of delay , might mean hours of danger to Lucy , if she had had again one of those frightful relapses , and I went round the house to try if I could find by chance an entry anywhere . I could find no means of ingress . Every window and door was fastened and locked , and I returned baffled to the porch . As I did so , I heard the rapid pit - pat of a swiftly driven horse 's feet . They stopped at the gate , and a few seconds later I met Van Helsing running up the avenue . When he saw me , he gasped out , " Then it was you , and just arrived . How is she ? Are we too late ? Did you not get my telegram ? " I answered as quickly and coherently as I could that I had only got his telegram early in the morning , and had not a minute in coming here , and that I could not make any one in the house hear me . He paused and raised his hat as he said solemnly , " Then I fear we are too late . God 's will be done ! " With his usual recuperative energy , he went on , " Come . If there be no way open to get in , we must make one . Time is all in all to us now . " We went round to the back of the house , where there was a kitchen window . The Professor took a small surgical saw from his case , and handing it to me , pointed to the iron bars which guarded the window . I attacked them at once and had very soon cut through three of them . Then with a long , thin knife we pushed back the fastening of the sashes and opened the window . I helped the Professor in , and followed him . There was no one in the kitchen or in the servants ' rooms , which were close at hand . We tried all the rooms as we went along , and in the dining room , dimly lit by rays of light through the shutters , found four servant women lying on the floor . There was no need to think them dead , for their stertorous breathing and the acrid smell of laudanum in the room left no doubt as to their condition . Van Helsing and I looked at each other , and as we moved away he said , " We can attend to them later . " Then we ascended to Lucy 's room . For an instant or two we paused at the door to listen , but there was no sound that we could hear . With white faces and trembling hands , we opened the door gently , and entered the room . How shall I describe what we saw ? On the bed lay two women , Lucy and her mother . The latter lay farthest in , and she was covered with a white sheet , the edge of which had been blown back by the drought through the broken window , showing the drawn , white , face , with a look of terror fixed upon it . By her side lay Lucy , with face white and still more drawn . The flowers which had been round her neck we found upon her mother 's bosom , and her throat was bare , showing the two little wounds which we had noticed before , but looking horribly white and mangled . Without a word the Professor bent over the bed , his head almost touching poor Lucy 's breast . Then he gave a quick turn of his head , as of one who listens , and leaping to his feet , he cried out to me , " It is not yet too late ! Quick ! Quick ! Bring the brandy ! " I flew downstairs and returned with it , taking care to smell and taste it , lest it , too , were drugged like the decanter of sherry which I found on the table . The maids were still breathing , but more restlessly , and I fancied that the narcotic was wearing off . I did not stay to make sure , but returned to Van Helsing . He rubbed the brandy , as on another occasion , on her lips and gums and on her wrists and the palms of her hands . He said to me , " I can do this , all that can be at the present . You go wake those maids . Flick them in the face with a wet towel , and flick them hard . Make them get heat and fire and a warm bath . This poor soul is nearly as cold as that beside her . She will need be heated before we can do anything more . " The others were dazed at first , but as remembrance came back to them they cried and sobbed in a hysterical manner . I was stern with them , however , and would not let them talk . I told them that one life was bad enough to lose , and if they delayed they would sacrifice Miss Lucy . So , sobbing and crying they went about their way , half clad as they were , and prepared fire and water . Fortunately , the kitchen and boiler fires were still alive , and there was no lack of hot water . We got a bath and carried Lucy out as she was and placed her in it . Whilst we were busy chafing her limbs there was a knock at the hall door . One of the maids ran off , hurried on some more clothes , and opened it . Then she returned and whispered to us that there was a gentleman who had come with a message from Mr . Holmwood . I bade her simply tell him that he must wait , for we could see no one now . She went away with the message , and , engrossed with our work , I clean forgot all about him . I never saw in all my experience the Professor work in such deadly earnest . I knew , as he knew , that it was a stand - up fight with death , and in a pause told him so . He answered me in a way that I did not understand , but with the sternest look that his face could wear . Presently we both began to be conscious that the heat was beginning to be of some effect . Lucy 's heart beat a trifle more audibly to the stethoscope , and her lungs had a perceptible movement . Van Helsing 's face almost beamed , and as we lifted her from the bath and rolled her in a hot sheet to dry her he said to me , " The first gain is ours ! Check to the King ! " We took Lucy into another room , which had by now been prepared , and laid her in bed and forced a few drops of brandy down her throat . I noticed that Van Helsing tied a soft silk handkerchief round her throat . She was still unconscious , and was quite as bad as , if not worse than , we had ever seen her . " We must consult as to what is to be done , " he said as we descended the stairs . In the hall he opened the dining room door , and we passed in , he closing the door carefully behind him . The shutters had been opened , but the blinds were already down , with that obedience to the etiquette of death which the British woman of the lower classes always rigidly observes . The room was , therefore , dimly dark . It was , however , light enough for our purposes . Van Helsing 's sternness was somewhat relieved by a look of perplexity . He was evidently torturing his mind about something , so I waited for an instant , and he spoke . " What are we to do now ? Where are we to turn for help ? We must have another transfusion of blood , and that soon , or that poor girl 's life won 't be worth an hour 's purchase . You are exhausted already . I am exhausted too . I fear to trust those women , even if they would have courage to submit . What are we to do for some one who will open his veins for her ? " He handed me a telegram . - - ' Have not heard from Seward for three days , and am terribly anxious . Cannot leave . Father still in same condition . Send me word how Lucy is . Do not delay . - - Holmwood . ' Van Helsing strode forward , and took his hand , looking him straight in the eyes as he said , " A brave man 's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble . You 're a man and no mistake . Well , the devil may work against us for all he 's worth , but God sends us men when we want them . " Once again we went through that ghastly operation . I have not the heart to go through with the details . Lucy had got a terrible shock and it told on her more than before , for though plenty of blood went into her veins , her body did not respond to the treatment as well as on the other occasions . Her struggle back into life was something frightful to see and hear . However , the action of both heart and lungs improved , and Van Helsing made a sub - cutaneous injection of morphia , as before , and with good effect . Her faint became a profound slumber . The Professor watched whilst I went downstairs with Quincey Morris , and sent one of the maids to pay off one of the cabmen who were waiting . I left Quincey lying down after having a glass of wine , and told the cook to get ready a good breakfast . Then a thought struck me , and I went back to the room where Lucy now was . When I came softly in , I found Van Helsing with a sheet or two of note paper in his hand . He had evidently read it , and was thinking it over as he sat with his hand to his brow . There was a look of grim satisfaction in his face , as of one who has had a doubt solved . He handed me the paper saying only , " It dropped from Lucy 's breast when we carried her to the bath . " When I had read it , I stood looking at the Professor , and after a pause asked him , " In God 's name , what does it all mean ? Was she , or is she , mad , or what sort of horrible danger is it ? " I was so bewildered that I did not know what to say more . Van Helsing put out his hand and took the paper , saying , " Do not trouble about it now . Forget it for the present . You shall know and understand it all in good time , but it will be later . And now what is it that you came to me to say ? " This brought me back to fact , and I was all myself again . " I came to speak about the certificate of death . If we do not act properly and wisely , there may be an inquest , and that paper would have to be produced . I am in hopes that we need have no inquest , for if we had it would surely kill poor Lucy , if nothing else did . I know , and you know , and the other doctor who attended her knows , that Mrs . Westenra had disease of the heart , and we can certify that she died of it . Let us fill up the certificate at once , and I shall take it myself to the registrar and go on to the undertaker . " " Good , oh my friend John ! Well thought of ! Truly Miss Lucy , if she be sad in the foes that beset her , is at least happy in the friends that love her . One , two , three , all open their veins for her , besides one old man . Ah , yes , I know , friend John . I am not blind ! I love you all the more for it ! Now go . " " When you come back , Jack , may I have two words with you all to ourselves ? " I nodded in reply and went out . I found no difficulty about the registration , and arranged with the local undertaker to come up in the evening to measure for the coffin and to make arrangements . When I got back Quincey was waiting for me . I told him I would see him as soon as I knew about Lucy , and went up to her room . She was still sleeping , and the Professor seemingly had not moved from his seat at her side . From his putting his finger to his lips , I gathered that he expected her to wake before long and was afraid of fore - stalling nature . So I went down to Quincey and took him into the breakfast room , where the blinds were not drawn down , and which was a little more cheerful , or rather less cheerless , than the other rooms . When we were alone , he said to me , " Jack Seward , I don 't want to shove myself in anywhere where I 've no right to be , but this is no ordinary case . You know I loved that girl and wanted to marry her , but although that 's all past and gone , I can 't help feeling anxious about her all the same . What is it that 's wrong with her ? The Dutchman , and a fine old fellow he is , I can see that , said that time you two came into the room , that you must have another transfusion of blood , and that both you and he were exhausted . Now I know well that you medical men speak in camera , and that a man must not expect to know what they consult about in private . But this is no common matter , and whatever it is , I have done my part . Is not that so ? " " And I guess Art was in it too . When I saw him four days ago down at his own place he looked queer . I have not seen anything pulled down so quick since I was on the Pampas and had a mare that I was fond of go to grass all in a night . One of those big bats that they call vampires had got at her in the night , and what with his gorge and the vein left open , there wasn 't enough blood in her to let her stand up , and I had to put a bullet through her as she lay . Jack , if you may tell me without betraying confidence , Arthur was the first , is not that so ? " As he spoke the poor fellow looked terribly anxious . He was in a torture of suspense regarding the woman he loved , and his utter ignorance of the terrible mystery which seemed to surround her intensified his pain . His very heart was bleeding , and it took all the manhood of him , and there was a royal lot of it , too , to keep him from breaking down . I paused before answering , for I felt that I must not betray anything which the Professor wished kept secret , but already he knew so much , and guessed so much , that there could be no reason for not answering , so I answered in the same phrase . " Ten days ! Then I guess , Jack Seward , that that poor pretty creature that we all love has had put into her veins within that time the blood of four strong men . Man alive , her whole body wouldn 't hold it . " Then coming close to me , he spoke in a fierce half - whisper . " What took it out ? " I shook my head . " That , " I said , " is the crux . Van Helsing is simply frantic about it , and I am at my wits ' end . I can 't even hazard a guess . There has been a series of little circumstances which have thrown out all our calculations as to Lucy being properly watched . But these shall not occur again . Here we stay until all be well , or ill . " Quincey held out his hand . " Count me in , " he said . " You and the Dutchman will tell me what to do , and I 'll do it . " When she woke late in the afternoon , Lucy 's first movement was to feel in her breast , and to my surprise , produced the paper which Van Helsing had given me to read . The careful Professor had replaced it where it had come from , lest on waking she should be alarmed . Her eyes then lit on Van Helsing and on me too , and gladdened . Then she looked round the room , and seeing where she was , shuddered . She gave a loud cry , and put her poor thin hands before her pale face . We both understood what was meant , that she had realized to the full her mother 's death . So we tried what we could to comfort her . Doubtless sympathy eased her somewhat , but she was very low in thought and spirit , and wept silently and weakly for a long time . We told her that either or both of us would now remain with her all the time , and that seemed to comfort her . Towards dusk she fell into a doze . Here a very odd thing occurred . Whilst still asleep she took the paper from her breast and tore it in two . Van Helsing stepped over and took the pieces from her . All the same , however , she went on with the action of tearing , as though the material were still in her hands . Finally she lifted her hands and opened them as though scattering the fragments . Van Helsing seemed surprised , and his brows gathered as if in thought , but he said nothing . 19 September . - - All last night she slept fitfully , being always afraid to sleep , and something weaker when she woke from it . The Professor and I took in turns to watch , and we never left her for a moment unattended . Quincey Morris said nothing about his intention , but I knew that all night long he patrolled round and round the house . When the day came , its searching light showed the ravages in poor Lucy 's strength . She was hardly able to turn her head , and the little nourishment which she could take seemed to do her no good . At times she slept , and both Van Helsing and I noticed the difference in her , between sleeping and waking . Whilst asleep she looked stronger , although more haggard , and her breathing was softer . Her open mouth showed the pale gums drawn back from the teeth , which looked positively longer and sharper than usual . When she woke the softness of her eyes evidently changed the expression , for she looked her own self , although a dying one . In the afternoon she asked for Arthur , and we telegraphed for him . Quincey went off to meet him at the station . When he arrived it was nearly six o ' clock , and the sun was setting full and warm , and the red light streamed in through the window and gave more colour to the pale cheeks . When he saw her , Arthur was simply choking with emotion , and none of us could speak . In the hours that had passed , the fits of sleep , or the comatose condition that passed for it , had grown more frequent , so that the pauses when conversation was possible were shortened . Arthur 's presence , however , seemed to act as a stimulant . She rallied a little , and spoke to him more brightly than she had done since we arrived . He too pulled himself together , and spoke as cheerily as he could , so that the best was made of everything . It is now nearly one o ' clock , and he and Van Helsing are sitting with her . I am to relieve them in a quarter of an hour , and I am entering this on Lucy 's phonograph . Until six o ' clock they are to try to rest . I fear that tomorrow will end our watching , for the shock has been too great . The poor child cannot rally . God help us all . " It seems an age since I heard from you , or indeed since I wrote . You will pardon me , I know , for all my faults when you have read all my budget of news . Well , I got my husband back all right . When we arrived at Exeter there was a carriage waiting for us , and in it , though he had an attack of gout , Mr . Hawkins . He took us to his house , where there were rooms for us all nice and comfortable , and we dined together . After dinner Mr . Hawkins said , " ' My dears , I want to drink your health and prosperity , and may every blessing attend you both . I know you both from children , and have , with love and pride , seen you grow up . Now I want you to make your home here with me . I have left to me neither chick nor child . All are gone , and in my will I have left you everything . ' I cried , Lucy dear , as Jonathan and the old man clasped hands . Our evening was a very , very happy one . " So here we are , installed in this beautiful old house , and from both my bedroom and the drawing room I can see the great elms of the cathedral close , with their great black stems standing out against the old yellow stone of the cathedral , and I can hear the rooks overhead cawing and cawing and chattering and chattering and gossiping all day , after the manner of rooks - - and humans . I am busy , I need not tell you , arranging things and housekeeping . Jonathan and Mr . Hawkins are busy all day , for now that Jonathan is a partner , Mr . Hawkins wants to tell him all about the clients . " How is your dear mother getting on ? I wish I could run up to town for a day or two to see you , dear , but I dare not go yet , with so much on my shoulders , and Jonathan wants looking after still . He is beginning to put some flesh on his bones again , but he was terribly weakened by the long illness . Even now he sometimes starts out of his sleep in a sudden way and awakes all trembling until I can coax him back to his usual placidity . However , thank God , these occasions grow less frequent as the days go on , and they will in time pass away altogether , I trust . And now I have told you my news , let me ask yours . When are you to be married , and where , and who is to perform the ceremony , and what are you to wear , and is it to be a public or private wedding ? Tell me all about it , dear , tell me all about everything , for there is nothing which interests you which will not be dear to me . Jonathan asks me to send his ' respectful duty ' , but I do not think that is good enough from the junior partner of the important firm Hawkins & Harker . And so , as you love me , and he loves me , and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb , I send you simply his ' love ' instead . Goodbye , my dearest Lucy , and blessings on you . " In accordance with your wishes , I enclose report of the conditions of everything left in my charge . With regard to patient , Renfield , there is more to say . He has had another outbreak , which might have had a dreadful ending , but which , as it fortunately happened , was unattended with any unhappy results . This afternoon a carrier 's cart with two men made a call at the empty house whose grounds abut on ours , the house to which , you will remember , the patient twice ran away . The men stopped at our gate to ask the porter their way , as they were strangers . " I was myself looking out of the study window , having a smoke after dinner , and saw one of them come up to the house . As he passed the window of Renfield 's room , the patient began to rate him from within , and called him all the foul names he could lay his tongue to . The man , who seemed a decent fellow enough , contented himself by telling him to ' shut up for a foul - mouthed beggar ' , whereon our man accused him of robbing him and wanting to murder him and said that he would hinder him if he were to swing for it . I opened the window and signed to the man not to notice , so he contented himself after looking the place over and making up his mind as to what kind of place he had got to by saying , ' Lor ' bless yer , sir , I wouldn 't mind what was said to me in a bloomin ' madhouse . I pity ye and the guv ' nor for havin ' to live in the house with a wild beast like that . ' " Then he asked his way civilly enough , and I told him where the gate of the empty house was . He went away followed by threats and curses and revilings from our man . I went down to see if I could make out any cause for his anger , since he is usually such a well - behaved man , and except his violent fits nothing of the kind had ever occurred . I found him , to my astonishment , quite composed and most genial in his manner . I tried to get him to talk of the incident , but he blandly asked me questions as to what I meant , and led me to believe that he was completely oblivious of the affair . It was , I am sorry to say , however , only another instance of his cunning , for within half an hour I heard of him again . This time he had broken out through the window of his room , and was running down the avenue . I called to the attendants to follow me , and ran after him , for I feared he was intent on some mischief . My fear was justified when I saw the same cart which had passed before coming down the road , having on it some great wooden boxes . The men were wiping their foreheads , and were flushed in the face , as if with violent exercise . Before I could get up to him , the patient rushed at them , and pulling one of them off the cart , began to knock his head against the ground . If I had not seized him just at the moment , I believe he would have killed the man there and then . The other fellow jumped down and struck him over the head with the butt end of his heavy whip . It was a horrible blow , but he did not seem to mind it , but seized him also , and struggled with the three of us , pulling us to and fro as if we were kittens . You know I am no lightweight , and the others were both burly men . At first he was silent in his fighting , but as we began to master him , and the attendants were putting a strait waistcoat on him , he began to shout , ' I 'll frustrate them ! They shan 't rob me ! They shan 't murder me by inches ! I 'll fight for my Lord and Master ! ' and all sorts of similar incoherent ravings . It was with very considerable difficulty that they g " The two carriers were at first loud in their threats of actions for damages , and promised to rain all the penalties of the law on us . Their threats were , however , mingled with some sort of indirect apology for the defeat of the two of them by a feeble madman . They said that if it had not been for the way their strength had been spent in carrying and raising the heavy boxes to the cart they would have made short work of him . They gave as another reason for their defeat the extraordinary state of drouth to which they had been reduced by the dusty nature of their occupation and the reprehensible distance from the scene of their labors of any place of public entertainment . I quite understood their drift , and after a stiff glass of strong grog , or rather more of the same , and with each a sovereign in hand , they made light of the attack , and swore that they would encounter a worse madman any day for the pleasure of meeting so ' bloomin ' good a bloke ' as your correspondent . I took their names and addresses , in case they might be needed . They are as follows : Jack Smollet , of Dudding 's Rents , King George 's Road , Great Walworth , and Thomas Snelling , Peter Farley 's Row , Guide Court , Bethnal Green . They are both in the employment of Harris & Sons , Moving and Shipment Company , Orange Master 's Yard , Soho . " Such a sad blow has befallen us . Mr . Hawkins has died very suddenly . Some may not think it so sad for us , but we had both come to so love him that it really seems as though we had lost a father . I never knew either father or mother , so that the dear old man 's death is a real blow to me . Jonathan is greatly distressed . It is not only that he feels sorrow , deep sorrow , for the dear , good man who has befriended him all his life , and now at the end has treated him like his own son and left him a fortune which to people of our modest bringing up is wealth beyond the dream of avarice , but Jonathan feels it on another account . He says the amount of responsibility which it puts upon him makes him nervous . He begins to doubt himself . I try to cheer him up , and my belief in him helps him to have a belief in himself . But it is here that the grave shock that he experienced tells upon him the most . Oh , it is too hard that a sweet , simple , noble , strong nature such as his , a nature which enabled him by our dear , good friend 's aid to rise from clerk to master in a few years , should be so injured that the very essence of its strength is gone . Forgive me , dear , if I worry you with my troubles in the midst of your own happiness , but Lucy dear , I must tell someone , for the strain of keeping up a brave and cheerful appearance to Jonathan tries me , and I have no one here that I can confide in . I dread coming up to London , as we must do that day after tomorrow , for poor Mr . Hawkins left in his will that he was to be buried in the grave with his father . As there are no relations at all , Jonathan will have to be chief mourner . I shall try to run over to see you , dearest , if only for a few minutes . Forgive me for troubling you . With all blessings , 20 September . - - Only resolution and habit can let me make an entry tonight . I am too miserable , too low spirited , too sick of the world and all in it , including life itself , that I would not care if I heard this moment the flapping of the wings of the angel of death . And he has been flapping those grim wings to some purpose of late , Lucy 's mother and Arthur 's father , and now . . . Let me get on with my work . I duly relieved Van Helsing in his watch over Lucy . We wanted Arthur to go to rest also , but he refused at first . It was only when I told him that we should want him to help us during the day , and that we must not all break down for want of rest , lest Lucy should suffer , that he agreed to go . Van Helsing was very kind to him . " Come , my child , " he said . " Come with me . You are sick and weak , and have had much sorrow and much mental pain , as well as that tax on your strength that we know of . You must not be alone , for to be alone is to be full of fears and alarms . Come to the drawing room , where there is a big fire , and there are two sofas . You shall lie on one , and I on the other , and our sympathy will be comfort to each other , even though we do not speak , and even if we sleep . " Arthur went off with him , casting back a longing look on Lucy 's face , which lay in her pillow , almost whiter than the lawn . She lay quite still , and I looked around the room to see that all was as it should be . I could see that the Professor had carried out in this room , as in the other , his purpose of using the garlic . The whole of the window sashes reeked with it , and round Lucy 's neck , over the silk handkerchief which Van Helsing made her keep on , was a rough chaplet of the same odorous flowers . Lucy was breathing somewhat stertorously , and her face was at its worst , for the open mouth showed the pale gums . Her teeth , in the dim , uncertain light , seemed longer and sharper than they had been in the morning . In particular , by some trick of the light , the canine teeth looked longer and sharper than the rest . I sat down beside her , and presently she moved uneasily . At the same moment there came a sort of dull flapping or buffeting at the window . I went over to it softly , and peeped out by the corner of the blind . There was a full moonlight , and I could see that the noise was made by a great bat , which wheeled around , doubtless attracted by the light , although so dim , and every now and again struck the window with its wings . When I came back to my seat , I found that Lucy had moved slightly , and had torn away the garlic flowers from her throat . I replaced them as well as I could , and sat watching her . Presently she woke , and I gave her food , as Van Helsing had prescribed . She took but a little , and that languidly . There did not seem to be with her now the unconscious struggle for life and strength that had hitherto so marked her illness . It struck me as curious that the moment she became conscious she pressed the garlic flowers close to her . It was certainly odd that whenever she got into that lethargic state , with the stertorous breathing , she put the flowers from her , but that when she waked she clutched them close . There was no possibility of making any mistake about this , for in the long hours that followed , she had many spells of sleeping and waking and repeated both actions many times . At six o ' clock Van Helsing came to relieve me . Arthur had then fallen into a doze , and he mercifully let him sleep on . When he saw Lucy 's face I could hear the hissing indraw of breath , and he said to me in a sharp whisper . " Draw up the blind . I want light ! " Then he bent down , and , with his face almost touching Lucy 's , examined her carefully . He removed the flowers and lifted the silk handkerchief from her throat . As he did so he started back and I could hear his ejaculation , " Mein Gott ! " as it was smothered in his throat . I bent over and looked , too , and as I noticed some queer chill came over me . The wounds on the throat had absolutely disappeared . For fully five minutes Van Helsing stood looking at her , with his face at its sternest . Then he turned to me and said calmly , " She is dying . It will not be long now . It will be much difference , mark me , whether she dies conscious or in her sleep . Wake that poor boy , and let him come and see the last . He trusts us , and we have promised him . " I went to the dining room and waked him . He was dazed for a moment , but when he saw the sunlight streaming in through the edges of the shutters he thought he was late , and expressed his fear . I assured him that Lucy was still asleep , but told him as gently as I could that both Van Helsing and I feared that the end was near . He covered his face with his hands , and slid down on his knees by the sofa , where he remained , perhaps a minute , with his head buried , praying , whilst his shoulders shook with grief . I took him by the hand and raised him up . " Come , " I said , " my dear old fellow , summon all your fortitude . It will be best and easiest for her . " When we came into Lucy 's room I could see that Van Helsing had , with his usual forethought , been putting matters straight and making everything look as pleasing as possible . He had even brushed Lucy 's hair , so that it lay on the pillow in its usual sunny ripples . When we came into the room she opened her eyes , and seeing him , whispered softly , " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! " He was stooping to kiss her , when Van Helsing motioned him back . " No , " he whispered , " not yet ! Hold her hand , it will comfort her more . " So Arthur took her hand and knelt beside her , and she looked her best , with all the soft lines matching the angelic beauty of her eyes . Then gradually her eyes closed , and she sank to sleep . For a little bit her breast heaved softly , and her breath came and went like a tired child 's . And then insensibly there came the strange change which I had noticed in the night . Her breathing grew stertorous , the mouth opened , and the pale gums , drawn back , made the teeth look longer and sharper than ever . In a sort of sleep - waking , vague , unconscious way she opened her eyes , which were now dull and hard at once , and said in a soft , voluptuous voice , such as I had never heard from her lips , " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! Kiss me ! " I kept my eyes fixed on Lucy , as did Van Helsing , and we saw a spasm as of rage flit like a shadow over her face . The sharp teeth clamped together . Then her eyes closed , and she breathed heavily . Very shortly after she opened her eyes in all their softness , and putting out her poor , pale , thin hand , took Van Helsing 's great brown one , drawing it close to her , she kissed it . " My true friend , " she said , in a faint voice , but with untellable pathos , " My true friend , and his ! Oh , guard him , and give me peace ! " I went back to the room , and found Van Helsing looking at poor Lucy , and his face was sterner than ever . Some change had come over her body . Death had given back part of her beauty , for her brow and cheeks had recovered some of their flowing lines . Even the lips had lost their deadly pallor . It was as if the blood , no longer needed for the working of the heart , had gone to make the harshness of death as little rude as might be . |
Hmmm . Having vented my everything in the previous post , and feeling ever so guilty for getting it " out there " I 've done an enormous amount of housework . No change there then . . . I missed a call from hubby 's nurse earlier today and I think that compounded my feelings . Although I 'm struggling with hubby 's behaviour and temper outbursts at the moment , I 'm cross with myself because I feel like I 'm failing at the " job " I 'm supposed to be doing for him . I shouldn 't be getting upset or short tempered because of it , it is afterall his illness . I should be able to take it on the chin , to just get on with it , and not want to get a voodoo doll out ( don 't panic , I don 't have a voodoo doll ) , and I should just bite my tongue ( which I do - but sweet Jesus , I struggle with that one ) . I have thrown myself into tidying since writing my " how awful am I ? " blog of earlier this afternoon . The house smells of Lemons ( God bless that double concentrated Gel stuff that doesn 't leak and works wonders ) and I 've been around with the Jasmine Pledgey stuff , to the point where Biggey went " mummy , I can smell that now - cough , cough " . ( Note to self , infliciting substance abuse on eldest child is another strike on the " shite mother " list we 're ticking off at the moment , and whilst I only mentioned Biggey , it 's not that I don 't care about inflicting substance abuse on Middley or Littley , they weren 't here at the time . ) I 've cleaned the bathroom , although scrubbing the shower tray when the shower is on only means I 'm going to get as wet as I would have done if I was standing outside , and changed the handwash and thrown out the empty toilet roll . I 've made an apple pie and survived Middley chopping the apples without having to do any first aid , and without having to catch any fingers whilst they flew across the room - no thumbs either . I 've scrubbed the short pastry from my ring hubby gave me nearly twenty years ago , and yes , I will remember to take them off next time I 'm making pastry . So now I 'm waiting for him to come home . I 'm forgiving myself for my little ( ok . . . not so little ) blip of earlier today , and will do that terribly British stiff upper lip thingy that I 've allowed to become a pet lip and will try and drop the self pity m ' larky because afterall , there 's always other 's worse off than yourself . To them I tip my hat . You are amazing . xx I got home from cadets last night to an almighty rant . I was led into a false sense of security because he 'd rung his friend and was blethering away to him with a happy face and a jovial banter . I made him a cup of coffee and sat down . He came off the phone and blow me , it came from nowhere . I was told I do nothing , the iron is in the wrong cupboard , the cupboards haven 't been cleaned ( excuse me , I 've done nothing but clean cupboards ) and what do I do all day - nothing , that 's what I do . I didn 't even put the iron away . I finished ironing just before I went out so I left it on the bench to cool down . The cupboard hubby put the iron into was the wrong cupboard , it doesn 't even stand up in that cupboard , but it was still my fault . I just let the rant wash over me with no response . I 'm exhausted of this hatred at the moment . It 's all my fault because I was out for two hours taking them to cadets . I wasn 't here . It 's simple . He wants me out of the house yet when I am ( and it 's only those two hours a week ) he hates it . He wants me to leave him , but puts obsticles in my way to prevent it . The thought of this being the cycle within the house for years and years upsets me and the thought of him not being here at all devastates me . Being selfish ( again ) , I feel like this bloody illness called Dementia has robbed us , him , me and the girls . For what I can see , to him his rants and thoughts are rational , he has no emotional grasp of what he 's saying and how upsetting it can be . I miss him . We 've never been a lovey dovey couple , but we 've always known we love each other , shown it in other ways . There 's never been any public displays of affection , but there 's always been affection . Now there 's non . Non at all . I 'm alone , lonely even . He ignores me . He shouts , rants , mumbles but it 's the ignoring that I hate . It 's like there 's nothing there anymore , and I mean affection , not him . I miss the smiles , the twinkle in his eyes , the looks , the " in " jokes we had . I just miss him . I 'm here , but I might aswell not be . I 'm just the person who tidies and cleans and cooks , and I don 't even do that well as so many of the rants are about that . It 's funny because for all his memory fails , he knows exactly what to say to upset me . I 've changed too . I 'm not the person I was . I don 't bite back anymore . I just allow whatever he 's saying , because if I interupt or try to defend what he 's saying he just starts again . Over and over . Last night I was going to bed to get out of the way , but he decided to go first . So I stayed up a little longer . Why ? It was like he waited for me going to bed to continue the nagging . I should have gone with him because it would have gotten it over with sooner . I get up to his bad mood and I go to bed with his bad mood and it thourighly demoralises me . If I give the girls wrong for something , it 's not them that gets wrong from him , it 's me . I 'm too loud , I shouldn 't give them wrong , I shouldn 't do this , I shouldn 't do that , and all in all it 's my fault because they 're my girls and they behave just like me . If I let them away with something to avoid getting wrong from him , I get wrong from him because I 'm letting them run riot ( they don 't but go with me on this one ) , if I correct them I 'm wrong again because I 'm a " shite mother " . They hate me , they can 't stand me , they want me to leave , they want nothing to do with me , blah , blah , effing blah . Dementia doesn 't just affect the person with the illness . It affects us all . The thing I get cross with myself about this illness is that it 's not just Dementia that I can resent . I sometimes resent him and that 's wrong . It 's not him that 's making him horrid . It 's the puppet master , yet sometimes I look at hubby and really , really dislike him . I imagine Dementia sitting in the corner of it 's room giggling to itself about how it turns my emotions in on themselves , and how I ( a strong person - I like to think . . . ) allow it to . It hasn 't just devastated my husband , it 's got a hold of me and manipulates my feelings too . Thank you Dementia . They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer . Well if that 's the case , Dementia is my shadow , and I bloody hate it . Apologies for my absence . I 've been mulling things over in my head . I just don 't know where I am at the moment , and it 's very unsettling . The kitchen is done - wahoo . Yet I feel lost . He 's been lovely over the weekend , and he went out yesterday to his friend 's house . He 's there again today . This is where I get lost . Where has the conversation gone ? At least when the kitchen was being done there was a reason to talk , but that 's gone and there 's nothing . I don 't feel part of a relationship now , I 'm just here . We 've gone . He gets up in the morning , has his mumbles and off he goes . He comes home and there 's nothing . Even last night at the tea table it was head down until tea was gone and then up and on his chair . There wasn 't even any complaints about tea , which was unusual because it was pasta , and he 's not a fan of pasta . I 'm rambling , I know , and I 'm sorry ( explains the couple of days absence doesn 't it lol ) . I can talk to him and there is no response . Nothing . It 's like a brick wall . I 'm sure I heard him call me from the kitchen yesterday , but when I got there he didn 't know what I was talking about , so I must have imagined it . Am I ? Last night I resorted to " what 's the best way to get from here to there , my sister 's asking " - she was , I didn 't make it up , but having to use that as a conversation just felt sad . He spent half an hour on the laptop to prove to me that his original response was correct . It was . When he 's not home I 'm a spare part . I 'm bored - I 'm sick of housework and cleaning . There 's nothing on the tv , the dog can only handle so much walking ( as can I if I 'm completely honest ) and the girls aren 't home from school till later . I 'm looking forward to doing the ironing later - honestly , how very sad is that ? Middley suggested to me that I should tell daddy that I want the car for a couple of days so I can get out of the house ( bless her , she is sharp ) and then he can have it the rest of the time to do what he wants . That wouldn 't work though because daddy wouldn 't stick to a rota , he decides as and when and it would annoy him being told " no " . She then said , it still wouldn 't work mummy . Why ? Because daddy doesn 't like it when you 're not in the house . He looks lost . The kitchen had me half way round the bend and back again , but I was useful . When he 's not , I 'm not useful . He 's worrying again about things , and he 's looking at houses again , although he said that the kitchen wouldn 't be redecorated for another five years , so that was a relief , but he doesn 't respond to anything I 'm saying and I don 't know what he 's thinking and it frightens me . He 's restless at night time , his leg jiggling up and down , it 's doing it at the dinner table . He 's rubbing his head constantly , he 's tired but he 's not sleeping and he just seems to have withdrawn into himself a little bit . Another thing I 've noticed is that he never watches telly . It 's crap , there 's never anything on it , but the other night he put his laptop down to watch a film that he 's seen a fair few times and giggled away at some of it - something he never does . Even if it 's the funniest thing on the planet , hubby 's face wouldn 't let you know , but now there 's a giggle or a smile when watching something he 'd refuse to watch previously . He even watched Downton Abbey the other night and he refuses to do that , either being on the laptop so he doesn 't have to or on the phone so I can 't hear it . It just seems everything is a bit higgilty piggilty at the moment . Oh . Before I forget , I walked down to the shops last night with Middley and saw a woman walking her cat on a lead . Seriously . I thought I had issues . . . Last night was just lovely . He decided that he 'd had enough of doing the kitchen ( wonder why ? . . . ) and thought he 'd get the camera out to try and catch a sunset . He asked me to find out the time for the sunset at Bamburgh so that he might be able to catch the castle with the sun behind it and off we went . The girls , the dog , hubby and I arrived at Bamburgh and it was just lovely . There were a handful of people on the beach and hubby tootled off with his camera bag and tripod . To be honest , he didn 't tootle but was off like a grey hound . The girls and I walked along the beach with the dog and it was just so lovely . There were no foot prints in the sand and the only people you could see were way off to the left and way off to the right . It was lovely showing the girls places that I spent my youth ( I used to go there with a friend when we stayed at her grandparent 's caravan ) and showing them the beach we usually go to way off in the distance ( Berwick way ) and telling them that the we were at the place we can see from there when we go to our beach . The water was still warm ( ish ) for it being the North Sea and they had smiles and laughed and giggled and we got our feet wet and ran about like people posessed . I commented to them that they seemed to be enjoying themselves and that it 's the only time that I see all three of them laugh and smile at the same time , and they said yes . It is the only place where they feel like they can run about and shout and be silly without getting wrong from daddy . When hubby had done what he wanted to do he got us all into the car and took us into Seahouses . We parked up and he sent me to get some tea . We walked past shops that I used to spend my holiday money in and it brought back some lovely memories , and things I could tell the girls about . We went into a fish and chip shop and were really lucky as we were the last ones to get served . We took them back to the car and ate our fish and chips infront of the sea in the almost dark , and we 're never allowed to eat in the car . It was like the OXO advert when it 's bucketing down with rain , and I can 't reiterate enough just how lovely it was . The thing that made me smile was when Littley , in the fish and chip shop , said " Isn 't daddy lovely mummy ? " . I asked why . Her response ? " For getting us our tea after the seaside " . I just smiled and said it was lovely of daddy - even though the money for tea was coming from my purse I wasn 't going to tell her that . When we got home , the girls headed straight off to bed . Hubby and I sat in the kitchen having a coffee and I said thank you . " What for ? " said he . " For tonight . It was lovely " . " We only went for a walk on the beach Constance , it wasn 't anything major " said he . I just smiled at him . It might not have been anything major to him , but for me and the girls it was . It was a lovely something to store away and remember about daddy . It meant more to us than him , but I can live with that . Hubby and his friend got started on the splash boards after a couple of coffees . Hubby always works his way into doing things , and I think that the coffees are a way of letting him think about what he 's about to do without it looking like he 's having to think . On a good day hubby is on fire . Yesterday wasn 't really an on fire day . When hubby 's on a good day , or has a few weeks to think about something without being rushed he can solve many problems . He used to be able to do this in the time it took to drink the coffee , but not now . Now things are confusing him . Measurements are one of them . I tried to keep out of the kitchen as much as possible yesterday . It didn 't work though . I was in making coffees and lunch and holding boards and picking up off cuts and plastic sheeting and other jobs that needed to be done so they didn 't trip over anything . I had spent ages meticulously measuring spaces and board and ensuring that the two would go together and drawing a plan so that hubby could see what I was meaning rather than letting him struggle with trying to imagine it . This went swimmingly until I was out of the kitchen and a measurement was made ( not by us ) that threw the whole plan out of the window . This sent hubby into a tailspin and I was worse than whatever the worst thing you can think of is . I just stood there and took the verbal , slightly confused over what it was I was getting wrong for , and kept my mouth shut . It is very embarassing getting shouted at infront of somebody else , especially when you 're not wrong and you aren 't defending yourself . Ten minutes of getting shouted at and it dawned on me that it wasn 't one of my measurements . I looked at hubby and just pointed at friend . There was a moment of realisation flash across his face and he just nodded , smiled at me and held my hand for the briefest of moments . I took that as an apology . The next rollocking was different , and I can 't even remember what it was over - how bad is that ? Again , saying nothing I took it until the hands got waved in the air and I was told to get out . " Just get out . Get out of my sight . " So I did . I was impressed that he 'd removed me from the situation ( because he couldn 't leave ) before he got really , really cross , and he managed this crossness , calming down as soon as he 'd heated up . It turned out to be another thing neither of us were responsible for . I was worried last night about when his friend went home . If that 's how awful he 'd been infront of someone , imagine what he 'd be like without an audience . I couldn 't have been more wrong - seriously . Reading between the lines , it turned out that when I was getting shouted at it wasn 't me he was mad with , but he couldn 't shout and rant at his friend , so I got it double barrels . It got it out of his system , and " normality " resumed . The two of us sat in the kitchen , stoor as far as the eye could see , on our little bar stools trying to work out how we would rectify the measurement that I didn 't make and get us back on track . We did , and we did it between us with no shouting or arguing or huffs , snuffs or tears . It was lovely . We then , both of us , set to work to sort it out , and a couple of hours later we had done it , and it looks lovely , and we both worked together to do it . Normally , in the past , hubby and I couldn 't work together , but since starting to bite my tongue and just slowing the pace down , and even saying to him once in a while " you need to slow down , when you speed up that 's when you get confused , you spit your dummy out and it all goes wrong " , and he listens to that . We 'll have a cup of coffee and sit and think about things , even if the same thing is said over and over we 're slowing the pace down - he just doesn 't realise that 's what I 'm doing , but it 's working at the moment . So today is extractor fan day . I 'm taking deep breaths , and I shall remain calm for the duration ( hopefully ) , and by the end of the day we 'll only have the bit under the window sill to do . The light at the end of the tunnel doesn 't feel like an oncoming steam train " cue " uite so much ; o ) I was informed that I don 't do anything . Everybody knows it , they 're just too polite to say it to my face , but they all say it behind my back and he was just relaying what is said about me - that was nice of him . Isn 't it amazing how putting things away makes the kitchen look tidy ? Yes hubby , but it 's easy to put things away when there 's cupboard space for it . Previously things were on the bench because there was nowhere to put them , and that wasn 't my fault ( or his for that matter ) , but I do get cross at being told how little I do and how often I do it . My favourite telling off of the evening was at not having put the bar stool to the correct height when I got off it . I 'd put it too high . He then went around all five of them and adjusted all of them to be of the correct height ( which to me suggested the other four were out of sync , but I didn 't say anything ) and was informed that they are not to me moved . Today , whilst trying to iron and hoover ( I 'll leave dusting until later , because it 's like trying to shovel snow whilst snowing with the dust from the sawdust at the moment ) I 'm running about holding boards , measuring , making coffee , making more coffee , making lunch , holding boards again , being told I 'm effing stupid for having measured the breakfast bar splash back at the measurement he 's got it at when it shouldn 't be that size ( I would like to point out that this isn 't a measurement of mine , but one between him and his friend that I had nothing to do with ) and trying really , really hard ( and I mean really hard ) to keep my mouth shut . Even his mate has told him to calm down with me . I 'm cross because the sparky that came out yesterday drew a line on the wallpaper for where the new plug was going . The line is about a foot in length and it 's only a double socket , but how I 'm going to get it off the wallpaper without ruining the paper is another matter . I wouldn 't care , but the socket isn 't even flush on the line . I 'm cross because on the back of him doing this , I 'm going to get the blame if the wallpaper is marked from trying to get the mark off . Why don 't people think ? So there we are . Another day in the kitchen . Another sodding day . We still have the splashboard to fix to the wall , the glass splashboard to put ontop of it , the extractor fan to go up , the breakfast bar splashback to go on and the edging to trim - so not that much further forward than I was yesterday , but just that little bit closer to the finish line . . . I don 't know where to start at the minute . The kitchen debarcle continues and I see no end . Yesterday we went out to visit his mum and dad , and we ended up looking at splashbacks and extractor fans . Dear God Almighty . We ended up coming out with a wipe board for the wall ( instead of tiling it ) and a glass splash back and an extractor fan . When we got home , I meticulously worked the measurements out . I wouldn 't have minded if I 'd twigged there was a plug that was going to be in the way . Bugger . So then we have to get a sparky out to move the plug along . This is fine . So we sit and hum and haa and hum and haa and measure and remeasure and then measure again and then once more before we remeasure . Give it an hour and a bit and then he decides that he wants to do the wipe board all round the kitchen . Well not all of it , but 46cm from work surface to top of it because that 's where the cupboards end . He decides to go under the windowsill and then continue round to where the new bench ends . My heart sank . I 'm trying to work out the amount of extra board that we need and no amount of hubby helping was helping , infact it was just making my head hurt . I came out of the kitchen for a coffee and returned . I said that I thought that 46cm all the way round the kitchen would just be too much , looks wise . There 's no need for the wipe board to be where we have the tv , but . . . and here 's where my genius hit me . Why don 't we continue the depth of underneath the window sill round to where the end of the new bench ends ? Why says he . Well . There would be too much of the wipe board colour if we do it this way , and if you do it with the narrow strip it continues the colour around the kitchen without it being in your face and would be consistent , and the bonus would be that we would use a lot less of the board than doing it the other way . Bingo . I left him to ponder it , and today I 'll let him think it 's his idea , but last night I don 't think I could have taken any more . Two cupboards were taken down last night and one was moved to the other side of the kitchen . One needs to be shortened to fit in the space under the bench , but when putting the mugs and things back into the cupboard I found a mug I forgot I had . On it is photos of the girls . I looked at the mug and just cried . The pictures of the girls are of them all smiling , happy , excited , looking how children should look . It just made me cry because they were taken before any of this nightmare began . It was like being slapped in the face with a wet fish . I actually left the tea dishes for this morning ( they 're all done now , and put away lol ) but I just had to get out of the room because if I 'd stayed in there , he would have and it would have been more numbers that didn 't add up , and more numbers in different measurements and I 've measured it , and added it up and no amount of it being remeasured will give a different outcome . The tape measure is permanately attached to his hand and we 're using it all of the time , and I mean all of the time . I loved that little tape measure . It was in a tool kit that my mam bought me , but I 'm starting to loath it . The little click of the measure snapping back into it 's housing before being pulled out again to double check the number that we 've already checked . These jobs that we 're undertaking , without me realising they 're coming , are taking days and days and it 's frazzling him . He 's tired but won 't stop . The numbers don 't make sense and the thought that he 's going to cut out board just fills me with dread . The board isn 't cheap and I can 't afford for there to be any mistakes . He says that he wants to sit the plugs into the board . This would mean cutting the plug shape into the board - more measuring , and not tied to be accurate . I said that I thought that if the plugs sit on the board that it would give a better finish look wise . Hmmmm . Another idea he might have this morning . Last night he mentioned that it might be better if he gets someone he knows to come in and do it because they would have it done in less time . I was honest with him . " I think you 're right sweetheart . I 'm not trying to be cruel , but the numbers are confusing you and if you have to cut things out the pressure of getting it wrong is just going to upset and fry you . " I didn 't get shouted at . I didn 't get any insults . I just got a small smile . His eyes shone . It was as if he was saying thank you for noticing and rubbing my face in it , and for letting him get someone in to do it so that he doesn 't have the pressure . He didn 't like how I 'd organised the shelves , and I was making hard work for myself by having the rest of the cupboards organised how I had and I had no idea how to utilise space , and he 'd organise them when he got up this morning because he knew I was going to do it wrong anyway , and " no , I won 't show you how I want them done now , I 'm going to watch how you do it , and then tell you where you 've gone wrong " and I just lost the will to live . Anyhoo , it gave me the incentive to do it anyway - just to piss him off , I know it 's the wrong attitude to take , but I really couldn 't have cared less last night . It 's been a hell of a week with this kitchen and I just wanted it to be over . He got up this morning and he 's more than happy with the cupboards , except for my cookery books - he 'd have them turned the other way round , so he did , and I let him . The comment " Although why you have cookery books I don 't know , it 's not like you ever cook or bake " made me bite my tongue . He went out yesterday to cut grass and came home with a pancake pan thingy . His sister had told me that he 'd been to the Salvation Army place , and my heart sank . I 've been emptying cupboards and clearing things out , and I just knew that he 'd come home with something , and he did . So this morning I made pancakes . " Use the recipe that 's on the pancake pan thingy 's box , because I 've never liked your pancakes " . Never liked my pancakes ? Bloody hell , he certainly manages to pack away a lot of pancakes that he doesn 't like , but again , bit my tongue . " These are better than your pancakes " was the high praise I received after his third one , so it 's the recipe I shall use in future . I have found a home for the box of the pancake pan thingy so it ended well . Today is meant to be a day off ( what is a day off I hear you ask . . . Well . I don 't know . ) Whilst hoovering and dusting and cleaning the shower and dusting the skirting boards he 's had me hold the tape measure ( how I hate the tape measure ) up against the kitchen window trying to work out whether this blind or that blind from the lovely people at Argos would fit . Now to me it would be easier to take the measurement of the window and then match it to whichever blind he 's looking at , but nah . Why ? We 'll take the measurement from the blind we 're looking at and see if it fits the window . About four attempts later and we have one that fits and I was to order it . " I 've sent the reservation number to your phone hubby " says I . That went down well , no , it really did . He was happy with that . He asked me for a shopping list so that he could get some provisions whilst in the land of the shops ( never before have I been asked for a shopping list ) and off he 's tootled . Dear only knows what extras will come home from the land of the shops , but it only adds to the excitement of putting the shopping away . . . The girl 's fettle is a bit of a mixed bag today . I think it 's because hubby has been a bit uppy downy with his fettle . He 's either been lovely or he 's been shouty ( more of the latter ) and it 's confusing . A friend of hubby 's popped round yesterday to see him , but he was away cutting grass . He said he was pleased to catch me when he wasn 't home because he hasn 't been able to chat when hubby 's about , and phone calls are a pain because either hubby 's here with me , or there with him . I asked him how he found hubby at the minute and he looked at me and said he 's noticed a difference . His moods are a little bit unsettled and he 's either up or down . He mentioned that he 's repeating himself a lot and he just wasn 't sure how to respond to this . I simply said that if hubby is having a moment and loses his temper and starts to shout that he should let him finish his shout . If he doesn 't it 'll either make him more cross or he 'll start the shout from the beginning . When he 's repeating himself , just pretend it 's the first time he 's heard it because saying that he 's already said it will just upset him because he obviously can 't remember saying it previously and it won 't help anybody , him or friend . I must admit , when he left I had a bit of a weepy moment . It 's one thing noticing these things myself , wondering whether I 'm imagining it , noticing things that aren 't there or if I 'm looking for things , but when someone else mentions that they 've noticed a difference it makes it real , and that 's another little decline . It 's just cruel this illness called Dementia . Unkind and cruel . The shelves were put in , and looked amazing . That was it done - so I thought . He then had some pipes to box in , and don 't tell me that didn 't throw a cat into the pigeons . I suggested something , he disagreed . I suggested something else , he disagreed . Our neighbour came in ( God bless him - it was like walking into the Lion 's den ) and he listened to hubby , and listened to my suggestion and then said " Now don 't bite my head of here " hubby " , but I 'm going to give you my two penneth worth and it 's up to you if you listen . I see what you 're saying " hubby " , but you 've done such a good job so far , that doing what you 're planning on doing will spoil the look of it and it would be such a shame when you 've done such a great job . Why don 't you try this ? . . . ( enter my suggestion in a different mix of words ) and then it will look as good as your shelves . " A minute or two of hubby scratching his head and our neighbour 's idea was the bee 's knees . Neighbour and I looked at each other . He winked and I mouthed " thank you " . So the boxing of pipes began . The wood was cut , the saw was lost , it was found again , the screws and drill and workbench were used , the floor was covered with more sawdust , the silicone gun was moved out of the way , the spirit level was checked and then decided to be not working , the back up spirit level was used and decided to be the one that was working , and he worked away like billio and the job was done . The pipe work was covered and it looked amazing . Our neighbour went home for his supper and said he 'd see him this morning . When our neighbour went home hubby decided he 'd tidy the join in the wood with edging . He measured it out , he cut it and the two of us held it in place for the silicone to set and hold it where it was meant to be . We gave it a little while to set a little ( and had a much needed coffee ) and then shut the door . Bugger . The edging meant that the door didn 't hold it 's catch . Dear Lord , how evil in a previous life ( or even this one for that matter ) have I been that we can 't even get through putting shelves up and boxing pipes without so many major hastles along the way ? " Is your phone charged Constantly ? " , I said it was . " Put the light thingy on it and I 'll have a look " so I did . What I hadn 't realised was that hubby was going into the cupboard ( with the shelves and the boxing in place ) to see what it looked like on the inside whilst the door was shut with me holding it in place . OH MY GOD - it was like watching an octopus trying to get into a snail shell . Give him his due , he managed although the oxygen level in there must have been halved by his 6ft 6 " frame cramped into a 1 . 5ftx1 . 5ft space . He could get onto Britain 's got Talent with this skill . He went in arse first , with his legs being cowped behind him and then his arms folded around his legs . I wouldn 't have believed it if I hadn 't seen it . The only thing that disappointed me was the fact I didn 't have enough charge on my phone to take a picture of him ( gutted ) . I put the light on the phone for him and then he told me to close the door . The evil streak in me ( there it is - that answers my own " cue " uestion earlier ) did think about leaning on the door and just not moving , but I didn 't , that would have been cruel . . . He shoe horned himself out of the cupboard and we sawed a little bit off here and a little bit off there and then closed the door . We propped the door shut by screwing a screw between the door frame and the door and left it . It took half an hour to clear up the sawdust and the shed load of tools and anything else that needed to be put away and I suggested we went to bed because I was knackered . The response to that ? " I 'm too hyped up now , I can 't go to bed yet , I need to unwind a bit . Go and put on Emmerdale and Coronation Street and I 'll watch them before going to bed . " PPPPPFFFFFFTTTTT was my thought . The house was freezing because we 'd had the kitchen door open and loft hatch open ( don 't ask ) and I hadn 't been allowed to have the heating on , my nose didn 't feel like it belonged to me and even letting the dog snuggle in didn 't warm me up , he was just as cold ( maybe should have put the camouflaged top on the dog , but I 'm not that cruel ) and I had to sit and watch Emmerdale , then Coronation Street whilst wanting to go to bed because hubby can 't use the remote to find the recordings and seeing as how there were three episodes of the two programmes last night I told him I 'd stay up until the third episode started and then I was going to bed . He was happy with this . I was not . I went to bed and fell asleep almost instantly , and was woken by hubby when he came to bed and I must have been on his side . Well I wasn 't , but I was too far across for him because the dog wouldn 't have been able to fit in the middle of the bed with me how I was sleeping . Woken up and shoved along hubby and the dog got comfy and I went back to sleep . At 4 . 30am hubby got up for the loo . Hubby never used to do this , he was like a Camel , but now he does . So that was me awake from 4 . 30am until we got up . I pretended to sleep so I didn 't have to get up at 4 . 30am because we would have done if he 'd realised I wasn 't sleeping , but I eeked it out until 7 . 30am when we had a coffee and started on that bloody cupboard again . I 'm not allowed to put anything in it until lunch time and I 'm not allowed to start until he 's vetted where I 'm putting anything , but I mentioned that that would mean I couldn 't do anything today because he 's going to cut a friend 's grass , and I suggested that maybe I could put things into it , but if he didn 't like it I could change it . He agreed . So I 'm now waiting for the time allocation to come around . I might have a cup of coffee in peace before I crack the whip and get on with the monumental task , but I can thankfully say , for the moment , that I think the shelf / cupboard debarcle is over . The only thing that made me cringe was him mentioning wallpaper for the bottom of the stairs - but I 'm going to let that one tip me over the edge another day ; o ) . Lordy , yesterday was a wierd day . I knew mam was coming up yesterday , but he didn 't . She made out that she 'd just popped up the road to visit the butchers ( seriously ? ) and that she wanted to go and get some honey ( even more seriously ? ) but she came laden with meat and vegetables , and eggs so that was fine . Hubby was happy to plodder about and even sent me with mam to go and get some honey . " We 'll have lunch at 2pm " said he , " I think you 'll be back by then " and we were . I came home to find a painting in the living room that should have been in the hall way . I asked him why and he bent over his work bench giggling . Sigh . The reason he 'd moved it is because he 'd pushed too hard on the drill and the screw came out on the living room wall . Bigger sigh . He was so giggly and laughy about it that I said nothing , but honestly , if I 'd so much as scuff a skirting board with the hoover I get hell to pay . I made lunch and he stopped what he was doing . It was a lovely day yesterday and because the kitchen was full of tools I suggested we went and sat in the garden and had a picnic lunch . I wasn 't expecting him to come , but he did . Hubby and my mother have always had a rocky relationship , and I 'm not sure why . Since the diagnosis they 've gotten on better and better , and he sat and blethered away to her and it was like seeing old hubby . My mam has commented on how hubby is more like he was when we started going out together twenty years ago ( wow ) , and that this is the best they 've gotten on and she finds that staggering . I have no idea why it is , but I 'm not knocking it because for a long time it was very difficult and hard work and took the pleasure out of little visits like yesterday . Instead of hubby getting straight up to go back to the shelves he had another coffee , nattering away , and had a cookie I 'd made earlier ( chuffed with these because there 's no butter in them , and they were delicious . I 'm definitely going to make them again . ) and he nattered some more , and another coffee and he enjoyed the sunshine and he just seemed to relax . Eventually he went back to the shelves , but he 'd had a rest without realising that that 's what he was doing . Mam went , and he even commented on what a nice afternoon it had been , especially since she brought provisions lol . He went back to the shelves and I made tea . We stopped long enough for him to eat it , and you 've guessed it , he went back to the shelves . I tidied the kitchen up , doing the dishes and putting them away and we were both allowed to sit down to watch Emmerdale . He 's decided that he wants a bit of marble to lay on the bottom of the cupboard beneath the shelves . That way I can store vegetables in the cupboard and it will keep them cold . Good idea , but where I lay my hands on a slab of marble is beyond me ( research later ) . My cookery books are in the living room , waiting for their new home on the shelves inside the cupboard and he picked one up that was an engagement present . He started to read recipes , telling me what " looked handsome " and commenting on what expensive ingredients were needed for the recipes and how he 'd make some Farmhouse Pate . He couldn 't get all of the words out right and some of the mispronunciations made me smile ( not laugh at him ) , but then he started to do a funny noise before saying things wrong . It 's a funny one to try and explain , but it was like a clearing your throat with your mouth closed kind of noise . I thought he was pulling my leg but he did it a couple of times . I didn 't mention it to him , because that would have put him on the defensive and upset and annoyed him , but he 's never done that before . Today we have the shelves to finish , but I 'm not rushing him because I think he 's had enough and if I don 't push him it 'll get finished . If he gets worked up it will either be left or it 'll be with a paddy and God only knows what the end product would be like . The best of it is , when people see what he 's done they 'll all fawn over it ( justifiably so ) and go " see , there can 't be anything wrong with him if he can do things like this " . What they haven 't seen is the stress and the arguments and the paddies and the bloody hard work it 's taken to get it done . Today I 'll have to research marble . Maybe Gumtree has some on . . . ; o ) I started this blog to get things off my chest without burdening family or friends with my thoughts . It is the unashamed , brutally honest daily ramblings of how we as a family try to deal with the ups and downs of this sad illness called Dementia . It shows the laughs and it shows the tears because that 's how it happens in our house , and whilst some of it is sad , some is filled with smiles and laughter . It 's a difficult subject to read about , but I just want to let other 's in our situation know that they 're not alone . |
Oh , fizzle sticks ! Today is my first day being a secret agent . I can 't believe this day has come . It feels like it was only a couple days ago I was just meeting the applicant ; oh wait , it was . The SSAS ( Super Secret Agent Society ) make you come super quickly to get more people on the program . Right after I signed the papers , I had to start packing up . I drive to the address I got from communicating with my new boss . I get to the location , but all I see is a big , grand brick wall . I 'm so confused , I 'm starting to think Siri brought me to the wrong place , so I check the map . It says I 'm in the right place . I start getting suspicious so I step out of my car and look around . I first go to the wall . It looks like a normal brick wall . I think maybe there is a door or something to let me in , but there isn 't . After a while investigating , I am tired so I lean against the wall , and as if the wall has disappeared , I fall backwards . Now things are starting to get trippy . How on Earth did that happen ? I get up and turn around . In front of me , there is a tall building that has four big letters on it : SSAS . What I thought was a wall was actually a projector . This was probably to keep other people out . It is a secret after all . I have already wasted ten minutes so I sprint in the building . I first race to the front desk to ask where I have to be . The receptionist at the front desk has a nice blouse on and is wearing a name tag : Jamie Cullen SSAS Secretary . She has vibrant blonde hair and green eyes with speckles of gold . " Oh , hi ! I am Jamie ; you 'll see me here every day you come to work . It looks like you are in room 10 . That 's right down the hall . Good luck ! " Jamie says very energetically . " Thanks ! " I reply , now feeling a lot better . I do a little jog to the room because I 'm still late . I get to the door . I 'm actually excited to see what 's on the other side . So I turn the knob and see tables of men and women getting assigned jobs . I try to find a seat , but before I can take a step , I 'm stopped . The lady cuts me off . " I don 't care why or how you 're late , " she states as she starts walking towards me , " just never let it happen AGAIN ! " Now she is right in my face . " Yes , ma ' am ! " I say . I 'm hoping that the conversation is over , and it is because she starts walking back to the front of the room . I spot a seat , and I 'm not hesitant to sprint over to it . That has to be one of the worst ways to start a job . Still , I don 't let my stupid mistake get in my way . I learn that woman is actually my boss , Angela Morgan . She is way meaner than I thought she was going to be . It looks like Angela has an assistant , who is very short and extremely pretty . She seems very nice , though she doesn 't talk the whole time . Finally , it is time for break . Everyone is headed to the vending machine , but I brought my own lunch and sit at the tables . It seems like I am the only one that has brought a lunch and I feel really dumb for bringing one . No one sits with me at lunch and everyone is pretty ignorant to me , which I personally thought was unadult - like . It is almost the end of break when I am finishing up my sandwich . Then , out of nowhere , there is a loud noise that is not pleasant and could kill my ear drums accompanied by a red radiant light coming . I practically fall out of my chair because of how unprepared I am for this . I see everyone running back to the room so I get up and follow . When we get to the room , we find Angela 's assistant and Angela fighting . Half the people are helping Angela , while the other half are fighting the assistant . Okay , hold up . So the sweet pretty assistant is now the villain ! How ? I can 't believe this , but I am scared , really scared . I hide behind the door . I can see through the little crack . The assistant has zapped everybody with a cold gun except Angela . " Oh , Angela , I 've been working with you for 22 years ! And all you 've ever done is treat me like I 'm trash . And I 'm sick of all of it . So the only reason why I didn 't zap you yet is because I 'm gonna keep you in my lab to suffer ! " the assistant rants very angrily . I have to stop hiding ; this was urgent . I have to go fight . I can 't let the villain win . I look for a weapon and right behind me I find a gun , but not a normal gun . It looks like it does something unusual . So I just go for it . I creep up behind the villain and shoot her with the gun . Nine - tenth of a second later , she was is now a pile of slime . Angela is shocked and surprised . However , I am even more surprised . Number one , because I have just saved my boss 's life , and two , because I have just fought my first bad guy , and last , I have turned the bad guy into a pile of slime ! , It was a Saturday morning around 10 : 30 am . My friend Emma and I were currently getting back from a dog walk . Emma and I had decided to make a confident and bold move . We decided that we were going to try to do a dog photo shoot . Emma had only gotten her dog like two weeks ago . However , we had already seen both dogs enough to know that they constantly had an urgent need to move . So , we knew this was going to be a challenge . The first thing that Emma and I did was look for a spot in my backyard that would be a cute background for our " pleasant " dogs . We agreed on the edge of my picnic table . Although , that did not go as planned . It started off when we finally had our dogs lying down together . It would have been the perfect picture , but we had to turn around for literally half a second to grab our cameras . As soon as Emma 's dog , Carson saw the camera , he started barking and squirming around . So , instead of a cute picture of two adorable dogs we had what looked like a dog version of Jaws - a very angry version . Honestly , Emma and I didn 't expect our dogs to be amazing , well - behaved dogs , but at least I was expecting a different reaction from them . The second time around , Emma and I chose a spot under the big heart sign that I have in my backyard . We decided to let the dogs choose their own poses . Unfortunately , our dogs thought they could go eat a plant so that 's what they did . I ran over to the plant that they were munching and took some pictures anyway . We called these pictures " cow faces " because they were pictures of our dogs eating grass : hilarious ! And yes , this really happened . For the next ten minutes , Emma and I continued to attempt to get our not so independent dogs to stop eating this plant . We didn 't succeed for a while , but it finally happened when I put a radiant dress on my dog , Coco . This worked because Coco was too busy trying to get the dress off to eat the plant . It had been an hour already , and Emma and I were getting frustrated . Nevertheless , the photo - shoot was not over yet . We were hesitant to try again , but we did . First , we let the dogs take a break to get some water and go to the bathroom . You might have expected that something happened right here , and if so , well , you are right . Coco and Carson were just sniffing around when this whole photo - shoot attempt turned into - well , I don 't even know how to describe it . Emma and I were just watching the dogs until we ignorantly realized that we were being watched . We noticed when we spotted a pale face behind the tree in my backyard . We were being watched by Herb , who is the tenant of the golf course . ( I live on a golf course , for real . ) My current best friend is different from everyone else ; however , we are similar individuals . When she first came into my swim team , I was very hesitant to get to know her . However with her consistent willingness to swim next to me in my lane , she became a very significant figure in my life . We started to make the best out of every swim practice with her vibrant character , playfully jumping on each other to drown one another creating a very urgent desire to come up for a breath . At first her harassment of pulling on my foot to stop me from swimming in order to be ahead of me came off as a ignorant characteristic , I became fond of my new teammate . Her independent personality was only one of the amazing traits she posses . The other qualities that make her so pleasant is her sense of confidence . Basil grunted and stomped off . He kicked up some dust while he walked . He felt his mothers presence drift away and he sighed . Maybe his father would let him go on a scout into the lion territory . Basil bounded off to his father . Basil accepted the response and backed away into the herd . Quickly , another zebra rammed into Basil by accident . This is going to be a long day , thought Basil . The herd started to scatter , sounds of zebra hooves stomping the ground filled the air with clouds of dust rising up . Basil was left in the middle of chaos ; he whinnied and tried to find the herd 's current . The young zebra spotted his dad battling off a small sized lioness . Her great paws swung rapidly at the strong zebra 's hind legs . It was amazing to watch but Basil realized he had more important things to do . Basil bolted in between the fury of claws and hooves . He made his way to the edge of the herd only to find that three lionesses had cut him off . Basil gave a shrill bark and scrambled to get away . The lionesses ran after him with menacing growls and roars . Basil focused on where he was going and swiftly galloped at full speed across the plain . Without knowing it , Basil 's instincts led him to another zebra . The zebra was lying in the grass , hurt . Basil sprinted over to the zebra , hoping to change the lioness 's target . It worked . The zebra 's eyes opened wide as she struggled with bolting away , she got up only to fall back down , the lionesses clawed at her and growled with glee . Basil fell back and watched the scene , regret filled his insides , and he jumped over and bucked a lioness in the ribs . The sudden attack served well , the only problem though , was that the lioness 's friend jumped at Basil . Her claw tore down Basil 's back ; he bit back the urge to call for his mother and raced away . Basil developed a plan as he ran , the lioness tore persistently after him but he kept running . If he could find a group of hyenas , maybe he could lead them to the lionesses and confuse them and the herd could get away . It was a bad plan but Basil had no other ideas . With hesitant hooves , he bounded into hyena territory . When it felt like he had run a long time , Basil looked around and found that he was alone . No lioness . A shrieking cackle filled the air . Basil looked around nervously . A hyena jumped through the brush and tackled Basil onto the grass . More hyenas filed around Basil . The zebra just hit the hyena in the face and ran . They followed after him , Good , thought Basil . He just hoped the zebra he left there was still attendant in the place he left her . Basil reached the herd with the hyenas still chasing after him ; he dashed over to a nearby lioness . Basil 's opponent looked up and gave a small whimper as the giant group of hyenas ran at her . Basil spotted the zebra on the ground , " Get up ! " The zebra hobbled to Basil with a vacant expression and Basil trumpeted a confident call to the herd . The call was of dominance , it was a call a leader would sound to their herd . Suddenly cheetahs started showing up and sprinting around the herd . In the distance he heard thumping feet of elephants , the elephants dove in the chaos with full power . " Ayden ! What 's going on in there ? Time to go we 're going to be late for your guitar lesson , " sounded an angry voice . The superintendent walked down the hallway of the school going from classroom to classroom . He walked into the first classroom to observe . However , secretly the whole school was having a party day . So when the superintendent walked into the classroom , the students and teacher covered it up . " Okay , kids ! Today we are going to learn about trees ! " the teacher said happily . Seems simple , the superintendent thought when he walked out of the classroom . Then the class went crazy with the party . The superintendent turned back around and went to peek into the classroom . The students were still learning about trees . He turned back around , and the class resumed their party . Next , the superintendent went to the sixth grade class to see what they were doing . He walked in and saw the kids working on a writing assignment . But secretly they were having a pool party ! Right when he walked out , he heard something ! He turned around as he was about to leave , and he saw a huge pool that was in the middle of the room . The superintendent woke up in a room , tied up in a chair , in an urgent and anxious mood . " Where am I ? ! ? ! " he said ignorantly . No one answered . " I 'm a resident of America , and I have rights ! Let me out of here ! " demanded the superintendent . " I 'm currently an opponent of yours ! " he yelled into the darkness . A kid walked into the room with a pleasant smile on his face . A different kid walked in , too . " What should we do with him ? " the second kid said , also smiling . " I 'll get out of here ; I 'll show you , " the superintendent said hesitantly . He was being super observant , looking around because he had a feeling that they had a camera watching him . " Just watch , " he said grinning . Eliza followed the lady into an echoing hallway . The woman 's heels made a loud clicking sound as she walked . Between every doorway , on either side of the hall , were tall , small , glass tables , each with a different , beautiful work of Chihuly art . " I am the superintendent 's assistant , " she informed Eliza . " I usually handle the more urgent matters . I also handle each resident in our local hotels . " She looked down at Eliza as if she was supposed to reply . " Well , " Eliza started , " I am the definite that I shall be your best current agent . " Eliza had already embarrassed herself encountering her first day ! " I will do my best work productively . I will prove to you that you have selected the best applicant for this position , " she added . " Ahhhh ! " someone yelled . I quickly got out of my sleeping bag to see what was going on . My family was camping for the weekend , and we set up next to a few other people , who , I guess , were pretty loud . " Wait , " said the older looking lady . " AGENT TICKLES ! " exclaimed the old lady , running to the trash picking up an orange cat . " I found ya ! I 'll never lose you again ! " " All right everybody , listen up ! " yelled assistant Coach Watson , blowing his whistle . " You guys are doing really well . I just wanted to remind you this now - as I forget things easily and might not remember at the end of practice - but the current soccer season will be ending soon . " Now , because of this , I am going to have you do something a little different … one on one games . You haven 't done these in a while , but because we just had a short break , I want you all to get back into the groove of things . There are cones outlining each goal , and now Coach Jamie will give you your partners . Thank you , " he said , stepping aside . " All right , everybody , here are your teams ! Abbie and Grace , Addison and Danielle , Kylie and … " I crossed my fingers , hoping my name would come next , " Mackenzie , " I sighed , of course it wouldn 't be me , " Faith and Sammie , and Emily and Amber . First one to five wins ! OK now , are you ready ? Go ! " I practically fell over when I heard who I was paired with . Amber ? Really ? She is super good , and she has a lot of confidence , something that I lack . This is not going to go well , I thought . I stole the ball from her and dribbled it to her goal . In the next moment , I was aware of everything . I watched my opponent 's vibrant cleats flash by , narrowly missing stealing the ball from me . There was no one blocking the goal , it was open . I took a chance and kicked the ball , and it flew neatly in between the two orange cones . I had won . Stepping out of Mom 's car , I gaze at the kid - filled blacktop . Lower grade kids chase each other until they get warned by one of the teachers , parents converse with others , and then I see my small but significant group of friends talking and laughing . I start to make my way over to them , but my teacher , Ms . McClure , is calling everyone in to start class , so I then make my way towards the classroom instead . I am confident that nothing will go wrong today . Ms . McClure seems extra observant of the class this morning to make sure no one is talking . IXL is all right in my book . It 's not like some kind of malignant disease or something , as long as we 're not doing any algebra or something . Time passes and soon enough we go out to recess for what seems like a short twenty minutes . After , we head back in for teddy bear mummies . We study some more stuff on Egypt and finally go back out for lunch . ( Yes , we are now in the current timeline again . ) My thought process is interrupted by the bell as we head out for recess . Jacob talks more about small facts of the game and surprise , surprise , I 'm listening this time . The bell rings once more as we head inside for Straight - A Conspiracy reading and writing for the rest of our time in class . It is all basically teaching you how to be the dominant alpha of your brain and something about a " RESET " button . After we fill out our planners , we head home because it is an early - release day . I am totally not looking forward to going to someone 's house to watch T . V or do homework the entire time , but if I don 't have sufficient time at my friend 's house before heading home , I might start thinking I 'm an immigrant since I have to move from one place to another . Maybe there is something to this idea of mastering your brain . Time for a RESET . " Okay , stop here , " he says out of breath . I halt and kneel on one knee . Gerald does the same . He continues , " So I have a key to the door over there - " he points to the giant oak wood doors . " They lead straight out of the castle . Then we will have to cross the glaciers of death , swim across the river of mutant flesh eating salmon , and then we 'll be home . Okay ? " The guard grunts , then starts to crank open the castle doors . Gerald shoots me a small smile . The guard finishes opening the door , then beckons us outside . As soon as the doors close behind us , we take off running . " You missing has torn a significant whole in all of all of our lives . I know this may sound surprising , but I even missed you ! " he teased . " Well , I wouldn 't say that you are a pleasant person to be around . You 're defiant and independent , but at least you are my favorite little sister ! " " I know ! That 's why I brought climbing gear ! " he says , gesturing to his satchel . He walks over to the base of the glacier and pulls out two ice axes and a rope . He ties the rope to his ankle and starts climbing the glacier . I grab onto the rope and I watch the ground slowly get farther and farther away until I can barely see it through the clouds . I look up and see that we still have a lot farther to go . What was Gerald thinking ? As we slowly approach it , the first thing I notice is the fish . Bright , neon pink scales and a set of razor sharp teeth . Instead of soothing my fear , Gerald just makes it worse . " Each bite from one of these guys has enough to kill five - hundred unicorns in thirty seconds . Aren 't they adorable ? " he exclaims . " And the current in this river is fast enough to sweep a fully grown troll downstream ! " Hello , my name is Mrs . Joll , and I am the superintendent of Kerball District . Today , I had to get my current assistant , Javier , to help me with a water leak in the storage room . As usual , when I asked Javier help , he was very very hesitant ; fortunately , after a while , he started to understand the problem and how to make the repair so he became more confident . His work was sufficient so I paid him extra . Unfortunately , a week later , the leak started again , so we again had to pay for repairs , but we spent more than we had budgeted so we had to hire an accountant . When she arrived to the office , I could tell she was an immigrant from Italy because of her accent . She was very insistent that we get a new roof for the room . It all started about two months ago . It was a hot summer , and I was sitting in my living room watching T . V . My mother had just fired my most recent babysitter because she was constantly eating , and she didn 't even have time for me ! My mother , an assistant superintendent , was late for work , but she didn 't want to leave me home alone . Because of this , my mom had already called a bunch of babysitters , but they were all busy at the current time . Despite this , my mother seemed hesitant to call the last applicant on her list to see if this person could be my babysitter for the day . " Hello ? Hello ! This is Mrs . Montgomery . Please say you are free today for babysitting . I need you urgently . I am already , late for work , " Mother stated . My mom rushed out of the room as fast as she could . Not long after , Katherine came in . She had really red hair and bold blue eyes . What I thought was weird was that she was wearing fancy pants , but her t - shirt said , " Don 't judge me ; I 'm an agent , " whatever that meant . " You have to do a backflip on the trampoline , and then run over to your opponent , the ignorant punching dummy ; do a couple of kicks , and then run back to me . If you punch the red button in under a minute and a half , you win ! " Katherine said . I started the clock . Then I began running . I did a flip on the trampoline , and all in under a minute . Then I walked over to the dummy . The first time I kicked him , I fell , but I managed to do a couple more kicks , and then I ran to the button . Three … two … I punched the button ! I won . Katherine and I yelled and screamed joyously . I 'm Amy Smith . My life was so ordinary ; I would have fallen asleep if it was a movie . My dad is an accountant ; my mom was the superintendent 's assistant . My sister , Tessie , was hesitant to do anything fun , but I was a different story . I was kind of the black sheep of the family . I loved adventure , being creative , and doing things no one else did . I was actually confident in myself . Well , until the incident anyway … . " Mom and Dad are acting weird , " Tessie said . I raised an eyebrow at her . " Weirder than usual . " I jumped out of bed . We both sneaked downstairs and peeked through a crack in the doorway to the kitchen . Mom and Dad were there making breakfast . " Hank , I think we should let Amy plan her own party ; she 's thirteen already ! " Mom exclaimed to Dad . Mom wanted to let me do something on MY OWN ? " Julie , I don 't want anything crazy . I think we should just have a nice party at home , " Dad replied . Dad actually CARES ? Something is up . My mom and dad started arguing while I thought about this . Last time this happened , I had suddenly become very observant , so much so that I took one look at the packet of sponges we got , and I could still remember what it said on there : Flungies ! Now twice as absorbent ! Tessie and I walked into the kitchen and sat down . Breakfast was sufficient , but the level of weirdness was significant . I looked at Tessie in horror . Wait a minute . ME not wanting to do anything fun or adventurous ? Something was definitely wrong . Perhaps I was gaining maturity as I headed into my teenage years . No , that couldn 't be it . Something was definitely all messed up if Tessie wanted fun and adventure , and I wanted something nice and calm ! " Boo ! " I had just scared this kid to death ! I heard screaming in the next room , and I knew we were doing a great job . We were in the sixth grade haunted house , and we were doing a sufficient job of haunting . The superintendent of schools was letting us use the science lab , which we had transformed into the haunted house . A group came in at level two , a medium scare level , and we gave them a significant scare . One group that came in was very observant , and they didn 't appear to be really scared . They were more interested in how we made the decorations . The next group that came in felt confident that they were not going to be scared , but before long , they were screaming their heads off . We got them ! The next group that came into the haunted house requested a level one , the gentlest scare level , and they were hesitant to walk in the room . They ended up freaking out at the end , though , even though we were barely trying to scare them . We were consistently frightening people , one after another . There was currently a level three , the scariest of levels , group coming in , and we had to give them the biggest scare possible . I jumped behind the curtain , and when I jumped out , the people I was scaring jumped back and almost hit the table ! I was cracking up ! A lot of people were insistent that we scared them , and they got what they wanted . I felt like we were pretty dominant haunters . We ended up making tons of money at this fund - raising event , and we all had lots of fun . It was just a normal , grueling day in class . Routinely , I flowed in a current of people . I insisted nothing was out of the ordinary until my last class of the day . " In 1787 , the Constitution was written and signed , " continued my persistent history teacher . I 'm not a significantly observant person , so when I was staring out the window , I didn 't see the small craft float down from the sky and tiny little creatures jump out . Apparently , I wasn 't the only person staring out the window because hesitantly , a student yelled , " Look ! Over there ! " and pointed to the small creatures . When my teacher was confident that he wasn 't imagining the scene , he called the superintendent and her assistant over to investigate the odd happening . The small animals hobbled along . A bigger , supposedly dominant little creature barked orders to the others . We all watched in fascination . Then , one being saw us looking at it . It started making little , high - pitched shrieking noises and pointed at us , jumping up and down all the while . Then , pandemonium broke out among them . All of the little creatures bustled back to their flying crafts , which had gathered outside , and as if they had never been there , they were gone , leaving us dumbfounded and gaping out the window in confusion . I currently am a resident of Petaluma , California . I go to a school district where the superintendent , Ms . Schoolhouse , is really nice . When she ran for the superintendent position , her opponent , Mr . Silly , was really mean . He knew that he was going to lose . So he started a mean rumor , which was really ignorant . He tried to say that Ms . Schoolhouse was indifferent to kids learning and she could care less about education . Mr . Silly said the only reason that Ms . Schoolhouse was an applicant for the superintendent position was because she wanted to be good friends with all the people in the school district . Mr . Silly said that her son was accused of stealing school computers and was a defendant in a criminal case about stealing tests to cheat with in school . People were really shocked because Ms . Schoolhouse was so nice and so was her son . Besides , his grades were not very good ; he couldn 't have stolen the tests to cheat because his grades would be better . Ms . Schoolhouse knew all about Mr . Silly and his plans to get everyone to vote for him . She was really nice and hesitant to tell everyone about the rumors he started . She decided to beat him at his own game instead of making a total fool out of him . His name was already bad enough . She called the attendant of the school and told her to check who went into the computer to steal the tests , by finding out who logged on at the time they were stolen . It turned out the computer was logged into by Mr . Silly . Instead of ruining his reputation forever , Ms . Schoolhouse sent an urgent message to Mr . Silly . All it had on it was the computer log - in screen . Mr . Silly told everyone he had made a mistake and that he had heard the rumor , and he should not have believed it . I guess you know who won the election . I was shuffling to school , praying , and most importantly , thinking . It was the year of 1960 , and the National Association for the Advancement of Color ( NAACP ) was volunteering me to participate in the integration of the New Orleans School System . I was going to be the first African American person to attend an all - white school in the south . The school was named William Franz Elementary School , and I would be the one only two black applicants and attendees of the school . Was I exited ? Of course I was ; I was six . Being black and all , I didn 't get to interact with white kids . I was also hesitant . Was the process of attending an all - white school stressful ? Yes , it was . I could remember taking a test to determine which children would be the first to attend integrated schools . My mama said six children were chosen ; however , two children chose to stay , which was kind of sad . Mama said they probably didn 't transfer because those parents were afraid their children would be discriminated against because of the color of their skin . Those mamas were right ; they would likely be discriminated against just like me . Being discriminated against was very frustrating , and I was not indifferent to it . I was pretty young , but even then , I could tell when kids , and even adults , didn 't like me . Sometimes , I would ask myself , Why did my parents send me to an all - white school when they knew I would be discriminated against ? My mama and papa had very different opinions . My papa was initially hesitant . He knew I would be bullied and teased because of my race . On the other hand , my mama felt very strongly about the move ; not only would I receive a finer education , and she would also say , " take this step forward … for all African American children . " " Ruby , c ' mon down ; it 's time for your first day of school , " bellowed my mama in a vivacious voice . " All right , Mama , just gotta get dressed , " I retorted . Hmmm , what should I wear ? I wondered to myself . I slipped on a white dress with small white flats . " So , Mama , what are we eating for breakfast , ? I gaily spoke . Back then women wore their hair in big beehives and bouffants . They were hairstyles that made you look really tall and important . I always dreamed of looking just like my mama , but being strong like my papa . I couldn 't wait ; since white children never interacted with black kids , maybe they 'd all want to play with me ! Boy , was I misguided ! Instead of playing with me , the kids started not attending the school anymore . At first , I thought they were sick and all , but as the days went by and they didn 't show up , I soon learned from the superintendent that it was because I was black , and families didn 't want their kids interacting with black people . Soon , not only kids not like me left the school , but some teachers also refused to work under " the circumstances " : a black child enrolled in the school . It seemed like everyone was an opponent of black kids in a white school . Some of these teachers were not even teaching me , but still refused to teach at the school while a black child was enrolled there . Soon , the school hired Barbara Henry , and for a whole year Barbara taught me all alone , " as if she were teaching a whole class . " Every morning , some lady would threaten to poison me . After that incident , an assistant that had to accompany me told mama about the occasion , so mama had to send me to school with food from home . Another woman at school put a black doll inside of a wooden coffin , protesting outside the school . I was six , so most of the cruel remarks I didn 't understand . But I still knew that something was up , and it wasn 't good at all . I would tell my mama about the inappropriate remarks , and she would suggest that I pray as I walked to school . For a long time , the praying worked ; it was as if all the rude remarks that were yelled at me , on my daily walks to school , were blocked out by the safety of God . Eventually , some families chose to send their children back to Franz Elementary school , despite the protests . As for my childhood , I was miserable when the protesters screeched cruel words at me , but as for now , I still live in New Orleans . For fifteen years , I worked as a travel agent . I am currently a full - time parent . I am now chair of the Ruby Bridges Foundation , which I formed in 1999 to promote " the values of tolerance , respect , and appreciation of all differences . " Childhood may have been rough , but if you fight through the evil , happiness will always prevail . There are shadows everywhere , evil , lurking shadows , obscuring the things I most desperately want to see . My eyelids are droopy , heavy like ten pounds of wet sand . Everything seems to be against me , the polished floorboards squeak under the pressure of guilt and deception that 's set upon my wiry frame . And yet , despite all of this , I feel confident for the first time , like I 'm actually going to do it ! I draw near to the door , and when I reach it , I don 't hesitate for a split second as I cross the threshold . I feel like an immigrant entering into another 's country , a stranger . It 's musty in the room , and the usual clutter of the house does not inhabit this space . Instead , there is order : neat stacks of paper , scrolls , and maps . I make haste to scurry over to the filing cabinet and pull out an old battered file labeled " Restricted , Private Property . " Just before I get a peek at the contents , the ropes are cut , and the sand bags drop , sealing away my vision … I wake up with a scowl . It 's one of those dreams , the same kind every night consistently . Only , I keep getting closer and closer to opening that blasted file , and this night I was so close ! I let go a scream of frustration . Then , out of pure persistence , I scale the stairs to the fourth floor and tug at the door . It 's the door from my dreams , which in reality is the door to my father 's study . Whenever he is home - he travels the world looking for magical devices - he always confines himself in there staring at that wretched folder like its some kind of God . But , alas , the door is locked as always ; go figure . I guess you could call me observant , but I 'm really only just a probing child trying to find an answer to her father 's queer actions . And since I 'm practically the dominant one of the house , I guess I have the right to do some poking and prodding , right ? The eerie shadows are back , only this time , I feel compressed amid the flock of them . My senses tell me that they aren 't necessarily malignant beings , but could also do some serious damage , as they possess the build and wits to do so . I 'm being rushed along , as they seem insistent that we make steady progress toward the door . Finally , I give myself to them , allowing my body to go along with it , reasoning that I have no choice , and I want to see what was in the dire file anyhow . But , as I find myself at the door , I feel my burning desire has diminished to an undersized flicker . The door moans open , and on weak legs , I journey over to the cabinet and remove the folder that has been the cause of my fire , my piece of family when Father is yet to return from one of his escapades . I trace the words of warning , fingering the worn corners , lingering , hesitant to reveal the file 's secrets . What will be awaiting me inside ? Accountant work , treasure maps , or a photo ? Then , hesitating no longer , I fling wide the cover ! What I see inside almost stops my heart . It is so … not what I expected . An old coal sketch of a beautiful young woman is portrayed on one side of the file ; a silver locket adorns her slim neck . On the opposite side are the locket , and a petite key . In curvy lettering it says , The Key to My Heart . I 'm always with you . Love , Juliet . I 'm shell - shocked , but I try to be absorbent and take it all in . I have a mother ! I jerk awake . This time I don 't take any time , I slam up the stairs and try the door . To my surprise , the knob turns willingly in my grasp , and the door opens . In a bit in a dazed state , I walk to the cabinet and remove the file once again . I take in a deep breath and flip it open . It 's the same as in my dream . Oh , my . I must have a serious talk with my dad about this . There are some secrets that must be revealed . Hi , I 'm Mrs . Anne Banks , and I am currently the superintendent of a school called Cherry Mount High School for Girls . I am very against and hesitant about having boys at my institute of learning because I think segregation between lads and lassies is quite needed for precise , indifferent education . Some call me ignorant and strict , but I am a kind , noble - hearted tenant of this school . Today , I will be sharing with you our contestant - winning lunch area . In this delightfully tasty place , we serve astounding delicacies : sushi ( made by our migrant Japanese chefs ) , freshly made pasta ( with the choice of having pesto sauce or marinara sauce ) , and many , many other exquisite entrees of the students ' choices . Another award - winning thing about our cafeteria is the splendid waiters and severs here . One of my many great assistants is named Mr . Smith . He is one of the only male workers at Cherry High , and he is quite a delightful and a good opponent for the other female headwaiters as they compete to determine who will provide the highest quality service . Our classes at this time are rather fabulous in a way no other school has beaten . For instance , the teachers are highly - trained instructors who have been qualified to educate children as well as amusing them . One well - known applicant for a job at our school this year is named Dr . Kelly Monroe , and she is a very clever twenty - three year old indeed . She now works in our marine biology lab with a joyous class of eleven , angel - like teens . The classrooms here are very well set up as well . My favorite chamber is the art classroom ; this room is full of astounding artwork made by many sweet , young artists ; another beautiful thing about this area in particular is the color of the walls and floors . The walls are in a rainbow pattern that glides across the color - filled room dividers ; the floor is butter - yellow , fluffy , divine carpeting . I hope that was enough to instill in you a feeling of wishing to be here . This school is , in fact , a perfect learning environment for girls between the ages of fourteen and eighteen . If you are interested in sending your child to this fine institution of education , please come and register now ! I once knew a friendly ACCOUNTANT , Tom . His sweet personality was ABSORBENT to new clients ! He was CONFIDENT about his job and received good pay . The accountant CONSISTENTLY helped his clients . Though his boss was utterly DOMINANT , he kept at his job with a smile on his face - whatever happened , Tom still smiled . He was my best friend when we were young . His great , great grandfather was an IMMIGRANT from Italy , and as a child , Tom 's mother would always tell him he got his INSISTENT attitude from his great , great grandfather . As a child , his parents were MALIGNANT , but Tom 's friends had always kept him going . As a teenager , Tom was very PERSISTENT . He once walked in a cornfield , and would not give up till he got out - which was three hours later . Tom was not trusting and shy at first , but once you got to know him , he was a sweet , but OBSERVANT , gentle man . Cindy was the type of mom who wanted to go late both to pick up and drop off Lizzy . What Cindy did not know was that Lizzy was a contestant in one of her school 's contests . Lizzy entered this contest because her enemy , Sue , would be her opponent . The superintendent of the Apple Valley School District would hold this friendly competition for the kids . The contest was based on their current grades and pop quizzes the students received . The contestants must also compete in a spelling bee . After staying up all night and studying , Lizzy felt indifferent about the competition the next day ; may the best person win . All of a sudden , an urgent voice came over the intercom , " Student and teachers , in five minutes we will start our academic competition . All students and teacher 's report to the gymnasium . " The competition was finally over . Lizzy loved the flowers that the superintendent had given her , but she knew that Sue wanted this achievement even more than Lizzy did . So , Lizzy grabbed the microphone and calmed everyone down . " Here you go . You should have these . You were brave , and you have a lot of courage . Those are the qualities that every person should want and need , " said Lizzy , as tears ran down her eyes . Welcome to Tara Firma Farms . My name is Gracie , and I 'm the pet pig . I 'm an immigrant and will always be a tenant here at the farm . I 'm confident I will never be turned into bacon because I am a pet . The accountant 's daughter , Rose , persistently visits my home . I am currently pen - mates with some goats . I was very observant of their behavior , so much so that I started to act like a goat , too . I 'm not like other pigs . When any of the humans call my name , I consistently reply by oinking and snorting . If you would ever like to visit me at the farm , you can contact my agent , Tara , to set up a tour of the farm . Tara is the dominant human , so she is the one in charge . You don 't want to mess with her or else you will end up like my cousin did ! Last night 's dinner was pork chops , and I 'm pretty sure poor cousin was dinner ! It was the Fourth of July , and my mom and I were on our way to get a new dog , who was a current resident of the animal shelter . We already had five dogs , and I hadn 't chosen any of the five . However , this time it was my turn to choose one ! I was so urgent in my need to pick a dog , but even so I closed my eyes and went to sleep in the car . " Erica , wake up ! We 're here . " I opened my eyes as my mom got out of the car . I got out right after her , and she noticed me mumbling names for the dog we were there to choose . She chuckled to herself as she walked into the shelter . I laughed and walked in , too . When I entered , there was a young lady , and she said , " What can I do for you today ? " When we got to the back room where the dogs were , I saw all kinds of dogs : little dogs , big dogs , dogs with long hair , and dogs with short hair . Some were so scary that I became hesitant to go over near them , but then I saw the coolest dog ever . It was a Great Dane . I said , " That 's the one . " My mom asked young lady if we could adopt the dog , but the worker was warning us about the dog 's personality . I decided to be the first applicant anyway . Although she had warned us , she told us that every potential adopter saw something in him . However , two days later , the poor Dane was returned . I didn 't listen that well , so chose him anyway , and we were allowed to take him home . When we got there , I brought him in my room and said , " I 'll name you Rover ! " At first everyone loved Rover and the name , but then he started to change . I knew he was hyper and all , but I didn 't know he was as bad as he was . When we got home , he rearranged the house , pushing around furniture , and he slobbered everywhere he would go . Besides that , once he went to my soccer game , and my opponent paid attention to Rover when he ran across the field , and at the same time , I stole the ball and made a goal . My mom talked to my coach after , and my coach said that Rover wasn 't allowed to attend another game until he was trained because Rover was ignorant when it came to soccer regulations . My dad couldn 't take the situation anymore so he took Rover back to the shelter without my permission . When I found out , I roared and cried because I missed Rover and didn 't want to be just another person who returned him to the shelter . I knew at that moment that I loved Rover with all my heart . So I packed my stuff and walked out of the house to get Rover to live on our own . My dad didn 't care and just let me run away . However , my mom was yelling for me and screaming at him , too . My dad was indifferent and couldn 't have cared less . I would always hate my dad . I started to tear up . " My dad 's a jerk , " I answered . The boy stared at me for a while and didn 't say anything until I said , " Where are my manners ? What 's your name ? " I laughed a little as we talked for about a couple hours . I saw my mom drive by in her car crying . I ran as I said , " Sorry , I have to go . " I ran really far and stopped to breathe , only to notice I was getting nowhere . So I gave up and just sat on the ground . I realized I was in front of the animal shelter . It was about to close , but I got there just in time . I ran to the back to Rover 's cage . He wasn 't there ! " He ran away a couple days ago , " said a guy sweeping the floor . Tears came down my face as I ran outside and tripped . I was crying on the ground for ten minutes when I heard a bark ! It sounded like a bark Rover would make . I called his name , but he was nowhere to be seen . At last I spotted him in the parking lot . I frolicked over . When I got there , the parking attendant said , " Have a nice day . " When I finally reached Rover , he licked my face . I was so happy to see him , and he was just as happy to see me . I remembered Zack so I took Rover 's leash and was jogging around everywhere . I finally found Zack as he was buying ice cream . I ran so hard and fast , you couldn 't see me . When I got nearer , I saw he was with this girl . I stood still as he looked over and saw me . I ran away , and he followed after , yelling , " Erica ! " After that , I had to find a hotel that would take dogs , but the superintendent of the building said I had to pay more if I brought a dog . I took a room only for a couple of days . I started to unpack and then I heard DING DONG ! The bell rang , and it was Zack at the door , explaining , " That girl is my sister 's friend . Her boyfriend dumped her , and my mom made me hang out with her . " A couple hours later , Zack called his parents to ask if Rover and I could move in with them . His mom said it was fine . Before moving in , I called my parents to tell them . My mom said , " I was worried about you . I 'm glad you and Rover found a place to live . " |
Enough about Shorty for now . It 's time to get back to my separation and Divorce from my first wife . She worked nights and I worked days . At that point we began going in separate directions . I went to the bar one evening and my wife 's cousin was sitting with two girls . When he seen me come in , he motioned for me to come over . I almost didn 't recognize him with the bars dark lighting . I was a little nervous going to a table that had two girls sitting at it , but I figured it was my wife 's cousin so why not ? I hadn 't seen her only once in the past four or five years . The last I had heard she was engaged to my old friend who was in the Army in Germany and she was pregnant . Then I heard he was out drinking and driving one super foggy night , was speeding through town and a car full of Cheerleaders from a neighboring school didn 't see the caution light . They ran through it and he broadsided them ( T boned ) I believe it was three of the cheerleaders that died . And he went to court for vehicular manslaughter . He was only in prison for a few months before being released for a re - trial . His attorney told him if he wanted to stay out of prison , he 'd better find a single girl with a child and marry her fast . He needed a ready made family . He found a girl and married her . Meanwhile , Louise was left out and then she lost the baby . She was more beautiful than ever ! I 'm sure her fiancee had to realize the great sacrifice he had made to stay out of prison . My wife 's cousin asked his girlfriend to dance and left Louise and me at the table alone . I felt very uncomfortable . About that time , my wife 's best friend walked into the bar and seen me sitting with Louise . I knew she would run back to my wife with a big story . And run with it she did ! Her best friend managed to get things going . Several nights later I went driving around all night talking and drinking with a couple friends . We stopped at the bar and their sit my wife 's cousin and his girlfriend again , plus , Louise . They invited me to sit with them . A while later , my wife walked in and dropped my wedding ring in my glass of beer , said nothing , turned around and walked out . I spent the rest of the evening dancing with Louise , going out parking with her , and then going with my two friends drinking and driving the rest of the night . When I got home that morning , my cloths were bagged up in trash bags on the back porch . I threw the bags in the back of my pickup and left . Then I drove to a friend of mine house and he told me I could stay there . His wife and him had recently separated . Seems a shame . We were teenagers trying hard to take on all the responsibilities of adults and raise our family . It seldom works out for teenagers . We were both good people , and we tried hard . I guess we just jumped into it all too fast . It didn 't take long to realize Shorty had more personality than most people , and he had his own way of communicating . I guess it would be called " Pony Sign Language . " Ears forward meant he was happy . one ear forward and one back meant he was a little displeased . If he was slightly pleased he would quietly whinny . Shorty would fight the bridles bit . He would clinch his teeth together . When the bit finally got past the teeth , he was fine with it . He didn 't like the saddles cinch around his belly too tight . When cinching him he would bloat out his belly and I would have to gently knee him until he released the excess air . Shorty was quick to make Dad and Mom 's farm his new home . In fact , we couldn 't get him to leave it . We discovered he enjoyed following Dad around behind the tractor . And it seemed to be the only way I could get him to give me a ride . One day Dad was plowing the big field behind the house . He saddled up Shorty and put his bridle on . Dad lifted me up on Shorty 's back . I was still only six and my feet wouldn 't reach the stirrups . As Dad plowed , I got a nice pony ride . The fresh plowed ground was a little rough with the sod rolled over into furrows , but Shorty went slow . On occassion he 'd put his head down and get a bite of grass that stuck up above the furrows and then he 'd continue on . We were on the far side of the field and Shorty discovered a furrow that was only half turned over and had lots of lucious grass sticking out of it . He put his head down and began munching on the delicious grass . He spent quite a while eating on it as Dad and the tractor rolled on ahead . Suddenly , Shorty looked up and realized the tractor was 2 / 3s the way across the field . It was as though he paniced . He bolted into a full run , as fast as he could go across the plowed ground . I was bouncing from side to side in the saddle , hollering at the top of my voice , " Help Daddy ! Help ! ! " But Shorty didn 't Whoa . He didn 't even slow down . He zipped around Dad and ran all the way to the barnyard gate and came to an abrupt halt . I had been going from side to side all the way , but when Shorty stopped that suddenly at the gate , The saddle spun around to his belly with me still holding on tight . Dad came and got me . I thought it would be a good time to take a break from all the problems and troubles and tell about one of my childhood incidents . . Being born in 1950 , by the time I was six years old my imagination was running wild playing Cowboys and Indians . I don 't know why , but I seemed to prefer playing Indian . I ran around with no shirt on , war paint , and my Uncle had shot a rooster pheasant that Mom used the feathers to make me a headdress . She put the longest tail feathers in the front and they kind of drooped over . My Mom had gotten new livingroom furniture , Fifties style of course . She had two , small , glass topped end tables , and a small , glass topped coffee table . With my over - active , Indian imagination , I pictured the couch as a mountain , and the coffee table as a river . I had my rubber tomahawk in hand and decided to jump off the mountain , over the river , and attack the settlers on the other side . With a Mightly War Whoop I leaped off the mountain . Unfortunately , I didn 't make it over the river , and crashed through Mom 's glass top coffee table ! Amazingly , I didn 't get cut ! Mom was in the kitchen and came running when she heard the crash . Within a couple minutes , my rear end was turning into a red skin ! ! ! I remember begging my parents for a pony . They kept saying no , but I wouldn 't give up , and not just any pony , I wanted an Indian pony . It had to be a paint with many spotted colors . My Mom yelled at me to quit teasing for a pony . Of course I didn 't listen . They finally caved in to my constant begging and teasing . One day Dad put the stock racks on the pickup and we went after my pony . I was so excited ! ! ! When we reached the farm he was located on , there he was . He was beautiful . The man had convinced Dad that he was very good with children , He was Shetland and Welch which made him seem a little out of proportion . He had the bigger body of a Welch , and shorter legs of a shetland . The man said his name was Shorty . Dad paid $ 210 . 00 for Shorty , a halter , bridle , and a Cuban made saddle . I didn 't realize it back then , I was only 6 , but that kind of money was the equivelent of $ 2000 . 00 now days ! I worked days , my wife worked until midnight . I 'd go home after work and her beautiful sister would feed me and the kids . I started having feelings for her sister and she for me . So I 'd leave and go to frriends houses , or the local bar . My wife would go to Becky and the gangs after work . Becky lived in a new mobile home next to her parents farm house . My wife was late getting home , so I drove out to Becky 's a couple different times . They were laughing , drinking , and smoking weed . I couldn 't believe it . My wife had always been so dead set against drugs ! December 27 , 1971 our second child , Holly , was born . She was another beautiful baby . I believe it was about then that our marriage started falling apart . Money problems seemed to lead from one thing to another . I began drinking heavier and my wife drank some , but mostly enjoyed smoking weed with her friends . As hard as we had tried to live the lives of adults , we began to fail miserably , While my wife worked the four to midnight shift , I worked the seven to 3 : 30 day shift . I liked my job . The pay was nothing like G . M . s pay and benefits . Between our two jobs we managed to get by . The problem was that we only seen each other on weekends and more often than not , one of us had to work Saturday . Our marriage slowly began to fall apart . One evening while she was working , I went to the bar . A friend of mine was sitting at a table with two girls , and he invited me to sit down . We were all sitting there talking and drinking beer when my wife 's best friend walked in . She had a very suspicious look in her eyes , and I could tell she couldn 't wait to get back to my wife and tell her I was with another woman at the bar . It 's hard to remember exactly how everything went , but to the best of my recollection , I went to work for an insurance company . I had to be in the office , located in Lansing , which was over twenty miles from home , by 8 : 00 a . m . in the morning . I had to do my four debits with an old adding machine . We didn 't have calculators , or computers in those days . The company did a lot of Direct Mailing back then by mail and magazines . People were asked to mail them in for more information on Life Insurance and Health Insurance . Little did they know they would be greeted at their front door by me , or salesmen like me . And we were taught to put the pressure on with canned speeches . Good thing gas was a lot cheaper back then because I covered three to four counties . How much I made depended on how much guts I had . I sold insurance for almost a year until I couldn 't take the pressure anymore . Meanwhile , my wife worked at Burger Chef ( much like McDonalds ) . We managed to survive , but barely . By the Fall of 1972 we both quit our jobs and decided to move Up North to Alpena . We had friends that lived there , Sandy and Dan . Dan had moved to Charlotte and worked with me at General Motors , but he didn 't like the hard work on the Asssembly line , or the heavily populated area . He got homesick for Alpena and they moved back . We contacted them , and they were excited to have us come and stay with them until we got settled up there . I got lucky and was hired into Abitibbe Paneling right away . The pay was comparable to General Motors . We drove back to Charlotte to give all our families the good news ! My wife 's family took it very hard . They yelled at us and carried on . They didn 't want us moving that far away . My father - in - law offered me G . M . wages if we 'd stay in Charlotte and I 'd work for him in the Furnace and Air - conditioning business . We thought about it and decided it would be the best thing for all concerned . The first couple weeks went well , and then my wife 's Dad approached me and informed me he couldn 't afford to continue to pay me thePosted by I 'd given up my good paying G . M . job . I had a wife , a child , one on the way , and Christmas just around the corner . I had house payments , phone bills , car payments , electric bills and everything else that goes with being an adult . And no money coming in . I felt very anxious and was experiencing panic attacks . I was young but regardless I had taken on all the duties of a father , husband , and a man . No thanks to my fellow workers , I had been teased and taunted until I couldn 't take it any more , punched Dennis out , been moved to night shift on a different assembly line and quit . I had to find another job and do it fast ! Just down the street I walked into the Morman Feeds office and applied for a job . They hired me on the spot . The thing I failed to realize was it was a minimum wage job where we worked twelve hours a day unloading box cars filled with bags of heavy feed . We had a couple ten minute brakes per day and a half an hour of unpaid lunch . By the end of the day I was so tired and sore that I could barely walk the two blocks home . I spent most of the evening soaking in a hot tub of water . I had farmed all my life . I 'd thrown very heavy bales of hay around all day on hot days , butI had never worked this hard and steady . I managed to work there the rest of the week before quiting . Christmas was fast approacing . I had no money , no job , and was getting behind on all my bills . My wife was due anytime for our second child . My first daughter was young enough she didn 't miss getting very little for presents . Dennis never spoke or looked my way after he got up and went back to his job . We silently worked as partners the rest of the day . I 'm sure he felt my actions were not necessary , and I felt they not only were necessary , but long overdue . In fact , we worked together for the next week , never speaking , or so much as saying goodmorning at the start of the shift or good - bye at the end of the shift . The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife . I don 't know who made the arrangements , whether it was the Union or Management , or both , or someone else . All I know is they told me I had been bumped to night shift bolting down front seats only on the small car line instead of the big car line . I was on a special job that only people that held my classification could bump me . A man named Chester bumped me and oddly enough he was a dedicated night shifter . I felt I had been set up so they could seperate us , and Dennis had more seniority . I was to report to nights that next Monday . And report to nights I did . I know I shouldn 't have slugged out Dennis , but I had endured his constant picking and torment for as long as I could . And I came to a point where I just snapped ! I don 't think even with my actions that I deserved to be pulled from my job and placed on night shift on another line . I was very upset . I hated night shift . After working it for one week and stewing over being moved , I gave the supervisor my weeks notice . When I went on first break , I walked up to him again and told him I was all done . When my break is over he 'd better have someone there to cover the job because " I quit . " I walked down to the front offices and officialy quit . I carried over my health insurance because my wife was pregnant and due in about a month . Time marched on . Everyday was repeat of the day before . Get up at 5 : 30 a . m . , drive to work , punch in at the time clock , go to my job , my partner , Dennis , and the rest of the gang . A day didn 't pass that the boys didn 't spend tormenting me ; especially Dennis . Even my one supervisor joined in on the fun . Fortunately , the two of them switched shifts every other month . I was still working for my father - in - law during most of my spare time . The furnace business slowed down in the Spring and I was able to help my Dad and brother get the crops planted . In the summer I helped install a few furnaces and set pumps for my well drilling friends . By Fall the furnace service calls picked up . I 'd be out servicing furnaces until late hours and had to be up by 5 : 30 a . m . One day I went to work feeling totally exhausted . I told Dennis , " Don 't mess with me today . I 'm beat and I 'm not up to any of your horse play . " Dennis left me alone for a little while , and then he came with one of his sneak attacks . He grabbed my leg while growling like a mad dog . I jumped , but this time , without any thought or notice , I swung aroung and slugged him in the face as hard as I could . He stumbled backwards into a grey , metal cabinet and slid down it . I don 't know as I knocked him out , but I certainly knocked him senseless ! Blood was rushing out his nose . People were stepping over him as an extra man jumped on his side of the car body to keep the line going . As I mentioned before , Dennis was a very muscular character . His arms were bigger around than my legs . I figured as soon as he got his senses about him , he 'd no doubt jump up and beat me half to death . Then I saw the Supervisor walking up the line toward me . I thought to myself , " Well . . . I 'm fired ! " Thank God it was Charlie and not the other one . He walked straight up to me , smiled and said , " Roger , I 've been waiting for you to do that for the longest time ! " He smiled again , tapped me on the shoulder and walked away . Dennis started coming around . He shook his head back and forth , reached up on the work bench behind him and grabbed a blue work rag , and began wiping the blood from his nose and face . He sat there , on the floor , for a while , and then got up and walked straight across the line to his job . I loved our home even though it was only a one bedroom . Within a year with Heather growing , we had outgrown it . Some how I had managed to put a new furnace in it during my spare time and redo the livingroom walls . I had only paid $ 6000 . 00 for it and sold it a year later for $ 8500 . 00 . That was a good return in 1969 to 1970 . Plus , with the down payment my loan only started at $ 4000 . 00 and with 6 % interest , I was able to pay it down considerably within a year . We listed our house with a Realtor and began shopping for a bigger home . It didn 't take long to sell ours to a retired couple and it didn 't take us long to find the perfect home for us . It was a big , square house with a screened in , enclosed porch that went down one side and across the back . It had all hardwood floors , ten foot ceilings , and a working fireplace in the Livingroom . It had two big bedrooms downstairs and a large apartment upstairs that had the same older lady that had lived there for 11 years . And best of all , her rent paid 2 / 3 of the house payment . It also had a two car garage , but the tenant laid claim to that . It also had a big , open front porch . Mom and Dad had to come to the closing with us to sell our house and sign papers because we were under age . After paying the Realtors and all , we ended up with nearly $ 5000 . 00 . We were in shock when Mom said the money was hers because it was their house and they had invested the $ 2000 . 00 when it was purchased . My wife and I well remembered when my parents gave us that money for all the help I had been on the farm . I guess because I was unable to remain being their farm boy , they were taking back their gift . We sure didn 't need that kind of help ! ! I told my parents that if they took all the money , we wouldn 't be able to buy the square house . After much pleading , they agreed to give us $ 3000 for the downpayment . Once again , we were still under the age of 21 , so my parents had to sign with us on the land contract . And they were able to recover most of the original $ 2000 . 00 they gave us a year before . I hated my job on the assembly line , and quickly learned to dispise most of my fellow employees . With all the pressures and stress in my life it soon became unbearable . It seemed the only way I could hold on to my sanity while working was to daydream . My mind escaped back to those beautiful summer days swimming with my Texas Girl . I heard she had married and had a baby . And Louise was deeply involved in a relationship . I heard she was engaged . I was so very proud of my beautiful , baby girl , Heather . I usually got home just as her Mom had her in the highchair feeding her . I 'd go up to her and say , " Hi Heather ! " I was a teenager living in what I thought was an adult world . Most of the men I worked on the assembly line with seemed to have a strange transition come over them the minute they entered the factory . These were men in their thirties , forties , and fifties , and yet they became childlike on the assembly line . I was married , had a wife and baby daughter , owned my home , and had bought a new car . As far as the men I worked with , I was a teenager ; not yet grown up , and their sole daily purpose was to make my working life a living Hell . And my work partner , Dennis , was the ring leader ! Dennis was supposed to be very religious , but you couldn 't prove it to me . He was in his late twenties with a very muscular build , and could act goofy as a cookoo clock ! Dennis and a couple other guys seemed to delight in tormenting me . I was usually very tired and sore . My Father - in - law would keep me out working on furnaces in the evenings and when he 'd quit for the night , he 'd head for the nearest bar and drink beers until closing . I wasn 't old enough to drink beer so I 'd sip on a cola . Often , we wouldn 't get home until 2 : 00 or 2 : 30 a . m . in the morning and I had to be on the assembly line by 6 : 30 a . m . My body ached from flopping over the seats while looking under them and bolting them to the car floor . My partner , Dennis , would run off when we managed to work up the line , and he 'd return as the air hoses stretched to the max that ran our air tools . Or , he 'd sneak around to my side and take me by surprise , grabbing my leg and growling like a dog biting . I 'd jump and more often then not I 'd bang my head on the dashes mounting brackets . Then Dennis would do his crazy laugh as he pranced and hopped back to his side of the car . I quickly learned to hate this torment while trying to do my job . My Dad became very upset with me when I spent most of my spare time working for my wife 's Dad when my own Father needed me on the farm and had to hire the neighbor boys . I did manage to help him on occassion , but my wife 's Dad was very persistant . My parents resented me for my actions and as soon as my younger brother was old enough , they handed the management of the farm over to him . My Mom and Dad stopped by shortly after my marriage . They said they didn 't like us renting and Dad said I had done so much for them on the farm over the years that they wanted to give me a couple thousand dollars to use for a down payment on a house . My wife and I were so impressed at their generosity ! It didn 't take us long to find a cute little house for sale on a land contract . Mom and Dad had to sign with us because we were under age . My younger brother was only thirteen . He was too young to be much help on the farm . I didn 't realize it at the time , but by my parents helping me buy a house , they were making me feel committed to continue working like a boy on the farm . My new Father - in - law had three daughters and no sons . He had his own Heating and Air - Conditioning Business and I had married his oldest daughter . He intended for me to help with the business . Plus , friends of mine were starting a well drilling business and wanted me to go with their Dad on weekends , following behind them setting pumps . I was being pulled in all directions . And to add insult to injury , my job at GMC was nearly killing me . I was on the assembly line in the Body Plant on the Big Car Line . My job was to bolt down front seats . I worked the driver 's side . After the seat was dropped in the car , my partner who worked the passenger side and I would pull the seat forward , tip it back , so I could hook up the wires for the power seats . After that , we would lower the seat , line up everything , lay over the seat and look under it so we could bolt it to the floor . And then go around to the back and bolt it down . It was also my job to stock the headrest which three men were building up on a table at the side of the line . In those days they could work us over nine hours per shift and most Saturdays . I would be so exhausted and just before quitting time the supervisor would come walking the line hollering , " Nine / four ! " Life felt very empty to me in November of 68 . I got a job in a factory . The work was boring , long and tedius . I didn 't work there long because one of the girls that hired in with me got her hand in a press and lost all her fingers . After they carried her out , they moved my Dad onto her press to finish the order . Management didn 't even wipe all the blood off the press . Everyday several of us boys went to a restaurant called , " The Copper Lantern , " and had lunch . It was there that I got to know my first wife . Things moved very fast . By mid November we were dating , by late November we were living together with a married couple that were friends of ours . By January of 1969 she was pregnant . Soon we were engaged , and married by April . Then in October of 69 she gave birth to a beautiful , nine lb . seven oz . baby girl . We met as two eighteen year olds that thought we were all grown up . We had a lot to learn about life . In reality at 18 we were all grown up . Sure there were plenty of things in life we had yet to experience and learn , but overall we knew all the necessary things . It was the older people that looked down on us and thought we needed to learn so much . And it seemed as if the generation prior to ours delighted in finding faults with us . We moved into a small , one bedroom apartment . I had originally went to work in a small factory , but it had no insurance . I went to work for General Motors in June of 69 and my insurance paid for the baby being born . It was the Fall of 1968 and it seemed like the Army Recruiting Officer was stalking me all over town . Louise was now going steady with her new boyfriend , and I had heard he was staying at her house most of the time . It wasn 't long before I heard they were engaged . My Texas Girl also had a steady boyfriend . The Army was looking better and better to me . I enlisted in early November of 1968 with the agreement I didn 't have to report to get on the bus at the VFW Post until January 2 , 1969 . I did have to go to Fort Wayne , Detroit for my Army physical and Swearing In . We spent the night in an old hotel . My Mother was completely against my enlisting and went to the Draft Board and my Recruiting officer with all my medical records . They looked like a Sears Roebuck Catalog ! ! My Recruiting Officer came up to me at a restaurant one afternoon and told me I 'd be receiving new orders in the mail , and I did . I was reclassified 1y ( not suited for military service ) . I guess the fact I had severe Migraine headaches was one of the main reasons . At any rate , I was rejected . I didn 't think of Louise much after she stood me up . My feelings were crushed , so I put her out of my mind . I met another girl that summer after graduation and we started going together . Once again , she was underage and her father took me aside and warned me about statutory rape and prison . When she tried and failed , she went out with what I had thought was one of my good friends and he deflowered her . Then she came back wanting to go with me . I was not impressed . Soon after that I met up with Louise again and we began going out together . All seemed to be going well . One night I went to a friend of mines party and who should come driving up to it , but one of my best friends with his date and in the backseat was a guy I had considered a good friend until then . They were double dating and Louise was all cuddled up with him in the backseat . I heard he had been bragging , " Guess who I 'm going out with ? Roger 's girl friend ! " Seems like after the 4H Fair I didn 't happen across Louise , or my Texas Girl for days that turned into months . I had an ache deep inside to see them both . Then one day during a trip to town I saw Louise walking on the sidewalk toward me . In those past months she had grown more beautiful than ever . Her shiny , long , straight black hair was gently blowing in the breeze . She had the sexiest nose , eyes and face and a perfect body . During our months apart I had two short relationships with girls that ended with hard feelings . I showed up at her front door at 6 : 00 p . m . on Friday night for our date . Her Mother answered the door and was very apologetic . " Oh Roger , I 'm so sorry , but a young man Louise has been seeing from time to time stopped in a little while ago and talked her into going out with him tonight . I feel so bad that she stood you up . " My head was hanging low . She 's the only girl that ever stood me up . I thanked Louise 's Mom for her honesty and kindness and left while feeling about as bad as anyone could feel . Back in those days ( the late Sixties ) Teenage dance halls were popping up all over . I drove out to one called , " The Village . " I walked in , sit at a table , and ordered a cola . Then I looked out on the dance floor , and dancing up near the band was Louise and her date . I quietly slipped out the door . I see it 's the 30th and I haven 't posted anything since the 9th of April . It 's been a rough month for me , spending nearly half of it in the hospital , first with colitis ( sp ) and then with pnemonia . I have COPD and my lungs are about shot . I 'm trying to tell my story while I still can . Please bare with me , and hopefully the Good Lord will let me finish . As a child my parents didn 't attend church , so I rode with the neighbors every Sunday for Church and Sunday School , and Bible School in the summer . I rarely missed until after High School Graduation , and then my life veered away from church for several decades . I found that when the Good Lord wants a person back , He will drive you to your knees , out of Love . And I am so very glad He did ! Praise God ! ! Look around you at His many complicated wonders and all the different Life forms . Only God could Create such miracles in our world and bring it all together , and make it work . Plus , creating the Universe . He truly is the Word ! . . . The Alpha and the Omega ! ! ! I thought I 'd take a little break away from my young love life , and talk about my fascination for explosives as a boy . I hesitated writing this story for fear it would give kids bad ideas . It was a time in the Sixties when way too many boys were playing with anything that exploded . Television had lots of Public Service Announcements condemning such practices , giving warnings of boys losing hands and arms and even worse . David and I started with those little , Zebra and Black Cat firecrackers . Then we discovered the Big BOOM a homemade Carbide Cannon made . We took an empty paint can , hammered a nail hole into the bottom of it , dropped a couple chunks of minors carbide into it , poured a small amount of water in the can onto the carbide , and then hammered the lid on tight and got back . The water on the minors carbide started forming a gas , and we could see the side of the paint can expanding . Then , very cautiously , we lit a match and touched it to the nail hole in the bottom of the can . The explosion could be heard over a mile away as the paint cans lid blew off . I 've already told you about horse shit hand grenades , so I 'll move on to cherry bombs and M80s . I choose not to tell what we did with them . Ok , maybe one story . We were driving around in a friend of mines car . It was a 1953 Chevy he bought for $ 35 . 00 . There were three of us boys in the car . I was in the middle . We drove around throwing M80s and Cherry bombs in friends yards one night . As we came upon a friends yard , I lit the M80 and from my middle of the seat position , I tossed it out the window . The only problem was , My friend had rolled the window up . The M80 bounced off the glass and back into the front seat between us somewhere . I don 't believe an old car had ever slid to such a sudden stop with three boys piling out as fast as they could move . It exploded and left a big hole in the front seat ! ! I don 't know this for sure , but I 've often heard an M80 was the equivelant of a fifth of a stick of dynamite . In the days when I was growing up the County 4H Fair was later in the summer in August . This worked well for me , because it gave me the summer to bale hay for neighbors and save money to spend at the fair . Besides all the excitement with the rides , games , farm animals , grand stand events , and that wonderful fair food , it was a great place for all the teenagers to congregate and socialize . Although everything about the fair was great , at my age my main objective was to meet girls . I got there a little too early , and after walking the midway I walked under the Grandstand that led out to the 4H barns . As I came out the other side , I was excited to see my Texas girl and another girl standing there . She seemed as excited to see me as I was to see her . We talked a while and all while we were visiting , I wanted to ask her to walk the mid - way and ride some rides with me , but as usual , I couldn 't get up the nerve . We talked a while and went our seperate ways . I went back under the grandstand , walked through to the other side and into the midway . As I walked passed the games the carneys hollered at me and tried to humiliate me into playing . It wasn 't easy , but I learned to ignore their rude remarks as I walked by . While sauntering around watching the rides I noticed Louise , the beauty I met at the Shop Picnic . She was walking with a couple other girls . Not wanting to look to obvious , I walked at an angle that crossed in front of her . I heard , " Roger ! " We talked a few minutes and I asked her if she 'd like to go on the rides with me ? We had lots of fun riding the fair rides , and then we walked around talking to each other . Soon we were walking past the row of games as carneys yelled out at me , trying to coerce me into playing . I decided to win Louise a stuffed animal . Like I 've said before , I was a better farmboy than a ball player . I tried and I tried , but I just couldn 't win a stuffed animal . Bound and determined , I kept trying until I had gone through $ 40 . 00 of the money I made baling hay that summer . At last , Louise said , " Let me try . " Her first try , she won a stuffed animal ! ! Needless to say , I felt slightly humiliated . It was getting time for me to head home and start doing my chores . I hated to leave , but I had to say my goodbyes . I wondered if I 'd see her again . The three girls and I walked around the Amusement Park , rode rides , played games , and talked . It was a Great Day ! ! Somehow we got on the subject of ages , and I was in pure shock to find out Louise was 3 1 / 2 years younger than me . She looked so beautiful and mature for her age . All my thoughts of asking her out on dates were crushed . She lived in the town near our farm , so I made up my mind to keep track of her for a couple of years when our age differeces wouldn 't seem so far apart . My day at the amusement park with the three girls was over . It was back to the farm and settling back into the life of a farm boy baling hay . When we got all of Dad 's hay baled , I hired out to the neighbors baling hay for $ 1 . 00 and hour . I had grown embarrased of my little motorcycle , so I bought a bigger Honda . One day while driving it around in the nearby town , I was driving around the boulevard in front of their High School when much to my surprise I seen my Texas Girl walking ! ! I was overwhelmed with excitment ! I pulled up beside her and she said , " Roger , where 've you been ? " She seemed as happy to see me as I was to see her ! We both had smiles from ear to ear . While we made small talk , and did some catching up , my mind was awhirl . I wanted to ask her out , but just couldn 't get up the courage . Over the years , I had put her on a pedestal , and even though I had overcome my shiness with girls , she was the one exception . We talked a while longer and I was on my way . Maybe it was my self - confidence , but as I entered my later teens I had no problems with girls . I was like a shark on a feeding frenzy ! There were just so many cute girls and I had developed ways to get to know them and make out . I didn 't get into any relationships , just a lot of kissing as I went from girl to girl . The girls liked me , but way to many jealous boys wanted to fight . I learned to take care of myself . I don 't mean to sound like " God 's Gift to Women " because I was a long , long way from that ! I was merely a teenager testing his new found abilities . Then one Saturday my family went to the shop picnic put on from the factory where my Dad worked . The picnic tables were all full in the shaded park near the Lake Lansing Amusement Park entrance . The owners of the factory gave each kid a huge role of tickets for the rides and games . It was great ! After eating and playing some of their games , I headed into the amusement park . It was much like a fair , only bigger and better . It had the usual rides , bumper cars , fairess wheels , merry - go - rounds , etc . Plus , a huge Roller Coaster ! ! I don 't remember how I broke the ice with them , but the next thing I knew I was walking around , playing games and going on rides with three teenage girls . I was in my glory . The smells of popcorn , hot dogs , cotton candy and all the other fair type foods filled the air . Plus , the sounds of people laughing , talking , screaming , and the music from the Merry - Go - Round also could be heard . The three girls looked to be all about the same age , maybe about a year younger than me . One was a blonde , one a brunette , and the third was so beautiful , she was hard to describe . She had soft , shiny , long black hair , a perfect hour glass figure , and a face that would put most movie stars to shame . The other two girls were quite the talkers , but she had a sexy , quiet way about her , speaking only when necessary . This caused her to have a mysterious , but very attractive way about her . I couldn 't help but be drawn toward her . Her name was Louise . The three girls each had a parent that worked at the same factory as my father . I tried to win them stuffed animals , but as always , the girls ended up winning their own . Then they wanted to ride the rides . I guess I made a fine target on the Bumper Cars . Next , after giving it considerable thought , they decided to go for a ride on the Roller Coaster ! That drop down the first hill was a doozy ! They took turns riding with me . I never knew girls could snuggle so tightly as each screamed and I wrapped my arms around them . Riding with a different girl each time , as I recall I rode the Coaster nine times in a row ! ! ! The Merry - Go - Round was a much more peaceful ride . Besides being in all the Plays , and Variety Shows and All , I was at a School dance my Junior year , and they had somehow gotten one of the Stars from a television show called , " Swing Lively " to D . J . our dance . Swing Lively was taped in Lansing in the Channel Six News Room . MoTown in Detroit was BIG at the time and not that far from Lansing . It was very similar to " American Bandstand . " Swing Lively managed to get most of the Stars from MoTown Records to come . You must remember this was during the 66 / 67 school year , quite a while back . The Big Acts came to Lansing to sing on the show . I was dancing when Jay Stern called me over to him . He liked the way I danced and asked me if I 'd like to be a dancer on his show ? I was excited ! He gave me a pass and said it would get me and one girl in every week . Swing Lively had Jay Stern and Dennis Day as host . It was sponsered by Yankee Department Stores ( Owned by Debbie Reynolds ) . It was a syndicated show that was on in quite a few states . We 'd show up for the dancer 's meeting and the taping on Thursday nights and watch ourselves on television Saturday afternoons . They had singers such as Kenny Rogers and the First Edition , The Supremes , Ike and Tina Turner , etc . We didn 't get to dance while they sang . They 'd go in and tape their singing . I guess they didn 't want distractions . After they sang , we , d be allowed in and dance to their music while those big , old style , t . v . cameras bumped us around as they taped us . Afterwards , we 'd get to meet and visit with the singers . One night during the Dancer 's Meeting Jay told me to shorten my sideburns . I told him I was growing them out for a play I was in , but he said they had to go . So I quit . I know this has little to do with my beginning life with girls , but it 's a story involving David and me that I believe needs to be told . As young boys there were many war shows on the t . v . depicting WW11 . And the neighbor boys and I would split up into teams and play war . We started out by shooting each other with toy guns and rifles , We would pretend we were hit , fall dead , count to ten , and jump up and continue playing . Then we got the idea to make it look more realistic we 'd go out into the field and get dried clumps of dirt and throw them at each other . If they landed close they would turn into a bomb of dust . I don 't know who had the original idea , it could even have been me , but I really don 't feel right blaming this next idea on David . We walked into the pony lot , and as you may or may not be aware of , horse manure is round or oval and fist sized . From all the neighbor boys going out of state at one time or another , we had a near endless supply of those little , zebra and black Cat firecrackers . We walked around the pony lot looking for just right horse manure . We wanted it dry and crusty on the outside ( so it wasn 't messy to handle ) and still nice and mushy on the inside . Then we 'd bore one of those little firecrackers into its side . Walla ! We had invented the horse shit hand - grenade ! ! ! The idea was to light the fuse , throwing it over the other teams head before exploding . They were quite short fuses and on occassion one would blow up in our hands before we could let go . We were laughing , and exploding horse shit hand - grenades when my mother came out of the house to see what all the comotion was about . That was the end of horse shit hand - grenades . How green the grass grew , and how thick and plush it stayed . It seems like lots of teenagers go through a period of low self - esteem at one point in their lives . I certainly was no exception . Every time I looked in a mirror , I began picking myself apart . My nose was too big . My lips were to big . I had zits on my face . My ears were too small , my hair was ugly , and I had a dimple on my chin . My low self - esteem lasted for several years and held me back from having relationships with girls , other than friendships . Afterall , who would want to go with the looks of me ? My girlfriend broke up with me , and little did I know , my Texas girl was living within five or six miles of me . So it must have been around the tenth grade I went back to being a homely , but very dedicated farm boy , and during the winter I tried to play basketball . To tell the truth , I was better at pitching cow manure . The fast turns and pivots in basketball caused my knees to dislocate ( Very Painful ) . And I found myself spending most of the winter on crutches . The following year , during practice before the first game , I jumped up while trying to intercept a pass and went over backwards with all my weight coming down on my wright wrist , breaking it up really bad . After that year I gave up basketball and ran track . Then I became involved in all the Senior , All School Plays , Junior Play , and managed to land the lead parts , Suddenly , I became very popular and didn 't really know how to handle the girls actually chasing after me . I even wrote and directed the Varsity Club Variety Shows and played guitar in several Garage Type Bands . The problem was , I was over - doing and soon began having Severe Migrains . One complete side of me would go numb and then the blood vessels would open suddenly causing horrible pain for hours and hours . Mom took me to a Nerologist and I was pleased to find out it wasn 't a brain tumor . My mentally impaired sister 's room was next to mine . She talked to imaginary friends all night and sometimes she would scream , " Roger ! There 's a man in my room ! ! ! ! " She was going through a very difficult time , and the lack of sleep only added to my agony . The rest of the summer past by quickly . I didn 't make it to the lake . As before , I spent every afternoon at my girlfriend 's house , in the livingroom , watching Soap Operas , sitting on the couch , and holding hands . Toward the end of summer , I guess my girlfriend had enough . Our relationship was going no place , and one afternoon she broke up with me . I was crushed ! I hopped on my Honda and went straight to Lacey Lake . I knocked on my Texas Girls door , but no answer . One of the girls at the lake told me they had left back for Texas a few days before . With my head hanging low , I drove my little motorcycle back home . It was a long , cold , winter , but when the weather began to warm up , I rode my Honda back to the lake , only to find a gate across the Resort drive with a no trespassing sign attached to it . They had closed the Resort and I had no way to see if my Texas Girl was back , or not . Thus ended my experience with my first two girls . Sadly , the thing I failed to realize was my Texas Girl and her family had moved to Michigan to a near by town . I tossed and turned all night . I couldn 't sleep just thinking about asking for my ring back . She was so sweet , and beautiful , and one of my very best friends . I didn 't know how she would react when I asked for my initial ring back . I was so worried that she wouldn 't want to be friends with me any longer . But thinking everything through , she was only here for the summers , and those long winters without even seeing her when she returned to Texas was just more than I could bare . I finally built up my courage and drove my Honda down to the lake . I walked up to their mobilehome and knocked on the door . Suddenly , my Texas girl appeared in front of me with a big smile on her face . " Hello Roger . " I smiled and said Hi . Then I went on to explain to her that I had talked with my ex - girlfriend and she had agreed to go steady with me again . I was amazed at how well she took it . Then I went on to ask her for my initial ring . " Oh Roger ! I 'm afraid I 've lost it . I 'm not sure but I think I lost it in the lake while swimming . Can you ever forgive me ? I am so sorry ! " I guess I would have to tell my girlfriend I lost it . Now I know why my Mother wouldn 't let me give my class ring to any girls . I left the lake and returned to my girlfriends house . Once again , we spent each afternoon sitting on the couch , holding hands , and watching soap operas . So it was settled . I was going with my Texas Girl , but other than giving her my initial ring nothing had changed . We didn 't hold hands , or kiss , or have any kind of romance . Things were no different than when we were just good friends . I guess she was too young and I was to backward . Our days continued as they had since 1962 . We swam and played and floated around in those big , black innertubes . A week had passed since my girlfriend broke up with me . My Texas girl and I were floating in our innertubes when I looked up on shore and saw my ex - girlfriend . She was wearing her older sister 's leopard bikini , and she had grown into it perfectly . All eyes were upon her . She walked around , never getting in the water , and then she she stopped and talked to a girl . She then left the lake as quickly as she had appeared . It was about an hour and a half before dark , and I decided it was time to head home . As I was driving my Honda past my ex - girlfriend 's house , I noticed she was sitting outside at their picnic table . I stopped in , and we talked until dark . She agreed to go steady with me again before I rode on home . Then it dawned on me that she had no idea I was going steady ! I would have to go to the lake tomorrow and ask for my initial ring back . I dropped her off at the resort , and rode my Honda to my girlfriend 's house . She was sitting on on the picnic table on the West side of the house . I tried to talk to her and explain that I was only friends with the girl I was giving a ride , but she had no response and handed me back my initial ring . I could see no point in trying to talk to her any longer . I got on my Honda and headed back to the lake . I was feeling kind of low as I wheeled down the resort driveway . I pulled up to the cable that was strung from post to post and designated the parking area . I just sat there on my Honda with my head hanging low . I had lost my beautiful girlfriend . " Oh Roger ! I am so sorry ! It 's all my fault . I didn 't mean to cause you and your girlfriend to break up . " Standing in front of my motorcycyle stood the girl from Texas . I had been dreaming of this moment since first meeting her as young children , but I had convinced myself that we would be better off to just remain the very good friends we were . I had convinced myself that if we ever developed a romantic relationship at some point we would break up and I would not only lose her as a girlfriend , but as one of my best friends as well . It just wasn 't worth the risk . And yet , here she stood in front of me offering to go steady , and I found it impossible to refuse . I took my initial ring off my finger and handed it to her . I was still young and very inexperienced . These were my first two girlfriends I had ever been involved with , and I was very wet behind the ears . While handing her my ring I questioned her again while questioning myself . On occasion me and my Honda slipt passed my girlfriend 's house and down to Lacey Lake 's Resort . I had to know if my Texas girl was back yet . After making several trips there and sitting on a picnic table for a while , at long last , one day as I sit on the table , I saw her come out of her family 's mobile home . When she saw me there , she smiled and hollered , " Roger ! " We spent a while catching up on the past months . Then she noticed my motorcycle sitting where I used to park my English bike . " Is that your motorcycle ? ! " She asked . I pulled the back foot pegs down into position and she climbed on . She wrapped her arms around me and I carefully drove up the resort drive . I didn 't want her first ride to frighten her . When we reached the road , I turned right and we rode to the stop sign at the cross road . I made a right turn , and much to my surprise , walking in the road ahead of us was my girlfriend walking with a neighbor girl . I pulled up beside her and tried to talk to her . She looked straight ahead while ignoring me . After a couple of minutes I drove on . We went around a curve in the road and past a small house . I noticed a big , black , dog crouched down in an attack position . As the dog began charging at us I twisted the throttle to speed up . It was a small motorcycle with two people on it up against a very fast dog . I was picking up speed , but the dog was gaining on us while growling , snarling , and barking ! In those days there was no helmet law and I had no helmets , nor turn signals . Safety was up to the driver . As my rider screamed and began climbing my back , the dog was biting my legs and ankles . It became increasingly difficult to maintain balance and control , especially as I was being used as a human ladder . As she screamed , she managed to wrap her legs around my neck . We must have looked like a Circus Act with no circus , or prior practice ! We finally managed to out - run the dog and by nothing short of a miracle , I managed to regain control of the motorbike as she climbed down and back onto the seat . I stopped for a minute while we gathered our thoughts . " Well we can 't go back the way we came , or we would surely be attacked by the big , black , dog . That meant we 'd have to take the long way back . All I could think of was , what else could go wrong . We had to go about seven or eight miles out of our way to come back around to the Resort drive . From 1962 to 1966 I matured from a twelve year old boy into a sixteen year old teenager . I still thought a lot of my girl from Texas , but I began to realize she lived so far away and 3 / 4 of each year was spent in Texas . I also realized how much I thought of her as a very , very good friend , and the distance between us kept it from ever developing into anything else . People tend to become attached to those they are near to daily . I would always have a place in my heart reserved for her , but as my love life matured I would move on . By the Spring of 1966 I was the proud owner of a small motorcycle , a Honda S 90 . Plus , I was going with a beautiful , young , girl that only lived about half a mile from Lacey Lake 's Resort drive . I seldom made it to the lake that early Spring . My Honda seemed to have a mind of its own . When it reached my girlfriend 's driveway , it automatically turned in . I was still very backward and shy in the field of Love . As I said before , my parents never hugged us , kissed us , or used the Love word . Everyday my girlfriend and I spent the afternoon sitting on the couch together , holding hands , and watching Soap Operas . I guess you could say I was the worlds worst boyfriend . We never kissed . We never hugged . We just held hands and watched Soap Operas day after day after day . Posted by I didn 't know how to swim . In fact , no one in my family knew how to swim . The girls swam like fish in the water , and didn 't hesitate to go into deeper water where it was over their heads . In the mean time I would only go out where the water was waste deep . One day another guy came swimming and was out in the deeper water with them . I couldn 't stand it , so I made up my mind it was swim or drowned trying . Fortunately , I found it to be quite easy once I had gotten over the initial fear of it all . I spent every day I could at the lake , but soon enough the summer days were over , and my Texas girl and her family had to return to Texas . This is how it was for the next few years . She would be gone all winter and I never knew for sure if she would ever return . I missed her dearly ! It was my sixteenth year , and after much begging and teasing , plus , my parents figured I had earned it , they bought me a small motorcycle . I loved it ! It was a Honda Super 90 , It was 90 c . c . , 8 h . p . and supposedly had a top speed of 65 miles per hour . I suppose riding my bicycle to the lake and all the swimming was better for strengthening my legs , and they were much stronger , but my Honda was much more fun ! I was eager to return to Lacey Lake , but found it to be a bit more difficult than expected . It was early summer . Dad and I had been up since 7 : 00 a . m . The corn was several inches out of the ground and the weeds were beginning to take over , so it was time to cultivate . In those days we didn 't use herbicides to spray and kill the weeds . Cultivating was a much slower and lengthy task . We had to mount the cultivators onto the tractor so they could rip the weeds out of the ground around the corn . The corn was very small so shields had to be attached on each side of the corn to keep from ripping it out , or burying it with dirt . It was a beautiful summer 's day . I asked my parents if I could ride my bike to the lake , but they had other plans for me . It was a perfect day for cultivating , and Dad had to leave for work by 2 : 30 p . m . That left me to cultivate . I looked out at the nearly 30 acre field of corn , and seeing how small it was , I knew I would only be traveling about two miles an hour . That meant I would be out there until dark and still wouldn 't finish it that day . I wanted to return to the lake so badly that my insides ached with anticipation as the tractor crawled and I was unable to take my eyes off the row of corn for even a second or it would stray one way or the other and rip out the very small , delicate stalks of corn . By the next afternoon I had finished the field and gotten permission to go to the lake . I peddled my bicycle as fast as I could go . As I reached the parking lot , I seen the girl from Texas and another girl walking along the lakeshore . When they saw me , they smiled and waved . It wasn 't long after that the three of us were sitting along the narrow beach , soaking up the sunshine and talking . One beautiful , Michigan , summer 's day , David and I decided to walk down the road to Howard 's barn . It was a big old barn that was on his eighty acre farm . He lived a couple miles North of there at his other farm and used this as a sheep barn with a large pasture for the flock . The barn had a hip roof , which was common in those parts and was considered a basement barn . You could drive a tractor in one side and the door on the other side was a story above the ground . We were exploring the old barn when David noticed the door was open on the other side . He walked over to investigate and looked down . Much to his delight , he spotted a large pile of straw . " Come on ! Let 's jump down into it ! " With a large smile on his face and a loud yell , he took a flying leap ! Unfortunately , what had appeared to be a large pile of straw from above was in truth a large pile of hardened sheep manure that Howard had stacked while cleaning out of the barn . When David landed , his right knee came up and bashed him in the nose causing it to bleed profusely . I think probably he broke it . He cried the whole entire half mile walk home . And once again , I sauntered off in search of another Leader . Although my parents were good people , they had a few strange ways about them . Mom was very frugal and put a value on everything from empty egg cartons to empty , plastic , gallon , milk jugs . I think these ways dated back to her being raised in the Depression Era . And Dad was a hard working farmer who believed in always making a profit , but seldom invested in new equipment , or ways to simplify his work , and mine . He didn 't have water run to the barn until after I had left home . Even in the dead of winter , I 'd have to string out several water hoses from the basement door down to the cow tanks and water the cattle , and carry pails of water to the cows with calves in stalls in the back of the barn . Dad worked the three to eleven shift at the factory in town , making it my job to do the evening chores . Dad also owned a farm about a mile and a half North of ours . It had a newer barn that he 'd keep half the herd of cattle at in the winter . He never had a well drilled there , so I 'd fill nine milk cans with water in the back of an old 53 Chevy pickup and though I was only twelve , I 'd drive it there , back up to the barn door , and dump the heavy cans of water over the gate and into half barrels . Sometimes I 'd have to make several trips . Plus , all the animals had to be fed and bedded down . I always said , " I wasn 't Amish , but I was raised Amish ! " My parents had a strange viewpoint on love . The word was never mentioned in our home . I know this greatly effected myself , and I 'm sure it had the same effect on my brother and sisters . Mom often said , " She couldn 't stand people that were always hugging , kissing , and slobbering all over their kids . " As a replacement to love and those acts of love , my parents used praise . My brother , sisters , and I would strive to please my parents to get this praise . Myself , I would work like a man to please my father . That is , until I discovered girls . Then pleasing my father and mother somehow didn 't seem quite as important to me . It wasn 't until years later that my mother was on her death bed that she looked at me and in an uneasy voice said , " I love you , Roger . " " " It was the summer of 1962 . I was nearly 12 1 / 2 years old and felt strange things happening to me . At last I could ride my new , lightweight , 3 speed , English bicycle with limited effort , making it easier to peddle to Lacey Lake 's Resort . The four mile ride there , and the four mile ride home was good exercise for my legs . It was early summer as I coasted down the hill to the parking area at the Resort . I parked my bike and walked over to sit on one of the picnic tables . At first , there didn 't seem to be anyone around . It was a small , back roads , Michigan lake with a house built close to the water that had a small store built on the lakeside . It was a small resort with several picnic tables , an old bathhouse close to the narrow beach . I heard the store 's screen door slam and looked up to see a beautiful young girl leaving the store . She looked over at me , smiled , and with a sweet , Texas accent said , " Hi . How y ' all doing ? " It was at that very instant that I realized I was no longer going to be quite the dedicated farm boy to my dad I had been in the past . My mind did a flip from tractors to girls . She was so cute , and had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen . Plus , the sexiest accent I had ever heard ! " I 'm doing great ! " I responded . " Do you live around here ? " " We live in Texas . We only come up for the summer . It 's a lot cooler here than Texas summers . I 'm staying over there in my grandparent 's mobile home . Do you live around here ? " " I live on a farm a couple of roads from here . Maybe we 'll see more of each other this summer . I come here swimming quite often . " Posted by One summer day I decided to walk across the road to David 's Grandparent 's house and see what he was doing . He saw me coming across the road and came out to greet me . David was a born leader . As for me , I chose to be a follower . He noticed his Grandpa had been painting on the side of the house and had left the ladder leaning up against it . " Let 's go up on the roof ! " He excitedly proclaimed . So David climbed the ladder to the roof . It was a two story house with a high pitched roof . Then I joined him . The pitch of the roof made it hard to hang on . We carefully made our way to the peek . Let 's play ' Rip Chord . " David announced as his eyes lit up . ( Rip Chord was a popular t . v . show of the times where two guys would parchute out of airplanes while hollering , " Rip Chord , Cut ! " ) I feared my skinny legs would snap like toothpicks if I were to jump off the roof . David was a solid , muscular boy with stout legs . I said , " Ok David , you go first . " After all , he was the leader . And when he broke his arm , I took the ladder down . I watched as his grandparents loaded him in the car and raced off toward the hospital . Meanwhile , I sauntered off in search of another Leader . Sometimes I think it 's a good thing my dad kept me as busy as he did on the family farm . Even with my physical problems and all the time spent working , I still managed to have a few boyhood adventures . When David came to spend the summers at his grandparent 's house my summers really livened up ! They lived directly across the road from our home . David 's family lived in the big city , and he got into so much trouble there that his parents had him spend the summers at his grandparents . He was average height , dark haired , muscular framed , and sort of talked through his nose . And the wheels in his head never stopped turning ! One year his dad brought him out a new , three speed , English bicycle , much like mine . David wasn 't much for riding bikes , so he completely dismantled it and sold it for parts to the neighbor kids . I bought a spare tire and wheel , myself . The next summer his dad bought him a big , red , classy looking , 26 inch bicycle . One day David said , " Lets make it look like a motorcycle ! " We searched around his grandpa 's garage and basement and found a length of three inch vent pipe and some wire . We wired it up the right side of the bike and then went into his grandpa 's garage again . His grandpa owned a bulk station and gas truck that he delivered fuel oil to homes and gasoline to farmers with . In the garage we found a can of gas , a five gallon can of oil , a bunch of rags , and a broom . David quietly went into the backdoor of his grandma 's house and got some matches from the kitchen . We began dipping the rags in gas and oil , and stuffing them into the vent pipe . The broom handle worked great for jamming them down in . Soon the vent pipe was full of gas and oil soaked rags . His grandparent 's driveway and our drive across the road were perfectly aligned . David got on the bike and said to me , " Ok , light her up ! " I struck a match and touched it to the end of the vent pipe . At first it was great . Big , black puffs of smoke came out , one then another and so on . David began vibrating his lips to mimic a motorcycle 's sound , and then started pedaling down the drive . He made it to the end of the driveway , across the road , and into our drive when suddenly the side of the bicycle burst into flames . He slid it down and jumped clear . My Mom and my Aunt Wilene were having a peaceful , summer visit on the front porch when they suddenly screamed in horror and ran toward the burning bike . David was ok , but his new bike was destroyed . I don 't believe my father ever truly acknowledged my handicap . By the time I was eight years old he had me driving the tractor and hay baler while he stood on the hay wagon behind the baler and pulling up the bales of hay with a hay hook . He was always in such a hurry . He worked the 3 : 00pm to 11 : 00p . m . shift at the factory in town besides working his farms , and keeping a herd of cattle . All Dad ever seemed to think of was getting his work done . He had dual personalities . He could be the sweetest , kindest , man , but when he was working the farms , he was the meanest man ever . I remember one day in particular , I was driving the tractor and baler , and Dad was stacking the bales on the hay wagon . I seen a large clump of hay in the windrow ahead , and knowing it would plug the baler , I stretched for the clutch and brakes . We stopped abruptly , throwing Dad off the wagon . He immediately began cussing and screaming at me . I jumped off the tractor to see if he was alright . As soon as I reached him , he began kicking and slapping me . It was about then that my Uncle Leland came driving his old green truck around the corner of the barn and down the lane to the field we were working . He was Dad 's older brother , and a big , rough looking bachelor . He grabbed hold of Dad and shook him around some . He told him , " Don 't you ever let me catch you hitting on that boy again ! " I think Dad believed him , but that never stopped him from cussing me and the name calling . I believe I was in my mid - twenties before I realized my name wasn 't " Dumb Son - of - a - Bitch ! " I guess the thing that always amazed me was how we 'd go to the Grist Mill and Dad would brag on me to the men that were there on how I was only eight years old and drove the tractor and baler . Judging by the looks the men gave , I don 't think they were that impressed . People just don 't put children that young running such dangerous equipment . . . . Well , most don 't . Seems like I wore that Dennis Brown Club Foot Splint for a long time . My feet at long last outgrew the orthopedic shoes . I went to the doctor and then Mom took me to an orthopedic shoe store in downtown Battle Creek to be fitted for a new pair . I hadn 't learned to walk yet , but shortly after arriving home , I took my first steps . The shoes were big and bulky . They resembled men 's work boots . My legs were very skinny , having very small muscles . A visiting nurse came quite often and made me do exercises , and on occasion my Mother would take me to the ' Crippled Children 's Clinics " where they could check me over and measure my progress . I learned very quickly not to wear shorts with my skinny legs and over sized looking work boots . I took a lot of teasing . One day when I had taken enough teasing and bullying from my cousin ( who was considerably larger than me ) we got in a knock down , drag out fight in the front yard . Growing up in the Fifties it seemed every boy wore tennis shoes , or cowboy boots . I wasn 't allowed to wear either . I learned to put up with the teasing as I continued through grade school . My leg muscles remained very weak and at times my knees would dislocate causing extreme pain . When I was a little tot , I used to love to ride on the farmall H tractor with Dad . While he was driving it up the lane one afternoon and I was a three year old sitting on his lap , I looked up at him and said , " Can I drive and you walk ? " That tickled Dad so that he never forgot it and mentioned it often . Seriously , I don 't remember learning to drive the tractors . I know my shoulders were against the front of the seat when sliding down to reach the clutch and brakes when stopping . And my legs barely had the strength to push down the pedals . My parents bought me a big , red , heavy , 26inch bicycle . We lived in farm country on gravel roads that had plenty of hills . My weak legs could peddle the bike on the level fairly well , and I could coast down the best of hills . When going up hills , I tired quickly . The neighbor kids would reach the top of the hill and then wait somewhat patiently for me to walk my bike up the hill . We used to ride a little over a mile to the country store and I had tried to ride to Lacy Lake , but the three or four miles was too far for me . The start of the next summer , I was 12 years old , and my parents bought me a brand new , light weight , 3 speed English bicycle . It was much easier for me to keep up with the others and I had no trouble riding to the lake . I felt some of the kids were jealous because I got a new bike . I would have been perfectly happy with my old bike if I could have got along with it . I guess there 's no place to start telling my life 's journey like the beginning , so here goes . . . I was born in February 1950 at Community Hospital in Battle Cre k . I was born right smack in the middle of the Twentieth Centu y . As far as I 'm concerned , my life started just as the two best decades of progress this country had , or has ever seen was getting under w y . It was a great time to grow up n ! I was the third born of my parent 's four childr n . I had two older sisters and one younger broth r . Marilyn , the oldest , was born in August of 1945 and is mentally disabl d . Joyce was born in July of 19 8 . I can only imagine my parent 's delight when I was born , and their disappointment when it was discovered I had a birth defe t . My legs and feet were not completely develop d . My Mom later told me the bones in my legs were soft and this might be a slight exaggeration , but she said they could have been tied in kno s . My feet came up and were wrapped around my lower le s . My Mother also told me later that she made up her mind that she " was not " going to have a crippled s n ! Mom fashioned Popsicle sticks into make - shift braces , pulled my feet into position and some how managed to keep my feet in the proper shape until I was seen by one of the best known orthopedic doctors in the sta e . He put both feet and legs in cast to keep them developing proper y . I don 't know how long I was in cast , but I do know it was a long ti e . Mom used to tell me how women would come up to her in places like the grocery store , and seeing me in cast , say , " What in the world happened to that poor , little boy ? " Later , when the last pair of cast were removed , I was fitted with Orthopedic shoes ( special shoes fitted to keep my feet in proper growing positio ) . Then a steel bar was attached that kept the shoes connected to each oth r . This was called a " Dennis Brown Club Foot Splin . " I had to wear it day and night , 24 7 . My Mom said I 'd crawl on the floor with this splint attached to both shoes , and my legs and feet reminded her of a fish tail goiPosted For those of you that don 't know me , My name is Roger . This is my newly made blog . I look forward to sharing my memories old and new with you . You will read about my journeys through life , some good some bad . I hope this inspires you to look beyond the bad and make the most out of each day . Now onto the journey 's told by Roger . I am Roger the creative writer of this blog . You will read about my journeys through life , some good some bad . I hope this inspires you to look beyond the bad and make the most out of each day . Now onto the journey 's told by Roger . Enough about Shorty for now . It 's time to get back to my separation and Divorce from my first wife . She worked nights and I worked days . . . . For those of you that don 't know me , My name is Roger . This is my newly made blog . I look forward to sharing my memories old and new wit . . . " " It was the summer of 1962 . I was nearly 12 1 / 2 years old and felt strange things happening to me . At last I could ride my n . . . I 'd given up my good paying G . M . job . I had a wife , a child , one on the way , and Christmas just around the corner . I had house payments , . . . |
To Alder 's surprise , Lia had actually been excited about moving . She had hated New City and couldn 't wait to leave it . Since she had taken that little bit of news so well , he had then told her about Dora and the baby . She had opened her mouth , but Monty intervened with some throat clearing and pointed looks . After a brief stare down between the two , Lia held her tongue and didn 't have much to say about him signing away his parental rights . Alder hadn 't known what Monty did exactly that made Lia back off , but he had been grateful for it . He hadn 't been in the mood to be lectured again . The first lecture had been because he hadn 't intended on bringing Spring or Ryder with them to Sun River . Spring had assured him they had a place to go to . Alder had looked at it as an excellent way to get out of an awkward situation . He didn 't want to get used to them being around , nor did he want Spring getting any ideas . Lia had then promptly called him an idiot , among a few other choice names . She had told him of course Spring would say that , Spring had her pride too , and only an idiot would believe her . Alder had given Lia all his reasons , they were good ones , he had thought , but Lia had shot every one of them down . Finally he had just given up , the argument was pointless , and he was secretly glad they were coming with anyway . He had found it amusing though to watch Spring flounder as she tried to argue with Lia . Spring had tried the same arguments that Alder had , but Lia would have none of it . She had ended the whole thing by telling Spring , " We are family now , and family sticks together . " So in the end , Lia had gotten her way , and Spring and Ryder had made the move with them . Alder pulled up in front of the house that would be their new home , he hoped for quite a while . Moving was a pain . They all got out of the vehicle and got their first glimpse of it . He breathed a silent sigh of relief at Lia 's first response . " I like it here Alder , much better than that nasty old city we were in . " " Well , as long as you 're happy Lia . " Alder said , with a hint of sarcasm . Sarcasm usually went over her head though , and this time was no exception . Lia nodded . " That 's right . And so far I am happy . " Alder 's eyes met Monty 's , and Monty just grinned at him . They settled into Sun River , and their new home rather quickly . Lia happily planted a few herbs and vegetables in the large backyard . " Mama always said fresh is better . " she would tell anyone who would listen . Lia had a bunch to say to her brother about it , but one look at Claudio , and she kept her mouth shut . She still remembered the long discussion they had over her putting her nose into Alder 's business . Discussion , because they never fought , they only had loud discussions . Claudio had actually won that loud discussion . She sighed . It was just so hard though . She could make better choices for Alder than what Alder was making for himself . The only thing that was making it easier on her , is she had her own suspicions that she was pregnant as well . She didn 't have time to fuss over Alder and his choices , she had a whole other person to plan for . Alder cautiously opened the front door and peeked in , was it safe ? With two pregnant hormonal women in the house these past months , he never knew what he was walking into . Paradise or Hades . " Alder , if you 're thinking of escaping you 'd better think again . " Alder groaned . Lia . He was busted , not that he would admit to it . " Now , don 't look at me like that little Dude . " Alder smiled as he hefted Ryder up into his arms . " You 're lucky , you 're still a little boy , so you only get the happy side of Mommy and Auntie Lia . Daddy on the other hand , is not so lucky ! " He tickled Ryder and Ryder laughed and laughed . " You want the Tickle Monster to get you again , do you ! Aaaah ! " Alder made his hand into a Tickle Monster puppet , and Ryder squealed with glee . " ' tinky ! ' tinky ! " Alder ruffled his son 's hair . " Yeah , no stinky stinky in the diaper . Big boys use the potty . " Alder smiled at his son . Alder had once thought that nothing could replace his affections for his music , but looking at Ryder , he knew something had . Rather someone had . While he grumbled about hormone driven pregnant women , he could hardly wait until Spring had their second child . Now that he knew more of what being a parent was like , he was excited about this next one . Lia climbed up the stairs , and was about to get ready for bed . " Hey there little one . " She spoke softly to her unborn child . She patted her tummy . " Last night you didn 't let me sleep . How about letting me sleep tonight , okay ? " She looked up to watch her husband pacing back and forth while talking on the phone . He spoke in a harsh whispers , Lia was having a hard time eavesdropping on his conversation . Really , Claudio should speak louder ! It was rather inconsiderate of him to speak in such low tones . " There 's no need to put us under surveillance ! Don 't be . . . " Claudio frowned , as he looked out the window . Antonio kept interrupting him , and talking over him . What Claudio really wanted to do was hang up on Antonio , but that wouldn 't solve anything . " Antonio , " he tried again , " Stick to our deal . You leave me and the Kahekili family alone , and in return , those unfortunate documents , that are in my possession , that paint you and our father in a very bad light , won 't see the light of day . Come within a hundred yards of my family , and I swear you 'll regret it . " Claudio hung up the phone , and turned around to see his wife watching him curiously . " Who were you talking to ? " " No one important . " He kissed her lightly on the lips . What he said was true , Antonio was a part of his past , not important to him anymore . Now if he could just get Antonio to stop calling him and interfering in his life . Antonio claimed that he was in the middle of a turf war with another family , and that he was simply putting Claudio under surveillance for his own protection . Claudio didn 't believe him . Antonio couldn 't care less about his little brother , so something else was going on . The pain was pretty intense . Funny how you forget that , Spring mused to herself . She had been in labor with Ryder for hours , so she knew she had a long night ahead of her with this second one . She eyed the bar . Maybe one little drink wouldn 't hurt . It might even help her relax a little . That was one of the benefits of having been a mixologist . She knew hundreds of different types of drinks . This occasion called for a special drink though . She couldn 't decide between Woohoo on the Beach , which indirectly had led to this second child , or Big Mistake , because sometimes she really felt she had made a big mistake in moving here . She so badly had wanted to be part of a family , and while it had thrilled her to hear Lia say she was part of theirs , Alder never said the words . She wanted to hear those words from him . Followed by will you marry me . She laughed at herself , then a moan slipped out as another contraction hit her . She downed another drink . The contractions were getting closer and closer . Spring frowned , hiccuped , and then giggled . This baby was in a bigger hurry to get here than his brother Ryder had been . The next contraction had her howling though . Son of a baby monkey ! That one really hurt ! The end result was worth it though , when she held her newborn son in her arms , the pain a thing of the past . " Hello Niall . " Lia rolled her eyes . " Alder , stop being ridiculous . Of course our mother is here , her only grandchildren are here . You know how she feels about babies ! " Alder moaned , while Lia shook her head at him . " Frankly I 'm surprised it took her this long to visit us , and I told her so last time we talked on the phone . " Lia turned and headed for the front door . " I don 't know how she does it , but she makes me feel like I 'm six years old again with her heavy sighs , and her eagle eyes and . . . , what did you say ? It 's your fault she 's here ! Awww , Lia ! You know how she is with me . " " She just wants me to get married and have lots of babies ! She talks of nothing else ! It drives me batty ! I sure hope she isn 't staying here . " Alder said worriedly . He loved his mother , he truly did , but she just didn 't understand that he didn 't want the same things that she did . " Thank goodness ! " That was a happy thought . His mother really put a crimp in his dating style , so he was glad she wasn 't staying with them for this visit . She liked to interview his dates to see if they had potential as future brides . Really it was quite embarrassing to him . She very nearly had them open their mouths so she could check their teeth ! " Daddy and her have decided to move here , to be closer to us , so they already bought a house and everything . Isn 't that great ? " Alder stopped in his tracks and froze as Lia threw open the front door . " Daddy ! Mama ! " After Lia got her hugs , she led them into the house . " Alder ! I am so pleased that you given me two grandbabies , but I still need a daughter in law ! It was supposed to be marriage first , Alder . We 'll have to work on that . Where is the mother of your two boys ? Her name is Spring correct ? I think a lovely spring wedding would be perfect ! After I have seen my grandsons , I should like to meet her , this Spring . " Lia took pity on her brother , and answered his silent plea for help . " Mama , I can feel the baby moving . Do you want to feel ? " Which effectively drew Elly 's attention to her daughter . Spring found Claudio upstairs in his bedroom . She paused a moment , to consider her plan , and whether or not she wanted to follow through with it . Then she pushed the door open . Alder wasn 't the only one who could sleep with other people . She lifted her chin up . She had been told by plenty of other men that she was pretty . She needed to feel pretty again . Alder only paid attention to their boys , and not her . She was jealous of her own children . It was time for a little payback . She tried to surprise Claudio , but her balance wasn 't quite right after those few Big Mistakes she had made for herself . She wobbled too much , and made too much noise . " Claudio ! " she said brightly . Spring moved in closer to him , and smiled . She ran one finger down his bare chest . " Well , I was thinking . . . " Before she could finish that thought , she found herself thrust far away from him . " What in the hell do you think you are doing ? " he asked harshly . " Obviously you 're not using your brain , because that was a pretty brainless thing you just did ! You need to figure out your relationship with Alder , and leave me out of it . Sober up Spring , and don 't let this happen again ! I won 't tell Lia this time , because it would kill her , she actually likes you ! " Spring hung her head , and whispered , " Sorry . " She felt so humiliated , what had seemed like a good idea , wasn 't . She hadn 't even been thinking of Lia , who had befriended her , at all . She had only been thinking of herself . She ran out of the room . Claudio tracked his wife down . She was standing in the kitchen with her parents , her eyes alight with excitement as she and her mother discussed the benefits of different herbs . Her father just nodded his head every once in while , a slight smile on his lips . Claudio watched her for several minutes , waiting for a break in the conversation . He had never seen anyone as beautiful as his wife , she just glowed . Once the conversation died down , Claudio pulled his wife into his arms and kissed her passionately . " I love you Lia . " Monty said . He had married the most amazing woman . He was so blessed . He felt sorry for Spring , and he sincerely hoped that she could get things straightened out with Alder . Lia snuggled closer to Claudio . " Hmmm , I love you too . " Several hours later Lia went into labor . Her labor was much shorter than Spring 's , for within twenty minutes she gave birth to a daughter , Alyssa . " Claudio ! " Lia said exasperated . " I do wish you wouldn 't toss her about and get her stomach upset right before I have to feed her ! " Claudio was not the only involved father . Alder was really enjoying being a parent , he found great joy in teaching Ryder new things . Like how to walk . Alder was a bit preoccupied though , and missed out on the cake and ice cream . An old friend from his University days had shown up on his doorstep , she said she really needed to talk to him . So he let her in , where they stared at each other for several moments . Then she launched into his favorite kind of talk , and she ended up staying . It made for some awkward moments , especially for Spring , who pretended that she didn 't care that one of his old lovers had shown up unexpectedly . Spring was unhappy to hear that woman was staying for a couple days , at Alder 's request . In fact , Spring was downright ticked at Alder , and could have happily , cheerfully even , strangled him . She wished she didn 't love him so much , she wished that she could just move on , but she seemed to have this masochistic desire to stay with him , no matter how much it hurt . What was her other choice ? To end things between them ? To move out , and never be a part of his life ? And what of her boys ? She just couldn 't let go of her dream yet , she couldn 't let go of him yet . But she was darned if that woman was going to sleep in her bed ! The next few days passed by quickly , Alder showed Esther around Sun River . He had been happy to see her , but he couldn 't deny that he was happy she was leaving soon . Things had been tense between him and Spring , and he found he didn 't like the tension between them . She was mad at him for some reason , Alder couldn 't figure out why , but he knew that after a few days of charming her , she would forget all about whatever it was that had made her so upset . Alder wasn 't a cook by any means , but he could make a pretty mean salad . After dinner he was dropping Esther off at the train station . Though , now that he looked at her , she looked a little green like the salad she had just eaten . He sure hoped he wasn 't sending her home with food poisoning ! ! ? It was funny though , Alder mused to himself . Esther never did tell him why she had needed to talk to him in the first place . Unless she had just wanted to see him again ? Notes : In case you all are wondering , Lia has the insane trait . So sometimes her clothes don 't match up to the occasion . She prefers sleeping in her swimsuit , for example . lol The nice thing about insane sims , is I actually get to see the wardrobe I spend hours putting together but rarely use ! = ) Birthdays and age - - - I had some sort of an aging glitch , which was quite irksome . I almost lost Reilly to a premature death , talk about your heart attacks . How funny too , because he is not real , lol But I literally pulled him from the jaws of death . I invited Reilly and Elly over from MV , when he arrived he was OLD ! Reilly was still not quite half way through his adult stage when I left him in MV . Kit still wasn 't old . So I added Reilly and Elly to a local household , so that I could fix Reilly 's age . I made him an adult again , and adjusted his age using MC . I figured he should still have a few days left of adulthood . 10 minutes after I did that , SP gave me a notice that he died of old age . I went into a panic , and actually posted at Twallan 's site , lol I was concerned that SP was going to take away Reilly if I hit the unpause button . Thankfully it did not , but that 's how close he was to dying . I think whatever that was may have affected the kids . Because somehow they all ended up with the same birthday , when clearly Alyssa and Niall were born a day apart . Spring really did try flirting with Claudio . Darn sims , got to keep your eye on them every moment . She is flirty , Claudio is not . He didn 't appreciate her effort at all , and rebuffed her quite harshly . Then he berated her ignorance , lol Funny enough , after that happened , he did go looking for Lia , and gave her one of those heat of the moment kisses , which I thought was quite sweet . All of that was autonomous . I also had Spring working on her mixologist skill while she was pregnant . I was taking pics of that , and suddenly she goes into labor . Ha ! So I had to include all that , lol My baby brother , who is 21 , is autistic . I still watch him for my Mom while she is at work . When he is upset , he will say quite loudly , " Son of a baby monkey ! " lol So , I got that from my * little * brother . Two final notes - - Dora had a boy , and it was named some awful name , poor boy . Wilbert I think it was , it fits for her high end society type . And two , Antonio keeps calling Claudio , he 's even shown up in town ~ When they got back home , Alder excitedly shared their plans for the future with his father . " So , Dad , while we were at University , Lia and I , well , and Monty , we started talking about what we were going to do when we graduate . Lia wants to get into directing movies , and I have my band , well , Monty follows Lia , anyway , we all decided that Monte Vista simply doesn 't have the opportunities to grow in our careers . " " So we all decided we should move to a bigger city together . We can split the higher costs of living , so finances won 't be a problem . I already have several gigs set up there and I 've talked to several people in New City about renting a house there , so our housing is taken care of . Monty and Lia want to get married here first , before we go , so that the family can be there to see her get married . " " Hmmm , " Reilly said . " It sounds like you all have it all figured out then . So how soon after the wedding will you guys be moving ? " " Well , " Alder thought for a moment . " Lia says she can pull together her wedding in less than a week . So I hope to be in New City within the next ten days . " Reilly nodded . " Ten days huh ? That won 't give your mother much time to get used to the idea of you guys moving out . Moving out and moving away . " " I know . " Alder nodded his head . " Mom 's gonna freak . " He rolled his eyes . " She wants me to move to her homeland and give her grandchildren . I have no interest in getting married or having kids , I just want to write my music and play my guitar . And get paid to do it ! " He shrugged . " I can 't stay here , it would be career suicide . " Reilly smiled sadly . " I understand Alder . I will miss you guys , but I agree with you that it is a good idea for your chosen careers . " Lia declared that she wanted to get married at the very spot where she first met Claudio . So the next several days the house was a flurry of activity as everyone pitched in to help with Claudio and Lia 's wedding . Until finally , the Wedding Day arrived . Alder had to fortify himself , weddings were not his thing . The juice keg had been his idea , and it was pretty fine idea if he didn 't say so himself . " If you get the groom juiced up before his wedding , your sister is going to loosen your head off of your shoulders . And I 'll help her ! Now , go make yourself useful ! " " No good deed goes unpunished . " Alder grumbled under his breath as he set Monty back on his feet . At least , Monty no longer looked like he was about to pass out from nerves , he even had some color back in his face , Alder thought . Alder was finding it quite amusing that Monty , Mr . Calm himself , kept letting his nerves get to him . Not that he blamed him , if he had to marry Lia , he would probably jump off the nearest cliff to end his suffering quickly . Monty had given him a funny look when Alder told him that . He even said he wasn 't nervous about marrying Lia , he was nervous about being around so many Kahekilis at once , en masse . Monty 's family wasn 't as large and as extensive as the Kahekilis , and Lia didn 't want to hurt anyone 's feelings , so she had invited every family member , no matter how distantly related . Claudio 's nervousness faded though along with the rest of the world , once he was standing under the arch , with his beautiful bride looking at him in adoration . The next morning , Alder , Claudio and Lia left for New City . Lia 's first impressions of New City were not favorable . Nor were her second impressions . The house was the clincher though , she didn 't like it . " I don 't like it . " she said emphatically . Lia opened her mouth to fire back , but Claudio swooped in and kissed her , forestalling her next words . " Lia , we need to be open minded and give it a chance , okay ? If you still don 't like it , we 'll find a different city to live in . " Alder snorted . Here was the fatal flaw to his plan . He was going to be living with newlyweds . At least Claudio got Lia to see reason , which was a miracle in Alder 's opinion . Lia was rarely reasonable . Alder decided this was a good time to check out where his next gig was going to be . " I 'm going out . " he said to no one in particular . He wasn 't surprised when no one answered either . A few wrong turns later , he finally found the place , and walked in . He pushed the door open , walked in and seated himself at the bar . Then he got a good look at the woman behind the bar , and a smile crept on his face . His night just magically got better . " Heard of you ! I heard you guys at University Park , and you were simply amazing ! When Jones told me that you guys would be playing here for a few nights , I actually begged to come to work ! " With stars in her eyes she asked him , " Would you mind autographing this napkin ? " She slid a napkin and pen over to him . Alder scrawled his signature on it and passed them back to her . " What 's your name Doll ? " Alder didn 't know why , and he didn 't question it either , he just had this way with chicks . Within a manner of minutes , he had Spring 's phone number , and her address . And some passionate kissing behind the bar . After a few more tussles in the photo booth , he made his way home . He was still too keyed up to sleep , so he swam some laps in the indoor pool at his new digs . He called that quits though and decided to go outside for a walk when he overheard his sister and Monty . There were just some things a brother didn 't want to hear , he thought in disgust . Newlyweds , what was he thinking ? " Oh , I know what you like . " she smiled at him . " I had to attend yet another one of Tobin 's boring fundraisers , then he informed me that I should run along home now , like I 'm some kind of lap dog poodle . " she said bitterly . Then she brightened up , and ran a finger down Alder 's chest . " I was hoping you 'd be here . " she whispered . " Do you like the house I found for you ? " " The house is great ! I love it ! You said it 's owned by your husband 's father , the Mayor of New City , right ? Won 't he mind . . . " Dora laughed softly . " Not in the slightest . They both think they have me under their thumb , but no one owns me . They were pathetically happy to lease it out too , the taxes are so expensive in this neighborhood . It is one of the few green areas in New City . " Alder was relieved that the house was all quiet when they went inside . He hoped his sister and Monty were sleeping . Another thing he didn 't think about , roommates could really cramp his style . It didn 't take Dora long to bring his attention back to her . The weeks passed by quickly . Alder was thrilled with his new life , while Lia was still trying to adjust . She just didn 't like all the concrete and smog , she felt like she was being suffocated . Her career was going well , she was making lots of great contacts , and she spent hours going through scripts . Claudio holed up in a room and painted while Lia was at work . Everything fell into a rhythm , until that fateful day , when Alder 's life was changed forever . When Alder went to answer it , he noticed it was Spring . He hadn 't seen her in a while , she had started making noises about commitment , and he had backed out as fast as his wings could take him . He had this faint premonition , that if he let her inside his home , his life would never be the same . He contemplated not answering , but in the end he decided that was a cowardly thing to do , and he wasn 't a coward . So he opened the door . " Uh yeah , sorry , I 've been busy . " He winced at his own lameness . " You look well , though , " he said . " you 've put on some weight , but hey , you carry it well . " He groaned inwardly . Where was his legendary charm now ? He had pretty much called her fat , and that was number one no no in the Charm handbook . Spring continued to talk , the words nervously pouring from her lips . " Sorry to spring this , ha ha , spring , anyway , sorry to spring this on you this way . But I 'm in a bit of a bind . I lost my job , because the Boss man says a pregnant lady doesn 't sell drinks , that in fact she scares away customers . And he can 't afford to lose any business due to my stupidity . But without the job , I didn 't have any money , so I lost my apartment . I don 't have a place to stay , I don 't have any money , I 'm due to give birth to your child any day now , and I just need a place to crash for a while . Can I stay here ? " She did ! She used the words pregnant and yours in the same sentence ! Then she added to it , with the whole can I stay with you bit . With an effort , he shook the shock off . " Uh , sure . " Really , what else could he say ? She was homeless , penniless , and pregnant with his child , only a complete jerk would tell her no . He was going to be a father , he felt ill at the thought . He still had to tell Lia and Monty they were going to have another roommate . Lia was going to freak . Lia looked at Alder as if he had lost his mind . " Temporary ? Are you crazy ? This is a child we are talking about Alder ! A child ! A child is not temporary , a child is a lifetime commitment ! " Both siblings were yelling at each other , forgetting that the object of their conversation was in the same room . " . . . when you first met her . Yeah , yeah , I 'm familiar with your game plan Romeo . The way you lead these girls on , it is despicable ! This one just happens to be pregnant with your kid . " " A fact I am well aware of , thank you very much ! And what do you mean about leading them on ? I 'm upfront and honest from the get go , I 'm not interested in long term . I can 't help it that some seem to take that as a challenge ! " He started to say something more , but Spring 's soft voice stopped him . " I didn 't ask you to marry me . " she said with quiet dignity . " I just need a place to crash for a little bit , while I get back on my feet . I 'm sorry to be such a burden on you , but I 'll get out of your hair as soon as I can . " Alder turned towards Spring in surprise , he had forgotten she was even in the room . " Uh , sorry Spring . " he said sheepishly . " It 's an old fight between Lia and I , and doesn 't really have anything to do with you personally . She 's just an annoying , nosy busy body that tries to run everyone 's life her way . " Alder hugged Spring affectionately . " Take no mind of us , we argue a lot , just ask Monty . You 're not a burden , but you did give me quite a surprise ! " he added on , when Spring looked at him skeptically . " But hey , I 'm an eternal optimist , and I already see several good things about this situation . " Alder smiled at Spring . " Well , I 've been thinking about it , and if I have a little dude , I can teach him all about guitars and girls . " Alder warmed up to his subject . " I 've also decided you look really hot . " He eyed her body appreciatively . " I 've never said that about a pregnant woman in my entire life . Never thought it either , but being that 's it my kid in there , makes all the difference . You are rocking some curves woman ! And even better . . . " He pulled Spring into his arms , and she went willingly . " We can have sex and not worry about you getting pregnant , the deed is already done . " Spring had tried to let him go , though it had nearly killed her . She had made the tragic mistake of talking about marriage and children , and he had backed off so quickly it made her head spin . It hurt too , that he could so casually and easily walk away from her . Then she found out she was pregnant . She thought briefly about telling him , but decided against it . She didn 't want him with her because he was forced into it . She wanted him to choose her . Then she lost her job , and her place , and she had no where else to go . Ten minutes in his company , and she found herself wishing he would offer to marry her . Ten minutes for her to realize she wasn 't over him , she still loved him , no matter that he had hurt her . He had told her he wasn 't into long term , and she hadn 't been either , at first . The more time she spent with him though , the more that changed . She couldn 't really blame him , she had changed the rules , and he had decided he didn 't want to play by them . Now they had this baby to consider . She wanted them to be a family . She wanted his answer to his sister 's question , Are you going to marry her ? , to be a yes . Maybe , with enough time , he would fall in love with her . So she would use whatever time she had , to tie him as close to her as she could . It had to work . The heartache if it did not was unthinkable . Less than a week later , Spring felt the first labor pains hit her . It was Alder 's turn to freak out . He was about to become a Dad . The responsibility of it was frightening . He wasn 't ready . What did he know about babies ? What if he dropped it , or rolled over it in bed while sleeping , or ? ? ? His brain hurt with all that thinking ! Alder felt a mixture of awe , elation , and pride as he stared at his son . He could hardly believe he was half responsible for his little dude being here . He was even cute , for a kid . Spring 's thoughts must have been similar to his own as she commented , " He 's gorgeous , the best looking baby ever ! " She crooned nonsense words to Ryder , who made little mewling noises back at her . They looked at each other and smiled . Alder felt exhilarated , flushed with joy . This having kids thing wasn 't so bad , he decided . Spring handed Ryder to him , and he stared at the blue bundle in his arms . " Hey little Dude , welcome to the family ! " Ryder started fussing within a couple of minutes , and rooting about Alder 's chest . " Hey little Dude , I don 't have the equipment you 're looking for . Let 's get you back to your Mom , okay ? " He handed Ryder off to her . Spring sat down in the rocker and began to nurse Ryder . Who knew the sight of Spring nursing his son would be such a turn on ? Alder thought to himself . But it was , and he could have happily stayed there and watched , except for the untimely doorbell ring followed by Lia yelling , " Alder , it 's for you ! " So , with a sigh , he left Spring and Ryder and went downstairs to see who his visitor was . He saw a very pregnant Dora Martell on his doorstep . Crap , he had a bad feeling about this . " We have a problem ? " he echoed her words , but he couldn 't stop staring at her stomach . She was so . . . fat . Whereas he had found Spring so irresistibly attractive he had a hard time keeping his hands off her while she was pregnant , perversely the same could not be said of Dora . She just looked fat to him , he didn 't have the slightest interest in her pregnant body . Maybe her kid wasn 't his ? He tried to count back the number of months it had been since they had ended their affair , but he was hopeless . He just couldn 't remember the particulars . She pasted on a fake smile . " Cute . I 'm not in a cute mood Alder . Tobin found out that you are the father of this baby . " Darn , shot that theory down , Alder thought bemusedly . What was the difference between Spring and Dora then ? Dora was more his type , she didn 't want permanence either , their break up had been amicable . Spring , she wanted more from him than he was capable of giving . He tried to put distance between them , but it was just no good . She 'd give him a look , and he was a goner . Maybe once she was out of his house , things would go back to normal . He refused to acknowledge the small pang that thought brought . " No , I don 't think you 've got it , Alder . Tobin and I haven 't slept together in years , we stay together for our kids and his political aspirations . He has money , power , connections , things I find important . He is furious that I slept with you . For his attachment to his political career , and my attachment to his position , we have come to an agreement . Can we take this inside ? " she asked suddenly , as if she just became aware they were still standing outside his front door for all to see . Alder shrugged , and led the way into the house . " Ooo . . . kay . " Alder said , but he didn 't get it . He was already out of her life . Were they afraid he was going to take the kid from them ? He could calm her fears on that one , while he liked little Dude well enough , he wasn 't exactly ready for two of them . Dora sighed and shook her head . Then she spoke to him as if he were a dull witted child . " Gone , Alder . As in leave this house , leave this town , gone . No contact with us or this child ever , type of gone . For all intents and purposes , this child will be Tobin 's , and not yours . " Her phone beeped , she took it out and looked at it . " Just a second , Tobin texted me to ask if we were done talking yet . I 'll just text him back and let him know we 're just wrapping it up . " " Whoa , Dora , I 'm not sure about that type of gone . There is my career to consider and all . We could move , I suppose . " He winced when he considered what Lia 's reaction to that would be . She already hated the town , but at least this house gave her a small patch of grass . She would really hate living in an apartment downtown . Still , if that is what they had to do , but Dora was shaking her head no . " I 've used some of my contacts in Sun River . It 's a lovely little town , with a growing downtown area . It is in the top 100 places in the world to live in . I 've procured you some starting gigs , a new job for your sister , and even a house to rent . Or , if you like it well enough , you could buy the house . " Alder thought for a moment . Could he really turn his back on his own child , and pretend like it didn 't exist ? What other choice did he have ? He wasn 't father material , even if he still felt a little warm and fuzzy over seeing the birth of his son . If he forfeited his rights to it , his child would grow up wealthy and privileged , with two parents looking over it . As if sensing his struggling thoughts , Dora chimed in with , " Think of what 's best for this baby Alder . Do you really want to take responsibility for me and it ? " Alder was horrified by the thought . Another woman underfoot in his house ? Unthinkable . Seeing his reaction , she pressed on , " I didn 't think so . This is the best idea , all around . You 'll know that your child is well provided for , and you 'll have none of the responsibility for it . " Reluctantly , Alder agreed to the deal . He felt slightly sick as he signed the legal paper she handed over to him that outlined the particulars of their deal . There was nothing else to be done though , it did seem to be the best thing for it . After he signed the paper , she whipped her phone out again and started texting . To her husband , he presumed . When she was done , she looked up from her phone with a genuine smile on her face . " Thanks Alder . This really is best , you 'll see . I wish you the best of everything in your new life . " She started for the door , but Alder called her name before she reached it . She turned towards him . " Yes ? " " Will you text me , when you have the baby ? Let me know if it was a girl or boy ? What you named it ? I know I don 't have the right to know , but I 'd like to . " Alder slumped into the nearest chair . Gone was his elation from earlier , instead he felt an inexplicable sadness in its place . Why did doing what he felt was right , feel so wrong ? This was what he hated about responsibility , he grumbled to himself . It was a huge weight on his shoulders , and it never seemed to go away , even when he did something right . Now he had to figure out a way to tell Lia they were moving , and why . And then he had to figure out what to do about Spring and Ryder . He sighed grumpily . How did he get himself into these situations ? Notes : So , Lia 's thought on NYC were my own , lol . I liked the big city feel of it , but egads ! So many goofy glitches it was driving me batty , so I decided ( again ! ) to move them to a different city . I found one I like much better . It has a nice downtown center , and a suburban area for Lia . So , we 'll all be happier . = ) A big thank you again , to Reya , for uploading Gem Sari . Spring is genetically his , but there is no connection between our stories , lol Ryder counts , but Dora 's baby does not . That one is staying with its mother , in NYC . Alder is sad about it . : ( He thinks he 's done the right thing for the baby though , because he is not in a position in life to care for it himself . On the wedding - - - sorry it was so short . They refused to get married under the darn arch , no matter how many times I clicked on it , or them . They would walk over there , stand under the arch , and then the queue would drop from both of them . So I would try it again , and after wandering all over the place trying to find a spot where there wasn 't a Kahekili standing ( whose idea was it anyway to invite so many of them ? ? ? ) they would repeat the process . So - - - it is what it is , lol This is my Random Legacy . You can read more about it here : The Random Legacy Challenge . There is an ongoing discussion about it on MTS here : Random Legacy Thread Heir : Skylar KahekiliFamily Structure : Full House Sim2 : Luna KahekiliSim3 : Jack KahekiliSim4 : Hawk # kids : 3 / 3Income : EducationSecondary : SculptorSecondary : Plumbot builderSecondary : AlchemistGen . Goal : FulfilledMisc . Fun : Hands Off I am married ( Sept . 1994 ) with 4 kids . My husband and I just started our own business ( Jan . 2011 ) . I homeschool our kids and I am addicted to Sims3 ! : P Hello ! It 's been awhile . This past year has been busy . I had a baby and bought a house . Things have been settling down back into a normal routine , so I 've . . . " This shouldn 't take long , " Taylor clicked the pen she held in one hand . " What is your connection to Andre Parker ? " Mariah 's head . . . " Today is the day , " Illdrid said while embracing her sister . " James is waiting for me . I 'll just drop my things off and meet you at the chapel . " |
This is a story of a man . A truly great man , who without a doubt spent his whole life doing exactly what he should have been doing . A man who loved God and his family always . Who 's faith and love never wavered . Imagine never having any reason for regrets because you have done the absolute best thing you could do with your life without fail … This is a story of such a man . On May 24 , 1926 , a child was born in the country home of Lonnie and Ida . A boy . He was their first child . Being a farmer , I can imagine that Lonnie was quite proud that his first child was a son … Having a son was very important during this time . But even so , Lonnie and Ida could not have been aware of how special this son was . They could have not known what kind of man this son would grow to be . Nor could they have known how many lives would be touched and made better by this child that must have been so tiny on that day . They named their first child . . Their first son , Dencal Ray Cave . Ida grew to call him " Ray boy " and continued calling him that for all of her life . I can still hear her calling him , " Ray boy , will you come fix my thermostat , it 's too hot in this house . . " As she called on him many times a day as she grew older and " Ray Boy " was always happily ready to drop what ever he may have been doing to go and turn his mother 's heat up or down … Open a window … Cook her a meal . . No task was too small or large for him as long as he was able to help his mother . But this was many many years after that day in 1926 . Many years after he had spent his life time of dedication to not only his mother , but his whole family . Now I don 't know what happened in his life before the age of 12 , as I only know what I have been told about his younger days . I do know he went to school for only a few short years … And that the importance of school was very low on the list of things his parents found important for him . I can imagine , that he probably spent much of his very young childhood helping his mother with simple chores around the house and garden ; until his body grew strong enough for the tougher chores his father needed him for . Attending school during the winter months as most children of that time did , when the farm work was lessened by the cold . At the age of 12 , " Ray Boy " became a man . He was quite proud that he had gotten his brand new social security number which I 'm sure made him feel that he counted as a man in this country that he loved so much , these United States ! But what made him a man was that it was then he got a job outside the family farm and started adding money 's to the family funds . He never even had any thoughts that he shouldn 't have to give his money to his parents … " It was his duty to help his parents in what ever way he could " is the only way he could think , being already the person that he would be for his life . At age 18 when he was drafted , his father would have gladly protested the draft , as he was the only son . . But Ray could not allow this … Even though it was his terrible fear that he may indeed be forced to take another man 's life … He felt that it was his duty to answer the call his country had made to him . And off to war he went . While over seas , he had most of his pay sent home to his parents so they would have money to raise his youngest sister … Even then , he was still doing the best he could to help his family . It wasn 't an obligation to him , it was just what he did . That was just who he was . He couldn 't have done anything any differently . Somehow , he did manage to get through the war without ever shooting or hurting anyone . He was quite proud of that . His love for God made his beliefs very strong that he had no right to take the life of another . He did his duty and what ever he was told to do . . Without ever shooting anyone . His life was often in great pearl however , as he was a front line solder . He and the others in his troupe had several very close calls . Some of these being so " close " that it can only be believed that God had made sure to keep him safe . And he praised God over and over again throughout the rest of his years . He soon married . . From this marriage he gained four children . And he worked hard and long hours to provide for his new family . He did what he thought was best for his family … He could not do anything else … Even still , some people in his life might not always see the good intentions , while they could only see the lonely nights and days without him there . If doing what he felt was what he was supposed to be doing helped his family . . It did not always help him . Living on God 's chosen path is not always a pleasant walk . But Ray did stay on that path … Through the good times and the bad … He was not perfect . . As no man is … He did stumble . . But always he managed to pick himself up before the fall was complete and continue on his path . When his marriage ended . . Ray found himself a single father to his youngest two daughters . ( His other two children were already grown . ) A soon to be teenager and a six year old who were now totally his responsibility . Knowing that his girls would need supervision while he was working and also probably thinking they needed a woman in their lives … Ray moved back to his parents home , after being on his own for so many years . This must have been a hard choice for him to make , but he did what he felt he had to do for the sake of his daughters . After a few years , when he felt he had the resources , he took his daughters and moved to a new state ; to a new life . This move eventually led him to meet a woman who he fell in love with . The woman was indeed his second love , but she was his soul mate . After their marriage , as the years went by , it was easy to see they were soul mates . His daughter 's grew up and left home . . He continued to be the man he had always been . All anyone , family , friend or neighbor had to do was call out to him and he was there for them in whatever they needed . When his youngest daughter came to him , broken hearted and soul bruised . . He took her into his arms and gave her comfort . Taking care of her again as he had when she was a child , until she could heal enough to care for herself again . He did this out of the free unconditional love he had . Never did he remind her that she had chosen the path that had led her to her own destruction even against his advise … . He never said anything about anything that his daughter had done . . He simply loved her as he loved everyone . Free without a price . When his wife became ill , he spent his days as her care taker . Even while by this time his age was advanced and his body was beginning to tire . . He never rested until his wife was resting . He took care of her until there was nothing he could no longer do for her , except love her and that never faltered . Even after she was gone . . His love for her remained strong and he would have it no other way . . Even though it caused him much pain . Finally , he agreed to move in with his youngest daughter . He was lonely and he felt that she needed him . He was right ! She did need him to be close to her . She was finally old enough to realize how important a man her father had always been to her and now she needed to be with him . As he aged , he slowed … But he didn 't stop being the man he had always been . Many times in those two years after moving in with his daughter he answered calls for help from friends and family . All the while , hiding his own pain . . A pain that even his daughter didn 't understand for a long time because he would not allow her to see . I am that youngest daughter . On January 11 I lost my Dad . The only man who ever gave me totally free and unconditional love without ever asking for anything in return . How will I ever go on with life without him in it ? When I started this blog , I began a journey . A journey of self discovery . I did it with a purpose . I knew what I was doing and I knew it needed to be done . I had closed off my anger , and pain many years ago … . Locked away in a closet and threw away the key were all the bad feelings that I couldn 't deal with any more . I had allowed myself to live with the pain and anger for two years , when it all happened . When I lost my children , I lost my family , I lost myself . Those first two years were the hardest years of my life . . I was sure they were the hardest years of anyone 's life . I begged God on a daily basis to let me die and end the torment . If I was alone at all , for any time , I was curled into the fetal position , sobbing and pleading with God to stop the pain . For two years this went on … behind closed doors … I couldn 't let anyone see it but it was always there . Over and over , I kept remembering something my step mother had said many times during my life ; " God will never put more on you than you can handle . " But it was of no comfort , because I was not handling this pain at all . I knew I couldn 't keep it up … I felt … . Forgotten . God had forgotten me … The pain just got worse and worse and God had forgot to turn it off and soon I would implode because it was indeed more than " I " could handle ! At some point I decided that I must have been so evil that I was sentenced to hell . I was sure that my life was the " hell " that everyone warned about . So this was how it was . You didn 't die to go to hell … You lived . And I laid in secret , in my fetal position and begged God to forgive my evilness and release me from this hell . Everyday , every night , for two years , I begged , I cried , I screamed for escape from my own hell . Then one day , I just accepted it . I " knew " that there was no release for me . I could find no way out . This was all I had , my hell . . It was all I would ever have again . I stopped begging for relief from the pain . I accepted that I was evil and I had to pay for it … Forever . A strange thing happened when I accepted the pain . Somehow , when I stopped fighting for relief , I was able to shut out the pain . I shut out the pain that was always there in my chest . I didn 't dwell on it , because I accepted as part of my normal life … Some how , this made it possible to forget the pain … The anger … I simply shoved it into that " closet " and closed the door . And I lived again . I can 't say that it was like freedom from the pain , because it was if the pain had never existed . I had completely eradicated it … Or so I thought … What I didn 't know , all those years , was that when I locked away the " hurt " I had to lock away the memories … and a part of myself . The only way I could forget the bad parts , was to forget the good parts as well . I couldn 't lock away the pain of loosing my children , if I didn 't lock away the memories of being a mother . Becoming a mother shaped who I was … loosing my children was tearing away part of myself … Forgetting the pain of that was loosing myself . I had to start over . I had to rebuild who I was … I became a different person . In truth , I never liked this new person I had become … But I had to do it to survive . When I began to remember … I found that closet door and found a tiny crack and tried to peak into it . What I discovered was that I had not locked away all my pain in that closet after all . I had locked myself into the closet and everything else was out side … . The person I was … Life … And yes all the pain that goes with it is just outside that closet door . And so my journey began . The first time I had a " revelation " I thought wow , look at me , I 'm out in the real world again ! I felt elated that I had beaten down the denial so easily . I had found myself again and I was so proud . Then I bumped into a wall . Bam ! What was that ? ! A wall ? How could there be a wall out here ? Sure enough though , I bared the bruises from that wall . Finally , I realize the truth . I have begun the journey , but only just . . I haven 't stepped out of that closet yet … I haven 't even found the door knob yet … I managed to build a window and let some light in . . But it is still to easy to shut the curtains on the light , when I feel the pain … The pain is so bad . It is just as bad as I remember . It 's too much some times and I can 't take it , I can 't relive this … But I have to . I know that . And so I peak past the curtains , even open them a bit again … Until the pain is too much and I close them again . How long is this journey ? How long will it take to tear down the curtains … When will I find the lock ? Can I turn that door knob ? With each new discovery , I hope I gain strength , strength enough to make it out all the way . I can 't go back … I know that … But I have to learn to go forward . I can 't go forward until I am completely able to face my past … How long is this Journey ? Reminded me of the day I said goodbye to my precious daughters forever . These so called " handing over ceremonies " remind me of that day that the social worker at CPS " allowed " me to say goodbye to my girls . Before I was allowed to see my children , I was told what I should or should not say to them . " You need to make it ok for them . " … Just as this agency seem to script what the mother should do or say at the " handing over ceremony " , I was given a verbal script to follow . So that it would " make it ok " for my kids to be saying goodbye to their mother and going to a stranger and suddenly calling her mother . What could one do or say to make such an unnatural thing , " OK " ? Just as what could the mother of that new born baby do or say to make it ok for her to hand her baby to some other woman and call herself … . Arrr " Birthmother " ? ? How could telling a five and a three year old that I couldn 't take good care of them any more and that I wanted them to be happy , so I am giving them to someone who could take care of them , do anything to make this OK ? ! How could saying something that horrible not cause my children pain and guilt ? ! Children almost always feel guilt when there is a divorce of the parents … How could me saying such horrid things about them leaving me and going to live with strangers not make them think that they had been bad , so bad that mommy couldn 't care for them any more . But this is indeed what the social worker wanted me to say . Repeating the sentence several times so that I would remember the words … How could I say that horrid lie to my children ? What more damage would that statement caused on top of the damage that was already being done to them ! Just as the " handing over ceremony " is suggested being done in a controlled environment , such as the adoption agency . My goodbye was carefully planned and controlled at all times by the CPS workers . When I was left alone , in that sparsely furnished room … I broke free from their control … But only for a moment . I told my children that I loved them and wanted to keep them more than anything else in life . I told them the truth , that I wasn 't given a choice , that I had to let them go . I told them how wonderful they were and that no matter what I wanted only their happiness , but I was not in control of this now . I told them that someday they would be able to look for me and I would never be far . And that I would always be waiting for them . I told them they were good girls and none of this was ever their fault … When did " It " happen ? ! I don 't know … I was talking as fast as I could , I was holding my children as close as I could and telling them of my love as much as I could before " they " came back . Suddenly , the door burst open , as if the swat team themselves had come to break down the door ! So many men and women in suits came bursting into the room ! Some time during the fast and ferrous speech of love that I was giving my daughters , these suit people physically tore my children from my arms as they had already emotionally had done weeks before . My daughters ' screams mixed together with the screams of another , who I was surprised to learn was me . Just like the controlled environment that is suggested for the " handing over ceremony " ; they had their controls ready and quickly removed the threat that I might make my children understand that it was them , the horrid government agency that was supposed to protect them , the same government agency that I had went to for help in protecting my girls , that were tearing their lives apart . I had broken their rule , thou shall not let the CPS look bad , even if thou has to take the blame , thou must not let the CPS look bad . And they punished me by stripping me of my final goodbye to my children . What emotional scars did they give those two girls when they literally ripped them , kicking and screaming from my arms ? … And the video tape or pictures they suggest ? ! What is that ? ! Because they know , they even say it . That the mother will not remember some things ! What they don 't say is why she won 't remember some things . Because she is so emotionally traumatized that her brain is not capable of holding all her memories . that her HUMAN brain could not handle that much pain , so it will repress some memories , and may even dump some memories forever . That year for me has many holes in my memories . I see that year of my life in a serious of images , as if there were photos on the screen of my brain , flashing one after the other in no perticular order and none of them fit together . Some of these images even seem foreign to me , as if I had retrieved someone else 's photos at the shop . I remember some things all too clearly . I remember the day I said goodbye to my girls as clear as if it were yesterday . I remember what it felt like to hold them to me and smell their sweet hair and kiss their soft face … I remember the pain , I can still feel the pain in my chest as I watched my girls being carried away … . I don 't remember ever leaving that room …… Do I want pictures or video of that day to remind me ? OHHHHHH God No ! I couldn 't stand to see it in real world , when I can see it so clearly in my head . Do I want some of my lost memories back … I think yes … In point , that last day of seeing my girls , I was then , unknown to me yet , pregnant with their brother … . I do remember finally figuring out I was pregnant , I do remember being sick the whole time , I do remember working right on up until the day I went into labor … I can 't see it though . I can 't feel my son moving inside my womb in my memories . I can 't see myself with large belly wobbling around . I can 't remember the special details of that pregnancy as I can remember the pregnancies of my daughters . I want to ! I want to be able to pull those memories out of what ever lock box they are in . I want to remember my son 's first kick . I want to remember how it felt to have him wiggling inside my womb . So , I 've been a funk for several days now . Not that this is any big news … I get this way … We all do … . But this time I seek to know what has caused this particular " funk " . Sometimes I know , sometimes I don 't . This time , I didn 't … Until I started letting my mind have it 's own way . And I realized it is getting worse , the close it gets to August . My oldest daughter 's birth month . I fear that this year it will be very hard . I know why . It is because I 've put all this " adoption / adoption loss stuff " for most in my mind of late . I may not write in my blog on a regular basis , but I do make it a part of my regular daily schedule to read other first mother 's / adoptive mother 's and adopted adults blogs . So this year , I spend each day searching these sites , one because many of them I feel a kinship to and I want to see how they are doing and two , I look for insight from their experiences into my own psyche . Shaping this daily routine has had it 's benefits to me . I don 't feel so alone any more . I now understand my feelings better , after seeing them through other people 's eyes . But it also leaves me more open to the " triggers " in my life . Such as birth months . For many years , the birth months have been only pain full for a week or so surrounding the actual birthday and of course the worst day being the birthday of each of my children . Oh yes , when it was fresh , in the years of the beginning , it was painful even a month before , when someone would say " oh , wow , it 's almost August … School will be starting soon . " I would cringe and think , I have no children to send to school now … I have a daughter who will be … ( what ever age my oldest would be on that year ) but I can 't send her or her sister and brother to school any more , ever ! But not this year . This year it feels like it did in the beginning . Or maybe it is like a wound that has formed a thin scab and I 've ripped the scab off . Causing the wound to once again bleed . ( ok , that 's a really disgusting visual but it is what it is . ) I think that is how it must be for mother 's who have lost their children to adoption . In the beginning , the grief is just like anyone else that has lost loved ones … But eventually you have to come to terms that the wound your heart has will never truly heal . It may scab over from time to time , making it slightly less painful , like an itch that you can 't scratch , but then some trigger comes along and rips that scab right off and you have this huge wound in your heart again . So here I am , with this giant wound in my heart , in my very soul . It is opening up again , getting bigger by the day and I 'm wondering how I will manage to " keep on going " this time . And also , I 'm wondering , why should I ? Why can 't I just lay down and sleep . It seems the only time I feel ok right now is when I am sleeping . Why can 't I just sleep until it goes away ? Why do I always have to be " the responsible one " ? I have to continue to go to work , so we 'll have money to eat with . . Even though , I just want to stay home and cry . I have to spend time with my dad , so he won 't feel lonely … Even though I just want to be alone ! I have to keep up with the house and the house hold bills , so my husband doesn 't have to worry about that and will be free to do his own job and have his free time to himself … Even though I really could care less if the house falls down or gets taken away … . Why do I keep going ? If I stopped doing it all , wouldn 't someone say " oh , I better take care of this . " Or at least wouldn 't they start to notice that something was different if I didn 't get out of bed in the morning ? Because they sure don 't notice anything now … Not like this . Of course , I do wear a thin facade to hide my depression . But the key word here is THIN . My disguise is so thin that anyone should be able to see the tears clearly behind it . But they don 't . And when I go home at night and cry into your pillow , no one knows . It 's not that there aren 't signs behind that fake smile I put forth to the public . There are many many signs of how sad I am , but no one sees them , why ? Because they don 't want to ! Because people in general are selfish ! They don 't want to know about the pain that other 's close to them are feeling because it might bring them down . Or maybe because they won 't know what to say . Maybe they are under the FALSE impression that if they know about someone close to them who is in pain , that they will need to have a way to fix it . And maybe because they can 't fix it , they don 't want to know cause then they themselves would feel inadequate . Well , sometimes you can 't fix it ! Sometimes all you can do is say I wish I could help take your pain . Sometimes all you can do is be there . Why can 't people see this ? ! Why ? ! Why can 't at the very least , My husband , say " honey , is anything wrong ? Do you need to talk ? " But he doesn 't . He doesn 't see any more than anyone else that sees me on a daily basis . I can 't bring myself to go to him and say " I need to talk " because to many times I 've done this and he 's always tried to find a " solution " where there is none . I don 't want someone to make me well again … I just want someone to say " I know you are in pain and I care . " But no one does . . So I just , " keep on going " for there is nothing else I can do . Briefly I considered taking a break from the blogs . But I can 't do that now . It may be a daily reminder of my loss , but it is also a daily reminder that I am not truly alone in the world . These other women , who I feel a deep friendship for , even though there is little communication between myself and them help me daily , when no one else in my life is willing to . So with their support , directly or indirectly , I 'll keep on going . A Post dedicated to my Sister … ( ( ( ( K ) ) ) ) So my sister 's visit as come and went . Each year , I 'm so thankful , that she makes it so . She comes for one week . One , tiny all to fast week . Ahhh , it is such sweet sadness . Each year , I get so excited at her up coming arrival that for weeks before I am a mess . I worry over everything , wanting everything to be just perfect for her while she is here . Plan so many events for her and I that I know will never take place . I am so delighted to have this stressful time in my life . My emotions are so confusing when it comes to my sister , K , my best friend . I look to her for advise about life , and yet , I feel so good when I am able to help her with life 's little problems . She is my older sister and I look up to her , and yet I am thrilled to know that she needs me as much as I need her … And when she visits for that one week each year … Boy is that a confusing time . My hustle and bustle to prepare for her visits wear on me body and soul and it feels … Wonderful ! Then she arrives . . And it 's like everything is all right . All of life 's problems slip away into dark shadows , not to be recognized for that wonderful week . Life is so perfect for that one week … . ( I know this may seem daunting to K . Knowing this is what she does . . Wondering how she could live up to such . ) But really she doesn 't have to do anything ! She is who she is and that is enough . Enough to have all my worries fall away for one sweet week of reprise . And yet … Each day of her visits are bitter / sweet . As each day I realize that it is one day closer to the end . The week passes in a blink of an eye , and yet … While she is here . . It feels as if she has always been here . Always been apart of my household and that the week has been forever … And then she is gone … So soon . . And it is like I 'm missing a part of myself again . This year was hard to comprehend her departure because I had to work . Never again … Next year will be planned much better . I need to be able to see her off . I said good bye to her thJuly 24 , 2006 Posted by sheribat | I have met many wonderful women in my search for peace . Many who you will find links to their blogs on this site ; and many more that I have not yet linked to . ( Only because I am lazy . ) And my wonderful new group that I share emails with everyday . Such a wonderful group of women who know the pain of loosing their child through adoption . These women choose to share their friendship with others and help others in pain and every day life . Some of these women still do not know how they have helped me personally by telling their stories . I lurk on their blogs daily . Searching for ones who have updated with anticipation . Reading each word they write over and over again with amazing connection . I know these feelings of which they write . I see their pain , I feel their pain as it is so much like my own . And with each new day , each new blog entry , I find myself feeling … Not alone . I 'm not alone any more ! And that feels good . It was with one of these women that I had an email communication with that led me to the path of Victim vs survivor . In hopes of bringing some peace into my life , she suggested that I stop looking at myself as a victim and realize that I am a survivor instead . Her letter was like a giant light bulb in my head . I was looking at myself as a victim . I had so much anger inside me that sometimes it felt as if the anger was all of me . I sometimes feel that if not for the anger and self pity , I would melt away into nothingness . The real question , the one I asked my friend was , how do I stop the anger and self pity from eating me alive ? How do I transition from Victim to Survivor . Her answer ? Her answer was amazing to me . More amazing was that I could not see this answer on my own . I guess sometimes you truly can 't see the forest , for the trees . " For a start you stop giving it a negative label . Have some compassion for yourself ; call it grief or loss . Call it psychic disturbance … . If you met another woman who had lost her children and was upset about it , would you tell her not to have her feelings ? " The answer is Of course Not ! The pain that I feel , the pain that all my first mother friends feel , we can not turn off ! We have to be allowed to feel this pain ! We have to acknowledge it and be allowed to know that it is real . We can 't hide it any longer ! We 've hid this pain in the closets of our hearts for too long . Letting it eat away at our Souls , so that no one would see . NO MORE ! Hiding our pain only makes us more the Victim ! It only makes the pain keep growing until it will eventually consume us . We have to bring it out of the closet and face it ! Acknowledge it as real and learn to reach out to others for help in standing , when standing alone is too hard ! This statement seems devastating when you look at it alone , but in truth , it can be very freeing . When you spend all your energy trying to stop the pain , when there is no real way of stopping it , you can end up in much more pain . Each day you ask when will I stop hurting so bad ! You allow yourself to feel guilty for the pain itself and that heaps itself onto the pain . Each night finds you screaming in silence and darkness . But there is something freeing when you allow yourself to embrace the ache in your heart . The emptiness is a part of you . You know that it is a part of your heart that makes you who you are now . And soon , even though you still have this aching in your heart , yes your very soul , you allow yourself to live also . By giving yourself permission to cry , you find that you also have room to live . You find ways to live with the loss that does not compromising your heart . " You learn to share your story with others . Write your story , channel your pain in other activities . Reach out to others who also feel this pain . Ask questions , the seek out the answers ! You are a survivor . Each day when you get out of bed , you are a survivor ! Living life , everyday makes you a survivor ! Each time you reach out to someone else in pain and embrace them , You are a survivor ! " So for all my dear , dear friends that have experience and are still experience the terrible heart break of loosing your child . To all of you , who wake each morning knowing your child will wake to hug someone else as their parents and not you . I chalenge you today to embrace your loss ! Give yourself permission to feel the loss . It is real ! Stop hiding in the shadows ! Search and seek out others who also know this grief ! Share your story and allow other 's to share their story with you ! Find ways to chanel your grief in constructive ways . Reach out with helping hand to others in ways that suit your special abitities ! It may be crafts , or writing or volenteering to help people who need a helping hand . This is not some magic cure ! There is not a tent revival Minister that can slap you on the forehead , " You 're Healed ! " But slowly , over time , when you give yourself permission to survive , you will begin to see that you are a survivor ! You always have been ! ( And for me , excepting my own challenge , I want you all to know , that I am here for you . Anytime you need someone to listen , just write to me . My heart is open to you . I don 't have answers to many questions , but I do have heart . I can be your friend . I can be here for you to express your grief . When we reach out to each other , we will find that it is also helping ourselves . Sometimes , all we can do is just listen . And that 's ok . Cause sometimes that 's all someone needs is for someone to listen . I am here for that ! If you find that you need someone to listen to you , I will be here for you . ) If I can get through this … . Maybe just maybe … . I don 't know … I 'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing all this down , any more . I first thought that it would help me heal … I 'm not sure that healing is possible any more . Then , as I posted each time , I thought , maybe someone else will stumble on this and be helped by it … . Do I really think that I can help anyone ? And a new thought has crept it 's way into my brain . What if , somehow , someday , one of my daughters were to stumble on to this site … I have no idea what they were told about me … . Even though I have reunited once with R years ago . I didn 't know that it was " reunion " then . I never heard of that term before . I just knew that I got to see my daughter . I got to talk to her . I got to hug her and tell her I loved her and then it was all gone . Maybe she was too young at the time ? Maybe she was told things … I wanted to tell her my story then , but I didn 't know how to tell her . She didn 't ask me anything . I always thought I should wait for her to ask … But this is another subject , for another post … Now I am stalling . I know this … I am not sure why I need to write all of this , nor why I am doing it so publicly . I just know that I need to do this and so … . . For reasons that will reveal themselves later . . Time line is kind of important . So I have been diligently counting on my fingers , adding and subtracting each event in relation to the age of Little R or L . The time line is only accountable to me by the relationship to their ages . Somehow , I thought the time was much longer that everything had happened . I always thought in my mind that everything happened over a long period of time , but in following the time line so carefully , I 've discovered that it all happened rather quickly . In some ways , it seems that all of this happened last year or last month . In other ways it seemed it happened a life time ago , in someone else 's life . But the time from when I took my two little girls and ran away from their abusive father to the time I lost my girls seems to have been years . But it wasn 't . I am surprised , it didn 't take long at all for my life to be totally destroyed . So , Little R was still four years old , L was almost two when they came home to live with me again . We hadn 't been separated very long at all . And I had called them every day and visited them on my days off . But it seemed as though we had been apart for a life time . Not just to me , to them also . They clinged to me and would not let me out of their site . Following me to the bathroom , where they stood in the doorway watching me intently so I wouldn 't slip out the tiny 4 inch window . The three of us shared a bedroom and I had to lay in bed with them until they were both sound asleep . But I didn 't mind … I had suffered separation anxiety just as they had . ( I had taken a leave of absence from work so that I could stay off work as long as I needed . ) Soon after R and L had come home , T 's mother told us that the apartment next door to her was open for rent . ( She lived in one side of a duplex ) This seemed like a great hand of fate for us . We moved into that apartment so that when I did get ready to go back to work , T 's mother could baby sit the girls . This move also seemed to help the girls . I would sit on the porch with T 's mom and the girls would play close to me . Each day they were able to get a tiny bit further away from me as long as I didn 't get up from my seat . ( Of course , Little R 's movements dictated what L would do . She followed her big sister 's cue . ) As Little R became a little braver , so did L . Very soon , the girls were playing in the yard while I stayed on the porch . As the girls became braver , T and I became closer . Eventually , the girls were ok with me sitting in a chair close to their bed until they fell asleep and I moved into T 's bed with him . I know that seems out of place , but I really don 't remember when I became romantically involved with T . It is something that happened and I 'm not sure when or how it came to be . As time passed and the girls , at least little R , became more confident , I slowly began preparing them for my return to work . At first , I went into the house while T 's mom stayed outside with the girls while they played . Then I would go to the store , assuring them I 'd be back quickly and they 'd be safe with Mrs . H . It was a gradual process that seemed to take a lot longer than it really did . But eventually , I was able to return to work for a few hours a day . I was still only working a very few hours a day when Hell came to my life . Oh sure , I thought I had already been through hell and that I was making a come back … But I was wrong … Oh so wrong … It was summer time . It was hot , I remember that so clearly . The day was dry and oh so hot . ( by my time line calculations it must have been June . ) I was sitting on the porch watching Little R teach her baby sister how to build a doll house out of dirt and sticks . Toys were scattered all over the yard , but they were playing with dirt and sticks and their favorite baby dolls of course . Little R with her imagination had decided the dolls needed a pool and had instructed L on how to dig it out . I was laughing at them both because R was trying to teach L to dig in only one spot to make the " pool " deep enough , but L would babble something in baby talk and then proceed to fill the freshly dug hole with the loose dirt that R had taken out . Amazingly enough , Little R was being Oh so patient with her little sister . " no no , tishie , this way " She would say and show her again and again . I don 't know what L was saying but her hand movements and expressions seem to be saying , " Oh , yeah , I get it now " And then she 'd throw more dirt in the hole . ( I have often remembered that time , recalling it over and over so that I will never forget it . My girls playing together … . ) That 's when a car pulled up in front of the house . I immediately stood up and was off the porch and in front of the girls . I had an immediate sense of dread . For one thing , this was a really nice car . It was so out of place in this neighborhood . But there was something else , that I couldn 't put my finger on . I just knew that my stomach was churning with a deep fear and protectiveness for my girls . Two women got out of that car . I remember the car was dark . Black ? Maybe it was a dark blue , but it was dark . Another darkness to my life . The two women identified themselves as CPS social workers . For a second , only a second , I thought they were finally going to help me get Little R into some sort of council . But they started rapid firing questions at me . I didn 't know what was going on . They asked me how often I left the girls alone with T . " Never . " which I had not . Not because I didn 't trust him , but because I didn 't want to leave Little R alone with any man after what she had been through . I didn 't think it would be good for her at that time . " Who , then , baby sat while I was working " I pointed to Mrs . H , T 's mom and said " she does , but I 'm never gone more than three or four hours at a time . " " Why didn 't I have Ruby in therapy ? " was their next line of questions . And I told them that I was trying to get her some help but they were not helping me … And there were more questions , most of them made no sense at all . Then they took Little R into the house and talked to her alone . Then one of the women made a phone call and they stood around staring at us all while we waited for what I didn 't know . T was at work when all this started . But he arrived home , just as a police car pulled up in front of our house . They asked him if he was T . H . And he said yes and they proceeded to search him and put cuffs on him and put him in the police car . Without even saying why ! Then in front of me , in the house , they took Little R and L and the police and the social women proceeded to take off all the girls clothing . I was hysterical by this time , trying to get them to leave my babies alone . The girls were terrified . They were in tears begging for me to make them stop . The amazing thing was , that while both the girls were … Dirty , from playing in the dirt , there was a bruise or a scratch on them . They didn 't even have the normal scratches or bumps that children get from normal child 's play . Nothing ! After the girls were dressed again , one of the social workers took them to another room and the other social worker told me that there had been a report that T was abusing the girls . I told them they were crazy . That I never let him be by himself with my girls and I would know if he ever tried to hurt them , which he hadn 't . That seemed to be a confession to them . They told me to talk to the girls and make it ok for them to go with them . To make it easier on them because they were going to take them temporarily while the investigation was ongoing and I needed to make the girls not afraid . I hugged my girls and told them I loved them so much and never forget I loved them and I would be with them again soon . Then they took my babies and drove away with them . Then they arrested me ! The charge ? Failure to report Child abuse ! I was in jail for three days ! Three days before they allowed me to call my Dad . He bonded me out on the same day I called him . I went home , to my empty apartment . The truth is , I would have went to my dad 's that time , but he lived in another county and the judge wouldn 't give me permission to stay with Dad before my case came up . It didn 't really mater to me , though . I just went home and went to bed and didn 't get up … I was so sick , with depression and fear … I don 't remember how long I stayed in bed . I didn 't eat … Except when Mrs . H would bring over something and force me to eat a few bites or feed me water , which I would have to run to the bathroom and throw up most of the time . How long did that go on ? I can 't remember . I know eventually rent time came and I had no money so I moved in with Mrs . H , T 's mother . He was still in jail , on child abuse charges , waiting for a court date because we had no money to get him out . I did go back to working , full time now , there was no reason for me not to work full time . I walked several miles to the jail downtown once a week to visit T . And I waited . There was nothing else I could do . " They " had all the power , as far as I could see and I had no resourcI called " my social worker " constantly . Badgering her about " the investigation " and when I could have my girls back . Or at least when I could see them . Couldn 't I even see my babies ? ! The answers were always pretty much the same . It would not be good for the girls to visit me at this time , it would only confuse them when we had to be separated again . The " investigation " was on going and they had no information to give me at this time . I heard that statement so many times it was burned into my brain like a cattle brand . The other thing that they said over and over , was there was a high possibility that I would never again get my girls back and they could be stuck in foster care for their entire child hood . They were preparing me so to speak . I know that now . Then I was just terrified . I had seen the movies with the poor kids that were thrown from one bad foster care home to another . Or the kids that lived in Children 's homes under horrible conditions . Not my girls ! All I could do was pray that God would keep my girls out of that horrible life . Maybe a month went by , maybe less and I guess they decided I was ready . The social work came to my house one day and said she needed to " talk " to me . This all seems so fussy now . The memory has a dream like quality to it . I can 't remember the whole conversation but the jest of it was , this woman said that Little R had told them about the " abuse " and I would never be allowed to have my girls back again . They would , of course , seek the court to severe my parental rights , but the court system was so over clogged and full that this might take years . Meanwhile my girls would have to live in a children 's home or foster care if it could be found for them . And they were getting older and by the time the courts caught up to them , they 'd be too old to be able to find an adoptable home for them . They would probably have to be separated , and no one wants that . . And they 'd live in group homes or foster homes until they turned 18 . Never being able to have a stable home life again … The one sentence I remember the woman saying verbatim , was … " If you are selfish , you will cause them to have that life , but you can be sure , no mater what you will never get your girls back . " I remember the pain . OH the pain . My chest really hurt . I felt sure my heart would stop beating . The pain was physical . I also got sick and had to run to the bathroom at one point to throw up . Sign relinquish papers , giving up my rights to parent my girls and they would find them a home together where they would be loved and taken car ____________________________________________ Mrs . H was dead set against my signing the papers . Not because she thought I should or could fight for my children . She agreed with the social worker in that once the government gets involved , you pretty much can 't fight them . She didn 't want me to sign the papers until T went to court , because she figured they would use that as an admission of guilt . So I went to visit T on that Sunday . I told him everything that had happened . I told him my fears . He pretty much said the same thing as his mother about the girls . I couldn 't fight them . They were the government , they would lie , cheat and do what ever it took to win and I would loose . I also told T what the lady had said about Little R 's age . She was almost five years old , almost too old to be adoptable . I didn 't want her to be shuffled from one place to another , each place being worse than before … . T told me to sign the papers . He didn 't care if they used it against him . He didn 't want me to have to worry about Little R that way . And thus the decision was made … . I decided to give my children a chance to have a good life . I decided to make a deal with the devil and give him my very heart , in exchange , my daughters would have a " good " life . It was over that day … The days that followed were just paperwork of sorts . They meant nothing … The day my heart died was on the day I decided . I didn 't know then that I still had a little more to live for . I didn 't know then that I still had more to loose . I didn 't know that there could be more pain … . But there was … . . more pain to come … . . ( When someone new learns that my husband , B , is my second husband , most people hold to the " don 't ask , don 't tell " philosophy . Being divorced and remarried is not that uncommon today . But occasionally , I will run across someone who just thinks they have to know more . " So why did you and your first husband divorce ? " They ask . I respond , " because I was married to Satan . " As I write these accounts of my own past , I find myself wondering who this person was . I remember all these things happening to me . I remember the choices I made . I know that was me , but it doesn 't feel like it was me . It 's as if I was looking at this young woman 's life through a picture window and watching it all happen . Watching it all unfold . Of course , I , the now me , knows how it will turn out . I know what that young woman will do next and what will happen because of the choices she will make . I stand outside that window watching and screaming at her to do it differently . Why ? Why does she keep doing the same things every time I see these events ? Why couldn 't she see what was going to happen ? ! I can look back on it all now and see clearly how the choices I made were my downfall . But I don 't remember why I made those choices . I don 't remember for instance , what was going through my head when I had my Dad bring my girls to me , instead of going to Dad 's house to live there . At first . . Remember , I thought it wasn 't safe for me to be there . But when J was arrested and held without bond … At that time I had no real tie ( romantically ) to T . Except that I thought he was my savior . My rescuer from the dark . My job … Was pathetic at best . And the apartment we lived in was … . Geez … It was small and falling down . It was cheep . So why did I choose to not go live with my Dad and at least have a safe haven for me and my girls until I could figure out what to do with my life . I don 't have a clue ! As I said , I feel disconnected from the person I was then . I don 't understand her at all . I don 't understand the choices that she kept making over and over that always turned out to be wrong ! And yet , she kept doing it over and over until she lost everything ! EVERYTHING ! The choice that I am speaking of is to slowly cut myself off from the people who could have helped me . My family . I know , I had good reason to perhaps be mistrusting of some of my family , with my past . But I should have been able to see past that . I should have seen how my family would have helped me if I had just let them . If not my Dad , then my sister … Someone … Anyone … Would have been better than … The strangers that I chose to put my faith and my life into their hands … But I can 't change that woman 's mind . I stand here looking into the window of her soul and I can 't make her see what she did wrong . I can only watch it unfold … Knowing how it will turn out … Knowing that she had not suffered the worst yet , but surely will because I know how it ends . . I know the loss that I suffered for her choices ! I can 't change it , and I have nothing left to save by learning from those mistakes . Everything was lost . I now can see the mistakes . I can now say I learned from them , but to what avail ? What good does knowledge do when there is nothing left to save ? When I got married , I broke the silence between my dad and myself and called him . I wanted him to give me away and he did . This brought him and R back into my life , if only by phone most of the time . In fact , now that I was an adult , married woman , I found I got along well with R and called her almost on a daily basis . In the very beginning of my marriage to J , I defined our roles . I was the one who chose to let J be … traditional head of the household husband and I would be … " just the wife " . I wouldn 't make a move in life without asking J , first if it was ok . He , being older and some what " traditional " anyway , took the role I gave him very well . Most things I asked him about he " let " me do as they were tiny things that really didn 't matter in the skeem of things . But when the manager at work again approached me about my posible promotion , J sat his foot down . He didn 't think his wife should make more money than he did . Yes , he really said that . This was the first time I argued with J on anything . I really wanted this promotion . I let being his wife define me , but my work was the one place where I felt I was my own person . I wanted to move forward with that . J was shocked that I didn 't just say " yes , dear " and became very angry . We had our first fight and it was a screaming match that lasted hours . and ended with J making me call work and tell them that I quit . I was crushed . but I did it , because in the end , I thought , " He 's my husband , I have to do as he says " I also had the fear that he would kick me out of his life if I didn 't do as he wanted . As it turned out , I would have not been a good canidate for management at that time . Because I was pregnant . Because I had never been very regular , I didn 't suspect anything until I was already 3 months along . I started having morning sickness even before I realized what was going on . I thought I had the flu at first . Then suddenly one day I was cleaning out the bathroom cabnets and thought … hmmm haven 't used any of this stuff in a while . It struck me like a slap on the forehead . Oh wow ! How cool ! I was going to have a baby . I was so excited . So was J . He was all puffed up like a peacock proud that he had got me pregnant . Other than the morning sickness , which lasted well into my 6th month . I felt great during this pregnancy . I felt more alive and more human than I had ever . It diOur daughter , R . A . was born in August of 1983 , one month before J 's and my first anniversary . We named her after my step mother and J 's mother . She was so beautiful and perfect ! I had a terrible time with her delivery . In fact in the end they did an emergency C - section because my labor wasn 't progressing and Little R 's heart rate went into distress . But none of that mattered after she was born . She was healthy and oh so perfect ! And I was absolutely the happiest I had ever been in my life . I loved this tiny little girl more than anyone I had ever loved in my life . I would have done anything for her ; I would have died for her ! I had never known such a wonderous love before . J , however , seemed to become angry . He was loosing control over me . What he said or did didn 't matter to me any more . My life was my child . The bond between myself and little R only proved to grow in strenghth as she grew older . I no longer needed J to make decisions for me . And this was something that J could not abide . Our arguements became more intense and more often . We would have screaming matches about the tiniest of things . The things that we said to each other were horrible . Until one day , J called me a slut . Out of no where , he just said it . He was right in my face , so close that I could feel his hot breath when he said that word and I lost it . I screamed and slapped him . I 've never forgotten that I was the first one to turn the fights physical . It haunted me for years . I had done this , I had made J hit me , it was all my fault . And hit me he did . He hit me so hard that I was knocked to the floor . There on the floor I crumbled into a ball and cried and J left the house , for hours . When he came home , he appoligized so profusely . He begged me to forgive him and promised he 'd never lay a hand on me again . He cried . Of course I forgave him , I had been the first one to hit him after all . We made all the wonderful promises . We 'd talk more , we 'd not scream at each other , or call names and never , never would we hit each other again . … . Bla Bla Bla all the right words . The new found pact to be closer lasted a week . One week ! Then we were off again . I can 't remember what started that first fight a week later . It was probably something really stupid . But it was just as bad as it had always been , and worse . Because when it was at it 's worst , J shoved me to the floor and sat on me . He told me he was tired of my disrespect and he would have some respect from me if it killed me . Suddenly , I believed him . After that J became more violent very quickly . He would never hit me in the face , where the bruises might show . But he would twist my arms , hit my chest so hard that it knocked the breath out of me and grab me by my hair and slam my head against the floor or furniture . Always , always after wards he would buy me gifts and appoligize with tears and make promises never to do it again . At some point , I knew that the promises meant nothing . But I wouldn 't give up on this marriage . He never did anything in front of Little R . So I thought she was uneffected by it all and she needed a daddy . So that 's how I lived . I would stay with J as long as he never hurt Little R in any way . Meanwhile , I was loosing myself again . I began to really try to keep J happy , no matter what that meant . But it was an imposible task . There was always something that I did , or didn 't do that angered him . Much to my amazement , when Little R was about 2 and a half I found myself pregnant again . I was amazed because J and I rarely had sex any more . I avoided him as much as I could as the bed room had become another place that he proved his dominance over me . Of course , I was never allowed to say no to him when he wanted sex . If I did , he 'd just hold me down and do it anyway . In fact he seemed to enjoy it all the more that way . So our second child was not conceived in love , or even lust , but in anger and pain . But none of that mattered when I first started to feel the little flutter feeling of the baby . All the feelings that I had when I was pregnant with little R came back . I was happy again . Another life , coming into this world through me . And I felt wonderful . As with the first pregnancy , I felt healthier during my second pregnancy than I did any other time . Meanwhile , J had lost his job and we moved in with my Dad and R of all things . The " Never " had come to an end . My dad got a job for J at his work and we didn 't fight while we lived with them . So I was happy . Little R was happy . And the baby inside me seemed exstremely happy . I was sure that this baby was also a girl . And I was right . Latisha Rae was born in November of 1986 . Another perfect and beautiful baby girl . Little R was such a great big sister . She was never jeoulos of her baby sister . She wanted to be with L always . She wanted to help take care of her . She was like a tiny little mother . I loved them both so much I felt I would just die of happiness . I was sure that I now had the perfect life . Nothing could possibly go wrong . … . . Until , of course , it did … . Ok , another stopping point here . MY mirror of the past is revealing so much now . I am almost finished with this reflection of my past and I can feel the pressure as I get closer to what changed me forever . I may finish this today , or I may have to take a couple of days off before I can face the next part . June 23 , 2006 Posted by sheribat | Leave a comment « Previous Entries Out of the dark … Who I am … . I am the woman who was stripped of her role in life and thrown into the dark corners of silence . I was beaten down by their degradation time and time until I believed their lies and suffered quietly without words for years . I did what they wanted , I disappeared into the darkness and allowed the pain to engulf me . I allowed them to not only take away from me the most important part of me , but also they took my dignity , my pride and my voice . I became the unwilling member of a club of silenced women . A group that lost everything thing in life that was worth speaking for . Shoved into a shadow , I remained there for years without words . No one could see my pain , my shame , my tears , for I believed that I was not worthy of such display . I will be silent no longer ! After years of my self imposed prison of silence I have discovered that I never deserved the life long punishment I received ! They took my children out of my arms for no other reason than to satisfy their need to create their so called " perfect family " With lies and deception , they took my children and pushed me into a dark closet . They told me that I had no rights as a mother , as a human . That I must live my life in this closet without voice and not make " waves " . And for almost 18 years , I did as I was told . I hid in that closet , terrified that anyone would learn of my terrible secret . I told myself that I was a mother no more . I had lost the right to be a mother … But the truth is out now ! I am a mother ! I never deserved to loose that title or the position . I will not allow their shame to hold me in that darkness any longer . I am out in the light ! I am singing to Heaven ! I am a mother ! A mother who is trying to find her way back to motherhood ! |
