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Using Wilder 's books as the source of inspiration , Beyond the Prairie : The True Story of Laura Ingalls Wilder finds a teenage Laura Ingalls ( Meredith Monroe ) , Pa ( Richard Thomas ) , Ma ( Lindsay Crouse ) , and Laura 's three sisters living in De Smet , SD . Eventually she meets the dashing Almanzo Wilder ( Walt Goggins ) , they marry and set up a little house of their own . Crop failures , the death of their infant son , a chimney fire destroying their home , and a bout with diphtheria that leaves Almanzo permanently impaired , leads the Wilders to the decision that they must say goodbye to Ma and Pa and leave De Smet in search of new opportunities . In the sequel , the Wilders end their journey in Mansfield , Missouri , where they purchase a small farm and some apple trees . They meet a man who helps out around the place since Almanzo is still weakened by the effects of his stroke . Their daughter , Rose , experiences some trouble at school , and Laura travels back to De Smet , SD to see her dying father one last time . I always felt these movies were a nice way to honor Laura 's legacy . While they followed the books more closely than Michael Landon 's Little House on the Prairie series , I still felt they took a bit of creative license in spots . Almanzo and Laura consummate their marriage in a field . That was a stretch for me . Rose is only a toddler when they leave De Smet at the end of the first movie , but she is at least 5 or 6 at the start of the sequel , which finds the Wilders still riding in their covered wagon to Missouri . The scene between Laura and her dying father is very touching , but it almost seems like they wanted to infer that Charles Ingalls ( Pa ) was responsible for Laura writing her books so that Rose wouldn 't forget about their triumphs and trials . As Laura enthusiasts know , it was Rose , who was an adult and also a well - established writer , that prodded her mother to pen her now classic books . I know it 's been a while , but I figured I would add a new poll for Thanksgiving . During Season 6 , Little House on the Prairie ran what was known as " The Little House Years " . Laura and her family are around the dinner table and she is sharing stories from their past . This is a clips episode and features the episodes like 100 Mile Walk , Journey in the Spring , and other favorites . I always loved this series of episodes because it was way for Albert to learn more about the family he had been adopted into . Grace among a sea of violets . Laura climbed down the bank and Grace happily showed her big sister the " sweet " blossoms . Laura gathered Grace into her arms and hugged her as she caught her breath . Then together they headed toward the house . After leaving Grace with Mary , Laura headed to the slough to let Ma and Pa know that Grace was safe . It was past lunchtime when everyone was together again in the house . Laura described the violet area to Pa and he told her that it was an old buffalo wallow . After their lunch , at which only Grace was hungry , Pa headed out to finish the tree planting . Ma helped Grace hold her tree as Pa planted it . Inside the house Pa put a nail into the wall and hung the wooden bracket that Ma 's china shepherdess always stood on . Both the bracket and the shepherdess were as beautiful as they had been back in the Big Woods . He also put nails over the door for his rifle and a shiny new horseshoe . Laura brought the fiddle and Pa sang a beautiful song about the horseshoe . The house was a home . It was a tight squeeze but everyone was together and they were finally on their own claim . Pa promised that rooms would be added later on . He would make a little place for a garden and spend time raising hay and cattle . It truly was a happy home . While Mary kept Grace busy , Ma , Laura and Carrie set out to finish unpacking and making the house a home . They pulled everything out of the house . But there was too much stuff and they were having a problem fitting it all back into place . Pa was back home with a new well dug before the ladies had it figured out . He went off again to build a cover for the top to keep Grace safe . After trying many different things , the house was finally put in order . Trunks , beds , table , chairs , whatnot and all of the other belongs were finally in place . After dinner Pa and Laura worked on making a window and hanging a front door . They they put tar paper on the outside of the house . Tar paper was not pretty but it kept out the wind from coming in through the cracks in the walls . At the supper table Ma decided that she needed to do some baking . Pa promised to go to find some firewood from Lake Henry . Laura and Carrie begged to go with Pa . They missed seeing trees . There were no trees to be seen anywhere on the Dakota prairie . Pa assured then that pretty soon there would be plenty of trees because the government was making everyone plant trees on each tree claim . Soon there would be plenty of trees for shade . Early the next morning Pa headed out to Lake Henry for the load of firewood and Laura took Ellen to drink from the well . She enjoyed her time outside alone . She rolled on the fresh grass until she discovered a grass stain on her dress . Soberly she headed back to the house . The girls unpacked their pretty belongs and set them on the whatnot to make the room look homey . Ma was just about to put up the shelf for the china shepherdess when she heard Pa outside . He seemed excited and the whole family went out to see what was going on . Pa had a wagon load of little trees . He explained that they were cottonwoods that had grown as seedlings from The Lone Cottonwood that they had seen when they came from Brookings . Carefully he pulled one tree from the wagon . " This one is for you Caroline , where do you want it ? he asked . Ma wanted it right outside the door to provide shade for the house . One by one more trees were planted by each of the family members and those was their special trees . Soon the whole house had a windbreak of cottonwood trees . " The last tree if for Grace . Send her out to help me plant it Caroline " . But Grace wasn 't in the house . They looked around the house and she wasn 't there . Where could she be ? Soon everyone was running and screaming for Grace . Laura headed for the big slough . She prayed that Grace hadn 't gone in there , they would never find her in that tall grass . It was moving day and every member of the Ingalls family was happy . Ma and Mary were happy that this would be their last move , forever . Laura was happy because she was looking forward to living outside of town . Carrie was happy to see the homestead . Pa was happy to be moving again , anywhere , and Grace sang and was happy because everyone else was happy . After the breakfast dishes had been washed and dried , Ma packed them into the tub to ride safely in the wagon . Pa had taken the stove and stovepipe , along with the table and chairs and loaded them in as well . He tugged on his beard and decided that he had to make 2 trips to the homestead to get it all there with a place for all of his girls to ride in the wagon . So as he left to unload this trip , Ma and Laura rolled the beds , packed the lamps and prepared for his next load . It was all ready for him when he returned . The last item to be tucked safely into the quilts was the fiddle . The family climbed into the wagon . They were on their way home . Ma noticed that Laura wasn 't wearing her sunbonnet and beckoned her to do so . Laura didn 't like wearing her sunbonnet because she couldn 't see past the bonnet 's sides . Reluctantly she pulled it on and looked straight ahead at the backs of her father 's horses who were leading the way . Carrie noticed a beautiful set of horses in the distance . Pa told her that they were the Wilder boys ' . Almanzo was driving and his brother Royal was beside him . The boys had homesteads in the area . Laura looked at the beautiful animals and wondered how much they cost . Pa told her that they must cost nearly $ 300 . That was a lot of money and Laura could only dream of such a matched pair of beauties . Soon they came to the homestead . Pa had built a rough shack the day before and Ma chuckled at the sight of it . Pa promised that he would finish building it later that day and they would all be moved in soon . There were no windows and no door , but there was a root cellar . It was a very small house , but at least they were there and no one could jump their claim . By the end of the day , the curtains was put up for the bedrooms , the beds were made and the stove was set in its place . After dinner the family spent the evening enjoying the peace of the open prairie . The stars were twinkling overhead and the frogs in the Big Slough were croaking . Pa asked for the fiddle and played a song . Ma sighed and declared that she would hang the bracket for the china shepherdess as soon as the roof was finished over their heads . When she was safely in her place , it would finally be home . The surveyors had come back to reclaim their house . The Boasts had gone out to live at their claim , and there was nowhere for the Ingalls family to live except in Pa 's unfinished building in town . Carrie and Laura walked to town with Mary between them and Pa 's wagon following close behind . Laura felt lonely and scared in a new world with so many people in it . They came to town and to the building . It was a long building with a door in the front , windows on each side , and a door at the back . Sunlight could be seen coming through the crack in the wall boards and the knotholes . Pa noted to Ma that he had much work to do to finish the building but he thought that they would be warm enough now that spring had come . He would soon put up some siding to fill in the crack in the walls . Ma requested a staircase to the loft but then portioned off some rooms with some sheets so they would have a place to sleep until real walls could be built . Moving in was completed and night fell . There were streams of light coming from the windows of buildings across the street . Sometimes feet walked along the sidewalk in front of the building . At last the night was silent but Laura felt crowded . In the morning she awoke to Pa singing and she was surprized to feel snow on her face . Pa came over and told her that there was a foot of snow on the bed . Laura and Mary lay still as Pa dug them out and then watched as the did the same for Carrie and Grace . Then they all hurried to dress by the warm stove . BRRR . Ma moved the breakfast table close to the stove near Mary 's chair . She warmed her shawl and wrapped Grace in it . They swept the snow into the corners of the room . Pa promised to make a partition to keep the heat near the stove . Laura and Carrie helped to hold the boards as he sawed and nailed them . In a few days the snow was gone and the warm weather returned . Birds flew overhead without stopping on Silver Lake . They didn 't like to be near a town full of people , and neither did Laura . She wanted to be out on the prairie with the grasses , the wolves and Pa 's fiddle . She asked about moving to the homestead and Pa promised that they would move as soon as he sold this building . Carrie loved living in town . She would sit by the window and watch the things going on outside it . Sometimes Ma would let her go to visit the little girls across the street but mostly the little girls would come to visit Carrie . Ma would rather keep Carrie at home . One day Ma thought that it would be good practice for Laura to teach school if she taught the little girls . So , when they arrived she sat them down and gave them lessons to learn . At the end of the day Ma invited them to return each day for Laura to teach them more . Every day they came but it became harder for Laura to teach because they fidgeted so much . One day they didn 't come . A crowd had gathered across the street . Ma was anxious until she saw Pa coming towards the house . He came in and told them to prepare to move to the homestead . The crowd had just learned of a murder outside of town . One of the local men had moved out to his homestead and was murdered by claim jumpers . Pa headed out the door again on his way to get a load of lumber and someone to help him build a claim shanty so they could move to it tomorrow . No one would be able to jump their claim . According to the United Nations Educational , Scientific and Cutural Organization ( UNESCO ) , one in five adults is illiterate . Two - thirds of them are women and 72 million are children out of school . Since its foundation in 1946 , UNESCO has dedicated itself to keeping literacy high on national , regional and international agendas . UNESCO celebrates the power of women 's literacy on September 8 , 2010 with International Literacy Day . This year they will , " celebrate women 's empowerment through literacy and pay tribute to the women and men who work behind the scenes who help others acquire literacy skills and enter a world of opportunities . " For more information about International Literacy Day 2010 , please visit UNESCO 's website . Laura was eager to show Pa the sack of almost empty beans hidden in thepantry . It was now full of money . " Caroline , what have you girls been up to ? " Pa said looking into their smiling faces . The sack held fifteen dollars and twenty fve cents . While Laura and Ma started supper they filled Pa in on what had happened while he was away . But before they were done talking , a wagonload of seven strangers pulled up to the door . Now that Pa was home the strangers could sleep on the floor near the stove . That next morning there was hardly time to talk because there were so many men for breakfast . Laura could hardly keep up with the dishes . By the time she finished , she had tobegin peeling potatoes for dinner . She didn 't care , she was helping Ma and Pa get rich . One morning she saw Pa driving a load of lumber towards the townsite . Ma had told her Pa was putting up a building for them on the townsite . Lots in town were going fast and Pa thought he could make money by putting up a store building . They still had six months before they must build on their homestead . That week the house was filled with steady boarders , men who were building houses on their townsite or on their homestead claim . You could see Main Street growing up from the muddy ground . Within two weeks on the brown prairie a town had sprung up . New unpainted buildings pushed up thin false fronts , some even two stories high . The supplies in the Surveyor 's house was starting to run out and Ma had to buy supplies in town . They weren 't making as much money now , only a few cents profit from every meal sold . One day at the lunch table Laura overheard a man say he was putting up a hotel . His wife was due on the next lumber haul and he expected to be doing business within the week . As suddenly as the hurry had begun it ended . One evening it was just Pa , Ma and the girls at the table . It was quiet , peaceful and cool . " Laura and I counted up , " Ma said . " We made over forty dollars . " Laura was hoping they could save it towards sending Mary to college . Pa said he expected the survPosted by Mr . Hinz and the two Mr . Hartbornes boarded at the surveyors house , sleeping on the floor in front of the stove . During the afternoons their hammers could be heard pounding on the framework of their new buildings . Pa seemed to have been gone a long time . Ma would not let any more strangers sleep in the house . It was warmer outside and the rest had to sleep in their wagons . Ma still charged twenty five cents for supper and still lots of men came to eat . Late in the afternoon on the fourth day Pa came home with the news that he had gotten the claim . He told the girls all about his adventure . He said when he got to the land office he couldn 't get anywhere near the door because there were that many people . He had to stand in line and wait his turn . Pa said he had to wait for the second day before it would be his turn . When the land office closed on that first day Pa had gone to get some supper at the hotel . It was there that he overheard one man talking about the very piece of land that he had picked out last winter . Soon after Pa finished his supper he made fast tracks back to the land office and settled down on the doorstep to spend the night . He wouldn 't be the only one . About forty others soon joined him and next to him was the two fellows he heard talking . By sun up there must have been a couple of hundred men pushing and shoving against him in that line . Just as the door opened one of the men held Pa back and told the other to get in . As Pa started to fight back another man jumped in to help . It was Mr . Edwards . Pa said he would have never gotten the claim had it not been for him . Edwards just started that fight and as soon as Charles ducked inside the land office he snuck out . It was some time before the crowd quieted down . Pa tried everything to persuade Mr . Edwards to return back to DeSmet with him , but to no avail . But he did send along his greetings . " Well girls , I 've bet Uncle Sam fourteen dollars against a hundred and sixty acres of land , that we can make out to live on the claim for five years . Going toPosted by After the hustle and bustle of last night the house was quiet once again . Ma packed a lunch for Pa to eat on the way to Brookins in the morning . Noise outside the window pane alerted them more men had arrived . Five of them to be exact and they were on their way to Huron . Pa knew they had to put them up for the night or they would freeze to death traveling through the night . Ma made them supper and then sent the girls up to bed early with instructions to lock their latched door and not to come down until they were called in the morning . That next morning they girls laid in bed . Downstairs they heard the strangers talking and the breakfast dishes clatering . At last they finally left , but now it was too late for Pa to set out for Brookins . He would have to go in the morning because he wanted a full day 's sun . That night there were more strangers and the next night even more . They felt stuck because they couldn 't refuse them shelter . So Ma came up with the idea to charge them twenty five cents a meal and twenty five cents for shelter overnight for man or horse . Every day strangers from Iowa , Ohio , Illinois , Michigan , Wisconsin , Minnesota and even New York gathered around the supper table . When the last wagon load of men finally left , Ma called the girls downstairs . She told them Pa had left for Brookins before sun - up . Mr . and Mrs . Boast would help keep an eye on things and they would be staying in the house . Ma would sleep upstairs with the girls . That evening they had another wagonload of visiters . The men hadn 't finished eating when another wagon brought more men into the house . Again while feeding them a third wagon showed up . Now there were fifteen men . Where on earth would they all sleep ? The floor would be crowded . Finally at last they were all fed and the dishes all cleaned . Ma carrying Grace followed the girls upstairs and fastened the hatch door behind them , being sure to lock it into place . During the night a ruckus downstairs shook the entire house . " It 's all right Laura , Mr . Boast is down there , " said Ma . Posted by One Sunday evening Pa 's fiddle was singing . Outside the door a strong voice sang along . Standing on the other side of the door were two men covered in snow , one of which was Reverend Alden . Everyone was pleasantly surprised , for the last time they saw him was on the banks of Plum Creek . " And here are my country girls all grown into women ! " Reverend Alden 's voice bellowed . Laura was choked up with joy at seeing the Reverend . " We are glad to see you again sir . " Mary 's face shone with brightness . It was then the Reverend noticed the blankness in her eyes . He looked at Ma and then to Mary again . Ma quickly introduced him to Mr . and Mrs . Boast . The Reverend then introduced his young traveling companion as Reverend Scott Stewart . As the two men stood by the stove thawing , the ladies prepared a fine meal . Pa returned from the stable with two more homesteaders , both of whom were on their way back to settle on the Jim River . Reverend Alden said there 's a settlement on the Jim , a town called Huron . The Home Missionary Society sent him out to look it over and make it ready to start a church there . After the men had eaten supper Reverend Alden came into the pantry where Ma and Laura were washing dishes . He thanked Ma and told her how sorry he was for Mary 's affliction . Ma said it was God 's will and she was thankful that all her children were spared the worse from scarlet fever . He then told Ma about colleges for the blind and a very good one was located right in Iowa . Ma was interested , so Reverend Alden promised to make inquiries . " We can 't afford it , but perhaps later if it doesn 't cost too much we might somehow manage . I always wanted Mary to have an education . " " We must trust in the Lord to do all things for our best good , " he said , and with that they held a short prayer meeting before saying goodnight . Laura knew then and there that she would be glad to work hard and go without anything for herself , so that Mary could go to college . The Boasts soon went home and once again Carrie 's bed was placed down near the stove for Posted by Day after day the Christmas feeling lasted . Each day after her chores were done Mrs . Boast would come and spend time with the girls . Thus far they were having a warm winter season and Mrs . Boast invited them all to her house for New Year 's dinner . Laura showed up early to help Mrs . Boast rearrange the furniture to make room for everyone in the small shanty . The table sat in the center of the house , one corner almost touching the stove . Mrs . Boast sat there and served the food from its hot top . First there was oyster soup and with this soup she served oyster crackers . The girls had never seen nor tasted anything so good . Next came hot buscuits with honey and dried raspberry sauce . Followed up by a dishpan full of tender salty popcorn . All of which was served on Mrs . Boast 's pretty dishes on top of her brand new tablecloth . " It 's a good beginning for 1880 , " Pa declared . " If this is a sample of Dakota winter , we 're all lucky we came west . " Mr . Boast agreed and mentioned he was thankful he had his claim already filed . He only wished the same for Charles . During the upcoming week Pa too would have his claim filed . He figured he 'd set out in the morning for the land office in Brookins . That night a wind full of snow was blowing and Ma worried about Charles leaving . Mrs . Boast would come over almost daily during those winter days and played in the snow with the girls . Late one afternoon she took Laura to her house and gave her a tall stack of newspapers that she 'd brought with her from Iowa . When Laura read them all , she could return them and take more back with her . Mary was excited when Laura plopped them into her lap . They couldn 't wait for the supper work to be done so Laura could read . Seems neither could Ma . " Never mind the work Laura , read us a story . " While Laura read , Ma and Carrie got supper ready . She read stories of a dwarf and caves and where a beautiful lady became lost in the cave . At the most exciting part Laura read the words " To be continued " . They scrambled to find the paper with the end to their story . IPosted by Laura quickly dressed and hurried downstairs to help Ma with breakfast , but Mrs . Boast was already there helping her . " Merry Christmas , " they both said as Laura glanced at the Christmas table . Each table setting was placed as usual , but on the bottoms of the plates were packages of all different sizes . " You see Laura , we didn 't hang our stockings last night , " Ma said , " so we will take our presents off the table at breakfast . " Laura went back upstairs and told Mary and Carrie about the Christmas table . " We can 't have presents , " Mary worried . " There isn 't anything for Mr . and Mrs Boast ! " " Ma will fix it , " Laura answered . She then took Ma 's present , hidden in Mary 's box and held it behind her back as they headed downstairs . She quickly placed it on Ma 's plate and noticed there was a little package on Mr . Boast 's plate and another on Mrs . Boast 's plate . It wasn 't long before the men came back into the house from doing the morning chores . They were all so happy in the warmth , full of good smells from the cooking and in the presence of good company . Mrs . Boast got to open her present first since she was company . In her package Laura recognized Ma 's best Sunday handkerchief . Mrs . Boast was delighted . So was Mr . Boast ; his present was the wrist - lets that Ma had knitted for Pa . Pa loved his socks and he admired the necktie Laura had made for him . Ma then unwrapped her apron and complimented the girls on their sewing and stitches . She was even more surprised when she found a new Sunday best handkerchief tucked away in it 's pocket . They then all admired Mary 's bed shoes and Carrie loved her red , white , and blue mittens . Then Laura opened her package . Inside was an apron made out of the same calico as Ma 's . Each didn 't know the other was making an apron for the other and although Mary and Carrie helped make both of them they kept it their little secret . Then came the best part of all , Ma put the blue coat on Grace and pulled the swan 's down hood over Grace 's golden hair . She looked beautiful , but Ma took it off her right away asPosted by It snowed all day . " Well it 's going to be a white Christmas , " Pa smiled . The surveyors house was full of secrets . Mary knitted socks for Pa 's Christmas present and Laura made him a neck tie . Together in the attic she and Carrie made an apron for Ma and Mary stitched a fine piece of muslin to make a handkerchief to tuck in its pocket . From an old blanket Ma cut bed shoes for Mary ; Laura made one and Carrie made the other . And every morning while Carrie made her bed in the attic , Laura and Mary knitted as fast as they could a pair of gloves for her . Grace 's present was the most beautiful and they all worked on it together . From a swan 's skin Ma cut a little hood . She then sewed every stitch on the hood herself because of the delicate hide . Laura and Carrie pieced out the lining and Ma sewed it in its place . Then out of one of Ma 's old woolen cloth dresses she cut a little coat . Laura and Carrie sewed the seams and Mary sewed it 's hem . Ma then added soft swan 's down to the bottom and to the cuff of each arm . The coat was as blue as Grace 's eyes . They were anxiously waiting for tomorrow morning to come . Pa had gone hunting earlier and brought home a big jack rabbit . It was now skinned and cleaned and hanging frozen in the lean - to . It would be roasted tomorrow for Christmas dinner . That evening snuggled in the warm house they settled in for a bowl of hot cornmeal mush . At supper they talked about other Christmases . Tucked away upstairs was Charlotte from the Christmas in the Big Woods . The tin cups from Indian Territory were now gone , but the thought of them made them think of Mr . Edwards and they wondered where he had ended up . " Wherever he is let 's hope he 's as lucky as we are , " Pa said . They then talked about the Christmas when Pa got lost in the blizzard for three days and nights . Only to find out he was no more then a hundred yards from the house . Mary 's favorite Christmas was the Sunday school Christmas tree . They all decided this would be the best Christmas yet because Carrie was older and they now had Grace . When Posted by Melissa Gilbert shares her life in a courageous , edgy memoir . In Prairie Tale , Gilbert tells the story of her complicated life that was very different from the life of the character who made her famous as a child star , Laura Ingalls . Talking about the loving and often tense relationship with her mother , the death of her father , her time hanging with the Brat Pack , her television career , Michael Landon , and more , Gilbert opens her heart to draw the reader into her life story . Gilbert shares how she met her biological family , dealt with feelings of being unloved because she was given up for adoption , how she buried the pain with alcohol , and eventually overcame her addiction . Inviting readers into her roles as wife , mother , and actor , Gilbert shares her story with eloquence . Perhaps this is why the many vulgarities caught me off guard . Not because I expect her to be as wholesome as her characters , but because unlike Alison Arngrim 's memoir , where the style allowed for the inclusion of some vulgarities without interrupting the flow of the prose , the cruder words in Prairie Tale , seem to be dropped into the middle of an elegant story and leave you wondering if they are placed there for effect . This took away from my overall enjoyment of the book , but I still thought Gilbert did an excellent job with how she brought the reader along her journey . Little House on the Prairie fans and fans of Melissa Gilbert will enjoy this one , even if the language is a bit shocking . Title : Prairie TaleAuthor : Melissa GilbertPublisher : Simon Spotlight EntertainmentISBN - 10 : 1416599142 ISBN - 13 : 978 - 1416599142 SRP : $ 26 . 00 I just posted a new survey for the month of July in the sidebar . This one asks if you 've read Alison Arngrim 's book , Confessions of a Prairie Bitch and what you thought of it . Feel free to expand your thoughts here . Thanks for taking the time to vote ! After breakfast Pa took his gun and set out to look for those wolves . It was past noon before he returned and he was late for dinner . Ma kept his food warm in the oven . Stomping the snow from his boots he hung his gun back up over the door and then washed his face and hands . He apologized for being late and mentioned he had traveled further then he intended . Pa figured he traveled better then ten miles tracking those wolves . He went across the lake and found the tracks that the girls had made last night . On the high ground Pa discovered a wolves ' den . " Girls there were two big buffalo wolves at that den last night , " Pa told them . He also mentioned it was an old den and they 'd likely been living there for some years , but they hadn 't been there this past winter . " They only took shelter there last night and from the time they left it this morning they never stopped . I followed them far enough to be sure I couldn 't get a shot at them . They left for good , " he assured them all . Laura was glad they got away . " That isn 't all Caroline , " Pa announced . " I 've got some news . I 've found our homestead " . " Oh where Pa ? " Laura , Mary and Carrie asked . " It lies south of where the lake joins Big Slough . There 's a rise in the prairie that will make a nice place to build . On the quarter section there 's upland , hay and plow land lying to the south and good grazing on all of it . It 's near a townsite too , so the girls can go to school " . Ma was glad . " It 's a funny thing , I 'd been looking around the country for months and had it not been for chasing those wolves I likely wouldn 't have come across it at all . I 'll get out to Brookings and file on that claim next spring , " Pa promised . Synopsis provided by Lorrie If you are looking for a book that is funny , irreverent , and courageous , look no further than Confessions of a Prairie Bitch by Alison Arngrim . In a style you come to expect from the woman who portrayed Nellie Oleson for many seasons on Little House on the Prairie , Arngrim shares her story from her childhood , the years she suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a relative , her years on Little House , and beyond . This is a woman who isn 't shy about opening up , and you 'll love her for it . I found this great video clip a while back , which you 'll find below . Watch this , and you 'll pretty much know what to expect for Arngrim 's writing style . Confessions of a Prairie Bitch was a very enlightening read . I must live under a rock because I didn 't know Arngrim came from a family of entertainers , nor did I know the identity of the person who abused her for years ; both of which seem like fairly common knowledge . Argrim provided a great deal of behind the scenes stuff and spoke of many of her co - stars . I wish she had been a bit kinder to Melissa Sue Anderson , but overall , I didn 't feel she exposed any horrible or damaging secrets . She spoke lovingly of her time on the set , and shared how portraying Nellie helped her deal with the problems at home . She also spent some time talking about the late Steve Tracy , who played her husband , Percival Dalton . As a fan of the show , I have always felt that Arngrim and Tracy had such wonderful on - screen chemistry . It is such a shame he passed away so young . Argrim speaks of that loss , Michael Landon 's passing , her role as an AIDS activist , and her involvement in PROTECT . org . I read Confessions of a Prairie Bitch in under a day . The minute it arrived , I opened it up , and I pretty much didn 't stop reading until the kids cried of starvation . So , I tossed them a loaf of bread and some water and kept on reading . Just kidding . I didn 't want to stop reading . I couldn 't stop reading . As soon as I was done I was ready to read it again . Alison Arngrim is a natural storyteller . I can see why her comedy actPosted by I received an email from Amazon yesterday stating that my copy of Confessions of a Prairie Bitch : How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learned to Love Being Hated shipped . I am so excited . Out of the three Little House on the Prairie cast autobiographies - - Melissa Gilbert , Melissa ( Sue ) Anderson , and Alison Arngrim - - Alison 's is the one I wanted to read the most . She 's been promoting the book for a while . There is word that she was on the Today show this morning . I haven 't had time to check . If you 're on Facebook or Twitter , you 'll find Alison there too . I 'll share my thoughts on this book after I read it . Very interesting survey results this month . We were talking about Melissa ( Sue ) Anderson 's new book , The Way I See It : A Look Back at My Life on Little House . I asked if you had read this autobiography . Surprisingly , most of those who voted didn 't even know she had written a book . The two Melissas and Alison Arngrim writing books has been such the topic of conversation in our LHOP circles that I figured everyone must have heard about it by now . Silly me ! Most of the people who read the book said they loved it , but some didn 't care for it . Others don 't have plans to buy it . A couple of readers had the book on order when they voted . This is certainly the year for Little House fans . The shipping date for Alison 's book is listed on my order as June 21st , but I am hoping it will ship early . Out of the three , this is the one I wanted to read most . Just in case you didn 't know , Dean Butler has completed his Laura Ingalls Wilder documentary through the Legacy Documentaries brand of his production company , Peak Moore Enterprises , Inc . Some of my online chums met up with Dean this past weekend in Sioux Falls , SD , where he showed this documentary . They gave it two thumbs up ! We 'll keep you posted when we hear anything new on this . My friends also got a chance to see Little House on the Prairie : The Musical while in Sioux Falls . To say I am extremely jealous would be an understatement . I appreciate you taking the time to pop in here . I love talking about my favorite show and America 's favorite pioneer . One evening Laura grew restless . She did not want to dance to Pa 's fiddle but she felt she must move quickly . " Carrie , let 's go out and glide on the ice , " Laura said . With Ma and Pa 's permission they were allowed to go out into the dark , but only for a while per Ma 's request . They each dressed warmly and out they raced down the snowy path to the lake . " We mustn 't go near the watering hole , " Laura warned . The air was still and Carrie grew afraid . " Let 's slide , come on run . " Laura encouraged her sister . With hands clasped together they ran a little way , then with the right foot they slid on the smooth ice following the moon path . If one slipped the other was there to hold her up . They soon found themselves at the far shore . Against the moonlight stood a great wolf . " Let 's go back , " Laura said quickly . They ran and slid and ran again as fast as they could , Carrie keeping up . There was no sound of running behind them when they at last reached the path by the water hole . Neither looked behind them or stopped running until they reached the back door of the lean - to . Bursting inside they slammed it shut , causing Pa to spring to his feet . " What is it ? " he asked . " It was a wolf , Pa . " Laura gulped . Pa wanted to know where the wolf was . He was upset with himself . " It was careless of me . I thought those wolves would be long gone by now . I will hunt them tomorrow " Mary sat still , her face white . " Suppose he had caught you ? " she whispered . But nothing had happened to them . Pa , " Laura said in a low voice , " I hope you don 't find the wolf . " " Why ever not ? " Ma wondered . " Because he didn 't chase us Pa and he could have caught us . " As the girls were getting ready for bed , a long , wild wolf howl rose and faded away on the stillness . Another answered it and then there was silence again . Synopsis provided by Lorrie Silver Lake was frozen now and the winter winds kept the ice clean of drifting snow . In the snug house , Laura and Carrie helped Ma with the housework while Grace played . She was toddling around now and when she tired she would climb into Mary 's lap and fall asleep . Ma then placed her in her trundle bed and the others settled in for an afternoon of knitting , sewing and crocheting . Pa did the chores and set his trap lines . In the lean - to he skinned foxes , coyotes and muskrats . Mary did not go out in the cold at all , she loved sewing and stayed in the warm house . At twilight Mary didn 't put away her sewing . She told Laura , " I can sew when you can 't see to , because I see with my fingers . " Laura admitted Mary did sew beautifully and she would never enjoy sewing as much as Mary did . Laura often grew restless being cooped up in the house and no matter how cold it was outside she had to go out . She and Carrie dressed heavy in the outerwear and loved to go sliding on Silver Lake . They held hands and slid across the smooth ice , first on one foot then the other . It always felt good afterward to come into the house for a good hot supper . Pa surprised them one day by whittling a checkerboard and taught them each how to play . Ma nor Carrie cared to play much , so after one game with Laura he would put the board away . " Checkers is a selfish game , " Pa would say , " for only two can play it . Bring me my fiddle , Flutterbudget " . Synopsis provided by Lorrie The next morning a wagon approached the front door . The driver alerted Pa of an old man whom stayed behind because he was sick and all alone . Pa drove away with the stranger and it was quite some time before he came walking home . Pa said the teamster was the last man out . Looking for a place to stay for the night he came upon the lighted claim shanty and found the old man by himself . The old man had consumption and came to the prairie for a climate cure . He wasn 't in any shape to stay alone in a shanty all winter fifteen miles from the nearest neighbor . The place for him was with his own folks , so Pa and the stranger loaded the old guy up in the wagon to head back to the nearest town . Laura asked Pa if he had seen any wolf tracks . He told her he had seen plenty and there were quite a few around the stable . " They won 't stay where they can 't kill anything to eat , " Pa assured her . After breakfast Laura went out and had a look at those tracks for herself . She had never seen ones so huge . That morning she helped Pa reinforce the stable , making its walls more solid . She handed Pa the nails as he pounded each board nice and tight . The winds blew strong and snow began to fall . At supper , in the warm house , Pa stated he didn 't believe that the winters here were going to be so bad . After they ate and the dishes were done , Pa brought out the fiddle box . He played everybody 's favorites and everyone sang and danced . The faster he played the faster they danced until he finally slowed it down with a waltz . It was long past the girls ' bedtime when he placed the fiddle back in its box . The girls hurried up the stairs and undressed near the stovepipe that came up from the room below . Shivering , they quickly changed into their underflannels and gowns and then cuddled together under the blankets until the blankets finally lost their chill . That night they didn 't hear even one wolf howl . Synopsis provided by Lorrie There was no need to pack anything because the surveyors ' house stood about a half mile from the shanty . Laura could hardly wait to see it and Pa allowed her to run ahead of the loaded wagon . On the stillness of the empty prairie Laura could hear everything . She followed a smooth path warn down by the surveyors ' boots . It felt soft on her bare feet . Suddenly the house stood before her . Laura opened the door and peeked inside . The first thing she noticed was the wooden floors . She tiptoed across the lean - to and opened the door on the far side gazing into a very large room . The surveyors had left their stove behind and it was a big one , with six lids and two oven doors . Beyond it were three doors and all of them were shut . Laura once again tiptoed across the room to open the first door . It was a small room with one bedstead . She then opened the middle door which reavealed a staircase . She went up a few steps and in the big attic was a room twice as big as the one downstairs . She squealed with excitement as she raced back down the stairs to see what was behind the third door . There before her eyes was a little store , it 's walls and shelves stocked with pots and pans and boxes and cans . On the floor were barrels stocked with flour , cornmeal and slabs of salted fish and salt pork . There was dried apples , sacks of potatoes and a near full sack of beans . Laura ran out to the wagon very excited . Ma looked at everything and , she too , was pleased . Pa built a fire while the rest arranged the house . Ma put Mary 's rocking chair near the open oven door . She then made up the bedstead in the bedroom and hung her and Pa 's clothes on nails that were aleady in the wall . Laura and Mary carried their clothes and boxes upstairs and made up the two bedsteads that were up there . One was for Carrie and the other was for she and Mary . Laura and Carrie then made up a little bed for Grace in a packing box that Pa had saved . It would slide nicely under Ma 's and Pa 's bed during the day it was just like a trundle bed . That evening supper was a feaPosted by Fall was here and the birds were fewer , winter 's cold was not far away . In the frosty mornings and evenings Laura and Lena wore shawls over their faces . One evening Lena said , " Well I guess we won 't be seeing each other for a long time . " The next morning Lena , Jean and Aaunt Docia were leaving because the grading job at Silver Lake was nearly finished . Aunt Docia drove away with a load of oats . Lena drove a wagonload of goods from the store and Jean still another big load of scrapers and plows . Uncle Hi would follow as soon as he settled with the company . Pa 's orders were to let the contractor take anything he wanted and charge it to him . Charles told Caroline , Hi wasn 't stealing he basically took what the company owed him . Every day men drew their last pay and wagon after wagon they headed back east . One day uncle Henry , Louisa , and Charley started their journey back to Wisconsin to sell their farm . Every building was soon deserted . " We will go east somewhere to spend the winter , " Pa told Ma , but he had to wait until the company man came to check out his bookkeeping . One evening Pa came whistling home from the store . " How 'd you like to stay here all winter Caroline ? " he sang out , " in the surveyors ' house ! " The head surveyor thought he had to stay and stocked up on enough coal and provisions to last the winter . He asked if I 'd take charge and be responsable for the company tools until spring . There is flour , beans , salted meat , potatoes and lots of canned stuff . We can have it all just for staying there . " The whole family was excited over this news . It felt like for a moment that they were rich , not having to worry about provisions for a whole winter . That evening after supper there was a knock at the door . It was Mr . Boast and he needed Pa 's help . He had sold his team to a man named Pete , and it seemed Pete skipped out with the team and only paying Mr . Boast half of what was due . Knowing they would be in for a big fight , Pa and Mr . Boast put a plan in motion . Pa drew up papers to serve on Pete while Mr . Boast foundPosted by In her new memoir , The Way I See It : A Look Back at My Life on Little House , Melissa Anderson , who played Mary Ingalls on the classic family show Little House on the Prairie , shares her memories of several Little House episodes and her career during her time on the iconic show . Taking readers from her initial meeting with beloved creator , actor and producer , Michael Landon , through After - School Specials , Love Boat episodes , The Equalizer , and more , Anderson speaks fondly of the career she temporarily left behind to raise her family . Out of the three books recently written by Little House on the Prairie cast members , this is the one I wanted to read the most . We still hear a lot about Melissa Gilbert and Alison Arngrim , but Anderson walked away from the business and had maintained her privacy for years . Knowing she was finally ready to discuss with fans her Little House years , found me pre - ordering the book from Amazon as soon as it was posted . Despite the fact that I have over 60 books in my TBR pile , the minute this book arrived on my doorstep , I cracked it open and began reading . Perhaps that 's why my disappointment seems so great . I wanted to get to know more about Melissa Anderson , her relationships with the cast and crew of my favorite show , and how she handled being a child star . It ended with me not feeling I learned much more than when I started . The Way I See It is mostly recaps of Little House episodes in which the character of Mary played a significant role . In addition , there are spots where the dialogue from the episodes is quoted . Having been a fan since childhood , I could probably recite most of these episodes back from memory . While Anderson shared some memories of Michael Landon and Karen Grassle , the rest of the cast and crew received minimal nods . She didn 't speak ill of them , but I felt after so long on a show , she would have more to share about those people she grew up around . I wasn 't looking for dirt on who she might not have gotten along with , but it seems like her need for privacy preventePosted by Well , it 's been a while , but I posted a new survey today . This one asks if you 've read Melissa Sue Anderson 's new autobiography , The Way I See It : A Look Back at My Life on Little House . Out of the three recent autobiographies from Little House on the Prairie cast members , Melissa Sue Anderson 's ( now going by Melissa Anderson ) is the book I 've looked forward to the most . I received notifcation from Amazon that my copy shipped , and if the tracking information is correct , I should have it tomorrow . I honestly can 't wait . But now I 'm wondering if I should read Melissa Gilbert 's book first , which is in my TBR pile . Please vote in our survey and feel free to share your thoughts . Thanks ! Dean Butler ( Almanzo Wilder , NBC ) and Peak Moore Enterprises , Inc . are currently hard at work on a new Laura Ingalls Wilder documentary that will be released through Legacy Documentaries . Back in November , Dean posted about his amazing trip to De Smet , SD at his blog . Since then he 's been very quiet about this project . Then on April 10th , he posted a link to the trailer for Little House on the Prairie : The Legacy of Laura Ingalls Wilder . You can view this trailer on YouTube . The plan is for a summer release . Hopefully it will be ready when Dean visits Walnut Grove , MN on July 17th . You can find out more about that here . Alison ( Nellie Oleson ) Arngrim will be in Walnut Grove the following weekend . The weather was growing colder and the skies were full of great birds . In the evening they came endlessly from the sky and settled on Silver Lake . At sunset the whole lake was covered with birds . There were geese , ducks of many kinds , herons , pelicans and cranes . The coming winter was driving them from north to south . One day Pa came home with a swan . He hadn 't realized what it was until after he shot it . Another day he brought home a pelican . Much to their dismay , its long bill was still full of dead fish . The smell penetrated everything , including the pelican 's feathers . They found out all too quickly that pelicans weren 't fit to eat . Every day Laura and Ma plucked feathers from the scalded skins of the ducks and geese that Pa brought home for dinner . The wings and golden weather made Laura want to go somewhere . " Let 's go west , " she said one night after supper . Uncle Henry , Louisa , and Charley had earned enough money to head west . They had to first go back to the Big Woods to sell their farm . In the spring along with Aunt Polly , they were driving west to Montana . " Why can 't we ? " Laura asked . Pa had earned three hundred dollars and now they too had money . " You and I want to fly like the birds , " Pa said to Laura . " But long ago I promised your Ma that you girls should go to school . When this town is built there will be a school here . I 'm going to get a homestead , Laura , and you girls are going to school . " Another thing Pa went on to mention , " You know Ma was a teacher and her mother before her . Ma 's heart is set on one of you girls teaching school and I guess it will have to be you Laura . So you see you must have your schooling . " Laura didn 't say anything , but she didn 't want to teach . Everyone had thought Mary would teach , but now she couldn 't . Laura knew she couldn 't disappoint Ma . She must do as Pa said . She had to be a teacher when she grew up . Synopsis provided by Lorrie Every payday Pa figured out how much each man had earned . He took into consideration the days worked , how much was owed to the store , and then what was owed for room and board . He then subtracted the amounts from each man 's wages and made out a time check . One morning , Laura saw a buggy pull up in front of the store and a man went running inside while two men waited for him in the buggy , keeping a close lookout . Soon the man came out , got back into the buggy and quickly trotted away . Laura ran out of the shanty with Ma hollaring after her . Something had happened she was sure of it . Her heart beat rapidly until she saw Pa come out of the store heading towards her . When he got into the confines of the shanty he took a canvas bag out of his pocket . The bag carried the men 's pay . Caroline wrapped it in a clean cloth and stashed it into an open sack of flour . The man Laura spotted was the paymaster and he was carrying thousands of dollars in cash to pay all the men in the camps around the area . That night hardly anyone slept because that money was in the flour sack . The following day , men gathered at the store to collect their pay . Some didn 't understand the payout method and Pa had to explain the process to them . Though they worked a month , it took two weeks to file the paperwork and receive the money from the paymaster . In two weeks they would receive the previous two weeks ' pay and so on and so on . Some were not happy with that answer . That evening Laura spotted a crowd of men gathering outside the store . Ma scooted the girls inside and closed the door . The men banged on the door of the store yelling for Pa to come out . They demanded their other two weeks of pay . Then they yelled for Pa to open up the store . " Come back tomorrow morning and I will let you have all the goods you want on your account , " Pa said cooly . Ma held Laura back as she tried frantically to run to her Pa 's defense . It was then that Big Jerry showed up . The crowd now gathered around him as he spoke and he convinced them that in the morning they couldPosted by Early every morning as Laura washed dishes she watched the men leaving the boarding house and heading off to the railroad grade . The days passed by . Mondays were for washing and hanging the clothes to dry . Tuesdays she sprinkled them and helped with the ironing , and Wednesdays were for mending . Even Mary was learning to sew and becoming quite good at it . The winds on the prairie were blowing colder now too and more and more birds were starting to fly south . One day , Aunt Docia moved into camp and brought with her two cows , one of which she gave to Pa . It would be Laura and Lena 's responsibility to care for them . Each and every morning and evening the girls led the cows to drink from the lake , moved their picket pins and then milked them . They enjoyed each other 's company and they often sang silly songs . Their chores kept them busy and this was one of the only times that the girls got to see one another . One day after dinner and also after answering lots of Laura 's questions about the workers , Pa said " Laura put on your bonnet and come to the store at two o ' clock and I will take you out and let you see for yourself . " Laura was excited . She wanted Lena to go too , but Ma told Laura she wanted her to behave , to speak nicely in low voices , have gentle manners and always be a lady . Even though in the past they had lived in rough places , Ma was strict on these rules . " Remember that a lady never did anything to attract attention . And Laura I do not want you to take Lena . She is a good girl but she is boisterous and Docia has not curbed her as much as she might . " So Lena didn 't get to go . When Laura met Pa at the store he was all alone . He padlocked the door and they headed towards the open prairie where the men were working . As they neared the railroad grade Pa stopped and they watched from a distance . He explained to Laura all about the plows and scrapers and how the teams of men all worked in unison . Team after team they worked in circles . " It all goes like clockwork , " Pa said . Fred was their boss and he kept everyone moviPosted by Sometimes I have to admit the results of the surveys surprise me . As the owner of Dean 's Divas , is not a shock that several voters - - including me - - said they are interested in Dean Butler 's autobiography . Matt and / or Patrick Labyorteaux being a top pick ( tying with Dean ) is also not a huge surprise . The character of Albert is a fan favorite , which might be increased by how Matt has stepped out of the spotlight as he has gotten older . Some of the other choices , however , were not what I expected . The Greenbush Twins tied with Dean and the Labyorteaux brothers for the most interest . Now , I 'm not saying they aren 't wonderful ladies , it 's just that the character of Carrie was often minimized on the show . She wasn 't even really allowed to grow up , as Laura and Mary had been . The one thing that left me shaking my head , though , was that Karen Grassle didn 't garner any votes . Now , it 's possible she could have been included by the 12 % of voters who said they were interested in several cast autobiographies , but most of the actors still ended up with some votes . While Grassle hasn 't been seen on TV since 1994 - - other than in Little House on the Prairie reruns - - she remained active in theater and co - founded Sante Fe 's Resource Theatre Company . In 2006 , she starred as Miss Daisy in Driving Miss Daisy at the Manitoba Theatre Centre in Winnipeg , Manitoba , Canada . Her easily recognizable face can be seen in commercials for Premier Bathrooms . In addition , she could provide a perspective of being on the show that is very different from the stars who were children during their time on Little House . It was very interesting to see how this survey turned out . Thanks to all who participated in this latest survey . Look for another one coming soon ! One night at supper Pa was extrememly quiet . He told Ma that there was word out to look for horse thieves and Big Jerry was at the center of that discussion . " Seems every time he 's in camp the best horses are stolen . " " I always heard you can 't trust a halfbreed , " Ma said . Ma didn 't like indians not even half - indians . Pa couldn 't believe it was Jerry . He felt the men were just riled because Jerry always beat them in poker every payday and took off with most of their paychecks . Pa also told Ma that Jerry had a kind heart . He told her the story of how Jerry took care of Old Johnny , the water boy when he took sick . Jerry stayed with him through the night , feeding him and keeping him warm . " And Caroline we 're beholden to him ourselves . " Pa pointed out when Jerry rode up on his white horse during their ride out to Silver Lake . Charles had to return to the store . " I 've got to go sell the boys ammunition for their guns . I hope Jerry doesn 't come into town tonight . " Pa knew the men would shoot him . It would be dark before he returned again from the store . " There are at least a dozen men with loaded guns and lying in wait . " It was around bedtime when Pa had to venture back out . " Don 't sit up for me Caroline , " he cheerfully said as disappeared into the darkness . Laura couldn 't sleep , so she sat up with Ma in the dark listening . A sharp cry in the distance scared her . It was the cry of a lost goose separated from its flock . Shortly before sunrise they heard footsteps and Pa appeared in the doorway . Laura jumped and Ma went limp in her chair . He was surprised to find both his girls sitting up waiting for him . " Everything 's all right , " he assured them . " Big Jerry 's all right , he won 't be coming into camp tonight , but I wouldn 't be surprised if he rode in on his white horse in the morning . Let 's get what sleep we can before sunrise . " He then chuckled " There will be a bunch of sleepy men working on the grade today " . As Laura was undressing on her side of the curtain she could hear Pa whisper to Ma , " There 'll never be a horse stolen fPosted by Before the sun rose the next morning Laura was down by the shallow well near Silver Lake . The lake laid like a sheet of silver amongst all the tall wild grasses . The waterfowl beginning to squawk as the sun rose over the eastern edge . Laura pulled the pail up from the well and hurried with it back to the shanty . Their new shanty stood alone on the shore of the lake . It was just south of the cluster of grader shanties . Ma was waiting for Laura when she had returned . " You should have seen the sunrise , " Laura exclaimed as she quickly began helping her Ma with breakfast . She knew she should have rushed along ; they had a busy day ahead of them . That morning they aired out cousin Louisa 's beds and then stuffed Ma 's ticking mattresses with fresh clean hay . Ma purchased yards of calico and made curtains for the windows . She then made a larger curtain and hung it between the beds , creating separate bedrooms for the girls and them . When Pa came to dinner he was very pleased with their efforts . After dinner Laura made it known that she wanted to go for a walk to look at the camp . Observing Ma 's disapproval , Pa warned the girls not to go near where the men were working and told them they had to be back home before the men came in for the night . Pa said there were some rough looking men who used rough language . Everybody but Laura seemed frightened by this ; for once she would have liked to have heard some of that language . On their walk Laura , Mary and Carrie strolled along the shoreline of the silver water toward the wild Big Slough . Thousands of wild ducks , geese , herons , cranes and pelicans were heard all around them feeding and nesting in the tall grasses . Pushing further into the Big Slough their bare feet sank slowly into ooze . The soft cool muck sucked around their ankles and little ponds glimmered amongst the tall grasses . Laura wanted to go further but Mary and Carrie wanted to retreat back to higher prairie ground . " Oh what a wild beautiful prairie , " Mary sighed . It would be late afternoon when they returned back to thePosted by Early the next morning they climbed back into the still loaded wagon . " See you at Silver Lake , " Lena called out to Laura . She and her family would be along soon ; that was as soon as Uncle Hi settled his business . Once again Laura began to see out loud for Mary . She described the road winding down to the Big Sioux River ; there was nothing but big sky and grassy land . The river was dried up and trickled along from pool to pool . It was enough for the horses to drink from though . In Laura 's words to Mary , " the road pushes against the grassy land and then it ends . " For beyond the Big Sioux there were no more fields , no houses and no people . There really wasn 't a road either , only a dim wagon trail . There was also no more railroad grade ; but as Pa called them , there were surveyor stakes for the railroad grade that was not yet started . All morning as Pa drove , they seemed so small against the vast wide open prairie . When the sun finally reached overhead they stopped to feed the horses and themselves . This prairie felt different . It was enormous and very , very still . Pa talked about his new job and of his excitement about being one of the first settlers and having his pick of the land . Soon the sun was lowering in the west and they were about ten miles from Silver Lake . Glancing backward they noticed a rider closing in on them . Pa slapped the horses with the lines to hurry them along . Laura looked back again and spotted a second rider on a white horse . This rider overtook the first one as they approached the Ingalls ' wagon . " Everythings all right now , " Pa said . " That 's big Jerry , he wouldn 't let anbody hurt us . " The riders soon came up beside the wagon and Pa greeted each of them . " Hullo Ingalls , " Big Jerry answered . The other man just snarled as he rode on by . Soon after Jerry galloped off behind him . Pa assured them that Jerry would make sure they made it into camp safely . Wild ducks and geese were honking as they settled down for the night on the lakes ahead . There was Silver Lake and the twin lakes Henry and Thompson . TPosted by The girls awoke to sunshine coming through their canvas tent . " Hurry up , we 're going for the washing , " laughed Lena . They didn 't need to dress since they hadn 't undressed the night before . Breakfast was jolly . Aunt Docia had made pancakes and afterwards there was a huge stack of dishes to be washed , but nothing like Lena was used to . Most days she and her ma would be busy cooking and cleaning , three times a day for forty - six men . This was why they hired out the laundry work . After their chores were done , Laura helped Lena harness the buggy to the black ponies and the girls took off . It was within minutes that Lena had them running . Faster and faster the ponies flew while the girls laughed and sang . They knew they were safe for there was nothing out there but wild grass to run into . After a while Lena slowed the ponies down to let them breathe , but it wouldn 't be long before they wanted to bolt again . Lena promised Laura she could drive them on the way home . They arrived at the claim shanty and the homesteader 's wife came out carrying their basket of clothing . She apologized for her unkempt appearance . Her daughter Lizzie had just gotten married the day before . Lena and Laura couldn 't believe it . Lizzie was only thirteen ; she was their age . Both girls told each other it would be quite some time before either of them got married . They weren 't ready to settle down and they were having way too much playing around . As promised , on the trip home Laura did get to drive the ponies . She too had them running in no time . When they finally stopped to unhitch the horses , it was then they discovered the top layers of clothing from the basket ended up on the buggy floor under the seats . They quickly straighted out the basket and brought it into the shanty . After they ate their dinner and finished the dishes they ran back out to the ponies . Jean and Lena rode them bareback , hanging tightly to their manes for balance . Lena then persuaded Laura to climb aboard Jean 's pony . With Lena 's help Laura mounted the pony before the horse bPosted by Early that next morning they were all in the wagon heading west . Grace sat between Ma and Pa on the spring seat and Carrie and Laura sat with Mary between them on a board laid across the wagon 's box . They traveled without the wagon 's canvas . During their journey Pa told them that Uncle Hi had finished his contract and was moving to a new camp further west and most of the men in camp had already cleared out . In a couple of day 's Pa told Ma , they too would be moving on . He would find a claim for them further west . Laura did not find much to see out loud for Mary because there was nothing to see but empty prairie . The jolt and jiggles of the wagon came up through the hard board on which they sat . The girls didn 't complain but were grateful when Pa finally stopped the wagon to feed the horses and themselves some lunch . The afternoon was longer than the morning and darkness soon overcame them . Everybody was getting tired but the jolts of the wagon didn 't allow for much comfort for sleep . Finally , in the distance Pa spotted the light in one of the shanty windows . Aunt Docia and her children greeted them upon their arrival . With a little nudging from Aunt Docia , cousins Lena and Jean greeted the girls . Laura liked Lena ; they were very close in age . Lena told Laura bout her two black ponies and asked her if she would like to go riding . Tired from her journey Laura was finding it hard to stay awake . Of course she would love to go riding but she would have to get that approved by Ma first . Soon they all sat down to a hot supper and that evening the men slept in the bunkhouse while Laura and Lena slept outdoors in a tent . As soon as Laura laid down on the blanket she was sound asleep . Synopsis provided by Lorrie |
I 've created a Wattpad account , which is an online storytelling platform . I 'm planning on posting short stories , and soon a new novel I 've been working on . I thought I 'd share it here in case anyone is interested of reading , or in case any of you have an account yourself so that I can follow you ! This second chapter introduces another one of the main characters : Mel ( probably my favorite character actually ) . Hope you like it ! As before , feedback is welcomed . The girl 's not clever " , Madame Eshra said as she crumbled a dry scone between her impressively long fingernails , " And she 's not pretty " . Her beady grey eyes darted to the young girl seated next to her . The girl was skinny and miserable looking , her blonde stringy hair covering her face like a veil . She didn 't even appear to know that they were speaking about her . Madame Eshra sighed and delicately pulled the girl 's hair aside as one would a curtain . Her head was tilted downward and in her lap was a thick book with a red binding . She did not look up , but even so , he could tell that she was a bit older than he had thought originally . Fifteen ? Maybe sixteen ? He tried in vain to remember what year she had been born . He glanced at his sister , trying to understand what it was she wanted to show him . She nodded at the book in the girl 's lap . " Reading ? " he asked finally , " The phase you want her to get over , is reading ? " But she frowned , and placed her cane sternly on the floor as if she was about to stand up . " It 's not enough that we are descended from those people " , she hissed , " That we have to live isolated away from everyone in this old house with only a skeleton crew of servants to keep us alive " - Her brother almost laughed at that statement . If forty servants weren 't enough for two people , he didn 't know what number was - " Now my daughter is showing signs of one of them " . She was quite disheveled ; her hand shook as she raised her tea to her lips . He looked her over carefully . It had been at least ten years since he had seen his sister , but the two exchanged letters at least once a month . The years had not been kind to her . The wrinkles beneath her eyes were made more prominent by their deep purple color . Her mouth seemed to be caught in a permanent frown , and despite the pink powder she put on her cheeks , he could tell her skin was pasty . He wondered if she left the house at all . " One of them ? " he asked . He wasn 't entirely sure what she was getting at . He couldn 't see a whole lot else to do in this huge desolate mansion aside from read . He laughed again . " Magic ? You can 't actually think she 's got magic ? Magicians are obsolete . They disappeared even before the creatures themselves did . " He glanced at the girl . He could not deny that she certainly looked unhealthy , far too skinny and pale . " She is just lonely " , he said , " She 's stuck all the way out here with you in this wasteland , and you won 't let any of your maids speak to her . If you would just consider moving to a town . Somewhere where there are people to - " He nodded halfheartedly . He didn 't know how to tell her that his business wasn 't predictable enough to have his entire year planned out . " All right then " , he said , " I suppose it may do her some good , after all " . His sister 's face transformed into a very slight smile , but it was still the first one he had seen since he arrived , so he welcomed it . ' Perhaps she 's a fool ' , he thought to himself , as he remembered a certain boy who 'd lived in his town growing up . The boy was dim , and every time he spoke , his words came out jumbled and peculiar sounding . After a while , the boy stopped speaking altogether . But then , after an hour or so , the girl opened her satchel and pulled out that same book she had been reading before , and he began to think otherwise . It couldn 't have been less than five hundred pages , and the writing seemed quite dense . Not many knew how to read anymore , and even less enjoyed it . ' She 's just odd ' , he thought to himself , ' And how could she not be ? After all , she grew up in that house without another person her age for miles and miles . Interacting with only her strange mother , and all those servants who refuse to speak to her . ' " Kathryn " , he said to her . At first she gave no sign of acknowledgment , but then slowly , she lifted her head and her dark blue eyes reached his . " Should you ever choose to speak , you can just call me Mel . Your mother used to call me that growing up because she couldn 't pronounce Melvin " , he said . She made no movement but he had a feeling that she was listening . " Should you never choose to speak again , then that is perfectly fine . However it will be a year of seeing new places and meeting new people . And I have to say , you 'll only be getting about half the experience should you decide not to speak to a single one of them . " It was two weeks before they passed anything other than a ghost town . " You mother doesn 't do anything halfheartedly , does she ? " Mel said to Kathryn , " She decides to move away from people , and so she moves two hundred miles from a single soul " . Kathryn smiled slightly . This was how communicating with her had become . Not a sound escaped her lips , but when he said something funny or clever , he got some small response . The town they had come to was called , " Murder 's Brook " , even though a brook hadn 't run through it in at least a hundred years . There was a sole inn , and his horses trotted directly to it . He had stayed there a number of times , and they knew the sign of it meant fresh hay and water . " Take them to the stables and see that they are well fed " , he said to a boy who came to meet them . " Come along Katheryn " . Slowly , she stepped down from the caravan . Her eyes were wide , and she took in the boy , then the inn , then the street as people walked along it going about their day . She was still for some time , looking like a deer frozen at the sound of danger . Kathryn seemed even more stunned at the interior of the inn . A few men crowded around dirty tables eating and drinking , while women in aprons hurried about collecting used plates and bowls . Everything seemed to be covered in a thin layer of grease and dirt . ' She 's probably never seen anything like this before in her life ' , he realized as he studied her expression . He couldn 't entirely comprehend whether it was intrigue or disgust . Her eating habits had quickly become one of his main concerns . He offered her food about five times a day , all in large portions . Usually , she would shake her head and turn back to her book . Occasionally , she would pick at a few pieces of dried fruit or nuts . He wouldn 't have been so adamant about it if she wasn 't so skinny ; he didn 't know what was holding her together . He was terrified at the idea of returning to his sister and explaining that her daughter had starved herself to death . The innkeeper returned and led them to a table . She placed two small cakes covered in thick yellow icing in front of them . Kathryn looked at them skeptically , and wrinkled her nose . Mel took a bite of his , as she watched him with a strange curiosity . " Go on " , he insisted . She took one tentative bite of it . The moment it touched her tongue , he could see her eyes light up a little . She chewed it delicately and then took a much larger bite . They spent the rest of the day wandering in and out of the town 's few shops . He bought all kinds of snacks , the best , most flavorful ones he could find . They looked through toy shops , and marveled at painted dolls . He bought her a blue dress that he caught her eyeing in a window , and she smiled brightly when he handed it to her , boxed up with a ribbon . By far her favorite part was the chickens , which seemed to wander the road freely . She tore up bits of bread and fed it to them , not even minding when they pecked her hand . She even gave out a shrill laugh when one climbed atop her shoulder " You see , no one prints books anymore " , he explained , " Not for about a hundred years or so , when the magicians disappeared and the Dark Years passed . Of course , most books were about the magicians . Once magic was marked illegal , there wasn 't too much to write about , was there ? So I thought maybe you could write your own story . You 've read enough books after all ; perhaps you can be the one to bring them back into this world . " She stared at it as if it was an entirely new object than she had been holding one moment before . And then , something truly miraculous happened . She parted her lips and said , " Thank you " . Her voice was strong , and clear as a bell . He almost thought he had imagined it . I 've been considering expanding on it , perhaps basing my second novel on it , or re - writing it into a longer short story . I figured I 'd post it here for feedback / ideas . Hope you like it ! " You don 't have to - " I stopped as Sira moved her massive head along the long gash that ran down my forearm . She purred , which sounded more like a low growl coming from her , as her saliva began to heal the skin . It hurt , but for only a moment . And then new flesh grew over the wound and it was gone . Being in the academy for so many years and particularly being assigned as paige to the stables , I had gotten used to my share of scrapes and bruises . And accidents do happen . Even today , when the hunters brought back a frightened live Minotaur and it slashed my arm open with its cracked horn , I wasn 't too surprised , and I didn 't complain . But I 'm sure if Sira was capable of speech , she would have . " Erm … thank you " , I said . She shook her head , trying to get her fur straight . Then she stood up and lumbered across my room to the large mound of pillows that she had apparently declared as her bed , and flopped over on top of it , her eyes closed , paws outstretched in front of her . From this angle she looked like a gigantic kitten laying down for its afternoon nap , rather than an ancient beast that I had inherited and been bonded with after twenty years of wishing for something else . When I was a child , I remember being terrified of her . When she yawned her huge teeth looked like daggers shooting out of her gums . But then my Grandfather instructed me to touch her face . I stretched out my tiny hands , and she placed her massive nose in them , and stared at me with an expression of calm curiosity . She looks at me the same way , even now . " You know you get tired every time after you do that thing - after you heal me " , I said . The giant tiger didn 't stir . " Maybe you shouldn 't do it " . She opened her eyes and stared at me . And somehow I had an idea of what she meant . We were together now . We were partners , bonded for life . Just as she had protected my grandfather , and I assume his grandfather before him , she would protect me at any cost . It didn 't matter that I hadn 't wanted her , and was a horrible bitch about it . Now it was me and her , and nothing could change that . I remember when I had been called into my master 's office , and he had explained that because of my Grandfather 's death , Sira needed an owner . Without a bond of someone with his direct bloodline , she would die . I couldn 't believe it . After all of this , after all of the preparation , after all of the hard grueling work , I would be stuck with her . Ceremonies were coming up , the Dragon eggs were hatching , and the Griffons were being given away . Even a Pegasus would have been more useful . At least it could fly into battle . And I wanted to fly . More than I had wanted anything in my short impatient life . Ever since I saw my father fly on his harpy for the first time . Ascending until he was nothing more than a tiny dot in the stretching blue sky . Ever since he told me that our family was meant to fly - to be warriors fierce and unyielding , the ones who flew eagerly into battle . But no , I would be given a Healing Tiger ; and the oldest one in existence at that . She was massive , about the size of a mule , and fierce looking ; but she was slow , and thoughtful , and careful . All the things I most certainly am not . My master had winked at me before I left his office , " You may be able to teach that old tiger some new tricks " . I sincerely doubted it . Perhaps if my Grandfather had lived out the remainder of his life in peaceful solitude like he was supposed to in his retirement , he would still be alive . He 'd be holed away in his little secluded log cabin , Sira at his side , sleeping peacefully , watching the days roll by lazily . She would have loved that . Everything would have worked out for the both of us . But no , my Grandfather had to go volunteer in the war . As if people actually did that . And then he got himself crushed by a giant . One step and he was only a splatter of skin , blood and guts on the bottom of a foot of a creature with less than half of his intelligence . And then I imagine Sira sitting there , looking at what remained of him , distraught , and trying in vain to figure out how to go about healing him . She was too loyal for her own good . But then , I liked how she always stayed close to me . She did not stray when we went into the forest , or chase fireflies like the newly hatched dragon babies tended to do ; their people rushing after them aimlessly . Sira never left my side , and her ears were always perked forward , always on the lookout for danger . She would always be looking out for me . I sighed . " Yes . Sure " . As I began combing through her already immaculate fur , she placed the entire weight of her massive head in my lap . It was at least twenty pounds . Then she closed her eyes , breathing slowly . After a long day of work , this was what she always wanted ; and it was the only thing she ever asked for . She never even asked to be fed . I typically remembered ; if only because I ate frequently enough to be reminded of it . And I suppose she could always go out to the pasture and eat a goat if she got hungry enough . It was shockingly simple , and low - maintenance . I recall my master saying , when he first told me of my inheritance , " You may be able to teach that old tiger some new tricks " . And I wondered , as her tail began to whip in the air , if it might be the other way around . I finished the novel up this past Sunday , and thought I 'd post the first chapter for feedback . This is the first time I 'm posting any of it somewhere public , so any sort of feedback would be helpful ( ie poor phrasing , grammatical errors , or if it just sucks as a whole . ) This first chapter introduces you to the world as well as one of the main characters . Hope you like it . It wasn 't just the way it crept up on him like it was getting closer and closer each night , or the chills he would get on the back of his neck , or even the stories , repeated over and over again to children like a daunting nursery rhyme . It began in the days when monsters had first crawled from the depths of the Abyss . When the Goblins and War - Wolves had snuck into houses like shadows and stolen babies from their cradles and sucked their bones dry . It began during the time when humanity learned that magic could no longer protect them from the evil that prowled in the darkest depths of their world . That was how you knew they were coming . That was how you could save yourselves and your young . Except in a town like Sheepsgate , Skyler assumed . Because there was nowhere close enough to their old town to run to . Nowadays , things had changed . As quickly as they had come , the creatures had retreated into their bottomless crack in the earth , or died and crumbled to dust in the desert . Soon after that , the creatures who possessed good magic became scarce too . For a while you would hear that someone saw a pixie in the woods , or a unicorn trotting on the opposite side of a lake . But soon these creatures became myth too , and people carved them into wood and stone and prayed to them along with their Gods . The few human magicians who survived the monsters attacks followed closely after , becoming uncommon and eventually disappearing altogether . Skyler 's grandmother had said to him : " The air was once so thick with magic that you breathed it into your lungs . Our Earth was special , and so were we . But now our blood is dry and normal . Now our world is dying and our fate will follow " . His mother told him that this was absolute nonsense . " You 're lucky to have been born when you were " , she said , " The age of magic was not for us . Human 's never had a knack for it the way those creatures did . Now is the time for man . Now is the time for invention . This is your world now , and it is safe . " And he tried to believe her . He rarely felt safer than when he was on the back of a galloping animal . His family owned a small horse ranch : just less than three acres wide . Out of their ten mares , most were old and tired , and their one stallion hadn 't been able to carry a rider in a number of years . But his fifteen year old pony ran with all the vigor and boundless determination of a colt , and because of this , they made an unspoken agreement to be best friends for as long as they both shared this love . " So he does " , his mother said with a sigh . But that was the worst she would say about him . His father on the other hand , spared no one 's feelings when it came to his youngest son . " There 's something not right in that boy 's head " , he would mutter as he watched him build small castles from dirt and twigs in their front yard . When Skyler was six years old , his father took him hunting and saw that he was not eager to make his first kill the way most boys were . He screamed when his father shot a possum and sobbed when he carved out the meat and cooked it for their dinner . Skyler couldn 't plow fields with the raw strength that his oldest brother could . And he couldn 't build sturdy houses the way his second eldest brother could , either . By the time he was ten , his father never talked about him , and a hard scowl would appear on his face whenever anyone mentioned Skyler 's name in passing . " Your father 's just thick " , his mother once said to him , hugging him close . He was ten years old , and crying because his father had brought his two brothers to the next town over on business , and left him behind . " Thinking and feeling aren 't things he 's good at " , she murmured into his hair , " You are normal . You 're normal , and perfect " . He would later wonder if she was trying to convince herself . But he was not normal . And he doubted there was ever a moment in his life that fooled anyone into thinking he was . Skyler liked staring into the open plane of the desert . He liked the vast nothingness that it was , and what it represented . He liked the idea of possibilities ; of his life unfolding in many different directions , each one leading him somewhere fantastic . He wanted something that he had neither heard about nor seen : a faint whisper in the back of his subconscious , telling him that his life was coming to a very abrupt halt , and he would soon need to change course . He was sixteen when he rode his pony to a watering hole about five miles away from his town . They had stopped for a rest , and she had lain down on a patch of grass . He leaned his back against her for warmth , as the wind picked up and rubbed his hands together , but they only got colder . He thought of the flame that burned in the tiny stove in his house , and suddenly felt a strange energy coming from within them . When he parted them , a tiny flame erupted from his palms and quickly extinguished itself into a puff of smoke . " Fire " . It was a very prominent voice ; deep but feminine . He looked every which way . There was no one , only his pony staring back at him . Somehow her eyes looked more intelligent than they had five minutes ago . He turned around quickly . The words had come from her lips , and she was looking at him again in that strange manner . " How so ? " , He asked . He heard of a strange plant out in the desert that could make you hallucinate things if you ate enough of it . Perhaps he had inhaled a small leaf of it . " We 're smarter for one " , she said , without missing a beat " And we 're not quite so elegant , so we don 't waste time or intellect being vain . But I suppose the reason for this would be : you are clearly a magician . And seeing as you have no one else to talk to , you 've given me the ability to speak . " " Yes they do " , he retorted . " For every spell they can cast , they get a marking . If I had conjured fire out of thin air , that would require a spell . But I 've got no marking to prove it . " It seemed to go off any time he was upset or angry , and this happened frequently . He 'd burn clothes and bed sheets while folding them , when his father walked by and called him lazy or peculiar . Smoke would trail after his footsteps when he saw anyone pointing and whispering at him in town . " I 've barely seen you at all recently " , she said . Her forehead was wrinkled with anxiety , and her dark brown eyes looked larger than normal . " You do remember what tomorrow is ? " Each year , their town had a ceremony to celebrate everyone growing one year older . It would be his mother 's forty - second , his father 's forty - third , his eldest brother , Tobias 's , twentieth , and his other brother , Kearnin 's , eighteenth , and his seventeenth . Traditionally , on a boy 's seventeenth , they would announce to the town what they planned to do for their lifework . Last year had been Kearnin 's seventeenth , and he had announced that he planned to work as a carpenter . His father had never been more proud . " Well … " . He hadn 't thought about it . He hadn 't even realized the ceremony was so near . But she was looking at him so nervously , and with such anticipation , he answered without thinking . " Yes , I have " Skyler wandered to the stables looking dumbfounded and confused . He tried to think of something clever to say . A lifework that he could do , or that at least the town would believe he could do . She crunched loudly on the multiple carrots in her mouth and said , " Should have thought of that before you decided not to make any human friends . Shouldn 't you ? These problems seem trivial to me . " Skyler had scrubbed himself clean , and put on his least shabby articles of clothing , which included a grey pair of slacks that had belonged to his brother , a deep green tunic with his riding boots . He combed his shoulder length black hair and pushed it away from his eyes . He found the world strangely more intrusive without his shaggy bangs to hide behind . But when his mother saw his appearance , she smiled so widely that it almost made the whole thing worth it . Skyler ignored both of them and began helping his mother in the kitchen . About two minutes later , his parent 's bedroom door opened , and his father stepped out . His long white hair was neatly tied back , and his beard was trimmed . He wore his shirt tucked in and dress shoes in place of his usual work boots . By the time they left the house , Skyler was covered in a cold sweat . He could see smoke rising from the bonfire that was built annually in the middle of the town . Soon the sun would dip below the horizon and the town square would glow in a dim orange light . " Son " , he heard his father 's voice behind him . Skyler ignored it , assuming he was addressing Kearnin or Toby . But then , he felt a firm hand on his shoulder , " Son " , his father said again . Skyler looked to his left ; his father was beside him , his small grey eyes fixated on him with a much less menacing look than they usually did . " Well , I must confess , we were all a little bit worried about you . You 're a bit of a strange one . It 's been far past time for you to grow up , I hope you 'll make me proud . " Skyler nodded and gave his father another weak smile . But his stomach was beginning to churn , and his heart was beating loudly . He tried to picture himself living in Sheepsgate fifty years from now . Waking up , doing his lifework diligently , asking his neighbors how their children were doing , living a modest life . Not only was he sure he would never want it ; he didn 't even think he was capable of it . He tried to stay close to his brothers , but they soon hurried off to meet their own friends , and so he was stuck awkwardly wandering around by himself . He chatted with Mr . Abney , the man who owned the town 's only shop , which sold furs , hard candy , and tacky jewelry . He attempted to talk to Molly , a girl whom he had been friends with when he was younger , but she only laughed loudly and whispered something to her friend . And so he decided to drink . He had never tried wine before , and he had to admit , he didn 't much like it . But he found that with each cup he drank , he became more comfortable with the situation , and his nervousness seemed to shrink away . He would stand in a circle with people his own age and laugh when they laughed , even though he didn 't understand the joke . Suddenly everything was funny and lighthearted . He didn 't know why he had been so nervous . But before long the ceremony began , and in a matter of seconds , everyone became quiet and serious . They sat in a large circle around the bonfire , and the Mayor , a short fat man with a sweaty forehead and bad teeth , stood and said a few words about the youth growing into adults , and accepting a responsible , meaningful life . Skyler didn 't listen to very much of it . Everything seemed hazy , and he kept glancing behind him at his mother who would then squeeze his shoulder and smile encouragingly . And then it began . On the opposite side of the circle , a boy whom his father had taught to horseback ride stood and said he planned to take over his family 's beet farm . A girl who he had played hide and seek with once as a child stood and said she was engaged to Peter Craw , her next door neighbor , and would soon bear a son . Ron Barker , his parent 's best friend 's son announced that he planned on being a baker , something he had always been talented at . And they continued like that for some time . Before he knew it , the boy next to him stood and started talking about his love for boiling leather . It was Skyler 's turn next . What was he going to say again ? He 'd had a plan , he 'd had a speech , but somehow all of it seemed hazy now . Suddenly , his mother was tapping him on the shoulder . He looked up to see about five hundred eyes on him . It was his turn , he realized . He stood , and wiped his palms on his slacks , nervously . " Erm I 'm … I 'm … " , he stuttered . He knew people looked at him when he was in town , or whispered as he rode his pony into the desert , but he had never in his life felt this many eyes on him . " I 'm proud to be here " , he mumbled , " I 'm proud to be a part of my family , they are all … diligent … " His palms were sweaty again , even though he had cleaned them a moment ago . The fire seemed to be getting hotter and hotter ; he could almost feel it burning his face . " My whole life , I 've always loved horses , especially riding … " , a girl to his right turned around and whispered to someone behind her , they both giggled . Skyler felt even more heat rush to his face . " I … I wanted to find something to do with my life that is reasonable , but that I also love … " He could have sworn the fire was getting bigger and brighter . " Erm … I - I … " . But he wasn 't imagining it , because suddenly everyone else was looking at the fire too . It was growing larger and larger and began crackling loudly . " Stop ! " he yelled , but it didn 't obey him , it sparked and suddenly , a flame shot at him . Suddenly , the town erupted into screams , and began to scatter . " N - no " , he stuttered . His heart was racing , he had forgotten how to breathe ; the fire raged higher into the sky . " It - it 's okay " , he shouted into the audience of screaming running people , " Please - " He sat up quickly and instantly regretted it . Everything was mayhem . Houses were on fire , women ran carrying children . He saw Harry Bram , a boy a few years older than himself screeching with his right sleeve engulfed in flames . Skyler pushed himself to his feet and immediately felt sick . Everything around him was a blur of black and red . Suddenly , he thought of his mother , and took off at a dead run towards his house . He hadn 't seen her since before he started his speech , why would she have left without him ? He 'd never forgive himself if something had happened to her . He breathed a sigh of relief when he reached his house and saw that it was not up in flames . But he could hear the horses whinnying in fear , and shouting coming from inside . He hesitated for a moment . What would happen if he went inside ? " I knew it " , she said simply . In the midst of chaos and flames , her voice was as level as ever . " I knew there was something about you " . Her voice sounded almost dreamlike . " I knew there was something . But this … " , her eyes welled up , suddenly he felt horrible . " I 'm so sorry . I didn 't mean to do this . It just happened - " , but she held up her hand and he immediately stopped . " What ? No I can 't - " , but she grabbed his head tightly , her fingernails digging into his scalp . It hurt , but it also steadied him . " Your father will kill you " . She said it very clearly , but he still felt as though he heard her wrong . His father was stubborn and blunt , but Skyler had never thought he was truly cruel . " Take your pony " , she said , pulling a small bag from behind her , " Ride to the purple mountains . Do not stop until you reach them " . " That 's not the place for you " , she said , " That 's not a place for magicians . The purple mountains are " . She shoved the bag into his hands , and pulled him to a stand . " No matter what " , she said , " You will always be my son . Go . " His pony ran faster and with more persistence than she ever had before , and after a few hours , Sheepsgate was nothing but a speck in the distance . As the mountains got closer , they only looked more monstrous . He couldn 't understand why his mother had told him to go there . Even if magicians used to come here , what did it matter ? No one had seen one in decades . Perhaps she had only meant for him to hide there , until she could come looking for him . His heart sank quickly when he remembered their conversation and realized that she had never said she would find him . She had only said that he would always be her son . He glanced up at the mountains towering in the distance , thinking that those words did not leave him much reassurance . Although I write very frequently , my stories are a bit more personal to me than my artwork or my outfits ( perhaps because both of those are visual . ) Either way , I 've decided to post more of my stories and fiction work on this blog . After all , I 'll never improve if i never let anyone read my writing . If you follow me for my fashion posts : not to worry , there will still be plenty of those . Her exceedingly calm temperament in the face of chaos had been praised by most of the other ladies at Versailles . " Catharine the poised " , some of them would call her as she stared out the window waiting , wishing for the thunder to sound while other woman sat huddled in their beds . Her disposition had given her trouble as well ; like when she was a young girl and her mother had died after a long sickness that only she had been able to recognize , but her reaction to the entire thing had caused the court to become suspicious enough to question her . To her left , came a raspy breathing that she had stopped trying to ignore years ago . That had been when she still tried to pretend . As a small child would have looked at a hallowed out tree and seen a castle , she had looked at her husband and seen a man . But the façade had ended now , because her eyes were too old to try any longer . And even though she couldn 't name a single occasion in which he had wronged her , she despised him and his loud breathing most of all . The entire room was somewhat bleak . The walls were a dull red stone , and two blue flags , so faded the almost looked grey , and hung opposite each other . Each had a single white centaur , clutching a bow and arrow . The clothing was bleak , including her own , which consisted of a cream colored corset , over a pure white blouse and a deep green skirt . Her favorite color was red , but seeing as it was the color of commoners and harlots , she wouldn 't dream of wearing it in public , especially to the court . But she owned a single red ribbon , and she wore it tied around her waist , underneath her corset to remind herself that sometimes , she could have things she wanted . But these occasions were few and far between , and they seemed to dwindle as she grew older . The last she could remember was a week and a half ago , the first of December , and the first day it snowed that year . Her husband 's stallions - he only ever used stallions when hunting , never mares - had been shut away inside the stables , a short building , the color of rust red , and lacking the grandeur most of their household bared proudly . He had never been one to put much thought into animals , even the ones he was supposedly fonder of than the livestock . That day , no one had been paying attention to her . Her husband was by the fire in the study , a book on his lap though she doubted he actually read any of it . The maids were in the kitchen , and the gardener had been sent to his quarters . Feeling the odd unsettling knowledge that no one 's watch was on her for the first time in possibly months as she settled by the window , needlepoint in hand , she got the sudden urge to do something . She wasn 't sure what , just something , for the reason that when it all came down to fact , she never did anything . And so she walked quietly to her room and put on a dress that she hadn 't worn since before she got married , and pulled over it a brown suede coat that she had bought for her husband long ago that he had never touched . And then on her feet she had laced a pair of riding boots that she had worn all of two times , both of these during which she had been sitting sidesaddle , her horse led by a man and her hands gripped on the main with more strength than she knew she had . As she stepped outside , the snow was falling in light small clumps , and the ground was littered with smooth whiteness enveloping every tree and bush in sight . Quickly , she made her way to the barn , unlatched the lock , and stepped inside , shutting the door swiftly but quietly behind her . Inside was warm from the body heat of their animals . It smelled like hay and manure , though she didn 't mind it as much because of the heat . She reached into her pocket and produced a small green apple that she had taken from the pantry before exiting the house . She had only one , and because of this , she knew she had a verdict to make . One by one , faces with long snouts , big eyes and prominent ears leaned over their wooden doors and sniffed , reaching out as far as they could . She cast her gaze over each one , counting as she went along . Twenty - three . Her husband owned twenty - three horses . She was considering each one when she got to the third one on the left . It was black , but was beginning to grey at the base of its nose and traveling up towards its ears giving it a wise and ancient look that the others seemed to aspire to , but could not quite reach . She thought for a moment that she had just made a friend . Maybe the truest , most untainted friendship she would ever have in her life . She would bring the horse apples and carrots and weeds , and whatever else it sought after and it would love her in a more real way than anything ever had before . " These instillations will directly influence our amount of income , has your King considered this in the least ? " he said . His voice always reminded her of the sound of a rusted hinge creaking open . Something no one wanted to hear , but could not avoid to get to what they needed . " Your King " the representative said , taking a step forward as he spoke , " Has considered you in his decision significantly more than he should have . He asks not for your coin but for a small percentage of your crop . Something you can manage . " " Much of the fief is already promised to men . A percentage of our crop is already owed to our vassals . And on a land such as my own , there are far too many to spare even a bit of wheat . " Catharine internally scoffed at this . She could smell the stench of rotting wheat from one of their storage sheds almost every day of the summer . And she saw the vassals staring enviously at their piles of crops as they grinded their share in their kitchen and went about the rest of their preparation to make the dark , hard bread that they lived almost completely on . Her face had once been beautiful , and although only four years had passed since she had been called this , she somehow couldn 't name a single similarity between herself then and now . No lines had begun to show on her skin because she never smiled and her hair never grayed because she never worried . And somehow it seemed that everything about her had been dulled . Sanded down until there were no more sharp points , only smooth rounded edges . And it was then that she thought about breaking the mirror . She could have picked it up and thrown it across the room so that it shattered into a million expensive little pieces glittering on the floor like diamonds . This was in her power . This was plausible . But this was not what she would do . And somehow without reason , without mercy , guilt , fatigue , endearment , or any other aspect of humanity that she knew must reside somewhere within her , she knew one thing only to be true : her dissatisfaction , her anticlimactic life , her misery could all boil down to the results of the man she married ; and without question , she knew he had to die . One in particular stood out to her . It was a painting of Le Lac Fin , a lake she had gone to with her sisters when she was young . It was small and hidden , an easy place for children to slip away to and make all the noise they possibly could without anyone knowing . There was a large rock protruding from the ground , and arching over the deep part of the water . Her younger sisters had jumped off of it , and into the water , screaming and laughing as the dark blue liquid swallowed their bodies as easily as a cat swallowed a mouse . But Catharine stood over the lake , looking down at the transition from the pale blue of the shores to the deep , almost violet part of the lake that her sisters were so fond of . She had been able to lean forward , and put one foot out while the other stayed stiffly on the rock , but she had never been able to go any further than that . As she walked down the hallway , her feet were bare and the floor was slick , recently cleaned . Since it was nearly midnight the furnace had been shut off , she was shivering . There was something her hand was gripped around , and it wasn 't until she looked down that she recognized the kitchen blade . The same one the cook used to slice up pork . No ridges , just smooth and sharp . So sharp that she could see a bit of redness trickling from her hand , and three single drops staining the white floor . Somehow , she felt no pain from it at all , a strange feeling she contemplated all the way to the bedroom , and for a few moments as she stared down at the pile of blankets and listened to the sound of shallow breathing beneath her . In the darkness , it did not look human . Not a trace of blood , bones , sinew , muscle , or even skin , but just a clump of mystery with a heartbeat . All she could see of his face was a closed eyelid , half covered with hair , and the rest of him looked blue in the small bit of light that the moon cast . It was dark , like a shadow . So dark , that it too reminded her of violet . |
This is the first part of a memoir of my marriage . My wife is Nancy , I am Bill and we have been living happily together for over 20 years , the last 10 + as a Female Led Marriage ( FLM ) . Nancy has instructed me to write these accounts in the hope that other couples may try our life style and improve their relationships through it . My wife and I had been married for about 9 or 10 years . We loved each other very much but the sex had never been incredible . Nancy was a strong , confident woman outside the house but at home she tended to defer to me . In the bedroom she was almost shy and while she enjoyed sex it was very conventional , oral sex and intercourse but if I tried to introduce a blindfold or toys she would become upset with me and not want sex again for at least a week . I knew that if she would ever let loose it would be incredible . I also knew that if I suggested that she take charge of our sex life she would get angry with me . I knew that I had to ease her into taking charge so that night in bed I asked her if I could suck her nipples . I knew this never failed to get her started . Each step of the way I asked permission for everything I did . Afterwards Nancy asked me why I did that and I explained that I loved her and respected her and that I wanted that respect to show . For the next several weeks I asked for permission a lot , for everything from asking if I could do the dishes ( usually her chore ) so she could relax to whether I may be allowed to cum . Then one night I decided to see if she was getting accustomed to this . In bed that night I reached for her breast without asking and got a playful ( ? ) slap on the ass and her words : I didn 't say you could do that ! YES , it was working . I apologized and asked how I could make it up to her . She said I could eat her pussy , something she loved but never would have asked for before . For the next several weeks I kept asking for permission and doted on her more and more . She was getting used to my doting on her and was now expecting things from me like making sure I had her coffee ready when she got up in the morning . If I missed doing anything she had come to expect she would ask me if I was getting lazy or had just stopped caring about her comforts . One morning as she left for work I asked if I could masturbate . She had always said yes to this request but this time she said no and that we would talk about it that night . That night she said she was sorry for denying me but that she always got upset when I masturbated . She felt that I was being selfish and that my sexual energy should be directed towards her . She said that from then on she would decide when , how and how often I would cum . I said Yes Ma ' am , the first time I had addressed her that way . She then said I should get her a drink and make dinner and that she would take care of my needs later . After dinner I cleaned the kitchen while she relaxed with a book . When I was done with this she called me to her and said that I still owed her a proper apology for my earlier selfishness . What this had come to mean was that I was to kneel at the end of our bed and eat her to several orgasms explaining between each one what I had done wrong . I was to go upstairs , strip , kneel and wait there thinking about my misbehavior . About half an hour later she came in after finishing her book and I made my proper apologies . When she was satisfied , three orgasms later , she had me lie on my back on the bed . She said the she had promised to take care of my needs and wouldn 't go back on her word . She then said that since my need was to masturbate that I should do so now . I had never masturbated in front of anyone before and the idea embarrassed me . I said that I would rather go without an orgasm than be embarrassed that way . Her words shocked me ; " Suit yourself but know that your next orgasm will come by masturbating in front of me . I will still get my orgasms from your tongue so I can go as long as you want to . " I gave it some very quick thought and did her bidding right then . After I came she rubbed it all over me and said that I had to go to sleep that way as further punishment for my disrespect . Just six or seven months ago she would have been embarrassed watching me masturbate or even talking about it , now it was a command . I may have bitten off more than I could chew but our sex life was better than ever . I knew then that I was her slave and she my mistress . Nancy 's notes : Bill is right ; I was very sexually inhibited and insecure of myself in that way during the early years of our dating and marriage . I am grateful to him for making the sacrifices he has to improve our lives together . Over the years I have read a lot on the internet and I believe I have added as much to our lives as Bill has . I do know that at the age of fifty two and in a twenty year marriage not many people have twenty or more orgasms a week but I do . Bill doesn 't have that many but since I love a hard cock he can count on four to five a week . I have tried forced abstinence on him but I miss it too much . After she was satisfied that night she wished me a good night 's sleep and rolled over Since I was very worked up at that point I asked ( probably a little too angrily or whiney ) if I could masturbate . She said " No , you don 't deserve relief yet " . After tossing and turning for an hour or so and believing that she was sound asleep I quietly went to the bathroom and took the problem into my own hand . When I came back to bed and settled in smugly thinking that I got away with that one I heard the words " That was a big mistake but I am too angry to deal with it right now " . I thought I was going to sleep well after my orgasm but instead I lay awake worrying about what was to come . The next morning Nancy said that she was still too irate too deal with me and wouldn 't even listen to my apologies . I was told that she would decide how to handle this while I was at work . Great I now had a whole day of worry ahead of me , I had never seen her so mad at me and I had no idea what to expect . When I got home from work that evening Nancy 's sister Chris was there drinking wine with Nancy . We had never been public about our relationship before so I knew that I would have to wait for what I was to receive . I had stopped on the way home and picked up the makings of Nancy 's favorite supper hoping to ease her anger and was ready to get to work in the kitchen . I was told that Chris would be staying for dinner and that after refilling their wine glasses I should go back to the store and get more of whatever I was cooking . I was also told not to have a drink since she had a quick project for me in my woodworking shop and I would be running my table saw . When I asked what the project was I was told that it was something she saw on the internet and it shouldn 't take me long to duplicate . After I cleared the dishes and served desert I was told to go get the page off the printer and go to my workshop , make what I saw ( forget putting on a finish since it would be used tonight ) and present it to her in no more than one hour . As I left the room I heard both ladies giggle , hmmm . What I found on the printer was a picture from a catalogue . It was a wooden paddle about four inches wide by eighteen inches long with a two rows of one inch holes running down the length of it . I was puzzled by this since the only time Nancy had spanked me was lightly with her hand after which she was very remorseful . For at least a week she kept apologizing to me and telling me how much she loved me . Her punishments usually were making me go longer periods without orgasms . I didn 't know if she intended to actually use this on me or not . When I came back from my shop Chris was still there so I hung out in the kitchen hoping that she would leave . Nancy called me in and informed me that Chris had drunk too much wine to drive home and since her husband Bob was overseas on business she would be spending the night with us . I was then told to get undressed and bring her the paddle . This embarrassed me greatly as this part of our life had been kept secret as far as I knew . As embarrassed as I was I was also very excited with visions of a threesome going through my mind . I entered the room with a very hard cock leading the way . Nancy flew into a rage at this . She calmed herself down and took the paddle from me . She had me stand in the center of the room with my arms at my side facing her and her sister as she spoke to me . " This is about punishment not about sex . Last night I told you not to masturbate but you did anyway . I have explained to you before that your orgasms would be at the time of my choosing and you agreed to abide by that . When you chose to disobey me it showed me major disrespect . Now you walk in here sporting an erection in front of my sister , which is very disrespectful to both of us . You may be excited now but by the end of this all your blood will be rushing to your ass and I doubt you 'll be able to get it up if we both work on you . This is about pain and I want it to be on your mind every time you sit down for the next few days , in fact if it looks to me like you are sitting comfortably we will repeat this . I love you very much and hate to inflict this kind of pain on you so I have explained our relationship to Chris and asked her to administer the spanking . I originally was thinking 20 swats but with your behavior tonight I am going to double that and allow Chris to add as many as she thinks appropriate for you wagging a hard on at her . If you fight me on this it will only get worse for you . Now bend over a stool and hang on and don 't forget to count out the strokes or we might need to start over " Sixty strokes later I had tears running down my face and an ass that was so red it could light up the room . I was told I could sit and have a drink now if I wished , I declined to sit . I was told that any sex was out tonight but tomorrow night I would be expected to give a proper apology to both women . The next night after I had cooked , served and cleaned up from dinner I was naked on my knees at the foot of the bed waiting to apologize . I had not tasted a pussy other than Nancy 's since we started dating over twenty years prior . I was anxious for this but worried that Nancy would not handle it well and my life could turn to hell . Nancy came in and said that I was not to look at other naked women nor touch them with my hands so I was blindfolded and my hands were tied behind me . Chris entered the room and laughed at my predicament . She hadn 't had an orgasm since her husband left town over two weeks before and asked if she could go first . Nancy told me that I had better make her proud or I may not be forgiven , - which in her terms meant no orgasm for me . I started with a verbal apology and then leaned forward to begin licking . I was totally surprised when my tongue met Chris 's ass instead of her pussy but did my best to satisfy her . She actually came this way and told my wife that an old boyfriend used to do that and she missed it greatly since Bob refused . It was then Nancy 's turn and she was curious to try this as well . She was unable to cum from this but liked it so much she rubbed her own clit while I kept at it . Orgasms for each of them and I still hadn 't gotten a taste of pussy , damn . The apologies and orgasms continued for hours while I continued to lick front and back . Fortunately Nancy was good with it all and the sisters laughed and joked throughout . Nancy said that I was forgiven and she wanted to ride her cock . I was told to lie on my back so she could ride me . The pain in my ass was still too much for this and both girls laughed like hell . I was told that when Nancy could ride her cock hard I would get my next orgasm . It was a week before I could accomplish this . Nancy 's notes : I love my husband dearly and hate this type of punishment so I only resort to it when Bill is extremely out of line . In the ten years I 've ruled our lives I can count on one hand the times I 've had to resort to this . I did learn from this experience that Bill hates to be humiliated this way and although I keep our life private at home , only my two sisters and my best friend know about us , we like to travel and I take it public then . I will have Bill write about this in the future . I love the thrill of control while I watch Bill 's discomfort . I also learned that I love having my ass licked and it has become a regular part of our lives ! As far as behavior at home all I have to do is put the paddle in a more prominent place or invite either of my sisters over ( yes Jenna has come to punish Bill now as well ) and he falls right back in line . P . S If you 're wondering about Bill keeping his mouth shut about this to Bob it 's not a problem . Miss Chris as Bill now calls her has plenty of pictures on an SD card that he would rather stay there . Also the issue went away shortly after when Chris decided that this could work in her household as well . There are now matching paddles hanging in all three of our kitchens . Posted in true | Tags : femdom , flm , true , wife | No Comments » Amber 's Businss Trip March 5 , 2013 | Author sexstory Amber was a nurse in a small office in a conservative southern city . Although she had been married for more than five years , she was not happy in her marriage . Her two young children kept her busy when she was not working , and she rarely was alone with her husband . Amber was about 5 ' 6 ″ and weighed about 120 pounds . She has green eyes and a blinding smile , her long light blonde hair hung well past her shoulders . Many people thought she looked a little like Kirsten Dunst , although she was much prettier … and much sexier . Amber herself was satisfied with her looks , although she wished her breasts - 34C , were bigger . Amber thought her most attractive assets were her cute bottom and her long , sexy legs . She always dressed to show off those assets , especially when she went to the beach or laid out by the pool . She had an amazingly large collection of bikinis , almost all string bikinis , and usually bought them a little too small . As a result , they clung to her bottom and the ties showed her legs and sexy hips . The tops showed her cleavage to its best advantage . Amber had thought about becoming a model when she was in high school , and had even made a little money modeling . The greatest benefit of this experience was working with make - up artists who showed her how to enhance her good looks . Amber learned how to apply make - up in such a way that her eyes seemed to glow and gave her a magnetic look . Also , she realized that her full lips were very sexy when they were enhanced by deep red lipstick . More than once she was embarrassed hearing photographers tell her that men would have such fantasies when they saw her pictures . Although she exuded an all - American girl charm , her piercing eyes and full red lips would make men dream of her lips wrapped around them . Amber had always found her sex appeal to be helpful . As a new driver , she had escaped a few speeding tickets by smiling at the police officer and letting her skirt ride up a little so he could see her thighs . She realized how much men enjoyed looking at her , and she was happy to let them look . Sometimes it seemed the only man who wasn 't interested in looking at her was her own husband . He had been very attentive when they first met and when they were dating . He was the first man she 'd ever slept with - although it hadn 't been sleeping , or even in bed . She had lost her virginity to him in the front seat of his Mustang ! When they first were married , the sex was wonderful , but it soon lost its charm . After many years , she began to realize it had begun to go wrong when he was going to college after they were married . She had a good job and was able to support them both . He began to resent that , it seemed . His hurtful comments became more common . Even when they made love , he became hurtful - he was very rough , often leaving her in tears and unsatisfied . Traci disagreed . Traci was a friend she had made after meeting her at a work - related conference . They hit it off right away , and kept in touch . Later , they began to find conferences they could both go to and they 'd meet up . They had a lot of fun together . Actually , they were opposites in many ways . Traci was a nice - looking woman who was very outgoing and seemed to have no trouble getting men . Although Amber was much more attractive , she had not been so lucky . She 'd had a few affairs with men she 'd worked with and had let a few men pick her up when she was out of town on business , but nothing very meaningful . Traci seemed to have designs on Amber herself . She often made comments about Ambers looks and about her body . They 'd gone on a few trips together , and Traci always suggested they share a room to save money . It seemed that Traci enjoyed watching Amber . Traci made other suggestions . She enjoyed helping Amber dress and managed to caress Amber breasts when she did it . Since Amber didn 't object , Traci went farther . the closest they came to having sex was when they hugged , kissed a little , and rubbed their bare breasts against each other . Traci did convince Amber to pose in some of her lingerie and let Traci take pictures . Although Amber was more than just a little embarrassed . The pictures were very good though - Amber looked very sexy in her matching bra , panties , and garter belt with stockings . It was Traci who fixed Amber up with Steve , the guy in Miami . They were both there for another conference . It seemed that Traci knew guys everywhere . Amber decided she would have fun on her blind date . She dressed for fun . She wore all black , from her tiny black thong , to a matching low cut black demi bra , black garter belt and black stockings . She topped it off with her little black dress - not too short , she thought , sleeveless , and low cut enough to show off her breasts . She realized she would have to be a little careful so her stocking tops would not be on display while she sat , but then realized that here cleavage might be enough distraction . She smiled at the thought . She was a study in contrasts . Her long pale blonde hair hung part way down her back and looked even lighter against the black dress . Her pale skin also looked lighter against the dress . This in turn made her deep red lipstick look even bolder . Her piercing blue eyes sparkled . Amber knew she looked incredible . This knowledge , as well as the feeling of her dress sliding against her bare bottom , made her feel excited and exciting . Amber found Steve to be very attractive . He was about six feet tall , and appeared to be in good shape . He was a few years older than Amber . She thought he was Spanish , with his dark good looks , but he was Canadian . Then , she thought her first impression was correct since , after he took her to a Cuban restaurant , he spoke fluent Spanish . They sat at an outside table , lit by a single candle . It was quite romantic . Steve ordered a bottle of wine and Amber had a glass very quickly to ease her nervousness . Although she usually did not drink much , she did not object when Steve refilled her glass . In fact , she immediately began to sip from it . They sat close together at the small table , with their knees often touching . As they talked while waiting for dinner , Steve reached down and rested his hand on Ambers knee . When she sat , her skirt had ridden up a bit , so the hem of her skirt was almost to mid - thigh . Steve took advantage of this , and began sliding his hand along her nylon covered leg from her knee to the hem of her dress . Amber had always enjoyed the feel of a man 's appreciative hand caressing her hose covered legs . Almost unconsciously , she opened her legs a little to allow better access . After doing so , she looked up and noticed that a man at a nearby table was intently watching Steve 's hand . With a mischievous smile , Amber opened her legs thinking to herself that the other man might enjoy seeing her stocking tops - black against her tanned legs . Even in the dim conditions , she though he might be able to see the contrast . As Amber watched him , she could see his eyes widen , even in the low light . She made eye contact with him , and he seemed to blush and turned away . She smiled at having caught him , and thought " Gotcha " to herself . While this was happening , Steve felt her legs open and took it as an invitation to continue caressing her legs . He became more adventurous , and found his fingertips at her stocking tops . The discovery that she was wearing stockings excited him . Amber was watching and loved the expression of surprise on his face . His surprise turned to enjoyment as he let his fingers roam along her stocking top - sliding them into her stockings and along the garter strap . As his fingertips touched her bare inner thighs , she felt herself beginning to get wet . As Steve explored her thighs , her skirt slid up to the point where her stocking tops were clearly in view . When the waiter brought dinner , she tried to pull her skirt down , but Steve 's strong had stopped her : " Let him see how beautiful you are , " Steve said . At that , Steve slid her dress up higher so the garter strap was visible . The waiter certainly noticed this happening . For the rest of the evening , the waiter was very attentive . When dinner was over , Steve asked the waiter for a dessert suggestion . The waiter smiled and said he knew just the thing . In a few minutes , he returned with a dish that was to die for . It was a frozen coconut ice cream with a rich brownie - like cake on the side . All covered by a drizzle of what appeared to be dark chocolate . The waiter said the sauce was 125 - year - old balsamic vinegar , or something like that . Amber was hesitant to try it , but as Steve fed her , she loved it . The perfect ending to the meal was dark , strong Cuban coffee and 150 - proof Gran Marnier . By the time she was done , Amber was feeling as relaxed as she had in a long time , but also very excited . Steve walked Amber back to her hotel . She was surprised to learn he had a room in the same hotel , which he proved to her by showing her his key . He asked her to come to his room for a nightcap , and was disappointed when she declined . She then smiled and told him she thought her room was better . It was , Amber had charmed the desk clerk for an upgrade and was booked in a top - floor two - room suite with two large windows on the bedroom and sliders in the sitting room that opened to a small terrace overlooking Ocean Drive and Collins Avenue , with a view of the water . Amber had enjoyed sitting on the terrace , sipping coffee and watching the cruise ships leave at night and the cargo ships arrive in the morning . Steve was thrilled with the idea of visiting Amber in her room . When they got there , he made himself comfortable removing his suit jacket and loosening his tie . Amber had most of a bottle of wine left from before leaving for dinner , so they each had a glass and walked out onto the terrace . Amber was a little nervous when Steve sat on her lounge chair and asked he to come closer . She moved closer and leaned against the rail , looking out over the water . Steve walked up behind her and lifted her long blonde hair to the side , exposing the back of her neck . He leaned closer , and began to lightly kiss her neck . While kissing her , Steve began to move closer and , all of a sudden , Amber felt his hardness rub against her . The wetness she had felt before returned . As they stood on the terrace , Amber felt Steve 's strong hands exploring her body through her dress . As he kissed and licked her bare shoulders , his hands moved down her sides to her waist , then around to the front and up to her breasts . She moaned as she felt his hands squeeze her breasts through her dress and her lacy bra . She moaned even more when he found her hard nipples and began to squeeze and pull on them through her clothes . His hands began to explore again , and moved down her sides to her hips . As he caressed her hips , his hands began to slide her dress higher . As her stocking tops came into view , Amber began to wonder if the people on other terraces could see what was happening . Although the room lights were not on , there was some light coming from other rooms and a soft glow bathed the front of the hotel . Amber knew the contrast between her almost white blonde hair and her black dress would be noticeable , and that as her dress slid higher up her thighs , the contrast between the black dress , stockings , and garter belt against her pale skin also would be noticeable . When Steve 's hands began caressing her thighs and stocking tops and his fingers began tracing her garter straps along her legs , she decided she did not care . As his strong hands began to encircle her thighs and move toward the front of her panties , she knew she would not care if anyone saw her . Her only thoughts were of her own pleasure . Before long , Steve had her skirt above her waist and she heard his gasp when he realized she was wearing a thong . The contrast between her black lingerie and the smooth white skin was striking . She felt his hands caress her bottom and then they moved to her hips again . Suddenly , she felt his hard cock rubbing against her bottom . The rough material of his pants pulled the thong deeper between her cheeks . The sensation was driving her crazy . Amber knew she could not take much more of the sensation . She told him to stop and turned around . When she did , she saw the disappointment in his eyes . She smiled as her hands moved to the front of his slacks . Wondering if he was as big as she thought , she began rubbing her hands along his hard cock . It certainly seemed to her that it was huge . Still wanting to know , she slowly unzipped his slacks and slid her hand inside . She wrapped her fingers around him and pulled him out . Now it was her turn to gasp . He was huge , he looked to be ten inches or more . Never having seen a cock this large , Amber could only guess . She was entranced as she dropped to her knees , and wrapped her bright re , full lips around his cock . Now it was Steve 's turn to be surprise . Here he was , outside on the terrace of a large hotel , at night but not in the dark . This incredibly beautiful woman with long blonde hair covering her black dress was sucking his cock with complete abandon . He knew that anyone looking in their direction could see her pale bottom exposed above the black stockings . Before he lost all control , Steve told Amber to wait , then asked her to stand so they could go inside . Once inside Amber 's room , Steve told her he wanted to look at her first . He stood behind her and lowered the zipper on her dress . As the zipper was lowered , he saw the pale skin of her back , then the back of her little strapless black bra . As the zipper went further , he saw the black garter belt and the thin black waistband of her thong . He could just see the top of the swell of her bottom . Steve moved his hands back to Amber 's shoulders and slide them under her dress . Moving his hands at the same time , he lifted her dress from her shoulders and away from her body . Slowly , seeming almost to be in slow motion , her dress fell to the floor . Steve could only stare . Still standing behind her , Steve 's eyes were drawn to the beautiful sight before him . Amber 's long legs sheathed in sheer black stockings ; the darker hose with the garters attached framing her upper thighs and hips . The thin garter belt and the waistband of her black thong completed the frame . Her soft , smooth , pale , round bottom was surrounded in black . Steve could not take his eyes from her . Steve felt like he was in a trance . Finally , he asked Amber to walk around the room so he could look at her . Amber was happy to oblige . Amber moved fluidly and unselfconsciously . Although there was a light on in the room , Amber did not seem to mind walking in front of the window with its still - open curtains . Steve loved the thought of other men seeing her . As Amber walked , Steve lightly stroked his still hard cock . Finally , Steve could resist no longer . He called Amber over to him and began caressing her body . He told her to lie on the bed and began caressing her nylon - covered legs , starting at her feet and kissing his way upward . Amber moaned when Steve kissed the backs of her knees . She loved his lips touching her bare skin at her stocking tops , and shivered as his tongue traced her garter straps along the backs of her thighs . Steve could not control himself when he reached her bottom . Even as she lay on the bed , the swell of her bottom where it joined her thighs was evident . Steve could not resist and began kissing and licking her bottom . Amber had always known that men , and some women , admired her round bottom . Although she enjoyed showing it in her tight bikinis , and had felt more than a few hands caressing it , she had never felt anyone 's lips on it . Amber closed her eyes and enjoyed the soft touch of Steve 's lips . His light growth of beard was a rough contrast to his soft lips . As Steve kissed her bottom . Amber moved her leg so her nylon - covered calf touched Steve 's hard cock . Amber 's concentration was broken when she felt Steve 's fingers begin to trace the thin string of her thong as it went between the cleavage of her bottom . She drew a breath when she felt him lean over and follow his fingertips with his tongue . No one had ever touched her this intimately before . As Steve touched , and licked , and kissed her , she began to get wetter . She moaned and felt herself lifting her bottom to give Steve better access . Steve wanted Amber to wait ; he did not want her to have release just yet . He reached up to her bra and unhooked it . Then he turned her over and removed the bra . Amber felt a little self - conscious because she always thought her breasts could be bigger . Steve seemed to enjoy them , however , as he kissed them and licked them and sucked on them . He told them he had been waiting all night to see her breasts . She loved when he squeezed her nipples and pulled on them . Steve rubbed his fingertips along the thin material of Amber 's thong , and felt the wetness grow . He increased the pressure until he was able to slide the material between her lips . When he did that , Amber moaned loudly . Steve continued the pressure until Amber 's lips completely surrounded the thong . Amber had always kept herself clean - shaven and then had begun undergoing the torture of regular bikini waxing . Luckily , with her fine blonde hair , the upkeep was not too painful . Amber never doubted that it was worth it , though . She loved the bare look and it allowed her to wear smaller bikini bottoms without worrying about anything showing . Amber felt like she was drifting on a cloud as Steve continued sucking on her breasts while his fingers played with her lips . After a few minutes , he slid his fingers beneath her thong and began to play with her lips directly . He moved his fingers up and down between her lips , rubbing on her clitoris and sliding them inside her . Amber was in heaven . Finally , Amber could not hold back . She shocked herself when she yelled at Steve " Fuck me , please ! " Steve did not have to be asked twice . He undid his belt and dropped his pants . His cock stood straight up as he stood there . He took Amber by her ankles and pulled her close to the edge of the bed . He lifted her legs up and , as he held her ankles with one hand , he pulled her thong to the side . Then , he rested her ankles on his shoulders and took his hard cock and slid it into her . Amber did not think she could take it all , but she was so wet , his cock slid right in . Steve held her legs apart and made sure her ankles rested on his shoulders . His hands slid along her nylon - covered legs , caressing them , as he slid his hard cock slowly and deeply into her . Amber had never felt the way Steve made her feel . She was totally at his mercy . She began to squeeze and pull on her nipples when he told her to . He told her to slide her fingers between her lips and feel his cock , then taste herself . Before long , however , she was lost in the sensations she was feeling . Her long blonde hair was spread out around her head as she grabbed a fistful of the coverlet in each hand . She felt her body begin to react , then the feeling grew until she thought she would explode . As her orgasm overtook her , Amber yelled - something she had never done before . Amber could only repeat to herself : " fuck , fuck , fuck . " Suddenly , she said out loud : " Fuck me ! " Steve had no intentions of stopping . Judging by Amber 's reaction , he thought he was making her feel things she had never felt before . He wanted her to have a fucking she would never forget . When Amber yelled out , Steve slowed his pumping a bit , but then increased his efforts . As he did so , he continued sliding his hands along her nylon - covered legs , but did not stop when he reached her stocking tops . He followed her garter straps along her thighs until he reached the curve of her bottom and began massaging her . Steve had pulled the front of Amber 's thong to the side to enter her . Now , he slid his fingers under the thin strip of material and began to play with Amber 's bottom again . His fingertips moved up and down between her cheeks , as he squeezed and kneaded her bottom . As his fingers moved closer to her bottom , Amber began to squirm and moan . Steve began to lightly touch her and , as he did so , her moans became louder . Amber had never been so excited . When Steve began to touch her bottom , she knew she wanted to feel him inside her . Her desires were about to come true . Steve began to rub Amber 's bottom with his fingertip , then slowly entered her , first with the tip of his finger , and then more . As Amber accepted his finger , he pushed deeper - keeping time with his cock as he pumped into her . Her tightness around his finger and her moans told him she was enjoying the sensation and , when he felt her body stiffen , he knew she had reached orgasm again . Amber had lost track of how many times she came . Her body was bathed in sweat and her long blonde hair was tangled . Her throat was dry from her gasping breath as Steve took control of her body . She had never felt this way . Steve 's cock was buried in Amber and he pushed his finger the final distance . He felt her body tense as another orgasm swept over her . He was not sure he could hold back any longer . Steve had been admiring Amber 's bottom all evening . He decided that he had to have it . He pulled out of her and rolled her over . Reaching down , he took her by her hips and lifted her , at the same time telling her to get on her knees . Amber did as she was told . As Amber kneeled on the bed , with her face in the covers and her bottom in the air , Steve took a moment to admire the scene in front of him . Amber 's long legs , sheathed in black nylons , rose from the bed , with her smooth white skin above the dark stocking tops . The black garter straps ran along the backs of her thighs and framed her soft white bottom . The thong was barely visible . When Amber first felt Steve 's cock touch her bottom , she thought it was his fingertip again . When she realized it was his cock , she felt fear , but also excitement . Steve had made her feel things she had never felt before . As Steve pressed his cock into her , Amber 's fear grew . There was no way she could take him . Steve began to push harder , but moved slowly enough that Amber could accept his size with as little discomfort as possible . Still , she found herself biting on the comforter and pulling it with both hands in an attempt to keep from screaming out as he pushed deeper into her . Steve was overcome with lust as he forced himself deeper into Amber 's bottom . She was such a gloriously beautiful woman whose sex appeal could not be denied . Steve had enjoyed being her escort during their night on the town . He had seen the admiring stares from other men , and had been turned on when he knew the other restaurant patron was able to see her legs and more as he looked up Amber 's skirt . He had loved the feeling of power when he lifted her skirt on the terrace knowing that others could see , and he had been almost overcome when she took his cock in her mouth before they came inside . Even her little fashion show , where she exhibited her lingerie clad body to anyone who happened to see in the window , had increased Steve 's passion . Now , after giving her uncountable orgasms , he finally was going to have her in the most intimate way . Steve heard Amber 's moans and whimpers as he pushed further into her . He saw her fists clenched around the coverlet and , from the sound of her moans , he knew she must be biting it as well . Finally , his full length was inside her . Steve began thrusting back and forth inside , slowly at first but then more quickly as his passion increased . His grip on her hips increased as he began much more forcefully impaling her . Finally , he erupted . Pulling back and upwards on her hips , he drove his cock deep inside her as he felt wave after wave of pleasure pour over him . With a final moan , he exploded inside her - filling her with his thick cum . The mixture of intense pleasure and pain had finally become too much for Amber . She felt Steve 's hard cock fill her bottom and heard his loud moan as he came inside her . She felt him pull his still hard cock from her and lower her to the bed . She could not move as she heard him quickly pick up his clothing and walk toward the door . She realized he had not even removed his pants as he fucked her . Amber fell asleep as she heard Steve quietly close the door behind him . When Amber awoke , she did not know how long she had been asleep , or if she had slept at all . She did know that she had had too much to drink the night before . When she sat up , she realized she would need time to recuperate . At first , she was not sure exactly what had happened . Then , as she realized that she still was wearing only her thong , garter belt and stockings , she began to remember more details . She was sore , but she smiled as she remembered . Amber decided that she had better clean up . Removing the rest of her lingerie , she walked to the shower and turned on the hot water . As she showered , she became more and more excited thinking about her evening . She touched herself more than usual as she washed her breasts and her bottom . When she finished showering , Amber decided to get some sun rather than go to the conference that day . She wrapped herself in a big bath towel and walked out onto the terrace . Smiling at the thought of what she had been doing the night before when she was last on the terrace , Amber moved the lounge chair into the sun , laid back , and opened the towel . As she rolled over to lie on her stomach and felt the hot sun on her bottom , Amber felt herself getting wet again . However , before she had a chance to think about it , she fell asleep . Amber woke up almost an hour later . She realized she was lying outside with her legs spread apart and no clothing on . She blushed as she thought about the show she might be giving anyone who happened to look at her terrace . She was glad her room was on the top floor . Amber selected one of her favorite bikinis to wear . It was not at all skimpy , but she loved the way she looked in it . It was white , but covered with large tropical flowers of blue , red , yellow , and green . It was a string bikini , with two triangles of cloth covering her breasts . The triangles were connected with a thin string across the front , strings that tied in the back , and strings that tied behind her neck . The bottom consisted of two triangles in the front and back with long strings that tied at her hips . It was not very revealing , but she thought it was very sexy on her - it showed and concealed just enough to catch the eye of anyone who saw her . Amber took a beach towel and threw it over her shoulder . Normally , she would wear a cover - up , but she still had a sexy glow from the previous night 's activities , and she wanted to be a little daring . She loved the thought of people 's eyes watching her as she took the elevator to the pool level . When Amber got to the pool , the area was almost empty . She decided she would soak in the hot tub for a while - thinking she needed it after last night 's exertions . She turned the whirlpool on and climbed in . Sitting at the deep end , the water came to just above her breasts . She leaned back against the head rest and closed her eyes , letting the whirlpool action relax her . Almost falling asleep , Amber heard a voice ask if she would like a cold drink . Assuming it was a waiter from the hotel pool bar , she said she 'd like a Long Island Iced Tea with a lot of ice . She did not open her eyes to place her order . A few minuted later , she heard someone splash into the hot tub and then heard a man 's voice say " Here 's your iced tea . " Looking up , she saw a tall blond man in a bathing suit holding two drinks . Amber realized her mistake - this was not a waiter ! Amber laughed and blushed . She apologized and told him she should have looked before she spoke - that she thought she was asked by a waiter . He laughed and handed her one of the drinks saying he hoped it was satisfactory , but it was on the house . He asked if she minded if he sat with her . She said she did not think she could say no after what just happened . He laughed and sat down . Amber told him he was sweet to offer her a drink . He said he had been hoping to meet her since he first saw her . Amber was curious , since she did not recall seeing him before . Steve explained that he had been checking into the hotel late last night when he saw Amber and another man coming into the hotel . He admitted that he felt a strong pang of jealousy , and assumed they were a married couple . He admired her as he checked in and did not give it much more thought for a while . Amber asked why not " for a while . " Steve explained that his room was on an upper floor in one wing of the hotel . After he unpacked , he had taken a beer from the honor bar in his room and had gone out onto his terrace to get some fresh air . As he explained , Amber felt herself go pale . Steve explained that he had not turned the light on in his room and was standing on his terrace looking around when he noticed the couple from the lobby standing outside . He admitted that his voyeuristic tendencies had increased when he saw them begin to kiss . He apologized , but said he just could not keep from watching . As Amber felt more and more nervous , Steve explained how beautiful he thought she was and how it was the most erotic scene he had ever witnessed . As he explained , once the action began , he could not tear himself away . Watching her dress being lifted up her legs and exposing her stocking tops and garter belt almost drove him crazy . When she knelt and took his cock in her mouth , he could not resist taking his own cock out and stroking it . Steve told Amber that he saw her walking around in her lingerie and it was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen . When she was on the bed , he knew he should stop looking but could not . Amber asked how much he saw . It was Steve 's turn to blush when he said he saw everything . When her bottom was being fucked , he lost it . He explained he had never had as explosive an orgasm as that . Amber began to cry when she heard this . Steve said he was sorry , and had planned on never saying anything or approaching her , but when he saw her " friend " leaving in the morning he realized they were not a married couple . When he saw her going to the pool , especially in that bikini , he knew he would never forgive himself if he did not introduce himself to her . By this time , Steve was sitting close to her and , when she began to cry , he put his arm around her to comfort her . As he did so , he moved closer to her so their hips were almost touching . The close contact caused Amber to stop crying , and she said she had better leave . Steve took his arm from around her shoulder and suggested she stay for a while . As he moved his arm , he put his hand next to his leg , between himself and Amber . Unfortunately , when he did so , his hand rested on the end of the string that tied Amber 's bikini bottom together . When she stood up to leave , he accidently untied her bikini on that side . At first , Amber was not aware of what had happened . She learned quickly , however , as her bikini bottom opened and began to fall down as she stood up . Steve was treated to a close up view of what he had seen from a distance the night before . His suspicion was confirmed as well - he noted with pleasure that Amber was shaved or waxed . In either case , she was as bare as a little girl . When Amber realized what had happened , she screamed and sat down quickly . She started crying again . In her hurry to sit down , however , she almost sat on Steve 's lap . When she tried to steady herself , her hand accidently landed in his lap . When this happened , she felt how hard he was . In spite of herself , her hand lingered and she felt herself lightly squeeze him . As she laughed , Amber decided that Steve would not mind if she explored his lap a little more . Now , she intentionally reached over and took hold of his hard cock . Steve , of course did not complain . As Amber sat there silently , Steve told her that before she left , she had better take care of the tie on her bikini bottom . Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth , Amber had left his lap and she moved around a bit with both hands underwater . Steve looked disappointed and said he guessed she was leaving . Amber smiled at Steve and said she probably should not leave now . When Steve merely looked confused , she lifted her hand out of the water and handed her bikini bottom to him . As she did so , she said she had taken his advice and taken care of the tie on her bikini . At that , Amber moved closer to Steve and put her hand back on his cock … which was even harder now . As she did so , Steve moved his hand between her legs and slowly slid it up to touch her . She opened her legs to make it easier for him , and moaned as his finger spread her lips and touched her . Amber threw caution to the wind and moved over and sat on Steve 's lap . She sat with his cock between her legs , but not inside . Just as she moved forward so the length of his cock was against , and then between , her lips , two men in bathing suits and carrying two beers each walked up to the whirlpool and asked if Amber and Steve minded if they join them . Amber said it was no problem , but asked if they would reset the timer on the whirlpool because she would hate for the bubbles to stop before she was done . They laughed and did as she asked . The two men stepped into the whirlpool and sat across from Amber and Steve . With bubbles and the depth of the water , they could not see below the top of Amber 's bikini top . They were in no mood to complain , however , because as the bubbles sloshed the water around , it occasionally was low enough that they could see the curve of her breasts and her cleavage . Unbeknownst to the two men , a lot was going on beneath the water where they could not see . Amber had parted her lips and was sliding gently up and down along the length of Steve 's cock . Steve , she thought , was at least as big as the other Steve , because he extended above her thighs far enough that she could wrap her hand around him . As they sat there in front of the other two men , Amber casually stroked him . Steve was sitting with his eyes closed , leaning against the side of the whirlpool . He was not saying much , mainly trying to keep from losing control . Amber was much more alert , chattering away with a smile on her face as she sat on his lap . Knowing that the other two men probably were listening , Amber tried to tease Steve verbally while not letting on what was happening . Amber asked Steve if he really liked the show last night and when he said of course he did , she asked what part he had liked the best . All the while , Amber was rubbing against his cock and stroking him . Steve could hardly speak , but was finally able to say " the ending . " Amber said maybe they could go again , and get closer this time . She said she 'd like to try this little restaurant she saw . Maybe I can wear my little black dress , since you liked it so much . At this , Steve just smiled . By now , the two other men had had a few beers and were becoming very interested in watching Amber and Steve - mostly watching Amber , actually . Steve was a little worried about putting on a show , and also worried that the rubbing and stroking Amber was doing was going to have an effect on him before too long . He suggested that they had better get back to their rooms and get cleaned up . Steve acted like he was going to stand up and Amber almost screamed . He laughed and sat down quickly . Amber tried to put her bikini bottom on without being noticed . When Steve saw she was having some difficulty , he slid his hands under the water to help . When he did so , he took advantage of the opportunity to get a little revenge on Amber for what she had been doing to him . Steve moved his hand between her legs and spread her lips . He slid his finger between her lips and inside her . All the while , he was talking to her about dinner plans . He slid his finger in and out a few times and then removed it . When he did so , Amber seemed to relax a little . Then , he slid his hand between her legs and slid his index finger inside her bottom . Amber was shocked at first , but as she relaxed she remembered the events of the previous night and began to get excited . She smiled when she thought that only a few days ago no one had touched her like this and now two different men - who she had just met , had done this . Amber never would have thought this would happen , or that she would enjoy it as much as she did . Steve finally removed his finger from Amber 's bottom and tied her bikini bottom . Amber stood up slowly , giving the other two men an opportunity to view her body as she rose from the water . She smiled at them as she walked up the steps from the whirlpool and then , stopping at the pool deck , she slid her fingers under the bikini bottom as if to straighten it , knowing she was giving them a little something to think about . As Amber and Steve walked away from the whirlpool , Steve asked if she really would like to go to dinner . Amber agreed readily . Steve took her hand and turned her to face him . With a very serious look , Steve told her that he was not expecting anything , that the dinner was " no strings attached . " He explained that he planned to enjoy an evening out with the most beautiful woman he had ever met . Hearing this , Amber moved closer to him , stood on her toes , and kissed him . When Amber returned to her room , she decided she would nap for a few hours before dinner . Before she slept , she decided to send her black dress from the night before to be dry cleaned , so she called the concierge and in a few minutes a bellman came and took the dress after promising it would be back in no more than three hours . Amber noticed his appreciative looks at her , still in her string bikini which , because it was still damp from the whirlpool , clung to her body . After the bellman left , Amber to take a shower before she napped . While in the shower , she shaved her long legs and inspected herself to make sure her recent bikini wax still looked good . Based on the attention she had received from the two Steve 's , Amber decided that the cost and discomfort of the bikini wax had been well worth the investment . Finishing her shower and drying herself off , Amber walked naked to her bedroom , set the alarm , and laid down for a nap . The knock on the door woke Amber . It took her a few seconds to remember where she was . A second knock made her realize that she had been sleeping soundly . Still nude from her nap , Amber walked toward the door then , realizing she was nude , she stopped and slipped into the large t - shirt she often wore as a cover - up at the pool . As she walked to the door , Amber 's breasts swayed back and forth in the t - shirt . The rubbing of the fabric against her nipples resulted in her nipples hardening and , by the time she reached the door , her nipples were quite visible through the thin fabric of the t - shirt . Checking to make sure it was the bellman with her dress , Amber opened the door . Taking the dress , Amber realized she should give the bellman a tip . Asking him to wait a minute , she walked over to the chair where she had set her purse . She leaned over to reach into her purse for her wallet and , in doing so , she caused the hem of the t - shirt to rise up along her thighs until her bottom was partially exposed . The young bellman appreciated the sight before him . He had watched with great anticipation as the t - shirt rose , and now he watched closely as Amber 's bottom came into view . Although he did not see much more than the curve of her bottom , he was glad that he had volunteered to deliver the dress . Amber looked at the clock and realized she had to get ready for dinner . She removed the t - shirt and walked into the bath to put on makeup . She decided to brush her long blonde hair and wondered how she should wear it that night . As she brushed , she decided she would wear it long and parted in the middle so it would hang down her back and over her shoulders too . She decided to wear minimal make - up , but deep red lipstick . Amber always thought she looked so " innocent " with her long straight blonde hair , minimal make - up , and dark red lips . She laughed as she thought that looks can be deceiving . She felt anything but innocent after the events of the last two days . She shivered with delight as she thought about the things she had let these two men do to her . She smiled as she thought of what might happen that night . This certainly had turned out to be an exciting trip . As Amber dressed , she thought of Steve 's comment that the dinner would be " no strings attached . " Although a lot had happened in the hot tub that afternoon , Amber believed that Steve meant what he had said and thought it was very sweet . She realized that she soon would be returning to her quiet life at home and thought she would like some excitement on what likely would be her last night on the town . She also thought of Steve 's cock and knew she wanted to enjoy it a lot more than she had that afternoon . With those thoughts running through her mind , Amber began to dress . Since Steve had enjoyed seeing her in her lingerie last night , she thought she would wear similar things . She took another pair of black stockings from her suitcase and got the black garter belt she had worn the night before from the shower rack where it had been hanging after she washed it that morning . She had washed it planning to pack it for her trip home - little did she know at the time she would be wearing it again just one night later . Amber slid the sheer hose up her legs and attached the garter clips . Wanting every aspect of her look to be perfect , Amber stood in front of the mirror and looked at herself . The black garter belt , straps , and black stocking tops framed her smooth round bottom quite nicely , she thought . She blushed as she considered how much it had been explored in the last day or so . Amber turned to face the mirror and readjusted the garter straps to they were evenly spaced along her thighs . She spent a few minutes admiring herself , and thought again that the pain of the bikini wax was well worth the price . Although her hair was so blonde as to be almost invisible there , she loved the look of being perfectly smooth . Knowing her lips were bare often excited her when she least expected it . She particularly loved to feel the fabric of her panties or other clothing rubbing her there . Amber took out her tiniest black thong and slid it up her legs over her stockings and the garter straps . It barely covered her in front and provided little coverage in back . Amber thought it was almost indecent when she bought it and she thought it looked more than a little slutty the one time she had worn it . She laughed to herself and thought that slutty was exactly the mood she was in and the image she decided to portray that night . The phrase " high class hooker " came to mind as Amber looked at herself in the mirror . She liked that . As she was about to turn from the mirror , she had a naughty thought and , sliding her fingers below the garter belt , she spread her lips and allowed the silky material of the thong to slide between her lips . The sensation was fantastic as Amber pulled the thong tighter . She decided that slutty was exactly the way she felt . She applied a minimal amount of makeup , just enough to highlight her green eyes . She took out her favorite deep red lipstick and applied that as well . She also applied small amounts of her favorite perfume at several sensitive spots . Almost as an afterthought , she gave herself a light spray just above her thong and below the garter belt . Amber took the flimsy strapless bra that matched her thong but , as she began to put it on , she thought she would go without that night . She realized her somewhat low cut dress would offer some danger of exposure , but thought it would be fun to be a tease . She slid her dress over her head and wriggled a little to help slide down her body . She zipped it and then adjusted it so the thin spaghetti straps rested above her shoulders . She put a black choker on and , after brushing her long blonde hair one last time , decided she would tie it back . She found a black silk ribbon and , after throwing her long hair forward as she bent from the waist , she gathered it up and tied the ribbon around it . Standing and looking over her shoulder in the mirror , she decided she liked the look . The black ribbon contrasted nicely with her blonde hair and gave her a flirtatious look . Tying her hair back gave a much better view of her shoulders and neck . Realizing that she was running late . She grabbed her clutch and put her room key in it along with some cash . Grateful that it was going to be a warm evening , she left her wrap and walked from her room to the elevator . She looked fantastic , she thought , and smiled broadly . The reaction she received from the couple in the elevator when the door opened confirmed her opinion . The man stared and almost gasped , the woman reached over and pulled on his arm to get his attention back to her . Amber just said " good evening " and smiled again . When Amber left the elevator and walked into the lobby , she saw Steve . She had not expecting to see him yet , since she had come down a little early . She was impressed that he had arrived early so she would not have to wait . He rose from his chair as she walked across the lobby . She enjoyed the look on his face . Seeing his reaction , she knew she had chosen just the right outfit . She knew she looked good , but Steve 's reaction convinced her she looked great . When he saw her he did an actual double - take , and his mouth hung open . She asked if she looked okay and , as she did so , she spun around . Spinning caused her skirt to lift a bit , and she hoped he could see her stocking tops . As Steve stood there looking , Amber walked up to him and gave him a very deep kiss . She slid her tongue into his mouth and teased his . She pressed herself against him , hoping he could feel her breasts against his chest . When she finally broke the embrace , all he could say was " wow ! " She pulled him close again and whispered in his ear , " I am going home tomorrow , and I wanted my last night to be one I 'll remember . " Steve replied , " I 'll do my best to see that your wish comes true . " As they walked from the hotel , Amber put her arm around Steve and pulled him close . As she did so , her breast rubbed against his arm . She heard him moan softly as she rubbed against him . When they got outside , they noticed that the breeze had picked up . Steve suggested they take a cab to the restaurant , even though it was only a few blocks . As they waited for a cab , Amber could feel the breeze blowing her skirt . She hoped that made it possible for people to see her stocking tops . Steve was a perfect gentleman as he opened the cab door to allow Amber to enter . She knew he got a good view of her stocking tops as she entered and , when she saw where the driver was looking , she knew he had gotten an eyeful as well . Remembering her earlier thoughts about being slutty , Amber smiled to herself and decided to act on her thoughts . Leaning slightly forward as if to sit more comfortably , Amber slid her skirt higher up her thighs and then spread he legs slightly . She was certain the cab driver noticed , because he adjusted his rear view mirror so he had a view of the back seat area . Amber hoped that the contrast between her pale skin and the black stocking tops and garter straps would be noticeable . She hoped she had given him a nice view . When they arrived at the restaurant , Steve got out of the cab on his side and walked around to open Amber 's door . As he walked , Amber spoke to the driver to thank him and to get his attention . When he turned around to speak to her , she slid her skirt higher up her thighs and then , when she was certain he was looking , she lifted her skirt to show him her tiny black thong . Judging by his gasp , she was certain he had seen everything . She held her skirt up until Steve pulled on the door handle to open her door , then gave the driver a broad smile . As Steve took her hand to help her from the cab , Amber stopped with one foot outside the cab and one inside and turned to say thank you again . As she did so , she knew she was giving him one last look under her skirt . When she looked up at Steve , she could tell by his smile that he had seen quite a bit as well . The restaurant Steve had selected was amazing . It was small , but did not seem crowded . The tables were spread throughout the space , giving the illusion of privacy . Steve and Amber were led to on of the few banquettes placed along the walls . Amber slid in on the upholstered bench , her skirt sliding up slightly as she did so . She noticed that a few of the male patrons in the restaurant who had watched her walk in also paid close attention as she sat down . Steve started to sit in the chair opposite Amber at the table , but she suggested they sit together on the bench . Steve was happy to oblige . The dinner was wonderful . Amber had a small filet and Steve had a filet as well , although his was a much larger portion . They chatted happily during dinner , and Amber took advantage of their seating positions to press her leg against Steve 's . Several times during dinner , she leaned against him and placed her head on his shoulder . On more than a few occasions , she placed her hand on his thigh and , although not being too forward in the restaurant , Amber could feel his erection as her fingertips lightly caressed his thigh . The thought of Steve 's erection excited Amber . She was aware of the thin material of her thong still pulled tightly between her lips and , as the meal progressed , se felt herself getting wet . After they had ordered dessert , but while they were waiting for it to be served , Amber excused herself to go to the ladies room . While there , she slid her thong down her legs over her garter straps and hose , and stepped out of it . Slipping the moist thong into her clutch , she returned to the table just as the waiter arrived with their desserts . While the waiter was setting their dessert plates on the table , Amber told Steve she had something for him . When he turned to look at her with a bit of a surprised look on his face , Amber opened her clutch and removed her thong . She took Steve 's hand , opened it , and placed her still damp thong in the palm of his hand . Then , she lifted his hand to his face so he could breathe in her scent . The waiter , who was aware of what she had given to Steve simply smiled . Steve was aroused by the thought of Amber sitting next to him with nothing on under her short black dress except her stockings and garter belt . He leaned over and gently kissed Amber 's neck , then whispered in her ear " I want you more than any woman I 've ever known . " Amber blushed , then smiled and simply said " I 'm yours . " Dessert and coffee was a blur . All either could think about was returning to the hotel . After Steve paid the check , they slid out off the bench as they prepared to leave . As she slid over , Amber realized that her skirt had ridden up and , as she moved over , she might have shown her nakedness to others . Thinking of her desire to be slutty , she simply smiled and told herself she hoped at least a few of the other patrons got a thrill . The looks of a few male patrons led her to believe they had . As they left the restaurant , Steve got a cab for the ride back to the hotel . Still the perfect gentleman , Steve held the door for Amber and was rewarded with a view of her stocking tops and garter straps as she slid into the cab . As soon as Steve entered and sat , Amber pulled him close and took his hand , placing it on her thigh . Steve sighed and , when he let his hand rest where Amber placed it , she took him by the wrist and moved his hand along her thigh . " I want you to feel how wet I am , " she told him . She said it loudly enough that the driver could hear and he glanced back over his shoulder just in time to see Steve 's hand slide under Amber 's dress and spread her lips . Steve moaned audibly when he felt Amber 's hot , wet sex . " Taste me , " Amber said . Steve moved his fingers so they were covered with Amber 's juices and then raised his hand to his mouth and licked his fingers clean . " Do I taste good , " Amber asked . Rather than answer verbally , Steve slid his fingers back into Amber and then raised them to her mouth . Amber licked and sucked Steve 's fingers and , as she did so , reached to his thigh and found his hard cock . As she continued to suck Steve 's fingers , she gently stroked him though his slacks . Feeling Steve tense , she stopped . She did not want his first orgasm to go to waste in the cab . After what seemed like and endless ride , the cab finally arrived at the hotel . Steve asked if he might come up to her room . Amber simply told him . He had better . The elevators ride also seemed endless . Luckily , there were no other passengers . Throwing caution to the wind , Amber reached down and found Steve 's zipper . She slid it down and reached in , finding his erection . Steve started to caution her when she puled his hardness from his pants and , leaning over , took it in her mouth . Steve moaned , but then said that there often were security cameras in these elevators . Amber took Steve from her mouth and simply said " I hope so . " Leading Steve by the hand , Amber led him to her room and opened the door . She pulled him into her room and wrapped her arms around his neck , pulling him to her . She kissed him deeply and passionately . Amber told Steve she had to return home the next day , but wanted to have a night she would never forget . She told him she was going to be his slut , and there was nothing he would ask of her that she would refuse to do . " There is one thing I would like though , " she said . Steve said he would do anything . Amber blushed and said she wanted to do with Steve what he had watched her doing the other night . " I hope someone else can enjoy watching me as much as you did , " she said . Steve agreed in a second . Amber took Steve by the hand and led him out onto the terrace where he had seen her the other night . She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply … . all the while pressing against his hard cock , which was getting harder by the minute . Amber could not resist , and reached down with one hand and stroked his cock through his slacks . Steve moaned and caressed the bare skin of Amber 's shoulders and back . Amber was not content to have layers of clothing between Steve 's cock and her hand . She undid his zipper and reached into his slacks , finding his hard cock . She pulled him out and continued to stroke him . When Steve began slowly moving his hips back and forth in time with her movements , Amber realized that she was getting as turned on as Steve was . She felt herself getting wet and thought she could feel her juices starting to run down her thigh . Amber loved the feel of Steve 's hard cock sliding in and out of her mouth . She moved her lips up and down its length and ran her tongue around it . While she sucked him , she also stroked him and caressed and squeezed his balls . From the sound of his moaning and his heavy breathing , Amber knew Steve was having a wonderful time . Steve reached down and put his hands on the back of Amber 's head and she knew he was close to exploding . The thought caused her to work even harder . Before she knew it , he began to pulse and shoot his cum into her mouth , forcing his cock deeper into her mouth as he did so . She loved the way he was thrusting into her mouth and the heat of his cum as he spasmed over and over again . Amber continued to suck him and did her best to keep up , but she was not able to swallow it all . She felt a large dollop of cum slide from between her lips . It ran down her chin and she felt it drop onto her chest . She loved the way it felt as it rolled between her breasts and out of sight under her dress and hoped it would find its way inside her . After what seemed like half an hour , Steve finally stopped cumming in Amber 's mouth . He was breathing hard and he had to hold onto the balcony railing to keep from falling . He looked down at Amber who was still holding his cock and licking the tip . " That was amazing , " Steve told her . Smiling her angelic smile , Amber told him she hoped he was ready for an exciting night . Amber got to her feet , still holding Steve 's cock in her hand . Reaching for his neck with her other hand , she pulled him close and kissed him . The taste of Amber 's lipstick combined with the salty flavor of his semen was very erotic and Steve felt himself becoming more excited the longer they kissed . Steve could not keep his hands from caressing Amber 's face as they kissed . He reached behind her and found the black ribbon she had put in her hair . Untying it , he allowed her long blonde hair to fall across her shoulders and her back . Running his fingers through her hair , he also was able to caress her back and shoulders . As he did so , he pulled her close and kissed her with even more passion - sliding his tongue into her mouth and tasting his cum . As Steve 's hands roamed over Amber 's back and shoulders , he felt the zipper on her dress . He took hold of the tab of the zipper and slowly pulled it lower over Amber 's back . He expected her to protest , but she responded by kissing him harder and squeezing his cock . Steve continued pulling the zipper down until it reached the bottom of the track . The two sides of her dress opened , and Steve ran his hands along her spine from Amber 's neck to the cleft of her bottom below the garter belt . Having removed her thong in the restaurant , there was no obstruction as Steve slid his fingertips between the cheeks of Amber 's bottom . As he explored , Steve could hear Amber 's moans . |
The Wise Men , having laid their gifts before the Christ Child , returned home . But not by the same route . According to St . Matthew , " Being warned in a dream that they should not return to Herod , they departed into their own country by another way . " Once we have found Bethlehem , bowed down before the Master and surrendered our lives in service to Him , He tops our offering with an incomparable gift of His own . The Wise Men brought Him the world 's riches - - gold , frankincense and myrrh . He gave them in exchange something priceless : a vision of life more abundant - - one which they could claim that very day . He will do the same for you and me right now . I knew that Homer had wanted canyon boots for as long as I could remember . He was eleven , and I ten , and we had spent many nights under the blue quilts at the cabin talking about how great it would be to have some real boots - - boots that would climb through thorny bushes ; that would ward off rattlesnakes ; that would nudge the ribs of the pony . We had planned the kind of leather they should be and what kind of decoration they should have . But we both knew it was just talk . The depression had been hard on Father 's business , and even shoes for school were usually half - soled hand - me - downs . Christmas that year had promised , as always , to be exciting , though mainly because of the handmade things we 'd worked on in school for our parents . We never had money to spend on each other , but we had caught early in our lives a sort of contagion from our mother . She loved to give , and her anticipation of the joy that a just right gift would bring to someone , infected our whole household . We were swept up in breathless waiting to see how others would like what we had to give . Secrecy ruled - - open exaggerated secrecy , as we made and hid our gifts . The only one whose hiding place we never discovered was my Grandmother 's . Her gifts seemed to materialize by magic on Christmas morning and were always more expensive than they should have been . That Christmas I was glowing because Mother had been so happy with the parchment lamp shade I 'd made in the fourth grade , and Father had raved over the clay jewelry case I had molded and baked for him . Gill and Emma Lou had been pleased with the figures I had whittled out of clothespins , and Homer had liked the Scout pin I had bargained for with my flint . Then Grandma started to pass out her presents . Mine was heavy and square . I had been in the hospital that year and then on crutches , and I had wondered how it would be to have an erector set to build with . Grandma had a knack at reading boy 's minds , and I was sure that 's what it was . But it wasn 't . It was a pair of boots , brown tangy - smelling leather boots . I looked quickly to Homer 's package . His was a sweater . He had needed one all fall . I wanted to cover my box before he saw what it was . I did not want the boots ; they should have been his . He came toward me asking to see , and I started to say , " I 'm sorry brother . " And it came to pass , as the angels were gone away from them into heaven , the shepherds said one to another , Let us now go even unto Bethlehem , and see this thing which is come to pass , which the Lord hath made known unto us . And they came with haste , and found Mary , and Joseph , and the babe lying in a manger . Luke 2 : 15 , 16 We arrived in Provo on a cold December night . All our belongings were packed in the back of a rental truck . Our nerves were on edge from the tiring trip . Six months pregnant , I was feeling the effects of cleaning , packing , and traveling ; our 15 - month - old daughter , Shawna , was tired and crying . A blast of cold air greeted us as we opened the door to our home . The electricity and water had been turned on , but for some reason the natural gas had not . Too exhausted to do anything else , we put a mattress on the floor with an electric blanket to keep us warm and tried to sleep with our daughter between us . She ended up crying most of the night , so when morning came we were almost as tired as when we had gone to bed . When I unpacked our electric frying pan , I decided to heat water in it to wash out the cupboards . As I turned on the faucet of the kitchen sink , the faucet came off and water shot up into the air . I tried to turn off the water valve under the sink but could not get it to turn . Frantically , I searched for the water shutoff valve for the house . By the time I found it , the kitchen and living room were flooded . As I desperately started moving boxes out of the water , Shawna sensed my panic and began to scream . Carrying her with one arm , I continued to try to lift boxes with the other . It was then that I started into premature labor . Now I was truly panicked . I didn 't know anyone in the neighborhood , and I didn 't even have a phone to call for help . Desperately I prayed , " Heavenly Father , please help me ! " I 'll never forget answering a knock that soon came at the door . The woman standing there was shivering , with soap suds up to her elbows . She introduced herself as Amalia Van Tassel , the branch Relief Society president ; and told me the Spirit had sent her . Amalia made me lie down , comforted Shawna , cleaned up all she could , and invited our family to dinner . She brought light , safety , and comfort into that dark December day . Rest stopped my premature labor , Ken returned with the gas man , and fixed the sink , and portable electric heaters dried the soaked carpet . Mother said that she had purchased a wind - up train for Widow Hansen 's boy , Mark , who lived down the lane at Gale Street . As I looked at his train , I noted a tanker car which I much admired . I put up such a fuss that my mother succumbed to my pleading and gave me the tanker car . I put it with my train set and felt pleased . Mother and I took the remaining cars and the engine down to Mark Hansen . The young boy was a year or two older than I . He had never anticipated such a gift . He was thrilled beyond words . He wound the key in his engine , it not being electric , nor expensive like mine , and was overjoyed as the engine and three cars , plus a caboose went around the track . I felt a horrible sense of guilt as I returned home . The tanker car no longer appealed to me . Suddenly , I took the tank car in my hand , plus an additional car of my own and ran all the way down to Gale Street and proudly announced to Mark , " We forgot to bring two cars which belong to your train . " Every Christmas , in celebration of the Savoir 's birth , our family selects an individual or family to surprise with anonymous gifts . A few years ago we chose a family in our ward with three little children . We knew they were struggling financially , so we decided to buy them a few small toys and groceries for Christmas dinner , and leave it on their doorstep . However , each time I went shopping for those things , I felt troubled . When my husband asked me one night why I hadn 't bought the gifts , I shrugged and told him I didn 't know , that I just didn 't feel good about it . One afternoon a week before Christmas as I was driving past our bank , I was impressed to get a $ 100 bill . I immediately went into the bank to get one . When my husband came home from work that night , I told him what I 'd done . Naturally , he wanted to know what we were supposed to do with it , but I didn 't know . Later that evening as we were eating dinner , I suddenly felt the money should go to the home of the family we had chosen to surprise with Christmas gifts . I asked my son to go with me to deliver the money . We left it in an envelope on their doorstep , rang the doorbell and ran . We heard nothing about it in the ensuing days and soon forgot about it . A year passed , during which the family moved away . Then , just before Christmas , the family visited our ward , and the sister stood to bear her testimony in Relief Society . She had a strong testimony of tithing , she said , and went on to explain that about a year ago , a week before Christmas , she and her husband had gone to tithing settlement , where they discovered they were $ 100 short . To be full - tithe payers they would need to pay it that night . She and her husband looked at each other in dismay . The only money they had was $ 100 they had worked hard to save for a Christmas celebration with their children . Since it was the only money they could spare , they gave it to the Bishop . Through tears the sister related that they had gone from tithing settlement to home , only to find an envelop with a $ 100 bill in it on their doorstep . Her heart overflowed then with gratitude toward an understanding Heavenly Father . It was a Christmas she said she would never forget , and the gift she received that year was one that would stay with her always . Shepherds tending their flocks were startled by a radiant burst of light as " an angel of the Lord came upon them , and the glory of the Lord shone round about them " ( Luke 2 : 9 ) . Understandably , they were terror - stricken , but once again the angel spoke his reassuring words : " Fear not . " Then he gave them the " good tidings of great joy " that have been at the heart of Christmas ever since . Is there a message for all of us here ? We think there is , and it is this : Don 't be satisfied merely to hear about Jesus . Arise and seek him yourself . Go in search of Him " with haste " until you stand in His Presence , and then when you have found Him , tell others about your discovery , just as the shepherds did . And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field , keeping watch over their flock by night . And , lo , the angel of the Lord came upon them , and the glory of the Lord shone round about them : and they were sore afraid . And the angel said unto them , Fear not : for , behold , I bring you good tidings of great joy , which shall be to all people . For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour , which is Christ the Lord . Luke 2 : 8 - 11 How like another Christmas night , I thought . God gave an identical Gift to all men 2 , 000 years ago . Some merely observed it with faint curiosity , some only commented on it - - but some received it with rejoicing and hurried to share it with others . And Joseph also went up from Galilee , out of the city of Nazareth , into Judaea , unto the city of David , which is called Bethlehem ; ( because he was of the house and lineage of David ) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife , being great with child . And so it was , that , while they were there , the days were accomplished that she should be delivered . And she brought forth her firstborn son , and wrapped him in swaddling clothes , and laid him in a manger ; because there was no room for them in the inn . Luke 2 : 4 - 7 For many years now , whenever Christmas pageants are talked about in a certain little town in the Midwest , someone is sure to mention the name of Wallace Purling . Wally 's performance in one annual production of the nativity play has slipped into the realm of legend . But old - timers who were in the audience that night never tire of recalling exactly what happened . Wally was nine that year and in the second grade , though he should have been in the fourth . Most people in town knew he had difficulty in keeping up . He was big and clumsy , slow in movement and mind . Still , Wally was well liked by the other children in his class , all of whom were smaller than he , though the boys had trouble hiding their irritation when Wally would ask to play ball with them , or any game , for that matter , in which winning was important . Most often they 'd find a way to keep him out , but Wally would hang around anyway , not sulking , just hoping . He was always a helpful boy , a willing and smiling one , and the natural protector of the underdog . Sometimes if the older boys chased the younger ones away , it would always be Wally who 'd say , " Can 't they stay ? They 're not a bother . " And so it happened that the usual large , partisan audience gathered for the town 's yearly extravaganza of beards , crowns , halos , and a whole stage full of squeaky voices . No one on stage or off was more caught up in the magic of the night than Wallace Purling . They said later that he stood in the wings and watched the performance with such fascination that from time to time Miss Lumbard had to make sure he didn 't wander on stage before his cue . Then the time came when Joseph appeared , slowly , tenderly guiding Mary to the door of the inn . Joseph knocked hard on the wooden door set into the painted backdrop . Wally the Innkeeper was there , waiting . " Please , good Innkeeper , this is my wife , Mary . She is heavy with child and needs a place to rest . Surely you must have some small corner for her . She is so tired . " Joseph sadly placed his arm around Mary , and Mary laid her head upon her husband 's shoulder and the two of them started to move away . The innkeeper did not return inside his inn , however . Wally stood there in the doorway , watching the forlorn couple . His mouth was open , his brow creased with concern , his eyes filling unmistakably with tears . " Don 't go , Joseph ! " Wally called out . " Bring Mary back . " And Wallace Purling 's face grew into a bright smile . " You can have my room . " And I looked and beheld the virgin again , bearing a child in her arms . And the angel said unto me : Behold the Lamb of God , yea , even the Son of the Eternal Father ! . . . And I looked and I beheld the Son of God going forth among the children of men ; and I saw many fall down at his feet and worship him . 1 Nephi 11 : 20 , 21 , 24 When I was about three or four years old , my mother was the ward Relief Society President . Part of her responsibility , it seemed , was to always have a quilt in progress in our home . Sisters would filter in and out of our basement at any given time to quilt for a while . Often my mother would thread a needle for me and let me " quilt " with the sisters ( my clumsy stitches were patiently removed when I was not around ) . I relished these moments and learned at a young age to love the quilting bee and the Relief Society . My mother died suddenly when I was only five . It wasn 't until years later that I found she had left me a great gift of love . The Christmas of my nineteenth year is one I will always remember , for that was when I received this most precious gift from my mother , although she had passed away fourteen years before . When I turned nineteen , my older sister felt it was time to complete the quilts for my brother and me and asked a ward Relief Society to finish them . These sisters sewed the intricate stitches without knowing how much it would have pleased my mother . When I received the quilt on Christmas Day , I loved the gift with all my heart , but I had no idea how much more it would yet come to mean to me . Years went by , and I married and started a family of my own . I kept my quilt wrapped in a plastic bag in a drawer for fear something would happen to it . One day I took it out and was carefully admiring it when one of my little boys came into the room and asked where I got the quilt . I explained to him that his Grandma Brown had made the quilt for me before she died . " Who is Grandma Brown ? " my young son asked . How it pained me that my children had never known the mother whom I cherished , that she was not able to put her arms around them and tell them she loved them in her tender , gentle way . I explained to my son once again that Grandma Brown , my mother , was someone special in heaven who loved him . " Why do you have that quilt , Mommy ? he asked . Suddenly it came to me . I knew exactly why I had the quilt . I unfolded it and wrapped it around his little body . " I have this quilt so Grandma Brown can give you hugs even though she is in heaven , " I said . A big smile spread across his face , and I could see that this was the best answer I could have given him . Since that time the quilt has made its way out of the drawer much more often . Whenever a family member is hurt , sad , or in need of extra love , the quilt is a great source of comfort . To me , it is still the greatest gift I could ask for . I love touching the quilt , knowing my mother 's hands have touched it also . Many years have passed , and I can now quilt correctly . My sisters and I have spent many hours around quilting frames talking about our mother . Since I am the youngest , my sisters tell me stories about her to help me know her better . Yet no matter how many stories I hear , nothing has helped me or my children turn our hearts to my mother more than the quilt I got for Christmas the year I turned nineteen . As I started toward the scene of his latest mischief , he turned toward me with wide blue eyes filling and a single tear starting down his cherubic check . Then I saw it . A carefully folded tissue had been tenderly placed over the small ceramic infant . Ten years have passed , and the tiny Nativity has been replaced with a much larger one . But this year , as every year , I found a carefully folded tissue covering the baby Jesus . I think I know who did it , and I hope he never stops . And it came to pass that there was no darkness in all that night , but it was as light as though it was mid - day . And it came to pass that the sun did rise in the morning again , according to its proper order ; and they knew that it was the day that the Lord should be born , because of the sing which had been given . 3 Nephi 1 : 19 The woman standing in cashier Jeffrey Kandt 's line seemed to be living on the edge of subsistence . Her clothes were worn ; her hands were those of a person who 'd worked hard for what she had . She held a single item in her arms as she patiently waited to move to the front of the line . Her son would get the one present he had asked for : a Sony PlayStation2 . She had saved all year for this ; with tax , the total would be close to $ 220 . As Kandt scanned the game player 's barcode into his register , the woman panicked . Where was her money ? It wasn 't where she remembered putting it earlier in the day . Her fear became palpable to the customers in line behind her as she started to cry . Why my line ? Kandt thought as he watched the frantic woman search through her clothes . He was going to have to call his manager to void the sale and return the game player to a locked shelf . He 'd have to shutdown his checkout line and wait for her to come from another part of the crowded store - - not something that any store manager or cashier wants on Christmas Eve , not with people waiting and the clock ticking down to closing time . I 'm going to be late for church , Kandt thought . And then an amazing thing happened . At the back of the line , a man took out his wallet , pulled out $ 100 and passed it forward . As the cash moved up the line , a twenty dollar bill was added here , a ten dollar bill there . Someone threw in a bunch of ones dug from the bottom of a jeans pocket . He said , " My brother and his wife and their family are coming from Germany . They are going to live in your ward . Will you come with me to see the apartment we have rented for them ? " On the way to that apartment he told me he had not seen his brother for something like thirty years . Yet all through the holocaust of World War II , his brother , Hans Guertler , had been faithful to the Church - - an officer in the Hamburg branch . I looked at that apartment . It was cold ; it was dreary ; the paint was peeling from the walls ; the cupboards were bare . What an uninviting home for the Christmas season of the year ! I worried about it and I prayed about it , and then in our ward welfare committee meeting , we did something about it . You should have seen the Christmas scene when the Guertler family arrived from Germany in clothing which was tattered and with faces which were drawn by the rigors of war and deprivation ! As they went into their apartment they saw what had been in actual fact a transformation - - a beautiful home . We spontaneously began singing " Silent Night ! Holy Night ! All is calm ; all is bright . " We sang in English , they sang in German . At the conclusion of that hymn Hans Guertler threw his arms around my neck , buried his face in my shoulder , and repeated over and over again those words which I shall never forget : " Mein brudder , mein brudder , mein brudder . " And the angel said unto her , Fear not , Mary : for thou hast found favour with God . And , behold , thou shalt conceive in thy womb , and bring forth a son , and shalt call his name JESUS . He shall be great , and shall be called the Son of the Highest : and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David : And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever , and of his kingdom there shall be no end . Luke 1 : 30 - 33 It was a cold , bone - chilling December day in 1988 in San Luis Obispo , California . Stricken with a rare neuromuscular disorder , I struggled with rigid muscles in my abdomen and legs . The cold aggravated my symptoms . Walking was painful and difficult , and celebrating Christmas in the manner I desired would be impossible . After our children departed for the bus stop , I hobbled out to the mailbox to slip some letters under its sodden wooden top . A crumpled , damp envelope already protruded from under the lid . As I pulled it out to add to my stack of letters , I glanced at the address . To my surprise scrawled across the front was " To Santa , From Sarah . " Sarah was our nine - year - old daughter , a sensitive and loving child who cared deeply for those around her . The thought occurred to me that this might be my chance to see what she really wanted for Christmas . I opened her envelope and read : " Dear Santa , I am nine years old and all I want is this . My mother has been very sick and has not been able to walk , and I am hoping you can get her better for Christmas . That 's all I want . Love , Sarah . " During the following years , Sarah never ceased praying that I would be made well . After more than six years , a breakthrough in medical technology placed me soundly back on my feet and eliminated my need for either a cane or wheelchair . Sarah knelt in prayer to express her deep gratitude to Heavenly Father . With wind howling down from the Cascade Mountains , December 1969 was bitterly cold and snowy in Wenatchee , Washington . As a single mother , I and my children struggled just to stay warm and fed . I worked at minimum - wage jobs and attended nursing school , and often I went two or three days without eating at the end of the month to give the children more food . At times even the children went to bed hungry , and none of us had adequate winter clothing . Wendell was in grade school , Brent was in preschool , and my three year old twins , Michael and Michelle , stayed with a state - paid babysitter while I was gone . Just four months before , Wendell and I had joined the church , and as a result my parents , brothers , and sisters wanted nothing to do with us . With the holidays approaching we really had no one to turn to for help ; as a new convert , I didn 't know I could ask my bishop . Ten days before Christmas , after a great deal of whispering among themselves , my children approached me one evening while I was studying . Nine - year - old Wendell tugged my sleeve and asked , " Mama , when are we going to get a Christmas tree and some presents ? " Brent piped up and asked , " Or are we going to Grandma and Grandpa 's for Christmas this year ? " For the next few days the children seemed somber . They often stood by the front window and looked out at passers - by and neighboring festive houses . While their playmates bubbled with excitement about the presents and goodies being prepared in their homes , my children quietly accepted the fact that no packages or decorations or other signs of Christmas were appearing in our house . The party was the first real Christmas flavor to come into my children 's lives that year . I don 't know what they talked with Santa about , but they appreciated his gifts of candy and oranges , and their spirits seemed much uplifted afterward . Buoyed by my children 's renewed enthusiasm , I used their watercolors to paint a Santa face on our front window . Now we had some decorations . When Christmas Eve arrived , I had only $ 1 . 25 in my purse . We walked to the grocery store , where I bought each child two tangerines and the cashier handed them each a large candy cane . Along with the story of Jesus ' birth , that would be the extent of our Christmas . As we rounded the corner on our way home , Wendell shouted , " Hey , Santa came ! " The other children echoed his cries upon seeing a beautifully decorated Christmas tree on our porch . Mounting the steps , we saw two large boxes , previously hidden from view , placed next to the tree . One box was full of food , and the other was full of presents . I could hardly believe my eyes . Wendell plugged in the Christmas tree lights as soon as we moved the tree inside , and the children pinched and shook each present as they set it under the tree . Their eyes were full of wonder . Next we unpacked the food in the kitchen . The children had never seen so much in one place except at the grocery store . Even Wendell couldn 't remember having a whole turkey in the house . I fixed the children a special Christmas Eve supper . Afterwards we sat around the Christmas tree and enjoyed the lights while I read the story of the birth of Jesus . " We have a lot to thank Heavenly Father for tonight , " I said . We knelt in a circle and said a prayer of gratitude . When we opened the presents the next morning , each child received exactly what he or she had wanted . In addition , each child got a warm outfit , gloves and mittens , and money for boots . Someone had made clothes for the doll my daughter received . The food was enough to last us several weeks beyond Christmas . I may never know who played Santa that year or how they knew what the children wanted . Everyone in our ward denied involvement , but I 'm certain it was some of them . I 'll always remember that Christmas as the best of my life , and my grown - up children feel the same way . We felt the Spirit of Christ that day more than we ever had before and realized that our Savior does watch over his children . I was one of 14 children in my family , and we lived in a farming town . We were very poor as far as worldly goods are concerned , though I didn 't know it then . A family in our town was even poorer than we were . Their mother had died , and the father was working away from home , leaving the older children to care for the younger ones . I had three presents - - a doll , a necklace , and an article of clothing . What a hard decision it was for me ! I needed the clothing and I wanted the doll badly , but the necklace was so pretty and sparkly . After a time , I reluctantly dropped the necklace into the box . The next Sunday , I saw the necklace around the neck of a girl my age from that family . She excitedly told me that Santa had left a box of gifts for them on Christmas night . Of course , my parents had sworn us to secrecy . Dad had told us that giving anonymously was the best part of giving . But at my young age I can 't say it felt that good to see what had been my necklace on someone else 's neck . Though it wasn 't an easy lesson then , I now realize the great impact this experience has had on my life . As a child I thought my father was asking me to give up a gift , but later I understood that he was actually giving me one of the most precious gifts I 've ever received . I think of how much he must have loved me , to teach me that loving someone is far more important than having something . My father 's showing his love in this way has helped me understand the love of our Heavenly Father , who presented us the greatest gift of all when He gave His only begotten Son . To my disappointment , however , as a young adult I still had not seen the fulfillment of that dream . Instead , my time and energy during Christmas were being spent on my work as a school teacher and on various holiday related activities . As my involvement in these activities increased and my to - do list grew longer , I felt more and more overwhelmed . In the middle of the chaos came a request from a friend for our young single adult group to sing at a local nursing home . It was to be a family home evening presentation for the elderly patients there . I must admit that I didn 't really want to go , but I halfheartedly consented anyway . A group of patients in wheelchairs had been gathered together in a cold , sterile room . A woman with silver hair and a tremulous voice opened our family home evening with prayer . She petitioned our Heavenly Father and sincerely and humbly said , " We thank Thee for all of our many blessings . " Blessings ? I was puzzled by the thought . How could she see her world of wheelchairs , bedpans , hospital food , lonely days and nights , dependency , crippled limbs , and faded youth as blessings ? The woman finished the prayer , and my thoughts were filled with wonder at her expression of gratitude . Slippered feet tapped on foot rests , gnarled fingers kept time , and smiles appeared at the sound of the familiar melodies . Their expressions mirrored ours as we sang of Christmas delights and heavenly gifts . Something warm and magical gradually seemed to fill the room . My view of Christmas and of life began to change that night . For one moment I could see that I didn 't need to worry so much about what I felt was lacking in my own life . I sensed that within the withered physical bodies of those to whom we had sung , were spirits filled with happiness , gratitude , and God 's love . No matter the person 's age or station in life , a portion of that love and happiness was there , if only I had eyes to see , ears to hear , and a heart to fill - - with gratitude . It was my last Christmas in the Brazil Rio de Janeiro North Mission . I would soon be returning home , and I was happy about the Christmas season . My companion , Elder Barney , was an American who had been in Brazil for only a short time . He was fighting homesickness . We had been working hard , but we still weren 't sure how to celebrate Christmas . We hoped a family would invite us to spend Christmas with them , and eventually one family did . However , I wondered about some of the other missionaries in our area . On our next trip to Vitoria , my companion and I learned that Elder Jones and Elder Junot didn 't have any Christmas plans . I thought , These elders are my family while I 'm on my mission . We can 't leave them alone on Christmas . The four of us decided we would spend Christmas together . On Christmas Eve I recorded my feelings in my journal : " Today is the twenty - fourth of December . It has rained a lot , and I see that my companion is sadder . He says he misses the symbols of Christmas he is used to seeing in his country - - snow , music , trees , and decorations . I can imagine how hard his Christmas will be since he is so far away from his family , his people , and his customs . The rain continues to fall , but it is lighter now . " On the bus trip to Vitoria we could see people hurrying to make their Christmas purchases . We went by a house illuminated with colored lights . Children played in the gardens . Tears filled my eyes , and I could not speak to my companion because I knew I would cry . He seemed to be crying silently . For Elder Junot , Elder Jones , and me this Christmas was our last on the mission . But it was Elder Barney 's first , and I didn 't know how to console him . During the trip , I cried several times , but concealed it . And my companion concealed his tears from me . We got off the bus and went to the other missionaries ' apartment . We put our money together , and Elder Juno and Elder Jones went out to make the purchases . After they returned with the food , we set the table with a white tablecloth and napkins and placed Christmas cards on it for decoration . But even this didn 't seem to lift our spirits . Seeing this , Elder Jones suggested we get out our hymnbooks and sing hymns to the Lord . We sang one , then one more and then another . And we sang louder each time . I wanted the neighborhood to hear our singing and know that we were worshiping the Lord . We started to feel the Spirit of the Lord . When Elder Barney shared his testimony , he explained , " I was missing the things that are familiar to me - - the snow , the Christmas tree , the turkey , the Christmas music of my country . I forgot to be concerned about the Son of God born in a manger . " We had tears in our eyes , for the Spirit testified in our hearts that we had worshiped the Creator of the day . We thanked the Lord for all He had given us . Around five o ' clock one morning , Judy Markovitz was awakened by the shattering of glass . " My husband and I ran downstairs and saw our window had been broken and the menorah was on the floor . The frame was shattered . They must have used a bat . Whoever did it had to squeeze behind bushes to reach it . " For the Markovitz family it was an assault compounded by personal history . " Both of my parents were in the camps at Auschwitz ; my husband 's mother was there also , " explained Judy , who came to America in 1974 . " All of my mother 's family died . There are things we don 't talk about , but I know older people like her have a need to feel safe , so I didn 't tell her much about this . And I tried to isolate my children from it too . " One of those neighbors , Lisa Keeling , now living in North Carolina , explained their thinking . " I know a menorah represents a miracle by our God before our faith was known as Christianity . I know of the king who told the Jews they couldn 't practice their religion . When they reclaimed Jerusalem and saw the Temple had been desecrated , they wanted to reconsecrate it , but found only a tiny bit of oil , enough for a night . They decided to use it anyway and it burned eight nights . Vicky Markovitz , Judy 's daughter , now 18 , remembers those glowing windows as an affirmation of the compassion and community . " It was as if they said , ' If you break their windows , you will have to break ours . ' " And the light spread . The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness , Prepare ye the way of the Lord , Make straight in the desert a highway for our God . Every valley shall be exalted , and every mountain and hill shall be made low : and the crooked shall be made straight , ad the rough places plain : And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed . . . . Micah 5 : 2 He hesitated , and Paul knew what he was going to wish . He was going to wish he had a brother like that . But what the lad said jarred Paul all the way down to his heels . Paul smiled a little . He thought he knew what the lad wanted . He wanted to show his neighbors that he could ride home in a big automobile . But Paul was wrong again . " Will you stop right where those steps are ? " the boy asked . He ran up the steps . Then in a little while Paul heard him coming back , but he was not coming fast . He was carrying his little polio - crippled brother . He sat down on the bottom step , then sort of squeezed up right against him and pointed at the car . I chuckled to myself as I picked up one of the seven red stockings lying nearby on my mission companion 's bed . " Who are these for ? " I asked , trying not to laugh . " They 're . . . really nice , " I said with some apprehension . Elder Johnson and I had been assigned to serve in the town of Muskegon , Michigan . The Winkles were a choice investigator family scheduled to be baptized on Christmas Day , and in all honesty I felt sheepish delivering these cute little stockings with hand - embroidered gold lettering . Still feeling uneasy with this idea , I nevertheless decided to go along with it for fear of offending my creative companion . Our month had been filled with preparing this family for baptism , and now the day of their interviews had arrived at last , Christmas Eve . Everything was ready , or so we thought . Arriving at the Winkle home , we immediately sensed something was wrong . As I interviewed Brother Winkle privately , he told me that the children had been quarreling all morning and that everyone in the family was on edge . Some of the older children had even expressed doubts about being baptized . Upon returning to the family we encountered negative feelings . With heavy hearts and deep concern we slowly walked home . Our apartment seemed quiet and gloomy that Christmas Eve . Hours passed as we sat in silent depression . Finally Elder Johnson broke the silence as he pulled out the paper bag filled with the stockings and candy . Elder Johnson slipped the brown paper bag inside the screen door . Quietly we turned away and headed for home . How difficult it was for two young , inexperienced elders who loved a family so dearly to simply walk away . Snowflakes began to fall and we knew it was going to be a while Christmas . We were awakened the next morning by the sound of snow shovels and the voices of children outside our window . " Merry Christmas , elders ! " the Winkle children called to us as we opened our door . " We wanted to shovel your walks for you and also tell you that our whole family is ready to be baptized . Our parents want to know if you can come over right away ! " We dressed and ran to the Winkle home . Sister Winkle greeted us warmly and apologized for all that had happened the day before . " Baptism is such a big step in our lives . " She paused , then pointed to the seven red stockings hanging by the fireplace . " Those , " she said with emotion , " are what took away our fears and doubts . You see , elders , I was so touched by the love you showed our family yesterday - - despite the way we acted - - that I just couldn 't put it out of my mind . I finally said a silent prayer and asked the Lord to let me know , just one more time , if the message you brought was true . As I prayed , I said , ' Heavenly Father , if the elders are really thy messengers , send them back today even though we asked them not to return . ' " Well , hours passed , and I kept hoping you would come , but you did not . At midnight I gave up hope and decided that my answer was that I shouldn 't get baptized . It was then I went to turn off the porch light and noticed the brown bag in the screen door . When I opened it and realized it was from you , I began to cry . You had come back . I woke up the family , and together we read your testimonies and Christmas wishes . We shared a spirit of love and unity unlike anything we had known before and we knew it was time to be baptized . " As the years pass and Christmas memories fade , one Christmas stands above the rest . The year was 1918 . There was a terrible flu going around in Logan , Utah , and my father was stricken . As there were no antibiotics in those days , we waited for the change that would mean life or death . Because of my father 's illness , Mother told us there would be no money for Christmas gifts that year . My brother and sisters and I secretly decided to do something special for our parents to show them how much they were loved . Oh , if only we could buy them special gifts ! We decided we would each look for a job to earn money and then pool our savings . Henry , my older brother , found a job selling Christmas trees , chopping wood , and cleaning walks . Carmen did housework for others , and Luella , who was a fast knitter , made and sold her handiwork . I baby - sat for a mother down the street . Only Marie was too young to work . She just looked forward to Christmas . The day before Christmas was a crisp , wintry day . A thick blanket of snow covered the streets , and the stores were full of shoppers . We all gathered in my sister 's bedroom and counted our money . We had just enough to buy Father a warm robe and Marie a doll buggy . But what about Mother ? What could we get or do for her , and where would we get the extra money ? We needed Heavenly Father 's help so as brother and sisters we knelt down and prayed with all the fervor we could muster . And then we remembered : there was an almost - full book of green stamps from Christensen 's Department Store , and the completed books could be redeemed for merchandise . We hurried downtown and found the robe for Father and the wicker buggy for Marie , which we purchased at Christensen 's store . We received only a few stamps for our purchases , however , so we still lacked enough to fill the book . Carmen was walking through the store when a woman near the counter dropped her stamps . Carmen bent over , picked them up and handed them back to her . Would we ? We were overjoyed ! Now we could buy a gift for our mother . We found a small table for just one book of stamps , but it was too heavy to carry home . We asked the clerk if it could be delivered that night , but she told us the delivery truck had already left . We must have looked very sad because she offered to contact the driver and see if he would deliver the table after hours . That night , for the first time in weeks , Father seemed better and even wanted to join us for the festivities . The temperature was below freezing outside , bur we were blanketed with a warmth of love for each other . We made chains of popcorn , colored paper , and cranberries for our tree , and the spicy smell of baked cookies and pies filled the air . Friends and family dropped by , and we sang our favorite Christmas songs and shared our treats . Mother gave us all small gifts of knitted mittens , hard candy , and stockings , but still her gift had not arrived . What if it did not come ? Then there was a knock at the door and someone shouted " Merry Christmas ! " The delivery man was there with Mother 's table . We jumped up and down and cheered , and Mother had tears in her eyes . It should have been the worst , the bleakest of Christmases . It turned out to be the loveliest of all my life . I was nine years old , one of seven children , and we lived in a little farming town in Utah . It had been a tragic year for all of us . But we still had our father , and that made all the difference . Every year in our town , A Christmas Eve Social was held at the church . How well I remember Dad buttoning our coats , placing us all on our long , homemade sleigh and pulling us to the church about a mile away . It was snowing . How cold and good it felt on our faces . We held tight to one another , and above the crunch of snow beneath Dad 's feet we could hear him softly whistling " Silent Night . " Mama had died that previous summer . She had been confined to bed for three years , so Dad had assumed all mother and father responsibilities . I remember him standing me on a stool by our big round kitchen table and teaching me to mix bread . But my main task was being Mama 's hands and feet until that day in June , her own birthday , when she died . Two months later came the big fire . Our barns , sheds , haystacks and livestock were destroyed . It was a calamity , but dad stood between us and the disaster . We weren 't even aware of how poor we were . We had no money at all . I don 't remember much about the Christmas Eve Social . I just remember Dad pulling us there and pulling us back . Later , in the front room around our pot - bellied stove , he served us warm milk and bread . Our Christmas tree , topped by a little worn cardboard angel , had been brought from the nearby hills . Strings of our home - grown popcorn made it the most beautiful tree I had ever seen or smelled . After supper , Dad made all seven of us sit in a half circle by the tree . I remember I wore a long flannel nightgown . He sat on the floor facing us and told us that he was ready to give us our Christmas gift . We waited , puzzled , because we thought Christmas presents were for Christmas morning . Dad looked at our expectant faces . " Long ago , " he said , " on a night like this , some poor shepherds were watching their sheep on a lonely hillside , when all of a sudden . . . " His quiet voice went on and on , telling the story of the Christ Child in his own simple words . And I 'll never forget how love and gratitude seemed to fill the room . There was light from the oil lamp and warmth from the stove , but somehow it was more than that . We felt Mama 's presence . We learned that loving someone was far more important than having something . We were filled with peace and happiness and joy . When the story ended Dad had us all kneel for a family prayer . Then he said , " Try to remember , when everything else seems to be lost , the greatest thing of all remains : God 's love for us . That 's the gift that can never be taken away . " Comments let me know that someone is reading this ! ! Let me know what you think . If you want to contact me directly send an email to rozylass ( at ) gmail ( dot ) com . |