Brianna shivered in the cold , January air . Nigel drew her close as they continued walking , the snow crunching beneath their feet . " Da , will we ever be able to meet in the city again ? " Brianna asked . Chapter Six : A Miracle Brianna shivered in the cold , January air . Nigel drew her close as they continued walking , the snow crunching beneath their feet . " Da , will we ever be able to meet in the city again ? " Brianna asked . " I don 't know , Brianna . If the Lord wills it , we will eventually . But now that Fàolan has almost complete control of Edaled , we 're going to need a miracle for that to happen . " Enid held Ness closer and held Keelin 's hand more tightly . " It 's been so long … the youngest have not known anything other than the world as it is today under Fàolan 's rule . She looked up at the clouded sky , thick with snow waiting to be released . " How long , oh Lord ? " They trudged onwards through the snow , putting one freezing cold foot in front of the other , step by step , to keep their feet from getting too cold . Finally , they reached the clearing in the forest right outside the village and gathered with the other followers of the Creator . Brianna found Tabitha and they began talking , and Fagan stood nearby , leaning against a tree , watching everyone . Before too long , though , Fagan found himself in the midst of a deep discussion . " It 's been going on long enough , " one boy said . " Before too long we 'll all end up dead or on the side of Fàolan . Supposedly more die each week . " " He has been right before , " Fagan defended . " I wouldn 't put it past him to be telling the truth . There is such a thing as prophecy , you know . As for rescuing us from Fàolan , to do that , he 's got to be a great man . " Connor shrugged . " No , I haven 't any idea . I 've only heard a little , mostly just rumors or ramblings of a crazy old mind like Bardan . " Fagan bit his lip and nodded . They trudged on through the snow , the cold air biting at their cheeks . " Da , " Fagan began . " Whatever happened to King Kyle ? " " I haven 't been farther inside the castle than the courtyard and the gardens since you were a little thing , Fagan . I don 't really know . He may still be there ; weakly agreeing to Fàolan 's every word . Or Fàolan may have thrown the King into the dungeons long ago . " " Destruction and death . " A knock sounded on their front door just as they sat down to dinner . Fagan opened the door . A man , his face shaded by the large hood of a cloak stood there , peering in through the crack in the door . " The man Bardan in the village informed me that there were kind and hospitable people that dwell in this house . " He said . His voice was low and firm , but there was a hint of gentle love in it . " Aye , " Fagan said , opening the door wider to let the man in . " My parents are very kind and hospitable people . We are about to eat dinner , if you would like to join us . " As the man stepped inside , he took his cloak off . Fagan took it from him and hung it on the coat rack . Brianna ran to get another chair , making a place for the man between her father and Fagan . The man sat down and they prayed , then Nigel dished up the man a plateful of food , and then served the rest of the family . There was an awkward silence in the room for a few minutes before Nigel spoke . " Well , sir , this is my family . I am Nigel , and this is my wife , Enid . Our oldest son Fagan is seventeen , Brianna is thirteen , Ahearn is ten , Brenna is seven , Grady is three , Keelin is two , and Ness is sleeping in her cradle over in the corner . " " It will not be through fighting as many believe , but by destroying Fàolan 's footholds and changing hearts . Tomorrow I will begin my Father 's work in the market place . Hearts will be changed by the Creator 's grace , and Fàolan will be put back in his place . " " Nay , not yet . We must wait and cry out and suffer more before then . But when freedom comes , the Creator will descend in great glory and take His children to Him . Then we will fully understand what it means to give Him glory and live for Him . But , alas , I do not envy those who refuse to turn from their wicked ways . It will not go well for them . " " They are , Fagan , they are . These things will come to pass . But before the last days , there will be much suffering and many tears from those who follow the Creator . " " Aye , I know it sounds like that . " He sighed . " It is a very long and unbelievable story , but because anything is possible with the Creator , it is true . When Nathan fell , you know the Creator promised that there would be redemption . Through one man sin came , and through one redemption will come , a promised miracle . But man who has sinned , man who has mud on himself , cannot clean another sinful man covered in mud , and sinless man cannot be born of sinful parents . " " Now before you shoot me down , let me finish . My parents named me Adan because I was a miracle child - my parents could not have children on their own . Bardan had told my mother that the Creator would use her in bringing redemption and saving us from something yet to come at that time - Fàolan . I was not conceived by the normal means , it was truly a miracle . My mother and father tell me that it was from the Creator , and I am the son of the Creator . Thus my Father 's business is that of the Creator . " " Adan , I will just have to trust your story . I know and believe that nothing is impossible with the Creator . Yet your history does seem very outlandish . You do seem to be a man of God , however , and we will let you stay unless we find that you have been telling tales . " The next meeting day rolled around , and Adan was still with Brianna and Fagan 's family . Adan had participated much in their daily life , helping Fagan with his chores , giving input and wisdom during their daily readings of the Law , and playing with the young children . Things Adan did or said confirmed the story he had told Nigel and Enid about himself , and by the end of the week Brianna , Fagan , Nigel , and Enid believed that he truly was the one sent to free them from Fàolan . How he would free them , though , they did not know , and if he had told them they would not have understood . " As you know , his name is Daron . But what you do not know is what he is . Daron is a dragon , like to a serpent - crafty and wily . However , Daron is wiser than the serpents , and tries to find loopholes in my laws through which he may cause you to stumble . Be wary of him , for though I now leave , he will be the prince of this world . " The Creator turned away , and Nathan fell to his knees . " No ! Is there any way to turn back what I have done ? " Nathan no longer saw the creator , but when He spoke , he heard His voice . " The Creator promised redemption to Nathan , that a way would be provided in which we could someday be free from sin and free from Daron . Yet in these days , we have begun to despair , because all we see is that Daron is triumphing more and more , especially through Fàolan . But let us keep in mind that redemption IS coming . The Creator always keeps His promises ; it would go against His awesome nature to do otherwise . The final and most important battle will soon be fought . It will not be a battle like many think , filled with blood and swords and arrows , but it will be a battle in which love and hate will fight , and love will prevail and come out victorious ! The Creator will win the battle , but there will still be a long time of waiting and watching for the Creator to return and prove Himself to the whole world a triumphant victor . Until then , He will watch , wait , and work through His people here in Edaled . Let us spread His love from the rooftops ! We hold in our hands such great joy and such great news , yet in times like this when we are suppressed we forget that it is even more of a joy to share that news with others , share the hope of getting away from this imperfection . It will not be easy . Many followers of the Creator will suffer and die before the last days come , and even more will perish in the last days . But when we perish , we will go to be with the Creator . Those who do not know will be forever separated from the Creator and live in agony for eternity . There is still hope for the lost ! Cry for them to come back home ! " Adan sat down , and the crowd was silent . Then murmurs rippled through the gathering . " Who is this man ? He speaks with such wisdom and such certainty . Is he the promised miracle ? Or is he just heralding the coming of a miracle ? He says we will be free from Fàolan soon , but how soon will it be ? How will he manage to free us without fighting with swords ? Will no one die , then ? " Many questions filled everyone 's minds , and for a while all sat in awe of this new teacher . After their fellowship meal , the fathers gathered around Adan talking to him and asking questions . Eliana sat on her father 's lap , listening to Adan speak , for once her eyes hopeful . Fagan saw this and immediately began praying for her , hoping , praying , that maybe there would be some way she would speak again and the pain that had struck her so deep with Mikhil 's departure would go away . Fagan 's thoughts then turned to Mikhil . Where was he now ? What was he dong ? Was he still alive ? Had he joined the Miron ? Was he involved in the attack of the caravans coming into Poná from Aquis the week before ? " Nay , not never . I just don 't believe fighting is the best and most effective means at the moment . I fight to protect my family . When we are threatened , then I will fight and defend . Now is not the time to take the offensive for the Creator . He teaches that love is the strongest thing , not war . " Fagan and Mikhil had been discussing that in the tree fort only days before Mikhil had left . Maybe I should have told him I thought it was a sin , just to keep him here . I don 't think what they do is always excellent , I see that now . O God , will Mikhil be one of the lost that finds his way home ? Or will he perish in darkness ? Help him see where he has turned astray ! The next day , Fagan was working outside with Adan , pulling weeds in Enid 's small vegetable garden . Fagan sat back on his heels . " His name was Mikhil . He was my best friend , like a brother to me and Brianna , but he left to join the Miron not a month ago , " he said , voice filled with sorrow . Adan looked away . " I also said some would die in darkness , Fagan . Not all will have a happy ending . Some will go deeper into darkness than you would dare to think . " Fagan 's chest felt like it contracted so that it was hard to breathe . Then he sobbed , and cried for his lost friend . Chapter Seven : Lamrae Winter 125 Not that anyone cares , Mikhil thought , kicking a rock as the soldiers marched . It had been three years since he joined the Miron , and only a few men had ever shown that they cared for their fellow " messengers , " since then . It seemed as if all of the men involved in the radical group were fighting personal wars of their own or were out for personal gain and did not care at all about the others . His relationship with Marek seemed strange and out of place to the others in the Miron , but Marek and Mikhil treasured their friendship . If it wasn 't for Marek , Mikhil probably would have left the Miron long ago - it was not quite what he had expected , and he missed Fagan and his family . Instead of farm work and games with his siblings and friends , long , hard training now filled his days . Nights were long , hot , and uncomfortable in a small bunk surrounded by ten score of other men . Every month or so , squads of men would march out on special missions that were indirect attacks on Fàolan . They would sink supply ships coming in from other kingdoms , ambush armies that were marching , or stop caravans from entering Cathonys . Yet none of it seemed to help . Fàolan still ruled as harshly as before . The work of the Miron was very rarely productive ; Fàolan always had more soldiers and other means of obtaining provisions and weapons , his rule had stretched so far . Every one in the Miron , even Mikhil and Marek , thought that this march was different from their other missions , however . Side by side , the two comrades pushed onward , placing one foot weary foot after another . Mikhil 's heart beat excitedly . This was it . This was going to be the final battle , the final attack . He glanced around him . The other underground barracks of the Miron from around Cathonys were there with them . Almost one thousand men , all united for one purpose , all in one place . They were going to defeat Fàolan at last . One last victory , the Miron would free Edaled from the shackles that had been ruling them for so long . Oh , what honor there would be for them ! The peaceful followers of the Creator would see that he , Mikhil , had been right , and that they way to destroy Fàolan was to fight him , that the Creator had been saying that it was by way of fighting that He would save them . The Miron had been slightly divided in this decision to fight . Many claimed it would be a waste of men and supplies , because Fàolan 's army was too strong for them - after all , Fàolan had soldiers who were trained professionals , not a motley , disjointed band of freedom fighters . Others , however , seemed to have a good deal of hope in the strength of the Cathonians , not to mention the many men who came from other kingdoms of Edaled . Mikhil and Marek were among these optimistic men . Eventually the leaders all agreed to fight - if they could not defeat Fàolan this way , it was a hopeless cause and there was no other human way to be free ever again until Fàolan died . And if they did not succeed , then they would be free in death . Two days earlier , all of the armies in Cathonys had left their bases and begun the march to their meeting point , Lamrae , a day 's journey from Poná . It was a place that was far enough away from civilization that a battle would not devastate farmland or a village , but it was close enough to Poná that news of the battle would travel quickly , and maybe some of the men from Poná would join the ranks of the Miron . Mikhil 's unit planned to reach the canyon by nightfall of the third day of their march . Now it was late afternoon on the third day , and within a few hours , they would arrive at their destination . There , they would make camp , eat , and sleep . The next morning leaders of the armies would discuss tactics , and lookouts would announce the arrival of other armies . The men would talk and clean their weapons and maybe practice some as well . The boredom of marching is more tiring than the marching itself , Mikhil decided , sighing and crunching more snow beneath his feet . Sure beats training , though . But do we have to march this far when there 's snow on the ground , is what I want to know . Sure , it 's only November , but this November is the coldest on we have had in years ! Imagine … after a few days , there will be no more training , no more drills , and no more running laps . It will all be over . But for better or for worse ? How many more sunsets will I live to see ? Who will win ? Who will die ? How many will live to tell the story to their families ? Will I be dead before this week is out ? Suddenly the men came alive , speeding their march as much as they could . Soon they would be there ; soon they could rest and eat . Maybe there would be a river where they could bathe , even if the water would be freezing cold . Mikhil turned and looked at Marek , who grinned , then broke into a run along with the rest of the troops . Three long days of waiting followed . They were waiting for more of their troops - hoping , praying , wishing that more would come - restlessly and fearfully preparing for battle . Mikhil sparred with some of the men , and often watched Marek and the other archers shoot at targets . In the evenings , they would swim in the river or play card games . Each day , more troops came and joined those already gathered . The canyon was getting crowded , and now some were sleeping on the ledges above the riverbed or even above the canyon on the ground . All of the men grew more and more restless , even Mikhil . Marek was the only one who had not become impatient ; instead , he became quiet and withdrawn . Mikhil noticed this and wondered what was up . " I 'm scared , " Marek whispered , staring at the bottom of the river . " Seventeen years doesn 't feel like enough time to have really lived . I don 't want to die , Mikhil . " " It 's not like that , though . It 's not that I 'm scared of being dead , like everybody else . " Marek kicked the dirt at the bottom of the river , and then pulled his feet out . " The water is freezing . I 'm scared of dying in and of dying itself . I know that if I go , the Creator is still in charge and He will always win in the end , whether I 'm here or not . " Marek 's breath caught in a sob , but he did not try to hold his tears back . " In some ways , I want to be dead . I want to be out of this world , out of a place that 's imperfect , a place where you can get hurt inside and out … pain scares me more than anything else , and I want to get away from it , but the only way is by dying . " Marek shook his head , and then wiped his tears away . " But I don 't want to die in pain , like dying in battle would be like . I just want to slip peacefully away , so quickly I don 't even realize I 'm dying until I 'm gone . I can be brave in front of so many other things , but I can 't stare death in the face without seeing pain . " He paused for a moment , a thought coming to his mind , and then spilling out . " I don 't want do die like my dad ! " " In a world full of imperfection , perfect love is hard to find . " Marek replied . " I have searched , but I haven 't really ever found it . " He looked at the sun setting just above the canyon wall . " Sometimes I feel the Creator 's love that way . Then I feel like someone really loves me all the time , no matter how afraid or imperfect I am . And then I forget about pain and imperfection , and all I see are perfect golden streets . " Marek nodded . They watched the sun set in silence for a few minutes , and then Marek spoke again . " She probably thinks I 'm already dead . " " My mother . I don 't even know if she knows my father died , or how he died , or if either of us are alive any more . I don 't even know if she is alive any more . " " I miss my family , too . I wonder what they 've been doing since I left . I left with out them knowing , because I knew they would try to stop me . Now … now I wish they had succeeded in stopping me , because now that I 'm here I 'm terrified . " Marek shrugged . " I don 't know . I just have this feeling … that tomorrow is going to be different somehow . I don 't know how , just that it will be different . We have to get ready . " It was barely light , but the routine of waking early in the barracks woke Marek up before anyone else . He lay there with his eyes open , staring up out of the canyon at the sky . The sun was rising , and colorful clouds streaked across the sky . It was then that Marek realized how much he liked the out doors , and how instead of going to fight with the Miron , he should have stayed home with his mother and become a farmer or a traveling story teller . That would have been fun . Maybe … maybe if I make it out of here alive I can do that . I 'd tell stories about Mikhil and me . And to my grandchildren , I 'd tell the stories of this battle , of life with the Miron . But most of all , I 'd tell them about the Creator and His perfect love that casts out fear . I wish He didn 't cast it out so slowly , though . I 'm still scared … oh , I 'm so scared . I don 't want to die , I want to live more , and I want to see more blue sky and more seagulls … Somewhere in the distance a horn blew . Marek blinked a few times , making sure he was fully awake . What was someone doing blowing a horn at this time in the morning ? He groaned and rolled over on the hard ground . There it was again . Rubbing his eyes , Marek sat up straight in his bedroll . The rest of the camp was still asleep . At the top of the canyon , Marek surveyed the land , searching for any sign of people . He heard the army before he saw it , the sound of their feet marching on the melting snow . Before a minute had passed , their leader came into view . Almost immediately , Marek knew this was not the captain of a rebel army . He wore all black , like Fàolan 's men , and carried a large , shiny shield . Marek felt his stomach drop in fear , and ran back down into the canyon . " Wake up ! To arms ! Hurry ! " He shouted . Around him , the men began to groan as they woke up . " We 're being attacked ! " Marek ran to where his bow and arrows from near where he had been sleeping , and many others followed his example , buckling on sword belts , strapping on helmets , and pulling on chain mail . The leaders of the different units began shouting out orders . " Archers ! Find the highest spot you can get to , but stay hidden as much as possible ! Swords ! Let 's move this battle away from the edge of the canyon . Get out and run in an organized fashion ! Get the backs of the enemy to the canyon ! Pikes ! In front of the swords , ready to charge ! Move it , men , we have a battle to fight ! " " Get going , " Marek said , and pushed Mikhil forward . " I 'll miss you . " And please don 't die , he added to himself . Many other men ran passed Marek before he left the canyon to find a high point in the boulders and rock formations around the canyon . He 'd had his eye on a spot for a while , but he was waiting for the cover of other men before he went . Then Marek ran to it , climbing up it and ducking behind a boulder . He took out an arrow and checked the fletching . Then he fitted it to his bowstring and took a deep breath . The enemy was just coming into sight . Down below him , the pike men nodded to each other . Saying their last words , Marek thought . Before they run into the arms of death . He slumped back against the boulder , letting his arrow fall to the ground . Creator , I can 't do this , I 'm scared . I 'm weak . They 're all so much stronger than I am . Why did I even think I could do this ? I 'm not even a man yet , I 'm seventeen ! Marek gulped , then turned back to face the battle . The pike men were charging now . He took aim at the men near the rear of Fàolan 's army , to afraid to risk hitting one of the Miron with his bow . Twang . One arrow was gone , but there were many more still to go . Marek watched as his arrow sped down and hit a man . Pushing aside the dark thoughts that entered his mind , Marek restrung his bow and aimed again . Twang . Now the swordsmen were charging . Marek tried to find Mikhil as he prepared to shoot another arrow , but there were too many brown - haired soldiers down on the field to distinguish which one was Mikhil . Again and again Marek fired . It was arrow after arrow , mechanically . Fire . Reload . Repeat . Fire . Load . Repeat . Soon there were no more waves of Fàolan 's men coming in , so it was risky to shoot , but Marek knew he must do it anyway . He didn 't know how much later it was ; Marek lost all sense of time during the battle , but he ran out of arrows . There was nothing else to do now but watch . Fàolan 's men were overrunning the field . Black washed out the tans and browns of the Miron . The Miron on the field fought more aggressively when they saw this , however , and many of the enemy were falling as well . Rocks began falling on the field . Albeit they were small rocks , but suddenly Marek grinned . There were many loose rocks around him . Other archers must have run out of arrows as well , and those other archers were obviously more resourceful than he was . Picking up a rock in each hand , Marek began pitching rocks down onto the enemies on the field . He didn 't have any idea how much it was helping , but at least it gave him something to do . He wondered if Mikhil was still alive . Was he wounded , off to the side of the field , left to die ? Had he been killed ? If he had , was it quickly ? Was his friend suffering ? How much blood and how many dead were on the field ? Were Fàolan 's men winning , like it looked like from way up high ? Would they win out in the end ? Would the Miron be crushed and everyone killed ? The sun had risen , and everyone was very aware of the heat that it gave . Fàolan 's men especially suffered from the heat under their chain mail and armor . Most of the Miron had nothing but leather jerkins for protection . Marek moved down closer to the field and kept throwing rocks , but from closer up , he could see that it didn 't do much damage . Mikhil stumbled on the field . He hadn 't jumped quickly enough , and someone had taken a swipe at his legs and managed to hit him . He had tried to get away to wrap them up somehow , but he had not gotten the change yet , and pressed on in battle . He winced with every step , and struggled to stay on top of things as he slashed and ducked . He thought he saw a face with red hair and freckles somewhere , and caught Marek 's eyes , but then turned away , back into the fray . The sword felt heavy in his arms , and Mikhil wondered if he would have the same fate as Marek 's father , brought home covered in wounds … and dying . Dying . Dying . Wearily , Mikhil swung the sword up to block the attack of an enemy , and then attempted to attack , only to miss . The weight of the sword and inertia of the swing pulled Mikhil to his knees . Pain shot through his head , and he closed his eyes , waiting for death to come . Marek watched in horror as he saw more and more Miron - people that he knew , a few that had sat by him when his father had died , trying to comfort him as well as their hating hearts could - died . He saw their faces twisted in pain ; he saw the blood coming from their mouths and out of their wounds . He saw their hands releasing their weapons as they fell down to the ground and lay there , waiting to be trampled by their enemies - or even their comrades . Marek winced as a splatter of blood hit his cheek . He wiped it away as his stomach lurched . Was he going to die like them , butchered by Fàolan 's army ? Should he turn and run because he was of no more use here ? Or should he stay and try to fight ? Marek looked around . Where would he run ? Where could he go , how could he get out of here ? It seemed like everywhere he turned at least one of Fàolan 's men stood , waiting , just waiting , for their next victim to fall onto their swords . Then Marek saw an arrow protruding from the back of one of the Miron . Pushing aside his fears and sick feelings , Marek yanked it out and notched it to his bowstring . His hands felt clammy as he pulled back and aimed . In his mind flashed memories from his childhood . Sitting on his mother 's lap as she read to him , helping his father in the garden … going to the market with his aunt and carrying her baskets … swinging on the rope swing under their oak tree . Those were such good memories of the days when he didn 't even understand death . But then he saw his father , hugging him before that day when he had left and never returned to sweep his young son off his feet and joyfully spin him around . Is this what the dying think of ? Marek wondered . All of the good things that were ? All of the good things that could have been ? I don 't want to die ! Marek turned and grabbed another arrow . Slashing as he ran , Marek pushed past Fàolan 's men , screaming and shouting as he went . " I don 't want to die ! " He heard himself yell , blindly stabbing his arrow into a soldier . " O God , let me live ! " He shouted . I 'm all alone now . There 's no one left . Even Mikhil is gone . They killed them ! Why did you let them kill him , Creator ? Why did you let him die ? What am I going to do now ? If I tell a story to my grandchildren … it will be nothing but hate and sadness . How could I bear to tell that , to live with that memory ? I want it to go ; I want to be free from these memories , these sounds in my head of the dying screaming in pain , of eyes glazed in death , of bloodied hands , of pierced jerkins and helmets … I don 't want this ! Free us , Creator , free us ! There is no fear in love , but perfect love casts out fear ! Now I 'm afraid of the past , no longer am I afraid of what 's to come , but I 'm terrified of the past . I 'm terrified of seeing my father again in my mind 's eye , lying broken , bruised , and wounded on the stretcher . I 'm terrified of seeing that last glance of Mikhil 's , knowing he was going to die , telling me that with his eyes . Oh , it 's so awful … take it away , take it away … It was not long before news of the battle reached Poná . Fàolan 's men came marching in through the gates triumphantly , and were greeted with cheers by those who lined the streets . Many in the city were not in the streets , though , for those who followed the Creator were in their homes . Fagan watched from the window , peering discreetly out from behind the curtain . " I don 't know about the second part … the first is clear enough . He won 't ever be truly home , ' Na . He 's not dead , but he won 't ever be back , and we won 't ever be Mikhil , Fagan , and Brianna again . " " Do not weep for your friend Mikhil for long . He is being used for the Creator 's purposes , even though they may not be the way we wish them to be . Take heart , Brianna . " Brianna smiled happily at that thought . Free . None of them , from twenty - year - old Fagan to baby Aina , had ever known a life free from Fàolan 's rule . " But if not , the search for a new king must begin , " Nigel continued . " We would be honored , Adan , if you took the throne and ruled Cathonys . You would be the wisest , most Creator - exalting ruler in all of the history of Edaled . " The band of men moved slowly through the forests of Cathonys . There were only fourteen of them , but all were wounded and had had very little to eat over the past two weeks . They alone were the survivors of the Miron , at least that they knew of . Mikhil wished he knew whether or not Marek had lived , but there was no way for him to find that out . The wounds on his legs he had washed with snow and wrapped with strips cut from his shirt , but apart from that , he could do nothing to heal them . The other survivors had similar wounds , but none were mortal wounds such as deep blows to the head or chest wounds . One man had lost a hand , another was missing an ear . Most were just exhausted and had numerous cuts on their legs and arms . After the battle , they had found each other when all had quieted down and made for the forests , following the stream from the canyon up to the mountains . Now that they were somewhat rested they stopped and made camp to talk about what to do next . " Could we stop at a village for food ? " Mikhil asked , looking through the pack of food they had gathered from the packs of the Miron . There was not much in there , definitely not enough for fourteen men for five days . " You 're forgetting the mountain pass . It would be folly to try to go around or over it in this winter weather , we 'd all die of the cold if we didn 't slip down the rocky side and kill ourselves that way . But we can 't go through the mountain pass in our right minds , we would be killed that way as well , it is too well guarded by Fàolan 's men . " " It will be days until we reach Byshan . Two days until we get into the mountains , and half a day until we reach the pass . Then we 'll have to wait for the cover of darkness so that we can have a fair chance of surviving through the pass . " Mikhil dumped the contents of the food bag onto the ground . " Aye , and like that 's going to sustain fourteen grown men for three days . I don 't think so . " He said angrily . " Well , you have a choice , " Patrik said . " You can turn yourself into Fàolan and get good food for a few days - hopefully - and then die for sure , or you can stay with us to live on crumbs for another week and have a chance to live . It 's really up to you . " " Good night , " Mikhil said to everyone , and then he unrolled his bedroll and lay down to sleep , shivering in the cold night air . The days meshed , all a jumble of marching , changing bandages , foraging for food , and strategizing . They planned to approach the pass from the side , not coming directly head on so they were less likely to be sighted . Then they would look for overhangs they could hide under as they journeyed through . Their pace slowed even more as they went higher up into the mountains ; going uphill in the mountains was difficult , especially with so many wounded . For the most part , they trudged on in silence , each in too much pain and focusing too hard to speak to each other . Around the campfire at night , they would discuss their survival , and that was all . Everyone chose a number and picked the rock that was that many places from the left . Patrik chose number nine , and his rock was the biggest . On his way out of the camp , he turned and waved , then walked off . In his mind 's eye , he saw Brianna dancing , her red hair swirling out behind her , her brown eyes lit up with pleasure . And there was Fagan on the other side of her , clapping while she spun , now taking her hands and spinning with her . Then he saw Eliana , running up to him as he returned from working in the fields . He picked her up and spun her around , hearing her laughter in his head . She must be all grown up now . And all of the boys taller than me . Fagan will be finding a wife soon … if things ever change , he 'll be a schoolteacher , just like he always wanted . And me ? I 'll be dead . I won 't ever marry Brianna , won 't ever be a father , and won 't ever be a farmer like my parents . Maybe I should have listened to everyone and not joined the Miron . But there 's no turning back now , no turning back … Suddenly there was a shout , pulling everyone out of his thoughts . An arrow hissed through the air , and then Kirk was dead , with an arrow in his chest . The band went berserk , everyone rushing for the end of the pass . They were surrounded by soldiers and fighting wildly , blindly . But where was Patrik ? Peter turned and saw him . He was standing to the side , sword still in its sheath . That traitor ! Peter thought . His lip curled back in anger and he tried to run to Patrik , only to find a sword through his belly . All around him , Mikhil saw his comrades falling dead upon the snow . Each time he heard one cry out in pain , he wondered if it would be him next . When he woke , his stomach growled hungrily so badly that it hurt . Wearily , Mikhil opened his eyes . Grabbing a handful of snow , he stuffed it into his mouth , and then stretched out on the cold snow as if begging it for strength . A sharp pain in his side brought his hand to his side . It was sticky and wet with blood . I must have been cut by one of their swords and not realized it . Mikhil groaned . He lay there unmoving for a while . As he rested , he gained some strength , and by late afternoon , he struggled to his feet . Weakly placing one foot after the other , Mikhil stumbled onward , hand to his side . He tripped and fell , crying out in pain from his leg and side wounds . He winced as he struggled back onto his feet , pushing his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes . Blood already stained the ground beneath him . He sat back down and rolled up his leggings to look at his legs . He let the hard mask of callousness he had built up slip from his face , his mouth twisting in disgust as he stared at the ugly mess his legs had become . Those traitors ! He screamed inwardly . " Traitors ! " He shouted again , but this time aloud . His voice was lost in the open plain , swept away by the wind . He staggered to his feet , and then broke into a run , at first slipping on the slick , wet snow . His mind wandered back to happy times , not even four years ago - laughing with Fagan and Brianna … sweet Brianna … oh , she probably hated him now , after he 'd run off with the Miron in his anger at Fàolan . It had gotten him nowhere , now he could see that . Fagan had been right - it was not the Creator 's will for them to defeat Fàolan by violence . Marek was probably dead , like everyone else . Dead or gone , run away in fear and cowardice . Sighing , Mikhil remembered a warm fire in this home during the winter . There was singing and dancing - he , his father and brothers , dancing with his mother and Eliana . Connor sat drumming out a beat on the table , and the rest of them sang loudly and vigorously . Scooping up a handful of snow , Mikhil threw it against the ground , pleased with the way it shattered . Shattering like his warm and happy memories had when they were trapped in the pass . He hadn 't had any " warm and happy , " memories since before he had left home . And he would never have any more , not with Fàolan around , not when he would be hunted like an animal if he went home . No ! I won 't think of that any more ! Anyone who says the followers of the Creator have love is wrong ! Was it love when Patrik scouted ahead and told them we were coming ? I barely escaped with my life , and everyone else LOST theirs ! Fàolan shows more love for his men than that - they stuck together when everything else fell apart in the battle two weeks ago . Did I have anyone to fight by my side ? At least Fàolan promises power - real power , more than just defeating someone . I could help him - a lot . I know the secrets of the Creator 's followers , the secrets of what Miron remain . Mikhil smiled at his thoughts . He would be powerful . No longer would his taller younger brothers look down upon him , no longer would he be chided for imperfection and forgetfulness . But Marek ? What of Marek ? He loved , and he was strong ! Fagan was like that , too . And Brianna . But Marek feared . And only cowards fear . Now , Fàolan ! At least he keeps his promises . And his men don 't fear . They are strong with something stronger than love - they are brave . But if Mikhil had searched deeper inside himself , he would have found the hate and brokenness that had overrun his heart . He would have acknowledged that nagging that he had known , albeit unconsciously known , that it was his conscience . And maybe if that had happened , there would have been hope for him to return home . But he didn 't , and there wasn 't , only hatred , a false hatred spewing from a heart so twisted that it numbed the pain . I will go to Fàolan and make them pay ! Eliana fidgeted . Her father had been speaking for over an hour now on the follies of fighting against Fàolan . How many times have we been over this , da ? She wondered . You , Fagan 's da , Adan … in our home , with others in the market , in the homes of others , at the meetings … And , Da , how can you speak of it when your own son was there ? - wait , was that something new ? " If we fight them , we are not showing them love like the Creator has told us to do . It is showing them that we hate them , which does not portray us in a good light and does not glorify the Creator . Let people say we are afraid ! We know in our hearts that that is not true ! We know that true courage is going on even when we are afraid . Living under Fàolan 's rule scares me more than anything else ! I would rather die fighting for my freedom and go to be with the Creator than live under Fàolan 's rule . But I don 't , for two reasons - the first is that I do not believe that the Creator wants us to fight in these circumstances . Yes , Fàolan has made us outlaws , but until he comes after my family , I will not put my hand to my sword , especially not just in anger because we are suppressed somewhat . I can still feed my family , can still provide and support them . I will do that as well as I can while I have life in me . That has not been taken away from me yet , and I will not fight yet . " He paused . " Secondly is that it takes more boldness , more courage , more love , to stand firm in my faith and trust the Creator for what He will do rather than taking it into my own hands . It is a more excellent way ; it teaches more people the ways of the Creator , it saves more lives . Let us chose to take the harder path , even though it is less traveled and we will be persecuted for it . " He held up the law . " And even when the darkness comes , remember that we have a lamp , the strongest light in all of Edaled , to guide our feet . " Adan stood . " Chris is right ! " He said . " We have the greatest light . What a pity if we keep it all to ourselves and do not share it ! Let us not be suppressed - yes , we have to meet far into the woods . But can we not , while we have life and breath and words stand up in public and preach love ? " He pointed to Bardan . " We have one in our midst who does that ! But the people do not believe him , because he sings in riddles ! There are those among us who can make it clear . Let us make it clear - this is a people that has been in darkness too long and who needs a way out . Let us show them the path home ! " Nigel stood , and Enid and Fagan by him . " We will declare His love , " Nigel said , and Brianna stood next to him . " What use is it to hold on to great news and keep it to ourselves ? What good is it to call ourselves followers of the Creator and yet we do not declare whom we follow ? Those who follow Fàolan tell the world , saying ' Fàolan is on our side ! We fight for him ! ' Why cannot we do the same ? " He picked her up . " Yes , Eliana , we can do this , " Chris said , reading her wordless look . " We can stand for the Creator ; for we know that nothing can separate us from Him or His love ! Fàolan may have us arrested ; he may have us killed . Even though there are few of us , we will be even fewer if we die without spreading His love . " Mikhil approached the village cautiously , worried that if he went to the wrong place he would be caught - and killed . He sighed . His feet hurt , and even worse , his legs throbbed with pain . He was tired from the loss of blood he had received from his side wound . He had not wanted to take another bandage from his shirt , because then the rags they had become would barely be enough to keep him warm , even with his jerkin over it . Besides , leather scratching against bare skin was not comfortable . He walked up to the first house he saw . In some ways , he wanted to be caught , that way he could get a ride to Fàolan without having to walk all of the way back to Poná . But he also knew that the soldiers might not believe him and he might not be allowed to live at all , not even all of the way to Poná . But maybe , just maybe , they would want to take him to Fàolan , even if it were just to have him there to have him killed so that he could be an example to other rebels who might want to rise up against Fàolan . He would have to see , though . He had already knocked , so now it was too late to change his mind . He hoped the soldiers and whoever lived inside the house would be merciful . Maybe they would have a horse so that even if he didn 't get a lift from Fàolan 's soldiers he still wouldn 't have to walk all of the way back " home . " And once back in Poná , what would he do ? He couldn 't bear to stop at home , for they would ask what he was doing and it would break their hearts . As hateful as he had become , Mikhil could not bring himself to do that . He could not do that to them , he could not tell them that he had left the Creator 's ways , they would only force him to stay at home and try to teach him the Creator 's ways again , he knew they would do that and that he could not escape from it . Maybe someday he would see them again , after this all ended and things were at peace in Edaled again , if that were ever to happen . At least he was on the right side now , the winning side , not the losing side . " I 'm looking for food . I escaped from the battle and have not had much to eat for the past three weeks - I have lived basically on snow and what little I can forage in the winters . . . " Mikhil fell against the door , too weak to stand any longer . " It 's a man who escaped from the battle . It looks as if he were on the side of the freedom fighters . Fàolan would not have left one of his soldiers dressed so poorly , and he would have gone straight to Fàolan instead of stopping at a village if he were on Fàolan 's side . He is wounded badly , it looks as if his legs have been cut and that he has a side cut as well , from the looks of the blood on his body . He 's lost a lot of blood and fell unconscious on our doorstep . " " Aye , I know ! But are we going to forsake the ways that we have been trained up in ? These are no times to bow to a lesser law when we live to a higher standard ! " " Ruth , look at what freedoms we still have left . Look at how the gatherings at our meetings grow each week ! He does love us , He is only teaching us to wait upon Him and to trust Him . " " Go make some broth . I will take off his jerkin and cut his leggings so we can see his wounds . It does not look as if they have been properly dressed . " " Is he , now ? " She took a ladle from a pot of soup on the table and dished some of it up into a trencher . She took it over to Mikhil and handed it to him , and then helped him sit up . " I did . . . once . But those times have gone now . I have seen things that make me think and believe that the way of Fàolan is better than that . " " Aye , I did , and saw how little they cared for each other . Each was fighting his own personal battle , except for me and one other . Most claimed they had ' debts to pay , ' with Fàolan , and that they would not rest until they were free from his rule and had avenged themselves or were dead . It looks as if they got the latter , for as far as I know , only fourteen including myself survived the battle , and everyone else died . Twelve of the thirteen that survived were killed by treachery in the mountain pass into Byshan , because the thirteenth betrayed us . Now I am on my way to Fàolan . Perhaps I can help him and tell him what I know and then I can help him win and he will give me power . " " I don 't think you are thinking straight , lad . Drink this soup , and once you have drunk I will get my husband and he will see to your wounds again . You may stay here until you are better , if you wish . " " Because of what people have done to me . I trusted them and they broke that trust . They tried to tell me things but that 's all it was , just words . My family , even . When I thought I would do something they did not want me to do , they did not restrain me , only stopped me with words . " Mikhil looked down at his legs , for the first time seeing that his leggings had been cut and his wounds properly dressed . A thought of gratitude pushed through his head , and the thought that maybe , just maybe there were some followers of the Creator who actually truly cared and loved , more than just words and into actions - like Fagan and his family . Why hadn 't he listened , he wondered again . The front door opened and John came in with a cold gust of wind . He carried some dried herbs in his hands . " I went to the apothecary and got some of the herbs we need for the lad , " he said . Seeing Mikhil was awake , he turned to Mikhil and nodded . " Hello . Glad to see you 're awake . How are your legs feeling ? " " That 's good . I dressed them some , but not enough yet . They 're badly infected . It 's good you stopped here , because much longer like that and they would have had to have been amputated . " He kissed Ruth , then Jonathan came running to give his father a hug . " Welcome to our home , by the way . I am John , and this is my wife Ruth and son Jonathan . " " Nay , ' tis too late for that , I have made my decision . I have been hurt too badly by followers of the Creator to follow the Creator any more . I 've decided that I will go to Fàolan and get power and become one of his captains . I could really help him , you know , because of what I 've seen . " " I understand the feel of a need for power in a young man . But be careful , Mikhil , because what you are doing is not right . How can you betray those you love ? " " I do not think he will harm us . He has not fallen so far yet . There is sill some love left in him ; Daron has not sucked it all out of him yet . Let us pray he never does . " Ruth smiled , knowing John was thinking of himself . Long ago , as a boy , John had run away from home with similar motives to Mikhil 's . He had returned home , though before two weeks had finished , because he had had enough discretion to see that Fàolan was full of lies . However , Mikhil had been blinded so that he could not clearly see that these things he was chasing after did not reflect what was good . He thought they did , but in truth they did not , rather they only reflected Daron and the motives of an evil and fallen heart that refused to turn back . Mikhil and my Three Dark Roses guy Joel would get along well in an evil , nasty sort of way . I want to bop Mikhil with a sword and beat some sense into him ! What a fool ! |
" Hatred , " said my mother , " is the Prince of Devils . When you hate like that you are in his power . " My mother believed in devils and she wanted me to believe in them too . It was something she had always said , for as long as I could remember , something that she said to me and not to my brother Alfred . There were a lot of things which she said to me but not to Alfred and I didn 't listen to any of them , which was probably why she kept saying them , over and over again . My mother often repeated herself , as if in the constant spewing out of the same words she could change things . It was either that or she had a terrible memory , although , given her capacity to remember and recycle every mistake I ever made , I find it difficult to think she was merely forgetful . She always said I was forgetful , conveniently so , as she put it , with a curl to her lips which dragged the skin back across her teeth . She had awful teeth , chalky and pitted across the front with small , black spots , like a sprinkling of cockroach droppings and that was why she never smiled . When she felt a smile coming on she used to pull her lips together in a rigid line so that the teeth remained covered and only the muscles danced on either side of her mouth . Sometimes I thought she would explode with the sheer effort of holding back a smile , but she managed , and as the years went by she got better and better at it , so much so that there came a time when the corners of her mouth no longer knew how to dance . She used to say that she had nothing to laugh about but I don 't know , even as a child I had a sense that life was more of a laughing matter than anything else , except when it came to hating , that was different . I think she knew that , knew I was deadly serious and that 's why she kept harping on about it , but as far as I 'm concerned , hatred is a private matter anyway , something between myself and whoever or whatever I happen to be hating at the moment . You can 't put on someone else 's hatred like a new coat and you can 't take off the one you 're wearing just because someone else doesn 't like it . The strange thing about it , looking back , is that I never stood up to her , never answered back . . . not until that dayWe were talking about my brother , or rather , she was talking about her son . It was an interminable subject once Alfred had grown up and was out working , and it generally ran along the same lines , giving me no choice but to try and ignore her . The patterns in the sickly green laminex table were far more interesting , especially when I traced my greasy fingers around them and marked them out with a line of crumbs from my plate . It was really very ugly that laminex table , but practical , said my mother , easy to look after . It was always my job to wipe the table after we had eaten and while it seemed to clean up well enough , I hated the way that small crumbs would get caught in the metal rim . It was a source of secret satisfaction to me , knowing that millions of filthy little creatures were quietly nibbling away at the crumbs beneath the rim of our kitchen table . My mother was paranoid about cleanliness and would get hysterical if we came in from playing without washing our hands . She was forever washing hers and the skin was always peeling off , falling about her as she worked , in pale , dry flakes . My father bought her some moisturiser but she wouldn 't use it , said it just gave the germs a warm , moist environment in which to breed . I was hoping she would let me use it , but she didn 't , wrapped it up instead one Christmas and gave it to her mother who had skin like silk and the most beautiful hands I 've ever seen . They were just like the hands of the Virgin Mary that you see on all the statues and that was how my grandmother used to sit , with her hands clasped in front of her breasts as if she were praying . She was proud of her hands my grandmother , said that they were her best feature outside of her hair and her cheekbones . She called my mother ' lizard - hands ' when she was angry with her , which was more often than not . She also used to make fun of her for worrying about germs , said she was obsessive and the problem was in her brain , not in the dirt . It didn 't change anything , words don 't most of the time , and my mother kept scrubbing and worrying and washing her hands . I told her once , that the table was really very unhygenic , that it was a secret bed of disease at which we ate every day . It was no wonder that she always had an upset stomach and that Alfred , who did not have a strong constitution at the best of times , was always ill . I knew I had struck home when I saw there was a cloth on the table that same evening , and also the next night , but it didn 't last long . Normally we weren 't allowed to use a tablecloth during the week , only on Sundays and when visitors came . It made for unnecessary washing . There was nothing unnecessary in our house , nothing excessive . Except for me . Perhaps that 's why my mother hated me . I knew she did and knew too that it was why I wasn 't allowed to hate anyone . It was all a bit close to home . I did hate though , I 'd learned it from her and learned too how to get under her skin . She was always talking about my brother , going on and on about how wonderful he was , such a good student , brilliant athlete , wonderful son . . . that sort of thing . It was the only time actually , when her face looked calm , when the lines across her forehead just fell away . It was as if the mere act of talking about Alfred could erase all the cares and worries which dragged in deep lines across her face , pulling down her mouth and the sides of her nose into what looked like a perpetual sneer . Alfred could do that to her , make her look young again , and even beautiful as she looked in her wedding photographs . She always used to say that Alfred looked just like his father when he was a boy but thankfully that was the only thing he had inherited . She and my father had grown up in the same suburb , no more than a street apart , and while they did not really meet until they were well into their teens , they knew each other by sight . People walked a lot in those days , especially on warm summer nights and everyone would say hello to each other or at least nod . I don 't think their parents ever had a real conversation , people used to keep pretty much to themselves unless they were propShe sat back as if I 'd slapped her . It was wicked , she said , to say that I hated my brother , terribly wicked to say I hated anyone . Then she went on about how evil I was and how my father 's mother must have turned my mind , that I was a child left by the devil in place of her own and that I could not possibly be her own daughter . The fact that I looked almost exactly like her seemed to conveniently escape her notice at this point , and if it had not been for that one particularly glaring piece of evidence I would happily have embraced her theory . Even then I felt nothing for this woman who had supposedly brought me forth from her own flesh . When I was very young I had sorted through her important papers , the one 's she kept in the big black leather bag in the bottom of the wardrobe , so convinced that I was adopted and the evidence must surely be found . I was only eight and I was so disappointed when I read her name on the birth certificate that I started to cry , but then I read my father 's name as well and that cheered me up . If I had to belong to her then at least I belonged to him as well . If she was the price I paid for being my father 's daughter then so be it . The thing that really seemed to bother her most about hating was the fact that if we hated someone , then it meant that we wished they were dead . I couldn 't see why this was such a problem , of course that was what hating was all about ; why make out it was something different ? There are many times , when people wish that someone or something did not exist and if the only means to that end is death then of course that is what they wish . Some would say that only children feel this way and that it is something which can be instructed out of the child but I think it is in all of us for all of our lives . Death can be such an effective and simple solution to a problem that one cannot help but be lured by its teasing smile . It was not that I ever actively wished or willed the death of another and that was why I found hating such a convenient emotion . It offered the possibility of solution , that was all , and seemed to appease whatever it was that scratched with lethal claws inside of me . My mother didn 't see it that way but it was only because she wasn 't being honest with herself . For a long time I thought she was simply too stupid to be honest with herself , but she wasn 't that stupid . Sometimes she even sounded intelligent , although she was , in the main , a coarse , largely uneducated woman . As the eldest daughter , her mother had demanded that she help around the house when finances became strained and it was no longer possible to keep a maid . My mother became the maid when she was thirteen and her schooling finished at that point , busy as she was , caring for her five siblings and taking charge of the general running of the house . She had wanted to be a teacher she told me once although the thought of it made my blood run cold as she was very strict with children and not at all understanding , and I had suffered under too many such instructors to have wished another on the world . Her mother had been clever though and educated well it seems , unusual for the times and even stranger to think of her as my mother 's mother . I nevOne thing is still different though , I haven 't handed myself over to the angels . You know where you stand with a devil . . . one wrong move and you 've had it . Angels on the other hand are much more fickle . It 's all that love which is the problem . We didn 't believe in love in my family , not really . We talked about it , used the word when it suited but we didn 't really believe in it . My father didn 't know how to love , or so my mother said . I can remember times when I found him loving , and my brother said the same but as we got older it became harder to remember . His mother had never kissed him , never hugged him , that was the trouble and then there was the war . He had lied about his age , like so many , and gone to do a man 's work in the shoes of a boy . A lot of them thought that first war was going to be a great adventure , a bigger , more exciting version of the fun and games they had had as boys . The trouble was that a lot of them were still just boys and wouldn 't have been able to see the truth of war if someone had explained it to them very slowly and very carefully . They had to experience it , to find out for themselves that war is only ever what it has always been . . . pain and death . . . with a little bit of excitement and glory thrown in from time to time to soak up the blood . It changed them forever . My mother said that he even looked different when he came back from the war , that she didn 't recognise him when she passed him in the street and it was only when her brother introduced them that she realised who he was . He had been such a pretty little boy , she said , but after the war , while he was still handsome , there was a hardness to his expression and a brittle edge to his voice . War is no good for loving , especially for boys who have never been kissed or hugged . So many years have passed since my mother first told me not to hate my brother . She is long dead and so is my father but their words live on . I 'm much older , but only a little wiser . I don 't hate my brother Alfred anymore and probably I never did , but I still hate those who have wronged me , especially Michael who was meant to protect me , and if that means I walk hand in hand with the prince of devils then so be it . That was probably the one thing that Michael and my father had in common , a hardness of expression and a roughness to the voice although it wasn 't something that I saw or heard in Michael before we were married ; it came later . The way I hated Alfred wasn 't real hating , it was just the worst thing I could think of to say because I knew it upset my mother and he was her favourite . He was everyone 's favourite , but then Alfred was that sort of person . It was unfair competition really , him so good and me so bad . And he was good too , most of the time , to his parents , to other people and usually to me . He was a nice person Alfred , sunny - natured and generally kind , at least as long as he got his own way . He didn 't think a lot , but then he didn 't need to because generally life went the way that he wanted without too many upsets . Things just seemed to work out for Alfred and I can only assume he had more than one guardian angel looking after him . He was , as they say , born under a lucky star and generally the heavens shone upon him . He was good - looking too and everyone liked him and , when I look back on it , I find it hard to see that he put a foot wrong . I was the opposite , of course , clumping through life loud - hoofed and clumsy , but I got there all the same , even without the help of the angels . I had my devil of course , and that made a difference , but one devil against hordes of angels can only do so much . I know my mother believed that the devils had more power , and so did I when I was younger , but even then I doubted it from time to time and now I 'm not so sure at all . I wouldn 't swap though , not my life for Alfred 's , no matter how sunny and peaceful it might have been . He came to a bad end , not at all nice and of course he died fairly young but then that 's the way it is supposed to happen . The only time I think I ever truly hated him was when we fought over the horse . Robin we called him , a large , wooden rocking horse which had belonged to my mother and been handed down to us . It was the one possession which we had to share , other than our parents of course , and I suppose that 's why we fought over it so much . Robin was a glorious creature , with mane and tail of coarse , cream hair , brown and white flanks and a red leather saddle with real stirrups . That horse took me further than I 've ever been and as far as I needed to go as a child . Within the rocking , back and forth , I found my freedom and with eyes closed , head flung back I could ride to the heavens and beyond , tearing past the flames of the sun , thundering across mountainous clouds , feeling the whispered scream of the wind in my hair . He could travel anywhere and take me with him , from the land of the living to the land of the dead ; through sun - bright nights and moon - filled days ; through the realms of angels and of devils , on and on and back again . And often I did not ride alone , but at my side would be a boy , his face half in shadow , with skin which shone like the sun and hair , so luminous and golden , it shivered around his temples and cascaded down his back in a halo of light . He rode a horse of purest white with a flowing mane which trailed a line of small , bright , burning stars and it was he who led the way , and even in the darkest forests , black with doubt and fear , I could not lose him , for far ahead would still be seen the spiralling dance of dazzling radiance , reaching back to show me the way . I can remember , clearly , even though I never spoke of them , those fantastic journeys which were threaded so tightly through my childhood . When Alfred rode it was to a different place , it was to Camelot , the land of heroes and shining dreams , where all was put to rights by those who knew the truth . Alfred knew in the core of his soul that he was born to be a knight and within the moving visions of childhood he could find his way to only one place . Sometimes he wanted me to be his Guinevere , but I preferred to play the Black Knight and Alfred would agree , if only because even good knights must have something bad to fight against . We would battle to the death in innocent fields and whoever won would get to ride Robin for the rest of the day . In terms of sharing it generally worked out equally because while Alfred was older then me , and of course , bigger and stronger , I had different ways of playing where the way to victory could be found through the undergrowth of bent and twisted rules . It was on those rare occasions that Alfred took exception to my cheating and claimed his right to ride that I called foul . It was then that I hated him , and wanted to tell my mother so ; to throw soot upon the brightly polished armour of her heroic son . It was while she was sweeping the kitchen floor that Pandora found herself craving treacle on fresh , buttered bread . She kept thinking about the letter which had arrived from the retirement home that morning , telling her that a place would become available in two months time . It had been a shock to see the words , written so clearly and precisely upon the page , stark and irrefutable evidence that what she had set in motion had finally borne fruit . It wasn 't that she had second thoughts about moving out of what had been her home for so many years , but rather that it all seemed to be happening much sooner than she expected . It was only when she found herself sweeping the same part of the floor over and over again and thinking about treacle and fresh bread that she realised how upset she was . But it was Wednesday and she would not shop again until Friday . Pandora toyed with the idea of changing her routine and then told herself that there was bread in the freezer , knowing even as she did that it was not a solution because it never tasted the same as bread baked that day . The craving became so great that finally she could withstand its demands no longer and so she put down the broom , left it leaning against the kitchen table for when the task could be more comfortably completed , and , after putting on her hat and coat , set out for the shops . There was a guilty flutter of excitement in her chest as she walked , for no other reason than that she was embarking upon something which was beyond the regular ; something which was not a normal part of her routine . Pandora found that life passed more easily when she maintained an established order to her days . It was something that she had done since Michael left and now that she was getting older , and sometimes even a little forgetful , it proved to be even more essential . It was just as she turned the corner that she passed the woman who had taken over old Mrs Jessop 's house at the end of the street , some five years before . Pandora nodded and the woman returned her nod . Neither smiled but then neither expected it . They occasionally passed each other this way and since Pandora liked to keep herself to herself and the woman appeared to want to do the same , there was little more than a nod that could be shared . There was a comfortableness about it though , despite the fact that they were passing on a Wednesday and not a Friday . Pandora wondered briefly if the woman always went out on a Wednesday . With that leg of hers it was a wonder she went out at all . It always saddened her to see the woman because she was so badly crippled . She looked to be about sixty , although she could have been younger , her face merely reflecting the ravages of her disfigurement like some distorted mirror . Pain had a way of re - drawing people 's faces , aging them almost beyond recognition with carefully measured strokes , as had happened with her father before he died . The woman always made Pandora think of her father but it was only because his sister had also been a cripple and he had loved her so very much . The look of love on his face , that day she had seen him with his sister , was something which remained with her still . At the time it had almost taken her breath away and even now she found herself gasping quietly as the image drew strength and re - fleshed itself yet again . Pandora had been very young at the time but more than old enough to recognise the look of love and she had never forgotten it ; could not in fact forget it even if she had tried . It was only the one time that she saw her aunt , although she had heard about her , but no more than muffled whispers and foolishly dropped words . She had not been meant to see her , and neither she suspected had her father because normally his sister was kept in a home . The nuns knew how to care for such people , her grandmother had once said to her mother . It was only when they walked into the sitting room that they saw her , down on her hands and knees , crawling along the floor . She was a round , fleshy woman with a plump face pitted with acne scars and small , wistful eyes , which grew bright and round like small , hard marbles at the sight of Pandora 's father . In an instant , he too was on his knees , pulling his sister into his arms . When his parents walked into the room it was to find him holding the mute and broken woman in his arms , rocking her back and forth like a baby , murmuring softly into her cheek that she was a lovely girl , his favourite girl . Pandora had been less shocked at the sight of her father than the scream which came from her grandmother 's lips when she walked into the room . Her father had scrambled to his feet and his sister had tumbled like soft - bodied doll onto her side . Pandora and her father were hurried from the room , told it was not a good time to visit and shown out to the front gate by grandfather who looked both incredibly uncomfortable and terribly sad . " Your mother knows best , " he had said , and Pandora 's father had nodded . It was on the way home that her father told her what had happened to his sister . He did not talk for what seemed an age and Pandora had been desperate to ask but dared not . There was a look on his face which threatened the desperation of either tears or rage and she feared both . When he did speak his lips jerked at either corner , as if the muscles , held tight , were trying to keep the words in order . She had been a beautiful little girl , he said , born two years after him , with the face of an angel . Everyone had loved her , especially he and his father and they could deny her nothing . It was her father who had given in to her pestering and let her ride the pony when she was four , and it was on that first ride , when she demanded that she let him hold the reins herself , just for a moment , that the pony took fright at a snake and threw her to the ground . Father had been right by her side , holding out his hand to taGloria was thrown onto the ground and , hitting her head on a rock had lain unconscious for a week . He would never forget the sight of her body , so broken and still , with the bright stream of blood mingling with her delicate , cream curls . When at last she opened her eyes they had all wept with joy but he had seen , before anyone , that Gloria was gone . What was left was a shell , a body constructed of something more like plastic than flesh , which drew no direction from a crippled brain . Gloria had become like one of her many dolls , although they kept their pretty faces and hers stretched and coarsened over the years as her body grew fat and her muscles wasted through lack of use . She never walked again , or spoke and while she was cared for at home until she was ten , it was always known that one day Gloria would go to the nuns . They sent her away while he was at boarding school and by the time he came home for the holidays there was no trace of her . It was as if she had never been . Her bed was gone , and all of her toys , and while there were some photographs of the family where she was pictured before the accident , there was no other evidence that his favourite girl had ever existed . When she did visit , and it was not often , his mother would always make sure the other children were not at home . He never saw her again , he said , until then . Pandora had cried at hearing this story , and even now , in the remembering , the tears gathered at the corners of her eyes . It was the saddest story she had ever heard and remained so if only for the pain which was twisted around it , her father 's pain . Her father had asked her that day not to blame her grandmother , that she did only what she thought was right , but it was not her grandmother that Pandora blamed for the suffering but Gloria ; the finger pointed firmly at her dribbling , soft - bellied aunt . It was one of the reasons that she really did not like coming across the crippled woman . Some things are best forgotten . At the same time she found a fascination with her and there was aIt wasn 't that he didn 't talk , it was just that he didn 't seem to do it much with his family . At work he talked all the time but then that was what barbers were meant to do . Sometimes , listening to him talk , she would feel that this man who was her father was also someone else . She liked him more , this other person who was her father , but who was not being her father but rather , another part of himself which seemed more at ease , even humorous at times . His face looked different , more composed if anything , and the voice changed too , losing its hard edge and flowing around words , pushing them forward with a gentle touch rather than marshalling them to attention . Pandora never heard him talk about the war though . She heard other people talk about him and the war , talk about how much it had changed him and she was curious to hear from his own mouth what it was like but she could not form the right question to ask , and knew , even if she did , that she would not have the courage to ask it . It was as if he had within himself a steel box which held all of those stories which could never be told , something which he could not allow to be opened by anyone , not even himself . He used to listen to other men talk about the war though , nodding his head in agreement , but adding nothing , only the slight jerking of a muscle at the side of his mouth . There were one or two men who talked about the war all the time but they hadn 't been in the trenches , they hadn 't been where he had been . Their stories were safe to tell . My mother cared more about Alfred than she did me and later she cared more about Michael . When I think about it , now that it 's too late , they were really a lot alike . It would have been easier if I 'd married someone like my father , but then I would have had to deal with the drink . Not that any of it matters now . It 's all too long ago and even Michael is dead . I still hate him though . No matter what my mother said , it 's not a matter of allowing yourself to hate , such things come easily . I might be old and he might be dead , but the hatred is still young . . young and vigorous . It feeds on rage , hatred does , and rage , if it doesn 't destroy you , can be the source of life . I might have been different if I 'd married another sort of man but wishing doesn 't change things and tinkering with probabilities is only a distraction . I have wondered though , if I had married someone other than Michael , if perhaps the hatred would not have stayed with me . But it 's served me well and I can 't imagine who I might have been without it . My mother believed that I had sold my soul to the devil , entered into a pact as she put it . Well , I can 't say that it was ever anything definite but who knows . I 'm the only one still alive and they say that only the good die young . Not that they were good , I won 't have that , and it was not that they died so terribly young , just that they were not as old as I am now . It 's strange being old . You don 't feel any different inside , you just look different and that 's something I never quite get used to . I 've had all the mirrors taken out of the house because it was just such a shock each morning and since I don 't wear makeup anymore there 's really no need for a mirror . You don 't have to look at your face to wash it and with my hair pulled back in a bun , well , it 's the easiest of things and I 've been doing it so long I could pin it up with my eyes closed anyway . It 's my hands though , I try not to look at my hands because they seem ancient , much , much older than the rest of me and sometimes , when I do look at them , I get the feeling that they 're not mine , that they really belong to someone else . It 's a strange feeling and I don 't like it but it seems to happen more the older I get , as if whoever I am inside this body has less and less to do with the body that I can see . It 's easy to become bitter when you get old . My mother did , although I have to remind myself that I can 't remember her any other way . I 've tried hard not to be bitter , but I think I am . . . it creeps out , watches me , laughs in that nasty dry way at my best intentions . Yes , I do have good intentions , lots of them , it 's just that they seem to get lost along the way , bogged down in something thick and murky which won 't let them through , no matter how much I try . Not that I 've done such a bad job of getting old . I 've enjoyed it more than I thought I would . I think the most important thing about getting old is accepting what you 've got . Oh , I know a lot of people would say , if they were still alive , that I 've never been very accepting or contented with my lot but then none of them really knew me . I 've made the best of a lot of things in my life and if other people couldn 't see , it was only because I didn 't make a fuss about it . Granny used to say the less other people knew about you the better and that 's the way I 've done it . She used to say that the more you tell about yourself the morWe 're all pretty ordinary when you come down to it . We start out thinking we 're special but life soon knocks that arrogant little illusion into shape . I used to think I was special . I used to think I was a lot of things . Funny how we change our minds without knowing we are doing it . Perhaps that 's what getting old is about , discovering that most of the things which you thought were important don 't really matter so much after all . It 's the memories which stay with you , and the feelings . . . the strong ones anyway , like love and hate . I 'm all alone now . They 're all gone , all dead . . . well , not all , my daughters are still alive but I haven 't seen them in years . It wasn 't that we fought or anything , no , nothing specific like that , it was just that they stopped coming to see me . Not that the visits had been frequent since they left home , but they were regular , birthdays , Mother 's Day , Christmas , that sort of thing and then , one year , neither of them came . It was the second year after Christopher 's death that the visits stopped . Perhaps that was why I didn 't really notice , why it took me three years more to realise that I hadn 't seen the girls for more than four years and by then it was too late . They didn 't like the way I talked about their father and I told them I had every right to talk about him in any way that I wanted . He might be their father , but he had been my husband and he had wronged me , and wronged them too . Oh yes , he had wronged all of us but by then they had stopped believing what I said about him . They said my hatred was poisoning them , poisoning us all and that it was time I gave up my anger . I told them that I had every right to be angry , that I knew what I was angry about and that hating their father was my business , not theirs . I tried to explain to them again what he was really like but they 'd stopped hearing . It was all true of course , everything I told them , just as true as when I had first said it , but for some reason they decided they wanted to see him and things were never the same after thaThey shouldn 't have gone to see Michael though . God only knows what he told them . It would all have been lies , but they couldn 't tell the difference between his lies and my truth . He had no right to see them anyway since he was the one who walked out on us all . He kept saying to me afterwards that he didn 't understand why I was so upset since I hated him and didn 't want him around anyway , but that wasn 't the point . It wasn 't what he did , it was the way he did it . Michael never understood the how of things , never understood that it wasn 't so much what you did but how you did it . They betrayed me by going to see their father . Zoe would have known that ; she always knew what she was doing . I can 't believe she wouldn 't know how it would hurt me . That was why she wrote to tell me about the visit . She didn 't have to do that ; it was only to done to inflict pain . I should have known they couldn 't be trusted . They weren 't like me , the girls , they were more like Michael and my mother - - they both had a lot of my mother in them . That 's the hardest thing of all about having children , you never know which bits of either side you 're going to get . They have their own natures , I 'm not denying that , but there 's so much that comes down in the blood . My grandmother used to say that it was all in the blood , all the important things which people inherited and that 's why you had to look closely at the family of whoever you married , all of them , because you 'd see signs of what was inside them and that was what your children would get , the hidden things , the unexpected inheritances . I didn 't understand what she was going on about when I was younger but I know now , perfectly well . . . I 've seen it all . The strange thing about it was that she liked Michael . She only met him once , when he was a young boy , because she knew the family , but I remember her saying what a nice boy he was . He was much too young then for me to care about but I always listened to what my grandmother said and I 've wondered since if she was the reason I married Michael . It was later , when I could clearly see the truth of him that I didn 't understand why she hadn 't seen it either , hadn 't seen the man inside the boy , because you always can see who the child will be and she was good at that , good at picking people , lifting up the facade and seeing who was really inside . Even my mother used to say that granny had a ' nose for people , ' that she could see who you really were just by looking at you . She could do that with me , knew me inside out , and it was the strangest feeling to be so easily revealed and more than a little frightening . My mother was scared of her and I think that 's why ; she could hide nothing . It was second sight alright , the devil 's gift and for a long time I hoped that I would have it too , that it would be passed on to me , but I can 't say it happened , although sometimes I wondered about Christopher . You can see more as you get older , see yourself and other people more clearly . It 's as if you have reached the end of a long road and can look back and see more clearly the twists and turns . Age gives you perspective , arranges people on the page so you can see the similarities more clearly . If I 'd known more about Michael when I married him , and more about his family I would never have done it . The genes on his side were not good and my mother 's family didn 't make it any better . Now that 's the real Pandora 's box when I come to think about it , genetics , who gets what from which side of the family and from how far back . That 's what having children does , opens the box of genes and you 've no idea what you 're going to get . It 's all in there , just waiting for a chance to escape and you can only hope and pray that it won 't be havoc which is unleashed on the world . I think Zoe would come into the havoc category but Blanche , well , Blanche is just Blanche . She had my aunt 's eyes , the one who couldn 't walk or talk . My father adored her and I was the only one who knew why . It was a bad sign though , I knew even then it was a bad sign . Christopher was different , he took after my father 's side of the family completely . Not that it was all good , they had a weakness with the drink that family and I had seen enough of it in my father to hope that Christopher would escape it . He did , and I was grateful for that , although to be honest I suppose I would have to say it just came out in another way . He drew the same lot at the end of the day , it was just that it dressed in different clothes . |
" Hatred , " said my mother , " is the Prince of Devils . When you hate like that you are in his power . " My mother believed in devils and she wanted me to believe in them too . It was something she had always said , for as long as I could remember , something that she said to me and not to my brother Alfred . There were a lot of things which she said to me but not to Alfred and I didn 't listen to any of them , which was probably why she kept saying them , over and over again . My mother often repeated herself , as if in the constant spewing out of the same words she could change things . It was either that or she had a terrible memory , although , given her capacity to remember and recycle every mistake I ever made , I find it difficult to think she was merely forgetful . She always said I was forgetful , conveniently so , as she put it , with a curl to her lips which dragged the skin back across her teeth . She had awful teeth , chalky and pitted across the front with small , black spots , like a sprinkling of cockroach droppings and that was why she never smiled . When she felt a smile coming on she used to pull her lips together in a rigid line so that the teeth remained covered and only the muscles danced on either side of her mouth . Sometimes I thought she would explode with the sheer effort of holding back a smile , but she managed , and as the years went by she got better and better at it , so much so that there came a time when the corners of her mouth no longer knew how to dance . She used to say that she had nothing to laugh about but I don 't know , even as a child I had a sense that life was more of a laughing matter than anything else , except when it came to hating , that was different . I think she knew that , knew I was deadly serious and that 's why she kept harping on about it , but as far as I 'm concerned , hatred is a private matter anyway , something between myself and whoever or whatever I happen to be hating at the moment . You can 't put on someone else 's hatred like a new coat and you can 't take off the one you 're wearing just because someone else doesn 't like it . The strange thing about it , looking back , is that I never stood up to her , never answered back . . . not until that dayWe were talking about my brother , or rather , she was talking about her son . It was an interminable subject once Alfred had grown up and was out working , and it generally ran along the same lines , giving me no choice but to try and ignore her . The patterns in the sickly green laminex table were far more interesting , especially when I traced my greasy fingers around them and marked them out with a line of crumbs from my plate . It was really very ugly that laminex table , but practical , said my mother , easy to look after . It was always my job to wipe the table after we had eaten and while it seemed to clean up well enough , I hated the way that small crumbs would get caught in the metal rim . It was a source of secret satisfaction to me , knowing that millions of filthy little creatures were quietly nibbling away at the crumbs beneath the rim of our kitchen table . My mother was paranoid about cleanliness and would get hysterical if we came in from playing without washing our hands . She was forever washing hers and the skin was always peeling off , falling about her as she worked , in pale , dry flakes . My father bought her some moisturiser but she wouldn 't use it , said it just gave the germs a warm , moist environment in which to breed . I was hoping she would let me use it , but she didn 't , wrapped it up instead one Christmas and gave it to her mother who had skin like silk and the most beautiful hands I 've ever seen . They were just like the hands of the Virgin Mary that you see on all the statues and that was how my grandmother used to sit , with her hands clasped in front of her breasts as if she were praying . She was proud of her hands my grandmother , said that they were her best feature outside of her hair and her cheekbones . She called my mother ' lizard - hands ' when she was angry with her , which was more often than not . She also used to make fun of her for worrying about germs , said she was obsessive and the problem was in her brain , not in the dirt . It didn 't change anything , words don 't most of the time , and my mother kept scrubbing and worrying and washing her hands . I told her once , that the table was really very unhygenic , that it was a secret bed of disease at which we ate every day . It was no wonder that she always had an upset stomach and that Alfred , who did not have a strong constitution at the best of times , was always ill . I knew I had struck home when I saw there was a cloth on the table that same evening , and also the next night , but it didn 't last long . Normally we weren 't allowed to use a tablecloth during the week , only on Sundays and when visitors came . It made for unnecessary washing . There was nothing unnecessary in our house , nothing excessive . Except for me . Perhaps that 's why my mother hated me . I knew she did and knew too that it was why I wasn 't allowed to hate anyone . It was all a bit close to home . I did hate though , I 'd learned it from her and learned too how to get under her skin . She was always talking about my brother , going on and on about how wonderful he was , such a good student , brilliant athlete , wonderful son . . . that sort of thing . It was the only time actually , when her face looked calm , when the lines across her forehead just fell away . It was as if the mere act of talking about Alfred could erase all the cares and worries which dragged in deep lines across her face , pulling down her mouth and the sides of her nose into what looked like a perpetual sneer . Alfred could do that to her , make her look young again , and even beautiful as she looked in her wedding photographs . She always used to say that Alfred looked just like his father when he was a boy but thankfully that was the only thing he had inherited . She and my father had grown up in the same suburb , no more than a street apart , and while they did not really meet until they were well into their teens , they knew each other by sight . People walked a lot in those days , especially on warm summer nights and everyone would say hello to each other or at least nod . I don 't think their parents ever had a real conversation , people used to keep pretty much to themselves unless they were propShe sat back as if I 'd slapped her . It was wicked , she said , to say that I hated my brother , terribly wicked to say I hated anyone . Then she went on about how evil I was and how my father 's mother must have turned my mind , that I was a child left by the devil in place of her own and that I could not possibly be her own daughter . The fact that I looked almost exactly like her seemed to conveniently escape her notice at this point , and if it had not been for that one particularly glaring piece of evidence I would happily have embraced her theory . Even then I felt nothing for this woman who had supposedly brought me forth from her own flesh . When I was very young I had sorted through her important papers , the one 's she kept in the big black leather bag in the bottom of the wardrobe , so convinced that I was adopted and the evidence must surely be found . I was only eight and I was so disappointed when I read her name on the birth certificate that I started to cry , but then I read my father 's name as well and that cheered me up . If I had to belong to her then at least I belonged to him as well . If she was the price I paid for being my father 's daughter then so be it . The thing that really seemed to bother her most about hating was the fact that if we hated someone , then it meant that we wished they were dead . I couldn 't see why this was such a problem , of course that was what hating was all about ; why make out it was something different ? There are many times , when people wish that someone or something did not exist and if the only means to that end is death then of course that is what they wish . Some would say that only children feel this way and that it is something which can be instructed out of the child but I think it is in all of us for all of our lives . Death can be such an effective and simple solution to a problem that one cannot help but be lured by its teasing smile . It was not that I ever actively wished or willed the death of another and that was why I found hating such a convenient emotion . It offered the possibility of solution , that was all , and seemed to appease whatever it was that scratched with lethal claws inside of me . My mother didn 't see it that way but it was only because she wasn 't being honest with herself . For a long time I thought she was simply too stupid to be honest with herself , but she wasn 't that stupid . Sometimes she even sounded intelligent , although she was , in the main , a coarse , largely uneducated woman . As the eldest daughter , her mother had demanded that she help around the house when finances became strained and it was no longer possible to keep a maid . My mother became the maid when she was thirteen and her schooling finished at that point , busy as she was , caring for her five siblings and taking charge of the general running of the house . She had wanted to be a teacher she told me once although the thought of it made my blood run cold as she was very strict with children and not at all understanding , and I had suffered under too many such instructors to have wished another on the world . Her mother had been clever though and educated well it seems , unusual for the times and even stranger to think of her as my mother 's mother . I nevOne thing is still different though , I haven 't handed myself over to the angels . You know where you stand with a devil . . . one wrong move and you 've had it . Angels on the other hand are much more fickle . It 's all that love which is the problem . We didn 't believe in love in my family , not really . We talked about it , used the word when it suited but we didn 't really believe in it . My father didn 't know how to love , or so my mother said . I can remember times when I found him loving , and my brother said the same but as we got older it became harder to remember . His mother had never kissed him , never hugged him , that was the trouble and then there was the war . He had lied about his age , like so many , and gone to do a man 's work in the shoes of a boy . A lot of them thought that first war was going to be a great adventure , a bigger , more exciting version of the fun and games they had had as boys . The trouble was that a lot of them were still just boys and wouldn 't have been able to see the truth of war if someone had explained it to them very slowly and very carefully . They had to experience it , to find out for themselves that war is only ever what it has always been . . . pain and death . . . with a little bit of excitement and glory thrown in from time to time to soak up the blood . It changed them forever . My mother said that he even looked different when he came back from the war , that she didn 't recognise him when she passed him in the street and it was only when her brother introduced them that she realised who he was . He had been such a pretty little boy , she said , but after the war , while he was still handsome , there was a hardness to his expression and a brittle edge to his voice . War is no good for loving , especially for boys who have never been kissed or hugged . So many years have passed since my mother first told me not to hate my brother . She is long dead and so is my father but their words live on . I 'm much older , but only a little wiser . I don 't hate my brother Alfred anymore and probably I never did , but I still hate those who have wronged me , especially Michael who was meant to protect me , and if that means I walk hand in hand with the prince of devils then so be it . That was probably the one thing that Michael and my father had in common , a hardness of expression and a roughness to the voice although it wasn 't something that I saw or heard in Michael before we were married ; it came later . The way I hated Alfred wasn 't real hating , it was just the worst thing I could think of to say because I knew it upset my mother and he was her favourite . He was everyone 's favourite , but then Alfred was that sort of person . It was unfair competition really , him so good and me so bad . And he was good too , most of the time , to his parents , to other people and usually to me . He was a nice person Alfred , sunny - natured and generally kind , at least as long as he got his own way . He didn 't think a lot , but then he didn 't need to because generally life went the way that he wanted without too many upsets . Things just seemed to work out for Alfred and I can only assume he had more than one guardian angel looking after him . He was , as they say , born under a lucky star and generally the heavens shone upon him . He was good - looking too and everyone liked him and , when I look back on it , I find it hard to see that he put a foot wrong . I was the opposite , of course , clumping through life loud - hoofed and clumsy , but I got there all the same , even without the help of the angels . I had my devil of course , and that made a difference , but one devil against hordes of angels can only do so much . I know my mother believed that the devils had more power , and so did I when I was younger , but even then I doubted it from time to time and now I 'm not so sure at all . I wouldn 't swap though , not my life for Alfred 's , no matter how sunny and peaceful it might have been . He came to a bad end , not at all nice and of course he died fairly young but then that 's the way it is supposed to happen . The only time I think I ever truly hated him was when we fought over the horse . Robin we called him , a large , wooden rocking horse which had belonged to my mother and been handed down to us . It was the one possession which we had to share , other than our parents of course , and I suppose that 's why we fought over it so much . Robin was a glorious creature , with mane and tail of coarse , cream hair , brown and white flanks and a red leather saddle with real stirrups . That horse took me further than I 've ever been and as far as I needed to go as a child . Within the rocking , back and forth , I found my freedom and with eyes closed , head flung back I could ride to the heavens and beyond , tearing past the flames of the sun , thundering across mountainous clouds , feeling the whispered scream of the wind in my hair . He could travel anywhere and take me with him , from the land of the living to the land of the dead ; through sun - bright nights and moon - filled days ; through the realms of angels and of devils , on and on and back again . And often I did not ride alone , but at my side would be a boy , his face half in shadow , with skin which shone like the sun and hair , so luminous and golden , it shivered around his temples and cascaded down his back in a halo of light . He rode a horse of purest white with a flowing mane which trailed a line of small , bright , burning stars and it was he who led the way , and even in the darkest forests , black with doubt and fear , I could not lose him , for far ahead would still be seen the spiralling dance of dazzling radiance , reaching back to show me the way . I can remember , clearly , even though I never spoke of them , those fantastic journeys which were threaded so tightly through my childhood . When Alfred rode it was to a different place , it was to Camelot , the land of heroes and shining dreams , where all was put to rights by those who knew the truth . Alfred knew in the core of his soul that he was born to be a knight and within the moving visions of childhood he could find his way to only one place . Sometimes he wanted me to be his Guinevere , but I preferred to play the Black Knight and Alfred would agree , if only because even good knights must have something bad to fight against . We would battle to the death in innocent fields and whoever won would get to ride Robin for the rest of the day . In terms of sharing it generally worked out equally because while Alfred was older then me , and of course , bigger and stronger , I had different ways of playing where the way to victory could be found through the undergrowth of bent and twisted rules . It was on those rare occasions that Alfred took exception to my cheating and claimed his right to ride that I called foul . It was then that I hated him , and wanted to tell my mother so ; to throw soot upon the brightly polished armour of her heroic son . It was while she was sweeping the kitchen floor that Pandora found herself craving treacle on fresh , buttered bread . She kept thinking about the letter which had arrived from the retirement home that morning , telling her that a place would become available in two months time . It had been a shock to see the words , written so clearly and precisely upon the page , stark and irrefutable evidence that what she had set in motion had finally borne fruit . It wasn 't that she had second thoughts about moving out of what had been her home for so many years , but rather that it all seemed to be happening much sooner than she expected . It was only when she found herself sweeping the same part of the floor over and over again and thinking about treacle and fresh bread that she realised how upset she was . But it was Wednesday and she would not shop again until Friday . Pandora toyed with the idea of changing her routine and then told herself that there was bread in the freezer , knowing even as she did that it was not a solution because it never tasted the same as bread baked that day . The craving became so great that finally she could withstand its demands no longer and so she put down the broom , left it leaning against the kitchen table for when the task could be more comfortably completed , and , after putting on her hat and coat , set out for the shops . There was a guilty flutter of excitement in her chest as she walked , for no other reason than that she was embarking upon something which was beyond the regular ; something which was not a normal part of her routine . Pandora found that life passed more easily when she maintained an established order to her days . It was something that she had done since Michael left and now that she was getting older , and sometimes even a little forgetful , it proved to be even more essential . It was just as she turned the corner that she passed the woman who had taken over old Mrs Jessop 's house at the end of the street , some five years before . Pandora nodded and the woman returned her nod . Neither smiled but then neither expected it . They occasionally passed each other this way and since Pandora liked to keep herself to herself and the woman appeared to want to do the same , there was little more than a nod that could be shared . There was a comfortableness about it though , despite the fact that they were passing on a Wednesday and not a Friday . Pandora wondered briefly if the woman always went out on a Wednesday . With that leg of hers it was a wonder she went out at all . It always saddened her to see the woman because she was so badly crippled . She looked to be about sixty , although she could have been younger , her face merely reflecting the ravages of her disfigurement like some distorted mirror . Pain had a way of re - drawing people 's faces , aging them almost beyond recognition with carefully measured strokes , as had happened with her father before he died . The woman always made Pandora think of her father but it was only because his sister had also been a cripple and he had loved her so very much . The look of love on his face , that day she had seen him with his sister , was something which remained with her still . At the time it had almost taken her breath away and even now she found herself gasping quietly as the image drew strength and re - fleshed itself yet again . Pandora had been very young at the time but more than old enough to recognise the look of love and she had never forgotten it ; could not in fact forget it even if she had tried . It was only the one time that she saw her aunt , although she had heard about her , but no more than muffled whispers and foolishly dropped words . She had not been meant to see her , and neither she suspected had her father because normally his sister was kept in a home . The nuns knew how to care for such people , her grandmother had once said to her mother . It was only when they walked into the sitting room that they saw her , down on her hands and knees , crawling along the floor . She was a round , fleshy woman with a plump face pitted with acne scars and small , wistful eyes , which grew bright and round like small , hard marbles at the sight of Pandora 's father . In an instant , he too was on his knees , pulling his sister into his arms . When his parents walked into the room it was to find him holding the mute and broken woman in his arms , rocking her back and forth like a baby , murmuring softly into her cheek that she was a lovely girl , his favourite girl . Pandora had been less shocked at the sight of her father than the scream which came from her grandmother 's lips when she walked into the room . Her father had scrambled to his feet and his sister had tumbled like soft - bodied doll onto her side . Pandora and her father were hurried from the room , told it was not a good time to visit and shown out to the front gate by grandfather who looked both incredibly uncomfortable and terribly sad . " Your mother knows best , " he had said , and Pandora 's father had nodded . It was on the way home that her father told her what had happened to his sister . He did not talk for what seemed an age and Pandora had been desperate to ask but dared not . There was a look on his face which threatened the desperation of either tears or rage and she feared both . When he did speak his lips jerked at either corner , as if the muscles , held tight , were trying to keep the words in order . She had been a beautiful little girl , he said , born two years after him , with the face of an angel . Everyone had loved her , especially he and his father and they could deny her nothing . It was her father who had given in to her pestering and let her ride the pony when she was four , and it was on that first ride , when she demanded that she let him hold the reins herself , just for a moment , that the pony took fright at a snake and threw her to the ground . Father had been right by her side , holding out his hand to taGloria was thrown onto the ground and , hitting her head on a rock had lain unconscious for a week . He would never forget the sight of her body , so broken and still , with the bright stream of blood mingling with her delicate , cream curls . When at last she opened her eyes they had all wept with joy but he had seen , before anyone , that Gloria was gone . What was left was a shell , a body constructed of something more like plastic than flesh , which drew no direction from a crippled brain . Gloria had become like one of her many dolls , although they kept their pretty faces and hers stretched and coarsened over the years as her body grew fat and her muscles wasted through lack of use . She never walked again , or spoke and while she was cared for at home until she was ten , it was always known that one day Gloria would go to the nuns . They sent her away while he was at boarding school and by the time he came home for the holidays there was no trace of her . It was as if she had never been . Her bed was gone , and all of her toys , and while there were some photographs of the family where she was pictured before the accident , there was no other evidence that his favourite girl had ever existed . When she did visit , and it was not often , his mother would always make sure the other children were not at home . He never saw her again , he said , until then . Pandora had cried at hearing this story , and even now , in the remembering , the tears gathered at the corners of her eyes . It was the saddest story she had ever heard and remained so if only for the pain which was twisted around it , her father 's pain . Her father had asked her that day not to blame her grandmother , that she did only what she thought was right , but it was not her grandmother that Pandora blamed for the suffering but Gloria ; the finger pointed firmly at her dribbling , soft - bellied aunt . It was one of the reasons that she really did not like coming across the crippled woman . Some things are best forgotten . At the same time she found a fascination with her and there was aIt wasn 't that he didn 't talk , it was just that he didn 't seem to do it much with his family . At work he talked all the time but then that was what barbers were meant to do . Sometimes , listening to him talk , she would feel that this man who was her father was also someone else . She liked him more , this other person who was her father , but who was not being her father but rather , another part of himself which seemed more at ease , even humorous at times . His face looked different , more composed if anything , and the voice changed too , losing its hard edge and flowing around words , pushing them forward with a gentle touch rather than marshalling them to attention . Pandora never heard him talk about the war though . She heard other people talk about him and the war , talk about how much it had changed him and she was curious to hear from his own mouth what it was like but she could not form the right question to ask , and knew , even if she did , that she would not have the courage to ask it . It was as if he had within himself a steel box which held all of those stories which could never be told , something which he could not allow to be opened by anyone , not even himself . He used to listen to other men talk about the war though , nodding his head in agreement , but adding nothing , only the slight jerking of a muscle at the side of his mouth . There were one or two men who talked about the war all the time but they hadn 't been in the trenches , they hadn 't been where he had been . Their stories were safe to tell . My mother cared more about Alfred than she did me and later she cared more about Michael . When I think about it , now that it 's too late , they were really a lot alike . It would have been easier if I 'd married someone like my father , but then I would have had to deal with the drink . Not that any of it matters now . It 's all too long ago and even Michael is dead . I still hate him though . No matter what my mother said , it 's not a matter of allowing yourself to hate , such things come easily . I might be old and he might be dead , but the hatred is still young . . young and vigorous . It feeds on rage , hatred does , and rage , if it doesn 't destroy you , can be the source of life . I might have been different if I 'd married another sort of man but wishing doesn 't change things and tinkering with probabilities is only a distraction . I have wondered though , if I had married someone other than Michael , if perhaps the hatred would not have stayed with me . But it 's served me well and I can 't imagine who I might have been without it . My mother believed that I had sold my soul to the devil , entered into a pact as she put it . Well , I can 't say that it was ever anything definite but who knows . I 'm the only one still alive and they say that only the good die young . Not that they were good , I won 't have that , and it was not that they died so terribly young , just that they were not as old as I am now . It 's strange being old . You don 't feel any different inside , you just look different and that 's something I never quite get used to . I 've had all the mirrors taken out of the house because it was just such a shock each morning and since I don 't wear makeup anymore there 's really no need for a mirror . You don 't have to look at your face to wash it and with my hair pulled back in a bun , well , it 's the easiest of things and I 've been doing it so long I could pin it up with my eyes closed anyway . It 's my hands though , I try not to look at my hands because they seem ancient , much , much older than the rest of me and sometimes , when I do look at them , I get the feeling that they 're not mine , that they really belong to someone else . It 's a strange feeling and I don 't like it but it seems to happen more the older I get , as if whoever I am inside this body has less and less to do with the body that I can see . It 's easy to become bitter when you get old . My mother did , although I have to remind myself that I can 't remember her any other way . I 've tried hard not to be bitter , but I think I am . . . it creeps out , watches me , laughs in that nasty dry way at my best intentions . Yes , I do have good intentions , lots of them , it 's just that they seem to get lost along the way , bogged down in something thick and murky which won 't let them through , no matter how much I try . Not that I 've done such a bad job of getting old . I 've enjoyed it more than I thought I would . I think the most important thing about getting old is accepting what you 've got . Oh , I know a lot of people would say , if they were still alive , that I 've never been very accepting or contented with my lot but then none of them really knew me . I 've made the best of a lot of things in my life and if other people couldn 't see , it was only because I didn 't make a fuss about it . Granny used to say the less other people knew about you the better and that 's the way I 've done it . She used to say that the more you tell about yourself the morWe 're all pretty ordinary when you come down to it . We start out thinking we 're special but life soon knocks that arrogant little illusion into shape . I used to think I was special . I used to think I was a lot of things . Funny how we change our minds without knowing we are doing it . Perhaps that 's what getting old is about , discovering that most of the things which you thought were important don 't really matter so much after all . It 's the memories which stay with you , and the feelings . . . the strong ones anyway , like love and hate . I 'm all alone now . They 're all gone , all dead . . . well , not all , my daughters are still alive but I haven 't seen them in years . It wasn 't that we fought or anything , no , nothing specific like that , it was just that they stopped coming to see me . Not that the visits had been frequent since they left home , but they were regular , birthdays , Mother 's Day , Christmas , that sort of thing and then , one year , neither of them came . It was the second year after Christopher 's death that the visits stopped . Perhaps that was why I didn 't really notice , why it took me three years more to realise that I hadn 't seen the girls for more than four years and by then it was too late . They didn 't like the way I talked about their father and I told them I had every right to talk about him in any way that I wanted . He might be their father , but he had been my husband and he had wronged me , and wronged them too . Oh yes , he had wronged all of us but by then they had stopped believing what I said about him . They said my hatred was poisoning them , poisoning us all and that it was time I gave up my anger . I told them that I had every right to be angry , that I knew what I was angry about and that hating their father was my business , not theirs . I tried to explain to them again what he was really like but they 'd stopped hearing . It was all true of course , everything I told them , just as true as when I had first said it , but for some reason they decided they wanted to see him and things were never the same after thaThey shouldn 't have gone to see Michael though . God only knows what he told them . It would all have been lies , but they couldn 't tell the difference between his lies and my truth . He had no right to see them anyway since he was the one who walked out on us all . He kept saying to me afterwards that he didn 't understand why I was so upset since I hated him and didn 't want him around anyway , but that wasn 't the point . It wasn 't what he did , it was the way he did it . Michael never understood the how of things , never understood that it wasn 't so much what you did but how you did it . They betrayed me by going to see their father . Zoe would have known that ; she always knew what she was doing . I can 't believe she wouldn 't know how it would hurt me . That was why she wrote to tell me about the visit . She didn 't have to do that ; it was only to done to inflict pain . I should have known they couldn 't be trusted . They weren 't like me , the girls , they were more like Michael and my mother - - they both had a lot of my mother in them . That 's the hardest thing of all about having children , you never know which bits of either side you 're going to get . They have their own natures , I 'm not denying that , but there 's so much that comes down in the blood . My grandmother used to say that it was all in the blood , all the important things which people inherited and that 's why you had to look closely at the family of whoever you married , all of them , because you 'd see signs of what was inside them and that was what your children would get , the hidden things , the unexpected inheritances . I didn 't understand what she was going on about when I was younger but I know now , perfectly well . . . I 've seen it all . The strange thing about it was that she liked Michael . She only met him once , when he was a young boy , because she knew the family , but I remember her saying what a nice boy he was . He was much too young then for me to care about but I always listened to what my grandmother said and I 've wondered since if she was the reason I married Michael . It was later , when I could clearly see the truth of him that I didn 't understand why she hadn 't seen it either , hadn 't seen the man inside the boy , because you always can see who the child will be and she was good at that , good at picking people , lifting up the facade and seeing who was really inside . Even my mother used to say that granny had a ' nose for people , ' that she could see who you really were just by looking at you . She could do that with me , knew me inside out , and it was the strangest feeling to be so easily revealed and more than a little frightening . My mother was scared of her and I think that 's why ; she could hide nothing . It was second sight alright , the devil 's gift and for a long time I hoped that I would have it too , that it would be passed on to me , but I can 't say it happened , although sometimes I wondered about Christopher . You can see more as you get older , see yourself and other people more clearly . It 's as if you have reached the end of a long road and can look back and see more clearly the twists and turns . Age gives you perspective , arranges people on the page so you can see the similarities more clearly . If I 'd known more about Michael when I married him , and more about his family I would never have done it . The genes on his side were not good and my mother 's family didn 't make it any better . Now that 's the real Pandora 's box when I come to think about it , genetics , who gets what from which side of the family and from how far back . That 's what having children does , opens the box of genes and you 've no idea what you 're going to get . It 's all in there , just waiting for a chance to escape and you can only hope and pray that it won 't be havoc which is unleashed on the world . I think Zoe would come into the havoc category but Blanche , well , Blanche is just Blanche . She had my aunt 's eyes , the one who couldn 't walk or talk . My father adored her and I was the only one who knew why . It was a bad sign though , I knew even then it was a bad sign . Christopher was different , he took after my father 's side of the family completely . Not that it was all good , they had a weakness with the drink that family and I had seen enough of it in my father to hope that Christopher would escape it . He did , and I was grateful for that , although to be honest I suppose I would have to say it just came out in another way . He drew the same lot at the end of the day , it was just that it dressed in different clothes . |
I am daughter , although my parents have passed , a wife , mother and grandmother , and now another woman battling breast cancer . These are a few thoughts about my life and life in general . Some may be humorous , some serious - just like life . Come join me ! Well , we are safely back from the SSB . The weather was beautiful even though it did begin to heat up - a lot ! We were surprised to find four " feral " cows on our place however . It seems we have a fence problem back on the east side where the land pluments into a huge , deep valley . We did find who is leasing the property for grazing - and the owner of the cattle . From there we found the number of the land owner who is , as is usual in that country , a distant cousin . I think he 's only remotely related to G , but I haven 't finished my dad 's genology yet . He may be a distant cousin of mine as well , but through a different path . I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon yesterday . I 'm so glad they left a message on the machine because I thought it was Thursday . Anyway , we are still at a decision point about the reconstruction of the nipple . It 's a little tempting because it will take 15 - 30 minutes , done under a local . But he still wants to do it in the operating room both because of sterility and SHOULD there be a complication like bleeding . I am still mulling it around . When I arrived at the parking lot , there was an older couple who had pulled up before me . I guess I should explain that I use the valet parking . Being right at the door is such a big plus for me . At this facility , it is free , so that makes it even better . Back to that couple . They were driving a fairly new Cadillac . When the man got out , I could see that he was dressed in a nice looking sport coat , tie and sharp slacks . He looked very dapper . One of the other attendants opened the door for the lady . She looked beautiful . She had on a lovely printed full skirt , blouse and jacket . Her hair was done meticulously . She walked with a cane , and he was very attentive . I lost track of them because they got the elevator before I got it . My doctor was running late - about an hour , so it was a good hour and half before I was back at the parking lot . They were there . When their car arrived , he opened the door for her and helped with her seat belt , making sure the sPosted by On October 1 , Dr Susan Love , in conjunction with Avon , began her campaign against breast cancer with Army of Women . She is looking for a huge group of women who could be considered for certain research opportunities to stop this killer . She is trying to formulate a ery large , diverse group for sampling . As a scientist , I know how important it is to have a large diverse group from which to choose for research . On October 28 , she will appear on Good Morning America to announce the first " Call to Action . " She makes it clear that they will be looking for only certain qualities for this one and not everyone will qualify . This is going to be true of all of the projects . I am asking you to please consider signing up with this army ! If you want more information please go to www . armyofwomen . org / armyfaq . I really think it will answer any of your questions . I feel there is no risk to you and the rewards are great for our daughters , granddaughters , and even sons and grandsons as they too are at risk . I also added the pledge form . Consider signing the pledge to help keep research going . We really have come so far . If I had been diagnosed many years ago , I would have been given a certain death sentence . As it is , even though I can 't know the future , I feel I have a real chance to live my life . In my search for things to put on my body to make it better , yesterday meant I traveled to the shoe store . Their claim to fame is that if you are having foot , knee , or back problems they have the fix . Well , OK ! I was already sold . K and I were going to go together this past weekend , but she has had a contractor rebuilding ( from the studs ) her kitchen . Silly thing , since he had finished she wanted to put it all back together . Humph ! Dong that over her mother . Anyway , I decided yesterday was the day for me to hit that shoe store . K was a little disappointed I think , but I needed help . My shopping on Monday had left me really sore and hurting . I had to find something that would help . I walked into the store . They had two clerks actively working and a woman at the register . I walked to the woman at the register and explained that I had arthritis in my spine , knees , ankles and feet . She promised they had just the thing , and one of the clerks would be right with me . Sure enough , the lady called me over to a chair . She could find me shoes as well as working with the other woman who was already there . And that 's just what she did ! She measured my feet . My right is right about a 9 1 / 2 - really closer to a 10 . Then she measured my left . It was a 9 . I immediately thought of my time at the bra place . Great ! One breast clearly at least one cup size smaller than the right - and now my left foot clearly one size smaller than the right ! I could not believe it . I am completely lopsided I guess ! The good thing is that the clerk brought me about 6 pairs of shoes . They all felt great . I bought one pair . The bad news is that my feet feel the best in one type that is made in Germany . They are the most expensive . As she put it , I have Cadillac feet . After my experience at the bra shop , I could really only allow myself to buy one pair of shoes . They are the first that I actually want to wear . Usually I go without shoes as much as possible . These are ones that feel so good , I want them on my feet . But due to their sticker shock , I only have thPosted by My mother in law may finally be coming to the realization that she shouldn 't be living in the Alamo City . G 's brother called last night with the news that she will be visiting the Capitol City at the end of the week with finding a facility there in mind . Her first complaint is that no one comes to see her at her independent living place . Well , she is basically correct . I still could shake the liver out of her for putting a terrible guilt trip on my son about not coming to see her . He NEVER goes to the Alamo City ! He often works overtime on weekends that he and his band don 't have gigs . It would be the trip and a stay in a motel . All that adds up . G and I don 't go . For one thing when we go to the SSB , it is out of the way . Also she lives on the fourth floor . They don 't allow dogs up there . Simone can 't wait in the truck . When we DO come by , no one talks . There is nothing to say . Another problem is that G still harbors great resentment about his mother . She made it clear , and still does , that he is not the chosen child . She has always preferred G 's brother and family to G and us . She was abusive to G when he was a child . She would bend over backward for the brother 's family . She even admitted it to my daughter in a weak moment . K is far more attentive to her than her cousin ( who is three months older ) . At Christmas , it wasn 't what my kids wanted - it was what the cousins wanted that was given . It seems that Saturday night she was taken to the hospital . It was rather late when brother got the call . It was too late to get down there . I think she has realized that if she wants the comfort of someone around , she better move . Sister in law tried to tell her that at the reunion . SIL said HER mother was thinking of moving to be closer , but MIL laughed it off . She ignored the tone of SIL 's voice when she remarked how much easier it would be to take care of her . I guess it 's sad . She has realized she is not the Queen Bee that she thought she was . No one is really going out of their way for her - with the exception of the chosen Posted by Never , in my 63 years , have I ever been fitted for a bra . But with my new plastic body , I figured I would never be able to find the correct sized bra . I think I was right . I ventured out this morning to the bra shop . I knew that their merchandise would be pricey . K had been there a while ago , and walked out with $ 200 + of bras . I didn 't think I would let that happen . Guess what . It did ! I went in and explained that I had a mastectomy and reconstruction . The clerk said ok . We went to a dressing room where she measured me . I was a little shocked . The band measurement was 6 inches more than when I was measured for the mastectomy bra that held the prosthesis . But then I did go tbrough chemo and my body held on to all those calories that I was hoping it wouldn 't . I enter chemo thinking it would be a good thing for my weight . Boy was I wrong . Anyway . The first bra she brought was an " E " cup . My poor little breasts were swallowed up completely . I 'm not sure that my previous breasts would have filled that cup , but they probably would have . The real work began then . We kept trying different bras . The band would fit but not the cup or the cup would fit but not the band . Or one cup was fine and the other was way too large . That is part of the problem . When Dr Plastic did the reduction , he got a little carried away . The left is much smaller than the right with the implant . His solution was to take some of the silicon out . I vetoed that right away . I know they are better now , but I don 't want to take a chance on the silicon leaking . After an hour , I scored three bras . Of two different sizes . Using band extenders . You see , now I have small boobs and a broad back . If it fits the back , it won 't fit the boobs . But it looks good . I was absolutely amazed how good the sisters look . That should be motivation to stay on my diet now . I surely need something . Finally today I got to keep the appointment with Dr Poison . Last night I was wondering however because the rains have come to Swampland . Flooding , heavy rains . But we DO need them . Really . But I was thinking this would be canceled appointment number three . The first that had to be canceled was the Tuesday after Ike visited our area . I couldn 't even call to cancel because their phones were down . The second was the fiasco of them not seeing patients out here , and then I was afraid of being flooded in today . It was really rather pointless . He told me that the bone scan showed the take up of the isotope was in the knees , feet , ankles , and spine . Bone cancer takes up the isotope in the middle of the bone . Diagnosis - arthritis . Wow ! ! Could have fooled me ! ! His next announcement was that I should be exercising to prevent the return of the cancer . It is effective to prevent colon and breast cancer recurrences . Sure . I was on the recumbent bike for one minute this morning , but my knees hurt so badly I couldn 't stand more than that . Then he wrote the order for my mammogram in January . I don 't see him again until March . It was such an exciting morning . Now I guess I better go call Dr Plastic Surgeon , since I canceled that appointment for last Tuesday . I also am going to try another orthopedist . This time I 'm calling another physician in the practice . If " Mike " for the first doctor is so busy that I always get voice mail , then I can see that succeeding appointments would also be a problem . Exercise people ! The appliance guy came on Friday before we left for the SSB and the reunion . I thought all was great . I got the trip to the grocery store in , the appliance guy , everything packed and the cars all sorted out to leave before 11 . I knew Simone 's bedding , that caused the entire thing , had not been rinsed well . I went in to put the washer on rinse and turned away to do some other things . I went back into the utility room to pick up the laundry basket that had been put in front of the door . It was WET ! ! I really didn 't think that much about it at that moment . It wasn 't until I looked again and realized that I had an inch of water on my floor that was running out of the door that I really got into action . My utility room was underwater . I turned off the washer and then went to spin to get the water out . I swept the water out , and when I was outside I realized that the water had run under the wall between the floor plate and the foundation . I called the appliance guy . He apparently knew what was wrong . I think he has to hook something up again . He said he would be here this afternoon . Haven 't heard from him , yet . Guess I 'll call . I really have my doubts about this guy . When I needed him before , he never returned the call . He said he knows our hunter who is a repair guy in Sweetland . A said he didn 't know T was in the repair business . He knew him from parts sales . Hmmm . Is this a sign ? Busy , busy , busy weekend . We went to the family reunion in the Alamo City even though we stayed at the SSB which is two hours away . For seven of us and a dog , it was a lot less expensive - even with time . G 's mother tried to put me on a guilt trip - once again . She was going on and on about how my sikser - in - law had done " sooooo much " for her where as we haven 't been to her independent living apartment twice since January . M was telling us that HER mother is planning a move to the Capitol City and she tried to get MIL to say she would do the same . She talked about how much easier if will and would be if they were both there . It went right over MIL 's head . She would rather they travel from the Capitol City to the Alamo City at her whim . What I did with my dad and step mom was hard , but I think that is exactly what needs to be done with MIL . I know she is in a " protected " environment where Dad wasn 't , but noone should be expected to make trips to check on family like has to be done . Other than that the reunion was fun . The rest of the weekend was a little nerve wracking . Monkey Boy needs a good butt warming . He has been allowed to get what he wants by crying for his entire life . Whenever things don 't go his way , he whines . If dinner isn 't chicken nuggets and fries with catsup , he cries . If he is told to do something that he doesn 't like - he cries . It was a weekend of his noise . Mom and Dad ( more Mom ) are realizing just what they have created , but it is still annoying . Doodle Bug is a red haired wonder ! She has the temper to match that hair . She can be so happy one moment , and she is really ticked off the next . She does love Simone however . I wish I had my camera out when they shared their kisses . When Simone would get up in the mornings , Doodle Bug was at her happiest . Lady Bug was her usual good self with the exception of thinking she could get her own glass yesterday out of the cabinent . We are minus one glass . I just hope she asks for help from now on . I really had to laugh when her dad said she should be using plPosted by As we live our day to day lives , everything we plan , down to the most simple things , can be instantly changed . I had the day mapped out in my head . Guess what - it all changed ! As a way of explaining part of what was going on today , I must tell you that we are having a terrible time with fleas and Simone . I keep treating her and the house , and G still gets bitten . I really think HE is the vector bringing them into the house . He is outside more than she is ! When I picked up her prescription dog food at the vet 's office Saturday , I told them I was having a terrible time . They said there is a pill out that will make all the fleas leave her within 30 minutes . Well , OK . So I bought 2 of the little gems ( $ 4 . 40 each ) . Since Saturday was hot , and we wouldn 't be home when it was cool on Sunday , we decided that Monday was the day to give her pill number 1 . She tolerated it well , but since it was going to rain on Tuesday I would wait until Wednesday for the second pill . That was also tolerated well , and I decided today would be the day for a bath ( at the vet ) and the application of Frontline which up to now has not been effective at all . I got her up early , had her go outside and fed her . Then I loaded her into the truck , and we were off . Now she thought she was going to her slaughter . She planted her feet most of the way to the back at the office , but they picked her up ( all 65 pounds ! ) , and all was well . I returned home , and set about washing her bedding . I was fiddling around with something when the washer made a horrible noise . The bedding had gotten out of balance . I thought it wouldn 't be much of a problem . It happens all the time with a large load . I opened the lid and shifted everything around . I lowered the lid with the expectation of the spin beginning once again . Silence . I moved things around again . Moved the dial a little . Lowered the lid again . Silence . So I called the Maytag repairman - probably woke him . He came out about an hour later . He poked about for a while , removing the panels from the machine . Then he pronoPosted by G is a devoted reader of the obits . When the paper is brought in , he settles down with that section and reads every last obit in the paper . Let me tell you , there are a lot of obits in the local Swampland paper . I glance at them on occasion . Each time I read them I get really depressed . Perhaps it is because , not unlike anyone else , I simply don 't know what my future holds for me . None of us are promised a set number of days , but I think mine are seriously diminished by the cancer . I cannot be sure it is really gone . On another cheery note , I finally called the orthopedist yesterday . I got his " scheduling person " Mike . I had to leave a message . I could not believe that ! I had to leave a message to make an appointment . Here it is , the next day at 10 : 06 and no return yet . I wish I could have had a job like that . Apparently he comes to work at 10am ( or later ) and gets off at 4 . Wow ! What a deal . I also got a call from Dr Poison 's office . They asked if I would come to the office across town . I said no I could not . You would have thought I was signing my death certificate on the spot . I wouldn 't be willing to drive an additional 20 miles for an appointment that isn 't all that important anyway . So we rescheduled for next Thursday . My , my . These doctors ! I 'm finding that I don 't want to go any where . I don 't want to shop . I don 't want to go out to eat . I don 't want to see anyone unless they are here in my house . I 'm not just antisocial . My knees and feet hurt so much that I can 't stand the thought of walking around . Just going to the mailbox at the curb is a major trip . G keeps asking me " so - when 's that appointment ? " He is talking about me making one with an orthopedist . I have to do it . I just hate to add yet another physician to my stable of doctors ! I see Dr Poison later today . I 'm curious about the real results of the bone scan . I was supposed to see him several weeks ago , but Ike blew in and changed all our lives around here . I had called the office . The nurse said there were signs of arthritis . I wonder if the good doctor will go ahead and order an MRI . I sincerely hope not . I really don 't want to do that . The thought of being in that tube scares the liver out of me . I guess I should serve some cheese with this whine . We 'll see what happens this afternoon . I 've got the recumbent bike working ( I think ) , so I believe I 'll see if that will help anything . Later ! I really try to not critisize how my daughter and son in law are raising their children . I KNOW it is not appreciated . I don 't think I would have liked it one bit either . With that said , I did exactly that last night . It was Sunday night dinner with the family . I was already not feeling well . I decided to serve frozen lasagna with salad , bread and a bought Halloween cake . Simple . Monkey Boy is a picky eater , and he is encouraged to be just that . For lunch after church when we went out his was macaroni and cheese with fries as the side dish . That was washed down with lemonaid . Carb city . I know he does eat spaghetti and other noodles , so I expected him to eat last night . When he SAW the lasagna , he immediately began crying and chanting no - no - no . This boy is four ! \ My son was really irritated by this . Now they won 't have their baby until almost March , and he is hopefully making his words nice and soft , but his feeling is that his kid won 't act that way . I hope so for his and the child 's sake . I was irritated also . I could see no reason for this act except for the fact that he thinks he doesn 't have to eat when he is here . I felt the behavior was uncalled for . When time for dessert came , at least his parents didn 't give in . He sat on the floor by his older sister and just bawled . They remained unmoved . I was proud . Then he came and sat on the sofa between me and his dad . His dad then asked if he wanted a sandwich when they got home . I just about had a cow . I said nothing at the time . His dad was then ready to go - right then . K was watching the program on TV . On the way out , I told her about the sandwich thing . She didn 't believe me at first , and I assured her that the sandwich deal was going to happen . She became defensive and said that it was nutrition . That wasn 't my point . I don 't like sending kids to bed without dinner , but come on . They wonder why is will behave for his teachers but not for them . This is the reason . They don 't make him behave . I hate to see this happen to him . They had a big birthday party for him Posted by Right now I 'm trying to decide if I REALLY want to go to the Alamo City to attend my 45th ( gasp ) high school reunion . I just don 't know if I really want to spend the time and money . High school was a great time for me . My high school was a gorgeous campus . We really were treated like we were more in college than high school . I was in the " pep squad " and had a great time with the other girls and the band when we practiced for half times together . I loved most of my teachers . I know it 's impossible to love all of them - just as I know that not all of my students loved or even liked me . That 's life . We have lived in the Swampland area for about 38 years . I haven 't seen any of these people in that time . I haven 't had any communication with any of my friends save one in all that time . When we went to the last reunion , none of my friends were there . I really was rather bored . It seems that mostly it is the males who keep up with high school buddies . That 's the way it looks from what I see from the high school site . That 's the way it seems with my daughter and son 's classes too . She doesn 't see those people and doesn 't care to attend a reunion . My son is still best buddies with his classmates . I have to make up my mind soon . I am so torn . Posted by I kind of feel like the Little Red Hen or the Little Engine that could or perhaps a cross between the two ( what a terrible run on sentence ) . Just exactly who I modeled most after depends on the time . I felt like the Little Red Hen when I decided that since no one helped me move my HEAVY sewing / embroidery machine downstairs so I could go the the machine brand club meeting , I would just do it myself . I planned it all out last night . I would go up to put the materials and sewing supplies that I needed into the sewing machine carrier last night . Then today , I would go up to get first the machine and ease it down step by step . I would then get the carrier last . When they were both downstairs , I would put the machine into the carrier and I would be set . There was some consideration to taking the smaller plain sewing machine , but my ego got in the way . This club is made up of those who have these fancy , dancy machines . I didn 't want to be the one there with the older ( much ) little machine . Pride ! ! It causes some terrible things . I went up last night and loaded ( most ) of the supplies I needed . Since I had the time for the club meeting wrong , I was able to go to the nearby fabric store to get what I had forgotten . I had to laugh at the others who showed up without some important items . I thought I was scattered at these meetings . I 'm better than the first one ( two months ago ) when I showed up with NOTHING I needed as far as supplies . They thought I was some sort of alien . Well , there were three new people this time . I guess the club is getting their act together because they were warmly welcomed . This morning I went to get the machine . I doubt I should be picking it up right now . I am still on restricted activities for now . But I gingerly removed it from the cabinet . I got to the stairs , and that 's where the Little Engine came in . My stairs are steep ! ! We enclosed our attic about 20 years ago , and it became our kid 's bedrooms , a bath and sitting area . Due to that - our stairs are steep and the treads are narrow . I " screwed mPosted by Three years ago when Simone first came into my house , I knew she certainly wasn 't a guard dog . She was and is rather timid , and that 's great . I really don 't worry about her with the grandkids . In fact , she and Doodle Bug are such great friends that we call DB Simone 's puppy . DB giggles when Simone licks her and hugs her . Simone does not like loud noises however . During a thunderstorm , she will be right beside me . She just doesn 't like them at all . Recently Simone will growl if she see someone walking by on the sidewalk . I don 't know what that is all about . I guess she feels she needs to contribute something to the workings of the household . If someone knocks on the door or rings the door bell she will now bark and want to see who 's there . I really think she wants to greet whoever is visiting . She feels that is her role in the family . Today she is stuck to my side . My neighbors are replacing their driveway . There is a poor man out there with a sledge hammer trying to break up the sections of concrete . This first section apparently really didn 't need replacing because he is having a heck of a time breaking it . When he finally gets some of it broken , they use a front end loader to put the pieces into a dump truck . That banging is really loud and feels like it shakes our house . Simone is not at all sure what is going on over there , but she knows she wants no part of it . Each time I open the door for her to go out , a bang comes from over there and she is back in the house - glued to my side . I 'm glad , for her sake , that I had planned to be at home today . I 'm not sure what her mental state would be when I got home . I was a woman who dreaded the thought of getting older and becoming a grandmother . Now being a grandmother is one of my greatest joys . Time changes us all . Hopefully for the better . Retirement is the greatest thing in the world - I wish I could have done it at 23 . |
I am daughter , although my parents have passed , a wife , mother and grandmother , and now another woman battling breast cancer . These are a few thoughts about my life and life in general . Some may be humorous , some serious - just like life . Come join me ! Well , we are safely back from the SSB . The weather was beautiful even though it did begin to heat up - a lot ! We were surprised to find four " feral " cows on our place however . It seems we have a fence problem back on the east side where the land pluments into a huge , deep valley . We did find who is leasing the property for grazing - and the owner of the cattle . From there we found the number of the land owner who is , as is usual in that country , a distant cousin . I think he 's only remotely related to G , but I haven 't finished my dad 's genology yet . He may be a distant cousin of mine as well , but through a different path . I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon yesterday . I 'm so glad they left a message on the machine because I thought it was Thursday . Anyway , we are still at a decision point about the reconstruction of the nipple . It 's a little tempting because it will take 15 - 30 minutes , done under a local . But he still wants to do it in the operating room both because of sterility and SHOULD there be a complication like bleeding . I am still mulling it around . When I arrived at the parking lot , there was an older couple who had pulled up before me . I guess I should explain that I use the valet parking . Being right at the door is such a big plus for me . At this facility , it is free , so that makes it even better . Back to that couple . They were driving a fairly new Cadillac . When the man got out , I could see that he was dressed in a nice looking sport coat , tie and sharp slacks . He looked very dapper . One of the other attendants opened the door for the lady . She looked beautiful . She had on a lovely printed full skirt , blouse and jacket . Her hair was done meticulously . She walked with a cane , and he was very attentive . I lost track of them because they got the elevator before I got it . My doctor was running late - about an hour , so it was a good hour and half before I was back at the parking lot . They were there . When their car arrived , he opened the door for her and helped with her seat belt , making sure the sPosted by On October 1 , Dr Susan Love , in conjunction with Avon , began her campaign against breast cancer with Army of Women . She is looking for a huge group of women who could be considered for certain research opportunities to stop this killer . She is trying to formulate a ery large , diverse group for sampling . As a scientist , I know how important it is to have a large diverse group from which to choose for research . On October 28 , she will appear on Good Morning America to announce the first " Call to Action . " She makes it clear that they will be looking for only certain qualities for this one and not everyone will qualify . This is going to be true of all of the projects . I am asking you to please consider signing up with this army ! If you want more information please go to www . armyofwomen . org / armyfaq . I really think it will answer any of your questions . I feel there is no risk to you and the rewards are great for our daughters , granddaughters , and even sons and grandsons as they too are at risk . I also added the pledge form . Consider signing the pledge to help keep research going . We really have come so far . If I had been diagnosed many years ago , I would have been given a certain death sentence . As it is , even though I can 't know the future , I feel I have a real chance to live my life . In my search for things to put on my body to make it better , yesterday meant I traveled to the shoe store . Their claim to fame is that if you are having foot , knee , or back problems they have the fix . Well , OK ! I was already sold . K and I were going to go together this past weekend , but she has had a contractor rebuilding ( from the studs ) her kitchen . Silly thing , since he had finished she wanted to put it all back together . Humph ! Dong that over her mother . Anyway , I decided yesterday was the day for me to hit that shoe store . K was a little disappointed I think , but I needed help . My shopping on Monday had left me really sore and hurting . I had to find something that would help . I walked into the store . They had two clerks actively working and a woman at the register . I walked to the woman at the register and explained that I had arthritis in my spine , knees , ankles and feet . She promised they had just the thing , and one of the clerks would be right with me . Sure enough , the lady called me over to a chair . She could find me shoes as well as working with the other woman who was already there . And that 's just what she did ! She measured my feet . My right is right about a 9 1 / 2 - really closer to a 10 . Then she measured my left . It was a 9 . I immediately thought of my time at the bra place . Great ! One breast clearly at least one cup size smaller than the right - and now my left foot clearly one size smaller than the right ! I could not believe it . I am completely lopsided I guess ! The good thing is that the clerk brought me about 6 pairs of shoes . They all felt great . I bought one pair . The bad news is that my feet feel the best in one type that is made in Germany . They are the most expensive . As she put it , I have Cadillac feet . After my experience at the bra shop , I could really only allow myself to buy one pair of shoes . They are the first that I actually want to wear . Usually I go without shoes as much as possible . These are ones that feel so good , I want them on my feet . But due to their sticker shock , I only have thPosted by My mother in law may finally be coming to the realization that she shouldn 't be living in the Alamo City . G 's brother called last night with the news that she will be visiting the Capitol City at the end of the week with finding a facility there in mind . Her first complaint is that no one comes to see her at her independent living place . Well , she is basically correct . I still could shake the liver out of her for putting a terrible guilt trip on my son about not coming to see her . He NEVER goes to the Alamo City ! He often works overtime on weekends that he and his band don 't have gigs . It would be the trip and a stay in a motel . All that adds up . G and I don 't go . For one thing when we go to the SSB , it is out of the way . Also she lives on the fourth floor . They don 't allow dogs up there . Simone can 't wait in the truck . When we DO come by , no one talks . There is nothing to say . Another problem is that G still harbors great resentment about his mother . She made it clear , and still does , that he is not the chosen child . She has always preferred G 's brother and family to G and us . She was abusive to G when he was a child . She would bend over backward for the brother 's family . She even admitted it to my daughter in a weak moment . K is far more attentive to her than her cousin ( who is three months older ) . At Christmas , it wasn 't what my kids wanted - it was what the cousins wanted that was given . It seems that Saturday night she was taken to the hospital . It was rather late when brother got the call . It was too late to get down there . I think she has realized that if she wants the comfort of someone around , she better move . Sister in law tried to tell her that at the reunion . SIL said HER mother was thinking of moving to be closer , but MIL laughed it off . She ignored the tone of SIL 's voice when she remarked how much easier it would be to take care of her . I guess it 's sad . She has realized she is not the Queen Bee that she thought she was . No one is really going out of their way for her - with the exception of the chosen Posted by Never , in my 63 years , have I ever been fitted for a bra . But with my new plastic body , I figured I would never be able to find the correct sized bra . I think I was right . I ventured out this morning to the bra shop . I knew that their merchandise would be pricey . K had been there a while ago , and walked out with $ 200 + of bras . I didn 't think I would let that happen . Guess what . It did ! I went in and explained that I had a mastectomy and reconstruction . The clerk said ok . We went to a dressing room where she measured me . I was a little shocked . The band measurement was 6 inches more than when I was measured for the mastectomy bra that held the prosthesis . But then I did go tbrough chemo and my body held on to all those calories that I was hoping it wouldn 't . I enter chemo thinking it would be a good thing for my weight . Boy was I wrong . Anyway . The first bra she brought was an " E " cup . My poor little breasts were swallowed up completely . I 'm not sure that my previous breasts would have filled that cup , but they probably would have . The real work began then . We kept trying different bras . The band would fit but not the cup or the cup would fit but not the band . Or one cup was fine and the other was way too large . That is part of the problem . When Dr Plastic did the reduction , he got a little carried away . The left is much smaller than the right with the implant . His solution was to take some of the silicon out . I vetoed that right away . I know they are better now , but I don 't want to take a chance on the silicon leaking . After an hour , I scored three bras . Of two different sizes . Using band extenders . You see , now I have small boobs and a broad back . If it fits the back , it won 't fit the boobs . But it looks good . I was absolutely amazed how good the sisters look . That should be motivation to stay on my diet now . I surely need something . Finally today I got to keep the appointment with Dr Poison . Last night I was wondering however because the rains have come to Swampland . Flooding , heavy rains . But we DO need them . Really . But I was thinking this would be canceled appointment number three . The first that had to be canceled was the Tuesday after Ike visited our area . I couldn 't even call to cancel because their phones were down . The second was the fiasco of them not seeing patients out here , and then I was afraid of being flooded in today . It was really rather pointless . He told me that the bone scan showed the take up of the isotope was in the knees , feet , ankles , and spine . Bone cancer takes up the isotope in the middle of the bone . Diagnosis - arthritis . Wow ! ! Could have fooled me ! ! His next announcement was that I should be exercising to prevent the return of the cancer . It is effective to prevent colon and breast cancer recurrences . Sure . I was on the recumbent bike for one minute this morning , but my knees hurt so badly I couldn 't stand more than that . Then he wrote the order for my mammogram in January . I don 't see him again until March . It was such an exciting morning . Now I guess I better go call Dr Plastic Surgeon , since I canceled that appointment for last Tuesday . I also am going to try another orthopedist . This time I 'm calling another physician in the practice . If " Mike " for the first doctor is so busy that I always get voice mail , then I can see that succeeding appointments would also be a problem . Exercise people ! The appliance guy came on Friday before we left for the SSB and the reunion . I thought all was great . I got the trip to the grocery store in , the appliance guy , everything packed and the cars all sorted out to leave before 11 . I knew Simone 's bedding , that caused the entire thing , had not been rinsed well . I went in to put the washer on rinse and turned away to do some other things . I went back into the utility room to pick up the laundry basket that had been put in front of the door . It was WET ! ! I really didn 't think that much about it at that moment . It wasn 't until I looked again and realized that I had an inch of water on my floor that was running out of the door that I really got into action . My utility room was underwater . I turned off the washer and then went to spin to get the water out . I swept the water out , and when I was outside I realized that the water had run under the wall between the floor plate and the foundation . I called the appliance guy . He apparently knew what was wrong . I think he has to hook something up again . He said he would be here this afternoon . Haven 't heard from him , yet . Guess I 'll call . I really have my doubts about this guy . When I needed him before , he never returned the call . He said he knows our hunter who is a repair guy in Sweetland . A said he didn 't know T was in the repair business . He knew him from parts sales . Hmmm . Is this a sign ? Busy , busy , busy weekend . We went to the family reunion in the Alamo City even though we stayed at the SSB which is two hours away . For seven of us and a dog , it was a lot less expensive - even with time . G 's mother tried to put me on a guilt trip - once again . She was going on and on about how my sikser - in - law had done " sooooo much " for her where as we haven 't been to her independent living apartment twice since January . M was telling us that HER mother is planning a move to the Capitol City and she tried to get MIL to say she would do the same . She talked about how much easier if will and would be if they were both there . It went right over MIL 's head . She would rather they travel from the Capitol City to the Alamo City at her whim . What I did with my dad and step mom was hard , but I think that is exactly what needs to be done with MIL . I know she is in a " protected " environment where Dad wasn 't , but noone should be expected to make trips to check on family like has to be done . Other than that the reunion was fun . The rest of the weekend was a little nerve wracking . Monkey Boy needs a good butt warming . He has been allowed to get what he wants by crying for his entire life . Whenever things don 't go his way , he whines . If dinner isn 't chicken nuggets and fries with catsup , he cries . If he is told to do something that he doesn 't like - he cries . It was a weekend of his noise . Mom and Dad ( more Mom ) are realizing just what they have created , but it is still annoying . Doodle Bug is a red haired wonder ! She has the temper to match that hair . She can be so happy one moment , and she is really ticked off the next . She does love Simone however . I wish I had my camera out when they shared their kisses . When Simone would get up in the mornings , Doodle Bug was at her happiest . Lady Bug was her usual good self with the exception of thinking she could get her own glass yesterday out of the cabinent . We are minus one glass . I just hope she asks for help from now on . I really had to laugh when her dad said she should be using plPosted by As we live our day to day lives , everything we plan , down to the most simple things , can be instantly changed . I had the day mapped out in my head . Guess what - it all changed ! As a way of explaining part of what was going on today , I must tell you that we are having a terrible time with fleas and Simone . I keep treating her and the house , and G still gets bitten . I really think HE is the vector bringing them into the house . He is outside more than she is ! When I picked up her prescription dog food at the vet 's office Saturday , I told them I was having a terrible time . They said there is a pill out that will make all the fleas leave her within 30 minutes . Well , OK . So I bought 2 of the little gems ( $ 4 . 40 each ) . Since Saturday was hot , and we wouldn 't be home when it was cool on Sunday , we decided that Monday was the day to give her pill number 1 . She tolerated it well , but since it was going to rain on Tuesday I would wait until Wednesday for the second pill . That was also tolerated well , and I decided today would be the day for a bath ( at the vet ) and the application of Frontline which up to now has not been effective at all . I got her up early , had her go outside and fed her . Then I loaded her into the truck , and we were off . Now she thought she was going to her slaughter . She planted her feet most of the way to the back at the office , but they picked her up ( all 65 pounds ! ) , and all was well . I returned home , and set about washing her bedding . I was fiddling around with something when the washer made a horrible noise . The bedding had gotten out of balance . I thought it wouldn 't be much of a problem . It happens all the time with a large load . I opened the lid and shifted everything around . I lowered the lid with the expectation of the spin beginning once again . Silence . I moved things around again . Moved the dial a little . Lowered the lid again . Silence . So I called the Maytag repairman - probably woke him . He came out about an hour later . He poked about for a while , removing the panels from the machine . Then he pronoPosted by G is a devoted reader of the obits . When the paper is brought in , he settles down with that section and reads every last obit in the paper . Let me tell you , there are a lot of obits in the local Swampland paper . I glance at them on occasion . Each time I read them I get really depressed . Perhaps it is because , not unlike anyone else , I simply don 't know what my future holds for me . None of us are promised a set number of days , but I think mine are seriously diminished by the cancer . I cannot be sure it is really gone . On another cheery note , I finally called the orthopedist yesterday . I got his " scheduling person " Mike . I had to leave a message . I could not believe that ! I had to leave a message to make an appointment . Here it is , the next day at 10 : 06 and no return yet . I wish I could have had a job like that . Apparently he comes to work at 10am ( or later ) and gets off at 4 . Wow ! What a deal . I also got a call from Dr Poison 's office . They asked if I would come to the office across town . I said no I could not . You would have thought I was signing my death certificate on the spot . I wouldn 't be willing to drive an additional 20 miles for an appointment that isn 't all that important anyway . So we rescheduled for next Thursday . My , my . These doctors ! I 'm finding that I don 't want to go any where . I don 't want to shop . I don 't want to go out to eat . I don 't want to see anyone unless they are here in my house . I 'm not just antisocial . My knees and feet hurt so much that I can 't stand the thought of walking around . Just going to the mailbox at the curb is a major trip . G keeps asking me " so - when 's that appointment ? " He is talking about me making one with an orthopedist . I have to do it . I just hate to add yet another physician to my stable of doctors ! I see Dr Poison later today . I 'm curious about the real results of the bone scan . I was supposed to see him several weeks ago , but Ike blew in and changed all our lives around here . I had called the office . The nurse said there were signs of arthritis . I wonder if the good doctor will go ahead and order an MRI . I sincerely hope not . I really don 't want to do that . The thought of being in that tube scares the liver out of me . I guess I should serve some cheese with this whine . We 'll see what happens this afternoon . I 've got the recumbent bike working ( I think ) , so I believe I 'll see if that will help anything . Later ! I really try to not critisize how my daughter and son in law are raising their children . I KNOW it is not appreciated . I don 't think I would have liked it one bit either . With that said , I did exactly that last night . It was Sunday night dinner with the family . I was already not feeling well . I decided to serve frozen lasagna with salad , bread and a bought Halloween cake . Simple . Monkey Boy is a picky eater , and he is encouraged to be just that . For lunch after church when we went out his was macaroni and cheese with fries as the side dish . That was washed down with lemonaid . Carb city . I know he does eat spaghetti and other noodles , so I expected him to eat last night . When he SAW the lasagna , he immediately began crying and chanting no - no - no . This boy is four ! \ My son was really irritated by this . Now they won 't have their baby until almost March , and he is hopefully making his words nice and soft , but his feeling is that his kid won 't act that way . I hope so for his and the child 's sake . I was irritated also . I could see no reason for this act except for the fact that he thinks he doesn 't have to eat when he is here . I felt the behavior was uncalled for . When time for dessert came , at least his parents didn 't give in . He sat on the floor by his older sister and just bawled . They remained unmoved . I was proud . Then he came and sat on the sofa between me and his dad . His dad then asked if he wanted a sandwich when they got home . I just about had a cow . I said nothing at the time . His dad was then ready to go - right then . K was watching the program on TV . On the way out , I told her about the sandwich thing . She didn 't believe me at first , and I assured her that the sandwich deal was going to happen . She became defensive and said that it was nutrition . That wasn 't my point . I don 't like sending kids to bed without dinner , but come on . They wonder why is will behave for his teachers but not for them . This is the reason . They don 't make him behave . I hate to see this happen to him . They had a big birthday party for him Posted by Right now I 'm trying to decide if I REALLY want to go to the Alamo City to attend my 45th ( gasp ) high school reunion . I just don 't know if I really want to spend the time and money . High school was a great time for me . My high school was a gorgeous campus . We really were treated like we were more in college than high school . I was in the " pep squad " and had a great time with the other girls and the band when we practiced for half times together . I loved most of my teachers . I know it 's impossible to love all of them - just as I know that not all of my students loved or even liked me . That 's life . We have lived in the Swampland area for about 38 years . I haven 't seen any of these people in that time . I haven 't had any communication with any of my friends save one in all that time . When we went to the last reunion , none of my friends were there . I really was rather bored . It seems that mostly it is the males who keep up with high school buddies . That 's the way it looks from what I see from the high school site . That 's the way it seems with my daughter and son 's classes too . She doesn 't see those people and doesn 't care to attend a reunion . My son is still best buddies with his classmates . I have to make up my mind soon . I am so torn . Posted by I kind of feel like the Little Red Hen or the Little Engine that could or perhaps a cross between the two ( what a terrible run on sentence ) . Just exactly who I modeled most after depends on the time . I felt like the Little Red Hen when I decided that since no one helped me move my HEAVY sewing / embroidery machine downstairs so I could go the the machine brand club meeting , I would just do it myself . I planned it all out last night . I would go up to put the materials and sewing supplies that I needed into the sewing machine carrier last night . Then today , I would go up to get first the machine and ease it down step by step . I would then get the carrier last . When they were both downstairs , I would put the machine into the carrier and I would be set . There was some consideration to taking the smaller plain sewing machine , but my ego got in the way . This club is made up of those who have these fancy , dancy machines . I didn 't want to be the one there with the older ( much ) little machine . Pride ! ! It causes some terrible things . I went up last night and loaded ( most ) of the supplies I needed . Since I had the time for the club meeting wrong , I was able to go to the nearby fabric store to get what I had forgotten . I had to laugh at the others who showed up without some important items . I thought I was scattered at these meetings . I 'm better than the first one ( two months ago ) when I showed up with NOTHING I needed as far as supplies . They thought I was some sort of alien . Well , there were three new people this time . I guess the club is getting their act together because they were warmly welcomed . This morning I went to get the machine . I doubt I should be picking it up right now . I am still on restricted activities for now . But I gingerly removed it from the cabinet . I got to the stairs , and that 's where the Little Engine came in . My stairs are steep ! ! We enclosed our attic about 20 years ago , and it became our kid 's bedrooms , a bath and sitting area . Due to that - our stairs are steep and the treads are narrow . I " screwed mPosted by Three years ago when Simone first came into my house , I knew she certainly wasn 't a guard dog . She was and is rather timid , and that 's great . I really don 't worry about her with the grandkids . In fact , she and Doodle Bug are such great friends that we call DB Simone 's puppy . DB giggles when Simone licks her and hugs her . Simone does not like loud noises however . During a thunderstorm , she will be right beside me . She just doesn 't like them at all . Recently Simone will growl if she see someone walking by on the sidewalk . I don 't know what that is all about . I guess she feels she needs to contribute something to the workings of the household . If someone knocks on the door or rings the door bell she will now bark and want to see who 's there . I really think she wants to greet whoever is visiting . She feels that is her role in the family . Today she is stuck to my side . My neighbors are replacing their driveway . There is a poor man out there with a sledge hammer trying to break up the sections of concrete . This first section apparently really didn 't need replacing because he is having a heck of a time breaking it . When he finally gets some of it broken , they use a front end loader to put the pieces into a dump truck . That banging is really loud and feels like it shakes our house . Simone is not at all sure what is going on over there , but she knows she wants no part of it . Each time I open the door for her to go out , a bang comes from over there and she is back in the house - glued to my side . I 'm glad , for her sake , that I had planned to be at home today . I 'm not sure what her mental state would be when I got home . I was a woman who dreaded the thought of getting older and becoming a grandmother . Now being a grandmother is one of my greatest joys . Time changes us all . Hopefully for the better . Retirement is the greatest thing in the world - I wish I could have done it at 23 . |
If anyone read my last post , you would know that Spyder had a case of cellulitis that was easily resolved using SMZ 's and bute to kick it in the butt . Memorial Day ( Monday , June 30th ) is when he was a bit off and had a little bit of a temperature ( but it was HOT and humid ) . I went to take a lesson , and he was a little stocked up . It was hot and he was in the shed , so I thought nothing of it . He was sound to walk so I got on , but he was a bit lame when trying to trot for me . It wasn 't bad , but I was worried about him so we got in touch with the vet . I hopped off and I took a lesson on another horse after giving him some meds so he could feel better . I went on a work trip , so the trainer / barn owner helped me with his medication . He was a worse the next day , even worse the next when I saw him ( much like a fire hose - no definition in the joints ) . I hosed him top to bottom , and he was enjoying the hose to cool off and relieve some of the inflammation . The vet had come out and giving him an injection of stronger antibiotics to kick it , as well . His legs were great by the weekend . I wasn 't sure how long to continue his meds so I contacted the vet , and 5 days was perfect for him . He was free from needing any more and looking great by Saturday , but he was quite the baby with them . After the meds , he wouldn 't eat anything . I know bute is bitter , but come on , Spyder , you love food ! After I gave him them , I would graze him and it would take him a while to eat again . He always makes it totally obvious that he doesn 't want to be bothered with medicine . It was a fun few days of catching him by bringing him carrots that he was only interested in when other horses would eat them first . He 'd hear them munching and I could grab his halter . I brought either a grain bucket or a carrot , and I got him each day - getting him to take any medication by day 2 is always an adventure because he was smart . He knew what you were doing , and he wanted no part of it . When I gave him the last dose of meds on Saturday ( his 9th birthday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY , SPYDER ) . I took the picture below with him , and he put his face in the corner of the stall because he didn 't want anything to do with medicine . He wouldn 't even eat a carrot , and I felt guilty that it seemed he hated his birthday when I wanted to make it special for him . He seemed to be really hot , though . Earlier in the day , I was at a bridal shower , and it was so insanely humid that you would sweat just sitting there so I don 't blame him . I believe I found him in the run in shed before I got him in the stall , and I could see he still had some of his winter coat . He didn 't shed out like I was used to seeing , so I got the hose on him to cool him off . I was glad that he was in the shed , and even happier to know that since the " lead " of the herd left , he was able to take back over and have his way with what he wanted in the paddock . He was playing with the hose and making me put it on his face like he loves . He always tries to drink from it and splashed everyone around . He really enjoyed that bath to cool off and I got a lot of additional hair off of him in preparation for more heat to come . The days are quite the blur with everything I 've had going on ( 3 weeks left of grad school ) , but I think it was Sunday ( now June 5th ) that I got a call he wasn 't eating his grain . There are a mother and daughter that feed , and the daughter noticed he was breathing heavy ( pony clubber and 4 - h ' er in the club I help lead ) . I got a call when I was out food shopping from the barn owner , but she advised me that her daughter was out there mowing and to call her because she wasn 't home . Again , Spyder , eat your food . The meds are over ! I knew it was hot , but there was a lot of rain coming so I was glad it would cool him off . I barn owner let me know that she was out there mowing around 5 or so and he was looking fine in the field . I was relieved to hear that , and with the rain on the way was glad he could cool off in the shed . Monday , I went to check on him after work because I was worried about him not eating . I wanted to make sure there was no grain in his bucket , but I did see a few crumbs left over which wasn 't like him . I wasn 't told that he didn 't eat , and when the feeder was asked , he said that he did eat which made me happy . I pulled him out of the field where he was hiding in the shed . He didn 't run so I knew he was glad the medicine was over . He came in , and he wouldn 't really do much . He didn 't want to eat carrots , he didn 't really want grain , and so I hosed him . He was his playful self in the water , and he was so thrilled that I bathed him . I grabbed his temp to make sure he was good , and I updated the vet with some information . His temp was good , so I was worried he was colicing . I took it again , and someone else helped me ( which it turns out I didn 't need , but he just stood in the round pen where I put him ) . Unlike the 3 people it usually takes to get the temp , he was compliant , so I knew something was off . He was picking at the grass around the round pen , though . That made me happy . I brought him water , and he drank the bucket I lifted to his face . The same mother and daughter came to feed , and I already had him out trying to graze him a bit . He was next to the bathing area hanging out with his paddock mate while he got a bath , he was jealous about the hose on him so I grabbed the hose from her in the middle of the bath and put some water on Spyder to cool him down . He was eating grass ( being picky , but he was ) , and he was dragging me around like he usually does . They came with his grain to feed when I had him out , and he was eating his grain slowly from the bucket . The mother that fed was worried because he wasn 't devouring it like he usually did , and she said that he would keep eating , even with colic , which is true . At this point , I was a bit worried . Spyder didn 't want to really walk any where quickly , but he was happy to go back in the field with his buddies . I put him back out because he seemed upset that it was feeding time , and he didn 't get to go snip out the buckets from the other horses like he was used to . I stayed to watch him walk past the other horses and right into the run in . I was upset that he didn 't drink any water , but I was happy that had a lot of grass . I stayed until 9pm or so and didn 't eat dinner because I was so worried about him , he looked like he was walking a bit stiff which worried me that the cellulitis wasn 't completely done . I woke up early on Tuesday to get there . I opened my eyes at 5am , and I popper right out of bed to get to the farm to check on him . I could hear him breathing heavy like he has been before I got there . I pet him , and he didn 't want to walk . I tried to pull him out of there , but he didn 't move all but a couple steps . At this point , I grabbed him some water ( because I don 't know if he would have walked to get some ) and a thermometer to get his temp . He was already shoving himself back in the corner , he didn 't move so I could get his temp which was good . Still , no temp . I didn 't believe it , so I took it again . He was still showing no temp . I tried to get him to walk again , but he didn 't want to , and he didn 't want water . Now , I was REALLY worried . I had already texted the vet with no answer , and so I called the emergency line . By now , the person that feeds most morning was there , and he always comes to him . None of the horses would come to him because they were all in the run in . He banged on the gate , and the 2 that were out came , but Spyder was behind . The vet didn 't answer , so I texted the barn owner who got ahold of her . She said it 'd be about an hour before she could get there , but she called me to say sorry and that I was next , and she was hurrying . I had to leave for work because I had a demonstration so I was upset I couldn 't be there , but happy she was on her way . I didn 't let the vet know that , though . I brought him in with the help of the feeder , and it was awful . He couldn 't really move , he was so stiff . He didn 't want to move . He tried his best , while the feeder led him , and I pushed his sides . Clicking and saying " walk , walk , cluck cluck , walk " the whole way . Spyder was still breathing heavy , but he made it . He went to his stall . I got him water , and I actually filled two buckets so they wouldn 't have to change it for me . He just stayed in the corner like he did on his birthday , but I went in and gave him carrots . He ate them , but he was chewing slow . He wouldn 't touch his grain . I was so upset , but I knew the vet was on her way . The barn owner was coming with a fan and he would get banamine soon . I wasn 't sure what the stiffness was , but I was thinking laminitis . Is this what the cellulitis turned in to ? Was he colicing ? I was panicked . He has some nasal discharge and was sneezing , so maybe he was getting something else ? The vet called me from the barn asking where I was . She was worried and let me know that she was thinking it was in his chest . If he had a tumor or something , it would have released protein which would have made his legs swell from the change . It would have also given him the pain that he was experiencing to walk . She told me that he needed to get to a vet hospital and that she wanted to see an ultrasound of his chest . I let her know that that was fine , and she told me that the barn owner was already getting the trailer to get him up there ( so I didn 't drive 30 minutes home and 30 mins back after hooking up the trailer ) . I was so thankful that she could arrange for that for me to get him up to Mid - Atlantic which is a two - hour drive . They had the facilities to get the ultrasound done and find out what it was . I spoke with the owner when she was on her way and thanked her because I didn 't want to let my job down . I wanted to be there , but I had a presentation . I couldn 't focus . I let the sales rep know that I had an emergency , and he sped through the demo for me . I was closing up what I had to get done ( Tuesday , June 7th at this point ) . I knew I had to travel for work later in the week so I wanted to work as much as I could in case I needed to get out of traveling . I powered through it all , and I called the hospital a few times for updates . First , they said that the Doctor would call , he didn 't . The barn owner wanted an update since she was waiting for him . They wouldn 't tell her anything . I called again , they said he was with him and that he 'd call . He didn 't . I called AGAIN and they said he would call in just 1 minute because she just saw him , and he said he would , and he didn 't . He got there around 12 : 30 - 1 so I wasn 't sure what was going on by 2 . At this point , I got in my car and drove . I told work I had to go because I needed answers . I went home , I contacted the barn owner and told her that she didn 't have to stay because they didn 't tell me anything . I was going to grab my trailer and try to keep calling them on my way . I didn 't know what to do , I couldn 't think . I texted Dom , and I asked her if she lived near the hospital , because I thought she did . She let me know she was 10 minutes away and that she could meet me there after work . She was out at 4 , and that was earlier than I could get there , so I appreciated that . She raced there after work , and by then , the doctor told me a little . I wasn 't even home to change or grab the trailer , I was almost there , but I made a wrong turn . I ended up in a parking lot at a store near our house , and it was this point that I knew I was losing it . I couldn 't even drive to my own house - what was wrong with me ? I hung up from the barn owner to take the vet call and he gave me a play by play of what happened . I told Dom I 'd call her when I knew more . I spoke to him in the parking lot and he gave me a play by play , so very calmly that it calmed me down . He gave me the chain of events . Spyder got there in the trailer , and he didn 't look so great . They said he wasn 't able to walk off so they blocked his legs . He walked himself into the exam room at this point , but he collapsed and they couldn 't get him up . They let me know he was really bad and they were trying right now to get him up so they could get him into a stall . The did some tests , but they only knew it was pain , possibly kidneys , and a calcium issue . I was heartbroken . I called the barn owner to update her as I drove home to get changed . I told her the update , and she said , " Jess , he was really bad . He was trembling , and they couldn 't even get him to walk off the trailer without shots in all of his legs . " I was happy that she didn 't upset me at work because she knew I had a presentation , and I can 't thank her enough for saving me from worrying hours sooner . I called Dom to rely that to her , and let her know I was 2 hours out , letting the dog out to pee , and changing . I got home , put the dog out , and went to change . I took off my dress pants and I stood in the closet crying . I was staring at all of my pants / bottoms . Jeans , sweatpants , yoga pants , running pants , leggins . I was literally staring at them - why couldn 't I put them on ? I was a wreck . I gave Dom play by play updates where I was . She called me when she was on her way . She was getting there 30 minutes of so before me . On the highway , she called me . I had to give them permission to tell her anything and let them know she could see him . She told me she was going to see him , and she texted me photos of him standing in a stall . I was so relieved that he was up . I was also upset that the Doctor didn 't update me . I was even more happy to know that Dom knew the doctor that was working on him . She knew him since she was 12 or so and was hoping to see him before I got there . She thinks that they probably just got him up and in a stall when she got there , and she let me know he was looking for food . This was a huge relief considering they told me it was so bad that I shouldn 't even go there because he was on the floor and not getting up . Dom came to the front when i pulled up and showed me where the office was when I got him . They wouldn 't let me past them until I confirmed by address ( which they did on the phone when I called the first time prior to telling me anything ) and made me fill out a credit card slip . I didn 't even read the form I signed and had no idea about costs or what they would keep doing or not doing because I didn 't consent to anything that I knew of . I realized when I left that night that I didn 't even sign the form . I went back to the stall , I looked at him , and I was heartbroken . He was on fluids to flush his kidneys and calcium because his levels were so low . He has icepacks on all 4 of his legs , so I new it was laminitis . The doctor mentioned that when I was on the phone with him , but I didn 't even really listen other than hearing he was on the ground . Dom even asked me the Doctor 's name prior to going and I said that I have no idea . I listened past that to get the update . It was hard to see him , he was showing a lot of weight loss . He was still breathing pretty heavy , but he was also heavily sedated . He did perk his ears when he saw me , and he was showing an interest in water . Since he was on the fluids , he was peeing a lot , and it seemed to be coming out well . It was clear , and I was happy to see him pee . It seemed like he was trying to pee on Monday and Tuesday when he was at the farm because he was dropped . I did tell the local vet that he was not holding himself up which was unusual for him - which is why I was SO very happy to see him pee . Everyone there seemed happy because it was clear , too . Dom knew two of the people that worked there , and Mike was coming to bring her some clothes since she came from the clinic . I didn 't care that Dom thought she smelled ( she didn 't ) , she gave me a big hug , knew the doctor , and knew employees . She kept me calm and even showed the people there a photo of what he looked like before looking like this . It was sad to see him , but he still wanted to eat and was munching on some hay . He was shifting his weight a lot , but he could move to get the hay . He could have comfort on the bedding they had for him , and I had comfort knowing he was at least somewhat comfortable . It was just hard to see him sedated and losing weight . The doctor spoke to me and said that he had some real concerns . He was unsure how his calcium levels were so low if his kidneys were so bad . He mentioned kidney disease and said that the ultrasound showed some abnormalities on them . He didn 't seem to say much about a prognosis , but he was doing his best with the information he had to figure it out . They ran another blood test on him and said they would get me the results before I left . We went up front and hung out , but we never heard anything . We went back into the barn and saw Spyder again , he got some new ice on his feet , and we talked with a few of the other horse owners we saw while checking out the other horses . I was so happy that he was here , Dom was close , and that she knew those that could keep me updated . I went back to Dom 's , we ordered dinner , and we fed her two boys , checked out Mike 's awesome woodshop , and relaxed . It was so nice of them to have me over , and I was so happy I got to meet Mike , see the puppies , and try to forget about the stress . Their place will do that to you . . . it 's beautiful . I left knowing that I had real support here , they both felt for me and offered their support and caring . Dom was already reading up on kidney issues so that she could understand what may have caused this . I drove home , and I was hopeful that I would get better news the next day . I was able to sleep knowing that he seemed comfortable and was eating ( but I spent so much tears the way there and back still ) . I went to work on Tuesday , and I let them know I was waiting on the vet to call with an update because they ran the blood work . The vet from the hospital called and said that his kidney levels were better , but he was still in so much pain . He didn 't say a whole lot , but he did ask if I was visiting . It wasn 't until I hung up that I realized maybe he wanted to tell me something in person . He mentioned severe kidney issues , and I straight up asked what the prognosis would be . He said best case , a comfortable pasture pet , but he didn 't know if was fit to be comfortable with both the kidney disease and laminitis . He said kidney issues are not good for horses . In not wanting to hear that , I asked if he could be ridden again - yes , I sounded like a crazy person , but I needed to hear it in some other term . He said that he could not see him being ridden or used as he was before , could only hope to ease his pain ( and said again that he was on a lot of it and had a bad night ) , and it would be a long road to recovery , if he would even recover and that he could not see him getting in a trailer any time soon . At this point , I didn 't know what to think . I got off the phone , and I knew what it meant . It just wasn 't processing . At this point , I let Dom know that I was headed back up there . I let the standardbred facility where I adopted him from know what was going on , and the founder said to call her . I spoke to her , and she let me know that it wouldn 't be easy , and I gave her the whole story of how this was simple cellulitis on the Monday before , and now Wednesday , a week and a half later , it 's this . She was comforting in letting me know that I did everything I could have done and confirmed what I already knew , but didn 't yet admit . I spoke with work , and I was on my way out . I called the local vet and left a message for her to call me back . I didn 't hear back so I texted her . I again went home to change , and I let the dog out . I was sobbing . Literally sobbing . The dog was so upset and scared that he curled his tail under and ran away from me . I let him out back , and he was afraid to come back in . He was just as upset as I was that life was like this for me . I headed out and realized I was forgetting carrots so I stopped at a store on the way up to buy a bag . I knew it would be Spyder 's last bag . He loved them so I went in to the grocery store and took a deep breath . I thought I was OK , but I cried in line , during checkout , and the whole way to the hospital . I was patiently waiting for the local vet to call when I saw I got a voicemail from her . I was upset my phone didn 't ring , but she instructed me to call her right back . She was also so helpful in this process and left me a very long message the night before letting me know that she was there for me and Spyder was lucky to have me to get him to the hospital as soon as he did . Others would not have given him a shot , and she comforted me knowing that I was giving him just that . I pulled over before I called her back because I knew what she would say . I let her know that whatever she said , I knew what I had to do . She was so very happy that I was willing to listen , and let me know that she spoke with the vet at the hospital . He was very concerned and she let me know that the medication he was on was serious stuff . He wasn 't going to be much of a horse without prolonged medication , and he couldn 't be on many drugs because of the kidney issue . She explained it to me using smaller animals as the example . You could take a dog or cat to the vet to get fluids in them to keep them going , but a horse wasn 't so easy . The vet explained his levels to her , and they were both surprised he made it to the hospital alive . She explained to me that he was an incredible animal . He taught her so much and she thanked me for giving her the opportunity to work with him . She let me know that he wasn 't easy and he always had her researching things because he was so different than other cases for anything he had going on . She let me know that he was so very strong and he hid what he had all along . She mentioned that the other doctor asked her what he should do - as far as continuing to try to help him or to take the pain away . She let him know that he knew the answer to that and he thanked her . I cried like a baby to the vet . Hearing that made it more real . I knew what would be in his best interest leaving work , but I knew that I needed to hear it from her to come to terms with everything . I got back on the road and got to the hospital . On the way , I let Dom know what was going to happen , and she met me there . I got there before her , and the office was closed . No one in the office knew what was going on , but I let them know that I was there to be with Spyder when he was freed from his pain . Since they didn 't know what was going on , they made some phone calls , did some paging , and told me to visit Spyder . I went back to his stall and advised Dom to meet me there because they said she could go right back . I walked to his stall , and I saw him on so many more bags of various things than before . He was visibly skinnier , having a hard time breathing , and shifting his weight . He didn 't perk up too much to see me , but I think the drugs made him unable to do much . He was tied to the window so he didn 't drop his head , and he was not eating his hay which was at his face . I didn 't even open the stall . I stared at him . He stared at me , sad , depressed , hurting , and unknowing to the challenges we were both facing . I walked past his stall without going in and saw Dom at the end of the barn with Mike . I instantly walked towards her and she greeting me with a hug . I was crying , it was awful . This was it . We both walked to the stall , and Dom 's strength helped me get in there with the carrots I got him on the way . He was happier to be pet by both of us , and we both knew that he was worse than the night before . He was on DMSO and a few other things , and he was totally out of it . He grabbed the carrots I gave him , but he could hardly chew them . It was heartbreaking . It was not the Spyder I remember and it 's not the Spyder I wanted to see . I wanted to see him better . I wanted to do everything I could to make it right . I wanted to do something , and there was nothing I could do . I was hopeless . I needed to ease his pain . I went back to the office to try to take my mind off of the horrible condition I saw my best friend in . I asked the girl at the desk when the doctor was going to call me , because she said that he would when he got somewhere ( he was out ) . She advised him that I needed to speak to someone because I pressed the situation . The doctor finally called . I answered , and he asked me if I spoke with the local vet . I told him that I did , and I knew what I had to do . He let me know that Spyder had a bad night and that the medicine he was on was very serious . It was only keeping him comfortable , but he was feeling the pain . I knew , I could see it . He advised me that he was out and asked what my plans were . I told him I had a flight to catch for work , and that I didn 't want to see him like this . He advised me that I spend time with him while he sorted it out , but I told him that I needed someone to be there sooner rather than later because it was hard to spend time with a horse that I no longer knew . He was raising his head up due to pain and his muscles were flinching . He was hunching his back and dribbling urine on himself . This wasn 't Spyder . Spyder was healthy , happy , young , full of life . happy to see me , and always eating . He told me that he would find someone and make the calls . I cried talking to the vet , and Dom was so nice to hug me and keep strong for me . I felt so weak . They came up to tell me that they were getting everything ready and advised me that it would be better if I wasn 't there for it . They explained that it 's not really safe to be there , and the doctor arranged for everything to happen in the stall . It had to be there , as Spyder couldn 't walk out of it . I went back out there with Dom and Mike to say goodbye . I brought the carrots with me , and he looked better than he did from the last trip to the stall . His ears went up , he looked better , and he looked more comfortable . He ate a few more carrots that we fed both fed him , and he was so happy that we were there , petting him , rubbing his neck , I pet his face and I rubbed under his head like he loved . He usually put his head down when I did that , but he couldn 't since he was tied . I was happy knowing that he was happy and that this is what he 'd remember . He 'd remember the people that cared for him , the people that taught him things , the people that gave him a good home and loved him . He wouldn 't remember this pain in a short while . They switched his medicine over to a sedative and I didn 't look back on my way out , I couldn 't . I was asked if I would like his tail , and I smiled and said that it was something I couldn 't go without . His tail was perfect , he was perfect . Everyone said how great his tail was , and I knew how great he was . I headed back up to the office until they came to get me . I went back to his stall when they got me . I could see that he was at peace . He looked like the Spyder that I knew , resting and sunbathing on a nice day in the field . He looked happy . He looked calm . He looked like he was no longer in pain , and I wish I could feel the same way . I looked to Dom and I even said , " He looks better here and now , just like this . This is a much better way to see him than how he was . " I could never imagine in a million years that I would have to say goodbye so soon . The person that Dom knew that worked there let me know that I did the right thing as she cried right next to me . She let me know that she heard he had a bad night and told me about another horse with a similar situation that was in pain for a while and was put down . She let me know that she was so sorry and that there was nothing I could have done to change it . She was so hurt , and she handed me his beautifully braided tail along with his halter . She and the other person that were there let me know that he went down easy . He was no longer fighting this disease that he hid so well . I am so glad that we got to enjoy every moment together until the very end . I pet him to let him know I was still there . I didn 't want to leave him . I wish I could have been there for him more , and I wish it were different . I wish there were something else I could have done . He was such a great horse . He was always there for me , through homes , a wedding , grad school , hunter paces , shows , jumps in the ring , cantering on the track , breaking my finger because deer are scary , spooking at stumps , rearing in the field , ribbons , smiles , blood , tears , happiness , sadness , hard work , fun , frustration , defeat , lessons , and so much more . He was a once in a life time horse that taught me so much about life . He taught me love , dedication , and persistence . He taught me that being strong on the outside didn 't mean that you were always OK on the inside . You should always be appreciate and accepting of others , even with their issues and attitude because you never know what internal battle they are fighting . You never know how long you will get with anyone or anything in your life and you should appreciate every minute you have because you will never know when it will be taken away from you . Life isn 't fair , but it happens . It happens to change you and to make you realize that you are stronger than you think . You can do more than what you could ever imagine and you can care for a living creature so much that you would rather anything else in the world to take that pain away . I will always remember the memories I had with Spyder . He gave me his all . He was so strong and never showed any signs of weakness . He was a warrior , and I hope that this experience makes me 1 / 100 of the warrior he was . I could not thank Dom enough for taking time out of her days to be there for me and to keep me from crying . She is the person that brought Spyder to me , and I am so glad that she was there for me until the end . It was an honor and relief to have her there with me - thank you for being so strong . I cannot thank my husband enough for sticking through all of this with me and comforting me even though it seemed impossible . If it weren 't for him , I wouldn 't have even given Spyder the chance . I would have given up way before I should have . He was always a challenging animal and Dom showed me his full potential . Chris convinced me that his check ligament injury was only a small setback from our huge pool of potential and told me that the hard would would pay off in the end . He was always supportive in my lessons , my events , my trailer , tack purchases , etc . Having Spyder was truly the greatest joy of so many days that I spent at the barn . I have to thank the barn owners for trailering him up there , always helping when the vet would call , and helping me out along the way . Both the local vet and Mid - Atlantic were so comforting and did everything they could to keep Spyder comfortable . The farrier even reached out to see what he could do and wondered if he could find out the rotation of the bone to potentially work on his feet and make him better . SRF 's founder was comforting and even followed up today to let me know that she spoke with the vet at the hospital ( her husband is a vet and knows the vet that worked with Spyder ) . She comforted me in letting me know that it wasn 't something poisonous . It was something that he hid from us and let me know that I did the right thing for him . The vet showed her where he got off the trailer and where he had to walk and let her know that he couldn 't do it . It wasn 't in him , he was so strong and he did everything he could to please me until the very end . I am not sure that 's everything as I wrote this in a few different sessions . I probably forgot a lot , but I wanted to get it all out so that I could share my story . As much as I don 't want to remember it , I know that I will look back and see what it taught me , just as my hard times trying to figure him out did . Don 't ever feel like you have failed because that pain is the worst of all . I know that I did all that I could , but I feel like I still failed . I feel like I am so weak . I feel like I could have done more , and I wish I could have him back . He was my world , and he will never be forgotten . I am sorry ( if you could get this far ) if I have made you cry . I just thought it would be easiest to share what I am so that I can find some closure and ease the emotions . As I sit here with a wet keyboard , I 'm not sure that 's what I did for myself , but I can at least recall my emotions and remember his story . I started it from the beginning , and I will end it with his memory . If you have any questions , feel free to reach out . I realize the support system that I have is so great , and the team Spyder had behind him was incredible . With grad school coming to an end , I 've been excited to get back to riding . Little by little , we 've been doing more jumping and more cantering . Spyder 's attitude has been so much better so we 've been using that to get more accomplished . He 's finally shedding and looking a lot better . His prior front right injury has been wonderful . There has been no heat or swelling even with all of the cantering we 've been able to do . FINALLY , we 've been able to canter all around the big field . He 's quiet and more willing than even before which has been nice . . . . . . AND THEN . . . Cellulitis . I went to take a lesson , and I assumed he was stocked up from standing in the shed due to rain overnight . He was sound in the field , picked up his feet nicely , and walked out to the ring just fine . Once we warmed up , the trot was awful . It was more a running walk than anything , so we went back to the barn . He had a fever so my trainer suggested he get bute and SMZ 's . He got both and went in a stall per the vet to make sure the infection didn 't spread , if that was in fact the issue . The vet came out to check on him ( yesterday ) after I saw he got a bit more swollen the night before . Two doses of bute and SMZ 's and an injected boost of other antibiotics , he appeared more sound at the trot . I hosed his legs and felt some heat , but we 're all confused as to why it was both legs . Usually , it 's just one , but he didn 't want to put his right rear leg down the night before so it was possibly causing the other to swell . His left rear had the heat the next day , though . Strange . The vet even made a joke about his legs because I mentioned it 's always something . It 's " ring around the rosie " with injuries on the legs as she put it . She 'll be back to do more injections today and tomorrow and will be getting me steroids to bring the legs back to normal ( hopefully ) . He 'll be back in the field today ( and I 'm sure he 'll be much happier as he made noise and called to each person that came in the barn to remind them that he needed to go back out . . haha ) , but I 'm in Georgia for work so I am having the barn owner check on him . Let 's hope it 's not a recurring issue because we 've got to keep moving forward . . . it 's been so nice . : ) Can 't wait to see how it looks tomorrow morning . Let 's hope he heals up soon so I can get off the farm and get back to riding . Three weeks of grad school left ( 2 papers , 2 exams , 3 discussion posts ) , and I 'm free for good . Spyder will be happy he 'll get more time off in June than I would like because we 're going to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park for 11 days . I can 't wait to get some dates on the schedule for clinics and trailering to whatever events to get some more experience under his belt . I need to make some sort of goal or set up an event so that I work towards it . Not having one , riding can be pretty boring . I hope that we can hit a few cross country jumps by the end of the summer , too . His jump is coming along nicely , but for now , we just need sound and clean legs . I do need to upload pics and videos that I have so that all of the progress can be seen . It 's been great . |
Author 's note : This story placed 3rd in the June / July demon story contest . Based on my feature - length screenplay ( which is copyrighted ) . Was inspired to adapt it as a short story . I write to you now , but I do not write from my room , with a bed so soft and a window so bright . I do not write from my home , with couches so comfortable and food so . . . so good . Oh , food , how I miss it . Water , too . If I could get one drop , oh how I would thank God . . . well , I 'd thank someone for it , anyways . I do not write from my tree house , among friends so dear and chirping birds so near . I do not write even from the world you live in right now . No , I write from a place much , much worse . It 's ironic because during my last moments in the world , I couldn 't imagine any sort of place worse than the place we call Earth . I thought such a place couldn 't possibly exist . How wrong I was . Allow me to introduce myself . My name is Patrick , and for you to understand my train of thought , I 'll need to take you back a little . Back to the world God ( your God , no longer mine ) put me on . Oh , the 80 's , what a time to be alive . Great movies , great music ( somewhat ) , great friends , great family , great house , great life , great . . . sorry , I 'm rambling . Eleven years old , that was me , living in a suburban home with my mother , Sarah , my dad , Vincent , my asshole 13 - year - old twin brothers , Darren and Bryce , and of course , my five - year - old sister , Nancy . Come to think of it , I wonder how she 's doing right now , sweet little Nancy . She was always so precious , so innocent . I hope what we went through together never changed that . Anyhow , I can remember the day so clearly . I was playing a basketball game of two - on - one ( I was the one ) with Darren and Bryce . The two jerks were creaming me , of course , never hasting to shove me around and taunt me . " Patrick , you 're ass at this " , they would say . Well , of course I was " ass " , I was an eleven - year - old playing two - on - one against two thirteen - year - old pricks . Actually , you know something ? I 'm gonna stop calling them names . See , when you 're on Earth , it 's easy to call your family members names and quarrel with them constantly . Where I am now , though , you 'd give anything just to hug them for five seconds and tell them how much you love them . Oops , I 'm rambling , again . Well , soon enough , our mother called us in , as we were having some guests over that night . Our new neighbors . The new neighbors in question were the Hoffmister family . Up to that point , all I had heard my brothers say about the Hoffmisters were things like " They 're creepy as shit " , and " Weird - ass people who gotta go " . I didn 't share these opinions , they seemed like okay people to me . Nonetheless , the Hoffmisters came over that night . The family consisted of three . First there was 60 - year - old Eileen , a skinny woman with short , gray hair , always wearing black dresses . Next , we had none other than 60 - something - year - old Leo ( don 't really remember that bastard 's age , nor do I care to ) , also extremely thin with a long nose that would make the pasty white guy on The Pink Panther Show jealous . Then there was David , their eleven - year - old insecure adopted son . I 'm pretty sure Leo and David are in the same place I 'm writing from right now , but I 'm not certain . See , we don 't really get to speak with anyone else here . Anyways , it was quite an eventful evening . Eileen and Leo had tea with my parents while Darren , Bryce , David , and I hung out in our treehouse , playing cards . In the treehouse , I started to get to know David a little better . I must say , though , he seemed a bit on the weird side . He was pretty awkward when it came to discussing things such as where he moved from or what life at home was like . Still , he was a nice kid , just very shy . Later that night , when the sun went down , my brothers had already gone home , and David & I were walking down our streetlamp - lit road . That 's when he invited me to his house for a bit . It was a Friday night , so I figured it 'd be okay . Let me say this : his house was big . It was the biggest in the neighborhood , down at the end of my street , sitting high on a hilltop as if it were better than all the others . Behind it was a large field that eventually merged into some woods , which lined the horizon . Entering David 's house , we walked into his kitchen , where he told me to take my shoes off so as not to upset his parents . I heard some footsteps upstairs , so I figured his parents must have gotten back from my house . We sat down at his counter , eating yogurt ; with David continued to dodge my questions about his home - life , or just his life in general . All I knew was that he was adopted . Soon enough , I heard Eileen upstairs . " David , come upstairs , please ! " , she said . David told me to stay put , as he 'd only be a minute , and just like that , he was gone . I sat alone in their kitchen , finishing off my yogurt cup . I decided to get up and look around a bit to keep myself busy while David was upstairs doing whatever the hell he was doing . Looking at the fridge , I got a look at some of the pictures that were magnetized to it . These included family photos with the grinning faces of Eileen and Leo , and the frowning face of David . Why did David look so unhappy in all of these photos ? Oh , and another thing , there was a photo on their fridge of some kid sitting on the floor of what looked like a cellar , just staring up at the camera with a blank face . Strange . I then walked over to a shelf in their living room , which was stocked with framed photos and figurines . Lots of self - portraits here , including one of Eileen , her expression blank , eyes looking very cold and lifeless . For some reason , it kinda reminded me of this portrait I 'd seen once of the famous cowboy named Buffalo Bill . Same sort of stare and expression , and what not . Anyways , sorry , I don 't even know why that came to mind . Eileen 's portrait reminded me of this one . I started looking at some of the figurines on the shelf . A Mickey Mouse doll , a monkey doll ( this creeped me out ) , and a pentagram necklace . Oh , and there was also a crucifix necklace , but the cross was upside down . " What idiot messed that up ? " I thought to myself . I then realized that David had been gone for a while , and I was getting a little bored with looking at peoples ' decorations . I decided to go upstairs and find him . Walking up the stairs , I began to hear some weird noises coming from one of the rooms upstairs . It sounded like chanting , and as I got to the top of the stairs I confirmed that it was . I looked down the upstairs hallway of the Hoffmister home , and saw that one of the rooms had a light on inside , the door open just a crack . As I walked toward the door , I could clearly hear Eileen and Leo chanting in some weird language I 'd never heard before . I slowly crept toward the room , a decision I regret to this day . I pushed the door open slightly , just enough to see Eileen and Leo , on the floor on their hands and knees , bowing down to something that was just out of my view . I didn 't dare open the door any wider than I already had , even if it meant satisfying my curiosity to see what in blazes they were bowing down to . From my point of view , I could see a small cauldron , filled with a steamy liquid . Leo was blowing cigar smoke and spitting rum into this bowl . The whole atmosphere in the room was different , I don 't know how to really describe it . It was like I could feel the presence of someone else in there , but I couldn 't see them . Then , I saw David , in the back corner of the room , curled up in the fetal position , bawling his eyes out . He looked more terrified than anyone I 'd ever seen ( up to that point . . . now it 's a different story ) . David 's terror only grew when his mother ( if you even wanna call that awful witch such a thing ) stormed over to his corner of the room and grabbed him by the wrist , pulling him up off of the ground in an attempt to get him to bow down to whatever they were bowing to . I could see his fear grow when he watched Leo pull a rooster out of a burlap sack and chop its head off in a brutal animal sacrifice . Then his face went white with horror as he realized how much trouble he was in when piss began running down his leg and onto the floor . That did it . Eileen began slapping David over and over and over again , angrily screaming at him . " You never , never , NEVER , do that in front of the Beast ! " she screamed . The beating eventually stopped , and David was just a heaping mess in a puddle of his own tears and piss . This was when I decided that it was a good idea to get the hell out . I turned to exit , but in my haste I knocked over on of their many picture frames that lined a desk upstairs . I winced when this happened , knowing that it was about a 99 . 99 % probability that the devious couple down the hall heard it . I rushed down the stairs as quick as I could , nearly tripping myself . I didn 't care . I just wanted to get out . Still , poor David . I wished I could have done something to help . Grabbing the door handle , I prepared to make a hasty exit out the front door of that dreaded house . Then , I stopped dead in my tracks . Holy shit , please tell me . . . yep . My shoes were still in the kitchen . I ran for dear life toward the kitchen , locking on to my shoes like a missile . I grabbed them . Yes ! No . I looked up to see Eileen , standing on the upstairs balcony , looking down over me with an overly friendly expression on her face . I was frozen in place . Do I run ? No , that will just look stupid . Also , she 'll know I saw what those creeps were doing up there . " No need to apologize , " she said , " but it is getting quite late . You should get home . Don 't need your parents coming over here , now do we ? " No we don 't , I thought to myself . I managed to stammer out some stupid reply , before saying goodbye and rushing to their front door , bursting out of it . I 'm never going back there , I thought to myself . If only that were true . . . . As I ran home , I looked back at the house , and what I saw chilled me to the bone . In one of the bedroom windows was Eileen , just standing there , staring at me . When she saw me look , she raised her hand and waved . That was it . She knew what I saw . Dammit . Well , I ran home as fast as my feet could take me . I immediately told my brothers . Told them about the beatings , the chanting , the cauldron , and Eileen repeatedly addressing someone ( or something ) in the room by the names " The Beast " and " Lucifer " . Well , my stupid brothers proceeded to spread the story around the whole entire school until everyone knew . Everybody knew that David 's parents were the freaky witches at the end of the street . Exaggerated and blown out of proportion , the story spread like wildfire . David refused to talk to me , knowing it had to have been me who spread the rumors . I felt horrible for him , but I didn 't know what to do . I was too afraid to get the police or child services after what I saw at that house . I was too young to know that was what I had to do and that it was not a choice . I tried to push the whole thing into the back of my mind . That was until Halloween night , a few weeks later . Ah , good old All Hallows Eve . It was one of my favorite holidays ever . That Halloween night , I was doing what every kid should be doing ; trying to pack as much candy as humanly possible into one pillowcase in one night . My friends and I were trying to hit all the local neighborhoods so we 'd be able to mow down candy for months . However , my plans were ruined when we ran into my brothers and their devious , loud - mouthed friends . My brothers took me aside and told me I had no choice but to show them the window of the room I had seen the Hoffmisters doing their deeds in . There was no arguing my way out of it , and I soon found myself back at that dreaded place . My brothers , their friends , and I stood in the Hoffmisters ' yard on the side of their house . In the driveway were moving trucks . I wasn 't surprised , those people had been humiliated . I was actually really happy these creeps wouldn 't be living down the street from where I sleep anymore . My brother , Darren , confirmed that they were moving away because of the rumors . Well , before I knew it , my brothers were forcing me to climb a tree to get a better look into the window on the side of the house . They wanted to see if there was anything bat - shit crazy that would be visible in it , and of course being the pushover I was , I climbed that tree . It seemed like all was going well , until the light in the window shut off . This was the first sign that something was wrong . However , before I could get down from the tree and tell my brothers to piss off , we all heard the front door open . Of course , my brothers and their friends took off , leaving me up in the tree . Eileen must have heard them , because the next thing I knew , she was prowling the side of the house and examining the muddy footprints left by my brothers and their friends . This is it , I thought . I 'm gonna accidentally snap a branch or fall or something , and she 's gonna catch me . But by some miracle , Eileen didn 't see me up in her tree , and went inside . Well , I high - tailed it outta there , leaving my pirate - hat ( part of my halloween costume ) lying on the ground in their yard . I never wanted to even look at that damn house again . I sprinted down my street and through my neighborhood , all the way down to the schoolyard , where my friends and I agreed we 'd meet up after my brothers ' little scheme . I used to love this sight on Halloween Night . Ah , the memories . And to my utter dismay , my friends were nowhere to be found . All I could say at that point was that my brothers had better still have had my damn candy in their possession . I looked around the school yard a bit more . Nothing . Not a sign of my friends . It must have been pretty late at that point , there weren 't even trick - or - treaters on the streets anymore . I knew my parents were gonna kill me , so I started to head home . A walk home on Halloween Night was the coolest thing ever . It was peaceful , spooky , and unsettling , all at the same time . I kinda liked that creepy feeling , it was what gave Halloween its charm . However , I really don 't like the feeling of terror , kind of like the terrifying feeling that came over me when I noticed that I was being followed by Leo Hoffmister 's pickup truck . Great . Behind me were Eileen and Leo . Leo of course being the lap dog that he was , was driving . Eileen was sitting in the passenger seat . They knew . They knew I had spread those rumors . Who else could have ? No one . I was their only visitor in their new house . I ran as fast as I could down the street , their old blue pickup truck continuing to cruise after me . I eventually veered off the sidewalk and into the woods . I ran faster than I ever had in my life , that night . Dashing through the woods , I looked back over my shoulder to see their truck , which was parked on the side of the road next to the woods . Holy shit , I thought . I am dead . These people are nuts . Unfortunately , looking at their truck parked , I did not see the fallen tree trunk in the middle of my path . And , as you probably guessed , I tripped over it , knocking every last bit of air out of my lungs when I hit the ground . I crawled , gasping and wheezing for air . And the next thing I knew , the menacing figure of Eileen was standing over me . She looked so frightening in the moonlight , her gray , stringy hair being illuminated as the rest of her face remained dark and hidden . Even more frightening was when she held out my pirate hat and dropped it into my lap . Great , that was strike two for sticking my nose where it didn 't belong , and somehow I got the feeling that I wasn 't getting a third . " Awwww , Patrick , you took a nasty fall , " sneered Eileen . " Let us take you to our new house and take care of you , there . We 'll make you feel healed and new ! " I pleaded with her , telling her that I was fine and I needed to be home . Of course , she didn 't listen . The witch clutched my wrist and dragged me out of the forest , over to their truck . I was dead meat . I was so freaking dead . Well , I would have been if it hadn 't been for a passing neighbor , who caught the two in the act of forcing me into their truck . Eileen and Leo managed to bullshit their way out of the situation , before getting in their truck and quickly driving away , leaving me behind . I went home and told my parents about the entire ordeal . The cops were called , yet after several days of searching , they were stumped as to the location of the Hoffmisters . According to them , they weren 't at their old house , nor had they been to their new one . No record of apartments or hotel rooms were on file , either . Those demon - worshipping , child - abusing scum had vanished off the grid . I was fine with that , and decided to try and get on with my life , hopefully never even having to think about the Hoffmisters again . However , it wasn 't long before I began noticing some weird shit going on around my neighborhood . What do I mean by that , you ask ? First off , there were a couple of instances where I would see a kid on the street , walking up the road in a trance - like state . And where did they walk to ? Why , none other than up that damn hill and into the dreaded Hoffmister home . Keep in mind that I was paranoid at the time , and my bedroom window looked right out onto the street , so I was the only one noticing this stuff , at least the only one in my house . I tried telling my parents , but they were just annoyed by it , telling me to " Quit letting my fears get the best of me " . I still haven 't forgiven them for it to this day . Then again , all I want right now is to tell them I forgive them . The strange occurrences then began to take an even scarier turn . One night , I woke up to hear the whispering of my little sister , Nancy . I got out of bed to have a look . As I walked down the hall , toward her room , I began to make out what she was saying , things like " Uh huh " , and " Okay , I 'll go " . I opened her door just in time to see her standing on her knees in her bed , staring out the window . However , that wasn 't the scary part . The scary part was seeing a scrawny , female shadow being projected onto Nancy 's bedroom wall by the moonlight . The second I called out to Nancy , the shadow seemed to scurry off . I rushed over to Nancy , asking her who she was talking to . My little sister hadn 't the faintest idea of what I was talking about . I told my parents , and this time , my dad jumped out of bed at the prospect of someone standing outside of Nancy 's window . However , he went outside to find no one . Well , I began to run my mouth again ( you 'd think I would have learned the first time around ) to my brothers . Darren and Bryce , along with their friends , started to develop a newfound interest in all this " Eileen - talk " . Something about that creepy place at the end of the street amused them , gave them a rush . They loved that type of stuff . Another thing to know about Darren and Bryce was that they had a knack for sneaking out of the house on Saturday nights , something my parents hated , but never really took enough action to prevent . And sure enough , my brothers and their friends snuck out one Saturday night to check out the old Hoffmister house . This time however , I wouldn 't accompany them . But I sure came to know about it , because after my brothers went missing that night , one of their friends ( who was smart enough to get out of there early on ) told me about it . The police went over to the Hoffmister home , search - warrant and all , to investigate . They found nothing there . Nothing . However , as usual , I continued to be the one making the terrifying discoveries . This time , it was a VHS tape that I found sticking out of the VCR in my room one morning . Popping the tape in , the first thing I saw on the TV screen was a static shot of a cellar . The cellar was so dark and dingy - looking , almost like a dungeon . Suddenly , the camera began to jiggle around a bit , and whoever was picking it up , pointed it at none other than my brother , Darren . Darren was tied down to a chair , unconscious , looking bruised , battered , and abused . The loud yell from the cameraperson jolted Darren awake . The cameraperson was Eileen . She began to laugh sickly as Darren came to his senses , immediately beginning to cry . Who the hell would do this to another human being , I thought . That was my brother , too . I watched in horror as she continued to verbally torment Darren , eventually getting physical with him , smacking him in his face , his chest , and eventually his groin area . This woman was a sick , filthy pedophile . It wasn 't until I saw Eileen begin to pull a sickle out of her pocket that I shut the tape off . Part of me wanted to go on . I had to know if Darren was dead , but couldn 't watch . I couldn 't bear to witness my brother get tortured like that . I rushed upstairs to my parents room , leaving the VHS in the cassette player . However , my parents were gone . They had vanished . Oh shit , I thought . Am I next ? Well , when I walked downstairs , I stopped dead in my tracks on the stairwell . My blood ran cold as I noticed Eileen Hoffmister , in my room , carefully removing the VHS tape from my VCR with latex gloves . She caught my stare . I swear , the second we made eye contact , my heart skipped a beat . She grinned at me and waved , saying , " I 'll be back for you two , tonight . " And just like that , the witch climbed out my window , and was gone . I rushed to Nancy 's bedroom , now frightened out of my wits . Oh , thank god , Nancy was still there . She was sleeping soundly , that is until I woke her up . I ran in screaming and crying , probably scaring the poor girl to death . I didn 't tell her about the video tape . I just told the police . That night , our neighbor , Betty , frail old woman , babysat us at our house . No one had a clue where the heck our parents were . Outside of our home were two police officers , keeping watch over the house . Betty was always a great neighbor , such a nice old lady . The nicest woman you 'd ever meet . I 'm sure she 's in heaven , right now . If she didn 't go to heaven , well then I don 't know who possibly could . Anyways , I was pretty antsy that night , even with cops guarding the house . And I unfortunately was antsy for very good reason . When the sun went down , I heard our back door open and close . Was it my parents ? I suddenly got very excited , rushing to the door to see them . However , all that was there was one person 's muddy footprints on my floor . Something wasn 't right . But no one could have gotten into the house , could they ? The cops were outside . I rushed upstairs to get Betty . Running into my parents ' bedroom , I heard the shower running . Banging on the door , I called to Betty to try and get her attention . No answer . Then , I realized nobody showers with their hearing aid in . Oh no . That 's when I heard Nancy scream downstairs . I rushed downstairs , really not wanting to go into her room , but I knew I had to . When I got to her room . . . yep , you guessed it . She was gone , window flung open . Where the hell were the cops ? Taking matters into my own hands , I got my shoes and ran out the door . Running down the street , my eyes adjusted to the darkness just in time to see Nancy , entering the forest . The same forest that lies next to the hill upon which the dreaded Hoffmister home sits . I called out to her , desperately . But she was in a trance , just like those other kids I had seen . But no , no one would believe me then . Mustering up every ounce of courage I had , I ran after Nancy as she disappeared into the darkness of the woods . I ran deep into the dark forest , my feet making loud crunching noises on the gravel path beneath me . Catching up to Nancy , I pleaded and begged her to come to . She couldn 't snap out of it . I began pulling her away , but she continued to walk deeper into the woods . Then , to make matters worse , I spotted Eileen , who was about 30 - 40 feet down the path from us . I couldn 't snap Nancy out of this damn trance . I 'll never forget the way her eyes looked . Hypnotized and dialated . It reminded me of the trance that the snake , Kaa , from The Jungle Book put people in . Out of pure desperation , I reared back and slapped Nancy in the face , finally snapping her out of the trance . She had no idea what the hell was going on , she just knew to run from Eileen . Eileen immediately broke into a run after us . I 'd never seen a woman in her 60 's run that fast . Faster and faster we ran . We were getting away until Nancy 's nightgown got caught on a tree branch . I tugged and tugged at her nightgown , desperately trying to free her . Eileen got closer and closer , snickering sickly under her breath . When Eileen got within about 15 feet of us , Nancy 's gown finally tore away from that damn tree branch . We darted to the exit of the woods , rushing out onto the street . I looked back over my shoulder , just in time to see Eileen turn around and disappear into the darkness of the woods . We looked around on the street , trying to find the police car that was supposed to be guarding our house . When we finally found them they didn 't even realize we were missing . The morons were smoking freaking Cubans instead of guarding our house from kidnappers . Unbelievable . I had never felt so neglected and unprotected in my life . My parents were gone , and now the police weren 't even looking after me . The idiotic officers went and got Betty , driving the three of us down to the police station . Finally , a place I 'd be safe , right ? Trying to explain to the cops that my sister was placed under some kind of voodoo hypnotism spell was like talking to a brick wall . Some cops are so ignorant , not open - minded at all . That 's something I don 't miss about Earth . People in authority were such douche bags . At least Betty agreed to stay the night there with us . See what I 'm talking about ? Nicest lady you 'd ever meet . At some point , I fell asleep in the police station , and so did Betty and Nancy . What we woke up to was not at all what anyone ever wants to wake up to . Outside of the station , a roar filled the air . The roar was like nothing I had ever heard . That roar sounded like it came straight from the mouth of Hell . The screams of policemen filled the air outside as we listened , scared for our lives . It wasn 't until the roaring died down and the screaming stopped that we dared look out the window , and let me say , it wasn 't a pleasant sight . Dozens of bodies were just scattered all over the parking lot . And here we were , tucked in a room in the back of the station , helpless . Nancy , Betty , and I crept down the halls of the station , trying to find an exit . We passed an office just in time to get a look at one of the computer monitors , one that had CTV footage being fed to it . What we saw on the monitor was shocking : Eileen , ripping a side - door of the station off of its hinges . What was even more shocking was her face . Her eyes were demonic , her skin rotted and scarred like a zombie . Her teeth looked grotesque , as if she had meth - mouth or something . Why the hell did she look like that ? Now , I know the answer . She was possessed . That sick witch had willingly conjured up a spell to get herself possessed , just to get her hands on us . The witch ripped the door off of its hinges , rushing down the hallway toward us . She had us cornered in the office . And Betty , oh God , poor Betty . I couldn 't believe my eyes . Eileen just picked Betty up by the throat , taunting her . It wasn 't until Betty began to utter the Lord 's Prayer that Eileen was sent into a fit of rage , pinning Betty to the wall and tearing her limb from limb . Right in front of Nancy and me , too . Looking back , I can 't even believe a 5 - year - old girl was forced to watch something so awful . I had never seen anything so terrible ( of course now , I 've seen a billion times worse ) . Well , after Betty was slowly disemboweled , Eileen collected Nancy and me . Leo drove up to the police station , and into the blue truck we went , no neighbor to save us this time . Before I knew it , I was back at the awful place known as the Hoffmister home . No furniture this time , no creepy portraits , no lights on . Just an empty shell of pure evil . Eileen and Leo took us into the living room , where they began to bicker with one another . Leo wanted to " Have his fun " with Nancy , but Eileen told him to wait . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . I wanted to get up and rip his head off . If only I could have . To this day I wish I could have beat the hell out of that sick bastard . During this , I started to wonder where David was . Probably meeting the same fate my brothers and their friends did . And my parents . Oh god , please tell me they didn 't , too . The rotten creep threw himself upon Nancy . I rushed at him , attempting to stop him . All I accomplished was getting a backhand to the face . When Eileen intervened , telling him he needed to wait , she received a punch to the jaw . Well , that was a horrible idea on Leo 's part . Did that moron forget his wife was possessed ? Eileen grabbed Leo , picking him up by the back of his neck . Nancy and I took our chance , and ran away . Of course , the front door was right in the path of Eileen , so we had to run deeper into the house to find another way out . I looked back over my shoulder just in time to see Eileen begin to bite down hard on her husband 's face , chewing it like a dog on a bone . Leo 's cries of pain were both horrifying and reassuring to me . He deserved what he got . Nancy and I rushed through the house , desperately trying to find a way out . Why 'd that house have to be so big ? It was like a maze , and the fact that we could hear Eileen 's demonic growling as she desperately tried to relocate us , well , that didn 't help either . Finally , we found a window that looked out over the side of the hill . I quickly unlocked it , hearing Eileen 's footsteps grow nearer and nearer . There was a screen on the window , and I reared back and threw my hands into it , tearing it . guided Nancy out , all the while listening to the haunting sounds of Eileen 's feet hitting the wood floors . As Nancy jumped out , I yelled at her to run . I didn 't have to tell her twice . As I began making my way out of the window , I suddenly felt the hand ( claw ? ) of Eileen grab my shoulder . I screamed out , but no one was coming to help . Eileen picked me up with the strength of an Olympic strongman , carrying me down the hallway and over to the basement . No , please no , I thought . Not the basement . Please not the basement . Well , basement it was , as Eileen flung open the door and carried me down into the musty cellar . She got to the bottom of the stairs , clutching me in her arms , and flicked a light on . Immediately , a grisly figure was displayed by the dim light of the basement . It was a 7 - foot tall statue of the devil himself , complete with ram horns , ghoulish eyes , saber - teeth , forked tail , and hooved feet . This was what they were bowing down to that night . It must have been . But now it was in the basement . Eileen plopped me down in a wooden chair so that I was face to face with this horrible statue . She tied me down . This time , it really is it , I thought . Eileen then pulled out a black book with some sort of satanic symbol on the front of it . I tried begging and pleading with her , telling her I was sorry for the rumors I spread . I even offered to tell the whole town that I was lying , and that the tales were made up . Why did I even bother ? Eileen was having none of it . I then began to cry , asking her why she had to kill my brothers and my parents . Once I said this , Eileen developed a confused expression on her face . And that 's when the awful truth was revealed . Out from the dark corner of the basement , behind the statue , came my parents , my brothers , their friends , and those kids I had seen walking into the house . David was also among them . But they walked in a zombie - like manner . When they all stepped into the light , I saw into their pitch - black , possessed eyes . Those horrible eyes were not the eyes of the people I knew . They all looked dirty and abused , and their skin looked like it had begun to decay . Eileen grinned with glee at this sight . Eileen opened the black book and began reciting incantations . The zombies , the people I once knew , encircled me and began reciting with Eileen . I pleaded with my brothers , with David , with my parents , but it was no use . They were lost . Suddenly , the statue 's life - like lips began to quiver intensely . I thought I was dreaming . It 's funny , when something like this happens , all you think to yourself is " Holy crap , is this really happening ? " The statue 's eyelids began to quiver as well , before opening to reveal pitch - black eyes . The eyes began to glow a vibrant red , just as the statue 's jaw began to unhinge . And then , a loud roar erupted from the statue . This roar was even worse than Eileen 's demonic roar , louder and much deeper . White mist in the shape of a human skull started to rise up from behind the statue as Eileen shouted in English . I screamed a bloodcurdling scream as the mist made a beeline for me , shooting straight into my mouth , down my throat . I screamed as I felt the evil spirit make its way into my belly , wriggling around in my insides . My high - pitched screams slowly began to grow deeper and deeper , turning into a demonic roar . This is what it felt like to become possessed . I was Eileen 's now . But even worse , I was Lucifer 's . The last months of my life were agonizing as I lost myself , lost who I was as a person . I became the evil zombie slave of Eileen Hoffmister , working to serve the devil himself . It was like a dream , I was in control of my actions , but I wasn 't at the same time . My slave labor ended when my body began to slowly decay . That was when Eileen disposed of me , likely going on to replace me with another poor child . And that is why I am where I am , now . It doesn 't make sense to me at all . I don 't deserve to be in this place . Sure , I lived out the last moments of my life serving God 's adversary , but it wasn 't my choice . Why , then , am I here ? Some sort of mistake ? Did Heaven run out of space , or does everyone just go here ? Are my parents here , too ? My brothers ? Perhaps that is the worst part . I am not even granted the answers to these questions . I just live in total darkness , and extreme heat . Regardless , I know it is Eileen 's fault I am here . It 's all Eileen 's fault . It was Eileen who stole me from Heaven 's true light . And that is why , from Hell I write . |
On a cold February day , the uncle came into the cafe with his nephew and sat at the table by the large window . Faith served them . We knew she and the uncle had grown up on opposite sides of the village . It was a small place , and there was very little we missed . The uncle 's family used to live over the bridge . Through the cafe window Faith would have been able to see the silver sparkle of the railings in the sun or the rain swallowing it whole . " Lording over the town , " her mother said when Faith renovated the small building and enlarged the front window . We 'd known the uncle since he was a skinny boy with dark brooding eyes and pent up energy from too many ideas in his head . He and his brother used to have us harassed in the housing estate . They were hardly out of nappies when Mrs . Lavin found them washing her husband 's car with sponges bigger than themselves , and she was told it wouldn 't cost extra if she wanted the interior cleaned . In all kinds of weather we 'd be sure to get a knock on the door and find the Hurley brothers looking to earn a pound , as if we 'd had any to spare . We knew of their plans to go to London , and they might have made something of themselves if their father hadn 't died and the mother hadn 't taken ill , so the brother was left to take care of her and Dick had to go alone . By the time he was leaving , our children had university degrees . They were teachers , lawyers , and accountants , yet we had no choice but to send them off on the boats in search of jobs . The brain drain they called it , when it was our hearts drifting away . They 'd come home for Christmas , and Dick would be with them , disheveled and skinny with dirty jeans and calloused hands from the buildings and a new liking for drink that we tried to ignore . Sunday at mass , shaking hands during the sign of peace , we 'd avoid looking at his red eyes and stubble chin . At his brother 's funeral he was clean shaven and trembling from the want of it . He sat in the same pew as his nephew and sister - in - law , and the space between could only be measur " Oh , " she said , " London . " He said , no , that wasn 't it , and she nodded without listening . The back door was opened , but people paused inside . There was a tension to the uncle and Faith that no one thought fit to disturb . She said , " Things happen . You can 't wish your life away . " The uncle 's eyes narrowed . He said he wasn 't the one wishing his life away , staying cooped up in a bloody café day and night . He said he wasn 't stuck in the past , either , talking about fucking London as if that was important now . That wasn 't what he 'd meant at all . His brother had stayed out late with him . He 'd been tired because of him . " So don 't talk about things happening . " Faith winced with his outburst and had to hold back tears , while Dick 's explosion exhausted him . His shoulders slumped . He took out a cigarette and was about to light it when Faith walked away , and he yanked the cigarette from his mouth . His dark eyes were pleading on her retreating back , but she was gone before he thought of anything to say . We felt sorry for them then , children whose dreams had gone to ruin . When Faith was a girl , her café had been a clothes shop . Bright hats with feathers and trims were on display in the window . Faith wasn 't able to pass without gazing inside . Her reflection , petite and long - haired with shabby jeans or school uniform , made the merchandise more exotic . The shop was owned by Mrs . Reilly , a tall , regal woman with bobbed silver hair and a Northern accent . Eventually when Faith was 13 , she invited the girl in . There 'd been no need for her to go into that shop before that . Faith 's mother tended towards smocks and long skirts and laughed at the frills and nonsense . The interior of the shop was small and dark . Faith was inclined to stay near the door . " They 're like sweets , " Faith told Mrs . Reilly when the latter asked why she was so enthralled with the hats . Mrs . Reilly laughed and said she 'd never seen bonbons as big as that before . And Faith said , " No , I mean pastries . " To Mrs . Reilly she confided her dream of owning a shop with cakes towering in the window , so every time we saw her on the street we thought of the pastries rising like waterfalls and colored like gems . After finishing school , for seven years she worked in the civil service in Dublin and saved her money . On her return home , the grimy , cob - webbed O ' Reilly window showed her reflection : no taller , but less dream - like and more set in the mouth . It wasn 't the shop we 'd imagined . In Dublin , there were places like the bakery on Henry Street with sellers crying their wares and crowds every day of the week , and a store on Middle Abbey Street , which was close enough to O ' Connell Street and Dublin bridge to have pedestrians stFaith kept her distance , though she must have wondered if we knew about Dublin . From watching the village she 'd have understood she didn 't need to say something aloud for people to know . There could have been a silent witness to her life in the city where she 'd lived in the shabby one bedroom apartment . A bed - sit would have been cheaper and let her save quicker , but to live without a kitchen would have been torture . Before she 'd left , she 'd already had the tools of the trade - mixer , whipping siphon , spraying gun to name a few - and she 'd spent evenings in Dublin experimenting with different ingredients , such as avocado creamed like butter for icing on a chocolate cake , natural sweet beets in batter of a sponge cake , parsnips in carrot cake for added spiciness . Each day , she 'd have something to bring in to her colleagues in the office , but she never shared her ingredients until he sat beside her on the bus . He was broad with fair hair and sparkling blue eyes . His face had the ruddy complexion of a farmer , and his voice was surprisingly soft and gentle . The accent was hard to place . He told her Wexford and that he had no family . His hands were small and well - kept with square shaped nails . The cake on her knees was the first thing he pointed to , and she told him it was a chocolate potato cake . Maybe it was this that endeared him to her , the simple sharing of her secrets that would go on every morning on the bus , or it might have been his enthusiasm to taste the cake when she 'd seen the doubt in his eyes . Regardless , after many tastings he asked to see her kitchen , " where the magic happened . " She brought him , and so their love affair began . When it ended , she tried to recall details of that first bus ride and wondered if there were something in her face or composure that told him she would be easy to fool . How did he know she would not demand reasons for his cancelled dates or his departure from her bed in the early hours of the morning ? " I need to be closer to work , " he 'd say , and she demurred without a fight . She was 23 , and he was in his thirties . A lawyer , he never knew when a case would come up and he 'd be smothered with it . When his phone was off for two days in a row , he 'd arrive at her flat full of apologies and promises to make it up . He 'd tell her he had to work hard and make sacrifices for their future . He talked about children . They 'd have a son and daughter , he said , and once the babies were old enough , she would start the bakery she 'd always wanted . She baked for him all the time : angel cake with sponge that melted in his mouth , strawberry trifle with homemade vanilla pudding , apple tarts with a taste of cinnamon , frosted chocolate layer cake that he couldn 't stop eating . They 'd had so many dinners and conversations while his real life had been put on silent . He 'd had two phones . His wife found his second one in his glove compartment and phoned the only number on it . Faith became haunted by the woman 's faltering voice . Not one memory was left unscathed with the notion of ' his wife 's constant presence . She 'd sat at the table with them while they ate in dark restaurants . She 'd lain between them in bed while they talked and touched . She was a specter that Faith could not get rid of . If Faith didn 't want to walk around the city that had been fouled by his lies , if she 'd felt deceived and dirty , how could the woman to whom he 'd said , " I do , " survive ? The thought of losing so much was terrifying , so Faith moved home and watched us in the dark . She was not prepared for the uncle and nephew . The uncle kept his head bowed when they slipped quietly into the café and took their seats . They were both dark haired and skinny with long fingers . The uncle 's eyes were large , the boy 's smaller and more pensive . His gaze was held on the table when the uncle asked , " Is it a ham sandwich you want ? " The by - pass had brought a subdued quiet to the village , and there was no one working in the café besides the kitchen porter , so Faith had no choice but to serve the uncle herself . He smiled at her and said Hello , Faith , but she kept her gaze fixed on her notebook and said , " What can I get you ? " The uncle ordered . He didn 't take his suit jacket off and looked strained . Behind him was a dry day . A few teenagers were hanging out in front of the Fast Food Restaurant , a mother was trying to drag her two - year - old into Spar , and the boy and uncle looked like a painting in front of the scene . They were so still , the boy with his hands tucked under the table , the uncle watching him with a soft hopelessness and his narrow shoulders declining downwards . From the kitchen Faith heard the uncle 's mumbling and nothing from the boy . We knew the boy 's mother had not spoken to the uncle until his brother 's quarry accident brought an end to his drinking , but seeing the boy , it was easy to imagine how he would have clung to her until she 'd felt smothered and phoned the only other family they had . They ate their sandwiches quietly . The uncle asked what the boy would like to do next , and the boy shrugged . He had yet to look up and reached for his glass of Fanta with his head down , only for the glass to topple sideways and spill its contents over the table . The uncle sat rigid , staring at the spillage as if was a living thing . When Faith came to help , he smiled sadly at her , and she couldn 't help nodding back . The second week wasn 't much different , only it was raining lightly and on arrival their hair sparkled with silver drops . The boy sat in a tight , angry ball . The uncle stared out the windThe boy nodded and might have mumbled a yes . Faith was at the counter writing . She kept her head down when the uncle started , " Long ago , in a place called Cong in County Mayo , there lived a young woman . She was about to marry the king 's son whom she loved very much , but he was killed by in a fight . " " What kind of fight ? " the boy asked . The uncle shrugged and said he wasn 't sure , but it was a bad one , and everyone in the village was very sorry for the lady . One day she disappeared , and the villagers thought the fairy people had taken her away . Then they noticed a white trout in the lake . This was strange because a white trout had never before been seen in the area . " Was it her ? " the boy asked . The uncle winked and said he 'd find out soon enough . He said the villagers watched the white trout for many generations , and it never changed its appearance or its habits . The people thought the trout must be a magic fish and always treated it with great respect . But a stranger came one day and caught the fish . The boy 's dark eyes had widened . He looked scared . Faith held her pen but had forgotten to keep writing as she listened to the uncle describe the fire the stranger built to cook the fish . The stranger put the fish on a skillet and kept it there over the scalding heat , but the trout wouldn 't brown . No matter how long it was in the skillet , it stayed white . The stranger wasn 't too worried . He thought he 'd eat it anyway and got his knife and fork . The uncle paused and the two figures at the table seemed to move closer . " The stranger cut into the fish , " the uncle said . The boy was like stone . " And he heard a loud scream , and before him was a beautiful woman . ' Look what you 've done ! ' she says to him . ' I 'm bleeding . And why did you take me out of the lake ? I 'm waiting for my love , so you need to throw me back in immediately . ' The stranger said he couldn 't throw a beautiful woman back into the lake . She told him he 'd better , or she 'd haunt him forever , and at that she turned back into the white trout . The stranger raced to the lake with her and put her back into the water , where there was a stain of red from her cut . And to this day all trout have a red mark on their side . " He couldn 't have been much more than seven , but there was a seriousness in his eyes that belonged to an older man . " Do what ? " the uncle asked . " Wait for him when he died . Doesn 't she know he 's not coming back ? " " I don 't know , " the uncle said , and his glance towards Faith made her shoulders straighten and a flash of heat appear on her cheeks . It would have been easy for her imagine the talk , poor Faith Wheeler coming back from Dublin heartbroken and staying in her café and waiting for some lost love . Her strides towards the table were quick and urgent . The uncle and nephew were startled when Faith slammed down their bill . To the uncle , she said , " Not all women spend their time waiting . " The nephew stared up at her . His dark eyes held surprise and a little fear . God , he was a nervous child , and the uncle gazed up at her with soft apology . " It 's just a story , " he said . We knew she didn 't believe that when the lights in the kitchen burned all night and the front window held no figure of a woman . It was getting bright by the time she had the last cake out of the oven . She was first to mass . We noticed her at the top of the church , sitting erect with flour in her hair . It wasn 't a surprise when the priest made the announcement that there would be a giant cake sale . Faith was barely in the café door before we started to arrive . We bought chocolate cake with buttermilk cream , lemon cake with marshmallow frosting , gooey butter cake , bite - sized strawberry trifle , and almond honey cake , to name a few . The uncle was among us . It was March , the day fair and bright , yet he wore a long coat and didn 't step into the café . He watched us come and go with pastries hiding our faces , and when he saw the nephew approach hand in hand with his mother , he walked away . The next week was a blue - sky day with a slight breeze . The morning was slow going . Faith kept glancing at the clock , though we weren 't sure what drew her eyes there , until it reached 2 : 15 and she stood at the counter with a hardened gaze and her attention on the window . " Of course they are . Sean married one . " The boy looked out the window towards the river . The uncle started to tell him about the three fishermen coming along the coast one evening . The sun was just about to set , and they were hungry and tired and looking forward to getting home . Sean was the first around a bend in the road . He stopped so suddenly , the others bumped into him , and the three stared at the most beautiful woman they had ever seen . Sean said she was a selkie . " Look , there 's her skin lying on the rock beside her . " The boy was watching his uncle with a frown . He seemed closer to the table than the previous weeks and not so tight in the shoulders , but his hands were hidden under the table and gave the impression he would have liked to hide . The uncle had his jacket off , and the rolled up sleeves gave him the look of determination or settling into a task he wasn 't sure he was capable of , though he seemed a little more at ease when he thanked Faith for the sandwiches . " Sean 's friends agreed she had to be a selkie , " he said after he took a first bite of the sandwich . Faith had retreated to the counter and pretended to be busy with menus . Her gaze was constantly pulled to the table . A blue sky pushed against the window , and the boy ate in tidy bites . " So Sean crept forward and grabbed the seal 's skin . He held it tightly with both hands when the woman looked up with a sad expression on her face . ' Will you not give my skin back ? ' she asked sadly . " Faith was staring at the uncle now . His hair was growing too long for a politician . There was a boyish excitement in the way he leaned forward . The uncle told the boy that selkies were supposed to make the best wives , and Sean wanted her to be his , so he said no , he wouldn 't give back the skin . The selkie said she would miss the sea , but she had no choice . The boy 's mouth had opened . He took a sip of his Fanta . Everything he did was slow and thoughtful . The uncle continued , " They were married three days later , and Sean locked the selky 's skin in a strong chest and kept the key on a chain around his neck . Sean 's fortunes improved as soon as he was married , and in no time he owned his own fishing fleet . His wife gave him three strong sons and two beautiful daughters . Sean was very happy , but his wife spent as much time as she could by the sea with her own people . Eventually Sean decided his family had to move to a bigger house . The day they were leaving , Sean 's wife went into the house to take a last look around . In one corner , she noticed the chest . It was so old , it was easy to break the lid . She couldn 't believe her luck . She quickly searched through it and found her skin . She ran out the door and raced down to the sea . She heard Sean chasing after her and shouting his love . But , before he could catch her , she threw on her skin . In front of his eyes , she changed back into her seal form and swam far out to sea . " The silence was thick and seemed to descend on the boy . He was watching his uncle and didn 't ease when the uncle smiled . " What happened ? " the nephew finally said . The uncle shook his head . When he glanced at Faith , she dropped her gaze . She would have known the end of the story . The selkie disappeared and never came back . The boy 's dark eyes searched his uncle 's . " Sean moved to his house , " the uncle said , and Faith looked helplessly at the boy . She might have wanted to tell the boy that the selkie came back every week to visit her family and everyone was happy , but it wasn 't true , so she was left to look at the two figures at the small table , so alike in their falling posture and dark hair yet miles apart from each other . We didn 't think it was anger that kept her baking all night , but a heavy regret that wouldn 't let her sit still . She phoned her kitchen porter in the morning to help her clean up , and he whistled when he saw the piles of cakes along the sideboards : chocolate pound cakes , banana cakes , Neapolitan cheese cake , confetti cakes with chocolate filling , and gingerbread men were only the half of it . Once again she got to the church before mass and asked the priest to announce the cake sale . She was the first to walk out with her head held high and chocolate sauce on her cheek . There were more customers than the week before . Children played outside , hopping off the pavement as we fought for our cakes . We quieted when we saw the boy 's mother arrive holding the boy 's hand . She was tall and broad - shouldered with short , graying hair and a reluctant smile . She bought gingerbread men . The uncle did not come . " Don 't you like cakes ? " Faith said the next week . The window seat was taken , and the table by the wall made the boy and uncle look caged in . He looked surprised . His dark eyes lingered on her a moment before he said he did , but he didn 't like early mass . " Will the cake sale be every Sunday ? " he said . She said it might . The orders were taken , and Faith looked nervous to hear what story the uncle might share . It seemed to be digging a hole for him , taking the boy further away , but it was hard to imagine the uncle doing anything else . When he started to tell the boy about the giant Finn McCool in the North and his ongoing feud with the Scottish giant Benandonner , Faith smiled . It was impossible to think a boy would dislike this story . The uncle said , " Benandonner wanted to fight Finn and decided to cross the sea for him . The whole land shock with his steps , and Finn and his wife Oonagh knew it was a battle he would never win . " " How big was he ? " The boy said oh . " When the giant got to Ireland , he roared for Finn . Oonagh ran out to him and asked him to hush now , be quiet , my baby is in bed . " The boy was sitting straight . His chair was an inch from the table , and his head was cocked . He didn 't look at Faith when she slid the plates in front of them . The uncle 's narrow shoulders were bent over when he said that Oonagh had gotten Finn to lie in the cot and pretend to be their baby . When Benandonner saw the size of the baby , he got a bit of a shock . The boy laughed . " Oonagh invited him to stay for lunch , " the uncle went on . " And baked bread with stones and said it was her husband 's favorite , but when Benandonner ate some , three of his teeth broke . The poor fella needed to clear his head after that , and Oonagh brought him outside where the garden was scattered with boulders as big as the giant . Finn likes to play catch with those boulders she said . He flings them over the Fort and runs to catch them before they land . Benandonner tried to lift one but could barely move it an inch . He was scared of Finn , who could eat stones for lunch and throw boulders miles and had a baby half the size of Benandonner himself , so he thanked Oonagh for her hospitality and said he needed to get back before the tide turned . " Silence , and the boy said , " Did he ever came back ? " " Not that I know of , " said the uncle . " But what if he came back ? " The boy was sitting forward with wide - eyed worry , his hands gripping the armrest . Faith stepped forward . " They 'll be friends if he comes back , " she said . Now , we could tell you about the weeks of stories that followed and the cakes Faith continued to bake on Saturday nights and her growing pride as she walked out of mass on Sunday mornings . But we don 't recall the particulars of the stories or how long it took before Faith stopped doing sandwiches to concentrate on what she loved . She kept the kitchen porter on , and he surprised her with how well he took to baking , but that is beside the point . What is important is that before the bakery took off and people started travelling from miles around , the uncle and nephew stopped coming . Faith spent two Saturdays standing at the café counter until her legs grew stiff . There was a good reason for their failure to come : the nephew took ill and was unable to leave the house , or the mother decided to get away for a while and took the son with her . We don 't recall the specifics . No one does . It was the sight of Faith Wheeler sitting in her bright café late at night that people still talk about . With the light shining over her , she was as still as a statue . No one knew she was waiting until Dick Hurley walked through her door . When he did , she stood for him . The street was quiet then , not a soul in sight , so we are not sure who was the first to see Faith Wheeler and Dick Hurley alone , but there must have been a witness . |
It was difficult to start the grieving process and I didn 't know how I was ever going to feel better again , but I clung to God and spent hours a day crying and praying for help . There were times when I would feel so horribly devastated that I would pray for God to end my life . I knew that it was a selfish prayer and I wanted to be strong for Jonathan and all of my family , but the pain felt like too much to stand and I didn 't know how I would ever feel happy again . One day as I was sitting on my bed feeling sad , I started to feel overwhelmed by the details of the death of my rabbit Buttercup ( remember how I said Buttercup died on September 4th ? in the beginning of the story ) and our Baby M . Suddenly an image appeared in my head of a beautiful baby boy with blonde hair and the most precious smile . He was giggling and petting a very healthy looking Buttercup . I have never seen such a perfect image before in my life and I was taken aback by the glorious beauty of it . It felt like God was gifting me with a vision from Heaven of our baby and Buttercup , but I couldn 't help but doubt myself . I started crying tears of happiness thinking of the happiness and joy of my precious baby . A few days later , I was looking through old pictures and found a picture of me as a baby walking around with my mom 's swimsuit over my head . I was laughing and smiling and as I looked at the picture , I realized that the baby I had a vision of , had the same facial features and smile as me . I then realized that I did not make this up in my head , but that it was in fact a gift from God . A beautiful vision of our baby boy and precious Buttercup . I of course shared the details with Jonathan and it brought him joy as well to know that Baby M is safe and happy with Jesus . We decided that we wanted to honor the babies that we lost and we started by giving them names . We named our first baby , who we felt was a girl , Abiygale , and we named our second Baby , Matthew . We also felt led to sponsor a child through Compassion as a way to remember our babies . As I was looking through the profiles of children on the Compassion website , I couldn 't figure out how I was going to pick a child . How could I possibly pick one child when I wanted to pick all of them ? During a time when I was feeling hopeless and completely lost , God brought us to the wonderful organization Compassion , and gave us the opportunity to be able to sponsor a child . Through Abigail , the memory of our babies ' lives on and it has been an amazing blessing to have her in our lives . We enjoy writing letters to her and especially receiving letters from her . We pray for her and her family every night and we are also honored to have them pray for us as well . Though I question God more times than I am ashamed to admit , I know that He has the power to make beautiful things out of the wreckage . During times in life when we lose someone we love , it can seem hopeless and you might even feel like giving up , but I want you to know that in those moments when you are alone , when you feel like you have nothing and no one , you have a Savior named Christ who is waiting with open arms to heal you . He loves you . He cares for you . He died for you . He forgives you . He wants a relationship with you . You can trust in Jesus and you can trust that He has the power to restore what was lost . He has the power to end evil and death and sadness . Someday Christ will return and when He does , there will be no more sadness , no more tears , no more death or mourning . There will only be love and happiness . Enduring the pain and suffering in this life is worth it because God has something better ahead for us . I was relieved to finally be home but the relief didn 't last long . That night I started to have contractions . The next morning the contractions had stopped and I was hopeful that the worst of the pain was over . I sent my husband to go get lunch before he left for work , but within a few minutes , I had to call him back home . I tried to remain calm but it hurt so badly and I felt so very violated and horribly embarrassed . Blood was everywhere . It looked like a murder scene . My husband didn 't know what to say to me , but his face looked terrified . I can 't imagine what he was thinking in that moment . After the doctor and nurse finished the examination , they left the room so that I could clean myself up . I looked all around at the mess of blood throughout the room . In the trash can . On the pad on the table . On me . It looked like death and I realized that it was death . It was the death of my baby M and he had died inside of me . The nurse was beyond compassionate and she went above and beyond to take good care of me . She shared with me that she had also suffered a miscarriage and was deeply sorry for what I was going through . She was bright light in a dark period of time in my life and I will always remember her kindness . As they pulled up the image and determined that everything had passed naturally , my husband Jonathan started to cry . I think he still held some kind of hope that maybe a miracle would happen and our baby 's heart would start to beat . I hated seeing him in pain and I wished so badly that I could give him that miracle . That I could somehow will all of this to stop happening and will our baby to keep living within me . But Baby M was gone and there was nothing anyone could do . About an hour after getting my blood taken , I received a phone call from my doctor . She explained to me that my platelet levels were low yesterday and they had dropped even lower today and that I needed to get over to the emergency room right away . She said that the hematology department would start work to see what was going on . I got off the phone feeling extremely confused and spoke with Jonathan . We quickly packed a few things to take and headed out the door . I called my parents and tried my best to explain everything the doctor told me , but I really had no clue what to expect . I didn 't really know what platelets were , but the fact that I was heading to the emergency room because of blood levels scared me . I was thinking , " Do I have cancer or something horrible ? Am I about to die ? " The doctor explained to me that platelets were blood cells that help the blood to clot and stop blood loss . In a normal person , platelet levels will range from 150 , 000 to 450 , 000 . My platelet levels on Monday were 30 , 000 and on Tuesday , they had dropped down to 14 , 000 . Once platelet levels get below 10 , 000 , you can have spontaneous internal bleeding . The doctors put me on a high dose treatment of 80 mg of prednisone ( a steroid medication that has some crazy side effects ! ) and ran various tests to look for a cause for the low platelets . The prednisone medication had to be the worst part of being in the hospital . I was already feeling emotional from the grieving and pregnancy hormones , but the prednisone magnified everything and made me feel insane . On the first day in the hospital the doctors ruled out a number of serious diseases that could be causing my low platelets but still hadn 't found a cause . Around midnight that first evening , I left the emergency room and was admitted into a room in the hospital . I was excited to finally be leaving the emergency room and looking forward to peace and quiet . When I went into the room , I discovered that I was sharing a room . I tried to remain calm but as the night went on , I became furious over my entire situation . I was sharing a room with a 95 year old woman , and the nurses came in once every hour to do a stroke test . The patient wasn 't able to hear very well and they had to yell commands at her . I was exhausted . I hadn 't slept very much in the previous two days as I had spent much of the time crying and then I spent that entire day being poked with needles . I also had the great misfortune of having a pregnant nurse that made my heart ache every time her big belly passed . I laughed at one point to my husband and said , " It 's almost comical now . Everything that can go wrong is going wrong . It 's as if someone is out to get me . " I wanted to call my mom and cry but I was afraid of disturbing my roommate so I opened my bible and read the book of Psalms . I heard that the book of Psalms can be very comforting because you find people crying out to God with every sort of emotion : happiness , joy , sadness , depression , anger , loneliness . It shows that you can trust in God and share with Him any emotion that you are feeling . The important thing is that you go to Him because he wants to be there for you and help you through it . That morning , I was also delighted to hear that the medicine had worked in raising my platelet levels slightly but I would still not be able to go home anytime soon . The doctors would continue to do testing to look for a cause and I would continue to take the prednisone medication . I was nervous about having to do a blood transfusion if the medicine didn 't work and I was praising God that this medicine , although difficult to handle the side effects , was working and keeping me safe . Later that day I was happy to move into a private room ( yes , I realize I sound like a spoiled American right now - I was too sad to care about being spoiled during this time . I was going to enjoy the one good thing that was happening that week - my big private room ! ) The rest of the week was one big blur as nothing too exciting happened . I did have some kind visitors from my church family - I even had two members visit me that I had never met before . I was amazed that people I didn 't know were compassionate and loving and came to comfort me even though I was a stranger to them . I was so thankful to God that we had found such a good church family to be a part of and it made me think of the verse , " For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat , I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink , I was a stranger and you invited me in , I needed clothes and you clothed me , I was sick and you looked after me , I was in prison and you came to visit me . " Their kind acts made a huge difference in giving me hope and comfort and I pray that God will reward them for their generosity towards me . There was a large part of me that wanted to feel bad for myself and wanted to be angry with God over my circumstances . But having a church family that supported me and loved me made me see just how blessed I am . True , I was suffering through the loss of our baby , but I was also comforted by God himself and He used his faithful servants to care for me . They also found a diagnosis for my low platelets , a disease called ITP ( Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura - yup , it 's a mouthful . I 'll refer to it as ITP from here on out ) . ITP is a bleeding disorder in which the immune system cells produce antibodies that destroy platelets . Again , platelets are normal for necessary blood clotting . I 'm usually a calm person , at least in front of other people , but my blood started pumping when I learned that I would not be able to go home yet and I had an epic meltdown . I argued with the doctors and they finally had to inform me of the importance of me staying in the hospital . The doctor said , " If you go home today you could start bleeding heavily and die . It 's not safe . " For whatever reason , I didn 't come to my senses quick enough and I demanded that they release me from the hospital . The doctors agreed and left the room . Within the next few minutes , I realized what a fool I had made of myself and called the nurse to ask her to apologize to the doctors and inform them that I would stay put and cooperate from now on . To this day , I feel horrible about the way that I acted , but I hope that the doctors understood that I just wasn 't myself . I did later apologize in person and thank them for taking good care of me , but I sure wish I could go back in time and delete that embarrassing scene from my life . On Friday , November 18 , my levels were high enough to go home and I was released . I was so excited to go home and see my animals ! I was also told to go to labor and delivery on Monday morning for a follow up ultrasound and to determine what we would do next if the miscarriage hadn 't started . And I would have an appointment with a hematologist the following Wednesday to learn more about my newly diagnosed disease , ITP , and to discuss our treatment options . The next morning , Sunday , November 13 , 2011 , I woke up to get ready for church . I went to the bathroom , wiped , and screamed . Jonathan jolted out of bed and came to me as I started crying and screaming . I was bleeding . It is hard for me to remember what exactly happened that morning or what I was thinking , but I know that Jonathan took control . He called his parents and asked his mom to teach Sunday school . And then he called the labor and delivery line at the hospital and told them what was happening . I described the amount of blood and they shrugged it off as spotting and said to call my doctor in the morning . I knew that something was wrong and that it was definitely not " just spotting " . I was so angry that they didn 't take me seriously and I wanted to call them back myself and give them a piece of my mind . I remember that Jonathan had to work that day and I thought he was really strong to be able to do so . I sat at home the entire day crying and waiting . It was the longest day of my life . I just wanted to know what was wrong . I also started to worry that I was having an ectopic pregnancy , and I was nervous . On the car ride over , I cried and cried and cried . And prayed . And begged God to save our Baby M . Jonathan believed that everything was going to be fine , but I couldn 't stop crying with worry that our hearts were about to be broken . As she loaded the image onto the screen , we could see a tiny little baby . I was confused and I was thinking , " Why doesn 't she make the image look bigger so that I can see the baby ? " but then she said , " Well there 's a baby here that 's measuring at 6 weeks pregnancy . It could just be that your dates are off . " That 's when I knew that this pregnancy journey had ended . In one sense , I felt relief , because I was glad that it wasn 't an ectopic pregnancy , which is my biggest fear . But in another , I was in shock . I couldn 't believe that God had said , " No " to my prayers . Jonathan was sobbing and I was just sitting there , speaking calmly with the doctor . She was very confused by my reaction , but Jonathan explained that I would react when I was alone . I don 't like crying in front of other people , and can usually hold it together very well . When I 'm alone , it 's a completely different story . She told us how sorry she was for our loss and even shared her own miscarriage experience . She also said that because I had already had one loss , she wanted to run a few blood tests . She sent me to the lab to get the blood work done and then home to see if I would miscarry naturally within the week . We planned to meet back in one week for a follow up ultrasound and to determine what we would do next . I went to the lab and had my blood taken and then we headed to the parking lot to leave . As soon as I stepped outside of the doctor 's office , I put on my sun glasses and started to sob as we walked to the truck . It hurt so much . When we got into the truck , I really let it out . I was screaming and crying and hopelessly asking , " Why ? " The rest of the day was pretty much a blur . I just remember feeling like I had a really painful hole in my chest and I spent much of the day crying . And then in the afternoon , my doctor called and told me that my platelet levels came back low and she wanted me to return in the morning for more blood work . It didn 't sound very serious and I didn 't think it meant anything , so I didn 't think much of the conversation . On September 28th , 2011 we found out that we were pregnant again . We were both excited , but it was much more reserved than the first pregnancy . We said a prayer and asked God to take our worry and fear away from us so that we could enjoy this time and we quoted the verse from Matthew 6 : 27 that says , " Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life . " " It 's 5 in the morning and I just confirmed with a pregnancy test that I am PREGNANT ! What ? This is insane ! On Monday night I caved in and took a pregnancy test and I could see a second line , but when Jon couldn 't see the line , I thought maybe I was crazy and making it up in my head . I really started to feel pregnant with lots of symptoms , but there have been so many months where I could have sworn up and down that I was having pregnancy symptoms . But here I am today , pregnant , and praising God . My Father heard my cries and he had compassion on me . Lord , I just thank you so much for this child and I will leave my worry at the door and trust in your perfect will - that through all things - your glory will show . Lord , I just ask you to help me during this exciting time to keep my focus on you - and that in all things I do - you will be glorified . Praise you God ! I did not deserve to be heard , but you listened anyways . You are my strong tower and comfort when I am weak - you are always strong . I love you Lord and I thank you for this gracious blessing you 've given to our family . I 'm going to try to focus a lot of my prayers over Jonathan and giving him peace . I see now that the miscarriage in June affected him more than I understood , and I wish now that I had been more sensitive to his feelings . It is hard for him to express his emotions and I took his silence to mean that he didn 't care . What a fool I was . Lord , be with my husband . After we confirmed that I am indeed pregnant , we said a prayer of thanks and a prayer to keep me and the baby safe in God 's hands . I also quoted the verse on worrying . When I picked up my journal and read some of the verses I posted last week , I saw that and noticed that it is from Matthew chapter 6 . For years now we 've discussed wanting to name our son Matthew , but I also want to leave the name choice up to God . I 'm wondering if this was God 's way of telling me he approves of Matthew ? I guess we will find out . I 'm definitely feeling like we are going to have a boy , but obviously I will just be happy to have a child . Ah ! It is crazy that I will be a mother and Jon will be a father and we will be responsible for someone 's life . What an exciting adventure this will be . Most parents go nuts planning for stuff they need for the baby , but after having a miscarriage , I know the most important planning will be in our spiritual walk with God . We need to prepare to be strong , Christian parents , soaking in the knowledge of His Holy Word . God holds us to a higher standard as parents and we must strive to be fully prepared to lead a child in the way of the Lord . Father , I just pray that your wisdom we will never forget , and your wisdom we will faithfully pass down in our generation - starting with our first born child . Oh Praise you Father for this wonderful life you are building within me . Thank you , thank you , thank you ! I love you so very much ! " As you can tell from my journal entry , I was ecstatic to be pregnant again . I was definitely nervous , but my faith was strong , and I was hopeful that this would be our take home baby . Based on my last menstrual cycle from September 4 ( also the day that Buttercup passed away ) I calculated that I was due on June 10 , 2012 . June 10 was a special day for Jonathan and I , as it was the day that we found out in 2011 that we were pregnant for the first time . I thought that was really awesome , and couldn 't help but feel like this was such an amazing gift to be given after losing our first baby and losing Buttercup . As each week passed and I progressed further along into the pregnancy , I became more and more relaxed and excited . Each week was one step closer to our dream coming true , and it was a very exciting time . Every Sunday , as we reached a new week of pregnancy , we took a picture of my growing belly . I held my belly all the time , sang to the baby , and read 3 chapters of the bible each morning to the little one . I couldn 't wait to meet my beautiful little baby , but I was enjoying every moment of having them in my belly with me . I was SO happy and in love ! A month after finding out that I was pregnant with our second baby , I found out that my brother and his wife Regina were expecting a little girl , Autumn Rose , who was due to arrive on May 1 , about a month before our baby was due . When my dad told me on the phone , I couldn 't stop saying , " God is good ! " Regina was told by doctors that she would probably never be able to have children , and this was a huge blessing for our family . I was also excited because I was also pregnant , and it was going to be so amazing to hold my niece with my growing baby in my belly , knowing that in one month , I would be giving birth to my own child . And I was excited that our children would be so close in age and I dreamed of all of the fun they would have together through the years . In August when Jonathan 's employer changed insurance companies , I decided to go for a private insurance company that would save us more money . I did not realize that the insurance did not include maternity coverage , and when I became pregnant in September , that was a big problem . Thankfully we were able to cancel that insurance policy and sign on to the insurance through my husband 's work , but we had to wait quite a while for all of the paperwork to clear . When the insurance finally kicked in , we immediately scheduled an appointment to see an ob , but were going to have to wait another two weeks . I was getting tired of waiting - I was ready to see my baby ! I tried to remain patient and trust that the baby was doing well . On Saturday , November 12 , I was starting to really feel excited about this baby . I remember it well because I scrubbed the house clean and wasn 't nervous about hurting the baby , like I had been in weeks prior . When my husband came home from work that night , I yelled with excitement , " I 'm 10 weeks today ! " It was midnight and I was so happy to reach such a big milestone . I thought , " Just 30 more weeks until I get to meet you , my sweet Baby M ! " Baby M was our nickname for the baby . We chose that nickname because it is the first initial of our last name and because on the morning I found out I was pregnant , I was looking up at the stars and I saw 5 stars formed in the shape of an M . We both really thought this was going to be a baby boy so we figured baby M would eventually turn into baby Matthew . After we lost our first baby to an early miscarriage at 4 weeks , I wanted to try again right away . We weren 't technically trying before the first pregnancy to get pregnant , but we were not preventing in anyway , and we were excited to see it happen in God 's timing . I was of course hopeful every month with excitement , but we both expected it to take quite a while , and we felt ready to begin something that could be a long journey of waiting . I never expected the journey to include so much heartbreak . It was definitely something I was not prepared for . After the first miscarriage , I was determined to remain faithful to God . I was trying very hard . Honestly , I think part of me hoped that my obedience to God would pay off in the form of another baby . Every time someone would ask me to do something , I would agree , not necessarily because I wanted to help , but because I didn 't want to give God a reason to think I didn 't deserve to have a baby . And then I started to get angry , and one night , after several months of pretending to be happy , I found myself crying in the car , driving around , and yelling at God . And God is so merciful . He is truly slow to anger because in that moment of my anger against Him , he gave me a peace and an understanding , and put it on my heart that it would be okay to say " no " sometimes . He made me see that I don 't have to be perfect - I just have to be willing and joyful . After that night of " talking " with God , I found myself truly happy again , and excited for the future . And I was really excited and hopeful for the possibility of having a baby . I decided to start a journal that I would write in every day with different struggles , letters to God , and hopes and prayers for having a baby . I 'll share a few of my entries throughout this story . On September 4 , 2011 I started teaching my first Sunday school class for 6th grade with my mother - in - law , Sharon . We had so much fun teaching together and the kids were well behaved and engaged in conversation with us . We went out to eat lunch with all of the family after church , and I wasn 't even disappointed to find that my period had started that day . I was just so pleased that we had started this fun journey of teaching such a wonderful group of kids . And then disaster struck . Jonathan and I came home and found my beloved rabbit of seven years , Buttercup , dead . She passed away in her sleep . It was shocking and very difficult to accept . I struggled for days after burying her because I kept thinking that she was going to wake up . She would always look really still when she slept , and it was hard to accept that she was not going to wake up this time . It would be a few months before I found acceptance in peace in her passing . ( Remember this part of the story for later ) . Today I come to you asking for your word to get me through . My heart is broken my Father , and I need you . I need your help . I need your love to guide me . Three months ago , I lost the baby and when I thought it would ruin me - you saved me . Sunday , I lost Buttercup , and her death is aching in a way that reminds me just how lost I am without you . You time things perfectly Father and you always lead me to your word - you never let me fall . It could be so easy for me to give up on you - to fall into sin 's trap . But you have a grip on me and Lord I praise you for it . When everything is going wrong in this life , you always find a way to show me and remind me how amazing your love for me is . Yesterday as I was walking Sweetpea , it was cool outside , leaves were falling on the ground , the sky was a perfect blue , and I saw your beauty all around me . Last night , the sky was clear enough to see the stars ; it was breath - taking to witness such beauty when I took Sweetpea out this early morning . It was as if you put a star in every place I look up - like you put it shinning there - just for me . I know that you were showing me love by giving me these beautiful creations to look at . How could I not believe in you - when looking all around - creation shines with your beauty and love ? And Lord , I hold on to the hope that there will be a day when I see you , the source of ultimate beauty . When my tears will be wiped away , by you , my Abba . I can 't wait for that day , but until then , I ask you to guide me in your word and help me through the times when it is hard to remember the beauty . Lord be with me . Amen . The rest of the week at vacation bible school was an incredible experience full of joy and blessings . It was so wonderful to have the children telling me how much they enjoyed coming to missions , and giving me sweet hugs . It was amazing to see how excited they were to learn about Jesus and his love , and I was thrilled to be able to share the good news of Jesus with them . I spoke with Zachary , a sweet 9 - year - old boy who wasn 't quite sure what to think about God . He told me that he believed in God , but that he wasn 't ready to make any kind of decision that day . I told him that there was no pressure to make a decision , and that God would work in his life and reveal himself at the perfect timing . I asked him to tell me a little bit about himself , and he told me that his puppy dog had recently passed away and that his father was serving in Iraq . I told him that his puppy dog was in Heaven with God , and that he would see him again someday , and it was the happiest place his dog could be . I then told him that I was going to pray for his father , and tell everyone I know to pray for his father . I told him that God would be with his father , and Zachary 's eyes filled with tears . It broke my heart to see this precious little boy who had such a heavy burden of worry for his father . I gave him a big hug and asked if he would like to pray with me , and we prayed together for his father 's safety and protection . I then told Zachary a little bit about myself , and how God saved me when I thought that I had no one who cared about me . I told him how much Jesus loves me and Zachary and how he was willing to die on the cross so that we can spend eternity with Him . I then gave him a bible , and told him that anytime he feels alone or scared or worried , he can go to God in prayer and he can read the bible and know that God is right there with him . The Sunday before Vacation Bible School started , Pastor Wallace prayed that we would have so many children attend that the teachers wouldn 't know what to do or where to put everyone . Praise God for Pastor Wallace and that awesome prayer ! I feel so honored and blessed to have been able to witness to so many children that week , and I am so thankful to God for showing me how great his love is , so that when I spoke about that love , the children could see the pure joy in my face . Losing my first child was one of the hardest things I 've ever experienced , but knowing that my child was born in Heaven with my Savior is an amazing feeling . Someday , when I die , I will get to meet my child and I will get to meet my sweet , sweet Jesus . I can 't wait for that day to come , but until it does , I will walk through this life , remembering the love of my Father , and telling everyone I know , how that love can save . A note : I wrote this story in 2011 before I had any other miscarriages . I thought that this story would help other people , and perhaps it has , but a year later after suffering from 3 miscarriages and months and months of tears and pain , this story is helping me . The testimony I wrote of God 's great love for me is just what I needed to hear during a time when I am feeling broken and weary . I pray that this story will be a blessing for you as well . " He will wipe every tear from their eyes . There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain , for the old order of things has passed away . " - Revelation 21 : 4 " But our citizenship is in heaven . And we eagerly await a Savior from there , the Lord Jesus Christ , who , by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control , will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body . " - Philippians 3 : 20 - 21 " Therefore we do not lose heart . Though outwardly we are wasting away , yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day . For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all . So we fix our eyes not on what is seen , but on what is unseen . For what is seen is temporary , but what is unseen is eternal . " - 2 Corinthians 4 : 16 - 18 " Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again , but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst . Indeed , the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life . " - John 4 : 13 - 14 " So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord , or ashamed of me his prisoner . But join with me in suffering for the gospel , by the power of God , who has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace . This grace was given in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time , but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior , Christ Jesus , who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel . " - 2 Timothy 1 : 8 - 10 " Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror ; then we shall see face to face . Now I know in part ; then I shall know fully , even as I am fully known . And now these three remain : faith , hope , and love . But the greatest of these is love . " - 1 Corinthians 13 : 12 - 13 " Then Christ will dwell in your hearts through faith . And I pray that you , being rooted and established in love , may have power , together with all the saints , to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ , and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God . " - Ephesians 3 : 17 - 19 " How great is the love the Father has lavished on us , that we should be called children of God ! And that is what we are ! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him . " - 1 John 3 : 1 After that moment of revelation , I knew what I needed to do . I needed to keep my focus on Christ . I had made a commitment to teach Vacation Bible School , and it was time that I truly put my heart and soul into that challenge . I stayed up late that Monday night working on our new lesson plan for day 2 . I was very excited that we had changed from the classroom setting to the large sanctuary , as it enabled me to create the lesson in a way I was more comfortable teaching . The previous lesson plans were great , but I 'm just not a big fan of a lot of games and activities . I wanted to teach the children , pray with them , and show them how fun and awesome it is to serve God as a missionary . I made it my goal for the week to get the children excited about telling others about Jesus , and I think we were successful in doing just that . I can 't say enough , how truly amazing our Savior Jesus Christ is . His love is like nothing else in this world , and if you can accept that and humbly ask for his healing power , he is mighty to save . There is no doubt about it , I was sad and I was going to be sad for a while . There 's a grieving process and I was about to fully embark on it , but with Jesus on my side . I was also still dealing with the physical pain of the miscarriage , but I feel like the Holy Spirit was right there with me , giving me a great strength that I 'd never seen of myself before . This is not the Amber I knew . The Amber I knew would have given up at the first sign of stomach cramping . But this Amber looked more like the work of Christ . In my weakness , He is perfect and strong , and I praise God for molding me into someone who does not give up . ( Okay now I know someone reading this is dying laughing because I just spoke of myself in third person - I know it sounded weird , but I couldn 't think of another way to write it ) . As the week went on , I learned more and more about how awesome God truly is . And here I thought that I was the one teaching the children . Every night after vacation bible school , I got to work on the next day 's lesson plan . As I studied certain lesson plans , it was amazing the wisdom God revealed before me . " Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you . Be self - controlled and alert . Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour . Resist him , standing firm in the faith , because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings . And the God of all grace , who called you to his eternal glory in Christ , after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong , firm and steadfast . To him be the power for ever and ever . Amen . " - 1 Peter 5 : 7 - 11 " There is no fear in love . But perfect love drives out fear , because fear has to do with punishment . The one who fears is not made perfect in love . " - 1 John 4 : 18 " Be strong and courageous . Do not be terrified ; do not be discouraged , for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go . " - Joshua 1 : 9 " The righteous cry out , and the Lord hears them ; he delivers them from all their troubles . The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit . A righteous man may have many troubles , but the Lord delivers him from them all " - Psalm 34 : 17 - 18 With God 's help ( I didn 't want to admit it at the time ) we were able to get through the first presentation without breaking down into tears , and then the vacation bible school coordinator came in and told us we were moving to the church sanctuary . It was a huge blessing to move from our tiny classroom to the sanctuary , and although I had to re - structure our presentation to fit that new setting , it ended up working out much better than the classroom ever could have . That is where God needed us to teach to be the most effective , and I 'm so happy that it worked out that way . I even got to use a microphone , which I have to admit - I just LOVE having a microphone in my hands . It brings back memories of my childhood when I had a play microphone and I would sing for my pretend audience Each presentation got better and better as the day went on , and when we finally finished I was relieved . Even though I knew we had a lot of work ahead of us , and it was going to be a rough week , I felt better knowing that we survived the first day , and that it would only get better from that point on . When I got home , I didn 't want to sleep . I just wanted to sit on the computer and read blogs about miscarriage and get on thebump . com to read the miscarriage / pregnancy loss message board . Although , I was glad to have those resources available - I quickly realized that having a miscarriage during the week of vacation bible school was the best possible time to have it , because I was so busy that it didn 't give me time to sit at home and feel horrible over this loss . One really good thing did come out of reading miscarriage blogs , because I found an article from a Christian author who suffered from several miscarriages , and she said that it was okay to be angry with God . That was a natural feeling and that we needed to take that feeling to the cross , and let Him help us deal with that part of the grieving process . So , that 's what I did . I talked to Jesus and I told him that I didn 't understand and that I was angry that this had happened to me . After talking with God , I decided I needed to read the book of Job in the bible . Job was a righteous man who feared God and hated evil . Satan was sure that he could get Job to speak against God , and said this , " Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has ? You have blessed the work of his hands , so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land . But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has , and he will surely curse you to your face . " Job was put through many tests in an effort by Satan to get him to curse against the Lord ; he lost his possessions , his children , and his health . Although he lost everything , Job did not lose his trust in God , and when nothing else was left , he had God and that was enough . God eventually spoke to Job and even restored his possessions , health and family and gave him even greater blessings than he had before . That night , I spoke with my husband about what I had read in Job and I asked , " Do you think that maybe I 'm going through a test ? " His reply changed my entire week , " It 's very possible . Whatever you are going through , God is only allowing it to happen because he knows that you are strong enough to be tested . He knows that you won 't give up on Him . " I also remembered a prayer that I had prayed to Him a few months prior : I was watching a movie at a monthly bible study we attend , A Greater Yes : The Story of Amy Newhouse , about Amy , who was a high school student who had a huge heart for Christ . She was diagnosed with cancer and I won 't spoil the story for you , but basically God used her suffering for a greater purpose : to save others . It was such a powerful story to me , and I just prayed , " God , whatever I need to go through in this life to bring you glory , let your will be done . " " God is our refuge and strength , and ever - present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear , though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea , though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging . " - Psalm 46 : 1 - 3 " Hear my cry , O God ; listen to my prayer . From the ends of the earth I call to you , I call as my heart grows faint ; lead me to the rock that is higher than I . For you have been my refuge , a strong tower against the foe . I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings . " - Psalm 61 : 1 - 4 " My soul finds rest in God alone ; my salvation comes from him . He alone is my rock and my salvation ; he is my fortress , I will never be shaken . " - Psalm 62 : 1 - 2 |
It was difficult to start the grieving process and I didn 't know how I was ever going to feel better again , but I clung to God and spent hours a day crying and praying for help . There were times when I would feel so horribly devastated that I would pray for God to end my life . I knew that it was a selfish prayer and I wanted to be strong for Jonathan and all of my family , but the pain felt like too much to stand and I didn 't know how I would ever feel happy again . One day as I was sitting on my bed feeling sad , I started to feel overwhelmed by the details of the death of my rabbit Buttercup ( remember how I said Buttercup died on September 4th ? in the beginning of the story ) and our Baby M . Suddenly an image appeared in my head of a beautiful baby boy with blonde hair and the most precious smile . He was giggling and petting a very healthy looking Buttercup . I have never seen such a perfect image before in my life and I was taken aback by the glorious beauty of it . It felt like God was gifting me with a vision from Heaven of our baby and Buttercup , but I couldn 't help but doubt myself . I started crying tears of happiness thinking of the happiness and joy of my precious baby . A few days later , I was looking through old pictures and found a picture of me as a baby walking around with my mom 's swimsuit over my head . I was laughing and smiling and as I looked at the picture , I realized that the baby I had a vision of , had the same facial features and smile as me . I then realized that I did not make this up in my head , but that it was in fact a gift from God . A beautiful vision of our baby boy and precious Buttercup . I of course shared the details with Jonathan and it brought him joy as well to know that Baby M is safe and happy with Jesus . We decided that we wanted to honor the babies that we lost and we started by giving them names . We named our first baby , who we felt was a girl , Abiygale , and we named our second Baby , Matthew . We also felt led to sponsor a child through Compassion as a way to remember our babies . As I was looking through the profiles of children on the Compassion website , I couldn 't figure out how I was going to pick a child . How could I possibly pick one child when I wanted to pick all of them ? During a time when I was feeling hopeless and completely lost , God brought us to the wonderful organization Compassion , and gave us the opportunity to be able to sponsor a child . Through Abigail , the memory of our babies ' lives on and it has been an amazing blessing to have her in our lives . We enjoy writing letters to her and especially receiving letters from her . We pray for her and her family every night and we are also honored to have them pray for us as well . Though I question God more times than I am ashamed to admit , I know that He has the power to make beautiful things out of the wreckage . During times in life when we lose someone we love , it can seem hopeless and you might even feel like giving up , but I want you to know that in those moments when you are alone , when you feel like you have nothing and no one , you have a Savior named Christ who is waiting with open arms to heal you . He loves you . He cares for you . He died for you . He forgives you . He wants a relationship with you . You can trust in Jesus and you can trust that He has the power to restore what was lost . He has the power to end evil and death and sadness . Someday Christ will return and when He does , there will be no more sadness , no more tears , no more death or mourning . There will only be love and happiness . Enduring the pain and suffering in this life is worth it because God has something better ahead for us . I was relieved to finally be home but the relief didn 't last long . That night I started to have contractions . The next morning the contractions had stopped and I was hopeful that the worst of the pain was over . I sent my husband to go get lunch before he left for work , but within a few minutes , I had to call him back home . I tried to remain calm but it hurt so badly and I felt so very violated and horribly embarrassed . Blood was everywhere . It looked like a murder scene . My husband didn 't know what to say to me , but his face looked terrified . I can 't imagine what he was thinking in that moment . After the doctor and nurse finished the examination , they left the room so that I could clean myself up . I looked all around at the mess of blood throughout the room . In the trash can . On the pad on the table . On me . It looked like death and I realized that it was death . It was the death of my baby M and he had died inside of me . The nurse was beyond compassionate and she went above and beyond to take good care of me . She shared with me that she had also suffered a miscarriage and was deeply sorry for what I was going through . She was bright light in a dark period of time in my life and I will always remember her kindness . As they pulled up the image and determined that everything had passed naturally , my husband Jonathan started to cry . I think he still held some kind of hope that maybe a miracle would happen and our baby 's heart would start to beat . I hated seeing him in pain and I wished so badly that I could give him that miracle . That I could somehow will all of this to stop happening and will our baby to keep living within me . But Baby M was gone and there was nothing anyone could do . About an hour after getting my blood taken , I received a phone call from my doctor . She explained to me that my platelet levels were low yesterday and they had dropped even lower today and that I needed to get over to the emergency room right away . She said that the hematology department would start work to see what was going on . I got off the phone feeling extremely confused and spoke with Jonathan . We quickly packed a few things to take and headed out the door . I called my parents and tried my best to explain everything the doctor told me , but I really had no clue what to expect . I didn 't really know what platelets were , but the fact that I was heading to the emergency room because of blood levels scared me . I was thinking , " Do I have cancer or something horrible ? Am I about to die ? " The doctor explained to me that platelets were blood cells that help the blood to clot and stop blood loss . In a normal person , platelet levels will range from 150 , 000 to 450 , 000 . My platelet levels on Monday were 30 , 000 and on Tuesday , they had dropped down to 14 , 000 . Once platelet levels get below 10 , 000 , you can have spontaneous internal bleeding . The doctors put me on a high dose treatment of 80 mg of prednisone ( a steroid medication that has some crazy side effects ! ) and ran various tests to look for a cause for the low platelets . The prednisone medication had to be the worst part of being in the hospital . I was already feeling emotional from the grieving and pregnancy hormones , but the prednisone magnified everything and made me feel insane . On the first day in the hospital the doctors ruled out a number of serious diseases that could be causing my low platelets but still hadn 't found a cause . Around midnight that first evening , I left the emergency room and was admitted into a room in the hospital . I was excited to finally be leaving the emergency room and looking forward to peace and quiet . When I went into the room , I discovered that I was sharing a room . I tried to remain calm but as the night went on , I became furious over my entire situation . I was sharing a room with a 95 year old woman , and the nurses came in once every hour to do a stroke test . The patient wasn 't able to hear very well and they had to yell commands at her . I was exhausted . I hadn 't slept very much in the previous two days as I had spent much of the time crying and then I spent that entire day being poked with needles . I also had the great misfortune of having a pregnant nurse that made my heart ache every time her big belly passed . I laughed at one point to my husband and said , " It 's almost comical now . Everything that can go wrong is going wrong . It 's as if someone is out to get me . " I wanted to call my mom and cry but I was afraid of disturbing my roommate so I opened my bible and read the book of Psalms . I heard that the book of Psalms can be very comforting because you find people crying out to God with every sort of emotion : happiness , joy , sadness , depression , anger , loneliness . It shows that you can trust in God and share with Him any emotion that you are feeling . The important thing is that you go to Him because he wants to be there for you and help you through it . That morning , I was also delighted to hear that the medicine had worked in raising my platelet levels slightly but I would still not be able to go home anytime soon . The doctors would continue to do testing to look for a cause and I would continue to take the prednisone medication . I was nervous about having to do a blood transfusion if the medicine didn 't work and I was praising God that this medicine , although difficult to handle the side effects , was working and keeping me safe . Later that day I was happy to move into a private room ( yes , I realize I sound like a spoiled American right now - I was too sad to care about being spoiled during this time . I was going to enjoy the one good thing that was happening that week - my big private room ! ) The rest of the week was one big blur as nothing too exciting happened . I did have some kind visitors from my church family - I even had two members visit me that I had never met before . I was amazed that people I didn 't know were compassionate and loving and came to comfort me even though I was a stranger to them . I was so thankful to God that we had found such a good church family to be a part of and it made me think of the verse , " For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat , I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink , I was a stranger and you invited me in , I needed clothes and you clothed me , I was sick and you looked after me , I was in prison and you came to visit me . " Their kind acts made a huge difference in giving me hope and comfort and I pray that God will reward them for their generosity towards me . There was a large part of me that wanted to feel bad for myself and wanted to be angry with God over my circumstances . But having a church family that supported me and loved me made me see just how blessed I am . True , I was suffering through the loss of our baby , but I was also comforted by God himself and He used his faithful servants to care for me . They also found a diagnosis for my low platelets , a disease called ITP ( Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura - yup , it 's a mouthful . I 'll refer to it as ITP from here on out ) . ITP is a bleeding disorder in which the immune system cells produce antibodies that destroy platelets . Again , platelets are normal for necessary blood clotting . I 'm usually a calm person , at least in front of other people , but my blood started pumping when I learned that I would not be able to go home yet and I had an epic meltdown . I argued with the doctors and they finally had to inform me of the importance of me staying in the hospital . The doctor said , " If you go home today you could start bleeding heavily and die . It 's not safe . " For whatever reason , I didn 't come to my senses quick enough and I demanded that they release me from the hospital . The doctors agreed and left the room . Within the next few minutes , I realized what a fool I had made of myself and called the nurse to ask her to apologize to the doctors and inform them that I would stay put and cooperate from now on . To this day , I feel horrible about the way that I acted , but I hope that the doctors understood that I just wasn 't myself . I did later apologize in person and thank them for taking good care of me , but I sure wish I could go back in time and delete that embarrassing scene from my life . On Friday , November 18 , my levels were high enough to go home and I was released . I was so excited to go home and see my animals ! I was also told to go to labor and delivery on Monday morning for a follow up ultrasound and to determine what we would do next if the miscarriage hadn 't started . And I would have an appointment with a hematologist the following Wednesday to learn more about my newly diagnosed disease , ITP , and to discuss our treatment options . The next morning , Sunday , November 13 , 2011 , I woke up to get ready for church . I went to the bathroom , wiped , and screamed . Jonathan jolted out of bed and came to me as I started crying and screaming . I was bleeding . It is hard for me to remember what exactly happened that morning or what I was thinking , but I know that Jonathan took control . He called his parents and asked his mom to teach Sunday school . And then he called the labor and delivery line at the hospital and told them what was happening . I described the amount of blood and they shrugged it off as spotting and said to call my doctor in the morning . I knew that something was wrong and that it was definitely not " just spotting " . I was so angry that they didn 't take me seriously and I wanted to call them back myself and give them a piece of my mind . I remember that Jonathan had to work that day and I thought he was really strong to be able to do so . I sat at home the entire day crying and waiting . It was the longest day of my life . I just wanted to know what was wrong . I also started to worry that I was having an ectopic pregnancy , and I was nervous . On the car ride over , I cried and cried and cried . And prayed . And begged God to save our Baby M . Jonathan believed that everything was going to be fine , but I couldn 't stop crying with worry that our hearts were about to be broken . As she loaded the image onto the screen , we could see a tiny little baby . I was confused and I was thinking , " Why doesn 't she make the image look bigger so that I can see the baby ? " but then she said , " Well there 's a baby here that 's measuring at 6 weeks pregnancy . It could just be that your dates are off . " That 's when I knew that this pregnancy journey had ended . In one sense , I felt relief , because I was glad that it wasn 't an ectopic pregnancy , which is my biggest fear . But in another , I was in shock . I couldn 't believe that God had said , " No " to my prayers . Jonathan was sobbing and I was just sitting there , speaking calmly with the doctor . She was very confused by my reaction , but Jonathan explained that I would react when I was alone . I don 't like crying in front of other people , and can usually hold it together very well . When I 'm alone , it 's a completely different story . She told us how sorry she was for our loss and even shared her own miscarriage experience . She also said that because I had already had one loss , she wanted to run a few blood tests . She sent me to the lab to get the blood work done and then home to see if I would miscarry naturally within the week . We planned to meet back in one week for a follow up ultrasound and to determine what we would do next . I went to the lab and had my blood taken and then we headed to the parking lot to leave . As soon as I stepped outside of the doctor 's office , I put on my sun glasses and started to sob as we walked to the truck . It hurt so much . When we got into the truck , I really let it out . I was screaming and crying and hopelessly asking , " Why ? " The rest of the day was pretty much a blur . I just remember feeling like I had a really painful hole in my chest and I spent much of the day crying . And then in the afternoon , my doctor called and told me that my platelet levels came back low and she wanted me to return in the morning for more blood work . It didn 't sound very serious and I didn 't think it meant anything , so I didn 't think much of the conversation . On September 28th , 2011 we found out that we were pregnant again . We were both excited , but it was much more reserved than the first pregnancy . We said a prayer and asked God to take our worry and fear away from us so that we could enjoy this time and we quoted the verse from Matthew 6 : 27 that says , " Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life . " " It 's 5 in the morning and I just confirmed with a pregnancy test that I am PREGNANT ! What ? This is insane ! On Monday night I caved in and took a pregnancy test and I could see a second line , but when Jon couldn 't see the line , I thought maybe I was crazy and making it up in my head . I really started to feel pregnant with lots of symptoms , but there have been so many months where I could have sworn up and down that I was having pregnancy symptoms . But here I am today , pregnant , and praising God . My Father heard my cries and he had compassion on me . Lord , I just thank you so much for this child and I will leave my worry at the door and trust in your perfect will - that through all things - your glory will show . Lord , I just ask you to help me during this exciting time to keep my focus on you - and that in all things I do - you will be glorified . Praise you God ! I did not deserve to be heard , but you listened anyways . You are my strong tower and comfort when I am weak - you are always strong . I love you Lord and I thank you for this gracious blessing you 've given to our family . I 'm going to try to focus a lot of my prayers over Jonathan and giving him peace . I see now that the miscarriage in June affected him more than I understood , and I wish now that I had been more sensitive to his feelings . It is hard for him to express his emotions and I took his silence to mean that he didn 't care . What a fool I was . Lord , be with my husband . After we confirmed that I am indeed pregnant , we said a prayer of thanks and a prayer to keep me and the baby safe in God 's hands . I also quoted the verse on worrying . When I picked up my journal and read some of the verses I posted last week , I saw that and noticed that it is from Matthew chapter 6 . For years now we 've discussed wanting to name our son Matthew , but I also want to leave the name choice up to God . I 'm wondering if this was God 's way of telling me he approves of Matthew ? I guess we will find out . I 'm definitely feeling like we are going to have a boy , but obviously I will just be happy to have a child . Ah ! It is crazy that I will be a mother and Jon will be a father and we will be responsible for someone 's life . What an exciting adventure this will be . Most parents go nuts planning for stuff they need for the baby , but after having a miscarriage , I know the most important planning will be in our spiritual walk with God . We need to prepare to be strong , Christian parents , soaking in the knowledge of His Holy Word . God holds us to a higher standard as parents and we must strive to be fully prepared to lead a child in the way of the Lord . Father , I just pray that your wisdom we will never forget , and your wisdom we will faithfully pass down in our generation - starting with our first born child . Oh Praise you Father for this wonderful life you are building within me . Thank you , thank you , thank you ! I love you so very much ! " As you can tell from my journal entry , I was ecstatic to be pregnant again . I was definitely nervous , but my faith was strong , and I was hopeful that this would be our take home baby . Based on my last menstrual cycle from September 4 ( also the day that Buttercup passed away ) I calculated that I was due on June 10 , 2012 . June 10 was a special day for Jonathan and I , as it was the day that we found out in 2011 that we were pregnant for the first time . I thought that was really awesome , and couldn 't help but feel like this was such an amazing gift to be given after losing our first baby and losing Buttercup . As each week passed and I progressed further along into the pregnancy , I became more and more relaxed and excited . Each week was one step closer to our dream coming true , and it was a very exciting time . Every Sunday , as we reached a new week of pregnancy , we took a picture of my growing belly . I held my belly all the time , sang to the baby , and read 3 chapters of the bible each morning to the little one . I couldn 't wait to meet my beautiful little baby , but I was enjoying every moment of having them in my belly with me . I was SO happy and in love ! A month after finding out that I was pregnant with our second baby , I found out that my brother and his wife Regina were expecting a little girl , Autumn Rose , who was due to arrive on May 1 , about a month before our baby was due . When my dad told me on the phone , I couldn 't stop saying , " God is good ! " Regina was told by doctors that she would probably never be able to have children , and this was a huge blessing for our family . I was also excited because I was also pregnant , and it was going to be so amazing to hold my niece with my growing baby in my belly , knowing that in one month , I would be giving birth to my own child . And I was excited that our children would be so close in age and I dreamed of all of the fun they would have together through the years . In August when Jonathan 's employer changed insurance companies , I decided to go for a private insurance company that would save us more money . I did not realize that the insurance did not include maternity coverage , and when I became pregnant in September , that was a big problem . Thankfully we were able to cancel that insurance policy and sign on to the insurance through my husband 's work , but we had to wait quite a while for all of the paperwork to clear . When the insurance finally kicked in , we immediately scheduled an appointment to see an ob , but were going to have to wait another two weeks . I was getting tired of waiting - I was ready to see my baby ! I tried to remain patient and trust that the baby was doing well . On Saturday , November 12 , I was starting to really feel excited about this baby . I remember it well because I scrubbed the house clean and wasn 't nervous about hurting the baby , like I had been in weeks prior . When my husband came home from work that night , I yelled with excitement , " I 'm 10 weeks today ! " It was midnight and I was so happy to reach such a big milestone . I thought , " Just 30 more weeks until I get to meet you , my sweet Baby M ! " Baby M was our nickname for the baby . We chose that nickname because it is the first initial of our last name and because on the morning I found out I was pregnant , I was looking up at the stars and I saw 5 stars formed in the shape of an M . We both really thought this was going to be a baby boy so we figured baby M would eventually turn into baby Matthew . After we lost our first baby to an early miscarriage at 4 weeks , I wanted to try again right away . We weren 't technically trying before the first pregnancy to get pregnant , but we were not preventing in anyway , and we were excited to see it happen in God 's timing . I was of course hopeful every month with excitement , but we both expected it to take quite a while , and we felt ready to begin something that could be a long journey of waiting . I never expected the journey to include so much heartbreak . It was definitely something I was not prepared for . After the first miscarriage , I was determined to remain faithful to God . I was trying very hard . Honestly , I think part of me hoped that my obedience to God would pay off in the form of another baby . Every time someone would ask me to do something , I would agree , not necessarily because I wanted to help , but because I didn 't want to give God a reason to think I didn 't deserve to have a baby . And then I started to get angry , and one night , after several months of pretending to be happy , I found myself crying in the car , driving around , and yelling at God . And God is so merciful . He is truly slow to anger because in that moment of my anger against Him , he gave me a peace and an understanding , and put it on my heart that it would be okay to say " no " sometimes . He made me see that I don 't have to be perfect - I just have to be willing and joyful . After that night of " talking " with God , I found myself truly happy again , and excited for the future . And I was really excited and hopeful for the possibility of having a baby . I decided to start a journal that I would write in every day with different struggles , letters to God , and hopes and prayers for having a baby . I 'll share a few of my entries throughout this story . On September 4 , 2011 I started teaching my first Sunday school class for 6th grade with my mother - in - law , Sharon . We had so much fun teaching together and the kids were well behaved and engaged in conversation with us . We went out to eat lunch with all of the family after church , and I wasn 't even disappointed to find that my period had started that day . I was just so pleased that we had started this fun journey of teaching such a wonderful group of kids . And then disaster struck . Jonathan and I came home and found my beloved rabbit of seven years , Buttercup , dead . She passed away in her sleep . It was shocking and very difficult to accept . I struggled for days after burying her because I kept thinking that she was going to wake up . She would always look really still when she slept , and it was hard to accept that she was not going to wake up this time . It would be a few months before I found acceptance in peace in her passing . ( Remember this part of the story for later ) . Today I come to you asking for your word to get me through . My heart is broken my Father , and I need you . I need your help . I need your love to guide me . Three months ago , I lost the baby and when I thought it would ruin me - you saved me . Sunday , I lost Buttercup , and her death is aching in a way that reminds me just how lost I am without you . You time things perfectly Father and you always lead me to your word - you never let me fall . It could be so easy for me to give up on you - to fall into sin 's trap . But you have a grip on me and Lord I praise you for it . When everything is going wrong in this life , you always find a way to show me and remind me how amazing your love for me is . Yesterday as I was walking Sweetpea , it was cool outside , leaves were falling on the ground , the sky was a perfect blue , and I saw your beauty all around me . Last night , the sky was clear enough to see the stars ; it was breath - taking to witness such beauty when I took Sweetpea out this early morning . It was as if you put a star in every place I look up - like you put it shinning there - just for me . I know that you were showing me love by giving me these beautiful creations to look at . How could I not believe in you - when looking all around - creation shines with your beauty and love ? And Lord , I hold on to the hope that there will be a day when I see you , the source of ultimate beauty . When my tears will be wiped away , by you , my Abba . I can 't wait for that day , but until then , I ask you to guide me in your word and help me through the times when it is hard to remember the beauty . Lord be with me . Amen . The rest of the week at vacation bible school was an incredible experience full of joy and blessings . It was so wonderful to have the children telling me how much they enjoyed coming to missions , and giving me sweet hugs . It was amazing to see how excited they were to learn about Jesus and his love , and I was thrilled to be able to share the good news of Jesus with them . I spoke with Zachary , a sweet 9 - year - old boy who wasn 't quite sure what to think about God . He told me that he believed in God , but that he wasn 't ready to make any kind of decision that day . I told him that there was no pressure to make a decision , and that God would work in his life and reveal himself at the perfect timing . I asked him to tell me a little bit about himself , and he told me that his puppy dog had recently passed away and that his father was serving in Iraq . I told him that his puppy dog was in Heaven with God , and that he would see him again someday , and it was the happiest place his dog could be . I then told him that I was going to pray for his father , and tell everyone I know to pray for his father . I told him that God would be with his father , and Zachary 's eyes filled with tears . It broke my heart to see this precious little boy who had such a heavy burden of worry for his father . I gave him a big hug and asked if he would like to pray with me , and we prayed together for his father 's safety and protection . I then told Zachary a little bit about myself , and how God saved me when I thought that I had no one who cared about me . I told him how much Jesus loves me and Zachary and how he was willing to die on the cross so that we can spend eternity with Him . I then gave him a bible , and told him that anytime he feels alone or scared or worried , he can go to God in prayer and he can read the bible and know that God is right there with him . The Sunday before Vacation Bible School started , Pastor Wallace prayed that we would have so many children attend that the teachers wouldn 't know what to do or where to put everyone . Praise God for Pastor Wallace and that awesome prayer ! I feel so honored and blessed to have been able to witness to so many children that week , and I am so thankful to God for showing me how great his love is , so that when I spoke about that love , the children could see the pure joy in my face . Losing my first child was one of the hardest things I 've ever experienced , but knowing that my child was born in Heaven with my Savior is an amazing feeling . Someday , when I die , I will get to meet my child and I will get to meet my sweet , sweet Jesus . I can 't wait for that day to come , but until it does , I will walk through this life , remembering the love of my Father , and telling everyone I know , how that love can save . A note : I wrote this story in 2011 before I had any other miscarriages . I thought that this story would help other people , and perhaps it has , but a year later after suffering from 3 miscarriages and months and months of tears and pain , this story is helping me . The testimony I wrote of God 's great love for me is just what I needed to hear during a time when I am feeling broken and weary . I pray that this story will be a blessing for you as well . " He will wipe every tear from their eyes . There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain , for the old order of things has passed away . " - Revelation 21 : 4 " But our citizenship is in heaven . And we eagerly await a Savior from there , the Lord Jesus Christ , who , by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control , will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body . " - Philippians 3 : 20 - 21 " Therefore we do not lose heart . Though outwardly we are wasting away , yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day . For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all . So we fix our eyes not on what is seen , but on what is unseen . For what is seen is temporary , but what is unseen is eternal . " - 2 Corinthians 4 : 16 - 18 " Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again , but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst . Indeed , the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life . " - John 4 : 13 - 14 " So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord , or ashamed of me his prisoner . But join with me in suffering for the gospel , by the power of God , who has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace . This grace was given in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time , but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior , Christ Jesus , who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel . " - 2 Timothy 1 : 8 - 10 " Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror ; then we shall see face to face . Now I know in part ; then I shall know fully , even as I am fully known . And now these three remain : faith , hope , and love . But the greatest of these is love . " - 1 Corinthians 13 : 12 - 13 " Then Christ will dwell in your hearts through faith . And I pray that you , being rooted and established in love , may have power , together with all the saints , to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ , and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God . " - Ephesians 3 : 17 - 19 " How great is the love the Father has lavished on us , that we should be called children of God ! And that is what we are ! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him . " - 1 John 3 : 1 After that moment of revelation , I knew what I needed to do . I needed to keep my focus on Christ . I had made a commitment to teach Vacation Bible School , and it was time that I truly put my heart and soul into that challenge . I stayed up late that Monday night working on our new lesson plan for day 2 . I was very excited that we had changed from the classroom setting to the large sanctuary , as it enabled me to create the lesson in a way I was more comfortable teaching . The previous lesson plans were great , but I 'm just not a big fan of a lot of games and activities . I wanted to teach the children , pray with them , and show them how fun and awesome it is to serve God as a missionary . I made it my goal for the week to get the children excited about telling others about Jesus , and I think we were successful in doing just that . I can 't say enough , how truly amazing our Savior Jesus Christ is . His love is like nothing else in this world , and if you can accept that and humbly ask for his healing power , he is mighty to save . There is no doubt about it , I was sad and I was going to be sad for a while . There 's a grieving process and I was about to fully embark on it , but with Jesus on my side . I was also still dealing with the physical pain of the miscarriage , but I feel like the Holy Spirit was right there with me , giving me a great strength that I 'd never seen of myself before . This is not the Amber I knew . The Amber I knew would have given up at the first sign of stomach cramping . But this Amber looked more like the work of Christ . In my weakness , He is perfect and strong , and I praise God for molding me into someone who does not give up . ( Okay now I know someone reading this is dying laughing because I just spoke of myself in third person - I know it sounded weird , but I couldn 't think of another way to write it ) . As the week went on , I learned more and more about how awesome God truly is . And here I thought that I was the one teaching the children . Every night after vacation bible school , I got to work on the next day 's lesson plan . As I studied certain lesson plans , it was amazing the wisdom God revealed before me . " Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you . Be self - controlled and alert . Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour . Resist him , standing firm in the faith , because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings . And the God of all grace , who called you to his eternal glory in Christ , after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong , firm and steadfast . To him be the power for ever and ever . Amen . " - 1 Peter 5 : 7 - 11 " There is no fear in love . But perfect love drives out fear , because fear has to do with punishment . The one who fears is not made perfect in love . " - 1 John 4 : 18 " Be strong and courageous . Do not be terrified ; do not be discouraged , for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go . " - Joshua 1 : 9 " The righteous cry out , and the Lord hears them ; he delivers them from all their troubles . The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit . A righteous man may have many troubles , but the Lord delivers him from them all " - Psalm 34 : 17 - 18 With God 's help ( I didn 't want to admit it at the time ) we were able to get through the first presentation without breaking down into tears , and then the vacation bible school coordinator came in and told us we were moving to the church sanctuary . It was a huge blessing to move from our tiny classroom to the sanctuary , and although I had to re - structure our presentation to fit that new setting , it ended up working out much better than the classroom ever could have . That is where God needed us to teach to be the most effective , and I 'm so happy that it worked out that way . I even got to use a microphone , which I have to admit - I just LOVE having a microphone in my hands . It brings back memories of my childhood when I had a play microphone and I would sing for my pretend audience Each presentation got better and better as the day went on , and when we finally finished I was relieved . Even though I knew we had a lot of work ahead of us , and it was going to be a rough week , I felt better knowing that we survived the first day , and that it would only get better from that point on . When I got home , I didn 't want to sleep . I just wanted to sit on the computer and read blogs about miscarriage and get on thebump . com to read the miscarriage / pregnancy loss message board . Although , I was glad to have those resources available - I quickly realized that having a miscarriage during the week of vacation bible school was the best possible time to have it , because I was so busy that it didn 't give me time to sit at home and feel horrible over this loss . One really good thing did come out of reading miscarriage blogs , because I found an article from a Christian author who suffered from several miscarriages , and she said that it was okay to be angry with God . That was a natural feeling and that we needed to take that feeling to the cross , and let Him help us deal with that part of the grieving process . So , that 's what I did . I talked to Jesus and I told him that I didn 't understand and that I was angry that this had happened to me . After talking with God , I decided I needed to read the book of Job in the bible . Job was a righteous man who feared God and hated evil . Satan was sure that he could get Job to speak against God , and said this , " Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has ? You have blessed the work of his hands , so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land . But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has , and he will surely curse you to your face . " Job was put through many tests in an effort by Satan to get him to curse against the Lord ; he lost his possessions , his children , and his health . Although he lost everything , Job did not lose his trust in God , and when nothing else was left , he had God and that was enough . God eventually spoke to Job and even restored his possessions , health and family and gave him even greater blessings than he had before . That night , I spoke with my husband about what I had read in Job and I asked , " Do you think that maybe I 'm going through a test ? " His reply changed my entire week , " It 's very possible . Whatever you are going through , God is only allowing it to happen because he knows that you are strong enough to be tested . He knows that you won 't give up on Him . " I also remembered a prayer that I had prayed to Him a few months prior : I was watching a movie at a monthly bible study we attend , A Greater Yes : The Story of Amy Newhouse , about Amy , who was a high school student who had a huge heart for Christ . She was diagnosed with cancer and I won 't spoil the story for you , but basically God used her suffering for a greater purpose : to save others . It was such a powerful story to me , and I just prayed , " God , whatever I need to go through in this life to bring you glory , let your will be done . " " God is our refuge and strength , and ever - present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear , though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea , though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging . " - Psalm 46 : 1 - 3 " Hear my cry , O God ; listen to my prayer . From the ends of the earth I call to you , I call as my heart grows faint ; lead me to the rock that is higher than I . For you have been my refuge , a strong tower against the foe . I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings . " - Psalm 61 : 1 - 4 " My soul finds rest in God alone ; my salvation comes from him . He alone is my rock and my salvation ; he is my fortress , I will never be shaken . " - Psalm 62 : 1 - 2 |
Summary : An interview of Maxine Albro and Parker Hall conducted by Mary McChesney on 1964 July 27 for the Archives of American Art . Albro speaks of her educational background including her work with Paul O ' Higgins and as an assistant to Diego Rivera ; of fresco and mosaic techniques ; her mural at Coit Tower for the Public Works of Art Project ; mosaics at San Francisco State College ; her relationship with George Gaethke , Urban Neininger , Ralph Stackpole , Bernard Zakheim , and others ; the Allied Artists Guild ; the influence of the Federal Art Project on her career ; and Ray Bertrand 's lithography project . Parker Hall comments on his fresco at Coit Tower and other projects . Also present at the interview is Robert McChesney . Biographical / Historical Note Maxine Albro ( 1903 - 1966 ) was a mural painter and mosaicist in Carmel , California . Her husband , Parker Hall , is a mural painter . Provenance This interview conducted as part of the Archives of American Art 's New Deal and the Arts project , which includes over 400 interviews of artists , administrators , historians , and others involved with the federal government 's art programs and the activities of the Farm Security Administration in the 1930s and early 1940s . Transcript Preface MAXINE ALBRO : Well - - first I began at the California School of Fine Arts and then I went for one winter to the Art Students League in New York . Then the next year I went to the Ecole de la Grande Chaumiere in Paris and then after coming home , I decided to go to Mexico and study with Diego Rivera . I did get down to Mexico and I did study fresco painting with Diego 's assistant but I never studied with Diego , himself . I watched him ( Diego ) as he worked and got acquainted with him and we talked a little bit , a little bit in Spanish , a little bit in English . I enjoyed talking and watching him but I never studied with Diego . Although watching Diego was very beneficial to me . MS . ALBRO : He was helping paint and preparing the paints and so on for Diego . Later , I went to his studio and he helped me there to learn how to do fresco . I learned a great deal from watching Diego and some of the other artists too , Orozco as well and some of the other artists . I went to Paul 's ( O ' Higgins ) studio and we actually made frescos so that I could see all the different stages . Then coming back to this country , I knew the technique of fresco painting and had several quite large commissions in fresco . MS . ALBRO : These were before , yes , and then Coit Tower - - and I can 't remember just what I did after that . I did several mosaics after that . The one that came after that was the design on the outside wall of San Francisco State College . That was over the entrance of the State College and that was a WPA project . I was supposed to do the designing and never having done any mosaics before and in fact , none of us had , they had to find an Italian mosaic setter who came and taught us how to do it . Now all of this mosaic - - there was no glass used in it , it was all marble from Italy and these pieces of marble would come , and the Italian would show us how to break them up with our hammers on blocks of iron . It was very interesting . I think there were about eight people working and I drew the design first and then we got to work learning how to make the different things that were in the design such as the people and the animals and the flowers . We had to learn how to cut them . MS . McCHESNEY : Who were the other people working with you ? Do you know the names of the other people who were working with you on that project ? MS . ALBRO : It was quite a large design . It went over a corner entrance into the College , although I couldn 't tell you exactly the dimensions . I wish I knew exactly . I suppose we could figure that out but it was quite large . The entrance went across the corner , so the design was more or less of a lunette shape . You remember the picture over here . MS . ALBRO : That was done all in colored marble . We had quite a large range of colors . It was soft . The mosaics that are being done now with so much Italian glass are much more brilliant but it was nice because it didn 't jump out away from the building at any place and yet it was very visible . I mean , you could see it as you passed and you didn 't have to get up and look closely at it . It just wasn 't - - the colors were soft . MS . ALBRO : Yes , it was . Would you like to bring over some of those pictures ? I 'm not sure . I think the idea that it was one of the entrances to the college - - I think that influenced me . I had two figures sitting under a tree reading books , perhaps studying . MS . ALBRO : Then I had more or less California flora and nature . So I worked in the students and the various flora and something . There were animals . It was purely a decorative thing , as you can see - - butterflies many times the size they should be . If we were thinking about the thing in exact size terms which we didn 't . MS . ALBRO : We don 't exactly know where this mosaic is now . We 'd like to know . The college was remodeled and this entrance was torn down and a more practical entrance was made and we heard that the mosaic was going to be taken to the other college , the new one , up town a little ways , out of San Francisco . I think it is called the San Francisco Center . MS . ALBRO : It was Haight and Buckannan . The address of the one now , I 'm not quite sure , but it is quite a little ways out from the heart of the city . It is a very nice place . The buildings are lovely . Well , we went out there to try to find it but we couldn 't and we talked with some supervisor of buildings and he said he didn 't know where it was . That it might be packed away somewhere but that he hadn 't heard where it was and that he would try to find out if that was so . However , we never heard from him . So , the chances are that perhaps in getting it off they may have destroyed it . We don 't know . That would probably be it . It would be difficult to get off in the first place unless they were exceedingly careful or an expert would try to do it . We had the regular concrete backing and we had our sections of mosaics and there is one picture there showing how we put the mosaic on the different parts . MS . ALBRO : Yes . This is the Italian - - this is Mr . Neininger right here . He later went to New York . I have never heard anything about him since . He was awfully nice and a wonderful workman , very talented too . This little Italian who was a mosaic setter , marble cutter , mosaic setter . He was a wonderful help and was good natured . He always had a cigar in his mouth . There are some pictures there working up on the scaffold . It was an interesting project . MS . ALBRO : Oh , yes . Well , I hope that he is getting along very well because we all liked him and thought that he was a great help to us because he not only was artistic , but he always seemed to know just what to do at the right time . MR . McCHESNEY : He also worked with us on the Herman Volz mural at Treasure Island , on the federal building . He did all the paint mixing and that sort of thing . MS . ALBRO : Yes , he was very practical and seemed to know just what to do . He was very valuable to us . Then there was George Gaethke . I 'm sure you have his name . MS . ALBRO : Because later on he did a good many things on his own . When he was first getting started , they put him there as a helper and I enjoyed him too . He was a fine person and he made beautiful lithographs later on , very beautiful . I don 't know what he does now . I haven 't seen him for a long time . MS . ALBRO : Yes , I believe so . I made lithographs , perhaps it was after that . I 'm not sure . I made several lithographs of Indian subject matter , a large head of an Indian , a child 's head of an Indian and a picture of an Indian pot in red , black and white . Those were awfully interesting . If I had time , I would look them up and show you . I think that the Coit Tower and the mosaics and the lithographs , I believe were all that I did for the project . Was it WPA ? I know that the first was the PWAP , when President Roosevelt first put the artists to work . That was his very first venture at giving the artists jobs . That was fascinating . That was the time we did the Coit Tower . Then later there were many of us that had to stop because it got to be more of a relief project and then later , a little bit after that we were sorry but if we had any other means of livelihood , why we had to step out , giving our place to others who needed it , see ? So , that went on , I think , for I don 't know if it was a year or not , but then later they called back some of the artists to head projects and make designs and so they called me back to do this mosaic and I think I told you over the phone that I told Mr . Allan when he phoned to me to come - - they wanted me to do a design for a mosaic - - that I had never done any mosaics . I thought it was a fascinating medium but I didn 't know anything about it . He said , " That doesn 't make a bit of difference . We 'll find somebody to show you . " That was quite thrilling . I got busy on the design and just as soon as it was ready , why they hired other people to come and got the Italian tile setter to come and show us how to do it . It was really , I think , one of the most fascinating things I ever did . Learning how to do the mosaic and then getting the pattern all made in marble and then later helping to put it up . MS . ALBRO : Yes . It was my project , really , but I never felt that way about it , except that I had done the design , because the Italian was showing everyone of us how to cut this marble and there wasn 't any of us who knew anything about it . I didn 't know any more about it than the rest of them did . So , it was just a question of all of us learning how to do it . So , we all worked closely together and with a great deal of harmony and we all of us enjoyed it . I wasn 't the only one who enjoyed it , just because it happened to be my design . They all seemed to enjoy it and it was a lot of fun for all of us . MR . McCHESNEY : That was sort of the same thing that happened with Herman Volz when he did his mosaic . You know the big mosaic he did for the San Francisco City College . MR . McCHESNEY : He had five or six Italian stone cutters and mosaic workers . He didn 't know anything about mosaic work at all when he started his job . MS . ALBRO : It 's tricky to cut , at first , because you have to get the knack of just how to hit the marble with the hammer . It 's tricky but it didn 't take us long . Really , all of us got quite proficient at it in no time at all . MS . ALBRO : Well , I think a nice thing to do next time we go to San Francisco would be to go out there again and spend a couple of hours or more , I think , and since we 've been there , there might be more information about it . I hate to think it was just destroyed and thrown away after all the fun we had and so many people enjoyed it . There were a lot of people who like it . I had a nice little color sketch . I don 't know where that is . That was picked up with a bunch of photographs by the directors and carried away and I never did see it again . But , I like to keep my color sketches if I possibly can of a project , because if you don 't get very good photographs , that 's the only thing you really have to look at again . But it disappeared . It was a sketch , I would say about this large , inch scale or something like that . MS . ALBRO : I was asked . I know that he was the head of that committee , I believe , and there were several of us who were asked . I think he knew that I had studied fresco and I think the first idea was to try to find people who had done fresco so that they wouldn 't have to have a long siege of studying it before they could do anything with it . I had been doing fresco since coming back from Mexico , some frescos , and so I suppose that that was one reason why and then there were others who had been experimenting with fresco too . I know Parker had been working in his studio . He had been frescoing all the walls down around Montgomery Street . MS . ALBRO : So , he was asked to do one and so I 've kind of forgotten just how we were given the different wall spaces . Whether we were asked to pick a wall that we would like or assigned one . I know that I picked a wall that faced East . Let 's see , these four big murals were done in a center square , if you remember . You came in the door and , to pass by the one I did on agriculture , you go to the left and go around . At first , in walking around I was asked which one of those walls I would be interested in and we were all of us looking them over and considering , you know , the different wall spaces . I said that I would like the one that was way around . You walked way around to the other side and I said that I liked that one and that I would like the subject of agriculture because I knew that that would include all sorts of things , flower - growing and farms and wine - growing - - that is vineyards - - and all sorts of things like that that I enjoyed doing . Well , then in a few days I think it was when I was sketching , Victor Arnautoff , do you know him , came in - - the Russian ? He asked me if I would trade walls with him and I said , " Well , sure , Where is your wall ? " and he said , " It 's right next to yours , just turn left , Right next to this wall that you have picked . " He said that for his subject matter he had a feeling that he would work better on that wall than he could on this wall . And I said , " It doesn 't make any difference to me at all , I 'd just as soon have one wall as another . For my subject matter , any wall would do . " So , we traded walls . MS . ALBRO : They were the same size exactly . I don 't know how many feet . It was really quite large . Then , we were all making sketches and that was fun too , because we put great big sheets of paper on the wall and we 'd sketch in charcoal and we kept on doing that for some time . Then our sketches would be looked over by the committee and then we made trips around . I went out to a place where there were a lot of hot houses , green houses out towards South San Francisco and I went out there and spent a day making sketches and learning how to - - Then I spent another day going up into Sonoma Country and making sketches of those wineries up there and got in and asked a lot of questions and found out what they did and how they stored it away in those big vats and so on and so on . Then made sketches from that . And , oh I went around a good deal , making sketches , and then I 'd come back and work again on my sketch at Coit Tower . We were all of us doing that . That went on until the committee was satisfied with the sketches that we had there . So , then when they were satisfied with that , why we started transferring our design on tracing paper and they began grinding colors for us and we got a man in to do the plastering and the right formulas were given to him . He mixed up the plaster and the marble dust and so on with it , also sand . Then each day we would mark off the place that we wanted to work on . I always worked from the left toward the right . It seems to be natural for me to do it rather than going from the right to the left . So , way up in the upper left hand corner I marked off - - I think we used a kind of red chalk or something - - I marked off a space that I would like to do the next day which was way up here , up in there . MS . ALBRO : And we tried always to keep the line where we would end on our design by some sort of dividing line like around the haystack or the tops of these water towers or the tops of a row of flowers or hot houses . You always tried to find something so that when the plasterer would come up to it the next day , it wouldn 't show . So , we all began painting . Then little by little and we would get our pieces done . Perhaps I did that the first day . Then maybe the next day I may have done something like that . ( Indicating on the photograph ) . MS . ALBRO : Well , I don 't know , This was quite large , easy painting through there around the yellow hay stack - - I like those - - the hay there and this business . I could almost tell , if I went up there and looked at it ; I could almost tell where I divided my design . MS . ALBRO : Practically . Because we all were choosen about the same time to do this and then you know , Coit Tower wasn 't the only thing that was going on . There were projects all over the city . There was a very interesting project out at the Beach House at the ocean end of Golden Gate Park , and I was really crazy to do that , and made some sketches for it before they told me they would prefer to work here . MS . ALBRO : Yes , I was crazy to work out there , I don 't know what 's happened to that place now . It may be torn down . MS . ALBRO : I think that Lucien Labaudt went out there and did some designs . Later , he came into the Coit Tower and did the design on the stairway , you know . He did all of us . We all posed for him . We were the people going up the stairs . He put all of us in . It was fun . And with what was going on in the Post Office and in the Library and here and there in all the Colleges and everywhere , every place they could find a wall , why they set the artists to work . They weren 't all frescos . Some of them were and some were temperas or oil on canvas . MS . ALBRO : I made sketches of most of these people and one or two of them are people I knew . This was a boy that was working with me . MS . ALBRO : This was George Gaethke , I think , up there on the ladder . This down here is my husband , Parker Hall , right there . MS . ALBRO : This was one of the girls . Her name was Clemmons , I guess . I can 't remember anybody 's name . Then there were a couple of these men who were working up there on the Coit Tower , who were working out in the gardens of the Tower , and so on . I went out and got them to pose . One of these was the plasterer . I think he was that one . I think he was the plasterer . I went around making sketches . This is Stackpole , Ralph Stackpole right there in the corner . MS . ALBRO : Two or three . They were swell too . They were all Irish . Oh , we had a jolly time with them . They always had funny stories to tell , ha ha ha . MS . ALBRO : Well , I can 't remember just when we got started . I know that I worked up until about the first of May . Do you remember about when we started on the Coit Tower ? I think that it was in the Fall sometime but just when I don 't know . I finished about the first of May . I remember that . That was 1935 ? MS . ALBRO : Well , I was sorry to get through . We had a good time ; we enjoyed it . It was really a lot of fun . MS . ALBRO : We went up one day before it was opened . When I told the woman there at the desk that one of the murals was mine , why then she let us in . She took us through her office and around inside there and let us into it through a back door but they weren 't letting any of the public in until they could get the places roped off . We haven 't been back again since . But , Dorothy Puccinelli did the repair work and I think it is the most wonderful piece of repairing that I have ever seen in any form of art work . I don 't know how in the world she ever did it . Here these things were frescos and the color of a fresco mellows and changes from year to year a little bit , you know . But her colors , that I think she did in tempera , were exactly the sane and you couldn 't even see where she had cut it away and put in new plaster . Couldn 't see it . MS . ALBRO : It was just marvelous . She and Helen Forbes were working out at the Beach . There was a building out there but I don 't know what the building is for . It seemed to be a kind of a museum , didn 't it ? And there was a children 's play - yard in it and a nursery and that sort of thing . They did these beautiful pictures of sea gulls and other very large birds of some kind . I think just saying sea gulls doesn 't sound too interesting but it really was . If you 've ever seen it or ever could see it , I think you 'd enjoy it . She and Helen Forbes worked , I think , for about the same length of time or maybe even longer than we did down at the Coit Tower . MS . ALBRO : I think it was . I don 't know what else to tell you except that we all enjoyed working there very much and worked with a great deal of harmony . The caretaker was an interesting old character too . We enjoyed him . He walked around and we got very well acquainted with him and I remember that we decided that we shouldn 't have any more visitors . The visitors were crowding in up there and they were rather disturbing . So , the next morning after we had decided that - - I think it was the caretaker who really wanted us not to have any more visitors - - the next day someone said that I was wanted at the door . So , there were three little old ladies there and they said they knew me very well . I didn 't know who they were . I had no idea who they were . However , later it came to me that they were three little women who had a restaurant out , somewhere out beyond there where I had been occasionally when I wanted some good home cooked food , why I 'd go out there to them . And , they said that I had told them when I was eating in there one day that if they would come , why I would let them in and take them around and show them everything . I suppose I did say that too , because there were lots of people coming and they were very eager to see , but it happened that they came just the day after we had made this decision that we wouldn 't have any more visitors . So , what to do ? Well , I said that they had decided just yesterday that we couldn 't have anymore people going around in here and oh , the disappointment on their faces was too much for me . So , I said , " Well come on in " then and so I took them around and the caretaker , he was very jovial . He was Irish too . He gave me one dirty look , but after that he was amused about it and I shook my fist at him behind the women 's back . We walked down and around and he followed us all the way around til we finally put them out the door , But , we couldn 't keep visitors out of there . They came up to the door and just begged to come in . They 'd stand , I don 't know how many deep outside the window , DonMR . HALL : Yes . MS . ALBRO : Well , I don 't know . It didn 't seem to me as if there was too much criticism . Let me see , was that from the communistic period ? MS . ALBRO : Yes . He had the communistic books in the mural , that they were reading at the time . I remember , so there was quite a bit in the paper . MS . McCHESNEY : Well , at one time the project was closed down , wasn 't it ? Were you there when it was closed down ? The story that I heard was that a man named Clifford Wight , who was an assistant , painted a hammer and sickle way up somewhere on a beam that you can barely see , I 've heard . Somebody saw it though . MS . ALBRO : Well , I believe they said that they would close down the place and they wouldn 't let any of us continue unless that was taken out . I think he did take it right out as I remember . He was an Englishman you know ; he is back in England now and has been for many years , but I think that he kind of liked explosive subjects . MS . ALBRO : Yes . He was helping Diego Rivera and then he helped him again when Rivera did his commission there in the stock exchange in San Francisco . Clifford Wight during the war was among the group of men that rounded up the old bombs and took them out to a place and set them off and it was a very , very dangerous job , but he enjoyed it and laughed about it . He told us about it one time when we saw him . He told us about going into restaurants with his crew with bombs on their trucks , unexploded bombs on their trucks and they would stop out in front of a restaurant and run in - - some little hole in the wall or some place like that and go in to get a cup of coffee or something . The people would just scatter and crowd in the back part and give those fellas their seats and serve them quickly . So , the waitresses would begin running with cups of coffee and feed them as fast as they could , so they would get out . I think that Clifford always enjoyed doing something that would cause a stir . He was kind of that type . MS . ALBRO : He painted some very good looking things . He had a long - - spaces which were between the various designs . These long spaces that - - I guess I don 't have any pictures . MS . ALBRO : Yes , they are . They are good paintings . He was a good draftsman . Then Ralph Stackpole had a very nice fresco up there . MS . ALBRO : He was here in Carmel . He had been down in Mexico visiting his friends down there , he and Jeanette , his wife , and Peter ( Stackpole ) went down to get them , brought them back and they came to Carmel . Did you know Mrs . Salinger , ( Pierre 's mother ) , who used to have a gallery in San Francisco ? MS . ALBRO : She lives here now . She lives in Carmel . Her name now is Mrs . Carleson . Well , they stayed with Jeanne Carleson . I just happened not to be here that day and they phoned for us to come down quick but they were just passing through town . Parker went down . However we went - - one time when we were in Paris - - we went to the American Library because we heard that he had an exhibition . There was a gallery there that allowed Americans to show their work . So , we rushed out to it but it had just been taken down and he 'd just been there the day before and taken the things away . Can you find that catalogue ? Do you know where it is ? But , anyway the attendant - - I 'll see if I can find it . I think we 've almost finished . MS . McCHESNEY : Well , I wanted to talk to Mr . Hall about his mural too . You were just talking about Ralph Stackpole , the sculptor who did the big Pacifica at Treasure Island . MS . ALBRO : I wanted to tell you how we had almost seen a very fine exhibition of his stone carving at the American library in Paris . But , unfortunately we missed it but we got a catalogue of some of the pictures and found that they were very beautiful pieces of abstract sculpture . I do wish we could have seen them . MS . ALBRO : I don 't know whether he paints or not . His wife Jeanette used to paint but she had to give it up because she got so excited over it that it made her positively ill . So , she gave up painting but now she has gone into embroidery paintings . There is a great deal of that done in Europe anyway and so I think one of her pictures hangs in NATO Headquarters over there . Isn 't it NATO ? The big beautiful new building . MS . McCHESNEY : Parker Hall , you also did a fresco at the Coit Tower but yours is upstairs . What size is it ? I 've never been up there to see it . MR . HALL : I 'm not at all interested in sports but when the assignments were made up there , there was a committee that first passed on what the subjects would be . They tried to make it so there wouldn 't be two or three murals all depicting the same idea and the various areas were designated for certain subjects . It happened that the area that I was given was sports . It had to be sports . MR . HALL : Yes . It was kind of interesting to try to make a design in the corner there . It was rather a difficult place . In the first place , to design something that had to be seen from such a very short distance . It was rather high and it meant that you had to have your eyes roam in various sections all over the wall . But , there was a rectangular corridor up there , maybe about six feet wide and there were - - let 's see - - one , two , three , four murals being painted there . MR . HALL : Jane Berlandina , and a Japanese boy . . . I don 't remember his name , and Edith Hamlin . She was doing tempera using eggs . That gave one aroma . I was using plaster and it gave another , and it was really quite fragrant . Ha ha ha MR . HALL : Let 's see . There is - - one , two , three - - I think Jane Berlandina had a small room at the end of a hall . So , maybe there are three murals , three different murals in the hallway and then at the end , there was a room about eight feet square , I 'd guess . I don 't know what it was used for . And she did the whole room , four walls . It was rather interesting . Do you know her work ? MR . HALL : Yes . Well , I was down in Mexico too when Diego was painting and the thing to do there was just to sit all day and watch him paint . It was just fascinating and of course , as he painted , it required new preparation of the wall and so on . We watched it very carefully and so when we came home , why we had to experiment . Maxine had been painting some murals - - MS . McCHESNEY : How did the early interest in Rivera 's work happen to develop ? How did you happen to hear about the fact that he was doing these frescos in Mexico ? MR . HALL : Well , Maxine , in the first place , was down in Tehuantepec , Mexico , painting just because it was beautiful . Of course , it happened to be the time when Rivera was painting in Cuernavaca where his most beautiful murals are . There is not a lot of foreign propaganda . It 's based on the history of Cuernavaca . MR . HALL : He knows the Mexicans and it 's part of his blood and it is just a beautiful honest painting . It is by far his most beautiful painting . MS . McCHESNEY : No , in Mexico City , No , we didn 't . We only spent a very short time in Mexico City . We were in Guadalajara more . We saw quite a few Orozco murals but we didn 't see too much of Rivera 's work actually . MS . McCHESNEY : Were there many American artists at that time who went to Mexico because they were interested in his work ? It is rather interesting , during this series of interviews , to find that fresco had developed so much more interest here on the West Coast than it did back East . Even on WPA they couldn 't find people in Washington who were trained to do fresco . Part of the project 's idea was to have these frescos done . There are no trained people available . So , I 'm very curious to find out how - - Somebody told me they thought the climate had a lot to do with it . MR . HALL : It seemed particularly adaptable to the Spanish architecture of the heavy walls . Perhaps that 's why you don 't see many of them anymore . They are not building the type of wall that would be suitable . The reason for the fresco was just to make it a part of the wall but now if you have a wall that isn 't plaster , you 'd better use something that is a better pigment and so on . I think it might be as you say . The California architecture seems to be the most appropriate for fresco . MS . ALBRO : Oh , I had that out a little while ago and I am listed as one of Diego 's students . There are several names there and Ian Robinson was one and who were some of the others ? Can you remember ? MS . McCHESNEY : I remember reading this in the book that Diego wrote called , " My Art , My Life " or , he had somebody ghost write it for him . He mentioned this man Clifford Wight about whom we were speaking earlier as being an assistant in Detroit . MS . ALBRO : But , that really isn 't correct . Although I used to watch Diego and I had on occasion taken him some pictures to criticize . Maybe you would call that studying with him - - making pictures to be criticized . Still I never really worked under him as a teacher , you know . So , I really don 't think that that is correct . However , because I was there such a long time and hung around and I knew Frieda and so on . So , Mr . Wolf , the author , thought I was a student . MS . ALBRO : We have some reproductions too that are awfully nice . He just left . He left a lot of trash he didn 't want you know . MR . HALL : I showed him some work and he told me some things - - not as a teacher , just to help . He was so nice . Always helping . MS . ALBRO : He would always sit down and consider it and give us very careful criticism . Maybe you would consider that partly studying with him . I don 't know . I never felt that I was a student of his although I was terribly interested in him , in everything that he did . MR . HALL : In this book it mentions that there were some things that he was able to put in murals that had impressed him about a year ahead . Making portraits of a fellow who was shot while he was in a restaurant , and so on . MR . HALL : No . I worked on the sculpture project . I did the lecturn , the carved lecturn for the San Francisco Medical College . Is that up on Parnassus Street ? That old building ? MR . HALL : I don 't know where they are now . I thought that was quite nice . I don 't know if I have a picture of that . I also did the proscenium arch over the lecture hall in the school . MR . HALL : It was carved in wood . I designed it and carved a little over half of it . Then I was told that I was off the project and some other fellow finished it . He was given it to finish because he was still on the project . I believe his name is on it but anyway I did the design . MR . HALL : No . I don 't think I put my name on . It doesn 't matter because anyone , I 'm sure , from the way I draw , would recognize it without a signature . MR . HALL : Yes . I think there was a cutting down on the number of people that could work on it . Perhaps I was put off because I had a little extra money . I don 't know why . MS . ALBRO : Well , it was , you know , because they changed it . They called it the WPA then because it was a workers relief project and it was only for people who needed it to live on . Any of us who had a little bit , we were interviewed to find out exactly what we did live on and if they found that we had a home and enough to eat , why those were put off . Then later they took us back on again . MS . McCHESNEY : - - - on the project . These people didn 't have to be relief people ; they could be chosen from people they thought would be able to do a better job . I forgot what the percentage was . MS . ALBRO : We were awfully glad to get put back on again because we enjoyed it all so much , you know . We were certainly pleased when they called again . MS . McCHESNEY : When you went back then , what did you do ? Did you go back on the project too ? After being off for a while ? MR . HALL : I finished the mural and then , I don 't know what I did in between . I think I was on continuously but I 'm not sure . I made some drawings and so on . My lithographs I didn 't do on the project , you know . That 's all I did . MR . HALL : I think Joe Danysh . That is , I don 't think it was the sculpture project . He was in charge of the art project . I don 't think as far as my job was concerned there was anybody over me . MS . ALBRO : Parker , professionally is really a wood carver . He did paint too for his own amusement but he was really a wood carver and stone carver . MS . ALBRO : We just love seeing them again up in San Francisco . You know Ruth Cravath and her sister - in - law Dorothy Puccinelli , Dorothy Cravath and who are some of the others ? Bob Howard - - Adie . ( Adeline Kent , deceased ; Robert Howard 's wife ) MS . ALBRO : They live over in Monterey . They are swell . We 're just crazy about the Bruton girls . One of them lives down in Ojai but the three of them went off together . They go off together on these trips . A couple of years ago they went to Greece and now they are in Europe . We always see their pictures when they come back . We enjoy them . They were on some kind of a project too . MS . ALBRO : I hope they are home because I know that you will enjoy going over to see them . Helen is a marvelous person . She is so exuberant and so frank . MR . HALL : It was a running design following the proscenium arch about a foot and a half wide , all the way around . It was wood , walnut . In those days walnut , you could buy . Now , it 's just used for jewelry . Ha ha . I think it was about 35 cents or 40 cents and we thought it was pretty high for a foot then . Now , I think it is about $ 2 . 00 . But , that was WPA . If we wanted to go on it , we could have walnut . It was a series of squares , about a foot square , each one having the symbols of something to do with the medical profession used in a decorative sort of way . MR . HALL : Oh , undoubtedly . Is that still the medical college or have they moved ? I know . It was on Parnassus Avenue , I think . MS . McCHESNEY : Bernard Zakheim did some murals there as I recall . I think the building is still there . They 've added so many new buildings on the hill . It 's a huge complex now . I imagine the old buildings are probably somewhere in that maze if you looked around . MS . McCHESNEY : Well , how would you sum up the period ? How would you sum up your experience on the WPA ? Do you think it had much of an influence on you as an artist ? Or on your career as an artist ? MS . ALBRO : That would be hard to say . I don 't know . I think that it gave all of us a tremendous boost because we were offered these nice , big walls which isn 't a very usual thing . That certainly must have been quite a feat to accomplish for many of us who hadn 't worked on big walls and had only worked on canvas , easel , you know . To have a larger wall to design for and to think about it in an architectual way , undoubtly was a very fine influence and very encouraging for most of us who went on to do other bigger walls too - - not bigger , but big walls . I think that the influence was wonderful and the encouragement , the opportunity , you know , having the opportunity to design and to work in a group and in a big way - - MS . ALBRO : No . That was a private project , through an architect . The commission that I had down here on one of the large haciendas was very interesting and that was done before . That was done just a little , about a year before . Oh , here it says - - now this was a picture , a reproduction that came out in the " Arts and Decoration . " It says here , " May l932 . " See , that was quite a long time ago . MS . ALBRO : That was fun . They had these perfectly charming little buildings . It was quite an extensive place . They wanted to give it the overall feeling of perhaps a monastery , you - - - END OF SIDE ONE MS . McCHESNEY : ( Present also is Robert McChesney ) We were just telling about the first fresco that you did when you came back from Mexico , I guess it is . The first large one , is that right ? MS . ALBRO : Quite well . They are a little faded but I think they 've held up pretty well . They 've made changes over there at the school . They 've had to enlarge it but not this little patio , the little place where the buildings were so cute . They had a cobblestone floor . Those , I think , are still just the same . I don 't think they have been changed at all . But there are parts of the buildings that have been changed . I think that if you would go over to the school , you could see them . If you cared to see about it , I don 't recommend it especially , but if you have lots of time , if you 'd like to do it , why you could go to the Catalina School and you could ask for Sister Karen , she being the head sister over there . I 'm very fond of her , she is a charming woman - - and she would show you . She would show you that little patio and tell you how the frescos are doing . I haven 't been over there now for several years . MR . HALL : Mr . Mack , who owned the place when we were working on it , was quite a devout Catholic at that time . He had just been converted to Catholicism a little before . So , he liked decorations rather stressing the eccelestical symbolism and so on . And on the entrance there , I made a little Saint Christopher in a niche . MR . HALL : I also did two angels . I presume they are angels . They are figures with wings . One I think has a lamb and one , something else . MS . ALBRO : Well , he happened to like our work and so he wanted us to do them . The thing is , when Mr . Mack first started this building , he saw something of mine in an exhibition and he phoned to me and said that he was building a large place down in Monterey and that he would like to have something of mine somewhere on the walls . So , I said , " Well , I am on my way to Mexico and I won 't be able to do anything , but if you want to wait until I come back , which will be almost a year ( I went down with the idea of staying about eight months ) I will be certainly glad . " He said , " Well , that 's just fine . That makes it better than trying to do somethng now because then the place will probably be finished . " When I came back and I went to see him , he still wanted me to come . I said that in the meantime I 'd learned to do fresco painting . I said , " If you 'd like to have me do something , why I would be very glad to give it a try . " So that was my first job after I got back from Mexico . And I was delighted to be able to put into practice what I had learned about fresco painting . Then , it was after I had finished this - - a few years later , wasn 't it ? When the PWAP started in . So , then I had this experience back of me and I could go ahead then with fresco work there . This was one of the commissions that I had after the Coit Tower . This was through an architect . See this , it doesn 't fit together very well right there but - - ( looking at photograph ) MS . ALBRO : This is the proscenium arch . And what condition it is in now , I don 't know . I was back there and went in to see it quite a few years ago . It must have been at least five or six years ago that we went ahead and saw it . MS . ALBRO : Another fresco that I did was down at the Allied Arts Guild in Menlo Park . I went down there - - this was one of them that was - - this book of mine is coming to pieces . MS . ALBRO : They 're in Menlo Park , just - - well kind of out in the country , but I think you could find it easily if you are going past sometime . It is just after you pass through Palo Alto . Menlo Park is the next one , south of San Francisco . MS . ALBRO : Yes . Well , we haven 't been there now for such a long time that we don 't know what they are doing . This was the whole fresco . This was a little roof there just outside the wall as you start in . It is all grown up now with trees and shrubs and things . But , this was the patron saint of craftsmen . What was his name ? Then I had these little medallians of - - I think - - do I have it here ? Let 's see , what does it say ? MR . HALL : The Allied Artists Guild started as a place where there would be art in action all the time . Since then it kind of changed and they have , I believe , some little shops . Originally it had a different idea . MS . McCHESNEY : It does , those columns really frame them as you look through . That shot there looking through the garden into that little portal , whatever you call it ? MS . ALBRO : This was that little patio over here . One fresco , I think it was a tempera , washed off the wall and so Sister Karen had me come over and do it again . So , I went over . That was inside of Mr . Mack 's little study . I painted the Virgin of Guadalupe on the wall . I was just full of this stuff on account of being in Mexico , just reeking with it . There is nothing I loved more than painting the Virgin of Guadalupe . Ha ha ha - - - I 'm not Catholic , but I just loved these things . They were so Mexican and so charming and , oh , I just had the best time . So , I worked there . Oh , this was the one that washed off the wall . Little Virgin of Los Remedios and so I repainted that again after the sisters moved in . MS . ALBRO : They were a jolly group , those sisters and they did everything . They just did everything . They repainted the whole interior and they fixed the floors , gardened , what an energetic bunch of women . They were really remarkable . MS . McCHESNEY : Parker did you get any mural commissions or any other sculpture commissions from - - being on the PWA [ P ] or WPA ? Did anything develop for you along that line ? MR . HALL : A wooden carving over the entrance way . It is supposed to be Cleo , the goddess of history . Sort of the muse of history , you know . MR . HALL : It was a free standing figure in a niche . It is about four feet high , I guess . She 's holding a book . MR . HALL : It was rather inaccessible . It was wood and it was painted . It gave a very nice effect when it was new . I don 't think anybody took care of it up there . It 's been a long time . It may look much better now . MR . HALL : Well , I think it had , as Maxine said , given us a little boost at a time when we needed it and it made us think that everybody wanted art . There was a little let down after that . Ha ha MR . HALL : But it rather established us , I imagine . It is an interesting question . I 've never thought of it . We just kind of went on from there . MS . McCHESNEY : You don 't think so ? Why would you say that ? You don 't think that the product was of enough value or that it didn 't help the artist enough ? MR . HALL : Well , I don 't know , that would take a lot of thought , wouldn 't it ? It never occured to me . MS . McCHESNEY : Many European countries , of course , do . Most Scandinavian countries have for years in one form or the other . You know , established some kind of pension system or commissions . MR . HALL : Europeans seem to adapt themselves to a welfare state and art seems to be one way of getting them started . People begin to look at pictures perhaps before they read books . And I think that we 've had enough of that in the United States and I don 't think the artist is really helped much by government assistance . MR . HALL : It had an effect on the large corporations because they saw the advantage of art as an advertising media and also obliquely from their collections . They would get collections regardless of the subject matter . But , the fact that they had them was advertising . Now , I think the private corporations have taken over . I don 't think the government will be necessary again . Of course , the government is us ; we always think it 's someplace out there . MR . HALL : It 's always over there someplace . I don 't know . I wouldn 't come to a conclusion . These are very interesting questions but I 'll have to think about them . I really never thought just what the effect of that was . It undoubtedly had quite a boost for the artist . MS . McCHESNEY : I 've interviewed quite a few people who are rather well - known artists now and they think they probably never would have gone on or stayed with art if they hadn 't been able to be helped a bit just in that very crucial period . They were people , of course , who were probably 22 or 23 , coming out of art school and then there was absolutely nothing . So if you didn 't have that to fall back on , you would have gone into anything else but you wouldn 't have stayed with art . Dave Slivka , you know him ? He is a sculptor in New York now . MR . HALL : After having the opportunity of working , then they can get a job saying that they have done this work and if they had not had somebody to sponsor them , they wouldn 't have had that . Undoubtedly it helped the artist . MS . ALBRO : No . I went to a room , a large room , that would have several people working in it , doing lithographs . I used their crayon and their paper and their stones . Carrying these large stones to your studio would be impractical because they are so big and heavy , you know . MS . ALBRO : Ray Bertrand , yes . I got him to print some of my others afterwards . He went over to Marin County to live . I 've never seen him since , so I don 't know . But he is a good printer , a good craftsman . MS . McCHESNEY : Somebody was telling me that when they were in New York or Washington , they went into a public building and looked up and there were some of their lithographs from the project days hanging in Washington . Who was that ? Was it Herman Volz ? MS . ALBRO : They have them all in the Library of Congress , I believe , but I don 't know where it was that we saw this . Was it there ? MS . McCHESNEY : I asked because several people told me that Ray Bertrand , in setting up this project in San Francisco , revived a great deal of interest in lithography which apparently had sort of been neglected out here . Which was probably not true in New York , but I guess around San Francisco there was very little done . MS . ALBRO : He was printing for quite a good many people . He got so that he was an excellent printer and he was printing at the art school there too . I felt that he did a very fine job with these . He hadn 't had much experience in doing the color . I told him that if I did any at all , I 'd like to experiment with color . So , he was enthusiastic about doing it too . See , these required two colors . I did another one later . I went down there where he was working . But that wasn 't on the project . That was later . I would like to do some more lithographs . If I lived in a place where I could get the stones easily rather than here , I would certainly do it . But all these years I haven 't done any because we 've been living here and unless we go away somewhere and stay for a while long enough to do some , why that would be the only way I could do it . There is no one around here . MR . HALL : It 's in a private home . It 's just a shame that more people can 't see it . It was in the Italian style . MS . ALBRO : Julia Morgan was the architect , and she asked me to do a fresco in there because she said , " It 's like so many of the Italian buildings that had to have decoration to finish the building . " To make it look right , you know , with the long plain walls and the columns and all . So , I had the fun of doing one there that was about as long as that wall , I guess . There were several others . Up on Twin Peaks there is a lovely new home where I did some decorations on the walls . MS . ALBRO : Not so much . Not in fresco . Mostly it 's mosaic . I believe . I 'll see if I can find that in here . MR . HALL : I think it is the character of the walls . It 's not a plaster wall anymore . It 's not a stonewall . And there is no sense in using the plaster technique in a place where you can really make it more permanent with the modern pigments . Transcript available on the Archives of American Art website . Quotes and excerpts must be cited as follows : Oral history interview with Maxine Albro and Parker Hall , 1964 July 27 . Archives of American Art , Smithsonian Institution . Download Transcript |
Well , I got our beautiful holiday cards from Shutterfly and they are awesome ! I even got them mailed out this week . I haven 't heard from anyone yet if they like them or not , but I sure as heck do and I guess that is all that really matters . Oh , my husband likes them as well . So , they are out there in the world and I hope that they are liked . I haven 't had much time to update at all lately . It seems like the weeks are flying by . Kinnerly has started eating real food . So far she has had sweet potatoes and some butternut squash . She may be teething , but not really sure . I hope not . I want her to stay a little baby forever ! She sleeps through the night . Usually from 7 : 30 until 6 : 30 which is wonderful . I always tell people I meet on the street that she came out sleeping through the night , which is pretty much true . It is awesome . Makes me want to have more children ! Brannan has been somewhat of a little mischief lately . But , then again , he is 3 years old . He is super funny though and likes to be a stunt man and is always bonking his head or running into walls on purpose . The other day he was spinning around on the floor like he was a dog and he said " look mom , I 'm chasing my tail like Zeffie does . " Hilarious . And , Kinnerly was laughing at him . That was probably the best part . Life right now is in limbo . We are waiting on huge news . We may be moving to France ! I can 't believe it . I am scared and excited and nervous about it all . I have so many questions but we can 't do anything right now except wait and see . We will have to get the baby a passport though , that 's for sure . I am nervous that the husband won 't like it . I don 't want him to do this for me . He needs to want to do it too . We will have to have a huge life discussion about this when the final details come into play . But , this weekend we are going to be in the Tempe boat parade ! I am so stinking excited I can hardly contain myself . I am nervous , though , about how we are going to power our lights . I really need to get it all set up tomorrow night ( my birthday ! ) and havPosted by I started taking prenatal pills again . No - I 'm not pregnant . And really , they are just leftover from when I was pregnant . But , I can 't help but feel so totally nostalgic when I break them free from their little plastic container and pop them in my mouth . I think about all the kicking and the sore hips at night from sleeping on them and all the crazy dreams while I was pregnant . Granted , my baby is only 5 months old , but I am alredy missing being pregnant so much . I just love it . Well , I don 't love the " no alcohol " part , but I love the attention that I can draw just by holding my stomach , or wearing those awesome maternity clothes that really show off your belly . Or , while ordering dessert at a restaurant , justify yourself by saying " the baby really wanted that cheesecake ! " So , at night , while I am scrubbing my face and brushing my teeth , I look at the pack of prenatal pills sitting in the basket next to my sink and figure , what the heck , I 'll just go ahead and take them , it can 't hurt anything . Even if I 'm not growing a little baby in there , I can still take the vitamins , they are good for me . And , for a split second , I pretend I 'm pregnant again . I love your pretty blue eyes ! I hope you keep them . And , Daddy does too ! That is one of the things that he says most about you . He really hopes that you keep your pretty blue eyes . I still think you are pretty though , blue or brown eyes ! Today you slept a lot and we were babysitting , so that was great . You woke up a lot last night , but just needed to be wrapped up again and you fell back asleep . You really do need to learn how to sleep without a swaddle though , girl . The swaddle doesn 't keep you contained anymore . You are so strong ! I remember swaddling your brother up . One wrap and he was gone . He would sleep for 10 hours straight in a swaddle . You - you sleep for a couple hours max . But , that 's ok . Just a different kiddo ! Brother is screaming , gotta go . Aw , pretty girl , don 't look so scared ! It is just a huge gigantic flower on your head ! You are growing fast and furious . The other morning , I was holding you and I was drinking my first glass of cold water for the day and you just reached right out and swatted that glass right from my mouth ! I couldn 't believe it ! You just didn 't want me to have a drink at that moment , I guess . You smile all the time whenever I say hi to you and the most awesome part of my day is when I go and get you in the morning and your face just breaks into the biggest smile , it seems as if your cheeks might crack from the sheer pressure . I love it . And , I love you . We are coming into the holidays already and this will be your first Thanksgiving and your first Christmas . I know Brannan will command much of the attention , but you will be the prettiest girl in the house , no doubt ! I do love Christmas cards . There is something about them that makes me happy . Getting one ( or a few ) in the mail really makes me happy . It makes me realize that even though I may not talk to friends for a really long time , or only see them on Facebook , or just plain got out of touch with them , still shows that they care about me and my family . Yeah , sure , sometimes it is bragging . I don 't like those all - inclusive 8 . 5 x 11 printouts that tell you all about how so - and - so graduated college and that all of the kids are getting straight - A 's in high school , or how old that makes me feel even though I have a newborn and a three year old . Eh , I guess I started late , so what . But , I like the pretty pictures just to see how the kids are growing up or what sort of fun is being had along the way . I like seeing people on the beach on their Christmas cards . I like seeing snow too , since I don 't get to see it very often . Really , I just love pictures . A little glimpse into someone else 's world for a brief second . Anyway , I am going to use Shutterfly . com for my Christmas cards this year . They have an awesome selection : http : / / www . shutterfly . com / cards - stationery / christmas - cardsThis one jumped right out at me ( and not because it was the first one ) . I really like the black and white photos . I 'm gonna try to take some good pics of us so I can use this template : http : / / www . shutterfly . com / cards - stationery / cards - stationery / family - wall - red - christmas - card - 5x7 - flat ? sortType = 1 & storeNode = 93476Oh , I like this one too , but it is a fold out card and that means I 'm gonna have to write something on each card ! Ugh . http : / / www . shutterfly . com / cards - stationery / cards - stationery / gorgeous - gift - tag - christmas - 5x7 - folded - card ? sortType = 1 & storeNode = 93476Although , a wall calendar would be fun to make , but I don 't have enough photos to make one of these I don 't think . http : / / www . shutterfly . com / calendars / wall - calendarsFinally , you can get matching labels for the envelopes ! How cool is that ? http : / / www . shutterfly . com / cards - stationery / address - labelsGosh , I better get on tPosted by We had the worst Labor Day camping trip ever ! It started out that we lost the keys to the truck on Thursday night . Unbeknownst to us , the keys mysteriously fell into a pile of baby stuff that was carted off to our friends ' house that night . We searched high and low for 3 hours straight on Friday morning to no avail . And really , our house is not that big . The first twenty minutes could 've pretty much covered everything . Luckily , my girlfriend was allowed to use their extra truck from work to take us all up . So , we continued to pack to go camping but there was a mysterious undertone to everything . Everyone was slightly off edge and cranky . We got to our spot ( that we didn 't even want to go to ) late so we had to set up everything in the dark , which is a total pain in the ass . Friday night was ok . I didn 't feel like cooking at all because I hate to cook in the dark , and hate to eat in the dark even worse becaue I don 't know what the hell could be crawling around in my food . I really need to SEE what I am eating , at all times . So , I made some sandwiches for everyone ( without condiments because we seemed to have forgotten those too ) and some pasta salad . That was ok . A few cocktails later and everything was even better , but we had to get to bed because little children wake up really really early when you are camping . Oh , rewind to the drive up to the spot - my friend gets a photo radar ticket in her work vehicle ! OMG ! So lame ! Saturday was ok , but the spot that we camped in is really really dirty . I know that sounds really dumb since you are camping , but honestly , it has this terrible dirt that is black and is so super fine , it is like powdered sugar fine . Super annoying and when you are wearing sandals , your feet are instantly black . The boys took off to go to the lake and got lost for like two hours trying to find the lake . They come back to the campsite and decide to go shooting and my husband forgets all of his ammo in the car . Duh ! Whatever ! What else could go wrong ? They come back from shooting so late , I don 't know whePosted by Two months old ! It has been a little over two months since we brought our new little girl home . Things have gone pretty seamlessly too . It has been good adding another one to our family . She is filling out more and she is starting to look like a little girl now . She still has a little bit of the " froggy legs " left . It is super cute when you pick her up , she bends up her little legs like a frog . I absolutely adore it ! We have done so many things with her - things that we didn 't do with Brannan when he was that little . We already took her up to Montana for a two week vacation . She did great . She slept a lot and didn 't really cause too much trouble . We were able to do most things that we normally do with her . The only thing we did have a problem with was all of us going out rafting together . My sister in law watched her one afternoon when we went rafting which was awesome . It was so nice to get out and go rafting . We went up to our cabing for a couple of days and took out the little boats out on Bowen Lake in Glacier National Park . It was fabulous . We started out on the most pristine water I have ever been boating on . The water was literally like glass when we started out . But , after a while , the wind kicked up and started making some pretty good waves . We got a little wet , but that was ok . Kinnerly likes boating , she didn 't hardly complain at all . She liked that the boat rocked back and forth , I think . She slept most of the time . Well , she probably slept most of the time too because she was only 6 weeks old and that is pretty much what they do anyway . While we were in Montana we saw lots of friends , went to a waterpark where Brannan rode down the waterslides all on his own ! He was wearing a life jacket , but he loved it ! I had a lot of fun too ! I have always wanted to go to that little waterpark that we always pass when we go to GNP , and finally got to do it . We ate lots of yummy food - all the local produce wasn 't in yet because they had a really late frost so everything is kindof lagging up there , but we ate lots of lPosted by Well , little girl - you are five weeks old today . You have developed a schedule . You like to wake me up at 5 : 30 and get me out of bed . Well , that is ok since you don 't really cry , you just kindof grunt and make all these moaning noises . Somehow it wakes me up out of a dead sleep and I know you need me . And we have a little bit of time together until your brother wakes up . He has been getting up early too . I think it is because it is summertime and you both know that we don 't have much to do around town . It is torture leaving you all in the house all the time , but on the other hand it is just too hot to go out and do anything . But , we will be leaving for Montana on Saturday . I can 't wait . Your brother will be very happy to hang out with his cousins and play all day long . It will be interesting to see how it all comes down now that he is older . I just read a beautiful post about how a new Mom was saying how she didn 't know if she could love a boy as much as she did the girls . I cried . I mean , literally bawled after reading it . I honestly felt the same way about having a girl . I am so scared to deal with her boyfriends , her period , her body issues , her insecurities - all these things that I have to deal with . It just seems so much easier to be a boy . I mean , I 'm not one mind you . But boys - they just don 't care about a lot of stuff . There are things that I agonize over that the average boy really doesn 't care about . How I look in a shirt , how last year 's jeans don 't fit , how I hate my boobs . Gah ! I just feel bad bringing a girl into the world that has to deal with all this stuff . But , it will be good . I 'm keeping an open heart for it . I know she will be confident and self - secure and beautiful and worldly and wonderful . So , now the weeks just fly by . When I was pregnant with you , the days seemed to drag on and on . I feel really bad for a friend who is overdue today . She was due on the 30th and it is already the 8th ! They will induce her in two more days if nothing happens . I 'm sure she will be induced . Anyway , things have been going great with you , little smooshie . I 've been toying around with nicknames and haven 't really come up with anything great yet . Smooshie sounds good , no ? You have been sleeping a lot lately . Like , through the night and through the day . But , there are times when you are awake , which is great , and those times are usually during the day which is even better . You never cry unless we are out and about and I can 't reach you in your carseat . But , we took you and your brother up north to Payson for the 4th of July . It was super fun . I think you had a great time . Your brother and I and your Daddy certainly did ! Here we are in the park . We got there a little after noon and got the most awesomest parking spot and cumped all of our stuff out right in the park and had the greatest view of the fireworks . It was a pretty long day for everyone because we had to drive back home afterward , but it was so worth it . Your Daddy had to get out of town - he was getting a little cranky , so I suggested we head up there . He liked napping with you in the park too . And , now you are already three weeks old and counting . It is going by so fast ! We are looking forward to going up to Montana soon to see family . I can 't wait to get out of this heat and out of this house ! You are two weeks old today ! You lost your little umbilical cord button two days ago . I saved it for Daddy to see , but it fell out of your carseat when we went out to dinner . Oh well . It was pretty gross anyway . You have been opening your eyes a lot more lately and are inclined to stay awake for more than five minutes at a time now . However , you are still a wonderfull sleeper at night and I thank you very much for that . You are awake right now and want some food though , so I better go get you . And , you are a girl ! 7 pounds , 8 ounces19 " longHealthy and happy ! And , you don 't cry at all ! You are such a good little girl and I am very proud to be your Mom . Everyone told me that you were going to be a girl , and they were right . I guess I sort of figured it too since you were so different than Brannan 's pregnancy . You just hit me with sickness straight off the bat and didn 't let up - almost all the way to the end - just spurts here and there , but at the end there were some days of sickness . Anyway , we should start at the beginning ! You were born on June 16th at 2 : 25pm . You were due to be born on the 12th , but went a little later . I asked the OB if you could be induced because you were a couple of days past your due date and she said it would be ok . So , we scheduled you for a Wednesday . I was really quite nervous , but very excited to see you . I packed my bag the night before and got up really early in the morning , at about 4 : 15 - took a shower , packed all my last minute items and drove myself ( and you ) to the hospital . I decided that Daddy should stay at home with Brannan and let him sleep a little while since I was going to get all hooked up and checked and changed in the morning . That wasn 't something that your big brother needed to be there for . Anyway , I got all changed and hooked up to pitocin and started emailing and talking on the computer . It was really just to pass time . And , it did pass some time . Finally , Daddy and your big brother showed up around 9ish - right after I got my blessed epidural . I was starting to feel cramps so I opted for the epidural . It was super easy and didn 't hurt nearly as bad as the IV they put into my arm . Then , I couldn 't feel my legs and I didn 't have to get up to go pee all the time ! It was awesome ! So , your brother watched quite a few movies while the minutes ticked by . Your Daddy was working from his computer and I was chit chatting to others on my computer . I got checked periodically and around 2 : 00 Daddy decided to take your brother out for a little walk . The nurse decided to cPosted by Well - two . Only two days until you are due to arrive . Although , you will probably not arrive on Saturday , as has been predicted . I don 't feel any different - at least today I don 't . We went and saw the doctor on Tuesday , but she said I wasn 't " squishy " enough to induce . So , I thought we were going to have you here this weekend , but it seems like you want to spend some more time in there . I was really bummed at first , but then I told myself that you need some more time in there , so I don 't mind too much . And , I have been sleeping a little better the past couple of nights , so it hasn 't been terribly bad . Oh , and we have been preoccupying ourselves with finding a boat that we can hang out on , so that makes things a lot more fun . And , I have been thinking a lot about vacations , too , so that takes up some time . It has been so hot here lately that we have been spending a lot of the time in the pool . Your big brother has the cutest tan . He has the whitest little butt and is tan everywhere else . He is also getting really good at swimming . I think in a month or so he will be able to swim all on his own without us having to worry about him so much . I mean , we will still worry , but it won 't be so bad . He hasn 't put on his life jacket in a week or so , and we just let him swim around and around . He can actually keep his little nose and mouth above the water now ( his ears and head are still sunk , but he can do it ! ) . He jumps off of the diving board and the edge of the pool and can swim clear to the other side and grab the edge of the pool and get himself out . He has grown so much . But , today we are doing a little babysitting and your brother is on movie # 2 for the day . During movie # 1 he was pretty active , playing with trains and cars , but this movie has him watching pretty intently because he hasn 't seen this one for a while , so now he is just standing at the coffee table watching the movie . Anyway , other than swimming and movies , nothing too exciting is going on here . We have been tooling around town looking at boats and are goinPosted by Six ! ? ! Really ! ? ! Gah ! I remember when I was typing 222 ! It seems like this has taken so long , yet it has been so fast . These last couple of weeks though have been really really long . I am just so anxious to meet this little baby and to find out if it is a boy or if it is a girl . And , I want to make sure the little bean is healthy and happy . I know that this baby will be sleeping good through the night as you already do little one . You sleep when I sleep . There were only a handful of times when you kept me awake at night stretching and swishing around . But , lately , you have been so quiet . I think you have run out of room in there so you have been pretty quiet . Anyway , I have also been having conflicting feelings about the big boy too . I feel so bad that pretty soon I am going to have to divide my attention between him and you , little bean . I hope that he doesn 't get upset with me . But , I think he is still pretty young and should adapt quickly . I just want him to be happy and I love him so much , it is often hard to think that I will have so much love for another child . I hope that it is in me ! I know that people say it all the time , that it is a no - brainer , that having another one is easy as pie and you will summon that love out of somewhere . But , where ? Oh , I know it will be good and easy , but I am worried . So , we went to the doctor on Thursday . She checked me and said bluntly , " see you next week . " I said , " really ? " In a surprised / bummed way . I said , " but my next appointment isn 't until Thursday which will leave me 2 days from 40 weeks . " She said , " ok , then , come in on Tuesday and we will discuss induction . " I was walking on air . I think that we will have you before next weekend , little one . And , that brings us back , full circle , to the big boy . All weekend , I have been thinking that " this is going to be the last whole weekend where it is just the 3 of us . Swimming in the pool together , going places together , putting him down for his nap , having dinner together . " Soon , I 'll probably be feeding the baby while Daddy and big boPosted by Well , little one - you had me scared last night . You had me calling the doctor and going into the hospital ! I started feeling contractions about 2 : 00 yesterday afternoon . Your Daddy came home and I told him that I was feeling contractions and all he said was " Is that your way of saying you don 't want to go camping this weekend ? " ( insert sarcastic ha ha here ) . Not really . But , I brushed it off as Braxton Hicks contractions and went about doing what I was doing . But , then , around 5 : 00 I started feeling this horrible lower back pain . I was reading online that if you start to feel these feelings you should contact your doctor . So , I hmmmd and hawed over it but decided to call the doctor . She suggested that I go into the hospital to get checked and have you monitored . So , I did . I packed up my little overnight bag in anticipation of staying and having you at the hospital , but they didn 't think I was ready yet and said that I was just experiencing normal aches and pains of pregnancy . Now , don 't think that I am a complainer , because I really don 't like to complain , but it was really hurting and I really was having serious contractions . I only went to the hospital one other time for pain and that was when I had diverticulitis . I think if I would 've waited any longer that time , I would 've had a torn intestine and I probably would 've had to have had surgery . Luckily , it was caught just in time . Anyway , back to you ! So , after being checked and monitored , they sent me home and I got home about 10pm to a quiet house . No one stayed up to see if I was ok . But , I guess at least the porch light was left on for me . Well , today is a new day and everything seems better . I had lots of crazy dreams about you last night , giving birth to you , having you , but you know what , you never revealed to me if you were a boy or a girl . Isn 't that crazy ? At least , not that I can remember now . I still don 't know what to do about this upcoming holiday weekend , but hopefully something will come up . I 'm not ready . But , I am ready . I am currently sitting on the couch , in front of the fan , listening to a quiet house that has two sleeping kids and a sleeping dog in it , experiencing contractions . My water hasn 't broke yet , I think it is just Braxton Hicks contractions , but man , this hour has been full of them . Plus , they have been pretty frequent and are long in duration . It is right across my midsection too . I wonder if you are going to come a little early , little baby . Probably not - I think I 'm just getting ready . Plus , there is a whole 18 days left to go . That is almost half a month . But , I guess we will see . I 'm making banana bread so the house smells good too . Oh , and on a positive note - this " spring " has been so excellent for us . Not hot at all . And , we had an awesome cold front come through this past weekend that really cooled things off . Two days of having the doors and windows open all day this late in May is pretty unheard of . I am so thankful though that it hasn 't been hot . Being pregnant and hot isn 't too much fun . Luckily there is only 18 ( more or less ) days left . Then I can cool off with a nice cocktail . Ha ha ! I feel like your bedroom is almost finished . I just need to get some shelves for your wall . I feel bad that you don 't have a closet , but I guess that is ok - Brannan never really used his closet until this past year anyway , and doesn 't really use it - I mainly use it to hang his stuff up . You both could probably use the same closet , but I 'll see what I can do with some shelving on your walls . I 'm sorry you are going to have to look at a gun safe and a computer desk and an extra queen bed - but I 'm sure we will have lots of fun hanging out on the bed together . Probably not too much fun with the gun safe ( although your father will probably disagree ) or the computer , but hey , we have to put them somewhere . Our house is pretty small , like really small , but yanno what ? It is a lot better than what a lot of other people have . We have a pool and our own house and our own yard and we can paint the wallsPosted by So , we need something to do over Memorial Day weekend . Byron has a 4 - day weekend and I really , really do not want to go camping . I mean , I do want to go camping , but the idea of getting up and out of the tent 6 times in one night really isn 't appealing to me at all . It just kinda sucks thinking about it actually . But , maybe we will just go to get out of town . But , my other plan right now is to buy a boat . A pontoon boat specifically . I have one on the radar from Craig 's List . I have emailed the person twice already . Let 's see if it comes through for us . I hope so ! I have always wanted a pontoon boat ! It looks big , but not that expensive . I bet it is a scam . But , I hope not . Well , we are going to go get out of the house for a bit now . Yeeee haw ! We are almost there little one ! You have been being such a good little baby in there , I 'm going to be sad to see you out of there , although you are making me a little tired . Oh , and I can 't wait to sleep on my stomach again . I really do like to sleep like that , on my stomach , but right now I have to sleep on my sides , but yanno , that is a - ok with me if it is good for you ! You have been making my hips hurt a little too , but I know that will go away . I know I will be sad in like a year when I will want to be pregnant again so I 'll have to remember these times . That is precisely why I am writing this now ! Anyway , 25 more days . They seem to be flying by . I have most of your room prepared . I just need to find places for most of your clothes . Oh , and we need to find a name for you too . Maybe I 'll talk to your daddy tonight about names . I have a big list of names that I like so I 'll show him that list tonight while we are eating some dinner . Oh , and dinner - you have been making me not like dinner too much these days either . See , about a month ago , I was a voracious eater . Now , I really could take it or leave it . Breakfast is good - but usually consists of cereal or something sweet . Lunch , eh , that 's getting on the iffy side too . I used to start planning lunch at about 10 : 00 , but now , it is kinda like whatever is in the fridge . I feel bad too because I see the boys standing at the fridge , looking blankly at it , like there is nothing good in there to eat . And , since I do all of the grocery shopping , it is my fault that there isn 't anything good in there . The only thing I get excited about at the grocery store these days are good deals on diapers ! And , boy baby , let me tell you about this deal I found last week ! So , I am going shopping by myself on Friday because it was " boys day out " and they went to lunch and did their own stuff . So , I go into the local grocery store , head straight for the clearance section and a light shines down from above and I hear a chorus of " aaaaaahhhhhhhh " and see glitter in the air as I lPosted by The boy woke up so early today . 6am . Ugh . I think it is because the sun is getting him up earlier and earlier . Even though we have a duvet cover over his window , he still wakes up . And , I went to bed at 8 last night hoping to fall asleep , but got sucked into watching something dumb on TV . So , I finally turned off the TV at about 9 : 15 and woke up about 9 : 40 woke up super sick and had to vomit . Ick . Then I was up from 3 - 4 and was in a good sleep when I heard the boy wake up . Oh , and my hips were hurting too . Ugh , I don 't mean to complain so much , but I think this will be the last time I can complain about being pregnant since my husband doesn 't want to have any more children ( boo hoo ) . Anyway , the boy was complaining that he couldn 't find something this morning so I went into his room and said we would find it later and he just needed to lay down for a few more minutes . Then he said something that just crushed me . He said " Ok , Mom . You are my best friend . " Oh be still my beating heart ! ! ! ! ! ! I said " you are my best friend too , buddy , I love you " and walked out of his room back into my bed in hopes of catching a few more zzzz 's but I couldn 't stop thinking about what he said . He is just too damn sweet , I tell you . I know when he is like 7 or 8 or 9 I won 't be hearing this , and I hope he still loves me when he is 16 , 17 and 18 . These days are just so precious and I love every single thing he says . I want him to remember how he feels about me when he turns into a teenager . I only wish . I am so tired today . I can 't even think of anything good to say . It is getting hot here . It isn 't in the 100 's yet , but that is just around the corner I 'm afraid . I have pulled out the sun dresses and have been putting away all the pants . No need for them anymore . Especially maternity pants ! Although I did keep a couple out just in case I need them for something . I think I finally have the baby 's room all settled . All except for the clothes . I started going through them today . I have a gigantic bucket full of them from Brannan . It is amazing how many clothes I have kept ! Well , if we have a little girl , I think she might be wearing quite a few little boy clothes ! He can sing his ABC 's now . It is too cute . He skips over a lot of the middle part - mostly because he has a hard time pronouncing the letters separately , but that 's ok . I 'll let him keep singing . I am trying to teach him how to write . He is getting more interested in drawing and coloring , so I 'm trying to have that more easily accesible . He remember so much ! He remembers one conversation I had with him regarding naps . I told him that he needs to go to bed so he can get all his energy back so he can play again , and he repeats that to me all the time . It is too funny . This weekend we didn 't do much of anything - once again . But , that was ok with me . We moved a lot of stuff around . We finally got the " big boy bed " and installed it . His room looks great ! I kindof envy it ! He has all matching furniture and room for clothes in his drawers and a bookshelf that is mostly empty . It is pretty sweet ! New sheets and a new bed . He hasn 't gotten out of his bed at all at night which is wonderful . I was so worried that he was going to get in and out of bed all night but he hasn 't . He is such a great and wonderful boy . He listens pretty much all of the time and I couldn 't ask for a better child . I just hope that the second one is just as good . : ) I am bummed today . Well , bummed and excited . We are trying to buy a bunk bed set on Craig 's List . We still don 't have an answer from the sellers but I am really hoping that they will sell it to us . I 'm sure they will . But , I am bummed because soon we are going to be moving our Big Boy out of his crib and into a big boy bed ! : ( Awwww . . . . He really likes his crib . He doesn 't get out of it , although he can if he wanted to . He always asks if he can get out before he climbs out and I even tell him he can get out but he doesn 't . I am just sad because this is such a big milestone . He is transitioning from his crib to a bed . I mean , I knew it was going to come sooner or later , but now with the baby only 53 days away , we have to do something for the new baby . I guess we could 've kept him in his crib and used a pack and play for the baby , but yanno , we are going to have to do it at some point anyway . Just another step in his growing up . Awwww . . . . This weekend was a blur and pretty nice . Although yesterday was pretty warm , temperature wise . Friday I had a nice " girl day " out . I went and got my toes done and right after that had a facial . It was really nice . I wish I could 've had a massage , but it just isn 't nice right now being pregnant . I mean , a prenatal massage is pretty nice , but I want to lay on my stomach and just have the tar massaged out of my back . That is the best part - when you put your head in the donut and you just sort of drift around in consciousness and not really think about anything too deep . Anyway , soon enough , I will be able to get a regular massage . I can 't wait ! Although , I will be really sad when I am not pregnant anymore . I am not sure how I feel about this one being the last baby . It is so much fun being pregnant , but Byron has made it abundantly clear that he does not want any more children . I may be able to persuade though , wink wink . Well , then on Saturday we went to a company picnic . It was nice . This company goes all out for their employees , I must say . It was really nicely catered ( as well as a picnic could be catered ) with tons of food and they even had beer ! They had 3 bounce houses and face painting and balloon sculptors and volleyball . We mainly just sat at the picnic table though and watched Squeakers jump in the bounce houses . He had a blast playing with the other kids . It was fun to watch . And , admittedly , I don 't feel much like moving around these days . I am so doggone tired from being pregnant it is unbelievable ! If I remember correctly , I had a lot of energy with the first pregnancy , but this one is totally wearing me down . My feet hurt at the end of the day and I really just feel like sitting on the couch and watching TV . I feel rather guilty though when my husband is chasing after the boy and doing stuff with him , but then again I feel like it keeps him busy and he likes to do that sort of stuff . After the picnic we came home for some nap time and then we had dinner with our friends . It was good to have them over fPosted by The days , they are a - tickin ! Only 58 days to go ! Brannan has the most adorable thing he does lately . It goes like this : B : Guess what ? ? ? ? Me : What ? B : I LOVE YOU ! ! ! ! ( but it sounds like I loe you because he doesn 't really say V 's yet ) It is the most precious thing in the whole world and it melts my heart when he says it . I could be in the worst mood or frustrated with something and he will bust out with this little diatribe . It is so funny and it makes me laugh . Oh , and also he has learned how to make farting noises with his black bath duck while in the tub . It is hilarious . Whenever I laugh he asks " I make you laugh mommy ? " Yes , little man , you do make me laugh , you do . We have been recovering from last weekend . The whole event was rough , and it feels like there is something missing from the house . I haven 't had the guts to move her bed outside so the other dog can lay on it out there , and whenever I walk down the hall into the other room , I see the bed there - empty . She always laid on that bed . I tried to keep her on that bed because she was starting to get a little incontinent and I didn 't want her on the rugs or on the couches ( not that she could jump up on the couches anyway . ) But , the bed is empty every day and every night it stays there . I have only seen the other dog lay down on it twice since she has been gone . It is just a constant reminder that she is gone . I know she is gone and I think I have accepted it , but she was with me for 14 years ! That is such a long time ! She was one of my children . She was my first child . I had to make arrangements for her , I had to sometimes pass on things because I couldn 't bring her with me , I had to make sure she was fed and watered and cared for all of the time . I always think that dogs are sort of a precursor to children . Whenever I see couples with dogs , you know that the next step will be the kids . I was telling one of my friends that even though you know that you will outlive your dog , it is just so hard to prepare for it and to live through it . I mean , 14 years - that is a pretty long time to live with another living being . I also feel sad for the other dog . It seems like she is more quiet since Leia has been gone . I don 't know how to explain it - I mean , I guess she has always been quiet , and she does the growling and the barking at random things outside , but somehow , someway , she seems more quiet around the house . It is hard to explain . I have been giving her a lot of " inside " time this past week too . Normally , I would keep the dogs outside most of the day because it is so nice out there , but I have been letting the other dog in a lot so she can hang out with me during the day . The only thing I am glad about is that Leia didn 't havPosted by It was a very rough weekend . This past weekend we had to say goodbye to the best dog ever - my dog - my Leia dog . We had gone out on Friday night to " movies in the park " at the local park . It was a ton of fun and Brannan had a good time watching Coraline the movie . We sang along to songs on the radio on the way home . We got home a little late , about 9ish , and Byron was tending to dragging everything into the house and I went straight for the door to let the dogs in . The dogs came crashing in , as they always do , so so so happy to see us , ran past me and straight to Byron . He was standing in the living room right where the tile meets the hardwood . The dogs all crashed into him and Leia 's back legs gave out as she slipped on the tile and she cried like never before . I started to scream and Byron kinda looked all around underneath him and just grabbed Leia and held her chest so she was hovering over the ground . She was still screaming and yelping her little doggie yelp like it hurt so much . I knew it hurt so much . I knew something bad had happened to her . I didn 't want to face it , but I knew . He laid her on her side on her bed that is right here in the kitchen . She started to shake in pain . I petted her and she wouldn 't look me in the eye . We looked at her leg and it was all kindof tucked up next to her . She wouldn 't stand up . We laid her there and just looked at her , not knowing what to do . I knew we had to do something , but it was already so late at night . I knew we were going to have to wait until morning . We gave her an asprin and started to get the baby ready for bed . I felt so terrible and I knew she was in terrible pain . I kneeled down next to her on her round bed and petted her and cried . I knew it wasn 't going to be good . I busted into the baby 's room and said we need to get her to the animal hospital and I can 't lift her into the car myself . He curtly said to me " can I just get him into bed first ? " At that point I knew he wasn 't going to let me take her to the hospital . We left her there for another half hour , herPosted by You know when you are a Mom when you are in the parking lot and you look for a parking spot next to an empty grocery cart instead of a parking spot closest to the entrance . Going to the grocery store today was funny . I let the big boy do his " own walking " and had the little one I occasionally watch in the cart . She was doing just fine talking and smiling and watching things go by . The big boy wanted to push the cart ( from the front and walking backwards ) , so he actually wanted to pull the cart , through the grocery store . He was a pretty big help and I really only needed a few things anyway ( but ended up with half a cart full of stuff ) , but when I started zigging and zagging , he followed , but I got frustrated because it was going so slow . I finally got him to pull facing forward so he didn 't have to worry about running into things and we got around a little quicker . We checked out , went out to lunch , got pooped on by a pigeon , dropped my water bottle in some stagnant fusty water and got home . After I unloaded all the groceryies , I noticed a huge pack of Always pads on the counter . I was like " wth ? where did these come from ? " Well , I guess big boy wanted me to buy them so he put them in the cart for me . Um , yeah , no . Now we have to go back and return them . No biggie , just funny that I never saw them in the cart or in the checkout line as we paid for everything . It totally snuck right by me . Ok , so it is getting really close . 82 days ! Today I had another ultrasound . You looked great and you are growing steadily . At the last ultrasound ( one month ago ) they said you were only in the 9th percentile . Today you are in the 22nd percentile ! Yay baby ! Grow baby grow ! I was supposed to take the glucose test today too , but I guess the leftover chorizo burrito would skew my numbers too much so I will have to go back later this week to do the test . Bummer , especially since we had a babysitter for your big brother . Pappy has been doing an awesome job of babysitting your big brother . He even changed a poopy diaper today with one arm in a sling . I have no idea how he did it , but he said he managed it . Wow , thanks Pappy ! Right now your big brother is taking all of his crayons out of his bin and spreading them all over the kitchen counter . We went out to lunch today after our appointment - I was hoping to get one of my favorite items of all , the salmon salad at Pasta Pomodoro , but alas , they were out of salmon ! Dang them ! So , I had to have the chicken salad instead . It was pretty good and man did it fill me up like the dickens . I am still not hungry . I think that will be my one meal for the day . Although I think you might like a milkshake later on for dessert . You were so cute on the ultrasound today , but you kept your little arms in front of your face so the tech couldn 't get a proper picture of you - but I saw your cute little nose and your little lips and your chin - you look so much like your big brother it is amazing . I know you will come out looking just like him and being the cutest thing on the planet . Only 82 days left in there little one - make the most of it ! Love , mommy Oh wow ! So sorry it has been so long since I posted ! I really wanted to mark the 100th day because it was such a milestone , but dang , here we are 5 days later and only 95 days left of this pregnancy . My husband keeps saying that this pregnancy will be the last one . That makes me a little sad . I wish we had a bigger house so we could have more kids - and I wish that money wasn 't such an issue too - kids can be expensive ! I wish , I wish , I wish . But , anyway , he keeps saying that this will be the last one but I 'm not so sure . Maybe , just maybe , I can convince him into having another one . Although I am getting up into the " advanced maternal age " thing . Ha ha ! That is something to laugh at ! I sure don 't feel " advanced ! " Well , the point is is that I really would like to have just one more kid . Actually , I 'd like to have two more to make a 6 - pack ! Ha ! I don 't think I have enough time left on my maternal clock though . . . But , baby - I have been feeling you twist and turn and kick around a TON lately ! It is so fun to feel you and to wonder what you are going to be like . You have been spinning and flipping like there is no tomorrow . Although , the one complaint I do have is that you have been making me sick - A LOT ! I have yet another cold - and , at least it isn 't nausea , I have been sick so many times this pregnancy , it is strange . When I am not pregnant , I am usually really healthy . I never get sick with a cold - only once a year , but man , this year I am feeling you ! Brannan has been sick too and whenever he gets sick , he gives it to me . At least this one is on its way out . Finally , just a little bitching - so , I have been reading a lot of blogs lately , and it seems that EVERYONE is putting up a stupid " donate " button on their blog for the dumbest things like going to BlogHer or buying crap for themselves . I mean , I understand asking for money for families that have cancer and need help , but , sheesh , c ' mon - if you can 't afford to go to a stupid conference , just deal with it ! And , if you can 't afford to buy crap for yourself , dePosted by The time is getting closer . It is amazing how fast the time goes . This Saturday I will be 6months pregnant . I can 't believe it . I remember last year , all those times when I would wait and wait for the right time to take a pregnancy test hoping that it would be positive ! I can 't believe that it is already half over - this pregnancy . It is more than half over ! Wow . Only 114 days left . And tomorrow , we have another ultrasound . I think that my due date may be pushed further back though because they said that at my last ultrasound a month ago , the baby was measuring a little smaller than I think it should have . I 'm excited to see what they say tomorrow . I 'm babysitting a friend of the family right now . She is about 6 months old . It is awesome to watch her develop . When I first started babysitting her a few weeks ago she could barely sit up on her own . Now , all she wants to do is sit up ! I 'm watching her right now chew on a toy and sitting there in the front room without a care in the world - especially one that could make her fall over . She is such a professional at it ! And , to think , in 9 more months , I will probably be witnessing this with our child . We don 't know if it is a boy or a girl . I will be happy with either one , and as everyone says " as long as it is happy and healthy . " Although , I am kindof secretly hoping for a boy because I really like boys . At least at this stage . I don 't know if I can handle all the princess - y crap that little girls are so into these days . And so much PINK ! I mean , c ' mon ! Do we really have to buy everything pink for little girls ? I admit , I am coming around to the thought of more pink , and even have incorporated it a little into my wardrobe ( something completely unheard of a while ago ) , but do we really need to buy so much pink for little girls ? Also , I don 't want to have to deal with all that princess / Disney / dress - up stuff . I mean , SO MUCH STUFF ! Not to mention some of those dress up gowns run over $ 50 a piece ! Can you believe that ? When we were at Disneyland a while ago , I was so shocPosted by I swear , when that child sleeps , he is the cutest thing in the WORLD ! I just want to curl up right next to him and spoon him until he wakes up - but that would probably wake him up anyway . I want to kiss his little face and feel his forehead and smooth out his wispy hair . He looks like a little angel when he sleeps . I bet everyone says that , but boy oh boy , he is so scrumptious I want to eat him up with chocolate sauce and sprinkles on top ! Anyway , yesterday was the super bowl . It wasn 't too exciting . We went to a house that was soooo far out of town it was a long drive . But , the house was really nice . I wish we lived in a house that nice . I didn 't get to see the upstairs , but I bet it was pretty cool . I wouldn 't even mind the drive I don 't think . It had a humongous backyard with a pool and two grassy areas . Sheesh - one of these days . Brannan got sick last night too . He woke up at 1 kindof coughing and I felt him and he was pretty hot . I took a few covers off of him but he woke up at 2 saying he had " boogies " and needed to blow his nose . Byron picked him up and he started hacking and then threw up the 2 brownies he had for dinner . He was really hot too . Over 100 degrees . So , I stripped him and put him in some new jammies and we watched Shrek . We finally got to bed about 3 : 45 and he woke up at 7 : 30 . He is still kinda hot today and super snotty so we are sticking close to home today . He is napping now and I need to go and take one too . There is a pot roast in the slow cooker and it feels like winter today . The baby is kicking and making me want ice cream . I better do something about all this . . . Last night was a huge milestone . Brannan pooped in the toilet ! ! ! ! I know , I know , TMI - but I have to record this somewhere . Honestly , I think it was a bit of an accident , but hey , at least he was on the toilet and we didn 't have to toss another poopy diaper in the trash ! Daddy was getting him ready for the bath , sat him wide - legged on the toilet so he could pee and then voila ! A nice little log came out ! We were running around the house shrieking for joy and offering treats and chocolates because of this huge accomplishment . We put him to bed praising his wonderful BM . Then today , I take him to lunch , sit him down in the chair and catch a whiff of his nasty pants . Shoot . Back to the drawing board . Since I can 't come up with titles to my posts , I figured I might as well just countdown the days until the baby is due . That way I can look back and remmeber how I was feeling so far out ( or so close when the time comes ) . Anyway , Byron 's birthday was good . We had Meaghan come and babysit ( she is great with Brannan ) and we went and blew $ 170 at Flemings ! OMG ! It was all a gift card for watching some friends ' dogs for two weeks , but man , I don 't think I 've ever spent that much money on one dinner for two people before - and I wasn 't even drinking ! So we were going to see a movie , but dinner ended up taking so long , we missed it and went to Monkey Pants instead . It was weird being in a bar and drinking water only . I can 't imagine doing that all the time . It is probably one of the last times I will be in a bar for a while . I found out yesterday that my unemployment benefits have run out . Man , that gave me a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach . I really , really , really don 't want to go back to work . I don 't know what I am going to do . I don 't have any sort of career goals - I really just want to be a mom ! I don 't know what my husband thinks . We haven 't sat down and talked about it just yet . I think we may be ok with just his income , but we need to sit down and talk it out before we make any moves . Plus , with the baby coming , it just doesn 't seem right to start in on some career path . Oh , who knows . More about all that later I think . Anyway , I have to get dinner ready . Everything is feeling good baby - wise . I haven 't had hardly any nause and I have been feeling the baby moving around a lot more lately . It is getting pretty exciting being at 20 weeks . And , I got approached by a woman today asking me for pregnancy / workout advice at the gym . Pretty good for the ego , that 's for sure ! Wow ! The days sure are flying by lately . All of our visitors have left today . It seems like 10 days just flew by , and we didn 't even get half of the projects done that we wanted to . Oh well , at least we got the flooring in and half of the countertops . One of the countertops didn 't work out so well , so it will need to be redone . Fun fun . We had an ultrasound on Tuesday . Here you are little puddin pie . . . Mommy drew some funny stuff on your face . Daddy and I think you are a little boy - mostly because everyone else thinks you are going to be a girl . At the ultrasound , the technician looked at your privates , but we didn 't ! We looked at each other and giggled a little bit knowing that in 142 days you are going to show them to us and let us know who you really are . I posted this picture out on Facebook too . Not too many people commented on it . I guess they didn 't find it as funny as I did . Oh well . Today we are having a major storm . All this week things have been rainy and windy and wet . I love it , but unfortunately we had visitors from the northlands who didn 't really need to see clouds and rain . Oh well - I can 't predict the weather . I made lots of food and tried to keep everyone happy . Sunday was a really tough day for me . Up early for the marathon , then cooking , then running around the marathon for 2 hours looking for people , then hosting a little party . Whew - I was dog tired ! I haven 't been that tired in quite some time , honestly . So , now I am catching up on all the laundry and things are kindof back to normal . Daddy is reading a bedtime story to the big boy and then putting him to bed ( in his OWN bed tonight ! ) . Brannan has been in our room in his pack and play , but man , he is a light sleeper - AND he talks in his sleep ! He was talking about ice cream last night around 2am . He just kept saying " my ice cream mommy " and I would say " shhhhhhhh , it is still night night time " and he kept saying it so finally I said " ok , brannan , now go to sleep . " Too funny . Anyway , nothing major happened while everyone was here on vacatiPosted by One hundred and fifty days to go little puddin ! Puddin pie ! What are you up to in there ? I haven 't heard from you in a while . Things in there have been a little quiet . We are going to see you soon though . On tuesday we are going to see you ! Daddy is going to come too . We have visitors in town right now so the house is a big mess and kinda crowded . We got a new wood floor in the front room today though , so things in there look really nice . I can 't wait for just a little more space , though . At least we will be able to sit on the couches again . I really don 't have too much time right now , but just wanted to let you know that I 'm still thinking about you and can 't wait until Tuesday when we see you ! Do we say " twenty ten " or is it " two thousand ten ? " Not sure . I guess I haven 't really been put to the test yet since my toddler barely cares what day of the week it is let alone what year it is . Anywho - it is already the new year and it is starting out great . We finally got most of the house painted . Just a few touch ups here and there . We ripped out the front room carpet - I wish we weren 't storing the old carpet behind the couch , but whatever , I 'll just deal with it . And , we got the wood flooring here , so we are all ready for my brother in law to come and help with the handiwork . I can 't wait for the new floors to be in . It will look great . Oh , and we got our countertop laminate , and I really need to go and get a new sink . I can 't decide what to get - another stainless steel or should I get a black ceramic ? All the other appliances in the kitchen are black , so maybe a black ceramic sink ? Ugh , not sure ! Maybe my sister in law can help when she comes to visit . They will all be here on Monday . It should be fun . We are scheduled to go to Disney on Ice one night and then there is the big marathon that is really the whole reason they are coming for ( as well as other family members ) which should be fun . I guess I should make a big dinner for Sunday night , but I 'm not sure what I should make , and if I can make enough to feed everyone . There are going to be a LOT of people here . I don 't want to make any decisions . I guess that is why I have been called a pushover . I don 't want things to go wrong , so if I happen to make the decision to do something and everything falls apart then I don 't want it to be my fault . Well , whatever . I 'm going to feign tiredness or something so I don 't have to be involved in too much . Brannan has been so good lately . He has been really loving . He comes up to me and gives me spontaneous hugs and says " I love you mommy ! " It is the cutest and most endearing thing ever ! And , he even wants to sit with me now and then when he is watching Sesame Street or something in the morning . He is still taking napsPosted by I 'm a 33 - year - old , new Mom to a gorgeous baby boy named Brannan . I 've been married to a super - cool guy for over 4 years . We live in a nice little house . He works and I work and we try to do fun things on the weekends . We love to go to the zoo with the baby . We also love to go camping and take road trips out of town . We try to get out of town as much as possible . We also like hanging out with our friends . I 'm eternally searching how to become a SAHM and read SAHM blogs incessantly . I 'm hoping my fairy godmother will bop me on the head one day and say " wish granted " ! Oh , and I 'd like to move to a different city , too . ( Update to this - My wish got GRANTED ! ! ! ! I am now a SAHM and I am sooooooo soooooo soooooo happy ! Words cannot even describe how happy I am ! I am borrowing a quote from a very COOL lady I met and saying that I got the " Employee Karma " ! ! ! I worked for so long busting my ass , and now I get to be with my baby ! How cool is that ? ? ? |
I , of course , am a little late in posting this video . But I still thought it would be fun to share my growing belly with you all . If you just wanna see a quick version of my belly growing skip the video to 2 : 10 . Enjoy . I am writing about this for first time parents that have no idea what the heck they are doing . Just like me . So maybe you can be a little more cautious and know what to look for . After my Christmas day emergency surgery , we thought our sick days were over . Man , were we wrong . Matson instantly got sick right after Christmas . Probably brought on by all the stress of having a newborn , having his wife almost die / lose a bunch of blood , and then having to take care of his newborn and anemic wife . A week after my surgery I caught something ( possibly the sickness Matson had ) and was throwing up for a weekend which sucked having on top of being super weak and recovering from losing so much blood . After recovering from that though we seriously thought that we had all been sick enough for the winter ! Then almost a month ago , toward the end of February , Nixon woke up with a cough and lots of mucus . It was a Saturday so we just chilled all day until I took him to my sis in law 's baby shower . I had no idea what to do so all day that day so I just held him to try and get him to sleep . I had heard and knew that if I took him to the doctor they couldn 't give me any special medicine or anything for my little baby so I just gave him a little bit of baby tylenol . While we were at the baby shower other moms were telling me things I could do for his little cold . If I didn 't hold him he would wake himself up from coughing . He slept decently that night but Sunday he was even worse . We gave him more baby tylenol and saline drops before I would use our nose aspirator to get as much mucus out as I could . At night I put just a little bit of baby vapor rub on his feet so that he would sleep good because he hadn 't been sleeping as solid as normal during his naps that day . Sunday night he slept SO long . His little body needed more sleep to get him better . He woke up that day pretty normal and happy . But as the day went on I could tell he was getting worse . He napped his normal afternoon nap , but woke up breathing fairly bad . He was wheezing . I recorded his wheezing and texted it to Matson . Matson responded by telling me that I should definitely call our doctor . It was too late to get an appointment for the day so I just talked to a nurse and she told me the symptoms to look for to know if it was more serious than a cold . She told me if his breathing wasn 't good ( he was struggling or really using his belly too much ) , was wheezing , had a temperature over 100 degrees or if he stopped eating . He wasn 't too bad with any of those except just a slight wheeze but it was off and on so I just decided we would go into the doctor the next day . I fed Nixon and then Matson and I went with my siblings to my grandparents house to eat with them like we do every Monday . * * BACK STORY : Nixon has ALWAYS been a big eater . I couldn 't measure how much he was eating the first 10 days of his life , but during my surgery and afterward when my milk supply was low my sister in law gave us some of her frozen milk and we gave Nixon bottles and he ate ( or drank ) 5 - 6 ounces . He has ate / drank 5 ounces or more ever since . He has always been a BIG eater . He literally is his own alarm clock with feeding time . He loves it and lots of it . * * Anyway , back to the story . After coming home from my grandparents Nixon would not eat . I was trying and trying almost like he was a newborn again forcing him to latch but he would not . He was freaking out and crying like crazy . I knew he had to be starving but he would not . He was obviously hungry and wanted to eat . He would go toward me like he wanted to eat but then would barely latch and pull off . After literally trying for almost a half hour I decided he wasn 't going to eat and then he was just so mad . He was more than just crying . He was red face full on wailing . I tried to calm him and make him happy . I tried everything . He loves listening to me sing , so I tried all his usual favorite songs . That didn 't work . I tried books , toys , lights , walking around our house , rocking , bouncing , and finally he calmed down ( just a little bit ) when I put on this visual stimulation baby thing that my niece loved that my parents found on YouTube . He was still whimpering , slightly crying , and now wheezing rather strongly . Matson had been trying to calm him down with me but now that he kind of was , Matson called the nurse again from our pediatrician 's office . The nurse asked Matson his symptoms . After this nurse told us that she was very concerned that he wasn 't eating and that nothing was calming him down like normal , she told us that if it was her child she would never put that baby to bed without him getting checked . Since it was now 10pm at night , she advised us to go to the ER . So that is what we decided to do . We grabbed all of Nixon 's things ( blankets , diaper bag , PJ 's ) and I threw on a hat . We got right in the car with our crying babe . He was so unhappy , hungry , and now tired . We walked into the ER . It was PACKED . Literally there were probably 30 - 40 people in there . Matson told me he would check in and for me to just sit down with Nixon in his carseat . Someone with a black eye , sick kids , people with broken bones limping , and all I could think about was how this was going to be a VERY long night . I thought that it would take forever for us to get called in . I was wrong because right as I was thinking that I heard a nurse call , " Nixon . " Apparently a sick 10 week old baby goes right to the top of the list . We walked into the small room where a nurse was there waiting for us to tell her all about what was going on . We told her about how he was ok until early evening and how he wouldn 't eat and nothing would calm him down . She told us she needed to take his temperature , weigh him , and check his oxygen levels . We woke him up , which he wasn 't too happy about . But he wasn 't wailing like he was before . Just kind of whimpering . They weighed him and he weighed 14 lbs and 10 ounces . He gained about 6 ounces in a little less than a week since he was weighed at the doctor 's office . After she checked him and everything she took us to our ER room . We sat in there for a little while . His ER nurse and ER tech came in , checked his vitals again , and hooked him up to the monitors . Nixon 's nurse told us that Nixon 's oxygen levels were too low and that he needed oxygen . Instead of hooking him up to oxygen they gave me a little tube that had oxygen blowing out of it . I held it right below his nose . The oxygen was definitely helping to raise his oxygen level . The ER pediatrician came in and told us a little bit about what they were going to do . That Nixon needed to be tested for different viruses . So they took some of his blood to be tested . The doctor also told us that a respiratory therapist was going to come in and suction some of the mucus out of Nixon 's nose . Nixon obviously didn 't like any of this , but he especially hated when the respiratory therapist used this small little tube to go down his nose and throat to suction out mucus . Matson held Nixon down while the therapist suctioned out his mucus . While we waited for hours for the test results to come back Nixon fell asleep in my arms . Matson and I were exhausted . It was now about 1am . The nurse got us some waters and snacks , which was very nice of them . The tests came back positive for RSV ( Respiratory Syncytial Virus ; which later became Bronchiolitis ) and Rhino Virus . Matson and I weren 't too surprised but we were very worried . Since we are first time parents , this was a whole new world . We had no idea what to do but we were more worried than ever . We just wanted our little baby better . At this point , the nurse also told us that they needed to X - Ray Nixon to see his lungs and other things . This was horrible too . We went into the X - Ray room . Matson held little Nixon down on a metal ( and very cold ) surface . Nixon had to stay still so Matson really had to hold him down strong . Nixon is a strong kicker and wasn 't happy so he was really kicking . After doing multiple X - Rays to get a good , Nixon fell right back to sleep in my arms again . After all the test and X - rays ( it was about 2 : 30 am ) , the doctor came in and told us that Nixon needed to be admitted to the hospital . He told the reason being is that his oxygen levels were a bit low . Normal they want babies with RSV to be at 92 or higher but our Nixon was sitting at or around 88 with oxygen being blown at his nose . Without the oxygen , he was going to as low as 83 . Although we were exhausted and bummed to be staying at the hospital , I was happy because I knew this meant that Nixon would at least be getting better or being monitored so that nothing horrible would happen to him like him stop breathing . I badly wanted to go home , but knew that the hospital was the right place for us to be . Our ER tech , who was a Provo High alumni ( YUCK . Haha . Our high school rival ) , was such a sweetheart . We were really sad to not have her anymore . It 's funny how we again and again got attached to nurses and techs . She took us upstairs to the pediatric floor and into a rather large room that had a crib ( for Nixon ) and an extra hospital bed ( where I slept ) , two rocking chairs , and a pull out chair bed ( where Matson slept ) . By the time we got up to our room it was about 3 am . Matson hurried and ran home to not only take my family 's dog to my sister and her husband , but to also grab us a few essentials like a change of clothes and our toothbrushes . While Matson was gone our new nurse and tech got us all set up . She gave us diapers , wipes , more drinks , snacks , and she talked to me about everything . Supplies , paper work , where to breast pump , and all sorts of goodies . They hooked Nixon up to oxygen and gave him a feeding tube . He DID not like getting the feeding tube put down his throat and into his belly . It was so sad to watch . Nixon had to be fed through a tube because most babies before age 2 mostly breathe through their noses so when they are sick and have mucus they can 't breathe through their noses very well . So when they go to eat and latch on to breastfeed they cannot breathe at all . So they refuse to eat . This is why he had to be tube fed . So I pumped every time that Nixon fed and the nurse would put my breastmilk in a big 2 oz . syringe that was hooked up to a machine that slowly pumped the breastmilk into the tube that went straight into Nixon 's belly . Anyway that night was very tiring . Matson came back to the hospital with our stuff and we just stood looking at our little baby at 4 am in his hospital crib . He was exhausted too and was finally asleep . Matson and I stood over his crib and I will be honest , I just cried . We prayed together and then tried to get a little sleep before we woke up at 7 am . For the next four days , we had quite an emotional roller coaster . One day he would be looking like he was getting better but then a coupe hours he would be bad again . The doctors were moving his oxygen levels up and down and up and down . He was getting suctioned ( the tube thing that went down his nose / throat to get the mucus out ) 4 or more times a day . Nixon was sleeping a lot more than normal . He literally was sleeping all day long . He was so tired . One day he woke up and I could tell he just wanted to play . I sat in the hospital crib with him ( don 't worry it holds up to 400 pounds and parents are allowed to sit in it ) and played and sang with him . It looked as though he was getting better but then that next night they turned his oxygen levels up higher than ever before . When they came in and told us that they had to move it up to support his oxygen more I just balled . I was so sick of him being in the hospital and carrying my baby with all these tubes and cords attached to him . I just wanted to be back at home with my happy baby . Nixon normally eats about 5 oz . and has since early on , but they were only feeding him one 2 oz . syringe of breastmilk . So on our second day at the hospital Nixon decided he didn 't like that and that he wanted more . He cried and cried and cried . We kept trying to figure out what was wrong and finally I realized it had to be because he was hungry . The nurse told us that he had just fed him some milk in his feeding tube . At this point I didn 't know how much milk fit into each one of the syringes so I asked and he responded by telling me 2 . I knew right then that it was not nearly enough for our big eater . So I told the nurse that he may be so unhappy because he is still hungry . The nurse looked shocked when I told him that Nixon eats 5 oz each feeding . He laughed and said that that was DEFINITELY why our little guy was so upset . So he went and got another syringe of milk warmed up and Nixon was much happier . Mid day on our first day in the hospital Nixon was acting like he was bored . Our sweet nurse brought in a mobile and toys to keep him entertained . He loved them and would watch them , but after a couple days of those toys he was bored of them . So one day our new nurse told me that she would be right back . She came in and put a DVD into our hospital room DVD player . On came an episode of Baby Einstein - Mozart . I sat down on the rocking chair with Nixon in my lap . He was in love . We had never done this before and Matson and I were shocked he watched it . Literally I don 't think Nixon blinked for the whole half hour long video . He loves music so it was his favorite thing . I think we watched that video like 3 times before we were discharged and he loved it every single time . Since becoming a mom I have never prayed more , but being in the hospital I literally prayed all day long . Every single night Matson and I would prayer together with Nixon and with each other . But one night my parents came to visit us and my dad took a picture of Nixon that he posted on Instagram . Along with the picture , my dad wrote on Instagram something along the lines of asking others to pray for him and us . It was amazing how many people commented and liked the picture saying that they were going to pray for us . I cried reading each person 's comment and it comforted me so much knowing that all those people were praying for Nixon . Later in the early hours of the morning they slowly lessened Nixon 's oxygen levels . He went to bed being at a 6 and when we woke up in the morning he was at a 2 ( the lowest level they will keep him at ) . For the past few nights Nixon was not doing good . He would get better during the day and his oxygen level would be at a 3 or 4 and then always had his oxygen level raised at night . So this was truly amazing that during the night he was getting better and better . That next day by the afternoon they completely took him off oxygen and took out his feeding tube ! It was amazing ! They kept us there to make sure that he wouldn 't go back downhill again . He took multiple naps that day , ate very well , and at 10pm Friday night we were discharged ! We were so happy to be able to go home . I know it is because of the many people that prayed for us that Nixon was taken off oxygen and able to go home . I am so thankful for the many people that did prayer for him . Although we were discharged and Nixon was getting better , I was still so scared . I asked the doctors a bunch of questions and what we should look for if he needed to come back . I was nervous to not have his oxygen level and heart rate not monitored all the time . I was nervous to go through a night all on our own . It was like I was a brand new mom again . We went home and did our normal night time routine with him again . We bathed him , read to him , and put him to bed . That night Matson and I didn 't sleep very well . We checked on him every 2 hours . Matson literally set an alarm for every 2 hours to make sure he was breathing , which we didn 't really need because for some reason I woke up naturally every couple hours to check on him . He was always breathing well . For the next while Matson and I stayed in and didn 't take Nixon anywhere . Nixon still had mucus for a couple of days after the hospital but not nearly as much . He had a cough for about a week after . He also slept like a newborn for the week after the hospital . Literally would feed then sleep feed then sleep . His body was tired and needed it . All in all we are so grateful that our baby boy is better and ok . He is back to himself , doing better than ever , and growing like a weed ! He gained one pound that week in the hospital . Remember how he was 14 lbs . and 10 oz . when we checked into the hospital ? Well exactly a week after we checked into the hospital he had an appointment with his doctor and he weighed 15 lbs . and 10 oz . ! Chunkers ! I totally spaced sharing Nixon 's birth announcement on here . Due to my surgery and the craziness of having a newborn we didn 't really get these out until mid January ! And now I am posting it here mid March . Oops . So if you didn 't get one of these in your mailbox don 't be offended . I either don 't have your address , ran out of announcements , or I don 't know you . Ha . So let 's all pretend to open our mailboxes . . . and bam you see this in your mailbox ! First of all let me just say it is SO overwhelming trying to catch up on blogging about everything . I have missed blogging about pretty much all of summer , lots of birthdays , the birth of my first niece , Halloween , Thanksgiving , a quick Vegas trip , and prepping for our baby . But I just decided I am going to just skip it and just do a quick recap of the past few months and just go on with the future . After having Nixon and before my crazy Christmas day we were able to squeeze in a few Christmas activities ! Two days after getting home from the hospital my family wanted to get some quick Christmas pictures taken . My brother had just came in town for Christmas and so we headed down to Google Fiber where they had a photographer and little Christmas photo backdrop set up . Nixon was only 4 days old ! I love these pictures because look how little he was ! The weekend before Christmas my sister and sister in law wanted to have a little Christmas Pinterest idea photo shoot . My niece got some pretty dang cute ones of her in a box full of ornaments . Nixon 's photoshoot on the other hand didn 't turn out too great . But it was still fun ! On Little Christmas Eve . ( a Danish holiday my family celebrates ) we went and took pictures of Nixon and my niece with Santa Claus . It was freezing cold at the outside Santa at Riverwoods but we still went ! We just dressed Nixon up in his little , fuzzy bear suit ! On Christmas Eve . my Grandma from Washington came into town . My family just spent time together . The guys watched a movie late while us ladies just talked and went to bed . My Grandma and Nixon This post has taken me awhile to decide if I should write or not . Once again this may be a little TMI for some readers . If you don 't like blood then stop reading now . I am going to spare you a lot of details , but I just look at my blog as a journal so I thought I should write about this day that was a sad but blessed day . AND I am not writing this to get sympathy . Ha . On Christmas day 2014 , I woke up in the morning to feed Nixon at about 7 am . He went back to sleep and almost instantly I started not feeling my best . My stomach kind of hurt and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom so bad . Yet when I continually kept trying to go to the bathroom , I couldn 't . Matson woke up for the day and I told him I wasn 't feeling good , which kind of sucked because honestly I love Christmas . I love family traditions and look forward to them for weeks . I had been looking forward to this Christmas day for months because I knew it would be so special to have our little boy with us for the holiday . Even though I wasn 't feeling so great I did my make up for the day to look a little better but stayed in my pajamas because that 's what my family does . Pj 's all day ! My mom makes a really big Christmas breakfast every year . So my whole family including my grandparents sat down for our big Christmas breakfast at about 9 am . I wasn 't feeling my best still so I just ate a little bit of everything . While eating breakfast I really was feeling sick and like I had to go to the bathroom SOOO bad . I felt so much pressure down below and my stomach was hurting so bad . I took magnesium and fiber to see if that would help my constipation ( PS : I hate that word . Constipation . Worst word ever besides the word moist . ) . My grandma who was in town from Washington was asking me what was wrong and even though this makes me sound like a baby , I cried as I told her how I felt . After helping to get breakfast cleaned up my family was all ready to start our Christmas morning ! Real quick I told my family that I needed to run to the bathroom . I went into the bathroom and nothing came . Still a bunch of pressure down there and my stomach was hurting so bad . All of the sudden I felt like I was going pee , but I wasn 't . I looked down in the toilet and it was starting to fill with bright red blood and even some clots of blood . I yelled to my mom who was still cleaning up in the kitchen . She came in and I asked her if it was normal to bleed this much after having a baby . Just the night before my sister in law , my mom , and I had been talking about how after I had only had Nixon about 9 days prior and that I hadn 't really bled as much as other women have told me . They both talked about how they bled a lot just a couple days after having a baby . I didn 't think much of it and shrugged it off . I thought that I was the lucky one who didn 't bleed much . MAN , was I wrong ! As I sat there with a constant flow of blood , I was thinking about that conversation and that this must be what all those women were talking about . My mom told me it was normal . But then I just continued to bleed and bleed . She grabbed the biggest pad she had at her house and I put it on and told her I just wanted to go upstairs real quick to wash off in the bathtub and change then I would be down for gifts . Right when I got upstairs into my childhood bedroom , I could still feel bleeding . I looked and the pad was full . It only took me about 1 minute to walk upstairs . So in 1 minute I filled the biggest pad ever . I got in the bathtub and turned on the hot water . I figured the bathtub is the safest place so that I didn 't bleed all over the carpet . I filled the bathtub only about an inch and already the tub water was bright red . I was starting to feel super weak , my stomach was killing more than some of my contractions just 9 days earlier when I was delivering Nixon . I wasn 't sure if I was feeling weak because I was grossed out of all the blood or because I was actually sick . At this point I still had no idea if this was the blood that my sister in law and my mom were talking about the night before or not . I didn 't know whether or not it was normal to bleed this much and so long after having my baby . After I had literally refilled the bathtub like 4 times with water and it being bright red and thick , I starting realizing that it was not normal . This is when I knew I couldn 't get up to get someone . I was feeling too weak so I started yelling . My family had Christmas music on downstairs so I had to yell pretty loud . No one seemed to be hearing me . I was yelling " Matson " and " Mom " to see if either of them would hear me . As dramatic as this sounds I was also banging on the bathtub wall because I knew I couldn 't get up because blood would just go everywhere . I probably looked like some hormonal teenager from a teen sitcom yelling and hitting the wall while screaming their names . Haha . My mom must have heard me because she came up . She looked at the bathtub and told me that this was definitely not normal . She started cleaning up everything and she sat on the toilet right next to the bathtub as I continued to bleed in pain . She kept watching me and I could tell by her face that this was not the normal bleeding she had been talking about the night before . Matson came in and his face was in shock . He doesn 't do so well with blood or anything like this , we were surprised he made it through the birth of our son . My mom told Matson , " This is not normal . This is a lot of blood . " Matson started to text and call my OB doctor . He wasn 't responding ( Of course he wasn 't ! It was Christmas morning ! ) . Both my mom and Matson decided right there that we needed to get to the hospital . My dad was in my room as some point too . I don 't know exactly what went on because I was just trying to get through the pain while they all made the quick decision and plan of what to do . Matson and my dad ran downstairs . They got the car right by the garage door and a bunch of towels onto the passenger seat . Meanwhile my mom was helping me stand out of the bath , get my pj 's back on , and I couldn 't stand so literally my mom was carrying all my weight . If you know my parents house then you can picture this . My mom , who weighs like 100 pounds , carried all my weight from my bathroom to the top of the stairs . I think she realized that I wasn 't doing too well and that she probably couldn 't carry me down the stairs so I sat on a chair at the top of the stairs until Matson came and picked me up . Matson picked me up , we ran down the stairs , I could hear Nixon crying , and as we were leaving I told my mom through tears that Nixon was going to be very hungry soon . He needed to feed right then ! It 's amazing what being a mom does to you . Even through all my pain and bleeding , I honestly couldn 't think of anyone but Nixon . I needed to feed him and that was all that I was thinking about . We got in the car and Matson was speeding to the hospital . It was snowing and yes , Matson was speeding . I will be honest I thought we were going to get in a wreck and we almost did twice because of dumb non - Utahns driving in Utah snow . I screamed at Matson multiple times to watch out and slow down . This felt all too familiar to the morning before Nixon was born . Matson responded to me that I needed to get to the hospital and he was not going to stop even if it was a red light . So it made me very happy that all the lights were green and we didn 't have to go through any red lights . We finally arrived to the ER doors . Matson carried me out and my dad , who followed us there in his own car , took our car and parked it for us . Matson carried me in and put me on a wheelchair . They wheeled me into an ER room . The nurse instantly started asking questions to Matson and I . We told her I had just had a baby 9 days before and everything that had happened this morning . Meanwhile another nurse was putting an IV in . Next the nurse looked at my downstairs and did confirm that something was definitely wrong and that I was losing a lot of blood . She changed everything , threw away my soaked clothes , and tried to clean me up to only have to clean me up less than 20 minutes later due to all the blood . My dad and Matson were making grossed out and shocked faces at my blood . There were blood clots the size of fists coming out . YUCK ! Because it was Christmas there was not very many people at the hospital . There was a doctor on call there but by this point my OB ( my parents ' neighbor and family friend ) had already responded to us and told us he was sorry that he wasn 't by his phone and that he was leaving his house to the hospital now to come help . I am SO grateful to him and his family for giving up their Christmas for me too . My OB ordered for an ultrasound . The nurse had to call in an ultrasound tech because none were there due to the holiday . It took her about 45 minutes to an hour to get there . When she came she wheeled me to the ultrasound room . She looked at my uterus to see if any pieces from the birth were in there . There were . She wasn 't sure if they were placenta or what but something was in there that wasn 't supposed to , which may be why I was bleeding so much . She explained to Matson , my dad , and I that they were smaller than a centimeter but that it didn 't matter how small . After the ultrasound , my OB arrived and checked me out . I 'm not sure at what point I was given morphin but I was because all of the sudden I started going in and out of sleep . Drugs work VERY well on me . In high school I used to take lortab for pain and I literally would take it and in less than 30 minutes I would knock out and sleep for hours and hours . Due to the pain medication the only few things I remember was that the nurse had to keep changing the pads underneath me ( like the pads that you train a dog on ) and that after the ultrasound my OB decided that I needed to have surgery to remove whatever was in me and to stop my bleeding . Since I was to have surgery my OB had to call in a surgical nurse , anesthesiologist , and others to come to the hospital so he could perform the surgery . This took another hour or so for them to all arrive . Once again I think I was in and out of sleep this whole time because all I remember before the surgery was that Matson left to go check on Nixon and to talk to his brother who was calling from his LDS mission . He didn 't want to leave me but my dad reassured him that he would stay by my side and wait for me while I was in surgery . So Matson left to go talk to his brother who we only get to talk to twice a year and introduce Nixon to him over the phone . After Matson left some of the people we needed for the surgery showed up . This is when my OB and the anesthesiologist wheeled me to the operating room and my dad was told to wait in the waiting room . I moved onto the cold operating table and the last thing I remember before they " put me under " was my OB sternly asking where the surgical nurse , Karl , was and that he better hurry because I needed the surgery NOW . To be honest that kind of freaked me out but also made me realize that this was very serious . During my hour or so long surgery Matson was able to talk to his brother for a little bit and introduce Nixon to him . They also held a big family prayer over the phone with his brother on his mission . At this point Matson had no idea what was happening to me at the hospital and his family was all very worried about me . Matson returned Nixon back to my family 's house and came to the hospital . I was done with my surgery and in the recovery room . The doctor and surgical team came into the recovery room just as Matson got there . The doctor had blood all over his shoes and stuff . He told Matson and my dad that they could go see me . They walked over and Matson said it was the worst thing ever . He could tell I was not in good shape , which shocked him because he thought that the surgery was going to fix me . Even though the surgery was done , Matson said I was as white as could be and I laid on the hospital bed not moving and in pain . Matson and my dad were very concerned because even though I had the surgery , I was still bleeding . This not only surprised my dad and Matson but also the recovery nurse , surgical nurse , anesthesiologist , and my doctor . I was still losing a lot of blood . Matson recalls the time in the recovery room being very up and down . He remembers all of the medical staff panicking and running around the entire time I was in there . Machines going off and on . My dad hated when I would randomly scream from pain . I don 't even remember screaming but apparently I was . I was in the recovery room for quite a long time . Multiple times they were wanting to give me a blood transfusion but my doctor kept holding off because blood transfusions can be risky for future children and can cause other complications . The entire time I was in there Matson said I was paler than a ghost , not moving or doing much but sometimes would say short phrases over and over again . One was that I was freezing cold so they put like 20 warm blankets all around my face and body . Another thing I kept asking and worry about was Nixon . Then I would also worry about Christmas and our family traditions . Then lastly he said about every 10 minutes or so I would say I think I am peeing . But I wasn 't peeing , I was actually bleeding more . This is when the medical staff would scramble around not knowing why I was still bleeding . Matson and my dad were sitting by my side yet out of the team 's way . Matson said he continually was praying for me . He thought I was going to pass away and that he was going to have to take care of Nixon all on his own . That 's all he was thinking about . The nurse could not even get a needle in me to take some of my blood to test . They poked me all over to see if they could get some blood out but there wasn 't any blood . It took multiple nurses and then finally the anesthesiologist to fill just a very small amount of a vial . After a few hours of stress in the recovery room , I stopped bleeding and was finally ok . They moved me to a regular hospital room . I was stable but Matson said I was still complaining about being cold and I was still pretty much asleep . By this time it was about 7pm or so in the evening . I remember waking up and suddenly being in a normal hospital room . My first thought was that I had to get something to eat . I was starving . They brought me some nasty ham Christmas meal . Matson forced me to eat at least half of it because I needed to eat meat now so that I could have more iron in my body to help me build up my blood supply . In the regular hospital room the nurses were so nice . They got me fluids , a bunch of medicine , loads of fresh warm blankest , and they kept telling me that I may have to stay over night . I DID NOT WANT TO STAY OVER NIGHT . It was Christmas and I felt like I had already ruined it for both our families . Plus I really wanted to see Nixon . I felt so bad for abandoning him all day . My family was amazing and took care of him . My sister in law fed him all day since she was breastfeeding my niece . She also gave him his first bottle of pumped milk . She was amazing . I balled when I heard about all the nice things people had been doing for us all day . Lots of prayers , my family taking care of Nixon , my sis in law feeding him , all the medical staff taking extra time for me on Christmas day , and both our families waited and paused Christmas for me . Since my doctor knew I badly wanted to be home on Christmas , he allowed me to be discharged out of the hospital . I was incredibly happy . My doctor told me that I could go home if I just rested and took it very very easy . To recover all I needed was some pain medicine , lots of sleep , and iron . He also told me it would be a couple of weeks to a month before I feel normal again . YIKES . Finally at 11pm on Christmas I was discharged . I went back to my parents house and saw my sleeping baby . Apparently he slept all day long and all he did was wake up to eat . He was an angel baby so they said . At 11pm my family started our Christmas . They fed me again ( more red meat ) and even though I was feeling very weak I sat on the couch and watched everyone open their gifts . It was a little bit of a different Christmas but I was so grateful everyone waited for me . The next night Matson 's family had their Christmas and I will be honest it still totally felt like Christmas ! All in all I lost 2 liters of blood at the hospital and who knows how much more before I got to the hospital at my parents house . I lost a significant amount of blood and was therefore considered anemic . For the next month and the first month of our newborn 's life I was very weak . I slept when Nixon slept and it took all the energy I had to just get in the bath each day . I couldn 't even get up to make myself food or I literally felt so light headed . Matson was a saint . He made all the meals , cleaned everything , fed Nixon bottles in the middle of the night , and was Mr . Mom . PLUS he tried to work as much as he could from home . Matson 's biggest job though was forcing me to eat red meat . That was a job in and of itself . Haha . I hate red meat . Actually let 's be for real here . I hate all meat really . The pieces of junk they took out of me was sent into a lab to be tested . It wasn 't placenta or anything . Just blood clots . My doctor explained to us that what happened was my uterus didn 't fully contract so my body still thought I was pregnant . It was still pumping all my blood down to my uterus as if our baby was in there . But since it wasn 't , my uterus was just filling up with blood . Now I know in the future that I should bleed more right after having my baby and I should have strong cramps from my uterus contracting down . I am so grateful for prayer , my family , friends , and my husband . I could not have done this without him or our families . We are so incredibly blessed . Presented by |
I , of course , am a little late in posting this video . But I still thought it would be fun to share my growing belly with you all . If you just wanna see a quick version of my belly growing skip the video to 2 : 10 . Enjoy . I am writing about this for first time parents that have no idea what the heck they are doing . Just like me . So maybe you can be a little more cautious and know what to look for . After my Christmas day emergency surgery , we thought our sick days were over . Man , were we wrong . Matson instantly got sick right after Christmas . Probably brought on by all the stress of having a newborn , having his wife almost die / lose a bunch of blood , and then having to take care of his newborn and anemic wife . A week after my surgery I caught something ( possibly the sickness Matson had ) and was throwing up for a weekend which sucked having on top of being super weak and recovering from losing so much blood . After recovering from that though we seriously thought that we had all been sick enough for the winter ! Then almost a month ago , toward the end of February , Nixon woke up with a cough and lots of mucus . It was a Saturday so we just chilled all day until I took him to my sis in law 's baby shower . I had no idea what to do so all day that day so I just held him to try and get him to sleep . I had heard and knew that if I took him to the doctor they couldn 't give me any special medicine or anything for my little baby so I just gave him a little bit of baby tylenol . While we were at the baby shower other moms were telling me things I could do for his little cold . If I didn 't hold him he would wake himself up from coughing . He slept decently that night but Sunday he was even worse . We gave him more baby tylenol and saline drops before I would use our nose aspirator to get as much mucus out as I could . At night I put just a little bit of baby vapor rub on his feet so that he would sleep good because he hadn 't been sleeping as solid as normal during his naps that day . Sunday night he slept SO long . His little body needed more sleep to get him better . He woke up that day pretty normal and happy . But as the day went on I could tell he was getting worse . He napped his normal afternoon nap , but woke up breathing fairly bad . He was wheezing . I recorded his wheezing and texted it to Matson . Matson responded by telling me that I should definitely call our doctor . It was too late to get an appointment for the day so I just talked to a nurse and she told me the symptoms to look for to know if it was more serious than a cold . She told me if his breathing wasn 't good ( he was struggling or really using his belly too much ) , was wheezing , had a temperature over 100 degrees or if he stopped eating . He wasn 't too bad with any of those except just a slight wheeze but it was off and on so I just decided we would go into the doctor the next day . I fed Nixon and then Matson and I went with my siblings to my grandparents house to eat with them like we do every Monday . * * BACK STORY : Nixon has ALWAYS been a big eater . I couldn 't measure how much he was eating the first 10 days of his life , but during my surgery and afterward when my milk supply was low my sister in law gave us some of her frozen milk and we gave Nixon bottles and he ate ( or drank ) 5 - 6 ounces . He has ate / drank 5 ounces or more ever since . He has always been a BIG eater . He literally is his own alarm clock with feeding time . He loves it and lots of it . * * Anyway , back to the story . After coming home from my grandparents Nixon would not eat . I was trying and trying almost like he was a newborn again forcing him to latch but he would not . He was freaking out and crying like crazy . I knew he had to be starving but he would not . He was obviously hungry and wanted to eat . He would go toward me like he wanted to eat but then would barely latch and pull off . After literally trying for almost a half hour I decided he wasn 't going to eat and then he was just so mad . He was more than just crying . He was red face full on wailing . I tried to calm him and make him happy . I tried everything . He loves listening to me sing , so I tried all his usual favorite songs . That didn 't work . I tried books , toys , lights , walking around our house , rocking , bouncing , and finally he calmed down ( just a little bit ) when I put on this visual stimulation baby thing that my niece loved that my parents found on YouTube . He was still whimpering , slightly crying , and now wheezing rather strongly . Matson had been trying to calm him down with me but now that he kind of was , Matson called the nurse again from our pediatrician 's office . The nurse asked Matson his symptoms . After this nurse told us that she was very concerned that he wasn 't eating and that nothing was calming him down like normal , she told us that if it was her child she would never put that baby to bed without him getting checked . Since it was now 10pm at night , she advised us to go to the ER . So that is what we decided to do . We grabbed all of Nixon 's things ( blankets , diaper bag , PJ 's ) and I threw on a hat . We got right in the car with our crying babe . He was so unhappy , hungry , and now tired . We walked into the ER . It was PACKED . Literally there were probably 30 - 40 people in there . Matson told me he would check in and for me to just sit down with Nixon in his carseat . Someone with a black eye , sick kids , people with broken bones limping , and all I could think about was how this was going to be a VERY long night . I thought that it would take forever for us to get called in . I was wrong because right as I was thinking that I heard a nurse call , " Nixon . " Apparently a sick 10 week old baby goes right to the top of the list . We walked into the small room where a nurse was there waiting for us to tell her all about what was going on . We told her about how he was ok until early evening and how he wouldn 't eat and nothing would calm him down . She told us she needed to take his temperature , weigh him , and check his oxygen levels . We woke him up , which he wasn 't too happy about . But he wasn 't wailing like he was before . Just kind of whimpering . They weighed him and he weighed 14 lbs and 10 ounces . He gained about 6 ounces in a little less than a week since he was weighed at the doctor 's office . After she checked him and everything she took us to our ER room . We sat in there for a little while . His ER nurse and ER tech came in , checked his vitals again , and hooked him up to the monitors . Nixon 's nurse told us that Nixon 's oxygen levels were too low and that he needed oxygen . Instead of hooking him up to oxygen they gave me a little tube that had oxygen blowing out of it . I held it right below his nose . The oxygen was definitely helping to raise his oxygen level . The ER pediatrician came in and told us a little bit about what they were going to do . That Nixon needed to be tested for different viruses . So they took some of his blood to be tested . The doctor also told us that a respiratory therapist was going to come in and suction some of the mucus out of Nixon 's nose . Nixon obviously didn 't like any of this , but he especially hated when the respiratory therapist used this small little tube to go down his nose and throat to suction out mucus . Matson held Nixon down while the therapist suctioned out his mucus . While we waited for hours for the test results to come back Nixon fell asleep in my arms . Matson and I were exhausted . It was now about 1am . The nurse got us some waters and snacks , which was very nice of them . The tests came back positive for RSV ( Respiratory Syncytial Virus ; which later became Bronchiolitis ) and Rhino Virus . Matson and I weren 't too surprised but we were very worried . Since we are first time parents , this was a whole new world . We had no idea what to do but we were more worried than ever . We just wanted our little baby better . At this point , the nurse also told us that they needed to X - Ray Nixon to see his lungs and other things . This was horrible too . We went into the X - Ray room . Matson held little Nixon down on a metal ( and very cold ) surface . Nixon had to stay still so Matson really had to hold him down strong . Nixon is a strong kicker and wasn 't happy so he was really kicking . After doing multiple X - Rays to get a good , Nixon fell right back to sleep in my arms again . After all the test and X - rays ( it was about 2 : 30 am ) , the doctor came in and told us that Nixon needed to be admitted to the hospital . He told the reason being is that his oxygen levels were a bit low . Normal they want babies with RSV to be at 92 or higher but our Nixon was sitting at or around 88 with oxygen being blown at his nose . Without the oxygen , he was going to as low as 83 . Although we were exhausted and bummed to be staying at the hospital , I was happy because I knew this meant that Nixon would at least be getting better or being monitored so that nothing horrible would happen to him like him stop breathing . I badly wanted to go home , but knew that the hospital was the right place for us to be . Our ER tech , who was a Provo High alumni ( YUCK . Haha . Our high school rival ) , was such a sweetheart . We were really sad to not have her anymore . It 's funny how we again and again got attached to nurses and techs . She took us upstairs to the pediatric floor and into a rather large room that had a crib ( for Nixon ) and an extra hospital bed ( where I slept ) , two rocking chairs , and a pull out chair bed ( where Matson slept ) . By the time we got up to our room it was about 3 am . Matson hurried and ran home to not only take my family 's dog to my sister and her husband , but to also grab us a few essentials like a change of clothes and our toothbrushes . While Matson was gone our new nurse and tech got us all set up . She gave us diapers , wipes , more drinks , snacks , and she talked to me about everything . Supplies , paper work , where to breast pump , and all sorts of goodies . They hooked Nixon up to oxygen and gave him a feeding tube . He DID not like getting the feeding tube put down his throat and into his belly . It was so sad to watch . Nixon had to be fed through a tube because most babies before age 2 mostly breathe through their noses so when they are sick and have mucus they can 't breathe through their noses very well . So when they go to eat and latch on to breastfeed they cannot breathe at all . So they refuse to eat . This is why he had to be tube fed . So I pumped every time that Nixon fed and the nurse would put my breastmilk in a big 2 oz . syringe that was hooked up to a machine that slowly pumped the breastmilk into the tube that went straight into Nixon 's belly . Anyway that night was very tiring . Matson came back to the hospital with our stuff and we just stood looking at our little baby at 4 am in his hospital crib . He was exhausted too and was finally asleep . Matson and I stood over his crib and I will be honest , I just cried . We prayed together and then tried to get a little sleep before we woke up at 7 am . For the next four days , we had quite an emotional roller coaster . One day he would be looking like he was getting better but then a coupe hours he would be bad again . The doctors were moving his oxygen levels up and down and up and down . He was getting suctioned ( the tube thing that went down his nose / throat to get the mucus out ) 4 or more times a day . Nixon was sleeping a lot more than normal . He literally was sleeping all day long . He was so tired . One day he woke up and I could tell he just wanted to play . I sat in the hospital crib with him ( don 't worry it holds up to 400 pounds and parents are allowed to sit in it ) and played and sang with him . It looked as though he was getting better but then that next night they turned his oxygen levels up higher than ever before . When they came in and told us that they had to move it up to support his oxygen more I just balled . I was so sick of him being in the hospital and carrying my baby with all these tubes and cords attached to him . I just wanted to be back at home with my happy baby . Nixon normally eats about 5 oz . and has since early on , but they were only feeding him one 2 oz . syringe of breastmilk . So on our second day at the hospital Nixon decided he didn 't like that and that he wanted more . He cried and cried and cried . We kept trying to figure out what was wrong and finally I realized it had to be because he was hungry . The nurse told us that he had just fed him some milk in his feeding tube . At this point I didn 't know how much milk fit into each one of the syringes so I asked and he responded by telling me 2 . I knew right then that it was not nearly enough for our big eater . So I told the nurse that he may be so unhappy because he is still hungry . The nurse looked shocked when I told him that Nixon eats 5 oz each feeding . He laughed and said that that was DEFINITELY why our little guy was so upset . So he went and got another syringe of milk warmed up and Nixon was much happier . Mid day on our first day in the hospital Nixon was acting like he was bored . Our sweet nurse brought in a mobile and toys to keep him entertained . He loved them and would watch them , but after a couple days of those toys he was bored of them . So one day our new nurse told me that she would be right back . She came in and put a DVD into our hospital room DVD player . On came an episode of Baby Einstein - Mozart . I sat down on the rocking chair with Nixon in my lap . He was in love . We had never done this before and Matson and I were shocked he watched it . Literally I don 't think Nixon blinked for the whole half hour long video . He loves music so it was his favorite thing . I think we watched that video like 3 times before we were discharged and he loved it every single time . Since becoming a mom I have never prayed more , but being in the hospital I literally prayed all day long . Every single night Matson and I would prayer together with Nixon and with each other . But one night my parents came to visit us and my dad took a picture of Nixon that he posted on Instagram . Along with the picture , my dad wrote on Instagram something along the lines of asking others to pray for him and us . It was amazing how many people commented and liked the picture saying that they were going to pray for us . I cried reading each person 's comment and it comforted me so much knowing that all those people were praying for Nixon . Later in the early hours of the morning they slowly lessened Nixon 's oxygen levels . He went to bed being at a 6 and when we woke up in the morning he was at a 2 ( the lowest level they will keep him at ) . For the past few nights Nixon was not doing good . He would get better during the day and his oxygen level would be at a 3 or 4 and then always had his oxygen level raised at night . So this was truly amazing that during the night he was getting better and better . That next day by the afternoon they completely took him off oxygen and took out his feeding tube ! It was amazing ! They kept us there to make sure that he wouldn 't go back downhill again . He took multiple naps that day , ate very well , and at 10pm Friday night we were discharged ! We were so happy to be able to go home . I know it is because of the many people that prayed for us that Nixon was taken off oxygen and able to go home . I am so thankful for the many people that did prayer for him . Although we were discharged and Nixon was getting better , I was still so scared . I asked the doctors a bunch of questions and what we should look for if he needed to come back . I was nervous to not have his oxygen level and heart rate not monitored all the time . I was nervous to go through a night all on our own . It was like I was a brand new mom again . We went home and did our normal night time routine with him again . We bathed him , read to him , and put him to bed . That night Matson and I didn 't sleep very well . We checked on him every 2 hours . Matson literally set an alarm for every 2 hours to make sure he was breathing , which we didn 't really need because for some reason I woke up naturally every couple hours to check on him . He was always breathing well . For the next while Matson and I stayed in and didn 't take Nixon anywhere . Nixon still had mucus for a couple of days after the hospital but not nearly as much . He had a cough for about a week after . He also slept like a newborn for the week after the hospital . Literally would feed then sleep feed then sleep . His body was tired and needed it . All in all we are so grateful that our baby boy is better and ok . He is back to himself , doing better than ever , and growing like a weed ! He gained one pound that week in the hospital . Remember how he was 14 lbs . and 10 oz . when we checked into the hospital ? Well exactly a week after we checked into the hospital he had an appointment with his doctor and he weighed 15 lbs . and 10 oz . ! Chunkers ! I totally spaced sharing Nixon 's birth announcement on here . Due to my surgery and the craziness of having a newborn we didn 't really get these out until mid January ! And now I am posting it here mid March . Oops . So if you didn 't get one of these in your mailbox don 't be offended . I either don 't have your address , ran out of announcements , or I don 't know you . Ha . So let 's all pretend to open our mailboxes . . . and bam you see this in your mailbox ! First of all let me just say it is SO overwhelming trying to catch up on blogging about everything . I have missed blogging about pretty much all of summer , lots of birthdays , the birth of my first niece , Halloween , Thanksgiving , a quick Vegas trip , and prepping for our baby . But I just decided I am going to just skip it and just do a quick recap of the past few months and just go on with the future . After having Nixon and before my crazy Christmas day we were able to squeeze in a few Christmas activities ! Two days after getting home from the hospital my family wanted to get some quick Christmas pictures taken . My brother had just came in town for Christmas and so we headed down to Google Fiber where they had a photographer and little Christmas photo backdrop set up . Nixon was only 4 days old ! I love these pictures because look how little he was ! The weekend before Christmas my sister and sister in law wanted to have a little Christmas Pinterest idea photo shoot . My niece got some pretty dang cute ones of her in a box full of ornaments . Nixon 's photoshoot on the other hand didn 't turn out too great . But it was still fun ! On Little Christmas Eve . ( a Danish holiday my family celebrates ) we went and took pictures of Nixon and my niece with Santa Claus . It was freezing cold at the outside Santa at Riverwoods but we still went ! We just dressed Nixon up in his little , fuzzy bear suit ! On Christmas Eve . my Grandma from Washington came into town . My family just spent time together . The guys watched a movie late while us ladies just talked and went to bed . My Grandma and Nixon This post has taken me awhile to decide if I should write or not . Once again this may be a little TMI for some readers . If you don 't like blood then stop reading now . I am going to spare you a lot of details , but I just look at my blog as a journal so I thought I should write about this day that was a sad but blessed day . AND I am not writing this to get sympathy . Ha . On Christmas day 2014 , I woke up in the morning to feed Nixon at about 7 am . He went back to sleep and almost instantly I started not feeling my best . My stomach kind of hurt and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom so bad . Yet when I continually kept trying to go to the bathroom , I couldn 't . Matson woke up for the day and I told him I wasn 't feeling good , which kind of sucked because honestly I love Christmas . I love family traditions and look forward to them for weeks . I had been looking forward to this Christmas day for months because I knew it would be so special to have our little boy with us for the holiday . Even though I wasn 't feeling so great I did my make up for the day to look a little better but stayed in my pajamas because that 's what my family does . Pj 's all day ! My mom makes a really big Christmas breakfast every year . So my whole family including my grandparents sat down for our big Christmas breakfast at about 9 am . I wasn 't feeling my best still so I just ate a little bit of everything . While eating breakfast I really was feeling sick and like I had to go to the bathroom SOOO bad . I felt so much pressure down below and my stomach was hurting so bad . I took magnesium and fiber to see if that would help my constipation ( PS : I hate that word . Constipation . Worst word ever besides the word moist . ) . My grandma who was in town from Washington was asking me what was wrong and even though this makes me sound like a baby , I cried as I told her how I felt . After helping to get breakfast cleaned up my family was all ready to start our Christmas morning ! Real quick I told my family that I needed to run to the bathroom . I went into the bathroom and nothing came . Still a bunch of pressure down there and my stomach was hurting so bad . All of the sudden I felt like I was going pee , but I wasn 't . I looked down in the toilet and it was starting to fill with bright red blood and even some clots of blood . I yelled to my mom who was still cleaning up in the kitchen . She came in and I asked her if it was normal to bleed this much after having a baby . Just the night before my sister in law , my mom , and I had been talking about how after I had only had Nixon about 9 days prior and that I hadn 't really bled as much as other women have told me . They both talked about how they bled a lot just a couple days after having a baby . I didn 't think much of it and shrugged it off . I thought that I was the lucky one who didn 't bleed much . MAN , was I wrong ! As I sat there with a constant flow of blood , I was thinking about that conversation and that this must be what all those women were talking about . My mom told me it was normal . But then I just continued to bleed and bleed . She grabbed the biggest pad she had at her house and I put it on and told her I just wanted to go upstairs real quick to wash off in the bathtub and change then I would be down for gifts . Right when I got upstairs into my childhood bedroom , I could still feel bleeding . I looked and the pad was full . It only took me about 1 minute to walk upstairs . So in 1 minute I filled the biggest pad ever . I got in the bathtub and turned on the hot water . I figured the bathtub is the safest place so that I didn 't bleed all over the carpet . I filled the bathtub only about an inch and already the tub water was bright red . I was starting to feel super weak , my stomach was killing more than some of my contractions just 9 days earlier when I was delivering Nixon . I wasn 't sure if I was feeling weak because I was grossed out of all the blood or because I was actually sick . At this point I still had no idea if this was the blood that my sister in law and my mom were talking about the night before or not . I didn 't know whether or not it was normal to bleed this much and so long after having my baby . After I had literally refilled the bathtub like 4 times with water and it being bright red and thick , I starting realizing that it was not normal . This is when I knew I couldn 't get up to get someone . I was feeling too weak so I started yelling . My family had Christmas music on downstairs so I had to yell pretty loud . No one seemed to be hearing me . I was yelling " Matson " and " Mom " to see if either of them would hear me . As dramatic as this sounds I was also banging on the bathtub wall because I knew I couldn 't get up because blood would just go everywhere . I probably looked like some hormonal teenager from a teen sitcom yelling and hitting the wall while screaming their names . Haha . My mom must have heard me because she came up . She looked at the bathtub and told me that this was definitely not normal . She started cleaning up everything and she sat on the toilet right next to the bathtub as I continued to bleed in pain . She kept watching me and I could tell by her face that this was not the normal bleeding she had been talking about the night before . Matson came in and his face was in shock . He doesn 't do so well with blood or anything like this , we were surprised he made it through the birth of our son . My mom told Matson , " This is not normal . This is a lot of blood . " Matson started to text and call my OB doctor . He wasn 't responding ( Of course he wasn 't ! It was Christmas morning ! ) . Both my mom and Matson decided right there that we needed to get to the hospital . My dad was in my room as some point too . I don 't know exactly what went on because I was just trying to get through the pain while they all made the quick decision and plan of what to do . Matson and my dad ran downstairs . They got the car right by the garage door and a bunch of towels onto the passenger seat . Meanwhile my mom was helping me stand out of the bath , get my pj 's back on , and I couldn 't stand so literally my mom was carrying all my weight . If you know my parents house then you can picture this . My mom , who weighs like 100 pounds , carried all my weight from my bathroom to the top of the stairs . I think she realized that I wasn 't doing too well and that she probably couldn 't carry me down the stairs so I sat on a chair at the top of the stairs until Matson came and picked me up . Matson picked me up , we ran down the stairs , I could hear Nixon crying , and as we were leaving I told my mom through tears that Nixon was going to be very hungry soon . He needed to feed right then ! It 's amazing what being a mom does to you . Even through all my pain and bleeding , I honestly couldn 't think of anyone but Nixon . I needed to feed him and that was all that I was thinking about . We got in the car and Matson was speeding to the hospital . It was snowing and yes , Matson was speeding . I will be honest I thought we were going to get in a wreck and we almost did twice because of dumb non - Utahns driving in Utah snow . I screamed at Matson multiple times to watch out and slow down . This felt all too familiar to the morning before Nixon was born . Matson responded to me that I needed to get to the hospital and he was not going to stop even if it was a red light . So it made me very happy that all the lights were green and we didn 't have to go through any red lights . We finally arrived to the ER doors . Matson carried me out and my dad , who followed us there in his own car , took our car and parked it for us . Matson carried me in and put me on a wheelchair . They wheeled me into an ER room . The nurse instantly started asking questions to Matson and I . We told her I had just had a baby 9 days before and everything that had happened this morning . Meanwhile another nurse was putting an IV in . Next the nurse looked at my downstairs and did confirm that something was definitely wrong and that I was losing a lot of blood . She changed everything , threw away my soaked clothes , and tried to clean me up to only have to clean me up less than 20 minutes later due to all the blood . My dad and Matson were making grossed out and shocked faces at my blood . There were blood clots the size of fists coming out . YUCK ! Because it was Christmas there was not very many people at the hospital . There was a doctor on call there but by this point my OB ( my parents ' neighbor and family friend ) had already responded to us and told us he was sorry that he wasn 't by his phone and that he was leaving his house to the hospital now to come help . I am SO grateful to him and his family for giving up their Christmas for me too . My OB ordered for an ultrasound . The nurse had to call in an ultrasound tech because none were there due to the holiday . It took her about 45 minutes to an hour to get there . When she came she wheeled me to the ultrasound room . She looked at my uterus to see if any pieces from the birth were in there . There were . She wasn 't sure if they were placenta or what but something was in there that wasn 't supposed to , which may be why I was bleeding so much . She explained to Matson , my dad , and I that they were smaller than a centimeter but that it didn 't matter how small . After the ultrasound , my OB arrived and checked me out . I 'm not sure at what point I was given morphin but I was because all of the sudden I started going in and out of sleep . Drugs work VERY well on me . In high school I used to take lortab for pain and I literally would take it and in less than 30 minutes I would knock out and sleep for hours and hours . Due to the pain medication the only few things I remember was that the nurse had to keep changing the pads underneath me ( like the pads that you train a dog on ) and that after the ultrasound my OB decided that I needed to have surgery to remove whatever was in me and to stop my bleeding . Since I was to have surgery my OB had to call in a surgical nurse , anesthesiologist , and others to come to the hospital so he could perform the surgery . This took another hour or so for them to all arrive . Once again I think I was in and out of sleep this whole time because all I remember before the surgery was that Matson left to go check on Nixon and to talk to his brother who was calling from his LDS mission . He didn 't want to leave me but my dad reassured him that he would stay by my side and wait for me while I was in surgery . So Matson left to go talk to his brother who we only get to talk to twice a year and introduce Nixon to him over the phone . After Matson left some of the people we needed for the surgery showed up . This is when my OB and the anesthesiologist wheeled me to the operating room and my dad was told to wait in the waiting room . I moved onto the cold operating table and the last thing I remember before they " put me under " was my OB sternly asking where the surgical nurse , Karl , was and that he better hurry because I needed the surgery NOW . To be honest that kind of freaked me out but also made me realize that this was very serious . During my hour or so long surgery Matson was able to talk to his brother for a little bit and introduce Nixon to him . They also held a big family prayer over the phone with his brother on his mission . At this point Matson had no idea what was happening to me at the hospital and his family was all very worried about me . Matson returned Nixon back to my family 's house and came to the hospital . I was done with my surgery and in the recovery room . The doctor and surgical team came into the recovery room just as Matson got there . The doctor had blood all over his shoes and stuff . He told Matson and my dad that they could go see me . They walked over and Matson said it was the worst thing ever . He could tell I was not in good shape , which shocked him because he thought that the surgery was going to fix me . Even though the surgery was done , Matson said I was as white as could be and I laid on the hospital bed not moving and in pain . Matson and my dad were very concerned because even though I had the surgery , I was still bleeding . This not only surprised my dad and Matson but also the recovery nurse , surgical nurse , anesthesiologist , and my doctor . I was still losing a lot of blood . Matson recalls the time in the recovery room being very up and down . He remembers all of the medical staff panicking and running around the entire time I was in there . Machines going off and on . My dad hated when I would randomly scream from pain . I don 't even remember screaming but apparently I was . I was in the recovery room for quite a long time . Multiple times they were wanting to give me a blood transfusion but my doctor kept holding off because blood transfusions can be risky for future children and can cause other complications . The entire time I was in there Matson said I was paler than a ghost , not moving or doing much but sometimes would say short phrases over and over again . One was that I was freezing cold so they put like 20 warm blankets all around my face and body . Another thing I kept asking and worry about was Nixon . Then I would also worry about Christmas and our family traditions . Then lastly he said about every 10 minutes or so I would say I think I am peeing . But I wasn 't peeing , I was actually bleeding more . This is when the medical staff would scramble around not knowing why I was still bleeding . Matson and my dad were sitting by my side yet out of the team 's way . Matson said he continually was praying for me . He thought I was going to pass away and that he was going to have to take care of Nixon all on his own . That 's all he was thinking about . The nurse could not even get a needle in me to take some of my blood to test . They poked me all over to see if they could get some blood out but there wasn 't any blood . It took multiple nurses and then finally the anesthesiologist to fill just a very small amount of a vial . After a few hours of stress in the recovery room , I stopped bleeding and was finally ok . They moved me to a regular hospital room . I was stable but Matson said I was still complaining about being cold and I was still pretty much asleep . By this time it was about 7pm or so in the evening . I remember waking up and suddenly being in a normal hospital room . My first thought was that I had to get something to eat . I was starving . They brought me some nasty ham Christmas meal . Matson forced me to eat at least half of it because I needed to eat meat now so that I could have more iron in my body to help me build up my blood supply . In the regular hospital room the nurses were so nice . They got me fluids , a bunch of medicine , loads of fresh warm blankest , and they kept telling me that I may have to stay over night . I DID NOT WANT TO STAY OVER NIGHT . It was Christmas and I felt like I had already ruined it for both our families . Plus I really wanted to see Nixon . I felt so bad for abandoning him all day . My family was amazing and took care of him . My sister in law fed him all day since she was breastfeeding my niece . She also gave him his first bottle of pumped milk . She was amazing . I balled when I heard about all the nice things people had been doing for us all day . Lots of prayers , my family taking care of Nixon , my sis in law feeding him , all the medical staff taking extra time for me on Christmas day , and both our families waited and paused Christmas for me . Since my doctor knew I badly wanted to be home on Christmas , he allowed me to be discharged out of the hospital . I was incredibly happy . My doctor told me that I could go home if I just rested and took it very very easy . To recover all I needed was some pain medicine , lots of sleep , and iron . He also told me it would be a couple of weeks to a month before I feel normal again . YIKES . Finally at 11pm on Christmas I was discharged . I went back to my parents house and saw my sleeping baby . Apparently he slept all day long and all he did was wake up to eat . He was an angel baby so they said . At 11pm my family started our Christmas . They fed me again ( more red meat ) and even though I was feeling very weak I sat on the couch and watched everyone open their gifts . It was a little bit of a different Christmas but I was so grateful everyone waited for me . The next night Matson 's family had their Christmas and I will be honest it still totally felt like Christmas ! All in all I lost 2 liters of blood at the hospital and who knows how much more before I got to the hospital at my parents house . I lost a significant amount of blood and was therefore considered anemic . For the next month and the first month of our newborn 's life I was very weak . I slept when Nixon slept and it took all the energy I had to just get in the bath each day . I couldn 't even get up to make myself food or I literally felt so light headed . Matson was a saint . He made all the meals , cleaned everything , fed Nixon bottles in the middle of the night , and was Mr . Mom . PLUS he tried to work as much as he could from home . Matson 's biggest job though was forcing me to eat red meat . That was a job in and of itself . Haha . I hate red meat . Actually let 's be for real here . I hate all meat really . The pieces of junk they took out of me was sent into a lab to be tested . It wasn 't placenta or anything . Just blood clots . My doctor explained to us that what happened was my uterus didn 't fully contract so my body still thought I was pregnant . It was still pumping all my blood down to my uterus as if our baby was in there . But since it wasn 't , my uterus was just filling up with blood . Now I know in the future that I should bleed more right after having my baby and I should have strong cramps from my uterus contracting down . I am so grateful for prayer , my family , friends , and my husband . I could not have done this without him or our families . We are so incredibly blessed . Presented by |