The Wise Men , having laid their gifts before the Christ Child , returned home . But not by the same route . According to St . Matthew , " Being warned in a dream that they should not return to Herod , they departed into their own country by another way . " Once we have found Bethlehem , bowed down before the Master and surrendered our lives in service to Him , He tops our offering with an incomparable gift of His own . The Wise Men brought Him the world 's riches - - gold , frankincense and myrrh . He gave them in exchange something priceless : a vision of life more abundant - - one which they could claim that very day . He will do the same for you and me right now . I knew that Homer had wanted canyon boots for as long as I could remember . He was eleven , and I ten , and we had spent many nights under the blue quilts at the cabin talking about how great it would be to have some real boots - - boots that would climb through thorny bushes ; that would ward off rattlesnakes ; that would nudge the ribs of the pony . We had planned the kind of leather they should be and what kind of decoration they should have . But we both knew it was just talk . The depression had been hard on Father 's business , and even shoes for school were usually half - soled hand - me - downs . Christmas that year had promised , as always , to be exciting , though mainly because of the handmade things we 'd worked on in school for our parents . We never had money to spend on each other , but we had caught early in our lives a sort of contagion from our mother . She loved to give , and her anticipation of the joy that a just right gift would bring to someone , infected our whole household . We were swept up in breathless waiting to see how others would like what we had to give . Secrecy ruled - - open exaggerated secrecy , as we made and hid our gifts . The only one whose hiding place we never discovered was my Grandmother 's . Her gifts seemed to materialize by magic on Christmas morning and were always more expensive than they should have been . That Christmas I was glowing because Mother had been so happy with the parchment lamp shade I 'd made in the fourth grade , and Father had raved over the clay jewelry case I had molded and baked for him . Gill and Emma Lou had been pleased with the figures I had whittled out of clothespins , and Homer had liked the Scout pin I had bargained for with my flint . Then Grandma started to pass out her presents . Mine was heavy and square . I had been in the hospital that year and then on crutches , and I had wondered how it would be to have an erector set to build with . Grandma had a knack at reading boy 's minds , and I was sure that 's what it was . But it wasn 't . It was a pair of boots , brown tangy - smelling leather boots . I looked quickly to Homer 's package . His was a sweater . He had needed one all fall . I wanted to cover my box before he saw what it was . I did not want the boots ; they should have been his . He came toward me asking to see , and I started to say , " I 'm sorry brother . " And it came to pass , as the angels were gone away from them into heaven , the shepherds said one to another , Let us now go even unto Bethlehem , and see this thing which is come to pass , which the Lord hath made known unto us . And they came with haste , and found Mary , and Joseph , and the babe lying in a manger . Luke 2 : 15 , 16 We arrived in Provo on a cold December night . All our belongings were packed in the back of a rental truck . Our nerves were on edge from the tiring trip . Six months pregnant , I was feeling the effects of cleaning , packing , and traveling ; our 15 - month - old daughter , Shawna , was tired and crying . A blast of cold air greeted us as we opened the door to our home . The electricity and water had been turned on , but for some reason the natural gas had not . Too exhausted to do anything else , we put a mattress on the floor with an electric blanket to keep us warm and tried to sleep with our daughter between us . She ended up crying most of the night , so when morning came we were almost as tired as when we had gone to bed . When I unpacked our electric frying pan , I decided to heat water in it to wash out the cupboards . As I turned on the faucet of the kitchen sink , the faucet came off and water shot up into the air . I tried to turn off the water valve under the sink but could not get it to turn . Frantically , I searched for the water shutoff valve for the house . By the time I found it , the kitchen and living room were flooded . As I desperately started moving boxes out of the water , Shawna sensed my panic and began to scream . Carrying her with one arm , I continued to try to lift boxes with the other . It was then that I started into premature labor . Now I was truly panicked . I didn 't know anyone in the neighborhood , and I didn 't even have a phone to call for help . Desperately I prayed , " Heavenly Father , please help me ! " I 'll never forget answering a knock that soon came at the door . The woman standing there was shivering , with soap suds up to her elbows . She introduced herself as Amalia Van Tassel , the branch Relief Society president ; and told me the Spirit had sent her . Amalia made me lie down , comforted Shawna , cleaned up all she could , and invited our family to dinner . She brought light , safety , and comfort into that dark December day . Rest stopped my premature labor , Ken returned with the gas man , and fixed the sink , and portable electric heaters dried the soaked carpet . Mother said that she had purchased a wind - up train for Widow Hansen 's boy , Mark , who lived down the lane at Gale Street . As I looked at his train , I noted a tanker car which I much admired . I put up such a fuss that my mother succumbed to my pleading and gave me the tanker car . I put it with my train set and felt pleased . Mother and I took the remaining cars and the engine down to Mark Hansen . The young boy was a year or two older than I . He had never anticipated such a gift . He was thrilled beyond words . He wound the key in his engine , it not being electric , nor expensive like mine , and was overjoyed as the engine and three cars , plus a caboose went around the track . I felt a horrible sense of guilt as I returned home . The tanker car no longer appealed to me . Suddenly , I took the tank car in my hand , plus an additional car of my own and ran all the way down to Gale Street and proudly announced to Mark , " We forgot to bring two cars which belong to your train . " Every Christmas , in celebration of the Savoir 's birth , our family selects an individual or family to surprise with anonymous gifts . A few years ago we chose a family in our ward with three little children . We knew they were struggling financially , so we decided to buy them a few small toys and groceries for Christmas dinner , and leave it on their doorstep . However , each time I went shopping for those things , I felt troubled . When my husband asked me one night why I hadn 't bought the gifts , I shrugged and told him I didn 't know , that I just didn 't feel good about it . One afternoon a week before Christmas as I was driving past our bank , I was impressed to get a $ 100 bill . I immediately went into the bank to get one . When my husband came home from work that night , I told him what I 'd done . Naturally , he wanted to know what we were supposed to do with it , but I didn 't know . Later that evening as we were eating dinner , I suddenly felt the money should go to the home of the family we had chosen to surprise with Christmas gifts . I asked my son to go with me to deliver the money . We left it in an envelope on their doorstep , rang the doorbell and ran . We heard nothing about it in the ensuing days and soon forgot about it . A year passed , during which the family moved away . Then , just before Christmas , the family visited our ward , and the sister stood to bear her testimony in Relief Society . She had a strong testimony of tithing , she said , and went on to explain that about a year ago , a week before Christmas , she and her husband had gone to tithing settlement , where they discovered they were $ 100 short . To be full - tithe payers they would need to pay it that night . She and her husband looked at each other in dismay . The only money they had was $ 100 they had worked hard to save for a Christmas celebration with their children . Since it was the only money they could spare , they gave it to the Bishop . Through tears the sister related that they had gone from tithing settlement to home , only to find an envelop with a $ 100 bill in it on their doorstep . Her heart overflowed then with gratitude toward an understanding Heavenly Father . It was a Christmas she said she would never forget , and the gift she received that year was one that would stay with her always . Shepherds tending their flocks were startled by a radiant burst of light as " an angel of the Lord came upon them , and the glory of the Lord shone round about them " ( Luke 2 : 9 ) . Understandably , they were terror - stricken , but once again the angel spoke his reassuring words : " Fear not . " Then he gave them the " good tidings of great joy " that have been at the heart of Christmas ever since . Is there a message for all of us here ? We think there is , and it is this : Don 't be satisfied merely to hear about Jesus . Arise and seek him yourself . Go in search of Him " with haste " until you stand in His Presence , and then when you have found Him , tell others about your discovery , just as the shepherds did . And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field , keeping watch over their flock by night . And , lo , the angel of the Lord came upon them , and the glory of the Lord shone round about them : and they were sore afraid . And the angel said unto them , Fear not : for , behold , I bring you good tidings of great joy , which shall be to all people . For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour , which is Christ the Lord . Luke 2 : 8 - 11 How like another Christmas night , I thought . God gave an identical Gift to all men 2 , 000 years ago . Some merely observed it with faint curiosity , some only commented on it - - but some received it with rejoicing and hurried to share it with others . And Joseph also went up from Galilee , out of the city of Nazareth , into Judaea , unto the city of David , which is called Bethlehem ; ( because he was of the house and lineage of David ) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife , being great with child . And so it was , that , while they were there , the days were accomplished that she should be delivered . And she brought forth her firstborn son , and wrapped him in swaddling clothes , and laid him in a manger ; because there was no room for them in the inn . Luke 2 : 4 - 7 For many years now , whenever Christmas pageants are talked about in a certain little town in the Midwest , someone is sure to mention the name of Wallace Purling . Wally 's performance in one annual production of the nativity play has slipped into the realm of legend . But old - timers who were in the audience that night never tire of recalling exactly what happened . Wally was nine that year and in the second grade , though he should have been in the fourth . Most people in town knew he had difficulty in keeping up . He was big and clumsy , slow in movement and mind . Still , Wally was well liked by the other children in his class , all of whom were smaller than he , though the boys had trouble hiding their irritation when Wally would ask to play ball with them , or any game , for that matter , in which winning was important . Most often they 'd find a way to keep him out , but Wally would hang around anyway , not sulking , just hoping . He was always a helpful boy , a willing and smiling one , and the natural protector of the underdog . Sometimes if the older boys chased the younger ones away , it would always be Wally who 'd say , " Can 't they stay ? They 're not a bother . " And so it happened that the usual large , partisan audience gathered for the town 's yearly extravaganza of beards , crowns , halos , and a whole stage full of squeaky voices . No one on stage or off was more caught up in the magic of the night than Wallace Purling . They said later that he stood in the wings and watched the performance with such fascination that from time to time Miss Lumbard had to make sure he didn 't wander on stage before his cue . Then the time came when Joseph appeared , slowly , tenderly guiding Mary to the door of the inn . Joseph knocked hard on the wooden door set into the painted backdrop . Wally the Innkeeper was there , waiting . " Please , good Innkeeper , this is my wife , Mary . She is heavy with child and needs a place to rest . Surely you must have some small corner for her . She is so tired . " Joseph sadly placed his arm around Mary , and Mary laid her head upon her husband 's shoulder and the two of them started to move away . The innkeeper did not return inside his inn , however . Wally stood there in the doorway , watching the forlorn couple . His mouth was open , his brow creased with concern , his eyes filling unmistakably with tears . " Don 't go , Joseph ! " Wally called out . " Bring Mary back . " And Wallace Purling 's face grew into a bright smile . " You can have my room . " And I looked and beheld the virgin again , bearing a child in her arms . And the angel said unto me : Behold the Lamb of God , yea , even the Son of the Eternal Father ! . . . And I looked and I beheld the Son of God going forth among the children of men ; and I saw many fall down at his feet and worship him . 1 Nephi 11 : 20 , 21 , 24 When I was about three or four years old , my mother was the ward Relief Society President . Part of her responsibility , it seemed , was to always have a quilt in progress in our home . Sisters would filter in and out of our basement at any given time to quilt for a while . Often my mother would thread a needle for me and let me " quilt " with the sisters ( my clumsy stitches were patiently removed when I was not around ) . I relished these moments and learned at a young age to love the quilting bee and the Relief Society . My mother died suddenly when I was only five . It wasn 't until years later that I found she had left me a great gift of love . The Christmas of my nineteenth year is one I will always remember , for that was when I received this most precious gift from my mother , although she had passed away fourteen years before . When I turned nineteen , my older sister felt it was time to complete the quilts for my brother and me and asked a ward Relief Society to finish them . These sisters sewed the intricate stitches without knowing how much it would have pleased my mother . When I received the quilt on Christmas Day , I loved the gift with all my heart , but I had no idea how much more it would yet come to mean to me . Years went by , and I married and started a family of my own . I kept my quilt wrapped in a plastic bag in a drawer for fear something would happen to it . One day I took it out and was carefully admiring it when one of my little boys came into the room and asked where I got the quilt . I explained to him that his Grandma Brown had made the quilt for me before she died . " Who is Grandma Brown ? " my young son asked . How it pained me that my children had never known the mother whom I cherished , that she was not able to put her arms around them and tell them she loved them in her tender , gentle way . I explained to my son once again that Grandma Brown , my mother , was someone special in heaven who loved him . " Why do you have that quilt , Mommy ? he asked . Suddenly it came to me . I knew exactly why I had the quilt . I unfolded it and wrapped it around his little body . " I have this quilt so Grandma Brown can give you hugs even though she is in heaven , " I said . A big smile spread across his face , and I could see that this was the best answer I could have given him . Since that time the quilt has made its way out of the drawer much more often . Whenever a family member is hurt , sad , or in need of extra love , the quilt is a great source of comfort . To me , it is still the greatest gift I could ask for . I love touching the quilt , knowing my mother 's hands have touched it also . Many years have passed , and I can now quilt correctly . My sisters and I have spent many hours around quilting frames talking about our mother . Since I am the youngest , my sisters tell me stories about her to help me know her better . Yet no matter how many stories I hear , nothing has helped me or my children turn our hearts to my mother more than the quilt I got for Christmas the year I turned nineteen . As I started toward the scene of his latest mischief , he turned toward me with wide blue eyes filling and a single tear starting down his cherubic check . Then I saw it . A carefully folded tissue had been tenderly placed over the small ceramic infant . Ten years have passed , and the tiny Nativity has been replaced with a much larger one . But this year , as every year , I found a carefully folded tissue covering the baby Jesus . I think I know who did it , and I hope he never stops . And it came to pass that there was no darkness in all that night , but it was as light as though it was mid - day . And it came to pass that the sun did rise in the morning again , according to its proper order ; and they knew that it was the day that the Lord should be born , because of the sing which had been given . 3 Nephi 1 : 19 The woman standing in cashier Jeffrey Kandt 's line seemed to be living on the edge of subsistence . Her clothes were worn ; her hands were those of a person who 'd worked hard for what she had . She held a single item in her arms as she patiently waited to move to the front of the line . Her son would get the one present he had asked for : a Sony PlayStation2 . She had saved all year for this ; with tax , the total would be close to $ 220 . As Kandt scanned the game player 's barcode into his register , the woman panicked . Where was her money ? It wasn 't where she remembered putting it earlier in the day . Her fear became palpable to the customers in line behind her as she started to cry . Why my line ? Kandt thought as he watched the frantic woman search through her clothes . He was going to have to call his manager to void the sale and return the game player to a locked shelf . He 'd have to shutdown his checkout line and wait for her to come from another part of the crowded store - - not something that any store manager or cashier wants on Christmas Eve , not with people waiting and the clock ticking down to closing time . I 'm going to be late for church , Kandt thought . And then an amazing thing happened . At the back of the line , a man took out his wallet , pulled out $ 100 and passed it forward . As the cash moved up the line , a twenty dollar bill was added here , a ten dollar bill there . Someone threw in a bunch of ones dug from the bottom of a jeans pocket . He said , " My brother and his wife and their family are coming from Germany . They are going to live in your ward . Will you come with me to see the apartment we have rented for them ? " On the way to that apartment he told me he had not seen his brother for something like thirty years . Yet all through the holocaust of World War II , his brother , Hans Guertler , had been faithful to the Church - - an officer in the Hamburg branch . I looked at that apartment . It was cold ; it was dreary ; the paint was peeling from the walls ; the cupboards were bare . What an uninviting home for the Christmas season of the year ! I worried about it and I prayed about it , and then in our ward welfare committee meeting , we did something about it . You should have seen the Christmas scene when the Guertler family arrived from Germany in clothing which was tattered and with faces which were drawn by the rigors of war and deprivation ! As they went into their apartment they saw what had been in actual fact a transformation - - a beautiful home . We spontaneously began singing " Silent Night ! Holy Night ! All is calm ; all is bright . " We sang in English , they sang in German . At the conclusion of that hymn Hans Guertler threw his arms around my neck , buried his face in my shoulder , and repeated over and over again those words which I shall never forget : " Mein brudder , mein brudder , mein brudder . " And the angel said unto her , Fear not , Mary : for thou hast found favour with God . And , behold , thou shalt conceive in thy womb , and bring forth a son , and shalt call his name JESUS . He shall be great , and shall be called the Son of the Highest : and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David : And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever , and of his kingdom there shall be no end . Luke 1 : 30 - 33 It was a cold , bone - chilling December day in 1988 in San Luis Obispo , California . Stricken with a rare neuromuscular disorder , I struggled with rigid muscles in my abdomen and legs . The cold aggravated my symptoms . Walking was painful and difficult , and celebrating Christmas in the manner I desired would be impossible . After our children departed for the bus stop , I hobbled out to the mailbox to slip some letters under its sodden wooden top . A crumpled , damp envelope already protruded from under the lid . As I pulled it out to add to my stack of letters , I glanced at the address . To my surprise scrawled across the front was " To Santa , From Sarah . " Sarah was our nine - year - old daughter , a sensitive and loving child who cared deeply for those around her . The thought occurred to me that this might be my chance to see what she really wanted for Christmas . I opened her envelope and read : " Dear Santa , I am nine years old and all I want is this . My mother has been very sick and has not been able to walk , and I am hoping you can get her better for Christmas . That 's all I want . Love , Sarah . " During the following years , Sarah never ceased praying that I would be made well . After more than six years , a breakthrough in medical technology placed me soundly back on my feet and eliminated my need for either a cane or wheelchair . Sarah knelt in prayer to express her deep gratitude to Heavenly Father . With wind howling down from the Cascade Mountains , December 1969 was bitterly cold and snowy in Wenatchee , Washington . As a single mother , I and my children struggled just to stay warm and fed . I worked at minimum - wage jobs and attended nursing school , and often I went two or three days without eating at the end of the month to give the children more food . At times even the children went to bed hungry , and none of us had adequate winter clothing . Wendell was in grade school , Brent was in preschool , and my three year old twins , Michael and Michelle , stayed with a state - paid babysitter while I was gone . Just four months before , Wendell and I had joined the church , and as a result my parents , brothers , and sisters wanted nothing to do with us . With the holidays approaching we really had no one to turn to for help ; as a new convert , I didn 't know I could ask my bishop . Ten days before Christmas , after a great deal of whispering among themselves , my children approached me one evening while I was studying . Nine - year - old Wendell tugged my sleeve and asked , " Mama , when are we going to get a Christmas tree and some presents ? " Brent piped up and asked , " Or are we going to Grandma and Grandpa 's for Christmas this year ? " For the next few days the children seemed somber . They often stood by the front window and looked out at passers - by and neighboring festive houses . While their playmates bubbled with excitement about the presents and goodies being prepared in their homes , my children quietly accepted the fact that no packages or decorations or other signs of Christmas were appearing in our house . The party was the first real Christmas flavor to come into my children 's lives that year . I don 't know what they talked with Santa about , but they appreciated his gifts of candy and oranges , and their spirits seemed much uplifted afterward . Buoyed by my children 's renewed enthusiasm , I used their watercolors to paint a Santa face on our front window . Now we had some decorations . When Christmas Eve arrived , I had only $ 1 . 25 in my purse . We walked to the grocery store , where I bought each child two tangerines and the cashier handed them each a large candy cane . Along with the story of Jesus ' birth , that would be the extent of our Christmas . As we rounded the corner on our way home , Wendell shouted , " Hey , Santa came ! " The other children echoed his cries upon seeing a beautifully decorated Christmas tree on our porch . Mounting the steps , we saw two large boxes , previously hidden from view , placed next to the tree . One box was full of food , and the other was full of presents . I could hardly believe my eyes . Wendell plugged in the Christmas tree lights as soon as we moved the tree inside , and the children pinched and shook each present as they set it under the tree . Their eyes were full of wonder . Next we unpacked the food in the kitchen . The children had never seen so much in one place except at the grocery store . Even Wendell couldn 't remember having a whole turkey in the house . I fixed the children a special Christmas Eve supper . Afterwards we sat around the Christmas tree and enjoyed the lights while I read the story of the birth of Jesus . " We have a lot to thank Heavenly Father for tonight , " I said . We knelt in a circle and said a prayer of gratitude . When we opened the presents the next morning , each child received exactly what he or she had wanted . In addition , each child got a warm outfit , gloves and mittens , and money for boots . Someone had made clothes for the doll my daughter received . The food was enough to last us several weeks beyond Christmas . I may never know who played Santa that year or how they knew what the children wanted . Everyone in our ward denied involvement , but I 'm certain it was some of them . I 'll always remember that Christmas as the best of my life , and my grown - up children feel the same way . We felt the Spirit of Christ that day more than we ever had before and realized that our Savior does watch over his children . I was one of 14 children in my family , and we lived in a farming town . We were very poor as far as worldly goods are concerned , though I didn 't know it then . A family in our town was even poorer than we were . Their mother had died , and the father was working away from home , leaving the older children to care for the younger ones . I had three presents - - a doll , a necklace , and an article of clothing . What a hard decision it was for me ! I needed the clothing and I wanted the doll badly , but the necklace was so pretty and sparkly . After a time , I reluctantly dropped the necklace into the box . The next Sunday , I saw the necklace around the neck of a girl my age from that family . She excitedly told me that Santa had left a box of gifts for them on Christmas night . Of course , my parents had sworn us to secrecy . Dad had told us that giving anonymously was the best part of giving . But at my young age I can 't say it felt that good to see what had been my necklace on someone else 's neck . Though it wasn 't an easy lesson then , I now realize the great impact this experience has had on my life . As a child I thought my father was asking me to give up a gift , but later I understood that he was actually giving me one of the most precious gifts I 've ever received . I think of how much he must have loved me , to teach me that loving someone is far more important than having something . My father 's showing his love in this way has helped me understand the love of our Heavenly Father , who presented us the greatest gift of all when He gave His only begotten Son . To my disappointment , however , as a young adult I still had not seen the fulfillment of that dream . Instead , my time and energy during Christmas were being spent on my work as a school teacher and on various holiday related activities . As my involvement in these activities increased and my to - do list grew longer , I felt more and more overwhelmed . In the middle of the chaos came a request from a friend for our young single adult group to sing at a local nursing home . It was to be a family home evening presentation for the elderly patients there . I must admit that I didn 't really want to go , but I halfheartedly consented anyway . A group of patients in wheelchairs had been gathered together in a cold , sterile room . A woman with silver hair and a tremulous voice opened our family home evening with prayer . She petitioned our Heavenly Father and sincerely and humbly said , " We thank Thee for all of our many blessings . " Blessings ? I was puzzled by the thought . How could she see her world of wheelchairs , bedpans , hospital food , lonely days and nights , dependency , crippled limbs , and faded youth as blessings ? The woman finished the prayer , and my thoughts were filled with wonder at her expression of gratitude . Slippered feet tapped on foot rests , gnarled fingers kept time , and smiles appeared at the sound of the familiar melodies . Their expressions mirrored ours as we sang of Christmas delights and heavenly gifts . Something warm and magical gradually seemed to fill the room . My view of Christmas and of life began to change that night . For one moment I could see that I didn 't need to worry so much about what I felt was lacking in my own life . I sensed that within the withered physical bodies of those to whom we had sung , were spirits filled with happiness , gratitude , and God 's love . No matter the person 's age or station in life , a portion of that love and happiness was there , if only I had eyes to see , ears to hear , and a heart to fill - - with gratitude . It was my last Christmas in the Brazil Rio de Janeiro North Mission . I would soon be returning home , and I was happy about the Christmas season . My companion , Elder Barney , was an American who had been in Brazil for only a short time . He was fighting homesickness . We had been working hard , but we still weren 't sure how to celebrate Christmas . We hoped a family would invite us to spend Christmas with them , and eventually one family did . However , I wondered about some of the other missionaries in our area . On our next trip to Vitoria , my companion and I learned that Elder Jones and Elder Junot didn 't have any Christmas plans . I thought , These elders are my family while I 'm on my mission . We can 't leave them alone on Christmas . The four of us decided we would spend Christmas together . On Christmas Eve I recorded my feelings in my journal : " Today is the twenty - fourth of December . It has rained a lot , and I see that my companion is sadder . He says he misses the symbols of Christmas he is used to seeing in his country - - snow , music , trees , and decorations . I can imagine how hard his Christmas will be since he is so far away from his family , his people , and his customs . The rain continues to fall , but it is lighter now . " On the bus trip to Vitoria we could see people hurrying to make their Christmas purchases . We went by a house illuminated with colored lights . Children played in the gardens . Tears filled my eyes , and I could not speak to my companion because I knew I would cry . He seemed to be crying silently . For Elder Junot , Elder Jones , and me this Christmas was our last on the mission . But it was Elder Barney 's first , and I didn 't know how to console him . During the trip , I cried several times , but concealed it . And my companion concealed his tears from me . We got off the bus and went to the other missionaries ' apartment . We put our money together , and Elder Juno and Elder Jones went out to make the purchases . After they returned with the food , we set the table with a white tablecloth and napkins and placed Christmas cards on it for decoration . But even this didn 't seem to lift our spirits . Seeing this , Elder Jones suggested we get out our hymnbooks and sing hymns to the Lord . We sang one , then one more and then another . And we sang louder each time . I wanted the neighborhood to hear our singing and know that we were worshiping the Lord . We started to feel the Spirit of the Lord . When Elder Barney shared his testimony , he explained , " I was missing the things that are familiar to me - - the snow , the Christmas tree , the turkey , the Christmas music of my country . I forgot to be concerned about the Son of God born in a manger . " We had tears in our eyes , for the Spirit testified in our hearts that we had worshiped the Creator of the day . We thanked the Lord for all He had given us . Around five o ' clock one morning , Judy Markovitz was awakened by the shattering of glass . " My husband and I ran downstairs and saw our window had been broken and the menorah was on the floor . The frame was shattered . They must have used a bat . Whoever did it had to squeeze behind bushes to reach it . " For the Markovitz family it was an assault compounded by personal history . " Both of my parents were in the camps at Auschwitz ; my husband 's mother was there also , " explained Judy , who came to America in 1974 . " All of my mother 's family died . There are things we don 't talk about , but I know older people like her have a need to feel safe , so I didn 't tell her much about this . And I tried to isolate my children from it too . " One of those neighbors , Lisa Keeling , now living in North Carolina , explained their thinking . " I know a menorah represents a miracle by our God before our faith was known as Christianity . I know of the king who told the Jews they couldn 't practice their religion . When they reclaimed Jerusalem and saw the Temple had been desecrated , they wanted to reconsecrate it , but found only a tiny bit of oil , enough for a night . They decided to use it anyway and it burned eight nights . Vicky Markovitz , Judy 's daughter , now 18 , remembers those glowing windows as an affirmation of the compassion and community . " It was as if they said , ' If you break their windows , you will have to break ours . ' " And the light spread . The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness , Prepare ye the way of the Lord , Make straight in the desert a highway for our God . Every valley shall be exalted , and every mountain and hill shall be made low : and the crooked shall be made straight , ad the rough places plain : And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed . . . . Micah 5 : 2 He hesitated , and Paul knew what he was going to wish . He was going to wish he had a brother like that . But what the lad said jarred Paul all the way down to his heels . Paul smiled a little . He thought he knew what the lad wanted . He wanted to show his neighbors that he could ride home in a big automobile . But Paul was wrong again . " Will you stop right where those steps are ? " the boy asked . He ran up the steps . Then in a little while Paul heard him coming back , but he was not coming fast . He was carrying his little polio - crippled brother . He sat down on the bottom step , then sort of squeezed up right against him and pointed at the car . I chuckled to myself as I picked up one of the seven red stockings lying nearby on my mission companion 's bed . " Who are these for ? " I asked , trying not to laugh . " They 're . . . really nice , " I said with some apprehension . Elder Johnson and I had been assigned to serve in the town of Muskegon , Michigan . The Winkles were a choice investigator family scheduled to be baptized on Christmas Day , and in all honesty I felt sheepish delivering these cute little stockings with hand - embroidered gold lettering . Still feeling uneasy with this idea , I nevertheless decided to go along with it for fear of offending my creative companion . Our month had been filled with preparing this family for baptism , and now the day of their interviews had arrived at last , Christmas Eve . Everything was ready , or so we thought . Arriving at the Winkle home , we immediately sensed something was wrong . As I interviewed Brother Winkle privately , he told me that the children had been quarreling all morning and that everyone in the family was on edge . Some of the older children had even expressed doubts about being baptized . Upon returning to the family we encountered negative feelings . With heavy hearts and deep concern we slowly walked home . Our apartment seemed quiet and gloomy that Christmas Eve . Hours passed as we sat in silent depression . Finally Elder Johnson broke the silence as he pulled out the paper bag filled with the stockings and candy . Elder Johnson slipped the brown paper bag inside the screen door . Quietly we turned away and headed for home . How difficult it was for two young , inexperienced elders who loved a family so dearly to simply walk away . Snowflakes began to fall and we knew it was going to be a while Christmas . We were awakened the next morning by the sound of snow shovels and the voices of children outside our window . " Merry Christmas , elders ! " the Winkle children called to us as we opened our door . " We wanted to shovel your walks for you and also tell you that our whole family is ready to be baptized . Our parents want to know if you can come over right away ! " We dressed and ran to the Winkle home . Sister Winkle greeted us warmly and apologized for all that had happened the day before . " Baptism is such a big step in our lives . " She paused , then pointed to the seven red stockings hanging by the fireplace . " Those , " she said with emotion , " are what took away our fears and doubts . You see , elders , I was so touched by the love you showed our family yesterday - - despite the way we acted - - that I just couldn 't put it out of my mind . I finally said a silent prayer and asked the Lord to let me know , just one more time , if the message you brought was true . As I prayed , I said , ' Heavenly Father , if the elders are really thy messengers , send them back today even though we asked them not to return . ' " Well , hours passed , and I kept hoping you would come , but you did not . At midnight I gave up hope and decided that my answer was that I shouldn 't get baptized . It was then I went to turn off the porch light and noticed the brown bag in the screen door . When I opened it and realized it was from you , I began to cry . You had come back . I woke up the family , and together we read your testimonies and Christmas wishes . We shared a spirit of love and unity unlike anything we had known before and we knew it was time to be baptized . " As the years pass and Christmas memories fade , one Christmas stands above the rest . The year was 1918 . There was a terrible flu going around in Logan , Utah , and my father was stricken . As there were no antibiotics in those days , we waited for the change that would mean life or death . Because of my father 's illness , Mother told us there would be no money for Christmas gifts that year . My brother and sisters and I secretly decided to do something special for our parents to show them how much they were loved . Oh , if only we could buy them special gifts ! We decided we would each look for a job to earn money and then pool our savings . Henry , my older brother , found a job selling Christmas trees , chopping wood , and cleaning walks . Carmen did housework for others , and Luella , who was a fast knitter , made and sold her handiwork . I baby - sat for a mother down the street . Only Marie was too young to work . She just looked forward to Christmas . The day before Christmas was a crisp , wintry day . A thick blanket of snow covered the streets , and the stores were full of shoppers . We all gathered in my sister 's bedroom and counted our money . We had just enough to buy Father a warm robe and Marie a doll buggy . But what about Mother ? What could we get or do for her , and where would we get the extra money ? We needed Heavenly Father 's help so as brother and sisters we knelt down and prayed with all the fervor we could muster . And then we remembered : there was an almost - full book of green stamps from Christensen 's Department Store , and the completed books could be redeemed for merchandise . We hurried downtown and found the robe for Father and the wicker buggy for Marie , which we purchased at Christensen 's store . We received only a few stamps for our purchases , however , so we still lacked enough to fill the book . Carmen was walking through the store when a woman near the counter dropped her stamps . Carmen bent over , picked them up and handed them back to her . Would we ? We were overjoyed ! Now we could buy a gift for our mother . We found a small table for just one book of stamps , but it was too heavy to carry home . We asked the clerk if it could be delivered that night , but she told us the delivery truck had already left . We must have looked very sad because she offered to contact the driver and see if he would deliver the table after hours . That night , for the first time in weeks , Father seemed better and even wanted to join us for the festivities . The temperature was below freezing outside , bur we were blanketed with a warmth of love for each other . We made chains of popcorn , colored paper , and cranberries for our tree , and the spicy smell of baked cookies and pies filled the air . Friends and family dropped by , and we sang our favorite Christmas songs and shared our treats . Mother gave us all small gifts of knitted mittens , hard candy , and stockings , but still her gift had not arrived . What if it did not come ? Then there was a knock at the door and someone shouted " Merry Christmas ! " The delivery man was there with Mother 's table . We jumped up and down and cheered , and Mother had tears in her eyes . It should have been the worst , the bleakest of Christmases . It turned out to be the loveliest of all my life . I was nine years old , one of seven children , and we lived in a little farming town in Utah . It had been a tragic year for all of us . But we still had our father , and that made all the difference . Every year in our town , A Christmas Eve Social was held at the church . How well I remember Dad buttoning our coats , placing us all on our long , homemade sleigh and pulling us to the church about a mile away . It was snowing . How cold and good it felt on our faces . We held tight to one another , and above the crunch of snow beneath Dad 's feet we could hear him softly whistling " Silent Night . " Mama had died that previous summer . She had been confined to bed for three years , so Dad had assumed all mother and father responsibilities . I remember him standing me on a stool by our big round kitchen table and teaching me to mix bread . But my main task was being Mama 's hands and feet until that day in June , her own birthday , when she died . Two months later came the big fire . Our barns , sheds , haystacks and livestock were destroyed . It was a calamity , but dad stood between us and the disaster . We weren 't even aware of how poor we were . We had no money at all . I don 't remember much about the Christmas Eve Social . I just remember Dad pulling us there and pulling us back . Later , in the front room around our pot - bellied stove , he served us warm milk and bread . Our Christmas tree , topped by a little worn cardboard angel , had been brought from the nearby hills . Strings of our home - grown popcorn made it the most beautiful tree I had ever seen or smelled . After supper , Dad made all seven of us sit in a half circle by the tree . I remember I wore a long flannel nightgown . He sat on the floor facing us and told us that he was ready to give us our Christmas gift . We waited , puzzled , because we thought Christmas presents were for Christmas morning . Dad looked at our expectant faces . " Long ago , " he said , " on a night like this , some poor shepherds were watching their sheep on a lonely hillside , when all of a sudden . . . " His quiet voice went on and on , telling the story of the Christ Child in his own simple words . And I 'll never forget how love and gratitude seemed to fill the room . There was light from the oil lamp and warmth from the stove , but somehow it was more than that . We felt Mama 's presence . We learned that loving someone was far more important than having something . We were filled with peace and happiness and joy . When the story ended Dad had us all kneel for a family prayer . Then he said , " Try to remember , when everything else seems to be lost , the greatest thing of all remains : God 's love for us . That 's the gift that can never be taken away . " Comments let me know that someone is reading this ! ! Let me know what you think . If you want to contact me directly send an email to rozylass ( at ) gmail ( dot ) com . |
Trixie was my first dog . Strictly speaking , of course , she wasn 't my dog , as she was part of the household before I was . She was my grandfathers fox terrier cross and he was the one who walked her . He was the one who she followed around and idolised . All the same when I see my arm round her , hugging her close , and the look on my face in the second photo I have no doubt whose dog I thought she was at the time . Trixie had a very different life to my later dogs . She had the life of the farm dog which she would have been a few years earlier , living on scraps and sleeping in the wash house outside at night . She was always warm , well fed and comfortable but there were no frills . I don 't remember her ever going to the vets . When she became too old and frail after a long , healthy and active life , and failed to come out of the wash house one morning because she was too weak to stand , my grandfather announced " Her back ends gone " and she was shot and buried in the back garden . The half remembered love that I felt for her remains in my passion for fox terriers , a dog which my partner is , sadly , never going to allow me to have . I was told that I could choose our next dog , but it didn 't quite work out that way . I wanted a Bassett Hound , but this suggestion was firmly turned down on the grounds that its ears would trail on the ground . To this day I still think that reason ridiculous but I was still only in my early teens so I had to accept it . Our Beagle Candy was a compromise . Her main passion in life was food and as she got older the Yorkshire puddings which she spent Sunday lunchtime barking for and sundry other treats made her fat . We told each other that her mother and grandmother had also been fat , which was true but it was still an excuse for the over indulgence which she was only too pleased to accept . With hindsight possibly the household continued to provide the scraps which our previous dog Trixie had always had , scraps which would have been more than enough to keep her going and my insistence that dogs had to have dog food might have been better ignored . I also insisted that dogs had to have immunisations and visit the vets when they were ill and my teenage stubbornness won out - combined with the fact that my mothers work in the fields potato picking had paid for our first pedigree dog and so she was seen to have value . Candy was stubborn , affectionate and always ready to follow her nose . She would power her way through the privet hedge and set off on a scent and I would be sent out to fetch her back . She always followed the same route so this wasn 't too hard . I did try to train her , I really did , but she didn 't share my enthusiasm and we never got far . You can see a certain steely determination in her eyes in these photos , a look that I remember well . She was happiest down the river on long walks with my dad when all you could see was the white tip of her tail waving in long grass a hundred yards away . Gemma was the first dog that I chose completely for myself . We spent a lot of time on our own together , I took her down to Holkham beach and Sea Palling regularly and I would walk or read while she explored . She was quite calm and well behaved but when she was out she loved to run around in circles on the sand making a massive jump each time she went past me and yelping for sheer joy . She did quite well at training classes but neither of us could be bothered with the attention to detail needed in order to compete . She used to run next to me when I was on my bike and we both loved going to rehearsals together and visiting friends . I used to brush her and put talcum powder in her paws and white legs to smarten them up first . She loved going in the car and I would always let her jump in even if I was just going down the road . My best memories of my time with Gemma come from the holiday when the photograph was taken . I packed a box full of books and we went up to Islay and the Lake District . Lots of walking , reading and exploring and perfect weather the whole time . When Hal died at the early age of eight and a half I told everybody that he was my special dog . Many people who were older were immediately able to tell me about their special dog . There was always one who had meant more to them than the others , however much they had all been loved . Hal was special to me for many reasons , the main one being that his outgoing positive nature and his need to be looked after and admired helped me recover from a period of ill health . He was extremely handsome . His father was Ch Paudell Easter Plantagenet at Kerrien and he knew that he was worth looking at . He expected everybody to notice him and they did . If I tied him up outside the supermarket I would always find him holding court when I came out and often being fed bits of ham or biscuit . Everybody knew him and people who were complete strangers used to walk past the front gate in summer , greet him by name and make a fuss of him . One elderly couple who were back in Filey after a gap of six years still remembered seeing him as a pup , asked after him and were thrilled to see him again . Hal had a strong personality - it has been called arrogance by one person who knew him well . He usually did as he was asked but it was always on his terms and it was always his decision . He saw no point in retrieving , for example , so he never did . In fact he didn 't exert himself much at all really . It takes about three years for retrievers to grow up , as people never tired of telling me when he was galloping around with someone else 's cricket stumps in his mouth while their game ground to a halt or parading up and down in the sea with a stolen ball , but after he left his silly teenage years behind he was very happy just following his daily circuit at a gentle trot and keeping an eye out for anyone who might notice his finer qualities . He was very fond of a dalmatian called Tilly and they would have loud dramatic games of rough and tumble which we sometimes had to explain away to anxious visitors when they thought they were watching a dog fight . He had a short list of male dogs who he absolutely detested , never for any good reason that I could work out , but he loved absolutely everyone that he ever met , and his social skills were much better than mine . Fern arrived very soon after Hal died , thanks to the fact that we had been planning to get a Field Spaniel as a second dog to live alongside him . Her relentless enthusiasm for me and everything that I did won me over . She decided immediately that I was going to be her life partner and has done her best ever since to make sure that she was right . She is probably the cleverest dog that I have had , eager and quick to learn and quite obsessive about finding any kind of ball . She has even dug for golf balls into the snow and can be sent through the pitch and putt course hedge on behalf of visitors to bring back balls that they have lost . It never takes long . We have a large collection of various kinds of ball in boxes which she keeps a close eye on . She is very aware of what is hers and loves her toys in a way that none of my other dogs ever have done . She also loves her soft bed . Her energy is astonishing and both visitors and locals never cease to marvel when they see her powering up and down the side of the cliff . " That dog should have been born a mountain goat . " Not that Fern is bothered what they say . She shows very little interest in anyone that she doesn 't know and she is far too busy to notice the attention that she gets . She would have been a terrific working dog and won a first prize for being the dog who learned most on the day and showed most potential as a working dog at a Field Spaniel Society working and health day in summer 2009 . We are still hoping to work her but it 's not an easy world to get into without contacts . The trainer who worked with her at the open day would have taken us on and trained us but he is too far away . She loves her food , and she puts away a roast chicken dinner a lot faster than I can , but she will never be fat - she runs it all off too quickly . Our second Field Spaniel will be coming back from the south Coast with us in early March . It will be interesting to see what Fern makes of her . For the first time I shall have two dogs and that will be a whole new story . Mrs Wilson was firmly of the opinion that she was a treasure . This was because that was what people called her when she was within earshot . She steered her mobility scooter around her small seaside town being a treasure in all kinds of places . She was a treasure at the cancer fund shop , a treasure at the ladies lifeboat guild , a treasure at the amateur operatic society , where she prompted , a treasure on the summer fair committee , and most of all she was a treasure at St Mark 's church up on the clifftop . Not much went on at St Mark 's that Mrs Wilson didn 't help to organise and nothing at all that she didn 't know about . That was what she liked to think anyway . She had seen off three vicars as PCC secretary and she knew how things should be done . Mrs Wilson first had her suspicions about the new vicar when she met what she called the " hangers on " from his old church at his induction . They looked a bit odd to her . Some of them wore jeans and they looked like the sort who made banners . A lot of them held up their arms during the final hymn and Mrs Wilson didn 't like that kind of thing . There was some hugging going on during the peace and as the congregation left to go to the church hall for tea one of them asked her how she had come to know the Lord . Cheek . As the weeks went by her suspicions grew . They started to sing some of the choruses that she had heard on Songs of Praise and didn 't like , a group of the congregation began to meet on Tuesday nights to pray in Alice Jefferson 's house , and a big pale blue and gold banner with a dove on it appeared at the front of church after the vicars wife organised a banner making workshop . Alice Jefferson was at the front when the banner was dedicated and got a special thanks for her design . Mrs Wison hadn 't gone to the banner making . She hadn 't been asked . She supposed that twenty six years of making kneelers must not qualify her . When Alice Jefferson had made a kneeler it had had to be given back to her to sewn up again after it came apart . That was the trouble today . There were no standards any more . Mrs Wilson was a big believer in standards . She turned up at the vicarage exactly on time and pulled out the old brass bell next to the door , noticing that it needed polishing . The vicars wife Hilary answered the door . She had on a tee shirt with thin straps and her shoulders were showing . Mrs Wilson didn 't think it appropriate . " Afternoon Mrs Wilson . Nice to see you . Are you well ? " Mrs Wilson smiled thinly . " Bearing up thank you . " " Can I get you something to drink ? Tea maybe ? Or lemonade ? " " Tea thank you . Milk and two sugars . Very kind . " Hilary had seen her visitor looking at the stairs and had a pretty good idea what she was turning her nose up at . Never mind . Let Richard deal with her . " Go on through . Richard will be with you in a minute . He 's just on the phone . " Mrs Wilson was shown through into the side room which the previous vicar had used as an office . She saw that they had stripped out the carpets , oiled the floorboards and put up blinds at the window instead of the curtains which she had made ten years earlier . It all seemed rather cold and bare to her , though she had to admit that the Persian carpet in the middle of the room was nice . There were two large graduation photographs on the wall . Those must be the two sons . What really surprised her was the table football machine in the corner . Surely that shouldn 't be there ? Finally the vicar arrived carrying a tray with tea and flapjack on it . " Sorry to keep you waiting Mrs Wilson . Are you well ? " " Very well indeed thank you . " She waited while he poured out the tea , settled himself down and offered her some flapjack . " Margaret Benson 's special . " Mrs Wilson had tried Margaret Benson 's flapjack before . It was hard . She took a small piece and balanced it on her saucer . A plate would have been nice . Richard took a deep breath and smiled cheerfully . " Now what can I do for you ? " He had no idea what Mrs Wilson was there for , but he was pretty sure that it wasn 't going to be good news . She had been introduced to him as a treasure but it hadn 't quite turned out that way . Nothing had been said but he was pretty sure that there was a lot that could be and he had a nasty feeling that he , and the Lord , were going to hear some of it now . He asked silently for patience and bit into his flapjack nonchalently as if they were just there for a pleasant chat . Oh dear . A quiet word . This was going to be worse than he expected . He was right . It took some time . Mrs Wilson put down her tea and explained in great detail about the new hymn books , the blessing from the back of the church , the banner making , the open prayer time , the guitars and drums , and the all age worship services , and why she didn 't like any of them . Then she came to the activity packs . " Now we have this strange business of providing play packs for children to use during services . During services ! " For the first time Mrs Wilson 's voice rose a little . " It is my opinion that if children are not prepared to sit down and listen when they arrive in church they simply should not be there . They can play at home . There is far too much pandering goes on these days when what is needed is a bit of old fashioned discipline . It is impossible to worship with children crawling around all over the place . " Richard looked her in the eye . " Well we are having a creche for the very little ones , as you know . " Mrs Wilson wasn 't ready to listen to him . She was well into her stride now . " It is quite unnecessary . We already have three children coming regularly to St Marks and all of them are quite capable of behaving themselves . What effect is it going to have on them if they see children being allowed to do as they like ? " Richard didn 't know where to start . Suffer the little children perhaps ? How you had to be like a child to enter the kingdom of God ? The bums on seats argument sometimes worked with people who were afraid of change but probably not this time . The last thing that Mrs Wilson wanted was new people coming into church and getting in her way . Something other than reasoned argument was going to have to soften Mrs Wilson 's heart and he had a meeting to go to . This was going to need careful handling . " Well " , he said brightly , " Thanks for that ! I must say you have have given us some food for thought . Can I suggest you bring your ideas to the next PCC meeting ? It 's very important that we are all happy here at St Mark 's and clear about the direction the church is headed in . " Mrs Wilson frowned . A quick word in his ear so that he would stop things heading in the wrong direction was what she had been hoping for . She hoped that the vicar had understood . Finally Richard managed to usher her out , see her safely onto her mobility scooter and wave her off down the road . She really was a miserable old bat but at the same time she was a pretty amazing woman . One of the last dinosaurs of the Anglican church . Bless her . Later on that day , when he got back to the vicarage , tired and hungry after his meeting , he told Hilary about her over dinner . Hilary was a very private , quiet woman . When she had met Richard he had been a college lecturer and God 's call to him , only a year after they were married had come as a nasty shock to her . She managed to cope with the demands it made on her , who had received no kind of message from the Almighty whatsoever , by insisting on carrying on with her teaching , and keeping her opinions to herself . Especially those opinions which wondered whether her shaky belief in God might be just wishful thinking . Hilary had already made up her mind about Mrs Wilson . " Who takes it out on everybody else . The only thing she ever cared about was that dog , what was it 's name ? Pinkie ? Nauseating . " Richard sighed . He had seen too many lonely people fall apart after the death of a pet to take it lightly . They suffered real grief and he sometimes felt like grief was the only reality he had left to deal with . Weddings and baptisms were often just the church as a photo opportunity . But grief was still as tough to deal with as it ever was , especially in a world where death was so often swept under the carpet . People still needed the church for that at least . Hilary looked at husband anxiously . Richard did know that . " She has every right to have her say , and other people will have theirs . It will be a good thing in some ways if she brings her criticisms out into the open . I 'll see if I can get hold of that growing healthy churches material . That might help . " The following morning Richard set the answer machine and settled into his study to get some work done , but instead of writing his all age worship talk he found himself staring at his computer screen and thinking about Mrs Wilson . This was annoying . She had cost him enough time already . Surely there must be some way he could shut her up . In his experience people who complained constantly were usually deeply unhappy . The poor woman was clearly lonely and he felt sorry for her . He didn 't like to see people unhappy . Surely she hadn 't been nearly so bad before she lost Pippin ? He stopped short . No she hadn 't . Nowhere near as bad . She had worshipped that dog , never mind God . She even used to tie it up in one of the side aisles during early morning communion . When he had explained that he wasn 't happy about it she had told him that Pippin 's place there was not negotiable , and to give the dog it 's due there had never once been a peep out of it . He bit his lip . Maybe there was an easy answer after all . Two days later Mrs Wilson was sitting in the front passenger seat of Richards Toyota . She was still grumbling . " I 'm still not sure if I 'm doing the right thing . " " Don 't worry , you haven 't done anything yet . All you 're doing is going to have a look , that 's all . Just a quick look . " He was pretty sure that when you put Mrs Wilson in front of a row of caged up dogs , each one wagging the very end of its tail , one of them would be coming home with her . She needed something to focus on other than his shortcomings and this might just do the trick . In fact he was relying on it . She stared ahead of her , her eyes fixed on the road . " I couldn 't go through all that again . " " These dogs need a home . You could make a difference to one of them . " Richard often said that to lonely people . Mostly that was all that they needed . Just to feel that there was someone , or something , that they could make a difference . Sometimes it was that , rather than a search for God , that brought them into church . " I don 't know . " The woman in charge of the kennels sent them out with a dark haired , sulky looking teenager who announced herself as Kylie . Mrs Wilson didn 't like the look of her , but then Mrs Wilson didn 't like the look of most of the teenagers she saw hanging around the park shelters , and the bus station in town . Once one of them had asked her very loudly where she got her hair done . She had told the girl to mind her own business and a whole group of them had laughed at her . It had been a little bit upsetting . Richard smiled at Kylie . " Do you work here then ? " There was a lot Kylie could have said in answer to a stupid question like that but she had seen the dog collar so she just grunted and glared at Mrs Wilson . " What sort of dog are you after then ? " Mrs Wilson looked a bit flustered . " Oh , well I 'm just having a look really , weighing up my options you know . " Kylie rolled her eyes . Bloody hell , another time waster . She could have been getting on with the feeding up . " Well , they 're all down here . Help yourself . Their details are on the door of their run . " " Thank you very much . " Kylie nodded . " I 'll come back in a few minutes . See how you 're doing . Give us a shout if you want anything . " They walked down the first row of kennels . The noise was astonishing . Loud metallic and desperate . Richard watched Mrs Wilson carefully as she looked into each run . There was an open friendly look on her face as she watched a dog come towards her that he had never seen when she was dealing with people and she spoke gently and reached out to touch them through the mesh walls of their runs . It was like watching a different person and the more he saw the more he was convinced that he was right . What she needed was a dog . " What do you think Mrs Wilson ? " His heart sank as he watched her face close off . " Well , some of them are lovely of course , but I don 't know . I just don 't know if I could go through all that again . Poor Pippin was such a dear . I don 't know . " They walked back down the rows while Mrs Wilson persuaded herself that there was something wrong with each dog in turn . Too lively , too big , too small , too timid , too long a coat . It was obvious that her mind was made up . As they got back in the car Richard began to dread the next month 's PCC meeting . It had been hard enough getting them this far at St Mark 's . If Mrs Wilson started throwing her weight around they would never pass the buying of the new sound system he needed for the worship group , and he could probably forget about moving the pews out altogether . In fact , by the time he got home he had persuaded himself that the whole of the Lord 's work in St Mark 's depended on a small mongrel finding its way into Mrs Wilson 's heart and he had to pour himself a stiff whisky and tell himself not to be so silly . It was three days later , on his way to a home visit , that he saw the poster . " New home wanted for friendly two year old cairn terrier . Genuine reason for sale . " The number given was a local number and he rang it straight away from his mobile . The dog was still needing a home . " May I pop round and have a look at him ? " " Josh ! Get down ! Down ! In the kitchen ! Now ! " He heard a slamming door and silence followed by a single set of footsteps . The woman inside was already apologising as she opened the door . " I 'm so sorry . He isn 't usually as bad as this . He 's all wound up ready for his walk . " Richard smiled , watching her face change as she noticed his dog collar . " That 's OK . Can I come in and meet him . " Richard followed her into the kitchen . Washing up was piled into the sink and a large pile of dirty clothes lay in front of the washer . The brown blur had materialised into a scruffy cairn terrier who was sitting in the middle of it . " This is Josh . " When he heard his name the dog made a rush towards Richard and started scrabbling at his legs . He moved back but it began to take off vertically towards his face . It was not difficult to see that there was definitely a genuine reason for the sale . The dog was a complete nightmare . " Bed , Josh . Bed ! " Josh flung himself into his bed and stared hard at the tin of biscuits on the work surface . He was in his bed but it didn 't look as if he was going to stay there . Richard bent down to stroke him and something wet collided very suddenly with his nose . He stood up quickly . " I can see that . " Richard accepted the offer of a cup of coffee just to give himself some thinking time . He had a plan deveeloping in his head but now that he had met Josh it looked like being a high risk strategy and if it failed Harriet was going to break the sixth commandment . As he listened to the woman explaining why Josh needed a new home he was able to read between the lines and he began to feel sorry for her . Josh had been her ex husbands dog and she had obviously been stuck with him when her husband walked out . Josh was not the kind of dog you would want to get stuck with . He was the kind of dog who needed a hard core dog lover to take him on , a demanding dog who knew his rights . Richard sent up a quick apology for the lies which he was about to tell and set his plan in motion . " Well I have to say I think he 's absolutely charming . I 've always had a soft spot for cairn terriers . My aunt used to have one . Do you think I could take him home for just a month , say , see how he gets on ? A kind of trial period so to speak ? " Richard had never owned a dog and he was startled how much clutter there was to put in the car . The boot shelf was taken out and Josh was tied to one of the fixing points . Then , with a promise to ring the next day and tell her how things were going he was off . Josh stared out of the back window , shocked into silence . At least Harriet wouldn 't be back for a few hours yet . With a bit of luck she might not even need to know . " Mrs Wilson ? It 's Richard Newsome here , yes , Rev Newsome , have you got a minute ? Well I 'm in a bit of a hole actually . I was wondering if you might help me out . YOU could be just the person ………… . . " Ten minutes later a bewildered Josh was bundled back into the car and they were on their way again . Richard left him in the boot while he rang the door of Mrs Wilson 's immaculate bungalow on Cherry Bank . He began to use every bit of charm he possessed as soon as she opened the door . " Mrs Wilson , you have no idea how grateful I am . You are an absolutely saving my life . I was at the end of my tether wondering what to do and I suddenly thought there is just one person who might be able to help me out . I don 't have the experience I 'm afraid . Wouldn 't have a clue . It will only be for a month or so . Honestly I would be so grateful . " " Where is the little man ? " " He 's in the car . A little bit shell shocked I 'm afraid . I 'll go and fetch him . Mrs Wilson was already on her way towards the car . " No , leave it to me . " She swept Josh up out of the boot and held him next to her face . He wriggled happily . " You poor little scrap . " Richard carried everything through into the house and then made his escape while things were still looking good . Mrs Wilson waved him off with Josh still under her arm . " Don 't you worry . He 'll be fine with me . " Josh was more than fine . He was ecstatic . It began with half a fresh chicken for his dinner that night and it just kept getting better and better . He soon found out that Mrs Wilson was a soft touch so long as you had four legs and a tail and he did exactly as he liked . If he felt like taking off across a stubble field to sort out some crows half a milke away , he did . If he felt like digging a very large hole in the middle of the lawn he did that too . He found out that the hall carpet came up at the edges in a way that was very satisfying to him , the lid of the kitchen bin made an enormous bang when you tipped it up , and if he was in any trouble he could avoid it by sitting in any number of places which were quite inaccessible to Mrs Wilson . Within a week he had taken charge and got things very nicely organised for himself . When Richard rang uo to ask after him he was greeted with peals of laughter . " Oh , he 's such a little character . Full of fun . " Richard was glad to hear it . Fun wasn 't exactly the word he would have used . " That 's good . He seemed a bit too lively to me . Just goes to show that all he needed was an expert hand . " Maybe he wasn 't going to have to tell Hilary after all . For the next few weeks Mrs Wilson talked about nothing but Josh . People who had never noticed her before began to smile and say hello when they saw him sitting bolt upright in the front of her mobility scooter . Just like Pippin he went everywhere with her , but he didn 't seem to fade into the background the way that Pippin had . When she looked round for him he was always there with his tail up and his eyes sharp . Ready for anything . Richard watched his progress and reported back to his old owner , trying to stick to the truth as closely as possible . After a month he was ready to put the final phase of his plan into action . " I don 't suppose there 's any chance ………… you wouldn 't possibly consider keeping him ? I wouldn 't ask normally but he 's so happy here . " Mrs Wilson pointed at Josh , who was storming up and down the hallway with a filthy toy in his mouth , and beamed at Richard . " Of course he 's happy ! Just look at him ! Rev Newsome - haven 't I made a difference to this dog ? " Richard was only too pleased to agree that she had . Josh of course wasn 't the least bit bothered . He had known from day one that he wouldn 't be going anywhere and he had seen some very nice left over braising steak waiting near his bowl . Two days later the PCC agreed to remove the pews from St Marks and undertake a feasibility study for a bookshop and cafe area in a remodelled open space at the back of the church . Mrs Wilson agreed with everything and even made a large donation . When Richard gave a vote of thanks he was told that in future he must call her Eleanor . Some people in the parish were very impressed by the way the new vicar had got things moving and he had a letter of congratulations from the bishop . Only Richard knew that it was Josh who had really got things done and neither of them were about to tell anybody . On the mantelpiece near my computer there are two white Staffordshire pottery dogs . They are Victorian , made around 1880 and they are rather lumpy , lifeless objects . They stare rigidly ahead of them and , while they have nicely painted feathery red blotches on them , their fur is hard and cold , with no movement in it at all and they have harsh unforgiving faces . If I am truthful I don 't like them very much . So why are they there ? They have a small value - I could sell them quite easily and buy something which I do like . What makes it less simple is that those dogs have been sitting on a mantelpiece staring at me for longer than I am able to remember . They were bought new by my great grandparents before I was born and when the family took in an evacuee during the second world war she never forgot my great grandmothers fierce order never to touch them , given almost as soon as she walked through the door . There was no money in a farm labourer 's family for luxuries and buying them had been a major event , saved up for and relished . Those dogs sat there , never moved from their position , watching just about every important event as I was growing up . They watched every meal , every celebration and every crisis . They would be hidden under the bed when we went away on holiday and dusted with a care that was never given to anything else . After I left home they would wait for me to come back and still be there , staring , as they shared my news alongside my parents . They would be the first thing that I would look for when I walked through the door and the fact that they were still there was a reassurance that , in spite of the changes which came and went over the years , home was still there . Some things didn 't change . The mantelpiece they sat on for almost fifty years doesn 't even exist any more . There is a blank wall where it used to be and not even a shadow of them is left in their old position after the house was renovated by its new owner , but they still survive and stare blankly at their new surroundings in exactly the same way they always did . They don 't have pride of place any more , but they have a new mantle - piece and it fits them quite well . They are grumbled at rather than cherished these days , and life is quiet for them in the spare bedroom , but they seem to accept it with the same dumb insolence they showed to the people who loved them . One day they will move on , to somebody who doesn 't know their history . Oh they will probably know the trivial stuff like when they were made , perhaps even which factory made them if a dealer gets hold of them , but not the important things . Not the things which those dogs have been an empty witness to over the years , or the thoughts of the people who cared about them . They will move on , but it won 't be any time soon . Putting up with them is a way for me to take possession of my past and pay respect to the people who made it . Come to think of it , they could do with a bit of a dust ………………… . . Tagged antiques , Childhood , dogs , memories Welcome to my blog ! I hope that you find something here to interest you . If you have any thoughts , ideas or questions about what I have written please leave me a comment . I 'd love to hear what you think . Top Posts A Minton Peacock . David Hockney . A Bigger Picture . Royal Academy . 01 - 02 - 12 Monument . Susan Hiller . 1980 - 81 . Leeds Art Gallery . Part of the exhibition Art In Our Time . 24 - 05 - 12 ' Tis Pity She 's a Whore . West Yorkshire Playhouse . 19 - 05 - 11 Howard Hodgkin Prints . Scarborough Art Gallery . 14 - 07 - 11 An Intimate Evening With The Unthanks . Stephen Joseph Theatre . 11 - 05 - 12 Text based Art at Tate Liverpool . 1 - 10 - 10 Cornelia Parker 's Neither From Nor Towards . Part of the exhibition " falling up " at the Courtauld Gallery . 22 - 08 - 11 Every childhood lasts a lifetime . Recent Comments patricia1957 on Short Story : The Adoption … juliapattison9 on Short Story : The Adoption … patricia1957 on Short Story : The Adoption … pennygadd51 on Short Story : The Adoption … pennygadd51 on The Dark Self . Susan Aldworth … Patricia RogersCreate your badge " In order to really enjoy a dog , one doesn 't merely try to train him to be semihuman . The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog . " - Edward Hoagland Blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
I took measurements of the blanket before I washed it , for reference . I really wasn 't sure if it would shrink , and if so , by how much . It has now been laundered , and post wash measurements taken . Before wash , it was 42 inches long , and 30 inches wide . Afterwards , it was 40 inches long and 29 . 75 inches wide . So it lost two whole inches in length , and only 1 / 4 inch of width . Which is still a good size ! Now I get to take a break , for as long as I can stand not to be doing something with my hands . Which might be a couple of days , or even less . I was working on another blanket , of the same pattern , when I decided to start the last one . I guess now I will have to start on that one again . Here is a photo of the bottom edge , so you can see it close up . In this blanket I 'm currently working on , every 4 - 6 rows I need to count stitches to make sure I still have 151 . Basically , every time I start a single crochet section . As I was working on it yesterday at Stitch n Bitch , I got to a counting row . I decided to stop , since I felt it would be rude to stop being social long enough to count 151 stitches as I do them . Later in the day , after Hubs left for work , I picked it up again . I 'm getting close to the end , and I 'm getting anxious to finish . I start counting as I crochet . . . . and at the end I have 148 . Not 151 . I screwed up somewhere . I do another row and count again . It 's still 148 . I count again , the row I just did , the number doesn 't change . Crap . I decide to check the V stitch section to see if I can spot the mistake . I go back and forth all four rows , more than once . It all looked fine to me . I decide to count the stitches of the last row of single crochet , before the V stitch section I had just finished . Whew . That took a while to figure out how to say . But there were 151 stitches . Finally , I find the mistake . I had to frog the two rows of sc , and the row before them , of V stitch , and maybe two V stitches in the row before that . I missed the second leg of a V stitch near the end of the row . I fix it , and quickly catch back up to where I was . I am currently working on the last V stitch lace section , then comes the pink border . After that I will carefully count the stitches as I sc across the top of the blanket . I will do four rows , the same as the sides . Hopefully I will remember how many stitches I make across the top , and can repeat it across the bottom . Then I can launder it , and it will be done ! TAH - DAH ! Since I wrote the above , I have been working feverishly all morning , and am currently doing the second short end . Two more rows of that , and I will be done ! Well , after I sew in the last few ends , anyway . I think I like it . Tonight I will take some photos , and wash it , then report tomorrow on how it turned out . Posted by This morning after I got up , I was hanging out with Hubs until he went to bed . I realized that I didn 't feel all that terrific . I was going to Stitch n Bitch no matter what , it was just my plans for after that were going to be affected . I had decided that since I didn 't have to babysit today , I would take the opportunity to go to the craft store and see if they had restocked their cotton . After that , I thought I might try and find some new fleece sheets . But since I wasn 't feeling great , I waffled about the sheet shopping . I was just going to go check on the yarn and then come home . Possibly even go back to bed . While at Stitch n Bitch , I felt decidedly better , so I waffled again . The sheet shopping was back on ! I got to the craft store , and waffled again . Then I un - waffled . I figured since I was so close to Kohl 's I would check there for the sheets . They wouldn 't cost as much there as at Bed , Bath and Beyond . . . WRONG . On sale they were still over $ 80 . So I did exactly as originally planned , with the waffling thrown in for free . By the way , the craft store had restocked the cotton , and I was able to purchase the last skein needed for the baby blanket . So now I can relax about it . And the new sheets are in the dryer , I will put them on the bed in a little while . I did so much waffling today , I 'm surprised I 'm not dripping in syrup . Posted by Today , I very nearly finished using all the yarn from conjoined twin # 1 on twin # 2 . I made myself stop crocheting , and I sewed all then ends in . Then I crocheted a little more . I had plenty of time , since my charge napped for three whole hours today . I am saving my crocheting for tomorrow 's Stitch n Bitch . After which , I will be traveling to a craft store to see if they have restocked my color of cotton yarn . Hopefully , they will have done so , so I can buy one more skein . That 's all I need , one more skein . Even if that purchase doesn 't work out , I will be making a trip to our local Bed , Bath and Beyond store , for king size fleece sheets . It 's getting chilly enough at night these days for them . We sleep on flannel the other three seasons . Really . Even in the Summer . I need to buy new ones , because I can 't find the bottom sheet from last years set . I have no idea where it is ! The pillow cases I have , and the top sheet I have been using all along . But the bottom sheet has disappeared . Those of you who are regular readers may remember an early post , about Hubs and myself using separate covers on our bed . It was my defense mechanism against freezing to death . My beloved Hubs was , and still is , if given the opportunity , a terrible covers hog . I will keep you updated on the sheets , and the blanket too . Wish me luck at the craft store ! Yesterday , I was able to get the promised photos , while Miss Malia was napping . It turns out that the new blanket is only about 2 inches shorter than the original . But that 's OK with me . I do like the new one better . ^ Here they are side by side , new on the left . ^ The tops to show they are even . And the bottoms to show the new one is shorter . I have one more promise , there will be no more photos of said blanket until it 's finished . . . I am sure you are all heartily sick of hearing about this one project . Posted by In Which I Gave In I gave in and went to Fishkill with Hubs yesterday . It makes him feel better , even though the house is now occupied , he still hates it . Now the downstairs bathroom sink is leaking . He knows how to fix it , but because it 's such a tiny sink , he needs to take the whole sink off the wall . Unfortunately , when he put it back in place last time , he made it really , really secure , so it 's going to be difficult to take off the wall again . We didn 't get home until after 8 p . m . and I was really tired , so I didn 't get to blog last night . I didn 't have that much to say anyway . I am glad I got to see the kitten , Gizmo , since he had just had surgery that morning . He was still groggy and sleepy when we got there . He had gotten neutered . I didn 't realize it , but that baby is nearly 5 months old . He is still so little . It makes sense now , since I found out that he was the runt of the litter . So he will never get very big . That 's not a bad thing , Ozzy was also a runt . Big cats are cool , but little ones are better . On our way down to Fishkill , we made some stops , and got the air pillows we need to close the pool . So that 's on the menu for next weekend . I am taking my camera to Miss Malia 's today , so hopefully I can get some photos while she naps today . Posted by When I woke up this morning , I didn 't feel very well . After a cup of coffee , I decided to go back to bed . When I got up again , I felt much better . After Hubs got up and had his coffee , he decided it was time to cover the pool . So we started the prep work . He got out the air pillows , and my job was to fill them . They are very expensive , so he wanted to try and use the ones from last year again . It was not to be . We kept finding holes , and patching them , then new holes . Eventually , we realized the one pillow was so brittle , it was springing new holes just from us touching it . Not fun . And being as it was late afternoon on Sunday , every place that sold the things we needed was closed . I barely made it to the hardware store to get a new nozzle for the garden hose . I got there 20 minutes before their closing time . So , I came in and took a shower , after putting the pot ' o soup on the stove to reheat . Beef barley soup is good the first night , but even better the second . Hubs mowed some lawn , then went up to his friend Gene 's farm . Now it 's late and the whole darn day is gone . It 's time to go to bed soon , my alarm is set for 5 : 45 a . m . Woot woot . Hubs plans on going to the Fishkill house tomorrow , I probably won 't be going with him . I got laundry and other stuff to get done . I hope he doesn 't get upset with me . I will have to tell him to give our grandkitten a kiss for me . Posted by Well , that , and the weather was wonky all day . So , no photos of the Conjoined Twins , as I have taken to calling them . They are the same , and connected by a single strand of yarn . I just have to hope I don 't get them mixed up at some point . Right now , it 's easy , the new , smaller one is smaller than the old , bigger one . I ran errands today , got Hubs a new package of cigars , checked on his new meds at the pharmacy , and changed the cat box . Time for a party ! Then I made plans to go out shopping later in the day with friend Kim and her Cherub . After thinking about it , I decided to make dinner before I left , so if Hubs woke up and was hungry , he could eat whenever he wanted . I made a big pot of soup . It was delicious . I make the soup mix from The Awesome Store , here in Hyde Park . Today was the barley , and I added beef . That is one of Hubs ' favorite soups . So off I went , shopping . The first place we visited was Mother Earth , the natural stuff store , or the Hippie Store , as some call it . I was looking for some body butter . A friend had given me a hemp oil body butter a few years ago , and it 's almost gone . I 've been searching for it all over . I thought Mother Earth 's was a good place to look . They don 't carry that line . However , in the store was a table set up , with two young men behind it , with oodles of body butter that their company makes . I talked to them , and ended up purchasing a large tub o ' body butter ! They have all kinds of scents , but I chose Port Royal . It 's fruity , and I like it . Of course , Hubs does not like the smell . I quickly treated my hands , elbows and feet after I got home , needing only to use a little off the inside of the lid ! This stuff will last quite a long time ! Then we stopped at Best Buy , then Michaels Craft Store . Lastly , we hit Marhsalls . I was especially looking forward to this stop . I am in the market for new fleece sheets . They usually have superior sets at Marshalls . Today , however , they had none . So I looked around , and found a nice , bright pink purse , but it cost $ 150 so I put it back . BicraftualMe This morning , at Stitch n Bitch , I made the decision that the cotton baby blanket was too big . So I stopped working on it . But I didn 't really want to frog , and wind by hand , six whole skeins of cotton . So I got a clever idea . I decided to start the next blanket with a new pink border , like the old one , and then start the body with the other end of the skein I was using . I would use up the skein , until I was frogging the old blanket , as I worked along , to use on the new blanket . With any kind of luck , I would get to the pink border of the old blanket by the time I was ready for it . I started shortly after I got to Miss Malia 's house this morning , having stopped at my house to pick up the pink . She was naturally very curious about what I was doing , especially since I prefer to count out loud . It 's just easier for me , I tend to not lose count that way . So far , it 's working very well ! I have gotten a lot done , all through one skein of the body color , and started the second . It helped ( not ) that Miss Malia didn 't nap until 4 p . m . But she did sleep for a total of three hours . After an hour and a half , she came out from the bedroom , climbed up on the couch , and fell back asleep for another hour and a half . Sweet ! All in all , it was a very long , nine and a half hour day . Not my usual four hours . But I do get a three day weekend this week , I don 't go back until Tuesday . I am so tired right now , I can 't even take a photo of my progress on the new blanket . I 'm looking forward to seeing them side by side , connected by the yarn . I will take one tomorrow , and post it for you see . Posted by I have made significant progress on the crocheted baby blanket this week . However , I don 't have enough yarn to finish . I made the trek all the way down to the craft store to get more , two days later , and they didn 't have any . It 's too far to keep making the run every few days . Does anyone have any idea how long it should take to restock ? Any guess is fine . Do you see the fatter lace sections ? There are supposed to be seven of those in the finished blanket . I am currently not quite to the sixth one , and I 'm on my last skein of yarn . I did think ahead in one way . I haven 't yet worked in any ends , so I can still frog the thing and do it over with a smaller hook . It 's kind of on the big side . I like it that way , but it has been pointed out to me that some people think baby blankets should be small . Why ? They are small for so short a time ! And if I do decide to frog it , I may not be needing that last skein of the stupid yarn after all . . . Here is a closer shot of the pattern : He really is the sweetest man . It 's hard to believe that in a few short months , we will celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary . The time really does fly . Posted by Oh yes , there 's more . First , though , let me state that I remembered the third thing on my short list . It was rawhide treats for the dog next door . Hubs had asked the owner if it was OK , and he said yes . So that was on the list . Anyway , there we were , wandering around Sam 's Club . And after we found the pickles , Hubs discovered a display of nacho cheese sauce . Now , keeping in mind that we don 't eat nachos on a regular basis , why would we want the stuff ? Apparently Hubs decided we needed this item . He put the following in our cart . . . I put the DVD next to it , for size comparison . The funny part is that he tries to convince me it 's a good purchase by telling me that he looked at the smaller cans , and they were more expensive in the long run . Forget the fact with that a couple more of these cans , we could fill the hot tub ! In small print , at the bottom of the can , you can see the weight . I took another photo , just of that , so you can all see what I am dealing with . And the best part of all this ? I read the label after we got home , and the serving size is 1 / 4 cup , and it has 630 mg of sodium in it . My Hubs is supposed to be lowering his sodium consumption , not elevating it to stroke levels . So I have no idea what we will do with this giant can of nacho cheese sauce . But it was a bargain at only $ 5 ! ! Yesterday , we visited Sam 's Club . I had a short list of stuff we needed , I really only wanted some of their fresh rolls to have with our BBQ dinner . As usual , Hubs had other ideas . He always complains that he can 't walk out of that store for less than $ 200 . It really is his own fault . I wanted three things : the rolls , pistashio nuts , and one other thing that I can 't remember right now . I do remember that we got everything on my list . As we were wandering through the store , I spotted giant jars of pickles . Great big , dill pickles . Now , knowing how my beloved Hubs feels about pickles , I haven 't eaten one in a least 20 years . To be fair , I feel about egg salad the way he feels about pickles . And I refuse to make it for him . So we have both given up something we loved . Anyway , I can rarely resist a chance to mess with him . I pointed out the jars of pickles , and asked if I could get one . He totally surprised me when he said yes ! So into basket went the pickles . He was totally skeeved about the whole thing , shuddering convincingly . I made sure he had to handle the jar and put it on the belt at the checkout , then again by putting it back in the cart ! After we got home , he made me carry it in from the truck . And later that night , we discussed what he called The Pickle Rules . I am only allowed to eat them on nights when he is working , and before 8 p . m . That way the smell has almost 12 hours to dissipate . To be totally truthful , I will eat the dang things whenever the heck I want to . Posted by I was very excited to go to Fishkill today , since I would finally get to meet my adorable new grandkitten . His name is Gizmo , and he 's been living with Julie , Jesse and the roommates for about two weeks now . So let 's get right to the photos ! I took a bunch of them , while he was playing in his cube tent , then after , while he was resting . He is such a cutie , it makes me want a kitten all over again ! Posted by As I mentioned in yesterdays post , I bought some really soft cotton , which I am using to make another blanket for one of the babies that are coming . Now , I have never made a cotton blanket before , so I have no idea what will happen when I wash the blanket . See ? Yet another very good reason to launder something you make , before gifting or selling . I am curious to see if it shrinks or not . Even if it does , it 's a bit long , so it should be OK . I made one of these blankets for Julie , Jesse 's girlfriend , and after washing , it was actually a square . I have no idea how that happened , it had never happened before . It just goes to show you , you never can tell what any yarn will do , even if you have used it before ! This blanket will be a first for me , besides being made of cotton yarn . I made a border of pink on one long side , when I get to the other side , of course it will be pink too . This time , I am going to put a border on the top and bottom of the blanket . I have never done that before . I have never even put tassels on one . I am not a big fan of tassels . So here is a photo of my progress so far ! I thought that just two sides being pink wasn 't enough . I think it will look good being totally surrounded in the pink . And this baby is definitely a girl , so the use of pink is OK . Posted by Ever since Ozzy came to live with us , I have trained him to leave my yarn alone . We had a little talk . I told him that if he wanted to live here , he would have a very easy life , and in return , all I asked was that he not use my yarn as a plaything . In all these years , he has pretty much stuck to our agreement . He got a little confused when I started knitting , as opposed to crocheting , but he soon caught on that yarn was yarn , no matter what I did with it . This morning , I was sitting here , drinking my coffee , when I looked down at the cat , who had been running around and howling . Now , this is not normal behavior for him . The only times I 've seen him act anything close to this , is before a really bad snow or rain storm . Anyway , I look down at my cat , and he 's got my big center pull ball of animal fiber yarn in his mouth ! The ball is hanging out of his mouth ! I don 't remember which animal it is , it 's really soft , so it might be Alpaca . I had been watching him , since I caught him pawing playfully at the knitting attached to that ball , just yesterday . After my coffee this morning , I made a run to a craft store for more yarn for the next pastel rainbow baby blanket . When I got back , there on the floor was a ball of Sugar n Cream , which he had obviously used as a plaything while I was gone . It was all messy , I 'm sure you can picture it in your mind . It was not a full skein , but less than half of one , that was leftover from the madness of the skull potholders . News on the blanket front ! I finished the circular pastel rainbow baby blanket last night . Yippee skippee ! Now I can take a well deserved break to work on other baby blankets , for the same babies . For your information , the circular blanket is 39 inches across . The star shaped one was 49 inches . I 'm thinking I will be sticking to the star shaped one , in the future . Unless Sara likes the circular one better , that is . Posted by No , I 'm not referring to Fall , or even pre - holiday time . It 's about husbands . My beloved Hubs has a cycle , not unlike a woman 's monthly cycle . Except it only happens usually about twice a year . We have been married nearly 24 years now , so I have become accustomed to this . It 's a lot like a woman 's PMS . He is very moody , and extremely grouchy . And touchy ? OMG . Nothing I do is right . Nothing I say is right . It seems my very existence bothers him . The only saving grace for me is that this only lasts a few days . All I can do is try to stay out of his way . He is currently in day one . I think it started sometime during the night last night , his second of his four work nights this week . I should 've figured it was coming , I missed one of his " tells " . He usually calls me from work . He didn 't call me last night , and he was in a foul mood when he got home this morning . We usually discuss his work issues , I 've found it helps him relax , to get his mind off of it . His work is extremely frustrating for him , and there is nothing he can do about it , especially since he works alone . I can 't go into too much detail here . He is usually such a sweet man . We 've been handling the empty nest thing pretty well , and usually enjoy each other 's company . I have a photo of him , to show you how cute he is . This was taken at our son 's high school graduation , in 2008 . OK , his hand is kind of in the way , but he really is adorable . You can all ask my friend Mikki , who lives in Florida , because she 's met him . She worked for one of the parts stores who used to bring auto parts to the garage where he used to be a mechanic . She told me at the time , he 's a big teddy bear . Anyway , when he 's in his " cycle " , I try and keep things more picked up , do the dishes more often , that kind of thing , just so he doesn 't have that to complain about . I just have to duck and cover . It should only be a couple more days . . . . I believe I 'll start with a pastel rainbow circle blanket update . It 's darn near finished . Three more rounds to go . And of course , they are the three longest rounds , they seem to take forever . But it 's very satisfying , all the compliments I 'm getting on these blankets . One more blanket to go , for Sara , then I 'll be done . I believe I can take a break before beginning the last one , I probably should wait for an announcement of impending parenthood . Babysitting went very well today . Miss Malia was in a good mood , even though she was pretty tired . Within 20 minutes of her mom leaving , she had fallen asleep for her nap . Lately her naps have been lasting about an hour and a half , yesterday 's was very unusual at three hours . Today , as she sat on the floor surrounded by her blocks , I told her to find certain numbers on them . She got every one ! " Find a 3 ! " She looks around at the blocks , and picks up one with a three on it . " 3 ! " , she hollers . I kept going with some different numbers . She got every one . There is also good news . My legs aren 't hurting as much these last couple of days . It seems to be worse in the evening , especially after a long day . I was getting a bit concerned . Posted by What a week it 's been . Monday , Miss Malia decided to throw her wooden blocks all over the place . I had had enough , especially since a few had come close to making contact with my face . I started picking them up and putting them in their bag . Naturally , she objected to this , loudly . I got her to stop by picking up a block , and showing her the number on it . I asked her " What number is this ? " , and she would answer me , then I 'd put it in the bag . I tried to get her to help me , but she wasn 't buying it . She did , however , get every number correct . I even took a 6 , turned it upside down , and asked her " Now what number is it ? " ! She got it right , she yelled " 9 ! " . I kept flipping it back and forth , while she laughed . " 6 ! 9 ! 6 ! 9 ! " . Remember , she 's now 20 months old . Eventually , we got all the blocks put back in their bag . She did start crying again when I closed up the bag . But she got over it quickly . This morning , I went to watch the Cherub . I seem to remember her mom , my good friend Kim , telling me to make sure she got all her before school stuff done . This morning , however , the Cherub wasn 't cooperating . She told me more than once that she didn 't need reminding . I told her that I thought it was part of my job to do so . When we picked her mom up from work , I made a point of asking Kim if it was indeed a part of my job to make sure she gets her before school stuff done . It turns out that I was right , but it 's a good thing I checked , I wasn 't really sure . In the process , I royally pissed off the Cherub . Perhaps I could have waited and asked Kim when Cherub wasn 't around , but I am not good at waiting for things like that , I tend to forget . I just hope she will get over her snit , and we can still be friends . After all , she is my BKF ( Best Kid Friend ) . Today was unusual , in that I went right from watching Cherub to Miss Malia 's house . My alarm went off at 5 : 45 a . m . and I left my house at 6 : 10 . I finally got home at 3 : 40 . It was a very long day . Made even longer by the fact that I had intended to go to bed early , but one of mPosted by I know , I know , I normally wouldn 't make another blanket out of the same yarn , so soon . But with my daughter having two pregnant girlfriends , I really had no choice . The finished pastel rainbow star made it 's way to Sara 's house , for her to gift at baby shower next month . I will admit to my heart skipping a beat , watching her caress the beautiful softness of the blanket , while asking if she will get one too when she has a baby . Of course she will ! In the meantime , pastel rainbow # 2 is nearly done . I wanted to do it a little differently than the usual one , so I made this one a circle . It has the exact same color progression , just not in the twelve pointed star . This is what the whole thing looks like ^ , and here 's the closer view : In case you 've noticed , I haven 't written a whole lot in the last few days . I have not been feeling all that well . My legs hurt , it 's hard to stand up and walk , at least at the beginning . Once I get moving , I 'm usually OK . But I do feel like I 've pulled muscles in the calves of both legs , so I 'm like double limping . Strange , I know . And , so you know , the circle afghan pattern is from the Lion Brand Yarn website , the free pattern section . It 's the same pattern I used as the basis for my Jeep tire cover . Posted by Just typing the title for this reminded me of a true story that happened to me . I was in high school , and one summer I went to visit my aunt Diane in Florida . I actually got lost after I got off the plane . I got in the wrong vehicle , not the one my aunt sent to get me . I got to see a lot of towns around the area where my aunt lived . I finally found my way to aunt Diane 's house , and she was very relieved . But that isn 't what I really thought about . It kind of leads up to it . My uncle had found a small stray dog , and they had adopted her , telling themselves that she was for me . They named her L ' il Bit , as she was , as my uncle said in his heavy southern accent , " Just a l ' il bit of a thang . " She was so adorable , we fell in love with each other immediately . As far as we could tell , she was a Chihuahua . She slept with me and everything . Unfortunately , when it came time to go home , my parents wouldn 't let me bring L ' il Bit home with me . I was heart broken . So L ' il Bit had to stay in Florida . She lived another couple of years , until my aunt and uncle 's dog had his way with her . This dog was really huge . He looked like a giant size Rottie , only on Dachshund size legs . His name was Sam , I remember . Sam had to weigh at least 80 lbs . And he got my tiny L ' il Bit pregnant . I heard that she died giving birth to his puppies . I am surprised she was even able to carry them to term . I don 't even have a photo to remember her . I just have my memories of that summer . I had intended to write a piece today that contained bits and pieces of different things , but got sidetracked . I 'll save that for another day . Posted by I finally finished the pastel rainbow baby blanket , just a little while ago . I wove in the last few ends , and laid it out on the floor for photos , then I measured it . I can 't get down on my knees too easily , but I did the best I could . Believe it or not , it 's about 49 inches , point to point . When I 'm working on blankets of this size or larger , I occasionally get bored . That 's when I take a break , and sew in the ends that I have accumulated so far . It works pretty well for me . By the time the project is finished , there are usually only a few ends left . As a point of interest , I always , always , launder whatever I make , before gifting , or selling . That way I can let the recepient know exactly how I washed and dried it , and that it came out OK . Not only that , but it 's always so much softer after laundering ! Only once did a blanket not come out ok , and that was for my own use anyway . I dried it on too high a heat , and it kind of melted the yarn a bit . It wasn 't soft anymore . We still use it , though . Stitch n Bitch Report ! Today was our first official Stitch n Bitch session since June , and school let out for the summer . We had a blast , as usual . In attendance were myself , Kim ( OFL ) , Jan and Cheryl . It was especially nice to see Cheryl , since she comes the furthest . All the kids got off to a good start on their respective school years . Kim is working on a sweater for her Cherub , a lacy , short sleeved , cropped cardigan . Jan is still working on her beaded shawl . I am almost finished with the pastel rainbow baby blanket . I was worried it wasn 't going to be big enough . HA ! I shouldn 't have worried . I will measure it and have that number and a photo tomorrow ! Cheryl cast on some cotton , and looked like she was working on a dishcloth or washcloth . It was a pretty colorway . We had breakfast first , then broke out the crafting , and got down to work . The nice ladies at Cranberry 's told us how much they missed us this summer . Ah , but it 's nice to get back into our regular routine ! 1 . The baby blanket is close to being done , I 'm currently on the blend of colors 5 and 6 . But that is kind of off topic . I was wondering if anyone has any questions for me , consider the floor open . Ask away ! If there is something I would rather not answer , I will let you know . So , go ahead and ask , I can 't wait to hear what you come up with ! 2 . I am really looking forward to tomorrow , it will be our first Stitch n Bitch session of the school year ! Now that the kids are all back is school , we can resume our weekly breakfast sessions at Cranberry 's ! Look for a report tomorrow evening ! Posted by Talking with my daughter the other day , she pointed out to me that she has another friend who is also pregnant , and due before the first friend . So I thought I 'd better put away the first blanket for the first friend , and start on the blanket for the second friend ! Whew ! The good news is that the blanket is taking hardly any time at all ! I 've made it so many times with so many different yarns , I 'm having fun with it . I do realize that by the time it 's done , I will want to kill myself . It happens every time . But that 's OK ! So here is how far I 've gotten since I started last night : This blanket is so pretty , it 's a pastel rainbow , blending from white in the middle , to green on the outside . I am currently on the first of two rows of solid pink . I can 't wait to see photos of it wrapped around the new arrival ! And by the way , my bracelet finally arrived today . There was a surprise inside the package , they had sent me two more bracelets for free . I am still pretty upset about the whole shipping thing , and I think an apology would go a long way for me . I don 't see that happening . Excuse me while I go unfavorite their facebook page . . . . About 9 days ago , I ordered a beautiful , perfectly me , bracelet from a website I found , ebracelets . com . I chose the regular mail option for shipping , because the other choices , FedEx or UPS , cost more than the bracelet did . I received my confirmation email on Monday , one week ago , saying that I should receive my package in 1 - 3 days . I made myself wait until Thursday to go to the Post Office and check . There was no package . I even went up to the counter and asked the nice postal clerk , who knows me , to check for me . Still no package . When I got home , I re - opened the email , and found a tracking link . This is the most recent tracking info , from Friday night . At the bottom , you can see they shipped it from Westport CT . on 8 / 28 . It only took 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to Jersey City , NJ . The line above that one shows when it left Jersey City . My question would be WHY THE FRACK DID IT NEED TO SIT IN FRACKING JERSEY CITY FOR 60 FRACKING HOURS ? ? Following the chart up one more line , we see that it took another 22 hours to get to another city in NJ , Kearny , where it sat for a mere 5 minutes . That is the last time it was tracked . Friday fracking night . Just for shits and giggles , I checked the mail again on Saturday . My package still wasn 't there . Being justifiably upset , I sent off an email to the bracelet company . I realize it 's not really their fault , but an unhappy customer might not order from them again . The response I got was disappointing , to say the least . The owner patted himself on the back for shipping my package so quickly , " YAY team " , and stated it 's not his fault if the mail is slow . He also sort of said it was more my own fault , since I chose the shipping method . Huh ? I have always had pretty good luck with the Postal Service in general , with the exception of our local Post Office . See one of my very early posts for that story . This whole thing has left a very bad taste in my mouth , and I will probably not order from them again . I feel the least they could have done was appologise , and perhaps offer freBicraftualMe I got the camera out , and took some photos . Of my birthday presents , the cat toy I made for the new kitten , and the yarn for the baby blankets . First up , my gift from Kim ! I have it hung right now on the wall in my future craft room . Here 's what I received from the Cherub ! Now , here is the cat toy I made for Jess and Julie 's new kitten . This is based on a toy I made for my cat Ozzy . It 's especially made for lazy people , you throw one end , and hold onto the other , then pull it slowly to entice the kitty . Ozzy loved his for a long time . I took two photos , one of the whole thing , and one close up so you can see the business end better . I have , somewhere , a bag o ' bells . I was going to put one in the middle of the toy for extra zing . I couldn 't find the bells , no matter where I looked . So the toy is bell - less . Last night on facebook , I was accused of favoritism . So this morning , I made another toy for Sara 's cats . I don 't have a photo of that one . It 's the same as the one above , just in a different color . I used the cotton yarn from the background of the potholder with the purple skull on it . Posted by New Project Started ! Before my birthday lunch with son Jesse and his girlfriend Julie , I had time to hit the Hobby Lobby store in Poughkeepsie . I went there because they are the only store in the entire area that carries the Bernat Baby Coordinates yarn , in the colors I need , for the blanket I am going to make . By the way , Hubs requested I stick to the original design of the blanket , the 12 pointed star . The aforementioned colors are : white , yellow , peach , soft pink , lavender , soft blue , and soft green . 1 skein each of the white and yellow , 2 each of the rest . I also got some different yarn , enough for a second blanket , of a different design . But also one that I have made many , many times . I thought it was only fair to make both . I was done buying yarn early , so I went to the restaurant and sat crocheting in the parking lot until the kids got there . I finished the chain of 152 , and the first row of single crochet while I waited . We had a very nice lunch ! It was great to hear the adventures of the new kitten in their house . I hope they find a new name for him soon , as I don 't think Pesto really fits his personality . Jess and I agreed that they should ask his grandma , my mom , as she is a genius at naming animals . I can 't wait to hear what she comes up with . |
Tonight Mom and Dad , along with Drew , made it over a very snowy and difficult Cascades pass . I didn 't know all day if it would happen , as the passes looked awful . They made it over and we enjoyed a quiet late afternoon together . Although everyone was tired , we decided that it would be fun for the boys to open their presents tonight so they could enjoy their toys for the duration . For the record . . . . the Whipples played by the rules and stayed within the dollar amount . The Kings / Vankemsekes cheated and showered us with way too much goodness ! It 's embarrassing really , but Thomas loved his toys , John and I got exactly what we wanted , and Drew was enjoying setting up Shark Park with Uncle John when near disaster struck ! Thomas takes a HEADER out of his crib ! Yep , there 's a first time for everthing and tonight Thomas decided it was time to try out his climbing skills - despite the presence of an ever vigilant Nana and his father no more than 8 feet away on the floor . However it started ( no one saw him climb up ) , John saw the ending and I heard it from the kitchen . Mom ran out of the room calling for Jesus and I rushed passed her to see what that thud was . Turns out it was the back of Thomas 's head meeting Mr . Hardwood floor - head on - literally ! We haven 't had much luck at the ER during the Christmas season , but I truly thought this one had passed us by without the mandatory visit . Four years ago we had to take a baby Drew to the ER with breathing difficulties . Three years ago I spend Christmas day being evaluated with what turned out to be my first ( and only ) migraine , despite my best prediction that I had to be dying of a brain hemorrage with the intense pain . Last year everyone was sick , including John 's cousins that came to town , but to my best recollections , no one had to visit the ER . So , I actually had the nerve to remark to Brad that it looked like everyone was healthy this year , as he made his way up to visit with his family . Hmmmmm . . . . great call ! The ER was slammed that night , but Thomas seemed to enjoy himself checkiPosted by I sometimes feel just a bit guilty about it , but not enough to stop . I remember the pain of it as a child . Dreading the moment when it would arrive , and I would have to sit , sometimes quiety , sometimes with as much fervor as I could muster in my little body . And now , like a father passing on his family name and wealth , I shall too pass along the pain . . . . the pain of weekend SPORTS ! ( Although with my father it was mostly baseball and M . A . S . H ) Yes , Thomas may control the activities of our daily lives , with our schedules , our Nick Jr / Disney television shows , and our freetime , but he does not have much say when the Seahawks play this season . His only choice in the matter has been which jersey he wants to wear , and his choice is Hasselbeck or Alexander . And since his grandpa is NOT an Alexander fan , most often he has been seen wandering our hallway in Hasselbeck , aimlessly trying to distract us with trains , trucks and a whine here and there . He will learn . . . . oh yes he will , and it is not like he is not rewarded for his patience . I have been known to bribe him with pizza and candy , pretzels and other treats . Sometimes it 's even been our treat that he goes down for his nap . . . . RIGHT BEFORE kickoff ! How amazing is that ! And so , yes , I do sometimes feel guilty that Thomas must suffer through a game here and there . . . but only for brief moments . After all , it 's the Seahawks ! Each time we 've gone to the mall , we 've taken Thomas up to see Santa , wondering if " this " would be the time Thomas would agree to go up and have his picture taken . Each time Thomas has been more than content to look at the lights and check out " fosty " and his little friends . Today we realized it was crunch time for getting this year 's picture done , so we decided to take him to Yeager 's sport store to meet Santa there , and if he wasn 't into that Santa , we 'd take him to the mall for one last shot at that Santa . Well , he wasn 't diggin ' Yeager Santa , so we tried our luck at the mall . It didn 't look good , as just before it was our turn , the tape in the helper 's machine ran out , prompting a longer than necessary wait . Yeah , Thomas was running out of patience . BUT , John pulled out the big gun . . . . Thomas 's Harvey train , and right then Santa called him up . With John gently coaxing Thomas to show Santa his new train , Thomas made his way towards Santa , and let Santa pull him into his lap . It was a great shot , too ! Thomas is changing every day , and never more evident than with his vocabulary . He is saying new words every day , and is quite the one word chatter box in the car these days . He loves to point out the Christmas lights , frosty , icy , snow , smooth , splash , mo - mo ( Elmo ) , Jay - Jay , rain , mulk ( milk ) choo - choos , andy ( candy ) , Santa , baa ( bath ) , la la ( salad ) , juice , drink , nak ( snack ) go - go ( yogurt ) Yesh ( yes , which is said with a lot of vigor and was taught to him by his grandma while I worked ! ) Jesha ( Jesus ) , coffee , and our favorite " wah - poo " , which we believe is his Native American word for both fire and pretzel . Grandpa is bubba and Grandma Lil is mah - mah . Grandpa Darrell is Papa and Grandma Marion is Nana . I 'm Mommy and John is Dad - deeeee , usually said with much enthusiasm . He loves to read in his crib , and we 've had a lot of nights where we 've put him to bed , only to have him sitting up in his crib half hour to an hour later " reading " his books and making tractor noises . John and I took him for a late walk through the neighborhood and up to the Pohlmans last night , and when we came back we visited the shop and Grandpa . While in there I noticed that Thomas has a block of wood with different sizes of screws and holes in it , and watched in amazement as Thomas picked out a screwdriver , fit it into the correct screw and then began screwing it into the wood . Call me ignorant , but they 're selling huge wooden play toys for kids Thomas 's age and here Thomas has the fine motor skills to work it out on his own with the real thing . When I asked Lil about it , she said that he didn 't know how to do it last week , but has worked hard at it each time they go up to visit , and now this week he has it mastered . I 'll bet money he 'll be working the table saw next week at the rate they 're going . Thomas waited all day for Grandpa to get back from Seattle today , and when he did come in , Thomas was up the stairs like a rocket to see his favorite buddy . They took off together outside , leaving Lil and I to catch up on the last few day 's events . Within a few minutes , I catch sight of Grandpa hauling Thomas back towards the house , and by the sounds of it , Thomas is none to pleased with something . Thomas rarely cries , and and was really going after it , so both Lil and I head for the back door to meet up with them . When we got to the door , I opened it , only to find Bruce holding a howling and soaking wet Thomas , who was flailing his arms and lunging for me . I pulled his soaked body to me , and Bruce and I tried an attempt at stripping the boy , who thankfully was fully dressed but without a bulky coat . As we stripped him , Bruce told me that Thomas had jumped into the waterfall pond . Lil asked Bruce where he was , and Bruce said , " Right beside him . " It was so funny , and even as I 'm trying to calm Thomas down with soothing words and mama talk , I wanted to laugh out loud . The waterfall and ponds that Bruce build and beautifully landscaped have never been an issue for any of us . We just never let Thomas out of our sight , as you can imagine what a wonderful adventure they hold for a little boy . He enjoys them a lot , and we let him go around them , throw rocks at times , but we 're never far away . We 're constantly talking to him about them , though , as he 'll still try and see how close he can get to them without us pulling him back . So , we 'll see how Thomas addresses the ponds tomorrow after his little adventure today . Nothing a hot bath won 't cure , that 's for sure ! We went to Costco tonight to get supplies and we had a great time checking out the toys , playing basketball with the display hoop , running down the aisles and eating ! It was a good time had by all , especially seeing Thomas polish off a huge hotdog at 8 o ' clock at night ! I just knew he 's sleep well with a belly full of hotdog and lemonade . So , now Thomas likes to hold my hand and take off running and squeals with glee as we run together . So , we took off across the parking lot , and of course , the cold air hits his lungs and by the time we got to the car he was coughing . As I put him in his carseat he 's coughing so much he 's gagging . . . . and then the fun begins ! Costco hotdog comes spewing forth , again and again . As Thomas pukes , I catch it with my hands ( I 'm trying to keep it from getting on him , me , his carseat or the floorboards . ) As I catch the hotdog slime , I throw it out of the car into the parking lot and go back for more , as Thomas doesn 't stop with just a few heaves . More and more , and then John gets into the act , as I 'm having trouble with the lemonade / hotdog / stomach acids concoction we are experiencing . Finally , Thomas rids himself of all nourishment for the evening , I wipe things up with the spare box of wipies that I stashed in the car , and we 're off ! Shaking our heads and commenting about how only with your own are you able to handle a situation like that and drive away with a smile and a chuckle . God , can we get a break on the stomach experiences ? ! ! ! Saturday morning - This morning I was going to run the Jingle Bell Run , but I woke up a bit late , and decided it wasn 't worth the effort with the frigid cold and all . Plus , John woke up and said he didn 't feel well . I waited around a bit for him to get out of bed , and played with Thomas , all the while itching to go out on my own run . By 9 : 30 I 'd lost my gumption to go out and the early morning coffee high had worn off , so I was content just to sit around and enjoy a lazy Saturday morning . John finally pulled himself up but he was really feeling sick to his stomach , so most hope of Christmas shopping and festivities quickly went out the window . AND , by 11 : 30 I was starting to feel a little funny . NO JOKE ! By nap time , John had already hit the toilet for the 1st of several toilet competitions ( whose turn is it to watch Thomas , who 's got the can ? ) between John and myself . By mid afternoon I 'd entered the puke - a - thon , and the race was on to see who could dehydrate the quickest ! It 's horrible to be sick . . . . it 's double horrible to be sick with a toddler who could care less if your insides are threatening to erupt out of your body and you feel like you 're being run over by a diesel truck over a bed of stinging ants . . . it 's most horrible when two parents are jockeying for toilet time while trying to keep a toddler content ! What a nightmare ! I hate throwing up ! That 's why I 've never gotten drunk . . . because I HATE TO THROW UP ! I willed myself to not throw up for my entire pregnancy , despite 9 months of sickness , except for that one time on our cruise when the foo - foo chicken and a high seas storm sent me running . Anyway , by evening , I was practically begging for Bruce and Lil to get back to watch him for awhile , because he really needed time to run around and go outside , and we just couldn 't manage it . They did get home and took him off our hands for awhile and Lil cleaned our disaster of a house ( God bless that woman ! ) . We felt so sorry for him , as he 'd been couped up all day long . I went to bed . I couldn 't do anything else . Posted by It 's very sad to think about , but our times playing with the Pohlmans in our neighborhood are dwindling quickly . They are leaving for Seattle some time next year , and although we have truly enjoyed all our time together since they 've moved back , it is even more apparent how much they will be missed now that we know they are going . This morning Jodi called while I was out on my run and wanted to meet up for a walk . It is bitterly cold here , but after getting back home , feeding Thomas and getting him ready , we were ready to hit the hills of our neighborhood . It is a refreshing treat to chat with Jodi , and always fun to share stories since we last caught up . I try not to think about her leaving , as it is very difficult to feel like you 're losing something , but as we go about our days , I can 't help but think about how short our days are together . I want to really enjoy each and every time we just run up to their house , or she stops by with Lauren just to play , or we hang out up at their house together , or our jaunts around the neighborhood with the kids . I thought we would have many years together , watching our beautiful kids grow up together , but I guess God has different plans for our lives , and a different path for us to travel down . I trust that he will bring peace and happiness in this decision , and will ease the transition with their leaving . This afternoon , Thomas and I walked up to Jenny 's house and played , before leaving to make our way back home for dinner . Of course , Thomas can walk up to the house , but when it 's time to go , he 's all mama 's boy and wants to be held " like a baby " , or so he says . I look back and realize what a wonderful day is was , full of laughter and great friends . I couldn 't ask for more from a day ! Thomas helped me whip up a batch of strawberry dessert that is one of my favorites that both Mom and Grandma used to make . It was a lot of fun having Thomas help me hold the mixer as we added different ingredients . I look forward to having him help out with the chocolate chip cookies next ! Today we headed out to Mt . Baker highway to cut a tree and hang out with our friends Carrie and Kevin and Kevin 's mother Liz . We didn 't want to cut our tree this early , but we wanted to spend time with them , as they live in Seattle and we rarely see them these days . Carrie and I used to be running partners , and since she left I have yet to find a running buddy who will meet me at the trailhead at 5 am , in the dark , with our headlamps shining , bundled up in multiple layers to keep the freezing temperatures from killing us . I 'm sure Kevin is still heated about me bailing on our Frosty run this morning , I knew my knee wasn 't up to it , and the physical therapist has yet to clear me for more than 4 miles . I hope he forgives me one of these days ! We enjoyed our time running around in the trees and snow while looking for the perfect tree . The Santa in the shack didn 't impress Thomas but the Quad bikes in the parking lot sure did ! Thomas was interested in the airplanes as much as any toddler would . He enjoyed looking out the windows of the plane and watching the construction projects going on around the Seatac airport while we waited in the terminal . The play areas scattered around help out , too , and the employees of the terminal were very kind and interested in helping . These pictures show just how interested Thomas was in the airplane adventure ! After much agonizing , I decided to take Thomas to Yakima to meet the new baby . His cold appears to be wrapping up , and he 's looking better all the time . It was difficult leaving John behind for many reasons , and the thought of all the " what ifs " is enough to send a person over the edge . At one point I even considered the clothing we were wearing in case of a crash landing in the Cascades and I had to walk Thomas out . Uhhhhh . . . . . just a little crazy you might think ! Aside from a very sick stomach due to nerves , the trip out of Bellingham was wonderful . We shared our area with a flight attendant stationed in Alaska and she was great to sit and chat with . I didn 't even have to take out our new portable DVD player , as Thomas was very content to eat his snacks and watch out the window . He seemed to enjoy pointing out the ships that dotted the coastline as we flew to Seattle . Thomas cried pretty good during landing and clawed at his ears and face , but he made it through it all and pulled it together on the landing . You can try all the tricks to help on landing , but the drink , the binkie , the candy and the crackers - nothing worked this time . Once at Seatac , a very intuitive employee read the look on my face as absolute confusion , and quickly hussled Thomas and I back down an elevator , down an outdoor tunnel and pointed us to the shuttle bus that we needed to take . Without her guidance Thomas and I would probably still be walking around the terminal wondering why we couldn 't find our gate . I asked the shuttle driver where I should have looked to see that I had to go outside the terminal to ride the bus to get to another gate , and he smiled at me and told me that I could have also taken the inside tram . Uhhhh . . . . that didn 't quite answer my question , but I 'll let my ignorance go at this point . Good thing for helpful terminal employees . The flight to Yakima was fantastic . There was an open seat next to me and I was able to strap Thomas in to the seat and sit back while he ate his Goldfish and watched Elmo . Thanks God for Elmo . Posted by We have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving ! A beautiful new baby girl , quite a miracle if we consider how many years it 's taken to get her here . We have healthy children , if you don 't count Thomas 's second cold in three weeks , Drew 's broken arm and Jake 's hives . We have warm homes , beautiful families , reality tv , McDonalds and a few double chins to spare . This year found us taking an early morning run and some time down at the park , throwing rocks in the lake and watching the dogs play in the water . Last night , Thomas flew off the slide up at the Firs , and although it was hilarious to watch , we 're trying to slow him down a bit today by wiping off the water first . Someday Thomas may be haunted by the slide as much abuse as he 's had lately flying down the slide . I ran today only because I wanted to eat , and I made it around my circuit thinking about the cinnamon rolls and pumpkin pie I wanted to consume in large amounts later . It is amazing how fast I was today ! Thomas lasted longer than I thought he would , with his cold and all , but we headed home to warm up and take a nap . After much debate , we ended up heading out to the Zenders to celebrate with Barb 's family , and it turned out to be a fun afternoon , although I was very worried about exposing the boys to whatever Thomas has these days . Glad we went , though . We all had a great time . This evening found us bemoaning the fact that we missed the afternoon football game . Family , good food and football . . . . that 's Thanksgiving . I 'm not much into the parade and balloons but I enjoy a good football game on Thanksgiving . I looked through photos from the last year and a half , and it amazes me how many changes have come our way . I am so grateful to be Thomas 's mother this year , and I can 't imagine life without my little boy . Every day is a treasure for me , however crazy and challenging it may be , and I can honestly say that I would not give up a single moment of my life for anything other than what we have now . I bellyache about not sleeping in , but my heart overfloPosted by Today was a big day for us ! I needed to get an errand done out at the mall , and after getting home from work and finding Thomas hungry , I decided to take him out to dinner at Red Robin before running over to the mall . I 've found that Thomas does exceptionally well when I call in our food ahead of time , and it worked like a charm again this time . By the time we were walking to our table , the waiter was there with our food . In fact , it was on the table before I even had a chance to get him seated , which was great , as we didn 't have to wait . We ate , met up with John , then hurried to the mall . Now , here 's the " wonders " part . Thomas had a GREAT time at the mall . He walked with us , played with the toys , visited with Santa ( he liked the snowman and fake snow better ) and then walked with us some more . There was no running off , no tantrums , no fussing over things , just pleasant conversation and adventures into the stores we needed to go to . When it was time to leave the Target toy aisles , he quietly said and waved goodbye to the toys and we walked out . It was quite amazing . Then , tonight , after changing his diaper , I reminded him that he didn 't have his diaper on and that if he needed to go potty he should tell us and we 'd take him to the potty . He immediately said potty and they raced off down the hallway to the potty . He sat momentarily on his little potty , then hauled himself off and raced for the big potty . John put him up on the potty and he went . Then he wanted his bath . After a long bath , we again reminded him that he was running around without his diaper , and he said potty again . Again , he raced off to the toilet , and again he hit the mark ! It was so funny to see this little boy . John and I are both left wondering what 's up now . I haven 't read anything on potty training yet , haven 't looked into it at all , so I 'm really just letting Thomas dictate this phase of his life . We 'll see how it goes , but for now I have to sit back and marvel at my little boy ! Stop now if you don 't want to read about potties and such . . . . Okay , so I guess you 've decided to stay ! Did you hear about the theory that a baby can be trained from birth to be potty trained , and that if you are just aware enough of their physical cues , then your six month old should be potty trained ? Of course , in the same article , they talked about how they themselves gave up in frustration after having to time and time again change clothes and clean up mess after mess . Well , although I try to read parenting books , articles and other parents advice with the mindset that I can pull some out and discard what I don 't like or can 't use , this article was worthy of Thomas 's playtime , and I enjoyed watching him rip it up in utter glee . I think some of it even dissolved in a pile of drool . Although like any good mother it is in the back of my mind , I only care that Thomas is out of diapers by pre - school , which is a prerequisite at most schools around here . So , with that , we have noticed that Thomas is increasingly interested in the toilet . Although he has tried to put some items into the bowl itself , he is most fascinated by flushing and opening and closing the lid . He knows pee - pee and oop , and point to himself when he thinks he 's going , has to go , toots , or anything remotely associated . We don 't think he 's quite grasped the concept , but he 's getting there . One recent scenario is this . . . Thomas says pee - pee and pulls at his diaper . We take it off and let him go amuse himself down the hall on his potty chair . He sits there , hangs out a bit , I go and try to help him aim downward , he giggles and then climbs off , racing for the computer room . Once there John and I get distracted , only to hear him making some noise over by the speakers . Of course , he 's pee - ing . A LOT ! We laugh it off and chat about how nice it would have been if he 'd actually been on the potty . Not more than 2 minutes later , just after I 've gotten it all cleaned up , Thomas says pee - pee again . I say , " No , Thomas , you just went " but he heads for the potty down Posted by Baby Grace presented herself to the world at 1 : 54 pm this afternoon , in very typical " King " fashion , I might add . " Nothing can be easy , by golly " ! Face up and two wraps of the cord , but she is here and healthy , and that is all that matters ! God is so wonderful , and we thank everyone who prayed for both mom and baby through this journey . Andrea did a great job , in my opinion , and asked for drugs early on . Kudos to the epidural dude for getting there in under an hour , as I think my guy took about 3 hours just to walk into the hospital . ( Man , I 'd still pay him a chunk of my hide for saving me , though ! ) Mom called with the specifics , but I don 't recall the exacts . . . . she 's 7 pounds , 4 ounces , I think , and 21 1 / 2 inches long . Huh ! ! ! Where did that come from . . . . . certainly not Billy ! ! ! Dark black hair and Billy 's feet . That 's what mom gave me . I 'll update later when I 've had the chance to chat with Andrea , which shouldn 't be too long now as she was giving birth to Jake when she called me while I was in Miami on vacation . I 'm hurt she didn 't call for this delivery ! ! ! What 's up with that ? Of course , this coming from the girl who was pretty much out cold from epidural . I 'm thankful I was conscious for the delivery of Thomas . . . there was nothing close to using the phone during that delivery ! Yep , it was time , although I don 't quite know what sparked this as THE day , but it just seemed right . For weeks now . . . okay , let 's be honest . . . months now , we 've talked about it , debated it , and procrastinated about it . This coming from a girl who said she didn 't think Thomas would last 6 months in our room , and even argued with my father about why it 's not wise to keep a baby in the same room as the parents . ( My physician laughed at me when I told him , after he asked how our marriage was , and I still haven 't told Thoma 's pediatrician that he was still in our room . I squirm under the knowing smile of Jodi when she asks if I 've made the move , and I avoid mentioning it to anyone other than Jodi or Jenny , or my father , who probably thinks Thomas should sleep in our room , safe and well tended to , until he leaves for college . ) Boy , was I wrong ! There were several times when we were so very close to moving him out , but then he 'd get sick , or someone would come to visit , or his room wasn 't done , or . . . . You 'd be amazed at how many quality excuses you can make when you really have no backbone . It was difficult for US , not him . It took him a little longer to go to sleep , but nothing serious , and I was the one stressing as I went to bed . Would I hear him if he needed me ? Would he wake up scared , not knowing where we were ? Would he wake up in the morning sad that he couldn 't peek his little head over the rail of his crib and call out to us , or wake us up by turning off the fan and turning the light on ? Oh , the misery ! Nope , nothing spectacular happened , besides the fact that I slept soundly and woke up before Thomas . We even made it until 7 : 30 , and I didn 't stress about the bed squeaking as I pulled myself out to go for my morning run , and I didn 't jump out of my skin to reach the alarm before it woke him up . I walked out to see if everything was okay , and he was sound asleep , content as ever . It was a good feeling to know that we apparently did no damage in holding us in our room too long , or booting him out with no warning . ThiPosted by Today , I had the day off and we headed up to Whistler after an amazing invite by Matt and Jodi . Our favorite place to vacation is Whistler , and we have eagerly been looking forward to this trip up with them . We have been up several times with Matt and Jodi , both with kids and without , and we really enjoy hanging out and relaxing together . They are one of those couples who you can play hard with or sit back at the house and do nothing with , and still have a blast . And now with Lauren and Thomas so close in age , it is great to be able to share time with them and watch the kids play and interact ( well , someday they may play " together " . ) They love to be together , and Thomas will call for Lo - Lu , wake up asking for her , and point to her road in our neighborhood , but it still takes the parents to help them along in the share and play nicely arena ! On Friday , driving up I taught Thomas the snow dance , and he seemed to enjoy seeing Mama waving her hands around in the air when the snowflakes began to come down , but sadly , there was no snow in the village . We picked up groceries , toured the village , grabbed some dinner , then headed back to the house to wait for their arrival . Thomas and I couldn 't wait , though , and headed to bed just as they arrived . Early Saturday , Matt was chompin on the bit to head up the mountain , and they headed off very early to hit the slopes on opening day . Jodi and I took our time , relaxing , taking the kids for a walk in the neighborhood , and then made our way into the village for breakfast and coffee . The kids are a hit in the village and it 's fun to see people interacting with the kids wherever we go . By mid day the guys returned and Matt and Jodi took us our for snacks at The Chateau Whistler over on Blackcomb , where the kids ran around the lobby playing with the dog and the bear statues . Jodi introduced me to the mojito , which may or may not be a good thing ! Afterwards , we headed down to the main village to look around , shop and eat dinner . They treated us to dinner at our favorite restaurant , Posted by Today , November 4th , we finally bowed to pressure and cut Thomas 's hair . It was very difficult to cut off his shiny , golden white curls , but the long mullet curl had to go . Unfortunately , I was too in shock to take a picture , but we did manage to save it for his baby book . John did a great job on the trim and luckily the curls , in shorter version , still manage to come out when we do his hair . I do not want his hair in any way to look like we cut it , and I love the messy curls that he has . When his hair is curly , he still looks like my little baby . With it short , he looks way too grown up and much more like a boy than a baby . I 'm not ready to give up my little buddy just yet ! It has been a great week of new words and lots of play time outside in the chilly weather . That has been hard on me , as I 'd rather been tucked away inside than trudging through the neighborhood checking out all the fascinating things only a toddler would love . Just today I pulled out my very unflattering , yet very warm fleece lined jeans , the ones I bought when I was doing work crews with the probation kids . Thomas enjoys saying " whoa " to things he thinks are interesting , and he 's also saying " wowwww " more and more . Today , Jodi and I took the kids out to Donette Studio to get their Halloween picture taken . Lauren was Elmo and Thomas was a big furry bear . The kids did great , and it will be interesting to see " Elmo " and " Bear " together in their picture . We went trick or treating at Matt 's office and then I raced over to John 's office , then we headed back to Jodi 's house to eat pizza and cupcakes with the Lawrences , Bruce and Lil , and Punky . Lil brought an incredible salad and a fruit plate , and it was delicious . It was quite the scene watching the kids race from all ends of the house ( to greet the kids at the door , ofcourse ! ) when the doorbell rang , and I 'm sure the trick or treaters coming to the door weren 't sure what to make of six screaming kids jumping up and down meeting them at the door . Maybe they were a bit frightened ! The pouring rain , thunder and lighting kept us at five neighbor house , and we came back to the house soaking wet , but it was a great time none the less ! We had a lot of fun with Thomas 's second Halloween ! Kids in the PhotosDorothy - Sophia LawrenceSpider - Matthew LawrenceMonkey - Isaac Lawrence ( 1 year ) White Bunny - Madeline LawrenceElmo - Lauren Pohlman ( 2 years ) Bear - Thomas Whipple ( 19 months ) Very early this morning Jenny called us up and we all headed up to the fire house to eat pancakes and check out the equipment . Thomas enjoys making this high pitched squeal as his engine sound , and he really liked climbing into the engine and checking out the buttons and other gadgits they have . The Lawrence kids , minus Isaac , took a tour of the fire house and learned about what to do when there is a fire , and it was great to see Lance pull himself from the " burning building " and down the ladder . I like to take Thomas down to Fairhaven to look through the shops , and as a treat we go have gelato . Tonight we took Daddy out and shared raspberry and chocolate . Thomas is quite the hit wherever we go , and it 's always interesting to listen to the comments we get about him . I take him to the toy store and the ladies always comment on how he picks things up and puts them away so nicely . It makes me wonder what other children do . I would think that when children play with things they should also put them back , but by the way the ladies comment at the stores we go to , I wonder if other children aren 't taught manners and the way to behave in stores and in public . I don 't know why I 'm surprised , though , considering I work with juvenile offenders . Looking for things to keep busy on a cold day , we went to Lowes and climbed on the wee - wees ( wheelbarrows ) and lawnmowers and looked at the Christmas lights and houses . Thomas also enjoyed taking a tour of the bathtubs before I caught up to him and yanked him out . It was another good , quiet Saturday ! I know this blog is supposed to be about Thomas and his life , but every once in awhile the parents must kick up their heels cowboy style and blow out of dodge ! That 's just what John and I did ! We ran out of town , but unfortunately this time we didn 't have our steady concert partners in crime Erica and Brad with us , though . We had long moments of discomfort sitting in the car trying to make our way into Vancouver , and with a conversation from my co - worker Greg ringing in my ear about how Canada is better , I tried to figure out how five lanes of traffic merging into one to flow through a tunnel during rush hour makes sense ! The beginnings of craziness ! Since staying at the Ho - Jo downtown for John 's 1st marathon this spring , he 's a pro at finding his way around downtown and parking was a breeze . People seemed to be taking both the lineup outside and the rain in stride and the entertainment while we waited was interesting . We watched panhandlers roving in and out of the crowd , some sort of alternative bicycle parade roll by in costumes of some sort , a street musician camped out right by us who was happy to take requests , and the occasional hoots and hollers from the street . We even had a Bat Man in the city bus doing a pole dance for us all as the bus passed . I remarked to John that the big city scares me after seeing this particular bus scene ! The best entertainment in the line , though , was when suddenly , out of nowhere , a man comes sauntering down the line . Yep , it was Dierks ! Just walking along the sidewalk , nothing fancy about it , but as he walked and people figured out it was really him , you could hear the gasps and squeals begin to greet him as he went down the sidewalk and around the building . It was shocking to be standing there in line in the rain , chatting with those around us , only to the see the man himself taking it all in as he walked around . Once inside , things took a stressful tone , as I missed the Will Call booth where I was to get my backstage pass , and then from there it was misinformation after misPosted by Today we left Bellingham and traveled over the pass to visit the family and celebrate Jake 's 2nd birthday . Next week is looking very busy with a concert on Friday night up in Canada and Halloween activities , so we pushed it up a week . The pass was beautiful and Thomas had a great ride over , playing with his toys , reading his books on tractors and sleeping . We didn 't need to make a stop until we got into Union Gap , where John stopped for Teriyaki while we waited for the family to catch up to us . I decided to wait to eat when we got into Toppenish , because I thought it safer to eat burgers at Pioneer Kitchen than eat Teriyaki in Yakima . I 'm not too sure about Teriyaki in Yakima . Never had Teriyaki in Yakima before . Burgers . . . yes . Mexican food . . . yes . But Teriyaki ? ! ! ! I didn 't want to have to visit the port - a - potty too many times out at Shell Farms , so I passed ! Turns out , the food was excellent ! So was the little side trip down memory lane in downtown Toppenish . My , it was almost as if ghosts were walking around town . Very strange to visit your old stomping grounds and remember the old days . I was pretty darn close to the street where I 'd take the old green bomb , full of friends , at high speeds , down the road and over a huge bump , and literally have that car flying . How I managed to not kill us all or end up in jail for all sorts of charges . . . I 'll never know ! We had a great time out at Shell Farms , then traveled back home . We were all very tired . The boys had so much fun together . And my buddy , Drew , was indeed able to show me how to ride his bike without training wheels . He 'd been so sad about breaking his arm and not being able to show me , but he was able to , cast and all , and I was so proud of him . He is such a ham , and so fun to be with . I even caught mom toodling around on my old bike that Drew found in the bushes and cleaned up . Now , wonders never cease . Flat tire and all ! We celebrated Jake with a Thomas party set up that Andrea had put together , opened presents and had lime jello , a layer bar cake , cupcakes aPosted by Today was a crazy day ! Not only did I have to work , but I wanted to celebrate Lauren 's birthday tonight with cupcakes and dinner , get a present for Billy 's belated birthday , finalize Jake 's birthday presents , go to an invitation only shoe boutique grand opening with Jodi and Jenny , and get ready to go to Yakima for the weekend . As Thomas now says , " Whoa ! " It was a great night , and thanks to Matt picking up the pizzas , the night went a lot smoother than I thought . We celebrated with birthday cupcakes , much to Lauren 's delight , ate pizzas , opened presents , then Jodi and I rushed off to the shoe boutique , leaving the guys to " babysit " . Hmmmm . . . after the many nights the guys have spent hangin ' out in the shop , Jodi and I are debating coming up with our own " project " to work on . Late night dinner and gelato seems like a good " project " to me ! After returning from the grand opening ( Jodi and Jenny bought shoes , and I bought a fancy belt ) , we relieved the guys to work on the studio wood project and took back the kids . Thomas went down shortly after getting back home , and later John called . Bruce agreed to listen for Thomas on the monitor as I raced up to sit and enjoy the Keith Urban video in the comfort of the big screen ! Fabulous ! What a treat ! |
Author Archives : R . E . Stowell . writer Me ? Build a Cabin ? October 4 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer First Cabin I never expected to build a cabin . I really thought I was going to be a Rancher 's Wife and not even one of the ones that helps out , outdoors , either . I was going to be perfect Susie Homemaker , keeping the house spotless , the meals on time and maybe do the gardening . Of course children would be the perfect ' seen but not heard ' kind , coming along 2 or more years apart at least 4 years after I got married . As babies , they would sleep a lot . Ha . God is really laughing about all that . As I thread my way through the clutter in my home , I think of how clueless I was . It is probably a very good thing I could not foresee the future . I did get to do a lot of gardening , so there is that . Besides , perfect children would have been so boring . I got interesting children instead . Children that thrived on 2 hours of sleep a night . My second experience in building was a semi - underground log cabin . ( See picture above ) I was still extremely afraid of ladders , so built , placed vapor barrier , insulation , dirt and built on some more until I could step off the bank onto the roof . Yay , no ladder needed on the entire project . It was a case of build or lose the property as it was a Homesite . My third experience in building was a frame cabin . 16 ' x 20 ' with a partial loft . It was supposed to be the first of many small rental cabins with the rent paying for construction of the next cabin and so on . I started that project in January 2001 , after a warm spell about 45 degrees F . made it possible to start my old Dozer . I cleared the snow and brush away from an area not in the way of anything else planned . A Pulaski and muscle made semi - level pads to place pier blocks on as a foundation . A small sawmill in Fairbanks provided rough cut lumber at a reasonable price so I made the floor deck of 2 × 6 's , then insulated between the joists and added a plywood deck . I kept on going . Using rough cut 2 × 4 's , I built the wall frames . A friend helped me raise the beam across the top of the walls to support the loft floor . I used 2 × 4 's 12 inches apart for the floor upstairs as I didn 't have the money to buy any more 2 × 6 's . Then it got scary . I needed to use a ladder to work on the upstairs . I was really running out of supplies by this time , so only built one side wall , 4 feet high , then the end gables , using a ridgepole for rafter support . I was able to get rafters and the same friend did help out by putting the rafters and metal roofing on . I house wrapped and insulated it without any siding on the outside . The small sawmill had rough cut slab boards that I bought to use as siding on the outside walls and it sturdied up the building a lot to have some nailed up all around the outside . I couldn 't reach very high , while holding each board , so would place a nail in just enough to hold one end of the board while I nailed the other end in place , nailed that one and pulled the nail to use for the next board . Once I got to the highest I could reach , that was it . No more siding , just house wrap above that . The windows were easy to place . I had some on hand and used their measurements while building the walls , then just slid them into place . I bought 6 of them and one was given to me . I started sheetrocking the downstairs , even though I dislike sheetrock . It was very cheap , less than $ 4 a sheet . I made a spiral staircase for the small loft . It was a royal pain as I hadn 't a clue what I was doing but it is still working , 14 years later . I put part of it up , The Grouch and his son did put the rest of it up . I nailed plywood up for the ceiling . That was fun . I played tour Guide for a nice man visiting from Utah with his son , taking them to Valdez fishing . When we returned , they build a small bathroom downstairs and sheetrocked it , too . The cabin wasn 't even finished when The Grouch moved in and has been in residence ever since with a brief bout of moving back to Pennsylvania , never to return , although he was back here quite soon . The first 3 1 / 2 years he was on payroll so the cabin was part of his pay . When he started getting a monthly check , he paid rent a few months . Since that third cabin , I seem to always have some sort of building in progress . Mom sold her house , sent the money up and we built her a home . Then I built a shop , then we built my Daughter a house . We are still working on my Grandson 's house . We are also still working on a small gift shop , a very small rental cabin , both using mainly salvaged materials . I kind of like building . I still don 't like ladders but I use them anyway . " I am Fine , I am Okay " August 24 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer The Guide I worked for took 3 of our clients out on horseback while I took one of the clients that was as fond of riding a horse as I am , out to glass another valley on foot . We spent a pleasant day and had camp to ourselves all evening as the others were doing a spike camp and would be back tomorrow evening . I listened to his hunting stories a while , then we turned in for the night . We were up early and returned to the hillside we were using as a base to glass the lovely valley below . By late afternoon , we spotted a very nice bull with a couple of cows moving into the valley to feed . It was getting late and too far to stalk before full darkness so we headed back to camp , determined to be waiting for them in the morning at first light . No one was in camp yet , when we arrived but we prepared a nice evening meal so it would be ready when they arrived . We were almost finished preparing the meal when we heard the horses coming in . The client went over to see if he could help them and see if they had any luck . He soon returned , helping one of the riders to a seat beside the fire . The man was obviously injured , but trying very hard not to let on that he even felt any pain . When I looked at him , he said , " I am fine . Really . I am okay . " The Guide was done eating first and started the story of their excursion . They had covered a lot of ground and saw some nice bulls but nothing that excited them . It was still early in the hunt and they wanted to see if they could find something larger . The injured man was only along for the ride as he was a non - resident alien and it would have been very expensive for him to get a license and tags . Everyone was stunned by the suddenness of the event and the poor horse was thrashing and screaming in pain . The Guide threw his reins to one of the other clients and was over , pulling the man out from under the thrashing horse and trying to calm the horse when he saw that the horse had a badly broken leg . He pulled his handgun and shot the horse . As we sat around the fire , whenever anyone would look over at the man , he would still hold up one hand and say , " I am fine . Really . I am okay . " This time , we were loading a truckload of cattle to haul for sale . Dad didn 't get the truck backed to the loading ramp very well , so jammed a log in the gap and I had to stand on the large boulder beside the truck and shoo the cows away from trying to escape out the side gap . Yeah , you can see this one coming . I didn 't . I was busily shooing the cows back from the gap and getting yelled at for not keeping them moving faster when at least one cow stepped on the other end of the log between the bottom of the truckbed and the edge of the ramp . Wheeee ! The end closest to me smacked me under the chin and flipped me backward off the boulder . I came to a bit later , flat on my back on the ground , the sky slowly circling overhead . Someone was yelling at me and I tried to get up , but kept falling back . Finally I managed to get up and staggered over to the boulder and back up on it , shooing the cows back in the gap . Finally the truck was loaded and we all got back on our horses for the ride almost 10 miles back to the house . Every step the horse made felt like a small hammer thumping my head . I couldn 't open my mouth to talk , even . My chin looked like a caricature of a lantern jawed prizefighter . The bruising was quite impressive , too . I found that I couldn 't let anything touch my chin or it hurt even worse and I would get woozy and a little sick to my stomach . If I turned in my sleep and it touched anything , I woke up in pain . As the swelling went down , I discovered a hard small lump in my chin that wasn 't attached but painful if touched . Then I found I had a nick in my jawline about the same size . Evidently a small piece of my jawbone was free floating around in my chin tissue . I eased it back into position , but it wouldn 't stay . Each attempt left me weak in the knees and ill feeling . Finally I decided enough was enough . No one was in the house , so I sterilized a razor blade and did some surgery using the bathroom mirror to see what I was doing . Just as I made my cut , Mom opened the bathroom door and made a small screech . I jumped a little bit so have a bit larger scar than I expected under my chin . I did get the piece of bone out , convinced Mom I wasn 't doing a weird suicide thing and bandaged up my chin . Do - it - yourself Surgery , Part 2 June 24 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer Several years after the surgery on my foot , which healed up finally , I had to do a very minor one by myself , on myself . We had been working cattle on our back range , many miles from the house . It usually took 3 days to move cattle from one pasture to the next , so we left home before daylight and returned after dark . The 1st morning , we rode to work , then corralled the horses in the evening and returned home in the back of my Dad 's cattle truck . My Dad usually took the shortcut home . This shortcut was the dry creek bed , over rocks , small waterfalls , downed trees and other assorted obstacles that would cause most folks to at least pause before driving over or through them . Not my Dad . When we landed , I immediately wished we were back in freefall . The rack bounced out of the stake pockets and hit me under the lower lip , forcing it into my upper front teeth and I heard something snap . What goes up , usually comes down , and it did . Right on top of both my feet . I was wearing flipflops and they are not a lot of protection from a long section of stock rack . I hobbled through the kitchen to the bathroom before Mom got a good look at the bloody mess of my mouth and shut the door behind me . I sat on the side of the tub and ran cold water over my feet and tried to pry my fingers away from my throbbing mouth and lower lip . Then I slid down to the floor and washed my face and hands in the tub of cold water . Most of the bleeding seemed to stop , so I got up and let the messy water out of the tub and looked in the mirror . Yikes . My lower lip was swollen way out with 2 dark lines across it , just under my lip . I could feel something in my lip so finally opened my mouth a bit and pulled my lip down . There , shining white through the blood were the backs of both my front teeth . Somehow , the whole tooth had not broken off , just the enamel off the backs of both , so my teeth still looked fine from the front . I tried to pull the pieces out of my lip , but they were firmly embedded . Out came the alcohol , the peroxide and the tweezers . I soaked the tweezers and then carefully pulled the pieces out of my lip . Then , I quickly poured the peroxide , then the alcohol over my lip and almost blacked out and sat firmly back down on the floor . The thud I made hitting the floor brought Mom and she kinda yelped when she saw my bloody face as it was bleeding again . I used a wet washcloth and held it firmly against my lip , wanting to whine the whole time . The bleeding stopped and Mom brought me some ice cubes to wrap in the washcloth . Most of the swelling went down before I went to bed , but by the next day , I was very colorful and sore . We finished the cattle and rode the horses home the next evening . Just another day on the ranch . A One Eared Elephant June 1 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer I was on the phone to Charlie who was working up north at the time when a friend stopped by the house . He was in a very good mood and wanted to go celebrate the very first contract of his new construction company . He had invited everyone he knew that had encouraged him and helped make it happen and needed a designated driver , too . That would be me . Charlie and I had helped out as much as we could and we were both happy for our friend . Charlie told me to go ahead and go , enjoy myself and tell him all about it later . I made sure we had enough warm clothing just in case of any problems with the vehicle and we headed over to the Pump House on Chena Pump Road . This is a nice restaurant ( President Reagan ate there ) and most of the people invited were already waiting for us to show up . We were seated in the middle of the main dining room and the place was crowded . Just because it was a very cold night didn 't mean people didn 't go out on a Saturday night . The food was great , drinks flowed freely and everyone was having an entertaining evening but the instigator of our group decided it was too dull . He wanted some dancing and music . The more he thought about it , the more he wanted to extend the evening and enjoy being entertained . Finally he jumped up on the table and started telling jokes . Several people at other tables started clapping and hooting , encouraging him to greater lengths . He did a few dance steps but no one would get up on the table with him to dance . He finally couldn 't think of any more stories or jokes to tell and decided to ask the growing audience if anyone there had ever seen a one eared elephant . No one had . He pulled one front pocket of his jeans out and fanned the material out nicely , then started to unbutton his pants . Several of us managed to get him down off the table and hustled out the door as management was on the phone even as we bundled him out the door . The slap of the freezing night air hit him like an actual slap to the face as we stuffed him into his winter coat and then into the pickup . He tried to convince us he could drive but we overruled that immediately and he gave in . The backseat was full of tools and winter gear , so all three of us had to squish together in the front seat . I only had to pull over once for him to hurl and we were almost to my house , when the flashing red lights appeared behind us . I pulled over immediately . The Officer was very nice , but there was a tail light out on the pickup . He got a recap of the entire evening from my passengers , he asked if he should follow us home and assist us into the house . I told him I thought we could get in the house okay , but I would appreciate him following us in the heavy ice fog with the back light out . We made it home okay and the officer was kind enough to wait until we were in the house before he pulled away . I was building a road to the Homesite Charlie had won in a drawing while he worked up north . A friend was having some difficulties and no longer in the construction business so told me I could use the old Road grader he owned . The stipulation was , I had to start it and drive it away . No one offered assistance and I found there were 3 shutoff switches between the batteries and the starter . That part alone took me almost all day . I did get it started and luckily for me , the blade was raised already so I didn 't have to try figuring that part out , just yet . I found a gear that it would move in without killing the engine and headed out toward the Homesite location up the Elliott . I took the back roads as I didn 't know what the regulations were for someone driving something like that on public roads without a clue on how to operate it . That weekend , Charlie was home from working up north and we went out to do some work on the Homesite . He admired the old Road grader , started it up and had me get up in it with him to ride along , I thought . He drove it about 100 feet , raising and lowering the blade , tilting the whole deck and using all the array of gears and levers like a maestro . Then he stopped the Road grader , jumped down , told me to have fun and left . Sheesh , if I had known I was supposed to be the operator , I would have been paying attention . Road graders are a lot of fun , but the newer ones are not be as rough on the Operator . The one I ran was gear driven , an OLD Wabco 440 . No hydraulics but many levers and pedals . There were levers on the dash and ones up through the floor that you used your knees or thighs to press side to side while working the dash levers with your hands and the foot pedals with your feet , of course . If you didn 't release the knee levers quick enough the lever beat the insides of your legs black and blue . Gear driven is immediate pain for neglecting to pay attention . Charlie tried to convince me to try operating a dragline , but after watching them on the river bank tipping up when the bucket snagged something heavy on the river bottom , I said " no thanks . " Share this : TwitterEmailLinkedInFacebookGoogleTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . Alaska Building Musings Operating Equipment reminiscing Uncategorized 1 Do - it - yourself Surgery , Part 1 May 4 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer We lived in the Boonies and loved it . Wild as the woodland creatures around us , none of us had much for social skills . We played in the woods and the swift running creek that in most places would be considered a small swift river . Then we decided the off - limits abandoned mill pond would be a better swimming hole . We didn 't mind that when we waded in , it had 2 feet of water and 2 feet of soft mud . Some areas had only a foot of water and 3 feet of mud . The bottom had sharp rocks and some random bottles thrown in by the former mill workers . At least most were deep enough that we seldom found them . As we found the bottles , we removed them from the pond . Then one of us got the bright idea to build a raft . We crafted our raft from green alder wood , which was easy to cut down with an ax and shape . We built it on the steep bank that dropped off into the pond . It 's a good thing the bank was so steep . That raft was heavy . We finally managed to get it into the pond and it floated nicely . Well , it floated nicely until someone got on it . The two youngest boys ended up using the raft the most . With both of them on it , it floated , but was about 2 inches under the surface . Due to the high amount of mud under the water which kept the pond a rich mud color , it appeared that the two boys were standing in shallow water holding a long pole , each . The first time they tried poling the raft , the poles stuck and stayed in the mud . The boys could hang onto the poles and let the raft float on away from them , or they could let go and leave the poles upright , stuck firmly in the soft gooey mud . They finally figured out just how to pole gently to travel around the small pond . Before we upgraded the mill pond to swimming hole , we used to rescue stranded salmon fry in drying puddles along the creek and dump them into the pond . They grew quite well and soon the pond was stocked with landlocked salmon and good fishing . The fish would freak us out when they bumped into our legs in the water . We managed to scare each other with tales of monsters lurking under the mud . Since we were not supposed to be in that pond , no one would go up and let her know I was hurt . I ended up having to trudge up the dusty road and tell her myself . The flap of flesh was totally caked in dust and mud by the time I got to the house . I was trying not to step down on the wound , but there is not many ways to walk without touching the bottom of your foot to the ground . Mom tried cleaning the dirt out of the wound and finally decided it was too dirty to replace the flesh flap into the hole . She sat me down on one of the steps outside so we didn 't mess up anything in the house . Then I had to hold my own foot still while she cut the large flap of flesh loose from my foot . She used her sewing scissors as that was the sharpest instrument she could find . My foot would start jerking as she started snipping away the flap of flesh . It took quite a while as live human flesh isn 't easy to cut through . I was having a very hard time holding my foot still . If I let it jerk , I got reprimanded or smacked . She finally tidied it up fairly well and poured merthiolate into the hole . That stuff burns and certainly took my mind off what we had just did . Mom made a bandage of sorts to cover the entire bottom of my foot as most of it was involved in the damage . I wore a couple of pairs of socks over it to try to keep more dirt out of it . It took several months to heal and at various times it would get infected and it was back to the merthiolate . I had to clean it daily with peroxide and rubbing alcohol which was one way to make sure I never went back into that pond . Share this : TwitterEmailLinkedInFacebookGoogleTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . accident . Alternative medicine Family Discipline Long time ago Oregon reminiscing roughing it running amuck 0 Finding Trouble April 17 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer The first we heard , was when someone stopped by and asked if we had seen the small plane owned by a rancher farther up the valley . Mom and I joined the search and drove downriver , then up a side stream toward the higher hills in the flight path the plane would have been on , on its way home . The man flying the plane was a very careful pilot and it seemed impossible that he could have possibly made some kind of mistake . He would never fly if he had been drinking and was very careful , even when he didn 't have family with him . This trip , he had his wife , all his daughters plus a neighbor 's daughter . His son did not make the trip as he was recovering from a cold or the flu . Mom and I drove slowly along the highway , searching the hills on both sides of the road for any sign of tree damage or fire . We finally spotted something that didn 't look right in the sparse juniper trees on the right side of the highway as we headed west . We parked off the edge of the road and started hiking up the hill . There was the plane , looking like it had dropped straight down out of the sky . There were charred areas directly above the plane in the tree limbs , but the fire had not spread , nor had the plane sheared off trees or limbs on either side . Mom began taking pictures and we moved around the plane on all sides , documenting the damage to the plane and the ground around it . There was no movement in the plane . Mom stepped to the open door , gave a gasp and started clicking pictures faster than ever , not touching a thing . Then she came over where she had told me to stay and said , they are all dead . The inside of the plane was charred from fire , the girls were all in their seats , bent over facing the front , with their coat pulled up over their heads as though they were trying to filter out the smoke . From the waist up , they were not burned but from the waist down , they were just charred and unrecognizable as part of a human . We could not see the parents and did not want to step into tLater , when a report was given on the cause of the accident , they blamed the pilot , saying he must have been drinking . They also said he flew the plane into the side of the hill . Unless he managed to drop the plane straight down , I don 't see how he managed that . There were junipers all around the plane and none were broken , only the ones directly above the plane . I never planned on living alone . I was never a very social person , but I also never planned on having a life alone . Well , I also never really had a plan . If ever a life has been lived in the moment , mine is it . I didn 't plan on being a cowboy as a teenager in Oregon . That just happened . I did learn a lot , but it was not on my list of things I wanted to do . For a very brief period of time , I considered going to college and becoming a teacher . Then all the Laws started changing to the point that a teacher could not spank or do much to correct one of the little monsters , so I figured why should I spend 4 more years going to school which I always hated , anyway ? By that time I had my choice of scholarships and refused them all . I was done with school . Don 't get me wrong , I think school is important and I would hate to go to a doctor that had not bothered to attend one . Then by some bit of insanity I found myself married and not to a rancher . I had some passing thoughts about marrying a rancher and eventually maybe having some children , but it wasn 't a firm decision . Yet here I was , married to the least likely to ever be a rancher or even steadily employed . Talk about someone that had no idea what to look for in a husband , that would be me . Given enough time , we finally divorced and I would have been alone , except I needed to babysit to pay my rent and work to pay for the divorce . Once that was all taken care of , I was invited to mine for a summer and by the next year , I was married yet again . For once , I got it right . I loved being married to Charlie and we enjoyed our life together . Then he died and I was back to being alone . This alone was painful and debilitating . I didn 't function well and was not in a good frame of mind , at all . I had read the Bible as a child , in school as there was one in the library and every year I read all the books . It took me ages to get through all the begats . There were a few stories , fictionalizing some Bible stories and I enjoyed them very much . We did not have any religious instruction at home and had never been near a church . I met someone and thought it was going to be good times again , but I was not thinking correctly on that one , at all . It dragged on too long , but I have always been stubborn and hate to admit when I make mistakes . This one was another doozy . I bought some property , my Mom sold her house and sent up the money , so I , with some help , built her a house . She couldn 't be alone and I didn 't want to continue the failed relationship , so we moved into her new house . My daughter 's house sold and she also came out and we built her a nice house also . It has been a learning experience all the way around and I guess most of life really is . Mom and I were both baptized the same day by my sister 's husband , in our Church . It was great . Then we went up to Chena Hot Springs and had a lovely swim . What a wonderful day . Things were going well , Mom was feeling better than she had in a long time , when suddenly she became ill and we rushed her to the hospital . She died after a 5 day stay and I came home to an empty house . Yes , these last few years since Mom died have been by myself but I am alone , not lonely . There is a major difference . Share this : TwitterEmailLinkedInFacebookGoogleTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . Alaska Family Long time ago love Musings Oregon 4 Big Ben March 4 , 2015 ~ R . E . Stowell . writer Big Ben was just what his name implied . He was a very big man . My Dad was 6 ' 3 " and at that time usually around 190 pounds of muscle . Big Ben towered over him . When we still lived in Mapleton during the war years , Big Ben lived with us as fuel was rationed and he had to be closer to his work which was tree falling as the spruce on the Oregon coast was needed to build airplane frames out of . After the war , we moved up Ten Mile Creek , north of Florence and had an 1800 's type of growing up . No electricity , running water , phone , radio or mail delivery , just like I live now . Big Ben lived out closer to the ocean about nine miles from where we now lived and would come visit quite often . He and Dad liked to walk up the dirt road , looking for game to shoot and bring back for dinner . One time , as the crossed the bridge over the north fork of Ten Mile Creek , Big Ben spotted a nice sized buck deer drinking , just under the edge of the bridge . He decided against wasting a bullet by just jumping off the bridge onto the buck 's back and cutting its throat . Almost everything went as planned . He climbed to the top of the railing without the buck even hearing him . He pulled out his large skinning knife and jumped . That 's where the plan fizzled . The first thing the deer knew , some huge heavy thing landed on its back and grabbed it around the throat . The deer didn 't just meekly stand there . From that point on , it was a fight . Big Ben soon was trying to get away from the deer . By the time the deer allowed Big Ben to get away , Big Ben was completely stripped of his heavy clothing . The neck and collar of his work shirt was still around his neck , his socks were on his feet , the cuffs of his pants were around his ankles but all the clothing and a good portion of his skin was shredded and hanging in tatters between his collar and cuffs . The deer not only used his antlers to good effect , his hooves slashed and cut their way all over him . He said that was the first time he knew deer were so flexible and double jointed . They walked the mile back down the road to our home . Big Ben stayed just out of sight of the house as he didn 't have anything to cover himself with . Dad walked on up to the house and got some clothes for Big Ben to wear . They cleaned up most of the hoof and antler slashes and none required medical attention and they were used to patching themselves up in the woods anyway . He decided not to stay and went home . He also decided to never save a bullet and use a knife to hunt with . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
203 . This is an actual excuse from a waitress . I have a bear in my freezer at home . If I don 't get it to the taxidermist soon It will freezer - burn . 205 . I 'm really sorry I don 't think I can come in to work today . My dad parks on the street and there 's a ditch in front of his house and when he went to jump it he missed , fell and thinks he has some broken ribs and I have to bring him to the hospital . 206 . A lady I work with always calls in with various excuses . Last spring she called in for two days saying her landlord had beaten her up . She moved over the summer . A few weeks ago she called in for the same reason . 207 . My co - workers and I like to laugh about the excuses this one woman always uses . One night , she had to go home early because she got an " emergency " phone call from her husband . He needed her to come home because their dog couldn 't poop . 211 . I 'll be late today because I was out for my morning bike ride , and I was hit by a car . I 'm in the emergency room right now . ( But I did talk the Receptionist through how to do my morning tasks ) I showed up in a cast , and crutches BEFORE NOON ! ) 212 . An annoying little bimbo co - worker of mine has called in sick twice to say she could not come in because she had to counsel a friend who was going to commit suicide . ( It was a different friend each time , gee could this have something to do with her personality ? ) 213 . I lost my voice and can not teach today . ( if you are a teacher , or need to talk for any reason at your job ) Actually you can not call in sick , because you have no voice and need to take voice rest . 214 . I have horrible gas and I don 't want my work environment to be a fire hazard due to all of the methane gas that will be coming out of me . It would not be a productive work day for anyone . 215 . I used to drive a truck for an agricultural firm . During harvest the hours were long . A driver got off early ( he definitely didn 't like the hours ) by claiming he was so tired that he s * * t his pants . We called him " pooper " after that . 216 . On early call out for a military exercise , one of my colleagues used this excuse : I had to round up a group of Giraffes on the motorway ( freeway ) - apparently they had escaped from a local circus . . . . . . . Yeah right ! 217 . One Friday afternoon a young , newly married Airman came up to me and asked for the afternoon off . He was famous for his excuses so I was compelled to at least hear him out . I asked him why he wanted off for the afternoon and he said , " this afternoon my wife is getting pregnant and I want to be there . " Needless to say I let him go . 218 . When I was pregnant , and only 3 weeks from my due date , I worked in a Dr 's office . Friday our schedule was already booked solid for Monday , so as we were leaving , I joking told them that I would be calling in Monday to tell them I was in labor . Because of the schedule , my co - workers laughed and told me I had better be there or they would come get me . Well , Monday morning ( early ) I went into labor and had the baby 40 minutes before I should have been at work . I called my boss and told him I had the baby and wouldn 't be in . The only problem was 2 other people had called in sick . I had the best excuse though . 219 . From a 9 year old grand daughter . Grandma the reason mom has to work is you and grandpa won 't give her money all the time . 2 . I opened the door to leave the house and the damn dog got out ! The gate in the yard was open and the damn dog ran through the neighborhood with me running after him . I finally caught him 2 blocks away from the house doing the poodle . I was all ready to leave for work , when all of a sudden a bunch of fire trucks and ambulances pulled onto my street . I was parked out front . I lived in an apartment across from lake Michigan . my car was blocked , I couldn 't get out . I called my boss and told him I would be late because my car was blocked by emergency vehicles . I then went down to find out what was happening . As I got down to the ground floor , I found a fireman standing by his truck watching the others searching down by the water . I asked him what happened . He said someone called in saying there was a body floating in the water . This was after the beaches were closed for the season . Everyone assumed this body was dead . After waiting for about half an hour , the firemen casually packed up and started leaving . I asked the fireman , who gave me the original information , what happened . he said , the body got up and walked away . It was a swimmer , but the lake was so turbulent , someone saw this person and thought it was a dead body . Needless to say , when I arrived at the office , I was asked what happened . I had to tell the story , without cracking up . I figured if I laughed , they wouldn 't believe me . 225 . I 'm sorry I can 't come in today . I went swimming yesterday and my dentures fell out in the bottom of the pool , so I have to go to the dentist for new ones . ( True story ) 226 . I am going to be late for work this morning because I took the time to read all 225 work excuses at this website . Doesn 't matter . . . I 'm the only employee and the boss is at work in another city . There 's no phone there , either . We use our cell phones . Of course , if she reads this she may fire me , but that 's okay . . . I 'm retired anyway . 227 . This really happened to me . I had to call into work and say that I was running late because the gate to my apartments wouldn 't open and it was the only exit gate . Of course , my boss did not believe me . 229 . I took my new engagement ring off , put it on the counter , and believe that it fell into the garbage . So I need today off to search for the ring . 230 . I packed my winter clothes in a garbage bag to be stored in the basement , and my husband through them out . I need to go look for them . 233 . That noise that I had described to you ? Well it turns out that I have a family of raccoons living in my wall . I have to wait for the exterminator so I won 't be in to work . 6 . I wanted to sleep as much as possible . 7 . I hit every red light . 8 . I had to find some stuff . 9 . I hit a branch and it wedge in my mirror . 244 . We had an employee come into work at 7 : 00 a . m . , then had to leave the jobsite at 9 : 45 because he shit his pants and would not be back into work that day . He quit the next day out of embarrassment . ( True story ) 245 . Well , I can 't come to work today because last night I was partying and I screwed at least 35 people . So my body is pretty worn out . Maybe I will be there tomorrow , unless I do it again tonight . 247 . True excuse : A woman in our office said a crow was attacking a baby rabbit in her backyard so she would not be coming to work . She had to stay home to protect the bunny from the crow . Honest to God , that is the excuse she used ! 248 . A teenaged guy called in for his girlfriend and told her supervisor that she wouldn 't be in to work that day because her vagina hurt and he had to take her to the doctor . True story . 250 . I had to call in late as I was waiting for a taxi , my car had 2 flat tyres ! The little Italian fella in my block of flats thought I was in his car park ! ! He did not even have a car , so he stuck a stake in the tyres , to teach me a lesson . 252 . I cant come in today as I have an interview for a job I really want and cannot be bothered to lie , which shows you exactly how much I care about your stinking job anyway . ( actually used ) 254 . I cant come in today as I have to go to Mozambique to do some relief work . I should have told you before that I work for the Red Cross relief in my spare time , but it didn 't seem important at the time . 255 . I can 't come in today because I 've just realized I actually save money if I stay at home . Apart from the bus fare , the prices in your canteen are outrageous and I always end up drinking at lunchtime to cope with the depression of working for you . 258 . I am the manager of a convenience store in a little town . We sell gas , grocery items and have a kitchen . One of the shifts is from 4 - 11 pm . On a Friday night ( most busiest ) , an employee didn 't show up or call in . His roommate , who also was an employee was called to find out where the missing employee was . He was supposed to be there at 7pm . The roomie said that he had left at 6pm to come to work . I fired him the next day . The next week I get a phone call at work from I 'll call him Bill . He asked me if he was fired . I started laughing , and confirmed it . He had told me that he had been in jail all week in a state that was was 3 or 4 states away . He had the ticket to prove it , he just had gotten back and called . I told him to bring me in the ticket and we 'd discuss it . Ten minutes later I came running out of my office screaming , I had realized on the day he had pulled a no call / no show that I had given him his paycheck only 7 hours earlier ! ! ! ! The other state was at least 6 hours away . So he either didn 't plan on coming to work or he thought that he would get back in time . I then found out 3 days later that he had in fact been in jail for two hours the following day . He must of forgot like I did that I had given him his check , and I guess he had also forgot that he had to sign for his check . I haven 't heard from him in a week . 259 . My favorite excuse came from one of our laborers who live in his van on our construction site . When he didn 't show up we spent the entire day knocking on his van door , calling his cell phone , worried he might be laying in there dead . He showed up the next morning , and told me " the whores kept him up all night and his knees hurt " . Took me 3 weeks to find out our local police had a " sting " operating ; he was watching from a concrete deck . 260 . I can 't make it to work for the next couple of days , my leg 's in Kentucky . ( He has an artificial leg ) 261 . After many years as a career consultant , I thought I had heard every excuse possible from employment applicants who missed their job interviews . Until one day I heard the " mother " of excuses for a missed appointment . I called an applicant and said , " Well , I just heard from the employer that you didn 't make your job interview today . What happened ? " Here 's the reply : " My mother fell down the elevator shaft . " 262 . I worked as a corporate trainer for a large company for four years training their new co - workers . This excuse was left on my voice mail from a co - worker in his FIRST week of work about three hours after the class had started : I was out late last night and after the bars closed I came home and started to do the homework you gave me ( just filling out some order forms for practice ) . So in order to stay up , I took some PILLS . Anyway I just woke up and I 'm sorry I 'm not going to be in today . 263 . This is an actual excuse given on April 13 , 2000 to go home early . After 1 . 5 hours at work an employee was pissed off and said he was going home because there was pidgins on his balcony and he had to tell his landlord right now . Not only did the lead hand let him go , but the boss picked him up 2 blocks away , talked to him and gave him a ride home . Now there 's intelligence . 267 . This was an excuse actually used on board my ship when I was in the Navy . " Sorry Chief , I was laying in my rack sound asleep and I was dreaming I was at home , well , I forgot I was in the Navy . " 268 . Can be used on January 8th any year . . . Call in to work and say you don 't work on the King 's birthday . ( The King being Elvis ) ! ! 269 . Uh . . . . Boss ? Your not going to believe this , but the faucet on the side of the well house broke and water ran down and puddled around the tires . As you know , it was below freezing last night , and now my tires are frozen to the ground . And to make matters worse , my uncle punched a hole in the front driver side tire with the ice pick he was using to help me get the truck loose . I 'll be in as soon as I get the truck loose and replace the tire . 274 . A coworker of mine called in because her 27 year old married daughter , who is a registered nurse , was sick & she had to take care of her . This same person also called in one time because her dog had a sore leg & she had to take it to the vet . 275 . I actually used this . There was a severe thunderstorm one night , and hundreds of trees were knocked down . I headed to work the next morning , but kept having to turn around , no matter what road I took . " Hi , this is so and so , I can 't come in to work today because all the roads are blocked by trees . I guess if I got a front loader and a chainsaw , I could move them out of the way . But by the time I did that , the shift would be over . So I won 't be coming in . 276 . Sorry I was late but there was a power cut and we couldn 't get the car out because we have an electric garage door ! It works and it 's true ! 278 . I once worked with someone who called in VERY frequently . Here are two of his " gems " . I can 't come in today because : * I have a belly - button infection ( and subsequent supposed same - day surgery ) . * The dog jumped on me and got me all dirty , so I had to take a shower . While shampooing , I ran out of water and had to rinse my hair with flavored club soda , and now I 'm all sticky and my hair looks too bad to come to work . 279 . I will not be in today because my power is cut off , I have no gas in my car and my telephone is cut off and my wife bounced $ 700 worth of bad checks . 281 . True story . A Registered Nurse working as our Staff Development Trainer went home early two different days , called in sick four days and was late to work three days because she had the " hiccups " . Actually happened and she got paid for it because she was salaried . 282 . I know I was supposed to be at work at 5pm , but I got out of school at 4 and by the time I showered , ate and went to visit my friend who is in the hospital it was 7pm . This was the excuse given by a boy who 's mother works in our company home office in Arkansas . 283 . I 'm sorry I won 't be in today . I have to rescue my friends and save the world ( again ) . 284 . I can 't come to work today . My car 's airbag deployed while I was driving . I think it was because I was going about 85 and abruptly hit a speed bump . there fore , I am semi paralyzed but the doctor said I should be better in a week or two . 285 . Ok , this is really bad but I swear this is true . I was working when the girl who was already late for work called in saying she was going to be late . She had overslept , not feeling too well and asked if I could handle things on my own for a couple hours . About two hours later , she called in again and said she 's not going to be able to make it till later this afternoon . Her excuse was that she had been at a party the night before and had too much to drink , so her boyfriend drove her home and now she doesn 't know what he did with the car keys . 286 . I won 't be in to work today because my brother Ryan , my cousin Cam , and my best friend Lisa were all arrested yesterday and I have to go see a lawyer and take them some items to the jail . 287 . This one is true : I was asleep many years ago when my phone rang at 6 in the morning . I answered it and someone that sounded familiar to me . But half asleep I could not recognize the voice . They said to me , " I will not be in to work today . On my way in I got into a car accident and am in the emergency room hurt pretty badly " . I was very confused as I did not have any employees , and I was a teenager at the time . So after I told them this , I hung up and thought about it for awhile and realized the voice was one of my family members . She sounded very ill so I went and woke my mom . We called and got her mom out of bed who also was worried . We found her in her bed asleep . After checking all the local emergency rooms we later found out she was drunk and had accident and dialed my number . 288 . One of my co - workers calls in with this excuse pretty often and gets away with it . She tells whoever happens to answer the phone to tell our boss that she wont be in today , because she is having a " dark day " and tell the boss not to bother calling because she is taking the phone off of the hook , closing the blinds and locking the door . She 's gonna be in trouble if we ever change managers . 289 . I really don 't ever call off of work . But the old , I was coughing so hard my chest muscles hurt , so I took Nyquil at 4 am and slept till 2 in the afternoon is a good one . That really happened to me . And once , I didn 't show up or call off , and when my boss called , I told her that I think I had shot my boys father , because I couldn 't find the bullet hole in my walls or furniture , so I must have got him . ( True Story ) 291 . As summer approached several workers in the office took days off to attend graduations for their family members . . . one guy ( who had no kids or grandkids ) also took a day off for a graduation . When asked who was graduating he answered , with a straight face , My dog is graduating from obedience school , and I have to be there ! 292 . TRUE excuse used by me in the past year . 1 ) My ride had a flat tire coming to pick me up from work and on the way home we got another flat . So we had to call for a ride because we had 2 flat tires . All the tire places were closed by the time we got a ride and so we have to replace the tire , get a ride to the car , and change the other flat tire and then get it fixed . 2 ) 6 months later . . . remember when we had 2 flat tires , well , we never got a new spare and now I have another flat tire and need to get it fixed . I ended up buying 6 new tires within 8 months due to punctures from gravel . . . 293 . True story : Sorry I am late . My alarm went off and I hit the snooze and when I woke up ( a couple hours later ) I was cradling my alarm in my arms . This really happened twice ! I ended up buying a different clock and putting it across the room . Fortunately I am the type of worker who always shows up early and works late so no one did anything other than tease me . . . 296 . I was working shift work and we would do a set of days , a set off and then a set of nights ; well on the first day of a day set one of the employees did not show up so we called him and he said he forgot we were working days . Another time when he was late for a night shift we called him and he told us he over slept . Well the boss thought that was impossible and was making fun of this guy till the next night the boss overslept for the night shift . 297 . I have a cold and don 't think it best to spread my germs around . ( with a fake cough and a sneeze and a sound of gagging , as in throwing up ) 298 . One year , a few days before Christmas , a girl I worked with called in to say that she couldn 't come in to work because her grandpa got run over by a Greyhound bus . Playing on the radio at the time was " Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer . " 299 . I am behind in child support payments and X wife can not afford baby sitter today . So I must stay home and take care of my kid , and it worked better than I thought it would . 300 . This one guy I worked with , who had over 30 years on the job , used to drink a bit and he used to call in with some novel excuse . One time he used this one : . . " I can 't come in to work today because the Martians landed in my back yard and I got radiation poisoning . . " This guy even called in sick AFTER he retired . Another guy I worked with called in one time with Zambeesey ( Zam - bee - see ) crotch rot . 303 . Not one , but two of my employees called in and said that they had been out near the river fishing , and that they had been sprayed by a skunk , and that they would not be in . But the only problem was that another employee saw them both exiting a bar less than two hours later . 305 . My cousin had worked in a nursing home for many years in the same one I worked in and one night he decided to skip . We do have bad weather in Maine but he called up to say that he could get to work because there was a tree a crossed the road . There sure was . Still standing a crossed the road but not in the road . 306 . I can 't come in today . When I got home from work yesterday , I received bad news of the death of a family member . To get over the shock I went to this bar downtown , and had a little to much to drink . I took a taxi at the end of the evening , feeling quiet intoxicated , with an upset stomach . I told the taxi driver that I had gas pains and he brought me to the greyhound station and put me on the bus to Gasbai . I am a little low on cash so I 'm not sure when I will be in . 308 . I once used this excuse not to go to work one day because it had snowed : I can 't come in today because I left my boots at work . My boss had a great laugh that day ! ! 309 . My kitten was underfoot all the time . When getting ready to leave the house for work I stepped on something . Thinking it was my kitten I tried to immediately back up . Unknowingly my kitty had been playing in a bag of potatoes & I happened to be there to step on one . When I tried to get my foot off ( my kitty ) I slipped & fell down twisting my ankly & called work from the hospital . " I can 't work today because I slipped on a potato & sprained my ankle . " Stupid story , but true . Was on crutches for 2 weeks . 311 . " Sorry Sir I can 't come in to work today . I have a roach in my ear and I have to go to the hospital to have it removed . " While waiting at the hospital a woman came in with a roach in her ear . After removing the bug she asked the Doctor for an excuse for her boss at work . After a few questions we found out she had put the roach in her ear and used a Q - Tip to push it in to get out of work . This is a true story ! 312 . The reason I didn 't come to work is that I spilled coffee on my dress , so I went to the closet and no other ties matched . So I went to the mall and couldn 't find a parking spot . So , I ran home because my car broke down , and all my clothes were at the dry cleaner . I ran back to the mall ( I was very pooped out ) , and I found an outfit and bought it . I brought it home and it didn 't fit . Realizing that it wouldn 't be smart to go to work naked , I stayed home . 313 . My Ex used to tell me this all the time . " Call Work and tell them I can 't come in cause I slammed my balls in the dresser drawer . " 314 . I don 't know if I 'll be able to make it in today . The hamster is loose in the house somewhere and if I don 't find it and put it back in it 's cage before I leave , the cat will get it and the kids will be broken - hearted . 315 . I wont be in work today because yesterday I threw out my knee and took my friend 's medication for the pain . I had an allergic reaction to it and my entire body is broken out in hives , itches all over and my ears have swollen shut . So if you need me , I can be reached on my cellular because the volume is much louder . 316 . My son really used this for being late . His shoe string broke . My sister worked with him and it was a big laugh . So all the employees after that used that excuse anytime they were late . 317 . This was a fellow nurses ' excuse for being 1 1 / 2 hr late for work . " The guinea pig that we 've got that had cerebral palsy , died this morning and we had to bury it and have a funeral for the kids . " We all still laugh about that six years later . 318 . We live very close to Canada . One Saturday we went to Montreal for dinner . On the way back across the border I realized I had left my driver 's license at home . The border patrol would not let me back into New York , so my fiancé had to leave me at a hotel while he drove the 3 hours back to our house and another 3 hours back to pick me up at the hotel . ( True Story ! ! ) I was supposed to be at work on Sunday , called the boss and he believed me . 321 . I can 't come to work today , I was brushing my dentures and dropped them on the floor and they broke in half . ( actually happened to me ) 322 . This one really happened to me , and it work 's . I took my car to an automatic car wash . During the night the door lock 's froze , so Ill be unable to make it to work today . 323 . I can 't come in to work today . I went skydiving over the weekend and my chute didn 't open . 324 . Once on my way to a crappy convenience store job , my car caught on fire ! ( TRUE ! ) When I called in to tell them I could not make it in , they offered to come and pick me up and bring me into work , and I could get my car later ! I ended up quitting that job ! 325 . I was late for work one day because I had let our dog out in the morning while preparing for work , and when I went to let her in , she had shredded the garbage all over our lawn , and in our neighborhood , you cannot leave that or you are fined . Imagine the laughter I faced from my coworkers when I made it to work that day ! 326 . I had to call in sick one day because my husband accidentally slammed our cat in the door on his way to work , and she had taken off so I had to find her to bring her to the vet ! ( She was fine ! ) 327 . This is a true story ! While attending college , I was also working 2 jobs , one late at night and one on the days I did not have school . Needless to say I was VERY tired , and one morning when I was supposed to work , I overslept . For some reason , though , I knew that I should have been at work because when the boss called , I could not figure out why , you see , I had dreamed that I had called her and told her I was sick ! She laughed , and I got a stern lecture , but I was not fired . TRUE STORY ! ! 328 . A pregnant woman : " I can 't come to work the rest of the day . I have morning sickness . Maybe it will last the rest of the week ! ! " 330 . I didn 't want to go to work for my afternoon shift and it had been raining . My car had been in the shop for a few days and I had been using my friends brand new car . I called and said that I had been on the way to take that friend to his job but on the way I got in an accident and ran into a ditch . Not only that , my friend was also carrying a vial of LSD and it spilled on us when we were in the accident I was now feeling funny and my friend was tripping so neither one of us could go to work . My manager believed this cuz I was supposed to give him some when I got to work ! ! 331 . I can 't come to work today , the house across the street from me was on fire and now I can 't take a shower cause the water is all dirty . This one is actually true , my neighbor and I both work at the same job , we both called off that day ! It helps if the fire is on the news though . . . lol 332 . I 'm sorry I came to work late . I would have been on time , but I picked up a hitch - hiker on the way and he didn 't want to be dropped off in the middle of the city ( Richmond , VA ) , so I had to drive way out of my way to leave him at a truck stop . [ The supervisor cracked up and asked me if I was SURE I wanted that excuse to go on the record - - but it was true ! ! ] 333 . I had to apologize for coming back from my lunch break an hour late because I wasn 't used to that part of the city and I got totally lost trying to come back from the Taco Bell when I had to detour around some St . Patrick 's Day parade . When asked why I didn 't consult a map , I had to admit that mine had holes on all the creases , which blotted out the street where my job was located . Well , jeez , things like this wouldn 't happen if they didn 't make me work holidays . . . . . . . 339 . To the equestrian lover in all of us , this unfortunately , REALLY happened to me : " Hello ' boss ' , I have to take a sick day today , a horse stepped on my foot last night ; its numb , is as big as a balloon , I can 't get ANY shoes on , and I have to go get an x - ray to see if its broken ! " ( I 've never lived this one down ) 342 . I was a Lieutenant in the navy and I had a Chief Petty Officer that was an exceptional leader , but like the bottle . He used to call in and tell me that he had had a tooth removed and would not be in the following day . four years later he sobered up . As his six months of came he evidently began to feel some guilt for all of the dental visits . He came to my office and apologized , and explained that he was an alcoholic . I responded with : I was glad to hear that he was an alcoholic , because I had never heard of anyone with 71 teeth . ( TRUE STORY ) 343 . I work at a grocery store , one of my employees called in on Super Bowl Sunday and said , " I accidentally drank a six pack , and don 't want to drive to work " Of course , I let her take the day off . I would have felt guilty to be part of yet ANOTHER accident . 345 . This excuse was really used by a co - worker . He called in he said he was calling to see if we were busy . While I was on the phone with him he said " Whoa did you hear that ? " I said what . He said , " Lightning just came through the phone and knocked me across the living room into a pile of beer bottles ! I guess I won 't be in today . " This was on a sunny day and he had no burn marks on his ear and the phone kept working . 346 . When I used to do shift work I was constantly late . So my boss was fed up and said if you are ever late again just don 't bother turning up for work . ( that was an idol threat ) The next day was a Friday and I was at a party the night before and I ended up sleeping in . So I didn 't ring or didn 't even bother turning up for work . My next roster day was a Sunday and I didn 't show up then either . Sunday afternoon I got a phone call from my boss asking me where I was and I told him that I thought I was fired . To the amusement of my workmates I started back on Monday morning with no problems and a nice long weekend behind me . : - ) 348 . A fellow worker got married and took a week off for his honeymoon and was due in on a Sunday night , He didn 't show up until Tuesday saying he was at the airport getting ready to leave Saturday night and his plane got a flat . Also a few months ago after talking all week about trying to find a way to bring a TV into work to watch the super bowl . No Call No Show on the night of the super bowl that it had snowed so bad he couldn 't make it to work . Even though he had a 4X4 and I made it to work twice as far away with a 84 Trans Am . 356 . I was working for a casino on the graveyard shift in the coin room and Albert didn 't show up for work and wouldn 't answer the phone . The next day the boss asked him why he didn 't come in or call into work ? Albert 's reply . . . . " My eyes wouldn 't open . " True story . The boss had never heard that excuse and laughed so hard that he didn 't reprimand him . 357 . I was on the way to work , feeling a little run - down , when all off a sudden , I sneezed with my eye 's open trying to watch the car in front . Instead , I could see the apple crumble & custard on my shirt I had last night , after tea . Got rushed to Hospital , where they placed my eyes back into their sockets , then sent me home in a Taxi wearing patches . I will be off for 4 weeks at least , my mum will send in the sick note when I 'm able to see her . 358 . We have a guy that any vacation time just burns a hole in his pocket . We have a list of 130 reason he has used . Some of them are : 359 . We have a guy that every year uses up 4 weeks vacation before May . Earlier this year he used a week up because his foot had a rash and he couldn 't wear socks . 360 . We had just gone through the hiring process and had hired this new employee . She called in on her second day and said that she wouldn 't be able to work here due to the seating arrangements . ( We work in cubicles ) . Thinking that there was more to the story than this , we asked our boss later that afternoon after she had actually spoken with this person . She really couldn 't handle the cubicle , even when she was offered a different one . Trouble is , she was given a tour of the office prior to accepting the job ! ( TRUE STORY ! ! ) 361 . This really happened to me . On the way to work , a drive of 40 miles , the front driver side wheel came off my truck . Even though I was doing 70 m . p . h . I was able to maintain control . I managed to get side of the road . A small flat spot was rubbed into the rotor . I could not find my wheel and my spare was flat . I hitched a ride to the nearest town , couldn 't find # to call in to work . no garages were open and I was worried about my tools and CD 's left in the truck . Walking the several miles back on the opposite side of the four lane interstate I found my wheel . Two of the lugs were still in the hubcap . I jacked up the truck , used a file to smooth the rough edges off the rotor , stole one lug from each of the other wheels , and went on into work three hours late . I don 't think my boss believed me . 362 . ' Sorry I can 't come in for work today , I can 't find my glasses and therefore I can 't see . I need them in order to find them ! ' 364 . True story : " I can 't get my car out of the parking area because I think one of my neighbors put glue in the lock on our gate and it won 't open . " I used to live in a 4 - plex building where only half the tenants were allowed to park in a gated , locked area . I was among the lucky ones . One morning I came out to go to work and found the padlock on the gate had been sabotaged by being filled with some sort of glue , which I believe was done by a neighbor , jealous because he couldn 't park in there too . It took over an hour to get the gate open , even an electric hacksaw wouldn 't cut through the lock and we ended up having to cut part of the metal supporting the holes the lock went through to open the gate . That lock is probably still hanging there today ! My boss bought the story and even empathized . 365 . True story but I 'm sorry I asked : one of my co - workers told me she was late because " My car is in the shop and my boyfriend was taking me to work this morning . He was sick and we stopped at a McDonalds . I had to wait there for an hour while he was sick in the bathroom ! " 369 . The first time this was used by myself it was genuine . The latter times , I used it because I thought it was a cool excuse : " Sorry , we put the clocks forward instead of back last night , and I woke up two hours late . " 371 . I left work during lunch and decided to take the rest of the day off . I called in at the end of the day to say that I had been arrested , and I 'll be in tomorrow . 372 . I 'm running three hours late because I woke up watching the west coast feed of NBC . . . I thought I woke up extra early ! 373 . I thought it was 6am , but it turned out to be 8am . . . one of the LED lights was out ! 377 . I was absent yesterday because I was passing a kidney stone , and I didn 't give a squat about calling in to work . ( great pain , pee was purple { yellow and red make purple } , took some muscle relaxants . . . ) 378 . I ate a bag of those fake - fat potato chips , and now something is oozing from my butt . 379 . I hurt myself having sex this morning . . . I won 't be in until the pain goes away . 381 . Hello , I am writing this one because I called in sick today . Sorry , I can 't come to work today because I think I am pregnant and I have to wait until my boyfriend gets off work so we will have money to go get a pregnancy test . And one that my mom used when she got married for the third time . . . Sorry , I am going to have to quit working for a while , I am going to Mexico to marry my boyfriend and we aren 't going to be back until after we finish building our house . . . Loves ya , Rainey70 382 . We had a contractor working for us once who lived quite a distance away ( for the UK ! ) and was usually late in because of traffic problems . However , one day he phoned in at about 11 : 00 AM to tell us that he would not be in at all because his only pair of trousers were in the washing machine and it would not open ! 384 . I am going to call in work today for the next 2 days . Excuse : My uncle came down from Baltimore yesterday , and my mom and sister got into a huge argument , my sister decided she 's going back to live with my Uncle , and they are leaving today . I have to follow behind them in my car with the rest of her things . Since it 's such a long drive , I am just going to stay the night to avoid the risk of an accident . 385 . When I was eighteen ( I 'm 43 now and don 't drink anymore ) , I had to work the graveyard shift . I was at my favorite night club and half smashed . I called my job , from the club , loud music and all , and told my boss I wouldn 't be in that night because I was sick . Believe it or not , I didn 't get fired . 388 . This is , sadly , a true story : I was a delivery driver in Charlotte , North Carolina . I lived about 17 miles from the store I worked at and I had several cats as pets . Well , I was running real close , if I drove really fast I could 've made it there on time . Well , I got about a half mile from the store when I heard a howl coming from the back of my mustang . I pulled over and looked and I 'll be damned , the stupid cat had fallen asleep in the hatchback of my car ( in the sun ) So I had to drive all the way back home to bring the cat back to the house . I was almost 2 hours late , because I was supposed to be to work for 4 : 30 and now I hit rush hour traffic and it took me an hour to fight traffic to the office . My boss just looked at me and shook his head . 389 . True story : I was working as a delivery driver ( me again , I used a million there ) , and I was at work when my boyfriend called me and proposed to me . I said yes , of course , and he asked me to elope with him the next day . I turned around , looked at my boss and said , " I won 't be coming in to work tomorrow , or the rest of the week , as I will be getting married and going on my honeymoon " I actually had to bring him the marriage certificate after the wedding before he would let me have the weekend off without being fired ! ! ! ! LOL . 391 . I 'm sorry I was late . The dog shit on the stairs . ' why did this make you late ? ' Have you ever had dog shit between your toes at 5 am in the morning ? 392 . I 'm sorry I 'm late . Someone stole my windscreen . 393 . I worked at a treat store , popcorn and other treats , and I had a horrible sore throat . I called off work and my boyfriend asked me to go to the beach . We did and who do I see but the manager of the store . . . . oops . . . . I really was sick ! I just wanted to kick back at the beach . ( true story ) 395 . I called off work , my husband has used this too , because I had to run to the hospital . My husband 's daughter was having a bad diabetic reaction . This really did happen , but I 've used it more than once . . . it works great . . . no questions asked ) 396 . My husband and I were having a rough time financially and we couldn 't afford to pay our car insurance . Our lender that we bought the vehicle from got wind of it and took our van until we got coverage . I had to call off work and didn 't want to face the embarrassment so I said my husband 's daughter is in the hospital and we 've got to run . 397 . My husband and I went to the Twin Cities to pick up a friend of ours that was flying in from Texas . His flight was late and it was very very late by the time it came in . I was supposed to work the next afternoon and we were all exhausted and we were about 3 . 5 hours from home . I called in to say our van 's computer " brain " went out and we have to wait to have it repaired . It worked like a charm , no questions asked . This one is excellent if you 're nowhere near home , just make sure you own a newer vehicle that has computer components ! 398 . My husband had to go to court and it was a rough time . His ex was there and it was a trying ordeal . Instead of busting my ass and running into work I said my husband fell down the stairs and I had to take him to the doctor . He already has a broken hip he 's recovering from so it worked like a charm , no questions asked . 399 . I once lived in a rough neighborhood in Southern Cal . I went to get into my car and the window was smashed out and my front wheels were GONE ! Not just tires but the whole wheels were gone and my cheap stereo was ripped out of the dash . I had to call into work and tell them what happened . ( true story ) The cops came and did a report and said that I should move , also true , I did ! Well friends we have many more work excuses to go . The Work Excuses 3 page has excuse 401 to 600 . Enjoy I hope you enjoy this place and please go to the Submit Excuses page and send some excuses in ! |