I was so excited to hear about this movie and all the wonderful reviews it got . Ina May 's books were so inspiring to me during my pregnancies . But I was sad that I missed the one and only showing in Utah ( back in November ) . Did anyone else see it ? The good news is that you 'll be able to download it to watch on April 30th ! I 'm thinking I might have to gather up some girlfriends and popcorn for a little movie night : ) Trying to imagine and anticipate birthing is like trying to imagine what the Grand Canyon looks like . People can try to describe it . " It 's breathtaking , amazing . The biggest hole in the ground you 've ever seen ! " But , until you experience it , there 's just no way to fully understand it . All the reading , visualizing and preparation I did still didn 't prepare me for the immensity of what we undertook that Saturday and Sunday . Clayton was equally awed . Saturday morning at 8 : 30 I went to our midwife Rebecca 's to take some Blue and Black Cohosh and have her sweep my membranes . The way she explains what the cohosh does is that it 's like having an engine that won 't turn over . And the cohosh is like pumping the gas and turning the ignition - external actions that hopefully get the car to take over on its own . I had " cohosh contractions " by mid - morning that were manageable , though close . I listened to Hypnobabies and breathed and rocked through them every 2 - 3 minutes . By early afternoon Rebecca came to check on me and decided to give me another dose and do another sweep . She just wanted to make sure that my body took over and settled into a good pattern and that we didn 't lose momentum . After that things got much stronger and were still very close together . By about 4pm I was having to vocalize through them . Throughout all of this Clay was by my side giving me sips of coconut water , rubbing my back , and telling me a constant stream of positive , encouraging things . Around 8pm Clayton called Rebecca , who could hear me in the background . She decided to come over . We already had the pool blown up and the basement all set up with everything we needed . When Rebecca got there I was working through contractions on my hands and knees , on the birthing ball or leaning over the edge of the bed . I couldn 't stay still during them . They were so close together , just a minute or two apart , and I would flop down limply to rest between them , but be positively compelled to rise and sway or kneel or something each time another one came on . RebeccFinally when I was at 5cm Rebecca said I could get in the pool . That was the last time she checked me . She was very hands off , but encouraging . Occasionally she would submerge her little monitor , placing it on my belly to listen to Vivian . She squeezed pressure points in my hands and told me encouraging things ( " One at a time , you only have to get through this one right now . . . You can do anything for 60 seconds . . . " ) . Throughout all of this I was very much inside of myself . I hardly opened my eyes , even between contractions . I think I even took little power naps between them , which is hard to imagine . I was definitely some place else , though . I used Hypnobabies earlier on , but kind of lost it as I went to that other place , though really that may have been a benefit of all that deep relaxation that I practiced beforehand . Clay put on some of the tracks while I was birthing and said later that he really noticed a difference in my body language while they were on . Even though I was very much in this primal place , there was a part of my brain that was watching myself and was utterly amazed . I couldn 't believe what a wild animal I was ! I didn 't realize I would be so vocal , but boy was I ever ! And my body just took over in this amazing , hugely powerful way . I never , ever pushed once . My body was doing what it needed the whole time and I just tried to help it do what it needed to do as efficiently as possible . When my body started pushing Vivian out , Rebecca tried to get me to slow down so I wouldn 't tear , but it was like holding back wild horses ! I tried valiantly , but my body won out over my mind and Viv came flying out like a superhero ! Her head was only about halfway out and on that next push the rest of her head and whole body ( with her hand up next to her head ! ) danced out into the water . Clay said it was so neat to see her in the water , so graceful , moments before I picked her up . Her eyes were wide open and she cried right away . Interestingly , she was covered in vernix and had quite a few other things that convinin Baby , Birth Stories , Pregnancy and birth | Permalink This is the last of the birth stories I 'll be sharing in this series , except , of course , for little Vivian 's story . This story belongs to a friend of mine who was also in my Hypnobabies class . Her little girl stayed stubbornly in breech position right up to and through delivery , and Katrina remained so calm and confident throughout the whole thing . She continued with her plan of a natural water birth at home , only changing plans slightly to include another midwife who was an expert in breech deliveries . Here is her inspiring story and beautiful photos . Wednesday morning we had an appointment with Rebecca , our midwife , to strip my membranes and take cohosh in the hopes of getting labor started . With my low fluid levels and a breech baby we thought it was best to encourage things along . We did another non - stress test that morning too and Miriam was happy as always . When Rebecca stripped my membranes I was 4 cm dilated and 50 % effaced with a bulging bag of waters quite low . Not a bad start . We left Rebecca 's office just before 10 and headed to Costco to get a few last minute things . I started having a few mild cramps . By the time we left Costco they had picked up a bit . We stopped at one more store to get diapers and pads and then headed home . It was just after 11 when we got home . I was having mild and crampy waves pretty close together but still didn 't know if they would go anywhere . I had several things I wanted to get done around the house and thought I would have plenty of time . I got on the computer to do a quick post on my blog . By the time I was done with that I was having to really concentrate on the waves to relax . They were getting more intense and were VERY close together . Rebecca called around noon and said that was the cohosh at work . Rebecca got to our house about 1 : 45 and I got in the pool . I was so happy to be in the water . It really helped me relax more . The waves had spaced out a tiny bit so I was getting a bit more of a break between them , but they were also getting super intense . I knelt and leaned against the side of the pool and started vocalizing through them . About the time the second midwife arrived I started feeling pushy and felt a pop - - my water broke . This is also about the time my husband , Jared , left to take our son Asher around the corner to a friend 's house . I started pushing involuntarily and pretty soon her bottom was out and then her legs . And Jared wasn 't back yet ! Rebecca ran out the door to see if she could catch him but didn 't see him . He got back when was rubbing her back before her head was out . She got still for a moment while she got her arms out and then I pushed again and her head came right out super easy . I just lifted her between my legs and turned around . No one else even touched her . I think the whole pushing phase was less than 5 minutes . She was born at 2 : 41 pm . So I had roughly 3 to 3 1 / 2 hours of active labor . I think because of the cohosh and membrane stripping , everything was more intense . My waves were always super close together . It was definitely a fast ride . But I remained very calm and peaceful during the whole thing . Thank you , Hypnobabies ! When I lifted Miriam out of the water her eyes were wide open and she was quiet . I rubbed her back and we put a towel on her and she started pinking up and making some noise . We hung out in the water until the cord stopped pulsing and then Rebecca clamped it and Jared cut it . Miriam eventually started nursing while Rebecca and Chris cleaned up and then checked me out . I didn 't tear ! I 'm not even sore . I only used one ice pack that day and have felt fine since . Although labor was very fast and intense , I was always calm and never afraid . I always felt really peaceful about everything . Pushing was SO easy and painless and she came right out fast and perfectly . I seriously felt SO good . I didn 't feel like I had just had a baby . I put on some clothes and then we weighed and measured Miriam . 6 pounds 10 ounces , 19 1 / 2 inches long , 13 inch head . Absolutely perfect . in Birth Stories | Permalink teeth and rolled over to go back to sleep . At that point my water broke all over our bed . I called our midwife and let her know . At that point I was not really having any Esther Maple came to us in a beautiful , peaceful way . I can hardly begin to write the whole account in its entirety without sacrificing the huge emotion that we all felt as we experienced this happy occasion . There is no denying that there is no comparison between giving birth at home and in the hospital . For us , the intimacy of this occasion belonged in our home and it was everything we wanted it to be . On Thursday ( the day before her birth ) I lost my mucous plug gradually and was really excited about it . Of course , every book and every midwife says that the mucous plug can be lost a whole week before the birth . I just knew it was going to happen soon and I was so thankful that something was finally happening and that very soon our baby would arrive . After putting our two year old son Harvest to bed , I made myself some caramel corn and settled in to watch a movie . I ended up falling asleep on the futon and at some point around 11ish I hauled my very pregnant body downstairs and attempted to get some more sleep . I didn 't . At midnight I felt a gush of fluid come out of me and I sat right up . I woke Andy up and he helped me get up without getting fluid on the bed . I held a towel between my legs and went to the bathroom . My bag of waters had definitely broken . I stood over a towel and watched it gush out of me . I was very excited . Andy asked me what we should do and I told him we would go to bed and try to get some sleep before the contractions started . He was able to do this . I could not sleep for the life of me . I couldn 't help but worry that contractions would never come ( as it happened with Harvests birth ) and I was just plain anxious . I went upstairs and watched the movie Ever After . This distracted me some . The contractions came at about 2 or 3 in the morning . They were irregular and not very painful . I rested through them but at about four o ' clock I had Andy start a fire because the chilly air was making it hard to fully relax . Once the house warmed up I felt great and I walked around the house with a blank | headed to the birthing center . Rob and I left for the midwife - led birthing center knowing there were no free rooms . We were told on the phone they the day would hold for us . So far I had been breathing through my contractions very easily , taking time to rest in between . The midwives suggested we take a walk it wouldn 't be long . Our room was calm , clean and dimly light . Everything was there : a birthing stool , ropes to use as arm support , a I have a birth story that is pretty unique . I could tell you about the three birthing experiences I had for my biological children . . . all of those experiences completely unique from one another . The first one I had to have a C - section , and almost died ! The second one I was induced for a week and a half , and still no baby , so I had to have another C - section ( this time , it went well . ) The third birth I was induced differently and it worked ! Almost worked too well . . . I dilated from a 0 to a 10 in 20 min . , so needless to say , it was completely natural ! My fourth child was not born of my body , but certainly by my heart . It was full of ups and downs , and took a couple of years to complete , and was definitely an adventure all on its own ! But the birth story that I want to share is of my newest and youngest child , Abi . She was only born two and a half weeks ago , in a far - away land that I have never been to . This child too was not born of my body , but certainly of my heart . The lady that has guided us through this adoption and who we have gotten to know well , our case - worker , was fortunate enough to actually arrive in the country the day before my baby was born . In a newsletter that she sends to those of us adopting from this place , she wrote about the birth of my daughter . . . something that the majority of all adopted parents ( at least those adopting internationally ) never get to have . Here is what she wrote : " The second day I arrived I got a call in the morning telling me that we had to take a birth mother to the hospital , that " D " ( the lady that runs the home for pregnant girls ) thinks she is ready to have her baby ! I have to admit , I was scared and excited at the same moment , I have never witnessed a birth , much less even seen a woman have a contraction . We got to the hospital and the doctor said that she had a ways to go but that he definitely felt that the baby would be born that day ! I followed D , along with our home 's live - in counselor , the nurse , and our birth mom up into a room where she would rest until she was ready to give birth . We were in the room for hours as this mother 's pain grew in intensity . I sat by her , holding her hand and encouraging her in a language that she did not know . She had no pain medication - ( not available in this city ) and she was the bravest woman I have ever seen . She squeezed my hands and looked into my eyes as the contractions hit and became more painful . As I looked back at her talking to her in the limited [ local language ] that I knew , I was struck in that moment to tears . This young woman was looking in the eyes of a stranger who didn 't even speak her language during this huge moment in her life , her mother wasn 't there ( had left her when she was a young child ) , her father didn 't even know that she was pregnant , and her boyfriend left her . D and the " home " staff have been her family . At the end of this experience , this unbelievable experience , it was not even for a baby that would be hers , but one she loved enough to give to a family far away to hold and keep safe . These babies are incredible gifts , the greatest gifts that can be given . This mother went through 9 months of a pregnancy and hours of birth , when most other unwed pregnant teens in [ this country ] are going through an abortion , she gave life to a child that she will not keep . I was struck with how profound what we do is , with how significant our work and ministry in [ this country ] is , and how very precious each of these children are . " As you can imagine , the account of my baby 's birth will be cherished forever by us . We have also been incredibly blessed by the fact that this unselfish birth mother wanted to have her baby 's birth videoed for the family that would love her and raise her as their very own . Speaking to an international adoption doctor a few nights ago , he said that he has NEVER , EVER heard of that happening . I thank God that we have that gift of our baby 's birth ! ! This story is from local prenatal massage therapist , Rebecca . I 'm including a portion of the story from the birth of her first son , Shawn , because I love the thoughts her mother shares . The second part is the story of her second son 's birth , also born at home . Shawn was born after 15 hours of slow and a mother . It is the hardest thing you have ever had to do . And you CAN do it , because look at you - you ARE doing it ! " My Birthing Kyan was sudden . He was due in the middle of January and decided to make his entrance Christmas day . Labour began at midnight when I was exactly 37 weeks ( to the hour ) pregnant . In British Columbia home births are permitted after 37 weeks so we were right down to the wire . We had planned a home birth and had most of our supplies but were not mentally ready to accept that birth was indeed happening . False labour we kept thinking , but it just kept going . Pregnancy taught me to live one day , one hour , and even one minute at a time . Birthing was the same thing . Just breathe , move , feel the movement of the baby , open , breathe , move . One contraction at a time , no clocks . I laboured on the floor between the bottom of our bed and the small bathroom . Joni Mitchell played in the background . My best friend sang to me , my husband was always there in my periphery , and the midwife set up her kit and was a quiet strength . When she gently checked me for dilation the number 8 was what I saw in my mind . When Janice said 8 centimetres great work Jennie , the number made me feel like I could keep going . The number 8 and then my water broke . I thought I was really loud during labour but apparently I wasn 't . The sounds coming out were primal and helped me to let the pain go . Pushing was so tiring . I just kept asking the baby to come out , move down and meet me . After Kyan 's head was out the rest of him appeared after one push . Dave sat behind me when I pushed and I felt him sob as Kyan came out . Instantly I was compelled to hold my little one , stroking his hair as the midwife attended to me . His cord was so short that he couldn 't move beyond my belly until the placenta was out . I felt relief and disbelief that it was over and I had done it for the first half hour or so . For the rest of the day I felt like shouting to the world . Do you know what I just did ? I just brought new life into the world . I just birthed a babe . He is 7 pounds of wonderful ; I made him inside me and pushed him out of my body . I birthed him in a dark , quiet room . 3 loving women and his Daddy watched and helped me . I look at him now over 2 years later and I marvel that he ever fit inside me . I remember how he felt inside , how he liked to move certain ways and the relationship we had before we had seen each other . His smell was very powerful after birth it was an earthy smell , somehow it was mysterious and innocent to me . I am proud of the birth that Kyan and I shared . Proud of the process , of trusting it and letting it happen as he and I chose . I don 't think I was more brave or stronger than any other woman . For millennia we have birthed babies and all those women were there with me reminding my brain to be silent and let my body do what it needed to do . I was a surrender warrior and yes that term is a contradiction but for the journey of birthing a babe I think it fits . in Birth Stories | Permalink I wanted to share the story of my second birth . I have a very rare birth defect . I was told at 15 years old that I would never be able to have children . When I became pregnant , I was a medical mystery . I had to see many specialists . The thought was that I would need a scheduled c - section . And yet , I had a natural birth with both my son and daughter . The Katrina and Asher are friends of mine and Sam 's . Asher is only a little younger than Sam and Katrina was in the Hypnobabies class I just took . She did the home study course the first time around and wanted to take the actual class this time to really get into it . She also happens to be a very talented photographer and just started an exciting project photographing nursing moms ! Labor with my son Asher began at 38 weeks . Well that 's when the REAL labor . At the hospital , the midwife checked me and I was a 6 ! Everyone seemed to think my labor would go pretty quickly , but it ended up being a rather long day on only 2 hours of sleep . My labor was definitely labor ! It was hard mental work to stay focused and relaxed . And I certainly had that moment during transition where I said I couldn 't do it anymore . My birth plan insisted on no drugs and that wish was respected . I was never offered any drugs and didn 't have an IV or even a heplock . Other than intermittent monitoring of the baby 's heart beat , I was left alone for the most part to do my thing . I was definitely in my own zone . I was mostly very quiet and didn 't even want my husband to touch me . It was very internal work . I was so connected to my body that it almost felt like an out of body experience , if that makes any sense . It was about 2 pm when I started feeling pushy and had the midwife confirm that I was fully dilated . I pushed for awhile sitting on the birth stool and then moved up on the bed . They set up the squat bar but I was much too tired at this point to actually squat . They tied a sheet to the top of the bar which I pulled with my arms as I pushed with my feet against the sides of the bar . It took 3 hours to push my baby out . Pushing was not at all painful for me , but it was exhausting ! His head was basically crowning for much of that three hours . Thankfully , the midwife was wonderful and spent those hours massaging me with oil and helping me stretch . ( I only had a very small tear with one stitch ! ) When but I was too tired and he was too slippery for me to lift him . Jared lifted him to my chest where I cradled him and breathed a huge sigh of relief . I had done it ! I was tired and exhausted but so thrilled that I had persevered and had the birth I wanted . I had my baby in my arms . He was healthy and beautiful despite being rather smooshed after being in the birth canal so long . I held him for long time before they took him and weighed him . He was 8 pounds even - - bigger than I was expecting my early baby to be . I don 't think there is anything more empowering than birthing a baby . It is a transformative experience like no other . It is so good to know that our bodies can create these perfect little humans and get them out ! I am now expecting my second baby and planning a home birth . I am really looking forward to staying in my comfortable home where I can stay better focused . I have confidence in my body to birth . I am preparing once again with Hypnobabies and am excited to experience the miracle of natural birth again . in Birth Stories | Permalink I grew up in a family of women who had all birthed naturally and greatly valued the experience , so when I got pregnant I knew it would be a goal of mine too . My husband and I are fortunate to live in an area with a hospital that contains a natural birthing center inside the hospital . For our first birth , this made us feel so comfortable , knowing that all of our preferences for natural birth would be supported and affirmed , but also knowing that in the case of necessary interventions , the regular hospital wards were just down the hall . My nine months passed with no complications or risk factors , and my due date came and went , and I was just starting to feel resigned to the fact that the baby wasn 't going to come after all . Saturday night , we went to bed about 10 : 00 p . m . , and I started to feel sick . I got up to visit the potty , but was never really ill , and after many repetitions of this , about 20 minutes apart , I started to catch on that I was in labor ! But I wanted to let my husband sleep as long as possible , so I would get up and work through the surges , go back to bed , and I waited until about 5 : 00 a . m . before waking my husband to help me time them . I took a bath , tried to relax , and we kept a nice little record of my surges on paper ( he 's an engineer ! ) . We arrived at the hospital around 7 : 30 a . m . and went to the birthing center , and I was about 4 cm dilated . Over the course of the next several hours , I walked , rocked on the birthing ball , and used hydrotherapy to help manage my surges . The transition stage was very intense for me , and lasted for several more hours , until my midwife realized that my membranes hadn 't yet ruptured . We then chose to go ahead and break my waters , so that this baby could come out ! A couple more hours of surges and pushing , and our son was born . All that hard work of laboring with my water intact had provided him with a wonderful cushion for his little body and head as he made his way through my body . He was simply born a beautiful baby ! He entered our life at 2 : 20 p . m . that Su | I especially love this story because it really supports what I 'm learning in my Hypnobabies classes . And I love how Crystal was supported in her journey to a natural birth by other women around her . Feeling that support , feeling a part of something greater , and larger than ourselves is so important . We are only one in a long chain of strong , empowered women who have accomplished the same great miracle that is bringing another life into being . I played college soccer . I could out run everyone on the team . I excelled at physical endeavors and mentally approached everything as a competition . When a healthy and joyful birth ; to make it the greatest moment of my life . I knew I could do it . When people asked , I told them , " I plan to have a natural birth . " Followed by , " Yes , without an epidural . " This was usually met with an apologetic look and , " Well , that is what my sister / cousin / friend / wife said and … " Months of this and I too , began to doubt myself . Three weeks before my due date , I was downtown in a tiny shop . A woman probably a decade older than me , whom I did not know , approached me . She smiled and asked my due date . I told her . She leaned in and gently said , " It really doesn 't hurt . " " What ? " I asked . She looked at my slyly , " When I gave birth , it didn 't hurt . I don 't know why they say that , ' pain . ' It is such a false description ; it is more of an intense pressure , a very intense pressure . But it feels good ; because your body knows what to do . " We chatted more . She told me her name , Margot , and her child birth preparation teacher , Ruth , the very same woman as ours . Two days later , I could no longer deny the fact that I was in labor . I went to work , I ate lunch , I called the doc . My husband and I spent our last hours as just the two of us together walking our yard . My water broke as I tried to sit in the swing . We went to the hospital . They were full . I paced the halls as they found a room for us . I rocked on a birthing ball and my nurse put her hands on my knees . She looked me squarely in the eyes and said , " What do you think ? " Although I could barely speak and we had only just met , I told her the first thing that came to mind , " I want to do it naturally . " She replied , " Great . I know you can do it . " We walked , we paced , I bounced on the birthing ball , we showered , we hit 10cm two hours after arriving at the hospital . There was intense pressure . An hour and a half of pushing later , our baby girl was born , beet red and healthy . She was placed on my chest . I sobbed tears of joy , my husband sobbed tears of joy . Our nurse cried . We named her Margot . I sipped the only substance I was administered since I had been admitted , a cranberry and ginger - ale " cocktail . " It was My daughter 's birth was the most AMAZING experience . Two women I had never met and who did not know me , believed in me . They knew something many of those close to me doubted … that I could birth on my own terms . I could have the birth that I wanted . I will remember it vividly as the most powerful and awe inspiring moment in my life . And you can too . I know it . in Birth Stories | Permalink My water broke at 7 am at home . By the afternoon I was checked into the hospital having regular painful contractions . The nurses drew my blood as part of their normal routine . The results of my blood platelet test were such that I was not a candidate for an epidural . I was only dilated to a 3 , the contractions were coming hard and fast , and I was in shock . I had not planned on a ' natural birth . ' In fact , I tried to not think about the birth process the entire pregnancy . I did not attend a childbirth prep class . I did not read any childbirth books . I was completely unprepared because I just planned on doing it the mainstream way . That was no longer an option . I was in a real life crash course in natural childbirth . After a few minutes of majorly freaking out , my husband , the nurses , and my doctor talked me into gaining control . They were telling me that I can do this and I started to believe them . The contractions came and didn 't seem to go . Before one started tapering off the next one came . Pressure points on my knees and hips became my life saver . I tried all sort of positions from standing to laying , but I found kneeling was the best for me . When my mind was in the right spot , the contractions felt right . They still hurt , but it was so natural . When it came time to push , I knew it and nothing felt so good . It was 8pm when she arrived . When the doctor laid her on my belly , it was such a wonderful feeling , words cannot describe how awesome I felt . I had a beautiful baby girl and I was now a mother . I did it . I had I would not in a million years change the outcome of that platelet test . I am so glad that I was forced into having a more open mind about childbirth . I have done it once and I am forever changed . I love this confident , calm story of a mama of two , gently bringing her third into the world at home . Thanks for sharing , Morgan ! When I was pregnant with my third baby , after two natural childbirths I 'm so excited to begin this series of birth stories . Every birth is so powerful and unique , each a miracle in its own way . Between now and our baby 's birth in July , I 'm going to be sharing a story each week of a beautiful birth to serve as inspiration , education and a point of reflection and source of empowerment . I hope you will enjoy reading them as much as I have enjoyed reading all the wonderful stories that have poured into my inbox ( if you 've been considering sharing yours , please do ! I don 't know if I 'll be able to share them all , but I 've read and enjoyed every one and we still have plenty of weeks to share before July ! ) KC says of her daughter Sofia 's birth , " I get so filled up with joy every time I mom 's arms for at least half an hour . She told me to cheer up , that I was going to have this baby tomorrow ! The next morning , which was Tuesday , my mom and I went for my |
This morning I was headed into my room to grab some clothes and Donny woke up . He looked at me and said hello . I asked him to take some lactulose and he agreed . After that he just kept saying hello over and over again . After about 5 minutes he went back to sleep . I decided that he 'd be okay for a bit and I went to church . Church had ended and we were all standing around talking when my cell phone rang . My battery chose that moment to die so I didn 't get the call . Then my friend 's phone rang , and I knew . My mom was calling to let me know that Donny was sitting in the living room with his pants down and he didn 't seem to know anybody . So I went home . After much hard work I got Donny in the car . This was after he tried to simply walk through my frail , elderly aunt . My mom helped me get all Donny 's stuff out to the car and made sure that I had some form of money on me . Then we were off to the hospital . What does it say when ER staff members recognize you ? Especially when one of them is the head security guard . I know he recognized me since he talked with me about what happened last time and the fact that security might get called again . The nice thing was that he helped me keep an eye on Donny , who felt the need to sit in as many chairs as he could find available . And he almost tried to sit in a couple of chairs that weren 't available . The tech in triage recognized us . He was helping the little blonde nurse that lives on the other coast the last time that we were in . I liked him that time , but I 'm not so sure about this time . He seemed a little to quick to move to force with Donny , but maybe he was having one of those days . Both doctors that we saw recognized us . The ER doc is one that I really like . Come to think of it , I like most of the ER docs there . He was as nice as always . Then came the resident . This is the same resident that had me in tears last time . He asked me if I thought that I could get Donny to take his lactulose at home . I could see where this was going , so I told him no . He was really going to try to senPosted by I often feel like a bad wife . I doubt myself and my choices a lot . Right now Donny is sleeping , just like he has all day . He 's refusing to take his lactulose . When he wakes up he tends to be combative . I know where this is heading . But he 's not at the hospital . Why ? Well , that 's where the bad wife part comes in . I have decided to wait and see if I can 't get him to improve here . I 'm fairly certain that he 's not bad enough to be admitted to the hospital yet . There 's nothing that ER can really do to help , so we wait . Tomorrow things might change , but right now it looks like we 'll be headed to the hospital in the morning . All of this is made worse because a friend of my mom 's woke up to find that her husband had died in the night . He was really sick and we knew that this was coming , but we all thought that there would be a few more months . This lady is the one person with whom I 've truly been able to share my journey , since she was walking the same path as me . We 've vented about our husbands together , knowing that we wouldn 't be judged . Through her I discovered that it 's okay to be upset with somebody , even if they are sick . My heart breaks for her . It 's way too easy to imagine what she 's going through . And yet I can 't imagine it at all . To lose your best friend must be a bigger pain than I could ever imagine . Today I got a reminder of why we 're making decisions and arrangements now . It may be morbid , but we 're planning Donny 's funeral now . I don 't want to be faced with all these decisions when I 'm in the worst possible frame of mind to deal with them . I 'm actually looking forward to getting it all done . Once we 've done all that we can to prepare for death we can get on with life . Let me start off by saying that Christmas was wonderful . We had brunch with some close friends of ours , then we had a family day at home . Everybody took a nap , followed by game time . The friends who provided brunch stopped by and we played a game together . After they left we sat around talking and just enjoying being a family . It was nice while it lasted . Yesterday I took Donny to see the GI . This doctor is one who we 've not cared for in the past . I 'm sure he knows his stuff , but he has the personality of a wet rag . The first time that we saw him ( which was about 2 years ago ) Donny walked out of there describing him as House . His personality really does rival Dr . House . The doctor did tell us that if Donny wants to get a liver transplant he has to stop drinking and give up the pain killers . The smoking thing makes sense , but the painkillers just aren 't happening . He has very bad chronic back pain that can 't be fixed . We looked into all the options before the rest of his health got so bad , painkillers are all that can be done . If you think that I 'm going to live with him while he gives up the painkillers and smoking then you 're smoking something . It will be ugly . While the doctor didn 't do much for us , he did spark a conversation about quality of life versus quantity of life . If you 're going to have to live in excruciating pain , do you really want to go on living ? At what point do you say screw it , I 'm just going to enjoy what 's left ? And who should you discuss this with ? Do his daughters , who have very little contact with us , deserve to be a part of this decision ? Do I force the issue of including them ? And do we put it off until the youngest decides to start talking to us again ? I hat the decisions that have to be made . The other thing that this Dr . is doing for ( to ? ) Donny is an endoscopy . Apparently this should have been done a long time ago , since he 's been diagnosed with portal hypertension . I swear , liver disease needs an instruction manual . There are so many things that I don 't know I should be asking about . EPosted by Luke 2 : 1 - 20The Birth of Jesus1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world . 2 ( This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria . ) 3And everyone went to his own town to register . 4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea , to Bethlehem the town of David , because he belonged to the house and line of David . 5He went there to register with Mary , who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child . 6While they were there , the time came for the baby to be born , 7and she gave birth to her firstborn , a son . She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger , because there was no room for them in the inn . The Shepherds and the Angels8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby , keeping watch over their flocks at night . 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them , and the glory of the Lord shone around them , and they were terrified . 10But the angel said to them , " Do not be afraid . I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people . 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you ; he is Christ [ a ] the Lord . 12This will be a sign to you : You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger . " 13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel , praising God and saying , 14 " Glory to God in the highest , and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests . " 15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven , the shepherds said to one another , " Let 's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened , which the Lord has told us about . " 16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and the baby , who was lying in the manger . 17When they had seen him , they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child , 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them . 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart . 20The shepherds returned , glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heaPosted by What the hell possessed me to make me think that I wanted to bake cookies ? And why on earth would I think that I wanted to make cookie trays for people ? How long could my brain been out of commission for , that I actually bought the ingredients ? My grandma bakes cookies on a scale only rivaled by some of the larger cookie manufacturers . Those little elves in a tree don 't know what baking is . I think it was last week that I mailed off 18 boxes of cookies for her . The week before that it was only four since they were going overseas . And now there are more boxes to be mailed . I think it 's about 16 , but I 'm not sure . All of that should give me a clear idea of what I was undertaking , and I did it anyway . I 'm only doing cookies for 3 or 4 families , so I don 't need as many . I had figured that if I did one kind each day , starting on Wednesday , I 'd have no problems being ready . Ha ! I think it was Tuesday night that I made my sugar cookie dough . It has to be refrigerated , so it didn 't get baked that night . On Wednesday night I made some no bake cookies since I was too tired to do anything else . On Thursday I didn 't get home until late , so nothing got done . Last night I was too tired to attempt anything . This all leads to me having too much baking to do today . This morning I tried to get started , but Donny needed me . So this afternoon I went in and made the truffle dough . Then i baked off sugar cookies while the truffle dough was in the fridge . Then I rolled out truffles . Then I made mocha truffle cookies . Oh wait , somewhere in there I stopped for dinner . All I know is that after 9 hours of baking I 'm still not done . There 's still gooey caramel bars and lacy oatmeal cookies to do . Oh , and one more kind of no - bake cookie . And tomorrow we go see my mother - in - law . Have you ever tried baking while dizzy ? Let me tell you something , it adds a whole new level to the baking . I felt like some dumb drunk . Walking in a straight line is an under appreciated talent . Well , I gotta go to bed now . I 'm hoping that the baking will seem much more maPosted by I went to the doctor today . The bottom number on my blood pressure was a little high . I figure that there 's enough stress in my life that I should be allowed the occasional high reading . All my previous readings have been normal , so one high reading isn 't going to freak me out . I talked to the doctor about the dizziness . He 's going to run some blood tests to make sure that we don 't miss anything , but he seems to suspect that it 's stress related . I 'm hoping that 's all it is . I 'm scared of having something wrong that means missing more work . I don 't like starting a job at the same time that I may end up needing frequent doctor appointments . I go back in a month for results . If anything major shows up in my blood work he 'll call me in before then . I was going to get away with going back in three months , but then he looked at my blood pressure . He wants to check it again in a month just to be sure that it 's nothing . This post comes via Mielikki . It looked like fun , so I decided to play along . If you want to play too please join in . 1 . Wrapping paper or gift bags ? - Depends on how hard it will be to wrap . I prefer using wrapping paper though , it 's more fun to open . 2 . Real or Artificial Tree ? Artificial . My mom 's allergic to real . This time of year sucks for her . 3 . When do you put up the tree ? Normally it goes up the day after Thanksgiving , but this year it was a little later . Last week we finally bought a miniature tree that 's fiber - optic to put on a table in the living room . We just didn 't want to go to the hassle of dragging out the big tree . 4 . When do you take the tree down ? As late as we can get away with . Actually it usually comes down around January 2nd or 3rd . 5 . Do you like eggnog ? I love the stuff , but not with alcohol in it . 6 . Favorite gift received as a child ? The only ones that I can recall was the year of coloring books and crayons . That was all I would ask for , so that 's just about all I got . My mom counted something like 22 coloring books and about 10 different boxes of crayons . Not much variety , but I was thrilled . 7 . Do you have a nativity scene ? Not that I can find , but I know I have one somewhere . 8 . Worst Christmas Gift you ever received ? I can 't think of any truly bad gifts . 9 . Mail or E mail Christmas Cards ? What Christmas cards ? 10 . Favorite Christmas Movie ? - The only one that I 've watched recently is the Polar Express , and only because it 's the only movie that my 2 year old nephew will watch right now . 11 . When do you start shopping for Christmas ? When I have the money . 12 . Favorite thing to eat on Christmas ? Everything . ( I didn 't get fat by being a picky eater . ) 13 . Clear lights or colored ? Colored on the tree , clear outside14 . Favorite Christmas Song ? All the traditional carols and anything by Trans Siberian Orchestra . 15 . Travel at Christmas , or stay home ? Right now it 's stay home , but when I lived away from my parents I would come home for Christmas . 16 . Can you name all of Santa 's reindeer ? Nope , I have bettePosted by Donny finally got over being mad at me , although after today I don 't know if that will still be true . My day was busy . It got off to a great start . Donny and I did fine this morning . My mom took me out to breakfast . And then I went shopping . I got everything I was looking for at the first store that I went to . Go pick up my mom and she takes me out to lunch . I knew that things were going to get a bit hectic when I called my friend that 's doing the tax stuff with me . I needed to let her know that I would be meeting her at our training session instead of having her pick me up at my house . That 's when she reminded me that 's when she reminded me that I was supposed to watch her son for about an hour this morning . I had completely forgotten . She was quick to forgive me and reminded me that I was babysitting tonight . Good thing she reminded me . As I sat waiting for my mom to finish what she was doing so that we could go to lunch I had another dizzy spell . These are getting annoying . It was followed by the trick my eyes play on me where it looks like there 's fog rolling in waves up my eyes . It 's really weird . And then at lunch I got dizzy again . This time it lasted close to half an hour . That 's when mom took the car keys away . After lunch mom dropped me off at our training thing . It was long and rather boring . I was getting sore because the chair I was in was tilted just right that I was fighting to not get dumped in the floor . I would have gotten a different chair , but the next available chair was spoken for by the guy that was sitting on a box . After training I went to my friend 's house to babysit . I know that Donny 's upset that I didn 't tell him in advance that I had this to do , but I had completely forgotten . I had expected to be done in about 3 hours . It took a little over 5 . But that 's okay , we had fun . Have you ever done a gingerbread house with a 2 year old ? Let me tell you something , they 're not that interested . The only reason that he stayed by my side was because I had a steady stream of sugar available . he was liPosted by Donny is pissed at me . He is so pissed at me that he tried to ground me . Now you may not know this , but I can be rather stubborn . When he tried to ground me I laughed at him . To prove that he couldn 't ground me I then went shopping with my mom . ( I still can 't find blouses for work . ) The worst part about this fight is that it 's because I force him to take care of himself . Yesterday I needed to go to the grocery store . Donny said that he 'd go with me . He wanted a soda and he wanted out of the house . This sounded good , so my mom told me to use her money to get him some soda and a thing of Limburger cheese . We got in the car to go and Donny looks at me and says , " Let the fighting begin . Can I have a couple beers ? " My immediate , and rather emphatic , answer was no . I will not let him go down that path again . So he got out of the car and went back in the house . I went in and got dinner ready so that I could go shopping with my mom . I decided to go with our original plan of me fixing dinner and then we 'd go to the grocery store before heading into town . As I was fixing dinner Donny came in and told me that he 'd changed his mind and I was no longer allowed to go shopping with my mom . I ignored him and continued what I was doing . He came back a few minutes later and said that he wanted to talk to me . I filed that away in my head and finished what I was doing . When dinner was ready I found Donny to see what he needed . He told me again that I wasn 't to go shopping with my mom . He claims that I have him trapped in our house and won 't let him go anywhere or do anything . That 's why for the next 2 weeks I 'm only allowed to go to work and then come straight home . That didn 't really fly with me . I pointed out that I 'm always asking him to go places with me , but he doesn 't ever feel like it , so I don 't push it . He then said that I have him cut off from everything . I asked what I have him cut off from , besides booze . He said his medicine . I pointed out that I give him his medicine just how it 's prescribed . I told him that if he had problPosted by I got my score from my final back today . I got 100 % ! This gave me 98 % overall for the class . That was the highest grade in our class . My friend that was doing the class with me ( who did taxes last year ) got a slightly lower score than me , which means that I get the bragging rights . I get a couple days to bask in the joy of this , and then I start my training . At least that 's paid time . I 'm so happy ! : ) For a while now Donny and I have talked about moving once we get our finances in order . Things are finally looking up , so the debate has become more involved . We really don 't know what to do . Living in our current home is not an ideal situation . I love my family , but they drive me nuts sometimes . The worst of it is that my grandma and her sister don 't deal well with Donny . They have a hard time accepting that his brain is gone and so there 's no changing his odd behaviors . And , to be honest , I 'm sick of hearing how awful my husband is . He may not be very functional now , but this isn 't the real Donny . The real Donny is buried somewhere under all that confusion and it 's for him that we keep trying . The drawback to getting a place of our own is that I 'm starting a full time job . Who 's going to stay with Donny while I work ? I certainly can 't leave him home alone all day . He 's not safe by himself . Everybody that I know has a life of their own and is unable to drop everything to sit with Donny all day . I just don 't see how we 'd get around that . So the debate rages on . At the moment it 's all academic anyway . But the day is coming quickly where we 'll need to make a decision . I just talked to Donny 's lawyer . He 's been approved for Social Security disability ! This opens up so many possibilities for him . After comments to my last , rather depressed , post I started looking into hospice care . It was really discouraging to see them all talk about getting Medicare to pay for their services . Now that he 's been declared disabled I have hope that he 'll qualify for more services . I really think that this will open up a lot of treatment possibilities . There 's hope again ! Could somebody please tell me what to expect ? How much worse will Donny get before it 's over ? How much time do we have left ? Isn 't there anybody out there who has some idea of what 's going to happen ? I don 't know how much more I can handle . And I don 't know what I 'll do when I can 't care for him anymore . If we 're nowhere near the end , and it 's going to get a lot worse , I just might lose my mind . Do you have any idea what it 's like to watch your husband lose his mental function ? Donny was never book smart , but he used to have street smarts that could get you through anything . Now he can 't dress himself unless he 's wearing sweats and a tshirt . And even then he can 't always dress himself . And don 't even think about getting him to shower by himself . How much worse can it get ? I fear the day that we have to switch to using diapers with him . I can change a baby , but how do you change an adult ? And yet , I can 't be home all the time to take him to the bathroom . Life has to keep going somehow . What will I do ? Our insurance doesn 't cover a nursing home , so there 's no way in hell that they 'll cover home nursing . And if I can 't get Social Security to declare him disabled , then most services for low income disabled people aren 't available to us . I feel like I 'm beating my head against a wall . All I want is good healthcare for my husband , but I can 't figure out how to get that . If a doctor could tell me what to expect I could at least start looking for solutions to coming problems , but they 're vague at best . And the specialist that 's supposed to see him keeps putting him off . I keep get the feeling that folks are just making excuses , biding their time , waiting til he dies . Then the problem goes away , and they never have to deal with it . Our regualr doctor does what he can , but this isn 't his area of expertise . He tries to help me , but he can 't force other people to do anything . He just can 't provide the answers that I need . Where are all the answers ? Yesterday was a long , but fun day . I went shopping with my mom . I need clothes for the office , but I 'm on a budget . This makes clothes shopping a challenge . I love a challenge . I was at one of the pricier stores that I like , looking at the clearance racks . I found some pants that were exactly what I was looking for , and they were my size . So I started looking for a price . The only sign that I could see said $ 4 . 99 . Now , I know that I was shopping a clearance rack , but these were $ 44 . 99 normally , so I knew that couldn 't be the price . I finally asked somebody who worked there to check the price for me . They were $ 4 . 99 ! I got three new pairs of pants . Last night I babysat for my pastor . I got the kids from the other babysitter at 8 : 00 . I had the girls put their jammies on right away because I wanted to get them into bed . Their mom had laid out clean jammies for all three girls right where they couldn 't be missed in the living room floor . So the girls stripped down right there in the living room and changed . The youngest one took the middle girl 's jammies and had the shirt on before anybody realized what she had done . Getting the right jammies on her caused the first meltdown . They informed me that they were hungry , the other babysitter didn 't give them dinner ( not true ) , they always get a bedtime snack , and so on . So I let them have some crackers with peanutbutter and a little milk . The youngest one got over her meltdown and joined us for snack . her cracker broke and so it became unacceptable to her . So she threw it across the table at her sister . That 's when I removed her from the table , and so began the second meltdown . I took her in the hallway , awa from the noise , and was kind of rocking her and trying to calm her down . I asked her if she wanted a snack and she told me no . So I asked her if she wanted some milk and she told me no . Then I asked her if she just wanted to be disagreeable , and she said yes . Lovely , she 's not quite three and she 's already PMSing . Snack time was over and I got the girls to brush their teetPosted by I had a fairly average day today . This morning Donny decided to take his medicine after all . He 's terrified of being put in restraints again . When his head 's clear he realizes that he can avoid restraints by taking his lactulose , so he 's usually pretty good about taking it . I went grocery shopping with my parents today . We spent $ 478 . 37 in one LONG trip to the store . Let me tell you , our monthly shopping trips are not for the faint of heart . My mom and I got worried when we realized that we 'd lost my dad and he had his own cart . Fortunately he didn 't put very much in it , because I had to track him down and trade carts since mine and mom 's were full . I was exhausted by the time we left the store . After spending almost $ 500 dollars on groceries , we had KFC for dinner . I was too damn tired to cook . Donny woke up just as we were sitting down to eat , so for once he actually joined us at the dinner table . It was nice to have a family dinner , even if Donny and Aunt Lenora couldn 't stop sniping at each other for very long . After dinner I took a chair into the kitchen and sat down to start working on the groceries . I had to sort through all the bags and make sure that all the perishables were put away . I also had to sort out the stuff that 's being saved for something special and set it aside . As I was sitting there doing this a large can of pumpkin fell of the counter . The edge of it hit my knee and it felt like it dug in behind the knee cap some . Let me tell you , that smarts . I found out today that my babysitting job tomorrow will be easier than I thought . I 'm to show up at 8 : 00 , just after the first babysitter puts the kids to bed . I just have to be a live , warm , adult body in the house . A piece of cake ! Today was a day of ups and downs for me . I didn 't do the reading for my class this morning . I simply had run out of time well before I ran out of stuff to do . I was also a little worried because I thought that I needed to study more before my final on parts 2 & 3 today . When class started the instructor asked the class if anybody had done the reading . Nobody spoke up , so at least I wasn 't alone . He then said that it was okay since none of it would be on the final . What a relief ! It got better when we only used about half the morning session for that chapter . Our instructor decided to use the other half to review what would be on the final . He told us that we could have a page of notes for the closed book portion of the final . And then he went over each question one by one , telling us the answers . He didn 't say that we were covering the exact questions from the final , but I had a hunch that we were . That 's why I wrote down the answers as he gave them . When it came time to do the final I took out the notes I 'd taken during the review . I read everything carefully , just to be sure that the questions were the same ones that we 'd covered , and then I copied the answers over . The open book part was really easy too , since we 'd been told exactly where to find the answers . The third part of the final was to do an actual return that included all the schedules and forms that we 'd been studying . If you own your own home , have a rental property , hold a job , own a business , and are raising a couple of kids , one of whom is in college , I can do your taxes . I got this return done and just needed to print and sign it when I discovered that there was a problem with my computer and I couldn 't print . Normally this wouldn 't be a problem , just sign in on another computer and print your return . Unfortunately my computer was not hooked up to the network so I couldn 't access my work from another computer . This meant that I had to start all over again . So I switched computers and redid my work . After I was all done I realized that I was wrong . I hPosted by My husband can be so sweet . I got paid today , and due to getting extra hours we had more cash than usual . I was thinking of all the things that we need to get done and trying to prioritize them . That 's about when Donny told me that I had to put $ 100 in my dad 's wallet . Donny 's not allowed to have cash , so I wasn 't surprised that he said for me to give the money to my dad , what surprised me was the amount of money that he wanted put away . So I started questioning him . Why do you want me to put that money away ? Is there something that I should know ? Donny had to think about it for a bit before deciding to answer me . At first he just said that it was for a Christmas present . That 's when I started trying to bargain him down to a smaller amount , but he was adamant . He thought about it , realized that I would have to be in on the purchasing phase of things , and decided to tell me what was going on . My husband wants me to buy myself a pair of shoes . He wants me to actually spend $ 100 on 1 pair of shoes . For budgetary reasons I just can 't bring myself to spend that much on 1 pair of shoes . This is why tomorrow my husband is going shopping with me while I look for shoes . Just when I 'm convinced that the sweet , thoughtful man that I married is gone for good , he goes and does something like this . I really do love him , even when he doesn 't insist that I buy new shoes . I 'm beginning to think that I should not attempt to do anything outside of the house . I went to work for about an hour this evening . Donny called me while I was there to let me know that he 'd had 2 black , tarry bowel movements today . Thanks for sharing . Maybe the problem is that I had nowhere to go tomorrow . I thought that I was finally getting a stay at home day , but maybe not . I now have to give his doctor a call in the morning and ask him how concerned we should be . I 'm really hoping to hear that we should give it a couple of days and see what happens . I 'm still holding out hope that it 's something that he ate . Last night was the annual tree lighting in our small town . My mom had a craft booth and my church was passing out cookies . The two booths were side by side so being at them both was easy . I was able to visit with people and spend more time getting to know them . It was really fun . At one point a man brought his daughter to the church 's booth to get a cookie . She was 15 months old and she was adorable . With her dad 's encouragement she would hold one little tiny finger up when asked her age . She smiled real pretty at everyone and seemed to be a very happy child . It was great . That 's when the punch in the stomach came . I never see it coming , it 's always too late to back off before it hits . I want one . Donny and I really wanted to have a child together . Unfortunately I can 't have one without a doctor 's help . And right now the doctor won 't let me because it would be too high of a risk health wise . The truly awful thing is that I know that Donny and I will never have a child together . It won 't happen before he goes . Even if I were healthy , he couldn 't now . I know that there is still the possibility of having a baby some time in the future . However , I 'm 30 , so that window of opportunity is getting smaller . With all my health issues this is something that I should have done in my 20s , but it wasn 't time for a baby then . By the time that I find somebody else to start a family with , if I ever do , I 'll probably be a lot closer to 40 . I 'm getting really afraid that I 'll never know the joy of being pregnant . At least there 's a much better prospect for knowing the joy of motherhood . There 's always adoption . Today my mom and I were sitting eating lunch when she started complaining to me about how her finger hurts . She was telling me about how it hurts to use the mouse and so she thought that she might be using the computer too much . And then she said that she had started noticing it while doing other things , like holding a puzzle book open . She seemed to believe that she might have a repetitive motion injury in her finger . It was at this point that I asked her when she first started noticing the pain . She thought about it for a second and then said that she first noticed it Wednesday night . I couldn 't believe that she hadn 't put 2 and 2 together yet . You see , she fell Wednesday afternoon . I pointed out that most people 's natural reflex is to catch themselves with their hands . She stopped and thought about it , and then realized that the finger that hurt was on the side of her body that she fell on . We 're not talking about the kind of fall where you jump up and hope nobody saw . We 're talking about she laid on the sidewalk until a passing car noticed her and stopped to help . ( They went in and got a chair from the salon that my mom had been headed into when she fell . Mom 's not small , so having her pull herself up was the best solution . ) This was the kind of fall that would lead some people into going in and getting checked just to be sure they were okay . So thinking that mom might have injured her finger when she tried to catch herself is not a far leap in logic . So I bugged my mom until she called and made an appointment with her doctor . I want to be sure that there 's nothing that can be done for her . Of course she can 't get in until a week from this coming Tuesday , but at least she 's going . And until the doctor sees her I had her put a splint on her finger . She barely has any range of motion , but when she tries to bend the finger it hurts . So I 'm the Meany who 's making her wear a splint so that she remembers not to bend the finger . I was telling a friend about this and she told me something interesting . She said to cradle Posted by I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago . It was a group interview with about 30 people . It went well , and at the end they asked that we all take turns meeting with the district manager 's secretary . She needed to get us put into the system so that our paperwork could be processed . This ended up taking about 3 hours . And of course I wound up being the next - to - last person . If I 'd quit visiting and get in line then I probably wouldn 't be last so often . As I sat there waiting to be seen one of the more experienced preparers came in to the office for reasons that I still don 't grasp . He sat down at the table where several of us were waiting and started visiting . The number of people dwindled and it ended up being just the two of us talking . We were having the usual conversation where we talk about what I can expect as a first year preparer and he gave advice about things that help improve your skills . At some point in the conversation we started discussing what my expectations were . I told him that I wanted to pick up as many hours as I could . I then explained that this would be hampered because of Donny 's health . He thought about it for a couple of minutes , and then he recommended a certain office for me . It wasn 't the office that I had originally applied for , but I 've spent a little time getting acquainted with the manager of that office . Her dad teaches my class and she comes in to help him , so we 've spent some time talking . I originally applied for the office that my teacher works in . After I was done with the interview ( actually the computer broke and so I had to do my paperwork later ) I was talking to my friend that worked for this company last year . I told her about my conversation with Al . I was surprised to hear her shock at the fact that he had told the district manager to hire me . Apparently Al doesn 't normally get involved in the hiring process . And a suggestion that I thought could be shrugged off as somebody not knowing what they 're talking about is now being taken very seriously . I guess Al pulled the oPosted by One of these days we 'll learn that I shouldn 't be the one that takes grandma to her appointments with Dr . Late . I swear we came close to me doing something that would force my grandma to switch doctors . I just couldn 't think of anything that wouldn 't lead to me being thrown in jail . I can 't see any reason that expecting people to wait 2 hours to be seen is acceptable . If you have an emergency that puts you that far behind schedule then calling patients and telling them to come in later would be an acceptable way of handling things . And how many emergencies are you having ? Every time that I take my grandma in you are extremely behind schedule . To me that smacks of poor scheduling . I realize that you have a god complex , but my time is valuable too . There are much better things that I could do in those 2 hours if I 'm not sitting in your waiting room . And then , when you do show up , do not have the nerve to harass me about my obvious shortage of time for getting ready . I realize that big fuzzy slippers are not normal footwear for your office . I was hurrying to make it to the appointment on time , a concept that you clearly do not understand . And if you choose to give me a hard time about the slippers , don 't get your panties in a bunch when I tell you that if I 'd known you were running 2 hours late I would have taken the time to find my shoes . Just remember , you opened that particular door . And is it just me , or is voicing concerns about nutrition something that should be done in the doctor 's office ? I can 't believe that it would be wrong to point out that the patient hardly eats anything and so they may have nutrition problems . I was even nice in how I said it . And still the doctor seemed to get his feathers ruffled because I dare question what 's going on with his patient . I presented it as something that I didn 't think you were aware of because I was told that you weren 't aware of her drastic diet . I really was not trying to be sarcastic , which is how you seem to have taken it . ( I must apologize for the rant , but that docPosted by I went into town today to pick up Donny 's antibiotics . This means driving the back roads where the speed limit is 55 . There 's this long straight stretch with no stop signs where everyone goes a minimum of 70 , and I was cruising it at 73 . I know the exact speed I was going because the officer who ticketed me was nice enough to let me know . Now why the hell can 't I ever remember the lessons that I 've gotten in how to get out of a ticket ? My mom has a couple of stories about getting pulled over that end with the officer laughing too hard to write a ticket . Since I seem to be lacking in the humor department maybe I should get a fake ID . I bet giving a fake ID to a cop would get me into lots of trouble . At least then I 'd have a good story to tell . Well , since I don 't have any good stories I guess I 'll have to find another way to amuse myself . I think that I 'll enter the contest over at Mommified Me . That is , if I can get blogger to work correctly so I can get the music . And if I can think of anything truly inspired . Well , the experiment with Donny turned out about how I expected . While I was at school Saturday he slept . He slept the day away yesterday . He only woke up to go to the bathroom , where he forgot to shut the door and then fell asleep sitting there . The door thing wouldn 't be so bad if there weren 't 3 other women living in this house . This afternoon I woke Donny up to check on him . I probably should have done so sooner , but I couldn 't deal with things emotionally , so I failed him . When I woke him up today he seemed okay at first . He held a reasonably coherent conversation with me . He was a little out of it , but it seemed to be the kind of confusion that many people have when waking from a deep sleep . I kept him awake so i could get a better understanding of how he was doing . I laid in bed with him and we watched TV and talked a little bit . At one point he looked over at me and said , " I love you honey . " I told him that I loved him too . A minute later , for some reason that I still don 't know I asked him who I was . He couldn 't answer me . After thinking about it for a little while he decided that my name must be honey . It makes sense since I answered to that . I continued questioning him and found that he didn 't know where he was , what day it was , or who he was . I became concerned . It seems to me that after 50 years he really ought to remember his own name . I finally convinced him to get in the car and we went to ER . If I had to be a little misleading about where we were going , I had the best of intentions at least . We arrived at ER at 4 : 30 . By 5 : 30 he 'd been triaged . Sometime after that the lab people came and got him and got his blood work started . Around 7 : 30 he went to a bed . By the time he got a bed his labs were already back . By 8 : 00 he 'd seen a doctor and been told that he 'd be staying since his ammonia level was 117 . The doctor said that he 'd go call the resident that covers for our doctor to come admit Donny . He then sent Donny for a chest ex ray just to be safe , since he has COPD . The resident got there and decided Posted by We got our finals back today . I got a 96 % on mine . It was the highest grade in the class . The teacher announced it because he found it amusing that I scored higher than my friend who was taking the class for the second time . ( She passed the first time , she just wanted a bit of a refresher . ) Out of the four sections on the test I got a perfect score on three of them . The one where I made mistakes I knew walking out of there last week that I 'd made mistakes there . And I still got most of them right . I am so happy ! : ) I have done something that may prove very stupid . I turned my husband 's medicine over to him . The last time that I did this he wound up in the hospital . We 'll see how this goes . We 've been fighting non - stop for a few days now because of his medicine . He wants to take more painkillers , while I think he needs to take less . It 's not that I want him to be in pain , but the percocet seemed to be causing some confusion and possibly some hallucinations . In an attempt to get his brain function under control I forced him to take the medicine as prescribed . He wanted more than that . The problem with getting fed up and turning the medicine over to him is that I know there will be consequences that I don 't like down the road . He 's going to run out of pain killers before the they can be refilled . He very well may put himself in the hospital . But I just can 't take the fighting anymore . One of my biggest worries when I 'm doing his medicine is that he 'll accuse me of withholding medicine in the presence of somebody who has to report abuse . I don 't know how to prove that I gave him his medicine . The pills being gone doesn 't prove that he got them . I 'm hoping that the medicine would show up in a drug test . And the worst part is that he believes himself . He forgets that he 's already taken his pills and he wants them again . I 'm going to have to be vigilant about watching for signs of overdose . And yet that 's easier than fighting with him all day every day . Well , here 's to good results from a bad experiment . Because of my current obsession with medical stuff I tend to read a lot of medical blogs . In theses blogs medical professionals are a little more honest and blunt than they can be at work , for obvious reasons . Several of them have now referred to fibromyalgia in a way that suggests that it 's not real in most cases . This prompted me to look up what it is . O my God , I could have fibromyalgia ! If I tried hard enough I could get a doctor to say that I have it . I mean , muscle pain and fatigue are a constant part of my life . And all this time I thought that my back hurt because of the extra weight that I make it haul around . And I thought that my shoulders hurt because of poor posture . And I could have sworn that the fatigue was because I 'm up all night on the computer instead of sleeping . I seriously believe that I could convince a doctor that I have this . That is , if I can find a doctor who believes that it 's real . I now understand why healthcare professionals don 't automatically believe that there 's a real problem just because you have a fancy name to put to it . If I wanted to insure that I get narcotics I suppose that I could get a fancy name put to my pretend pain . I understand that there are probably people out there who really do suffer from fibromyalgia and are not just in it for the drugs . For their sake I really wish that people wouldn 't use this as a crutch to get meds . Nobody is going to take it seriously if 99 times out of 100 there 's really nothing wrong with the patient other than an addiction to strong pain meds . I hate it when people fake an illness because it really does make it harder on people who are legitimately sick . I sometimes wonder why people feel the need to fake an illness at all . I 've found that when I go to the doctor with a problem that may cause pain the doc is usually very liberal about giving pain meds . The only time that I ran into a problem was when I was visiting my grandparents out of state and had a toothache from hell . The first doctor that I saw looked at the fact that I was from oPosted by There are times when I wish that I was a doctor . This is one of them . Donny is confused again . He 's doing this weird thing where he says one word , but means another , and he doesn 't realize that he 's saying the wrong word . I 've upped his dose of lactulose and I 'm hoping that will fix things . I wish I was a doctor so that I could figure out whether or not he needs to go to the hospital . I know his ammonia levels are probably elevated . What I don 't know is how badly . I also don 't know at what point he needs to be in a setting that can deal with a medical emergency . I really wish that he came with instructions . Right now this is somewhat of an academic debate , since I don 't have reliable transportation to get into town . The cars will be home in a couple of hours and so I 'll give it until then to see if he improves . If he can 't wait I 'll start calling friends , or worst case scenario , I can call for an ambulance . I just hate the thought of tying up an ambulance unless there 's no way to safely transport him to the hospital myself . Yesterday Donny had all of his teeth pulled . ( There really weren 't that many , it took all of an hour . ) The oral surgeon gave him percocet for the pain . Since the surgeon and his doctor have been talking to each other , I 'm assuming that the doctor approved of this . So he 's been getting one every 4 - 6 hours since we picked them up . I can 't help but wonder if the increased percocet is responsible for his confusion . And I 'm back to the question of whether or not that deserves a trip to ER . I would love to be able to call the hospital and ask them whether or not I should take him in , but they 're not allowed to tell me anything over the phone . They definitely are not allowed to tell me not to bring him in . There 's just way too much room for a lawsuit in that , no hospital will allow it . Some insurance companies have started hotlines where you can call and talk to a nurse . Of course , when you 're on the county MIA program there 's nothing like that available . So I 'm back to wishing that I were a doctor . I took my final today . Boy am I glad that I went to that extra study session . I was the first person to finish , and that had me worried . There were 4 parts to the final , and one of them was to complete a return that combined all the different areas that we 've been learning about . The instructor was able to tell me that the bottom line on the return was correct , but I don 't get my grade until next Saturday . But at least there 's nothing left to stress about . What a relief ! I got to teach Donny a good lesson today . For a long time now he has had no patience . When we 're having to wait somewhere I usually send him outside until it 's our turn because he 's so bad at waiting . He gets so frustrated that he becomes verbally abusive . So today was medicine day . At the pharmacy that we have to use the wait is usually about an hour . I took a textbook in with me to study while I waited . I left Donny in the car to try to nap . After I dropped off the prescriptions I sat down in the waiting area and started to study . I heard a lot of grumbling around me about the long waits , but that 's par for course . I realized that I 'd never remember what I was reading so I closed my book and started talking to the people near me . This is usually a good way to get amusing stories for later . All the people around me were normal and so time seemed to drag by , but I continued to sit there hopefully . At some point Donny came in to check on me . I let him know that I was fine and sent him back outside . Finally the really nice lady that I prefer to deal with caught my eye and let me know that I would be next . I gathered up my things and stood behind the " privacy line " to wait my turn . Donny came back in so I let him know that we were next and told him to wait in the car for me . When I got to the window the lady made a comment that led me to figure out that we had been bumped up in the line a little because she appreciated how patient I was . It was obvious that she was frazzled and so I felt bad for her when it turned out that his medicine had somehow gotten strung out between four or five different places . She even found my refill in the process . I told her that I 'd have to come back for my meds since I had failed to bring my insurance card with me . She asked me if it was up to date and I said yes . So she told me that she 'd vouch for me and let me get my meds while I was there anyway . So after this was all over with I was talking to Donny about it . I finally had proof for him that a little bit of patience pays off in the lonPosted by I have the final on the first part of my tax class coming up on Saturday . I have to get at least 70 % to get certified by the state of California and with at least 80 % to get hired where I applied . This has me very worried since this class is kicking my butt . And that 's why I went to the lab class today . It 's not required , but I figured that I could at least get some more computer time in , since the program we use isn 't available for home computers . These labs are a great way to make up missed classes . I really like the fact that the teachers are taking turns doing these for us . I got to lab today to discover that there were only 2 of us taking advantage of the opportunity . The other student is taking the course as a refresher since she passed it last year . ( So much is covered that it 's highly recommended that you take it 2 years in a row . ) She was only there because she wanted more practice on the computer . That meant that she didn 't really need much help . All of that adds up to me getting a lot of one on one time with the teacher . The guy that was teaching today isn 't my regular teacher , but he 's the one that taught this course to my regular teacher however many years ago . He was great . I told him that I was studying for the final , so he grabbed his copy and started quizzing me . He actually went through and read each question to me straight out of the book and helped me find the answers that I didn 't know . I now know exactly what areas I need to really concentrate on as I continue studying . It was great . He really boosted my confidence level . I am so glad that I went . I went to the doctor again today . I had taken my last dose of zithromax last night and I just wasn 't feeling any better . In fact , I now am having problems with one ear . So I actually managed to get in to see my doctor . He seemed rather surprised to discover that I developed an ear infection while on antibiotics , but the infection is definitely there . So here we go with another round of antibiotics , but this time it 's amoxicyllin . I just hope that works . On to happier things . Mielikki posted about Christmas trees , asking whether people prefer real or artificial . Her post got me to remembering . My family always uses fake trees because my mom 's allergic to the real thing . When I got out on my own it just seemed natural to buy a fake tree , I never even considered going for a real one . That first Christmas that I decorated my own place was hard for me . Our family tradition had always been to decorate the tree together . We have a hodge - podge of ornaments that have been collected over the years . Many of them my sister and I made . As we decorate we talk about the memories that go with the various decorations . We even enjoy the annual debate over who the crocheted ice skate ornament belongs to . ( For the record , it 's mine . ) That first Christmas on my own I was homesick . I went and bought a tree , and then I put it up in my living room . I then cried to my best friend about how my tree looked like a Charlie Brown tree and about missing the tradition of having ornaments that mean something . I just couldn 't bring myself to go buy decorations for my tree , because it just wouldn 't be the same . A few days later I was at my friend 's house and she handed me a couple of bags . She explained to me that she had bought a Christmas starter kit for me . In the bags was a turkey baster , meat thermometer , and tree decorations . There were even lights and a star for the top of the tree . She told me that way there would be a memory attached to my decorations as I started a tree of my own . It was one of the sweetest things that anybody has ever done Posted by I went to see the doctor today . I didn 't bother trying to get in to see my PCP . He never has same day appointments . I went to the Urgent Care Clinic instead . That was interesting . The good thing about Urgent Care is that it 's faster than ER . For that reason alone I prefer to go there unless I think that an ER is absolutely needed . I reserve ER visits for if I think that an admit to the hospital is likely , or for sudden injuries like a broken bone type of thing . If all that I think will be needed is a prescription then it 's Urgent Care if I can 't get in to see the PCP . The bad thing about Urgent Care is that the only way somebody can accompany the patient to the exam area is if the patient is a minor . This isn 't a problem when I 'm the patient , since I don 't need help . But when Donny 's the patient it 's a whole different story . I can 't rely on him to understand what the doctor says , or to correctly relay the information . It 's rather frustrating to me . But for today , Urgent Care was a godsend . I needed a doctor to tell me that I have a cold and there 's nothing that can be done so that my family would quit worrying . I really thought that 's what would happen . According to whoever that doctor was , I have bronchitis . I 'm not convinced , but that 's what the doctor says . Usually , when I have bronchitis , I feel way worse . And I 've barely even had a fever , and even that 's been off and on , emphasis on off . And besides , can a cold really turn into bronchitis ? I think that the doctor just didn 't want to tell me that there was nothing that could be done and to quit my bellyaching . However , he was nice enough to give me cough syrup with codeine , so I love him . My aftercare instructions made for an interesting read . They included instructions that I was to see my doctor if I have any dizziness . I didn 't think to tell the doctor that I 've been having dizziness , I really didn 't think it was important . I hope that I was right , since I didn 't go back and tell him . But I think that the dizziness might have predated the bronchitis , in which cPosted by Okay , it finally happened . My hectic schedule finally kicked my ass . I have been down all day with either a hell of a cold or a mild flu bug . Either way , it 's not been fun . The up side though is that I 've had a day at home where nobody expected a damn thing from me . I really should have used today to get some homework done , but I just couldn 't stay awake long enough . Maybe if I hadn 't taken a benadryl it would have been easier . However , I did rule out allergies as the culprit . I just hope that a good night 's rest will cure me . Tomorrow mom has a doctor 's appointment at 9 : 30 in a town about an hour to the east , and slightly south of us . After her appointment I have to take her and my great - aunt to a town about a half hour north of where mom 's appointment is . I 'm to drop them off with a friend of my mom 's so that they can continue on to a town about an hour north of there . ( They have to drop my great - aunt off so she can make sure that her son turns himself in on Thursday . ) In the same town where I 'm dropping folks off I need to attend another make - up class , because I missed school last Saturday due to being up all night with Donny at ER . I 'm getting worried because one of the finals for this class is in a couple of weeks , and class is kicking my ass . I 'm normally good at school type stuff , but I 'm having a really hard time keeping up . I have got to get better study habits . I was rereading my old posts and realized that I didn 't really describe the last ER visit . It was actually really interesting . First of all , we got the same nurse that we 'd had a couple of weeks ago , and she 's wonderful . Once I got Donny in front of a doctor he stopped acting sick . He would wake up just fine for them . He 'd carry on a normal conversation with them . It 's like he was out to make me a liar . My only saving grace was that this nurse remembered him , and she told the doctor that the sleeping wasn 't normal for him . It was really nice to have somebody there who knew that I was right in what I was saying . This nurse also let me know that I wasn ' Posted by I 've been tagged . No , it 's not a toe tag , it 's just a game . So , here are the rules . 1 ) . Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog . 2 ) . Share 7 random and / or weird facts about yourself . 3 ) . Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs . 4 ) . Let each person know that they 've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog . Okay , let 's see if I can think of 7 things that I 'm willing to share . 1 . ) One time , when I was around 7 years old , my sister and I convinced a bunch of kids that we lived in an igloo , had a pet killer whale and rode a polar bear to school . ( None of that was true by the way . ) We were living in Alaska at the time and we were visiting my grandparents in California . We were sick of all the misconceptions that people had about our lives , so we played along with the kids next door , just to see how dumb they really were . 2 . ) I love spaghetti , but don 't care much for lasagna . Most people seem to assume that if you like one you 'll like the other , but they really are 2 different things people . 3 . ) I used to be a minister . 4 . ) The guy that I had my first date ever with turned out to be gay . He came out of the closet on Classmates . com . 5 . ) I went to my prom alone , after my date bailed on me a few days before the prom . While I was there I ended up inheriting my friend 's date , since they had a huge fight . It turned out that he was gay . There seems to be a pattern developing here . 6 . ) I didn 't get my driver 's license until I was 20 years old . I started trying to get it when I was 16 , but I couldn 't pass the driving test . It was until I spent a summer in Wyoming that I finally passed a driving test . If you 're having problems getting your license I highly recommend going there . the test took less than 20 minutes and it included making 3 right turns , turning around in a driveway and making 3 left turns . 7 . ) I lived in Arkansas for a year and fell in love with it . I know that this likely means that I 'm a redneck , but it 's a gorgeous state . And they have 4 distinct seasons , Posted by The last few days have been crazy . I spent Wednesday in town getting my stuff done . I had a physical therapy appointment and then in the afternoon I had to go to a make up class . ( Not learning how to do cosmetics , I was making up for missing a class to take Donny to ER . ) That evening I was supposed to go to work , but when the boss brought his kids by trick or treating he let me know that he still wasn 't ready for me to come in . I ended up passing out candy . Which made trying to eat dinner an interesting ordeal . Thursday morning I took my grandma to her doctor 's appointment . This was with the doctor that I don 't like . He was so bad that I made my mom switch doctors . ( Which has worked out very well for her . ) Dr . Late has been doing better lately , but I still don 't like him . My grandma had a 10 : 50 appointment . I figured that left plenty of time for me to leave town at 12 : 15 to go to my physical therapy appointment . Boy was I wrong . At 11 : 16 my grandma was called back to have her vitals done and be put in a room . At 11 : 55 I went out and found somebody who works there to point out that we were still waiting and I needed to leave town in 15 minutes . At 12 : 10 the doctor came in to see my grandma . I know that doctors are busy people , and that their time is valuable . I 'm busy and my time is valuable too . And you just put me behind schedule for other appointments . It really pissed me off . After my physical therapy appointment my mom and I went to a big city that 's about an hour away from us to go pick up my cousin . He had my aunt worried because he told her that he had nowhere to stay until he turns himself in on the 8th . ( Yep , he 's spending the holidays in jail , and he can 't wait to get there . ) He told his mom that he was sleeping under a bridge . On Saturday my parent 's had gone up to get him , but he had decided to stay there . And he pulled the same damn stunt again . After having us run from one side of town to the other and back again several times , he decided to stay with a friend there . So we let him know that we wouldn ' tPosted by I just realized that it 's been a week since I last posted . I really wish that was because I had nothing going on . My therapist is back , so occupational therapy restarted for me . It turns out that he was in the hospital . I 've teased him mercilessly about running away for a vacation . On Tuesday I took Donny to see the oral surgeon . He absolutely refuses to put Donny under general anesthesia . I can 't say that I blame him . So instead he 's going to give Donny a pill to relax him and then pull all his teeth . But of course that can 't happen until he talks to the doctor and finds out for sure what kind of infection Donny has in his legs . I think that the blood cultures should be done now , so that shouldn 't be a problem . On Thursday I took Donny in for a follow up with our doctor about his legs . We 've been there so many times lately that I 'm beginning to wonder if the doctor hates to see us coming . That afternoon he had an appointment with a doctor for Social Security . Donny thought that he 'd be seeing a regular doctor , but that 's not what happened . He saw a psychologist for some mental testing that they wanted done . That appointment was actually rather interesting . It started with an interview . The doctor would ask Donny a question and then we 'd sit there while he 'd try to figure it out . Then the doctor would turn to me and let me know that now it was okay for me to answer . There were very few questions that Donny could answer . Even when the doctor was asking about Donny 's sibling 's mental health history I knew more than Donny did . I was shocked to realize how little Donny remembers now . I was able to sit there and watch the doctor administer the tests . It was really interesting to see what Donny could do and how much was beyond his grasp . There was even one point where the doctor and I started discussing how interesting it was to see how Donny 's mind processes information . And then yesterday I had a day without Donny . I went to therapy in the morning . In the afternoon my mom and I went out to her friend 's house to pick yams . TPosted by The fun began again . Yesterday I was sitting in class when my cell phone rings . It was Donny letting me know that he was going to the hospital . His legs were swollen and had ared area on the front of them when I left the house that morning . He said that they were even bigger and the redness was spreading . I got off the phone with him and made arrangements to go to the ER to meet him . On the way to ER the friend that I was with called my mom . She apparently was unaware of the fact that her and my dad were taking Donny to the hospital . When I finally got it straightened out it was a case of miscommunication , but it was frustrating getting things resolved . I ended up waiting at the ER for an hour before Donny arrived . ( This was to be expected since we live about 45 minutes away , but my class is just a couple miles away . ) When he got there I signed him in and the waiting began . I hate going to ER unless it 's bad enough to think the person might need to be admitted . However , on a Saturday our choices are limited . Donny had been signed in for probably an hour and a half when he got one of the hall beds . This was much faster than I had dared hope for , so I was pleasantly surprised . The only real problem that I have with a hall bed is that there 's no curtain to pull around Donny so that he can 't see what 's going on . When he saw a lot of people being discharged around him he started complaining about being ignored . He stopped everybody in scrubs that he could get to stop to try and get what he wanted , whether it was a blanket , something to eat , or pain meds . And we were by the door to the break room , so I had to hear an endless complaint about how the nurses weren 't doing anything but drinking coffee . I hate hall beds now . Finally one of the nurses that Donny stopped said that he 'd go check the board to see where we were at in waiting for the doctor , since it 'd been a while and still no doctor . He came back and let us know that he 'd try to find somebody to see us since we 'd been waiting longer than anybody else and , even thouPosted by I 've been trying to think of a really great post , but I can 't get past my gratefulness for percocet . On Wednesday Donny woke me up WAY too early wanting pain killers . I pointed out that it was 6 hours until his next dose and begged to go back to sleep . He let me , for a while . Wednesday was a bad day , but Thursday was worse . When Donny 's hurting he spreads the misery around liberally . Apparently I have no clue about anything because I refuse to give him more medicine than what 's prescribed . Never mind the fact that it was his habit of taking too many that made the doctor ask me to take over his medicine in the first place . So , after 2 straight days of being yelled at for not giving him extra pain killers , I cracked . On Thursday night I gave him 3 benadryls and put him to bed . It was the first night of decent rest that I 'd gotten in a while . I 'm considering stocking up on the stuff . I actually shouldn 't need more benadryl . We went back to the doctor today and asked for more painkillers . At one point I was muttering under my breath about how short Donny 's life would be if he didn 't get any more pain medicine . I think that the doctor heard me though . It was decided that since Donny 's liver is already completely shot that we really don 't need to worry as much about Tylenol . So Donny got a prescription for percocet . When I took the prescription to the pharmacy the lady gave me a funny look and headed to the back where the pharmacist is . She had just looked in the computer and so I 'm sure she saw that we picked up morphine on Monday for this same person . I was absolutely positive that she was going to come out and accuse me of drug seeking and refuse to give Donny his medicine . Apparently the pharmacist didn 't have a problem since they filled the order without any more strange behavior . Or maybe I 'm just paranoid because I read too many blogs about people who are just looking to get high . Today was a day of little pleasures . I woke up next to my husband , who actually got a good night 's rest . I had a slow , lazy morning . We went on a picnic at the city park . We sat there and watched the kids playing . Then this evening we went to my friend 's house and visited with her for a little while . My two year old nephew , Dennis the Menace , even gave me kisses goodbye . He always does my heart good . I baked bread with my mom this evening . After it cooled the whole family had some , and we sat around talking and enjoying each other 's company . All in all , a really good day . This blog is the one place where I don 't censor myself . If you know me in real life you may not want to read this , since it may be you that I 'm talking about . If you choose to ignore the warning and your feelings get hurt , I don 't want to hear about it . |
We stopped to chat with the woman . Ray caught a whiff of one of the boys and was straining at his leash to give him a kiss too . I was straining just as hard to not let him . Ray has introduced me to so many people in the last three years . I have so many friends because of him . Some of them I don 't even know . I was cutting bits of roast beast off of a chunk of meat from one of the two rib bones of our leftover Christmas dinner to give to Moonie . Ray was standing in the middle of the kitchen , waiting to see if he was going to get anything . I hadn 't planned on giving him the rib bone , but it looked too good to waste . I turned and held the bone under his nose . Ray gingerly took it in his teeth . There was a little pool of dog drool right where Ray had been standing . The pool turned into a string of saliva that stretched from the kitchen into the living room . I followed it from there into the front hall where Ray was standing over his bone , a few flecks of meat dotting the carpet around his feet . I couldn 't turn the poor dog out into the cold so I went to get one of the spare dog throws . I picked up his bone , flung the old tablecloth on top of the carpet , and dropped the bone back where it had been . I turned to look . Ray was standing stock - still just outside the gate , a large bath towel draped over his head . It hung to the floor on either side of him . It was yesterday , two days before Christmas , and I was cleaning the house after returning from being away for five and a half days . There was a knock at the door . Ray 's girlfriend , Cindy , was dropping off a present and a card for us . Ray stuck his head into the bag from which Cindy had withdrawn the gift , looking to see if she had maybe forgotten his . She hadn 't . There wasn 't anything . I dragged the dog out of the bag . " How ' bout tonight ? " I said . " Why don 't you and Bill come for cocktails ? I 'm cleaning the house . I hate to waste a perfectly good , clean house . I 'll see if anyone else is available . " Cindy agreed and left . I called around and rounded up our usual suspects for an impromptu cocktail party . Maddie , the Cocker Spaniel 's parents ( Dick and Sandra ) and Halle , the Greyhound 's grandparents ( Deborah and Steven ) . Dick and Sandra were bringing their son and his wife as well ; a good group for such short notice . By the time 5 : 30 rolled around , Ray was asleep in his spot on the couch . Although I had cleaned the rooms and removed all the dog throws , I had left his spot untouched , hoping that he would stay comfily ensconced on his bed of pillows . It was a nice thought . At the first knock on the door , Ray was up to greet his first guests . I was stowing gifts and coats and Gregg was taking drink orders when the second couple arrived . I went to answer the door and saw a distracted Ray in the front hall with his head down , picking at something . It was the mozzarella , basil , prosciutto roll . They were on sale at the supermarket and Gregg just couldn 't resist . He 'd had it on the counter until the first guests arrived , then quickly plopped it on the coffee table just as the front door opened . Ray was trying to pick off the mozzarella to get at the good stuff . It was 2 : 00 a . m . when something woke me . Before I went to bed I 'd pushed together the twin beds in the guest room in an effort to give myself more sleeping space . I 'd had to try something or it would end up like every other trip to my folks ' house , no sleep because of the bed hog . The something that woke me was a grunting dog . I felt him moving oddly and a then heard a groan . Another stunted , weird movement , and then a grunt and a groan . And then again . I stifled a laugh and went to pull the poor dog from his predicament . I managed to wrestle his weight from the gap and shift Ray onto the bed that was against the wall . Then I pushed the mattresses together again , leaving five inches of box spring exposed on the outside bed . I quickly hopped back into my bed before the hog dog could steal my spot . As soon as I lay down , Ray curled up against me , spanning the two mattresses . I felt confident that we could both finish our night 's sleep without any further need for middle - of - the - night rescues . It was 2 : 00 . I hooked Ray to his leash , yelled " I 'll be back " to my folks , and ran out the door . Ray and I jogged the half - mile or so to my brother 's house then backtracked the half block to school with John and Yuko . A small group of parents were waiting at the back exit for their kids , the ones that walk home . On the other side of the school was a traffic jam of cars waiting to pick up the bulk of the students . The bell rang . A smallish group of students poured out of the door . At the sound of the kids , Ray , who had been flopped out on the ground , resting after the exertion of the short jog , stood and pointed his nose in their direction . A wave of girls ebbed and flowed around him , stopping briefly in their surge to coo over and pet him as they went by . Hannah , seeing her favorite dog being fussed over by others , looked a bit crestfallen at her lack of welcome and went to greet her mother . The wave of girls crested and moved on . We turned to walk home . Ray who had stood still for all the little girls , instantly came alive . He gave her had a quick lick , hopped up to try to do the same to her face , did a little spin , and then jumped up to try to eat her hair ( Ray loves Hannah 's hair . ) Hannah , smiling now , turned and ducked , and walked happily home next to her favorite dog . Posted by There was a pause . " I 'm sorry but the best I can do is the second floor , " she replied without having any actual sorrow in her voice . " Fine , " I agreed knowing I didn 't have any choice in the matter . Ray and I were getting a late start . We were headed to South Carolina to visit the parents and Ray 's favorite cousin , Hannah , and as on our most recent previous trips , were splitting the drive into two days . The only difference was , this time we were flying solo , without the help of my sister , Kathy . I had already figured out how I was going to manage dinner and breakfast without a second person to babysit the dog , I wasn 't quite prepared for the added complication of a second floor . We arrived at the hotel just as it was getting dark and starting to rain . I checked in , ran up to the room and looked out the window to see where I should park to keep the car in view ( the bed of the truck was loaded with stuff that was covered with a tarp . I figured I would check on it periodically to make sure it wasn 't being messed with ) . This seemed a good idea at the time , but in retrospect maybe exhaustion from a 3 a . m . doggy pee - call , a hectic morning packing , and a 4 hour drive , was keeping me from thinking particularly clearly . The spot was as far from an entrance as I could possibly park . I unloaded my suitcase and two other bags , one containing Ray 's food , the other containing Christmas presents ( if things were going to get stolen , at least I would still have presents ) , hooked Ray to his retractable leash and headed for the entrance I had chosen . Another bad idea I realized as soon as I got there . With my hands full of bags and dog , I couldn 't hold the door open . This obviously had presented problems for people in the past . A large oblong rock the size of a football was nearby . I rolled it with my foot to prop open the door , let Ray in first , and then dragged in my bags . This led us to the bottom of the stairwell , two flights of 10 stairs each . I had briefly toyed with the idea of trying out the elevator but decided I 'd stick wiRay stood . With trembling legs , he crawled up the first stair . " Step up , " I said again and again as Ray , a quivering but brave mass , went up the nine remaining stairs . As soon as he made it to the landing , Ray once again sat back on his haunches . I moved my luggage to the top of the second flight and turned back to lead him up the remaining steps . It took awhile but Ray 's trembling legs finally took him where I wanted him . I deposited our belongings in the room to the sound of Ray 's whining . He wasn 't happy about the room and wanted to complain to the management . I clipped the leash to him again and headed back to the stairs . " Step DOWN , Ray . Step DOWN , " I said to the hound . Once again the haunches were brought into play and the quivering mass returned . Eventually , however , we made it to the bottom , and outside to the dog walk area . After a few more trips up and down the stairs and around the hotel , Ray was ready to try a different means of egress . He led me to the elevator and was sniffing around . " You want to try it ? " I said to my amazing blind dog , pushing the down button . The door slid open . Ray cringed back a bit . I walked on as if nothing untoward had happened . " C ' mon , Ray , " I said giving the leash the lightest of tugs . Ray walked onto the elevator . The doors closed and it started to move . Ray hit the floor . We went down one floor and the doors opened . Ray didn 't budge . After a bit of tugging on the leash and additional verbal encouragement , Ray was still in the same place . I moved behind him and nudged him with my legs . Ray gingerly crawled forward . We exited the elevator , Ray headed to the lobby and out the front door for another trip around the hotel , then back to the elevator . We went up . Ray 's reaction did not improve . On the third try , Ray had had enough . No amount of encouragement was going to get him onto that elevator . He headed for the stairs and took them as if he went up and down two flights of stairs in strange hotels every day of his life . Posted by The 4 : 30 arrooooo alarm went off . Thinking that I 'd missed the scratching at the door and the whining part of " I have to go out , " I threw back the covers and leapt out of bed . I went to the door and unhooked the hook - and - eye expecting to see the dog heading down the stairs . I looked for my Tervis but didn 't see it , although I still heard the water glugging out . I had bought the lidded cups when Gregg was convalescing to keep Moonie - head out of his water . She likes a nice drink of fresh water and will stick her head in any open glass to get a drink . Unfortunately , Moonie isn 't smart enough to withdraw her head from a glass after a drink and will just drag the open container over once she is done . A blessing in disguise . Although water spills everywhere , at least most of the time she keeps us from unsuspectingly drinking cat - head contaminated water . As long as the drinking port is closed , the Tervis is spill - proof and cat - proof . The drinking port on my Tervis was obviously open . I moved the bedside table and found the Tervis behind it with only an inch of water left in the bottom . I retrieved a soaking box of Kleenex from the floor next to it and removed the wet magazines from the top of table ( how did water get ON the table when the cup was on the floor behind it ? ? ? ? ) . I went to get towels . A Shakespearian Moment It was close to five ( in the morning ) and I had to pee . This , the first decision of the day , sounds like such a minor thing . To pee or not to pee ; that is the question . But the ramifications of getting out of bed to pee are significant enough that I lay in bed wondering if I could wait another hour . I did my business , gently eased back into bed , and pulled the wool comforter over me . Just as I started to relax into the bed 's warmth , I heard a dog collar . Then a scratch at the door . And then a barely audible whine . I waited to see if Ray just wanted entry to the room so that he could crawl into bed with us or if he needed to go out . Lately , since I 've been ignoring his whining , he 's been going downstairs and howling to get me up . I heard the dog collar jingle down the stairs and then an arrrroooooo . I heard the back door open and then the door to the microwave . Gregg had let the dog in and was preparing the old woman 's breakfast of canned food and pancreatic enzyme . ( He microwaves the food for six seconds , just enough to take the chill off . ) Moonie continued her maniacal howling as Gregg carried the food up to her bedroom . All of a sudden , Ray appeared on the bed . Hugo stopped purring and waited , ready to bolt if need be . Ray turned about a dozen circles , then settled himself on the side opposite the cat , at least half of his seventy pound weight resting uncomfortably on my body . He heaved a heavy sigh , groaned , then sighed again . Hugo resumed purring . For some reason , sleep eluded me . I unfolded my chicken wing , removed iron - head from my belly , and left the sleeping hound in possession of the bed . Followed by my trusty cat , I headed downstairs to breakfast . A new Christmas Classic . One you will want to watch over and over again . Ray and Tucker singing a spontaneous duet . I was lucky enough to have the camera in front of me on the table . Ray and I were shopping for cat food at the local big - box pet store . One of the clerks , a girl who always makes a point of coming to pet Ray because she has a Bluetick Coonhound , was stocking the shelves . She stopped what she was doing when she saw Ray . Her eyes got a little misty . " Oh , no , " I said with dread in my voice , not wanting to hear the rest . " Was he sick ? Did you have to . . . " my voice trailed off . " Ten . " she replied . " He 'd never done anything like that before . But he was peeing and pooping everywhere so my husband and I gave him to a shelter hoping that they could find him a home where he could stay outside all the time . " " That 's horrible . " I said , trying very hard not to sound judgmental . " It sounds like there was something wrong with him . Did you take him to the vet to find out ? " I was edging away from her , not wanting to be contaminated by her nearness . " Well , we had taken him to the vet before it started to happen and he was fine , " she replied following me . Again she said , " He was getting destructive . He was peeing and pooping all over . " I was still moving away from her . I knew she was looking for me to say " You did the right thing , " but all I could say was " That 's horrible . You should have had him checked out . I don 't know how you could give away a dog that you 'd had for 10 years . " I was still trying to keep the judgement out of my voice but wasn 't sure I was succeeding . " That 's horrible , " I said again . I moved farther away from her . I felt like crying . She had finally stopped trying to follow me and was watching me mutely as I distanced myself from her . Just then Ray let loose with an enormous deep - from - the - belly yell . In my preoccupation , I had let him get too near the cage with two cats up for adoption . He had ' treed ' them . People came running from all over the store , drawn by the horrific noise , thinking that a dog was in distress . In a way they were right . It wasn 't my dog , though , but an incontinent , 10 - year old Bluetick Coonhound that had been abandoned by his family . Although the hound started off innocuously enough by sleeping curled in a little ball on his dad 's side of the bed , every night brought him farther pillow - ward and curled in less of a ball . After watching the dog get closer and closer to his coveted spot , Hugo the Cat decamped in a huff . Ray spent one night curled in a ball between the pillows at the head of the bed . In not - unrelated news , the next day , he was given a bath . On the night of the banishment , the hook - and - eye was deployed and the errant hound was locked out . He spent a considerable amount of time scratching at the door and whining to reclaim his lost privilege . Despite the pathetic - ness of the noise , his parents remained unyielding , knowing full well the inadvisability of letting the dog back to the scene of the crime . Every night thereafter has brought further whining and scratching , but less each night . When we first got Ray , when he was only a year old and full of beans , Ray was kept in the kitchen at night . Gregg would let him out before going to bed and when Ray would come back in , he would plop down on his bed , curl into his tight little ball , and fall instantly asleep . I felt bad about keeping him away from the rest of the family , but Ray didn 't mind . He didn 't know any of us or feel any burning desire to sleep with us . Then we had the kitchen renovation ( or the large , undisclosed amount of money dog door project , as I like to call it ) . We had to move Ray 's bed somewhere , so we put him in front of the fireplace . Ray adapted to his new spot pretty quickly , especially because there was no ' kitchen , ' to return to , just a gaping hole where a cozy room used to be . And as before , Ray would come in , find his bed , curl into his usual tiny mass , and fall asleep . When the renovation was finished , we left Ray 's bed in front of the fireplace . It was easier to not have to move it every night , and he had completely adapted to his new spot . So Ray 's bed remained where it was . Then Gregg got cancer , and I became the dog taker - outer at night . Ray would come back inside , and for while , would go back to his bed in front of the fireplace . At some point during the harrowing months of Gregg 's treatment , Ray started following me up the stairs to bed . He and I made a pact that he could sleep upstairs , but it would have to be on the futon outside the bedroom . To make sure that Ray abided by this agreement , I engaged the hook - and - eye on the bedroom door , a tactic that Hugo was highly in favor of . But at some point in the past few months , I 'd stopped using the hook - and - eye on the bedroom door . It seemed kind of pointless since Ray was obviously abiding by the long - ago agreed - upon futon - pact . However , at the beginning of this week , after returning from a 4 : 00 a . m . perambulation around the backyard ( it 's a howling mistake to let him out by himself - he needs to be taken out on a leash ) , Ray launched himself onto the bed and curled up against Gregg while I was in the bathroom changing back into my jammies . Since it is impossible for me to move a dog of his size off of the bed without a huge struggle and a lot of grunting ( thus waking my sleeping beauty of a husband ) , I let sleeping dogs lie . It turns out that this has been a rather bad error of judgement on my part . For the last three mornings , right around 4 : 00 a . m . , Ray has snuck into the bedroom and launched himself up to sleep with Gregg . For a large dog , he is amazingly stealthy and light on his feet . He can land all four feet on the bed simultaneously without any cumbersome clambering . One second he is on the floor , the next he is on the bed . It 's like a magic trick . " I woke up this morning being spooned by a dog , " said my lovely husband yesterday morning . He was surprisingly calm about the whole thing . Thinking that maybe this was a hint , last night when I went to bed , I re - engaged the hook - and - eye . This morning , at 4 : 00 a . m . , Ray came to the bedroom door and found he couldn 't get in . He scratched . I ignored . He scratched again . I ignored . He whined . I ignored . Gregg got up , unhooked the hook and let Ray in . Apparently , he has no objection to being spooned by a dog . Hugo , however , is appalled . Posted by It was a cold , dreary , mizzly day . I 'd left Ray curled up on the couch watching Wuthering Heights while I worked in the garage with power tools making his cousin , Hannah , a Christmas present . I had no idea what time it was but I knew the time for Ray 's afternoon walk ( 3 : 00 ) must be approaching . There was a knock at the garage door ; the one that goes into the laundry room . I opened the door to the dog . His head was down around his knees in typical Ray mode . He set a plate of leftover turkey on the counter , and as if by magic , Hugo materialized at his feet . A minute later the creaky old woman arrived , yowling . Ray who was sleeping on his favorite pillow on his favorite couch , lifted his head , sniffed the air , put his front feet on the floor , stretched , then ambled our way . As Ray arrived , Hugo retreated , but only to the foot of the stairs . As the turkey was added to the container with the leftover stuffing and then topped with gravy , he returned to pace nervously at the kitchen door not wanting to miss out on his share of what was to come . Gregg put our lunch in the microwave , shredded some of the leftover bird put it in the cat dishes and dropped some in the dog bowl . I had some feedback from one of Ray 's fans , that a lot of times she doesn 't add " comments " in the comment box because of those stupid words that you have to type in to prove that you are a person and not a robot . So this morning I took some time and looked at the blog format to see if there was some way to make life easier for all of Ray 's fans . I have added an option at the bottom of each blog to give one - word feedback . If you are pressed for time or really have nothing to say , all you have to do is check the box next to the word that best reflects your reaction . Apparently , there is no limit to the number of words I can put in the reaction section . So if you want to see your own reaction word in that list , put it in the comments box so that I can add it . For now you will have to settle for " like , funny , huh , and love this . " ( Notice that I didn 't add any negative comments . My mom always said " If you don 't have anything nice to say then don 't say anything . " I don 't follow her advice but I expect Ray 's fans are better people than I . ) I would like to add that I would very much miss your comments so please don 't stop commenting now that I 've made it easier for you to do just that . Ray and I like to know what you think and we like to hear about your animals too . Thanks again for following Ray the Blind Dog . Yesterday we returned to the scene of Ray 's experience with cliff - walking . This time , I kept more of a close eye on the blind hound as we meandered the trail . The last few months have brought major storms to the area which appear to have caused more soil erosion . The cliffs seemed a bit closer to the trails . We were walking just that much closer to the edge . Slightly worrisome for the sighted , not so much for the blind . But that is beside the point . What I really wanted to bring up is a disturbing new quirk in Ray . Over the past few months I have noticed that Ray has developed an active dislike of the bully breeds : Pit bulls , Boxers , English Bulldogs , French Bulldogs , Bull Terriers , Ridgebacks . If it 's got some bully , Ray doesn 't like it . I can 't say for sure , but I think it kinda started with his run - in with Lefty . Then there was the emphysemic - sounding English Bulldog that was staying next - door to my parents last time we were visiting . I could tell that she was hurling some really vile insults at Ray while we were there and no amount of his singing was going to win her over . Then there was the Boxer / Ridgeback mix that Ray has met a couple of time while walking around the lake . Although she 's a sweet dog , she has inadvertently socked him in the eye a couple of times . Now , when Ray meets a bully , he growls . And if I 'm not alert , he 'll start a fight . It 's happened enough over the past few months that I can no longer pretend that it 's an anomaly . Dogs that have done nothing to him are being singled out because of their breed . So yesterday , while we were walking the cliffs , an off - leash , white Boxer came running up behind us . We didn 't see him until he was amongst us . His body posture was all dominance , very upright , with stiff legs . His owners were nowhere to be seen . He scared the bejeezus out of me . Ray turned to meet him , gave one sniff , and let loose with his deep - from - the - belly yell . And he kept on yelling long after the dog had tucked his nub of a tail , turned , and ran . So here 's the usual question : How does he know what kind of dog it is ? I 've pretty much accepted that Ray can smell color but can he also smell breed ? It was four o ' clock and I was on my knees dusting the coffee table . The afternoon sun had glanced through the windows and lit up the dust on every horizontal surface within view . The room was positively glowing with shiny dust particles and I couldn 't ignore it any longer . Ray was standing behind me , whining . The clocks had been turned back the weekend before and he still wasn 't used to daylight savings time . He only knew that he always ate at the same time every day , and it was way beyond that . It was a beautiful fall day ; sunny , brisk , and breezy . I was in the backyard raking leaves into piles to be ground into leaf mulch later in the week . At least , that was the plan . Half way into my first gigantic pile , I realized that the mountain of leaves was right smack in the middle of Ray 's path to the back fence . I looked around for a more suitable location and moved the mountain . I pondered how the smallest thing can become an obstacle to a disabled being . Ray was snoozing in the sun on a bed of leaves . He had been playing with Tucker , his Australian Cattle Dog friend , and was exhausted . Tucker wasn 't . He ran up and dropped a toy at my feet . The stuffed squirrel had been attached spread - eagle to a ring of rope , marking an X in the middle of the loop . As I had been tossing it , and as Tucker had been retrieving and shaking the living daylights out of it , the flying squirrel had migrated so that all four of its feet were left gamely clinging to the same spot . Now its flight path was irregular and unpredictable . I didn 't know how far or high it was going to go . Even the direction was questionable . Tucker nudged the squirrel at me . I bent to pick it up , and at that movement , Tucker shot through the nearest pile of leaves , running in the direction of the anticipated toss . I threw the squirrel . It was low and fast , but so was the dog . The squirrel skimmed the ground , hit something , and flipped up . Tucker was right there on it , his head piercing the loop like a trick dog at a circus . The squirrel settled around his neck , dangling from the rope like a filthy , furry pendant . Without missing a beat , Tucker turned and raced back to me , the squirrel bouncing on his chest . I laughed at the grinning dog . I had won the ring toss without even trying . I wondered what my prize was . Because I 've never had a dog before , I can 't be sure if the following things are typical of dogs or not . But I 've talked to a lot of people with dogs and have come to believe that some of Ray 's characteristics are somewhat different than most dogs . So I 've laid out the things that I 've come to think of as slightly odd in a dog ( based on information gleaned from speaking to other owners ) and would be interested in feedback . Odd ? Or not ? My dog has a delicate stomach . And he seems to enjoy baths , although he likes to be bathed in the sink at the daycare not out in the driveway ( it 's a modesty thing ) . He doesn 't like fruit or vegetables of any kind . He will not eat most dog treats , only the really expensive ones or , on occasion , something offered by a stranger , although I can tell by the look on his face that he is just eating it to be polite . He will stand still to be dressed in any silly thing that I make for him . He enjoys yarn and , like a cat , wants to be right in the middle of any project on which I 'm working . He likes a cup of coffee in the morning if he can steal one . He rarely ( almost never ) is excited to see his owners but is over the moon to meet anyone else . He likes to lie in the sun on a sweltering day . He loves to roll in a dryer sheet . He howls for football games ( Home games on a Friday night , when the home team is winning , are quite noisy around here ) . He is not afraid to go to the vet . And , he has learned , after THREE years , to love a cat . Last month , acd6pack started a blog about her seven Australian Cattle Dogs . Of the seven , three are blind , one is deaf , all are rescues from bad situations . Acd has great photos and lots of short videos on youtube . Ray and I are big fans . I admit that I had a few concerns about getting Ray to go do his ' business ' while Hurricane Sandy was in town . But despite getting the " Aren 't you coming ? " look from him every single time he needed to go outside and refusing , in fact , to go outside unless he was accompanied , Ray was a good dog . He weathered the storm in fine style , only needing to be dragged out into the sideways rain for a very brief , but enlightening , walk after much whining to let me know that , in fact , he goes out every day for a walk at exactly the same time . Good dog that he is , Ray made an exception for Hurricane Sandy . He decided that perhaps , as an alternative , he could take his exercise in the form of multiple trips around the coffee table holding a bone in his mouth ( cardio and weightlifting ) and thought that perhaps we needed the exercise too and should , in fact , chase him . So , for the duration of Sandy , we all took our exercise as laps around the coffee table . Ray was also a good dog for Halloween . This year , he was quite insistent that he should get to pick out his own costume . After three years of being dressed in humiliating outfits , ( Sheerluck Hound , Stanley Kowalski , and a sheep ( here 's one more photo of that one ) , Ray wanted to go as one of his own kind . He described to me his requirements , and although I had my doubts about the thoroughness of his knowledge of the subject , I procured for him the necessary accoutrements . Satisfied , Ray did his trick - or - treating at the usual households ( Halle 's grandma , pictured below , and Maddy 's folks ) and we returned home in time to finish up our last minute preparations for the evening . After suitably appreciating the skulliferous display , we retreated to the house for our repast before the advent of ghosts , goblins , pirates , and hookers . Upon entering the house , I looked around for the hound wondering if , perhaps , he had managed to sneak out through the open front door without our noticing . I enquired if Gregg had , in fact , seen the dog leave the house . Gregg , in fact , had not , but opined that maybe Ray had gone into the backyard . You look like you 've been over - rescued . How ' bout you ? Do you need rescuing ? I think I 'm too late for these guys . It was early . We were headed around the ' long block , ' the one we rarely walk anymore because it 's just not long enough to tire out the blind hound . But Hurricane Sandy was on his / her way and Gregg and I had hatches to batten so Ray was going to have take one for the team . While Gregg was out buying food and gassing up his car , Ray and I were out getting truncated exercise . The girls turned from their victim and came towards us down the walkway . Ray ' looked ' their way , his ears alertly deployed in Dumbo mode , his head tilted inquisitively . The girls paused en masse . They all looked startlingly similar ; the same height and shape , with long brown hair and vaguely pleasant features , but without being obviously related in any way . They looked at Ray , who was blocking their access to the sidewalk , uncertain as to what to do . Later that afternoon , Gregg and I were finishing up a late lunch and getting ready to climb the roof to our next hatch - battening chore - clearing the gutters . I glanced out the front window to see the three teenage girls coming up the walkway to my door . The teenage - girl - father was waiting on the sidewalk . Ray trotted to the door to greet the fund - raisers . They looked nervously at the dog as I opened the door and handed them my donation . I watched cautiously , ready to make a quick grab , as Ray walked slowly out the door and past the girls , making no move in their direction . He stepped off the porch , flopped on the walkway , and turned to ' look ' coyly over one shoulder at the now - giggling group . Ray tentatively lifted his front leg to expose his belly , obviously not expecting much , knowing he was playing to a tough crowd . I saw jaws drop ; an identical look of astonishment was on the faces of the three girls . The giggling intensified . They 're baaaaaack Well , it 's been over three years and we have finally reached the milestone for which I 've been patiently waiting : the cats are back . Both of them . At the same time . On the couch . While the dog is in the same room . I 'm not going to go so far as to say everyone is comfortable in the same room , but at least they are there . Hugo has been coming out of Cat Siberia more and more . I think he had a bit of an epiphany on the day that he watched Ray lick Moonie 's ears clean and the old cat lived to tell about it . Hugo also has discovered the power of the hiss . Ray doesn 't exactly know what the hiss is or who it issues from ( he 's still never gotten close enough to get a good sniff of that thing ) but he has come to realize that it 's a warning from something that has claws and maybe , just maybe , he should pay attention . For months Moonie has been coming down from her retirement home and into the kitchen to yell at us for food five times a day . But only recently has Hugo returned as a kitchen - cat . For the longest time he would go no farther than the foot of the stairs . He would plop himself down on the carpet and pretend to lounge only to evaporate into thin air at the slightest sound . Now , Hugo plops and waits until the dog is uncomfortably close , then , and only then , will he hiss and bolt , or hiss and nervously walk into the next room , stretching his neck to keep an eye on the beast to make sure that he 's not being followed . And now they are both back . At the same time . On the couch . While the dog is in the same room . Maybe it only lasted for five minutes , but I see it as a very good start . And it only took three years . Here 's a video of 8 photos to commemorate the event . Hugo is the black blob in the background . Ray is sitting out of view , in Gregg 's chair , opposite us . It was an absolutely gorgeous fall morning and we had a few hours to kill before Ray 's date with destiny . His eye appointment was at noon and Gregg had taken the day off to support us in case Ray required surgery . Since Ray had slept all day Sunday because of excessive partying at the autumn Beer and Bonfire on Saturday , he was more than ready to go for a nice long walk . We needed to distract the dog to keep his mind off the fact that he wasn 't allowed any food or water until after his potential surgery . Ray was thrilled to be going somewhere new . Every time we stopped at a red light , he would uncurl himself from his usual travel position to hang his head out the window , sniff the air , and whine a bit . Then , when the car would start moving again , he would curl back up until the next red light . By the time we got to the battlefield , Ray was ready to GO ; he literally hit the ground running . I held tight to his leash , and while Gregg went off to see if he could procure a map , Ray and I ran to visit Stonewall Jackson . Then we ran to the first stop of the self - guided tour , and then ran to the second . By the time Gregg was out of the visitor 's center and had caught up to us , Ray and I were well along the tour . The park was virtually deserted . We were watching the clock , trying not to get distracted by the beauty of the day . At exactly 11 : 30 , we were back in the car and headed to the doctor 's office . We nodded our assent , too nervous to engage in idle conversation . We went back through the door and headed towards the adjacent neighborhood . We walked Ray up and down random streets , killing time , meeting no one but an ancient Indian man with a white beard and top - knot . He was wearing a traditional kurta pyjama and had a silver bracelet encircling one thin wrist . As he checked his mailbox , we wished him a good morning . He smiled at Ray , said hello , and asked if Ray was a good dog . We assented . The old man came to pet Ray who 's interest was taken by the old man 's Pomeranian yapping at Ray through the front door of his house . We told the old man that Ray was blind and that we were waiting for the eye doctor . The old man tsked , shook his head , and asked how Ray became blind . The old man was still tsking , stroking Ray , then bent down to try to hug him . Ray edged away a bit . The old man persisted . Ray , sensing the man 's pain , relented and tried to give him a kiss . Delighted the old man hugged him again . He wished on Ray some of God 's blessings and we continued back to the doctor 's office . " Yes , that 's in the comfortable range , " she said , " The meds are working . He can still have the surgery , but if it was my dog , I wouldn 't do it . Make an appointment for two months out and we 'll check him again . Because he has secondary glaucoma , he may never need the surgery . If it was primary glaucoma , he would have to have the surgery eventually , but this is different . We 'll just monitor him and see what happens . " Gregg and I thanked the doctor profusely . We led our dog out of the office , bundled him into the car , and headed home . The old man 's blessings had obviously worked . The blind dog had dodged a bullet and we were thrilled . My name is Ray the Blind Dog . I 'm a Redtick Coonhound that was born blind in July 2008 . I 'm named after my blind counterpart Ray Charles . I joined a family of 2 cats and 2 humans in June of 2009 . I want to show everyone how well I get along in this world and let my friends know how I 'm doing . Please feel free to add remarks or share your experiences in the comment box . We all want to know what you think . |
This is my sweet brother in law known to most as L . E . but to us as Brownie . Today he retired after nearly 48 years . I would have loved to have been there for the celebration at AEDC and later at home . All three of their children and all of their grandchildren were there to wish him well . I could not find a larger picture . I snitched this from Facebook . He is a wonderful person and has taken wonderful care of my sister as her health has deteriorated . I will be seeing them in May . Can 't wait . The Albertsons pirate . He also had a large Rottweiler on a leash , Rocky . I have seen him around before but asked him today if I could take his picture . We stopped at the bank in Albertsons and he was out front . I think he said the bird was a Sunshine Conyer . It never moved from his shoulder . It went up and nestled closer to his face , but not a move to leave his perch . I got some news today about Sage and an apology for it being so long before she got here . She will be her the 8th 9th . or 10th . of April . So less than two weeks and I will have her . If something screws up I am headed for Burns with the truck and trailer and get her myself . I wish it were sooner but at least I have an idea . I found out there was going to be a small adoption in Colville , WA the first weekend of May at the Mountain Horse Stables . We will be going and helping . I did find some interesting facts about Amelia . She is a Nevada horse from the Railroad Valley HMA which does not exist any more . I am going to Google it and see what I can find out . She is a different horse from the others in confirmation and size . Have a good April 1st . Posted by I did not take a picture because I thought we would have a new baby calf I could show you . No not yet . And , we are supposed to have snow tonight . Poor Candy and poor baby . We are praying no twins this time . She is not nearly as large as when she popped them out . She had twins two years ago in a foot of much so guess this might be better . I don 't know . The other cow has a little while to go . I caught Rusty and put the Shreiners on her leg . Its about healed but still a place open and until that is closed we need to keep spraying it every day . She was naughty about me catching her . I got really aggravated with her . She didn 't want me to tie her up to the trailer . Bob got home while I was having our argument . I got her tied up and told him what I thought of that little red headed horse . We left her there for a while and then he worked with her and I did the other chores . He put her in and out of the trailer and I don 't know what else . She has to get over this stubbornness . If I did not know she wasn 't afraid it would not bother me , but she is just stubborn and wants her own way . Tracey talks about ( on her blog Mustang Diaries ) her red headed terror . I think we have a match . Bob thinks he might not have to work tomorrow . I hope not . We have things to do . And I want to go get Bob and small welder at Harbor Freight . It will be his Valentine , Easter and Fathers Day I imagine . Its on sale and he wants it . Its a coupon sale and I forgot it today when I went in to town . Drat . I did get an Easter outfit . Not just Easter of course but for my trip and dress up events . I did not get a dress . Probably should but I don 't wear dresses . In fact I don 't own one . A couple of skirts . Don 't know why , I used to . I am making Easter Baskets for my girls , little and big . Need to figure out what to do with the boys . Don 't think they would like lace , jewels and ribbon . Oh well , I will . I should have started earlier . Didn 't get the idea sooner . Happy last Day of March . Today was a terrible day here . The wind blew 50 plus miles and hour and it snowed and rained and was just icky . So I just decided to just post some pictures from the past here . Some maybe have been posted before but I don 't think most of them have . This picture is our horses going out the lane to eat in the fog one morning . I loved that picture . The donkey is bringing up the rear . Bob and I on a Mustang Club ride a couple of years ago . He is riding Pepper and I am riding Dixie . No days I ride Pepper and I gave Dixie back to her former owner . She was so thrilled to have her . I am so glad . She and I just did not connect too good . I could ride her but she wanted to go back where she came from . My pony Wild Rose aka Rosie . She is my driving pony . She loves to pull a cart or the sleigh in the winter . Bob has used her for some light logging type activities too . If it pulls , she will do it . She also loves to have our grandaughter ride her . She isn 't big on adults getting on her but babysits kiddos . One of the horse 's mane in the winter . I just loved the look . I think it is Raven but I don 't know for sure . These are Wynona Judd 's horses . If you don 't know Wynona is a country singer . Last year when I went to visit my sister , we went around and looked at the stars homes . Wynona 's house is really on the next road but this is her pasture and her horses . The were very friendly . If I had had a carrot I would have fed them . This little horse is part of a stained glass thingy that hangs in my dining room window . I won it at a Back Country Horsemen event a few years ago . I don 't remember when this was . I do know it was at the top of HooDoo Pass in Montana . We went with a couple of other couples and camped . It was Labor Day weekend . So much fun . I was chicken to ride down to the lake but it was fun looking at it . A year ago I went over to daughter Nikki 's and one of the days we went up to Bellingham for Nikki to get a tattoo . My nieces son Phillip is a tattoo artist there . We drove around and this church stands out . We had such a fun dPosted by Two of my girls . Our youngest daughter Christyn and her oldest daughter Nikki . We had such a good time today . We talked and laughed and laughed some more . Then we collaborated on Taco 's for lunch which turned into dinner . It was a good day . Nikki is diabetic and has been since she was 6 . She is now 16 . Our bit excitement today had nothing to do with horses but with cows . One of our cows , Candy , somehow found some wire like electric fence wire . She had it wrapped around both hind feet and in between her cowtoes . We got the longest part off but she kept kicking at it . Bob got a rope on her and we got the squeeze chute open . The put her head in but she is due to have her baby this week and I did not think she would fit . So , with Bob warning me not to get kicked , as if I wanted to get kicked . I petted her and ran my hand down her leg like I would on a horse and with wire cutters I got most of it off . But there was some I could not get to without endangering my head . So , we put her in the chute even though it was a tight squeeze . Bob opened the bottom door and got it off . I just petted her and told her what a good girl she was and we let her out . She wasn 't cut but would have been by morning . Bob had a message for everyone . If you were looking for a good farmers wife , look elsewhere , this one is taken . LOL . Saw a message on a sign on our way to church today and it is worth passing along . Families are like fudge . Mostly sweet and a few nuts . Today I drove to Ellensburg to the Washington State Horsemen board meeting . During the president of our organizations opening remarks he talked about what a tough week this had been for our country and we were going to open the meeting with a pledge of allegiance . It set my mind to thinking on the two and a half hour drive home . I turned the music off and let my mind go . I thought of all the ugly things that have been said about both sides of the issue and it makes my stomach turn over . I hate all this rhetoric . Neither side needs to say such bad things and make such bad accusations of others just because they disagree with their opinions . Both sides have said things no one needs to say . This is America , the land of the free and the home of the brave . We are Americans . And I lift my proud head about that fact . I remember some years ago being in Washington DC . We had toured the capitol building and went out a door opposite of where we went in somehow . Can 't remember . We crossed the street to the Supreme Court building and I looked back across the street through the leaves of autumn at the Capitol and sat down on those white marble steps and wept . The ladies with me thought something was wrong but I just looked at that awesome picture in front of me and thought here I am in the capitol of the most powerful nation on earth . I am just little old me from Spokane , Washington and I can go and walk around and no one is standing there with guns . Some of that has changed since 911 but you can still get around the city . I am so proud to be an American . I guess that is why all this name calling and finger pointing is bothering me so much . My sister and I are on opposite sides of the issue but we are still sisters and love each other . She is my one and only . Bob and his brother are on opposite sides of the issue but they still love each other . He is his one and only . We are family . Most of our friends agree with our particular views but they would still be our friends even if they didn 't . We are Americans . Both Bob and BrowniPosted by The month of April will mark the start of my 4th . year of blogging . This is a picture of Dixie and I . She is who I was riding then . Ramona from the BLM took this picture and sent it to me . Little did I know if anyone would read this or not . If you noticed my counter on the right hand side , we passed 10 , 000 visitors recently . That absolutely blows me away that that many people would want to come and see what a slightly overweight , white haired lady had to say about her experience with mustang horses and other things that flit through my mind . Thank you all so very very much . l This is a recent picture of Rusty and I . Bob has been working her the past week while I have been gimping around . When I went out today she would not let me catch her without a run down and Bob walks right up to her . I told him , she was his and he would have to find the time to work with her . I will spray the meds on her leg but she does not want me around her . At least today that is what I am thinking . Anyway , if Sage gets here next week like I would expect , Gary said by the end of the month , I won 't have so much time and we have another mustang filly coming in for training . So he had better get with my program . LOL . To celebrate my three years of blogging , I am going to send a gift to someone . All you have to do is to comment on my blog during the entire month of April and then I will draw a name . I made some gift boxes and I will fill it with some things . Don 't just know yet , but it will be fun to get . Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and making me feel loved and not old . My word today is appreciation . That is what i feel . The sun shone so great today . I just relished it with joy . I could not get out and do anything but enjoyed the warm . Today Skeeter got a bath and a haircut . He was a mess . I don 't care , I love him so much . He is so sweet and he was so glad to see me . He has a pretty green scarf on . He looks good in green . Again nothing outside except Bob could not get Pepper in his stall this evening , he just ran around the barn for Bob . I hobbled down there and got after him . He looked at me and went where he belonged . My sister said he missed me , Bob said he was being stupid and I think he just was tired of the way Bob does things . Rusty has liked Bob treating her leg though . And she expects her treats . I am going to try to get out there myself tomorrow . My foot is still sore but it is healing . I am trying very hard to walk on it correctly . Then it won 't get sore places it doesn 't need to . It is still vivid colored . Take care . You have put up with a lot of whining this week . I am sorry I am not usually a wimp but this hurt . Way worse than getting dumped in the water . What is left of our cherry tree . Half of it was dead and we did not get any cherries from it . The birds got them and made big messes . So , down it came . Tom will get the rest of the wood next weekend when he comes out . They have a wood heater stove and can use it . Oliver relaxing in the sun . His short horn seems to have healed up OK . He recovered fully from whatever he had that made him so sick a month or so ago . Now if Bob walks toward him and doesn 't have food he runs . He thinks he might be going to get another shot . I wonder what kind of hens these are . They have very round bodies and tails that are not pointy like theothers , they are rounded . And they have feathers on their legs and their feathers are kind of bushy around their heads . Spot relaxing before she goes out to the pasture to eat again . I expect her baby will be born next week . That is when the full moon is . Candy is due about the same time . I don 't know what kind this rooster is either . He is huge . I mean really huge . We had a rooster when we got the 10 new hens and she had the rooster . She said she could not eat him so gave him to us . He was in a rabbit hutch type cage in the barn for Bob to butcher last Saturday . Friday morning when Bob went out our rooster was laying there dead . Bob said he died with a smile on his face . Don 't really know what happened to him though . We had another one drop over of a heart attack a couple of years ago . So Big Boy had his life saved . He is now our rooster . I think we have 13 laying hens and one old hen that is blind in one eye and is lame that has survived 3 dog attacks so we named her Lucky and she can live her life out in peace with the other chickens . I don 't know if I will be able to get out to do chores or work with Rusty by tomorrow or not . I hope so . Bob is in such a foul mood tonight that I am glad he did not catch her . I am hiding out . LOL . Thankful Tuesday ? I am thankful that my foot is a little better today . I am thankful for the sunshine . I am thankful for family . Even when we don 't get along , we are stiPosted by No pictures today . I could not get outside to take any . Bob told me I missed some funny ones of the donkey 's playing tug of war with a hose they found somewhere . I wanted to try to get down there but my foot hurts too bad . It is swollen red and purple . That seems to be my colors of choice for the past three weeks . Man my foot hurt today . I tried to stay down and keep it up but one can only read so long and watch so much mindless TV . I got to thinking about things I had no business thinking of and worrying about until I had myself in tears . Tomorrow I am going to walk , hear me , I AM going to walk . Maybe I will even be able to get a sock on . This is ridiculous . I did hear that my horse will not get here until the end of the month . Well that is just 6 days away so maybe next week . I hope so . I WILL BE WALKING BY THEN . I WILL . I want to just to be able to touch her . Probably won 't happen as soon as I want but I will settle for just looking at her and talking to her and telling her how beautiful she is . When God created the horse He said to the magnificent creature : I have made thee as no other . All the treasures of earth lie between they eyes . Thou shalt carry my friends upon thy back . Thy saddle shall be the seat of prayers to me . And though fly without wings , and conquer without any sword . Oh , horse . The Koran . Yes , that is my foot . That is the bottom of my foot , that looks icky , I should have let Bob take a picture of the top . It HURTS . I am positive 2 toes are broken but nothing can be done . I dropped the cast iron lid of a cast iron pot . It hit right on the edge of the lid like a knife . That is what it felt like . DIL helped me this afternoon . Two Sundays ago , Pepper tossed me in the drink , last weekend on Saturday I fell down in gravel in Puyallup . Now this Sunday me foot . I may just take to my bed over the next weekend . And stay there . This is my pride and joy . Sheya is a wonderful little horsemen . She has a great seat and is fearless . I got after Tom , her dad , because he did not get her helmet on her head . The next time she comes out we are going to go for a ride . She has been asking me all winter . I would have done it today but my foot kept me sitting . That is Rosie the Sheya is riding . Maybe this is the week Sage will arrive . Posted by We are leaving soon and will be gone the rest of the day and into the evening . I will be too tired to write a blog so am going to leave you with a quote from Aesop 's Fables , The Horse and the Stag : At one time the Horse had the plain entirely to himself . Then a Stag intruded into his domain and shared his pasture . The Horse , desiring to revenge himself on the stranger , asked a man if he were willing to help him in punishing the Stag . The man replied that if the Horse would receive a bit in his mouth and agree to carry him , he would contrive effective weapons against the Stag . The Horse consented and allowed the man to mount him . From that hour he found that instead of obtaining revenge on the Stag , he had enslaved himself to the service of man . Have a great Saturday . I got a new card reader so I can get the pictures off my camera . Hurrah . Bob got home and I had Pepper all saddled for him to work with Rusty . I had done ground work with her earlier . She wasn 't too excited about it but she will get used to it . She did not like Bob being above her like that . So he will need to do this really often . Or , I will . I want to tell him how to do it but he won 't like that . We do things quite differently and Rusty is used to me . At first she did not like me but now she is used to how I do things and its Bob she is leary of . These are my spurs . Bob is hooking them up to the leathers as I write this . I hope they are enough for him to know I mean business . I don 't want to carry a switch but that is the next step . He absolutely has decided he does not have to mind me . I rode today and it was enjoyableas long as he was behaving . I tried riding bareback but he knew I could not make him mind so I came back and put my saddle on . I like to ride bareback some of the time . Not today though . I told him he was still a butt head . I need to really clean up my saddle . I did not know it was still so muddy . Gonzaga won their basket ball game tonight . Guess they play Syracuse tomorrow . GO ZAGS . Since I can 't get pictures off my camera until I go tomorrow and get a card reader , I went through my folders and selected 6 pictures from the " past . " This one is of our bathroom mirror . This is what I found on the mirror when I came home from the hospital after I had my little stroke a few years ago . It blessed me so much I have left it there . Tom did it . This is Candy the cow and her tongue . She loves bread and would stand on her head for a slice of it . She is due to have her baby any day now . She had twins the last time . Hope not again . That was scary . They both grew up fine though and she raised three others besides . Bob and our grandson Isaac puffing up marshmallows in the microwave . That is something they do whenever the kids are here . The little boys and their Grandpa have a good time seeing how large they can make them . I told them if they exploded them , they get to clean it up . Our good friend Gene Bruce working on a project we were involved in on the Escure Ranch building some corrals and stuff . It is a great place to go and ride out from in the fall and spring . Pretty hot and a problem of rattle snakes in the summer . So , we don 't ride there then . Isaac and Grandpa with Pepper . He is a good little cowboy and not much afraid of anything . He has such a good time with the horses when they come and stick around for a while . A fun place to go and watch . The Sandpoint Draft Horse and Mule show . These large draft mules were really quite awesome . We had such a good time that day . It was sunny and warm that day . It was a pretty day here today . I worked with Rusty this afternoon but she didn 't know we were working . I tied her up and brushed her mane and tail out and they are so pretty . I treated her leg . And she let me lift one of her hind legs and I held it a few seconds . I hugged around her neck from the off side and she turned her head around like she was hugging me . I got so excited but just stood there quietly . Then I lead her to the front yard and let her much on grass . Later , I took a couple of treats down anLea and her Mustangs Well , . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My card reader died today . So until I can get another there aren 't going to be any pictures . I am sorry but nothing I can do about it . Dang nab it anyway . I worked with Rusty a long time today and she was really quite good . So when she was so good I took her and I sat on a pile of tires and let her eat nice fresh green grass . She seemed to like it a lot . I went down to tend the baby chicks today and four of them were dead . That is why I hate tiny baby chicks . They die so easily . The other six seem fine . The new hens are hiding out in the hen house . Could not entice them out at all today . Bob better find a market for the eggs . I was in town running errands today and I went to Will Rogers ( if you 're not from here he is a tack dealer in his mid 90 's and has anything you want ) . I got a pair of bright blue spurs to ride Pepper with . Had to get stirrup straps too . I wanted pink or purple but he was sold out so got blue . A certain black horse better get used to them . they are bumper spurs , no rowels . Have a good evening . Isn 't her tail beautiful ? I got it all brushed out today . She really just stood there and let me until I moved to the off side and then she had a little snit . I just kept at it though and with the aid of Cowboy Magic I got it all brushed out pretty . She was a little nervous about me working back there but stood and let me . Earlier though we had a little near catastrophe . She pulled away from me and ran right out the driveway and down the middle of the road . I was horrified . Our road is pretty busy sometimes especially that time of the day . Fortunately , a guy on a motorcycle came down the road and saw her and herded her right back to our driveway and I caught her . I don 't know what possessed her but that 's what she did . I led her back over to the trailer where I was trying to tie her up when something jumped up and was going to eat her ( at least that is what she thought ) . She was good the rest of the day . Bob is gone this evening to get some chickens . I didn 't think we needed any more laying hens but I was glad to hear we got a dozen baby roosters for fryers . Today I am thankful for the warm weather , the sunshine , and coat less days . I am not so naive as to think we are over cold weather but we are edging that way . I am thankful for the green grass that is sprouting and the little buds on the trees where leaves will be . I am thankful we can leave the front door open and a little of the storm door . My word for the day is sunshine . The two mares with the long manes . Rusty did not much like standing there with another horse and Amelia didn 't like Rusty being there . They managed to work it out OK . They both got wormed today , in fact , they all but Cody got wormed today . When his mom comes she can do that . We had to run Yuma down and Bob had to rope him to get him wormed but now all of ours are done for now . The shots should be here this week and then we will have those to give . I order them out of the Heartland Vet Supply catalog . That was about my day although Katie did most of the worming . Bob and I finished this evening and then went to Wally World to get a clock and a few groceries . Now to bed . Hopefully to sleep better than either of us did last night . I had a great visit this past weekend , no only with Janet that I stayed with but didn 't take a picture and my cousins who I had that seen for over 30 some years . Donna lives in Eatonville and Cindy lives in Auburn . We had breakfast at Applebees just S of Puyallup and had a great visit . It was sooooo good to see them . Don 't know why we had lost track of each other . We have the advent of Facebook to thank for getting back together . They have one sister and 2 brothers that its been forever since I have seen too . Our bench outside Applebees . An unsuspecting guy walking by got conned into taking our picture . Thank you young man , whoever you are . He took two pictures . Appreciated it a lot . You never know when you are going out to eat who is going to accost you . My mountain fix . I grew up looking at that view . And I still love it . Primroses in the flower bed outside Applebee 's . They are such a pretty gold . The clinic I attended was OK . I thought it was too long and she may be a wonderful judge of big shows but she is a name dropper and the names of the world shows she has judged . That did not really impress me a whole lot . It was way more applicable if you are a judge but I am a steward and she does not work with stewards so much of it was a little on the boring side . I only have to do it every 3 years though so it was tolerable . I was blessed to have somewhere to stay because some had to stay 2 nights in a motel for a one day clinic . Janet and I had a really good visit . She cooked some great food . And we ate it . I felt really bad that Nikki and Carmen were over this weekend and I only got to see them about half an hour before I left on Friday . They did not come out today , they took Carmen 's mother back to Colfax . She has been visiting up here I think . Then then went home from there . Even though Carmen still does not have a job some things are looking up for them . They have been this way for long enough there are some programs they can get I guess . I hope so . They came to see Nathaniel . He is almost 3 months old and CarmePosted by A snowy day , a rainy day , a cold day , a windy day , Take your pick of one or all of the above . Rusty got out of any training today and I go a lot done inside the house . That needed to be done too . Bob has to work Saturday so we are not taking stuff to the Tack Swap because he would not be home in time to go collect the money . Oh well , we will have a yard sale and sell it then . I was going to post some old pictures on my thinking day but forgot about it until just a bit ago so will have to start that another Thursday . Instead of that , I am going to post a poem at the end of the blog that I found in my book - Quotable Horse Lover . I leave in the morning for Puyallup . I am going to go to a clinic that is required by Washington State Horsemen , Licensed Official committee . I am a licensed Show Steward . It is all day Saturday . I am staying Friday night and Saturday night with a longtime friend . I will visit Bobs brother and wife for a while Friday afternoon and Sunday morning I hope to meet my cousins for breakfast someplace . I will call Donna tomorrow . I may or may not be posting anything until Sunday when I get home . Hope your weekend is wonderful . I on my horse , and Love on me , doth tryOur horsemanships , while by strange work I proveA horseman to my horse , a horse to Love , And now man 's wrongs in me , poor beats ! decry . The reins wherewith my rider doth me tieAre humbled thoughts , which bit of reverence moveCurb 'd - in with fear , but with gilt bosse aboveOf hope , which makes it seem fair to the eye : The wand is will ; thou , Fancy saddle art , Girt fast by Memory ; and while I spurMy horse , he spurs with sharp desire my heart . He sits me fast however I do stir , And now hath made me to his hand so right , That in the manage myself take delight . Sir Philip Sidney , " Astrophel and Stella , " Sonnet IL Rusty in the trailer with the divider closed after another battle . She is so strong willed . She is not afraid . If she were I would not keep pressing but she is just stubborn and wants to win . She leads OK as long as she agrees where we are going . Otherwise it is brakes on and feet planted hard . The only answer I have come up with is to turn her and back her up to where I want to go . It is a getting to be a pain . I am beginning to wonder what I need to do different with her . Some things just don 't change . I will be gone this weekend and I told Bob he had to work with her and see what he can do with her . This is Big Red . He will go home this weekend . A farrier is coming to work on his feet Saturday morning . They are really awful . Hes very friendly . Other than work with Rusty it was a so so day . Bought groceries , put them all away and worked on some craft stuff . I need to clear off the dining room table before I leave on Friday . I have several projects going . One thing I did today was put a cover on an ugly old notebook that my Washington State Horsemen rule book would fit in . I could have sewn it but did it with fabric modgepodge and ribbon . No one will have another like it . I was going to buy one but Walmart didn 't have any the right size and I discovered this one amidst the mess in the back roombut it needed something on the cover besides advertising so now it does . Had a frustrating evening . Now I like company but not tonight . I made a good dinner which is not always the case . We fix what we want , it works for us but tonight I fried chicken , mashed potatoes , gravy and steamed broccoli . Well the neighbors showed up just as we were getting ready to eat . Didn 't have enough for more people so we just ignored it . They stayed quite a while and the broccoli was mushy and everything else was cold . Grrrrrrr . Oh well , they are nice folks and had no idea . Life goes on and I am tired . See you tomorrow . The awful dark sky that we had today . A little sun but not even a little warm . I think our high was 38 . Spring is just a little over a week away . Is this not a sign of spring ? There were dozens of them in the yard today . I told they they were going to freeze their little feet off . They didn 't seem to listen . I am much better today . The bruises keep appearing but are not hurting so much . Nothing broken and that was a big deal . We have the helicopter rescue insurance and one of the thoughts that went through my head was OMG I am going to have to ride in a helicopter and that scared me spitless . I was so glad I just rode the rest of the ride on a muddy horse . I worked with Rusty this afternoon . She was a stinker again . She did let me work with her leg and spray the Shreiners on it . It is healing up beautiful . She did not want to do much of anything else though except follow me around . She leads well if she feels like it or otherwise she backs where I want her to go . She would not go into the trailer . It is in a different place . I worked about 3 / 4 of an hour before she went in . In and out , in and out and finally in to stand . She is a handful . I thought sure I would hear about Sage yesterday or today . Maybe tomorrow . I want her here so bad . I am thankful today for being unhurt in an accident that could have broken several bones . Although it was icky to be in , I am thankful for the mud that cushioned my crash . My friend Ramona said Pepper must have had a moment of Spring Madness . I agree . He really is a good horse . No photos today . I barely went out the door . My body aches and have places on my body that are colors that should not appear on the human body . Black / blue / purple and shades of all three . Somehow my left hand is puffed up but its really nothing serious . It will all be gone in a few days and I will feel better tomorrow . After being in the near 60 's for a couple of days , it was cold today . In the low 40 's . When I went to put the horses out this morning I just wore a sweatshirt . I about froze so this evening I put my heavy barn coat on . Spring is coming though . Grass is coming up . As I was raking up around here on Saturday there was green grass sprouting under the winter stuff . Tomorrow on my list of must do 's is to get my old saddle cleaned up to take to the tack swap this weekend . Rather Bob take , I will be in Puyallup at a clinic . I love the tack swap and always enjoy being there even if I don 't buy anything . It seems to always be the start of the horse season here . Nothing outside today , just was not up to it but feel like it or not tomorrow I must get back to Rusty . We have a horse in the round pen for a neighborhood guy so I will have to do other things . That 's OK . The horse in the RP is an almost 17 hand Tennessee Walker that John got for free . He is huge ( the horse ) - like in tall , not very wide . He is sweet . When I fed him this evening all he wanted to do was to be loved on . His owner was disabled and could not care for him . I think he is used to lots of loving on . I love horses like that . Raven is out lover . The others like it but she won 't leave you alone if your are in the pasture . She just wants a lot of attention . Red seems that way . Hes about 15 I think . I hope to hear from Burns tomorrow . I am so anxious to get Sage here . ANXIOUS I say . Today we went for a ride with the Back Country Horsemen . It was a beautiful day . There were about 30 of us . A real surprise . Lots of mules on the ride . Am glad our horses don 't came . Pepper is always towards the tail . He wasn 't too far back today but far enough the leaders had made a loop in front of us . I was kind of in the middle at this point . Now to the surprise . Not fun I can assure you . About half way into the ride there was a seep pond over the trail . Pepper goes through water without a problem . Well , not this time . He went in just fine . About half way across he dropped and was going to lay down . I got wet on one leg but got his pulled back to his feet . THEN he just flopped down on the other side and tossed me face first into the very cold , very muddy water . Physically I was not hurt , have lots of black and blue spots on my thighs and my left side but nothing serious . However , I was really embarrassed . I had to crawl , literally on my hands and knees out of the water . I could not get on to my feet . Pepper ran off , he new he was in very deep , I mean very deep doodoo . A nice man helped me to my feet , and out of the pond . Bob got back to me at that point . I was really starting to shiver . He began stripping my clothes . I kept grabbing them , what was going to do out in the middle of no where with no clothes . I got down to my undies , he put his jacket on me . My friend Marilyn , bless her heart had on two pair of pants and she gave me her outside pair and helped me get them on . I was shivering pretty good by that point . She also had on two pair of socks . They dried the inside of my boots with my shirt and I put on her socks . Someone returned my horse , he had broken my favorite reins . Wiped the mud on my saddle , Bob tied my wet jeans , t shirt , sweatshirt and vest behind his saddle and off we went to finish the ride . I was pretty done by the time we got back . One good thing , my cell phone was in my vent pocket zipped in and it is OK but my small camera was on my wrist and it got drowned . It is dead , full of water . I diPosted by These boys played off and on all afternoon . It was fun to watch them . I had trouble getting a picture because the lens kept focusing on the trees or the fence . Finally got an angle that worked . They are really good friends . Wanna dance ? Oh , shes over there taking pictures . We had better behave . Liberty laying in the sun this morning . Oliver hanging out where the sun shone best for him . I took a picture of his broke off horn but it didn 't work . It looks good now . He is shedding . See all the bunches of white hair . He rubs it off with his remaining horn . Wrangler enjoying the sun this morning too . I put Pepper into the pen with him and the silly guy went over and made Wrangler get up . Naughty boy . It was a great day , not only did we get along of stuff outside cleaned up and burned but we got some chores done that needed doing . Katie and Cameron came out and rode . She groomed a couple of the horses for me . Hair flying all over . She will come Monday and do stalls . I worked on Rusty for about two hours today and she was awesome . I took my little stool and put it down beside her and she let me get up on it and lay over her . She was not tied anywhere , just had the lead rope in my hand . Put her in and out of the trailer a couple of times . Bob went and got some Shreiners for her leg . That is good stuff . Kind of spendy but it works good . She is beginning to get some proud flesh growing and that will not only heal her leg but stop that from growing . I led her all over , around things , over things and after we sprayed her leg we put her back in the trailer and put the divider in place . I tied her outside like I would any horse and then we cleaned out the tack room and did stuff around the trailer . She just stood there . After about half an hour I turned her out . It was a successful day with her . Soon , very soon we will put a saddle on her . I hope she does not remember bucking off one last year . It was almost 60 today , same is predicted for tomorrow . Then snow by midweek . Freaky ? Yes of course . But it is March in the northwest . |
Pregnancy is a terrifying thing . After losing Molly , I was so scared of losing another one that choosing to try again was a huge decision . However , once I got pregnant we were able to feel excited again . As was expected , we had days where we were very nervous and would experience high anxiety . However , every time we saw the doctor everything was progressing normally and they were ready to begin the high risk testing . We felt taken care of . We felt more prepared to deal with my bicournate uterus and to expect having our handsome son delivered early if the need came . Mentally , we were preparing for something to go wrong - but this time we were sure we would catch it in time . Our doctor 's office was ready and was watching . Lucas and I bought a home doppler device and almost every day I would lay down and Lucas would grab the doppler and we would feel the daily relief of hearing his steady heartbeat . As he began to kick more and more we listened to his heart a little less often , but if I didn 't feel him for more than an hour or so I would listen with the doppler just to be sure he was safe . The sound of his heart beating was like a warm blanket assuring me that at least for that second he was there . He was growing . He was on his way to us . We did not have the courage to set up his nursery or to buy any baby clothing , but I have spent a lot of time making him a blanket . I wanted to show myself that I had faith and that even though I didn 't know what would happen , that if he came I could give him something I made for him . On Wednesday the 9th Kellen was moving around a lot . He was kicking all the time and I was loving watching my belly move around . I liked to sit with my hand on my belly and feel him kicking around while I worked . I spent the morning at the call center at work , and I felt fine . When I went home my visiting teachers came over . When they left and I stood up I noticed I was a little wet . I went to the bathroom and found that I was leaking . I was not bleeding , and it was not like I wet my pants , but it was as though I had spilled water in my pants . I did not know what it was , but I was scared . I spent the next couple hours waiting for Lucas to get home and searching online for answers as to what that might have been . Of course , google freaked me out . I found women who said it could be amniotic fluid , and others who said it was urine . Some women said they leaked and their baby was fine , and others lost their babies . I wanted to go to the doctor , but it was evening and they were closed . I also didn 't want to panic when it could have been nothing . I could tell that there was still plenty of fluid around Kellen , and he was moving just as much as ever , but I was still worried . I called my mom and she assured me that it was better to be safe than sorry and to call the doctor , but that it was probably urine or just a little leaking that was not going to be an issue . After calling the doctor and listening to their automated machine I was frustrated and wanted to talk to Lucas . He got come from work at about 7 and I explained to him what had happened . We decided to keep an eye on it and see if it continued . Luckily we had our 29 week appointment the next day and we would ask the doctor about it then . If we noticed any change in Kellen or an increase in leaking we would go to the hospital . However , through the night , it seemed the leak was done and Kellen was fine . His heart rate was normal and he was wiggly and up in my ribs where he usually was . I went to bed nervous but feeling a little better and comforted by Kellen 's frequent movements . The next day I had a shorter day at work and was happy that I felt Kellen moving through the day . Our appointment was at 2 : 30 and it was Lucas ' day off . He spent the day cleaning the apartment . We have both been nesting and deep cleaning like crazy . He spent the whole day cleaning the house and making it perfect for whenever our son would make it here . We still didn 't feel ready to set up his crib , but we felt safe cleaning the apartment . When I got off work I went home and Lucas met me outside , we went straight to the Doctor 's office . We walked in and luckily we didn 't have to wait very long . The doctor was acting a little like this appointment was useless and we came too soon . He measured my belly and I was measuring right at 29 weeks , my weight was perfect , Kellen 's movement and heart rate was right where it should be . When the Doctor asked if we had any concerns or questions we told him about the previous days ' leaking . It bothered me how lightly he took it . He said he was 99 percent sure it was probably urine , but he would check anyway . His casual attitude and his blowing off that it could be anything really bugged me , but I was glad he was going to check . I changed clothes and he did a test and said that whatever the fluid was , there was no amniotic fluid leaking now . I was relieved , but was sure that 's what he expected and was not really taking the time to really check me out . But the test showed no amniotic fluid leaking , so I was happy . Lucas looked relieved , too . We scheduled our next appointment for 3 weeks later at 32 weeks . The doctors had planned to keep a closer eye on us this time and starting at 32 weeks they were going to have us come in twice a week for ultrasounds and a BPP test . The test would show how much amniotic fluid is around Kellen , how much oxygen he is getting through his umbilical cord , and check his heart rate and movements . They were about to start keeping a closer eye on my uterus to make sure he didn 't run out of room , and to be ready to deliver him if any of the tests showed anything abnormal . We left the office feeling relieved and taken care of . The next day I went to work and so did Lucas . Things were great and Kellen was moving around as usual . I did my daily fetal movement counts and Kellen was moving a ton , more than usual actually . Everything was perfect and I coudln 't believe that I was almost 30 weeks already . That night when we were in bed I was falling asleep and noticed that Kellen was moving a ton . It reminded me of the night before we lost Molly , and how she moved around like this . I hugged my belly and thought " Dont move so much , baby , you 're in there with a cord . " I wasn 't really scared , but the memory or Molly moving a lot that night did make his quick rolling around something I took note of . The next morning I woke up and was glad it was my day off . Lucas went to work , and I spent the morning sleeping . I was exhausted . Moose lay by me most of the morning , as he has the entire pregnancy . He is like my little protector . When I finally got a little energy I decided to clean the blinds . We had been meaning to for a while but it takes so long that we had been putting it off . I spent the morning sitting on the counter with a magic eraser making our blinds look perfect . When I finished I ate lunch , took a prenatal , and played with Moose . I wanted to to more to make our house feel clean since Lucas had spent his whole day cleaning , I wanted to do more to help him feel clean . So I crawled around the house cleaning the baseboards and vacuuming . About an hour before Lucas got home I sat feeling my belly , I didn 't feel Kellen move but was sure he was sleeping . I didn 't think much of it and I went to run some errands . When I got home I put the things I had bought away and then Lucas got home . As soon as he got home I had the feeling that we needed to check for Kellen 's heartbeat . It was a strong feeling , and I realized that I wasn 't sure when I felt him last . I was sure I felt him that morning , but did not know the exact time . I said " Hey , hun , can we listen to Kellen , I haven 't felt him move for a couple hours . " Lucas said , " Sure , babe . " He stopped playing with moose and got a paper towel and followed me into our room . I layed on the bed and lifted my shirt over my belly , and Lucas grabbed the gel . He squeezed it on my belly and I flinched at how cold it was . We talked a little as he moved the device around my belly looking for the heartbeat . It had been harder to find recently , and Kellen was back by my spine a lot so finding his heartbeat had been taking a while . I had a bad feeling creeping up in my chest . After a minute we were both silent and just listening to the sounds of the doppler device . Twice he stopped when we heard a heartbeat . It was at 90 bpm . We were not sure if that was my heart beating fast out of nerves or the baby 's heartbeat beating too slowly . Lucas placed the doppler by my heart and it was at 91 bpm . So it was my heart and I was scared so it was going faster than normal . After a few minutes I got up and moved my belly . I could feel Kellen 's bum , and didn 't feel him kicking . This all felt too familiar . Lucas asked me to get a drink of something cold and come lay down for a minute and we would try again . I got a drink of cold water , and lay on the bed again . After a second , Lucas grabbed the doppler , put more gel on my belly and we sat there in silence . There was no heartbeat . We couldn 't find it . We instantly doubted how well our doppler worked , and were sure Kellen was hiding or at a weird angle . But I was scared . My eyes started watering , and Lucas looked scared . I immediately grabbed my purse and we walked silently to the car . It felt like we were reliving the day we lost Molly and were haunted by knowing that our last trip to the hospital ended with us coming home alone . We tried to stay hopeful . As we drove I began to cry . I kept my arms hugging my belly and begging for him to move . Lucas said , " I know you aren 't doing this , but lets try not to react until we know what 's going on . " I nodded and continued to hug my belly . As we pulled up the street to the hospital I was overcome with fear as I remembered being here just a year ago feeling the same way . I was too scared to cry hard , but couldn 't keep my eyes from watering up . We went up the elevator and reached labor and delivery . The doors are always locked and Lucas picked up the phone and said to the people at the front desk , " My wife hasnt ' felt the baby move in a while , and we need to check on him . " She buzzed the doors and let us in . I could not get over how familiar it all was . It was the same . The nurse got my name and information , then she walked around the desk and said , " Come in here . " She pointed to the same room where I got checked and we learned that Molly was in trouble . How could we be here again ? They had me change into a hospital robe before they checked anything . I wished they would just check for the heartbeat already , so I changed as fast as I could and came out and layed on the bed . The nurse check my heartrate and I wanted to scream at her to check the baby . I was too scared to say anything though and I just waited and stared at Lucas for comfort . He sat across the room in a chair and watched me . We kept eye contact . The nurse went out of the room to grab something before checking for his heartbeat and Lucas said , " I 'm just excited for her to come in and to hear a strong hearbeat " My eyes watered and I couldn 't see him but I nodded and tried to breath . The nurse came back in the room and grabbed the monitor that would check for contractions . I let her know I had not felt any , and there had been no blood . She said okay and seemed pretty sure she would find a heartbeat . She moved the heart monitor all around and there was nothing but silence . Just to make sure I said , " You 're checking for the heartbeat right ? " She said " Yes . Let me check everywhere " She moved the monitor all over my belly , and after a few minutes she looked sad and I was overwhelmed with fear . Lucas was frozen . He sat in his chair and just stared at me . I looked at him and we didn 't know what to say . The nurse then said , " I can 't find anything . I 'm sorry . The doctor will come in and do an ultrasound to be sure . Who is your doctor ? " I couldn 't think . I just said " Madisons " and she nodded and said , " Doctor Allred is here . He will be good . He lost a baby too . " TOO ? TOO ? is she confirming that Kellen is gone ? I could not function . A few minutes later our Doctor came in . He was my favorite one at our office , and he looked very sad . He gave us a sympathetic smile and Lucas moved to sit on a stool by my bed and held my hand . Dr . Allred grabbed the ultrasound machine and put more gel on my belly and placed the probe on me . This is when I stopped feeling . I think my mind and heart went numb . I could feel tears running down my face and hear the Doctor apologizing . They were talking to me about options but I could not think . I felt the familiar crumbling of my heart as I realized we lost another baby . Our sweet baby boy was already back in heaven with his sister . We would never hold him alive . We would have to wait to raise him when we raise Molly . I could not bear the pain , so my mind didn 't let me feel anything . From that point on everything seemed a blur . Lucas put his arm around me and kissed my head . We were told that we could either induce labor or have a c - section . However , my bicournate uterus and being only 29 . 5 weeks would make chance of uteran rupture very dangerous unless by any chance I was already dilated at all . I couldn 't decide . I didn 't want to think about giving birth to him and knowing he was gone . I didn 't want to go through another c - section and lose another one . He asked if he could check to see if I was dilated . I agreed . He quickly checked me and said unfortunately there was no sign of dilating yet and he thought it was too dangerous to induce since I had previously had a c - section . He recommended another surgery . I cried . Lucas ' eyes were red and he seemed as numb as I felt . I was not ready to make decisions . I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare . Lucas said " It doesn 't feel real . This just can 't be real . " Unfortunately , this was happening again , and we had to start making decisions . I became so overwhelmed that I put my hands over my face and lost it . I was just weeping . I wanted to die too . I wanted to take Lucas ' hand and walk out of the hospital and find a way to get to our children . I could not stop crying . I never thought we would have to feel this pain again , but just like that our mending hearts were ripped to shreds again . It was not fair , and I let myself cry . Lucas hugged me and he may have cried , honestly I was so overwhelmed and my face was covered . I was barely aware of anything . Then I went numb again . I couldn 't cry or feel . Lucas seemed to be in shock . We quietly made our decision that while we were here we wanted to get it over with . We were tired , but we didn 't want to leave and have to drive here again knowing he was gone . We wanted to hold him as soon as possible . Lucas gave me a tissue . I sat frozen while he buzzed the nurses and said " We made our decision " The doctor came in a minute later and we told him we thought we wanted to do the c - section tonight . He said he had to take care of a few things and get ready , and he would send someone in to talk to us about whether I wanted an epidural to be awake or if I wanted to be put all the way under . I didn 't know . I was done making decisions . I didn 't want to make Lucas sit alone in the hospital while I 'm knocked out in surgery and our baby is still born . He already had to sit for hours not knowing if Molly would be okay or if I was okay . However , I was terrified of being awake and having them take Kellen out and NOT hearing him cry . I didn 't want to see him limp and bloody and gone . It would kill me . The anesthesiologist game in and talked to us about the pros and cons of each . I could not decide . It seemed impossible . I finally said , " I dont know . I dont want to leave Lucas alone . " Lucas said , " I 'll be okay , really . You do what you feel most comfortable with . " He seemed to be genuinely okay with not being there , and I couldn 't blame him . He would be more aware of what was going on . He would have to see Kellen born still and not be able to do anything . We talked for a minute and decided that it would be easier on our hearts to be able to see him after I woke up and we could meet him together once the emergency part of the surgery was over and it could be calmer . We could hold him and he would be clean . Just like with his sister after she passed , he would just look like he was sleeping . So I chose to be put under . Lucas seemed okay with it . They didn 't waste much time and sent in nurses to come put an IV in my arm . The needle didn 't hurt . I could feel nothing . They shaved me and I lay in shock as we relived the worst moment of our lives . I began to shake and the nurses kept bringing warm blankets to put over me . Lucas stayed by me . One of the nurses let us know that they had consecrated oil and if Lucas wanted to call someone to give me a blessing before the surgery we had time . We decided it was a good idea . Lucas called his good friend Derek . Then Lucas walked out into the hall and called his mom and told her what had happened . About 10 minutes later Derek came in the room . He had the familiar look of wishing he could help and being completely lost for words . He quietly whispered " I 'm so sorry " and I said , " me too . Thank you for coming " He nodded and Lucas asked him to help with the blessing . The two of them put their hands on my head and I felt the love of the Lord . I knew I would be okay through the surgery , and was not scared for it . However , my numbness was still taking over . I was beyond tears . When they finished the blessing , I thanked them both and Derek again told us how sorry he was and left . Lucas followed Derek out and gave the oil back to the nurses and came back in . A nurse talked to us for a while . I called my mom and asked her to get my dad too . They could tell I was crying . I didn 't know how to say it , and I didn 't have the strength to say it out loud . I quickly just said , " Mom . Kellen passed away . I didn 't feel him , and we came to the doctor and there is no heartbeat . He 's gone . " My mom started to cry and couldn 't believe it . I was losing it again , so said I needed to go and got off the phone . I hated that this is the second time I had to tell my parents that their grandbaby was gone . After about a half hour it was time for the surgery . Lucas walked by my bed as they wheeled me out of the room . They told me what room he would be waiting in and he kissed me and told me he loved me , then he had to wait . The doors to the OR opened and they wheeled me to the same room where Molly was delivered just a year ago . The emotions were too much to handle . I began to shake so badly that they couldn 't get me to stop even with more and more blankets on me . They had me scoot over to the operating table . The same one as last time . I apologized for shaking , and they assured me that some women shake and it was normal . My arms were almost falling off the table as they spread them out . This time , at least , I would not have to feel it . The doctor got ready and put an oxygen mask on my face . He said to take deep breaths . Then he said he was going to put some medicine in my IV . I nodded and suddenly my arm felt like it was on fire . I started crying and saying " It hurts ! ow it burns ! " The doctor assured me it would go away in a minute . Just a minute after the burning moved up my arm and made it to my chest the pain went away . I began to get very tired and the voices talking to me were incomprehensible . I tried to say something and heard my voice come out in slurred words . That 's the last thing I remember . While I was in surgery Lucas sat in the family waiting room . Harry Potter was on , and he spent the time waiting calling family and keeping them informed . I woke up in a recovery room . Everything was blurry . The nurses told Lucas that when I woke up I asked for him , and they went and got him from the family waiting room and guided him through the hospital to where I was . I dont remember asking for him , or even having him come in . The first thought I remember is that I was glad that this time we were in a different room . Everything else had been the same this time around , and I was happy to see we were in another room . Lucas stood next to me for a while and talked to me and got all the machines set up and checked my vitals . Lucas said there was a blanket around my head and I couldn 't hear very well . My vision was blurry and I was coherent but wasn 't taking anything in yet . The nurses set up my morphine and antibiotics while Lucas stood by me . I think I remember asking to see Kellen , and Lucas said we needed to wait until things calmed down and I was set up . The anesthesiologist told Lucas that I did great , and the moment he was born was very spiritual . He said that they pulled Kellen out and placed him on my belly , and that moment was very reverent . The room was very reverent and Kellen was beautiful and good looking . He assured us that he wasn 't saying this just because of what we were going through , but that he that it was very special and reverent . Lucas said his eyes were watering and he said he was glad he was able to be a part of it . Lucas told me what he had said and I cried . One of the things I had wanted when Kellen was born was to have him placed on my belly , and I was so happy it had happened even though he was gone and I was out . It was very special knowing that moment happened anyway . About 15 or 20 minutes went by and we said we were ready to see Kellen . I was still shivering . a nurse came in and she had our baby bundled in a blanket in her arms . He had on a dark hat and my heart was pounding as she walked up the bed . It felt like slow motion as the seconds went by and she lowered him into our arms . His skin was purple and his hat was dark and my first thought was that he was tiny and that he looked black . We looked at him a while and I held him and kissed his head . his skin was cold . He looked so much like Molly it was hard to believe . I handed him to Lucas and he held him and stared at him . He kissed him . Lucas placed him back in my arms and I decided I wanted to see all of him . We took off his hat and were surprised to see how blonde his hair was . It was so cute and we touched it . It looked a little strawberry blonde like Molly 's had . We removed the blue robe he was wearing and held him in just his diaper . He was so tiny but he was beautiful . He was 3 pounds 2 oz and was 15 inches long . He looked a lot like Lucas to me , and Lucas thought he looked like me . We both agreed he was definitely Molly 's brother . A photographer came in and took pictures of us while we held him and told us that while we waited she had taken pictures of him before . We were glad to have that taken care of . Because he was already gone , the left us alone for a long time . We were able to take turns holding him and kissing him . We studied every part of his body and felt his soft skin . We are completely in love with him . It was a wonderful time to be a family and we know his spirit was there and so was Molly 's . For that moment we were sure that our whole family was together in that room . It was spiritual and we felt the same comfort that we had when we lost Molly . I remember wishing that I had spent more time studying Molly after she passed , so this time the nurse assured us there was no rush and we could take as much time with him as we wanted . My mom was coming the next day , and I wanted her to hold him . We decided to keep him with us that night and see how we felt in the morning and if we felt that we needed more time or that we were ready to say goodbye . We spent hours just staring at his perfect body and face . We kissed him a million times . I felt such joy at seeing Lucas holding his son , and knowing that one day we will have both our children again . One day I will see Lucas as a dad and this sadness will not be there . I can 't wait for that day . When we got tired Lucas helped me put blankets around me so that Kellen could lay by me . He layed with his head on my arm and my arms and hands wrapped around him . I held his tiny hands and legs as I slept that night . At about 5 am a nurse came in to push on my stomach , check me , and clean me so Lucas held Kellen and he slept with him cuddled next to him . It was beautiful . Lucas held him for a while and slept with him . I 'm not sure how long he held him but eventually he put him back next to me and we slept some more . The nurses brought breakfast and I didn 't touch it . I could not imagine doing something as physical and worldy as eating , when my heart was with my angels in heaven . I felt nothing but a desire to have my family together . We spent the morning with Kellen . We cried a lot . We talked to him . We hugged and kissed eachother . We already began to recieve loving messages from our friends and family and we would read them to each other . I had no courage left to try and talk to anyone . I still havent . My mom arrived at about noon . She came in the room and I began to cry with her as she hugged me and then Lucas . Then she went to the bed where we had set Kellen and we told her she could hold him . She looked nervous and was crying as she picked him up and held him . I cried watching her . I was still in shock that this was happening again . My mom looked at me like it hurt her as bad to not be able to take away our pain as it hurt us to feel it . We all spent time with him , and after a little while Lucas said he needed to go take care of Moose . We decided we needed to say goodbye to Kellen . Lucas said that he had already all day , and he quickly kissed him and touched him and said goodbye again . Then he brought him to me and I held him in my arms . Lucas said he loved me and left . I 'm so sorry Kellen . I love you so much . I will miss you every second of every day . I hope you are with your sister and you both know how much we love you . Goodbye by sweet boy . Then I cried . I let myself really cry as I said goodbye to him . I knew I would see him again to change him for burial , but this was really my moment to see him looking so perfect and to say goodbye for this life . I cried and cried . My mom cried next to the bed . I was sad Lucas had gone home , but thought he probably needed time alone . We let the nurses know that we were ready for the funeral home to pick him up and prepare him for burial . That was impossibly hard . Maybe 20 minutes later the funeral director came in . He asked if we had used their services with Molly and we told him yes . Then we cried as my mom helped get Kellen out of my arms and handed him to the man . He wrapped him in a blanket and we told him we would be by in the next couple days to change him and to choose a casket for him . We want to bury Kellen near Molly in Colorado . It feels so unbelievable that we are burying another baby . The chances of this were so unlikely . We are completely broken . However , despite the pain and the shock we are further ahead than we were last time . We already know how we mourn a loss like this . We have studied the scriptures and have learned so much , that we already have the comfort that the teachings of the Lord and his prophets can offer . The hope that the knowledge the gospel brings gives us peace , again . It never ceases to be true , so the comfort never ceases . I can 't explain why I wasn 't angry this time . It really should have felt so unfair to have to go through this again , but I felt the familiar spiritual comfort that the Lord has a plan . Kellen was perfect and , just like Molly , he did not need to be tested in the world . He has proven that he is ready for the eternities and we feel beyond blessed to be chosen to be his parents . We love him and Molly so much . We both feel pretty numb , and what has happened keeps hitting us at different times . Though , we miss our babies , we do feel happy at the thought of them being together . They can help each other through this , and it helps us to know they have each other while we wait for our family to be whole again . We will think of them every day for the rest of our lives and we will try and make ourselves the kind of parents that deserve such pure children . They inspire us to be our best , and we will endure this life because one day the time will come and we will get to have them back . Kellen will be back in our arms . Molly will be back in our arms . We will be ready . You are beautiful , wonderful people . I am so sorry . I sat there staring at your facebook status , wanting to write something . But I didn 't know what . I know we don 't know each other very well . And I know words cannot do much . Just know that my whole family is praying for you . Amber . Sweet Amber . I can 't believe how strong you are . You amaze me with your courage and faith in the Lord . I am so sorry you had to lose another precious baby . I cried the entire time I read your post . I hope you can feel my love for you . I am keeping you and Lucas in my thoughts and prayers . I love you . Thank you SO much for sharing this . I seriously cannot believe the strength you two have . I guess you don 't really know how strong you really are until that 's the only choice you have and Amber , I am extremely humbled and feel blessed to know you and Lucas . . So glad you two found each other ! Amber , I don 't think I have ever commented on your blog before , but I have read every post in the past year . My heart breaks for you . I don 't even know what to say , but didn 't want to say nothing at all either . I am so , so very sorry that you and your family have to go through this again . You will all be in my prayers . i sat and cried and cried reading this . your children are so beautiful , both of them , and the thought of them together waiting for you makes me so excited for you . the pictures you posted are so sweet and tender and i felt so happy reading about the moment of Kellen 's birth . what a good thing to have such kind doctors who respect what an honor it was for them to be delivering your boy . i love you and i won 't stop thinking of and praying for you guys . Thank you for sharing this Amber . You are a remarkable person with a life story of faith , perseverance , and strength in the gospel that will bless all those that come to know you . I feel blessed to know you . You will always be in my prayers . He 's so beautiful and perfect , and he really does look just like Molly . When I saw this post my heart just dropped , and still I keep thinking " no no no , not them again " . I don 't know you and you don 't know me but I was so happy for you both . I 'm so sorry for your loss of beautiful Kellen . I too have been reading your blog since you lost Molly . I can 't begin to imagine loosing a child , especially more than one . I am so sorry for you and your husband . But you are so strong in your faith and so blessed , Heavenly Father knew you would understand . I have sent your blog to women I know , that have lost their babies , even ones that don 't have the gospel in their lives . You have been such a comfort to so many who don 't have our eternal perspective . You have given them hope , and a reason to keep going , and a peace that their babies were somewhere safe , happy , and waiting . I pray that you won 't lose sight of our purpose here , and will continue to be comforted by the spirit , and your Heavenly Father who knows you and knows what you are going through in this life . Amber , we are so sorry to hear what happened . Please know David and I are praying for you and Lucas and your two sweet babies . You are a beautiful writer , I cried through your whole story . I cannot imagine the pain you have been through , but am in awe of your strength and ability to share your faith and testimony with everyone . Thank you for your example . Amber and Lucas , I 'm struggling to find the right words , and I 'm sure that 's because there are no ' right ' words . I have cried as I read your post today and want you to know that I too am thinking of you as you face your saddest moments . Your babies are known world wide ( I am in the UK . ) and their stories have touched the lives of people all over the world . I will never forget them or you . Take care of yourselves and of each other . Jackie You are amazing ! Remember that , as everyone else , my heart breaks for you . I am thankful that you have the gospel and know that there is a light at the end , it makes it just a bit easier . You humble me . . . I think of the challenges that I go through ( emotional / mental ) with my children and after reading your story , I know I need to be grateful I have them here with me , challenges and all ! HF knows you are strong and He loves you ! Lucas too of course ! ; o ) Amber and Lucas , What a wonderful tribute to your angels . You are wise beyond your years . You express your thoughts and feelings so well . I have learned so much from you . Please know of my love for both of you . May the Lord 's comfort continue to be with you . I am so sorry for your loss ! Thank you for sharing Kellen 's story . You are so brave , strong , faithful and courageous . You and Lucas are in my prayers ! You are in my prayers . Every day . I 'm crying after reading this , and my heart just aches with you . You and Lucas will be blessed beyond measure for going through all this , and are some of the strongest people I know . You has two perfect , perfect children . What a reunion it will be one day ! Stay strong . You already are . The Lord loves you . We all love you . What an amazing story ! I cried through the entire thing . You and Lucas are so strong and amazing . No one knows why things happen like this to such wonderful people . I am still crying writing this . Ever since we were kids in elementary school I remember talking about having large families . This only makes you bigger no matter whether they are here on earth or up in heaven . You are in my thoughts ! Your story touches my heart and I feel so heavy for you and your husband . Losing one baby would be hard , but two is impossible to even imagine . I am impressed with your faith and understanding that the Lord has a plan for your eternal family . I also feel for your mom . I am a grandmother of seven , the most recent being twins that were fought very hard for . May God bless you all . I can 't imagine the strength it took to share this story . I can 't begin to comprehend how hard it was for you to say goodbye to another angel . They say of course that our earthly life passes in the blink of an eye . It will seem like eternity for you and Lucas , but for Kellen and Molly , they are only saying goodbye for a short time . I 'm so glad you got that time together in the hospital . I love you so much ! You 're an amazing woman and I feel blessed to know you ! < 3 When I saw all the posts on FB I kept telling myself I hope it is not what I think it is , when I read your status , my heart sank . Losing one baby is unimaginable but two . . . there are just no words . You are in my thoughts and I am sending lots of prayers and love your way ! You don 't know me , but our mutual friend Erin Angus told me to read your story . Even though I am going through something completely different than you ( miscarriage and molar pregnancy ) , I can sympathize alot with the emotions you are going through . You are such an incredible woman and you honestly just amaze me . I can 't imagine going through this twice , but I know from experience , that this will make you so much stronger . I know that I am a better woman today than I was before I had my molar pregnancy . And as we wait for our 12 month wait to try again , I know I will be more prepared if this is to happen again . I know those children of yours are cheering you on and you will always look to them as the light to the end of the tunnel . You are so amazing and I can 't get over your strength and courage . Thank you for posting your story because I know it was so theraputic for me to write mine and you are helping more women than you know . With tears streaming down my face , I am trying to figure out what to write . I am so sorry . I have never met you , but I know Lucas and he is an amazing man . And I can tell you are wonderful . I can 't imagine going through what both of you have . The strength and faith you both have is truly inspiring . Molly and Kellen are SO lucky to have you both as parents . I know that they are in heaven together holding hands just waiting to see you guys again . You and Lucas are examples to me and I 'm sure to so many others . - My love and prayers are with you and your family . xoxo You and Lucas are the strongest people I know and you are wonderful parents to your beautiful kids . I also cried pretty hard while reading this post , like many others , and that 's because we love all four of you so much ! We 're all praying for you and we all love you . ( esp me ! ) What a sweet , beautiful boy . Clearly , he was too special , too perfect , to live on this earth . God must have loved him so much that he could not bare to be without him in heaven . Many blessings . - Keeley Farrell I found your blog through a friend 's , and I have been checking in on you ever since . I was so excited to read of your second pregnancy , and I loved the darling 27 week photo . My heart is breaking right now as I read of the loss of Kellen . I can 't imagine your fear while driving to the hospital and your pain the following days . You capture it so poignantly when you say that you just wanted to find a way to get to your children . I am so sorry for your losses , and I am praying for you daily . I am inspired by the strength of your marriage and the strength of your faith . You are truly amazing people . |
by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 8 Comments I am loving the rich and beautiful colors that are popping up at every store this fall season . The past few years , I have found my fashion must - haves through blogs . Even better ? When you can actually purchase the items you fall in love with through blogs . I try to make sure my fashion posts are something others can not only want to purchase themselves , but are items they can afford to . For me , the less expensive , the better . A great way to scope out new fall must - haves , is by checking out the SearsStyle Blog . There , you can find fashion tips from bloggers and the editor , as well as links to get the items you see ! The fashion bloggers give great tips on how to wear items . This is how I came across a must - have shirt on the SearsStyle Blog . It is a beautiful wine color with black lace on the sides . It did come with a necklace , but I am partial to wearing my " Harrison " necklace . That is what led me to stop by Sear 's , and pick out 2 cute new outfits for fall . I paired this with a pair of cute black skinny jeans . I know the black jeans will get a lot of wear this winter , and they weren 't even $ 20 ! The best part ? The total for both outfits was under $ 60 . Two full outfits , $ 60 . Heck yes . I love being able to find a great fall look for less ! To be honest , I haven 't shopped at Sear 's in years . But I had my arms full of items to try on in no time . Not only that , they had really cute jewelry and adorable shoes . Besides grabbing the lace trimmed top , I instantly snatched up a pair of red jeans . I spent a lot of time looking for a pair last winter , and never came across ones that fit me quite right ( ah , short girl probs ) . These fit great , and although they are skinny jeans , they fit better than the legging styles I tried to squeeze into all last year . I topped my new red pants off with a cute , black button - up top . Two great fall looks , for less than $ 60 and easily found on the Sears Style Blog . Plus , with Sears Shop Your Way rewards , I am going to be saving even more ! That is fall fashion I love ! by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 3 Comments You know what I find not fun ? Dating . I don 't understand how people just go out and meet someone . " Oh , we just ran into each other at the gym . " I look disgusting at the gym . No one wants to date me if they saw me there . Unless they are attracted to drowned rats . Or , " the grocery store is a great place to pick up guys ! " . Right , because nothing spells love at first sight like seeing someone with a three year old in a cart who is probably yelling about getting a cookie , with a frazzled looking mom is trying to find the grocery list she left on the counter while getting to the bakery at lightening speed for the free cookie . Once the free cookie is picked up she has approximately 8 minutes to get all her shopping done before the cookie is gone . Ain 't nobody got time to be picking up men . So , when Match . com gave me the opportunity to interview their relationship expert , Whitney Casey , I jumped at the chance . I can use all the advice I can get ! Plus , I have learned that as a full - time single parent , online dating is really the only way to meet eligible men . I came up with some questions I have been curious about when it comes to online dating , and she gave some great tips : Yes ! Match . com is the world 's largest dating company , bringing together over 1 . 9 MM paid subscribers on the site . With those sheer numbers , it 's no wonder that Match is responsible for more dates , more relationships , and more relationships than any other site . Our site offers a diverse group of people from all over the country that are serious about finding a relationship , and single parents who online date have more success with finding relationships than those who don 't . About 1 / 3 of our members between the ages of 23 - 50 are single parents , and we 've seen a 180 % increase in single parents joining Match . com over the last four years . In addition to the number of single parents we have using the site , over 2 / 3 of men are interested in dating a single mom ( 67 % ) . There 's a great pool of people and potential dates who can relate to your situation hoping to connect online . That 's the great thing about Match , it 's a straightforward process when creating your profile and entering details about you , your life , and who you are looking for : Along with your basic details like age , where you 're searching , and your ethnicity , there are two fields related to children : " Have Kids " and " Want Kids . " This makes it easy for potential matches who come across your profile to get a good grasp of your life circumstances and situations like children BEFORE making contact . And don 't think being a single parent is a turn off - over 2 / 3 of men are interested in dating a single mom ( 67 % ) ! At the end of the day , this is about you trying to connect with someone - not your kids . As difficult as it might be for you , keep the majority of your profile photos of just you - including headshots and a full body photo - and also incorporate photos of activities , interests and travel that show off who you are . And if one or two of those photos involve you and your kids , that 's great ! REAL : Your profile picture is crucial - make sure you keep it real . No photo - shopping . No cropping . And most importantly , it should look like you would on your first date with someone ! No sunglasses , action shots , group photos or animals . This is your first chance to make a good impression ! RELEVANT : Your profile should be well thought out and reflective of you … but not a novel . Keep the " about me " section clean and bulleted or numbered . Think simple , write simple . When looking at that section think : What are your best attributes , what do you like to do , and what you like in a man . RECENT : You are more likely to be included in more searches by single men if you consistently update your profile . Add new pics if you have recently been on a trip , change your dating headline like you would change your Facebook status , if you like a new book or movie … talk about it . This gives men something to email you about . Remember men are action oriented … give them something to take action on ! That makes me a lot more confident in putting myself out there with online dating . Knowing that there are that many single parents on Match , makes me feel better . I thought I would be one of the only single parents on there ! Plus , 67 % of Match 's men said they would be willing to date a single mom . I have always wondered if I chould include pictures with my son or not , or if I should talk about him in the profile . After reading Whitney 's advice , I feel much more comfortable about what I should say in my profile to attract some potential guys . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 3 Comments Having the medical scare with HJ is an experience that taught me a lot in a short time . It made me experience feelings and emotions I would never wish upon anyone . It made me see the good in people . It made me realize what could have been , and it made me put a new perspective in place . The saying " God doesn 't give us more than we can handle " kept going through my head . I kept telling God that I was about to break and I couldn 't handle much more . Did God know that I couldn 't handle more ? Why do so many people never even have to go through such a scare ? And then I think , but why does he think those other parents can handle it ? The ones that I was afraid to make eye contact with in the lounge ? Are they stronger ? Or do they feel broken ? I was afraid of becoming one of them . I didn 't want the hospital to be our home away from home . I didn 't want other people to feel sorry for me , but at the same time be grateful it wasn 't them . There is no feeling like the one when you can 't help your child . When what is going on isn 't up to you . When you aren 't in control of what is going on . I kept thinking what a bitch Karma is . I feel like I know so many people who seem to have everything go their way . I also know some people where things haven 't gone their way . And they are good people . I like to think I am a good person , and that at some point things will turn around . And then I think maybe this was my good karma . But at the same time , no one deserves to have bad things happen to them , so why do they ? I always remind myself everyone is fighting their own battle . Someone might seem like everything in their life is perfect , but you don 't know what happens behind closed doors . And you don 't know what inner demons people deal with . I had so many people reach out to me . At first , I was annoyed at the huge amount of friend requests I got on facebook after posting a status on HJ and that he needed positive vibes . It made me think they were being nosy . Then I realized , even if they are being nosy , it 's because they are worried . They were thinking about my baby , and hoping for the best . Hundreds of people were thinking about my little guy and hoping he would be ok . Facebook had another annoyance . While I am praying that my son will be okay and sitting in a hospital room , people were making posts about how horrible their lives were . Because Starbuck 's got their order wrong , because it was raining , because their kid refused to go to bed . And it put things into perspective . I would have loved for those to have been my biggest issues at that moment . I wonder if they realized how petty their annoyances seemed to me . And I wonder how petty my biggest issue seemed to the parent across the hall , who appeared to be living there . It has made me a more patient and appreciative mother . I hope this stays with me and doesn 't fade away . I haven 't been as irritated or short with HJ . I KNOW he always moves slow , and I am planning better for it instead of getting in an argument every time we need to leave . And you know what ? Most 3 year olds do this . So instead of being frustrated , I should help him . Help him learn how to get ready himself like he is trying to do . I have been smiling and loving these moments . He is so determined to do everything himself , and I am lucky he is able to try . I have tried so hard to get him to stay in his own bed all night , but I love waking up and seeing that this cute little guy has crawled into bed with me yet again . He thinks my bed is warm and cozy , because I am there . Who can argue with that ? I am so relieved that my boy is okay . I am so happy I only dealt with this fear for 36 hours . I hope it gives me a new appreciation for how lucky and blessed our lives are . And that I hold onto this feeling . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 9 Comments About mid - morning , we were told HJ was to head to get a bone scan . They wanted to look beyond just the leg , to make sure whatever was there wasn 't elsewhere . HJ wanted to ride in his racecar , with a nurse pushing his IV , myself pushing the car and my mom and sister joining in . Partway through the Children 's Hospital , we noticed Herky the Hawk was standing at the check - in desk . Everyone was excited to see him , so it seemed . I knew that HJ really doesn 't like costumed mascots , and tried warning everyone . I suggested walking by . I frantically looked at Herky hoping he would get the hint . HJ sat in his race car , stone faced . I knew he was getting ticked . For some reason , this encouraged Herky to get down by the car . The nurse said to get a picture as HJ decided to get the hell out of there . He broke free of the racecar , tugging at his IV . He started bawling , and freaking out . He was clinging to me , and upset as can be . And then we were supposed to make him lay on an x - ray table . The very thing that caused his first melt down the day before . He was still sobbing when we got to the lab . He took one look at the table and tried making a break for it . I was asked to hold him down as they tried to get some pictures . They started about shoulder level . By the time they had made it to his waist , not only was he still freaking out , but he was in desperate need of a bathroom . Taking in IV fluids throughout the night made him have to go REAL bad . They handed me a urinal and told him to go right there . The kid who usually can 't go to the bathroom anywhere in public was told to pee in a cup I was holding while standing by this machine he despised and desperately wanted away from . They finally showed me the closest bathroom , and we made it inside just in time for HJ to pull his pants down and pee . All over himself , the floor and me . We hadn 't made it to the toilet . So now , we are in a teeny , tiny bathroom . HJ , myself , a ridiculously large IV stand , and we are standing in pee . I clWe made it back to the room and were told the MRI had been scheduled for 2 : 30 , someone would be up around 1 : 30 to bring us down . HJ still hadn 't eaten or drank anything . Luckily , he wasn 't complaining . My sister and her husband convinced me to go to the cafeteria with them . I finished up a coffee , and ate some food , but couldn 't stand being in the cafeteria while my baby sat upstairs . I made it back to the room and heard there had been a cracker that HJ found . Nana swooped in and crushed it in his hand . He was less than thrilled with her . We went back to the playroom , distracted him by bringing toys into the room and put in a movie . I was laying in the bed with HJ when we were told it was time to go to the MRI . For the MRI , HJ was going to be sedated . He was given an iv with the " stuff " to put him to sleep , and he got to lay in my arms while this happened . Once he was out , I laid him on the bed and gave him about a zillion kisses before heading back to the room . We were told it would take about 30 minutes to an hour . After about 45 minutes , I was asking for my baby . That is when the oncologist walked in the room . Without HJ . My heart dropped to the floor and I jumped up . That is when she said that words that I had been needing to hear for 24 hours . The mass on his knee was benign . The images from the bone scan showed clearly what it was . It 's official label is an occeous lesion of the left femur . The lesion is a benign cortical desmoid . I cried again , but tears of joy . I hugged the oncologist . It was what I had been hoping for , nothing . She said this was found through the bone scan and the MRI had yet to be read , but as of this moment , we were going to check out that day . Once HJ got back to the room , woke up and had something to eat , we would be free to go . I packed our bags instantly . The orthopedic team came in shortly after and shared the good news again . They said we would just need to have imaging follow - up , but otherwise , we were free to go . The nurse came in and gave us our check - out paperwork and said once HJ was back in the room , we would just have to wait a bit . A little later , sleeping HJ was brought back into the room . The anesthesiologist mentioned he woke up right before the end of the procedure , so they had to give him another dose . He would be sleeping for a while longer . My family waited patiently , but after a while my sister and her husband had to leave to get home . My mom and I sat and waited . And waited . Poor boy was tired . My mom left for a bit to do a few things , and as she did the orthopedic doctor came back in . It turned out the MRI did show something else . HJ had fluid in his hip . This meant they might be doing testing tomorrow and we were no longer checking out . The important thing is HJ is fine , we just needed to figure out this next step . Eventually the doctor came back in and said that HJ had something called Toxic Synovitis . Basically , an infection that had not left his body ( most likely a sinus infection a few weeks before ) had caused the infection . Instead of me rambling on how I interpreted it , here is some info : Toxic synovitis , also known as transient synovitis , is the most common cause of hip pain in children . It is caused by a viral infection that sometimes ( but not always ) settles in the hip - joint . The virus causes swelling at the hip - joint , which makes walking painful . Usually just one hip is affected . But later on , the virus can pass to the other hip . Apparently , there is a nerve that goes from your hip to the knee . This pain is what caused them to x - ray the knee . It was by chance that the lesion in his knee was even found . Had he not had the infection , this could have gone unnoticed . Toxic Synovitis can turn bacterial . In that case , they have to do a surgery to release the infected fluid . I had to watch for fever , redness or pain . HJ 's pain was getting less and less , so they felt it would stay viral . Now I just needed HJ to wake up . The doctor tried before leaving . We tempted him with his dinner that had arrived . Finally , I grabbed one of his cookies to enjoy while we waited . While I was unwrapping the cookie , he opened his eyes , said , " THAT IS MINE " , grabbed the cookie and fell back asleep . I got to share the good news that we could go home . A nurse came in to give us new discharge paperwork and a prescription for the pain . A doctor came and gave him his final check - up , and he insisted on making a last stop in the play room . On this last trip , he got out of his racecar and said , " MOM WATCH ! " and he ran 4 steps . I about cried of happiness seeing how much better he was then the night before , and at how relived I was with our situation . HJ had a follow - up after 4 days with the orthopedic team , and all went well . He doesn 't have to see them again until November . He has a follow - up with the oncologists in a few weeks . HJ still has memories of the shot in his arm and getting pictures of his bones . Things he really doesn 't want to have to do again . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 2 Comments " Through the blur , I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way . The emotions , whether they were joy , sorrow , love or pride , were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw , exposed and yes , in pain . The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet , each child represented just that - a parent 's heart bared , beating forever outside its chest . " We arrived at the University of Iowa Hospital around 4 : 30 pm . My mom pulled us up to the main entrance , and I pushed HJ in his stroller as he clung to his giraffe . I approached the main desk and the lady asked me where I needed to go . I opened my mouth and said , " 3JC West " and then tears streamed down my face . It was obvious the lady had this happen a time or two and she pushed Kleenex towards me and grabbed a map . She told me to go left , to elevator H , and take a left after that . HJ got excited about going to the H elevator and I took a deep breath and pushed forward . I pulled myself together during the walk , and thought I was under control when we stepped off the elevator . I took a left and walked . And walked . And realized I was coming to an end . Frustrated , I looked at my map and turned in a circle . A young women approached me and asked if I needed help . I told her I was supposed to go to 3JC west and she said I had already walked by the pediatric hospital check - in . This threw me for a loop . I didn 't realize I was checking him in . I don 't know what I thought , but I was certain my baby wasn 't supposed to be checked - in . It was just an appointment . And the tears came again . She walked me to the check - in and let the nurse know I was there . The nurse had been expecting us and told us to follow her . She walked us to a bank of doors . They closed behind us and opened to another bank of doors . We were in the isolation area of the children 's hospital . She led us to a room and told us we were lucky to get such a big room . I snickered at the thought of luck . And noticed the rooms around my son 's were decorated with signs , names and items that showed the patients behind those doors had been there for quite some time . I was answering some questions when my sister and her family walked in , followed by my mom . My dad arrived shortly after , and the room was crowded . I was grateful for all the support . HJ was so excited everyone was there to see him , and thought it was great fun . The first round of nurses came in and talked for a bit . Then the first round of doctors . The doctors goofed around with HJ and warned him the nurses were mean . They played with his giraffe and offered him stickers . Then the nurses wanted to draw blood and start an IV . The first vein blew . Then the second . HJ was screaming and crying . The third vein wasn 't good . They told me his veins were fragile . The fourth and final attempt , I don 't even know what happened . I was trying to distract HJ , but I heard the nurses cursing and laughing . One ran to the sink to grab paper towels and I noticed blood all over the floor . My sister 's face had turned white and she told me not to look . Somehow , the IV got in , and they drew the blood they needed , but there was blood all over , HJ was upset , he needed the sheets changed from all the blood and once again , I felt out of control and broken . We were finally able to place an order for food , and while we waited , another doctor walked in as I laid next to HJ . She introduced herself and told me she was the oncologist . She mentioned that she didn 't feel the CT was good quality and we would learn more from a bone scan and MRI . She was going to wait for the blood work up , and if that showed an infection , they would immediately start antibiotic . If not , we would wait until the next day . THE NEXT DAY . That meant we were staying over night . The food came , and HJ thought it was awesome being fed every bite from his aunt while he laid in bed . The nurses switched shifts , and HJ immediately liked his new nurse , Laura . The oncologist came back in and showed us the blood results . Everything was normal , and I could breathe a little . But , just a little . HJ asked to go to the play room and was so excited when the nurse showed him how he could travel , by a race car . We played for a bit , and seeing HJ liven up a little and be giggle - y helped me calm down . He would be fine . He had to be fine . We made it back to the room and said goodbye to the family . HJ wanted me to sleep in the hospital bed with him , and of course , I was willing . I snuggled up to my little boy while praying that everything would be okay . About an hour later the nurse checked on him . He stayed asleep . At 1 : 45 I woke up . I was wide awake . There was no calming my anxiety . I paced the room and checked my phone . The nurse came in and out a few more times . I tried laying back down knowing my mental state would be much better if I had some rest . That just made me more anxious . By 5 : 30 , I gave up on sleep and jumped in the shower . HJ got up at 6 : 30 and was ready to play . He showed me he could straighten his leg a little and even stood up with a little help . I prayed that was a glimmer of good things , but it did little to ease my mind . The nurse came in and let me know that tests still hadn 't been set up yet , but she knew he would be sedated for an MRI . I watched as she moved HJ 's IV so he could ride in the car to the play room , and I had to excuse myself . I sat in the bathroom with tears flowing down my face and wondered how everything changed in the blink of an eye . The wonderful nurse snuck in and said she would take HJ to the play room while I tried to pull myself together a bit . I got the crying under control , and called his school to let them know he would be gone for the day . His teacher 's voice wavered as she offered me encouraging words . Hearing the crack in her voice made the tears start again . I don 't know how some people can stay so strong in these situations . I am not one of them . I wanted to be strong for my son . But I wasn 't . He was the one offering me encouragement and patting me on the back . I remember seeing other mom 's walking the halls . They all had the same vacant expression I know I was wearing . I saw 2 other moms break down in the hall . Their tears brought mine back . I don 't know what they were going through or what news they heard . But I know that they probably felt just as helpless as I did . Back in the room , the oncologist came to talk . She was leaning towards a diagnosis of LCH . She was quite certain it was LCH , like 90 % . The other 10 % was cancer . I felt weird thinking , yes , let 's hope for LCH . But she described it in such a way , it felt manageable . Until I googled it . If you are ever in the hospital and the doctor gives you a " it might be … " scenario , NEVER google it . Promise me . Not only did it freak me out , but NONE of the signs lined up with my son . His came on sudden , seemingly overnight . He was running one night , and the next morning , couldn 't put weight on his leg . Otherwise he felt fine . Blood levels were fine . While I was busy panicking and most likely crying , the orthopedic team came in . When I told him what the oncologist had said , he shot back with a , " WHAT ? ! ? ! That is so rare , I don 't know why she would say that . That is not something to lean towards at all . " Last Wednesday , HJ and I were going to have lots of fun . My last day of work had been Tuesday , and I was taking the rest of the week off before starting my new job . We had plans to run a few errands in the morning , and slip n ' slide the afternoon away . I was looking forward to relaxing and hanging out with HJ before starting this new chapter in our lives . I woke up at 6 : 15am to HJ opening his bedroom door . He usually climbs into my bed and falls asleep for another hour or two . I remember he was kind of whining on his way in and took a really long time to actually get in the bed , but he did , and we fell back asleep . Around 7 : 15 , I got up to get coffee and started picking through my box of things from my old office . I thought it was weird HJ hadn 't come out of bed , but maybe he was tired . I went back to check on him and asked why he was just sitting there . He told me his legs were sleeping . I figured he slept weird on them or just wasn 't ready to get up , so I checked some emails , took care of the dog and came back to the room . He still insisted that his left leg hurt . I warmed up a rice bag and told him it was medicine . I said once it was cool , that his leg would be better . I jumped in the shower , and got ready . I went to take the bag off his leg and he told me the medicine wasn 't working yet . I was getting a little worried . By this time we had been up for well over an hour , and he hadn 't moved . I told him I was going to put my purse in the car , and if he wasn 't able to stand when I came back , he would have to go to the doctor . I thought that might break him of this funk . I got him in the car while he howled in pain and I drove to the Urgent Care close to our house . I had no idea what could have happened . The night before he had been running through the sprinkler and chasing kids around the house . And now he couldn 't stand . We met with the doctor and he seemed fairly confident HJ had injured his leg the night before , and it just swelled up over night . He recommended Tylenol , and a wrap , but wanted to take an x - ray just to be certain . HJ was decent through the x - rays , but I could tell he was in a lot of pain . He couldn 't straighten his leg well , and this made it difficult . The x - ray tech came back in and said the doctor wanted a few more pictures . I felt my heart drop . I know what that means . They saw something . This time , the x = - ray was hard to do . He was in a lot of pain and did not want to cooperate . I had to physically pin him down while he wailed . It was awful . I felt horrible . And I was so scared . We went back to the room and sat down . Within a few minutes , the doctor came in . He mentioned there was " something " in the x - ray . He wanted us to get a CT , and the nurse was working on the referral . Meanwhile , he wanted to go over what they were looking for . A tumor . Possibly cancer . And they needed to rule it out . Tears streamed down my face as he offered to let HJ sit with the nurses while I call someone . He suggested I have someone with me during the CT for support . He let me know he was hoping for the best . I just couldn 't believe what was happening . We were called into the office to get the CT , my mom had to wait in the waiting room while I took HJ back by myself . He saw the table similar to the x - ray machine and freaked . The techs tried calming him down with stickers and I was showing him pictures on my phone . But we couldn 't get him to hold still . He is 3 and scared . He thought they were trying to kill him . He wanted out . After a few attempts , they said they think they got enough and put HJ , my mom and myself in a private room with a phone so the doctor could call me . I call HJ 's pediatrician , who instantly called the other doctor . I was told the CT scan was being reviewed by someone else , a specialist , after the first reviewer asked for a 2nd opinion . I knew a 2nd opinion meant there was something there . If it was fine , you don 't need 2 people to look it over . I asked the doctor if he should head to the hospital in Iowa City ( the best in the state ) , he said it was a possibility . The pediatrician told me to go home and wait for a few minutes , but let me know they were thinking about sending us to the University of Iowa Children 's Hospital . On the way out of the building , one of the techs followed us out . She said that sometimes they just need second opinions and it didn 't necessarily mean anything . I asked her if she thought I should just go home and start packing for the trip to Iowa City . She said to wait , but hesitated . I got my baby home and made sure he was as comfortable as possible on the couch . And the phone rang . HJ 's pediatrician said he had a referral for us to go to Iowa City and to get there as soon as we could . I started throwing things in a bag while my mom ran to pick up the CT images from the clinic . I couldn 't believe what was happening . Less than 18 hours before my child was running down the street and now I was taking him to a Children 's Hospital . I would like to say I was staying strong for my son , but I wasn 't . I was a mess . I was confused . I was more terrified then I had ever been in my life . I couldn 't hold it together . The hour and a half drive seemed to take forever . I drove part of the way , I needed to keep distracted . After a while , I asked my mom to drive . I had tons of missed calls and numerous texts asking what was going on after I posted a facebook request for prayers . I talked to a few friends and updated everyone else over facebook . I couldn 't stand to tell the story over and over . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 2 Comments I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective . The content and opinions expressed here are all my own and are not indicative of the opinions or positions of General Mills . Compensation was provided by General Mills via Clever Girls Collective . Working full - time , outside of the house , means dinner needs to be something that I can whip together . By the time I pick HJ up from school and get home , I have 30 - 45 minutes before my child will just absolutely die of hunger . And on top of that , who wants to work all day and come home to spend an hour or two in the kitchen ? Not me . I threw the soup , veggies and chicken in a saucepan until it boiled . I made sure it boiled a couple of minutes , because this helps to cook the biscuits on top and make sure they aren 't doughy . Once it was good and boiling , I poured it into an ungreased 13 × 9 baking dish . Then , I opened up the biscuits and cut them in half length - wise . I placed the biscuits on top of the mixture , and threw it in the oven for about 18 minutes at 375 degrees . If you are looking for a new and simple dinner recipe , check out this booklet from Pillsbury . I have a feeling HJ will love the Pepperoni Pizza Bake . Which one will you be trying ? Any easy week night recipes you love ? I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective . The content and opinions expressed here are all my own and are not indicative of the opinions or positions of General Mills . Compensation was provided by General Mills via Clever Girls Collective . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 2 Comments I don 't have my usual Friday post . I had nothing prepared when this week happened . I had an experience I wish upon no parent . I hope to God I never have to go through it again . If you follow me on twitter , instagram or facebook , you saw some of this . Today I am just trying to breathe and focus . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 3 Comments HJ 's name is Harrison James . I love it . It fits him perfect . It is after my grandpa " Harry " and my dad " James " . The fact that it is family names makes it so meaningful . So no , I wasn 't a huge Indiana Jones fan , and it isn 't after Harrison Ford . The first time the name crossed my radar was about a month before I knew I was pregnant . Which means , I was pregnant at the time . I had the TV on , and the credits from some kid movie were on . I saw the name Harrison flash across the screen , and thought it was cute . I told myself it would be a great way to honor my grandparents and made a mental note to remember it . Originally , I liked Logan or Harrison . However , that week I looked at the " new additions " section of the paper and there were 3 Logan 's born that week alone . I knew I wanted a name that was a little unique , yet everyone could pronounce or spell it . The final list was Bennett , Nolan or Harrison . Bennett almost won due to its meaning ( little blessed one ) . But with the family meaning thrown in , Harrison always led the pack . It was cute . Boy - like . I didn 't know any Masons . But I also had no idea why I suddenly changed my mind . It just seemed overwhelming to be in charge of naming a baby . For its WHOLE LIFE . That 's some scary stuff . My own name was picked by my parents who heard the name being called out on a ski - slope in Colorado . I have a feeling they were drinking at the time , so thank God it was a normal name they overheard . Rumor has it I was born 9 months later . by sliceofmudpie @ gmail . com ⋅ 8 Comments Fall , by far , is my favorite season . There is just something about snuggling up with a sweatshirt on , a chill in the air and leaves changing colors . This past weekend , in an effort to bring fall to Iowa , I made my kitchen into a fall baking zone . To start off the day , I began to prepare yummy , fall - y , Crockpot Hot Apple Cider with Mott 's Apple Juice . The cupcakes were made using a box of Spice Cake Mix , adding in a can of pumpkin ( not pumpkin pie filling , but pumpkin , talk about leaving me flabbergasted in the aisle , why are there both ? What 's the difference ? ) . Here is the easy recipe to get some tasty , dense cupcakes : Once the cupcakes had cooled and the kitchen smelled like apple cinnamon bliss , the fun part arrived . I pulled out the Fall M & M 's and parchment paper . In a plastic Ziploc baggie , I melted chocolate chips , and cut off the corner ( just a super , small piece ! ) . I then started making M & M bugs , using the M & M 's as the body and drawing on the creepy crawly legs . My favorite cupcakes were M & M Mummies . I stuck 2 M & Ms on the cupcakes as eyes , using the frosting as glue . I put the cream cheese frosting in a plastic bag and put a decorator tip on . I made criss - cross stripes around the eyes to give it a wrapped look . Those were clearly the easiest : ) . I used a store brand container of Cream Cheese Frosting for all of the cupcakes , but you could use plain vanilla as well . The cupcakes turned out both scrumptious and creepy ! What are some of your favorite fall recipes ? Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
This morning there is one ant crawling along the window sill . It is carrying something , but I can 't tell what it is . It could be a crumb , but I don 't eat in my room ( Mother would have a fit ) and I don 't know why it would take the long way around from the kitchen . Now it looks more like a piece of dead leaf , but I don 't know where that would come from either , or why an ant would be carrying it across the window sill next to my bed at six - thirty in the morning in the middle of summer . When I first saw it , it looked like one of those at - the - edge - of - your - eye things that aren 't really there when you look at them , although they may really be there when you don 't look . Maybe the world is full of little , fast - moving clutter that just pulls back from view whenever you try to see it straight on . At first I thought I had caught a bit of it off guard - maybe it thought I still had my eyes closed - but , no , it 's just an ant carrying something bigger than it is . It sure looks silly , at any rate . The surface area of that thing it 's carrying is much greater than the surface area of its back , maybe greater even than that of its whole body . I can 't reckon it though . I don 't know about curves yet , and I guess you 'd have to count the legs too . It is weaving from side to side as if it will topple over any minute . I saw a female impersonator on TV the other night wearing a huge hat covered with bright fruit , his head wagging from side to side as he lurched around all angles and edges on high heels . I wasn 't fooled for a minute , but my parents changed the station . They always act as if weirdness is something you can catch the way you catch a cold . Real females don 't move like that . My mother doesn 't move like that . My sister Esther at college doesn 't move like that . And my sister Louise , well , she moves like a slow , shining river . Louise is almost three years older than I am and she used to be my best friend in the world . It 's not that we 're not friends anymore , but something happened , I don 't exactly know what . A couple of years ago when Esther went away to college , Louise started acting funny . She never wanted to sneak out at night to look for glow - worms or stay up late to watch horror movies on TV or go to the swimming pool or play Mastermind or chess or cards or anything . Then she started hanging around with the people we used to make fun of at the swimming pool - silly cow - faced girls with big hair and hulking tree - trunk - necked boys who always fool with their hair when they get out of their cars . They always smell to high heaven , too . Wilson Dupree and I went into Max 's Drugstore one day and smelled men 's cologne and felt sick and made a pact never ever to go around smelling and making people 's brothers sick . Then Mother and Dad began to refer to Louise as " she " all the time , as if they couldn 't say her name anymore , and every time they talked to Louise they 'd tell her that Esther was an A student no matter how many parties she went to . I don 't see what Esther has to do with Louise , but Mother and Dad said this all the time , and I don 't blame Louise for not eating dinner with us anymore . I just miss her jokes , and dinners are dull without her . Also , when Louise is not there Dad just won 't shut up about how happy I would be if I were on the baseball team , but that is not Louise 's fault . I hardly ever see Louise anymore , and when she is here she 's either getting ready to go out on a date with old Richard Whitcomb , who went to college last year and acts like the whole world ought to worship him , or she 's hanging out with her best friend , Jolynda Behrhard , who is the most popular girl in Louise 's grade . I don 't know why , because Jolynda Behrhard has squinty pig 's eyes , never looks straight at you , and walks as if she 's made out of cardboard . She and old Richard are the latest part of what I don 't understand about what happened to Louise when Esther went away to college . Something happened last night . I saw it from the other window across my room where the sun is coming in now and beginning to make a hot spot on the floor . If it were winter I would get up to let Rupert the Cat in ( Louise , who does as she pleases , always says Rupert THE Cat ) because he likes to lie there , probably dreaming about snack - size birds . But if it were winter , I would have to get up anyway to get ready for school , which I like a great deal more than I let on . Next year I 'll be in the eighth grade . I hate winter . It 's better to have the sun up before you get up and to lie in bed like this with just the sheets on you . From the other window , I can see the back door and I can see across the yard to the part of the house where Louise 's room is . One time we got a long , long thick string and some tin cans and tried to make a telephone from her room to mine across the yard , but we had to shout and all you could hear was a kind of buzz . My bed used to be next to that window , and Louise and I used to pull our curtains back and wave to one another before we turned the lights out to go to sleep . About three years ago Dad put a floodlight on the area between my room and Louise 's . He and Mother said it was because there were reports of burglars in the area , but Louise said it was to keep Esther from kissing her dates goodnight . I had to move my bed to the opposite window to keep the light from shining in my eyes at night . I keep my tennis racket under my bed just in case the burglars come , but I know they won 't . Occasionally somebody runs over someone 's dog or cat , or some kid gets lost in the woods , but those are the only bad things , short of death or divorce , as Dad would say , that ever happen here . The window was how I saw it happen last night , that 's all . Louise started going out with Richard Whitcomb in the spring , and this time was different from the times she went out with Wilson Dupree 's brother Earnest or with Teddy O ' Hare or Jack Klinker . This time she was always ready before old Richard got here , even though she 'd sometimes take an extra minute or two to refasten a sandal strap or a barrette . She always asks me how she looks . I asked her why she didn 't ask Mother or Dad , but she said I 'm a boy and I know better than they do and I 'm her brother too and won 't lie to her . But she always looks good , even when she 's not dressing up special . " You look good , Louise , " I always say to her , except for that time she wore those ankle socks with lace on them . I don 't care what she says about girls in New York ; those socks made her look like Minnie Mouse and I said , " Louise , we are not in New York . " She 's always been ready before old Richard gets here and she always looks good , but those aren 't the things that get me . It 's that when she meets him at the door she has that look about her that she has when she comes up from the water after a deep dive in the public swimming pool , as if she 's been in a secret , cold place and has just been let out into light and air . It 's not anything anybody would notice really - she just leans forward a little bit and her eyes look darker , as if she were waiting to hear or see something that would make the sun come up . When we used to spend every day of the summer together , we would go underwater at the pool and try to talk to one another , but it was like that time with the tin - can - string telephone : we could hear something but we couldn 't understand it . At the pool , her shoulders glistened and drops of water made little sparks of light in her eyelashes when she came up to guess what I 'd said or to make me guess what she said . It was always something stupid like " antelope " or " you have B . O . " or " catch me if you can . " But when you do something with Louise , it never seems stupid at the time . Last summer I went to the pool a few times with Louise - I guess she felt bad about never going anywhere with me anymore - but she didn 't want to play any of the old games . She splashed me occasionally in a half - hearted way , and she pushed me in once , but she was always talking to some boy or one of her girlfriends . Jolynda Behrhard doesn 't go to the pool because she has cheerleader practice . I don 't know if Louise has ever been swimming with old Richard . His college is only fifteen miles away and he probably has football practice every day or something like that . When he picks Louise up he always says " Yes , Ma ' am " to my mother and " Yes , Sir " to my father until I want to hit him . He promises to have Louise back by midnight and to drive carefully and they walk off together not saying much , though I sometimes hear her laugh before they drive away . Maybe he tells her jokes . I try to listen , to see if it 's the same laugh she used to laugh with me , but laughter is like thundershowers - it never lasts long enough to think about it while you 're hearing it because it won 't be still . She always tells me about what movie they saw or what concert they went to . We used to go to matinees on Saturdays together , but we never do anymore . Now I sometimes go to movies with Wilson , who doesn 't have any sisters . I punched him good once when he asked if we could sneak into Esther 's and Louise 's rooms and look around , but we are still friends and his mother lets him use the whole basement of their house for a laboratory . Wilson and I have ordered a cat to dissect this summer , but it is taking forever to get here , even though it 's supposed to come Special Delivery . It 's not the same going to movies with Wilson - he doesn 't like Juju Fruits and he doesn 't laugh very much . Louise laughed when I asked her if she and Richard eat Juju Fruits when they watch movies . Sometimes I lie in bed thinking about Louise and Richard sitting dark and cold in the moviehouse watching movies and I hope that Louise took a sweater with her because it always gets cold . It is good to lie here before anyone is up . The ant has disappeared to the secret place where ants go . The numbers on the digital clock that Dad gave me for Christmas are sneaking off to that secret place where they go . I like to close my eyes when they change so that when I open them they 've already changed . It is a terrible thing to imagine time between its moments . I try to think about time , but all I get are numbers . Esther told me once that there are numbers that no one ever anywhere could get to the end of , not a million someones in a million years . Sometimes before I go to sleep at night I think about those numbers going on and on even while we sleep , even before we were born or after we are not here anymore . But then I think that it 's not the numbers that go on and on - it 's we who would have to go on and on if we spoke them or wrote them down or thought about them . I asked Esther why they were there at all and she said , " They 're not really there . Just you wait . " I asked her what good they were if we couldn 't get to the end of them and she said , " Think about it . " That 's Esther : you can 't get a straight answer out of her for all the world . I can 't imagine what things would be like if we were not here . Sometimes when Rupert the Cat is riding on my shoulder - he likes to do that as much as he likes to lie in the sun in winter - I think about the Special Delivery Cat , and I hope it doesn 't look anything like Rupert when it gets here . When Rupert the cat and the Special Delivery Cat come together in my mind , my throat hurts like I 'm going to cry or something . I try to put something between the picture of Rupert and the picture of the Special Delivery cat in my mind so that they will not be like one another ever , but the only thing I can think of to put there is one of those numbers that just go on and on , and you can 't really put something somewhere unless you can get to the end of it . I think Louise may have smoked cigarettes or something once when she was out with Richard . She smelled funny one night when she got home . I was up late watching " The Fall of the House of Usher " on TV , but the movie 's not near as scary as the story . I don 't know what got into me . First I started screaming at Louise that she 'd better not be smoking cigarettes when she was out with Richard Whitcomb . And then I screamed at her that I didn 't want her to go away and that I couldn 't stand it if she died . The next thing I knew she had me down on the floor and was sitting on top of me with her hand clamped down hard over my mouth . " Shut up , Conrad , shut up , " she said . " You 'll wake them up . " Then she made the old monster face she used to make when we played Horror - Horror - Now - I 've - Got - You . We both started laughing so hard that we had to bite our lips and beat our fists on the floor . Dad came in blinking in his robe and said , " What in the hell ? " And Louise said , " It 's a scary movie . Sorry , Dad . " Then Dad said , " Well , I 'm glad you got in at a decent hour this time . " When he left we made popcorn and watched the rest of the movie . We didn 't talk about those things I said . I don 't know what got into me . It has become impossible to tell Louise anything , or maybe nobody has figured out the right way to tell her anything . Esther isn 't much better than our parents even if she is right about old Richard 's being a picture - brain . When Esther came home for a weekend earlier this summer , she said something that made Louise shout " Esther , you 're a snob ! " and slam her door and stay in her room for a long time not making a sound . Esther stood outside Louise 's door talking about how Richard probably just had to drag his stupid thick body to class to get his grades and how he had been known for his philanthropy around town and how somebody might as well have a conversation with a stick as talk to Richard Whitcomb . I was outside helping Mother set out some bright red geraniums and we heard everything Esther said . Finally , Mother threw her gardening gloves down on the ground and went inside . Then I heard another door slam and everything was quiet . I went over and looked in the window of Louise 's room . She was lying on her bed with a pillow over her head . When I went inside Mother was standing at the kitchen sink and drinking something . She looked at me and said , " Thank God you are not a girl . " And there was something I could have told Louise days and days ago about Richard 's philanthropy around town . Wilson and I were leaving the Canz Cinema one Saturday afternoon and old Richard drove by in his 280Z real slow - slow enough for me to see Jolynda Behrhard in the car with him and practically sitting on his lap . Wilson and I kicked the can around town a little while , then we went to the tennis courts and hit some balls , and then we went to his house to see if the Special Delivery cat had come yet . It wasn 't there and it was getting late anyway , so I went on home . I was planning to tell Louise . All the way home I said to myself , " Louise , your best friend and old Richard . " But I couldn 't get past that - I mean , what if old Jolynda 's seat in the car was just too hot to sit on or something ? And then Esther told me one time that people bearing bad news used to be killed afterwards . I know Louise wouldn 't kill me or anything like that , but she might get real mad . Anyhow , I was planning to tell Louise , but by the time I got home , she was already dressing to go out with Richard . And Jolynda Behrhard was there in Louise 's room smiling and giggling and telling Louise how good she looked and saying in that fakey sweet excited voice like she can 't catch her breath or something , " Lou - eese , can I borrow your pale green linen shirt ? It would look soooo good with my white jeans . " Jolynda is always borrowing Louise 's clothes and calling Louise up on the phone . I stood in the doorway of Louise 's room for a minute . Jolynda was sitting at Louise 's vanity table , looking at herself in the mirror and making kissy faces , blinking her squinty pig eyes , and putting Louise 's lipstick on . She turned toward me and pursed her lips up and said , " Nude Coral . Kees me , darling . " It made me want to puke . She and Louise started giggling and I turned to leave . As I was leaving , I heard Jolynda in that fakey voice of hers say , " Soooo , Loueese , how are things going with Richard Whitcomb ? " Just a few minutes before Richard came to pick Louise up , Jolynda left with an armful of Louise 's clothes and Louise 's favorite blue sandals . Mother and Dad have always told us that we should think as well of other people as we think of ourselves . A lot of good that 's done Louise . Anybody who talks fakey sweet and wears bright blue contact lenses just so her squinty pig eyes will be the bluest eyes in the whole high school shouldn 't be trusted . Even I know that . And even if that car seat was just too hot for Jolynda to sit on and she had to sit just about on top of Richard Whitcomb , and even if Louise would 've been real mad , I probably should have told her . I 've wanted to tell her for weeks , but I just couldn 't . Every time old Richard comes to pick her up she 's got that look about her . But maybe if I had told her , the thing that happened last night wouldn 't have happened . At seven o ' clock Louise was dressed and ready to go . She called me in to look at her dress . It was white with little lines of blue around the sleeves and the neck and she was wearing the lapis lazuli earrings that I saved my paper money all last year to give her for her birthday . " You look good , Louise , " I said . And she looked better than good too - standing all cool and long and golden in what was left of the sunlight in her room . But old Richard didn 't come and didn 't come . About every half hour or so I went back to her room . I wanted to ask her if she wanted to watch TV with me or play chess or something , but I couldn 't say anything . She didn 't close her door . She was just standing there , staring out the window that overlooks John 's Meadow . Even at nine - thirty when it was dark , she just stood there without any lights on . I was watching a " Star Trek " re - run when I saw Mother head back to Louise 's room . Then she passed by again . Then I saw Dad head back to Louise 's room . Then he came back and they stood in the kitchen whispering . I couldn 't tell what they were saying . It just sounded like one long , weird word : butshe . Before Mother and Dad went to bed , Mother stuck her head in the TV room where I was and said , " Richard Whitcomb 's not coming , " as if I could have done anything about it . I just looked at her and said , " Good night , Mother . " It was like it was a funeral or something , so I turned the TV off and came to my room . Before I got in bed I looked toward Louise 's room . It was still dark . I heard him drive up a little after eleven o ' clock and then I heard him knock softly on the back door . I got to the window just in time to see Louise open the door and step out . They stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes - close enough for me to see them but too far away to hear , though what with the air conditioner and the June bugs and crickets and bullfrogs , I don 't know if I could have heard them anyway . I think old Richard had been drinking . Whenever he moved his arms around he took a little step to the side as if to right his balance . I was glad to see that Louise had changed her clothes - he didn 't deserve that dress . For a long time they just stood there . I don 't think they were talking ; I think they were just looking at one another . Then he leaned toward her and moved as if to put his arm around her . That was when it happened : she drew back from him and slapped him hard across the face . He stood looking after her when she walked to the door . She didn 't walk fast , and she didn 't look back , not even for a second . Old Richard rubbed his jaw a little and took a few steps toward the door . Then he turned around and walked off to his car . I went over to the window next to my bed and watched him get in . There was somebody else in the car with him . I 'll bet you anything she was wearing Louise 's blue sandals . When I got to Louise she was leaning against the door and hitting it very slowly with her fists . I could tell she had been crying , but she wasn 't crying then . I don 't think she saw me at first . I went to Dad 's liquor cabinet and poured her a glass of whiskey . That 's what people in the movies always do and that 's what Mother did last year when her sister stayed with us before her divorce . I stood in front of her holding the glass out for her for a long time . When she took it , she drank it down all at once . Then she coughed a little bit , and then she laughed . We went back to her room and sat on her bed and played Gin . We hadn 't done that for longer than I can remember . I was glad she kept beating me and I was glad she told me all about the teachers I 'll have next year , because I guess she needed to get her mind off old Richard . We were on our second series of best three out of five and I was just about to Gin when she started to cry . I 've never seen her cry like that , all quiet and hardly moving at all . I put my arm around her until she stopped . She got in bed and I sat in a chair next to her until I was sure she was asleep . I hadn 't seen Louise asleep since we went camping three summers ago . I had forgotten how she puts both hands beneath her cheek , just like a little kid . I don 't guess I can expect her to be waiting for me this morning the way she used to - barefoot till Mother would make her put her sneakers on , with a pair of my old gym shorts on that she got through a trade for a Grateful Dead t - shirt that I still have , maybe still braiding her hair all wet and shining from the shower , or maybe trying to sneak past Mother without taking a shower at all . " Let 's go , Conrad , " she 'd say . When Esther used to go with us she 'd always say , " Come on Conrad , come on , " with her voice sliding up to a screech just like Mother 's . Esther was always nervous , as if her mind was somewhere else and we were just sand in her bathing suit or something . But Louise is different from anybody . " Let 's go , Conrad . " Just like that - calm , and matter - of - fact . We were always ready to go at the same time . I know she won 't be waiting for me like that this morning , but I hope she won 't keep staying in her room till noon . Even if she does , maybe this afternoon she 'll be going for a walk or something . She won 't ask me to go with her like she used to , but if I ask her , maybe she 'll let me go along . " Oh , all right , " she 'll say . And then she 'll turn away from me , kind of sudden - like , not as if she 's mad at me or as if she wants me to feel bad , but as if I 'm just another person there . When she turns away like that she 's like one lonesome bird , a raven maybe , or maybe a crane , suddenly flapping up all lonely and smooth from one tree to sail off and swoop down to settle in another tree . Why does a bird just sitting around fly from one tree to another ? Why does Louise ? And I will just follow along awhile until she starts turning back to me and pointing to trees whose names I don 't know yet and teasing me about my grades . And maybe she 'll laugh . You should hear Louise laugh . It 's really something . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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It was another hot Sunday at the peak of summer in Magica . The sun had begun to descend into the horizon , yet the heat it radiated was still unbearable for most people that they chose to stay indoors being lazy and doing nothing . No one ever thought that one act of innocence that afternoon would make the rest of the day one of the most horrible days in the history of Magica … " Romeo ? " the short boy called , terrified . He stopped midway in his effort to climb a root . He called again in panic . The lean boy answered , but the sound was weak and far he almost couldn 't catch the word . He went to the spot where he last seen his friend . Some of the ground was disappearing into a round hole . He approached carefully and knelt , peering into the dark hole . He saw the lean boy at the bottom of the hole , looking up at him . " Are you okay ? " he shouted into the hole . Romeo nodded and got up , dusting the sand , leaves , and anything falling down with him . He looked around at his surrounding curiously . It seemed he had fallen into a small wooden room . Most of the walls had been covered with moss and roots . There were only a mattress , a small table and a shelf on that room . The shelf was full with books , scrolls , parchments , jars , and other things , but like the rest of the furniture , all of them were covered in moss . He tried to check on the books when his friend called him again . Darren 's plump face was gone from the opening of the hole , letting the sun shone on the small room . Something at the bottom of the shelf reflected the light and made him squint . He squatted down at the same time Darren climbed down the roots to join him and took a small rectangular box from the shelf . He stood back with the box in his hand when Darren jumped and landed with a big thud beside him , making the small room felt smaller . The boy looked around and gasped . Romeo took a long look at the box . It had small hinges on one side but there was no keyhole or padlock . He tried to pry it open but it wouldn 't budge . He tried and tried to no avail . " You 're right , Romeo . Don 't you think there might be treasure within ? Here , let me try , " his friend took the box from his hand and tried to open it but it still wouldn 't budge . " It must be broken ! " Romeo turned back at the books and scrolls scattered on the table beside the mattress . He went to do what he wanted to back then before his friend called him , but , seeing the thick moss covered them all , he pulled back his hand in disgust . Turning around , he saw Darren raising the black box above his head to let the sunray piercing into the hole shone on it and observing it closely . Romeo gave a loud gasp . " What 's wrong ? " Darren lowered his hand and the box was shielded in the shadow of the room . Romeo caught his friend 's hand and shoved it under the sunray . Darren looked terrified . " Wh - what , Romeo ? " " There are words written there ! " he exclaimed . The sun ray revealed a thin line of words encircling the black box . Romeo was pretty sure that he had never seen such lettering , but somehow it was not unfamiliar . He traced the words with his finger , starting from one end of the hinges to another end . Without realizing it , he read them so easily even though he didn 't know and had never heard the words he 'd just spoken loudly . Darren looked at him with bulging eyes , as if he had just grown another head , his hands were still raised above his head . And suddenly the box burst open . Darren never felt so frightened before . He was curious about the black box Romeo had found inside the hole . When his friend couldn 't open the box , he took it and tried to open it himself . No matter how strong he tried to pry the lid , it wouldn 't budge . Then he raised his hands and brought the box under the sun 's light to see it more clearly when Romeo gasped . Instinctively , he lowered his hands when Romeo gripped his wrist so roughly and raised it back . Romeo admitted that he saw some kind of words on the box , yet he couldn 't see any words . The surface was smooth all over , except the random lines on the lid . And the boy suddenly traced the lines with his finger and said something he couldn 't understand aloud . He looked at Romeo 's gaze fixed on the lines and swore that there was something different in his eyes . At that short moment , his friend suddenly became a stranger . The lid of the box burst open not long after Romeo finished uttering the strange words . A chill wind gushed out from the box with such force that he fell backwards and knocked Romeo down . The wind roared and disappeared from the surface of the hole . Romeo didn 't answer . In fact , the boy had been in a complete daze , laying on his back , his eyes staring into the space . Darren sat up and shook Romeo 's shoulders until the boy jerked and his eyes gradually focused on him . " I don 't know . You opened the box , Romeo , " he managed to say , helping the thin boy sat up . The boy looked so terribly weak . Sitting there side to side on the damp floor , they peered down at the black box thrown to the corner of the room . It was totally empty . Romeo laughed weakly . " But … " Darren started , more confused than ever , but he couldn 't say anything . They kept silent for a moment , his mind racing , his heart beating fast . Then , he heard a voice outside , and his heart almost skipped a beat . Relief washed over him when he noticed the voice as Heidy 's , big sister of Romeo , calling them out . Romeo never felt so exhausted before . He didn 't understand what just happened back then inside the hole . He remembered that he just spoke aloud unfamiliar words he 'd never known before , but he couldn 't remember the exact words . He even didn 't understand how he could read the words . It just as if he knew the words very well . And he suddenly felt so terribly weak as if he had just run for a mile instead of read some words . As if the wind pouring out the box took some of his energy . But that was impossible , wasn 't it ? Anyway , why there was a pretty box with nothing inside except wind ? And what kind of person trapping wind inside a box ? How could wind got trapped inside the box at the first place ? He felt as if his whole bones had turned into pulp . He barely could climb up the roots back to the surface . Darren went up first and practically dragged him up . He couldn 't help but notice that his friend was scared . He suddenly became so distant and wouldn 't look at him in the eyes . After they got back to the ground , Darren got up and walked in front of him , occasionally glancing over his shoulder to see whether he followed behind or not . He looked concerned but afraid . Afraid of him ? Was there something else he couldn 't remember back then ? He winced and groaned inwardly . He just wanted to go to bed soon and rested his exhausted body . He would ask his friend about what happened later . " Romeo ! Darren ! " His sister 's calling ringing through the wood . Her footsteps were getting closer . Darren called her back to give her their direction and she found us almost immediately . Her words just made Romeo realize his surrounding for the first time since he was climbed out of the hole . He could hear the roar of the wind and the rustling of the leaves , feel the wind cold in his skin . Was it this windy before he fell into the hole ? Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on May 22 , 2017 , in Stories and tagged fantasy , shortstory , story . Leave a comment Harry was awakened by a loud thud outside the house . He sat down immediately and cursed inwardly . So much for the idea to stay awake . He got out the bed and went out the room . The sun 's rays went in through the window and illuminated the corridor . Yawning widely , he knocked on Anna 's door . No answer . He waited for several minutes before knocking again . Being impatient , because it was so not - Anna - at - all , he turned the knob and opened the door . Panic pierced his heart when he realized that the bed was empty . No Anna in sight . He hurriedly went down the stairs and looked around . The fire still danced happily in the hearth . The dinner table was empty , showing no sign of the feast last night , as if it was only an illusion . As his mind tried hard to find the logic of the situation , he noticed strange sounds outside , like something continuously scraping against something . He realized that the front door was ajar . Gripped by fear , Harry slowly went to the door . He opened it soundlessly . Kathy was standing at the clearing with her back was to him , bending over something , wasn 't aware of his presence . He realized that she was the source of the sound he heard . She was sharpening a saw on a big round stone , almost enthusiastically while humming softly . What was she going to do with that thing ? Harry inhaled sharply . To his horror , he saw dark red blotches were smeared on her clothes , particularly the lower part . He darted a shocked look at the ground . There was a pool of red almost like fresh blood . A wave of sickness hit him hard he almost collapsed . He couldn 't believe his eyes . Was that Anna lying motionless beside the red pool ? There was no mistake . It was her ! He knew that redhead too well . You might think that being unnoticed as he was , he has an ultimate chance to finish her off and she might not realize she was attacked until it was too late . Or he might yell a war cry , announcing his presence then attacked her like a hero on many fairy tales . He would come as the winner and would be famous for avenging the monster that killed his friend . No . He just stood there numbly for several seconds before shrieking un - hero - like . Harry held the urge to throw up . She was crazy . Then , he realized his mistake . Instead of running away from the cabin , he was running inside . He cursed . Now what ? He was totally trapped . He forced himself to calm down and think it over . The idea of running away with that wicked woman free to chase him was not a good idea . Who knew what that woman would do ? For goodness sake he might have a saw embedded on his body the moment he fled from her . Maybe that woman could catch up with him despite her fat body . Moreover , he couldn 't leave Anna behind . He shuddered . The thought of her lit his anger . He needed to outwit the crazy woman . His best weapon was his brain . He couldn 't use destructive power like his other friends . Though he might do some fighting , he couldn 't battle an armed maniac almost twice his size barehanded . Not to mention that she had a sharp saw ! He needed to make her incapacitated so that he could escape to the town and asked for help . He looked around , trying to find a way to subdue her . He could trap her somewhere in the cabin . But where ? Harry could lure her inside one of the bedroom and trap her there . No . That was not a good idea , either . He could hide behind the door , but her big body would block the exit . He would be the one trapped . There was no time . Speaking about a trap … He set his eyes on the trapdoor . He got an idea . A foolish and desperate one , but he didn 't have a choice . " Huh ? The trapdoor was open ! Bad kebab ! I told him not to open the door ! " she grumbled . " I will teach him a lesson ! Maybe he can be the main dish for breakfast today ? " she laughed evilly . Harry held his breath and willed his heart to stop beating fast , afraid she could hear them clearly . He heard her walking down the stair to the basement . He moved fast , opened the door of the larder where he hid , ran towards the surprised Kathy , kicked her in the chest and sent her tumbling down the stairs , closed the trapdoor and bolted it . Harry ran outside and went to Anna 's still body . Blood covered the back of her head and her neck . Her lifeless blue eyes stared at the sky . It was too late . Harry cursed . Tears stung his eyes . He turned and ran as fast as possible to the city . Now that the sun was up and the fog was gone , he could find his way back to the city . Rage boiled inside him as he noticed that the cabin was located so damn near to the city . If they hadn 't stopped at the cabin and kept walking , they might reach the city in less than twenty minutes . And then , Anna would not … Harry closed his eyes , trying to dismiss the thought . He hoped that it was just a nightmarish nightmare , that he was still asleep , so was Anna on the next door . That Kathy was only a harmless fat lady . He kept running and running , letting his legs led him . And what a wonderful guide they were , since he suddenly crashed into a solid muscular body and landed hard on his bottom on the cobblestone road . " We don 't have time for that ! " Harry shouted at his face . In normal situation , he would never dare to even think about shouting at Larc . In fact , he never saw anybody doing so , except those who had death wishes to die in a painful way . Since it was not a normal situation , he thought he could make it an exception . " Just follow me , please . I will tell you the whole story while we are running . " Harry wondered if he truly looked like hell like Larc had said before , since the man didn 't argue with Harry ordering him around . He expected a thunderbolt to strike him from behind , but there was nothing . Larc followed him , though Harry couldn 't read his expression at all . Running back to Kathy 's cabin , he explained everything in detail , starting from his decision to walk back to the city when their car was out of fuel to his trapping Cathy inside her own cabin . When he finished his story , they had arrived at the cabin . Harry knelt beside Anna 's lifeless body and sobbed . " If only I didn 't fall asleep , she might be still alive . Poor Anna . I will make sure that the witch will get a severe punishment for this . " Larc knelt beside him and looked at the body . Though he claimed that he was looking for her , his face was still unreadable as ever . Then he stood and looked around the cabin . Harry raised his head , following the direction Larc 's index finger pointed at . True , there was a figure that looked like him , well , looked exactly like him , standing under the sunlight at the end of the clearing . He was instantly dumbfounded . He looked at Anna 's body closely , his mind kept racing . Larc knelt once again and touched the body . " Well , she 's not that old , but yeah , I see your point , " Harry said in a small voice . He totally forgot that . Anna might look like a fragile and weak girl , but she was strong , super strong , in fact . Now , how could he forget that ? He felt so stupid suddenly . Harry groaned inwardly . He went inside the cabin , Larc on his tail . He stopped midway . There were no pounding and no muffled cries . His fear increased . Larc walked pass him and opened the trapdoor . Kathy blinked her eyes as she climbed up the stairs , looking at yet another stranger in her house confusingly . " I accidentally slipped on the ground while painting the statue of your girlfriend . I knocked the can over and the red paint splashed on me as well . I fell into the pedestal and it broke under my weight . That 's why I sharpen my saw , to make a new pedestal from the logs . " Larc closed his eyes and shook his head . Harry had never felt so humiliated before . His cheeks were red and he hoped the ground opened to swallow him . He could feel his face reddening more when light footsteps were heard getting closer outside . Less than a minute , Anna appeared at the door , looked so fresh and alive . The three of them stared at her . " Huh ? Did I miss something ? " she asked with pure confusion . " Harry , you look like a red tomato . Kathy , is there something wrong with the statue ? And Larc ? What are you doing here ? " Larc sighed and walked towards her . " I 've just arrived . I want to ask for your help . " He took Anna 's arm and led her outside . Harry couldn 't help but flinched hearing the new endearment . Oh well , it turned out that she was only an eccentric fat woman with an awesome talent . Later that day , she finished Anna 's statue and placed it beside his statue . Harry felt as if he was looking at his own reflection . Kathy showed them the basement , where she stored her statues , all of which were so astounding that no words could truly describe them . If Harry looked at the content of the basement and saw the statues before he hid inside the larder , he might think that they were victims of black magic and got more freaked out than he was at that time . All in all , he was grateful that he had awakened from his ' nightmare ' . Speaking about black magic , Anna looked a bit guarded after Larc told her the reason he came searching for her . She didn 't tell Harry anything about that but he could see that she was becoming restless . Something bad must be happened in the city . But it was definitely another story … Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on April 28 , 2017 , in Stories and tagged mystery , shortstory , story . Leave a comment You might have ever heard about a story where two children named Hansel and Gretel were lost in the forest and found a house made of gingerbread , cakes , and candies . Though the idea of such house sounds harmless , it turned out that the owner of the house was a cannibalistic witch who loved eating children by luring them to her house . Like other classic stories , there must be one moral or two from this story . Maybe it wants to teach you not to eat too many sweets . Maybe it wants to show you that good - looking something does not always mean good . Or to put it simply , it gives you a warning : beware a strange house in the middle of the forest . The fog was getting heavier with every passing second and so was the feeling of regret in Harry 's heart at his stupid decision to leave the carriage and walk instead . Their horse accidentally injured its leg , preventing them from continuing their journey back to the city . The carriage would not be a warm place to spend the night , but it would be if his fear of their getting lost had been true . With the thick fog , he wasn 't so sure that the path they 've taken was the right path to the city . He even wasn 't sure that they would find the carriage if they turned back . Worse , he even wasn 't sure about their location anymore . Before leaving the carriage , the fog was not as thick as it was now . He was sure that they were so close to the city already , that it would take less than an hour to reach the city by foot . At least , they might find some inns along the way where they were supposed to get warmer than staying in the carriage . Unfortunately , the fog chose to get thicker when they have gone through the halfway of the journey . Now , after walking for an hour with no sign of life except the fog and the forest and the dim light of their lanterns , Harry was pretty sure that they were lost . He stopped , forcing the girl beside him to do the same . Anna didn 't answer , but she nodded . She kept shining her lantern to their right side , but nothing to be seen except trees . She lowered her lantern and gasped . " Is that a mailbox ? " she pointed her finger to something that looked like a very rusty can impaled by an iron bar . They moved closer to inspect it . It was so rusty that Harry was sure if there was something written on it , nobody could read it without scraped the rust first . " If that thing is here , there must be … " Harry shone his lantern frantically until the light shone into a large shadow lurking not so far from them . There are some rectangular shapes glowing on it . " A cabin , " she finished his sentence . She shone her lantern to the ground and they looked at a small bushy path leading to the cabin . She looked at him expectantly . " Those lights mean there 's someone there . I hope that someone doesn 't mind welcoming two visitors in the middle of the night . " They followed the smaller path towards the wooden cabin . Harry realized that there was a small clearing beside the cabin , hidden behind tall and thick trees they saw at the previous path . His lantern shone on strange - looking heaps within walking distance . He wanted to know what those were , but feared the possibility of swamp or bog there . He moved closer to Anna who was walking in front of him instead . " It reminds me of a witch 's house a lot . " Harry looked around , expecting some short monsters popped out and surrounded them . Oh hell , maybe those heaps were monsters that 'd been waiting for ambush strangers . Heavy footsteps echoed inside the cabin . Shortly , the sound of the door being unlocked was heard . They glanced at each other nervously . Harry prepared himself to see an old crooked frail witch to open the door . Instead , a very tall and fat woman holding a lantern looked down at them . " Yes ? " she asked in a quite deep voice . " I 'm sorry . We have a trouble with our carriage . May we ask your favor to let us spend the night here ? " asked Anna sweetly . " Oh , my poor hamburgers ! " the fat woman hugged them all of a sudden . " You must be so cold and hungry . Come in , come in . " She practically pulled them in and locked the door behind them . " You meatballs come in a right time . It is so rare to have visitors here . I have some dinner prepared . I 'm glad I don 't have to finish it alone . " Kathy placed her hands on their shoulders , ushering them into the cabin . Harry mouthed something to Anna , maybe wondering why the woman called them ' meatball ' this time . But she didn 't pay much attention to him . She was distracted by the interior of the cabin . It was not a large cabin , but it was sure a simple and cozy one . Fire roared in the stone hearth on their left , a comfy sofa bed facing it . To their right were a neat and orderly kitchen and a larder . At the backside , there was a staircase leading to the second floor and a trapdoor , maybe leading to a basement . But the most attracting part of the cabin stood in the center , which was a dinner table served with many kind of mouth - watering meals that could feed 20 people at most . Harry couldn 't stop goggling at the spectacular feast . " Don 't be shy , pork chops . Eat as much as you want . " Kathy helped Anna to her seat then gestured to Harry to sit down beside her . Harry raised his eyebrow at the endearment . Anna was either very hungry or astonished that she didn 't care . Her eyes fixed on the dishes . Kathy sat down in front of them and started filling their plates . " You cooked a lot for someone who lives alone , " Harry muttered . Anna shot him a dirty look . He mouthed ' what ' angrily . He got the right to feel suspicious , didn 't he ? " I am a woman with a large appetite , " her laugh echoed throughout the cabin . Harry wondered whether he mistook the vibration of the walls all around them . Great . A large lady with a large appetite . Hopefully , two teenagers had nothing to do with it . Harry didn 't feel reassured at all . Nevertheless , he couldn 't deny that he was hungry . What they had been through in the forest earlier had taken its toll on them . He 's not only hungry , he was exhausted as well . He began to chew and swallow everything Kathy had placed on his plate like somebody who had not eaten for weeks . He couldn 't help it . The food tasted as fantastic as it looked . " Those are very beautiful eyes you have there , my pot roast , " said Kathy . Harry almost forgot that the woman was there watching them . He stopped halfway to pick some sausages , then realized that the woman was addressing Anna . She mumbled ' thank you ' with her mouth full with cheese . Anna was very beautiful with her redhead and clear sky - blue eyes . It was not the first time someone commented on those physical features of her . Yet , Harry couldn 't help the unsettling feeling in his gut . Kathy said those words like a hunter appraised her prey . He couldn 't stop noticing that Kathy kept watching on her all this time . " Those eyes would be a masterpiece , indeed , " Kathy sighed . Harry shivered . However , the girl in question was not affected at all . She gulped down her milk like nothing happened . Well , there was nothing happened , literally , but , couldn 't she tell that their host were getting more suspicious over time ? Suddenly , after dropping the empty glass back on the table , Anna 's body went limp . She leaned forward and dropped her head to the table and didn 't move anymore . Harry panicked and stood immediately . " Ah ! My poor hot dog ! She must be very tired ! " uttered Kathy . In a very swift motion for a fat woman , she approached Anna and scooped her up easily . " She fell into a deep sleep . We better put her to bed . Follow me , my beefsteak . " She walked towards the stairs with Anna in her arms . The girl didn 't stir . Harry followed her halfheartedly , convinced that there was something wrong . He stopped at the bottom of the stair , looking down at the trapdoor , suddenly feeling curious about it . Kathy stopped and looked round . " Just some things I don 't want people to look at . Come on . We better hurry and put your girlfriend upstairs . She will be more comfortable , then . " Kathy led him to the corridor upstairs . Two wooden doors stood ajar on one side . There was a small window at the end of the corridor which he was sure facing the small clearing outside . Kathy entered the nearest room and laid Anna down on a small bed . Beside the bed , a wooden cupboard was the only furniture available in the room . Kathy turned to him . " You can sleep in the room next door . I think I will let you get some rest , as well . I will be downstairs if you need me . " " Well … okay . Thank you , " said Harry . He watched the woman walking down the stairs in confusion . He re - entered Anna 's room to make sure that the girl was indeed sleeping before he got to the second room . Laying on the similar small bed and gazing at the dim lamp above his head , Harry couldn 't help thinking that maybe Kathy was truly a kind loner as she seemed to be . He felt bad to think otherwise . The woman had let them into her home , eaten her food , and even used her bed . However , he couldn 't put aside the need to stay alert . He decided not to sleep until sunrise when they would be ready to leave . Something told him to keep awake and he felt it will be safer that way . |