I sometimes lose my temper . I try not to . I have learned that the quickest way for Haley to spiral out of control is to lose control myself . Sometimes it is just hard though . Haley seems to be hungry constantly . She eats breakfast when she wakes up and then within an hour or two she is ready for lunch . I sometimes suggest that she has a snack like fruit when that happens , but she is usually pretty insistent that what she wants is lunch . It 's easy enough to get her what she wants because she usually pulls out leftovers . Around noon I was busy with something and missed my lunch . I was hungry . I came downstairs around 1 : 00 and started making my lunch and Haley brought me the oatmeal container . I told her that I would make her some oatmeal after I was done eating . Well , that was obviously not acceptable . Haley started whining and crying and bringing me other options . I don 't know how many times I told her that I would make her oatmeal when I was done eating . She just wasn 't accepting it . I finally got her to stop handing me food and sit down on the couch . She sat there and cried . The tears were slowly falling down her face , I felt bad . I came up behind her and asked her if I hurt her feelings when I got mad at her . She said " Yeah . " I told her that I was sorry and I said " You know Mom loves you , don 't you ? " She said " I know . " She was still sad when I finished her oatmeal and put it on the table . She usually eats two bowls of oatmeal , but she only ate one and then came an sat down beside me on the couch . She is still upset . It takes her a long time to get over things like that . I should have been more careful . Grandma C is jealous of my husband 's Dad , Grandpa C . Haley gets really excited when he is coming to see her . My Mom has witnessed the excitement first hand . Once she was at our house and had been there a couple of days when Grandma and Grandpa arrived . Haley ran to the door and gave Grandpa a hug . You know by now , if you have been reading this blog that Haley 's hugs are not consistent , but Grandma did see that hug . Grandma C knows that Grandpa C has the tractor that Haley likes to ride . She thinks that the tractor makes the difference . I don 't know if that is true . It doesn 't bother me , I know she loves all of her Grandparents very much . What Grandpa doesn 't have though that my Mom and Don do is a train track right outside his window . Haley loves to come to Montana and stay at Grandma and Don 's house because of the trains . We can usually hear the train coming and we all yell , " Haley get to the window , a train is coming ! " Haley yells " WooHoo ! " and giggles . Sometimes several trains go by in one day . Yesterday the same train went back and forth switching cars . There was also a crew loading Herzog Cartopper backhoes onto some cars that were hauling new ties . I think Haley was especially interested in this train because there was a caboose on the end . Haley and her Dad sat in the back of the Yukon in the garage and watched the action for almost two hours . It was really hot yesterday . I think the high was ninety three . It was a little cooler in the shade , but they were dedicated . Haley was in heaven . Haley loves that trains go right by Grandma 's house . It would seem that Grandma and Don have an unfair advantage . So I really don 't think Grandma needs to worry about Grandpa C 's tractor . Haley really liked the fact that the train she had watched all day parked right there and stayed all night long . Whenever she looked out the window it was still sitting there . She actually seemed a little concerned that it wasn 't leaving . She waved at it and said " Bye . " and then she would walk by later and it would still be sitting there and she would say " Bye . " again . I didn 't appreciate it much however . The crew walked away from the train around four o ' clock in the afternoon and left it running . It ran for a couple of hours and then shut down . We had about an hour rest before it started back up again . That went on all night long . I ended up wearing earplugs to block some of the sound , but Haley didn 't . I was amazed that she could sleep through it . This morning about nine forty five the crew came back and the train finally left . Haley and I went out the front door and waved goodbye . Haley said " Bye . Miss You . " I didn 't . We went for a hike around a lake yesterday . It was a beautiful day and the lake was crystal clear . The hike was fairly easy , but it was all around the lake so once we began we had to see it through . Haley is not a bad hiker , but her lack of depth perception makes it hard for her to see obstacles in her path . The dappled shadows are especially hard for her because I would imagine that what she can see suddenly goes away . The trail was too narrow to walk beside her most of the way so I had her in front of me and I was supporting her arm and trying to look around her to see what she might encounter . She would come to a complete stop whenever she encountered shade or what she could tell was a steep downhill slope . She kicked a few big rocks and tripped on a few tree roots , but for the most part she did really well . It was nice that we could see the lake from the trail all the way around because we knew how much further we had to go . Haley 's Dad and Big Sis had led the way and I knew that they would made it all the way around the lake in about half the time that we would . Haley and I trudged along slowly picking our way and stopping every once in a while to admire the view . Grandma C and her friend Don were behind us stopping frequently to take pictures . About halfway around the lake there was a nice bench that we decided to take advantage of . After a little rest we went on . We were walking along talking about the lunch that we had packed when the trail took a turn to the right away from the lake and Haley started heading up it . I looked ahead and saw what she had seen . She saw picnic tables . They were the same picnic tables that we saw when we first arrived at the lake . We had talked about coming back to those picnic tables for our lunch after we had hiked the trail around the lake . I knew that we had a ways to go to get back to the other end of the lake , but my daughter had decided that she was done . I tried to call her Dad on his cell phone , but my cell phone had died . Don said he would complete the trail and meet up with Haley 's Dad and sister . So we sat down at the picnic tables to wait . Some flies decided to join us . Haley was fascinated by the flies . When they would land on her arm instead of jumping and screaming like a lot of other kids would do she just studied them . It got to the point where they would just climb all over her . She was grinning and giggling . It was fun to watch . When we come to Montana Haley 's Dad likes to drive around and take pictures of the beautiful scenery and the occasional train . I could tell that he was getting ready to go yesterday and I suggested that he take Haley . She loves watching trains and she hadn 't been train watching in a while . She was excited to go . They were gone for a while . When they got back Haley was really happy . She kept telling me that she had a " fun time . " I asked her Dad if he got any good pictures while they were out . He said he got one . Haley likes to travel and visit her Grandma , but she also likes to take a little comfort from home with her . She packed a variety of videos both in VHS and DVD form . Grandma has a two story house . She has a TV on the second floor that Haley can watch her VHS tapes on and if she wants to watch a DVD she has to come down to the first floor . It gives us a little break from the sound of her shows while she is upstairs , but it is kind of nice to have her come downstairs with the rest of us too . It seems to work quite well unless she wants to watch a DVD and someone else wants to watch the TV . That happened yesterday when the Mariners game came on . Haley wasn 't in a flexible mood yesterday . She wanted to watch a DVD . Grandma asked if she could watch her DVD on her laptop . I kind of forget that is an option . I took the laptop upstairs to set it up . The easiest place to put it was on the table right next to the TV . I thought that it would be a good place to put it because she had a little nest of pillows on the floor all set up so that she could watch the TV . I got her show running and came back downstairs . A little while later her Dad went upstairs and then came right back down . He asked me if I knew what was going on upstairs . I thought I did , but I went upstairs to see what he was talking about . Haley was excited to go to Grandma 's house . She was ready to go . She was a bit worried that we weren 't be completely truthful with her , however . She had packed everything that she wanted to take . She had tried to make sure that Mom and Dad were packed as well . If something was sitting on the counter she would put it into our suitcase . She even went in to her sisters room and pointed to her pile of clothes on the floor and said " case . " Big Sis didn 't really appreciate the help . After dinner she started talking about loading the Yukon . She finally convinced her Dad to start loading and she went out to help him . I was doing the dishes and he came in and told me that she was sitting in the Yukon . He had told her several times that we were not leaving until the morning , but she wanted to sit in the Yukon . When I had finished with the dishes I went out to check on her . There she was still sitting in her seat . I had to practically drag her out . The next day we were up and out the door early . We had a long drive ahead of us . Grandma lives in Montana . We had to explain to Haley that we would go to a hotel and spend the night and then get up and drive again . She seemed to understand that . The first day went really well . She is getting to be a really good traveller . There was a time when she wasn 't . She kept us entertained . About once an hour she would yawn dramatically and say " tired . " We told her to take a nap and she would put her head on her pillow and " snore " and then say " wake up . " She did that the whole way . I told her that maybe she wasn 't tired , maybe she was just sleepy . Then she added that to her routine ; she would yawn really loudly and then say " tired , sleepy . " The second day of travel went about the same as the first except every time we stopped at a rest area she would say " Grandma 's house ? " I had to keep reassuring her that we were indeed going to be at Grandma 's house by dinner time . We stopped at a springs for lunch , we ate in the Yukon and then decided to go for a little walk around the springs . Haley 's Dad said " Haley , let 's get out of the Yukon and go for a walk . " Haley said " No " and shook her head . I don 't see the head shake very often . He said " Come on , we are just going for a little walk . " I finally told her that we could head back to the Yukon . She practically took off at a run . We sat in the Yukon and waited for Big Sis and Dad to come . She relaxed once we were on the road again and said " Grandma 's house , yeah . " It seems that she thought we were fooling with her and that we really weren 't going to get to Grandma 's house after all . I don 't know why she doubts us . You 'd think we weren 't always truthful with her . We are planning another trip , this time to see my Mom . We didn 't hint about it ahead of time , and Haley didn 't find out until today . It works so much better that way . It didn 't stop her from going in to " full scale packing mode " however . Last night my husband had an atlas and some maps out . When Haley sees maps she gets suspicious , it usually means someone is going somewhere ( usually Dad . ) She seemed interested in the maps so he started telling her about the maps . They talked about the map that the atlas was open to and who might live in that area . Grandma C . This morning while I was in the shower Haley took all of her clothes out of her drawers and piled them on her bed . She came and got me and brought me in to see what she had done and said " case " which means " suitcase " I know that now . The first time she said that to me several months ago I had no idea what she was telling me because it sounds more like " keys . " She packed her horses into a green purse that was in her closet . She packed all of the videos that she wants to take . She packed her laptop and her computer games . Then she started bringing me food . I thought she wanted a snack at first , but I soon realized that she was packing snacks . A few minutes ago I walked in to the kitchen to find those first snack items that she had picked out on the island along with a box of cereal , a bottle of barbecue sauce and a carton of coconut milk ice cream . On Tuesday Haley 's Big Sis had a friend over . This friend is a boy , but not a boyfriend ( you know the drill . ) He has been over before , a couple of times . Haley 's Dad and I found out , after he left , that when he comes over ( every time he comes over ) Haley flirts with him . Apparently she bats her eyes and smiles and " acts " shy , but makes a point to be where he and her Big Sis are . Although cute and funny , this is not good news to me . I have not witnessed it , because I give them some space , but it scares the living daylights out of me . I don 't know if it is just this particular boy , because she doesn 't have the opportunity to be around boys very often . It just makes me even more happy that she has a one on one all day at school . That is all I am going to say about that right now . Haley is still very much into her Daylight Dollars . It has been kind of fun to say " Haley will you come and put away the dishes . . . for a dollar . " She says " Yeah ! " and jumps up and runs into the the kitchen and gets busy . It 's great . She has seven dollars so far . On Wednesday Haley 's Big Sis decided to spend a chunk of her savings on a new gaming system . We came home and set it up and then I had to leave for a meeting . While I was gone Haley apparently wanted to play with her sister so Big Sis gave her a controller that was not plugged in to the game and they sat there together and played . I love it when stuff like that happens . They worked it out together and they were both happy . Maybe this " two teenage girls in the house " thing won 't be so bad after all . Haley is a shopper . She loves to shop . She loves clothes . She doesn 't seem to think that she can get to a point where she has enough clothes . She is always on the search for that elusive special shirt that she just can 't live without . I needed to go to the mall on Sunday . Haley 's Dad was not home and Haley 's Big Sis needed to go with me ( we were returning a video game and it was apparently urgent . ) So I had to take Haley . I tried to explain to her before we left what we would be doing . We were going to a specific store within the mall and that would be the only store we were going in to . We were not going to go to another store . We were not going to buy anything . Later on that day she was looking at her Historic Rail catalog and she saw a t - shirt with the Daylight steam engine on it . It is black and it looks like the white steam and other white parts of the shirt might glow in the dark , much like the 700 shirt she already has . I told her that . " Haley , it 's just like the one you have with the 700 on it . " " Daylight . " She is starting to get the concept of money . She knows that she needs money if she is going to the mall with her class . She knows Mom puts money in her wallet when she needs it . She knows if there are numbers next to something in a JCPenney 's ad it means - money . She pointed to the picture of the t - shirt in the catalog and said " Money . " I told her that it was fifteen dollars . Then I got an idea . What if I had her do some chores to earn the money . I had already asked her to pick up her videos and put them away ( and she hadn 't done it . ) I thought that if she had some incentive she just might . I asked her if she wanted to buy the shirt . She said " Yeah . " I told her that she needed fifteen dollars . I told her that if she picked up her videos and put them in the cabinet I would give her one dollar . I said " Would you pick up your videos for one dollar ? " She said " Yeah . " She bent down and picked up her entire stack of videos and headed for the cabinet . I could see disaster all over that , I watched her take a few steps and put them on the ottoman . I realized I was going to have to be more specific . I showed her how to stack each one on the table by the cabinet and then I showed her how to put each one in the cabinet . I walked away . It must be noted that both her Dad and her Big Sis were witnesses to this whole thing , they were not much help though . Haley 's Dad made a comment about how she was doing and I looked over to see her stacking all of the videos up too high . I had to come back and show her how to make them fit within the cabinet . When she was all done I said " Good Job ! " and I showed her the chart on the fridge that I had quickly made on a white board . I showed her the fifteen squares and then I filled one in . She was excited . Since then she has put away all of her toys and helped me empty the dishwasher . I am going to have to think of more things for her to do . She doesn 't like to wait so she will want to move this along . She is already eyeing a video on the same page that is 30 dollars . She is very excited about earning her dollars though , she started calling them Daylight Dollars . I thought it was appropriate . I have been busy lately , and a little distracted . I am working on a project that keeps me at my desk and on the computer . Haley has been keeping herself entertained , for the most part . She has really been playing with her toys , which I think is kind of a reaction to losing so many . She took a break from playing toys and wanted to watch a movie . She brought me the DVD and then she wanted to be covered up with a blanket . If you know Haley you know that only means she wants Shadow to join her too . I got her all set up and then she wanted popcorn . After I made her popcorn I went back in to my office and sat down . Every now and then Haley would grunt . She chose to watch the " extra stuff " from Monters , Inc . , which means that I have to push a button every five minutes or so . I didn 't have the patience for that so I tried ( yet again ) to get her to use the remote . I showed her which buttons to push and I asked her to push them . When the show actually started playing I made a big deal out of it and told her that she had done it . She actually pushed the button a couple of times , I could hear the different segments starting . I was really proud of her and really surprised . Then I heard the grunt again . I came around the corner to see what was going on . There was a lot going on . Haley 's Big Sis is good at setting the reminder on the cable box to the shows that she wants to watch , but then sometimes she isn 't even home and the TV reminds her anyway . That reminder had come up on the screen and Haley had started pushing buttons . The setup screen was blinking . I finally had to turn everything off to get control of it again . So that kind of backfired on me . Haley was no longer interested in pushing the buttons . I told her that she needed to watch the movie , so that I didn 't have to keep getting up . I got that going and went back in to my office . A little while later she had put in a VHS tape , the silly player that we have plays both VHS and DVD 's . It will play them both at the same time , so if she puts in a tape it starts playing it ( sometimes ) while the DVD keeps running . I heard the Pixar short Tin Toy start up . If you haven 't seen it , it is cute . A baby gets a new toy that makes music , but the baby is not gentle with it 's new toy . We soon learn that the baby isn 't gentle with any of it 's toys . Anyway , in this short the baby sneezes . Right after the baby sneezed Haley said " Bless You . " It made my day . One of the highlights of any trip to Grandma and Grandpa 's house is riding on Grandpa 's tractor . Haley doesn 't ride by herself , but I wanted her to pose on the tractor for me . She usually " sits on Grandpa 's lap " which means she kind of sits in front of him . She is so tall that it is getting difficult for them both to be in that seat . The problem is that she doesn 't listen to instructions and she won 't hold on to the steering wheel . Grandpa is trying to get her to hold on and steer , but she is very hesitant . Grandpa asked her to put her hand on the loader control . I snapped this picture , then he asked her to pull on it and I snapped another one . I didn 't know what was going to happen . What happened is that she lowered the loader with a good sized thump . We both jumped . I didn 't get that shot . One of the highlights of our recent trip to Grandma and Grandpa 's house was the way that Haley got there . My husband took her on Amtrak and her Big Sis and I met them in Tacoma and then we drove the rest of the way . This is his account in his words : For several years I 've had the idea that on a trip to Grandpa 's Haley and I should ride Amtrak up to Tacoma while Haley 's Mom and Big Sis drive up and meet us . Haley 's ridden several excursion trains but has never set foot on the Amtrak trains she sees and loves to watch . I decided last weekend 's trip to Grandpa 's would be a good opportunity to make this trip since we were treating Big Sis to a Mariners game . All Aboard Haley 's Mom spent some time explaining to Haley that she and Dad would be riding the train for part of the trip to Grandpa 's . She really didn 't seem to understand the concept but did go along with it . We arrived at the Vancouver depot about 25 minutes before train time and again explained to Haley that we 'd be riding Amtrak to Grandpa 's and finally I think it started to sink in . When we stepped onto the platform a few minutes before the train arrived she seemed ready to go but very unsure of what was going on . In typical Haley fashion she was a bit apprehensive about actually boarding the train but went right along with it . Once on board we found our seats and started our journey . Haley of course got the window seat so she could see everything easily . I pointed out several of our favorite train watching haunts as we whizzed through Vancouver 's western suburbs . Haley was very quiet and seemed to just be soaking in the whole atmosphere of rolling down the track at 79 mph . North of Woodland we passed one of the railroad 's automated hot box detectors that inspects the train for hot axles / wheels and dragging equipment . These detectors give a status to the train crew over the radio and Haley has always enjoyed the last part of the radio message which is " detector out . " I let her listen on the radio to the message from the detector and that seemed to tickle her . On board Amtrak Cascades cars the ride is smooth and quiet except for the occasional clickety - clack when passing over the frogs of switches . Haley 's favorite noise though was the whistle . Despite being about 5 cars behind the engine the wail of the air horn was easily heard and several times Haley commented on hearing it . " Whistle " she 'd say and point to the front of the train . The cars ride quite low so when meeting or passing other trains about all you see out the window is wheels and the bottom portion of the freight cars . We saw around a dozen trains along the way but it wasn 't until we about to dive into Tacoma 's Nelson Bennett tunnel when we passed a Union Pacific stack train that Haley became excited about seeing a train out her window . " Pacific " , " cars " , " blue " , " train ride . . . . yea " she was really into our ride now . In fact when we passed the head end of the UP train she actually identified the yellow engines as belonging to the Union Pacific . As we passed through Ruston meeting two southbound BNSF freights Haley was on a roll identifying engines and logos on cars out the window . She was really enjoying herself . I had to explain to her that in a few minutes we were going to be getting off the train and meeting Mom and Big Sis so we could head to Grandpa 's . That didn 't seem to bother her as it seem like she was really ready to tell someone about her experience . Off To Grandpa 's We got off the train and met up with Mom who got a few more pictures of us in front of the train . As a last thrill for the night we all stood on the platform and watched as our train pulled away from the Tacoma station . Haley always enjoys the cadence of locomotive exhaust noise and with the train accelerating out of the station the exhaust rumbling off the ceiling of the platform cover was thrilling . Spontaneously she said " bye a train " and gave a great big wave . Shortly after I posted the last blog post Haley 's Big Sis decided to go over to her friends house . Shortly after that Haley seemed agitated . She wanted to know where her sister had gone . I told her and then she got upset . I asked her if she missed her sister and she said " Yeah . " Then she said " Haley . Day . ent . " She said it a few more times . I finally clued in . She was saying " Haley 's Birthday Present . " I asked her which present she was referring to . She repeated herself . I repeated myself . Then she said " One . Two . Three . " holding up finger for each number . I said " Do you mean all of them ? " and she said " Yeah . " I said " Are you missing your birthday presents ? " and she said " Yeah . " and started crying . It was then that I realized what was in those purses . We went to Target and found a new Polly Pocket to replace the seven or eight Polly Pockets that were in those purses , including the one that her Big Sis had given her for her birthday . We also found a new Lightning McQueen to replace the two that were in those purses . We looked for a fawn to replace Raina the Schleich fawn that was in those purses , but we didn 't find one . That was it . Then we went up the hill and visited the cow that lives behind Grandma and Grandpa 's house . Haley 's Dad and her Grandpa made a makeshift window out of cardboard and duct tape and cleaned all of the glass out of the Yukon and we drove it home . This morning someone came to the house and fixed the window . Haley did ask me if she could take three toys from the box of toys that Grandma and Grandpa have for her at their house home with us . I told her to ask her Grandma and she did . Grandma said she could bring them home . We now have a Mickey Mouse , a Minnie Mouse and a Woody the Woodpecker that we didn 't have before . She has played with them constantly ever since . This morning I noticed that Haley was going through her toys in her room . She hasn 't said anything more about the toys that are gone . I don 't know if she will . I kind of feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop , but so far it hasn 't affected her . She has been really big about it . We made the trip to Grandma and Grandpa 's house not only to see them , but also to go to a Mariner 's game . We left Haley with Grandma and Grandpa and Haley 's Dad and I and her Big Sis drove to Bremerton and took the ferry to Seattle to watch the game . We had a great time . Then we got back to the Yukon to find the window broken . My husband started to say that at least there wasn 't anything valuable in the Yukon when Haley 's Big Sis realized that Haley 's purses were gone . I usually make sure there is nothing of value visible in our vehicles when I leave them parked . It is one of the things that my Dad taught me . It is something that I take very seriously . I even made sure there was nothing around the front seat where I was sitting before I got out of the Yukon , but I didn 't think about Haley 's purses . We usually leave Haley 's toys in the Yukon when we go to G and G 's house because they have a box of toys that she plays with while she is here . We generally don 't want her to mix her toys up so we usually don 't bring them into their house . We made an exception this time because Haley really wanted her horses to come in with her . Thank God we did . I don 't know yet what I am going to tell her when she realizes that her purses are gone . I don 't even know what was in her purses because she has had them packed for TWELVE DAYS . I usually have some idea of what she has packed , but this time I don 't . My husband thinks we should just wait and see if she misses them . Yeah , right . She will miss them . She knows what she brought . I am dreading this . We have bigger problems right now . There is no glass in the back window . We don 't know how soon we will be able to get the window replaced . The Yukon is full of broken glass . We don 't know when we will be able to go home . That 's all , really . You 'd think I told her 100 days or that I had told her " No , we are not going to see your Grandpa after all . " I haven 't . I just keep agreeing with her . Every time she says " Hug Grandpa , Yeah . " I nod or say " Yes . " or I say " On Friday . " It doesn 't matter . She wants to hear " Now . " She wants us to leave now ! We spent the evening , through dinner , listening to her ask , whine , cry and scream . I know she won 't be like this once we get to Grandma and Grandpa 's house , she will be her sweet little angelic self for them . Right now I am tempted to take her up there and leave her . I am sure they won 't mind . They can just bring her back the next time they come down for a visit , right ? Haley doesn 't use descriptive words very often . Really she mainly uses nouns and some adverbs . She does use the occasional adjective though . When she is shopping she uses the word " cute " a lot in reference to the clothes she likes . She uses " scary " occasionally when referring to steam engines . In context she uses the word " scare " which means that she is scared by the big , noisy , hot engines . She has used the word " soft " to refer to her cat or to a stuffed animal . She has a complete understanding of colors and uses them correctly 100 % of the time , but there is one word that I am beginning to wonder if she really understands . She has said that she thinks the Daylight steam engine is pretty , which I tend to agree with . When that engine is cleaned up , pulling it 's matching cars and barrelling down the track with a plume of white steam coming out of the stack against a blue sky I think it is pretty too . She has used the word " pretty " to refer to diesel engines . I am afraid I don 't see it . This morning when we were walking by the river we saw a tugboat . I pointed it out to her and told her what it was and she said " pretty . " As we continued to walk along I realized that she must be using the word pretty like some people would use the words " cool " or " neat " or " awesome . " She also uses those words , but so far I have agreed with her use of them . When Haley and her Big Sis got to stay at Grandma and Grandpa 's a while back she " borrowed " a catalog from their house . She recognized the catalog because we had received the same one in the mail . It is a catalog of train related items , things like ; train decor , videos , books , puzzles and such . She really likes the item on the cover of the catalog . It is something that I think she has decided that she wants in her bedroom . I am not sure that she will get it , because it is relatively expensive , but she does like it . So when she saw the catalog at Grandma and Grandpa 's house I think she thought it was hers . I don 't think she had packed that catalog , but she assumed it was hers when she was packing to come back home . Well , the day after we got home she had come across the catalog that was here and she put the two catalogs side by side on the table . When I saw them I realized what had happened and I told her that she must of grabbed Grandma and Grandpa 's catalog by mistake . After a series of conversations about this she has come to the conclusion that she needs to return the catalog to Grandma and Grandpa 's house . So not only is she anxious to see Grandma and Grandpa for all of the normal reasons ; giving them hugs , seeing Heather and riding Grandpa 's tractor , she also wants to return their catalog . She talks about it constantly . Everyday we go over how many days it will be until she can see them . We are counting it down on our fingers and checking the calendar . Every time we talk about it she says " Daylight . Back . Box . " Loosely translated this means : " I am going to return the catalog with the Daylight on the front of it to the box at Grandma and Grandpa 's house where they keep all of their magazines . " I have told her several times that Grandma and Grandpa probably don 't miss the catalog , they in fact are probably happy you have it because you enjoy it so much , but it doesn 't matter . She has decided that what she did was wrong and it is time to set it right . So I have to remind her that it is not really time yet , but in will be in four days . Haley is developmentally delayed . She is a teenager with an extensive knowledge of trains . She loves animals . She is almost always happy . This blog is about her . |
( 0 ) Comments The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch . Someone dialed 911 . When the paramedics arrived , they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint . ( 0 ) Comments My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco . She asked the individual behind the counter for " minimal lettuce . " He said he was sorry , but they only had iceberg . ( 0 ) Comments The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS . He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right , and announced its arrival with an even larger sign , reading LOWEST PRICES . The shopkeeper was panicked , until he got an idea . He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read . . . Main entrance . ( 0 ) Comments Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip . They rent all the equipment - the reels , the rods , the wading suits , the rowboat , the car , and even a cabin in the woods . I mean they spend a fortune ! The first day they go fishing , but they don 't catch anything . The same thing happens on the second day , and on the third day . It goes on like this until finally , on the last day of their vacation , one of the men catches a fish . As they 're driving home they 're really depressed . One guy turns to the other and says , ( 0 ) Comments A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother - in - law 's death . It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt . He replies , ( 0 ) Comments A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant . First , he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot , then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold , and so on for about half an hour . Surprisingly , the waiter was very patient , he walked back and forth and never once got angry . So finally , a second customer asked him why he didn 't throw out the pest . ( 0 ) Comments I had a dream the other night . I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach . Suddenly , a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach , and a riderless horse pulls up on the right . The man leans down , pulls open the door , and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach . Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse . Just before he rode off , I yelled out , " Doc , I keep having these alternating recurring dreams . First I 'm a teepee ; then I 'm a wigwam ; then I 'm a teepee ; then I 'm a wigwam . It 's driving me crazy . What 's wrong with me ? " ( 0 ) Comments While sports fishing off the Florida coast , a tourist capsized his boat . He could swim , but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft . Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore , the tourist shouted , ( 0 ) Comments A man visits his aunt in the nursing home . It turns out that she is taking a nap , so he just sits down in a chair in her room , flips through a few magazines , and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table . Eventually , the aunt wakes up , and her nephew realizes he 's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl . ( 0 ) Comments I live in a semi - rural area . We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road . The reason : Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there . ( 0 ) Comments Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet . As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake , a carp came along and snatched up the wallet . Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in . Remarked one of the fisherman , ( 0 ) Comments The world is divided into two groups . There are those who know , and those who don 't know . Those who know are no problem . Those who don 't know are also in two groups . One is those who don 't know and know they don 't know . Well , they can learn ! But then , there are those who don 't know , and don 't know they don 't know . And they become unit managers ! ( 0 ) Comments It was the day of the big sale . Rumors of the sale ( and some advertising in the local paper ) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8 : 30 , the store 's opening time , in front of the store . A small man pushed his way to the front of the line , only to be pushed back , amid loud and colorful curses . On the man 's second attempt , he was punched square in the jaw , and knocked around a bit , and then thrown to the end of the line again . As he got up the second time , he said to the person at the end of the line . . . ( 0 ) Comments Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other ? They are separated by a big chain - link fence . Well , one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand . God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers . He called the devil over and said ( 0 ) Comments The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting . It seems that in England , they had a men 's club , Bachelors ' Anonymous . It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage . The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry . They send over a mother - in - law in nightgown , hair curlers , and a mud pack . Later in the day , the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water , shotgun in hand . She took aim at an alligator , killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank . Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures . The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration , ( 0 ) Comments My Dearest Susan , Sweetie of my heart . I 've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement . Simply devastated . Won 't you please consider coming back to me ? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill . I can never marry another woman quite like you . I need you so much . Won 't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning ? I love you so . Yours always and truly , John . . P . S . Congratulations on you winning the state lottery . ( 0 ) Comments At a friend 's wedding , everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle . The boy stopped at every pew , growling at the guests . When asked afterward why he behaved so badly , he explained , ( 0 ) Comments When our second child was on the way , my wife and I attended a pre - birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child . The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child . It went like this : " tell the older child , ' We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family . ' But think about that . Ladies , what if your husband came home one day and said , ' Honey , I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife . ' " ( 0 ) Comments Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid . Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime - - Little Johnny always takes the nickel . One day , after Johnny takes the nickel , a neighbor man takes him aside and says , ( 0 ) Comments This is the story of four people named Everybody , Somebody , Anybody , and Nobody . There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it . Anybody could have done it , but Nobody did it . Somebody got angry about that , because it was Everybody 's job . Everybody thought Anybody could do it , but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn 't do it . Consequently , it wound up that Nobody told Anybody , so Everybody blamed Somebody . ( 0 ) Comments A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog . All of a sudden , he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head . The manager runs up to the man and asks , ( 0 ) Comments A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he . On the way to the cleaning shed , he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows . The second fisherman looked at the marlin , turned to the first fisherman and said , ( 0 ) Comments A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $ 8 bill instead of a $ 10 bill . He decided to try it out anyway . He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change . The teller looked at the $ 8 bill and gave the crook two $ 4 bills as change . The second guy says , " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow . " The last guy replies , " I would like to hear them say , " Look ! He 's moving ! " " Well , you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work . My foreman got jealous . People started thinking I was the foreman . " " Not Tex , " the second cowboy replied . " He 'll always be just a good cool boy . When he walks in , I 'm sure all he 'll say is hello . " ( 0 ) Comments The new Ensign was assigned to subs , where he 'd dreamed of working since a young boy . He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School . The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said , " Listen , ' sir ' , it 's real simple . Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface . Divide that number by two . If the result doesn 't come out even , don 't open the hatch . " ( 0 ) Comments Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train . A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they 'd never seen before . Each bought one . The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel . When the train emerged from the tunnel , he looked across to his friend and said , ( 0 ) Comments On a flight to Florida , I was preparing my notes for one of the parent - education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist . The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children , 18 grandchildren and ten great - grandchildren in Boston . Then she inquired what I did for a living . I told her , fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice . Instead she sat back , picked up a magazine and said , The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a jar of chocolate ice cream topping . He coats the earthworm in the sauce until it is straight and stiff in a hard chocolate shell . Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole . The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars , grabs the chocolate sauce and runs into the house . ( 0 ) Comments Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake , sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one . On his way home , he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish . He told the fish salesman , " Hey , wanna hear a blonde joke ? " The man says back to the blind man , " Look buddy , I 'm blonde . The man behind me is a 400 - pound professional wrestler and he is blonde . The bouncer is blonde . The man sitting over to your left is also blonde . Still wanna tell that blonde joke ? " ( 0 ) Comments A woman and man get into a car accident . Both of their cars are totally demolished , but amazingly neither one of them is hurt . After they crawl out of the wreckage , the woman says , She hands the bottle to the man . The man nods his head in agreement , opens it , and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves . The woman takes the bottle , immediately puts the cap back on , and hands it back to the man . The man asks , ( 0 ) Comments A man really loved a woman , but he was just too shy to propose to her . Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married . Of course , they dated about once a week for the past six years , but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together . But one day , he became determined to ask her the question . So he calls her on the phone , " June . " " Yes , this is June . " ( 0 ) Comments A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together . St . Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity . They get into St . Peter 's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road , which turns into a platinum road , which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds , to a huge mansion where St . Peter turns to the lawyer and says , ( 0 ) Comments One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations . At closing time , he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar , trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his . The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes . Meanwhile , all the other patrons left the bar and drove off . Finally he started his engine and began to pull away . The police officer was waiting for him . As soon as he pulled onto the street , the officer stopped him , read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood - alcohol content . The results showed a reading of 0 . 0 . The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be . The driver replied , ( 0 ) Comments There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb . His mother finally told him that if he didn 't stop sucking his thumb , he 'd get fat . Two weeks later , his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge . The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says , " Doctor , you must help me , " she pleaded . " It 's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here , I end up dating him . And then afterward , I feel guilty and depressed for a week . " ( 0 ) Comments With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually , it 's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible . In one particularly cruel move , the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight - loss organization . Chocolate sales rose almost immediately , but the weight - loss group wised up and now keeps it clients ' names . ( 0 ) Comments There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old , abandoned mine shaft . Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom , but they heard nothing . They went and got a bigger rock , threw it in and waited . Still nothing . They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie . With great difficulty , the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in . While waiting for it to hit bottom , a goat suddenly darted between them and leaps into the hole ! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them . He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them ! The man replied , ( 0 ) Comments A lady early in morning , rushed to visit her doctor . She was looking very much tensed and all strung out . She rattles off : " Doctor , take a look at me . When I woke up this morning , I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up , my skin was all wrinkled and pasty , my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out , and I had this corpse - like look on my face ! What 's WRONG with me , Doctor ! ? " ( 0 ) Comments Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve . They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven . On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas . The first man searches his pocket , and finds some Mistletoe , so he is allowed in . The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in . The third man pulls out a pair of stockings . Confused at this last gesture , St . Peter asks , ( 0 ) Comments With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part - time jobs , our schedule was hectic . To add to this , we kept running out of household supplies . I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator . As a reminder , I wrote at the top : ( 0 ) Comments Martin had just received his brand new drivers license . The family troops out to the driveway , and climbs in the car , where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time . Dad immediately heads for the back seat , directly behind the newly minted driver . The CO says " Are you crazy ? You just join the Israeli army , and you already want a 3 - day pass ? You must do something spectacular for that recognition ! " " Well , I jumped in a tank , and went toward the border with the Arabs . I approached the border , and saw an Arab tank . I put my white flag up , the Arab tank put his white flag up . I said to the Arab soldier , " The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here , years ago . Red meat is awful . Vegetables can be disastrous , and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water . But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it . Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I 'm referring to ? You , sir , in the first row , please give us your idea . " ( 0 ) Comments For two solid hours , the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren . She had even produced a plastic - foldout photo album of all nine of the children . She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren . " Oh , I 've done all the talking , and I 'm so sorry . I know you certainly have something to say . Please , tell me . . . what do you think of my grandchildren ? " ( 0 ) Comments Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work . His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn 't do something about it . So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed . Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours . He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work . ( 0 ) Comments Recently a teacher , a garbage collector , and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates . St . Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven , they would each have to answer one question . St . Peter addressed the teacher and asked , ( 0 ) Comments There were three Aggies ; one crane operator , one pole climber , one guide . The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole . The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end . The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement . The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and re - positioned to pick up another pole . This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn 't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground ? The Aggies replied , ( 0 ) Comments A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist . He went there , lay on the couch , spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better . The psychiatrist asked me a few questions , took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face . Suddenly , he looked up with an expression of delight and said , ( 0 ) Comments A motorist , driving by a Texas ranch , hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road . The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened . He then asked what the animal was worth . " Oh , about $ 200 today , " said the rancher . " But in six years it would have been worth $ 900 . So $ 900 is what I 'm out . " ( 0 ) Comments A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102 . Already there is a long - time resident who looks 100 years old . The new man looks at the old - timer inquiringly . The old - timer says , " Look at me . I 'm old and worn out . You 'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley . I wintered on the Riviera , had a boat , four fine cars , the most beautiful women , and I ate in all the best restaurants of France . " ( 0 ) Comments Taking a break from the campaign trail , John McCain decides to take in a movie . After buying his ticket , he stops at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn . Handing the attendant $ 5 , he says , Officer : That 's no way to address an officer ! Now let 's try it again . Do you have change for a dollar ? Soldier : No , SIR ! When he finally arrived in Texas , he decided to visit a bar . Upon arriving in the bar , he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands . He exclaimed , The blind man headed for the bathroom , but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door . Instead , he entered the third door , which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident . Scared to death , the blind man started shouting , ( 0 ) Comments Johnny : Daddy , are caterpillars good to eat ? Father : Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals ! Mother : Why did you say that , Junior ? Why did you ask the question ? Johnny : It 's because I saw one on daddy 's lettuce , but now it 's gone . ( 0 ) Comments Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine . The message " He 's lying " was placed in the copier , and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn 't telling the truth . Believing the " lie detector " was working , the suspect confessed . Police Jokes ( 0 ) Comments When I take a long time , I am slow . When my boss takes a long time , he is thorough . When I don 't do it , I am lazy . When my boss doesn 't do it , he 's too busy . When I do it without being told , I 'm trying to be smart . When my boss does the same , that is initiative . When I please my boss , that 's brown - nosing . When my boss pleases his boss , that 's co - operating . When I do good , my boss never remembers . When I do wrong , he never forgets . ( 0 ) Comments When young Jose , newly arrived in the United States , made his first trip to Yankee Stadium , there were no tickets left for sale . Touched by his disappointment , a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag . Later , Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience . ( 0 ) Comments It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman , with a baby in her arms , entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it ? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 . She agreed . He had been counting the years off on his calendar , and one day the teenager , who had been collecting the meat each week , came into the shop and said , ( 0 ) Comments A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away . As the pallbearers carry the casket out , they accidentally bump into a wall . They hear a faint moan . They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive . She lives for 10 more years and then dies . They have another funeral for her . At the end of the service , the pallbearers carry out the casket . As they are walking , the husband cries out , ( 0 ) Comments You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person , and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat ? And they look at you and say they don 't know . And you 're looking at them , like , ' You do know . I bet if I follow you for an hour , we gonna be eatin ' . ( 0 ) Comments My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start . So far today , I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake . I feel better already . ( 0 ) Comments One day , two friends play golf one day at their local golf course . One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course . He stops in mid - swing , takes off his golf cap , closes his eyes , and bows down in prayer . St . Peter then turned to the next man , a carpenter , and asked him the same question . The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family . But St . Peter also rejected him , pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton , so much so that he married a woman named BonBon . At this point the third man , who had been a lawyer , stood up and said , ( 0 ) Comments A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife . " You just won 't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I 've never seen anything like it . " " Oh yes dear , what happened ? " " I came across two guys down by the canal , one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks . " " Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks ! ! What did you do with them ? " " Oh that was easy , I charged one and let the other off . " " The female dormitory will be out - of - bounds for all male students , and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students . Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $ 20 the first time . Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $ 60 . Being caught a third time will cost you $ 180 . Are there any questions ? " ( 0 ) Comments A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch . So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares . So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance . But , instead of his business building up , it began to slacken . He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board . So he decided to check it out himself . Then he understood why ! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho - the - rapist . ( 0 ) Comments Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting . They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks . The pilot came back , as arranged , to pick them up . They started loading their gear into the plane , including the six elk . But the pilot objected and he said , They argued with him ; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard . The plane was the same model and capacity . Reluctantly , the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard . But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley , the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness . Climbing out of the wreckage , one hunter said to the other , Just then the Indian looks up . " Covered wagon , " he says , " about two miles away . Have two horses , one brown , one white . Man , woman , child , household effects in wagon . " " Incredible ! " says the cowboy to his friend . " This Indian knows how far away they are , how many horses , what color they are , who is in the wagon , and what is in the wagon . Amazing ! " " Doctor , I 'm so depressed and lonely . I don 't have any friends , no one will come near me , and everybody laughs at me . Can you help me accept my ugliness ? " ( 0 ) Comments Driving to work , a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him . Seconds later , a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving . Fortunately , another officer had seen the carton in the road . The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box . It was found to contain large upholstery tacks . " I 'm sorry sir , " the first trooper told the driver , ( 0 ) Comments A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop , and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission . Repeated requests for repair brought only promises . After several days , the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush . The phone was now working fine - - except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call . A repairman arrived within the hour ! ( 0 ) Comments A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit , the wife being pregnant with their first child . After everything checked out , the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife 's stomach with indelible ink . The couple was curious about what the stamp was for , so when they got home , the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was . In very tiny letters , the stamp said , ( 0 ) Comments Two men went bear hunting . While one stayed in the cabin , the other went out looking for a bear . He soon found a huge bear , shot at it but only wounded it . The enraged bear charged toward him , he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could . He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step . Just as he reached the open cabin door , he tripped and fell flat . Too close behind to stop , the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin . The man jumped up , closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside , ( 0 ) Comments I was sitting in my science class , when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year . My lab partner became visibly excited , cheering and clapping . I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes , not the actual amount of time . Needless to say , she was very disappointed " I love my daughter , and now I welcome you into the family , " said the man . " To show you how much we care for you , I 'm making you a 50 - 50 partner in my business . All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations . " " I hate office work , " said the son - on - law . " I can 't stand being stuck behind a desk all day . " " Wait a minute , " said the father - in - law . " I just make you half - owner of a moneymaking organization , but you don 't like factories and won 't work in a office . What am I going to do with you ? " " Easy , " said the young man . " Buy me out . " One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child . The six - year old was obviously impressed , but made no comment . Furthermore , he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event . The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said , The cowboy just groaned . The usher marched briskly back up the aisle . In a moment he returned with the manager . Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy , but with no success . Finally , they summoned the police . The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked , ( 0 ) Comments This weekend , I discovered a cooking tip I haven 't seen listed in any cookbooks . While you are preparing the food , and after the guests have arrived , you contrive to fill the house up with smoke , preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going . Then you go rushing about the house , opening all the windows , setting up fans , and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department . Let the guests sit for about 1 / 2 hour at 50 degrees ( as a result of opening the windows ) and serve the food . By this point , you have established expectations in your guests ' minds that you can 't fail to exceed ! ( 0 ) Comments There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery , and his wife was sitting by his side . His eyes fluttered open and he said , " You 're beautiful ! " and then he fell asleep again . His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side . A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said , |
I left Pizza Hut in March , I think . The anti - climax of all anticlimaxes , I just told them I couldn 't afford to drive to work , and then drive . Not for what gas prices were - and are still , even though they 've come down a bit , but not nearly enough . But maybe that 's a good place to stop the book , if I were writing one . Which I am . At least it 's a good demarcation . If I 'm not currently working in pizza , I can concentrate on going back and filling in the holes in my story . Sliding back and forth through time like Donnie Darko rattles the senses . I need to be firmly rooted … in the past . Speaking of the past , I have a new part time job . I work in a little mom - and - pop liquor store . It doesn 't pay much , but it 's not exceptionally demanding , either . And it reminds me of another job I had oh so long ago . Wait , let me get my time line right . In 83 I graduated , and went to college in the fall . In 84 I flunked out . In the fall of 84 we moved to St Louis . I think that 's when I got the job . There was this small chain of convenience stores in the area called " Majik Market . " The company is long gone , but many of the buildings are still around , still being used by Asians as convenience stores . The one I used to work at is actually an insurance office now . I was fairly new here , going to school , and wanted to have money of my own . My Aunt Gloria ( who passed away this last December ) was the one that gave me a line on this job . " Majik Market is hiring , " she said . " I talked to the manager up there . You should go apply . " Of course , I didn 't know the reason * why * they were hiring . At the store on Bellefontaine Road just a few weeks ago , the young woman working the register was shot in the face and killed . It turned out that the robbery was supposed to be a setup between her and the robber , but he panicked . Or maybe they were dating . Either way , suddenly there were openings , and not just there . A few people got cold feet and quit . Enter me : bright - eyed , bushy - tailed , and gullible as shit . Him : Good . Okay . You need to call this number and set up a time to go to this address for a lie detector test . Once that 's taken care of , we 'll call when we 're going to have you start . I didn 't have an interview . I had a lie detector test . They may or may not have been illegal then , but they definitely are now , as a condition of employment . The place was somewhere near the Arena , which isn 't there anymore . It was late November , and we had a good snow … like 10 inches . I didn 't let a little thing like that stop me ; I made it to my test . When they do a lie detector test , there is a pre - interview , where they screen some information in order to set up the questions they are going to ask . That 's where I lied my balls off . No , I don 't smoke pot . No , I 've never been arrested . Yes , I promise not to masturbate in the bathroom on the overnight shift . So I got the job . I wasn 't going to work at the one on Bellefontaine , but rather the one nearer to my house . The current staff was the manager - some 60 - year old woman , and two other guys . The black guy worked mostly 3rds and a few second shifts . Let 's call him Ron . The other guy was a middle - aged white dude . Ken . He was skinny and nerdy , and had a chip on his shoulder . He had been promoted to " assistant manager . " With four people , I 'm not sure what that means . We all worked by ourselves . When I was there at 3am , I might as well have been the fucking manager . This was my first job that didn 't involve bales of hay or fields of beans . I figured out how to do it - I 'm pretty smart - but there was no motivation to work very hard . I usually had several hours in the middle of the night to do nothing whatsoever . Not bad for 2 . 85 an hour . We hired another guy after that who was about my age , but he didn 't last very long . He was there long enough to cover for me ( kinda ) when I was going to a concert . I still had to come in , but I could be an hour or so late . Of course , this was Bruce Springsteen , the Born in the USA tour . We had to leave before the show was over because he plays so goddamn long . I 've only left one other concert early . I had this other thing going on that was a minor inconvenience , and I didn 't wonder until much later if it was the cause of other problems . These two dudes I sort of knew would come up there and hang out - just hang out - in the middle of the night . Like after 1 am until about 2 or 3 . My friends at the time revolved around my cousins and their friends , and these guys were friends of * those * friends . So it wasn 't even a direct relationship . They would come up and hang out and try to mooch shit for free off of me . At first I did let them have some shit , but if you give an inch , they want a sixpack . I had to start saying no and being a dick about it . We would get high up there , too . I think they were just helping me smoke * my * weed . What the fuck ? Late at night when no one is around it does get boring and a little lonely . But after a while , I craved to be alone . They were pests . Of course you have some regulars . I learned the hard way that I actually do need to make fresh coffee before 5am , or I have a bunch of pissed off people . There were also some Section - 8 ghetto apartments behind us , so I had people trying to use food stamps for shit you can 't get with food stamps - but they have to try it on the new guy . My worst times there were the holidays , and I had nightmares about it for a while after that . We didn 't even HAVE gas pumps , but in my dreams we did . Thanksgiving was a taste of what Christmas and New Years ' was going to be like . Remember , this is the mid - 80s , and there were not as many convenience stores around then . And none whatsoever near us . You decide on Thanksgiving morning you need milk and eggs ? Yeah , so did 140 other assholes in the last hour . We - or I - got screwed on the holidays . Thanksgiving was a holiday , but not until 7am that morning . Working from 11pm the night before until then doesn 't count . But don 't worry : everyone has to come in and work about 4 hours so that it 's " fair " and so that everyone gets some home time . I got off at 7am , and then come back and work from 2pm to 6pm . That was time and half , that four hours . If only I could come back again that night - but no , somebody else got the night of the holiday , with the holiday pay . Here it was towards the end of February . There was a crisis at the store . Also , there was a pretty rough snow storm . I think all this went down right around my birthday . When I showed up at 3 for second shift , Nancy said that there was a major shortage at the store . Not money , but product . Like ten grand worth . I think maybe they should count again . But I had to go down for another lie detector test - everyone did . Oh , crap . You know what ? I don 't think there was snow the first time . I think that was early November . No snow . But there was snow this time . I remember . This was the big snow . The next day I drive down , and it had started snowing . It was late morning . I get down there for the lie detector test , and the guy giving the test talks to me , so I have to fess up about something . You know , I 'm going to eat in the middle of the night . I told him that occasionally I would eat something , but that I kept a running total of it , and when I got paid I paid it back . I showed him the register tape , where I had about 14 dollars worth of stuff on it . He was totally fine with that , and we did the test . Uh , sure . Okay . I hadn 't done anything else wrong . This seemed minor , but I was taking care of it . I went back - I actually had to work that night - I got a money order and I went into to work at 3pm . Long about 1030 , I get a call from Ron . I don 't know where he lives , no idea - but he says he can 't make it in . There is 10 inches of snow , and it 's still falling . Okay . So I make the call I have to make . I guess I called Nancy , but after I told her what happened , Don the supervisor called me , so I could repeat the story for him . About 1130 , Don comes in . When the supervisor has to come in and work , it 's never a good thing . When they have to come in and work a third shift , I imagine they aren 't very happy . But he was the one who was going to relieve me . He said that Ron no longer worked for us . Don offered to get Ron a cab , and pay for it , to have him come in . I guess Ron refused this generous offer . Okay , then . So without Ron , I worked third shift . I worked ALL the third shifts . For two weeks straight I worked third shift and did not have a night off . That 14th morning , Nancy came in like always , but she was visibly upset . Why ? Well , she had to fire me . She got the call yesterday and was simply told to not put me on the schedule anymore . Why , she wanted to know . The fact that I took items without paying for them was theft , a violation of company policy , blah blah blah . At least I wasn 't responsible for the grand theft - which was still a mystery - and she was relieved about that because we were getting along in a friendly way . She was cute and I worked harder to try to please her . So , I violated company policy , and I had to be fired . But that came to light two weeks ago . Why wasn 't I fired then ? Am I bitter ? No . I was then . I 'm not now . I learned some things . Besides , I 'm still here , and I doubt Majik Market would turn up anything on a Google search . Which is the lesson to be learned here , kids . Don 't fuck with me . You 'll go out of business . Jonathan 's wife is hot . Too hot for him . He 's a short , chubby , slightly Mexican - looking dude . She looks like a model . I 'm a tall , chubby , basically Caucasian - looking dude . What gives ? Ah , well . I already have a girlfriend . She 's not young and hot , though . She 's old but still pretty . The lesson I 'm sure that I need to learn in life is to not always let my dick do the driving . But there 's still time - I 'm young . I 'm finally able to put some names to the faces , and remember the faces . I thought two of them were the same guy , but it turns out they are brothers , Ricky and … the other one . Ironically , they have a Latina last name but don 't look it , while Jonathan doesn 't , but does look it . There 's also Marty and his brother as well - didn 't catch his name . There are others , like this cocky football player - looking dude , some tall guy I hear people calling " Mabes , " and a random assortment of others . Oh , and Thomas just rolled onto the scene . He 's new here but he 's done this before , he said . After a fashion he kind of latched onto me , so I guess I have a friend . Thomas is a good guy , a little insecure , and a loud talker . Don 't tell him I said that . Besides , that was a quarter . Nobody got a quarter raise . He might get a dime or fifteen cents . Not a quarter . I kept quiet ; my personal belief was that with delivery , you made your own raise by getting better and more efficient at it , taking more runs and kissing the customers ' ass more . I had no idea how to do that . Man , I wish I did . That jackoff football player - looking dude - Jeff - always made out really good in tips , or at least he claimed to . If so , he was much nicer to the customers than he was to anyone here in the store . I had to make up for what I lacked in social skills by driving fast , and running hard . We all run . We run to the car . We run to the door . We run back to the car . We run back into the store . When the phone rings , we run to it . Two rings , max . Always . So I run . I 'm not built for running , so much , but I do it . Plus I like to get high while I deliver . I didn 't do that so much at first because I wanted to get used to the job and learn the area . But after a few months of driving up and down these streets all over the place , I rarely look at the map , except to figure out the right hundred - block . Getting high kind of slows you down , but I have a solution . I take some mini - thins . For those of you not hip to the drug lingo , that 's speed . Actually , they 're just caffeine pills . But three minis will get me through a close , and I can still get high . I was having a pretty good Saturday night - I was closing . It was just after dinner rush and a few drivers were cut . It would start to open up for me . I came back from a run , and Tom grabbed me and said , " Hey , come in here a minute . " The office . He closed the door . Hell , I didn 't even think this broom closet - sized office had a door . We had a quick meeting . " Bubba , I just wanted to tell you , that you 've been doing a really good job , and I 'm impressed . I really didn 't think you were going to make it - " " Starting Monday you get a raise . Three - fifty . " He raised his furry eyebrow , letting it sink in , because 15 cents is the highest increment raises came in . I had only been there a few months . " And Bubba - listen : don 't tell anyone about it , okay ? Not everyone is getting a raise right now . Just keep it to yourself . " He was taken aback . " I thought - " He grabbed a clipboard and flipped back a couple of pages . " Every time you sign the daily - see there ? You 're signing ' Bubba . ' I thought it was your nickname . " Fuck me . But I got a raise , so what the hell . We exited the office . Joel caught my eye . " Bubba , you 're up . " That fast ? It happened that fast ? Christ in a - So I continued to have a good night , and I was happy about my raise . It wasn 't the money , really . Fifteen cents over thirty hours , or sixty , on a biweekly paycheck - was going to be … a couple of bucks . The difference between a couple of decent tips and a couple of good tips . But it was a marker , like proof that I got a pat on the back . Recognition for a job well done and all my hard work . In the course of having a good night I may have celebrated a bit , like taking a few hits from my bat - my one - hitter . The mistake , of course , was that this was some serious skunk weed , and had an odor to it . An odor that lingered , and clung to me . Imagine my surprise when later , about 930 , Tom caught me and had me come into his office again . He had a somber expression on his face . You know pot makes you paranoid , right ? Getting busted doesn 't make it better . I was shaking on the inside , so I froze , held completely still . I may have held my breath . Tom continued . " We can smell it on you , and a customer called - " " Yeah . So don 't - don 't do that anymore on the clock . When you 're off I don 't care what you do . But I don 't want to catch you high on the clock anymore . " It was just another typical night in the spring , and I was working . I may have gotten high , too . But it was a nice night , I was having a good night , I was in the groove , and things were clicking for me . Maybe I like to take a hit or two off the one - hitter during a long Saturday night close . But I also took a couple of mini - thins - caffeine pills - to get me through the night as well . A nice buzz and a loud stereo - now what could be better ? I 'm on this run … I 'm not going to say where . It 's pretty late . It 's past 10 pm . I park on the street . My e - brake is a little weak and there isn 't much of a curb , so I shut the car off . I had parked right in front of another car . It looked like a classic , like an early 60s Rambler or something like that . It wasn 't mint , but it looked pretty good . Okay . I get up to the door before I see that this is not the house . Fives and sixes look similar in some typefaces . This was actually an eight . At least I didn 't bang on their door and wake someone up like I did last week . Well I 'm not going to get back in the car to go down three houses . I walk . I deliver the pies and walk back to my car . When you do what I do - take a lot of deliveries in the course of a night - that 's a lot of times in and out of the car . You get into a routine , and much of it is automatic . Of course , sometimes you unknowingly take shortcuts in your routine . I heard as well as felt the dull thud . I looked up , and behind my panicked face in the rear view mirror I saw the Rambler , right behind me . Oh , fuck . Oh , and panic I did . I looked around quickly , I unplugged my cartop from my lighter , I started the car and took off . And I did not turn on the lights until I was two blocks away . I kept looking behind me . Yeah , I chose that time to start using my mirrors . In it , all I saw was me . Man , did I look guilty . I never heard anything about it ; I never got in trouble for it . I got away clean , except for my conscious . Luckily I have a short attention span and a bad memory . I 've been here at Domino 's about a month now . I really feel like I 'm starting to get the hang of it all . I must be doing a good enough job because I 'm working more hours . Not quite forty - maybe thirty - but the money is good . And I was now getting to close two nights per week . I come in sometimes at 430 and sometimes at five . You never know when you are going to get off unless you are scheduled to close . It could be two hours , it could be four hours . Whenever we slowed down , people were off . If I closed , I stayed until we were done . We closed at 1am during the week , and 2 on Friday and Saturday . We want to get out as soon as we can after close . The manager deals with the money and paperwork , and the last two drivers do the cleaning . Usually one does the dishes and one does the front , and they both sweep and mop . This is my first experience with time management , I guess . In between runs and when we are slow , we try to do what we can without interrupting the flow of business . Maybe this is obvious to all of you , but I 'm new to this . The first couple of times , closing seemed … hard . Now , after a couple of weeks , I 'm a real pro . Okay , not a real pro . But I am getting the hang of it . I 've learned all kinds of important tricks , like what I learned the other night . I learned that you can 't pull the mop bucket along by the mop , because the wheels don 't roll well and you 'll tip the mop bucket over . Sure , okay . I follow him , pull up along side of him while he makes the drop , and I just sit there . Now what ? I feel silly now , because he had to get out of the car and come over to me and explain that it was procedure , for security , and I 'm supposed to hang back in the parking lot to keep an eye out , not stick to close to him , and now that he made the drop , he would just wave me off as he was done and we would go our separate ways . Ya know , I 'm from the country . Security is as alien a concept to me as paved roads . But he only had to tell me once , and I got it . Not Ghostbusters . But you can call another store in the franchise . I was unclear on this at first , but the company I work for is Domino 's Pizza , yes - but it is not a corporate store . There are no corporate stores in the whole metropolitan area . They are all franchises , and the franchise I work for - A & M Pizza - owns about seven or eight stores , something like that . Who owns the rest ? Other franchises . A & M also owns the stores in the Springfield , Missouri region . Art , the A in A & M , is here in St Louis over these stores , and Marty , the M , is in Springfield . I have yet to meet Art . I don 't understand the hierarchy … I guess there are managers , and then there is a supervisor , Scott Wilson , whom I have seen . And then there is Art . Okay , I guess I do get the hierarchy . Anywho , what with this being an urban - suburban area , the stores are fairly close , and if one gets busy they can call another one for help that is usually only ten or fifteen minutes away . If you look at the map here , you see our area outlined in marker . To the north is written the phone number to the store that covers that area . To the west and south , the same thing . To the east is the Mississippi River , and generally we don 't deliver there . So it 's not mandatory … but we are strongly encouraged . I 'm always up for some excitement , so I have gone to both Spanish Lake , to the north , and Ferguson , which has a monstrously large area to the west . To the south is Baden ( technically the City of St Louis ) and that store is owned by another company , so we don 't have to go there . Thank God ; Baden is a shithole . North St Louis ? You don 't want to be there , brother . Not as a white boy after dark with a brightly lit sign on the roof of your car that says " I have money and food , come and get it . " There are details and protocol to the whole idea of lending and borrowing drivers . A store gets busy , they assess the situation and realize they need help , even for a brief period of time . They make a call or two . If a store has someone , they 'll send them . Or they will ask : " Want to go to Ferguson and take a few runs ? " Sure . What the hell . I wasn 't sophisticated enough to know there was much of a difference between these neighborhoods . I would clock out here , at my home store , and drive to the other store . I would take some runs , or sometimes one run , and then go back . Then I would clock back in . The stores would communicate - that 's what we have all these five - line phones for - and the borrowing store would pay my labor for the travel time as well . And the time clock is weird , but it makes it easy to do the math . If you leave your store at 606 and come back at 654 , the time clock says 6 . 1 and 6 . 9 . You were gone for . 8 of an hour , and the math is easy . Is this metric time ? There isn 't someone available all the time to make the trek . Sometimes everyone is busy - and sometimes no one wants to go , especially if it 's to a shithole like Normandy . In that case , sometimes the drivers are coerced , bribed , blackmailed , or just forced to go , and take one for the team . When others practice warfare with paint guns and rubber bullets , we used live ammo . Joel trained me my first night . He made a time card for me and I clocked in . I gave it a passing glance and didn 't understand it - and that was going to set the stage for my evening . " Okay , Guy , let 's get you set up with a cartop and a hotbox . " I followed him and he showed me the drill . In the backroom stacked randomly were both pieces of equipment . The cartop was a big heavy plastic box with the logo on the outside and a couple of lightbulbs on the inside . Suction cups on the bottom so it would stick to the roof of your car , and a cord to plug into your cigarette lighter . I was informed that whoever wore the cartops got an extra 15 cents per delivery for advertising for the company . Woo - hoo ! This is in addition to the 48 cents we got for " mileage " or " reimbursement , " or whatever they called it . The terms seemed interchangeable . Then Joel got me the hotbox . This is a crucial piece of equipment , as I understand it . A big aluminum box , big enough to hold six pizzas , probably , with a perfectly safe asbestos blanket connected to it with a stiff wire . We needed the blanket because first I had to light a small can of Sterno and put it in the box . This all gets strapped into my front seat . I 'm ready to go . But first , I 'm going to shadow Joel for most of the night . He drove a little Volkswagen Golf , and his hotbox was in the backseat so I could ride shotgun . " Ready , Guy ? " I learned that was his thing - calling everyone " Guy . " Good thing - I thought it was going to be my nickname . I really didn 't want a nickname . While we were setting up , business started picking up . Phones were ringing , people were coming in at the start of their shift , and Tom was right on it , directing people and events to make things go smoothly . " Here , Guy , here 's your bank . This is fifteen bucks , you use it to make change with . " It was a five , 8 ones , and two bucks in coins . It was always that much . Small plastic containers with the banks made up were tossed to drivers as the clocked in and got set up . Joel went , and I followed . We went over to the heatrack , and Joel was moving fast and explaining as he went ; I tried to keep up and pay attention . I caught bits and pieces of the information . " Okay , we 're going here … and here . We take the yellow off the box - follow me - and we come around back here . I 'm number seven , so I clip them here . You need to pick a number that isn 't taken - " " Okay , the streets are Green Acres and Saint Cyr . So we go to the map , here . Here 's the guide , and the grid matches up with the map coordinates . See ? But I know where these are . Here . And down here . Got it ? Okay . " We went to the rack , and he put the pizzas - sorry , " pies " - let 's get into the lingo . He put the pies in a hotbag . " Make sure you check for all the items . Right here , in this corner , is going to be a number if there 's more than one . Right here - see this - always check for sodas . This one has two Cokes . Grab them . There . Okay , Guy , we 're set . Time is important here . The big clock up there is the official time . Always call out the times when you leave , and when you come back . Always . " He looked at the clock , then at the labels on the boxes , and did some quick math . As he heads out the door he says , " Let 's roll . Twelve and fourteen , two Cokes ! " He yelled the last part to the store as I followed him at a trot out the door . As I get in the passenger side , he opens his back door , pulls the pies out of the bag and puts them in the hotbox , throws the hotbag on top of it , and hops in the front . Not wasting any time , he started the car , shifted and gunned it out the parking lot and up the street . He never stopped talking the whole time . Everything was a blur . When we came back from the first run , Joel yelled , " Seventeen , twenty ! " as soon as he opened the door . One of the things that I did catch was that I was supposed to pay attention to how old the pie was when I delivered it and repeat that time when I came back . But the rest ? Something about checks - get some information on them . Yeah . Makes sense . He would show me the address , but I would have only time to look at the coordinates and as I would turn toward the map , he would say , " Let 's go , Guy ! " I technically lived in Florissant , and this was Bellefontaine Neighbors . My girlfriend lived here , and I stayed with her . I had a rudimentary knowledge of the area at best : main roads , the way to the highway , and the way to the store . Everything else was a mystery … But as we drove around , I could sense some of the mystery unlocking for me . I was making connections , and the roads were beginning to make sense for me . I could * get * this . I could do this . I took six deliveries that first night , and made about ten bucks in tips . And that was just driving for a about an hour and a half . Of course they were all singles ; I was the newest of the new . I was a real FNG . But on my own I was able to figure things out on my own terms . It was coming together for me . And then it was time to go . I brought my shit in and " checked out . " Tom grabbed the keys and unlocked the drop box for me , and I got out my money . After every delivery , I 'm supposed to drop my cash . It says right on my nametag " Driver does not leave store with more than $ 20 . " So it must be true . I straightened out my money standing up while Tom sat in the one chair in the office and filled out the sheet , called the daily . Tom wrote down my name , and added up my slips , then counted them . Forty - eight cents times six in one column , and six times fifteen cents in another . He wrote the totals down , and quickly his stubby fingers ran over the ten - key , then handed me my money . Fourteen bucks . Wow . I can see this working out for quite a while . Six weeks is a long time for someone used to working . I had been fired from the warehouse job , due to my inability to look behind me when I back up - what am I , an owl ? It had less to do with what I did than when I did it - we had moved to a new facility and they needed to set a standard , and I was made an example . A week later , I went by the warehouse to pick up my last check . My wife and I were down to one car , which worked well when I was working third shift . It worked even better when I didn 't have a job . On this day , I took her to work so I could have the car . I walked in , said hi to a few of the people , but I didn 't know these guys . I worked thirds , and rarely saw these people . On the way out , I happened to cross paths with Bill Henry - owner , operator , and CEO of Henry 's transportation . I had applied for unemployment , and I did receive some . But then there was a hearing , because I had been fired . Henry 's wanted to deny my claim . I didn 't go to the hearing . I received four weeks of 138 dollar payments , and then had to pay back about two or three hundred dollars . We were hurting for money , and I was looking for work … but I don 't think I was looking very hard . I don 't know what happened . But we did call our bishop from church , and he hooked us up with the storehouse , so that we were able to get food . I didn 't have to do anything when I went there , but of course I felt obligated . I would help out for a few hours , packing up other orders , helping load a truck , and things like that . After that I load up my own order in the car , about half a dozen paper bags full of groceries and staples . It was into November , and still no work . I talked to people I knew - no leads . Well , I had done pizza before , I can do it again , I thought . While we lived in Jennings , we would frequent Florissant because that 's where my parents lived , and I could mooch a few things from them . On Lindbergh there was a Domino 's - but I had done that before , so why would I want to do that again ? Across the street was a Pizza Hut and also a small chain place called E 's Pizza . At E 's , I asked for an application and got one . Okay , that 's a start . I was hopeful . I turned it in a few days later . I let it go a couple of days , then called , asking for the manager . He 's not in . Click . Fuck me . I 'll try again tomorrow . The next day was Friday , and I called E 's again . Can I talk to whomever is in charge ? I got an assistant manager on the phone . I explained that I had put in an application a few days ago , and was there any prospect - Maybe I shouldn 't have put all my hopes and expectations in one basket , because they just got crushed . I had my head in my hands , sitting on the couch . Baby Mitchell sat on the floor playing with something I probably shouldn 't have let him have . On the coffee table in front of me was the Yellow Pages , opened to the page with E 's Pizza on it , because I had to look up the number to call them . I looked at it , and saw the ad for Domino 's Pizza . I don 't want to go back there , I don 't . And would they take me back ? But … the process started to roll through my brain … the franchise I had worked for didn 't own ALL the Domino 's . That one in Florissant , for instance , was owned by another company . What could it hurt ? I got the number , but I wasn 't hopeful about the prospects . It was about 1 pm on a Friday , and I didn 't expect the manager to be working dayshift . Hesitantly , I made the call . I perked up . " Oh , great . I was wondering if you might be hiring . I was an MIT for A & M before , but I was looking to drive , or something like that . " I tightened up , expecting to get the big blow off . He said , " We had back to back 75 pie hours last night , and we expect to be even busier tonight . You could work inside for the weekend , and drive when your MVR comes back in a few days . Wanna do that ? " Of course , I had just been hired for a driving job . And we had one car . How am I - Never mind . I got a job . I 'll work out the details later . For now , I had to make some calls . The wife was excited , too , and happy that her shiftless , directionless , lazy husband had found a job . I was going to have to go pick her up , bring her and the baby home , and then head off to work . I needed to - Geez , I needed to take a shower . And shave - I looked like I was preparing for deer season . How do you do this with a baby ? Mitchell was happy - I was happy , and he responded to my enthusiasm with baby laughter and a big smile . I swooped him up and put him in his high chair that I brought into the bathroom , playing and talking with him as I did . I gave him some cereal to eat or play with , his choice , as I talked to him about my new job in an excited voice while I shaved and took a shower , and kept an eye on him . I thought I was pretty ingenious for figuring out how to do this . I got dressed , got him changed and cleaned up , and we were ready to go . I was out of work and young , and consequently not too worried about it . But I did have a car payment . I needed to do something . I guess . I didn 't have a clear indication of what , but I knew I needed money , because cash is the lube that greases the wheels that make the world go around . I was twenty - one , living with a forty year old manic depressive alcoholic . It was an interesting year . My very own " Year of Living Dangerously . " " What ? " I was busy driving , navigating the decaying parking lot . All I saw was people walking in empty - handed and other people walking out with beer . It was really little more than a glorified liquor store that also sold some groceries . But this was the clientele they served : Lower middle class stiffs that weren 't quite rednecks , living just north of the city in a quiet , out of the way satellite town . Right on the river - hence the name - and not a cut - through to anywhere , so it was a low traffic area and it had the isolated feel of a small town with all the crime of the big city … sort of the best of both worlds . Hmmm . That fact had completely eluded me before . Still , with the choice being between working and not working , I leaned slightly towards working . The next time we made a trip to the Dairy , I stopped in . Had I never before been in a pizza place before ? It 's very likely . I grew up in a rural area where these places didn 't exist , and once we moved to town , ordering for delivery meant I didn 't have to set foot in the place . I didn 't notice much , however , when I walked in . I was too nervous and excited , and not really sure what to do . The few jobs I 've had prior to this someone else got for me - like the warehouse job , where my dad worked as a truck driver . Obviously I walked in when they were busy , because I was clueless about these things . People were bustling about - making pizzas , answering phones , and other things I couldn 't describe . It seemed like chaos . " That 's fine . You need to have proof of insurance , and we run an MVR on your license . You can 't have more than three moving violations in the last three years . Okay , Guy ? " A few days later I brought it back , filled out as neatly as I could manage . There seemed to be a lull in the business this time , so the manager had time to talk to me . This was a different person than last time . I think his name was Dave . He seemed to be just on the peeved side of disinterested , but we talked for about three minutes and he said , " Okay , as soon as your MVR comes back good , I 'll give you a call and we 'll start you . Takes about three days . " The Riverview store , Store # 1591 , was a night - time only store , so it opened at 4 : 30 . I showed up a little after four , and the door was locked . One person inside - A different person . I think . He saw me and unlocked the door and stuck his head out . " Sorry , we don 't open till 4 : 30 . " His eyebrows went up slowly . " Really ? " He let me in . Just then someone else came up from the back of the store , and stayed in the background watching out of curiosity . " Do you know who hired you ? Who did you talk to ? " He went back in the office and looked , and my story was confirmed . It seems that this was the new manager , Tom . The old manager had been moved to another store . As I would discover is often the case , no one knew until Monday morning . I thought I was about to fall through the cracks . " Okay , no problem . Let me get you set up here , and when Joel gets here , I 'll have him train you . " I was in . I was on my way . That was October 1st . That was my first day . I had no idea what was going to be in store for me - for the next twenty years . Explain what , exactly ? Explain how I was smart but completely undisciplined , how I had turned into a pothead and had no motivation ? How I was wasting their money and embarrassing them in our small community ? I hadn 't been as lucky with some of the other classes . FORTRAN I passed with a D , so I don 't think that really counts as passing . Engineering physics had been as hard as Chinese Calculus . I flunked that , as well as Calculus , ironically . In addition to the instructor , there were a few other chicks in the class . And there was one very hot little blond chick . I sat casually behind her and to the left , so I could more easily check out the shape of her ass in those jeans . And so it was a complete shock to me about two weeks later when some girl that I had never seen before flagged me down in the cafeteria . She was cute , but at first she seemed somewhat plain , at least in comparison to the overly - made up chicks in the 80s . She had an easy smile and a wide grin , and her chin seemed to crinkle devilishly when she laughed . She didn 't wear make up , which is what gave me the impression of her plain look . To her , however , it was a statement of honesty and simple living . I would have expected her to have a flower in her should - length , wavy , reddish - brown hair … it reminded me of that Zeppelin song . Of course I wanted to have sex with her ; I 'm a guy . But she had a boyfriend . I never really saw him , except maybe once - she kept her many lives separate . I was her school - friend . Her boyfriend was in the campus - approved campus - adjacent housing for sophomores . We were really good friends , and fit well together . Meaning , she listened to me ramble on endlessly about random bullshit and seemed to be entertained . She was eccentric , and I guess she detected in me a kindred spirit . We did talk on the phone - oh , the long distance charges ! - and wrote to each other . By the time school had started back up , my family was living in St Louis . I kept in touch with my friends , and two of them were getting married . And let me tell that story . My roommate John knew a lot of people . Gail and Susan were roommates on the third floor of the same building in which Heather lived on the first floor . Susan had a boyfriend named Scott . They had broken up , and John had quit his girlfriend for a while . I don 't remember her name , but she was cute . John and Susan hooked up . They were together for quite a while , in college terms ( almost a semester ) . Towards the end of the spring semester , Scott was in an accident . Actually , an accident happened in front of him and he got caught in it . He and his friends were standing on the street corner because parties often fall out of the house and into the yard . A drunk driver came barreling down , hit a car , caromed off of it , and hit Scott , somehow dragging him between two cars . Since this was college , they were all able to still remain friends . Susan and Scott were going to get married . John wasn 't the best man or anything like that , but he was invited . It was in the fall , I think in October . I coming down about every weekend to hang out ( and also buy pot ) , and I would crash on someone 's couch . The weekend before the wedding was the bachelor / bachelorette party . We had turned into a large group of friends - mostly women . There was me and John and Mike , and now Scott , and half a dozen or more girls . The party ended up at a blues bar , and after I ended up driving … shit , what was her name ? Mary ? That sounds right . I drove Mary 's Mustang , because she was completely plastered , and she crashed in the back seat . Cindy rode in the front , with me . John , Gail , and Cindy had all gone in together to rent a house , so that 's where I headed . Cindy was pretty drunk , too . I was just a little drunk , but not out of it , which made me the designated driver . We placed Mary into Cindy 's bed , and Cindy came out and sat on the couch . I sat next to her . Drunkenly , she makes a move on me , and we started making out . Then she passed out . Several weeks later , I called ahead to make sure I could crash at Scott and Susan 's . I didn 't know ( and still don 't , to this day ) if Cindy had ever told anyone what we did , or almost did . Hell , I didn 't know if she even remembered . But I didn 't want to just invite myself over to their house . I remember some part of this conversation with Susan , where I told her that where I really wanted to stay was at Heather 's , but it didn 't look like that was going to happen . It was killing me to know what Cindy knew , and how she felt , and if there was an " us " - a future . I liked Cindy . She was a few years older than me and way more mature , and pretty , if not a bit chunky . And she thought I was interesting . John was her roommate , privileged to all information , and confidant to many . He would know , and could advise me . I could scope this situation out . Heather ! She was surprised , shocked , and happy to see me . She had broken up with her boyfriend a few weeks prior , and of course I had been right there to comfort her . Yeah . It comforted me . I listened to her as she talked and bitched and got it out of her system , I was her sounding board . Then I left . I knew that it was not a good time to profess my love , or lust . While we were talking , John came to us and said , " There 's a party at my house tonight . You guys should come . " So we did . It was your typical small off - campus rental house , and there were about 50 people there , all over the place . Several stereos going at once , including one in John 's room . Heather and I ended up sitting in there ; she on a stool , a little higher than me , and I was on a chair . John popped in once or twice , gave me a knowing smirk , and closed the door behind him as he left . It was loud in there , so I had to lean over to her to tell her anything . I did , and she would lean in too . I did this two or three times . Then , the last time , I leaned in , she leaned in expectantly , and I kissed her . She drew back slowly , and looked at me . She had the look on her face as though she were making a decision . She may have even had a hand on her chin , I don 't know . This was mid - November , 1984 . I was 19 . Three months away from being 20 . She stood up , took my hand , and led me to a different chair , a bigger one . She sat me down , then slowly she straddled me and sat on my lap , put her arms around me . We began to make out . We left the party , and we drove back to her dorm room . I was shaky and a little nervous , but mostly excited . We get to her dorm room , and she hangs a little flowered thing on the doorknob . The signal , I guess , for her roommate . Afterwards , as we lay in each others arms , I was aching to tell her something . I couldn 't keep it to myself any longer . I turned to her and , " Before this - before tonight - I was a virgin . " Don 't you just love this reaction from a woman ? She rolled her eyes and groaned , and turned over . And from there I proceeded to ruin it . At first it was wonderful , of course . That fresh romance thing , and young love . Although it was November in a college town , through my love - colored glasses it was April in Paris . It really was just lots and lots of sex , which I equated with lots and lots of love . Through the end of that semester and the following spring semester , I went down to see her every weekend . I liked her roommate - I forget her name - but she started to not like me . Of course . I made her dorm room a hostile environment for her . I had school and work Monday through Thursday . Friday - and sometimes Thursday - I would drive down . I crashed in their room Friday and Saturday night ( and sometimes Thursday night ) and drive home Sunday afternoon . I was * always * there . And we were either having sex , about to have sex , or just finished having sex . How is she supposed to live in her room ? Early on , we were in bed , under the cover . Just got done , maybe ? A knock on the door . She pauses , then comes in , averts her eyes and puts her hand up as a blinder . " Sorry - didn 't - mean - to - bug - you - I - just - have - to - grab - something - real - quick - and - then - I 'll - be - out - of - here . " She said it all as one word . Two of her friends were standing in the door . I guess they had heard about us and wanted to see . One of them said to us , " Did you two know you still have your socks on ? " I told Heather that I loved her once . Maybe a few times . For my birthday , she gave me a card where she had written down everything she felt . " Love " is not the right word , the right emotion , for what we have . It 's like , it 's infatuation , it 's lust . Not love . Every weekend I went down there to see her . Funny , if I had just gotten there before 5pm , I could have gone to the security office and gotten a visitor 's parking pass for free . But I never did . And so , every weekend , I got a parking ticket . Sixteen weeks , sixteen tickets . Of course , 13 of them were on the Maverick , which was technically in my dad 's name . But the last three were on my Chevette , which was in my name . The next year when I needed my transcript transferred , I had to pay them . All three of them , five bucks each . I went up to " see " her , but it was pretty transparent that I just wanted to have sex . She wanted to " take a break " from sex for the summer . I thought that was silly , and also thought that paradigm would change if I came up to see her . Right ? But actually it did not . Eventually she relented - was I forcing myself on her ? What the hell kind of relationship was this ? There were no words , but there were looks . At that time I was still socially retarded , but even I was able to pick up on the look of surprise and subtle distancing on Heather 's face , and the stern disapproval on her roommate 's . And I felt the warm flush come over my own . It was actually late at night when I showed up . I recall saying , " Don 't worry , I 'll just sleep on the floor , and leave in the morning . I lay down , used my little backpack for a pillow , faced the wall , and brooded myself to sleep . I think I began to piece some of it together that night , but it wasn 't until years later that it all finally clicked for me . I had no idea what love was , most likely . I was using her for sex . Of course , no one " gets used " without their permission - but she was seeing it get out of control . It was affecting her school work , probably , as well as obviously her other relationships ( like that of with her roommate ) , and my insensitivity was reflected in how we were treating her . And where was this going ? I was just clingy , and wanted sex . And in my moody , self - pitying introversion , I reasoned that if she didn 't want to have sex with me , she didn 't love me . And she had already said this wasn 't love . I didn 't think about what it was doing to her , or her reasons ; my only thought was how much she hurt me . Sometime later we had the awkward in - person conversation , the break - up . The closure . The whatever . She was passive - aggressively trying to get me to take a hint , and I was stubbornly looking past it for any kind of sign that there was still hope . Finally , I guess , I got it . " Okay . That 'd be great . Or good . That 'd be good . " She gave me a weak , thin smile as she let the door close on me . In keeping with the theme for the blog - and as I was reminded of because I 'm attempting to write a damn book - I wanted to write about the individual cars I 've had . Also , I heard on a radio show that one of their sponsors ( NAPA Auto Parts ) wanted people to call in with stories about their first car . Here is mine … I actually had three first cars , so it 's hard to remember which was the " first " first . My parents had lots of cars sitting around - none of them on blocks , oddly enough . My first three were the 70 GMC pickup , the 74 Ford Galaxy , and the 73 Ford Maverick . But the first one that was mine - mine , my dad got for me . It was the Maverick . It was two - tone : sky blue on top , and rust below the trim line . Dad bought it from an old man down the road that was a friend of his , old man Heberer . He wanted to give it to Dad for free , but dad gave him a hundred dollars for it , out of friendship . It was a three on the tree - a three speed manual with the shifter on the column , with a 250 straight - six engine . It had a vinyl interior , of course . It was a two - door with a bench seat , so the whole bench - back leaned forward to get in the backseat . It was my first car that was mine , so I wanted to customize it , and fix it up . The dream of the car was much more shiny and sparkly than the reality of the car . I bought bucket seats from some dude I knew at school . They were dirty and a little torn , but they were in better shape than the bench was . After that Dad found me a floor shifter kit . It was used , so it looked like someone handed me a piece of rusted metallic intestines . My friend 's dad put it in for me . Of course , it wasn 't made for that car , so it didn 't line up correctly . Instead , it did this : A three speed shift pattern is an H . With the shift kit , it translated differently on the floor . It was … distorted . It was a tall , skinny H . Reverse has the shifter knob all the way up to the dash , grazing the left knob on the AM / FM in - dash stereo . For first gear , simply drop the shifter straight back , and it traveled in a wide arc almost all the way to the floor , or the hump . It stopped near the driver 's side seat belt buckle . If it weren 't for the bucket seats , you couldn 't shift into first . Now for second . Pull it straight up , and somewhere in the middle of the path - near your knee - push it an inch to your right , and continuI had my first experience being stranded with a break down in that car . It was on a very hot day in July or August , back in 81 or 82 . I got on the highway and drove to the mall , 20 miles away . On the way back , I was only a few minutes out when the car mysteriously died on me . I say " Mysteriously " because I was 17 and didn 't know jack shit about cars . It had something to do with the engine , I know that . I pulled over , popped the hood , and looked at , wondering what the hell I was looking at and what the hell I was going to do . Lordy , it was hot . It was really hot . This was 1982 , so it was before Al Gore invented Global Warming , yet it was close to 100 degrees that day . I stood there waiting and hoping for a car to give me a ride . I wasn 't ready to walk , not yet . After about twenty minutes , a car pull over . I wish I could say that the person who pulled over was a hot chick and this was the beginning of a Penthouse Forum letter , but it wasn 't . It was a guy , a middle aged guy . Luckily , this wasn 't the start of some other kind of letter , either . The man was a project manager at Chrysler - from the Chrysler plant in the St Louis area , in Fenton . He was on his way to a family reunion in Kentucky , or something like that . And - what he was driving was the very First Chrysler Lazer off the assembly line . Back in 82 , this thing was modern . It was cool as hell , very sleek . He showed it off to me briefly before we got in . I wasn 't a prospective sale ; he just wanted to brag about his baby . This was one of the first talking cars : the origination off the ol ' " The door is ajar " thing . He gave me a ride to an exit of my choosing . In retrospect , I should have chosen a different exit . But since I was new to driving , I didn 't get the distortion of space - time between driving distance and walking distance . I was picked up near the 14 mile marker , heading west . I should have had him let me off at exit 41 , which would have put me a few hundred yards from the truck stop that my brother worked . Instead I did the very brilliantJUST LEE In 1988 , I got married . Many significant events surround that story , but I had an urge , a yearning , to tell my friend 's story . I hadn 't seen Lee in a while , but after I got engaged I looked him up . I wanted him to be my best man . He was thrilled , and honored , and humbled . Amazed , I guess , that I picked him . I think to him I seemed more popular , and had more friends , but I never really felt that way . Most of my time was spent alone or with him . He was my best friend growing up , him and his brother . But at different times , because one would be their his dad , who lived in my town , and one would be with their mom , who lived in southern Missouri . So I had alternating brothers . He was living in the town next to the one we grew up in , a bigger town , and I lived in St . Louis , an hour and a half away . When I went to go see him , he was living with some girl . He had already been in the Army and given a general discharge . Not honorable . Not dishonorable , either , because it has become unconstitutional to tell someone the truth , apparently . Pee dirty a few too many times , and you are out . Some girl - some woman . Some bizarre , controlling nut - freak creature with more emotional baggage than the small mobile home they were renting could hold . To be fair , maybe she knew what HE was like , and that 's why she was the way she was . I mean , he was my friend , but I 'm not going to make excuses for him . He very possibly might be a loser . Now , I did only meet her the one time , but that combined with what I picked up about her later gave me a pretty insightful look ( I thought ) into her character . She was a possessive , jealous , moody , vindictive , hard - to - please bitch . Since he was getting laid on a semi - regular basis he could overlook these few small foibles . I brought my fiancé with me to see him , ask him , and give the invitation . Since I did not know that he had a girlfriend , the invitation that I had carefully made out in advance obviously neglected to contain the name of Lee 's current true love . Linda , my fiancé , said , well of course you are invited , please do come ! I thought the matter was settled , but like Mexican food , it came back to haunt me with a vengeance at only the most critical time . When the time came to get suited for tuxedos , he came into town without her ( she was working ) and I sported him the money for the tuxedo . Mine was paid for with a certain size wedding party , after all , so it was no problem to cover him . I never actually had a bachelor party , which was okay , and Lee was not in the financial position to provide that type of support . Not that it would have taken much , but he was dead broke , not working , and living off the girlfriend . I had hoped he would have shown up the night before the wedding , which was the rehearsal and so forth , but such was not the case . The day of the wedding , and several thousand things going on , which was when I realized that having the wedding at noon was one of the top fifteen stupidest things I have ever done . Everyone and everything was pressed for time . Early in the morning , I called Lee . No answer . Being ever the optimist , I took it as a good sign . Obviously they were on their way . At the church , family and friends assembled . Eleven o ' clock . No Lee . My dad says , I need to consider alternatives . This , I mused in later years , is why there is such a large wedding party . Besides the bride and groom , there is best man , maid of honor , four groomsmen , four bridesmaids , ring bearer , flower girl , and maybe a few that I forgot . 11 : 15 . Just as my dad was about to insist again that I need to pick a stand - in , Lee shows up . Plenty of time ? No , we had to go get his tux . The church was by the interstate , and so was the tux place , so it was about a ten minute round trip . No sweat . We bolted . On the way , Lee told me what had happened . His girlfriend - and honest , I cannot re - member her name - got exceptionally pissy that she was not named specifically on the invitation . She took this as a personal affront to her dignity and her fine name and also , apparently , as the last straw . Lee didn 't care , I didn 't care , nobody , obviously , cared . She was hell - bent on the destruction of any and all of Lee 's life that did not rise and set on her and her over - priced piece of ass . Never mind that she was going to ruin a wedding . This was about her . She wasn 't going . " Will you take me and drop me off , then ? " Under normal circumstances , for a guy , a perfectly logical question . The next step is the last straw , when you are out of options . So to reach that point , you HAVE to explore all those options . Obviously , the wrong question to ask a woman scorned . He left hurriedly , and walked three miles to the truck stop , and his sad story eventually got him a ride to this exit , over forty miles . Then he walked to the church . He says , as he finishes his tale and we are walking into the tuxedo rental store , " It 's a real bitch not having a car . " That pretty much sums it up . We get the tux , get him dressed , and get back , and its 11 : 40 . No sweat . I worked in pizza delivery , with a 30 minute time limit over my head constantly . We had made it with time to spare . Meanwhile , it 's lucky there is no history of heat disease in my family , otherwise my dad would have had a coronary . Others thought I had left for good and was not coming back - and were very reluctant to explain this to my fiancé . In fact , she did not know all of this happened until about six months later . The music starts , Lee and I are getting last minute touch ups on the tuxes by my dad , who shakes his head in disbelieve that I put all my chips on this bet , and actually won . His parting advice before he takes his seat , " You used up all of your luck . Now you have nothing . " As Lee and I take our places in front , scarcely anyone noticed , because they were all looking behind them , at the main doors , for us . We slipped in through the side door . The reverend stopped sweating . " I certainly hope so . " Post script to the story : I had scarcely seen Lee after the wedding , either . He stayed at our house for a day , and then we took him home on the way out of town for a brief getaway that my wife refuses to call a honeymoon . I heard that he stole a bunch of tools and things from his dad , whom he had lived with , sold them , and went to southern Missouri to live with his mom . Really don 't know what happened after that . His younger sister got a degree and got married , she was always very bright . His older brother Charles was my friend also , he stayed in the army . He may even be retired now , I should look him up . Their dad is one of the absolute smartest people I know . I have no theories on how that affects child - rearing . |
This blog is dedicated to the stories I 've written over the years . Sometimes I get some time and add a story . Grab a hot cup of something and enjoy ! Please note that for some reason , blogger is NOT allowing me to post on any comments . So thank you for reading and know I do read all the comments but cannot reply . 9 The blizzard hit during the night without much warning . Thankfully everyone was home and safe that night and had plenty of wood and supplies . It raged for four days and nights . On the fifth day , the sun blinded everyone who managed to dig out of the snow drifts that reached higher than some of the roofs . Everyone went outside , even the baby for a few minutes to breath in the crisp cold air and bath in the sunlight . Trina made rounds to everyone 's house on a snowmobile and took small care packages of some of the wild herbal teas that she had made of Echinacea to help keep everyone 's immune systems up . The women all wanted to learn about herbs and wild edibles and Trina promised to lend books and take them out into the woods and show them all she had learned once the snows began to melt . " You sure were right about the snow , Trina . Won 't you stay for some dinner ? " asked Sally who had Serena on her hip . " That sounds wonderful ! I am getting hungry . Can I help with anything ? " " What ? How in the world have you managed to grow up without changing any baby ? " Sally was incredulous . Why hadn 't everyone changed a baby ? Burped a baby ? Fed a baby ? " Wow . That just amazes me . Well no time like the present to learn . After all , you might want to have some babies of your own someday . " Trina looked horrified . She had once dreamed of having her own family . But who would want a ' four - eyed fat girl ' ? " I doubt there is anyone left in the world that would want to marry me , let alone have kids with me . " " Why not ? You 're a beautiful young lady with many good child birthing years ahead of you . " " Me ? Beautiful ? Thank you for your kind words , but I know I 'm no beauty and accepted it a long time ago . " Trina tried to laugh it off , but the hurt and pain of years of taunting by classmates could still be seen in her eyes . Sally just looked at Trina and realized that the girl did not know how beautiful she truly was . She had an unique beauty , not a classical one ; but she was beautiful . ' hmmmm , ' thought Sally , ' this is something I 'm going to need to think on . She really has no clue . No matter , these things have a way of working out with a tiny bit of help . ' Then Sally smiled at Trina and began her lessons of the care of a very active 10 month old who loved to be naked ! Nobody else came that winter and Trina often wondered how Timothy was doing . There were many changes over the winter . Brad and Rob found some ph - something or another and stabilized all the gas and diesel in the town 's two gas stations . And solar panels were found and plans made to install them on the houses to provide some electric power to each home . The couples took turns watching kids as two couples at a time went out hunting during the winter and early spring . The fresh meat mostly consisted of rabbit and squirrel and they made sure they were many miles away from town to hunt . Two small deer herds were found in early spring but it was decided to not hunt them for as long as possible . The solar panels all found new homes with each family . Spring came slowly with warm teases through March and April and everyone was busy with their greenhouses . It was agreed that the guerrilla gardens had been a life send for the new residents of Nysa so as the women and kids tramped through the woods learning about all the wild edibles , they took plant starts with them and planted about two hundred different little gardens . Mike made the suggestion that they comb some of the valleys within a 50 mile radius and see if any cattle could be found after learning from Trina that there were at least five cattle ranches within a hundred miles of the town . Lucy and Rob volunteered to go and so did Mike . They set out in Trina 's truck with extra gas in the back and enough supplies for a month . The kids stayed with Bryce and Melanie since all the kids were being schooled and it made things easier . The schools had been raided for supplies and the kids were actually flourishing in the home schooling atmosphere . The adults had been able to incorporate learning with all aspects of life and it was much more hands on . There was still the reading , writing , arithmetic , history , and such ; but survival skills were a must - especially first aid . One day while helping to check one of the small gardens in the park , Brianna asked Trina what she was wearing around her waist . " It 's my fanny pack . I have the things I need in there in case I run into a situation that doesn 't allow me to get home . I call it my ' baby bob ' and I wear it whenever I leave the house . " Trina realized what a great idea that was . " You sure can ! I 'll tell you what , why don 't you and I make baby bobs for all the kids ? " The two of them spent the rest of the afternoon making baby bobs that were made specifically for each child . Trina was amazed at how well Brianna knew her siblings and cousins and the other kids . She knew all the favorite colors and was able to suggest some small extras according to what they liked to do . For example , Megan liked the color yellow and was fascinated by the stars so they found a really neat folding scope that fit into her baby bob . Alex liked trucks so Brianna added two small match box trucks to his baby bob . Each baby bob had a small pocket knife , first aid kit , small fishing kit that fit into an Altoids tin , another tin with snares in it , two bandanas , small package of Kleenex ( travel size ) , LED head lamp ( compliments of Wally world ) , a dozen tea bags ( some homemade ) , lighter , small fire starter , and that extra special something that was unique for each child . The adults then spent the next day teaching the kids the proper respect for the " tools " in their bags . Even Serena had her own little baby bob complete with an extra pacifier ! Lucy , Rob , and Mike were gone for almost two weeks and came back with three trucks that were pulling long horse trailers . " There are at least 50 more head of cattle out there . We were able to catch these because they are ready to drop calves in about two to three weeks . Just think , we are gonna have fresh milk ! " Lucy stated . " And look here " said Rob as he walked to the back of the last truck . In the back were ten cages of chickens ! " Fresh eggs too ! " There was a major celebration that night in the town square . Many prayers of thanks were said and even a few instruments were found and played . Mike played the guitar , Brenda played the saxophone , Michele and Michael drug a set of drums from the band room at the school , and Sally pulled out her fiddle . It wasn 't the best band in the world but it sure was the happiest , joyous , and most thankful band in the world ! " Only if you had been sent here . Can I ask your name and how you found us ? " " Sure , I 'm Amber and these rugrats are Kristopher ( 12 ) , Samuel ( 8 ) and the twins are Rebecca ( 16 ) and Robin ( 16 ) . We were traveling along that highway about a mile away and heard the music . We figured that anyone who obviously were as happy as the music sounded must be good people and so we decided to come and see for ourselves . " " No , we came from Trentwood , I was going to college there when the bombs went off . They were having a tour with some kids from the public schools and Rebecca and Robin were in the tour . We just happened to be together when all the sirens went off and we hid down in a room in the basement of the college that connected to the basement of the student union where they stored food supplies . We met up with Kris here outside of town on a farm , he and his parents had stayed in their basement but his parents were killed by the radiation . They had made him stay in the basement but they had gone out to check the animals too many times . And Sam here we found wandering around a deserted small town about half way between here and Trentwood . We don 't know what happened to his family or everyone else in town . We didn 't find any bodies at all there . And he doesn 't remember . He didn 't even talk the first three months he was with us . But you talk now , don 't ya my little man ? " Amber said as she tousled Sam 's hair . He just grinned real big . " Yep , we can 't shut him up now ! " They all grinned . " Are you kidding me ? Those four kids in there have greatly benefited from your care ! If even half of what you eluded to really happened , those kids were majorly traumatized and now they all seem very healthy mentally . " Amber burst into tears ! Trina was horrified that she had upset her and rushed around the table and gave her a warm hug . " Please don 't cry , I didn 't mean to make you cry . I was complementing you on how well you 've taken care of the kids ! " Amber sniffled and managed to gain control of herself again . " No , no , no ; I am just so relieved to have found good people . It seems that I 've had to be so strong for so long and had no one to help me . I 'm just so happy to have found you guys ! And I 'm such a sucker for happy things , I cry my eyes out ! " Since Mike and his grand - kids had a huge house , Amber and her kids ended up moving in with them and they all took care of the horses , cows , and chickens . Everyone took turns coming out and helping around " The Ranch " as it came to be called and all benefited from the fresh milk after the calves were born under the eyes of all the children who were astonished at how life was birthed . The ladies even began to make cheeses , although the first few batches were quite a mess ! Trina was ashamed of herself , even though there were now many adults now in town and they all shared in making decisions , she felt she was responsible for everyone . And she should have realized that a thorough inventory was needed . So for the next week the whole town was inventoried . There were some holes that needed filling . Wheat was going to have to be grown for flour and food for the cows and horses for the winter . They all prayed that they would be able to get a crop in and grown before winter ! Robin and Rebecca found a house that was full of junk food ! There were chips , cookies , boxes of Little Debbies , and every other kind of junk food imaginable . It became a secret with all the kids and no one told the adults . But Trina knew since she was the one who put it all there . There were a few nights that kids would have tummy aches and no one could figure out just why . But Trina had a suspicion and kept the secret along with handing out some tea to sooth upset stomachs . She decided she would handle it herself so that the kids wouldn 't get in trouble for something that she had done . What neither Trina nor the kids realized is that the adults knew something was weird because during all the scavenging there had been no ' goodies ' found and when combined with the sudden occurrences of belly aches they were able to figure it out and single trip following two of the kids trying to be sneaky led them right to the stash ! So one day when Trina and all the kids were at The Ranch helping out , the four remaining adults " cleaned house " because they knew that there was no dentist and no one needed any of that junk . They did kept some of the hard candies , chocolates , sugarless gum , and a few other goodies ; but they loaded all the rest up and stashed it all in a storage unit that had already been inventoried with a nice large lock ! They thought about burning them all but decided that everyone needed a treat ONCE in awhile and it being junk food , most of it would last for a long time . More trips were made to the out laying farms to look for seed for the wheat and feed for the cattle and horses . The adults made a game out of all the farm work for the kids and everyone pulled their fair share . Trina told them about a pretty good sized valley just on the north side of town that she had stumbled onto during one of her hikes through the woods . It turned out to be perfect for growing the wheat and other grains . It was easy to get to with the horses and the group spent a week planting the whole valley in grains as organized as possible . It was hard work even with the horses and the makeshift plows that they had put together . The adults would break the ground and the kids would plant the seeds that they had found of wheat , corn , oats , barley , and even some sorghum . By the first week of July the corn was thigh high and the town looked to be in fairly good shape ! All the families had really bonded and the kids were welcomed in every home . The adults wanted to make sure that the kids were always accounted for so they scrounged around and came up with some hand held radios and using the solar panels , kept them charged all the time . Then each night , no matter where a child was , that child was to call home and let their parents or guardian know exactly where they were . They also called in just before they left . The younger ones were not allowed to wander around by themselves and the older ones chaffed at being ' babysat ' . So it was decided that the older ones would be treated as adults , since they pulled an adult load , but they also had to help keep an eye on the younger ones . During the third week of July , Trina had Brianna , Hannah , Megan , and Serena with her about two miles west of town looking for a specific edible that she had seen there the previous year . They wanted a good supply of the herb and some seeds if they could find it . The herb was golden seal and worked great with Echinacea for winter colds . They had just found a good population and had started gathering seeds when the ground began to shake . All this time alone , Trina had become lax again , but she was NOT stupid ! She very carefully cased the town and slowly made her way to a great spot to view the bell . She counted 5 people , three younger women , most likely in their late 20 's or maybe even 30 's and an older couple who could be their parents . But Trina was not going to take any chances since there didn 't seem to be any way that the people got there nor did she see any supplies at all . Trina backed away and began to circle the town through the woods . Since she had been tramping all over the woods this past year or so looking for wild edibles , she knew her way around very well . She heard the bell ring four more times before she found the rest of the group . She found ten more people about a half mile from town and eight of them were children . There was another couple in their ' mid ' life that was watching the kids . That probably meant that there were at least three men somewhere either guarding or preparing an ambush . Trina thought hard . This could simply be them watching out for their families . She hadn 't seen any guns with any of the people that she had seen . She made a decision and walked up to the couple that was guarding the kids . It was five very surprised adults that the small group came up on . Introductions were made and Trina found she liked them all . " You know , it 's ok to call your men - folk in now . " Trina said . Trina never thought she would remember the names of her new neighbors ! But she was able to help them find homes close together and helped find enough supplies to get set up . She kept the keys to all the shops because it just made sense to her . Two of the women at the bell belonged to Brenda and Brad ; one was their daughter and one their daughter in law . Their daughter was Lucy and she was married to Rob and they had three kids ; Megan ( 11 ) , Brianna ( 7 ) , and Alexander ( Alex for short ) ( 6 ) . Their son was Bryce and he was married to Melanie and they had two kids , a boy and a girl ; Riley ( 12 ) and Hannah ( 11 ) . The other woman at the bell was the daughter of the couple that was also there and her name was Stephanie and she was married to Brock and they had the other three kids , all boys ; Mark ( 14 ) and the twins - Jake and Ryker ( 13 ) . The older couple , that was there at the bell and Stephanie 's parents . were Maude and Robert . Trina stayed in town for two weeks and got to know the large extended family pretty well . They all shared in setting each home up and gathering supplies . Each day Trina would work with one of the women and their ' little ' family . She finally told them where she lived and they told her how Timothy had found them barely surviving about one hundred miles south west of the small town . They had been hit hard by a gang and they had only barely escaped with their lives and what was in an old VW van they had managed to get away in . They had met Timothy at a rest area where they were camping trying to figure out just what they would do and where they would go . He was considered literally a God send ! And he had talked with them for four days before he had made the offer for them to come to Trina 's small town . During those four days , they had hunted and gathered wild edibles . But they could not gather enough for all of them to last much longer than five to seven days . The group didn 't take long to decide to try for Trina 's . It was really too late in the season to put in gardens but Trina took them around to many of her small guerrilla gardens and the men set up green houses in each back yard . They were all able to find enough of the wood burning stoves to replace the regular stoves in the homes and Trina asked if they could help her install one in her home . Trina also milked all the women for news of Timothy - how he was , did he look good , was he eating enough , where was he going next , etc … . . ? The answers of " he was fine , eating well and not sure where he was headed , but did send his regards " just didn 't satisfy Trina and yet she couldn 't figure out why . The bell rang twice more before the first snow of the year . The first time was a couple on bicycles with a very little baby girl named Serena with the mom and dad 's name being Sally and Art . The second ringing of the bell was by two siblings and their grandfather . Their names were Michael ( 16 ) and Michelle ( 14 ) and their granddad Mike and they rode up on three horses with six more on tethers and loaded with supplies . Everyone pitched in each time and made the newcomers welcome and helped them find a home and get it ready for winter . A small farm with a nice size barn between town and Trina 's house was found for Mike and his grand - kids . Everyone pitched in and used Trina 's truck and another truck that they were able to get running , to find hay and feed and haul it to the barn . Snowmobiles were also found once Trina told them how much snow she had last winter and warm coats , boots , and other clothing were gathered for each family . All the homes that were picked were the best insulated and chosen for long lasting . The group worked hard making sure that supplies were gathered and stored in good places since some of the shops didn 't look like they were going to make it through the winter . They also decided to go ahead and pick the houses that were the best to live in for anyone else that made their way to their town . And they held a meeting and decided to rename the town . It was now called Nysa , which means " A new beginning " because that is what they were trying to do - start a new beginning . The late spring and summer weeks went by with Trina feeling lonely for the first time since the " reboot " and she began to realize that she did want other people around . She had changed a lot these past months . She began to realize that the changes went much deeper than her losing the weight and becoming stronger physically but she was also changing inside . Her confidence had increased which came a shock but here she was putting the roof on her new outdoor kitchen and hadn 't she been able to make the structure very sound and strong ? And squared ? THAT was fun ! NOT ! But she had done it ! And she had done it all alone . Yeah , it took time and patience but she was cultivating patience whether she wanted to or not . And how about all the wood and food she had been able to gather ? Why she had turned the basement into an herbal room with all the wild edibles and herbs she had found or grown . It was almost perfect down there for her to hang the herbs and plants up so they could thoroughly dry . And she had a really good herbal first aid kit now . Even though she was hesitate at first to go to the liquor store to get the alcohol she needed for the tinctures and then she had to figure out just what type was best . She experimented with some different grain alcohols . As the weeks passed , she had made several trips to town in order to gather more supplies and clothes . Especially shoes since she knew that the buildings would not last forever nor would the goods in them and so she wanted to get all that she thought she would need before the elements destroyed the stores . There was music playing on a portable CD player that was up on the roof with her as she hammered in the last of the shingles . She used silicon chalk liberally to seal up any place that she thought might let rain in . Trina mentally went through all her lists to make sure that she was keeping on top of things : Her guerrilla gardens were doing great . There were signs of nibbling on about half of them so she took that as a good sign that the wildlife was coming back . There had been no sign of the last of those dogs from the pack that she and Timothy had tried to eliminate . Every seed in town had found a home in her basement and every garden checked for potatoes of which those found had been cut up and replanted in some of the guerrilla gardens and in one of her raised beds . Her garden beds were doing great except for the corn . She was thinking she would add some fish to it next year like the Native Americans use to do . She had plenty of seed . Her outdoor kitchen was almost done and she had found the perfect burners for canning . She was going to use those single burners that hook up to propane tanks that they use to use to fry turkeys ! Well that IS what the shelf tag said . SShe kept having the feeling that she was missing something important but just couldn 't figure out what it was . Then her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the bell . So far , he has found just small families here and there . But he was keeping a notebook in a code that only he knew , so that if it fell into the hands of someone bad , they wouldn 't know who was where . He was also hoping to set trade routes but so far , everyone was too far away from each other . He had been traveling over a week before he came to Trina 's town . He told Trina about the others he had found , all mostly good people simply trying to survive . Then he told her about the condition of the country . So far he had not seen anyone that was from the government nor heard anything about them . He had bypassed Washington DC since his little radiation detector had gone off when he was over 100 miles away ! He figured that it had been royally nuked ! As he went north , he followed the " radiation line " and it seemed that the whole east coast from 100 miles south of DC all the way up past New York City was going to be a hot zone for a long time to come . All of the large cities gave off radiation , so Timothy had stayed to back roads . He had a motorcycle that he was using to travel . Trina lifted an eyebrow at that when he mentioned it since she had not seen a motorcycle . The park was blooming out nicely this spring and Trina had planted wildflower , herb , and veggie seeds in different places throughout the park . She had plenty of seed and figured , " why not " . She knew she would not be able to pick it all or even eat it all but thought that it might bring some of the wildlife back . Trina stayed in town for the three days that Timothy stayed . During that time , they talked about many things including whether or not Trina was lonely living here all by herself . Timothy invited her to come along with him but she declined . He asked her if she would mind if people came there and lived . She thought on that for a moment and said " Well , it would depend . If they were people that were good and willing to work hard to survive and make this a prospering town again , I wouldn 't mind sharing it with them . But I don 't think I would like for a LOT of people to show up . Why ? What do you have in mind ? " " Come with me . " Trina said as she led the way out of the park and back towards the tallest building in town - the court house . She walked over to the small courtyard and showed Timothy the large black bell that was mounted in a small tower with a long rope dangling down from it . " You have to pull the cord rather hard since no one has greased it since before everything happened . But when the wind blows extra hard , I can hear it at my home . So if you do send anyone here , have them come here first and ring the bell every half hour until I show up . If I don 't show up within one day , then I won 't be coming because I 'll be dead or worse . " " When someone does show up , I 'll simply ask for the password and then if it is correct , give them the counter password . " " Sounds like a plan . Are you sure you don 't want to go ? " " No , this is my home and I 'm happy here . Besides someone has to be here to welcome all those you send . " Trina thought for a moment then added : " you won 't send like thousands here will you ? " " No , I don 't even think I will see a hundred people . And not many of those will even be willing to move here . Don 't worry , I will be very selective and make sure that only honest , hard working people come , ok ? " Trina hid her bike in the alley between two shops about a half of a block away from the store that the shots were still coming from ; and carefully made her way towards the sounds . She had her rifle up and ready for anything and her fanny pack had extra ammo in it . She carefully peeked around the corner and took in the sight of someone taking shots at the dog pack that had him or her trapped by the front doors . Trina had used chains and padlocks on all the doors to the shops so that the winter weather couldn 't open them and to keep critters out . It looked like the person had a pair of bolt cutters and had been in the process of cutting their way into the store when the dogs attacked . She could see five dead dogs but there seemed to be at least ten more . Quickly she came around the corner and started shooting the dogs . The person jerked and shot at Trina . " Hey , I 'm trying to help you " she shouted " and you just shot me ! I ought to let these mongrels fix you good ! " " I 'm sorry , you startled me and I thought you were another dog . Are you gonna be ok ? " the person tossed back . " Just shoot the darn dogs ! " Trina shouted back as she took out another dog . In ten minutes it was all over . A total of twelve dogs lay dead or almost dead and three had run off . The person ran over to her apologizing profusely and Trina realized that it was a guy just as she passed out cold . " Crap " Timothy said as he caught the girl that had just saved his hide and he had shot ! He managed to get her jacket off and found out that he had shot her in the left arm and it was a flesh wound , the bullet had badly scraped her arm just below the shoulder on the outside part of the arm . The cold , wet ground was not the place to clean and dress the wounds so began to look around for someplace to clean her up at or on . Just then she began to come around . Trina looked up into the deepest and sexiest blue eyes she had ever seen and she immediately thought she had died and gone to heaven . Timothy laughed and said " not yet you aren 't . You passed out . Is there someplace I can take you to get your wound cleaned up and bandaged ? " " We can go into the store there . I have the key in my fanny pack " she returned as she began to get to her feet . " Hey , you shouldn 't be getting up yet , it looks like you 've lost a lot of blood . " Timothy helped Trina to her feet and let her hold on to him while she finished swaying and got a grip on herself . Timothy still had one of his hands on her jacket and it was pressing against her wound to try to slow or even stop the bleeding . Trina used her free arm to dig out the keys and pick up her rifle . They slowly walked to the door of the store . Since each key was labeled , it only took a moment to open the doors and go inside . It wasn 't long before he was back with all kinds of things in the cart . Trina kept her eyes closed during the cleaning and bandaging and was very proud of herself for not fainting again . " My name is Timothy , by the way . And I truly am sorry for shooting you . I tried to pull the gun up once I realized that you were not another dog but just wasn 't quick enough . " " Well , I guess it could have been worse and I know I 'm glad you didn 't kill me . I 've been trying to work up the guts to take care of those dogs for awhile now . I simply was forced to take action today . Besides , I think I 'll live . " Timothy wasn 't sure just how she meant that last part so wasn 't sure if he should stay or move on . " Well , do you mind if I gather a few supplies before I move on ? I don 't want to be anywhere I am not wanted . " Trina began to laugh . " I didn 't mean that you are not welcome here . I just meant that I live here ; this is my town as in this is where I live . " " Why don 't we eat some dinner and you can tell me where you are coming from , where you are going , and if you 've seen any other people . Then in exchange for that news , if you want to move on ; I 'll make sure you have has much supplies as you can carry . How does that sound ? " She asked . " Dinner sounds good to me ! " He exclaimed . There was no way that Trina was going to take him to her house . After all , she didn 't know him and besides , he had shot her ! And since she had taken a couple Tylenol , she was feeling better . It looked like the bleeding had stopped and her arm was only slightly throbbing now . Together they scavenged around and found enough food for dinner . A couple cans of Dinty Moore beef stew and some canned brown bread with a can of fruit cocktail to top it all off . They drank a couple bottles of water to wash it all down . Heating up the stew wasn 't a problem since they simply set up one of the cheap grills that the store had and used some of the charcoal . They did this outside of course . After they finished eating and cleaned up , Trina suggested that they walk over to the small city park that was about two blocks away . She made sure the chains and lock were secure on the doors of the store before they began their way over to the park . The rest of the summer turned into fall and Trina kept scavenging around town . She also kept gathering wood for the fireplace for the winter . She wasn 't sure how much she would need so she just kept cutting and stacking it up in the garage . She had pushed her car out of the garage and off to the side of the driveway since she figured she wouldn 't be using it anytime soon . It seemed to be getting cooler quicker but she wasn 't sure of the date anymore . She decided to watch the sun and mark on the west wall that surrounded the property , where it set each evening , then when the days began to get longer she would know that the winter solstice had past and that would give her the date of around December 21 or 22 . At least she would be in the right month ! Gas for the truck had been no problem since she found a small hand siphon / pump that she used to gather diesel for it . At least she knew the difference between the two types of fuel but she did wonder how long gas lasted . She also moved many books from the library and the garden center for advice on gardening and simply for pleasure . She began telling time by where the sun was outside , unless it was overcast and raining . She remembered reading somewhere that the ancient Native Americans would use their hand width and that each hand width was equal to about 15 minutes . So for four hand widths each afternoon , she wrote her stories , the rest of the day was filled with chores and scavenging . She also kept track of the number of days from the time she came out of the basement . She figured she would be able to figure out just how long she had been in the basement . The snow came and it was heavy and deep . Trina was thankful that she had put the small greenhouse so close to her back porch since she was trying to grow just a few fresh veggies in . But it was clear that it was soon going to be too cold to keep growing anything since she had no way to keep it warm . She already had closed off most of the house and was sleeping in the living room . She left the water tricking full time in the bathroom and the kitchen because she was terrified of frozen pipes . She also began to worry about not having enough wood , even though she had only gone through a small amount . Finally the year 's shortest day came and she realized after a few calculations that she had been in the basement for almost three months and back out for five . That made it almost eight months since the bombing and she hadn 't seen one other human that was alive . Now she began to think that she maybe she should go out into the world and see if she could find other people out there . It was only logical that if she survived , that there would be others . But she had no clue which way to go and she did not want to run into any mean people . " Besides , I need to start my garden in the spring and the plants in the greenhouse before that . I simply won 't have time to go looking for others . And besides , I don 't mind being alone anyways . " The winter days passed pretty quick for Trina with her days filled with her reading up on how to do new things besides gardening like how to crochet , can the food she hoped to grow in her garden if she could find some way to do the actual canning , and even how to repair and keep up the truck that was now sitting in her driveway . It was a good thing that she liked to learn new things . Maybe if she could hook up a propane cooker for her canning … . Another trip to the garden center to look over the possibilities would be in order when spring comes around . Her notebooks were also filling up with wonderful stories that were of a wide variety of topics from fantasy to horror to humorous . She had begun a journal of the things she was learning and doing during what she began to call " after the reboot of the world " . She was seeing all kinds of animals both around her home and even in town . She began to worry about a pack of dogs that she saw through the gate that seemed to be roaming around the town . They looked hungry and mean . She counted 15 dogs in that pack . Once in the middle of the night , she was awaken by loud growling and she thought that the pack had found its way into her yard . Grabbing a flashlight and stuffing her feet into her slippers , she pulled on her coat and grabbed the poker by the fireplace . She slowly opened the front door and could just barely make out glowing eyes at the end of the driveway where the gate was closed . The whole pack of dogs was at her gate and clawing at it and scratching at the driveway like they were trying to dig their way under the gate . They were barking and growling and scared the crap out of her ! A quick movement in the yard had her jumping and swinging the flashlight around , thinking that one of the dogs had made it into the yard ; but it was a rabbit that they had chased that had found refuge in her yard . It was then that she decided she needed to get a gun . One she could shoot from far away , those dogs needed to be taken out . As soon as it was fairly nice out and most of the snow melted , she made another trip to town and picked up a few rifles and a handgun . She took everything she thought she would need including books from the library on how to shoot and load . She also noticed that the buildings were showing their neglect and she began to realize that the things in town might not last forever . That night , she began her lists . Lists of things that her home would need to be maintained , what things she would need for her gardens and greenhouse , the truck needs , clothes for herself especially since she was still losing weight and gaining muscle . She had made a trip for new clothes just before the major snows came but she would need other clothes in a smaller size sooner rather than later . Her lists included canning jars and lids and some kind of stove she could can on . One of the books she had taken from the garden center had an outdoor kitchen in it and she thought that would be a very good idea , she could build it behind the garage . It was only for a few minutes that she thought she could not do it ; but she had been building up her confidence over the past months and realized that if she was careful and took her time ; she could learn and do most anything . So the outdoor kitchen was going to have to be thoroughly planned out as a major summer project . There was just so much to think about ! Almost too much ! She needed to keep things simple , if that was even possible ! She sat down heavy on the couch and picked up one of the books she had brought from the library . It was " Stalking the wild Asparagus " by someone named Euell Gibbons . She briefly wondered if he was alive somewhere and out stalking his asparagus . She built up the fire in the fireplace and settled in front of it and began to read and really began to have her eyes open . Foraging for food , wild edibles , grown without human help , free … " But I don 't know what kinds of wild edibles grow around here ! " she was troubled , but not for long . It seems that another trip to the library was in order for books on native plants and how to identify them . She read late into the night and managed to grab a couple hours of sleep but was very excited about what she was learning from the book and could hardly wait to go out and explore the woods back behind her home and that surrounded the town . She had been practicing her shooting and even though her days seemed to be filled up with the chores in the greenhouse and around the house she began to go out into the woods each afternoon and try to identify the wild plants that were beginning to peek out of the melting snow . It wasn 't time to plant anything into the beds yet but in another couple weeks she was going to transplant the cole crops she had started in the greenhouse . It wasn 't long before she began to experiment with some fiddleheads and batter that she made up . Since it was so nice out , she decided to cook on the grill outside . She usually cooked in the fireplace since there was no gas to her stove anymore , she had made sure that the shut off valve was closed since she didn 't want any surprises … just in case . She wondered if she would be able to move one of those wood stoves to her home , they looked very heavy . Slowly over the late winter and early spring as the earth warmed , she added to her list of known plants as she learned how to ID them . " Why I have a huge banquet of edibles growing around here ! " she exclaimed with delight . Trina was still going to plant her garden and even had a few ideas about something she had read about called guerilla gardening . It was on a warm late spring day that she finally had all the plants planted that she had started in the greenhouse . Every bed was filled and she had even cleared the small patch of grass and weeds between the greenhouse and back porch for an herb garden . She was proud of that since it had taken a whole week to do with its little pathway wandering through it . She had found the design in one of her books from the library . There were also several guerrilla gardens here and there . There were still plenty of seeds left over so she stored them down in the basement in an air tight bucket . After two more weeks , Trina again came out of her home . She had heard no one on the small radio and she thought it might be a good idea to find more food before she ran out . It took only a day each to clean out the other two houses on the street , thankfully , there were no bodies there . Trina couldn 't figure out where they had gone since they were there the night before the bombing . And she felt guilty for breaking into the homes and taking the things but she really felt that she had no choice and vowed to herself that if the residents came back , she would make it up to them somehow . It took another month for her to dredge up the courage to venture into town . When she realized that her car was not going to start , she dug her old bicycle out of the storage shed and rigged the garden cart to it . Her back pack was on and had two bottles of water in it and some jerky that she had found in one of the houses . The town was very quiet and there were bodies here and there . None on the street but some in vehicles and in the buildings and while there was an odor ; it wasn 't as bad as she thought it would be . It looked like the people just didn 't even try to take shelter , not that there was any kind of community shelter or anything . Trina figured that the rest of the people must be in basements . Most of the shops were unlocked and she wasn 't just sure what she needed to take . At the garden center , she realized that she would need to grow a garden , something she had not done since she was a little girl and growing green pepper plants just for fun . " I will definitely need a bigger garden then that little tire garden I grew the pepper plants and snapdragons in " she thought . " And I 'll have to do it all by hand ! " She wandered through the center and decided that she was NOT going to be able to till up a garden and came up with the idea of several raised beds . There was a display of a few raised beds with dead flowers in them and a fountain that had long ago dried up that gave her the idea . If one can plant flowers - why not food plants ? Now she had to figure out how to get all the bricks she wanted to her house for the beds ! Today she just loaded up on all the seeds she could find . The bags of seed potatoes and berry bushes all looked dead . She thought about cutting open one of the potatoes to see if it was rotten or if there was any hope at all and realized that she didn 't have a knife . It didn 't take long to fix that , she just went over to a display of knives by the hand tools . " Hand tools ! Of course ! " she exclaimed out loud . " I 'm going to need so much stuff ! " The ax in the hand tools and thoughts of making a garden in the spring , reminded her that she had to get through winter first and that meant she would need wood for the fireplace and she had none right now . Suddenly overwhelmed she sat down and had a good cry ! After about ten minutes of heart wrenching tears , Trina finally pulled herself together with a big sigh . " Time to get on with living ! It 's do or die time ! " She stopped and thought for a moment " I guess that will be my motto : Do or die ! And I really do not want to die . " She thought hard about maybe trying to get a truck started and wondered if all the vehicles were like her car . " No time like the present to try one or two . " She thought . There were a few cars in the parking lot and being a small town where some people leave keys in their vehicle when they are only going to be a moment or two inside a business ; the one truck had its keys hanging in the ignition . It was a clutch type truck and Trina was very thankful that her dad made her learn how to drive on an old clutch truck that bit the dust shortly after she got her first drivers license . The truck didn 't start ; it just gave a little clicking noise . " Hmmmm , maybe the battery is simply dead . " Trina thought . Across the street was an Auto Zone and it didn 't take long for her to go over and get another battery and switch them out . The truck started sluggishly but it started ! And the tank read full ! " Finally ! Some good news ! Trina almost shouted . But she managed to control herself . It took her 10 trips back and forth with the truck to gather all that she thought she would need for raised beds and to start plants in a small greenhouse kit that she had found . She also took all the dura - logs that the center had . She took her time loading and unloading since some of the bags of dirt and manure were heavy . She had to totally open the kit and put it in the truck piece by piece . Which is also how she unloaded it in her back yard which was much easier than actually putting the thing together which took her almost a week of frustration and she almost gave up numerous times until she finally got it together the right way ! She was so glad that the water was still coming out of the faucet , even if it was slow , her nightly bath was so refreshing . One day she happened to catch a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror behind the bedroom door and was startled . It was a stranger who was looking back out at her . All the hard work and exercise from hauling wood from the woods and chopping it up was really beginning to show . She knew that she had taken to wearing sweats since they tied tight around her waist but she hadn 't really thought about what was happening to her body . She then did something she had not done in almost 10 years ; she dug the scale out of the bathroom closet and weighed herself . 134 pounds . She stepped off and on five times before she began to believe what the scale was saying . She had lost over 60 pounds ! And now that she thought about it , she really felt good physically . She wasn 't as tired as she usually was either . No harsh breathing anymore and she didn 't need to take as many breaks as she use to ! Wow ! It snuck up on her ! She pushed her glasses back up her nose and grinned widely . " I think I like it ! And I think it 's time to go shopping for some new clothes ! " The two months went by agonizingly slow . Trina spent the time mostly dreaming up new stories , sleeping , and she had thoroughly explored the root cellar finding 17 jars of canned goods that her mom had canned a year before she had died . There were four jars of green beans , five of pickles - bread and butter flavor , two of corn , three with tomatoes , and the last three had peaches in them . The seals were still intact so she ate them . Although she was careful to eat just a little of each first in case the food was bad ; but she didn 't get sick off of them . Each time she went out to get water she would spend about ten minutes exploring the basement as the bucket filled with water . It took a long time since there was no pressure , but she remember how her dad said something once about the actual well was up hill from the house and that this part of the well was something or another … . she couldn 't remember exactly what he said let alone when he meant . She had found more batteries for the flashlights and even a small AM radio that still had good batteries in it . The drawer she found it in had more batteries for that also . So she spent time listening for any sounds on the radio . She didn 't hear any stations but figured it was because she was below ground . She tried real hard to keep track of the days but she found she was sleeping more and more and sometimes the clock would wind down and she was never sure just how long it had been since it stopped . So she would simply just wind it back up and go from the stopped time . She found herself talking more and more out loud to herself and was alternately grateful and upset that she had no dog or anyone for company . She even began to do some simple exercises each day , mostly sit ups and stretches just to pass the time . She felt like she was slowly going crazy is because of the constant dark and silence . Then one day , she realized that she was getting use to them and that worried her even more . When her calendar was marked with two months , she ventured up the stairs to the kitchen . She had been out of food for almost three days and had been drinking a lot of water to feel full . She was weak and could tell she had lost quite a bit of weight but it wasn 't as bad as she had feared . The tape came off the door easily and Trina came back into a dark house . It was night which was weird to her since she thought it was 9 AM . " Well , I did miss winding the clock a few times so that must be it " she thought . " Let 's see if there is any activity going on in town " and she headed to the front door . Everything looked fine in the house . It was all still locked up tight . Opening the front slightly , she peeked out of the crack and sniffed . " Everything smells ok , not that I know what radiation smells like " . She opened the door just enough to slip out on the porch in the shadows . Looking around , most everything seemed normal except for lack of lights . Trina didn 't hear any sounds except the breeze that was moving through the trees . The moon was full and bright and hurt her eyes . The warm air seemed a bit too warm for June . ( It actually was not June but mid July , Trina had stayed in the root cellar for almost 3 months ) Trina decided to go back in and sleep in her bed . She tried the shower in the bathroom first but the water just came out slowly . She put the plug in the drain and let the water run . It would be a cool bath but it would be a bath ! She took her bath by the moon light coming in the windows and then fell into a deep sleep in her bed . The next morning the sunlight woke Trina up and she stretched while still in bed . Pain shot through her stomach and reminded her that she was hungry . Her eyes still had trouble with the bright light so she fumbled in her drawers in her night stand and came up with some clip on shades for her glasses . " Well , I guess I 'm going to have to go out and see if I can find any food . And people ! " Twenty minutes later , Trina was locking up her front door from the outside and setting out into the neighborhood . She had her comfy sneakers on and an empty back pack on her back . She was already warm in her now fairly loose jeans and a T shirt that was now also loose on her but she thought that they would provide some protection . She had been able to keep her jeans on with an old belt . It was to the neighbor 's houses that she went to first . Banging on the front door , she hollered loudly " Mr . Granville ? Mrs . Granville ? Anyone here ? " She then tried the door handle but it was locked . All the doors were locked and no one answered her calls . The second house was also locked up tight and no one answered her calls . Then she got to the last house on the road . Here she found the back door unlocked and she tentatively went inside as she called for the owner . " Miss Rose , are you home ? It 's me , Trina . Hello ? " She called as she made her way into the kitchen . There was no answer . Trina made her way through the house and found Miss Rose dead in the hallway as if she simply fell on her way to her bedroom . She had been dead for a long time . Trina was glad she had an empty stomach . She wondered if the pacemaker that Miss Rose had malfunctioned . Miss Rose had lived alone and Trina felt bad about raiding her cupboards but not so bad that she didn 't take all she could fit in her back pack . She didn 't open the refrigerator but did look through all the cupboards in the kitchen and set all the food on the counters . And she cried through the whole thing . It ended up being about a dozen trips and after the second one ; Trina found the garden cart in the shed in her backyard and used that to move things to her home . She emptied Miss Rose 's house of all the food , paper products , and anything else she thought she might need . It was when she saw Miss Rose that the gravity of the situation hit her . No electric for over two months and no one had come and found Miss Rose . These two things really made Trina stop and think that she might now be entirely on her own . She began to realize that the government would have already sent help , if there had been any help to send . When she made the last trip , she locked up Miss Roses house and went home feeling really sad . Her first thought was to turn to junk food but there was no junk food to be had , so she ate a jar of peaches that she had taken from Miss Roses home . She was only able to eat about ¼ of it since her stomach had shrunk so much . At least she was no longer hungry . " Well , crap ! That 's all I need , stupid power to go out after all that I 've been through today ! " She didn 't stop eating the ice cream , just carried it with her as she grudgedly began to search the drawers and cupboards for a candle or flashlight . She found two flashlights , neither of which had any working batteries . She did find one lighter that was almost empty and a half a book of matches . Finally , between mouth watering bites of the rich and thick frozen treat ; she located a small box of tea light candles that had three left in it . She lit one and placed it on the kitchen table then sat down and finished off the ice cream . An hour later , the power still wasn 't on and Trina wandered around the house , now stuffing double stuffed Oreos in her mouth since the ice cream was gone . She even went out to her back porch and looked over the town . No lights were on anywhere . She paused mid - crunch " What the heck ? It 's so quiet out here " . She went back through her small but tidy house to the front porch . " There will be people driving around town ; they always do that when the power goes out at night . " She sighed loudly and grabbed the half gallon of chocolate milk off the kitchen counter as she walked through the kitchen on her way to the front porch . Once outside again , she didn 't see any cars or vehicles on the roads . Not one headlight . She did see two of her three neighbors sitting out on their front porches , so she sunk down on the old rocker that had belonged to her great grandma still munching on Oreos and sipping chocolate milk . No one ever came out of Miss Rose 's house . She must have sat for a good half hour when she began to doze off and still hadn 't seen anyone drive by or even walking . Her neighbors had gone back in shortly after she came out without even a wave her way . Sighing again loudly she went back into her house and locked up behind her . Her house was small but very well built . It had thick stone and solid oak walls that made heating and cooling relatively cheap for the area . The walls of all the rooms had cedar paneling that made Trina think of the 60 's or 70 's … or sometime before she had been born . The eight foot fence that surrounded the house was a thick stone wall topped off with three feet of wrought iron work with some wicked looking spikes topping it all off . The fence was built by her granddad about two months after the riots in the late sixties . The combination of the high porch and iron work allowed her to look out over the neighborhood from the porch . She loved her home . It was on the very edge of town and on a bluff that looked out over the town and the surrounding valley . She was the last one left in her family . Both her parents were dead , killed in a car crash just four years ago while she was in college . She always regretted never having a brother or sister but her mom had explained to her that after Trina 's birth there were complications and an emergency hysterectomy had been done due to excessive bleeding . Later it was found out that the doctor was to blame and under the influence of illegal drugs at the time . It was only due to the nurses close attention and intervention that both Trina and her mom even survived . And because smaller towns were what they were , no lawyer would take the case and Trina 's parents simply thanked God that they had survived with their lives and got on with them . This house had been in her family for four generations , built by her great - grandparents long ago ; she wasn 't sure of the year right now but she had an attic full of treasured memories and the house was filled with heirlooms that while might not bring a lot of money , did hold a lot of family memories . Trina herself was about 5 foot 7 and over weight by a good 50 pounds and while she wasn 't really happy with her form , she simply felt that she didn 't have time to go to the gym five days a week . Food was her weakness and she didn 't think she had the will power to give up eating those things she really liked . She liked to believe it was genetic since her mom and dad both had been heavy . " Healthy " was how her mom used to describe them . She had long dark hair that she kept pulled up with a clip and wore glasses that hid her deep green eyes . She was actually pretty but didn 't feel the need to get all " gussied up " like some of the girls she saw . She didn 't think she was very pretty so did not see the need to try to pretend she was . Instead she worked hard and spent time with her hobby . She loved to write and had literally hundreds of notebooks filled with all kinds of stories . She was able to forget about her worries for awhile when she wrote . Besides eating comforted her and it was about the only thing that did . And she always managed to sound reasonable about food , like today for example . She was feeling really lousy because after 3 years of hard work and loyalty , she got fired ! And for no reason at all ! And she didn 't have much recourse because she lived in a " right to work " state and any employer could fire any employee and not have a reason to ! So she needed some comforting . Lord knows she didn 't have a boyfriend or husband to comfort her . All her boss would say is that he was giving her an extra hundred bucks and for her to spend it wisely . " UGH ! " Finally after almost an hour of sheer boredom by simply wandering through the house from basement to attic , she put all the junk food she had been eating away and curled up on the sofa to fall into restless sleep . The night was long and filled with nightmares . Her bad day seemed to trigger the monsters from her past . She had not had them since her parents were killed and they came with just as much horror as they did when she first began to have them at the age of 12 . She woke all blurried eyed and said out loud to herself " Darn nightmares are bad , but not as bad as the real thing ! " Morning light came through the curtains in a watery vagueness and Trina stumbled into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee . It was only when she tried to turn on the coffee maker that she realized that the power was still out . " Well , crap ! What the heck is going on ; power hasn 't been out this long since before I can remember " she mumbled to herself as she flipped the kitchen light switch up and down then opened and closed the refrigerator . She noticed that things were starting to get warm and looking in the freezer , saw that the few packages of meat and veggies were beginning to defrost . She quickly closed the fridge again and turned around in bewilderment . She went out to the front yard to look around and see if any of her neighbors had any information about when the power would be back on . The first thing she noticed was the smoke coming from downtown . It looked like there were at least a dozen fires going . And the smoky haze had a strange tint to it . She looked at the three houses that shared her street and didn 't see anyone at her neighbor 's homes . She turned around to head back into the house when there was a bright flash that out shone the weak morning sunshine . Trina jerked and fell into the door post . " What the heck ? " she said as she began to turn back around carefully . " That light felt like it went right through me … . . Oh MY GOD ! " she began to yell out loud . Whipping around she searched the Horizon and finally THERE - the top of a huge cloud could just be seen far to the south . " We 've been nuked ! No Way ! Oh my God - oh my God - oh my God ! ! ! They 've hit the air force base . Oh my God … . think Trina ! Think ! That 's got to be about 45 or so miles away … . Crap , what do I do ? I 've never ever thought I would be in a situation like this . " She ran back into the house and began trying very hard to not panic . She didn 't succeed very well . Finally since she was beginning to lose her mind , she forced herself to simply stop and think . " Ok , think Trina . Somewhere I read that a nuclear bomb would have radiation for many miles . So I need to find a safe place to stay until the fallout is gone . Ok … . . basement ? Well , that will have to do since I don 't know anyone with a fallout shelter . Basement has no windows and I can go into the part that Gramma used to call the root cellar … it 's a bit deeper into the ground and I can close all the doors . " " I 'll probably need to be down there for at least a few months . So I need food and water … . . the well is down there and the laundry room so I should have water covered … Ok … let me drag all the food down there … . " Trina spent the next 15 minutes taking all the food from the kitchen downstairs to the root cellar . That was after she spent 30 minutes looking for something that would light the way . She finally found an old Coleman lantern in the garage that her dad had . She also found four of the small bottles of fuel that it used . She snagged the small hibachi grill that was by the lantern . She didn 't hesitate to take the cooler to put the food from the fridge in . She then drug the mattress off the bed that was in her childhood bedroom because it was the only twin mattress in the house . She hadn 't slept on it since her parents died . She had moved into their room to feel closer to them . She then gathered up blankets and pillows . She figured she would need something to eat on , so she gathered up some dishes and dish soap from the kitchen . " I have no clue if I 'm being radiated right now … . Oh God ! Why can 't I go faster ? " It felt like it was taking her forever to get things together . She was breathing very hard and her heart was pounding . The sweat was beginning to drip off her face and her shirt was wet with it . She was suffering from the exertion and the anxiety . Someone must have been looking out for her since no fallout was by her home yet . The wind was blowing in a southerly direction but there had been another nuclear bomb that hit about 120 miles north of her so fallout was on the way and she had only about another 20 minutes before it hit her home . Back in the garage that was right off the kitchen through the small coat and mud room , Trina went to the two totes that her dad had always taken with him when he went deer hunting . Pulling one off the shelf , she set it on the floor and opened it up . Inside was what looked like a sleeping bag and pad and some kind of coffee kettle and what Trina thought must be what her dad used to call a " mess kit " . But there were also matches and two flashlights . She dug through the top things and found some batteries . She flicked one of the flashlights on , no light shone . She changed out the batteries , crossed her fingers mentally , and tried again : light shone . She closed the tote but kept the flashlight out and carried it to the basement steps and went back for the other one . Fearing she was almost out of time but not wanting to drag useless junk downstairs , she quickly peeked into the second tote . It looked like more fuel and some box thing . " Could that be a camping stove ? " she thought . She immediately decided she would take it downstairs . Back to the stair well she went with it . Before she went down for the last time , she again walked around the house making sure all the windows and doors were locked up tight . Then she drug first one and then the other tote down into the place she planned on staying for a while , closing the basement door behind her . She wanted so bad to take some books or at lOnce she was in the basement , she took her time and began to organize her supplies in the root cellar . She decided she would eat the things from the fridge today and tomorrow . Before she closed herself into the root cellar , she decided to look around the basement for anything she might need . She found a couple empty five gallon buckets and a box of black trash bags , " I guess I can use these for a toilet " she thought . And she found a roll of duct tape . " Wasn 't there something about taping up doors or something the government was saying a couple years ago ? " She took the tape and went back up the stairs and taped all around the door . Once inside the root cellar , she organized all her supplies . She had the other five gallon bucket full of fresh water from the sink by the washer and had decided to only go out in the basement to refill it . Thankfully she had grabbed the calendar off the kitchen wall and in one of her dad 's totes was an old fashion wind up clock . She decided she would keep track of the days using these . In the bottom of the second tote were five boxes of food that looked like compact meals . All together she figured she had enough food to last her the two months if she only ate one small meal a day . " Well , I always talk about going on a diet , guess this time I can 't cheat ! I 'll either have to do it or die ! " Please leave comments and let me know what you think ! It helps me grow as a writer ! If you don 't want to leave a comment , why not simply click on a ' reaction ' below each chapter ? : ) thanks ! on one of my blogs I will be simply talking about things that catch my eye . This will be a wide variety of topics . on another blog , I will be posting stories that I 've written and links to stories I 've read and enjoyed . And on my other blog , I 'll be talking all about plants . |
I find myself extremely disturbed this morning . This article that I write is an article about something that I despise , and it 's not the usual story I write about my cute little Cavachon Ubi . I wish it was that kind of story . I could make you laugh , cry , or at least smile and go " Awwwwww … " , as you look at the pictures of his cute little face . Sorry , not today folks . This article is about " Pa Pa Pa Politics . " There , I said it . I hate writing about this because to me , these days , politics is about a bunch of mud slinging . Instead of candidates having character , being likable , and having a good plan for the country if they are elected , this upcoming election is about who 's campaign has done a better job of hiring people to write negative ads about the other candidate , and write them with such bias , and misrepresentation of facts that they make the other candidate look downright evil . Case in point . I recently watched an ad about a court case in 1975 , where Hilary Clinton defended a 41 year old man who was accused of First Degree Rape of a 12 year old girl . So what is the controversy ? Well , the ad states that Mrs . Clinton lied , suppressed evidence , laughed about the case when being interviewed about it , got the defendant off on 2 months time served , accused the 12 year old girl of wanting to be with an older man , and fantasizing about being raped , and so on … I decided to check the facts . The links below are examples of the articles I read . These articles do confirm some of the facts , but they also put them into perspective . In fact , these articles go so far as to include additional damning , that if not checked , would further harm Mrs . Clinton 's character . There are other articles out there which I also read . Many of the articles were clearly biased . I tried to pick the ones that were simply checking facts . I encourage you to please read the articles I have included here , but also to read any other articles you find about this court case , and the actions of Hilary Clinton and everyone involved in the court case , Please , do not just go by what this one flawed human is saying . If you do , that is just as bad as watching the ad I saw , not checking the facts , and taking it at face value . In fact , this is the whole point of this article that I am writing today . Just a side note . One of the articles I have included is from Snopes . I recently heard a rumor that the CEO of Snopes was arrested on charges of fraud and corruption . Come to find out that this was originally published by a website called " The People 's Cube " . " The People 's Cube " is a website that publishes political humor and satire . Hmm … What I 'm not going to do is summarize these articles for you . I am not a journalist , and I won 't try to convince you that I have enough experience to be presenting this story from every angle . Sorry people . You will have to form your own opinion , based on the evidence . I am only trying to convince you to look at the evidence . Another item that I must speak of , is that this article is not a defense of Hilary Clinton . It is an encouragement to look beyond these garbage , mud slinging ads , that have no relevance to the election before us . I can 't make anyone do anything , but I 'm fired up enough about this that I felt I needed to write it down . Also , I am non - partisan . I am not a registered Republican or Democrat . To decide who to vote for , I look at the candidates , their plans , vs . their promises , their solutions rather than their complaints , and I look at what they have done politically in the past . In the case of Trump , these will have to be extended to his business experience , because he has no political experience . That does not mean he will make a bad president . I watched the debate last night . Without making judgments , I feel it was clear who was better prepared . Not for the presidency , but for the debate . Will this be the same in the next two debates ? Who knows . But I would rather be making my decision of voting choice based on who I think will be able to carry the weight of this enormous responsibility . The debates help with that , but they are not everything . Again , I encourage you to make your choice of who to vote for , not because of sensationalist ads , but because you have done your research , and you truly believe that your candidate will do a better job in office . When you see these negative ads , before you make a judgement , I encourage you to check the facts . Scrutinize them ! You are making a very important decision based on what you believe to be true , so shouldn 't it be important to you to be absolutely sure that it is true ? Or , you could do no research and go with your gut feeling . Sometimes it 's enough just to have faith . Right ? Faith in God ? Perhaps , if you believe in God . I 'll tell you what though . Presidential candidates are not God . Especially these two . In fact , I sometimes say " Oh My God ! What has this world come to ? " , while wondering if these are really the best two 3people out of 300 , 000 , 000 that we could come up with to be President of the United States . It 's a competition of who we dislike less ! So that 's my rant for the moment . The articles are here to read if you wish . I wish I could figure out how to get the video I watched out of Facebook and onto my blog , but I struggled with that for about an hour and gave up . I will ask the original poster if he would be willing to send me the video , or tell me where it is , and if successful I 'll post it at a later time , or as an amendment to this article . By now , if you have read my earlier postings , you have met Ubi , and you know that he is a Cavachon . You also know that a Cavachon is the lucky offspring of Cavalier King Charles Spaniel , and a Bichon Frise . I say lucky because , well , just look at him . Look into his eyes . My neighbor gets credit for this picture . She dropped her keys and he started to eat them , but she got him to look up at her long enough to capture one of the best photos of him to date . Every time I look at it , and look at those eyes , tears come to mine . I am so blessed to have this guy in my life . He is teaching me so much about patience , tolerance and understanding . So far he has gone through several USB chargers for my phone , and two power supplies for my Microsoft Surface Pro 4 at $ 80 a piece . He has destroyed several of his toys in an explosion of fluff . He has peed and pooped all over the area rug and hardwood floor in my living room , but that 's ok . I purchased the rug just for him . It 's made of polypropylene . And yes , I can 't find half of my socks . I 'm sure they will turn up somewhere one I find his hiding place . I tried letting him sleep in bed with me , and at first that worked out just fine . But then he decided it was more fun to kiss me than go to sleep . I don 't mind him kissing me , but not when I 'm trying to fall asleep . So now I 'm putting him in his crate by my bed until he is a little older and learns that when the lights go out it 's time for bed . As you know , Ubi broke his leg . He healed spectacularly . To watch him run is a wonderful sight . He is so fast . We are in puppy class right now , and he is the smallest puppy in the room by far , but he doesn 't care . During play time he plays with the bigger boys and girls and loves it when he can get them to chase him . So what is it that I didn 't know until last night ? Well another neighbor was over with her dog , and Ubi was playing with her and the other dog , and me . Ubi is so friendly to everyone . He loves it when people visit . He runs up to them with so much enthusiasm . He is just so irresistible . I 'm very happy about this . I want a dog that people don 't have to be afraid of when the come in to my home . I really hope he stays this way . But there 's also a part of me that wants him to be attached to me more so than others . I want him to know that I am his caretaker , and that I am , well , his Daddy . But I figured , if he is friendly with everyone , I guess that 's good enough . At least I don 't have to worry about him biting anyone . But last night something happened and I knew . While we were playing , with my neighbor there , and the other dog there , and new bully sticks that the dogs were chewing on , I had to go upstairs to make sure the doors were closed , so the dogs didn 't get into anything up there . So I go upstairs , and I 'm closing the doors , and I turn around , and there was Ubi . No bully stick , neighbor and other dog downstairs , but there he was , looking up at me , seemingly with relief that I didn 't leave the house through some hidden exit in my bedroom . What did I know ? I think you know what I knew . It was 4 : 00 am this past Wednesday night . Just like the past 3 nights , Ubi was sleeping with me on the couch . I felt this was safe because my couch is so low to the ground . The highest point is no more than 2 feet above the ground . Unlike the past 3 nights , at 4 : 00 am I woke up to a thud , and then loud screeching . " Oh no ! Ubi ! " , I cried out loud . I got up and turned on the light and picked him up . He was shaking violently and yelping . I comforted him as best I could , stroking him , as he looked up at me with those all too expressive eyes . I knew he was in severe pain . Eventually he stopped shaking and squealing though , and I put him on the ground to see if he was limping . He wasn 't putting any weight on his right rear leg . He limped over to his crate , stepped inside , and lied down and went to sleep . I closed the door to his crate , and decided to wait until morning to take him to the vet since he wasn 't complaining anymore and he was resting . The next morning I called the vet at 7 : 00 am , right when they opened , and they got me an appointment at 9 : 00 am . An x - ray showed a broken tibia in his right rear leg . I felt so bad . I felt like I used very poor judgement and I could never forgive myself . The picture above was from when I picked him up from the vet a little bit later . You can tell he 's frowning . My frown is fake , but inside it wasn 't . I told the vet tech that I just felt horrible . She reminded me that I 've never had a puppy before , and sometimes lessons have to be learned the hard way . She said that she had no hesitation sending him home with me because she and everyone else there knew that I would do right by him . It turns out that Ubi doesn 't need his cone collar because he can get to the bandage anyway . A friend at work had a good idea , which was to spray Bitter Apple on it . Today I am having to slow Ubi down because he doesn 't appear to be in any pain , and he 's flying around my condo like nothing happened . He has definitely learned how to use his peg leg , and it doesn 't deter him from playing . It pains me to stop him and slow him down because I know he has a ton of energy and he just wants to play , but the more he puts weight on the peg leg , the longer it will take to heal . So I 've learned a big lesson , and as I finish this up with Ubi at my feet barking at me to play with him , all I can think about is that this could have been much worse . Everyone tells me that he will heal quickly because he is a puppy . I 'm looking forward to the day when he gets the bandage off and is released from bondage . In the meantime , I will consider this to be a character building exercise . Not for Ubi , but for me . After my 52 lb mutt passed on Dec 09 , 2015 , I was very sad for several weeks . Being single with no children , I found myself to be very lonely , with nothing to come home to . I 've always had this strong desire to take care of something , and when Jamaica died , a part of me died inside as well . I knew I 'd be getting another dog , but I thought I 'd wait for a little while . Taking care of Jamaica toward the end became expensive because of all of the medications she was on , and because of the many trips to the vet . Plus , I was still getting out of bed , looking down to make sure I didn 't step on her as she would always sleep on blankets right next to my bed , every night . So I thought I would save a little money , and although I missed her terribly , I figured I 'd take advantage of the new freedom I had . I no longer had to worry about how late I stayed at work . I no longer had to worry about taking her for walks , even in the coldest or wettest weather . I no longer had to worry about whether or not the dog walker was doing his job and taking her for the full , 20 minute walks she was supposed to be getting every day while I was at work . But the result of all of this is that I wasn 't doing much of anything . I would come home from work , sit in front of the TV for a few hours , and fall asleep on the couch watching TV . I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression , but I was bound and determined not to get another dog until the Spring . Needless to say , if you have looked at my pictures above , this is not the way things worked out . For a long time before Jamaica died , I had been researching what type of dog I 'd want next . Don 't get me wrong . Jamaica was a wonderful dog , but I took a big chance with her . I got her from a no kill shelter and just assumed that love could conquer all . For the most part , it did . Jamaica was a loyal , loving pet . But there were some traits about her that I knew I 'd want to be different in any other dog that I chose to raise as a pet . Instead of speaking negatively about Jamaica though , I 'd rather just state what I was looking for , and which I could only get by getting a dog which was bred to have these traits . I wanted a dog that didn 't shed . I wanted a dog that was hypo - allergenic . I wanted a smaller dog for which exercising in my condo , plus a couple of good walks a day would be enough . I wanted a dog that would be friendly with other animals and friendly with people , especially people that were guests in my home . I wanted a dog that was smart , easily trainable , and obedient . After doing some research , and asking around , I came up with the Cavachon . A Cavachon if you didn 't already know is a cross between a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and a Bichon Frise . A true Cavachon is first generation only , and thus they are rare . So once I decided on this breed , it was a challenge to find a reputable breeder . After checking a few out , Lynne Kaiser of " Smooch My Pups " was highly recommended to me . The problem was , she is up in Michigan , and I live in Northern Virginia . This turned out not to be a problem . Lynne sells Cavachons to remote buyers all the time . She sent me several pictures , and I had one picked out pretty quickly because he was about the cutest thing I 'd every seen . Then Lynne sent me some videos of him playing , and I knew I had made the right choice . I had already picked out his name before I 'd even met him . I am a Linux Systems Administrator , and Ubuntu is a Linux Operating System . So that would be his name , Ubuntu . I knew nobody would call him that , so I shortened it to Ubi ( pronounced oobee ) . On Tuesday , Jan 26 , I picked Ubi up from the airport , and held him in my arms for the first time . He and his carrier were both covered in poop and pee , so when I got him home I immediately gave him a bath . The poor guy was so cold . I dried him off and held his 3 lb body tightly against me wrapped in blankets until he stopped shaking . He briefly fell asleep against my chest . After he was dry , I let him down , and the fun began . I had a ton of toys , hand me downs from Jamaica . They were all bigger than Ubi . He played with them anyway . He ran around my condo like he had always lived here . He was happy and having fun . So after one week of playing , pooping on the floor , peeing on the floor , but doing both outside most of the time , learning fetch in 3 minutes , learning sit in 10 minutes , running around at dog playcare like he owns the place , following me around the house like I am his daddy and best friend , being friendly to house guests , and having an extra long vet appointment because the vet techs didn 't want to stop playing with him , all I can say is I 'm exhausted . Well , that 's not all . I am so in love with this little guy , that I would do absolutely anything for him . Ubi has brought joy back into my home . Although some days I go to work with my eyes half open , it 's all worth it . To watch him play , to hold him in my arms while I 'm watching TV , as he falls asleep on my lap . I can 't tell you the beauty of this . So it 's almost 10 : 00 on a Tuesday evening , and I 'm not tired yet . I don 't want to watch TV . I don 't really have anything to do , hmmm … Oh ! I haven 't written in my blog in a while . Now first , I want to warn you , because I 'm about to talk about God . Not the traditional God that many people think of . I 'm not a Christian , and even though I 'm Jewish I still don 't believe that Jewish parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally . I 'm not even talking about an all powerful , omnicient being , that guides our every day lives . In fact , I 'm not talking about anything predefined . The word God is what we use to describe something that means different things to different people . I 'm going to use that word for brevity sake , but really what I mean is , higher power , and by that I mean anything that is more powerful than me . Myself and a friend . Together we are more powerful than me alone . Myself and a group of friends . Even better . Myself and a group of friends and loving family members . Or maybe it 's not people for you . Maybe it is the God of the Bible . The point is it doesn 't matter . What I 'm talking about is anything that you feel can help you when you need help , better than you can help yourself , or , anything that can help you help someone else better than you can help them yourself . For the rest of this reading , God = hire power . God has helped me a lot lately . When I found myself in my depression , just wanting to stay in my hole and not deal with the situation I was going through , some very loving , caring people in my life gave me some help that I needed . First , it was my family , and I didn 't really need to ask too hard for that help . All I needed to do was pick up the phone and say , this is what is happening , and the help was offered . My father and step - mother love me so unconditionally . Sometimes I can be the biggest baby about things , and sometimes there are things I 'm going through which they can 't possibly understand from my perspective , but they don 't care . They just love , and they show it by doing as much as they possibly can , whenever they are able . The problem is , they aren 't as able right now . My step - mother just had knee replacement surgery , and my father is going to have a heart valve transplant sometime very soon . But they were still there for me when I needed them , as much as they could be . However , this time , during a crisis I was going through and I 'm still going through they couldn 't offer as much as they 'd like to be able to , and that meant I needed to grow up just a little bit . That was very difficult for me at first . I wanted more care than they were able to give , and I finally had to face that fact after a week of hell , and a trip to the emergency room because I thought something was horribly wrong with my stomach or abdomen , or I had some other major medical issue going on , only to be diagnosed with constipation . That 's ok . You can laugh . That shit really hurt man ! Then , quite frankly , I started to pray to my higher power . Now , again , if I 'm sitting in my living room saying , " God , please , I need your strength here ! " , is anyone listening , or am I just affirming in my head , that I need help from something more than myself , and trying to work through how to get that help in my head . The weirdness is not in the asking . The weirdness is in the answers you get , and recognizing them . At this point it was another family member who came through for me . My aunt , who just lost her husband and my Uncle from cancer sent me an email one morning , asking me if I could help her with some computer problems . I told her about my situation , and how debilitating it was for me , and that all I could offer was to keep in touch because I thought it would be good for the both of us . I then asked her a question . How is she coping ? Because she 's pretty depressed right now too . She told me about how our grandmother used to make her make up her bed as soon as she got out of it , so she would at least have that to say she accomplished that day . So for some reason , I got out of bed , I not only made my bed , but I finally changed the sheets , putting clean ones on , and then I put the dirty ones in the washing machine along with some other laundry I needed to do . Then we chatted back and forth in email , and eventually she asked me a specific computer question , and it gave my mind something to do . At first I just explained what it could be , and pushed it back on her . But we kept chatting . Then I decided to do some searching online , and I was able to at least partially find the answer to her problem and help her get it more under control . I was still in a bad place , but my mindset had changed a bit . Frankly , having something to do made me feel less depressed . So we continued to chat , and I continued to pray . I also had to make some very tough decisions about some things in my life which I will talk about in another post some time . I started doing a few more , manageable tasks around the house . More laundry , wash the dishes , vacuum a little bit . And then I allowed myself to take a break because I had accomplished some things that I needed to accomplish . Another pretty much sleepless night went by , but I got up and took care of some things I needed do . I went to a doctor 's appointment . I had to take a cab there because of some other real ( more than constipation ) issues I 'm dealing with right now , but I went . I asked the doctor for help with some things and she went over and above to help me . Certainly a higher power there . Another sleepless night , still chatting with my aunt , still getting small , manageable tasks done , still praying . By the way , my prayers were pretty simple . " God , please help me to know what to do next . " This time the answer came to make some phone calls , and I did . I called very good friends . That was today . I had several phone conversations . Then I got a ride to another doctor 's appointment from one of those friends . Then I met my parents for lunch , and took care of some business that needed to be taken care of to make it easier for them to help me in ways that they could help me . Then I met another person and took care of some more business that needed to get taken care of . Then another friend picked me up , and we went to meet with some other friends . I got home at about 8 : 30 after a very full day . I made a few more phone calls . And now I 'm writing this . Will I sleep tonight . Who knows ? If my body needs sleep , I will sleep . It will eventually come , but it sure will come a lot faster if I 'm up and moving , and doing things and staying active . By the way , I meantioned more phone calls . Tomorrow is a very full day . Thursday will have some activity in the evening , and I can always think about how to do more between now and then , and then make some more phone calls . Oh , and I need to go grocery shopping . Luckily the grocery store is in the same shopping center where my condo is . I think I can manage a 3 block drive . I was told so by one of my advocating friends . . So now it 's midnight . I 'm not really sleepy , but I 'm tired , and that 's a good thing . I have to deal with chronic pain , and managing that is tough because it adds to the depression causing the sleep issues which adds to the depression and yes I did mean to say depression three times . But today was a good day . I was up , and active , and tomorrow and the next day will be the same . I 'm certainly not out of the woods here . I 've got a lot more to do to get back into life . Find a job for one , but I need to take care of myself first , and this one was a bit of a nose dive so I 've still got some climbing to do , but I 'm grateful , because I have help , from my higher power . As long as I ask for it , and am able to recognize it when it is presented , it will always be there . People , activity , things to think about . They are keeping me sane , at least for now . So it 's almost 10 : 00 on a Tuesday evening , and I 'm not tired yet . I don 't want to watch TV . I don 't really have anything to do , hmmm … Oh ! I haven 't written in my blog in a while . Now first , I want to warn you , because I 'm about to talk about God . Not the traditional God that many people think of . I 'm not a Christian , and even though I 'm Jewish I still don 't believe that Jewish parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally . I 'm not even talking about an all powerful , omnicient being , that guides our every day lives . In fact , I 'm not talking about anything predefined . The word God is what we use to describe something that means different things to different people . I 'm going to use that word for brevity sake , but really what I mean is , higher power , and by that I mean anything that is more powerful than me . Myself and a friend . Together we are more powerful than me alone . Myself and a group of friends . Even better . Myself and a group of friends and loving family members . Or maybe it 's not people for you . Maybe it is the God of the Bible . The point is it doesn 't matter . What I 'm talking about is anything that you feel can help you when you need help , better than you can help yourself , or , anything that can help you help someone else better than you can help them yourself . For the rest of this reading , God = hire power . God has helped me a lot lately . When I found myself in my depression , just wanting to stay in my hole and not deal with the situation I was going through , some very loving , caring people in my life gave me some help that I needed . First , it was my family , and I didn 't really need to ask too hard for that help . All I needed to do was pick up the phone and say , this is what is happening , and the help was offered . My father and step - mother love me so unconditionally . Sometimes I can be the biggest baby about things , and sometimes there are things I 'm going through which they can 't possibly understand from my perspective , but they don 't care . They just love , and they show it by doing as much as they possibly can , whenever they are able . The problem is , they aren 't as able right now . My step - mother just had knee replacement surgery , and my father is going to have a heart valve transplant sometime very soon . But they were still there for me when I needed them , as much as they could be . However , this time , during a crisis I was going through and I 'm still going through they couldn 't offer as much as they 'd like to be able to , and that meant I needed to grow up just a little bit . That was very difficult for me at first . I wanted more care than they were able to give , and I finally had to face that fact after a week of hell , and a trip to the emergency room because I thought something was horribly wrong with my stomach or abdomen , or I had some other major medical issue going on , only to be diagnosed with constipation . That 's ok . You can laugh . That shit really hurt man ! Then , quite frankly , I started to pray to my higher power . Now , again , if I 'm sitting in my living room saying , " God , please , I need your strength here ! " , is anyone listening , or am I just affirming in my head , that I need help from something more than myself , and trying to work through how to get that help in my head . The weirdness is not in the asking . The weirdness is in the answers you get , and recognizing them . At this point it was another family member who came through for me . My aunt , who just lost her husband and my Uncle from cancer sent me an email one morning , asking me if I could help her with some computer problems . I told her about my situation , and how debilitating it was for me , and that all I could offer was to keep in touch because I thought it would be good for the both of us . I then asked her a question . How is she coping ? Because she 's pretty depressed right now too . She told me about how our grandmother used to make her make up her bed as soon as she got out of it , so she would at least have that to say she accomplished that day . So for some reason , I got out of bed , I not only made my bed , but I finally changed the sheets , putting clean ones on , and then I put the dirty ones in the washing machine along with some other laundry I needed to do . Then we chatted back and forth in email , and eventually she asked me a specific computer question , and it gave my mind something to do . At first I just explained what it could be , and pushed it back on her . But we kept chatting . Then I decided to do some searching online , and I was able to at least partially find the answer to her problem and help her get it more under control . I was still in a bad place , but my mindset had changed a bit . Frankly , having something to do made me feel less depressed . So we continued to chat , and I continued to pray . I also had to make some very tough decisions about some things in my life which I will talk about in another post some time . I started doing a few more , manageable tasks around the house . More laundry , wash the dishes , vacuum a little bit . And then I allowed myself to take a break because I had accomplished some things that I needed to accomplish . Another pretty much sleepless night went by , but I got up and took care of some things I needed do . I went to a doctor 's appointment . I had to take a cab there because of some other real ( more than constipation ) issues I 'm dealing with right now , but I went . I asked the doctor for help with some things and she went over and above to help me . Certainly a higher power there . Another sleepless night , still chatting with my aunt , still getting small , manageable tasks done , still praying . By the way , my prayers were pretty simple . " God , please help me to know what to do next . " This time the answer came to make some phone calls , and I did . I called very good friends . That was today . I had several phone conversations . Then I got a ride to another doctor 's appointment from one of those friends . Then I met my parents for lunch , and took care of some business that needed to be taken care of to make it easier for them to help me in ways that they could help me . Then I met another person and took care of some more business that needed to get taken care of . Then another friend picked me up , and we went to meet with some other friends . I got home at about 8 : 30 after a very full day . I made a few more phone calls . And now I 'm writing this . Will I sleep tonight . Who knows ? If my body needs sleep , I will sleep . It will eventually come , but it sure will come a lot faster if I 'm up and moving , and doing things and staying active . By the way , I meantioned more phone calls . Tomorrow is a very full day . Thursday will have some activity in the evening , and I can always think about how to do more between now and then , and then make some more phone calls . Oh , and I need to go grocery shopping . Luckily the grocery store is in the same shopping center where my condo is . I think I can manage a 3 block drive . I was told so by one of my advocating friends . . So now it 's midnight . I 'm not really sleepy , but I 'm tired , and that 's a good thing . I have to deal with chronic pain , and managing that is tough because it adds to the depression causing the sleep issues which adds to the depression and yes I did mean to say depression three times . But today was a good day . I was up , and active , and tomorrow and the next day will be the same . I 'm certainly not out of the woods here . I 've got a lot more to do to get back into life . Find a job for one , but I need to take care of myself first , and this one was a bit of a nose dive so I 've still got some climbing to do , but I 'm grateful , because I have help , from my higher power . As long as I ask for it , and am able to recognize it when it is presented , it will always be there . People , activity , things to think about . They are keeping me sane , at least for now . It 's not like I forgot about the Lake . I knew it was there . I just hadn 't thought to visit it in a while . I used to walk the dog by it several times a week . I remember feeling better then . Emotionally , physically , better . It 's not a long walk . In fact , if I walk to the path that is adjacent to the lake on two sides , and then walk this path , past the " Logan 's Road House " , past the Hampton Inn , it 's about a mile . Not a really long walk by any stretch , unless you don 't have any legs , or they don 't function for you the way they used to . Mine do . I can walk . There are a few people in my life who can 't say this . Some of these people are rather close to me . But I can walk , and so I did this morning . Something to be grateful for today . The dog was grateful too . Although she was huffing and panting along the way , she turned to me , squinting in the sun , with her tongue hanging out and I could see that all too familiar smile on her face . " Thanks Daddy ! " , that smile was saying . I smiled back and said , " You 're welcome ! " She 's an old dog , my Jamaica . She 's in fairly good health for her age . Sometimes she falls when we are walking , but she gets right back up and continues to walk like nothing happened . I can learn a lesson from that . When we get back to the house and walk inside , it 's nice to feel the cool , dry air hit my face . It 's warm outside , and humid . This is as it should be in late May in the Washington , DC area . Not quite hot yet , but warm enough and moist enough to bring about a mild sweat , even with a mild walk . When we do these walks during the mid - summer months , I am dripping by the time we get back . The dog walks over to the water fountain ( Yes , I said fountain . Just a little gift I gave to her and to the cats a while ago to keep the water fresh and clean for them ) . She laps up 5 or 6 tongue fulls of water , as I reach into the refrigerator and pull out a can of sparkling , lemon - flavored water for myself . Nice , and cold , with a little bit of a bite . This would be a perfect start to a weekend day , except that it 's not the weekend . It 's the Tuesday after Memorial Day , and at the moment I don 't have a job to go to . I should be grateful , and I am for the fact that for the time being I 'm still receiving a pay check , and my company is searching for another position for me . I am grateful , both for this , and for the ability just for now to appreciate the time I had this morning to take the dog for a walk near the lake . We need to do this more often whether or not I 'm working . I need to make the time to do this with her , for both ours sakes . We really only have today . Who knows what tomorrow will bring . I need to make the most of each moment that I have , and not waste the moments feeling sorry for myself , or wallowing in self - pity or fear . But the only way to push the fear away is to fill my life with other things . Good things , like a walk by the lake , and the gratitude that I 'm able to take this walk with my old dog , and add some joy and contentment to her life if only for 1 mile at a time . Maybe we 'll walk a little further tomorrow . Or maybe tomorrow I will have a job to go to . No matter what , I still need to make the time to take these walks with her , for both our sakes . |