It was another hot Sunday at the peak of summer in Magica . The sun had begun to descend into the horizon , yet the heat it radiated was still unbearable for most people that they chose to stay indoors being lazy and doing nothing . No one ever thought that one act of innocence that afternoon would make the rest of the day one of the most horrible days in the history of Magica … " Romeo ? " the short boy called , terrified . He stopped midway in his effort to climb a root . He called again in panic . The lean boy answered , but the sound was weak and far he almost couldn 't catch the word . He went to the spot where he last seen his friend . Some of the ground was disappearing into a round hole . He approached carefully and knelt , peering into the dark hole . He saw the lean boy at the bottom of the hole , looking up at him . " Are you okay ? " he shouted into the hole . Romeo nodded and got up , dusting the sand , leaves , and anything falling down with him . He looked around at his surrounding curiously . It seemed he had fallen into a small wooden room . Most of the walls had been covered with moss and roots . There were only a mattress , a small table and a shelf on that room . The shelf was full with books , scrolls , parchments , jars , and other things , but like the rest of the furniture , all of them were covered in moss . He tried to check on the books when his friend called him again . Darren 's plump face was gone from the opening of the hole , letting the sun shone on the small room . Something at the bottom of the shelf reflected the light and made him squint . He squatted down at the same time Darren climbed down the roots to join him and took a small rectangular box from the shelf . He stood back with the box in his hand when Darren jumped and landed with a big thud beside him , making the small room felt smaller . The boy looked around and gasped . Romeo took a long look at the box . It had small hinges on one side but there was no keyhole or padlock . He tried to pry it open but it wouldn 't budge . He tried and tried to no avail . " You 're right , Romeo . Don 't you think there might be treasure within ? Here , let me try , " his friend took the box from his hand and tried to open it but it still wouldn 't budge . " It must be broken ! " Romeo turned back at the books and scrolls scattered on the table beside the mattress . He went to do what he wanted to back then before his friend called him , but , seeing the thick moss covered them all , he pulled back his hand in disgust . Turning around , he saw Darren raising the black box above his head to let the sunray piercing into the hole shone on it and observing it closely . Romeo gave a loud gasp . " What 's wrong ? " Darren lowered his hand and the box was shielded in the shadow of the room . Romeo caught his friend 's hand and shoved it under the sunray . Darren looked terrified . " Wh - what , Romeo ? " " There are words written there ! " he exclaimed . The sun ray revealed a thin line of words encircling the black box . Romeo was pretty sure that he had never seen such lettering , but somehow it was not unfamiliar . He traced the words with his finger , starting from one end of the hinges to another end . Without realizing it , he read them so easily even though he didn 't know and had never heard the words he 'd just spoken loudly . Darren looked at him with bulging eyes , as if he had just grown another head , his hands were still raised above his head . And suddenly the box burst open . Darren never felt so frightened before . He was curious about the black box Romeo had found inside the hole . When his friend couldn 't open the box , he took it and tried to open it himself . No matter how strong he tried to pry the lid , it wouldn 't budge . Then he raised his hands and brought the box under the sun 's light to see it more clearly when Romeo gasped . Instinctively , he lowered his hands when Romeo gripped his wrist so roughly and raised it back . Romeo admitted that he saw some kind of words on the box , yet he couldn 't see any words . The surface was smooth all over , except the random lines on the lid . And the boy suddenly traced the lines with his finger and said something he couldn 't understand aloud . He looked at Romeo 's gaze fixed on the lines and swore that there was something different in his eyes . At that short moment , his friend suddenly became a stranger . The lid of the box burst open not long after Romeo finished uttering the strange words . A chill wind gushed out from the box with such force that he fell backwards and knocked Romeo down . The wind roared and disappeared from the surface of the hole . Romeo didn 't answer . In fact , the boy had been in a complete daze , laying on his back , his eyes staring into the space . Darren sat up and shook Romeo 's shoulders until the boy jerked and his eyes gradually focused on him . " I don 't know . You opened the box , Romeo , " he managed to say , helping the thin boy sat up . The boy looked so terribly weak . Sitting there side to side on the damp floor , they peered down at the black box thrown to the corner of the room . It was totally empty . Romeo laughed weakly . " But … " Darren started , more confused than ever , but he couldn 't say anything . They kept silent for a moment , his mind racing , his heart beating fast . Then , he heard a voice outside , and his heart almost skipped a beat . Relief washed over him when he noticed the voice as Heidy 's , big sister of Romeo , calling them out . Romeo never felt so exhausted before . He didn 't understand what just happened back then inside the hole . He remembered that he just spoke aloud unfamiliar words he 'd never known before , but he couldn 't remember the exact words . He even didn 't understand how he could read the words . It just as if he knew the words very well . And he suddenly felt so terribly weak as if he had just run for a mile instead of read some words . As if the wind pouring out the box took some of his energy . But that was impossible , wasn 't it ? Anyway , why there was a pretty box with nothing inside except wind ? And what kind of person trapping wind inside a box ? How could wind got trapped inside the box at the first place ? He felt as if his whole bones had turned into pulp . He barely could climb up the roots back to the surface . Darren went up first and practically dragged him up . He couldn 't help but notice that his friend was scared . He suddenly became so distant and wouldn 't look at him in the eyes . After they got back to the ground , Darren got up and walked in front of him , occasionally glancing over his shoulder to see whether he followed behind or not . He looked concerned but afraid . Afraid of him ? Was there something else he couldn 't remember back then ? He winced and groaned inwardly . He just wanted to go to bed soon and rested his exhausted body . He would ask his friend about what happened later . " Romeo ! Darren ! " His sister 's calling ringing through the wood . Her footsteps were getting closer . Darren called her back to give her their direction and she found us almost immediately . Her words just made Romeo realize his surrounding for the first time since he was climbed out of the hole . He could hear the roar of the wind and the rustling of the leaves , feel the wind cold in his skin . Was it this windy before he fell into the hole ? Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on May 22 , 2017 , in Stories and tagged fantasy , shortstory , story . Leave a comment Harry was awakened by a loud thud outside the house . He sat down immediately and cursed inwardly . So much for the idea to stay awake . He got out the bed and went out the room . The sun 's rays went in through the window and illuminated the corridor . Yawning widely , he knocked on Anna 's door . No answer . He waited for several minutes before knocking again . Being impatient , because it was so not - Anna - at - all , he turned the knob and opened the door . Panic pierced his heart when he realized that the bed was empty . No Anna in sight . He hurriedly went down the stairs and looked around . The fire still danced happily in the hearth . The dinner table was empty , showing no sign of the feast last night , as if it was only an illusion . As his mind tried hard to find the logic of the situation , he noticed strange sounds outside , like something continuously scraping against something . He realized that the front door was ajar . Gripped by fear , Harry slowly went to the door . He opened it soundlessly . Kathy was standing at the clearing with her back was to him , bending over something , wasn 't aware of his presence . He realized that she was the source of the sound he heard . She was sharpening a saw on a big round stone , almost enthusiastically while humming softly . What was she going to do with that thing ? Harry inhaled sharply . To his horror , he saw dark red blotches were smeared on her clothes , particularly the lower part . He darted a shocked look at the ground . There was a pool of red almost like fresh blood . A wave of sickness hit him hard he almost collapsed . He couldn 't believe his eyes . Was that Anna lying motionless beside the red pool ? There was no mistake . It was her ! He knew that redhead too well . You might think that being unnoticed as he was , he has an ultimate chance to finish her off and she might not realize she was attacked until it was too late . Or he might yell a war cry , announcing his presence then attacked her like a hero on many fairy tales . He would come as the winner and would be famous for avenging the monster that killed his friend . No . He just stood there numbly for several seconds before shrieking un - hero - like . Harry held the urge to throw up . She was crazy . Then , he realized his mistake . Instead of running away from the cabin , he was running inside . He cursed . Now what ? He was totally trapped . He forced himself to calm down and think it over . The idea of running away with that wicked woman free to chase him was not a good idea . Who knew what that woman would do ? For goodness sake he might have a saw embedded on his body the moment he fled from her . Maybe that woman could catch up with him despite her fat body . Moreover , he couldn 't leave Anna behind . He shuddered . The thought of her lit his anger . He needed to outwit the crazy woman . His best weapon was his brain . He couldn 't use destructive power like his other friends . Though he might do some fighting , he couldn 't battle an armed maniac almost twice his size barehanded . Not to mention that she had a sharp saw ! He needed to make her incapacitated so that he could escape to the town and asked for help . He looked around , trying to find a way to subdue her . He could trap her somewhere in the cabin . But where ? Harry could lure her inside one of the bedroom and trap her there . No . That was not a good idea , either . He could hide behind the door , but her big body would block the exit . He would be the one trapped . There was no time . Speaking about a trap … He set his eyes on the trapdoor . He got an idea . A foolish and desperate one , but he didn 't have a choice . " Huh ? The trapdoor was open ! Bad kebab ! I told him not to open the door ! " she grumbled . " I will teach him a lesson ! Maybe he can be the main dish for breakfast today ? " she laughed evilly . Harry held his breath and willed his heart to stop beating fast , afraid she could hear them clearly . He heard her walking down the stair to the basement . He moved fast , opened the door of the larder where he hid , ran towards the surprised Kathy , kicked her in the chest and sent her tumbling down the stairs , closed the trapdoor and bolted it . Harry ran outside and went to Anna 's still body . Blood covered the back of her head and her neck . Her lifeless blue eyes stared at the sky . It was too late . Harry cursed . Tears stung his eyes . He turned and ran as fast as possible to the city . Now that the sun was up and the fog was gone , he could find his way back to the city . Rage boiled inside him as he noticed that the cabin was located so damn near to the city . If they hadn 't stopped at the cabin and kept walking , they might reach the city in less than twenty minutes . And then , Anna would not … Harry closed his eyes , trying to dismiss the thought . He hoped that it was just a nightmarish nightmare , that he was still asleep , so was Anna on the next door . That Kathy was only a harmless fat lady . He kept running and running , letting his legs led him . And what a wonderful guide they were , since he suddenly crashed into a solid muscular body and landed hard on his bottom on the cobblestone road . " We don 't have time for that ! " Harry shouted at his face . In normal situation , he would never dare to even think about shouting at Larc . In fact , he never saw anybody doing so , except those who had death wishes to die in a painful way . Since it was not a normal situation , he thought he could make it an exception . " Just follow me , please . I will tell you the whole story while we are running . " Harry wondered if he truly looked like hell like Larc had said before , since the man didn 't argue with Harry ordering him around . He expected a thunderbolt to strike him from behind , but there was nothing . Larc followed him , though Harry couldn 't read his expression at all . Running back to Kathy 's cabin , he explained everything in detail , starting from his decision to walk back to the city when their car was out of fuel to his trapping Cathy inside her own cabin . When he finished his story , they had arrived at the cabin . Harry knelt beside Anna 's lifeless body and sobbed . " If only I didn 't fall asleep , she might be still alive . Poor Anna . I will make sure that the witch will get a severe punishment for this . " Larc knelt beside him and looked at the body . Though he claimed that he was looking for her , his face was still unreadable as ever . Then he stood and looked around the cabin . Harry raised his head , following the direction Larc 's index finger pointed at . True , there was a figure that looked like him , well , looked exactly like him , standing under the sunlight at the end of the clearing . He was instantly dumbfounded . He looked at Anna 's body closely , his mind kept racing . Larc knelt once again and touched the body . " Well , she 's not that old , but yeah , I see your point , " Harry said in a small voice . He totally forgot that . Anna might look like a fragile and weak girl , but she was strong , super strong , in fact . Now , how could he forget that ? He felt so stupid suddenly . Harry groaned inwardly . He went inside the cabin , Larc on his tail . He stopped midway . There were no pounding and no muffled cries . His fear increased . Larc walked pass him and opened the trapdoor . Kathy blinked her eyes as she climbed up the stairs , looking at yet another stranger in her house confusingly . " I accidentally slipped on the ground while painting the statue of your girlfriend . I knocked the can over and the red paint splashed on me as well . I fell into the pedestal and it broke under my weight . That 's why I sharpen my saw , to make a new pedestal from the logs . " Larc closed his eyes and shook his head . Harry had never felt so humiliated before . His cheeks were red and he hoped the ground opened to swallow him . He could feel his face reddening more when light footsteps were heard getting closer outside . Less than a minute , Anna appeared at the door , looked so fresh and alive . The three of them stared at her . " Huh ? Did I miss something ? " she asked with pure confusion . " Harry , you look like a red tomato . Kathy , is there something wrong with the statue ? And Larc ? What are you doing here ? " Larc sighed and walked towards her . " I 've just arrived . I want to ask for your help . " He took Anna 's arm and led her outside . Harry couldn 't help but flinched hearing the new endearment . Oh well , it turned out that she was only an eccentric fat woman with an awesome talent . Later that day , she finished Anna 's statue and placed it beside his statue . Harry felt as if he was looking at his own reflection . Kathy showed them the basement , where she stored her statues , all of which were so astounding that no words could truly describe them . If Harry looked at the content of the basement and saw the statues before he hid inside the larder , he might think that they were victims of black magic and got more freaked out than he was at that time . All in all , he was grateful that he had awakened from his ' nightmare ' . Speaking about black magic , Anna looked a bit guarded after Larc told her the reason he came searching for her . She didn 't tell Harry anything about that but he could see that she was becoming restless . Something bad must be happened in the city . But it was definitely another story … Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on April 28 , 2017 , in Stories and tagged mystery , shortstory , story . Leave a comment You might have ever heard about a story where two children named Hansel and Gretel were lost in the forest and found a house made of gingerbread , cakes , and candies . Though the idea of such house sounds harmless , it turned out that the owner of the house was a cannibalistic witch who loved eating children by luring them to her house . Like other classic stories , there must be one moral or two from this story . Maybe it wants to teach you not to eat too many sweets . Maybe it wants to show you that good - looking something does not always mean good . Or to put it simply , it gives you a warning : beware a strange house in the middle of the forest . The fog was getting heavier with every passing second and so was the feeling of regret in Harry 's heart at his stupid decision to leave the carriage and walk instead . Their horse accidentally injured its leg , preventing them from continuing their journey back to the city . The carriage would not be a warm place to spend the night , but it would be if his fear of their getting lost had been true . With the thick fog , he wasn 't so sure that the path they 've taken was the right path to the city . He even wasn 't sure that they would find the carriage if they turned back . Worse , he even wasn 't sure about their location anymore . Before leaving the carriage , the fog was not as thick as it was now . He was sure that they were so close to the city already , that it would take less than an hour to reach the city by foot . At least , they might find some inns along the way where they were supposed to get warmer than staying in the carriage . Unfortunately , the fog chose to get thicker when they have gone through the halfway of the journey . Now , after walking for an hour with no sign of life except the fog and the forest and the dim light of their lanterns , Harry was pretty sure that they were lost . He stopped , forcing the girl beside him to do the same . Anna didn 't answer , but she nodded . She kept shining her lantern to their right side , but nothing to be seen except trees . She lowered her lantern and gasped . " Is that a mailbox ? " she pointed her finger to something that looked like a very rusty can impaled by an iron bar . They moved closer to inspect it . It was so rusty that Harry was sure if there was something written on it , nobody could read it without scraped the rust first . " If that thing is here , there must be … " Harry shone his lantern frantically until the light shone into a large shadow lurking not so far from them . There are some rectangular shapes glowing on it . " A cabin , " she finished his sentence . She shone her lantern to the ground and they looked at a small bushy path leading to the cabin . She looked at him expectantly . " Those lights mean there 's someone there . I hope that someone doesn 't mind welcoming two visitors in the middle of the night . " They followed the smaller path towards the wooden cabin . Harry realized that there was a small clearing beside the cabin , hidden behind tall and thick trees they saw at the previous path . His lantern shone on strange - looking heaps within walking distance . He wanted to know what those were , but feared the possibility of swamp or bog there . He moved closer to Anna who was walking in front of him instead . " It reminds me of a witch 's house a lot . " Harry looked around , expecting some short monsters popped out and surrounded them . Oh hell , maybe those heaps were monsters that 'd been waiting for ambush strangers . Heavy footsteps echoed inside the cabin . Shortly , the sound of the door being unlocked was heard . They glanced at each other nervously . Harry prepared himself to see an old crooked frail witch to open the door . Instead , a very tall and fat woman holding a lantern looked down at them . " Yes ? " she asked in a quite deep voice . " I 'm sorry . We have a trouble with our carriage . May we ask your favor to let us spend the night here ? " asked Anna sweetly . " Oh , my poor hamburgers ! " the fat woman hugged them all of a sudden . " You must be so cold and hungry . Come in , come in . " She practically pulled them in and locked the door behind them . " You meatballs come in a right time . It is so rare to have visitors here . I have some dinner prepared . I 'm glad I don 't have to finish it alone . " Kathy placed her hands on their shoulders , ushering them into the cabin . Harry mouthed something to Anna , maybe wondering why the woman called them ' meatball ' this time . But she didn 't pay much attention to him . She was distracted by the interior of the cabin . It was not a large cabin , but it was sure a simple and cozy one . Fire roared in the stone hearth on their left , a comfy sofa bed facing it . To their right were a neat and orderly kitchen and a larder . At the backside , there was a staircase leading to the second floor and a trapdoor , maybe leading to a basement . But the most attracting part of the cabin stood in the center , which was a dinner table served with many kind of mouth - watering meals that could feed 20 people at most . Harry couldn 't stop goggling at the spectacular feast . " Don 't be shy , pork chops . Eat as much as you want . " Kathy helped Anna to her seat then gestured to Harry to sit down beside her . Harry raised his eyebrow at the endearment . Anna was either very hungry or astonished that she didn 't care . Her eyes fixed on the dishes . Kathy sat down in front of them and started filling their plates . " You cooked a lot for someone who lives alone , " Harry muttered . Anna shot him a dirty look . He mouthed ' what ' angrily . He got the right to feel suspicious , didn 't he ? " I am a woman with a large appetite , " her laugh echoed throughout the cabin . Harry wondered whether he mistook the vibration of the walls all around them . Great . A large lady with a large appetite . Hopefully , two teenagers had nothing to do with it . Harry didn 't feel reassured at all . Nevertheless , he couldn 't deny that he was hungry . What they had been through in the forest earlier had taken its toll on them . He 's not only hungry , he was exhausted as well . He began to chew and swallow everything Kathy had placed on his plate like somebody who had not eaten for weeks . He couldn 't help it . The food tasted as fantastic as it looked . " Those are very beautiful eyes you have there , my pot roast , " said Kathy . Harry almost forgot that the woman was there watching them . He stopped halfway to pick some sausages , then realized that the woman was addressing Anna . She mumbled ' thank you ' with her mouth full with cheese . Anna was very beautiful with her redhead and clear sky - blue eyes . It was not the first time someone commented on those physical features of her . Yet , Harry couldn 't help the unsettling feeling in his gut . Kathy said those words like a hunter appraised her prey . He couldn 't stop noticing that Kathy kept watching on her all this time . " Those eyes would be a masterpiece , indeed , " Kathy sighed . Harry shivered . However , the girl in question was not affected at all . She gulped down her milk like nothing happened . Well , there was nothing happened , literally , but , couldn 't she tell that their host were getting more suspicious over time ? Suddenly , after dropping the empty glass back on the table , Anna 's body went limp . She leaned forward and dropped her head to the table and didn 't move anymore . Harry panicked and stood immediately . " Ah ! My poor hot dog ! She must be very tired ! " uttered Kathy . In a very swift motion for a fat woman , she approached Anna and scooped her up easily . " She fell into a deep sleep . We better put her to bed . Follow me , my beefsteak . " She walked towards the stairs with Anna in her arms . The girl didn 't stir . Harry followed her halfheartedly , convinced that there was something wrong . He stopped at the bottom of the stair , looking down at the trapdoor , suddenly feeling curious about it . Kathy stopped and looked round . " Just some things I don 't want people to look at . Come on . We better hurry and put your girlfriend upstairs . She will be more comfortable , then . " Kathy led him to the corridor upstairs . Two wooden doors stood ajar on one side . There was a small window at the end of the corridor which he was sure facing the small clearing outside . Kathy entered the nearest room and laid Anna down on a small bed . Beside the bed , a wooden cupboard was the only furniture available in the room . Kathy turned to him . " You can sleep in the room next door . I think I will let you get some rest , as well . I will be downstairs if you need me . " " Well … okay . Thank you , " said Harry . He watched the woman walking down the stairs in confusion . He re - entered Anna 's room to make sure that the girl was indeed sleeping before he got to the second room . Laying on the similar small bed and gazing at the dim lamp above his head , Harry couldn 't help thinking that maybe Kathy was truly a kind loner as she seemed to be . He felt bad to think otherwise . The woman had let them into her home , eaten her food , and even used her bed . However , he couldn 't put aside the need to stay alert . He decided not to sleep until sunrise when they would be ready to leave . Something told him to keep awake and he felt it will be safer that way . |
Month : May 2012 My Son and His Bad Day Posted on May 31 , 2012 by Lee Everyone has a bad day and today was Adam 's bad day . It didn 't start of bad but it ended badly . Today Adam achieved a major milestone today . Finally my son has got the concept of chewing . I gave him Cheerios and put on his bib and watch him figure out why they 're on his high - chair table . After watching me eating a few of his Cheerios , he got the gist ( somewhat ) that the Cheerios are to be eaten , not thrown on the floor ( where most of them ended up anyway ) . I am so proud of him and I gave him praise when he managed to put them in his mouth and actually chew on them and not gag and then throw up whatever he managed to get down . Towards the afternoon - evening - ish , Sir Adam the Great got a bit fussy . I couldn 't figure out what the problem was . He was fed , changed , I held and entertained him but nothing seemed to work . Then it dawned on me that his top teeth are cutting his gums . I slapped some baby Orajel on them puppies and he ate most of it but he was still fussy . He practically cried for the rest of the evening until he fell asleep . I didn 't like that my baby was unhappy but I had to realize that babies have bad days and I guess today was Adam 's bad day . Share this : Share on TumblrTweetMoreEmailPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . The Top 10 Things I Say to My Son On A Daily Basis Posted on May 23 , 2012 by Lee Sometimes I feel like a broken record . My son isn 't even a year old yet and I already feel like I 've wasted a lot of good oxygen telling him to do something knowing full well he 's just going to look at me with that adorable devilish grin he has when he 's doing something he shouldn 't . There are things of course I can say to him that I will never grow tired of saying . Unfortunately , it 's only a few things . Here are the top 10 things I say to my beloved everyday . I love you . I could say this over and over and over again and never grow tired of saying it . It 's because it 's true . I love my son with every fiber of my being . Even if he waits to sit on my lap to start passing gas . No ! He laughs like it 's a game when I say no . It 's just so hard to say no to him with a stern look on my face . He calls my bluff every time . You are such a munchkin . He is ! My definition of munchkin : An unusually large 11 month old that can pass for a 18 month old who is hell - bent on getting into every little thing someone his age isn 't supposed to get in to . For instance : mommy 's nick knacks on her desk ( s ) . He 's not supposed to be that tall yet to reach up that high ! You are stubborn just like your father . Hopefully , I don 't say that when gets old enough to fully understand what I mean by that . I need to get that under control . Calm down sweetie , we 'll be leaving in a minute ! He get 's real antsy when he knows he 's about to go out . If I even look like I 'm about to go the opposite direction of the door , he cries bloody murder ! Share this : Share on TumblrTweetMoreEmailPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Laughing While Asleep Posted on May 15 , 2012 by Lee I went through the usual ritual I go through when putting my son to sleep for the night . It took a little longer than usual because he took a late nap but I knew he was tired because he was nodding off in my lap . Anyway , when he finally fell asleep , I did the " you better be sleep " test to see if he 's truly sleep or he 's playing me , I sit there for like 10 minutes He 's sleeping away when all of a sudden , he starts laughing . I look down and he 's asleep . I don 't know why but tears immediately started coming down my face without warning . I never heard a baby , let alone my son , giggle that long or that hard ( or at all ) in their sleep . It kind of threw me off guard when the tears started falling . Babies are so innocent , all they need is attention and love . The way you treat them will show in their actions and demeanor . He I guess was so happy and content with himself at that moment , he was laughing in his sleep . I bet it was about his dad doing something goofy . I have to tickle him for him to laugh ; I don 't have to do anything to make him smile though . That laugh was so adorable and innocent , I held him for another 30 minutes . When I put him in his crib finally , I was standing there waiting for it to happen again . After 15 minutes or so , I left the bedroom a little disappointed when it didn 't happen . Maybe it was just a once in a lifetime thing ? This little boy had me at my first positive pregnancy test ; there was no hello needed . He keeps me on my toes and does something new everyday . My little man is growing so fast … okay , I got to go before I get tears all over my keyboard . Share this : Share on TumblrTweetMoreEmailPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . Master of Destruction and Hair Puller Posted on May 14 , 2012 by Lee You 're 11 months today ! You 've been on this earth , driving me crazy for 11 months . Time sure does fly , doesn 't it ? I 'm so proud of you ! To celebrate , we walked to the library and sat in the reading garden for a spell . We couldn 't stay there too long because of all the mosquitoes and other flying insects . They didn 't seem to bother you but I didn 't want you to get bit and I forgot to get you some baby bug repellent ( do they even make repellent forbabies ? ) . We then strolled downtown and saw a huge white tent in the middle ofPublic Square . The Horseshoe Casino opened up today . Forgot all about that . We hurried our tails back up to our place and finished cleaning up . You of course got into everything you thought you were grown enough to get in - after you followed me around the apartment for a while . Your gums have been bothering you all day , making you a little irritable and felt the need to chomp down on my hand on occasion . This of course made you laugh when I took my hand out of your mouth and said , " ow sweetness , dang , that hurt " . You 're still edging around furniture when you want to take steps . You 're very confident in trying to climb up my leg but it seems you 're not quite ready yet to start taking those first big steps . I need you to hold off on that okay ? I want your dad to be the first person to see you walk . After I finished cleaning up , we watched Finding Nemo and it kept your attention for a while . I held you for pretty much the rest of the day . You of course clicked and clacked away at my keyboard and tried to yank the mouse out of the USB port . When you weren 't doing that , you were pulling my hair . I ask why do babies insist on pulling their mother 's hair and get a devilish kick out of doing it every time you do it . It 's a wonder I don 't have bald spots in the back of my head or huge patches of really short hair . I laid you on the bed I sleep in , and laid next to you and watch you do your infamous I 'm - really - sleepy - and - my - eyes - are - heavy - but - I 'm - going - to - roll - around - on - the - bed - until - I - fall - asleep dance . You finally fell asleep and I kissed the space between your eyebrows and laid you in your crib . I must say dude , your arms are long and I can see why you hate sleeping in that thing , you have no room to maneuver . Now I 'm sitting here contemplating on what I 'm going to wear to your grandma 's graduation this Wednesday . I 'm also contemplating on whether I should do my school work now or in the morning . Mommy is really tired though and I guess it can wait until tomorrow . Share this : Share on TumblrTweetMoreEmailPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . A Mom on Suicide Watch : How I Almost Spent Mother 's Day in a Psych Ward Posted on May 13 , 2012 by Lee I know some of you may read this and say , " Oh no ! Not you ! You seem so happy in your blogs ! You 're a gamer , how can you be on the edge of self - destruction ? ! " Everyone gets depressed sometimes , well ; I 'm depressed most of the time ; if not all the time . It 's recently , I was on the brink of a nervous break down , all it took was one more push and I was going to lose it . On May 11 , 2012 , I lost it ; I lost my sanity . On June 9 , my husband and I got into one last fight ( I will not mention the details ) and this fight made me feel like a child , like I couldn 't do anything without his approval . I do what I 'm supposed to do , take care of my son and do my best to make my husband happy . This marriage was doomed from the beginning , the only reason why we got married was because of the baby ; nothing more . It won 't be a year until June 5th and we couldn 't even make it that far . This marriage was filled with a lot of arguing and crying ; crying and arguing . On the inside I wasn 't truly happy because I knew this wasn 't love but I was trying to make it work . Once upon a time , I was in love with my husband but as I sat and looked at him every day : playing video games , eating up the food I provide , disregard my feelings , only played with his son when he felt like it , wasn 't working . I felt like the world ; my world was sitting on my shoulders . I was trying to find a job , still am , trying to find a daycare / baby sitter so I can work , go to school , be a wife , a mother and a slave of my mind . I was on the brink of self - destruction and there was no stopping me . Apparently my soon - to - be ex - husband didn 't like that I went to go see a friend , nor did he like that I put a password on my computer . On June 10 , he gets on my Xbox 360 , using my 26 ″ computer monitor , sitting in my apartment , and eating my food , bashing me , talking about me to whoever it was on the other end of that headset of his . He didn 't have the decency to come to me and tell me why he felt that I shouldn 't have a social life since he 's the reason I alienated all of my friends . I snapped ! I was at first going to go get him bus fare and tell him to get out of my life and never come back , but , he stopped me when he saw I was going somewhere . He actually got up out of his seat of self - righteousness to ask me where I was going ; after I ignored him the first time . Mind you , this man will just up and leave and don 't tell me where he 's going but if I do the same thing - catch 22 . So , he steps in front of me and say " so are you going to tell me where you 're going ? " and I ask him , " are you going to stop bashing me over the internet ? " and he proceeds to say , " well look at what you 're doing ! " What in the hell exactly was I doing ? You 'd be pissed too if I was sitting there on the Xbox 360 slinging mud on your name . To make a long story short , I banned him ; I banned him from my apartment building . I couldn 't take it anymore . I couldn 't take the back and forth anymore . I 'm sick of the makeup , just to wake up , to break up . I sat there in the bedroom listening him to him while contemplating on what to do . Well , when the security guard and another guy who works in the building were on our way upstairs , the security guard tells me that my husband took my son and he left . My heart instantly fell out of my chest and I looked like a ghost . I couldn 't move , or breathe . I head outside and he 's standing at the bus stop with my son so , I walk up and grab one of the handles on the stroller . He grabs the stroller and tells me , " He 's my son too and since you 're kicking me out , you 're kicking him out too . You can come over my mom house to see him " . I told him no the hell I 'm not , he 's not going anywhere . He tells me that he 's the father again and that he can take him . I tell him , not without me knowing and not without permission . Of course he then makes it about him and says , " You banned me so I can 't see him " . Dude ! You were supposed to be banned weeks ago for punching my ex - boyfriend in the face . I still don 't understand why he was so mad at me when either way I would still be living here and he wouldn 't be able to see his son if he was banned for the violence he displayed in the hallway . The other guy that was with the security guard asked him to calm down and I were still yelling telling him that it had nothing to do with not letting him see his son . It was about my sanity ! He was stressing me out and I couldn 't take it anymore . The security guard mentioned something about having the police called if it this can 't be resolved and Adam looks at me and says , " Well the police is gone have to be called " . All the blood that didn 't leave my face the first time left my face just then . My blood - pressure rose and I was getting dizzy . I didn 't need this now . I look down and glanced at my son and he 's without shoes , had on shorts that were too small , too small socks , a too small hat and a shirt . The only thing that made sense was the blanket . It wasn 't warm out that day and he didn 't even bring the boy 's shoes . He was taking my baby out of spite ; to hurt me . The other guy pulled Adam to the side and talked to him , he convinced Adam to give me the baby 's baby bag and his blanket which he refused to give when I gained control of the stroller . I immediately got my son in the building and went upstairs . Not long after that Adam text me calling me a bitch and saying how wrong I was . I didn 't respond back in a nasty way , I was very respectful the time he was mangling my character . I tried to get him to calm down and try to explain why I did what I did but he wasn 't having it . He was focused on hurting me . He was focusing on bringing up my past mistakes to justify why I kicked him out . On June 11th , 2012 he continued his bashing and verbal abuse ; threatening a custody battle , and a lot of other things that seem too ridiculous to point out . When he called me a slut and then made that threat to take me on live television ( Steve Wilkos ) , I was done . I was tired . I wanted out . I made my son a bottle and sat him in his lounger . After 2 days , I finally cried ; I finally let it out . I simply wanted to die ; I didn 't want to live any more . I wanted to take all of my Trazodone , and just leave this world and I was so tempted , so ready , so willingly to do it . I took one look at my son playing with his now empty bottle - squirming around in his lounger and I knew I couldn 't do it but the thoughts would not leave . Then I started to think : " maybe I should kill myself so there won 't be a custody battle and Adam can have his son without a fight " . I was all out of fight , I was surprised that I wasn 't all out of tears ; I spent most of this marriage crying my eyes out . I called mobile crisis . I told them that I needed help , could they send someone out here . All I needed at that moment was someone to talk to , to get my mind off of killing myself ; leaving my son without a mother . The woman from mobile crisis had the dispatcher from the police department on the phone talking to me - asking me how old my son was , what I like to do for fun , what I 'm in college for , things like that . The police didn 't take long to get to get to my apartment . I hung up the phone and let the policemen into my slightly messy house . They asked me was I okay and let me know why they were there in my apartment . I told them how I was feeling and that I needed help . They told me to get some things for the baby and grab my keys and phone . I did just that and then we were headed downstairs to the cop car . When I got to the hospital , they took my vitals and blood while my son sat there frowned up wondering what was going on . I felt like I was the worse mother in the world . How could I let my son see me go through this ? I thought I was stronger than this . So many things were running through my mind and all I could was cry . One of the nurses put my hospital bracelet on me and told me that someone would call me . I sat back out in the waiting room and called my grandmother and told her that someone needs to come and get my child . My brother and sister came up there and took my son home with them . I waited . Minutes had gone by and a nurse came out and called my name . I got up and followed her to the back . When I got to my room it looked like an old storage room . It had a bed , a chair and a table . That was it . The television was behind glass and there was a cage that could be brought down to keep people from making a phone call or messing with the plugs on the wall . There was also a camera in the room . I was now on suicide watch . I sat there and looked at those walls for 6 damn hours . I cried most of the time because I let a man put me in here . I let him scare me into a hospital . I hated myself and I truly wished I was dead then ; I definitely didn 't want to live any more . In between the time I was sitting there , I had 3 different nurses come in to check on me . One gave me a dry turkey sandwich , graham crackers , applesauce and a ginger ale . I didn 't realize how hungry I was until I bit into the sandwich . I sat in silence the entire time , I didn 't want to watch television , I didn 't want to lie down , and I wanted to be left alone . After 7 hours or so , the Psychologist finally comes in to talk to me . I tell her how I 'm feeling and why I 'm here and she asks for phone numbers - I told her my life story and she wanted phone numbers . She wanted my grandmother 's phone number and my primary Psychologist 's phone number . She left to make her calls and it was at least 30 minutes before she came back to tell me that she wants me to go to the psych ward out in Richmond , Ohio - told me that I have to stay there for 3 days . It 's 11 : 30 at night and I 'm now at the psych ward talking to nurses and the primary psychologist at the ward . It took them at least an hour to get everything situated . They asked me a series of questions : they asked about my family , was I sexually abused the illnesses that run in my family , why I was there , did I still feel suicidal . They asked me everything , at this point , I just wanted to wring their necks and tell them I 'm sick of all these questions , I just want someone to talk to . When they were done they gave me the run - down on what I could and could not do and what I could and could not have . You couldn 't wear anything with strings ; you couldn 't have cell phones , no jewelry - nothing ! Everything I had with me that day they confiscated ; even my husband 's necklace of Africa that I was rubbing and holding on to when I left my apartment . They showed me my room , gave me an extra blanket , and my Trazodone and I went to sleep . It 's May 12 , 2012 and I miss my son terribly . I want to go home and look into his big eyes and tell him how sorry I am . I wanted to hold my son , kiss my son , and be with my son . I didn 't want to be anywhere else . I was so mad at myself for letting someone get to me like that . I slept until one of the nurses came in and told me that my grandmother was on the line . She sounded more depressed than I looked . She wanted me home ; she wanted me to be with my son , not in some psych ward with other suicidal people . On a side note : there were more black people there than any other race . That woke me up . Anyway , I talked to my grandmother for 5 minutes because I remember what they told me the previous night : " no calls longer than 10 minutes " . I walked out into the sitting area where people were eating breakfast and gave the woman behind the glass wall the phone and I stumbled back to my bed and laid back down . I felt like I was in an episode of House MD . There were people screaming and giggling . There was this one woman who blurted out rap verses in the middle of group session and another chick who smiled nonstop . At that moment , I felt like the sanest person in the building . I wanted to go home ; I wanted to be with my son . I felt like I was in jail ; I felt lost . The only thing that I got comfort from was reading a book . If you haven 't read James Patterson - Suzanne 's Diary for Nicholas , it 's a must read . That was a very good book and it made time go by quickly . The psychiatrist for the weekend finally came and he sat down and talked with me first . He asked me the same questions that the other nurses and doctors asked me and he told me a few things that I need to do . We sat and talked , and talked , and talked and then he told me , " You can go home today , instead of Monday " . I wanted to cry , not because I was going home so soon , but because I felt like I should have never been there to begin with . That 's not some place I never want to go again . I was told by my doctors to walk away from arguments when possible . Don 't talk to that person for an entire day if they provoke me . He told me that I can 't be around for my son if I don 't make my health a top priority . He told me that I did the right thing by calling and getting help . He also told me to not worry about who loves me and who doesn 't ; the only person that loves me unconditionally is my son . That statement kind of made me sad but , ok , I got his point . He told me to keep taking my antidepressants and staying healthy and happy ; things will eventually turn out for the better . No telling when that 'll be , I 've been waiting for 24 damn years . To put it in a nut shell , accusations that weren 't true , the name calling , the verbal abuse , it pushed me over the edge and I couldn 't take it anymore . I 'll never let anyone else make me go through that again . The food was a level above regurgitated vomit , the people scared me , I missed my baby , and I 'm glad that I didn 't spend my first Mother 's Day in a psych ward . Share this : Share on TumblrTweetMoreEmailPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . The Best Thing I 've Done is Be a Mom Posted on May 9 , 2012 by Lee When I found out I was pregnant , I was excited , scared , and frustrated all at the same time . I always told myself that I 'd never want children because I lacked the motherly love , the affection , and the emotions that were deprived from me when I was a child . I never had someone read me a story at night . When I had nightmares and cried out , no one cared or came to see if I was okay . When I fell down and hurt myself , no one kissed it and made it feel better . No one told me they loved me , so how can I love someone else ? When I found out I was pregnant , I was months into my pregnancy and I should have known I was pregnant the moment I missed my period but my menstrual cycle has never been regular . I never understood why I was so excited that I was pregnant when I knew and felt that being a mom is something I couldn 't do . This wasn 't my first pregnancy . My very first pregnancy , I was 17 years old . Young and stupid . Doing things that I thought I was grown enough to do . The first time I have sex I wind up pregnant ; I was scared . I was scared of what my friends would think . I was scared that I wouldn 't finish school . That all changed when my grandmother told me to get an abortion . When my grandmother made me get an abortion , I was devastated but sadly , relieved . I was in my last year of school and was months away from graduating . My grandmother told me that I can 't have a child get in the way of me finishing school . All I could think was that , she 's my grandmother and she wouldn 't do anything to hurt me . Then I miscarried years and years after that . I didn 't even have an idea of what a miscarriage was . All I knew was that my cramps were excruciating and they only came around the same time every evening . I was bleeding heavily and crying every night until I finally went to the hospital and they told me that I was pregnant but were no longer . When I got home I took it out on my ex - boyfriend because he wasn 't there for me . Every night I was alone crying and in pain and when I saw him all I saw was red . Then I got mad at myself , how could I take care of a child when I couldn 't take care of myself ? I felt like such a failure and it was my fault . I blamed myself for the miscarriage for a very long time . I stopped blaming myself when I gave birth to my son . He didn 't look at me with agonizing pain , he didn 't scream in terror . He just looked at me through squinted eyes as they were clearing his airways and stared . When they wrapped him up and handed him to me , I was frightened , tired , and excited . So many emotions flowing through me but in the back of my head I was still worried of what he would think of me . I soon realized that my worries were unnecessary . My son doesn 't care how I look ; he doesn 't think I 'm the worse mom ever ; or a failure . He 's everything to me . He 's my hero , my strength , my reason for living . He makes me so happy and everyday he makes me smile . Being a mom is the best thing I 've ever done with my life . I love being a mom . Every other aspect of my life I failed at . I 'm a failure as a friend , a sister , an artist , a wife . I push all of my friends away , I lose interest in things I love and push those away too . I never have been close to my siblings so I pushed them farther away . I 'm sure there are more that I 'm forgetting but the point is , being a mom is what I was meant to be . There 's so many parts of my life that I screwed up by making the wrong decisions . I think the very first one was when I let my grandmother convince me that getting an abortion was okay when I knew in my heart it wasn 't . I wanted my baby and I should have stood up for myself . I love my son unconditionally , I love him so much . I can talk to him and not fear of judgment . When he smiles at me , my world lights up like a jar full of fireflies . I feel like I was born to be a mother and I 'm glad I got a chance to experience motherhood . What I miss the most though is his kicking and punching inside my belly . I miss rubbing my stomach only for him to respond back by kicking my hand . Even though my pregnancy experience wasn 't all that great and I was stressed out for most of it , the end result is all that mattered . I gave birth to my hero . He makes me happy when I 'm down and make my day a lot better . He makes me crazy sometimes and yea he can be a handful but he 's the reason why I live . I live for my son and my son only . He 's all I have and I 'm fine with that fact . |
It had been the usual quiet , airless afternoon in Brenda 's sitting room ; tea and chocolate digestives set out on a tiny side table , the television blinking silently and the fresh air of the outside world held at bay by window locks and net curtains . Joan had pottered her way across the road , as she did every Thursday , with her nice scarf and her best skirt on and they were sitting together in comfort , rehearsing the same conversation , until " their " programme came on at four o ' clock . That was the part they looked forward to most , when they could sit up straight and give opinions about the contestants . You were supposed to want everybody to win , but they didn 't . Not always . That was what happened on Thursday afternoons and that was exactly how they liked it . Familiarity was something to cling to , a comfort late in life , when the world was filled with loss and change , but this afternoon was going to be different . Joan had been thinking , and she had decided it was time to come out with her secret . Brenda blinked anxiously . The truth was she couldn 't remember whether Joan had told her that or not , but if she said so that would be rude . She forgot all sorts of things these days but surely not something like that . What if Joan had already told her about it ? It often happened . They both liked to repeat themselves and if Joan had told her before it was not the sort of thing you were supposed to forget . That would be rude . It would look as though she wasn 't bothered ……… or senile . " I was in Dr Barnado 's to start with , until just before I was four , then after that I was fostered with Aunty Margaret and Uncle Fred . Then this one morning they fetched me into the front room - where we never usually went - and there were these two women there . It was the day before my sixth birthday so I thought it was something to do with that . A surprise . Well I got a surprise all right . I 'd never seen either of them before but they knew all sorts about me . They knew my name , Millicent - " " Yes , that 's who I am really - Millicent . They told me I had to be Joan . So that 's what I 've been all these years - Joan . " Joan took no notice . Of course she would rather have been who she really was . Wasn 't that obvious ? Her voice grew in confidence as she carried on talking , using a quite different tone to the one she used when she was talking about the shortcomings of the neighbours . When she had mentioned being adopted to her other friend , three doors down , she had been told to " put it behind her " and that wasn 't right . Sixty five years was nothing . Nothing at all . She wasn 't going to let Brenda do the same thing . She had something to say and she was going to say it . " Well not my real mam , the woman who I ended up calling mam and my Auntie Jean . They took me away on a bus . We went ever so far . My things had all been packed without telling me - my teddy and everything . They showed him to me so I knew where he was . The bus windows were mucky and I tried to look out but I couldn 't see where we were properly , then it started to rain . Eventually the bus stopped at the bottom of a big hill , Weathersley hill in Stanshaw - " " You would do . Right next to where I was going to go to school only I didn 't know that then - I walked up and down that hill every day for years . We got off the bus . I just held on tight to her hand - the one with the nice hat on , in case I got lost and the one I called mam later on carried my bag . I didn 't even know I was stopping for good . Not till later on . We went in the front door of number thirty six and straight into the kitchen . There was this man standing there . I can tell you just where he was standing . You remember those kitchen units with sliding doors and table parts you could pull down ? " " Well this one was pale yellow and he was standing right next to it . The table part was pulled down and he was standing there with his cap on inside the house . Just looking at me . Then he held out his hand and gave me half a crown . they made me walk towards him like a little dog and say thank you . It was the only time he ever gave me money . I only found out he was my real dad years later . I don 't know if anybody else even knew that to start with . There was nothing on the birth certificate . " Brenda looked down and shook her head . How could you not know your real dad when he was standing in front of you ? What would it be like to be right next to him without knowing ? She wondered whether to offer another cup of tea . The clock ticked . Joan went on talking . " I had to give all my wages to my mam right up until I was eighteen . When I wanted to get married they said I couldn 't because they needed my wages . All those years paying for my keep and more . As if they were doing me a favour . I didn 't ask to be there . I kept wanting to go back home . " " To shut me up I suppose . He came in and saw me with the letter . Grabbed it off me and said it would go straight into my adoption file . " This was wrong . They were both big believers in the royal mail and liked to talk about the post even though they hardly got any , so they knew that . Brenda shook her head . Brenda 's father had hit her but only when she deserved it . She had been loved . Not the way that kids got loved - spoiled - nowadays . Endless treats , dressing up as princesses , having their photograph taken every time they came back in the room . She frowned . " Anyway it didn 't matter . I 'd taken note of the address while I was standing there . I got my friend to go with me and when we got there I remembered it all - I took her straight there . Just knocked on the door . This strange woman answered it , looked straight at me and said , " you 're Millicent aren 't you ? " I said " yes " . Nobody had called me that for years . I 'd only seen it written down . " " No , I never did find out who that woman was or how she knew . Aunty Margaret must have talked about me . They 'd moved three doors down . They were that pleased to see me . " Joan was staring straight at her and Brenda knew that she was waiting for her to say something , but what could she say ? She had a feeling that this was a conversation that was only going to happen once - unlike most of what they said to each other - and she had to be sure to say the right thing . Margaret had brought all the sadness and anger that she had held in from years back and placed it squarely in the middle of her sitting room . The hurt was seeping out , souring the still air and spoiling everything . It made her feel like opening a window to let it out . Of course it wasn 't Joan 's fault and she couldn 't ask her to go home , certainly not just before their programme . Hannah waited for the surprise that always remained a surprise no matter how many times you drove down the driveway to her favourite house . Speke Hall comes at you when you least expect it . A glorious Tudor manor house left behind by time on the edge of Liverpool , stranded in the middle of an urban landscape right next to an airport . Hannah had been there plenty of times but her daughter had only just turned six and it was the first time she had risked bringing her . She was old enough now to build a den in the woods next to the hall if she got bored and sit at a table in the little cafe properly to have some cake . Hannah smiled . Speke hall was like something from a fairytale , a carefully constructed pile of interlocking patterns , sloping eaves , high chimneys and dark mullioned windows . It was a house built with flair , imagination and love . A confident house for people who knew their worth . Now that she knew about the spy hole Keira had completely lost interest in the courtyard and the trees so there was no alternative but to take her straight on into the house itself . Hannah had been dreading this part . There were a million and one things that her daughter might pick up and wave around , bounce on , or sit on without permission . By the time they reached the billiard room Keira was in full flow and Hannah 's patience was wearing thin . The kitchen had been pronounced " boring " and there had been too many rooms , too many " brown paintings " . She was thankful there was nobody else in there . The row of settees at the end of the room were empty . The house guide who was guarding the billiard table smiled at them . He was having a slow day . She darted a look of triumph at her mum and Hannah sat down wearily to watch , thankful to be given a few minutes off . He fetched a step stool for Keira to stand on and showed her what to do , allowing her to roll the balls towards the pockets by hand when the cue proved too unwieldy and giving her a round of applause each time one went in . By the time ten minutes had gone by he knew Keira 's name , how old she was , where she lived , how often she saw her dad , what she was having for her tea , that bananas were yucky and more about Disney princesses than he probably wanted to - especially Moanna . It was the undivided attention that Keira needed and couldn 't always get and both of them were enjoying themselves . He smiled at her mother . Hannah amused herself by looking at the information sheet for the room . It had been very elegant in its day . There was a painting by Whistler on it showing the room full of wealthy , fashionable people whiling away the time in elegant clothes after dinner , sitting around watching the game , flirting and gossiping . Lots of flirting . The billiard table had been made by Gillows of Lancaster - it would have cost a small fortune and no novices would ever have been allowed to risk that baize top back then - let alone children . They would find it strange now to see a parade of strangers coming through the room to gawp at what remained of their lives , allowed to poke around a delicate skeleton which had once been fleshed out with their hopes and dreams , now emptied of warmth and joy . It was just as well that they couldn 't see the room now , however beautiful it still was . The last ball slipped down into a pocket and Keira straightened up to receive her final round of applause . It was time to move on - quit while you are ahead . He had been very patient . So dens it was . Hannah sat deep in thought , and very hungry , while her daughter made herself thoroughly hot and grubby , dragging branches around and putting them in piles . By the time they were ready to eat cake the cafe was almost closing . This wasn 't how Daniel had expected his life to work out . School had been easy . He was tall , dark haired and confident - the kind of lad that the girls noticed and the teachers indulged . He had always known what to say and never worried too much about whether it was true or not . People liked him . He had done as little work as possible and smiled his way out of trouble . So how had he ended up here ? " Here " being a Cornish pasty shop on a draughty city railway station . Full time . Watching people come and go , watching the pigeons up in the iron railings of the roof , watching the ornate station clock count down the minutes of his shift , listening to the rush of trains speeding away to London or Edinburgh , the snatches of conversation , hellos and goodbyes . He was marooned , alone in the centre of things . Everyone was going somewhere and he was left behind , telling customers what the pasty of the day was , bagging it up and asking them if that was all . Sometimes when people said yes it didn 't sound like they meant they only wanted a pasty . Sometimes he watched them walk out and he knew how they felt . This was not where he should be . He froze for a few seconds when he heard her voice , leaving the customer holding out her hand with a five pound note in it . Debbie didn 't like Daniel . She was thick set and middle aged - the kind of woman he had never noticed - and she stared at him when they weren 't busy . She liked telling him what to do and unfortunately he couldn 't stop her as she was in charge . He put down the pasty that he had just bagged on the counter and walked slowly , just slowly enough to make his point but not slowly enough to be rude , out of the serving area and towards the trolley , without asking the customer whether she wanted to order the meal deal . He was obeying orders . Debbie couldn 't complain about that . Let her work the coffee machine . He hated that bloody thing . It snorted and hissed at the back of the shop like some kind of giant alien being , spewing hot water and milk everywhere and demanding a constant round of wiping and polishing . It was dangerous . You had to watch your hands all the time . The customer ordered her coffee and waited calmly for Debbie to make it for her . She was another older woman - even older than Debbie - and she did the same staring at him as he wheeled the trolley towards her . She was in his way . He stood still , looked her in the eyes and spread his arms out . She moved . The two women raised their eyebrows at each other as money changed hands . They didn 't need to say anything . They just knew . The fact was that life had taught Daniel that he didn 't need to bother about customer service . Everything had come easily to him , people , things , experiences . So easily that he had never noticed his chances slipping by . There was always a distraction , always someone ready to give praise or suggest an easy option to fall for , and it had led him here . When she first saw Daniel , Debbie had known straight away that giving him a job had been a bad idea . If she had been manager at the time it would never have happened . She had seen it all coming . The looking at his own reflection in the shining stainless steel of the coffee machine , the way that he would stare straight through her when she had to ask him to do something , the teenage girls taking hours to eat their pasties while they giggled in the corner and stared at him , the absences . It used to matter how well you did your job , now it only seemed to matter how good you looked while you were doing it . And he did look good . She even caught herself staring at him sometimes . It was embarrassing . She just couldn 't dislike him - and she had tried . Time passed more quickly when he was in a good mood , he would tease her , flatter her and teach her fast rhythmic song lyrics that made no sense to her at all . When she asked about the tune he would shrug his shoulders and grin . Other times he just didn 't want to be there and he made that very obvious . Well she didn 't want to be there either . It hadn 't been her life 's ambition to stand on her bad ankle in a pasty shop for hours every day being polite to people . She had been young once , had ideas , and it didn 't seem that long ago . She could still remember . Daniel was lucky . He was young now and he still had choices . He didn 't have to be here . When he finally woke up and realised that the world didn 't owe him a living he probably wouldn 't be . The drop dead gorgeous young woman who had just walked in might cheer him up a bit - that was about the only thing that did . This one would get some decent customer service all right . Louise wondered afterwards why she had decided to have a pasty on her way to the train . It wasn 't like her to eat pastry - she hadn 't stayed this slim by accident . Maybe it was the meal deal advertised on the board outside . Her mind had rushed ahead to later in the day , when she would be on show so it was a shock to see someone she knew looking back at her from the other side of the counter when she looked up , ready to order . Dishy Dan from school . Everybody 's favourite clown . Her first crush . She could see the thoughts racing across his face as he tried to work out who she was . He wasn 't the first to wonder . No glasses , almost two stone lost , a flattering new hair colour and better skin . Well she certainly had his attention now , and it felt good . Money and effort well spent . At least she was dressed for the meeting in her best heels . It was going to be painfully boring but he wasn 't to know that . She smiled at him . He still looked confused . She wanted to show off about her new job but she didn 't . It might be tactless . Of course there were all kinds of reasons why you might end up selling pasties on a railway station , but still . Best not . He flashed her a dazzling smile and suddenly she was fifteen again . Damn . She watched as the middle aged woman waiting by a tower of disposable coffee cups caught his eye , stood to one side with some ceremony and held out her arm towards the coffee machine . What was that all about ? It didn 't take long - he was fast . That would never happen . She was not likely to eat another pasty in a hurry . As she turned and walked out she could feel him watching her leave . And so the day wore on , a day like any other . People came and went as the light changed and the trains whipped by , following their predictable paths . Restless corridors of mystery , carrying people on journeys of all kinds - exciting , mundane , unique , routine . The hands on the station clock clicked round and the electronic displays flickered and rolled across radiant screens , full of possibilities . Four hundred and twenty six cups of coffee were sold in the pasty shop . The stuff of life . Our lives . Megan knew that she was beautiful - although she would never have said so - but she still hadn 't got used to being looked at . When people stared at her she usually thought that there might be something wrong . It took a long time in her bedroom sorting out hair , eyebrows - especially eyebrows - skin and make up to try to reduce the possibility of something wrong being noticed next time . It never dawned on her that a newly minted sixteen year old girl , stick thin with long legs and a drift of long polished hair , dark eyes and a shy way of looking at strangers was always going to attract attention . It wasn 't that she didn 't like attention , or not usually anyway , she just didn 't know how to react to it . Especially if it was a man . Boys her own age were no problem - they were just stupid . They went around with their shirts hanging out and the laces of their dirty trainers trailing in the mud . So long as they had a Superdry logo across their top they were happy . They shouldn 't have been , but they were . When men looked at her it was different . They were checking her out and it made her feel grubby . The man at the bus stop was doing that now . She looked round anxiously for her friend Katie . Katie didn 't mind people looking . She always wore variations on the same outfit . A flimsy dress , covered with a shapeless cardie or a long coat in winter , leggings and Doc Marten boots . Mostly black . Her dark hair was dyed an even deeper shade of black and cut very short . When she went out at night she wore a corset top . She didn 't look like anybody else and she didn 't want to . You must never , ever say that she was a Goth because that would mean she had joined in with something . Megan was in awe of her . Katie could outstare any man who looked at her and she said that she was an anarchist . She had already had sex once and announced that she didn 't like it much . Katie was exciting . She didn 't know how to look good in school uniform but give her a bit of freedom and she knew exactly how to stand out . She looked at Megan critically , taking in her outfit in a glance . Megan fiddled anxiously with the two strands of hair that she had carefully teased out to frame her face . The rest floated gently down her back in a perfectly ordered , shining , pale brown cascade . Katie rolled her eyes . Megan had not told her mother that they were going on a demo . Sixteen was almost old enough to do as you liked but not quite . Her mother had been a punk - now that really was going around rebelling and looking awful - and that should have helped her to understand but that was a very long time ago now . Apart from a tendency to play Blondie very loudly in the afternoons while she was ironing and a few grubby photo booth portraits with her tongue hanging out you would never know . When the bus reached the city centre people were already gathering amidst a forest of placards . Most of them said variations on " Hands off our NHS " but some were quite funny . There was a young woman in a white doctors coat carrying one that said , " this sign would look better if I hadn 't worked a seventy hour week " and a lot more children than Megan had expected . One tiny boy was being held up by his mum clutching a sign that said , " toddlers against the cuts " . It was like a party - not dangerous at all . People were happy to be there , all thinking the same thing . One voice . She started to relax . Katie ran across to a man who was giving out small blue " save our NHS " placards and brought two back . Megan nodded , too full of emotion to speak . She wasn 't sure . Three months ago she wouldn 't have been . Six months ago she would have been lying in intensive care after having her rib cage cracked open and her heart cut into . The team who had replaced her defective heart valve , looked after her and brought a body who expected to die back to life were her heroes now . There were dozens of them . People from all over the world , brought together to give her a new start . From the Spanish surgeon , who had just smiled at her quietly when she thanked him , to the small woman with long dark hair who had brought warm , carefully buttered toast with a piece of kitchen roll over it to her bedside each morning for the first few days . All of them . She slipped her spare hand inside her coat to feel her heart beating . The surgeon had told her that he had given her " a good valve " . When everything was silent she could hear it ticking . Her mum had been promised that she was going to have a quiet sit down in a coffee shop with Katie . They would do that afterwards . It wasn 't a lie . She would be fine . The crowd was moving slowly and the city square where the speeches would be happening wasn 't far away . It began as a presence . There was nothing to see or hear , nothing to feel even , yet she knew that it was there . She was being watched . When other people were around her she found it harder to sense , but as soon as she was alone again it was there . Watching . Listening . For a time she could shake it off by turning her head to reassure herself that there was nothing there , and she could carry on with what she was doing , but slowly the conviction grew in her that the presence was waiting for a response . It wanted her to say something . She told nobody , if her mind was wandering then it was best kept to herself , so she went to work , cooked , met friends , did the school run , slept , and told herself that nothing was wrong . After all , if she could see nothing , hear nothing , what could possibly be wrong ? She would get over it . Strangely , when the presence turned into a pale shadow on the kitchen wall and she could see it for the first time it was almost a relief . There was something there after all . She was not losing her mind . It was real . She simply turned her head after switching the kettle on , as she had done so many times before and instead of seeing nothing , this time she found herself looking at a shadow . It was not being made by sunlight from the window and there were no electric lights switched on in the middle of the day . There was no reason for it to be there …… other than force of will . The question was , whose ? The shadow began to prey on her mind . Every time she went into the kitchen she could look at nothing else . It had to go . She waited until she was sure that she would be alone in the house for a few hours , locked the doors , then fetched the pot of white emulsion paint from the cupboard under the stairs and started to paint furiously . Three coats were not enough to erase the shadow . After five coats she realised that she was wasting her time , any number of coats would not be enough . If anything the shadow had darkened , gained power and confidence . The only thing that had changed was the smell of paint filling the kitchen - they would be asking about that when they all came home . For the first time she was truly afraid . From that moment on the shadow didn 't just stay in the kitchen . It moved around the house with her , settling onto a wall close by her , waiting . She never saw it move , it just remained with her wherever she was . Nobody else in the house mentioned it . She kept watching their faces to see if they showed any sign that they could see it , afraid to ask . Either they would say that they could , and a torrent of pent up feelings and emotions would be unleashed , or they would say that they couldn 't and wonder what was the matter with her . Whichever it might be she didn 't want to hear it . This was something which she had to deal with alone . It belonged to her . As the weeks passed the shadow darkened and its edges became clearer , more distinct . She got into the habit of drinking her coffee in front of it while she watched to see if she could catch this process happening , trying to guess what it might be . It was something , she was sure of that now . Whichever wall it settled on , whatever the time of day , the shape was the same but the depth of the darkness in it no longer changed . It was now the deep , velvet black of a hole in space , reflecting nothing and drawing her in towards it . As she went about her daily life it held out a promise of glorious , unending , dangerous emptiness - it knew that she would come when called . It became an escape that she reached towards , a chasm that she would be thankful to fall into . It became her friend . After many hours of sitting and looking into the darkness she finally decided that she must talk to it . It took a long time to gather enough courage - what if it answered ? - but one early morning , at first light , she managed , very quietly , to say something . It was the obvious question . She would never know whether the voice that she heard next came from the depths of the shadow or from inside her own head . Perhaps it didn 't matter . Perhaps it was the same thing . Fear clutched at her heart . This was what she had longed for more than anything else , but it shouldn 't be happening . Jonathan shouldn 't be here . This should not be happening . She waited in silence , hands shaking . The shadow spoke again , the voice familiar , reassuring . Geoffrey is worried . His small , bright eyes stare out from his wrecked body as it lies , stretched out painfully , in his hospital bed . He isn 't sure why he is here . His legs hurt and they keep doing things to him , moving them about when he doesn 't want them to . He wants them to leave him alone , except that he is worried and he needs to talk to someone . He is in trouble and it is upsetting him because he has never done anything wrong before …… . and now this . He is worried about the insurance people who are going to come after him . He needs to ask someone about it but they just keep walking past the end of his bed . People he hasn 't seen before . Strangers . So many of them . When he tries to talk to them they keep walking . If he can 't persuade someone to listen to him , the next person who walks past might be someone from the insurance . It might be one of the people coming to get him because he is in trouble . They will find out where he is . They will know . He grabs at his bed sheet . He should hide . He is going to get out of bed before they find him . One of the women in a white uniform who does things to him is putting his legs back in bed . It hurts . He shouts . She covers his legs up under the bed sheet and walks on before he can explain about the people who are coming . He doesn 't have the energy to lift himself up again so he just watches , his lips moving silently . Sometimes the people walking past are carrying documents , even pushing trolleys full of them . Words . Evidence . There is a file at the end of his bed that they keep writing in . More evidence . All waiting for the insurance people to find . All they have to do is walk past , pick it up and look . It isn 't locked away or anything . The person walking past doesn 't stop . He doesn 't even glance across . He is going somewhere else . Busy . They are all going somewhere else but Geoffrey doesn 't know where . The person sitting by the next bed turns round and looks at him . Geoffrey fixes his eyes on her . She seems kind , she has been there for a long time and she is not wearing a uniform . She has a bright red scarf and she is smiling at him . He dares to ask her a question . Geoffrey tries to take this in . It doesn 't feel like he is being looked after . Not at all . His family know that he is here and they don 't seem to mind but he does . Where are they ? He isn 't convinced . The woman doesn 't know about the people looking for him . She does seem sorry though and she is looking him in the eye . She is kind . She is not one of those people . He gives a slight nod , trying to take in what she has just said . He has told his family about the insurance people and Peter said that he would deal with it but Geoffrey doesn 't trust Peter any more . Peter was the one who brought him in here and left him among all these strangers . Anyway Peter gets things wrong . Peter is busy like those people walking past . He will forget . " I need to tell you something . I am in trouble . There are people coming to see me about it . Insurance people . I have never done anything wrong before . " He tries to tell her more , as best he can , saying that they will want him to go with them and they will stand him up in a court of law to explain things that he doesn 't understand , but worry scrambles his words . The woman listens . She can see that Geoffrey is - or has been - a good , clever man and she is sorry . She tells him that everything will be sorted out , there is nothing to worry about , that he is safe , comfortable , protected , he is here to get better . He fixes his eyes on her and listens and for those few moments he does feel better and his mind is stilled . The people will not come . At least not yet . Leave a comment When Margaret had first bought her seaside bungalow , after Bill 's death , it had seemed like a very good choice . It was on a nice estate , well maintained , close enough to a doctor and a small supermarket , and there were no memories . A fresh start . A safe choice . The kind of choice that she had been making all her life . Her daughters were pleased - perhaps that was because they wanted her to be happy or perhaps they were just pleased that she was carefully parked in a place where she would need little help . Accessible but not too accessible . She wasn 't sure . Probably both . Luckily she was used to her own company - Bill had never said much - and she had always kept herself to herself as her mother had told her to , years ago . It took her a while to realise that she was being watched . Of course she didn 't let that stop her going to the shops . Today she needed milk , the soft bread rolls with seeds on top and pork chops , so she put her coat on and strode out with her bag , keeping her head up and her face closed . No trolley dragging behind her . That was the thin edge of the wedge that led to mobility scooters and slow decline . When she was asked how her daughter was getting on by someone who she had only seen from the other side of the road , a woman whose name she didn 't know , she was taken aback . Especially when the conversation started with her own name , carefully used to claim the right of asking . She was so taken aback that she answered straight away without thinking and ended up with a conversation that she didn 't want and far more information about the other woman than she was ever going to need . It was difficult to get away . In fact she came dangerously close to accepting an invitation for coffee at the local library . She walked away frowning , wondering how the woman had known that Ruth had been in hospital . It was only after she had reached the turn in the road that led to the town centre that she remembered mentioning it in the butchers . Nowhere else . Just the butchers . They were talking about her . This was the kind of place where people sat around waiting for something to happen . It didn 't matter what it was - gas vans , ambulances , the little town bus , district nurses , a strange car parked up , you name it . Anything that moved was watched . Anything unknown was wondered about . If a pair of curtains opened at the wrong time - or worse still didn 't open - the worst was assumed . If they stayed closed whispers would begin to go round . There was much fear beneath the well ordered lawns and rose beds . These people were waiting for the worst to happen to them and they were afraid . They were sitting there , quietly watching Pointless and Tipping Point on their big televisions , waiting for their world to be blown apart . They were old enough to have seen it happen to others - it would soon be Margaret didn 't tell her daughter any of this of course . Nobody did . One of the sentences heard more than any other on the estate was " they 've got their own lives " . These lives excused adult children from phone calls , shortened their visits , and provided a chance for those whose lives were no longer noticed to boast quietly about someone else . Someone who was still out there , making themselves count , living on their behalf . Smiling photos were sent through the post to take their place , objects of veneration which sat there unchanging in their frames , pointed out proudly to anyone who saw them - as though absence could be excused by an image . Mind you , when it came to Jessica , her oldest daughter , an unmoving , smiling photograph often came as something of a relief after a visit from the real thing . She might have a PhD but she wasn 't as clever as she thought she was and it was a nuisance having to hide the Daily Mail . The butcher was his usual cheerful self . Margaret wanted to tell him that she was not his love but she kept her lips closed . After all if she wouldn 't tell him her name what did she expect . She smiled politely . Yes two , Margaret thought - that surprised you didn 't it - and I 'm not going to tell you why . The chops were shown to her and then wrapped up carefully . Jessica liked pork chops and she would be here in a few hours . She would braise them in a nice sauce made from white wine , a little bit of vegetable stock cube , chopped up apple , half a leek and a drop of cream . Not too much cream or Jessica would scrape off the sauce and say she was allergic . That was nonsense of course - Jessica had eaten cream for years - but you couldn 't tell her . Thinking about it she had better get some more cream in case the tub in the fridge had gone off . She held out £ 3 . 25 towards the butcher 's outstretched hand and they both said thank you all over again . So much gratitude for two simple pork chops . Silly really . The town was quiet now that the summer visitors were gone . Familiar faces had reappeared after being lost in the crowds for a while . The saying that you had to summer and winter a place before you could think of yourself as properly settled in was never more true than here . This place was used to comings and goings . It was somewhere you could disappear . People got used to seeing you about but they didn 't think about it for very long . Plenty of people passed through , and many of them soon moved on . A face would be seen on the street for a few weeks or months , and then it would be gone . No reason why . The visitors , the retired folk on the estates who went on long cheerful rambles with the walking club , the elderly whose families deposited them in one of the large hotels on the front which had been turned into nursing homes , the visitors from the tin boxes filling the fields on the edge of the town , the day trippers who filled up the grassy car parks on the cliff top , and the students who came out of nowhere to do the seasonal work each summer , they would all leave sooner or later . This place was used to strangers and they could feel comfortable there . Or at least some of them could . At least the supermarket would be more bearable now . They had over - baked all the seeded rolls that she liked . Again . The woman at the customer service desk was not as sorry about it as she tried to sound . Gratitude again . For what ? And if " them " was the woman with the long face behind the bread display , who had a habit of mangling warm loaves of bread inside the slicing machine , she might as well not bother . At least the cream was sitting there , ready to be bought without incident , and she remembered to reach to the back to get a better sell by date . Small victories . Sometimes she liked to go to the checkout aisle where the cheerful woman sat on the till - she always found something to laugh about and you could hear her at the other side of the store - but not today . She crept out via the self service till and allowed the disembodied voice to thank her for buying a tub of cream and a pack of six rolls that she didn 't really want . Jessica would be here soon . With little Jake . Jake was the one human being - probably the one thing on the entire planet - that Margaret did not have mixed feelings about . Her first grandchild - two years and five months old - had proved himself utterly perfect in every way , outstripping with ease any other grandchild that anyone else might have , ever . Jake was an unexpected gift to her in late middle age , after Jessica had finally found someone to settle down with who could keep her under control and he was just …… . well perfect . There was nothing else to say . When his mother complained about him Margaret had learned to sit there and answer back in her own head - usually " shut up he 's perfect " - while letting her daughter talk . It wasn 't easy being a mother . Sometimes when she listened to Jessica talking to Jake she could hear herself , over thirty years ago , and it made her cringe . She had not been a bad mother … . . had she ? …… . but she certainly could have been a better one . Margaret kept a box of toys in a special cupboard all ready for Jake 's visits . She liked to add something small as a surprise each time he came and she knew which biscuits and sweets he liked best . Jessica didn 't like him having too much sugar and she talked about " spoiling " but once every few weeks didn 't harm and if his gran couldn 't spoil him , who could ? He ran it all off anyway . She hugged her shopping bag close as she walked back down the road , thinking of his face as the cupboard door opened and his tiny birdlike voice shouting " nan nan " . Nobody else in the whole world would ever call her that . A young mother walked by with her own toddler , sitting bolt upright in her pushchair . They had such elaborate pushchairs these days - more like formula one racing cars than things you would take a baby out in . Not pushchairs …… what did Jessica insist they were called ? Travel systems . That was it . And they cost a fortune . As if wheeling your child a few hundred yards down the road was the same as crossing the sahara . Such nonsense . There were no children living onLeave a comment Welcome to my blog ! I hope that you find something here to interest you . If you have any thoughts , ideas or questions about what I have written please leave me a comment . I 'd love to hear what you think . Top Posts A Minton Peacock . David Hockney . A Bigger Picture . Royal Academy . 01 - 02 - 12 Monument . Susan Hiller . 1980 - 81 . Leeds Art Gallery . Part of the exhibition Art In Our Time . 24 - 05 - 12 ' Tis Pity She 's a Whore . West Yorkshire Playhouse . 19 - 05 - 11 Howard Hodgkin Prints . Scarborough Art Gallery . 14 - 07 - 11 An Intimate Evening With The Unthanks . Stephen Joseph Theatre . 11 - 05 - 12 Text based Art at Tate Liverpool . 1 - 10 - 10 Cornelia Parker 's Neither From Nor Towards . Part of the exhibition " falling up " at the Courtauld Gallery . 22 - 08 - 11 Every childhood lasts a lifetime . Recent Comments patricia1957 on Short Story : The Adoption … juliapattison9 on Short Story : The Adoption … patricia1957 on Short Story : The Adoption … pennygadd51 on Short Story : The Adoption … pennygadd51 on The Dark Self . Susan Aldworth … Patricia RogersCreate your badge " In order to really enjoy a dog , one doesn 't merely try to train him to be semihuman . The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog . " - Edward Hoagland Blog at WordPress . com . Patricia Rogers ' Weblog Blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
4Then one of the twelve , called Judas Iscariot , went unto the chief priests , 15And said unto them , What will ye give me , and I will deliver him unto you ? And they covenanted with him for thirty pieces of silver . 16And from that time he sought opportunity to betray him . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 41And he cometh the third time , and saith unto them , Sleep on now , and take your rest : it is enough , the hour is come ; behold , the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners . 42Rise up , let us go ; lo , he that betrayeth me is at hand . 43And immediately , while he yet spake , cometh Judas , one of the twelve , and with him a great multitude with swords and staves , from the chief priests and the scribes and the elders . 44And he that betrayed him had given them a token , saying , Whomsoever I shall kiss , that same is he ; take him , and lead him away safely . 45And as soon as he was come , he goeth straightway to him , and saith , Master , master ; and kissed him . 46And they laid their hands on him , and took him . Judas Iscariot is a puzzle to me . But he was the one that put the crucifixion in motion . He was the one that must have been the most susceptible to Satan . Was it just a weak moment ? Did he just want to make everyone happy ? Obviously he did not understand how far the chief priests would take their part of these events . Judas knew that Christ knew what was at hand ; how Judas was betraying him . The trigger of these events is what , money ? A lot of times betrayal is for money or power . Someone has the upper hand , and someone else wants to be in charge . Have you ever watched The Celebrity Apprentice ? I don 't normally watch it . I watched a few season 's ago with Gene Simmons and Trace Adkins . I am watching this season of it now . This season has a few interestingly strange people on the show . They are all working for individual charities to raise money , but collectively as a group they must do projects . It is men versus women . The first challenge was won by the men . The second one was won by the women . After the challenge both teams meet with Donald Trump , his son , Don , Jr . , and daughter , Ivanka . They learn who has won , what the pros and cons of each team were and then the winning team goes to celebrate and watch as the losing team loses a player . In many board room scenes , Donald Trump tries hard to make the losers blame someone . Someone is " thrown under the bus " , or the scapegoat . Sometimes it is the Project Manager . A lot of times it is just the least essential person of the team at that time . My take on Judas Iscariot is that he was totally essential to the events leading up to Jesus ' crucifixion , but as a part of the disciples , you do not hear much from him . Was his heart really in to Christ 's teachings ? Did he buy into the whole gospel ? Obviously not ! If he had then maybe things would have worked out differently for him . But , I think that by the end of his life ( just a few days later ) , he understood the depth of what he had started . He tried to take back his part in the game , but it was too late . The Sanhedrin didn 't need him or the blood money . They accomplished what they set out to do . Poor Judas ! Really ? Do you feel sorry for him ? I do in a way , but only because he got caught up in the whole money / power thing . It 's sad to think that any of us can and probably have done something to get ahead and hurt others . The thing about what Judas did was that if Christ hadn 't been betrayed , then there would be no crucifixion , no empty grave , no salvation ! Christ Arose . Christ Arose , Indeed ! While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper , a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume , which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table . When the disciples saw this , they were indignant . " Why this waste ? " they asked . " This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor . " Aware of this , Jesus said to them , " Why are you bothering this woman ? She has done a beautiful thing to me . The poor you will always have with you , but you will not always have me . When she poured this perfume on my body , she did it to prepare me for burial . I tell you the truth , wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world , what she has done will also be told , in memory of her . " This story never struck me until I was asked to sing a song about this called Alabaster Box . This story tells us that sometimes it 's about an individual , not the masses . People get so involved in helping the environment , or the cause , that they forget the people . I thought I would have a lot of time to say what I want to say about Easter / Resurrection week . But it has slipped through my fingers because of exhaustion , surgeries , and life . I see the greater good of everything , but do not make use of my time the way I should . Christ used this last week of his earthly life to spend it with friends . In this instance , he went to a dinner with his disciples and used the time to teach us a lesson . I am not sure the lesson actually got through to the disciples though . They may have understood later , but they thought Jesus was a strange bird at times . He talked about helping the poor , yet when he did something like this it may have been confusing to them . I like this story because he tells them that he is going to die , but he did not make that the point of this story . He made the point of the story that this woman would be remembered for her part in the story . He loved her for doing this wonderful thing for him . But what caused her to actually do this ? Why did this woman have such a strong desired to anoint Christ 's body ? Was that something that God put in her heart ? Because surely , no one understood what he was really about to do . Was she scared that the leaders were really going to kill him ? Was she privy to that information ? I don 't think we will ever know . What we do know is that sometimes the individual act is more important than total cause . At 5 : 25pm , they wheeled her back for a simple two and a half hour surgery . I text several people letting them know that they have taken back and surgery will be over soon . Mike 's sister told me to go eat , mostly because it will take a lot of time from the waiting , but I also went because I was told by a good friend that I need to keep my strength up too . I knew this would be true because I am a terrible nurse . I can not help but get weak when people tell me of their injuries or surgeries in great detail . Not a good thing for me . I was worried about how I strong I would be for Allie . A nurse showed us the way to the waiting room . When we got there , the receptionist there said , " I have been waiting for you for a long time . You must be the Fox family . " I asked her if we were last and she said that we were . She told me that her shift ended at 7pm and that when the surgery was over someone would come out to talk to us . I told her we were going down to eat and she asked for my cell number . They don 't give you beepers there . It is logical , because almost everyone has a cell number . So , Michael left and Mom , Dad , Mike , Timm and me went down to the cafeteria for supper . I ate and was anxious to get back up to that waiting room . There were several tvs on and one by one , families were called back to recovery and into the little rooms for consultations with doctors . Soon it was just us and another family . Soon it was just us . Soon , the receptionist left and told us that when it was our turn to go back , just go through these doors and follow the fish on the floor . She also told us that if the phone rang , to answer it . It would probably be for us anyway . At eight , it was 2 . 5 hours . I commented on that , and Timm told me to call back there . I said I would wait a few more minutes . By this time , Timm and Mom were watching NCIS , Dad was doing a puzzle book , and Mike was watching me . I was pacing . I had been standing most of the day and couldn 't still . At 8 : 15 , I finally couldn 't take it and called back . Someone answered and I asked about Allie and what was going on . The person told me she would find out and call me back . When she did , she said that the doctor was just taking out the gall bladder and would come talk to us after he closed up . That satisfied me for a few . I was texting a few people and that helped too . At 8 : 45 , a nurse came out and said that the doctor was on his way to see us . She showed us to a little room . There was three chairs and all of us packed in . The doctor came in carrying a specimen cup . He shook everyone 's hand and he sat in one of the three chairs . As told us that Allie did really good and that he wanted us to see this . This , was her gall bladder and the stones . He held the cup up and all you saw was white pebbles in pink water . They covered the bottom and pushed against the sides . He unscrewed the top and picked up tweezers and pulled out the gall bladder . He said " This is highly unusual for a child to have so many stones . " The gall bladder looked like a squished tomato and stones were still coming out of it . Doctor picked around the stones and picked up several that were pea sized , as big as the end of Mike 's pinky . No wonder Allie was in pain a lot of time . Timm asked if he could keep her gall bladder and the doctor looked at him and said , " No . " The doctor also told us that because it was so infected and full , he had to make an extra incision . So instead of the regular four small cuts , she has a fifth one . He said that everything was fine and that he would come see her in the morning . We all thanked him and he took his leave of us . We went back out to the waiting room and I was in tears . I just felt bad that she had to go through all that and that it was that bad for her and I was so tired . But I also knew that she would feel better and would be strong . Dad , Mike and I all made necessary calls . All were glad it was over . Mom and Dad took charge of Timm . Mike and I waited for a nurse to let us go back to see Allie . Allie was awake in recovery , but kept her eyes closed . She talked to us a bit and when I started to tell her about her gall bladder , she told me that she didn 't want to hear about it . She just wanted to sleep . The nurses with her said she was doing great and they showed us her incisions . I readied myself to look , but it wasn 't so bad . The nurses did what they needed and got her ready to go to her room . It was a long walk to her room . We kept pace with the young lady who wheeled her bed , and helped when we could . But we made it . The healing was beginning . Well , that was very eventful . We went to the hospital Tuesday around 12 : 15 pm for Allie 's 2 pm surgery . We were standing there registering her and a Nurse Jayne came up and said , " This is my patient . " She took the chart and said , " No it isn 't . My patient 's name is Matthew . " She thought it was Timm that was the patient . Nurse Jayne decided to take Allie on as a patient anyway . We checked in the pre - surgery area and got Allie settled . By then , our associate minister , Michael Dawson , was there . They weighed her , measured her , talked to her and then she put on the " fashionable " gown the hospital gives the kids to wear . My Aunt Marie and Uncle Bob came for a while ( Thank you ! ) and sat with us , as well as my parents . We went through all the paperwork and questions that was required and then it was 1 : 30 pm . Michael prayed with us . Then it was 2 : 10 . When I realized that , I went out the nurses station and asked what the hold up was . The nurse was really nice and told me she would call the OR and come talk to us . The surgery before Allie 's was not going very well and the Dr . G could not put a time limit on it . The nurse said that only when they pressed him about a time did he even attempt to put a time limit on it . He said maybe another hour . She told me that if another hour passed , then call her . She asked if we wanted someone from their Life Child department to come and get a movie for Allie to watch . That was nice . They do not have many movies for older children to watch , but she chose a mindless one she had seen several times , and she began to watch . Mom , Michael and I sat and talked . At 3 : 45 , the nurse came in and told us that the OR called and the doctor was still working on the patient before us and could not leave them . Of course , we understood , how could you ask the surgeon to just leave the middle of what they are doing ? We didn 't know the problems of the family or child before us , all we could do was pray for them . By then , Allie had not had anything to eat or drink since 9 : 59 that morning . She complained of a hBy this time , Michael went out to the waiting room to talk to Mike , Timm and my Dad . ( Marie and Bob had left . ) I had not eaten since before 11 and I sent Timm and my Dad down to get me a Diet Coke and some cookies or something . Allie was okay , but I wasn 't leaving until they took her to the OR . Timm came back with the food and I went out to the waiting room to snack and try and get Michael to leave . He wouldn 't because he would rather sit there and fight traffic . Good call , I think . LOL So we talked in the waiting room and Mike and Mom were back with Allie , as was Timm . Then Timm came running out and said the anethesiologist was there to talk to her . YAY ! I go running back and meet Dr . Kibblebeck . He tells Allie that they are cleaning up the room and that they will be putting meds into her IV and she will go to sleep and not remember anything . He had her try out her jokes for Dr . G on him and he likes them . Then he shakes our hands and leaves . that was between 4 : 30 and 5 : 00 . So a few minutes later , the nurse comes in and says they are getting close to taking her . I am happy by then because this has turned into a long , long day . Waiting is not a strong suit of ours . We all were basically forced to stay in an area and wait for Allie 's turn . We wait in traffic , for test results , for other people . But why doesn 't it bother me to wait for Christ 's return ? I hope it is because there is so much work to be done , but I am afraid it is because of the distractions of the world too . Allie and Timm use to watch a cartoon called " Jimmy Neutron " . This friend of Jimmy 's sings this song , " Waiting and sitting . Sitting and waiting . " that is totally what we were doing on Tuesday . Not fun , but we knew what we were doing and why . Do we know what we are doing here for Christ ? I hope you do , but if you don 't , I pray you find out soon . Today we are in the eye of the storm . Many instances in the Bible , a story has a storm in it . Jonah was running away from his calling and God had a storm come up on the ship . Jonah knew that the storm was for him . He convinced the sailors to throw him overboard and all was calm . Jesus was asleep in the boat and his followers became frightened because of a storm . They woke Jesus up and he calmed the storm . Paul was on a ship that a storm blew in on and the men on that boat became shipwrecked . Right now , I am calm . The house is quiet , except for the washer and tv . The sky looks gray and the cement is wet . It is a good day to hide under the covers and sleep . But that will not be happening . There is a few errands to run , packing to do and keeping Allie happy ( that is a full time job today , I think ) . That 's what I thought . She is allowed to have clear liquids and jello until ten A . M . She is fine with that . Until she smells real food . Then all bets are off . But God will be here with us all day . He will call out to us , " PEACE ! " I hope that whether we hear Him or not , his calming effect will seep into our minds , hearts , and nerves . When I get so nervous I can 't remember my own address and phone number , I always remember Psalm 23 . The highlighted section is what I always remember . I love that God leads me beside quiet waters . I use to love going into my grandparents woods and down to the creek . I didn 't do it very often , but there were these huge trees and it was quiet and shadowy and the creek was hardly a little trickle of water . But it made me feel calm . I woke up from a restless night sleep , not wanting to really get up , but knowing that this day had to start . I got up , and did all the things I do in the quiet of the morning . My morning was going along fine until " WHAM ! " my stomach started bothering me . Not a big deal , I took the magic medicine the doctor prescribed me knowing soon that I would feel better . But that isn 't the case . I have to admit , that without me realizing it , worry is taking over me . I really haven 't tried to let it seep in . I know that Allie will be fine . I know that the surgeon , his staff and everyone else that will take care of her will do an excellent job . But this is my daughter . She is going through something that I have not had to go through . They are taking a piece of her out of her . I know that you can live with out it . I know that this surgery is one of the easiest ones to recover from . But I am still apprehensive . Even though I didn 't realize it when I woke up this morning , my body is in worry mode . I am not even sure what I am worried about ? Am I worried that something will go wrong ? Am I worried about Allie 's reaction to anything and everything in the hospital ? Am I worried about her in general ? Yes is the answer to all those questions . I just hope that I can let the nagging feeling leave me and the peace and assurance that God gives us cover me like a warm quilt . I want to show my daughter that I am not worried . She told me yesterday that she wants everyone to quit making a big deal over her . She doesn 't want anyone to worry . Well , I am sorry , but that will never happen as long as I am breathing . I will pray for her every day and whether she likes it or not , I will do what I can for her . I guess though , I should not let her see me like this . She is so ready for all of this to go away . Me too ! So pray for our peace of mind . I hate worrying . I try not to do it often , but sometimes there is just too much for me to bear . So I lay it at the cross and ask Christ to take it . He knows that we are worried and He knows that Allie will be okay . I just need to trust Him more . The luck ' o the Irish to ya ! I have just a smidgen of Irish in me from my paternal grandmother and a lot of blarney in me from my maternal and paternal grandfathers . I couldn 't go with out wishing you a Happy St . Patrick 's Day . For those of you who can , wear your green , tell someone to kiss you because you are Irish , and have some corned beef and hash . Celebrating our heritage is a good thing . Knowing where you have come from is imporrtant . You need to know what you ancestors went through , the good and bad , to learn from . You may make the same mistakes , you may not . In the movie , Forrest Gump , there is a part where we go through this history of Lt . Dan . His ancestors died in every major war that the U . S . A . had fought in . He was furious when Forrest saved him from death during the movie because he thought his destiny and duty was to die the same way . I always thought that was interesting . Kinda like the if everyone else jumps off a bridge , would you do it too ? God gives us a way out to not be like our ancestors or the world . I feel more than " the luck ' o the Irish " when I think of God giving not only his chosen people of the Old Testament , the Israelites / Jews salvation , but when he opened it up to the Gentiles . Thank goodness for that , or most of us wouldn 't even be considered . Acts 10 : 45 says , " The circumcised believers who had come with Peter were astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on the Gentiles . " God showed Peter in Acts that his love and saving grace is for all men , not just a race . So we should celebrate our Christianity not only on Easter and Christmas , or even every Sunday , but every day . We sometimes sing a praise song that says " But ye are a chosen generation , a royal priesthood , an holy nation , a peculiar people ; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light ; " - 1 Peter 2 : 9 . I love that we are called peculiar people . I take on offense to that . I am peculiar , set apart , and strange . I call it unique ! How quickly the direction of life changes . One minute you are flying along , doing laundry and dishes , the next you are running to doctors and practices . We all know that in an instant , lives change . The musical , " Hello Dolly " , has a scene where a young man is talking about how long it takes to fall in love . He says that an instant is not it , and a minute is too long . An older lady looks at him and says , " A moment . " Cornelius brightens and says " Yes , a moment . " That is how long it has taken for each of my children 's lives to change . Most of you know that Allie is having gall bladder surgery next Tuesday . So we are doing all we can to prepare her for this . After supper last night , she came out of her room sniffling . I looked at Mike and got up to see what was going on . Last night she was feeling scared and down . She wouldn 't even hang out with her BFF . I sat on her bed and asked her what she was feeling . She told me she didn 't know . She didn 't know why she was crying . I told her that it was okay for her to cry . I told her I expected her to run the gamut of emotions for the next 7 days . She can cry , be angry , yell , and act goofy . It is all perfectly natural for these things to run through her . I let her cry until she was done . I suggested we go to my room and watch a movie . After a while , she decided that is a good idea . So she picked , of all things Finding Nemo . I thought several things when she picked this movie . First , it was one of her childhood favorites and she should pick something light and fun to watch . Next , as we started watching it , this movie shows of how lives change in a moment , how we go through scary things , and how we fight to get back . All of these are wonderful qualities in a movie . We laughed at the goofy fish , Dorey , who couldn 't remember anything , but could talk to whales , could read , and was so optimistic about life . She was laughing by the middle of the story . Timm , also has had a " moment " to change his path . He has been talking about doing track for the past month or so . But an ankle injury has blocked that , and he just hasn 't seemed really into it . During my last hour or work , Mike text me and told me that he didn 't think that Timm wanted to do track and was upset that he seemed to be making excuses . When I got home , Timm started telling me about how in band , the director asked the boys of the band if any of them would be interested doing a bit for the high school musical . He said if he did this he couldn 't do track . I looked him in the eyes and asked him which was more important to him . He looked at his dad and said , " Dad , there 's your answer . " He wants to act and do plays and band . We have no problem with this . In fact , I am secretly thrilled . I love going to plays and band concerts , so this is going to be fun for me . The musical is The Music Man . Timm will be in the little boy band that we see at the end . Remember the moments of your life . Remember the life changes the brought you to where you are now . That brought you to Christ . Moments are not always wonderful things , but usually they are life changing . Posted by 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ , the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort , 4who comforts us in all our troubles , so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God . 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives , so also through Christ our comfort overflows . 6If we are distressed , it is for your comfort and salvation ; if we are comforted , it is for your comfort , which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer . 7And our hope for you is firm , because we know that just as you share in our sufferings , so also you share in our comfort . Comfort is something I keep thinking about . I want to comfort Allie in her time of pain and ease her mind as to her upcoming surgery . I want to comfort my friend in her sorrow of her mother 's passing . To both I feel helpless , though . I don 't know what I can do to help , except just be there for them , listen to them , and help out when needed . I know that I am not the only one around them that wants to help and feels like this . When I was at my friend 's house , she had her husband and a friend there already . Others came before us , and others came after us . She knows who she needs for what and who she can count out to help out . I don 't know exactly how she is feeling , because I have never lost my mother . But I know that someday it will happen and my friend will be there by my side , along with a lot of other loving , caring friends . In times like these , you need to have that perspective . There are some things that just are more important than others . With Allie , I just have to be there . I can do more for her because a ) I am with her a lot more and b ) I am her mother . I don 't know what pain she is feeling and she has my mother , her aunt , and several of you to talk to about it . But , I know that I am the one she turns to when she needs something , when she is crying , when a decision needs to be made . As her parents , we are the ones doing a lot of comforting . But comfort is also something that both my friend and my daughter know Christ does for you . During your darkest , neediest moments , He is there with His arms around you , holding you up and letting you cry on His shoulder . He is there , in the dark , listening to your unspoken fears and questions . He is the one giving you peace of mind . And some day , you will thank him for it . Not today or next week , but sometime in the future . How do you solve a problem like Timm ? How do you keep a teenage boy from getting a bigger than life attitude ? How do you teach a kid just coming into his prime , self - control ? That is the question of the day . Self - control is one of those things that is a learned trait . Some people have learned early in life how not to act too quickly on certain urges . Timm has an oral problem . He lacks self - control in the classroom ( and anywhere else for that matter ) by talking and passing notes . He seems to have been getting away with it , and the teacher should have not let him get away with anything . I am not blaming the teacher for Timm 's actions , but he didn 't help the situation . So we need to figure out how to rectify this problem . 1 Corithians 10 : 13 . The only temptation that hast come to you is that which everyone has . But you can trust God , who will not permit you to be tempted more than you can stand . But , when you are tempted , he will also give you a way to escape so that you will be able to stand it . There is a way out of temptation . Not only is there a way out , we can help others when they go through similar temptations or even trials . We have an obligation to help our fellow man in their time of need . But we need to let them ask for the advice . But in my son 's case . . . We will give our advice freely and often cuz that is what our parenting calls us to do . There are 26 days until Resurrection Sunday . So that means there are 18 weekdays of Lifting You Up that I can do on the events that surrounded the Resurrection . Here is the first one . This morning , as I do every morning , I drive to work listening to the Easter cantata . I realized today that I know the first three songs really well . The rest of the songs , well either the driving gets intense and I do not concentrate very well , or my mind wanders . Who knows ? The first song in the cantata is called I Am Free . It is a popular , well played Christian radio song that I first heard when Allie went to 79er 's week of camp . It is an upbeat , happy song that reminds us that we can are free from the sins and free from the world . We do not have to be the sad , serious , stern Christians that are stereo - types . We should be happy that we have a weight lifted from us . We are no longer slaves with shackles around our hands and feet and necks . Have you ever seen a dog that has gotten off it 's leash ? What does it do ? My dog , Josie Belle , takes off running ! She is free and she knows it ! The last thing she wants is to come back to be and be put on that leash . But because she disobeys by running away , getting into things she shouldn 't , she has to be put back on that leash . God expects the same from us that I expect from Josie Belle . He gives us the freedom , but we have a responsibility to follow him and do his will . He gives us the free will to make our own choices . I usually do not give my dog that choice . I know what mischief she gets into , so I have to set boundaries for her . Today , a co - worker brought in her beautiful new child . He is a month old and everyone is just oohing and aahing over this little sleeping prince . He has his whole life lying before him . His parents are there to train him up and he has much potential to be everything they want him to be . Remember when your child was just a month old ? They were still curled up in a ball , not wanting to stretch or just starting to let their legs snake out and their arms ( with tiny hands in fists ) start to make their way up past the ears . They were becoming more secure in their environment . This is the beginning of learning their limits . And as us seasoned parents find out , this never ceases . Every day there is a new limit . Whether it be for them to crawl down the hallway or scoot down the stairs , everyday they are learning new things and teaching us new things . Do we stretch our limits with God ? I believe we stretch His patience . Everyday we mess something up and need forgiveness . We learn something , whether it be desirable or undesirable . We find that we can do more and go beyond the boundaries of yesterday . Each of us just have to figure out if those are the right boundaries . Are they God - approved ? I hope so . Deuteronomy 12 : 28 This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible . People ask me , a lot , how do I just do everything I do . I usually just smile and say , " I don 't do much . " But apparently , a lot of you think I do . Here 's a run down of my day . Just kidding , no one wants to see what I do every minute of the day . Let 's just say that some days are more productive than others . I also have a lot of help . My parents run the kids to practices and home when Mike is working . Mike does a lot of the running . I just make sure everyone knows where they are suppose to be when . I try and be on time for what I am needing to be . I am not always as prepared as I would like to be though . Allie and Timm are starting to take on more cooking efforts and they both do a lot of cleaning ( well , they try ) . I try my best not to complain about any of it too much . I appreciate all they all do . The Bible tells us that if we come to God , he will give us rest . Psalms 23 says " He maketh me lie down in green pastures . He restoreth my soul . " I am not so good at lying down . But I know that every once in a while I need some restoring . I stayed up late every night of the Olympics . Most nights it was after midnight . Last week , I could barely keep my eyes open to 9 : 30 pm . So last week , I didn 't feel like I got a lot done . I was tired and the minute I would sit on the couch , I was nodding off . My body was restoring itself . I also read . I read the Bible , as well as fiction . Reading the Bible makes me wait upon the Lord . He brings me to the place I need to be and then I take it in . I restore my spiritual self on his word and then I fly with the eagles . Maybe not as high , but I can soar and not tire . I always think that that is how it was for the Israelites in the beginning of their journey to the Promise Land . They could run and walk , and never tire . How awesome . When do you feel that the Lord is renewing your strength ? One year ago on February 25 , my mother told me that Daddy had cancer . One year ago yesterday , I laid in bed with my husband and cried . One year ago tomorrow , I stood on stage at church , and broke down into tears . One year ago tomorrow , I thought my world might stop . The past 12 months have been the hardest I have ever faced ; and I was mainly like you , a by - stander . I watched as my Dad bravely told all of you at church that he has cancer and that he will be likely out of commission for quite a while . I did what I could to understand how horrible this was and how no matter what , God was there with us . One year ago , I found out how brave and strong my Mom is . I found out how determined she was to keep Dad going . I found out how supportive my husband really is and how much he loves me and my parents . I found out how young and scared my son was . I found out how amazing my daughter is . I found out how supportive each of you were through all this . I found out what friendship really means . I found out what faith really means . Out of all that , this devotion was born . Today , reliving a lot of those thoughts , I am crying . I can 't help it . God has brought us all together , through this journey . We are on the other side or maybe we are just think we are on the other side , but really just in the middle . We won 't know for a long time . But today , I thank God for each of you and for the support and love you have shown my parents and my family . I have learned that you should not go through something like this alone . So , we have a family going through similar things . Please remember them in your prayers . Send them a little note . ( If you don 't know who it is and want to know , email me . ) Support them like you supported us . I hope this devotion didn 't make you cry like it did me . But I praise God that I can do this devotion for you . I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers , because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints . I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith , so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ . Your love has given me great joy and encouragement , because you , brother , have refreshed the hearts of the saints . Yesterday I took the morning off to take Allie to the Chiropractor . Taking Allie to the doctor is more comic relief to me than anything . As Dr . Matt told her to put on the clothes to do the x - rays and new patient exam , he told her that there was going to be a Fashion Runway Show and the clothes were the top of the line . Allie rolled her eyes and mumbled something about not being very fashionable . Dr . Matt left the room and she started changing . When she was done , she was dressed in blue cloth shorts that were way to big , but had an adjustable velcro waist band , and an extra - large top that hung to her knees . She sat in the chair and looked at me and stated , " I am dressed like a prisoner , and prisoner 's are better dressed than this ! " Oh she cracks me up . When Dr . Matt told us she had a possible gall stone , she said later , that her mind heard the word stone and immediately went to , " I have a kidney stone ? " Bless her heart . She is still in pain from her back , more than her side , and Dr . Matt is working on that for us . He told her no running in gym and don 't exert too much . Okay , have you looked at Allie ? Does it look like she wants to run or exert her self ? In gym , they are learning Badmitton . She came home yesterday and complained that the shuttlecock ( a . k . a . the birdie ) is hard to see . I told her that it is a 2 inch item . She said , " I know . But it 's white . " What does that mean ? Apparently she has no hand - eye coordination for little things . I think she needs more time with Timm 's video games or my parent 's Wii . I told her to just swing , but try not to hit anyone too hard . Last night at Praise Team practice , we had a really good time . Okay , I had a good time . Everyone seemed to be in a good mood , and we sang a good songs . Praise team practice and choir practice almost always lifts my spirits . I like singing and being with those people . It seems to lift me up and because we are singing of God 's love and because we are all there with the same purpose . . . to torture each other with our witty banter . Just kidding . We do have a great time as a choir and we are having so much fun ( well most of us ) learning the Easter cantata . We encourage everyone to join us in singing ( there is still time ) and if you don 't feel you can sing , come out and join us on Sunday evening , April 4th for this cantata . I think you will like the uplifting message and a few little surprises . Last night , we had Timm 's birthday party . It was going to be a quiet affair with just grandparents and aunt and uncle a few couple of friends . 14 people later and we had a good party . There were meatballs , ribs , potato salad , veggies , chips , and ice cream cake . Yummy ! The funniest person there was my great - niece . Her name is Ainsley and she is two . She loves to eat . Timm requested ( from my mom ) that Barbecue Meatballs be made . So Ainsley tried them . She said , " I love meatballs ! " She said that several times . Her grandmother had a couple of meatballs on her plate and Ainsley wanted a bite . Before grandmother put the first piece of meat in her mouth , she was asking for more ! My Dad and Mom got so tickled at her . Ainsley is such a joy . Ainsley 's grandpa was explaining that the girl can eat and eat , but when her mom tells her it 's enough , Ainsley is okay with that . She doesn 't cause a ruckus , she just accepts what her mom says . Okay , there is definitely a sermon there . When your parent told or tells you when to quit , do you listen ? It is always for your own good , isn 't it ? It is for your best interest , isn 't it ? God tells us to do what is right , and tells us to stop doing certain things . Have you as a child of God stopped ? It is so hard to stop . But so once you stop and realize how miserable you were , it makes all the difference , doesn 't it ? 11When I was a child , I used to speak like a child , think like a child , reason like a child ; when I became a man , I did away with childish things . 12For now we see in a mirror dimly , but then face to face ; now I know in part , but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known . 13But now faith , hope , love , abide these three ; but the greatest of these is love . I was reading online today that the Postal Service is going to request that they go to a five - day delivery service instead of six days . I applaud this effort . In the article I read , the powers that be believe this will help reduce costs because in 2020 there will be less snail mail and more email . The Postmaster General stated that " we can 't freeze wages . We can 't freeze fuel costs . " * Well , why not ? Every other company I know has either froze wages or cut them . The government can 't do that ? No wonder there is debt everywhere ? If our government can 't follow suit like the businesses , then who can we look to to help us manage our assets ? Mike has always said that maybe we should start a group to learn how to manage our own finances . Our board tells us that we are a giving church , and we proved that in February . Our last treasurer , Robert Wright , Sr . , was always astounded at how no matter what , there seemed to be enough money to pay the bills . God always has been there with us . God tells us to test him in this . Bring the whole tithe in and I will pour out so much blessing , you will not have enough room for it . Test me . I want to see him do that for all of us . I feel like I don 't have enough room as it is , but to have the Lord keep blessing and blessing . . . how amazing will that be ? I challenge you to test God in this way . Let me know what happens . In a few months , we will see what kind of blessings have come about . Today , is our son 's 13th birthday . He is a handsome , fun - loving young man . He has always brought surprises to my life . Like the time he potty - trained himself . Or the time he and a friend poured oil all over my beautiful , white car . There has not been a dull moment with Timm since the day he was born . The day he was born , was a cold , rainy Saturday . I woke up at 5 : 15 AM very uncomfortable . I went out to the couch and realized that what I might be feeling was contractions ( I never had them with Allie ) . Mike came out shortly afterward and I told him that I think he should get a watch . We tested them and they were like 6 minutes apart . So Mike called the Doctor and he asked the standard questions because he wasn 't my regular doctor , he was the one on call . So Mike told him that we were having contractions and that he was due today . So the doctor said , yes , come on in . Allie and Jaci were with us , so Mike called Mom . It took Mom a minute to realize that this was " The Call " , so we got dressed and she came right over . The girls slept right through it . Mom finally got there and we left . We drove from Monroe up to Kettering . Mike took back roads because he knew " every fire and police station in between our house the hospital . " I was having some major pains and told Mike tearfully , " This better not be a false alarm ! " We got there around 7 : 00 am and they put us in a room and I immediately requested an epidural . So the guy came in and gave me the meds and I felt much better . The doctor came in , popped my water and things progressed quickly . Mom and Dad brought the girls up to see us . They all went down for lunch and at 12 : 30 pm , Timothy Alan came into the world at a whopping 10 pounds , 9 ounces and 21 inches long . He was beautiful and looked just like his Daddy ( he still does ) . The doctor told me he got bragging rights for delivering the biggest baby in the nursery . Mom got in to the elevator once , and there were two women talking about the big baby in the nursery . She told them that she was his grandma . He apparently was the talk of the floor that day . See , surprise ! He has a very special relationship with his grandparents . He is protective of his grandmother , always telling her that he is going to be the one to take care of her when he is older . When she had her hip surgery , he made me take him to the hospital everydaEveryone seems to really love Timm at church . He tries to help out when he can , he loves to give certain people a hard time and talk football with others . He is growing in the Lord and though he gets on my last nerve some times , he 's my son and he and I will always have this special relationship and I thank the Lord everyday for him . This verse in Philemon 1 : 4 - 7 reminds me of Timm . I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers , because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints . I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith , so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ . Your love has given me great joy and encouragement , because you , brother , have refreshed the hearts of the saints . Posted by |
A series of books about a greyhound . Lacey Blue is the smallest dog at the track , but she has the biggest heart . If you love dog stories , romance , adventure , you 'll want to read Lacey 's stories as she fights against , slaughterhouses , cruelty , dog fighting , kill shelters , and puppy mills . There are two kinds of people in this world , those who close gates and those who don 't . I am a gate closer . I grew up around large animals that were in fields and paddocks that were locked for a reason . It was hammered into me at an early age to close a gate when I passed through it . Where I came from , gates weren 't just for decoration and if you didn 't close them , a herd of cows , a bull , the horses , or sheep could wind up in a road or the neighbors garden . In other words , there 'd be hell to pay if you didn 't close the gate . I had to walk into the bar and pass through a door . First , Andy was supposed to go through the door with a dead deer on his shoulder . Then , when I got my cue , I was supposed to go through the same door . So the door had to be closed after he walked through it and it was . I walked through the door and closed it . Then I did my bit . After the shoot , the director thanked me and I thought I had done a good job . On the night of the MTV Music Awards show , I eagerly watched the show because the video was a promo on the show . But when I watched it I got a big shock because I had been cut out of it except for about a second when Andy says to me , " Hey , " or something like that . Looking back on it , I realize why I got cut out . I stopped to shut the door . During the editing the editor probably thought , " Wow , he shut the door . Nobody shuts doors on film . " So shutting the door probably cost me my film career . I left Hollywood shortly thereafter and haven 't been on film since then . No one in Hollywood , other than my friends , noticed . One of the things that bugs me in life is people who don 't shut doors and people who don 't shut gates . Have you ever noticed that people in movies often don 't shut a door ? I watched " North by Northwest , " last night and noticed that after the maid let Cary Grant and his entourage through the door of the house he was supposedly brought to against his will , she didn 't shut the door . What maid in real life wouldn 't shut a door after letting guests into a house ? There she is trooping through the house while behind her , the door is left wide open . It is so phony and yet , in movie after movie , TV show after TV show , nine times out of ten , they don 't shut the stinking door . Why ? I was moving into a house with my daughter in Studio City and we had a gated yard for the dogs . Laurel Canyon Boulevard is a very busy road so we always made sure to keep the gates shut . Furniture was being moved in and cable guys came to install cable . During the confusion , one of the cable guys walked through a gate and left it open . Our miniature Australian Shepherd , Pyro , who had been right beside us a minute ago , went out the gate without our knowledge . I rushed out and found the little guy lying in the center lane with cars zipping by . I threaded my way back into the house with his limp and lifeless body in my hands and put him on the counter . I couldn 't get a heart beat and as far as I could tell with a mirror , no breath . My daughter was in hysterics . I told her to call the emergency number for the Vet and I started working on Pyro . I did some energy work , believe it or not , based on IET and my experience as an energy worker . After a while I got a heartbeat and then , finally he was back with us and lifted his head . Pyro had a badly broken leg and dislocated hip . He was missing one tooth and another was broken and his eye was swollen shut . He had to have a pin installed in the leg along with some wire to keep it all together . There was no time to blast the negligent cable guy over the gate , but his employers certainly heard about it later . If I am ever in a movie or TV show again and pass through a door or gate , unless I have explicit instructions from the director , I 'll still stop to close the door or gate . It may cost me my shot at immortality , but it 's just something I have to do . So if you happen to see movie and there isn 't a scene with a guy who walks through a door and closes it , that was probably a movie I was in and got cut out of , because I broke the rule and closed the door . I don 't know about you but sometimes , for me , it seems that time is just zipping by while I am stuck in one spot . I think I finally actually remembered to get into the pet hop and also got the code . We 'll find out . I have been working so hard on a book about animals and in particular , a greyhound and her friends , that I haven 't had much time to connect with other people who love animals . My closest brush with interacting with animals this week came when I pulled into the yard two nights ago and almost ran over my friend Elvis ( he is a young porcupine that seems to think he 's human ) . Elvis and his friend were in front of the door where I usually park my car . We had a chat and he promised not to do that again . They are so dark and just a round ball , so they don 't show up very well at night . As for the Lacey 's book , I am on the third proof , 30th re - write ( or so it seems ) and it doesn 't look like her story will be out on the 1st of November as I 'd hoped . On the other hand , when it is ready , hopefully in about a week , it should be worth the wait . The next problem , of course , is how to present it to the world ? Greyhound lovers will probably be interested , but there are a lot of other people who would like a good story about animals and people who have adventures and romance , but how to tell them about it . Who knows , perhaps a new book hop ? Hmm , we 'll have to look into that . Then again , I 'd have to remember it , wouldn 't I . For now , I am happy to finally be part of the pet hop and look forward to spending some time hopping around and visiting the different blogs and reading the interesting things you all write . I 'm a big fan of biorhythms and consult my biorhythm generator almost every day to see what I can expect from myself . For those who don 't know what biorhythms are , briefly , they were first studied in the 19th century in Berlin by Dr . Wilhelm Fliess . At the time , Dr . Fliess , a medical doctor , noticed that his patients had times when they seemed more susceptible to illness and after studying his patients for a while , he concluded that each human being has certain biological rhythms . Dr . Fliess charted just two such , " master internal clocks , " as he called them . The first was a 23 day cycle for the physical cycle and the second was a 28 day cycle for the emotional rhythms . These cycles supposedly start at birth . Later , scientists would add two more major cycles for intuition and intelligence . In modern times , insurance companies have used biorhythms to try to predict when workers would be more accident prone . The thing about biorhythms is that you are not always at your best . There are even critical days when your cycle is going from positive to negative . Some studies seem to show that you really are more accident prone or susceptible to colds and flu when your rhythms are critical or not positive . My own anecdotal experience seems to support this as well . Today , for instance , is one of the least favorable days of the year for me , according to my chart . As you can see , however , I don 't hide under the bed just because it is supposed to be a rough day . I think we should still try to do our best and use each day we 're given to make whatever progress we can . The most important lesson that I have learned from following my biorhythms and the biorhythms of family members is that , like everything else on earth and in nature , animals and people have cycles . That means good days and bad days . There are days when a dog is naturally mentally sharper and emotionally calmer and there are days when they are more prone to goofy behavior or mistakes . When training a dog , that 's very important to know . My own experience has been that after I teach a dog something , it will sometimes seem to regress or forget . Knowing that he or she may just be having a bad day helps to explain this and I can allow it without feeling discouraged . Some people try to find the ideal mate by finding someone with compatible biorhythms . According to my biorhythm calculator Amy Locane , the actress , and I are 100 % emotionally compatible and overall we are 95 % compatible . I am not sure , however , that Amy would agree . Imagine if you could find a pet that was 95 % compatible with you ? On the day that you came home and found the shredded slippers you would be having a good day , emotionally speaking . You would forgive your dog and give it some extra loving because you realize it was just having a bad day . The biggest obstacle to charting dog 's biorhythms is that they can 't tell us what they are feeling . When the original study was done in the 19th century , long before computers , the family trees of 10 , 000 individuals were used and the researchers went back three generations . If we could do that with dogs and had a record of when they had accidents , bit the post man , won a race , saved a child from a burning building , etc . , we might be able to figure out what the canine cycles might be . Some people have tried to use biorhythms to figure out which horses were likely to win a race , but I haven 't heard how this actually worked out . I suspect , like a lot of things in life , it is much more complicated and the human mind can 't grasp all that it entails . For instance , while I check my biorhythms almost every day , I also check my numerology report . There are days when they do not agree . For instance , on this day that my biorhythms call one of the least favorable days , my numerology number for the day is 9 and my report says that it is a good day for problem solving . Have you ever checked your dog 's name to see what number he or she is ? If you know your dog 's birthdates and full name as well as the name he or she uses most often , that would be the name you call him or her , I guess , then you could do a numerology chart . Each number has its own influence or resonance and according to the study of numerology , our days and lives are governed by numbers . Carl Jung , the famous Psychiatrist and a student of the I Ching , believed that we enter this earth on a wave ( similar to a cycle ) and that we are tied to certain events that will occur and therefore , it isn 't so much the number itself that determines the events , but simply that the numbers , like the address of your house , denote the location of the event in time . Whatever the case may be , as I said before , the most important lesson to be learned from this is tolerance . We all have good days and bad days and they are caused by a myriad of factors , some of which we don 't have any control over . Having spent a lot of time in the company of dogs , I can tell you this . They always do their best , but like humans and other creatures , they are limited by their own rhythms and have days when they are smarter , calmer , happier . I would love to see the results of a study to try to understand the biorhythms of dogs . Perhaps if we all started writing down the days when our dog 's are smarter , goofier , happier , sadder , physically stronger or weaker , a pattern would begin to emerge . In the long run , I think everyone , especially the dogs , would benefit . If nothing else , it might help prepare you for those good dog and bad dog days . Years ago I had a little farm and a small flock of sheep . I didn 't have a dog at the time and , of course , had to remedy that situation . The dog I chose was a long haired German Shepherd . He was just a puppy when I got him . I named him Wolfgang . His real name was very long and very German and sounded like Schutzhund . Wolfie , was a good little dog who grew into a very big dog and a very good dog . He also looked like a wolf . His training was minimal because he knew what was expected of him and did it . Could you imagine what the world would be like if people were the same way ? However , I am digressing here and will try to stick to the point . The point was that Wolfie was a very good farm dog . One of Wolfie 's specialties was homeland security . He guarded the premises and no one came in without permission , and that included other animals . We had an overflow of rabbits one year and had to place some in cages outside . We usually kept them in the barn , but there were just too many so we put some outside . We were in the house after dark and heard a commotion outside . Coyotes ! I don 't know how many coyotes there were . They were among the cages , howling and yipping and trying to rip the cages open . I opened the door and Wolfie scooted out , a low growl escaping as he passed me . I raced out with a flashlight . My biggest concern was that there was a pack of coyotes , from the sound of it , and only one Wolfie . The coyotes , however , would have disagreed with me . I am sure , to them , it seemed like there were a dozen Wolfies . He seemed to be everywhere and wherever he was you could hear his low growls and the coyote 's yips of pain . I tried to catch him , but he was too fast and drove the coyotes into the woods and up the hill behind the house . It sounded like a war . He finally came home , no worse for wear . I never found any dead coyotes , but I am sure there were many wounded . We lost one rabbit that night . She had died of fright . We never had another problem with coyotes . Wolfgang had left an impression on them , in the form of teeth marks , I 'm sure . Wolfgang was an impressive animal and no animals were more impressed than our sheep . When it came to herding , Wolfie was a natural . I think it was his favorite job . I thought I would have to train him , but he was so smart , I simply told him what to do , and he did it . The sheep had been taking advantage of me for quite some time . They knew I was a slow human and they could outrun me and if they felt like spendingt the night in the field , what could I do about it ? I had a ram and a few ewes who just didn 't want to be locked up at night . Considering the coyote population in our area , being safely locked away in the barn was a must . Until Wolfie came along I often spent considerable time herding sheep alone . Even as a puppy he knew what I wanted and quickly had the sheep in line . I can still remember the looks on their faces the first time Wolfie joined me in the evening when I was putting the sheep away for the night . Wolfgang crouched low and just stared at them . Then he began to inch forward and they nervously crowded together . The old ram made a show of staring him down . He turned and got between Wolfie and the ewes , but as soon as Wolfie moved , the stampede started . " Put the sheep in the barn , Wolfie " I said . He did . They ran for shelter and naturally headed straight for the barn . Every evening , after that , putting the sheep in the barn was no longer a time consuming job . I simply showed up with Wolfie and yelled , " Put the sheep in the barn , Wolfie . " They headed for the barn right away and never challenged his authority . If I wanted the sheep I only had to say , " Bring me the sheep , Wolfie , " and he would herd them to me . Unfortunately , however , dogs do not live long enough and Wolfie aged and finally left us . His legacy lived on , though , because all I had to do was walk out to the field and yell , " Put the sheep in the barn , Wolfie ! " and the flock would head for the barn . As new sheep were added , sheep who had never seen Wolfie , they were trained to head for the barn with the rest of the flock . No doubt they had been warned by the old timers about Wolfgang . It always gave me pleasure to think that Wolfie was still herding sheep , even after he had passed on . Hi , Lacey here . As you know , I have paws and find it very difficult to type so I have partnered with Bill to tell my stories . Unfortunately , I didn 't check his qualifications before agreeing to work with him . I don 't want to sound critical , but this guy is a little backwards when it comes to technology . In fact , it 's a wonder that he has figured out which end of the pencil writes and which one unwrites . He says he wants a computer as simple as his toaster , but what he really needs is a computer as simple as he is , I think it 's called an abacus . I 'll let him explain . Here 's Bill . . . Very funny , Lacey . As you know , I usually write about animals and nature and I promise that the next thing I write will be about the great outdoors or a family pet . This time , however , I am writing about a problem that I share with many others . I 'm talking about all this technology that is supposedly making our lives better . I 'm a writer , a storyteller to be more precise , and I am trying to build a website and promote it to sell my latest ' gem , ' a book about greyhounds and other animals . It 's taking longer to build the site and get it right than it took to write and edit the book . It 's just too much . I saw a post in a blog that I decided I 'd like to share it with my friends . So I clicked on the button that said I could retweet it , but then I was asked if I had an account with that particular service . It turns out that it wasn 't Twitter . It was another app . that works with Twitter . I thought I had pretty much reached the pinnacle of technology when I opened a Twitter account , but apparently , I am still a piker . There are now more ways to share an article or item with your online friends , most of whom you 've never met and wouldn 't recognize if they were sitting in your living room , than you can shake a memory stick at . It 's too much . I just want to write my little stories , one letter and one word at a time . I sit in front of my computer and I am confronted with buttons of every shape and description asking me if I want to do all kinds of things . Remember when PCs first came out ? They were going to simplify our lives . The first computers would fill a big room and were nothing more than number crunchers . They were giant calculators that wouldn 't fit in the biggest nerd 's pocket , even without the protector , but technologists fixed all that , didn 't they ? We now have powerful computers right on our desks or even held in our hands . There are computer chips in just about anything you can think of . At the turn of the latest century I was horrified when people told me there was a computer chip in my toaster and it wouldn 't work after Y2K . Do you remember that ? Supposedly , the world was going to come to a screeching halt because there was a computer chip in my toaster . We used to say that the President had his finger on the button , meaning he could push a single button and launch enough nuclear missiles to obliterate the entire world . Imagine that , one button to destroy the world , but six to read my email ? After Y2K the only thing that would be possible was the complete annihilation of the world because that button would still work , or would it ? Maybe they had also installed a computer chip in the nuclear weapons button so the President couldn 't even destroy the world . We would all wake up one morning and have to settle for no toast and no nuclear war . My toaster is one piece of equipment I have managed to master despite the fact that it has more than one button . I have it perfectly adjusted to produce toast that is at the peak of golden brownness , as long as I always buy exactly the same brand and kind of whole wheat bread , that is . I just slip two slices into the slots , that never change , and push the button down and within a few minutes I have toast . No apps and no upgrades . I don 't worry about toast 2 . 0 . Why can 't more things be like a toaster ? Why is everything getting more complicated ? I thought these things were labor saving devices ? I recently spent three hours installing an app , and trying to figure out why it wouldn 't work right only to discover that I had left the www off one of the urls I had to put in , so the stupid thing didn 't recognize it and wouldn 't work . Does that sound like a smart app . to you ? Is this the kind of thing we can rely on to make life better ? Personally , I think it is part of a giant conspiracy to keep us all busy so we won 't realize what a mess the whole world is in . How did it get this way ? Why haven 't all these technological advances saved us from the anxiety of an economy that is in the tank and a crumbling infrastructure ? I think the same geniuses who make toasters should run the world . They got it right and quit . They aren 't trying to tweak toasters . Can you name anything else that isn 't being upgraded ? I went through a divorce seven years ago . On the divorce forms my wife filled out she wrote that her reason for filing was that she was upgrading to husband 2 . 0 ! It 's just too much . The year was 1969 , the year of flower power , peace , and love . It was also the year that I left home at 16 years old . I didn 't leave alone . I took my faithful companion , Flash , along . Flash was a very large German Shepherd who had been rescued after suffering terrible abuse as a puppy . He was kind , stalwart , and loyal . He was also very good at being a German Shepherd . He knew what was expected of him and followed the rules . I , on the other hand , was a country bumpkin , still wet behind the ears , so to speak . We had some fine adventures , but they almost never happened because we were almost killed in our sleep one night . We all know that sleeping in a room with an open flame or a gas appliance can be dangerous , but I would also like to add another dangerous situation to that list . Flash and I lived in my 1952 GMC pickup truck . Are you starting to understand the country bumpkin reference ? We occasionally crashed at a crash pad , but most of the time we preferred our own company and lived like a couple of vagabonds , sleeping wherever we parked . The original seat of the pickup truck had been removed and two large and comfy bucket seats from a Buick had been installed . Flash usually slept in the passenger seat and I slept behind the wheel . For entertainment , other than my harmonica , we had the AM radio in the dash . We lived off what I could manage to scuffle up , which usually wasn 't much , but we managed . I dropped in to High School once in a while , mostly out of curiosity and to check in on my more conventional peers . Most of our days were spent riding the roads , hunting birds , or working part time at the junk yard to make enough money to feed ourselves . The cooking facilities in a 1952 GMC are non - existent , so I ate out of cans and Flash ate out of dog food bags . It was the fall of the year and nights were chilly . When we first started rooming together in the truck , Flash tried to sleep on top of me , but I would have none of it and forced him to stay on his own side of the cab . As the nights got colder I began to re - think tPosted by By [ http : / / ezinearticles . com / ? expert = Bill _ S . _ Hart ] Bill S . HartI live in rural Maine and find I am interacting more and more with the animals and less with the humans in my life . I haven 't heard any complaints from either group . When I say animals , I mean mostly wild animals , though there are a few dogs and cats who I know on a first name basis and who are on my Christmas list . One friend I made this year is Elvis . That 's what I call him , I don 't think his parents do . Elvis is a young porcupine . I first met him this spring . My former sweetie and I would go out and watch the hayfield across the laneway in the evening . Elvis started coming into the field about an hour before sunset and would feed on the grass and roots . After a while , he got accustomed to us and we enjoyed watching him . It wasn 't like he actually did anything particularly interesting . He basically just ate grass . Since I don 't own a satellite dish and I read and write all day ( so I don 't feel like doing it at night ) it was watch Elvis or twiddle my thumbs , so The Elvis Show it was . I was sitting under the apple tree out behind the house a few days ago and Elvis came waddling through the wild grass and bushes . He walked within arm 's length of my chair , and climbed the apple tree behind me . He was doing quite a bit of grunting and making what I believe were disparaging remarks . I don 't think he liked the idea that I was sitting so close to the tree . I added insult to injury , so to speak , by taking a picture of him with my phone . He was sitting in the tree eating apples . We hadn 't seen each other for weeks and I thought he would like to catch up on current events , but he didn 't . When I tried to strike up a conversation , it was pretty one sided . Me : Hi , Elvis , long time no see . You 've certainly grown since I last saw you . Elvis : GruntMe : I 've heard you calling at night , have you managed to locate a lover ? Elvis : Grunt . Me : I haven 't , either . Another much larger porcupine came waddling along heading for Elvis 's tree . It got within about 6 feet of me and spotted Posted by |
Favorite Quotes " Time passes . Even when it seems impossible . Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise . It passes unevenly , in strange lurches and dragging lulls , but pass it does . Even for me . " - Stephenie MeyerGoodreads Quotes Dark Genesis is the first book in the Darkling Trilogy by A . D . Koboah . I had heard such good things about this book , so I was very excited to finally read it . This was a depressing time period , and that darkness was captured well . I enjoyed Dallas 's character . We don 't get to see much of her , but I think I would have enjoyed the story more if she were telling it . Unfortunately , I couldn 't get past the main character , Luna . She has had a pretty horrible life until now . I couldn 't even begin to imagine it . But , she didn 't seem like a very nice person at heart . Avery saved her life , and she treats him like crap through pretty much the whole book . For me , that ruined it . I 'm still very intrigued by this series though , and would love to read more . I 've had warnings like that before . For example , I knew my grandmother was going to die months beforehand , even down to the exact time and date . And when I first laid eyes on my ex Carl , I 'd had a warning which I ignored , something I bitterly regretted months later when I found out what a lying , cheating dog he was . It stopped me cold in my tracks and I stood on the sidewalk taking in quick startled breaths as snow , light and ethereal , fell all around me . Realising that the doorman was looking at me quizzically , I began walking away , treading carefully through the snow , having to stop and turn around when I realised I was going the wrong way . That was when I heard a loud screech of tyres , what sounded like an explosion and the awful gut - wrenching sound of twisting metal . This one was a lot more intense than the one I 'd had that day in the snow . It was like a vibration in my mind , getting stronger with every step I took toward the girl and had my whole body tingling in response to the perceived danger . She may as well have had a neon sign above her head flashing ' Warning ! ! Danger ! ! ' and I couldn 't understand why because the woman - no , girl - leaning against the lamppost didn 't appear to be much older than sixteen and couldn 't possibly be of any threat to me . It was dark , yes . But there were lampposts casting little oases of light along the street and I was only a couple of doors away from my aunt 's home . The street was deserted , yes . But I was in a nice middle - class area of Atlanta and there were plenty of lights on in the two - and three - storey townhouses on either side of us . And she was tiny , no more than five foot tall and very slight , making me feel like a giant at five foot eight . I couldn 't see her expression as her long braids had been parted down the middle and hung like a curtain over her face , but I 'm sure I wouldn 't have seen anything sinister even if I could . She looked like a normal teenager in her spaghetti strap yellow summer dress and sandals . It seemed she wasn 't going to take no for an answer , which wasn 't a surprise as there seemed to be something about me that gave most people the impression that I was a bit of a pushover . It must have been something about my small delicate face , soft sleepy - looking brown eyes and generous mouth that had them fooled . Perhaps that was why this girl was following me , smiling slyly as if she knew something I didn 't . Well , she was about to find out that Dallas Marshall was no pushover . So I faced her , ready to deliver a cutting remark , but then stopped and simply stared . I was looking at her but I was no longer seeing a young girl . Instead I saw a much older woman of around forty - five . What I was seeing was bizarre and yet I knew that this was the same person . I was seeing her as she really was or as she would have been . This made absolutely no sense but it was exactly what my sixth sense was trying to show me . I blinked and the impression was gone . All I saw now was the same young girl , but instead of that sly smile she now wore the same shocked expression that was no doubt on my face and I had the horrifying sense that she could read my thoughts and had seen what I saw a moment ago . I also knew that she was angry and frightened by the fact that I somehow knew she wasn 't what she appeared to be . Her eyes narrowed to thin slits and that is when I knew with one hundred per cent certainty that the warning had been right . She was dangerous . Very dangerous and she had no intention of letting me live to see another day . Her face contorted with fear and she started to tremble . I followed her gaze and thought I saw something in the dark for a moment , someone standing in the shadows watching us . But it must have been my imagination because there was no one there . And yet she was terrified . She still looked like a cat that had cornered something but now her expression betrayed the fact that the defenceless mouse she had been toying with earlier had turned into something much deadlier . As I sipped my drink , the scent of the gardenias drifted by on a light breeze and I felt loneliness clamp down on me like a tight fist . My grandmother had loved gardenias so we had planted them in her memory when my aunt bought this house two years ago . God , how I missed my grandmother . She had been a refined , stately woman with a beautiful rosewood complexion and had been more of a mother to me than my own distant , superficial mother would ever want to be . With Grandma gone , I felt desperately alone and found no respite from the emptiness that had been with me for as long as I could remember . It also meant that there was no one to act as a buffer between me and my parents and the arguments at home had gotten worse , reaching a new level of viciousness when I dropped out of college at the beginning of the year and spent the following months partying . I hated my parents at times . The rest of the family were no better . They were a haughty , driven bunch who seemed to care only about increasing their millions . Aunt Rose , a humble , caring artist was the only one who was any different . She had chosen to make her own way in the world on her small income as a sculptor . But then again she didn 't want anything to do with the Marshall family millions as she thought the money was cursed . And I suppose she had good reason for thinking that . For as long as I can remember , my relatives have joked about the Marshall family luck or our guardian angel . And from the stories I 've heard over the years , it would seem that we have been very lucky . Even during slavery our family had been fortunate enough to escape some of the hardships that blacks suffered during that particular point in history , and in some cases , we 'd even managed to prosper . There were also stories of ancestors who had ended up in some dire life - threatening situations only to somehow come away unscathed . The one told most often was the story of Jonas , a free black living in the eighteen hundreds whose life almost came to a premature end when he fell down a well . He spent most of the night in that well treading water and was sure he would die there . He eventually lost consciousness and awoke to find himself lying at his front door with no knowledge of how he had escaped the well . Another such story was about Lina , Jonas 's mother . Her parents and siblings had been runaways living in the north who were captured by their Master and were about to be taken back to the south when a mysterious benefactor had bought their freedom . Despite their attempts , the family had never been able to find out who this man or woman was or how they had been able to persuade their Master , who had said many a time that he would rather die than let any of his slaves taste freedom , to sell them . There were many stories like that right up to the present day and I thought they were all just that , stories . Tall tales that my relatives had invented to keep from thinking about the proverbial pink elephant in the room . And that pink elephant was why so many family members had met gruesome deaths under mysterious and often bizarre circumstances . Sometimes it was suicide but most of the time it was murder , the details of which were horrific enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end . And the really odd thing was that in each and every circumstance , the assailants were never found . The police could expend large amounts of resources trying to find the murderers but they never ever found so much as a stray hair to help them in their investigations . Even so , I didn 't share my aunt 's view about the money being cursed . Every family had their demons , ours just happened to be a little bit stranger than others . To me , the family millions were a blessing and when I received my inheritance on my twenty - first birthday in a few months ' time , I would enjoy spending every last penny . And if the money did turn out to be cursed then I would make sure that when I met my end , it would be at a bar with one hand on a fine - looking man and a tequila in the other . Yep , there was nothing like endless nights of drinking and dancing to keep the yawning emptiness that was forever snapping at my heels in check . Interestingly , the basement was the only room in the house that was kept in order and I made straight for a large wooden trunk , grandma 's trunk , and opened it . It contained books , photo albums and the quilt I had come in search of . As I scooped up the quilt , my fingers brushed against something at the bottom of the trunk , and as sometimes happened whenever I touched an object , I received a vibe or a psychic impression . I jerked my hand back in alarm , as whenever something like that had happened in the past , the impression I received was usually vague and indistinctive like a hazy dream . Besides , alcohol had the effect of dulling these psychic vibes down to nothing , and yet what I got this time was so strong it took my breath away . Letting my curiosity get the better of me , I carefully reached under the quilt and picked up a battered leather - bound notebook . And there it was again . It wasn 't so much an image but a strong emotional vibe of a woman in love . A fierce - if I can 't have him I 'll die - kind of love . I would have liked to believe it was , but I had been around them long enough to know that it wasn 't . Theirs had been a slowly unfolding kind of love , like a warm languid sunlit afternoon filled with joy and laughter . This was something else altogether and I couldn 't imagine how someone could function with that degree of emotional attachment to another human being . How did it not drive her insane ? I was one hundred per cent sure that this journal wasn 't written by Grandma . But I felt a familiarity , or a connection with the unknown woman who had written it so there was no way I was going to put it back inside the trunk and just walk away . So , completely forgetting about the quilt , I closed the trunk and left the basement with the journal held to my chest . I was walking quickly along a dusty country road , my shoes stirring up a small cloud of dust that turned the hem of my faded violet dress a muddy brown . The trail of dust I left in my wake soon settled . But the pressing need that had me make this two - hour journey in beaten shoes and a broken spirit , in the midst of a particularly merciless Mississippi summer , would not be settled as easily . Wiping the sweat from my brow and waving away the flying insects that droned lazily near my face , I wished for some respite from the relentless heat but found none . Although the sun hung low in the topaz blue sky , it felt as if I were walking through warm soup and it was likely to stay like this long after the sun went down . I would have found some relief from the pitiless sun if I had chosen to walk through the woods that rose up on either side of the road like a green and brown wall . But green woody spaces such as those have been a deep source of fear for me since I was a child and I imagined that they would continue to be so long past what I guessed was my twenty - second or twenty - third year on this earth . So I clutched my lantern and small cloth bundle and walked on in the heat , listening to the birdcalls punctuate the otherwise still air . I was lucky to be able to make this journey during the summer months as the previous two trips had been made in the dead of winter when night gathered up the day long before I could finish serving the family 's supper and slip away , leaving the other house slaves to do my share of work and conceal my absence . That small mercy meant that I didn 't have to walk alone in the dark , afraid to light my lamp in case the solitary glow brought unwanted attention my way , or have to dive into the trees every time the sound of a horse 's hooves disturbed the sweet melody of the crickets . It also meant that when I turned the corner and saw the woodland give way to cotton fields , marking the beginning of the Marshall plantation , there was still roughly two hours of daylight left , which meant I would be able to finish my business and be back before dark , hopefully before I was missed by my hawk - eyed mistress . I stopped for a second to gaze at the rows of cotton up ahead . I have always thought that there was something heavenly about cotton fields , which looked like row upon row of fleecy white clouds caught up in brown nets . But I 'm sure that the brown - skinned figures bent double between those rows would have disagreed . For them , there was nothing even remotely celestial about the cotton fields in which they had been toiling since sunrise . And they were likely to still be working in them when the sun set . Even from this distance I could see that most of them were wretchedly thin , their few flimsy items of clothing in tatters . And although I wasn 't close enough to see their faces , I was sure that they all wore uniform expressions of misery and fatigue . I left that unhappy sight and ducked into the trees on my left , a necessary shortcut to the slave quarters . Although many slaves have used this shortcut on their way to see the African woman , I 'm sure I 'm the only one who ran all the way through the trees looking back over my shoulder even though I knew I wasn 't being followed . Only when I saw a flash of white through the trees did I slow down so my breathing could return to normal by the time I exited the screen of trees . The slave quarters were little white cabins made of wood , which lay in two long rows some distance from the Master 's mansion . Only a few children were around at this hour , some of whom recognised me and stopped what they were doing to stare with a quiet reverence that made me uncomfortable . It was the same reverence I had received from the grownups the last two times I had come here under the cover of darkness and they had not only stopped what they were doing to watch me pass by , but nodded or offered some sort of greeting , which I returned before hurrying on by . I didn 't have to endure that kind of scrutiny today , but I still hurried down to the lone cabin at the back of the clearing , which was nestled under the shadow of the trees some distance away from the rest of the slave quarters . Many slaves came to visit Mama Akosua for her medicines , and her skills were known far and wide . It was also rumoured that she dealt in more than just herbs and was actually a witch . Whether that was true or not , she was feared by many , even some of the whites , and few dared incur her wrath . As I got nearer to the cabin , I saw that the door had been left open and a light was burning inside even though the sun had yet to go down . I approached gingerly . Already feeling the unease that always possessed me in the presence of the African woman , I walked up to the door , and stopped . The cabin , which consisted of only one room , was rich with the slightly bitter , but not unpleasant , smell of dried herbs . Most of the room was taken up by a long wooden table , which held bottles , bowls and an assortment of other instruments that were used to prepare her concoctions . Every wall in the room was lined with shelves holding bottles , jars and baskets of fresh and dried herbs . The only evidence that someone lived in the cabin was the pallet in the corner . This was the most furniture I had seen in any slave cabin , but as her Master profited from the sale of her herbs , it was in his interest to make sure she had everything she needed . There was another smaller table in the centre of the room and that is where she sat , peering at me by the light of an oil lamp . She was a small lithe woman with delicate features like mine . Her head was cleanly shaven and she would have been considered beautiful were it not for the scars , rows of lines about an inch long , marking her forehead and cheeks . It was rumoured that those scars had been self - inflicted when she was first brought to America as a slave . Some people whispered that she had done it to honour the customs of her people , others , that the journey , the horrors of the middle passage , had driven her to scar her face in madness and despair . Although I would never dare to ask her , I didn 't believe she had been driven insane . The shrewd dark eyes that met mine belonged to a strong , sharp mind and I doubted that anything could , or ever would , be able to break it . Feeling slightly better , I was able to meet the force of her gaze fully . She seemed to have aged a great deal since I last saw her , nearly four years ago . The lines around her eyes and the ones running from her nose to the corners of her mouth had deepened and although she was not yet forty years old , she looked much older . She reached into a basket on one of the shelves and pulled out a small black cloth bundle . Moving back to the table she placed the bundle before her and when she sat down again she closed her eyes for a few seconds . She was clearly in a lot of pain . " Take this tonight . " She pointed to the larger of the bundles . " The rest is to be taken for five nights after , to stop the bleeding . " I looked up and met her intimidating gaze , but on this occasion , I couldn 't hold it . She knew how much these things shamed me yet it didn 't stop her from asking about them . When I answered , my voice was barely a whisper . I fought back tears as an image came to me from a few weeks before . I was standing in my tiny cabin and Master John was behind me gazing at our reflections in a small handheld mirror . I don 't know if making me look at myself was one of the many ways he had of tormenting me or if he really was oblivious to the fact that I despised my face . Either way , he would make me stare at my piercing dark brown eyes framed by long sooty eyelashes , deep mahogany skin , small delicate features and large sensuous lips . My springy , unruly hair was pulled away from my face , something he insisted on , as my hair was the one thing a man like him could find no beauty in . It was always the same ordeal with the mirror whenever he came to my cabin . And I honestly don 't know which face I hated more , that of the blond - haired , blue - eyed man I had come to despise even more than his old , decrepit father , or my own . The face he was enamoured with . He eventually pulled the mirror out of my hand , and placing it on the bed , held his arms out . Fast , so fast that I didn 't have time to protect myself , he raised his hand and slapped me , sending me crashing to the floor . Pain bloomed along my temple and the left side of my face . I had also bitten my lip when I hit my head . His foot came down on my neck and I felt the dirt on the sole of his boot rubbing into my skin as he pressed down , cutting off my air supply . I struggled in vain to breathe and was close to losing consciousness when he slowly removed his foot and hauled me back onto my feet as if he were picking up a sack of potatoes . Then he held out his arms again , that smile , which never seemed to leave his face , swimming before my eyes as I struggled to clear my vision . I was bristling with anger and yet fear won out because he could do anything he wanted to me and there was nothing I would be able to do to stop him . No one I could go to for protection . I had been born and bred purely for men like him , not only to do with as they pleased , but to increase their riches by breeding more slaves for them to own . I had led a relatively painless existence , for a slave , up until around the age of eight or nine when Master Henry had sent me on an errand to one of the neighbouring farms , an errand which would take me through the woods . I had run eagerly out of the house , hardly believing the good fortune that meant I could spend most of the morning walking through the woods instead of working . And it was the perfect day for a long walk , a beautiful spring day . The air was crisp and cool and the sun filtering through the fresh green leaves created patches of golden haze for me to walk through . I skipped along carefree and untouched at that time by the burdens of a female slave , deviating from my path only once to chase a squirrel , losing it moments later when it darted up a tree and out of sight . " Massa Henry ! " I cried , dropping the parcel he had given me to deliver . I stooped to pick it up and when I straightened , he had already dismounted and was walking quickly toward me . But I tried to allay my fears by telling myself that he had never actually given me reason to fear him . The only unnerving thing about him was that he had a habit of turning up wherever I was working and would watch me intently for far too long as if he were looking to find fault with my work . He had never actually reprimanded me for anything , but something about his manner , his long wrinkled neck , bony elbows and knees , reminded me of a vulture waiting patiently . Mary , the cook , seemed uneasy about his apparent interest in my work . Perhaps she was worried that if he found fault with anything I did it would be blamed on her . So whenever Master Henry was at home she was always beside me , helping me with my chores even though I was more than capable of doing them on my own , a light sheen of anger marking her every action , the quick furtive glances she cast in Master Henry 's direction always fearful . Sometimes she would find an excuse to call me away if Master Henry made his way into whatever room I was in . I noticed that the other house slaves did the same . I was too young at that time to know why his greedy eyes had become my shadow or why he showed such an overt interest in everything I did . I was also too young to understand the acid rage I saw in his young wife Mistress Emily 's eyes whenever she saw him watching me , or why she had tried on more than one occasion to send me to work in the fields . And the other slaves obviously thought it was kinder not to explain it to me . When he got to me I saw a feverish light in his eyes as they moved over my tiny body . It was as if he couldn 't see or hear anything but me . Then his hand shot out abruptly and he pushed me to the ground . When he began to wrestle with his belt I tried to crawl away , knowing now that something awful was about to happen . But he was already on top of me , ripping my dress off whilst he moaned and reached for my chest to paw at what had not yet begun to form there . The pain had been horrific and my screams seemed to heighten his pleasure as he rode me as if I were the stallion he had obviously ridden furiously in order to catch me here alone in the woods . I lost consciousness at some point , and when I came to it was to the sight of him pulling up his trousers . He had mounted his horse and then turned to look at me with what I now know to be lust and it was clear that he was considering getting off his horse to repeat what he had done . Thankfully he gently urged his horse on through the trees to make his way back to the road . Once he was gone I rolled onto my side and sobbed . I didn 't fully understand what had happened , but I knew it was something to be ashamed of and that I couldn 't go back to the house and face Mary . There was a faintly metallic smell mingling with that of the cold dry earth and I realised that it was the smell of my own blood , which was seeping through my legs . I tried to cover myself but my dress was torn in two so I wrapped my arms around what was left of the garment and lay there crying . I sat up with a start to see one of the slaves , Jupiter , standing about three metres away from me . He was a tall , handsome African of around eighteen years old and had coal black skin and big beautiful brown eyes . I used to find excuses to go to the fields along with some of the other slave girls so that we could catch a glimpse of him toiling under the relentless heat of the Mississippi sun and we would run away giggling whenever he saw us watching him . Those days seemed like a lifetime away from where we were now , watching each other under the emerald leaves . And I noticed that the haunting quality that had been in his eyes since he had arrived at the plantation a few months ago had been replaced with a mixture of rage and despair . He abruptly lowered his eyes and removed his shirt as he strode toward me . Fear shot through me . I screamed in terror and made a feeble attempt to try and scurry away , thinking that he meant to do what Master Henry had done . My reaction made him jump and he looked at me in bewilderment before taking in his own naked chest . Making the connection between his actions and my apparent fear , he shook his head in alarm and then threw the shirt on the ground before taking a few steps back . I tried to rise , and when the pain between my legs reared up , I froze and remained on my knees crying until Jupiter slowly moved toward me . I eyed him warily through my tears as he picked up his shirt . When it became apparent to him that I was in too much pain to try and move away , he gently laid the shirt over my shoulders and pulled me to my feet , grimacing at my cry of pain . I let him button the large shirt around me , and when it was done , he took a few steps forward and gestured for me to follow . " Please . Please . We hurry , " he panted in a gruff , heavily accented voice as he tried to dodge my tiny hands . " Your pain . Please . " I stopped my feeble attempts , surprised to hear that the other slaves had been right . He could speak . He carried me back to the plantation , his coal black skin glistening with my blood by the time we got there to the quiet anger and dismay of the other slaves . What I will never forget about that day was Mistress Emily walking into Mary 's quarters where I lay sobbing whilst a distraught Mary tried to clean me and tend to the damage that had been done . A small , pale redhead , she stood over me , her eyes gleaming with unshed tears and her anger so pure and intense that I was sure she would find a way to make Master Henry pay for what he had done . But I saw my error with the next words she spoke . Left alone with Mistress Emily , I lay as still as I could , trying to ignore the pain down below as I choked back my tears . The look she gave me in those few seconds before she left the cabin was one of such hatred that I was chilled to the bone . I will never forget it . Jupiter never spoke to me or even looked me in the eye again after that day . Whenever I saw him he would drop his gaze and nod politely but he never stayed in my presence for long . Of all the things I had to endure during the years that followed , having Jupiter never look me in the eye was no doubt the worst . I never forgot his kindness that day , but I knew that seeing me soiled had changed his view of me in a fundamental way , and even though it was painful for me to accept , I understood it and so kept my distance from him . He was sold a few years later and although I missed his presence on the plantation , it was a relief not to have him avert his gaze or find a reason to get away from me whenever our paths crossed . He found every opportunity to accost me again and again . Three years passed and his weekly visits only stopped when my breasts and stomach began to grow . I hadn 't known why I was sometimes sick in the morning and why my appetite had increased , until Mary , who was the closest thing that I had to a mother , explained that I would soon have a child of my own . The child came on a devilishly cold winter night under the fury of a raging storm , the worst that anyone could remember ever being unleashed on Mississippi . I screamed out in pain as a contraction rippled through my stomach with almost as much force as the wind and rain lashing against my tiny cabin . It was a Sunday so my mind was still crowded with the sermon I had heard at church during the day , the story of Noah and the Great Flood taking on greater meaning in my panic - stricken mind . It felt like the end of days for me , and as hour after hour passed , the pain and the storm began to take on biblical proportions until I was sure that morning would never come . Mary was equally anxious . She had come to my cabin thinking that this was another false labour , the third one that week . But it soon became clear , not only that this was the real thing , but that there was something seriously wrong . She was about to leave to go and get help when Mama Akosua , knowing somehow that she was needed , entered the cabin . Mama Akosua had been sold when I was about three , so I only recognised her because of the scars on her face . I had been screaming at the time as another contraction ripped through me and yet in the midst of the pain , the panic and sense of doom left me the moment I laid eyes on her . When she came closer , I stifled another cry when I saw the look of black thunder on her face . " I will kill him , " she had spat and I guessed that she was talking about Master Henry . " I will cut out his heart with my bare hands . I will kill him . " Her face hadn 't lost that rage even as she set to work , ordering Mary to boil water or get more rags . It was an extremely difficult birth , complicated by the fact that my womb had only dilated a few centimetres . If Mama Akosua hadn 't been there with her herbal medicines to help me fully dilate , both I and the child she delivered a few hours later would be dead . I secretly hoped that she would kill that thing and for a moment I thought Mama Akosua had heard my thoughts because she was glaring at me . As frightened as I was by her expression , I kept my eyes on her and pleaded silently with her to take the baby away . The cold fury left her after a few moments and I knew then that she would do as I asked . I never saw the child again and I don 't know what became of it . It was often on the tip of my tongue to ask Mama Akosua and I 'm sure she expected to hear the question every time I saw her . But I couldn 't bring myself to ask because I still hated that thing and I didn 't want to know whether it lived or had died . I was whipped when they discovered the baby was gone , the first time Master Henry ever took a whip to me . I accepted each stroke of the lash with dead eyes and barely a murmur , feeling far removed from the shocking pain and the warm rivers of blood running from the open wounds on my back and down my legs to lie in a glistening red pool on the ground . The weeks that followed were a pain - tinged blur in which I repeatedly begged death to wrap its tender arms around me . During those weeks I walked a tightrope between life and death , but two faces kept drawing me back toward the barb - tipped snare of life : Mary 's during the day , and Mama Akosua 's at night . She was there every night forcing me to drink some foul - tasting mixture or rubbing something into the open wounds on my back . I would often wake from a restless sleep to hear her singing to me softly in her native tongue . I didn 't understand the words but there was so much sorrow in her voice that it was hard for me turn my back on life and slip into the arms of death . The anger I had seen the night I gave birth was slowly smoothed down by exhaustion but it was still there as , night after night , she made the long walk from the Marshall plantation to nurse me back to health . I also recall the frequent but fleeting spectre of Master Henry 's tall , stooping figure as he stood in the doorway of my cabin blotting out the sunlight . If it had been any other slave , they would have paid with their lives . But Master Henry wanted me too much to ever consider killing me and he fretted that he had perhaps been too hasty in taking the whip to me so soon after I had given birth . But I recovered and nothing was the same after that . Nobody believed my story , especially since I kept referring to the child as " it " and didn 't bother to hide my hatred and revulsion every time she was mentioned . From that moment on , the other slaves began to keep their distance from me , probably believing that I had killed the child with my bare hands . I can 't say that I cared either way what they believed as I knew that if I hadn 't been given another option , that is exactly what I would have done rather than let Master Henry have her . Only Mary knew the truth and she couldn 't tell anyone because if Master Henry ever found out that she was involved in any way , he wouldn 't have hesitated to kill her . So she kept quiet , even though I saw how painful it was for her to hear what was said about me and not be able to defend me with the truth . She also refused to let me push her away . No matter what I said or did , she kept finding ways past the wall I erected until I eventually stopped trying to shut her out . And I believe that even if she hadn 't known what had really happened that night , she would never have forsaken me , because Mary was loyal and the closest thing that I had to a mother . The visits from Master Henry continued for years until he suffered a stroke . Then they became less frequent until another stroke put an end to them altogether . I was left alone for a year until Master John , Master Henry 's son from a previous marriage , came to take over the daily running of the plantation . That 's when the nightmare began all over again . I am of Ghanaian descent and spent the first few years of my life in Ghana before moving to London which is where I have lived ever since . I completed an English Literature degree in 2000 and although I have always written in my spare time , I didn 't start writing full - time until a few years ago . My first novel Dark Genesis was inspired by my thoughts on dehumanisation . I was fascinated by the ways in which people are able to dehumanise others , the impact it has on the psyche and whether it is possible for people to find their way back from being dehumanised . This led me to Luna and the ruins of a haunted chapel deep in the heart of Mississippi . My Random Reviews on Goodreads The Hunt by Megan Shepherd Boundless Magick by Lowvee Cole Slumber by Christy Sloat Share book reviews and ratings with Gabby ( What 's Beyond Forks ? ) , and even join a book club on Goodreads . What 's Beyond Forks ? © 2011 . Powered by Blogger . |
Elephants had no trunks then , and this Baby Elephant had a little black nose . He was a very funny Baby Elephant and wanted to know everything , and he asked so many questions that all his family and friends were angry with him . All the animals had no time to talk to him . The Monkey was eating a banana . He got very angry and cried , " Go away ! I have no time to talk to you . " And he hit him too . Baby Elephant was very , very unhappy , and he didn 't know what to do . Suddenly he saw his friend the Kolokolo Bird . She was sitting on a tree . Baby Elephant said , " Dear Bird , what does the Crocodile have for dinner ? " So Baby Elephant came up to the Crocodile . Then the Crocodile opened his big mouth with many teeth in it and caught Baby Elephant by his little nose and said , " I think I 'll have a Baby Elephant for dinner today . " And he began to pull Baby Elephant into the water . Baby Elephant did not like this , and he cried , " Let me go ! Don 't eat me ! " So Baby Elephant began to pull too , but the Crocodile was stronger . He pulled and pulled , and pulled , and Baby Elephant 's little nose began to get longer … and longer … The Big Snake said , " My little friend , let us pull together or the Crocodile will have you for dinner . " Suddenly a fly sat down on his head , and Baby Elephant killed the fly with trunk . " You see how nice your trunk is , " said the Snake . " You could not do that with a little nose . " As far as everyone knows , English people have got a lot of nice traditions and holidays . One of them is called Pancake Day . It is usually in March . On this day Englishmen eat a plenty of tasty pancakes ! They have pancakes not only at home , but at school as well . But they not only eat pancakes , they run with them . This holyday takes place in most of English places every year . These races are run by housewives . There are special rules about pancake races : housewives must wear aprons , hats or scarves on their heads . They must run about 415 yards ( 410 metres ) . A bell rings twice before the race . With the first bell the women must make their pancakes . With the second bell they start running with a pancake in a frying - pan . While running the race , they must toss the pancakes three times and catch it back on a frying - pan . If the pancake falls down , the runner must pick it up and toss it again . Levi Strauss came to America from Germany . In 1850 he arrived in San Francisco . It is a large city in the United States of America . It is situated in California . There were many people in California in those days because they wanted to find gold and become rich . They worked a lot looking for gold and spent much time in the water of the rivers . They needed strong trousers . That time was called " gold fever " . Levi Strauss had a lot of strong material . He hoped people could build tents with it . So he decided to make special trousers of this material . They were strong and people like them . In one day , Strauss sold all the trousers he had . But they had no colour and became dirty very easily . So , Strauss decided to colour them blue . Now people all over the world wear blue jeans . They think they are good for work and travel , they are practical . Now California has the largest population in the USA . About 20 million people live there . It is because of that " gold fever " of the 1850s . Those people , who didn 't find gold , stayed in California as well and became farmers . TASKS : The Lacons lived in the part of Southern Greece which was called Laconia . The people who lived there were very brave . They loved their Motherland and defended it from all the enemies . Their life was very simple . They tried to follow the laws of their country and never spoke long . " The shorter the better " was their rule . " Never use more words than you need , " was another rule . And nowadays as you probably know a very short answer is often called a laconic answer , because the Lacons usually gave short answers . In Northern Greece there was a land called Macedonia . King Philip ruled there . He was not very clever and he was not very brave , but he wanted to become king of all Greece . So , he collected a great army and soon he became master of all Greece . Only Laconia was not conquered . Then king Philip wrote a letter and sent it to the brave Lacons . The letter said : " If I win the battle with your army , I will become your king and ruin your great city . " A few days later an answer was brought back to him . King Philip found only one word in it . The word was very short , and that was " If " . One day , a bird flew into a farmer 's yard . There was always something to eat for him there . He jumped around in the dust from one place to another picking up this and that from the ground and singing a loud song . The old bird , Tim by name , had a very good appetite and always ate a lot . Old Tim was so busy that he did not look up or around and did not see a large cat watching him from behind the farmer 's house . " What a fine breakfast I am going to have ! " said the cat . " Oh , no , Mr . Cat , you can 't ! " cried out Old Tim . " You are not going to eat me up , are you ? " " But why not ? Don 't get it into your head that I 'm going to let you fly away ! Oh , no , you are wrong here , " answered the cat . " Of course , you can 't ! " repeated Old Tim . " Ask anybody and they are going to tell you that I am right . People never eat without washing themselves first , " said the poor bird . When the cat finished his washing and wanted to begin his breakfast there was no Tim there - he was high in a tree . Old Tim was happy to fool the cat . The cat was very angry with Tim . " Well , let people do as they like , but I 'm never going to wash myself before eating ! " he said . " I like your coat very much . It 's beautiful , red and thick . " The Fox was glad , and he said , " Come and have dinner with me now , Mrs . Crane . " The dinner was very good - for the Fox . He liked soup , and there was good soup for dinner . But the soup was in two big plates . The Crane had very little soup because her bill was very long and thin . " Did you like my dinner ? Did the soup taste good ? " asked the Fox and laughed . The Crane wanted to teach the Fox a lesson , and she said , " Dear Mr . Fox , come and have supper with me today . " When the Fox came to the Crane 's house , he was hungry . The Crane brought two tall jars with little fish . The Crane had fish for supper . The Fox liked fish , but they were in the tall jars . Honesty is the Best Policy There was an old woodcutter . He went to the wood to cut trees every day . He was a very poor man . He lived in a village near the wood . His house was the oldest and the smallest in the village . One day the old woodcutter dropped his axe in the river . He sat down on the ground near the water and cried , " My axe ! What shall I do ? How shall I work for living ? " There was a noise and the god , Mercury by name , dived out of the water . He listened to the man 's problem and wanted to help him . Mercury dived into the water and in a few minutes he had an axe . " Yes , that 's mine ! Thank you very much ! " the woodcutter was very happy . Mercury was so surprised with the man 's honest heart , that he presented him the golden and the silver axes . The woodcutter ran away home to tell his friends about it . " Mercury , who lives in the river . I dropped my axe in the water and started crying . At that moment Mercury dived out of the water and then gave me these beautiful axes . " " Oh , I see , " said Bill . Bill wanted to have such axes too . So he went to the river , dropped his wooden axe into the water and waited . Mercury jumped out of the water and Bill cried : " Please , help me ! My axe is in the water . " " No , it isn 't yours , " said Mercury . " You are not honest with me . You are bad and lazy . I don 't want to help you . " Mercury jumped into the water and didn 't come out again . And Bill had nothing to do but to go home without any axe . TASKS : There was a boy whose name was Jim . He lived with his mother in a little house . They were very poor . His mother worked much , but Jim didn 't like to work . Jim was lazy . He sat under a tree in hot weather and stayed in bed when it was cold . On Tuesday Jim went to Mr . Green . He worked all the day , and in the evening Mr . Green gave him a penny . But on his way home Jim dropped the penny and could not find it . " Oh , Jim ! Why didn 't you put the penny in your pocket ? " He went to help Mr . Green on Wednesday , too . In the evening Mr . Green gave him a jar of milk . Jim put it in his large pocket . But when he came home , there was no milk in the jar . On Friday Mr . Green gave him a large cat . Jim took the cat and wanted to carry it in his hands . But on his way home the cat ran away from Jim . " I 'll do it tomorrow , Mother , " said Jim . On Saturday Jim worked much , and Mr . Green gave him a large piece of meat . Jim took a string out of his pocket and pulled the meat after him . A hungry dog ate the meat . There was a beautiful girl in the village . She didn 't laugh and couldn 't speak . Her father asked all the doctors to help the girl , but they could not . The doctors said , " The girl must laugh . Then she will speak . " When Jim was in front of their house , the girl looked out of the window and saw the boy with the donkey on his back . It was funny . And the girl laughed . She looked at Jim and continued laughing for some time . And a bit later she could speak . Her father was very happy . He ran after Jim , stopped him and said : " My dear boy , I am a happy man now because my girl can speak . Thank you . " Erik the Red was born in Norway in 950 , but he moved to Iceland when he was a boy . People called him " the Red " because of his red hair . Life in Iceland was hard and it was a very cold place . Erik had many enemies , and he killed two men . After that , he decided to leave Iceland to escape from his enemies . In 982 , Erik sailed West and discovered a new country . It was cold , icy and snowy , but Erik wanted people to come to this new country , so he called it Greenland . Later , he returned to Greenland with more people in 986 . The boats were very small , but they had cows , pigs , sheep and hens with them . Later , Leif continued his travels to South . He discovered another green and beautiful place . It was warm and sunny and there were different fruit , including grapes . This was a part of the modern United States . Leif and his men were probably the first Europeans who visited North America . Leif , Erik 's son , was born in 975 and lived with his father in Greenland . Like his father , he wanted to travel . In summer of 1002 , Leif sailed West to look for another country . This was Canada . Many years ago there lived two friends , a potter and a painter . They had little money for their job . Everything was OK between them till the painter , a very good worker , got a lot of money for a beautiful portrait he painted . The potter , a bad and lazy worker , didn 't like that . At first he asked the painter to give him some money . But the painter wanted the money for his big family . In the end the potter thought of a very bad thing . " Well , " he said to himself , " I must teach my friends , the painter , a good lesson . " That night the potter slept very badly or didn 't sleep at all . He thought what a good lesson he could teach the painter . Early in the morning he went to the king . He said , " My king , I know that you want a white elephant . I am going to tell you how you can get one . " The king was happy to hear the potter 's words . And the potter went on telling his story . " My friend , the painter , knows how to turn any colour into white . Tell him to come here and make your grey elephant white . " The king called his men and they ran to him . He told them to go and bring the painter . When the painter came to the palace , the king said to him , " I heard that you know how to change the colour of anything into white . I want you to make my grey elephant white . And remember , if you want to live you must do it , and do it well . " " All right , my king , " the painter turned to the king . " I can change your elephant 's colour . But when I change the colour of anything I put it into water for a long time . And I have no pot for your elephant . It must be a very large pot . " " What have I done ? " the potter thought . " That 's the end of me ! " So he went to his workshop and began to make a large pot for the elephant . But who can make a pot like that ? Of course , not our potter ! The pot fell to pieces the first time when the people carried it . It fell to pieces the second time when the workers put it , red hot , into cold water . And it fell to pieces the third time when the elephant put its foot on it . The painter watched it and laughed to himself . For months and months the potter worked in his workshop . During all those months he woke up early in the morning and worked till late at night . At night he didn 't sleep well but thought about the pot and often cried . " What a mistake I made ! " he repeated to himself . But one fine day the elephant ran away to the woods . What a happy day for the potter ! The painter taught the potter a good lesson , didn 't he ? And the potter never did bad things like that again to the end of his days . In 1250 there lived a rich man in a town called Rivergate . He had two sons and a daughter . Philippa , the daughter , was the oldest . The name of the first son was Francis , and the youngest son was called Jack . He liked to go for walks and watch the animals in the woods and listen to the birds . Some time later , Philippa and Francis went hunting again . They rode into the woods on their beautiful horses . Jack wanted to go with them , but he didn 't have a horse . So he took one of his father 's donkeys . When Philippa and Francis came to a big river , they saw a beautiful bird . It was a kingfisher * . They wanted to shoot it . At that moment , Jack came on his donkey . He shouted , and the bird flew away . After many days , the three young people met an old woman . They asked her about the tree of life . The old woman said , " The tree of life is in the king 's garden . He lives in the golden castle on the mountain . " After three hours , Jack arrived at the castle . He met the king and his beautiful daughter . Can I please have an apple from the tree of life for my father ? A few weeks ago , the princess lost her ring in the pond . Now she is very sad . She liked the ring so much . Find it for her . This is the first thing you must do . Jack went to the pond . It was very big and deep . Where was the ring ? He didn 't know what to do . Suddenly he heard a bird . It was the kingfisher ! The kingfisher dived into the water and found the ring . Jack ran into the hall and gave the ring to the princess . Well done ! Now the second thing . The princess broke her necklace in the garden yesterday . All three hundred pearls fell into the grass . She was very sad . Find them all for her . Jack didn 't know what to do . It was very difficult to find the pearls in the grass . Then suddenly there were lots of ants ! They carried every single pearl to Jack . He ran into the hall and gave all three hundred pearls to the princess . Now the third and last thing . What is my daughter 's name ? Kaldi was tired , but he couldn 't sleep . His goats were active and very noisy . " Why can 't they sleep ? " Kaldi thought . He couldn 't understand the problem so he watched the animals carefully . They were eating some green plants with little red fruit on them . The shepherd wanted to taste the fruit . He ate the soft part of each fruit and the hard things in the centre . After a minute he began to feel energetic . He was not tired any more and didn 't want to sleep . Those hard things were coffee beans , and Kaldi discovered them in Ethiopia more than 1 , 000 years ago . At least , that 's the traditional story . Perhaps , it is true , perhaps not . Nobody knows . But we know that coffee grew first in Ethiopia , and we know that somebody discovered it there more than 1 , 000 years ago . Now farmers grow coffee in many parts of the world . Some famous coffee - growing countries are Brazil , Colombia , Indonesia and , of course , Ethiopia . Coffee is one of the world 's favourite drinks , thanks to Kaldi and his goats . One day , a wise man said to his young son , " Come with me and I will show you something . " The father got onto his donkey and told his son to walk behind him . On the road , some people pointed at the man and said , " Look at that man . Why doesn 't he let the boy ride the donkey ? " A few minutes later they passed some other people . The people pointed and said , " Look at the boy . How can he ride while his old father walks ? " so the man got onto the donkey with the boy . Then they passed some other people , who said , " That poor little donkey can 't carry two people . They 're much too heavy . " So they got off the donkey and they both walked . The man and the boy thought , and then the man said , " We 've tried walking and we 've tried riding . Let 's try carrying it . " So they carried the donkey , and all the people in the village laughed at them , saying , " Look ! They 're carrying the donkey ! They 're mad . " When the boy walked , some people thought that the man should __________ . So the man walked , but that did not please either . So they both __________ . The donkey . That didn 't please because the man and the boy were too __________ for the donkey . But when they both __________ , the people laughed and called them fools . Finally , they tired __________ the donkey , and then everyone __________ at them . A long time in India , there was the young king and wise man who was the king 's friend . This king was a good man but talked too much . In fact , sometimes the king could not stop talking . Not far away , there was a lake . A tortoise ad two birds lived near the lake , and they were all good friends . One day , the bird said to the tortoise , " We are going to a beautiful mountain tomorrow . Would you like to come with us ? " The tortoise answered , " How can I go with you ? I can 't fly . " " We can take you , " the birds said . " Hold a stick in your mouth , and we 'll carry the stick between us . " The next day , the king and the wise man saw two birds in the sky . " Look ! " said the king . " Those birds are carrying something ! What is it ? " The tortoise heard this and wanted to say " I am a tortoise ! I 'm flying ! " he opened his mouth to say it and fell to the ground . " It 's a dead tortoise ! " said the king . " Why did it fall from the sky ? " The wise man answered , " This talkative tortoise couldn 't hold onto the stick because he couldn 't keep his mouth shut . Great king , this shows us how bad it is to talk too much . " The king said , " I understand you , my friend , " and after that he became a wiser and less talkative king . TASKS : Murillo was a great painter in Spain . He painted beautiful pictures and he had many students . Once he came to his studio and found a very beautiful picture there . He asked his students who had painted that picture but nobody answered . Then he asked his slave Sebastian if he had seen somebody in the studio the night before . The slave did not answer . When the night came and everybody went away , Sebastian began to paint . He did not think of the time . Suddenly he heard a noise behind him . When he turned round he saw Murillo and his students watch him quietly . " Sebastian , " cried Murillo , " you are a very good painter . How did you learn to paint ? " " I took my lessons from you , master , " the slave answered . " From me ? I have never given you lessons " , said Murillo . " But you gave lessons to your students , and I heard them , " answered the slave . Murillo was a very honest man . He understood that the slave was a very gifted painter , so he gave him freedom and began to work with his " slave " , who was not a slave any longer . A lion , who was stalking a deer in the forest , almost stepped on a mouse one morning . " Please , Mister Lion " , squealed the mouse . " Don 't eat me . Why , I 'd bravely be a mouthful for you " . " You 're right " , said the lion , and he carefully stepped around the tiny creature . Later that same day , the mouse found the lion trapped in a net which had been set by hunters to capture wild animals . With his sharp teeth , the mouse soon gnawed through the tangles in the net , and the lion was free . " Thanks a lot , little friend . Now , how can I repay you ? " the lion asked . " Never mind " , the mouse said . " After all , you let me go free earlier today , and one good turn deserves another " . " Oh , you are a bad owl " , cried the raven . " I made you nice , you made blacker then night " . And from that day all ravens are black and they don 't like owls . found a lion 's skin in the forest one afternoon . He put it on and went to the barnyard to frighten the other animals . " Hee - haw , I am lion " , the donkey brayed at a rooster . " That 's a pretty stupid joke " , the rooster said . " Even though you look like a lion , anyone can tell you 're a donkey as soon as you open your mouth " . TASKS : Two men were travelling in a very wild part of America . They saw no modern houses and no traces of civilization for many days . They saw only a few wooden houses and tents where the Indians lived . One day they met an old Indian . He was very clever and knew everything about the forest and the animals living in it . He could only speak English quite well . " Can you tell us what the weather will be like during the next few days ? " one of the two travellers asked him . " Rain is coming and wind . Then there will be snow for a day or two . But then the sunshine will come again and the weather will be fine . " " This old Indian seems to know nature more than we do with all air sight " , the man said to his friend . Then he turned to the old Indian . " Tell me , " he said , " how do you know that ? " The Indian answered " I heard it over the radio " . 2 ) " Rain is coming and wind . Then there will be snow for a day or two . But then the sunshine will come again and the weather will be fine . " 2 ) " Rain is coming and wind . Then there will be snow for a day or two . But then the sunshine will come again and the weather will be fine . " _ Mr . and Mrs . Fogesern were in a London square with their four little children . They decided to take a taxi to go home . Mr . Fogesern went up to a taxi driver and asked , " How much will you charge to drive us to High Street ? " " It will be four shillings for you and your wife , " answered the driver , " as for the children - they can ride for nothing . " Mr . Forgesen turned to his children and said , " Jump in , boys , and have a nice ride home . Your mother and I will take a bus . " A fox , who hadn 't had a square meal in days , slipped into a vineyard one morning . He saw a juice , ripe bunch of grapes hanging from a vine overhead . He jumped for them , but they were just out of reach . " Oh , well , " he painted " those grapes were probably sour , anyway . " Two men were traveling through the great forest together . They 'd always been friends , suddenly a bear came inside . One man at once climbed the nearest tree and hit himself in the leaves leaving his friend to save himself as best as he could . The other man threw himself flat upon the ground with his face in the dust . He held his breath and pretended to be dead . It is believed that a bear will never touch a dead boy . The bear simply put his nose down close to man lying on the ground and then walked away . Then the man who was upon the tree climbed down and said , " What did the bear say to you when he bent over you ? " " he told me " , answered the other , " never again to travel with a friend who could desert me in time of danger " . The king liked to write stories which he thought were very good . The people to whom he showed them did not like them . But they were afraid to say it to the king . So they said his stories were good . After some time the king sent his men to the critic to tell him that he was free . When the critic returned from prison , the king invited him to his palace to dinner . Again he showed him some of his stories and again asked him what he thought of them . evening . When he saw a plump donkey , his mouth began to water . But just as he was ready to jump on the donkey , a rooster crowed . He was frightened , as so turned away into the forest again . " Hey , look at that cowardly lion , " the donkey brayed the rooster shouted , " you don 't know that … " But it was too late . The lion had turned and killed the donkey . " Ah , my poor , stupid friend , " the rooster said as he watched the lion eating the donkey . " The lion wasn 't afraid of you , but of my crowing . " A stag admired his reflection in a pool of water one day . " Oh ! But my antlers are very handsome " , he thought . " Just look at my poor skinny legs , though . They look as if they could hardly bear my weight . " Just then a lion leaped from the bushes at the edge of the water hole , and the frightened stag ran across the open field . He could run mush faster than the lion , who was quickly left behind . But when the stag into the forest at the other side of the field , he ran into trouble . His antlers became tangled in some vine hanging from a tree . As lion was catching up with him , the stag struggled frantically to free himself , and thought : " What a fool I am ! As long as I could use my skinny legs , I could outran that lion . But here I am now , trapped by the antlers I admired so mush . " |
I was just reading some older posts , and realized that Christmas came and went and I never revealed exactly why Hubs and son couldn 't make the family Christmas dinner . As a surprise for his dad , my son purchased tickets for the two of them to attend the Christmas Eve Giants NFL football game . It was a big secret . Jess didn 't want his dad to know about it . You see , the Giants are my Hubs ' favorite team . But for many years he couldn 't even watch any football games , as he worked Sunday and Monday nights . He worked every other Saturday as well . Since he worked nights , he would have to sleep through any football games that were on TV . But last year , he was moved to the opposite night shift , so he had Sundays and Mondays off ! At long last he could watch the football games . Unfortunately , it seemed that whenever he would watch the Giants play , they would lose . Even if they were ahead when he started watching ! So he kind of stopped watching , it being his fault that they were losing all the time . But ever since he saw them play in person , which was his first time ever , I should mention , it seems that the curse has been broken ! And now the Giants are going to the Super Bowl . Hubs is beside himself . He was very surprised about his gift , and very , very pleased ! Now he has the memories that he will never forget , and the experience was very memorable indeed ! There was a group that went to the game , my son , his girlfriend , her mom and sister , and some friends all went . Some of them are Giants fans and some are Jets fans . It made for an interesting mix ! After the game , I went down to Julies house , and we all had dinner together . It was the first time we had met Julies mom and step - dad . At that point , they had been seeing each other for over a year . It was long overdue , don 't you think ? Anyway , this year marks the first Super Bowl that Hubs can watch in about 15 years . He super excited about it . As for myself , I have mixed feelings . I am used to watching to the heck I want to that night , and I may have to go into the bedroom to wPosted by That 's right , I 've been slacking off in the craft department . I apologise to all . The only thing I 've really been working on is Samantha 's scarf . And even that , only sporadically . I am a bad G - ma . I 've not been working on Chloe 's sweater . I have a feeling that by the time I get it done , it will need to be a bigger size . I have no legitimate excuse . I think I have just lost my oomph . I just don 't feel like crocheting or knitting these days . I do still take something with me when I go out , just in case , but I really haven 't worked on anything regularly , except for at Stitch n Bitch , where it 's required . I did spin quite a bit on my drop spindle , but it 's getting so full I think I need to take the yarn off of it . Then I want to try my friend 's drop spindle . I do have more fiber to spin . I can 't wait to get a lesson in using my spinning wheel ! So here are some old photos , to remind you : Looking at that last one , I have to say , there is a lot more work done than is shown in this photo . I 'm saying this in my own defense . I will take a new photo soon , so you can see the difference ! Happy crafting , everyone ! ! This post started out as part of a collection of random thoughts , and took on a life of its own . This is the subject I mentioned in an earlier post , the one I was having trouble with . If you read further , Please keep in mind that these are my own opinions . I am not faulting anyone for how they live their life . Question : Could vegetarianism cause one to become mentally unbalanced ? Obviously this doesn 't happen to all people who choose this lifestyle ; I see you , put down the baseball bats . I know one person who is a Vegan , what I call the militant kind , even if they might not be . She is so different since she went Vegan ! She seems to have boundless energy now , it makes me tired just talking to her . Obviously , it 's working for her . And I 'm happy for her . She has answered my questions about the lifestyle clearly , and I get it , I do . It 's just not natural , if you will pardon the pun . Our species evolved as hunters who ate meat to survive . We also ate vegetables and grains , sure . But we started out on meat . The other stuff came later . I hate to be the one to break it to the vegetarian / Vegan people , but animals are not our equals . We have been placed higher on the food chain . That is just how it is , a fact of life on this planet . Another thing that really bothers me is the way that animals are humanized , by such organizations as the SPCA . I am not an inhuman monster , I think people who abuse animals should be punished , but that being said , animals don 't have the emotional capacity to feel the things that their commercials make you think they do . Animals are very realistic , they live totally in the now . They accept how things are , they are not dreaming of a better life , no matter how hard these organizations push the sad puppy - face pictures . PUT DOWN THE BASEBALL BATS ! These animals , all animals , deserve a happy home , with nice people to take care of them . I just wish that humans were a priority . When there are no more children being abused , or wives being beaten , and no more kids in foster care or group homes , then , THEN , we can worry about the animals . I might sound harsh , and I don 't mean to sound heartless . I am not . We had a rescued Greyhound for many years , and loved her dearly until her death . On a similar note , why do some people who do good things , have to go around announcing to everyone that they do good things ? And how wonderful they are ? Is there a point system I don 't know about ? Are they going to get into their idea of heaven this way ? What I do is private . I am not looking for anyone 's approval . If I wanted everyone to know about it , I would tell them . Or there would be a master list somewhere we could all look at and see who is doing " good works " and where they are doing it . Today I got to sleep in ! Of course , I woke up when Hubs got home from work , and it took a while to get back to sleep , because he was banging and cursing in the kitchen . He had decided to make an omelet and had trouble getting the lid for the pan out of the cupboard . But I finally fell back asleep ! I didn 't get up until 10 . It was absolutely wonderful and indulgent . I made coffee when I got up , and Hubs had some with me . Shortly after that , he went in to try to go to sleep . By noonish , I got my coffee finished , and got dressed . I went to visit my beloved daughter Sara . We had a nice visit . Then we went to Adams Fairacre Farms , I needed to get some meats , and theirs are really good quality . It just so happens that Sara lives near there ! I figured I might as well , right ? I just couldn 't get near the coffee counter . The meat was way too heavy in my hand basket . Another time , I will make the trip and get some coffee . They have loose tea there too . Perfect ! Just what I need for my tea maker I got for Christmas . So now it 's late afternoon , and I need to decide what to have for dinner . It will be pork chops , it totally depends on my son , whether he will be home for dinner or not . If he will be home , I will need double the amount of meat that I cook for Hubs and myself alone . He is that big an eater . But being a Karate instructor , six days a week , he uses up a lot of calories . I am assuming that at some point he will be traveling to his girlfriends house , but I see that she 's working until late tonight . So he may not go until after dinner . Either way , I have two packages of pork chops out . If he 's going to be here , I will cook them both , if not , I will cook only one and put the other one if the freezer . Can any of my dear readers take a wild guess why I can 't wait for him to move out ? My food bill will go down drastically ! And I will save lots of money ! Woot ! Yup , today I had another busy day . I left home at 9 a . m . and have been on the run almost the whole darn day . First was Stitch n Bitch , then I took care of my youngest charge for 4 hours . Then home to get Hubs off to work , and I got to relax for about half an hour . Then it was off to Karate to hang with my bud Kim , at least I hope she 's still my bud . . . And from there I went directly to Bonny 's for a Dove Chocolate tasting party . Whew . I spent the last of my grocery money on that one . Oh , well . Who needs to eat ? I brought my camera , but didn 't get to take any photos . It was a little dark in there . The chocolate was delicious for the most part . It just seems that lately every Friday turns into a busy day ! My young charge is very adorable . I intend to ask her parents if I can take her photo , so I can show you how adorable she is . My older charge is 9 , and very jealous . She wants me to be her babysitter exclusively . I will ask if I can take her photo too , I wouldn 't want to be accused of favoritism ! My post is late tonight , I just got home from the chocolate party . And I had to run to the store , we were nearly out of half and half . That would be a disaster ! And I am really tired too . Working for a living sucks , even if it 's babysitting , and part time . But I will say that I am learning a lot from Nick Jr . ! ! I walked in there yesterday , and they were teaching preschoolers sign language ! I learned from a singing woman how to sign different emotions . I now can make the signs for " grumpy " and " silly " . I am sure I will find these very useful ! The other day they were talking about art concepts . Pointilism ! The moose explained about making a painting made up of different color dots . " Can you say Pointilism , boys a girls ? " I KID YOU NOT . " From far away its a picture , but when you look at it up close , it 's all dots ! " I absolutely could not compete with that . Who needs school ? Pretty soon they can issue kids a high school degree before they even go to a real school ! It just blows my mind . If they had had this stuff on TV when my kids were little ? Who knows where they would be by now ! ! Today I had to go to the supermarket , as I needed more meat for dinner . I picked up my package of meat , and headed to the checkout . I really detest the check - yourself - out check outs , I feel there isn 't enough human interaction anymore . I only use it when I am really in a hurry and there 's no one waiting on a line for one . I went to the line where there was no one waiting , an old lady was the only customer . She was almost done , the checkout boy was packing her purchases in bags for her . She was just standing there , leaning on the cart . He was finished with her order , so he started mine . The old lady was still just standing there . Her bags were not in her cart . How hard is it to pick up your bags and put them in the cart ? The young man put my meat in a bag for me , And I walked around the old lady , who was finally putting her bags in her cart . . . Now , I know , I know , the kid could have put the bags in her cart for her . But she could have asked him to also . I almost always pack my own groceries in the bags myself . I prefer to . It takes a lot less time . I get sincerely aggravated at people who just stand there , expecting the cashier to pack for them . It takes sooo much longer , and these people look like assholes when they just stand there ! I have even commented that it 's faster for everyone if you pack your own groceries ! ! And don 't get me started on people who don 't even have a check written out until after their order is all finished ! ! I always had my check written out , except for the amount , by the time I got to the checkout line . Of course , that was back when I wrote a check to pay for my groceries . Now I just use my debit card . No fuss , no muss . I guess that this was my ranting for today ! You can relax now , it 's over ! See you tomorrow ! What is it about the humble coffee maker that can make or break my day ? The most horrible day in my memory is the day I got up , wandered into the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker as usual . I try to have to all set up before I go to bed , or I could have coffee sprinkled all over the kitchen . That particular day , I patiently waited the prescribed amount of time in which it takes to brew my usual half pot ( 2 cups ) of Heaven . I stumbled into the kitchen and to my utter surprise , there was a cold and empty coffee maker sitting on my counter . It had died . I was extremely agitated , as it was a relatively new coffee maker . It was only a few years old . So I had to get dressed , and head out to buy a new one , with absolutely no caffeine in my system . It turned out that it was easily replaced , but I got some looks walking around my local supermarket clutching the box to my chest . I must have looked desperate . To anyone who looked sympathetically at me , I told my sad story . Most people were very understanding of my plight . I brought the new coffee maker home , washed its parts , and made a pot of luscious chocolate goodness . I was saved . It is still a traumatic event in my life . At least the last coffee maker I was attached to announced in advance it was nearing the end of its life . I still look back fondly at that one ! I truly wish I had bought another one of that brand , it was the best coffee maker EVER . It brewed the coffee directly into a carafe and actually told us when it was done brewing ! It rang out five loud beeps . It was so awesome . I would get out of bed , start it , and go back to bed to snuggle with the Hubs . When we heard the beeps , we knew it was really time to get up . Unfortunately , I had paid lots of money for that pot . And at this point I can 't afford to buy another one like it . But I do look forward to perhaps buying a similar one in the future . I can 't wait to see what new things they have built into the newer models ! Final thought : Perhaps at some point I should go and buy a back up coffee maker , as my current one is acting up on occasion . I think if it knew there was a replacement waiting in the wings , it might behave . And maybe I could save myself an uncaffeinated shopping trip . . . This morning , there was nothing much to watch on regular TV . This continues to astonish me , that we have hundreds of different channels , and still can find nothing to our satisfaction to watch . Before he went off to bed , Hubs and I were watching a movie on Netflix . I had watches A Wrinkle In Time last night , and it was really good . After it was over , I went through the Science Fiction and Fantasy selections and pulled out some movies I might be interested in , and put them in the Instant Queue . The movie we were watching was one of those . I continued watching it after he went to bed . It didn 't suck , but it wasn 't very satisfying either . I was amused that it was narrated by Amanda Tapping , of the Stargate TV series , and now starring in Sanctuary . What I found really amusing was that other actors from Sanctuary were also in the movie . The actors who play Henry the werewolf , and her character 's daughter Ashley were also featured in the movie with Ms . Tapping . Then I tried watching a Charlie Chan movie , from 1945 . It turned out that I had seen that particular one already . Hubs got up for a cigar about this time , so we went through the selection together . We chose another movie , called Gamer , with Gerard Butler . YUM ! I would watch him in almost anything . We watched this for about a half an hour , and it was very confusing , it jumped all over the place , the past , the present ( of the movie ) , and between different characters . It was hard to follow . Shortly after Hubs went back to bed , I turned it off . Then I selected and rejected a few more films , then finally settled on a cartoon called The Secret of Kells . I almost turned it off right away , as the style of animation put me off . But I decided I wanted to see the story , so I got over it . Of course , all this movie viewing will come to an abrupt end when the Giants football game comes on later . But I have a few hours until then ! I think I will try another Charlie Chan film when this animated one is over . . . I am not the worlds best cook , but there are a couple of dishes that I make that are awesome . The first is my mom 's chili . I have changed a few things and made it my own . Now my beloved daughter has the recipe , and I can 't wait to see what she does with it . Another recipe is Stroke . I have discussed Stroke in an earlier post , so I will just say that this was my Hubs ' favorite dish when he was a kid . Again , I changed it just a little and made it my own . The third , and the one I am most proud of , is my macaroni and cheese . I make it from scratch , just like my mom taught me . It always comes out absolutely perfect . No matter what I do to it . I think the only change is have made is the type of pasta I use . My mom always used elbows , and I now use Cavatappi ; which is elbows , but corkscrew - like . It 's like they let it go through the machine longer before they cut it . I have been tempted to use Rotelle at times , but we like the Cavatappi . OK , so I like big helpings . . . . Anyway , it was good this time too ! I was worried it might be soupy because the roux wasn 't as thick as it usually is . But it turned out just fine . I was just informed that there are two servings removed from the dish , since Hubs had some on his plate before I took the photo . Tonight we had pork chops with my marvelous mac n cheese . I cooked them on my cast iron grill pan . I love that pan ! Now , just as it has always been , the meat served with the mac n cheese is mentioned as an afterthought . Mac n cheese is the star , baby ! I thought it was high time I showed off my outstanding spinning ability . So I took some photos of my spindle and the yarn I have produced so far . Here is a close up shot of the same yarn . I can 't use the spindle for too long , my arm gets tired . I have been very inactive in the nearly three years since I lost my job . But , slowly but surely , I will work on it , and soon I will start to use my wheel . No photos of that yet . I had to tuck it into a corner of my living room for now . It 's easily accessable , but still out of the way . With all the nasty snow today , I didn 't go out , except to move the cars when our plow guy came . But my beloved youngest child took my Jeep to go visit his friend who works at a local pizza parlor , and I had him bring me back a giant slice pizza . I highly reccommend them and the pizza ! The parlor is A Touch of Naples , and we love their pizza . Here is a photo of half of the pizza . It 's so big , they need two boxes to put it in . And these are large size pizza boxes ! Squee ! I learned today that one of my fellow Stitch n Bitch ladies " loves " my blog ! She told me that she looks forward to reading it every day . I loved hearing it , but it got me thinking , and it made me aware of how careful I should be . After all , you never know who is reading what you write . I love telling my stories . But some of them might offend people , especially if they think the story is about them . I go out of my way to really think hard about what I write , to mask any identifying features of anyone who might not want to be written about . And what about those who see themselves in stories that actually aren 't about them ? I can 't control what they think . Guilty conscience on their part , I should think . So I kind of feel some pressure now . To entertain , to amuse , to hopefully not offend . I wish that more people would leave me comments , with their names so I know who they are , especially if I know them personally . I don 't have a very large audience , as of yet , but I like to think that I am amusing enough that people will want to read me . I have several ideas for posts , that I have tried to write about . They are troublesome , and didn 't turn out to match the thoughts in my head . I will continue to work on these . Maybe one of these days , they will be good enough to post . You have all taken my posts in stride , even the ones I considered controversial . Good for you , I 'm proud of you . And thanks for reading me . Maybe someday I will write a book . P . S . The post from 1 / 18 ? Entitled Where did it go ? I found it , it was in my documents in my laptop , as I suspected . I have since published it , it was Words Can Hurt . To be honest , I haven 't really begun spinning yet . Tomorrow morning , I 'm taking my drop spindle and fiber to Stitch n Bitch , and OFL ( Our Fearless Leader ) will give me a lesson in using it . I 'm excited about it . I have yet to try my actual spinning wheel . Maybe at some point in the future I will get brave enough to ask for assistance and lessons , and get started . Woo hoo . Today I started my second babysitting job . My charge is one cute little girl ! As opposed to the cute big girl I also babysit for . The little one was an absolute darling today . I just hope that at some point in the future , she doesn 't start screaming as soon as I walk in the door , because that means that her mommy is leaving . I certainly hope we become fast friends before too long . And this takes some of the pressure off me , as I am now working part time . And Hubs is happy ! So I babysit five days a week , two days for both kids , separately , and the other three for just the little one . And I am home in time to get Hubs up for work ! Another woo hoo ! Today : Stitch n Bitch went really well this morning , I spun on my spindle , and we both decided that I either need a new , heavier spindle , or I need to glue some pennies under the disc part to make it heavier . If it 's heavier , it spins for a longer time . And we were very happy to see Bella today , as well ! We miss her when she can 't come to every meeting . I was so tickled to heat that she reds my blog , regularly ! She even told me that she looks forward to it every day . I am just excited that I have at least one fan . My second day babysitting went really well , the little darling climbed up on my lap and promptly took a nap laying on my chest . Warmed my heart . On the negative side , I got to change my first poopie diaper in about 20 years . You look at the young ones with such nostalgia , until a poopie diaper comes along . Then you remember why you love that they grew up . I got home in time , Hubs was already up for work , and drinking his coffee . We got to hang out , and after he left for work , I got ready to go out . Again . For the third time today . This time , Kim and I were going to our first meeting of the Spinning Guild , in Red Hook . We were both nervous . She 's been spinning for a while now , and she 's actually very good at it . Still , it was intimidating . I mean , all these artsy types ? That 's what we imagined . Even though we knew at least some of the ladies and gentlemen who were there , from the much smaller spinning group that meets at the Clinton Library once a month . Everyone we knew greeted us warmly . That was nice . We wanted to join , but the membership lady disappeared shortly after the actual meeting portion was over . We didn 't see her again until she had her coat on and was walking out the door to leave . Oh well , there 's always next month . I also hope to take my camera next month and get some photos ! So today , I left home at 9 a . m . and got home about 10 : 45 . Left again at 11 : 15 , and got home at 3 : 30 p . m . Left again at 6 , and got home about 9 : 30 . Tomorrow I plan on sleeping in , as late as I can ! Having lost friends in the past , I know from the emails that went back and forth that words can hurt . I think it 's especially hard when you don 't hear the voice saying the words . It 's impossible when you read the words , to know what tone the writer is using . You could easily imagine the wrong tone , say , sarcastic , when they meant the words as teasing . That 's why , when friends have a falling out , I think they should talk face to face . It is easier to end a friendhsip when you live far apart . Like with the friend I broke contact with a few years ago . She lives in another state , and it was easy to sever the contact . I never responded to the email that originally pissed me off . I tried , but couldn 't find the words , without sounding extremely bitchy , even to myself . So I never contacted her again . She didn 't contact me again , either . Maybe she realized she went too far , and said the wrong things to me . I , being a lover of non - frontation , rather than confrontation , am basically a chicken . When I was young , and even more naïve , I didn 't like the thought that possibly , someone doesn 't think well of me . Since then , I have grown up somewhat . I realize that you won 't always see eye to eye with everyone , and that people will come and go in your life . And it 's not always your choice . It still makes me sad , however . And sometimes I wish that things could be different . To tell you the truth , I don 't miss that friend . I hardly ever think of her , except in negative terms . I find myself only remembering the negative things . And there are former friends that I don 't even think that much about . And then there are the friends that you lost contact with over the years , that social media , like Facebook , has allowed you to reconnect with . I am now in contact with more friends from high school than I ever thought possible ! It is great catching up with them . Friends really enrich your life , and are precious , so keep that in mind . You love your friends in spite of their faults . And hopefully they can accept yours . PoBicraftualMe I have tried to get into the habit of writing a few posts ahead of time . That way , if I get stuck , I have a couple of posts to choose from and post one of them . I was two ahead as of the othe day . Today , I went looking for one of those posts , thinking that today would be a good day to post it . It was about friendship , and had taken me a long time to write . But it was gone ! The one I wrote just yesterday was still there , but the one I wanted was gone . Where did it go ? I am confused . I looked all through my posts , thinking perhaps I had posted it already . But it 's not there , either . It 's just gone . Uh - oh . I just had a thought . A friend suggested that instead of writing ahead of time as a document on my laptop , I could write it directly on my blog site , and post it whenever I want . That is what I have been doing ever since . It just occurred to me that perhaps the post I am looking for is still in my documents in my laptop . . . I will have to go look now . If so , this post may never see the light of day ! Last month , I took all my WIPs and put them all in one place , in my big L . L . Bean bag , the one with all the pockets on the outside . I love that bag . Anyway , a few days ago , I decided to take out a project and work on it . I wanted something easy and mindless . I found a black wool tote bag that I was working on . It has a crocheted circular bottom , and I picked up all the edge stitches and am knitting it in the round . After it 's done , I plan on felting it . I haven 't decided about the top , or straps or anything yet . I know that the scarf I was working on was easy and mindless , but it 's only 21 stitches and goes back and forth . Too much activity for my mind right now . I know , I will have to finish it soon , Samantha is very excited about her scarf . The bag is black , and doesn 't photograph well , so I have no photos of it . And it 's only about 5 inches tall as of yet . The bottom is about 15 or 16 inches across . It 's my first experiment in mixing crochet with knitting , and it 's my own design . I do , however , have a photo of the progress on Samantha 's scarf ! Last night , I had one of those nights where I wake up every hour or so . But I didn 't mind , as I was having many very interesting dreams . It made the night seem very very long . Every time I woke up , I would look at the clock , and only an hour has passed . It seemed like very much more time should have passed ! It is the subject of these dreams that I would like to talk about today . They were almost all about my friend , Steve . We met in high school , and continued our friendship over the years . He joined the military , and went away . The last time I saw him before he left , I gave him my high school ring , and he gave me a big turquoise man ring he wore . Unfortunately , on the base , his locker got broken into and all his stuff was stolen , including my ring . I had his ring for many years , but it also went missing somewhere along the way . After he left the military , he ended up getting married , and having a daughter . I was heartbroken , but kept writing . I was very curious , as he never wrote me back himself . His wife was answering my letters . His marriage didn 't last long , and he ended up , still on the west coast , working as an escort . Use your imagination , I don 't think you 'd be wrong . Eventually , he came back to New York . I was so happy ! All this time , we had been writing . I even asked him why he never answered my letters . He told me that he never got any . His wife had intercepted them all . He was shocked that she answered his mail . He thought I had forgotten him . At this time , he was having problems with his ex , she wouldn 't let him see or communicate with his daughter , Stephanie . As far as I know , it never got resolved . We were finally able to get together when he came back . By then , I was also divorced , and Sara and I were living in our little apartment . We renewed our friendship , and were close . He would call me complaining about the young girls he was dating , wanting to connect with someone his own age . I kept telling him to give up on the young girls . He wouldn 't listen . He was my best friend . I still miss him lots . Totally out of the blue , in my opinion , he took his own life on October 31 , 1988 . He had eaten lunch at my brother 's pizzeria just a couple of days before , and Chip told me Steve was planning on rebuilding a motorcycle . They talked about it , because my brother had done it already . Anyway , I was devastated . I was already engaged to my beloved Hubs , but this totally shook me up . My youngest child was born on October 31 , 1989 . I have heard that it takes a year for the soul to be reborn . What are the odds ? Either way , Steve will always be with me . I live in a house with two men . My husband , and my 22 year old son . Over the years I have several recurring fantasies . The first and most prevalent this time of year : I would to live in a house with NO men . I would love to have no football on TV on a Sunday afternoon . I would love to watch whatever I want on TV . It 's that simple . I have a friend who lives with her mother and her daughter . I truly envy her for that . I imagine them sitting around , Kim knitting or spinning , with her mom and daughter , watching whatever the heck they want . My heart soars . I also fantasize about having servants to do all my housework . I don 't want to do it , and somebody has to . Servants would be ideal . I would also love to be independently wealthy , and own a book store . Although I have amended that one , I want it to be a YARN / bookstore . Oh , the thoughts and fantasies that run through my head , you can only imagine ! Back last fall , when Hurricane Irene loomed , Hubs and I were worried about this one big tree at the top of our driveway . We thought it was perhaps unstable , and might not make it through the storm . You see , it 's a big , old tree sitting on a small wet hill . With all the rain we had had , Hubs was unsure about it lasting . He was very relieved that the tree did , indeed , make it through the storm . But ever since , he has watched it . He says that last week , when we had a really windy day , he saw it move . That decided it , he called the guy back , who had come to look at it and give him an estimate . So a few days ago , the Tulip tree was taken down . Now , the man who did it turns out to be a lunatic . See , taking trees down is not his main job . He does it for fun , and the money doesn 't hurt . He actually climbs up the trees and takes them down piece by piece . Our tree posed a problem , in that it was close to the road , and near the power lines to our house . Hubs wanted me to go outside and take photos of this guy up in our tree . The tree had to be 40 feet tall . Here are two photos of the tree , the bottom and then the top . It was too tall to get all in one photo ! These photos were taken after his first visit , to cut off some of the branches . See , on the bottom photo , on the right fork of the tree ? This lunatic climbed up to the second , yes , the second , fork above that ! This is him at the first fork junction . . . ^ And that ^ is him up on the left fork . WAAAY up in the sky . It was cool watching him do his thing . He had his son helping him , and he was all tied off with ropes for safety . It took them a long time to get all set up , with the ropes . One of the big branches he cut the first day , he had tied off so it hung there after it was cut , and wouldn 't fall to the ground until it was lowered . It was awesome to watch . It still blows my mind , that this guy does this FOR FUN ! He enjoys it ! I guess it does take all kinds . . . Last week , I acquired a spinning wheel ! This is really awesome , since I have been interested in spinning , but never thought I could , since it is not budget friendly right now . I believe I wrote about this in an earlier post . Well , now a friend and I are looking into joining a local spinning guild . This is high brow stuff for me . I don 't even know how to spin yet ! My friend tells me that the guild will be the perfect place to learn , since that 's where all the expert spinners are . We attend out first meeting next Friday evening . Does this mean I will become tri - craftual ? Maybe so , but I 'm not changing my handle . I would also really like to learn to weave too . In fact , this leads me to the main idea of today 's post ! I was out shopping with friend Bonny today . I wanted to buy the book about how to knit socks two at a time with circular needles . I couldn 't find it , even in the bookstore . I decided that the yarn goddess doesn 't want me to have it yet . But I did find what looks to be an awesome book in Joann Fabrics . It 's called Spinning , Dyeing , and Weaving - Self Sufficiency and it 's by Penny Walsh . I can 't wait to read it . I have thumbed through it , and it looks pretty cool . It covers everything , from processing fleeces and combing and carding , all the way to wheel and spindle spinning , and weaving . It even tells you how to make your own natural dyes . So now I get to look forward to learning something new ! This book even has information on how to make your own simple loom . And I have a Hubs who knows how to build stuff . Sounds like I might be able to get him to make me a small loom . . . Well , we 'll talk . Some facts about me ! 1 . I was born in Albany , NY 2 . I spent my formative years in Lake Peekskill , Putnam County , NY 3 . I have one sibling , a brother 2 years younger than me . 4 . I am stubborn . I know , it 's hard to believe ! 5 . I hate housework . I have sort of decided that in a past life I was a scullery maid in some medieval lord 's household . That 's the only explanation I can come up with . 6 . I am a cat lover . 7 . I was born breech . My poor mom had to endure all the medical students watch her give birth from a gallery up above . 8 . When I was a child , my hair was very light brown . We moved to Dutchess County , and a year later I went back to visit my friends , and they asked me if I had dyed my hair , because it had gotten very dark . 9 . I love my chocolate coffee . 10 . I have three tattoos , and have plans and gift certificates for another one . 11 . I am an avid reader . Always have been . 12 . Both my parents were teachers . Dad taught Math at Mahopac High School , and mom had her own pre - school . 13 . I have been crocheting for 35 years . I learned to knit from my grandmother , the Knitting Nazi , when I was about 10 . She made it so pleasant , I quit until about a year ago . 14 . I am lazy . If there is an easier way to do something , I will be the one to find it . 15 . I still feel like a newlywed , after 22 years of marriage . We have lots of fun together . 16 . My first marriage lasted three years . The nightmares lasted quite a bit longer . Years longer . 17 . Hubs thinks I am addicted to facebook . I just have lots of free time , and like to see what is on people 's minds . Several times a day . Not counting Farmville time . 18 . Wow , there are a lot more of these than I thought ! 19 . I love my Jeep , but I 'm not " in love " with him anymore . I recently realized this , and it made me sad . Posted by I have to say that living with Alopecia is an inconvenience . Always having to find a hat or scarf that matches whatever I 'm wearing is just one . I am just not brave enough to go bareheaded in public . I applaud those who are , but it 's just not me . Something that I have experienced that most people wouldn 't even think of ! My head gets really cold in bed in the winter ! Who would have thought of that ? I worked with a man who was bald , and I asked him if his head got cold . He said no , it didn 't . I had to ask . Maybe it was just me ? Either way , I wear a soft fleece hat to bed in the winter . I have a few different hats that I wear in the house , and change when I go out . I went through the whole wig thing . They were fun at first , but after a while it gets old . They were so soft and wonderful on my scalp when they were new , but after a while , after they get washed a few times , they are scratchy and uncomfortable . Not to mention that they just don 't look the same after I washed them . I still have all my wigs , I just don 't wear them anymore . There are some positive things about Alopecia too , I must say . It has certainly saved me lots of money over the years that I 've had it ! Think about it , no shampoo , no hair stuff like barrettes or combs , no conditioner , and the biggest one : not having to pay a hairdresser for haircuts ! I have to say that my hairdresser has been awesome . When I was nearly completely bald , I went to him to cut the rest of my hair really short . This was after Britney Spears went psycho on her own hair . I thought it was a great idea ! Anyway , George offered to cut my hair for free until it grew back . I have been there a couple of times since , but not a lot . I mostly have sparse long white hairs , and some short white fuzz growing . I usually shave my head in the shower about once a month . I did have a small patch of dark hair growing on the crown of my head . I couldn 't see it , but Hubs found it one day , and he thought I had hit my head , that it was a bruise . The patch grew a bit bigger over time , BicraftualMe Craftwise , things are moving slowly this new year . I am still working on the first piece of Chloe 's sweater , and have come to a stand still on her purple hat . I could keep knitting , but I 'm afraid it to start the decreases until I try it on her little head . I don 't want it to be too long . The sweater , I just have difficulty crocheting with such a small hook , and it hurts my hands if I crochet for too long . So I need to take breaks . But I do have some photos of the work so far ! First up is the hat in progress : And here is the shot of the sweater piece . It 's the back , the biggest piece . I was supposed to go see my daughter - in - law and grandchildren today , but I got a text from her this morning saying we need to reschedule . And that 's fine ! I may have needed to reschedule anyway , I have a lot going on today . I don 't like to plan things ahead of time too much , I have found that if I do so , something almost always happens to frack up my plans . So , I tend to live more spontaneously . Certain things , of course , need to be planned , but for the most part , I like to fly by the seat of my pants , so to speak . So , today , I find myself with too many things to do . It sometimes works out that way , I find . We had the tree guy coming to finish cutting down the big tree by the road . Hubs had told me he was going to take the night off , so he could be awake for this . He works at night , so he sleeps during the day , and tonight is the first day of his work week . Since he was going to be home , I made plans to visit with my grandbabies . I figured , he would be home , and awake , so I could go . Then he wasn 't sure if he had the night off or not , so that part of the plan was in jeopardy . I might have to be home for the tree guy . Also , I have an appointment to meet the baby I might be babysitting for later in the day . I 'm looking forward to that , she 's such a cutie . We were waiting to hear from Hubs ' boss whether or not he had to work tonight . The boss finally called , he is confirmed for the night off . Yippee skippee . On top of all of this , I need to go grocery shopping at some point . AND , today is the day I usually visit with a friend while her daughter is at karate class . If I get out of my " interview " early enough , which I doubt , I will go right to karate . If karate is over by that time , I will just go directly grocery shopping . I think that 's all of it . I love days like this , when everything happens all the same day . But it usually works out . The grandbabies visit got canceled , and Hubs has the night off . Soon , I need to shower for my meeting witPosted by Yup , that 's me , the worlds best procrastinator . Let me put it this way : I have yet to write the thank you 's from my wedding , Hubs and I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary . I 'm thinking , at this point , they are not gonna get done . Many apologies to my very proper Victorian - minded mother . I have always said that she was born too late , she should have been born during the reign of Queen Vicky . Hubs was notified by mail a few months ago that his insurance company was going to require that all maintenance medications be done in three month supply , by mail only . This sucks on a number of levels . First , I have developed a deep rapport with the staff at my local pharmacy . They see me coming , they have my stuff ready by the time it 's my turn . They know me . It 's awesome . Second : It is up to me to call the mail order place and actually place the order . First we went to visit our doctor , and got all our meds straight . Here 's where the procrastination part comes in . Today is the 10th of January . I just called this morning , to place the order . ( Remember , we knew in November that we needed to do this ! ) I can 't explain it , but I have to mentally prepare myself for doing things like this . I hate making phone calls , especially to people I don 't know . Hubs doesn 't understand . I don 't either , really . It 's not like the company or whoever I 'm calling yells at me , or anything . I must have had a traumatic experience on the phone at one point or another . I couldn 't tell you . But I am getting better at it , thanks to Hubs making me make most of the phone calls . Oh yeah , there is a third reason ! It turns out that for three of our medications , I have to get a paper scrip for a three month supply , and mail it to them . I made that phone call this morning too . I was on a roll , what can I say ? Another thing I 've procrastinated about ? The afghans I made for the Deckers ? I haven 't yet mailed them to Texas . They are done , all washed and dried . They just need to be properly folded and have the air sucked out of them , then get put into a box and mailed . I am really really good at procrastinating . What does that old lady cartoon say ? Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow ? It works for me ! I am thinking about rude people a lot today . It seems to me that sometimes people are rude without knowing it . Like what happened to me in the bookstore last week . I was standing there , looking at a display of new books . There was room between the display and myself , in case someone needed to walk past . I am thoughtful that way . This old lady walked right in front of me , stopped , and turned to look at the very same display I was perusing . I wasn 't that far away , it was pretty obvious what I was doing . I just waited , and she didn 't move . The friend I was shopping with found me , and raised an eyebrow questioningly . I remarked , not quietly , that I guess I was done looking at this display . I just walked away , shaking my head . I don 't think she meant to be rude . She just wasn 't paying attention to her surroundings . My Hubs says that 's what is going on more and more these days . People only caring about what they are doing , and not caring about their fellow humans . Whether they are shopping , driving , or whatever ! After all , they are the most important person in the world , right ? And YOU need to get out of THEIR way . . . Then there are the people who are deliberately rude . These people , I truly do not understand . Like when two friends in a group have a falling out . It is still possible to be friends with all the other members of the group ! This has happened before , and it is managable . But when said friend breaks all contact with everyone in the group , even though they harbor no ill will ? And said cut - off friends try to contact the person they thought was their friend ? The rebuff hurts the feelings of the whole group now . How do you totally cut an entire group of people , who thought you were their friend , out of your life ? What does that say about you ? I mean , some of us are likely to run into each other on occasion , there are a limited number of places to grocery shop , for example . I know that I , for one , would still smile and say " hello , how are you ! " , not ignore and pretend I didn 't see you . As for the initial incident that started the whole thing ? Only the two people involved know what happened . The friend who is still in the group won 't talk about it . And we don 't ask . We are just sorry we lost a friend when we did nothing to deserve such treatment . Sounds like someone needs to have their meds adjusted . I have spent almost my entire adult life working in the manufacturing field . All of that time in different " clean rooms " . But as some of you may remember , I have been out of work since July 2009 . Almost three years ! I know I have talked about the struggles of looking for work , and the frustrations . Now it seems that the Goddess has other plans for me . I started babysitting a few weeks ago , for a friend in need . It 's only two hours a day , two days a week . They pay me very well . Now another babysitting job may happen for me ! This one is five days a week , with hours that don 't interfere with the other gig . Nice ! I saw a facebook post from a friend of my son 's , looking for a sitter . He posted this three or four times over several days . I thought about it . Then I decided that if that 's what the Goddess wanted me to do , she would put us together somehow . And she did . The other day , I saw him in the drugstore parking lot . So I spoke to him , and went and talked to him and his mom today . I hope to meet his daughter and girlfriend soon , and I hope she likes me . As I am typing this , it seems familiar . I may have already told you about this . But I am excited about it , so you get to hear about it again . His little girl is just 1 year old , and she is so cute ! I can 't wait to meet her and get to know her . This could be fun . On the crafting front , I am still working of Chloe 's hat . I am just worried it will be too tall . I hope to go to her house tomorrow , so I can check it on her personally . I will call her mom in the morning , when I get home from " work " . I will let you all know , dear readers , how it all turns out ! About this time yesterday , as I sat in the pizza parlor waiting for my Hawaiian pizza , which is my very favorite , by the way . . . I received a text message from my daughter - in - law , asking of I could make my granddaughter Chloe a new purple hat , as she has lost her favorite one . Of course , I replied that of course I could ! I even have some dark purple yarn all ready to go . So this morning , I cast on my favorite hat pattern , the Elizabeth Zimmermann one . I love how easy it is , always the same number of stitches , all you have to do to change the size of the hat is change the size of the needles ! I have made three , the one for Chloe is the fourth . They are all different sizes ! The hat is coming right along . I have the evening to myself , just like last night . And I 'm eating left over Hawaiian pizza for dinner . Since I am the only one in the house who likes it , I never get to have it . But last night I treated myself . So there . There 's more excitement today , as well . It looks like I could have another babysitting gig . I saw the facebook post asking for help , and thought about it . I decided that if the Goddess wanted me to do this , she would put Anthony ( the dad ) in my path . And if she did , I would talk to him about it . So wanna guess who I ran into yesterday at the drugstore ? That 's right . So I spoke to him about it . Now we will just have to wait and see . Whoop whoop . Now I 'm sitting here watching Netflix . So far tonight , I watched The Last Airbender . It was pretty good . Now I 'm watching some movie about an ice age this year . It was in the family movie section ! Something about how this dysfunctional family has to pull together in an emergency . Blah , blah , blah . So I will sit here and watch the movie , well listen to it anyway , as I knit on Chloe 's new purple hat . Have a good evening , loyal readers ! I have written about my oldest child , and my youngest child . But so far , not my middle child . In order to be fair , this needs to be rectified . But unfortunately , it 's not a happy story . I moved in with a man , and in a few months , found myself pregnant . He eventually asked me to marry him , and that took place in the town hall , in front of a judge , with no family present . About two weeks before the birth of our son . We had a very turbulent relationship , to say the least . After less than three years of Hell , I decided it was time to take my children and go . I found an apartment that I could afford , and it was when I was packing our things that he decided to inform me that he would not allow me to take our son with me . My need was so desperate that I eventually I agreed to this . If that was the price I needed to pay for my sanity and freedom , then that is what I would have to find the strength to do . It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life . All I could do was hope that his father would be good to him . I also hoped against hope that someday he would seek me out and find me . And that I would be given a chance to explain the situation to him . Of course , I never forgot about him . Over the years , I thought about him all the time . I had a few pictures of him when he was young , and hung them on the wall everywhere I lived . Even after I found the man of my dreams , my current beloved Hubs . Well , eventually , there was a knock on our door , and my son 's then - fiance spoke to Hubs . They were getting married , and she wanted his mother to be there . We had quite an uncomfortable reunion , but Hubs and I did attend their wedding , along with my other two kids . My youngest had never even knew he had a brother . He was shocked to say the least . Hubs and I had decided not to say anything , in case I never heard from him . We now see each other occasionally , and I now have two beautiful grandchildren . They are blessed with these babies , they are exceptional , to say the least . Of course , in the interest of privacy , I have omitted a great many details that you , dear readers , do not really need to know . But this story is factual , and it still pains me to this day . One of the things he said to me the first time we met , was that he had no idea what I looked like , since there were no photos of me in their house when he was growing up . This really made me sad . The funny thing is that I sometimes have to see my ex - husband at the family affairs . At first , I was terrified , but it seems he has mellowed quite a bit in the last 20 + years . But I still am wary of him . I may have forgiven , and that took many many years , but I will never forget . At least the ex has moved kind of far away , so I don 't have to worry about running into him in town . I feel better having told this story . And again , in the interest of fairness , I thought it only right that I talk about it . So I missed all of the important things in my older son 's growing up years . And that makes me sad too . This morning , I had it set in my mind that it was time to visit our local Hobby Lobby store . Let me tell you , I usually try to avoid this chain , and I will not usually shop there , unless I have no other option . The reason ? I really dislike people throwing their religiosity in my face . And on a corporate level ? I find it reprehensible . I don 't like looking at the Jesus mints and Scripture Gum they sell at the checkouts . I know I don 't have to buy them , but I am morally offended by this . Anyway , Bonny went with me . I was looking for sock yarn or DK weight yarn with which to make my granddaughter Chloe a sweater . I had planned on this sweater as a Christmas gift , but at the last minute had changed my mind , as I wasn 't happy with the yarn I had been using . Today was the first time I could make myself go to Hobby Lobby . I have to plan my visits in advance . And I am very pleased to report that I did not notice any religiously offensive ( to me ) material on this visit . So this trip was a success . I found some really pretty DK weight yarn in a really pretty color , called Berry Jam . It 's a purpley blue or a bluey purple . I took some photos , and I have to show them to you . With the flash , the yarn looks very blue ! Without the flash , it looks more like the true color of the yarn . Here are both photos . You be the judge . So I got started on the sweater when I got home . I knew it was gonna be good when it didn 't take me an hour to get the right number of inches on the first try . I believe I wrote about this in a previous post . Here is a photo of my progress so far . I am looking forward to taking it to Stitch n Bitch tomorrow morning . I just hope Our Fearless Leader ( OFL ) is well enough to attend . She 's been sick the last few days . One final topic , then I will sign off for the evening . As you may know , I have been out of work for almost three years now . Thank the Goddess my Hubs found a good job after only a few months . ( we were both laid off from the same place at the same time ) I have been looking for work , as you might well imagine . In all this time , I have applied for more than a few jobs . And in all this time , I have had only ONE job interview . ONE . And they never called me back . I keep putting in applications , and I never hear anything at all . It is extremely frustrating . Thank the Goddess I have my crafting to keep me sane . Now I just need to get my etsy store going . I have one , but I have never listed anything for sale . I think it 's fear related . Just before New Year 's Eve , my beloved son asked me to make my World Famous Deluxe Gourmet Chocolate Chip Cookies , so he could take them to the house party he and Julie were attending . Of course , I made the cookies . I even took photos this time , before and after the baking . It was a double batch , so there were lots . Three bags of them , and I had snuck enough cookies out of the batches for Hubs to have some too . Now , I have given Julie the super secret recipe , so she can make them for Jesse herself , but who knows if they will taste as good as my own . There 's something special about a mother 's love that comes out in the baking , and makes things taste that much better . So here are the photos : Don 't they look good ? I use three pans and rotate them on the oven . Of course , you saw the sil - pat type baking sheets I use . I love them , never have to wash my sheet pans again , just the baking sheets . And the bottoms of the cookies don 't burn . Awesome ! Today , I have a mission to bake some brownies , Hubs has requested them . Seems like I will be doing more baking than usual , I have four cake mixes and two brownie mixes in the pantry , and lots of cookie mixes too . Sugar , and macaroons . Yum , I 'm looking forward to making those , I love macaroons ! Thank the goddess that Hubs hates coconut . He won 't be eating any macaroons ! Posted by As a crafter , I have knitted and crocheted . I tried to sew , after Hubs bought me a gorgeous sewing machine for Christmas one year . It 's strange , but I am actually afraid of it . But I did try it . At the urging of a friend , I started attending a local spinning group at a local library . These ladies are awesome , and welcomed me with open arms , even though I didn 't know how to spin . I would sit and knit or crochet while they spun . It was fascinating to me to watch them create yarn out of fluff . I subscribe to a spinning magazine , and after looking at the ads in this magazine , I had completely given up on the idea of owning my own spinning wheel . It turns out that they are expensive ! And I knew that as much as my Hubs loves me , I would not be getting one anytime soon . In fact , I wouldn 't even ask for one . Before I knew my knitting friends , friend 1 gave friend 2 a wheel she had gotten from a third friend . With the condition that when she was through with it , friend 2 should pass it on to another would - be spinner . I am very happy to report that I have become the newest recipient of this marvelous spinning wheel ! I am so very excited to have custody of such a marvelous wheel . Now I just have to learn to use it ! My friend , friend 1 , is a very good spinner , and I know she will teach me well . She had given me a drop spindle and fiber for my birthday year before last . I tried it but couldn 't get the hang of it . I 'm hoping the wheel will go better . I can 't wait to start my lessons . Hubs even took me to go pick it up . I wasn 't sure it would fit in my Jeep . We buckled it into the back seat of his truck , and it made it safely home . Now I just need to find a place to keep it . I know you can 't see me , but I am doing what my mom referred to as my " Happy Food Dance " ! Pictures to follow , soon . This morning I was up before my alarm went off , I guess I was afraid I 'd oversleep . Then it was off to my part time gig . 2 hours a day , twice a week . Not a bad gig ! I was so sleepy , I planned on laying back down with Hubs when I got home . Unfortunately , he was up when I got home . And there was coffee a - cookin ' . That was the end of that idea . After we had our coffee , Hubs expressed a desire for me to accompany him to the house in Fishkill . He really doesn 't like going down there by himself , both his mom and his step dad died in that house . He tells me he 's never liked that house , never felt comfortable there , even when his step grandmother owned it and lived there . Knowing his discomfort with the house , I went along . The Fishkill house has the heat turned all the way down , I believe it 's to 50 degrees , since no one lives there at this point . There really wasn 't anything for me to do , so I stayed inside and read my nook , while Hubs began disassembling the wheelchair ramp he had built for his mom . He just needed me to be there . Anyway , so I froze my patootie off ! I left my gloves on , and had brought one of my heavy wool sweaters with me , knowing it was gonna be cold down there . After a couple of hours , I decided to plug in and turn on one of the heaters Betty had bought . I aimed it right at myself , and plopped right back in the dining room chair . There is almost no furniture left in the house , dining room chairs are the only place to sit . Unless you want to sit on the downstairs toilet that 's sitting in the dining room . . . Eventually I warmed up enough to take my gloves off . But by the time I was really getting the feeling back in my feet , it was time to close up and go . I made sure I turned off the heater , then unplugged it . I also remembered to unplug Hubs ' charging things for his tools . We are home now , and I am still cold . I have had dinner , and everything , but I can 't get warm . I may have to resort to drastic measures and hit the hot tub later on tonight . This really sucks , I hate being cold . Unfortunately , when my hands get cold , they HURT ! One time they hurt so bad , I had them wrapped up in a heating pad , the tears running down my face . The heating pad didn 't help . People laugh at me when I start wearing my gloves in September , and I wear them until at least May . Better they laugh at me then I have to deal with that much pain . I am still really tiPosted by Welcome to 2102 ! I had a very nice evening with Hubs , and I am glad to report that things did not go exactly as I worried they would . He did indeed stay up when he got home from work , but he didn 't go to bed in the afternoon ! He managed to stay up and conscious through my dinner , and through the whole evening ! He started to fade around 10 pm , but he said that he 's made it this far , he wasn 't going to quit until we see the ball drop . We did skip the Champagne , however ; Hubs thought that might push him over the edge into oblivion . His exhaustion turned contagious , and by the time the ball dropped , we were both tucked into bed ! We managed a kiss at midnight , then I 'm sure I promptly fell asleep . My poor Hubs had been up for 32 hours , and I was sure he would sleep a good portion of today . However , he just got up and is sitting here next to me drinking coffee . What a nice surprise ! It is traditional to make resolutions at the New Year . Most are unreal expectations , and never kept . I usually don 't make resolutions , as I try to be the best person I can be all year long . This year , I did resolve to try and be more patient . But I do that every year , and not just at the New Year . So let this New Year be a better one that the last . Many of my facebook friends have gone through some really horrible , life changing things this past year , and I am proud to say they have all survived and even thrived . The Human spirit will not be put down no matter what gets thrown in our way ! There are some mean spirited people in this world . You know , the ones who quit when things get difficult ? Then they like to bad mouth others . All the while proclaiming how wonderful and righteous they are , and they come off sounding like pseudo intellectuals . Well , this is another resolution I find myself making this year . To forgive these people . I will never understand them , but if they want to live in fairytale land , that 's their business . This is not something I usually talk about , I prefer to leave them to their own devices . This will be the last time you hear of this from me . I hope . Anyway , Happy New Year ! ! May all go well for you this year , and may you learn the lessons you are supposed to learn . Blessed be ! |