A A A A A A Kathleen had not been at home long , of course , before Peter and Ellen came to see her , and Terence came with them . It seemed to Kathleen that she had never seen him look as he did then . She had never seen him look so evil or so crafty or so sad . She felt afraid of him , because he looked so evil and so crafty , and she felt sorry for him , because he looked so sad . She sat in the corner of the room that was farthest from him , and it was also the farthest from all the others , as they were all sitting near together . Then , when all the others were busy talking among themselves , Terence suddenly came and sat close to her , and between her and the others , so that she could not get away from him . " You don 't need , " said Terence . " I know who was there . I know who he is and what he is , and I know the kind of talk that he talked to you . He made love to you . I know that well enough . That 's what he would do . But do you mind the promise that your father made to my father the day after we was born ? I want you should remember that promise . " " Ah ! " said Terence ; " he did make love to you . And you think you can talk any way you like to me and you won 't let me talk any way I like to you . Do you know that his staying in that hill with the fairies depends on me ? Do you know that - " For the rest of the time that he stayed Terence said not a word , but he sat and stared at Kathleen . And now she thought that there was something more terrible in his look than there had been before . It seemed to have a kind of spell about it . Kathleen had a feeling that she could not move while he looked at her , although when she tried it she found that she could . Kathleen did not forget the promise which she had made to the other Terence in the hill , that she would come back . She had said that she would come back to - morrow if she could . But when to - morrow came , so many people who had heard that she was at home again came to see her , that she was not left alone for a moment . It was several days before she could get away from the house to go where she pleased alone . Then she went straight to the little pool in the Park . If you live in New York , perhaps you would like to know just where this pool was - and still is . Well , then - go to the northwest corner of Central Park and go in by the little gate at the right of the carriage - drive . Then you will have to go down a flight of steps . Keep to the right , along the west side of the Park , and you will have to go only a few steps till you come to the pool , which is a little way up the bank , on the left , with the rocks behind it and the trees around it , as I have described it to you before . Then go back to the path and keep on the way that you were going , till you have gone up two short flights of steps . Then , only a few feet farther on , you will see , on the left , the little , shell - shaped , grassy slope where Kathleen danced with the Good People . Seeing these places will prove to you that this whole story is true . Kathleen went straight to the pool , as I said , never thinking but that , when she got there , she could walk into the hill as easily as she had done before . But there was no opening at all in the rocks . They were just as they had always looked before she went through them with the Good People . Then she tried to step on the water , and instead of stepping on it she stepped into it and wet her foot . She almost concluded that everything had been a dream after all . She felt frightened about it , and she hurried home to look at the little box of green ointment . If she found it where she had left it , it would prove that she had really been inside the hill and that it was not a dream . She ran to her room to look for it , and there it was just as she had left it . It was not a dream . But how was she to keep her promise to Terence ? - the Hill Terence , she called him now , when she thought of him , so as not to confuse him with Terence Sullivan . She went to the pool again and again and tried to find the door in the rocks open and the water so that she could walk on it , but she never found them so . Yet she could not think of any other way to get into the hill again . After a while it seemed so hopeless that she gave up going to the pool so often . Then one day a thought came to her which made it all seem so simple that she was quite surprised at herself for not thinking of it before . Terence had told her that he came out every day to go to school . He had said that the next year he was to go to the School of Engineering at the University . It was when she first came into the hill that he told her that , and so it was next year now . Now the University was not very far away , up on the hill , beyond the north end of the Park . She did not know whether there was any other way to get into the hill than this way through the rocks behind the pool , but if anybody were at the University and wanted to get into the hill , this would surely be the nearest way . Then she felt sure that if she went to the pool at the right time of the day she should meet Terence when he came out or when he went in . When she thought again she decided that she would not do anything of the kind . If Terence wanted to see her , it was his business to find her , not hers to find him . After that she thought still more . Terence had no way of finding her . She had never told him where she lived , and he might spend the rest of his life searching for her and never find her . And then she had promised him that she would come back . She had tried so hard to keep that promise already that most people would have said it was right for her to give it up now , but she had a feeling that a promise which she had made to Terence must be kept . She said to herself that it was because he had been so kind to her when she was in the hill . So she spent all the time she could near the pool , in the hope of seeing Terence . And what do you think happened ? She did see him . One afternoon as she was walking along the same old path toward the gate at the corner of the Park , she saw Terence come through that gate and down the steps . And now you will never in the world guess what she did . I suppose you have believed this whole story till now , but I am afraid you will not believe this . I should not believe it myself , if I did not know that it was so . But there is no doubt about it . She turned and walked straight back along the path , and tried to get away without letting Terence see her . Don 't expect me to explain it . I don 't blame you for being surprised . It was the most wonderful thing I ever heard of . A sensible girl like Kathleen too ! " Yes , " said Kathleen , " and didn 't I try ? But how could I get through those hard rocks ? I don 't suppose it was your fault about the rocks , though . How are they getting on with their triangles ? " " They are not getting on at all , " Terence answered . " You promised that you would come back , and then , when you saw me you tried to run away . What made you do that ? " You notice how uninteresting Terence and Kathleen 's conversation was getting . They kept on with it , however , dull as it was . They turned and went up over the hill to the blockhouse , and then down the steep path on the other side and back along the north end of the Park . " Do you come here often ? " Terence asked . Kathleen turned to look at it . " It is Venus , " she said . Then she turned back toward where Terence had stood . He was gone . She looked up and down the path and all around , but she could not find him . She went up to the pool . The rocks were just as usual - just as close , just as hard . She tried the water again to see if she could stand on it . She could not . Terence was gone and she went home to think about it . She thought about it and she thought more about it , but she could not understand it at all . So she very sensibly gave up understanding it . She kept her promise and met Terence again near the pool . And then she met him again and a few times more . Every time he would make her look away from him for a moment , or wait till she did look away , and when she looked back he would be gone . It did not take her long to find out that he did not want her to see him go , of course , and so one day , when she turned her head away she turned it back again quickly , and saw him standing close to the pool with his face toward the rocks . She watched him for a moment while he stood there , and neither of them moved . Then he said , without looking around : " Let me go , Kathleen ; I can 't go while you 're looking . " I don 't know how many times Terence and Kathleen strolled about the Park in this way , or what they talked about , or just how long a time went by , and I suppose that all these things interest you as little as they do me . But there is no doubt that one day , as they were walking together and talking together of whatever they found to talk about , they came face to face with Terence Sullivan . He passed them as if he had not seen them , but his face was black . The next day he came to see Kathleen , and he said to her : " Do you think I don 't know who that was with you in the Park yesterday ? And does your father know ? He will , if I tell him , and what will he say , do you think , when he knows that you 're meeting that fine boy without his knowledge ? If I see the two of you there again I 'll tell him , and I 'll be watching for you too . What do you say to that now ? " And that was all . He tried his best to get her to say more , but she would not . But it did not take her a minute to think what to do . And it was so simple that she wondered why she had never thought of it before . It was a wonder , too , that Terence Sullivan did not think of it himself and know that she would do it . But he was not clever in some ways , though he was so clever in others . The next day Kathleen met Terence in the Park , and she said to him : " Terence , we must not stay here for a single minute . You must come straight home with me . I want you to see my father and my grandmother . " After that Terence came often and Kathleen seldom met him in the Park , though they still walked there sometimes . Mrs . O ' Brien and John were immensely pleased with him . It was the strangest thing to see how much he liked to be in a house , just because it was a house , and how wonderful the ways of people who lived in a house seemed to him . When he and Kathleen sat together in a corner of the room and John sat reading a paper and Mrs . O ' Brien knitting and reading a book at the same time , it was as astonishing a sight to him as it would be to you to see a dozen mermaids playing at the bottom of the sea . " The way you live here , " Terence answered . " All these years , you know , I have just come out of the hill to go to school , and then I have gone back again . I have seen the people outside , but I never was in one of their houses before . And don 't you ever dance ? " " I never thought before , " said Terence , " of people 's not dancing all the time that they were not at work or eating or sleeping . You know there in the hill they dance a good deal of the time , and I get so tired of it that it seems to me as if they danced all the time . I think it is delightful not to dance . And what is your grandmother doing ? Is she studying ? " " Will you tell me about all those things some time ? " Terence asked . " I have heard people tell stories , but I never read a story , and I never read anything except books to help me learn to make railways and telegraphs , so as to teach it to the people in the hill . That is all they think of when they are not dancing . " And Terence wondered like this at everything that he saw , and he often told Kathleen how tired he was of living in the hill and how much he wished that he could live outside among the real people , as he called them , instead of with the Good People . Once Kathleen tried to take Terence to see Peter and Ellen , and then a strange thing was discovered . Terence could not go there . When he came to the corner of the street where Peter and Ellen lived , he turned straight around and walked the other way . " This is the way , " Kathleen called , and she hurried back after him . When she came up with him he turned again and walked with her as they had been going at first . " I don 't know why I did that , " he said . " I didn 't mean to . It was as if my feet turned me around and brought me back . " By this time they were at the corner again , and Terence did just the same thing over . He turned square around and walked back . He could not help it . He tried it again and again and he could not turn that corner . If you had been there and had seen him trying it , you would have thought that it was the funniest sight that you ever saw , though it may not sound so funny to tell about it . Kathleen was vexed that Terence could not go where she wanted him to , but she laughed till she had to sit down on a doorstep and rest . Terence did not understand it any more than Kathleen did , and afterward he tried it again , but it was of no use . He begged her not to tell her father or her grandmother , because , he said , it would make him look so ridiculous . But one day , when he and Kathleen were on their way together to the O ' Briens ' house , as he came to the last corner , Terence turned around and walked away . " I can 't go home with you to - day , " he said . " I don 't know why it is . I can 't walk that way . It is just the same as when I try to go to the Sullivans ' . " He went back to the Park and Kathleen went home alone and found that Peter and Ellen were there . Then she simply could not keep herself from telling her grandmother all about it . Afterward she wished that she had not told her , for her grandmother laughed a little and nodded and looked as if she knew everything , and she would tell nothing . So the Hill Terence came to the O ' Briens ' so often that he felt quite at home , and everyone there was glad to have him come , and if he stayed away for as long as three or four days , they wondered what had become of him . And all this , you may suppose , did not improve Terence Sullivan 's temper . He and the Hill Terence never met except that one time in the Park , but he knew all about it . And he talked with Kathleen about it sometimes , too , and it made her very uncomfortable . He talked in the same way that he did the day after Kathleen came back from the hill , of his having something to do with the Hill Terence and of the harm that he could do if he chose . He never said anything that Kathleen could understand , but he always made her afraid . She told the Hill Terence about it , and she told her grandmother about it . Her grandmother seemed to understand it perfectly , and she told her not to be afraid . Terence did not seem to understand it at all , and he told her not to be afraid . Then Mrs . O ' Brien went to her own room and came back with something which she gave to Kathleen . It was a little crucifix , made of iron . " It was this , " she said , " that I touched you with to bring you out of the circle when you were dancing with the Good People . Hang it around your neck , and if Terence troubles you , hold it up before you and before him . I have always said that Terence was one of the Good People , and I never believed it more than this minute . If he is one of them , he cannot come near the cross , and the iron will be a terror to him too . If he tries to come too near to you , touch him with it , and then we 'll see . " " Because , " Mrs . O ' Brien said , " the Good People are a kind of spirits , and no spirits can do you any harm if you hold the cross before you , or if you make the sign of the cross . Did I never tell you what the Good People were ? They were angels and lived in Heaven once . When Satan and his angels rebelled against God and were driven out of Heaven , the angels that are the Good People were driven out too . They were not good enough to stay in Heaven , and they were not bad enough to fall as Satan and his angels fell , so some of them stayed on the land and some of them stayed in the sea . And so they will live till the Day of Judgment , and then , some say , they will vanish like dew when it dries away ; and some say that they will be saved like the souls of Christians . But we do not know . " " I have read of one of them , " Mrs . O ' Brien went on , " who looked in at the gate of Heaven , and an angel told him that he could come in , if he could bring with him the thing which was counted in Heaven the most precious in all the world . And he found it and brought it and went into Heaven . But for the most of them - the Good People themselves do not know whether they are to be saved , and we common people do not know , but they say that priests know . And sometimes the Good People themselves have tried to find out from them . " There was a troupe of fairies dancing one night on a green near a river , and they were all having the merry kind of time that you know better than I do , Kathleen . But they stopped all at once and ran to hide themselves among the grass and behind leaves and weeds . For they knew , in the way that they have of knowing , that a priest was coming , and the Good People cannot bear to be near a priest . " The priest who was coming had been on some errand at a long distance from home , and he was a long way from home still . Indeed , he was just making up his mind that , as it was so late , he would not try to go home at all that night , but would ask for a supper and a bed at the first cabin he should come to . And well he knew he would find it and welcome . " And true for him , close by where the Good People had been dancing , he came to a cabin and knocked at the door . The man and his wife who lived there were proud enough to see the priest in their house and to give him all that he asked , and the trouble that was on them was that they had no more to give . For there was nothing to offer him but potatoes , though they were as good potatoes as there were in Ireland . " It was only a little while ago that the man of the house had set a net in the river , and he thought that there would hardly be a fish in it so soon . But then he thought that there could be no harm in looking , so down to the river he went to try could he find something for the priest 's supper more than the potatoes . And true enough , there in the net was the finest salmon he ever saw . He was about to take him out , when the net was pulled away from him by something that he could not see , and away went the salmon swimming down the river . " But still I don 't see , " Kathleen said . " You say that the cross will help me against Terence if he is one of the Good People , because they are a kind of spirits . But why wouldn 't it help me against him just as much if he wasn 't one of the Good People - if he was just a bad man ? " " No , no , " said the old woman ; " that little bit of iron will keep you against any evil spirit , and never one of them dare come near it ; but no poor human creature with a soul to save , no matter how wicked , was ever turned away from the blessed cross , or ever will be . The cross was made for them . And now , dear , you have been crying and your eyes are all red . Go to your room and try to make them look better . There might be someone to see you before long , and you wouldn 't like your eyes to look that way . " Kathleen scarcely knew that she had been crying till her grandmother told her , but she had . She went to her room and looked in the glass and was surprised to see how red her eyes were . And just at the same instant she saw the little gold box of green ointment , just under the glass , where she had left it , and where it had been ever since that night when she came back from the hill . Then she remembered how the Fairy Queen had given it to her to put on the little Prince 's eyes , and how she had done it , and how bright his eyes looked when she touched them with the ointment . She wondered if it would make her eyes look bright , too , and take the marks of the tears away from them . She took a tiny bit of the ointment on her finger and just touched each eye with it . It did make them look brighter ; there was no doubt about it . The next instant Kathleen started away from the mirror and across the room with a little frightened gasp . For , looking in the glass , she had seen a dark form pass behind her , as if it had just come in at the door of the room . She knew who it was without turning around . It was Terence Sullivan . He was still close to the door now , and she was across the room . She had the little iron crucifix in her hand and she turned and faced him . She raised her hand quickly to ward off the blow , and Terence 's hand touched the iron crucifix . The blow did not reach her eyes . Terence started back from her and fell upon the floor . Only for an instant Kathleen saw his face . His eyes blazed , but the rest of it was as if he had been dead . Somehow he found his way out of the room , Kathleen could scarcely see how . He did not rise , but he seemed to run like a beast running for its life . Kathleen followed him out of the room and to the stairs . She saw him just leaving the house by the door . And yet she could not see how he went , for the door was shut . Kathleen ran downstairs to find her grandmother and to tell her what had happened . Mrs . O ' Brien listened and then she said : " Kathleen , you have been thinking too much about Terence and you have got too nervous . Nobody has come into the house since you left me , only a few minutes ago . " " It was that , " said Mrs . O ' Brien . " I 've heard the like of it before . When you have touched your eyes with that ointment you can always see the Good People , whether they want you to or not . That was why he tried to strike your eyes , and if he had struck them he would have put them out . You will always see the Good People now wherever you meet them . They don 't like to be seen except when they choose , and so they may try to do you harm , and you must be careful . Keep the little cross always by you . Now that , you know , was about the most remarkable thing that Terence could say . He had tried to go to the Sullivans ' so many times and had found so many times that his feet simply would not take him there , that he had given up trying long ago . But now he resolved that he would go , and , more than that , he had a feeling such as he had never had before that he must go . He knew the street and the number , though he had never been there . He started off as if there could not be the slightest doubt of his going wherever he wished to go . He walked quickly through the Park and past the little pool as if he had never seen the place . He came out of the Park at the other side and went on till he came to the corner which he could never turn before . He turned it as if it had been any other corner . It did not even surprise him to find that he could . He thought that he was doing all this just because he was so determined to go just where he chose , but he had never felt anything like the force or the determination or whatever it was which was drawing him straight on . He reached the house and went up the steps . The door was open , and , instead of ringing , he went straight in . But what he did next was the strangest of all . He could not have told you why he did it any more than he could have told you why he did anything else . Instead of knocking at the door or going into any room that he passed , he went downstairs to the door of the kitchen . There , just for one instant , he stopped - the first instant that he had stopped since he left the O ' Briens ' house . Then , still without knocking , he pushed the door open and went in . Most Popular RegionsNorth American German French Scandinavian Indian Nordic Danish Greek Chinese English Native American Philippine Japanese Arabic Irish Portuguese Slavic Russian Scottish ItalianView all RegionsJ . F . CampbellJ . F . Campbell , also known as John Francis Campbell or Young John of Islay , was a . . . Explore the Author Read all the finest fairy tales on fairytalez . com ! The stories are optimized for reading on smart phones , tablets and computers , but we have also prepared the fairy tales for being printed . Any ideas for fairy tales we have missed ? Then do write us ! © 2017 Fairytalez . com , a VareGuide / Weider Media production . All Rights Reserved . |
We specialize in all things frightening . From true stories to fiction , horror movies to creepy art , we 're your one - stop spot when you want to be infested by the creepy - crawlies . Now , turn off the lights . Lock your doors . Try your best to make it through the night . This happened in the fall of 1993 , when I was 20 years old . In the interest of context , this was before I started college , and I was working in the material prep department of a plastics factory on the night shift . I was the only woman in the department , and my male coworkers were initially skeptical that I could handle the job , but I proved myself and earned their respect . It was hard work , but on the plus side , it also put me in the best shape of my life . It was also about this same time that I 'd dumped I had just gotten off work , and it was about 1 : 30am . My car was running on fumes , so I stopped at a local gas station to fill up . While I was pumping gas , a woman about my age approached me looking nervous and scared . She said that she had been at her boyfriend 's house , and they 'd had a fight . She 'd walked to the gas station to use the pay phone and call a friend to pick her up . On her way to the station , a car pulled up as she was walking and the guys inside started catcalling and harassing her . With a slight movement of her head she indicated a car that was parked off to the side by the gas station dumpsters . I saw right out of the gas station and asked her where she lived . She kept twisting around in the seat to see if the car was behind us , and when I asked her to put her seat - belt on , she ignored me and kept looking for the car . I assumed she was just scared . the car , and she started asking me about money , " Where 's your purse ? Where 's your bag ? I need money . You need to give me some money . " My stomach sank . I have this woman in my car , and now she 's gonna rob me . Fuck . But when I thought about it , robbery just didn 't make much sense . I was driving a 1985 Chevette ( affectionately nicknamed " Shitbox " ) and was wearing my work clothes : a ratty T - shirt and jeans with combat boots . I did NOT look like a person with a lot of cash primarily because I wasn 't a person with a lot of cash . She 'd twisted around in the seat again and started yelling , " There they are ! There they are ! " She didn 't sound scared anymore . I checked the rearview , and sure enough , the light green car is right behind me . She started cackling and bouncing up and down in the seat , " My boys are gonna FUCK YOU UP , bitch ! They 're gonna FUCK YOU UP ! " She 's laughing like crazy , opening the glove box , looking in the back for a bag or purse , telling me all the messed up shit these guys are planning to do to me . Now , if I had been smart , I would have just driven to the police station . Actually , if I had been VERY smart , I would have called the cops from the gas station and waited with her until they arrived . That would have been the intelligent thing to do . Unfortunately , none of this crossed my mind until later . In the moment , I just got really , really fucking angry . I realized 3 key things all at once : as it turned red . I glanced back to see if the green car was still behind me , but the cross traffic at the intersection had started to move , and they hadn 't caught up . The bitch started yelling ; I slammed on the brakes and she hit the dash and windshield with a solid , and viciously satisfying , crack . When she rebounded to the passenger seat , I had the box cutter in her face and was screaming some serious bat - shit crazy . I can 't remember exactly what I said , but it was along the lines of , " Get the FUCK OUT . Get the FUCK out of my car before I CUT OFF passenger door still open . I made a few more turns because I was afraid that the green car might catch up to me . After a little while I stopped to close the passenger door , and then I cut across town and got on to the highway to go home . I was on the highway for about 5 minutes before the shakes started . I pulled off to the shoulder to calm down and get my shit together , and then I drove home . I told my older sister ( I was living with her temporarily after the break - up with my ex ) everything that happened . She wrapped me in a tight bear hug while simultaneously yelling about how stupid I was for not going to the police . I 've never been so glad to be yelled at in my life . I live in North Wales , UK . For anyone who has had the pleasure of visiting , it truly is a beautiful place to live , though , for an adolescent boy , it is certainly lacking in things to do . As a result , my friends and I would often find ourselves mindlessly exploring areas of countryside and coastline . We returned with the necessary equipment and proceeded to unbolt the cover . This had to be done stealthily as the train track was right beside us , not close enough to be of any danger , but definitely a sufficiently small distance to cause panic for any train driver . And panic usually means Police . It wasn 't long before we had removed the heavy steel disc , and had started descending the ladder down into the structure . Once we had all safely reached the bottom , we decided to progress to the other side . At this point , we are totally confined into the narrow space that leads into the main area . If you are confused as to what the hell this ' bridge ' is supposed to be , you probably should be , because it was rather peculiar . I mean , I would have never known there was even an inside had we not found the man - hole . So , as we squeeze and crouch , and at one point scrape along our bellies , to the other side of the structure there is a growing sense of claustrophobia between us . The distance from end to the other is surprisingly long , but by the halfway point you can look down through narrow gaps onto the motorway below . This was actually pretty cool , which helped keep us calm , in a strange way . No more than a few metres beyond halfway ( which we could tell due to the symmetry of the passageways through the bridge ) , one of us claimed they could see some object in the distance at the far end . Slightly hesitantly , we agreed to investigate . Bad move . I reached the end first , and let me tell you , I have never felt the same sense of dread before or since . In front of me was a single fold - away chair positioned facing a wall . On the wall was a partially torn page from a newspaper , or a magazine , showing a fully naked lady in experience as similar to the reality as I could . Now I 'm a few years older , and hopefully a bit braver , I 'm considering going down there again , accompanied of course , to see what fucked up shit might be waiting . This could well happen in the next couple days , and rest assured I will 100 % post an update as I currently have no job , so time is plentiful ! Thanks for reading . they instantly nope 'd the fuck out of there ! As you can imagine , I was massively disappointed . I hope to go back soon with a different bunch of Anyways , my wife and I moved to a really small , mountain town just outside of a bigger town in the Northwest . The town we lived in was incredibly small and only had a population of about 475 people . We found there were no neighbors for about a mile in any direction . It also had huge glass windows downstairs so you could take in all of the beautiful scenery outside . The yard wasn 't fenced , so whenever I let our Pomeranian , Peanut , outside to do his business , I kept a watchful eye on As I shuffle across the kitchen floor towards the cupboard , I see a small silhouette . When my eyes focus , I see that it 's Peanut . He is standing perfectly still , staring intently at the sliding glass door . He 's not barking , and he seems like his hair is standing on end ( but it 's really hard to tell with Pomeranians . . . their poofy hair is always I flip my shit and scream for my wife to phone the sheriff , and the guys turn around and begin walking back towards the woods . Peanut finally begins yapping his head off ( some guard dog he is ) . I grab and load my revolver and head out to check the perimeter ( probably a dumb move ) , and I can 't find any trace of the assholes . The sheriff comes out and he finds nothing but boot prints in one of the flowerbeds under one of the downstairs windows . Without more evidence , the sheriff couldn 't really do anything besides filing a report , and he tries to convince me that it was probably some highschool kids screwing around . My wife and I are terrified , and I decide to keep However , the third night , I see some movement in the woods . It was them . Two cloaked figures , silently moving towards the house . I sit there frozen again , watching them make their way towards my back door . All of the lights in my house were off , so they probably weren 't able to They obviously heard me , or at least heard me fumbling to open the door , and began to turn around and walk back into the woods . At that point , I hear a BANG ! on my front door , and realize there must be a third one at the front of my house . I run out into my back yard and scream at them that they better not fucking come back , and I hustle back in and lock the doors , and my wife has come downstairs at this point . Keep in mind that she never saw the hooded figures the first night , and I think she secretly might have suspected I was just tired and seeing things . Now , however , she was terrified . She had come downstairs when I yelled , and saw the one who must have banged on the front door standing in front of the living room window , lifting up his hand to wave at her . The sheriff came back out and again , nothing could be found , and another worthless report was filed . When our lease was up , we moved the fuck out of there . It probably was some dumbass , small - town kids trying to have some sick , twisted version of " fun , " but it has seriously affected me . I 'm paranoid about windows and doors , and I always sleep with my gun close by . My wife can 't look out of windows at night anymore . Our new house has pretty much every security measure imaginable ( an alarm system , motion sensor lights , heavy locks , etc ) . Anyhow , that 's our story . We also ended up buying a big german shepherd , and though Peanut was initially pretty jealous , they are now quite good friends and my wife and I feel a lot safer with her patrolling the yard . My next door neighbour 's parents moved from India to the U . K back in the 60 's . After retiring they made a habit of heading back there every year to visit family and friends , ultimately spending around half their time travelling through India and half their time here . Long story short , one year they invite my family along . I was 15 ( now 25 ) and thought I was some badass Viking rock - prince because I had long blond hair and read Kerrang . FUN FACT : Curly hair ruins everything . I looked like a fucking cherub . We rock up to this huge hotel in the middle of the jungle . Honestly , the arse - end of nowhere . The nearest village is a three hour drive down a dirt road . Just before sunset . In the fucking jungle . I pull out the brochure . It 'd be safe to say that this place is under new management . There 's a single light on about five storeys up . As we pull in to the drive we spot a group of men clustered around a large fire . One of them stands and starts shouting something but is silenced by the guy next to him with a slap to the back of his head . One of the group comes sauntering over and motions our driver to wind down the window . The place is deserted . Not ' the staff have gone to bed ' deserted , it was like ' whoever WAS here fucking NOPE ' D it out of this place in a hurry ' deserted . There were toppled chairs . In the lobby . Hitchcock tells us that our rooms aren 't ready ( it is now 9pm ) and offers us some food while we wait . The dining room is huge , empty and our order is taken by a boy no older than nine who promptly vanishes , closing the doors behind him . We hear a motorbike engine outside and an hour later something vaguely resembling our order appears on a variety of mismatched dinnerware . No idea where any of it came from . I wake up ( no clue when , clocks clearly didn 't fit with the whole minimalist crack - den vibe the management were going for , but it 's pitch black ) to hear the door to my room clicking shut . The door that is no further than a foot from my head . FUCK THAT . I 'm no Viking rock - prince , I 'm a flying baby that plays a harp . I cower under the surprisingly clean blankets until my heart stops threatening to bust out of my ribs and redecorate the ceiling . Stealthy ninja roll out of my bed and to the door . The bastard is unlocked . FUCK THIS . Barricade that shit with the bedside table . Check little bro is alive . Get into bed . See our bags . Add them to the barricade . Notice that mine is open . FUCK EVERYTHING . everything is intact . I convince myself that I shat my pants over nothing and go back to sleep . Side note , little bro slept through the whole thing . Morning comes and we all want to get out of there as soon as possible . Neighbour 's dad kicks off about how weird the whole thing is to Hitchcock and gets half of our money back . Excellent . We head outside Turns out that our driver , who had a room in the place , had decided to sleep in the bus because he ( his own words ) ' didn 't want their funny business ' . Apparently there were people coming and going all night . He woke up to see a guy , nose against the window , just staring in at him . Driver hit the window and the dude scampered off into the jungle like fucking Mowgli . We give driver an extra huge tip . Hitchcock waves at us from the lobby , adjusts his crotch and plods back in . We leave , thinking something , start losing my shit . Everything from the night before rushes back . I explain what happened and there 's this weird moment of silence while everyone looks at each other . Turns out that everybody heard someone outside / at their door at some point during the night but had deadbolted them before going to sleep . Bro and I had no deadbolt . Hitchcock put us in that fucking room on purpose . Driver suggests that we head back to the hotel and demand satisfaction . Tips galore for Driver . We arrive at hotel . The doors are padlocked . Hitchcock and his cronies have vanished . The cherry on top of this mindfuck cake is the horse . The little metal horse that was sat on our bedside table has been EDIT : The TL ; DR is a just me dicking about . I bloody love India and have been back there twice since this . It is an amazing country and the people are , on the whole , incredibly warm and welcoming . You just get the odd ( emphasis on that word ) few who really skew the average . Posted by { Alone at Night staff note : } So , there are these things called Numbers Stations . They are these short - wave radio frequencies that used by intelligence agencies , of many nations , to provide one - way communication with agents in the field . They 're pretty damn interesting and can be really creepy too . It was around 11 at night and I had just finished working out at the gym . I went to the grocery store to pick up some food for the next couple of days . While at the grocery store , I decided to get $ 120 cash back ; money that I owed my mum , and unbeknownst to me as I left the grocery store , money that I came so close to losing . just got my car not long ago , and the novelty of driving stick hasn 't worn off yet . After about a half hour of driving around the city , I decide it 's about time to head home . As I pass a gas station on the edge much around . There 's an empty lot that 's without light beside the gas station and I notice an SUV sitting there , about 100 - 200m away , but I don 't think much of it . I get out and start pumping gas when I notice a woman come round the corner and walk straight towards me . As soon as I noticed her , a shiver ran down my spine . I instinctively " I have to pay for the gas , " I said , deciding to cut the gas - pumping short . I walked inside and talked to the guy behind the counter . I told him that the girl outside was kind of suspicious and I didn 't know her . He just kind of shrugged and I could tell he wasn 't interested in getting involved so I walked out . I figured she was high or something , but I would find a way to just get her to leave me alone . So many alarm bells were going off in my head already . First , she just looked sort of sketchy . She was dressed well enough , but her face was pretty rough . She was pretty covered in make up , but it didn 't hide a nasty looking sore on her lip . Her sunken eyes were dull , bloodshot , and just . . . dead looking . Second , she didn 't seem like a " damsel in distress , " not at all . She didn 't seem upset and she spoke without much emotion . Reaching for my phone , I realized I had left it in the car . " I 'm cold ! I 've been out here for hours ! " She shouts , pretty angrily for someone who 's asking a favour , I thought . Then I noticed her look at " I 'm freezing ! You said you 'd drive me home ! " " That 's not my problem ! " I started to raise my voice , she started raising hers . We weren 't yelling , but it was getting a little heated . We went back and forth like that for a couple of minutes . My mind was racing ; I thought about losing my car , about getting stabbed or shot , about getting robbed for the $ 120 I had in my wallet . . . I just lost it on her . " GET THE FUCK BACK . YOU DON ' T KNOW WHO I AM . GET THE FUCK BACK RIGHT NOW . " I guess I was in fight mode at this point . I was pretty ready to just fucking clock this bitch if she tried anything , as awful as that may sound . I think I caught her off guard or something , because she stepped back right away . after she said that . I was out of fight mode and into fucking FLIGHT mode . I watched her until she got a decent distance away , noticing she was walking sort of towards the SUV . I didn 't watch for much longer . I hopped in my car and peeled the fuck out of there . I turned into a random subdivision , making sure I wasn 't being followed . I called the cops and they said they 'd send a car but there wasn 't much they could do because there was no real crime committed , but Sorry if this is a bit wordy , but I 'm not sure the best way to tell this story yet . I 'm a bit obsessed with the details of what happened , that 's what 's got me so disturbed . The emotionless way she spoke , the creepy way she looked , that SUV . . . . fuck , I 'm surprised I didn 't just burst into fucking tears there . I mean I 've been jumped before but this just seemed so crazy and predatory . The last thing she said to me has absolutely haunted me . . . " You better get out of here right now then . " Laying it all out like that , so suddenly giving up the damsel in distress act . . . that has to be the worst part of this for me . Posted by When I worked in a coffee shop after high school , I had several customers ask me out or ask for my number & I said no to every single one . However , Dave was persistent . He ordered a strawberries and creme frappuccino from the cashier and chatted me up while I was making it for him . He asked for my number , but I politely declined to give it to him . He got back in line 20 minutes later and ordered the same exact drink again . He said " I ordered 2 drinks I didn 't want just to talk to you again ! " I thought it was cute so I agreed to give him my number . work a few hours before we were scheduled to meet up . I stopped by and we went for a walk , where he tactfully blurted out , " So this is just going to be a fling right ? " I was insulted that he was already thinking about hooking up but somehow he recovered because the date was still on . bad idea , I realize this ) and gave me flowers when I arrived . Things were looking better . After dinner we played some drinking games with his roommate , Joe , who turned out to be a great guy & made the evening tolerable . At one point Joe & I were having a great conversation and laughing a lot . In a sudden jealous rage , Dave snapped at Joe , asking why Joe didn 't just take me out . It was scary since I hadn 't even know Dave for 24 hours . Joe mentioned that he had to head out soon . When Dave left the room to grab another beer , I begged Joe not to leave me alone with Dave . Joe apologized but did eventually leave . The evening degenerated from there , with the most memorable bit of conversation being Dave telling me how his dad tried to kill his mom with a shotgun . Luckily , I was saved by a phone call from my younger brother , Matthew . He needed a ride home from a that he was ready to leave . The short ride to my parents ' house was incredibly awkward and quiet . I walked Matthew to the door and he told me he had accidentally bumped into Dave at the party his response was " Your sister & I were having a great time until you ruined our night . Also , if you bump into me again I 'll break your fucking arm . " to his apartment . Luckily the ride was without incident , unless you count him trying to talk me into going back inside with him . I firmly said " No " until he got out of my car and then I sped away . The next day I got a text from him saying ' Not a good sign when the flowers are left behind : ( . ' I responded with ' Not a good sign when you threaten my brother and accuse him of ruining your night . ' He tried to say he had been kidding & that Matthew had taken it wrong but I didn 't believe him , especially after the shady things Dave had already done the night before . Plus my brother is sacred to me , and I would never let anyone harm him in any way , so the incident from the night before was enough to turn me off of Dave forever . I replied , " Matthew thinks you 're a real piece of shit . I trust his judgment completely . Piss off and don 't contact me again . " Luckily , he heeded my bitchy text . Looking back , I realize I should have done a lot of things differently and that I was extremely lucky that Dave never did anything to harm me when we were alone . My brother was only 17 at the time , but he was a big guy ( 6 ' 2 " , 200 + lbs ) . I 'm not sure why I didn 't drive Dave About a year ago I was attending film school , and I lived out in Hollywood . I was 21 years old , and stayed in a gated apartment complex . Getting home at late hours the community gym would be closed , So I 'd go jogging at nighttime - - Usually doing laps around the outside of my complex . While jogging I slowed to a walk . I took my headphones off , and looked at my iPhone to change the song I was running to . I had a weird hunch like I was being watched . I looked across the street , and there was a tall dark skinny man . He was wearing nothing but red underwear , and unbuttoned shirt . As soon as I noticed him , he began to open the unbuttoned part of his shirt seductively revealing his torso . " WHERE THE FUCK - FUCK # $ % # @ $ % " He was just screaming nonsense . I 'm now sprinting at full speed . In the midst of this that nutjob in his underwear is STILL chasing me , STILL yelling . I eventually turn around ; he 's gone . After I got inside I told my roommates what what happened . We joked about it for a little , - - - Then there was a loud bang at my our door . We all went up to the door , and opened it . Nothing . - - - No one was there . We all went outside looked around . - - - No one was there . kind . Anyway . I was staying out of town for a class in a motel by myself . Being a student , I went cost over amenities and ended up In one of those deals that 's two stories with all doors accessible from the outside . On this night , my room was in the back of the motel on the bottom floor . After I 'd gone in to get settled I came back out in front of my car to have a cigarette . As I was smoking , I looked up and noticed because he didn 't seem to have come from a room . He walked the length of the upper balcony , down the stairs and then back across the bottom , passing where I was standing . He didn 't stop or speak , but as he approached I was terrified . Hairs on neck raised , goosebumps , the whole deal . I recall thinking that I shouldn 't dart back into my room because I careful , okay ? " Now we are not a family who says " be careful " and " I love you " on the phone so I asked why she said it . She replied she just had a weird feeling , so I told her about the man . We decided I should call the front desk and at least see if he was staying there , so I hung up with her , put a chair in front of the door ( because of course I was scared again ) and made the call . guy on the property who was kind of giving me the creeps . She immediately replied , " With the red shirt ? " I swear my blood ran cold . Turns out he was a guest but he 'd been walking around for the past 3 hours and intermittently coming to the lobby only to abruptly leave when another guest entered . The check - in girl was so freaked she called her roommate to stay with her until her shift ended . After I hung up I could not stay there through the night so I packed up , ran to my car and drove around to the front to check - out and get the story from the girl . She was just as scared as me . The guy had an out of state plate and even when he didn 't enter the lobby he would stand outside and peer in . The girl had the distinct impression he was trying to get her alone . Needless to say I haven 't stayed at that hotel since . Sort of anti - climatic there but words cannot describe the terror ( not an exaggeration ) that I got from the presence of this man . I fully expected into the dating scene I tried doing the whole OKCupid thing . It was alright . I honestly wasn 't too active on it . I 'd check my account a few times a week and message some profiles of girls that I thought were pretty . 95 % of the time my messages would go unanswered . I 'd guess it was mostly because many of my messages in retrospect were pretty uncreative and dry . we had in common . I also need to reiterate that her pictures were smoking which most definitely clouded my judgement . I should also mention that I 'm former military and an Afghan veteran , so nothing really scares me . Almost immediately after pressing " send " she responded . We messaged each other through the OKCupid messenger service for about a week and I got to learn a lot about her . Her name was Aoife ( pronounced EE - FAH ) and didn 't really bother me ) and had a very long complicated story about how she grew up a Catholic in Northern Ireland during the troubles and was orphaned at a young age . She seemed really driven and had such an amazing story . I had so many questions and in all reality a lot of respect for her , so it was really easy to keep talking to her . her daughter , friends , etc . For the most part this whole thing seemed legit . The stories she had were pretty detailed and she was talking about stuff that I really didn 't know a lot about and honestly couldn 't comprehend . didn 't add up . At first she told me she was a hair stylist at some swank place in Central London . I don 't really frequent Central a lot . . . so ok . . . no biggie . I 'd just met her online . . . I wasn 't going to head into central to stalk her at work . ( which I looked up on the internet and is a real place ) and managed it on weekends . She had detailed stories about the bouncers and regulars , etc . This didn 't seem to make a lot of sense but ok . . . I mean I guess you could do both jobs and be a full time mom ? It seemed odd , but she seemed driven , and she also seemed really hot so who was I to judge ? Again , I wasn 't going to be super creeper and pop down there . . . I just took her word for it . She also said she lived in a really nice penthouse near Covent Garden . . . which if anyone knows the London real estate market didn 't seem plausible on a hairdresser / barmaid 's wages ( She explained this by saying that she 'd fallen into some money after the troubles . It seemed kinda far fetched , but again , without actually meeting her who am I to judge ? ) I started to notice some other weird things . She 'd send me pictures and in some of them certain tattoos were present , in some they weren 't . I figured she was just sending old pictures but I remember that is what started to tip me off that things were fishy to say the least . But again , there 's really nothing wrong with sending old pictures and I had no real reason not to believe the photos were Aoife . They all seemed like the same girl and with the excpetion of the tattoos and some small changes in hair colour . Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary . She would also send me pictures of her daughter , Roisin ( whom she claimed was 14 ) . on a date . I figured it was time I finally meet her . We 're set to meet up on a Friday night and on that Friday she doesn 't respond to a single text or call . I had nowhere to meet her . By around 9pm she texts saying things got out of control at her pub , and she was really sorry but she had to cancel . I was upset and should have bailed there , but I forgave her and we agreed to set up another first meeting . Things from here really started to get weird . As I said I was doing the online dating thing , and in this time I 'd met a few other girls . Another girl named Jo had asked me out ( who turned out to be a psychopath , but that 's just because she had an uncontrollable temper . . . and is nothing interesting enough to put on this subreddit ) . I went out with Jo one night in an area of London called Shoreditch ( which isn 't too far from where Aoife 's pub was ) . While I was out Aoife called and texted me a few times . I basically just ignored the calls . When the date was over , I said " bye " to Jo and went home and called Aoife . She asked where I was , and basically . . . well I lied . . . I said I was out with a friend . Aoife didn 't say anything and we talked on the phone for a bit and then said goodnight . my lie . She claimed knew that I was out with another girl . She knew which restaurant I was at and the night that I 'd been there . She knew what Jo had looked like . Aoife claimed that one of the bouncers from her pub knew what I looked like because she had shown him photos and he recognised me when I came through the doors at the restaurant in Shoreditch . ( This didn 't make a lot of sense because I didn 't see any bouncers at the restaurant we were at . . . but maybe he was bartending or something . I didn 't know . She had details and they were spot on . ) This was odd to say the least . I think we fought for a little bit . Didn 't talk for a few weeks . Then one night she called me really late . It seemed off so I answered . She was panicking . From what I could tell she was suffering from sleep paralysis . . . which I know is scary so I stayed on the phone with her until she went back to sleep . This happened a few more times . I really had no intention to date or even see her . I went home to the US for about a month and while we did keep limited contact , there was nothing too serious and my expectations were pretty low . After I had gotten back to London she invited me out . I don 't remember much of the details but , she ended up canceling on me again . I basically decided " fuck it . " I wasn 't even upset . We 'd text a little bit , but the communications really started to die down . I really didn 't think much about it and went on with my life . was in the same area of town ( 2 stops away ) and I didn 't see any harm in it . She told me to meet her up in Camden and she 'd be at the Wetherspoons ' Pub at noon . It wasn 't a date ( at least in the romantic sense - - which was good ) and at this point I was really curious as to who she was . I 'd literally spent hours talking and texting to this girl . So I don 't know Camden that well and I 'm getting texts from her on the way up there as I 'm trying to find the Wetherspoons ' ( It 's right by the Lock in Camden by the way ) . She 's telling me she 's at work and in the process of selling her share in the bar but she 's on her way . Another friend of her 's is at the bar , but " he 's a great guy , you 'll like him . " Again , I was already right there . Might as well meet her friend . Reece was a tall skinny Ginger kid . He was about 21 and had a thick Irish accent . I walked up to him shook his hand and we got drinks . He seemed nice enough and for as weird as the situation could potentially be it wasn 't all that uncomfortable . Another one of his friends was there as well . They seemed like two nerds in their early twenties . They talked about football and videogames and all the other stuff twenty - something kids talk about mixed in with a little bit of politics and a couple random questions about " how do you know Aoife ? " etc . I 'd been in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban a few years prior , this situation was 't anything to be concerned about . Then I got a text from Aoife . Something along the lines of " Hey , getting tied up , be there in about an hour . " Reece seemed nice enough . So we hung out got a few beers , and moved on to the next pub . Still no Aoife . my beer pretty well . Another apologetic text from Aoife rolls in . " Fuck it . . . we 're drinking " I thought and we were having a good enough time . Reece would ask me random questions about Aoife , but I basically shrugged it off to it being one of the only few things we had in common . We bar hopped around Camden and went to the Hawley Arms ( Redditors may know this bar because it 's one of Amy Winehouse 's old haunts ) . At one point I was in the cue to buy a round of drinks and felt like this guy was way too close to me . I turned around and saw an overweight old man with an ugly brown jacket and a pock - marked face . He had a crucifix tattooed on his neck . In all honesty ; a typical barfly you 'd see in any British pub . I said " excuse me " and walked past him . We continued to drink and bullshit the day away . By this time it was like 2 : 30 - 3 and Aoife is nearing three hours late . I decide " Fuck it . . . lets go to the Lock Tavern ( her bar ) . " Reece and his friend seemed cool with it . We get there and there 's two Irish tri - colours flying above the place . " Yeah . . . you can tell Aoife owns the We went into her place and I text her to tell her we 're there . " Oh great , I 'm almost done with this , I 'll be down in a minute . " She never comes down . But this is when the story gets really really weird . This other dude named Pete shows up shakes Reece 's hand and Reece says " oh you 're here to meet Eva " ( Keep in mind that Aoife and Eva are phonetically almost identical names ) . I look at Reece and he 's like " Ah this must seem weird . . . Eva is Aoife 's best friend . " Now this seemed really weird but I needed to figure out what was going on . These two girls have almost exactly the same name and I had never heard Aoife mention Eva before . I start talking to Pete and Reece starts asking similar questions to him about " Eva " that he was asking me about Aoife . But some of these questions were getting more serious . He was asking him things like " Do you love her ? " Pete 's story then starts to sound eerily similar to mine : Pete meets Eva online , she 's from N . Ireland , has a daughter named Roisin ( In his version she 's 12 ) . He 'd tried to meet up with her a few times but it fell though . He was invited last minute to hang out today . " Oh shit , this is weird . " Is all I could think . Something wasn 't right . At this point I knew that someone was getting played ( probably me ) and I was in some kind of game but I needed to figure out what exactly was going on . Pete and I started to figure out things right about the same time and right in front of Reece who stuck to his guns on the story remarkably well . " They both have similar names . . . they both have daughters that are around the same age with a really common Irish name . " I 'm not buying it . leave . " Aoife " sends me a text saying she 's almost on her way down . " Great , I said . . . meet us up the street at some other pub . " Pete and I start walking out . On the way out I asked the bartender " Hey is Aoife * * * * * * * * * * working today ? He responds " no mate , Aoife * * * * * * * * * * * hasn 't We head to the next pub . I 've got a good buzz going on , but I know I need to sober the fuck up and fast . I think Pete might be a victim in this game too , but he might not be . He for sure can 't be trusted . Reece and his buddy are suspect as well but I don 't have any proof yet and my curiosity is keeping me there . We walk into another pub . Reece 's friend says something to Reece and I don 't hear it . Neither does Pete . Reece looses it . He yells at his friend and his friend basically says " fuck you , I 'm out " and takes off . Pete and I are still trying to put things together . I find a table on an outdoor deck . It 's quiet . I can think , and I can piece this together . It 's amazing how fast you can sober up when you think you 're in trouble . I ask Pete if he has any pictures of " Eva . " and Pete pulls out his phone . He shows me a picture that I 'd seen before . " Wait , That 's Roisin ( Aoife 's daughter ) . " " No mate , that 's Eva . " Pete replies . This is making I showed Pete pictures that I had of Aoife . He claimed he 'd never seen the girl in the photos before . Reece was sticking to the story that That 's when it dawned on me . I simply looked at Pete and asked him " what number do you have in your phone for Eva ? " Pete reads the number on his phone and it turns out being the EXACT same number I had for Aoife in my phone . If all the other clues hadn 't added up , this one sent At this point it was just me and Reece . I don 't think that he had overheard that we both had the same number for someone that he was telling me were two separate girls . Reece said that Aoife and Eva had texted him and that they 're on their way . I don 't know who Aoife and Eva are at this point or if they even exist . I basically tell Reece that I think he 's playing some kind of fucked up game and that he 's " more than suspect " of wrongdoing . He took offense this and at physically threatened me . He wasn 't a big dude and knew that if he stepped to me it and get home . I wasn 't waiting for anything . At this point I have no idea what the fuck is going on . At best I 'd been in some sort of weird Manti Te ' o type Catfish scam at worst I was almost a victim in a snuff movie . I get on the tube and there 's a guy right behind me . I look at him . He 's overweight , pock - marked face , brown jacket . We make eye contact . I look at his neck and there 's the crucifix tattoo . It was the same guy from the Hawley Arms . I 'm a bit worried , but I 've been under worse pressure before in my life . I calmly sat down on the train . The train was being held in Camden for some reason and wasn 't moving . That 's when who jumps on the same carriage as the two of us ? Reece . I could have sworn he made eye contact and gave a nod to the man in the brown jacket . At this point I played dumb that they were there . On the London Tube there 's a certain dinging noise that 's made right before door . I ran around and doubled back on the tube several times . When I finally got back near home I texted a friend in New Cross and told her I I had a few calls from " Aoife " the next few days but I never wanted to answer them . She also sent a few texts saying we needed to talk . Eventually she stopped calling and texting altogether . I have a few theories on the whole issue . One of my friends thinks that Reece and Aoife are the same person . I wouldn 't rule it out but the person I talked to on the phone definitely sounded like a woman . Anyway , I thought I 'd share . To those of you who are dating online and meeting sketchy people , be safe about it . Never let your curiosity get to you like it did me . If there 's anyone out there who has any idea what was going on feel free to share or play your theories off me . I 'm still baffled by the whole thing . ( Hello Alone at Night visitors . Our new book is alive ! It 's available on Amazon . I love to ride my bike along the country roads of a . . . This happened to me about 12 years ago when I was 10 . Still to this day it creeps me out . Down the road from my house is a petrol station . I . . . Hello , Alone at Night Scary Stories fans . Big news . You can read more about Alone at Night 's Patreon account here . Alone at Night h . . . Hello , Alone at Night fans . We 're still waiting for our first Patreon contributor . Will it be you ? If you enjoy the content that Alon . . . |
We all knew that this time would come , but we sure couldn 't have foreseen what would end up happening because of it . Daniel had turned thirteen , and puberty in all its pain and glory had commenced full force . That time in the life of any boy is a pretty big deal , but , for Daniel , it was anything but fun . I 'm sure that you guys out there recall all the many changes that occurred during puberty . Now imagine all those things happening within a matter of days - and no one had bothered to enlighten you beforehand on what was going to take place . Scary thought , huh . Kids these days usually have at least some knowledge about what goes on during puberty by the time it arrives , but Daniel 's original childhood memories were all from the 60 's and 70 's , when such topics were not quite so freely discussed . If his parents had lived , his father might have given him some idea on what to expect , but , apparently , none of his foster parents chose to delve into that stuff , and he didn 't get any kind of sex education in school . I wish we 'd known this beforehand so that we could have seen to it that he was filled in on all that stuff before this started . It was Daniel 's failure to come to breakfast one morning that led to us finding out what was going on . Carter called his room , and he claimed that he wasn 't feeling well . Fraiser went to check on him . Teal ' c , Carter and I were all gathered outside his room when she came back out . " No , that 's not the problem . From what I was able to gather , he 's entered the stage of puberty when the physical and hormonal changes are becoming quite evident . Apparently , he started noticing the changes a couple of days ago . I 'm afraid that we all failed to consider how overwhelming this was going to be for him due to the fact that it 's happening so quickly . I couldn 't get much out of him , but , judging by the way he 's acting , he 's a little scared and more than a little embarrassed . I 'm guessing that he had no prior knowledge of what would be happening , which would make it even more frightening and embarrassing . " " Apparently not . It 's possible that the school Daniel attended didn 't have a course in sex education . Or it could be that , at the time the course was taught , Daniel was opted - out because he was considered to be too young . " Fraiser 's gaze turned penetrating . " Sir , Daniel is going to feel a lot more comfortable talking to a man about this than he would with me . " Crap again . " Uhhhh , not that I don 't want to help him out , Doc , but I wouldn 't even begin to know the right way to talk about . . . all that . " I squirmed under her gaze . " How about Teal ' c ? He probably had the talk with Rya ' c . " " I did not , O ' Neill , " my Jaffa teammate corrected . " I was not present when Rya ' c entered the time of prata , so it fell upon his mother to explain much of what would be occurring . However , if you fear to speak of such things to Daniel Jackson , I will endeavor to do so . " " Hey , I didn 't say I was afraid . It 's just that it 's . . . you know , and I . . . well , it isn 't . . . . " My voice trailed off as I looked back at the three pairs of eyes staring at me . " Oh , all right ! I 'll do it . " " Hey there , " I greeted with a smile upon sticking my head in the room . I saw that Daniel was sitting on his bed . I came in all the way and shut the door . " So , how are you doing ? " " Uh huh . Granted , it doesn 't normally happen nearly as fast , but it 's still nothing to worry about . It means that you 're becoming a man . In no time at all you 'll be shaving and everything . " The thought occurred to me that that was probably not a good thing . As long as Daniel 's physical growth was accelerated , so too would be his facial hair growth . The poor guy would be shaving constantly . It was bad enough that he had to get his hair cut once or twice day to keep it from getting too long . I knew right off what he was referring to with that statement . " Ah . Things to do with girls ? " I got a nod from him . " Yeah , that can be pretty distracting . It 'll get better after a while , probably just a few days in your case , which makes you pretty lucky . We won 't go into how long I had to deal with that and all the stuff that came with it . Talk about embarrassing ! " By the look that was on Daniel 's face , I knew that he was already having trouble with that other stuff as well . The poor kid . As hard and fast as this was hitting him , it was no wonder that he didn 't want to come out of his room . I put my hand on his shoulder . " You know , Daniel . You don 't have to be embarrassed or nervous about talking with me about this . Like I said , I went through it all , too . There 's nothing you can say that 'll shock me or make me think less of you . " With a lot of coaxing and patience , I managed to get Daniel to slowly open up to me about the things that were going on with his body and emotions . I think I did a pretty darn good job of allaying his fears and most of his embarrassment , even if I do say so myself . I also gave him a few tips and some advice to help him cope . " All right , Daniel . You can stay in your room today . In the morning we 'll see if you feel better . Would you like me to bring you something to eat ? " The doc nodded . " That might be for the best . I can only imagine how severe some of the physical and emotional manifestations must be . The first few days are going to be the hardest for him . " " Well , being this late in the year , I think a trip to my cabin is out of the question . I 've got an old friend who has a place in Idaho . It 's on ten acres of forest land . Kent 's never there this time of year , so I 'm sure he 'd let us use it . " I don 't know what Fraiser said to Hammond , but , whatever it was , it did the trick . The next morning , the higher - ups agreed to allow Daniel to go with me to Idaho for four days . In that time , he would age a year . By the time we got back , he 'd be fourteen and hopefully to the point where he could handle things better . " Actually , I was talking about a bit farther than that . We got permission from the bigwigs to go to a place a friend of mine has in Idaho . It 's nice and secluded , out in the middle of a forest . We could go hiking and do some of that fishing that you and I haven 't had the chance to do yet . It would be just you and me , two guys paling around and shooting the breeze . " I paused . " So , how does that sound ? " " Great ! You 'd better get busy packing . I 'm going to see if I can borrow Captain Penn 's plane . If he says yes , we 'll be leaving in a few hours . Oh , and make sure you pack stuff that 's going to fit you in a few days . You know how fast you 're growing now . " In case you 're wondering about that last comment , let me explain . As I 'm sure you know , all boys go through major growth spurts once they enter puberty . Couple that with Daniel 's already accelerated growth rate , and I think you get the picture . Fraiser said that Daniel could grow as much as an inch and a quarter per day , which meant that by the time we got back , he could be a whopping six inches taller . " Thank you for offering , Daniel , but even if I didn 't have lots of work to do , this is supposed to be a guy trip . You wouldn 't want a girl around . " She smiled again to let him know that she wasn 't unhappy about that . Daniel ducked his head and blushed . " It would be all right , " he mumbled . " Girls are nice . " His blush brightened dramatically . " I - I - I mean girls a - are okay . " " You 're welcome to come with us , T , " I said to our other teammate once Daniel and Carter had separated . I grinned . " There won 't be any mosquitoes . " The flight to Idaho was uneventful , the weather remaining good throughout the trip . Even so , by the time we got to Kent 's place in our rental car , it was pretty late , and we were both a little tired . After firing up the wood stove to warm the place and putting away all the food that we 'd brought , we headed off to bed . The next day dawned cold and clear . According to the weather report , the clear skies were supposed to last throughout our time there , but that was no guarantee that we wouldn 't get some snow . I 'd made sure that we were prepared for all weather . At least we wouldn 't have to worry about freezing . There was enough wood to last a good month . After breakfast , Daniel and I went for a hike . It didn 't take long before the wildlife began paying more attention to us than normal . I suspected that if I wasn 't present , Daniel would have half a dozen or so furry and feathered friends keeping him company . " I was thinking that we could go fishing this afternoon , once it gets warmer , " I said . " Kent told me that there 's a good fishing spot several miles from here on the river . Actually , morning is the best time for fishing , but it might be a bit cold for wading out into a river . I brought some waders for us , by the way . " That afternoon , Daniel and I played catch . The first time we played , which was when he was ten , he didn 't know how . I had fun teaching him and watching him come to enjoy it . Every time we played , I couldn 't help but think about my games with Charlie . He had loved to play catch . After he died , I bitterly regretted all the times that he 'd wanted to play , but I was too busy . Shaking that thought from my head , I looked at the boy I was playing catch now . He 'd grown so fast . Only five weeks ago , he was a little four - year - old carrying around stuffed toys and giving everyone hugs , and kisses , and cuddles . Now , he was starting the transition into manhood . In less than a month , he 'd be a fully grown adult . A big part of me still wished that he was aging a bit more slowly , that we could have held onto his childhood for a few months longer . On the other hand , I missed having Daniel on missions , missed sharing beer and a pizza with him . I hadn 't realized how much I 'd miss those times with Daniel until after he ascended . And then I missed him every day . At least this time he was still here . During the past weeks , I 'd really come to appreciate and enjoy our times together , though , for obvious reasons , they weren 't quite the same as they were before he got downsized , at least not yet . " Uh huh . I learned in the Yucatan . One of the natives who was working on my grandfather 's dig taught me . " He looked at the fishing rod I held . " But we didn 't have poles like that . It was just a stick and some twine . " Daniel proved to be a fast learner . In fact , within the space of the first hour he 'd caught four fish - all of which he let go . I swear that his power over animals was actually drawing the fish to him , because he 'd barely put his line in the water when another one would be caught . For the next ten minutes , the wolves watched us , occasionally pacing along the riverbank . There was not a doubt in my mind that if Daniel was alone and there was no river separating them , those wolves would be a whole heck of a lot closer . Did that thought scare me ? Yes and no . It would be natural for me to get nervous thinking about a pair of wild wolves cozying up to Daniel , but , on the other hand , I 'd witnessed a polar bear licking his face like they were the best of pals . I still had no idea how Daniel 's power over animals worked , but there was no denying that it was real . Daniel 's comment made me smile . " Well , once you 're an adult , there would be nothing to stop us from doing so . Maybe we could have Sam and Teal ' c join us next time . " I cursed inwardly . I wasn 't exactly sure what I should say . I couldn 't lead him to believe that he and I had a relationship that was always close since , eventually , his memories would prove that to be a lie . I thought about some of those memories - moments like me telling Daniel that our friendship had no foundation , telling him to shut up in front of a room full of people , calling him a pain in the ass as he lay dying - and it made me sick . I didn 't want him to remember those low points in our friendship . I wanted him to remember only the good stuff . But that was not possible . I set aside my plate and looked Daniel straight in the eyes . " When it comes to you and Sam , you two have always been really close , just about from the day you met . Your friendship with Teal ' c took longer , but it 's as solid as a rock . As for the two of us . . . there are a lot of ways that you and I are different , Daniel . When you were an adult , sometimes those ways made us clash on things . I won 't lie to you and say that we didn 't argue , that we didn 't have some bad times . " " Daniel , look at me , " I ordered . After a long moment , he obeyed . " What I 'm going to tell you now is something that I never had the guts to say when you were an adult , but it 's something that I want you to know . In spite of all the ways that we 're different , in spite of the arguments and the bad times , you were and are my best friend , probably one of the best that I 've ever had . " " Yes , you are . I want you to remember that when you start getting back the memories of our relationship that aren 't so good . " I picked up my plate . " Now , finish your fish before it gets cold . " Daniel was quieter during the remainder of the day than he 'd been the day before , and I knew that he was thinking about the things I 'd told him . It really bothered me that I 'd had to destroy the ideal image he probably had of our friendship . I wished that image was true . After Daniel ascended , there were so many things that I regretted . I regretted them even more now . " I 'm thinking about those wolves we saw , " I said . " They might be part of a pack . Kent told me that there 's a place up the river a ways from where we were today where it 's shallow enough that we could get across . Maybe we could go back there tomorrow and see if we can find the rest of the pack . I bet with that magic touch you have with animals , they 'd let us get pretty close . How would you like that ? " And so it was that , early the next morning , we returned to the river . We found the place where the water was no more that two feet deep and went across wearing our waders . We shed the waders on the other side and began our search for the wolves . Though Daniel didn 't know it , I had my sidearm in the pocket of my coat . I wasn 't about to take the chance that something in this forest would turn out not to be as friendly toward Daniel as I was hoping it would be . Wolves weren 't the only big predators out here . Despite what was often shown in the movies and on TV , most wild predators had no interest in attacking humans , but there were always exceptions . We 'd been looking for not quite an hour when a flash of movement off to the right made me stop . I grabbed Daniel 's arm and pointed . A young buck stood staring at us from around a dozen yards away . He was around four feet from it when he lifted his hand and held it out . After a pause of several seconds , the deer took a slow step forward , halving the distance . Its nose touched his hand , and he began to pet it . I shook my head , yet again amazed at this power Daniel possessed . The telekinesis was something I could understand , a power I 'd seen wielded by more than one individual . But this was something else entirely . It was almost magical . Just then , I noticed that the deer wasn 't the only wild creature to be showing an interest in Daniel . A rabbit was tentatively making its way up to him , and more than the usual number of birds were adorning the limbs of the nearby trees . I had to wonder how many animals would be added to the bunch if Daniel were to stay there for a couple of hours and I was nowhere around . Daniel was bending down to the rabbit when , suddenly , it and the deer bolted away . Several seconds later , we found out why . The white wolf was back , along with its companion . And then I saw that they were not alone . I tensed as five others came into view . My hand slipped into my pocket to rest on the grip of my pistol . It was the white wolf that at last closed the distance , and I pegged it as the leader of the pack . It inched up to Daniel , who was holding his hand out to it . Oh so slowly , it extended its head and sniffed his hand . I don 't know if it was Daniel 's scent or something else , but the wolf apparently decided that my young teammate was a friend . It came the rest of the way up to him and licked his hand . Daniel began petting it . " Yes , I did see . It was pretty darn cool . I bet there are lots of people who would be green with envy . " I gave Daniel a little one - armed hug around the shoulders . " So , you ready to head back home ? I 'm starving . " " Hunters , " I muttered . I 'd hoped that there wouldn 't be any around here . Seeing the way that Daniel 's eyes clouded up , I cursed . What a way for the mood to be ruined . " Come on . We need to get out of here , " I said . " I don 't want to take the chance of one of us getting mistaken for a deer . " We made our way back to the river and followed it upstream . We 'd covered perhaps half the distance to where we 'd crossed when we heard another shot , this one much closer . I started to get worried . Daniel and I were both wearing brown jackets . From a distance , a hunter might see the movement and shoot before making sure it was an animal in their sights . We picked up our pace . The crossing was within sight when there was a third gunshot . Pain blazed through my shoulder , and I was suddenly on the ground , the sound of Daniel 's scream of fear ringing in my ears . My vision greyed out for a moment . When it came back in focus , I saw Daniel kneeling over me , tears swimming in his terrified eyes . " Oh , God . You 're shot . You 're shot , " he cried . The tears spilled over . " Please don 't die , Jack . Please . " " Oh , damn ! " one of them cursed . " Damn , oh damn ! " He hit the other man in the shoulder . " I told you that wasn 't a deer , you idiot ! " " I 've had worse , " I replied , trying to sit up . There was something about these two that had me a little concerned . And then I saw part of a pelt that was peeking out from the backpack of the man who had apparently shot me . It was most definitely not from a deer , and I had to wonder if I 'd had the really bad luck of getting shot by a poacher . There was probably more than one endangered species that lived around here , including those wolves . Trying to hide my suspicion , I asked Daniel to help me sit up . He did so , although I know he saw how much it was hurting me to move . The presence of the gun in my pocket was a comforting weight , but I knew that one injured man with a pistol was no match for two able - bodied men with rifles , especially when the wound was in my right shoulder and would make it necessary to shoot with my left hand if things went sour . I looked down at myself and saw that he was right . The blood had already soaked through the gauze . I didn 't think the bleeding was life - threatening yet , but if I didn 't get to a doctor pretty soon , it could be . Steve , who seemed to be the more level - headed of the two , said , " Come on . Let 's get you to a doctor . Ned , give him a hand . " " He 's got a gun ! " Ned cried , pointing his rifle at me . " Y - you 're a cop or a ranger or something ! You 'll make them throw me in jail ! " All at once , Ned staggered back and fell as if he 'd been struck a powerful blow . My gaze immediately went to Daniel . The boy was glaring at the man , a hard look of determination on his face . I knew that look well . A blood - curdling snarl made all of us turn . Less than twenty feet away , the white wolf stood , teeth bared , golden eyes fixed upon Ned with terrifying intensity . And then we saw a second wolf , followed by another , then another . Soon , all seven members of the pack Daniel befriended were visible . They were no longer the gentle , friendly creatures Daniel had petted . They were now snarling wild beasts - and every single one of them was staring at Ned and Steve . I knew what that meant . Somehow , the wolves had sensed that Daniel was in danger and had come to protect him . My thoughts went back to the video of the Rottweilers attacking the men who were after Daniel . If his influence over animals would drive domestic dogs to attack their own masters in order to protect him , what would it make these wolves do ? I didn 't think I wanted to find out . " Daniel , " I whispered . " I really don 't think you want to see those wolves rip Steve and Ned to bits . Can 't you do something ? " " Then you need to calm down . The wolves can probably sense that you 're scared . They came to protect you , just like those dogs did . You need to calm down and let them know that you 're okay , and everything is fine . " I watched as Daniel made an effort to calm himself , visibly relaxing his stance . I got worried when it looked like it wasn 't going to work . In fact , the wolves had drawn closer . I noticed that they were focusing their gaze mostly upon Steve , whom they probably perceived as the bigger threat since he was on his feet . " Steve , my advice to you would be to get down on the ground , " I told him . " Make yourself look less threatening . And don 't look at them in the eyes . That goes for you , too , Ned . " It seemed to take forever for the man to follow my advice , but he finally got down on one knee . He didn 't let go of the rifle , though . I couldn 't really blame him . Gradually , the wolves began showing signs of reduced aggression . The snarling stopped , and the show of teeth lessened . Finally , they were doing nothing more than staring at the two hunters , although even that was likely more than a bit unnerving to the men . " Okay , Daniel and I are going to get back across the river , " I said . " I 'd suggest that you two stay right where you are until we 're across . Then you can follow us . I doubt the wolves will come across . " Getting across the river wasn 't easy . I was starting to feel weak from blood loss , and the current that hadn 't seemed so bad before now felt like it was going to knock me off my feet . It also didn 't help that we hadn 't put our waders back on . I almost fell a couple of times . How Daniel managed to keep me upright is a mystery . Once we were on the other side , I called to Steve and Ned , telling them to very slowly get to their feet and come across . There was a moment of tension when they got up , and the wolves let out a few growls . But none of the animals appeared to be on the verge of attacking . The two hunters probably covered the distance to the crossing a bit faster than they should have , but , again , I couldn 't really blame them . Ned stumbled and fell a couple of times in his haste to get across the water . He 'd left his rifle behind . " Oh , will you just shut the hell up ? ! " Steve shouted . " This is your own damn fault for shooting at something you couldn 't really see . Your lack of common sense is what put you in jail the first time , and it 's obvious that you didn 't learn anything while you were in there . " We began the long walk back to the car . I fervently hoped that I 'd be able to make it all the way on my feet . I was starting to get a little light - headed . I really wished we 'd brought along better medical supplies . I suspected that I knew the reason for that look . " Okay , let 's put our cards on the table . I saw that pelt in Ned 's backpack , and I 'm guessing that it belonged to an animal that you shouldn 't have been hunting . I don 't really care about that right now . All I care about is me and Daniel getting to safety . If you help us , I promise you that we won 't say a word about your poaching . " " No . We just hadn 't planned on shooting something that 's out of season when we got here , " he said . " But I swear we didn 't shoot anything that 's endangered . " ' No , you just shoot people , and they 're not an endangered species , ' thought I . ' Although , if we get many more people like Ned running around with guns , that could soon change . ' This time , I chose keep my mouth shut and not speak my thoughts aloud . We stopped , and Steve lowered me to a sitting position , my back against a tree . Ned began rummaging around in his backpack . I saw Daniel frown at the sight of the pelt the man had pulled out , which I now recognized belonged to a black bear . Thankfully , he was wise enough not to say anything , though I 'm betting that Ned felt the weight of that disapproving stare . I 'd been subjected to that stare more than once in my life , so I knew how it felt . Even coming from a teenaged Daniel , it probably felt pretty heavy . " Ned 's not a bad guy . He 's just not very bright , and he tends to get worked up easily . I don 't think he would have shot you again . And in case you 're wondering , he isn 't violating his parole by carrying a rifle . His parole ended last month . " The rest of us turned , and I caught a glimpse of white through the trees . The wolves were shadowing us . I was amazed that they 'd actually crossed the river so that they could watch over Daniel and make sure he was safe . " It 's all right . They won 't hurt you , " Daniel assured the man . " If they were going to kill you , they 'd already have done it . " " You know , I 've been hunting in this area for quite a few years , " Steve remarked , " and I 've never seen wolves acting like this before . In fact , I 've rarely ever even seen one . They usually stay away from people , especially anyone carrying a gun . " " Is that so ? " I responded nonchalantly . If these guys came to suspect the reason for the actions of the wolves , there could be some trouble . Not that many people would believe them . Who would believe that a pack of wild wolves came rushing to the rescue of a lone human boy ? Even so , I could already hear what the guys in charge of the Stargate Program would say . By the time we got to the car , Steve was having to support quite a bit of my weight . Every time Daniel looked at me , I saw fear in his eyes . I knew he was afraid that I was going to die . I assured him more than once that I was going to be all right . Steve , Ned and I were all on one side of the car , Daniel on the other when the wolf pack leader decided to come up and say goodbye to him . Or maybe it was just looking for some assurance that he really was all right . Either way , the sight of that wild wolf walking right up to Daniel and nuzzling his leg had Steve 's and Ned 's jaws nearly hitting the ground . Of course Daniel being Daniel , he couldn 't just ignore it , so he knelt right down and stroked its fur , receiving a lick on the nose . The wolf I was pretty sure was the alpha female came up and got in a lick or two of its own . I was afraid that the entire pack would get in on the goodbyes , but , thankfully , they didn 't . That might have proved too much for Ned and Steve to handle . As it was , their eyes were threatening to pop right out of their sockets . " I suppose you fellas are wondering about those wolves , " I began . " The fact is that they were raised in captivity as part of a program to increase the wild population . Daniel here is part of the program and personally helped raise them . They 're pretty fond of him , as you could see . That 's probably also why they nearly attacked you . They saw you as a threat to him and were just trying to protect him . " " Yep , that does explain things , " Steve said at last . I had to wonder if he 'd bought the story or was just playing along . " It must have been tough for you to release them into the wild , Daniel . " To his credit , Daniel didn 't hesitate in his reply . " Um , yeah , it was . I hope they don 't get shot by somebody . They 're an endangered species here . " He looked pointedly at the two hunters . The bullet wasn 't in very deep , so it was removed just with a local anesthetic . Because of the blood loss , the doctor wanted me to stay in one of their rooms overnight , but I knew that wouldn 't be possible . Instead , I promised him that I 'd rest for the remainder of the day . Because of the shooting , our vacation was going to have to be cut short , which made me feel bad for Daniel . As vacations went , this one had turned out to be a bust . I suppose I could look on the bright side , though . This little adventure had probably driven all other thoughts and feelings right out of Daniel . " I know what you 're thinking , sir , and trust me when I say that getting shot by a hunter was not on my list of activities for this vacation , " I told him . I had not said anything about the incident with the wolves . The restrictions upon Daniel were already so tight that I was afraid if the bigwigs found out about this latest event , they might never allow him to leave the mountain again . We 'd purchased some clothes and other necessities , so we were all set in that regard , but we needed to be careful that none of the people who saw Daniel this afternoon would be around to see him tomorrow . Most people might not notice his increase in height unless they 'd been paying close attention , but his hair was another matter . What with my arm in a sling , I wouldn 't be able to give him a haircut in the morning , so his hair would be quite noticeably longer . I was glad that I 'd brought along a baseball cap for him to wear in case of emergency . " I appreciate that , Daniel , but I know that , if our situations were reversed , you 'd do the same thing for me . Telling the higher - ups is just going to cause a lot more problems and make things even harder for you . So , it 'll be our secret , all right ? Nobody else will know . " That fact had slipped my mind . I wondered now why Ned didn 't say anything . It was doubtful that he 'd figured out it was Daniel who pushed him , but he couldn 't be so stupid as to not know that something strange had happened . All we could do was hope that he kept his mouth shut . The TV program came back on , and I returned my attention to it . Glancing at Daniel , however , revealed that he was no longer watching . Instead , he was staring at the hands in his lap . I got the remote and turned off the TV . Daniel didn 't reply for a moment . " I was really scared , " he murmured . " When you got shot , I thought you were going to die . " I sighed silently . It had been a while since Daniel said anything about losing loved ones . He 'd stopped talking about his parents quite some time ago . But it was clear that deep inside him was the fear that he 'd lose still more people he cared about . " You know I can 't promise you that none of us will die , Daniel , " I finally said . " Sooner or later everyone dies . But you have to know that you will never be alone . It 's not like it was before . You will always have someone who loves you . You have a whole base full of people who care about you . " I put on a smile . " Now I don 't want you thinking about these things anymore . Technically , we 're still on vacation , so we 're supposed to be having fun , bullet wound or no bullet wound . Okay ? " " For keeping Ned from shooting me . He probably wouldn 't have anyway , but we can 't really be sure . You might have saved my life back there . " She smiled . " I can 't believe how much you 've grown ! " Her smile got bigger . " Fourteen years old . Wow . In just a few more days , you 'll be getting back memories of college . I bet that 's exciting . " I was a little surprised by her answer . I 'd been trying for years to get Carter to take some time off and come enjoy the great outdoors , but she always said that it wasn 't her thing . I looked over at the teenaged boy who was our teammate . But that was before Daniel was turned into a child . That event and these weeks of watching him grow up had affected all of us in a lot of ways , and I 'd like to think it was for the better . I know that I 've learned to enjoy life more , to let myself go and have more fun , and I think that both Carter and Teal ' c have as well . And there certainly wasn 't anything wrong with that . As we loaded the last of the stuff in the car , we all heard the distant sound of a lone wolf howling . It was joined by a chorus of others . Daniel gazed off into the woods , probably thinking about the lupine friends he 'd made . 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I just talked to Fred , and he had a nice Sunday in Denver . They went to REI , a great Mexican restaurant and an outdoor oriented coffee shop . He was impressed with the REI store and wished he could have used their climbing wall . It seems like he is doing well with taking a rest when he needs to , especially when his shoulder starts acting up . He also wants to stay on the schedule he has set up for himself and gets worried when he is not back at the time he said he would be back by . The hospital had told me it 's not a problem if you are later then when you said you would be back , but I take it as a good sign that Fred is paying attention to details like what time it is and when he said he would return . Kalyn and I went out to breakfast with a friend this morning and then our neighbors took their daughter and Kalyn on a hike . I had a couple of weekend hours to myself to pack for our California trip tomorrow and stabilize the German Müller - Thurgau wine that I had started brewing before our lives got turned upside down . We made it last year and enjoyed it , and even though Fred isn 't able to drink it right now , I 'm looking forward to the end of July and August when it will be ready . You are all welcome to come over and have some with me and visit with Fred at that time ! I am really looking forward to going to California tomorrow , spending the week with my family and focusing on my sister 's wedding . I feel like it will be both relaxing and therapeutic for me . I know I 've said this before , but it bears repeating because it doesn 't seem like it is happening enough for me lately . What a difference a good night of sleep makes ! I only had a half hour in the night where the dog woke me up and I dealt with him and was able to fall back asleep , and Kalyn even slept in ! My outlook on life is so different today ! I feel like I can handle what I need to and let go of what will be too much . I can see that I 'm off the fast lane in life and feel good about that . The recipe is 31 years of trying to be an overachiever , a husband in a traumatic accident , a month of turmoil , one good night of sleep , and suddenly I feel acceptance . Please don 't take this as a promise because tomorrow I 'll probably be falling apart again ! I went to the pool today with my friend and her daughter who is Kalyn 's best bud . Usually Fred is with us whenever we go to the pool , but it didn 't feel like we were leaving him out because it worked out to be a girl 's morning , and we had a fun time . We met up with Tom , Mamar ( Tom 's mom ) and Jim ( Mamar 's husband ) for lunch . They bought Kalyn a new jigsaw puzzle , and she was happily occupied with that for an hour . Kalyn has become a puzzle master in the last month . I talked to Fred last night around 9 and this afternoon around 3 . What a difference in him when he is rested too . When I 'm tired , I 'm sure people can hear how overwhelmed I am . When Fred is tired , I can hear the brain injury , but when he is rested , he sounds like himself . This afternoon he sounded like himself . His mom and step dad took him to the Body Exhibit today . He said it was very interesting and bought a book on keeping the brain healthy and active . His plan is to donate it to the fire department , and I told him that 's fine after he is done studying the entire thing ! Fred is missing another family event today . My brother 's graduation is today , and these situations magnify for me that he is missing out while he is in rehab . We missed his sister 's graduation earlier in the month , and I canceled his flight for my sister 's wedding today . The silver lining in the fact that he is missing these events is that he will be here with us for future events and celebrations . I had realized before the accident that Fred and I were a good team , but his temporary absence makes me appreciate all the things he does . Today Fred was going on an outing with the therapists to walk along some canal and have lunch . I haven 't heard yet how it went , but I know doing little things that feel like a normal life are important to him right now . Even going to the grocery store can be exciting when you 're stuck in a hospital / rehab day and night . The occupational therapist had asked Fred what our division of labor was at home . He was honest with her and said I do most of the day to day cooking , and he told her I get mad at him if he starts a load of laundry because that 's all he does is start it . Then it sits in the washer until I discover it moldy and smelly . I think I 'll have a talk with the OT and see if she can work in the therapy to have him be better at household chores when he comes home ! It 's my first weekend being home since the accident . I feel a little guilty enjoying being away for the weekend . I miss seeing Fred and having Kalyn and Fred visit , but I don 't miss being inundated with emotions as you see other people that weren 't as fortunate as Fred to come out of their accidents with the potential of returning to their prior lives . I am so thankful that Fred gets to be there to do his rehab because I can see that it is one of the best places in the country to be , but I 'm a dangerous combination of a curious person with very thin skin , so I walk around the halls overwhelmed with what everyone else is going through . Being home is good , but it 's another reality that everyone else still has a life that tPosted by I started off the day feeling down at it took me looking at the calender to realize that Fred 's bike accident was on the 27th of April . After my dad died , I would notice how anniversaries would creep up and I would feel them emotionally before I would realize the relation to the date . Last night I was turning off the sprinklers in the dark , mad about doing something Fred would normally take care of . Then in the middle of the night the dog started freaking out , probably because the bear that was in the neighborhood the night before was back again , and I got frustrated about Fred not being here . Fred has always been my protector and kept me safe , but I 'm learning how to be strong for myself in this process . This morning I had coffee with Jody , a woman whose husband was hit by a car while he was bicycling almost 2 years ago , and it felt so good to connect with someone who had shared the same experience . Their injuries are completely different , but she has been the whole process and seen the other side . It felt so supportive to talk to a spouse that has survived all the trauma that we remember but the patient forgets . Today I realized a mistake I had made at work . It 's nothing that can 't be corrected , but I really don 't like making mistakes and overlooking things . I feel like I 'm overlooking about 80 percent of my life right now . My life has been reduced to feeling a sense of accomplishment if I keep our daughter safe and fed by the end of the day . The pets usually get fed on a regular basis too , and my next focus is remembering to bathe our daughter . Fred has been taking any kind of encouragement from his doctors and thoughts from his therapists , like referring to him as a short - timer , as a sign that his discharge date is being moved up . Today he was talking to me about dates , when I get back from the wedding , when his dad is leaving and was saying they were talking about a meeting for Tuesday to possibly change the date he can come home . I called the case worker after I got off the phone with him , and he doesn 't have Posted by It cracks me up how much I fought moving to this town as a teenager many years ago . My parents had decided to move there , and when I came to visit in the middle of February from southern California , it seemed like such a small little town that I didn 't want to move with them . I even worked out a plan to stay one more year in California and live with a teacher while I finished out the last year of the school I was attending . The plan was for me to spend the month of August here and go back to California at the end of the summer for school . My sister , whom I had never been close with growing up , had the same plan . Suddenly , she and I were 10 miles out of town with just our parents and our two year old little brother , half camping , while our dad built the house . It was an amazing month , full of good family stories , but , by the end of August , I had an amazing connection with my sister , and both of us didn 't want to go back to California for school . Through many tears and lots of drama , we both stayed . Other than one semester abroad in college , I haven 't left since . Every time I travel and come back into town , I always have this sense of home and being so thankful for living here . For as much as I fought the move to this town , it certainly has a hold on me . There are so many small communities and groups that mix up and make this community such a wonderful place to live . Both Fred and I have always felt this amazing pull keeping us in here . Fred has always been better than me at being social and joining various groups like volunteering for search and rescue and the fire department and playing in a band , to name a few . After having a child , I must admit to some grumblings from me about the amount of time he has been gone being a part of organizations outside of the home on top of working 40 + hours a week at his day job . Now all I can say is how full I am from eating all of my previous complaints because of the amount of energy , time and money these places are putting towards helping us . It didn 't take this accident for me Posted by Yesterday Fred was sent to the grocery store with his occupational therapist to shop for the patient cooking day . Since he is the former chef of the group , he was put in charge . They had decided on a menu of burgers , potato salad and a dessert . Today was the actual cooking day , and Fred did a good job of managing the kitchen between the other patient / cooks and figuring out where it would be easier to just do something himself . I wish I could have been there to watch the whole experience ! When I saw Fred 's primary doctor on Monday , he was asking me if I could see a big difference in Fred after being gone for almost a week . My answer was yes , but really now that Fred 's physical trauma is healing , I can see more of the brain injury . The first few weeks he was tired and in so much pain from everything that was trying to heal on his body besides the brain , that I could ignore everything else because who can really focus or be that attentive when you have a lot of pain . Now I can see how is slowed down a little and needs to spend the time right now at rehab and getting better . I 'm trying to face my day to day life which includes trying to remember Fred coming home not being easy , especially for me , insurance billing confusion and a two year old that tells me that daddy is getting better at the hospital . She is a princess obsessed little girl , so we have a plethora of magic wands in the house , and I 'm still looking for the one that actually works ! Everyone has been wonderful wanting to help , but what I really need is a way to shut my brain off from the hours of 1 - 3 a . m . and let me sleep . It has officially been 4 weeks since the accident , and it is amazing to look back and see how far Fred has come . He has made amazing progress week by week , but the future is still so uncertain and scary for me . I can still hold on to my belief that this whole experience will be a positive one for us in the long run even while I am gripped with terror from my life being turned upside down and scattered . It 's a pretty wild ride to feel such Posted by I have a tendency to either cry or laugh in stressful situations . It really isn 't my nature to get angry , and often when I am given nasty news I get emotional but then just find it hilarious . I probably look a bit crazy at times laughing when things are not going well , but I take it as my body 's defense mechanism . What a day today . . . I woke up emotional because Kalyn and I were leaving and won 't see Fred for at least two weeks . We got Fred and had breakfast together , and as we are sitting there , Tom gets an email that the house we had rented to stay at for my sister 's wedding was a scam . I felt awful when I heard that news . I had been looking forward to staying at the house and having Emily 's bridal shower and the rehearsal dinner there . The thought of having to tell my sister about it made me feel awful . She is less than two weeks away from her wedding , and I remember the nerves of the final weeks before the wedding . At his first class the case worker , Melissa , wanted to meet with me . She is an amazing advocate for us and basically does all of the arguing with the insurance company and applies for anything and everything for us that might help . I told her I had already started receiving things from the insurance company and also told her I got a bill from the Denver ambulance company that transported Fred from the airport . She told me to bring everything to her , and she would work on it . I went back to the apartment and opened all of the pieces of mail I had brought with me but hadn 't felt like opening yet . The ambulance ride wasn 't * that * expensive for an 11 mile trip , but there was also a bill from the medical flight that took us to Denver . I feel like we should own the plane we flew on for the cost of that bill ! When I opened that one , I just started laughing - it says it was submitted to the insurance company . I hope they work out a deal on that one . We said our goodbyes to Fred and were off to the airport . I am getting better at navigating the airport with too much luggage and a toddler , and it helped that the Posted by Being here on the weekends has been a big lesson for me in slowing down . A weekend for us was always packed with getting house projects done and both of us getting out to get some exercise . It felt like we did a lot of tag team parenting on the weekend days so we could each get things done and then we would all spend the evenings together . Now there aren 't unfinished projects or a dirty house staring us in the face , and the pace has slowed down considerably . Here 's a little glimpse of our weekend days : Kalyn is an early riser , so we spend a little time in the apartment until around 8 when Fred is getting up . We pick him up some juice and fruit to take his meds with and give him a 2 year old wake up visit . There is no such thing as get up and rush out of the hospital . We have to wait for the nurse to bring his morning meds by , and getting dressed is slower when you have broken ribs , scapula and clavicle . We head over to the apartment and have a little breakfast and coffee . Today we went out to breakfast at a local place with some friends that live nearby . To try and wear Kalyn out so she will nap , I like to take her to a park . There are numerous parks nearby . Kalyn describes parks by the color of their equipment , so today we went to the green park . It is funny and a little frustrating at the park because Fred seems overly cautious about Kalyn 's safety at the park . He is worried about her falling off things that she is completely capable of doing on her own , yet he doesn 't see that he can 't do everything . I 'm happy when I get Kalyn to take a nap , and it 's a good time for Fred to rest while she sleeps . Naptime is a wonderful time for me to have some real quiettime . The afternoons are generally mellow in the apartment and then we figure something out for dinner . I think tonight will be Whole Foods ! That 's about it . Quite a different pace than what we are used to at home , but slowing down in life is not a bad thing , and when I feel myself getting frustrated that something is taking so long , I have to realize that there isPosted by I had a realization last night that I was setting myself up for another major disappointment . At least this time I caught it before it was a major blow . People have told me that even after Fred gets out it is going to be a tough process getting readjusted back at home and that I will need help . I realized I had been ignoring that and assuming once they released him from inpatient care that he would be ready to get back to his regular day to day schedule . It 's hard to get a real answer out of anyone around here on time frames because they either don 't know or they don 't want to tell you one thing , have it not happen and have you sue them . Tom was finally able to get someone to talk to him about a possible scenario on Fred getting back home , getting to work and his old schedule . Her input was to start thinking about the long term in seasons , not weeks or months . I know we will look back on this time years later and it will feel like it flew by , but that was a wake up call for me and what my expectations had been . I am very thankful someone could finally give us an idea of what we might be facing because it made me realize I needed to change my expectations or just let go of them completely . I haven 't brought this up with Fred at all because he needs to focus on being here and getting better and as we get closer to him coming home we can start talking about how that will be . Today Fred told me how astounded he is with the amount of support and help we have gotten from everyone . He told me he is going to be paying people back for the rest of his life . I tried to tell him that everyone is just happy he is still here and doing so well . Then he gave me the greatest gift and told me that he couldn 't have done all of this without me and he owes me the most . That was all I needed to hear from him and made me love him even more . I was never keeping score , but just saying that made it all worthwhile . Kalyn and I flew back to Denver today to be with Fred for the weekend . I am such a cheap person that I will do anything to not check a bag if they are going to make me pay . I already had to pay for my two year old 's seat , so I 'm allowed 4 carry - ons , right ? Too bad I tried that on the way down and nearly broke my back and had a breakdown in the middle of the airport since I also had a clingy toddler and a car seat to haul . This time I decided I was being smart , so I packed light , for me , and only brought one wheeled bag to check plane side , a heavy backpack , a shoulder bag , and the toddler and car seat . We did better in the sense I could manage on my own at least , but I was asked about 20 times if someone could carry something for me . I really need to work on my initial instinct to say no ! The walk to the gate in Durango is not bad , but I need another massage after walking the entire length of DIA . I know I still have one more solo flight scheduled with Kalyn and my ( too ) many bags , but I am realizing I don 't want to make a habit of this . I am grateful to know that Fred will be back traveling with me eventually and helping with the bags ! Once again Kalyn was a trooper on the plane and did great through the airport . Fred 's mom and step dad got in last night and picked us up from the airport . I thought we were going to miss Fred as he was being picked up for his afternoon appointment with a neuro - opthamologist doctor , but they were late picking him up and we got to spend about 15 minutes with him . It was great for Fred to see Kalyn , and his mom and step dad got to see him and chat with him for awhile . No matter what I say here , being able to see Fred really helps people believe that he is going to be fine , so I was happy his mom finally got that peace of mind . When we walked in he was up and about walking around his room and getting packed to go to move to the East wing . The notice we had received the week prior was a mix up and he is just now getting moved over to the East wing , but he will be in a shared suite with anPosted by Tom came into my life when I was about 4 years old . I tested him and fought him being a part of our lives as any headstrong 4 year old would with a new man in her mom 's life . He has since proved himself to be such a strong father figure and friend in my life time and time again , and this recent experience has been the most meaningful . The afternoon of the accident , standing in the ER , figuring out going to Denver with Fred and my mom taking Kalyn was decided fairly quickly , and Tom immediately offered to get on the last commercial flight out since there was no room on the medical flight . We have had so much support from so many family and friends since the accident , but the way Tom has put his regular life aside to be there for myself and Fred has been extrodinary . The first week , and even now , I was in such a whirlwind of emotions and lack of sleep . Not only did I have someone there to drive me around , keep me fed and cry with , but Tom was always there to ask the important questions to the doctors and be Fred 's advocate and encourage me to get away . These past few days being home has been very restful and therapuetic for both myself and Kalyn . I was given some very good advice this week to not listen to my mind when it is freaking out and can 't handle the situation , to find space within myself and lead with my heart . My mind is what wants to plan and figure things out , but my heart will always know what to do and go with grace . After I was told this , I realized how much Tom has been able to be there for Fred and myself with just his heart . The first week , we spent about 12 hours a day sitting at the hospital while nurses and doctors came and went and Fred mostly slept . If you had asked me a month ago if Tom could have sat in the hospital doing pretty close to nothing all day long , I would have told that would have driven him crazy . But this entire time he has been patient , loving and there to help myself and Fred in any way he can . Having Tom be there and not leave me alone to deal with anything but also know when IPosted by It 's been on my mind a lot lately about Fred coming home and getting back to all of the things he loves . He has already stated that he is going to want to get right back on his bike , and lamenting the fact that how did he get so hurt doing something not that extreme . I have to battle with my protective instincts and know that he will need to get back on his bike and be active because that is who he is , and it makes him the man I love . I didn 't know Fred when he was in an avalanche on Engineer Mountain in 1995 , but I was in Durango and remember hearing about it . I know that he got back within a year and climbed that same mountain again . I think it was one of the things that really drew me to him in the beginning , knowing he could come back from something like that and not let fear run his life . Some of you know , but he proposed to me on Engineer Mountain , on Memorial Day , two days after he did the citizens ride with me for Iron Horse . He could have raced it , but he spent the day with me struggling up the passes , and two days later he made me climb to the top of Engineer to propose . I had no idea and didn 't feel up for going to the top , but he talked me into it and surprised me up top ! I have no doubt that Fred will make a full recovery , no matter how long it takes . I also have such a strong feeling that no matter how hard this experience can be right now , day to day , we will come out of it stronger and see it as a blessing . I know Fred will get back on his bike , play the guitar , climb mountains , be an active member of both Durango Fire and Rescue and Search and Rescue , work hard in his career , be a wonderful father and husband and do whatever new things he chooses to pick up in his life . Fred is not one to sit around . We have gone on vacations where I am perfectly happy to sit on the beach in the sun , but he pushes me to do things like scuba diving , exploring and stay active . I had to laugh as he was just starting to wake up and be himself ; things that would have annoyed me in the past , made me overjoyed to see my FrePosted by Three weeks ago right now I got an email from Fred at work with a quick by the way update letting me know what time he would be home from work . He did not mention in his email he was heading out on a bike ride . He doesn 't remember even leaving work to go on his bike ride , but I 'm assuming he sent that email and went and changed and got on his bike . Obviously everything changed about an hour later , but here we are three weeks later . It is a little strange being home today , trying to have a regular day and not think about that afternoon phone call I got from the ER . I thought I would try and explain better where Fred is at today , three weeks later . He is walking , talking , reading , writing and carrying on normal conversations . He remembers everyone and can go through the exact steps of how to tend to a newborn as an EMT in an emergency situation ( one therapist had him go over this ) . There are definitely points in the day where he seems completely normal and ready to bring him home , but there are also times that you know his brain still needs time to heal . It is especially hard on me that the part of his brain that was injured is the part that would understand he is still not 100 % and he doesn 't see when something is difficult for him . I 'm glad I am getting a break because as his wife , he 's trying to get me on his side to check him out of there , and there 's only so many times a day I can have that conversation with him . He struggles with short term memory loss at times , but for the most part these days he can recall what happened the day before . His response time slows down throughout the day if he is tired or the situation is getting more complicated . The therapists are working with him on things like reading and answering questions while there are conversations going on around him . Since Fred doesn 't think he is injured at all , he doesn 't notice when his balance makes him drift off to the right while he is walking . He thinks he could run 3 miles if he had to right now and pass all the field sobriety tests a cop would Posted by Kalyn and I came home for a few days today . It was a little hard to leave , but now that we are here , it feels right . I wasn 't thinking when I booked an 8 : 15 flight by myself with a 2 year old , but we survived with the help of a lot of strangers . Kalyn had a rough night last night with the biggest meltdown so far as I was trying to focus on wrapping a few things up and she was exhausted from not really napping that afternoon . It wasn 't the best night of sleep , but we all got some sleep and up at 5 : 30 to get ready to go to the airport . I was a sight to be seen going into the airport because I had a 2 year old in pjs and slippers , four carry on bags plus a car seat . I got one of the push carts , but apparently you can only take those up to security ? When the security guy told me that , I said " ok " with probably a very bewildered look on my face because his next question was " do you need some help ? " I should have used Fred 's response for when someone asks me if I want some wine , " is the pope catholic ? " Instead I was feeling emotional and just said yes and kept my tears at bay . We got through security without upsetting too many Monday morning business travelers and timed it perfectly to be waiting with a nice older lady that needed a ride in the cart , so we were able to hitch a ride on that and made it to our gate on time without me losing anything , including my temper ! Fred called to check in at lunch . He still sounds quiet and subdued , but said everything is going well . I told him to keep working hard so he can get home as soon as possible . He said it will be a long week without us up there , but I think we all need it . It 's great to be home and see what everyone has been taking care of for us . We definitely feel very loved ! Fred and I shouldn 't be surprised that our daughter is so stubborn . Usually we try and blame it on the other , but she obviously got it from both of us . I think it can be a good trait , but sometimes someone else knows better than you , like your mom or your doctors . I finally won the stubborn battle with Kalyn and got her to take her nap . Fred 's stubborn battle is that he thinks the doctors are wrong and he should be able to go home tomorrow . I spent yesterday evening and this morning discussing with him how I want him to be home too , but he is not ready and it will be better if he spends more time here . He has the doctors and therapists fooled around here because he goes along with what they are asking him to do , and then he comes to me at the end of the day and tells me how ridiculous it is . He also can 't see when he is having a hard time with something . He will tell you he had to do a stupid computer came with 1970s graphics , but he doesn 't see that it was difficult for him as it got more complicated . Kalyn and I got him this morning and had bagels together , and then we went to a school park that is in walking distance . I had to argue with Fred about his ability to play with Kalyn on the equipment , and I finally won because he takes her safety seriously and that wasn 't a fair choice for me to have to make about who I can keep from falling . In the end , we were able to have a nice family outing with some sunshine and fresh air , and I got a good workout pushing Fred and Kalyn in the wheelchair . It 's amazing what a good night 's sleep can do for your ability to cope with change . Last night we took Fred out to a great thai restaurant right across from the hospital , and we all enjoyed feeling slightly normal being out . I was able to get a really good night of sleep last night . I woke up feeling refreshed which was a good thing because we got served another curve ball this morning . Fred will be moving to the east wing on Monday , which is a good thing for his recovery because it means he is less of a medical patient and just focusing on rehab and moving towards independence and going home . The down side is we have to move out of the apartment and move in with him , so we will be living in a hospital too . Even though it felt like unexpected news that I wasn 't ready for , I felt much better at going with it and not getting upset . I do see that among the many lessons we will learn from this , being more flexible and being able to roll with whatever comes our way is going to be a big one ! Today we took Fred out for a haircut and then I left Kalyn for nap time and got a massage . I might have to sign up for those once a week for awhile ! Some friends from Boulder came over for a visit this afternoon , and we had a great time catching up with them . Fred is having a hard time contemplating being here until the end of June . He forgets a little but then will be reminded and wants to argue himself out of here . Not being able to go to my sister 's wedding at the begining of June upsets him , and he 's trying to convince me he should be able to go home sooner than what the doctors say . I agree with him that I want him to get through this quickly , but I also see that him coming home right now would not be a good thing . This morning I woke up still feeling really raw emotionally , so I stayed at the apartment and got work done . It felt good to actually accomplish something , and then I took Kalyn to a nearby park because the sun was finally out . There were a couple of other girls close to her age there , and she had fun playing with some kids and being outside in the sun . We came back to have lunch with Fred , and it sounded like he had a good morning of classes . Tom and I are now approved to let him take walks around the east and west wings or around the apartment . The next level of clearance for us will be driving in the car , but I think they need to train us on how to break down the wheelchair first . One of the main things they talked about in the meeting yesterday is the area of his brain that had the injury is the part of the brain that would comprehend that he is hurt and not 100 percent yet . He already tried to push the limits last night of what he is allowed to do by himself . Everything here is very safety oriented , and they are only trying to avoid having him fall and hit his head again . Hopefully he will understand that he needs to play by the rules so they don 't have to put restrictions on him . He is almost done with his last class for the day , and then the weekend is all free time . There is a barbershop in walking distance that we were thinking we could take him to , and we heard there is a great thai restaurant in walking distance as well , so maybe we 'll all go out to eat ! Fred was so bright eyed and up beat today . He knew and understood about the meeting today . Tom told me he even put in an extra shave in before his last class before the meeting , and he said something to me about being able to impress them and get out of here sooner rather than later . I had been holding in my mind Fred getting discharged in the beginning of June , so hearing June 25th as a tentative date really took the wind out of my sails . I broke down in the meeting as soon as the doctor said that date . Even though I know no one is leaving me alone , my husband , my partner , the father of our child , is not going to be there for me . No matter how much help I get from all of you , I will always want him back to whatever " normal " was before even if that was a place where I would get annoyed from not getting as much help from Fred on the parenting front as I would have liked . I had to go through some anger at Fred today for putting me through this . Even as I felt anger , I know that it is also hard on him to think about being here for so long and what we are all going through . I can 't help but relate to the emotional turmoil that I 'm sure my dad went through just over 3 years ago , and I have such a huge fear related to that of Fred getting depressed and ashamed of what he is going through . The doctors were very encouraging for me to go home and get some normalcy in my life and Kalyn 's . I feel like that has been one of the scariest things for me to face because it is supposed to be " normal " but it won 't be while he is up here or even after he comes home . It is like I am on some weird vacation that isn 't really fun , but it 's far enough removed that I can also look forward to getting back home to a regular life . This blog has been such a good way for me to vent and release my frustrations , knowing that so many people that care about us are listening . I 'm not very good at completely letting go emotionally to anyone , so this allows me to let go on my own , but share with all of you what I 'm going through . Fred 's brain injury makePosted by We had the family meeting today with all of Fred 's doctors and therapists . It went well in that they all had positive things to say about him and the progress he has made . The hardest part for me was when they brought up the tentative discharge date of June 25 . I realized I had been holding onto a quick recovery and discharge . I know in the long run it is the best thing for him to maximize his time here and get the most out of it he can , but it is just one more adjustment for me in a long line of emotional adjustments I have gone through since the accident . The doctors recommend stepping away and giving Fred more independence and space to start doing things himself while he is here . It will be hard to find the balance of being here with him and being home , but at the moment , I have no energy to figure anything out . It has been two weeks since the accident , and I am feeling the strain and emotional exhaustion while Fred is starting to wake up and be more alert and in less pain . His therapy is going well . He was up and walking the halls for about 15 minutes with a normal stride and looking good . His testing for speech therapy was finished today , and he is doing well . They want to work on his concentration and speed of processing information , but it all seemed like things that can be worked on and improved with time . I have not noticed anything so far that seems like it would be impossible to overcome with time and hard work . The neuropsychologist is looking into Fred being able to sit in on some of the EMT courses at Swedish when he is processing information a little faster . This morning Fred was not as interested in following the safety rules of having someone help him . I can see we are about to enter a new stage of therapy where he might disagree with being here . It is also a good sign that he is starting to heal but doesn 't mean he is ready to go home . Yesterday afternoon was tough . We were all tired , and Kalyn did not take a nap , so the evening only got worse . I was feeling overwhelmed as my to do list kept getting longer and no break from a very needy Kalyn . We went to the grocery store in the afternoon to break it up a little , but by the evening I was spent and just wanted my husband back to normal . Not that I don 't have nights like that at home between trainings and meetings and busy schedules , but the two week accumulation was taking its toll on me . I was still feeling that way when I woke up this morning , but seeing Fred doing so well this morning helped lift my spirits . I still believe the universe will not give you more than you can handle , but I do feel like I 've come very close to the line of what I can handle many times in the past two weeks . We will still have evenings that are off , and I 'll make it through as long as there are positive times between the tough times . It rained here yesterday afternoon and eveningPosted by Fred is either having very selective memory loss about how long we are going to be here , or he is just choosing to ignore the truth . He keeps thinking he 'll be back home by the weekend and be ready to go back to work . He is making progress , and his balance is improving . His sarcasm is still doing very well . This morning Kalyn crawled into Fred 's bed and helped him eat his breakfast . She is her father 's daughter and loves bacon . There is a little grill kitchen on Fred 's floor of the hospital that cooks up one specific thing for each meal , and it is at least a step or two above hospital food . The bacon comes in nice thick slabs , and Kalyn and Fred are enjoying that . Kalyn loves to help push her Daddy and push the buttons on the elevator . Fred had his EEG today . He said he got in trouble for rubbing his head during the hour long test . His direct quote had a lot more sarcasm in it which I can 't exactly recall . Fred can joke around so much that sometimes it is hard to tell if he is being serious or just sarcastic . Most times I blame it on sarcasm . He does get confused at times , especially when he first wakes up he says some random things , but that usually just makes me laugh even though they aren 't funny things . My emotional reaction is to laugh first and cry later . Fred is missing his guitar and ready to play . Once his shoulder heals a little more , playing will be a nice way for him to not get bored and do something he enjoys . He has on his Fender shirt today and the equipment guy in the PT room saw him and said " I knew you played guitar ! " I am feeling a litte scattered today , but that may be related to getting up at 5 : 30 this morning . I was able to sneak away from Kalyn while she was still asleep and get some exercise and be back before she woke up . Her mama - radar is on high alert right now , so last night when I disappeared for a few minutes to get the laundry out of the dryer she had a full on meltdown . My mom and brother went back home today which was emotional for me , but also good that they can get back to somewhat Posted by I 'm crying as I write again today , but not tears of frustration , just thankful tears for all of your love and support . Fred is an amazing man , and always gives so much of himself , and it is so beautiful to see that all coming back to help him . He sees it , knows it , and completely appreciates it . As our daughter puts it so well in her two year old mindset of " I can do it by myself . " I can 't ever wonder where she gets that from because both Fred and I do everything we can to not ask for help . It has been amazing these past two weeks because we haven 't ever had to ask for help , whatever we need is there for us , and I can 't wait to give each of you big hugs and bring Fred home to see all of you . Fred got to take a bath last night , and soaking in the hot water really helped loosen up his tight muscles and joints as well as relax , so he had a good night of sleep last night . He needed the rest because today has been a busy day . He was booked from 9 - 12 with his therapies , and all the therapists could see a difference in his alertness and how well he does when he is awake and not focusing on pain . Fred passed his post traumatic amnesia test this morning which was a test he had to correctly answer a certain percentage of a series of the same questions 3 days in a row . He doesn 't remember the accident at all or even going out to go on a ride , but I think that might be a good thing . Kalyn is still having separation anxiety from me , but she does fine once she gets away and starts doing fun . I went with Fred to a few of his morning classes , and we are both impressed by the staff and what the facility has to offer . Today we toured the Therapeutic Recreational Room which has everything from games , movies , art or gardening supplies to a pool table or foosball . During his lunch break I brought him to the apartment and a few of our friends that he works with were there to visit . He was happy to see them and already talking about stopping by the Denver office to say hello . Fred had an hour class after lunch and then an appointment withPosted by Today Fred and I both woke up with a big of the case of the grumpies . He 's tired of being sore , tight , in pain and in the hospital . I tend to set myself up for disappointment on holidays that are supposed to be , in my mind , " all about me " i . e . my birthday and mother 's day . Even though I know these are really extenuating circumstances , it doesn 't stop me from waking up this morning and just thinking " this sucks . " Then a good dose of guilt comes up for even thinking that because you see a lot of less fortunate people around here , but I guess I just have needed to throw myself a pity party for most of the day . For as lucky as we are , it doesn 't take away from the fact that this really does suck at times . It 's hard for me to share that with all of you . I have gotten so many comments about how strong I have been , and I am able to hold on to that for about 80 % of the time , but this is never something anyone asks for or wishes to go through . I apologize for the downer post , but I think I need to vent these emotions a little too . My mom is up here this weekend , so it is good to spend Mother 's Day with her , but of course I feel guilty for not doing anything for her or all the moms in my life . She 's here supporting me , and I 'm an emotional basket case . We went over to a friend 's house this morning for brunch which was wonderful , and Kalyn was able to play on the swing set with the girls and have a good time without me . I had a hard time relaxing because even though I know I needed to get away , it was so hard for me to leave Fred on a weekend " holiday " even though the holiday is technically for me . As soon as we left the hospital I started feeling anxious to get back . We got back and I felt pulled in 3 directions : Kalyn needing a nap , needing to get Fred out and about and needing to have some time for myself . It ended up working out because my mom was able to get Kalyn to sleep , and Fred was still napping , so I went outside and vented to my sister . I was able to get Fred out of bed after that and get him a little time in the Posted by There are no classes during the weekends , and Fred is free to do whatever he feels like within limits of course . It is nice to have the flexibility to take him outside by myself . Fred was too wiped out in the afternoon to have any of his classes , so he took a long nap , and my friend from Durango brought me more of my things and took me to run a few errands . Kalyn got her yesterday evening , and she has hardly let me get outside of a ten foot radius from her . She does not trust that I won 't go away for an extended period again . Yesterday I was so excited after I saw her , and I went to go get Fred , I had to really focus on not rushing him and being cautious . I can 't wait to see what healing powers it has on Fred being able to see her . We had a nice dinner at the apartment and then took Fred back to rest . This morning Fred was in a lot of pain with the tightness in his hips and wasn 't in a very good mood , and I felt a little grumpy myself . It is amazing how quickly I can go from really extreme highs to lows emotionally . What he really needed was a couple of good naps . My brother and his wife sent over 2 dozen bagels , cream cheese and lox for Fred and all of us to enjoy with extras for the staff . It was a nice treat for us to share and made Fred happy . While Fred was napping we took Kalyn to a nearby park and let her run around outside . I even went on the swings myself . I had forgotten how swinging up really high is quite a mood alterer ! We came back to the hospital and brought Fred outside for a little sunshine , and he read Kalyn a story while she sat in his lap . He gets worn out quickly , but hopefully this weekend we can get him some nice rest broken up with some family times together . Kalyn is on her way to us as I type ! My mom and brother are driving up with her today , and both Fred and I are anxious to see her . This is the longest we have ever been away from her . Fred has been saying it will be the highlight of his week . Seeing her is really going to motivate a speedy recovery for him . It will be interesting to see how much commotion she causes at the hospital because she will want to get into everything as a typical almost 3 year old would . The afternoon yesterday was much better , and Fred really perked up . I took the afternoon off and went for a run outside by myself and then Tom and I went to Whole Foods to stock up the apartment . For the birthday dinner we had a whole selection of foods for him and had a modified picnic in his room . Our friend Michael came by and spent some time with Fred . He was in a good mood and not grumpy about spending his birthday in the hospital . The above picture is from yesterday . Fred got worn out after about an hour , so we let him rest , and I came back by at the end of the night . Last night he got a decent night of sleep and was not as restless . Today has been another good day as Tom and I are getting trained and cleared to take Fred around and outside on our own . Hopefully we will have the doctor 's orders for that by the end of the day because they do not have classes all weekend . It will be great to get him out during the day this weekend with Kalyn here and have some free time . You certainly get a lot of attention for your birthday if you have a traumatic brain injury a little over a week before your birthday . His room is full of balloons , flowers and goodies . Last night we went to an old family friend 's house with three little girls . It was great to see them and have some nice family time . She made an incredible dinner and we sat and talked for hours . I have always looked up to her as a big sister , and it was very special to have her welcome us into her home . This morning I woke up grumpy and emotional . I usually have a hard time emotionally on my birthday , and it breaks my heart having Fred be in the hospital on his birthday because I don 't know what I can do to make it special and fun for him . I went over and saw him first thing in the morning to see what sounded good for a birthday breakfast . Of course , he asks for a bagel with lox , which was a bit beyond my abilities today , so he settled for a regular bagel with cream cheese from the coffee cart . He was a little confused when he woke up this morning and ranting a little about something which I did not grasp , but once he woke up some more he was talking about normal things . We have started to see more of the things that are harder for him to do today which I needed to see to start understanding it myself , but I don 't like writing about the things that are hard for him and it feels better for me to focus on the progress he is making . He sat up and ate a good lunch and stayed up talking to us for his whole lunch break until his next class . I 'm getting laundry duties done now and taking a little break this afternoon , but we are going to pick up a nice dessert from whole foods for tonight . Last night I went back to Fred 's room around 9 to hang out with him for a little bit before I went to bed . I have felt much better leaving knowing I am steps away and can come and go as I please . I slept much better last night . I woke up a couple of times and thought I was in a bed next to Fred 's , so my unconscious is very aware of being closer to him . Fred didn 't sleep that well last night , but he was able to get a little bit of rest . There is a gym in the basement of the hospital , so I was able to stop in first thing this morning and say hi to him as he woke up and then get a workout in . Tom brought me coffee and breakfast for Fred . He is starting to at least eat something 3 times a day . It is amazing how busy they keep Fred during the day . Today we have already had 5 " classes " as they call them here , occupational therapy , physical therapy , met with the neuropsychologist , speech therapy , and another round of PT . Right now they are in half hour blocks , and they are just evaluating and testing him mostly . He 's still really sleepy , so sometimes it 's hard to tell what is more difficult for him , staying awake or what they are asking him to do . When we met with his neuropsychologist , he said Fred was " exciting " because of the rating he got in the field was a 7 , and how well he is doing just over 1 week since the accident . He showed Fred his MRI and CT scans , and Fred talked with him a little . He has really shown a special interest in Fred . The staff already love Fred because he is so appreciative of everything they do for him . I 've never seen him so humble and accepting of help before and incredibly gratious . Fred is very impressed with the great team they have here , but he is also tired of the schedule . I am hoping to get him outside a little this afternoon since he hasn 't been outdoors for over a week , and that 's just not normal for him ! A little sunshine would do him a lot of good . My moments of panic creep up when I think about what our future holds or will look like , but I know we will make it work no matter what . I ' Posted by Fred 's day was very busy getting shuttled back and forth for different tests and also beginning the rehab . They really wore him out today , so hopefully he can get some rest , eat some dinner and get a good 's night sleep . His whole body is sore and tight and it 's hard for me to see the repercussions of the brain injury right now . Mostly I just see him with the broken bones and really sleepy . He doesn 't keep his eyes open for long and rarely opens them all of the way , but each day is improving in that sense . I definitely have moments of thinking he will just be able to pass all of their tests and move on out . He told me today that he is tired of " this . " Healing takes so much energy . I can 't imagine what he is going through . I think about when I have had just one thing be painful for me and how draining it is , and his body is trying to heal on so many different fronts . Right now we are trying to keep him positive and help him understand he is doing a great job . I keep hearing from the staff that often they don 't see someone until a month or so after their accident , so we have come a long way in a week . This time last week I didn 't even know that he had been in an accident . I asked him what sounded good for dinner , and he said pasta with a meat sauce sounded good . I have been waiting for him to ask for some pasta ! It has been one week since the accident , and sometimes it feels like hours and other times it feels like is has been years to me . Fred had some good times yesterday being up and alert . His constant joking around keeps me positive . Yesterday when they were getting ready to take him over to Craig I said his chariot awaits in reference to his wheelchair , and he makes a motion with his hand . We were all thinking he was having a hard time with depth perception , but he was pretending to polish his chair as a joke ! Once we got over to Craig someone was talking to him and was asking him how old he was , and he said 40 , and I corrected him and said he was 41 , and it turns out I was wrong ! There are definitely times when his brain is functioning better than mine ! We were talking about being at Craig , and he asked how long he was going to be here , and I said probably about a month . He wasn 't too pleased to hear that and responded , " I guess I 'm not doing the Iron Horse . " I kept my response to myself after that . Fred 's appreciation for what everyone is doing for him and for us grows everyday . Yesterday he was urging Tom and I to go out and do some fun city stuff while we are here . He said , " Tom has really been amazing , you guys should go out to dinner on me . " I told him I had his wallet , so maybe I would take him up on that ! Yesterday our friend Lisa brought over a whole bag of goodies to welcome us to our new apartment and help us settle in . The extra effort that everyone is putting in for us brings me to tears , and I am at a loss for words as to how to thank everyone for their help . Last night was not a good night of sleep for Fred or myself . I feel like I get a good night about every other night right now . I 've started keeping a notepad and a pen by my bed , so I can write something down and hope my brain will let it go until morning . It feels really good to be settled in the apartment a block away from Fred and be able to come and go from the hospital . Today has been filled with more tests as the doctors want a complete evaluatioPosted by We are getting settled in at Craig . It is very different than the acute care at the hospital , all in a good way . It is quiet and does not feel like a hospital . I almost feel like we 're getting settled at some sort of a school ! The doctors and nurses all wear street clothes and know their patients very well . The attention to the patients and families is overwhelming , and it is all focused on brain injury . They are very " safety first " here , which helps me relax and know I can leave and not worry about him . While we were at Swedish , I felt like me being there was important to help keep on top of his pain meds and know he was getting everything he needs . Now he is in a room with an attendant watching him at all times , so he can 't get out of bed by himself and risk a fall . I 'm sure tomorrow will be a flurry of things going on , but it feels good to be getting to a place where we can settle in a little bit . Fred had a much better night last night . I talked to the nurse around 10 , and he had perked up a little and was opening his eyes more and talking to them about the paramedic program here . She said it was the first time she had really seen his personality . After a little time of being up , he decided to go to bed and actually had a more restful night . I got a huge adrenaline rush after talking on the phone with her and hearing how well he was doing . It was nice to go to bed smiling versus worrying ! I was able to do get a good night of sleep myself and woke up around 6 this morning arguing with myself as to whether I should get up and get a workout in or get up and head straight to the hospital . I 'd say the smarter part of myself one the argument because I decided to get the workout in and just call and check in with the nurse . She told me he had been able to rest better that night , so I got a good workout in guilt free ! He was asleep when we came into the hospital and when he woke up his head was really bothering him . He seems more aware of the length of time that he has been in constant pain . He was telling me he wants to feel better and go home and hang out with Kalyn . He told me the hospital seems good and asked how things were going at home . He also told me a good story of the previous night after we had left the hospital . It was nice to have more of a normal conversation with him as I have really noticed how much I miss being able to chat with him and normal conversation every day . It makes me realize how important he is in my life and in my day to day thoughts . This morning his headache was bad and he was complaining about the pressure in his eyes and ears . The doctor said this is normal and gave him a steroid , hoping that would help relieve the pressure . It did seem to help a little as now he is resting better . They were ready to transfer him to Craig today , so I spent the morning waiting for the insurance to come back with the approval . The wait was stressful for me because of how important this rehab will be . Posted by Fred had a rough night last night because he was in a lot of pain , mostly headaches . He was not able to rest much and seems to have his days and nights confused so he wants to sleep all day but is having a hard time getting a long stretch of rest in during the day because someone is constantly coming in to mess with him . I really liked his nurse yesterday , Shannon , and she is his nurse again today . She is very good about consulting me on Fred 's care and a very attentive nurse . We have a few things in common as she has a two year old boy , so it has been fun talking with her . Tom has been sure to buy the nurses chocolate and cookies to thank them for all of their hard work . Thank goodness for Whole Foods ! We 've been well fed without having to deal with restaurants all week . I woke up at 5 this morning and was not able to sleep anymore , so I went to the hotel gym and got a workout in . It felt really good to breathe deeply and move and work some stress and emotions out in a way other than crying ! My sister sent me a care package yesterday that was full of the perfect combination of distractions and goodies . It has truly been amazing the amount of love and support I feel . I would not be functioning at all if I did not have my step dad here with me to keep me fed , drive me back and forth to the hospital , sit with Fred and give me breaks and have someone here to talk to and cry with . I can 't imagine going through this by myself , but I also know I would never have to because of all of the family and friends ready to do anything they can . This whole process has really been a helpful lesson in staying in the present and just being wiht whatever emotion comes up . Right now the future is so uncertain and scary for me to think about that I am able to keep myself in the present . Fred 's short term memory seems to be improving . He does not remember the accident , but he remembers that we have told him he was riding his bicycle down hesperus hill and hit a rock . Fred 's birthday is on Thursday , and I had already given him his present of Posted by Friday night was up a few times and needed more morphine for pain in the middle of the night , and he was asleep when we came in . The physical therapist came in and had him walk up and down the hall . He is wobbly , but he did it on his own . The next visit was from the speech therapist and mostly worked with where he was at chewing and swallowing . He was really worn out after walking , so it didn 't go that well and they wanted to keep him on a pureed diet at least until he was more alert to make sure all the food gets chewed and swallowed correctly . It has been hard to get him to eat anything , so sticking with driking things might be better to get some caolires and protein in him . After taking a nap , he wanted another shower , but he also asks for that most times he wakes up . They told us that brain injury patients seem to find one thing to focus on , and taking a shower has been Fred 's . I asked him if he wanted to talk to Kalyn , and we called her and had a little conversation with her . His speech is quiet and a little slurred at times , but he can carry on a conversation . The occupational therapist came in right as Tom was getting ready to help him shave , and she wanted to see how much of it Fred could do himself . He did a pretty good job considering he had a 4 day old beard and he 's a hairy guy to begin with ! We 're making a bigger effort to stay on top of his pain management , and it seemed to help . The doctors don 't want to give him any more morphine because they want him to be more alert so they can start getting a better assessment of how his brain is doing . I was sitting in his room typing while he was having his shower and the trauma doctor and the charge nurse come into the room and sit down with me with very concerned looks on their faces and say Fred had an accident in the shower . I must have had an awful look on my face because they immediately said he 's alright ( which would have been nice to hear first ) . The tech that was with him in the shower had turned around to get the nurse and told him to stay put , but he Posted by Fred was in and out of bed a lot on Thursday night and kept the nurses very busy , so he was sleeping soundly by the time we got in on Friday morning . I was thinking Friday was going to be a long day sitting around in his room with not much happening , but there were plenty of doctors and therapists coming and going and working with Fred . We were told that he should be transferred to Craig on Monday to begin his rehad , and a couple of the doctors and the head nurse all came over and met with us and we got a very good feeling from them and are really looking forward to him being there . The rehab process at Craig will probably be about 4 - 6 weeks long , but they have apartments right next to the hospital that I can stay in . Fred had a phone conversation with a friend back in Durango and he and I talked about Kalyn . He misses her and was talking about her in the same tone of voice that he uses when he talks to her . He has started to say thank you and be more aware of when you do something nice for him . He is also aware that as he puts it " this sucks . " By Friday afternoon , he had done a lot and a bad headache came on . He hadn 't had any pain medication all day , and all the activity really wore him out . He was really struggling with the headache , and the pain medication they gave him wasn 't helping , so they ended up giving him morphine and he finally relaxed and fell asleep . Watching him be in pain and not be able to do anything about it was so hard for me . I was so relieved to see him relax . He was still sleeping peacefully by the time we left him that night . Fred 's good comment for the day : " Mental note to self , don 't to this again " Wednesday night we had gone to stay with Tom 's brother and had a yummy home cooked meal and cocktails . I was so tired from not sleeping much the night before and the emotional exhaustion , so it was very nice to zone out and listen to family talk as a distraction from what was going on in my life . I was able to get a little more sleep that night , but was wide awake by 4 a . m . We had a little longer commute into the hospital that morning , so we got on the road around 7 , and of course it was snowing ! We got to the hospital and the whole morning was busy with activity . Fred 's neck brace was really bothering him , and they finally cleared him to have that removed and that helped with his agitation and discomfort related to that . The next thing he was focused on was having a shower . He got into a chair and ate a couple bites of applesauce and then he got to have a shower ( in a chair ) . His brain injury is affecting his short term memory , so about an hour after his shower he didn 't think he had one . He was doing well enough on Thursday to be moved to the Multiple Trauma Unit ( step down ICU ) . The move was hard on me after all of the attention and nurse / patient ratio of the ICU , to be sent to a room that is down the hall from the nurses station in the afternoon and then think about leaving the hospital for the night myself gave me a lot of anxiety . The night nurse put him in a floor bed since he was being impulsive and trying to get out of bed and the risk of falling and hurting his head again . Fred 's friend came by on Thursday afternoon and Fred really seemed to make a connection with him and talked with him and even joked around a little which was very refreshing to see ! Between exhaustion and needing a break , I managed to make myself leave the hospital and eat some dinner which included my medication - wine ! After not much sleep on Tuesday night , I got out of bed around 6 and called the hospital to see how Fred had done the night before . He had done some voluntary movement and was being taken into his second CT scan . We got to the hospital and the team of doctors made their rounds in the morning . The comparative scans were good and the brain swelling had not increased and he still did not need surgery . They started to reduce his sedation and he slowly started moving his limbs and opening his eyes . Later that day they removed his breathing tube and sutured up his right ear which was really scraped up in the fall . The day was a blur of different doctors and case workers , but he was making good progress and would talk some . He had not recognized me at all and thought this was his avalanche accident from 1995 . There were no visiting hours from 2 : 30 - 4 : 30 , so we went out to get me a change of clothes and some food . By the time we came back at 4 : 30 and walk into his room , he was sitting up in bed with his legs over the side like he was about to stand up . I called to the nurses and they came over and got him back into bed . After that , he had his bed alarm turned on to alert the nurses if he tried to get out of bed and they moved his bed to a room where they could see him from the station in the middle of the night . Trying to get out of bed , yelling at the nurse to stop touching him and get away from him were all good signs that Fred 's stubborn nature was still very much intact ! Fred was in a bicycle accident on Tuesday afternoon riding down Hesperus hill . He was alone and wearing a helmet . We think a rock caused the crash . There was a car behind him that saw the whole thing and called in the accident . The accident happened a little before 4 in the afternoon , and I got a call from the emergency room a little before 5 . What an awful call to receive . I was told that when they got to him he was unconscious and not doing a very good job of breathing on his own , but they intubated him in the field quickly . Between the time of being told he was unconscious and that they were taking him in for a CT scan to look for brain activity I went into shock . I called my mom and she planned to meet me at the emergency room and I would go pick up Kalyn . Having Kalyn in the car on the drive helped me maintain some sense of calm and carry on a conversation with her . When we got to the hospital my mom and Peter and Tom were already there and the doctor came to talk to us . Honestly , I don 't remember much of what they said other than the fact that they wanted to send him to Denver . He had a broken scapula , clavicle , a deap puncture wound on his elbow , road rash and bruising over his entire body , and most serious of all , a head injury . I was able to fly with him on the plane as copilot and there were two nurses in the back with him . They said his vitals were good and stable during the flight . I was still feeling pretty numb but able to hold a positive outlook on what was going to happen and I could also feel a lot of love and support holding me up as word was spreading . An ambulance picked us up from the airport and took us to the emergency room at Swedish . At the ER there was a whole team of doctors and nurses waiting for him and began to examine him . That part was hard to watch and I nearly passed out . The doctors talked to me and again , a lot of it went over my head , but I did gather the fact that the swelling from the brain injury was not bad enough to require surgery at the time . He was put into the Critical CarPosted by |
Sometimes bad things happen . Sometimes , good people end up with the bad end of the stick . At least that 's what Cassandra Jones had to tell herself as she walked into the new apartment building she would now be living in . She had never actually believed the saying ; in fact , she believed the opposite . She thought that because she ended up with the bad end of the stick , she deserved it . But somehow her parents had forced it into her mind that she didn 't deserve it . She hadn 't done anything wrong . That , she believed . The last thing that Cass had asked for was this . But then again , who would really ask for cancer ? If it had to take so many people , she did have to admit that she was happy it was her rather than the people she loved . But sometimes when the pain got so unbareable , she caught herself wishing , praying that whatever God was out there , would just take her and get it over with . But just like everyone in her life , it was like this ' God ' whom everyone believed in didn 't want her . She had spent most of the younger years of her life switching between an abusive dad and a depressed grandmother . Finally she got adopted when she was fifteen , the same year she was diagnosed with Leukemia . Now instead of her parents , schools , and Foster programs not wanting her , it was like the gods were playing games to pick and choose where she ended up at . She had ended up near death a few times , but she had always came back . But the experience was what counted right ? Still to this day , nightmares caused Cass to lay awake at night as her mind scanned the way it had felt being that close to death . That was an experience she would never forget . Although the gods still hadn 't decided where they wanted her at , Cass decided to take the down time to her advantage . Aside from all of the hospital visits and painful needles , Cassandra had always loved coming to the city . she grew up in a smaller town where basically everyone knew everything . That meant that Cassandra 's ' story ' was known to everyone in town . But now that she was starting # 2 Orion Davis Orion woke to his alarm . It was 8 am . He had to go to work at 11 am . Dressing himself into his Body Armour Short Sleeve Shirt and some long black workout pants and throwing on some deodorant and cologne , he fed the dog . After feeding the dog , he gathered up his workout gear and headed out the door to the cafe down the street . He liked to go there sometimes , if he could afford it . They had really excellent Omelettes and he liked to hang out there to take in the scenery . Orion took a look at the buildings and streets that surrounded him . He remembered the first day he moved here . It was right after he graduated from High School . He had a habit of getting into trouble around town , playing pranks on people and every now and then going out and getting drunk with his friends . However , his parents being the religious type , were fed up with his behavior and sent him away for college as soon as they were legally able to . Arriving at the cafe , he took a seat near the corner , however , his normal corner seat was taken by a beautiful woman . He quickly did a once over on her , impressed at what he saw . A waitress came over to him . Cassandra Jones Cassandra was never the one to pay attention to her surroundings . She didn 't notice the baby sitting across the room crying , the old couple walking through the door , or even the children jumping on the seats beside her . But she could tell when eyes were on here . Especially unfamiliar eyes . The brown headed girl slowly lifted her gaze off of the newspaper she was reading as she sipped some of her warm tea and glanced around the room , taking in all of her surroundings again . The baby who was crying had a beautiful blue ounsie on , the couple walking through the door looked more in love than most young couples , and the children behind her had more energy than she probably every would . Her thoughts made her chuckled softly to herself before her eyes slowly met with another pair . They were unfamiliar , though they looked so familiar at the same time . For the next second or two , her eyes stayed connected to the other pair before they drifted up and down to look at the connected body . She had to admit that the body and face with the mesmerizing eyes did match them quite well . If she didn 't say it out loud , her cheeks showed it . Thankfully though , Cassandra was able to look away as she noticed a woman step in between her and him . Cass looked up and smiling widely at the waitress as she greeted her . " Hi ! Yes , thank you ! Have a nice day , " Cassandra 's words came out quicker than she had expected , though she didn 't stop as the delicious looking plate of omelet was sat in front of her . Casey quickly out her book away and took the first bite of her omelet , soon taking another after letting out a soft moan of deliciousness . She had to admit , although she had made and ate several different omelets , this one had to definitely be the best tasting one ! The next little bit was spent with Cass reading her book from her crossed legs and half paying attention to the omelet sitting in front of her . Due to the treatment she had gone through , she grew use to not eating breakfast , so now it was hard to eat much of anything # 4 He realized just now that he was staring at the girl in the corner . He stopped , even he knew that was rude . He wasn 't one to stir up trouble anymore . He still got into trouble sometimes , but for the most part , his job kept him busy enough to keep him out of trouble most of the time . However , he glanced up at her every now and then and even once , their eyes caught each other . From then on , he found it hard to not look at her again . If he didn 't stop now , he 'd surely be arrested as being a creeper . He had to either make a move or leave the restaurant and he wasn 't planning on leaving the restaurant just yet . He gratefully took the omelette , finishing it off quite quickly . Taking his coffee , he got up from his seat and walked over to the booth that the girl was sitting in . He waved as he approached . " I 'm sorry . I 'm not really a creeper , honest . I didn 't mean to stare . I just couldn 't help but appreciate your beauty . . . Here , as an apology . . . " he took her tab that the waitress brought her and gave the waitress a 20 dollar bill . He whispered for the waitress to keep the change . He then took a seat across from her , hoping he wasn 't scaring her away or embarrassing her . He paid for his meal too when the waitress came looking for him again for his tab . Sipping on his coffee , he looked to the girl again . " I 'm Orion , but you can just call me Ryan if that 's easier to say . I just live down the street so I came here on my way to work . I haven 't seen you here before . . . do you come here often ? " Cassandra Jones The blush that had appeared on the young girls face only darkened as she took a drink of her tea and heard a voice to her left . She glanced up and immediately she saw the same male who she had seen before . Slowly , she watched as he took a seat across from her and paid for her meal . Cassandra loomed St him without saying a word and slowly felt the blush on her cheeks go away as he told her his name . " I 'm Cassandra but people usually call me Casey or Cass . Whatever is fine . I , uhm , I use to come with family for dinner all the time . Their chicken and gravy basket was my favorite , but I just moved here this weekend so it 's really my first time . " The girl slowly tucked a strand of her loose , dark hair behind her ear as she bit her lower lip . She glanced around the small dinner and wondered if it was normal for extremely cute guys to come and sit with the shy , pale girl and pay for their breakfast . Which speaking of , Cass realized she still had not thanked him for it . " Thank you for the breakfast . I didn 't think you we 're a creep . I was just wondering if it was normal for a guy to stare at a girl and then at pay for her breakfast around here . But I appreciate it . I can pay you back , its not a big deal . Really . " Cassandra took another drink of her cup of tea as she looked at the male in front of her . She slowly looked over him , analyzing every inch of him she could visibly see . He had a slight Stubble on his cheeks and jaw line , his hair stood up in a messy kind of way , though it looked rather organized . His eyes were dark and mysterious , though they looked soft and kind , unlike most eyes of men she had seen . He looked tall and fit , so obviously he worked out and kept himself in shape , though he didn 't look like he tried hard . Slowly , Casey 's eyes shifted so that she could look back up at his as their conversation drifted on . " Cassandra huh ? That 's a really nice name . You just moved here ? Well , if you need to know where anything is , I 'd be happy to help . I 've been living here since I was 18 years old . I kind of know my way around this place better than anyone . I even know the backalleys , through some less than desirable connections that I had when I first moved here . However , I 'm trying to turn over a new leaf . . . Can 't say I 'm perfect though . . . " He could see her face go a little red and he smirked . Dare he say her shy red face even added to her beauty even more . It got his heart racing in a whole other way other than exercise ever could . But what was more beautiful than her shy face was her eyes . Her eyes alone had the power to make his heart rate race even faster than before . " What do you say , Cassandra ? " The girl slowly turned her full as attention back to the guy sitting in front of her . Her hands traced over the edges of her book in her lap as she took in every word that exited his mouth and came out to swallow her up . Cass found herself biting her lip before quickly switching to finishing up the last of her tea . She could smell the coffee from the males cup from here , though she lover the smell , she hated the taste . But he seemed to like it very much . " Thank you , I 'll be sure to remember that . Erm . . . " " Um , yeah . I guess I can give you my number . Maybe you can show me around . I 've been looking for a library , but I can 't seem to find it . Um , you can call me if you 'd like . " Slightly fidgeting with the pen to her right , she took a napkin and switched the pen to her left hand as she wrote down the ten digest number of her cell phone , and then adding her home phone in case she forgot to pay the bill , which was likely to happen with the forgetful girl . " The top is my cell , and the bottom is my home phone . Um , maybe I 'll talk to you later . . . I need to head to work though , I 'll . . uhm . . bye . " The last of Cassandra 's words we 're stumbled upon and shaky as she saw a glimpse of the time . She had ran much , much later than she had planned . She had probably been talking with the male who called himself Ryan for a whole thirty minutes or more , but thankfully she would still have time to go home , shower , and make it back to her job interview by eleven . Quickly as standing up , the shorter girl waved a small goodbye to the male and rushed off to the front door where she walked out and took a sprint home , forgetting her favorite book on the table . By the time Cassandra got home , she realized her mistake , but didn 't have time to go back . She would just have to look for another copy . Slowly , Cass hopped into the shower and started her day . # 8 Taking the number she gave him , he put it in his phone right away . He let the girl go . He could clearly see the red on her cheeks . He chuckled a bit . He enjoyed seeing people embarrassed . It amused him a bit . It also drew him closer to this girl he had met in the diner out if pure curiosity . As she walked out , he watched her . Turning around and chuckling he then saw the book she was clinging onto when he first came to sit with her . Seems she had forgot it when she rushed out . Taking the book and putting it in his work bag , he left a tip and left the diner , heading to work . On his way , he pulled out his phone and shot her a text . " Hey , it 's Orion , the guy you met this morning at the cafe . You left your book at the diner and I just happened to pick it up for you . Meet me at the diner tomorrow and I can give it back . And , if you aren 't busy , I can show you where the library is " Finally arriving to the cafe she had been to earlier , Cassandra walked in and looked around . Not only was her book gone , but the male she had sat with before was gone . Kind of like it never even happened , and it was all some kind of strange dream that Cass would wake up to in a few minutes . But as her phone vibrated and a message lit up on the screen , it was obvious that her ' Dream ' was still going on . Hey , it 's Orion , the guy you met this morning at the cafe . You left your book at the diner and I just happened to pick it up for you . Meet me as to the diner tomorrow and I can give it back . And , if you aren 't busy , I can show you where the library is . One quick glance at the message made the girl sigh in relief to know that her book was safe . Although most people diner read anymore , it was one of her favorite things . When spending numerous months in and out of the hospital half of her life , Cassandra learned to deal with soap operas and mystery shows . That was until she finally had enough of it and she turned to reading . Ever since her nurse brought her a book from the hospital library , Cass had been reading . She hadn 't went a day without reading at least a page or two . Thank you so much ! It 's my favorite book . I am actually busy first thing tomorrow morning , but I 'll probably come to the cafe later tonight and then tomorrow for lunch . I 'd love to see the library tomorrow , but only if you 're sure you 're free . Cassandra pressed send and watched the message deliver before talking yo the owner of the restaurant and asking for a job application . After filling it out and talking with the manager for a bit , Cass was surprised to find that she was hired as a waitress and would be starting on Thursday of next week . After thanking the owner again , Cassandra waved and walked back out of the cafe doors , willing to take this time to explore the city a little more . He recieved the return text , however , since he was in the middle of a coaching session with some clients , he couldn 't pick it up right now . After helping all his clients in that 2 hour period , he sat down for his break . Munching on an apple , he finally had time to respond to her text . He pulled his phone out of his pocket and went to the unread message . " Thank you so much ! It 's my favorite book . I am actually busy first thing tomorrow morning , but I 'll probably come to the cafe later tonight and then tomorrow for lunch . I 'd love to see the library tomorrow , but only if you 're sure you 're free . " " Oh , I 'm sure . Trust me . It is my day off . I don 't get many days off so I know when those are . And I can definitely meet you in the afternoon at the diner for lunch . I 'd love to get to know you more " Hitting the send button , he finished up his apple and then headed back off to work again . Helping a couple more clients , he had a free hour to help anyone that asked for it . He went around , offering pointers to those that needed them and then he headed off to lunch , which consisted of carrots and peas as veggies and some chicken breast covered in a lite marinade as his protien . He hadn 't heard his phone go off since his first break , however , he waited . He was sure she 'd text him at least one more time . The brown headed girl walked down the sidewalk when she felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket . Sliding it out and glancing over the message , she thought to herself before deciding not to respond , at least not yet . To be completely honest , the girl wasn 't sure how to take the male in . The way he acted earlier in the morning was definitely in a way that seemed he was interested in her , but she had never had a real relationship since she found out she had cancer . With being in and out of hospital after hospital , she never had much time . And when she was going through chemotherapy and radiation , she lost all of her hair and Most of her courage . She was no longer the happy , brave , and outgoing girl everyone knew her for . Of course she was still able to put her opinions out there too and there we 're several different parts of her that was brave , but she personally didn 't feel brave . She felt scared and weak and fragile . Everywhere she use to walk , she hung her head down low and people would whisper right in front of her like she couldn 't hear . She had cancer , she wasn 't deaf . It was humiliating walking through school without any hair , and watching every other girl have a boyfriend except you . She partly knew that it was her fault that she didn 't ever have a good boyfriend after that . She was scared . Her life was always ' what ifs ' . Her life wasn 't a ' for sure ' thing . The doctors first said it would be a miracle if she made it to homecoming sophomore year . Then it was a miracle that she mad it to junior year prom . Then finally she made it to graduation day . Every day for Cass was a ' what if ' , especially now . Now that the young girl was off on her own and no longer seeking cancer treatment with her nearly impossible to beat cancer , there was a small chance that she would even make it to the end of Christmas in four months . But , she didn 't care . It wasn 't like she was suicidal or anything , don 't get the wrong idea , it was just that she was tired of it . She was tired of all the needles and pins and pain . She was tireAlthough Cass knew that they could be nothing more than friends , she was taking advantage of the moment and living in the present , not the future nor the past . # 12 His phone vibrated again . It was Cassandra , saying she 'd meet him at the diner around noon . He smirked . Score . She was quite the looker for a woman and he was excited to meet up with her again . However , something about her seemed off . She didn 't seem , what was the word he was looking for . . . healthy . . . ? Was that the word ? Even for a girl , she barely had any meat on her bones . By that he didn 't mean that she was terribly thin and frail , not at all . It 's just that , she barely looked like she carried any muscle on her . Also , he could see that her complexion was more pale than most he 'd ever seen . Being in the exercise and soon to be nutrition world , he could tell when someone was underweight and when someone was overweight . She wasn 't underweight , per say , more like , she had weight to her , but it didn 't seem to be muscle weight . He went throughout the rest of his time at work kind of worrying a bit about Cassandra . Was there something going on with her ? He hated to pry into someone 's personal life , especially with someone he just met , however , he couldn 't help but worry about her . Getting off of work , Orion shot Cassandra a text . He couldn 't wait till tomorrow to ask her . He felt that waiting to ask her this couldn 't wait . " Cassandra , I 'm off work and headed back to the diner . I need to talk with you . I have your book so I 'll return it and I 'll still show you where the library is tomorrow , however , I 'd like to talk with you before I head home . If your free that is . . . Text me back if your willing to meet up tonight for a few minutes " He hit the send button and prayed in his mind that she 'd want to meet with him tonight . He just had to find out . Find out what was going on with Cassandra . Cassandra spent the majority of her free day walking around town . She visited a few of the a more popular parks in the city , and even made time to explore a few museums before heading back to her small apartment building . As she walked through the door , her small puppy , Princess , ran up to her puppy and jumped into her arms as she caught her . Smiling , Cass looked down at her baby before sitting her down so she could take her shoes off and make herself a grilled cheese sandwich for a late lunch . The next few hours , Cass spend watching tv or reading in various other books , though it was no denying that she missed her other book so much more . Eventually , Cassandra have up on the movie she was currently watching , and flipped the TV off so that she could check her phone and look through her messages . Realizing she had a missed message from Ryan , Cass opened it up and quickly replied , thankful it had just been sent a little before . I have nothing else to do . I 'm bored out of my mind without my book . I 'll meet you there at the cafe ! Thanks ! Cassandra slid her phone into her front pockets of her jeans and then stood up to slip her tennis shoes back on . After grabbing her jacket and her keys , Cass walked out of her apartment and slowly hopped into her car . The drive to the cafe was short and simple , allowing her to arrive before the clock his seven - thirty . Sliding into the same booth she was sitting in earlier in the morning , Cassandra picked up a menu and waited for Ryan to arrive . Orion Davis Making his way down the street , he was able to quickly make it to the diner . Stepping into the diner , he looked around to see if he could spot Cassandra . As he thought , he saw her hair color peek out from behind a menu . She was in the same seat that she had been in this morning . He thought she might be there . Cassandra Jones Everyday of her entire life , Cassandra had been the shy girl . Even before she got sick and before she got put into a foster home and before her parents started treating her like crap . she had always been shy ; it had always been in her nature . She was never noticed . She was the girl , despite how beautiful she was , who was always picked last . She was the girl that dreaded getting called on in class , and the girl who barely left her house . But ever since everything in her life began falling apart , it all got worse . When her parents started treating her badly , her grades dropped and she lost friends . When she got put into foster care , she moved around and she couldn 't make friends , so she stayed inside more and more every day . When she got adopted and was diagnosed with cancer , she was too sick to talk to people , or she was embarrassed to tell them that she was sick . As if they didn 't know , many people asked . She eventually got to telling them that she was just naturally pale . With wasn 't a lie , but she definitely was not as pale as she was with the cancer eating away at her . Despite that , Cassandra had agreed to meet the male at the cafe that night . And now , as she sat in the corner booth and sipped at some hot chocolate , she couldn 't help but notice the difference in the male who now sat in front of her . He was not longer smiling , flirting , and happy , but instead he seemed distant and worried . Smiling at him despite his different attitude , her mind shifted to what he needed to so desperately talk about . " Sure , what do you need to talk about ? I have time . I think I 'm free for the rest of the night , but what 's wrong ? " Orion Davis Orion looked at Cassandra a bit longer and then he remembered . He had been trying to figure out where he had seen someone as her and he did . He knew he did . He had worked with a lot of clients that were sickly , however , one client from all his clients had cancer . It wasn 't so bad as to take away the things she loved to do . Despite being sickly and frail , she wanted to become stronger . Orion would never forget this client as long as he lived . The client had a stage 2 cancer . It wasn 't so bad when she started to work with him , but over time , it got worse and made her more and more sick by the day . Still she soldiered on . However , one day , she didn 't come into her appointment . That was when her family had told him that she had passed away , happy that she had the chance to work with him . Remembering her , she looked almost the same as Cassandra does at this moment . Pale skin , but not terribly noticable . A small yet sturdy frame . Orion didn 't like where this was going , but he just had to know . He opened his mouth to talk . " In my line of work , I meet many different people . One person , however , changed my life more than any of my clients ever had . Not that I had any romantic relations with this person , I just came to be good friends with her . Seeing your skin color and body build reminded me of when I was working with her . . . . and she had cancer . . . . Now , I know you don 't know me very well , but talking as someone who 'd like to get to know you better , please tell me , do you have cancer ? Please don 't lie to hurt my feelings because I know it will hurt more if you do lie to me . . . Again , I know you barely even know me , but would you do me the favor of answering me that ? " Cassandra signed as she listened to his story . She knew by the time that he mentioned a sick friend , he could tell that she was sick . She had become so good at hiding it though , it confused her . She was pale , but only to an extent , and most people didn 't notice her frail body . Either way , the short girl sighed as his question finally hit her . Slowly , Cassandra tucked a loose hair behind her ear . " I do in fact have cancer . I 'm surprised you noticed , no one else has . I 'm actually quite impressed . I 'm sorry about your friend , I can tell you cared about her dearly . As for me , I probably would not have told you about it . Its just easier . So don 't treat me different , I 'm still the same person I was earlier and the same person I 'll be tomorrow . Cass took a drink of her hot chocolate And the waitress walked over to bring Cass a plate of grilled cheese and tomato soup , along with her receipt . Cass pushed her food to the side though as she took another sip of her hot chocolate and looked across the table at Ryan . She could definitely tell the difference in the man she met this morning and the one sitting in front of her now . Just his actions showed him to be different a little . He didn 't seem happy and excited and bright as before . He definitely seemed more down , and it upset Cass . This was why she didn 't want to Tell anyone , especially her first friend in the new city . Everyone always acted different . Even after months , they still showed little differences , and she noticed it . Like how when she got out of breath , they offered to carry her bags when they didn 't before . Or when they would make sure you ate at every meal instead of normal . But the thing with Ryan was that she didn 't know how he 'd act before he knew she had cancer , so she didn 't know what to expect . Sighing , she finished her hot chocolate . " I just wanted to know . I won 't treat you any different because you have cancer . Your still the beautiful you that you are . Cancer doesn 't make the person , the person makes the person and you seem like a nice girl . . . in fact . . . " Getting up from his seat , he walked over to where she was sitting . Putting one knee on the bench where she was sitting , he bent forward , gently grabbing her chin and placing a quick , yet gentle kiss on her lips . Pulling away , he smirked . Cassandra chuckles a little as she heard Ryan 's voice lighten again . Although she could tell he acted and seemed a little awkward , she knew , or at least hoped that he wouldn 't act different . Slowly , the girl smiled and listened to his soft words before she saw him shift and stand up . She watched as he slowly shifted and bent down beside her . As she felt him lean down , she didn 't even comprehend what he was going to do until he already had done it . The feeling of his lips against hers , shocked her , making her pull away and a deep blush to cover her entire face , much more deeper than any other shade before . As he slowly sat back down without even phasing , Cassandra pushed her thoughts away and thought about when his lips we 're against hers . Once he shifted and reach her book across to her , Cass took it and smiled , pulling it back to her aide thankfully . " Thank you . I 've missed it . . I know . . that 's weird . . But I have ! " After a minute of silent , Cass watched as the waitress brought a to go box for her . " Well , as much as this talk has been amusing and . . . interesting , it 's getting late , so I should probably start walking home before the streetlights turn off on me too . But , thank you for bringing My book back . We will still meet tomorrow for the library ? " Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . 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Pages 27 through 59 in my book . The Bleazard homestead ( Cabin ) where Wease and Will and their children lived is located about four and one - half miles west of Mountain Home . The family arrived at the homestead in the spring of ' 1913 . Alice remembered when they first arrived in Mountain Home , " We came from the West over the hills from Peoa and it took us eight days . We came up through Kamas and all that country to Tabby ( Tabiona ) and Farm Creek and over the mountains to Rock Creek . Oh , it was great ! When we came up out of Rock Creek and as we were comin ' up the hills us kids had to stand behind the wagon to keep it from rollin ' back and the horses worked so hard . It was a terrible pull up that steep place out of Rock Creek . When we got to the top of the hill , there was this great , big bunch of Indians and dogs galore . The government must have given them some wagons because they had nice , new wagons . In the days to come they would come past our cabin headed to and from Rock Creek and sometimes we 'd hide ' cause we were scared of them . The squaws were on the wagons and driving the horses , and the men were on their horses and there was a line of them . " As we came around the Bleazard switchback bend Dad had us all stand up in the high spring seat so we could see the cabin down where it was . It was June and there were pretty flowers all around and it was just glorious and we were very glad to get out there ! " Mark was four years old and one of his first memories was when he first saw the cabin . He said , " I remember when we first saw the cabin . What a mansion ! No door on it and no window and it had a dirt floor and dirt roof . " Alice said , ' I can 't remember if there was a door on it or not but I can 't imagine Dad not putting some kind of door on it because there were all kinds of animals and things around at that time . I remember a homemade door . We probably went without a wood floor that first winter because Dad was working at the sawmill . Anyway , it was summertime when Dad and Mom was putting the floor down and I was supposed to tend the little kids . You know those white sand lilies that grew all over ? Well , I left the kids and went pickin ' sand lilies and got in big trouble . " Mark remembered , " That first floor had lots of holes in it where pennies and things were lost . The second ground floor was put in some time after Pete and me were married in 1931 . The cabin always had a dirt roof and it often leaked when it rained . " ' Mother never complained and we just set things out and took off from right there . We got 12 " boards for the door but I don 't know what we did for heat . There was just the cook stove . I can 't remember where they got the stove but I think maybe Dad brought it to the cabin in the fall and I don 't know where it is now . Not long after we arrived at the cabin , a milk cow was borrowed from Abe Lyons for milk for the kids . " ( Page 27 ) On April 27 , 1908 , the year before Mark was born , the Farnsworth Canal and Reservoir Company was organized . Its primary directive was to " construct a canal " , and in 1910 irrigation water first flowed through the canal but it was not adequate to meet the needs of the growing communities . In 1915 the Board followed the recommendations of A . G . Burton and filed for rights to water from Kidney , Island and Squaw Lakes and from Brown Duck Lake . Dams and head gates were built on the lakes to increase storage capacity . A dam was eventually built below Moon Lake and it was known as Little Reservoir . Mark said , " Our nearest neighbors were Heber and Mary Jane Harwood . They had filed for a homestead in 1910 and Heber built them a two - room log house about a half - mile north of our home . They were the parents of fourteen children . Mrs . Harwood health was poor so they eventually moved to a town in Carbon County called Peerless where she could be closer to doctors . Mary Jane died in 1922 and Heber died in 1925 . 1n 1925 the land near our homestead belonged to their sons and they sold it to us . " Gpa Mark Hopwood would sometimes come out and visit and he would always sit by the only window in the cabin , the one on the West . Mother always wanted another window in the cabin and she finally got that other window on the North . She had tried and tried but nobody would listen to her or help her cut it . Anyhow , one day she took to it and cut that other one out . She cut that window on the north of the cabin . " Alice said , " Gpa Mark Hopwood came out and he 'd go behind the house and cough and cough and it would just scare us kids to death . We would sometimes borrow a few things from our neighbors , the Harwards , ' cause it was hard to get things we needed . Once I was sent to Harwards to borrow a cup of sugar and Mrs . Harward said to me , ' Well how 's the old man ? ' That just went through me and I said " He 's not an old man ! " I didn 't think what she said was respectful to Gpa ' cause he suffered so bad and it was not something you laugh about . " Alice remembered , Wease 's sister , Aunt Mary , " came out in a buggy only once that I can remember . Her kids were about the same age as us . They come over Tabby and stayed a few days and I went back with them . I went to Aunt Mary 's place quite a bit . I was named after Mother 's sister , Alice , who died when she was seven . " Mark Hopwood Bleazard wrote to his son , Will , on March 11 , 1913 and said , " We received your letter and check this am and was glad to hear from you and to know that things are as well as they are . I am glad you found things all right on the reservatio " Then we started raising pigs and could trade them in at the ( Brigham ) Stevenson 's store for sugar , salt and the necessities we so badly needed . During the summer we herded the pigs on a part of the alfalfa field . We would usually herd them two hours in the morning and two hours in the afternoon . " Mark plowed the ground while Dad was at Peterson 's sawmill . We could see the horses and the hand plow as it went around and around the field though we couldn 't see Mark because he was so young and so small he hardly came up to the handles on the plow . Boys and girls grew up quickly in those days and there wasn 't anything we couldn 't do . ( Page 29 ) " Mother raised chickens and we ate a lot of chicken and sage hens . We ate rabbits at first but they got diseases . We had chickens galore and it was fine . We had all the potatoes we needed and Mother always boiled the chicken instead of baking it so we could have chicken gravy . " Anna Dee Bleazard ( Rowley / Coupens ) wrote , " No one in Mountain Home could make bread as good as Mother ( Wease ) . The old wood stove was without a temperature gauge to tell when the oven was hot enough to bake the bread . She would put her hand in the oven for one second and be able to tell exactly when it was time to put the bread in . " Mother enjoyed the art of quilt making cooking and gardening . She loved flowers and always had the window sill full of red geraniums in bloom in the winter , and in the summer dahlias , cosmos and roses grew in the yard . The light in the cabin was from a coal oil lantern , and later a gas lamp and what light we got from the stove . " William ( Bill ) Walker Bleazard said , " Mother would cook the meals but she would never sit down at the table . She was the waitress and when the meal was over the dishes were put down at one end , then Mark , Dad and Jack would play Sluff . Only three people could play and the kitty - 3 cards - would be off to one side . Grant and me would fight over who would hold that kitty ! Mother and Alice would do the dishes . In addition to that , IBill laughed as he said , " Yea , and it wasn 't a hot and cold shower ! When I got bigger I tried to remember to pack the water . Alice was gone then and I tried to relieve Mom of that job , but one time I had something I thought was more important to do so she went to get the water , I felt guilty and remember hiding behind a tree and watching her . " Mark remembered , " We thought we were so smart when we got big enough to fix a trail around to that natural spring and us kids thought we done it all . " " The natural spring was over the hill a quarter mile so we fixed an outhouse between the cabin and the spring by nailing a log between two trees and we dug a hole under it . The woodpile was very close to the toilet . This meant that when you had to go to the toilet , you could take a bucket with you , and when you came back to the house you could have a bucket of water in one hand and under your other arm a few logs for the stove ! The kids would often forget and it was Mother who would have to go get the water and logs . Mother and Alice would go get wood or water rather than arguing with anyone else to get it . Alice would just break her neck doing anything for anyone all her whole life . Mother was still carrying water from the spring after Pete and I were married . Pete carried water for Mother when Fred was a little , tiny boy , Ann was a head taller , Ralph a bit bigger and Grant just a little boy . " Alice remembered that at one time she and her mother rode horseback to the Meetinghouse to attend Sunday school . It was Testimony Meeting and the Bishop asked people if they had anything to say . No one had anything to say , so the Bishop called on the people to speak . Alice said that she was worried about their turn and asked her mother what she should say . Her mother just said to say whatever she wanted . When Wease got up she said she was thankful that she had a horse to ride to church . Mark remembered his mother going to church as often as possible but it was usually a long walk and " she had to get all of us ready . " Alice remembered , " I don 't remember Mother getting to church before we moved over to Lyon 's house in Mountain Home . I remember when I was eight years old me and Mother rode a horse from home to Mountain Home . I guess I must have been on the back of the horse . When we got to Mountain Home we went north past the store and to the Lake Fork River . We couWease and Will were the parents of eleven children and she lost two and maybe more babies in the early months of pregnancy . Bill was born in 1917 and Wease wanted to have him named after his father , but Will didn 't like the idea . Wease asked him to please attend church with her when the baby was blessed , and when Will refused to go with her she named the baby what she wanted - William Walker Bleazard . Charles ( Chick ) , John William ( Will ) , father ; and Fred Walker Bleazard In about 1918 Will went by team with Gene Sorenson to Sun Valley , Idaho to prospect and to mine . While in Idaho , Will got a Call to enter the Army ( World War I ) but before he could get home and could take his physical the war was over and the Call was cancelled . At this time he had been in Mountain Home for about five years and was the father of seven children . Will 's brother , Delbert Ison ( Deb ) , served in the Navy in WW1 , and his brother , Mark Charles , served in the Army in WW1 . A Mr . Morgan who lived in Vernal , Utah wrote a letter to Will date June 14 , 1918 and said , " Dear Friend Bill . I haven 't heard from you for some time . What are you going to do about going up to Idaho ? I am thinking of going up pretty soon if I can make arrangements to suit me . You didn 't say anything about me getting someone to buy Showalter out , what do you think ? I can 't shoulder all the responsibility of all the work that has to be done prior to working the property alone , and Showalter won 't do much . If the four of us , you and I and Jim and Showalter can get together some way on this I would take the car and two besides myself and ship our stuff to Hailey and I could come out and get it after we got in there see . Now you think this over and take it up with him and let me know what you can do at once , as I have a government position in the East that I will have to attend to if we can 't make some arrangements soon . With Best Regards , Your Old Pal Morgan . Wease wrote a letter to Will on June 16 , 1918 and said : " My Dear Will . I will write on the back of Mr . Morgan 's letter and it will save paper - ha - ha . . . Your letter from Blackfoot was rec 'd hope you have reached Stanley before this . We are having a dandy rain just now , the first since you left . Terrible thunder and lightning and I wish I could hide . Have had a little water of late , have most of the crop watered over once and the hay is looking fine now and is growing very fast . Emmerson Rowley hasn 't been able to help me much with the water . He is still miserable . The kid , Oliver , hasn 't helped him any since you left . He has enlisted in the Navy and expects his Call any day . I went over to a farewell for Clyde Rowley with Emmerson and Flossie last night . Clyde leaves in the morning . Warn ( Warren Mecham ) wanted me to tell you to tell Charley that Roy 's baby died about a week ago . ( Page 32 ) " Uncle Frank brought Aunt Lovina out to visit Arthur . He has spotted fever and is very low . Janey 's boy was struck with lightning and they don 't know if he will live . " My , it seems a year since you left home . Bert S was here today . He said they had heard from Fred about a dozen times . He says Johnny beat his Pa up pretty bad broke his nose and some ribs , pretty near done old Jim up . How much did you figure Mr . Rust owed us ? He sent me word I could have the asparagus roots for 50 cents and wanted the money . There 's a 10 % assessment on the ditch due now . . . " " I let Vera and Jack go over the hill with Hazel 's Pa . Jacky wanted one of us to go with him and Vera wanted to go so bad They went last Monday and went thru in a day . Vera said they didn 't have any bother at all . I guess it was quite a trip for them . Wllie and I got the cows herded and they gave us a nice mess of milk . I make all the butter we can use . It was later the home of Jack and Viola Bleazard for many years . " Dearest Will . Sunday Evening . Harwards ( Heber and Mary Jane Harward ) went to meeting and after they came home I walked up to see what they had heard of the break in the canal . They said the Bishop preached that there were six teams on the break and it will take some time to complete . It will take $ 3 , 000 more and it has already cost about $ 8 , 000 and there was $ 11 , 000 that they had borrowed that must be paid up right away . They had or will levy an assessment of 58 cents . Ok I tell you . Will , everyone is discouraged and ready to go most anywhere ! The reason I didn 't try to explain to you about the break was that Warn told me he had written to Charley and explained it all to him and I thot he could tell you . I guess he has the letter long before this . " The kids are all well but I have been on the sick list quite a bit since you left . Some days I can 't get around at all . You know I have told you I thot I had kidney trouble ? It has been so bad I have had to go to bed at times . I have been reading the doctor books and I think it 's female trouble . Guess I will have to get some medicine of some kind . I sent Hebe 's pulleys up to Bill Shirts to get fixed couldn 't get him any new ones . " Jim and Bert are still in the mountains . Write as often as you can deary , I get so lonesome for you . Lots of love and kisses from Mama and Babies . " " In July of 1918 Jack was in Salt Lake with his Grandparents , Mark and Annie Bleazard , and while in Salt Lake he had his tonsils removed at a cost of $ 15 . 00 Wease wrote to Will on July 21 , 1918 and said , " Haven 't heard from you since I last wrote but thot I would write a few lines while I look after the cows . Another Sunday has rolled around and it 's as lonesome as ever . I let the kids play a while because they get tired of herding and only Willie is here helping me now . He has got the buggy whip after them . He is such a cute little busy boy . ( Page 33 ) " Very stormy weather of late and lots of hay is getting spoiled . The men , that is a few men are still pegging away at the break trying to fix it . Warn ( Mecham ) is amongst the bunch so he hasn 't started his hay yet . He says all the help he will have with our hay will be Lula ( Mecham ) and their kids and me and ours so I guess it will go up in a hurry . Don 't you think so ? " I rec 'd a card from your Ma ( Annie ) last night stating Jacky was operated on the 16th and was ok . I am so thankful for the card because I was so worried about him . Did she send you word ? I have been in the barber business . I thot maybe some of the fellows you had barbered so much would offer to cut the boys hair but nothing doing The only time any of them are accommodating is when they want an accommodation . " Did you hear Mrs . Isaacson was dead and buried ? I didn 't hear it until yesterday . Hazel was telling me . " How are you doing for something to eat ? Do you want some money ? How is your rock looking ? Wish you had some of this flour , meat and garden stuff . We have all kinds of it and will soon have summer squash , beans and cucumbers . Our onions are pretty good nice for green onions and the trees all look fine . The weeds are healthy this year . Arthur Marchant was here taking census yesterday and has been very sick but finally pulled through , looks bad . " How it thunders and lightnings and I wish you were home ! Is Gene ( Sorenson ) still with you ? How did Edith feel about him going ? Wish you would write oftener . How often does mail leave Stanley ? Are you camping in a tent ? Oh , tell me all about yourself . Did they tell you Bird had a baby ? Love from Louisa . " " Wease wrote to Will on July 30 , 1918 and said , " Dearest Will . Rec 'd your letters of the 16th and 22nd the other night , was sure glad to get them and to know you were all right . I do sure get so lonesome for you and the kids . I feel at times like I can 't get along without you and I will be glad when you come home . I wish I could pick our garden , log cabin and flour , chickens , cows etc up and put them up where you are , don 't you ? Oh I would like to be there and with the kids . If we could do that it wouldn 't take much to live on for a while , would it ? Our garden stuff is on now and everybody that has seen it thinks it 's the prettiest garden stuff they ever saw , but it don 't look good to me . It 's so dry and it doesn 't look like we wil " I got a card from your Ma ( Annie ) stating that the operation was on the 16th but I have never had a word since then but suppose Jackie is all right . Don 't believe they give a d - for us out here , none of them ! Have had one small note from Pa since you left . Dale ( Gerald S ) was here last Friday and had dinner and fed his horses . He was on his way from George 's . He said he wished he could stay and help put the hay up but that he couldn 't . He told Mark he wanted Old Tom and would leave his Old Plug for us but we had Tom over to Bert Jenson 's pasture . Emmerson had put him there and I was glad the horse was there . If I need a horse 1 know Tom and I don 't know Dale 's horses . " Yes , dear , our store bill is going up and I don 't get anything we don 't need either . I had to get another book . I don 't know if Brig has any money from the Ditch Company or Jack yet , he hadn 't got any a while back but still he hasn 't made any kick . I guess I will have to cash my bond and give him some . Spencer Wlliams was also here the other day . " Lula ( Mecham ) was telling me some of the prospectors had found the Hadden ore . Jim and the Knight 's men are still in the mountains . " The kids and I went over to town on the 24th . It was a punk time and everybody stood around and talked about the water . Sure a discouraged bunch here now . We went over with Ray and Hazel . Emmerson and Floss went fishing . Everyone is doing as good as they can under the circumstances . Wish we could get another rain and I wish I could see you . Do hope your prospects turn out good so we can have enough to get along on without you being in one place and me in another . Do write as often as you can , Deary , as I am so lonesome without you . Lots of love from Mama and Babies . Wease wrote to Will on August 31 , 1918 and said , " Dear Will . I am lonesome for you tonight , are you lonesome for me ? How I wish you were home . Our hay is nearly all down . Warn came today and started cutting but it 's too bad he was so slow in getting it down . I don 't believe there will be much more than half the hay there would have been if it had been cut three weeks ago . It 's nearly all burned up now . Warn doesn 't think the patch will do to leave for seed and he says there isn 't any seed on it . Warn only got thirteen loads of hay off his patch this year . He says some of our hay is fine and some of it isn 't any good . Guess it 's all the fault of the irrigator , me , but I am thankful we have as much as we have . Warn doesn 't know about the grain , if we don 't get more water , he is afraid it won 't fill out . " It doesn 't look like we will ever get any more water . 1 think there are a few men working at it ( Page 35 ) now . I 'm afraid the gardens and spuds will soon be gone if we don 't get the water or rain . I got a letter from Vera tonight . Guess she is too busy to help Pa any , she says Grandma and Pa B are down to SLC . I also rec 'd a birthday letter with a $ 1 bill in it from dear old Pa ( Stephen Walker ) today . He is pretty well but is having a hard time of it . He wishes someone That Cared was over there to help him - the poor dear soul . I wish I had someone that cared to look after things here so I could go over and help him . " Mark says Tom and Snap would make a good team . Pa also said our little Jacky was well and he talked better than he did . I am so lonesome without him - are you ? " Alice went to the Office today . It took her 3 hours and 20 minutes . She said Old Pinto went as fast as she could . They are both awful slow , I mean Pinto and Snap are slow . " " Warn is all excited over prospecting . He is going over on Black 's Fork as quick as he gets our hay up . How is your rock looking by now ? I hope it turns out good . It wouldn 't seem right for us to get any money any way other by harOn July 4 , 1919 the Little Reservoir below Moon Lake washed out and the huge volume of water caused a break in the canal . Every man who could leave his farm used every tool that was available and worked in three eight - hour shifts around the clock to repair the damage . They attempted to build a dam across the canal above the break but the dam failed to hold . Crops were lost and livestock died before the water was again in the ditches . Little ( Page 36 ) Reservoir was never rebuilt . Instead a dam was constructed across a canyon near the frog pond that forms Twin Potts Reservoir . In the late summer of 1919 Will took Wease and all of the children except Mark , Alice and Vera to Peoa . Wease 's mother ( Lydia Marchant Walker ) was sick and Wease went to Peoa to take care of her . At this time Wease was pregnant with Grant . Grant Walker was born on December 29 , 1919 . Mark was ten years old in 1919 . The winter of 1919 was terrible and it was the year that the flu epidemic occurred and killed millions of people all over the earth . Several people in the Basin died that year from the flu , and all of the schools were closed . Alice , Vera and Mark remained in Mountain Home when Will took Wease and the other children to Peoa . Will then returned to Mountain Home to work and take care of the place . After returning home Will left Alice at the homestead to feed chickens , cows and to take care of the cabin and , since the school was closed , Mark and Vera went with their Dad to the Peterson Sawmill . The sawmill was located in the foothills between Rock Creek and Lake Fork . Will left the sawmill sometime in late November or early December and went to the cabin where he and Alice got in a car and left for Peoa to get Wease and the other children and bring them home . Alice said that , " when we got to Duchesne it was the first time I saw electric lights . " Vera and Mark stayed at the sawmill and worked . Mark remembered , " I worked hauling sawdust and taking care of animals , and Vera cooked meals for everyone . One time I took a wagon and team toMark said , " Uncle George lived down below Roosevelt someplace and not long before Gpa Mark Hopwood died he came to stay with George . Gpa got asthma so bad down to Roosevelt in July or August that he came up to our place . Gma Annie always insisted on him doing something , although he could 't even talk for coughing . He had the worst cough and asthma I ever seen in my life . It was hot that summer and the flies were bad Dad would fix a funnel out of screen and put it down in a bottle some way with just a little honey and it would get filled with flies real fast . Gpa Mark Hopwood was pretty cool and he 'd been through it all . He said that the thing we needed most was a screen door . He was a great carpenter and he built a damned good screen door that probably lasted for 40 - 50 years . I have thought a lot of times that there was nothing up at the homestead I would want . When it ( Page 38 ) comes right down to it though , I 'd have liked to have Gpa Mark 's screen door . Don 't know what I 'd do with it . It might still be there but I 've never been there to look for it . " Mother and Dad lived at the Abe Lyon home for about a year . This is the home that Abe Lyon 's built and that Cliff and Rayda Stevenson lived in for a long time . " Gpa Mark Hopwood got worse and some days he couldn 't even get out of the house . A little later they left for Salt Lake where he died in the home at 550 East 3300 South in August 1921 . Gpa was quite a tall fellow with not an ounce of meat on him as long as I knew him and he was a little bit dark complected . Gma Annie lived twenty years longer than Gpa Mark Hopwood and lived at this home for a long time . She loved flowers and planted lots of them around her home . Annie had diabetes and a heart condition and both she and her mother , Rhoda , suffered from a nerve problem on their faces . " Ralph Walker was born in 1923 ; Anna Dee in 1925 ; and Fred Walker in 1927 . Annie Bleazard wrote to her son , Will , on January 30 , 1927 and said , " I am glad more than I can tell you that you are all getting better . You must have had an awful hard time and even worse than we had around Xmas time . We are pretty well now . . . I could not be quite sure , Will , from your letter if it was Wease or the baby who was so nervous , but I thought it was Wease . She has had enough to wear out iron nerves . You must all try to do all you can to help her and make things go easy as possible for her . I do wish she could come home for a while ; a change might be good for her . I 've never seen medicine do much while the things that cause the nervous condition was the same . Gentle massage always toward the heart sometimes helps circulation . I 'll be glad when you can come home but be sure the roads are all right and things at home are right before you leave . Is Alice better ? Those measles are the worse kind this year than I ever heard about before . There are so many have trouble after the measles leave and so many have died . With buckets of love to you all From Ma . " Mark said , " Jack and I finally dug that well by the cabin . Everyone said there was no water there and it really didn 't look like there was any water . We started to dig and went down about twenty feet and hit water ! " Jack said , " I remember every shovel of it and I remember all the rocks that went in to prop it up . It was before me and Viola were married I propped that up to keep it from suckin ' in . Mark continued , " Mother planted an orchard with yellow transparent , Jonathan and other apple trees , raspberries , currents and gooseberry bushes . The trees had to be wrapped each fall with gunnysacks or levies ' to keep the rabbits from destroying them . It was one of her biggest jobs and some of us helped her wrap the trees . She loved that orchard and was very proud of it . She always planted and cared for a large vegetable garden . " " Mother made our clothes using the treadle sewing machine or we wouldn 't have had any clothes . It helped a lBill remembered , " A wooden barrel was by the stove because the moonshine had to be kept at a certain temperature . The barrel was thirty gallons and maybe even bigger . The barrel had an open top and was wood and he mixed barley and what it takes to make whiskey . Hell it must 've been good stuff . When I was just a little kid I remember the Indians coming down off Towanta Flat and sitting in front of the cabin . At the South there were no windows and god knows how long they 'd be sittin ' there . One of us would go out and there they 'd be . Dad would give the leader quart or two - quart fruit jars of whiskey and the rest of the Indians would follow the leader back to the Flat . I remember them circling the house , just like in the movies ! ' Dad told us that if a stranger came to the house , and really I don 't think there was more than two strangers came my whole life , or if the FBI or Sheriff came , we were to take the coarse rock salt in the bucket and put it in the barrel . Then they couldn 't prove it was whiskey , it was just hog slaw ! We never had to do that . " The Shirt 's had stills and quite a few people had stills . John Shirts , Susie 's husband Ed Stewart , Nick Killian , Ern Mitchell , and they were Dad 's drinking buddies . " Jack ( and his wife , Viola Mitchell ) remembered the sour water they drank was sometimes referred to as " fire water . " Mark worked at Mirror Lake in 1924 and he worked for the Rock Creek Cattle Association during 1925 - 26 . Mark said , " On January 9 , 1924 and on my fifteenth birthday , I went to Mutual at the Mountain Home Ward and several of the boys were playing Tag . Wesley Shirts was chasing me and I grabbed the piano as I went around it . One caster was off the piano and it fell on me and my leg was shattered in many places . I was in the Duchesne hospital for forty - five days and on crutches for a long time . The doctors thought the leg should be amputated because they didn 't think I would ever be able to bend the knee . I always had a limp because of this . My sister , Alice , was living in S " Dad was always going to be home and build a house , and we all got out logs and stuff . Jack and I got out plenty of logs to build a house but the logs were used to build the two shops instead of a house , and then we built a granary . We had thought we were going to get a house , but Dad thought the logs wasn 't good enough for a house . They would always be used to build a better granary , shop or something . Bill and Ralph and Grant were determined to build a house and I remember the logs out there about so high by that tent back of the house . They started on the house and it was built so high and never higher . Then Chick was going to build one . He did build the long one that was first a granary and then was remodeled and was a home for Grant and Lois . That one was built . " Bill said , " Chick was working at the Peterson Sawmill and got some logs , the ones that were split so the round part could go on the outside of the house and the flat side on the inside , not like the ones in the cabin . Hell , it got up to the half and stayed that way for a long time , in fact we had bedrooms out there - there was no roof . It was torn down maybe in the 30s . Charlie Fietkaw helped Jack and Chick and I think he helped with the granary . Grant and Lois lived there for quite a long time . " Jack remembered , " Chick got logs out to build a house but because they raised so much grain they had to use the logs to build a granary . Dad hired Charley Fietkau to build it . We had already started building it but when Charley came he tore it down and started over , guess we weren 't doing it right and that was about in 1932 . When the granary was completed we put grain in one end and beds in the other . " When Grant and Lois Lyons were married and after Grant got the place , they remodeled the granary and lived in it several years . They lived there until they sold the place to Dr . Abbott and moved over to Mountain Home . " Bill and Ralph started a house . They poured the foundation and laid the floor but something happened and they quit . " Mark said , " DApparently while most of this was going on Bill , Grant , Ralph and maybe Fred and the girls were helping their mother , Wease , and putting in the crops and tending the animals . Alice said , " Dad was at the sawmill a lot when I was young and he had to work there to make a living . He did not mine a lot then but I remember he did mine a lot as I grew older . He did a lot of prospecting and he believed in it . I think he had Mom thinking he could strike it rich . What I remember in the first place is that when Dad was a young man he was somewhere and found some little rock on the ground . He had it assayed and I think he got $ 20 out of it or something . That is what started him to go huntin ' gold mines , and that is what he did all the time . But right at first when they came out he didn 't go mining so much . . Maybe in the mountains in Rock Creek ' cause I remember some of the rocks he found . " Mark said , " Uncle Ted ( husband of Bertha Bleazard Miles ) would come out to the homestead and stay sometimes . If you see someone who just sits and reads you 'll be seeing someone just like Uncle Ted . It sometimes bothered Mother because she just had one of them big old square stoves that you put a three - foot long block of wood in , and a stove that had a reservoir at one end . Ted was the damdest fellow to read you ever saw . I 've seen that bastard sit with his feet up on the end of the stove all day long and read as Mother tried to do her cooking on that stove . " Bill remembered , " Uncle Ted had a long whip made of leather that was maybe 10 / 12 ft long . It was a whip that would be used when driving maybe 4 or 6 head of horses and he would reach out with that whip and pop us kids . Well , Ted could pick a fly of the wall with ( Page 47 ) that whip and I 've seen him chase Mark and Jack with that whip , popping it and chasing them all around the house . Ted spent quite a lot of time up at the cabin . He had a pipe with a little chrome band about half way up the stem and I figured I could get it on my finger for a ring . I kept askin ' him to " We dug a root cellar out South from the cabin a couple hundred yards on the knoll and it was a good cellar . Mother used to fill it with bottles of fruit and vegetables . We had a hay patch around it to help keep stuff from freezin ' but in the winter we didn 't get in that cellar very ofien . We 'd go out there and the chute would be chock full of snow and we 'd have to dig all that snow out before we could get in to get things . " When we was big enough me and Jack and Chick would borrow horses from Nick Killian or from Harwards and would catch them wild horses right up above Howard Rowley 's place . There was a lot of wild horses . Up ' till then we didn 't have a horse we could claim as our own . We would go up there in the spring of the year and the horses would be winter weak and we 'd catch them . We would let our horses go and some of the wild ones would follow them back to the homestead and then we 'd catch them . " Mark Walker Bleazard ( about 1929 ) " Lucy Rowley , a neighbor , has written about the wild horses and about her husband , John , " The wild horses used to come in the first year we were there . There would be so many colors and they 'd look like a flower garden . They would string clear across the flat and come to feed clear up to where we later had our orchard . Oh , they were so pretty running loose on the range . Dad used to kill the spring colts in the fall and we 'd eat the hindquarters . I couldn 't make it go down but would cook it for the rest . It was the smell of it that stayed on my hands . Dad used to take the meat all over the country to give to the Indians and non - Indians to keep them from starving . " Mark said , " I caught a lot of horses and even caught them when I worked for that Association . The wild ones we caught were the only kind of horses we had . We 'd catch them up across Towanta Flats and when you caught them ponies they were yours and you didn 't have to pay for them . That 's what we used for saddle horses . We caught Brownie in 1922 - 24 when he was about two years old . Once BrBill talked about Brownie and said , " I remember it like this . Reed Mitchell had three horses , Candy , Peanuts and Maude . He gave me old Maude and that damned old horse was just like ridin ' a rockin ' chair , he was a willow in a windstorm . Well , Maude had a colt and the colt was about two or three years old and Jack was gonna break it . He had it up in Harward 's corral and there were several horses there and he was trying to catch it and it kept runnin ' , so Jack picked up a rock and it hit the horse in the eye and blinded it . That was the one that I was supposed to have - the colt . I didn 't have a horse for a while . A bunch of young people , Mark , Jack , Chick maybe eight of them went up on the Flat and they run this herd of wild horses in and at that time Little Brown was probably about two years old . They brought the horses down into Harward 's field and ended up on the Ames field . The field was plowed and they ran that little horse out there and tried to rope him . I don 't know whether it was Jack or Mark that finally got him . You know , wild horses usually go crazy when you rope them and keep trying to get loose , but that damned horse just led along like any old broke horse you ever saw right from the beginning . " Joan remembers : " Brownie was at Talmage for a long time and my sisters , Barbara and Marlene , and I rode him to school . Later he was back at the homestead where all of the children of Jack , Bill , Grant and maybe all of the kids and their kids rode him . Little Brown was at Grant 's place when he and Lois found him dead . He was about thirty years old . " Mark said , " I don 't know what happened to some of the horses we caught . I do know that someone would come through the country and buy the horses and take them out to Salt Lake where they were probably re - sold and used for some kind of fish feed or meat or something . Dad would hear that someone was coming to buy horses and he would send us to round up some horses . He 'd leave us some horses and maybe sell the rest of them . We d start over and catch more wild horses . Bill Anderson took several of our horses over to Kamas one time . He paid us $ 5 a head and he sold them to the Fish Hatchery for maybe $ 15 / $ 20 a head . I remember one time that hurt me pretty bad . Jack Chick and me had a bunch of horses and we had them corralled . Dad kept a lot of pigs around and had nuthin ' to feed them . The horses were corralled and he was on the peck and he just got his gun and went down there and shot 1 , 2 , 3 of the best horses to feed to the pigs . We had enough horses as far as that goes , but this hurt me bad . ( Page 52 ) " There was a blind wild horse on top of that old baldy hill . The hill was as flat as the kitchen table out there and it dropped right off to ledges and rocks . It was quite a unique thing with cedars and then straight off . Them Indians used to believe they had to take a good horse to ride to the happy hunting grounds and I think this was one of those horses the Indians left there . The horse was still on that baldy hill when me and Art Harwood were catching horses , and I think the Indians must have put his eyes out . This horse must have been able to see a little though ' cause we 'd run him around and try to run him off the ledges . I don 't know why we did thLucy Rowley tells this story about Dick Wanrodes curing her husband , John . " Six days after John was struck , Dick Wanrodes came to the house . He looked all around to see if anyone else was in there , then he came in . I gave him a chair and he sat there for a while then he said ' Can I talk ? ' Sure you can talk , I told him . John can hear you but he can 't talk back . ' No ' Wanrodes said , ' I want to talk to God . ' I told him that would be all right . " Dick went out and got a pinch of that real fine dirt from out of the ditch in front of the house and rubbed it all over John 's head and chest and then he put his hands on John 's head and prayed over him . He then brushed all the sand off and put his hands on his head and prayed over him again . When he got through he knelt down and said the most wonderful prayer I ever heard . I couldn 't understand a word because it was all in Indian , but he was so humble and so sincere you could just feel it . Then Dick ( Wanrodes ) got up and said to me , Maybe we can talk a little in two days . You send for me when he can talk a little again . ( Page 53 ) Two days later , at two o ' clock in the morning , John said ' where 's Toots ? that 's what he called me . I was right there and he told me he wanted some water then he couldn 't say any more . I told him what Dick had said and asked him if I should get Smoot up or wait until morning . The river at Rock Creek was high and he motioned so I understood that he wanted me to wait . Just as soon as it was light I got Smoot up and gave him breakfast and he caught his horse and left . It was way in the afternoon before they got back The water was so high that Smoot just rode along the bank until Dick ( Wandrodes ) saw him . Dick had trouble catching his horse and had to swim the river . " Dick was all painted up with his war paint . Jim and Burt Shirts were in the house and Dick wouldn 't say a word ' till after they 'd left . Then Dick said , ' Did he talk a little ? ' I told him what he had said and the time it was when he had said it . Dick said tha " I remember seeing old stone outlines that looked like a building foundation and may have been a part of the Catholic Mission . There are burned parts of what may have been a cedar stockade . I remember when I was a kid seeing what I believe was a massacre site near the old ruins and even several of the carettas ( buckboards ) that had been partly burned or covered by Indians . In a small grove of aspens below Mountain Sheep Pass , I saw parts of three carettas that were crudely built and not very large , about the size of a small buckboard wagon . I often wondered how they got there because the area is so rough , and I think they may have been made at the mission . I also found six or eight holes that had been dug near ( Page 55 ) those carettas which looked like rifle - pits . I have talked with people who said that where I saw the broken and burned carettas the ground used to look like a battlefield . They mentioned the bone of both animals and humans sticking out of the ground where coyotes or other animals had probably dug into gravesites years before . Later I found what may be another site further down country just off Blue Bench at Zimmerman Wash . It is close by the old burial ground atop the ledges by the Indian Race Track . It might have been where a last stand was made by fleeing miners and soldiers . Early settlers have found old caretta wheels , sun - warped leather shoes and pieces of matchlock muskets . " My brother , Bill , and I worked on a leased section of Indian land downstream from Miner 's Gulch known as Daniels Flat . There was , and still is , a log cabin there that was built by Walt Daniels . Daniels was an Indian Ranger who kept a close watch on that area , including the old mine in nearby Dick Hollow . We herded cattle in places like Pigeon Water and Miner 's Gulch and would ride our horses from our cabin to Sadie 's Flat . At that time Sadie 's Flat was a small Indian settlement with about two - dozen log cabins and only that one cabin remains today . We were never bothered or followed by our Indian neighbors unl . Mark said , " I herded sheep in Colorado for Pete Ottosen in 1928 . " Alice said in June 1993 , " When Mark went to Colorado to herd sheep he bought a camera with the little money he had and when he came home he gave the camera to me . I still have that camera and that sweet memory . " Mark said , " We had a big black stallion named Frank . People from Mountain Home got together and dug up $ 2500 and sent to England and bought the Percheron stallion . They had Frank shipped over but when they got him here many people didn 't have enough stuff to feed him and so we had him the last ten years of his life . My team of horses , Bess and Sis , were both out of him , they were his granddaughters . Most of the horses in that upper country can be traced back to him . " " When the threshers would come there would be about ten or maybe a dozen men come with their teams , and there were maybe two or three thresher crews around the country . Beckstead had a thresher crew . They 'd just come and while the men worked the women would prepare meals for the threshers . Neighbors helped one another . There 'd be a tub sit out front to wash in before lunch . How my mother ever fixed for the threshers , I don 't know ! ( Page 56 ) I remember when the threshers were at Housekeepers one time . They had this big table along a wall with things to sit on at both sides of the table . They didn 't have enough knives and forks to go around . We got in and sat down and Hoot Wilkins was there and Hoot was sitting right across from me and he didn 't have a fork or knife so he just reached over and took mine ! What little food she had Mrs . Housekeeper ( Lenora ) put on the table . Here she comes with a pumpkin pie and she just dished mine out and I ate it in a minute . When we got through dinner there wasn 't a scrap of nuthin ' left on the plates . She looked over at us and said , " Did you have plenty , Mr . Wilkins ? ' Hoot said ' Yes . ' Did you , Mr . Bleazard ? ' Yup ' She asked several other men and they all said ' Yes . ' Mrs . Housekeeper said , ' Well , it looks like I cooked just enough . ' I know she had cooked every dam thing she had . They lived up on top of the hill from Dad 's place . They was a poor , a very poor , family and they never had nuthin ' and didn 't take care of nuthin . ' They had eleven kids . " Bill remembered , " Let 's see , there was Zelma , Mark 's girl and we called her Zelmee . Lizzy , that was Jack 's girl but he didn 't like her that well . There was Rosetta and we called her Rosette . Alvin was my age , and there was Jesse . Well we would ride to Mountain Home to get the mail and I remember those three gals maybe 4 , 6 and 9 years old , they were pickin ' pine nuts . They had a long stick with a wire hook and one would jump up and try to hook the pine nuts and as she jumped she said ' ComMark said , " Nick Killian , Dad 's partner , had kids pert near my age and he was maybe 20 - 25 or more years older than me . Nick always helped Jack and me if we was ever in need of anything and if we couldn 't get it from Dad . We had a chance of getting it from Nick . " Annie Bleazard wrote to her son , Will , 0n May 2 , 1929 as follows : " Dear Son and Family . I been hoping to get a line from you to let me know how you are all getting along but so far I 've not heard since you wrote to tell me about Alice having a baby . Ray ( Oman ) sent a card a few days after your letter came . What are they naming the baby ? ( The baby was Wilma and she was born 4 / 6 / 29 ) . " The big sack of Germade came the beginning of the week . I thank you so much for it , you can 't know what a big help it is . Delbert ( Deb ) went out to Wyoming where Oscar is to help with sheep . I do hope they will give him something that he can do and also that he will stay with it for a while anyway . He only went on the 23rd of April so he has not had time to know much about it yet . " We have good weather here now but everything is a month behind time , still it will grow fast when things get warmed up a bit . George and Dale have both been in but only had a few minutes to stay but that was better than not seeing them . I think I will go up to Park for a day or two . Bird is not very well . Do you remember how your Grandma Rhoda used to suffer with a pain in her face ? Since little Tiny died she is a nervous wreck and she don 't get over her troubles very good . " I guess , Wease , you was about the only one who was not there at the funeral . Laura said she saw our Vera not long ago and how well she looked . I 'm a lot better now but lazy I guess for I can 't do much work any more . Please write soon and let me know how you all are . How is Mark doing ? With much love to you all . From Ma . " Mark said , " About my Dad , Will ? There isn 't any of the kids that he got along with very good with . Oh , you have to get along , I guess . Like Bill ? Bill he went to war in the Pacific and had a real bad time and when he come back he went to help Dad Something happened and Dad told him that if he couldn 't get along here to get the hell out . It wasn 't very long till he told me that too . " Bill said , " I just left . Dad and I decided , or rather Dad decided , to bring some water down the ridge there by Ames . We had a ditcher and a plow and Dad decided to turn the water in . When the horses would get to pulling and we were soppin ' wet with the mud and stuff hittin ' us - and well , he was goin ' to do it his way ! I had been takin ' orders and listening to that for quite a few years in the Army and I just decided to leave and come to Salt Lake . Dad was a great one for ' Be reasonable , do it my way ! ' " Bill served in the Pacific in World War II and he said , ' In the service guys got an allotment that they could assign to someone and I made out my allotment for Mother and I tried to make sure that she would be the one to get it and Mother appreciated that . We were paid a dollar a day maybe $ 50 a month and all I got out of it was $ 6 . 25 a month . They took out $ 25 of my pay and the government matched it for my Mother and she got that $ 50 a month . She mentioned several times that it was the one time in her life she had some money of her own to spend . " Bill 's wife , Beverley , said , " Mother was a saint and she had a nifty sense of humor . We had great times when she stayed with us in Salt Lake and when we went to Idaho we laughed and laughed . Once in Hailey , Idaho it was a very hot day and our l " Dad stayed at our home in Talmage for a while after Mother died and he also stayed with Alice , Chick and Bill for a while . Most of the time he lived with Anna Dee at her home in Magna , Utah . He had a stroke and died on December 15 , 1955 . " When Dad and Mother 's estate was settled Jack got the Harward place . Different ones got different stuff . Grant got the pickup and the cows and he paid $ 18 , 000 for the place and the cows . I had to figure that the total amount of everything that Dad had when he died place and all , and I figure the total was about $ 40 , 000 . I had to split that up between everybody . I came out with the twenty - two head of cattle permit and a little money . I had that money split amongst them and the machinery and all the stuff and I tried to be as fair as I could . I was also the Executor of Gpa Mark Hopwood Bleazard 's estate and I worked for a long time trying to get it all taken care of . " The Decree of Distribution on John William ( Will ) Bleazard 's estate was recorded on March 25 , 1958 in Duchesne County . It states , " in the hands of said Administrator for distribution is the sum of $ 22 , 719 . 40 and after claims expired and debts and obligations have been paid the heirs - Alice , Jack , Mark , Chick , Rhoda , Bill , Grant , Ralph , Anna Dee , Fred , and Vera 's daughter , Louise Bearden , each got $ 2 , 065 . 40 . The administrator 's fee of $ 641 . 37 and attorneys fee of $ 962 . 16 are reasonable and should be allowed " Mark said , " A Dr . Abbott owns Dad 's place now , and Floyd Lyons leases the place and runs cows on it . Jack traded or sold his place ( Heber Harward place ) where he and Viola had lived for twenty years to a Miller in Roosevelt and they purchased a new place on Montez Creek . " After I got the twenty - two head cattle permit , the first thing they wanted to do was cut it . I was spokesman for the Association on Pigeon Water with a six - month permit for twenty - two head I went to the Forest Service and instead of them cutting it , I got them to enlarge the permit and cut the time . The number of cows was increased to forty - four head and the time cut to three months . " On Thanksgiving Day in 1927 the dam across the canyon near the frog pond ( which forms Twin Potts Reservoir ) washed out . The water stored behind it rushed down the river washing ouA GREEN SUIT and a YELLOW CHIFFON DRESS |