We had been back in the pony pen for five days and four nights . That day I had been working as a team with Monica - our first attempt together since the branding . We had built up some confidence at running but our stamina was low . I was recovering quickly , and in a day or two more I thought I might be back to normal or even better than before . The nasty chastity belt was gone but Sarah would whip me sharply if she ever suspected I was trying to rub myself against anything . Unaccountably , all my piercings had healed up completely and were giving me no trouble at all . Sarah said I needed a new bar in my tongue as the old one had become loose due to the swelling going down completely , but Dehlia would have to see to that . Even my breasts , which had been swollen from continual beatings and bindings , had gone down , though they would never be the same as they were before . Neither Lucas nor Johnno had touched me since my illness . It felt as if they didn 't even like to be close to me . They had made me sixty - nine with Monica a couple of times . It was probably to see if anything would happen to her , but it didn 't . Despite this they still shunned me . This had made me frustrated at first and desperate to cum - in my pony outfit I had no way to manage it - but after a while the need subsided . That night I lay awake in the pen . I hadn 't slept well since my illness and would often lie awake thinking of the odd dreams I 'd had while I was sick . There was one where I had been some kind of mermaid and I liked to recall it and remember the feeling of strength and muscular power I 'd experienced in that dream . I had elaborated on it considerably , adding new scenes and details . I was not so keen to remember the cage from my fever dreams or the real one that had been moved back into Johnno 's dungeon . That nightmare was always haunted by a shadowy and unseen figure : the one who had put me in the cage and ensured that I would never leave it . This shadowy monster lived only to siphon off my bodily fluids : blood , sweat , saliva , even the juice from my pussy , and the imagination - or was it recollection - terrified me whenever the thought of him inserting his numerous tubes into me came to mind . Autumn was coming on and the nights were getting colder . I lay there pressed up against Monica 's sleeping body to conserve heat , wishing the ground would start to feel warmer or more comfortable . We had developed a habit of almost always sleeping that way , with me on the outside and Monica between me and either Keiko or Noriko , who tended to take it in turns . My sleeplessness and a restless urge to move about more made it awkward for me to take the middle position , and I think overall the cold bothered me less than it did Monica . I was sure I 'd heard the distant sound of a vehicle . Sometimes we would hear cars moving on the dirt road far away , but we never saw one , not even the lights . This time I felt something was different . It had sounded like a car moving very slowly and quietly nearby rather than one moving quickly at a distance - not that I imagined the cars moved very quickly down the dirt road at night . I became fully alert at the point I heard somebody moving through the grass at the other side of the field . It was much too dark to see anything . The night was moonless and though a magnificent array of dizzying stars was clearly visible in the sky , they cast little in the way of useful light . The sound moved towards the house and I had the impression that somebody was prowling around it , looking for something . For an instant I saw a hint of a figure caught in the dim light spilling from one of the windows . There were no curtains on the house and sometimes we would catch glimpses of the occupants moving about inside . Most of the games seemed to consist of abusing Sarah and every day she sported some new injury . She was still obliged to train us , and they made her do it naked , or wearing nothing but a few leather straps , weights hanging off her nipple rings . She had developed a beaten hangdog look to her that she shared with the rest of us and I hadn 't seen her wear anything resembling clothes since the plastic overalls . Johnno would watch her work with intense concentration and never missed a thing . He had the long lunging whip . If he thought she was too soft on us he would quickly use it to administer punishment to her ; if she made a mistake or pushed us too hard , again she would be whipped . He liked to tell her that if she couldn 't do the job any better than him she might as well be in the pen with us . I put such thoughts aside when I heard the faint sounds of somebody moving stealthily through the darkness towards the pen . There was definitely somebody out there and they were close . I got up on my knees and knee - shuffled as quietly as I could towards the sound . It stopped when I moved , but after a few moments it began to come closer again . I moved up to the wire and pressed against it . There , only inches away was the face of Deshi my brother . He was lying on his belly where he had commando crawled through the dry grass up to the edge of the pen . " Yes . It is me . I am so happy to see you . I 'm restrained in a stupid leather costume , but it 's me . Release me , quickly . . . Please . " Suki might not have been prepared for this moment , but I was . I had been hoping and praying that he would come before we were handed over . Dehlia was obviously nothing like Johnno , but there was something hypnotic about her . I didn 't want to end up tangled up in her world and I certainly didn 't want Lucas ' plan to work out as he had intended without knowing more about both Dehlia and Marcus . How could I take part in a scheme against Dehlia ? She seemed to think she was helping us by purchasing us , but I couldn 't figure what she had intended with me or what had really happened while I was ill . " No . The way into the pen is through the stable but it 's just two doors with ordinary latches . We can 't use our hands so there are no locks . " He scuttled over to the stable in a crouch and then stood up to open the door . I heard the click of the latch and the creak of the hinges . He closed it behind him . A moment later the door from the stable into the pen opened a crack and I stood up and slipped through as quietly as I could . The door closed behind me . Deshi was there , I could feel his breath , but it was so dark inside the stable with the doors closed . How did he find the door ? " Hanging high up on the wall are some tools . There are wire cutters and a small saw . Cut the laces . You could undo them but cutting should be quicker . When you get to the buckles , undo them by hand . " He searched the wall where Johnno hung all kinds of farm tools and implements . Many were rusty and disused but others were new . Everything he had used to build the pen was here apart from the machinery . There were even spare rolls of wire . I had noticed all of this when we passed in and out of the stable for training , and I had taken careful note of what tools were there . I had spent many idle hours pondering what would be the quickest way to remove my pony tack . " There are two men holding me captive . One is that shitbag that I married , Lucas . I 've been told he made a big pretence of looking for me but he was the one that made me disappear . The other is a real thug called Johnno . He 's a Taiwanese and very strong . He boasts of how many men he defeated with his knife but he 's not as strong as Lucas . Lucas is inhumanly strong . I don 't know how , but he is . You mustn 't fight either of them hand to hand or you will die . They are killers . You aren 't ready for people like them . " " Don 't get macho now . Lucas is as good at fighting as you and he is bigger . These men are not sportsmen , they are monsters . Johnno keeps a pump action shotgun in his ute , which he does not lock . You must get that so you can shoot them if they come after us . That is the best way . Anything else would be reckless . " " They would kill you from ambush without a thought . It is the only way to be safe . My only fear is that the gun might not be loaded , but knowing the way Johnno thinks , it will be . " " It 's hidden underneath the driver 's seat , right at the back I think . I could only see him get it from a distance . Also , there 's a woman , Sarah , in the house . They keep her as a sort of slave but she is dangerous and is a strong fighter . She might decide to help them or she might help us . She is treacherous and unpredictable so you should not rely on her or take her word for anything . She did a lot of terrible things to me so I hate her almost as much as the men . They will be keeping her helpless so there is no need to worry about her unless we free her . " " It is better you don 't know all of it . You might be disgusted with me , but it was not my fault . I was a prisoner and they tortured me . I did whatever disgraceful things they demanded so I could stay alive in the hope that one day I might be rescued . " " No . I won 't be disgusted . You are my baby sister . The people in the wrong are the criminals . Many times I lay awake at night tortured by thoughts of what evil men might do to a woman they had kidnapped but never once did I think it was your fault . " " The girls in the pen are innocent but they are terrified of everyone in the house , they might even raise the alarm or panic in some other way if you try to rescue them . They will be so afraid of escape that we shouldn 't wake them if we can avoid it . We have to deal with the people in the house before we can help the girls . No other way will work . Trust me on this . " " I can tell you have considered all this carefully and you know the situation . I will do as you say , even if it means shooting these people . Is there some way we can take them prisoner ? Have you thought of that ? " " Are you stupid ? You were looking at my naked privates a moment ago but my bare boobs shock you ? Of course I am naked , what clothes do you think a girl wears under a leather bondage corset ? " " You don 't know the layout of the house . Though it is not complicated they would have the advantage of familiarity there . I think if we set fire to the ute then Johnno will run out and then you can shoot him in the open . Lucas will lurk inside trying to come up with some scheme . He probably has a gun in there . If he doesn 't see Johnno get shot he might come out , in which case you can shoot him too . If he stays inside you give me the gun and I will sneak in the back and shoot him . As long as he knows it is just the two of us , he will never expect that . We must make sure he thinks you want to fight him so the plan can work . " " Don 't even think of aiming at their legs or something , it is too risky . I am so determined on these men never getting their hands on me again , you cannot imagine what I would do to make sure that never happens … The terror they inspire means I can show them no mercy . I will not take a single chance . In the end , if the police are involved we can tell the story in our favour . We can burn the house with the bodies in it . In any case , this place is remote . Nobody can come here quickly . If somebody sees the fire they will send a helicopter to check , but there is no wind so they will not be afraid of a major bush fire starting . " " Yes . Johnno and the others talked about this while I was there . They were trying to work out who might come here and for what reason . They made a plan to hide us if there was a chance of discovery . They argued a lot about how the fire service would act . Giant bush fires are a huge worry in this country and they take them very seriously . If a fire is noticed there will definitely be a response , but even the local fire station is an hour away because the roads are bad . " " It feels wrong leaving these girls you mention to lie here . Something may happen to them in the struggle , but I think you are right . If they are bound up like you were they can only hinder us . " " You are very serious . I was afraid coming here , the story was so outlandish . Now I am terrified , but I can see the scars on your body . You have a right to your anger . " With the greatest care Deshi opened the driver 's door of the ute and began to search for the gun . I could feel my heart beating . I should have been in a panic . I should have been helpless and frozen with fear but I wasn 't . Everything seemed clear . I knew how Johnno and Lucas would behave . I knew where the dangers were . Sarah would not fight us if those two were defeated and she would not risk her life to help them under any circumstances . Knowing the way it all fit together I knew exactly how to exploit their weaknesses . They would probably be drunk and in the middle of doing something cruel to Sarah , so she would be helpless and restrained . While Deshi searched the ute , I stood back in the darkness and peered in through the windows into the house , trying to see what was going on . Nobody was in the main room or the kitchen . My guess was that they were all downstairs in the dungeon . " The safety wasn 't on because Johnno keeps it so you have to pump to get it ready to fire . To pump it you have to slide it all the way forward first and then all the way back . That 's all . I 'm going to hand it over now . Please be careful of the trigger as it is ready to fire . " " My arms are like jelly from being bound up so long . I can barely hold it up . I need more time before I can use them properly . " I did the next part myself . Johnno loved his ute and it would be a small victory to see it destroyed . I opened the petrol cap and stuffed one of the oily rags that was loose in the passenger foot - well into the tank so that the end was hanging out . I got one of the cans of petrol he had stowed by the side of the house and splashed it all over the ute , especially where the filler cap was . I made a trail of petrol that led around the corner of the house . Using the lighter that I 'd got from the dashboard I lit the little splash of petrol on the ground . It made an alarming woomf sound as it went up . The flame singed my eyebrows and scorched my face but I wasn 't really hurt . The flames rushed around the corner of the house , but then nothing happened . I knew better than to look around the corner so I waited . I had seen Johnno use petrol to burn things and I knew it to be dangerous stuff that liked to explode . Suddenly there was a huge explosion that left my ears ringing . Bits of burning ute were all over the place starting little fires in the grass . The windows in the front of the house were broken . It seemed like there was smoke everywhere . Johnno dropped his knife when he saw Deshi had the gun and decided to try and get it off him . He lunged straight at him and had obviously hoped to knock him down and stun him . Deshi rolled with it and they both hit the ground wrestling for the gun . Deshi managed to throw the gun out of the brawl and it went off with a resounding bang though it didn 't seem so bad after the explosion . At least it didn 't hit either of us . Johnno ignored me . Perhaps he doubted my resolve . I didn 't want to get close to him but I was afraid I might hit Deshi if I fired . I stepped in and kicked Johnno in the head with my pony boot . The boots had metal horseshoes on them , which made them heavy and tiring to run in , but perfect for kicking Johnno in the head . While Johnno 's alert would have been perfect if we were sticking to the original plan , there was no way to guard the bastard and still have me slip around the back with the gun . Also , I wasn 't joking about my arms . I could barely feel the gun in my hands and the pins and needles were starting in my hands and arms . I was more afraid of the gun going off by accident than not being able to fire . There were only three shots left . It was enough for all of them if I didn 't waste any more . Deshi had more in his pocket but that was no use in a hurry . Lucas stepped around the corner of the house at the far end . We were near the front and he was near the back , but he was right there in plain sight . He must have been looking for Johnno who had neglected to mention he 'd been captured . I levelled the gun right at Johnno 's hunched , retreating back and squeezed the trigger nice and smooth . The stock of the gun smashed me in the shoulder , the shot going high . Johnno slumped down onto the ground . Lucas squeezed off a shot from his pistol and then dropped too . Both of the bastards had patches of red on them . Cautiously , I walked up close to Johnno 's body . It gave a groan . There were wounds on his shoulder and a deep scratch on his head . He 'd thrown himself down . I think it had saved him . I stomped him from behind , as hard as I could with my hoof , smashing him in the kidneys . The fight went right out of him . I didn 't know if I had knocked him out or killed him , or he was just faking , but I took my chance and hurried over to Lucas . He also looked as if he 'd got a few pellets in the shoulder . Nervously , I rolled him over onto his back , or tried too . He was too heavy . I would need to use both hands to do it , not just one foot . When I finally rolled Lucas over I saw that a single pellet had hit him in the eye . Whatever that tiny piece of lead had done inside him had been fatal . Dehlia had survived a shooting but I guess Lucas couldn 't do that . I imagined that in any situation Dehlia would be lucky ; there was something strange about her that way . Johnno was still breathing . Deshi dragged him into the house . I led the way , carrying the shotgun . Sarah was somewhere inside but I doubted she was free . A quick check of the bedrooms revealed nothing . She had to be in the dungeon , as I had guessed before . Every step I took down the stairs into the dungeon I expected her to jump out at me , but it never happened . She was there , hanging from the ceiling , hooded and ring - gagged . Her arms were in the same single - sleeve binder she 'd used on me . Her legs were locked to the same spreader bar that had caused me such distress . She was bent over at the waist , with her hands hauled up in the air behind her and her head hanging down in defeat . A leash was attached to her collar , the other end tied to the spreader bar so it pulled her head down . A thin stream of drool dribbled from her mouth into a puddle beneath her . I found the safety and put the gun down by the wall . I unfastened her gag and then I pulled off the hood - it was just a thin black rubber hood , devoid of any holes for the eyes or nose - though it didn 't look much I remembered feeling very helpless and vulnerable in such a hood . Her hair was drenched with sweat and her eyes were red , irritated and running with tears . She looked like a wreck . As for me , I must have looked quite a sight as well : bald , naked apart from my pony boots , covered in soot from the fire and with my face slightly scorched . I probably smelled of stale sweat and singed hair . She didn 't smell so good either . " Please … I was working for Dehlia all along . I never really ran away from her . I was sent to spy on Marcus . It 's because of me that she knew all his plans . I did my best to help you . I just wanted to help you all because I know what it 's like . " " Your best wasn 't good enough though was it Sarah ? You remember how it was for me ? You remember what you would do when I didn 't satisfy ? " She sounded pathetic , almost whimpering . Lucas and Johnno had already done enough to her . How much worse did she think I would be ? I was tempted to get the electro - shock gear and see how she fared with it . There wasn 't time and it wasn 't necessary . " I could leave you here , tied like this . Somebody told me once that when you get exhausted your shoulders give out , and if they dislocate from the weight then it hurts a whole lot more . I think you 're quite a lot heavier than I am Sarah . I don 't suppose you can hold out until the police come . It might be days . Or maybe you can ? Should I leave you here ? " I was tempted to put her in the cage , but I 'd told myself I wouldn 't be like her , and she 'd suffered enough in that thing . I put the hood back on her , taking away her sight . I removed the spreader bar and undid the chain holding her arms up . I figured it was prudent to leave the arm - binder on her . I took up the leash and led her upstairs where Deshi was waiting with Johnno . He 'd found some heavy hinged cuffs and locked Johnno 's hands behind his back . Rather than a collar he 'd looped a dog 's choke chain around his neck and put a leash on that . I 'd seen them do that to Sarah recently and months ago Sarah had done it to me . Used forcefully it would take the fight out of Johnno in no time . Deshi had hooked it onto one of the ceiling rings and pulled it tight . Johnno couldn 't move without strangling himself . One of Johnno 's eyes had swollen shut from where I 'd kicked him in the head , and in addition to the scratch from the gunshot there were numerous scrapes and bruises from the later abuse . His face looked seriously messed up . It reminded me of how Sarah had looked when they let her out of the cage . I hooked her leash onto a nearby hook and went off to search her room for clothes . They were missing and the bed was gone too . The floor had been bare boards with d - rings for restraint bolted into them , and that hadn 't changed . There was a dirty blanket in one corner along with a length of chain , and an empty bucket that stank of piss in the other . Her wardrobe was empty . I moved on to search the other rooms for her clothes in case they had kept them . Her bags were in Lucas ' room , one was packed up neatly . The other had been stuffed haphazardly with an assortment of clothes and bondage toys . I guess she had brought them with her on the day Dehlia came and only had a chance to open one of them . I dumped her clothes out onto the floor and picked out one of the shorter dresses and some panties that pretty much fit me . None of her huge bras were even remotely likely to be useful . I had no idea how long it was since I had last worn normal clothes and it felt strange . It just didn 't feel right . I had another look and found a stretch - fabric underbust corset that would fit me . I hardly had to adjust the laces to zip it up . It felt better to have a bit of support around my middle . A quick search of Lucas ' drawers found Sarah 's handbag , complete with purse and driver 's license . I took the cash as it would probably be useful to buy fuel , clothes and other essentials if we got away . I didn 't feel a shred of guilt at stealing her stuff as she and Lucas had stolen all of mine . Thinking about cash and identification I went back out into the main room and walked up close to Johnno who was conscious though possibly concussed . He snarled at me as I pulled his wallet from his back pocket and took the cash from that too . There would be more cash in Lucas ' wallet but I wasn 't even going to look at his corpse again if I could avoid it , never mind touch it . I moved around in front of him and stepped up close . I put my hand down the front of his pants , took a firm hold of his balls and squeezed nice and hard . I was rewarded with a reluctant gurgle of pain through gritted teeth . " I wish there was a way to make you feel all the things you put Monica through , to know how Keiko and Noriko felt , or what went through Mira 's mind before you killed her . Torturing you wouldn 't achieve that in the time I have . Making you hate me more than you do already would be pointless . I think you thrive on it . " It seemed fitting that those oppressive boots should be used against him again , and I kicked him sharply in the kneecap . He gave a suppressed grunt of pain . I didn 't have the strength to break his knee and I didn 't want to . I just wanted to bruise it and make it swell up so he wouldn 't be able to move quickly if he got a chance to escape . Deshi had a lantern from the house and control of Johnno . We took them into the stable and tied their leashes to hooks on an overhead beam that had clearly been put there for exactly that purpose . Deshi set up the lantern so that it illuminated most of the stable interior with a dim wavering light . " I 'm not joking . No matter where you run to I 'll hunt you down and we 'll have such fun when I catch you , but you know I can also be merciful . I keep my word . We had a deal . " " I know you miss being a pony Sarah , so you can go back to that for a while . You used to be one didn 't you ? It 's so obvious when I think about it . You even admitted it earlier . " I kicked his other kneecap to reinforce my command . He winced but didn 't make a sound . Sarah 's face was in shadow and I couldn 't see how she reacted . " You said you ran away from Dehlia but there was no sign she recognized you from before . Johnno couldn 't tell you apart from the supposed real Sarah . How do you explain that ? " " Sorry Mistress . When I was with Dehlia I looked different . Now I look exactly like Sarah but I 'm not her . Marcus got rid of the real one . He didn 't like her . " " It sounds like you really are the Sarah that Johnno knew but Marcus has messed up your head . I know how easy that is to do . You know the truth , you 're just denying it . The thing about Dehlia is just part of the story he made up for you , right ? " " You could if you were working for Dehlia , but you 're not . It 's Marcus that you serve . It doesn 't really matter though , I despise them both . You and Lucas ruined your own lives by getting mixed up with those monsters and you dragged me into it and ruined mine too . I never asked to be part of your screwed up holy wars . I don 't know if I will ever be able to get free of all this … weight … you heaped on me . Why does this all matter so much ? Tell me . I 'm sure Johnno would like to know too . " " Sorry Mistress . Sorry ! I don 't even know the answer . Only Lucas knew . I trusted Marcus and he said it mattered . I know it 's impossible for you to believe me but I just trusted Marcus . " " That 's because it is all lies and madness , " I shrieked , suddenly enraged . " The whole damn thing is a lie . You don 't even know why you 're doing this or what the truth is . Do you trust Marcus or Dehlia ? You can 't remember what side you are on from one moment to the next . You don 't even know why you did this to me . " I was raging and crying and pulling at the corset laces , pulling them tighter and tighter as if I wished they would snap , but they didn 't . I realised what I was doing and let a little slack back in and tied them off . I tried to calm myself by fiddling with the exact fit of Sarah 's corset as if I cared whether it hurt her or not . I wanted to replace the arm - binder with the parts of the pony tack , which was slightly risky . I hobbled Sarah 's ankles first , for a little extra safety . I wouldn 't remove the rubber hood until it was time to put on the leather one . I shut out the thoughts that were crowding in on me and focused on the task of lacing Sarah 's arms into the outfit . It took a few minutes to finish it up . The only sounds in the stable were laboured breathing and the continuing cries of distress from the pen outside . I shut them out . I couldn 't let those girls come in and ruin everything . " You 've left your mark on my body . Piercings . Branding . Scars from beatings . You stretched and brutalised my breasts and made me build up these oversized leg muscles . I wish I could leave a mark on you just as deep , but there is nothing that I can do that would compare to any of that . As all those things were done to you already long ago , what is the point anyway ? You just passed on what was given to you before . It 's sad . " I went over to where the shotgun was waiting and picked it up . Sarah was trembling . With the collar holding her head up I could see her eyes and they were full of fear and despair . " There 's only one thing I can do with you . I can 't risk you coming after Monica , or her family , or my family . I won 't allow that . I raised the gun , bracing it well against my shoulder , remembering how it hurt to fire it last time . Killing a man should be hard to do , but I could feel it would be easy . It was a pity that Johnno would get off so lightly , but there was no helping it . " I 'll do it when I 'm ready . Not on your command . Your demands are meaningless now . It 's no trouble for me to shoot you . It will happen … Now . " He opened his mouth to say something else and I shot him right in the chest . His head flopped and his body went slack , dangling by the choke - chain around his neck . He 'd been so sure I couldn 't do it , but he was the one that gave me permission to hurt others . " Be quiet or I 'll gag you , " I said . I might have been shouting over the ringing in my ears . " You stupid bitch . You taught me that violence works . I 'll never forgive you for that . " I didn 't pump the gun , but I kept hold of it . I took her leash from the hook and went over to put out the lantern before going over to let her into the pen . I held the door open . They practically knocked me over in their rush to get out . I closed the door , locking Sarah in the pen . If she could open a simple latch she could leave any time , but she would never be able to . The stable was pitch dark inside , and I made my way to the other door by feel . The girls followed me out and I closed the door . " Johnno and Lucas are dead . You saw what I did with Sarah . Now we are leaving . I 'll help you get these things off back in the house . " I returned to the apartment in Sydney . I had no idea how to find it but Monica could navigate Sydney and had been there many times . We decided that it would be for the best if Deshi left the country as soon as possible though we were both reluctant to part so soon . I was determined he would not be blamed for anything that took place on the farm that night . It seemed likely that Sarah would survive for a day or two without food . She had water and ought to be in no immediate danger , so I could afford to wait for Monica to leave the country too . She said she knew where Johnno had money stashed . She was prepared to turn herself in to the consulate , but after searching Johnno 's house she found her passport and enough cash to split with Keiko and Noriko . She thought it unlikely she would ever be able to return to Australia , but I didn 't want to stay there either . I never found out what happened to the two Korean girls , but with the mental and physical scars that Johnno had left on them I doubted that they were destined for happiness , but that was beyond my control . I had promised myself that I would survive until I was away from Lucas and Sarah , but I wasn 't completely free of them . As I had feared , they were inside of me and I could not exorcise their taint . The events at the farm seemed as if they would haunt me forever . With everyone else as safe as they could be , I turned myself in at the local police station and told a story about how I 'd been kept prisoner on the farm . Ten days ago I 'd been taken to the apartment and locked in , alone , with a little food and the promise they would return in five days . When nobody showed up I got up the courage to pry open the door and escape . I made the state of the apartment look plausible enough . I was worried that Sarah would contradict my story . It would have been easy to make sure that the police didn 't find that place for months , leaving her to starve to death in the pen , listening to the sound of the flies swarming around Johnno 's corpse - easy in some ways - but I couldn 't do that to her . Lucas had died by accident . I still don 't know if I would have shot him like Johnno if I had captured him alive . I never will . I let the police work out for themselves that the body in the stable was Johnno 's . From their perspective it was far from a simple scenario . The idea that I might have been responsible for the deaths at the farm probably never crossed their minds . The media questioned whether Lucas had told the truth to the press and police and gone to the farm looking for me , or whether he 'd been involved somehow . It was far tidier for the police to go with the former explanation . I stuck to most of the story he 'd prepared about my abduction and that seemed to suit them just fine - it was as if they didn 't want to find anything wrong with it . Eventually , the police decided that Lucas had gone to the farm playing detective , looking for me . He 'd surprised Johnno , but because I wasn 't there he had assumed I was dead and overcome with grief and vengefulness had tortured and killed him . Johnno 's associates had returned to the farm before Lucas could leave and shot him in a gun battle before covering their tracks and vanishing . Sarah was just another one of Johnno 's victims and she was put into a protection program , much to the disappointment of the press , eager to hound her for lurid stories of her captivity . Connecting me to the killings at the farm wasn 't going to make them look good so I imagine they chose to downplay any evidence that led in that direction , if there was any . I guess it suited them to paint Lucas as a hero who did his part in bringing down a shadowy slave trading ring . There was nobody to prosecute . They claimed Johnno 's associates were some motorcycle club members they didn 't much like , but I couldn 't identify them and it never went to court . At first I felt relief at returning to Hong Kong and began to put the horror behind me . After resting for a few weeks and seriously considering my future , I went back into full - time education to work on my English . I was determined not to let the entire experience in Australia be a waste . I 'd been studying for nearly a year when I received an odd letter . I would like to apologize in person and allow you a chance to better understand what led Lucas to die on that dreadful farm that night . If you are prepared to give me a chance to do so ( and I know this is probably an unwelcome request ) you may contact my agent at … There was no indication who it was from , and it was phrased in such a way as to admit nothing illegal ; instead it suggested that the author had been the one who had tipped Lucas off about the farm . Nevertheless , I knew it was from Marcus . Even without the obvious correlation with the scheme that Lucas and Sarah had described , Dehlia would be unlikely to feel responsible for anything that I did to Lucas , so it had to be from him . I was doing well in my studies but I had increasing difficulty sleeping . The strange nightmares that came when I was sick never completely went away . I found that my sex drive was greatly increased from before and that I masturbated every night , often more than once . I 'd had all the piercings removed and found I missed the ones through my nipples . I was almost tempted to have them redone though I didn 't . I 'd thought I would always see them as a reminder of my suffering but I didn 't really feel that way at all . I didn 't really feel that strongly about them one way or the other . Despite throwing myself into my new hobby , it couldn 't compare with the feeling of satisfaction when I 'd kicked at Johnno and stamped on his head . It was nothing like the release of pulling the trigger and watching him die . The more it came back to me the more the martial arts seemed like a stupid game . There were some genuine thugs in that club but they treated it like a macho gym . The remainder seemed like children at play and I began to lose interest in training there . I had realised that I wasn 't learning anything useful . I still went there but I began to teach myself , trying to train my reactions so I would never be caught unawares again . There were incidents where I lost my temper . Some girl whose boyfriend I screwed was stupid enough to call me a slut and I lashed out and broke her jaw . I hadn 't really intended it , but it didn 't bother me either . I simply told her that I 'd kill her if she dared go to the police about it . Deshi confronted me over it when he caught me sneaking in at four in the morning dressed in a micro - mini dress and fuck - me heels . By that point I had fucked dozens of men and I was becoming bored of that too . After his warning I didn 't stop but I had a new awareness of where I was headed if I kept down the track I was on . I was becoming something I despised . Around that time I also stopped sleeping almost completely . It seemed to make perfect sense as it allowed me to pursue my frenzied sex life , spend hours on physical training and still keep up with my studies . Despite the lack of sleep I felt fine - physically at least - and somehow I rationalized it all away as a phase that would soon pass . |
Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . There is a ten percent leniency above and below the upper and lower word limits , respectively . Theme : Courtesy of Me Hulls Raven Theme would be Outbreak Of A Virus . You 're short story should be based on the outbreak of a virus into the population . This could be set in present time or the future or even on a different world as long as the theme is Outbreak of a Virus . Purpose : Try to devolop the literal element of theme , like the " theme " in a book report , ' the author 's underlying messege to the reader . ' Time for an update ? - Writing Forums Length : 800 - 3500 words . Thank you . ( The word count for this contest has been increased after multiple requests due to the nature of the theme . I hope that no one else has a problem with this at all and if there is please contact me via pm only . Posts about this in this thread will be deleted . Thank you for your patience . ) 17th August 1665 . London . The kitchen was always the busiest room of the house as we spent most of our time sitting around in there . Mother was nearly always cooking something or another and Emily and I would quite often help her . Today was like no other , Emily and I sat playing pat - a - cake while mother swept the bare floor with a hard broom . Light shone through the freshly cleaned windows lighting up the small and damp room . Mother tried to keep it as clean as possible , forever dusting and sweeping but she could not mask the musty smell that came from the pantry . As she opened the pantry door to replace the broom several rats scurried past her feet , running off into the far corners of the room . Mother looked annoyed ; she said that the amount of rats in London was appalling . I agreed full heartedly with her , quite often the boys down the road would come around and catch a few for the women and throw them in the river to drown . One of them that came was Daniel , a sixteen year old who worked at the local grocery store . He would run around after the rats , cornering them in the kitchen or bedrooms and catching them with his bare hands . As mother closed the pantry door Nancy , the elderly lady who lived next door , knocked on the window before peeping her head through the door . " There 's another one , Anna , " she told my mother in a hushed voice . Emily and I sat quiet and confused , watching mothers face to see her reaction . She hurried outside with Nancy and I could see them through the window talking quickly and about something serious . When she re - entered the house she was alone and she looked distraught . Emily went to ask something but mother hushed her straight away and sent us to our room . August 18th 1665 . London . Mother seemed much happier this morning , returning to her usual happy state . She whistled and sang little songs with Emily as they made cakes and I sat and watched from the table . Emily was a few years younger than me and not very good at cooking ; mother was teaching her so that when she one day gets married she will be able to cook and clean for her husband . I knew it was not going to be long before father tried to find me a husband . Emily and mother look the spit of each other , both with blonde hair and bright blue eyes . My hair is darker like father , although I have mother 's eyes also . I giggled as Emily dropped an egg on the floor , spilling bright yellow yolk everywhere . " Not to worry , " mother told her as she pulled another egg from a little basket . Her reaction surprised me ; normally mother hated wasting food . Half way through baking the cakes Nancy knocked on the window just like the previous day . She looked pale and worried as she asked for mother and they rushed outside . Curiosity getting the better of me , I crept up to the door and pressed my ear against the wall in an attempt to hear them speaking . I couldn 't hear what they were saying as they were talking too quietly but when mother came back inside she had tears in her eyes . Again , when Emily went to speak mother hushed her up and continued baking the cakes in silence . August 19th 1665 . London . Father came home drunk last night having spent the last of his money in the ale - house . He started shouting about a disease that was spreading across London and hit mother when she told him to stop shouting . Emily and I stayed upstairs as mother had instructed us to do when father came home drunk . " You can stay inside today ! " she had demanded in a strong and determined tone of voice . She didn 't look herself today ; her hair was not pined up as normal and she never ate anything with Emily and me . The only time I left the house was to go to the grocers for a couple of potatoes . When I got there I couldn 't see Daniel anywhere and I asked Mr Thomas where he was . Apparently Daniel was home sick for the day having caught something . August 20th 1665 . London . When I woke this morning mother was not in the house . As always father had already left for work , leaving Emily and I alone in the house . I wondered why mother was not there . Downstairs a fire was burning in the stove but there was nothing cooking , and a loaf of fresh bread sat on the table . A rat lay dead in the middle of the kitchen floor , startling me as I nearly stood upon it . It was nearly mid - day when mother returned . I had sorted out some bread and water for Emily 's breakfast but did not feel like eating anything myself . Mother looked distraught . " I have something to tell you , " she told us , looking more specifically towards my direction . I saw that her eyes were glazed with tears and her cheeks were flushed pink for she had already been weeping . " Daniel passed away last night . The doctor is unsure why it happened . " As she said this I heard Emily gasp . She had always admired Daniel from an early age , her cheeks burning crimson every time she saw him . I felt my eyes becoming soar and before I could prevent it tears were seeping down my face . August 22nd 1665 . London Although it was only two days after Daniels death it felt as though it had been a year . The pas couple of days seemed to pass incredibly slowly . Only news of yet more inexplicable deaths broke up the long periods of boredom . The night before last I watched from the bedroom window as a man had came in the dead of the night to take away the dead in a rickety cart . Daniels body lay among them . At last count the death count had been in the thirties , and that was only in the near by area . Father said that at work people were " dropping like flies " . As each minute passed mother seemed to get more and more anxious , forever sitting biting her nails in an unsightly manner and shouting at Emily and I for the slightest thing . I worried about what was to become of our future as things looked bleak . August 23rd 1665 . London . When I woke the morning Emily looked very pale . Her face was as white as new sheets and sweat doused her brow . She lay in her bed twitching uncontrollably and seemed as though she was in terrible pain . When mother saw the state of her she burst into tears and ran out of the room to fetch for the doctor . By the time the doctor came around Emily 's condition was worse . She was vomiting violently and screaming in pain . The doctor was a short and older man and upon arrival held a handkerchief to his mouth . As he examined Emily I stood out of his way , watching from the doorway . Mother sat on a stool and silently watched the doctor prodding and poking her daughter and she kept wrapping her fingers around one another as if wishing it would bring her good fortune . However , it did not . " I am afraid your daughter has the plague . " The doctor told mother . She collapsed on the floor in floors of tears , begging it not to be true . The doctor lifted mother up with strong arms and placed her upon the stool . " Take these and wrap them in a handkerchief . It is the air that is infected and smelling these will clear it for you . It should protect you from the plague , " he to instructed mother handing her a bag of crushed Posies . " But what about Emily , what can I do ? ! " she wailed . The doctor hung his head slightly and sighed . After two days Emily showed no sign of improvement . As a matter of fact she seemed to be getting worse . The day the doctor had come she lay crying and screaming on and off , complaining about the pain . Yesterday she seemed quieter although she still sobbed . Today she barely spoke and the bedroom had a hushed atmosphere to it . Lumps appeared on her neck and under her arms making lying on the scratchy bed sheets very uncomfortable for her . They were the size of the egg that she had dropped only a few days ago . It seemed like a lifetime ago . Whenever anyone sat in the room with Emily they spoke in a quiet voice and over the day we had several visitors to check upon her . The doctor however did not come again . Every ten minutes or so mother and I would remove our handkerchief and smell the crushed Pansies . They smelt sweet , a big difference to the smell of death that seemed to have taken over the house . Around mid - day the local vicar came around the house with the holy book . Him and mother went upstairs to see Emily whilst I sat at the kitchen table , watching the empty streets . They were up there for some time and when the vicar left he looked saddened . He smiled slightly to me , as if trying to make me feel better about the situation . It didn 't work . August 26th 1665 . London . Emily passed away last night . I was sitting by her bedside when it happened . One minute she was staring at the ceiling , the next her eyes closed and she drew her last breath . I sat alone with Emily for several minutes before going to fetch mother . August 27th 1665 . London . Mother spent most of her time crying today . She sat at Emily 's bed and whispered sad words to a God that wasn 't listening . Father had taken the day off work and for the first time I watched him cry . Seeing him look so upset made me too cry but I turned away so they could not see . The vicar and the doctor also visited earlier , both at the same time . The doctor announced that Emily was dead , and even though mother already knew so it made her cry even more . Father glared at the doctor . The priest blessed Emily with holy water and read from the Bible for a short time before leaving to visit Nancy who had also fallen ill . I feared it wouldn 't be long before I was lying with Emily . It made me smile to think that I would be able to see her again if that happened and I spent the rest of the day playing pat - a - cake with the wall . August 28th 1665 . London . The dead collector came and took away Emily 's body last night . He threw her into the cart with little care and she landed with a thump upon the rest of the dead . The cart was nearly full to the brim , the numbers dead from the plague were meant to be in the thousands . This morning when I awoke mother was not up and father was no - where to be seen . I assumed he had gone to work . At mid - day there was still no sign of mother and so I decided to clean up the house a little . I took the broom around the kitchen and threw open the windows . When I went to open my parents bedroom windows I saw mother and father were both lying silently in bed still . They both looked pale and ill and as I saw them a lump in my throat blocked me from breathing for several seconds . Deciding not to cry I opened their curtains to allow the light in and went to fetch a damp cloth to cool their brows . A tear gently rolled down my cheek as the girls threw themselves to the floor and collapsed in a fit of giggles . My cold hand wiped it away before I turned to face the doctor . He said nothing , looking down at the floor so that I could see the bald patch that sad on top of his head . August 30th 1665 . London . " I am sorry for your loss , " he told me , taking my hand in his . I tried to smile but my face was numb . After several minutes he looked me in the eyes . " I have a way to get us out of London , " he told me , a glint n his eyes . For the first time in days I felt as though God had heard my prayers . " When the dead collector comes tonight for your parents and the others we sneak into the back of the cart along with them . My friend told me that the cart goes all of the way out of London , all we do id get off before it stops . " I considered the plan for a minute . It seemed unsure and poorly thought through but in the end I decided it was better than nothing . I nodded once to let him know I would help before going back inside to sit in the kitchen . September 7th 1665 . Oxford . As Thomas has said , the dead collector came that night and took my parents away . Thomas and I were also in the cart , hidden beneath the other bodies . We held handkerchiefs filled with posies to our noses to clean the air and waiting patiently for the cart to leave London . In the early hours of the morning it had stopped besides a huge pile of logs . We jumped from the cart and hid behind a patch of trees a small way away . My face burnt with anger as I saw them lighting a bonfire to burn the bodies . Thomas and I stayed around just long enough to watch them throw my parents bodies into the raging flames , ready to meet up with Emily once more . It took several days to get to Oxford , which was where we were planning on getting to . We had to beg a ride from a rich man in a horse - drawn coach . He took pity upon us and allowed us to ride up front with the driver . We arrived yesterday night and spent the night in the room of an ale - house . For the first time I tasted beer and although I disliked the taste I had drank so much that everything became dizzy . Thomas said I was drunk , just like father used to be when he came home from work . I cried myself to sleep that night . Today we went and looked around the town . It was our first time outside of London and everything seemed less crowded . The plague had not spread to here and life filled the streets . It made a change from the smell of death that seemed to hang over London during the past weeks . On the afternoon I sat by a little stream with Thomas , allowing the water to tickle my bare feet . He held my hand tight in his and smiled at me when ever I looked sad . I thought of mother , father and Emily , smiling as I remembered the happy memories . As we stood up to return to our room at the ale - house I decided to leave all my sadness for my loss behind me and start a new life . Wow . . . Mine 's in diary format too . . . I thought I was being original , but that 's just kind of freaky . . . Mine should be up either later tonight or in the morning , by the way . The following audio file is taken from the final datastream received from Station 33 - B7a , Galileo Outpost . Partial corruption is present , some entries may have been lost . By order of the Commonwealth High Senate , this document is declared classified to authorised officials , senators and flag officers only . Violation of these terms constitutes a federal offence . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Today was my first day on my new assignment , my first day on active duty on the Galileo outpost . To tell the truth , I was more glad to be doing something than daunted . It 's a big place , but it 's definitely boring when you don 't know anyone and don 't have anything to do . Having been here a week , I was definitely glad to be able to get to my duties . Galileo is a huge station , with literally thousands of personal . Most of them are fleet , but since the entire of the lower levels are laboratories , there a good deal of scientists running around . Not to mention the families . I 'm assuming most of the children belong to the scientists , but this place is so far flung that I wouldn 't be surprised to find a few officers having secretly brought their wives or girlfriends aboard . And off - duty time can definitely be boring … My shift was spent recalibrating sensors , and sifting through the extraordinary amounts of information picked up as a result . It only reaffirmed my belief that this part of the galaxy is a dead waste . Rock and dust and clouds of gas to spare , but not an inhabited world for light - years . By the time I knocked off , my eyes were gummy and strained from staring at the holo - screens , and I was beginning to get a sense of the overwhelming boredom which defines this place . I also met my roommate for the first time , despite the fact I 've been on the station for a week already . He came in just as I was getting ready to begin my shift , and after apologising for raiding my Centauran Whiskey stash ( I hadn 't even noticed was short any ) , introduced himself as Dirk Mandel . He 's a mid - level officer on the ops deck and he seems friendly enough . I assume he 's at the bar right now , and can only hope he doesn 't wake me when he returns . After my first day of real work in months , I have to say I 'm exhausted . Dirk and I have been getting along handsomely . After I got off my second shift , I wandered down to the bar in time to find him being forcibly ejected by the rather burly bartender . Blind drunk , and spotting me as a familiar face , he imposed upon me to guide him back to our quarters , where we both proceeded to drink the remainder of my whiskey . I was in a terrible state when my next shift came around , but I don 't think anyone noticed . Everything seems dead around - as if everyone is constantly half asleep . I 'm not sure I like it . It 's almost like they 're zombies , and I can 't help feeling they 'll infect me too … Dirk says he can get me a personal transmission soon , though . He 's officer in charge of station communications on the Ops deck . A Lieutenant . I didn 't realise ' til I saw him putting on his uniform , and when I saluted he promptly slapped me around the head , and told me not to be so stupid . But he doesn 't seem to be above abusing his position , and letting me send a personal message to Kay . It would certainly better to be able to send her news without having to wait for the monthly data - stream , though she would still have to use it . I 'm tempted to send her this diary , actually . Or maybe not . She might not think to kindly of my getting inexorably drunk . And with me stuck out here for at least a year , the last thing I need is for her to be mad at me . No , I 'll have to compose a different letter . But what in the heavens do I say ? Success ! After almost a week of promises I hardly dared hope in , somehow Dirk managed to get me reassigned . And not just any reassignment . I 'm now junior officer on the Ops deck . I didn 't believe him when he told me last night , but sure enough , the orders came through : ' Officer Stephen Harte , Junior Grade , report to the Operations Deck for reassignment , 09 : 00hrs ' . I was more nervous than at the Academy finals , waiting in that elevator capsule as it sped me to the nerve centre of the station . Dirk greeted me as I stepped off , and with a hand on my shoulder , said , ' Welcome to your new home , Stevie ! ' It was incredible . So much bigger than I 'd expected . Better than that cramped work terminal I shared with three others in astrometrics . Dirk stuck me on my own private console , and had me monitor all transmissions within and around the station . After a while he reprimanded me for doing my job , and we started a game of chess across the room . There was something strange though . A sort of stuffiness in the atmosphere . There was something about the way the Commandant kept calling officers into his cabin , and the way they came out white as if they 'd seen a ghost in there . I asked Dirk , but he was vague to the point where I suspect he doesn 't have a clue . But something definitely seemed amiss … Something is definitely happening . All of he senior staff were called into the briefing room today . I had to deal with the data stream myself ( and that was no barrel of laughs - each individual stream to be directed to the proper quarters and terminal and each identification and encryption code to be registered , not to mention scanning the whole bloody thing for viruses ! ) . Even the other junior officers seemed scared witless , and they know just as little as me . All of the major outpost actions had to be handled by us today , and although we did fairly well , there were a number of disasters . In particular , one young man kept forgetting the access codes his superior had given him , and every time he guessed them incorrectly , the whole station locked down . It happened about four times in my eight hour shift . Luckily one of the techies managed to hack the system to undo the damage , but by the fourth time of asking we were all a little tired of it , to say the least . Dirk got in a few minutes ago . He looked haggard . I hadn 't seen him since he went into the meeting , and just having checked the logs , he and all of the senior staff have been in the briefing room since then ! The whole of the station has been in the hands of the juniors all day ! It 's a wonder we haven 't blown the outpost to hell . Dirk wouldn 't tell me anything about what was happening , but he was scared witless , that much was clear . He told me under no circumstances to visit any levels lower than our quarters , ordered me even ( which is a bit of a blow , since the common area with all the bars and everything is below ) . He did give me his access codes though , so I can send as many transmissions as I like from the outpost 's array . When I asked him if he wouldn 't get into trouble , he gave a nervous laugh and told me , ' I think they have more important things to worry about , Stevie . ' He left straight away , and I haven 't a clue where he is now . Today was chaos . The senior staff were in meetings , or else just absent , for all of my shift , and from what I gather for most of the day . The most senior of the junior officers have formed their own level of command , and have taken the place of the senior staff . For some reason they seemed to have included me into their circle as well . I think it 's probably because I 'm quartered with a Lieutenant , though they must have been frightfully disappointed with what I could tell them ( I 'm the only junior officer quartered with a senior officer , and Dirk is the only Lieutenant without his own quarters . I 've checked on the manifest , using the access codes he gave me . I 'm not sure what to make of that , really , but it 's certainly confusing . In all the activity keeping the place from falling apart , I didn 't get a chance to send the letter I wrote for Kay . It 's beautiful , if I do say so myself . I think I 'll do it now , off Dirk 's terminal . God only knows where he is ( and presumably the Commandant , too ) , but the access codes for his console should be good . He might not be bothered about it being detected , but I think I 'll encode it in the reports anyway . Just in case . Kay should probably get it all the same . God but I miss her … Things seem to have returned somewhat to normality . The senior staff has retaken the Ops deck , and their posts , and the junior officers all received commendations for their actions . We still have no idea what was going on though , and to be honest it doesn 't feel like anything has changed . The officers are still jumpy , and there seems to be a tension in the air itself . I 've only been down to the common area once since Dirk ordered me not to go there . It was after the junior officers were commended , we all went down to celebrate ( meaning get unceremoniously drunk ) . It was strangely different to when I had been there with Dirk . For one thing , there were far fewer senior officers around . In fact , the senior bar was completely empty . There was an atmosphere of apprehension and trepidation there that seemed to me worse than on the Ops deck . It was like a thick soup in the air , a fog which I had to push my way through . There were very few smiles anywhere , though I doubt anyone had any clear ideas as to what was wrong . It was more a feeling than anything . That something bad had happened , was still happening , and would continue to happen … Needless to say , I didn 't stay long . I made my excuses and hurried back here , and I shall try and get some sleep . I 'm on duty again at 13 : 00hrs . I doubt I 'll get much rest though . There is too much going around my head at the moment … And I think I 'm coming down with something , as well . Something has definitely gone wrong . Dirk came in a few hours ago , and woke me up to tell me that I was no longer on duty at 13 : 00hrs . Instead I have to report to a briefing of the junior officers at 14 : 00hrs , by the Commandant himself . Dirk is worn almost to breaking point . He looks tired , starved , and scared out of his wits . I don 't know the last time he ate , and this is certainly the first time he 's slept in at least forty eight hours . He 's a mess . I 'm going to head for the briefing room now . I 'll take the long way around , so that I don 't get there too early , but I want to leave Dirk to sleep in peace . God knows he needs it . And I 've now decided , I 'm not stepping foot below this deck again , unless I 'm ordered too . Whatever the seniors are afraid of , it 's down there . The meeting has just finished . I 've come straight back to my quarters , and Dirk isn 't here - which is annoying , because I need to talk to him about everything . The Commandant , looking just as haggard as Dirk had , told all of us ( the junior officers commended ) what 's been happening . It 's worse than I thought . And I 'm surprised I haven 't come back to find Dirk having topped himself in the shower . That 's a point … … Nope , the shower is completely empty . But anyway , one of the laboratories on the lower levels has had a containment breach . It should have been nothing , as there was nothing that would be harmful to the outpost populace on the outpost . But it appears someone screwed up . Big time . Some sort of viral agent has begun spreading through the lower levels . All of the laboratories have been sealed off , as well as the lower quarters . No one is allowed in or out of the quarantined zones , with lancers guarding the doors . But somehow , the infection keeps getting past the barriers . It adapts to the scrubbers , and finds some sort of mystery way through doors that should be airtight . It is slowly but surely taking the station from us . The medical corps have had no luck with it , and the Commandant has ordered them to stop trying . They just end up infecting more and more . There is a pretty collection of doctors and nurses dying of the thing sealed away in the quarantine chambers apparently . I wish Dirk was here . I could do with knowing what this contagion is … It 's all going to hell . The Commandant has ordered complete isolation of the upper decks . There were riots yesterday , and shots were fired . I haven 't heard any reports of it I trust yet , but we all heard the shots being fired , the screams . There was nothing we could do though . We had to keep working , under the steely glares of the senior officers . They 're scarcely human any more , cold and empty from all the fear and stress lately . Dirk is a mess . I 've seen him once today , hurtling across the Ops deck , to the Commandant 's office . He had blood across his face , and his wide - eyed scare was emptier and more hollow than before . I called , but I don 't think he even heard me . I guess he had been with the lancers . The entire thing is escalating . I think I 'll send Kay a message explaining what 's happening . It 'll worry her no end , but she deserves to know what 's happening . The end is upon us . The senior officers have barricaded themselves in the Ops Deck , and I 'm just thankful I was on duty when they did . We 've isolalated the Ops Deck from the rest of the station , and nothing can get in or out . Dirk is here with me , and together we 're working our way through the Commandant 's private brandy stock . I actually believe I won 't make it out of here . I might send a last transmission to Kay … I said nothing could get in or out , but seemingly the contagion can . There is mass pandemonium here , though it 's calmed down now . The Commandant and several Lieutenants have fallen sick , and it resulted in a mutiny . For the best , I think . The sick men are confined to the Commandant 's office , but it 's only a matter of time until the rest of us fall sick too . There are seven of us here ( including Dirk and me ) and we 're all in various stages of inebriation . Not that we 'll get any worse now , the rest of the alcohol is in the office with the sick men . At least they can drink their pain away . We 've turned off the cameras . People are growing desperate across the outpost . Some of the things I 've seen … I don 't know what to make of it all . Civilization is in tatters , and the best way out of this situation is if no one ever hears of Galileo outpost again . I 'm not sure whether it 's worse to get the disease , or to be trapped in the cycle of fear of it . It 's over . Only me and Dirk are left . The rest have contracted the disease , and taken their own lives almost immediately . Seven corpses in only a day . It 's ridiculous . And I can 't even hear any noises from the Commandant 's office any more . I 'm going to die out here , alone , scared , and so far away from Kay … Dirk is sick . He doesn 't realise it yet , but he will do soon enough . There are blisters across the back of his neck : red , pus - filled sores . It looks horrible , but the worst part is knowing what will come next . They 'll spread , until his face is completely disfigured , and then he 'll start writhing in the pain of it , breaking the blisters and spilling blood and pus everywhere . Then he 'll hack up his guts for the next three days , until his lungs give out and he dies on the floor , drowning in his own blood . I 've taken his gun . I don 't think he 's noticed . He won 't until he realises he 's sick , and then he 'll want it to blow his head off . I guess I 'm just a selfish bastard . I just don 't want to be left alone right now . There are sounds at the blast doors . People are trying to get in . They won 't , but in some ways the sounds of their suffering is worse than if they did . Dirk is dead . He realised almost an hour ago that he was sick . He was livid with me for taking his gun . He shouted , threatened me , he even stripped me of my rank and told me in a deadly serious voice that he would take me to court martial . Sorry , poor choice of words there … Then he just broke down and sobbed . It was the worst thing so far . To see him just crying there . He told me all about how he 'd joined the corps in hope of one day commanding his own vessel , and if only he could have made it through assignment here he knew he would have had his own command . He didn 't so much tell me , as rather he said it and I heard . I didn 't interrupt . I wouldn 't have known what to say anyway , but my tongue wouldn 't say a word . At the end of his sad tirade , he looked me straight in the eyes and said , ' Stevie , I don 't want it to end like this . Please Stevie … Not this way … ' There was nothing else I could do . I nodded , I saluted … and then I shot him . One round , through the forehead . He didn 't feel a thing . And now I 'm alone on the Ops deck , with just the corpse of my dead friend for company . Oh God , what do I do now ? I am acting Commandant of Galileo outpost . Not bad , considering that this morning I was a junior officer on the Ops deck . I know what I have to do now . I 've taken a look through the files , and this contagion can 't be stopped . The quarantine beacon has shut down ( though why , I 'm not sure ) , and I need to make sure that the virus never reaches earth . After my brief research I am sure that if I activate the station 's auto - destruct , the resulting explosion will destroy the virus . Unfortunately , it will destroy the station too . That 's the only drawback . Though in all honesty I can 't see any uninfected on the cameras … There . It 's done . In five minutes , the reactor core will go critical , and the entire station will be destroyed in an explosion of radioactive dust . I do my duty , even to the point of death , and I 'll die here on the Ops Deck . I 'm sending a final transmission to Earth , with everything that happened here , including all data on the contagion . I 'll include this too . Kay , if you ever get this … I love you … and I 'm sorry … Note to reader : This is not a true story but the virus is loosely based on the Marburg virus outbreak in the Eastern Congo . The zoonosis is of unknown origin but fruit bats are suspected . This virus is spread through bodily fluids . My senses are screaming that this dank forest is alive with movement and danger . But I don 't care . Birds and insects are creating a natural symphony in the dead of night , playing with my nerves like a broken banjo . I blindly run on faster through the dark , letting the baby palm fronds whip my legs as I rush pass . Something hard lands on my shoulder . I jump and brush it off all in one movement ; not bothering to stop and to see what it is . I am in a hurry . My daughter , Beah , is in need of the doctor . Boiled groundnut water is no longer holding off the fever that infects my daughters head . My wife Livia has whispered prayers all night to no avail . I glimpse a light up ahead telling me I am nearing the medicine hut . The heady smell of something similar to eucalyptus is strong in the air . It is stagnant and heavy . This smell comforts me and I take a deep breath before knocking on the door . Mama keeps telling me that papa has left for the medicine lady . But these minutes feel so long . My head is so wobbly . Like a balloon fill half way with water . I cannot lift it without my brain flopping around . The room spins when I move … so I just lay here on my side . My sweat is dripping down my head and fills my nostril . I am afraid to tell mama that I might be pregnant because I kissed Ishmael down behind the church last week . I did not know having babies hurt so much in the head . I wonder if God is punishing us because I heard Ishmael is sick with a rash too . My tummy hurts so badly . I 'm sorry God ; I did not know I could have babies at 7 years old . " No ! … . I mean … . Pashna … we have been friends since we were children , I would not ask you if it were not important . " Crickets filled the silence between us . I watch as Pashna grabs her medicine bag , sighing as she hobbled as quickly as she could out the door . Father rushed in with Dr . Pashna quick behind him . Mama whispers to them , but I can 't hear them because my ears feel funny . Papa keeps dancing and puts on a purple hat made of the most beautiful cloth I have ever seen . He smiles , and flies the hat over to me . " Oh papa you 're so silly . Thank you for this hat . I will wear it always ! Will you teach me to fly too papa ? " " It is worse that I thought " Pashna confirmed " We must act immediately . Quick hand me some palm oil from my bag , and find me some fresh cassava leaves . This is going to be a long night , so boil some water and get a few clean rags " I feel my daughter 's hot skin and pray to God she will be ok . The fever has made her head mad . Pashna says she is seeing things that are not there , and that the devil is trying to draw her away from us . Pashna looks unbearably tired , rubbing cold wet cloths on her neck , as she makes a salve for Beah . Her eyes are sunken and permanent pouches have made a new home under her eyes . I am startled out of my weary thoughts when Pashna jumps from her seat . Beah has begun to cough . Pashna is spray painted with Beah 's blood . Blood coughed from the inside . Black blood is now dripping out of Beah 's mouth and it ripples with every ragged breath . My chest is in my throat . A loud noise crashes behind me as Livia faints to the ground taking picture frames and books with her . I rush over and steady her into a chair I fan her till she is fully awake . I do not realize I am crying until Livia thumbs away my tears and kisses my salty lips to comfort me We enter the cooking area and I kneel to absently stoke the fire . Pashna put her hand on my shoulder and I shake my head not wanting to hear her words . " Livia can 't handle the stress . We have to take up more of the responsibility . You are going to see things you have never seen before , happen to your child but you must remain strong . You must be the pillar so that your daughter will live . I have seen this to often lately Talloi … this unknown fever is running though our village . Four grown men this past week have departed for the spirit world . Just today we lost little Ishmael junior to it . " I turn sharply with wide unbelieving eyes to look at Pashna . " We must keep a close eye on Beah tonight " she continued with her head slumped " these are the crucial hours that will tell the tale of whether she will make it or not . " A loud bang on the front stoop broke our conversation . A large man I recognize , who teaches at Beah 's school , opens our door . Pashna and I jump as he yells wildly about help and holds out his infant baby girl , her bony legs and arms swinging lifelessly over his massive arms . What is happening to our village ? Pashna takes hold of the baby and barely shakes her head . It is too late . " Your baby is still hot to touch , but her life 's breath has already breathed its last . " Pashna says quietly . " No " he shouts pointing at Pashna " Mia is ok ! " The man is sweating and his eyes are yellow from fatigue . He lets out a groan and takes the baby , shaking her gently . Pashna moves to take the man into her arms , but the man brushes her away " you will pay for this woman ! " he screeches accusingly . His eyes are wild and his breathing rapid . He grasps the baby into his chest and turns running into the darkness leaving Pashna with her arms still stretched out . Papa is screaming . Are bee 's stinging my skin ? So cold . Why isn 't Dr . Pashna helping ? " MAMA " I try scream , but she doesn 't listen . " My tummy mama ! " I hear people running all over and I can taste dirt in my mouth … " Papa I 'm scared " I am so tired . We lost Beah 4 days ago , and I feel like my lungs are in a vise . My mind won 't let me think . I feel like I am in a dream . Livia has had the fever for 3 days now , and from looking at her you would think she was dead already . My life feels surreal . I see this sickness taking my family away and I just sit here … I feel like it is happening to someone else . Pashna is feeding Livia inhumane amounts of water , and her stomach is soft and bloated from the effect . Mayhem is in the village . Pashna is called a witch , we are called the carriers . They all seem to blame us . Yet everyday there are those who stop by the house to have a word with Pashna . To get some answers . The cemetery is getting full and we have no idea how to stop this madness . Pashna muffles her moaning . She is trying to hide that she too is sick . I clear my throat and pretend not to notice , for if we lose her medicinal help , we may lose Livia … we may lose the town . Sweat drips off us all . We are so tired , and do not know whether it is day , or night , or next week . Pashna begins to shake . I let out a silent whimper , and lunge forward as she starts to violently throw up mucousy blood . Her thinning grey hair gets tangled in the mess and I grab Beah 's old cup of water to rinse her clean . She motions me to stop her voice shaking , " Talloi , you must leave and save yourself . This sickness will infect us all . You must leave now , you must leave the town , and bring word to the other villages that this place is in quarantine and is surely lost . " " Don 't say that Pashna … . " I cry " we can make it through … we can … " Livia starts to cough blood which has not stopped trickling out of her mouth for days . She is following Beah 's death path . Her bones are beginning to show under her thin skin . I feel put in my place . I feel selfish . If I am the only healthy one left , then it is my duty to let others know . I nod my head in despair , for I do not want to know this fate . Livia has not woken in days her breathing comes in gasps and rumbles with mucus . I go tIt is again night time , and I am walking though the forest . I am not sure how long I have been walking for . I no longer hear the pain of the town echoing off the trees . I heard babies crying for mothers that have long passed and I grieve for there is no one left to take care of them . The forest is again alive with danger , but his time the bird and crickets are playing a symphony of sorrow that soothes me . They do not play to mock me . They have seen my pain . I stumble my way through the darkness . Baby palm fronds lick my legs as I drag myself by . I am so tired . My head is pounding , and I am sticky with another 's blood . Something hard falls on my shoulder , but this time I am to tired to push it off . I feel it crawl down my back and somehow lose track of it . I see a light , which tells me the next village is ahead . I guiltily rejoice and jog towards the village for help . Thanking God that the fever won 't get me here . Wow . . . Mine 's in diary format too . . . I thought I was being original , but that 's just kind of freaky . . . Mine should be up either later tonight or in the morning , by the way . Click to expand . . . Rodger walked over to Charlie , rubbing his hand through his black hair worriedly . " She wasn 't there when I went to feed the dogs this morning . I thought someone had mistakenly taken her out on patrol , but she 's still not back . " Charlie swore , " They know they can 't take the dogs out whenever they want . I 've told everyone that a hundred times . Who 's going to sniff out the infected , if they 're too damn tired from playing all day . " He took a deep breath , ending his rant , before continuing . " You start looking for her . I 'll ask everyone downstairs if they 've seen her . " Rodger nodded and headed off . He wondered where he should look first . There were only so many places to hide in the building . The former church was full of survivors and supplies . So only a few of the smallest closets and a few of the worst rooms in the basement were free of people . He decided to check the roof . If any kids were playing with the dog they 'd be up there . As much as he wanted to find Lassie , he really hoped the few kids they had weren 't playing with her . They 'd have to be punished for breaking the the rules , and people were on edge enough already . Having over fifty people staying at the church hoping none of the infected attacked was enough to make anyone freak out if they were given the slightest push . It was too bad they couldn 't spread out a little bit . Unfortunately the church was the only strong building in the area that didn 't have large easily broken windows at ground level . So the people who hadn 't succumbed to the virus , hadn 't been killed at the hands of their insane friends and family , and hadn 't fled the city , or committed suicide , had come here . If it wasn 't for the fact that the sick didn 't like bright lights , and the dogs being able to sniff them out during the later stages of infection , they 'd all be dead right now . It was hard to imagine that only a little over a week since the infection had hit the US , the entire Eastern Seaboard had collapsed . It wasn 't easy staying alive . Everyone was hungry , tired of the nightly attacks , sick of having no privacy , suffering from lack of medicine and a whole textbook of psychological trauma . The radio reports of quarantines in the remaining cities of North America didn 't help either . The announcers had stopped reporting on what cities were still alive , a few days ago . According to a person on the short wave radio , people had started rioting in some of the cities as reports kept rolling in of how other cities were collapsing all around them . That had only made the situation in the church worse . They really didn 't need a missing dog thrown into the " Thanks , " Rodger said walking away . Rodger threw himself against the wall of the narrow staircase to avoid Charlie . " Are we being attacked ? " Rodger asked , panicked . " I found Lassie , " Charlie gasped . " She 's dead . Torn apart . She was in the basement . " Rodger slumped down onto the stairs . Someone was infected inside the building . " Do you know who ? " " Kandace , one of the little kids told me she saw Sam with Lassie early this morning when she was suppose to be asleep . She says she recognized his hat . But I 'm not sure how good of a witness she is . " * * * * , thought Rodger . This couldn 't be happening . Anyone who was still sane was suppose to be immune to the airborne virus . Only direct contact was suppose to be a danger to them . But who else but one of those sick bastards would tear an animal apart . They couldn 't risk it , if someone was infected they had to get rid of them now . " Charlie , get Sam he 's on the roof , bring him to my office , " he said . " Should I bring some guards ? " Charlie asked . Rodger shook his head . " No I want this kept between you , me and Sam , if that 's possible . We can 't have a panic . " Charlie nodded and went up the stairs . Rodger walked to his office . Five minutes later as Rodger sat in his chair there was a knock on the door . " Come in , " Rodger said . Sam stepped in , Charlie looked in briefly and then closed the door . He 'd make sure no one came by and just happened to overhear what was occurring . Sam was kneading his cowboy hat nervously , his sunglasses still on . " Please have a seat , and take your sunglasses off , " Rodger said . " Okay , " Sam said doing as he was told . He kept his eyes down and looked around the room , obviously trying to avoid eye contact . " What can I do for you ? Charlie was pretty close mouthed . " " Did you kill Lassie ? " Rodger asked bluntly . Sam 's head flicked back and forth , trying to avoid Rodgers eyes . " What ! " he said a few seconds later , sounding more scared then shocked . " Look at me , " Rodger said . " I need to see your eyes . " Sam looked at Rodger , his eyes were a sickly yellow , the first clear sign of infection . He started crying . Rodger took the gun from his lap and pointed it at Sam . " I need to know how this happened . Did the virus mutate again ? " " I got a nail in my foot three days ago . It wasn 't a bad cut or anything , I didn 't notice until we got back , " Sam said , his voice rising and falling strangely , he was on the edge of panic . " One of the infected must have cut themselves on the same thing a little while before . I cleaned it out as soon as I realized . It was just too late . Please , I don 't want to die . " " Why did you kill Lassie ? " Rodger said trying to keep the remorse out of his voice . He had to be strong . " I just needed to attack something . I wanted to kill something . But I knew I couldn 't hurt a person . So I grabbed the nearest dog . I tried to control myself . I held out for an entire day before I did it , " he pleaded . " You don 't know what its like . But I 'm working on it . I can control myself . Please don 't kill me . I 'll leave the church . You 'll never see me again . I swear , just let me leave . " Rodger shook his head , " I 'm sorry , but you 're not leaving here . I won 't let another infected out into the world . " As Sam rose angrily , Rodger aimed the gun directly at his chest . " Please don 't make me shoot you . You have two choices . I can shoot you , and I will . But I don 't want to shoot a friend like a rabid dog . I also need to consider the other people here . If I shoot you they 'll know soon enough and start to panic . I won 't let you leave alive , but there is another means , where no one has to know you were infected and you won 't feel a thing . " " You want me to commit suicide , " Sam said bitterly his tears forgotten . " Should I just throw myself off the roof , or shoot myself in the head ? " Rodger tossed a pill bottle to Sam with his free hand . " It 's heart medication . No one here uses it so you can . Just take five of the pills and in half an hour you 're hear will effectively seize up . It 's practically painless you won 't even realize whats happening until a few seconds before you collapse . Charlie or I will stay with you until you die . " " Making sure I don 't hurt anyone , " Sam sneered . " Making sure you don 't die alone , " Rodger answered him sadly . " We don 't want to do this . But this is the only way to keep what few healthy people there still are working together , and not panicking . Now please take the pills , its the only mercy I can show you . " Sam opened the pill bottle and slowly took one pill after the other . He stood up and walked to the door . " I 'll go with Charlie , don 't worry I won 't make a scene . You can sit here and wonder about your Hippocratic Oath while you figure out what to say to everyone . " The room shook as he slammed the door shut . Rodger bowed his head and cried . |
When I was a child I had a Best Friend of the name September a . k . a . Autumn . I was Born in Oct . so we made her name September since her real name was Autumn . At the time I was around 6 or 7 years old and we would go sit on the fence , play in the tree 's , talk a lot , go out and play in the back yard but one thing I do know is she always had on a Nighty ( white ) and she told me she was sick . I would go to a house down the street and she was always there but nobody else was . It was empty ! She said she was waiting for her family to move in , I didn 't think anything of it as we would play down stairs in her empty room . I saw her , heard her , touched her , she was my best friend ! Looking back I know she was a ghost as my mother told me that the family down the street had a daughter that passed away and that the house was for sale . That would explain why it was empty . At that time I would go across the street where there were old grave 's and there was this lady standing yet she had no shoes on and her feet not touching land , she then sat down with me and I asked her why she was there . She then told me how much she missed her husband . She had on a long grieving dress with a veil ( She was waiting for him or something as I saw her Wait ! We talked then she walked back to the tree 's then to the wood 's without shoes on . She was waiting for him or she couldn 't let go of his death . Then there was a man in an army coat he had blood on it and told me he had gotten shot down in his plane . He told me not to be afraid of him but I kinda was . I ran down to tell my dad we ran back and the man was gone and so was the blood that fell to the floor . He was in the war and I did feel bad for him . My father believed me and told me that I was special and that things I cant figure out were just un - answerd problems ( telling me it 's Okay ) . As a child my sister and I saw a spirit of a man with a dear head at our bed 's but did not talk about it till we were grown up . We now know it was a guide . I had a Near Death Experience about 3 month 's ago saw my father Reactions : No comments : Ghost Hunting at The Manor House Hotel , West Auckland , County Durham , with Simply Ghost Nights - 6th May 2011As the team enjoyed the delights of this 3 * hotel prior to the nights paranormal activity commencing , none of us could anticipate what would happen when the spirit world would come out to play later that evening . The Manor House Hotel is truly a quintessential old hall , with a chequered history to say the least , with numerous sightings of figures dressed in clothing from a time long gone , monks are said to haunt the hotel and spectral children are also seen on a regular basis by staff and hotel guests a like . The team had experienced numerous paranormal events on our previous visit to this location and were so excited to return . After a brief chat with our ghost hunters , we attempted spirit communication in a group vigil in the Knights hall . First time ghost hunter Michael was literally shaking in his boots as we called out for any sign of spirit activity , Michael screamed as he first heard one significant tap and then two more louder taps on the table . After some K2 spikes Shelly exclaimed that she could see the fleeting footwork of some ghostly shadows in the corner of the room , Michael now stated that he would sit in the corner where the shadow movement had now been seen by more ghost hunters . Michael gamely took his seat and sat where the shadows had been seen , after a few minutes Michael screamed again , as he swore something had grabbed his neck , he ran quickly to the group swearing that he would not return to the corner by himself . As Stuart and Jan walked in the knights room , they heard the noticeable sound of footsteps behind them on the wooden dance floor , as they spun around in unison half expecting someone to be behind them , they realised no one was there they were alone in the room by themselves , and however they tried to recreate the footsteps they could not . Were these the footsteps of the lady who haunts the Knights hall , or the spirit of some former Knight , we then attempted a table tippingReactions : No comments : 23rd Apr 2011As we arrived at The Doncaster air Museum we were greeted by the ever amiable Alan , who is always the perfect host on a ghost hunting event at this great location . As the team aired their views prior to the event commencing , we could not envisage the amount paranormal activity the spirit world would provide our ghost hunters . As with all our ghost hunting events we have found that positive energy , and laughter bring out the best results from the ghostly inhabitants of any location , and again we had a group of positive ghost hunters who could have literally boiled a kettle with the energy they created . The ghostly activity actually started before the event had begun as Mark one of our fantastic team leaders walked around to hangar 21 , to set up the meet and greet room we were to hold there he apparently saw the shadowy eerie figure of a cat walk approximately five yards in front of him and then disappear as quickly as it appeared he then proceeded to look all over for the mystery sighting of this ghoulish feline but to no avail , however the phantom cat would come back later on to haunt one of our groups in a vigil in hangar 21 with frightening consequences . After the meet and greet we held a group vigil in hangar 21 , the energies in the room were at fever pitch as we all heard tapping and banging on request , and in one incident the sound of footsteps walking the corridors were heard , as Mark and Philip our intrepid investigators rushed out to investigate the corridor , they found nobody at all and no reason for the audible footsteps we all heard . As we then went our separate ways our feelings were that the nights activity was just about to take off literally , at The Doncaster Air Museum . In one vigil in hangar 21 Steve a veteran ghost hunter saw what appeared to be someone walk past a window , however when he and team leader Rosey immediately ran outside to see if it was anyone walking about , however Steve whooped with delight as he and Rosey agreed there was no where for this figure to go as it was a dead Sent in by Simply Ghost Nights Since it is warmer down in their area of the house , I walked into their living room . When you go down into that area of our house , you have to walk through an office room and there are two doorways that go from that room into two other rooms . One doorway leads into the living room and the other leads into the other kids ' bedroom ( the kids were with my dad and his wife ) . While I was sitting in the living room talking on the phone , I heard someone say " I feel great ! " ! My body froze for what felt like 10 or 15 minutes but was probably only 10 seconds . I snapped out of my trance when I heard it again and while I was trying to remain as calm as I could , inside I was freaking out . My friend asked if I was ok and I asked her to please stay on the phone with me while I checked the house . As I stood up , I heard a loud snoring sound ! I took 5 steps and then I heard " I feel great ! " again . This time , my friend on the other line heard it too and asked what that noise was , but I didn 't say anything yet . I was trying to be quiet in case somebody was in my house . I walked into the office room , and didn 't see anything that could possibly be making that sound . The second I turned by back so that I could look into the playroom , I heard " I feel great ! " right behind me ! I turned and saw my brothers ' sleep and snore Ernie doll propped up in a corner facing me . It started snoring while I was staring at it . I ran out of that room and into the main living room , slamming the door shut . About 5 minutes later , I heard Ernie say he felt great about three more times , even through the shut door . The next morning , I told my father about it and he said maybe the battery was dying or it 's motion activated but his wife tried everything she could think of and the doll was silent . Then , she pressed her fingers into its ' stomach and he announced that he felt great . I have heard that there was a child that died in our house before we lived there , and we have had previous experiences with its ' spirit and other spirits before . I 'm back again with another story it would seem , this story takes place right now . I didn 't move to Abilene Texas until December of 09 , I was moving as my relationship with my parents is sometimes not to grand and to be closer to my fiancé at the time , well for about a month we lived in Clyde but soon moved to Abilene some time in February . The place we found and rented is in an alley way and is kind of small , but big enough for us as it has 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom , it was also affordable for us at the time . Well when we moved in we didn 't have anything out of the ordinary happen , but after about a month of living there it soon became active . At the time I was very depressed about having to let my parents take my cat back with them , as he got sick at the other place and this place didn 't allow pets . Well I would be in the kitchen cleaning and out of the corner of my eyes I would see black or white shadows in the shape of cats . I didn 't really mind , it did creep me out a little , but not to much . Some times when I was sitting on the couch in the living room and my fiancé was in the other room , I would feel a cat jump upon the couch next to me and sit down , again that didn 't bother me as animal spirits bring me comfort when I 'm in a room by myself , this happened only twice . One night when we were coming home from the university he goes to , I went to put something in our room and he went to the bathroom witch was right across from our room , well when we both came out I looked over at our office and saw a grayish shadow of a little boy standing close to me and watching us , the office is also next to our room and bathroom . When I looked back at my fiancé and then back at the office the boy was gone . In my minds eye the little boy is about 6 or 7 years old , he has tannish dark colored skin with short black hair , I cant really tell what he is wearing though . A few mornings later we both woke up and heard the sound of a door slamming , however the doors in our house don 't latch right except the closet doors and the front anReactions : No comments : I 'm Sarah a normal 13 year old girl , a while back about last year , sounds daft but I went to go to the toilet . As I was on the toilet I felt a super cold draft hit me but my hair didn 't move it was like stepping in a freezer . I looked at the door it was closed then I looked up at the window it was closed . Suddenly in the mirror something caught my eye I looked at it . It was a young woman , about in her 40 's she had big glass 's on like jam jars they were like brown coloured on the outside . She had short curly hair in an updo and was dressed in pink and white like a wedding dress . I forgot what happened but it just vanished another cold shiver went down my spine . I flushed the chain and ran as fast as I could down stairs thinking something was watching me I flicked the lights of and burst the living room door open . " What 's wrong Sarah " my mam said to me as my dad looked at me I said nothing happened . as we were watching TV I was thinking about it , not wanting to tell my mam . I got my mam to walk me to my bed . About one month had past now I had told my mam and dad the other week they just thought I was stupid . I was in the shower for 10 minutes . As I got out I felt that shiver again I thought what it was I looked straight at my mirror but she wasn 't there . I flicked my hair forward then wrapped it up in a towel then stood up straight again . I froze as I seen her in the mirror again this time she was holding a big bunch of roses . I knew I wasn 't imagining it because I started to cry then she went sad . I wiped my eyes with my hand then put a towel round my body still looking at the lady in the mirror . I stepped back she smiled I gasped and ran into my room . Not wanting to see her again I let my hair dry naturally so I didn 't look in the mirror . I hadn 't seen her ever since but I think I was imagining this at night I could hear ring a ring a roses like some one was humming it . I looked around I seen a black figure at my window it looked like a little girl so I sat up and blinked it was gone ? Then I seen something black inReactions : No comments : Hello , now I want to let you know that this is a true story and I 'm not just making it up to get attention . When I was a little kid I had a dream , and in that dream I was running around on the highway with my friends ( there were no cars ) and we were all having a good time until everyone disappeared . I looked around everything was silent until I heard I frightening scream , then all of a sudden I could hear footsteps coming my way and when I tried to move my dream went completely white . Now this exact dream has happened twice in a row , when I woke up I was under my blankets . Now I was very frightened of the dark and even more frightened from the dream , I had slowly lifted my blanket up to look around , there was little looking space then I dropped it . I had seen a dark figure of some sort , it was wearing a torn dark black suit ( like a grim reapers suit ) I was very frightened . The next week I was staying over a friends house , we had all stayed up late and decided to go to bed nothing unusual had happened until midnight . I had woken up , I was laying under my friends bed because that 's where I wanted to sleep . I had a look around but I couldn 't move for some reason . I could see out under the bed and there it was , the dark figure I could see its feet and I could here it growling like it was angry . I didn 't make a noise it knew I was there then everything went white ( like in the dream ) . The very next morning I got out from under the bed and there was a patch of black fabric , I was freaking out I knew it wasn 't a dream . Nothing had happened for the next couple of months until midnight again . But this time it was a dream . I was driving with a friend of mine out into a dark forest with fog and there was an old abandoned house . The lights were on we went inside . Inside it was my family and my friends ( it must of been a party or something ) then we all herd a loud growl . We all went to the window and my friend went outside , everyone said no don 't go there . . . then he turned around and he was bleeding from his eyes and he said He 's Reactions : No comments : It was just like any other afternoon . The sun had already gone down and the nightfall had arrived . It was my friend and I at my historical , creaky , two - story house right by a yard where a school once stood . Not to mention , we lived right down the road from a funeral home . There was a lot of hidden history we could get in search for but … some things just came to us . Those creeping noises from the old wood floor that made my bones tighten and my body shiver . The weird noises , the windows crackling , door slamming " by itself , " and when the wind blows it almost sounds like soft whispers - but coming from where ? Could it be the family of four who died here in the past ? Were these assumptions coming from my head or is this real ? The conflict was I didn 't know what to believe , myself or the noises . I sat in my room with my friend ; everything was peace and quiet . There was always a thought in the back of my mind - I could just feel something bad around me like evil waiting for a seamless time to attack . Then it happened . All I heard was my friend yelp , her hand close to her shoulder like it was in some kind of pain . Immediately after I could tell whatever had happened wasn 't right - I rushed us into the bathroom , lifted up her shirt and saw the most horrifying mark . It was just us in the room . How could something smack her and leave a handprint ? I held my hand up to the print to see the difference . I discovered that hand was no hand … it was a claw . I couldn 't even say the word , still to this day I can 't . But I guess its okay to just write it down . Maybe it won 't affect " it " … or needless to say , the demon . Now the problem wasn 't to believe it or not , but can we , can I make it through this situation okay ? I knew there was no way my parents would believe this had happened . I called my sister , thinking she 's an expert on supernatural things . Maybe she could help me . With a rosary she gave me to keep me safe , I wore it around my neck constantly . There was no doubt that I was more frightened than my friReactions : 1 comment : Years ago , I was visiting at my Grandmother 's house for the weekend along with 2 of my little cousins . So it was just a regular Saturday afternoon , and the youngest , Dylan , was using the computer . He was searching for videos of demons , which I thought was creepy , even though they where just dumb and fake . Now , he was not doing this on his own . I myself have always been interested with paranormal things , and that is where he got it from . However , it is just a small interest for me . I only enjoy reading ghost stories , and frankly , would like nothing more to do with them . So anyway , he was surfing the web for said videos , and for some reason , I completely freaked out . I began running through the house yelling things like ; " QUIT WATCHING THOSE VIDEOS ! " or " SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ! " I would do something , but I was to freaked out to even be in the presence of the computer room . So I gave up and went into the spare bedroom where I usually stayed when I went to my Grandmas house . Now keep in mind that my Grandma is a very religious person , and the spare room where I was had all sorts of decorations involving religion , such as pictures of biblical events and angels , crosses , little toys that played bible verses , and figurines of angels . Anyway , I was freaking out in the side room bed when my other cousin , Autumn , came in to check on me . I didn 't say anything and she didn 't say anything , but she began walking around the room and looking at all the little trinkets . At one point , she played this little lamb that recited the 23rd Psalm , AKA The Lord is my Shepard prayer . I have never been that much of a religious person , but when the lamb was played , I felt all my fears melt away . It literally felt like a warm melting sensation . After I was over , I began saying slowly and evenly " I fear no evil " , like what the lamb said in the Psalm , over and over again . Autumn looked at me like I was crazy , and then I got up and took her hand . I led her to the little plaque on the wall that had the same prayer the lamb and began reading it flawlessReactions : No comments : I am 15 years old and I live in South Africa . As a child I would see things that would scare me and my mom would say I just had an overactive imagination until a complete stranger confirmed it . I 'm like a paranormal magnet . Wherever I go I always have some sort of encounter , but the 1st violent one happened last night . It was about 11 : 30 pm and I was unusually still awake . I began to feel my blood pressure rise which usually happens when ever a close encounter is near , but I didn 't suspect anything , because for the past 3 years I have had something sit on my bed alongside me at exactly 03 : 00 am every night . Never has it attacked , I liked to think of it as my grandmother whom I was very close to and it the time never occurred to me . But anyway the only people who were in the house at the time was my mother , my sister ( who is only 2 ) and me , and I heard footsteps in the tiled passage that runs along our bedrooms and from the sound of it the feet were bare . I then heard whispers as though this person was struggling to breath , at that moment a tremendous wind rushed through the house which was unusual because the trees outside were still . This wind was so strong it blew my hair in all different directions , now I was scared . My mothers room door began banging which shows how strong the wind was because it pushed the rusted handle of my mothers room door down . I got up to see if my mum and sis were fine but I couldn 't move my legs from the standing position another wind then blew me over and threw me on my bed . My body then became paralyzed . I couldn 't breathe . My body began burning like I was on fire and I heard laughing , I began to cry terribly in silence . I then felt like something was trying to pull my body apart and I was in excruciating pain . I then heard a voice ( a female voice , which did not sound like my mothers ) say " enough Randal , I 'm going to tell mummy " I then began to convulse and saliva poured from my mouth ( I do not have any medical condition besides asthma ) I was painfully aware of what was happening but cReactions : 3 comments : This story begins near the end of summer 2011 . The last week . Me , my mother and my sister went to England for a week to visit our cousins . We had a great time . But throughout the whole week , I felt as if I was not alone when I was . Like I was being watched but nobody else was there . The weirdest thing happened on the last night . I was sleeping my two of 3 of my cousins . One of my cousins was on the bed , the other lay beside me on a bed on the floor . We had to leave earlier in the morning to catch our flight . My cousins in my room wanted me to wake them before I left to say one final goodbye and I did . I woke them at 4 : 30 and we were leaving at 5 : 00am . I lay back down to get some more sleep . I was on the floor right next to a drawer . 2 minutes trying to get more sleep , I heard what sounded like a drawer opening very slowly . I looked up to see the drawer slightly ajar , in fact , quite open a bit . I got up and shut it . Then , a low droning sound raged throughout the house . It was not that loud , but very clear to hear . I thought surely my cousins would complain , but not a word , probably too tired . I was awake and began to get a bit scared . I heard footsteps up in there attic , back and forth , sounding like it was directly above me up the next floor . The droning continued , and someone went downstairs . Soon , they came back up , with what I think was a cup of tea , I could not see , but I think it was because as they went back into there room , the sound of a cup being placed down shivered throughout the house . The droning sound stopped for awhile after that . I was now very scared and wanting my mother to come through and say it was time to get up . The noise started again . . . then . . . a noise was coming from downstairs . Two men talking . I could not make out what they were saying , but they were talking , using a whispering tone . Mumbling . . . the problem is , there was only one male adult in the house . And the other male was upstairs . One of the voices sounded like my father , which was impossible because he was back in Scotland . The voicReactions : 3 comments : Sometimes I see things . Sometimes the vision makes absolutely no sense , until it happens and then it makes perfect sense . For instance the terrorist attacks on September 11 , I saw it before it happened , and I knew what was going to happen exactly . But other things such as car accidents , murders , and things like that , don 't make sense at the time I see it and then when it comes on the news , it 's like " that was the vision " . When I have the visions I lose consciousness for a moment , no matter when it happens , even if I am driving down the road , I just temporarily black out , and then I get nauseous for a minute and then I 'm fine . I gave up for a while on trying to harness it until recently I was sitting out on the back porch at about midnight and my dog started growling at the woods . I looked over and saw an apparition from the chest up walk about 30 yards along the edge of the woods and then turn and walk into the woods . At that time my dog whimpered and ran to the back door , and the thing turned around and looked dead at me . It had red glowing eyes . I took a picture of it on my phone so I would have proof . My family and my friend were down visiting about 3 days later , and my mom and my wife were standing on the back porch looking at the woods at about the same time and they saw two shadows going back and forth towards each other and then turn into one shadow shaped like someone hunched over running and then it ran into the ground . Well , me being the ghost hunting type , my friend and I started off by going to the edge of the woods and somewhat taunted it to come out . At the time we did not know what we were dealing with . I felt something grab my arm and at the same time something pushed on his chest and we decided it would be a good night for ghost hunting . We proceeded to go to a place called Fort Duffield , an old civil war fort , which is near Fort Knox where I am stationed . The first night was not so bad , a few strange occurrences , the car speeding up by itself , the lights in the civil war hospital were on when we took a picture but not in the picture . There was also a woman in one window that was not there when we snapped the picture . The second night may have been the most interesting night I have ever had . We went back out to Fort Duffield , and to start off , we recorded to voice records on my phone in search of EVP . The first one came back with the words " go away " three times in a row . And it wasn 't faint like many EVP 's you hear , it was plain as day . Which kind of made me worry , because if they were that determined to make themselves known , maybe they weren 't ghosts . The second EVP is what let us both know that they were in fact not ghost 's , the second contained my friends name . " hello Christopher . . . Welcome to hell . . . Ha ha ha ha ha . . . " on the way back down the 1 / 4 mile incline up to the Fort , we saw the same red eyes from the woods at home start down the hill towards us , but this time there were about fifteen sets of footsteps with him . At this time we proceeded to break land speed records to the bottom of the hill . When we arrived at the car is the last thing I remember before it wasn 't me anymore . From here is just the account of my friend and his father with whom he talked to while all of the preceding happened . Apparently I stopped running and walked slowly to the car , something no one in their right mind would do if they were scared like I was before I blacked out . The car would not start and my door would not unlock . When I finally was able to get in the car , a gust of wind blew the car as if they had caught us , and then the car started . My friend said he drove down the road exiting the place at about 60 mph and I told him to slow down so that we wouldn 't get in another wreck . ( I 've never been in a wreck , and neither has he . Hmmm . ) then I guess I started to hyperventilate and he asked if I was alright and I said that it wasn 't me . He pulled off to the side of the road and started to recite the lords prayer . Now , I 'm not religious nor is he , but apparently at this time I , or it passed out and slumped over . He leaned me back in the seat and felt for a pulse and breathing . I had neither . He said part of the lords prayer again and thumped me on the chest and I woke up and jumped out of the car , and started dry heaving in this store parking lot . He got out and came around the car , and I could still feel something in me , he touched my shoulder and asked if I was alright , and then I felt fine , but he could no longer move . I pushed him fairly hard and he snapped back out of it and ran to the car , and got in . I started for the car but stopped when I saw a black shadow - like being in the back seat . It started to lunge toward him and I yelled for him to get out of the car and as he jumped out , the thing kind of flickered into the front seat and ran out of the car and around the other side of the building . So assuming it was gone we took off . A few miles down the road I blacked out again , but he says I was still awake . He was looking for a well lit area so he pulled into a Ford dealership and got out he said he asked me / it how it felt . And it chuckled , now he said my voice matched the one on the EVP . He tried to light a cigarette but it looked at his lighter and made it go out . It picked up his saint Christopher medallion and threw it at him . And he again recited the lords prayer , but this time it didn 't work , it just laughed and I walked out into the street and was almost struck by a car . He asked what its name was and it said " legion . . . we are many . . . " sounds familiar but I don 't know where from , anyway . . . Since these events , there have been things following us . Trying to contact us , they have been messing with us and one has even tried to wreck my car . But my visions are more frequent now and I no longer black out when I see things . But obviously whatever is here that is causing this to happen is a malevolent force . I have a storage unit in Indianapolis Indiana . This place is huge . 200ft long isles and very large circumference . Since I have 24 access I just happened to be there at 3 : 00 in the morning one night ( or morning ) . I have heard knocks before but really didn 't think anything of it , but started to upon realizing I was the only one there . It started one night when I was in the restroom and in one of the stalls . I heard for a short time what sounded like a cart moving across the floor for about 5 seconds and unintelligible speech , garbled if you will . I said to myself its pretty late for someone to be here although it does happen of course . I walked out thinking to see someone there but there was nothing there . I would have heard the cart continue on down the hall if someone was pushing it . Remember , I said it stopped just outside of the restroom . I know what I heard . Something with weight moving on a cement floor like a warehouse type of sound . As I walked further down the hall I heard a knocking sound . Very unusual like I never heard before . I thought someone was still there . It was coming from the ceiling but I didn 't think much of it because there is a partial second floor . Then a week later I was there again at 3 : 00 in the morning and was in my storage unit . I sat down in my chair for a minute and dozed off and was semi awakened by a loud knocking coming from the ceiling on the other end of the building . It was coming closer and closer and I woke up . I distinctly remember sitting there awake , I wasn 't dreaming . I looked at my cell phone and it said 4 : 20AM . At this point the knocking came closer and louder to my area . Very strange , like the housing of the storage units was being twisted . No footsteps at all . I was a little scared and had my storage unit door 2 / 3rds of the way down . All of a sudden it got real quiet and then a sound of water came or like clothes being rubbed together real fast to create a brushing type sound . I thought initially that someone was bringing in sacks but it wasn 't so . Then a child 's ball hit Reactions : No comments : My whole life I have had paranormal things happen to me . When I was 4 years old I was swinging in the backyard and an old man probably in his early 80 's dressed in what seemed to be farmers clothing from an era of what seemed to be early 1900 's , approached me and began swinging next to me . Later I went into my house and told my mother about him , but she never saw anyone with me . A couple days later she was looking out the kitchen window and saw me talking to what appeared to her " thin air " . Then she noticed the swing next to me began swinging in sequence with me . This is where everything starts for me . When I was 7 years old I was having a slumber party and it was late at night and the blinds to my bedroom were open , looking in at me was something with red eyes and it was growling maliciously at me . I ran out of my room in fear and tears . . . my mother said it was probably just my imagination . Then when I was about 10 , I had just given my life to Christ , I was asleep in my bed and awoke because I felt a huge pressure on my chest like I was being held down . . . I tried screaming but nothing came out , I tried to move but felt paralyzed , when I began praying in my head was when the pressure lifted . Then growing up , I have heard my name being called by a voice that was deep and a man , I 've heard my mothers voice calling me when she wasn 't home , I 've been pushed off my front steps leading up to the house with what sounded like a loud growl , one time I was home alone and was asleep . . . woke up because I felt like I was being held down , when I finally got out of bed I went to go take a shower and saw a gigantic hand print going across my chest twice the size of my hand so I knew it wasn 't mine and I was home alone . I 've had covers taken off of me . I 've seen silhouettes of people in my doorway . I 've seen a cream colored orb looking thing by my bed . I had a dream that my aunt was going to pass away and in my dream I knew the time and what she died from , awoke at 3 : 00 am because the phone rang and my mom answered and they told her heReactions : 1 comment : I was used to have the dinner before with my boyfriend who previously worked as a security guard in a school here in Bacolod City Negros Occ . he is a stay - in security guard in the school so we spend time together for dinner before I go to the office for duty since I work as a call center agent . . he stays in a barracks or the station which was made as their sleeping quarters . he actually stays there with his elder brother and his friend who were at the same time security guard of the the school , but 3 of them has their own separate rooms . aside from the entrance to the door of the quarters the first door on spot was his elder brothers room , second was his which is about 2 meters away and adjacent to his room was his friends room . Anyways the right side of the quarters is where the rooms window faces and if you open the window you would only see tall mahogany trees and the back of the values education building which was said to be one of the hunted areas of the school . this is not actually my first experience in the barracks . I have some on my previous posts . . Well the story went this way . . My boyfriend asked me to get first to the barracks since he will still have to buy food for dinner . . it was fine for me because I was already used to the place and the dogs guarding or staying there knew me already so they wouldn 't have to bark at me when I pass by the corridor going to the barracks . as I walked to the alley going to the barracks - alone ! it came to my mind to take the short cut to get there . the hallway going to the barracks in the short cut was obviously dark only few light bulbs are lit and the school was surrounded by exactly by tall mahogany trees which the school is most surrounded of . . since I 'm not new to that place it should be that it would be just ok with me to take the path alone and never be scared . . but it was a reverse . . when I was about to take the path straight to where the point of the barracks should be , I felt cold wind was blowing , though the trees of the leaves and some plants around was not eReactions : No comments : I was raped when I was 18 and got pregnant . One day I was sitting alone at the living room watching TV when I hear a moaning sound , and the sound was so near that I can clearly hear it . . . I looked beside me and I didn 't see anything , then after a few minutes it just stopped . I didn 't tell my mom what happened and just ignored it . On my 7th or 8th month of pregnancy , I stayed in my mom 's room . I remember , there was a white cat ( not our pet ) who always come to visit me every night and just lay down beside me as if guarding me till the morning . If I hear any scratches he will wake up and start to look around and there are times I will wake up and see him lying on my stomach . My mom got pissed off because she doesn 't like cats so what she did she closed all the windows . One night it , w / a heavy rain outside . I was awakened by the sound of the wind . I was surprised when I saw the cat sitting outside the window and staring at me . . . I felt poor for the cat that I let him inside . And the whole night he was there . Just to make the story short , he was there guarding me the whole time till I gave birth to my son . After my birth , I 've never seen the cat again . The first night of my baby in the house , we were both sleeping . Then during my deep sleep , in my dreams or in my mind ( I can 't explain ) I saw a man standing in front of me ) his face is not clear . He was trying to take my baby away from me , I got so scared that I wanted to scream . Or even move but I can 't . I just closed my eyes and started to pray in my mind saying " God , please help me . And just like a blink of an eye he was gone . I got up and start screaming , calling my mom . My mom told me she will just sleep beside me w / my baby . So I slept again thinking it was just a nightmare , but it repeated again . So many times that I didn 't want to go to sleep thinking I will see him again . But my body was always feeling tired that my eyes just want to close . So many times I awakened my mom by my screams that she even thought I was going crazy . There are times when I see this man inReactions : 1 comment : There was a class reunion in high school when my boyfriend brought me with him to visit his elder brother . My duty was at 12 midnight as a call center agent so we still get at least enough time to be with each other . We took our dinner there but then I got sleepy after the meal . He noticed it as well . He asked his brother if I can sleep at the sleeping quarters in his brothers room for I would still have my duty at 12 midnight . His brother agreed and he accompanied me to his brothers room . He asked if its ok for the window to be left open and I said yes . He went back to his brother for they will get a little of the so called drinking session . . I lay with my back flat on the folding bed that acts as his brothers bed . As I stare at the open window I could only see a black color that is the color of the night . Suddenly felt tired and seems like I got a heavy feeling on my whole body . It seems like it pushes my eyes to close and my sight gets blur . I kept in control of myself though feeling uneasy I still managed to look on the surroundings of the little room with the open window . Next to that I felt a cold wind entered the room that passed from the open window . that creeped a little and I said to myself , " wala nmn sigurong magmumulto sakin dito " ( " I think no one would scare me here " . . ) after I which it seems like I cant stand the heavy feeling of my body anymore and I fell asleep . what awoke me was the voice of my boyfriends brother calling my name asking me to open the door for him for he get something in his room . I was about to clear my thoughts to check if I 'm just dreaming that I 'm hearing his voice but the heavy weight of my body still pushes me back on the bed trying not to make me get up from it , his brother still keeps the knock on the door but as I much as I want to get up the heavy weight still pushes me back on the bed . I want to open my eyes but a force seems to make it close and I felt that someone was standing at my feet looking at me . my heartbeat got faster and the chills are running more in my veinsReactions : No comments : Here is a back story of how I came to my predicament : Recently I have had an increased interested in the paranormal . I have always been interested , but more so in the last 6 months . I have found out about two ghosts in my house , Isabelle and Ted . They are very nice and friendly . Especially Isabelle , she is 7 years old , but shy . She likes to tickle my feet at night when they are out of the covers , and only then , which doesn 't bother me . They also like to open or close my laptop , dresser draws , and door when I am not in my room . Call me crazy , I don 't care . I have documentation of them . I use an old necklace as a pendulum to take to ghosts , and it works really well . I have made a Ouija board before , but I won 't mess with them again , they scare me . I get scared very easily , so I usually won 't talk to spirits unless someone is with me , plus it works better . I have also recorded some EVP 's with Isabelle . All of this was 4 months ago . When I was younger we moved to this house it was big a beautiful but very old . That 's when I was seven . I saw a ghost of what was a women with an all black dress and pretty blue like crystal eyes I saw every feature . One time I was sleep and it felt like something had kissed me in one of our other houses . I was thirteen and I was laying down . I never sleep in the dark because I see shadows . I had the light from the t . v shining in my room so I felt something on top of me and I felt arms so I grabbed the arms and tried to push it of off me but it grabbed me and slammed me back down . I tired to moved on my side and it pinched my butt and I yelled stop and let me go and it left . As a physician with a strong science background , I used to regard all things spiritual with a jaded eye - until the recent suicide of my young son , Erik . Since then , my life has been cleaved into two parts : The Before and The After , The Bliss and The Dark Despair . Everyone deals with grief differently . I heal best by journaling my thoughts in a way that helps others . So once I was able to wipe away my tears and crawl out of bed . At first , I shared my grief , pouring my broken heart onto every page . I thought my son had been ripped from my arms forever , but soon , Erik began to challenge that belief by making his presence known to friends and family through smells , touch , apparitions , conversation , and mischievous pranks . These events defied explanation . After all , science taught me that the soul does not survive death and that nonsensical notions like clairvoyance , the afterlife , and reincarnation belong to the domain of New Age freaks and unscrupulous gypsies hunched over crystal balls . My first reaction was to pour myself into hundreds of books , because not only was I determined to find out if my son was really alive in some other dimension , I needed scientific proof for it . What I discovered was no short of amazing . For one , I came to understand why I was a skeptic to begin with . Recently I helped out a friend from high school by painting some graphics in her new salon . Another former classmate had been employed to do the electrical work , and the three of us had several opportunities to catch up on the class of 1979 . The electrician and I got into a conversation one day about some activity in his building down town . He lives on the second floor of a renovated building that was built in 1915 . The building was formerly a masonic temple . He shared several events with me and being a huge Paranormal State and Ghost Hunter fan , I was intrigued . I had just watched an episode of Ghost Hunter and saw where they had used the small mini flashlight , just barely turning it off and letting the energy of the spirit turn it on . So armed with my digital camera , my mini flashlight and a few willing friends we went to the third floor of the building where the meetings had supposedly taken place . I 'm going to be a little vague with the details at this point , there will be more later , but I went upstairs to the third floor 4 times in two days and made contact . First our digital camera 's captured many bright orbs in the darkened room . Then I put the flashlight in the middle of the dark room , turned it until it went off and started asking questions , asking the spirit to turn the flashlight on if the answer was yes . What we learned was chilling . I don 't care if anyone believes me , I just want to find someone with similar experiences to help me go forward from here . I asked her if she wanted me to tell her story and she signaled yes . She said she was killed by a group of men , and they were not masons ! Which was a relief to me for some reason . However we were also aware of another organization that met up there and when I return tomorrow I will ask her directly if it was them . The first night our camera 's worked , the second night no one was able to use their cameras , when I asked if the cameras were a problem , I got an affirmative with the light . I got quick and consistent reaction with the flashlight , at one point IReactions : No comments : As usual I was sleeping in my bed that night . Apparently , the wind was also blowing . It was so strong it actually howled through the windows . But it died off minutes after . My windows were the sliding type [ I live in a flat ] and it was loose . So when wind blows , it would shake . The scary part was that the windows still shook after the wind stopped blowing . I was too tired and I didn 't have the courage to check it out . So I just snuggled in my blanket . The shaking only lasted seconds as if someone was passing through it . Then I heard a voice , I think it was female one , like a whisper . It said " If you breathe , I know that you are here . " I didn 't open my eyes . I actually held my breath . Then I heard it walk towards me on the right side of my bed . I don 't know if the sound was heels or hoofs but it walked steadily and slowly towards me . I didn 't dare to look . Then it walked away towards the other side of my bed . On the left side of my bed was the Japanese sliding wooden door [ I 'm a fan of the Japanese culture ] It kind of took up the whole wall . Anyways , whatever the thing was it walked past the front and towards the left side of my bed . Instead of hearing the hoof or heel sound , I heard it knock along the wooden door [ or it could be walking on it ] . And then it all stopped . I released my breath , and I thought to myself there is no way in the world that this could actually happen . The laundry room and my sons room are the 2 main areas in the house where stuff goes on . I have also recorded at least 5 hours of EVP throughout the house and what I have heard so far , is terrifying and also mind boggling . Before I get into that , I will give you some background info , the things that led up to my beliefs , and my investigations . I was playing hide n seek with my kids one of the first couple days living here , I decided to hide in the dark laundry room just behind the door , so as I 'm watching through the door crack at my kids trying to find me , something GROWLED in my right ear so close , I could feel the breath . I RAN out of there . I had a dog who had a cage / carrier in that same room , the cage began rapidly shaking , my fiancé ran over to make sure the dog was alright in there , the dog was sleeping with me upstairs , nowhere near the cage . I guess I should start by telling you all about myself . I 'm a witch and its been in my family for a while . I started to be interested in my family 's religion and soon got into it . This year I did my dedication ritual and changed my name ( which for my safety I will not put down ) and everything seemed alright . . . I guess . I 'm psychic and have had many experiences throughout my short life ( I 'm 14 ) with spirits and although they we 're weird , they have never been THIS weird or creepy . Before I go on , I want to tell you all that I have had vivid dreams of shadow people . . . and its like . . . they 're reaching out to me . . . calling me . " you are us and we are you " they repeat . . . weird I know . I wont go into full detail about this , but something had happened with my friend Cam and me and my friend Sam ( who is a psychic and a therian ) were trying to figure out what to do . She then came to me and said that an outside force had part in what was going on . I myself had felt like that as well . I did not believe in anything and I think that is the reason I am having so many experiences . As I am sure that you can ask any other atheist who has had their belief system flipped up side down then trampled on , that it really takes a lot to make us a true believer . I went through many stages until I was able to admit to anyone that I now believe in the paranormal . I believe that the reason it has acted so strongly with me and my family is to make me believe . I do not know why and do not think I am important in any way . Maybe the spirit just likes to get people like me and screw with them because we have such a hard time coming to terms with it . I have turned into a ghost hunter just from trying to catch what ever this is that is going on in my life some kind of proof . I am now to the point that I can care less if anyone believes me or not because I know its true and I know other people have to know its true just as well as me . But , my weirdest and creepiest EVP I had ever caught has me amazed at what these things can do . Ok , for the record I just wanted to say I never believed in this stuff until my mom had been experiencing stuff . I used to call her crazy when she told me stories until one morning I had sleep paralysis and my mom was in the next room . I called out to her in what seem like 30 minutes and she didn 't hear me . I will recall all of my most scariest moments up to the most recent today . When I lived with my family at around 19 ( now I 'm 25 ) I had my own room . My brother 's room was directly across from mine and everyone was usually out of the house by 7 am . I was almost sleeping with my eyes closed and heard feet running on my carpet . I thought it was my brother who likes to play games and when I opened my eyes to tell him to leave I saw this little blonde girl screaming , crying and begging me to help her because she said someone was following her . I am HYSTERICAL but I can 't talk or move . Then around the corner of the hallway I see a woman with long black hair in all black who felt really evil jus glide in the room . The girl screamed " stop following me ! " ran through the window ( its a one story house ) and the woman just glided behind her . Was living in California with my boyfriend in a mostly Mexican ? ranch style neighborhood . There were some Mexicans next door who would play music at all times of night . One night I woke up to turn over my pillow . You know when the pillow gets warm and you want the cold side ? yeah , so as I 'm doing this I hear a loud gunshot sound that came from the wall . I looked up and didn 't see anything so I figured it was the crazy Mexicans next door and plus music was playing . I laid back down and something told me to open my eyes . I see an old man and close my eyes . I 'm laying down thinking why is there a man in our room when the door is closed and then it hit me . I open my eyes again and there is the old man with a short fat woman standing beside him looking down on me . She was in a floral dress and he had a cowboy hat , big belt buckle and jeans . Their face were dark and I could see the outline of tReactions : No comments : Until recently , my familiarity with the name A . E . Waite was limited to his tarot deck , which my mother was fond of . Most " new age " enthusiasts know him through the tarot . I do not know his work very well . I do know that he was a kind of historian , having written numerous books related to the occult and mysticism . I remember a book owned by my mother 's friend that mentioned Waite . I cannot recall the title or author , but it was a compendium of grimoires . It highlighted the most notorious grimoires , such as , The Grand Grimoire , The Grimoire of Honorious , and Grimorium Verum . There are several versions of these books , and printed in different languages . Waite 's name is mentioned in this book as he was a harsh critic of these magical texts . He was ridiculed by his peers because he spoke out against the authenticity of these books . I want to throw my two cents in on the efficacy of these infamous books of magic . To be truthful , I have owned copies of many of the most wicked grimoires in circulation today . I use the term " wicked " somewhat tongue in cheek . It took me some time to realize that many of these books are hoaxes . I feel I can state with confidence that these ancient texts have no real magic in them whatsoever . I don 't know how I acquired the net bit of information I am about to share . It may have been through intuition , or by some other means . This story is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me - I swear ! I believe in ghosts , demons , and everything else that might be considered paranormal . So this is my story … about two years ago , my best friend , Jensen and I , including a couple of our friends decided that we are going to go to the Ravenhurst Manor in Whispering Pines , California . The place always reminded me of Amityville - True American Horror Story or the Murder House in Los Angeles . Okay , so I 'll give you the creepy backstory first on this place : With its many cemeteries , gothic mansions , billowy fog , and wooded areas , Whispering Pines , California fits the bill of a haunted town about as well as any place in America . It meets all of the criteria that tend to produce urban legends - a coastal location , a volatile past , and a potent mix of old and new world religion - can be found here . It has an extensive history of hauntings and paranormal activity that has been known to spook even the most professional of the ghost hunting community . One of the town 's most famous haunted houses is the three - story building christened , Ravenhurst Manor , which served as a school for disturbed teens in the 1800s and is said to be haunted by the ghost of its former headmistress . It is purchased in the 1960s by Maxwell Donovan who hoped to restore it , and it is then that supernatural phenomena began to occur . At one point during construction , a portion of the roof collapsed , killing three of the workers . Other builders claimed they would hear voices and footsteps whenever they are alone , and that pieces of construction equipment would often be thrown across the rooms . Even spookier , the workmen said they often spotted a Shadow Man staring at them from inside the mansion . Innumerable exorcisms and investigations have taken place at the mansion since , but the presence that haunts it is said to still remain there today . One of my friends had done some research on Ravenhurst and wanted to check it out . During my childhood , the insidious house is vacant , with barren , gnarled and terrible old trees , and long , queerly pale grass with nightmarishly misshapen weeds in the high terraced yard where birds never lingered . I hadn 't been back to my hometown in years , since I 'd went away to college and moved to San Fran . And I wasn 't that eager to go back … We had just started on Highway 101 , which leads you to the road that Ravenhurst is on when I got an eerie chill . As we are driving , everyone kept on getting this feeling like something bad is going to happen , but we wanted something scary to happen so that we would have a good story to tell . Read more » There is a voodoo - curse done on me . I 'm not sure where it originated from . Everyone in my family seems to be in on it as well as friends , acquaintances , strangers & apparently even some Cops ! I know some people will be ' close - minded ' and simply put this posting off as a person suffering from some kind of ' psychosis ' but if you stay with me , you 'll find I suffer from no ' mental illness ' . Could I hallucinate a pen fly across the room ? I was using it , then seen it fly and end up in the middle of the floor . Could I hallucinate getting hit with a shower bottle from behind as I walk past my dresser ? Could I hallucinate conversation 's where someone [ ex . my mother ] is lying to me about something I was a witness to myself ? How about getting ' revenge ' against my sister for participating in cursing me by ruining her clothes and as a result being ' locked up ' in a regular * hospital where they detain me for 72 hours to be ' under observation ' . In 3 days I see 3 ' doctors ' and on the 3rd day this is my ' first time speaking to a doctor ' . When people / patients are coming in after me and leaving before I even get spoken to . When I catch anxiety , because I 'm over 18 and being detained against my will for no reason , and decide to try and leave I get thrown down by the staff and tied up . I 'm calm I let them tie me , feeling like I 'm stuck In a horror movie except I 'm not an actor , and after letting them tie me up without a problem this lady begins to take my blood [ 3 bottles when it should be two IF anything ] . Then after that she injects me with a sedative for no reason . Then I get taken to some kind of a ' recreational room ' where I will sleep alone and am given a sandwich and put to take other pills which I take all too willingly because I 'm ' high ' off that dose the nurse had given me . [ throughout the rest of my stay 3 times they tried to get me to willingly take some pills for no apparent reason but I refused ] Then after 72 hours I get ' released ' off my parents consent ! [ I 'm 21 BTW ] How could they speak for me anyway ? ! I used the phone during be Reactions : 2 comments : I was 19 when my demon first raped me . I was traveling with a show , and I lived in a tent . The first night that it came to me , I thought tha . . . My cousin had brought a Furby a couple of years ago . At first it was an ordinary doll with a bunch of motion sensors . We used to put our fin . . . I am a twelve year old girl who uses the nickname X - ra , and I can summon things from other worlds . Some people can do this , some can not . M . . . I am a teacher . . well , I WAS . . at the age of 23 . I had a group of 10 / 11 year olds in a classroom . It was thundering outside and the rain was . . . |
Long ago there lived a King , and he had three daughters , the loveliest in all the world . He loved them so well that he built a palace for them underground , lest the rough winds should blow on them or the red sun scorch their delicate faces . A wonderful palace it was , down there underground , with fountains and courts , and lamps burning , and precious stones glittering in the light of the lamps . And the three lovely princesses grew up in that palace underground , and knew no other light but that of the coloured lanterns , and had never seen the broad world that lies open under the sun by day and under the stars by night . Indeed , they did not know that there was a world outside those glittering walls , above that shining ceiling , carved and gilded and set with precious stones . The King turned his head away and tried not to listen to them . But what could he do ? They were the loveliest princesses in the world , and when they begged him just to let them walk in the garden he could see the tears in their eyes . And after all , he thought , there were high walls to the garden . The princesses stepped out into the garden , under the blue sky , shading their eyes at first because they had never before been in the golden sunlight . Soon they were taking hands , and running this way and that along the garden paths and over the green grass , and gathering posies of shining flowers to set in their girdles and to shame their golden crowns . And the King sat and watched them with love in his eyes , and was glad to see how happy they were . And after all , he thought , what with the high walls and the soldiers standing to arms , nothing could get in to hurt them . But just as he had quieted his old heart a strong whirlwind came down out of the blue sky , tearing up trees and throwing them aside , and lifting the roofs from the houses . But it did not touch the palace roofs , shining green in the sunlight , and it plucked no trees from the garden . It raged this way and that , and then with its swift whirling arms it caught up the three lovely princesses , and carried them up into the air , over the high walls and over the heads of the guarding soldiers . For a moment the King saw them , his daughters , the three lovely princesses , spinning round and round , as if they were dancing in the sky . A moment later they were no more than little whirling specks , like dust in the sunlight . And then they were out of sight , and the King and all the maids and nurses were alone in the empty garden . The noise of the wind had gone . The soldiers did not dare to speak . The only sound in the King 's ears was the sobbing and weeping of the maids and nurses . The King called his generals , and made them send the soldiers in all directions over the country to bring back the princesses , if the whirlwind should tire and set them again upon the ground . The soldiers went to the very boundaries of the kingdom , but they came back as they went . Not one of them had seen the three lovely princesses . Then the King called together all his faithful servants , and promised a great reward to any one who should bring news of the three princesses . It was the same with the servants as with the soldiers . Far and wide they galloped out . Slowly , one by one , they rode back , with bent heads , on tired horses . Not one of them had seen the King 's daughters . Then the King called a grand council of his wise boyars and men of state . They all sat round and listened as the King told his tale and asked if one of them would not undertake the task of finding and rescuing the three princesses . " The wind has not set them down within the boundaries of my kingdom ; and now , God knows , they may be in the power of wicked men or worse . " He said he would give one of the princesses in marriage to any one who could follow where the wind went and bring his daughters back ; yes , and besides , he would make him the richest man in the kingdom . But the boyars and the wise men of state sat round in silence . He asked them one by one . They were all silent and afraid . For they were boyars and wise men of state , and not one of them would undertake to follow the whirlwind and rescue the three princesses . Now , at that time in a certain village lived a poor widow , and she had three sons , strong men , true bogatirs and men of power . All three had been born in a single night : the eldest at evening , the middle one at midnight , and the youngest just as the sky was lightening with the dawn . For this reason they were called Evening , Midnight , and Sunrise . Evening was dusky , with brown eyes and hair ; Midnight was dark , with eyes and hair as black as charcoal ; while Sunrise had hair golden as the sun , and eyes blue as morning sky . And all three were as strong as any of the strong men and mighty bogatirs who have shaken this land of Russia with their tread . As soon as the King 's word had been proclaimed in the village , the three brothers asked for their mother 's blessing , which she gave them , kissing them on the forehead and on both cheeks . Then they made ready for the journey and rode off to the capital - Evening on his horse of dusky brown , Midnight on his black horse , and Sunrise on his horse that was as white as clouds in summer . They came to the capital , and as they rode through the streets everybody stopped to look at them , and all the pretty young women waved handkerchiefs at the windows . But the three brothers looked neither to right nor left but straight before them , and they rode to the palace of the King . " May you live for many years , O King . We have come to you not for feasting but for service . Let us , O King , ride out to rescue your three princesses . " The young men rode out on their journey . A month they rode together , two months , and in the third month they came to a broad desert plain , where there were no towns , no villages , no farms , and not a human being to be seen . They rode on over the sand , through the rank grass , over the stony wastes . At last , on the other side of that desolate plain , they came to a thick forest . They found a path through the thick undergrowth , and rode along that path together into the very heart of the forest . And there , alone in the heart of the forest , they came to a hut , with a railed yard and a shed full of cattle and sheep . They called out with their strong young voices , and were answered by the lowing of the cattle , the bleating of the sheep , and the strong wind in the tops of the great trees . They rode through the railed yard and came to the hut . Evening leant from his brown horse and knocked on the window . There was no answer . They forced open the door , and found no one at all . " Well , brothers , " says Evening , " let us make ourselves at home . Let us stay here awhile . We have been riding three months . Let us rest , and then ride farther . We shall deal better with our adventure if we come to it as fresh men , and not dusty and weary from the long road . " He had scarcely lain down before there were a knocking and a rattling and a stumbling , and the door opened , and in walked a little man a yard high , with a beard seven yards long 4 flowing out behind him over both his shoulders . He looked round angrily , and saw Evening , who yawned , and sat up on the bench , and began chuckling at the sight of him . The little man screamed out , - And with that he grabbed an old crust of bread , leapt on Evening 's shoulders , and began beating him over the head . Yes , and the little fellow was so strong he beat Evening till he was half dead , and was blind in one eye and could not see out of the other . Then , when he was tired , he threw Evening under the bench , took the sheep out of the cauldron , gobbled it up in a few mouthfuls , and , when he had done , went off again into the forest . " O my brothers , I made a fire in the stove , and fell ill from the great heat in this little hut . My head ached . All day I lay senseless , and could neither boil nor roast . I thought my head would burst with the heat , and my brains fly beyond the seventh world . " Next day Sunrise went hunting with Evening , whose head was still bound up in a dishcloth , and hurting so sorely that he could hardly see . Midnight stayed at home . It was his turn to see to the dinner . Sunrise rode out on his cloud - white horse , and Evening on his dusky brown . Midnight stood in the doorway of the hut , watched them disappear among the green trees , and then set about getting the dinner . He lit the fire , but was careful not to make it too hot . Then he went into the yard , caught the very fattest of the sheep , killed it , skinned it , cleaned it , cut it up , and set it on the stove . Then , when all was ready , he lay down on the bench and rested himself . But before he had lain there long there were a knocking , a stamping , a rattling , a grumbling , and in came the little old man , one yard high , with a beard seven yards long , and without wasting words the little fellow leapt on the shoulders of the bogatir , and set to beating him and thumping him , first on one side of his head and then on the other . He gave him such a banging that he very nearly made an end of him altogether . Then the little fellow ate up the whole of the sheep in a few mouthfuls , and went off angrily into the forest , with his long white beard flowing behind him . " There never was such another stove as this , " says Midnight . " I 'd no sooner lit it than it seemed as if the whole hut were on fire . My head nearly burst . It 's aching now ; and as for your dinner , why , I 've not been able to put a hand to anything all day . " And so on the third day the two elder brothers went hunting - Midnight on his black horse , and Evening on his horse of dusky brown . Sunrise stood in the doorway of the hut , and saw them disappear under the green trees . The sun shone on his golden curls , and his blue eyes were like the sky itself . There , never was such another bogatir as he . He went into the hut and lit the stove . Then he went out into the yard , chose the best sheep he could find , killed it , skinned it , cleaned it , cut it up , and set it on the stove . He made everything ready , and then lay down on the bench . Before he had lain there very long he heard a stumping , a thumping , a knocking , a rattling , a grumbling , a rumbling . Sunrise leaped up from the bench and looked out through the window of the hut . There in the yard was the little old man , one yard high , with a beard seven yards long . He was carrying a whole haystack on his head and a great tub of water in his arms . He came into the middle of the yard , and set down his tub to water all the beasts . He set down the haystack and scattered the hay about . All the cattle and the sheep came together to eat and to drink , and the little man stood and counted them . He counted the oxen , he counted the goats , and then he counted the sheep . He counted them once , and his eyes began to flash . He counted them twice , and he began to grind his teeth . He counted them a third time , made sure that one was missing , and then he flew into a violent rage , rushed across the yard and into the hut , and gave Sunrise a terrific blow on the head . Sunrise shook his head as if a fly had settled on it . Then he jumped suddenly and caught the end of the long beard of the little old man , and set to pulling him this way and that , round and round the hut , as if his beard was a rope . Phew ! how the little man roared . He got up and went into the yard . Evening and Midnight followed him with shamed faces . But when they came to the oaken timber the little man was not there . Long ago he had torn himself free and run away into the forest . But half his beard was left , wedged in the trunk , and Sunrise pointed to that and said , - Quickly the brothers went back to the hut and ate up the sheep . Then they leapt on their horses , and rode off into the green forest , following the drops of blood that had fallen from the little man 's chin . For three days they rode through the green forest , until at last the red drops of the trail led them to a deep pit , a black hole in the earth , hidden by thick bushes and going far down into the underworld . He made a loop in the rope . His brothers kissed him on both cheeks , and he kissed them back . Then he sat in the loop , and Evening and Midnight lowered him down into the darkness . Down and down he went , swinging in the dark , till he came into a world under the world , with a light that was neither that of the sun , nor of the moon , nor of the stars . He stepped from the loop in the rope of twisted bast , and set out walking through the underworld , going whither his eyes led him , for he found no more drops of blood , nor any other traces of the little old man . He walked and walked , and came at last to a palace of copper , green and ruddy in the strange light . He went into that palace , and there came to meet him in the copper halls a maiden whose cheeks were redder than the aloe and whiter than the snow . She was the youngest daughter of the King , and the loveliest of the three princesses , who were the loveliest in all the world . Sweetly she curtsied to Sunrise , as he stood there with his golden hair and his eyes blue as the sky at morning , and sweetly she asked him , - " How could any one come here ? " said the Princess . " You have been flying over Russia . There you smelt Russian souls , and the smell is still in your nostrils , so that you think you smell them here . " " It is true , " said the snake : " I have been flying over Russia . I have flown far . Let me eat and drink , for I am both hungry and thirsty . " The Princess called Sunrise , and the bogatir rushed in , swung his glittering sword three times round his golden head , and cut off all three heads of the snake . It was like felling three oak trees at a single blow . Then he made a great fire of wood , and threw upon it the body of the snake , and , when it was burnt up , scattered the ashes over the open country . He went in there , and was met with sweet words and kindness by the second of the three lovely princesses . In that palace he killed a snake with six heads . The Princess begged him to stay ; but he told her he had yet to find her eldest sister . At that she wished him the help of God , and he left her , and went on further . He walked and walked , and came at last to a palace of gold , glittering in the light of the underworld . All happened as in the other palaces . The eldest of the three daughters of the King met him with courtesy and kindness . And he killed a snake with twelve heads and freed the Princess from her imprisonment . The Princess rejoiced , and thanked Sunrise , and set about her packing to go home . And this was the way of her packing . She went out into the broad courtyard and waved a scarlet handkerchief , and instantly the whole palace , golden and glittering , and the kingdom belonging to it , became little , little , little , till it went into a little golden egg . The Princess tied the egg in a corner of her handkerchief , and set out with Sunrise to join her sisters and go home to her father . Her sisters did their packing in the same way . The silver palace and its kingdom were packed by the second sister into a little silver egg . And when they came to the copper palace , the youngest of the three lovely princesses clapped her hands and kissed Sunrise on both his cheeks , and waved a scarlet handkerchief , and instantly the copper palace and its kingdom were packed into a little copper egg , shining ruddy and green . And so Sunrise and the three daughters of the King came to the foot of the deep hole down which he had come into the underworld . And there was the rope hanging with the loop at its end . And they sat in the loop , and Evening and Midnight pulled them up one by one , rejoicing together . Then the three brothers took , each of them , a princess with him on his horse , and they all rode together back to the old King , telling talcs and singing songs as they went . The Princess from the golden palace rode with Evening on his horse of dusky brown ; the Princess from the silver palace rode with Midnight on his horse as black as charcoal ; but the Princess from the copper palace , the youngest of them all , rode with Sunrise on his horse , white as a summer cloud . Merry was the journey through the green forest , and gladly they rode over the open plain , till they came at last to the palace of her father . " Ah me ! " says the old King , " I am old , and you young men have brought my daughters back from the very world under the world . Safer they will be if they have you to guard them , even than they were in the palace I had built for them underground . But I have only one kingdom and three daughters . " " Do not trouble about that , " laughed the three princesses , and they all rode out together into the open country , and there the princesses broke their eggs , one after the other , and there were the palaces of silver , copper , and gold , with the kingdoms belonging to them , and the cattle and the sheep and the goats . There was a kingdom for each of the brothers . Then they made a great feast , and had three weddings all together , and the old King sat with the mother of the three strong men , and men of power , the noble bogatirs , Evening , Midnight , and Sunrise , sitting at his side . Great was the feasting , loud were the songs , and the King made Sunrise his heir , so that some day he would wear his crown . But little did Sunrise think of that . He thought of nothing but the youngest Princess . And little she thought of it , for she had no eyes but for Sunrise . And merrily they lived together in the copper palace . And happily they rode together on the horse that was as white as clouds in summer . " Salt , " said Vanya . " There can 't be a story about salt . " He put the tip of his finger into the little box of salt on the table , and then he touched his tongue with his finger to taste . Once upon a time there were three brothers , and their father was a great merchant who sent his ships far over the sea , and traded here and there in countries the names of which I , being an old man , can never rightly call to mind . Well , the names of the two elder brothers do not matter , but the youngest was called Ivan the Ninny , because he was always playing and never working ; and if there was a silly thing to do , why , off he went and did it . And so , when the brothers grew up , the father sent the two elder ones off , each in a fine ship laden with gold and jewels , and rings and bracelets , and laces and silks , and sticks with little bits of silver hammered into their handles , and spoons with patterns of blue and red , and everything else you can think of that costs too much to buy . But he made Ivan the Ninny stay at home , and did not give him a ship at all . Ivan saw his brothers go sailing off over the sea on a summer morning , to make their fortunes and come back rich men ; and then , for the first time in his life , he wanted to work and do something useful . He went to his father and kissed his hand , and he kissed the hand of his little old mother , and he begged his father to give him a ship so that he could try his fortune like his brothers . So his father gave him a little ship , a little old ship , and a cargo of rags and scraps and things that were not fit for anything but to be thrown away . And he gave him a crew of ancient old sailormen who were past work ; and Ivan went on board and sailed away at sunset , like the ninny he was . And the feeble , ancient , old sailormen pulled up the ragged , dirty sails , and away they went over the sea to learn what fortune , good or bad , God had in mind for a crew of old men with a ninny for a master . The fourth day after they set sail there came a great wind over the sea . The feeble old men did the best they could with the ship ; but the old , torn sails tore from the masts , and the wind did what it pleased , and threw the little ship on an unknown island away in the middle of the sea . Then the wind dropped , and left the little ship on the beach , and Ivan the Ninny and his ancient old men , like good Russians , praising God that they were still alive . So the ancient old sailormen sat on deck with their legs crossed , and made sails out of rags , of torn scraps of old brocades , of soiled embroidered shawls , of all the rubbish that they had with them for a cargo . You never saw such sails . The tide came up and floated the ship , and they threw out anchors at bow and stern , and sat there in the sunlight , making sails and patching them and talking of the days when they were young . All this while Ivan the Ninny went walking off into the island . Now in the middle of that island was a high mountain , a high mountain it was , and so white that when he came near it Ivan the Ninny began thinking of sheepskin coats , although it was midsummer and the sun was hot in the sky . The trees were green round about , but there was nothing growing on the mountain at all . It was just a great white mountain piled up into the sky in the middle of a green island . Ivan walked a little way up the white slopes of the mountain , and then , because he felt thirsty , he thought he would let a little snow melt in his mouth . He took some in his fingers and stuffed it in . Quickly enough it came out again , I can tell you , for the mountain was not made of snow but of good Russian salt . And if you want to try what a mouthful of salt is like , you may . Ivan the Ninny did not stop to think twice . The salt was so clean and shone so brightly in the sunlight . He just turned round and ran back to the shore , and called out to his ancient old sailor - men and told them to empty everything they had on board over into the sea . Over it all went , rags and tags and rotten timbers , till the little ship was as empty as a soup bowl after supper . And then those ancient old men were set to work carrying salt from the mountain and taking it on board the little ship , and stowing it away below deck till there was not room for another grain . Ivan the Ninny would have liked to take the whole mountain , but there was not room in the little ship . And for that the ancient old sailor men thanked God , because their backs ached and their old legs were weak , and they said they would have died if they had had to carry any more . " Why , this , " says he , " is nothing but white dust , and that we can pick up for nothing . The men of my town have no need to trade with you . You must be a ninny . " Ivan grew very red , for he knew what his father used to call him . He was ashamed to say anything . So he bowed to the ground , and went away out of the palace . " Come in , " says one of the cooks . " But you must sit just there , and not put even your little finger in the way of us ; for we are the Tzar 's cooks , and we are in the middle of making ready his dinner . " And the cook put a stool in a corner out of the way , and Ivan slipped in round the door , and sat down in the corner and looked about him . There were seven cooks at least , boiling and baking , and stewing and toasting , and roasting and frying . And as for scullions , they were as thick as cockroaches , dozens of them , running to and fro , tumbling over each other , and helping the cooks . Ivan the Ninny sat on his stool , with his legs tucked under him and the bag of salt on his knees . He watched the cooks and the scullions , but he did not see them put anything in the dishes which he thought could take the place of salt . No ; the meat was without salt , the kasha was without salt , and there was no salt in the potatoes . Ivan nearly turned sick at the thought of the tastelessness of all that food . There came the moment when all the cooks and scullions ran out of the kitchen to fetch the silver platters on which to lay the dishes . Ivan slipped down from his stool , and running from stove to stove , from saucepan to frying pan , he dropped a pinch of salt , just what was wanted , no more no less , in everyone of the dishes . Then he ran back to the stool in the corner , and sat there , and watched the dishes being put on the silver platters and carried off in gold - embroidered napkins to be the dinner of the Tzar . Ivan the Ninny scratched his head and thought . He thought that if the Tzar liked it as much as all that it must be worth a fair price , so he said , " We will put the salt into bags , and for every bag of salt you must give me three bags of the same weight - one of gold , one of silver , and one of precious stones . Cheaper than that , your greatness , I could not possibly sell . " And the old men hauled up the anchor , and showed it to the Princess ; and she said it was a very good little anchor . But , of course , as soon as the anchor was up the ship began to move . One of the ancient old men bent over the tiller , and , with a fair wind behind her , the little ship slipped out of the harbor and away to the blue sea . When the Princess looked round , thinking it was time to go home , the little ship was far from land , and away in the distance she could only see the gold towers of her father 's palace , glittering like pin points in the sunlight . Her nurses and maids wrung their hands and made an outcry , and the Princess sat down on a heap of jewels , and put a handkerchief to her eyes , and cried and cried and cried . Ivan the Ninny took her hands and comforted her , and told her of the wonders of the sea that he would show her , and the wonders of the land . And she looked up at him while he talked , and his eyes were kind and hers were sweet ; and the end of it was that they were both very well content , and agreed to have a marriage feast as soon as the little ship should bring them to the home of Ivan 's father . Merry was that voyage . All day long Ivan and the Princess sat on deck and said sweet things to each other , and at twilight they sang songs , and drank tea , and told stories . As for the nurses and maids , the Princess told them to be glad ; and so they danced and clapped their hands , and ran about the ship , and teased the ancient old sailor men . And he made the ancient old sailor men give a hail in their cracked old voices . And the brothers heard them , and came on board to greet Ivan and his bride . And when they saw that she was a Tzar 's daughter , and that the very decks were heaped with precious stones , because there was no room below , they said one thing to Ivan and something else to each other . Not one of the old men had seen them , and the Princess was not on deck . In the morning they said that Ivan the Ninny must have walked overboard in his sleep . And they drew lots . The eldest brother took the Princess , and the second brother took the little ship laden with gold and silver and precious stones . And so the brothers sailed home very well content . But the Princess sat and wept all day long , looking down into the blue water . The elder brother could not comfort her , and the second brother did not try . And the ancient old sailor men muttered in their beards , and were sorry , and prayed to God to give rest to Ivan 's soul ; for although he had been a ninny , and although he had made them carry a lot of salt and other things , yet they loved him , because he knew how to talk to ancient old sailor men . But Ivan was not dead . As soon as he splashed into the water , he crammed his fur hat a little tighter on his head , and began swimming in the sea . He swam about until the sun rose , and then , not far away , he saw a floating timber log , and he swam to the log , and got astride of it , and thanked God . And he sat there on the log in the middle of the sea , twiddling his thumbs for want of something to do . The giant listened to the very end , pulling at his monstrous whiskers . Then he said , " Listen , little one . I know more of the story than you , for I can tell you that to - morrow morning your eldest brother is going to marry your Princess . But there is no need for you to take on about it . If you want to be there , I will carry you and set you down before the house in time for the wedding . And a fine wedding it is like to be , for your father thinks well of those brothers of yours bringing back all those precious stones , and silver and gold enough to buy a kingdom . " " We can 't turn back for that , " says the giant ; " we have already left your hat five hundred versts behind us . " And he rushed on , splashing through the sea . The sea was up to his armpits . He rushed on , and the sea was up to his waist . He rushed on , and before the sun had climbed to the top of the blue sky he was splashing up out of the sea with the water about his ankles . He lifted Ivan from his shoulders and set him on the ground . " Now , " says he , " little man , off you run , and you 'll be in time for the feast . But don 't you dare to boast about riding on my shoulders . If you open your mouth about that you 'll smart for it , if I have to come ten thousand thousand verses . " Ivan the Ninny thanked the giant for carrying him through the sea , promised that he would not boast , and then ran off to his father 's house . Long before he got there he heard the musicians in the courtyard playing as if they wanted to wear out their instruments before night . The wedding feast had begun , and when Ivan ran in , there , at the high board , was sitting the Princess , and beside her his eldest brother . And there were his father and mother , his second brother , and all the guests . And everyone of them was as merry as could be , except the Princess , and she was as white as the salt he had sold to her father . Suddenly the blood flushed into her cheeks . She saw Ivan in the doorway . Up she jumped at the high board , and cried out , " There , there is my true love , and not this man who sits beside me at the table . " He turned the two elder brothers out of doors , gave their ships to Ivan , married him to the Princess , and made him his heir . And the wedding feast began again , and they sent for the ancient old sailormen to take part in it . And the ancient old sailormen wept with joy when they saw Ivan and the Princess , like two sweet pigeons , sitting side by side ; yes , and they lifted their flagons with their old shaking hands , and cheered with their old cracked voices , and poured the wine down their dry old throats . There was wine enough and to spare , beer too , and mead - enough to drown a herd of cattle . And as the guests drank and grew merry and proud they set to boasting . This one bragged of his riches , that one of his wife . Another boasted of his cunning , another of his new house , another of his strength , and this one was angry because they would not let him show how he could lift the table on one hand . They all drank Ivan 's health , and he drank theirs , and in the end he could not bear to listen to their proud boasts . The words were scarcely out of his mouth before there were a tremendous trampling and a roar of a great wind . The house shook with the footsteps of the giant as he strode up . The giant bent down over the courtyard and looked in at the feast . Well , the giant did not wait to be asked twice . He lifted the barrel of wine as if it had been a little glass , and emptied it down his throat . He lifted the barrel of beer as if it had been an acorn , and emptied it after the wine . Then he lifted the barrel of mead as if it had been a very small pea , and swallowed every drop of mead that was in it . And after that he began stamping about and breaking things . Houses fell to pieces this way and that , and trees were swept flat like grass . Every step the giant took was followed by the crash of breaking timbers . Then suddenly he fell flat on his back and slept . For three days and nights he slept without waking . At last he opened his eyes . " And did that little drop of drink make me do all that ? " says the giant . " Well , well , I can well understand that a drink like that can do a bit of bragging . And after that , " says he , looking at the wrecks of houses , and all the broken things scattered about - " after that , " says he , " you can boast of me for a thousand years , and I 'll have nothing against you . " Old Peter had a sister who lived in the village not so very far away from the forest . And she had a plump daughter , and the daughter was called Nastasia , and she was married to a handsome peasant called Sergie , who had three cows , a lot of pigs , and a flock of fat geese . And one day when old Peter had gone to the village to buy tobacco and sugar and sunflower seeds , he came back in the evening , and said to the children , - " I 'll tell you , little pigeons . It 's small and red , and it 's got a bumpy head with hair on it like the fluff of a duckling . It has blue eyes , and ten fingers to its fore paws , and ten toes to its hind feet - five to each . " " Yes . Nastasia has got a little son , Aunt Sofia has got a grandson , you have got a new cousin , and I have got a new great - nephew . Think of that ! Already it 's a son , and a cousin , and a grandson , and a great - nephew , and he 's only been alive twelve hours . He lost no time in taking a position for himself . He 'll be a great man one of these days if he goes on as fast as that . " And so it was settled that Vanya and Maroosia were to go to the christening of their new cousin , who was only twelve hours old . All the next day they could think of nothing else , and early on the morning of the christening they were up and about , Maroosia seeing that Vanya had on a clean shirt , and herself putting a green ribbon in her hair . The sun shone , and the leaves on the trees were all new and bright , and the sky was pale blue through the flickering green leaves . Old Peter was up early too , harnessing the little yellow horse into the old cart . The cart was of rough wood , without springs , like a big box fixed on long larch poles between two pairs of wheels . The larch poles did instead of springs , bending and creaking , as the cart moved over the forest track . The shafts came from the front wheels upwards to the horse 's shoulders , and between the ends of them there was a tall strong hoop of wood , called a douga , which rose high over the shoulders of the horse , above his collar , and had two little bells hanging from it at the top . The wooden hoop was painted green with little red flowers . The harness was mostly of ropes , but that did not matter so long as it held together . The horse had a long tail and mane , and looked as untidy as a little boy ; but he had a green ribbon in his forelock in honour of the christening , and he could go like anything , and never got tired . When all was ready , old Peter arranged a lot of soft fresh hay in the cart for the children to sit in . Hay is the best thing in the world to sit in when you drive in a jolting Russian cart . Old Peter put in a tremendous lot , so that the horse could eat some of it while waiting in the village , and yet leave them enough to make them comfortable on the journey back . Finally , old Peter took a gun that he had spent all the evening before in cleaning , and laid it carefully in the hay . Presently Vanya and Maroosia were tucked into the hay , and old Peter climbed in with the plaited reins , and away they went along the narrow forest track , where the wheels followed the ruts and splashed through the deep holes ; for the spring was young , and the roads had not yet dried . Some of the deepest holes had a few pine branches laid in them , but that was the only road - mending that ever was done . Overhead were the tall firs and silver birches with their little pale round leaves ; and somewhere , not far away , a cuckoo was calling , while the murmur of the wild pigeons never stopped for a moment . They drove on and on through the forest , and at last came out from among the trees into the open country , a broad , flat plain stretching to the river . Far away they could see the big square sail of a boat , swelled out in the light wind , and they knew that there was the river , on the banks of which stood the village . They could see a small clump of trees , and , as they came nearer , the pale green cupolas of the white village church rising above the tops of the birches . " Why , the little river , of course , " said old Peter . " It 's always the little streams that wake first in the spring , and running down to the big river make it swell and flood and break up the ice . It 's always been so ever since the quarrel between the Vazouza and the Volga . " So the little Vazouza and the big Volga lay and slept , white and still , all through the winter . And when the spring came , the little Vazouza woke first , brisk and laughing and hurrying , and rushed away as hard as she could go towards the sea . When the Volga woke the little Vazouza was already far ahead . But the Volga did not hurry . She woke slowly and shook the ice from herself , and then came roaring after the Vazouza , a huge foaming flood of angry water . " O Volga , let me be your little sister . I will never argue with you any more . You are wiser than I and stronger than I . Only take me by the hand and bring me with you to the sea . " And the Volga forgave the little Vazouza , and took her by the hand and brought her safely to the sea . And they have never quarrelled again . But all the same , it is always the little Vazouza that gets up first in the spring , and tugs at the white blankets of ice and snow , and wakes her big sister from her winter sleep . They drove on over the flat open country , with no hedges , but only ditches to drain off the floods , and very often not even ditches to divide one field from another . And huge crows , with gray hoods and shawls , pecked about in the grass at the roadside or flew heavily in the sunshine . They passed a little girl with a flock of geese , and another little girl lying in the grass holding a long rope which was fastened to the horns of a brown cow . And the little girl lay on her face and slept among the flowers , while the cow walked slowly round her , step by step , chewing the grass and thinking about nothing at all . The road ran right through the village . On either side of it were little wooden huts . The ends of the timbers crossed outside at the four corners of the huts . They fitted neatly into each other , and some of them were carved . And there were no slates or tiles on the roofs , but little thin slips of wood overlapping each other . There was not a single stone hut or cottage in the village . Only the church was partly brick , whitewashed , with bright green cupolas up in the air , and thin gold crosses on the tops of the cupolas , shining in the clear sky . Outside the church were rows of short posts , with long rough fir timbers nailed on the top of them , to which the country people tied their horses when they came to church . There were several carts there already , with bright - coloured rugs lying on the hay in them ; and the horses were eating hay or biting the logs . Always , except when the logs are quite new , you can tell the favourite places for tying up horses to them , because the timbers will have deep holes in them , where they have been gnawed away by the horses ' teeth . They bite the timbers , while their masters eat sunflower seeds , not for food , but to pass the time . " Now then , " said old Peter , as he got down from the cart , tied the horse , gave him an armful of hay from the cart , and lifted the children out . " Be quick . We shall be late if we don 't take care . I believe we are late already . - Good health to you , Fedor , " he said to an old peasant ; " and has the baby gone in ? " " Willingly , " said the old peasant Fedor . " How they do grow , to be sure , like young birch trees . Come along then , little pigeons . " The priest , in his silk robes , was standing before the gold and painted screen at the end of the church , and there were the basin of holy water , and old Peter 's sister , and the nurse Babka Tanya , very proud , holding the baby in a roll of white linen , and rocking it to and fro . There were coloured pictures of saints all over the screen , which stretches from one side of the church to the other . Some of the pictures were framed in gilt frames under glass , and were partly painted and partly metal . The faces and hands of the saints were painted , and their clothes were glittering silver or gold . Little lamps were burning in front of them , and candles . A Russian christening is very different from an English one . For one thing , the baby goes right into the water , not once , but three times . Babka Tanya unrolled the baby , and the priest covered its face with his hand , and down it went under the water , once , twice , and again . Then he took some of the sacred ointment on his finger and anointed the baby 's forehead , and feet , and hands , and little round stomach . Then , with a pair of scissors , he cut a little pinch of fluff from the baby 's head , and rolled it into a pellet with the ointment , and threw the pellet into the holy water . And after that the baby was carried solemnly three times round the holy water . The priest blessed it and prayed for it ; and there it was , a little true Russian , ready to be carried back to its mother , Nastasia , who lay at home in her cottage waiting for it . Nastasia smiled at Vanya and Maroosia ; but they had no eyes except for the baby , and for all that belonged to it , especially its cradle . Now a Russian baby has a very much finer cradle than an English baby . A long fir pole is fastened in the middle and at one end to the beams in the ceiling of the hut , so that the other end swings free , just below the rafters . From this end is hung a big basket , and on the ropes by which the basket hangs are fastened shawls of bright colours . The baby is tucked in the basket , the shawls closed round it ; and as the mother or the nurse sits at her spinning , she just kicks the basket gently now and again , and it swings up and down from the end of the pole , as if it were hung from the branch of a tree . This baby had a fine new basket and a larch pole , newly fixed , white and shining , under the dark beams of the ceiling . It had presents besides old Peter 's gun . It had a fine wooden spoon with a picture on it of a cottage and a fish . It had a wooden bowl and a painted mug , bought from one of the peddling barges that go up and down the rivers selling chairs and crockery , just like the caravans that travel our English roads . And also , although it was so young , it had a little sacred picture , made of metal , a picture of St . Nikolai ; because this was St . Nikolai 's day , and the baby was called Nikolai . And everybody ate and drank and talked as if they were never going to stop . The sun was warm , and presently the men went outside and sat on a log , leaning their backs against the wall of the hut and making cigarettes and smoking , or eating sunflower seeds , cracking the husks with their teeth , taking out the white kernels , and blowing the husks away . And the women sat in the hut , and now and then brought out glasses of hot tea to the men , and then went back again to talk of what a fine man the baby would be , and to remember other babies . And the old women looked at the young mothers and laughed , and said that they could remember the days when they were christened - when they were babies themselves , no bigger than the little Nikolai who swung in the basket and squalled , or slept proudly , just as if he knew that all the world belonged to him because he was so very young . And Vanya and Maroosia ate sunflower seeds too , and sometimes played outside the cottage and sometimes inside ; but mostly stood very quiet close to the swinging cradle , waiting till old Babka Tanya , the nurse , should pull the shawls a little way aside and let them see the pink , crumpled face of the little Nikolai , and the yellow fluff , just like a duckling 's , which covered his bumpy pink head . They were very much quieter on the way back than they had been when they drove to the village in the morning . And the early summer day was quiet as it came to its end . There was a corncrake rattling in the fields , and more than once they saw frogs hop out of the road as they drove by in the twilight . A hare ran before them through the dusk and disappeared . And when they came to the wooden bridge over the stream , a tall gray bird with a long beak rose up from the bank and flew slowly away , carrying his long legs , like a thin pair of crutches , straight out behind him . Mr . Crane and Miss Heron lived in a marsh five miles across from end to end . They lived there , and fed on the frogs which they caught in their long bills , and held up in the air for a moment , and then swallowed , standing on one leg . The marsh was always damp , and there were always plenty of frogs , and life went well for them , except that they saw very little company . They had no one to pass the time of day with . For Mr . Crane had built his little hut on one side of the marsh , and Miss Heron had built hers on the other . So it came into the head of Mr . Crane that it was dull work living alone . If only I were married , he thought , there would be two of us to drink our tea beside the samovar at night , and I should not spend my evenings in melancholy , thinking only of frogs . I will go to see Miss Heron , and I will offer to marry her . So off he flew to the other side of the marsh , flap , flap , with his legs hanging out behind , just as we saw him to - night . He came to the other side of the marsh , and flew down to the hut of Miss Heron . He tapped on the door with his long beak . " Of course I won 't , " said Miss Heron ; " your legs are long and ill - shaped , and your coat is short , and you fly awkwardly , and you are not even rich . You would have no dainties to feed me with . Off with you , long - bodied one , and don 't come bothering me . " " After all , " thinks she , " it is poor work living alone . And Mr . Crane , in spite of what I said about his looks , is really a handsome enough young fellow . Indeed at evening , when he stands on one leg , he is very handsome indeed . Yes , I will go and marry him . " " No , Miss Heron , " said Mr . Crane ; " I have no need of you at all . I do not wish to marry , and I would not take you for my wife even if I did . Clear out , and let me see the last of you . " He shut the door . As soon as she was gone Mr . Crane began to think , and he said to himself , " What a fool I was to be so short with Miss Heron ! It 's dull living alone . Since she wants it , I will marry her . " And he flew off after Miss Heron . He came to her hut , and told her , - As soon as he was gone Miss Heron thought , " Why didn 't I agree to marry Mr . Crane ? It 's dull alone . I will go at once and tell him I have changed my mind . 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A good day , and for the most part not much happened that was out of the normal . We got up , the girls went over to their mothers house ( Linda took them ) , and we took care of things around here . There were a couple of things that were a little different , and one of them was me going to the follow up Dr . visit , from when I was in the hospital recently . I walked in to see the doctor and she said , " So , it looks like you had a little heart attack . " My reply was , " No , I did not . It was a false positive on the test , and that is what the doctors at the VA told me . " She apologized and said she hadn 't looked closely enough at my records and said , " Oh , my I guess your heart is in pretty good shape . They didn 't find ANY blockages . Keep up the exercise and keep eating right . " Then we went over the other regular meds I take and discussed the need for me to drop a few pounds ( I 'd like to loose about 15 ) . The visit was pretty much over at that point and then I went back home , well , actually to go pick up Linda , who was shopping during this time . . . and that is the other item that happened today . Linda , as a member of the Blue Star Mothers , took on the task of putting together some " gift " baskets for some female veterans who are living in a shelter . The Blue Star Mothers are doing something to help them get back on their feet again , and Linda is helping in this way . I think it is a great thing and hope it does provide some positive lift for these women . Linda was shopping while I was at the doctor 's office , and when I was done I picked her up . Otherwise , the day was very relaxed and we all had a laid back kind of day . Jason did have a regular appointment and once he was back home we all kind of took the rest of the day off . We , Linda and I , thought about going to the movies , but decided it was better to just relax at home and watch a video - costs less that way , too . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today , has been a pretty normal , that 's the new normal , day for us . I was up pretty early today , as I was at the computer for work at 04 : 20 this morning . Other than that , it was much like any of these recent days , and I am still getting to know what it is I 'm going to be doing . Linda got up a little on the early side as well , and by the end of the day she was feeling like she had been up for most of the day , and in fact , she was . Linda took the girls to the library this morning , and that is probably one of the most fun things they all like to do . I say , " all " because Linda likes going to the library almost as much as the girls do . We have already figured out that we will need to locate the local library as soon as we can , so the girls will be able to get going there , just like here . We 've been hearing back from a bunch of our friends and they 're letting us know they intend to be at the dedication of the house . Pastor John Powell , from the church we 've been attending , will take part in Jason 's home dedication . We 've already met the new pastor , up in Fallbrook , and have attended his church a couple of times . We are wanting to make the transition as smooth and easy as possible , for all of us . Jason had a couple of appointments today , and one of those was with urology . They determined that he has yet another bladder infection , and he is , again on antibiotics for the next 10 days . Fortunately Jason is becoming quite good at catching these infections before they become too much of an issue , and they can be dealt with pretty quickly . I still get nervous when they happen , so I continue to look for ways to mitigate them as quickly as possible . Tomorrow is going to be another early day , so I 'll be needing to get to bed , myself here , pretty quick . Jason has a couple of appointments tomorrow , and I even have an appointment ( a follow up from my recent hospital stay ) . Otherwise it should be a relatively calm Wednesday . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up a little early , as I have gotten back in to that work - a - day world , and had a bunch of stuff going through my head . I did my best to not disturb Linda and simply got up and started getting ready for my day at work . At a little after 06 : 00 I came back into the bedroom and woke her , since she wanted to get up a little early , and I have a regular conference call each morning at 07 : 00 . There is so much to read and learn about this new environment , and on top of that I am enjoying it . Linda did get up and was moving before 07 : 00 , even though she didn 't get to bed , herself , until about 02 : 00 this morning . She was taking the girls to a movie showing of some kids movie , and that meant she needed to be up and ready and then also have the girls up and ready to go by about 09 : 00 , or something like that . They managed to get out and made it to the movie , because they didn 't come back for about 2 hours . Jason had a couple of appointments at Balboa , so he was out the door a little on the early side as well . I helped him get Gracie ready and then he was off . He is getting the handling of the two dogs down pretty well , and they both seem to be learning what it is they 're supposed to do . He had his appointments and he didn 't get back until almost noon - a little after the ladies came back . I had the house totally to myself for a couple of hours . I must have read through four large documents ( 20 or more pages each ) , and by the time I was done my eyes were feeling pretty tired . My head was about as full as it was going to get today , so I was kind of glad when I was finished . The great part is that we , the team , are all building a whole new organization support group , and if feels like we 're making progress . The rest of the day was kind of relaxed . We managed to get a few more things packed up , and we 'll continue to do this for as long as we can . The more we get packed now the better off we 'll be . The girls were asking why we had all these boxes , and I think they are beginning to figure it out . Tomorrow is going to be another day , with the end of the day being TACO TUESDAY ! This has become a pretty good tradition for us , so we 'll continue as long as we all enjoy it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A nice quiet and relaxing Sunday , with the whole family together - that is me , Linda , Jason , Stacy and Jackie ; Gracie and Kojak are here too , Linda started out the day at Barona Casino , with her Aunt and cousin . She got up early enough to drive back to the house and get here before we left for church , and she did make it , by a couple of minutes . The girls were particularly excited to go to church this morning , Today was the first Sunday since Vacation Bible School , and they knew there would be some sort of recognition for last week , and they weren 't disappointed . We got a few things done around the house and then a little later in the afternoon , after the girls went down for their nap , Sophia , from Serving Spoons came by . She was with her mom , and bringing us the last meal they will be delivering to us , since we 're headed to Fallbrook . They did promise to come up for a visit , but said they would not be able to make deliveries any more , since it is kind of a distance north of here . They have , for the past couple of years , been bringing one meal a month , just to give us a break from having to fix a dinner , and the food has always been very good . On top of that they like to do gourmet cooking , and it is always a nice change . We 're starting to make plans for the move to the new house , and I am hopeful that we can get everything together and packed neatly , so that the move will go smoothly . I 'll do my best to keep you up - to - date on our progress , and tomorrow I 'll post some new pictures - I 've heard from a few that I need to do that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by A most interesting day , to be sure . I first got up and out for a bike ride , and though it was only a short one , of about 13 miles , it felt good to ride a little farther , and begin to start building on it . The reason for an early start was that Linda was heading off to visit her Aunt Nini and her Cousin Debbi , and she wanted to be on the road before 09 : 00 . Then on top of that Jason wanted to get going so that he could get the dogs to their service dog training , and that is also why I needed to get back home in a reasonable amount of time . The added complexity is that we have the girls , and it would be better for me to be here , if Linda wants to get going . As it turned out , I was back home , prior to Linda leaving , and Jason also had time to get the dogs ready . As I was getting ready to take my shower , Joselyn showed up , and she was able to engage the girls , while I got ready . The reason she came over was so that we ( me , the girls and Joselyn ) could all head up to Fallbrook so that Joselyn could get a template made for Jason 's shower . The existing bench in Jason 's shower has no padding , and she is getting something made , so that Jason can have a little more comfort , while taking a shower . It turned out to be a bit of a fun trip , as the girls always enjoy seeing their future rooms , and I was able to do a little exploring of the landscape work that has been done . Afterword , we stopped for a little pizza , and then headed back to San Diego . Linda was able to get out , at about the time she wanted , and was also able to meet up with her Aunt and Cousin . She has stayed in touch , and sent me a couple of texts , as well as a couple phone calls . It sounds like they 're having a good time , so that is a good thing - She deserves a break . She will be back home tomorrow , and perhaps even early enough to go to church with me and the girls . Jason 's trip with the dogs went well , and he told me that Kojak is doing better . Kojak is already able to get along with the other dogs and the biggest challenge is still being around people . He is getting more comfortable with the immediate family , and right now his biggest fear is being around me . I guess I just look scary to him . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The work week ended on a pretty good note , with me capturing a bunch of the information , and doing my best to get it organized . If nothing else , the VA does generate a very large quantity of data and they have some enormous data bases . I guess that 's why they contract out some of the work to folks like me and our team , to help them figure it all out . Anyway , we 're all starting to get to know each other and that is the first step in getting better coordinated in our efforts . The Vacation Bible School , that Linda and the girls have been attending is now over , and I think the girls are going to miss it . Both of them were singing songs they had learned and they seemed a little sad that it was over . I think Linda had a good time , too , and that she is going to miss it a little . Not sure what we 're going to be doing next year , as we will be living up in Fallbrook , so that means we will be getting to know the Fallbrook Presbyterian Church family . Jason took Gracie to be cleaned and groomed at the dog groomers , and she looks great ! Jason is thinking that he may make this a regular monthly task , as he likes the way she looks after . Kojak isn 't quite ready for the groomers yet , as he is just now starting to get comfortable being around us . He still looks for ways of getting in trouble , like any new puppy , but he is starting to show his personality more , and he is a friendly kind of dog . Tomorrow I will be heading up to Fallbrook , to take Linda 's Purple Heart Rose bush , up , so the landscaper can find a place to plant it . I think they already have a location scoped out , and just want to be sure it will work there . To do that they need the real plant . Linda will be going off to visit with her aunt and cousin , whom she hasn 't seen in a few years . She will be gone for a full day and night , and then back home . That means I 'll be taking the girls with me , up to the house . While I 'm doing that Jason will be taking the dogs to their training session . It is good to see Jason getting both of them more into training . Anyway , that is pretty much it for the weekend , for us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive Going back to work is not as bad as I thought it was going to be . Then again , I really haven 't gotten moving into much of the " work " yet . Right now it pretty much seems that I 'm just mostly doing paperwork and getting information together , so that I can do my job . I hope that I am done with that as of today , and that starting tomorrow I can maybe take a step or two towards doing some research and data gathering for the job . Jason is doing well and continuing to improve , and the dogs are about the same . Kojak has been chewing on various items in the house , and it is driving us all nuts . This is the famous " puppy " stage all dogs go through , though Kojak seems really good at it . I guess it is better that he get some ( all ? ) of it out of his system , before we get to the new house , as that 's where most of the stuff is going to be newer , as opposed to the used stuff we have now . Linda is feeling much better and I happy ( so is she ) about that . She is helping out at the Vacation Bible School , all this week , and she stays pretty busy there . I know it is no fun trying to keep up with a bunch of youngsters when you 're not feeling anywhere near your best . We 've only been at this church for a couple of years now , but it seems like we 're starting to get to know the people . Not much else going on right now , so I 'll be signing off . I do look forward to getting back on the bike , so I need to start working on finding some time to do that again . First things first , I plan to go on line to research a reliable heart monitor and purchase one so I can get out on my bike again next week . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a pretty good day , for me - I got up relatively early , to get ready for my first day at work . I started with a 07 : 00 conference call , of new hire orientation . There were several people on the call , and it sounds like they are going to be growing even more , over the next several weeks ( months ? ) . I like all that they had to say , and their benefits are perfect for Linda and I . I do believe this is going to be a good way to get back into the working world . Linda , got up with me , and took care of a few other things , as well as got ready for the girls coming back , this morning . She was still feeling a little under the weather , and her tummy was a little out of sorts . She was needing to get ready for Vacation Bible School , and the girls were very much looking forward to it . By the end of the day she was noticeably better , and I think the continued moving around had something to do with , though I don 't think she would have rather been able to just sit and relax a little more . Jason had his appointments at the hospital ( Balboa ) , so he took the dogs with him , and I was at the house , for a few hours , totally on my own . I managed to get most of the paper work completed , and will have it back to them , via pdf , tomorrow . Then package it all and mail it to them , so they have the originals . Linda and the girls got back home , from VBS , a little after noon , and I came down to fix myself some lunch . Linda was also working on lunch for the girls , so I decided to get Jason 's lunch for him . Linda was looking pretty tired , so I wanted to give her a little break - I think it helped . After lunch I headed out to get a " witness " signature , for one of the documents , and it ended up taking me longer to find parking , than it did to get the signature . Once I was done I headed back to the house , and went back up to my " office " to do some reading . That was pretty much how the day went , until dinner , and Linda did spaghetti , with the turkey meat . It came out really good , but then again , she used fresh mushrooms , and I love fresh mushrooms . Not much more happened tonight , other than Jason 's wound dressing change and the girls bed time story . I took care of the dressings and Linda took care of getting the girls to bed . Once that was done we got a chance to just relax a little , and finally call it a day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another rainy day , down here in San Diego . It rained most of the day , and again the roads were very wet . The good part about today is that we spent virtually all day inside and didn 't go out , other than to take a look at the rain , for a little while . Linda was feeling a little ill this morning and it drug on well into the day and then the evening . She thinks she might have eaten something that didn 't sit well with her tummy , so for the most part just stayed down . She did get up a few time to take care of some chores , and then I 'd have to ask her to sit back down . I think she was feeling better by the end of the day , and I hope tomorrow is a good day for her . Speaking of tomorrow - I start my new job tomorrow , and I 'm looking forward to getting things going again . I will have to get going bright and early , and then get into the tasks at hand . I look forward to all of this , and to be honest , I am very excited to be working again . Right now I need to get to bed , so that I manage to get up in time for the orientation . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was an amazingly wet day . We had thunderstorms and a bunch of lightening , with probably close to 2 inches of rain - cause some flooding , but not too much . The down side was that the power was knocked off for probably 10 hours . No loss of food , as we kept the refrigerator and freezer closed for the majority of the day . The rain was so good to see , just wish it had been high up in the hills , where it could have flowed into the reservoirs . The day started with listening to thunder and watching lightening . Shortly after getting up , about 06 : 00 , this morning , the power went out . We still managed to get a nice breakfast together , Cheerios , and then about 08 : 00 , Linda and I went to meet Loretta and Ivona , from Blue Star Mothers . We were all going to the San Diego Stand Down . This event is for helping vets who have fallen out of society , due to various challenges , to get back on their feet and start feeling better about themselves . This was a wonderful experience for me , and I think Linda too , as we learned about some of the things being made available to these people , and just seeing so many of them there . The only part that was a little difficult was the weather . The rain started again , at about noon and really got going . We went and had lunch with Loretta and Ivona , and then headed on back home . Jason was still home and we wanted to be sure he was dong alright . When we got home we found out that the power had actually come back on for a couple hours and as Jason was attempting to fix himself some lunch when it went out again . We helped him fix his lunch and then started looking at some of the other things around the house . I had received a package from LongView , where I will be startin work on Monday . It was my new laptop and some other things , so to say the least , I 'm pretty happy about how this is playing out . This was Kojak 's first experience with rain , so he was having a wonderful time playing in the backyard , when he decided to come back in to the house . He was a muddy mess and proceeded to get mud everywhere . I had laid down to take a nap , so I missed most of it , and Linda did all the work cleaning things up and helping Jason get Kojak cleaned up . This evening , Linda , Jason and I went up to see Huge and Julie Keener , friends from Livermore ; who came down to take care of some personal issues and to visit . We met up with them and went over to see the Jason 's new house , and then go have some dinner . It was a wonderful visit and we were able to go through the entire house . As it was , Mike , from MLA Construction , showed up a few minutes after we got there , and so it was an even better visit . Mike , and his wife ( she was there also ) walked around and were right there to answer questions . The house really looks great , and about the only things left to do are some of the electronics that help to make this a Smart Home . We went to dinner after the house visit , and Jason requested that we go to Chinese , and so we did . I think it was the second or third time for us to have eaten at this restaurant near Jason 's new home , and we were all very pleased . The drive home was uneventful , just the way I like them . It was good seeing Huge and Julie , and visiting about some of the things going on back up in Livermore . We dropped them off at their hotel and then drove on back to the house here . The power has been restored and so Linda is getting some of the things done , that need power , and I got to work on my email and this blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kind of a nice day to help get back in to the swing of things . One of the first things Linda and I had to do , besides some clean up around the house , was to go to Costco . We really didn 't need to buy too much , just that what we needed , we really needed . This morning , after breakfast , we took the dogs to the vet , for some shots and medical needs . Mr . Jingles was also taken in , as he has gotten very sick . It was decided that he would be put down , so we all said our good - byes and Mr . Jingles is no longer with us . Jason knew this was coming , and recognized the quality of life had really deteriorated , so it had to be done . He was with us for about four years , so we think he was about four and a half and we were told most rats don 't make it beyond five years . Linda did most of the heavy lifting around here as I have been told not to exert any thing greater than 5 lbs . on my right hand and wrist for a few days . It is where they went in and did the angiogram and they don 't want me to do too much until it has some time to heal . One of the reasons we went to Costco was so we could buy some of the items needed for Jason 's soup . He gave us a list and we did our best to get all he asked for . When we got home Linda volunteered to make the soup , under Jason 's supervision and it came out great . Jason had his regular shower and I did the dressing change , and I 'm happy to say that the healing continues . As long as this trend continues he should be in pretty good shape by the time we get to the new house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First , we had decided to take the girls ( Stacy and Jackie ) to go see the movie RIO - 2 - as it was part of the theater 's summer program for kids , and because it was only a dollar per person . Before going though , we ( Linda and I ) decided we wanted to get some exercise in first , so she jumped on to her elliptical , and I went over to the gym ( there wasn 't enough time to go for a good bike ride ) . As a result of the short time window , I kind of pushed myself a little harder and apparently that caused a bit of a chain reaction . After exercising , I felt like my chest was really congested and tight , so I just sat down for a little while ( 15 min ? ) and then went up to take a shower . By the time I was done with the shower and had gotten dressed I was feeling a little better , so we loaded the girls up in the car and we went to the movie . We got to our seats , and I was still feeling like a had had a good workout . We sat through the movie and by the end of the movie I was feeling much better . . . then we walked back to the car . By the time we got back to the car ( my guess is that it was about 50 meters of walking distance ) I was totally out of breath and again my chest was tight . I told Linda that I needed to call the help nurse at the VA and see what she recommended . After describing all this to her she said I needed to get myself down to the ER and not to wait around . Linda took me down to the VA Hospital , ER , and dropped me off . She still needed to take care of the girls , and I didn 't feel comfortable with them just sitting around the hospital . Linda took the girls back home , as as it turned out , they went over to their mother 's house . After a couple of tests and exams , it was decided that I had experienced a heart attack , and I should be admitted to the hospital for observation , and more tests . I ended up in the ICU , as no other beds were available ( it worked out good for me ) . I had more blood tests done and more exams , and then they decided the next best coarse of action was to perform an angiogram , so that they could potentially fix whatever issues found . This was to be done on the next day ( yesterday , the 15th ) . The next day I was wheeled over to the procedure room and had the angiogram done , and when they were finished I went back to my room . A few hours later two of the cardiologists came and spoke with me , and told me that they found no damage , and in fact , my heart was in amazing shape and that the arteries were in great shape . I had not had a heart attack ! This was great news , and it made Linda and I feel much better , as well as David and Miriam , who had come down to be with us . It was very nice to have them there for multiple reasons , and I am very happy they came . Jason also came by , for a short visit , and he brought the dogs with him . They allowed the dogs in , because they 're service dogs . Anyway , I was now cleared , though I still had to spend another night in the hospital , before they could release me . Fortunately , David and Miriam went home last night , otherwise I would have felt very guilty , especially since nothing was wrong . This morning , I had a couple more visits from doctors , and even some students and staff , and we all talked about the non - heart attack . Linda came at about 08 : 30 , and we just stayed and visited until all the paperwork was done , and then we went home . While waiting though , we both got on the phone and called a few friends and family , to start letting folks know that I was alright . On the way home I received a call from Long View , the company where I am going to be going to work . To let me know that everything is in place and that I will be able to begin working there on Monday , July 20 . It has turned into a really good day . One of the really cool things to happen was that Gary Sinise took the time to give me a call , just to check and see how I was doing . His call came within the minute of us walking through the door , and back into the house . People know Gary Sinise , the actor ; and , many people know him as a person who supports and cares for the military and first responders . Linda and I ( and our family ) know him on a more personal level and I can tell you he is the real deal . I have never seen another person / individual who gives so much and really asks for nothing in return . It is an honor to know him and call him friend . Bottom line - I wanted to say , " thank you ! " to everyone , for all the kindness and support , it is much appreciated . I also want to apologize for causing excessive worry for anyone who was following this little period of my life . Take care and stay positive . I am in good - - - no , great shape , and intent to continue with exercise . Its just going to be monitored more closely now . Thank you , to all for your concerns and also thank you for your continued support and all the prayers . Take care and stay positive . We continue to get closer to moving in to the new house and we continue to get more and more anxious to get it done . We are all really looking forward to the move up to Fallbrook , for multiple reasons , and the biggest reason is to allow a greater amount of independence for Jason . We are coming down to the wire here , and for those that are interested in the Buy - A - Brick , you can find the form on my FaceBook account , if you get it to the Gary Sinise Foundation by the 15th of July the brick will be placed prior to the dedication . Of course if you do make a purchase after the 15th it will still be placed around the flagpole , just after the dedication . We had a fun day with the girls and right after an appointment for Jackie , this morning we all decided to go to lunch together . Actually , it was kind of a surprise lunch from Jason , and it was kind of fun . We all hadn 't really been out to enjoy a lunch in several weeks , so this was special , and it being Jason 's idea made it even more special . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed , and we managed to get some exercise in . The Gateway Military Housing folks ( where we currently live ) decided that they wanted to paint all the fences in the neighborhood , and today was our turn . We had to keep the dogs inside while the workers were out in the backyard . It wasn 't too bad , and with Kojak finally starting to warm up to me it was a little like a family life that we normally experience . The big difference right now is that we have a bunch of extra furniture in our living room , waiting on the move ( used to be storage ) . I helped Jason with his shower and dressing change while Linda worked on dinner . His wounds are making some positive progress right now , and I 'm very pleased with the progress . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up early and by 07 : 30 I was out the door , going for a bike ride . I had not been out on my bike for any long ride in several weeks - I really needed to get out and have some head clearing time . I told Linda , before leaving ( actually , last night ) that I would probably not be going to church today and that I needed to go for a ride . She is very supportive of me and said she would take the girls to church , and that I didn 't need to worry about them getting there . Anyway , It was a very nice ride , and I managed to avoid most of the Comic - con traffic and people , as well there apparently was another activity going on , on Fiesta Island . There must have been a couple thousand people and vehicles there , with a major activity behind some fences . Despite all the additional traffic and people I still managed to have a good ride and rode almost 32 miles . I suppose I could have gone a little farther , but decided my tail bone was beginning to get a little tender and I needed to get back to the house . Linda and the girls got back to the house a little while after I did , probably about an hour and a half . I guess it would have been a fun day to go to church as well , since both Stacy and Jackie were involved with reading and performing for the congregation . Linda said everything went very well and that she was very happy with how the girls behaved . Once at home it was time to get some lunch put together and then a chance for them to take a little rest . While resting Jason and I went to the store , to pick up dinner , as well as a few other things we were low on , at the house . Jason said he needed to get out , and that is why he wanted to go to the store with me , and it also gave him a chance to get a little more socialization time for Kojak . He is getting better , and it seems he is starting to pick up on some of the ques from Gracie . Jason has identified someone who is going to be helping him do more training with the dog , and it should also help Kojak . We ended up getting the girls to bed a little later than normal , but then we 're still getting used to the extra day light . It will be like this for another couple of weeks , and then we can get back to our normal routine and time schedule . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . This was a nice day for the Ross Family , in San Diego . Jason decided that it was time to take Kojak up to Buddy Todd Park , where the service dog training takes place . Since the girls enjoy going to the park they went along , too . I drove the van , and the four of us and the two dogs fit comfortably . Linda had a meeting with the Blue Star Mothers , and so she did not come with us . The girls were all over the place , and did their best to make sure Grandpa got some exercise . The number one thing for them is the swings , and we spent probably a half an hour on them , before they wanted to go somewhere else . They were up in the trees , as well as on the climbing structures , and slides . There were at least four birthday parties going on at this same time , so there were other kids there , and Jackie made friends with another little girl . This other little girl was there with her big sister and their grandpa . We ended up staying together as a group and I got to talk with the grandpa . I guess the most interesting thing was that his name is also George , and we got along well . It was nice seeing the girls play with other kids , and the good thing was that they were all in the same general age group . We ended up staying there for almost two hours , before it was time to come home , and as it turned out there was very little training going on , and more activities focused on what they had been learning over the past several months . Jason wasn 't aware of this until we arrived , and though he really didn 't have a great deal to do , it was a good opportunity for him , Jason , to do some socializing and for the dogs to do the same . The drive home was a little slow , as Comic - con is still going on for another day , and I 'm glad it is over tomorrow . We got home and after lunch we all took a little nap . I didn 't get a long nap as I had things to do , and when Linda got home a short while later , she found me up at the computer , working on getting the printers to clear and start functioning again . Not sure what happened , but both ( we have two printers ) printers just didn 't seem to want to talk with the system . It cleared almost as strangely as it started . This evening we had salmon , rice and vegetables , and then the girls had some chocolate ice cream for their dessert . Jason woke from his nap , just a little while before dinner , and though he had dinner , he didn 't have dessert . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . One of those days where there is way too much to do , and way to little time . The good part is that of the things I had to get done , I was able to get most of them accomplished . As a result I was pretty tired by the end of the day , and ended up falling asleep on the couch , just before dinner . I only slept for about 15 minutes , so it wasn 't too bad , and I was able to have dinner with the rest of the family . The girls and I spent most of the day together , and we had a fun time . Linda had some appointments she had to take care of and Jason had his appointments . When the girls first arrived this morning I was working on some paperwork , upstairs . The paperwork is for the on - boarding process for the new job , and getting things going at the VA for my clearance . As it was , I knew both Linda and Jason were taking off at about the same time , and I needed to get over to the VA to get fingerprinted . I took the girls with me , and we had a fun time . It was the first time for both of them to be there , so it was new and exciting . We went to the fingerprint area and they were experiencing some technical issues , that were soon taken care of . Stacy learned about fingerprints and was kind of amazed at how everyone is unique . We got back to the house , after the fingerprinting was done and I discovered I had grabbed the wrong set of keys - I didn 't have a house key . We walked over to the military housing office and they had a key we could " borrow " and we were able to get back in to the house . The extra walking outside was good for all of us , and it gave the girls a chance to run a little . As it was , Linda and Jason were still gone , so we played for a little while and then I fixed them lunch . As I finished that , with the girls Jason came home and then in a little while I had the girls down for their nap . This gave me a chance to continue on the paperwork , and then Linda came home . The paperwork was finished and I felt pretty good afterward . Linda started to get some things done around the house when the girls woke up . A short time later we headed over to Target to pick up some shoes for the girls and then back to the house , and get dinner going . This is about when I sat down on the couch and drifted off to sleep . I guess I was a little tired . I woke up with Linda telling me dinner was ready , so I got up and ate dinner with the family . The rest of the day was relaxed , and about the only other exciting thing to say is that Jason 's wounds are continuing to improve , again . I just hope that continues . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Thank you , to all the well wishers out there , I had a very nice and enjoyable 63rd birthday . Linda and I were able to get out and enjoy a few hours of just the two of us and went to lunch and saw the movie , MAX . We both were very happy we chose to see that movie , as opposed to the others being offered . It is one of those very good movies that you really don 't need to go to the theater to see , as the special effects are pretty tame , compared to today 's movies . Still , I would recommend getting a copy of the movie or rent it from Netflix or whomever you might use . The house is moving along nicely , and we enjoyed seeing Jason get to be the very first person to drive up the new driveway , AND he was even able to pull into the garage . This was really cool , and we could see where the yard is coming together now . On top of all this , Jason 's wounds continue to move in the right direction , for healing . The girls come back tomorrow , for another five day visit , so we have that to look forward to as well . And it brings me another day closer to getting back to work . We are so looking forward to that day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I worked with Bobby Bryan , and we moved the " old " office desk and file cabinet ( Linda 's desk and cabinet ) from our current house up to Linda 's parents ' home , up in Lake Forest . I am so glad that Bobby was able to help with the move , as some of the furniture is heavy . I rented a U - haul truck , as it was the best way to insure the furniture wasn 't damaged during the drive . Once we delivered the office we stayed to have " breakfast " with Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess . It was actually kind of late in the morning , and it almost felt like lunch , but we all still had a typical breakfast meal , since none of us had eaten yet . We enjoyed a nice chance to have a good conversation and then we needed to get going again , as Bobby and I were now headed to the A1 storage that Linda and I have . We had two of them , and wanted to reduce it down to one . In order to get this accomplished we needed to load some things up in the truck and bring them back to the house , and put them where Linda 's desk was . As it turned out , we were able to get everything in the truck , except for what we moved into the other storage unit . That unit is pretty full , though not completely . Linda and I have been working on getting that reduced down , and we have done a good job of it , in my opinion . Once Bobby and I were done , we were both pretty tired , and he went home , while I returned the truck . Linda and Joselyn ( Bobby 's mother ) , were at the house , making sure we had room to empty the truck , and they did an excellent job . Linda is getting to be a pretty good organizer around here , and it kind of makes me wonder what we would have done , if she hadn 't been here . While all this was going on , Jason was out taking care of a couple of errands he had wanted to get done . He went to the bank , to take care of some items and then to the pet store to pick up some needed supplies . He was out for a couple of hours and was still up and about when Bobby and I got home . The rest of the day , evening really , was simply having dinner and then going to bed . We 're all tired and feel like it has been a full day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Throughout the summer the Sea World park has a fireworks show , at the end of each day . As result we have a great 4th of July like show , so when we missed it on the real 4th , it was only a minor let down . The challenge is making sure the girls get to sleep , since the display goes on after they typically go to bed . I am experiencing a rather irritating network problem , with the signal coming in and out frequently and it is making it difficult to get any work accomplished , on a consistent basis . If it doesn 't improve over the next few days we 're going to have to look for another provider or source for network supply . Because of this , this post is going to be short - Jason is doing well , and we went in to the Wound Care at the VA . The woman who is in charge of that area expressed some concern about the on going challenges of Jason 's wounds and wants to get some other departments focused on him . I 'm actually glad to see this , as it could help in getting the right attention he needs . We had a visit from Jon Monet , and we briefly talked about some of the work going on with the Cal Poly team . I guess I should provide a little more background on Jon - He worked with the CIA , and was always coming up with new items for the agents , to make there jobs a little easier . He took this and turned it into a company that he sold after 18 years . With the money he made from that he wanted to help people and started the program at Cal Poly and has been doing it ever since . I like Jon , and hope he can continue to help drive towards a solution . He talked about some of the other solutions they have done , and it all sounded very good . We will keep working at getting things lined up for Jason , and hope that a real solution can be found . Finally , Stacy went on an outing with a friend from her school - They went bowling . She was very excited to go , and then when she got back home she was just as excited to tell us all about it . This is the first " play day " that she has had , with her being gone for a specific activity , and not have Jackie along with her . She really felt like a " big " girl today . Needles to say , Jackie wasn 't happy . Grandma did manage to get her to smile and kept her on a positive , after a little encouragement . I 'm sure Jackie will have her days as well . We got home late last night , and therefore I didn 't get a post done , besides by the time I would have been able to post it would have been " today " anyway . What happened was that yesterday the girls came over , a little later than we had hoped , but it didn 't mess plans up too much . I had managed to get out on the bike early in the morning , and was back home before they came , and that was after a 22 mile ride . I rode out to Mission Beach and then around Liberty Island , and then back to the house . I chose that route because I thought the traffic was going to be lite and the ride easy . The traffic was no where near as heavy as it would be on a work day , and the weather was really nice , that 's the positive aspect of the ride . Aside from the first mile , though , there wasn 't any parking places left on the road , all the way to the beach , and then around the island . I was absolutely amazed at the sight . I was also very happy that traffic was very low , as I would have had very little escape routes open to me , should there be a need . Anyway , like I said , I got back to the house and then a few minutes later the girls showed up . We had an enjoyable day and then after the girls got up from their nap ( they refer to it as " brain - rest " ) We went over to Joselyn 's house , where we had been invited for a BBQ , swimming , and then a chance to watch the fireworks . What was really cool about this was that Jason was going to be going with us , and this would actually be his first social outing since his surgery , and I think he really wanted to get out . The BBQ was excellent , along with all the other great food that was there , including the desserts . The girls and I had fun playing in the pool . It was so nice seeing Jason interacting with people , several of them folks he had not previously met , and all went very smoothly . The one down thing was that the city ( not San Diego ) had sent out a notice that their display was going to be on , and then later sent out a second notice that it wasn 't . Unfortunately that second notice had not reached anyone at the BBQ . We all were sitting there waiting and we could actually hear and see some activity off in the distance , but none where it was supposed to be , for us . Apparently it had been stopped by a group , and we only found out after an extensive search on the net . We all loaded up back in the van and said our good - bye 's and then drove on home . It was late in the evening and by the time we had the girls in bed and the van unloaded it was late and I was very tired . I wouldn 't have changed a thing , though , as we had a great time and I think everyone else did , too . The fireworks would simply have been entertainment , and not really added a bunch to the evening except for the children . Today , we went to church with the girls and had a good time visiting with all the folks there . Jason was pretty well worn down from yesterdays visit , so he didn 't make it to church . Several of the people there were asking about him and I think we may have gotten a few more bricks sold for Jason 's flagpole . It is with sincere gratitude the response we are receiving of love and support to help be apart of the needs for Jason and his family . After coming back from church we had lunch and then we told the girls that we would take them over to a carousel and a train , to get a ride on both . They didn 't know where either of them were located so it was kind of a surprise for both of them . We got them up , after the nap and headed over to the San Diego Zoo , and right in Balboa Park , there is a carousel and a miniature train , that you can ride on . Jason stayed home , as he was sleeping again , and as far as I was concerned that was okay . When I did his dressing change this afternoon , both sides were looking better , and I was very pleased with the continued progress . After riding the train we decided to walk around , as we had not been to that part of Balboa Park before , and found that it was quite interesting . We stopped at a vendor and both girls got a small face painting done and then they both found another vendor and got to play some music with him . It was just a simple - fun day for all of us . Tonight I fixed some spaghetti for dinner and it came out quite nice . I typically , in the past , use ground beef , and today I used ground turkey . It came out very nice and I was happy with how it came out . We are getting away from red meat , as it seems to be a healthier way to go . After dinner Linda gave the girls a bath and I worked on the blog , and that was pretty much the end of the day . It has been a very busy weekend . Tomorrow , I am thinking about getting out early for a short ride , and then get busy with the day . Jason has an appointment with Wound Care , at the VA and then later we are expecting a visit from Gen ( ret . ) Jon Monet . He has made it possible for the team at Cal Poly to get things going for development of a better seating solution for Jason . Obviously we 're interested in having this happen . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been one of those very nice days , that you kind of wish all days could be like , not necessarily the same , just like . We got up a little after 07 : 00 ( yes , we actually slept in ) and Linda and I took Gracie for a 3 . 5 mile walk , around the larger block . When we came home Kojak was very concerned about where we had gone and actually greeted us at the door . Afterward we had breakfast and since Jason wanted oatmeal , that 's what I prepared . Once breakfast was over we , Linda and I , headed over to the storage units to get to working on them . We need to be completely out of the second unit by July 11 , and based on the work we accomplished today , I think we will make that date easily . Actually , by just rearranging some things and doing some better stacking we were able to " find " room in the original unit , and won 't need the second unit any more . With the new house coming together so well it doesn 't look like it will be too long before we can completely get out of the storage units , and only have to deal with stuff around the house . Also , while we were working on the units , Jason took the dogs for a walk , so Gracie got a second walk today , and this evening it is kind of showing , as she seems to just want to sleep now . Once we were done with the storage units we went to the grocery store to pick up some things , and we decided that going to Costco , today , was not a good idea , so we 'll wait until next week . There is just too much traffic out there , right now , and I simply don 't want to have to deal with it . For whatever reason , people seem to shut down that part of the brain that shows any courteousness and in some cases intelligence , during a holiday period . Tomorrow we will be heading over to Joselyn 's house , for the 4th , and enjoy a BBQ with her family . They have guaranteed a great fireworks show from the city , so we 're looking forward to it , and hope the girls will enjoy it , as they will be with us also . I do plan on getting out early tomorrow morning , and go for a bike ride , to see if I can get more than 25 miles in . My last couple of rides have been over 20 miles each , and it was very easy to do , so I see no reason to go less than 25 , for the special day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apologies for no post yesterday , but we ended up staying up late yesterday and I was just too darn tuckered out . Yesterday , I received an offer of employment , and accepted . It has been a LONG road to this happening , and both Linda and I are very happy about it finally coming to fruition . I know Jason is also happy about it , as I think he has always carried a little guilt about Dad having to give up his career to come and take care of him . Funny thing is , the last " full time " position I had was with a company who was doing some work for the V . A . ; with this new position I will be working with a new company , who also is doing some work for the V . A . A big difference is that this new company has a three year contract , so I don 't think it is going to fall apart . Jason , Linda and I are very excited about the " Buy - A - Brick " opportunity that is going on right now . For those that don 't know what it is - - Jason 's house is almost done , and one of the last things that needs to be done is the concrete work , landscaping and flag pole . The Buy - A - Brick is where you can purchase a brick with your personal message , through the Gary Sinise Foundation and it will be set in the concrete , by the Flag Pole , in the front of the house . The money donated for the brick will go directly to completing Jason 's home . For those interested , please go over to my Facebook page and you can find the order form and more information . I managed to get in a nice bike ride today , though it wasn 't a long ride . I still managed to get in 20 miles , and I guess I pushed myself a little , the ride was just over 20 miles and the duration wasn 't too bad either . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