As we prepare to leave the town that has been our home for the last 19 years , there 's a story that some people know and some don 't that traces the arc of our years here that bears retelling . I 've been asked to tell it many times over the last 12 years . In its immediate aftermath , I couldn 't leave the house without being asked to tell it or in some way be reminded of it . With the passage of time and the inevitable turnover of neighbors and friends , I 'm asked about it much less frequently . That doesn 't mean I don 't think about that day almost every time I walk down our street . I retell it here not for any purpose other than posterity and to share some reflections about that day that have grown more refined over time . We moved to Wilmette in 1998 , shortly after I dodged a work - related bullet by not moving to Charlotte , NC for a job working with people I didn 't think I would have enjoyed in a place that didn 't feel right for our family for a variety of reasons . Our family of five had outgrown our three - bedroom , 1923 French Tudor in Arlington Heights , and we had been looking to move within that community when the Charlotte opportunity first appeared . I took the call to discuss the job on an April day after a storm dropped four inches of slush and I was walking to the train without any boots , ruining my shoes . Frustrated by the seeming endlessness of winter , Charlotte seemed like a good idea at the time . Despite my misgivings about the position , we were willing to entertain moving for the financial rewards it offered . Before accepting the position , I spoke to my boss , telling him that I didn 't want to go , but felt I had no economic choice . To my surprise and relief , the firm matched the offer and made me feel warm and also fuzzy . With the economic deal neutralized , I could focus on working with the people I liked , in a place I felt comfortable . But our willingness to relocate raised a question : why were we willing to move 800 miles away , but only look for a new home within a one square mile area of Arlington ? It was time to broaden the search . With a helpful sister - in - law in Evanston , the new search area included Wilmette and after a couple disappointments in both towns , we landed here . Our transition to Wilmette was eased by the fact that there were several people in my group who lived in town , as did a couple other people I knew around the firm . One was an Arlington native . The other was a Canadian . Both played tennis and invited me into their regular games . We 'd frequently meet at a park in Southeast Wilmette that was walking distance from our homes . The Canadian had been with the bank for many years , and was stationed for a time in Brazil . It was there that he and his wife adopted a small boy . I think he was about three years old when they took him in . Whenever anyone spoke of the boy 's life before the adoption , it would invariably include tales of how challenging it had been , including references to the child wandering the streets alone and scavenging for food . Through the years , I 'd hear stories from my colleague of his adopted son 's challenges in school or sports with his fiery temper , and how it taxed my Canadian friend 's essential Canadian - ness . Three jobs later , and for reasons more complicated than bear telling here , we arrived on Beechwood Avenue in April 2005 . I had started working for a group that covered the mortgage industry . Even then , there were signs of a looming collapse ( although it was viewed as " another mortgage cycle , " and not yet as something that would break the world 's financial system ) . I had a client from South Carolina who had their annual bank meeting at Westmoreland CC in Wilmette . I 've forgotten exactly why a Greenville , SC company would do such a thing , but they enjoyed the facility and it made it much easier on their Chicago bankers , so we embraced it . It was May 23 , 2005 . We had always had dogs growing up . I loved animals in general , and always seemed to connect with them . If you 're walking your dog down the street chances are good that I 'll greet your dog before acknowledging you . Having the love of a dog is an irreplaceable feeling for me . Their need for you to care for them is matched by their desire to care for you . The way they hug you with their eyes , and know when you need some of their kindness . Their unrestrained joy when they see you after an absence of any length is infectious to me . Our first dog arrived when I was in kindergarten ; a black dachshund named Schatzie . She made it until I was in 5th grade , when she succumbed to something I can 't remember . I recall having to walk the three blocks home at lunch on days when my mother was substitute teaching to tend to her during her last days . I remember being tremendously sad and lonely in the days following her death . I was ten . My wife wasn 't a dog person . I 'm told they had a dog for a very short time when she was very young ( only long enough to take one picture , I think ) . As a result , the absence of a dog in her life left her with no pressing need to get one as our family grew . Knowing that she 'd be the one to tend to the pet most of the time , I deferred to her on the subject . As the kids grew , the demands for a pet grew more incessant . At one point , the girls asked for a cat . It led to the only real lie we 've told our kids . We told them that we were allergic to cats . While Midge wasn 't a dog person , she was definitely not a cat person . ( Cat people tell me often about how great their cat is , and proclaim their pet 's canine qualities . If the best thing you can say about your cat is how much it 's like a dog , you should have gotten a dog and saved yourself the trouble . ) By the fall of 2004 , we could wait no longer , and contacted a breeder in Indiana for a cockapoo . Born in September , Tillie arrived at Thanksgiving . She was everything we wanted . Calm , cute , and playful , she was great in all respects . I think she only barked a dozen times in her horribly short life . We found that she had calcifying discs in her back at age three that left her in need of surgery when one of them ruptured . Given her very young age , we thought she deserved a chance , so she made it through the surgery and recovery , only to have another disc go out two years later . With six more deteriorating discs , and a deteriorating quality of life , it was clear that she couldn 't go on . She was so sad at the end . We waited for our oldest to come home from college at Thanksgiving for one final goodbye . The last month , November 2009 , was an emotional nightmare . I remember everything about the last walk we had and the last time I saw her . The fundamental unfairness of having that happen to such a sweet little dog breaks my heart . She and her sad eyes were looking to me for help and I feel like I failed her . I 'm ( obviously ) still not over it . With our move to Beechwood in 2005 , Tillie , then about 8 - months old , needed to learn her new boundaries , so we 'd take her in the back yard on a leash and walk her around while we waited for the infernal invisible fence to be installed . On that May morning , having returned from one of my infrequent trips to Life Time Fitness and with some time on my hands before my meeting , I walked Tillie around the backyard . The street was buzzing with activity as kids were on their way to school . I didn 't realize it at the time , but it was the last day for seniors at New Trier . You grow familiar with noises . The ones from your neighborhood and those from the inventory of sound you 've accumulated over a lifetime . The way the neighbor kid screams at her brother . The teenagers yelling for their friends . The neighbor 's car and the way they zoom away . While we 'd not lived there long , one thing was certain . The level of activity on the street and the high number of little kids meant that it was impossible or simply dangerous to drive fast . But as I stood holding the leash in my backyard that morning , I heard what had to be a truck coming down the block from east to west at a high rate of speed and accelerating . I knew it was a truck not just because of the volume of the engine , but from the sound the knobby tires made as they raced up our concrete street . It got my attention . I began to walk toward our back door . Running the last few steps into our kitchen , I yelled at our daughter to get the dog off the leash and headed for the front door . By the time I got out the front door the screaming had stopped . I looked to the west to see that a black pickup truck had jumped the curb and had hit a car parked at the end of the driveway three doors down . It was stopped at an angle to the car in the driveway on the grass . Next to the truck , I saw a man in a white t - shirt standing over a woman , kicking her repeatedly . While that was bad enough , I also saw that she was making no effort to defend herself . I took off running toward him , screaming something really smart like , " Hey , stop that ! " The clear thinking had already stopped . I 've heard criminal lawyers talk about the misconception that eyewitness testimony is detailed and accurate . The Innocence Project , a place I volunteered while between banking gigs , says that faulty eyewitness testimony is responsible for 70 % of false convictions . In the minutes that followed , I gained a firsthand appreciation for how confused and foggy memories can be . While I wrote most of what you 're about to read down contemporaneously , there were details I couldn 't remember even five minutes after it was over . As I got to the site of the incident , I saw two people standing near the front step of the house . I identified them as older , like my parents ' age . The man was wearing a jacket and tie . I have no idea what the woman had on . Even though I was thirty feet from them , I couldn 't tell you what they looked like . It was a little like a Magritte painting , except their faces were pixelated rather than covered with apples . I couldn 't understand why they were just standing there , as the young woman lay motionless . " Call the cops ! " I yelled as I ran by , in a voice that implied , " you idiots ! " It was the last I saw of that couple for three or four months . I later found out that they were just standing there because the older man had tried to stop the beating and had been attacked himself by the young man . Having started running as soon as he heard me yelling , the assailant had a three - house lead on me , heading west down the sidewalk . I yelled at him . " We have your car . We 'll find out who you are , " never even thinking that it might be a stolen vehicle . He looked back , but kept running down the sidewalk . Two houses down from the incident , a delivery guy walked into the front yard and asked what was going on as I ran past . I shouted something and saw him start running with me , about a house and a half behind me . It was only as he approached the corner that it occurred to me that he might be armed , but for some reason , I didn 't think he had a gun . I recall thinking , " He might have a knife . " Weird , no ? Afterword , I thought I 'd never seen anyone that angry before and if he 'd have had a gun he would have already used it . Thank god that wasn 't the case . The gap between us was growing . I 've always hated running and never do it . As a high school tennis player , our coach would make us run 2 1 / 2 miles if practice didn 't go as he 'd intended , so I always associated running with punishment . " I 'll take up running the next time I see a runner smiling while they do it , " said Joan Rivers . I felt the same way , but on this day , I wished I had been better at it . He 'd rounded the corner and was heading south on Hunter , with his speed increasing as I was fading . Instinct is a funny thing . A couple weeks ago , I was in an Uber going to O ' Hare and got rear - ended in heavy traffic on the Kennedy Expressway . Already late and unable to get to a CTA stop without a long walk , I got out of the car and hailed a taxi in the middle of the highway . I didn 't really sit there and think about it . I evaluated my options ( sit there and wait , go get on the L , get in another car ) , checked them off one by one ( the insurance information exchange was going to take a while , the L was too far and it was raining , let 's try to get another ride ) and just did it . I don 't know why I stepped into the road and started waving my arms to get someone to stop , but I did . In some ways it was brilliant , but I was flagging down cars going in the wrong direction , so it wasn 't that brilliant . A car with a mom and a young girl in the back - seat heading north slowed , and I approached the drivers ' side and quickly give her the story , asking her for a ride to catch up to the guy running south in the white t - shirt . I was convincing enough for her to agree to give me a ride , but not without some precautions . She ordered her daughter into the front seat , and me into the back . She whipped the car around to go head south . As we started , we passed my delivery man friend , still running after the guy . " Stop and pick that guy up . He 's helping me catch him . " I said . To her great credit , the woman refused . " I 'm not letting two strange men into my car , " she said . Smart woman . I 'd never seen her before , and haven 't since that day . I later found out her name was Nancy . Now southbound , we passed him as he crossed Chestnut , still running down the sidewalk . Nancy pulled over at Thornwood and let me out . We now had him bracketed , with the delivery man coming up the rear and me in front . He came directly at me . The distance he 'd covered running seemed to have no effect on him . My time commandeering a vehicle and sitting in the car gave me enough of a break that I could now function , although I was still 20 years his senior . Getting my first up - close look at him , I now see that he 'd never neglected arm day at the gym . Not a good sign . Again , my instincts kicked in . Growing up in the era of Ali , I began to circle clockwise , backpedaling with my hands up like the Greatest of All Time once did . After ducking a couple punches from him , he surprised me by saying , " I give up " a couple times . I think he was waiting for me to drop my guard , because every time he said it , he 'd throw a couple more errant punches . At some point , I was able to grab his arm . He spun and as I hung on , I lost my footing . I 'm not sure how , but I ended up on top of him , but on my back . I was lucky to get my chin down before his well - toned arm came around to choke my pencil neck . His arm stayed over my mouth and chin , squeezing . Now on my back , I could see the handful of people gathered around ; all but one of them women . While the attempted choking continued , I asked the assembled group , " Is no one going to help me ? " It wasn 't meant as a rhetorical question , but it unfortunately functioned as one . At some point there was a shift of position , and I ended up on top of him , with him on all fours , in the starting position for a wrestling match , again , professing to give up . ( I later found out that he was a high school wrestler . ) Still fully flexed and ready to spring if I let up on him , I asked , " If you give up , why are you still struggling ? " He offered no reply . I think that the only advantage I had was my weight . Finally , a reward for being a fat ass . Having modest control of the situation , I felt a very strong urge to hit him . I didn 't though , fearing that disconnecting from him would give him an opportunity to either escape or attack me . I was content to hang on and ride it out . Suddenly three squad cars came to a screeching stop . Officers come out with their hands on their guns . Unsure of what they encountered and who was the " bad guy , " there was a moment 's hesitation . Then I felt the kid relax , knowing the end had come . Seconds later , he was handcuffed . It was over . Starting with the beating of Rodney King in Los Angeles , we 've grown sadly accustomed to the grotesque site of police officers beating civilians - or worse . Following the King beating , fellow LAPD officers were quoted as talking about the adrenaline of the chase and how that affects officers once their assailant is caught . At the moment at which my assailant was cuffed and controlled by authorities , it was then that I wanted to kick his ass . It was an almost out of body experience . I remember hearing myself yelling at him . I 've not hit anyone since I was in 7th grade , but at that moment , I really wanted to go at him . I 'm very glad I didn 't . I 'm not in any way excusing those officers who participate in those terrible incident . They 're professionals and supposed to be able to control those emotions and act professionally to protect the community and the rights of the accused , but in that moment , I understood a little better what those LA cops were talking about . I asked the officers about the status of the victim . They looked at each other , perplexed . I was later told that 9 - 1 - 1 had received 16 calls from people along the route of the chase , so the police had no clear idea of where they were going or what they were going to find . Unfortunately , in the chaos , apparently no one had called for an EMT . Grabbing a ride home from one of the officers , we stopped in front of the scene of the initial incident . The young girl was still lying there , motionless . A woman was standing over her . I later found out that it was her mother , who had inadvertently witnessed her daughter 's beating , without knowing it was her daughter being victimized . I walked the remaining distance home . My wife , who had been upstairs drying her hair when I flew out the front door , was still up there with a jet engine in one hand and a brush in the other . Jazzed on adrenaline like never before , I couldn 't sit down . Panting like a dog on a hot day when she finally saw me , she thought I was having a heart attack . Over the next several minutes , I told her what had transpired . We watched the paramedics arrive down the street and the crime scene tape strung up around the yard . I went to my meeting . I stood in the back and paced for most of it , still unable to sit still and still fighting a racing heartbeat . I played golf that day , too . Unlike most days , I remember nothing of that round , other than talking to my wife who had been contacted by the police , asking me to come in that evening . When I went to the police station to talk to the Assistant State 's Attorney , I told my story , but I also had some questions about the assailant . Would his family know about my involvement ? Was there any reason to be concerned for the safety of my family ? How was the victim ? Why did this happen ? No , the young lawyer told me , there was no reason to be concerned about your safety . She said , " The young man lived in Southeast Wilmette and … " A bomb went off in my head . I didn 't hear anything after that , for I knew that it was my Canadian friend 's son . A feeling of sadness overcame me , as concern for my friend and his family was added to my concern for the victim and her family . Over the course of the next few weeks , more of the questions about what had happened and why were answered . We learned he had been romantically involved with the girl , who was two years younger , during their high school days . They had broken up , but he hadn 't handled it well , harassing her in various ways . He eventually left high school early , a departure that was in some way linked by some to his inability to get over their relationship . After that , his life apparently hadn 't worked out as he 'd planned and he held her responsible . I was told that since this particular Monday was to be her last day at the high school that caused him such trouble , it seems he had decided to ruin her high school experience as she had ruined his . He was lying in wait for her to walk to school , and he planned on doing harm to her with his truck . When in custody , he told the police , " I was trying to kill her . " Like many people , I really don 't like those interviews you see on TV where the reporter asks victims or witnesses about what they 're thinking or feeling in the immediate aftermath of something awful . I was hoping that no call would come for me to give one of those interviews . It did . I was reluctant to talk , knowing that the story was much more complicated than people could know , given my connection to the father of the attacker , and I was sensitive to both families . I knew of the need for a pithy quote and worried sounding foolish or flippant . I knew that the story would contain errors - not deliberately , but rather a misstatement or an omission of a meaningful fact . I understand that the number of column inches available isn 't infinite and parts of the story don 't fit , but those factors left me reluctant to participate . The interview request came from the son of a friend of ours . He was a young journalist for the local paper , looking to get started . He was introduced to me as his father 's son . I relented to do the kid a favor . As the interview progressed , I realized that I should have trusted my instincts . Ultimately it was probably fine , because people have short memories and don 't take those things as seriously as I do , but it was still uncomfortable and not something I 'd do again . I don 't remember the exact extent of the victim 's injuries , but I think she at least had a concussion and a broken jaw . There may have been a skull fracture and a collarbone injury in there , too . She was hospitalized for quite a while . We had some friends who had children the same age as the victim . High school graduation was coming . As the day approached , I was told that it wasn 't clear if she 'd be able to walk with her class . The day after the ceremony , I was told of the tumultuous ovation she received as she was the final graduate presented , having gone directly from the hospital to the ceremony . We had no contact with her or her family for an extended period ; an almost uncomfortable length of time . But later that summer , we got a call from her mom with a request to come by for a visit . We sat in our back yard and talked . She 'd never heard the story of what happened that day . Her mom hadn 't walked down toward our end of the block since it happened . She was quiet and still dealing with all of it when we met . It would have been a lot for an adult of any age to handle , let alone an 18 - year old . She was off to college in the fall and anxious to get out of Wilmette . Her mom was anxious to sell the house and get off the block that almost took her daughter . No one would blame either of them for wanting to get out . In the years since 2005 , I 've received a few Christmas cards from the victim , who is now married and living out of state . We exchanged emails a few years ago , but nothing more . I 'm fine with that . I represent a bad day for her . No one should have to relive that experience indefinitely . I hope she 's ok . I think about her when I pass her old house to our east , and pass the site of the incident to our west . We all move on . Given my relationship with his father , I was uncomfortable with the fact that charges were filed in my name against him , but in the larger scheme , I suspect they meant little . After that first day , I never had any more contact with the police or those prosecuting the case . I heard through friends that he would going to plead guilty to attempted murder and a sentence and prison location were being worked out . He would eventually be sentenced to 7 1 / 2 years in state prison . During the case , there was a young woman from a nearby suburb who decided to end her life . The method she chose was to get in her car and speed through a crowded intersection . When she did that , she hit another car and killed three people in the same family . She survived . She was sentenced to 3 years in prison . After that , I stopped looking for rational conclusions from the criminal justice system . My Canadian friend was eventually transferred to Charlotte . I only saw him once after the incident , at the birthday party of a mutual friend . We talked for a short time . I was surprised that he thanked me for being there that morning . He told me that I saved his son from doing worse damage . Until that moment , I 'd never really considered that , even after hearing about what he told the police . I heard that retirement was coming soon , and that they hoped to return to Canada . There was one last complication . While my Canadian colleague and his wife had become U . S . citizens , their son had not . When non - U . S . citizens are released from jail , they are deported to their home country . That meant a trip loomed to a country that he 'd not been to since he was a toddler ; a place to which he had no connection . Through negotiations with the Canadian government , a deal was cut to let the now 30 - year old live in British Columbia with relatives , a few miles north of the U . S . border , while his parents live in Washington on the U . S . side , a few miles south of the Canadian frontier . In 2013 , the family was at last reunited in British Columbia . I concluded early on that the young man wasn 't a truly bad person , despite his actions . He was just someone who 'd gotten twisted up and made a series of increasingly horrible decisions . I knew it because of the way he fled . He didn 't cut through yards or scale fences . The entire time , he stayed on the sidewalk . What serious criminal does that ? He was scared and he , too , resorted to an instinct bred into him by years of obeying - he ran down the sidewalk . Perhaps that 's overly generous . I don 't know . It really doesn 't matter what I think . He received the punishment the judicial system set out for him and he 's moved on , trying to lead a productive life . I wish him well . As parents , we 're prisoners to our kids ' actions . No matter how well they 're raised , kids occasionally make poor decisions . We 're just hopeful that no one gets hurt in the process and any damage done is fixable . Most of the time they don 't go as far as this nightmare did , but we 've all heard stories of the really dumb things kids do that land them in serious trouble . This story is just on the extreme end of that scale . This made me think differently as I watched the news or read stories about crimes . The circle of victims doesn 't just include those involved in the incident . The perpetrator 's family is also sucked into the wake of the event and its long - term complications . In the first few months after the incident and the story spread , I found myself in conversations with many people about the incident . People who had also adopted children told me that the story exemplified their worst fears ; that no matter how good they were at parenting their children , there was something innate , something deep inside the child they couldn 't manage . Something that might lead them to something like what I 'd witnessed . Nature or nurture ? Then there were those who focused on the fact that we had just moved to the area , looking for deep meaning in the linkage between our move to Beechwood and my being in the backyard that morning to hear the truck race down the street . Do you think that God put you there ? Those and others are great questions . I don 't know that I 'll ever land on answers to any of them . Without thinking about it , I 'd helped two people avoid a worse situation than each was currently in , which is why we 're here , isn 't it ? If you 'd have seen it , you 'd have done the same thing . I hope that if it was my kid lying there , you 'd step in . |
experiences when he pledged a fraternity in the mid - ' 90s . Written under the pen name of " John Walsh " , the story has become a time - tested classic . Although the last chapter was published in 2003 , fans continue For years he 'd been hinting that he had partially written chapters . His fans , of course , begged him to either finish them or share what he had . Finally , he did that , but in an extremely low key way . He posted two emails to a small Yahoo group and added an attachment to the second email that included a rough draft of what he believed was one of his most important unpublished chapters . I was recently shocked and thrilled to learn from Billy , a reader who stumbled on this blog , that the small Yahoo group was reinstated some weeks after it was deleted . ALL of the messages remain deleted . ALL of the original membership was removed . However , still posted in the files section is a long lost gem , JW . htm . The file is titled " Part of John Walsh 's Synopsis . " Because I continually participated in all of the various Walsh - related yahoo groups , I am confident that I 've read everything he 's ever posted . For that reason , I don 't believe this file is part of anything bigger . I believe the only other part of Walsh 's synopsis is the much longer , story - ending Internet chat session that happened in 2004 . These " missing chapters " are exactly what I 've been looking for and what 's posted below is exactly what I remember reading . As far as I know , there 's nothing more . This is it . The way the file is posted in the Yahoo group , it looks like one chapter . But because I remember how it was originally written , I know what the three different parts were . I have marked them below . Other than that , and a few minor spelling corrections , what 's posted below is the same file that 's still posted in the Yahoo group . Happy Memorial Day Weekend Everyone . I hope you are all doing well . I 'm better , after the little emotional breakdown that I had . Whew , I had a lot of things hitting me at once . Problems with a current relationship , a new attraction , a focus on a not so pleasant time of my life that I haven 't confronted in a long time , and the realization that I had to address a broken , very broken , relationship of the past . I have a long way to go before I think I can have peace of mind , but I am working towards that . But the fact that I am facing all this , and I see that it will all turn out for the best , puts me in a much better frame of mind than I was a couple of weeks ago . Again , I want to thank each and everyone one of you for the e - mails you sent with kind words and caring . It means more than you know , and in a way , is giving me the courage to do what I have to do . That said , I promised that I would never let the story end without wrapping it up . This may sound choppy , as I am going to try and fit a lot in a brief space , but maybe someday I will come back and fill in the middle . So here goes . . . Kevin and I continue to have a " secret relationship " . I slowly become more comfortable with man - man sex and do become a much more willing and reciprocating partner . There came a point in time in my sophomore year that we were really pushing the envelope , hooking up in places where we should have been caught but never were , like in the bathroom at the Fraternity House while there was a line waiting outside to use the bathroom . I should also mention that we did not get our charter back that year . While we were away for Spring break , a new group had petitioned to be recognized as well . It was a Fra - rority , as we called it . A group of 10 ( minimum amount needed ) made up of guys and girls . No one had ever even heard of this group , and we believe was put together by the dean of student life last minute to take our spot . Since the cap was put in place , with just one spot open , only one of us could be recognized . The dean also pulled somethiBefore going home summer after my freshman year , I went on the annual canoe trip that my Fraternity has the weekend after finals were done . Its pretty much a send off to the graduating seniors . 8 hours of going down a river wasted and then camping out for the night . A bunch of us did mushrooms that day , neither Kevin nor Adam were shrooming . At one point , while my mind was tripping hard , I mentioned to Adam that what he saw in the tent at the pledge camping trip between Kevin and I wasn 't the only time that it had happened . I don 't remember it all that well since I was so fucked up , but what I do remember is that it was like a 20 second conversation . Didn 't mean to tell him , and didn 't even realize that I told him . You have to know shrooms to get how that can happen . One second you say one thing , and then the next second , you are on a completely different subject with no going back . I don 't think that Adam even reacted . He knew I was wasted and let me go on . That summer I worked in the beach club again . Although I was a little apprehensive to hook up with a guy so close to home , after awhile I couldn 't resist my urge and was hooking up almost nightly with that guy Bobby . Bobby was the first guy that I fucked . And once I did , I loved it . It was definitely a drunk thing , knocking on his cabana at 2 in the morning and having sex . I was definitely using him . I 'm not bragging , and regret it . We are still friends , Bobby and I , to a certain degree . We 've talked about it , and I have apologized to him . But he never complained , and said that no apology was necessary . He knew that nothing " romantic " would ever happen between us , so in a way , he was using me as well . Also that summer , I went down to the Jersey shore for a weekend and hung out at Adam 's . We were really stoned one night and had a blast . Lying on the beach , Adam asked me if it was true what I had said about Kevin at the canoe trip . I hardly remembered telling him , and it shocked me . Come to think of it , the only real memory I have of the conversation at the canoe trip is what Adam told me . So its really his memory in my head . I told him that it was true , and was very shy about it . I asked him if he had ever hooked up with a guy before and he said that he had , in high school . He also admitted , that just like Kevin and I , he and Andy ( pres ) had messed around in the sleeping bag the night of their camping trip . But nothing ever happened between them again . When he was really stoned , he also admitted that from time to time , he still thought about hooking up with guys , but didn 't think that he could ever do it again . Nothing that night happened between Adam and I . I was too afraid to initiate it , and who knows what could have happened , but I think that it could have . But still , it is one of the most memorable nights that I had . We really had a lot of fun , and one of the funniest fucking things happened that night that till this day , I still can 't get through the story without crying from laughter and my stomach hurting . [ The Second Email ] Sophomore year was a blast . Since Matt was away , and I really missed him , I lived with who I think I called Evan in the story . Big druggie and sold on campus . That quickly rubbed off on me ( not selling , just using ) and was pretty much stoned , coked up , drunk and / or tripping on a nightly basis . I was hell in the Residence Director 's life . I was the kind of guy that you loved to hate . At least once a week , sometimes two or three , I was setting a fire alarm off in the middle of the night . I called them 4 o ' clock socials . We were up and everyone was asleep at that time , and needed to hang out , so why not wake up the entire dorm and hang outside for awhile . Everyone , including the RA , knew I was doing them , but could never prove it . I was in her office weekly . But she really liked me for some odd reason , and I was never expelled from the dorms . We took a pledge class the first semester and it was so awesome to be on the other side . I rushed hard that semester , walking the dorms and encouraging everyone to come out . There was one guy that I rushed really hard . He was so damn hot , and yes I wanted him . But he didn 't want to pledge his freshman year . We saw him from time to time at parties , and we stayed friendly . I was one of the cool brothers to the pledges . I never gave out a demerit , never bitched out the pledges at line ups , snuck them drinks and got them stoned when they weren 't supposed to be , and even kidnapped one or two here and there so they could catch up on some sleep in my room . Both the fall and the sping class loved me . It came to the point where they were asking me to go on the pledge roadtrips with them , Philly , NYC , other campuses . They 'd knock on my door and say Walsh , you want to come ? Most times I was fucked up and was like hell yeah ! Kevin and I continued to hook up . We hid it really well . no one had an idea , except Adam , and that was a really odd situation . I would catch Adam looking at Kevin and I if we were hanging together , and it always cause me to walk away from Kevin . I never told Kevin that Adam knew till Adam graduated . Kevin was the first one to fuck me . It happened shortly into the first semester sophomore year . Since fucking Bobby over the summer , I was dying to try and fuck Kevin . But somehow , Kevin always seemed to be in control . And to a certain degree , I liked Kevin being in control . By this point , he had tried to fuck me a couple of times , but I always said no . But I finally made a bargain with him . I 'd let him fuck me if he would let me fuck him . Kevin claimed that he was a top and never been fucked before ( I will admit to an " untrue " part of FM . The night of the hookers , when I was pledging , that part was totally true , but the part about " red " going into the room with Kevin and the strap on was not true . I don 't know why I put it in there or where I thought I would go with it . . . ) . But who was going to go first ? I totally wanted to go first , and so did Kevin . What decided it ? A flip of the coin . And Kevin one . He fucked me first . And the first time was a terrible experience . It hurt so bad . I was so frightened of it that it was neither enjoyable for me or Kevin . AS soon as he was all the way in , I was screaming for him to take it out , or I literally squeezed him out . Kevin kept telling me to relax , and he did everything to get me to relax and open up . I knew he had been waiting for this a long time , but he eventually gave up . And it left me with a really bad taste for gay sex . I didn 't even want to attempt fucking Kevin after that , I was so embarrassed and , well , violated . But a couple of nights later , drunk , I was hooking up with Kevin again . I thought it would be my turn this time , but Kevin insisted that last time didn 't count . So I let him try again . And this time , for whatever reason , it worked . My god did it work . It almost didn 't . But something clicked . I opened up for Kevin , and although definitely painful to begin with , it eventually subsided and I felt the most immense pleasure I have ever felt in my life . And Kevin went a long time and fucked me hard , to the point that both of us were dripping sweat . We had tI had another feel up of Adam that first semester , but this time he was awake . During that pledge class ' hooker night , I had an idea . I wanted to repeat the threesome that Adam and I had . So I approached him on it , very nervous since he knew about Kevin and I , and said that I was buying if he was interested . He didn 't jump on the idea , but after thinking about it , he agreed . It was definitely a little awkward at first . As much as I wanted to touch him , I felt that he was avoiding actually touching me . But at one point , the chick was sucking Adam 's dick and I was lying next to him watching her slurp on his dick . This time around , I didn 't even care about the chick . I was here to se Adam . He had his eyes closed and without thinking much about it , I reached out my hand and started feeling up his chest . He didn 't open his eyes at first , but eventually he did and saw that it was me . He didn 't say anything , he just looked me in the eyes before closing them once again . I took that as a sign that he was OK with it and I continued to feel up his chest and play with his nipples . I desperately wanted to bring my mouth to his nipples and suck on them , but with the chick in the room , I was too embarrassed . And when the girl looked up and saw what I was doing , I was self conscious about it and took my hand away . That was most of the contact we had until the end . The hooker was sucking my dick while Adam fucked her doggie style . I felt a pair of hands on my calves , which I thought were her 's at first . But then I realized where he hands were , pretty much right next to my hips . And as I looked in between her legs , I saw that it was Adam who had his hands down and rubbing my calves . I looked up and Adam was looking at me . Knowing that he was touching me and looking at me , I pretty much shot my load immediately . Adam wasn 't too far behind me . After we were done , nothing was said about it . I mean , we didn 't do too much to talk about , but it was worth every dollar . And throughout the entire first semester , I hooked up with more chick [ The Email Attachment ] At the end of first semester sophomore year , I ran for Chaplain and won . As far as big things that happened second semester sophomre year , only a couple of big things happened to me that I can think of at the moment . One , I found out that I was not the only guy that Kevin was hooking up with , and that in fact , I was just one of many . It shattered me , to a certain degree . I mentioned last e - mail that I was beginning to " fall " for Kevin . And it wasn 't so much that I loved him , I just thought that what we had was special and unique between the two of us . I dealt with it , but it was never quite the same again , the intimacy to me felt gone somewhat , and I was just another hook up . He told me that I wasn 't , but I could read through his lines . I didn 't want him to give up hooking up with other guys , I wasn 't looking for a relationship , it just hurt , if you know what I mean . Kevin and I did continue to fool around though . And although I began to open my eyes up to other possibilities ( men ) besides Kevin , I never did anything with anyone else , besides . . . Two , a few weeks into second semester , Adam was beginning to have the " graduation blues " , knowing that at the end of this semester , he would be in the real world . I actually have about half of the story written , all the way up the sex part . I am attaching what I have written of the chapter . Its pretty much the set up . I haven 't edited it , and I think its pretty raw , so please forgive the typos . What is missing is the juicy part . It was a Wednesday and neither Adam nor I had classes . We decided to go out and get some lunch at The Olive Garden , just the two of us . I loved spending time just with Adam . Lunch was good and Adam was talking about how he wanted to do something spontaneous soon , since he would be graduating at the end of the semester . When we were done with lunch we hopped in my car and headed back to campus . Since he had mentioned it , my mind had been running crazy trying to think of something spontaneous that we could do before the semester ends . Adam had done so much for me the last couple of years , that I wanted to do something for him in return . And then I had an idea . It came out of nowhere . I debated it a minute with myself and then smiled at my thought . But should we do it right now , I wondered ? Right now would be spontaneous , and that 's what he wanted . Why the fuck not , I thought , lets go for it . I stopped at a gas station and filled the car up , putting the final touches to my idea . This could be fun , but we had a long drive ahead of us . I hoped that Adam was in the same mindset as myself , that he really wanted to be spontaneous , and that it just wasn 't lunch conversation . Back in the car , I had to do everything I could to contain myself from laughing . Nothing was particularly funny , I was just excited . We drove past campus and Adam says , " Ah , Walsh , that was our exit ? " and points behind us . " I know , " I say , trying not to laugh , but I can 't help myself . " What ? What are you laughing at ? Where are you going ? " " I was thinking about what you said . We 're heading someplace spontaneous , " I answered . " Yeah , cool . Where ? " he asked and looked at his watch . I hoped he didn 't need to be anyplace , we wouldn 't be back to campus any time soon . " I don 't know , I 'll tell you when I figure it out , " I responded . I had already figured it out , but I was afraid to tell Adam because he may opt out . Not that he wouldn 't want to go , but there were other considerations , like Michele . He gave me this " what are you up to look ? " but didn 't challenge me . So I drove and drove some more . I had thrown in a Chili Peppers tape and we talked about the new pledge class , who we thought was going to drop and whatnot . " Philly ? " he asked me , as we approached the City . " Maybe , " I said with a smile . As we hit Philly the Chili 's tape was over and I threw in Dave Matthews . Philly isn 't that big of a City , and in a few minutes , we were through Philly and I was still heading south . Adam was ready to play my game and didn 't flinch as we crossed into Delaware . Adam is a little bit of a control freak , and I know he didn 't like not knowing where we were going . But he didn 't show it . " I know where we are going , " he said about 10 minutes through Delaware , which on I - 95 is like half way through the State . Delaware is tiny for those of you on the west coast . " Where ? " I amused him . " Baltimore . " But it was more of a question than an answer . " Maybe , " I responded . He looked at me , trying to figure me out . I tried not to laugh , but a smile came to my face . He took that as an affirmation , but boy , was he wrong . " Well , it 's awhile till Baltimore , which is cool , because I want to talk to you about something , " he said . What Adam told me took me as a surprise . He was thinking about taking the NJ State Troopers test . If you recall , Adam is a business major . He never mentioned anything about law enforcement before so this was news to me . I told him I thought it was cool , but why the sudden change ? He had taken a Law and Justice class last semester as an elective . It was supposed to be an easy A , which it was , but he absolutely loved the class . Since then , it 's been on his mind and he thought it would be something that he would really enjoy doing . He also said that he didn 't want to have a suit job with the same monotonous hours crunching numbers . He 'd watched his father do it for years and wasn 't certain that he wanted the same life . But he was afraid about how Michele w " I 'm not getting in till you tell me where we are going . " " That 's not very spontaneous , " I joked . " Fuck spontaneous , I want to know , " he answered . He wasn 't mad , but I could tell he was serious . I couldn 't blame him , we had been driving for hours . " If you really want to know and ruin the surprise , we are going to Washington D . C . There , are you happy now ? " I pretended to be pissed and jumped in the car , starting the engine . Adam grabbed the snacks and got in the car himself . " Don 't be mad Walsh , I just wanted to know where the hell we were going . I 've gone along with this for a long time and wanted to make sure that we were actually headed somewhere . " He passed me the Yohoo , holding it out , like he was making peace . He was so damn cute I couldn 't stand it . Me Adam , you should be with me , not Michele . " Well , we 're almost there , so lets get going , " I said as I took the Yohoo from him . " To the Capital , driver , " he said as I put the car in drive and got back on I - 95 . When we drove past Washington DC , Adam 's face turned sour . " What the fuck Walsh , we are we going ? " It was like he was the Pledge Master again , and I was the pledge . His tone was annoyed and harsh . He wasn 't playing anymore and I needed to tell him where we are going . I could hear it in his voice , the game was up . " You really want to know ? " " Yes , I really want to know . Pull the car over . " " I don 't want to pull the car over , I 'll tell you while " And Adam cut me off . " Pull the fucking car over Walsh so we can talk about this . " This wasn 't going exactly as I had imagined . I pulled off to the shoulder , stopped the car and put it in Park . Adam took the last slug of his Coke then twisted the top back on , tight . " Thank you , " he said , his voice a lot calmer . " Sorry for yelling , but please tell me where we are going , and tell me the truth this time . " " Florida , " I answered , looking at him for a reaction . " Florida ? " His reaction was one of disbelief . He was shaking his ; head like it didn 't calculate . " Yeah , I thought it would be spontaneous and fun . " ; ; He seemed to room . I walked around the front of the place and looked in the window of the guest house , hoping that the place wasn 't closed . I saw a TV on and was glad to see that they were open . I opened the door and a buzzer went off , alerting whoever was on duty that there was a guest present . I stood at the counter a minute or so till an older looking gentleman came around from the back someplace . " Good morning , " he said , cheery eyed for six in the morning . " Good morning , " I said back with what energy I had . " Do you have a reservation ? " he asked . " No , I don 't . Do you have any vacancy ? " " Sure do , we don 't get busy down here for another couple of weeks when Bike week and Spring Break start up . " " How much are the rooms ? " I asked . The old guy pointed to a board against the wall to his left . I read what it said . Standard rooms , $ 79 a night for single occupancy , $ 99 for double and $ 129 for a family . Rooms facing the beach are $ 109 a night for single occupancy , $ 129 for double and $ 159 for a family . " " Sounds like a pretty good deal to me , " I said . " Still off season , though its supposed to get pretty warm this weekend , so you should luck out with the weather . How many nights you staying ? " " Probably check out Sunday morning , " I answered . " Just you in the room ? " he asked . Looking at the board , I thought I would save us a few dollars and answered , " Yeah , just me . " " Young lad like you should have no problem finding a pretty lady to share the bed with , " he said , typing the keyboard of a computer . Reviewing something on the screen , he added , " I have a room facing the beach , has a patio . You want it ? " " Sure , " I said , laughing a little at the old dude . Why do old people often hint at sex with young people ? Maybe they like to think they were young again and getting some . " I 'll need a credit card and license , please , " he requested . As we took care of the paperwork , the guy told me there was an outdoor pool in the back and a hot tub . The pool is not heated , so it 's a little chilly he warned . He handed me a key and told me to pull all the waylooking at the sky . " Guy at the front desk said it was supposed to warm up , so hopefully we 'll be able to use the beach some . " " I hope so , " Adam said , " Otherwise , we 're going to be doing a lot of drinking . " He was looking more awake . " What do you mean , ¡¥ otherwise ' , we 'll definitely be doing a lot of drinking either way . " " I knew you 'd say that . " " Let 's get to the room and catch some Z 's , I 'm exhausted from driving . " We grabbed our sweaters and jackets and walked up the stairs to the room . We came upon room 217 and I opened the door . The room was on the smaller side , bathroom to the left and then a small closet . Stepping further into the room , there was a couple of dressers , a wicker love seat and only one king sized bed . Adam noticed that as well and said , " There 's only one bed . " " Damn , I said single occupancy to save a couple of dollars , but I still thought there would be two beds , " I explained . " Huh ? " I told Adam about the prices on the board and how I thought I could save about 30 dollars a night . But I thought that they were charging by the number of people , not the number of beds . I assumed that there would still be two beds . And for you , the readers , really , I did think just that . This wasn 't a plan of mine at all , although I was completely content with the way this had turned out . Unless , of course , Adam wanted to get another room , which I had to offer . " Later today , when the guy who checked me in is gone , we can get another room with two beds , " I suggested . " That 's cool , whatever , " Adam said as he walked past the bed to a set of sliding glass windows covered with drapes . I followed him to the doors as he pulled the drapes open . The doors led to a small porch over looking the beach and the ocean . Directly below us was the pool and hot tub . " Nice view , " Adam said , stepping out to the porch , waves crashing the only sound in the early morning peace . The porch has a table , umbrella and set of patio chairs on it . " Yeah , beautiful , " I replied looking to the left and the right , endless miles of empty beach and water visible in every direction . " Well , I 'm going to try and catch a few hours of sleep so I don 't sleep the entire day away tomorrow , " I said . " No man , don 't crash yet . The sun is about to rise , sit on the porch with me and watch it come up , " he offered . " OK , good idea . " As exhausted as I was , how could I say no to such a thing . And so Adam and I sat on the porch , chair next to chair , watching the horizon as the sun came up . It was a spectacular sunrise , bringing in the new day . I watched Adam as much as I did the sun , his handsome face staring out to sea as the sun came above the water line . As I was looking at him , he turned and looked at me . " Nice , huh , " he said with a big smile . " Beautiful , " I answered , but I wasn 't talking about the sun . I needed to get to bed before I did something stupid in my grogginess . After watching for another couple of minutes , my eyes began to close . " Adam , I can 't keep my eyes open , I need to get some sleep . " " Go ahead , " he said , " I 'm going to sit here a little while longer . " " You can have the bed , I 'll crash on the floor , " I suggested . " Nah Bro , you did most of the driving , you take the bed . I 'll crash on the floor . " " You sure ? " " Yeah . " " OK , thanks , " I said . I turned to go into the room , but stopped . Looking at Adam over my right shoulder , I added . " You can get in the bed too , if the floor 's like totally uncomfortable or something . It 's not like this is the first bed that we shared . " It was awkward , the way it came out , but I felt oddly comfortable offering Adam to share the bed with me . " Cool , " was all that Adam responded . The room was a little chilly , so I left my t - shirt , pants and socks on . I pulled down the covers and got in bed . After all that driving , the bed felt amazing . I was excited about the three days that Adam and I would be spending together , just the two of us . And that is what I was thinking about as I fell asleep . Some hours later , I heard the door to the room close , waking me . I opened my eyes and came upon the alarm clock . 12 : 37 the alarm clock read . I looked around the room trying to identify what the noise that woke me up was . Adam was standing by the dresser with a bunch of bags in his hand . " Hey Adam , " I said , sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes . " The zombie is awake , " Adam answered . " Yeah , you sleep at all ? " " I fell asleep for a couple of hours , then ran out and picked up some stuff for us . " " Stuff ? " " Yeah , toiletries and shit . I picked up some clothes too . " " Nice . How is it out there ? " " It 's nice , sunny , like 70 degrees . Not hot , but a lot warmer than home . " " Warm enough to use the beach ? " " I think so , yeah . I don 't know about going in the water , but I guess we 'll see . I 'm going to jump in the shower . I got some coffee too , I know how you need your coffee in the morning . " Adam knows me all too well from sleeping over the House after parties . I can 't get myself moving till I get come caffeine in me . " Damn man , you 're on the ball , thanks . " " No problem , " he said and went into the bathroom . Before getting out of bed , I noticed that the other side of the bed had been slept in . When I had got in the bed , I only pulled the covers of my side , the other side still made . But now the sheets were tossed and the pillows shifted . So Adam had slept in the bed . No big deal , but it was nice to know that Adam had slept next to me . I got out of bed and grabbed my coffee . After a few sips , it hit me . Shit , I got to call Evan . He 's probably freaking out . I went to the phone and dialed our number . He was probably in the Student Center , but I 'd leave him a message . I did get the machine . " Evan , hey , it 's John . Listen man , I 'm in Florida with Adam . We just started driving , like a spontaneous thing , and we ended up here . We should be back on Sunday , but I 'll try and catch up with you later . Tell Matt for me . And if my parents call , don 't tell them I am in Florida , just tell them I am out . Laters man . " I went through the bags that Adam brought back . The boy went to town . He bought two bathing suits , 4 surfer shirts , two pairs of flip flops , and two beach towels for the day . He also purchased clothes to wear at night , a couple of Khaki shorts and nicer t - shirts . A few minutes later , Adam came out of the bathroom , towel wrapped around his waist . I was sitting on the wicker couch , drinking my coffee and looking out the patio doors . " Shower was awesome , " Adam said as pulled the clothes out of the bag . " Yeah ? " I asked , checking him out nonchalantly as lay the clothes out on the bed . " Hot shower felt good after being in the car for so long . You see the clothes I got ? " " I did , nice job . " " I figured we 're about the same size , so hope they fit you . " Adam was standing facing the bed , and I was kind of behind him . He dropped his towel , exposing his naked ass to me . Running the Lacrosse field gave Adam a hard , firm ass . It was basically smooth , but you could see that he had some dark hairs between the crack of his ass when he shifted weight ontime with Adam . We pretty much lounged on our towels just talking . We put our feet in the water , but it was definitely too cold to go swimming . Around 4 o ' clock , the wind picked up and the beach became chilly . So we picked up our stuff and headed back to the room . On the way , we picked up a bottle of vodka , some orange juice , beer and a deck of cards . Back in the room , we watched some TV and started drinking , which is exactly what I would be doing in the dorms . We played cards for a couple of hours , having a good time . " I must say Adam , I 'm very impressed , " I said at one point . " At what ? " " That you haven 't spoken about or called Michele all day . " " I thought about it , but figure , what the hell , if she said we 'd break up over this , then we 're broken up till I get back . " " That 's might brave of you bud , or is that the booze speaking ? " " 90 % booze , " he said with a smile , " 10 % bravery . " " Well , if you 're broken up , does that mean that you will be on the prowl tonight ? " Adam chuckled , " I don 't know about that . " * * * * We showered and got dressed and figured we would walk the strip and see if anything was doing . Much like the beach , the bars were empty . But we were kind of expecting that . We were in and out a couple of different places , having a drink at each one . We were at this one bar and asked the bartender where a good place to go was . He said that there was pretty much nothing going on , but on Thursdays a lot of the locals went to one of the hotel bars for Karaoke . Friday was a little hotter than Thursday , so we hit the beach . We walked along the beach to a promenade that was in front of one of the hotels . There was a Fat Tuesday 's bar on the beach with some people hanging out , so we decided that we would hang out there for awhile . The Reggae Band . After having a few drinks we went back to the room . " Dude , let 's use the hot tub , " Adam suggested . " We can do that . Bring a couple of beers , maybe light a joint up if there is no one out there . " " Walsh , there isn 't going to be anyone out there . " Adam and I wind up getting really fucked up one night while in FL ( after you read the chapter , this will make sense ) , and fucking . It started off innocently , lying bed . Two horny guys . A touch of the leg , restlessness , one thing led to another , and it ended with Adam fucking me . Adam was an engaged partner , exploring my dody with his hands and he even tried sucking on my dick , though it only lasted a couple of minutes . But we fucked for like a half hour before he came . It was an amazing experience for me , something that I had been thinking about and wanting for a long time . A fantasy come true . But in reality , fantasies don 't come true . We fell asleep , and the next morning wasn 't good . When I woke up , Adam wasn 't in bed . He was outside on the deck , pacing back and forth . I could tell from the look on his face when he saw that I was standing at the door that there would be no good morning kiss . He was very apologetic , " we never should have done that . " After briefly talking about it , we tried to hit the beach . But eventually , after a whole lot of silence , Adam said that he felt like going home . So we hopped back into my car for 16 hours of silence between us . I was so afraid to say anything . I could feel our friendship slipping away . And I thought if we discussed it , in the confines of a car , it would only hurt the situation more . Better to leave it and talk about it tomorrow , after Adam has had some alone time . We had quick conversations in the car , but nothing of magnitude . And after that , things were never quite the same between Adam and I . We discussed what happened , but not really . Just " it can never happen again , and we can 't tell anyone . " Adam 's silence on the issue was enough for me to figure out what was going on . He was full of guilt . I think he really liked it , I know he liked from the look on his face and the moans as we fucked , but was ready to propose to Michele , ready to graduate , and this sort of confusion was the last thing that he needed . And me , I represented that confusion , perhaps a deep , hidden , pushed back feeling that Adam has always know about himself . That he was attarcted to boys and girls . I cried a lot over it actually . He stopped calling me regularly , converations in the student center and parties was colder than it was before , and he started spending a lot more time with Michele . By the time he graduated , we were getting closer to the way things were . But distance doesn 't help . I went to his graduation , we hugged good bye . I 'll be around he said . But knowing Michele , he wouldn 't be around that much . I did see him here and again . We didn 't speak on the phone too much . Adam eventually married Michele . I was at their wedding . Adam became a NJ State Trooper and lives at the Jersey Shore . No children yet , that I am aware of . Since moving to GA , I haven 't spoken or seen Adam in probably close to a year . Time heals , but life moves on . Next semester I was pledge master , and was busier than hell . The younger generation was moving up in the ranks of the fraternity , and although I thought of Adam frequently , I had a lot going on , and my life was about to change drastically . . . To be continued . Billy BOctober 4 , 2013 at 12 : 29 PMOmg ! ! ! ! I 'm so excited that I found that on the yahoo group and I feel super special that you mentioned me in this post ! I just assumed that this was only the first part of the synopsis because of the " to be continued " at the end . Thanks for clearing this up ! I really , really hope that John will continue writing someday . In all honesty , I 've enjoyed this story more than any book I 've ever read and I 'm so glad that John wrote what he did . In April 2010 , Adam , the author of Crosscurrents , asked John if he would ever finish the story . He responded " Seriously thinking about it . It weighs on me that this is unfinished . But as I said in the past , it is a daunting task to tell this story the . way that I want to . I wish I had the time and energy to dedicate myself to it . But I want to . For me , for you , for everyone . I don 't know that I can be the author that I was , but I am considering wrapping it up to some extent . But then again if I put myself to it , perhaps I willsurprise myself and get right back into it . We shall see I guess . " Even though that was around three and a half years ago , it still gives my a little bit of hope that he 'll keep writing someday . I doubt that it 'll happen , though . I just wish I could email him talk to him or something : ( I find it funny how quickly I 've gotten into this . I just started reading the story last Friday , and within a few days , I had finished it and was an emotional wreck . I blew off studying for an Economics exam because I was just SO upset that the story wasn 't finished and couldn 't concentrate . The synopsis did offer me some closure , though . ReplyDeleteBruce ChangOctober 6 , 2013 at 5 : 05 PMYou know , even if the story remains unfinished , I kinda more interested in what he 's up to now . I wouldn 't mind reading his blog and having him kinda do flashbacks or tie in what 's going on in his life now with some of his experiences in the past . It just seemed like he was daunted by chronology . . . And wonder if he 's facebooked any of his former brothers like Adam . . Newer Post This blog has four different parts : The earliest posts are my sexual biography . I tell the story of how I went from a 13yo gay kid to a happily married 44yo man with three kids . It was a strange , eventful journey . Most posts from late 2010 - mid 2011 detail my struggle to keep my marriage together , in spite of my sexuality , and in spite of my wife Gabbie 's on - going affair with a degenerate named Charlie . More recent posts are about my reluctant transition from a suburban dad to a newly - out middle - aged gay man . It 's been a difficult balancing act ; I have a lot to learn . Interspersed between the posts about my personal journey are my attempts to understand and explain bisexuality as it pertains to closeted men and their straight wives . I have opinions but I like them to be challenged . I also enjoy helping others who are dissatisfied with their mixed orientation marriage . Please feel free to email me directly at random4780 @ hotmail . com with any feedback . Thanks for reading and commenting ! Cameron Came out to my wife 2 years into our marriage . Left her . Came back 10 weeks later . Now , 19 years later she 's decided to leave me and the kids . |
James and I were still going out at night with his stealing buddy so we could make some money . I remember that we were in his friends neighborhood at the Giant grocery store ( that 's odd to have a " real " grocery store in the city ) . Anyways , the three of us were standing outside talking and getting ready to have his buddy take us back home . If you remember his buddy hated me when we first met but we were slowly starting to become friends . While James and his buddy were loading up his car with food three black guys walked up to me and asked me for my phone number . I just smiled and said no thanks . I looked at James and his friend with my eyes pleading for some help . The guys noticed my stare and walked up to James and tried to make him look like a bitch . One of the guys said " I like your watch . . . . give it to me . " I walked over to the stealing buddy looking for some protection . I don 't remember what was said after that . I remember us all getting in the car and we started chasing the guys down the road . James reached under the car seat and grabbed his buddy 's gun . I was ducking down in the back seat while the guys in both cars were yelling at each other . The other guys freaked when they saw the gun and James tried to shoot at them but never took the safety off of the gun . The other guys hauled ass when they saw the gun so they were out of site and we went home . I remember the relief I felt when we found out he did not know how to take the safety off . Me and the stealing buddy laughed the whole way home at James expense . The laughter was out of relief that nobody got hurt . James was trying to prove to us that he was not punked out by those guys but it just made him look like an ass . This is the world I was going to bring my baby into ? After that whole ordeal I decided to meet with my old high school counselor to see how I could get back into school to get my diploma . I went to summer school . . . . I needed time away from James and to lead by a good example for my baby . There was one condition for me to go back to school . I needed I 'm a 90 's chick I have been so busy the past couple of days and the week is getting away from me to quickly . I wanted to post this over the weekend but I have just been to busy . So here is my next James story . I was pregnant and hoping for the best with James . I wanted to make things work . I did not want to admit that I may have made a mistake with him . I knew deep down in my heart that I would not be with him forever . I was still working at K - mart when I found out that he was collecting other girls phone numbers . He was getting the laundry together to do while I was at work and I was helping him separate the colors from the whites when he started to hound me about cleaning out his pockets . I was being a smart ass because he said I was checking his pockets and I started to check the " watch pocket " and I found a girls phone number . Later on I found out that it was a wrong number and he told me he only asked for the number as a bet . I let it go because it was only a number and we were together most of the time anyways . . . . . what could he really do ? ? ? A few weeks later we went to my doctors appointment together and while he was in the waiting room ( I would find out later ) that he was hitting on a girl who was there and told her that he was waiting for his " pregnant sister because her boyfriend left her when he found out she was pregnant " . Can you believe he said that ? Yeah I guess you can ! I found this out from the girl we were living with after I saw this girl when James and I went out to eat one night . James and I decided to go to Denny 's one night to talk about his drug problem . He was still using and I was very emotional about the whole situation walked into Denny 's to eat and I saw a girl I went to school with ( the girl from the doctors office ) . . . she was with her boyfriend and was staring me down when I walked past her . I looked at James and said " what 's that bitches problem ? " He just shook his head . She walked out the door with her boyfriend . James and I had a long talk and he made promises to me about stopping his drug use and I wentposted by Dawn at 9 : 51 PM 7 Comments I had fun at the Mary Kay party last night . My girlfriends family is a trip . I let Greg know that I was going and he was surprised that I only spend $ 15 . I got the eye makeup remover . It should work better than the Avon one I am using now . We had lots of food and plenty of laughs . Her family is my new adopted family . . . . . When they saw me last night the said " hi Daw . . . . . where 's Anna ? They don 't even get my whole name out before they are asking where she is at . They are a crazy bunch but I love how they can all get together and have fun . I never had that with my family . I have to spend the rest of the day getting ready for work tomorrow and cleaning the house . I also have to get back into my workout routine tomorrow . Easter is no longer my excuse . Bikini season here I come ! posted by Dawn at 3 : 35 PM 7 Comments I called my mother this morning and she informed me that my loving sister called my dad and stepmom to see if they want her to bring Anna over so they can see her for a little while . Mom said that Jessica was crying when she called my stepmom to see if she could " drop Anna off for a little while . " I think it is sooo funny . Jessica has ruined all of her ties with her family . She is not welcome in anyone 's home . She is a thief and a liar . Since Jessica was little she could not be trusted . There are so many stories about her . She has stolen money , clothes , anything that is not tied down and even some things that are nailed down . Jessica is not allowed around mom because she sent my stepdad to jail for child abuse . She is not allowed in my dad 's house because she sent him to jail also for child abuse . She is not allowed in my house because she is married to my daughters father and she is a thief and a liar . I guess things are not going well with Anna there but they will not call me to get her . There is no way that they will admit that they cannot handle her . Mom told me that when she called my step - mom she told her that she knows that I keep Anna away from them so if they want to see her they can " keep " her for a couple hours . My step - mom replied by saying " If I want to see Anna I can do it myself " and she slammed the phone down on Jessica . HAHAHA ! The worst part about it all is that no one in my family really cares about Anna . My dad called on Christmas day and got Anna for the night because I was sick with the flu . They never called her on her birthday ( January 16 ) and have not asked to see her since Christmas . I will not beg any one in my family to see her and oddly enough Anna could care less if she sees any of them . She is not dumb she knows what is going on . Anyways , I think it is really funny that they are trying to get rid of her for the day . Oh , and believe me when I say that we will argue about this on Monday night when I pick her up at his house . I should have a good story to tell about that . I have to go now . Mythis is kool ! posted by Dawn at 8 : 54 AM 5 Comments I ended up going back into the apartment when I saw my cat dangling out the window . What else was I going to do ? Mom changed her phone number so I could not call her and I had no where to go . At the time I knew in my heart that I was pregnant but it was not official . We continued to spend our days in the same neighborhood where I was robbed in that house . When my 18th birthday hit I went back to work at K - mart . We did not need the money , I just wanted to get away from the city . It actually cost us more money in taxi rides than what I was making but he made sure I got back and forth to work . When I went back to work I met a girl who had a townhouse with an extra room . It was in the county and I talked James into letting us move in with her and her boyfriend . I could not believe he agreed to it . Of course he took a cab into the city everyday but at least we were not sleeping in motels anymore . We were paying $ 50 a week to stay in the extra room . She lived on section 8 ( in other words . . . . she paid no rent ) She used her 2 children to get her townhouse but her kids lived in the city with her mother . She also got money from the state for food but she never gave that to the kids either . . . she would buy junk food for her boyfriend who was using heroin . Even though we were only paying $ 50 in rent we were always broke . James told me he was sending money to her daughters mother for child support ( a lie ) . I found out shortly after we moved in the townhouse that I really was naive . . . . . . . . . . James was snorting heroin right in front of me at times , and I never knew it . My girlfriend told me that her boyfriend and James were getting high together . I did not want to believe it ! " Not my James ! He hates people who use drugs . He told me he would never do that ! His mom died from an overdose . . . . . . he would NEVER do that . " She told me what to look for and I started paying more attention to his actions . I would question him but never accuse him of anything . He still thought I was stupid ( and I was ) . The first time I said something to him was when posted by Dawn at 6 : 15 PM 12 Comments I saw my doctor today and I am allowed to get back into my exercise routine ( lifting weights ) . I have been doing cardio since last week . I never listen to what doctors say ( I 'm so bad ) . My girlfriend sent me a text message on my cell phone so I can download a screen saver that she sent to me . It 's a picture of Betty Boop . She gets mad at me because she is always showing me how to do things . She is like my mom . Don 't laugh at me . . . . . . Two weeks ago she had to show me how to put air in my tires . I know how to do it now so HAHA ! This week she has to show me how to download that screen saver onto my phone . Last night my sister and my " baby daddy " brought Anna home but half of the clothes she took with her were not in her bag . I get so mad about this because : 1 . He does not buy her clothes . 2 . He should have clothes at his house for her . 3 . He does not pay child support like he should . . . so who is going to buy her more clothes ? ? ? NOT ME ! ! ! I don 't know how other people feel but it really bugs me when she goes somewhere and does not bring home what she takes with her . I can not be the only one who is bothered by that . When they pick her up for spring vacation tomorrow she is only leaving the house with the clothes that she has on her back . That may be mean but I will not keep going around and around with them about what is happening to all her stuff . Alright I am done with my bitch session now : ) I went out last night with my best friend and her husband . We went to a club in the city with some people from our gym class . I had a really good time except for the part where my " hooker boots " were killing me . We had a really good turn out we had 22 people from the gym show up last night . I even showed up for class this morning after I did my normal hangover ritual ( soup and Hawaiian punch - with the picture of the little punch dude on the front of the bottle ) . I think the gym instructor was surprised to see me ( he is the one who sets up our clubbin ' night out ) . My sister came by to pick Anna up late . . . . . . . . that is normal for James . Jessica came up to the door and I was is shock . . . . . . . She looks like a crack whore ! I swear ! I will have to get her picture so you can see how bad she looks . Life is not nice to her . We look nothing alike she has always had a look about her like she is on her death bed . I went to www . gizoogle . com and had snoop dog translate my sister 's arrival at my home : My beyotch of a poser picked Anna up yesterday . One , two three and to tha four . The funniest part ' bout it was tizzy her teeth look all messed up wit gaps she looks like a criznack whore . I guess I git tha last laugh brotha all hittin that booty . That is so funny . If you get a chance go to the site and look around . They have funny pictures also . Let me know what you think . One more thing before I go . In the top right on my page there is a box with the letter W . I . E . Please click on that box and enter in your information . When people visit my blog they will see your name when you are logged onto my site and they can link onto your site from mine . I was able to do this with the help of http : / / hitthejagspot . blogspot . com thanks to her help I now have the W . I . E up and running . Anna is spending the weekend with her father and my sister . The house is so quiet it 's strange and I am not use to this . I have not received any calls from them so hopefully they are doing ok . I will have to give them a call a little later this afternoon just to check up on them . I know that I have not posted in a few days , but after my last post I needed to take a break . My mind has been drifting away to all the drama in my past . If you were to meet me in person you would never guess what type of things I have been through or seen . . . . . . . . I will post another James story so you can understand the present situation . posted by Dawn at 11 : 56 AM 0 Comments Wow ~ there are too many parts to this story . . . . . . but I want you to understand why I hate him soooo much . James and I met up in a Wal - mart parking lot . The store was closed because it was Easter . We took a taxi to the train and headed into the city . We stayed in a sleazy motel " until our apartment was ready to move into . " At this time the only lie that I knew about was that he was not 20 yrs olds he was 23 . If I had known this when we first met I never would have given him a chance . I thought that it was bad enough that he was twenty and I was seventeen . He told me this nice piece of information while we were on the train after I ran away from home ( nice timing hu ? ) We were in the motel and I was worried because he was not going into work and I thought that we would need the money . He told me he was taking sick time ( my ass ) . He was going out with his buddy stealing and selling to the pawn shops for our money . He never had a ligit job . After two days his stealing buddy who is old enough to be my dad wanted to get me out of the picture and talked me into calling my mom . I decided to make the call to at least let her know that I was alive . That bitch changed her number in less than 3 days . Ok here comes the stupid part . . . . . . . . I lost my virginity to James after the 3rd night of being an " adult " and on my own and one month to the day of my 18th birthday . It was just me , james and the world . I guess I thought that I owed it to him ( earn my keep type of thing ) . I was stupid ! I know that now . Soon after that I found out that he had no job and he lied about the apartment . Our home was the motel . We paid by the week so we could keep the same room . Our days were spent in a very bad part of Baltimore . . . . Abandoned townhomes and all . James and I were the only white faces in the neighborhood except for the police . I was stopped in the neighborhood by the police because I was white and in a " black " neighborhood . I am not sure if you ever watched " the corner " on HBO but that was the neighborhood we spent our days in . After 6pm we could beposted by Dawn at 9 : 02 PM 9 Comments You 're Exotic Dancer Barbie . You have some moves , and will do anything for a few bucks . Take itoff girl , but keep it PG - 13 please . If You Were A Barbie , Which Messed Up Version Would You Be ? brought to you by Our relationship was nothing like what I had with any of my other boyfriends . Most of the boys I dated came in and out of my life when ever they felt like it . That was fine by me I had my space and they had theirs . James was over my house all the time . I remember that we went out somewhere ( I think we went to the circus or tried to ) and he came back home with me to make sure I got in ok . I invited him in and my mom was asleep because she worked early in the morning and we watched TV . I remember waking up and my mother being very upset because he was still there at 7am . We fell asleep . It was an accident on my part . He knew what he was doing . Nothing happened I swear ! Mom really did not like him after that little episode . Oh I guess I should tell you about what a money hungry bitch my mother is . . . . . . . . . I paid her at the age of 16 for the basement room . I did not want to share my room with my sister . Mom did not pay for any thing I had . I had 2 job 's and paid my own way . She got over $ 500 . 00 a month from me for the basement room . James was always there with me . We could not be separated . Mom was always working so she had no clue what was going on and could care less . I guess you can say that James was living with me in my basement room . Mom got up one morning and came to say something to me and James was laying on the floor . . . . . . . she stepped on him . . . . . . she started screaming and called my dad . Oh boy I was in some trouble . My dad dragged me out of work and called the cops on me . I went with the cops I did not want any part of my parents . I know I was wrong but so were they . We have all had a pretty rocky past . I just wanted to get out of my parents house . It was Easter and it was just us kids at home , mom was at work and she took all the phones out of the house so I could not call James . ( good thing there was not a fire ) James had my pager so I had my brother Paul go to a friends house to page him so he could drop some money off to me and get his belonging from my home . When James arrived about 30 seconds later Paul and posted by Dawn at 8 : 46 PM 11 Comments I want to explain the situation with Anna 's father . I met him when I was 17 . I was working in a local mall at a small toy store . He came into the store and started flirting with me and asked for my number . He was cute so I gave him my number . I found out later on that he was in the store trying to keep me occupied while his " stealing buddy " was in the back room of our store stealing some playstation 's that were damaged in the back of our store . HAHA ! I guess the joke was on them or who ever they sold them to because they did not work . Anyways , James called me a month later after I saw him in the store again and his girlfriend was with him in the mall ( that 's the type of guy he is ) . I did not know he had a pregnant girlfriend at the time . He had called me that night and we set up a movie date for that weekend . I had to work the day we were going to go out and he was going to pick me up from work . I also had another job working at K - mart as a cashier . I remember getting a phone call from by brother Billy who was home with the twins ( Jessica ~ my slut sister and Paul ) . Our conversation was something like this : ME : HelloBILLY : Dawn . . . . . . . ME : This better be good , I am working . You are going to get me in trouble . BILLY : ( speaking very quickly ) Paul was hit by a car on ______ ( main road entered here ) he was taken to the hospital by ambulance but is ok . I just thought I would let you know . Bye . ( he hangs up the phone ) ME : ( Speechless ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I did not know what to say . I don 't even remember what happened after that . I know that another guy I was dating at the time picked me up from work and took me to the hospital to see Paul . Mom was at work also and did not know what happened until later . My dad was at the hospital and I was so mad when I got there and Paul was sitting up like nothing had happened . He was 9 yrs old at the time and should not have been out like he was . He ran in front of a car and she did not see him in time to stop . I remember her talking to my mom and she was so upset . She was pregnant and we were worried aboFriday , March 11 , 2005 I got a call from my sister Jessica today . I guess the trip I took to the block last week did what I wanted it to . I wanted my sister to take my daughter for the weekend . Anna needs James ( her father ) in her life . Maybe she will see that the way they live is not the way that she wants her life to be . Anna 's father is a thief and lies about everything . He has in the past been addicted to heroin . I can see Anna following his footsteps and I do not want that to happen . I know that he is doing better now . The only fault that I have with him now is that he does not pay his child support and that he is married to my sister ( they deserve each other ) . Jessica wanted me to go out to the strip club she works at so we could go " hang out " . I am not sure why she thinks that I want to be her friend . She did tell me that James was locked up for non payment of child support . . . . . . . FINALLY I GET JUSTICE ! ! ! I checked on the computer and they have not sent a check out yet but the credit is showing on his account . Now he " only " owes $ 6 , 900 . My sister is raising his son for him while he works . I guess he don 't work hard enough for me to get child support on a regular basis . I told Jessica that she can get Anna next weekend for the whole weekend . I need some free time and they need to start taking responsibility for her . I did get there phone number and address so I can make sure child support has his correct information . I am also going to make a letter to send to child support once a week when I do not get a check . I will bug child support so much that they will have to take action about him not paying his support . posted by Dawn at 7 : 29 PM 10 Comments I had my boyfriend drive me to my interview and I must say that he could not have been to happy about it but he never showed it . He sat out in his truck for over an hour while I took a tour of the work space and had my interview . When I walked in I was greeted by one of only 3 people that work in that area . The position I was interviewed for was an archivist position and I was given a tour while another girl was being interviewed . I am not to thrilled about this job anymore . Twice a day they want me to walk two blocks to another building to drop samples off to doctors that request them . I am not to keen on the thought of walking in all types of weather in the middle of the ghetto by myself . I know the area and it is not safe . ( When I was 17 and living with my daughters father I was robbed and punched in my face while I was sitting on the couch in the livingroom . He just walked into the house and took what he wanted . ) I have thought this through and I want to leave my current job but not that badly . I will keep looking but this position is not the right one for me . I guess it will all work out in the end . posted by Dawn at 10 : 30 PM 0 Comments I love Betty Boop ! I have so many Betty Boop toys . I have a water fountain and snow globes . I also have several sweatshirt with her . I have a black winter coat with Betty Boop on the back of it and red kisses that go down the sleeve 's of the coat . I get lots of compliment on it . I bought it when I was in Connecticut dancing at some clubs up there . I found a store in the local mall that had leather coats with every cartoon character that you can imagine . The guy behind the counter was to busy flirting with me and my girlfriend and quoted me a price on my jacket that was $ 100 less than what he should have charged me . I got a great deal on my coat , and he got in trouble from his boss for the deal he game me . I lost a lot of my Betty Boop stuff because I use to move every 6 months before I met my current boyfriend . I put a lot of money into my collection . I need to do some shopping this summer to try to get back some of what I have lost in my collection . Today was my first day back to work after my surgery and I need a vacation from work already . Nothing bad happened just the same old shit . While I was gone last week 3 guys I work with went on leave from work due to problems with their heart . I swear that place is a death trap . My mind has been going crazy worrying about my interview on Wed . I want this job so bad . It is my dream job . I just wish that my boyfriend would be as excited as I am . I did talk him into driving my to interview Wed . I do not want to have my car break down on me in the city . There is not to much to say tonight . I will write back to tomorrow . posted by Dawn at 9 : 35 PM 0 Comments I am trying to talk my boyfriend into the purchase of a stripper pole . He just kind of rolls his eyes at the thought of it . They say that this pole can be moved and taken down . It can put it in our bedroom , and the kids don 't go in there for anything so I don 't see any problem with it . It 's a great form of exercise and I can dance for him in our bedroom . Don 't most guys dream of that ? Anyways , I will try to talk him into it this weekend and see if I can get him to break down and buy it for me . Wish me luck ! The Lil ' Mynx Pro Pole is a 2 - piece stationary design with a handy carrying case for use from 8 to 10 foot ceilings . The accessories included are bolted ceiling mount , friction ceiling mount , non - skid floor pad , stud finder and tape measure . This pole is fully portable ! The seam in the center of the pole has a machine polished finish and is smooth to the touch . The center adapter is machined billet aluminum for strength and durability . God I really hope it does not snow this weekend ! I have had enough of the snow and the kids being home from school . The weather man says that we will have snow flurries this weekend . They are normally wrong I just hope this time they are wrong in my favor and not the kids . My friend got out of work early today so she came over to take a ride into the city with me . I wanted to take a test run to a hospital that I have an interview at on Wed . I am excited it is the main job that I have been trying to get into . The only problem 's that it is right in the middle of the ghetto . I know the area very well but have not been down there since I was with my daughters father almost 9 years ago . I can 't belive I put myself into that danger back then . I can tell you some stories about that time of my life that would make your skin crawl . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anyways , We did the test run and then we went to the old club that we use to work at a few years ago . When we go out in the city we usually stop in to a few of the clubs to see how the owners and the girls that we know are doing . It is amazing how some things never change down there . We use to work on the not - so " famous block " in Baltimore . The block is just like is sounds . It is a block of strip clubs . It use to go for many , many , many blocks but now it is only one block and a side street of many strip clubs . We know all the clubs in and out . What clubs allow what , which one is the best to make money in , where the best looking girls are at . . . . . . . . I could go on and on . The best thing about our trips to the block is the reminder that we left and we don 't have to go back . There are bum 's on every corner , all the door men look like they are high on something and most of them are sooo dirty it does not make you want to even step inside to see what may be lurking behind the doorway . We saw a handwritten note on a door in front of one of the clubs that read " no refunds - you must buy a drink " it makes you wonder what may be behind that door waiting on you ( scary ) , why would someone aThursday , March 03 , 2005 I took this test and it is official I am 76 % slutThe Results ARE IN ! You are : 76 % SlutYour above score was normalized against the average , so don 't even TRY to disagree with us . Science is certain , and so are we : you are absolutely 76 % Slutty . Scored by OkCupid . com , free online dating : www . okcupid . comWe are also the Inventors of SparkNotes and TheSpark . com . posted by Dawn at 9 : 14 AM 0 Comments I can not work out the end of this month . I have 25lbs that I want to lose and can not do any workouts for a month after my surgery . I have my doctors appointment schd . for March 21 so I hope that she will tell me it is OK to work out when I see her . My plan to try to get my self ready for the summer is to cut out all the soda and salt . So far I am not doing to well with that . If I can get my eating habits in check than I may be able to hit my goal weight by summer time . I will also keep a food diary so I can keep track of my progress . Goals to accomplish by March 15th . 1 . No soda2 . No salt3 . Keep a food / workout diary4 . Drink lot 's of water ( that won 't be a problem ) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OK now that I have that I have my goal written down I hope that they will be harder to break . I have been on a few interviews and I have not had any luck . I realize that I make pretty good money and it is going to be hard to have to start benefits with another company . I am still looking for something in the medical field I am just not in a rush to leave my current job . I got a new title now and things are a little bit better for me . I will keep looking and enjoy my new job until it is time to move on to a better job . I am going to get ready to go out . Greg and I are going to go shopping and and have a nice quiet lunch together . Name : Dawn Location : USA , United States I have a 10 year old daughter I am married to a wonderful man . I just started my career and things are very positive right now for me . I am working on losing this weight before my 30th birthday next year and I love to pole dance and walk . |
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . I was becoming too comfortable with this lifestyle . My friends and family endured me because deep down there had to be a " good - guy " in there somewhere . I had seen and been part of more than life 's fair share of death and near death . Karma was winning . I had to make a change . I had to save myself . There was a place that I heard of where men like me could go to , a place that would never judge or discriminate against those who sought its embrace . I 'm sure that the local authorities would endorse my application into this organization . I was at a dead - end in my life and I felt it was going nowhere fast . So I did what all good blue blooded males do at this point in their lives . I signed up to do three years in the Marine Corp . I wanted to do something totally different , something I had never done before . This was certainly different . After all the paperwork and legal shit was done . I had gotten into a fight and got arrested and the judge wanted to send me away . Luckily the Gunny who recruited me , bailed me out of that jail in Long Island by telling the judge I was entering the military . I was told to report to the USMC recruiting station at 181st and Broadway on the 3rd of September . The night or two or three before the 3rd of September , I was out partying with as many good friends I could possibly find . We drank and smoked everything we could possibly smoke and drink in three days time . I was so hammered when the morning came for me to report to the recruiting station . I couldn 't walk on my own so like good buddies they were and not wanting me to miss my appointment . They literally carried me and dropped me off at the front door of the recruiter 's office . I actually awoke inside the doorstep of the recruiter 's office . For some ungodly reason he hands " ME " this large briefcase type luggage looking thing with all the personnel and medical records for all us recruits . He declared that " I " should be this responsible person . He must have regretted that decision once he handed me that records . Because then I choose as my assistant record keeper , this crazy looking dude with a Mohawk haircut . It takes us about an hour or so on the bus to get to Ft Hamilton and then another 10 hours of physicals , stress tests and assorted other useless examinations . From the base we take another bus shuttle to JFK airport . We check in at the ticket line . The airline proceeds to tell us that we have a good 7 or 8 hours to wait until our flight takes off . Dig this ; because I was the " leader " , I felt it was my duty to take care of us in the best way I knew how . I rounded everyone up and said , " Now some of us have money in our pockets and some of us don 't have any money at all . And since we 're going to boot camp for three months none of us will need any money . " I collect every dime from the whole group we actually ended up with a few hundred dollars . Then me and Mohawk Hair Dude take a yellow cab into downtown Queens and buy 25 cases of beer , ice , smokes and munchies . We then take another cab back to JFK , gather our fellow recruits and we all march across to the other side of the airport till we get to what was then known as the Flying Tigers airplane cargo hanger ( now it 's the FedEx terminal ) . We then spent the next 6 hours drinking , and getting to know each other . What a fucking blast . Most of these kids never had a drink in their life , it was awesome . By the time we went back to the main terminal and the gate to board our plane we were so freaking drunk that the 4 girls with us were actually placed into wheelchairs . As for the rest of us , we were farting , burping and making all sorts of other humorous bodily noises . We finally get seated and the plane takes off , and of course , we continue to buy drinks and food . We get thru the majority of the flight without any major problems , other than vomiting and a few fights with some of the other passengers . We safely land in South Carolina . Of course , we have another hour or so to wait for a second and much shorter flight to a smaller local airport closer to our final destination Parris Island South Carolina . So of course we slam back a few more beers and buy some more booze . Everyone is doing their very best to smoke all their cigarettes and do any other illegal substances that they had on them before we get to the base . Finally we boarded the last flight and everyone appeared to be mentally preparing themselves for what lies ahead . The flight takes less than 30 minutes and while we are descending into the airport , the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom . He is telling everyone that they have some special passengers on board . The pilot politely asks the other passengers if they would allow us future US Marines to exit first . We will be exiting thru a separate door in the rear of the aircraft . Even though we are all shitfaced drunk we 're thinking , " That 's right we 're Marines , make way you bunch of ordinary civilians . " That attitude does not last long though . The plane lands and taxis to the gate . As we walk toward the rear of the plane to this little exit door that is now open . I can hear screaming and yelling , more barking than yelling . It wasn 't until I got to the exit door myself that I saw what the all the yelling and barking was all about . Standing at the bottom of the steps , was quite possibly the biggest , meanest looking person I have ever seen in my entire life , ( including in the movies ) . He was massive . And he was pissed off for some reason . He was screaming , " Get down here you bunch of low life @ % $ % , and you * ) & % # $ . He was yelling at the top of his lungs , which I am pretty sure were massive as well . As the " drunks " , ( that 's us ) , made our way to the bottom of the stairs this massive dude was literally tossing people to one side of the room . I was able to run past him with the Mohawk hair guy into the bathroom to take a piss and snort the last of his cocaine . All of the sudden the frigging bathroom door comes flying open . The door practically comes off its hinges . And here comes SGT Rock Massive still screaming and yelling as he comes right at us . He sees that we 're doing drugs and takes a swing at me about head high . I duck and he hits the metal partition between the urinals we are standing at . The freaking thing breaks off the wall . I 'm laughing and pissing on myself as I run out of the tiny now " door - less " bathroom and into the madness that is the room filled with all my other drunk recruit buddies . Everyone is scrambling to find a corner to run to or stand in , just get away from these psychos . The Smokey hat wearing screaming , barking bellowing , yelling , vein neck bulging Marines are running behind people . Screaming at them , ordering us to stand in these little yellow footprints painted on the floor . I 'm standing straight as I can like everyone else . On my left is this little room with a small window , like one of those windows they have in the police station interrogation rooms . ( Not that I know of such rooms personally , or do I ? ) Through the small window , I can see SGT Rock Massive and this other huge guy in a hat . The two of them are waiving their hands , hats , and everything else all about like madmen . They 're also holding this black plastic garbage bag . Oh yeah , I forgot to mention something . Remember that briefcase luggage looking thing that the Gunny gave us with the records in it ? Well while we were at the airport drinking all that beer . I used that briefcase thing as a cooler for some of the beer . So naturally I used a garbage bag to hold the records . I was now guessing that all the records in that garbage bag got all shuffled and mixed up . The two giant mean screaming Sgt Massive come out of the little room and with one look . Everything and everyone stopped , no more screaming and yelling , just silence . I swear that second lasted an hour , but it didn 't . All of the sudden SGT Rock Massive starts screaming , Well , everyone looks at me and starts laughing , me included , but not for long . Before I knew it , I had one SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing in front of me screaming . Another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the right side of my face . I had one other SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the left side of my face . And I had yet another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the back of my neck , and YES there was actually one more SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing on top of a chair yelling at the top of my head , at the top of my head ! They are so close to me that every now and then one of them would knock his own hat off when its brim would hit me . You would think they could yell without their hats , right ? Apparently not , they need the hats to yell , I 'm not kidding . I don 't ever remember seeing a drill instructor yell without his hat . Well because of this still infamous act , I became the most taunted recruit throughout my entire experience at boot camp . Everyone knew about O ' Brien and the medical records fiasco . Every time there was a punishment handed out , our entire platoon had to scream , " Thank you private O ' Brien . " I survived boot camp and the rest of the shit that karma delivered to me . The moments and opportunities in my life that I thought had meaning and merit didn 't have either . The things in my life that I squandered and wasted would have been gladly received by someone else in this world . I had so much given to me and I gave it all away . There was this dream I had last night . One of many dreams last night in fact . In some of my dreams I 'm a hero , saving the less heroic . I 'm sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon . Yet this one dream last night was about " her , " or maybe it was really about " me . " Maybe me and her , oh hell , the truth is the dream was about MY HEART . MY HEART ; the very interior of MY HEART . I found myself actually inside of my own heart . What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself . Not in the typical way . This was different , much different I was inside the very thing that keeps me / us alive . Was this really a dream ? I can feel the vibrating red walls ; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART . As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in , I wonder if I will ever be able to leave , if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me . Will I want to ? I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me . I don 't understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me ? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch . What have I done , why does MY HEART not want MY touch ? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling . I 'm falling ! Not just me , everything IN HERE is dropping , falling downward , and spiraling out of control . I can 't hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something . Faster and faster MY HEART sinks , deeper it and I go , but to where ? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with . But NO I want to stop this falling ; I want to help MY HEART . My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open . The sound is horrible ; it 's like a wailing or crying . The sound won 't stop , and as I fall faster towards I don 't know where , the crying is all around . I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound , as if MY HEART was drowning . I feel the rain as it showers down upon me , only it 's not rain , its , its TEARS . MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its / MY tears . Falling , gurgling , and spiraling . I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth . I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there . No lips , no opening . I try to look at my hands , but I cannot see . It was July 1977 ; I just turned 18 years old . For most kids my age it was time for proms and enjoying the last summer before going to college . For some that might be a milestone , for me it meant that I was now walking on the thinnest of ice . I was now old enough to be charged as an adult for any crimes I would commit from this day forward . " SHIT SHIT SHIT , I 'm going to be late . I hate being late when I have to meet him , " I was thinking to myself . I was walking fast , maybe sort of running actually . I had to meet Mr . J . That 's what everybody called him . I remember his real name but it doesn 't matter now so we 'll stick with Mr . J . He was this big drug dealer in our neighborhood . He always had pot , coke , smack , if you could name it Mr . J sold it . He never actually dealt drugs himself . He always had younger guys carrying and selling drugs for him . I was one of those younger guys , and right now I was late for a meeting with Mr . J , shit I hate being late . It was around 3pm and it was hot and sticky today . Just a few days had passed since the great blackout of 1977 in New York City . The entire city was without power . Every traffic light , every store , and every single city power was out for more than 24 hours . There were over 1 , 000 fires set by looters and rioters . It was also The Summer of Sam . Sam was this physco nutjob running around shooting and killing lovers while they were kissing in their parked cars . Crazy , crazy shit happened that summer . The day after the blackout me and this buddy of mine named Ray made these t - shirts that said " I Survived the 1977 NYC Blackout " . We made them in all sizes and colors , Ray and I sold a shitload of theses shirts at $ 5 . 00 a piece . My day started like this ; Mr . J said I had to go handle this big pot delivery coming into the bus terminal . I figured no problem ; I 'll just go to midtown Manhattan and sell some t - shirts while I wait for the bus to come in . I sold a lot of shirts that day and still had a bunch of them stuffed in these two brown paper bags when I went to meet the pot delivery . I hustled over to The Port Authority bus terminal at 42nd Street and 8th Ave to meet the courier . After the exchange I went into the terminal bathroom and put the pot in the bottom of my shopping bags and the t - shirts of top of the pot . I then took the A train from 42nd Street to Dyckman Street , where I was to meet Mr . J and his boyfriend . I had always been a good solider for Mr . J . But there was never a good reason to be late . Especially today , today I had a big delivery . In each paper bag I had about 5 pounds of Columbian Gold , the finest and " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " I got off the subway train and was walking up Broadway , I was almost at the corner now and I could see Mr . J leaning up against his big black Cadillac . Even from across the street I could see his smiling eyes . He knew that I had the good stuff and my bags were worth a whole lot of money to him . Then it all happened so fast . The small car in front of the green city bus slammed on his brakes in an attempt to pull into a parking spot . The city bus didn 't have a chance to stop and slammed into the small car . The bus " crushed " the little car into some other parked cars and right behind the bus was that cop car . The cop car screeches to a stop just barely missing the back of the bus . The impact of the bus and car , the screeching tires from the cop and the image of me almost getting hit by something halted me in my tracks . I didn 't move a muscle , I should have but I didn 't . It suddenly occurred to me that I 'm the only person on the street here . I was the single , one and only fucking person on that very corner at that very moment . The cop that was driving and staring at me just moments ago gets out of his car . With his hat in one hand and his other hand scratching his head he sees me trying to indiscreetly cross the street behind his cop car with my two bags of some pot and t - shirts . He runs over and stands in front of me and starts babbling about how , " I WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN WITNESS . " I could see Mr . J waving his hands and trying to get me to walk away , but the goddamn cop was saying " Hold on a second there son , we 're going to need you to write down what you saw . " I was like " Officer I got to go , I 'm late , and I can 't hang around . " The other cop gets out of the car and yells " Just put him in the car , we 'll get his statement down at the station . " I had no choice but to get into the police car or I would be risking the cops getting suspicious . Worse yet , if I ran they would start chasing me and I wasn 't going to get too far with my bags . So I got into the car and off we go , as I look out the rear patrol car window I see Mr . J screaming and waving his arms . Back in the 70 's pot was pretty common . The cops didn 't have drug dogs walking around all the time like they do now . Besides the stuff I as carrying was professionally wrapped and packaged . This wasn 't some amateur operation , Mr . J and his connections took their pot business very serious . I was one of 2 dozens guys that picked up for him on a weekly basis . There were a lot of people who would have trouble seeing me getting into a cop car with their merchandise . He had this clipboard with a sheet of paper with lines on it resembling the intersection . He is talking and making little cars and city buses in his drawing . His eyes were looking downward at the clipboard , it was at this moment that he looks at my shopping bags and says , and " Hey what 's that in your shopping bag ? Are those t - shirts ? He yanks the top one out of my bag before I could react and he holds it up to look at the writing . " These are great shirts kid ; do you have a green one in extra large ? " I 'm freaking dying here as this cop starts reaching in my bag grabbing t - shirts . Before you know it , other cops that are walking by see this happening and they 're stopping and saying , " hey nice t - shirts . " Another cop asks me , " Do you have a red one ? " " I have a son and a daughter do you have any small sizes ? " The cop sitting on the bench with me starts to reach into my bags to sort thru the t - shirts . I barked at him , " I got it for you , I 'll get it , here you go , you want a blue one ? " I finally sell the last shirt to the last freaking cop in that goddamn police station . I lean back against the wooden bench , " Whew that was close . " I look down at my paper bags and I swear to god there must have been only a ½ dozen t - shirts left on each pile of pot in each bag . One more freaking " cop t - shirt rush " and they would have seen " the sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We finish up the accident interview and the cop says to me , " thanks for helping out kid , let me give you a ride back to your neighborhood . " I 'm like " no , no I 'm alright I 'll hop in a cab or take the bus really officer it 's no problem . " So once again I climb into a police car with my two bags of t - shirts and the " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We get back to same intersection where all this just started a few hours ago . And low and behold , still leaning against his big black caddy is Mr . J . This time he 's not smiling , he 's got this real pissed off look on his face like I was a rat or something . Not to mention here I am bringing the cops right to his feet . Never happen , because I 'm no rat and I would never ever skip out on anyone I was doing business with . I finally cross the street to him and I tell him everything that happened . I was waiting for him to pull out a gun and smack the shit out of me but instead he starts laughing , pats me on the head and says " get in the car little dude , let 's get the fuck out of here . " We drive back to his house and we get stoned right until the morning , then I lock myself in the back bedroom so I can sleep in peace . He has a big house and lots of people are always coming and going so he gave this back bedroom to me and another buddy so we could lock it from the inside while we sleep , but that is another story for another time . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . Blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . I was becoming too comfortable with this lifestyle . My friends and family endured me because deep down there had to be a " good - guy " in there somewhere . I had seen and been part of more than life 's fair share of death and near death . Karma was winning . I had to make a change . I had to save myself . There was a place that I heard of where men like me could go to , a place that would never judge or discriminate against those who sought its embrace . I 'm sure that the local authorities would endorse my application into this organization . I was at a dead - end in my life and I felt it was going nowhere fast . So I did what all good blue blooded males do at this point in their lives . I signed up to do three years in the Marine Corp . I wanted to do something totally different , something I had never done before . This was certainly different . After all the paperwork and legal shit was done . I had gotten into a fight and got arrested and the judge wanted to send me away . Luckily the Gunny who recruited me , bailed me out of that jail in Long Island by telling the judge I was entering the military . I was told to report to the USMC recruiting station at 181st and Broadway on the 3rd of September . The night or two or three before the 3rd of September , I was out partying with as many good friends I could possibly find . We drank and smoked everything we could possibly smoke and drink in three days time . I was so hammered when the morning came for me to report to the recruiting station . I couldn 't walk on my own so like good buddies they were and not wanting me to miss my appointment . They literally carried me and dropped me off at the front door of the recruiter 's office . I actually awoke inside the doorstep of the recruiter 's office . For some ungodly reason he hands " ME " this large briefcase type luggage looking thing with all the personnel and medical records for all us recruits . He declared that " I " should be this responsible person . He must have regretted that decision once he handed me that records . Because then I choose as my assistant record keeper , this crazy looking dude with a Mohawk haircut . It takes us about an hour or so on the bus to get to Ft Hamilton and then another 10 hours of physicals , stress tests and assorted other useless examinations . From the base we take another bus shuttle to JFK airport . We check in at the ticket line . The airline proceeds to tell us that we have a good 7 or 8 hours to wait until our flight takes off . Dig this ; because I was the " leader " , I felt it was my duty to take care of us in the best way I knew how . I rounded everyone up and said , " Now some of us have money in our pockets and some of us don 't have any money at all . And since we 're going to boot camp for three months none of us will need any money . " I collect every dime from the whole group we actually ended up with a few hundred dollars . Then me and Mohawk Hair Dude take a yellow cab into downtown Queens and buy 25 cases of beer , ice , smokes and munchies . We then take another cab back to JFK , gather our fellow recruits and we all march across to the other side of the airport till we get to what was then known as the Flying Tigers airplane cargo hanger ( now it 's the FedEx terminal ) . We then spent the next 6 hours drinking , and getting to know each other . What a fucking blast . Most of these kids never had a drink in their life , it was awesome . By the time we went back to the main terminal and the gate to board our plane we were so freaking drunk that the 4 girls with us were actually placed into wheelchairs . As for the rest of us , we were farting , burping and making all sorts of other humorous bodily noises . We finally get seated and the plane takes off , and of course , we continue to buy drinks and food . We get thru the majority of the flight without any major problems , other than vomiting and a few fights with some of the other passengers . We safely land in South Carolina . Of course , we have another hour or so to wait for a second and much shorter flight to a smaller local airport closer to our final destination Parris Island South Carolina . So of course we slam back a few more beers and buy some more booze . Everyone is doing their very best to smoke all their cigarettes and do any other illegal substances that they had on them before we get to the base . Finally we boarded the last flight and everyone appeared to be mentally preparing themselves for what lies ahead . The flight takes less than 30 minutes and while we are descending into the airport , the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom . He is telling everyone that they have some special passengers on board . The pilot politely asks the other passengers if they would allow us future US Marines to exit first . We will be exiting thru a separate door in the rear of the aircraft . Even though we are all shitfaced drunk we 're thinking , " That 's right we 're Marines , make way you bunch of ordinary civilians . " That attitude does not last long though . The plane lands and taxis to the gate . As we walk toward the rear of the plane to this little exit door that is now open . I can hear screaming and yelling , more barking than yelling . It wasn 't until I got to the exit door myself that I saw what the all the yelling and barking was all about . Standing at the bottom of the steps , was quite possibly the biggest , meanest looking person I have ever seen in my entire life , ( including in the movies ) . He was massive . And he was pissed off for some reason . He was screaming , " Get down here you bunch of low life @ % $ % , and you * ) & % # $ . He was yelling at the top of his lungs , which I am pretty sure were massive as well . As the " drunks " , ( that 's us ) , made our way to the bottom of the stairs this massive dude was literally tossing people to one side of the room . I was able to run past him with the Mohawk hair guy into the bathroom to take a piss and snort the last of his cocaine . All of the sudden the frigging bathroom door comes flying open . The door practically comes off its hinges . And here comes SGT Rock Massive still screaming and yelling as he comes right at us . He sees that we 're doing drugs and takes a swing at me about head high . I duck and he hits the metal partition between the urinals we are standing at . The freaking thing breaks off the wall . I 'm laughing and pissing on myself as I run out of the tiny now " door - less " bathroom and into the madness that is the room filled with all my other drunk recruit buddies . Everyone is scrambling to find a corner to run to or stand in , just get away from these psychos . The Smokey hat wearing screaming , barking bellowing , yelling , vein neck bulging Marines are running behind people . Screaming at them , ordering us to stand in these little yellow footprints painted on the floor . I 'm standing straight as I can like everyone else . On my left is this little room with a small window , like one of those windows they have in the police station interrogation rooms . ( Not that I know of such rooms personally , or do I ? ) Through the small window , I can see SGT Rock Massive and this other huge guy in a hat . The two of them are waiving their hands , hats , and everything else all about like madmen . They 're also holding this black plastic garbage bag . Oh yeah , I forgot to mention something . Remember that briefcase luggage looking thing that the Gunny gave us with the records in it ? Well while we were at the airport drinking all that beer . I used that briefcase thing as a cooler for some of the beer . So naturally I used a garbage bag to hold the records . I was now guessing that all the records in that garbage bag got all shuffled and mixed up . The two giant mean screaming Sgt Massive come out of the little room and with one look . Everything and everyone stopped , no more screaming and yelling , just silence . I swear that second lasted an hour , but it didn 't . All of the sudden SGT Rock Massive starts screaming , Well , everyone looks at me and starts laughing , me included , but not for long . Before I knew it , I had one SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing in front of me screaming . Another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the right side of my face . I had one other SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the left side of my face . And I had yet another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the back of my neck , and YES there was actually one more SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing on top of a chair yelling at the top of my head , at the top of my head ! They are so close to me that every now and then one of them would knock his own hat off when its brim would hit me . You would think they could yell without their hats , right ? Apparently not , they need the hats to yell , I 'm not kidding . I don 't ever remember seeing a drill instructor yell without his hat . Well because of this still infamous act , I became the most taunted recruit throughout my entire experience at boot camp . Everyone knew about O ' Brien and the medical records fiasco . Every time there was a punishment handed out , our entire platoon had to scream , " Thank you private O ' Brien . " I survived boot camp and the rest of the shit that karma delivered to me . The moments and opportunities in my life that I thought had meaning and merit didn 't have either . The things in my life that I squandered and wasted would have been gladly received by someone else in this world . I had so much given to me and I gave it all away . There was this dream I had last night . One of many dreams last night in fact . In some of my dreams I 'm a hero , saving the less heroic . I 'm sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon . Yet this one dream last night was about " her , " or maybe it was really about " me . " Maybe me and her , oh hell , the truth is the dream was about MY HEART . MY HEART ; the very interior of MY HEART . I found myself actually inside of my own heart . What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself . Not in the typical way . This was different , much different I was inside the very thing that keeps me / us alive . Was this really a dream ? I can feel the vibrating red walls ; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART . As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in , I wonder if I will ever be able to leave , if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me . Will I want to ? I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me . I don 't understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me ? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch . What have I done , why does MY HEART not want MY touch ? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling . I 'm falling ! Not just me , everything IN HERE is dropping , falling downward , and spiraling out of control . I can 't hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something . Faster and faster MY HEART sinks , deeper it and I go , but to where ? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with . But NO I want to stop this falling ; I want to help MY HEART . My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open . The sound is horrible ; it 's like a wailing or crying . The sound won 't stop , and as I fall faster towards I don 't know where , the crying is all around . I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound , as if MY HEART was drowning . I feel the rain as it showers down upon me , only it 's not rain , its , its TEARS . MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its / MY tears . Falling , gurgling , and spiraling . I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth . I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there . No lips , no opening . I try to look at my hands , but I cannot see . It was July 1977 ; I just turned 18 years old . For most kids my age it was time for proms and enjoying the last summer before going to college . For some that might be a milestone , for me it meant that I was now walking on the thinnest of ice . I was now old enough to be charged as an adult for any crimes I would commit from this day forward . " SHIT SHIT SHIT , I 'm going to be late . I hate being late when I have to meet him , " I was thinking to myself . I was walking fast , maybe sort of running actually . I had to meet Mr . J . That 's what everybody called him . I remember his real name but it doesn 't matter now so we 'll stick with Mr . J . He was this big drug dealer in our neighborhood . He always had pot , coke , smack , if you could name it Mr . J sold it . He never actually dealt drugs himself . He always had younger guys carrying and selling drugs for him . I was one of those younger guys , and right now I was late for a meeting with Mr . J , shit I hate being late . It was around 3pm and it was hot and sticky today . Just a few days had passed since the great blackout of 1977 in New York City . The entire city was without power . Every traffic light , every store , and every single city power was out for more than 24 hours . There were over 1 , 000 fires set by looters and rioters . It was also The Summer of Sam . Sam was this physco nutjob running around shooting and killing lovers while they were kissing in their parked cars . Crazy , crazy shit happened that summer . The day after the blackout me and this buddy of mine named Ray made these t - shirts that said " I Survived the 1977 NYC Blackout " . We made them in all sizes and colors , Ray and I sold a shitload of theses shirts at $ 5 . 00 a piece . My day started like this ; Mr . J said I had to go handle this big pot delivery coming into the bus terminal . I figured no problem ; I 'll just go to midtown Manhattan and sell some t - shirts while I wait for the bus to come in . I sold a lot of shirts that day and still had a bunch of them stuffed in these two brown paper bags when I went to meet the pot delivery . I hustled over to The Port Authority bus terminal at 42nd Street and 8th Ave to meet the courier . After the exchange I went into the terminal bathroom and put the pot in the bottom of my shopping bags and the t - shirts of top of the pot . I then took the A train from 42nd Street to Dyckman Street , where I was to meet Mr . J and his boyfriend . I had always been a good solider for Mr . J . But there was never a good reason to be late . Especially today , today I had a big delivery . In each paper bag I had about 5 pounds of Columbian Gold , the finest and " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " I got off the subway train and was walking up Broadway , I was almost at the corner now and I could see Mr . J leaning up against his big black Cadillac . Even from across the street I could see his smiling eyes . He knew that I had the good stuff and my bags were worth a whole lot of money to him . Then it all happened so fast . The small car in front of the green city bus slammed on his brakes in an attempt to pull into a parking spot . The city bus didn 't have a chance to stop and slammed into the small car . The bus " crushed " the little car into some other parked cars and right behind the bus was that cop car . The cop car screeches to a stop just barely missing the back of the bus . The impact of the bus and car , the screeching tires from the cop and the image of me almost getting hit by something halted me in my tracks . I didn 't move a muscle , I should have but I didn 't . It suddenly occurred to me that I 'm the only person on the street here . I was the single , one and only fucking person on that very corner at that very moment . The cop that was driving and staring at me just moments ago gets out of his car . With his hat in one hand and his other hand scratching his head he sees me trying to indiscreetly cross the street behind his cop car with my two bags of some pot and t - shirts . He runs over and stands in front of me and starts babbling about how , " I WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN WITNESS . " I could see Mr . J waving his hands and trying to get me to walk away , but the goddamn cop was saying " Hold on a second there son , we 're going to need you to write down what you saw . " I was like " Officer I got to go , I 'm late , and I can 't hang around . " The other cop gets out of the car and yells " Just put him in the car , we 'll get his statement down at the station . " I had no choice but to get into the police car or I would be risking the cops getting suspicious . Worse yet , if I ran they would start chasing me and I wasn 't going to get too far with my bags . So I got into the car and off we go , as I look out the rear patrol car window I see Mr . J screaming and waving his arms . Back in the 70 's pot was pretty common . The cops didn 't have drug dogs walking around all the time like they do now . Besides the stuff I as carrying was professionally wrapped and packaged . This wasn 't some amateur operation , Mr . J and his connections took their pot business very serious . I was one of 2 dozens guys that picked up for him on a weekly basis . There were a lot of people who would have trouble seeing me getting into a cop car with their merchandise . He had this clipboard with a sheet of paper with lines on it resembling the intersection . He is talking and making little cars and city buses in his drawing . His eyes were looking downward at the clipboard , it was at this moment that he looks at my shopping bags and says , and " Hey what 's that in your shopping bag ? Are those t - shirts ? He yanks the top one out of my bag before I could react and he holds it up to look at the writing . " These are great shirts kid ; do you have a green one in extra large ? " I 'm freaking dying here as this cop starts reaching in my bag grabbing t - shirts . Before you know it , other cops that are walking by see this happening and they 're stopping and saying , " hey nice t - shirts . " Another cop asks me , " Do you have a red one ? " " I have a son and a daughter do you have any small sizes ? " The cop sitting on the bench with me starts to reach into my bags to sort thru the t - shirts . I barked at him , " I got it for you , I 'll get it , here you go , you want a blue one ? " I finally sell the last shirt to the last freaking cop in that goddamn police station . I lean back against the wooden bench , " Whew that was close . " I look down at my paper bags and I swear to god there must have been only a ½ dozen t - shirts left on each pile of pot in each bag . One more freaking " cop t - shirt rush " and they would have seen " the sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We finish up the accident interview and the cop says to me , " thanks for helping out kid , let me give you a ride back to your neighborhood . " I 'm like " no , no I 'm alright I 'll hop in a cab or take the bus really officer it 's no problem . " So once again I climb into a police car with my two bags of t - shirts and the " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We get back to same intersection where all this just started a few hours ago . And low and behold , still leaning against his big black caddy is Mr . J . This time he 's not smiling , he 's got this real pissed off look on his face like I was a rat or something . Not to mention here I am bringing the cops right to his feet . Never happen , because I 'm no rat and I would never ever skip out on anyone I was doing business with . I finally cross the street to him and I tell him everything that happened . I was waiting for him to pull out a gun and smack the shit out of me but instead he starts laughing , pats me on the head and says " get in the car little dude , let 's get the fuck out of here . " We drive back to his house and we get stoned right until the morning , then I lock myself in the back bedroom so I can sleep in peace . He has a big house and lots of people are always coming and going so he gave this back bedroom to me and another buddy so we could lock it from the inside while we sleep , but that is another story for another time . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
My brother ( # 2 with the cray - cray ex ) called me last evening to see how I was doing . I was kind of surprised but pleased , because I didn 't expect it from him . My father has been checking on me by phone , too . I did okay last night , though I stayed up late again . I didn 't have any snake nightmares that I remember , but I was so damn exhausted when I turned off the lights and TV that I probably didn 't have the energy to dream . I was up on time to feed the dogs this morning and take them out . No sign of the snake , but I didn 't hang around looking for it either ! After that , I went back to bed , hoping that I could waste some hours by sleeping . I dozed on and off for a couple of hours , but Butthead decided I needed to get my ass out of bed ( bark bark bark bark bark bark ) , so I gave up . Today was the slowest and least active day of the four . I didn 't cook anything or bake anything or clean anything . I ate soup for lunch and leftover takeout food for dinner . And I had gelato as a snack this afternoon because I wanted it . The snake repellent showed up via Amazon one day delivery . I immediately took it out and sprinkled the smelly crap all over the garden and bushes up against the house . I think the smell kind of freaked out Butthead , but that doesn 't take much . I have no clue if it 'll work , but I guess it makes me feel slightly better to try doing something . I went to visit my father ( which I 've done every day over these past four days ) and spent a little time chatting with him . I talked to Hub a few times , but he 's been busy site - seeing and hanging out with his father and sister . Soon he 'll be on the plane heading home … and I couldn 't be happier . I hope the flight is swift and easy and he can rest as he wings his way home . Took the dogs out at 10pm and saw no snakes . That was good news . Of course , I let them pee and hurried them back into the house . When Hub is home , he allows Le Moo to lounge on the patio for a while at 10ish , but I wasn 't letting her get away with that . Especially with the potential for snake - lurking . I 've got half a book to read , so once it 's done I 'll turn out the lights and try to sleep for a couple of hours . I have my alarm set to get up in the morning and to call my father to wake him . He 'll drive to the airport with me to pick up Hub , since I don 't like to drive the interstate to get to the airport . I mean , I could do it , but I don 't like to and my father likes to help when he can . Thanks for sticking with me , ya 'll . I really blogged this week so I can remind myself that I was able to do this if I ever have to look back . But honestly , it did help to know you all were rooting for me , too ! I stayed up reading last night until about 1 am , then fell asleep . Then I was up at 5 : 45 am and that was it , I was up for the day . I tried to fall back asleep , but couldn 't . I finally got out of bed at 7 : 30 and fed the dogs , then took them out . Then I went back to bed but was too restless to even doze . I had to be out of the house by 9 : 30 for my massage , so I just gave up and got dressed at 8 : 30 . I thought the massage would be good and relaxing - since I did ask for a relaxing massage and not trigger point - but I kind of felt icky and my head felt real stuffy and swollen when I was on my stomach . And my face felt swollen in the face rest thingy . Afterward I was so tired that I had trouble driving home . Then I had to feed the dogs their mid - day meal and take them out . I had hoped to rest after that , but it didn 't work out . I tried reading and watching TV , but the dogs kept wanting to go out so I kept having to get up . On and off I IM 'd with Hub as he was running errands and getting things ready for the wedding . He 's getting kind of irritated with his father at this point . They don 't really get along too well on a regular basis , and their politics are polar opposite . So Hub is feeling edgy and unhappy . He still has to get through tomorrow without going crazy , then tomorrow night late he gets on the plane to come home overnight . Okay , so I did the dinner thing and fed the dogs and retrieved a wedding invitation from my mailbox from my cousin . I went to check in on my father to see if he got his invitation , then to remind him he needed to try on his suit , in case he needed to buy a new one . Then I came home , I took the dogs out , did their after dinner snacky , took them out again , then sat down to read and play some games on my iPad . I was able to stretch out the evening so I only had to take the dogs out again at 10pm before bedtime . So at 10pm I take them downstairs and outside . One goes one way , the other goes the other way , so I stand just off the deck on our small paver patio to wait for them . Then I see Le Moo sniffing at something on the patio about 3 feet away from me … and I step closer to take another look . It 's cicada time here , so I was thinking it was a live cicada and she was going to try to eat it - experience speaking here - and I was prepared to admonish her . And then I realized it wasn 't a cicada . On my patio , right off my deck , right outside my back door . Last Friday I beat a smaller snake to death out in the yard after I nearly walked on it while picking up dog poop . Fortunately , I spotted it while still about six inches away and I hotfooted it back to the house and grabbed the hard metal rake that had been sitting on the deck . I found the snake in the yard again - out toward the back closer to the fence and the " woods " back there - and I beat that fucker to death . It took me like five minutes because the damn thing wouldn 't die … I think because there are ruts in the grass out there so I wasn 't getting good contact with it . When I was sure it was dead I used the rake to pick it up and I threw it out over the fence into the brush . I hurt my arms , my back , and the back of my legs trying to kill it . Okay , so back to tonight . The damn snake is on the patio , brazen as you please , bigger than the one from Friday - at least 2 feet long - head up , glaring at Le Moo . Le Moo starts backing away and I order her to go up onto the deck . But Butthead is out on the other side of the snake in the yard , peeing , and she finishes and comes running back and she always runs on the patio . And of course she has to run right past the snake , which she does , but then she does a double - take and goes back … and I 'm screaming at her to get away from the damn snake and she 's sniffing right at it because she 's STOOPID . So I finally order her away and both dogs into the house , and I rush into the garage to get a shovel … but by the time I get back outside the fucker is GONE . So now it 's either in the bushes right up against the house and next to the patio , or it 's in the grass somewhere . So now I gotta go back out there tomorrow , wondering where it is . Is it lurking in the bushes ? In the grass ? Is it gonna jump out and BITE ME or the dogs ? I don 't like killing things . Friday was the first time I 'd ever killed a snake … or probably anything other than ants and spiders . Before that , Hub had killed two of them since we 've lived in this house . We 've never had snake problems before we moved here . I 'm not happy about killing anything . But … I have nightmares about snakes attacking me and biting me and all kindsa shit . I 'm NOT good with snakes in my yard . Yes , I know they keep rodents away . Yes , I understand that the snakes in my yard are not likely to be venomous . Yes , I even understand they are not likely to actually bite unless threatened … but guys , it 's a goddamn snake and I am afraid of snakes . I 'd rather let the owls and the hawks take care of the rodents and let the snakes go somewhere else . ANYWHERE ELSE . AWAY FROM HERE . I ordered snake repellent from Amazon , to be delivered sometime tomorrow . It 's not likely to help , I 'm aware , but I 'm desperate to try anything to keep these things away from the house . I mean hey , live your life out there in the woods Snakey - snakey … just not here in my yard or on my patio or in the goddamn bushes next to my house . So yeah , day 3 is done . I am managing but I 'm damn tired . And I 'm not looking forward to the snake nightmares tonight , or the anxiety of watching out for snakes tomorrow in real life . Ugh , We dropped Hub off this morning at 4 : 15am for his flight . After I got home and let the dogs out , I instant messaged with Hub until he boarded the plane at 5 : 45 . By then I 'd already fed the dogs and gotten back into bed . I dozed for a few hours , then got up and went about my day . For the most part I felt like Hub was at work and I allowed myself to just be that way . I 've almost read two books and I pretty much had movies on the TV all day , although mostly they were movies I 'd already seen . I had Mama Mia ! on the TV maybe three times at random points through the movie , because I like singing those songs and they passed the time more easily . Hairspray was on at least once , too . I 've done okay for most of the day . Unfortunately , around 9 : 30pm tonight , Butthead freaked out and had her tail tucked under and was barking hysterically while backing her way into the bedroom where I was reading and watching TV . I went out into the hallway and checked all the rooms up here ( she refused to follow me and instead ran down the stairs ) , but I have no idea what her major malfunction was . I took them out in the darkness , but luckily it was a little rainy , so both dogs ran out and peed and ran right back to the door to go in . So we kind of settled into the bedroom at that point and after some treats and wandering around , they both have settled in . I suspect they are also exhausted from starting their day at 3am . I 've talked to Hub twice on the phone and a few more times on instant messenger . He seems to be okay but the last we talked about an hour ago , he was sounding just exhausted . I hope he 's going to sack out soon , even though it 's pretty early in the evening out there . He said he kept moving his legs around on the plane , even though first class wasn 't as roomy as he 'd hoped , and that he felt okay when he deboarded . Is that a word ? Deboarded ? What else do they call it ? Anyway , he says he felt okay and when I talked to him later he said he was feeling okay just tired from the long day . I was happy to hear from my SIL by phone ( I couldn 't figure out the damn facetime thing through FB 's messenger ) after she opened my gift to her for her wedding . I crocheted her a blanket that turned out to be about queen size ( the pic below is spread out on a king size guest bed ) in these amazing colors that made me think of her . Hub 's father said she has walls in her house painted in yellow and orange , so I found this awesome yarn and went to town . Took me several months ( and a lot of pain ) to get the blanket done , but apparently she loved it a lot . Made me feel like the work was worth it . I saw my father earlier when I took the dogs out this afternoon and he reminded me that I could stay at his house overnight or whatever . I said I was going to try to stay home , but if I had any issue I would just hike over there with the dogs and stay there . Around 8 : 30pm tonight he called to see how I was doing and how my day had gone . Then he reminded me that if I had any trouble I should just let myself into his house no matter what time it was . Then he gave me his late - night schedule so I would know how late he would be awake , but then he told me again to just come over whenever I need to . I 'm not sure if I 'll be able to sleep tonight or not . I still have some reading left in my second book of the day and a youtube video to watch for a channel I subscribe to . I dunno … I 'm locked in the bedroom with the dogs and I 'm sure I 'm safe ( even though I 'm kind of worried that I locked the bedroom door and if someone needs to get in here to rescue me for some reason the locked door will be an issue ) , but it 's still weird . I kind of hope I 'll be tired enough to fall asleep at some point . I had my regular soup for lunch and leftover takeout for dinner , so eating wasn 't a major issue today . I have more takeout again for tomorrow night 's dinner if I want it , and I ( pressure ) cooked up a fresh pot of my lunch - soup this morning so I have enough for the rest of the week . It 's boring , but I eat soup most days of the week for lunch because it means I don 't have to think about it . I dump it in a bowl , add some sauteed mushrooms , and nuke it … easy - peasy no thinking . Also , the soup is bean soup , so it 's pretty healthy … protein and fiber and veggies and carbs , all - in - one . I wasn 't sure what to do this year about mother 's day . Last year I sent Hub off to his mother 's house without me , and I spent part of the day with my brother and his then wife ( now ex - wife ) . I talked with T about this on Friday , because I feel some guilt about not going to my mother - in - law 's to be with her , but I just am not ready yet this year . I know she understands - as does Hub - but I am at heart a people - pleaser , and so the guilt sat heavy with me . In the end , though , I couldn 't make myself go . My father had mentioned to me Friday evening that he was going to go to the cemetery to visit my mother 's grave and he asked if I wanted to go . I didn 't answer him at that point , but Sunday morning when I saw him , he brought it up again . He said he knew it made me feel " uncomfortable " , but he wanted to make the offer for me to join him . I tried to be gentle in responding when I said to him , " I don 't feel uncomfortable about going , but the truth is , I don 't feel a connection to Mom there . I don 't feel it to Nana and Papa , either … it doesn 't work that way for me . " ( my grandparents are buried in the plots next to my mother ) . For real , I feel more of a connection to my mother in her " den " closet , where she had a bunch of books stashed on a bookshelf … gardening , trees , cookbooks … I stumbled on them at one point and ended up crying . Because that 's my mother . The cemetery is just a marker for her physical body 's last resting place , but it has no history for me with her . My father only said OK and that he was okay to go alone , which I had to trust was true . Somewhere around ten a . m . , I texted my brother ( the one with the ex - wife ) to see what he was doing that afternoon . He said " nothing " , so I asked if he wanted to do something . What I really wanted to do was go back to the nursery where Mom and I used to go all the time , and where he and I went after she died . I also offered up the opportunity for him to come to my house to help me bake peanut butter cookies , which he ( and my other brother ) scarf up as fast as I can make them . His response was a preference to go to the garden center , so in some corner of my mind I knew it was the right thing to do . Even Hub said as much when I told him my plans for the afternoon while he was with his mother … he said my mom would be happy to know I was spending time there with my brother . So after lunch , my brother and I set out for the nursery , which is about 20 minutes away . We talked a lot in the car about how he 's been doing with his depression and his medication , as well as some other health issues he 's dealing with . But once at the nursery , we talked about plants . We walked around the big place for about two hours - which leaves me exhausted and in pain today unfortunately - just chattering and touching plants and gagging over the high prices . We bought absolutely nothing , but it was worth the time and energy and pain , because it felt right . This brother and I , we have always been the closest of the siblings - with the exception of his married life where he withdrew from the whole family … and even then I tried to stay in touch with him as much as it was possible - so this connection felt good to renew . I know he 's struggling with his depression and his newly single life and his desire for a partner and … well , lots of stuff . And part of today was to remind him that he 's not alone . Doing that for my mom and for him made the day work for me . I miss my mother so terribly . Every day . I feel like my identity without her has been lost . I don 't know how to get it back … yet . I 'm still searching , and maybe someday I 'll find my purpose again . I described ( to T and a friend ) the run - up to mother 's day as " being poked with a cattle prod when you 're already on fire " … and it 's true . That 's so much how I felt with all the television commercials and the holiday displays in all the stores and the radio commercials and facebook and instagram and on and on . I worry that it will always feel this way , this painful , this sad , this lost . Living without my mom has changed my life and changed me at my core . I don 't know how to adjust to that , or that adjustment is even possible . Somehow , I have to find a way forward . Last night I watched Bad Moms on television while Hub was still at his mother 's . There 's a point in the movie where Mila Kunis is talking to her movie daughter and she basically says , " I know you can make it through this because I 'm your mother and I know what you 're made of . " It was such a dumb , funny , stupid , crazy movie , but that scene and those words ( which I can 't remember exactly ) really hit me hard . I know my mother believed in me and believed in my strength and my ability to persist . I hope I can find a way to continue to make her proud in that aspect as I try to find my way . As a minor update , I finished all my bactrim pills successfully . I don 't know how much I feel better , but so far it seems the smell is gone , so I take that as success . I wasn 't too much more itchy the last day and half , so that was good . My stomach isn 't entirely back to normal yet , but I know the bactrim stays in your system for several days following the last pill . So hopefully another couple of days and my stomach will be better . So I 've taken six pills so far for what my doctor diagnosed as a sinus infection . I wanted to make note of what has been happening with the bactrim , at least for my future reference . Here 's what my historical experience prepared me for : I 'm definitely getting a lot of heartburn / acid reflux . My appetite is nil and the nausea is there for sure . My stomach hurts almost all the time , but that could also be from the acid reflux / heartburn . What is also a bit distressing is that last night before dinner ( after the 4th pill at 9 : 30am that morning ) , I had a really bad hot flush on my face and ear , and I had anxiety . I 'm not sure if the anxiety came from the hot flush or from the ABs . So I took another pill this morning at about the same time as yesterday … and tonight the hot flush started again before dinner . I didn 't even wait this time , I just got a cold pack and put it on my face until I was pretty well frozen . I didn 't get the anxiety , but I also stopped the hot flush early on , so maybe I stopped the anxiety before it started . Last night we invited my father over for dinner since my brother ( the one that lives with him ) is out of town for several days . Then tonight we went out for burgers with him and my other brother . Tomorrow Dad 's going to the grocery store with us in the morning , basically because he 's tired of being stuck in the house alone . He and I talked about how hard it is to be alone in the house all the time ( while his house - mate is out of town ) , and I told him how concerned I am about being alone when Hub goes away . I told him I might end up sleeping there at night and he said if I did then they would be able to help me with the dogs in the early morning hours . I said I 'd let him know . I 've been going out for walks every day and when I get to his house , I call him to tell him to send his dog into the yard with us … sometimes he comes out to chat at that point . It 's hard because I used to do this to go hang out with Mom … and it 's not as easy to find things to talk about with Dad all the time . But I 'm trying t keep up with the walking outside , so if he wants to chat with me he 'll have the opportunity . I 'm still feeling lousy . There are days when I barely have the energy to do anything , including feed myself . I force myself to get up , do things , take care of the dogs and myself . In between , I rest . I get outside with the dogs for a 10 - 20 minute stroll every day around the yard as the weather allows so I am at least moving somewhat . I 've read a couple of books and I 'm trying to do some crocheting in small doses . But I feel lousy . My imbalance , the nausea , heartburn , fatigue , pain … it 's all still here . Sleeplessness , heat intolerance … I 'm hot and cold all the time . Sometimes I feel sweaty when there 's no sweat . Sometimes my hands and feet are sweaty and clammy . Today I have tingling in my fingers and face . And always the pain in various parts of my body . Both shoulders are bad , and for one of them I can 't lift my arm up above shoulder height . I 'm eating small amounts of food and feeling full , then feeling hungry again later . Rinse and repeat when I eat again … small amounts of food and feeling full , then hungry again . Our health insurance doesn 't kick in again until May 1st . Even so , the last time ( s ) I saw my doctor , she found nothing troubling . It could still be grief . I 'm sad a lot , but I 'm also exhausted a lot . Sometimes I 'm not sure if I 'm sad or tired . This stuff has all been going on since the beginning of February . It doesn 't seem as if it 's going away … it 's coming up on three months . I can 't imagine it 's just going to disappear anytime soon . As if I didn 't have enough to think about , the biggest issue looming is that Hub is flying to California soon for his sister 's wedding . He 's going to be gone for five days . And I 'm going to be alone , having to take care of myself and the dogs 24 / 7 for those days . I 'm going to be in this big stupid house all by myself , day and night , for five days . I 'm going to have to be up early to feed the dogs , and then I 'm going to have to be up and alert late to make sure they get out at night before bed . And then I 'm going to be alone overnight in the darkness . I haven 't been alone like this since before I first got sick over 17 years ago . The last time Hub traveled - maybe eight years ago - I stayed with my parents with the dog we had at that time so they could help me . But it 's different now . My mother is gone , and she 's the one who kept everything in line in their house . My heat intolerance is bad and Dad still keeps their house too hot for me , so I 'll feel horrible all day and not sleep at night . Butthead is difficult to keep track of , and I can 't trust my father or my brother to make sure she 's not eating things in the yard late at night or early in the morning . The friends I have who are local have their own lives , work , families , pets , I can 't ask them to come help me . I considered hiring someone , but having a stranger in the house while I 'm here alone is frightening to me . I 've considered staying up all night and sleeping all day , but the dogs go out multiple times during the day so I 'd have to be awake and dressed to do that repeatedly during daylight hours . That means no sleep at night and basically no sleep during the day . I could try to sleep at night but being alone in the house overnight is scary for me and I 'm not sure I 'll sleep . Not sleeping will , of course , make everything worse . This all makes me feel like an invalid . But I 'm honestly afraid to be alone 24 / 7 for five days . I don 't know how I 'll deal with pain and anxiety and exhaustion without any support or reprieve from taking care of the dogs and myself . There are moments when I think I will be able to handle it , and then there are moments when I am positive I won 't be able to handle it . The truth will probably live somewhere in between , in the end . I have avoided thinking about this since February , when Hub bought his tickets , but it 's coming too soon for me to keep pushing it aside . I 'm feeling so shitty , I can 't even . Period . I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue … I 'm exhausted before I get going . And now … and now , my imbalance is back in a big way . I 'm struggling to walk without falling over , and I 'm back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable . This is a huge slide backward for me , as I haven 't had this kind of imbalance in quite some time . I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I 'm still exhausted and I 'm still nauseated . She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit , but she 's still thinking I have a virus that I need to just " wait out " . She sent me for more blood work ( ANA , rheumatoid arthritis , lyme , iron , b12 ) , but everything came back normal . My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range . I 've ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP . Maybe it 's that , maybe it 's stress and grief , maybe it 's something else . I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor . She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20 - 30 minutes a day . She says dehydration can cause nausea - and maybe it can - but my drinking habits haven 't altered much . Except now I feel like shit and so I don 't want to do anything , including drink . If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I 'll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post - nasal drip and more nausea . The doctor didn 't care for that and told me to do it anyway , that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue . I 'm not eating much because I 'm so nauseated all the time . I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can 't put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner , then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch . I spend most of my days on the couch , barely even bothering to look at my computer . I try to stay upright , but I 'm so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over . I don 't know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same . I feel like I 'm sliding into this despair of thinking that I 'll never feel better . That it will always be like this . I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff - I did three loads of laundry on Sunday - in the hopes that if I ignore what 's going on it will go away . But by the time I do anything , I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch . Or in bed . Sleeping is a negatory . I try to sleep but it doesn 't work , and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed . I don 't feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes . I want to cry but I 'm too fucking tired to cry . I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment . I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning , but I literally got an email at 9 : 30pm saying she 's sick and has to cancel . And for sure I 'm grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu , but I 'm so disappointed . For one thing , I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea ( hoping , though not confident ) … for another thing , getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar . It 'll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her , which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn 't want to be back in her " hands " too soon . But it 's hard to miss appointment after appointment when I 'm feeling so poorly . Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area , but none of them do trigger point AND it 's hard to just find a new massage therapist . It 's like a mental therapist … you have a relationship built up . It 's not so easy to walk into someone 's space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour . I see T on Friday , which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother 's passing . Just happens to be how it worked out . Considering how things are going at the moment , it 's going to be a long , sobby appointment . I can 't stand this constant nausea . Every time I swallow I feel sick . Every time I move I 'm wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse . If I didn 't have the dogs , I 'd be in bed all day . I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she 'd be okay for a while , but I didn 't want to give in . I 've been in that place where I didn 't get out of bed for weeks ( with my prilosec fever ) and that 's a bad road to head down . It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse . Hub 's birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend . I don 't know how I 'm going to go … by 3pm , I 'm so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner , how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be " on " for his family ? For hours … We didn 't go out on his birthday because I couldn 't get up the energy . We didn 't go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn 't have the energy to leave the house . I don 't know what to do now . I don 't know what path to take . I don 't know how to do anything right now . |
Milo is trouble . He lives it , breathes it . He embraces anything that numbs and takes his mind somewhere else , a world where his mother is herself and not just a shell , and his brother didn 't almost kill her , severing any relationship they had . But more importantly , Milo drowns out the guilt for leaving his mother and not being able to forgive his brother . He drowns his pride and moves on to another girl and another party , pretending that life isn 't moving on around him and he 's stuck in the same place . He 's stuck in the past and doesn 't know how to let go . She 's done the party scene and has had her fair share of close calls and handcuffs . Not the kinky kind . She 's so over it all and fought like hell for that life to let go so she could move on . She now works as a teen counselor . Her life is better , but her life is empty . She has no one but her brother in the whole world left and he 's sick with a disease that no medicine can cure . When they meet , a romance that scares them both emerges , but the love you fight for is the love that can mend bridges , heal scars , and open closed hearts . They 'll need each other , they 'll want each other , they 'll have each other . But will it all come too late ? Okay so let me start by saying that I miss reading books by Shelly Crane ! She knows how to write like no one business and she never ever ceases to amaze me by her writing . I love to get lost in her worlds that no matter what I am doing when her books come out I stop what I am doing to read it . In Wide Open I have to say that I laughed , cried , and then smiled as I read the ending . In Wide open we get to meet Milo and Maya . What an introduction we got of these two . I mean want to talk about broken and battered and living life day to day and never really feeling alive . Can you imagine your brother trying to kill your mother and living with the guilt everyday . You are lost and your not sure what to do so you in the pain and the guilt and hope that tomorrow will bring something different . Can you imagine living the party life and never caring about anything but your next party ? You shut everything out and live off of the adrenaline that comes with partying and the numbness it brings . Shelly thank you for giving us another great story that guts me and puts me back together . Addiction is one thing that is hard to kick but with love and support anyone can do it . I love Milo but you know my heart belongs to Kyle Jacobson ! Love ya girl and I can 't wait for your next book . My mouth tasted like vomit . That wasn 't unusual . The arm creeping over my middle wasn 't unusual either nor the way I felt completely repulsed and sick . I worked so hard , drinking , doing any drug that I could get my hands on , sleeping with any girl that looked in my direction and didn 't slap me for my foul mouth as I told her all the things I wanted to do to her . Slurred , really . I knew it wouldn 't be long until Mason was there to pick me up . The small get - togethers , he wouldn 't get wind of , but the big ones , he always came and tried to save me . It had been about a month since I 'd seen him . He just didn 't get it . I didn 't want to be saved . At least , not at first . I hated him . I hated him with every fiber of my being for what he did to Mom . I couldn 't stand to look at him let alone live with the bastard . So I started going out all the time just to get away from him , only seeing Mom during the day when I skipped school and Mason was at work . But she never remembered me the right way , so it was pointless to keep seeing her . I just tortured myself by staying there and I wouldn 't feel guilty for leaving . Finally , I spent so much time away that it felt like I didn 't live there anyway and stopped going home . Mason texted me so much that I eventually just tossed my cell out of the window of my friend 's car one night . They laughed and laughed , whooping and telling me how free I was . We smoked enough dope to chill for the next day and a half . I never went back to school after that . I never went back home either . Why would I ? No one understood me , no one really cared about me . They all just wanted me to ' make something of myself ' . But how can you do that when you don 't even know the parts that make you up , the parts that make you you , the parts that piece together and make you feel whole . I hadn 't felt whole in a really long time . I felt older than I was . I may be a seventeen year old , but inside I felt like I was fifty . The girl next to me groaned and dug her nails into my side just a little . " What time is it ? " her raspy voice breathed against my shoulder . I leaned over the side of the bed and lifted my phone from my pants pocket . My new cell was dead . " Don 't know . Does it matter ? " " I have to work tomorrow . " She yawned and stretched . I started to get up , but she grabbed my arm . I winced at the burn on the inside of my elbow . I looked down at it , seeing the bruising from the needles under her finger tips . " I 'm outta here . " I shook her hand off . " Wait . Why so eager to get away ? " She rolled over on her stomach , her naked behind peeking out from the sheet , her feet swinging back and forth in the air . " You weren 't so eager to leave earlier . " " Sometimes they are . Sometimes it just doesn 't matter . " She watched as I zipped my jeans , commando . " I 'll cook you breakfast , " she bribed . I paused . I couldn 't even remember the last time I 'd eaten . I was so thin that I had to belt my pants to keep them up . I always crashed wherever I was or with a friend , ate whatever came my way , but sometimes it didn 't come very often . For all intents and purposes , I was homeless , but had yet to sleep outside . At her mention of food , my stomach decided to throw a fit . " What do you want for it ? " " Split it with me , " she said , biting her lip and sitting to let the sheet fall away . I stared at her chest since she was offering the view . She slithered up to me , unzipping my pants as she pressed her lips to my ear and said , " Come back to bed for a while , we 'll hit the blow , and after , I 'll make you some eggs . " I watched as she took the baggie from me with her fake nails . She leaned forward and kissed my cheek before dipping her pinkie nail in and sniffing the little she took up her nose . She put her finger back in the bag and I took it , rubbing what was left of the powder on my gums . Normally , I would have bolted , but I didn 't have anywhere else to go anyway . The promise of food was almost as satisfying as the sex I was about to have . She set up the lines and after we did them , one after the other , she pushed me down on the bed and straddled me . I rolled with the drugged ecstasy that crawled slowly through my veins as she groaned and moaned on top of me . And that was how Mason found me . The door opened and my head fuzzed over as I turned to look at him . His eyes locked on mine before he turned away , but not before I saw the disgust on his face . I gripped the girls hips to make her stop since someone coming into the room wasn 't a clear enough cue for her . I pushed her off onto the bed and sat up , scooting to the edge . " You do , Milo , " he said before turning . He looked and he saw all there was left of me . I suddenly felt like I was wide open for him to see it all , for him to see all the rot and gore inside me . He shook his head , his eyes searching my face . " God , help me . You do need me . " " Milo … when 's the last time you ate something ? " He rubbed his hair . I noticed how good he looked . He looked like he 'd gained some weight , the good kind . His arms and torso were bigger , new tattoos peeking out from his shirt sleeves . I realized it had been weeks since I 'd seen him . I stood and yanked my jeans on , spitting my words , hating how good he looked , knowing that he was happy with that girl that I 'd seen before . " None of your fu - " " Milo ! " he scolded , just as a hand crawled around his arm . The girl - his girl - looked around him , the sympathy pouring off her in droves as she looked at me . He touched her arm , his fingers caressing , smoothing . He looked back at me . " Don 't use that filthy mouth with Emma here . " She gulped as she looked at me . Her eyes lingered on my stomach before she looked up at my face . She smiled , just barely . " I 've got some hot coffee in the car if you like mocha , " she offered . He looked at her again as she came to his side . They barely fit in the doorframe together . He circled her waist with his arm , looking strung out and guilty . It angered me that he felt like he deserved her or anything else that would make him happy . " Trying to lure me out with hot coffee , " I mused angrily . " Wow , Mason . Getting the girl to do your dirty work for you . " " It 's my coffee , " she smoothed over , " but you 're welcome to it . I haven 't drank any yet . " She rubbed his chest and he sighed . He looked at me again , renewed determination in his eyes . " Let us take you to get some food at least . Anything you want . " " No . " I searched for my shirt and tugged it on roughly . I realized it was inside - out too late , but left it . I didn 't care . " Come on , Milo . You can still hate me , but do it while you 're eating something . " I gave him a droll look . " Milo … you look like hell , bro . " He begged me . He had never begged before , just ordered me around , dragging me to my room , and then I 'd sneak out before he woke up . He 'd never tried to feed me before . " Come with us , Milo , " his girl asked . " There 's an omelet place five minutes from here that 's pretty amazing . " She smiled and tilted her head . I sighed , sticking my dirty - socked feet inside my boots without tying them . " Whatever . I eat , then I 'm out . " I looked over at them and glared . " Don 't try to stop me from leaving . " " We won 't , " she insisted . She rubbed Mason 's arm and looked up at him sadly . She looked as if she were about to cry . I had no idea why . It couldn 't be for me . I didn 't even know this chick . I lead the way from the room . The girl I 'd left on the bed yelled something at us . I could tell she was mad , not understanding what was going on , but I just kept walking . I was pissed , really , because she had gotten my last hit and I hadn 't gotten off before Mason interrupted us . Mason 's car wasn 't parked on the street . I looked for it , but blondie passed me and went to a big truck in the driveway . He got a new truck ? How the heck did he have money for that ? I didn 't say a word as I climbed into the backseat . She handed me the coffee and I snatched it from her hands , tossing the lid off , and gulping it down . It burned my tongue and lips , but my fogged brain was past the point of caring or stopping . As I finished it , I watched as she scooted all the way over to press against his side . They whispered things back and forth that I couldn 't hear . The drive was short . Blondie had been right about that . We piled into a booth in the back , them on one side and me on the other , and I didn 't even pick up the menu . It pissed me off just smelling the food . My stomach growled so loud and hard it hurt . I was cold and rubbed my neck . When the waitress came , I ordered a root beer and a western omelet with cheese and hashbrowns . Mason ordered the same and the girl got waffles . Before an awkward silence could settle in , she started talking . " I 'm Emma , by the way . " She smiled . I stared at their intertwined hands on the tabletop . Mason had never had a girlfriend before , really . He wasn 't the touchy - feely type either . I was oddly fascinated at the way his thumb ran over her knuckles , over and over . " Hi , Emma , " I spouted sarcastically and let my gaze settle on her face instead . She was one of those girls who was gorgeous by design and didn 't even have to try . Her eyes , her nose , her cheeks . They all seemed to fit so perfectly . Her lips - they were Mason 's favorite thing , other than her legs , which I knew were his absolute favorite . He 'd always been a legs man . And she had some nice twigs on her , from what I 'd seen . I settled my eyes lower on the barely - there sliver of cleavage that peeked from her top . It was the first time I 'd seen a girl blush in what felt like years . The girls I kept company with didn 't blush . They were beyond that point , beyond the level that allowed them to feel embarrassed about sexual things . They 'd done it all . This girl … I shook my head and smirked at Mason . " Not sampled the goods yet , brother ? She 's mighty skittish . " " Shut your face , Milo , " he stood and growled . I was actually taken aback a little . This was as worked up as I 'd ever seen him . And over a girl of all things ? Holy crap . He was in love with this chick . I felt my hatred soften a little before snapping it back in place . I rubbed my neck again on that itchy , cold spot . " Whoa , Nelly , " I joked . " Calm the eff down . It was just an observation . " I laughed . It sounded strange even to my ears . It sounded like a sick person 's laugh . I glanced at Emma and actually felt a little bad at the embarrassed way she tucked her hair behind her ears . I squinted . Was there a story there that I didn 't know ? I didn 't respond to the beauty queen . I just pointlessly stirred my root beer . She was beautiful to the point of distraction , sweet and annoying all wrapped up in one , and I could tell that she had my brother wrapped around her finger whether she knew it or not . And it pissed me off . Mason shouldn 't be so freaking happy . And he was , I could tell . He watched her when she wasn 't looking . His entire presence shifted when she did . The waitress brought our food soon thankfully , and just as I was taking a bite , I saw the ring on Emma 's finger . Emma pulled her hands off the table into her lap , as if unsure if I was supposed to know that . Mason lifted his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close , kissing her temple . It shocked the hell out of me how much I wanted to be happy for him . " She has a nurse that comes and helps take care of her . I work with her every day on her exercises , but she still can 't walk . She and Emma get along great , too . Emma was one of my patients and lost her memory as well . " I jerked my gaze up to the beauty queen . She was watching me with parted lips , her eyes practically begging me to give in to Mason and stop the feud . I wondered if she knew what Mason had done , how Mason had - Mason leaned forward and glared as he barked , " Don 't look at her like that . And yes , I told her all about me . How I 'm the devil that destroyed your life and Mamma 's . How I killed my best friend . " She gripped his arm , tugging on it and pleading with him to stop . " She knows it all . " They stared at each other and I believed him that they had talked about it . It looked like they had talked about it plenty , in fact , but I could also tell that she kissed his boo - boos and made him think that it was all OK . But it wasn 't . " You couldn 't make me , " I spat . I stood and leaned right in his face with my palms on the table . " Always trying to run my life . Good ol ' Mason . " I saw him flinch slightly at that . He stood , too , licking his lips angrily in an attempt to calm himself . " I hate you so much . You killed our mother . " " Our mother is alive , " he replied loudly . People in the restaurant were now privy to our conversation , but I went even louder . " What she is isn 't alive ! When she doesn 't even remember me ? " " Not remembering you at all , " Emma said , barely . She looked up , her eyes dark . " When I woke up from my coma , I didn 't remember anyone . Not my parents , or my friends , even the guy I had been dating . I still don 't . " Mason sighed as if all of this was exhausting . " It could be worse , Milo . She could not remember you at all . " " Doesn 't matter , " I steamed ahead , unwilling to let them deter me . " The fact is that you ruined my mom . It 's pointless to even go see her because she won 't remember that I 've been there . " I turned to go , scratching my cold neck and feeling the rawness of my skin begin to set in . He grabbed my arm and before I knew it , I was looking at Mason holding his jaw as he leaned back against the table . Emma fussed over the blood coming from his lip with insistent ministrations with a napkin . I hadn 't even realized I hit him until my hand started to ache . The entire diner was watching us with these looks of disgust on their faces . Well , they were watching me . I shook out my fingers , wincing but not regretting it . I turned to go once more and heard Mason from behind me . " I love you , bro . " That stopped me in my tracks . I didn 't turn around . " I love you and I know that you won 't ever forgive me . It took me a long time to forgive me , too . I would still hate me if Emma hadn 't come along and showed me that I couldn 't blame myself forever . It was an accident , nothing but . I not only lost my best friend that day because he wouldn 't listen to me and drove anyway , and my mom , the way she was , but I lost you , too . I take care of Mom ; I became a physical therapist to take care of her . But you , I don 't know what to do for you , Milo . I don 't know how to help you . If you ever need anything or want to come home , the door 's always wide open . Always . I love you , even if you can 't love me back . " I hated the fact that he made me want to turn around , to make - up and forget everything that happened . I hated him . I hated all he 'd done . I hated how he tried to reconcile every time I saw him . And I hated that he was getting this great , perfect little life with a wife and kids . I didn 't look back again as I weaved through the tables on my way out . He yelled my name and something about giving me some money . I should have taken it and would have had it been anyone else . But I didn 't want his money . I walked for a long time to a friend 's apartment over the Irish Mug bar . Not only would he let me crash , but more than likely he had some smoke he 'd front me . After Mason 's little haphazard intervention , I needed it . I crossed the street to the bar and heard the honking before seeing the bright lights . I raised my hand and saw the car screeching to a stop right in front of me . He cursed and honked . I flipped him off and kept walking across the road . I heard him peel away as I climbed the stairs on the side of the building for his apartment . The bar was hopping , the music was so loud I couldn 't even hear my footsteps up the stairs . I knocked , but knew he couldn 't hear me , so I tried the handle . When it turned , I pushed it open . He had called me a few times , but I never checked my messages . My phone was just a drug ferry basically . I never used it except for making a drug buy or find a friend 's how to stay at because minutes cost too much for someone who never had money . I had odd jobs sometimes , but after you don 't show up on time for a few days in a row , they can you . That was the only way I could buy minutes and buy weed on a regular basis . But usually , I floated until my next paycheck , whenever that may be , and some friends would front me some things if I didn 't have the money . But I was a little behind right now and owed a few people . OK , a lot of people , and a lot of money . Even my friend I was going to see had threatened to cut me off if I didn 't pay him something . I usually just avoided the ones I owed money to . I " Milo ! What the hell , man ? " " Sorry , uh … " I peeked back , but it was still too soon and turned back around . " I wanted to see if I could crash here . " " Damn it , Milo … " He kissed her , I heard the smacking , and told her he 'd see her later , that he needed to take care of something . She walked by me and gave me a sullen look for ruining her night . I turned to find him pulling a black wife - beater on . " Dude , you can 't just come in like that . " He sighed . " There 's nothing wrong with getting lit on the weekends and making a living off of selling , but you . . . you 're not just having fun anymore . You 're hooked . You 're hooked , messing with deals you shouldn 't , and people are looking for you . " He took a step forward , but looked at me sadly . " I tried to help you . I knew you had it rough at home , but … you can 't stay here , man . Go . " " I can 't . " He gulped and leaned against the kitchen bar . " Mikey 's looking for you . And … so is Roz . Go . Now . " The curses piled in my head . I knew I owed him money , but for him to start actively looking for me wasn 't good for my health . But I needed a place to stay and I needed … something , anything to make me stop shaking and scratching . It felt like ants were in my veins and he needed to give me something . " Fine , " I bit out . " Just … float me a J . " " You already owe me for ten joints , not to mention all the blow and nuggets I fronted you . " He looked around , nervous as all get out . My brain was in a fog . I didn 't care if I slept on a bench outside . My friends usually came through for me , but lately they seemed less eager to let me stay . So fine , he could throw me out as long as he gave me something to tie me over . " I 'm good for it . My brother said he 'd give me some money until I get back on my feet . I 've got a job lined up starting next week , " I lied . " It 's just … been bad lately . I 'm under so much stress . " " Classic druggie line , " he scoffed . " Get out , Milo . The longer you stay here , the worst you 're making it for me . " We heard a car door outside and he sucked in a breath . " Go , man , now ! " I went to the window and peeked past the dingy blue curtain that the previous tenant had left and saw one of the guys who always set up my buys from Roz . I shook my head , backing away , and looked at him to help me . " Go out the back . And don 't say I never did anything for you , " he growled and went to the front door . " Go ! " He didn 't wait for anything else . His fist connected to my jaw and I heard the crunch , knowing it was hurt tomorrow , as I went down . He followed me and gripped my collar in his fist before slamming my cheek with his free fist . He beat on me for so long and hard all over that I blacked out . I came out of it a couple times , but it was so blurry and the haze of pain was thick . I could never grasp onto reality . No time passed at all for me . I closed my eyes and the next time I opened them , I was in a hospital bed . No one was there with me . It was a regular room , not the ER . I lifted my head to survey the damage and immediately regretted that hasty decision . My head hurt so badly , I thought I might black out again . I pushed with my elbows and made myself sit up . I touched my head to find a bandage , my eye was swollen , my lips all busted up , and my jaw was so sore , it hurt to even touch it , let alone try to open my mouth . I remembered being brought there , the cops , they asked questions … Right then , that was the only thing that truly mattered . I had rolled over on Roz . I owed so much money to so many people , but none of that mattered compared to the fact that I told the cops Roz 's operating spots and their names and everything . He was going to kill me . I had no idea how long I 'd been in the hospital and the lack of drugs made me way more lucid than the drug - induced stages I usually resided in . There wasn 't any morphine in that drip because I hurt all over so badly , I thought I might vomit . The fact that they hadn 't given me any morphine made me realize that they knew I was a … drug addict . There , OK , yes , if I didn 't get drugs every day , I felt like I 'd crawl out of my own skin . So , yes , I was addicted . And they knew it because they hadn 't given me anything to help with the pain . And I knew I was in deep . It hit me all at once as I yanked the needle out of my arm how bad things had gotten . I 'd ran myself into the ground . It had been way too long since I hadn 't had anything in my system and my hands shook as I eased off the bed onto the floor . I tried to yank the hospital band off , but I was too weak . The name on the band read John Doe . So they didn 't know who I was . I pulled on my jeans from the back under the bed . My body ached so bad all over , but I knew I had to get out of there . Once all my clothes were on , I peeked out the blinds to see an officer standing by my room . I cursed under my breath . That was probably the only reason the Roz hadn 't come after me . But the cops wanted me for something , and I could guess it was for me to roll over on Roz . They didn 't just guard anybody ; only the people who they wanted something from . I pushed the food cart to slam into the bed and then jumped behind the door . When he opened it , like I knew he would , I waited until he came into the room . He cursed and moved forward , bending to look under the bed . I scooted behind him around the door and acted as normal as I could as I walked down the hall . I heard him on his radio as he said that the suspect was missing . Then he argued with them that he 'd been by the door the whole time . I turned into the first stairwell I saw and took them as quickly as I could . I heard them coming from the lower floor and stopped . I could hear the crackle of a radio , so I jumped through the door with a peeling number four on it . It led to an alcove in the hall and I waited for them to go up as they passed . When it was quiet , I opened the door slowly and crept my way down the stairs , out of the hospital , and into the street . I didn 't know where I was going , but I knew I had to get away . It was then that I knew I 'd never see Mason or my mother again . I sat and looked at the envelope . It had the results of my GED exam . Finally , I was going to have a piece of paper that told me I had finished high school instead of just dropping out and being a runaway . I flipped it over and over in my fingers . It wasn 't like this was an application into Harvard or anything . It was a GED , but it was my GED . It was all I had . " If you don 't open that already , I 'm going to stab you with my fork . " Joey had been my friend for a long time now . It felt like forever , but had actually only been a little shy of two years . Joey worked at the shelter that I crawled into a few nights after I left the hospital . I hitchhiked for two days , sometimes with a ride , sometimes walking or sitting on the side of the road . I was starving , so weak I could barely walk , dehydrated except for a bottle of water a trucker gave me . They pulled me into the shelter at the church in some town . Joey was the one who made sure I got a bed in the shelter that night and for the next two months while I tried to straighten myself out . There were many bumps in the road . I still wasn 't sure exactly how many days the hospital had kept me , because I hadn 't know even what day it was when I went in , but the detox had begun then . I struggled with it , but had already gotten through some of the hard part . They made it clear that drugs would not be allowed in the shelter and anyone on drugs after the rules had been explained would be removed . To be completely honest , I fell hard off that wagon once or twice . I couldn 't believe how hard it was . That first pill or sip or hit after days and days of not having anything was like pure ecstasy , my body betraying me and making me believe it was what I needed and wanted . But Joey came and got me from wherever I was , yelled and told me how I needed to get straight , snuck me back into the shelter and made me promise never to do it again . Finally , that promise stuck . It 's been over a year since that wagon had caused any problems for me . Shelly is a New York Times & USA Today bestselling author from a small town in Georgia and loves everything about the south . She is wife to a fantastical husband and stay at home mom to two boisterous and mischievous boys who keep her on her toes . They currently reside in scorching North Florida . She loves to spend time with her family , binge on candy corn , go out to eat at new restaurants , buy paperbacks at little bookstores , sight - see in the new areas they travel to , listen to music everywhere and also LOVES to read . Donations are reviewed , but I am already involved in a ton of my own charities . Book blogs requesting review copies , please do so through my email letting me know your blog website along with which book you 're requesting . Just like the donations , I already have a lot of reviewers on my list , but each request is reviewed . You can also reach me on these social sites . I also am in constant connection with them and promise to get back to you asap . Leave me a message there or post on my wall ! I love to hear from you ! I love to read and write . I started blogging after several friends told me I would be good at it and I should share my passion for reading with others . I am so excited to have two blogs today . I have a YA Blog named A Diary Of A book Addict http : / / adiaryofabookaddict . blogspot . com / and I have a New Adult Blog called Kaidans Seduction http : / / kaidansseduction . blogspot . com / |