A good day , and for the most part not much happened that was out of the normal . We got up , the girls went over to their mothers house ( Linda took them ) , and we took care of things around here . There were a couple of things that were a little different , and one of them was me going to the follow up Dr . visit , from when I was in the hospital recently . I walked in to see the doctor and she said , " So , it looks like you had a little heart attack . " My reply was , " No , I did not . It was a false positive on the test , and that is what the doctors at the VA told me . " She apologized and said she hadn 't looked closely enough at my records and said , " Oh , my I guess your heart is in pretty good shape . They didn 't find ANY blockages . Keep up the exercise and keep eating right . " Then we went over the other regular meds I take and discussed the need for me to drop a few pounds ( I 'd like to loose about 15 ) . The visit was pretty much over at that point and then I went back home , well , actually to go pick up Linda , who was shopping during this time . . . and that is the other item that happened today . Linda , as a member of the Blue Star Mothers , took on the task of putting together some " gift " baskets for some female veterans who are living in a shelter . The Blue Star Mothers are doing something to help them get back on their feet again , and Linda is helping in this way . I think it is a great thing and hope it does provide some positive lift for these women . Linda was shopping while I was at the doctor 's office , and when I was done I picked her up . Otherwise , the day was very relaxed and we all had a laid back kind of day . Jason did have a regular appointment and once he was back home we all kind of took the rest of the day off . We , Linda and I , thought about going to the movies , but decided it was better to just relax at home and watch a video - costs less that way , too . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today , has been a pretty normal , that 's the new normal , day for us . I was up pretty early today , as I was at the computer for work at 04 : 20 this morning . Other than that , it was much like any of these recent days , and I am still getting to know what it is I 'm going to be doing . Linda got up a little on the early side as well , and by the end of the day she was feeling like she had been up for most of the day , and in fact , she was . Linda took the girls to the library this morning , and that is probably one of the most fun things they all like to do . I say , " all " because Linda likes going to the library almost as much as the girls do . We have already figured out that we will need to locate the local library as soon as we can , so the girls will be able to get going there , just like here . We 've been hearing back from a bunch of our friends and they 're letting us know they intend to be at the dedication of the house . Pastor John Powell , from the church we 've been attending , will take part in Jason 's home dedication . We 've already met the new pastor , up in Fallbrook , and have attended his church a couple of times . We are wanting to make the transition as smooth and easy as possible , for all of us . Jason had a couple of appointments today , and one of those was with urology . They determined that he has yet another bladder infection , and he is , again on antibiotics for the next 10 days . Fortunately Jason is becoming quite good at catching these infections before they become too much of an issue , and they can be dealt with pretty quickly . I still get nervous when they happen , so I continue to look for ways to mitigate them as quickly as possible . Tomorrow is going to be another early day , so I 'll be needing to get to bed , myself here , pretty quick . Jason has a couple of appointments tomorrow , and I even have an appointment ( a follow up from my recent hospital stay ) . Otherwise it should be a relatively calm Wednesday . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up a little early , as I have gotten back in to that work - a - day world , and had a bunch of stuff going through my head . I did my best to not disturb Linda and simply got up and started getting ready for my day at work . At a little after 06 : 00 I came back into the bedroom and woke her , since she wanted to get up a little early , and I have a regular conference call each morning at 07 : 00 . There is so much to read and learn about this new environment , and on top of that I am enjoying it . Linda did get up and was moving before 07 : 00 , even though she didn 't get to bed , herself , until about 02 : 00 this morning . She was taking the girls to a movie showing of some kids movie , and that meant she needed to be up and ready and then also have the girls up and ready to go by about 09 : 00 , or something like that . They managed to get out and made it to the movie , because they didn 't come back for about 2 hours . Jason had a couple of appointments at Balboa , so he was out the door a little on the early side as well . I helped him get Gracie ready and then he was off . He is getting the handling of the two dogs down pretty well , and they both seem to be learning what it is they 're supposed to do . He had his appointments and he didn 't get back until almost noon - a little after the ladies came back . I had the house totally to myself for a couple of hours . I must have read through four large documents ( 20 or more pages each ) , and by the time I was done my eyes were feeling pretty tired . My head was about as full as it was going to get today , so I was kind of glad when I was finished . The great part is that we , the team , are all building a whole new organization support group , and if feels like we 're making progress . The rest of the day was kind of relaxed . We managed to get a few more things packed up , and we 'll continue to do this for as long as we can . The more we get packed now the better off we 'll be . The girls were asking why we had all these boxes , and I think they are beginning to figure it out . Tomorrow is going to be another day , with the end of the day being TACO TUESDAY ! This has become a pretty good tradition for us , so we 'll continue as long as we all enjoy it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A nice quiet and relaxing Sunday , with the whole family together - that is me , Linda , Jason , Stacy and Jackie ; Gracie and Kojak are here too , Linda started out the day at Barona Casino , with her Aunt and cousin . She got up early enough to drive back to the house and get here before we left for church , and she did make it , by a couple of minutes . The girls were particularly excited to go to church this morning , Today was the first Sunday since Vacation Bible School , and they knew there would be some sort of recognition for last week , and they weren 't disappointed . We got a few things done around the house and then a little later in the afternoon , after the girls went down for their nap , Sophia , from Serving Spoons came by . She was with her mom , and bringing us the last meal they will be delivering to us , since we 're headed to Fallbrook . They did promise to come up for a visit , but said they would not be able to make deliveries any more , since it is kind of a distance north of here . They have , for the past couple of years , been bringing one meal a month , just to give us a break from having to fix a dinner , and the food has always been very good . On top of that they like to do gourmet cooking , and it is always a nice change . We 're starting to make plans for the move to the new house , and I am hopeful that we can get everything together and packed neatly , so that the move will go smoothly . I 'll do my best to keep you up - to - date on our progress , and tomorrow I 'll post some new pictures - I 've heard from a few that I need to do that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by A most interesting day , to be sure . I first got up and out for a bike ride , and though it was only a short one , of about 13 miles , it felt good to ride a little farther , and begin to start building on it . The reason for an early start was that Linda was heading off to visit her Aunt Nini and her Cousin Debbi , and she wanted to be on the road before 09 : 00 . Then on top of that Jason wanted to get going so that he could get the dogs to their service dog training , and that is also why I needed to get back home in a reasonable amount of time . The added complexity is that we have the girls , and it would be better for me to be here , if Linda wants to get going . As it turned out , I was back home , prior to Linda leaving , and Jason also had time to get the dogs ready . As I was getting ready to take my shower , Joselyn showed up , and she was able to engage the girls , while I got ready . The reason she came over was so that we ( me , the girls and Joselyn ) could all head up to Fallbrook so that Joselyn could get a template made for Jason 's shower . The existing bench in Jason 's shower has no padding , and she is getting something made , so that Jason can have a little more comfort , while taking a shower . It turned out to be a bit of a fun trip , as the girls always enjoy seeing their future rooms , and I was able to do a little exploring of the landscape work that has been done . Afterword , we stopped for a little pizza , and then headed back to San Diego . Linda was able to get out , at about the time she wanted , and was also able to meet up with her Aunt and Cousin . She has stayed in touch , and sent me a couple of texts , as well as a couple phone calls . It sounds like they 're having a good time , so that is a good thing - She deserves a break . She will be back home tomorrow , and perhaps even early enough to go to church with me and the girls . Jason 's trip with the dogs went well , and he told me that Kojak is doing better . Kojak is already able to get along with the other dogs and the biggest challenge is still being around people . He is getting more comfortable with the immediate family , and right now his biggest fear is being around me . I guess I just look scary to him . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The work week ended on a pretty good note , with me capturing a bunch of the information , and doing my best to get it organized . If nothing else , the VA does generate a very large quantity of data and they have some enormous data bases . I guess that 's why they contract out some of the work to folks like me and our team , to help them figure it all out . Anyway , we 're all starting to get to know each other and that is the first step in getting better coordinated in our efforts . The Vacation Bible School , that Linda and the girls have been attending is now over , and I think the girls are going to miss it . Both of them were singing songs they had learned and they seemed a little sad that it was over . I think Linda had a good time , too , and that she is going to miss it a little . Not sure what we 're going to be doing next year , as we will be living up in Fallbrook , so that means we will be getting to know the Fallbrook Presbyterian Church family . Jason took Gracie to be cleaned and groomed at the dog groomers , and she looks great ! Jason is thinking that he may make this a regular monthly task , as he likes the way she looks after . Kojak isn 't quite ready for the groomers yet , as he is just now starting to get comfortable being around us . He still looks for ways of getting in trouble , like any new puppy , but he is starting to show his personality more , and he is a friendly kind of dog . Tomorrow I will be heading up to Fallbrook , to take Linda 's Purple Heart Rose bush , up , so the landscaper can find a place to plant it . I think they already have a location scoped out , and just want to be sure it will work there . To do that they need the real plant . Linda will be going off to visit with her aunt and cousin , whom she hasn 't seen in a few years . She will be gone for a full day and night , and then back home . That means I 'll be taking the girls with me , up to the house . While I 'm doing that Jason will be taking the dogs to their training session . It is good to see Jason getting both of them more into training . Anyway , that is pretty much it for the weekend , for us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive Going back to work is not as bad as I thought it was going to be . Then again , I really haven 't gotten moving into much of the " work " yet . Right now it pretty much seems that I 'm just mostly doing paperwork and getting information together , so that I can do my job . I hope that I am done with that as of today , and that starting tomorrow I can maybe take a step or two towards doing some research and data gathering for the job . Jason is doing well and continuing to improve , and the dogs are about the same . Kojak has been chewing on various items in the house , and it is driving us all nuts . This is the famous " puppy " stage all dogs go through , though Kojak seems really good at it . I guess it is better that he get some ( all ? ) of it out of his system , before we get to the new house , as that 's where most of the stuff is going to be newer , as opposed to the used stuff we have now . Linda is feeling much better and I happy ( so is she ) about that . She is helping out at the Vacation Bible School , all this week , and she stays pretty busy there . I know it is no fun trying to keep up with a bunch of youngsters when you 're not feeling anywhere near your best . We 've only been at this church for a couple of years now , but it seems like we 're starting to get to know the people . Not much else going on right now , so I 'll be signing off . I do look forward to getting back on the bike , so I need to start working on finding some time to do that again . First things first , I plan to go on line to research a reliable heart monitor and purchase one so I can get out on my bike again next week . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a pretty good day , for me - I got up relatively early , to get ready for my first day at work . I started with a 07 : 00 conference call , of new hire orientation . There were several people on the call , and it sounds like they are going to be growing even more , over the next several weeks ( months ? ) . I like all that they had to say , and their benefits are perfect for Linda and I . I do believe this is going to be a good way to get back into the working world . Linda , got up with me , and took care of a few other things , as well as got ready for the girls coming back , this morning . She was still feeling a little under the weather , and her tummy was a little out of sorts . She was needing to get ready for Vacation Bible School , and the girls were very much looking forward to it . By the end of the day she was noticeably better , and I think the continued moving around had something to do with , though I don 't think she would have rather been able to just sit and relax a little more . Jason had his appointments at the hospital ( Balboa ) , so he took the dogs with him , and I was at the house , for a few hours , totally on my own . I managed to get most of the paper work completed , and will have it back to them , via pdf , tomorrow . Then package it all and mail it to them , so they have the originals . Linda and the girls got back home , from VBS , a little after noon , and I came down to fix myself some lunch . Linda was also working on lunch for the girls , so I decided to get Jason 's lunch for him . Linda was looking pretty tired , so I wanted to give her a little break - I think it helped . After lunch I headed out to get a " witness " signature , for one of the documents , and it ended up taking me longer to find parking , than it did to get the signature . Once I was done I headed back to the house , and went back up to my " office " to do some reading . That was pretty much how the day went , until dinner , and Linda did spaghetti , with the turkey meat . It came out really good , but then again , she used fresh mushrooms , and I love fresh mushrooms . Not much more happened tonight , other than Jason 's wound dressing change and the girls bed time story . I took care of the dressings and Linda took care of getting the girls to bed . Once that was done we got a chance to just relax a little , and finally call it a day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another rainy day , down here in San Diego . It rained most of the day , and again the roads were very wet . The good part about today is that we spent virtually all day inside and didn 't go out , other than to take a look at the rain , for a little while . Linda was feeling a little ill this morning and it drug on well into the day and then the evening . She thinks she might have eaten something that didn 't sit well with her tummy , so for the most part just stayed down . She did get up a few time to take care of some chores , and then I 'd have to ask her to sit back down . I think she was feeling better by the end of the day , and I hope tomorrow is a good day for her . Speaking of tomorrow - I start my new job tomorrow , and I 'm looking forward to getting things going again . I will have to get going bright and early , and then get into the tasks at hand . I look forward to all of this , and to be honest , I am very excited to be working again . Right now I need to get to bed , so that I manage to get up in time for the orientation . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was an amazingly wet day . We had thunderstorms and a bunch of lightening , with probably close to 2 inches of rain - cause some flooding , but not too much . The down side was that the power was knocked off for probably 10 hours . No loss of food , as we kept the refrigerator and freezer closed for the majority of the day . The rain was so good to see , just wish it had been high up in the hills , where it could have flowed into the reservoirs . The day started with listening to thunder and watching lightening . Shortly after getting up , about 06 : 00 , this morning , the power went out . We still managed to get a nice breakfast together , Cheerios , and then about 08 : 00 , Linda and I went to meet Loretta and Ivona , from Blue Star Mothers . We were all going to the San Diego Stand Down . This event is for helping vets who have fallen out of society , due to various challenges , to get back on their feet and start feeling better about themselves . This was a wonderful experience for me , and I think Linda too , as we learned about some of the things being made available to these people , and just seeing so many of them there . The only part that was a little difficult was the weather . The rain started again , at about noon and really got going . We went and had lunch with Loretta and Ivona , and then headed on back home . Jason was still home and we wanted to be sure he was dong alright . When we got home we found out that the power had actually come back on for a couple hours and as Jason was attempting to fix himself some lunch when it went out again . We helped him fix his lunch and then started looking at some of the other things around the house . I had received a package from LongView , where I will be startin work on Monday . It was my new laptop and some other things , so to say the least , I 'm pretty happy about how this is playing out . This was Kojak 's first experience with rain , so he was having a wonderful time playing in the backyard , when he decided to come back in to the house . He was a muddy mess and proceeded to get mud everywhere . I had laid down to take a nap , so I missed most of it , and Linda did all the work cleaning things up and helping Jason get Kojak cleaned up . This evening , Linda , Jason and I went up to see Huge and Julie Keener , friends from Livermore ; who came down to take care of some personal issues and to visit . We met up with them and went over to see the Jason 's new house , and then go have some dinner . It was a wonderful visit and we were able to go through the entire house . As it was , Mike , from MLA Construction , showed up a few minutes after we got there , and so it was an even better visit . Mike , and his wife ( she was there also ) walked around and were right there to answer questions . The house really looks great , and about the only things left to do are some of the electronics that help to make this a Smart Home . We went to dinner after the house visit , and Jason requested that we go to Chinese , and so we did . I think it was the second or third time for us to have eaten at this restaurant near Jason 's new home , and we were all very pleased . The drive home was uneventful , just the way I like them . It was good seeing Huge and Julie , and visiting about some of the things going on back up in Livermore . We dropped them off at their hotel and then drove on back to the house here . The power has been restored and so Linda is getting some of the things done , that need power , and I got to work on my email and this blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kind of a nice day to help get back in to the swing of things . One of the first things Linda and I had to do , besides some clean up around the house , was to go to Costco . We really didn 't need to buy too much , just that what we needed , we really needed . This morning , after breakfast , we took the dogs to the vet , for some shots and medical needs . Mr . Jingles was also taken in , as he has gotten very sick . It was decided that he would be put down , so we all said our good - byes and Mr . Jingles is no longer with us . Jason knew this was coming , and recognized the quality of life had really deteriorated , so it had to be done . He was with us for about four years , so we think he was about four and a half and we were told most rats don 't make it beyond five years . Linda did most of the heavy lifting around here as I have been told not to exert any thing greater than 5 lbs . on my right hand and wrist for a few days . It is where they went in and did the angiogram and they don 't want me to do too much until it has some time to heal . One of the reasons we went to Costco was so we could buy some of the items needed for Jason 's soup . He gave us a list and we did our best to get all he asked for . When we got home Linda volunteered to make the soup , under Jason 's supervision and it came out great . Jason had his regular shower and I did the dressing change , and I 'm happy to say that the healing continues . As long as this trend continues he should be in pretty good shape by the time we get to the new house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First , we had decided to take the girls ( Stacy and Jackie ) to go see the movie RIO - 2 - as it was part of the theater 's summer program for kids , and because it was only a dollar per person . Before going though , we ( Linda and I ) decided we wanted to get some exercise in first , so she jumped on to her elliptical , and I went over to the gym ( there wasn 't enough time to go for a good bike ride ) . As a result of the short time window , I kind of pushed myself a little harder and apparently that caused a bit of a chain reaction . After exercising , I felt like my chest was really congested and tight , so I just sat down for a little while ( 15 min ? ) and then went up to take a shower . By the time I was done with the shower and had gotten dressed I was feeling a little better , so we loaded the girls up in the car and we went to the movie . We got to our seats , and I was still feeling like a had had a good workout . We sat through the movie and by the end of the movie I was feeling much better . . . then we walked back to the car . By the time we got back to the car ( my guess is that it was about 50 meters of walking distance ) I was totally out of breath and again my chest was tight . I told Linda that I needed to call the help nurse at the VA and see what she recommended . After describing all this to her she said I needed to get myself down to the ER and not to wait around . Linda took me down to the VA Hospital , ER , and dropped me off . She still needed to take care of the girls , and I didn 't feel comfortable with them just sitting around the hospital . Linda took the girls back home , as as it turned out , they went over to their mother 's house . After a couple of tests and exams , it was decided that I had experienced a heart attack , and I should be admitted to the hospital for observation , and more tests . I ended up in the ICU , as no other beds were available ( it worked out good for me ) . I had more blood tests done and more exams , and then they decided the next best coarse of action was to perform an angiogram , so that they could potentially fix whatever issues found . This was to be done on the next day ( yesterday , the 15th ) . The next day I was wheeled over to the procedure room and had the angiogram done , and when they were finished I went back to my room . A few hours later two of the cardiologists came and spoke with me , and told me that they found no damage , and in fact , my heart was in amazing shape and that the arteries were in great shape . I had not had a heart attack ! This was great news , and it made Linda and I feel much better , as well as David and Miriam , who had come down to be with us . It was very nice to have them there for multiple reasons , and I am very happy they came . Jason also came by , for a short visit , and he brought the dogs with him . They allowed the dogs in , because they 're service dogs . Anyway , I was now cleared , though I still had to spend another night in the hospital , before they could release me . Fortunately , David and Miriam went home last night , otherwise I would have felt very guilty , especially since nothing was wrong . This morning , I had a couple more visits from doctors , and even some students and staff , and we all talked about the non - heart attack . Linda came at about 08 : 30 , and we just stayed and visited until all the paperwork was done , and then we went home . While waiting though , we both got on the phone and called a few friends and family , to start letting folks know that I was alright . On the way home I received a call from Long View , the company where I am going to be going to work . To let me know that everything is in place and that I will be able to begin working there on Monday , July 20 . It has turned into a really good day . One of the really cool things to happen was that Gary Sinise took the time to give me a call , just to check and see how I was doing . His call came within the minute of us walking through the door , and back into the house . People know Gary Sinise , the actor ; and , many people know him as a person who supports and cares for the military and first responders . Linda and I ( and our family ) know him on a more personal level and I can tell you he is the real deal . I have never seen another person / individual who gives so much and really asks for nothing in return . It is an honor to know him and call him friend . Bottom line - I wanted to say , " thank you ! " to everyone , for all the kindness and support , it is much appreciated . I also want to apologize for causing excessive worry for anyone who was following this little period of my life . Take care and stay positive . I am in good - - - no , great shape , and intent to continue with exercise . Its just going to be monitored more closely now . Thank you , to all for your concerns and also thank you for your continued support and all the prayers . Take care and stay positive . We continue to get closer to moving in to the new house and we continue to get more and more anxious to get it done . We are all really looking forward to the move up to Fallbrook , for multiple reasons , and the biggest reason is to allow a greater amount of independence for Jason . We are coming down to the wire here , and for those that are interested in the Buy - A - Brick , you can find the form on my FaceBook account , if you get it to the Gary Sinise Foundation by the 15th of July the brick will be placed prior to the dedication . Of course if you do make a purchase after the 15th it will still be placed around the flagpole , just after the dedication . We had a fun day with the girls and right after an appointment for Jackie , this morning we all decided to go to lunch together . Actually , it was kind of a surprise lunch from Jason , and it was kind of fun . We all hadn 't really been out to enjoy a lunch in several weeks , so this was special , and it being Jason 's idea made it even more special . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed , and we managed to get some exercise in . The Gateway Military Housing folks ( where we currently live ) decided that they wanted to paint all the fences in the neighborhood , and today was our turn . We had to keep the dogs inside while the workers were out in the backyard . It wasn 't too bad , and with Kojak finally starting to warm up to me it was a little like a family life that we normally experience . The big difference right now is that we have a bunch of extra furniture in our living room , waiting on the move ( used to be storage ) . I helped Jason with his shower and dressing change while Linda worked on dinner . His wounds are making some positive progress right now , and I 'm very pleased with the progress . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up early and by 07 : 30 I was out the door , going for a bike ride . I had not been out on my bike for any long ride in several weeks - I really needed to get out and have some head clearing time . I told Linda , before leaving ( actually , last night ) that I would probably not be going to church today and that I needed to go for a ride . She is very supportive of me and said she would take the girls to church , and that I didn 't need to worry about them getting there . Anyway , It was a very nice ride , and I managed to avoid most of the Comic - con traffic and people , as well there apparently was another activity going on , on Fiesta Island . There must have been a couple thousand people and vehicles there , with a major activity behind some fences . Despite all the additional traffic and people I still managed to have a good ride and rode almost 32 miles . I suppose I could have gone a little farther , but decided my tail bone was beginning to get a little tender and I needed to get back to the house . Linda and the girls got back to the house a little while after I did , probably about an hour and a half . I guess it would have been a fun day to go to church as well , since both Stacy and Jackie were involved with reading and performing for the congregation . Linda said everything went very well and that she was very happy with how the girls behaved . Once at home it was time to get some lunch put together and then a chance for them to take a little rest . While resting Jason and I went to the store , to pick up dinner , as well as a few other things we were low on , at the house . Jason said he needed to get out , and that is why he wanted to go to the store with me , and it also gave him a chance to get a little more socialization time for Kojak . He is getting better , and it seems he is starting to pick up on some of the ques from Gracie . Jason has identified someone who is going to be helping him do more training with the dog , and it should also help Kojak . We ended up getting the girls to bed a little later than normal , but then we 're still getting used to the extra day light . It will be like this for another couple of weeks , and then we can get back to our normal routine and time schedule . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . This was a nice day for the Ross Family , in San Diego . Jason decided that it was time to take Kojak up to Buddy Todd Park , where the service dog training takes place . Since the girls enjoy going to the park they went along , too . I drove the van , and the four of us and the two dogs fit comfortably . Linda had a meeting with the Blue Star Mothers , and so she did not come with us . The girls were all over the place , and did their best to make sure Grandpa got some exercise . The number one thing for them is the swings , and we spent probably a half an hour on them , before they wanted to go somewhere else . They were up in the trees , as well as on the climbing structures , and slides . There were at least four birthday parties going on at this same time , so there were other kids there , and Jackie made friends with another little girl . This other little girl was there with her big sister and their grandpa . We ended up staying together as a group and I got to talk with the grandpa . I guess the most interesting thing was that his name is also George , and we got along well . It was nice seeing the girls play with other kids , and the good thing was that they were all in the same general age group . We ended up staying there for almost two hours , before it was time to come home , and as it turned out there was very little training going on , and more activities focused on what they had been learning over the past several months . Jason wasn 't aware of this until we arrived , and though he really didn 't have a great deal to do , it was a good opportunity for him , Jason , to do some socializing and for the dogs to do the same . The drive home was a little slow , as Comic - con is still going on for another day , and I 'm glad it is over tomorrow . We got home and after lunch we all took a little nap . I didn 't get a long nap as I had things to do , and when Linda got home a short while later , she found me up at the computer , working on getting the printers to clear and start functioning again . Not sure what happened , but both ( we have two printers ) printers just didn 't seem to want to talk with the system . It cleared almost as strangely as it started . This evening we had salmon , rice and vegetables , and then the girls had some chocolate ice cream for their dessert . Jason woke from his nap , just a little while before dinner , and though he had dinner , he didn 't have dessert . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . One of those days where there is way too much to do , and way to little time . The good part is that of the things I had to get done , I was able to get most of them accomplished . As a result I was pretty tired by the end of the day , and ended up falling asleep on the couch , just before dinner . I only slept for about 15 minutes , so it wasn 't too bad , and I was able to have dinner with the rest of the family . The girls and I spent most of the day together , and we had a fun time . Linda had some appointments she had to take care of and Jason had his appointments . When the girls first arrived this morning I was working on some paperwork , upstairs . The paperwork is for the on - boarding process for the new job , and getting things going at the VA for my clearance . As it was , I knew both Linda and Jason were taking off at about the same time , and I needed to get over to the VA to get fingerprinted . I took the girls with me , and we had a fun time . It was the first time for both of them to be there , so it was new and exciting . We went to the fingerprint area and they were experiencing some technical issues , that were soon taken care of . Stacy learned about fingerprints and was kind of amazed at how everyone is unique . We got back to the house , after the fingerprinting was done and I discovered I had grabbed the wrong set of keys - I didn 't have a house key . We walked over to the military housing office and they had a key we could " borrow " and we were able to get back in to the house . The extra walking outside was good for all of us , and it gave the girls a chance to run a little . As it was , Linda and Jason were still gone , so we played for a little while and then I fixed them lunch . As I finished that , with the girls Jason came home and then in a little while I had the girls down for their nap . This gave me a chance to continue on the paperwork , and then Linda came home . The paperwork was finished and I felt pretty good afterward . Linda started to get some things done around the house when the girls woke up . A short time later we headed over to Target to pick up some shoes for the girls and then back to the house , and get dinner going . This is about when I sat down on the couch and drifted off to sleep . I guess I was a little tired . I woke up with Linda telling me dinner was ready , so I got up and ate dinner with the family . The rest of the day was relaxed , and about the only other exciting thing to say is that Jason 's wounds are continuing to improve , again . I just hope that continues . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Thank you , to all the well wishers out there , I had a very nice and enjoyable 63rd birthday . Linda and I were able to get out and enjoy a few hours of just the two of us and went to lunch and saw the movie , MAX . We both were very happy we chose to see that movie , as opposed to the others being offered . It is one of those very good movies that you really don 't need to go to the theater to see , as the special effects are pretty tame , compared to today 's movies . Still , I would recommend getting a copy of the movie or rent it from Netflix or whomever you might use . The house is moving along nicely , and we enjoyed seeing Jason get to be the very first person to drive up the new driveway , AND he was even able to pull into the garage . This was really cool , and we could see where the yard is coming together now . On top of all this , Jason 's wounds continue to move in the right direction , for healing . The girls come back tomorrow , for another five day visit , so we have that to look forward to as well . And it brings me another day closer to getting back to work . We are so looking forward to that day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I worked with Bobby Bryan , and we moved the " old " office desk and file cabinet ( Linda 's desk and cabinet ) from our current house up to Linda 's parents ' home , up in Lake Forest . I am so glad that Bobby was able to help with the move , as some of the furniture is heavy . I rented a U - haul truck , as it was the best way to insure the furniture wasn 't damaged during the drive . Once we delivered the office we stayed to have " breakfast " with Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess . It was actually kind of late in the morning , and it almost felt like lunch , but we all still had a typical breakfast meal , since none of us had eaten yet . We enjoyed a nice chance to have a good conversation and then we needed to get going again , as Bobby and I were now headed to the A1 storage that Linda and I have . We had two of them , and wanted to reduce it down to one . In order to get this accomplished we needed to load some things up in the truck and bring them back to the house , and put them where Linda 's desk was . As it turned out , we were able to get everything in the truck , except for what we moved into the other storage unit . That unit is pretty full , though not completely . Linda and I have been working on getting that reduced down , and we have done a good job of it , in my opinion . Once Bobby and I were done , we were both pretty tired , and he went home , while I returned the truck . Linda and Joselyn ( Bobby 's mother ) , were at the house , making sure we had room to empty the truck , and they did an excellent job . Linda is getting to be a pretty good organizer around here , and it kind of makes me wonder what we would have done , if she hadn 't been here . While all this was going on , Jason was out taking care of a couple of errands he had wanted to get done . He went to the bank , to take care of some items and then to the pet store to pick up some needed supplies . He was out for a couple of hours and was still up and about when Bobby and I got home . The rest of the day , evening really , was simply having dinner and then going to bed . We 're all tired and feel like it has been a full day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Throughout the summer the Sea World park has a fireworks show , at the end of each day . As result we have a great 4th of July like show , so when we missed it on the real 4th , it was only a minor let down . The challenge is making sure the girls get to sleep , since the display goes on after they typically go to bed . I am experiencing a rather irritating network problem , with the signal coming in and out frequently and it is making it difficult to get any work accomplished , on a consistent basis . If it doesn 't improve over the next few days we 're going to have to look for another provider or source for network supply . Because of this , this post is going to be short - Jason is doing well , and we went in to the Wound Care at the VA . The woman who is in charge of that area expressed some concern about the on going challenges of Jason 's wounds and wants to get some other departments focused on him . I 'm actually glad to see this , as it could help in getting the right attention he needs . We had a visit from Jon Monet , and we briefly talked about some of the work going on with the Cal Poly team . I guess I should provide a little more background on Jon - He worked with the CIA , and was always coming up with new items for the agents , to make there jobs a little easier . He took this and turned it into a company that he sold after 18 years . With the money he made from that he wanted to help people and started the program at Cal Poly and has been doing it ever since . I like Jon , and hope he can continue to help drive towards a solution . He talked about some of the other solutions they have done , and it all sounded very good . We will keep working at getting things lined up for Jason , and hope that a real solution can be found . Finally , Stacy went on an outing with a friend from her school - They went bowling . She was very excited to go , and then when she got back home she was just as excited to tell us all about it . This is the first " play day " that she has had , with her being gone for a specific activity , and not have Jackie along with her . She really felt like a " big " girl today . Needles to say , Jackie wasn 't happy . Grandma did manage to get her to smile and kept her on a positive , after a little encouragement . I 'm sure Jackie will have her days as well . We got home late last night , and therefore I didn 't get a post done , besides by the time I would have been able to post it would have been " today " anyway . What happened was that yesterday the girls came over , a little later than we had hoped , but it didn 't mess plans up too much . I had managed to get out on the bike early in the morning , and was back home before they came , and that was after a 22 mile ride . I rode out to Mission Beach and then around Liberty Island , and then back to the house . I chose that route because I thought the traffic was going to be lite and the ride easy . The traffic was no where near as heavy as it would be on a work day , and the weather was really nice , that 's the positive aspect of the ride . Aside from the first mile , though , there wasn 't any parking places left on the road , all the way to the beach , and then around the island . I was absolutely amazed at the sight . I was also very happy that traffic was very low , as I would have had very little escape routes open to me , should there be a need . Anyway , like I said , I got back to the house and then a few minutes later the girls showed up . We had an enjoyable day and then after the girls got up from their nap ( they refer to it as " brain - rest " ) We went over to Joselyn 's house , where we had been invited for a BBQ , swimming , and then a chance to watch the fireworks . What was really cool about this was that Jason was going to be going with us , and this would actually be his first social outing since his surgery , and I think he really wanted to get out . The BBQ was excellent , along with all the other great food that was there , including the desserts . The girls and I had fun playing in the pool . It was so nice seeing Jason interacting with people , several of them folks he had not previously met , and all went very smoothly . The one down thing was that the city ( not San Diego ) had sent out a notice that their display was going to be on , and then later sent out a second notice that it wasn 't . Unfortunately that second notice had not reached anyone at the BBQ . We all were sitting there waiting and we could actually hear and see some activity off in the distance , but none where it was supposed to be , for us . Apparently it had been stopped by a group , and we only found out after an extensive search on the net . We all loaded up back in the van and said our good - bye 's and then drove on home . It was late in the evening and by the time we had the girls in bed and the van unloaded it was late and I was very tired . I wouldn 't have changed a thing , though , as we had a great time and I think everyone else did , too . The fireworks would simply have been entertainment , and not really added a bunch to the evening except for the children . Today , we went to church with the girls and had a good time visiting with all the folks there . Jason was pretty well worn down from yesterdays visit , so he didn 't make it to church . Several of the people there were asking about him and I think we may have gotten a few more bricks sold for Jason 's flagpole . It is with sincere gratitude the response we are receiving of love and support to help be apart of the needs for Jason and his family . After coming back from church we had lunch and then we told the girls that we would take them over to a carousel and a train , to get a ride on both . They didn 't know where either of them were located so it was kind of a surprise for both of them . We got them up , after the nap and headed over to the San Diego Zoo , and right in Balboa Park , there is a carousel and a miniature train , that you can ride on . Jason stayed home , as he was sleeping again , and as far as I was concerned that was okay . When I did his dressing change this afternoon , both sides were looking better , and I was very pleased with the continued progress . After riding the train we decided to walk around , as we had not been to that part of Balboa Park before , and found that it was quite interesting . We stopped at a vendor and both girls got a small face painting done and then they both found another vendor and got to play some music with him . It was just a simple - fun day for all of us . Tonight I fixed some spaghetti for dinner and it came out quite nice . I typically , in the past , use ground beef , and today I used ground turkey . It came out very nice and I was happy with how it came out . We are getting away from red meat , as it seems to be a healthier way to go . After dinner Linda gave the girls a bath and I worked on the blog , and that was pretty much the end of the day . It has been a very busy weekend . Tomorrow , I am thinking about getting out early for a short ride , and then get busy with the day . Jason has an appointment with Wound Care , at the VA and then later we are expecting a visit from Gen ( ret . ) Jon Monet . He has made it possible for the team at Cal Poly to get things going for development of a better seating solution for Jason . Obviously we 're interested in having this happen . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been one of those very nice days , that you kind of wish all days could be like , not necessarily the same , just like . We got up a little after 07 : 00 ( yes , we actually slept in ) and Linda and I took Gracie for a 3 . 5 mile walk , around the larger block . When we came home Kojak was very concerned about where we had gone and actually greeted us at the door . Afterward we had breakfast and since Jason wanted oatmeal , that 's what I prepared . Once breakfast was over we , Linda and I , headed over to the storage units to get to working on them . We need to be completely out of the second unit by July 11 , and based on the work we accomplished today , I think we will make that date easily . Actually , by just rearranging some things and doing some better stacking we were able to " find " room in the original unit , and won 't need the second unit any more . With the new house coming together so well it doesn 't look like it will be too long before we can completely get out of the storage units , and only have to deal with stuff around the house . Also , while we were working on the units , Jason took the dogs for a walk , so Gracie got a second walk today , and this evening it is kind of showing , as she seems to just want to sleep now . Once we were done with the storage units we went to the grocery store to pick up some things , and we decided that going to Costco , today , was not a good idea , so we 'll wait until next week . There is just too much traffic out there , right now , and I simply don 't want to have to deal with it . For whatever reason , people seem to shut down that part of the brain that shows any courteousness and in some cases intelligence , during a holiday period . Tomorrow we will be heading over to Joselyn 's house , for the 4th , and enjoy a BBQ with her family . They have guaranteed a great fireworks show from the city , so we 're looking forward to it , and hope the girls will enjoy it , as they will be with us also . I do plan on getting out early tomorrow morning , and go for a bike ride , to see if I can get more than 25 miles in . My last couple of rides have been over 20 miles each , and it was very easy to do , so I see no reason to go less than 25 , for the special day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apologies for no post yesterday , but we ended up staying up late yesterday and I was just too darn tuckered out . Yesterday , I received an offer of employment , and accepted . It has been a LONG road to this happening , and both Linda and I are very happy about it finally coming to fruition . I know Jason is also happy about it , as I think he has always carried a little guilt about Dad having to give up his career to come and take care of him . Funny thing is , the last " full time " position I had was with a company who was doing some work for the V . A . ; with this new position I will be working with a new company , who also is doing some work for the V . A . A big difference is that this new company has a three year contract , so I don 't think it is going to fall apart . Jason , Linda and I are very excited about the " Buy - A - Brick " opportunity that is going on right now . For those that don 't know what it is - - Jason 's house is almost done , and one of the last things that needs to be done is the concrete work , landscaping and flag pole . The Buy - A - Brick is where you can purchase a brick with your personal message , through the Gary Sinise Foundation and it will be set in the concrete , by the Flag Pole , in the front of the house . The money donated for the brick will go directly to completing Jason 's home . For those interested , please go over to my Facebook page and you can find the order form and more information . I managed to get in a nice bike ride today , though it wasn 't a long ride . I still managed to get in 20 miles , and I guess I pushed myself a little , the ride was just over 20 miles and the duration wasn 't too bad either . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
My name is Sheryl Clarke . I would like to share with you my experience of the Grandparent connection . I am the second of four children and was born in 1963 . I was always very close to my Dad , Donald Lyal Clarke . I did ( and still do ) love him very very much . My parents moved the family to N . S . W . , Australia , and not long after , divorced when I was about thirteen . It broke my heart to only be able to spend time with my Dad every second weekend . I was the atypical misunderstood rebellious teenager . I felt the only good thing about my parents ' divorce was gaining a new baby sister . In 1978 I became pregnant . We were married ( shotgun wedding ) and my husband and I moved into my Dad 's place . We welcomed our beautiful baby daughter Tarryn Nicole into the world in January 1979 . We lived there until the birth of our second beautiful child Michael Lyal , in August 1980 ; then we moved out and set up a place of our own . My Dad moved back to Adelaide and I missed him dearly . Not long after my youngest , Michael , turned two , my husband and I and the two children moved to Adelaide to be near my Father once again . Also to be near my much - loved Grandparents and family on my Mother 's side . My dear Dad adored his gorgeous grandchildren , and the highlight of their day ( and his ) was when their Papa Clarke came home from work and would give them horsey rides on his back and play and tickle them . My husband moved our little family back to N . S . W and I was missing my Dad once again . We wrote letters to each other regularly and I looked forward to every one , I sent photos of the kids to Dad , and told him funny stories about the kids as they were growing up and how much we loved and missed him . My very patient and much - loved Mum was happy to have her adored grandchildren back home again . In 1985 my husband and I divorced after seven years of marriage . Both my wonderful Mum and her husband ( my step - father ) and my Dad were very supportive . Emotionally and financially , I honestly don 't know how I would have coped raising two small children on my own without their love and support . Also my two sisters and two brothers were an enormous support . In 2003 my beautiful Dad passed away suddenly . Just under two months later my adored Grandfather passed away also . I was holding my precious new grandson in my arms and cooing to him softly as my son stood behind me with his head on my shoulder , watching me soak up the beauty of a brand new life . As I looked into the adorable face of my new grandson , his face changed into the image of my beautiful Dad ! I looked over my shoulder at my son and then back to my grandson and the image was gone . It lasted maybe three seconds . I didn 't say anything to my son , as I thought he might think I was a bit cuckoo ! And I was still uncertain about what I had actually seen . I thought about it a lot over the years , but never mentioned it to anyone . A few years ago , I told my son Michael what I thought I had seen on that day I held my grandson for the first time , and he said " Oh my God , Mum , I saw the exact same transformation ! " But he also didn 't say anything as he also didn 't want anyone to think he was cuckoo ! My adorable grandson has the same beautiful nature and gentle soul as his Father , his Great - Grandfather and his Great - Great Grandfather . I think on the first day I held him in my arms my beautiful Dad was letting me know that he sees his great - grandson and he will always watch over him and protect him . Or maybe Cooper Lyal is my beautiful Dad , Donald Lyal , rebirthed ? Sheryl Clarke Australia My 23 - year - old son dated a very sweet girl for over a year when he was 21 - 22 . I adored this girl . They stopped dating although they do remain friends . He has been with a new girlfriend for about six months now , and they seem very serious about pursuing a future . Two months ago , I dreamed that I was entering my mother 's house , where I grew up . My mother still lives there on her own now , as a widow . In the dream it seemed that my son owned the house , and my mom was nowhere to be seen . I suppose she had passed away and my son had purchased her home . I entered the house with my car keys in my hand and set down a few shopping bags , which seemed to contain children 's gifts . Just inside the doorway there was a little wooden table and chairs , toddler - sized . A beautiful little girl , approximately three years old , was colouring at the table while waiting for me to arrive . Her little rubber boots were standing by the door as if I was supposed to be taking her somewhere . The girl shouted " NANA ! ! ! ! ! ! " and jumped on my lap while I was setting down the bags . She was so very real . I could smell fresh Johnson 's baby shampoo in her hair , and feel the soft touch of her baby skin … like silk on a newborn . She sat on my lap and was so excited to see me . This girl was so beautiful . She looked like a " mini - me " version of my son 's first girlfriend , combined ever so - slightly with a touch of my son 's features . I don 't think I could willfully imagine such a realistic combination of two people . The little girl snuggled into my lap and I was stroking her hair . I could even feel the texture on the back of her shirt . Then she looked deep into my eyes . Her own eyes started looking huge and eternal like the universe . Suddenly , part of my subconscious realized that I didn 't have a granddaughter ( in real life ) , and that I didn 't even know her name . I felt embarrassed asking my own granddaughter what her name was , so I didn 't . Instead , I asked the girl , " What year were you born in again , honey ? " I knew deep down that it was currently 2016 , so I asked her , " Were you born in 2015 ? … 2014 ? … 2013 ? … 2012 ? ? " I made it sound like a game . All the while this girl just laughed and kept saying " No , silly ! ! ! " and shaking her head " no , " while nearly rolling on the floor in laughter . I counted all the way back to the year 2000 before realizing there was no way the girl was 16 years old . Then I stopped counting the years backward and a revelation seemed to come to me . I said , " Oh , I remember ! You were born in the future ! ! ! " The little girl covered her mouth with her hands as toddlers will do when laughing , and erupted into endless giggles and little snorts as if she was keeping a big , funny secret from me . She nodded between giggles , then put her finger over her mouth as if to say " shhhhh " - again like we were keeping a secret . I woke up with an intense feeling of love and connection . I still yearn for this little girl . I know the smell of her hair , her voice , her eyes , her giggles . I have no reason to believe that my son will reconnect with the girlfriend who resembled this child . They now live 200 miles apart and they are both dating other people . But in my heart I am sure that this child will be born . It was beyond " real . " The dream happened on April 13 , 2016 , and I have a very strName withheld Since I was 15 , I dreamt regularly of a little boy . I sometimes see him as a baby , other times as a child of 4 , 6 and 9 years and once as a teenager of 14 . He has always the same features , white skin , light brown semi - curly hair and light brown shiny eyes . He is really talkative and smiles a lot . He has this nice playful , happy energy . In my first dream , I saw myself sitting on the street and crying a lot . Then I felt someone touched me on the shoulder . I saw this little boy for the first time , he smiled at me and hugged me . Then he said that everything was going to be all right and that I would be very happy . In that time , I was feeling very sad and lost , and after that dream I felt hope . I never forgot the dream either . With the course of the years , I kept dreaming of him , and as I said , I kept seeing him in different ages but always happy and talking a lot . I do not always remember all what he tells me , but very specific situations or phrases I do . I have dreamt him in a church , after his first milk tooth fell , in the field , in the city . . . One year ago , he told me in a dream that his name is Richard . I also have to add that my mom and my sister have also dreamt about him . I had never told them that I dreamt about him since I was a teenager . They both told me together about their experience because they dreamt about him on the same night . During that time , they were visiting me in the city were I was making my Master studies . They both dreamt the boy as a baby , with his light brown hair and shiny light brown eyes . They saw me and my boyfriend ( we were freshly together at that time ) pulling a baby stroller . My mom got a little alarmed by the dream because she thought I was pregnant , but I assured her that I was not . However , I was surprised that they also dreamt about Richard , and decided to share with them my previous dreams . After two years I got married with my boyfriend and I also told him about these dreams . He found them cute , but was himself not convinced that they were more than dreams . But he told me th . . . and then what happened - the sequel ! More than one year has gone by after the last time I wrote you . My baby is here with me . There is a lot to tell : The pregnancy went well , with the normal side effects that most women experience : nausea , pain in the back , insomnia , need to pee all the time , tiredness , etc . It took me some time to believe that the baby was really inside me , I think it really hit me when I saw it moving in the ultrasound and heard his heart beating . I had to drop some tears out of excitement and happiness . However , my naughty baby kept keeping for itself for several weeks whether it was a boy or a girl as the doctor could not detect the gender through the ultrasound . It always kept the legs crossed or turned and showed its butt instead . A clear hint for me of its happy , playful personality . At week 24 , when we finally made a 3D ultrasound , the baby could not hide its gender anymore . Any guesses ? My whole being was shaken with so much excitement , trust , and thankfulness when the doctor told me : it is a boy . There was no more doubt for anyone in the family : Richard is here to join us ! This little baby grew and grew inside me , enjoying every minute of it and letting me know with his very active kicking . With the days , we became more connected , but it was different than before . I stopped seeing him in dreams and instead I started to feel him within me . I started to know when he liked or disliked something . He hates the smell of melting cheese and people discussing with loud voices . He loves yoga and soft music , particularly the one including mantras . At night , when he kicked me so hard and so fast that he did not let me sleep , we listened to it together until he calmed down and fell asleep . On May 10th , 2015 , I felt sad because it was Mother 's Day in my home country and we celebrate it with moms and pregnant women . In the country where we live , this day is not so important . My husband did not seem to understand exactly why I was sad either . I fell asleep in the afternoon and I clearly felt a little hand taking mine , while a lot of love A Father 's Dreams Last night / early this morning I had a dream about my son to be born . I saw him at about ten months old lying down on his bed and suddenly he got up , took about three steps , lay down again and went back to napping . It was the most beautiful dream I 've had in a long , long time . A little over three years ago I met my husband . Within days of meeting each other we knew we were going to be together , as the first 48 hours we were inseparable and talked the whole time . We had a very deep and spiritual connection and I just knew this man was some kind of prophet or at the very least the most spiritual man I had ever met . Within those days I told him I was going to give him a child . He asked me if I was sure I was ready , because life with him would not be easy . I told him I was and in the next two months we discussed our child , who was to be a girl , and we picked out her name . When we made love often I would communicate with her and tell her to come to us . The morning I woke up vomiting I knew I was pregnant and I knew it was her , there was no question . However , my pregnancy was not an easy one . My mother 100 % disapproved of my relationship with a foreign , divorced man more than twice my age , who had other children and who I claimed was some sort of prophet . She and everyone else I knew told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life . When I finally told her I was pregnant after more than three months , she was crushed , asked me to abort the baby and cried about how I would be a single mother and she never wanted that for me . Needless to say I felt abandoned by everyone I loved , but I had to follow my heart . The delivery of my daughter was even more traumatic than the pregnancy . I became very sick and one night fell into seizure . I was rushed to the hospital where I had three more seizures and the baby was removed from my womb via crash c - section . I was in a coma for three days . While I was comatose , my husband was dealing with the world . Upon delivery my child had no breath . My husband had not been let in the operating room and did not see what happened , but " sees " that the doctors did much to resuscitate her , and handled her very roughly , but still she had no breath . The doctors told my husband they had bad news , the baby was dead . My husband , being very spiritual , refused to accept that and told them to bring him his daughter . The doctors refused until he began to use profane language and they finally relented , bringing our daughter out into the hallway , breathless , with her hands over her chest . He unfolded her arms and called her name . Within that moment she stuck out her tongue to him , showing him she had life . The doctors freaked out and whispered to each other that he had done obeah or witchcraft , but scrambled to do what they needed to prepare her for life . My daughter was rushed to a children 's hospital while I remained where I was for a week . Today she is quite the outgoing and spirited toddler . The story does not end there , however . When I was pregnant with my daughter , my husband and I wondered if we might have twins . Everything about her presence in my womb was very strong , I felt her heartbeat early and could always see it pulsing through my belly . She was always moving and pushing . I even had a dream that I was having twins and that my mother , who is a midwife , was to deliver them . I picked out a boy 's name in addition to the girl I was certain to have . I did not have twins . However , for the last two years I have been getting strong messages that there is a boy child hovering over me wanting to be born . The first occasion happened when I was talking to my male friend and he asked me if I would ever consider having another baby . Hesitantly I told him I was very unsure if I would , due to the first experience being a very traumatic one . He told me that he had a vision of a boy child who wanted to be born , but I would have to decide if I wanted to have him . He also reassured me that the pregnancy and delivery would be nothing like the first , but that it would be smooth and loving . This news made me excited and I told my husband about the conversation . He was not as surprised , and actually was upset that my friend had revealed this information . He told me he had already seen this boy child , how he was very strong and spiritual , yet quiet and humble ( unlike our rambunctious daughter ) and that he would look so very much like me . His disapproval of the conversation stemmed from his knowing I was not ready , and perhaps he did not want me to exist in a state of fear over it . Other people have also told me they see a boy child around me that really wants to be born . A coworker who grew up around many women asked me on two separate occasions months apart if I was pregnant , as he could see a " motherly glow " around me . All of these experiences have forced me to consider whether or not I could handle having another child , as the first time was very traumatizing and still hurts me emotionally . I already have his name picked out and sometimes I talk to him about what he is like and how it is not time , that we don 't have the right home and finances to bring him in the world . I know he is a righteous boy . A few months ago I had another dream about twins . In the dream I was at my mother 's house . I was frantic and confused because I was getting my three children ready for school ( my older daughter and two younger twin boys ) but we were running late . I was confused because I have no plan on educating my children through public school , but home school . Recently I have had a strong urge to have this boy child regardless if all the circumstances are not how I think they should be . I want him here , and I know he 's going to be very special . One night about a week ago I had a longing for my husband and after beginning to make love we stopped to have a serious conversation about all our relationship fears . After sharing with each other we continued again , this time being as powerful as it was when we first met . He told me he wanted me to have a boy and I told him I was ready , I wanted him too . I called the boy by name and told him to come . I guess this is instinctual behavior , because it 's the same way I called my daughter . So that leads me to where I am today , wondering if I am pregnant and hoping for his arrival . I am scared , but more excited to meet this determined person who needs to be here with us . It will be another week before I know for sure if I am pregnant , but even if I 'm not , I still know this is my son and I am his mother . My experience came as a very , very vivid dream . I tend to have vivid dreams that I remember well , so that in itself isn 't unusual but this was much more real than any dream I 've ever had . In it I was at a park with my mother and a little girl who was about five . We were sitting at a picnic table and the little girl was coloring in a coloring book . She was beautiful , very pale like me and with a face like mine when I was younger but she had very dark , long curly hair and beautiful green eyes ( I 'm a blue - eyed redhead ) . When I first saw her I instantly loved her and knew she was mine to take care of and protect , and she almost seemed brighter and more real than the rest of the dream . She wanted me to help her write her name , Addie , on the page she was coloring so I did . She knew all the letters but had trouble writing them , but I remember she wrote the E really well . I somehow knew she was this bright , sweet , amazing little girl and when I woke up I missed her . I felt like I 'd been ripped away from her and I needed to find her again . I 've discussed this with a few friends who agree that it was strange and possibly something more than just a dream , and the more I look into pre - birth communication the more I believe that I was visited by my future daughter . I have no plans to have children in the near future , but I have always felt this strange pull to children and I 've always felt like I needed to be a mother . When I had this dream it felt like things just fell into place and now all I have to do is wait for the right time . Whether Addie will ever come to me in the physical world I don 't know , but I can 't wait for a chance to see her again . Stories of the Unborn Soul : " People are sometimes baffled by discrepancies between a possible pre - birth message and the reality that unfolds , such as dreaming strongly of having a boy but then having a girl . It is an unsettling experience , and I suspect it occurs more often than we realize , because we tend to forget the predictions that don 't pan out . But this is a subject we need to confront , so as not to give a misleading impression that pre - birth connections guarantee a certain outcome . " Thank you very much for the stories in your book and on your website . It means a lot to know that there are other women out there with similar experiences . Maybe I do stand out a little from the other stories , because almost all the other women are either pregnant or have already given birth . And my husband and I are still trying to conceive . But I would still like to share my experience with you , even though I don 't know the outcome yet . About two years ago , I was picking up my husband from work to go to lunch , when I felt something tugging at my right hand . I felt the presence of a little girl with pigtails , about two years old , holding my hand . She looked up and said : " Mommy , where are we going ? " I answered , " We are going to pick Daddy up from work , so we can all go to lunch together . " And she just said , " Oh , okay , " and turned her head to look at all the people walking by . Mind you , we were in a busy train station full of people when this happened , and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to me to talk to this invisible little girl holding my hand . Outside the train station a car was approaching very fast , and I tightened my grip on her hand , so she wouldn 't run away and get hit by the car . I know , an invisible girl being hit by a car is not very likely , but I reacted out of instinct I guess . After that , she was gone . Months later , right before I fell asleep , I saw an image of a little girl . She looked just like me when I was two years old . She was on her grandmother 's arm , and she looked very sad , like she was crying over something . I can still remember her face vividly . On the right there was a little boy , happy and laughing , not a care in the world . I didn 't feel a strong bond between us , but my aunt said that it wasn 't his time yet . After that I saw someone pick him up from my lap and take him away willingly . My aunt told me that this was the person who takes care of him now , before birth . Like a nanny in heaven . Then on my left leg , I felt an enormous weight pushing me down . I looked , and it was the little girl from the dream , leaning against my chest and crying her eyes out . My aunt told me that she knows that it 's her time to come to earth , but she is scared to death . She 's not a person that likes change , and since she knows nothing about this scary new place called earth , she 's too afraid to go . My aunt told me to talk to her and I did . I told her that earth isn 't scary at all , that it 's a fun and happy place . Mommy and Daddy will love her very much , and when she 'll be here , she 'll be able to play with other children , and with our cat . There 's no need to be afraid . After that , she dried her eyes and ran away . I asked my aunt what had happened , and she just smiled . She told me that the girl had gone to say goodbye to everyone , and to the only place she 'd ever known . And this may take a while , because she 's very attached to her old world . My aunt told me that my lesson in life is to have more patience , with becoming pregnant , and with everything else in life . When my daughter will be here , she is always going to be afraid of change and of trying new things . And I have to have patience with her . If I don 't , she will become insecure and develop performance anxiety . But if I will be patient , she will gain confidence and believe in herself . The pregnancy was a little bit difficult , with nausea and other health problems , but I didn 't care . Finally we were going to meet our girl . That was all that mattered . We immediately knew what her name was going to be , and what colors she wanted in her nursery . When the 20 - week ultrasound was coming up , we didn 't even pay much attention to what the doctor was saying . We already knew we were going to have a girl , we even knew what she looked like . The doctor looked at the screen , and finally told us we were having a . . . . . BOY ! ! My heart stopped . This couldn 't be right , we weren 't having a boy , there was a little girl in there . But she checked again , and so did other doctors in the months to come . It was still a boy . I cried in the doctor 's office . The doctor misunderstood , and thought I cried because I 'd rather have a girl . But that wasn 't it . I felt cheated ; we were ' promised ' a girl , and now we were having a boy . There had to be a mistake . Over the next few days , I began to question my spiritual self . Maybe I hadn 't seen a girl at all , and talked to my aunt . Maybe I had made everything up . How else could I explain the fact that there was a little boy growing inside of me , and not the girl we were hoping for . After a while I started to warm to the idea of having a boy . But at the same time guilt started to creep in . If it 's true what they say , that the baby can sense your every thought and feelings in the womb , he must know that he was not what we were hoping for , and how disappointed we were . The little man surely must feel unwanted , and maybe he 's going to carry this feeling with him for the rest of his life . We had ruined him already , and he wasn 't even born yet . So I decided I had to talk to him , somehow explain . One night we were driving home in the car , and I decided that it was time . I explained that we were happy to have him in our lives , and that we were going to love him very much . He must not feel unwanted , because what happened had nothing to do with him and he is perfect in any way . We weren 't sad to not have had a girl , but sad that we never got to meet ' our girl ' . I asked him to please understand , and assured him that he is absolutely wanted and loved . To my surprise , he answered back to me . He knows he is loved and wanted , so we shouldn 't worry about that . And I shouldn 't doubt my spiritual self . The images I had seen were very real , only sometimes decisions are made that change the outcome of an event . He knew that I worried about the girl , and he wanted to explain what happened to his ' sister ' . Remember that the girl was to be born first , and a little boy would follow two years later ? It turns out that she ' chickened out ' at the last minute , and decided not to be born . At least not at that particular moment . She really was too scared and didn 't feel ready . I remember the month before I became pregnant , my period was very heavy , and I cried uncontrollably . I couldn 't explain it , because I had nothing to be sad about . Turned out that I was pregnant with the little girl at that time , and when she decided that she wasn 't ready after all , that 's when I miscarried . The boy , on the other hand , couldn 't wait to be born and traded places with her happily . He sees life as one big adventure , and is eager to dive in and make the most of it . This one is going to be a handful when he 's older . I 'm sure of it . I didn 't know what to make of it . I had read about this , siblings trading places and changing the order in which they are born . So it could be true . I felt sad for the girl and hoped she was al lright . But she wasn 't my responsibility anymore . She may be born with us after all , or decide to never be born at all . I had to let it go , and concentrate on my boy . Do you know the feeling , that when you meet new people , or visit new places , sometimes they seem familiar to you already ? I think that 's because before you are born , the people you meet and the situations you are going to be in , are shown to you beforehand . That 's why they feel familiar . This is how it 's been for me all of my life , with everything I did and with everyone I met . Except for now . The birth of my son is the first thing that happened to me , that wasn 't shown to me beforehand . It feels like I have gone off the path I was supposed to go on , and somehow changed my destiny . I have to adjust to the new situation , which is a little bit hard . It 's like you take a detour , but eventually you end up again at the road you were taking . It 's like they say , the past can 't be rewritten , but now I know that the future definitely can . For now , we are just going to enjoy our little boy . And if his sister decides to make her appearance in the years to come , I will definitely let you know . Daniela 's letter provoked many thoughts ; one that I shared with her was : When I re - read your original letter , it seemed to contain quite a big hint that things might evolve in exactly this way . And I was very struck by how the personality you sensed from the boy in that experience seems to match what you have felt from your son ! If I would make a guess , it would be that the timid girl , if she does choose to come in future , might really benefit from an older brother to help her cope with this scary world . . . When I fell pregnant with my first baby it was a bit of a surprise , but I had always felt I would someday have a daughter . I had even chosen a name for her . Turns out he was a boy . So he wasn 't my daughter after all ! I fell in love with my baby , but I started wondering if " she " would come after all . I visited a few psychics and Tarot readers ( always had a thing for all that ) and out of seven , six predicted I would have two children , a boy followed by a girl ! Shortly after this I fell pregnant again . I am currently 22 weeks pregnant , and my doctor says it 's a boy again . I have no answers , but these surprises and sometimes disappointments are not uncommon . It 's a good idea , I think , to never be " 100 % certain " of our expectations , and I wonder whether strong desire may cloud our intuition . Another perspective on gender and physical reality is offered by Nancy K . Baumgarten , who shares her experience with her daughter : I kept thinking my daughter was going to be a boy . . . BUT she did turn out to be an extremely tomboy girl for the first 13 years of her life . In fact she had such strong memories of having lived a particular Indian warrior life that she was often mistaken for a boy as a child . THEN , she finally got used to being in a girl 's body for this lifetime . When she was about nine , I shared with her the realities ( from my perspective ) just to let her know that she was [ now ] living a different lifehood than that other one . We had a conversation about physical reality and other lifehoods ( which she already understood of course , as psychic as she was ) . I totally respected that she had a choice It makes sense to me that the soul we sense as our future baby , or even in pregnancy , might be manifesting qualities of its " last known address " in the physical world . Intriguing to consider ! Visit Nancy K . Baumgarten 's amazing website , What a wonderful site ! I believe I had a pre - birth communication experience through a dream a month ago and have been reading articles and visiting websites dedicated to this ever since . I told my mother about my dream and I know she doesn 't believe it so I thought maybe you could give me advice on whether this was just an imaginative dream or if I actually met my future son . : ) I am 23 , single , have never been in love and I 've never understood people my age . I do not party or think that being irresponsible is fun . I 'd rather be with people I love and who challenge me to be the best I can be . I read philosophy and collect records ( preferably the 60s - 70s ) , love classic movies , etc . I love being outside in nature and I really get along with animals and children . I am a feminist and am very independent . I rarely am asked out , which I came to terms with a while ago . I really enjoy marching to my own drum and expanding who I am as a person . I 've always felt like there was one person out there just for me and I 've always been scared that I would never find him . Ever since I was really little I was aware of romance and how much I wanted it . I started meditating and doing yoga two months ago and have been having wonderful spiritual experiences . So here is my very vivid dream : My two younger brothers , mother , and I were at a relative 's home for Christmas . ( We don 't get along well with our relatives because of how superficial and cruel they can be so I was uncomfortable being there . ) I was that last person getting ready for dinner and was finishing my makeup in the bathroom when I heard a knock on the door . I opened it and a gorgeous little boy , about five years old , with semi - long blond straight hair and blue / green eyes walks in . He looked at me and said , " Hi , mommy . " I was stunned . I was initially really upset about being a single mother and that I never found his father ( the man I 've been looking for since I was little ) . But I really loved this boy . I put him on the counter and kissed him over and over and we were both laughing . I remember how soft his skin felt and how much he looked like me . He had my eyes and had hair like I had when I was his age , but his nose and mouth and jaw line weren 't familiar to me - very masculine looking . He knew I was upset about being around my rude relatives and he looked at me and said , " It 's over now , mommy , isn 't it ? " As if to ask if the hard time I 've been going through was over and I said it was . When I woke up I was teary - eyed that I had to leave him . I haven 't had a dream about him since but I see signs of him and miss him and wonder if it was a communication or just a dream . Name withheld I love your work . I am writing you to say hello , and share a quick story about my children 's pre - birth communications with me . I 'm someone who truly believes we chose our parents , before we were born into our current incarnations . I know that I chose my parents , and that my siblings have been in my core soul group for many lifetimes ( simultaneous , or not ) . My son came to me in a dream the year before he was conceived . He was about four in the dream , and I wrote down his physical features in my dream journal at the time . The light brown hair and hazel eyes are his traits to a " t " ! He was in my lap , facing me , and I was explaining to him why we were on Earth . I was talking gently to him , as he gazed into my eyes . I truly believe he is an older soul than me ! He is almost two now . And recently I had a dream of a dark - haired little girl , who I woke up thinking could be my daughter . She had the same shape face as me , and very wrinkled palms like I do . I was looking at her hands in the dream . I even know her name ! Well , my story gets even better . Today I visited my Nana , who is in her last days on Earth . She recently had a stroke , and is bedridden . She is in frail condition . I leaned in to greet her today , and she said to me , " I saw your little girl . " I am 38 weeks pregnant with my precious baby girl Ryenne . Upon Ryenne 's conception I had an extremely vivid dream that I believe was Ryenne presenting herself to me and asking if I would take her in . Here is my dream : I felt like I was in it for such a long time . We lived in this strange place ; it was a tall , thin cube house that was three or four levels spiral - stacked on each other . There were stairs on the outside that let you walk up to stand on top of each roof . All of a sudden , I was driving down a road to get something to bring home to our cube house . I was looking at the sky , which had turned indigo blue , then blue - violet with trails from a rocket - ship or plane that kept forming into patterns . I followed the trails to another house ( our old house in the dream ) , parked the car , and ended up on the roof of the house . The sky was very dark blue , turning into black , then it was black and I had jumped off the roof into the blackness . Next , I was in the white trails . . . I floated to the new home , landing on the roof , and went inside but found everything was old , dilapidated , messy as though a hoarder lived there . Trash was strewn over the floor . I remembered something I was looking for , so I wandered through the house but couldn 't find anyone I knew . I walked into the living room , also strewn with garbage and old belongings , where there was a dim light from a TV and a side - table lamp . There were people sitting on the couches but I didn 't know them . They were elongated silvery - colored figures , similar to humans but very otherworldly . They turned slowly to look at me , then pointed toward a bedroom saying , " She 's got it ready for you . " I didn 't look at her , I only walked to the bed and looked into the gift bag , where there was a bottle full of formula . I picked it up and went back into the living room , asking the people there what I was supposed to do with it . They told me to feed my baby . " Unless you want to use your own , of course . " They nodded at my chest and started laughing . I looked down at my chest and noticed I was lactating . I walked back into the bedroom , having decided I 'd feed my baby with my own milk , but now the room was strewn with trash and old belongings . The woman with the baby was gone . I started sifting through the trash to find my baby but I couldn 't fine her . I kept digging deeper . The whole room had turned into a pile of trash and debris . I found what felt like a tiny , limp baby body , wrapped in gauze and a plastic bag . My dream baby had died . I was awash with the most terrible feeling of grief . I bowed my head and wept . Just when I thought my heart would simply shatter into a million pieces , I looked up to find the wasteland had vanished . The clean , inviting room that I had previously been in had reappeared and the old woman was sitting calmly on a bed in front of me . In her arms was my baby . The woman looked up at me , smiling thoughtfully , hopefully . She held my baby out as she said , " Are you ready ? " I nodded as she carefully placed the baby in my arms . A feeling of calm , soothing , vibrant love consumed my body as I felt my heart connect with my child . I saw my baby 's face for the first time . She was the perfect mix of my husband and me , with bright blue eyes and white - blond hair , just like my husband . I held her up next to my face , looking in the mirror . She smiled a huge smile , like a child instead of a baby , but she was so tiny . I cradled her in my arms and felt this warmth from my heart to hers . I cried , then woke up . About a month after this dream , I found out I was pregnant . I believe my baby girl reached out to me and tested me to see how much I would care for her , how much I wanted her . The cluttered , dilapidated house represented clutter in my mind that I had to sort through to make the decision of letting Ryenne 's soul implant in my body . The question " Are you ready ? " was a constant theme . I believe it was because my husband and I are young ( 23 ) and we didn 't plan this pregnancy . I believe that Baby Ryenne , or perhaps a guardian of sorts , thought we were ready , but wanted to be extra sure before her soul could be passed over to me . I have always wanted a child . I think that her soul saw that and it is why she was presented to me in such a way . I give permission for you to share my experience ; it is very special to me and I would like others to hear it . It wasn 't long or perhaps it had been eons since I 'd embarked on this journey . When I might have begun the trek was something I didn 't think about or place any value on remembering . The only thing I was aware of was the moment . This exact moment . History was not even a fragment of my imaginations . Suddenly a female soul ( or personage ) approached me . Gender differences were definitely apparent although I can 't rightly say I know how I was able to tell . I just sensed that this person was female . Memory indicates a feminine voice . No names were exchanged or offered . She obviously knew who I was and I seemed to recognize her . At least she was familiar to me and not a total stranger . I followed her without question . Presently we came to an area at the edge of a very high cliff at the edge of a grassy meadow . I was aware of other personages nearby although I saw no one . Was it an ocean or some other body of water at the bottom of the cliff ? It seemed a long way down . Perhaps it wasn 't water at all but merely a very thick soupy fog . I didn 't know . " Yes you are . You have to go back . There 's no other choice for you . I 've been sent to make sure you do go back . This time make sure you get it right . There 'll be no more chances for you . " All the while this conversation was taking place , the female moved about . The whole time our eyes were locked on one another . I sensed no danger from her . Or perhaps I did but ignored it . Finally she had herself positioned so that I stood between her and the edge of the cliff with my back to the openness . I have no memory of any other conversation or awareness of ever hitting any bottom . Although I resisted I was pushed over the edge of a cliff which caused me to fall into a sort of vortex . I remember the sensation of tumbling about through a sort of swirling tunnel , helpless to stop myself . This entire episode came into my awareness one day as I was daydreaming on earth being in an earthly form . I was a human being of the age of six . I never mentioned it to anyone , merely setting the thought aside into a special place in my memory banks . It was not brought into my consciousness again until the day that I had an encounter with a psychic . To prove himself as a true psychic , the man made mention of this event amongst a few others that I had always kept secret . Like the time I was hit over the head by a pop bottle that my female playmate had found on my parents ' property . I thought we should share it and buy some candies with the proceeds from selling it to the store nearby . ( In 1954 we could get two cents for it and buy six jawbreakers . ) She thought she owned it . A struggle ensued , and the girl having a good hold by the neck of it struck me squarely on top of my six - year - old head , knocking me out cold . I found out much later when I was in my early teens that she had a memory of the event as well and described her version of events to me . She had been a bit older by a year or so and thought she had killed me . She never cashed in that bottle , instead hiding it in the family woodpile . She spoke of being afraid to go outside lest the police come and arrest her to put her in jail . Ah the innocent thoughts of children . What has been written is a true account of events as much as is humanly possible from a sixty - five - year - old memory . I will swear on everything holy and not excluding my own life that this account is true . May the good Lord in Heaven strike me dead this instant if it 's a lie or an imagining . I found your website before I became pregnant with my now - eight - year - old daughter . I do not remember what I was looking up , only that I was curious about spiritual communication with babies to be , as a result of various communications ( consciously unknown to me ) from the veiled world regarding a baby . Everywhere I went I noticed baby . Clothes , pictures , pregnant women , even reflections from CD covers began taking on the shape of a baby , and I shook off these occurrences as wishful thinking , as I had just recently met my husband - to - be ( I knew he was the one the moment we met ) . Within four months I was pregnant and delighted to know that I was on the path of something beautiful . I continued to receive hints as to who I was soon to become reacquainted with : seeing her name everywhere , family dreams of a baby to come , a feeling of excitement and newness in the air . I quickly reasoned away synchronicities mentioned above , and stored them in memory bank , labeled wishful thinking come to life . . . little did I know that it was the first instance of many . With my second daughter , I didn 't get all of these gentle nudges along the way . She was then ( and is now ) much more direct . Her name ( not common , but more like an old Victorian name ) appeared to me constantly . I would see it in blogs or forums that I read , or getting off the train on my way home . The best had to be when my husband said , " Hey , how ' bout we name the baby . . . ? " The exact name that had been floating around for weeks . Aside form this , during her pregnancy I woke up constantly , in the middle of the night , to see a small child standing in front of my bed , looking at me as I slept . To say that it was off - putting is an understatement . It was not my first baby , she was only about six or seven months old at the time and still not able to walk . I would later find out that this was indeed the baby that I was pregnant with . How do I know , you ask ? Because she started climbing out of bed as soon as she was able to walk , and I would wake up and find her standing in front of me , just as when I was pregnant with her . After her birth , we decided to take a break from having children , and wanted to enjoy our family as it was . For about two years we enjoyed each other and learned lessons about our family , what it meant to be one , and also learned how to grow and function together . We didn 't initially set out to have any more children . Interestingly enough , although the decision was made not to have any more , we slowly started to notice a softening within one another , with regards to having another child . During this time , we became aware of what we thought was a baby crying . Every once in a while , while watching TV or in the quiet of the night , we would hear a baby crying . Clear as a bell . We would get up and go to our daughters ' room , and find soundly sleeping toddlers . This happened regularly . So regularly , that the occurrence stopped causing us to sit up and notice . What did happen was that this opened the door to the possibility of another baby . We decided that if we were going to have any more , this was it . We didn 't want to have children later on in life and have babies when our oldest were teens or close to it . So , one night in the shower I said , or thought , to myself that if there was any being or beings out there that want to come through us , this is the time . I said this knowing in my being , that I was not going to be open to the thought of pregnancy much longer . After this shower incident , I put the thought of pregnancy and babies in the back of my mind , and I continued my life . Working while taking care of my daughters and husband . Weeks pass , and exhaustion sets in . I 'm falling asleep on the couch , surviving work , basically barely making it through the day . One morning , I throw up as I brush my teeth . . . hours later , double line confirmation . I 'm pregnant again . Months later , confirmation of twins - boys . All of the crying heard in the ethers of those days , came flooding back , along with the recognition and acknowledgment that what I heard was not one , but two distinct cries for two distinct sons . I have since these days learned to recognize the patterns , messages , and communications that were there all along . I have had one more baby since then . He is the last baby that I will meet in this manner , as he is our last child , and he has confirmed to me every step of the way , that I know this stuff . He reminded me to trust my gut , and shared his gentle way with me throughout his pregnancy . His gentle soul has reminded me that I know the way and to trust my heart . He helped me remember that I have always been connected to this other - worldly part of life . His pregnancy connected me to the cosmos in a way that is still unfolding . He met his dad in dream ( dad says that he looks now , exactly like in the dream ) and shared his beautiful spirit with dad in dream . Our being blessed with him , and all of our children , shows me that there is more to this life than we know , and I am grateful to learn to navigate through my children of the stars . It is six weeks till my due date and I am pregnant with my first child . She is my daughter . I dream about her birth frequently but in some cases I cannot remember labor or I die . I have dreams of what she will look like and what her personality will be like . In my dreams she is beautiful with red hair so dark it looks brown until light shines on it . She has dark brown eyes like us and olive skin . When I first found out I was pregnant I didn 't want to be and was considering abortion . I wanted it to go away so bad , but no matter what she stayed . I shamefully admit I wasn 't trying to keep the pregnancy and in fact engaged in behaviors that should have ended it or severely damaged the growing child . I sensed a voice that was like my own inner voice , but it wasn 't my own , speak to me . It was sad and wanted me to love it but understood I was upset . I cried and cried and held my stomach and spoke to it telling it how sorry I was and that I did love it and wanted it to stay . Terrific news came with every doctor 's visit that it was developing normally and there were no complications . I wanted a boy , but more I wanted it to be okay . When I saw it on the ultrasound for the first time we all noticed how incredibly active it was and I was almost certain it had to be a boy . Then later we discovered it was indeed our daughter . I feel like I understand how she feels and what her thoughts are . She is happy and 100 % healthy ! I have had the easiest pregnancy . I didn 't even have morning sickness . I feel like she just wanted to be with us so bad that she promised to not give us a hard time so we would keep her . Our bonding experiences in my dreams are great and I just can 't wait to hold her . I have always had foreshadowings of when big things were going to happen in my life . A big move … meeting my husband … But perhaps the strongest was about seven years ago when the younger of my two sons was about a year old . I looked at them one day and in my mind 's eye I suddenly saw a small blonde girl standing next to him . Small and round and fair with blond curls , she belonged to us . Now , I have strong genes that render all family members with nearly - black hair and dark eyes . I couldn 't imagine how I would get a blonde girl . But the feeling persisted . I was constantly impressed with her imminent arrival . Constantly aware of her presence . We were not planning on having any more children and that went so directly against what I felt in my spirit that it drove me to distraction . I was so sure she was coming , even though I was taking precautions against getting pregnant , that I dreamt up scenarios where someone left a baby on our doorstep . I finally blurted out one April afternoon , " Well , WHERE is she then ? ! " And about ten days later I found out I was already pregnant , despite our efforts to the contrary . I was so sure I was having a girl that I didn 't even ask the doc for confirmation . When she was born they had to do multiple pricks on her feet to draw blood every few hours . The first time they did , she screamed and cried . I instinctively knew what to do , and instantly picked her up , still in a lying position so the nurse could work , but with her cheek pressed against mine . I 'd never done this with my other kids . She instantly quieted , and underwent all further procedures exactly in that same position without incident . The nurse said it was uncanny and she 'd never seen that happen before . When my daughter was six months old my mother - in - law who is very intuitive asked if we would have another child . We don 't speak the same language , so our communication was halting . I said , " Maybe . " She said with certainty , " another girl . " In her culture , more than two children is very rare , so four is very odd indeed . When my daughter was nine months old I was sitting down one day and looked down toward my arm and suddenly saw in my mind 's eye another little baby girl , smaller , with dark hair and olive skin . I knew she was mine and I knew she would be coming soon . Again , we weren 't planning on having any more , but this time I knew it was only a matter of time . I told my husband , " If we have another daughter , let 's name her * * * * . " He said , " That 's fine , but we 're not having any more . " I was pregnant within a month . Sure enough , my baby girl was born with dark curly hair and olive skin and was much smaller than my other daughter at birth . Our souls were so bonded from the instant she came out . And interestingly , when I first held her , I heard the name " Jesus " whispered in my ear . I took it as an indication that Jesus would be important to her , although I myself was estranged from my Christian upbringing . When she was about two I noticed her entranced while staring at seemingly nothing . One time we were cuddling on our couch when it happened again and she was suddenly staring with rapt attention at our empty entryway . I whispered , " Baby , is it beautiful ? " She nodded and whispered , " Yes ! " I asked quietly , " What is it ? " and she whispered with awe and delight , " Jesus ! " After our second " mistake " baby , I had my tubes tied and yet I often feel there are more children waiting . The feeling has been stronger , only enhanced by my recent acceptance of reincarnation . Two nights ago all our children were having a camp - out on our bedroom floor and all were newly asleep and I was in - between when my husband suddenly called out loudly , " Children , shush ! " I groggily rolled over and asked if he was okay . None of the children had been talking . He sort of pulled himself from a half - sleep and said , " I thought I heard the kids talking . It was really loud like they were just right here . " He seemed confused as he looked around at the dark room where they were all asleep . I wondered if it could be the same children who I sense are waiting . The next morning he remembered the voices and was not convinced he 'd been dreaming . In other words , he was pretty sure they were real . Later that day I counted out and served up plates for our family 's lunch , and to my surprise when everyone came to get their food , I realized I 'd made an extra plate ! And I 'd been so careful in counting … So maybe there are more waiting for their time , after all . P . S . Also , yes , my first daughter was indeed blonde . She is nearly 6 now , and is still blonde with beautiful low - lights . My younger daughter is a little more fair than when she arrived , but is still darker than the older one . Both are a huge blessing … My eighteen - month - old granddaughter , Lexie , has done some interesting things . Last summer , before she turned one , she began making a motion with her hands when she wanted more of something or to do something again . We looked it up on Baby Sign Language on the net and discovered she was using a version of the American Sign Language sign for " more . " We had to look it up , we didn 't know what it meant and couldn 't have taught it to her . Since then , she will use either her original version or the actual ASL version of the sign interchangeably when she wants more or again . Recently I asked her if she wanted something and she put her right index finger on her left thumb and wiggled her left fingers at me . I asked her the question again and she repeated the motion , so I just said okay and she ran happily off . I told her mom about it and her mom was able to ask a deaf friend if the motion had any meaning . It turns out to be the ASL sign for " later . " Also recently , she has begun to use what we have discovered to be the ASL sign for " quiet " when she whispers and wants us to whisper back . an article on this website . For more information about the subject of this letter , see Carol Bowman 's wonderful books , Children 's Past Lives and Return From Heaven . The late Dr . Ian Stevenson did extensive research on birthmarks and past life memories . Hi , How are you ? I hope you 're doing well . I 'm feeling better than I have for years and doing even better than I could have hoped for . I believe I will really be able enjoy the grandkids even more , now . Which brings me to what I wanted to tell you . We have had quite a little to do involving my grandson , Gabe . Gabe is the son of my daughter , Katie , who had such a hard time conceiving and then keeping a pregnancy . She had several miscarriages and saw several specialists . She was taking fertility drugs , being artificially inseminated , and then on hormones to try to keep the pregnancy , if she got pregnant . It was very expensive and nerve - shattering . She had decided to quit trying and had resigned herself to being " the favorite aunt . " They had refinanced their home , taken out a home equity loan , and maxed out their credit card and she thought the trauma just wasn 't worth the expense . I just felt that she had to try one more time , so her dad and I told her if she wanted to try just once more , we would pay for it . And that 's how we got Gabe . Shortly after Gabe was born , I was helping bathe and dress him and I noticed his birthmark . He had what appeared to be a bullet hole on his chest just under his left nipple , where you would aim if you wanted to shoot someone in the heart . I commented to Katie about it and we agreed that it looked like a bullet wound that was starting to heal , but still raw . I made the comment that he must have been shot in a previous life . I don 't think Katie is really " into " my belief , but she doesn 't argue with it either . As Gabe has grown up ( he 's almost 4 now ) we noticed he had some issues . He had really bad anger problems . If he got hurt or didn 't get his way , he had to hit something ( or someone ) or throw something . He had a very big issue with mSo , several weeks ago Katie and I were on our way to Champaign , Illinois , to see the newest addition to the family . Gabe was in his car seat in the backseat chattering away about this and that . Suddenly he got very serious and said , " Mommy , do you know what ? " Katie , of course , said no , what . And he said , " One time my daddy killed my mommy and I was very sad and cried . And then he killed me , too . " Katie assured him that his daddy would never do anything like that and nobody was going to die , etc . I stupidly sat there like a lump not realizing until that evening what was happening . When I did realize it , I called Katie and told her what I thought had happened . Since then we 've watched Gabe change into a much happier child . Just remembering it that once has been so great for him . His anger issues have subsided so much that even the pre - school people have commented . Plus , he 's really enjoying being around the other kids , calls them by name and plays nicely , he pretty much ignored them as much as possible before . He also is friendly to his papaw ( my husband ) which he wasn 't before and in general is doing better with men . He is still protective of his women , but that might not really be a bad thing . Then , on one of the first really warm nice days this spring , he and I were sitting in the porch swing and talking . I told him how I had sat there with his cousin Elli one night and she had fallen asleep in a blanket on my lap . We went on swinging and talking and finally he laid his head down , so I asked him if he wanted a blanket , which he did . I got the " snuggly " blanket the kids use for their naps and wrapped him up and he lay down again . Then , he sat back up and said , " Grammie , do you remember when I was born and just a little baby and you wrapped me up all snuggly and held me and held me , but I died ? " I told him , " I 'm sorry , sweetie , but I don 't remember . " He said that was okay , lay back down and went to sleep with his head on my lap . That night I had a dream about a former life in the old West where that incident happened , so now I do remember in case he ever mentions it again . His parents were American Indians and I was a friend helping with the birth . Again , just the remembering and telling seems to have helped him heal . At this point , even the birthmark seems to be shrinking . |
Until I was about ten years old , I had many misfortunes : accidents , illnesses , and brushes with death . But when I entered into religious life , my situation improved . Once I entered the monastery I became healthier and happier , and possibilities began to open up that were inconceivable for a layperson from my rural part of Tibet at that time . After that , there was slow but steady progress . I still had many hardships of course , but when I think back on where and when I started , it seems almost unbelievable that I ended up in America . How is it that I am where I am today ? I came from a small village in Tsang , went to Lhasa , was forced to flee from Tibet to India , and then somehow found myself in America . Even when I consider only what has happened to me here in America it is amazing . All these things that happened to me seemed like big things at the time . Now they seem like a dream . It 's like a waking dream . When I was young , the West was a place you only heard about in stories ; no ordinary person like me knew about such things firsthand . People said that beyond Tibet was India , which had been taken over and ruined by the British . Beyond that , far beyond the ocean , they said that there was a place called America . Ordinary Tibetans would never imagine that they could go to America . But here I am . I was born in the Shang region of the Tsang province of Tibet . Shang is best known as the region where the Shangpa Kagyü sect was established by Khyungpo Naljor at the beginning of the second propagation of Buddhism in Tibet in the eleventh century . Shang has many smaller areas within it , and as is often the case with settled areas in Tibet , my village was in a valley between two mountains . The valley itself was called Shum , and my village was called Phordok . The name Shum comes from the word for " cry . " There is an area of white sand on one of the mountains that can be seen from farther down the valley in the east . When you look up at the mountain from the valley , this white patch looks like a human face . Some say that this has a connection to the time when Padmasambhava was in this area . I 'm not sure of the exact story , but it may have been that the name Shum came from people crying when they saw this face , the face of Padmasambhava , and remembered the great things that Padmasambhava did for Tibet . In Tibet there are many places that are named after such features . Phordok means any kind of a mound or bump that sticks up above flat ground . The name of our village was derived from the hill , so Phordok was both the name of the hill and of the village that lay at the foot of the hill . My family consisted of only my father , my mother , and me . I am their only son . It was the custom in our part of Tibet to use just one part of your full name in everyday use . My father 's name was Losang , and my mother 's name was Buti . The full name that my parents gave me was Dorjé Tsering . My parents married late in their lives . When I was born , my mother was around forty and my father was already fifty , or maybe even older than that . I don 't know for certain . It was not common in Tibet for one to record the exact date of one 's birth . The year was noted , and when the New Year came around everyone was considered to be one year older . Some high lamas and other important people would know their exact birth month and day , but ordinary people would know just the year and that was enough . I did not have many relatives , so after my parents died there was no one who remembered the exact month and day of my birth . So like many Tibetans , I don 't know my exact birthdate . The Tibetan calendar has a twelveyear cycle . Each year is associated with one of twelve animals as well as one of five elements . Finally , there is also a two - year cycle : the first year is male , and the second year is female . So every twelve years is the same animal though the element changes . I was born in a pig year . His Holiness the Dalai Lama was also born in a pig year ; he is twelve years younger than I am . His Holiness was born in the wood - pig year , and I was born in the water - pig year . In the Western calendar , this was 1923 . Pordok was a farming community ; people in the area grew many crops . They grew barley , wheat , and a kind of black pea that we ground and added to tsampa . Tsampa is a Tibetan staple made of coarsely ground roasted barley flour . Tibetans usually eat tsampa by mixing it with butter tea and making a ball of dough . The black peas we grew were larger than the peas here in America . When they were coarsely ground , we also used them for horse feed . Wealthier people especially would use these peas in this way . Ordinary people ground them into flour and mixed this with barley flour for our tsampa . This gave the tsampa a slightly sweet taste . We also grew mustard plants and extracted oil from the seeds . The mustard plants had long rigid stems with beautiful yellow flowers on top . The plants had pods , with many seeds inside . We planted mustard and peas in a field together . The peas had a thin , weak stem and a tendency to bend down when the pods developed . By planting them mixed in with the mustard plants , they were protected , and the pods wouldn 't lie on the ground and rot . That is the way farming was done in that area of Tibet . In the summer when the mustard plants flowered , the peas couldn 't be seen . From high on the mountainside one would see entire fields filled with huge , beautiful yellow flowers . My family had a small piece of farm land . I 'm not sure if we owned the land we farmed or if it belonged to someone else . Land was often owned by the local or central government , or by aristocratic families or a monastery or a labrang , which is the estate of a lama , but ordinary people would work the land like their own . There was a basic unit of land called a kang . I don 't know if it was an acre or more or less , but in any case it was a sizeable area . Some families held one of these units or only a half , and some families had two , three , or more . My family held half a kang . People had to pay a tax based on how much land they farmed , so those who held several kang would have to pay more than someone who just had one or one half . A local official , who was something like a governor , collected this tax and sent it to the administration . Tsang was part of the domain ruled by the Panchen Lama 's government in Shikatsé , so our taxes went there , but most other parts of Tibet would pay tax to the central government in Lhasa . The Panchen Lama was widely considered to be the second - highest religious figure in Tibet , after the Dalai Lama . The lineage of the Panchen Lamas began when the Fifth Dalai Lama bestowed the title of Panchen Lama on his own teacher , Losang Chökyi Gyaltsen . Panchen is a shortened form of pandita chenpo , which means " great scholar . " The Panchen Lamas had political power over the Tsang region for centuries , though by our time this power was not absolute . In the fall , people who worked the land had to send grain to the central government , or a local representative of the government would collect money from the people who lived in the area under his jurisdiction . Similarly , if the government needed to raise an army , each family would be responsible for providing support for it based on how much land they held . I don 't really know the system very well , but it worked something like that . On the hilltop above our village there was a Nyingma lama 's labrang . It was not a monastery - the head lama there was married . There were three lamas living at this labrang , a senior one and two younger ones . Unlike the lama lineages that most people are familiar with , these lamas were actually a father and his two sons . The estate had a big house where the whole family lived . In the summer , the lamas were hired by people in the area to protect their crops from hail . The lamas were paid a salary to stay in a small house in the middle of the fields , where they would perform rituals to drive away hailstorms so that the crops were protected from damage . Every year an elaborate series of rituals was performed at the labrang to drive away all negative forces . This was an important event in our area , and it was an exciting time for people all over the area . People dressed in their finest clothes , and everyone gathered to watch the public events . We children would imitate these things when we played . The main ritual was performed on the twenty - ninth day of the twelfth Tibetan month , which usually falls sometime in February . Before the main ritual began , there were preparatory rituals . For a week we heard horns sounding from inside the labrang , inviting the gods in . Part of the public ritual took place in the labrang courtyard . The ceremony could be viewed from a balcony that overlooked the courtyard , and people came from all over Shum to see it . I don 't recall very much of that part of the event , but I remember the playing of trumpets and long horns , and that there was some kind of a religious dance . The other part of the public ritual took place outside the labrang compound . One implement used was a yak horn with mantras written on the outside that was filled with some substance , though I don 't remember what . Arrows were shot in the ten directions , and a human figure was drawn on the ground with a ritual dagger called a phurba . The lama took a large metal container , which had mantras written inside it , and turned it upside down on top of the figure , stepping up on it and performing a dance . Then ritual cakes called tormas were thrown into a triangular fire . There were more dances , and finally another torma was thrown over the side of the hill , which represented the final banishing of evil forces . This was all done according to the ritual system of the Nyingmapas . It was said that if the ritual were successful , the enemies of the teachings and obstacles to religion would be destroyed . Some people said that this ritual could also be employed as a type of black magic and could be used against an evil person or family . It was said that when the ritual was done for this purpose , fire would be seen coming from the sky , landing on the house of the person . Much misfortune , including sickness and even death , would befall them as a result of this ritual . People said these things , but the basic purpose of the ritual was to drive away hindrances prior to the new year . In Tsang , Buddhism was so deeply ingrained in the culture that it was customary for each family to have at least one son go to the monastery . If a family had three or more sons , then two sons would become monks , one son would stay at the family home and continue to tend the farmland , and the last would engage in business outside of the home . The lay sons could , of course , marry . If a family had several children and none of the sons were sent to the monastery , people would think badly of that family . Ordinary people were very religious , even if they didn 't really know very much about their religion . There were many monasteries and nunneries then , and also many small shrines . Even ordinary families had a hanging scroll painting , called a thangka , or an altar in their houses . Everyone knew the refuge formula to the Three Jewels , and they knew the mantra of Avalokiteśvara , the bodhisattva of compassion : Oṃ maṇi padme hūṃ . No one had to be taught these things ; we grew up with them all around . For ordinary people there wasn 't really a sense of belonging to one sect or another in any exclusive way . It depended on what was present in the area where one lived , rather than individual people or families choosing one sect based on their own inclinations or consideration of the different teachings . I went to Ganden Chönkhor basically because I had relatives there , so there was a family connection . Not far beyond Ganden Chönkhor there was another smaller monastery called Dechen Rapgyé where others in our area had relatives . There were perhaps one hundred and eighty monks there . Dechen Rapgyé Monastery was connected to Tashi Lhünpo monastery and followed its traditions . Historically , much of the Tsang region had been under the control of the Panchen Lama 's government in Tashi Lhünpo dating back to the time of the Fifth Dalai Lama and his teacher , the First Panchen Lama . The Fifth Dalai Lama had given his teacher authority over the area around Tashi Lhünpo . So while we had to follow the orders of and send taxes to the central government in Lhasa , we also had to obey orders from Tashi Lhünpo and send taxes there too . There was a fortress above Ganden Chönkhor that was the government center of our area . The government administrator there was sent by the central government in Lhasa . If there was an order to be delivered or a punishment to be dealt out , it was done by this administrator . Ganden Chönkhor , however , was connected to the Dalai Lama 's government in Lhasa and to the three great monasteries there . For the most part these two systems were similar in that they were both of the Geluk sect , but there were differences . Because of my years at Ganden Chönkhor , my knowledge and experience is primarily of the system followed by the three great monasteries in the Lhasa area . I still remember a story that my parents told me from when I was very young , around the time that I first began to talk and walk . I think it may have been an indication of a previous life . Far down in the eastern part of the valley , there was another town where an important noble family lived . My parents said that when I was very young I said , " My house is down there , and I have a horse that 's bluish gray . I want to see my horse . " They said , " Where is your horse ? " I pointed my finger in the direction of the lower part of the valley , saying , " Way down there . " I was pointing in the direction where the noble family lived . Perhaps one of the old grandfathers or some religious person had died there , and my family thought that I was the rebirth of this person . But my parents never said anything to anyone in the other family or took me there . They were a high noble family and we were just ordinary people , so nothing came of it . When I was very young I encountered many illnesses and accidents . The first time I came close to death I was only two or three years old , but I remember it clearly . In front of our house there was a hill of piled - up dirt from which you could get up onto the roof . One day my mother laid me down at the bottom of the hill because she had to go up on the roof for some reason . Then she stumbled , which caused a large rock to roll down the hill and hit me where I was lying . I started crying of course , and my mother screamed , " I 've killed my baby ! " The rock hit me on the forehead and , curiously , on the foot . I still have the scars . If the rock had hit me more squarely , I think I would have been killed instantly . Instead it wasn 't really that serious , but there was a lot of blood , so it looked pretty bad . We didn 't have modern medicine then , but we had our own ancient methods . In old houses like ours there were many spiders ' nests . My mother collected some of these and put them on the wounds . This was supposed to stop the bleeding and keep the wounds from getting infected . It must have worked . It 's funny that I so clearly remember my mother crying out and running to me . That was my first brush with death . In Tibet many natural locations such as mountains , lakes , and streams are considered to be sacred places where deities and nāgas live . One type of deity called a sadak was said to inhabit such places , and it was said that one must be careful not to bother or upset the sadaks or they would become angry . Often , when a child was born , the parents would go to one of these sacred places and make an offering to the deity . They offered prayer flags and incense , and the child would then always have a connection with that deity , who became known as his birth deity . Because my family farmed a little piece of land , they needed a bull to pull the plow . We had some some cows and sheep as well . Our house had a courtyard where the animals were tied when they came home . There were many trees around our house , and a huge willow tree grew right next to our door . The tree was bent way over , parallel to the ground , with branches that reached all the way to the earth . A pillar supported the trunk of the tree to keep it from bending all the way to the ground or breaking . The branches of the tree formed a closed - in area , and when I was young , maybe five or six years old , I really enjoyed playing around that tree . I went there to sit or play , and I probably didn 't bother to go somewhere else to go to the bathroom , so you can imagine what it was like . Old trees like this were also home to deities and nāgas . We believed that if someone harmed or cut one of these trees , then he would get sick because he had upset the deity . It was said that nāgas did not like dirtiness or impurity , so their places had to be kept clean and protected or they would cause problems . My constant playing under the tree probably made it dirty , and I became very sick . I grew weak and was afflicted with a kind of rash or pimples . I was sick almost constantly . Though my parents were very poor , they called in an oracle healer . While people are more familiar with the famous major oracles such as Nechung , at that time there were numerous local oracles as well . Many local deities had oracles whom people consulted on many matters , including sickness . Usually a person would begin a career as an oracle because he had been possessed by one of these deities . Though it began involuntarily , eventually these people came to be able to control and utilize these possession states . They were then trained by another older oracle , and they learned the rituals and methods of divination that were used to help people . The oracle called the deity and then went into a trance in which the deity would answer questions about the person 's problems . I must say , I am a little skeptical about some of these oracles . There were so many of them , and this was a way of earning a living . Horses had to be sent to bring the oracle , which most people would have to hire , and when he arrived he had to be offered good chang - Tibetan beer - and be well compensated . With so much to gain , I wonder about the legitimacy and intentions of at least some of these oracles . In Tibet , it was generally believed that sickness was the result of some kind of unseen being . The oracle that my parents consulted said that my illness was due to a female , conch - colored nāga , who was angry at my behavior around the tree . Nāgas do not like people running around without their clothes , and they don 't like bad smells or other kinds of dirtiness . The oracle said that my parents had to keep that place clean by keeping me out of there and that they shouldn 't cut any of the branches . Whether one believes in this kind of thing or not , I had been very sick , and I did get better after my parents took the oracle 's advice . When I was seven or eight , another curious incident happened . In our village all the cattle were taken together to graze in an outlying area every morning . It was the children 's job to take the cattle out to graze , and at least one child from each family was sent to do this . We were sort of like cowboys . We 'd take the cattle out beyond the village , keeping them together until we reached an open place . Then we 'd let them go freely wherever they wanted , and they would go in all directions . In the summer we had to make sure that the cattle did not get into anyone 's cultivated fields , and we had to chase them out if they did . There would usually be a group of about fifteen children . One of them would be an older boy who was in charge , but the rest would be young children , probably between the ages of seven and ten . Every morning we took the cattle out , and every evening we brought them back to our own houses . We took tsampa , or something else to eat , and something to drink , and we would stay out all day . Sometimes we would go far out where there weren 't many fields , so we didn 't need to worry about the cattle getting into them . There were many nice valleys and pastures from which to choose . This was very enjoyable for us . One day we went farther than usual to a valley where all the fields were on one side of a little stream . On the other side of the stream there was a nice open area where there were no fields , so the animals could roam and just enjoy themselves . We children stayed in this valley for a long time and played . If an animal found its way across the stream to a field , we took turns going to chase it out . There was a nunnery there , and farther up the mountainside there was a small yellow house that was a hermitage ( ritrö ) where someone was living . Next to this hermitage was a small cemetery . Cemeteries in Tibet were not like cemeteries in the West . There were no nicely maintained lawns , headstones , or flowers . Here they were solitary , frightful places where the bodies of the dead were taken . The bodies were chopped up , and vultures came and devoured them . Most people were afraid of such places because it was thought that there were spirits there . People avoided cemeteries , but we children weren 't aware of these beliefs yet . We learned this kind of thing later in life . While we were in that valley , one of the cows crossed through the cemetery toward a cultivated field , and it was my turn to chase the cow back to the rest of the herd . I walked up to the hermitage and around the cemetery and chased the cow back toward the others . When I came back , I cut through the cemetery . As I went through , I saw a strange figure between two rocks . It was small like a baby but it had a big head and hair hanging down to its huge eyes . I didn 't know what it was . At first I thought it was a rock , but when I looked more closely , I saw that this strange creature was moving its head , looking around . When I saw this I was terrified ; there was a real living thing there ! Later , people had some explanations of what I had seen . Some said that I saw a type of being called a lord of the cemetery . Others said that maybe I saw a being called a theurang that is associated with dragons and thunderstorms . When dragons take off there arises a great noise , and the theurang , who is a little man with a hammer , is said to be hitting the dragon on the head . When there is a lot of lightning and thunder , people say that there are many theurang around . It sounds strange to modern ears , but these were the beliefs people had . I don 't know what it was that I saw . Maybe it was an appearance arisen through my karma , or maybe there was nothing there and it was just some type of negative vision . Whatever it was , this event was the beginning of a period of great suffering for me . But it also set in motion a chain of events that would lead to my entering the monastery , so who is to say whether it was positive or negative ? When I saw this thing , I ran away as fast as I could toward the others , running over stones and through bushes and thorns . I was barefoot , so I was hurting my toes and feet , though I didn 't realize it at the time . I was running and jumping without looking where I was going , and eventually I jumped and landed right in a bush that had very thick , very strong white thorns . These thorns went deep into my legs and feet , especially in the heels , but I didn 't feel them . I was scared so I just kept running . When I got down to where the other children were , I told them what had happened and what I saw . They didn 't believe me . But some children picked up sticks and stones and went back to the cemetery looking for this " baby " I had seen . They did not find anything there , and when they came back down they said that I was lying . I was very bloody , and only then did I begin to feel the pain and realize that there were many thorns sticking into my flesh . We took most of them out , but there were three very strong thorns deep in the heel of my foot that we couldn 't get out without digging into my flesh . They simply would not come out , so I had to walk all the way back home with the thorns in my foot . I was in a lot of pain , and the walk home was horrible . I couldn 't stand on that foot at all . I made it home , but we still could not get the thorns out of my heel , and the wounds became infected . Because my foot was infected and painful , I did not want to walk on it . When I sat down , I drew that leg against my body . From sitting like that all the time , and from limping for a long time to avoid walking on that foot , I developed a knotted - up lump high on my leg , and this became inflamed like a boil . If someone pulled my leg straight it was excruciating , and eventually this lump became infected and filled with pus . Between the injury on my heel and the bump on my leg , I stayed in bed for months . I was very sick . The longer I stayed with my leg curled up , the more difficult it became to straighten the leg at all . There was a monk - doctor who lived some distance away , and my mother carried me there . He gave me some treatments and some medicine , but I was still in great pain day and night . I became very weak and dehydrated , and again I came very close to death . My parents were already quite old by this time . There were three other families in the area that were relatives , some of whom were a little wealthier than us , and they helped some . When my parents had to work , some of these relatives would come and take me out to sit with the other children who were playing , or sometimes they would sit me with the older people who were chanting and spinning prayer wheels . This helped me . Back then , people were not so busy like they are here in America . People had time to spend with each other and could more easily help others . That was a good thing about the situation then . My parents tried all kinds of things to help me . They sent for doctors and for lamas and oracles who did divinations . One of the lamas said that the problem was not just the injuries ; there was also a karmic obstacle . He said that I should not become a farmer but instead should be sent to a monastery to become a monk . Then , he said , everything would be all right . Otherwise I would die . It was then that my parents , or I should say my father , decided that after I recovered I should not stay at home and live a farmer 's life . If I did not die , I would be sent to Ganden Chönkhor Monastery . This was not usually an option in a case like mine . At first , my father kept this plan to himself because the local government official would not have agreed to let the parents of an only child send him to the monastery . This is because if I went to the monastery , there would be no one left to take care of the land after my parents were gone . My father planned to take me to Ganden Chönkhor in secret . Once I was there , it would be difficult for the government official to argue with the monastery officials . So it was by my father 's determination , and my own , as you will see , that I would become a monk . We had two relatives at the monastery , so that also made things more feasible . The younger one often came to our house to visit . I called the older one Ashang - la . This uncle was a very important person in my life . After my father resolved to send me to the monastery , my immediate condition still had to be treated . A doctor came every day and pulled on my leg to try to straighten it out . It was incredibly painful , and I dreaded these visits . I cried the whole time , and they had to hold me while they pulled on my leg . It was really terrible , like being in hell . I became very thin and weak because I wasn 't eating very much . I think my parents must have given up hope many times and thought that I would die . This went on for a long time , probably six months or more . Eventually the doctor dug into the heel and was able to remove the three thorns . After that , it got better . Somehow , after a long time , through prayers , medical treatments , and determination , I didn 't die . And my father did not forget what the lama had said about my entering the monastery . At monasteries such as Ganden Chönkhor , the year was separated into various educational and religious sessions or semesters . In between these sessions , there were short breaks , and during the fifth Tibetan month there was a vacation period , and we could go anywhere . During this time , young monks usually went to stay with their parents , which was very nice . Going home at any other time required permission from the disciplinarian , and that was very difficult to get . However , during the semesters , one 's mother and father could come to visit . When I first entered the monastery , my parents often came to see me , but when they visited , I wanted to go back home with them , and I always cried when they had to leave . The monastery was built on a hillside and rose way up from the plain , like the Potala . On the days that I thought my parents would be coming , I watched for them . From the monastery I could see them coming from a long way off , and when they left I could watch them going for a long time . That was a very hard thing to watch . There was a time early on when I was so unhappy at the monastery that I ran away . It was during the period when I had to memorize all the prayers and ritual recitations . Some Dharma recitation teachers were stern and fierce , and some were patient and gentle . My fundamental teacher , my uncle , chose a monk named Gelong Dompelpa , who was very well known and respected but was a very strict teacher . Everyone feared him , including me . He made me work very hard on my memorization and chanting . He insisted that I do my chanting loudly and very clearly . I had to memorize the passages very quickly too . The end result was good , but at the time I didn 't see it that way . Every day I had to go to Gelong Dompelpa 's house in the evening and read a portion of text over and over . Then I had to recite that section to prove that I had learned it . In the beginning I had some difficulty with this , and my teacher became angry with me . One day I was unable to do the recitation , and he became very angry and scolded and beat me . He told me that I had to work harder . The next day I was still unable to do the recitation , and again I received a scolding and a beating . Then he showed me two whips that were hanging from a post in his house and told me that if I didn 't do my recitation properly , the next day he would whip me with them . I was very frightened . I didn 't think I would be able to do the recitation the next day and knew I would have to face a whipping . When I returned to my home the next afternoon , my uncle tried to be encouraging in his stern way , but that did very little to ease my mind . All I could do was worry about the whipping . I decided to run away that night . When it was time for me to go back to Gelong Dompelpa 's house , I went instead down to the main gate of the monastery and hid behind the open gate . I knew I couldn 't make it all the way home that night , so I sat there for a long time , crouching behind the gate . I knew that the gatekeeper came around midnight to close and bolt the doors , so when midnight approached , I ran to the doorway of a nearby house . The doorway had a step down into the door , which made a small space where I could hide . I stayed there until the gatekeeper came and closed the gates . Then I returned and hid in the space of the gates , up against the doors . The gatekeeper would come out every so often on his watch , so I had to keep running back and forth between the gate of the monastery and the doorway of the house . At one point when I was crouching in the doorway of the house it began to rain . I was protected from the rain by the doorway . However , just outside the doorway , there was an indentation that quickly filled with water . A small dog came by and began to drink from the little pool . Sometimes children do strange things , and for some reason I decided to scare this dog , who could not see me . I jumped out and the dog ran off , terrified . Unfortunately , when I did this , my foot bumped the door of the house , and it got the attention of the monk who lived there . He called out , " What is going on there ? " and I had to run back to my spot by the main gate . He came out with a lantern and looked around , but he did not see me . I spent the whole night going back and forth between the two spots . When morning approached I knew that the gatekeeper would reopen the gates and the monks would begin to come out and gather for the morning assembly . So I found another spot to hide and waited . Finally , when the gates were opened and all the monks were in the assembly hall , I ran from the monastery . It took me almost all day to get back to my home , but when I got back to the village I was afraid to go home because of what my parents would say . For a while I hid in a hay barn . I stayed there until I was so hungry and thirsty that I could no longer bear it , and finally , I went home . My mother scolded me and said that it was foolish and dangerous for me to walk all that way by myself . She was worried about me . When my father came home he didn 't scold me much . He said that it was too late in the day to take me back to the monastery , but he would take me back in the morning . My mother then said that since I had come all that way I could stay a day or two , and then I would have to go back . They sent a message to my uncle to let him know that I was safe . After several days my father took me back to the monastery , even though I really didn 't want to go . I was afraid of what my uncle would say and even more afraid of my text teacher . To my surprise , my uncle was not very angry . He asked me why I had run away and caused everyone so much worry . I told him that I was afraid of my teacher and that I had not been doing well and was afraid of being whipped . My uncle went to see my teacher and told him that there was no need for me to be hurried through my memorization ; I could do it at a slower pace . This made matters much better . After that my text teacher became more patient with me . It was the custom in Tibet for laypeople , wealthy monks , and lamas to occasionally distribute money to all the monks of the monastery . The donor did this in order to generate merit . The money received by the fundamental teacher contributed to the support of the young monk . As a member of the Sangha , the young monk also received these disbursements of money . The fundamental teacher , like a parent , kept this money for the novice . The teacher also received support from the novice 's family as well as from his own family . Of course , in the monastery , one didn 't have to worry about a morning meal because every monk received tea and brought his own tsampa to both of the early assemblies . During special occasions , the monks didn 't have to worry about any meal for that day . In general , however , it was not the case that the monastery fully supported the monks who lived there . Rather each monk relied upon his family home to provide support . The monastery owned farmland and fields , which were worked by laypeople . When the crops were harvested , half of the grain usually went to the monastery , though in some cases farmers gave less . Either way , the monastery always had a store of grain . People also offered animals such as yaks and sheep to the monastery . Some richer monasteries had arrangements with people in the nomadic areas . A group of nomads raised and tended animals that belonged to the monastery , and the monastery received a portion of their milk , butter , and cheese . During the semester , each monk received an allotment of barley , which he would have someone roast and grind to make tsampa . This grain came from the monastery 's granary , which had originated from the fields owned by the monastery . The monastery oversaw this system of distribution . The amount of food was not great , but it was enough to keep one from starving . Some monks , based on their families ' wealth , were comparatively rich , but most of us had just enough to survive . We brought our own tsampa to the early morning assembly . When we drank our tea , we would leave a small amount in the bottom of the bowl . From the bag of tsampa on our belts , we would take a small amount out and mix it with the remaining tea into a ball of dough . We did this underneath our outer robe and then quietly ate it . This was our breakfast . We also did this at the second assembly later in the morning . At those times when there was a third assembly , such as when a wealthy patron sponsored a ceremony , we would have a very delicious soup . Such a soup could not be duplicated , even at home . It was made with a special kind of meat , lamb or something , and large bones that were roughly chopped and put into huge cooking pots in the monastery kitchen . These pots were huge , as tall as a man . Just one of these pots would fill most of a normal - sized room . The monastery kitchen took up nearly an entire floor of the building and had three or four of these pots . One was the main teapot , one was filled with water , one contained the soup , and one was for the ingredients that were added to the soup . They all sat over wood fires . I heard that after the destruction of Ganden Chönkhor during the Cultural Revolution , the Chinese troops used these pots for toilets . They did many terrible things like that . Along one wall of the kitchen were the teapots used for serving . They were wooden with three decorated bands of metal that wrapped all the way around them . Wooden poles were put through the handles to carry the teapots , which also had spouts from which to pour the tea . The opposite wall held similar pots for the soup , which didn 't have spouts but instead had ladles for serving . The monks sat in rows in the assembly hall , and each row had one person who went into the kitchen and picked up the pot that was marked with his row number . This was always done the same way . The young monks had to take turns doing this , and so did the dopdops of all ages . The tea masters were the overseers of the kitchen , and they maintained a very strict environment there . They were really quite intimidating , and they didn 't allow the young monks and dopdops to talk or joke . The kitchen was part of the monastery after all , and the monastery was a place of discipline . This was true of every part of the monastery ; there were no exceptions . At Ganden Chönkhor , the tea and soup were well known for being delicious . The tea , of course , was Tibetan butter tea . The tea leaves came in bricks , and as many as twelve of these bricks were crushed and boiled at a time to make tea for the entire monastery . To make the tea , two dopdops stood on the top edge of the stoves and used huge , long - handled spoons to mix the tea as it boiled . They had to stir it for a long time , scooping down into the pots and pulling the spoons way up overhead and then down again in a circular motion , over and over . They did this hundreds of times for each pot . The men selected for this job had to train in the summer before beginning . For practice , they went out to the river and used an old heavy handle for exercise . It was hard work . Before the tea could be served to the assembly , the tea leaves had to be taken out of the pots . The dopdops who worked in the kitchen had long - handled strainers made from a metal hoop with a piece of thin cloth stretched over them that they used to strain the tea . The job was also physically demanding , and it required a great deal of skill to get all the tea leaves out efficiently . When all the leaves had been removed , what was left was a delicious strong black tea . Then the butter was added . They used the same method to mix in the butter , though it didn 't take as long as removing the leaves . At first the butter floated on the top , glistening yellow , but it only took about ten or fifteen strokes for the dopdops to mix it in . This tea was so delicious ! It 's difficult to accurately describe it , but hopefully this gives you some idea . When I was very young I used to go through the upper level of the kitchen on my way to the assembly so I could watch the tea - making process from the balcony . While the dopdops stirred the tea , they had a special chant to count each stroke . As they brought the spoon down into the tea , they sang , " chik cha chik , " ending as they scooped the leaves out . When they put the spoon in again they continued in the same manner chanting , " nyi nya nyi , " then " sum sa sum , " " zhi zha zhi , " and so forth , eventually counting to well over one hundred . I think this special method was unique to Ganden Chönkhor . It was not done the same way at Sera or the other great monasteries . They didn 't mix the butter in this way . At Sera , what they called " tea " was really little more than hot water . Today in the monasteries in India , I think they mostly use churns . But Ganden Chönkhor had this wonderful tradition of making tea in this way , and it was delicious . When there was a special ceremony and a donor sponsored one of the offerings to the assembly , the tea would be even better - only the best tea and very good butter were used . At such times , everyone went to the morning assembly . No one wanted to sleep in and miss this tea ! |
Christmas Memories : LHOP inspired fiction by Cheryl C . Malandrinos Since many of my stories center around Laura and Almanzo 's relationship , Nels Oleson doesn 't appear in a lot of them except in bit parts . I decided to break with my timeline in sharing these stories so that I could honor Richard Bull , the actor who played Nels . Bull passed away this week at the age of 89 . I also plan to write up a character profile on Nels soon . I hope you enjoy this Christmas story from 2011 . Author 's note : In the show , Nellie was not pregnant during the winter , but I changed this part of the timeline so it fit with the story . It also goes contrary to the townsfolk of WG being in the dark about Percival 's Jewish faith . In " Come Let Us Reason Together " from Season 7 , Harriet says that Percival 's name change was the best kept secret , leading viewers to assume no one outside of the Oleson clan knew he was Jewish . Almanzo raised his hands in exasperation . Maybe one day he would find it easier to curl his large fingers around the ends of the tie . His strong chin lifted while Laura 's nimble fingers quickly made a perfect knot . " Thank ya , Beth . " Almanzo leaned over and pecked her cheek . " I sure would enjoy this social a whole lot more if I didn 't have to get dressed up . " Laura raised her eyebrows . " Manly , you know the only reason for your Sunday best is that Reverend Alden is holding a service for Christmas Eve . " A mischievous smile brightened her face . " How would it look if you entered the house of the Lord in your work clothes ? " " I 'm your wife . I 'm supposed to love you no matter how sweaty and dirty you are . " Laura laughed , but Almanzo 's lips quickly captured hers , stifling the last few giggles . Charles lifted his gaze to the sky and inhaled deeply . " It sure looks like it . We 'll have to keep an eye on the storm . If it gets too bad we 'll have to skip the social and head home . " " Yes ' um . " Albert could barely croak out his response . He hoped to see Rebecca Stone tonight and ask her to dance . They had been stealing glances at each other across the school room all week . After a lovely service , everyone made their way over to Nellie 's Restaurant and Hotel . Nellie and Percival led the pack down the street . Percival opened the door and stepped back to allow his wife to enter . Nellie pressed a hand against the small of her back as she waddled through . Charles took one last look at the lightly falling snow before walking inside and pulling the door tight . He helped Caroline shed her coat and carried it into the back room where the silent switchboard stood unattended . After removing his hat and coat , he joined Doc Baker , Almanzo , and Ned Turner , whose instruments were already filling the room with music . Gently removing his fiddle from its case , he easily fell in tune with the others . Mary and Adam had taken the stage into town from Sleepy Eye yesterday . They had already begun dancing by the time the first notes of Charles 's fiddle reached their ears . With his wife , Harriet , occupied ordering people about , Nels Oleson offered his arm to Caroline and they waltzed onto the dance floor . The Reverend Alden stood with one arm leaning on the mantle , tapping a foot on the floor . His wife , Anna , sat in a chair next to him . She hadn 't been feeling well lately and wasn 't quite up to dancing . Laura busied herself helping Nellie and Percival with the food . She couldn 't help but wonder how falling in love with Percival had changed her former enemy . She found it strange that they once despised each other so . Laura balanced a heavy platter filled with sandwiches on one arm and carried a pot of coffee in the other . As she leaned with her back toward the swinging door that separated the kitchen from the dining room , the door swung open and hit her . Hot coffee sloshed onto the floor and she struggled to keep the platter from falling over . " Oh , Laura dear , please be careful . " Mrs . Oleson snatched the platter off her arm . " This belonged to my mother . " Laura rolled her eyes up to her lids , but she bit her tongue . Christmas Eve was not an evening for sparring . Mrs . Oleson shooed her away . " Now , run along with that pot of coffee and hurry back . I don 't want poor Nellie to exhaust herself . " Laura sighed . Mrs . Oleson hadn 't changed one bit . Almanzo lifted his head as Laura walked through the open door . His gaze met hers . She wished he was holding her in his arms right now , twirling around the dance floor . Her grandma had loved to dance . Ma and Pa told her how much she reminded them of Dancing Grandma . She missed her aunts and uncles and all the cousins she had grown up with in the Big Woods . The wind picked up as a full - fledged Minnesota blizzard blew into town . The glass in the windows shook and the door rattled against the increasing wind . Immediate silence fell upon the room of party goers . Charles and Almanzo laid down their instruments and marched to the door . Almanzo pulled it open and a blast of cold wind and snow swirled around him . " Look at that come down . " Almanzo pushed the door shut and locked it . Hopefully it wouldn 't give way against the blustery weather . The children kneeled on chairs in front of the windows , their parents staring over their shoulders . The room erupted into chaos as everyone began talking at once . Some men pulled their wives by the arms and followed Jenkins . Children began crying and mothers quickly tried to hush them . " If any man leaves , " Reverend Alden 's hearty voice boomed over the commotion , " he leaves alone . I won 't allow innocent women and children to be harmed because of your stubbornness . " Though his steely gaze remained on Tom , his right hand trembled . Anna stood and clasped his hand . " Robert is right . " She smiled at her husband . " Let 's not ruin the evening by quarreling . It 's Christmas Eve . Think of what might have happened if the shepherds were too busy arguing to go and find the Savior . " Charles motioned to Almanzo and the other musicians . They picked up their instruments and began playing , " It Came Upon a Midnight Clear . " Soon everyone was singing and peace reigned again . The younger children had been put to sleep in rooms upstairs . Soft notes from Charles 's fiddle and Almanzo 's guitar lulled the few little ones fighting off the sand man into a peaceful slumber filled with dreams of Christmas . Their parents had assured them that even if they weren 't home for Christmas , Santa would leave presents for when they returned . The adults and the older children sat downstairs huddled in blankets with their coats on . The men took turns tending the fire , just enough to keep it burning . They didn 't know how long they would be stranded at Nellie 's place , so they needed to conserve the firewood . Many of the kerosene lamps had been blown out . The few that remained on left them with just enough light for people to walk around to get food or coffee . Charles and Almanzo asked everyone to join them in singing " Silent Night . " Their fingers were getting too cold to play well , so this would be the last song . As the first few words were sung by the crowd , Laura heard the doors shake against the howling wind . It was anything but a silent night in Walnut Grove this Christmas Eve . Laura pushed a tendril of hair behind her ear . " But those stories are good because they 're about our family . Nobody else would be interested in them . " Butterflies danced in Laura 's stomach . She looked over the crowd , many of whom were rearranging their places so they could listen . She had never spoken in front of such a large group before . Teaching the children was easy , but many of these people had known her since she was a little girl . Laura clasped her hands in front of her and sought out Manly in the crowd . The dim light didn 't allow her to make out all his features , but she thought a corner of his mouth was raised in a crooked smile . Percival walked over and turned up two of the kerosene lamps next to the platform where the musicians had played . Now all eyes were certainly on her . She took a deep breath and thought of how to begin . " So , we had to pack up and leave Kansas , and our friend , Mr . Edwards . " Laura lowered her head . She wondered how Mr . Edwards and his family were faring these days . It had been some time since they had written to Ma and Pa . Their oldest son , John Jr . , was still in Chicago as far as they knew , and who knew what Carl and Alicia were up to these days . Carl had been such a good chum growing up . It seemed so long ago . " I had never seen a house in the ground before . I wished I had a remembrance book to write about the day we came here and I saw it . Pa bought the land by Plum Creek and built a new house . Mary and I were so excited that we would get to sleep up in the loft . " Mary 's gentle laughter reached Laura 's ears . They had many wonderful times up in that loft . Several fights too , though they didn 't seem to matter anymore . " That first Christmas was one of secrets . " Laura began walking as she spoke . " Pa took us into Oleson 's Mercantile to look for gifts . I wasn 't too happy though . I didn 't have much money . And I still hadn 't figured out what I should get Ma or Pa . " " Well , " said Laura , " there was one thing she wanted more than anything else . My pony , Bunny . " Laura crossed her arms over her chest and shifted her weight onto her right leg . " Nellie had been asking her father to buy Bunny for weeks , but I had refused to sell her . I loved Bunny , and I was sure Nellie wouldn 't treat her very well . " " On Christmas Eve , we had wrapped all our gifts and put them under the tree . Pa took out his fiddle and we danced . Mr . Oleson stopped by with a big crate marked , ' Do Not Open Until Christmas . ' I couldn 't wait for Christmas morning , even though I knew it meant that Nellie would be coming to take Bunny away . I wanted to see Ma 's face when she opened the crate . " " Ma nearly giggled with excitement when she took the crowbar and pried off the lid . Imagine her shock , and Pa 's , when the card inside read , ' Love , Laura . ' Pa had been working to fix and paint a set of wheels for a customer of Mr . Oleson 's . He was going to trade the work for the stove , only Mr . Oleson didn 't know that until Pa delivered them on Christmas Eve . Laura stepped down from the platform and walked into the crowd . Everyone looked up at her , eager for more . She rubbed her hands together to warm them . " Nellie and Mr . Oleson arrived a few moments after Ma opened the crate . It was then that everyone knew I had traded Bunny for the stove . I had to swallow back tears as I led Nellie to the barn to go get Bunny . I watched while Mr . Oleson tied Bunny to the back of his wagon and drove off . Laura 's gaze drifted up to the ceiling . " That was only part of the truth . My heart ached over losing Bunny , especially to someone who I knew wouldn 't love her as much as I did . But seeing Ma 's face that Christmas made it all worth it . And knowing life would be a bit easier for her with the new stove made me happy inside . " " Then Carrie reminded us why we celebrate Christmas in the first place . She had bought a star for the tree . After Pa lifted her up to put it on top , she looked upon her special gift and said , ' Happy birthday , Baby Jesus . ' The room erupted with applause as Laura carefully walked around blankets to rejoin her family . Caroline stood and embraced her . When Laura sat down , Nellie leaned over and whispered in her ear . Mr . Oleson stood and walked over to Percival , patting him on the back . " Where were we ? Oh , yes , who would like to share a story of Christmas past ? " As they came to stand near one of the two turned up kerosene lamps , Anna and Reverend Alden were lit enough for everyone to see them . His head shook and his hands were raised in protest . One of her hands patted his chest . Her wide smile danced along with the sparkle in her eyes . " I was at the seminary when I received a wire that my father was gravely ill . School was to be let out at the end of the week for Christmas , but my mother asked that I return home immediately . I knew then that my father couldn 't have much time left . " Reverend Alden lowered his head . He breathed deeply and a few moments passed before he continued . " I took the first stage out of town , but I was a few days away . I spent most of that time praying I would make it home before my father passed on . " " When I finally arrived in town , I ran all the way home . My mother met me at the door . It was as if she had aged ten years since I went away . She had cared for my father for months . I almost didn 't go to the seminary , because I didn 't want to leave her to care for him alone , but she insisted I answer God 's call to the ministry . She told me that it would do my father good to see his only son follow in his footsteps . Anna came to stand beside her husband . She placed a hand on his arm and smiled , encouraging him , as she always did . He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it . " I stepped into my father 's room , but the sight of him stopped me in my tracks . He had always been thin , but he was so pale it was like you could see through him . He couldn 't even lift his head from the pillow . One of his fingers rose from the bed and motioned me over . His voice so hoarse , I could barely understand when he called my name . " I could barely see his face through my tears . I laid my head down on his chest . His breath rattled through his lungs as he lifted a shaky hand to rub my back . ' No man has ever had a better son , ' he said . Then he asked me to grab his Bible off the table next to his bed and read him Psalm 100 . " My father smiled at me , and for but a moment , he looked as he did when I was a boy : young and vibrant . ' I have served the Lord my whole life , ' he said . ' Today , I will enter into his gates and I will be thankful for it . Oh , Robert , I cannot wait to see Him . This Bible was a gift from my beloved teacher at the seminary . I want you to have it . ' " " He asked me to look after my mother until they could be together again , but he also asked that I return to the seminary , so I could graduate and then use his Bible to help spread the Word of God . " He ran his tongue over his dry lips . " That evening , my father fell into a coma . He died two days later , on Christmas Eve . His Bible remains the most precious gift I ever received , outside of the gift that God gave all of us when He sent His Son down from heaven . " I 've tried my best to live a good life and to be an honorable and moral man . My father was that kind of man . I hope he can still say that he is proud of me . " " There are more sandwiches and a fresh pot of coffee , " she said . " Maybe it would be a good idea for us to get up and start moving to keep warm . We 'll save some firewood that way . " Chatter filled the room as families made their way over to the long tables that still held a great deal of food . Laura had almost forgotten about Mrs . Oleson . She must have been working in the kitchen during the storytelling . Laura whispered to Manly and then raced off to the kitchen . She found Mrs . Oleson dipping her finger into a dollop of cream on top of the cherry pie . A retort danced on Laura 's tongue . " I 'm sorry Mrs . Oleson . I just got so caught up in the storytelling that I forgot I had promised to help you serve the food . " Mrs . Oleson pursed her lips . " Well , I know not everyone can be as conscientious as my Nellie . " She sliced the pie into 16 slices and picked it off the counter . " You do , however , have a natural ability when it comes to telling stories . " A compliment from Mrs . Oleson ? Now , that was a surprise . " Thank you . " Laura pointed at the pie in Mrs . Oleson 's hands . " Would you like me to carry that out for you ? " Mrs . Oleson plowed out the swinging door and disappeared . Laura waited a few moments until the coffee was done percolating . Then she wrapped a thick towel around the pot 's handle and carried it out to the other room . Almanzo and Pa were playing " O Come All Ye Faithful " when Laura entered the room . Their fingers weren 't as nimble as usual , but the crowd seemed to be enjoying it . Some were singing , while others wrapped their fingers around cups of hot coffee , trying to stay warm . " It was beautiful , Charles , " Caroline said from her seat next to the fireplace . Mary and Adam had joined her . They chatted about the gifts the children from the blind school had given them before going away for Christmas break . Ned Turner walked over to the window and looked out . Swirls of snow made it almost impossible to see , but drifts of snow came up to the bottom of the windows . " I wish this blasted storm was over . " " I 'm sorry , Edna . I just get to worryin ' about the animals . That wind could blow the doors right off the barn and there ain 't nothin ' I can do about it from here . " " Nicely said , Mrs . Turner . " Reverend Alden had gone back to the platform where he had told his story earlier . " Why don 't we bow our heads right now and pray . " " Dear Lord , We thank you for the safety of this place and the generous amount of food you have provided to keep us nourished during the storm . We ask you to protect our homes and our animals while we are away , and to end this storm soon so that we may make a safe journey back . Amen . " " Thank you , Reverend , " said Nels . He walked to the front of the room . " Would someone like to share another story with us ? " The room remained silent . " Don 't be shy . We would love to hear about your special memories . " " What about Percvial ? " Nellie had moved over to the fireplace and now sat in a circle with Caroline , Mary , Adam , and Anna . " We just celebrated Chanukah together for the first time . I 'm sure he has some great stories to share . " Harriet marched to the fireplace as Nellie spoke . She bent down and whispered into her ear . " I don 't think that 's appropriate on Christmas Eve . " Nellie pushed herself up from the chair . " This what ? " She glared at her mother , whose hands were now moving in circles while she searched for words . " Oh , you know what I mean . It 's not right . That 's all . We 're Christians . We don 't celebrate Chana … Chana … Chana - " " Nellie 's right . " Nels put his arm around Percival 's shoulder . " Percival is part of this town , and what 's more important , he 's part of our family . If he wants to tell us a story about a special Chanukah , he should . " Percival 's heart swelled with affection . He had always gotten along well with Nels , but he was never quite sure if his father - in - law was happy Nellie had married him , or if he just didn 't want to interfere . His admission that Percival was family meant the world to him . " If everyone would like to hear about Chanukah , then sure . " Albert 's head whipped around and he smiled at Rebecca . She smiled back , and then lowered her head , suddenly bashful . Percival couldn 't help but laugh inside . Maybe they would be the next Walnut Grove couple . Percival stepped up to the platform . A pain gnawed at his stomach . Not that he was ever afraid to speak his mind , but what if these people he had come to know thought him strange ? He was forced to change his name so that he could find work . Jewish people had always suffered persecution . Why should he , a lowly man , expect it to be different for him ? His gaze took in the townsfolk of Walnut Grove . These were good people , but even they may not understand him . He licked his dry lips and released a breath he didn 't realize he had been holding . " Chanukah is celebrated during the month of Kislev , the ninth month of the Jewish calendar . It is celebrated on the ninth day of Kislev , and lasts for eight days . " " Oh , it 's all right Mrs . Ingalls . " Percival couldn 't help but smile . " It probably sounds a bit strange , but it 's a very important tradition because Chaunkah commemorates the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem , where the Jews rose up against their Greek - Syrian oppressors in the Maccabean Revolt . Around 200 B . C . , Judea came under the control of Antiochus III , the Seleucid king of Syria . He allowed the Jews to continue practicing their religion . But when his son , Antiochus IV Epiphanes , took over , he outlawed our faith and forced the Jews to worship the Greek gods . " Percival adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose . " You 're right , Carrie . And it was just as bad then , as it was when Antiocus did it . His soldiers massacred thousands of people and desecrated the city 's holy Second Temple by erecting an altar to Zeus and sacrificing pigs within its sacred walls . A Jewish priest , Mattathias , and his five sons , led a rebellion against Antiocus . After Mattathias died , his son , Judah took over and drove the Syrians out of Jerusalem . " Many of the townsfolk sat with their mouths open , seemingly in awe of what they were being told . Mrs . Oleson 's finger was wrapped over the string of pearls at her throat . Even she didn 't look like she could speak . " Judah called on his followers to cleanse the Second Temple , rebuild its altar and light its menorah . The menorah is a gold candelabrum whose seven branches represent knowledge and creation . They were meant to be kept burning every night , but they only had enough oil to burn for a single day . The miracle of Chanukah is that even though they only had enough oil for the menorah to burn one day , the flame continued to flicker for eight days . " Many people expressed interest , so Percival quietly went upstairs and unwrapped the menorah , which he kept in his wardrobe . " You 're welcome to come up and get a closer look . " Several of the children stepped forward , and some adults too . Everyone settled in to listen to the rest of Percival 's story . Caroline came to stand next to Charles by the food table . He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close . Almanzo had taken a seat next to the fireplace . He tapped his leg and Laura sat down on his lap . " Mama didn 't want him to go , " said Percival , " but he can be a bit stubborn at times . " Nellie giggled . She had heard many stories about her father - in - law and his infamous stubbornness . " So , he packed up the wagon and traveled out of the city . " Percival straightened his eyeglasses on the bridge of his nose and licked his lips before continuing . " The first few trips were very profitable , so he decided he would go out one more time in late October . We hadn 't received a letter from him , so we expected he would be home right before Thanksgiving . But Thanksgiving came , and went , and still there was no sign of Papa . " Everyone 's eyes widened . No one knew much about him or his family , so no one would know how this story turned out . It made Percival feel special that they paid so much attention to him . He could never hope to gain the kind of respect that Mr . Ingalls or Nels had , but it was tough for an outsider to feel part of such a close - knit community like Walnut Grove . " I was just a young boy then , so I don 't know how Mama was feeling , but I can imagine it was frightening for her . She had to run the store all by herself , and take care of me and my sister . As the days turned into weeks , I 'm sure she thought something awful had happened to Papa . " Latkes are potato pancakes . You shred potatoes , mix them with a batter , and fry them . " Just thinking about them made Percival 's mouth water . " Sufganiyot are doughnuts filled with jelly and sprinkled with sugar . " " We also have cheese and wine , " said Percival . " It was almost sundown on the first night of Chanukah . Mama told me , as the man of the house , I would have to recite the Blessings . My heart pounded in my chest . What if I made a mistake ? I was only five . But Mama hugged me and told me to do my best . " Percival 's curly hair shook around his ears as he nodded . " It didn 't feel like Chanukah without Papa . More than that , the house was so quiet . He had a big booming voice that filled the house with laughter , and sometimes , anger . Without him there , nothing seemed right . Instead of feeling peaceful and thankful , all of us were scared ; scared we might never see Papa again . " Even after all this time , and with knowing all would turn out well , Percival 's throat went dry . He walked over to the food table , poured some water from the pitcher into a cup , and drank it . Then he walked back to the front of the room . No one spoke while he did this . Their heads all followed him , as if they might miss something if they didn 't have him in sight . " Just as I was about to recite the first of the three Blessings , the front door flew open and Papa came bouncing in . Mama 's hands flew up to her cheeks . She screamed my father 's name and we all ran to him , almost knocking him over . " " Shamash ? " asked Percival . Timothy nodded . " That is the candle that we use to light all the others . So , on the first night of Chanukah , two candles are lit - the shamash and the first candle . Then each night we light one more candle , until finally all the candles are lit , representing the eight days that the oil burned . " Papa said the three Blessings , and lit the candles . Then over dinner that night , he told us about his trip . He had traveled much farther north than he had intended to and got caught in a blizzard . He pulled off the road and sought shelter with a man and woman who had a baby boy . " Percival rubbed his hands together . The fire had almost gone out as he told his story . It seemed everyone was too engrossed to have noticed . He walked over to the fireplace and tossed a log on top and stoked the fire again , then held his hands up to the flames for a few moments . " The snow continued off and on for a week . The Laramee family allowed him to stay and he traded them some goods for room and board . He said the poor family didn 't have much , so he felt truly blessed they were willing to share with him . " While he was there , he often spoke of Mama 's cooking . The night before he left , Mrs . Laramee tried frying up some latkes . Papa told us that even though there was no sugar to sweeten them , they were almost as good as Mama 's . When he told this to Mrs . Laramee , she blushed . " Several people raced to look out the windows . Charles strode to the front door and opened it a few inches . A sliver of dim light shone upon the snow that had been blown onto the platform . Oohs and aahas filled the room as the residents of Walnut Grove gazed upon the snow covered prairie . " Looks like we 'll all be walking home tomorrow , " said Charles , shutting the door before too much of the warmth escaped . " There 's no way to get wagons through that . " He reached his arm around Caroline 's waist . " I 'll take the horses home in the morning , do the chores , hitch them up to the cutter and then pick the rest of you up later . " Caroline glanced down at Carrie wrapped tightly in a blanket . She had fallen asleep without hearing the end of Percival 's story . " What about Christmas presents ? The kids will be so disappointed that Santa didn 't come . " Harriet marched over to her husband . She planted her fists on her round hips . " Don 't you think of giving anything else away , Nels Oleson . " Her right hand stretched in the direction of the food table . " We gave our fair share tonight . " " That 's not our problem , Nels . " Harriet puckered her lips as she shook her head . " You would give away everything in the store if I let you . " Nels clasped her hands in his . " I 'm not talking about giving things away . I 'll take a trip over to the store and pick up one thing for each child , something small , practical . Then we can add it to their bills . " " Maybe when you were a girl you never knew what it 's like to be disappointed at Christmas , Harriet , but other children have . We have a chance to make these kids happy . . to let them know they weren 't forgotten because of the blizzard . Isn 't Christmas the season of giving ? " Caroline smiled . " None of us are pregnant . We slept a bit , but we wanted to get the dishes washed and the coffee started before everyone else got up . " Laura pulled a chair out from the corner of the kitchen and dragged it over . " Sit down and I 'll get you a cup of coffee . " Nellie flashed her a look of gratitude . The three Ingalls women worked , and as more people woke up , other women wandered into the kitchen to help . Soon , the pounding of dozens of little feet thundered down the stairs . Squeals and giggles followed . The women wiped their hands on their aprons and pushed through the swinging door to enjoy Christmas morning with the rest of their friends . Reverend Alden read the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke , and then everyone bowed their heads in prayer . Then Nels sat down in a chair by the fireplace with a huge sack at his feet . The younger children lined up in front of him . As each child walked up , he reached into the sack and pulled out a present , wishing the child Merry Christmas . His lips were curled into a large smile that nearly met each of his ears . Caroline tapped Laura 's shoulder and discretely pointed . Laura followed her finger to see Harriet Oleson leaning against the staircase . One hand across her chest , the woman 's plump cheeks dimpled as she smiled . " Father is always a big kid at Christmastime . When Willie and I were little , Father would hide our gifts in the back of the store room on a top shelf so we couldn 't reach them . Of course , he didn 't realize what a good climber Willie was . " Nellie giggled . " One year , we went looking for our gifts after Mother and Father went to bed . Willie climbed up and looked in the usual place but there was nothing except a note that said , ' Santa is watching . ' I wonder how long he knew . " After the last child had been handed a gift , the women walked back into the kitchen to finish preparing food . Harriet strolled across the room to follow them , when she felt a familiar grip on her arm . She twirled around , her face lowered into a scowl . Nels pulled his other arm from behind his back . He lifted the square package wrapped in brown paper up to her . " This is for you . " His brown eyes gleamed with mischief . Harriet clutched the pearls at her throat and one of her fingers slid under the strand and tugged . Her mouth hung open . Nels dragged a chair over and helped her sit down . Harriet gazed up at him , her cheeks now rosy with the heat of her blush . Folding back the brown paper , she removed the top of the box and lifted out a brass container . On the cover was a mini - portrait of a beautiful woman wearing a white lace blouse and a feathered hat . When Harriet removed the top , she found a fluffy powder puff and powder inside . The box played a sweet , romantic tune . " I picked it up on my trip to Mankato last month . " He leaned against the door jamb . " I thought of you the minute I saw it . " They watched the families of Walnut Grove enjoying Christmas morning together . The children delighted in showing off their presents , and neighbors walked around the room , shaking hands and hugging each other . Harriet knew Nels hadn 't added the cost of the gifts to their accounts . Suddenly it didn 't matter . She felt especially blessed with her family and friends around her . |
Psssstttt . . . . . Hey . . . it 's me . I know , I know . . . I haven 't had anything to say for quite a while . To be honest , Dave does a really good job of speaking for both of us . Plus , he 's far more entertaining than I am ! ; PToday , I was off to see the Wizard , aka , Dr . K , my neurologist . It was time for another check - up . I told him that I was experiencing more numbness back in April , and that it felt as though things were getting worse again . Now , these sensations have seemed to have levelled out , and have backed off a bit . He said that he would still considered this " setback " to have occurred within the postpartum period , but basically , anything that happens now re : numbness , weakness , etc . , counts . SO , I still don 't know if it was " simple " Guillain - Barre Syndrome ( although my case was never simple ) , or if I 'm headed down a chronic path of CIDP ( Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy ) . I am scheduled for another nerve conduction study next Monday ( the electric shock therapy test ) , and that will be the true definer as to how I 'm really coming along . I have to give Dr . K kudos . . . I almost NEVER have to wait on him . I was about 20 minutes early for my appointment and got in immediately . He 's always very personable , to the point , and never pulls any punches , and if I needed to get in to see him , I would never have a long wait - 2 days at the most ! I 'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of this being a chronic condition , but the one thing ( of many ! ) that I 've learned is to not put the cart before the horse . After this , I headed to Shopper 's Drug Mart to mail off my first two tu - tu creations ! I am so excited about this and am really enjoying making these foofy creations for lucky little girls . I can 't believe how expensive it is to ship something . The tutu and packaging weighed . 090 kg . It cost me approximately $ 11 to ship this to Golden Prairie . Say What ? ! ? ? But get this ! It cost me approximately $ 9 to ship it to Edmonton , which is further away and in a different province ! I asked the post - mistress why the cost was dPosted by Things have been a bit quiet on the writing front here for a few days now . I think I blame the weather . It is getting seriously depressing . I think we 're all starting to go a bit stir crazy . Hopefully things turn around tomorrow . We used to have a university student come in and clean the house every two weeks when we were both working . However , with Julie on disability and me on parental leave , we decided that that would be one of the things we had to cut . Boy , do we miss her . It is so hard to get things done with the kids in the house . One wants this , one wants to help , then the first wants what the other has . Soon , there 's screaming and someones having a meltdown . And sometimes it 's one of the kids . Anyway , we decided that in order to get a handle on things today , Julie would take the kids out for a couple of hours , and I would clean . I worked like a dog , but I think I still got the easier deal . The three of them are definitely a challenge . Julie took them to Market Mall , and let them play in the little play centre there , and things seemed to go fairly well . She came home with all of them anyway . They even made some new friends . Ginny would go up to another little girl , get in her face , and say , " What 's your name ? " " Ava . " " Oh . " And then she would carry on her way . She 's got tact . Does the laundry ever end ? Here are some random observations of a four year old : I like ketchup , but I don 't like tomatoes . Isn 't that weird ? I like honey cheerios and honey ham , but I don 't like honey . Isn 't that weird ? I like peanut butter , but I don 't like peanuts . Isn 't that weird ? Here 's hoping we can get outside tomorrow . Later . Jorja had her piano recital today . I 'm pretty proud of her . At the start of the year , they were just learning where middle C is . Now she 's playing with both hands . So I was watching hockey this evening , and Don Cherry comes on . Jorja asks , " Does he always wear such a pretty coat ? " It 's amazing what passes for pretty when you 're four . Jorja has such an amazing memory . We watched Don Cherry once before and she was asking about him , so I was telling her . Today she says , " He was married to a girl named Rose , and now she died , and he always wears a rose to remember her . " Pretty amazing . Later . We are starting to think more seriously about toilet - training Ginny . We had some Pull - ups left from Jorja , so we started using those . We also bought some more today , as well as some panties . The new pull - ups have the newest Disney princess , Tiana , on them , and I think Jorja was a little put out by this . Anyway , we tried making her sit there a few times today to no avail . We told her to tell us when she had to go , and so far today , she told us three times after the fact that she was stinky . Oh well , it was only the first day . Shortly before supper today , the girls were playing ring around the rosey in the living room ( on the hardwood ) . When it came time to fall down , Jorja did a face plant . She said it was the floor , but I think it may have been Ginny 's knee . In any case , the poor kid 's nose is quite swelled up . It didn 't bleed , and you can apply pressure so I don 't think it 's broken , but it looks nasty . She may get a bit of a shiner out of it yet . I 'm not sure what that would do to the little princess . Just in time for her piano recital on Sunday . Fun and games . Later . This morning I went to work for a little visit / coffee / sanity break under the guise that I had to drop something off there . It was great to catch up with everyone . So this evening , Jorja asks me how my visit was with my friends today . Good , I say . " Did you ask them what kind of apples are their favourite ? " she asks . Hmmm , no that totally slipped my mind . This evening , after her bath , I was getting Ginny dressed . Sometimes after her diaper is on , and her bottoms are started , I get her to stand up on my knees while I pull them up . I always tell her to hold on to my head . Today , she looked at the top of my head , kind of stroked the side , and said , " You have such beautiful hair . " I haven 't heard that since the ' 80 's . Later Today was Jorja 's preschool graduation / year end party . The day was spent on a field trip to Market Mall . What better place to have a preschool trip than to a mall filled with old people . It was a great time though . Jorja woke this morning almost beside herself with excitement . Julie did her hair all fancy , and she was thrilled . So she and I set off for the school this morning ( the day started at 9 : 00 ) . We all boarded two school buses ( I forgot how much I dislike school buses ) and headed for the mall . First on the agenda was mini - golf . I was a bit worried about this - I didn 't know if she would enjoy it . But she had a blast . She has never held a golf club before , so it was interesting . I helped her with her first shot to show her how , and then she did most of it herself . Mind you , most of the holes she played resembled more of a poor example of stick handling than golf . As far as mini - golf courses go , this one was fairly tough , complete with sand traps and water hazards . A few holes had downhill slopes with water at the end , so I told her to just lightly tap it , and it would be all right . After that , she kept asking me on her first shot if she should shoot it light or hard . Like it made a difference . If she thought the ball was heading for trouble , she ran after it and stopped it . It was pretty cute . At one point , she told me I could call her Miss Shooter . After the golf , we killed some time in the mall , and then Julie , Ginny and CeCe met us for lunch . There was enough fundraising that every preschooler , one sibling , and two parents got a free meal . The meal consisted of 2 chicken fingers and fries for adults , and 1 chicken finger and fries for kids . After lunch , it was off to the children 's ' museum for the program and some craft / play time . Jorja sang her heart out during the program , and was thrilled to get her ' diploma ' . After that , there was a craft , some structured play time , and lots of free time . They had a whole outdoor scene with a canoe , tent , logs and red ribbon for a fire . The girls enjoyed the canoe , and Dave This morning after breakfast , Ginny came to me and told me that she was stinky . I was in the middle of unloading and loading the dishwasher and told her I would change her right away . Well , I got side - tracked and forgot all about it . She was ready to get dressed , so I found her some clothes , and told her she could take off her pajamas . So she did , and was running around in her diaper for a while . Then she and Jorja went downstairs . Several minutes later , Jorja came running upstairs and says , " Daddy , Ginny took her diaper off and there 's poop on the ottoman ! " Then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing . I came downstairs to find Ginny standing there holding her diaper , and there was a turd on the ottoman . Thank goodness it was a solid one and that the ottoman is fake leather . This could have been sooooo much worse . Later . This afternoon , I took Jorja and Ginny to the Shrine Circus here in town . I only vaguely remember going to a circus once when I was a kid . I think they were probably a bit young - Jorja wasn 't too bad , but it was a bit much for Ginny . First of all , it was at 2 : 00 in the afternoon , so she is kind of tired at that time ( we 've been napping her every other day ) . We got there plenty early , but there was already a big line - up . We ran into someone that Jorja goes to preschool with , and his Dad gave me a free ticket , and preschoolers were free anyway , so the price was right . The line moved fairly quickly into the tent , but then we had to sit . We were about 20 minutes early , and then at about 5 to , they announced they were going to start later because there was still a big line up outside . So they didn 't start till 2 : 15 , and by that time , even Jorja was getting pretty antsy . Plus it was smoking hot in there . And kind of stinky . My guess is the elephants . I thought cotton candy would be a nice treat . Apparently not . Ginny took one bite , and got the most revolted look on her face . I thought she was going to puke . Who knew ? Before the show started , they were offering elephant rides ( we didn 't go ) . Watching the elephants circle was entertaining for a bit , but the thrill of watching these lethargic , old elephants walk around in circles wore off far before the show started . We were talking before it started , and Ginny was asking what kind of animals there were going to be . I had read the program , so I knew there would be dogs , horses and elephants . I told her there would be puppies . " Oh , " she said , " What else ? Chickens ? " No , no chickens . That would have been entertaining though . It was kind of hard for Ginny to see , and she can only sit still on my lap for so long . In the end , she was just as happy dancing in front of her chair to the music . To make a long story short , we ended up leaving at the intermission . Maybe we 'll try again in a few years . Later . Today was a cold and miserable day . Rain , rain , and more rain . Well , most of the rain was last night , but it was still cold and miserable today . To get a little bit of fresh air , I took the girls out for a little walk with umbrellas . They thought that was pretty cool . Ginny held hers kind of in front of her face , and couldn 't see where she was going . It was just kind of misting at the time , so the umbrellas were more of a novelty than a necessity , but it was fun all the same . Julie made the girls some tutus , which they enjoyed prancing around in . They 're cute , but they 're no ballerinas . Not yet anyway . They seem to lack a little coordination and balance . And grace . Yesterday was Jorja 's second last piano lesson . Next weekend is one more lesson and then the recital . Everything is ending for the summer . Preschool is done Wednesday , two more weeks of Sunday school . It 's hard to believe she 's going to be 5 this summer . This is kind of boring , but it 's been a lazy couple of days here . Later . Posted by Today was Jorja 's last day of preschool ( except for the full - day year end party next week ) and as part of the celebration , there were balloons . They each got to take one balloon home , which wouldn 't be that bad if you weren 't walking a couple of blocks in a strong wind . We were walking home and I was pulling the wagon with Ginny and CeCe in it and Jorja was walking , clutching her balloon . We were actually talking about the ' mortality ' of balloons and that they are fun to play with for a while , but don 't last that long . Sometimes they pop , sometimes they just go flat , but they don 't last forever . We had no sooner finished this talk than the balloon got away from her , and it went flying ( I 'm lucky it wasn 't filled with helium ) . Oh , the irony . For one brief moment , she looked as though she would be okay with losing it , and then the reality of the situation set in and she started to cry . I 'm talking about the talk - show type ' ugly cry ' . It was loud and it was strong . Then for whatever reason , I decided to abandon the two children in the wagon ( don 't worry , I told Ginny to stay there ) and chase down the balloon . It was going pretty good , but I was gaining on it , until I saw the bus . It narrowly escaped and paused briefly and then took off in a wild swirl in the wake of the bus . Now it was in the middle of a busy street . Another truck was coming , but I went for it , and a couple of houses past the busy street , I got it . I then turned around and realized how far I was away from the wagon , which Ginny was still sitting in much to my surprise . I ran back , and held the balloon for the rest of the walk home . This same balloon is now wedged in behind the computer desk and virtually forgotten about . But I got it . I fired up the rototiller during preschool today , and it worked great . I got quite a bit done , but three years of neglect makes for some pretty tough going . It looks good now though , ready for some veggies . Julie made spaghetti and sauce for supper tonight ( she make great spaghetti sauce ) . We don 't usually eat actual spaPosted by Today was a first - I took all three girls out by myself . Julie is suffering from a bit of a stomach flu and didn 't feel like venturing out this morning . So I took the plunge - packed them all up and headed for Walmart . I escaped relatively unscathed , the girls were somewhat well behaved ( I only had to threaten them once ) , and all in all , it was a success . Except that it started to rain quite hard while we were in the store , so we had to run for the car not really dressed for the rain . I don 't like getting wet . The weather got a bit better for a while after lunch , so I took to tackling the dandelions once again . It 's amazing how many there are . Jorja and Ginny came out too to keep me company , and were playing there own little game . Well , Jorja was anyway . The two of them were princesses and I was the step - father . She told me exactly what my lines should be and how I should act . " Daddy , just say ' Get back in the house and do your chores ! ' " It made my part very easy . Eventually I asked her why I was the step - father . She replied , " Because you 're mean . " I think Disney needs to rethink their evil step - parent philosophy . Apparently all step - parents are getting a bad rap . Later on today , we got quite a good thunderstorm complete with some hail . Seeing as how the girls have never seen hail before , I called them to the door to check it out . I 've always enjoyed watching hail . They didn 't seem to share my enthusiasm . They looked , said ' Oh yeah ' and went back to what they were doing ( Jorja was playing computer games , and Ginny just leaving a path of carnage in her wake ) . I think my addiction to Glee is having some detrimental effects on the girls . I have to admit that I usually buy at least one song that they do every week . I 've always kind of had a soft spot for Vanilla Ice , so I bought their version of ' Ice Ice Baby ' . I know , it 's not something I 'm proud of . Anyway , the girls have kind of taken a liking to it and Ginny walks around singing it a lot . ' do - do - do - do - do - do - do , Vanilla Ice Ice Baby ' What have I done ? I bought a rotoPosted by Today was another hot day - must have been close to 30 . Here 's a picture of the girls driving their Jeep yesterday . We took a trip to Canadian Tire this afternoon to get some stuff for the yard . Our hoses were shot , so we needed a couple of new ones . Also , much to the delight of Jorja , we are growing a bumper dandelion crop . I 'm not sure the neighbours will share her enthusiasm though , so we bought the Fiskar weed puller . I don 't usually get excited about such things , but this thing is awesome . Mind you , I just tried it a little bit to check it out , and it was kind of fun . I guess the true test will be after the front lawn is tackled . Then I may be a bit more pro - chemical . I finally turned the water on in the backyard to hook up the hose , and the pipe leading to the underground sprinklers is split wide open . I 'm not sure how it happened , because they were blown out in the fall . Anyway , I 'm not impressed , mostly because I don 't know anything about soldering . So tonight was Jorja 's second soccer practice / game . There were no tears this time , so that was a plus . She actually kicked a ball around with another little girl before the game . This is huge . She 's not very outgoing with other kids usually . She even asked her her name . I was impressed . The game itself was a thriller and by thriller I mean kind of painful to watch . Well , it wasn 't that bad I guess . But the only action shots I have of her were taken in the pregame warm - up . She kind of got involved in the play briefly , but the thing she was most excited about was the blade of red grass that she found . I was so proud when she came running to the sideline in the middle of the play to show it to me . The only saving grace I have is that there were no dandelions on the field . Anyway , I guess it 's time to go out and check out the dandelions before dark . Then it 's back in to watch Glee . Later . I 'm not really sure what to write about today . Julie granted me a reprieve and went with Jorja to preschool today . We 've been napping Ginny every few days , and thought she could use one today . So I put her down for a nap , held CeCe while she slept , and dozed in front of the TV for an hour . It was heaven . After preschool , the girls took turns driving their new car around the backyard . Not really any better today - lots of " Dad , I 'm stuck . . . Ouch ! Dad , Ginny drove over my toes . " I ended up putting a couple of rocks in the back of it , it seems like they are a little too light to get good traction . It looks like a 4x4 jeep , but only one wheel spins . So here are some pictures of our three girls , all round the same age . Any guesses as to who is who ? Later . We had what seemed like a fairly busy weekend . Thankfully there were no more major bodily function mishaps . We had enough of those on Friday . Let me start with a picture of Jorja from this morning . She had a new hairpiece , and was pretty proud of it , and looking pretty cute if I do say so myself . This weekend was the Parkridge Community garage sale , so there were tons of garage sales in the area . Friday night , I bought a hedge trimmer , and started attacking the unruly cedars in front of our house . It worked pretty good , I just have to get a ladder out now . Saturday morning , we set our again , and ended up buying a pool for the backyard . It 's above ground , 4 feet high , 12 feet across , and should take up a fairly good chunk of our backyard . It 's a good thing our grass is so poor anyway . We could have had it set up already , it was so nice out . On our way home from church this morning , we thought we would drive around a bit , just to see if there were any more deals to be had . We ended up spotting a battery powered jeep for the girls to drive . It was a bit too big to fit in the back of our SUV , so I rode in the back with it holding the hatch down till we got home . Thankfully we didn 't encounter any police officers - I may have had to drive it home . We took it out to the backyard , and the girls had a blast . Ginny was so funny . She didn 't get the hang of steering , but figured out the forward / reverse thing . It looked like the scene from Austin Powers when he is trying to turn around this cart in a narrow hallway . She would drive straight ahead until she hit something , spin for a while , and then hammer it into reverse . She would go until she hit something , spin for awhile , and then slam it back into forward . It was pretty amusing . The girls were playing outside this afternoon , and I thought I should go investigate . I happened upon a bit of a performance . They had their four little chairs set up in a row to observe the show , one seated a soccer ball , one had a watering can , one had a Nemo sprinkler , and the last had another baPosted by Today was , shall we say interesting . It all began normal enough . The morning was pretty standard - Jorja and Ginny were playing dress - up , and Ginny was the prince . I wonder how much longer it is before she refuses to be the boy . Maybe by that time , they will be able to boss around CeCe . On the way home from preschool , Jorja was telling us that she got to hold her teacher 's mice . She has kept the mice at the school for a while now , I think since she got a cat , and is looking for a home for them . Anyway , Jorja says that while she was holding the mouse , it pooped in her hand . She didn 't seem that grossed out by it , which was kind of surprising . " It 's okay , " she said , " I just had to use hand appetizer . " Well , I guess as long as you used hand appetizer , it should be good . Later on , I was getting burgers ready to BBQ , and Julie had just finished feeding CeCe . She was holding her standing on her lap , facing outward . Well , CeCe thought this would be a good time to have a fairly large spit - up . All down Julie 's shirt , capri pants , legs , feet and the carpet . Yup , it was a gooder . Julie decided that would be a good time to take a shower . That brings us to the BBQ . I was standing out there , flipping the burgers . Suddenly , I feel something hit the top of my head , and then there was a white splat on the side of the BBQ . Are you kidding me ? I couldn 't believe it . A bird actually shit on my head . Do I have a bulls eye on my bald spot ? I didn 't think that actually ever happened to people . I had to make sure , so I came in to get Julie to check . I asked her if there was something on the top of my head . Apparently the piece that struck me was black because she asked if I burnt myself . She then made a move to touch it . " DON ' T " I said . " Why ? Does it hurt ? " I then explained what happened . She laughed and I went to wash my head off . Then we went for a walk after supper to check out some garage sales in the neighbourhood . We had just walked in the door , and I was bending over to help Ginny with her sandals . Jorja was standing there , kind of bPosted by This morning , I was cleaning up in the kitchen after breakfast and the girls had gone downstairs to play . Soon , they came back up , and Jorja informed me that her name was Diamond , Ginny 's name was Jewel , and that we would be getting married this evening . Oh , I asked ? " Yes Dad , you will be my wedding boy , and Ginny is my kid . What 's your name ? " I asked if I was a prince , because usually when she wants to get married , she is a princess and wants to marry a prince . " No , " she said , " you 're just my wedding boy . " I decide my name would be Alexander . She then shakes my hand and says nice to meet you . Hmmm . . . we 're getting married , we just met , and she has a kid . The whole thing seems a little sketchy to me . And it turns out Diamond is kind of a jealous little thing . I walked into the other room and started talking to Julie . Diamond walks in , puts her hand on her hip and says , " So , who is this ? Is she a friend of yours ? " Well , apparently it 's time for my wedding . Later . The past two days , Ginny has gone without a nap . It all started yesterday afternoon . Julie had to go to a physio appointment right after lunch . So I went to put Ginny down for a nap . She is so independent these days , and if she can 't do something herself , it results in huge hysterics . Falling down on the floor kicking and screaming . Going totally limp when you are trying to carry her . Where do kids learn that ? Is it instinct ? It 's very effective at any rate . I forget what set her off , but she was not happy . We always start time by singing a couple of songs , which she picks . She didn 't want to pick any , and did not take kindly to any of my suggestions . So finally I had had enough , and just put her into bed . But you can 't put her into bed , she has to get in herself . Now she sleeps in a toddler bed , so it 's like six inched off the ground . Well , you 'd think she was scaling Mount Everest to get in when she doesn 't want to . Yet she can climb to the top of the play centre in the backyard with no issues . Funny how that works . Anyway , we were getting nowhere with going to bed , and CeCe was waking up and ready to eat , and I was by myself , so I finally told her that if she wasn 't napping to go downstairs . Julie got home about an hour later , and everyone had calmed down by that time . She said she never would have guessed . At least it appeared that I had everything together . So when I took Jorja to soccer , Julie stayed home with the other two , and had Ginny in bed and asleep before 7 : 00 with no issues . So we thought we would try it again today , and it went reasonably well . If this does work out ( and I know enough not to let two days be enough of a trial ) , it will be nice to have more of an evening without children back . The Shaw guy came today , and the internet seems to be better , but I 'm still not happy with the TV . I 'll have to call again once I calm down . Anyhow , it 's late , and I should be sleeping . Everyone else is . Later . Let me start by saying we had internet troubles today . When I say troubles , I mean it didn 't work . At all . I called Shaw , who we switched to last week , and they couldn 't do anything over the phone . They have to send a technician out . It just so happens that one was already coming tomorrow . Our HD TV kind of sucks . The sales guy said it would be better than Sasktel , the installer said it would be better . It is no where near as good . It 's all pixely and very disappointing . So I called about that this morning , and they said they would send someone out tomorrow - they probably need to boost the signal . Julie said she was surprised that I called , and I said I don 't like my HD being messed with . I hope all this gets sorted out , because so far I 'm regretting switching . They 're coming between 9 and 12 . Tonight was the first soccer game , and I forgot the camera . I took Jorja by myself just because Ginny wasn 't having a very good day , and we didn 't want to try to contain her for the whole game . The team name is the Parkridge Parakeets . Really ? Really ? The parakeets ? Could they have come up with a lamer animal . It didn 't seem very intimidating playing the Caswell Cougars . I couldn 't believe how much bigger Jorja looked than last year . Her shin pads actually fit . The shorts didn 't come down past her knees . She looked pretty good . I won 't go into all the details , but there were some tears , some coming and trying to sit on my lap saying she was tired , some saying I have to pee . If you remember my piano lesson post about how she doesn 't like to try new things and not be good , it will make sense . Anyhow , I talked her into going back , and there was one brief shining moment when she actually kicked the ball . Twice . While on a breakaway . It went wide , but she actually ran and touched the ball . It 's already better than last year . I guess we 'll see what the rest of the season brings . Anyhow , I 've got to go watch Glee now , which we have PVRed . That 's the one thing I am enjoying so far . Later . After preschool today , we went to Walmart to get some new runners for Jorja . Soccer starts tomorrow , and she doesn 't have any . We had decided that it didn 't really pay to buy cleats , so we were just going to get her some regular runners . I tried on some brand name ones that were in the $ 20 range , but they didn 't have velcro or laces , just kind of an elasticized tongue . They were next to impossible to get on over her soccer socks . And I 'm not about to get her anything with laces - that 's just too much work . So I found a pair of no name velcro ones for $ 8 . I 'm not opposed to spending more money - if I really believed the shoes would make any difference in her soccer - playing ability , I would buy them . But the $ 8 ones fit good , and I asked her if they were good enough . She looked at me , looked at the shoes and said , " Yup , they have pink on them . " Enough said . We also had to pick up some new plastic pails for playing in the dirt in the backyard . On the weekend , we were playing soccer , when I inadvertently stepped on the ' carebear ' one . It spent all last summer outside , the winter in the shed , and most of the spring outside . The plastic was so brittle , it basically exploded under my foot . Well , I thought the world was going to end . Jorja cried . . . and cried . . . and cried . Even upon my insisting that we would get new pails , she said thinking about the carebear one still made her sad . I even said we would get two pails - one for each of them - to replace this one sacred pail . Finally she agreed . So today we walk into Walmart , and they have lots of summer stuff in a section right by the front doors . I walk down the aisle without pointing anything out , and see some princess pails for $ 4 . 93 each . I couldn 't believe it was going to cost me ten bucks to replace this brittle , old pail . So we walked to the toy section , and I ended up spotting some for a buck . And they had pink , so all was well . CeCe had been kind of fussy , so Julie stayed home with her . Lately , when I go somewhere with just the two girls , they insist in driving the rPosted by I call this post Mother 's Day weekend , because we 've kind of been celebrating all weekend ( Julie deserves it ) . It all started when I called around last weekend and realized that I was too late to make a reservation somewhere nice for mother 's day . Who knew ? I guess people are organized . So we thought in lieu of mother 's day brunch , we 'd go out for supper on Friday night . We went to Tony Roma 's and it was nice . The girls were reasonably well behaved . They get an ' appetizer ' with the kids ' meal there - Kraft crackers and cheez whiz . I think that was the highlight for Ginny . She used that little red stick and got every last bit of cheese product out of that container . It 's weird , because they never eat cheez whiz at home . Friday morning , Jorja decided to make Julie a Mother 's day card . She also decided to give Julie one of her pens . She had finished the card , and came down to the family room , where Julie and I were sitting . " Mom , close your eyes . " She then proceeds to ' whisper ' how she made Mom a card , Ginny made one , and she had made one for CeCe to give to Julie . And she had found the perfect gift - a pen with a heart and feathers on the top that lights up when you press on it . This pen was Jorja 's but she had decided to give it to Julie , ' because Dad , I have like four pens , and I don 't need that many , so Mom can have this one . ' It 's hard to argue with logic like that . It 's good to see I 'm raising a Mennonite . She then tells me that she is going to go hide all the loot in her closet , and runs off to do so . She then returns to tell Julie not to look in her closet , because that 's where the surprise was . She 's got a lot to learn yet . Saturday I took Jorja to piano lessons . She goes every Saturday at noon . It 's a crappy time for the lesson , but she seems to be enjoying herself for the most part , and does pretty good . She can play with both hands now . It 's amazing how much they learn in a year . Her only problem is that she doesn 't like not being good . So any time they learn something new , it 's a struggle to get her to dPosted by Doesn 't this title sound like an essay that we would have written in Grade 5 ? Tomorrow is Mother 's Day . I am now a mother , so I am legitimately remembered on this day . But I have to be honest . It feels weird . I think that this may be the first Mother 's Day out of the 5 that I have been at my home with Dave and the girls to celebrate it . I 've either been away at a conference ( this happened twice ) , or we 've been at my folk 's house , as this is the weekend that the Mother - Daughter Salad Supper happens . There is a flurry of excitement in the house , especially from Jorja . She 's been telling me that there are surprises hidden for me in her and Ginny 's closet , so I can 't go in there and look , but I 'll be getting them tomorrow . So , no peeking , Mommy ! I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers today , and yesterday , we went out for an early Mother 's Day supper . I truly am spoiled ! Why does it feel weird ? I don 't know . I am having feelings of inadequacy , as though I don 't deserve to be celebrated , because I 'm really not a great mom . Sure , I get by - the kids are clothed , hair is brushed , food is on the table , etc , etc , but a lot of this is because they also have a really great dad ! I think that Dave and I balance each other out , but it 's more of a 65 / 35 split . . . . where I 'm slightly below average , he 's in the exceptional / gifted status . Don 't get me wrong - I love my girls , and would do anything for them . I just think that I don 't score high in the super mom quotient . I guess that 's okay but the important thing is that I am continually trying to do my best , and am always striving to be a better Momma - more patience , less annoyance , more attention , less frustration , more understanding , more laughter , and more love . That being said , I hope that my girls grow up to be exceptional young ladies , knowing that their Momma loved them to the best of her ability . I hope that they grow up to have the wonderful kind of relationship with me that I have with my Mom . I hope that , someday , they will get to experience the joy that comes with being a moPosted by Today we had a few errands to run . Julie had something to take back to Sears , and I had to take our TV and internet stuff back to Sasktel . We switched to Shaw today - they had a really good deal that lasts for a year , so we thought we 'd try it . So far so good . I love PVR - it 's awesome . Anyway , back to the story . There is a Sasktel store in the Confed mall , and the Dollar store there is a Sears outlet , so that 's where we went . Julie took CeCe into the Dollar store , and I kept the other two girls with me . We were done slightly before Julie , so I was letting them play on those little loonie rides in the middle of the mall . Julie came out shortly after and wanted to go into Mark 's , so I let the girls keep playing . There was a ' hotdog truck ' that had a front seat , and a back seat off to the side that had some buttons by it that still made sound even without putting in any money . Jorja had decided that she was the driver , and that Ginny should sit in the back and not push the buttons . Yeah right . Ginny was pushing buttons and Jorja was reaching back trying to tell her to stop and pretty soon hands and pony tails are flying everywhere and they are both screaming ( and I mean screaming ) at each other . That was the end of playing in the truck . I pulled Ginny out and told Jorja to get out as well . She said no . I told her that if she didn 't get out , I was going to take something away ( we 've been having some listening issues lately , but that is another whole story ) . She again said no , so I told her that she couldn 't do any puzzles tomorrow . Well , then the wailing really started . I said we were going to find Mom ( because I didn 't want to keep all this joy to myself ) . So we set off for Mark 's , me holding Ginny while she was crying and Jorja pulling up the rear , still crying . We get to the entrance to Mark 's , and Jorja refuses to come in . I ask her if I need to take something else away . Well , then the wailing really starts . It 's a good thing we were in the Confed mall , and since Walmart left , the mall is pretty dead . Shorty aftPosted by Well , today we took the girls for haircuts . They were absolutely thrilled . It was Ginny 's first time , and she did great . She even got it straightened . Jorja just got a trim , and the the stylist put it into a braid for her . She was pretty proud of that . We got bangs cut for Ginny , and it 's amazing how different it made her look . She is so cute , if I do say so myself . The girls have decided that they want to shower the past two days . It was actually Ginny 's idea , and then Jorja decided that if her little sister could do it , she could too . Ginny has been sitting on the toilet for a bit before bath time lately . She was before CeCe was born , but then quit after , and now she 's slowly warming up to the idea . She wants to ' pee in panties . ' I try to explain to her that you don 't pee in panties , you have to pee in the potty . Anyway , yesterday she sat there for a while and actually squeezed out a few drops . Well , the excitement from that must have sealed her up a little prematurely . She went running from the bathroom naked bragging of her feat . She ended up going up to the kitchen , and I 'm not exactly how things work down there , but all of a sudden , there was this stream coming out almost straight forward from her . And there was a lot left . At least it was on the lino and not the carpet . Well , this shocked her pretty good , but we managed to keep her from getting too traumatized by it . Jorja had preschool today , and it must have been a good day because she talked non - stop all the way home . She was just hyper . They were learning about teeth today , and made a craft out of apples where they iced marshmallow teeth into the apple and got to eat it there . She also got this cheap little toothbrush , and proceeded to come home and want to throw her spinbrush in the garbage . If we bought her a plain , red toothbrush , there is no way she would ever be that excited about it . I think that 's about it for today . Later . The last time we were at Julie 's parents ' place , Julie 's brother and his wife were there as well . One afternoon , they went out gopher hunting . This was the first time Jorja had ever seen a gun . Fast forward to yesterday when Jorja was watching ' The princess and the frog ' ( the new Disney movie ) . There is a scene where some bad guys have some guns . She says to me , ' Those are what Uncle and Auntie had when they were going to get the squirrels . ' Well , tonight was supposed to be Jorja 's first soccer practice . But it 's been snowing here all day . The ground is now white . What is up with that ? Are farts innately funny ? It seems that the girls have found them funny right from the start . Today after supper , I was getting ready to wipe Ginny up before she left the table . I usually swing her chair with the booster seat out , so she is looking right at me . Well today , I move her chair , she looks me right in the eye , pushes her right arm down on the arm rest to lift her cheek , and proceeds to let out this loud ripper . What was I going to do ? There was no way I could keep a straight face over that . Bedtime continues to be an issue - it appears the stickers are not incentive enough for Ginny . How can kids be so cute and funny one minute , and so frustrating the next . The girls are booked in for hair cuts in the morning tomorrow . We took Jorja to this stylist once before , and she was great with her , so we thought we 'd try it again . Ginny has never had a hair cut , not even a trim , so we 'll see how that goes . It should be all right . For how rough and tumble she is , she really likes the girly stuff too . Anyhow , I am sooo ready for this weather to turn . We are all beginning to go a bit stir crazy here . Later . I 've got to be honest , the reason I didn 't write anything yesterday was that I was too irritated . By the time the girls were in bed and asleep , I was done . Let 's just say that Ginny didn 't get a sticker this morning . CeCe was not very happy most of the day - she 's been such a good baby , we 've been spoiled . We were at the Pet Land in Stonebridge yesterday afternoon , and she screamed the whole way home , just inconsolable . Today has been a much better day , except for the usual few hiccups . We went to church this morning , and that was good . The girls really love going now . Jorja has had such awesome Sunday school teachers all along , and Ginny loves to go play in the ' toddwer woom ' . She knows most of the other kids names , and talks about going to play with them . We went to Jerry 's for breakfast / lunch after church ( we go to the early service , so we 're done by 10 : 30 ) . We sat in the back by the new kids ' play area , and let the girls go play before our food came . I 've got to say , it was the most relaxing time we 've had in a restaurant probably since we had kids . There was no telling them to sit still / quit drinking all your chocolate milk / stop fighting with your sister / put that down / do you want to go sit in the car ? / leave your sister alone . They were well behaved , we could see them , but couldn 't hear them ( and we were within earshot , so that was good ) . There was no fighting , just getting along . It was nice . On the downside , CeCe was ready for her bottle , so Julie was feeding her . There 's one thing I should know by now after three kids is to always have a change of clothes for the baby in the diaper bag . This is a rule we usually live by , but I forgot to replace the clothes after our last explosive outing . Just as our name was being called saying our food was ready , Julie noticed a discolouration on CeCe 's tights . Oh oh . I took her to the bathroom to change her , and it wasn 't good . The diaper shirt was affected as well as the tights , and there was nothing in the diaper bag . So I changed her , put her poopy clothes back on , aPosted by We 've been in Lloydminster for just over a week now . There are still quite a few boxes to unpack , but we are slowly getting there . Th . . . I realize that it 's been over three months since I last wrote anything again . A lot has happened and it 's been an emotional ride . We . . . I spend pretty much all my time on here talking about our kids . Today I 'm going to mix it up and talk about someone else - Julie . My w . . . As adults , some of us are lucky enough to have grandparents . I 've still got two and up until last week , so did Julie . Julie 's grandm . . . |
It was June 22 , 1941 . At five o ' clock in the morning , we heard the sound of shooting . All of us who were in the house quickly got dressed . My brother and I went outside to see what happened . All the neighbors were already standing outside , but they also didn 't know what was going on . And suddenly we knew : war ! ! ! Germany was attacking Russia ! Immediately , we got the idea that we should hide the expensive household items underground , as we had done in 1939 . By chance , our mother was not in the house at that time . She had traveled a few days before to Bialystok to the dentist . My brother a lad of 15 , my stepfather , my little brother ( from my stepfather ) , and I aged 16 , began to pack our possessions . Suddenly , we heard an enormous explosion . We left the possessions in the middle of the room , grabbed our little brother , and ran outside . There , we saw a horrible sight . A few of the neighbors , who had stood and talked with us only an hour ago , were wounded , and others were lying dead , as a result of the bomb that the Germans had dropped from the air . Among those who were killed , I recognized Rosa , 15 years old , Rosachatzky 's only granddaughter . Chana Beila , the daughter of Zeev , the shoemaker , who had gotten married only three months ago , was thrown on the ground and her leg was cut off . Her husband , Arye , the son of Yossel Yarmus , was trying to carry her on his back so he could bring her to the hospital . She cried out in pain , in a heartbreaking voice . We did not go back into our house , but ran through the fields to the villages , Jews and Poles together . Towards evening , the Germans arrived in our area . We returned to the town . The Poles who had fled with us in the morning quickly distanced themselves from us when they heard that the Germans had arrived . When we arrived back home , we saw that our house was on fire . We remained naked and barefoot , lacking everything . We no longer had clothing , bedding , or household utensils . The houses of our grandmother and uncle were also burnt down , but they succeeded in rescuing part of the clothing and other household items , while other people were killed and bullets whistled around them . My Uncle , Avraham Krasnovorsky , brought his possessions to the cellar of the brown house that belonged to Staczek [ a Pole ] . Meanwhile , our mother had returned from Bialystok . She already had thought we were dead and cried from an excess of happiness and joy when she saw all of us alive , whole , and healthy . She was not at all sorry that the house and our possessions had been burnt . She immediately began to run among the farmers with whom she was acquainted in the villages , so as to buy a bit of food for us . My mother decided to send me to her sister in Wysokie - Mazowieckie . She and my brother accompanied me to the road leading to Mazowieckie , and there we parted with sighs and kisses . I walked , with a few other Jews , from Ciechanowiec to Mazowieckie . After a few weeks , my two uncles , Pesach and Manes , my mother 's brothers , came to visit me . They suggested that I come with them to Sokoly , since I was familiar with sewing . In 1939 , I completed my learning of the sewing profession at the ORT School in Bialystok , and my uncles had a lot of things to sew . At the beginning of 1942 , my uncle 's wife gave birth to twins , a boy , and a girl . I would run at three o ' clock in the morning to the Polish farms , so as to bring fresh milk for the babies and the bigger children . I also would go with my Aunt Leah to the forests around Sokoly , to bring twigs and branches to stock the stove for winter heating , and for cooking . It was impossible at that time to acquire meat and oil in Sokoly . These provisions could be bought in Wysokie - Mazowieckie , for cash . Thus , my aunt would send me there to shop . A friend and I frequently went on foot to Wysokie - Mazowieckie , a distance of sixteen kilometers . There we would buy 25 kilos of meat , a bottle of oil , and some fat . We packed everything into two bundles , tied together in such a way that it was possible to carry the double package on our shoulders , one in front and one behind . We went on our way early in the evening , and walked all night . Panic set in immediately . Should we really flee and leave our homes and possessions ownerless ? Two of my friends came to me and suggested that I join them and flee to the village of Budziska . My aunt also agreed to flee to the forest . I took one infant in my arms and my aunt took the second one , and she led her two small children by the hand . My aunt locked the house , took the keys with her , and all of us went to the other aunt 's house . There , they also were prepared to flee to the woods . My Grandmother , Kineka Tabak , remained in the house with Uncle Pesach . She said , Go , my children , go to the forest , and I will watch over the house ! W reached the Bialystok Forest , trembling with cold . O r Aunt Toiba , her husband , Alter Digholtz , the son of Zalmanke , and their two - year - old daughter Shifrale , sat there with us . T iba cried out , If we have to die , I want to die in my house , in my bed ! I m going back home ! The got up and went back in the direction of Sokoly . U Every moment , new Jews arrived from the town to hide here . My Uncle Manes decided to go to his permanent job in Lapy . Otherwise , he said , the Germans can , G - d forbid , destroy all of the Jews in the town . Toward dawn , he and a number of other young men went in the direction of the train station . Suddenly , we heard the sound of shooting . The workers who had gone to [ wait for ] the train saw SS officers from a distance , shooting their weapons . They immediately turned back the way they had come , and returned to the forest . Toward morning , we went deeper into the forest , to get farther and farther away from the town . On the way , we found some pillows and blankets , and in one of them there was a little boy , well wrapped up . The parents of the boy , or anyone else taking care of him , were nowhere around . We didn 't know to whom the boy belonged . On our way , we met up with many Jews who had come from Sokoly . My Tabak grandparents had lived for a long time in America . There , two children were born to them . After a long time , they returned to Poland and bought a farm in the village of Sokolda . They had a house , a barn , fields , and a forest . As mentioned above , they lived in Sokolda until 1934 , when their neighbors , the [ Polish ] farmers , burned down their house . Grandmother Kineka moved to live in Sokoly with her sons and grandchildren , where she had lived since then . Now , we were going to the village of Sokolda to seek shelter and a roof over our heads . Uncle Pesach promised that in that village he had Polish friends , his friends since boyhood , who were faithful and devoted . Certainly , he said , there we will get shelter and help , and they will even employ our daughters with housework . Wi hout a doubt , there we will be organized until the danger will pass and the hard times will end . We andered only during the night , and during the days we hid among the bushes . Aft Snow began to fall , and outside it was very cold . The babies cried and wailed , and were dying in their mother 's arms . They tried to give them a sip of cold milk , but they didn 't want to drink . For five days , they had been existing on a bit of powdered sugar that was put into their mouths from time to time . We all saw that they were dying in our hands and decided that there was no other choice but to leave them to the kindness of passers - by . We remained for a short while at the edge of the village , and my two uncles went to knock on the doors of their friends , the farmers . We impatiently waited for their return . Finally , they came back and told us that a Christian friend had told them that there were informers in the village , who worked for the Germans , and the Jews should be careful and not walk around in the village ; they absolutely should not visit his house . If they find a Jew in a Christian house , they will kill [ both ] the Jew and the one who gave him shelter , [ including ] his family . The farmer advised them to come to him at midnight when everyone would be asleep and no one would see them . He promised to give them a meal and to let them sleep in his barn . Meanwhile , he gave them some food for the road , a bit of bread . We tasted the bread , and continued to walk . Outside it was terribly cold . It was impossible to [ remain ] in the forest , and [ so ] we entered a village . One Christian gave us food and allowed us to sleep one night in his barn . He asked if one of us knew how to sew . He agreed that I , a professional seamstress , would remain to work at his place . All the others continued to wander and search for shelter and a roof over their heads . I worked at sewing in the farmer 's house for three days , and I felt like I was in paradise . I slept in the kitchen on a straw mattress and was given good food . On the fourth day , at three o ' clock in the morning , the owner of the house woke me up and requested that I leave his house immediately . He excused his decision , saying that there were Germans going around in the area who had come to collect the crop taxes . Outside , it was very dark ; I wasn 't familiar with the roads , how and where to go ? In my heart , I felt sad and depressed . I went wherever my feet took me until morning , when I saw a wood and next to it , a small house . I entered the house . I saw a farm woman , who was sitting and spinning wool with a hand machine . On a simple farmer 's seat sat a young girl , plucking feathers . I immediately recognized [ my cousin ] Penina , my Uncle Pesach 's daughter . Penina told me that her father had met a farmer acquaintance named Czinowski who was cutting trees in the forest . The farmer promised to take his daughter Penina in as a housemaid . She looked like a Christian , but spoke a stammering Polish . Because of that they devised the strategy of presenting her as being deaf . Thus , she sat and plucked feathers . To the question of the neighbors , who is the girl ? the farmer answered that she is a relative , a deaf girl , and he is employing her as a housemaid . I asked Penina if the owner of the house would agree to also employ me for a few days . She answered that today , the owner of the house traveled to the market , and he would be back that evening . According to Penina , the housewife was kind and good - hearted , compared to her husband , who was crazy and sometimes unstable , changing according to his mood . Sometimes he was good and generous , and sometimes he was cruel to his wife and two sons . Yes , she answered , I even have a lot of work for you . She let me sew on a machine and peel potatoes , and she gave me some food . I w s afraid that her crazy husband would drive me out when he came home in the evening from a day in the market . In he evening , the farmer arrived and entered his house , happy and satisfied . He aid that it was good to live with the Germans . He ad bought an excellent horse at a low price . He as so happy that he didn 't even ask me who I was or what I was doing there . He nly told stories and jokes about Jews , that they are stupid and cowards , and there is nobody like them . Eve a little , unarmed shepherd could bring them to the Germans with the crack of a whip , without any protest from them . And thus he revealed his scorn and hatred for the Jews and justified the judgment and evil decrees [ against us ] . Eve so , he did not drive me outside ; he even showed Penina and me a place to sleep , and took care to provide us with blankets . ; A = In the morning , he saw my torn shoes , and cried , How can I send you outside on a cold and freezing day in such torn shoes ? ou can remain in my house during these cold days . T ey gave me sewing to do and I helped the housewife with various housework chores . I received enough food and I was satisfied . T us , my life continued for a week . t One morning , the farmer returned from the village and told us that the Amstkommissar was supposed to arrive to register the pigs , and that the farmers were hiding pigs so that they wouldn 't fall into the hands of the authorities . One local farmer brought a pig into Czinowski 's wood and tied him to a tree outside the window . Czinowski himself ordered his son to bring their pig to a secret place in the forest . Penina and I must go out of the house and stay away all day . We left the house and sat in the forest . We were hungry and very cold . We waited for evening to come so that we could go back to the warm house . When we returned with the shadows of evening , we found the housewife crying . She told us that on his way , her son had met up with the Amstkommissar . They stopped him and marked the pig 's ear . He was ordered to bring the pig to the train station in Szepietowo and hand him over to the authorities . As a result of the confiscation of the pig by the Germans , her husband went mad . He beat his son severely , and he didn 't keep his fist off his wife , either . By the way , he poured out his wrath on the Jews and cursed them soundly . The fact that his neighbor 's pig , tied up outside his window , remained whole , and his [ pig ] had been confiscated , was a sign that he was being punished for sheltering Jews in his house . Czinowski 's wife advised us to get out of there before her husband came back , but my opinion was that we should not be afraid , and on the other hand , there was nowhere to run to . I asked her to let me stay in her house until morning . Her husband came back . He only screamed , but he did not drive us out and he also did not suggest a place for us [ to sleep ] , like he had on the previous nights . We lay down and waited for the night to pass . Towards morning , we went to the village of Sokolda and knocked on the door of the first house . They asked who we are . We told them that we are Jews from Pesach 's family , because all of the farmers in the village knew him . The housewife advised us to appear as Christians and to find work as housemaids . She immediately suggested that we would definitely find work with the wife of the Soltis ( the village elder ) . There were four children in the house , and the woman was pregnant with the fifth child . She was searching for household help with candles . The farmer 's wife introduced me to the wife of the Soltis and told her that I am a Christian girl and that I want to work at her house as a housemaid . The Soltis ' wife asked me what salary I would request . I answered that she could try me out and after that , she could set my salary as she wished . I peeled potatoes , sewed clothes for the children , and busied myself with cleaning the house . The neighbors kept watching me . Once in a while , a neighbor would enter to talk with the housewife , and sometimes they whispered . Did they see that I am a Jew ? The housewife tried to question me , what parish did I belong to , and what church did I pray in ? It was clear to me that they suspected me and I well understood that I had to flee from there . In the evening , I went to put the children to bed . Suddenly , I heard the sound of shooting . The Soltis hid himself out of fear , and his wife came running into the house , shouting that a battle was being waged outside between Germans and Russians . I went outside and saw a fire in the village . The entire village was going up in flames . The pigs were grunting and the horses were neighing . Some farmers rode on horses and others ran around to the location of the fire . Suddenly , they began to shoot at them from there and they withdrew to their homes . She now knew what had happened to her family , from the moment I parted from them . They all went into an empty barn that stood in the Lopiany Forest , to sleep . During the night , they awoke to the presence of two men , who were armed with rifles and had pocket flashlights in their hands that they shone into their eyes . Their souls took flight . All of them thought that these were Polish informers and that their end had come . After they calmed down , they found out that these were partisans . They asked the mother of the girls if she would agree that her two daughters would join them , and under this condition , they would have every chance of staying alive after the War . We knew that there was actually no chance of staying alive , because danger was lurking on every side . The mother agreed and Penina 's two sisters Feigel [ also called Feigele ] , aged 15 , and Toiva , aged 14 joined the Russian partisans . After our conversation , we entered the farmer 's house and asked if someone from our family had asked after us . The housewife told us that that morning , Feigel , Penina 's oldest sister , had been there . She was nicely dressed and wore new boots , with a red wool shawl on her head . Feigel asked the housewife to tell the members of her family to look for her in the village Joski . We were very happy at the news , and decided to look for her there . It still was dark outside . We knocked at the doors of a few houses in the village and asked if they had seen a girl wrapped in a red wool shawl . They answered that they did see such a girl passing through the villages , but they didn 't know where she was now . We came to Paszok 's house . A large dog came running to meet us , and after him , the owners of the house . We entered the house with them , and there we found Feigel and Toiva and another girl named Stella , the daughter of a dentist from Bransk . They told us that the two Russians brought them to a village near Bransk , where there were five additional Russians and three Jewish girls . The Russians obligated the farmers to maintain the girls and take care of all of their needs , on their responsibility . They threatened to kill them if they would not find the girls when the Russians return . The farmers panicked , they were afraid and carefully observed all of the Russians ' commands . Penina related [ the following ] : One day , the Germans began to shoot in the direction of the village where the girls were . They escaped through a back window and fled to the forest . They went into Paszok 's house and told him that the Russians ordered them to go to his house for three days . Since then , they [ remained ] there , but [ now ] they have to leave the house because the three days are over . There are difficulties with Stella . When she escaped from the German shooting , her feet got frozen and broke out in sores . She fled barefoot , because she didn 't have time to put on her shoes . Meanwhile , they had bandaged her feet with rags and took care to find her a place to rest until she could get well . Here , the girls remembered that in a certain village , the Russians deposited an expensive fur , part of the partisans ' booty . So they thought they would ask the farmer for the fur in the name of the partisans . That is what they did . They received the fur and brought it to the house of a poor and honest farmer in another village , who agreed to take care of Stella in exchange for the fur , until she got well . The good farmer promised a recovery home for Stella and to take care of her . N w , we began to worry about ourselves . U cle Pesach 's three daughters and I wanted to find where our Uncle and the partisans were staying . E erywhere we asked , they said that they had seen Russians , but they didn 't know where they were . W wandered for days and nights . W couldn 't stay for hours in the same place , lest we freeze from the cold . In the village of Zajki [ Miedzyrzecz ] , we asked about Pesach 's family , who had lived there for a few years . The farmers advised us to go the length of the village , and to the sound of the loud barking of a dog , to approach the house , which was where the partisans were to be found . We did so , and under the widespread branches of a pine tree , we found our family . They were very happy to see us and we stayed with them for a week . I could not sit quietly . I felt that any moment , we could expect the danger of death . My cousin Toiva and I decided to go and seek our own way , and to depend on our own fate . We parted from the family and went to find work . We went from house to house and from village to village . Everywhere , they gave us food and advised us to go on further . No one wanted to deal with us , or allow us to sleep at night [ in his house ] . [ This was a ] deed of Sodom and Gemorrah . Outside it is so cold , and a storm is raging . Again , we knocked on the doors of the people of the village , from house to house , in two villages , one after the other , and nowhere did they allow us to enter and warm ourselves a bit . We went to the place where Stella was , and we stayed there to sleep . The farmer was a widower , and a bit strange . He did not work his field . One of his daughters , aged 17 , was retarded . The second one , aged 12 , named Jenka , took care of the housework , and the third one was a little girl of six . The farmer 's family suffered from hunger . He would wander in the villages and blab that there were Jewish girls in his house . Lately , Jenka refused to let us sleep in the house , and she only opened the door when we showed her bread through the window . The next day we continued to wander . Once , we entered a house and said , Good morning ! A man sat there and talked without stopping , without looking at us . F nally , he looked at his pocket watch and blurted out , I have a lot of work today . I ave to turn over two young Jewish girls to the Germans in Piekuty . Our hearts began to beat fast . Wha should we do ? Eve so , he invited us to eat and drink , and he said that he enjoyed playing jokes . ret Jewish girls , leave this place ! ermans are behind me on their way to the village and I am hurrying to take away my supply of liquor that I have in my house . W turned aside , and almost met up with a sled of Germans , with two dogs at their side . It was Sunday . In the evening , we arrived in the village of Nadoszewa [ near Wysokie ] , and went into one of the houses . A young man , nicely dressed , was sitting there in the company of a young girl . We said Good evening , and saw that the owner of the house and his wife were looking at each other in panic . T e young man got up , and said to us , in German , Zeigen sie personlichs auswiesa [ Show me your identity cards ] . I a swered , in Polish , that I didn 't understand what he said , and then he said : Passport . n p We again tried our luck ; maybe someone would let us enter his house . We went into another house , and after saying good evening , we requested permission to sleep [ there ] . The housewife , an old woman , turned to a young man whom she called my lord , the Soltis and asked him if she could give us permission to sleep [ in their house ] . T e young man said , As a matter of fact , why not ? pU The woman served us hot food , showed us a place to lie on the straw , and we lay down to sleep . We felt happy and satisfied , as if there were no more worries in our world . That night was good for us , and we slept a sweet sleep . Towards morning , I said to Toiva , Get up and we will leave here as soon as possible , before the neighbors will see us and we shouldn 't , Heaven forbid , cause any discomfort to our hostess . B t the good woman understood our thoughts , and she didn 't let us leave the house before eating the breakfast that she prepared for us . W saw that our benefactress was not at all afraid to keep us . W left her house with heartfelt thanks and went to another house . i There , with a young widow [ Prakacz ] , who had a two - year - old daughter and her old father , I found a bit of sewing work . I made a pretty dress for the little girl and the widow was so pleased by my work that she went to show the dress to the other residents of the village . She boasted , saying , Look and see , what a good seamstress with golden hands . One of the widow 's relatives , meanwhile , ordered some work from me , and requested that I come to her only at night , so that nobody would see me . This village , Landowa , had a good name among the Jews who were hiding in the area around Sokoly , and they regarded it as a paradise . Many Jews began to stream there . After two weeks , there wasn 't a house in Landowa where there weren 't three or four Jews . Among others , Toiva 's mother Sarahle and Hershel and Leahke with the children , arrived in the village . The women made house slippers for the villagers . There were also three tailors from the city of Bransk , who sewed and made new clothes out of old ones , from suits and winter coats and furs . The dentist from Bransk also was there with his wife and their daughter Stella . The parents found Stella and brought her to the village . One girl from Warsaw knit sweaters for the farmers . There also was a mother and her two daughters from Lapy , and not a few other Jews , who paid the owners of their shelters with foreign currency in dollars . After I had been a few days with the widow Skalodovszczika , an owner of a house offered me work as a housemaid , because his wife had just given birth to their fourth child and she was still weak , and he had to work outside the house , not having his own farm . I answered that he should first get permission from the Soltis to employ a Jew , because I would have to go around among the people , I would go to the well to get water and to other public places . The farmer got permission from the Soltis and I immediately went , as instructed by the housewife , to milk the cow . I had gotten accustomed to these jobs , which I had not done before . There was a young Christian there , over 20 years old , the son of the farmer 's brother , and he was a hooligan . When I served food to him , he would curse the Jews , saying , I hate all of the Jews ! would destroy and kill them , one , and two . don 't care that you are still alive , even though you are a different kind of human being from us , and it isn 't worth it for me to kill you , because you don 't have anything I can take from you . I worked very hard in that house , but I never complained . At midnight , I went to sleep on the stove , and I thought in my heart , I wish I could live this way for a long time . My mistress began to regain her strength and was already able to walk around ; she immediately ordered me to leave her house . I took my cousin Toiva with me and we went to the house of the farmer Leopold , who had invited us to come to his house to sew house slippers , but only during the hours of the night , so that nobody would see us . When we reached Leopold 's house , his wolf dogs fell upon us . The owner of the dogs came out and brought us into his house . We were given food and drink , and a bench was prepared for us to sleep . The farmer and his family sat all night and made whiskey from grain . In the middle of the night , the housewife woke us up , saying that Germans had come to the village and the Soltis , accompanied by youths , was searching the houses . After a few days , we met Toiva 's mother Sarahle , her sister Leahke , and the wife of the dentist from Bransk . They cried and told us about the terrible tragedy that had happened to the families during the night of the searches . They had just gone out of the houses where they were hiding , trying to flee to the forest , and the young farmers chased after them , grabbed them and beat the Jews with murderous blows . My uncle and his family reached the woods next to the village of Zajki . By chance , at that time a rabbit hunt was being conducted there . The men of the area participated in the hunt , along with German forest guards . The rabbit hunters , seeing the Jews , left their work and began to chase after them . In this way , the Jews who had escaped from the murderers in the village of Landowa fell into the hands of the murderers in the village of Zajki . My Uncle Pesach was shot in his flight . The hooligans grabbed Uncle Manes , Feigele , and Penina . Feigele succeeded in evading their hands and she hid in a shock of grain that was under an awning , and they didn 't see her . When they chased thirteen - year - old Penina , she screamed loudly . At that moment , Feigele jumped out and the evil ones grabbed the three of them , tied them up , and brought them to the Germans in Piekucz . We found out about their capture later , from villagers we talked to . They also told us that they saw how the Germans brought the three victims to the woods and stripped them of their clothing . Manes began to fight them and they tied him up . Sixteen - year - old Feigel was very pretty . The German aimed his weapon to shoot her , but he hesitated and gave his rifle to another German . Feigel begged for her life and asked them , Why ? hat is my crime and what is my sin ? T e German answered that he has an order , and fired . H r blood flowed and she tried to run with all her strength . T e German aimed [ another ] shot at her and killed her on the spot . Now we went in a group : I , Toiva , the dentist from Bransk and his wife and daughter . He , the wise , and learned man in his town , here became unsuccessful and unfortunate . Mr . Lerman , the doctor , begged us not to leave him , his wife , and his daughter , and cast his burden on us . I tried to explain to him that it would be easier for two people to find a farmer who would take pity on us , rather than five . In any case , no villager could be found who was willing to endanger his life and the lives of his family for Jews , and so we parted from them . We were like lost sheep . We didn 't recognize the roads or the names of the villages . We trusted only in our fate . Here , we were standing at a junction of three roads , and we didn 't know which of them to choose . Which road will lead to death , and which to kind and good people ? We went on the road where our feet took us , with our eyes closed . It was late at night . The ground was frozen . We wanted to come close to a settlement . From a distance , we saw a faint light blinking from a kerosene lantern in the window of one of the houses . We slowly drew near to the house , and a barking dog jumped out to meet us . We waited near a tree , some distance from the road , without showing ourselves . At that moment , we heard a shot right below our ears . Afterwards , we found out that this was a German forest guard . In the village of Zalesie [ Bajki ] , we entered the first house . The door was not locked and the house was dark . We talked to each other in a loud voice , we asked who was in the house and nobody answered . We felt around in the dark and touched a wooden bench . Without much thought , we lay down to sleep . When we woke up , there was light in the house . The housewife , a very good woman , gave us some food and showed us a bed . The next day , she gave us the job of sewing a dress . Toiva had caught a cold and was beginning to cough . A neighbor was in the kitchen , and upon hearing the coughing , she wanted to come into the room to see who was coughing . But the housewife prevented her from doing this . In the evening , the woman asked us to leave the house , fearing that the neighbor would gossip in the village and say that Jews are there . We entered another house . The housewife , who also was a good woman , gave us some food . At four o ' clock in the afternoon , the housewife 's son came in , shouting in panic , Germans are traveling here ! W immediately went out and hid between the farm buildings . I was already dark outside . E en though her feet were frozen , Toiva went out to find out if the Germans had already passed by . W returned to the yard , and suddenly a man jumped over the fence , with a white ribbon tied around his arm . H grabbed my hands . I saw how Toiva fled , and the man wouldn 't let go of me . I started to shout at him in Polish , Chalera , pasza kraw , why are you clinging to me ? Le go of my hand and you will see that the Jew is running away and you are holding on to a Christian ! He et go of my hands and I started to run between the farm buildings . I b nt down , rubbed my hands , and [ suddenly ] here [ beside me ] , was Toiva . You g men began to whistle , scream , and run , with electric flashlights in their hands . We aw them in the dark and they didn 't see us , until one of them blurted out , Chalera ai totai aich niama ! ( The aren 't here either ! ) Durin those moments , our hearts stopped beating . U The noise in the village continued for some time . We sat where we were until late into the night . When everything became quiet , we again went out in the direction of the forest , from which we had come . We returned to the village of Landowa . This time , we knocked at Prakacz 's door . She let us sleep in her house . We sewed a winter coat for her little girl . We sewed during the day , and at night we went to sleep in the potato cellar . On Wednesday evening , the residents of the village had a party in the Soltis ' house . The Jews who had returned to the village were ordered to leave their hiding places immediately , at least for a week , until all the excitement had passed . We also intended to leave the village , but the housewife , Mrs . Prakacz , wanted us to finish sewing the coat , and she suggested that we come back to her early in the morning when it was still dark outside . That is what we did , and we continued to sew . At ten o ' clock in the morning , we heard shots a short distance away . Outside the window , we saw Germans going from house to house . Mrs . Prakacz ran in and called to us , Quickly , run away ! I started to beg , How can we run away in broad daylight ? Th Germans will certainly see us and kill us without hesitation . Pl ase , let us hide in the barn , we will go deep into the straw . But we begged in vain and she didn 't agree to endanger herself at such a fateful hour . Wit no choice , we had to leave her house , and we went straight into the forest . The Germans and the Soltis saw us , and they shouted at us , Halloo , halt ! ! T iva began to run , but I stopped her . I took her by the hand ; I clasped her and whispered in her ear not to run , but to walk with large steps straight ahead and not to look to the sides . T at is how we walked , until we reached the forest , and then we began running . W found a hole in the ground , where we lay until it became dark . n In the evening , we came to the house of Piakotoszcza , where Feigele had once stayed . She told us that only that day , they had killed Leahle , Feigele 's mother , her brother Leibele , the dentist Lerman , his wife , and his daughter Stella , and another girl from Warsaw . She added that the Germans asked the Soltis about us , and he told them that we were from Warsaw . Two Germans had followed us to the forest and came back from there . She gave us a slice of bread and we left her house . The dog at the Skalodoszczika house already knew us and he didn 't bark . We went into the yard , opened the barn wicket , and lay there quietly for three whole days . The slice of bread we had received was long forgotten , and our hunger bothered us a great deal . We thought we would go down and ask Skalodoszczika for something to eat . Even if she would give us a slice of bread , it would slightly quiet our hunger , and we would return to our hiding place . We came down from the barn and entered the house . We heard villagers entering Skalodoszczika 's house and whispering among themselves . There , they told about two young people from Warsaw who had brought Toiva 's father , Pesach , and her brother Moshe , a boy of 12 , to the Soltis ' house in Landowa . They were tied up with ropes , and the villagers brought them to the Germans in Piekuty . As a faithful friend of Pesach , Dombrowski advised us to leave the village tonight , and meanwhile , he hinted that we should follow him . He took half of a large loaf of [ home - made ] bread [ to give ] to us , and accompanied us until we were outside the village . He advised us to go as far away as we could from the place , which was so dangerous for us . We expressed our feelings of thanks to Dombrowski for his kindness , parted from him , and went on our way . It was dark and cold , and a stormy wind blew in our faces . We knew that death waited everywhere for us . Nobody would give us shelter . When we became tired from walking continuously , we sat down on a rock to rest ; we had no more strength to continue on our way , without a destination . In spite of Dombrowski 's warning , we decided to return and try again to enter the same barn , because even the dogs knew us and didn 't bark at us . That is what we did , and we returned to Landowa . In the straw , we found an egg . We were happy , and tried to fall asleep . In the morning , the Russian worker , Andrei , came into the barn to look for the egg , and he was surprised to find us . He started to yell that the Jews were there on the farm . The housewife understood that he was talking about us . She came up in the barn , accompanied by a neighbor , and asked us to leave immediately . I asked her to let us stay there at least until evening , because in broad daylight they would catch us , but the woman ignored our pleas . Immediately , a group of adults and young men gathered and all of them started to shout that we had to get out of there and go away . We came down , thinking our end had come . We went past the men , who mocked us and chased after us . I took off my wooden sandals and ran , with the rest of my strength , into the forest , where I lay down in a tangle of bushes , while Toiva continued to run . M youthful pursuers caught me and chased after Toiva . I asked one of them , who had two rods in his hands : Are you interested in having them kill me ? Y s , answered the evil one . I sai to him , that I would help him find my friend and then he could bring us both to the Germans . Witho t waiting for his reaction , I quickly evaded him and ran like an arrow shot from a bow . I saw a pit , and I jumped into it . I lay there until evening . Witho t considering what was going on around me , I set out in the direction of the farmer 's house where Stella , the daughter of the dentist from Bransk , had once stayed . I ask d him to tell me if a Jewish girl had been brought to the gendarmia ? I was certain that Toiva was no longer alive and that I remained solitary ; deserted and discouraged . The f rmer gave me permission to sleep in the haystack in the barn . Durin the night , someone awakened me . I ope ed my eyes , and saw Toiva . My so l was renewed . " Toiva told me that the Christian youths had caught her and taken her to the Soltis in Landowa . She heard that the Soltis ' sister - in - law had cried at the time they were chasing after us , and had begging him to free us . When they brought Toiva to the Soltis , he and the old man Dombrowski kicked them and attacked them with convincing yells that the girl isn 't Jewish and that she has papers proving that she is a Christian . Disappointed , the evil youngsters left the Soltis ' house . At the Soltis ' house , they fed her and forbade her to be seen again in the village . Both of us were happy that we had been saved from the Angel of Death and remained alive . Our hope was that perhaps we would merit liberation from all those who were persecuting us , along with all of the Nation of Israel . When I think of all of the hardships and troubles that I suffered , and still suffer , I am not certain of tomorrow , or even the next hour , and more than once I fluttered between life and death . It is no wonder that discouragement reached my very bones and I waited for my turn to be destroyed . But I felt that something important was happening inside me . A change came over me , and I want to live . To live ! And however much they plotted against my young life , the desire to live and see the downfall of our enemies grew stronger within me ! One morning , both of us woke up and walked to one good farmer , who had once repaired a wooden sandal for me . I was confident that he was good - hearted and honest , and even so , I did not want to test him and request shelter , because I knew that he was weak in character and was afraid . Therefore , we entered the potato cellar , without his knowledge . We sat and whispered . It was four o ' clock in the afternoon . Suddenly , we saw armed Germans at the entrance to the cellar . The farmer stood not far away and we heard how the Germans were asking him if he isn 't hiding any Jews or members of the robber gangs . The innocent farmer answered them with confidence , As a matter of fact , go ahead and search every corner . W sat like stones and trembled with fear . T e angels of terror went away from the cellar and we lay down and covered ourselves with a bit of the straw that was nearby , in case they would come back and peep through a hole into the cellar . We saw that it was very quiet on the farm , and we went out to the fresh air . We knocked on the farmer 's door . How surprised he was to see us alive , after he knew that all the Jews of the area had been killed . He only asked , How is this ? nly you are alive ? I answered , that the Holy One , Blessed be He , was helping us . T e man scratched his head , and blurted , G - d is truly helping you , and how much more so and I obligated to help you . _ ( We went on different paths and knocked on the doors of the residents of the villages . Either they didn 't open the door to us at all , or they wanted to grab us , and we evaded them miraculously . In a roundabout way , we again arrived in the village of Landowa . We entered Piakotoszcza 's house , where Feigele had once stayed . By chance , her cousin was there , from the village of Pulazie , and he suggested that Toiva come with him to his village . She could sew house slippers there for the villagers , and nobody would recognize that she is a Jew . Toiva agreed and went with him , and I again remained alone and solitary in my discouragement . Who knows if I will ever see her again . More difficult times began for me , more bitter and gloomier . I wandered alone , straying at night on the paths , in the fields , and in the forest . I came to one village where I had been several months ago with my Uncle Pesach . The dogs attacked me , barking loudly . The farmer came out and quieted his dogs and took me into his house . He had three daughters and one son , and a cousin [ Staczek ] who worked for him . This young man had recently become a detective agent for the Germans . I knew the above - mentioned family well , and they were very happy to see me . The farmer 's cousin also appeared happy to see me . We went into the guest room and all of them talked to me in a friendly way . I waited for them to invite me to eat . Suddenly , I saw that the cousin , Staczek , had disappeared from the house . I sat there in confusion , and my heart beat strongly inside me . I wanted to leave the house , but it wasn 't so comfortable just to go out , and also I was very hungry and waited to be given something to eat . At that moment , the smallest daughter of the villager turned to me and said , Get up , and come outside with me , I am afraid to go out in the yard alone . I went with her into the yard and we talked as we went . As soon as we left the house , a shadow fell through the gate , of a bicycle rider . The little girl called to me , Liyoba , this is Staczek with the Germans ! hey are looking for you ! un fast , fast , into the field ! I succeeded in escaping , and I found myself on the main road leading to Landowa . u In her yard there were eight dogs , as large as wolves , but this did not prevent me from entering . It was already past midnight , and I hesitated to knock on the door . I just stood there and waited . Suddenly , I heard a nervous voice ask , Who is there ? It is I , Liyoba , I answered in a loud voice . The door opened and in the opening I saw Leopolda 's son , with an axe in his hand . The brought me inside their house and told me that they had heard my footsteps without hearing the dogs barking , and they thought that robbers had poisoned the dogs and stole their possessions from the cowshed and the storerooms . The Leopolds were the wealthiest family in the village and they owned many heads of cattle and pigs . They came to the conclusion that their dogs were chasing a bitch and had gone away from the farm , and that was why they didn 't hear them barking . In any case , the son was ready to attack any stranger who would appear on the farm in the middle of the night , with the axe in his hand . All of them calmed down ; everything was all right , and their fear was for nothing . Leopolda suggested that I remain in her house for two days and sew a dress for her daughter . She took me into the straw barn and gave me a warm robe to cover myself . I felt like I was in heaven . Towards morning , they woke me up and I was given a hot and filling meal . During the day , I sewed in the sunshine , whose light came through the holes and cracks [ in the walls of the barn ] . The housewife would call , Czia , czia to the chickens , a camouflage for strange eyes , in order to bring me a bowl of good , hot food . S e did this three times a day . Suddenly , my happiness ended . It happened that same day , at eleven o ' clock in the morning . Leopolda came to me and said that a contingent of Germans had come and they were going from house to house and farm to farm , and I had to leave immediately , so as not to cause a tragedy to the family . I asked her to let me hide in the piles of straw , and if the Germans would find me , I would tell them that I came there without the knowledge of the farmer . She went away from me , and immediately came back in panic , saying that the Germans were already next to the house . I lay between the piles of straw , my teeth chattering . I trembled all over . In the evening , the woman came and told me that she had served whiskey , eggs and lard to the Germans in huge portions . She thus bought their hearts and they no longer continued their search . However , she still advised me to leave her house that same day , because she was afraid of what would follow . I thanked the good woman and went to Piakotoszcza 's house . There , to my great surprise , I found Toiva , who had returned meanwhile from Pulazie . She told me that at the beginning it was good for her there , and that nobody suspected that she was a Jew , until some young men from Landowa came there and told the residents of her Jewishness . She was forced to leave the place quickly . We later found out that these were the bodies of the last two Jews who were murdered by the Germans and their Polish accomplices , the tailors Chaim and Shabtil from Bransk . They had sewn clothes for the village residents . Now , Palikowski was taking them in his wagon to be buried in the forest , accompanied by the villagers for whom they had sewn clothes . The villagers were wild with joy . They warned us that our turn would come soon . We decided to leave the village permanently , and go to the forests to look for the partisans . The path lay before us . |