This story is about a guy who has the ability to stop time . If you don 't like the concept , don 't read it . I suggest you read prior parts before reading this . For those of you that read and enjoy this , I 'm not sure where the story is going . If you have ideas about where the story should go or things that should happen , send me a message ( I read comments , but I don 't take them too seriously , I find PMs to be a better form of communication ) . Day 3 - Friday Warren was fucking Ms . Burkhart . It was in her empty classroom , her hands were on the board , he was thrusting into her from behind , both were moaning in pleasure . Then it all disappeared as Warren 's alarm went off . Warren slammed his fist into the side of his bed , pissed that his dream had been cut off mid - fuck . But only a moment after that , Warren smiled , thinking about how he could make that dream actually happen in a couple hours . Still smiling , he sat up , turned off his alarm and headed for the shower . He was just walking into the bathroom when his sister leaned out of her room and started to yell at him . " Don 't jerk - " Julie cut herself off as Warren turned to look at her . He watched as she flushed a dark red . She was only there for a moment though , as she quickly turned back into her room , yelling behind her , " Just hurry up ! " Warren stood in the doorway of the bathroom for a bit smiling . He wasn 't positive what had just gone through his sister 's mind to cut her off , but he was pretty sure it had something to do with the ' dream ' he had given her the night before . He had only intended the dream as revenge , but if it had the effect of getting her unable to look at him , he wasn 't going to complain . Getting into the shower , Warren 's hand out of habit went straight to his hard dick . He stroked it a few times , remembering his dream about Ms . Burkhart . However , as he started remembering his dream , he also remembered he could actually make this a reality . He decided to hold off on jerking off for the day , instead saving up for when he saw Ms . Burkhart . Though he didn 't rush through the rest of his shower , Warren still finished much earlier than he usually did . In fact , it was the first time in ages he could remember walking out of the bathroom without having his sister outside waiting to come in . He wondered is his shower really was that much quicker , or if his sister just didn 't want to see him , but he didn 't wait around to find out . After getting dressed , Warren went down to the kitchen . His mom was sitting at the edge of the kitchen table just finishing her breakfast . She gave him her normal smile as she walked in the room . Apparently she had gotten over whatever she thought happened the night before . " How are you this morning , Warren ? " " Fine , " he responded simply enough . He gave her a brief smile , but kept walking by to grab a bowl of cereal . " You work everything out with your sister last night ? " Warren had turned towards her just as she said this , and he cringed in anger at the thought , and felt a sharp pain in his forehead . Things didn 't get figured out because of Julie , she hadn 't helped out in anyway . In fact , she was the one that had caused the problem in the first place by complaining about Warren 's friends . Warren looked up to see his mother , finished eating , staring at him , not moving . Angry at her for again defending his sister , he decided to shut her up the same we he had the night before . He quickly stripped off his clothes , hid them behind the counter , and restarted time , then quickly stopped it again . He then put his clothes back on and started time up again . " I don 't know , she seems to go out of her way to cause trouble for me , " he said , responding to the statement his mom made before he froze time . He watched as his mom stared at him for a couple moments , her eyes again going wide as she quickly looked up and down his now clothed body . In a voice that was barely there , she replied , " Maybe you 're right . " She sat in the chair for several seconds just looking at Warren . Then she suddenly jerked her head away . Getting up from her seat , she said , " I 've got to get to work early today , do you mind doing my dishes for me ? " Warren chuckled to himself as he replied , " Yeah , no problem mom . " His mother simply said , " Thanks , " and left the room . He heard the door open and close soon after . Warren then enjoyed his breakfast , knowing now he could shut his mother up whenever he wanted simply by making her think she was envisioning her son naked . Getting on the bus later that morning , a leg darted out into the aisle to trip Warren . Having thought this out waiting for the bus , Warren purposefully tripped over the leg , freezing time as he did so . After freezing time , he backed up a bit , and then kicked the leg in the aisle as hard as he could . The leg actually got pushed back quite a bit , and Warren had to pull it back to where it had been , then he got back in the position to trip over it . Then he started up time again . " Fucking shit ! " The leg shot back into the seat as the guy that had stuck it out pulled it into his body and rubbed it . At the same time , Warren fell forward a couple steps as if he had tripped but caught his footing . " Hey , watch the language ! " The guy in the seat ignored the bus driver , rubbing his leg , his face clearly in pain . Warren walked back to the guy . " Sorry , " he began sincerely , " I didn 't see your leg there . " He stood there for a second looking at the guy whose leg he had just kicked . It was a rather large eleventh grader . He was probably about six foot two and also big due to a combination of fat and muscle . And yet here he was in pain rubbing his leg because of Warren , who tried to keep his laughter in his head . The guy just glared back at Warren , who turned around , smiling , and went looking for a seat . Finding none empty , he again sat down next to Margaret . Margaret turned to him , and in her lispy voice whispered , " Don 't feel bad , that guy tries to trip me every morning too . " A look of confusion went over Warren 's face as he responded , " Yeah . " The confusion was because as Margaret had turned to him , in her excitement , she had pulled the books on her lap into her . But it actually looked like she pulled them unnaturally deep into her stomach . Seeing , and misinterpreting , the look on Warren 's face , Margaret frowned a bit and turned her body back to face the seat , turning her head to look out the window . While looking away , Margaret replied , " That 's so cool . " Warren continued looking at Margaret for a bit , then turned to sit normally . His mind kept replaying Margaret pulling her books seemingly into her stomach . After a couple minutes , he couldn 't take it anymore and simply stopped time . Warren stood up and looked over towards Margaret . But the view out the window caught his eye . The bus had probably been going at least 55 mph when he had stopped time , and being on a highway , there were several other cars that were probably going even faster . Only now they were all stopped . There was a car just a little behind him out his window that looked like it was parked on the highway , but the driver still looked like he was driving , as he obviously just had been . Interested , Warren walked to the back of the bus and looked out . As far as he could see on the highway , there were cars , simply stopped on the highway . It didn 't look like a traffic jam , as the cars weren 't as close as they would be in that situation . It simply looked like a bunch of cars had parked on the road . " Cool , " Warren said aloud , enjoying the view . But after wandering around and looking out some more windows , Warren went back to his seat to return to the original reason he had stopped time . Looking at Margaret , he picked up her books on her lap and placed them where he had been sitting . He then took a long hard look at Margaret 's body . She was wearing her usual white button - down shirt and plaid skirt . As usual , he could see the outline of her bra through her shirt , with her boobs seemingly overflowing her cups . Below her chest , her shirt pulled in an inch or two and went down to her lap . He had always assumed that her shirt and been pretty much pressed against her stomach , just a little loose , which made her look overweight . But when he had seen her shirt bend in as she had pulled her books into her , the first time he had ever seen her do that , they pulled her shirt in much farther . Warren reached his hand out and pressed a couple fingers into Margaret 's stomach . Sure enough , his fingers sunk in about threHis curiosity getting the better of him , Warren unbuttoned Margaret 's entire shirt and pulled the sides apart . " Holy shit , " he exclaimed , as he pulled her shirt open . Margaret was not overweight . She had a wide frame , that was definitely true . But her stomach was almost flat . He could even make out the bottom of her ribcage beneath her bra . What shocked Warren the most about the girl 's stomach though , was that with it being so flat it made her chest look even larger . Her chest extended at least four inches out from the rest of her body , and that was with a bra that was obviously too small as her boobs were indeed overflowing the top of her very generic - looking white bra . Unable to resist , he put his hands over her boobs , quickly discovering that each boob was well more than a handful . Once again , Warren 's curiosity drove him further . Carefully , he pulled Margaret 's body forward so he could reach behind her . Pulling her shirt out so he could look down inside of it , he tried to find the tag on Margaret 's bra . After some effort , he found it , but couldn 't read it from where he was . So he tried to unhook her bra . This took some time , as it was the first bra he had ever unhooked . Even with Sandy the day before , he had just pulled her bra up , not unhooked it . After a lot of effort , he finally got it . He pulled the side with the tag up her back . 40DD ! 40DD and it still wasn 't big enough for her ! Carefully , Warren pushed Margaret 's upper body back against the bus seat and pulled the front of her bra up over her chest . Then he just stared . Margaret 's face may have not been much too look at - her big frizzy blond hair unable to hide her big ears , the freckles covering her face unable to hide her crooked nose , and oversized braces or some other kind of dental gear Warren didn 't know about that covered the insides of the girl 's mouth . But going down her body , it got a lot better . Her freckles went down her neck , faded over her shoulders , and finally disappeared down the top of her enormous boobs . Her boobs were still heDiane simply nodded to the teacher as she got up . While she did , Warren briefly saw the inside of the hand she had been coughing into . While there was some phlegm in it , he clearly saw his own cum mixed with it . As Diane continued to cough while walking out of the room , Warren wondered if she would recognize that it was cum she was coughing up , and if she did , how she would justify it . Nearly five minutes later , Diane finally came back . She looked perfectly normal . After sitting down , the girl on the other side of her asked if she was okay and what happened . " I must have just swallowed my spit while yawning , " was Diane 's response . Warren just smiled as the class continued . Nothing else exciting happened until just before lunch . Warren was putting his book bag away as usual when Sarah , Val , and Tammy walked by . Warren laughed out loud at the fact that they were all wearing pants after the fiasco the day before . He even felt so confident as to wolf - whistle at them again . The three girls glared at him as a few other whistles shot off down the hall . Nothing compared to the day before , but still something . The girls just continued to walk by . Soon after they walked by , Warren felt a hand slap his back as he heard Jake say , " Man , where are their skirts today ? " Warren laughed as the two started up a conversation on the way to lunch . During the conversation , Jake said Warren could bring any of his friends and he would get them all laid , laughing . Warren laughed too , not knowing whether Jake was serious or not . Just before they went their separate ways , Warren got directions to Jake 's house . Bob immediately asked if Warren had asked Jake if they were invited to the party too . Warren relayed what he had just been told , leaving out the part about Jake getting them all laid , not wanting to get their hopes up . While Bob was excited , him and Warren had to talk both Frank and Pat into coming too . They finally said they would , while they clearly weren 't too excited about it . Shortly after their conversation had turned back to video games , someone tripped over the back of Bob 's chair which had been stuck out a bit . Bob 's chair was kicked hard enough to spin him halfway around . All the guys at the table turned as they saw Alasia , a black girl from their grade , turning around after catching her feet . " Sor - , " Bob started , but was interrupted before he got any farther . " Pull your chair in you fat nerd ! " Before he knew what he was doing , Warren cringed in anger , feeling the sting inside his forehead . He didn 't realize what he had done until he looked up and saw no one moving and heard the suddenly deafening silence compared to the usual cafeteria racket . While he had obviously stopped time accidentally , Warren was beginning to wonder whether it was just his angry cringe that set it off , or if his subconscious reaction when someone makes him mad is to immediately stop time . He brushed that thought off though as he tried to figure out what to do to Alasia for picking on Bob . As thoughts ran through his mind , he realized there wasn 't much he could do . Maybe move her feet a little so she fell over on her own and he could then blame her for not watching where she was going . But as she was still standing facing Bob 's chair that was turned slightly towards her , that wouldn 't reallyWarren sat for awhile , trying to decide whether he was willing to strip his friend to shut up the girl that had just yelled at him . He didn 't really want to strip his friend , but he did want to see Alasia 's response , so he decided to do it . Getting up , Warren walked over to Bob . He pulled his shirt up , revealing Bob 's gut . He wasn 't a very fat guy , but he definitely was overweight , and there was no denying the flab on his gut . Seeing it , Warren decided maybe he didn 't need to pull Bob 's shirt off . He stood up and took a deep breath before deciding to follow through with the next part . Finally , he bent down and unhooked Bob 's belt , and unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans . That made it time for the hard part - both mentally and physically . Warren wasn 't looking forward to lifting his friend up to get his pants down , and he also wasn 't looking forward to seeing his friend 's junk . Deciding to do it though , he leaned forward to pull his friend up . However , he was surprised to find Bob much lighter than he had expected , just like with Ms . Burkhart that morning . People really did weigh less with no time , though he wasn 't sure why . Having done that , Warren turned his head away and pulled Bob 's pants and boxers to his ankles and sat him back down . As he stood up , Warren 's eyes couldn 't help but catch Bob 's dick . And then , continuing to look , he laughed . Bob was huge ! His limp dick was at least five inches long , and nearly as thick as Warren 's dick was hard . Deciding to change his tactic a little , Warren pulled Bob 's shirt back down to just above his dick . Then he moved to Alasia and twisted her head down until it was staring right at Bob 's dick . Then he went back to his seat and started time only for a moment before stopping it again . Warren quickly pulled his friend 's pants back up , buckling , buttoning , and zipping them , then went back to his seat and started time again . " I 'm so sorry , " Bob said , apparently not noticing what had happened to him , or if he did , just not showing anything . Alasia said nothing . She stood Bob simply muttered out , " Damn she 's hot . " This took Warren by surprise a bit . He didn 't think she was that hot , but apparently Bob did . Then again , Bob obviously has different tastes . Yes , Alasia had a big chest . Not as big as Margaret , but big . But she also had a big butt which Warren didn 't find very attractive . It stuck out easily two inches from her legs and back . She probably had a little more weight than most , but was by no means fat , so that wasn 't an issue . But she also had a rather large nose and dreadlocks , neither of which particularly turned Warren on . After the few seconds it took for these thoughts to run through Warren 's head , he finally responded to Bob 's comment , saying , " It looked to me like she couldn 't keep her eyes off your crotch . Maybe she wonders what you 're packing down there ! " Everyone stated laughing at that comment , which essentially ended that conversation . However , throughout the remainder of lunch , Warren noticed that not only did Bob keep looking over his shoulder at Alasia , but she seemed to be taking occasional glances over at him . When the bell rang for the end of lunch , Alasia 's table had gotten up quickly and were walking towards the exit , which took them right past Warren 's table . Warren , Frank , Pat , and Bob took their time getting up . As Bob got up to push his chair in , he turned around as Alasia was just a few feet from him . Warren quickly stopped time , pulled Bob 's pants down just below his crotch , and again twisted Alasia 's head to look down at it . He then quickly got back to where he had been , started time , stopped time , pulled Bob 's pants back up , went back to his spot , and started time again . Bob continued pushing his chair in like nothing happened , but Alasia stopped short , causing the girl behind her to walk right into her and ask , " What the fuck Alasia ? " They continued talking after that , but were too far away to hear . The rest of the day went normally , with Warren stopping time only occasionally to flip up a skirt and pull aside panties to peak at a pussy . At the end of the day , Warren felt horny again . He decided to try and pull the same stunt he had the day before . After the last bell , he went to his locker , then to an empty stall in the guys ' bathroom and froze time . He walked over to the girls ' bathroom in hopes of finding someone he could fuck . Again , there were several girls by the mirrors , one of which he noticed was Alasia , and a friend of hers whose name he didn 't know standing next to her . He didn 't find any of the girls by the mirrors very interesting so he went to check the stalls . The first stall was empty . In the second stall was Nina again , her hand behind her and down below her ass , her head turned back and looking towards where her hand was , though there was no way she could see it . Warren could only guess that Nina was wiping her ass , and that she took a shit after school every day in the second stall . The third stall was empty , which led Warren to wonder if Nina 's shits smelt really bad since no one got the stalls next to her , though he wouldn 't be able to tell as all smells disappeared while time was stopped . The fourth stall had a girl with her pants and panties around her ankles , leaned forward as much as she could , apparently peeing with fury . The fifth stall had another girl peeing , this one with her legs slightly spread so he could see her frozen piss stream . The sixth stall was empty . The seventh stall had a girl Warren recognized as another black friend of Alasia 's that had a hand between her legs and apparently was wiping herself . Warren was about to leave disappointed , but as he was opening the door , the image of the girl in the last stall hit him again . Something about it didn 't seem right . He walked back and peaked over again . The girl 's head was twisted up a bit and had a look of relief on her face . That in itself wasn 't unusual , Warren felt his dick jump , having caught a girl masturbating in a school bathroom while other people were going to the bathroom . After Warren recovered from his laughing , he decided to explore further , as this was actually the first black pussy he had seen . Carefully , he pulled the girl 's fingers out of her vagina , and then pulled her arm up and out of the way . Then he just took in the image for awhile . The girl was totally shaved , and he found it interesting how the girl 's skin got darker , from a brown almost to a solid black , as it got closer to her slit . And then , sticking out between the slit , the girl 's inner lips were almost as dark as the girl 's outer lips . But between the inner lips , where the girl 's fingers had just been , Warren saw the brightest pink color he had ever seen in a pussy , at least it seemed that way compared to the darker skin around it . Suddenly , Warren knew he wanted to fuck this girl . He stood up and pulled his pants and boxers down and off , along with his shoes , though not his socks . He brought a hand down to rub his dick as he looked at the girl , trying to figure out how to fuck her . He couldn 't fuck her straight on between the legs like he did with Ms . Burkhart as the toilet was too low . He 'd have to be on his knees , and not only did he not want to do it like that , he wasn 't sure it would even work . He couldn 't bend her over like he did with Sandy the day before , as this girl wasn 't in a position like that . She was just sitting straight up on a toilet . Then he knew how to do it . Slipping behind the girl , Warren carefully lifted her up off the toilet seat , then he sat down on the toilet seat and pulled her down on his lap . He couldn 't fuck straight up into her , but he found that leaning back a bit , he could slide the girl diagonally onto his dick . From there it was effortless . He switched between humping up into her and pulling her up and down on his dick . Both felt equally good , the humping seeming more natural but pulling her taking less effort and a bit more erotic . Warren didn 't even realize he was close until he was shooting deep up into the girl . He thrust his hips up and pulled her down as far as he could onto him . Once he finished , Warren didn 't waste time . He pulled out of her , got out from beneath her , got his shoes , boxers and pants back on , and finally put the girl 's arm back down , putting her fingers back in her cunt . Smiling , Warren climbed over into the adjacent stall and headed back to the stall he had been in in the guys ' room . As soon as he started time , there was a loud thud against the wall . He wasn 't sure if he hadn 't sat the girl up right and she fell against the wall between the two bathrooms or if she had just thrown an arm out and hit it . He went out to wait and see . A few minutes later , the girl came out along with Alasia and her other friend . They were all talking and laughing , so he guessed nothing bad had happened , but still wondered what had caused the thud in the bathroom . He also wondered if Alasia and her other friend knew that the girl he had just fucked had just masturbated . There was no way for him to ever know . So he just headed out to catch his bus . Upon arriving home , Warren went to his living room and turned on the TV . After browsing through the channels and finding nothing , Warren just left it on VH1 and let music videos play as he laid down on the couch . Warren woke up to the sound of the front door closing . He saw his mom walk by , and seconds later heard the fridge open . The sound suddenly reminded him how hungry he wasShe turned to him , looking a little surprised , " Not bad , it was a pretty easy day . " She continued looking at him for a little bit before adding , " I 'd ask how your day was , but it obviously must 've been pretty good judging by your mood . " He could see the answer didn 't satisfy his mother , but she didn 't persist . Instead , she said , " Remember that I 'm going out tonight . Try to get along with your sister . " Warren stopped time . He wasn 't sure why . It 's not like his mom had really defended Julie or spoke down to him , but the comment just annoyed him . So he stripped off his clothes , jerked off until he had a hard on , started time , stopped time , put his clothes back on , and stopped time again . Responding to his mom 's statement , Warren replied , " Don 't worry mom , we 'll be fine . " He said this laughing inside , knowing he would have a fun night . While he was talking , his mom blinked a couple times , glancing down towards Warren 's crotch , then shook her head . It was a less dramatic reaction than prior instances , but it still had the same effect " Alright then . Thanks . I 'm going to go get ready . " She then turned and left , heading up to her bedroom . Warren laughed to himself , still glad he could end a conversation with her whenever he wanted to . He then poured himself a glass of milk , grabbed a handful of cookies , and went back to the living room . About half an hour later , Julie arrived home . She came in , went up to her room , then came back down to the living room and sat down in the recliner and joined in watching TV . Warren immediately knew something was up , but didn 't know what . Julie and him were never in the same room without arguing , even watching TV , she would normally argue until she got to watch what she wanted to watch , which was probably not music videos . But she sat there and watched music videos , not saying a word . Some time later their mom came down stairs . She went to the kitchen then stood in the doorway to the living room in a dress with her jacket and purse ready to go . " Alright , I left money on the counter so you two can order pizza . If you need me , you both have my cell number . I 'll be back tomorrow morning . " Both Julie and Warren said goodbye . Just before walking out the doorway , their mom added , " Please don 't tear the place apart . " " We won 't , " Warren and his sister said almost simultaneously . Their eyes briefly met as they looked at each other , but both quickly looked away . Less than a minute later , the front door closed as their mom left . Upon hearing the door close , Julie sat up and leaned forward . " So I have a guy coming over tonight . Please , please don 't be a dick to him . " She put extra emphasis on the second please . Warren couldn 't help but laugh in response . " I knew something was up the way you were acting . " Julie didn 't respond , she simply slammed her hand into the coffee table and got up to leave . " Whoa , whoa , chill , " Warren began , " I didn 't say I wouldn 't do it . Just remember that this time you owe me . " Julie simply smiled . " Thanks , " she said , in what came out as an obnoxious voice . And then she left . Warren sat and thought about what had just happened . He hadn 't expected anyone to be over tonight , he thought it would just be him and his sister and he would be able to find ways to piss her off by stopping time . He was guessing that was going to be a lot harder with someone else here . ' Oh well , ' he thought , shrugging his shoulders . He 'd still no doubt be able to do something . Getting over that , he was kind of pissed off at how Julie had approached this thing . She could have a guy over , but she didn 't want Warren to have any friends over ? Plus , she pretended to be nice , but she got her way in the end . And it was clear she expected to the way she said , " Thanks . " This all worked out the way she wanted . So far . Warren 's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the shower going on upstairs . He smiled , seeing his first opportunity to mess with his sister . He set off the sting inside his forehead and went upstairs . Warren walked into the bathroom and pulled aside the shower curtain . " What in the fuck ? " Warren just stared in confusion after his comment . The shower was going , although the water was currently frozen in place in the air . Julie was standing on the far end of the shower , still totally dry save her feet . She had her knees bent out slightly , and one hand was holding her pussy lips apart as a stream of bright yellow pee came out . This didn 't so much bother Warren . He had pissed in the shower many times , just as he had whacked off in there too . No , what had Warren totally confused was that her other hand had two fingers sticking out and into her stream of pee . Warren could see no reason for this . He had no idea what she was doing , or even what she possibly could be doing . His curiosity was overwhelming . Staying on the far end of the shower , Warren pulled the shower curtain closed , but held his face just inside looking at his sister 's naked back . Then he started time again . The water from the shower started hitting the bathtub and the stream of pee continued to come out of Julie 's cunt . But as he watched , she took the fingers she peed on and held them up to her face . Warren thought he knew what she was doing , but he had to be sure . He stopped time again . He pulled open the shower curtain . And sure enough , his sister was sucking the fingers she had just pissed on . Beyond that , she was sucking her fingers while her other hand still held her pussy open and she still peed . What caught Warren the most about this was Julie 's face . It was blank . Emotionless . She didn 't seem to enjoy the taste of her pee . She didn 't seem disgusted by it . She just looked normal . Like peeing on one 's fingers and then sucking them was completely normal . Still curious , Warren resumed his position at the end of the tub , pulling the shower curtain closed with his face just peeking through , and he started time again . Julie finished sucking her fingers , she probably had done it for no more than five seconds . But she brought her hand back down into her stream of pee . Only this time she bent forward a little and cupped her hand . Catching aWarren stood up and shook the guy 's hand . " Nice to meet you , Joe . " Warren 's eyes opened a little wider . He was surprised that a senior football player recognized him , and wasn 't sure whether that was a good or bad thing . " Yeah , just the past couple days . " Warren laughed , deciding to give him a brief retelling of the story . " We both happened to be around when a few girls ' skirts flipped up in the hallway and we got a show . We started talking about that , and then just kept talking . " Suddenly Julie slapped Joe 's arm . He looked over to see her giving him a smirk . Warren had practically forgotten she was there . Joe laughed and quickly apologized , " Oh , sorry about that . They got nothing on you . " Joe gave Warren another slap on the shoulder as Warren walked out towards the kitchen . He ordered the pizza and a cold bottle of soda , yelling into the living room to figure out what they wanted . Even after finishing ordering , Warren waited for a few minutes . Normally , in a situation like this , Warren would avoid his sister entirely and go play games while she hung out with her friends or her boyfriend ( not that he was sure Joe was her boyfriend or just a date , he had no idea what was going on in his sister 's life ) . But he didn 't really feel like doing that . So he went back to the living room . Joe 's arm was around Julie , her head on his shoulder . Warren announced , " Pizza will be here in twenty . " Over the course of the next two hours , Warren watched some ridiculous street racing movie with Julie and Joe . Julie obviously didn 't care for the film , and Warren didn 't really either , not knowing anything about cars . Joe , however , seemed to love the movie and kept pointing out which cars were " fucking ridiculous " and which ones were " bullshit . " Julie just ignored the comments , but Warren would nod his head or verbally agree , even though he had no idea what he was talking about . When the movie ended , Julie almost immediately grabbed Joe and dragged him out and upstairs . Before leaving the room though , Joe put his hand up towards Warren and said , " See ya around man . " Warren just said , " Yup . " And as he heard them going up the stairs , he started laughing . He probably pissed his sister off more by becoming friendly with Joe than by anything he could do by stopping time . Not that that was going to stop him from messing with her . As he heard the two reach the top of the stairs , Warren stopped time . He walked up the stairs . At the top , he saw Joe walking behind his sister , grabbing her ass cheeks through her pants . Warren laughed , not caring about his sister but glad Joe was enjoying himself . He laughed even harder as he walked by them and saw the look on his sister 's face , which Joe couldn 't see from behind her . It was a clear look of annoyance . Apparently , she didn 't like what he was doing with her ass ! Warren continued to walk past them and into his sister 's room , where he hid in her closet like he had the night before , leaving the closet door open just enough for him to see through . Then he started up time again . Julie practically ripped off Joe 's clothes after she shut the door upon entering the room . Joe wasn 't far behind on getting her clothes off . Then the two got on the bed naked . Julie started by sucking Joe 's dick , then he rolled her over and started pounding into her . Warren tried not to watch most of it , uncomfortable with not only watching his sister , but also not really wanting to see Joe naked . Instead , he just listened , taking occasional glances , hoping for a point where he could stop time and mess with them , or preferably just his sister , as he kind of liked Joe . As he waited , Joe and Julie seemed to go on for ages . Both sounded like they were enjoying it , but neither sounded like they were getting exceptionally pleased by the other . Finally , Warren heard Julie gasp out , " Let 's do doggy . " Warren turned his head as Joe lifted up and his sister got on all fours . He saw Joe reach down and presumably line up his cock with her cunt , though he couldn 't see Joe 's dick from his angle . And then Warren got an idea . He set off the sting in his forehead , and watched as Joe and his sister froze where they were . Opening the closet door , Warren walked over to them , hoping he wasn 't too late . As Warren walked to the side , he bent over laughing . On the plus side he wasn 't too late . He wanted to catch Joe before he entered his sister , and his dick head was just barely lined up with her cunt , ready to thrust in . But that wasn 't why he was laughing . Warren was laughing because Joe had a very small dick . He was this giant guy , tall , muscular , a bit overweight , and he had a very skinny dick that maybe - just maybe - was 5 1 / 2 inches long . It looked even shorter than that , just barely sticking out of the massive bush around his dick . The good thing about that though , was it was probably good for what Warren wanted to do . Warren walked closer and looked at his sister . On all four the way she was , her cunt was clearly exposed , but so was her little asshole , just as Warren had expected . Now he just had to go through with the disgusting part . Warren stared at Joe 's small dick for a little bit working up the courage to make his next move . Then he was ready . Quickly reaching forward and grabbing Joe 's dick , he pulled it out and up a little until it was aimed at his sister 's asshole . He pushed it forward a little to make sure it would go in , and then let go , shaking his hand afterwards like that would cancel out the fact that he had just grabbed a guy 's dick . Warren walked back to the closet still shaking his hand . With his other hand , he closed the closet door enough so he could just barely see out of it . Then he started up time . Immediately Joe thrust forward . " Fuck ! " The scream from Warren 's sister echoed throughout the room . Her upper body fell forward , her head landing in her hands as she screamed . The scream stop " You asshole , I can 't believe you did that ! " " Wha - , " Joe started as he looked down . He saw the problem as soon as he glanced down and pulled out . Apologetically , he started saying , " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to . I don 't know how that happened . I swear I thought I was putting it in your pussy ! " Joe continued apologizing while Julie stayed in the position she was in head in her hands . Her body had started shaking at one point , possibly from sobs , but that soon passed . Tilting her head up , but not looking behind her , she screamed out , " How could you do that ? " " No , " Joe began , continuing , " I don 't know . " As he said that , Warren saw Joe 's arm begin to move . He immediately recognized the motion - Joe was slowly jerking off . Julie didn 't respond after her last comment . She just dropped her head to her hands again . Why she didn 't move from the position she was in , Warren didn 't know . After a short time , Joe started talking again . " Look , let 's forget that happened , finish here , and go to sleep . " Warren saw Joe push forward , but didn 't know which hole he was pushing into . Julie answered that quickly though . She must 've felt Joe pushing against her as she rapidly leaned forward and whipped her head back towards him and yelled , " You are not putting that in my pussy ! It was just in my ass ! That 's disgusting ! " Julie looked back at him . When she turned her head , she looked angry , but it faded to what looked like indifference as she looked at Joe 's face , which Warren couldn 't see . " Fine , then I 'll jerk you off . " Julie shook her head and looked away . She was quiet for awhile , then dropped her head into her hands . Through her hands , she mumbled , " Just put it back in my ass . But be quick about it . " Warren couldn 't believe his ears . His sister was going to let Joe get off in her ass ! Joe apparently couldn 't believe his ears either . His tone changing to that of a child on Christmas morning , he exclaimed , " What ? Really ? You sure ? " The show didn 't last for long though , as Joe started showing signs of his oncoming orgasm . It wasn 't long before he threw his head back and screamed - practically roared - as he shot his load in Julie 's ass . Joe stayed as he was for nearly a minute after he shot his load . Then he pulled back and collapsed on the bed next to Julie , whispering to her how incredible she was for a few seconds before very clearly falling asleep . Warren waited for his sister to move , but for several minutes after Joe passed out she stayed with her head in her hands and her ass in the air . Finally , she started to stretch her legs out beneath her . She only moved them a few inches before jerking them back to where they had been . Then she tried a new approach , and slowly leaned over on her side , inched her way away from Joe so as not to roll on him , and then rolled onto her back , her knees in the air . Warren heard her say , " Fuck . " She didn 't scream it , she didn 't sound angry . She just said it . Unable to hear her emotion , Warren stopped time . He walked up to his sister to look at her face . She was staring emotionlessly at the ceiling . She didn 't look like she had been crying . She didn 't look like she was in pain . She just looked . . . bored . The look actually kind of pissed Warren off . He had started to feel bad , started to think he might have gone too far , that he had done something to seriously mess with her . But here she was looking fine , meaning she made him worry about her for nothing . Warren left and headed to his room , stopping to wash his hands on the way . Sitting on his bed , he started up time , laid back and went to sleep . At two in the morning , Warren woke up to his cell phone alarm . He grabbed his cell phone and shut it off , then confused looked at the settings for the alarm . He slammed the phone into the bed as he realized he had set his phone the night before to go off daily , instead of just once . He laid there for a few minutes , pissed off at being awake . Unable to get to sleep within the next few minutes , Warren announceSitting up , he pulled off his boxers and then stopped time . He got up and walked to his sister 's room . Julie was still in the position he had seen her when she left , on her back with her knees up . But being asleep now , her knees had fallen apart somewhat , exposing her shaved pussy . Joe , meanwhile , was asleep on his side facing Julie , but a little less than a couple feet away , his top arm stretched out and holding Julie 's breast that was closest to him . Both were sleeping above the covers . Warren had to chuckle looking at Joe . Asleep and on his side , his dick had gone limp and was hanging down , maybe two and a half inches long , three tops . It looked like a little boy 's penis on a man 's body , and it was nearly hidden in his vast pubic hair . Carefully , Warren lifted Joe 's arm off his sister and placed it next to him . Then Warren smacked Julie 's foot . He briefly started and stopped time again for her to wake up . Finally , he started jerking off , getting ready to cum on her again . Trying to speed things up , he ran his spare hand over his sister 's body , for the first time appreciating her ample breasts , her dark nipples , long and hard from the cold night air in her room , her toned stomach , her shaved hot pussy - the outer lips big enough to hide all her inner folds , but when spread exposing her pink hole . . . Warren pulled his hand back from his sister 's pussy and stopped jerking off , suddenly realizing he nearly came to soon . Climbing onto the bed , Warren got on his knees , one leg on either side of his sister , careful not to hit her or Joe in any way . Above , he aimed his dick at her face and started jerking off . As he felt himself about to cum , he started up time . He heard Julie gasp beneath him and he watched her face turn red as his first shot hit her in the nostril . Julie didn 't even react as his next shot left a trail from her cheek , over her eye onto her forehead . Warren aimed lower and the next shot hit beneath her chin , and the following one left a trail from her chin across her open mouth to just above her upper lip . Julie continued to simply stare at her brother 's dick as the next couple shots hit her cheek , and then the remainder dribbled onto her neck . Since Julie didn 't react this time , Warren kept jerking off til he felt empty , not stopping time again until he felt every last drop of cum was out of him . Then he went to the bathroom and got tissues to clean off his cum on his sister . He wiped it all off , though he did rub a little into her tongue , threw the tissues out in his room , and then went into her closet again as he started time . Julie simply stared at the ceiling for about a minute or so and muttered , " Not again . " She then brought her hands up to her face and rubbed her face then looked at her hands , finding nothing . She then made noises with her mouth like she had the night before . When she stopped , she just shook her head up at the ceiling , whispering , " What the fuck is wrong with me ? " Then Julie started to push her legs down flat . She had barely moved them when she made a sudden whining noise and jerked them back up . She turned her head towards Joe , looked at him for a few seconds , then shook her head . She rolled in the opposite direction of Joe , keeping her knees bent but now facing the side , and pulled a pillow over her head . Warren stopped time and headed back to his room . He laid down and was back asleep in seconds . Read 171627 times | |
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . I was becoming too comfortable with this lifestyle . My friends and family endured me because deep down there had to be a " good - guy " in there somewhere . I had seen and been part of more than life 's fair share of death and near death . Karma was winning . I had to make a change . I had to save myself . There was a place that I heard of where men like me could go to , a place that would never judge or discriminate against those who sought its embrace . I 'm sure that the local authorities would endorse my application into this organization . I was at a dead - end in my life and I felt it was going nowhere fast . So I did what all good blue blooded males do at this point in their lives . I signed up to do three years in the Marine Corp . I wanted to do something totally different , something I had never done before . This was certainly different . After all the paperwork and legal shit was done . I had gotten into a fight and got arrested and the judge wanted to send me away . Luckily the Gunny who recruited me , bailed me out of that jail in Long Island by telling the judge I was entering the military . I was told to report to the USMC recruiting station at 181st and Broadway on the 3rd of September . The night or two or three before the 3rd of September , I was out partying with as many good friends I could possibly find . We drank and smoked everything we could possibly smoke and drink in three days time . I was so hammered when the morning came for me to report to the recruiting station . I couldn 't walk on my own so like good buddies they were and not wanting me to miss my appointment . They literally carried me and dropped me off at the front door of the recruiter 's office . I actually awoke inside the doorstep of the recruiter 's office . For some ungodly reason he hands " ME " this large briefcase type luggage looking thing with all the personnel and medical records for all us recruits . He declared that " I " should be this responsible person . He must have regretted that decision once he handed me that records . Because then I choose as my assistant record keeper , this crazy looking dude with a Mohawk haircut . It takes us about an hour or so on the bus to get to Ft Hamilton and then another 10 hours of physicals , stress tests and assorted other useless examinations . From the base we take another bus shuttle to JFK airport . We check in at the ticket line . The airline proceeds to tell us that we have a good 7 or 8 hours to wait until our flight takes off . Dig this ; because I was the " leader " , I felt it was my duty to take care of us in the best way I knew how . I rounded everyone up and said , " Now some of us have money in our pockets and some of us don 't have any money at all . And since we 're going to boot camp for three months none of us will need any money . " I collect every dime from the whole group we actually ended up with a few hundred dollars . Then me and Mohawk Hair Dude take a yellow cab into downtown Queens and buy 25 cases of beer , ice , smokes and munchies . We then take another cab back to JFK , gather our fellow recruits and we all march across to the other side of the airport till we get to what was then known as the Flying Tigers airplane cargo hanger ( now it 's the FedEx terminal ) . We then spent the next 6 hours drinking , and getting to know each other . What a fucking blast . Most of these kids never had a drink in their life , it was awesome . By the time we went back to the main terminal and the gate to board our plane we were so freaking drunk that the 4 girls with us were actually placed into wheelchairs . As for the rest of us , we were farting , burping and making all sorts of other humorous bodily noises . We finally get seated and the plane takes off , and of course , we continue to buy drinks and food . We get thru the majority of the flight without any major problems , other than vomiting and a few fights with some of the other passengers . We safely land in South Carolina . Of course , we have another hour or so to wait for a second and much shorter flight to a smaller local airport closer to our final destination Parris Island South Carolina . So of course we slam back a few more beers and buy some more booze . Everyone is doing their very best to smoke all their cigarettes and do any other illegal substances that they had on them before we get to the base . Finally we boarded the last flight and everyone appeared to be mentally preparing themselves for what lies ahead . The flight takes less than 30 minutes and while we are descending into the airport , the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom . He is telling everyone that they have some special passengers on board . The pilot politely asks the other passengers if they would allow us future US Marines to exit first . We will be exiting thru a separate door in the rear of the aircraft . Even though we are all shitfaced drunk we 're thinking , " That 's right we 're Marines , make way you bunch of ordinary civilians . " That attitude does not last long though . The plane lands and taxis to the gate . As we walk toward the rear of the plane to this little exit door that is now open . I can hear screaming and yelling , more barking than yelling . It wasn 't until I got to the exit door myself that I saw what the all the yelling and barking was all about . Standing at the bottom of the steps , was quite possibly the biggest , meanest looking person I have ever seen in my entire life , ( including in the movies ) . He was massive . And he was pissed off for some reason . He was screaming , " Get down here you bunch of low life @ % $ % , and you * ) & % # $ . He was yelling at the top of his lungs , which I am pretty sure were massive as well . As the " drunks " , ( that 's us ) , made our way to the bottom of the stairs this massive dude was literally tossing people to one side of the room . I was able to run past him with the Mohawk hair guy into the bathroom to take a piss and snort the last of his cocaine . All of the sudden the frigging bathroom door comes flying open . The door practically comes off its hinges . And here comes SGT Rock Massive still screaming and yelling as he comes right at us . He sees that we 're doing drugs and takes a swing at me about head high . I duck and he hits the metal partition between the urinals we are standing at . The freaking thing breaks off the wall . I 'm laughing and pissing on myself as I run out of the tiny now " door - less " bathroom and into the madness that is the room filled with all my other drunk recruit buddies . Everyone is scrambling to find a corner to run to or stand in , just get away from these psychos . The Smokey hat wearing screaming , barking bellowing , yelling , vein neck bulging Marines are running behind people . Screaming at them , ordering us to stand in these little yellow footprints painted on the floor . I 'm standing straight as I can like everyone else . On my left is this little room with a small window , like one of those windows they have in the police station interrogation rooms . ( Not that I know of such rooms personally , or do I ? ) Through the small window , I can see SGT Rock Massive and this other huge guy in a hat . The two of them are waiving their hands , hats , and everything else all about like madmen . They 're also holding this black plastic garbage bag . Oh yeah , I forgot to mention something . Remember that briefcase luggage looking thing that the Gunny gave us with the records in it ? Well while we were at the airport drinking all that beer . I used that briefcase thing as a cooler for some of the beer . So naturally I used a garbage bag to hold the records . I was now guessing that all the records in that garbage bag got all shuffled and mixed up . The two giant mean screaming Sgt Massive come out of the little room and with one look . Everything and everyone stopped , no more screaming and yelling , just silence . I swear that second lasted an hour , but it didn 't . All of the sudden SGT Rock Massive starts screaming , Well , everyone looks at me and starts laughing , me included , but not for long . Before I knew it , I had one SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing in front of me screaming . Another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the right side of my face . I had one other SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the left side of my face . And I had yet another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the back of my neck , and YES there was actually one more SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing on top of a chair yelling at the top of my head , at the top of my head ! They are so close to me that every now and then one of them would knock his own hat off when its brim would hit me . You would think they could yell without their hats , right ? Apparently not , they need the hats to yell , I 'm not kidding . I don 't ever remember seeing a drill instructor yell without his hat . Well because of this still infamous act , I became the most taunted recruit throughout my entire experience at boot camp . Everyone knew about O ' Brien and the medical records fiasco . Every time there was a punishment handed out , our entire platoon had to scream , " Thank you private O ' Brien . " I survived boot camp and the rest of the shit that karma delivered to me . The moments and opportunities in my life that I thought had meaning and merit didn 't have either . The things in my life that I squandered and wasted would have been gladly received by someone else in this world . I had so much given to me and I gave it all away . There was this dream I had last night . One of many dreams last night in fact . In some of my dreams I 'm a hero , saving the less heroic . I 'm sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon . Yet this one dream last night was about " her , " or maybe it was really about " me . " Maybe me and her , oh hell , the truth is the dream was about MY HEART . MY HEART ; the very interior of MY HEART . I found myself actually inside of my own heart . What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself . Not in the typical way . This was different , much different I was inside the very thing that keeps me / us alive . Was this really a dream ? I can feel the vibrating red walls ; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART . As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in , I wonder if I will ever be able to leave , if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me . Will I want to ? I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me . I don 't understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me ? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch . What have I done , why does MY HEART not want MY touch ? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling . I 'm falling ! Not just me , everything IN HERE is dropping , falling downward , and spiraling out of control . I can 't hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something . Faster and faster MY HEART sinks , deeper it and I go , but to where ? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with . But NO I want to stop this falling ; I want to help MY HEART . My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open . The sound is horrible ; it 's like a wailing or crying . The sound won 't stop , and as I fall faster towards I don 't know where , the crying is all around . I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound , as if MY HEART was drowning . I feel the rain as it showers down upon me , only it 's not rain , its , its TEARS . MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its / MY tears . Falling , gurgling , and spiraling . I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth . I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there . No lips , no opening . I try to look at my hands , but I cannot see . It was July 1977 ; I just turned 18 years old . For most kids my age it was time for proms and enjoying the last summer before going to college . For some that might be a milestone , for me it meant that I was now walking on the thinnest of ice . I was now old enough to be charged as an adult for any crimes I would commit from this day forward . " SHIT SHIT SHIT , I 'm going to be late . I hate being late when I have to meet him , " I was thinking to myself . I was walking fast , maybe sort of running actually . I had to meet Mr . J . That 's what everybody called him . I remember his real name but it doesn 't matter now so we 'll stick with Mr . J . He was this big drug dealer in our neighborhood . He always had pot , coke , smack , if you could name it Mr . J sold it . He never actually dealt drugs himself . He always had younger guys carrying and selling drugs for him . I was one of those younger guys , and right now I was late for a meeting with Mr . J , shit I hate being late . It was around 3pm and it was hot and sticky today . Just a few days had passed since the great blackout of 1977 in New York City . The entire city was without power . Every traffic light , every store , and every single city power was out for more than 24 hours . There were over 1 , 000 fires set by looters and rioters . It was also The Summer of Sam . Sam was this physco nutjob running around shooting and killing lovers while they were kissing in their parked cars . Crazy , crazy shit happened that summer . The day after the blackout me and this buddy of mine named Ray made these t - shirts that said " I Survived the 1977 NYC Blackout " . We made them in all sizes and colors , Ray and I sold a shitload of theses shirts at $ 5 . 00 a piece . My day started like this ; Mr . J said I had to go handle this big pot delivery coming into the bus terminal . I figured no problem ; I 'll just go to midtown Manhattan and sell some t - shirts while I wait for the bus to come in . I sold a lot of shirts that day and still had a bunch of them stuffed in these two brown paper bags when I went to meet the pot delivery . I hustled over to The Port Authority bus terminal at 42nd Street and 8th Ave to meet the courier . After the exchange I went into the terminal bathroom and put the pot in the bottom of my shopping bags and the t - shirts of top of the pot . I then took the A train from 42nd Street to Dyckman Street , where I was to meet Mr . J and his boyfriend . I had always been a good solider for Mr . J . But there was never a good reason to be late . Especially today , today I had a big delivery . In each paper bag I had about 5 pounds of Columbian Gold , the finest and " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " I got off the subway train and was walking up Broadway , I was almost at the corner now and I could see Mr . J leaning up against his big black Cadillac . Even from across the street I could see his smiling eyes . He knew that I had the good stuff and my bags were worth a whole lot of money to him . Then it all happened so fast . The small car in front of the green city bus slammed on his brakes in an attempt to pull into a parking spot . The city bus didn 't have a chance to stop and slammed into the small car . The bus " crushed " the little car into some other parked cars and right behind the bus was that cop car . The cop car screeches to a stop just barely missing the back of the bus . The impact of the bus and car , the screeching tires from the cop and the image of me almost getting hit by something halted me in my tracks . I didn 't move a muscle , I should have but I didn 't . It suddenly occurred to me that I 'm the only person on the street here . I was the single , one and only fucking person on that very corner at that very moment . The cop that was driving and staring at me just moments ago gets out of his car . With his hat in one hand and his other hand scratching his head he sees me trying to indiscreetly cross the street behind his cop car with my two bags of some pot and t - shirts . He runs over and stands in front of me and starts babbling about how , " I WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN WITNESS . " I could see Mr . J waving his hands and trying to get me to walk away , but the goddamn cop was saying " Hold on a second there son , we 're going to need you to write down what you saw . " I was like " Officer I got to go , I 'm late , and I can 't hang around . " The other cop gets out of the car and yells " Just put him in the car , we 'll get his statement down at the station . " I had no choice but to get into the police car or I would be risking the cops getting suspicious . Worse yet , if I ran they would start chasing me and I wasn 't going to get too far with my bags . So I got into the car and off we go , as I look out the rear patrol car window I see Mr . J screaming and waving his arms . Back in the 70 's pot was pretty common . The cops didn 't have drug dogs walking around all the time like they do now . Besides the stuff I as carrying was professionally wrapped and packaged . This wasn 't some amateur operation , Mr . J and his connections took their pot business very serious . I was one of 2 dozens guys that picked up for him on a weekly basis . There were a lot of people who would have trouble seeing me getting into a cop car with their merchandise . He had this clipboard with a sheet of paper with lines on it resembling the intersection . He is talking and making little cars and city buses in his drawing . His eyes were looking downward at the clipboard , it was at this moment that he looks at my shopping bags and says , and " Hey what 's that in your shopping bag ? Are those t - shirts ? He yanks the top one out of my bag before I could react and he holds it up to look at the writing . " These are great shirts kid ; do you have a green one in extra large ? " I 'm freaking dying here as this cop starts reaching in my bag grabbing t - shirts . Before you know it , other cops that are walking by see this happening and they 're stopping and saying , " hey nice t - shirts . " Another cop asks me , " Do you have a red one ? " " I have a son and a daughter do you have any small sizes ? " The cop sitting on the bench with me starts to reach into my bags to sort thru the t - shirts . I barked at him , " I got it for you , I 'll get it , here you go , you want a blue one ? " I finally sell the last shirt to the last freaking cop in that goddamn police station . I lean back against the wooden bench , " Whew that was close . " I look down at my paper bags and I swear to god there must have been only a ½ dozen t - shirts left on each pile of pot in each bag . One more freaking " cop t - shirt rush " and they would have seen " the sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We finish up the accident interview and the cop says to me , " thanks for helping out kid , let me give you a ride back to your neighborhood . " I 'm like " no , no I 'm alright I 'll hop in a cab or take the bus really officer it 's no problem . " So once again I climb into a police car with my two bags of t - shirts and the " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We get back to same intersection where all this just started a few hours ago . And low and behold , still leaning against his big black caddy is Mr . J . This time he 's not smiling , he 's got this real pissed off look on his face like I was a rat or something . Not to mention here I am bringing the cops right to his feet . Never happen , because I 'm no rat and I would never ever skip out on anyone I was doing business with . I finally cross the street to him and I tell him everything that happened . I was waiting for him to pull out a gun and smack the shit out of me but instead he starts laughing , pats me on the head and says " get in the car little dude , let 's get the fuck out of here . " We drive back to his house and we get stoned right until the morning , then I lock myself in the back bedroom so I can sleep in peace . He has a big house and lots of people are always coming and going so he gave this back bedroom to me and another buddy so we could lock it from the inside while we sleep , but that is another story for another time . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . Blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . I was becoming too comfortable with this lifestyle . My friends and family endured me because deep down there had to be a " good - guy " in there somewhere . I had seen and been part of more than life 's fair share of death and near death . Karma was winning . I had to make a change . I had to save myself . There was a place that I heard of where men like me could go to , a place that would never judge or discriminate against those who sought its embrace . I 'm sure that the local authorities would endorse my application into this organization . I was at a dead - end in my life and I felt it was going nowhere fast . So I did what all good blue blooded males do at this point in their lives . I signed up to do three years in the Marine Corp . I wanted to do something totally different , something I had never done before . This was certainly different . After all the paperwork and legal shit was done . I had gotten into a fight and got arrested and the judge wanted to send me away . Luckily the Gunny who recruited me , bailed me out of that jail in Long Island by telling the judge I was entering the military . I was told to report to the USMC recruiting station at 181st and Broadway on the 3rd of September . The night or two or three before the 3rd of September , I was out partying with as many good friends I could possibly find . We drank and smoked everything we could possibly smoke and drink in three days time . I was so hammered when the morning came for me to report to the recruiting station . I couldn 't walk on my own so like good buddies they were and not wanting me to miss my appointment . They literally carried me and dropped me off at the front door of the recruiter 's office . I actually awoke inside the doorstep of the recruiter 's office . For some ungodly reason he hands " ME " this large briefcase type luggage looking thing with all the personnel and medical records for all us recruits . He declared that " I " should be this responsible person . He must have regretted that decision once he handed me that records . Because then I choose as my assistant record keeper , this crazy looking dude with a Mohawk haircut . It takes us about an hour or so on the bus to get to Ft Hamilton and then another 10 hours of physicals , stress tests and assorted other useless examinations . From the base we take another bus shuttle to JFK airport . We check in at the ticket line . The airline proceeds to tell us that we have a good 7 or 8 hours to wait until our flight takes off . Dig this ; because I was the " leader " , I felt it was my duty to take care of us in the best way I knew how . I rounded everyone up and said , " Now some of us have money in our pockets and some of us don 't have any money at all . And since we 're going to boot camp for three months none of us will need any money . " I collect every dime from the whole group we actually ended up with a few hundred dollars . Then me and Mohawk Hair Dude take a yellow cab into downtown Queens and buy 25 cases of beer , ice , smokes and munchies . We then take another cab back to JFK , gather our fellow recruits and we all march across to the other side of the airport till we get to what was then known as the Flying Tigers airplane cargo hanger ( now it 's the FedEx terminal ) . We then spent the next 6 hours drinking , and getting to know each other . What a fucking blast . Most of these kids never had a drink in their life , it was awesome . By the time we went back to the main terminal and the gate to board our plane we were so freaking drunk that the 4 girls with us were actually placed into wheelchairs . As for the rest of us , we were farting , burping and making all sorts of other humorous bodily noises . We finally get seated and the plane takes off , and of course , we continue to buy drinks and food . We get thru the majority of the flight without any major problems , other than vomiting and a few fights with some of the other passengers . We safely land in South Carolina . Of course , we have another hour or so to wait for a second and much shorter flight to a smaller local airport closer to our final destination Parris Island South Carolina . So of course we slam back a few more beers and buy some more booze . Everyone is doing their very best to smoke all their cigarettes and do any other illegal substances that they had on them before we get to the base . Finally we boarded the last flight and everyone appeared to be mentally preparing themselves for what lies ahead . The flight takes less than 30 minutes and while we are descending into the airport , the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom . He is telling everyone that they have some special passengers on board . The pilot politely asks the other passengers if they would allow us future US Marines to exit first . We will be exiting thru a separate door in the rear of the aircraft . Even though we are all shitfaced drunk we 're thinking , " That 's right we 're Marines , make way you bunch of ordinary civilians . " That attitude does not last long though . The plane lands and taxis to the gate . As we walk toward the rear of the plane to this little exit door that is now open . I can hear screaming and yelling , more barking than yelling . It wasn 't until I got to the exit door myself that I saw what the all the yelling and barking was all about . Standing at the bottom of the steps , was quite possibly the biggest , meanest looking person I have ever seen in my entire life , ( including in the movies ) . He was massive . And he was pissed off for some reason . He was screaming , " Get down here you bunch of low life @ % $ % , and you * ) & % # $ . He was yelling at the top of his lungs , which I am pretty sure were massive as well . As the " drunks " , ( that 's us ) , made our way to the bottom of the stairs this massive dude was literally tossing people to one side of the room . I was able to run past him with the Mohawk hair guy into the bathroom to take a piss and snort the last of his cocaine . All of the sudden the frigging bathroom door comes flying open . The door practically comes off its hinges . And here comes SGT Rock Massive still screaming and yelling as he comes right at us . He sees that we 're doing drugs and takes a swing at me about head high . I duck and he hits the metal partition between the urinals we are standing at . The freaking thing breaks off the wall . I 'm laughing and pissing on myself as I run out of the tiny now " door - less " bathroom and into the madness that is the room filled with all my other drunk recruit buddies . Everyone is scrambling to find a corner to run to or stand in , just get away from these psychos . The Smokey hat wearing screaming , barking bellowing , yelling , vein neck bulging Marines are running behind people . Screaming at them , ordering us to stand in these little yellow footprints painted on the floor . I 'm standing straight as I can like everyone else . On my left is this little room with a small window , like one of those windows they have in the police station interrogation rooms . ( Not that I know of such rooms personally , or do I ? ) Through the small window , I can see SGT Rock Massive and this other huge guy in a hat . The two of them are waiving their hands , hats , and everything else all about like madmen . They 're also holding this black plastic garbage bag . Oh yeah , I forgot to mention something . Remember that briefcase luggage looking thing that the Gunny gave us with the records in it ? Well while we were at the airport drinking all that beer . I used that briefcase thing as a cooler for some of the beer . So naturally I used a garbage bag to hold the records . I was now guessing that all the records in that garbage bag got all shuffled and mixed up . The two giant mean screaming Sgt Massive come out of the little room and with one look . Everything and everyone stopped , no more screaming and yelling , just silence . I swear that second lasted an hour , but it didn 't . All of the sudden SGT Rock Massive starts screaming , Well , everyone looks at me and starts laughing , me included , but not for long . Before I knew it , I had one SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing in front of me screaming . Another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the right side of my face . I had one other SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the left side of my face . And I had yet another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the back of my neck , and YES there was actually one more SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing on top of a chair yelling at the top of my head , at the top of my head ! They are so close to me that every now and then one of them would knock his own hat off when its brim would hit me . You would think they could yell without their hats , right ? Apparently not , they need the hats to yell , I 'm not kidding . I don 't ever remember seeing a drill instructor yell without his hat . Well because of this still infamous act , I became the most taunted recruit throughout my entire experience at boot camp . Everyone knew about O ' Brien and the medical records fiasco . Every time there was a punishment handed out , our entire platoon had to scream , " Thank you private O ' Brien . " I survived boot camp and the rest of the shit that karma delivered to me . The moments and opportunities in my life that I thought had meaning and merit didn 't have either . The things in my life that I squandered and wasted would have been gladly received by someone else in this world . I had so much given to me and I gave it all away . There was this dream I had last night . One of many dreams last night in fact . In some of my dreams I 'm a hero , saving the less heroic . I 'm sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon . Yet this one dream last night was about " her , " or maybe it was really about " me . " Maybe me and her , oh hell , the truth is the dream was about MY HEART . MY HEART ; the very interior of MY HEART . I found myself actually inside of my own heart . What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself . Not in the typical way . This was different , much different I was inside the very thing that keeps me / us alive . Was this really a dream ? I can feel the vibrating red walls ; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART . As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in , I wonder if I will ever be able to leave , if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me . Will I want to ? I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me . I don 't understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me ? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch . What have I done , why does MY HEART not want MY touch ? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling . I 'm falling ! Not just me , everything IN HERE is dropping , falling downward , and spiraling out of control . I can 't hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something . Faster and faster MY HEART sinks , deeper it and I go , but to where ? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with . But NO I want to stop this falling ; I want to help MY HEART . My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open . The sound is horrible ; it 's like a wailing or crying . The sound won 't stop , and as I fall faster towards I don 't know where , the crying is all around . I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound , as if MY HEART was drowning . I feel the rain as it showers down upon me , only it 's not rain , its , its TEARS . MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its / MY tears . Falling , gurgling , and spiraling . I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth . I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there . No lips , no opening . I try to look at my hands , but I cannot see . It was July 1977 ; I just turned 18 years old . For most kids my age it was time for proms and enjoying the last summer before going to college . For some that might be a milestone , for me it meant that I was now walking on the thinnest of ice . I was now old enough to be charged as an adult for any crimes I would commit from this day forward . " SHIT SHIT SHIT , I 'm going to be late . I hate being late when I have to meet him , " I was thinking to myself . I was walking fast , maybe sort of running actually . I had to meet Mr . J . That 's what everybody called him . I remember his real name but it doesn 't matter now so we 'll stick with Mr . J . He was this big drug dealer in our neighborhood . He always had pot , coke , smack , if you could name it Mr . J sold it . He never actually dealt drugs himself . He always had younger guys carrying and selling drugs for him . I was one of those younger guys , and right now I was late for a meeting with Mr . J , shit I hate being late . It was around 3pm and it was hot and sticky today . Just a few days had passed since the great blackout of 1977 in New York City . The entire city was without power . Every traffic light , every store , and every single city power was out for more than 24 hours . There were over 1 , 000 fires set by looters and rioters . It was also The Summer of Sam . Sam was this physco nutjob running around shooting and killing lovers while they were kissing in their parked cars . Crazy , crazy shit happened that summer . The day after the blackout me and this buddy of mine named Ray made these t - shirts that said " I Survived the 1977 NYC Blackout " . We made them in all sizes and colors , Ray and I sold a shitload of theses shirts at $ 5 . 00 a piece . My day started like this ; Mr . J said I had to go handle this big pot delivery coming into the bus terminal . I figured no problem ; I 'll just go to midtown Manhattan and sell some t - shirts while I wait for the bus to come in . I sold a lot of shirts that day and still had a bunch of them stuffed in these two brown paper bags when I went to meet the pot delivery . I hustled over to The Port Authority bus terminal at 42nd Street and 8th Ave to meet the courier . After the exchange I went into the terminal bathroom and put the pot in the bottom of my shopping bags and the t - shirts of top of the pot . I then took the A train from 42nd Street to Dyckman Street , where I was to meet Mr . J and his boyfriend . I had always been a good solider for Mr . J . But there was never a good reason to be late . Especially today , today I had a big delivery . In each paper bag I had about 5 pounds of Columbian Gold , the finest and " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " I got off the subway train and was walking up Broadway , I was almost at the corner now and I could see Mr . J leaning up against his big black Cadillac . Even from across the street I could see his smiling eyes . He knew that I had the good stuff and my bags were worth a whole lot of money to him . Then it all happened so fast . The small car in front of the green city bus slammed on his brakes in an attempt to pull into a parking spot . The city bus didn 't have a chance to stop and slammed into the small car . The bus " crushed " the little car into some other parked cars and right behind the bus was that cop car . The cop car screeches to a stop just barely missing the back of the bus . The impact of the bus and car , the screeching tires from the cop and the image of me almost getting hit by something halted me in my tracks . I didn 't move a muscle , I should have but I didn 't . It suddenly occurred to me that I 'm the only person on the street here . I was the single , one and only fucking person on that very corner at that very moment . The cop that was driving and staring at me just moments ago gets out of his car . With his hat in one hand and his other hand scratching his head he sees me trying to indiscreetly cross the street behind his cop car with my two bags of some pot and t - shirts . He runs over and stands in front of me and starts babbling about how , " I WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN WITNESS . " I could see Mr . J waving his hands and trying to get me to walk away , but the goddamn cop was saying " Hold on a second there son , we 're going to need you to write down what you saw . " I was like " Officer I got to go , I 'm late , and I can 't hang around . " The other cop gets out of the car and yells " Just put him in the car , we 'll get his statement down at the station . " I had no choice but to get into the police car or I would be risking the cops getting suspicious . Worse yet , if I ran they would start chasing me and I wasn 't going to get too far with my bags . So I got into the car and off we go , as I look out the rear patrol car window I see Mr . J screaming and waving his arms . Back in the 70 's pot was pretty common . The cops didn 't have drug dogs walking around all the time like they do now . Besides the stuff I as carrying was professionally wrapped and packaged . This wasn 't some amateur operation , Mr . J and his connections took their pot business very serious . I was one of 2 dozens guys that picked up for him on a weekly basis . There were a lot of people who would have trouble seeing me getting into a cop car with their merchandise . He had this clipboard with a sheet of paper with lines on it resembling the intersection . He is talking and making little cars and city buses in his drawing . His eyes were looking downward at the clipboard , it was at this moment that he looks at my shopping bags and says , and " Hey what 's that in your shopping bag ? Are those t - shirts ? He yanks the top one out of my bag before I could react and he holds it up to look at the writing . " These are great shirts kid ; do you have a green one in extra large ? " I 'm freaking dying here as this cop starts reaching in my bag grabbing t - shirts . Before you know it , other cops that are walking by see this happening and they 're stopping and saying , " hey nice t - shirts . " Another cop asks me , " Do you have a red one ? " " I have a son and a daughter do you have any small sizes ? " The cop sitting on the bench with me starts to reach into my bags to sort thru the t - shirts . I barked at him , " I got it for you , I 'll get it , here you go , you want a blue one ? " I finally sell the last shirt to the last freaking cop in that goddamn police station . I lean back against the wooden bench , " Whew that was close . " I look down at my paper bags and I swear to god there must have been only a ½ dozen t - shirts left on each pile of pot in each bag . One more freaking " cop t - shirt rush " and they would have seen " the sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We finish up the accident interview and the cop says to me , " thanks for helping out kid , let me give you a ride back to your neighborhood . " I 'm like " no , no I 'm alright I 'll hop in a cab or take the bus really officer it 's no problem . " So once again I climb into a police car with my two bags of t - shirts and the " sweetest smoking herb you ever had . " We get back to same intersection where all this just started a few hours ago . And low and behold , still leaning against his big black caddy is Mr . J . This time he 's not smiling , he 's got this real pissed off look on his face like I was a rat or something . Not to mention here I am bringing the cops right to his feet . Never happen , because I 'm no rat and I would never ever skip out on anyone I was doing business with . I finally cross the street to him and I tell him everything that happened . I was waiting for him to pull out a gun and smack the shit out of me but instead he starts laughing , pats me on the head and says " get in the car little dude , let 's get the fuck out of here . " We drive back to his house and we get stoned right until the morning , then I lock myself in the back bedroom so I can sleep in peace . He has a big house and lots of people are always coming and going so he gave this back bedroom to me and another buddy so we could lock it from the inside while we sleep , but that is another story for another time . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . Blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
My neighbors are mostly women . There used to be men enough years ago , when I was a boy and a young man , but they have all died out or moved away . Now you can go up and down the street , and it 's nothing but women except in a few houses . And some of the men that 's left are traveling week in and week out , and might as well not live here . And some are so old and feeble , like old man Ames and Abraham Jones , that they don 't count for much . Sometimes when I think of it , it seems to me just like an Indian village that I 've read about , when the men are all off hunting , and fishing , and fighting . I s ' pose I 'd have to do most of the defending hearth and home if the enemy came if there was an enemy , although I suppose I could count some on Eliza Sam . Her real name ain 't Eliza Sam ; it is Eliza Hunt . She 's called Eliza Sam to distinguish her from other Eliza Hunts . There are three in this village , and they have to have their fathers ' and husbands ' names tacked on to theirs to tell ' em apart . Eliza Sam wasn 't never married and her father 's name was Sam . He died about five years ago . He kept the sawmill . Beside Eliza Sam there is Eliza John and Eliza Caleb . Eliza John is married to a man by the name of John , and Eliza Caleb ain 't married , never was , and is never like to be , but they have tacked Caleb onto her name to tell her from the others . Nearly half this village is made up of Hunts . I am a Hunt , but I ain 't related to the Elizas near enough to say so . I don 't believe anybody could trace out the relationship betwixt Eliza Sam and me . I know her father used to try to . He had a picture of a genealogical tree hanging up in his parlor , hangs there now , though he 's dropped off in his grave . If ever a tree grew in a graveyard it 's a genealogical one . He used to be fond of trying to point out to me whereabouts I came in , but he couldn 't make out much . " It 's here , or here , or here , Caleb , " he used to say , pointing to one little twig after another , but he never knew which I was . He lost the trail at the divide of the branches somewhere back , where an Emmons come into the Hunt family . It never seemed much account to me , and I miss my guess if it did to Eliza Sam , but it pleased the old man , and we used to stand there and let him talk . I trimmed a long birch stick for him to use for a pointer when he talked about his tree . I never see that tree now , but it seems as if he must be standing in front of it , only there 's something the matter with my own eyes . However , I don 't go in there very much now the old man is gone . Eliza Sam lives there alone and folks might talk , if we ain 't as young as we might be . I guess there ain 't any age limit to tongues . I want to be careful , for I have always thought a good deal of Eliza Sam . She 's too big and up - and - comin ' lookin ' to suit some , but I don 't mind her being outspoken and wanting to have her own way . Women folks always want to have their own way , and I don 't know as they are any the worse for owning right up to it , the way Eliza Sam does , than to sort of mince around and get at it sideways . I believe in broadsides and open assaults , and no sneaking under cover of bushes , whether it is a man , or a woman , or a nation . I don 't like the Injun way of doing things . Whenever Eliza Sam has wanted anything she has always taken a bee - line for it , chin up and petticoats flying in the wind . And mostly she 's got it , but not always . There 's things that can 't be got in this world , whether you work by hook or crook . There 's pricks for kickers and pricks for sidlers , and Eliza Sam has met hers as well as the rest of us . But she ain 't cried out nor made any fuss about it , she ain 't lost a pound of flesh nor an atom of the handsome red color in her cheeks . Eliza Sam is a heavy woman . She must weigh a hundred and seventy odd , though she ain 't exactly stout . She has a large frame , and she has enough bone and muscle to take the wind out of a good many men in the village - and she has done it , too . I know one man who used to get up and sidle out of the grocery store of an evening whenever Eliza Sam 's name came up . He 's moved away now , out west , and all his folks . He 's married out there I 've heard , and they 're talkin ' of runnin ' him for Congress . Well , he 'll get there if sticking to it , whether or no , without considering if folks want him or not , has anything to do with it . It never made any difference to him what other folks wanted , as long as he did , and generally he got his way , but once he didn 't because he reckoned without Liza Sam . It was after her father died , and she was known to own the place clear , and have a nice sum in bank beside some Old Colony railroad shares . He had never married , and had his mother and two old maid sisters on his hands , and it struck him he would do well to get Liza Sam . So he begun courting her . Liza Sam didn 't want him , and acted dreadful offish from the very first of it , but that didn 't make any difference to him . It wasn 't what she wanted , but what he wanted . He 'd made up his mind to marry her , and wasn 't going to be stopped by any such little thing as her not wanting to marry him . He lay in wait for her everywhere she went . She couldn 't step into the postoffice nor the store , but there he was running along side her , looking up in her face with that everlasting smirk of his which seemed dreadful mild and gentle , but covered grit as sharp as needles . He was a good deal smaller than Liza Sam , and he wore his hair rather long , and his coat - tails lengthier than common , and they had a way of catching the wind and waving when everything else was still , and his hair always waved on account of a queer little teeter in his walk . Liza Sam , when he used to appear beside her , would scarcely look at him , nor treat him decent , and any man with a mite of self - respect would have taken the hint , but he wouldn 't . He kept on going to see her regular , though she got so she wouldn 't go to the door to let him in ; but that didn 't make any difference ; he just walked in anyhow . Once Liza Sam came downstairs an hour after she 'd seen him coming in her gate , and there he was setting in her parlor smirking up at her . Finally she kept her door locked , and then he set on the doorstep . It got so Liza Sam couldn 't go out the front door without stepping careful , and looking to be sure she wouldn 't stumble over that man . Well , finally she got to the end of her patience one Sunday night in November ; an awful cold night , threatening snow - it did snow before morning . He used to wait every Sunday evening after meeting to go home with her . It didn 't make any difference that she didn 't speak to him , he went just the same . That Sunday night she got desperate . I haven 't mentioned something that may sound queer about Liza Sam ; she is the sexton of the church . I never knew of any village that had a woman sexton before , but when Liza Sam 's father died , there didn 't seem to be any man handy to take his place , so they put Liza in as sexton . She 'd been doing about all the work about the church before , she was plenty strong enough , and there wasn 't any reason why she shouldn 't have the place as well as a man . So Liza was sweeping and making the fires , and ringing the bell , and she gave perfect satisfaction except for being a little ahead of time , and gettin ' folks to meeting a quarter of an hour too early now and then , and putting a linen towel over the top of the pulpit to save the velvet , and a tidy on the back of the parson 's sofa , and a braided mat in front of the communion table . Folks didn 't think those things looked quite appropriate , but Eliza Sam was firm . She said the velvet on the pulpit and the sofa was getting all worn out , and there was a thin place in the carpet , and she had her way . The minister 's wife tried to get the tidy and the towel off at the conference of churches , but she couldn 't fetch it . " Protect your grandmother , " says she . " Now , sir , I want you to understand once for all I don 't want you to go home with me . I have no need of your protection nor your society . " He just smirked up at her again and tucked his hand through her arm . Then she got desperate . She didn 't say another word , but she just turned about , and she begun walking down the old road to Clifford ; they had passed it a little ways back . The wind was in their faces , and it was bitter cold ; hadn 't moderated enough to snow . Well , she walked on and on , with him hold of her arm . Didn 't try to shake him off or nothing , but just went on . Finally he speaks , kind of timid . " Do you know this ain 't the way home , Liza Sam ? " says he . She didn 't make no reply . She just went on . She was dressed real warm , and she never felt the cold much anyway . He was always a real shivery son of man , and he hadn 't got on his winter overcoat . Presently he spoke again . " Guess you took the wrong turn without meaning to , Liza Sam , " says he . She didn 't make any reply , but she walked along with him kind of trailing at her arm . Finally she begun to think she 'd have to carry him if she walked much farther ; she 'd gone about three miles , and she turned round and walked toward home . He tried to talk then , and be real chipper and agreeable , but she kept her mouth shut tight . She was thinking how she could shake him off . When she got back to the main road , she stopped a minute , then headed for the graveyard on the right , and in she went dragging him with her . He acted kind of scared then . She said she guessed he begun to think maybe she 'd gone clean out of her head . " Guess you don 't know where we 're going , Liza Sam , " says he , but she didn 't say anything , just went right on stumbling over the graves . It was quite a dark night . Well , she couldn 't shake him off that way , though she sat down on an old flat tombstone in the Greenaway lot , as much as fifteen minutes , with the wind right in their faces , with him side of her . He tried putting his arm around her waist , but she sat up so straight and stiff that he settled back , and hemmed and acted as if he hadn 't meant to . He kept asking her if she wasn 't afraid of catching cold , but she said never one word . Presently she rose up and straight back to the church she went . She took the key out of her pocket and unlocked the door , and went in with him at her heels ; he asking real gentle and timid if she 'd left anything , and if she was afraid the fires wasn 't fixed right . She never spoke , but in she went , and kind of thrust him off her arm when she went through the door . The church was as dark as a pocket . She just slipped past him , and before he knew it she was outside , and had locked him in . Then she went off home and left him . She could hear him calling after her kind of feeble , but she let him call . Well , Liza Sam left him there till about two o ' clock in the morning . Then she begun to get uneasy . The wind was rising all the time , and the snow coming thick . She begun to think maybe his mother and sisters were sitting up watching for him , and that she was punishing them more than him . So she got up and dressed herself , and came through the snow to my window . I lived right across the street , alone except for dogs . I had five beside a number of puppies at the time . Well , I let him out . He looked kind of white and scared , though he 'd been warm and comfortable enough , and he went home , trudging through the snow in his thin overcoat . I didn 't waste many words on him , but it didn 't take me long to tell him what I thought of him . However , he didn 't seem to sense it . He sort o ' stared at me , and muttered something that I didn 't hear , and went off , and he never troubled Liza Sam again . But the story got around the village , and he didn 't have much peace till he moved away . He sold out his store - he kept the jewelry store - and put up his house at auction . His mother had died in the meantime , and one of his sisters got married , and he went away with Maria . Folks laughed and thought it was real cute in Liza Sam , and upheld her in what she did , but I guess it made the men sort of afraid of her . At any rate , nobody else offered to pay her any attention , though it was a fine place for any man . He would have been well fixed in that nice house , and Liza was a good housekeeper and a splendid cook , besides being as good a woman as ever lived . But even a man who means well and ain 't any idea of not doing what 's right , don 't just like the notion of being held in such a tight rein in case he should feel like kicking over the traces . But there wasn 't a man in the village who didn 't have a respect for Liza Sam , and straighten himself to look as well as he could when he saw her coming . And as for other women , they all liked Liza Sam , and I know one woman who , unless I miss my guess , would go down on her knees and about worship her any minute , and that 's Roger Little 's wife . She was Ada Dean before Little married her , and she was the prettiest girl in the village , and had her pick of all the likely young men , and chose the one that wasn 't likely , as usual . She would have Roger Little , though all her folks were set against it , and it fairly killed her mother . She died not long after Ada was married , and the poor child never got over it . She had begun to see her mistake by that time , and her pretty light ways were changed for old sober ones . I met her on the street and hardly knew her , and other folks spoke of doing the same . Roger Little wasn 't a man to make any girl happy , least of all a little meek , sensitive one like Ada Dean . He came of the best old family in the village , the old Squire Roger 's , and he had had a college education and plenty of money to start with , and good looks , but he 's wasted everything . His money was soon gone , and his good looks going , and his education had been of small account to him , and his father , old Captain Richard Little , as fine an old man as ever lived , had about given him up and decided to leave his money away from him to foreign missions . He talked with me about it one night going home from meeting ; we came out about the same time , and he was feeling sort of downhearted , and I suppose inclined to free his mind to somebody , though it wasn 't his way generally . Captain Richard was a rather gruff , keep - his - troubles - to - himself sort of a man , but the time comes to everybody when they have to speak to some other human being or give up beat . I sort of wondered at Captain Richard speaking to me , for I was a good deal younger than he was , though way ahead of his son Roger . However , I had the name of keeping things to myself pretty well , and I wasn 't married , and didn 't have any women - folks to talk to , and I suppose he thought I was safe , and I never did tell a soul as Captain Richard told me that night with a hoarse growl in his throat , the way a man 's voice is when he 's full of grief and ain 't giving way to it , that he 'd about decided to make his will and leave his money away from Roger . " He 's my only son , Caleb , " says he , " and it seems a pretty hard thing to do , but it 's money that has come by good , honest labor , for I didn 't inherit much with the depreciation of real estate in this town , and I have it in trust from the Lord , and I can 't let it be squandered by a drunkard and a spendthrift . I know if anything happens to my son that his wife will be taken care of , for her father has enough , and is going to settle it on her . My money left to my son 's wife away from him would only make trouble betwixt them , and I 'm going to leave it to foreign missions , and I may ask you to come over and be a witness some day , Caleb , " says he , " and I 'm telling you all this so there won 't be any question of will - breaking and sanity afterward . It don 't seem as if my son would ever think of breaking his father 's will , " says he , " but when a man gets started downhill , snags in the way only make him go faster . I 'm going to give Roger one more chance , " says he ; " it 's about six weeks since he 's been doing anything , and next week he 's called on that arson case at Southbridge ( Roger Little is a lawyer ) , and if he 's sober and in his right mind and able to be there , I 'll wait a while longer about that will ; otherwise I shan 't . I 've just been over there , Caleb , " the old man wound up , " and he was away ; had been away all night , the Lord knows where , and that poor little wife of his a - crying - " I wondered whether Roger Little would come to time for that arson trial ; it was only three days off , and I knew from what I 'd heard that he 'd been doing pretty bad . It seemed to me it was doubtful , and it was , and he would never have done it if it hadn 't been for Liza Sam . The trial was set for Wednesday , and Tuesday Roger Little was laying fast asleep on account of the liquor he 'd been drinking , and he had another great bottle of port wine ready to drink on the stand beside the bed when he woke up . It was a queer thing , but Roger Little wouldn 't get drunk on a thing but nice wine . He hated whiskey and rum like all possessed and said he 'd go to the devil like a gentleman anyhow . Drinking such costly stuff made his money go faster . Often he wouldn 't touch a thing except champagne . Well , there he lay , about four o ' clock in the afternoon , when Liza Sam came in . She was going by , when she heard Roger 's wife crying , the bedroom window being open . " Fetch up your grandmother , " says Liza Sam , and down cellar she goes , and crash goes that last bottle of port wine into the coal - bin . And then she comes up into the sitting - room all of a twinkle , and she told Roger 's wife what she meant to do . They knew about when old Captain Richard would be along , near five o ' clock . That would give him time to get home to tea . The old Captain was very regular in his habits . He had tea summer and winter at six o ' clock , and he wouldn 't let anything make him a minute late . " Hello , hello , Roger ! " yells the Captain . But Roger he didn 't seem to hear . Then the Captain he went ariding after , and she flew . The old Captain he tried to catch up , till they 'd both most got to Southbridge , then he happened to remember that he 'd be late to tea , if he went any farther , and he turned round and rode back . He just stopped long enough at Roger 's to holler to Ada , that he guessed Roger would be able to get to the trial next day , if he rode as fast as he was doing now . You see he thoroughly believed Roger was headed for Southbridge on business about the trial . Then he fetched a big laugh , and rode on , leaving Roger 's wife most fainting . She staid on in the yard , till Liza Sam came back . She didn 't dare go in the house for fear Roger would wake up and be cross , because the wine was gone , let alone his clothes . But he didn 't wake up till Liza was there and standing over him . She didn 't wait to change his clothes when poor Ada told her he was stirring and calling out for more wine , and Roger when he saw that good , handsome woman standing over him in the clothes he 'd disgraced must have thought something had happened . Anyway , half - drunk as he was , he lay still and listened to what she said . She didn 't spare him , not a mite . She told him just what he was . Well , the upshot of it was Roger Little , he turned over a new leaf . He went to the trial next day , and he won his case . Then that same night he went to the old Captain and he made a clean breast of what had happened the day before , and what Liza Sam had done . Roger Little has done as well as anybody could expect ever since . He don 't drink any to speak of , and he tends to business as well as a man of his turn ever could . He 's made quite a name for himself . Sometimes he 's fishing when he ought to be studying , but he always fetches up in the court - room . Mebbe if he wasn 't himself he might be a Choate or a Webster , but as it is he does pretty well , and we 're proud of him , and it 's all due to Liza Sam . Years ago when Liza Sam and I were boys and girls - we weren 't over sixteen - I used to think she was the prettiest girl anywhere about . Once I sent her a valentine , spent every cent of the money I 'd saved to go to the circus , but I never got much satisfaction out of it . She never let on she 'd had a valentine , much less thanked me for it . I didn 't put my name to it , I was too bashful , and mebbe she never knew where it came from , but I supposed she would . I used to go home with Liza Sam before I went home with any other girl , but I was always too afraid of her to kiss her good bye when we got to her father 's gate . All my life , off and on , I have been seeing Eliza Sam home from meeting and sewing meetings and things , and planning between whiles how I would kiss her at the gate , but I never dared . I had an idea that Liza Sam of all women would be angry or laugh at me . I didn 't know which , but I was sure it would be one of the two . " Good - night , Liza , " says I . Then I waited , I didn 't know for what . But all she did was to say , " Good - night , Caleb , " and walked into the house - and Liza Sam and I are going to get married before long , though we haven 't told the neighbors . |
I am fearless . I am Danny the Dog and ( to be redundant ) I fear nothing . I chase squirrels , chickens , raccoons , ducks and of course , cats . However , there is one thing that kind of gets to me , and that is thunder . I don 't know why that is . My human , whose name is Andrew , told me I should go to a doggie psychiatrist and have a past life regression . He said maybe in a past life I had a run in with Thor , the god of thunder . Did I ever tell you that Andrew is an idiot ? Usually I have very little to do with Andrew . I take him for a walk a couple of times a day . I allow him to feed me and give me treats , but for the most part , he goes his way and I go mine . But when it thunders , I want to be … Top Ten Tuesday is an original weekly meme feature created at The Broke and the Bookish . We 'd love to share our lists with other bookish folks and would LOVE to see your top ten lists . For the list of past topics and future schedule , click here . by Andrew JoyceOctober 18 , 2015October 23 , 2015 What you are about to read , I transcribed from a cassette recording . It came to me in a roundabout way a few years ago . A friend of mine runs an Assisted Living Facility ; what we used to call a nursing home . An old gentleman had recently died there and as he had no family , his belongings were boxed up and brought to my friend 's office for disposal . The clothes were thrown away , the books put in the community room . The cassette player , my friend kept . After listening to the tape , my friend called me to tell me about it . Because I am a writer , he thought I might be able to use something from it for a story idea . I thanked him and asked if he could drop it off the next time he was in the neighborhood . A week later , I answered a knock on my door and there stood my friend , cassette player in hand . I thanked him and took possession of the tape and the recorder . After hearing what was on the tape , I decided that I could not improvise a story half as compelling as the old man 's . His words speak for themselves . I give them to you as he spoke them . I went off to war at the tender age of sixteen . My mother cried and begged me to stay , but my country needed me . I would not see my mother again for four very long years . Due to my age , I was assigned to field headquarters as a dispatch courier for the first two years of the war . However , by the beginning of the third year , I had grown a foot taller , and I was shaving . And because men were dying at an alarming rate , I was sent into the trenches . They say that war is hell . I say hell is peaceful compared to living in a muddy trench with bombs exploding around you at all hours of the day and night . Though there were periods of respite from the shelling . Those were the hours when the enemy had to let their big guns cool or else the heat of firing would warp them . I lived like that for two years . I was at Verdun where I saw the true hell of war . After eleven months , we fought to a standstill . When the dead were counted , almost a million men from both sides had given their lives and not one inch of ground had been gained . By November of 1918 , we were out of food , out of ammunition , and almost out of men to send to the slaughter . The people at home had had enough of seeing their sons and fathers and brothers shipped home in boxes . There were marches and protests against the war . Near the end , the dead were not even sent home . They were buried in the fields where they had fallen . At last , the war was over . I am told that nine million men died in those four years , and another twenty million were wounded . I was there and those numbers seem a little low to me , but what do I know ? I was only a private . When I returned home , President Ebert was there to meet us soldiers . He shook my hand and said , " No enemy has vanquished you . " He said the same thing to each man as he stepped off the train . Then I read in a newspaper that he repeated the same phrase in a speech . He should not have done so . It was the basis of , the beginning of , Dolchstoßlegende , the Stab - In - The - Back Myth . The myth that said we lost the war because of the Jews , the Socialists , and the Bolsheviks . But mostly because of the Jews . I told you of my war experience because I wanted you to know I was there . I saw why we lost the war , and it was not because of Dolchstoßlegende . However , Dolchstoßlegende would affect me much more than the war ever had . My mother , when she saw me , dropped the dish she was holding . It broke on the floor , shattering into many pieces . She rushed to me and held me tight . I felt her warm tears on my neck until she let go and held me at arm 's length . " Let me look at you , " she said as she cried with happiness . " My , you have grown so big ! You remind me of your father . " My father had died years earlier ; I barely remembered him . It was good to be home . I had no plans except to sleep late every morning and eat my mother 's good cooking . However , the sleeping late was not to be . When I left , my mother was working in her friend 's millinery shop , but the shop had gone out of business during the war . My mother had been living off the money I was sending home every month . She said she did not write me of her plight because she did not want me to worry about her . I was no longer a boy . I was now a man of twenty years . I had seen the horrors of war and I had lived through those horrors . Certainly , I could provide for my mother and me . Four days after returning home , I went in search of a job . My first employment was with a blacksmith . However , that did not last long . The automobile was driving him out of business , and he had to let me go . Then Herr Hoffman hired me ; he ran the largest bakery in Berlin . It was a good job because I was treated well and shown respect by Herr Hoffman . It was a job I was to have until . . . well . . . until I could no longer work . More on that later . It was about that time the troubles began . The Allies had demanded reparations , and because of the war itself , there were food shortages and inflation . It was not uncommon to see someone with a suitcase filled with Mark notes going to buy a few groceries . One day , a man came into our shop with a 10 , 000 Mark note and asked if it would be enough to buy ten loaves of bread . Before the war , a loaf of bread cost 10 Pfennig , the equivalent of an American nickel . It was good to work where I could take a little food home every day , even if it was only a loaf of stale bread . By 1924 , inflation had gotten so bad that the Mark was replaced by the Reichsmark , but it did little good . There was still rampant inflation and food shortages persisted . Of course , someone had to be blamed for the sorry state of affairs . That is when the Brownshirts appeared . I used to see them on the street corners giving speeches . They were always going on about the Jews and the communists . In those days , I kept mostly to myself . However , being a young man , I did , on occasion , go to a beer hall for a stein or two . It was on one of those occasions that I had my first , but not my last , run - in with the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei or the National Socialist German Worker 's Party . They called themselves Nazis . The year was 1931 . I was thirty - three years old . I still lived with my mother and I still worked for Herr Hoffman . But by then , I did more than carry the fifty - pound bags of flour for the bakers . I was now a baker myself . It was a very good position . After my second stein , I could take it no longer . I turned to them and asked , " Were any of you in the war ? " I knew none of them had been because of their age . I think the oldest one couldn 't have been more than twenty - five . One of the younger ones answered my question . " No , but if we had , we wouldn 't have lost the war . " At that , I had to smile . I was dealing with children . My smile seemed to anger them . " What are you laughing at ? " one of them asked . Another stood and approached me . " Are you a Jew ? " he demanded . That was enough for me . I stood and said , " No , I am not a Jew , but I fought shoulder to shoulder with them during the war while you were sucking your mother 's tit . And pound for pound , I 'd rather have a Jew fighting next to me than any of you ! " True to the Nazi form , they took out their batons and beat me . There were six of them , so I did not have much of a chance , but I did get in a few good punches . One of which knocked out a front tooth of the man who had asked if I was a Jew . Someone called the police , and they broke up the brawl . Just in time from my way of thinking ; I was getting the worst of it . I was told to go home , and as I paid my bill , I saw the policemen talking to the Brownshirts . They all seemed quite friendly with one another . In January of 1933 , Herr Hitler became the chancellor of our republic . In February , the Reichstag burned . The Nazis said it was arson and Hitler persuaded President von Hindenburg to pass the Enabling Act , which suspended our civil liberties . The Act empowered Hitler to name himself dictator of Germany in 1934 . The first thing he did was to outlaw trade unions . Then he passed laws prohibiting Jews from working in the civil service and as lawyers or doctors for anyone except their own people . By 1938 , I was the master baker in Herr Hoffman 's shop . My life was good . My mother was still alive , and we still lived together . On my way home one night , I stopped off at a local ratskeller for a stein . As I entered , I bumped into a man wearing the black uniform of the Schutzstaffe ; he was missing a front tooth . I knew him right away . He was the Brownshirt whose tooth I had knocked out back in 1931 . All of Germany knew of Hitler 's storm troopers , and all of Germany feared them . I could see that he remembered me from somewhere , but was not sure where . Before he could remember , I left without having my stein . As I was going through the door , I turned to see him talking to the barmaid , pointing in my direction . Since the passing of the Enabling Act , it was legal to arrest a person for little or no reason . Most of the arrests were of people who spoke out against Hitler . The SS Storm Troopers were the ones that did the arresting . Once the SS had you in custody , you ended up in a concentration camp . The establishment of the camps was also one of the things Herr Hitler did in his first year as chancellor . I had no desire to be sent to a camp for punching a party member in the face years earlier , so I hurried home that evening . I remember the date well . It was 8 November 1938 , one day before Kristallnacht or Crystal Night , also known as The Night of Broken Glass . Over a two - day period , the SS and non - Jewish citizens throughout the country destroyed property owned by Jews . Storefronts were shattered ; homes entered and looted ; synagogues set afire . The property of Jews was easy to identify because their stores , houses and synagogues were painted with a yellow Star of David or the word Jude . When the rampage ended , the sunlight reflecting off the fragmented glass lying in the street gave it the look of broken crystal . Two thousand Jewish men had been arrested . Two thousand Jewish men . . . and me . On the final night of Kristallnacht , the SS - led by the storm trooper with the missing tooth - came for me . My mother cried and pleaded with them not to take me . I said nothing ; I knew what it was about . It was about revenge for a single punch in the face seven years earlier . The SS put me in jail and there I sat for a month before I was charged with treason to the Fatherland and being a " Jew lover . " Without a trial , I was sent to Dachau , which was located in southern Germany . At first , I was treated as any other prisoner . I was sent to a sub - camp and used as slave labor , hollowing out a mountain for a military installation . Then one day , two prison guards hauled me out of the mountain , transported me back to the main camp , and escorted me into the office of the camp commandant , Hauptsturmführer Piorkowski . I stood before his desk with a guard on either side of me . Piorkowski was reading a file and did not acknowledge our presence . I was hopeful that at last someone had realized my arrest had been a mistake , that it was due to a vengeful major of the SS . I had been in the camp five months by then and had lost forty pounds . I would not last much longer if I was not freed . Piorkowski smiled and asked if I knew how to make strudel . Of course I did , and I told him so . Again , he smiled and said , " We will see . " He told the guards to take me to the showers , get me a clean prison uniform , and escort me to the kantine . Turning to me he said , " This might be your lucky day . If you can make a decent strudel , I will take you out of the mountain and put you to baking for the officers and enlisted men . Our cooks are adequate , but none of them can make a proper strudel . And their breads are not much better . " After I cleaned up , the two guards took me to the main kitchen . There were two kitchens , the main one that prepared the SS 's food , and another one that did the same for the prisoners . Both were staffed by men of the Wehrmacht or regular army . The men of the Waffen - SS were above such things . Of course , prisoners could not be trusted to work around food considering the insufficient amount we were given . They would not have been able to help themselves and would have stolen more food than they prepared . When we arrived , one of the guards left and the other one told the cook on duty what the commandant wanted of me . The cook shrugged and pointed to a table next to a wall of ovens . The guard said , " You will find what you need under the table . " And he added , " The ovens are heated and ready to go . " He did not leave ; he just stood there and watched me work . The smells of the kitchen were driving me mad . I was hungry , very hungry , but I knew if I asked for something to eat , I would probably be beaten . Soon the strudels were ready for the oven . I had made twelve filled with cheese . As soon as they were done , I took the pan out of the oven and laid it on the table . The guard was a young private ; he was licking his lips as his eyes followed the strudels from oven to table . Then the cook came over . He looked at my work and took a strudel in hand . It was hot , but it did not seem to faze him . He took a bite , chewed and swallowed . Without saying a word , he nodded at me and went back to whatever it was he had been doing . It was all I could do not to shove a strudel into my mouth . Once they had cooled , the private took me and the strudels back to the commandant . This time we had to wait in the outer office for about fifteen minutes . But at least I was not in the mountain with a pickaxe in my hand and a machine gun at my back . At length , we were summoned into Piorkowski 's office . As we entered , the commandant told me to lay the pan on his desk . I could see that a place had been cleared for that purpose . Then he said , " If they taste half as good as they smell , you will have a new job here at our little camp . Now wait outside until called for . " The guard and I left Piorkowski to enjoy his strudels . When we were called back in , two of the strudels were gone , and Piorkowski had a smile on his face . " It is a good thing for you that you are not a Jew , " he said . The questioning look on my face must have prompted him to go on . " If you were a Jew , I couldn 't allow you in the kitchen . None of my men would eat anything that was touched by a Jew , no matter how tasty . " As I turned to leave , Piorkowski told the guard that after he brought me back to the kitchen , he could go about his regular duties . " I don 't think our new baker will try to escape because , if he did , then I 'd have to have him shot . " To me he said , " The head cook will tell you what you need to know . I 've instructed him to give you one meal a day , regular rations . We don 't want you getting too weak to make your wonderful strudel . " As I bent to pick up the tray with the remaining strudels , he told me to leave it . Then as an afterthought , he said , " Keep clean . I will give orders allowing you to shower every day . And when your uniform is soiled , ask for a clean one . I do not want dirt or lice falling onto what you bake . " I nodded , and the guard and I started out , but before we got to the door , Piorkowski asked , " How are you with pfeffernüsse ? " I told him I was the best with anything he wanted baked . Pfeffernüsse are spice cookies . When I answered him , there was an edge to my voice . I was still disappointed at not being released , but more so because he still doubted my ability even after tasting my strudel . His smile was quickly replaced with a frown . " Never use that tone of voice with me again or I 'll send you back to the mountain . Now get to work ! " I was brought back to the kitchen and placed in the hands of the head cook . He informed me of my duties . His main concern was bread . There were 1500 camp personnel , mostly SS , but there were also , as I have said , some Wehrmacht . He would need 1000 loaves per day . Of course , it was also going to be my duty to make desserts . Unless ordered to produce a particular dessert by the commandant , he would leave the decision of what to prepare up to me . He was a nice man , a sergeant in the Wehrmacht . He treated me as an equal the entire time I worked in his kitchen . His name was Joseph Müller . It was late in the afternoon , and there would be no more baking that day . They fired the ovens at 3 : 00 a . m . and that was when my day would begin . It would not end until I had everything baked for the evening meal , usually between 4 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . After he had finished showing me around and told me what was expected of me , I told him that I could not come up with 1000 loaves of bread per day and desserts for 1500 men twice a day , every day , without some help . Sgt . Müller said he had detailed six men to help me . He had told them to do what I said and pay no attention to the fact that I was a prisoner . It was the first time in five months that I had been treated like a human being and it brought a tear to my eye . Dachau was not a death camp like Auschwitz or Buchenwald were . It was a camp for political prisoners . Many died , but the deaths were mostly from disease and starvation . I felt guilty eating my one meal a day in the kitchen while my fellow prisoners lined up for their meager meal of watered - down soup . We were always hungry , but I had it a little better than the other prisoners . That is why , one afternoon when my work was done , I smuggled two loaves of bread from the kitchen and brought them to my barracks . My intent was to feed a few poor souls . But when the people saw what I had , a riot broke out . People were shoving and stepping over one another to get to me . The loaves were wrenched from my hands before I was five steps into the barracks . Of course , with all the commotion , the guards came in , and when they saw what was happening and what had caused the disturbance , I was brought before Piorkowski . " So that is how you repay my kindness ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went on . " One more incident like we had this afternoon , I will hang you in the yard and your body will stay there until it rots . It will serve as a reminder to the other prisoners that my will is law , and anyone who breaks my law will suffer a similar fate . " After he had finished speaking , he seemed calmer and in a softer voice he said , " Seeing as how you love your fellow prisoners so much , you can eat with them for the next four days . But after that , you can go back to your meal in the kitchen . I don 't want you too weak to work . " When I returned to the barracks , no one would meet my eyes or speak with me . They were ashamed for the way they had acted and resentful of me for being the cause of their shame . But I could not blame them . Hunger is a terrible thing . To be hungry day in and day out , with no relief in sight , will take away one 's humanity . Six other commandants followed Piorkowski , and they all kept me baking my breads and strudels . That is how I survived Dachau . I did not starve to death because I ate relatively well . Besides my daily meal , I snuck cheese and fruits meant for the strudels and a piece of bread now and then . I had to be careful because , if caught , I 'd be reported . Sgt . Müller knew what I was doing , but as I 've said before , he was a good man . I did not succumb to disease because of my diet and the fact that I showered daily . The commandant and the SS officers left in the morning ; the Americans came in the afternoon . The first thing the Americans did once they had control of the camp was separate the men of the Wehrmacht from the SS . Then they stood forty - five men of the SS up against a wall and executed them . At the time I did not speak English , but a prisoner who did told me why the SS were shot . A half mile from the camp , the Americans had come upon railroad cars that were locked and standing idle . When the cars were opened , there lay two thousand dead Jews . They had been left locked in the cars with no water or food for three weeks . Many of the Americans retched from the smell of feces and rotting flesh . Many more were sick just from the horrible sight . So when the Americans liberated our camp , they were not feeling too kindly towards members of the SS . In fact , they stood around and watched , and did not interfere , when prisoners who were not too weak or too sick attacked SS guards that had been rounded up and herded into the roll call yard . When the SS men were dead , one man who took part in the killings , came towards me holding a shovel , shouting that I was a Nazi lover . He would have struck me , but another prisoner came between us . He held up his hand and said , pointing to me , " This man has done nothing against any of us . He did what he had to do to stay alive . You were not here at the time , but , at great risk to himself , he brought bread to us . He was found out and told that he would be executed if he did it again . What would you have done differently , my friend ? " The man dropped the shovel , buried his face in his hands and cried . I think he was crying because at last the horror was over and once again he could live as a human being and not as a feral animal . We could not leave the camp because the war was still raging all around us . The Americans were fighting their way to Berlin . My mother was in Berlin and I wanted to see her again so badly . We could not leave , but we were fed three meals a day , and the Americans brought in medical personnel to treat the sick . Half the camp was down with typhus . The war ended about two weeks later when Admiral Dönitz unconditionally surrendered . Hitler had appointed him head of state in his will . We were free to leave the camp , but before we could go , we had to queue up and get a card stating that we were ex - prisoners . This was done because many SS men had discarded their uniforms and were claiming to be soldiers of the Wehrmacht . There was no train service because the tracks had all been bombed . So I started walking to Berlin . It was a three - hundred - and - fifty - mile walk . It was also a most interesting walk . Along the way , I saw what the war - or more to the point - what Hitler had done to our country . There was devastation of one sort or another in all the cities . The countryside for the most part looked untouched . But wherever I went , people were hungry . And so was I . I stole vegetables from some farms and received handouts from others . There was no food to be had in the towns or the cities , at least not for me . I was stopped numerous times by allied soldiers . Even though I had the card stating I was an ex - prisoner , I was asked on more than one occasion to remove my coat and shirt and raise my arms . The soldiers were looking for the tattoo of the SS . All SS men had the symbol tattooed on the inside of their biceps . Some soldiers let me pass without checking for the tattoo because of my thin frame . It was obvious that I had not been eating very well or very much for a long while . All members of the SS were well fed . It took me eighteen days to reach the outskirts of Berlin . I thought I had seen devastation on my journey , but I was not prepared for what I beheld as I walked the streets of Berlin . The city had been thoroughly destroyed . There was not a building left intact , and the people were walking around in a state of shock . I went right to my former home to find only a crater and half of a wall standing where my house should have been . My mother was nowhere to be seen . I prayed that she had not been in the building when the bomb struck . I spent the rest of the day walking the streets looking for my mother before I had to stop because of darkness . I found a cellar that was unoccupied . Even though the floor was rough and hard , I slept through the night . I was awakened by an excited clamor up in the street ; many people talking . I brushed the dust off my clothes and went to see what was happening . There was a line of people waiting to be fed . At the front of the line were American soldiers ladling out what looked to be soup . I hurriedly got to the end of the line and asked the man in front of me what was going on . " Isn 't it obvious ? The Americans are feeding us so that we don 't devolve into cannibalism , " he said with a slight grin on his face . He went on to tell me that twice a day , at various locations , they dished out just enough food to keep a person alive . Then he looked at my empty hands and added , ' Unless you are going to carry your soup in those , I would recommend you find a bowl somewhere . " By then there were about twenty people behind me and I hated to give up my place , but he was right , so I left the line . I had to go only a block before I found what I was after . It was in a destroyed building on the ground floor . I went to where the kitchen had been and moved bricks around until I found a pie tin . Next , I looked for a spoon . I was throwing bricks aside as fast as I could . I was in a panic that the soup would run out before I could get back . Then I found what I was looking for . There was only one problem . The spoon was attached to a woman 's hand , a dead woman 's hand . It was all that I could see . The rest of her body was buried under a pile of bricks . I had seen many a dead body over the last five years , so one more did not shock me . And I am ashamed to say it , but I took the spoon from her cold , dead hand and hurried back to the food line without another thought of her . As I said , hunger is a terrible thing and a man will do terrible things to alleviate the pain . That was my life for the next month . I would line up twice a day for something to eat , usually soup . When I wasn 't in line , I would search for my mother . At night , I slept in an air raid shelter with two hundred other displaced Berliners . The occupiers had converted all the shelters into sleeping quarters . Unless you were extremely sick , you were not allowed to be there during the day . On all the light posts were notices put up by people looking for lost family members . I borrowed a pencil from a nice woman and found some paper that I tore into four pieces . I wrote my name , my mother 's name , and a short message on each piece , saying that she should meet me at the house where we used to live . I then placed one of them on the wall left standing at our old house and the other three on different light posts around the city . For as long as I was in Berlin , I went to where our house had stood every day , even long after my plaintive notices had blown away . It wasn 't long before the Americans told us that all able - bodied people would have to work if they wanted to eat . I was given a wheelbarrow and told to collect bricks and deposit them in neat stacks at a certain location . I wasn 't the only one doing so . Men and women all over Berlin were doing the same thing . I think the work that the Americans had us do was as much about keeping us occupied as it was about cleaning up Berlin . But there was no shortage of bricks , and I kept busy in that fashion for the next five months . At the end of each day , I was given a piece of paper that allowed me to get in the worker 's line for food ; a little more food was doled out there than at the other food lines . After six months in Berlin , I had given up hope of ever finding my mother . If she were alive , she would have been at our old house waiting for me long before I even got back to the city . It was time to get on with my life . I was a baker , not a brick picker - upper . And as things were , there was no need of my services in Berlin , nor would there be for the foreseeable future . By the time I came to that decision , some of the railroad tracks had been repaired , and there was limited train service , but only for commercial reasons . I hid in an open car that was carrying coal and heading northwest . The train stopped in Cuxhaven , a small seaport town on the North Sea . On the spur of the moment , I decided I would try to get to another country . Germany had been destroyed and without my mother , there was nothing to keep me there . But first , I would need some money . It was about a year after the war . I had decided that I wanted to go to America . I had been working on the docks for a little over six months and still did not have enough saved for my passage . I worked hard and I got to know a few of the captains that frequented the port . One captain in particular , Captain Hans Becker . One day he invited me to come to his cabin when the loading of his ship was completed . " Come and have a glass of schnapps with me when you are done , " he bellowed from the bridge . I took a sip of my schnapps and thought for a moment before answering . " I cook for myself every night . I do not waste money eating out . I am saving for my passage to America . " " I don 't see why not . I am able - bodied and can support myself . It is a big country , I am sure they can use one more baker . " Hans poured me another glass of schnapps and said , " I am sailing for America in two days , and I need a cook . If you agree not to poison my crew , you can sign on . We will be in America for two weeks before returning . It will give you a chance to see if you like the country , and you will be earning the whole way there and back with no expenses for lodging or food . You will be able to put more away than if you stayed here . " It was a fast crossing . We pulled into New York Harbor just seven days after leaving Cuxhaven . The customs people came on board before we had even finished tying our lines to the dock . They checked Hans ' paperwork and when they saw that he was carrying industrial parts from the IG Farben Company as part of the war reparations , we were quickly documented and told to enjoy ourselves while in New York City . IG Farben was the company that made the poison gas used in the death camps . At first I had trouble adjusting to the tall buildings . I had never seen anything like them before , except in the moving pictures that came from America prior to the war . I soon began to love the city . Whenever I had the time , I would stroll the streets and observe the people . They were all so intent with their lives . Rushing to wherever it was they were going . I wondered if they knew how lucky they were that the war had not affected America like it had Germany . One day while walking in a part of the city that I later learned was known as Little Germany , I happened upon a bakery . The smells coming from inside reminded me of Herr Hoffman 's shop . I went in not knowing how I was going to make myself understood . At the time , I still spoke no English . However , I need not have worried . The shop was empty but for a man behind the counter who asked me , in German , what I would like . I told him I was just over from the Fatherland and it was good to hear my native tongue spoken in America . When he heard that I had been in Germany just a week earlier , he asked me to sit down at a little table by the window and excused himself . He was back in less than a minute with two cups of coffee and a plate of cinnamon cookies . He had seen newsreels and read the papers . He wanted to know all about how things were back home . He asked if it was true that Germany had been totally destroyed . I told him what I had seen from one end of the country to the other , especially what was done to Berlin . He sat there and listened to me without interruption and without touching his coffee . As soon as I had finished speaking , he took my cup , went behind the counter and refilled it . When he took his seat again , he asked about me personally . Was I immigrating to America ? What had I done during the war , and a thousand other questions . We spoke the afternoon away . By the time I realized that I would be late getting back to the ship , I had learned that he was a Jew and had left Germany two years after Hitler came to power . He had seen the handwriting on the wall . And I told him that , like him , I was a baker . He said he had things he wanted to talk to me about , but I didn 't have the time then , so I agreed to come back to his shop the following day . The baker 's name was Herman Klein . He would turn out to be the best friend I would ever have . I arrived early the next day , and the shop was busy . There were at least fifteen people in line and Herr Klein could not serve them fast enough . When I saw one lady get frustrated at the wait and walk out , I joined Herr Klein behind the counter and helped him serve his customers . At last , the shop was empty . Herr Klein poured two cups of coffee , and we resumed our seats by the window . After blowing on his coffee to cool it a bit , he said to me , " If you would like to stay here in America , I think I can fix it for you . I can vouch for you and tell the authorities that you have a job with me so that you will not be a burden on the people of this great country . And when they find out that you were in one of the camps , they are bound to let you stay . " " My wife died before I left Germany , and I have no children . I 'm over - working myself and I could use some help , but good bakers are hard to come by . If you come in with me and we get along , I will give you a 25 % partnership in my business after six months . " When it was my turn to say something , I could think of nothing to say . I desperately wanted to take him up on his offer , but I had a commitment to Hans . I told Herman that I would have to discuss the matter with my captain , but whatever the outcome , I wanted him to know that I was deeply moved by the proposition . That night , Hans only laughed when I told him that I did not think I could stay in America because it would leave him without a cook . " Listen , my friend . You would be a fool not to take Herr Klein 's offer . The crossing is seven days , I think we can manage that long without a cook . The men can take turns doing the honors . It might be interesting to see what they come up with . " That is how I ended up in America . I was allowed to stay because I had money , a job , and a sponsor . Herman was right - having been a prisoner would help my case . When I showed the man who was interviewing me the card stating that I had been at Dachau , I saw something in his eyes , something sad . Herman taught me English and when I was proficient enough , I took the citizenship classes to learn about this wonderful country and its history . Six months to the day after I started working for him , Herman gave me a 25 % interest in the bakery . It was official ; his lawyer had drawn up the papers . I became a proud citizen of the United States on 9 February 1947 . I was forty - nine years old . Herman and I worked together for ten years . He was nineteen years older than I and in the fall of 1957 when he was seventy - eight , Herman announced that he could take the cold no longer and was retiring to Florida . He sold me his interest in the shop , but no cash changed hands . Our agreement was that I would send him a check every month to cover his expenses with a little left over . If I sold the shop , then I would send him his percentage of the proceeds . This time there was no lawyer involved . It was a handshake deal . Two years later , Herman died in his sleep . . . two days after his eightieth birthday . I was listed as his next of kin and was duly notified of his passing . I closed the shop for a few days and flew to Florida to bury my friend under the warm Florida sun . I was sixty - one - years - old . I ran the shop until I was eighty - five . Of course , I had help . I trained a young man to be a master baker and ended up selling him the shop with no money down . He sent me a check every month for ten years . I told you the story of my life so that anyone who hears these words will understand that I know whereof I speak . I lived through two of the worst periods in human history . And they took place only twenty years apart . The first , of course , being what was then known as the Great War . I saw the carnage first hand . In that war , nine million men were slain . The second occurrence of man 's inhumanity to man was the second great war . Sixty million men , women , and children died in that war , including the eleven million human beings that perished in the concentration camps . To my point : All that suffering and all those deaths came about because of fear . I was young at the time , but I remember the election of 1912 . The left - wing Social Democratic Party made huge gains in that election . The right - wing Prussians feared a loss of power and started agitating for war to distract the populace . Terms like " nationalism " and " territorial rights " were used . We Germans began to fear that there was not enough land . We felt that we had to take land from others so that we would have enough for ourselves . It is ironic , or maybe not , but that is the same argument Hitler used when he had his army march into Czechoslovakia . He wanted land for the German people . It was fear of not having enough space in which to live that caused the death of nine million men and seriously wounded another twenty - two million . And here we are one hundred years later and there is plenty for everyone . All wars are fought because of fear . Hitler did not hate the Jews , he feared them . He feared the left - wingers , and he feared anyone that was not just like him . Unfortunately , there were too many people in Germany at that time who had the same fears . That is how concentration camps come about . Concentrate those who are different from you behind fences of barbed wire . In Germany , we gave up our civil liberties through the Enabling Act because of fear . The Reichstag had just been torched , and we were all fearful . Fearful of what , we were not quite sure . We were definitely afraid of the Jews , but our other fears were not so self - evident . We believed our leaders knew best , so we allowed them to take our freedoms in the hope that they would protect us . And once you give up your rights to a government - any government - it is very hard to get them back . Here in America , this beautiful adopted land of mine , we gave up our civil liberties after 9 / 11 through the Patriot Act , another act that was born of fear . Like the Enabling Act , it was supposed to lapse after four years . And like the Enabling Act , it is not going anywhere . In Germany , it was the Jews . Now many of us here fear Muslims . I am not saying that America is on the verge of another Hitler . What I am saying , and this is from an old man on his way out who has seen it all and lived it all , what I am saying is this : Come from a place of love not fear . I am one hundred and three years old as I speak these words , and I can still get around . I walked to a pawnshop not far from where I live and bought this recorder . It is a cassette recorder . The man in the store told me they were obsolete , so he gave me a good price . I bought it to say just one thing . I have to say it now because tomorrow I will be either in heaven or in hell , I do not know which , but wherever I am , you will not be able to hear my words . So I speak them into this microphone to be placed on a tape , and I pray that someone , someday , somewhere will hear them . Not only hear my words , but also heed them . This is what I spent the better part of an hour getting to : There is only love and fear . That is all . All negative emotions come from fear ; jealousy , hatred , greed , just to name a few . Fear of not having enough , fear of not being loved enough , fear of someone that is different from us , fear of someone who worships a different God than we do . There is only fear and love . I tell you : Live your life with love . The kind of love a mother has for her child . The kind of love that a man has who jumps in front a bullet to save his friend ; love like Mother Teresa had for the poor of this world . The love that Jesus had when he laid down his life . Good Morning readers and happy Saturday to you . Today 's review is of the sequel to the book Redemption by Andrew Joyce . As always not reading the first book first can make this a little difficult but I will review as a standalone novel and hope I can paint a picture of what this book conveyed to me as a reader . As always comments , questions , criticisms , pop them all in the comment box below . Molly is an eighteen - year - old girl living on her family 's farm in Virginia when two deserters from the Southern Cause enter her life . One of them - a twenty - four - year - old Huck Finn - ends up saving her virtue , if not her life . Molly is so enamored with Huck , she wants to run away with him . But Huck has other plans and is gone the next morning before she awakens . Thus starts a sequence of events that leads Molly into adventure after adventure ; most … I don 't think it would be necessarily fair to describe Andrew Joyce 's Molly Lee as historical fiction . Sure enough there are elements of a Wild West historical era that plays out in the backgrounds of the lives that are unfolding as the pages turn , but Molly Lee is more than the aforementioned genre . It 's a fusion of styles and formulas that have resulted in a new kind of hybrid of storytelling : the mash - up spaghetti western . Joyce 's expertly crafted Molly Lee is almost like a character study in heroism , replete with flaws aplenty . Choosing to have a female protagonist instead of the usual male - dominated one in these types of genres is the first clue that Molly Lee is unlike any other character you 've ever met before . She 's stubborn and gutsy , dedicated and passionate . It 's funny that these traits are used to describe Molly Lee since they are the usual traits that … |
I 've written a lot about doors . Secret passages , locked doors that contain various secrets , portals to other places … It 's definitely a recurring theme in my work . So imagine my surprise at finding something that wouldn 't be out of place in my work showing up in my apartment . My girlfriend and I were moving in together for the first time , and we 'd finally found an affordable place with enough space in the right neighborhood . We leased the apartment without looking at it , so we didn 't notice it when we first moved in . Not even when we were doing our walkthrough with the checklist the office had given us . Looking for chipped paint , broken blinds , etc . Maybe it was just the shift in lighting after we got the bedside lamp set up . Eventually , though , we spotted a small seam in the wall . There it was . A vertical line , a slight indentation too deep to just be in the paint . " Oh , damn . Yeah , it is . It 's like they patched the wall over here , and didn 't care that you 'd be able to see a gap in the drywall . Weird . " We didn 't think about it for a while after that . Occasionally , we 'd smell smoke , though , like the next door neighbor was enjoying being in Colorado ( despite lease clauses ) . Then , there was a revelation . " I don 't know . Maybe it was a leftover from when the construction guys were building the apartment . A way between this one and the one next door without having to go back into the hall . " My girlfriend even asked the leasing office about it . The agent who came to look at it had no clue it had ever been there . We pulled the bed away from the wall , and the lines ran all the way to the floor . It was unmistakably a door . Filled with drywall and painted , yes . But a door . That was when we looked up at the ceiling and noticed the scratches in the popcorn ceiling . Gouges several inches long , spaced closely together , about a foot from the filled - in door . Another group of them a few feet away , nearer to the entrance to the bedroom . Almost like something had crawled across the ceiling from the door to the not - quite - door … Or been pulled … This one 's another entry for one of Chuck Wendig 's Terrible Minds Writing Challenges . We were given two lists of twenty words , picking one from each list to create a random title . After a day of brainstorming , the final line popped into my head . So , here you are . It 's a flash piece , really . Not even 500 words , but I like it . I hope you do too . They met as children , wandering across the meadow that connected their parents ' farms . They became friends instantly , each thrilled to have the other to talk to , to share in the collective adventure that is youth . Rain or shine , they would meet . Every day during the summer , and every free moment during the school year , they were together . One would wait for the other at the old apple tree in the middle of the meadow . Borrowing tools and parts from their parents , they built a tree house . It would shelter them from the rain and shade them from the sun more than the tree could alone . The apples fed them when they wished to remain away from home . They took great care to plant the seeds when they could , and in time , they sprouted . They grew older , and closer together . High school brought them a series of new challenges . They each began work on the farm , learning the trades of their mothers and fathers . In between tasks in the fields , they tended the burgeoning orchard that was now growing Soon , the summer day arrived when they shared their first kiss , hidden from a thunderstorm inside their tree house . Time passed , and their love grew stronger . Though they could no longer both fit inside the tree house , they could still spend a hot afternoon sleeping beside each other in the shade of the tree 's branches . School came to an end , but still they stayed on , neither willing to part for more than a few days at a time . As their parents grew older , they took over the farms together , consolidating and focusing on the apple orchard . Years became decades , and the two grew old . They still made and sold apple pie and cider with apples that they grew , having sold the rest of their parents ' farmland , save for what had been the meadow . Children visiting the orchard would play in the tree house while the grownups shopped and sampled . In the quiet evenings , the lovers would meet again , beneath the tree where it had all began . They would sit and hold hands and talk about how quickly the world had gone by . One winter day , it was time for them to say their final goodbyes to each other . They kissed one final time , pledged their love . The cold took them both , there under the branches of the ancient apple tree , fingers entwined as the roots below . They were buried there , as they had wished for years to lie together . This one 's for Chuck Wendig 's Terrible Minds Writing Challenge . Our instructions were to write a sci - fi story about a dragon , only not necessarily a mythical one . It 's a short piece , well under the 2 , 000 word limit , but it was something that came to mind immediately after reading the challenge prompt . " I was there that day . They said that there 'd been nothing like it since the old calendar , since the bombings on Earth . I never saw footage of those , but I 've heard statistics . It amaze me still to realize that we used to live in such numbers that the loss of a couple hundred would be considered relatively insignificant . That that could 've been the better option . I don 't know what exactly this new weapon was . Just the name all of the news outlets on the colony gave it . The dragon . " " Yes , she was the first one to call it that on the intrasystem media . I asked her about it afterward . She said it seemed like a good fit . Something so destructive that it couldn 't possibly be real . She was never the same after that day . Nightmares kept her from sleeping , and eventually she just … she couldn 't stop seeing them . " " The smell . I 'll never forget the smell . Melting metal , charred flesh . I can 't eat barbecue anymore . The masks could only filter out so much , and we didn 't have them for the first wave . And the heat . Even when we got the bunker gear , we couldn 't stay on site for too long . Dozens of folks were dropping just from the heat . " " We all were . There weren 't enough of us . We didn 't have adequate supplies , or enough people . How can you plan for a disaster on that sort of scale when there 's been nothing like it used for centuries ? " " Once , when I was a kid . They told us that no one had ever done anything on that sort of a destructive scale since . People kept pointing to those two bombs as one of the worst things that humanity ever did to itself . I wish they 'd been right , that we 'd never come up with anything worse . " " Well , there was no way we 'd ever have the rescue equipment or the medical supplies to treat burns of that intensity on that large of a site . No colony would . The governors would never allow the funding for recovery for a disaster that they couldn 't foresee , and half of them are too young to have learned about the bombings back on Earth . They 'd dismiss them out of hand and say that we should be prepped for real emergencies . Loss of atmosphere , gravity failure . Things that you expect to happen on an orbiting colony . Not the heat , not a fire so sudden and massive that it burns through 85 % of your oxygen supply in a matter of seconds . Not some lunatic trying to hurt or kill everyone . We were damn lucky we didn 't lose the whole colony . " " We had to . 12 hour shifts and then some , to start . You know how critical the first hours are in a recovery effort . More people died , but we kept trying . We had to , damn it . We had to know that we were doing our best . It was the only way we could keep going . " " I don 't think anyone could have predicted it . My understanding is that the work on the project was so compartmentalized that no one team could 've put together a solid idea of the whole . Different groups of engineers and scientists working on components on different planets and colonies . No communications other than what was absolutely necessary would 've been allowed . Tell one team they 're working on one project under one code name . Take their work and have an unaffiliated group start working on it from there under a different code name . Never let the right hand know what the left is doing , you know . " " In the initial burst ? Estimates say over half a million . The Dragon 's Breath , the mishmash of various ailments people caught in the aftermath is still killing people . Nearly double that . " I could see the dust clouds rising in the distance long before I heard the slow rise and fall of the sirens . On the plains , you can see forever . I ran back into my grandfather 's house and grabbed the binoculars from their place on the back of his dining room chair ( where they would always be close by so that he could watch birds at the edges of his property or approaching storms rolling in over the nearby towns to the west ) . Looping the carrying strap over my shoulder , I dashed back outside and scrambled up the television antenna next to the house . Stepping across the gap to the green - shingled roof , I climbed to the apex and brought the binoculars up to my eyes . There ! They were still several miles away , but getting closer by the second . A quick adjustment of the focus knob brought the cars into sharper view . There were four of them ; three were police cars with their lights flashing a staccato red and blue rhythm . Leading them all was one car that I can only describe as a cherry red Detroit dream , with outrageous fins and chrome surfaces catching the August sun and threatening to blind me . It had to have been customized . There was no way the stock engine would have given him the speed he had . The driver was pulling away from the cops , clearly outmatching them in both skill and machine . He was using them against each other on the narrow dirt roads , using his speed to thwart any of their attempts to outmaneuver him . Closer now , and I adjusted the binoculars again until I could make out the writing on the police cruisers . Two were local , town cops having apparently joined a sheriff 's deputy in the chase . His car was superior to theirs , but the county roads were clearly not familiar to him either . I knew them well . My dad had taught me to drive on that stretch of road . I knew full well where the neighboring farmers ' sprinklers caught the gravel beyond the edge of their fields , washing away some of the stable surface of the road or turning the low - lying stretches into very small swamps . I knew the intersections where the corn grew tall in the late summer , blocking a driver 's view of any oncoming traffic . I knew where the semis driving through had turned the road into a washboard until the next time the county could send a road grader through to smooth it out again . There were dead ends lurking where anyone not paying attention would find themselves flying off an embankment and into a ditch . Even if you spotted any of the hazards , there was no guarantee that hitting your brakes would keep you safe . I knew that the cops didn 't drive out into the country unless they absolutely had to . An occasional domestic violence call when a wife had finally found the courage to seek help , a child who had wandered farther from home than usual , a controlled burn getting out of hand when the wind shifted suddenly ; these sort of things , they were used to dealing with . A high - speed chase down narrow , unpaved roads ? Not so much . Now they were coming up to the Ackers ' farm and I could finally hear the shifting pitch of the sirens . I felt my heart beating faster as the older car pulled farther ahead , adrenaline surging as I imagined myself in the driver 's seat , laughing out loud as I saw one of the city cops skid and spin a 180 into the ditch , hurting only his car and his pride . The other cop and the deputy managed to keep themselves on an even course , but the driver in the red car had gained nearly a half a mile . The cars were close enough to see without the binoculars now , so I let them hang around my neck and watched anxiously as the red car swerved to the left at the edge of my grandfather 's tree line , dust flying as he stomped on his brake pedal in an impossible U - turn onto our property . The deputy and his cohort sped past , losing track of their prey in the cloud he 'd kicked up . The driver , a long - haired man in a backwards baseball cap , was grinning like a madman as he wove past the John Deere outside of the shop , past the end of the paved driveway , and back out onto the road , back east toward Ackers ' again . Soon he was just a column of dust on the horizon . I raised the binoculars and watched him fade into the distance as the officers too late realized their mistake and changed direction , climbed back down the antenna and went inside . My grandparents were drinking coffee and watching Murder She Wrote with the blinds shut , and I doubted that they 'd even noticed the events of the last few minutes , so I made a point of not mentioning it to them , sitting down with them and watching the rest of the show instead . I had never seen the car before , and I never saw it again . Same for the laughing man behind the wheel . I checked the local newspaper the following Wednesday , but there was no mention of the chase in the city or sheriff 's reports . I like to think that whoever he was , wherever he was from , he 'd wanted a little adventure for the day , and he somehow found a way to share it with me . To this day , I wonder what it must have felt like to have the thrill and uncertainty of that pursuit , not knowing if he 'd be able to make the turns and courting death with every second . I 'll never forget the roar of the engine calling to me as I stared at the taillights , the smell of tires grinding into gravel . When I go back to the farm , I still climb up to the roof and watch for him , binoculars in hand , waiting to see that Detroit dream one more time . This piece was written for Chuck Wendig 's latest Terrible Minds Writing Challenge . Thank you for reading . Don 't forget to check out the other entries ! That 's what my grandmother used to say , anyway . " The river stole Them away from us , and left us alone . Left us to survive without Them . " They had belonged to our people for centuries , longer than we 'd been maintaining a record of our tribe . I still remembered the stories that we would hear every night , that the elders of the village would share . Stories of how the gods came to be , what They did . The First of the gods had come to us from the river , so it never seemed strange to me that the river had taken Them back . It was perfectly logical to me , but I was always a bit strange , according to my brother . The First was born to us from the reeds and the mud , given shape by the flowing water that still sustains our village . The sun looked down and saw the shape , and baked Him into hard clay , and the full moon looked down on the empty body and saw fit to give Him a soul , and then the moon began to wane , and He rose up and made His seven sisters and brothers in the same manner . Soon , all of the gods had been given Their shape , with the First asking the sun to dry Them , and the moon to give Them souls as well . The sun complied willingly , for the sun is always hot again with each new day , but the moon replied that there was but one soul left , and that it was the moon 's own soul , for there could be nothing more given until the moon was full again . So the First god took His own soul and broke it into eight pieces on a rock at midnight , when the moon was gone , for He could not wait for the moon to return with new souls . My grandmother told us that this was supposed to be a lesson about patience , but I never really understood why . I wanted to ask her if the rock the First had used to break His soul was still there , if she knew where He had done it . Instead , I 'd just smile and nod and encourage my brother to do the same so that she wouldn 't yell at us for not learning from her stories . Father and Mother would have spanked us , so even the yelling was preferred if it came to that . One fraction of the First 's soul , He took back into Himself . The remaining seven fragments were given to His brothers and sisters , and once They too possessed souls , They stood by His side . Together , They then set about naming all of the things , and dividing the world into parts that each of Them would oversee . The seas , the skies , the stars , the earth , the plants , the beasts , time . Each of the First 's siblings was god of these things . The First presided over Them all , giving Them guidance , since He was connected to all of Them through His soul . For centuries , our people lived in peace under Their rule , and They would return to our village every month to visit the place of Their birth . " We would watch Them from a great distance , and we could see that every one of Them stood at least twice as tall as my father , who was the tallest man in the village , " my grandmother said . " And we would hide , but still try to see what They were doing . Their gatherings always lasted from sunrise to moonrise , as They honored the place of Their birth . They appeared at dawn , They stood at the river 's edge in the mud from which They were formed , and They vanished as the moon took its place in the sky . " We asked my grandmother to describe Them , beyond Their great height . " They were the color of the river , bright when the sun shone on Them , blending with the night save for a subtle shimmer when it didn 't . They were beautiful . " The gods were kind , benevolent , and very slow to anger . My grandmother only knew of one time when They had seen fit to punish any of the people of our village , just before the river took Them . It was harvest time , and one of the men of the village had been found having killed his neighbor . Murder was unheard of in the village . Death was not uncommon , but it was not the explicit realm of any of the gods , and so it was deemed to be something far beyond the control of men . After all , if the gods have no power over a thing , what hope does man have of controlling it ? When this man was found with another 's blood on his hands , he was locked away until the next time the gods came . The villagers had no idea that it was going to be the last time . The gods returned as was Their fashion , and instead of hiding from them , my grandmother 's father stood near where he knew they would appear . When They arrived , he called out to them , and my grandmother and the others hid in the usual place . " My father spoke to them , " she says , " but we couldn 't hear him or Them from our hiding place . Eventually he came back to us , saying that the First had demanded the murderer be brought to him . We brought him out , and my father took him to where the gods waited for them . They looked at the man , and instructed my father to come back to hide with us . " Here she always grows sad . " We heard the rushing sound of the water , and saw the gods step into the middle of the river , the killer up to his neck . There was a great rush of white and blue , and when the surge passed , there was no one left . No murderer , no vengeful gods . We never saw any of Them again after the river stole Them away . Punished him , and punished us all by leaving us here without Them . " Note : This story was written for a " Story from a Sentence " challenge from Chuck Wendig over at terribleminds . He hosts similar challenges weekly , and I 'm trying to get back into the rhythm of writing for them . Hopefully more microfiction will continue to arrive here on a somewhat consistent basis . Thanks for reading ! The casket was made of steel , polished and gleaming blue in the June sun . I didn 't know the man inside , but I knew of him . Everyone in town knew about the house where he 'd lived for the last forty years . My dad told stories of how , as a teen , he and his friends had dared each other to enter Mr . Walter 's yard , to approach the house , to lift the brass knocker on the door , to steal a sprig of foxglove from the sunken garden . He told me that he 'd won almost a hundred dollars over the course of a single summer . I didn 't feel brave enough to tell him that I 'd never made it beyond the fence , but I always nodded every time he mentioned some detail of the grounds . Mr . Walter 's funeral was simple . He was buried in the graveyard a quarter mile outside of town . Pastor Mikalsen came to do the service , and my dad and I were the only mourners , unless you count Zeek , the gravedigger ( who only has the job because he lives nearby and owns a backhoe ) . I guess that 's what happens when you spend most of your life as a hermit , even in a small town . No one wants to come to say goodbye . Dad said he felt obligated after antagonizing the old man for most of his own youth . We didn 't even dress up , since we 'd been out working on one of our tractors all morning . Two mourners whose only black attire that afternoon consisted of grease - stained jeans and t - shirts . I told Dad that I 'd walk home after the service was over , and that I wanted to have a little while to think . He gave me an understanding nod and climbed back into the pickup , calling for Pastor Mikalsen and his wife to join us for dinner that evening as he drove away . I watched as the pastor followed him back to town before asking Zeek if he needed a hand . When he waved me off , I wandered the few uneven rows of remaining stones . I 'd always loved spending time in the little cemetery , even waking up early on Saturdays in my youth to ride my bike there . My great - grandfather and great - grandmother were buried there , and I soon found myself standing before their headstone . Zeek finished piling the last of the dirt on top of Mr . Walter and headed off toward home , the backhoe serving as his transportation for the afternoon , and I was finally alone with my thoughts . I sat down in front of my great - grandparents ' grave and looked at the dates carved in the dark marble . They 'd died less than a year apart , and only a few months after I was born . Dad didn 't talk about them much , and all I really knew was that we lived in their old house . Mom talked about her side of the family even less , though I suspected she had good reason for keeping such things to herself , and never prodded her about it . She might as well have been an orphan for all I actually knew about her relatives . I didn 't mind too much , because it meant a hell of a lot fewer road trips across the country to see them . There are only so many times you can drive across Nebraska before it starts to take a toll on you . After a few minutes , I stood up and dusted myself off . I made a final round of the cemetery , being careful not to walk on the freshly packed soil where Mr . Walter now resided . I set off down the road for home when inspiration struck , and I started walking the opposite direction . Soon I stood before the towering home the old man had once occupied . Daylight , I mused , made all the difference in approaching the building . Even on a bright afternoon , the place loomed over the grounds . The wrought iron gate where I stood was marked with a massive stylized " W , " itself in turn decorated with an intaglio of ivy . I traced it with my fingers , feeling the textures of the etched metal . With a brief glance over my shoulder , I gave the gate a gentle push until it opened . That was all it took . I felt a surge of confidence as I slipped into the yard , leaving the open gate behind me . I was in Mr . Walter 's yard . Remembering Dad 's stories , I headed for the back of the house , following the flagstone path that led to the sunken garden . I pulled my phone from my pocket , snapping a few pictures along the way . To say that it was beautiful did no justice to the place . I realized that Mr . Walter must have maintained everything himself until his death , and that he had clearly poured all of his energy into that garden . While the rest of the yard , and the house itself , had fallen into some state of disrepair , the garden was pristine . A jeweled mosaic decorated one of the walls , sapphire , topaz , amethyst , and a half - dozen other stones set in patterns resembling flowers . Ivy grew around it , but had been carefully cleared away from the mosaic itself . I could have lost myself in thought in that garden , but I had work to do before the light faded . Finding a patch of the famous foxglove , I picked a handful and headed back to the gate . The walk back to the cemetery took only a few minutes . I laid the flowers down at Mr . Walter 's grave , knowing that the chances of anyone else ever doing to same for him were slim . I didn 't know the man in the steel casket beneath my feet , but I knew of him . Everyone in town did , but I wouldn 't forget him . Somebody had to remember the dead , after all . When our houses are torn down , and our gardens are left untended , eventually only memory will remain , though that too will fade . ( This piece was written for a flash fiction challenge hosted by the inimitable Chuck Wendig . We were given ten words , and instructed to pick five of them to include in a 1 , 000 word short story . I used topaz , orphan , casket , hermit , and foxglove . ) Today 's entry is a response to the latest Terrible Minds Writing Challenge , and comes to you courtesy of the wonderful Chuck Wendig . We were instructed to choose a word from each of two columns of ten words . These two words would give us our title for a thousand - word story . From there , we were free to choose genre , setting , etc . so long as the title was composed of those two randomly selected words . It is with great pleasure that I present to you " The Apocalypse Mechanism . " I found myself hypnotized by the button . It sat there all day , just peeking up at me from beneath its warning label - emblazoned plastic cover . The labels said " Do Not Push " . The button seemed to say the exact opposite , but I knew what would happen if I pressed it . Hell , the alarm system would engage the second the cover was flipped open So I stared at it . Me versus the button . The greatest showdown never to be broadcast live on television , though one documentary maker had come down to film my little chamber about a year and a half after I started . Our little chamber , I suppose . Marco and I took turns . I don 't know if he stared at the button the way I did like I was looking deep into the eyes of the lover I could never have . We never talked about it . He only spoke Italian , and I only spoke English . He had the other key . I wore mine around my neck . I think he did too , but again , we didn 't exactly have the best of conversations , or any conversations , for that matter . Language barriers and whatnot . Pretty sure the guys upstairs planned it that way , but there 's no way for me to know for certain . The chair was pretty comfortable , so I guess you could say it was a cushy job . I mean , how many gigs can you find where you get paid a shit - ton of money to sit in a big chair and wait patiently for nothing to happen ? Not many . This one was one of a kind , too . It was an armchair , too , not a desk chair or anything like that . Designed for me and me alone . There was a matching one opposite mine , made for Marco , and we never sat in each other 's . We wouldn 't have been comfortable . That was the way it was designed . I asked once what would happen if one of us had been killed , and the only response I 'd gotten was an offhand comment about having to draft a plan for a new chair . The button was green . That really threw me off the first time I sat in that chair . I 'd been expecting red when they gave me the breakdown of the job . It just seemed logical that a button that could end the world would be red , you know ? Nope . Green . Big and friendly , almost a neon green , like it was telling you " Don 't Panic " or something . Like it wanted to be pushed . I 'm fairly certain it did , because then it would 've been all over , but when I mentioned that to the staff psychologist , he said I was just projecting . The button was only part of it , of course . The room wasn 't built to house anything , it was everything . The whole complex I worked in was the device , and the room with my little chair and my big friendly " Do Not Push " button was only a little chamber , a tiny fraction of the thing they called " The Apocalypse Mechanism . " Designed by the most brilliant minds on the planet , top to bottom , including my chair . I can 't call them the best minds , because if the best minds had been around at that point , it wouldn 't have come to the building of that damned thing . The best minds would have been able to come up with something better , a plan that wouldn 't involve Earth being sacrificed . Still , the minds we had left were brilliant . They had taken good care of them in the facilities back in Russia . Neat little rows of jars , cleanly labeled , and so on and so forth . I 'd actually gotten a tour of the place a few years before I got my button - watching job . A cold set of shelves , but like I said , they held the most brilliant minds left on Earth . They put them to use , and away we went , letting them design the mechanism that would allow us to hide our tracks completely . Marco and I each worked on ten hour shifts . Ten hours on , ten hours off . Since we were underground , it didn 't really matter much to us that we didn 't see daylight . What was left to see on the surface anyway ? Nothing I hadn 't seen before . Nothing I wanted to see again . Ten hours sitting , waiting for the word that it was time to wake the other , time to use the keys , time to release the plastic cover , time to push the big green button . It would mean that the world would end . Earth would be destroyed , and the home of the human race would be lost to history forever . Marco and I would have no choice but to stay behind , of course . As far as I knew , he was just like me . No family , nothing left . No reason for us to be on the ships that would be setting course for the colony worlds far from our solar system . My button was the trigger . I held one of the two keys that would prevent anyone or anything from taking our home and using its resources against us . The Apocalypse Mechanism . The ultimate in scorched earth tactics . I stared at the button for a lot of my shifts . I could have read , I suppose , or listened to music , but I couldn 't help myself . I knew that I 'd have to push it one day . I could feel that from day one , so I stared at the button . I stared at it for five years , ten hours at a time . Until now . Until the alerts . Too many ships still orbiting , trying to leave . Too many people still in range . No way to protect them now . No choice . I call Marco . We draw out our keys , unlock the cover . See , only one thing grows in the Heartland . The Empyrean makes sure of it . Hiram 's Golden Prolific is a modified strain of corn that spreads anywhere it pleases , choking out any other potentially competitive life ( and it 's not fond of people walking near it , either ) . It 's the only seed that the Empyrean distributes to the farmers in the Heartland , and the returns for working for the Empyrean machine are enough to barely survive . So Cael McAvoy scavenges , but he and his friends are not the only crew at work . The mayor 's son has a crew , number one in salvage recovery in Boxelder , and Boyland Barnes Jr . brings daddy 's money to the fight to ensure that Cael 's crew remains in second place . With tensions running high as the Harvest Home festival approaches , Cael takes his ship out for a prime target , only to be shipwrecked in the corn by Boyland Jr . It 's then that he finds something out in the middle of the field , something no one in the Heartland could have predicted . Vegetables . Fruits . Things that have no right growing in the midst of Hiram 's Golden Prolific . The discovery could make them all rich enough to buy passage to one of the flotillas , massive hovering cities of the Empyrean , where the wealthy live in splendor floating over the Heartland like Cael 's boat over the corn . Or it could get them and everyone they 've ever loved killed . Wendig packs one hell of a punch into the pages of this book . Deep characters and rich world building blend seamlessly with gritty violence and some of the most honest dialogue to hit the pages of a young adult novel . While some things might come across as a bit heavy - handed ( like Empyrean agent Simone Agrasanto 's name ) , most of the novel is quick and sharp , like the leaves of the plant that lends its name to Wendig 's self - dubbed " cornpunk " genre . Under the Empyrean Sky weaves teenage love , sex , violence , and intrigue into a wild land boat ride that will leave you counting the days until the release of volume two . This week 's challenge from Chuck gave us ten randomly chosen words ( library , ethereal , storm , dolphin , replay , undertaker , envelope , satellite , chisel , and cube ) . We were asked to pick five of them to include as elements within the story for a thousand word piece . Here 's " Grave , " featuring library , storm , envelope , undertaker , and satellite , albeit a couple of hours late . Lightning crackled across the sky , chasing itself from cloud to cloud as Devlin slung his spade over his shoulder . The storm had been building on the horizon for hours , and the apprentice undertaker had plenty of time to finish his last task , but he 'd spent much of his afternoon hiding from his master , Thom . So it was that he found himself crawling out of a newly - dug grave as the first drops of rain began to fall . Sure , Thom was kind enough on the surface . He 'd taken Devlin in several years before , allowing his parents to care for his younger brother and pursue their own careers in archaeology . The old man knew he wasn 't going to be able to carry on his job for more than another year or so , but still , he didn 't have to beat Devlin every time he found him reading . His ears still ached from the boxing they 'd been given that afternoon . At least his book hadn 't been thrown away this time . Digging graves was a bore , always the same dimensions , always the same shovel . The only thing that changed was where in the yard he would be digging . At least the people in the books he read got to escape from their dull lives , off on some adventure . Dev sighed and made his way back to Thom 's cabin at the northern edge of the graveyard . At least the day 's work was done . He called out as he entered the door , the first raindrops hitting the ground as he propped his shovel against the door frame . " Thom ? I 'm done . " " Ah , good . I see you managed to beat the storm . Dinner 's nearly ready , if you 've completed your work . " The senior undertaker stood from a chair near the stove . A fire blazed in the fireplace , lending warmth to the cabin as the temperature dropped outside . " Good . Glad we talked . Sausage and cabbage soup for dinner . Enjoy . I 'm going to bed before the weather gets any worse . Goodnight , Dev . " " Dear Devlin , " it read , " Your father and I are very proud of you . We know that your apprenticeship hasn 't been easy . It 's never easy to have to spend your life doing something you don 't want to do . Still , it 's very important for you to have this opportunity . With the work you 're doing now , you 'll be able to earn a stable living . Who knows ? In ten or fifteen years , you might be able to pursue more of your passions . " You 're very lucky you know . Your brother has to travel to the satellite villages to find work anymore , and no one is about to offer him an apprenticeship . Still , I suppose things could be a lot worse for us right now . Your father and I are busy with our own work , naturally . The excavation of the library is going far better than we 'd expected and the scrolls and tomes that we 're finding are in remarkable condition . It amazes me how well the desert manages to preserve artifacts for us . " We continue to search for the heart of the library . We 've found a clue that is pointing us even deeper underground . Oh , to have lived at the peak of this civilization ! The level of skill it must have taken to be able to create something so massive , a facility of this size , beneath a mountain ! Devlin , the words cannot possibly describe the way I feel right now . We 're sorry that you can 't join us . You 'd love it here . It 's warm and beautiful , and the chances we have to find something big are growing better by the day . We love you , Dev , and can 't wait to see you . Love , Mum and Dad . Devlin set the letter aside . His soup had gone cold , so he poured the remnants out and paced around the dining room . The library . His parents had talked about it for years before leaving for the excavation , and in his childhood he had considered it the stuff of legend . Now here he was , hundreds of miles away , the great desert separating him from them , bound by the terms of his apprenticeship . He longed to join them . There was a sense of finality about the work he did for Thom , with each grave he dug serving as someone 's end . The library was history in the making , each day bringing new discoveries for his parents . Even his brother was finding new things in the satellite villages that surrounded his home . Dev sighed and sat back down . The terms of his apprenticeship bound him , and Thom was too clever to allow him to sneak off any time soon . As he stretched in the chair , a flash of lightning outside the window illuminated the whole room , throwing his spade into sharp relief . " There is a fresh grave outside , " he glanced at the envelope . " And Thom 's got no family to speak of … " The thunder boomed , rattling the cabin . Devlin sat in thought as the storm raged on and the rain continued to fall . " It is an option … " And here 's yet another entry for a Chuck Wendig Writing Challenge . This one is brought to you by They Fight Crime . Go check it out . It might just help you come up with that character idea you needed . My description from They Fight Crime was this : " He 's a scarfaced Catholic stage actor on the hunt for the last specimen of a great and near - mythical creature . She 's a beautiful hip - hop college professor with an evil twin sister . They fight crime ! " " No , dear , " Professor Andrews replied as she slipped into the room . " Tonight I was thinking that we 'd keep an eye out on the bus stop on 45th . I 've heard a couple of reports of attacks in that area in the last week . " " Mmmhmm . " She grabbed a pair of headphones and placed them around her neck . " After all , the moon 's been full . The M . O . certainly fits . " Clark finished his makeup and checked the results in the mirror . No sign now remained of the scars that normally marred his face . Still , the burns ached . The theatre fire had been almost ten years ago , but the pain and the scars lingered , and the makeup could only cover the physical injuries . " Melissa , " he said , " you know how long I 've been after him , don 't you ? " Professor Andrews stepped behind him , wrapping her arms around his shoulders . " Clark , darling , of course I know . I 'm just worried that you 're going to get caught up in some sort of revenge fantasy like my sister did . " She placed a kiss on his cheek . " Seven , " Melissa replied . " We don 't have to worry about her . That 's not the point . If our boy is the one attacking these people , this is our chance to finally put him away . " She played with the chain around Clark 's neck , straightening the crucifix on it as she did so . " And once he 's gone , then we 'll be free to do whatever we like with the rest of our lives . " " If I could find a college that would take me on . Alyssa did a number on my reputation back when she was pretending to be me . But maybe we could find a place that 's looking for help with their theatre program too . There 's got to be more to your career than small - time performances of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and that web ad campaign you did last summer . " The best . Other than me , of course . And at least I didn 't make some joke about burning down the theatre because you were awful . " Clark 's hands went to his foundation - covered scars for a moment before he realized she was still smiling . " Thanks , Melissa . You know , when you first came to me to offer me the job , I was half - convinced that you were only using me as a source for holy water . It 's a big relief to know that there 's more to it than that . " Melissa straightened and walked back to her wardrobe , pulling out black t - shirt after black t - shirt and throwing them into a pile on the floor . " Oh , I knew you wanted revenge , but I figured you had to have some talent if you were going up against the rest of his pack on your own . Never would have guessed you were that crazy . Proved me wrong , didn 't you ? Damn , I can never find the one I 'm looking for , " she muttered darkly . " Valid point . I 'll go with Snoop . Maybe it 'll make our boy giggle when he sees it , and I can hit him while he 's distracted . Did you have a chance to get the silver edging added ? " " Yeah , but you owe Maki another two grand . He melted down a lot of heirlooms for that , and he 's pretty convinced that his great - grandfather is haunting him again . " He laced up a pair of combat boots . Melissa pulled two holstered pistols from the wardrobe and handed them to Clark . " You 're driving , " she said . " Those are loaded with the silver - tipped rounds , just in case . " " Thanks Mel . " Clark stood and attached the holsters to his belt . " Nearly ten years , but we 're down to the last known one . Let 's end this . " |
I live in a house in Tasmania , Australia in a little country town called Frankford . Frankford itself is full of ghosts ( It 's one of the oldest places in the area ) and our house is one of the most haunted . The house we live in was built about 100 years ago it 's made out of sandstone . Like most old houses in Tasmania it was made by convicts some of which haunt the house to this day . The first of these ghosts are is the one which while building the house a wall collapsed and killed a convict . This ghost haunts a section of the wall in my parents bedroom they have seen this ghost on the same day once a year . The section of wall has been panted yellow and on this night the wall goes a grayish colour I have also seen the ghost myself . My family for generations has had what most people call " strange " experiences , but we have considered it as natural . Now I have two possibly three of my daughters who are also plugged into this whatever it is . It seems to have come from my mother 's side . Her family was second generation German . I have 8 children - grown now . There are a lot of stories that I could tell but will send a short one . During the Viet Nam conflict , we moved to San Antonio , TX by way of New Braunfels , TX ( potergeist and / or haunted house there ) , but were originally from Georgia . My kids ranged from high school to jr . high age and one was approaching draft age . It was my habit to get up about 6 am to do the last minute ironing on whatever someone deemed vital for that day 's school attendance . My mind was relaxed , I was the only one up at the time . In the opposite corner of the room , I became aware of someone standing . It was a young man dressed in khaki fighting gear . He was sandy haired and didn 't seem to know that I was in the room , he was looking off sadly and thoughtfully . As I stared at him , he slowly faded away . If you want any others , will be happy to share . We really aren 't weird , you know - it is just a natural process . S . Shermer My in - laws bought a house to fix up to sale across the street from us . Well , it was very run down , and spooky . I knew that it was haunted , I could feel it . And I could see someone looking out of the window on the front door all the time . I hated being over there , but one day my father in - law hired me to clean the carpets . There was no one else in the house , but there was a man working on the foundation outside so I felt " safe " . It had a really big closet , I turned around and there she was standing in the closet . I could feel she was mad that I was there . In fact she told me to leave , well , I dropped the hose of the carpet cleaner and ran out of the house … The man working outside asked me what was wrong , I didn 't want to tell him I saw a ghost and that she told me to leave … So , I told him I just remembered something that I had to do at home . I ran home , calmed down . And made my 16 year old son go back over there with me , I finished cleaning the carpets . And never went back over there alone , just until lately when the lady who bought the house asked me to feed her animals while she was away … It still feels like the ghost is still there . That was about 2 years ago . I think now I would not be so chicken about the whole situation . In 1991 , when my son Christopher was about two years old , we lived with his grandparents in a house in Blythewood , South Carolina . The original owner of the house was a woman named Joyce , she had signed custody of her children over to a family member that refused to give them back after she completed her military service . Distraught over this she committed suicide in the master bedroom shortly before the house was sold to my In - laws . We always joked about Joyce still being there when we couldn 't find things or the phone would disconnect in the middle of a conversation but I never believed it until my son was almost two years old . One day Christopher was playing in his room and I could hear him having a conversation ( this was not unusual ) . But , I got concerned when I heard him pause as if someone was answering him . I walked to his door and peeked in to find him sitting in his toybox looking over at the bed continuing his conversation . I stood there a few moments and asked ! ! him who he was talking to and to my amazement he said , " the lady that comes to talk sometimes " . When my son and I moved into our own house , my In - laws told me that the strange things that they attributed to Joyce had stopped , except for an occassional occurance . I have a few more stories about that particular house . Last night at about 10 : 15pm my husband was telling my daughter to get ready for bed . As most toddlers do she said " no " . My husband repeated himself and she said , " no , dada , I 'm scared . " . He asked her what for , she then told him about a man that was in her room and only comes at night . I then stepped in , I have personally seen , heard , and felt ghosts before so I thought I 'd better get to the bottom of this . I asked her about the man , she said , it 's a man with no foot . I thought this was probably an imaginary friend so I asked " what does the man with no foot do ? " , " He talks " , " what does he talk to you about ? " , " Mamaw . " . " Does he have a name ? " , " yes " , " what is it ? " , she won 't say . After the interrogation I left her in her bed to go ponder what she said . Soon after , she wondered into my bedroom , I asked her if she was my sunshine , she said , " no , I 'm papaw 's sunshine " . My husband turned white as a sheet , I was stunned . My husband 's grandfather , lovingly called papaw , passed away 13 years ago . That 's not what stunned us the most , my daughter knows nothing about this man and knows noone by the name of Papaw . The strangest part about all of this is , papaw died missing one foot . My wife and I have a big victorian house which is made up of two houses . The first is a log cabin which was purchased in 1830 and then the victorian part was built on around the log cabin in the early 1900 's . All the rooms on the first floor open out into a large hall . One evening my wife and I were watching TV in the living room . I was setting on the couch which was directly in line with the door off the hall . A little boy about the age of 7 came running around the corner and into the room where he came to a sudden stop when he saw me setting there . He was as clear as anyone else you would see and was wearing bluegeans and a red and white stripped t shirt . He was a real cute kid and then he was gone . One summer evening when I was six years old my uncle Joe came to visit . He brought presents to me and my two younger sisters We each received a stuffed toy which we took to bed with us that evening . Coming from a large family , I shared a room ( and large bed ) with my two younger sisters . We went to bed quite happy . However , the next morning I woke up first to a bright , sunny room . The first thing on my mind was my new toy . I looked around for it and , to my amazement , it was gone . My sisters ' toys were also missing . I looked under the covers , over the side of the bed and then I stepped out of bed to look under it . Big mistake ! As I stepped onto the floor an icy cold hand reached out from under the bed and grabbed my ankle . At first I thought it might be my older brother playing a trick but when I looked down I saw it was a very skinny , totally white hand which I could see our wooden floor though . I screamed and ran towards the door and strangely enough , the hand h ! ! eld on to my ankle and the arm just lengthened as I ran . Before I got to the door my mother came running in to see what was wrong . Of course , the hand dissappeared . When I told her what had happened she helped me to look for the toys but they were never found . I always wondered how the hand and the toys might be connected . I don 't know the answer to that but to this day , and I am nearly 40 , I cannot sleep on a bed that has space underneath . I have to put suitcases under the bed or block the space somehow . My own bed is closed in underneath . I stumbled onto this site by accident but have found it totally captivating my attention . It also brought back a memory from my childhood which I must have suppressed , because when I remembered it , it brought tears to my eyes and a chill to my skin . When I was in 6th grade my family lived in Ft . Leavenworth Kansas . It is a very old army post and we were given housing in one of three buildings called the " Artillery Barracks . " Apparently these buildings were actually used as barracks way back when . They were very old with huge rooms and high , high ceilings . The floors were either hardwood or linoleum . A long hallway ran the length of our apartment with doors connecting to either bedrooms or the living area . My parents used to go out every weekend and I would stay and babysit my little brother who is 10 years younger than me and at that time was only a year old . Most often they let a friend spend the night with me on these nights out , so I do have a witness . It was late ! ! and we were in the living area when all of a sudden , as clear as a bell and very , very loudly footsteps started from the back end of the hallway and proceeded to walk to the front end of the hallway ( it was a long hallway ) . We completely froze . I couldn 't move or speak . We finally ran out of another door and got a neighbor to come back with us and check the apartment out . They found nothing and every window and door was locked . This is a recollection of events that have been happening to me for as long as I can remember . Some of the more outragous things that have occured to me I will omit , due to the fact that in telling them , I would damage my credibility considerably . But for right now , I will share the most terrifiyng event that has ever occured to me . When I was about fourteen , I was staying at my grandmothers apartment for the weekend , I was lying on the couch with my face to the wall and with the blanket over my head like I usually slept . I got this eerie feeling like somthing evil had its eye on me . I convinced myself I really neede needed to grow up and face my fears , so I turned around and pulled the blanket from over my eyes so I could see , thats when I found myself face to face with an entity so hidious my mind blocks out most of it when I try to recollect what it was . There is no way words can describe what " it " was , the best I can describe it was a cartoonish corpse like face w ! ! ith oddly amphibian qualities . From what I can recall its eyes were blue with pinpoint pupils , it had a hidious evil leer on its face , my god . The thing was at the most , a foot from my face . I was far too terrified to scream . I pulled the blanket over my head and turned to the wall again . A few minutes passed and I felt a hand pushing on my shoulder . Half terrified I called out : " Grandma , is that you ? " to my relief , my gandma said in response : " Of course , who else would I be ? " It was no use telling my my grandma , she was one of those forced sceptics who believed that if you even acknowleged the presence of ghosts , you gave them more power to terrify youyou . Years later my granma passed away , but I don 't really think she ever truely left us all , but thats another story . We had bought this musical Santa sleigh for christmas , niether me or any of my family members liked it very much , the reason being is that this thing played a demonic rendition of " Santa Claus is Coming to Town " I don 't know why it sounded so freaky , it sounded distant , phantasmal and filled whoever heard it with dread , everyone that is , save my grandma who absolutely loved the damn thing . Well , sad to say , but shortly after cristmas , my grandma passed on . Our holiday spirit was absolutly shatterd by this tragic event . A few days after we put her to rest , we were all awakend by a fimiliar sound , the eerie song of the musical slay was playing , the orniment had turned on by itself ! Since then my stepbrother has liberated the batteries from the cursed thing and buried it in our closet , where it will probably be used next cristmas . ( Gulp ! ) I wonder if granny had anything to do with this odd event ? Perhaps next Christmas , she 'll put in an encore performance . The story of the thing in the closet reminded me of my closet thing … When I was 13 my family moved to Portland , Ore . We moved into an older home on Clinton Street . . At first , I had the bedroom downstairs and then about a week later My mother decided to move me into their upstairs room . . Everything seemed ok with the new room for a week or so … Yet for some reason , my closet door refused to stay shut , no matter what was put in front of it ( it had no lock ) In the morning , that door would be half open ! I had an errie feeling about that … One night as I lay awake trying to sleep , I saw my closet door slowly open of it 's own volition ! I lay there transfixed by what I was seeing … Soon after Something came walking out of the closet . . This something was a bright orange , it was perfectly round , with little arms and legs . . It 's facial features were drawn in pure black . . The thing began walking towards my bed as I stared in horrified facination . . Then the thing smiled the most malignant smile I have ever seen before or since , and promtly disappeared into the wall by my bed ! ! ! This happened a couple of times until I finally decided to tell my parents about it … My mom then told me that she 'd seen it too and that 's why she switched rooms with me … My dad went upstairs with me and we put up a picture of The virgin mary and said a prayer for protection . . I never saw the thing again , but … . My closet door NEVER stayed closed , even with furniture against it ! ! Every morning that door was opened just a crack … . . I started to take ballet when I was about 13 . I will not put the school name in here and any names I use are made up because I haven 't ask anyone if Ican put there names in here . Anyway , I had been dancing about two years when these weird things started to happen . I had just gotten point shoes and keot them in my dance bag which I kept locked so nothing would get stolen . One day after a regular dance class I went to show my friend how I sewed the ribbons on my point shoes ( she had just gotten point shoes and wanted to know how to sew ribbions on ) . I unlocked my bag and looked for my point shoes , and they weren 't in the bag . I emptied the whole bag and they weren 't there . I had used them in a class earlier that day and remembered putting them back in my bag . I thought it strange that someone would steal point shoes because it 's very rare for two people to fit in the exact same point shoe in a small dance school like the one I was in . See , with point shoes , each brand in different , then there is the suze of your foot , the width and the length . My feet were very thin and I had to get my point shoes specially made to fit me ( thery were very expencive ) . I looked allover the school for them and found them in the boys locker room ( I had one of my guy friends look in there ) . What would a guy do with point shoes ? Other things kept dissapearing and winding up in strange places . Like a teacher 's notebook winding up in the office , where teachers aren 't suppos to go . Music tapes winding up in the bathroom . So far nothing strabge has ahppened for a while . I 'll post it if something does happen . Bob remembered the exerience at first as a dream . He " dreamed " he was lying in his bed , in the middle of the night , in the dark . He could see nothing but the dim outline of his open bedroom doorway . But in the doorway he could see two figures , standing side by side . Both were female figures . One was totally dark , as the rest of the house . But the other was clearly visible , even in the darkness , as if in daylight - a woman in a flowing blue evening gown . Bob 's dream , as he remembered it , was this simple but lovely image - two women standing side by side , one in darkness , the other visible in the dark . The next morning as he sat at the kitchen table eating his cereal , he thought about the strange image from his dream , with a funny feeling he couldn 't put his finger on . Then his older sister came downstairs . And she asked him , " Are you feeling better this morning ? " " I heard you crying , " his sister said . " I got up and went to your bedroom , and stood in the doorway . You were sitting up in bed , looking at me , and crying . I asked what was wrong , and you whispered : ' I saw Grandma ' . " story Last year , my best friend Shelly and I were planning to sleep at each other 's houses in the summer holidays . We were really excited about it , and had been planning what we would do for months . She slept at mine first , which was fun , but nothing really happened . Then , it was my turn to sleep at her house . We told ghost stories and talked until really late , when Shelly fell asleep . I couldn 't get to sleep though , because her mum and dad were playing this really awful classical music loudly downstairs . ' That was grandad 's ' she said quietly . ' He died in my bedroom four years ago , before we moved in . But we got rid of all all his classical music tapes , since nobody in our family likes it . ' Suddenly I felt very sick . I got my things and ran home , almost in tears . Since then Shelly 's grandad has not showed up again , but I still turned down her offer to sleep this year ! story This story is about one of the incidents that happened to me in the house I grew up in Brooklyn , NY . As time goes on I will post many things that happened in this house . This house was the least to say haunted . After years of the memory of this certain experience , I realized it is more touching than spooky . Here it goes : I was getting ready to pick up my then boyfriend from the Euclid Ave . subway station . I was making sure my hair was ok , makeup , etc … … The mirror I was using was on a dresser that was against the wall . While applying my lipstick something caught my attention from my left eye . I looked and right before me was a transparent white dress , no body , floated through the doorway . This apparition was no more than 1 foot from me . It continued to float past me , then behind me , to the right of me , through the dresser and then through the wall . I Freaked . The next thing I remember I was dashing 100 miles an hour to the front door of the house screaming for my father . Through the fear and tears I was trying to explain to my father what had happened . He calmed me down and then I realized I was late picking up David from the subway . I wiped the tears and started down the street to Pine and Pitkin when I noticed the commotion a few blocks ahead . A drunk man had lost control of his car speeding down the street and ran into a small group of people . This happened about the time I was freaking out and crying with my Dad . I then realized had the incident with the ghost not have happened , I would have rushed down the street to get David and probably would have been one of the people struck by the car . One night me and family were upstairs in or house , when I lived there , and I heard something downstairs , I didn 't really think of anything at the time so I ignored it . Later that night my mother and I went down stairs to watch some T . V . when we got down there everthing was a mess . There were things knocked down everywhere , glasses broken , ect . . That night we cleaned everything up before my father got home so he wouldn 't get upset that the house was a mess . The next day I went to school and my parents went to work . I was always the first one to come home . When I got there it was quiet nothing knocked over , no glasses broken , nothin . My mom finally got home and wanted to relax so we downstairs and sat on the couch . My mom is a smoker , and she always had a ciggerette when she got home . She to get the ash tray and it was gone we searched everywhere for it and we could not find it . After about a half hour searching for the ash tray we went downstairs to sit and think and the ! ! re it was the exact place that she had left it . But the strange thing was that it had was gone for one half hour while we were searching for it . story This is a story about an historic mansion in Occoquan , Virginia . For my wedding gift two years ago , my mom got us a room at Rockledge Mansion in Occoquan . My new husband and I love Bed and Breakfasts and anything historical , so this was perfect ! We were married on a Monday so the town was fairly quiet . The proprietors left a key under the mat and we checked ourselves in . Naturally we explored the house that we had access to thoroughly . There was a built - in bookcase right outside of the doorway to our room that when you pulled on the shelves it opened to reveal stairs leading to the attic . We went into the attic to look at the old furniture and things stored up there ( this is relevent to later in the story ) We then went out to dinner in a local restaurant by the water . Being that we were basically the only people in the restaurant and it was our wedding night , we received a lot of attention . The waitresses we had all grew up in Occoquan and had some scary storie ! ! s about the mansion . They said it was definitely haunted and that you could not pay them enough to spend one night in that place . Well , my husband and I are not afraid of ghosts ( or so I thought ) and we were kind of looking forward to encountering something . The night went on smoothly and we went to bed . About 4 a . m . or so I woke up and had to use the bathroom . The bathroom was one flight of stairs down and I was a little scared to be by myself in there , even though not a thing had happened since we arrived . I woke up my husband and asked him to go with me , which he did . When we got back upstairs I made a comment on how dissapointed I was that nothing spooky had happened and said it was a rip off . As soon as I put my head back on the pillow , things started moving around in the attic . For the next few hours things were dragged back and forth across the floor . You could hear things falling and hitting the floor . It was loud ! I guess I should have kept my mouth shut . ! ! I don 't think I could ever stay there again . story A few years ago , I worked at a haunted movie theater . A typical appearance would be of a man looking around a corner at you . On a few occasions a ghost would walk into an auditorium and call your name out . When you looked at it , it would disappear . In auditorium 10 , a few of us employees saw a dog : big , black and shaggy , always walking toward you . A few months after my tenure was over , one of the projectionist heard it growling when he was cleaning the projector upstairs . The ghosts who haunted this place , and maybe still do , were conscious of your presents . If you were the only person in the place you became well aware of the fact that something was not quite right : doors slamming , things banging , seat rocking , feet treading and what have you . In auditorium 2 , one night I was sweeping and I walked through something . To best describe it , I would have to say it was like walking through a field of static electricity . Other occurances include smells , some rank , others of perfume . One ghost would stomp up and down the hallways . Some would sit ( or stand ) and quietly watch the movie . 12 screens , a lobby , two bathrooms , two halls , two stairwells , two consession stands , upstair 's offices , a projection booth , and an arcade room . The only room in this place were I neither heard , saw , or smelled anything was the arcade room . One employee got so scared one night , she didn 't come back for a week . That event included knocking and voices . |
I don 't know why Annabelle invited her to the tea party at all . I will admit that Lily Fitzmilan dresses fashionably and has impeccable manners , but she is not really a proper lady . So of course I hardly listened to a word she said . However , the phrase , " And so I killed him , of course , " will filter through even the most thorough snubbing , and that is how Miss Fitzmilan concluded her story , in a most brash and boastful tone . Annabelle and the others were listening to her with rapt attention , so I felt it was my duty to put her in her place . " I don 't believe a word of it . " Miss Fitmilan 's eyes flashed . " Are you calling me a liar , Miss Wickham ? " " Why , yes , I am . " " I require satisfaction . " Everyone else gasped . " You want me to duel you ? I will do no such thing ! " I protested . " It needn 't be to the death . First blood will be quite enough . " I sat up as straight as I possibly could and gave her my iciest glare . " Ladies don 't duel . " She ignored the insult . " If you forfeit , I will of course accept your gracious apology at once . " Well , I could hardly apologize to her . " I 'm not forfeiting . I merely … mean to appoint a champion . " " Fine . I 'll fight your noble surrogate tomorrow at noon , in the garden . Will that be suitable ? " " Perfectly . " As soon as the party broke up , I went to find my betrothed . " Lionel , " I told him , " I need you to defend my honor . " " The way I heard it , it 's the other lady 's honor that 's at stake . " " She doesn 't have any , and she 's not a lady . " " Can 't you just apologize , Evelynia ? " " No ! Please , Lionel , you have to do this . Surely you don 't want me to have to take up a blade and fight a duel . " " Fine , fine ; I 'll fight the woman . " So at noon the next day , I stood with bated breath in a small ring around Lionel and Miss Fitzmilan and watched them duel . While I of course don 't know enough about fencing to be able to tell what they were doing besides waving swords around , Posted by It started out , this time , with a boy - - he would have called himself a young man , but he was a boy - - found half dead in the forest and brought to my home . This happens occasionally ; the forest is a dangerous place for adventurers and poachers and other fools who don 't know what they 're doing . Usually it 's alright . I fix them up , let them stay until they 're better , or I can 't stand them anymore , and send them on their way to continue poaching or adventuring , or , if they have any sense , to go home . Jakon was more sensible than most , and also worse off than most . As a result , he stayed in my cottage for a while . He never told me what he 'd been doing in the forest , and I never asked . Our conversations consisted of me telling him to drink this or lie still while I set a bone or changed a bandage . The only somewhat social interaction I had with him was when he asked what I was reading and I showed him the cover of the book . What can I say , I 'm not really a people - person . Jakon was okay , though . He didn 't yatter nonstop and he liked my cats . He recovered better than I would have expected , though he had a limp . He understood that it was something of a miracle , that he 'd recovered as well as he had , and was duly grateful . So he went home , and my life continued as normal . For a few months , at least . And then there was a knock at my door . I ignored it . The knocking continued , and I continued to ignore it . But a few hours later , I opened the door to go outside , and nearly tripped over Jakon , who was sitting on my doorstep . " Vayran , I need your help . " Even when he 'd been at death 's door , he 'd never sounded so desperate . I should have known better than to get involved . But I have to admit , I was rather fond of the boy , so I didn 't tell him to go to hell . At first , I was just going to hear his story before sending him away . But somehow , that wasn 't how it worked out . Great , I thought . Not only am I considering going into an area occupied by crowds of people , but it 's one in which there 's a witch scare . I knew I was a fool for even considering it . If anyone would be though to be a witch , it was me . I 'd thought to do a simple jailbreak , but when we arrived in the town , a small crowd was gathered around a fountain . At the fountain , two men appeared to be trying to drown a girl . By Jakon 's expression , I could tell it was his sister . " Hey ! " I yelled . People turned to stare at me . I had some vague idea in mind of either convincing the people what idiots they were - - that never works , and I usually know it - - or creating a distraction . What happened was that , when everyone had turned to look at me , someone cried , " Witch ! " and everyone took up the cry . As I said , trying to convince people how stupid they are never works , but I was angry , so I wasn 't being particularly sensible . " You 're fools , " I screamed . " If I was a witch , do you really think you 'd be able to do anything against me ? You 're farmers . " " Get her ! " someone screamed , and they rushed towards me . I like people even less than I normally do when they 've formed into a mob , and even less than that when the mob is trying to grab me . I don 't know whether they would have came after me as they 'd planned or backed away in horror , but they didn 't get the chance to do either . In the distraction , Jakon had managed to sneak up to the fountain and grab Ceilidh . The three of us ran . Not fast , Jakon couldn 't with his limp , and Kelia was still half - drowned , but we ran . I didn 't even stop to put out the flames . Let them have something more to deal with than torturing innocent people . Jakon and Ceilidh stayed with me for a few weeks , long enough to be sure no one was coming after us , before leaving to find a new home . Ceilidh came back a few days later . Jakon had gotten a job as a printer - - apparently that was what he did , though why a printer had gotten half - killed wandering in the woods I have no idea - - and it payed enough for him to rent a small house , and Ceilidh could have stayed with him for a while … . But what she really wanted was to learn magic , and wouldn 't I please teach her ? I told her I 'd think about it , and after doing so , against my better judgment , agreed . So I went back to my peaceful - - if somewhat less solitary - - life . Somewhat less peaceful , now that I think about it , what with Ceilidh accidentally blowing things up and such , but I did the same , when I was first learning , and at least no angry mobs are involved . Though I sit alone in the cell , waiting for the sun to rise , I can close my eyes and see that elsewhere , everyone is doing the same . The crowds of people in streets and on rooftops ; the mother sitting at the foot of her child 's bed , staring out the window , barely daring to hope ; even the cynics who shut their curtains and light their rooms brighter than day and pretend to believe everything is normal , who would never admit they peak out , and lose a piece of hope each time they see only darkness . Is the world going to end ? It would be easier , perhaps , if we knew it would . Then we - - well , those who are not imprisoned , at least , could eat their favorite meals and hug their families close and live the world 's last moments the way they chose . But perhaps the world won 't end , but endure under the clouds of hopelessness and the eternal darkness . Or maybe , and this is the only real hope , it 's a lie . Maybe the sun will rise after all , and though nothing will be the same , living ruled by the essence of evil , at least , well , life will go on . Nobody knows , because this has never happened before . Evil is always defeated . I don 't mean bad people , tyrants and sorcerers . But this … . In the epic battle between good and evil , good must prevail . Pure evil , as a force itself , has to be defeated . But it wasn 't . We failed . I failed . I close my eyes for only a moment , not wanting to take them from the eastern horizon for long . The moment is enough ; there 's not much to see . Tani and Raida and Zes sit in cells just like mine , peering through tiny barred windows just as I am . Tani 's wound is no longer bleeding , I 'm glad to see , and Raida is holding together better than I would have thought after the loss of the man she loved . Zes 's window faces west , and I know it must be hard for him , knowing that he won 't even be able to see whether the sun rises at first . I linger on him longer than I should . His hands grip the bars on the window and he murmurs so softly I can barely hear , " Haeril . " At hearing my name I Posted by I was born in a tree , I 've lived my entire life in the trees , and I always expected I would die in a tree as well . Back when I was young you could look out above the canopy and see nothing but an ocean of treetops , all the way to the horizon . Those days are long gone , of course . Nowadays , those of us that are left are squished into living in the little patch of forest that 's left . Once you get past the homes on the outer edges , you can see the edge of the trees . And beneath - - nothing . Dirt and cows don 't count . Though I personally have never climbed down to the ground , plenty of us have . I just never had the inclination . This is the most beautiful place in the world ; nothing could be better , so why would I ever want to leave it ? We have everything we need up here - - food , shelter - - don 't think we just sleep on branches , we have homes , or did , before the trees supporting them were felled , clothing , medicine , entertainment , and of course , anything we don 't have - - metal and such - - can always be brought up . Even most of us who do leave the trees agree that it 's much better up here . The first time people I knew went was when I was a teenager , and a few of my friends went for a short vacation . They tried to convince me to come , but I wouldn 't , and when they returned , they told me I hadn 't missed out on much . Sure , it was different , and there were some interesting things , like how the ground doesn 't move at all beneath your feet - - but there general conclusion was that though it might be an okay place to visit , you wouldn 't want to live there . It was my sister , Maerilla , who said that . She lives down there now , married to some farmer who bought land that was once part of the forest . She says its all for the best , for her , since if she hadn 't been driven down she 'd never have met the love of her life and given birth to her three beautiful children . I say that if they really were fated to be together , he could have climbed up here . Nothing , nothing is worth this destruction . We didn 't even noticePosted by Maybe I should have just went along with the whole thing . Vak promised he 'd get me out . " Oh , like you did last time ? " I asked him , furious that he would even suggest I be caught again . " That was different , Rakayl . This wouldn 't be you really being captured , just allowing yourself to get taken in . And there 'd be all kinds of fuss made over the criminal who obliterated an entire plantation , and just think of what I could do in the distraction . " But I refused out of hand . So the bastard betrayed me , and there I was sitting in a cell hoping that he would get me out even though I didn 't agree to the damn plan - - if you can even call it a plan . I 'd known Vak for a long time , and we 're friends , sometimes , and occasionally more than friends . But I didn 't trust him , or rather , I knew he wasn 't trustworthy . I didn 't blame him - - I 'm hardly a paragon of loyalty and honesty myself . But I was not going to depend on Vak rescuing me . And I sure as hell wasn 't going to stay in the dungeon , or let myself be sold or executed . And if I hung around long enough to be tried , I 'd be executed . The problem was , I had no idea how to escape . I wasn 't just in any common jail , but the best guarded dungeon in Balirmind , deep underneath the castle . The walls and floor and ceiling were solid stone , the door heavy iron , with a window too small to fit through , and barred to boot . Heavily armed guards paced outside the cell . I 'd sworn that I 'd learn to be able to escape if I was ever captured again , but though I 'd learned how to take down basic wards and magic barriers , it would be of no use . So I 'd have to escape through subterfuge . Vak had been right , when he said that my capture would cause a fuss . A constant stream of people came to peer at me through the window . King Narden , a very young man who 'd only recently been crowned , came by several times , as did various government officials , relatives of my so - called victims , and concerned or merely curious citizens . At first , I sat in the back corPosted by " I can 't believe we 're finally going to do this ! " I said excitedly . " Yep . By the day after tomorrow , Loifle will be a better place , thanks to us . The plan is in motion . You , Carthi , Jek , and Roan will be standing guard , I 'll be making the preparations and implementing the getaway , and Hesethi will be the one to actually do the killing . " Saola beamed at him . I froze . " Wait . We 're going to kill the king ? " Everyone stared at me . " Yes , Isletia , that is the point , " Saola told me exasperatedly . " We haven 't been planning this for two years just to , what , take him captive ? Let him step down ? Force him into exile ? Tyranny must end ; we kill him . " " It 's for the best , " Hesethi said , more kindly . " But … I thought we all agreed he isn 't really that bad , mostly . " " It 's the principal of the thing , dear , " said Saola in her most patronizing tone . " You 're free to back out if you like , of course . " I wasn 't sure whether I wanted to . I agreed wholeheartedly that monarchy is tyranny and the only fair government is one that governs itself ; I wanted to help bring democracy and equality and justice to Loifle . I just wasn 't quite sure about the means . But I hadn 't been involved in the plot for two years just to drop out at the last moment . " No , I 'm in . " I wanted to try to convince them that it wouldn 't be necessary to kill King Brhyme . Why couldn 't we just let him step down and go into exile ? But I knew it would be useless . I was the youngest in the group , and none of the others accorded me the least shred of respect . They wouldn 't listen to a word I said , and if they did , they 'd only laugh . So I went home , and went through the rest of my day as normal , and eventually went to bed . The idea of standing guard while Hesethi committed murder haunted me . It would be one thing if King Brhyme was a tyrant , but while he occasionally raised taxes a bit too high and sometimes passed laws that the vast majority of the country disagreed with , he wasn 't reallPosted by The jewelry in the shop was of the highest quality . The displays were full of rubies like demons ' eyeballs , pearls like tiny moons , gold shaped into every imaginable form … . The whole room glimmered with from with the light reflected off the jewels . There were three people in the shop - - a lady of obvious wealth browsing necklaces , a young man looking around the room uncomfortably , and the woman behind the counter , who was carefully doing something with pliers to a piece of chain . The doors opened , and another man walked in . The customers tensed when they saw him ; he was clearly up to no good . He was large , ungroomed and not recently bathed , and heavily armed ; a cutlass and several knives swung at his side , and he was carrying a pistol . He aimed at the woman behind the counter . Even with the gun pointing at her , she looked far less intimidated than her customers . " Give me everything of value , " growled the man . The woman behind the counter smiled and pulled something out from under the counter . " You don 't really want to - - " Midsentence , she shot him in the leg . He dropped to the ground and gaped at her . She ignored him , and turned to her customers , who were also gaping at her . " Excuse me , " she asked the young man , " Would you do me a favor and help me get him out of here ? " " Certainly , " he agreed , too surprised to argue . The shopkeeper grabbed the robber 's legs , her customer took his shoulders , and they carried him out of the shop and dumped him in the street outside . The woman went back to the chain she 'd been working on , and the man paced around the shop until the rich woman left . " I believe you knew my mother , " he told the woman . " Doubtful , " she said . " I 'm not from around here . " " She was a pirate , on the Crimson Revenge . Perhaps you know of it ? " " Perhaps I do , perhaps I don 't . " " I 'll pretend to believe you for a moment . It was one of the more infamous ships . The captain was a woman by the name of Ryshe . My mother was the quartermaster ; hPosted by " You know you don 't have to do this . " Vie frowned at the older woman . " Don 't make this more difficult than it already is . Sahrinad is the only home I 've ever had ; do you think I 'd leave if I had a choice ? " " You 'd be safer here than anywhere else , " said Rikimi . " You know how well Sahrinad 's fortified , and nowhere else in the world can you find so many magicians . " " These things are powerful , Rikimi . They 'll break through every defense we have in five minutes , and every being on the island will be dead , magic stolen and souls ripped to shreds . They 're going to get me , there 's no real hope of avoiding it , and I can 't bring them down on everyone else . " " I know . I wanted to be sure you know you 're not being kicked out . This is your choice . " She hesitated . " I 'll miss you , Vie . " Vie forced a grin . " I 'd have thought you 'd be glad to see me leave . " " Oh , you 've always been trouble , but never the bad kind , really . " " Until now . " Rikimi gave Vie a stern look , the same look she 'd given Vie so many times over the years . " You know it 's not your fault . " Vie shrugged . " It would be , if I stayed and let Sahrinad be destroyed . " " Knowing what we do , it would be , yes ; I 'm glad you 're able to take responsibility for that . I just find it difficult to believe that your fate is inevitable . " " Every seer and oracle in Sahrinad 's seen them suck my life force out of me , no matter what course of future they 're seeing . Everything that 's been seen , or heard , or thought of , or prophesied says its unavoidable , whatever I do , " said Vie , her voice tinged with suppressed anger at the unfairness of it . She hesitated . " If it turns out not to be , if I find a way to beat them somehow … I 'll come back . " " You don 't really have any hope , " said Rikimi , mildly surprised . " I don 't know . I don 't think I 'd be able to survive if I didn 't have at least the smallest shred of a chance of ever coming back here . " " WelPosted by This is the sequel to Vengeance . I reccomend you read that first , if you haven 't yet . " I don 't like it , " Aldasha said . " They 're just rumors , " I assured her . " They 'll pass . " " They 're not just rumors , they 're the truth . We both know I really did plan all along to kill my husband and take the throne for myself . " " No , the plan was to go ahead with his plans to marry you , but thwart his plan to kill you and start a war . " " But did it work , or did it only shift the battleground ? If people start believing that I 'm a murderess who stole the throne - - " " They 'd know you were still better than your predecessor , " I interrupted firmly . " I know , Onisy killed the previous royal family to take the throne . But how am I any better ? " " You don 't know anything about it , " I said . " Maybe I should . " " Then go ask someone else . Order them to tell you , if you must . I won 't speak of it . " " And if I order you to tell me ? " " Then you 'll have far more trouble on your hands than a few rumors . " Aldasha knew that what I said was true . I 'd helped her get the throne ; she couldn 't boss me around just because she sat on it . She never tried . " Any suggestions on who I should ask , then ? " " Anyone who was around twelve years ago would know the basics , at least . " Aldasha left the room , and I disappeared into the passages in the walls and followed her . The hidden passages are extensive , running through nearly every wall , with peepholes every few feet , so it was no difficulty to follow Aldasha all the way to the stables . " Nyen ? " she called , and I smiled at her choice ; the hostler always knew everything that was going on , though he was too close - mouthed to be much of a source of information . " Do you have a moment ? " " Of course , you majesty . " Aldasha went straight to the point . " What happened when Onisy took the throne ? " Nyen looked at her . " You 've heard about the rumors . " My smile broadened ; he really didn 't miss anythPosted by I know everything . I know what wars will come , and which side will win , and who will die and who will not die quite yet . I know the meaning of life and the secret ingredient in your grandmother 's cookies and how the world will end . And I know that I can 't tell anyone any of it , unless they ask , and then I can only tell them yes or no . Perhaps that 's a good thing . I don 't know that for sure , because it 's subjective . But my knowledge is as much burden as gift , and there are some things people aren 't meant to know . I just wish these idiots would learn to ask the right questions . I mean , I don 't know how many people have made the arduous trek up my mountain to ask , " Am I going to die ? " Actually , I do know . Three hundred sixty two ( though one was an immortal for whom the answer was no , so that one doesn 't count as a stupid question . But still . ) And then there 's those who ask me where something is . Not one of them ever thinks to bring a map so they could point and ask if they 're getting closer . " Where ? " is not a yes or no question . I 'd just been dealing with a particularly difficult knight , who 'd wanted to know whether he would die ( yes ) , what he should quest after ( silence from me , though maybe I should have answered , " No " ) , and where it was to be found , though of course he still didn 't know what it was . When I didn 't answer , he started screaming at me , calling me a fake and enchantress and con . I wondered if he would attack me physically , and instantly knew that he wouldn 't , but he was still quite an annoyance . I 'd long since stopped listening to his ranting when another voice called out , " Hey , bozo ! Read the sign , she can only answer yes or no . It 's not her fault you 're too dumb to figure out how to ask a question . " The speaker was a woman in her mid - twenties , dressed in clothing practical for climbing a mountain , and wearing a sword . A small dragon was perched on her shoulders . " You ! " the knight shouted . The woman put her hand on her hilt . The knigPosted by Quaos was surprised by the sudden appearance of an elderly woman in the middle of Malexandra 's room , but only for a moment . " Good disguise , " she said when she realized the toothless old woman smelling of sewage was , in fact , Malexandra . " Alas , the smell 's real , " Malexandra said . She removed the spell and returned to her normal appearance . " Are you alright ? You look … drained . " " Nothing a few day 's sleep won 't cure . Unfortunately , that 's a luxury we can 't afford right now . " " You found what you were looking for ? " " And then some . Get Anonymous . " Malexandra hesitated . " And tell him to bring the king . " * * * * * King Skyler had been in the Magiary once before , and even in that dire emergency , he had not exactly been made welcome . So when Anonymous told him of Malexandra 's summons , he knew it was serious . A tall girl with cropped black hair met the two men at the door of the Magiary . She introduced herself as Quaos , and led them up into the tower . The room stank . Malexandra was sitting at her desk , scribbling furiously and looking exhausted . Anonymous went up to her , waved his hands around , and the smell disappeared . " Wow , I wasn 't aware you could do anything practical , " Skyler told him . Malexandra stifled a laugh . " I 'm sorry about that ; I just got back from Balirmind and I spent most of the day in the sewers , and I 've had more important things to worry about . " She looked at Skyler . " They 're preparing for war . " " Against us ? " " Yes . " There was silence . " Can Majardea survive another war against them ? " Quaos asked . " I didn 't live here yet , during the last war , but I heard it was … close . " " No , " Skyler admitted . " That was only three years ago , we 're still recovering . If we were attacked now - - it 's not quite a sure thing that we 'd be defeated , but even if not … another war would take its toll . " " Is there a reason they 're attacking ? " " It 's because of what happened with your crown . The thieves that stole it used it to destroy a Balirmindian plaPosted by Zandra was my best friend , which says more about the state of my social life than about our friendship . I had other friends , but they were the kind of friendships where , when we hung out , we chatted rather than talked . We knew about each other - what we were doing and who was dating who - but I didn 't know them , and none of them knew me . I never knew anything about Zandra . I only saw her on Saturdays . Whenever I 'd suggested we do something on a different day , she 'd said she was busy . I didn 't know what she did with the rest of the week . I didn 't know if she had a job , or a social life , or even what her last name was . But it didn 't matter . Zandra was the only person who understood me . It wasn 't that we spent our time having deep conversations , because we didn 't . But Zandra lived in the moment , and when I was with her the world seemed different somehow . Every passing butterfly was a miracle , and even the most insignificant chitchat was imbued with soul . One day - it was a Tuesday - I got home very late , and surprised a burglar . I stood in my doorway , shocked at this invasion of my home . The burglar dropped my TV , pulled out a gun , and shot me . The bullet hit my leg . I collapsed , and he rushed past me out of my house . I was screaming . One of my neighbors must have heard my screams , or the gunshot , and called the police . My face was soaked in tears of pain when the ambulance finally arrived . At the hospital , the doctor told me that the bullet hadn 't quite hit the bone , but was still in my leg and would need to be removed . I would be fine , they assured me . The painkillers were beginning to set in by then , so my leg didn 't hurt as much , but I felt betrayed by the world at the invasion of my home by the burglar and of my body by the bullet . I didn 't think I would be fine . The operation was successful . All my friends stopped by the hospital to give their condolences and express their shock . All except Zandra , and again I felt betrayed . So what if it wasn 't a Saturday ? So what if she was busy ? I waPosted by I like a good prank as well as the next person . And since I can shift skins , my pranks tend to be better than most . But it was only supposed to be a harmless prank . I didn 't know I was the one being tricked . I should have been suspicious . After all , Ashley had been introduced to me by a mutual friend who 'd told me , " She can do the same thing as you ! Useful , in her line of work - she 's a con artist . " Ashley told me as much herself , when I finally met her , but it didn 't really bother me . She had a good sense of humor , and though we didn 't became close friends , we always had fun when we hung out . It was my idea to take each other 's shapes , and Ashley enthusiastically agreed . " And then we have to do something totally outrageous as the other person , and then when people get upset , we can show that we were somewhere else ! " " Like what ? " " We can each decide what the other person does , in our shape . C ' mon , Nick , it 'll be fun . " " I didn 't say I don 't want to do it . I 'm just thinking about what " Nick " should do . " She laughed . " I 'm sure you 'll come up with something good . " We spent some time thinking about it . Finally , Ashley suggested , " We can go over to your girlfriend 's ; me as you and you as someone else , and see how long until she realizes I 'm not you . " " That seems kind of unfair to Melissa . " " C ' mon , it 's a joke . It 's not like you won 't be there , and we don 't have to keep it up if it gets uncomfortable . " I agreed , eventually , because I knew Melissa 's expression when she realized would be priceless . Ashley took my shape , and I took the shape of one of my friends , Jacob . Ashley knocked on the door . Melissa opened it . Her gaze briefly swept over us before settling on me . " Hi , Nick . And , Nick 's friend who looks just like him . " Her face registered nothing . Ashley , however , was gaping . I am rarely shocked , so it was weird to see the expression on my face . Melissa invited us in , and Ashley and I returned to our normal shapes . I introduced them , and explaPosted by I crouch hidden by shadow in the branches , holding a dart , waiting for the perfect moment . That moment never comes . My target sees me . He ducks , and lunges , and I am on the ground , the dart knocked out of my hand . He carefully examines my weapon . " Poisoned , " he says in disgust . He calls two other men over . They bind my hands and feet , and my life is over . They don 't kill me . They don 't give me that mercy . I would have killed them , quietly , with a minimum of suffering , not dragged them away from their homes and their lives and their freedom , as they now do to me . I know what happens to those who are caught by their enemies . I would have jabbed the dart 's tip into my own hand , if I had the chance . But my last resort is gone , and they march me on , every step taking me away from my home . They march me along , through the jungle I grew up in , past the beautiful palace of our queen , over roads leading to the homes of my friends . I will never see any of these places again . We are a peaceful people . We kill to eat , and we kill in self - defense . Once , we rarely needed to . Now nearly every intruder onto our lands is raider , there to kill and enslave us . We fight to stay alive , and free , under the onslaught . Or perhaps I should say they fight , now . I have lost . No . I won 't give up yet . They march me though the jungle for five days . Then the trees begin to thin , and a little after noon on the fifth day , we emerge onto the plains . The brightness blinds me . I 've lived all my life under the shade of trees , but here the sun reflects off every blade of golden - brown grass . The sea of shining grass would be beautiful , in a way , if I had chosen to come here . And if the plain was not covered by a small army of raiders , camped , for now , but clearly heading into the jungle . My captors shove me into a tent . Another man is standing there , looking at me . Like the landscape , he would be handsome if I did not hate him . " We got another one , " one of my captors told him . " I can see that , " he says coldly . " Leave her with mPosted by Anyone searching for the truth is trouble , and this woman was no exception . She seemed nice enough , and probably was , but that didn 't mean much - it usually is the nice ones who have trouble clinging to them like flies on carrion . I knew what she was after as soon as she knocked on my door . " You won 't find it here , " I said . She was startled , and a little confused , so she ignored my words and went ahead with what she had clearly been planning to say . " My name 's Alkoury . I 'm looking for the truth . " " Like I said , you won 't find it here . " Maybe I should have closed the door in her face , but I live a long way from anywhere , and I thought I might as well hear her out before sending her away empty handed . So I let her in , offered her a drink , and waited for her to start asking questions best left unasked . Alkoury jumped right into the heart of it . " What really happened in the Cave of Shadows ? " " No , " I said . She ignored it . " Two men went into that cave , and only you came out , along with something … else . Something evil . It 's still out in the world , wreaking harm . We deserve to know what happened . " " You don 't really want to know . " " I do . " " The truth is like a feral cat , " I warned her . " You might think that you want it , that you can handle it . You might try to tame it , or think that you own it . And then it scratches your eyes out . " " I think you 're being too hard on feral cats . " " Perhaps . But we 're not talking about cats . " " I want the truth , " Alkoury insisted . " Then you have to hunt it down and capture it . " " Why not just tell me ? Save me the trouble , and get a burden off your chest while you 're at it . " I shook my head . " Some things are better off kept secret . " " I don 't believe that . " " I know . That 's why I won 't tell you . " I wouldn 't have told her anyway . Even those who believe in the value of secrets don 't always keep them . But Alkoury wouldn 't even have tried . " I will find out , " she said . She probably would . " Why do you even care ? Posted by ? 2 |
Disclaimer : The author of this work in no way claims the events represented in this story are factual . Should anyone represented in this work of fiction read this ( which I doubt they will ) and take offense , please know no offense was intended upon writing this alternate version of reality . Please , if you are easily offended , do not read this . This story contains strong language and adult content . The next day I went over to Christine 's and lounged around chatting with her for a good part of the day until Paul showed up and three quickly became a crowd . They talked about maybe going to the Ad Lib later that night and wanted to know if I wanted to come along . I told them I would and we all smoked a joint before I hit the road . By the time I got back to my apartment I was high and extremely relaxed . So much so , in fact , that my eyelids felt very heavy and laying down was all I could think about , so I sprawled out on my plush sofa to take a nap . It seemed as if I had just closed my eyes when there was a knock at my door . Startled , I sat straight up and momentarily forgot where I was . I sat still on my sofa , allowing myself to become more and more aware of my surroundings , until there came another knock on the door . My apartment was dark . What the hell time was it ? How long had I been asleep ? It felt like I had just lain down . " That 's right , ' cause I 'm going to be here tonight , love , " he grinned . " Come on , I 'm starving . Let 's go for a bite . Unless you have something I can eat , " he wiggled his eyebrows mischievously . He looked so attractive in black pants , a white sweater , and brown suede coat . His hair was a little windblown , but it looked beautiful to me . It was getting a little longer now and I liked it that way . It was swept across his forehead and slightly tucked behind his ears . His nose and cheeks were rosy from the cold weather . He squinted at me as I watched him , and then he raised one eyebrow questioningly . But just as he was about to pull a face , the person on the other end of the phone must have spoken , because he became distracted and started talking to whoever he was on the phone with . I didn 't even pay attention to what he was saying . I just watched him , thinking what a marvelous creature he was . He was absolutely perfect : full eyebrows , a nice square jaw , and broad shoulders . But the more I watched him , the more I began to think about him … and then about Cynthia , and the things she had said to me the day before . And I wanted so badly to talk to him about it , but I had no idea where to even begin . Maybe I shouldn 't mention it at all ? I decided to wait until an opportunity presented itself . I didn 't want to just bring it up out of the blue . " But I didn 't ask you , " I grinned . " I 'll just be a second , " I said , pulling away from him and running to my bedroom so I could change clothes . " Where are we going ? " I shouted from my bedroom . I pulled on some green tights and a short brown sweater dress , and a pair of brown go - go boots . I combed my hair very quickly and just left it down . Then I stuck on some false eyelashes and made my way out of the bedroom . " Good God , woman , now you look too good to take out . I 'll be driven mad with jealousy if anyone else dares look at you . So , I think it best to keep you here . Get over here , " he said in a demanding and hungry voice . " Bloody hell , Maggie , " he moaned in my ear , his breath hot on my neck as I continued to rub him . " No , no , you have to stop , love … " he gasped . " Oh shit … Please … Oh fuck … I told Rich and Mo we 'd meet ' em in a half hour and the place is a ways away . " " Aye . Them and Neil , " he gasped . " But now what am I supposed to do ? My fuckin ' prick 's all hard and I 'm supposed to think about food ? " " Oh no , Mr . Lennon , that won 't do at all , " I said , bringing my lips so close to his they were almost touching . " I want all of you and there 's no time for that right now , " I said with a kiss and then I slapped him on the behind . " Step outside where it 's nice and cold while I go put a coat on and that will fix your little problem . " I rolled my eyes and left him so I could go and find my coat . I pulled my long chocolate brown coat on and then remembered a hat I had recently purchased . It was a wide - brimmed floppy green hat that was nothing like anything I had ever seen or worn , but I liked it and it matched my tights , so I put it on and headed out . John was already waiting in the car , so I hurried and locked up my apartment so I could go and join him . I just laughed and pushed him off of me . It didn 't even really bother me anymore when he said things like that in front of his driver . I suppose once you 've screwed in front of someone , you 're a little less concerned about what else they might possibly think of you . The damage had already been done . I 'm sure I couldn 't sink any lower in his driver 's book . After some time of traveling , John 's driver let us out in an alleyway and we walked a little ways down the alley before we reached an unmarked door . " Sure , love . You can 't expect me to go in the front door of these places , can you ? Especially not when I 'm sneaking around with the likes of you ! " " It 's freezing out ! Are we going to just stand here all night ? " I asked . John shook his finger at me and made a funny little sound , then knocked on the door . A tall , thin man dressed in a tuxedo opened the door and greeted John , while obligingly acknowledging me as well . We passed through the kitchen doors into in a dimly lit restaurant . The man turned to his immediate right where there was a table in the dark corner , away from the business of the general patrons . And already seated at the table were a very happy looking bunch , eating bread and sipping wine . " Gerroff , Neil . You 're only here for the benefit of all these other people . Remember that ! " John said , in a tone making it unclear as to whether he was joking or not . We all talked and joked around as we ate a lovely dinner of richly flavored French food followed by delicious pastries . I was surprised to see that no one bothered us . The guys were always complaining that they couldn 't go out anywhere and I knew it was true , but in this place you wouldn 't ever suspect they might have was such problems . In fact , I didn 't even see anyone looking in our general direction . Though , it is true that the patrons in that particular restaurant were not exactly the type to listen to rock ' n ' roll . Still , surely they knew who the Beatles were ? Surely they recognized John and Ringo ? If they did they certainly weren 't letting on . John said that even though he and Ringo are rich like them , the type of people in that restaurant still look down on them . But that it makes it easier for them to eat in peace . He waited on Neil and I to get out and the three of us walked into the club together . A couple microphones were stuck in John 's face and he mumbled an answer or two to the reporters ' incessant questions and I saw a couple of flashes go off , so I knew they had gotten pictures . I only hoped it looked like it was Neil and I who were together rather than John and me . Ringo and Maureen had pulled up right behind us , and were following close behind , so thankfully some of the attention was drawn away from us and focused on the two of them . And for the most part , it worked . Ringo followed Neil on past the crowd , though we were all afraid he might have another outburst when we heard snickers coming from the group of photographers . Neil quickly ushered us into the club and we narrowly averted another scene from erupting . I was just thankful John had not had as much to drink as Ringo had or there definitely would have been a scene . I had a mental picture of John punching out a photographer after a photo had been snapped of the two of us together and during the mêlée , a second photographer getting a picture of John in full swing . And I could just see the headlines : BEATLE JOHN PUNCHES CAMERAMAN IN ORDER TO PROTECT GIRLFRIEND ' S IDENTITY . Once inside the club , we all wandered over to an area in the back , in an awkward silence . And even after we had all taken a seat , no one spoke . Neil motioned to a waitress to bring us some drinks . She sat them on the table in front of us and John picked his up and took a drink . " So is that what you done with my camera that you borrowed then ? You know , the one that you claim to have lost ? " John asked Ringo . Then everyone erupted in laughter . John was always good at breaking the ice in awkward situations . After we had been at the club for a little while , Christine and Paul showed up . " Hey ! It 's becoming a circus out there , " Paul said as they sat down . " You mean you didn 't smile for the cameras , Paulie ? " Maureen teased . " Of course I did . You think I 'd deny ' em of this face ? " he flashed his most dashing smile . " Oooh , did you do the eyes then , Macca ? " John exclaimed . " Eh ? Did you now , Rich ? Well , I 'd like to , but it might mess up my hands , you know , ruin my bass playing , " Paul said , holding his hands out in front of him to admire them . " Well I 'm just fuckin ' sick of it . The last few times we 've come to this bloody club they been lurking around out there . And I don 't see anyone making ' em leave , you know , " Ringo said . " Well , I 'm done . It 's bloody bullshit 's all it is . And the scene here 's dead anyhow , " John added . " Maybe next time we should go to The Scotch instead ? " Neil suggested . No one responded , but the looks that passed between the three Beatles made it perfectly clear that they agreed . The nights of hanging around in the Ad Lib were over . We all sat around drinking , the boys smoking ; enjoying our unspoken last night in the familiar haunt . We danced a little and everyone was good and drunk . That is , until a sobering sight walked into the club and over to our area . It was George and Pattie and with them … Cynthia . Even though John had his arm around me and Christine , I immediately moved away from him at the sight of Cynthia . The lighthearted tone of voice that John had previously been using instantly vanished , and in its place , one of resentment and anger . " Well , lovely to see you too John , " Cynthia replied . " He 's fine . You don 't honestly think I 'd leave him all alone ? " she asked , forcing a bit of a chuckle . I glanced around the group at all the uneasy faces and felt awful for Cynthia . She must have been so embarrassed . Then I noticed George . He looked upset . Almost frightened . And I wasn 't sure why , until Cynthia spoke again . John looked at George and I saw George swallow hard , as if waiting for his tongue - lashing , but it didn 't come . Instead of saying anything else , John brought his cigarette to his lips and puffed on it , brooding in silence . " Oh my God , Maggie , " Pattie suddenly exclaimed . " I was going to get that exact hat the other day when I went shopping round Bazaar . It 's fab ! Oh , I 'm so bummed I didn 't get it . Got side tracked , you know . Mary started showing me this new collection she 's putting together and I forgot all about it . I can 't believe you 've got it ! " she said excitedly . " You know what ? " I asked Pattie . " If you like it that much , it 's yours , " I said , taking the hat off and handing it to her . " No , really . I like it all right , but I was never that crazy on it . Not like you are , at least ! " I said with a giggle . John was on edge with Cynthia being there . And the overall atmosphere was noticeably tenser . But , things loosened up a bit when Mick Jagger , Keith Richards and a few of their sycophants arrived . Before too long a couple members of the Byrds came over . By that point , our group had grown so large it was taking over almost half the club and everyone was having a good time . Even John had relaxed a bit , though not without getting in a few snide remarks about Mick and other members of their entourage . I had gone to dance with Keith and since we had returned I was sitting on the complete opposite side of our group , which was practically on the other side of the room , from where John was seated . And Cynthia was sitting a couple of people down from John , speaking to a woman that I did not know . John stared at me , with a sly little smile on his face , from across the room . Our eyes would meet occasionally , but I was sure not to look too long and would quickly look away before I thought anyone had noticed . And I couldn 't help but smile at his cheekiness . Some nerve he had to be doing that right in front of his wife ! I tried to avoid him by talking to other members of our party . Most of the guys were talking music and I wasn 't familiar with all the technicalities , so their conversation didn 't interest me much . But there were a couple of girls sitting near me who were discussing art , so I tried to involve myself in their discussion . But even when I wasn 't looking at John , I could feel his eyes burning into me . And sure enough , when I looked over at him , he was still watching me intently . I widened my eyes at him to let him know I wanted him to stop , but he just laughed . I must admit there was something strangely fun about sneaking secret glances at one another . Until , that is , Cynthia noticed him looking in my direction and she looked over to see what he was staring at . And before I had time to turn away , our eyes met . I became flustered as I saw a strange look on Cynthia 's face and felt my face become hot with embarThe rest of us stayed at the Ad Lib for another hour or so after Ringo , Maureen , and Cynthia left , and then we all pretty much decided it was time to go as well . Our group broke into smaller ones as we left the club . I asked Paul and Christine to take me home and John and Neil left at the same time . Sure enough there were still cameramen outside , snapping our pictures as we left . But I totally avoided John and instead , climbed into Paul 's car and took off with him and Christine . Shortly after I arrived home , as I was changing into my pajamas , there was a knock on my door . I opened it to a rush of cold November air . I took the chair next to the couch and began to tell him everything Cynthia had said to me when we were at his house . I told him about how glad she was that we had made friends and about how I wasn 't really sure if she truly believed that we were just friends or not . And to my surprise John expressed a concern about the subject . He may not have been in love with Cynthia , but I was no fool . He did love her . He cared about her and didn 't really want to hurt her , which was part of the reason for staying with her . Before too long our conversation about Cynthia led John to talk to me about his relationship with Julian . He told me how much he loved him ; but that no matter how he tried , he just didn 't feel like he was a good father . And he didn 't think he had the ability to be a good father . " You know , when Cyn had Julian I didn 't even get to hospital until a whole week later ! But when I did , and I held him , I could barely believe me eyes ! He was so perfect , you know ? And he was mine . . . But that moment was the closest I ever felt to Julian … Christ , it 's so fuckin ' hard to say that out loud . I 've only ever thought these things , you know ? I 've never told anyone . Makes me feel like a fucking shit to actually say it , " John said in a shaky voice . " It 's okay to say it out loud , John . It doesn 't make you a terrible person , or even a terrible father . It 's just how you feel . You can 't control that , " I tried to console him . " I 'm away from him so much it 's like I don 't even really know him . It 's like he 's Cyn 's kid and I just come around to visit . I don 't know what to do with him when I am here and yet , every day I 'm away from him I feel guilty , you know ? But at the same time , it 's almost easier to be away . . . To distance myself from the situation . Christ , when he 's around , Paul 's more of a bloody father to Julian than I am ! And sometimes I find myself resenting Paul for that . But it 's my own fault , you know . It 's just not in my nature , or something , to be a father . I dunno really , " he said , his eyes welling up with tears . " You shouldn 't resent Paul for that . You 're right . He loves Julian . But he loves him because he loves you , John . You and him are so close that he probably feels like Julian is his kid too in a way . And I don 't think that it 's not in your nature to be a father . I think maybe there 's some other reason it 's difficult for you . I 'm just not sure what that may be yet , " I said . " It 's my own dad , you know ? It 's all his fuckin ' fault that I 'm so screwed up . It 's his fault I can 't be a father . Everything that 's ever happened bad in my life has been because of that fucking bastard . " " Because I love you and I don 't like to see you upset , " I said . " And because you 're always so honest with me . You always just tell me exactly how you 're feeling and what you 're thinking no matter what . " " Because I haven 't been as honest with you , John . And I want to be , but it 's so difficult . But then , I know it must be hard for you to tell me everything you 've told me too . " " Fuck 's sake , love , I 'm so sorry , " John said , now consoling me . He ran his fingers through my hair lovingly . " So , " I exhaled deeply , " my parents are really just my adopted parents . The thing is … they didn 't feel like it was appropriate to tell me until I was about fifteen . And that 's already a hard age to be , you know ? So I was really angry with them for that . And … I don 't know … Something snapped in my brain , I guess . . . It was just all too much . " " Exactly . I don 't know how I thought that was going to help . I don 't suppose it did help , really … But that 's what happened . And since then I guess I 've just been too ashamed to tell anyone . So even though Christine was my best - friend , I never told her . " " That 's not giving her very much credit , you know . I think she 's a better friend than that . She 'd never judge you for something that was out of your control , love . " The conversation about my family led John to tell me more about his mother . He told me about how his Aunt Mimi raised him , but that his mother didn 't live far away . And that he saw her everyday . And she would let him and his friends come over and curse , and smoke , and play rock ' n ' roll records . It was the most he had ever told me about her and judging by the stories he told me , she was quite a woman . In some strange ways , her personality reminded me of myself . Or , maybe it was just the way John viewed her that reminded me of myself . I could tell by the way he talked about her that he missed her very greatly . He got choked up just speaking of the memories he had of her . " Oh , I can 't do that , you know . Paul 's done ' Yesterday ' and that was sort of about his mum . Everyone will think I 'm copying him . Especially Paul . " " What did you just tell me about Christine ? Hmmm ? You said I should give her more credit and that she 's a better friend than that , right ? Well , I think you should do the same with Paul . I can tell he cares very deeply for you , John . In a way , I think he looks up to you . He may be cocky and all that , but he would understand you wanting to write a song about your mother . If anyone would understand that , it would be Paul . " " I suppose you 're right . But it 'll take some time , you know . It 'll have to be just right or I won 't release it . " We moved our conversation to my bedroom and John stripped down to his underpants and we climbed into bed , talking the whole time . It was already around five o ' clock in the morning and I was exhausted . But John and I had not really had an intense conversation like this before , so I wasn 't about to stop him from telling me anything he wanted to . We talked for a while longer and during a pause in our conversation I heard him begin to snore . I smiled to myself and curled up next to him , feeling the warmth of his body against mine and quickly joined him in blissful slumber . I awoke the next morning to John 's warm kisses on the back of my neck . I could feel his erection hard against my bottom and his arms squeezed me to him tightly . I needed to get up and get ready for school , but being in his arms at that moment felt much too wonderful to want to go anywhere . It was the first full night that he had spent with me that we had not slept together and it felt nice to sleep with each other without having sex . But now I wanted him more than ever . I turned in his arms so that I was facing him and our lips met . His kiss was sweet and loving . And then we made love . It was slow and passionate and more loving than anything I had ever felt . It was the first time that sex with John was more than just amazing sex . In fact , it was the first time I had ever really and truly made love . And it was unbelievable . It was like pure magic . There was no other way to describe it . We moved completely in sync . He anticipated my every need , my every desire and I did the same for him . It was like we were one person ; two parts of a jigsaw puzzle that fit perfectly together as one piece . And in the end , we reached a mind - altering simultaneous orgasm , leaving us both trembling from the aftershocks . It was all so beautiful , so incredibly emotional , that I began to cry . John gently kissed away my tears . I nodded my head . I knew I was going to have to get up and get ready for school , but I didn 't want to . I didn 't want to leave him . Ever . But that wasn 't logical either . And deep down I knew that . " Oh , no . Please . Please stay here with me today . I don 't have to go into the studio ' til nine o ' clock tonight . " " Oh , John , please don 't do that to me , because I want to stay here . Believe me . I would love to stay here with you … like this … all day . But I just can 't . I have to go to school , " I said , getting out of the bed . " Oh , I know . Got to get your education and that , right ? Well , fine , love . Go ahead . I 'll just sleep a bit more and leave a little later if it 's all the same to you , " he yawned . He looked so adorable lying there with the blanket just over his waist and legs , his tiny little nipples exposed to the chilly air in my bedroom . His reddish - brown hair was sticking up in all directions with pieces stuck to his forehead . I went back over to him and took his face in my hands . And I died a little when he spoke those words . He was always such a poet , even when he said such simple things . I hated to leave him . Especially after the amazing night and morning we had , but I had to . I kissed him once more and tore myself away so I could go take a shower . When I was done showering , John was fast asleep and I went over and kissed him , but he didn 't stir . I made a bit of eggs and toast and tea and left it on the oven where he could find it when he woke up . And once I was ready for school , I decided just to leave without waking him to tell him goodbye . No need to disturb him when he was sleeping so soundly . But as I was on my way out the door , the telephone rang . I rushed over to answer it before the ringing woke John up . " Well , that 's definitely more notice than I was given last time I worked with him . Four days notice this time . . . Not too bad , considering . Sure , Lydia , I don 't see a problem with Thursday . I liked working with Claude . " Her words echoed in my head . Paris ? He wanted me to do a shoot in Paris ? I had never even been to Paris . Thursday wasn 't short notice for another job in London , but it was extremely short notice for a trip to Paris . " Well , now that is entirely up to you , deah . I 'm sure there 's something you can work out with your Headmaster if you 're insistent upon staying in school . But honestly , what 's more important , dahling ? School or money ? I mean , you are going to school with the hopes that doing so will lead you to earning more money , correct ? So , you 'd just be skipping the tedious part of attending all those boring lectures everyday and going straight for the paycheck . And this job will definitely pay , deah . You 've yet to make anything like the pay you 'll receive from this Paris job . I don 't see how you can pass up this opportunity , quite honestly . I think you 'd be quite mad to say no . " In a strange yet somewhat manipulative way , Lydia was right . I couldn 't pass up the opportunity . I had never been to Paris and I could certainly use the " life experience . " Not to mention the adventure … The money . . . But at the same time , there was John to think about . How could I leave him after everything that has happened between us ? Everything we 've shared ? As close as we 've become ? I wasn 't sure either of us would be able to bear being apart from one another for three whole weeks . But the more I thought about it , the faster and harder the reality of the situation hit me . This fantasy relationship I was in with John was all fine and good , but no matter how much the two of us loved each other , the awful truth was that John was married . Besides that , he was in a band . A world famous band that was his top priority , above all else . . . including me . I feared I was becoming too attached to John . As nice as everything currently was , it didn 't change things much when it came right down to it . Some space … some distance between us would probably serve both of us very well . And before I could think things out any further , I felt myself speaking , " Oh marvelous , dahling ! I 'll phone his studio right away . He 'll be just ecstatic . Ta - ta for now , deah , " Lydia rang off . I slowly hung up the phone , in shock over what had just transpired . I gathered my book bag from my dining table and slowly turned the knob to open my front door . But not before looking down the hallway into my bedroom . I could see John lying there peacefully . He looked like an angel when he slept . My heart ached . What had I just agreed to ? How was I ever going to leave him ? And even more challenging , how was I going to tell John the news ? He was surely going to be upset . I took a deep breath and stepped outside into the chilly November morning . Maybe the cold air would help clear my head ? God knows I needed something that would . Freda lives in a daydream where everything is possible and nothing is off limits . This story is her first attempt at fanfiction and she would greatly appreciate your feedback . Thanks for stopping by ! |
I called every number I could find for C . O . I . L . and The Learning Bank this morning , and they were all disconnected or reassigned to new owners . I sent a letter to the C . O . I . L . office just over a year ago . It never came back , but I had no reply . Sent a letter to the house over a month ago , with the same result . Judy Bushong helped me find the current owner of the house , apparently an absentee landlord in Salisbury . I sent a letter there overnight , will see if the phone rings . It looks like I 'm just going to be knocking on doors Thursday and seeing what happens . Maybe it 's been long enough that every trace is fading away . Maybe I 'll be Silas Marner returning to Lantern Yard . I finished listening to A Single Man tonight , and don 't want to dilute it with podcasts , so I 'm listening to music while I wash the dishes , finding recordings I had when Dan and I were together . Through the miracles of the modern world , a moment 's search on Spotify , a glance at CD covers , and the tap of a finger give me the exact Lou Harrison album of Christmas 1994 . I 'm sitting in the chair by the front window while it plays , watching the snow fall on Carey Street and overdosing on the giant canister of green mint M & Ms someone 's given us , while my wonderful love sleeps in the bedroom , and I 'm fully aware that I 'm by far the luckiest creature on the face of the earth . The Lodge Road house appears to have been bought by a family with children . They 've done a little landscaping and added a patio in the backyard , but it 's otherwise as I left it . I Tweeted a photo to Steve , who shared my dismay over their inexplicable walling in of the sunroom . As I drove through the neighborhoods , I found my index finger working overtime , pointing at this , and that , and behind to the other , and gesturing over the hill to where yet another place slotted into my mind 's map . I was amazed at just how many memories I have around there . I forget that Catonsville encompasses so many phases in my life , pre - and post - Dan , pre - and post - Glenn , from music days to freshmeat co - workers . From a distance , I can see the major landmarks , but being there fills in dozens of little pieces and people and events which go with them . After stopping to establish the atmosphere with a cup of Royal Farms coffee , I pulled into the parking lot of the old high school and looked across at the house where I was renting the basement when I met Dan . The yard looked like a bazaar , so I thought that either Terry still lived there and was still running the never - ending yard sale , or the new owners had kept up the tradition . When I knocked , a man answered and told me Terry Kemp still lived there and was his wife ( Terry Sann , as I later learned ) . We spoke for a few minutes and I gave him my contact information for Terry . Then , as I turned to leave , Terry pulled into the driveway . She got out , crooked her head to one side and said , " Is that Jeff ? " We hugged and went in and talked for an hour . We sat in what was my kitchen . Terry and her husband Kenny moved to the first floor after he had surgery to put metal plates in his back . I told her about the reason for my trip . She remembered Dan from when he 'd meet me at my place . I 'd forgotten that she 's one of those ever - rarer people who laid eyes on Dan , even if she didn 't know him well . The boyfriend I knew is gone , and Terry and Kenny have been married 13 years . Her daughter Melia did well at Towson University and is a birthing nurse in New Freedom , Pennsylvania . Terry 's been unemployed for two years after teaching music in schools , and hustles at this and that , as ever . Kenny works as a mechanic , and the two of them sell fish from their property on the Eastern Shore ( she also has land in Romney , where Flossy and Rick have their campsite ) . Terry sold tomatoes from the stand in the front yard , and they were so popular that people would get her out of bed to see if she had any more . Now the stand holds miscellaneous bric - a - brac , sold on the honor system . Scattered around the house are many terrific watercolors Terry 's painted and has been selling at art shows . She 's finishing a Master 's Degree in music education , but always has a dozen schemes to fall back on if nothing comes of it . She 'll always be a survivor . I left her and took a walk to soak up the old neighborhood and loosen my neck . I stopped and had a smoothie at a hippie pizza place now occupying the space which used to be the dance studio where I took my first Tai Chi lessons . The other end of the building used to house the store where I bought supplies for Dan when he started saying Mass again . Beyond that , the soccer fields and the tree under which I used to sit and read . [ 14 : 29 ] Recreating that first drive to Dan 's house , getting halfway before realizing it 's not right . I must have come from the college . # ah # well I headed down Frederick Road intending to recreate my first drive to Dan 's house , but realized halfway that I was on the wrong side of Loudon Park Cemetery . I must have gone straight from campus to our first date . Was I working at the library that night ? I remember I used to use the phone in the staff lounge to check my City Paper voicemail for replies to my personal ad . I wonder if that 's where I first heard your voice . Do you remember what you said ? You wanted me to know you were still vital despite your age , and said you 'd been hiking in Patapsco State Park the weekend before . You later added the detail that a group of Cub Scouts appeared behind you , and you overexerted yourself hurrying up the ridge trail because you weren 't going to let them pass you . I liked the sound of your voice , and was excited as I drove into the city , cautiously optimistic despite a bad experience with the first man I 'd met . It was already dark when I pulled up on Carey Street , and I climbed the stoop and knocked expectantly . You opened the door , all smiles and welcoming , and I just remember thinking , " My God , he 's gorgeous … ! " I crossed over to Wilkens Avenue to get back on track , and realized I was going past Rheb 's Candy Company . I turned down the alley , and there it was , same as ever . I went in and hunted among the displays for our old standbys , the truffles coated in sprinkles , and they were just bringing out fresh trays of them . How many of those boxes did we go through ? We never made a trip without one riding on the seat between us . I remember when we gave one to Marie , and it was so rich she nearly choked . Things looked much the same when I pulled up on our block , except that a park had been created where the houses across the street had burned down , with two murals on the still - standing buildings . I was surprised to see St . Luke 's still in operation . I took a deep breath and started toward the door , but didn 't get to make my knock . It opened as I approached , and a young man was coming out . He was a polite young fellow , and interested when I said I 'd lived there 20 years before . He said he and his family had only been there for a month , so they wouldn 't have gotten the letter I sent to the house a few months before . He guessed I was hoping to go inside , but his mother was out and he was home alone with his sister , so he couldn 't let me in . He sped off with a friend on a moped , and I knocked next door . Linda opened it , looking just the same , gold tooth still shining . She hung back , saying " Yes ? " , until I told her who I was , and she laughed . She was wondering who this white boy was . She thought I was another of the gas and electric people , asking if she wanted to change her service . She 's doing well , still running her daycare . Her daughter went on to college , did very well there , and has a good career now . She says several of the old neighbors are still there . Sissy 's still on the corner , and several of her relatives about . She still remembers Catherine , who lived in her house before her . Catherine must have been in her 80s , and must have died shortly before Dan did , since I don 't remember her at his funeral , and I know Linda came soon after Dan was gone . Catherine was the grandmother to the whole neighborhood . She lived in that house when she was a child , then I believe moved to the Eastern Shore and came back in her old age . She remembered when the streets were lined with trees and no one locked their doors . There were benches on the sidewalk , and they would sleep out there on hot nights and no one would bother them . What changes she saw in a single lifetime . Linda said there hasn 't been a good neighbor in our house since I left . After Dan 's sister gave the house to her son , Howard , he did just a little work on it and moved in a woman who got into the drugs and gangs and got pregnant by one of the boys in the neighborhood . After she moved out , there was another tenant or two , then the house sat empty for years . Someone eventually stole the central air conditioning unit out of the backyard . A new owner recently bought it , did repairs , and has moved in a series of tenants who have all been disasters . She said it 's probably for the best that I didn 't get in the house , that I 'd probably be depressed by the state of it . She may be right . I did note that our Venetian blinds are still in the second floor windows , now tattered and hung sideways , and I wondered what else of ours might still be in there , and what memories it might have provoked . I wished her and her daughter well , and let her get back to her kids . I took some photos of the house , still just the same except for a satellite dish screwed into the bricks . I walked around to the back and found the alley almost impassable . The whole neighborhood feels rougher , dirtier , and more run - down . The yard , once vibrant with Dan 's flowers , is sterile now . There are two large trees growing by the fence . I remembered Dan had cut wine casks in half , lined them up there , and filled them with plantings . I checked the base of the trees , and as I 'd suspected , found they had grown around rusty , twisted bands , all that 's left of the long - rotted - away casks , and are remnants of Dan 's garden . I walked down the alley to the Agape House . It 's hard to imagine that the neighborhood was once prosperous enough to support a church like St . Luke 's , with such an imposing rectory and a fulltime staff . It looked empty , and a sign on the door said " No trespassing " . The street was much the same as before , just fallen deeper into disrepair , except that the lot on the opposite corner sported a long tent in the shape of a half - cylinder , with vegetables growing under it . My hopes rose when I saw the C . O . I . L . logo still in the window , but fell again when I got closer and saw the windows were covered with brown paper . There were four - to - five - year - old magazines laying in the windowsills , and a big stack of mail on the floor behind the letter slot . I pictured the letters I 'd written to the office at the bottom of the pile . I asked two men on the street if they knew what had happened to C . O . I . L . One had just starting working for a property management company which owned several buildings on the block . He didn 't know anything about the C . O . I . L . building , but suggested that I walk down to his office and ask his boss . The man from the barber shop two doors down said C . O . I . L . had closed several years earlier . He didn 't know what had happened to it . I thanked them and said I 'd go try at The Learning Bank , then try the landlord if I didn 't find out anything there . The building looked just the same as when C . O . I . L . opened it in 1995 , but instead of saying " The Learning Bank of C . O . I . L . " , the sign over the door read " The Urban Business Center " . It was dark inside , and the lobby had furniture pushed up to the sides , stacked up and wrapped in paper . Three of the outer doors were locked . The fourth let me into the foyer , and when I tried one of the inner doors , a lady at a desk 15 feet away shouted , " Can I help you ? " I shouted back that I was wondering what happened to The Learning Bank . She told me to wait a minute . When she came back with someone , she buzzed me in . Beyond the security desk where they were standing , the open stairwells showed three floors , clean and well - lighted , the basement full of neat rows of tables and the upper floors with classrooms ready for the evening 's students , a bright and cheerful contrast to the outside appearance . The lady who had come to see me was Stacy Smith . When I told her who I was and why I was there , we talked for over an hour . Stacy is the head of the organization currently running The Learning Bank building . C . O . I . L . didn 't exactly disappear , but evolved into a new group after a shakeup in 2005 during which they almost lost the building . They 're now supported entirely by the neighborhood and don 't seek grants or United Way funding . They still offer adult literacy classes and a variety of vocational courses . The doors were locked because they were rehabbing the lobby . The right side had a stand where some of the young people are going to work selling coffee and snacks , and both sides will be filled with chairs and tables and computers for people in the neighborhood to use to get on the Internet . The C . O . I . L . office building is going to be renovated into extra classroom space . She said that if my letters ever came , they must have gotten lost in the shuffle . The pile of mail I 'd seen over there was just a small part of the stack of junk they scoop off the floor each week . She had been in the neighborhood for years before , but didn 't know Dan and hadn 't been involved with C . O . I . L . until her arrival there in 2005 . She was curious to hear my memories of earlier days . She knew a lot of the people who 'd been active then . We reminisced about Rita McCurley and Jim Caskey ( who seems to live large in the local memory , although his savings and loan is gone ) . She didn 't know Joan Cooke , but reminded me of the Sisters Clair , Judith , and Mary Francis . She said Joyce Smith , who had worked out of the second floor of C . O . I . L . with the red - headed man who had run C . O . I . L . CEDC , was still in the neighborhood , and planted the garden under the tent I 'd seen by the Agape House . She remembered when St . Luke 's Rectory had been " The Respite " , run by Catherine ( not the Catherine who lived next to us ) . She said the Agape House closed . Only their catering business remains , and Reverend Robinson has moved it to another location . I asked her whether she thought anything of Dan 's might still be around . My memories of those days and the immediate aftermath are shaky , but I don 't remember cleaning out Dan 's office . I think we must have let the C . O . I . L . staff do it and return any personal belongings to us . I was particularly curious about the photo of Dan shaking hands with Barbara Bush which hung on the wall . To my delight , she said all of C . O . I . L . 's photos had been archived , and that students were going to be cataloging them and putting some on display in the lobby . She showed me a few which were already there of The Learning Bank over the years , including some of the original building across the street ( which I noticed had been razed ) , but none had Dan in them . She said she 'd be glad to have me come and help , and they might even interview me to record some of C . O . I . L . 's oral history . I can 't wait to see what pictures they may have of Dan . I thanked Stacy for letting me take up so much of her day , and headed back into the street . I took a stroll through Hollins Market and around a little bit of Sowebo , glad to see there were still little shops and cafes in the surrounding blocks . The Mexican restaurant was still there , the one where I met Joshin for lunch the day she asked me to take her side when the zendo was flying apart . I came back to C . O . I . L . and stood looking at the office for a very long time . A man came up on a bicycle and asked if I knew what this building was . I told him what Stacy had told me about the plans for it . I told him that it was the former C . O . I . L . offices and that my partner had been the executive director from 1978 to 1996 , that I was back to visit because we had met 20 years ago , 20 years ago today . He was interested and sympathetic . He said he 'd been in the neighborhood for 20 years and had taught at The Learning Bank . He 'd been on the other side of the housecleaning when Stacy had come in after the turmoil of 2005 . He wished me well and peddled off . I stood looking at the building for a long time again . A very , very long time . I could have stood there for days , years . Every feature of it reached back in my mind , and I saw so many memories . I imagined Dan so surprised and the staff delighted that first Valentine 's Day , when the florist walked in with a single rose in a vase for him . I remembered playing my Junior recital program for everyone on their lunch break . I remembered the nepotism of Dan hiring me to man the front desk , saying I could practice there , until I quickly annoyed the person in the front office . Above all , I saw two moments . I saw us sitting together in the front window . I looked over at Dan , staring thoughtfully up the street . My heart swelled with the joy of being with him . I leaned over and kissed him , and he smiled and chided me that someone might have walked by and seen . And I thought over and over and over , " That 's the door I walked through to tell them you were dead . " A man pulled up behind me in a pickup truck and asked if I knew what was happening with the building . I repeated Stacy 's news . When he thanked me and drove off , I saw the bicyclist at the end of the block , still watching me . I went back to the car for the trip 's great cathartic meltdown . [ 17 : 13 ] Wrapping up long day . Circling the block heading out of town , starting towards our house before I realize what I 'm doing . Hello , old habit . I eventually said goodbye , circled the block , and started up Carey . Something dwelling deep at the bottom of my mind saw the pattern of houses stretching up to Franklin Square and said , " Oh , almost home . " A navigator laid in the route , and someone asked , " Will Dan be there ? " Someone a little higher with access to memory answered , " No , of course Dan 's not there anymore . " Someone up top took in the Here and Now and cut in to say , " You idiots , " and I turned onto Baltimore Street . I drove a few blocks in to St . Peter 's . I looked at the steps down to the basement and thought of the times we 'd carry all of the food and supplies in and out for The Day at the Races , C . O . I . L . 's periodic fundraiser , where people would bet on the outcome of what looked to be 8mm films of horse races from the ' 70s . I always wondered a bit about the legality of this , but I guess it was all right for a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ) , like bingo for a church . It was Caskey 's pet project , as I recall . He promoted it because it was something people in the neighborhood would participate in . Dan didn 't think C . O . I . L . would be able to keep meeting its budget unless they also turned their focus to events which attracted the attention of people in wealthier parts of town who could make substantial donations . Fencing blocked the front sidewalk , except at a little opening where I went in and climbed the stairs . The interior was dark behind the workman who was pushing open the door as I approached . I could make out layers of scaffolding fading into the shadows . The one of the three workmen who spoke English said it was being completely renovated and it wasn 't safe for anyone to come in . I hadn 't been inside since the funeral , and had wondered if anything would look familiar . I later read that the diocese had sold the building to a Protestant congregation who were gutting and rebuilding it , so even if I had gotten in , I may have only seen it stripped bare . Maybe the windows would have prompted something . Probably not , since I was drifting through a fog when I was there . I do remember Father Roach talking about the years he 'd worked with Dan and all he 'd done for the community . I remember being surrounded by Barbara 's family , and Marie and Mike , and all the people from C . O . I . L . and the neighborhood and other organizations around the city . I remember getting into the Jeep and waiting for the hearse to pull out , Barbara getting overheated in the back , Mike saying it was bad for the car to run the air conditioner when it wasn 't moving , and me trying to convince him it was not an ordinary day . Only now do I remember that we must have come back here to the basement for the reception . C . O . I . L . organized it . Barbara and I had made all the other arrangements with Gary Kaufman , and would drive around settling the estate in the coming weeks . I drove down to park the car at the corner of Pratt and MLK . The day was running much longer than I 'd planned , and happily so . I 'd prepared myself for the possibility of coming downtown , finding nothing and no one , and heading home , and had instead spent hours on end between Terry , Linda , Stacy , and assorted strangers . The city was producing intelligence as quickly as I could consume it , and I had to start deciding how much more of my plan I wanted to pursue . All I 'd had since breakfast was the smoothie and a small red apple , and it was getting too late to eat and get to the zendo for evening service , as I 'd hoped to do , so I called Ron and asked if he wanted to have dinner together instead . He went to work on it , and I walked over to the hospital . I went down the alley and was surprised to literally come to a brick wall . I turned and saw a security guard watching me from a booth , and learned from him that I wasn 't lost , that the emergency room had moved around the corner two years before . I wasn 't going to be able to sit in the ER again , as I 'd done on that first anniversary , but I stood and stared for a long , long time . This is where it ended , if we can say it ended when I 'm still being drawn back here 17 years later . " That used to be the door where they wheeled you in " , I thought . " That was the door where I walked out without you . " I thought I 'd still try to get to Federal Hill , to that bench where I 'd sat that winter night with my arm around Dan , watching the city lights , but the rush hour traffic swept me along until the only real option was to get on 95 and take the tunnel out to Joan 's house . I found the street where she and her husband had lived when they 'd had Dan and me to dinner . I tried a couple of houses with lights showing , but both of the occupants were new to the neighborhood and couldn 't tell me whether a Joan Cooke still lived on the block . One pointed me to the house of a longtime resident , but he didn 't answer the door . Two more people I stopped on the street couldn 't help either , so I consoled myself with knowing I 'd tried . I went around the corner and sent Steve a photo of the old zendo , now a tax preparation business , and headed back to Ron 's . I met the Kindred Spirits for lunch , glad to have created an excuse for the whole gang to come out . I guessed they hadn 't all been together for a while , since they spent an hour and a half talking , mostly about the church . Ruth , Jack , Cindy , Bob , and Dale all made it . Ruth had emailed me before the trip to tell me Millie had recently died , but I only got a moment to offer Dale my condolences . I 'll have to write him when I get a chance . It was great to see everyone . Glenn would have enjoyed it so much . I wished I had his gift for tossing oddball randomness into the conversation for all to share . I took a turn through Linthicum and pulled up on Glendale Avenue . An HVAC truck was in the driveway , and when the workman told the owner I was there , he came out to see me . From the sales records , I thought the house had changed hands again , but it was still owned by the same couple , the ones I 'd missed meeting at the closing . He took me around the place to show me what he 'd been doing with it , and I pointed out some quirks and oddities I wish I 'd been able to share with him 18 months ago , especially regarding how to keep the sump pump working , which had been a minor disaster for him as it had been for us . He 's had to replace one thing after another , most recently the relatively new air conditioning system which no longer worked with the new furnace he had to put in because the old one started leaking gas . He 's redone the bathroom I had renovated to be handicapped - accessible for Glenn , and he 's started a war against the wilds of the backyard and the indestructible ivy , but mostly they 're just trying to wait out the money pit aspects of the old place until it gets stable enough to do the upgrades they want . They have a toddler daughter and a newborn son , and the house is a chaos of stuff piled everywhere . He 's doing the work himself and patiently getting through the necessities to find the time and money to make it into the home they want . In the meantime , they 're glad to be out of their condo and into a solidly - built house . He told me that Mr . and Mrs . Yi across the street have moved into a retirement community . They both had health problems , and Mrs . Yi was already on dialysis when Glenn died . I hated to hear they 've left their home . They were always so busy working in the yard . I hope they found a place where they can still get outside and maybe do some gardening . I 'll have to drop Susan a line . He said two ladies bought the house and are living there now . It 's nice to think that maybe the balance of the street has been reestablished , and the gay household has just moved to the other side . I took flowers down to Glenn , then hit a wall of stopped traffic across all the lanes of Route 50 in Annapolis . I got off and found it slow going , but luckily my memory of back streets was still intact , and I got to the low bridge over the river and bypassed the jam . Between the delays and the unexpected visit at the house , the day was again running long , and it was after 5 : 00 when I crossed the bay . I called Al and we decided to forget trying for dinner that night . I got some food and didn 't get to Mark and Charlotte 's until after 7 : 00 . They were very gracious about getting company so late , and we ate and visited for a couple of hours . Mark , Dan 's nephew , was the first of Barbara 's family I 'd seen since Howard came to get the keys to the house in 2001 . Mark and Charlotte live in a trailer with four cats and a dog , and somehow miraculously keep it neat and cozy . They had a hard time for quite a while after Mark became sick , but have been doing well since his disability claim was approved and they received retroactive payments for their wait . They seemed very happy , just wished they were closer to the rest of the family . We talked about some of their memories of Dan . They said they never saw much of him when they lived in Glen Burnie , because he was such a workaholic . They said that they had understood that he was dying when he returned from California , possibly of liver cancer . I 'd never heard that . I wonder what the real story was , since he lasted another 20 years ( thank goodness , for us ! ) . Talking about the Eastern Shore , Charlotte prompted my memories of all the day trips Dan and I made to lunch at The Town Dock in St . Michael 's . She said the only photos they had of the family were the ones from Barbara 's birthday party . I need to get around to asking Butch whether he has any I could help digitize and preserve and distribute to them and the rest of the clan . My neck and back were really questioning what was going on by this point , but I was so glad that they lasted for this last leg of the journey . I 'd seen some people in Baltimore who remembered Dan a little , and some who could tell me what happened to his legacy , but it made the trip complete to have the chance to sit down with his flesh and blood . What luck to have tracked them down again ! I thanked them for their indulgence , let them get to bed , and headed down to make my apologies to Al and tell him all that had happened . I woke with a combination of great regret at the idea of spending so little time with Al and misgivings about starting the six - hour drive home . I called Flossy . She was kind enough to take on another day of cat sitting duty , and Al and I slowed the pace for a relaxed weekend of R & R that I could barely bring myself to end the next day . 36 hours with Al , and the tenderest goodbye , and promises to get together again soon . The stars never lined up for us . If circumstances had ever been right … Another eternity of standing with you , bending down to put my hand over the " iel " . Thank you for the wonderful anniversary , my love , and for all the years you 've stayed with me . It wasn 't the way I 'd hoped we 'd celebrate it 20 years ago , but all day long , you kept sending people to say , " I 'm here ! I 'm still here . I 'll always be here . " I 'll be here , too . Here 's to our next 20 and 200 and 2 , 000 . [ 17 : 37 ] Feeling foolish to have thought we hadn 't made it to 20 years . How could we help it ? Let 's go home . |
I am sitting on my bed . It is a cold winter night . My name is Sean . No one can understand what 's happening to me . I get these headaches , I am having one right now . The sharp pain starts at the back of my neck , and goes to both sides of my head . Small flashes of light start to come from my eyes . My body freezes , as if a plug has been pulled from my mind . The pain increases , and I pass out . I wake up on my bed , with a cup of milk on the bedside table . I reach out for the glass , I feel like I haven 't drank anything in days . But before I can grab it , a hand pushes it away . " No , you can 't have some . Thanks for asking . " My older sister says . " Lucy , please . " I say . She rolls her eyes . " Fine . " She gives me the glass , but I almost drop it . Lucy grabs it right before it hits the ground . " Not surprised . You were out for weeks . I 'll get you something better for your throat . " Until Lucy said something , I didn 't realize that my throat hurt . " Thanks . " I choke . Lucy smiles , then leaves with the milk . Lucy is only older by a year , sometimes it 's like we 're twins . We look the same . People even think we are . Lucy comes back with some water . A glass for me , and a glass for herself . " How bad was it this time ? " She asked handing me the water . " Bad . I don 't know how to describe it . " I say holding the glass tightly . I take a sip , it helps a little . My head starts to spin . Don 't say it , " Zay , you haven 't posted in so long ! Could that really be you ? " Yeah , that . I know I know . So to make up for it , I made a the beginning of something that doesn 't have a name yet . If you don 't know what Vocaloids , or Utauloids , are look them up . If you have a name for this one , let me know . Oh , and please tell me if my Japanese is wrong ! My friends Kuro Neko , Neru , Gumi , Teto and I were at school with my twin Rin as well . Any time we had free , we would spend it with each other . We have a lot of time together because of the way our school works . Right now , we are on brake . Kuro comes up to me with a note . " Hello , Len . Still alone I see ? Want some company ? " She says trying to hide the note from me . " What you got there ? " I say pointing to the note . " Nothing . What 's up ? " I can always tell when Kuro is lying . You can see it in her body movements . She moves a little away from you in her leg that 's next , or in front , of you . Her right leg is a little far away from me right now . " はい . " She crinkles up the note and throws it in the trash . Rin walks away mumbling to herself about how she is going to get Kuro for making her mad . Teto is quiet most of the time , so she walked off with Kuro trying to calm her down a little . That left me , and Neru . Great . Neru pinches my shoulder . I turn around slowly . I really , really , don 't want to talk to her . " Yes . What is it ? " I say trying not to sound angry . Added to Interface by 20 . 5 Luke . Last Time : " If you touch her , I will kill you , " I say gripping my knife . Alice puts her hand on my shoulder . I grab it , and twist her arm . I put my rusty knife to her neck . " Luke , let me go . " Says Alice . I twist her arm more . " If you know anything about me , you would not play with my hart . " She vanishes into the air . Leaving me holding nothing . I close me hand . I start to cry . " I miss you too Clare . " I say to myself , knowing I can never see her again . I sit back down in Leann 's old char . I let my knife fall to the ground , putting my head in my hands and crying . I remember when she would hit me on the shoulder . When she would slap me , then kiss me . When I would just sit there and look into her brown eyes . She would laugh and hug me . When she would beat me with just her hands against my sword . Sometimes I wish I could 've stopped Leann . If I had been there , could I have saved her ? Or would I be dead too . I take my knife and put it to the side of my head . " If I push , will I be with you ? If I let life go , could I hold your hand again ? " I say . " No , I would be gone . I could still find you . You could 've lived . That 's silly , not even you could live through that . If only I could have stopped Leann . " I drop my knife . I pack up my things and go to find Sean . He may want to kill me , but maybe he can help me . When I find him , I see Alice . She quickly jumps away from me . " What do you want ? Do you wish to kill me ? " She says . Sean looks dead at her feet . " Is he dead ? " I ask her . " What ? Oh , Sean . No , just , overwhelmed . " She says . " I need his help . " " Sorry , he won 't help you . And either will I . " " You 're on your own . " She says and picks up Sean on her shoulders . They vanish . A little bit later , I come across a mention . It 's white walls make it look like a castle . It is at the top a of mountain . I sigh and start up the mountain . Added to Interface by ( If you read Pickle And Potato , you 've already seen some of this . But you probably don 't . It 's from my NaNoWriMo for this year ) Lilith stood outside the Cohen 's garage . She fiddled with the strap on her cello case awkwardly . Inside she could hear Nicki and Symon making indistinguishable noises . She wasn 't sure if they were shouting at each other , or making out . Either way , she didn 't really need to be a part of the conversation . She walked over to the front door and knocked . She made her way to the kitchen , and sat down at the center island on a barstool . Alex pulled two sodas out of the fridge , and handed one to Lilith . She was pleased to see that it was root beer , not ginger ale . " Sorry we don 't have anything caffeinated . My parents are convinced it 's bad for you . " She took a sip of her delicious sugary carbonated goodness . " I have reason to believe that my bandmates are either breaking up , or something completely different . I don 't know which I 'd like less . " " This is a tragedy ! " he pounded his fist against the counter island emphatically . " You are stunning . And I mean that in the least creepy friend of older sister 's way as possible . " She laughed . " Thanks Alex . You can 't change the way I see myself though . Only I can do that . " He smiled almost sadly . " That had better happen soon . " " I 've often wondered why you aren 't homeschooled like Valerie , " he said . It wasn 't a question , so much as an invitation . She realized that he 'd probably phrased it like that on purpose , so she wouldn 't feel obligated to answer . He really was a sweet guy . " I don 't know . I honestly don 't know . School is boring , but I like the people . Well , a small fraction of them that is mostly made up of teachers . " " Really ? " Lilith sighed . " When I came to band practice today , I wasn 't exactly thinking , ' I 'm going to sit down and have a long conversation about my parents ' naming choices with Alex ! ' " She snorted . " Are you telling me you 're expendable ? " " No , I 'm the captain . We can be in The Next Generation . But that 's besides the point . You 're parents are weird . I 'm sure there 's reasons and meanings to your names . " " I know . " " So you know that Valerie and I both have Chinese middle names , because , well , heritage ! " She waved her arms in the air with sarcastic eyes . " And you know that Mei means beautiful . Or plum . So let 's finish my name first . " He gave a thumbs up . " Lilith is a really fun name . It 's Hebrew in case you care about that sort of thing , It has two meanings and a Jewish folklore reference . Lilith in Jewish folklore was a demon who was Adam 's first wife . So , yay ? Then is the meaning ' storm goddess , ' which is fun I guess . But my favorite is ' night monster . ' " " Shut up . " She have a small cough . " Anyway , Valerie 's name is way less interesting than your friendly neighborhood Beautiful Night Monster . Although , it does mean the same goody two shoes ' brave , ' in like , three languages . And Lian means Daughter of the Sun . " " No . Well yes , but I was thinking more that you 're the Night Monster , and Valerie 's the Daughter of the Sun . It 's pretty cool . " " Yeah . " He took another sip of his root beer . Lilith looked at him . She tried to see what was shoved inside the shiny little box labelled " Sensitive Nerd , " but Alex would have to open the lid for her first . My left arm was on the table . My right arm hung by my side , a knife in my hand . I take the knife , and stab it into my leg . I scream . A needle is put into my left arm . My screams get louder . The injection starts . A green mixture is pumped into my arm . I try not to look . I take the knife and twist it in my leg . The pain so overwhelming , I pass out . When I wake up , the needle was still in my arm , the knife in my thigh , and my throat hurt from screaming so much . I take out the knife , trying not to think about the pain . Then , I slowly take out the needle . Drinking a glass of water , I look around . It was no longer daytime . " Hello ? " Someone says as they walk in . " Anyone here ? " " Yes . " I say , and they jump back . " You scared me ! " The girl sees my equipment : a rusty knife , an old needle , a now empty bottle . She screams . I bet I didn 't look too good either . I hadn 't cut my black hair in moths . I am sure that I have marks under my green eyes from not sleeping . Than there was my scars . Cuts all over my pale body . Some open , others healing . I am covered in blood . I sigh . " I guess this looks bad . I guess I look bad . " I say and she nods . " Umm , you , uh , you live here ? " She says . " No . My sister did , before she died . " I say . " So , now you , umm , kill people in here ? " " What ? No ! No , I do not kill people . God , sorry . I see how you could think that . No , I , uh , work here . " I say . " What kind of work do you do ? Kill people ? " She says . " No ! Ugh . I - I don 't know . I mean , I know . I just can 't tell you . " " Right , umm , names ? What 's your name ? " I thought for a moment . It has been so long , I couldn 't remember my name . " It 's - it 's Luke . My name is Luke . " " I 'm Alice . " She moved closer to me , slowly . Alice put out her hand to shake mine . My hand was bloody , and shaking , but I shook her hand . " Umm , why are you here ? " I ask . " Oh , I was , uh , looking for you . " I laughed , then I relies that she was telling the truth . " Really ? You 're kindling , right ? " She shook her head . " Luke , 329 . Rightful ruler of the contest . " She says . " I 'm not the rightful ruler of anything . " I say . " Your sister dead , you are next in line . " " Yeah , well , I don 't want to be in , or near the contest again . Let alone , rule it . " I say . " Luke , your friends need you . " She says . " What friends ? I don 't have any . " " What about Clare . " I freeze . " I - I don 't know who you 're talking about . I have never met a Clare . " I turn away from Alice . " Oh , well , she said she misses Luke . She must have been thinking of some other Luke . " I tighten up . If she has found Clare … " If you touch her , I will kill you , " I say gripping my knife . Alice puts her hand on my shoulder . I grab it , and twist her arm . I put my rusty knife to her neck . Most of you won 't know me . I 'm Rebekah . This is my first post ever . I have been trying to get something up forever , but finally I just gave up trying to get something really good up . This is a weird little thing I wrote , and you must read it with a british accent . ; ) Being dead is like being asleep but you don 't wake up from a bad nightmare . I don 't recommend it . Kate said once that Jon was her never ending nightmare . I hope it 's not true . Lucy makes me sad . When I look at her , I can only think of all the bad things in her life . We know who The Four will be because we found a page of a book that was ripped out . It read : The Four shall go to seek out our queen , to kill her . A smoke can 't burn without fire . You can 't save without something to die . You can 't runaway from yourself . You can 't live without water . That was all it said . The page had been ripped in half . The first part was the part that scared me . If I am the smoke , what is my fire ? I woke up with Kate still asleep on top of me . Her head on my chest . " Uh , Kate ? " I said and she groaned . " Can you get off of me please ? I would like to get up . " " Yeah , okay . " She yawned , and sat up . She opened her eyes . Her black hair had a red streak in it . Not intentionally , it just did . She had blue eye unlike her brother . Her black tank top was tattered . With her hair tied up , you could see the scar on her neck . Her neck had been burned and frozen at the same time by the touch of the ghost queen . Back in Toro , my home town , Kate was the first girl I met besides my mom . With all the things that happened , I 'm glad I met her at that river . Lucy started to wake up . Her pin strait hair knotted from a bad nights sleep . She may look just like her brother , but their nothing alike . He is strong and she is soft all the way through . When he is standing tall , she is falling . Sean came in carrying Annabella . " I don 't know what Leann did to her , but she needs help . Now . " Sean said as he put Annabella down . Kate ran over and put her hand on Anna 's forehead . " What ? You 're blaming me for this ? " He replied . " You think I wanted her to get hurt ? She might die , and you think it was me ? " " Sean , she has a cut on her arm . Leann goes for the neck , not the arm . This was you . " " I killed Leann , Kate ! " Sean yelled . He held out his hand . It was bleeding black . " I grabbed a broken sword . Then I stabbed Leann in the back , you 're welcome . " Annabella gasped for air . Her gray eyes didn 't open , but she was still alive . " First we need to help Anna , then we can argue . Okay ? " I said . Sean and Kate nodded at the same time . " I think I can help . After all , it was my sister that did this to you . " Said a man in the corner . He had bright green eyes but his black shaggy hair was making it hard to see his face . He was dressed in all black . A sword at his side , he was the kind of guy I try to avoid . His smile was sad , and the way he held his body , he felt a lot of gilt for something . I tried not to think of what he was guilty about . It only scared me more . He stepped foreword , but Sean held him back . " That was six years ago , Sean ! Let it go ! Besides , you are the one that killed her . " I swore that this man was about to cry . I all most felt bad for him , but Sean apparently didn 't . " I don 't care , just stay away from Anna . Next time I see you ' helping her ' , I 'm going to kill you ! Got that ? ! " The man burst into mist , and vanished . Sean was standing in his room back in Saré . His short sword was on his bed , right where he left it . He reached out to grab it . He hadn 't seen it for two years , the day of the prank . He sheathed it . Sean looked around his room . It was the same as the day he met Lucy . He picked up a picture from when he was little . His blue eyes were sparkling as his mom was taking the picture . His hair was cut short . Sean felt his hair , it had been so long ago . His hair was now to the middle of his ear . Without thinking , he grabbed the knife on his desk ; he cut his hair . Blond hair all over the ground . He sighed . " Sad ? " Sean turned around and grabbed his short sword . A girl with white hair and pale skin was sitting on his bed . " Who the hell are you ? ! " The girl stepped back in shock . She looked into his eyes and relaxed a little . " You know … you know who I am ? " Replied Sean , his sword still pointed at her . " I know you better then you know yourself . That 's why I took you back here . I know you have a connection with it . " " You 're not from this time , Sean . Your sister , on the other hand , is . I don 't know how , but you 're covered in time energy . " " Because I knew you . Y - you were my boyfriend . You just disappeared when we were 16 . " Sean dropped his sword and fell to his knees . He held his head in his hands . He screamed . A sharp pain had found its way into his head . " Alice ? " " Save me , Alice . " She helped him up . He leaned on her . " Help me back to my friends ? " She nodded , and he passed out . The first time he woke up , with Eli looking down at him . " He 's starting to wake up ! " He yelled to his friends . Lucy ran over and smiled at him . Then he blacked out again . The next time he woke up , Alice sitting next to him . She was looking at him , her eyes full of pain . She saw that he was awake and she smiled . She helped him sit up . " How do you feel ? " She asked . " My head hurts , " He replied . " Ugh , what happened to me ? " " You passed out , so I took you and your friends to Rose . She help with your head . Your friend Annabella was vary scared for you . " " Yeah , um , about that . She is kind of my girlfriend . I didn 't know that I was from the past . I didn 't know about you . " " I know , she told me all about it . " She kissed him and left . Sean sighed . He finally gets a girlfriend , and then he is a time traveler ? Now that 's not fair . Rose walked into the little room he was in . " I don 't know who you are , but if you do anything that might hurt my sister , I will stab you in hart with your own sword . Got that ? " Said Rose . Sean nodded . " I 'm not afraid of you . " He replied . " You should be . " Her eyes showed him his reflection . He looked awful . He thought about that picture in his room . He doesn 't look like that anymore . He wondered what he had looked like when he was 16 . He guessed that only Alice knew . " Why ? I don 't have any resin to . I am not afraid of you . " " I don 't know what she sees in you . Whatever it is , I don 't see it . " She turned around and left . It was a long time before Sean could walk again . Kate came to see him sometimes , the only person that came every day was Rose . She would help him to recover from his own past . Sometimes Anna or Eli would come to check on him . He never saw Alice again . When Sean could stand up again , Rose showed him where he was . He was in a huge house . Rose said that it was hers . She said she and Anna lived here when they were younger . He wondered how old they were here . I big house would have scared Lucy . " Where 's Lucy ? I haven 't seen her for a long time . " He asked Rose . She frowned . " Yes you have , she was with Alice . " They heard a scream coming from outside . Sean started to run to them , but Rose held him back . " You stay back , I don 't want you to get in my way . " She ran off . Added to Interface by She was called Ruby when I met her for the first time . Ruby Isabelle Clay . She had short red hair in a bob . She nearly ran into me while I was shelving books . She really liked to talk . She handed me a mug , and I took it gratefully . " Okay , let 's get down to business , " she said scooting her chair closer to the table , and flicking a switch on her tape recorder . " Tell me everything Peter Phillips . " In the middle of September , a girl was eating a cake . It was her birthday , so her older brother stole her one . It was a yellow cake with chocolate frosting , her favorite . It wasn 't much , but for a couple of runaways , it was the best birthday gift she could ask for . Her brother had stolen it from a Dairy Queen . She would always remember her 10th birthday . Lauren woke up at five every day . She would get up , eat some cereal , take a shower , then brush her teeth . When she was done , it would be about 6 : 30 . Then she would go next door to see her brother , Jake , and his friends Colin and Tom . But today didn 't go like that . She woke up at 5 : 36 setting her hole day off . First , she was late to meet her brother so he sent Colin to go into her room . She was still brushing her teeth when Colin walked in . He was so quiet that she didn 't relies that he was there until he said something . " Hello ? Lauren ? " He said . She jumped back in surprise . " Oh , sorry . Did I scare you ? " She nodded . To wasn 't every day the boy you have a crush on walks in on you brushing you teeth . Then again , he wasn 't anyone that would say anything about it . A boy sat in the corner of a classroom . His deep brown eyes focused on a empty desk . His mind was never in one place . His teacher was talking about art , nothing he cared about . The girl in front of him was taking notes , about the boy in the seat next to her . He sighed quietly . He looked around once more , taking into account all the changes in the shadows . A girl at the front of the room moved her head a little , but her shadow didn 't move with it . His powers have been getting stronger . After class it was lunch time . " Colin ! " He stopped in his tracks . No one ever called his name . Colin turned around slowly . A boy about his age . Black hair , blue eyes , vary pale . " The names Jake . " Said the boy called Jake . " I was told you were the new kid . " Colin nodded . He turned back to his meal . Rotten apples , yum . Jake sat down next to him , and Colin sighed . " You 're not going to leave me alone are you . " Said Colin . Jake shook his head . Goody , thought Colin , I guess I 'm stuck with him then . " So , if you 're not going to leave , what do you want ? " Asked Colin . " Is this where I suppose I should say world peace ? " Colin put his head in his hands . He thought about Liz . What she would say to him . All the things she told him about controlling his anger . He took a deep breath , and all the light in the room disappeared . A girl at one of the tables opened her palm and made fire . It was enough light to get everyone out of the cafeteria . A boy named Tom with shaggy brown hair ran up to Jake . " We know , we were there . " Said Colin . The boy looked older than them , but not by much . He looked shocked to see that someone was there , they always were . Shortly fallowing the boy , came a girl . Her short black hair was cut to look like a comic book character . Blue eyes that looked like the sky . And with her makeup , and punk cloths , she was the most beautiful girl at school . Yeah , even Colin knew who she was . Her name was Lauren . She never got a grade above B , usually C , and she was Jake 's sister . Also Tom 's crush . " Tom , calm down . " Said Lauren . Tom looked down at Lauren 's boots , combat boots , and smiled . " You love those ones . " He said . She smiled , and looked over to Colin . Her blue eyes froze for a moment on him , then went back to Tom . Maybe it was his imagination , but he saw sympathy in her eyes . She turned to her brother . Jake had been standing there the hole time not saying anything , not like him . " Why do quiet ? " she asked . " Nothing . You seem to be sad . " Jake said . She smiled , but it looked fake . " Burning light . " she muttered . The sound of that sent a chill down Colin 's back . Colin spotted the girl that had helped everyone out with her fire , then he realized that it was the same girl at the front of the class . He turned and started to walk over when he saw Tom out of the corner of his eye . He had a smug look on his face . And a smile that says , I got away with something . Then he saw that he was holding Lauren by the wrist . Added to Interface by I 've been updating my A Blood Red Sky story , because I 've finally gotten back to it . The chapters are longer , but the spelling is now much better in it and it 's easier to read . So , here 's the seventh part . Though it won 't make much sense if you haven 't read the other chapters . . . " Sorry , forgot you haven 't learned yours yet . C ' mon , let 's head back . " He grabbed her hand and they shot into the sky . When they got back it was dark . They said goodbye , and went to there dorms . In the morning , Tom met up with Jake and Colin in there dorm . " Hay ! Tom ! " Yelled Jake as he ran up to him . " You 'll never figure out what happened wall you were on a date with Lauren . " " I got , drumroll please , invisibility . " He vanished . " Cool , huh ! " Colin walked over , and put his hand on Jake 's shoulder . Jake became visible again . " He 's been bragging all day . You guys are so lucky . I wish I knew mine . " He looked down . Colin and Lauren were now the only ones that didn 't have their powers yet . Colin went back to his bed and sat down . " Oh c ' mon buddy . You 'll fined it at some point . " Said Jake . " Don 't worry , you know you have one . You just don 't have a strong one , so it will take a long time before you can get it . " " Thanks Jake . " Jake smiled . " Happy to help ! " " Man , you had me fooled . I thought that you were joking with me , sorry . " Colin half smiled . He was never really there . Lauren was waiting outside for them . She was leaning against the wall , her arms crossed . " That 's creepy , " said Tom , and she gave him the stink eye . " What ? It is . " she looked away from him and back to her brother Jake . " Well , I don 't think I added 20 minutes . You must have some sort of explanation for this . " Jake nodded . " I did . " Said Lauren . They all looked at her . " I can move things with my mind . I have had this ability for a month . But I never wanted to tell anyone . " " But Lauren , you could have been training this hole time ! Why 'd you wait ? " Asked Jake . She shrugged . The sun shone through my window , burning my bleach blonde haired head . I could tell by the position of the sun that it was probably past noon . I buried my face under the covers , attempting to escape the long day that awaited me . It had been three years , seven hundred and thirty days , but that didn 't mean that it had gotten any easier . " Hey , Mollie ? Why don 't you go downstairs and see if Mina can make you some breakfast ? " My friend Zayn said , referring to the scent of food that was now wafting up from downstairs , presumably coming from his wife , Mina . " Damnit , Niall ! You can 't keep doing this ! " said Zayn , raising his voice . " I have every right to . " I said into my pillow , my closed eyes pressed against the cool cotton . " It 's been three years , Niall ! You have to get over yourself ! " said Zayn . I yanked the pillow off my head and looked at him - his dark brown eyes were worried , while his eyebrows screamed " mad " . He had a three - quarter length shirt on , revealing his many forearm tattoos because of his crossed arms . He towered over me , just like he would even if I was standing up . " What about Mollie ? She misses you . " He said , his voice softened a bit . " She often asks what happened to her Daddy . " He sucked in his breath , as if to think that he had gone too far . " You don 't know what it 's like . You have it all so easy . Well guess what ? I don 't . Get out . " I said , my voice barely steady as I clenched my fists . I sat there in my boxers , staring at the door . I traced patterns in the dark finish of the wood . My hand trembled as I saw the names carved in bottom left corner of the door . I traced the names with my index finger before closing my eyes . I quickly opened my eyes and stood up , walking over to my dresser . I pulled out a T - shirt and jeans and pulled them on , trying not to look at the door . I yanked on my Supras and grabbed a hoodie . I took my wallet off the top of the dresser , but not before seeing my reflection in my mirror - I had dark circles under my eyes , and my hair had a mind of its own . With that in mind , I put my wallet in my back pocket and put on my hoodie , covering my bedhead . I zipped my hoodie up as I ran downstairs . I walked into kitchen to see my daughter eating her breakfast while Mina talked to her and Zayn washed dishes . Mina quickly stood up with wide eyes when I entered the room . " No . " I said firmly , prying her small hands off my sleeve . I turned around to look at her . She stared up at me and into my eyes with hers . Her eyes . Just like her mother 's . I weaved through the stones popping up from the ground . Although I had been in a hurry earlier , I was in no rush now . No rush to get there , to feel pain and no rush to leave , to abandon . I counted the rows . 12 , 13 , 14 … until I reached 15 . Row fifteen , column six . I turned left , making my way down the grass . Then I stopped . Column six . I slowly turned to my right . There it was . " I miss you so much , I miss you sleeping next to me in bed , I miss your warmth , and I miss your voice . If I hadn 't let you go out that night , you would still be here with me . I wish I could turn back time and save you . It hurts knowing you 'll never see Mollie grow up . That you 'll never see her dance like you do . That we 'll never talk again . We 'll never grow old together . I just want you back home , Hannah . I wish I could 've been the one in that car instead of you . You weren 't supposed to leave me and Mollie . And it 's all my fault because I didn 't stop you . I 'm scared , Hannah . I don 't know how I 'm going to live without you . I don 't feel complete , and I don 't know what to do . There 's this big hole in my heart that no one can fix and it just hurts - " I broke off , tears streaming down my face . I leaned my head into my hands in front of me , gasping for my breath , but my throat was completely closed up . I couldn 't breathe . I felt faint , the pain in my chest overpowering me . The darkness that was now starting to cover the entire graveyard also entered my heart , leaving me empty . " Help me , Hannah . I can 't do this . Please come back , I need you ! " I cried out , in hopes that my words would come to life . The temperature had dropped severely before I woke up , leaving me shivering when I did . I sat up , realizing that it was probably past nine , judging by the darkness surrounding me . I wiped some dirt off that had stuck to my cheek , checking around to see if anyone was present . There was still nobody , just like earlier . No people , questioning my sanity and no workers , ready to call the cops . I quickly spun around to see a guard coming straight at me . Without thinking twice , I ran down the rest of row fifteen and away from the man . He shouted some profanities at me , but I was out of the area before he could do anything else . I slowed my pace as I made it to the parking lot . I got in my car and let out my breath . Had that really just happened ? What had I just heard ? I thought , but I didn 't ponder on it long or else I would break down again . I realized that the guard might or might not still be looking for me , so I put the key in the engine and keeled out of the lot . As I pulled into my driveway , I noticed all the lights were off . I could just quietly let myself in and go to bed . I sat in my seat for a second , staring into space , before getting out of the car and heading towards the door . I inserted my key in the lock and turned it - it quietly clicked , and I let myself in . I hung my bag and hoodie on a rack and tiptoed further into my house . I was ready to go upstairs when my stomach grumbled , reminding me that I had not had dinner yet . I walked into the kitchen to grab something to eat , and instead I found Zayn there , cleaning tonight 's dishes . " Shh ! " Mina interrupted , coming out of nowhere and placing one hand on his chest . She motioned upwards , Mollie being the reason for her stopping his yelling . I told him about everything that had happened at the graveyard . He raised his eyebrows when I told him what I heard . When I was done , we were both silent for a minute . " I think she was trying to tell me something . I think she 's trying to tell me to move on . She wouldn 't want me in this condition , and she doesn 't want Mollie to have me like this . So I 'm done . I 'm gonna make her proud . " Shortly after , Zayn left to go home with Mina . I had a snack or two , and then went upstairs to get ready for bed . I passed Mollie 's room then stopped . I walked back and quietly entered her room . It was dark , but her butterfly nightlight illuminated her face . I knelt down beside her bed and studied her . She was sound asleep , her mouth slightly agape . Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks as she dreamt . Her dishwater blonde hair had fallen down into face , which I gently tucked behind her ear . She looked like an exact copy of her mother . I gazed at her in wonder , thinking of how lucky I was . I then kissed her on the forehead , and fell asleep on the carpet . I realize I 'm supposed to write on Fridays . But I felt like writing , so there . What 're YOU gonna do About it , huh ? Anyways , this is a Doctor Who fanfic about Ten and Rose 's daughter Kacie in 2021 . I figured if Myla and Artemis can do fanfics , why can 't I ? Kacie Tyler was thirteen years old . Her entire life , her parents had taught her about the universe , all sorts of things most people wouldn 't believe . She knew about all of her parents ' adventures , and her dad would teach her random things about different aliens whenever he felt like it . She loved hearing stories about the Other Earth , the one where her mum had lived and her dad had been created . But she was never allowed to help them . Even without a TARDIS , they still kept Earth safe , and Kacie wanted more than anything to go with them . But she always had to stay with Gram and Gramps . She loved her grandparents , but just sitting around doing nothing drove her mad . She was too much like her parents to NOT go on adventures . But they disagreed . Of course they disagreed . Nobody wants their teenage daughter running about chasing aliens all day . And that 's why she snuck into Torchwood late one night while her parents were doing " things " and her Gram and Gramps were asleep , and stole a . . . she couldn 't remember what it was called . But it was a void - transporter - thingy . Her mum had told her about them , and explained that they didn 't work anymore . Kacie didn 't care . It was going to take her to the Other Earth , where the Doctor - Who - Wasn 't - Kacie 's - Dad would take her adventuring . She slipped the chain around her neck , and slammed her hand against the huge yellow button . Nothing happened . Maybe it was like a cellphone , and she didn 't have any reception ? She was standing on the familiar street corner , and it was still raining . But there weren 't any zeppelins in the sky . There were a lot of cars though . A girl with white hair ran through the sky . Her gold eyes shimmered in the light of the setting sun . She stopped for a moment , looking back up at her home in the clouds . She started to cry as she saw the scene . A cloud of smoke covered her home . She ran away from the truth , that it was all her fault . " Come with me . " said a girl in black . She reached out her hand , but the girl with white hair swatted it away . " Wether you come with me willingly or not , I will have you . " The girl with wight hair struggled against the grip of the girl in black . She vanished into the air . The girl in black screamed at the sky . She took of her clock to show her green hair , her skin shimmered in the light . She disappeared in mist , leaving nothing but the smell of the ocean behind her . The girl in black appeared in a dark room with a boy , a shadow , and a ghost . " Leann , " She bowed to the ghost . " I couldn 't hold her down . I - I have failed you . " The ghost said something in with her hands and the boy repeated it . " She says that you will not get a chance to try again , " He took a shaky breath wall The ghost said more . " You will not live much longer . I 'm sorry , I 'm so sorry . " The boy looked away as the girl in black was killed in front of him . " No ! " Yelled Luke . " He has killed all the men in the army of Toro ! No one has more power then that boy ! All of the elements bow to him ! He is Sean , slayer of the ground , sea , sky , and smoke ! And you bring him to us ? ! " " No ! You shall join us in the fight against all that the boy stands for ! " Yelled Luke . " If you think that I will join you , there is something wrong with your bran . " Sean groaned . " He knows of your little secret . You can keep it much longer . " the girl with wight hair grabbed Leann and disappeared . Luke took a cold glance at Sean . Sean opened his eyes to show a bright blue . There was a scar on Sean 's right arm , the mark of the saver . He stood up , and looked at the shadow of a girl and Luke . " Hello , did I miss much sense the last time I was in this room ? " No one said anything . " What ? Nothing ? You really don 't want to see me that much ? " " When did I become a saver ? I have never saved anyone . " The shadow became a girl on the floor . The girl stood up , her long blond hair flowing by her side . She had a gray dress with a slit up the side . A princes of Ice , pale skin , light gray eyes . Annabella was one of the most beautiful girls in all of Sarè . Sean 's hart skipped a beat when he saw her . " Wow , you look nice . " Anna smiled at him . " Thank you Sean . You 're too kind . " She looked into his blue eyes , leaned in and kissed him . He was rad but he held her , and kissed her back . With his heart pounding , he stepped away from her . " No , I do . But , I wasn 't excepting that . " She hugged him . He felt his heart rate get faster . He knew that she was a princes and he was just some guy , but he didn 't care . He looked at her gray eyes , that was all he could do . She was so beautiful and he was no one . She kissed him again . With no thought , he kissed her back . She took his hand . " Nothing can take us away from each other . " Annabella said . She ran her hand up his arm . She felt his scar , and looked into his eyes . " How did you get this ? " " Nothing . " A chill went through Sean 's body . Then it was filled with the warmth of a kiss . A feeling that this was a bad idea flowed through his mind . But he didn 't want to hear it . Her skin was soft , her cold lips gave him the chills but she held him tight so he didn 't mind . Maybe she was right , nothing could keep them from each other . She made him not want to move away from her . But that didn 't stop her . She looked away from him . " Oh , and don 't let Luke get away . " The shadow vanished leaving Sean alone in a dark room . Luke walked back in with a sword . " I rather not , but knowing you that means get over here and let me kill you . Well , I have just gotten my hart ripped out by my crush , so that would be a yes . I would love to fight you just so I can get you out of my head . " Sean walked up to him and grabbed his sword . He stepped back , and pointed the tip of his sword to Luke 's neck . Luke smiled , and hit his sword to Sean 's . " Do you know who I am yet ? " Asked Luke . " Luke , 329 . 7th legion . Trader to the world . Yes , I know who you are . " Sean hit his sword with such power Luke dropped it . Sean pushed the flat of his blade to Luke 's chest . " I don 't want break another hart today . You are possibly the worst dream I ever have , but I can 't bring myself to kill you . " Luke stood there in shock as Sean dropped his sword . It crashed to the ground and the blade shattered on impact . " It 's just a scar , not some big mark of the Saver thing you make it out it be . " he laughed some more . Luke looked insulted by his laughter . " You never say that someone is better then you . Not even being a threat , you always make yourself sound better then me . You 're not kidding are you ? You really think that I 'm some Saver guy . " Luke nodded . " Yeah , she 's proud of me for that . " Sean stood there with nothing to say . There was a cold wind and Leann stood holding Annabella by her neck . " Well then tell her I will kill her if she doesn 't ! " Sean tensed up , he wouldn 't let her kill his friend . Luke repeated it to Leann , and she through Annabella to the ground . " I don 't care . She can 't hurt Anna . " " You really like her don 't you ? If you will die so she can live one more day , you would save her . " " I would . You haven 't really met me if you think for even a second that I would die to save her . " Luke shrugged . Leann looked at Sean , and she flickered . She lunged on him . He stepped out of the way . Just as she past , the air got colder . He paused , the chill made him think of Anna . He got mad . He grabbed part of his shattered blade . His mind raced . No one would stand in his way . He stepped foreword . The broken blade hurt in his clenched fist . He screamed as struck the broken blade into the ghost 's back . Leann melted into the ground . Luke looked at him in shock . Sean ran over to Annabella . " Sean ? " he nodded . " I will never let you go Anna . Nothing can take me away from you . " " Sean , I am so sorry . I won 't ever leave you again . " He smiled down at her . " I won 't let you if you try . No matter what , I will stay with you . " She managed a smile . Luke picked up the shattered blade Sean had used up kill his sister . " Iron , of corse . " He said to himself . " The only thing that can kill a ghost . " He put it down , and looked over to Sean and Annabella . He walked over and sat next to them . They both ignored Luke . He tried to help Anna , but she didn 't let him . " I only want to help . " " Yes , you are a killer ! I 'm not going to let you even try to help her ! " Luke walked back to the corner and sat down on the cold ground . Annabella whispered something to Sean , and all the color in his face disappeared . He looked down at his bleeding hand . His blood wasn 't red , it was black . " What ? This can 't be right . " " No , that 's right . Your blood has always been black . " He looked at his bleeding hand a little longer , then he saw that his cut wasn 't as deep as it had been a moment ago . " Thanks Luke , but I wasn 't asking you . " Luke shrugged . " Sean , remember when your left arm was cut . Well how long did it take for it to heal ? " " Thanks , but if that 's true that means that I am not just some guy . And you knew this . So why couldn 't you be with me ? " " Because , you weren 't you . You weren 't that nice boy that couldn 't say anything wall looking at me . You weren 't the shy Sean I fell in love with . " She kissed him . " Yes . You make me feel like no one when you hug me , you make me want to stay when you kiss me , and when you look at me with your shinning eyes , I feel like I want to disappear into them . " She blushed even more . " I will never go . " She laughed , and squeezed his hand . " As much as I like looking at you two being all lovey dovey , I would like to leave more . " " Don 't know . I think it might have something to do with my past . " He looked down , his past was a sensitive subject for him . He had been a slave until he was five , then when he was 11 he went to the contest like every boy at that age . Then he had killed his sister in rage . And then his sister became the most hated person in the world , The Queen of the Contest as they call her , hurt him over and over again . Then Sean showed up , this untouched boy with the power to kill his sister . " Sorry , I shouldn 't think about that . " " I have watched your life , and it is a sad story . So let 's not talk about that shall we ? " Said Sean trying to be up beat . Annabella looked at him like he was crazy . Luke looked up at Sean . " They can sometimes get the ability to see extremely well . " He added . " But that 's not bad unless they have some sort of problem with it somehow . " " Luke , I think Sean might have that ability . And I don 't know how I feel about that . " " It 's not like I have supper powers , is it ? " Luke nodded . " Sean , don 't do this . I know how you fell , but if you do this , I can 't help you . Let it go , she trying to help you . " Luke knew what was about to happen , he has done it . " Don 't lie to me ! Luke , you don 't know anything about me . If you think that you know me why do your eyes say that I might be the saver but you can take me down if you wanted to . " Annabella looked at Luke , then back to Sean her eyes full of tears . |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . On Saturday , we took Dante up to the show ring trail . Ellen has tried to ride him up the big hill twice , now , and he has refused both times . She ended up leading him . It was time for a rider switch . Before we got to the hill , we switched horses . When we got about 50 feet from the hill , Dante turned around to go home . He was really starting early this time . Near the base of the hill , he stopped . I started kicking constantly until he started up . After a few steps , I he started to slow and I started to kick , again . I stopped when he walked well and started whenever I felt hesitation . When he got 10 feet up , I clicked him , gave him a treat and asked for forward movement , again . I had no more troubles after that . It is a very steep hill , and up until just the day before , it had a huge , scary rut going down the center . He either didn 't like the way it looked or didn 't like the steepness . Hopefully , it was the rut , since it is repaired now . I will ride him up it the next few times so we can straighten out the problem before Ellen tries , again . We trotted all about the trails on top of the hill . I was in the lead on the way back , and I heard a bunch of noise behind me . Cole got scared and wanted to run . I spun and stopped him to see what was going on . Dante had stumbled on his front legs , and instead of slowing down and pulling himself up , he just kept trotting . I don 't know how he did it , but he went 8 - 10 steps scrambling like that with Ellen leaning over his neck . Finally , he caught himself . She dismounted and caught her breath and checked him out . He had a tiny bit of hair scraped off one knee . We walked him for the next 10 minutes , and he seemed fine . At the bottom of the hill , she mounted back up . The river was very low , so I suggested that we switch horses , and I try to cross Dante on the river crossing that we have been avoiding by going on the ford . She wasn 't sure , but I was persistent . Cole went down the bank , first . Dante watched him step into the water , and I asked him to walk to the river . He put his nose down and stepped right in . It was a very uneventful crossing . One more thing checked off the list . At the next opportunity , we will try that river crossing on the way out , too . On Sunday , we were very much relieved to find that Dante was completely unhurt from his fall . We took them out on an easy ride , just in case . It had rained the night before - must have been more than we thought because the river was higher and muddy . It was only slightly higher than it was a few weeks ago when I crossed Dante on his own , so I knew he would be fine , but Ellen was still very nervous about crossing . I showed her the rock tower that Kevin built to help us measure the depth of the river and explained if we saw that much tower , it would be knee high . She said she would try . Cole went first , and she was with her own eyes that it wasn 't that deep . ( Cole is , after all , a pony . ) We were on the nearly on the other side when I glanced back and saw Dante take a step into the water . She clicked / treated him and then they were on their way . It was , yet another , uneventful crossing . We had a leisurely ride for about an hour . When we got back , to our surprise , the river went up another inch . I know it doesn 't sound like much , but it does make it look scary since there was a lot less land showing on the other side . Once again , Ellen sent me into the water first . Dante then crossed like the gentleman he is . He walks slowly and carefully - stopping if she asks him to . Another item off the list - a little higher and muddy water . We are getting there . Since the big storm in May , we have had a log at the top of one of our riverbanks . It is the steepest and muddiest bank we have to negotiate . The log is situated badly and too tall to step over , but you can take a quick right turn up an even steeper slope and go around it . It 's a bit tricky , but doable going up - but way trickier on the way down . I was able to coax Ellen to ride up it on Dante a while ago , but she was nervous about going down , so we have been crossing the river via the ford . Last weekend , we rode that way and she had no problem going up it , of course . It had been a rainy morning and the streets were still wet . The cars on the river ford were very loud from it . The noise made Ellen nervous . She decided she would be less nervous on the riverbank than the street . I took Cole first so she could watch him . He had been giving me a problem by rushing down it , but just that week , I convinced him slow and careful was better . ( I go through this with him every year on this bank . ) He carefully walked parallel to the river , stepped down the steep slope and adjusted his angle and went down into the water . I was very proud of him and was glad Ellen could see one of his best performances . I clicked and treated him at the bottom - he earned it . I now got to watch Dante try it . In the past , he has been reluctant to go down this bank due to the steepness , so it was a relief to see him take his first step down . When he was in the steepest section , he started to slide in the mud . He handled it just like my Cruiser used to handle mud . He held steady until he stopped and took his next step . He continued down , slowly and carefully and quietly stepped into the water . Success ! He did as well as Cole did without weeks of practice . Now , this meant that my niece , Missy , and I could ride this trail on our weekly rides . A few days later , we headed out . Dante has been a bit pokey crossing the water at this crossing in the past . He is slow to step in and tends to stall while crossing . This evening , he passed up Cole and got into the water well before Cole was even close . I had told Missy to click him when he got all four hooves in - and he deserved it . He then went across the river like a gentleman - with no stalling . Of course , he had no trouble going up the steep bank with the log on the other side , since he has done it a number of times already . We had a nice ride on the other side . Dante did spook once - we don 't know at what . His form of spooking consists of taking a sidestep and trotting 4 - 5 steps before stopping . Now , it was time to go down the riverbank . I had Missy watch Cole ; who was perfect , again . I guess Dante couldn 't let Cole be the only perfect one - he was too ! This time , he didn 't even slide in the mud . What a great horse ! Now , Cole couldn 't let Dante be the star of the show . He had to show us how he does the riverbank on the crossing closest too home . At the very bottom of it , we have to step down into very deep mud for about 2 feet until reaching the water . There is no way around it except for a tiny bit of dry trail that is a hoof wide on the far left of the trail . I told Missy to watch and gave Cole his head . He walked down the bank right into the river without stepping one step in the mud . Even upon seeing it , she could hardly believe he was able to do it . Ah , the advantages of riding a little horse … By the way , I never taught him to do this . He just didn 't like going in the mud and came up with his own solution . So far , things are looking fantastic - and I can hardly believe it . Some of the tomato plants are getting yellow , lower leaves , and I am concerned that I might have the blight , but since I planted 27 plants , even if the yield is a little less , it won 't make much difference - I am only one person . I am confident there will still be enough for me and plenty for my brother - the tomato obsessed one in the family . I have already picked a dozen cherry tomatoes . Some of my peppers died - I think it was the greenhouse blight . Not much that I can do about that . I still have enough plants left . I have already picked one and put it in the chili I made last weekend . The eggplants this year are black fingerlings . That is all the greenhouse had left . They are very healthy and I already picked one . I plant them amongst my lima beans . They make terrific companions . I haven 't had a bad crop of eggplants since I learned how much they like beans . Good thing I planted them in the lima beans last year instead of the green beans ! They would have been lonely eggplants - thanks to the rabbits . The rabbits haven 't snuck under the electric fence this year . Last year , they decimated my green beans . I know it was them - I saw one . This year , the beans look terrific . I even picked a handful to go in my rice casserole this week . In a few days , I am sure I will be freezing them . I didn 't get the greatest germination with my lima beans , but I still think there will be plenty . I like them better than green beans . I freeze them , too . I also planted little black beans for dried beans . I haven 't done that for years - wait I did try last year , but the rabbits got them . So far , they look good . They just started to bloom . I like them in soup . My squash and cukes look great , but I haven 't ' picked any , yet . I will do a whole post telling about my squash project once I see the results . It is just so nice to see such vigorous plants . I planted some beets - even though I don 't like them . They are just so nutritious . I put them - beets + greens - in casseroles . It looks like I will definitely have reddish casseroles , soon . They let me make pink potato soup , too . Last but not least , I have the best basil crop , ever . I dry basil in my dehydrator so I can use it the rest of the year . I just finished last year 's basil . I also dehydrate my cherry tomatoes to make sun dried tomatoes . I like them a lot better than fresh . If I have extra peppers , they go in the dehydrator , too . Oh , when I freeze my beans , I toss in a few stalks of basil in the package and freeze them together . So that 's it , so far . I should really learn how to take pictures from my phone … During the week , Ellen and I work different hours , so we can 't ride together . She has been working Dante in the arena and walking him around the driveway and such . She has still been nervous about going on the street by herself ever since she broke her ankle while leading him on the street last fall . When she is with me , she does great leading him . I somehow boost her confidence . She was by herself , today , and she got the nerve up to lead him down the street . First , she rode a little in the arena - and then down the driveway she went . When she got to the road , she saw a police car had pulled a car over and had his lights flashing . She didn 't let this deter her . She walked out onto the road . Next , another police car comes down the road with the lights and siren going . Dante was fine ! Ellen continued down the road . Shortly after , here comes the original car with siren blaring and lights flashing . Dante was still fine with it ! Poor Ellen was shaking , but she kept going . She got a little ways down the hill , and Dante started to get fussy . She continued , but so did he . She ended up turning him around and coming back home . He was great leading on the street . He wasn 't done working though . She rode him for a while in the arena . She sounded disappointed with herself , but from what I could tell , she did great . I never would have expected her to take Dante on the road once she saw the police car . Then , to top it off , he did great . I think it was a blue ribbon day for her ! ! ! Things have gone very smoothly with project Dante . My niece rode him on the hill the other night when the river was too high . He was reluctant to turn back down the hill to do it multiple times , but nothing she couldn 't handle . It doesn 't give me much to write about . Ellen had to work on Sunday , so I took Dante for a short ride . The river was the highest he has ever crossed - and muddy so he couldn 't see the bottom . He crossed it without hesitation . We did a lot of trotting and a little cantering . It was as enjoyable as can be , but it doesn 't give me anything to write about . Cole has been consistent and well behaved . He doesn 't care for the heat , the bugs or the hard trail , and he tells me about it . Still , he has been fun and willing to ride . That also doesn 't give me anything to write about . Today is Thunder 's anniversary and Starry 's birthday ! July 14th is a good day for us . I think it might be good day for a tuna sandwich . Thunder loves to drink the juice . My goal since Cruiser and Ranger got too old to go on long , fast rides together , has been able to go on long , fast rides with my sister . I have worked hard to get Cole ready , and we have gone on long , fast rides with Kevin and long , fast rides alone , but not with my sister . Once she bought Dante , I knew it would happen sometime in the future , but it seemed so elusive . The weather was horrible last summer with high rivers every weekend - or so it seemed . We got Dante to the point where we could go on short , fast rides - and then Ellen broke her ankle , winter showed up and we had a late spring . Since then , we have been picking away at the various obstacles to get to the good trails and building up Ellen 's shattered confidence from the ankle incident . The key was to traffic desensitize Dante to the max . To get to the long ride trail , we have to deal with plenty of traffic and chaos . Memorial Day weekend was a huge turning point . By the end of the weekend , Dante was doing well through a very difficult stretch of trail called the Lagoon . Unfortunately , we had more high rivers to contend with - and Ellen had to work some days on the weekend , too . We did get side tracked by getting Dante up to the show ring trails on the other side of the chaotic Lagoon area . I rode him a few times up there , first , and this weekend , Ellen rode him there for the first time . He was mostly great , and when he wasn 't , it wasn 't anything she couldn 't handle . Now , it was back to our project - getting to the good trails . We had 3 more obstacles to get through . The first was another ford . Since he has been working very well with the first 2 fords , I wasn 't too concerned . The only thing that made this one tougher is that the traffic was controlled by a light at the other side of it . That meant that we may have to thread between the edge of the ford and idling cars . We then had to cross a very busy intersection , but at least it is controlled by the light . The final obstacle is the " big river . " It is at least 3 times as wide as our other river crossings . I have crossed it a number of times with Cole , but Ellen hasn 't crossed it in years . When we have gotten Ranger to that side of the park , we have crossed on the bridge . It is a long bridge with a lot of traffic , so we thought it would be better to cross the river with Dante . The big day arrived . Dante had been ridden for the last 6 days in a row , so his mind was in a good place . Ellen would ride him on all the familiar trails , and then we would switch horses . She was very nervous . I was excited because we were chipping away on the last piece of my goal . The first part of the ride went well . When we got to the ford , dismounted and led the horses across . They did fine , in spite of the traffic . We stood at the light , it changed and we led across . None of the traffic bothered Dante . We mounted and rode to the river . Honestly , I wouldn 't have worried one bit about the river , except that last fall , we tried a new river crossing with me aboard , and Dante simply refused . After about 20 minutes , we gave up and went home . We have been avoiding that one ever since by going on the ford , instead . Would Dante refuse on this one , too ? My plan was to reinforce walking forward on command with clicker on the short stretch of trail leading to the river . I ran into a problem , though - he was so excited to be on a new trail that I couldn 't get him to stop so I could ask him to " walk . " I gave up and hoped his enthusiasm would carry him into the water . He was in the lead - since I couldn 't get him to stop and let Cole pass . He paused at the top of the river bank , and we used that to get Cole in the lead . I pointed Dante to Cole 's rump , and we followed him right in . Whew , what a relief . The worst was over . Well , so I thought . I forgot about Ellen - a person who has always been nervous crossing the river . Cole slowly walked across and Ellen was a wreck . At one point , Dante tried to turn around , but I kept him turning until we were facing Cole again and after that , he committed himself to crossing . Cole slipped , Ellen squawked . Cole slipped again , Ellen squawked again . I avoided the spots that Cole had trouble . The slate bottom had a thick coat of algae making tough whenever they stepped on an uneven spot . There is a small island in the middle that we rested on . Ellen worried Dante wouldn 't want to step off the island , but he did - passing Cole and getting to the other side long before him . Cole wanted to play in the water and was pretending to drink . Once Ellen learned the game , she gave him a kick . She said she was shaking - then I realized I was too . She was shaking from nerves , but I was shaking from excitement . I had reached my goal ! ! ! We stepped up onto the trail on the other side and just walked along . We weren 't going to go far - we would save that for another day . We just wanted Dante to enjoy himself on the other side and then we would head on home . We would turn around in a small open area . In the distance , we heard a bagpipe . Remember when I mentioned that we have a lot of people using our trails ? You never know what you might find . We usually find a bagpipe player once or twice a year , but never with Dante . It got louder and louder . We decided not to push our luck and turned a little earlier . Dante went right into the river , and I had no trouble with him except he did slip a few times . Though it is scary when he slips , he doesn 't panic but slowly negotiates himself through the rough spot . All went well for me . Poor Ellen was having a panic attack . Cole walked faster , this time , since he was on the way home . He slipped a few times and she was squawking incessantly . I couldn 't even stand to watch them in her panicked state . Cole got across just fine , but Ellen was shaking , again . I was shaking , too , from happiness that Dante did so well . Next step - the intersection and the ford . This time , we had to cross both streets of the intersection - which meant going right into the traffic . I led him , and he did well . The ford itself was easy because a car stopped at the beginning of it and blocked all other traffic until we got across . We truly appreciated that kindness . Once we were on the other side , I got off the street at the earliest possible moment by taking Dante up a little slope - and he burst ! He did a dance and I had to spin him . This seems to be his normal response when he has to be good through a stressful situation - as soon as he is out of it , he reacts . We switched horses and Cole was so happy to have me back . The rest of the way home went well . We did it ! by this time next year , we will be doing all this without thinking twice , but there is always the " first time " to get through , and we did it and did it well . On Saturday , we decided to take Ranger and Dante up to the show ring trails . I got to ride Dante . Kevin joined us with Starry . The ride was very successful and rather uneventful . Our plan on Sunday was to take Dante and Cole up there , but Ellen called me in the morning - she had a tremendous migraine . I was on my own , so I took Cole up there by ourselves . I have only done it with him , alone , a couple of times , and he hasn 't always been that good . This time , he did quite well . We did a lot of trotting on the way out , and a little bit on the way home . He got rather excited on the way back , and since it was very hot , I figured that he would be better off doing a bit more walking . We met Kevin on Starry on the way home . Kevin decided to ride on , since his ride had been too short . I told him I would catch up with him on Dante . Well , as Cole and I headed up the hill on the way home , who should we see , but Ellen ! After talking to me on the phone , she went back to sleep for a while and woke up feeling much better . My plans suddenly changed . She would ride Dante and I would ride Ranger . It is so strange to ride such a big horse . We had a nice time , and we met Kevin and rode home with him . We have a long holiday weekend , but it is our least favorite . Our urban trails are a little risky around the 4th , so we ride conservatively . There are a few idiots out there that have fireworks and think it is cute to scare horses . Still , at least we get a day off of work . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Amelia Shepherd is the youngest sister of Derek Shepherd . Just like her older brother , she is a neurosurgeon , and she was officially employed at Seaside Health and Wellness with privileges at St . Ambrose Hospital . She relocated to Seattle and took Derek 's job as the Head of Neurosurgery at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital . When she was 5 , she and Derek witnessed their father 's murder in a convenience store . She said that afterward her world fell apart and she was in a " dark place " for a long time . During her teenage years , she was so wild and out of control that she was called Hurricane Amelia . To escape her pain she began using pills after a friend offered her her first one . She overdosed and was dead for 3 minutes but Derek saved her life . This experience urged her to get sober , which she maintained to be for many years . Part of Dr . Geraldine Ginsberg 's team , Amelia joined her boss in Los Angeles to consult on Kayla Lindy 's case , knowing she would meet her former sister - in - law Addison Forbes Montgomery , as her name was all over the case . Dr . Ginsberg found there was nothing she could do for Kayla , but Amelia firmly offered the family an option of hope in the form an experimental surgery . Geraldine promptly fired Amelia from her team for stepping up to her , but Kayla 's husband asked Amelia to perform the surgery . Reconciliation with DerekEdit Despite not having talked to him for a while , when Amelia heard that Derek got shot , she was so shocked by this that she started smoking . Addison took her cigarettes away when they were going to visit Dell 's grave , where Amelia mentioned that the world was a crappy place because of the horrible things that happened lately , like Dell 's death and Derek being shot . When she got bored at Addison 's house , she visited the practice , hoping there was a patient she could operate on . She talked to Addison and told her that she called and e - mailed Derek to find out how he was doing , but he did not return her calls , nor did he reply to her e - mails . Addison then told her that he was doing fine . Amelia was surprised that Derek had talked to Addison , while he hadn 't talked to her . " That kinda says it all , doesn 't it ? " Amelia said . When Amelia later told Addison that she wanted to go somewhere , Addison told her to start in Seattle and convinced her that Derek already hated her , so she had nothing to lose by visiting him . " I 'm gonna start in Seattle , " Amelia then said . [ 1 ] Amelia approached Naomi about a job at the practice , referring to herself as a kick - ass , world - class catch . Naomi asked Amelia why she would want to join the practice , as it was a much smaller and conservative gig than she was used to . Initially , Amelia claimed that the practice would be a good environment to broaden her skill set , but Naomi told her not to give the rehearsed answer . Amelia admitted that she had nowhere else to go where she was not alone . The next day , Naomi hired Amelia to work at the practice . [ 2 ] Amelia fully gave into her craving and got drunk at a bar . She was dancing on the bar when a quarrel with another woman caused her to fall off the bar and cut her hand open . As the bartender took away her keys , she called Sheldon , who drove her to the hospital . Amelia stitched up her own hand after Sheldon numbed it . Amelia , being the best neurosurgeon , was paged as Pete required brain surgery . Amelia ignored Charlotte 's objections and operated , claiming Pete didn 't have the time to wait for the other neurosurgeon . The surgery went well and Amelia went to Charlotte to tell her she never had problems with booze , but Charlotte took that as a sign she was in trouble and informed her her privileges were still revoked . Sheldon then drove Amelia home . [ 6 ] As Addison moved in with Sam , Amelia had the house to herself and threw a housewarming party . She claimed she didn 't drink at the party , though , and showed Charlotte her 30 day sobriety chip later that day . Charlotte said she 'd think about putting her back on the surgical rotation , angering Amelia , as she only opened up about her addiction struggles because Charlotte needed her to . She felt like Charlotte was punishing her harder than she 'd do to other people . After a talk with Sheldon , Charlotte followed the book and had Amelia take a breathalyzer test . It was negative , so Charlotte welcomed her back on the surgical rotation . Amelia stated she 'd be going to a meeting , but rather go alone . However , that night , Amelia drank an entire bottle of wine by herself while watching TV . [ 7 ] After six months in Italy , Michelle returned to Los Angeles as her symptoms had progressed . She reminded Amelia of her promise to help her die once that happened . Amelia brought it up to her colleagues , and they reminded her that 's considered murder in California , despite the fact that it may be right thing to do to stop Michelle 's suffering . Amelia decided to do it anyway and administer drugs that would end Michelle 's life . They had decided they 'd pretend that Amelia found her after staging an overdose of pills . Amelia started injecting the drugs , but Michelle had a bad reaction and told her stop . She was taken to the ER , where Pete managed to save her life . Amelia later made a pact with Michelle to move in together , so she could care for Michelle , who in return could help her to stay sober . However , that night , Amelia went to Michelle 's house for a girl 's night , only to find Michelle dead on her bed , having taken an overdose of pills for real . Amelia called the cops , and swallowed some pills with wine as soon as they left . [ 10 ] Michelle 's death pushed her over the edge . She started partying hard . One morning , Amelia woke up with a handsome , but unknown man next to her . She threw him out to go to work . She did another breathalyzer test at the hospital , which was negative . Charlotte offered her a leave of absence to mourn Michelle 's death , but Amelia just wanted Charlotte off her back . Amelia went home " sick " and found out the man hadn 't left and was sitting on her deck . They formally introduced themselves as they couldn 't remember their first encounter . Amelia then had sex with Ryan again . Knowing she truly liked him , Ryan then revealed he had pills . They cut them up and inhaled the powder . One of Amelia 's patients required emergency surgery , but Amelia didn 't answer her phone as she and Ryan were high in bed . That night , Amelia wrote them a prescription for more pills , which Ryan went to get at the pharmacy . Charlotte , having figured out that the breathalyzer test was negative because Amelia had started to take pills again , showed up at the house right when Ryan returned from the pharmacy . Charlotte wanted to tell Amelia off , but Amelia simply stated she quit her job and closed the door on her . [ 11 ] The next morning , Addison dropped by and met Ryan . Amelia told her she took the day off to be with Ryan . They bumped into Cooper and Mason at a taco stand , where Cooper noticed a rude - ish Amelia didn 't look well . Addison dropped by again that night , as she and the others were worried about her . Amelia didn 't want a lecture and told Addison they stopped being family when Addison cheated on her brother , so Addison could stop worrying over her . Amelia and Ryan fled to a hotel , where they got to know each other better . She forgot to pack her prescription pad , so she had to go to the practice to get another . She forgot to turn the alarm off , so the police busted her . Charlotte , being on call for the practice , showed up and confirmed Amelia was a doctor at the practice . The officers left , and Charlotte asked Amelia for the prescription pad she knew Amelia had come to pick up . Amelia gave her one , told Charlotte to stay out of her life , and revealed she had another prescription pad in her pocket as the elevator doors closed . Back at the hotel , Amelia came down and discovered that Ryan had invited friends over , who thanked her for the scripts . Ryan threw them out as they made Amelia feel uncomforable . At night , he and Amelia started using intravenous drugs . [ 12 ] Addison and the others at Seaside Wellness staged an intervention . They attempted to talk to her but she was too angry and aggressive to properly listen . After a lot of rude and insulting comments towards her friends , hitting them in their weak spots about their problems , Amelia eventually suffered from withdrawal symptoms . She saw through their attempt to give her Buprenorphine , which would make her symptoms disappear and prevent other drugs from getting her high , and demanded they give her more oxycodone . In return , she would stay and listen . Amelia at the intervention staged by her co - workers . The other doctors agreed on not supporting her addiction by giving her the drugs , but Addison and Sheldon went and got some pills anyway . High and finally able to listen to their pledges , Amelia actually seemed to agree to go to rehab until Ryan arrived at the practice . Seeing he wore the watch that once belonged to Amelia 's dead father , Addison confronted her about how stealing it and giving it away would make Amelia 's mother feel . When Amelia didn 't properly answer , Addison attempted to tell the story of how her father had died in front of everyone so they could understand what was going on . Immediately , Amelia had an aggressive breakdown , even threatening to kill Addison if she ever told that story to anyone . She and Ryan then quickly left . In their hotel room , both decided to take the last drugs they had and after that , to get sober together . The next morning , Amelia woke up to find Ryan not breathing beside her . He had died of an overdose . This experience destroyed Amelia . After the cops arrived , she told them to call Addison Forbes Montgomery , and tell her that Amelia was ready for rehab . [ 13 ] Amelia had a boyfriend , Ryan , with whom she did drugs when she relapsed after her best friend committed suicide . One night , they decided to take the rest of their drugs and get sober the next day . Amelia woke up the next morning to discover Ryan dead . She later found out she was pregnant ( she thought she was just experiencing withdrawal symptoms ) . It turned out the baby was anencephalic ( had no brain ) . She decided to donate the baby 's organs . There was a lot of debate within the practice about it , though the organ donation ultimately occurred , saving the lives of several other infants . [ 14 ] After donating her baby 's organs , Amelia continued to go to meetings . Soon after she was one year sober , she met the new ER attending James Peterson , who showed a romantic interest towards Amelia . After some struggles , they began a relationship . At Sam and Naomi 's second wedding , James promised her that they would get married one day . Somewhere near the end of March 2014 , James proposed to her . She accepted , but the engagement made her freak out . She traveled to Seattle to tell Derek what happened . She realized that the engagement meant that she was likely to face a different kind of life , the kind that he and Meredith have . So she came over and visit to see what her life would be if she accepted the engagement . Happy to have found a temporary solution to his and Meredith 's problem of combining their careers and family he left her to spend an entire day with the kids . She played with them , cooked dinner , and put them to bed , but when Meredith and Derek came home , they found a completely wrecked Amelia in a messy house . Amelia broke down and told them she couldn 't do this . She confessed she didn 't just come to Seattle to observe their life ; she came here to see if she could do it . She wanted the whole kids , family , and career thing with James , but she realized that she just wouldn 't be able to do it as she was already wrecked after one day . Having received an enormous blow to her self esteem , she ran off crying , followed by her brother Derek , who came after her to comfort her . [ 15 ] Amelia holding her nephew . She decided to stay with her brother in Seattle for a while . They worked together on a case to separate conjoined twins who shared brain matter . Even though he unintentionally treated her like an incompetent surgeon , she ( well aware that she was in his shadow ) proved him wrong by saving the twin who was assigned to her care after the actual separation . At the end of the day , Derek told her that Callie Torres needed an exceptional neurosurgeon for her project , as he was busy with the Presidential project now , and that he recommended her . Amelia objected that she didn 't live in Seattle , but he suggested she should , adding he liked having her with him . [ 16 ] Amelia had several phone conversations with her fiancé while continuously postponing her return to Los Angeles , resulting in fights with James . She settled in and started bonding with Meredith . They had a surgery planned together , and during the preparation , Amelia ignored several incoming calls . Meredith told her that just because she and Derek were juggling their lives , they didn 't need to keep Amelia from her work for that . Amelia snapped at her that she liked her better as the sister - in - law who didn 't give a crap about her life and asked if they could go back to that . In surgery , Meredith , thinking she and Derek made Amelia feel obligated to stay with them , told Amelia she could go back home when Derek would come from DC that night . Amelia thought she was kicking her out , but it was not that , as Meredith and Derek loved having her in Seattle , but they didn 't want to keep her from her life . Amelia was extremely relieved , as she loved Seattle as well . She compared it to her life in Los Angeles , where she would 've had a six - hour conversation if she 'd snapped at someone like she did at Meredith . She then revealed that her fights with James weren 't about her leaving for Seattle ; they were about her not wanting to ever leave again . After the surgery , she confided in Meredith that James is amazing and that he helped her through some stuff , but now she 's on the other side and she - realizing it sounds horrible - doesn 't need him anymore . She said that at the end of the night , after having no more way of avoiding it , she would call James and break his heart by telling him she couldn 't do this anymore , knowing he deserves better . [ 17 ] Now that Amelia decided to stay in Seattle , Derek was ready to let her take over his service so he and Meredith could move to DC for his brain - mapping project . Amelia started taking over his service on a couple of days in the week , even though he occasionally would hover over her . After a day with a lot of trauma and not losing even one patient , Amelia told Meredith that she felt so , so good about the whole situation . She didn 't care anymore that she was in Derek 's shadow , although the only thing that could ever make her feel better was if his shadow were gone . She said it would be okay if he and Meredith were to move to DC and became happy there . However , Meredith decided to stay in Seattle , leaving Derek to choose between staying with his family in Seattle or pursuing his professional dreams . [ 18 ] After he decided to move to D . C . , Amelia took over Derek 's job as Head of Neurosurgery at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital . Now permanently staying with her brother and sister - in - law , she witnessed their hour - long fight . She soon found her way to the AA meetings in Seattle , where she heard how Richard confessed that he had a daughter . She promised to keep his secret safe , as it was anonymous for a reason . [ 19 ] Amelia , being one of the few people to know about Richard 's relation to Maggie , befriended her later when they worked together on a case of a young girl who suffered a stroke during sexual activity . Amelia especially loved the fact that Maggie referred to Derek as the other Dr . Shepherd , whereas it usually is the other way around . Amelia became kind of jealous of her patient , as it had been a long time since she 'd had really great sex , or any sex at all , a feeling that Maggie recognized . This bonded them even more , causing Maggie to open up about her problems with Meredith . Amelia assured her that while it 's hard to get to know Meredith at first , she genuinely is worth knowing . [ 20 ] Having decided to stay in Seattle for his family , Derek couldn 't help but interfere in Amelia 's cases . She called him out on that and made it clear that she was now the Head of Neurosurgery . However , this didn 't stop him from taking the lead on a case of hers , as he claimed it got too big for her and that he was the rightful leader of the department , having more experience on a higher level than she has . He operated on her patient behind her back , infuriating her upon finding out . She later had a talk with her brother , revealing that he was frustrated that Meredith indirectly made him feel obligated to stay . He 'd never taken a step back in his career , which is why he tried to reclaim the leadership of the department . Amelia told him she recognized the feeling , as it was what he was doing to her . He assured her he hadn 't done it intentionally . He was just trying to live with his choice , which Amelia pointed out she was doing too . [ 21 ] Finding out that Maggie was going to quit , Amelia tried to stop her from doing so by getting Derek on a case with Maggie , urging them to talk . Maggie didn 't bring up that Richard and Ellis are her biological parents , and Amelia didn 't want to tell Derek herself as she found out in AA and promised Richard not to tell anyone . She did encourage Derek to talk to Meredith , but since they were fighting , Derek went to ask Maggie why Amelia wanted him to talk to his wife so badly . Maggie then revealed her secret . [ 22 ] Finally having found her footing , Amelia was thrown off when a woman she knew from Narcotics Anonymous spilled her addiction secrets at the hospital . Derek failed to support her and even gave Owen the idea to take her job . With everyone at the hospital gossiping about her , Amelia firmly stood by her right not to tell anyone more about her problems . While Derek convinced the board that Amelia was doing her job very well , Amelia found comfort with her sister - in - law Meredith . After going to a meeting , Amelia came home , telling Derek she 'd move out the next day as she couldn 't forgive him for not having her back from the beginning . He revealed he felt miserable and that he didn 't know what to do with life anymore , always trying to do right by the people around him , but instead hurting them . She very well knew the feeling , that she named rock bottom . [ 24 ] After hearing about Dr . Herman 's lethal brain tumor , Amelia was interested in examining it . She , with some help from Arizona , stole her files and brain scans and quickly came to the conclusion that she may be able to save her . Dr . Herman was skeptical at first , but eventually agreed to her plan . Amelia then presented her complex plans to Dr . Webber and the residents , getting through to no - one , until Stephanie Edwards finally got it , thus earning a place in the project . Amelia and Owen 's relationship remained professional up until they experienced an emotional connection after Amelia confided in him about her past drug addiction . He , in return , gave a vague description about his past and told her that everyone 's a risk , and that everyone has something . Later , he asked her if she had people . She assured him that she did , and then asked him the same , telling him that if he ever needed someone , she was around . [ 25 ] Some time later , when Jackson and April were facing the loss of their son , Amelia sat in the chapel thinking about her own baby that she had lost . Owen entered the chapel and sat next to her . Looking at the lit candles in the front of the room , Amelia told Owen that her baby lived for 43 minutes . Owen took her hand , and the two shared a glance , before going back to watching the candles . [ 26 ] After this emotional and very personal encounter , Amelia did not know how to act around Owen , perhaps realizing her attraction to him . The two shared awkward dialogue filled with fluster and stuttering . While she was in surgery , Amelia told Callie that when she used to be on drugs , she had " such game . " Now that she was off drugs , she had no game at all . Later , Amelia decided to go to Owen 's trailer . She showed up with a bottle of sparkling water and quickly realized the awkwardness of her decision . She turned to leave and started walking away . Owen ran to her and told her to stop walking . When he reached her , he told her that he was gonna kiss her now , so she should stop talking . The two shared their first kiss . [ 27 ] When Owen 's mother , Evelyn , came to the hospital with her much younger boyfriend , Amelia bonded with his mother and told Owen that she liked her , calling her smart and funny , though Owen was upset by the situation . Amelia tried to get him to talk to her , but Owen told her to stay the hell out of it . She walked away . Later , as she was leaving the hospital , Owen ran up to her and apologized . He told her that he was sorry for the way he spoke to her , saying that he was out of line . Amelia responded with " good , " and turned to leave . Owen told her not to go , not like this , and said that the situation took him by surprise , and that he was not always good with surprises . Amelia told him that she was not either , and that maybe they should get over that . The two retreated to Owen 's trailer and slept together . [ 28 ] Amelia and Callie had difficulty agreeing on a surgical procedure for a patient . Owen came into the room when he heard them arguing , and each pitched her idea to him . He eventually sided with Amelia , and they used Amelia 's idea on the patient . The surgery had a negative outcome and had a detrimental effect on the patient , and Amelia told Callie that they should have done it Callie 's way in the beginning . Seeing that she was upset , Owen asked Amelia what the problem was . She accused him of only siding with her because of his personal feelings for her . Owen denied it , but she told him that this was why it isn 't smart to mix personal and professional , saying that they were a mistake . Owen walked off . Later , Owen tried to get Amelia to tell him what was really going on , because he wanted what they started , but he needed a little help . Amelia began to tell him that she didn 't think this was the place they should be talking about this , but the phone rang for her , and she went to answer it , ending the conversation . [ 30 ] Later , Amelia and Owen were caught in an elevator together . Owen told her that they both know that their relationship was more , but she told him that she didn 't have any more to give . Owen said that he was done , and exited the elevator . Amelia stared after him . Amelia and Owen continued having inharmonious interactions , even getting into a heated argument in front of Edwards . Following this , Amelia told Owen that she was there , ready to talk , but he was pissed at her , so she was getting punished , referring to Owen 's half - hearted and monosyllabic responses . She told him that this was unfair and pushed him into an on - call room . She told him that he was hardly being civil , and he sat on the bed and explained that the case they were working on together was bringing up guilty feelings about the plane crash that he caused , saying that he put them on the plane . Amelia sat next to him and took his hand . Owen told her that he wouldn 't survive another plane crash , and that was all they were . Amelia let go of his hand and left the room . [ 31 ] Amelia was one of the last people to speak to Derek before his fatal accident . She was in the OR as they were talking about his secret shortcut to the airport , but the connection got lost . Unknown to Amelia , that would be the last time she 'd ever talk to her brother , as he later died at Dillard Medical Center after his car got hit by a truck . [ 32 ] Amelia was one of the last people to find out about Derek 's death as hospital protocol dictated that she couldn 't be informed during surgery . Callie , who heard before entering the OR , had to keep a straight face throughout the entire surgery . As soon as she was done , Owen asked to talk . She immediately recognized the face , having seen it before , and asked who died . He informed her it was Derek and started to tell the details , but she shut him up , not wanting to hear any more as dead was dead . She hardened herself and said she knew how to handle this , having gone through this before . The funeral passed and Amelia was left alone when Meredith left with her kids without saying where to , and Owen left for an army mission . Throughout the following weeks , Amelia made her colleagues uncomfortable with dark jokes about her brother 's death . To distract herself from her true feelings , she buried herself in her work . Amelia yells at Richard . Months later , when Richard asked to have coffee together , she burst out , yelling that her time was crucial in order to save people , so that her patients ' families wouldn 't need to lose their loved ones . She also yelled that she was saving lives , contrary to the doctors that failed to save her brother . At that exact time , Owen returned from his army mission . The confrontation embarrassed Amelia and led her to buy oxy from a junkie doctor . Pacing up and down the deck of the dream house , Amelia was doubting whether to take drugs again after 1 , 321 days of sobriety as Owen came to visit her . She said that she had it all managed , Derek 's death , and that she was fine , explaining she put on the mask of the funny girl to escape the pain . Owen managed to get through to her and said it was normal and human to let the pain and the grief in , to be completely destroyed . He also pointed out that she 'd manage to build herself up again after this . Also , if she were going to take this bag of oxy , he knew it wouldn 't be her last . Knowing this was true , she gave him the oxy and she broke down as she finallAmelia confronts Meredith . Eventually , Meredith returned from San Diego with her new baby daughter , Ellis . Amelia helped her take care of the kids , but she resented Meredith for not having called her to the hospital before the plug was pulled on her brother . On top of that , Meredith decided to put out feelers for the house with a real estate agent without notifying Amelia . These feelings of anger and resentment came to the surface when Meredith wanted to give up on their patient during a field rotation . Amelia directly asked Meredith when she personally decided to give up on someone . Meredith apologized for the house situation and for leaving after Derek 's death . Amelia says Meredith should have called her , as she might have been able to pull off a miracle to save Derek 's life . Meredith again stated that it was too late back then . Amelia repeated Meredith should have called her , and she blurted out that Meredith was the reason that she didn 't get to say goodbye to her brother . After having said this , Amelia left , after which Meredith broke down crying . [ 34 ] An emotional Amelia after hearing Derek 's voice mail message . This made Meredith realize she hadn 't been a good sister to Amelia and as a peace offering , she gave Amelia her old phone , which contained a voice mail message from Derek from the day he died . Later , at Richard and Catherine 's wedding party , Owen found Amelia sitting in Meredith 's bedroom by herself with the phone in her hands . Amelia informed him about the message and that she couldn 't get herself to hit play . Owen sat down and hit play for her . He then wanted to give her privacy to hear Derek 's words , but she grabbed his hand to make him stay . Hearing Derek talk about his plans for his family and the ferry boat , Amelia got emotional . The message made her forgive Meredith and Amelia sat down with her and Maggie on the deck . Seeing everyone happy and dancing in the living room , Meredith told them that it was Derek 's wish to fill the house with noise and people , so she wanted this to be her last memory of the house . Meredith noticed the two women were in need of dancing it out , so she took their hands and dragged them inside to do so . [ 35 ] Although Amelia and Owen did not have an established romantic relationship , they continued with an amicable one . On the porch of Meredith 's house , which Amelia shared with her and Maggie , she was telling Owen that she did not want to go inside , referring to the tension between her and Meredith . She continued to talk , and Owen kissed her mid - sentence . [ 36 ] Following the kiss , Amelia was confused about the nature of her relationship with Owen , telling Maggie and Meredith that she thought they were just friends . Amelia and Owen continued throughout the day with awkward encounters , only speaking directly on one occasion . Later , they were again caught in an elevator together . Owen stopped the elevator and asked her why she wouldn 't talk to him , and she told him that she was confused . Owen said they should talk about it , and Amelia agreed . The two shared a passionate kiss . [ 37 ] Amelia tried to get Owen to open up to her about his problems with Riggs , but he told her that he was not like her and didn 't need to talk everything to death . He said to listen to the words he was saying and that he didn 't want her help , not with this . He stormed away angrily . Later , Amelia went to a bar , and Riggs bought her a drink , leading up to her relapse . [ 38 ] After getting sober and earning her 30 day chip , Amelia and Owen went back to having an amicable , platonic relationship . After learning that Amelia had been sleeping at the hospital since being kicked out of Meredith 's home , he told her that she could always stay with him . Amelia said it wouldn 't be a good idea for her sobriety , but that she was going to need dinner . They agreed to get dinner that night . Later , when they were supposed to leave , Owen , who was upset due to another confrontation with Riggs asked her if they could do it another night . She said okay , but that she didn 't know how to do this thing he did where he made her feel like crap even though there were no words coming out of his mouth . She said that he 'd call her , maybe or maybe not , and maybe she would not care . She turned to leave and started walking , but Owen stopped her by telling her that he had a sister . Owen gave her a vague reason of why he had such an issue with Riggs . Amelia gave him some advice , and then they went to get dinner . [ 39 ] After spending a night with Owen , Amelia told him the next day that it was wrong of her to come over , saying that she should not be starting anything new . She continued to tell him that she screwed everything up and that she didn 't want him to be one of those things . Later , in an on - call room , Owen told her they are not starting anything new . He said that if they wanted to start a clean slate , they could do that , but they should do it . They agreed to start over . [ 40 ] Amelia knocked on the door of Owen 's trailer , as they were supposed to be eating dinner together because his birthday was approaching . Owen opened the door , very obviously drunk because of another confrontation with Riggs . Owen was stumbling around and muttering , and Amelia said that she was going to go , knowing that because of all the alcohol that is around , being around Owen at the moment could compromise her sobriety . She ran from the trailer , crying . [ 41 ] The next day , Amelia didn 't see Owen until later , having taken the day off work . That night , he approached her on the front porch of Meredith 's house and apologized , telling her that it wouldn 't happen again . She told him that she appreciated his words , but that she couldn 't count on them , saying that she could only count on herself and so she couldn 't do that with him right now , and maybe not ever . She asked him to leave . [ 42 ] Amelia and Owen continued with a professional , but friendly relationship . In the attendings ' lounge , Owen confessed to Amelia that it was his fault that his sister boarded the helicopter that she disappeared on . Amelia hugged him , telling him that he didn 't mean to . [ 43 ] Meredith , Maggie , and the kids walked in on Amelia and Owen naked on the couch . In the car , Meredith and Maggie teased her , but Amelia told them she and Owen could not be in a relationship . At the end of the day , as the three were leaving the hospital , Meredith told Amelia that she had happiness , but she kept throwing it away . She told her to stop the drama and get on with it already . Amelia turned around and started running . She took a cab to Owen 's trailer , and told him that they were not the kind of people who say " I love you . " She said that a relationship with him would be messy and scary , but it was harder to love someone than to walk away from them . Owen told her that if they were to be together , he would end up screwing all of it up . Amelia said that she would , too . Owen took her hand and said , " let 's screw some things up , " and then kissed her . [ 44 ] Not long after deciding to be a couple for real , Amelia and Owen began to have hypothetical discussions about weddings , kids , and a life together . After Owen bought a house of his own and implied that Amelia was welcome to move in with him , she ended up proposing to him , wanting to move from merely talking about their future to actually building their life together . He said yes . [ 45 ] Now engaged , the couple quickly began to plan their wedding . On the day of her wedding , however , Amelia phoned her mother only to find out that neither she nor any of her sisters was going to attend the ceremony , believing it to be just another rushed decision and even doubting Amelia 's sobriety . Her family 's betrayal left Amelia devastated and she began to doubt whether she was doing the right thing after all . Her doubts were only amplified upon overhearing Meredith discussing Cristina with Owen , and before long , Amelia was escaping her own wedding with Meredith and Maggie . After taking her time to freak out and sort her thoughts , however , Amelia decided to go back to Owen , who had patiently been waiting for her , and ended up walking down the aisle after all . [ 46 ] Amelia has spunk and is always very outspoken and charismatic . She is that " badass " type of girl who doesn 't let anything or anyone get in her way . She also has a knack for saying the wrong things at the wrong time in uncomfortable or awkward situations . She seems to have slight trust issues also , because of her troubled past and has trouble letting others into her life . After overcoming her drug problems , she appears to have matured . Her dark backstory changed her , although she remains straight - shooting , sarcastic and funny . She sometimes appears to be tough and closed off , but she 's occasionally warm and overbearingly compassionate . Callie describes her as " volatile , " and she has earned the nickname " Hurricane Amelia . " Amelia got serious with Ryan , whom she met at a club and subsequently slept with . Amelia and Ryan became very close with their common drug addiction , going on a drug binge for twelve days where they slept together and did drugs . After a failed intervention with the Oceanside Wellness Group , Amelia returned to her hotel room with Ryan where they made the pact to " get clean " after consuming the last bit of the drugs they had ; Amelia passed out and woke to find Ryan dead next to her . After the ordeal , Amelia checked herself into a rehab facility . After she fully recovered , she discovered she was pregnant with Ryan 's baby . She discovered it quite late , because she assumed the symptoms were withdrawal symptoms . When Addison gave Amelia her first ultrasound , she discovered her baby boy was anencephalic , meaning he would be born without a brain . During the pregnancy , Amelia decided to donate her baby 's organs to save other babies all over the country . After some difficulties with St . Ambrose Hospital 's lawyers and an ethical disagreement with Sam , the baby 's organs were donated . James and Amelia worked together at St . Ambrose . James kept asking her out , but she rejected him . When they finally went out , he didn 't kiss her at the end of the date . He did that twice , which is why Amelia decided to go on a date with someone else . When she was getting ready to go to the date , James showed up at her house and said he couldn 't stand the anticipation , and they finally kissed , starting off their relationship . At Naomi and Sam 's wedding , he told her they were going to be the ones to get married someday . In March 2014 , he proposed to her . She accepted , but the fact that she was facing a new kind of life made her freak out and flee to Seattle , to find out if she could live a life like her brother Derek and his wife Meredith . Soon after , she decided to move to Seattle , and ended her relationship with James . Mark was Derek 's childhood friend and often at the Shepherd 's home . So Amelia grew up with Mark around . Years later , they had a brief sexual relationship during her first visit to Seattle after the mass shooting . Amelia was shocked when she heard of Mark 's death in the aftermath of the plane crash . After helping Ruby save her mom , they hugged . Then they were seen making out in an on - call room and he carried her to a bed . After many interruptions while trying to consummate their affections , they finally slept together after Owen apologized for lashing out at her while his mother was in the hospital . When a surgery went wrong , Amelia accused Owen of only supporting her inferior approach because he had feelings for her . She said she gave up everything from her past life to start fresh in Seattle and that they shouldn 't have started dating , as it affected their professional careers . Owen then tried to understand where that was coming from , but after fighting , Owen ended things in an on - call room , calling their relationship a " plane crash . " She is very close to her former sister - in - law , Addison , and says that she has always been a better sister to her than her real sisters . Amelia has three sisters and one brother . She does not believe in God and does not think that people can change . She doesn 't give details but she tells Sam that she has " done stuff . . . bad stuff " . She prefers to try and help other people with their personal problems rather than deal with her own life . Amelia shut out Addison when Addison informed her that her baby had no brain . When Amelia was in labor , she accepted Addison 's help and they renewed their friendship . Addison even asked Amelia to be Henry 's godmother . Sheldon helped Amelia give up drugs . After Amelia 's rehabilitation , Sheldon had a hard time forgiving her for the mistakes she made when she was using . After a short time , they reconciled . Amelia mentioned to him that he had to live a long life , so that she could make everything he did for her up to him . Amelia and Charlotte were close friends . After Charlotte was raped , they bonded over their similar drug history . They went to AA meetings together and looked out for each other . Charlotte was very protective over Amelia when she knew of her new developed cravings for alcohol . When Amelia slipped and drank before being paged to operate on a patient , Charlotte took her privilege to operate and fired her . After she hurt her hand in a bar , Sheldon took her to the hospital so that she could fix it . At the same time , Pete suffered a heart attack and Amelia was paged to help Sam in the OR to save Pete 's life . Still technically not allowed to operate , Amelia still went and helped . Charlotte checked on her but let her do her thing anyway . After the surgery , Charlotte talked to Amelia again about her addiction . Amelia argued she had never been an alcoholic and her problem were pills . Charlotte disagreed and told her she was still suspended until she got help because she refused to support her addiction any longer . To prove that she was able to operate again , Amelia showed Charlotte her one month chip from AA . Charlotte still didn 't give her her job back . After talking to Sheldon though , Charlotte gave in and let Amelia take a breathalizer test to see if she wasn 't lying . She was sober . They made a deal that Amelia could operate again , but would have to take a breath test every morning for a while . After Amelia 's friend Michelle died , she turned to drugs again . Charlotte eventually noticed her changed behavior and confronted her about her drug use . Amelia quit the practice as a consequence . When Amelia broke into the practice to get her prescription pad , the police wanted to arrest her . Charlotte arrived and identified Amelia to protect her . As Amelia wanted to leave , Charlotte knew she had her prescription pad to get more drugs . She begged Amelia to accept her help but Amelia stormed off . Charlotte then initiated the intervention in hope of saving Amelia . Amelia said some hurtful things during this time but after she got out of rehab 50 days later , Charlotte welcomed her back nevertheless . Their friendship survived Amelia 's relapse . She is a world - class neurosurgeon like Derek and although talking to her brother about her situation could help her find a new position she does not want to call him because of the " lectures and the " I told you so " s and the " You screwed up again " s that she fears will follow . Amelia takes risks in surgeries and at times appears very confident in her own abilities but when problems arise she can become overwhelmed with self - doubt . Sam had to push her to finish her surgery on Addison 's comatose patient after complications arose . After she was fired by Dr . Ginsberg , Amelia worked as a neurosurgeon at the Oceanside Wellness Group . After this practice was dissolved , Amelia continued working at Seaside Health and Wellness , the successor of the Oceanside Wellness Group . While working at both practices , Amelia held hospital privileges at St . Ambrose Hospital . A few years later , she went to Seattle to visit her brother and sister - in - law as well as their kids . While she was there , she was given privileges at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital and eventually started taking over her brother 's practice . Since he planned to move to D . C . , she took over his job and became the Head of Neurosurgery . After getting sober for the first time , Amelia got addicted to running . She would wake up while it was still dark and run for miles . This ended when she was clipped by a minivan . She said to Owen that she lost all the men she loved , referring to her father , her brother , her son , and her fiancé . [ 49 ] Amelia : When I was a kid , my dad was shot in front of me . You know , what helped keep me going , was my mother . Every night before bed she said ' goodnight , I love you . I will see you tomorrow . ' and there was no confusion . There was no doubt that she loved me enough for both of them , and that even in his absence she would be there , always . Amelia : I 'm an adult . Do you think that means I miss my father any less ? He never saw me become a surgeon , he 's not gonna walk me down the aisle , he 's not gonna see my kids . I would give anything , Addison . Anything to have him . I mean you 're talking about 10 or 15 good years , I am talking about a lifetime . . . if someone would have given me a chance to have him for all of it . . . ( Walks away crying ) Amelia : I gave birth to one , not that long ago . I held him for a few minutes and then I donated his organs . They took him out of my arms and they took him apart . And if I let myself drink I would never stop . You 're asking me out because you look at me and you think we 're about the same age , we could have fun . I might have made the same mistake if I were you . But we 're not the same age . I 'm about a hundred years older than I look . Amelia : Everyone 's been looking at me , waiting for me to fall apart , or freak out , or just become a mess . Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off . My mother was calling three , four times a day . Addison was calling . Everyone . Makes sense . It 's natural . Every man I 've ever loved has died . Including my baby . Thank you , universe . So , I should be , like Greek tragedy , turned to stone , bat - crap crazy , but I 'm good . I got this . I am fine . I 'm telling you , I 'm amazing . I am saving lives left and right . I am putting butts in the seats in that O . R . gallery . I mean , people are fighting to hear me lecture . I am entertaining . Joke , joke , joke ! I 'm funny ! I 'm fun ! I 'm a party ! I 'm doing I 'm great ! I 'm handling the dead - Derek thing really well . Derek : Look , I 'm … I 'm trying to help you . Please , don 't put yourself through this . You 're too fragile . Amelia : I am not fragile . I 'm a drug addict . I 've fallen off the wagon twice and I 've gotten back on it . That doesn 't make you fragile , Derek , that makes you very freaking strong . I am standing in a building full of pills right now , a fact that I am painfully aware of … But I am doing this . That is not fragile . Amelia : My father was murdered . My brother and I were there when it happened . I was just a kid at the time , but the bottom fell out of my whole world . I was . . There was a dark place , and I was in it . Until one day this friend gave me a pill . And I took it , and all of a sudden I felt okay . Better than okay . I felt good , and so I kept taking them and I felt . . great . And when people would try to stop me and tell me it wasn 't real , I would just laugh . Because it was real . How I felt , it was better . It was better than being miserable . But it almost killed me . I was dead for three minutes , and let me tell you , when you are lying on a stretcher , gasping for what you think are your last breaths , you don 't think that dying happy is better than living sad . Dying sucks . It hurts . In a way that I can 't describe to you . And no , I don 't believe that people can change . I don 't believe that you 'll change , but maybe I 'm wrong . And hell , maybe you will wake up from the surgery and you will be happy . But if you 're dead . . if you 're rotting in the ground from some tumor that ate your brain , you don 't get a chance to find that out . One more thing , and then I 'll go . I 'm not a religious person . I don 't believe in God . But if I did , I wouldn 't believe in a God that wanted you to die the horrible , painful death that you will experience from a giant tumor that will take away your ability to speak , and see , and go to the bathroom , and breathe on your own . That can 't be good . Amelia : The key , though , win or lose , is not to fail . And the only way to fail is not to fight . So you fight until you can 't fight anymore . Hold up you head and enter the arena , and face the enemy . Fight until you can 't fight anymore , never let go , never give up , never run , never surrender . Fight the good fight , you fight even when it seems inevitable that you 're about to go down swinging . Why do we even try when the barriers are so high and the odds are so low ? Why don 't we just pack it in and go home ? It would be so , so much easier . It 's because in the end , there 's no glory in easy . No one remembers easy . They remember the blood and the bones and the long , agonizing fight to the top . And that is how you become legendary . Amelia : At least you know what you want . I mean , you know who you are and what you want and what 's important to you . Me , I 'm a mess . I don 't have anything , or anyone , or even any kind of idea who I am , or what I am doing , or why . And I have done stuff . I have done bad stuff and I don 't know what I 'm doing anymore . Amelia : People don 't change . They modify . They adjust . Underneath , we are who we are . People just get better at covering up their flaws . Amelia : I don 't know how to apologize . I don 't know how . I wanna take back everything I said , I know I can 't . I was sick , and I was scared . And I didn 't mean … I wanted to hurt you , I was trying to hurt you and I think I succeeded . And if I could change that , if I could go back and unsay … If I could go back and undo … The drugs … some people think that alcohol and drugs bring out the truth … Maybe that 's the case with normal people , I don 't know . I won 't ever know . But I know that with me the drugs bring out lies , they bring out hate , and they bring out cruelty and viciousness , and those things are not me . They are not the real me . The real me is the person that you knew before the drugs , the real me is the person that is sitting here now . And I hope that you believe me when I say how sorry I am . But even if you don 't believe me I have to say it anyway because I wanna live . The man I loved died and I think that he would be … I think that he would be so pissed at me if I died too so , I 'm saying that I 'm sorry and I 'm saying that I hope you can forgive me . I hope I can forgive myself . I can 't take it back but I 'm gonna try to move forward and I 'm going to try to do better . I 'm gonna try to never hurt any of you ever again . Amelia : Can I say one thing ? She loved him , there was a reason . She loved him for a reason . That 's what I hold on to , Derek loved her . Your sister loved Riggs , so there 's good in there . That makes him family and that means that maybe he deserves another chance . Amelia : You 're gonna say it 's because , technically , a child with a working brain stem can 't be declared brain dead even though he 'll never walk or talk or move or eat , even though he 's missing the parts of his brain that he needs to have a life . Not just be alive , but have a life . To love , to think , to know words and feelings , to be conscious . You 're gonna talk to me about medicine and technicalities and the failings of science . Yeah . But the thing is , that 's not why you won 't do the harvest . It 's because it 's unimaginable . What I 'm asking you to do is unimaginable . It 's horrible . It 's excruciating . I 'm asking you to help dismantle my baby for parts . And there 's no piece of anyone 's soul that can hold that and feel okay . But I 'm asking . I 'm asking you . I 'm his mother . And I 'm asking you to do this . And you want to know why ? It 's because I did a little research , Sam . Science . In Chicago , there 's this baby girl , 6 weeks old , with pulmonary hypertension who needs new lungs . Outside Detroit there is a 10 - day - old boy who was born blind , but could see if he had new corneas . I read this blog about this 14 - month - old kid named Gideon in San Diego who 's been on a heart - lung machine for months because he needs one tiny valve in his heart . There 's burned babies who need skin . There 's infants who need livers , and toddlers who need kidneys , and there 's even this one 4 - month - old girl named Lulu who needs a multiple - organ transplant . My baby could save all of those babies . He could be responsible for kids leaving the hospital and going home and growing up and falling in love and having sex and arguing with their boyfriends and making mistakes and living and maybe not ruining their lives with drugs . What I 'm asking you to do is unimaginable . But it 's also everything those other mothers could ever imagine . I 'm his mom . And I 'm asking you to do this . If I can get there , why can 't you ? Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
Cairo 's harsh sun speared through Harthoth 's window , shedding unneeded light on his desk . Putting away his pen , the gargoyle rose from his chair and walked over to the blinds . Pulling them shut , he put on his human guise as he felt another presence in the office . " I suppose the day of your freedom is almost here , is it not , sorcerer ? " Isfet asked , not expecting Harthoth to answer . " You will be one of the few gargoyles who is not enslaved or killed once his day comes . " " So you think . He won 't stand for this , " Isfet commented . " If this assignment has any problems , my father will not let you live . " Sata switched her pruning shears into her dominant hand and snipped at a stray branch of her favorite bonsai tree . This was one of her favorite places to come , especially when the rest of the world was so hectic . It seemed that this entire year had been nothing but one task after another : from Samson 's crisis and the introduction of the Gargoyle Education League ( a society that scared her beyond words ) to Demona 's kidnapping and the appearance of an even greater enemy in the shadows of the city . The Pyramid 's garden was quiet , and almost no one bothered her there unless it was important . She knew that he had appeared behind her , and in all the time he had visited her , Sata still did not know exactly how Harthoth was able to go between Manhattan and Cairo as he did . It was magic , most likely , but she was not one to pry when it did not hurt anybody . The samurai turned , her pruning shears still in her hand . " Samurai , " the gargoyle spoke back . He meant it as a meaning of respect , but he always felt that she took it as a patronizing comment . " I 'm afraid I don 't have time to visit tonight , Sata . But I wanted to check in on you , just the same . " Sata nodded . Brooklyn kissed her again , this time a bit harder and bit longer . She put her arms around his neck . When the kiss broke off , she put her head on his shoulder , feeling his heartbeat even through the cold metal of his breastplate . Brooklyn smiled as he saw light snow falling from the sky . He and Samson were taking a break on a rooftop in a less dangerous part of the city . The wind had kicked up , but neither of the gargoyles noticed with their thick skin . " It 's a rare thing anymore , " Samson said . Brooklyn was pleased that he had returned to his old self over the course of the past year . With everything that had happened , he knew that Samson had been through a lot . " But , yeah . She came . Last February . Just for a minute . I never actually saw her ship , because I think she parked it on the outside of town , in the ruins . On my way home , though , I saw a ship just like that heading towards the east , " Samson admitted . " Are you kidding ? My mom would still be searching for her . She 's been gone for fifteen years . I just didn 't think it was the right thing to do . She gave me a number to reach her at , but I threw it away . " Samson nodded , not saying anything about the sudden change of subject in their conversation . " I think so ; more southeast , actually . It was a few months ago . " " Right . Let 's get back to the Pyramid . I don 't think anything is going to happen tonight . " They flew the rest of the way in silence . Sata held Graeme in her arms , trying to get him to take a nap . Of course , it was not any use . He moved this way and that , and would sometimes attempt to move his wings into a different position . When she heard her husband come into their room , she decided to give up . Setting her son on the ground , Sata went to meet Brooklyn . She went to embrace him , as she did most times when he returned from patrolling . This time , though , he avoided her for a few moments . He settled on the couch , swinging Ariana up into his arms , and whisking his tail away from Graeme 's sharp teeth at the last moment " It 's Alex . We 've got a message for you on a priority channel . It 's pre - recorded . You want it now ? " Harthoth 's face appeared on the screen . Brooklyn sighed , while Sata just stared at the familiar face projected in front of her . " Hello , old friend . I 'm afraid the time has come that we need to meet , face to face . I believe you know where I am , and I must insist that you come . If not , I can send someone to . . . escort you . " The screen went blank . Brooklyn was not sure how long they stood there in silence , not touching each other . For a moment , he wasn 't even sure if Sata was still behind him . Finally , he heard her sweet and gentle voice . " Are we going to go ? " Brooklyn sighed . " I 'll go . Alone . " He turned to her , looking into her dark eyes . " I love you . We 'll talk when I get back . Is there something that you need to tell me ? " Sata looked away , but Brooklyn put his hand on her chin and gently held it in place , keeping his gaze on her own . " Whatever it is , however bad it is , I will always love you , no matter what . You know that , right ? " Sata nodded . He kissed her , hard and lovingly . With his eyes closed , Brooklyn turned towards the door and exited the room . Sata picked up Ariana , who latched onto her mother with all the love in the world , and sat down . She could only wonder about what to do next . " That 's what the notes say . I just wish they were more specific . " He turned to his friend . " Anything you need , you have . The power of my company is at your clan 's disposal . " " You are a part of this clan , Alex . I thank you , " Artus told him . He sighed , rubbing his eyes in exhaustion . " I 'm going to see Sata . " Brooklyn entered the Eyrie Pyramid 's transport hangar , a plan already forming in his mind . He quickly grabbed a gun from the shelf near the entrance , knowing that he did not have clearance to do any of this . Hopefully , he would go to Egypt and get back before anybody noticed he was gone . But that was not Harthoth 's style . He knew the sorcerer better than anybody else , and he could play Harthoth just as well as his old friend could play him . At least , he liked to think that he could . Brooklyn had not seen the black gargoyle since he had returned to Sata , and now a million thoughts ran though his head . He knew that something was going on with Sata , and he knew that she had a good reason for keeping whatever it was secret . What if Harthoth , or any other number of his enemies , had infiltrated his clan , or even his family ? What if they were watching his every move , even now ? What if . . . No , he would not let himself think that . It was impossible for that to happen . They had too much love between them , and even Harthoth had enough respect for him to not even think about that . Approaching a standard transport , he climbed inside and set the course . Southeast . His mind did not want to think about that possibility , either . Brooklyn set his pulse rifle in the seat next to him and confirmed the destination . He should be there by the next evening , if not earlier . Nobody could have imagined that something this horrible could have happened , especially no one in her family . As far as Gwenyvere knew , nothing like this had happened in her twenty - six years of living . Though she was only a child of thirteen in gargoyle years , she knew that what had happened was bad . Her father had said they would write about the earthquake in history books long after they were gone from this earth . It was three days since a force of nature had destroyed her home . And now they were picking up the pieces . The clan 's leader had told them all that this would help the humans understand and accept them . Gwenyvere did not know very much about that , but she knew that she hated cleaning up debris . Normally children would not be allowed to do such a thing , but the desecration of the earthquake stretched across the entire island , and the clan had promised to give all the support they could . Her mother had said that it was important , and Gwenyvere was inclined to agree . Her older brother Artus , who was a gleaming gem in the clan 's eye , was in front of her , trying to work as hard as he could . He was twenty three gargoyle years of age , the most popular male in his generation . He knew , as did Gwenyvere , that it was more because of his bloodline than anything else . She loved her brother , but sometimes she felt that he got all of the attention . The attention that did not go to Artus went to her six - year - old brother Samson . At times , Gwenyvere could understand that . She knew that her parents loved her , especially her dad ; but she also knew that they loved her siblings as well . " I guess so , " she said innocently . " I just don 't understand why exactly we 're doing all this . Everything was pretty much destroyed except the old castle and some of the newer buildings . " " We 're doing this because we 're the only ones who can get around the destruction . A lot of people were hurt the other day , and most of the city has been evacuated under the mayor 's orders . Xanatos said that he 'd help us out as much as he could , and we are going to help as much as we can . " Artus did not respond to her comment . " Don 't worry . Everything will be okay . We can rebuild the city as much as possible . This is still our home . In fact , when we 're done , it will be even more our home because we 'll be the ones who build it . " Angela awoke from her nap with a jump , rubbing her eyes . In her old age , she had grown accustomed to taking a nap now and then . But lately , her sleep had been filled with dreams of days gone by . Those were days that she had tried long and hard to forget about . Since this was not her natural stone sleep , Angela had suspected that the dreams might be magical in origin . None of them had been from her point of view , but from that of someone close to her . The one tonight , though , was longer and more detailed . And each night , they were growing closer to . . . well , closer to that fateful day . Sata heard a knock at her door , and for a moment considered not answering . If it had been Harthoth , he simply would have appeared to her . If somebody had gone to the trouble of coming to her , it must be important . The female gargoyle waved to the door , and it opened . " Clan stories , from my childhood before the Quake . Clan legends and things like that . According to them he died a long time ago . A very long time ago , in fact . Why ? " Sata sighed , thinking about telling him everything . The stories about Apep and Meryt , about how Harthoth and she had become close friends since Brooklyn had come back to her . But he would not understand . Artus had not lived the life that she had . Artus nodded . " Listen , I know Brooklyn got a message earlier tonight . He borrowed a transport , but we 're not sure where he went . Do you have any idea ? " After traveling in time for as long as he had , Brooklyn was somewhat used to irregular sun cycles . However , he had been stationary for almost four years , and coming to Egypt had disrupted his internal clock . When he awoke that evening in the transport pod , he knew that he had not been asleep for that long . Brooklyn stepped outside , breathing in the harsh air that had not seemed to change in eight thousand years . He knew it had though . The air was full of technology and sound , even in this barren desert . Brooklyn guessed he was maybe five miles from Harthoth 's compound , and there seemed to be no way to get at it from an altitude . " I wish I could say it was more welcome . " Brooklyn saw a group of Isfet 's followers behind her , ready to attack if she gave the command . This was an ambush , plain and simple . " Harthoth wishes to see you , " she continued . " But luckily , my father has allowed me to have a little fun first . " Brooklyn smiled . " If I knew you felt that way , I would have come earlier . " His eyes became their bright white with adrenaline , adding to the dim light provided by the stars and moon . Isfet held out her hand , a blade standing at ready . " I 'm almost glad that it 's this way . Of course , I would rather you died eons ago . " She attacked , jumping in the night air . Her minions stayed back . Brooklyn caught Isfet 's arm , digging his claws deep into her skin . The dragon female screamed , reaching for her enemy 's face . He pulled out from her arm , throwing her into the desert . " You want to keep doing this , Isfet ? I can go all night . " " I 'm sure you can , Timedancer . Unfortunately , we simply don 't have the time . " Isfet smiled , looking past Brooklyn to her minions behind him . " Do it now , " she said simply . Brooklyn whirled around on his heel ; his eyes still their bright white . He felt a sharp pain in his leg , but never saw the man who had shot him with the tranquilizer dart . He knew he should have come better prepared , but he knew in his heart that Harthoth would never kill him . As Brooklyn fell the ground , he sensed Isfet walk up to his body before he lost total consciousness . Smiling , she knelt to him , grabbing his head by his long white hair . " This is what it comes to , " she said , bringing the sharp talons of her hands down on his back . Sighing , Isfet dropped Brooklyn 's head back down the ground . " Indeed he did . " She stood , dusting her clothes absently with her hands . " Take him to a cell . Try not to be to careful with him . " The dragon waved her hand , disappearing with a transparent shimmer . " One year later . " That was what all of the news reports had started out as . Gwenyvere was tired of hearing that , but on this particular night she could care less . Central Park was finally reopening , and her parents had taken them all to see it , along with most of the clan . Broadway put his arm around Angela 's shoulder as they watched their children go off into the festivities of the Parks 're - opening . " Amazing what you can accomplish , isn 't it ? " he asked , not really meaning for it to be a question . " To think that we help to rebuild most of this city . . . " Broadway trailed off . He looked at his mate , seeing in her eyes that she was somewhere else this evening . She cut him off . " No . I want to go back to Avalon . It can be safe there . My brothers and sisters are there . Our children can survive there . " " But it won 't be soon . Soon the crime and the persecution will come back . I don 't want to spend every night wondering if we 're all going to make it to the next morning . " " It 's not my home anymore . Not after the Quake . I haven 't been happy for a long time . I think the only place I can be happy is with my other family , especially after all that 's happened . But I couldn 't go without you . Just think about it , okay ? " she asked . " I remember that night , " Broadway said . " I just try not to think about it that much . Why do you think you 're dreaming about it ? " She shook her head . " I 'm not sure . But . . . what if Gwenyvere is in some type of trouble ? What if these dreams are her way of telling me that she needs to see me ? " Brooklyn snored like a child who had taken cold medication . The loud , drawn out noises eventually found their way into his dreams , waking him up with a jump . He felt damp and cold , as if he had been taken out of Egypt completely . He did not know if that was the situation , as Brooklyn could hardly see two feet in front of him . Brooklyn found her , helping the ancient gargoyle to her feet . The hugged , Meryt leaning on him more than standing on her own . She was still cold to the touch , as she had been for so long . " It 's a spell . It wears off when I move around , " she explained to him . " He 's trying to keep me here . I 'm not sure for what . " " You have a message , " Lexington 's computerized voice came through to Artus ' office . Sighing , he set down his pen and stretched out his neck , wishing he could be out in the sky with some of the other patrollers . But unfortunately , a large part of being clan leader had become official duties , and that meant large amounts of paperwork he knew nothing about . " Greetings , Leader . I felt it my duty to inform you that the Timedancer is in safe keeping at my facility . I have no intentions of hurting him , and he should return to you shortly . It is my request that you stay as far away from here as you can , or my intentions might be persuaded to change . I bid you and your clan well , Leader . " " I know where it 's located , " he said . " Thanks , Lex . Tell Sata and Alex to meet me in Transport Hangar C . We 're going to be taking a little trip . " Artus , Sata , and Alex came into the transport hangar , ready for a battle at any minute . Artus had quickly grabbed a small pulse pistol from the castle arsenal , while Alex had donned the latest version of his personal exo - suit , the same crimson red color that his father 's had been almost two hundred years ago . Sata looked as she always did , quietly ready for action , her twin blades at her side . Artus and Alex walked over to Persephone and Serena , each taking them into their arms . Persephone drew back first , looking into her mate 's eyes . " I hope you know what you 're doing . " " I don 't think we 've ever been apart . Not when there was the danger that you couldn 't come back , " Serena told Alex , her head lying on his shoulder . She did not care about the cold metal that covered her husband . She knew he was under there somewhere . Artus looked at her eyes and nodded . There was not much arguing with his mother once she had made up her mind . " Very well , " Artus agreed . Alex kissed Serena and boarded the transport , a large pulse rifle in his hand . He chose not to look back . Artus squeezed his mate 's hand , letting go slowly to pull his father in an embrace . " She 'll be okay , " Broadway said . He walked slowly to the transport , looking at his father . " Come home , " he said , putting his arms around his youngest child 's neck . Samson boarded , looking at his family the entire time . Sata looked at those who were remaining , trying to find something to say to them . They had all been so good to her since she had arrived . They had given so much and asked for nothing in return . Now they were giving up their own family to save hers , and she had nothing to give them in return . Sata nodded and entered the transport . Broadway , Persephone , and Serena stood back as the launch doors opened , the wind harsh and cold this high up . The transport 's thrusters lifted the pod and it shot out of the building and into the night sky . " Alex must be driving , " Serena said , smiling . Broadway gave a small chuckle and patted her on the shoulder . He turned to leave the hangar , guessing that this would all be over soon enough . The darkness was still all around them , growing into their skin with each breath . Brooklyn was not sure why Meryt was breathing , but guessed she always had , even though it was not necessary . A beep from a hidden intercom system drew both Brooklyn and Meryt 's attention away from their inner thoughts . " You 'll find out soon enough , Brooklyn . In the meantime , there are numerous ways for both of you to escape , all of which are open to you . As always , my friend , I mean you no harm . " The Timedancer stood , feeling his way over to the cell 's door . He found the intercom speaker to the right and dug his claws around the edges . It came out easily , the sparks from the electrical current providing Brooklyn with a few moments of precious sight . Sighing , he dug his hand into the console of wires , more sparks coming out . " You 're going to get electrocuted , " Meryt told him . He looked over at her , now being able to see his old lover . She was curled in the corner of the cell , still as beautiful as he always remembered her being . " I 'm fine , " he said . As if on cue , the door slid open , shedding more light into the room . " You coming ? " Brooklyn held his hand out . Meryt looked at him , her magically animated eyes adjusting to flush of light in the cell she had come to think of as home . She saw the gargoyle that she still loved standing in the light , his long white hair a mess from traveling . He looked so old , as if he had lived the same eight thousand years that she had . In many ways , she guessed that he had . The armor he wore , something she had not seen before , reflected the light directly on her face . Meryt smiled , remember all the times they had spent together , and how the first time she had met him had not been the first time for him . She wondered if the same could be said for the last time they would ever see each other . Broadway clutched her hand as they went to meet their children . The three of them had gone to the park , and their parents had agreed to meet them before the sun came up . Both of them had broken the news that they would be going to Avalon earlier that evening , and most of them had been sad to see them go . Years later , when they returned , Broadway would realize what they had done , and a certain part of him would never be able to forgive himself for going along with it . He looked up towards the entrance of the park , seeing his daughter running towards him with all her might . These past few years had been hard on her , but he knew that she saw Manhattan as her home . At the time , he never would have guessed how upset the move made her . " Daddy ! " Gwenyvere yelled , jumping up in to his arms . Broadway held on to her in a big bear hug , twirling her around . He set her back down on the ground gently . " Thanks for watching them , " he told Artus . He found himself realizing many times that his son was around the same age that he had been when the massacre happened , and how very different their lives had been . He knew that Artus had a right not to come with them . His son was within the legal age , in both gargoyle and human laws , to be considered an adult . Broadway knew that it would break Angela 's heart if he chose to stay behind . " We want you to know that you have a choice , son , " Broadway said . " You can come or stay here . That 's your right . " Artus nodded , looking at the ground in thought . " They 're part of my family too . If you think this is good for us , then I 'll go along . " I just don 't want you to come back and find me gone , the clan 's future leader thought . He knew better than to say it out loud . Angela sighed , seeing the argument as nothing more than her childish notion of getting her way . She never really knew that this was where it had all started . Perhaps if she had listened , even a small amount , their lives might have turned out differently . " That 's not how it is , anymore . Clans are more individualized than we used to be , " Angela told her . " Why , your father didn 't even have a name until he was Artus ' age . " Gwenyvere sighed , much the way her mother just had . " There are people here who need our help . That 's what we do . " Broadway looked at her daughter , knowing that their conversation was over . She had said what he had been thinking but had been too afraid to say . " I am not going to sit here and listen to this . You are not in a position to argue about this , Gwenyvere . We 're leaving in a few days . " Angela turned in a huff , towards the direction of home . Broadway and Artus exchanged a glance , the elder gargoyle nodding as if to say , " Go on . It 'll be okay . " His son followed his mother , taking his brother from his father 's arms . Broadway put his large hand on Gwenyvere 's back , kneeling down to get in her line of sight . Broadway nodded , pulling her into a hug . " It 's going to be okay , sweetie . We 'll be there for each other , okay ? " " I guess we 'll have to be , " Gwenyvere said . It was the real last moment of her childhood , but not quite the first moment of her adult life . In the years to come when she reflected back on this moment , of how her father held her in his huge arms and almost cried with her , she realized that this was why she always loved him . She realized that she could feel no different about him , because he was always there for her , even when she was not there for herself . " Mother , " Artus said , placing his hand gently on Angela 's arm . She stirred , opening her eyes to see the roof of the transport pod . She looked around , memories coming back to her . She had fallen asleep again , and of course the dreams had continued . " We 're here , " Alex told her . She looked at the human , seeing so many qualities of his father in the man 's face . Angela was always grateful that he had not known the man his father used to be , the man Angela would have to hate because both her mother and father always hated him . Alex turned to a computer screen , punching in a few directions . The screen brought up a map that Sata instantly recognized as Harthoth 's facility . She knew that to the world it was Black Circle Industries , one of the major manufacturers of satellites , military weapons , and hundreds of other commodities . " This is where the call came from , " Alex said . " We 're not really sure why Brooklyn would be here , but it 's owned by James Harthesen . The facility is structured much like the Eyrie Pyramid , in that it houses all of its workers , including Harthesen and his wife . It 's easily penetrable . " Alex 's mind shot back to the time almost fifteen years ago , when he had been saved by that mysterious gargoyle who had made him promise a favor in exchange for his own life . Alex had not thought about that event since it happened , and had no idea why it was coming into his mind now . The human pushed the thought to the back of his mind , continuing the briefing . " Artus and I will be the first wave . We 'll open a way for the rest of you to get inside and get Brooklyn . Once you have him , come back to the transport and head back home . " Artus stood , seeing the worried look in his mother 's eyes . " Do not worry about us if we 're not here when you get back . Alex has a base here that can get us home . The main priority right now is Brooklyn . Understood ? " The inside of the room was dark , though not near as dark as their cell . Brooklyn stepped inside , immediately recognizing it as a rookery from the smell alone . The harsh smell of dampness and moss taking him back to his days as a youth . " Why would he have an egg ? " Meryt said , pointing towards the corner of the room . Brooklyn walked towards it , seeing the large spotted egg under a dim light . The spots around it told him it was maybe five years away from hatching . Both turned , Meryt not recognizing the figure that had come into the room . Brooklyn , of course , knew who it was immediately . It was a face he always thought of , one that had been burned into his memory as that of beauty and family . In a million years , he would never have put these pieces together , but in that moment , everything made sense . He knew where she had gone , and he knew that she was safe . Even when it made sense , though , Brooklyn was still confused . |