Yesterday I went up to the farm , walked the dogs , just as the wind started to ramp up . It wasn 't bad . I fed the sheep , and made sure that the barn door was locked open and the barn set if they wanted to use it . I checked their water , and then my sister and I headed out ( she took a ride up there with me ) . Got home and the wind really started picking up . At about 5 : 00 , I fed the dogs , and filled some giant pots with water , and set to watching House Hunters , interspersed with the Weather Channel . The storm was really pounding the Jersey shore and NYC was getting flooded . I finally fell asleep just after I heard on the news that three people had been killed by falling limbs - one man was killed in his house when a tree fell on it . That scares the heck out of me . I woke up this morning SHOCKED that I did not lose power . The winds were the strongest I can remember . I did hear some things hit the roof , and side of the house , but I have not checked everything out yet . . . Anyway , after I woke this morning , I turned on the light and there right in front of me was a dead , wet mouse . GROSS . Right smack dab in the middle of my bedroom floor . I heard my kitty meowing at the side of my bed , he must have been very proud of his prize . I have never seen him do this before , but well , I guess there is a first time for everything . I picked it up with a newspaper and put it in a plastic bag to throw out . Better check my traps and make sure we don 't let anymore in ! Yesterday , got up to the farm about 2 : 00 or 3 : 00 . It was still nice out , no wind , no rain , so I took the dogs for a walk and then worked Dan and Joe . With Dan we just did a bit of the usual stuff , and then I brought the three girls to the fence to work on shedding . Basically , it 's me working on it , so I can set it up right for him . I figure this is a 50 / 50 partnership , so if this is not his forte , let me at least make it so he will be successful . I was able to get two ewes to go one way , and the third to go the other and call him in and have him push her away . We will keep doing this push away , until he gets that it is very good to do this . Joe was very good . He 's getting driving - I know I said I didn 't want to , but he offers it , so I went with it . At one point I was able to tap my leg and have him come to me having the beginnings of an inside flank . Good God . I think I need to slow down , he 's learning way to fast for me . I want to go look at videos of other dogs at this age , to see if other dogs are like this . I don 't want to rush him . Oh , and at one point he took off early without me sending him and I was able to stop him . Yes , stop him mid gallop . I keep wondering if maybe there is a shoe to drop some where . . . . After that , I set up the barn so the sheep could go into the big room , and got some new straw in there . I don 't think they will want to go in there , but maybe . Then I gave out some hay , and filled up their water , and headed to my parents ' house . I hung out there and watched a PBS show I forget the name , but during the Edwardian era - it was very good . Then I watched football . Then we had a wonderful dinner , and then , finally home . I was beat . This scene has always cracked me up . I always think of it when a big storm is coming . Latest information has worsened the impact for us , so I better laugh now . I have done all the preps at my place , and the farm should be good . I will leave the barn door open for the sheep , but when I feed them , I will put their hay where they are , because I have learned that putting hay inside when they would rather be outside and vice versa is a waste of hay . So , we shall see . One thing for sure , is that we are going to get very wet and have serious winds , all extended . . . Joe and Dan worked well yesterday . Dan 's shedding , we are working on him letting sheep go when they are on the fence , and then walking in on the one I ask . I don 't know if we ever will be proficient at this , as he has little eye , and likes to flank , so . . . makes it tough , but we will keep at it . Joe was good , I had a few Cheviots in the mix yesterday , as they did not want to shed off , so I worked them with the Romneys . They made the Romneys flightier . At one point Joe was tight on an outrun and the black Romney who likes to split off , did - and ran into the wooded section . Joe did not skip a beat and went in there after her and brought her back out . I was so stoked to see that . We are working on driving and in just a few days , he 's getting it . Damn , he 's smart . Going to my parents ' for dinner tonight - standing rib roast , and so will go to the farm later , probably around 2 : 00 , and hay the sheep , and then go to my parents . So , I really really like this new ram lamb . He may just be staying a while . Not sure who here knows the difference between show bred sheep and what I call grade sheep , but the difference is basically that the show world breeds for tall , lean and horse like creatures , and the grade folks like me , breed for the original breed type , the well muscled , not overly framey , easy keeper , and hardy sheep . The ram I had previously though he wasn 't absolutely horrible , he was too tall and lean , and I am sure would do well in today 's show ring . This new ram lamb is very different . He 's blocky , sturdy and well built at only six months of age . Above is a picture of him . Hoping things will go well with him in the future . He 's already noticed the girls . Kylie my ten year old Kelpie has a stomach bug . She was out a long time today , and I decided not to feed her breakfast . Her stomach is making those horrible stomach bug sounds . . . So , no food for her today . Don 't know what would have caused it , but she has always had a propensity for upset stomach - ever since she had a gut blockage as a young dog . Worked Joe and Dan yesterday . Dan was a bit off , but Joe did well . Only a very short work time for him and he 's getting more comfy driving , but I may focus back on flanks / outruns , because they suffer a bit when he starts driving . . . Big storm coming starting tomorrow . Lots of rain expected . It 's a huge storm right now , they said on the news last night it was two thousand miles across . That 's pretty huge . . . I cleaned out my gutters yesterday , cleared debris from the down spouts and put various things away . Glad I got that leak in the roof fixed . . . Cleaned the house today , did laundry , and messed with my piece of garbage water softener . . . Hopefully less iron will be around . . . I doubt it . That 's why my freaking hair is red . I am so about to take major chemicals to it , or shave it . Yesterday after work I went up to go get the ram lamb . First I worked Joe in a big field where he has never worked before . He was good . The advice I got was he was too tight , came in to hard and fast , which I know , but the good word was that he was MUCH better than the last time they saw him . Appropriate sheep and every day working will do that to a pup : ) At one point we had two sheep on the fence and just started talking . Joe settled in , at one point he almost got up , but put himself back down , because he remembered I had asked him to lay down . That 's the sort of thing I love about these good dogs . It was a very enjoyable time working him . I also worked Dan , who did well , but I think I need to lay off him a bit , as he will eat grass if I give him too many commands . He will do as I ask , but it takes the fun away , so I am going to work on getting my line set as we make our turns , and then just let him hold the line , instead of trying to steer so much . When it was time to go with the ram lamb , I had brought a medium vari kennel and we put some hay in it and covered it with a sheet . He didn 't make a peep the entire trip . When I got to the farm , he would not come out of the crate , so I had to un - ceremoniously dump him out . Luckily , the girls were there , and he ran to them , but he was scared of the black sheep . . . Which was bad , because the blackest one I have was very interested in him ; 0 ) I left after I gave hay , and he had tucked into it like his girlfriends . He 's a stunner of a lamb , a true Border Cheviot in build . He 's already looking regal , even at his young age . Things are going well here . The other day when working Joe , I tapped my leg asking him to walk up and he did , and we did a little walking behind the sheep . The next day , I tapped my leg and he walked up and past me . . . He 's already getting driving . I kept it very short as one or two times he went to grab at some grass , and I believe he 's just worried if he pushes they will get away , and plus he 's very young . But , he 's learning so damn fast , that I am afraid if I don 't change things up it will become boring for him . At this point I could use him to do chores I think . That 's hard to imagine . He 's just such a cool dog . I loaned out a ram lamb to a friend of mine and now I have a buyer for him , so that is great . More money in my pocket ( that will fly out fast ) is a good thing . Going to go get a new ram lamb for me today , and put it in a vari kennel in the car . That should be very interesting . Want him here to grow up and then use him next year . Will also work Joe and Dan . We ended up getting into the last trial of the year , so that is very cool , and now I gotta school Dan a bit . A fb friend asked if I was going to run Joe ( he has seen his videos ) and I said God no ! But , I bet he could run in about a month or two . . . . . He just learns so damn fast . So , I got a call last night when I was on the phone with a so - called friend ( which is not true , but I don 't want to talk about that ) , and when I checked who called , it was the camper place . I had been approved for a loan for the camper , but I had to decide what I wanted to do in terms of down payment . The term is very long , good God , is it long , but the payments are doable , but I may still try and get them lower . Every time I try to convince myself not to do it , I decide against that . . . So , I think I must . . . I bought this new vehicle with the express intentions to be able to tow , and with the trialing that I do , which is not as much as some , but certainly enough , it makes no sense to stay in hotels . Mainly , I want a camper so I can go and rest during the day . I get very tired mid day , and when I can 't just relax for a time , I just get behind the eight ball as it were . . . So , Friday , I guess , is the day I pick it up and they install the tow package on my truck . My driveway entrance is pretty narrow , good God , I hope I can get it in there . . . We shall see . . . It will take every ounce of my memories from pulling horse trailers to do it . . . So , the weekend was fast ! Saturday morning I did take a bit of time just to relax in the morning , and then headed up to the sheep and wool festival . I brought the dogs with me so I could bring them to the farm afterward . My friends and I walked around , and I had a very good lamb gyro , and for desert , apple crisp a la mode - THAT was amazing . Before my friends showed up I took a bit of video of some of the sheep , here it is : We watched some of a sheepdog demo , and then I got the stuff from Sydell , and then I headed out . Something about throngs of people , and noise wipes me out . . . Oh , that morning , a guy called me about my ad for my ram for sale . He said they were going to the festival and could they stop by and see the ram when they left . I agreed , and went home , and came back later to meet him at the farm . They took forever . Apparently , it took them an hour just to get out of the parking lot . . . I warned them about that . . . Anyway , they are newbie farmers , and only have a small flock , but have Cheviots ewes to breed . So , I got Dan to fetch me up the sheep , and the guy put a halter on him - an Al Paca halter , which was small , and just barely fit over his nose , I mean barely . So , we got him out of the pasture , and then I had to go tie Dan up . See , Dan and this ram do not get along , and Dan figured that maybe he needed to teach this ram a lesson once and for all - who knows , all I know is Dan was looking a bit excited . . . So , I said " Be right back , going to go tie the dog up " and when I got back , the ram was already in the truck ! ! ! What a neat trick I just figured out . . . Will have to use that again . So , he made a makeshift pen with boards and wire and his wife suggested that he loosen the rope a bit for the ram . As he did so , at the same time as I mentioned how good he was with people , the ram went for the guy ( just his arm , as he was outside of the truck ) . I was surprised , but could not blame him as the halter was a bit taut and he was tied . . . So , I got paid and they were on their way . It was a long day for me . I got an email later that night saying that they had gotten home and the ram was settling in well . That 's good . So , Sunday rolls around . I had made tentative plans to take Dan and Joe to work them at my friend 's place , but when the morning came , my stomach bothered me and I was just really tired , so I almost begged off . But , she convinced me to just come , so I did . She worked her pup first , and then I worked Joe , and then we worked the adults - Dan hates his off pressure flanks there , and I always end up having to school him on them . Then we had lunch , and then back to work Joe a bit . He 's a good boy . He acted the same as he does at home , so that bodes well for his brain , I hope : ) I do really love working him . He 's very full on , but I like that , because he 's also listening . After I got home from that , I cleaned my house . Good Lord , I really needed to . The Bissel vacuum I have is amazing . I could not believe the dirt and hair it got up . I took all the books off the book shelf and vacuumed them , and well , just went to town . I had six people in the pool . I have six food tubs that I feed my sheep in . Every day , one tub is tipped over . That day it was number six . Carolyn , was # 6 ! Am about to head north to Sheep and wool festival . I wanted to go to the farm first , but I will get a mess , and for once I want to be human . So , I will go to the festival and then the farm . Someone contacted me possibly interested in my ram , so I may bring them to the farm to show him to them . I hope they buy ! I hope they have a trailer with them too ! I am going to video tape our wanderings around the festival , and I will not forget to pick up the equipment , as I have left myself a voice mail on my cell phone ! I have not picked a winner yet . I am going to do something at the festival . . . I am sure it will be interesting . You are all getting assigned a number , in ascending order , so for instance , Diane will be # 1 , and so forth . I saw that camper yesterday , and it fits the bill . It 's a Jay Feather Sport , 2009 , and has a full bed in front and a teeny tiny slide , which gives just s scosh bit more room . The only weird thing is that the bathroom does not have a sink - it 's got cabinets instead . LOTS of storage in this puppy . I like it , and I applied for the financing , but have not heard back . I still do not have to buy it based on the financing I get , so we will see . Was up a lot last night thinking about it , and it does still seem like a good idea . So , we will see . If I am not approved , I will take it as God 's will , and I know that everything happens for a reason . . . . Will keep you posted . Yesterday I shopped . . . I had that 30 % off coupon at Kohls , so I went after work . I got some new jeans , socks , etc . , and even a popcorn maker . . . Good deal on what I got . After that I hit the mall looking for new salt / pepper shakers ; finally finding them in Target . I did a lot of walking around , and was beat after that . . . On the way up to the farm , the saleswoman from the place I saw the nice small camper called me and told me they just got a used 19ft camper in , in excellent condition . So , I made an appointment to see it today . Unless this camper is just what I want , I will hold off . . . After that , I got a call from Charlie saying that one of his lambs was very lame in front . I went to the farm , worked Joey for just a little bit ( it was pretty warm out there ) , and then I decided to give a bit of the hay , to see if they wanted it . . . the pasture is getting eaten down , so I want to make sure no one is left hungry . . . This is where it got funny . The three Romney crosses were still out in the field when I brought the hay out , and did not go to it . . . Then I let the Cheviots out who went right to it and then BOOM ! the Romneys come charging over . . It was so funny - it was like they were letting the Cheviots determine if those suspicious hay piles were safe . . . Verdict on the hay ? They all loved it . It is alfalfa / grass mix , so it 's pretty good stuff . I stopped at Charlie 's the ram lambs front foot was sore , and it looked a bit like scald . Two of their pet dairy goats also had bum feet , and they definitely had scald ( all sorts of pasty grossness between their toes ) . I have since bleached all my foot wear and my car mat , because I do not want to bring that home . That is a good reminder not to go to other farms so lightly . . . After all that , I went home and was just beat . I get beat easy . . . I HAVE to remember to pick up the stuff that a fellow shepherd ordered from Sydell at the sheep and wool festival tomorrow . My memory is not the greatest lately . . . Today is your last chance to sign up for the shirt giveaway . Not sure how I will pick the winner - it may involve the sheep or the dogs , or both . We will see . Posted by It was a very nice day yesterday . Fall is my favorite time of year ; cool , no bugs and a sense of renewal in the air . I had to gather the flock in yesterday , and I wondered how the ram would be . No problem was the answer . He simply went with the Cheviot girls into the barn , no muss not fuss . I am glad of that . Then I worked Joe , and as I did , I noticed all the big downed limbs laying in the field and took a break from working Joe , to go get the pick up and start collecting those limbs for the burn pile . I got probably less than half picked up in one trip , and will finish today . There is one GIANT limb , more like a tree I have to tie to the pick up and drag out . Charlie has been busy , so I have to handle this myself . The field looks better . Oh , and today I am buying some wood to make a feed trough for my sheep . They sully the feed sometimes , as they step in it , so I want a trough style . I wanted to buy them from Premier , but the cost of them , plus the shipping is astronomical . So , after picking up the sticks , I went back to working Joey , and he was very good . I am at the point where I am standing about half way to the sheep , and it 's working beautifully . He 's the right distance from them , and he 's running out fast , intent and watching them too . It 's very cool . I do like him . I think I may have said this before . . . Got home and decided I have to clean this house , and opened my mail - finding I have a 30 % off coupon for Kohls department store , so I am going there today . I need some clothes , and I want a real pop corn maker - I do not like microwave popcorn at all . . . . So , I went to a camper dealer yesterday . I looked at a new 14 ft camper , very nice but small . I talked numbers with them , but they were not really budging , except , that they would install the tow package on my Jeep free . . . I went home and thought about it . Then I called my older , wiser sister . She told me she thought I should have gotten a camper a long time ago , and that it was a very good idea , given how much I travel with the dogs . . . . So , we talked a lot about what I really wanted . I really want a bed , not one that has to be " made " every day , and a decent bathroom , and last but really not at all least , something that is light , thus easier to tow / stop with . So , I charged my sister with finding me a camper . . . We shall see what happens . I had one person comment on FB that they just use friends and do hotels , why get a camper ? Well , I must not have as many friends as she does , because I have never had someone offer to have me stay at their place , and you know what ? At some point EVERYONE wears out their welcome . I don 't like to do that , and this way , I am autonomous , and not using other people . Once in a while it 's okay to ask friends , but not year after year . . . That 's how I feel anyway . So , hopefully I find something I like . I may not , who knows , but at least now I have a starting point . Worked Joe yesterday , did some fence line work , and got some advice from a FB friend on what to and not to do . He likes Joe a lot , and I trust his advice . . . Joe is just one very cool dog . Oh , and before I worked Joe , I had to bring in the sheep and keep the Romney girls out for use by Joe . Well , the ram decided he did not want to go with the Cheviots into the barn and turned and ran away with the Romneys . Dan gathered them back and the ram did not want to go in the barn again , so I wrangled him and just as I got him in the barn and Dan was standing next to me , the ram saw Dan and was loaded for bear and just was going to cream him . The look in his eye , and his kneeling , just about kneeling forward stance . . . well , I did not want my Dan to get hurt . So , I picked up a board and fought him back . If I had not done that , he would have knocked me over to get to Dan , simple as that . Now , Dan has gone after this ram before and will again , but when a ram is in breeding form and wants to be with his girls , there are not a lot of brains operating , and I thought to save everyone from injury , I would handle it . Today will be interesting . . . We will see if the ram causes trouble again . Anyway , after all that , and working Joe , I got some fencing up on the gate , and also tied the stock panel that had come un - tied to the post . . . I have to get some new panels and get them up . Hopefully things are a bit more solid to prevent the dogs from getting in should they chose . . . I don 't know though . I have been giving a lot of thought to the camper situation . . . I am not sure I want to over extend myself for the camper . I do go to several trials a year ( optimally ) , but several are not far enough that I can 't stay at home , and go , and well , I just am loathe to get more debt . I spend most of my life worrying about money , and well , I just feel like it 's a dead heat between the camper making sense to get and paying off some debt . Don 't really know what to do . . . Will probably work Joe again today , and then that 's it . I was supposed to go look at a trailer , but it is so far away , I just can 't make another 2 + hour trip each way . . . I know of a couple other ones that are closer , but well , I am going to let a higher power help me in this decision . . . . I am a bit tired today , owing to the fact that Ginger kitty woke me at three something and I did not go back to sleep . I made a trip up to meet the used rv dealer and get a better look at the camper . He knew in advance I was coming , yet did not do anything to it ( as in clean it ) or set it up . I walked in and thought I might go through the floor - he said was going to fix it , and I asked if he would replace it , he said no , that he would just put new floor on it - will be stronger . . ahhh , leave that disgusting floor and just put new plywood on top . Anyone who knows me knows that I like things done right . . . Okay , so moving on , lots of storage space , and then he goes and gets the canvas ends pushed out . I immediately did not like that - too much room for wetness and well , basically it 's like a pop up . . . the canvas was also dirty / mildewy . I went into the bathroom and the floor to the bathroom / shower floor was so thin , I thought that I might go through that - and it was small , I am not small , but if I gained any weight I would not be able to fit in there . . . . I told him I was not " feeling it " with that camper and looked at others . He had a mid 80s on there , and you could see a leak had gone though above the cabinets and destroyed the fake wood . Basically , this guy doesn 't really DO anything to these things , he just flips them . So , I now know I do not want a hybrid , that 's for sure . When I left I realized I did not have my atm card , so I could not get cash for the tolls , so had to take the scenic way home . . . I had left my card in my pants pocket after I had gotten gas the previous day . Just glad I did not lose it , and had other options for routes to get home . I worked Joe a bit when I got home , and checked sheep . All have been marked . We will see if he marks anyone again next month , but then we should be fine . This week going with Charlie to pick up a ram for John to use . John 's truck is out of service , and Charlie has a stock trailer . My days of lifting sheep into pick ups are done anyway . Next weekend is the NY State Sheep and Wool festival . It 's the best one I 've been too , and I am going this year as well . Am picking up some things a fellow sheep person ordered , but then I am free to wander , eat and shop . This year they have a GREAT design for their shirts ( see above ) , If you would like a chance to win either a t - shirt , or sweat shirt , please write a comment , and list what you prefer ( sweat or tee ) and your size . I will do a random pick . Once the winner is selected , I will ask you to contact me with your mailing information . If for some reason , they don 't have sweat shirts , it will have to be a tee so , and I will let you know if that 's the case . Remember , I need your size too ! Yesterday after work I headed up to check out the camper . As it turned out the guy was not there , but I peeked inside and saw he had been checking it all out . It 's small . It 's a 2001 Keystone Cabana Hybrid . Has enough for me and my dogs . No a / c , but I can deal with that , just to get started in it . I was un - decided . . . So , I called him today , and all of a sudden the price went to $ 2500 , up from the $ 2000 . So , I plan to head up there soon and tell him I want it , but will pay no more than $ 2300 . He said he would do a lay away sort of plan , so that could really be a God send . So , we shall see , actually excited about this . . . Today , my dad came over with the power washer , and we got the house spiffy . Looks so much better - where does all that dirt come from ? ? ? Have some things I need to trim , and almost all the leaves are down , so the next thing is leaves ! ! ! Ran some errands , and then worked Joe . Wow , he is just amazing . Perhaps all dogs who get a bit of training each day progress like this , but I am just uber happy with him . He is like a sponge . I * really * like him . That 's my euphemism for " dang it 's cold out there ! It was cold last night , and damp . That combination forced me to allow the furnace to come on . I slept like a baby last night and did not wake until I heard the paper delivery guy drive off . For me , that 's a big deal . It was a good night . Yesterday , I worked Joe , and also got the last lawn mowing for the year done . Now , just have to wait a bit for the rest of the leaves to come down , and will get started on them . This weekend , my dad is coming by to help me power wash the green off my house . For some reason , my house attracts this , and it just looks bad , and I am rather proud of my house , so we will get it cleaned . I am also going to ask him to cut down my half dead pine tree in my front yard . It looks so bad , it has to go . Then , I will trim back a bunch of my shrubs . One other item is to replace some rotten boards on my front step . Worked Joe yesterday , he did great , he is so much fun to work , he 's got that great combination of instinct , biddability , initiative and confidence on sheep . I would take another just like him . Today , I am going to look at a camper , after I get my errands run . It will be a bit of a drive , but I think it will be well worth it , and it will pay for itself in a couple years of trialing . This is the time of year to buy one - everyone is looking to unload before winter . The sheep are good , still one more to be marked , but then that 's it . My friend John does not have a ram yet , and not sure if he will find one . I would sure like him to , because we want to have a trial at his place next summer , early fall , and just his adult ewes won 't cut it . So , we shall see . A few days ago I had gone with my dogs , to go look for some Angus heifers that had gotten out because the new to farming and new owner to these girls left the barn door open - yep , that old saying is true . . . Anyway , we went looking and I told him that there was just too much land to cover and to call me if he had a sighting . He called me day before yesterday and told me a caretaker on a 350 acre farm nearby had spotted the heifers in one of his fields . So , yesterday after work , I met the owner of these guys at his house , and several firemen , and one plumber showed up . . I was the only girl with seven men , kinda cool . . . . So , we headed out to where we saw them last . I drove my Jeep into the fields and had to use 4wd at one point , which I had not used yet , and got to the field where they were . I hopped into the caretakers Polaris Ranger , which was really nice , and Lucy , Bob , and I set forth looking . Lucy looked all over ( she quarters like a hunting dog ) and nothing . . . So , most of us got back to our vehicles , but three guys were lost - and they were the ones with the GPS ! That was not lost on us . . . ( no pun intended ) We took a fair bit of time beeping the truck horns and driving roads to find and pick up these errant firemen . . . I get a call last night , that the caretaker saw them . . . . Right where we were . . . I swear they are laughing at us . So , I told him since the field is not fenced , that he needs to start feeding them there , and get some cattle panels to make a fence up . He asked if he could use hog panels , or that sort of thing , and I made it clear that they would make mince meat out of them if they got scared - and they would - as they stampede the minute they seem someone . So , he 's going to try to get the panels and gradually start putting the feed in the pen . It 's really the only way , because that field is in the middle of woods , and there is no way we can herd them to where they need to go . It will have to be : get them in the pen , and get a trailer up there , some how , and load them up . What a huge pain this is . I did work Joe a bit yesterday , and Dan too . Sheep are good . I think there is only one more girl , maybe two to be marked . I am extremely tired today , don 't know why . I have a lot of yard work to do - the last mowing of the year and then will have my nephew do leaves ( he 's desperate to make money for his phone ) . I could also have him pick limbs up in the sheep field , as they are out of there , so that 's another job he can do . This weekend was a pretty good one , considering . Got a bit of house cleaning done , which was good , because it 's not often that urge strikes me . . . Have more to do , but it 's much better . . . . I don 't know where the dust comes from , but I am sick of it ! Saturday was a blur . Worked all day , and then went to the farm , worked Joe and Dan a bit , and then moved the sheep to the new field . Lots of good fodder up there for them . Joe worked so nice . He 's so workman - like - and that is what his breeder selected his mother for , and his dad is also like that . I am trying to mix it up a fair bit , and just let him have his head , so , if things go wrong , he can learn from them , instead of me not letting him figure things out . After the farm I drove to the farm of a guy who lost two Angus heifers . I offered to help him catch them with the help of Lucy and Dan . Well , when I got to his place and we drove around a bit , there is just no way to go " find " them in all that farm land . I told him he has to wait until he gets another sighting and I would be out . That was the tail end of the day , and I was beat that night . Sunday was cleaning day , and at the farm , I just walked the dogs ; did not feel like working them , and in general it was a nice quiet Sunday . I noticed on Sunday , that the previous day / night , after moving the sheep to the new field , the other two Romneys were marked . The ram is now being aggressive to the one he marked earlier - I think it 's because she wants to hang out with her friends , and the ram wants those girls to himself . Who knows , but he better not hurt anyone . . . I plan to leave them in that field until the grass is even with where they came from , and then , holding pattern until some time in November - would love to not give hay until late November , but we will see . Hope everyone had a good weekend - oh , I did watch some of Paula Deen 's cooking show - and I see her son is now branching out - he can stop with the " ya 'll " as it just does not fit him . . . I also watched / listened to the Pioneer Woman show - it was great - really like her and her family ! See ? Nice Sunday ! Computer is good to go ! Turns out it was operator error and when I got home after they proved to me there was nothing wrong with it , I realized I had not snapped the disc into place , as I never had to with my desk top . Duh ! So , now all I have to do is get my data transferred from my old computer to my new one and that dust collector can go ! Will also free up a lot of space in my spare room . Worked Joe just a tiny bit yesterday as it was really warm out there . Weird weather . Now we are supposed to cool off a lot - we shall see . I paid my taxes yesterday , thank GOD . This year was extremely difficult because of the car purchase , but I got it done . I also purchased a new computer yesterday - two of them . Yes , two of them . The first one the optical disc reader did not work , and I drove back and got a replacement . The second one , guess what ? SAME STUPID THING . I am so annoyed . I spent hours on that . At least my router worked well . So , today I bring it back . I want nothing to do with that particular model , and I want something with more RAM , as the tech guy hinted that 4 gig RAM is not enough . So , at some point today I will go deal with that . I need a new computer , just one that all parts work , eh ? I am not in the best mood - never am when I have to work weekends . Oh well , the money is duly needed , so I will deal with it . No work for Joe yesterday , too wet and icky . Also , a day off is not a bad thing for a pup . Was really warm last night ; had the window open . Slept really hard last night . Had Ginger Snaps and milk for dinner - that was good . Have to hit the grocery store today too . And more gas in the car . . . the killer . Remember the Peanuts movie " The Great Pumpkin " ? Well , we 've got the Mushroom version ! This is , I think , the world 's largest mushroom . I was walking the dogs , and saw this . Thinking it was a soccer ball , I kicked it , and it sort of fell to the side . I picked it up and took a whiff , and sure enough , it 's a mushroom . It 's huge ! I had to get a bit of video , because I did not have my camera with me . All this rain we have been getting makes things like Fungus grow I guess ! Wish we could enter it in the fair . . . Smells just like those mushrooms you pick up at the grocery store ; the ones we use in say , spaghetti sauce . . . Worked Joey a bit yesterday , but it was a bit warm out . I think I did too much yesterday - I started using whistles , and it was confusing him . So , back down a bit . I am also letting him scoop sheep out of weird places now that he has the concept of starting on one side and not crossing over . For the most part , he is good about that anyway ! I wondered why every time I brought him into the field he was pulling me toward the right . Well , yesterday I followed him and he was bringing me to the barn . . Ah , he knows the flock is in there . . . . Yesterday , as I walked down the fallen leaf , rain soaked lane with my dogs , I started to think about my younger life ; living at my parent 's house ( which is a little over a mile away , or less as the crow flies ) and how life was so very good then . I remember playing kick ball after school with the neighborhood kids , and bus rides where we all sang songs . We had some very cool bus drivers , and out school is in a small town , so we had a small classes . What I miss the most was the sense of being , of belonging . Knowing how your day would go in school , and after school , what you would do . During Christmas time , we would go Christmas caroling with real oil lamps . We would stop by The Knauss ' house and Mrs Knauss would give us all apple cake . All the neighbors loved to see us arrive and listen to us . Halloween would see a bunch of us kids going together and having brown bags half full of candy . We never worried about pins in candy , or other scary things . We also did not do bad things , we were a good group of kids . My parent 's house is on about an acre and a half , and they have always kept it neat and well landscaped . I always feel at home there . As I drove up there for dinner the other day , I got upset thinking about when the time comes that my parents either sell the house , or us kids have to . Will the new owners care about it like we did ? It makes me want to never let it go . So many memories there . As adults we spend so much time planning , and doing , and life goes by so much faster . We have new memories to forge and new friends to make , but none , so far , at least for me , have reached the bar of my child hood memories , and the feeling of belonging . I do feel at home in my home , and believe me , it took a long time for that to happen , but I would not say I have many memories there - that said , selling it would be hard , because it finally is home . Basically , I don 't want to move anywhere else alone , because I would still be just that , alone . I am so blessed to have my family near , and that my parents are doing well . In the end , as long as you love , and are loved , you are living , that I believe . After a full day of work yesterday , I met Charlie at the farm to get the paddock fence in . I had a new roll of sheep / goat fence sitting there , beckoning me to get the job done . So , after we cleared out the pile of limbs that was in the paddock , we set to the fence . Not that much fence at all , but we used trees , yes , you read it , trees as some of the posts . This is a tree farm , and well , I decided to make use of the ones that stood in a nice line . We got the posts in , the fence stretched and all the clips on / staples in where we needed it and it took us several hours . Way longer than I thought it would . Afterward , I was BEAT , I mean just beat . So glad it is done now though . Just have to hang a gate and we 're good to go . They should not be able to get out of here - I hope . After we finished , I took the dogs for a walk and then headed home , stopping for some fast food on the way . I just could not see having the energy to cook . So , got home , took care of animals and got in bed , yes , that 's exactly what I did . I didn 't even read my book . This morning I got up and noticed that I had several cuts on my hands ( you always get cut doing fence ) that hurt , and my back , oh my aching back . It hurt from when I cleaned out the barn , and this morning it hurt worse from the fence . Bending down to open dog crates . . . ow . . . So , today is a normal day again , and hope to work Joe . He gets buggered up when he can 't work . . . Anyway , that 's all for now ! My computer is on it 's last legs , so I have borrowed a lap top . Now I NEED to get a new computer . . . But , not until after I have paid my taxes next week . I swear , if I won the lottery , I would just set aside tax money until I died . . . . and pay everything off ; 0 ) The puniest lamb is doing better and he color is coming back . Glad I treated those who needed it . Still have some of that wormer left , so will keep checking everyone - especially the lambs . I cleaned out part of the barn on Saturday , and now my back hurts a bit - that hay loading I did really did a number on my back . Anyway , still a couple more areas to go , but it 's better . Sheep are otherwise good . One of the new Romney girls has been marked , and even if I didn 't have a marker on the ram , you would know who he has bred by how he sticks so close to his " favorite " girl . He must be very happy lately . Worked Joe both Sat and Sun , he 's doing well , and now , when he takes off , he knows it 's for an outrun , as opposed , generally to being wild and crazy . I do like working him . Had a nice dinner at my parent 's last night , pork roast with browned potatoes . Any meal with potatoes is a hit with me . I had to work Sunday , so my day was sort of off kilter . This week Charlie and I will get more done , and I will continue the usual stuff . No trials coming up , but that 's okay . I could use the no spending of money time ! Gas is enough to kill any un - necessary spending anyway ! |
" And now for the top story of the evening . Stoggton Springs is on high alert tonight after reports of a break - in on Oak Street last night have come up with no leads . Police say that they believe it was a single intruder , though they are not ruling out the possibility that it was a pair . Over one thousand dollars was stolen in cash , along with several electronics . The home was also vandalized . Currently the family is staying with a local friend until repairs can be done to the home . Police are asking anybody with information to contact them . . " Ana stared at her television even after she had turned it off . From her perch on the couch , she could see her reflection on the black screen . Curled up , with her chin on her knees as she tried not to panic . Just because she lived on Oak Street didn 't mean that somebody was going to break in here tonight , right ? Right . That was stupid . She slowly stood up and looked around the dim room , then made her way out into the entryway to double check that the door was locked . Once she was certain , she headed upstairs . The house was not massive , but Ana felt it was too large to live in on her own . There were three bedrooms , though she obviously only used one . Her parents had lived here , and her brother too . They had all died in a car accident five years ago , right after she graduated high school . Since then , she had slowly stopped leaving the house . Her social life died quickly and soon she was leaving only to get groceries . Though she had internet access , she did not communicate with her old friends . None of them seemed to understand or care . The only people she spoke to were the ones in the grocery store . She only knew the name of one - a guy she had gone to school with , who was the only person she could even come close to calling a friend anymore . She padded across the ivory carpet of her bedroom and slid into bed with a sigh . For all she knew , the burglar had been captured seconds after the broadcast . Maybe even now he was being hauled in for questioning or something . She closed her eyes , only to have them pop open a moment later when she heard a dog barking across the street . What if the dog was barking at a passing stranger ? What if she was next ? She didn 't have a gun or anything , and even if she did , she could never shoot somebody . Would she just hide ? What if they were violent ? She grabbed a pillow and tugged it over her head , attempting to quell the rising panic in her mind . Next door , a trash can had toppled over . That did it . Ana yelped and grabbed her phone off the small table next to her bed , quickly starting up a fresh text message to her one friend . They texted each other about once a month about random things , and this was probably going to be super awkward , but she was desperate . She just needed somebody else in the house . That was it . That sounded weird . She hesitated , biting her lower lip . He wouldn 't think this was completely bizarre , would he ? Maybe she was better off suffering in silence . She laid there for another twenty minutes before she finally added on to the text that was still waiting to be sent . The whole burglar thing freaks me out . . Gabe hadn 't been home from work very long that night . Even though he worked a double - shift , surprisingly he wasn 't tired at all . He turned his tv on just in time to catch the news report . " And now for the top story of the evening . Stoggton Springs is on high alert tonight after reports of a break - in on Oak Street last night have come up with no leads . Police say that they believe it was a single intruder , though they are not ruling out the possibility that it was a pair . Over one thousand dollars was stolen in cash , along with several electronics . The home was also vandalized . Currently the family is staying with a local friend until repairs can be done to the home . Police are asking anybody with information to contact them . . " After hearing this , Gabe quickly turned off the tv . He was lucky enough to live on the edge of Stoggton , but he still felt uneasy about the whole situation . He didn 't have much as far as valuables , but what he did have , he wanted to keep . But he didn 't have much to worry about right now . It would be a while before anyone got to where he was at , and when they did , he would be ready for them . Since it was just him at home alone , he didn 't have to worry about how he dressed . Having already thrown off his work clothes , he put on a pair of gym shorts to lounge around in . Not even feeling tired , he grabbed a beer out of the fridge and opened up his laptop . He had a story he had been slowly working on , but he usually worked better when he started drinking . He had just started typing , when he heard his phone go off . Wondering who in the hell could possibly be texting him this late at night , he grabbed the phone . When he saw who it was , he was a little surprised . Poor Ana had it rough . She was right there on Oak Street , too . He didn 't even think twice about his answer , and he replied as fast as his thumbs would allow him to . " I got you . Just got home from work . Be there in 20 . Keep locked and lights off until I get there , and I 'll call when arrived . " As soon as he sent the text , he put his phone down on the desk for a minute , then grabbed a bag and started to put some things in there . He grabbed a couple of shirts and an extra pair of shorts to sleep in . Then he reached into his desk and grabbed the small 9mm pistol he kept inside . He threw that in the bag and grabbed both the magazines that he had for it . After quickly throwing on his shoes and a shirt , he grabbed his bag and went into his car , heading out toward his friends house . The faint ding of an incoming text message made Ana yelp . After internally scolding herself for being a paranoid idiot , she read Gabe 's message and hopped out of bed . There was no way she could just sit still and wait . Instead , she spent her time double checking that all of the windows and doors were locked and there wasn 't a single light on . The end result was that her house was very dark . A crescent moon did not help much , and her house was at an odd angle from the road . It prevented streetlights from pouring in . She looked around , using her phone as a flashlight as she crept along . Somehow the lack of lights made everything more noisy . First it was a creak in the kitchen . She bolted to the living room , nearly have a stroke when she heard the faint honk of a car passing by . This was insanity . She kept pacing , not even daring to make popcorn or get out some movies . Instead , she moved back upstairs and crawled into bed to hide under the covers . It took a good ten minutes before she realized that staying in there would not work - how was she supposed to let Gabe in ? Reluctant as ever , she dragged herself back out and tiptoed down the stairs . She resumed her pacing , then finally gave in and went to the kitchen . Once she was certain nobody was in there , she put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and set the timer . At least that would be done by the time he got here . She stood there , watching the bag slowly spin around as she pondered . Did Gabe even like popcorn ? She had no idea . This kid was basically a stranger to her even though they went to school together . He was nice , she knew that , but she didn 't know details . What sort of movies did he like ? She had a little of everything , so that should be okay , but what if he was one of those strange people who didn 't like movies ? What then ? And would he be comfortable sleeping in her brother 's bedroom ? It was still full of Thomas the Tank Engine decorations . She hadn 't changed a thing in there since the accident . Even the bed was still unmade . Now that she was thinking on it , she didn 't know if she wanted anybody else in there . Even though there was a robber on the loose , the streets were rather empty . Most of the time , empty was a good thing , because it allowed him to get to his destination faster . This time , however , it made him nervous . Even though it wasn 't planned that way , he felt it an odd coincidence that there were no cars really on the road to keep this guy in hiding . Gabe had only been to Ana 's house a couple of times , but he remembered where it was at . As he made the turn onto her street , he went slower than normal . Yeah , he had been in a hurry to get there , but he also wanted to make sure that things were quiet in the street . He didn 't care if he was the one that caught this bastard , but he certainly wanted to make sure that there would be no issues when he got there . He kept the radio turned down low , just loud enough to make sure he stayed awake behind the wheel . As he saw her house off to the side , he turned off his lights and coasted to a stop outside . He didn 't call her right away , though , because he wanted to make sure there wasn 't anybody around . Pulling out the pistol from his bag , he walked around the house , doing a quick search . Once he determined that it was clear , he went back and grabbed his bag out of the car and pulled the phone out of his pocket to call Ana . Ana heard a faint slam outside . Adjusting her position slightly , she lingered in the shadows of the entryway while peering outside . She could barely make out the shape of a car in her driveway . Was that Gabe 's car or somebody else ? She doubted the burglar drove around like that , just pulling into driveways . That would be too suspicious . . or would it ? It actually made sense . They had to have some way to carry everything they stole . Maybe they just drove up to houses as if it was normal . Nobody would look twice unless they knew what their neighbors drove and paid attention . She frowned at the thought . It could be anybody . She yelped in alarm , ready to bolt until she realized the sound was her phone . Gabe 's name flashed across her screen and she just stared at it for a moment . Oh . Well , now she felt ridiculous . He had told her that he would call when he got there . Obviously that was just his car and she was just jumping at shadows . If he heard that , he was probably going to poke fun . Great . She sighed and pressed the green button on her screen , putting the phone to her ear as she walked to the front door . " Hey , " she said , her voice quiet as she unlocked the deadbolt and the regular lock . She turned the knob and carefully pulled the door open , looking up to find him standing on the other side . He had a bag and looked prepared for a sleepover . In fact , he looked exhausted . Had she woken him up ? She hadn 't given much thought to the hour , but it was quite late . Now she felt bad . If he had to work early in the morning , he really should be sleeping already . Behind her , the microwave was beeping , signalling that the popcorn was ready . As soon as Ana opened the door , Gabe could hear the microwave beeping . With how late it was , that could only mean that the popcorn was done . She looked really scared , even if she wasn 't going to admit it to him . This whole burglary thing really had her on edge , and to be honest , it had him a little on edge as well . Before he walked inside , he hit the alarm button on his key ring , activating the security feature on the car . He didn 't think anyone would break in , but if they tried it , they would be met with a very loud alarm , probably waking up the whole neighborhood . After the car was locked , he walked inside and gave her a quick and gentle hug . " Thanks for calling me . " After he spoke , he put his bag next to the couch and took his shoes off , going back into the relaxed state he was in . Even though he was worried about the whole thing , he had to act calm and try to keep her calm as well . It wasn 't going to be easy , but it was something he had to do . The place was as he remembered it from the last time he was there , which was right after the accident . While they weren 't the best of friends , he always liked when she texted him , even if it wasn 't all that often . It let him know that she was still at least thinking about him as a friend , even if it was times like this , when she wanted him there for safety and comfort . He did hope that this situation would be resolved quickly , though . Not because he didn 't want to be around her , but because he didn 't want either of them to be too uncomfortable with the situation . " Thanks for coming over . . I 'm sorry about texting you so late , I didn 't realize what time it was . I was just watching the news and they were talking about that guy or guys or whatever and I guess . . I kind of got really freaked out . Things keep making noise . It 'll be nice having somebody here , " Ana explained , biting her lower lip uncertainly after realizing that she was saying way more than she needed to . Great . Honestly , she wasn 't used to having company . This was the first time since the funeral and memorial services that she had even had somebody in here apart from the lawyer that had come to have her sign paperwork a week afterward . That was it . Gabe had been here though , she remembered that . He had come to the services and been very nice . " Uh . . I 'm going to get the popcorn . The t . v . is over there , " she said , pointing , then pointing to the cabinet beneath it . " Movies are there . There are a couple hundred , I think . Just pick whatever you want , I 've seen them all already . " Leaving him to his own devices to pick a movie and settle in , she wandered off to the kitchen . She already felt a little better . Surely two people in a house was better than one when it came to the risk of being robbed , right ? It was better to have Gabe 's car in the driveway . That would ward people off . Without a car , it looked like nobody was home . She poured the hot popcorn into a big bowl and glanced at the clock . Nearly midnight . She frowned guiltily and sighed . Well , if he hadn 't wanted to , he wouldn 't have come . Right ? Right . She couldn 't feel too badly about it now . " Find one ? " she asked , coming back out into the living room and taking a seat on the couch before placing the popcorn bowl next to her so that it would be in easy reach for both of them . " Don 't even worry about it . " Gabe waved her off when she talked about the time . He didn 't care about what time it was , all he wanted was to make sure she was safe . He didn 't have work tomorrow anyway , and he had already decided that if he got called in , he would turn it down . It wasn 't too long before he began to feel the effects of his double - shift . Even though he waned to sleep , he was going to have to force himself to stay awake . Having a movie to watch would help , and if he got too tired , he could always just munch on some popcorn . Not even thinking about much else , he picked up Saving Private Ryan , knowing that it had plenty of action in it to help keep him awake . He also knew the movie well enough to not let the little noises distract him and make him think something was wrong . After he put the movie in , Gabe sat next to Ana . He was very carefully listening to sounds that weren 't either the movie playing or one of them eating popcorn . He hadn 't heard anything out of the ordinary , but any time there was a noise that came from outside , he always glanced over at his bag , remembering that he came armed just in case there was an issue with anything . Saving Private Ryan . That was a good movie . Ana munched on a small handful of popcorn , alternating between watching the movie on the screen and glancing around the room to make sure no shadows were moving . It was harder to tell when a movie was going . She kept thinking she saw something only to find it had been the way the colors shifted on screen . Sitting on the soft couch wasn 't helping either - it made her extremely tired , and she was soon fighting the urge to nod off . Her arms curled around her legs and she rested her cheek on her knees , gazing at the television . The thought of a possible break - in occurring the second that Ana allowed herself to fall asleep kept her motivated to stay awake . She lingered between sleep and full wakefulness , in a drowsy little daze , too tense to truly drift off . The movie took her attention completely and she zoned out gazing at it , no longer paying attention to shadows or flicks of light cast by the screen . Even with the high action that the movie contained , Gabe still found it hard to stay awake . The only thing that really kept him going was the fact that he was there for a reason . While he watched the movie , his eyes couldn 't help but wander around . He would look at the window , then he would look at Ana , then he would look back at the window , then at the door , before finally returning back to the movie . The whole process took about 5 seconds , but he did it multiple times throughout the movie . He could almost feel the nervous energy in the room because of this whole shitty situation . When the movie ended , he stood up and stretched , not wanting to get any more comfortable than he already was . Wanting to make sure everything was still alright outside , he went and grabbed the pistol out of his bag . " Stay here . I 'm gonna go check outside . . . see if everything is still alright . " After he spoke , he unlocked the door and opened it , closing it behind him when he went out . He knew his check wouldn 't last very long , but he hoped that Ana was cautious enough to lock the door behind him . Ana flinched as Gabe stood up , having been nearly asleep and not paying attention . She sat up straighter and rubbed her eyes , then looked over at him as he walked to the door and explained that he was going to check outside . Her mind immediately balked against the idea . Why was he going out ? Had he heard something ? It was so late ! She glanced at the clock . The sun would be coming up in just a couple of short hours . Even now that she was panicking about him leaving , she still felt exhausted . She stood and carefully went over to the door after he was outside . Still dark out . She could still see the faint outline of his car in the driveway . Her fingers traced the lock briefly but she left it alone after realizing he had no key to get back in . She lingered by the door for about a minute , then trudged back to the couch with a yawn . He would be back soon . In the meantime , she would sit and wait . She curled up on the couch , watching the movie credits drift by for less than a minute before she ended up falling asleep . Gabe did a quick circle around his car first , since it was right there . He hadn 't heard the alarm go off , but he wanted to make sure that nobody or nothing was hiding around it to set it off . Once the car was clear , he walked around the side of the house , poking around at the bushes and the trees . He was going to make this the last patrol of the night , so he wanted to make sure that it was clear before he went back inside . He was very slow and deliberate with his movements outside , checking every possible place that someone could hide . Once his search was finished , Gabe went back inside , only to find Ana asleep on the couch , with the credits just finishing on the screen . He quietly locked the door behind him , then put his pistol back in the bag and walked over to her . He took a blanket that was nearby and covered her up with it , then walked over and put another movie in . He didn 't want to sit back on the couch , because it was really comfortable and he didn 't want to risk falling asleep too quickly , so he sat on the floor in front of her , leaning up against the couch for support . As the second movie started , a sudden noise on screen startled Ana awake . She raised her head and blinked sleepily , looking around as she slowly realized that she was covered by a warm blanket . After a few seconds , she noticed she was sitting up , her chin on her knees . Gabe was sitting in front of her , his back within easy reach . That meant she wasn 't alone . Comforted by the thought , she gently shifted to lay down on the couch , staying close behind him and trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to disturb him . As soon as she was down , she fell back to sleep with ease . The next morning , the sound of a police siren passing by woke her . She rubbed her face and yawned , stretching along the couch . It was early , but she felt rested enough . She got up , carefully avoiding Gabe if he had decided to sleep on the floor . Since he had stayed , she figured that she should at least feed him breakfast . She felt guilty about the entire situation now . There had been a break - in , that was it . Why had she felt the need for a babysitter ? She frowned at the thought , making herself uneasy . Maybe Gabe thought of her that way too - incapable of being alone . Cowardly . She sighed and started to cook pancakes , silently brooding to herself about it all . Gabe hadn 't realized it , but he ended up falling asleep where he was sitting . All he did was lean his head back against the couch and he was out . It certainly wasn 't the most comfortable position for him to be sleeping in , but with how tired he was , coupled with how late it was , comfort wasn 't a very big priority for him . He really didn 't want to sleep at all , but he knew that he would fall asleep at some point , and he also knew that Ana was safe for tonight . The outside was clear , the door was locked , and she was all snuggled up on the couch sleeping . Had it not been for the police siren , Gabe probably wouldn 't have woken up the next morning . He didn 't see a pressing need to be concerned , though . It was morning , so there probably wasn 't going to be anybody trying to break into the house in broad daylight . Even still , he thought it would be a better idea to keep the doors locked , just in case . As he sit there rubbing out his neck , he didn 't realize that Ana was already awake . The smell of pancakes was what made him realize that fact . " Hope you were able to sleep well last night with everything going on . " With a small groan , he got up from his spot and called into the kitchen , not wanting to startle her . " I slept alright . Did you ? " Ana replied , carefully flipping over the pancakes to cook the gooey other side . They already smelled pretty good . She set the spatula down and got out a couple of plates and forks , then wandered over to the fridge to pull out butter and syrup . It was getting close to her monthly shopping trip time . She always dreaded it . It meant going outside , something that she really wasn 't comfortable with anymore . Still , she had to deal with it if she wanted to eat . Going outside meant survival and danger all rolled into one awful package . She made a face to herself and finished up the pancakes , putting a small stack on each plate . " I could have slept better , but it wasn 't too bad . " Gabe slowly walked into the kitchen , stretching and cracking his neck . Even though he was tired , he felt a sense of security , knowing that he was doing something to help out a friend . Still , he hadn 't stayed in a house that wasn 't his in a long time , so he felt a little unsure of himself . He didn 't want to seem like he was intruding on her if she had plans of her own . All he wanted to do was make sure that she felt safe , even if that meant that he had to stay again that night . He was a little surprised when she mentioned him leaving . Yeah , he hadn 't really planned on staying for the whole day , but the thought of leaving hadn 't really crossed his mind . " Oh . . . thanks . You didn 't have to do that , though . And I don 't have anything planned for today . . . I don 't know if you wanted some company . . . or if you want your space , that 's cool , too . I don 't want to be in the way or anything . " [ I know that feeling . I 've been fighting it for the past few days myself . You don 't have to rush a reply to this , I just hope you feel better . Ana nodded a little as he responded , picking up her own plate . After shutting the stove off to make sure that she didn 't set the place on fire or anything , she got them out some silverware and started buttering her pancakes . It wasn 't until she was dumping syrup on that Gabe mentioned he could possibly stay . She hadn 't really considered that . The news would be coming on in about an hour and she assumed that it would be good news . That police cruiser that had gone by with the siren blaring earlier probably meant they had caught the idiot who was breaking in everywhere , right ? So the danger was over . She pondered that , picking up a fork and turning to face him . " I wouldn 't mind you staying , but I will probably be busy today , " she said thoughtfully . " Today is the day I usually do cleaning and laundry and stuff . It tends to be pretty busy since I put it off all week long . Not fun . But . . if you wanted to come over some other time and we can do a movie again , that would be cool . " It felt awkward to extend such an invitation to him like that . She obviously wasn 't one to do any sort of ' hanging out ' since she didn 't really have friends anymore , but she did like Gabe as a person and wouldn 't mind spending more time with him if he wanted . He was nice , and it was sweet of him to come over last night . She really did have a lot to get done , but at some point in the future , a movie time spent not being terrified of a burglar would be fun . He nodded at her when she spoke . He hadn 't expected her to say yes to his offer to stay , so he wasn 't even upset at her when she told him that she was busy . Him having to leave wasn 't a bad thing , though . It meant that he had time to make sure he was more prepared for if something like this happened again . It would also give him a chance to sleep in a more comfortable position when he got home . His neck still had a few kinks in it from last night , but that could be helped with a nice hot shower when he got home . " No , it 's fine . I 'll certainly think about coming over again and hopefully , things will be a little more enjoyable for both of us . Not that last night wasn 't enjoyable , but . . . the scenario was not . . . pleasant . " He started to blush lightly as he fumbled with his words at the end . He then hid his face and quickly started eating , embarrassed that he was having such a hard time with his words this morning . Ana nodded immediately . Last nice definitely wasn 't pleasant . Well , Gabe 's company was fine , but the idea of some creep lurking outside was enough to keep her from enjoying it too much . Still , she did appreciate that he had come over , and he hadn 't been one of those annoying people who talk too much . All in all , he was somebody that she wouldn 't mind inviting over again . He was a good movie buddy - and he even liked popcorn . That was a plus . She hoped that the next time he visited , they weren 't both on edge about a burglar . Maybe then they could have some sort of a conversation that wasn 't terribly tense and awkward . " I think that siren earlier was probably a cop who picked the guy up . It 's probably over now , so . . Next time will be better , " she murmured , giving voice to her thoughts as she finished off her breakfast . Once she was done , she began to do the dishes out of habit , but she was in no way rushing him to finish . That would be rude . She just liked getting things done instead of letting them sit around . " I hope that 's the case . I can 't stand the thought of that creep being out another night . " He said , slowly finishing his plate of food . Even though she had started cleaning and doing dishes , he didn 't rush to finish his food . If nothing else , he could clean his own items before he left . He wasn 't lying to her , either . Even though he wasn 't in immediate danger , he didn 't like the thought of criminals running free . When he finished , he stood up and slowly walked into the kitchen . He saw that she was almost done with the dishes , so he set his plate on the counter so that he could clean it when she was done . " Thank you for breakfast . And thank you for texting me last night . I 'll . . . always be here to help . . . if you need it . " He felt a little nervous saying that , but he didn 't have anything to worry about really . Even if he was at work when she contacted him , he was cool with his boss , so he could always just take off early if he needed to . 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Well this week has been pretty uneventful but I have managed to learn a few new words . In fact , new words are coming on quickly now . My dad introduced me to a plum and I immediately repeated the word as he told it to me . I 'm that good . Along with many many other words , I now say milk , grandma , grandpa , no and yeah . Oh and I say hi now as well . When I say hi or bye , it sounds like I 'm from Texas or somewhere in the south because I say with a slight accent . My mom and dad get a kick out of it . Words are certainly coming in fast now and I really like surprising them when I say something that they weren 't expecting . I am back to my dancing ways . Ever since I was running around and dancing at my grandpa 's house a while back , I have been in a mood . I love to run around the house bumping into things and just laughing as much as can be . My dad plays along and we run back and forth through the room . It is so much fun . Kaitlyn is doing really good lately . She has been much quieter and more pleasant to be around . I still love her a whole bunch though and still enjoy holding her , kissing her and squeezing her nose . She doesn 't like when I squeeze her nose though Her rash has gone away and we are now just working on that cradle cap . It 's going to take a bit though . Woah ! Let me tell you how good of a big brother I am . I was just giving Kaitlyn a kiss and she spit up on me ! Yuck ! I grabbed her burp cloth and cleaned her up though and gave her a big hug . I know how hard it is to be a baby and I want to make her feel happy and wanted . I 'm the best big brother ever . As mentioned previously , my wife 's day tends to be filled with a lot of bouncing , feeding and diaper changes . A typical life of the parents of a newborn I imagine . That doesn 't mean we have to like hearing her scream if we put her down for a split second . She would be physically attached to my wife if she could be . It is really the only way she will get to sleep or calm down . We have been waiting for the day that something else catches her eye and keeps her occupied . Something that will calm her down but their back isn 't going to snap . We purchased a nice mobile a few weeks ago in hopes of this but she wouldn 't even look at it . We figured this would be the case and waited for the day . Yesterday was that day . My wife tells me that yesterday was Kaitlyn 's best day . Best day in regards to clinginess . She did not require my wife to hold her at all times and she even enjoyed her mobile . Like with Rylan , I printed out some high contrast images to put onto the mobile and she seems to be enjoying them as well . Generally , her mood was up yesterday . She gave my wife a bunch of smiles and shows continued signs of becoming more and more alert and aware of what is around her . When we were out doing errands yesterday , she was alert but quiet for most of the time . That silence was broken though when we started to head home . It 's always nice to drive with a screaming baby taking your head off . Her scheduling is becoming better . She has been a great sleeper at night and has progressively been going down earlier each night . Last night she was zonked out enough to fall asleep at around 9 : 00pm . This is a much improvement over a few nights where we were up at 2 : 00am or later . Most of the time though she goes down between 10 : 00pm and 11 : 00pm . It was a nice surprise from her . Maybe she thought she would be nice and allow my wife and I a breather and a break on our sore backs . Maybe it was only a 1 time thing . Baby steps is all we ask for . There are moments in parenting that you can look back at and smile because it is so ridiculous . Kids do crazy things . In our home , we do watch television . Rylan wakes up each morning and heads downstairs to watch his Disney shows while my wife takes care of Kaitlyn and prepares Rylan 's breakfast . On the weekends , we pretty much have the same routine except that I usually take Rylan down for food while my wife stays upstairs to take care of Kaitlyn . Rylan has enjoyed watching the My Friends Tigger and Pooh show for a few months now but this last weekend I actually sat down and really watched it with him . I had seen bits of it but it had never really processed in my head . Little did I know that I would use one of its best quotes later on that day . So the idea behind the show is that Tigger , Pooh and Darby are detectives , solving mysteries in the 100 acre woods . When they run into a tough issue , they break into a huge song and dance when Darby says they need to " Think . Think . Think . " . Shortly after , they have fixed the problem and the day is saved . Our home is still up for sale and on Saturday we had a call from a realtor that wanted to show . The house was a mess and I was trying to get my wife to tell them to show it tomorrow instead . She got mixed signs and told them to give us 45 minutes . We rushed around like crazy people cleaning the house up but the real fun came later that night when we were briefly talking about the crazy idea to have them come in 45 minutes . I said to my wife ( in a nice way ) , " You need to do what Darby does . Think . Think . Think . " My wife couldn 't do anything but laugh and be amazed that I used an insult from a children 's television show . It was highly effective nonetheless . What is the world coming too when you actually use an insult from a television show ? That is the moment you realize how much parenting has taken over your life . I was a bit bummed though that we didn 't get to go through the entire song and dance like they do on the show . I think Rylan would have got a kick out of that . Diva : A woman that must have her way exactly , or no way at all . Often rude and belittles people . Believes that everyone is beneath her . Selfish . Spoiled . Overly Dramatic . That about sums up Kaitlyn 's attitude right about now . Of course this is the way most newborns are I guess . My wife and I get verbally abused if we are not holding Kaitlyn at all times . It 's amazing . She is just now showing some early early signs of being able to do something other than eat , poop or scream . Someday the bouncer or swing will help soothe her I hope . Our backs could certainly use a break and so could our ears . At the beginning of the week we stopped by my grandpa 's house . They have a tub filled with toys for me to play with . I like chasing the balls down when they throw them . My Grandma Tina has been sitting down with me and playing the musical keyboard . I like to push the keys down to make a bunch of different sounds . I know where the demo button is as well which plays some pretty crazy tunes . This time around it was special though because I liked the very first tune they sample and I would dance around . My Grandma got into this and even my Grandpa were all participating . I was spinning around and running into people , it was so much fun . We went to see Shrek 3 at the theater this week . It was fun but I had a bit of a hard time keeping concentrated because it was a bit boring at times . We arrived at the theater a bit late and it had already started so the lights were already dimmed . We could barely find where to sit because it was so dark . Luckily the theater was only 1 / 5th full so that made it a bit easier but still , can 't they turn on a light or something ? Let 's see what else . . My sister has come along way recently and is now beginning to know when to scream and when not too . She even watches her mobile a bit now which is nice . It gives my ears a break . She is a pretty needy baby and seems like she always wants to be fed or held . I hope she grows out of that fast . Halloween is not too far away now . My mom has learned from previous years that the good costumes sell up really quickly so we went the other day and picked them out . I am not going to spoil the fun and tell you what I am going to be this year . I can , however , tell you that Kaitlyn will be extremely cute in her outfit . I hear that we may have rain in our forecast this weekend . Maybe it won 't be so hot and we can actually go outside and do something fun . Yippy ! Have a good weekend . This year , we seem to be one of the stops on the tour for the cricket population . For whatever reason , the crickets have decided that our home is a nice place to hang out and live their final days . I don 't recall this ever being a problem in the past but at least we have a bug man now . I have been spotting these pesky crickets for about a month now and every time that I go take care of one , Rylan is right by my side . He just loves looking at these things . In fact , he loves to look at all bugs . We seem to be a hideout for super tiny spiders as well and he loves to spot these things and say " Bug ! " . He has learned to say bug and now even cricket . The other day , my wife tells me that she heard Rylan saying bug and cricket and when she went to check on him , she noticed he was running around with a wipe in his hand going after a bug . Looks like he had already got a hold of a cricket and ripped it in half but he was still going after another bug as well . He is our new bug man that can spot just about any bug possible . Last night , as I was brushing his teeth , he spotted a cricket crawling up the wall right above his bed . I took notice of it and tried to hurry with his brushing so that I could take care of it before it went out of sight or fell onto his bed . I was too late and it vanished . Rylan immediately spotted it though , on his bed . I took care of it and showed Rylan up close what a cricket looked like . He , of course , said " Yuck ! " . When I was a kid , I remembered that there was a movie theater that we would occasionally go to that was super cheap . I believe , back then , it only cost $ 1 for a movie . Of course , they play old movies but as a kid , you really don 't care . As mentioned before , Rylan has made it difficult to see any movies over the past couple of years but we had a shimmer of hope when we had a 100 % successful trip to see UnderDog . I decided to roll with this and see just how well Rylan would act during another movie . My wife introduced him recently to the Shrek movies and he has been all over them . I checked the cheap movie theater out and sure enough , they were showing the Shrek 3 movie . Perfect ! I made some calls to the theater to ask some basic questions on prices and see if their prices were adjusted for kids at all . I heard what would make me shed a tear of joy . On Tuesdays , it is only $ 1 . 50 per person . Are you kidding me ? I can take the entire family to the movies for $ 4 . 50 ? Whohoo . We picked a showtime and made our way through the theater . It was just like I remembered . The place is small and cozy . It isn 't too crowded , even on the $ 1 . 50 day . It is perfect for a family that has a child that you are not certain is going to sit through the movie . As for the movie , Rylan did pretty well . He had a few times when he started to talk , try to stand up on his seat or just want to walk between my wife and I . The lady and child behind us were worse though so we didn 't feel it was an issue . Underdog certainly kept his interest more than Shrek 3 . This was probably because the movie really wasn 't that great . Shrek 2 was much better . I think we have found our new Tuesday entertainment . We are hoping to work with Rylan and get him further adjusted on how to behave at the theater . He is certainly showing good signs though . Maybe we can get Kaitlyn adjusted while we are at it . Permalink | From a very young age , Kaitlyn has always seemed to have a rash on her face . Over time , it progressively spread to her neck and back of the head . We originally thought this was caused because of her spitting up at night and it just resting on her cheek until morning when we noticed it . Her spitting up had stopped but the rash continued . Some days it seems to be more noticeable than others but it never looked great . We decided it was time to take her to the doctor . Yesterday we made an appointment and had her checked out . She thought it was both baby acne plus exzema . She recommended a bit of Aveeno Baby lotion to help clear it up . She shows no other signs of sensitive skin except on her face which confuses me a bit . The baby wash that we use is hypoallergenic which you would think should help prevent this type of issue . I guess not . My wife has also been tackling Kaitlyn 's cradle cap . We started noticing the crusty spots on her head and eyebrows and immediately knew what it was . Rylan never experienced this however my wife had a friend who 's newborn had it so she was aware of it . We are currently tackling that with a bit of baby oil and combing the crusty bits out . Fun times for everyone , especially Kaitlyn . The doctor recommended trying Selsun shampoo on Kaitlyn . We are a bit curious on how to effectively use it on her eyebrows though without getting it in her eyes . That should be as fun as scraping away the crusty flakes . It 's going to take some time before this issue goes away it seems . Rylan , as an infant had very few troubles so it throws me off a bit to see Kaitlyn with these minor issues . I guess I expect her to be like Rylan was but I am realizing quickly that it isn 't the case . Permalink | Oobleck , something my wife remembers from childhood and has been talking about for years now . She has been waiting for a long time to show this nifty trick to Rylan . When she talked about Oobleck , I had no idea what it was . I was never a huge fan of the Dr . Seuss books so this one slipped by me . Turns out though that I did know what Oobleck was except for the name . I remember from the Mr . Wizard show , learning about this amazing little trick . So what is Oobleck ? From Wikipedia . . The word has since been used to describe a substance that is used as a science aid to teach children about liquids and solids . This oobleck is created from cornstarch OR potato flour ( 1 part water to 1 . 5 - 2 parts cornstarch / potato flour . Depending on what kind you want to have ; the more starch , the more solid ) . Though initially it acts like a liquid or a jelly , squeezing it in your hand will make it appear to be a solid for a short time . The slime - like substance also behaves in an interesting manner when thrown in the air , molded , heated , or vibrated . Substances like this that become more viscous when agitated or compressed are a subset of non - Newtonian fluids called dilatants . Simple as that . Rylan had a good time playing with the Oobleck we made for him . It took him a bit to warm up to the idea of touching it and having it ooze off his hands but eventually he got into it . If you leave your hands on it , they will sink a bit and be difficult to pull out which Rylan seemed to have fun with . He enjoyed watching it ooze off his hands . I don 't know what the deal has been for the past year . I haven 't been interested in sitting through a movie but that Underdog sure did the trick . I had a lot of fun hanging out with my grandma , having lunch and seeing a movie . I hope that we can make a habit of this . I heard that my dad printed out some food shapes and laminated them so that we can have some fun . With all of these toy recalls lately , it 's probably safer to play with paper only . He printed out some ice cream pieces and pizza ones too . It should be fun to make my own little paper pizza . Of course it won 't taste as good as a real pizza would . Mmmm now I 'm hungry . Kaitlyn made last night difficult for my mom and dad . She just wasn 't interested in sleeping . She would go down for a little bit but soon would wake back up and be full alert . Very frustrating I bet . My dad was just bouncing her in the pitch black in hopes that it would calm her down and remove anything that could distract her . I don 't know if I ever had those types of nights but if I did , I 'm sorry mom and dad . Well , with the help of my mom , I have been expanding my realm of movies . I have been watching the Shrek movies over and over . I have even had the chance to watch a bunch of Disney movies that I haven 't seen very many times . Mary Poppins is still my favorite though . So I got good bit of shock and confirmation that we will be heading to Disneyland soon again . My mom always likes to get me and now my sister a new t - shirt to wear while there . This time , she got me one that has Peter Pan on it and it even says my name . Kaitlyn got one personalized as well and it has Tinker Bell on it . They are very neat . My mom always designs the best shirts . My mom and I are going to be making cookies this weekend . I have been practicing by playing with some Play - Doh . I like to cut out all types of shapes with the cookie cutters . I think it will be fun to make the cookies with my mom . Around Christmas time , my mom even bought us kiddos an apron to wear for things like this . Mine is pretty darn nice . My dad will certainly get some pictures . Kaitlyn 's ear issues seem to have faded away . We had been giving her medicine a few times per day which she never liked to do . The ear oozing quickly faded and after doing the test of putting pressure near the side of the head right next to the ear , she no longer responds as if she was in pain . We are very happy to have tackled that problem quickly and caused her little discomfort . She seems to be getting back to her quieter self lately too which is always helpful . People will tell you that every child is different . This is true , in most regards . The 9 months of pregnancy are not just used for the child 's physical development . No , it is also used for more cynical things . I 'd say around the 6th month or so , they begin to learn about all of the buttons that can be pushed to drive a parent insane . Let me explain . . . There are 2 things that I have noticed about both Kaitlyn and Rylan that simply drive me nuts . Picture this , Kaitlyn is falling asleep in my arms . I continue to bounce and soothe her a bit afterwards just to make sure that she is fully asleep . She looks peaceful and ready for a long nap . I am ready to get some other house work done . I lay her down in her playpen and walk away . Phew . Relief at last . I begin working on doing whatever needs to be done at the house and then out of the blue I hear the start of a cry . I try to ignore it to see if it was a temporary thing . Aye , the kiddo is up and fully alert . How is this possible ? ! ? How did she take a speedy nap and wake up full of energy ? How can I learn this technique ? This is the daily routine with both Kaitlyn and Rylan as an infant . I now call this the 3 5 or 10 Rule . Why you ask ? Quite simple actually . You can almost place bets that your child will wake up after 3 , 5 or 10 minutes . If they get passed that 10 minute mark , the odds are now in your favor that they will be out for an extended period . That is when you can really relax your body and get on to the rest of the days work . If the 3 5 or 10 rule is not impressive enough . I have discovered another thing that developing babies are instructed about during the pregnancy . That would be elevations . The simple difference between being 5 feet in the air compared to 2 feet . Let me explain . I am back again , holding or bouncing Kaitlyn and she looks content . She is not sleepy or wide awake . She is just in a state of calm . Perfect . Maybe I can sit down and rest my aching back and legs . I sit down slowly as not to disturb her peace . My butt hits the soft cushion and as I let out a breath , I am welcomed once again to a fussy baby . You have got to be kidding me ! How does this dang child of mine know when I 'm standing up compared to sitting down . My arms are holding her in the same position ! They are testing me and I am clearly losing ( it ) . How do both kids have this abnormal sense of elevation ? I wish I had some explanations . As a kid , some of my best memories were making cookies with the family . While my wife did not have this opportunity many times , she wants Rylan to enjoy baking as much as she does now . She is an amazing cake decorater if you ask me . We took a step towards this last night when my wife whipped up a batch of icecream cone cupcakes . These were my favorite as a kid and one of my top desserts even now . Once the cupcakes were finished we sat down with Rylan and had some fun decorating them . His main concern at first was tasting them rather than decorating them . In fact , he ate a knife full of icing which shot shivvers down my spine . After he got that out of his system it was on to the business at hand . We gave Rylan a few colored sugar sprinkles and some other basic ones too . It took a bit to warm up but afterwards he was decorating those cupcakes like the best of them . Of course he took some samples along the way . I think Rylan had a fun time with this little food project . This was confirmed with the amount of chocolate frosting he had all over his face and arms . I know that my wife has another fun project for him to do soon with her that includes cookies . Expect some pictures of that project as well . . In a half daze , I walked downstairs this morning and prepared to leave . I got on my shoes and immediately noticed that they were really loose . Half out of my body , I laughed and thought maybe my feet had shrunk . They continued to be loose on the drive to work and after I got to work . Now I have to think of a way to get him back . Maybe I will change his diaper and put one of Kaitlyn 's on him instead . Let 's see how he is laughing then . We took Rylan to his first movie at a very young age . We were given the chance to see Bambi 2 at the theater prior to them releasing it straight to DVD . Rylan did really well and we thought this was going to be the norm . We were confirmed this theory when we are able to see Brother Bear 2 at the theater free as well . Rylan was a bit older but still did really well and sat through the entire movie with minimal fussing . How did we know that he wouldn 't sit through any other movies until now ? We had tried taking Rylan to movies occasionally since Brother Bear 2 . Of course , we always chose children 's movies in hopes that it would keep his attention long enough to watch the entire movie . This never did happen though . Sometimes before the movie had even started and other times 10 - 15 minutes into the movie , we saw that Rylan just wasn 't interested . We bailed every time . Lucky for us , movie theaters are pretty good about returning money within the first couple of minutes . We tried everything we could think of to keep his attention long enough for the movie to start and keep him in awe . Rylan 's grandma had been telling us for a bit that she wanted to take Rylan to the theaters to see Underdog . We were reluctant at first and didn 't want to set any high expectations so of course we gave her Rylan 's rundown of movie history . Rylan napped a bit before lunch and he was happy after that so we knew we had a chance to actually get through an entire movie . We got our tickets and headed to the concession stand . We picked Rylan up a bag of cotton candy to keep his interest a bit . ( Yes , we know sugar is bad ) Previous attempts , Rylan would blow through an entire bag before the movie had even started . This time he was pacing himself . We sat Rylan in his own chair and watched as his butt slid down the crack and the chair began to fold up . Rylan re situated himself and with a bit of help from my leg , he watched as the movie began . While he watched the movie , I watched Rylan enjoy the movie as much as everyone else did . He continued to eat his cotton candy but at a snails pace . He ended up only eating half of the bag by the time the movie had ended . Amazing . This is a huge step for us . We now see a light at the end of the tunnel in regards to seeing movies at the theater with Rylan . His grandma being there may have had a big impact but we see a lot of potential now . I think our next movie theater visits will be at one of our local theaters that show older movies for super cheap . These theaters are never busy and should help get Rylan adjusted even more . Are are going to go through the same thing with Kaitlyn ? I 'm betting we will . We may need to knock out as many movies as we can . Kaitlyn made us proud and slept through the entire movie . Isn 't it nice how they can sleep through such loud noises ? Well its been a long week I tell ya and I 'm a bit glad it 's nearly over . My sister has been crying a bunch more lately and just the other day we realized that she was draining some yellow stuff from her ear . My dad came home and we made a trip to the doctor . They quickly determined that she has swimmers ear . At first I was a bit irritated because I had been wanting to go swimming and had not but my sister had ? But I then remembered that she hadn 't actually gone swimming . I 'm not sure how she got it but it seems to be causing her a bit of pain and that 's no fun for anyone . We have some drops for her though and they said it would be gone within 5 - 7 days . I am counting the days until we get a bit of peace and quiet around here . Last weekend we went out to eat with my Grandma Tina and Grandpa Fred . I always have a good time meeting up with them . My grandpa was playing around with me for a bit and he was hiding me under his big ol ' hat . Pretty funny if you ask me . I wasn 't too interested at first at being at the pizza place but my grandma did a good job calming me down . The pizza was yummy yummy . Afterwards , we went to the park and my dad walked me around . We checked out the toddler swings and slides . They were fun but what I was really interested in was the big kid slides . My dad walked me to the very top of the big kids slide and we took a slide down . Holy Shmoly was it fun . We ended up going down it 3 times total . I had a blast walking around while my dad watched me from a couple steps behind . I didn 't like the sand in between my toes though . A warning to everyone , watch your step when you go over those pesky baby gates . My dad was walking over one yesterday and whack , a big loud noise . They are always hitting their feet when they go over but this time it wasn 't fun . Dad whacked it really hard . He started talking about his toe being broken or something . An hour later , he did it again on the same toe . Luckily for him , its just severely bruised up and not actually broken . I , for one , think we should get rid of the gates entirely . Not because of what happened , but because I think I should be able to go up and down our stairs as I please . Maybe I can talk them into that now that dad got hurt . Rylan has always been pretty curious and helpful when it came to brushing his teeth . Brushing his teeth is my thing to do with him right before he does off to bed . It has always been pretty exciting to see Rylan come running into the bathroom when I tell him that it is time to brush his teeth . This is changing however . . . Before , every time he tasted the toothpaste , he would let out a " good good good " and a big smile . This has now turned into him running away when he actually sees the toothbrush coming his way . I struggled with this for a bit and had to do a bit of maneuvering to get the toothbrush in his mouth and actually get it moving around . This didn 't sit pretty for Rylan and he would do what he could to get away . I don 't like the idea of having to force him to brush his teeth with the concern that it may deter him from doing it when he gets a bit older like I was known to do myself . I know the tricks , wet the toothbrush and stay in the bathroom for 2 minutes and make your parents think you were actually brushing your teeth . Anyways , I have come up with a solution that works for now . Rylan 's bed is covered in Disney plush toys and it dawned on me one night that we should be brushing their teeth as well . Now , I tell him that it is time to brush Mickey 's teeth and he runs into bed and watches as I brush away . We move down the line and I explain that because Pooh Bear had a lot of honey that day , he would need a longer brushing to make sure he had clean teeth . After I finish up with his toys I lay him down on his bed and let him taste the toothpaste . He now is back to saying " good good good " which then allows me to get inside of his mouth and brush . I can 't tell you how long this will continue to work for Rylan but he sure seems to be into it now . It is fun to see that he thinks his toys need a brushing as well and that it actually helps him want his own teeth brushed . He does it all with a smile now . A while back , I came across a website that showed you some items you may have around your house that would work as great children 's toys . I found many things on the list that we currently use or may use in the future . The biggest one to stand out was an old poster container . I have received a few of these from my office as they are a bit more sturdy than the ones you may have for a standard poster . Rylan and I can sit down and have fun with this for an amazing amount of time . I first got him interested when I showed him that if I put a ball in at the top , it will magically appear at the bottom . From there we moved on to talking to one another through it and of course using it as a telescope type toy . Rylan 's favorite though is when we are both looking through it at each other and we have a ball in the tube . We roll the tube back and forth bouncing it off one another 's noses . He can 't help but giggle . I decided it was time to spice up the plain ol ' brown tube and found some super cheap wrapping paper and had my way with it the other night . When Rylan noticed it the next day , it was like seeing a new toy all over again . He was thrilled . Wow , can 't a kid get a bit of sleep around here ? What a crazy night it was last night . I was already way in bed but downstairs , mom and dad were having serious troubles getting little Kaitlyn to fall asleep . She just wasn 't going for it . They eventually brought her upstairs and she just cried up there as well . After they finally got her settled and asleep , she woke up a bit later crying more . Talk about hectic . Dad took her downstairs and tried to work with her some more and eventually got her to fall asleep totally . He came back up into the room at 3am . Yikes . He had to be up at 5 : 40am ! I don 't know if I could do that myself . Kaitlyn in general has been a lot more fussy lately . She is much more alert now so she ends up not napping as much as she used too . I am trying not to let it effect me but now my mom is having to spend so much time holding her that I sometimes don 't get to play with my toys like I used too with my mom . My mom reads to me in the morning though while she is nursing Kaitlyn so that 's really fun . When dad comes home , its fun time . My mom and dad have lived in our house for 2 . 5years and they had never done any home upgrades . That was until my dad got an itching to get rid of our microwave and replace it with an over the stove one . Of course , my dad is super el cheapo , and he wanted to find one on Craigslist . org for a great price . Well it took a few weeks but finally the other day he found one and picked it up for only $ 30 . He said it was a bit overwhelming at first but after he got all the stuff he needed , he was on his way and he basically finished it in a single night all by himself . The thing looks like a million bucks but really only cost $ 33 total . Can 't beat that for a home upgrade . I agree with my dad and think it will help sell our house as well . In the meanwhile though , we get to use the new microwave which actually works better than our old . Yippy . Well they say there may be more rain this weekend so I am looking forward to that . I had a blast going out in the rain with my dad the other day . I threw a super fit after he brought me back inside . Speaking of tantrums , they are going full throttle now it seems . I can think of 2 things that are likely causing them . One , I don 't nap during the day any longer . I 'm just so darn busy that sleep is not an option . The second possibility is that I may be teething my last couple of teeth . My mom checked my mouth and didn 't notice anything but just yesterday I was drooling all over the place . Am I teething or just a wierdo ? The monsoon has been hitting us pretty well the past couple of weeks . We have had a couple days / nights of rain , thunder and just last night a great show of lightning . This picture was taken after I came home from work on Monday . Rylan was waiting for me at the door just itching to come out and play . I couldn 't let him down . |
Good Evening everyone ! I hope that we all enjoyed Wanda 's birthday today ! I didn 't have any cake on hand but Katie did make these really good Turtle Cookie Bars last night so Wanda , I was thinking of you today when I had one . Also , calories , fat and cholesterol but it 's your birthday so I won 't dwell on those nasty words ! The husband , after several hours of hard work and very sore muscles , did get the ceiling painted on Saturday . I was useless as I was still nursing a sore shin muscle from when I hurt my foot and my knees kept giving out . So I watched . Our ceiling is about 30 feet by 20 feet and 12 feet high . Oh did he have a sore neck and back ! But he did a beautiful job and was very proud of his efforts as was I . Sunday was indeed a day of rest ! Jake went back to work early on Monday morning and I felt good enough to paint the front door . It took three coats and still needs a forth . I painted it the same color as the ceiling . I can 't tell you the color as it 's all hush , hush until the final day when all is completed . It will be sometime next month . Today I was up and down the ladder priming one of the long walls with the door and four windows . It will need another coat but I will save that for tomorrow . I am trying to be careful and pace myself . My goal is to get the whole room primed so that when my husband comes home in two weeks , we will be able to paint it . If things go well I may even get the paint on it myself , but again I don 't want to over do ! I took this week off of work so that I can work around here . I wanted to go out for a drive with Katie to " Devil 's Prop " with a picnic lunch and our camera 's but I 'm not sure that she wants to go . She 's been going back and forth to her friends house and as we all know , when you 're 15 , friends are more important ! Speaking of Katie , I didn 't have time this weekend to do a " Retro Weekend " post but I have a couple of photos that I am going to slip into this post . The following is a picture of Ginny , Frank and Katie , my three children at Frank and Amy 's wedding nine years ago . My how Katie has changed ! My how we all have changed ! Ah but they are wonderful memories and I do have many beautiful photo 's of that day . It was such a long day and there were so many pictures being taken that by this time poor Katie was starving ! I had a lot of time this weekend to sit , as that was about all Jake would let me do ! So I went through some more of mom 's photo 's . I 'm trying to pick out all of the photo 's that I want to hang up in this room when it 's done . This way I 'll know how many frames that I will need . I am going to use all black frames this time . Anyway , mom had at least as many photo 's as I have , so this is a challenging task to say the least . And I really didn 't even get into the sorting part yet but I did find a photo that I had totally forgotten about . It was mom , me and my grandma Laverne at my old house in Chicago . I 'm guessing it was around 1982 or 1983 . I had Ginny in that house and she couldn 't have been more than one or two at the time . I loved this picture because it showed mom and me being silly as we often did , and grandma just enjoying the whole thing ! Ah yes we sure did get silly and have fun back then ! Makes me wish that Katie wasn 't so serious all the time . As for the rest of the week I just plan on working . I am going to make a point of going for a spin on my bike as the temperatures are supposed to be 70 's and sunny . I 'd also like to work in the yard but I 'm not Wonder Woman anymore for crying out loud ! At the moment all I have is paint on the brain ! But I do intend on actually enjoying this beautiful weather sometime this week as well . I hope that you can too , if you are fortunate enough to have some beautiful weather too . If not , don 't worry , it 's on it 's way ! I wish you all a beautiful evening , Love and Blessings to you all ! Posted by This place is " Moments of Mine " . The proprietor is Wanda . She always makes us feel welcome and her little piece of the world is a bit like a little piece of heaven . This has been a busy week for me . How about you ? I initially had the entire week planned out but you know what happens when we plan things ! I 've found that when I plan things , God usually has something else in mind for me . I believe that God has a great sense of humor . I told you about my dead battery in the car . That threw the whole week off . Not that it mattered much , it just wasn 't how I had it planned . It 's been raining all day so any planting will have to wait . I have many Canna bulbs to get in the ground . Last year I planted them much to late . I 'd like to get them in the ground early this year . With all of the raking I 've done and with cleaning my people 's house today , I 'm pretty sure I over did something in my back . It 's pretty sore . My foot feels great though and the doctor said that I can ride my bike whenever I feel ready . It is supposed to rain on and off for a few days so maybe next week I 'll be able to go for a spin . The husband should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon I hope . Maybe evening though . He is going to paint the Living room ceiling on Saturday . It 's the only day that it 's not supposed to rain . He will probably have to leave on Sunday . Once the ceiling is done I can work on priming the walls . It 's such a large room that I may only be able to do one wall every few days . I just don 't have the stamina that I used to . We are both anxious for this room to be done , it 's been an eleven year wait ! I have taken " before " photos . So if it ever gets done I will post the " before " and " after " . I think you will be surprised if not shocked ! Oh and here is some news . I thought it a bit funny . My doctors office called yesterday . I had blood work done . I was a afraid that a past medical problem had returned . They weren 't calling about that . They wanted to know if I was still taking my cholesterol medication . When I replied " yes , everyday . " , the nurse says " Well the doctor says that it 's still too high so he wants you to double up on your medication . " . When I asked her what my number was I was surprised to find out that it had dropped 50 points ! It is still too high but wouldn 't it have been nice to hear , " You did a great job by dropping your number by 50 points but we still need to work on it some more ! " . I know , I 'm asking for too much . Still a little pat on the back would have been nice . Oh well . When I asked about the other test I heard , " The doctor would have told me if there was a problem ! " . Gee , I 'm sorry I asked . But I didn 't let it bother me , as to me it was good news . So it looks like I 'll be around for a bit longer . That is if I 'm careful on the new bike ! Yikes , it 's been about forty years since I 've ridden one except for the little spin I took when we bought it ! I have a new look on my blog as you may have noticed . I can 't take credit for it as I am technologically challenged . All of the credit goes to my daughter , Virginia . But don 't call her that , she likes Ginny . She is the computer genius in the family and even designed my new header just for me . She sent me this photo about a week ago titled " Me and your grandkids ! " . I love it and I love her . Thank you my sweet daughter for doing this for me . I have no doubt that I could do it myself but I would feel more comfortable with her showing me first . I like to take notes , it 's the best way for me to learn something . I am hoping to be able to visit her in the late summer or early fall . I 've never been to North Carolina . I 've been told that it is beautiful there . And a weekend away from the house sounds like heaven to me ! I hope that you were able to get outside this week to enjoy a bit of nature . I have heard that some of you are still having snow . I 'm sure that it will end soon . I had to laugh about something I saw on the weather channel . Do you watch the weather channel ? It is one of our favorites around here ! Anyway they keep advertising " Tornado Week , April 4th ! " . They seem so excited about it . I think that the thought of one 's house blowing away is a bit scary . I realize that their job is to make us aware and to keep our eyes to the skies for safety reasons , but I still somehow feel an undertone of excitement there ! Oh what do I know ! Have you bought any plants yet ? I would like to get some flowers for my hanging baskets on my porch . There is still so much outside work to be done ! On that note , lets all daydream about beautiful spring days in the garden and the yard . I think we are going to break out the grill this weekend . That sounds good . Thanks for stopping by today . I love visiting with you . I hope that we all get to see some sunshine this weekend . See Ya ! Posted by It does seem like a long time since I 've been here although it 's really only been a few days . I wanted to fill you in on what 's been going on around here and apologize for taking so long to visit everyone . I have missed you all . I wasn 't feeling well most of last week and suspected that a past physical problem had returned . I had some blood work done and still don 't know the results . But I woke up Monday morning feeling back to my old self . So yesterday and today were very good days for me . No , the car wasn 't stolen but she wouldn 't start . Nope she was dead as a doornail ! Oh dear I do think I just showed my age there , well whatever . Anywho , I started to feel frustration come over me and then I thought well I guess God wanted me to stay home today . I was having troubles the past few months with it starting but when I had the battery checked I was told that it was fine , Mmmmm . I was praying that it wasn 't something more costly and in the meantime called my boy to come and give me a jump after he got through at work . Meanwhile I got undolled up and put some yard workin ' clothes on . I took out my trusty rake and worked for several hours cleaning up the yard . This is only one section of it . It 's an odd shaped yard . There are four different sections to it . The old blue table and chair were mom 's . Nobody wanted them . Except me . She had them sitting way back in her yard . I can picture her sitting there with a good book , relaxing or praying . O . K . I had a few bad days over the weekend . For some reason mom was heavily on my mind . I did a lot of crying . Then it occurred to me that my birthday is just around the corner . My first one without mom . This is still hard to think about . And I 'm sure it 's hard for my son as well . His birthday falls on Easter this year . Spring was mom 's second favorite season , summer being her first . I have been sitting in her chair and it has given me comfort . It was early afternoon when Frank came by and jumped my car . The dealership is just a few blocks from my house so he followed me there and gave me a ride home . He 's such a good man . After he dropped me off at home I continued to work in the yard . I got about 3 / 4 's of the yard cleaned and felt very good after I was done . That was a photo of the little mysterious Hyacinth that I posted about earlier . It looks a little sickly to me but I think that given a few more years it will grow big and strong ! A lot of you have asked about my ankle and I am happy to say that it feels great . Most of the range of motion is back except for when I turn it inward . It only hurts a bit when I do that so I don 't do that ! I did keep myself busy while I was off my feet . I hadn 't crocheted in so long but decided to start an afghan for my recliner . You know , just something to throw over me when I get to take those wonderful naps ! The car dealership called with good news . It was just the battery and I now have a new one ! So lets see , the car is good , the yard is good , the ankle is good , my son is good and I feel good . So I have lots to be grateful for today . Tomorrow I go to see the ortho doctor . We will discuss the ankle and the knee . I think that I am ready to ride my bike but I want to make sure before I hop on . However I almost did it anyway today ! Wow it 's time for yet again , another " Retro Weekend " I can feel your excitement . I apologize if this seems to be getting a little " old " , no pun intended . Well really there was a pun intended . Just remember , no one forced you to come here and it 's my blog . So , I can do whatever I want ! Yes I am sure that one day there will be a new amendment added to the constitution that will include " The freedom for all to blog as they wish " . Today I am going way back in the " Way back machine " . When my mother passed away this past December , I was fortunate enough to inherit most of the old family photos . You guessed it , Early May . Now some folks in the family Say that the spelling of Grams name was questionable . My cousin , Roxanne is the genealogy expert in the family and says that she has seen it spelled both ways . This photo was taken in 1939 . I don 't know how old Great - Grandma Earlie was at the time . I can 't ask mom anymore , but I am blessed to have a wonderfully beautiful cousin , who is into genealogy . So Roxanne , I know you are reading this . I don 't know when Great - Grandma Van was born . Make a note of that please for your old senile cousin ! I was fortunate when I was a very young girl to be able to stay with Great - Grandma every other summer or so for a while . She lived on a beautiful lake in Angola , Indiana . My beautiful cousin and I used to have so much fun there exploring the lake and the woods . Roxanne still lives on that lake . Lucky woman ! The next photo is of my Great - Grandma 's daughter . My Grandmother Laverne . In this photo which was taken in May of 1943 she is with her brother Bill . I had never met him . From what I remember he was a pilot in the war . I believe he was killed during battle . At least this is what I remember being told . Grandma Laverne was " THE BEST GRANDMA IN THE WORLD ! ! ! " Oh I know you are saying that your grandma was but really mine was . Really . I 'm not joking . I would often spend the night with her as a young girl . We would always go out to a movie and dinner or to the arboretum . Grandma Laverne always had many fancy clothes , shoes , stoles and jewelry . She went ballroom dancing quite often . She would always let me dress up in her fancy clothes and accessories with never a word of complaint . O . K . so on to the final photo . The date on it was 1955 . Just a few years before I graced you all with my presence ! It is my mom before the prom . Alright I thought it was her senior prom but again I am not too sure . But I do remember her telling me of the bad , bad sunburn she acquired when she fell asleep on the beach trying to get a tan for prom ! ATTITUDE ! Alrighty then , now we all know where Di get 's it from . And I bet you all thought that I was the bad girl in the the family . See you learn something new everyday ! I took my dogs out today for the first time in a week . My ankle is getting better but I still can 't be on it too much . It 's a tendon thing ! Anyway I do pretty well as long as I am careful and don 't stand for too long , and the range of motion is slowly coming back . I am being very cautious with it so as not to injure it again . I can 't stop dreaming about riding that bike ! My husband had noticed a plant coming up in the yard last weekend . He had asked if I knew what it was since I know where all of the perennials are located . I told him that I hadn 't a clue as to what it could possibly be . To me it looks like some sort of spring flower like maybe a Hyacinth . But really I don 't have a clue . The bud on it isn 't that of a tulip although the leaves resemble one . I have some Easter Lilly 's coming up and some Daffodil 's . But they are no where near this unidentified plant ! So I am back to bore everyone as much as I have been bored these past few day from sitting and sitting . I did however pick up needle and yarn and started a new afghan . Weather or not I finish it , we shall see . Much bike riding daydreams have passed through my thoughts with the beautiful spring like weather we have been having . Oh well , hopefully the ankle will heal quickly . So now on with the show ! Can you guess which decade this photo was taken in ? A couple of hints . . . . Michael Jackson 's wardrobe was in style at the time . This brother and sister were seven and four at the time . It is my son Frank and his sister Ginny . 1985 was the year . I couldn 't leave without posting a photo of a young Katie . Maybe not quite as retro as the last photo . Katie was six years old and is wearing a witches costume that I had made for her . It had a beautiful purple slip that I made underneath the dress . I remember it being the first costume that I had made as a beginner . I was so proud of how it came out and was hooked on sewing after that . I despise feeling sorry for myself . Really , truly , honestly despise feeling sorry for myself . I have always been one to believe that I can do anything if I put my mind to it . Including make the best out of any situation . I am , by nature , an optimist . I don 't care for pessimistic personalities . Bad mojo . I have always felt that if given a bad situation , it is for a reason . God has put us there to work it out one way or another . So keeping this in mind , I have always looked for the light , taken the challenge , gone the extra mile . Maybe not with a smile every time but always with the thought in the back of my mind that in one way or another , I would succeed . Perhaps with just a wing and a prayer but I would succeed . Tonight I have felt sorry for myself and it is also making me angry with myself . Even though I know better . Even though this happened for a reason . Still I can 't help but feeling sorry for myself . Earlier this evening I got up to walk Ruby . I could have gotten Katie to do it as it was her turn anyway . But she has been so tired after school and it was nice outside so I wanted to do it myself . When I got up and took a few steps my foot locked up on me . This is not unusual for me as I have sprained it a few times over the years . When I was a young girl , I ice skated a lot and sprained it twice . And another two times over the past twenty years . I also know that there is arthritis in this foot so occasionally it locks up . When it does I simply move it around a bit and within a step or two it frees up and I can walk again . This time it didn 't work . I kept walking on it while it hurt a bit and by the time I got to the back door I was in a lot of pain . So what did this idiot do ? No I didn 't call for Katie , that would have been the smart thing to do . And while I don 't think of myself as stupid I do know that I am very stubborn . I put Ruby 's leash on and took her out anyway . Yeah it was a dumb and stubborn thing to do . By the time I reached the grass I could barely walk and my ankle felt as though it was swelling inside . I managed to baby step in severe pain back to the house , Ruby did wee wee by the way ! I had to sit on the back stairs and yell for Katie . That was it , I couldn 't put another step on that foot . And of coarse it was the foot on my good leg so my bad knee had trouble holding all of my weight on it 's own . I 'll spare you all of the in between moaning and tears part . By this time I am grateful that Katie has her permit as it was my right ankle , the one that I use to drive . So my Katie girl took her mom to the E . R . After about two hours and an x ray , it was determined that it at least wasn 't broke or fractured . The doctor said that between the possible sprain or tendenitous and the severe arthritis in my foot ( I had no idea that it was severe ) that the pain could be pretty bad . No ! # @ ! . By this time it was very swollen and after a shot of tramodol ( which did nothing ) and two Vicodins , they put an air cast on it and gave me crutches . I 've never used crutches . I am not in a good mood but I am in a lot of pain . Katie drove us to Walgreens and went through her first tight drive through . She is amazing by the way . Then she took us home and helped me in the house . This was not easy . I couldn 't do the stairs . I had to sit down . That 's when I started to cry . Now I am really feeling sorry for myself which is making me even angrier at myself . So now here I sit . It still hurts like hell . I have iced it . I will have to sleep downstairs . I am grateful that we have an extra bedroom down here even though I don 't know if I can sleep through this pain . I may just stay in my recliner for the night . I am still wallowing . If this doesn 't heal quickly , Katie will have to do so much around here . This is where my OCD will kick in big time . Things won 't get done and they won 't get done the way I want . Stress , stress , stressed is how I am feeling . Now I have some good news and some bad news . I went to have my hearing checked this morning because I have had ringing in my left ear since January . The audiologist told me that my hearing was off the chart good ! He even showed me where the average person ranks on the chart . I was quite a bit above that ! Did you hear me ? Then I went over to the ENT doctor who read the results . He asked me if I was under a lot of stress . I told him , not really but I am very stressed filled . Then of coarse he tolDiana I guess it started on Friday for me . Jake couldn 't make it home until Saturday but it worked out for me as it gave me extra time to finish things up around the house . Katie , as usual spent the night at her friends so I got the house cleaned , baked a cake for Jake 's birthday , chopped lots of vegetables for our dinner Saturday night and worked on one of Jake 's gifts . One of his gifts was a new wallet so I printed up some new photos , cut them to size and filled the wallet with them . I also got the gifts wrapped . Jake got home around 11 : 00 a . m . on Saturday , came home for a bit and then we went for his eye exam at 1 : 00 p . m . We got home around 2 : 30 and everyone was due to arrive at about 3 : 30 . In the meantime Kate came home with her friend , I started dinner and added an extra plate ! Once the kids came over all the fun started . Sarah brought a friend so I added an extra plate . Jake and Frank started tearing into those radiators . Loud saw blades , two 15 year old 's , two 7 year old 's and a 1 and 1 / 2 year old , add two barking dogs to the mix and you have a bit of chaos but a lot of fun ! It took Jake and Frank longer then they thought to get those heavy monsters out of the house , and I know there were a few strained muscles , sorry guys . . . . But I was so tickled to get those things out of the house that I felt like dancing on the spots where they were ! After 11 years they were finally gone and I can actually move the furniture where I want . And I can put the Christmas tree in front of the window , something I have always wanted to do . Now that the work was done it was time to eat . Thank goodness as by now the kids were starving ! Jake originally wanted meatloaf but changed his mind at the last minute . He wanted homemade Mac and Cheese with hamburger and bacon added to it . I also cook a bit of onion in it . This dish is not healthy at all folks , but it is so good ! If my husband appears tired looking in this photo it is because it got up at 1 : 30 a . m . so that he could make it home in time for his eye appointment ! Despite all the hard work though , he thoroughly enjoyed his party . And even with all of the kids running around , Amy and I got to visit which we don 't get to do as often as we 'd like ! Jake sneaked in this photo ! At one point while I was cooking there were five kids in the kitchen with me , I had to shoo them all off as my kitchen is the tiniest room in the house ! I didn 't want any accidents around the stove . After everyone left , Katie and her friend went down the street to the old theater for their very first concert . Jake told them to be home by ten and they got home at 9 : 30 ! Good girls ! They had a great time and Jake and I were able to go to sleep , finally ! Sunday morning Jake and I got up early and went out for breakfast . We had a bit of time to kill before the restaurant opened so we decided to wander around Wal - mart at 7 : 30a . m . Aren 't we the exciting pair ! Well I have to tell you what I did there . O . K . remember the whole dream bike thing ? Well guess what happened ? I went on line to order it and it was gone ! I was sooooo disappointed . We searched other web sites and apparently it was a one time special . So while I was at Wal - Mart I looked at what they had . There were two bikes that I liked . On was very retro looking . The other was a cruiser but a bit more updated . I figured that the best way to know which one would be a good fit would be to just ride them . And so I did . Both of them . Three times each . All around the store as my husband stood there shaking his head at me . Don 't worry there was no " Cleanup in aisle 6 . " being called out ! I really liked the way the retro one looked but as it turned out the other bike was a much better fit . It was much lighter in weight and handled much better so . . . . . . . I have been riding it already . I was a little wobbly at first but it all came back to me and it was so fun ! I must admit that it will take me some time to work up more stamina but I am just loving it ! And it doesn 't hurt my knees at all . The basket was a very special gift from a very special friend ! We didn 't get any painting done . We were both just too tired and sore ! We 've waited this long so we can wait a little longer . I think this photo was taken in 1989 . Jake thinks it was taken after we were married but I don 't agree . We met July 29th 1989 . Frank was eleven and Ginny was eight . This photo was taken at my mom 's house when we all still lived in Chicago . It was taken in the summertime . Frank and Ginny looked about 11 and 8 years old in the photo . Which leads me to believe that it was taken right after we met that summer . We were married exactly 5 months after we met . We were very much in love and I didn 't feel right about us living together since I had two children . A bit old fashioned I know . Check out those HUGE eyeglasses ! My how things have changed since then . We have all come a long way in twenty years , haven 't we ? I really need to believe this to be true . As you may or may not know , my husband and I are in the SLOW process of redoing our living room . It is large . Very large . And as you may or may not know , my husband is only home about four days a month ! This makes for very SLOW progress in many of our home projects . I do what I can while he is gone but lets face it , I am not Wonder Woman ! Alrighty then , lets try this again shall we ? This is quite experimental today as I have switched to the New Blogger Editor . I thought , " What the heck , if I don 't like it , I can switch it back . " Right ? Right , so here we go . As you may or may not know my granddaughter Sarah spent the night with me Saturday night . Meanwhile , Katie spent the night at my son 's house to babysit for baby Jack . This way my son and his wife could get away for a few hours while Katie made some extra cash . I really expected Sarah to arrive worn out . She had to cheer at two games , and then went to a FOUR Hour birthday party before she even came over . Those must be some super human parents to have a four hour party with seven year olds ! When she did come over , she was ready to go . I decided that we would go and see . . . The Tooth Fairy Movie ! So off we went and off Katie and Amy went . Katie got to drive the van for the first time ! And Sarah and I got some much needed one on one time . When we arrived at the theater we purchased a bag of popcorn , two sodas and a box of Dots for Sarah . I must admit that I really wasn 't too sure how the movie would be , but to my surprise it was very enjoyable with plenty of laughs and a good moral to the story ! Julie Andrews as usual , was excellent in her roll as head Tooth Fairy . And Billy Crystal was quite hysterical as the Fairy that was in charge of all of the Tooth Fairies props . We ate tons of popcorn and drank lots of soda . I will try and remember next time that grandma 's bladder is much older than Sarahs ! We left the theater happy , full of popcorn and Dots stuck in our teeth ! What more could we ask for ? We got home around 8 : 30 and weren 't ready for bed yet , despite the fact that it was past Sarahs bedtime . She reminded me twice that there was no school tomorrow ! So we watched funny cat and dog videos on You Tube . Before we knew it , it was 11 : 30p . m . and we were by this time , ready for bed ! I knew I wouldn 't get much sleep that night . My granddaughter is a known BED HOG ! We have four beds in the house but she always wants to sleep with grandma . I think I got about three hours of sleep in . But it was worth it for this . . . After coloring we read some Junie B . Jones . I have had this series of books since Katie was in Kindergarten . Sarah has always loved for me to read them to her and I enjoy them so much . They are very funny ! Sarah can read so well now that she suggested that we take turns reading chapters . I was truly amazed at her reading skills ! And we always have several hysterical laughing fits while reading Junie B . ! We decided to head back to Sarahs house around noon Sunday . I wanted to spend some time with my son , his wife and baby Jack . The weather has been such as of late that it 's made that difficult . So off we went and after we arrived we had a great visit . I didn 't get to see much of my son as he was working in the garage on his truck . I tried to get his picture but he said " No " as he was covered in grease ! I still thought him handsome but had to respect his wishes ! But I did get to hang out with my daughter - in - law and baby Jack . Sorry about the red eye but it 's hard enough to get him to stand still and smile for me at the same time , so there was no time for any camera adjustments ! When it was time to leave , Katie , as I suspected , wanted to drive home . Wow there 's a surprise . So after a little bit of blackmail I let her drive home . You know , " You can drive home if you let me take your picture ! " . Well it worked . Not only did she drive us back to town , but I let her also drive through town to the video store . She 's really doing well . And as you can see she is taking the driving thing very seriously ! Well there you have it . I have used the New Post Editor for Blogger . I am going to publish this and hopefully it will come out alright . There are different options that I haven 't tried yet . I just wanted to test it first . I do like the way you can add photos much better then the older version . I 've not had this problem before . There will be these huge gaps between the text and the photos even after I move them where they are supposed to be . I make sure to save the changes . Also it looks how I want it to in the compose window , yet when I go to preview the post , that 's when I see the gaps . And that is also how it posts , with huge gaps . So now I am feeling frustrated and like giving up . If anyone out there has any idea what the heck I am talking about and maybe what I am doing wrong , please let me know . And keep in mind that I don 't speak html ! Posted by I am a wife , and a mother to three wonderful children . Two of which are grown and one that is still a work in progress . I have also been blessed with two beautiful grandchildren . I don 't consider my life to be extraordinary by some peoples standards but I do feel extraordinarily blessed for the life I have been given . With that said , some of my posts may seem ordinary sometimes but they will be at the very least real life . And for that alone , I am grateful . Well folks it seems like awhile since I 've posted or read other blogs . Although I don 't think it 's been much more than a week . T . . . |
Good Evening everyone ! I hope that we all enjoyed Wanda 's birthday today ! I didn 't have any cake on hand but Katie did make these really good Turtle Cookie Bars last night so Wanda , I was thinking of you today when I had one . Also , calories , fat and cholesterol but it 's your birthday so I won 't dwell on those nasty words ! The husband , after several hours of hard work and very sore muscles , did get the ceiling painted on Saturday . I was useless as I was still nursing a sore shin muscle from when I hurt my foot and my knees kept giving out . So I watched . Our ceiling is about 30 feet by 20 feet and 12 feet high . Oh did he have a sore neck and back ! But he did a beautiful job and was very proud of his efforts as was I . Sunday was indeed a day of rest ! Jake went back to work early on Monday morning and I felt good enough to paint the front door . It took three coats and still needs a forth . I painted it the same color as the ceiling . I can 't tell you the color as it 's all hush , hush until the final day when all is completed . It will be sometime next month . Today I was up and down the ladder priming one of the long walls with the door and four windows . It will need another coat but I will save that for tomorrow . I am trying to be careful and pace myself . My goal is to get the whole room primed so that when my husband comes home in two weeks , we will be able to paint it . If things go well I may even get the paint on it myself , but again I don 't want to over do ! I took this week off of work so that I can work around here . I wanted to go out for a drive with Katie to " Devil 's Prop " with a picnic lunch and our camera 's but I 'm not sure that she wants to go . She 's been going back and forth to her friends house and as we all know , when you 're 15 , friends are more important ! Speaking of Katie , I didn 't have time this weekend to do a " Retro Weekend " post but I have a couple of photos that I am going to slip into this post . The following is a picture of Ginny , Frank and Katie , my three children at Frank and Amy 's wedding nine years ago . My how Katie has changed ! My how we all have changed ! Ah but they are wonderful memories and I do have many beautiful photo 's of that day . It was such a long day and there were so many pictures being taken that by this time poor Katie was starving ! I had a lot of time this weekend to sit , as that was about all Jake would let me do ! So I went through some more of mom 's photo 's . I 'm trying to pick out all of the photo 's that I want to hang up in this room when it 's done . This way I 'll know how many frames that I will need . I am going to use all black frames this time . Anyway , mom had at least as many photo 's as I have , so this is a challenging task to say the least . And I really didn 't even get into the sorting part yet but I did find a photo that I had totally forgotten about . It was mom , me and my grandma Laverne at my old house in Chicago . I 'm guessing it was around 1982 or 1983 . I had Ginny in that house and she couldn 't have been more than one or two at the time . I loved this picture because it showed mom and me being silly as we often did , and grandma just enjoying the whole thing ! Ah yes we sure did get silly and have fun back then ! Makes me wish that Katie wasn 't so serious all the time . As for the rest of the week I just plan on working . I am going to make a point of going for a spin on my bike as the temperatures are supposed to be 70 's and sunny . I 'd also like to work in the yard but I 'm not Wonder Woman anymore for crying out loud ! At the moment all I have is paint on the brain ! But I do intend on actually enjoying this beautiful weather sometime this week as well . I hope that you can too , if you are fortunate enough to have some beautiful weather too . If not , don 't worry , it 's on it 's way ! I wish you all a beautiful evening , Love and Blessings to you all ! Posted by This place is " Moments of Mine " . The proprietor is Wanda . She always makes us feel welcome and her little piece of the world is a bit like a little piece of heaven . This has been a busy week for me . How about you ? I initially had the entire week planned out but you know what happens when we plan things ! I 've found that when I plan things , God usually has something else in mind for me . I believe that God has a great sense of humor . I told you about my dead battery in the car . That threw the whole week off . Not that it mattered much , it just wasn 't how I had it planned . It 's been raining all day so any planting will have to wait . I have many Canna bulbs to get in the ground . Last year I planted them much to late . I 'd like to get them in the ground early this year . With all of the raking I 've done and with cleaning my people 's house today , I 'm pretty sure I over did something in my back . It 's pretty sore . My foot feels great though and the doctor said that I can ride my bike whenever I feel ready . It is supposed to rain on and off for a few days so maybe next week I 'll be able to go for a spin . The husband should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon I hope . Maybe evening though . He is going to paint the Living room ceiling on Saturday . It 's the only day that it 's not supposed to rain . He will probably have to leave on Sunday . Once the ceiling is done I can work on priming the walls . It 's such a large room that I may only be able to do one wall every few days . I just don 't have the stamina that I used to . We are both anxious for this room to be done , it 's been an eleven year wait ! I have taken " before " photos . So if it ever gets done I will post the " before " and " after " . I think you will be surprised if not shocked ! Oh and here is some news . I thought it a bit funny . My doctors office called yesterday . I had blood work done . I was a afraid that a past medical problem had returned . They weren 't calling about that . They wanted to know if I was still taking my cholesterol medication . When I replied " yes , everyday . " , the nurse says " Well the doctor says that it 's still too high so he wants you to double up on your medication . " . When I asked her what my number was I was surprised to find out that it had dropped 50 points ! It is still too high but wouldn 't it have been nice to hear , " You did a great job by dropping your number by 50 points but we still need to work on it some more ! " . I know , I 'm asking for too much . Still a little pat on the back would have been nice . Oh well . When I asked about the other test I heard , " The doctor would have told me if there was a problem ! " . Gee , I 'm sorry I asked . But I didn 't let it bother me , as to me it was good news . So it looks like I 'll be around for a bit longer . That is if I 'm careful on the new bike ! Yikes , it 's been about forty years since I 've ridden one except for the little spin I took when we bought it ! I have a new look on my blog as you may have noticed . I can 't take credit for it as I am technologically challenged . All of the credit goes to my daughter , Virginia . But don 't call her that , she likes Ginny . She is the computer genius in the family and even designed my new header just for me . She sent me this photo about a week ago titled " Me and your grandkids ! " . I love it and I love her . Thank you my sweet daughter for doing this for me . I have no doubt that I could do it myself but I would feel more comfortable with her showing me first . I like to take notes , it 's the best way for me to learn something . I am hoping to be able to visit her in the late summer or early fall . I 've never been to North Carolina . I 've been told that it is beautiful there . And a weekend away from the house sounds like heaven to me ! I hope that you were able to get outside this week to enjoy a bit of nature . I have heard that some of you are still having snow . I 'm sure that it will end soon . I had to laugh about something I saw on the weather channel . Do you watch the weather channel ? It is one of our favorites around here ! Anyway they keep advertising " Tornado Week , April 4th ! " . They seem so excited about it . I think that the thought of one 's house blowing away is a bit scary . I realize that their job is to make us aware and to keep our eyes to the skies for safety reasons , but I still somehow feel an undertone of excitement there ! Oh what do I know ! Have you bought any plants yet ? I would like to get some flowers for my hanging baskets on my porch . There is still so much outside work to be done ! On that note , lets all daydream about beautiful spring days in the garden and the yard . I think we are going to break out the grill this weekend . That sounds good . Thanks for stopping by today . I love visiting with you . I hope that we all get to see some sunshine this weekend . See Ya ! Posted by It does seem like a long time since I 've been here although it 's really only been a few days . I wanted to fill you in on what 's been going on around here and apologize for taking so long to visit everyone . I have missed you all . I wasn 't feeling well most of last week and suspected that a past physical problem had returned . I had some blood work done and still don 't know the results . But I woke up Monday morning feeling back to my old self . So yesterday and today were very good days for me . No , the car wasn 't stolen but she wouldn 't start . Nope she was dead as a doornail ! Oh dear I do think I just showed my age there , well whatever . Anywho , I started to feel frustration come over me and then I thought well I guess God wanted me to stay home today . I was having troubles the past few months with it starting but when I had the battery checked I was told that it was fine , Mmmmm . I was praying that it wasn 't something more costly and in the meantime called my boy to come and give me a jump after he got through at work . Meanwhile I got undolled up and put some yard workin ' clothes on . I took out my trusty rake and worked for several hours cleaning up the yard . This is only one section of it . It 's an odd shaped yard . There are four different sections to it . The old blue table and chair were mom 's . Nobody wanted them . Except me . She had them sitting way back in her yard . I can picture her sitting there with a good book , relaxing or praying . O . K . I had a few bad days over the weekend . For some reason mom was heavily on my mind . I did a lot of crying . Then it occurred to me that my birthday is just around the corner . My first one without mom . This is still hard to think about . And I 'm sure it 's hard for my son as well . His birthday falls on Easter this year . Spring was mom 's second favorite season , summer being her first . I have been sitting in her chair and it has given me comfort . It was early afternoon when Frank came by and jumped my car . The dealership is just a few blocks from my house so he followed me there and gave me a ride home . He 's such a good man . After he dropped me off at home I continued to work in the yard . I got about 3 / 4 's of the yard cleaned and felt very good after I was done . That was a photo of the little mysterious Hyacinth that I posted about earlier . It looks a little sickly to me but I think that given a few more years it will grow big and strong ! A lot of you have asked about my ankle and I am happy to say that it feels great . Most of the range of motion is back except for when I turn it inward . It only hurts a bit when I do that so I don 't do that ! I did keep myself busy while I was off my feet . I hadn 't crocheted in so long but decided to start an afghan for my recliner . You know , just something to throw over me when I get to take those wonderful naps ! The car dealership called with good news . It was just the battery and I now have a new one ! So lets see , the car is good , the yard is good , the ankle is good , my son is good and I feel good . So I have lots to be grateful for today . Tomorrow I go to see the ortho doctor . We will discuss the ankle and the knee . I think that I am ready to ride my bike but I want to make sure before I hop on . However I almost did it anyway today ! Wow it 's time for yet again , another " Retro Weekend " I can feel your excitement . I apologize if this seems to be getting a little " old " , no pun intended . Well really there was a pun intended . Just remember , no one forced you to come here and it 's my blog . So , I can do whatever I want ! Yes I am sure that one day there will be a new amendment added to the constitution that will include " The freedom for all to blog as they wish " . Today I am going way back in the " Way back machine " . When my mother passed away this past December , I was fortunate enough to inherit most of the old family photos . You guessed it , Early May . Now some folks in the family Say that the spelling of Grams name was questionable . My cousin , Roxanne is the genealogy expert in the family and says that she has seen it spelled both ways . This photo was taken in 1939 . I don 't know how old Great - Grandma Earlie was at the time . I can 't ask mom anymore , but I am blessed to have a wonderfully beautiful cousin , who is into genealogy . So Roxanne , I know you are reading this . I don 't know when Great - Grandma Van was born . Make a note of that please for your old senile cousin ! I was fortunate when I was a very young girl to be able to stay with Great - Grandma every other summer or so for a while . She lived on a beautiful lake in Angola , Indiana . My beautiful cousin and I used to have so much fun there exploring the lake and the woods . Roxanne still lives on that lake . Lucky woman ! The next photo is of my Great - Grandma 's daughter . My Grandmother Laverne . In this photo which was taken in May of 1943 she is with her brother Bill . I had never met him . From what I remember he was a pilot in the war . I believe he was killed during battle . At least this is what I remember being told . Grandma Laverne was " THE BEST GRANDMA IN THE WORLD ! ! ! " Oh I know you are saying that your grandma was but really mine was . Really . I 'm not joking . I would often spend the night with her as a young girl . We would always go out to a movie and dinner or to the arboretum . Grandma Laverne always had many fancy clothes , shoes , stoles and jewelry . She went ballroom dancing quite often . She would always let me dress up in her fancy clothes and accessories with never a word of complaint . O . K . so on to the final photo . The date on it was 1955 . Just a few years before I graced you all with my presence ! It is my mom before the prom . Alright I thought it was her senior prom but again I am not too sure . But I do remember her telling me of the bad , bad sunburn she acquired when she fell asleep on the beach trying to get a tan for prom ! ATTITUDE ! Alrighty then , now we all know where Di get 's it from . And I bet you all thought that I was the bad girl in the the family . See you learn something new everyday ! I took my dogs out today for the first time in a week . My ankle is getting better but I still can 't be on it too much . It 's a tendon thing ! Anyway I do pretty well as long as I am careful and don 't stand for too long , and the range of motion is slowly coming back . I am being very cautious with it so as not to injure it again . I can 't stop dreaming about riding that bike ! My husband had noticed a plant coming up in the yard last weekend . He had asked if I knew what it was since I know where all of the perennials are located . I told him that I hadn 't a clue as to what it could possibly be . To me it looks like some sort of spring flower like maybe a Hyacinth . But really I don 't have a clue . The bud on it isn 't that of a tulip although the leaves resemble one . I have some Easter Lilly 's coming up and some Daffodil 's . But they are no where near this unidentified plant ! So I am back to bore everyone as much as I have been bored these past few day from sitting and sitting . I did however pick up needle and yarn and started a new afghan . Weather or not I finish it , we shall see . Much bike riding daydreams have passed through my thoughts with the beautiful spring like weather we have been having . Oh well , hopefully the ankle will heal quickly . So now on with the show ! Can you guess which decade this photo was taken in ? A couple of hints . . . . Michael Jackson 's wardrobe was in style at the time . This brother and sister were seven and four at the time . It is my son Frank and his sister Ginny . 1985 was the year . I couldn 't leave without posting a photo of a young Katie . Maybe not quite as retro as the last photo . Katie was six years old and is wearing a witches costume that I had made for her . It had a beautiful purple slip that I made underneath the dress . I remember it being the first costume that I had made as a beginner . I was so proud of how it came out and was hooked on sewing after that . I despise feeling sorry for myself . Really , truly , honestly despise feeling sorry for myself . I have always been one to believe that I can do anything if I put my mind to it . Including make the best out of any situation . I am , by nature , an optimist . I don 't care for pessimistic personalities . Bad mojo . I have always felt that if given a bad situation , it is for a reason . God has put us there to work it out one way or another . So keeping this in mind , I have always looked for the light , taken the challenge , gone the extra mile . Maybe not with a smile every time but always with the thought in the back of my mind that in one way or another , I would succeed . Perhaps with just a wing and a prayer but I would succeed . Tonight I have felt sorry for myself and it is also making me angry with myself . Even though I know better . Even though this happened for a reason . Still I can 't help but feeling sorry for myself . Earlier this evening I got up to walk Ruby . I could have gotten Katie to do it as it was her turn anyway . But she has been so tired after school and it was nice outside so I wanted to do it myself . When I got up and took a few steps my foot locked up on me . This is not unusual for me as I have sprained it a few times over the years . When I was a young girl , I ice skated a lot and sprained it twice . And another two times over the past twenty years . I also know that there is arthritis in this foot so occasionally it locks up . When it does I simply move it around a bit and within a step or two it frees up and I can walk again . This time it didn 't work . I kept walking on it while it hurt a bit and by the time I got to the back door I was in a lot of pain . So what did this idiot do ? No I didn 't call for Katie , that would have been the smart thing to do . And while I don 't think of myself as stupid I do know that I am very stubborn . I put Ruby 's leash on and took her out anyway . Yeah it was a dumb and stubborn thing to do . By the time I reached the grass I could barely walk and my ankle felt as though it was swelling inside . I managed to baby step in severe pain back to the house , Ruby did wee wee by the way ! I had to sit on the back stairs and yell for Katie . That was it , I couldn 't put another step on that foot . And of coarse it was the foot on my good leg so my bad knee had trouble holding all of my weight on it 's own . I 'll spare you all of the in between moaning and tears part . By this time I am grateful that Katie has her permit as it was my right ankle , the one that I use to drive . So my Katie girl took her mom to the E . R . After about two hours and an x ray , it was determined that it at least wasn 't broke or fractured . The doctor said that between the possible sprain or tendenitous and the severe arthritis in my foot ( I had no idea that it was severe ) that the pain could be pretty bad . No ! # @ ! . By this time it was very swollen and after a shot of tramodol ( which did nothing ) and two Vicodins , they put an air cast on it and gave me crutches . I 've never used crutches . I am not in a good mood but I am in a lot of pain . Katie drove us to Walgreens and went through her first tight drive through . She is amazing by the way . Then she took us home and helped me in the house . This was not easy . I couldn 't do the stairs . I had to sit down . That 's when I started to cry . Now I am really feeling sorry for myself which is making me even angrier at myself . So now here I sit . It still hurts like hell . I have iced it . I will have to sleep downstairs . I am grateful that we have an extra bedroom down here even though I don 't know if I can sleep through this pain . I may just stay in my recliner for the night . I am still wallowing . If this doesn 't heal quickly , Katie will have to do so much around here . This is where my OCD will kick in big time . Things won 't get done and they won 't get done the way I want . Stress , stress , stressed is how I am feeling . Now I have some good news and some bad news . I went to have my hearing checked this morning because I have had ringing in my left ear since January . The audiologist told me that my hearing was off the chart good ! He even showed me where the average person ranks on the chart . I was quite a bit above that ! Did you hear me ? Then I went over to the ENT doctor who read the results . He asked me if I was under a lot of stress . I told him , not really but I am very stressed filled . Then of coarse he tolDiana I guess it started on Friday for me . Jake couldn 't make it home until Saturday but it worked out for me as it gave me extra time to finish things up around the house . Katie , as usual spent the night at her friends so I got the house cleaned , baked a cake for Jake 's birthday , chopped lots of vegetables for our dinner Saturday night and worked on one of Jake 's gifts . One of his gifts was a new wallet so I printed up some new photos , cut them to size and filled the wallet with them . I also got the gifts wrapped . Jake got home around 11 : 00 a . m . on Saturday , came home for a bit and then we went for his eye exam at 1 : 00 p . m . We got home around 2 : 30 and everyone was due to arrive at about 3 : 30 . In the meantime Kate came home with her friend , I started dinner and added an extra plate ! Once the kids came over all the fun started . Sarah brought a friend so I added an extra plate . Jake and Frank started tearing into those radiators . Loud saw blades , two 15 year old 's , two 7 year old 's and a 1 and 1 / 2 year old , add two barking dogs to the mix and you have a bit of chaos but a lot of fun ! It took Jake and Frank longer then they thought to get those heavy monsters out of the house , and I know there were a few strained muscles , sorry guys . . . . But I was so tickled to get those things out of the house that I felt like dancing on the spots where they were ! After 11 years they were finally gone and I can actually move the furniture where I want . And I can put the Christmas tree in front of the window , something I have always wanted to do . Now that the work was done it was time to eat . Thank goodness as by now the kids were starving ! Jake originally wanted meatloaf but changed his mind at the last minute . He wanted homemade Mac and Cheese with hamburger and bacon added to it . I also cook a bit of onion in it . This dish is not healthy at all folks , but it is so good ! If my husband appears tired looking in this photo it is because it got up at 1 : 30 a . m . so that he could make it home in time for his eye appointment ! Despite all the hard work though , he thoroughly enjoyed his party . And even with all of the kids running around , Amy and I got to visit which we don 't get to do as often as we 'd like ! Jake sneaked in this photo ! At one point while I was cooking there were five kids in the kitchen with me , I had to shoo them all off as my kitchen is the tiniest room in the house ! I didn 't want any accidents around the stove . After everyone left , Katie and her friend went down the street to the old theater for their very first concert . Jake told them to be home by ten and they got home at 9 : 30 ! Good girls ! They had a great time and Jake and I were able to go to sleep , finally ! Sunday morning Jake and I got up early and went out for breakfast . We had a bit of time to kill before the restaurant opened so we decided to wander around Wal - mart at 7 : 30a . m . Aren 't we the exciting pair ! Well I have to tell you what I did there . O . K . remember the whole dream bike thing ? Well guess what happened ? I went on line to order it and it was gone ! I was sooooo disappointed . We searched other web sites and apparently it was a one time special . So while I was at Wal - Mart I looked at what they had . There were two bikes that I liked . On was very retro looking . The other was a cruiser but a bit more updated . I figured that the best way to know which one would be a good fit would be to just ride them . And so I did . Both of them . Three times each . All around the store as my husband stood there shaking his head at me . Don 't worry there was no " Cleanup in aisle 6 . " being called out ! I really liked the way the retro one looked but as it turned out the other bike was a much better fit . It was much lighter in weight and handled much better so . . . . . . . I have been riding it already . I was a little wobbly at first but it all came back to me and it was so fun ! I must admit that it will take me some time to work up more stamina but I am just loving it ! And it doesn 't hurt my knees at all . The basket was a very special gift from a very special friend ! We didn 't get any painting done . We were both just too tired and sore ! We 've waited this long so we can wait a little longer . I think this photo was taken in 1989 . Jake thinks it was taken after we were married but I don 't agree . We met July 29th 1989 . Frank was eleven and Ginny was eight . This photo was taken at my mom 's house when we all still lived in Chicago . It was taken in the summertime . Frank and Ginny looked about 11 and 8 years old in the photo . Which leads me to believe that it was taken right after we met that summer . We were married exactly 5 months after we met . We were very much in love and I didn 't feel right about us living together since I had two children . A bit old fashioned I know . Check out those HUGE eyeglasses ! My how things have changed since then . We have all come a long way in twenty years , haven 't we ? I really need to believe this to be true . As you may or may not know , my husband and I are in the SLOW process of redoing our living room . It is large . Very large . And as you may or may not know , my husband is only home about four days a month ! This makes for very SLOW progress in many of our home projects . I do what I can while he is gone but lets face it , I am not Wonder Woman ! Alrighty then , lets try this again shall we ? This is quite experimental today as I have switched to the New Blogger Editor . I thought , " What the heck , if I don 't like it , I can switch it back . " Right ? Right , so here we go . As you may or may not know my granddaughter Sarah spent the night with me Saturday night . Meanwhile , Katie spent the night at my son 's house to babysit for baby Jack . This way my son and his wife could get away for a few hours while Katie made some extra cash . I really expected Sarah to arrive worn out . She had to cheer at two games , and then went to a FOUR Hour birthday party before she even came over . Those must be some super human parents to have a four hour party with seven year olds ! When she did come over , she was ready to go . I decided that we would go and see . . . The Tooth Fairy Movie ! So off we went and off Katie and Amy went . Katie got to drive the van for the first time ! And Sarah and I got some much needed one on one time . When we arrived at the theater we purchased a bag of popcorn , two sodas and a box of Dots for Sarah . I must admit that I really wasn 't too sure how the movie would be , but to my surprise it was very enjoyable with plenty of laughs and a good moral to the story ! Julie Andrews as usual , was excellent in her roll as head Tooth Fairy . And Billy Crystal was quite hysterical as the Fairy that was in charge of all of the Tooth Fairies props . We ate tons of popcorn and drank lots of soda . I will try and remember next time that grandma 's bladder is much older than Sarahs ! We left the theater happy , full of popcorn and Dots stuck in our teeth ! What more could we ask for ? We got home around 8 : 30 and weren 't ready for bed yet , despite the fact that it was past Sarahs bedtime . She reminded me twice that there was no school tomorrow ! So we watched funny cat and dog videos on You Tube . Before we knew it , it was 11 : 30p . m . and we were by this time , ready for bed ! I knew I wouldn 't get much sleep that night . My granddaughter is a known BED HOG ! We have four beds in the house but she always wants to sleep with grandma . I think I got about three hours of sleep in . But it was worth it for this . . . After coloring we read some Junie B . Jones . I have had this series of books since Katie was in Kindergarten . Sarah has always loved for me to read them to her and I enjoy them so much . They are very funny ! Sarah can read so well now that she suggested that we take turns reading chapters . I was truly amazed at her reading skills ! And we always have several hysterical laughing fits while reading Junie B . ! We decided to head back to Sarahs house around noon Sunday . I wanted to spend some time with my son , his wife and baby Jack . The weather has been such as of late that it 's made that difficult . So off we went and after we arrived we had a great visit . I didn 't get to see much of my son as he was working in the garage on his truck . I tried to get his picture but he said " No " as he was covered in grease ! I still thought him handsome but had to respect his wishes ! But I did get to hang out with my daughter - in - law and baby Jack . Sorry about the red eye but it 's hard enough to get him to stand still and smile for me at the same time , so there was no time for any camera adjustments ! When it was time to leave , Katie , as I suspected , wanted to drive home . Wow there 's a surprise . So after a little bit of blackmail I let her drive home . You know , " You can drive home if you let me take your picture ! " . Well it worked . Not only did she drive us back to town , but I let her also drive through town to the video store . She 's really doing well . And as you can see she is taking the driving thing very seriously ! Well there you have it . I have used the New Post Editor for Blogger . I am going to publish this and hopefully it will come out alright . There are different options that I haven 't tried yet . I just wanted to test it first . I do like the way you can add photos much better then the older version . I 've not had this problem before . There will be these huge gaps between the text and the photos even after I move them where they are supposed to be . I make sure to save the changes . Also it looks how I want it to in the compose window , yet when I go to preview the post , that 's when I see the gaps . And that is also how it posts , with huge gaps . So now I am feeling frustrated and like giving up . If anyone out there has any idea what the heck I am talking about and maybe what I am doing wrong , please let me know . And keep in mind that I don 't speak html ! Posted by I am a wife , and a mother to three wonderful children . Two of which are grown and one that is still a work in progress . I have also been blessed with two beautiful grandchildren . I don 't consider my life to be extraordinary by some peoples standards but I do feel extraordinarily blessed for the life I have been given . With that said , some of my posts may seem ordinary sometimes but they will be at the very least real life . And for that alone , I am grateful . Well folks it seems like awhile since I 've posted or read other blogs . Although I don 't think it 's been much more than a week . T . . . |
These candies bring back so many good and gooey memories . The candy necklaces would get wet and slimy around your neck as you ate off pieces of candy . The button candy on the paper was difficult to eat without eating some of the paper . One of my childhood friends remembers being yelled at by her mom for eating too much paper . Pixie Stix were a favorite . They were straws filled with flavored sugar . I delighted in eating those ! ! The little mini bottles of wax with the sugar water came in many colors . I liked to mush the wax into balls after drinking the water . My sister remembers eating the wax and getting into trouble for that action . She also squashed the used bottles into shapes . We had hours of fun with penny candy ! An extra special part of going to that candy store was that the owners knew us so well that often they would give us some extra candy to eat on the way home . Some times they had candy behind the counter for us : items that came in with a broken wrapper or some little flaw . My sister would stand on the step stool , an old wooden milk carton , sometimes to look over the counter to see if anything was there ! We would chose our candy and the store owner would put the prices on a brown paper bag and add them up to tell us what we owed . Then we would put the candy in little brown bags and snack on the rest of the walk home . We usually had enough to eat that we had some left even when we got home . When I was in third grade , I started going to religious school in the afternoons after finishing Horace Mann . Before going to the synagogue , Temple Beth Abraham , for religious school , we found the candy store a very popular spot . I always would first go to the candy store for a snack and would meet many of my friends in there also getting something to eat . We always needed a snack between school and religious school ! Besides the candy , the most important part of the candy store for me was the comic books . I think every candy store had a comic book section . Each week new comic books would come out , the cost five or ten cents each . And sometimes there was a special one that cost a quarter . I loved getting the comic books . I loved browsing through them . Some of the boys loved to buy the baseball cards as well . When we moved away from Third Avenue to 78th Street , I was desolate , partly because of the lost of the candy store . But I found out I really had no worries . Even though I did not know the owner at first , I did find another corner candy store to walk pass on my way home from school . It was on either on 77 or 76 and Broadway , if I remember correctly . It also had all the penny candy and the comic books . The only thing missing was the free candy I used to get . But I did not totally miss out on free candy . My grandparents owned a bakery on Palisades Avenue in West New York . A few doors down from them was a corner candy store . Sometimes when I spent the weekend , my grandma would give me a dime and send me to the candy store … . not for food . We had lots of candy and bakery goods at the bakery . But I could go buy a comic book . Yay Grandma ! She knew I loved to read them . There was no candy store within easy walking to our summer home in the Catskills . Oh , wait , I take that back , when I was really little there was a small store that sold candy and ice cream across from the lake on the way to town on the corner of West Shore Road and 55 . It closed when I was very young . Now there is a private home where the store used to be . But we had substitutes . We could walk into the town of Kauneonga Lake , to a small grocery store , Vassmer 's ; or to the pharmacy , Newman 's . In one of those stores we could either get candy and comics , or go to the fountain at Newman 's and get ice cream or a soda . It was fun ! I remember when I was a teen , I walked into Newman 's one day and there was my brother with his girlfriend having a milk shake … if I remember correctly there was one shake and two straws . Next to the Ritz Movie Theater in White Lake was a candy store as well . Before we would go into the movie , we would go to the candy store to pick out our treats . How wonderful was that ? Very wonderful ! Children today do not have the joy of going into a little corner store by themselves and choosing any little candy or comic . Now you have to drive to the supermarket or a convenience store . The neighborhood candy store seems to be gone forever . And I miss it ! Going to a corner candy store every day was a part of the daily routine . And forget penny candy ! I do not believe it exists anymore ! I thnk going to the corner candy store also taught us about money . There was only so much you could spend . Would it be a comic book or candy ? How much did you need to save from your allowance to get exactly what you wanted ? You could plan . The candy store owners knew you ! They would hold back your favorite comic , knowing what you wanted to read each week . And if you did not have enough money , they would wait till you came back . The corner candy store was a gathering place for children and adults . It was a community space , a place for neighbors to visit . Penny candy and comics gave us so much joy . I think that is why the corner candy store was so important in my life . When my siblings and I divided up the furniture and personal items we wanted to each keep from our parents and grandparents , I chose a small maple table from the kitchen in our house in the Catskills . It is not in great shape . But it expands to sit 6 people if you need extra seating . The legs are a little wobbly . The top is a little scratched . But for some reason , I love this table . So it became mine . It arrived safely last fall . I immediately cleaned it and put furniture cream on it , as it had been really uncared for in the few years since our parents had passed away . We had not spent a lot of time in the Catskills after they passed , and all the furniture up there had been unattended . But now that is changing . I knew this table once belonged to my grandparents , then it became my parents , all that time it had stayed in the Catskills . But now it is mine and away from the Catskills at my home in Kansas . I had no idea how long it was in the family . However , this table called out to me . It was something comfortable . It seemed to always be around . A few weeks after the furniture arrived , I was looking at photos that my brother also had shipped out to me . And I found a special photo . Wow ! There is part of the table next to my brother and me . We are about 4 and 3 standing in our grandparent 's bungalow before a birthday party in 1958 . My brother and I are very dressed up for the Catskills . I know it is a party because I have found other photos with my cousins and grandfather . I think it was my oldest cousin 's fifth or sixth birthday . And it could have been a double party because I have two cousins whose birthdays are just a few weeks apart , and they are the same age . My Mom was very pregnant that summer . ( I actually have a photo of her as well ! ) Soon after this picture was taken , my cousin 's birthday was in July , my parents left for the City . They needed to be near the doctors and hospital . So we , my brother and I stayed with my grandparents . I have become a bit obsessive about my parents and grandparents furniture . My sister might say , crazed . My brother would call me loony . And I accept these type comments . How can I not ? I am . Part of me wants everything to go back the way it was when our parents and grandparents were alive . I realize I cannot do that . But in a little way , I try . An example ? I have my grandmother / mother 's baby grand piano . I have had it for 29 years . I love it . I played the piano as a child and adult . My daughter took piano lesson on this piano . Friends have enjoyed its lovely tone . My Mom played as well . She studied at Julliard all through high school , but my grandfather would not let her go there for college . She went to what became " Douglass " instead to be a teacher . As a teacher she would always have a job , but not as a musician . After my parents passed away I wanted two items that my grandparents kept on the piano . We have photos of that as well . And my siblings did not argue , they let me have them . The metronome made sense . It should be by the piano . But my grandmother always kept a vase from Japan on the piano . I believe my Dad brought it back when he returned from his service in the Korean War . Now I have both items on the piano as well . For some reason , when I see these two items on my piano , mixed in with my items , I have a sense that all is right in the world . I remember these two items from my childhood and it brings a sense of security . Finding the old photos reinforces memories I had , and brings back memories I had forgotten . The photo of my brother and I with the little maple table comes from a time of my earliest memories . All my first memories come from that summer , the summer before my sister was born . I remember my Mom pregnant and leaving to stay in the city till the baby was born . I remember staying with my grandparents in the Catskills and all my cousins . I remember my Dad coming to get us after my sister was born in early September , and my mom was back home . From that moment forward I have so many memories . So to see my brother and I with the table from that summer is an amazing find . The table brings back so many happy memories . I hope it provides my children with happy memories as well . Last week , as I sat on my front stoop waiting for my walking partner , I watched as parents and children walked to school . The start of a new school year always has Moms and Dads walking with their children pass my home to the elementary school two blocks away . I love the first day of school . The children and parents are so excited . Perhaps for different reasons , but excited together . Dads stay home from work for an extra hour or so to be part of the first day rituals . Some moms cry , especially when their first or last child starts kindergarten . It is a glorious day . And this year the weather was perfect ! Whenever I see the start of a new year , I flash back to my older brother 's first day of kindergarten . I cannot help it . It was so traumatic for us all . My Mom had given birth to my younger sister on September 2 . My brother and I were in the Catskills while this happened , and then we came back to North Bergen . I think my brother missed the first few days of school as we were with my grandparents . In any case , he was only four ; we had spent about a month away from our Mom ; there was a new baby in the house ; and now he had to go to kindergarten at Horace Mann Elementary . That first day my parents and I went with him . I still remember his screaming , " Please don 't leave me ! I promise to be good ! Come back ! " He was at the door of the classroom pounding , trying to get to my Mom , who was hysterical crying . All those hormones and my scared brother made for a very unhappy Mom . My brother thought that they were trading him in because they had a new baby . It took a while for him to realize he would be coming home every day . In fact for two weeks , Doris , a childhood friend of my Mom 's , came each morning to our home on Third Avenue to pick my brother up and take him to school with her daughter . And I mean pick him up . At first he fought so much she would carry him screaming out of the house . I never wanted to go to school if it was that bad . Two years later it was my turn to start kindergarten . I was petrified . But a few days before school started my brother came over to me and whispered in my ear , " School is really not that bad , " he said . " You will be okay . " And so I went to school without any screaming ! By the time my sister started kindergarten , she was more than ready . I had been playing school with her for years . She was the student and I was the teacher . She would read and write better than most first grade students . I thought I was a great sister because I got her prepared . Although she might tell you that I was a very mean teacher . But I disagree . I spent my entire school career in one school district , North Bergen , New Jersey . I did change elementary schools when we moved across town . Some teachers I never forgot . I was in Mrs . Wall 's third grade class when President Kennedy was assassinated . I will never forget that November day or the look on Mrs . Wall 's face when another teacher came in to tell her . I went from Horace Mann to Robert Fulton in fourth grade . We would be moving in October , but my parents had us start the new school year at Robert Fulton . It seemed like a giant change at the time . I missed my friends . ( Our schools went from kindergarten to eighth grade ; then a separate high school . ) But we were not so far away that I could not visit with them . And once I got to high school , we were reunited . Most people stayed in one place then . But now it is so different . Families move around much more . Children start in new schools more often now . So the first day of school is a bit more stressful . New home , new city , new school , these can all stress a family and a child My two children had easy starts to kindergarten . Their elementary school was in the same building as their preschool . So it was just a change in the building 's entrance . By the time my son started kindergarten , I was teaching in the same school , which made his transition even easier . We sometimes saw each other during the day . Because I still work at a school , the beginning of the school year impacts me . I work throughout the summer on a limited basis . But the week or so before school starts everything amps up . This year my office moved , I got a new computer , so I had lots of changes as well . I felt the excitement I always feel when school starts , with a little extra because of my own changes . My daughter is now done with school , so she is not impacted by this cycle . However , my son is still in college . I recently helped him move into a new apartment with a friend . He is back in classes now after a summer of just working at his fast food job . And his school cycle continues . Besides helping my son , I also try to help others . For many the expenses of a new school year are daunting . I volunteered to help for our local National Council of Jewish Women , Greater Kansas City Section 's ' Back to School Store . ' We provided school supplies and back to school clothing for over two hundred elementary school children . The names were provided to us from outside agencies that knew of children in need . It was a wonderful experience buying school supplies , sorting clothing and then helping children pick out the perfect supplies and clothing . To be honest , when I helped sort the clothes the week before the event , I saw these bright pink jeans that I thought were a bit too bright . But the little nine - year old girl , I took through the ' store , ' was in heaven when she saw them . And when they fit , Wow . She told me that the entire event was like " a wonderful dream . " It made my day ! It is such a magic time : students going to elementary school , high school and college . So many of my friends were taking their older children to away to college . Many were taking either their oldest or youngest to college for the first time . Others were taking their children for their senior year or graduate school . These children are ready to start a new adventure without the constant presence of their parents . As the new school year starts , I think it is normal to glance backwards to our own time in school , our children 's time , while at the same time looking to the future . Another year of school impacts us all . I hope , in Kansas , and throughout the nation that spending for schools and children improves this year . And that everyone has a wonderful year free from bullying , able to learn with teachers who care . Even though I was born long after the Holocaust ended , I have a connection that defies logic . I am named for my great grandmother Chava . She was hidden during the war and was murdered when she returned to the farm her family owned by the people who occupied and stole it . I have been told that she was shot in the head . I learned about her when I was 11 years old . Before that I only knew I was named for Grandpa Nat 's mother . And that was all . But when I was 11 years old , living in North Bergen , NJ , I had a major fight with my younger sister . I ran after her screaming , " I am going to cream you . " As she ran away from me , I felt a giant tug on my pony tail . My gentle Mom was dragging me to the sink . " Never use that word in my house . Never . They burned your Grandpa 's family alive in the fires of the crematoria of Austzvitz . You will never use that word in my house . " And then she put soap in my mouth . I have never , ever forgotten that . I never even thought of the slang word , " cream " meaning ' to kill , ' had anything to do with the holocaust . But in my mother 's mind it meant crematoria . And perhaps she was right . I have not found a reference for it . But it does not matter . What it did do was open up a conversation . My Mom was the gentlest person around . For her to do this , something horrible must have happened . And so I learned about the Shoah . I learned about my grandfather 's family and how they died : some of it , not all of it . Some came later . I thought about her so much , I started speaking to her in my mind . When I was worried about something , I spoke to her . When I was scared , I spoke to her . I knew she had been through so much that perhaps I could gain strength from her . And she would not let that happen to me . One generation was enough . When I was worried , I imagined her near to me . When my son was little and afraid to sleep alone at night , I once told him that there are angels guarding him . And I mentioned my great grandma . I will admit this backfired . When my son was about 8 we went to see a production of " Footloose . " When they sang the song with the lyrics , " Somebody 's eyes are watching you , " he had to leave the theater . He told me he thought about my great grandma and her watching him . So I changed that image for him . But for me , thinking of my great grandmother was always helpful . I did not think about how she died or what happened to the family . I thought that she would never let it happen again . Often my Grandma Thelma , who had spent six months living with Grandma Chava in Europe , would say , " You are so much like Chava . She also was shreier or a machshafer or chachama . " Whatever she wanted to compare me with that day . Because I was named for Grandma Chava , I was given jewelry that was hers and embroideries that she made . I now have a picture of a bird she embroidered hanging in my dining room . I was given the matzah cover she made for Pesach , which I have since donated to a museum . ( See my blog : " Watching Antiques Roadshow Inspired Me to Donate my Great - Grandmother 's Matzah Cover . " ) Recently we found a photo just of her . My Grandpa looked like his mother . My brother looks like her . One of my nieces looks like her . And I held her photo up to my daughter and there is a resemblance as well . I enlarged the photo and hung it by my desk so I can see her whenever I am working . Because I always have and still feel that she is my guardian angel . We share the same nechama , the same essence . Almost all of her children and grandchildren died in the Shoah , except my Grandpa and his family because he was in the USA . There were no grandchildren till years after the Shoah . My older boy cousin was named for my great grandfather , who also perished . And I , the oldest girl , was named for Chava . So I sit at my computer working . And I turn my head slightly to see her . The world of magical thinking makes me believe that she knows we survived . That she knows her great - great granddaughter has moved to Israel . That she is not only looking over me , but also over my daughter . As rockets fall in Israel , I think , ' never again . ' Another Chava cannot lose her daughter to the hatred of anti - Semitism . And I believe , mystically and magically , that Great Grandma Chava is watching my daughter as well . And I feel her ruach , her comforting whisper . All will be well . It has been a process . This was our final weekend of cleaning . My brother with some help from his son and a friend , had already moved out the old metal bungalow furniture and moved in furniture from our parent 's apartment . We had cleaned out clothing and personal items . We had moved out some items that we wanted in our respective homes . But now it was time to get rid of the stuff that had just collected and decayed over time . My brother ordered a 20 - cubit yard dumpster that he demanded be filled by the end of the weekend . My sister and I thought he was crazy . There was no way we would have that much junk . We were wrong . And it was , amazingly , filled . The house is now in order . Clean , organized and ready for us to use it . We had a feeling of accomplishment by the time we were done . Two of my nieces were there as well . And the four women , my sister and my nieces and I did the heavy emotional work , we went through thousands upon thousands of photos . We sorted them for each family . We made piles for our cousins . There were some we just discarded and put into the dumpster . And then we put together the ones we all wanted for me to take home and scan into my computer , for I am the family archivist . I will make digital copies and send them out to everyone . The treasures we found included our great grandfather 's passport and 1936 visa to come to the USA from Poland . Our grandparents worked diligently to get the paper work accomplished to bring him and my great aunt to the USA . It saved their lives . My Mom would tell the story of going to Ellis Island with my grandparents to get them when they arrived from Poland . Years later , when my children were little , we went with my parents to Ellis Island . My Mom asked , " Where are all the cages ? " The main room was a large empty space . But on the wall were photos of what the room looked like in the days it was in use . And the metal bars between lines of people could have looked like cages to a child . We think that is what she saw . In the bags and albums , we found photos of people in Europe from before the Shoah . And wondered how many of them perished ? We found photos of our great aunt Tova and our great grandmother Chava . Photos we had never seen before . Our great grandmother is young in this photo . My brother and niece have her mouth . We know they both perished , along with many other family members . Photos of our parents taken in Hudson County Park , North Bergen , NJ , in the 1960s were also a rare find . They were dressed up , obviously ready to go out somewhere . Mom even had white gloves on … white gloves and a sort of ' mini ' skirt : an interesting combination ; a transition between two generations , two styles of dress . There are no full skirts here . We found pictures of our aunts and uncles from both sides of our family , grandparents , great aunts and uncles ; photos of us and our cousins when we were little . They were wonderful finds . We even found three photos taken during the Woodstock weekend in 1969 . We thought all of them had been lost years ago when my Dad tried to mail them to me and the envelope broke while in route . My nieces loved one photo in particular , of my brother , sister and I when we were in our teens . We hate it . But the girls wanted to keep it as ' blackmail . ' We found wonderful documents : the list from our parent 's wedding ; some of Dad 's school papers , and his army paper , a telegram he sent his parents from the army . One of his school papers said he was in the choir in high school . We all laughed , Dad could not carry a tune ! But the most amazing find was a photo album of my grandmother from before her marriage . There was one young woman in many of the photos with Grandma . We were sure it was her best friend and cousin , Katie . But there were no names written on any photo . It was so frustrating . But then we found a more recent photo with my grandparents and another couple . In this one the woman was identified . And yes it was Katie . My sister and I were so excited ! ! When we compared her face to the young women in the photos we knew that we had discovered and identified our lost relative . There are many photos in the album that were taken in Europe . On the back many are inscribed to my loving cousin , Tova , in Yiddish and in German . I think they are photos given to her before she left Poland for the United States in 1922 . I have that album with me now . I am going to try to match some of the unnamed people with photos that we have where people are identified . I have already found photos of my grandmother 's siblings . Lately I have seen lots of little ' funny ' lists on what makes a woman a Jersey Girl . Some are funny , and some I find somewhat insulting . I hated the television show , " Jersey Shore , " because it showed people from NY / Long Island on the Shore . And people assumed that is what Jersey Girls were like . And it is so NOT true . My niece , who is now in her 30s , played baseball when she was in middle and high school . As the only girl with four brothers , including a twin brother , she never played softball . Instead she was one of the catchers on the elite team that her twin and next older brother played on . She was strong and she was fearless . Even though she was from St . Louis , she had some of the markings of a true Jersey Girl . One year her team played in a regional competition in Kansas near where I live . I took my daughter to see the team play as much as possible that weekend . But the first game that was played stands out and remains a family legend . My niece was one of only two or three girls playing during that tournament . There were hundreds of teenage boys . The first time my niece went up to bat , she was hit by a ball thrown by the pitcher . Of course she got to walk . But I was mildly annoyed . The pitcher did not hit any of the preceding batters . The innings went on . And eventually my niece was in the line up to bat again . And yes , she was once again hit by a ball . The only batter to be hit … and twice . I was sitting right behind the catcher . I could see the eyes of the pitcher . I knew he did it on purpose . I was furious ! None of the men said anything . Not the coaches , not the umpire , none of the other players . I stood . I walked to fence behind the catcher right at the field . And I yelled to the pitcher and to the coaches . " If he hits my niece with a ball again . I am coming on the field . It is Enough ! " Those might not have been my exact words . But they got the message . No one throws a ball directly at my niece ! My Jersey Girl instinct went into full gear . And I was protecting her . Not something that happens in quiet Kansas so often . She turned back and smiled at me as she walked to first base . Later she told me it happens all the time . Some boys do not like girls playing baseball . My standing up for her became a beloved family legend . Second , Jersey Girls do not take fools and stupidity quietly . I recently had to help a nephew buy a car . I will not go into full details . Let 's just say the financial guy at the dealership was not very good and made several errors . I will admit he was young , but that was no excuse . Eventually I had the manager of the dealership called . And we had a little talk . I explained my point of view and all that had gone wrong . I was angry . I explain that my next step was Facebook , Internet and letters . And that this had to be fixed now . They had wasted my entire day with their stupidity because they had not checked their facts ! They let my nephew drive his car that evening . We had to go back the next day to finish up the paperwork , since they had messed it up the first day . When we met with the financial guy again , I asked if he had learned anything from the experience . To be honest , I thought he would say that he would check his facts first . But no , his response surprised even me , " I learned never to cross a woman from New Jersey ever again . " Third , Jersey Girls are very compassionate and will always help the underdog . We might seem tough on the outside . We might give all the air of confidence and competence , which is true to our nature . But when we see someone hurting . When we see a wrong being committed , we help . I volunteer for an organization that works to help disadvantaged children and families in our community . This year we had a " Back to School " store where we provided school supplies and clothing for about 200 elementary school children . The day of the event , I was one of the volunteers who took the children around to pick out their supplies and clothes . My first little girl got to pick pink jeans , a pink top and a pink coat . She even got new shoes that had pink and purple stitching on them . Fourth , we will always help a neighbor in need . I am so tired of hearing that people in New Jersey are uncaring ; that they don 't help people in need ; that they could just walk past someone hurting . No , not true ! Years ago , when my daughter was a toddler , I was out on my deck when something unusual happened across the street . My neighbor was collapsed in her driveway , her five - year - old son was next to her , and the police and ambulance were coming down the block . I quickly crossed the street . The Mom was rushed to the hospital . The police locked the doors to the house and gave the young boy to me . I brought him home . I called the school office , as he was in afternoon kindergarten , to tell what was going on . They gave me his Dad 's work number so I could call him . He was understandably distressed : wife in the hospital , son missing . I reminded him who I was , and that I was going to feed the boy lunch and take him to school , as I felt being with his friends and in his routine would be best . And I told him how wonderful his son was , as he called 911 . I told the school as well , when I walked the boy to the school two blocks away . I have a special place in my heart for this boy . He is in his 30s now . And his Mom and I stay in touch . We Jersey girls never let a child or neighbor in need go unassisted . Fifth , a Jersey Girl takes action when others are standing around not sure what to do . My husband and I went on a cruise around the Greek Islands . When we returned to Greece , it took forever for the luggage to get off the ship . Suddenly a man collapsed . Some people went over , including a doctor . I asked what was happening . " A diabetic who took his insulin but did not eat . " I could handle that . I reached into my bag and pulled out rice cakes covered in cinnamon and sugar . They melt in your mouth . I brought it over and gave the doctor the bag . " This will work , " he said . I knew it . The man recovered . His wife came to thank me . No problem . I had a diabetic Dad . I would want someone to help him one day . Taking action is what a Jersey Girl does in times of crisis . We do not panic ! Six , a Jersey Girl is there for her family . ( Jersey boys as well . ) As my parents used to tell us , " Brothers and Sisters stick together . " To my brother , when we were little , that meant " No one but me can hit my sisters . " But as we got older , we work together as a team , which we did when our parents passed away and in dealing with other family events that were tragic . My siblings and I are a team . And my extended family is always there when we need them or they need us ! Finally , Jersey Girls never forget ! Do something good for us , we will remember you with love and return the favor over and over . Do something mean and nasty to us or to someone we love or know , and we will never forget . Do not get on the wrong side of a Jersey Girl . We Jersey Girls have learned to be strong , to stand up for the rights of others , to protect our families and friends . We take no gruff from people . We teach our daughters and our sons to be strong , independent , proud and good people . And we defend ourselves . My sister and I decided to take a walk up to Hurd Road this past weekend , as my brother told us that they had carved a giant peace sign into the hillside where everyone had been to watch the Woodstock concerts 45 years ago . We started the two mile walk at 7 o ' clock in the morning . It was cool and brisk : a perfect summer morning at 56 degrees . We passed what was once Sheppy 's Bungalows on the left . Going up that hill brought back memories of many walks along West Shore Road . Right passed Sheppy 's is a little road called Lollipop Lane . I don 't remember that street at all . And it really is not a street at all , just a little impression in the grass . I am trying to remember what was once there . I actually think there was once another colony on that side of the road . Just past Lollipop Lane , walking in the other direction , came my brother . He had left for his walk much earlier . It was a great walking day . We spoke for a few minutes , and he continued back to our house . As we walked down and then up the bigger hill to Happy Avenue , we remembered when they filled the bottom in to make the hill and road less steep . The hill was once horrible on cars , but great fun for children . We used to go horseback riding once a week at Pine Creek Stables , it no longer exists , except in our memories . But our favorite part of the drive to the stables , which we took sitting on hay bales in the back of a pick up truck , was hitting the bottom of the hill and bouncing in the flatbed of the truck . We would all yell , " Go faster ! " Now , of course , that is illegal . But then it was part of the fun of going up to the stables . We would spend about two hours at the stables each week . It was so much fun . We got to go horseback riding and visit with the horses , while our mothers had a couple of hours of peace . I now wonder what they did then ? Visited with each other in quiet , or cleaned . I hope it was just relaxing . One of my cousins loved the stables and riding so much , he actually worked there for many summers . Mucking out the stables , riI love their sign . As we continued our walk up to Happy Avenue , we passed a new riding stable . Rolling Stone Ranch . Its ' sign is definitely a play on the original Woodstock logo , but different . I loved the sign . This stable is not where Pine Creek was located . It is right before you reach Happy Avenue , Pine Creek Stables was a bit after the intersection . When we reached Happy Avenue , our brother drove up behind us . Okay , I admit it , my sister and I did not walk all the way to Hurd Road . We road the second mile with our brother . We passed the Pine Creek site on the right . Then we passed the farm with the famous " Woodstock " pond on the left . He no longer has the chicken coops there . Now there are fields of corn on both sides of the road . Then up one more hill and there we were at the site of part of Max Yasgur 's farm . The part everyone knows : the natural amphitheater where the Woodstock concerts were held . We walked to the monument and looked over at the giant peace sign carved into the grass . Over the top of the hill we could see the tents of the Bethel Woods concert site . In fact tents were set up just on the other side of Hurd Road on a piece of land bordering both West Shore Road and Hurd Road . We are sure it is for the events celebrating the anniversary of Woodstock . The walk is so peaceful now . Nothing like the chaos of 45 years ago . And perhaps calling the area Bethel Woods has more meaning . Yes , it is in the Township of Beth El . But how many realize that Beth El means the House of God ? And here we are in this peaceful place of West Shore Road , with so much beauty around us . While we were in Kauneonga Lake this past weekend , my siblings and I were cleaning out the many items stored by our grandparents and parents over the more than 50 years our family has owned our house . We found some photos from the Woodstock weekend taken from our driveway . Our dad then is almost 20 years younger than my brother and I are now ! While walking the path to Woodstock , I could not help remembering all the cars and the people who were there 45 years ago . I think of all those hills along the way . The only way to get anywhere that weekend was by foot or by horse . I remember the mounted police officers riding past our house to get up to the concert . As a friend reminded me , the concert organizers asked my grandfather for permission to land a helicopter on our lawn to get the musicians to the concert . He , emphatically , said , " No Helicopters ! " We were not happy , as we told him then , we would get to meet everyone ! But to my now adult mind , he was right . It would have caused mass hysteria from the crowds of people on the road . And even though we had a cleared acre of land , there were many trees nearby . The Woodstock weekend is one I will never forget . But for me , I love the quiet and joy and peace of West Shore Road that we usually relish . I love to walk and see the sights . I wanted you all to know that peace is in the Kauneonga Lake , Bethel Township . The giant peace sign on the grass is for the concert , but for me it was also for the inner peace in my heart whenever I return to Kauneonga Lake . ( My memories of the Woodstock weekend are in my blog , " Woodstock Memories : A Walk on West Shore Road . " |
This is a page specifically dealing with teaching simple present and present progressive . I have not tried any of these , but there are a lot of ideas here , and they look good . At the very least you will be inspired . Today is fine and sunny . The storm has headed up north , and we 're baking in hot sunshine with a little breeze to keep the air clean . The humidity is still high , unfortunately ( we hoped it would get blown away as it sometimes does after a typhoon passes near ) and another typhoon is heading this way along on a very similar path to the last one . But for now , at least , we can relax . It seems that all of Japan except this area was inundated with rain yesterday . This has happened before - we get heavy rain warnings , and everywhere else is drowning in water , but here stays dry . We got some rain but not enough to cause any sort of mess . There are large bits of tree all over the garden , which has also been invaded by little tree frogs . There are normally one or two hopping around when I water the garden , but this morning when I went out they were all over the place . I don 't know where they came from . Aside from the bit of fence that vanished early last night there doesn 't seem to be any real damage , but I haven 't been out to look around the neighbourhood yet . Our block has mostly new houses ( except ours and the disaster zone next door ) so they were pretty safe anyway . It 's the older houses that get the most damage , usually . By ' older ' I mean 30 - 50 - year - old houses . Anything older than that is likely to be built quite well if it 's the traditional style , but newer old houses tend to be very shoddy . Houses here are built to last about thirty years . Ours is an exception . Lucky us . I have learned the difference between earthquakes and typhoons . Some of these differences are obvious , and other less so . In earthquakes the major damage occurs very quickly . I think the Hanshin quake lasted about 25 seconds . In that time over 100 , 000 buildings were destroyed or severely damaged . In the earthquake , around 6000 people died . In this typhoon , five , the last I heard . ( I also heard that there was a huge typhoon several decades ago in this area that killed 5000 people , but I 've never been able to find concrete information about it . ) In a typhoon , the major damage occurs over several hours . It seems to go on and on . You hang in there and hope there aren 't any major wind gusts that will blow the tiles off your roof , and the ' hanging in there ' gets tiring . In an earthquake there is no time to hang in there . It 's over before you have time to think anything coherent , and you just go straight into shock . However , earthquakes also go on and on , but in ways you don 't expect because people don 't talk about it so much . There are the aftershocks , for one thing . These were occurring every five minutes or so the first couple of days after the Hanshin quake , and the effect was that you stayed terrified . The first big quake is so overwhelming that your nerves are shot anyway , and after that you are kept on edge by the approaching rumbles of aftershocks and the way the ground keeps slipping around under you . Your world has become unstable and untrustworthy . You most basic assumption - that the ground under your feet is solid - is shattered . Even when the aftershocks become less frequent you are still preternaturally alert to sudden movements or sounds . You live for a long time in a state of heightened awareness . This lasts weeks and weeks , because aftershocks are still happening , with decreasing frequency , for weeks and weeks . The mess after an earthquake is indescribable , both inside and outside . In the case of this typhoon , here at least , the mess is confined to outside . ( The mess inside is entirely self - inflicted . ) I understand that we were not hit hard and that this is not necessarily true for places that got hit harder , particularly for those people who got water damage . When a typhoon is over , it 's over . It 's gone somewhere else . You know you are safe , at least until the next one . After an earthquake the first rumours to start circulating are the ones about how that was just the beginning , this quake was the trigger that will set off a whole series . Earthquakes spawn rumours you would not believe . But you do half believe them . Your world has been turned upside down and suddenly anything is believable . Earthquakes also spawn housework you would not believe , and it 's very , very hard to put the furniture upright and put things back on shelves when you are convinced that any minute now it 's all going to get thrown around again . The rumours are demoralising . At least in Japan most of the damage from typhoons seems to be caused by water , judging by the news reports . We were lucky . We didn 't get the rain , and since we 'd already moved most of the moveable things inside from the garden we didn 't get much damage . The bicycles were thrown around a bit , but they weren 't damaged . ( Well , there is a dent in my front basket , but it 's good match for the old dent on the other side of the basket . ) In typhoons you have time to prepare . You are warned . You know it will be dangerous outside with all the flying bits of tree and things that weren 't tied down , so you stay inside . Inside is safe , unless you are the man whose roof blew off . Earthquakes give no warning . They crash you out of a deep sleep , don 't tell you what they are , and you think the world is ending . If you can think at all , you think , " This is it . It 's all over . Goodbye . " Both earthquakes and typhoons are incredibly noisy . But after a typhoon everything returns to normal , more or less . After an earthquake there is a dreadful silence . When you run outside and call out to your neighbours , " Are you all right ? Do you need help ? " your voices sound thin and faraway even when you are face to face . You feel that you are crying into the night across a great abyss . The air itself is dead and flat , with an alien , metallic smell , and everything is broken and unfamiliar . When the sun came up after the Hanshin quake there was no reassurance in it . It revealed a world that had changed in terrible ways . And still that dreadful silence that lingered for weeks , broken only by sirens and helicopters . ( Addendum , 3 . 40 am : The wind seems to have died down except for the occasional big gust , the house is no longer shaking , and the rain was never much to start with in this area . It 's finally quiet enough to go to bed . Good night ! ) I just had dinner . The kitchen in at the back of the house , and while I was eating a section the fence between our place and the place behind blew away . It had been making a terrific noise , and then suddenly it was gone . Exciting , eh ? Having the window open was probably not a good idea . We got lucky and the fence blew the other way . It could have come straight through the screen window . Yes , that 's right - I 'd had the windows open . It was too hot otherwise . We hadn 't bothered with the kitchen shutters , but after that we closed them , too . The wind is stronger around the side of the house where I am now , but it 's bad enough now that the other side is getting dangerous . It would be silly to get damage from the wind when there 's no need for it . The kitchen became stifling after closing the shutters . No air conditioning down there . I 'm sweating buckets but won 't have a shower until the wind dies down . Bits of plaster from the house next door keep hitting the bathroom window , and the noise is too freaky . I 'm very glad the madwoman isn 't there . We 'd feel obliged to invite her over here if she was in that house . It 's not safe there , now . I wouldn 't be surprised if that house fell down tonight . Up here the howling of the wind is straight out of a horror movie . The rain is hitting the shutters and sounds like pebbles being thrown with great force . Now and again the house shakes . I didn 't feel that downstairs , only up here . The tree hits the house like a large ghost trying to get in . I don 't know why I 'm not frightened . Perhaps it 's because of what our builder neighbour told us all those years ago , with great amazement : this house is strong , it 's built well , it will survive another earthquake as big as the Hanshin one , no problem , I guarantee . Well , this isn 't nearly as bad . It 's pretty damned bad , but not that bad . But there 's NO WAY I 'm going out in that . Never mind my umbrella being snatched away by the wind , I 'd be more worried about ME being snatched away by the wind . If the wind can make the house rock , what do you think it would do to me ? TV is fascinating during typhoons . The different channels handle it differently . The staid and serious NHK ( public broadcasting ) has more staid and serious reports , and always have the latest updates on deaths and injuries . It is the more sobering channel , although they also seem unable to resist the inside out umbrella thing , and the windswept reporters . They just do it more seriously . ( In other words , they still overdramatize like mad , but they do it seriously . ) Just now , however , I watched a rather dramatic bit of footage on one of the other channels . I was channel surfing and can 't remember which channel it was , but they were showing seaside hotels being bombarded with huge waves , and roads that were completely under water . This report was in English as well , and we had it on English mode . This can add a certain extra something to the reports , as the translators are working hard to keep up with the translating and don 't have time to inject the appropriate expression into their voices . So you get dire news reported flatly , or an upbeat tone when a downbeat tone would have been more suitable , or a surprised voice when they clearly didn 't know what was coming , and so on . They 're translating on the fly , and it must be hard . They showed a section of road that was completely underwater , and the reporter announced that people had been warned not to drive there but some people were trying anyway . They showed one car turning into the flooded road , and we got the translator saying , " The water is getting deeper , but the car still going forward . The water is halfway up the wheels , and getting higher , and . . . now he seems to be doing a u - turn . " That was clearly not interesting enough , so they switched the camera to a van turning into the same road . " There it goes , " said the reporter , in the flat tone that tells you he 's translating on the go . " The water is up to the hubcaps . Now the water is . . . er . . . higher . And the driver is . . . still going . It seems like he intends to . . . ( long pause ) . . . keep going . And . . . er . . . now . . . er . . . he seems to be . . . er . . . ( much loooonger pause ) ... ( very surprised tone ) . . . drifting away ! " The van drifted away . It was a startling bit of video , to put it mildly . While our mouths were still hanging open the camera then suddenly changed to a completely different picture , of a bit of road that had collapsed on the side of a hill . A police car and a truck had fallen off . The police officer was able to get out quickly but the truck was half buried and it took four hours to rescue the driver . Meanwhile The Man and I were still mentally back there with the van . We wondered whether the TV crew had done anything to help . Had they just carried on filming as the hapless idiot drifted away ? Or did they pay him to do that ? What other reason could there be to drive your nice shiny new van into what looks like a river ? Around here it 's not much worse than it was at 5 . 30 . The wind is gusty , but not too bad . We 've had a little rain but not much . Looking at the reports , the typhoon has lost power and the storm zone around the eye has shrunk a bit , and we 're right on the edge of the projected path of that zone . This might be as bad as it gets . It might miss us altogether . And it might not . There 's a few hours to go before it passes us . We 're on the east side , which is always the worst . Just went down to watch the news again ( I become an obsessive TV watcher when typhoons are heading for us ) , and NHK has gone inside - out - umbrella mad . I just watched about 15 umbrellas turn inside out , one after another . They interviewed one woman who was huddled on the ground with her friends , buffeted by wind and hanging onto each other . They were all laughing their heads off . She said she 'd been knocked over the by the wind and her umbrella had been blown away . My question : why do people bother with umbrellas at all , in this weather ? I mean , really , it 's insane . Umbrellas offer no protection in horizontal rain . And if you live in Japan , by the time you 're ten you 've probably seen several million umbrellas turn inside out in typhoons on TV , so it 's not like you haven 't been warned . I have two theories about this . One is that people carry umbrellas in typhoons just in case a TV crew comes along , so that they can have five seconds of fame on national television . The other is that the TV crew carry the umbrellas with them , and hand them out to people so they can get some ' dramatic ' footage of people getting their umbrellas blown inside out . The problem with the ' dramatic ' thing is that they 've long since crossed the line from drama to comedy , and apparently haven 't noticed yet . In another report , the roof was blown off one man 's house . He was interviewed , and said that he heard a terrible noise and knew immediately what had happened . I imagine he would have if his roof had suddenly disappeared . He added , somewhat indignantly , that this had never happened to him before . The typhoon seems to veering north a little , which bodes well for us . Maybe . On TV what they 've shown us of Kyushu and Shikoku is a mess . Four people dead , two missing , flooding , wind damage , and so on . The warnings are still in force for our area , but it seems that the rain is going to be more of a problem than the wind . Still , if it gets much worse the shutters are going up . This is a slow moving typhoon , although it has gained some speed since making landfall . The bad news is that there is another typhoon forming , and it looks like it 's on a nearly identical path to this one . So we could be going through all this again quite soon . There was a message from the WCPLA in the letterbox , saying that our neighbour has been located . She is in a hospital in Nishinomiya , and the WCPLA will be visiting and doing what she can . I 'm impressed at her fast detective work . Coming back from the supermarket I spotted two very naughty t - shirts . One said " For Unlimited Carnal Knowledge " . The words were listed in a row going down , with the first letter of each word larger and in a different colour . The other one said , " It 's hard to be good all the time , and vice versa . " Both t - shirts were worn by middle - aged women . The perfect English and wordplay makes me wonder where they bought them . Is this evidence of some t - shirt salesperson having a joke at their expense when they travelled abroad somewhere ? If so , tsk tsk . That was mean . It 's 3pm . On TV they are showing reporters in various parts of Japan dressed up in wet weather gear yelling into mikes dramatically and having their words blown away . You don 't need to understand Japanese to know what they 're saying . " It 's very windy ! The wind is very strong ! It 's raining a lot ! " more or less covers it , and we can see that already . They have also shown several people having their umbrellas blown inside out . I think they have an archive of material like this that they bring out every time there is a typhoon . The inside out umbrella thing is particularly ubiquitous . Every time you switch on the TV you see yet another hapless person struggling with an inside out umbrella . Or perhaps it 's the same one . Here the wind is getting up and the branches of the too - big tree outside the house are being blown about and brushing against the wall . No rain yet , but that is not expected until around 6 , along with a lot more wind . I 'm tossing up whether or not to pay a visit to the supermarket . If I toss up for too much longer , I might be the one being tossed up when I do finally make up my mind . Perhaps I 'd better go now . No backward flying birds yet , but they 're struggling . She 's not there . There is no sign of her , and nobody knows where she is . The house is incredibly messy , they said , and the toilet and bathroom look unusable , but it 's not too smelly . They said there is a place for sleeping upstairs but no sign that anybody has been there for a while . I 'm very pleased to know that she didn 't die in there , but would like to know where she is . The woman in charge of people living alone ( that 's very clumsy . I 'll call her the WCPLA ) is going to call all the hospitals in the area and see if she can locate her . The police will be looking for her , too . I tried to leave a comment on your blog , but couldn 't . I don 't know if this is a problem at my end or at yours . Whatever , I have some questions for you . Some of these might be too personal for you to want to answer , but feel free to pick and choose . You say you are in your second year . What do you teach ? How long do you intend to stay ? Is this a ' time out ' or a career ? How are your working conditions ? What kind of institution do you work for ? How are the living conditions ? What about your visa ? How long do you get , and can you renew easily if you want to ? What sort of cultural problems do you encounter ? Are you treated as a real teacher / person or as a foreign oddity ? Both ? How are your students ? Are you free to teach the way you want to ? Is daily life comfortable ? What about access to decent medical care , is that available ? Can you save money ? How is the housing ? Are you learning the language , or is it not necessary / too difficult ? Can you get around without a car ? Is the food good ? Do you get enough holidays ? Is navigating the local bureaucracy not too difficult ? I have more questions , but that will do for a start . I wish I could leave these questions on your blog , but since I can 't , I 'll just have to hope you come back here at some point . As a NZer living in Japan the experiences of ex - pats anywhere interest me , very much . I know you 've just started your blog but I 'm itching to read more . Please don 't stop now . Our water almost got cut off this week . The water bill arrives every two months , not monthly like the other bills , and we didn 't notice we hadn 't paid it for a while . They sent us two reminders , as well as the original bill , and one final notice threatening to cut us off . The problem was we didn 't get any of these bills . We have a new postie , and as I 've mentioned before Japanese addresses aren 't very helpful , and to make matters worse the name on our water bill is our landlord 's . Well , actually his father 's ( who has died ) , and since the landlord 's mad sister lives next door and has the same family name they decided to ignore the numbers and deliver the bills to her . This woman is a sad case . She is borderline . Obviously she is able to live alone , since she has done for years . She fiercely resisted attempts to get her rehoused after the earthquake when her house was deemed unsafe for habitation , and there is no law to stop her from living in it . It jumped off its foundations and has been leaning a few millimetres more every year , so that now her roof and ours touch . This is why we have a greatly reduced rent . A builder friend told us that if her house fell ( actually he said ' when ' but I try not to think about it too much ) it would fall in , not over , probably causing some damage to our bathroom and kitchen , but it wasn 't very dangerous for us . Our living rooms are on the other side of the house . It adds a thrill to bathtime , though , especially when it 's windy . Bits of plaster occasionally fall off the wall and make a huge clattering noise , and the next thing you know you 're standing naked and dripping out in the hallway , wondering how you got there . It 's that exaggerated startle reflex thing again . You never know when it 's going to kick in . ( Incidentally , our house was the only one in the block that did not need to be rebuilt after the earthquake . For some reason our landlord 's father , when he had it built , spent a fortune on it and it was built to last . We were lucky . ) Our neighbour has always lived with the shutters up and everything locked up tight as a drum . We rarely see her , although every few months she will come over and ask to use our bath . Apparently she has not had hot water since the earthquake , and anyway I suspect her bathroom is full of collapsed tiles and junk . She never puts out anything on rubbish collection days . She didn 't even put anything out after the earthquake , when we all had house - sized piles of broken stuff outside on the road . Her front door is still upright , but the door frame itself is leaning sideways so that there are huge gaps , which she has taped over . I don 't want to think about what it looks - or smells - like inside . The Man has been in a couple of times , and tells me it 's worse than anything I could imagine . ( The entire neighbourhood offered to help clean up after the quake , and were refused with screaming and angry insults . ) When the city government offered her new , low - rent housing to live in after the quake , she was furious and accused them of trying to take over her life . This was after she had told a reporter that her house had collapsed around her and the city government didn 't care and wasn 't doing anything to help her . Our policy has been , always , to be polite and friendly with her and to help her when we can , but not to interfere . We often don 't see her for months , but she has never stopped picking up her mail before . I 'd been thinking recently she would probably come over to use the bath again soon , since it had been a few months , and it crossed my mind that she might be ill or have moved away . But she is quite young . I didn 't think she might be dead . I don 't feel guilty about not checking earlier . This is the same woman who used to scream at her mother that she was going to kill her with an axe . Her mother was , if anything , madder , and died shortly after the earthquake ( in a hospital , in case you were wondering ) . She gets very angry at anything that hints at interference , and when she comes to use the bath she is clearly embarrassed , and makes her request using a mixture of servile begging and threats to have her brother kick us out . She doesn 't threaten us every time - sometimes she seems almost normal - but that 's what she did last time . In fact her brother hates her , and has said so to us . ( He is an odd bird himself , to put it mildly , but functions pretty well . ) The Man has gone off to find the neighbourhood . . . leader . ( I don 't know what to call this person - someone who is in charge of the neighbourhood and keeps an eye on things . ) He will leave it up to her to decide what to do . No doubt we will have the police around soon , breaking in and . . . I don 't want to think about what they might find . I 'm not looking forward to this . Well , I am , in the sense that this is dramatic and while I don 't like myself for it I do love a spectacle , and when the police get involved here you generally get a spectacle . But I also feel terribly sad that nobody noticed that something was wrong for so long . We are the nearest thing to friends that she has , her only family hates her ( it 's mutual , but still ) , and she doesn 't get much mail . It must have taken at least a couple of months for her mailbox to fill up like that . Of course , she might have just gone away somewhere . Or she may be there but have decided not to collect her mail from the letter box . But it doesn 't look good . A doctor was quickly located . When he asked what the problem was , the shark snapped , " Are you blind ? I 've got something stuck in my teeth , you fool . " Wobbegongs can grow up to three metres , have razor - like teeth and are said to be moody and short - tempered . Well , I was thinking , considering the kind of day I 've had , that I might just eat dirt . He 's welcome to join me . Posted by As you may have noticed , I do not use this blog ( or my other blog , currently having hiccups again , hence this reposting ) to express my innermost feelings . I don 't write about my emotions and talk about how misunderstood I am , nor am I writing about my quest for spiritual and personal growth . I tried writing like that once . I even joined a ' journaling workshop ' briefly , many years ago . ( When did ' journal ' become a verb , anyway ? ) What a load of codswallop I produced during that time ! Even I couldn 't read it . It bored me to tears . Somehow I 'd managed to reduce the dramatic and monumental load of crap that was being dumped on me to a self - pitying , irritating whine . There was absolutely nothing I could do about this stuff anyway . It was out of my hands . I had not done anything to cause it . There was nothing I could do to stop it happening . I knew it would keep happening , probably for the rest of my life , and how was I dealing with it ? By whiiiiiining . I decided I just didn 't have the patience for self - exploration , and besides it 's one thing to bore other people but it 's quite another to bore yourself . Being a congenitally cheerful person ( shallow , if you prefer ) it was difficult to sustain the misery anyway . There can be all sorts of emotions skittering around on the surface , and a sadness lurking underneath that ( but everybody has that sadness ; that 's just life ) , and then a kitten leaps vertically into the air in fright at the sight of its own tail , farting loudly - and suddenly all is fine and funny with the world . ( This actually happened to me in the middle of a very distressing and emotional telephone conversation with a family member , and it was very hard to justify why I started laughing . " This kitten seems to be jet - propelled " probably wasn 't a very good explanation . ) This morning I woke up in a massively black mood . It was too damned hot and I was drenched in sweat and misery . The Man was snoring peacefully beside me and I regarded him balefully . It was all his fault . He had set the air conditioner before he came to bed , at a temperature perfect for lizards . He was perfectly comfortable , and I was suffering . " It 's all very well for you , " I muttered , and he smiled in his sleep . I almost hit him . I could have got up and lowered the temperature , but the towel I was sleeping on was soaked through anyway , as was the pillow , and if I did he 'd just wake up and complain about how cold it was . So I got up and had a shower instead , feeling grumpy and out - of - sorts . Then I went outside to get the newspaper , and the moment I stepped outside a bird crapped on my head . And that 's it , really . I woke up feeling like I 'd been crapped on from a great height , and then I was . Oh , very funny . I had a craving for chocolate , had some handy - and ate it ! I realize you don 't understand why this is making me so excited , but I haven 't been able to eat chocolate for a while . In February this year I got a stomach virus . The timing was awful . I had eaten pizza that evening , and then four small squares of chocolate . I went home and later in the evening felt a little sick , so went to bed early thinking it was probably the pizza and I 'd feel all right in the morning . Around 2am I woke up feeling sicker , and after lying there for a while wondering if I could get to sleep again decided that if I threw up I 'd probably feel better . So I got out of bed . The Man was still at work in the next room , sitting at his computer . It was cold , so I pulled on a sweatshirt . I also grabbed my sweatpants , and was bending down to put them on when my stomach heaved dangerously . I flung the doors open between the rooms and made a run for it . The Man 's face as he spun around to see what the sudden commotion was about was priceless . What he saw first was my sweatpants flying into the room ( I don 't know why I threw them like that ) , followed by me , bent over with my hands cupped to my face and something nasty trickling through my fingers as I ran at full speed through the room . The shock and horror on his face would have made me laugh if I 'd been capable of it . All night I threw up chocolate . I could not believe how much chocolate I threw up , or how utterly appalling it could taste . I had only eaten four small squares but it tainted everything . I threw up four kilos of the bloody stuff . That 's how much weight I lost in the horrible twenty four hours the virus lasted , and it all tasted strongly of chocolate . I threw up chocolate violently and painfully every two hours , on the dot . The two hour thing made it possible for me to cycle down to see the doctor . At 10 a . m . I threw up , then went to see him knowing I had a couple of hours before the next bout . I had to work that afternoon . Normally I would have cancelled classes , but I couldn 't . It was the second - to - last class of semester , I was giving a test , and I knew some students couldn 't make it to the last class . I couldn 't grade them without the test , and there was nobody else to do it . When the doctor heard my symptoms he was thrilled with me . Usually I go to him with problems that don 't fit the season . ( " NO ! YOU CAN ' T HAVE A SORE THROAT ! THIS IS THE DIARRHEA SEASON ! HOW ARE YOUR BOWELS ? " ) This time I 'd managed to get something that he 'd already seen more than a hundred times that month . He showed me his official infectious diseases report . " See ? " he said , gleefully . " You have the stomach virus that 's going around . Everybody is getting it . It will be gone in 24 hours , I guarantee . " He gave me some medicine to stop the nausea , and some more for diarrhea ( which hadn 't actually been much of a problem yet , although I could tell it was coming ) , and told me to go to bed . I thanked him for his good advice , took the medicine right there , and cycled to work . I had a hideous afternoon , but at least I only threw up between classes . ( My bowels , on the other hand , stopped working for a week . I knew I shouldn 't have taken that pill . ) Since that episode I have not been able to eat chocolate . The smell alone has been enough to make my stomach turn over . I tried a few times , then gave up . I hadn 't even thought about it for at least two months . Today I suddenly got the urge to eat chocolate , and a friend had given me some a few months back which I 'd put away in my desk drawer , hoping that I 'd be able to eat it again soon . ( I still liked the idea of chocolate , even if I couldn 't abide the smell . ) Today I took it out . It had gone a bit shapeless in the heat - yes I know , it should have been in the fridge , but I 'd forgotten it was there - but it still looked all right . I smelt it . My stomach didn 't seem to mind . I ate some . the watery seven tenths of the globe are littered with some 143 , 000 ships : most sail under " flags of convenience , " registered in such countries as the island state of Tuvalu in the Pacific ; many are dangerous rustbuckets , nearly all are undermanned , with crews on third - world wages . The owners of these vessels , hidden behind multiple fronts and shell companies , are hard - and sometimes impossible - to trace . Though there now exists an International Law of the Sea ( still not ratified by the US ) and its enforcing body , the International Maritime Organization , the best efforts to police the sea have so far proved alarmingly ineffective . I 'm very glad my brother is no longer a commercial diver . And I 'm glad he 's not a loquacious person . ( I inherited all the loquaciousness in our family . He was left with a few grunts to communicate with . ) The little he 's told me about his work is frightening enough without adding what I 've learned from this book review . He says he wants to go back to it later , but I think his kids will keep him safely at home . He loves them too much to miss out on any of their growing up . By the time he 's ready to go away for the months at a time required , he 'll be either too old or too long out of the game . I hope . Marathons always fascinate me . I did cross - country running at school for a short time , and loved it , but the sheer determination it took to stay at a level where it remained enjoyable was beyond me . Plus of course there were all sorts of restrictions on my time ( caused by the silly sect I grew up in ) which made it impossible anyway . But I remember getting that runner 's high , just once , where suddenly all the pain and strain disappears , and you feel as though you could run forever , weightless , effortless . I won a school race on my one runner 's high , floating effortlessly ahead of everybody with my teacher cruising alongside in a car and urging me on . I talked with him as I was running . I told him how I felt , and he told me what it was called . It was a revelation to me . These days I can barely run around the block , but I love watching the marathoners . I went out with a guy who ran marathons for a while when I was in my early 20s , and I could understand why he did it . I could also understand why , even though he wasn 't built to be a runner and knew he would never win a race , he still wanted to run . Just finishing a marathon was enough for him . I feel like that when I watch the marathon . After the winner comes in , I want to be there , cheering on the others as well . They finished that run . They deserve to be cheered on . The ones that drop out deserve a cuddle , too , for all the effort they put in . Today 's race was exciting for Japan because there were three Japanese runners in the race , and all three stayed in the top ten all the way . They came in at first , fifth and seventh , out of a field of 82 , although perhaps this is less extraordinary when you consider how big marathon running is in Japan . It 's a national obsession . Every Sunday morning , it seems , there is some marathon being shown on TV . Noguchi , the winner , is 150 cm tall and weighs 40 kg . For you Americans out there that is 4 foot nine , and 88 pounds . Her BMI is 17 . 8 , which makes her underweight . I guess that must be good for running marathons . You don 't want to carry any extra weight for all that distance . She did carry a little extra weight , though . She had a talisman stuck to the side of her shorts , probably especially blessed for her by a Shinto priest . Maybe the extra weight held her back a little , but maybe the blessing carried her forward . Who knows . Today 's race was also remarkable because of the number of runners who threw up on camera . I 've never seen that before . Two woman threw up during the race , after drinking . One of these had just drunk some luridly coloured special sports drink . Her technicolor yawn made me think for a moment that she had some exotic disease . The winner threw up , too , after passing the finish line , and was hurried away by a doctor . It was very sudden . She looked radiant , then threw up . I hope she is all right . I regret the Japanese - centric coverage of this race . Although I can understand why they focused on Noguchi , especially after she pulled ahead , I wish they 'd shown the American runner who came in third . I didn 't get to see her at all except at the end , and she must have had an amazing race . She was never in the top group when they were showing it , and the next group was a long way back so she must have made an astonishing breakaway run at some point . I 'd love to have seen that . I would have been cheering her on like mad . SatoriSam thinks I never cheer on Americans , but he 's wrong . The rules of this game were simple , I told my colleagues . You collected all the balls you could find in the house . This could include everything from ping - pong balls to basketballs , plus a few ball - shaped things - pom - poms off woolly hats , for example . We could usually collect 15 or so . ( Coming from a large family has its advantages . ) The four of us ( the other three had left home already ) would then shoo the adults out of the living room , remove all breakables ( of which there weren 't many - my mother knew better ) , push the furniture back , pile the balls in the middle , and then someone would shout " GO ! " We 'd all dive for the balls and throw them at each other . You aimed for below the knee . Everybody would throw at once , and there would be balls flying and children leaping frantically and yelling and laughing and screaming , and this would carry on until we all collapsed into giggling puddles , at which point the game ended . ( Do you know how silly your little brother can look when he is leaping to avoid an incoming ball while at the same time throwing one and trying to grab another one ? ) It was a very fast game . We all ended up with red shins , and laughed so much our stomachs hurt . I thought about it . The nearest thing to ' winning ' I could remember was one time at the end of a game my older brother reached out an arm weak from laughing too much and dropped a ping - pong ball on my shin . We were all lying on the floor , exhausted and giggling . He announced , " I won ! " I didn 't think that counted . My colleagues thought it was a pointless sort of game , and of course it was . But it was insanely funny , and I 'd play it again if I had the energy . Posted by I 've had it up to here ^ with tBlog . I will continue using them , because people know I 'm there , but I will be pointing them here and posting everything in duplicate . This will take a bit of extra time , I know , but it will be worth it . I 'm sick of the slow loading , the problems ( there 's always something ) and the lack of support . |
When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
When I read studies that showed , alternately , that children would much rather lose a limb or get cancer than be fat , I was not surprised . Not even a little bit . What does surprise me , a lot , however , is when I see any act of kindness , or inclusion , or genuine welcome of people who are fat , or really , people who are different in any real way . I think what people fear becomes what they hate . It 's like when you slide up the alphabet from ' be ' to ' are ' - going from fearing to be to hating those who are . Those who fear being weak punish those who are weak . Those who would hate being vulnerable abuse those who are . Those who fear being fat brutalize those who are . But kindness - inclusiveness - welcome - those are things that can enter a world and change it . I took my seat and shortly thereafter notice a hugely fat man , nearly my size walk into the room and take his seat in a row two in front of me . It was an uncomfortable seat for him , the arms cutting into his sides , but he was there . After being seated , only for a couple of minutes or so , he got up , with some struggle and left the room . I don 't know where he went . While he was gone two teen girls came and sat in the same row , the nearest being one seat separate from where the large man had sat . They began to talk and laugh together . When the big guy came back into the room , he saw the girls and blanched . But he continued on and sat back down in his original seat . The girl furthest from him spoke in loud whispers to her friend . She wanted to move , she wanted to get away from that row . " What , " she asked , horrified , " if people think we KNOW him . " The girl listening . Sat silent , then in the smallest of moves , she shook her head . She would not move . The other girl , angry , got up , glared at the fat man , who had heard everything she had said , and stormed up towards a seat somewhere behind me . It was only moments when the room fell silent and the show began . At one point everyone was laughing , a genuinely funny moment , and I saw the young woman reach over to the large man and give him a punch on the shoulder and he turned to her and they laughed together . When the show was over , the big man got up right away , the young woman waited for her friend to return . He took a step away from her and then turned and leaned down and spoke to her quietly . I don 't know what he said , but I saw that she was crying as he spoke . She reached up and gave him a quick hug . Joe picked me up at work and when we got home we headed straight out . There were things we needed to do and we knew if we sat down even for a moment , in the front room , all bets were off about accomplishing anything . So , out we went . As we wandered getting first one thing , then another and finally the final thing done , we both started feeling better . It was nice to be out . It felt good to get some basic chores done and things accomplished . Of the many paths home , we chose the one that was quickest . Nice to be out . Nice to have things done . On the last leg of the trip , I always race ahead of Joe , push my chair to it 's full speed , and enjoy a brief moment of riding just for fun , not constrained by walking speed . As I was going down the road a cyclist , heading the other way , on the other side , veered over to where I was . He was smiling , his greeting was friendly . . . . met Joe at the door . Joe asked me about why the cyclist came over to me , what did he say . I told him that I had deleted that conversation . If my computer can delete , I 'm going to too . I could see that Joe was curious but he was respectful . I didn 't want to bring a conversation foisted upon me indoors , I didn 't want it to enter my head or my heart or my day . I had been making my way north on Church Street , headed towards the pub . I ran into an acquaintance who , actually , we see most often at the pub . After a brief hello , he commented on my state of being ' alone ' on the street at that moment . I told him that I was indeed alone and before I could continue to say that I was meeting Joe at the pub , he said , " Are you allowed to be alone ? " This guy has seen me in a pub , chatting with people . This guy knows from conversation that I go to work every day . This guy knows all that and he asks me if I 'm allowed to be alone . I said , " Of course I 'm allowed to be alone ! " I 'd answered before I realized that I didn 't need to answer - I don 't have to check in with him or explain to anyone who I am or what I 'm doing or why I 'm freaking alone . He didn 't drop it , " Where 's Joe right now ? " he asked . I recognize that many people who know us casually pretty much always see Joe and I together . But that 's because we do stuff together , we go places together , we live with each other and we like each other 's company . I assumed that people had that figured , now after two or tree variants of this ' alone ' conversation , I wondered if they think we are together all the time because I need care taken of me all the time . ( I don 't . ) The strength of a stereotype : disabled people as constantly needy and as constantly requiring care - can be measured I think in situations like this . Even though this man knows me as a working adult , who does adult things like hang around in pubs , the disability shouts while familiarity whispers . Stereotypes can be , I discover , stronger than actual interpersonal experiences . When I 'm in a situation where a staff offers me special assistance , like going to the front of the line , or having things carried for me , or any other kind of ' kindness ' offered to me specifically because of my disability , I decline . Always politely . I figure that if I can do it , I should do it . Even if it takes a bit of extra effort . I 'm never really sure who I 'm doing this for ~ is it for those watching , do I want them to see an independent disabled person doing it like everyone else ( even though I know I 'm not ) . Or is it for me , proving to myself that I can still do what I need to do without much in the way of extra help . Maybe it 's a bit of both . My chair fits into the accessible seating area with a little bit of manoeuvring . Getting out , equally , takes know how . It 's not just a simple turn . Even so , when communion is offered , and when I decide to take communion - which isn 't all the time , I swing my chair out and then back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until my foot pad clears the pew in front . It takes a few minutes , but I figure God 's got time . Others in the row may choose to take communion in their place from the person who is assigned that week to take communion to those of us who may find it difficult to get up front . But me , I go up front . I was tired . I wanted communion but the thought of back and forth and back and forth and back and forth was just beyond me . So , when asked , I signalled that I 'd like to have communion where I sat . It was brought to me , I took it , was prayed over and it was done . Nice and easy . Odd thing was it didn 't matter to me . It didn 't seem to matter to anyone else . Not sure why I worried that it might . At The Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto , this morning , Joe will be making his first appearance in the choir . During the summer , with the regular choir taking holidays , they ask for congregation members to step up , step in and sing . Joe has a lovely voice and he sang in a choir for nearly 10 years when we lived in Quebec , so he volunteered . He 's been to the practise and he 's ready to go . He 'll be singing in both the 9 and 11 o ' clock services . The 11 can be watched live on their website and I think it 's available for a few days afterwards too - for those of you who want to see his shining face set ablaze with song . For me , this is great . Joe 's always in the audience at my lectures , I now get to return the favour . We had a rough time getting WheelTrans booked for this , as it ends up they can get us there but can 't get us back . So we decided that we 'd make our way to the nearest accessible subway stop , which is a long walk , but I so didn 't want to miss this experience . During the whole time we were attempting to get a ride there was never a thought of ' oh well , I can just watch it on line . ' We 've learned as a couple , that if we want to do what we want to do , we have to consider my disability and then figure out how to work things out . It 's never really the disability that 's the issue , it 's thinking of a creative solution as to how to make our life work the way we want it to work . It helps that Joe hasn 't grown tired of the constant nature of ' disability deductive thinking ' - he , like me , remains determined to make things happen the best way we can . The last thing , the very last thing , I do before I travel is pee . Even if I don 't have to , even if I have to wring the bladder out , even if I haven 't had a tea in a couple of hours , I go pee . I 'm over sixty , I 'm a wheelchair user who travels strapped to the floor of a van . I go pee . When we left Harrisburg to make the drive home , I did the deed , because it 's ritual but also because I 'd just done a lecture and I 'd had a cup of tea , taken in quick sips , as I talked . We got to the van , got me in , strapped me down , loaded the van with luggage and bags and bags of stuff from shopping . About three hours in to the trip I began to suspect that I wasn 't going to make the full seven hours home without stopping at a ' rest stop ' which is just a nice way of saying ' pee palace . ' Our route took us through a lot of countryside so I just had to focus on something else . I decided to read . I read . And I read . And I read . Until my book had this wonderfully descriptive passage about the main character taking a shower . I could hear the water . . . I put the book down . It wasn 't helping . I now announce to Joe that we 'd best be thinking of a place to fill up the tank of the car and drain the tank of the passenger . We stopped at three places and did neither . The stations weren 't accessible . I 'm harsh on these , if I can 't pee at your gas station , you can 't put your hose in my car . I 'm still OK , still in control , but getting a bit worried . I begin to sweat . I wonder if that will help . We find a place , it 's accessible , we 're good , I 'm dry , Joe pulls up beside a sidewalk so we can put the ramp down and I can exit . But hold on . First he has to unload all sorts of stuff before he can unlatch my chair from the floor , before I can transfer to the power chair , before I can move the power chair which is presently surrounded by stuff . The power chair is slowly released from captivity . This takes longer than you imagine . I wonder , briefly , if crying would help . Have you ever noticed that when you are in the car and you have to pee that you 're OK until you 've parked and then , WHAM , you 've suddenly really , desperately have to go . It 's like your bladder can sense the presence of the toilet . I 'm being calm . Inside I 'm thinking , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up , hurry up . I see other drivers park and rush into the building . Great , there 's going to be a line up . Great , great , great , and why did I drink that FREAKING tea ? Finally I 'm out . My chair rears up and bursts into a quick trot to the building . There 's no freaking door opener . Someone rushes by me , also over sixty , also looking like they 've got water on their minds . I grab the door , I get in . I hear Joe cursing as he 's trying to get everything back in the van . I look over to him , I can see the Pacific Ocean in the blue of his eyes . It 's a multi stall bathroom with a row of three urinals . All the stalls are taken but the accessible one . I head to it at the same time as a young teen boy does . Back to the car , unload everything , get the power chair in , get the manual chair in , get strapped down , get the stuff back in . Get back on the road . Back in Canada , we figure we 've got it made , we 're close to home , so we stop for a Tim 's Tea . This line , written a few days ago , expressed a keenly felt moment because of a situation out of my control . I 've received little reaction in the comment section of my blog to what was written but have , since then , been receiving emails , at least twice a day . The emails break down into two categories : some are worried about me ; others are worried by disappointed in me - feeling my ' disability pride ' stance is a sham . Both types of emails come from people who I don 't actually know and who , even at a distance , care for me . Just like someone who might live happy and well as an extremely tall person can have moments when they just hate the constant jokes or inconveniences . It 's a moment . It happens . Yesterday I noticed a coffee and tea shop that looked both lovely and cosy , I suggested to a very willing Joe , that we head in . The ramp up was unusual because it was built with a curve in it and the railings were like you 'd see around widow 's peaks at the top of old houses . I managed the curve and then the turn . We got into the building just fine . We ordered our tea and then were given the option of sitting up front near where most customers were sitting or in the sitting area in the back . We went to the back . There were tables and chairs and sofas and a sense of calm and quiet . Gregorian chant played quietly in the background , and we sipped our tea and chatted about the events in the day . It had been a good day because I 'd had a good audience , all 200 or them , who made me feel welcome and who listened with interest and asked questions with passion . It felt good . So we chatted about the day and the conversations had . We chatted through our day off , the one between lectures , and what we would do . Ideas came and went , slowly a set of plans began to form . Soon our cups were empty and we were on our way . We told them how much we enjoyed this little oasis in our day and we were invited back . It 's already on our plan so we said we 'd see them again . On the way out , we encountered a problem . The ramp worked fine for turning up and right , it wasn 't doing well with turning left and down . My back wheels simply clearing the space . I was full of calm from the music and from the gunpowder tea , so I tried a few times , finally managing it . Had I been in a different mood or a rush , this could have been disaster . But the place had been peaceful , we had been made welcome , we left well suited for the challenges that would come . I was waiting , with the luggage , outside the hotel . Joe was getting the car and I was enjoying being outside in the warm sunshine . Then , she appeared beside me , taking the bench a little to my right . She looked at me and smiled . I smiled back and we both fell into silence . Over the two days we were at the hotel I saw her quite regularly . She spent most of her time sitting in the lobby or out on the patio . She wore a thin white sweater over a lovely pink blouse and a dark pleated skirt . Whenever Joe and I appeared we felt her watching us . Not with hostility . Not with a deep curiosity . More like just a passing interest in those who also were staying at the hotel . When she was out on the patio , I found her watching me as I got into the van . I don 't much like being watching as I do these things and Joe knows how to easily step into someone 's field of vision . I think she knew that we 'd found her watching a little intrusive because when Joe moved , she was looking down and reading the Bible that she carried with her at all times . Sometimes it sat in her lap , others on the table beside her . She didn 't read it often , it seemed a bit like an old friend just sharing silence with her . " No , no , he 's not . He 's my partner , we 've been together for 45 years this year . " I said not really knowing why I was adding that detail . " Oh , yes . I admit I thought you were a couple . You are so kind to each other . I 'm so pleased . " Her hands fell back on her Bible . We returned to silence . When she saw the van pulling up she rose and said , " I 'll give you your privacy now . " And she was gone , leaving the scent of blessing in the air . There were about 8 doors into the place . I checked , none had an auto opener . OK , it 's difficult but I can get through these doors . My right hand is fully engaged with the controls of the chair , so I need to use my left hand on a right handed door . The steps to get through : There were two doors to get through , the second was a little harder than the outside one because there was less space . But I didn 't panic , I just slowly did it again . I entered into the lobby backwards . There was a young fellow standing there , having watched the whole process . " You are pretty good at that , " he said , impressed . I still don 't know how to think of this . I did have it under control . I did want help . I 'm impressed he didn 't just rush to help , but thought he should offer . I didn 't like him standing and watching me get through the door as if he was watching a reality show clip . We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe , in a mall , right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee . A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old . The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn 't want her ears pierced , that 's she 's afraid of how much it will hurt , that she doesn 't like earrings much in the first place . Her protests , her clear ' no ' is simply not heard . The mother and two other women , who work the booth , begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings . She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later . She , the child , sees what 's coming and starts crying . As the adults up the volume so does she , she 's crying and emitting a low wail at the same time . " I DON ' T WANT MY EARS PIERCED . " After the pre - show everyone who had bought premium seating returned to their ticketed seats while the people waiting in the lobby streamed into the theatre . Ruby and Sadie sat in the raised chairs beside me , Joe in the row in front . We watched as the theatre filled from the front . As it was to be an interactive show everyone wanted to be as close as possible . The theatre was not full and this meant that when everyone was seated we were in the back corner , as far back as you could be , and the next four or five rows , right straight across the theatre were empty and all the seats in front of that were full . I said to Joe that it looked like we were being punished . And , in effect , we were being punished for needing to use accessible seating and for the accessible seating being in the very back row . I was concerned that Ruby and Sadie wouldn 't have a fair chance to be picked to go up on stage as I knew they both wanted to be . I spoke to a woman , I think she was an usher , and asked if the performers on stage would even know we were back there as the kids wanted a chance to go on stage too . I couldn 't believe the rudeness of her tone as she said , " Then they need to jump up and wave just like all the other kids . " She stomped off . Ruby and Sadie were not like all the other kids . The reason ? Because they were sitting with a wheelchair user in the very back row , farthest from the stage . Even if they did cartwheels the likelihood of their being seen was zip . I knew the woman was upset because , or I assume it was because , she thought I was asking for special privileges for Ruby and Sadie . I wasn 't . I really wasn 't . I was asking for equal consideration . That 's all . I knew that our seating took them out of consideration for any possible participation in the show itself . I spoke to another woman , this one in a suit . She told me that very few of the children would be given a chance to go on stage during the show so that they all had a slim chance . I pointed out that this was exactly what I wanted . Right now every other kid had a slim chance while Ruby and Sadie because of our seating had NO chance . She said she would speak to someone from the show about my concern . When she came back by me I called out to thank her , she ignored me , I thought she hadn 't heard . I spoke again , she near shouted at me , " I haven 't spoken to her yet ! " I didn 't who who ' her ' was but I knew I was seen as a problem . I hadn 't kicked up a fuss , I had only quietly asked that the kids get the same chance as everyone else . I didn 't want them excluded because of where we were . This simple request was met with rudeness and with dismissiveness . No one actually cared enough to see my point . More than that I was made to feel like a bother for doing some quiet respectful advocacy . The show began . A couple performers with puppets did come all the way back for Ruby and Sadie , I don 't know if this was because of my request or because they simply saw us across the barrier of empty seats when they were coming up the aisle . When it came time to call children up , the host , predictably called from the seats closest to the front . At no point , not even once , did she look up to where we were seated . Not once . We were invisible to her . This is what Ruby noticed . And it was noticed . When it was over Ruby was really disappointed . NOT because she didn 't get to go up on stage , but because there hadn 't even been the slightest chance that she 'd be picked . As I was giving her a ride home , she said to me quietly , about the host , " She didn 't even look up where we were . " She felt that exclusion , deeply , and was hurt by it . And at myself - it 's hard not to be self loathing or self blaming in these moments . My need of accessibility had hurt a child that I loved . My needs had made it impossible for her needs to be met . As much as I knew none of this had been my fault , as much as I had tried to advocate for equal consideration , it didn 't matter . For a few seconds , or maybe a minute , I hated being me and I hated being disabled and I hated needing what I needed . I reviewed in my mind the facts : I hadn 't asked for them to be picked , I 'd asked for our situation to be understood . We took the only seats we could , we paid top dollar for them , and we were punished and excluded primarily because I had needed accessible seating . Those facts brought me back to my senses . I pushed the self anger away . It took a solid shove to do it , but I did it . As we rode along I talked about the good things about the show and talked about how much we laughed . I wanted to try and make it all better . I could have my own thoughts , I just wanted a happy child in my arms . Ruby cheered up as we talked . Part Two We arrive , as instructed , an hour early . The show starts at 11 but those with premium seats need to be there at 10 . We go in and I pull in to the accessible seat while Joe along with Ruby and Sadie continue on down to take a seat , as instructed , at the front of the theatre . For the ' pre show ' people aren 't to sit in their assigned seats , they are just to cram as close to the front as possible so they can easily see and so that they can be taken , row by row , up on to the stage to meet a big dinosaur , have their picture taken and then stop and visit a baby dino before exiting the stage . I see where they all sit but then they are lost in the throng . A nice fellow in a nice suit approaches me and tells me that I can go down to the front and take pictures if I 'd like . He tells me that there is plenty of room for me to park and watch when the kids go up . I thank him and head down . I forget , momentarily , that non - disabled people seldom actually understand space . When I get down , a young woman who is there , I guess to make sure it all runs smoothly looks at me with , lets say , the opposite of welcome . I tell her that I was told that I could come down to take pictures . I try one spot and she points out the obvious , I 'll block people coming down the stairs . Then I move to the only other spot and she points out , again , the obvious but now her voice is sharper , I 'll block people getting back into the row they are temporarily sitting in . " There 's no room for you ! " she said , loudly and harshly meaning , " get out of here . " I can 't turn around because there really isn 't room . This means that I have to back up all the way to the rear of the theatre . The aisle isn 't really wide , that 's problem one . I don 't have mirrors or anything that give me a good rear view , that 's problem two . My chair has less power in reverse and really doesn 't like backing up hill , that 's problem three . People , also with premium seating , are rushing down the aisle so they can get a spot near the front so they too can get up on the stage , my slow retreat is slowing them up , that 's problem four . Some of the people are panicking because they are a little bit late and they want to ensure that they get up to the front for their premium seats , this means they don 't engage in premium behaviour . I hear some complaining as I slowly back past them while they stood off to the side . One woman , as soon as she thought she and her kids could clear me rushes out , turns sharply and her purse , white with hard , sharp corners , pastes me right on the side of my face . I neither received or expected apology . Even so , all the way back I am apologizing , " sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry , sorry " many say , ' that 's OK , take your time , ' but those that don 't really don 't . They 're mad . But mad or gracious doesn 't much matter to me , what matters is that I feel exposed , I feel centred out , I am these things always because of who I am and how I move , but when situation adds to it - I 'm mortified . After a tortuous climb backwards , I get to my seat and slide back in . I looked up and saw that Joe and Ruby and Sadie were standing on stage and they were the next up to go meet the big dinosaur . I was pleased that I didn 't miss it . But I 'm already tired , and the show hasn 't started . Soon the pre - show is finished and people disburse back to their ticketed seats . Ruby and Sadie were excited about being up on stage . I let their excitement fuel my own enthusiasm and , suddenly , feel a little less tired . Part One When we saw that a play about dinosaurs , called the Dinosaur Zoo , was opening just down the street from where we live , we immediately wanted to get tickets to take the girls . They LOVE dinosaurs and the play looked fun , interactive and educational . I went home and investigated getting tickets , when I did I noticed that if you paid extra you could arrive early , have the kids go on stage and meet a dinosaur , have a picture taken there , and get dinosaur gifts - that 's what we wanted to do . When I explained that I wanted the accessible seating AND the premium package things became difficult . The accessible seating isn 't where the premium package seats are . I explained that I knew that , the accessible seats are the WORST seats in the house - at the very back corner of the theatre . We don 't have the option to getting the premium package and accessible seating , we wanted that option made available . Well someone would have to talk to someone who would meet with someone and I would have to call back in a few days . I did . It was OK 'd for me to pay premium so the girls could have that experience . Great . Joe and I have had many , many , many difficulties with seating at the opera , the symphony and in various playhouses . We buy accessible seats and arrive to find that there is a problem . We no longer trust the assurances of a voice on the phone . The guy at the box office was confused about why we 'd be sitting in the very back row when we were paying premium seats . I asked him where else he suggest I sit . He suddenly understood that the very back row was my only option and I could see then it all made sense to him . I 've received a couple of comments from people worried about my lack of posts over the last few days . I am fine . However , I 'm a bit blocked with blogging . I want to write about something , tell the whole tale , but even the idea of the task exhausts me . It was like my wheelchair blew a tire . Which is , of course , impossible because my manual chair has rims that run on a solid rubber ring . But . . . it sounded like I blew a tire . I was riding on a bus , going to work , trying to figure out what had happened to my chair . Oh my gosh . What 's wrong ? ? The first bang might have been something that I 'd mistakenly attributed to the chair but now , the crack , I heard and felt a change in the chair . Then I remembered , that while daydreaming the bus took a large arc in an empty parking lot and my chair tipped a bit to the right . Normally I hold on to brace myself for turns but I hadn 't been paying attention . I knew that my entire weight had been transferred onto one wheel . That must have been when it happened . Finally we arrived . I got up to check the chair and the driver noticed that the rubber had slipped off the rim of my wheel . In a second it was back on , I was back in , and at work . We were driving south , coming home from work , when I saw a man sitting on the street . He had a cap out in front of him for passersby to throw change into . He stared vacantly into the distance while his right hand slowly stroked the fur of one of the two dogs that curled up next to him . The dogs , one brown , one grey , were small dogs . The fur one each of them looked like a good wash and a good brush would be in order . The intersection was very , very , slow so it took us three lights to get up to the front of the line . Joe and I had dug for change so I was ready . As soon as we were close enough , I rolled my window down and called out : Sir ! Sir ! I have some change . He turned , startled , and saw me with my arm out the window , with my hand clearly holding some money . He got up and came towards me , the dogs , both on leashes followed . I placed the money in his hand and wished him a good day . He put his hand on my arm , looked me in the eye and said , " Bless you , I thank you for the money , and I thank you for seeing me and speaking to me . " Because , as we drove away , I was forced to be honest with myself . I had seen the dogs . I had seen that they needed more care . I had wanted to contribute hoping that some of it would go to the dogs . I saw him , but I saw him secondarily to the dogs . I saw that he needed care , that he needed food , and shelter and a good wash . But . I gave him money because of the dogs . I dont ' like admitting this publicly . I feel I need to defend myself by saying that I regularly give to people on the street who ask for change . They don 't all have dogs . I want to be a good person , I want to ask in generous ways . But the only way to be a good person , I think , is to take the challenge to grow when it is offered . His words made me realize that my motive in helping wasn 't as much ' human being to human being ' as it should have been . That I had prioritized the care of the dogs of the care that he needed . That , though he thought I had seen him . I hadn 't . Until he spoke , I really hadn 't seen him . When I ride to work , using WheelTrans , I never know what route I 'm going to take or who I 'm going to meet . I like this as a way to begin my day . It shakes the brain up a bit and makes each turn a bit of a mystery . Over the many years of using the service , I 've come to ride on many streets and take many routes . Some of them I recognize from various landmarks . As a disabled person , some of those landmarks are distinctly disability related . Houses with cool ramps , porches with elevators attached , garages full of scooters . One of those landmarks is a house in an older part of town and I noticed it , at first , years ago , because a brand new elevator had been installed and the determinedly and somewhat shiny beige of the elevator clashed against the old world charm of the porch and the landscaping . I could see that paving stones had been placed to make a pathway from the elevator to the driveway . Without knowing any of the story , it was clear that there was someone in the house who now needed a way to deal with getting from the ground to the porch without traversing a steep and curved stairway . Over the years the elevator has become less shiny and began to blend into the the environment , simply becoming part of the house , part of the neighbourhood . I 've never seen the person who rode the elevator . Never stopped to pick someone up at that address . But what I did see is that the elevator was down as often as it was up . Whoever used it , used it a lot . Whoever used it was still quite active and still engaged in life . We drove by the house and I glanced to see if the elevator was up , or down . It was up . Below the elevator , right underneath , was a large floral display , the type you see at funerals . It was a large heart , white flowers edged by red flowers . Beside them stood a young woman , perhaps in her twenties . She was looking at the flowers , her shoulders slumped , and tears ran down her face . She was grieving . Grieving openly and without reservation . Even though I don 't know the story . I don 't need to . My heart reached out to her , from behind my bus window , and wanted desperately to offer her solace . She leaned forward , placing her hand on the elevator for support , and now began to sob . We had the opportunity to visit someone last week who lives in a fully accessible apartment . I 'd never been in one before . My own apartment is one that we 've made adaptions to , increasing my independence as much as possible , and as a result I 'd been thinking it was pretty accessible . This apartment had a fully accessible bathroom . It was amazing . All the things I need , all the things I want , all in one place . A tall toilet , well placed bars , a walk in shower , a sink I could shave at . You know I haven 't shaved in the bathroom for 8 years . I shave in the bathroom , with a small mirror and a bowl of hot water . It works , I get a good shave , but it requires a lot of Joe 's effort to make that happen . This was an accessible bathroom , in an apartment . The kitchen . I almost swooned when I saw the kitchen . I could get to every appliance . I 'd be able to cook on the stove . In our place , we 've made space for me to get into the kitchen and a place for me to work . I cut and chop and spice our meals . Joe , who has access to the stove , cooks the meals . Joe is a good cook . We work together well , but man , I miss being able to use a stove . We had a lovely visit but when we left I felt so cheated . We 'd done a good job with our place , carving out a space for us that works . But until now I realized , it works , but it doesn 't work well . I had simply , because I had to , ceded various parts of the apartment to Joe and accepted that I 'd have to take help where help , was necessary not because of my disability but because of my environment . I had just mentioned to Joe how I wish those who designed parks had an understanding of diversity . Park benches are made for exactly one size of person with exactly one type of mobility . For me , and for many I know , they are too low to sit on . For others I know , they are too tall . We chatted as we strolled about how nice it would be if there were a variety of types and sizes of benches . It wasn 't in the best place . There was no shade . It looked over some greenery but the primary view was of construction . But - it was tall . I pulled over to the side , parked my wheelchair and transferred out of the chair and onto the bench . The first time I 'd sat on a public bench since the onset of my disability . It was amazing . I don 't know how that bench came to be . I don 't know why it 's taller than other benches . I don 't know who put it there or why . If you know me well , or if you 've seen me from a distance , you might get that I 'm not a dedicated follower of fashion . I remember , once , being introduced by Nigel Devine at a venue in Newcastle - Upon - Tyne . " One thing you can say about Dave , " Nigel said , in a serious tone , " is that he 's never let success go to his clothes . " I still think that is one of the funniest , and therefore one of the best , introductions I 've ever had . And Nigel is right . My wardrobe is simple . Black jeans , black socks and polo shirts are my go to every morning wardrobe . So it might then surprise you to know that I went to the Royal Ontario Museum yesterday to see an exhibit on fashion . We 've been members of the museum for many years now and we try to see every exhibit , large or small , that comes to the city . It 's a terrific way to spend some time , expand our mind and , of course , they serve a lovely , and relatively inexpensive , lunch . As is our habit we arrived at about 11 : 30 and headed up to see the show , we 'd have lunch afterwards . More on that tomorrow . I was actually kind of excited about the show , it was called , " Fashion Follows Form " and it was an exhibit about a clothing designer who has begun designing , rather than making , clothes for the seated form . I don 't want to spoil the exhibit for anyone reading this that 's going to rush over and see it , so let me just say that the designer began considering the needs of wheelchair users after having been requested to make a cape for someone with a disability , well known in Toronto , and in attempting to make the cape began to realize the fashion needs of people with disabilities . While I liked the exhibit and the clothes on display , this time I really liked , and read every word , of the descriptions of what we were seeing and of the idea behind fashion design as it related to disability . I was fascinated . Right off in the show it points out that designers design for the standing , walking , body . . . and from there I learned about fabric and about bodies and about how sitting changes the design needs . Even there in my black jeans and my black socks and my blue polo , I was transfixed . I don 't often get to see exhibits that look at life from the point of view of having a disability . Of being seated . So that was a treat . But , more than that , I liked how the exhibit talked about the disabled body and the needs of that body in such a respectful way . I left having learned more about my own seated body and , though I don 't consider fashion as part of how I express myself , I understood more about how those who do . I was stopped by a young woman , with a physical disability , who was looking for directions to Dundas Square . I 've always liked giving directions , it seems like such an easy way to show my pride in my city and it allows me to add to its reputation as a wonderful place to visit . So , I took my time and explained her options . She could continue on , directly south , or she could turn back and take the subway directly there . She was shocked at the idea that she could take the subway , she had automatically ruled this out as a possiblity because she assumed it would be inaccessible . She turned to go towards the subway , and was now heading the same way I was . So I rode along side of her and I shared a bit of her excitement in her first subway ride . I know the subway around here fairly well and told her that the subway wasn 't completely accessible but the two stops she needed were . I suppose I showed off a bit by telling her what to do when she got off at Dundas , where the elevator up to the street was , and where she would cross over to the square . She chatted with me a bit about her trip to the city and that she was having fun . Toronto was more accessible , she said , that her home city . Too , she found the downtown core exciting and she felt entirely safe as a woman alone . I was beginning to swell with civic pride . The only problem , she said , was that she noticed that Torontonians stare at her a lot . Back home , she said , people tend not to look at people with disabilities and while that has it 's own problems , it feels somewhat safer and much more anonymous than the open and overt stares of the people of Toronto . She confided in me that one of the reasons that she stopped me , to ask me for directions was that she wanted someone who would look at her but not stare at her . This cities stares , she said , were more than curiousity and only a little less than hostility . When she gets home , she looks forward to invisibility again . I have written here often about the stares and hostile glances I get as a person of difference when out in public . I often , like she did , want a break from stares and glares - long for someone to look at me rather than stare at me . There is a difference . But I 'm not sure I want to trade that for invisibility , people not seeing me , not registering my presence . I 'm curious . How do you all feel about those two polar opposites ? Me , I 'd rather be seen - in any manner , than to be made not to exist , excised from sight and mind . Although , writing this , I can see there is a seductive call to just slide into the shaded side of prejudice and hide there for awhile . If I am approaching a door with an automatic opener , and they are ahead of me , when they notice me they hit the button to open the door . That , that 's not uncommon . But what they do that 's just a bit extra is that once they are through the door they slap the button a second time . Double slapping . This means that the door stays open a wee bit longer , often long enough for me to get to and through the door . These guys never wave , or wait for thanks , it 's just a hit on the button , without breaking stride , and they are off . It 's like this little , tiny , act of kindness that speaks volumes about awareness . They must know that they are giving me extra time , a wee bit of a hand . It feels like a friendly punch on the shoulder , a warm slap on the back , an act of help and encouragement that doesn 't draw attention to itself . The newest issue of Service , Support and Success , the newsletter for direct support professionals , is now out . If you wish to subscribe please send an email to dhingsburger @ vitacls . org . . . if you have not recieved it and you were expecting to , please subscribe again . Thanks . When we moved to Toronto , all those many years ago , we were still just boys . We thought of ourselves as men , but really when we see pictures of ourselves from back then , we were just kids . This may explain how ' magic street ' came to be . My car had died and lay , a rusting heap , in my parking space at the apartment building where we lived . So we used , as Joe always said , ' shanks ' pony ' to get around . I liked using Dundonald street when we were crossing , north of where we lived , to Yonge or when travelling south on Yonge crossing back to Church . I maintained that the street was magic . If you start out on the north side walking east , and walk a straight line you will end up on the south side . As one might predict , then , when walking on the south side in a straight line headed west you 'd end up on the north side . Magic , right ? The secret behind the magic is that the street has a sharp bend in it . That 's all . But the me back then , liked the idea of this little bit of ordinary magic . A couple years ago we introduced Ruby to the magic street when she was here with us for the weekend on her own . She LOVED magic street . LOVED it . She loved especially explaining , every time , about starting north , ending south , starting south ending north . . . using many more words than that . Every time she 'd be in the city , she 'd ask to walk on magic street . We tried to go when we could but it wasn 't often because we usually were going in a different direction when she asked . Then , as would happen , a little over a year later , she 'd asked to go on magic street and it fit with our plan for going over to the splash pad for her to play . We took her down the street , when we got to the bend she said , " Hey ! This isn 't magic , it 's just a bend in the road . " I looked at Joe and said , " Well , I guess that 's over . " This weekend , when she and her sister we out walking with us , Ruby said , ' Can we go on magic street ? ' Sadie , who 'd been introduced to the street a couple of times , called out , ' Yea ! Let 's go to magic street . ' We were headed , again to the splash pad , so we could easily accommodate the request . Ruby took pains in explaining to Sadie about how magic street worked . Then when the cross over happened , everyone stopped and said , ' Wow , NOW we are on the south side ! ' Fun . At the little park , I was sitting in the shade watching the girls play when Ruby came over and sat down on the bench beside me . I asked her why she was still calling it ' Magic Street ' when she had been so disappointed when she realized that it was just a bend in the road . She didn 't even pause , she said , simply , " Because magic is more fun . I choose magic . " Ruby reminded me that there is a choice involved . I can see the everyday magic about me . I can be that young boy / man who first saw the magic in Magic Street . I can choose magic or I can choose mundane . It 's my choice . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities . |
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