WARNING : This site contains sexually explicit , adult material and is for adults only ( 18 years old & above ) ! If the above statements are not true and correct , you must exit now . Translate This Page A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such , when they passed a small sandal shop . From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say , " You foreigners Come in . Come into my humbleshop . " So the married couple walked in . The Pakistani man said to them , " I have some special sandals 1 think you 'd be interested in . They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel . " Well , the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed , but her husband felt he really didn 't need them , being the sex hero he was . The husband asked the man , " how could sandals make you into a sex freak ? " The Pakistani man replied , " Why don 't you try them on and see for yourself ? " Well , the husband , after much badgering from his wife , finally conceded to try them on . As soon as he slipped them onto his feet , he got this wild look in his eyes ; something his wife hadn 't seen in many years - - raw sexual power . In a blink of an eye , the husband rushed the Pakistani man , threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy 's pants . All the time the Pakistani man was screaming , " YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET " One day , this man , Tony , died . When he was sent to be judged , he was told that he had committed a sin , and that he could not go to heaven right away . He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes , and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound , stupid , butt - ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it . Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven . So off he went with this enormous woman , pretending to be happy . As he was walking along , he saw his friend Carlos up ahead . Carlos was with an even bigger , uglier woman than he was with . When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on , and Carlos replied , " I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money . . . even more then you did . " They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women , they might as well hang out together to helppass the time . Now Tony , Carlos , and their two beastly women were walking along , minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead , only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold . Stunned , Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon . They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess , while they were stuck with these god - awful women . Jon replied , " I have no idea , and I 'm definitely not complaining . This has been absolutely the best time of my life ( and I 'm dead , ) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to . There is only one thing that I can 't seem to understand . After everytime we have sex , she rolls over and murmur 's to herself , " Damn income taxes ! " There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area . She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs . She explained that she couldn 't have crabs because she was a virgin , but the doctor didn 't believe her , so she went to get a second opinion . The second doctor gave her the same answer . So she went to a third doctor and said " Please help me . This itch is killing me and I know that I don 't have crabs because I 'm a virgin " . The doctor checks her out and says " I have good news and bad news . The good news is you don 't have crabs , the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies . " Two elderly men were talking about Viagra . One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for . " It 's the greatest invention ever , " he said . " It makes you feel like a man of 30 . " " Can you get it over the counter ? " " Probably - if you took two . " Did you hear about the side - effects of the Viagra pill for men ? If you swallow it slowly , you 'll get a stiff neck . What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac ? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn 't really care where . Why is Viagra like Disneyworld ? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride . A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex . The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work . An hour before she was due home , he took the Viagra pill . But just as he was expecting her , she phoned to say that she wouldn 't be in for another two and a half hours . In a panic , he phoned the doctor . " What should I do ? " he asked . " I 've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home . " " I see , " said the doctor . " It is a pity to waste it . Do you have a maid ? " " Yes . " " Well , could you not occupy yourself with her instead ? " " But I don 't need Viagra with the maid . " Once there was a sperm named Bob . When all the other sperm were just swimming around , Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day , " Why don 't you just swim around like us ? " Bob replied , with a smirk , " well , when the time comes , I 'm gonna be the first one there " . The others told him it was just destiny , but he said it wasn 't . So , the day finally came when they were called upon . They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest . Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back . The others asked him why he turned around and he said , " back up boys it 's a BLOW JOB ! " Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida , attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers . " Hello , sir , " she said , " Do you like movies ? " " Yes , I do , " he responded , then returned to his book . Goldie persisted . " Do you like gardening ? " The man again looked up from his book . " Yes , I do , " he said politely before returning to his reading . Undaunted , Goldie asked . " Do you like pussycats ? " With that , the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie , ravaging her as she 'd never been ravaged before . As the cloud of sand began to settle , Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted , " How did you know that was what I wanted ? " The man thought for a moment and replied , " How did you know my name was Katz ? " A kid comes home from school and says to his mom , " Mom I 've got a problem . " She says " Tell me . " He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn 't understand . She asks him what they are . He says " well , pussy and bitch " . She says " Oh That 's no big deal , pussy is a cat like our little Mittens , and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy . " He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement . He says to his dad , " Dad the boys at school are using words I don 't know , and I asked mom and I don 't think she told me the exact meaning . Dad says " Son , I told you never to go to mom with these matters , she cant handle them . What are the words ? " He tells him . . . pussy and bitch . Dad says " OK " and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf , takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says , " son , everything inside this circle , is pussy . " " OK dad , so what 's a bitch ? " " Son " he says , " everything outside that circle . " ' Get in there you big furry oaf , I don 't care what you smell ! ' ' Luke , at that speed do you think you 'll be able to pull out in time ? ' ' Put that thing away before you get us all killed . ' ' You 've got something jammed in here real good . ' ' Aren 't you a little short for a storm - trooper ? ' ' You came in that thing ? You 're braver than I thought . ' ' Sorry about the mess . . . ' ' Look at the size of that thing ! ' ' Curse my metal body , I wasn 't fast enough ! ' ' She may not look like much , but she 's got it where it counts , kid . ' ' I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me . ' ' Size matters not . Judge me by my size , do you ? ' ' There 's an awful lot of moisture in here . ' ' But now we must eat . Come , good food , come . . . ' ' That 's okay , I 'd like to keep it on manual control for a while . ' ' Hurry up , golden - rod . . . ' ' I must 've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that , huh kid ? ' ' Possible he came in through the south entrance . ' ' And I thought they smelled bad on the outside ! ' ' Control , control ! You must learn control ! ' ' Hey , point that thing someplace else . ' ' I look forward to completing your training . In time you will call me master . ' ' I never knew I had it in me . ' ' There is good in him , I 've felt it . ' ' Hey , Luke , thanks for coming after me - - now I owe you one . ' ' Back door , huh ? Good idea ! ' ' She 's gonna blow ! ' ' I think you 'll fit in nicely . ' ' Rise , my friend . ' ' Wedge ! Pull out ! You 're not doing any good back there ! ' My dick is so big , its a tight fit when I 'm bangin ' your loose momma ! My dick is so big , there 's still snow on it in the summertime . My dick is so big , I went to The Viper Room andMy dick got right in . I had to stand and argue with the doorman . My dick is so big , I have to call it Mr . Dick in front of company . My dick is so big , it won 't return Spielberg 's calls . My dick is so big , it graduated a year ahead of me from high school . My dick has an elevator and a lobby . My dick has better credit than I do . My dick is so big , clowns climb out of it when I cum . My dick is so big , it was overthrown by a military coup . It 's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick . My dick is so big , it has casters . My dick is so big , I 'm already fucking a girl tomorrow . My dick is so big , ships use it to find their way into the harbor . My dick is so big , there was once a movie called Godzilla vs . My Dick . My dick is so big , it lives next door . My dick is so big , I entered it in a big - dick contest and it came in first , second , and third . My dick is so big , it votes . My dick is a better dresser than I am . My dick is so big , it has a three - picture deal . My dick is so big that the head of it has only seenMy balls in pictures . My dick is so big , Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750thhome run . My dick is the Walrus , koo koo ga joob . No matter where I go , My dick always gets there first . My dick takes longer lunches than I do . My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee . My dick was once the ambassador to China . A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin . Somebody asked her how that could be possible . " Well , " she said . " The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage . " " The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day . " " The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be . " A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar : FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST ! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is . Bartender : " Well , FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila , the WHOLE thing at once AND , you can 't make a face while doing it . SECOND , there 's a ' gator out back with a sore tooth . . . you have to remove it with your bare hands . THIRD , there 's a woman up - stairs who 's ever had an orgasm . You gotta make things right for her . Man : Well , as much as I would love free beer , I won 't do it . You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there . Well , as time goes on and the man drinks a few , he asks , " Wherez zat teeqeelah ? " He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands , and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face . Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping , then silence . The man staggers back into the bar , his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body . " Now " he says " Where 's that woman with the sore tooth ? " A bloke goes to the doctor and says , " I got this sex problem , doc " . " Well " , says the quack , " Tell me about your average day " . " Well , it all starts in the middle of the night . My wife always wakes me up about 3 : 00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o ' clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work " . " Oh I see " , said the doc . " No , hang on " , said the man , " . . . you see , when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there " . " Oh . . . . now I see " , said the quack . " No you don 't " , said our hero . " When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom " . " Oh . . . . now I see " , said the quack . " No no no " , he said . " When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I 'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie " . " Now I understand " , said the patient doctor . " No , hang on " , said the bloke . " When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss , a very demanding lady I might add , has to have me or she says she 'll give me the sack " . Ahh . . . . " , said the doctor , " now I see . . " . " No , there 's more " , said our man , " when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards " . " What 's your problem ? " . asked the doc . " Well . . . " , said our hero , " it hurts when I masturbate " A young couple was out carousing one evening . While driving down the highway , the guy says to the girl , " If I go 100 miles and hour , will you take off all your clothes ? " She agrees and he begins to speed up . When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip . When she gets all her clothes off , he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over . The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car . " Go get help , " he pleads . She replies , " I can 't , I 'm naked . " He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says , " Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road . " She takes the shoe , covers herself between the legs , and runs to the gas station down the road . When she arrives , she is frantic and yells to the attendant , " Help ! Help ! My boyfriend 's stuck ! " The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment , " I think it 's too late - he 's too far in ! " A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist , " Listen , I have three girls coming over tonight . I 've never had three girls at once , and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep me potent . " The pharmacist reaches under the counter , unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label " Viagra Extra Strength " and said , " Here , if you eat this , you 'll go nuts for twelve hours . " The guy says , " Gimme three boxes . " The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy , goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants . The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man 's penis is black and blue , and the skin is hanging off in some places . The man says , " Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay . " The pharmacist replies , " Ben Gay ? You 're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you ? " The man says , " No , it 's for my arms - the girls didn 't show up . " A little guy goes into an elevator , looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him . The big guy sees the little guy staring at him , looks down and says , " 7 feet tall , 350 pounds , 15 inch penis , 2 lb . left testicle , 2 lb . right testicle , Turner Brown . " The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor . This big dude kneels down and brings him to , slapping his face and shaking him , " What 's wrong with you ? " In a very weak voice , the little guy says , " Excuse me , but what EXACTLY did you say to me ? " The big dude says , " I saw the curious look on your face and figured I 'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me . I 'm 7 feet tall , 350 pounds , 15 inch penis , 2 lb . left testicle , 2 lb . right testicle , and my name is Turner Brown . " The small guy says , " Thank God ! I thought you said Turn Around ! " An Italian woman married an Italian man . The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until they 're married and then sleep at the girl 's mother 's house on their wedding night . After the wedding , the newlyweds went back to her mother 's house . The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom . She said , " I don 't want to go up there . " Her mom said , " He 's a good man . Go upstairs and he 'll treat you well . " When she got upstairs , the man took off his shirt . She ran back downstairs and said , " Mamma ! Mamma ! He has a hairy chest ! " Her mom said , " All good men have hairy chests . Go upstairs and he will treat you well . " When she got upstairs , he took off his pants . She ran back downstairs and said , " Mamma ! Mamma ! He has hairy legs ! " Her mom said , " All good men have hairy legs . Go upstairs and he will treat you well . " When she got upstairs he took off his socks . She noticed that half his foot was missing . She ran downstairs and said , " Mamma ! Mamma ! He has a foot and a half ! " Her mom said , " Stay here ! This is job for Mamma ! " Everybody who has a dog calls him " Rover " or " Boy " . I call mine " Sex . " He is a great pal , but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment . When I went to city hall to renew his dog license , I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex . He said , " I 'd like one , too ! " Then , I said " But this is a dog . " He said he didn 't care what she looked like . Then , I said , " You don 't understand . I 've had Sex since I was 9 years old . " He winked and said , " You must have been quite a kid . " When I got married and went on my honeymoon , I took the dog with me . I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex . He said , " You don 't need a special room . As long as you pay your bill , we don 't care what you do . " I said , " Look , you don 't seem to understand . Sex keeps me awake at night . " The clerk said , " Funny - I have the same problem . " One day , I entered Sex in a contest , but before the competition began , the dog ran away . Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there , looking disappointed . I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest . He told me I should have sold my own tickets . " But you don 't understand , " I said . " I had hoped to have Sex on TV . " He said , " Now that cable is all over the place , it 's no big deal any more . " Last night , Sex ran off again . I spent hours looking around town for him . A cop came over to me and asked , " What are you doing in this alley at 4 o ' clock in the morning ? " I told him I was looking for Sex . My case comes up Friday . Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven . At the gates , the guy tells Ford , " Well , you 've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world . As a reward , you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven . " So Henry Ford thinks about it and says , " I want to hang out with Adam , the first man . " So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford . When Ford gets to Adam , Ford asks , " Hey aren 't you the inventor of woman ? " Adam says , " Yes . " " Well , " says Ford , " You have some major design flaws in your invention : 1 ) There is too much front end protrusion2 ) It chatters at high speeds3 ) The rear end wobbles too much4 ) and the intake is too close to theexhaust . " " Hmmmmm . . " says Adam , " Hold on . " So Adam goes to the celestial computer , types in a few keystrokes , and waits for the results . The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it . He then says to Ford , " It may be that my invention is flawed , but according to the stellar computer , more men are riding my invention than yours . " A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year . A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife , so he wrote her a letter . " My love , " he wrote , " we are going to be apart for a very long time . Already I 'm starting to miss you and there 's really not much to do here in the evenings . Besides that we 're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls . Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted ? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying , " Why don 't you learn to play this ? " Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife . " Darling " he said , " I can 't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love ! " She kissed him and said , " First let 's see you play that harmonica . " A young , fat , streetsmart , brunette married a skinny rich Texas oil tycoon . Two months later he asked her to bend over so he could inspect her land line . Needless to say , she was very cautious and apprehensive about flipping over and being inspected , but she did it anyways . " Looks like a winner ! " The Texas tycoon said . The Woman quickly turned around and replied , " Your not using that tiny piledriver . Are you ? " Storming into his lawyer 's office , the Texas oil tycoon demanded that some divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride . " What 's the problem ? " " I want to hit that adulterin ' bitch for breach of contract , " snapped the oil man . " I don 't know if that will fly , " said the lawyer . " I mean your wife isn 't a piece of property ; you don 't own her ! " " Damn right , " the tycoon rejoined , " but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin ' rights ! A guy goes in a bar and orders for a beer . After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in andsits beside him . He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her , " Hi . Would you like me to buy you a drink ? " The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs : " WHAT ? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME ? NO WAY ! " Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving . The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened . After a while the same woman walks in , approaches him and tells him , " I 'm sorry about that little incident but you see I 'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations . " The guy then yells : " WHAT ? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB ? " There was a 12 year old boy named David . He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman . There was one woman who had herpes . But , she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen . Most of the town has herpes because they had fucked her . Well , one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house . When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes . Looking astonished the woman agrees . An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave . He is still carrying his frog . The woman , curious , asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog . The little boy responded and said , " Well if you must know , when my mom and dad go out tonight they 're going to leave me at home with the babysitter , who is very fond of little boys . When my mom and dad get home , dad will drive the babysitter home and he 'll have a quickie with her , then he 'll come back home and screw my mom , then in the morning when my dad goes to work , my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman . And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over my fucking frog ! " The doctor asked the middle - aged farmhand as he set the man 's broken leg . " Well , doc , 25 years ago . . . " " Never mind the past . Tell me how you broke your leg this morning . " " Like I was saying . . . 25 years ago , when I first started working on the farm , that night , right after I 'd gone to bed , the farmer 's beautiful daughter came into my room . She asked me if there was anything I wanted . I told her , " No , everything is fine . " " Are you sure ? " she asked . " I 'm sure , " I said . " Isn 't there anything I can do for you ? " she wanted to know . " I reckon not , " I replied . " Excuse me , " said the doctor , " What does this story have to do with your leg ? " " Well , this morning , " the farmhand explained , " when it dawned on me what she meant , I fell off the roof ! " An American is in a restaurant in Paris . He asks the three Frenchmen at the table next to him , " Excuse me , all my life I 've heard about Savoir Fare . Can you tell me what that is ? " 1st Frenchman says , " Ah , you 're having sex with another man 's wife and he walks in on you and says , " Please , continue . " That 's Savoir Fare . 2nd Frenchman says , " No , no . You 're having sex with another man 's wife and he walks in on you and says , " Please , continue . May I pour you a drink ? " That 's Savoir Fare ! The 3rd Frenchman says , " No , no . You 're having sex with another man 's wife and he walks in on you and says , " Please , continue . " If you CAN CONTINUE , that 's Savoir Fare ! News Flash ! A 10 year old girl sets the wide world record of bobbing for apples . She bit into 669 apples . Unfortunately the juice from the worms made her sick in the stomach . And now to more serious news …… Lorena Bobbit 's sister was arrested , yesterday , for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago . The sister was not as accurate as Lorena . She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage . She has been charged with a ' misdeweiner ' . Tiger Woods drives his Buick into a Petrol Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland . The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner , unaware as to who the golf pro is , " Top o the morning to you young fella ! " As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground . " What are dey , son ? " asks the attendant . " They 're called tees " replies Tiger Woods . " And what would dey be for then ? " enquires the Irishman . " They 're for resting my balls on while I 'm driving " says Tiger Woods . " Jaysus " , says the Irish man , " Dem boys at Buick just tink of everyting ! " A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost . It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees . One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods . It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn 't see any other buildings in the area . However , he saw smoke coming out of the chimney . He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered . The old man squinted his eyes and asked , " What do you want ? " The man said , " I 've been lost for the past three weeks and haven 't had a decent meal or sleep since that time . I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight . " The old Chinese man said , I 'll let you come in on one condition . You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter . " The man , exhausted and hungry , readily agreed . " I promise I won 't cause you any trouble . I 'll be on my way tomorrow morning . " The old Chinese man replied , " Okay , but if I do catch you then I 'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man . " " Okay , Okay , " the man said as he entered the old house . That night , when the man came down to eat ( after showering ) , he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was . She was an absolute pearl , and while he had only been lost three weeks , he had gone many , many months without sex . The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather . They couldn 't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal . That night , the man snuck into the girl 's bedroom and they had quite a time . The man crept back to his room later that night , thinking to himself , " Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience . " The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest . He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest . On the rock was a sign that said . " First Chinese torture test : 100 - pound rock on your chest . " " What a lame torture test , " the man thought to himself as he got up and waPrivates Toby and Chris have been promoted from privates to sergeants . Not long after , they 're out for a walk and Toby says , " Hey , Chris , there 's the Officer 's Club . Let 's you and me stop in . " " But we 're privates , " protests Chris . " We 're sergeants now , " says Toby , pulling him inside . " Now , Chris , I 'm gonna sit down and have me a drink . " " But we 're privates , " says Chris . " You blind ? " asks Toby , pointing at his stripes . " We 're sergeants now . " So they have their drink , and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Toby . " Your cute , " she says , " and I 'd like to screw you , but I 've got a bad case of gonorrhea . " Toby pulls his friend to the side and whispers , " Chris , go look in the dictionary and see what ' gonorrhea ' means . If it 's okay , give me the okay sign . " So Chris goes to look it up , comes back , and gives Toby the big okay sign . Three weeks later Toby is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea . " Chris , " he says , " Why 'd you give me the okay ? " " Well , Toby , in the dictionary , it say gonorrhea affects only the privates . " He points to his stripes . " But we 're sergeants now . " When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle , she was attracted to him , and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex . Tarzan not know sex , " he replied . Jane explained to him what sex was . Tarzan said , " Oh , . . . Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree . " Horrified , she said , " Tarzan you have it all wrong , . . . but I will show you how to do it properly . " She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground . " Here " she said , . . . " you must put it in here . " Tarzan removed his loincloth , stepped closer with his huge erection , and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch . Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity . Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed , " What did you do that for ? " " Tarzan check for bees ! " An old man walked into a crowded doctor 's office . As he approached the desk , the receptionist asked , " Yes sir , may we help you ? " " There 's something wrong with my penis , " he replied . The receptionist became irritated and said , " You shouldn 't come into a crowded office and say things like that . " " Why not ? You asked me what was wrong and I told you , " he said . " Because " replies the receptionist . " You 've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers . You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private . " The man walked out , waited several minutes and reentered . The receptionist smiled smugly andasked " Yes ? " " There 's something wrong with my ear " he stated . The receptionist nodded approvingly . " And what is wrong with your ear sir ? " " I can 't piss out of it , " the man replied ! ! ! One gay guy decides to have a tattoo done . On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Frank Bruno . " Oh he 's my favorite darling . . . . can you do him on the cheek of my ass ? ? " he asked the tattoo artist . So it was done . On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson . " Oh good lord " the gay guy blurted out . " I just adore big Mike , can you do him on my other cheek please , lovey ? " So it was done . On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers , give us a look . " He dropped his pants to reveal his new art work ; on which the boyfriend returned in fright , " Oh I 'm not getting in the ring with those two ! " Grandma , " Where 's Mom and dad ? " and she replied , " they 're up in bed . " The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play . Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma " where 's Mom and Dad ? " and she replied " they 're still up in bed . " Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play . Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma " where 's Mom and dad ? " and his grandmother replied " they 're still up in bed . " The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked , " what gives ? Every time I tell you they 're still up in bed you start to laugh ! what is going on here ? " The little boy replied , " well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue . " On a flight to Chicago , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men 's restroom , but it had always been occupied . The flight attendant noticed his predicament . " Sir , she said , " You may us the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall . " He did what he needed to , and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not totouch . Each button was identified by letters : WW , WA , PP and a red one labeled ATR . Who would know if he touched them ? He couldn 't resist . He pushed WW . Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom . What a nice feeling , he thought . Men 's restrooms don 't have nice things like this . Anticipating greater pleasure , he pushed the WA button . Warm air replaced the warm water , gently drying his underside . When this stopped , he pushed the PP button . A large powder puffcaressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure . The ladies restroom was more than a restroom , it is tender loving pleasure . When the powder puff completed it 's pleasure , he couldn 't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy . Next thing He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes . A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face . " What happened ? ! " he exclaimed . " You pushed one too many buttons , " replied the nurse . " The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover . Your penis is under your pillow . " Three Labrador retrievers , chocolate , yellow , and black , are sitting in the waiting room at the vet 's office when they strike up a conversation . The black lab turns to the chocolate and says , " So why are you here ? " The chocolate lab replies , " I 'm a pisser . I piss on everything - the sofa , the drapes , the cat , the kids . But the final straw was last night , when I pissed in the middle of my owner 's bed . " The black lab says , " So what is the vet going to do ? " " Gonna give me Prozac , " came the reply from the chocolate lab . " All the vets are prescribing it . It works for everything . " The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks , " Why are you here ? " The yellow lab says , " I 'm a digger . I dig under fences , dig up flowers and trees , I dig just for the hell of it . When I 'm inside , I dig up the carpets . But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner 's couch . " " So what are they going to do to you ? " the black lab inquired . " Looks like Prozac for me too , " the dejected yellow lab said . Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he 's at the vet 's office for . I 'm a humper , " the black lab says . " I 'll hump anything . I 'll hump the cat , a pillow , the table , firehydrants , whatever . I want to hump everything I see . Yesterday , my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes , and I just couldn 't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away . " The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say , " So , Prozac for you too , huh ? " The black lab says , " No , I 'm here to get my nails clipped . " A 70 year old man went to his doctor 's office to get a sperm count . The doctor gave the man a jar and said , " Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow . " The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor 's office and gives him the jar , which is as clean and empty as on - - the previous day . The doctor asked what happened and the man explains : " Well , doc , it 's like this : First I tried with my right hand , but , nothing . Then I tried with - my left hand , but still nothing . Then I asked my wife for help . She - tried with her right hand , with nothing . Then her left , but nothing . She - even tried with her mouth , first with the teeth in , then with the teeth - out , and still nothing . We even called up the lady next door and - she tried with both hands and her mouth too , but nothing . " The doctor was shocked ! " You asked your neighbor ? " the old man replied , " yep , but no matter what we tried we couldn 't get the DARN jar open ! " A farmer buys several pigs , hoping to breed them for ham , bacon , etc . . . . After several weeks , he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant , and calls a vet for help . The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination . The farmer doesn 't have the slightest idea what this means but , not wanting to display his ignorance , only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant . The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will , instead , lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant . The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought . He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs . So , he loads the pigs into his truck , drives them out into the woods , has sex with them all , brings them back and goes to bed . Next morning , he wakes and looks out at the pigs . Seeing that they are all still standing around , he concludes that the first try didn 't take , and loads them in the truck again . He drives them out to the woods , bangs each pig twice for good measure , brings them back and goes to bed . Next morning , he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around . One more try , he tells himself , and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods . He spends all day shagging the pigs and , upon returning home , falls listlessly into bed . The next morning , he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs . He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud . " No , " she says , " they 're all in the truck and one of them 's honking the horn . A dirty blind man visits his doctor for a routine check - up and everything seems fine . The doctor asks him about his sex life . " Well . . . " the man drawled , " not bad at all to be honest . The wife ain 't all that interested anymore , so I just cruise around . In the past week I was able to pick - up and bed at least three girls , none of whom were over thirty years old . " " My goodness Frank , and at your age too . " the doctor said . " I hope you took at least some precautions . " " Yep . I may be blind , but I ain 't senile yet doc . I gave ' em all a phony name . " 1 . Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea . 2 . There is no need for dice in role playing . 3 . Intercourse doesn 't happen on a highway . 4 . If you engage in oral sex first , it 's not called a head start . 5 . If she says she 's into " bondage , " don 't show her your financial portfolio . 6 . You can lie down during a one - night stand . 7 . When a woman talks about waiting for the " right time , " she 's not referring to a commercial break . 8 . Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking . 9 . Making out doesn 't mean getting your money 's worth . 10 . Sex is like " The Club " - Accept no substitutes . A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five - story hotel with a sign that read , " For Women Only . " Since they were without their boyfriends , they decided to go in . The Bouncer , a very attractive guy , explains to them how it works . " We have 5 floors . . . go up floor by floor , and once you find what you are looking for , you can stay there . It 's easy to decide , since each floor has signs telling you what 's inside . " So they start going up , and on the first floor the sign reads , " All the men here are horrible lovers , but they are sensitive and kind " . . . the friends laugh and , without hesitation , move on to the next floor . The sign on the second floor reads , " All the men here are wonderful lovers , but they generally treat women badly . " This wasn 't going to do , so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read , " All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women . " This was good , but there were still two more floors . On the fourth floor , the sign was perfect : " All the men here have perfect builds ; are sensitive and attentive to women ; are perfect lovers ; they are also single , rich and straight . " The women seemed pleased , but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth . When they reach the fifth floor , there is a sign that reads : " There are no men here . This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman . " A man had sex with his wife adamantly until they had six children and was very proud of there achievement . He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife " Mother of Six " in spite of her objections . One night they go to a fancy party . The man decides that it 's time to go home , and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well . He shouts at the top of his voice , " Shall we go home Mother of six ? " His wife , irritated by her husband 's lack of discretion shouts back : " Anytime you 're ready , Father of Four ! " Wishing you a seductive and horny day , licked by love and penetrated with heavenly graces . May all your problems be ejaculated before the climax of the day . Have a sexy day ! |
WARNING : This site contains sexually explicit , adult material and is for adults only ( 18 years old & above ) ! If the above statements are not true and correct , you must exit now . Translate This Page A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such , when they passed a small sandal shop . From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say , " You foreigners Come in . Come into my humbleshop . " So the married couple walked in . The Pakistani man said to them , " I have some special sandals 1 think you 'd be interested in . They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel . " Well , the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed , but her husband felt he really didn 't need them , being the sex hero he was . The husband asked the man , " how could sandals make you into a sex freak ? " The Pakistani man replied , " Why don 't you try them on and see for yourself ? " Well , the husband , after much badgering from his wife , finally conceded to try them on . As soon as he slipped them onto his feet , he got this wild look in his eyes ; something his wife hadn 't seen in many years - - raw sexual power . In a blink of an eye , the husband rushed the Pakistani man , threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy 's pants . All the time the Pakistani man was screaming , " YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET " One day , this man , Tony , died . When he was sent to be judged , he was told that he had committed a sin , and that he could not go to heaven right away . He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes , and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound , stupid , butt - ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it . Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven . So off he went with this enormous woman , pretending to be happy . As he was walking along , he saw his friend Carlos up ahead . Carlos was with an even bigger , uglier woman than he was with . When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on , and Carlos replied , " I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money . . . even more then you did . " They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women , they might as well hang out together to helppass the time . Now Tony , Carlos , and their two beastly women were walking along , minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead , only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold . Stunned , Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon . They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess , while they were stuck with these god - awful women . Jon replied , " I have no idea , and I 'm definitely not complaining . This has been absolutely the best time of my life ( and I 'm dead , ) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to . There is only one thing that I can 't seem to understand . After everytime we have sex , she rolls over and murmur 's to herself , " Damn income taxes ! " There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area . She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs . She explained that she couldn 't have crabs because she was a virgin , but the doctor didn 't believe her , so she went to get a second opinion . The second doctor gave her the same answer . So she went to a third doctor and said " Please help me . This itch is killing me and I know that I don 't have crabs because I 'm a virgin " . The doctor checks her out and says " I have good news and bad news . The good news is you don 't have crabs , the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies . " Two elderly men were talking about Viagra . One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for . " It 's the greatest invention ever , " he said . " It makes you feel like a man of 30 . " " Can you get it over the counter ? " " Probably - if you took two . " Did you hear about the side - effects of the Viagra pill for men ? If you swallow it slowly , you 'll get a stiff neck . What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac ? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn 't really care where . Why is Viagra like Disneyworld ? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride . A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex . The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work . An hour before she was due home , he took the Viagra pill . But just as he was expecting her , she phoned to say that she wouldn 't be in for another two and a half hours . In a panic , he phoned the doctor . " What should I do ? " he asked . " I 've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home . " " I see , " said the doctor . " It is a pity to waste it . Do you have a maid ? " " Yes . " " Well , could you not occupy yourself with her instead ? " " But I don 't need Viagra with the maid . " Once there was a sperm named Bob . When all the other sperm were just swimming around , Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day , " Why don 't you just swim around like us ? " Bob replied , with a smirk , " well , when the time comes , I 'm gonna be the first one there " . The others told him it was just destiny , but he said it wasn 't . So , the day finally came when they were called upon . They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest . Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back . The others asked him why he turned around and he said , " back up boys it 's a BLOW JOB ! " Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida , attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers . " Hello , sir , " she said , " Do you like movies ? " " Yes , I do , " he responded , then returned to his book . Goldie persisted . " Do you like gardening ? " The man again looked up from his book . " Yes , I do , " he said politely before returning to his reading . Undaunted , Goldie asked . " Do you like pussycats ? " With that , the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie , ravaging her as she 'd never been ravaged before . As the cloud of sand began to settle , Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted , " How did you know that was what I wanted ? " The man thought for a moment and replied , " How did you know my name was Katz ? " A kid comes home from school and says to his mom , " Mom I 've got a problem . " She says " Tell me . " He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn 't understand . She asks him what they are . He says " well , pussy and bitch " . She says " Oh That 's no big deal , pussy is a cat like our little Mittens , and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy . " He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement . He says to his dad , " Dad the boys at school are using words I don 't know , and I asked mom and I don 't think she told me the exact meaning . Dad says " Son , I told you never to go to mom with these matters , she cant handle them . What are the words ? " He tells him . . . pussy and bitch . Dad says " OK " and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf , takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says , " son , everything inside this circle , is pussy . " " OK dad , so what 's a bitch ? " " Son " he says , " everything outside that circle . " ' Get in there you big furry oaf , I don 't care what you smell ! ' ' Luke , at that speed do you think you 'll be able to pull out in time ? ' ' Put that thing away before you get us all killed . ' ' You 've got something jammed in here real good . ' ' Aren 't you a little short for a storm - trooper ? ' ' You came in that thing ? You 're braver than I thought . ' ' Sorry about the mess . . . ' ' Look at the size of that thing ! ' ' Curse my metal body , I wasn 't fast enough ! ' ' She may not look like much , but she 's got it where it counts , kid . ' ' I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me . ' ' Size matters not . Judge me by my size , do you ? ' ' There 's an awful lot of moisture in here . ' ' But now we must eat . Come , good food , come . . . ' ' That 's okay , I 'd like to keep it on manual control for a while . ' ' Hurry up , golden - rod . . . ' ' I must 've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that , huh kid ? ' ' Possible he came in through the south entrance . ' ' And I thought they smelled bad on the outside ! ' ' Control , control ! You must learn control ! ' ' Hey , point that thing someplace else . ' ' I look forward to completing your training . In time you will call me master . ' ' I never knew I had it in me . ' ' There is good in him , I 've felt it . ' ' Hey , Luke , thanks for coming after me - - now I owe you one . ' ' Back door , huh ? Good idea ! ' ' She 's gonna blow ! ' ' I think you 'll fit in nicely . ' ' Rise , my friend . ' ' Wedge ! Pull out ! You 're not doing any good back there ! ' My dick is so big , its a tight fit when I 'm bangin ' your loose momma ! My dick is so big , there 's still snow on it in the summertime . My dick is so big , I went to The Viper Room andMy dick got right in . I had to stand and argue with the doorman . My dick is so big , I have to call it Mr . Dick in front of company . My dick is so big , it won 't return Spielberg 's calls . My dick is so big , it graduated a year ahead of me from high school . My dick has an elevator and a lobby . My dick has better credit than I do . My dick is so big , clowns climb out of it when I cum . My dick is so big , it was overthrown by a military coup . It 's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick . My dick is so big , it has casters . My dick is so big , I 'm already fucking a girl tomorrow . My dick is so big , ships use it to find their way into the harbor . My dick is so big , there was once a movie called Godzilla vs . My Dick . My dick is so big , it lives next door . My dick is so big , I entered it in a big - dick contest and it came in first , second , and third . My dick is so big , it votes . My dick is a better dresser than I am . My dick is so big , it has a three - picture deal . My dick is so big that the head of it has only seenMy balls in pictures . My dick is so big , Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750thhome run . My dick is the Walrus , koo koo ga joob . No matter where I go , My dick always gets there first . My dick takes longer lunches than I do . My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee . My dick was once the ambassador to China . A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin . Somebody asked her how that could be possible . " Well , " she said . " The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage . " " The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day . " " The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be . " A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar : FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST ! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is . Bartender : " Well , FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila , the WHOLE thing at once AND , you can 't make a face while doing it . SECOND , there 's a ' gator out back with a sore tooth . . . you have to remove it with your bare hands . THIRD , there 's a woman up - stairs who 's ever had an orgasm . You gotta make things right for her . Man : Well , as much as I would love free beer , I won 't do it . You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there . Well , as time goes on and the man drinks a few , he asks , " Wherez zat teeqeelah ? " He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands , and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face . Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping , then silence . The man staggers back into the bar , his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body . " Now " he says " Where 's that woman with the sore tooth ? " A bloke goes to the doctor and says , " I got this sex problem , doc " . " Well " , says the quack , " Tell me about your average day " . " Well , it all starts in the middle of the night . My wife always wakes me up about 3 : 00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o ' clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work " . " Oh I see " , said the doc . " No , hang on " , said the man , " . . . you see , when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there " . " Oh . . . . now I see " , said the quack . " No you don 't " , said our hero . " When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom " . " Oh . . . . now I see " , said the quack . " No no no " , he said . " When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I 'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie " . " Now I understand " , said the patient doctor . " No , hang on " , said the bloke . " When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss , a very demanding lady I might add , has to have me or she says she 'll give me the sack " . Ahh . . . . " , said the doctor , " now I see . . " . " No , there 's more " , said our man , " when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards " . " What 's your problem ? " . asked the doc . " Well . . . " , said our hero , " it hurts when I masturbate " A young couple was out carousing one evening . While driving down the highway , the guy says to the girl , " If I go 100 miles and hour , will you take off all your clothes ? " She agrees and he begins to speed up . When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip . When she gets all her clothes off , he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over . The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car . " Go get help , " he pleads . She replies , " I can 't , I 'm naked . " He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says , " Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road . " She takes the shoe , covers herself between the legs , and runs to the gas station down the road . When she arrives , she is frantic and yells to the attendant , " Help ! Help ! My boyfriend 's stuck ! " The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment , " I think it 's too late - he 's too far in ! " A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist , " Listen , I have three girls coming over tonight . I 've never had three girls at once , and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep me potent . " The pharmacist reaches under the counter , unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label " Viagra Extra Strength " and said , " Here , if you eat this , you 'll go nuts for twelve hours . " The guy says , " Gimme three boxes . " The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy , goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants . The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man 's penis is black and blue , and the skin is hanging off in some places . The man says , " Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay . " The pharmacist replies , " Ben Gay ? You 're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you ? " The man says , " No , it 's for my arms - the girls didn 't show up . " A little guy goes into an elevator , looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him . The big guy sees the little guy staring at him , looks down and says , " 7 feet tall , 350 pounds , 15 inch penis , 2 lb . left testicle , 2 lb . right testicle , Turner Brown . " The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor . This big dude kneels down and brings him to , slapping his face and shaking him , " What 's wrong with you ? " In a very weak voice , the little guy says , " Excuse me , but what EXACTLY did you say to me ? " The big dude says , " I saw the curious look on your face and figured I 'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me . I 'm 7 feet tall , 350 pounds , 15 inch penis , 2 lb . left testicle , 2 lb . right testicle , and my name is Turner Brown . " The small guy says , " Thank God ! I thought you said Turn Around ! " An Italian woman married an Italian man . The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until they 're married and then sleep at the girl 's mother 's house on their wedding night . After the wedding , the newlyweds went back to her mother 's house . The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom . She said , " I don 't want to go up there . " Her mom said , " He 's a good man . Go upstairs and he 'll treat you well . " When she got upstairs , the man took off his shirt . She ran back downstairs and said , " Mamma ! Mamma ! He has a hairy chest ! " Her mom said , " All good men have hairy chests . Go upstairs and he will treat you well . " When she got upstairs , he took off his pants . She ran back downstairs and said , " Mamma ! Mamma ! He has hairy legs ! " Her mom said , " All good men have hairy legs . Go upstairs and he will treat you well . " When she got upstairs he took off his socks . She noticed that half his foot was missing . She ran downstairs and said , " Mamma ! Mamma ! He has a foot and a half ! " Her mom said , " Stay here ! This is job for Mamma ! " Everybody who has a dog calls him " Rover " or " Boy " . I call mine " Sex . " He is a great pal , but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment . When I went to city hall to renew his dog license , I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex . He said , " I 'd like one , too ! " Then , I said " But this is a dog . " He said he didn 't care what she looked like . Then , I said , " You don 't understand . I 've had Sex since I was 9 years old . " He winked and said , " You must have been quite a kid . " When I got married and went on my honeymoon , I took the dog with me . I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex . He said , " You don 't need a special room . As long as you pay your bill , we don 't care what you do . " I said , " Look , you don 't seem to understand . Sex keeps me awake at night . " The clerk said , " Funny - I have the same problem . " One day , I entered Sex in a contest , but before the competition began , the dog ran away . Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there , looking disappointed . I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest . He told me I should have sold my own tickets . " But you don 't understand , " I said . " I had hoped to have Sex on TV . " He said , " Now that cable is all over the place , it 's no big deal any more . " Last night , Sex ran off again . I spent hours looking around town for him . A cop came over to me and asked , " What are you doing in this alley at 4 o ' clock in the morning ? " I told him I was looking for Sex . My case comes up Friday . Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven . At the gates , the guy tells Ford , " Well , you 've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world . As a reward , you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven . " So Henry Ford thinks about it and says , " I want to hang out with Adam , the first man . " So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford . When Ford gets to Adam , Ford asks , " Hey aren 't you the inventor of woman ? " Adam says , " Yes . " " Well , " says Ford , " You have some major design flaws in your invention : 1 ) There is too much front end protrusion2 ) It chatters at high speeds3 ) The rear end wobbles too much4 ) and the intake is too close to theexhaust . " " Hmmmmm . . " says Adam , " Hold on . " So Adam goes to the celestial computer , types in a few keystrokes , and waits for the results . The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it . He then says to Ford , " It may be that my invention is flawed , but according to the stellar computer , more men are riding my invention than yours . " A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year . A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife , so he wrote her a letter . " My love , " he wrote , " we are going to be apart for a very long time . Already I 'm starting to miss you and there 's really not much to do here in the evenings . Besides that we 're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls . Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted ? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying , " Why don 't you learn to play this ? " Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife . " Darling " he said , " I can 't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love ! " She kissed him and said , " First let 's see you play that harmonica . " A young , fat , streetsmart , brunette married a skinny rich Texas oil tycoon . Two months later he asked her to bend over so he could inspect her land line . Needless to say , she was very cautious and apprehensive about flipping over and being inspected , but she did it anyways . " Looks like a winner ! " The Texas tycoon said . The Woman quickly turned around and replied , " Your not using that tiny piledriver . Are you ? " Storming into his lawyer 's office , the Texas oil tycoon demanded that some divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride . " What 's the problem ? " " I want to hit that adulterin ' bitch for breach of contract , " snapped the oil man . " I don 't know if that will fly , " said the lawyer . " I mean your wife isn 't a piece of property ; you don 't own her ! " " Damn right , " the tycoon rejoined , " but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin ' rights ! A guy goes in a bar and orders for a beer . After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in andsits beside him . He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her , " Hi . Would you like me to buy you a drink ? " The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs : " WHAT ? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME ? NO WAY ! " Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving . The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened . After a while the same woman walks in , approaches him and tells him , " I 'm sorry about that little incident but you see I 'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations . " The guy then yells : " WHAT ? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB ? " There was a 12 year old boy named David . He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman . There was one woman who had herpes . But , she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen . Most of the town has herpes because they had fucked her . Well , one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house . When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes . Looking astonished the woman agrees . An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave . He is still carrying his frog . The woman , curious , asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog . The little boy responded and said , " Well if you must know , when my mom and dad go out tonight they 're going to leave me at home with the babysitter , who is very fond of little boys . When my mom and dad get home , dad will drive the babysitter home and he 'll have a quickie with her , then he 'll come back home and screw my mom , then in the morning when my dad goes to work , my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman . And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over my fucking frog ! " The doctor asked the middle - aged farmhand as he set the man 's broken leg . " Well , doc , 25 years ago . . . " " Never mind the past . Tell me how you broke your leg this morning . " " Like I was saying . . . 25 years ago , when I first started working on the farm , that night , right after I 'd gone to bed , the farmer 's beautiful daughter came into my room . She asked me if there was anything I wanted . I told her , " No , everything is fine . " " Are you sure ? " she asked . " I 'm sure , " I said . " Isn 't there anything I can do for you ? " she wanted to know . " I reckon not , " I replied . " Excuse me , " said the doctor , " What does this story have to do with your leg ? " " Well , this morning , " the farmhand explained , " when it dawned on me what she meant , I fell off the roof ! " An American is in a restaurant in Paris . He asks the three Frenchmen at the table next to him , " Excuse me , all my life I 've heard about Savoir Fare . Can you tell me what that is ? " 1st Frenchman says , " Ah , you 're having sex with another man 's wife and he walks in on you and says , " Please , continue . " That 's Savoir Fare . 2nd Frenchman says , " No , no . You 're having sex with another man 's wife and he walks in on you and says , " Please , continue . May I pour you a drink ? " That 's Savoir Fare ! The 3rd Frenchman says , " No , no . You 're having sex with another man 's wife and he walks in on you and says , " Please , continue . " If you CAN CONTINUE , that 's Savoir Fare ! News Flash ! A 10 year old girl sets the wide world record of bobbing for apples . She bit into 669 apples . Unfortunately the juice from the worms made her sick in the stomach . And now to more serious news …… Lorena Bobbit 's sister was arrested , yesterday , for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago . The sister was not as accurate as Lorena . She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage . She has been charged with a ' misdeweiner ' . Tiger Woods drives his Buick into a Petrol Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland . The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner , unaware as to who the golf pro is , " Top o the morning to you young fella ! " As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground . " What are dey , son ? " asks the attendant . " They 're called tees " replies Tiger Woods . " And what would dey be for then ? " enquires the Irishman . " They 're for resting my balls on while I 'm driving " says Tiger Woods . " Jaysus " , says the Irish man , " Dem boys at Buick just tink of everyting ! " A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost . It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees . One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods . It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn 't see any other buildings in the area . However , he saw smoke coming out of the chimney . He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered . The old man squinted his eyes and asked , " What do you want ? " The man said , " I 've been lost for the past three weeks and haven 't had a decent meal or sleep since that time . I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight . " The old Chinese man said , I 'll let you come in on one condition . You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter . " The man , exhausted and hungry , readily agreed . " I promise I won 't cause you any trouble . I 'll be on my way tomorrow morning . " The old Chinese man replied , " Okay , but if I do catch you then I 'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man . " " Okay , Okay , " the man said as he entered the old house . That night , when the man came down to eat ( after showering ) , he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was . She was an absolute pearl , and while he had only been lost three weeks , he had gone many , many months without sex . The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather . They couldn 't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal . That night , the man snuck into the girl 's bedroom and they had quite a time . The man crept back to his room later that night , thinking to himself , " Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience . " The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest . He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest . On the rock was a sign that said . " First Chinese torture test : 100 - pound rock on your chest . " " What a lame torture test , " the man thought to himself as he got up and waPrivates Toby and Chris have been promoted from privates to sergeants . Not long after , they 're out for a walk and Toby says , " Hey , Chris , there 's the Officer 's Club . Let 's you and me stop in . " " But we 're privates , " protests Chris . " We 're sergeants now , " says Toby , pulling him inside . " Now , Chris , I 'm gonna sit down and have me a drink . " " But we 're privates , " says Chris . " You blind ? " asks Toby , pointing at his stripes . " We 're sergeants now . " So they have their drink , and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Toby . " Your cute , " she says , " and I 'd like to screw you , but I 've got a bad case of gonorrhea . " Toby pulls his friend to the side and whispers , " Chris , go look in the dictionary and see what ' gonorrhea ' means . If it 's okay , give me the okay sign . " So Chris goes to look it up , comes back , and gives Toby the big okay sign . Three weeks later Toby is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea . " Chris , " he says , " Why 'd you give me the okay ? " " Well , Toby , in the dictionary , it say gonorrhea affects only the privates . " He points to his stripes . " But we 're sergeants now . " When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle , she was attracted to him , and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex . Tarzan not know sex , " he replied . Jane explained to him what sex was . Tarzan said , " Oh , . . . Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree . " Horrified , she said , " Tarzan you have it all wrong , . . . but I will show you how to do it properly . " She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground . " Here " she said , . . . " you must put it in here . " Tarzan removed his loincloth , stepped closer with his huge erection , and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch . Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity . Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed , " What did you do that for ? " " Tarzan check for bees ! " An old man walked into a crowded doctor 's office . As he approached the desk , the receptionist asked , " Yes sir , may we help you ? " " There 's something wrong with my penis , " he replied . The receptionist became irritated and said , " You shouldn 't come into a crowded office and say things like that . " " Why not ? You asked me what was wrong and I told you , " he said . " Because " replies the receptionist . " You 've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers . You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private . " The man walked out , waited several minutes and reentered . The receptionist smiled smugly andasked " Yes ? " " There 's something wrong with my ear " he stated . The receptionist nodded approvingly . " And what is wrong with your ear sir ? " " I can 't piss out of it , " the man replied ! ! ! One gay guy decides to have a tattoo done . On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Frank Bruno . " Oh he 's my favorite darling . . . . can you do him on the cheek of my ass ? ? " he asked the tattoo artist . So it was done . On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson . " Oh good lord " the gay guy blurted out . " I just adore big Mike , can you do him on my other cheek please , lovey ? " So it was done . On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers , give us a look . " He dropped his pants to reveal his new art work ; on which the boyfriend returned in fright , " Oh I 'm not getting in the ring with those two ! " Grandma , " Where 's Mom and dad ? " and she replied , " they 're up in bed . " The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play . Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma " where 's Mom and Dad ? " and she replied " they 're still up in bed . " Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play . Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma " where 's Mom and dad ? " and his grandmother replied " they 're still up in bed . " The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked , " what gives ? Every time I tell you they 're still up in bed you start to laugh ! what is going on here ? " The little boy replied , " well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue . " On a flight to Chicago , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men 's restroom , but it had always been occupied . The flight attendant noticed his predicament . " Sir , she said , " You may us the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall . " He did what he needed to , and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not totouch . Each button was identified by letters : WW , WA , PP and a red one labeled ATR . Who would know if he touched them ? He couldn 't resist . He pushed WW . Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom . What a nice feeling , he thought . Men 's restrooms don 't have nice things like this . Anticipating greater pleasure , he pushed the WA button . Warm air replaced the warm water , gently drying his underside . When this stopped , he pushed the PP button . A large powder puffcaressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure . The ladies restroom was more than a restroom , it is tender loving pleasure . When the powder puff completed it 's pleasure , he couldn 't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy . Next thing He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes . A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face . " What happened ? ! " he exclaimed . " You pushed one too many buttons , " replied the nurse . " The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover . Your penis is under your pillow . " Three Labrador retrievers , chocolate , yellow , and black , are sitting in the waiting room at the vet 's office when they strike up a conversation . The black lab turns to the chocolate and says , " So why are you here ? " The chocolate lab replies , " I 'm a pisser . I piss on everything - the sofa , the drapes , the cat , the kids . But the final straw was last night , when I pissed in the middle of my owner 's bed . " The black lab says , " So what is the vet going to do ? " " Gonna give me Prozac , " came the reply from the chocolate lab . " All the vets are prescribing it . It works for everything . " The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks , " Why are you here ? " The yellow lab says , " I 'm a digger . I dig under fences , dig up flowers and trees , I dig just for the hell of it . When I 'm inside , I dig up the carpets . But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner 's couch . " " So what are they going to do to you ? " the black lab inquired . " Looks like Prozac for me too , " the dejected yellow lab said . Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he 's at the vet 's office for . I 'm a humper , " the black lab says . " I 'll hump anything . I 'll hump the cat , a pillow , the table , firehydrants , whatever . I want to hump everything I see . Yesterday , my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes , and I just couldn 't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away . " The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say , " So , Prozac for you too , huh ? " The black lab says , " No , I 'm here to get my nails clipped . " A 70 year old man went to his doctor 's office to get a sperm count . The doctor gave the man a jar and said , " Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow . " The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor 's office and gives him the jar , which is as clean and empty as on - - the previous day . The doctor asked what happened and the man explains : " Well , doc , it 's like this : First I tried with my right hand , but , nothing . Then I tried with - my left hand , but still nothing . Then I asked my wife for help . She - tried with her right hand , with nothing . Then her left , but nothing . She - even tried with her mouth , first with the teeth in , then with the teeth - out , and still nothing . We even called up the lady next door and - she tried with both hands and her mouth too , but nothing . " The doctor was shocked ! " You asked your neighbor ? " the old man replied , " yep , but no matter what we tried we couldn 't get the DARN jar open ! " A farmer buys several pigs , hoping to breed them for ham , bacon , etc . . . . After several weeks , he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant , and calls a vet for help . The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination . The farmer doesn 't have the slightest idea what this means but , not wanting to display his ignorance , only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant . The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will , instead , lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant . The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought . He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs . So , he loads the pigs into his truck , drives them out into the woods , has sex with them all , brings them back and goes to bed . Next morning , he wakes and looks out at the pigs . Seeing that they are all still standing around , he concludes that the first try didn 't take , and loads them in the truck again . He drives them out to the woods , bangs each pig twice for good measure , brings them back and goes to bed . Next morning , he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around . One more try , he tells himself , and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods . He spends all day shagging the pigs and , upon returning home , falls listlessly into bed . The next morning , he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs . He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud . " No , " she says , " they 're all in the truck and one of them 's honking the horn . A dirty blind man visits his doctor for a routine check - up and everything seems fine . The doctor asks him about his sex life . " Well . . . " the man drawled , " not bad at all to be honest . The wife ain 't all that interested anymore , so I just cruise around . In the past week I was able to pick - up and bed at least three girls , none of whom were over thirty years old . " " My goodness Frank , and at your age too . " the doctor said . " I hope you took at least some precautions . " " Yep . I may be blind , but I ain 't senile yet doc . I gave ' em all a phony name . " 1 . Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea . 2 . There is no need for dice in role playing . 3 . Intercourse doesn 't happen on a highway . 4 . If you engage in oral sex first , it 's not called a head start . 5 . If she says she 's into " bondage , " don 't show her your financial portfolio . 6 . You can lie down during a one - night stand . 7 . When a woman talks about waiting for the " right time , " she 's not referring to a commercial break . 8 . Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking . 9 . Making out doesn 't mean getting your money 's worth . 10 . Sex is like " The Club " - Accept no substitutes . A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five - story hotel with a sign that read , " For Women Only . " Since they were without their boyfriends , they decided to go in . The Bouncer , a very attractive guy , explains to them how it works . " We have 5 floors . . . go up floor by floor , and once you find what you are looking for , you can stay there . It 's easy to decide , since each floor has signs telling you what 's inside . " So they start going up , and on the first floor the sign reads , " All the men here are horrible lovers , but they are sensitive and kind " . . . the friends laugh and , without hesitation , move on to the next floor . The sign on the second floor reads , " All the men here are wonderful lovers , but they generally treat women badly . " This wasn 't going to do , so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read , " All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women . " This was good , but there were still two more floors . On the fourth floor , the sign was perfect : " All the men here have perfect builds ; are sensitive and attentive to women ; are perfect lovers ; they are also single , rich and straight . " The women seemed pleased , but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth . When they reach the fifth floor , there is a sign that reads : " There are no men here . This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman . " A man had sex with his wife adamantly until they had six children and was very proud of there achievement . He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife " Mother of Six " in spite of her objections . One night they go to a fancy party . The man decides that it 's time to go home , and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well . He shouts at the top of his voice , " Shall we go home Mother of six ? " His wife , irritated by her husband 's lack of discretion shouts back : " Anytime you 're ready , Father of Four ! " Wishing you a seductive and horny day , licked by love and penetrated with heavenly graces . May all your problems be ejaculated before the climax of the day . Have a sexy day ! |
I had to go into work today to take care of a number of things , so I was there for a few hours . This should be my last day though ! I went to some local places and got some boxes . I packed some more of my books . Then I took a break and started searching for a place that I could do a rent - to - own . I called one place that advertised rent - to - own homes . First thing I found out is that rent - to - own is not what I thought . I was under the impression that you rented the home , paid more in rent , and that extra would be put towards the purchase of the home . Apparently , the idea is that I would rent it and then after a year I would just buy it . I was not interested in that . I have moved too many times to be dumb enough to buy a house after just two years a t my current school . I also found out that my credit score is too low . It 's 553 . That 's in the bottom 5 % . I know exactly why it is . When I had to pay to get my car road - worthy and then pay off all of those tickets , I had to wait to pay some bills . Well , those bills went to collections and brought my credit score down . So , I just gave up and tried to find a nice rental in my price range , hopefully with the option of having a garden . I looked on Craigslist and there was nothing within an hour commute in my price range . I looked in area newspapers and there was nothing within an hour commute in my price range . So finally , I just googled what I was looking for and found a place . I called the owner and he was willing to show it to me that night . When telling him what time I would meet him at , I had accounted for rush - hour traffic . However , I got through it relatively quickly and ended up there very early . It was a small parking area and there was a pick - up truck parked there with a man in it . I asked him if it was him I had talked to . He said no , but he also had an apartment for rent ! So I took his phone number and made plans to see his place afterwards . The first apartment I looked at was half of a cottage , converted for winter use . The set - up and appliances were old ( circa 1950s ) , but worked fine . The fridge was newer and the floors were wood . It had a front porch and two tiny bedrooms . I thought I had been in tiny bedrooms before , but the larger one would barely fit my full sized bed and the smaller one would barely fit a twin bed and a small dresser . Each bedroom had a closet and there was another closet on the enclosed porch . There was also a dingy crawlspace underneath the cottage that I could also use for storage . I would have full run of the grounds including some hiking paths , a brook , and a lake to fish in . And there was a nice south - east plot maybe 10 ′ x 10 ′ that I could use for a garden ! It was $ 900 a month plus utilities . Then I met the second man to see his apartment . It was on the bottom floor of a house in suburbia . The interior was modern with tiled floors and newer appliances . While everything was new and clean , the drip trays in the stove were disgusting , The closets had mirrored doors . The bathroom was bigger and had a bathtub . There was only one bedroom , but it was larger . The baseboard heaters completely encircled the living area . There was a nice patio that the apartment opened on to , but I was told that the upstairs tenant was the one allowed to use it . I was also offered a space for a garden , but there was so much tree cover , that the plants would never get any sun . The driveway was a steep hill , so I worried about driving on it in the winter . It was $ 900 a month utilities included . My whole way home , I weighed the options . They both had their advantages . I liked the interior of the second place . And it had a bathtub . And utilities were included . And I didn 't have to fill out a rental application . But the first place was in a nicer area . It had a porch , a brook , a lake , and some wooded paths . There was more storage space . And I had some interesting ideas about what I could do with that second bedroom . When I got home , it was late . I chatted briefly with Oliver who helped me weigh the options further . I finally decided to put in the application for the first place I looked at . Then I went to bed . Diet : I followed my diet , except for dinner . I left so quickly to look at the apartments that I didn 't eat before I left . I ended up having iced cream for dinner My morning meditation did not go well today . I could not focus , so what usually takes me 40 minutes took me an hour . I also felt a heaviness in my chest , mostly on the left side , but partially on the right . Even though I woke up on my own , which means I must have slept enough , I found it more difficult to get things completed today . When I weighed myself , I had lost 2 more pounds . I couldn 't get excited about this fact for some reason . Maybe it 's because I have so much further to go ! My schedule got messed up because I had to stop by work and complete some paperwork . By the time I got to my workout , it was noon , sunny , over 90 degrees , and humid . And I had decided that today I was going to start running . After a warm - up walk , I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could . It wasn 't long . I had a few brief spurts of running , then I felt that same heaviness in my chest that I felt this morning in my meditation . I contemplated giving up , wondering if there was a real problem . I decided to walk until it went away and it did , but it came back every time I ran . I think I may have overdone it with my run in those conditions . When I got back , I was hot , sticky , and completely unmotivated . I ate something and spent some time online . Then I fell asleep for two hours ! When I awoke I was significantly more depressed and less motivated . Things went downhill from there . I messaged Oliver and told him I was depressed . I explained how I see things negatively using an example of a friend I had chatted with that day . He suggested that I might have paranoia . I looked online for symptoms , but concluded that since I am capable of trusting people and I don 't think people are out to get me , I 'm not paranoid . I didn 't hear back from him and was afraid my mental illness scared him off . It wouldn 't be the first time someone got scared off by it . So I gave him some time and ordered food . After I ate , I felt so much better ! I started to wonder if the depression was caused by a nutrient deficiency . If so , I couldn 't figure out what it could be based on the meal . It had tomatoes , peppers , mushrooms , chicken , rice noodles and a cilantro sauce . To drink I had a mixture of lemon juice , grapefruit juice , lime juice , ginger , with agave syrup and a mint leaf . With so many good - for - me things , I had no idea which one was the key to making me feel better . I chatted a bit with Kevin and then decided to call Oliver to get it over with . Surprisingly , things were fine ! I decided not to mention it and neither did he . He was having his own problems with his landlord . I complained about mine . The water in my kitchen sink wasn 't working today . We both couldn 't wait to get out of our current living situations . I told him all about the state where I live with the hiking and camping . I told him about the beautiful mountains and which ones I climbed . I guess my descriptions were favorable because he said , jokingly ( I think ) , that he wanted to move here . So I jokingly asked if he wanted a roommate . We launched into a conversation of ideal living situations and what they would be . Hypothetically , of course . When I woke up and weighed myself , I discovered that I had lost 3lbs ! Today was my first official day of summer vacation . I usually have trouble with depression when I 'm not working so I made up a schedule for myself . It consisted of all of the things I wanted to accomplish over the summer a little at a time . I actually completed everything ! It was weird because as soon as 5 : 00 hit , my mood seriously slumped . Thankfully the only thing I had left to do was write , so I did . Depression is an amazing thing . As soon as it hits , my brain immediately takes everything that is good in my life and begins to question it . Really , there 's nothing good in my life right now except for Oliver , so it started to question that . He didn 't call me last night . Never mind that I fell asleep early last night and probably would have slept through his phone call anyway , but the fact that he didn 't call bothered me . Then even though I facebook messaged him a few times , he saw what I wrote but didn 't respond until much later in the day . I also made the mistake of telling him about my insecurities , which is probably the worst thing I could have done . One of Bryan 's criticisms was that I was too insecure . That probably didn 't help with my insecurity issues . Later on , Oliver called me . We had a good discussion of tv shows and movies that we both liked . However , he made it sound like he was also entertaining options with other women . Then he kind of qualified it by saying that he was only asked out by one and turned her down for a very good reason . Then my logic came to my rescue . I thought about how he spends almost every evening talking on the phone with me after he gets off of work , not anyone else . So maybe there is nothing to it . I wish I had some certainty with him . I understand that we have never met , but I wish I knew if he was actually serious about me , assuming the meeting goes well . Maybe I should still put myself out there and talk to other guys . That way I won 't be so disappointed if things with Oliver don 't work out . It just seems like we were meant for each other . Maybe that 's an extremely naive view of it . Maybe there 's no room for a hopeless romantic in today 's world . Maybe I 'm just getting my hopes up too much . Maybe I need to stop assuming that things will go well with a guy . How do I do that though ? How do I stop how my brain thinks ? I 've been trying to do that for years to combat the downward spiral my brain thinks me into when I 'm experiencing depression . I woke up early and drove Kevin home . Then I continued on to the Clearwater Festival . I wasn 't sure exactly what it was or how excited I should have been to get in for free . The tickets cost over $ 80 per day ! It was originally started as a fundraiser by Pete Seeger to clean up the Hudson River . Now it seems to be a large music festival with many stages all over the place . I got in because I was asked to help out at an activist booth of a cause I believe in . I really had no interest in wandering around listening to music or pushing my way through crowds of hippies or people that wanted to be hippies . Our booth was placed near one of the stages so I got to hear some music without having to deal with crowds . We had a fair number of people come into our booth asking questions . I tried to answer them as well as I could and promote our cause , but I was not meant for verbal communication . I am better with behind - the - scenes organization and writing . But I suppose it gave me the opportunity to spend some time outside my comfort zone . After my shift was over , I really didn 't even wander around . I just left and went home . I was very proud of myself because even though I just wanted to sleep when I got home , I went outside for a walk . I was even more pleased with my timing . I was maybe done with my walk for about 10 minutes when the skies opened up and it started raining . I also took a shower afterwards because I found a tick on my neck as I left the festival . It hadn 't lodged itself in my skin yet , but I figured a shower was the best way to avoid having one cling to me . I did a tick - check , but there are just some places I can 't check by myself . I was really tired and tried unsuccessfully to nap . I finished the fictional book that I was reading . I browsed facebook for a while . Eventually , I got to sleep around 9 : 00pm . I guess it wasn 't much of a nap because I slept straight through until the morning ! I woke up around 8 : 00am and Kevin was already awake and trying to be quiet . We sat and watched movies for a few hours while I did some laundry . Then we took a field trip to a book store . I spent entirely too much money there . I hope my purchases will prove to be what they claimed to be . I bought three books about how to write and publish a book . They were all different takes on it . One was about how to blog a book . Another was about writing non - fiction . The last was about writing and publishing fiction . With all three of those combined , I 'm hoping to learn everything that I need to know . I also bought a book about the hiking trails in this county . I hope to start hiking more often as exercise . When we got done with the library , we went out to eat at a pub . I was craving a bacon cheeseburger with sweet potato fries . Because it was a pub , I had some alcohol with the fries . Then I had another glass with the burger . Then I had another glass with dessert . By the time we walked back to my place , I was good and drunk and trying not to show it . We put in another movie and I fell asleep . I slept through the whole movie . I was thankful . I slept through my drunkenness and the painful feeling in my stomach because I had eaten way too much . Not long after I woke up , Oliver called . Tonight we mostly had theological discussions about what books and authors we liked . We also agreed on what we considered " doing things right " in our religion . We had a debate about white privilege . I did well playing the " devil 's advocate " , but forgot and switched sides at the end so we were both arguing the same point ! We both had to get up early in the morning , so we hung up after talking for about an hour . I had a half day of work today . I also got paid for a side project so I was very pleased about that . I had planned to drive to pick up Kevin for the weekend . I had to pick up something near where he lived anyway . I also deposited my check and had an inner debate on how much of my money should be spent on bills , re - paying debts , etc . , how much should be spent on items that I want / need , and how much I should save for a house down - payment or a possible emergency . It was almost $ 6 , 000 , so it was a decent amount , but not enough to do everything I want to . I felt celebratory for all of five minutes . It didn 't take long after I picked Kevin up , that I realized that I was remarkably irritable . Everything he did pissed me off . I went for a walk with him and ate something , so that helped a bit . Because my place is so small , there was no place for me to talk on the phone in private , so I took a walk . I talked to Oliver for a good hour . I 'm really starting to like him . I 'm trying not to get my hopes up about him , but I can 't help it . He really seems to be everything I wanted in a guy . He wants to be a father almost as badly as I want to be a mother ! We both want to work to grow our own food and live as sustainably as possible . We both believe in the same things , religion - wise . We both are working to improve our health with diet and exercise , though he 's doing better than I am . We are both working to improve our spirit with meditation , though I 'm doing better than he is . He even mentioned that if we hit it off like he thinks we might , he 's going to see me all the time . He didn 't say he wanted to move in right away , but it was definitely hinted at . And I 'm oddly okay with that . It 's not just because I could use the help with the bills , because I 'm lonely , or because I would like someone to share the chores . All of those things are true . If he is who and what he seems to be , I would rather be with him than be apart . Again , I 'm getting ahead of myself . I need to stop with the expectations and " what - ifs " . Diet : I barely followed my diet . It didn 't help that I had a small breakfast and waited to eat lunch . I started getting ravenous around 3pm and just got the nearest food , which turned out to be pizza . Things are nearing the end of my school year . As such I am hoping that I will be able to blog on a daily basis again . I am looking forward to all the free time I will have to spend on the various projects that I have going on in my life . Maybe it 's sad , but I created a schedule for my days off . I have so much I want to do this summer . I want to finish some craft projects . I want to pack up my things to move . I want to find a place to move and move there . I want to eat right and exercise . I want to work on writing my book . I want to visit my friends and family . I just hope I can accomplish all that I want to accomplish . I talked to Oliver again tonight . It 's funny but every few days I seem to get worried about things with him . This time I realized he seems too good to be true . Then I realized that every time I mentioned something , he is usually the one who gets excited because it 's something that we both have in common . Maybe he truly shares those things , but I started to worry that he was just faking it for some weird reason . I asked him about it and he was very convincing . He sounded so surprised that I said he sounded too good to be true that I left it at that . Why do I go through this every time I meet a guy ? Why can 't I just let " good enough " alone ? I also started noticing that all of the things I had hoped to improve each month is starting to become a long list . I had initially hoped that I would take each month and each thing would become a habit . I thought that I wouldn 't have to work to do everything each month . Now I wonder if it 's going to overwhelm me by December . There 's only one way to find out ! I ran a bunch of errands today so I found myself driving a lot . One of the things I always disliked about where I lived was how people drive ( and park ) around here . If anyone lingers at a green light for more than a second or two , they honk their horn at them . They double park , which negatively affects traffic patterns , just so they don 't have to walk from an actual parking spot which is further away . Some people drive aggressively just to be a few car - lengths ahead and put other people in danger . It 's the sort of thing that cause many people to get road rage or at least negative emotions as a result of driving . Today I was able to keep a sense of peace while driving , even when people cut me off or honked at me when I didn 't notice that the light had turned green . I have heard that being " enlightened " ( not that I am enlightened ) means that you are not necessarily a pushover , but the question is , to what lengths do I go ? Do I continue to not allow a car who is trying to merge into traffic in front of me after passing everybody on the right in a long line of cars ? Is that standing up for myself ? Is that living in my ego because I need to be " right " by not allowing them to cut in front of me ? I find myself asking more and more abstract questions like this recently . I think that I mentioned that I had recently put my picture up on that dating facebook group and got a lot of attention from it . I also had a renewal of attention from a few guys I had previously talked to . One was named Oliver and the other was named Raymond . Both were talking about wanting to meet me , although Oliver lives many states away . He actually lives in the same city as my dad , which was a strange coincidence . Raymond lives only a few hours away in the same state , not far from where one of my sisters live . I like Oliver better because he has interesting things to talk about whereas Raymond just likes telling me how beautiful I am and how he wants to meet me . While many women would be flattered by being called beautiful , I like guys who have something interesting to say much better . Not that I expect anything to happen with either guy . At this point I have given up looking for anyone and will just do the best I can in my life . While I sincerely hope someone good comes along for me at some point , I 'm going to fulfill as many of my dreams as I can in the meantime . I started the day very well . I meditated and felt very content for the majority of the day . I got to my moms house for her birthday and was talking with my two sisters . They 're 33 and 31 . They 're both married . One has an adorable son . They were both talking about having kids . One was talking about buying a house . I was coping well with all of this conversation until one of them mentioned that at 35 the odds go down of you having kids . That 's how old I am now . I found myself fighting back tears , so I excused myself to go to the bathroom and tried to maintain my composure . When I went in , I saw that Oliver had messaged me , I immediately vented to him about my worries and told him I was depressed . Usually I guard my tongue about things like depression and being upset about not having kids around guys when I first start talking to guys , but I was so upset that I really didn 't censor my words like I normally would . Usually talking like that makes a guy run the other way . Surprisingly , he not only understood , but commiserated . He too , wanted to have kids and was starting to get concerned that he never would either . It meant a lot to have someone with the same goals reassuring me and I was able to calm down relatively quickly . The rest of the evening went well . After dinner we played a card game . My one sister is very competitive and can be both a very bad loser and a very bad winner . I was able to hold my tongue when she won the first game , even though she was very rude about winning . I even didn 't really fault her that much because I usually do win and she usually gets angry about that . I did win the next game and she was remarkably well - behaved about that . I think that while I 'm still working on it , my meditation and work on inner peace is working . That night after everyone went to bed , I chatted some more with Oliver and he wanted to talk on the phone . We talked for hours ! We talked until my cell phone battery died and I ended up hanging up on him ! But still , we had some great conversations ! The sister with the son had to leave , but my other sister stayed and we went hiking . We went about a mile out of the five that we had planned to hike when my sister got her foot caught in between two rocks . It was caught so badly that we had to help her take all the weight off of the leg before we could take her foot out of the rock . Thankfully , I had packed something to clean and cover her cuts with . Unfortunately , we were unable to continue our hike because we were so bruised . She suggested that she sit and wait while we continue the hike , but we refused . We were able to get her back to the car . I was not terribly disappointed about getting to finish the hike , even though I had been looking forward to it and we paid to get in the park to hike . I was surprised that I wasn 't that disappointed . I didn 't chat much with Oliver today . I thought we had hit it off , but I didn 't hear from him much . Despite his insistence that we would talk today , we really didn 't . It was a shame . I thought we hit it off so well ! Today was a very slow day at work . I was able to complete almost everything on my to - do list for the end of the year ! I spent a fair amount of time checking the internet and noticing that while even though Oliver had said that he had the day of and the time free , he really wasn 't responding to the things I wrote to him . I found myself feeling insecure and jealous . Wtf ! ? I thought I had come a fair ways spiritually this month , only to find myself feeling these stupid feelings . But I suppose it was at least a good start that my heart was feeling anything , even if it was stupid pain for stupid reasons . Thankfully I didn 't act on term too crazily , but I did bring one thing up with Oliver , which made me feel like a bit of an ass . On the bright side , he admitted that he liked me , so that was nice to hear . When I got home I fell asleep . When I woke up , I called my dad and solidified my plans to come visit him . I had been planning to make this visit since I spoke to him in May , but now I had the money in my bank account to purchase the tickets . We talked and decided that I would come to visit him on July 8th for a week . I chatted more with Oliver . We talked on the phone until my battery died . The battery was already low from talking with my father for so long . Then we skyped . It was nice to get to see his face and facial expressions . We finally hung up around half past midnight ! We got along so well and there always seemed to be something to talk about with him ! Today I completed my final tasks of my list early in the morning . However , I kept getting told to cover for this or that teacher , so I couldn 't leave early . Still , it was nice to know that I was done ! I had several errands to run . I decided to purchase new bed sheets because my other ones were ripped and smelled bad . My cat had got his claw stuck in my fitted sheet and ripped it . The rip just keep growing as I toss and turn attempting to sleep . I got to the Bed , Bath , and Beyond and grabbed a fitted sheet and two sets of pillow cases . I was shocked to find that the whole thing came to over $ 100 . Since when does a package of two pillowcases cost $ 35 ! ? Then the cashier actually asked me for an id to prove that the credit card is mine . I will not be going back to that store ! I also stopped by a drug store to pick up another supplement . I had been reading more about my hypothyroidism and had found a study stating that taking L - Tyrosine , an amino acid , was beneficial for people who struggled with fatigue on hypothyroidism . I checked for drug interactions and decided it was worth trying , so I picked some up . When I got home , I fell asleep again . When I awoke , I bought my plane tickets to visit my dad ( and possibly Oliver ) . Oliver and I talked on the phone again . We got into more in - depth conversations . I talked about my desire for a house with land , so I can grow my own food and live off of the land as much as possible . It 's been a long - time dream that I don 't share with many people in my life , simply because they don 't get it . I don 't know why I shared it with him , but he had the same dream ! It seemed like an odd coincidence that he wanted the exact same things in life as me and he lived in the same city as my dad . It almost started looking like fate brought us together . But I told myself that I should think like that . I shouldn 't get my hopes up . I should just take each day as it comes . But we even talked about what would happen if we really hit it off when we met and we liked each other . He said that he would probably want to pack his bags and start moving right away . I didn 't tell him that I would probably want to let him . I stuck with logic and the pragmatism that I felt like I should be using and told him that if we got along really well , he could come visit me at the end of August when I have a week free and that we 'd take things from there . Honestly , if we spent an entire week together in August and loved every minute of it , I would be more than happy to have him move up here and move in with me . But I 'm getting ahead of myself . I know he 's shorter than me and fat . And it looks like he 's balding . Each of these items in and of itself is not necessarily a turn - off for me . I 'm just worried that the combination of them would be enough for me to not be sexually attracted to him when we meet . And I hope I am . So I just need to keep reminding myself . Do not get my hopes up . Do not expect anything . Take each day as it comes . I had a busy day at work . Apparently my list of things to complete was not the last one . I was issued another list that must be completed by Friday . There were a lot less field trips and other things going on today , so I had a lot more classes to " teach " . It was the end of the year , so we just played games and watched movies in my classes . I had to stay late after school , so I got home late . I was surprised to find that I didn 't have a three hour nap like I did the day before or even a two hour nap , which seemed to be the new norm . I usually had a 2 hour nap and 6 hours of sleep , bringing me to about 8 hours total . Today I wasn 't tired , but I was still unmotivated . I lay around and read my book . I nodded off for about an hour . I wonder if the supplement I started taking has started combating my fatigue already ! When I woke up , Oliver and I talked some more . This time we got into really intimate topics . We talked about sex . We talked about our messed up childhoods . We discussed the nature of our mental issues . He gets depressed and social anxiety . I am not going to go into either of our messed up childhoods . I have gotten over mine , which was full of mental and emotional abuse . He seems to have gotten over his , too , which was full of physical abuse . Because he hadn 't been able to take naps as I was , he got tired early , so we hung up after only an hour of talking . Hygiene : I brushed my teeth twice . I was showered three days out of six . To be fair , I really wasn 't able to shower for three days because I didn 't have any hot water . Sure , I could have showered in cold water , but I preferred to be dirty rather than to be freezing cold for the duration of my shower . Mood and temperament : My temperament has been remarkably good . I was a bit depressed on Monday when I think I started getting all co - dependent about Oliver . But once I realized what I was doing , I did what I could to stop it . I have been otherwise in a good or at least neutral mood most of the time . Because of that , I was surprised at just how unmotivated and tired I have been . I haven 't gotten much done at home at all ! I spent the day longing for the weekend . I guess I just wanted a change . I don 't know what I wanted . I wanted something when I got home from work , but because I couldn 't put my finger on it , I ended up spending my time on facebook . I chatted with anyone who sent me a message . Something was missing . Well , something was missing other than the fact that I couldn 't feel anything from my heart . That 's right , I don 't have the heart for anything and anyone . I don 't feel love for my students anymore , not even the littlest and cutest . I can 't feel love for my family and friends anymore either . I think my heart is actually broken , but not in that sense you hear in love songs . My hear just isn 't working . I can 't feel anything for anyone . Normally when you think of a " broken " heart , you think of the pain you feel when someone you love doesn 't want to be with you anymore , but this is what it really is . It 's when your heart has felt that pain so much that it stops feeling as a defense mechanism . I realized that 's what my dream was about the other night . I need to learn how to open my heart again . I need to feel love for people again . Not just for a guy in a romantic sense , but just to feel love for my friends , my family , my students , for people in general . This is the whole that needed to be filled and while I spent the whole evening on facebook , I really didn 't feel any better . Today I ran out of the supplements that I take for my depression . I hoped it wouldn 't affect me too badly , but there was nothing I could do . They were ordered , they just hadn 't been delivered yet . I got up early to make a two and a half hour drive to see a spiritual leader / teacher called Dadi Janki . I had started taking meditation classes in January , but my attendance had been very sporadic . Well , the lady that teaches the classes had announced that Dadi Janki would be coming the USA and that she would be staying less than three hours away . She convinced me that it was a once - in - a - lifetime opportunity , so I agreed to go . I didn 't actually know who Dadi Janki was , so I googled her name . " Dadi Janki joined the BKWSU as a founding member in 1937 at the age of 21 " ( whatever the BKWSU is ) and " in 1974 she established the first BK centre outside of India , in London , UK . Under her guidance and inspiration , centres now exist in nearly 100 countries " ( okay , the BK center is the place where I was taught meditation for free ) . Dadi Janki maintains an unrivalled daily lecture and touring schedule even today , at age 99 . She has travelled world - wide almost incessantly over the past decade , engaging with people from the grass roots to government leaders . She is a soul who refuses to set limits and boundaries as to what is achievable and , in so doing , inspires others to believe that they too can make the impossible , possible . " Okay , I 'm impressed . When I got there , there were almost 1 , 000 people crammed into a room where there was probably only room for 800 . They were all wearing white . Good thing I had listened to my meditation teacher when she had recommended that I wear white ! She and some of the other ladies I knew there had even saved a seat for me ! Their kindness went straight to my heart . There were various presentations for the next hour and then we patiently waited for Dadi Janki to arrive at 11 : 00 . She arrived at 11 : 15 . I suppose I shouldn 't quibble over times . After all , she 's turning 100 this year and it 's impressive that she 's able to travel and lecture as much as she does ! After she was done , we all got in line for a " toli " . I 'm told that meant a blessing . It was a card with some words of wisdom about myself . Kind of like a glorified fortune cookie . They also gave me a bag of trail mix with it . Lunch was then served outdoors . It was a beautiful day . It wasn 't too hot or too cold . The sun was shining and the surroundings were gorgeous ! The food was delicious too ! I couldn 't identify many of the foods because I think they were Indian , but they were all very tasty . I can 't believe that they had not only managed to cook for 1 , 000 people , but that they were able to offer so many delicious options ! I felt a kind of peace , a happiness that was more about contentment than about being happy . I realized then that I was looking for contentment more than happiness . Happiness depends on externals ( such as money , job , relationship , friends , etc . ) whereas contentment depends on your internal ability to take what life has given you and be okay with wherever you currently are in your life situation . I started talking with some of the " sisters " that lived there ( there are bothers too , but I just didn 't end up talking with any of them ) . They devote their lives to this meditation and by facilitating free weekend retreats that help others achieve peace in their lives . While I couldn 't make it up most weekends , I asked if there was anything I could do to help . I loved this place and wanted to return . I talked to the woman who was in charge of the upkeep of the extensive buildings and grounds and she said I could come up during my summer vacation to help out around the grounds ! With all of my hiking experience , she was hoping I could help out with the trails ! So they were going to give me a place to stay in this beautiful wooded , mountainous region , feed me delicious food , and all I had to do was help out along the hiking trails during the day ! ? This sounded fantastic ! As I drove away , I tried to keep the feeling of peace I had attained there . I realized that I could finally feel feelings in my heart again , but that it was a mix of pain and butterflies . I suppose some feeling was better than none at all . I picked up Kevin on my way home . We watched a few movies . We got to the point in one movie where the main character was writing a letter that read as follows : " Sometimes I feel like there 's a hole inside of me , an emptiness that at times seems to burn . I think if you lifted my heart to your ear , you could probably hear the ocean . The moon tonight , there 's a circle around it . Sign of trouble not far behind . I have this dream of being whole . Of not going to sleep each night , wanting . But still sometimes , when the wind is warm or the crickets sing … I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for . I just want someone to love me . I want to be seen . I don 't know . Maybe I had my happiness . I don 't want to believe it but , there is no man . " I had seen this movie before and heard this letter before , but this time I felt this letter . I got very depressed . I found myself shaking with the anticipation of tears . I cried and shook and probably made a nice sight for my friend , but thankfully he was okay about it and just let me be . I just wanted someone to hold me . He would have been okay , but what I really wanted was someone to hold me who would hold me forever . Who would be there for me . Who could be all of the things I ever needed . Of course I would be more than happy to be those things for him too , but the wanting made me so sad and so lonely . I tried to stay up as long as I could so I would fall asleep without having to think about the things that my depression wanted me to think and have it get worse . It was already pretty bad . I woke up shaking . I felt " off " for much of the morning . Kevin and I continued to watch movies and I spent time cooking food for the upcoming week . I called to inquire about my supplements and discovered that the post office had attempted to deliver them on Wednesday , only they never left a note or any indication that they had even been there . I would have to wait for Monday to retrieve the package . There came a point in another movie we watched where a man did some pretty insane things just to protect his family when I started getting depressed again . I wanted a family and a man who would love me and my kids so much that he would do something like that to protect us . Not that I 'd want to ever be in that position , but you get the idea . I drove Kevin home feeling bad that , yet again , I had probably been a bad hostess . I had a pretty easy day at work , but I was not content . I was still recovering from the fact that I had been off of the supplements for two days , so everything took more motivation than it usually took . On my way home , I decided to pick up some DHEA . It 's a compound ( I 'm not really sure what kind ) that 's found naturally in the body , but mine was low in the last time I was tested for it . DHEA is something that apparently promotes muscle growth and weight loss , so I figured it couldn 't hurt , especially when my body seems to be naturally low in it already . When I got home , I continued cooking food . I spent some time wasting on facebook and the internet , so I ended up staying up really late to finish making the food . I was tired when I awoke because I stayed up so late the night before making food . I took a two hour nap when I got home and then went to the Planned Parenthood . I got tested for STDs . Thankfully , I was clean ! The bump was a cyst that was the equivalent of a pimple " down there " . I also followed my diet today ! It was such a help to have food that was ready and desirable to eat ! But I also felt more of a desire to follow my diet as well . I woke up this morning and discovered that I lost 1 . 4lbs in one day ! That was a real incentive to follow my diet . I was surprisingly alert and full of energy for most of the day . I sang loudly and with gusto in the car . I mostly followed my diet , but there were goodies in the faculty room and I ate a few of them . When I got home , I took a nap for two hours . Afterwards , I took a half hour walk and did laundry . I was actually in such a good mood that I danced to my music in the hallway of my building ! That 's not the sort of thing I do in public , like ever . I decided to put my picture up on that singles group and introduce myself again . I also made a list of the many qualities I looked for in a partner . I was surprised and shocked at the number of guys who responded to it ! Many of them lived several states away and the closest one lived maybe 4 hours away in this state . I was not tired and ended up going to bed after midnight . As I stretched out to go to sleep , I felt very content alone in my bed . I was surprised to find that I still lost 0 . 8lbs since I stepped on the scale yesterday morning . Today was good . I had a light day at work so I brought my pile of bills and worked on them . It had been apparently 2 months since I looked at any of my bills and it was even longer for some of them . Thankfully I had the money to pay at least the minimum amount on all of them ! Then I realized that I couldn 't find my wallet . It turned out that I had accidentally dropped it in the parking lot of the grocery store I visited this morning . I called the grocery store and they had found it ! When I went to pick it up , I was surprised and pleased to find that even my money was still in it ! It was very hot and humid today . When I got home from work , I really didn 't have the energy to do anything , so I took a nap . It seems that my 2 hour nap after work and then staying up until midnight seems to be the start of a new sleep schedule for me . I also went running . I waited until the sun started to sink behind the trees in hopes that it would be a little cooler and a little less humid . I tried to take up running again about two years ago to combat the extra weight I had gained due to hypothyroidism . I discovered that the pressure the extra weight had put on my joints , mainly my knees , was very painful and I had to stop running . Today I started to run again . It felt good . I went further than I thought I would , but at a painfully slow pace . Honestly , I think I could have walked the distance faster . But , I did it and that 's the important thing . My knees were sore afterwards . I hope that doesn 't continue into tomorrow . I also made some food , some vegetables this time , to go with all of the meat dishes that I had made . Mood and temperament : My mood shifted . I had some serious problems with depression on the days I didn 't take my pill . Otherwise , things seem to be on a positive swing . The past few days , especially have been just wonderful ! I woke up this morning and it took me a little while to get going . I did though . I got more boxes and did some packing . Then I did some errands and faxed in my application . My errands took me a lot longer than expected and I found myself in rush hour traffic on the way home . All I could think was how I couldn 't wait to move ! I ended up craving fruit all day and that 's mostly what I ate . I wonder how that will affect my scale in the morning . Well , I 'll find out soon enough ! My conversation with Oliver took an interesting turn tonight . He said he was going to look for jobs in my state with the hopes of living nearby me and getting to know me better ! At first I was excited , but then I started to wonder . I mean , he hasn 't even met me yet . Well , I DO look forward to meeting him . If our conversations are any guide , I think we 'll get along just fine , but I guess I was excited but hesitant . I 'm trying very hard to not have any hopes or expectations about meeting him , but it 's so difficult ! |
As I start this sixth chapter , it is March 27 , 1944 . Eva 's LIVING called me today and said he received his draft notice to report to the Army training on April 6th . He said he was worried about breaking the news to his mother . Poor boy , it certainly will be hard on both of them . I have lived to be 85 years old . I have seen the good time and I have seen some very hard times . These times of war are hard times for everyone . My mother had a plaque on her wall , which helped her to cope during her hard times . It read , " God 's grace is sufficient . " Most of my past writings have told of the good times and privileges and pleasures , I have experienced . I now feel that I must tell about some of the difficult , trying , and unhappy times of my life . I feel sorry to have to relate them , but since this is my life story , I feel that I must tell all . I have in a past chapter told about my baby , Nellies death . I want to relate more about her birth , sickness , and death . She was born on September 26 , 1879 and died on June 10 , 1881 . She was one year - 9months - 16days old . She had a fair complexion , golden hair , and large blue eyes . She was a very pretty child with a cute little body . She could walk and had just begun to talk . She called me Ma . She would wake up in the morning and call me to pick her up . When she saw me coming , she would begin kicking and laughing . She and Effie had great times playing house together . Nellie would carry her doll all around and Effie would make up a pretend playhouse near the living room wall . Effie had a little steamer trunk that she played with . Nellie would sit on this trunk and hold her dolly . She looked so cute and it was nice to watch them play . When Nellie was four months old , she , Effie , and I all came down with the measles . Nellie didn 't seem to be getting better as she should . We had the doctor to come see her . She improved slightly but then came down with the lung fever . We called the doctor again . He said the measles had settled on her lungs . After that , even though she got a little better , she had a sick spell about once a month . I always wanted to have her picture taken , but every time I was going to have it taken , she was sick . I just put it off to long and never got a picture at all . We lived way off in the country and it was difficult for me to get her to town . Nellie seemed to have an un - natural appetite . She wanted to eat things that I felt she shouldn 't . I was cooking some greens for dinner and she wanted some of those . I gave her a little and she wanted even more . I was afraid to give her too much , because she was already having trouble with her bowels . After I put her to bed that night , she wanted something more to eat . I got up and got her something and pretty soon she took a high fever . I did all I knew to do for her . She just grew worse and Pa went for the doctor . He came and left medicine but it didn 't do any good . The next morning I tried to bath her but she was so weak that I had to put her back in bed . The doctor told me not to give her water . She was so thirsty , but all she got to drink was her medicine and she just swallowed it right down . She wanted a drink so badly . I prayed , I read the Bible , I tried to find comfort and have faith that she would get well . I finally resigned myself to the Lord 's will . If he wanted to take her Home , I would have to let her go . The next morning , I had the window open near her bed . There was no screen on the window and a little bird flew in and perched on a picture hanging on the wall over her bed . It sat there a bit and then flew out again . I felt so strange almost like that bird was an omen . Nellie grew worse and worse . She suffered so badly that poor little darling . We couldn 't do a thing to relieve her suffering . I sat on the bed with her all night before she died . I knew it was the Lord 's will to take her from her suffering . The next evening , I went to give her some more medicine . She did not pay any attention to me . I saw that she was almost gone . I went out into the front yard and got Pa . We both stood there by the bed and saw the breath leave her little body . We knew the little spirit had gone back to God who had given it . There was just Pa , my sister Dora , Effie , and myself there . We didn 't know what to do . Pa didn 't want to leave for help and leave me alone . We walked out to the front yard and just about then , somOnto another terrible and painful memory of the past on May 5 , 1935 I was staying with Earl and Sue while recovering from an illness ; Earl had taken a drive out east over across the railroad tracks . I don 't remember where he had gone . He apparently came to sort of a blind crossing and the train was coming downhill . The train sometimes doesn 't make much noise when coming from that direction . The train struck Earl 's vehicle and we now feel that he never heard the train coming . We , at the time , didn 't know anything about the accident until the hospital called and told Sue that Earl was there . She went right to the hospital since it was close to their house . One of the neighbors went with her and another stayed with me . When they arrived , they found that he was in awful bad shape . They found out that someone had seen the wreck and had picked him up and taken him to the hospital unconscious . Two days later , he passed away . We telephoned to Los Angeles and Jim and Alta came up right away and they brought Helen and Lillie with them . The day before he died , he regained consciousness and seemed to recognize everyone . The children talked to him and prayed with him . He smiled and seemed to understand what they said . Shortly after that , he was gone . Oh , we all felt so bad and we could hardly realize what had happened . It was awfully hard on Sue . Jim and Alta took Sue to Los Angeles , as she wanted to bury Earl in the Evergreen Cemetery . She had the funeral in Oxnard . After it was all over , she had to go back home and take up the responsibility of carrying on the business . It was very hard on her and she wasn 't strong . She didn 't know a thing about the business . Earl was a good businessman and had never required that Sue learn anything about it . The Lord came to her rescue and it was wonderful how she got along with it all . She stayed up there until Thanksgiving and then decided to move to Los Angeles . I think she moved to El Monte and took up housekeeping with Eva . They rented a nice house and lived there for sometime . Later I have said so much about Eva and I living together after she was Married , and of her living with various other sister 's , etc . I never mentioned her husband during these times and I know whoever might be reading this at a later date , might wonder what the trouble was . Well , I will try to explain the circumstances . After Eva and Mahlon were married , they lived with me in my home for several months . They then went to Highland Park and stayed with Walter and Helen . While staying there , Mahlon , one Sunday evening , told Eva that he was going to get a newspaper . She thought nothing unusual about that . Well it came on dark and he had not come back . In fact he did not come back all night . She called John and Efffie at the Mission and told them what had happened . They came right over . Everyone was afraid that something had happened to him . They thought he might have been hurt or killed . They called the hospital but they had no news of him . More time went by and still no word came of his whereabouts . We all didn 't know what to do . Sue and Earl came down from Oxnard for support . Mahlon was such a good fellow and to our knowledge had never been in any trouble . It was really all very strange . He was gone a total of nine days and then came back . He wouldn 't explain to us much about where he had been . Things settled down and they rented a house on 56th St . in Highland Park . He went back to his job and they seemed to be getting along just fine . They had a baby and named him LIVING . When LIVING was 8 months old , a woman came from the East to my home . She was looking for Mahlon Hunsinger . I was not home as I had rented the house out . I was living with Effie at the time . The tenant got a hold of me and told me about this woman and her inquiry . The woman in the meantime went to the Missions where my sister worked . My sister told her where Mahlon worked . The woman told my sister that Mahlon had a wife and several children back East . The woman went to Mahlon 's work and told him who she was . She told Mahlon to send his wife some money . Another sadness in my life came during the marriage of Walter and Stella . They seemed to be happily married for a number of years . We all loved Stella and Johnnie and got along fine with them . I used to enjoy making rugs and crocheting with Stella . One time we made quilts . We finished two and pieced and set them together for a third . She seemed to love to do this kind of work . One day her former husband appeared but Walter wasn 't aware of her seeing him . I guess she was seeing him for quite awhile . She told Walter that she wanted to go back to him . He had made her many wonderful promises . He wanted to get his son Johnnie back also . Johnnie was only a child and didn 't realize what was happening . He had been only a baby when the father had left them . Walter was terribly hurt and told Stella to go on back to her ex - husband . He made a mistake right there for that left Stella with the impression that he didn 't care . She took another couple of weeks to finally make up her mind . Walter then had a change of heart and tried desperately to get her to stay with him . He was awfully broken up about the situation . She finally left with her former husband . Walter came and stayed nights with us for a while . I tried to comfort him the best I could . There , apparently , had been no trouble between them except for the small little difference that go with everyday life . Walter disposed of all the household goods . He had had a good business in an oil station and he let that go . The depression came and we all had a hard time . Some time after that we heard that Stella was in San Francisco and that she wasn 't with the former husband . Sue and Helen went to the Fair in San Francisco and they visited Stella . She , to this day , still sends me birthday cards and Christmas cards . I write to her and tell her I would love to see her . Johnnie loves us and comes to see us . He is now in the Army and oversees . We hear from him quite often . He feels that we are his people . I love him like a grandchild and he calls me grandma . I feel very sorry for the Lillie 's marriage has caused me much grievance . My dear daughter has suffered and I have suffered with her . We thought the man Lillie married , Walter Plumb , was alright before they married . But they had trouble from the very beginning of their married life . He was so disagreeable that she hardly knew what to do with him at times . She did the best she could or knew how . Walter was a good worker and he had a good trade and made considerable money . He did good in providing for his family . This was a comendable thing about him . He had a nature , however , that was had to cope with . She did the best she could with him and they ended up having eight children . They lost a baby daughter , Barbara , when she was 2 ½ . She was a sweet child and had to endure great suffering and later died in the hospital . This was exceptionally hard on Lilly with all the rest that she had to bear . The Lord came to her help and she bore her problems with Christian grace . Lillie had a cheerful disposition . When LIVING and LIVING were about grown , Walter began drinking . When he was drinking , he couldn 't be trusted and the boys worried about what he might do . They told their mother that they wouldn 't stay home if she didn 't do something . She didn 't want them to leave so she decided to separate from Walter . Prior to the separation , Lillie had a nervous breakdown . Jim and Alta took her from her home to a dear friend and she stayed there for awhile until she felt better . She then came to Effie 's and she and Eva took up housekeeping in my house - the big one was empty at the time . Lillie had all the little children with her and the three boys stayed with Walter in the home . Walter kept after her to come home and I don 't know what kind of promises he made . He came to me one time and asked me if I would forgive him . I suppose he thought I would hold it against him for the way he had been treating Lillie . I hardly knew what to say . He really hadn 't done anything to me personally . I told him that I would forgive his actions , since I was a good Christian . There are some things I want to tell about that happened while we lived in Whittier . Some of it I have missed in earlier chapters . This story is about Walter when he was little . My mother always thought so much of Walter . One time she saw a picture in an advertisement of a magazine and she cut it out . She thought the picture looked just like Walter . She framed it . The little boy did look a lot like Walter with golden curls and happy face . When he was three years old , mother made him a little kilt - suit . She took him to have his picture taken in the outfit . I let him wear his long curls until he was four years old . Finally I made him a little pair of pants and then cut off his curls . He said he didn 't ever want to wear his kilt suit again because it looked like a skirt . Whenever the girls wanted him to do something that he didn 't want to do , all they had to do was threaten him with putting that skirt back on him . He was ready to do anything not to have to wear that skirt again . He loved his little pair of pants and he would walk down the street with his hands in his pockets just as proud as he could be . He sure looked cute . Now I will skip back to Jasper County , Missouri . I remember one day mother and I and some other neighbor woman all went down to Spring River to gather black berries . We were walking along a path in the weeds and I was the leader . Some one behind me saw a rattle snake all coiled up under a clump of bushes just ahead of where I was walking . It was just ready to strike . They grabbed me and pulled me out of the way . We all left hurriedly . If that snake had struck me with its poison fangs , I would no doubt have been killed . There was no doctor near where we lived . I am sure the Lord protected me than , as he has many times since , of my life . A friend of ours , names Luke Mayfield , went down to his corn crib one evening to get some corn . It was just about dark . He put his hand through a little door on one side of the crib and a snake struck him on the wrist . He took a chicken and tore it open alive and took out the entrails . He bound them in place onto his wrist and then took a shot of whiskey . Somehow he got better . The Lord must have had something to do with it or I 'm sure he would have died . After that , we always carried a butcher knife with us when we went to pick berries . One time when we lived in Missouri , my father bought a wagon load of crockery ware . He got one of mother 's cousin 's boy named Fred Schafer , to take this load of crockery up to Pearidge and try to sell it . He thought that people up there in the mountains , would perhaps buy most of it . Fred , his lady friend and her son , and I all set off to try to sell this crockery and see a little of the countryside at the same time . We didn 't turn out to be very good sale people or peddlers . We only sold a little to one family . We did have a lovely trip . We did miss one area that I wanted to see . It was a famous battleground area from the Civil War . My father had fought at the battle of Pearidge . I always felt badly that I hadn 't got to visit these grounds . I now want to tell you about my experience with my bad teeth . From the time I was a young woman , I had been a toothache sufferer for years . When I was working for the people at Lyngrove , Iowa , the lady got very sick . Her husband sent Jake to fetch the doctor . Jake told the doctor to also bring a tool along for removing a bad tooth . The doctor came and delivered this lady 's baby . He stayed all night and remained for breakfast . I served him his breakfast and he asked me if I was the one who needed the tooth removed . I played dumb and told the doctor that I didn 't know a thing about it . Well I was really peeved to think that Jake had taken so muck authority about telling the doctor about my tooth . I was also a big coward and afraid to let that doctor pull my tooth . I now know that I was being very naughty and should have been grateful to Jake for his concern at the time . He was always so good to look after my needs . I didn 't know how to appreciate his goodness until after he was gone . My teeth problems continued after we moved to California . We were living in Whittier and oh haw I suffered . There wasn 't any dentist in Whittier at that time . There was a dentist from Pasadena who came to Whittier at certain times . He would stay for several days and do dental work for people . Jake went to town one day and saw that the dentist was visiting . He went to see him and told him about my needing work and asked if he would come to our house . Jake knew that I would never go see him at his office . Jake came home and told me about what had taken place and that the dentist was coming to next day to see me . I don 't remember exactly what I said to him . I knew that I was trapped and had better make up my mind . Sure enough the next afternoon , the dentist came . He was very pleasant and tried to talk to me and help me feel better . I walked outdoors by myself . I thought to myself that sooner or later , something had to be done and I would never have a better chance than now . I made up my mind that I would try it and I told him so . Well he One time , several years ago , Aunt Dora and her oldest son , Charlie , were living at Long Beach . I went down to make a visit with her but I had not written and told her that I was coming . When I got there , she wasn 't home . She had gone to Whittier to visit her daughter , Ethel . She had another son named Harry and he lived not to far from her house . So , I went over to Harry 's I stayed with them for supper . There place was to small for me to stay overnight . There was nothing for me to do only to go back to Aunt Dora 's and stay alone in a strange place . Harry 's wife , Genevieve , went with me to let me in the house . After I got in , I looked around . I went to the bathroom and saw this fire lit under the tank I noticed that the bathtub hadn 't been emptied and know one had turned off the fire under the tank . I was afraid to go to bed and leave that fire going . I didn 't know that might happen because I wasn 't familiar with those new fangled tanks or how they worked . I wondered what I should do . It was to last to go back to tell Harry . I was afraid to try to turn it off . Well , I thought I would let the water out of the bathtub and when I did that , the flame got even larger . I felt I had made matters worse . I just didn 't know about the workings of those automatic heaters . After a short while , the flame got small again . I trusted the Lord could take care of me and I made ready and went to bed . Aunt Dora came home the next day and I had a visit with her . That morning we went and visited a neighbor lady whom we had known in Missouri . Her name was Mrs . Stith . Her father was a Quaker preacher named Jerry Hubbard . I was so glad to see her since I hadn 't talked to her since we were young girls . It 's always a real treat for me to see old friends like that . Many of my relatives and friends are gone . I don 't know why I have been spared but the Lord knows and has a purpose in sparing my life . My life has been lived and I can 't change many of the things that I would like to . I mean to put in the rest of my years in service for the Lord inAnother sadness in my life was in 1935 when my dear brother , Alva died . He and I enjoyed our childhood together so much . I loved him almost like my own life . I loved all my brothers and sisters , but I felt a special love for Alva . Oh , I always felt that I couldn 't bear to see him go . The Lord wonderfully helped me when I had to look on his dear face for the last time . Al 's wife had become so feebleminded that one of their daughter 's was taking care of her in her home . Al lived alone and was doing for himself as best he could . He had become so deaf that he could hardly hear . He was always cheerful and full of fun . He never complained about his problems . One day his land - lady heard him fall out in the hallway and she went to check . She couldn 't get him up so she called for some help from the fellows at the store nearby . They picked him up but he was gone . We didn 't find out about it for three days . The people at the rooming house didn 't know how to contact us . Finally the authorities found and notified us . I was shocked and in hopes that it was a mistake . We went to the mortuary and they gave us his clothes and we prepared for the funeral . A friend of ours took charge of everything and we had a nice funeral for him and buried him by my father in the Whittier Cemetary . Another sadness I want to tell about was regarding my father . As I have told earlier , father was not well and was very difficult for mother to take care of , as time went on . She finally took him to the soldier 's home at Sawtelle in West Los Angeles . As you know , he had been a soldier in the Civil War and was entitled to the benefits of this old soldier 's home . She had spoken to him about going there some time before , but he hadn 't wanted to go . She went and made all the arrangements . He was almost helpless at that time . Mother had to feed him and wait on him almost like a baby . Alva helped her quite a bit with him . They had to lift him , pull him , and move him all around . They just got worn out . She bought a little place on Sawtelle and moved in to be near him . She was allowed to see him any time . I spent some time with her and went to visit him . They put him in a wheel chair and took him out doors to enjoy the sun . He was so much better off than he had been at home . After a time he got really bad and couldn 't even talk . He passed away . We felt sad to think he was gone and we could never have him with us any more . We were glad , however , that he didn 't have to suffer anymore . Life had become a burden for him . I was afraid that mother would collapse or something . But it was wonderful the way she took it . It makes me weep as I write this story to remember him . He was always so good to everybody . Mother still remained in her place on Sawtelle . Mother remained a widow for five years . She met an old soldier named James Young . He was living at the soldier 's home . And was a very nice old man . They got married and moved in mother 's little house . Sometimes he took some meals at the soldier 's home but most of the time , he stayed with mother in her place . Well I wasn 't very much pleased to see her get married again . I was selfish , I guess . I had asked her after father 's death to come and live with me and the children . I hadn 't realized that she was getting along in years and couldn 't stand all the confusion that one has with Mother and Mr . Young were married about two years when she had an accident . She got her finger caught in the front door and cut it badly . She just wrapped a handkerchief around it and went on downtown . She got a serious infection and then got really sick . I went to help take care of her . She didn 't seem to get any better and in fact , got worse . The doctor came and saw her but he couldn 't do any good . An abcess formed under her arm from the wound on the finger . She grew worse and worse and one evening , just after dark , she passed away . We watched her until the breath left her . I felt so bad . Many times , after her passing , I think of something that happened years ago , and I wish I could share it with my mother . Mr . Young insisted that we bury her a the Sawtelle Cemetery . |
Warning : This is not a fun story . In fact , it could be considered scary and may trigger unpleasant feelings , memories , or emotions . If you feel stalking is a sensitive subject , please skip reading the rest of this and go do something light - hearted that will bring you joy , like watching kittens eat ice cream . I refer to myself as a stalker all the time . Part of that is me being tongue - in - cheek about my job which often involves finding information about authors and artists . The other part , though , is to make stalkers a little less scary to me . I know it 's not a funny topic , I know how serious it is . I 've been stalked twice . Each time I was lucky enough to walk away physically unscathed but both were terrifying encounters . Every once in awhile , someone is upset by the way I loosely throw the term about . She ( yes , always she ) tells me that it 's not a joking matter , that women , children , and men are stalked and sometimes even hurt , that it 's a terrible situation and I should not make light of it . I know all that and I agree but I want to take away some of its power to create unreasonable fear , I don 't want the idea of being stalked to become a monster under my bed and devaluing the term is how I do that . I read a blog post awhile back in which the topic was employees not wanting their last names on nametags or their pictures on the company 's intranet because they feared it would encourage stalking . The author is a male manager and was making a case for names and pictures but got some pushback because his readers felt he didn 't understand the risk of being stalked and worried he was endangering his personnel . Per usual , I rode the fence in my reply but I pointed out that nametags and stalking aren 't related . Stalkers don 't see your name and decide to stalk you . If you 've got a stalker , then there 's a good chance your name is already in the database , along with your eye color , your shoe size , your pets ' names , and pictures of you taken from behind the shrubbery across the street . Similarly , while there is a chance someone could be browsing the intranet at work to find potential victims , the likelihood of that happening is probably fairly low . I don 't work law enforcement and I 'm not part of the " Criminal Minds " team so I have no stats to back me up . All I have is two stalkers in my past and neither of them followed me home because they saw my name on a badge or because they found my picture online ( to be fair , that would have been impossible at the time as " online " was very rudimentary ) The first stalker was a guy who was at college with me . I encountered him in a math class one summer and I didn 't like him . He and his friend sat in front of me and they were both jerks , loud and disruptive , disrespectful ; they talked throughout most of the lectures and no one stood up to them , not even the teacher . I 've mentioned my Longest - Running - Friend , April . She and I both attended the same college for our undergraduate studies . She had another friend there who became involved with a MUD ( think text - based World of Warcraft ) and got her involved so she , in turn , got me involved . I deny geekdom but I will say that I loved that game . I found a tight - knit community there and I still keep in touch with a couple of the other former players but it was also a dangerous place : I was sitting in a computer lab one day ( do those even still exist ? ) , happily running around this imaginary world when I got a private message from one of the players saying something about how nice I looked . I did the / lookself command to see what I was wearing , made some cutesy remark that was relevant , and went on my way . But then I got a scary message in return , one that said , " No , not in game . In real life , " and he proceeded to describe what I was wearing . I looked around the room , alarmed , but also intrigued . I did not yet have a sense of internet - self - preservation , I don 't think I quite believed anyone was out to do me harm . Also , because I 'd never been popular with boys , I was sort of flattered that one had noticed me , despite the fact I was married . Then I saw him - the disruptive student from the summer math class . He was staring intently at his monitor but I could see what was on the screen . It was the MUD . The ass from class was the player who 'd just told me I looked nice . He knew who I was . He also knew where I worked , when and where I had class , and which computer labs I frequented . He 'd waited until he had all that information before he even introduced himself to me . I suddenly had my own fanboy . As it happened , we saw each other often because we hung out with the same crowd though once we 'd established that " I know you " connection , he began to take liberties . For instance , one 4th of July , The Gang all got together in a park to hang out and watch fireworks . My friend and I got there late and were walking toward the group when the Fanboy saw me , came running over and picked me up in a fireman 's carry . This was the first overt physical move he 'd made toward me and I was not comfortable ; maybe he was being too possessive , too rough , but probably it was because I don 't want people I don 't like carrying me around . I shrieked like a girl , pretended it was all a lark , then asked to be let down . He didn 't listen . I stood up in his arms , went rigid , and demanded to be let down . No dice . Some of the guys in the group finally had to tell him to knock it off . He put me back on the ground , overly gently , then was angry and hostile toward me for the rest of the evening . After that , I tried to stay as far away from him as I could , but you know what ? He wasn 't doing anything wrong and I was probably just being an overly - sensitive girl … is how I rationalized it all . None of us really took it seriously . Come fall semester , I had a late class and one night , he waited for me , intending to follow me to my car . I didn 't want to be alone with him in the parking lot . Luckily , the library was still open so I ran in there , waited until Fanboy left , asked one of the male librarians to walk me to my car then arranged for a security guard to do so for the rest of the semester . Even so , Fanboy found out which car I drove and he eventually followed me home which was scary and irritating but I have to remind you that this all happened before there were laws against stalking . This is also the time to mention that while I don 't buy that a woman " asks for it " by her actions , I do have to take responsibility for my part in this play . I should have drawn a line that night when I realized I was afraid to be alone with this guy yet the more he showed up unexpectedly and the more worried I became , I was still pleasant to his face while being a bitch behind his back . I was too scared of him to stand up for myself , to tell him off , to fight back against his passive aggressive bullying . Do I deserve what I got because of this ? No , but I didn 't do anything to rectify the situation before it got out of hand , either . It 's not like I filed a complaint against him at school or let the security guards continue walking me from classes after that one semester . Could I have stopped his behavior ? Who knows but the point is , I unnecessarily allowed myself to be in uncomfortable situations with this person . While his behavior was certainly not my fault , I am accountable for not taking better care of myself . Time passed and I got divorced . Fanboy got wind of this . He said he 'd help me move . I said I didn 't need help . Moving day came and he showed up at my house . I wasn 't there ; I was on a run to my new apartment . However , my parents were there and they loaded up his truck and gave him directions to my place . And why wouldn 't they ? He said he was a friend from school . He knew my friends ' names , he knew I was moving , why wouldn 't they believe him ? I 'd never told them I was being harassed and he seemed to them like such a nice , young gentleman . He showed up as my team was unpacking at the apartment . I freaked out but what could I do ? Aside from sternly tell him I didn 't need help and then get all my friends to unload his truck , not much . No law against this type of behavior , remember . Not too long after I 'd settled into my new life , he started sleeping in his truck in front of my building so he could watch my place all night . I asked him to stop . He made excuses . I got mad . He started leaving gifts on my doorstep . Roses . Movies I liked . Trinkets . I was weirded out by this but I knew plenty of girls - not my friends , don 't worry - who thought his behavior was highly romantic , they didn 't understand why I wouldn 't date someone so obviously devoted to me but , then , part of their misunderstanding stemmed from me ; every time I told someone about this situation , I made it sound like a harmless story . Anyone who raised objections quickly heard about how it was all under control , not really a problem . I did not realize I was talking myself into a dangerous place by being wilfully ignorant . After nearly a year of this behavior , everything came to a conclusion one winter 's night . I 'd met up with The Gang to see a movie and Fanboy happened to be along . By this time , most of The Gang knew I was having problems with him and they tried to keep us apart but on this particular night , their planning didn 't work out . The movie ended late and it was cold and icy out . Most everyone hurried home . A few stayed to make sure I 'd be ok but we wound up talking until the movie people kicked us out of the lobby . Fanboy was long gone , so my friends went home , too . I walked to my car and , oddly , there was Fanboy 's empty truck . I got in my car , went to start it , and it wouldn 't turn over . It had frozen because it had sat too long in the cold . This had happened to me before so I wasn 't worried , I knew what to do . I got out of my car and set off to walk about a mile across the parking lot to a restaurant where I would call another of my friends to come get me . I didn 't get 10 feet before Fanboy appeared . I don 't know where he 'd come from . One minute , I was fighting my way across the snowy parking lot , alone in the frozen tundra , and the next , he was suddenly beside me . He asked what was wrong . I told him my car was frozen and wouldn 't start . He offered to help . I told him I was fine . He asked if he could at least give it a jump . I said there was help up ahead . Then he leaned over , picked me up , marched over to his truck , opened the passenger side door , and threw me into the cab . Here was my immediate problem : the passenger side door didn 't open from the inside . The manual window roller - downer handle was missing . I couldn 't get out on my side and by the time I realized that , he was getting in the truck from the driver 's side . I started babbling inanely . I don 't know what I said , what I talked about . It was late , nearly midnight and there was no one on the roads , no one to ask for help . We were driving through the icy night out of town . It was beautiful out , the moon was up and the pine trees were frosted and sparkling . It was bright and cold , so cold that the stars shone exceptionally loudly . He parked the truck and I figured it was time to fight . He looked at me . I looked at him . And then he got out of the truck . He shut the door and walked away . I could have escaped , I could have jumped out his side and run , but I didn 't . There was no reason to . If he wanted to rape me , to hurt me , to kill me , he 'd be able to catch me . He was bigger , faster , and I couldn 't hide with all that moonlight reflecting off the snow . And even if I could , it was sub - zero up there on that mountain and I was just wearing a little jacket I 'd thrown on because I 'd expected to not be caught out in the weather ; I would freeze to death pretty quickly . I figured my best chances would be to stay in the cab and fight . I looked for something I could use as a weapon . I had a pen . It would have to do . I should have worn boots ; why do young women do that , not wear the appropriate attire for the weather ? I had on Keds . Keds and my little jacket . I was not prepared . He stood outside , many yards off , looking at the night sky . I wonder if it was as beautiful to him as it was to me . I wonder if he even saw it . After about half an hour - and I admit I was hoping he 'd get hypothermia and die so I could take his keys and drive back down to a police station - he returned to the truck . He got in , started it up , turned the heat up , and drove us back out of the mountains , down to the city , and over to my apartment . We didn 't say a thing between us . I just laid down on the seat , feet still pointing at him so I could kick if needed , and … did nothing . Well , I probably shook a lot . I don 't remember getting out of the truck , or walking up the stairs . I don 't know how I got the key in the door or found the light switches . He didn 't stay outside my apartment that night . I sat on the couch and listened to him drive away . I called my friend , the one who would have come to save me had I just made it over to the restaurant , and told him what happened . He asked if I was ok and I said that I was , though I wasn 't but I may have been in shock . I didn 't sleep until the sun came up and I 'd just dozed off when there was a knock at my door . That scared the hell out of me . But it was my friend with food and a warm vehicle . We went to the mall and got my car and he stayed with me all day and then took me to his place for the night . I think I stayed there a few days , actually , until I felt confident in being alone again . I did tell some of of the people in my gang a watered - down version of what happened to me and they were furious . The good thing about being one of three girls in a group of geeky guys is that the ones who aren 't creeps are fiercely protective of their own , at least that was the case with my friends . I don 't know what they did or said , I never found out , but I also never saw or heard from the Fanboy again . I know he hated me after that , I heard the gossip from the group 's outer fringe , but at least I was safe . The second stalker found me in Korea . He lived a block over from me - n - April and had been watching us walk around the neighborhood for weeks , maybe months . Of course , we stood out as we are both very not - Korean but most of the people in the neighborhood ignored us or got used to us . We had no idea we were being watched . I don 't remember ever seeing the guy before the day we met . One Sunday , while April was at Church , I was in the corner store getting some emergency supplies . Milk ? I dont remember , only I wasn 't happy at being there because I didn 't like the guy who ran the place . But our store was closed and I needed my items right away . In retrospect , it was something trivial and piddling , not worth the hassle it brought about . A customer walked up to the counter and handed over money . I thought he was buying something during my transaction because sometimes people are rude like that . Turns out , he was buying my purchase for me . The cashier handed me my bag and wouldn 't take my money . He wouldn 't look at me , either . He just gave me my stuff and shut me down . Someone else had to tell me that the guy next to me had just paid for my items . I looked at my " benefactor " - he was a bit taller than I , scruffy , wearing long boxers and a tank top . He had socks and blue plastic slides on his feet , the kind everyone in Korea kept by their doors so they could just slip them on and run outside . They became popular Stateside several years later . I still hate them . The guy was being all nonchalant . He bought himself a few giant beers and some cigarettes and was talking to the cashier . I put the bag back on the counter and left the store . A few moments later , I heard behind me , " America ! America ! " The guy from the store came flapping up in his stupid shoes , handing me the bag . I didn 't take it and I didn 't look at him . He blathered at me , speaking crazy Konglish . He explained he lived the next block down , that he saw us all the time . How did I like Korea ? I kept walking . I walked past my doorway , past my building . He talked some more . He 'd been in the war , he was a veteran . He just wanted to talk . He kept pushing the bag at me . He said if I took it , he 'd leave me alone . I believed him , though . After I 'd had enough harassment , I took the bag . I bowed and thanked him . I watched him walk away . I turned and slowly walked back to my building . I looked back to see if he was still there . He wasn 't . I dashed in and hurried up the stairs . Our apartment was on the top floor . It used to be a chicken coop . I 'm not kidding . I got up there , the door hinges screamed my presence and the flapping footsteps sped up . I got in , threw the bag across the room and locked myself in . The guy made it to our apartment and banged on the door . It was sturdy metal and the surrounding walls were concrete . I knew he couldn 't get in . I didn 't know the door to the garden was unlocked , though . After a few minutes of yelling and pounding , he quieted down . I thought he went away until I heard him push the rooftop door open . My heart fell out of my ribcage and down into my stomach : Terror . I ran to the kitchen window in time to seem him walk onto the terrace . It was the middle of summer and we kept all our windows open . They didn 't have screens . He could crawl right in . I hurried to shut and lock the kitchen window but I didn 't make it to the next window fast enough . I raced into April 's room and the guy was climbing in , hoisting himself over the sill . He was fast . By the time I turned the corner and made it back to the kitchen , he was right behind me . I was cornered . There was a knife on the table next to him but I 'd have to reach past him to get it . He sat at the kitchen table and started talking to me . He kept pointing at our rooms , asking about the beds , who slept in them . I don 't know if he was asking how many people lived there or whether or not I was a prostitute and could we get down to business . I just stared at him and told him I didn 't understand and I wanted him to leave . I watched my knife over his shoulder . It had killed cockroaches before and I thought it might be willing to take this guy 's eye if I could only get to it . He wanted me to pour him a beer . He mimed how I should do it . I said no . He reached down to his feet , grabbed the bag I 'd dropped , and took out a giant beer which he put on the table ( he 'd obviously expected to come over since he 'd put his groceries in with mine before handing me the bag ) He was firm in his request . I would pour him a beer . I shook my head . He pointed at a clean glass and I handed it to him . I am a sucker . He grabbed my wrist and hauled me to him . He put the beer in my hand , wrapped my other hand around it and with his hands covering mine , made me pour him beer in the proper underling fashion . Then he made me sit . I sat and watched . I watched him drink , I watched the giant beer , I looked at the knife just out of reach . When the glass was empty , I poured some more beer . He asked about the bedrooms again and I shook my head . I told him I had a boyfriend which was technically true , just not one in the country and certainly not one in the building . He talked some more . He poured his own beer next , finishing it off . He asked if he could come see me again . I told him he could not . He stood up , I jumped up , and he left , just like that , right out the front door like a guest . I got on the phone , called my boss , yelled at him , the boss called the landlady and the landlady was at my door in no time . She apologized profusely , she asked what he looked like . I told her . I 'm afraid I described every scruffy Korean man older than 30 . That didn 't give her much to go on . She promised to keep that door locked , to keep an eye on us , to not let it happen again . So , yeah . I was lucky and walked away terrified but unharmed from a stalking situation twice ; I understand that stalking is not funny , it 's not something to be taken lightly . I also know that if I don 't laugh about it , I will live in fear for the rest of my life and I am not ready to do that . So I joke , I call myself a stalker , I call my work " stalking " and I pray that more and more tools are put into the arsenal for people to use when protecting themselves against real stalkers because no one should ever have to go through something like that . 13 responses to " Stalkers : A serious post " Jeneral Insanity July 24 , 2013 at 12 : 13 PM Holy flying crap - monkeys ! I joke about being a stalker all the time as well , but it really is serious business . Those are some scary - ass stories right there ! I got the willies just reading them , so I can 't even imagine how you felt at the time ! Well , I sort of can . I had an ex boyfriend that would stalk me during my short stint in community college . He would show up to my classes , pop his head in the door ( or even worse - just stare through the window ) to make sure I wasn 't sitting next to another man . Because - obviously - sitting next to someone means that you 're sleeping with them . He was a man - whore , and assumed that I was out doing the same thing he was . One night , he was SO convinced that I was cheating on him that he called my cell phone and told me that he was following me and was going to " kick my ass for cheating on him . " I had my two young ( 1 and 3 years old at the time ) kids with me and almost no gas in the car . Scared that he would kill me if I stopped to fill my tank , I just kept driving . Up into the mountains I went and got myself lost . The battery on my phone was nearly dead . Eventually , I lost him throughout all of the twists and turns , but also had no idea where I was . I stopped and used the last of my phones battery to have my dad Google a map to tell me how to get home , but the phone cut off while he was explaining it to me . I drove around until I found a house ( it was almost midnight at that point ) and banged on the door , begging them to let me use the phone and asking if they possibly had some gas I could " borrow . " Luckily , they saw past my hysterics and felt for me . They gave me 5 gallons of gas and drew me a map back to town . And holy hell ! Your stalker is freaky , moreso in that he may pop up at any moment ! Gah ! For your sake and the sake of your family , I hope he gets struck by lightning and has his synapses fried and never remembers who you are after that . The worst part about these stalker stories is that when you tell one , a dozen women all chime in with their equally horrid stories . Why ? Why do we all have to go through this ? How is that even ok ? This shouldn 't be a rite of passage , it just shouldn 't happen with this kind of frequency . We should not all be terrified of other people because we 've had first - hand experience at how scary people can be . Stupid non - utopian society . Reply Tyler J . Yoder July 25 , 2013 at 3 : 41 PM I thought I could handle it . I wish I had a charming , eloquent story instead of a scary , vaguely lame one . I 'm fine . Those aren 't my big triggers so I thought that I 'd be fine , and I am , really . No worries . Reply ekgo July 25 , 2013 at 8 : 55 AM Thank you both , Le Jeneral & Tyler . I drafted this a long time ago but didn 't upload it to WordPress for the longest time . Even after I did , it sat in my drafts folder for a good month . It was supposed to go out after the shaving cream story but I kept finding other stuff to post , instead . Nothing in particular made me put it up this week but after I scheduled it and went home , knowing it would be live the next day , I fretted . I don 't even know why . Maybe I didn 't want to come across as a whiny " poor me " person , especially since nothing terribly bad happened to me , unlike countless others who are stalked and then have people killed in their name or are killed , themselves . I also didn 't want to seem insincere and I didn 't want to start anything - like backlash from people who have had bad things happen to them at the hands of stalkers - but I figured that no one would actually read it , either , because it 's not delightful and who wants to read about stalkers ? Apparently 55 people do because that 's how many hits it got yesterday ( typically , a new post gets between 15 - 30 hits the day it comes out unless there 's a picture of a cat which will push it up into the 40 's ) and people are still reading it today . But it made me feel a whole hell of a lot better to see both your comments because that 's like support and I didn 't know I needed support for this . But you did and thank you for giving it . Support , I mean . Reply mishasan7 August 20 , 2013 at 7 : 44 AM You don 't come across as a ' poor me ' kind of person at all , it wasn 't NOTHING , it was scary - it scared me , especially that bit about hearing the guy coming up the stairs behind you . How dare he ? It was also quite surreal and even , disturbingly , a little bit funny , I mean , being chased by a stalker flapping around in slippers ? I made an awkward , weird noise when I pictured that … what the fuck ! But anyhow - yeah . Both of those experiences were terrifying . Oddly , it makes me feel a lot better to know that nothing like this has happened to you because that means not every person has had to deal with this crap . That , in turn , means maybe the world isn 't as scary as I think it is . And this makes me feel good . So thank YOU for that little internet hug ! I needed it this week . And on the flappity noise of the Korean dude 's slides : SO funny ! But weird ! I mean , why should flappity sounds become a thing of terror ? And yet , I could envision his socked feet in the stupid , ugly shoes , smacking their way up the stairs and it really was as funny as it was horrifying ! Reply ekgo August 22 , 2013 at 9 : 26 AM Total derailment : OMG ! Those are dragonflies on a lamp in your avatar ! ! I LOVE DRAGONFLIES ! ! ! Reply Don 't be shy ! I 'd love to get a comment from you ! Maybe one or maybe two - Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Oh good Sim Creator my sister is a teenager . Dad and I are going to be in a world of trouble now . Neither of us has the know - how to deal with an adolescent female let alone a back talking , bitter one . Parley aged up beautifully ; although her birthday was quite a sad sight . Dad and I , after reminding him several times that it was Parley 's birthday , stayed up late the night before decorating the dining room , making her a cake and wrapping her gifts . The plan was to have a great birthday breakfast and since it was also Saturday we would take her to the art museum . I thought she would like it because she liked to draw . However all my hard planning was a waist when she descended the stairs on her birthday , looked at the decorations , scrunched her noise , grabbed a banana and a orange and went back upstairs and shut herself in her room . I tried to get her out of her room several times , but she just didn 't want anything to do with us so dad and I went to the art museum and left her at home . At some point when we were gone she did gather her gifts . I just hope she liked them . The weeks following her birthday she had become a scorpion ; her attitude was the sting and her words were the venom . She was disrespectful and rude to dad and I most of the time . Dad didn 't seem to really notice it , wow what a shock , and I just couldn 't stand to be around her much . We had been in A . P . long enough for her to make friends , but she was always complaining about how stupid or hick she thought the kids in her class were . I was sick of her thinking she was better than everyone else and just her whole attitude . She become more isolated from people and family . I felt bad , but what could I do ? I was her brother not her parent . " I 'm really sorry . I know you were keen on these lessons , but we just can 't swing it . " He was sincere , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . I wanted to scream at him that he needed to do more for this family , that he needed to be more responsible , but I kept my mouth shut . As hard as it was to be the " man " of the house I couldn 't image how I would act if the love of my life died . Everyone dealt with it differently , I just hopped that someday dad would be more connected again . " Okay dad . Thanks for checking . " I was disappointed and upset and Cherry and I headed to my room . That night I decided that I would look for a part time job . If dad couldn 't buy me my drums and lessons I would do it myself . Until I could I could keep using the set in the music room to practice on during my free hour . The following Saturday I got earlier then most Saturday 's and as I ate my bowl of cereal I perused the paper to see if there were any advertisements for jobs . The paper didn 't turn up any jobs , but I didn 't let that discourage me . As I left the house I saw my dad 's catch set out ready to be taken to the market . I grabbed the bucket and thought to myself that the market would be the perfect place to start looking for a job . With a smile on my face I set off for town . That evening I came home as the sun sank beyond the land . I was exhausted and jobless . I had filled out about a dozen applications and everyone of them told me that they would put it on file , but currently they weren 't hiring . I felt slightly discouraged , but I wasn 't going to give up . I wanted that drum set very badly . So I decided that the following weekend I would try again . I would have tried on Sunday , but I was taking Cherry to the park for a day of Frisbee and fun . The next morning after breakfast I packed my backpack a clicked the leash onto Cherry 's collar and we set off to the park . It was one of my free days where I wasn 't taking care of others needs and I wanted it to last so Cherry and I took a new route to the park . It was such a good choice the walk was beautiful and the sun felt great . We came upon a farmhouse and I noticed a sign at the end of the driveway that said " Hiring " . I looked at Cherry and thought what the heck it wouldn 't hurt to see what kind of work is needing to be done . We started up the driveway and when I saw an elderly made working in a very plush apple orchard I told Cherry to sit and stay and started to approach the man . I patted my leg and Cherry ran to my side and the man met us half way . Bending down he allowed Cherry to smell his hand before he ran his thin fingers through the fur of her head . " Beautiful dog you have . " He stood up smiling . " Ah … good good . Well my name is Dr . Wilmont Fantrain and I 'm a veterinarian . I own the clinic down town , but here I run an animal boarding house and rescue . I also live here . I 'm looking for a trustworthy person to help me out around here cleaning horse stalls , feeding and walking the dogs , grooming and caring for the cats as well as the other animals we have here . I have one assistant here , her name is Kora , but we find ourselves obtaining more and more animals so I need more help . Dr . Fantrain stroked his chin as he thought about it . " Most weekends for sure , but I may need you at times during the week . Are you interested ? " Crossing his arms over his chest he gave me another smile . His smile was comforting and made you feel at ease . " What is your dog 's name ? " " Well Ms . Cherry would be welcome to come with you on the weekends . It would be nice for the other animals to be exposed to other animals . This is if you are interested in the job . " I was interested . I loved animals and this sounded like the perfect job for me . Granted cleaning up horse doo - doo and dog doo - doo wasn 't on my top ten things to do , but this could lead into bigger opportunities and would be a chance to learn from Dr . Fantrain . Ever since I got Cherry I had thought about become a veterinarian and now I was talking to one about a job . It seems like luck was turning my way . Dr . Fantrain told me what he paid and that payday was every Friday . We shook hands and I left with a promise to see him the following weekend . With a sense of accomplishment Cherry and I finished our walk to the park . All week I had been looking forward to Saturday and getting one step closer to my dreams . I made sure all my homework was done on Friday night and went to bed early . Nothing was going to stop me from doing a good job . The day was full of hard work and it was long , but also a lot of fun . I learned that Dr . Fantrain was a widower . His wife had died five years prior in a car accident . Ever since he had surrounded himself with the things he loved to remind him that life is happy , but short . He opened up his property as a boarding center for animals about a year after his wife 's death , and the residences of A . P . took well to it leaving their pets in his care when they went out of town for holiday 's or long weekends . However , when people started to report strays and abandoned pets around town he began to take them in and care for them . The place ran on donations and his money from the clinic . About three weeks after I started working I got home a little early on a Sunday afternoon and decided to make something special for dinner . Normally it was something quick and easy because I was so tired after work . I was cutting up the vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring . I knew Parley was in the living room watching some dark cartoon so I yelled out at her , " Parley , get the door . " " No Man , I wasn 't . " I lead him into the kitchen so I could continue dinner . " So what are you doing here and why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " " Old man sour requested to move here ? Why ? " I was dumbfounded Mr . Sour wasn 't the friendliness guy around and he seemed pretty content in Riverview . " Believe it or not my dad has changed some . I asked if his job had a location in or around Appaloosa Plains . When I found out that there was a location here I begged and pleaded for him to put in for a transfer , and finally I wore him out and he did . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . " He popped another carrot in his mouth . I snapped the book shut and pitched it across my room , causing the book to ricochet off the door and fall face open on the floor . How dare they write this stuff about my mother ? What gave them the right ? Oh I forgot it has the word unauthorized in the title so that gives them the right . I didn 't need to finish it , I had lived it . She noticed the book on the floor and swooped it up . " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn . " She read the spine of the book and then tossed it onto my nearby desk . An unnatural laugh escaped her lips and she cocked her hip and looked back in my direction . " You finally decide to read that nonsense ? " It came out more like an accusation then a question , but that is what my sister had become ; a cold , sarcastic young woman who would soon be a teenager . " Parley , I 'm not in the mood for you today . Get the hell out of my room ! " I rose to my knees and pointed to the door . Since our mother died I had always tried to be the encouraging older brother , but there were times she pushed my nerves to the core and today was one of them . I looked over at Cherry and saw in her eyes that she wanted something from me , but unlike my father 's request , her 's was doable and reasonable . I reached over and began running my fingers though the soft fur on top of her head . Her stare eased , signaling me that she had forgiven me for shutting her out of my room ; since I found her she had been by my side and that is where she is happiest . She laid her head on my knee and I pulled both my hands behind my head and laid back into my pillow . I had a big decision to make and I had to make is soon . I just recently turned sixteen and with that , as the old saying goes , comes great responsibility . After all my party guests left my father , in one of his lucid moments , sat me down and asked me to take on a great task . He began by explaining to me that Octavia had set out to create a legacy out of the Slughorn name ; one where people would hear the name and admire it and be able to take life lessons from . He went on to tell me that she had decided that she had wanted me to carry on this legacy , and my dad wanted to know if I would take on that challenge . Percy brought along with his steady Margo , and as he stood at the gravesite he could not muster any tears for his departed mother . His heart was crushed and he felt lost without her , but the tears just would not come . Margo just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay . Firefly still kept her distance from Porter , but was there with the girls to allow them to say good - bye to their grandma . Porter 's heart was heavier than most at the funeral for he was dealing with a double loss . He was not allowed to be with the woman he loved and the woman who had raised him when the man who shared his DNA abandoned him was now gone . The only comfort he could find was in Robin and Ana and he tried to rejoice in the blessing he had in his girls . Parley struggled and felt lost . She was the only female of the Slughorn clan and she didn 't know how she would cope without her mother . Without a woman to guide her through all the things she needed to learn . All of us tried to be there for her in the days that followed mom 's death but the only one she seemed to respond to was my best friend and the boy she use to find annoying , Midori Sour . I watched as he held a protective arm around my sister and I just knew she would be okay with him in her life . Even Danger and Misty Zone were there . My father was so against them attending , but Danger convinced him he had a right to be there since he and Octavia had three sons together . Misty acted as if she had lost her best friend . I didn 't understand her reaction because she and mom hadn 't been friends for years . At the end of the service Father Thomas called on Parley . It had been requested by my father that Parley sing the departing song . When he had asked her to do it she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the room and never brought it up again , but now when it was time to step in front of everyone she froze in her spot . I watched as Midori pulled her tight against his chest and wrap his arms protectively around her . He whispered something in her ear and waited for her reply . She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out of his shield of protection and took her place in front of mom 's coffin . She cleared her throat and tried to sing , but the only thing that came out was a strange croaking noise . She bowed her head and wiped more tears from her eyes . After a few seconds she tried again : The house after the funeral was a mad house . Many of those that weren 't allowed in the cemetery showed up with casseroles , and breads and really what they wanted was a glimpse of the inside . They wanted something to gossip about , something to criticize and something to be jealous about . Most got what they wanted especially after the book came out . The rest of us pretty much found our own thing to do . Parley and Midori were out back sitting on the swings , Pax , Jade and Bluebell were busy in the kitchen putting away food and serving some as well . Percy and Margo were held up on the couch talking in low voices amongst themselves and dad was desperately trying to avoid the single women that were now hunting him out . I found myself in a chair with the family photo album on my lap . The day seemed to drag on forever . Two months after we buried Octavia we Slughorn 's had our first birthday . It wasn 't a very festive day . There was no cake , no balloons and really no presents . I felt bad , but when I asked Percy about it he told me he was fine with how it all went down . Lucky for him he has a great gal in Margo and she took him for a picnic lunch in the park . Dad asked Percy to stick around for a while to help him take care of the three of us left at home and he agreed . Dad hadn 't been doing well since mom died . He was growing distant from us and wasn 't providing for us as he did in the past and a month later when the " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn " came out he just about shut down completely . The whole town turned their backs on our family when that awful book came out . It didn 't take long for us to be the talk of the town and not in a good way either . Soon the kids in school started to torment Parley . They would have done the same to me , but I had Midori and I just didn 't care what they thought so when they saw that their teasing didn 't affect me they got bored with it and stopped , but Parley was a different story . She didn 't really have any friends , well except for Midori who was my age and in a different class , and she was very sensitive and the slightest things would set her emotions off . Even though my dad had pretty much tuned out when Parley came home from school upset something made him pay attention to that and finally he had , had enough . It was decided that we would move . For the first time since mom died he became active in researching the best place for our family and plans were made . Months past and it was decided we would move to Appaloosa Plains . The house in Riverview became Percy 's and since Porter had kids he opted to stay with Percy until he was legal to move out on his own , which would be soon after we moved . Moving day came and all of our belongs were packed tight in a moving van in front of the house . It was time to say our good - byes and be on our way . The house was full with family and friends and many hugs , I love you and good lucks were being tossed around , but Parley was nowhere in the mix of things . She hadn 't liked the torture of the other school kids , but she didn 't want to move . She didn 't want to leave her brothers , nieces but most importantly she didn 't want to leave Midori . " There you are . " She wiped away tears as he took her hand . " Come on we need to get you back to say your good - bye 's . " He tried to lead her back but she pulled against him forcing him to stop . She just stared at him . He moved closer to her and brushed her cheek with his hand . " It will be okay . There 's skype , email and texting I will always be there for you Par . " " You 're going to forget all about me when I leave . You are going to find some pretty , normal girl and fall madly in love and I will be but a memory . " Parley sobbed against Midori 's back . Midori slowly turned around and looked her in her eyes . " You 're such a silly girl . Do you know that ? Did I let the fact that you found me annoying stop me from getting to know you ? No ! I 'm not about to let distance stop us from knowing each other . So stop being silly and get in the house and say good - bye to your family . " There has been a lot of change in my life since you three moved to Appaloosa Plains and it is so hard to know where to start . Soon after your move Jade found out she was pregnant . It came as a huge shock to as all for part of our arrangement was to be careful and I mean it when I say we were . We had a family meeting about it and it was decided that nothing had really changed and we would raise the baby together . Yes the three of us . There are all kinds of families out there so why not create our own unique family . As long as the baby was raised in love what makes the difference , right ? Other than being pregnant Jade is doing well with her flower shop . She is booking a lot of weddings and other formal events . Bluebell is also doing well with her job . She got a promotion at her office and she is in charge of her own department . Work for me is going about the same as when you left . I 'm getting regular articles now , but it is still hard to become something when the town you live in still talks about the past and what they believe to be the truth . Until next time family be well . Love Pax , Bluebell and Jade Dearest Family , Since my last letter my life has been turned upside down . As you know when Antoine was born the four of us lived in harmony for a short time , but I found myself spending more time with Jade and Antoine and deep inside I started to have stronger feelings for her then Bluebell but I never let that on . I couldn 't do that to Bluebell , but she was no dummy and she could see and felt the shift in our family . One morning I went to her bedroom to spend some time with her and she was gone . All her belongings has been removed and she had left a letter telling me how much she loved me but she couldn 't be a third , or in our case fourth , wheel anymore . She wished me a good life . I had tried to get a hold of her and she wouldn 't take my calls . Finally her family told me she left Riverview . It broke my heart to lose another person I loved , but I knew it was for the best . As for Jade , Antoine and I we are one happy little family . Jade and I married in a small private wedding as Antoine stood by as witness . Jade 's flower shop is doing wonderful and I finally got my own column . Riverview has pretty much forgotten about Octavia , but from time to time you will hear her mentioned . Until next time family be happy You are all really missed here in Riverview and I hope Appaloosa Plains is treating you well . Margo and I are doing well and are very happy together . Many still try to convince us we should get married , but why fix what isn 't broken . She and I are on the same page about marriage and we don 't find it necessary to be happy . Margo is content to being an at home mom to our boys Gary and Grant . Once they start school she will go back to her decorating business , and I am doing well in the medical track . Miss and Love you all Yes it is me Porter . This is me all grown up . Yeah yeah I know I still look like a punk . LOL So after I became an adult I did what everyone expected me to do . I married the woman of my dreams Firefly Tuesday . I counted my savings and booked tickets to Simvegas . I marched right over to her house and the look of shock on her face was priceless . She didn 't know what to say to my new - found age . I grabbed her hand and began to drag her to my car , it is a good thing I had made arrangements with her mom to watch the girls . Our wedding was fast and long overdue , but in our mind it was perfect . We were able to spend three days there just being with each other . No judgment and no kids and then it was back home to be with our girls and to find a place to live . When we got back to her house we found all of Oodee 's stuff packed and she handed me the deed to the farmhouse . She told us this was her wedding gift to us and she wanted us to be happy . She had already rented a little house on the edge of town and after we spent some time with her I helped her move to her new home . She has been very happy there since and she comes over all the time and we are always glad to see her . So there you go Porter Slughorn , the town screw - up , is a married man . One who is committed to his family and so happy that his life worked out . Love Porter , Firefly , Robin and Ana Ana and Robin are so grown up . They are both in ballet , but Ana also takes girl scouts . They both miss you all greatly and send their love . The Quads , Jefferson , Theresa , Jamil and Freddy are now toddlers . They keep Firefly and I very busy and we are always tired , but we wouldn 't change our life for anything . Theresa copies her big sisters when they practice their ballet and we know she will have to be enrolled soon . The boys are just rambunctious little boys always getting into things and are curious about everything . We hope this email finds you all well It was a long trip to A . P . and by the time we arrived Parley had convinced herself that Midori would forget all about her and that he would break her heart more than it was already broken so to protect herself she cut ties with him . She wouldn 't answer his emails , phone calls and other social media attempts to contact her . Only through me was he able to keep tabs on her and during our discussions you could tell he wasn 't liking how things were going . Slowly , without real friends she became distant , sarcastic , and snarky . She kept to herself most of the time she is held up in her room drawing . Luckily she was maintaining good grades in school so there was a positive . My dad has still been shut off to us . He still does his fishing for money , but he forgets to take them to the market and I have to do that for him most of the time so we can maintain our bills and buy food . I fear I may have to get a part - time job to help supplement the money he isn 't making because lately his catches have been small . I 'm not sure if it is from lack of trying or lack of fish . He does have good days , but more bad than good . As for me I spend most of my days caring for my family , making sure I do well in school and hanging out with my best friend , Cherry , who is a dog . I found Cherry about a year after we moved to A . P . She was raiding a tipped over garbage can and she was dirty and full of fleas . There was just something in her sweet eyes and I just couldn 't walk away from her . After a lot of coaxing she finally allowed me to approach her . I found a tag on her beat - up collar that had a phone number on it . I took her home , gave her some food and a bath and brushed her fluffy fur . She was so grateful that she rested her head on my knee and looked up at me with those eyes of her 's and I was in love . I almost didn 't call the number because I already couldn 't bear the thought of having to return her to her owner . I did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing pays off . When the person on the other end picked up I was surprised by who the number belonged too . It was famous Baby Challenge Mom Becks Best . I told her I had her dog and she was so relieved . She explained that she was in the process of moving and in between packing , keeping track of her kids and the litter of puppies Cherry Tree must have got out but she was really shocked that she had made it all the way to Appaloosa Plains . She also explained that she was unable to keep the litter and had to find a new home for Cherry . When she said that I asked her how much she wanted for her because I just knew in my heart that Cherry belonged with me . Becks seemed to contemplate it for a moment and said , " I can hear in your voice that you have taken a fancy to little Miss . Cherry . She is already in your home and you were kind enough to take her in and care for her and to call me so I would like you to have her . She is my gift to you Pello Slughorn . " I was shocked and very grateful . We ended the call with an agreement that I would give her updates on Cherry 's life . So that is the life of the Slughorn 's over the past few years . Tomorrow is Parley 's thirteenth birthday . This should be oh so interesting . Let the games begin . Time moved on for the Slughorn 's . Kids went to school , participated in sports , school activities , dances and hung out with their friends . Time had been great for the Slughorn kids . Pax was doing well in school and surprisingly he managed dating two girls very well . Percy and Margo still enjoying each other companies and their relationship was strong . Porter saw his girls every weekend and he was on cloud nine , but he still couldn 't get Firefly to let him back into her life , but every moment that passed she seemed to relent and relax on a new issue . Pello and Parley were thick as thieves and were very popular in school . Although time had been great for the kids it wasn 't so kind on Kyle and Octavia . After that fateful Halloween night they started to grow apart . Sure they put on the charade and they said their " I love yous " when around friends and family which usually was followed by the cute little peck or quick hug , but many nights Octavia fell asleep alone , Kyle telling her he was busy with something or another , and many mornings she walked down the stairs to see Kyle folding up the couch blanket before the kids came barreling down . Octavia wasn 't sure why the void was there and why it was growing . She loved Kyle sure , but a big part of her didn 't miss him when he was absent in her bed or when she woke in the morning . She felt guilty for her thoughts and feelings , but she chalked it up as this is how long time married couples acted , and she was justified , in her mind , when she remembered coming down the stairs as a child and seeing her dad sleeping on the couch . Pax had received a scholarship for football at the local Riverview College and his dad , Danger , had agreed to rent and pay for a house for him to live in . The house that the two picked out was big enough for both Bluebell and Jade to move in with him . Octavia wasn 't fond of that part of Pax 's plan , but she didn 't know how she could get him to rethink it . After walking out of the school auditorium Octavia realized she left the program on her seat and she wanted to put that in Pax 's scrapbook . She told her family to wait for her and went back inside . Standing by the seat she had been sitting in , holding her program , was Danger . A scowl spread on her face and she walked to him snatching it from his hand . " What do you want ? " She growled . " I don 't think that is a good idea . You can just call me . " Her mouth said one thing but her hand snapped forward and grabbed the paper from his hand . " So you have an issue with me renting a house for Pax ? " Danger starts and poured himself a glass of champagne . He tilted it toward her and she shook her head no . " Oh that is great parenting skills Danger . I seem to recall you having a similar caviler attitude with Porter and look at where he is at . He barley is getting by in school because he has to work to help raise two daughters that he had with a much older woman out of wedlock . You really think that having this attitude with Pax is going to turn out well ? " Danger laughed and took a long drink from his flute . " Yeah I screwed up with Porter , but Pax is a whole different ballgame . You hold on too tight Octavia and you will lose your boy . " Before she knew it Danger had her against the motel wall and his lips found her exposed neck . Not having this kind of affection for so long mixed with her attraction to Danger led her to snaking her arms around his neck and pulled him closer . His lips find hers and she moans into his . He slid his hand up her thigh and under her skirt . His hand found the flimsy material of her panties and he tugged and that is when Octavia pushed him away . A burst of energy coursed through her and she pushed him off her . Buttoning her shirt she stands up . " I can 't do this . It isn 't right . " But the following Thursday Octavia found herself standing in front of the sleazy motel looking at the numbers on the door , 69 . How appropriate for her visit there . She had told Kyle and the kids that she had joined a woman 's bowling league and that every Thursday she would be going out after dinner and coming home late . Seeing him laying on the bed in just his boxers she tried to turn around and leave , but his reflexes were fast and he grabbed her and once again threw her on the bed . " I 'm not letting you get away this time Octavia . I need you . " For six days a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mother of five and wife to Kyle Slughorn , the nicest and most sought out man in town . Everyone who knew her envied her and wanted to be in her shoes , if only they knew she was living a lie . Then one night a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mistress to Danger Zone . It was the one night a week she felt herself and happy . As she drove home , slowly , she saw there was a physic reading taking place at the park . She decided to go and check it out . She needed time to figure out why to say to Kyle anyway . " Child . " She said in her heavy Cajun accent , " He isn 't going to leave you . He loves his wife , but he craves for more then what he is allowed . " How did this woman know ? Octavia was taken back with the fact that this woman knew about her affair . She hadn 't really believed in this stuff . She just sat there and stared there starring at the woman . At that moment two things happened to Octavia . First she got angry with Madame Currie and her mumbo jumbo and threw the doll back at her . Next she turned on her heel and ran toward her car . She knew that her life was with Kyle and she had to get home and tell him the truth and tell him that she loved him and only him . Danger was just something she couldn 't have and that made her want him as if she were a child . She just prayed that he could forgive her and they could restart their life together . As Firefuly 's belly grew Porter and Octavia began to get more and more divided . Octavia forbid him to see her and he wanted nothing more than to see her . However he was still a minor so seeing Firefly was hard and it happened less and less as time went on . Then one day Parley and Pello came home from school and Pello was complaining about his stomach and head . Kyle swooped him up into this manly arms and the poor kid was burning up with fever . Leaning in with worry Octavia asked if he wanted some soup in bed . Pello gave her a weak nod and Kyle carried him upstairs and Octavia went into the kitchen . The whole time Octavia couldn 't help but wonder and worry that this was the doing of that Jennifer she met in a dream once . She even took up muttering the name asking her to make Pello okay . This was something the Slughorn 's had never experienced before and hoped to never experience again . " Don 't look at me like that young man . Until she requests a pertertity test and that says you are the father then and only then will you be able to see her or that baby . Now march your butt back upstairs . " Octavia ? Well you have not one but two daughters . Ana and Robin and they are beautiful . I would never keep you from them , but just know I have conceded … . Octavia wins . I love you and I miss you … . . I shouldn 't have said that . Bye . That night Kyle and Octavia also got into a fight . He knew how he felt about his own Pello and Parley and he loved the other boys as his own . He was on Porter 's side and thought that Octavia was being unreasonable . And as all good fights do it ended in passion . The feel of Octavia 's flesh on his excited Kyle . Since they had found out Porter got Firefly pregnant Octavia hadn 't allowed him to make love to her , but like so many times before as their passion grew Octavia pulled away and the two sunk into their frequent habit of going to bed angry at each other . Ana . He just could not stay away from them . He could not allow his father , the man he was cloned after , to be right about his character . After the first day he saw these two he was hooked and his girls had him wrapped around their little fingers . Despite having to be sneaky and having to lie about where he was going he was happy that he was in his girl 's lives . The only thing that wasn 't working in his favor was Firefly kept him away . When he was there she would go into another room or leave the house just to stay away from him . She barely even spoke to him . Then before everyone knew it Halloween was upon them and costume planning was in full effect . Octavia had the great idea that she and Parley would have mother daughter bonding at the costume shop . They had a great time trying on different outfits . " Um … . " she bit her bottom lip and looked down at her clothes . " I am suppose to be a taunting librarian . You really didn 't give me a lot of time to get a great costume . " She pouted . As the night wound down they went up to the balcony level to get a break from the crowd . They sat together on the couch and as Margo snuggled close to him a huge smile spread on Percy 's face . He was falling for her and he was falling fast . She parted her lips and moved into him . Percy Slughorn shared his first kiss with the beautiful Margo Strickland in a public place and he almost got to second base as his hand crept farther and farther up her leg , but as their making out got heated it was discovered that Margo had some weird " make - out " sounds and the employee working at the arcade that night came up and asked them to leave . He told them that it was inappropriate to conduct themselves in such a manner . They walked home together that night , two blissful teenagers with grins on their faces . " Oh God this is so wrong . " Firefly moans pulling him closer . " But not here the girls will hear us . " Taking his hand she leads him down the stairs and to the couch . " No , " She pushed him up . " I can 't do this . I can 't keep doing this . You are wrong for me Porter . " " Firefly Tuesday I will be eighteen soon and then things will be very different . Just you wait and see . I will be over next week to see the girls . " With that he pushes her back and walks out the door . Pax had a party to attend . He was a very popular kid and the teens of town decided to have a Halloween party at the local park . Everyone who was everyone was at the party and Pax enjoyed mingling it up . " Come dance with me ! " Jade ordered as she pulled Pax closer to the stereo . The two grooved to a very famous Halloween song , laughing the whole time . " I need to take a break and get something to drink . " Pax leaned in and told his dance partner . Jade nodded her head and Pax took off to the juice bar . Not knowing that someone spiked the juice Pax grabbed a glass and downed it in one gulp . " Damn that was good . " Still thirsty he drank another one just as quickly . " Keep your grubby hands off my man . " Bluebell had finally given some attention to Pax and when she saw what was going on her evil side took control and she sprinted to the scene . Keeping a tight hold on the girls blue hair she pulled her farther and farther from Pax . " Come on , come on let me take your picture . " Octavia instructs Parley and Pello to get together . They were getting ready to head out trick or treating but first Octavia wanted pictures . The two animated children did many silly poses for their mother and had a great time posing in their costumes . " You two are silly . " Octavia said as she browsed the pictures on her digital camera . " Now before you go who is going to recite the rules for me ? " Both kids sighed but Parley accommodated . " Stick together . Don 't eat any of the candy before you and dad can look at it and we must be back by 8pm . " The man 's tone and anger surprised and even frightend the children . Standing before them was a honest to God Berry Sims . They had only heard about them , but had never met one . Sure they had regurlar blue , red , and green sims , but not Berries . A boy , around Parley 's age , ran out of the house . " Stop . I am so sorry about my dad . " He was so excited to see the kids that he even pumped his arm in the air in victory . " He doesn 't like children much . We are the Sour 's . I 'm Midori and my dad 's name is Cranberry . " Calming down Pello took the lead . " No problem . He just took us by surprise is all . So you two are real life Berry Sims , huh ? " " My dad hasn 't enrolled me yet . He isn 't use to the parenting thing yet . I was raised by my mom until six months ago when she passed . There was no one else to take me and even though he hates children he did the right thing I guess . " It is what it is . " Midori looked over at Parley who hasn 't said a word the whole time . She was still pretty shaken up by Cranberry 's outburst . " Can you talk pretty girl . " He pushed up his mask thinking that was what was scaring her from talking to him . Parley had a temper and she stuck her jaw out . She didn 't like the way he said pretty girl to her . " Of course I can talk . I just have standards on who I talk to . " She crossed her arms in front of her chest . " I wouldn 't be friends with you if you were the last boy on earth . Come on Pello we have to be going if we are going to make it home by cerfew . " The two began to walk toward the road . To the dance floor where Octavia couldn 't take her eyes off him . Watching his rippling muscles , dressed in very tight black leather , retract as he moved made her face flush red with desire . Kyle could see every look and every vibe between the two of them and he was not liking it one bit . " Danger please . Let me pass . " But when he placed his lips to hers she can 't help herself and snakes her arms around his neck and melted into him . There kissing was hot and passionate and it was making Octavia 's whole body tingle . Then without warning Danger pulled away and leaned his forehead to hers . " Go home with your husband tonight Octavia just remember you are mine and you have always been mine . Soon I will have you again . " " No you listen to me . You are mine . Now go home . " Danger pushed himself off the wall and walked away leaving Octavia feeling an array of emotions from lust , to guilt to anger . Octavia and Kyle 's ride home was quite . Octavia was trying to figure out what happened and Kyle was just stewing about Danger ruining their good time . When hey arrived home they checked on the children and headed to their room . Octavia went into their bathroom and washed off her make - up and slipped out of her costume . Her body was still on fire and the thought of Danger 's intoxicating scent was on her mind . She decided the best way to make these feelings go away was to make love to her husband . The man she loved , the man she had chosen to spend her life with . She came up behind him and incited him by whispering lowly into his ear . " Make love to me . " She could barley get the words out she was filled with so much desire . " Gladly . " He said as he spun her around and led her to the bed . He was glad that she hadn 't forgotten that tonight was about trying to find one another again . It didn 't take them long to be void of all clothing and finding pleasure with each other . Kyle couldn 't help but think about how different it was . How crazy , wild , passionate and even a little kinky it was . Perhaps the long time span since the last time made it this good , maybe it was the dark holiday that drove her wild , but whatever it was it was hot . As he hit her sweet spot he had to watch her expression . Seeing her tuck her lip under her teeth and squeeze her eyes shut drove him to his own euphoria . Their room filled with loud sounds of pleasure and just before Kyle laid his head on her shoulder motionless trying to hold back his tears of disappointment , Octavia made her drive for being so free with her sexuality know by digging her nails in Kyle 's back and screaming Danger 's name . The sun is bright almost too bright for this time of the morning . Octavia shielded her eyes with her hand so she is able to see the park in front of her better . She isn 't sure where she is nor how she got there , but the site in front of her is peaceful and calming . She looked down and realized that she was dressed in an elegant dress in white and gold hues . She didn 't understand where she was and if it was a dream why would she be dressed like this in a park without her family ? She continued to move into the park but stopped when she came across a young lady sitting on a park bench . The woman wasn 't overly pretty but her features were kind and welcoming . Octavia thought it strange that she too wore a garment in the same colors as her dress , but convinced herself it was a dream . She was about to ask the woman where they were but was surprised when the woman greeted her by her name . The woman on the bench laughed , stood up and brushed her dress off . " I know who you are because I created you Octavia . " The statement took Octavia back and she didn 't know what to say . She just looked at the woman giving her a " you 're crazy " with her eyes . " I know this is a shock to you Octavia but it is true . My name is Jennifer and I created you , Kyle , Danger , Misty and several others in your town . " " Lady , you 're crazy . " Octavia backs up and Jennifer grabbed her arm . " You live in Riverview . Your husband is Kyle and you and he share one pretty little girl Parley . Your ex - lover , if you want to call him that , is the handsome Danger Zone and the two of your share two boys ; Pax and Percy . Also in your house hold you have two clones Pello and Porter and you have selected the cute loveable little Pello as your heir . Am I right ? " Octavia swallowed loudly and sunk into the nearby bench . " How did you know that ? Most of it you could have found out from the paparazzi , but Kyle and I haven 't shared with anyone who we have chosen as heir . " " I told you Octavia I created you . Even though you have free will I have made about 85 % of what has happened to you happen . I am even tempted to have you and Danger have an affair … . I miss that stud muffin . " Jennifer pushes her glasses up . " I know you do , but Danger is … well that isn 't what I brought you here to talk about . " " Where is here ? " Octavia asked in a hushed tone . " This is a new world called Hidden Springs . One of your decedents will eventually move her . " The way the woman talked made Octavia very nervous . She was still having trouble believing that she was created and that she was meeting her maker . She gulped and faced the woman . " So . . Um … ah . . why did you bring me here ? " Jennifer guided Octavia to the bridge where they took a seat . Seeing Octavia so nervous made Jennifer giggle as she remembered that Octavia was a coward at heart . As the water moved beneath them Jennifer took Octavia 's hand . " I brought you here to meet you , for us to talk , for us to get to know one another . " " From the sounds of it you know me pretty well . " Octavia tried to clear the frog from her throat and removed her hand from Jennifer 's . " Just in case you have any questions and to also tell you that I will be visiting every generation of the Slughorn 's . So it is up to you if you want to pass the knowledge of me down or not . I already have a fun adventure planned for Pello and I . " Octavia tried her best to hide how nervous she was , but Jennifer could see right through her and so she decided that a little Q & A would make sense . " Speaking of Pello , why did I choose him as heir ? I really felt and still do , that Porter could have had a chance to redeem himself as heir . " " Funny you should ask that Octavia . You have readers out there and … . " " I write your story for people to read , " Jennifer smiled at Octavia 's shocked expression . " And I head a poll to see who the readers wanted as you 're heir and Pello was chosen . I too was hoping for Porter , but then I realized that with either of them your genetics won 't be passed down and for that I am sorry , but it will be okay because going forward if the Slughorn 's have a clone in their home they will not be part of the choice for heir . " " You mean to tell me that not only have you put me and my family through the ringer you have also let others decided my fate ? " Octavia 's voice oozed with anger . In a blink of an eye the two of them were sitting by a tree surrounded by bubbles . " What ? ! ? How ? ! ? " Octavia stammered . Octavia placed her chin in her fist trying to take in everything as Jennifer stretched out on the soft grass . " I want you to know Octavia that your family is going to go through a lot , some wonderful times and some not so wonderful times . Some of you will live to a ripe old age and others go before their time . There will be affairs , betrayal , murder and love children , but there will also be fun times , true love , children , and times that don 't want to be forgotten . Among all this I will be here . I will be here for you , for Pello and all the other Slughorn 's that come after him . All you need to do if you need me is shout . " Octavia didn 't reply she just sat there . The two sat there for a long time not saying a word . As the sun sank and the trees shook their leaves in a protective manor upon them Jennifer stood up . " I have told you what I wanted to tell you now I must go . You can take your time going back to your life , but don 't take too much time . Pello and Parley 's Halloween costumes need to be done and the kids need help with their bake sale at school . " With that Jennifer faded slowly away . One morning Octavia woke with clarity on who she wanted to ask to be heir of the Slughorn name . She got the kids off to school and found Kyle having a rare moment in front of the television . She leaned over him , kissed his forehead and told him that she wanted to talk . Kyle gave her a sarcastic look . " I know who he is , but are you sure ? Babe , he isn 't blood related which means none of your genetics will get passed down . " " I have thought of that , but I still think Pello is who I want . This is why . Pax my dear sweet boy Pax , he would be a great choice as heir , but I feel he already has his own agenda with the Red gal . She is super sweet and I want them to figure out what their future holds and he doesn 't need the weight of being my heir mixed with that . Then we have Percy , my loner of a boy . He too would make a great heir , but his loner trait would close him off from living the life and heir should live . Next comes Porter , yes he is Danger 's clone , but I love him just as if he is my own child . Many would argue that he would make the best heir because he already has children on the way , and believe me I was very close to choosing him , but he is about to be a teenage father and he needs to figure all that out and not have this extra commitment . That leaves our little Pello . " " I think you know me better than that Kyle . " She crossed her arms over her chest , " I am choosing him because he is the best choice . He is a sweet , loveable , friendly outdoorsy kid . He enjoying meeting people , learning new things , help around the house and with his sister and he is just enjoyable to be around . I , just as I do Porter , love him as if I was his mother and he would make me proud being the heir . It doesn 't matter that he doesn 't share my genetics . I have helped raise him and there is still a lot of raising to do . I have passed down to him my morals , values and the importance of truth and respect to others . Yes he will make a great heir for me . Also I have heard rumors that there are big changes coming to our world and I think he would be best equipped to deal with them . " Pierson Baby ChallengeDrowning In ColorA Berry Sweet Famacybuttonsginger . wordpress . com / Taking ChancesBlaine Hawkins ' 100 Wee - OnesSims 3 100 Baby ChallengeRises In The EastA LegacyThe Journey LegacyA Random Legacy Challenge in the Sims 3 that will span 10 generations . differenta backwards rainbowcy . . . toomuchcolor . wordpress . com / Too Much Color , Too Little TimeLook After You " I 'm an angel ( bored like hell ) and you 're a devil ( meaning well ) . Bare your fangs and burn my wings ; I hear bullets singin ' . " Lilly in the WindI 've walked the longest road , so don 't fail me now feet , don 't fail me now . Fire & IceMeet the McCray family . . . BoundThere is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable . ~ Mark TwainA Woeful Lotus " Immortality isn 't punishment enough for what I have done . 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Oh good Sim Creator my sister is a teenager . Dad and I are going to be in a world of trouble now . Neither of us has the know - how to deal with an adolescent female let alone a back talking , bitter one . Parley aged up beautifully ; although her birthday was quite a sad sight . Dad and I , after reminding him several times that it was Parley 's birthday , stayed up late the night before decorating the dining room , making her a cake and wrapping her gifts . The plan was to have a great birthday breakfast and since it was also Saturday we would take her to the art museum . I thought she would like it because she liked to draw . However all my hard planning was a waist when she descended the stairs on her birthday , looked at the decorations , scrunched her noise , grabbed a banana and a orange and went back upstairs and shut herself in her room . I tried to get her out of her room several times , but she just didn 't want anything to do with us so dad and I went to the art museum and left her at home . At some point when we were gone she did gather her gifts . I just hope she liked them . The weeks following her birthday she had become a scorpion ; her attitude was the sting and her words were the venom . She was disrespectful and rude to dad and I most of the time . Dad didn 't seem to really notice it , wow what a shock , and I just couldn 't stand to be around her much . We had been in A . P . long enough for her to make friends , but she was always complaining about how stupid or hick she thought the kids in her class were . I was sick of her thinking she was better than everyone else and just her whole attitude . She become more isolated from people and family . I felt bad , but what could I do ? I was her brother not her parent . " I 'm really sorry . I know you were keen on these lessons , but we just can 't swing it . " He was sincere , but he wouldn 't meet my eyes . I wanted to scream at him that he needed to do more for this family , that he needed to be more responsible , but I kept my mouth shut . As hard as it was to be the " man " of the house I couldn 't image how I would act if the love of my life died . Everyone dealt with it differently , I just hopped that someday dad would be more connected again . " Okay dad . Thanks for checking . " I was disappointed and upset and Cherry and I headed to my room . That night I decided that I would look for a part time job . If dad couldn 't buy me my drums and lessons I would do it myself . Until I could I could keep using the set in the music room to practice on during my free hour . The following Saturday I got earlier then most Saturday 's and as I ate my bowl of cereal I perused the paper to see if there were any advertisements for jobs . The paper didn 't turn up any jobs , but I didn 't let that discourage me . As I left the house I saw my dad 's catch set out ready to be taken to the market . I grabbed the bucket and thought to myself that the market would be the perfect place to start looking for a job . With a smile on my face I set off for town . That evening I came home as the sun sank beyond the land . I was exhausted and jobless . I had filled out about a dozen applications and everyone of them told me that they would put it on file , but currently they weren 't hiring . I felt slightly discouraged , but I wasn 't going to give up . I wanted that drum set very badly . So I decided that the following weekend I would try again . I would have tried on Sunday , but I was taking Cherry to the park for a day of Frisbee and fun . The next morning after breakfast I packed my backpack a clicked the leash onto Cherry 's collar and we set off to the park . It was one of my free days where I wasn 't taking care of others needs and I wanted it to last so Cherry and I took a new route to the park . It was such a good choice the walk was beautiful and the sun felt great . We came upon a farmhouse and I noticed a sign at the end of the driveway that said " Hiring " . I looked at Cherry and thought what the heck it wouldn 't hurt to see what kind of work is needing to be done . We started up the driveway and when I saw an elderly made working in a very plush apple orchard I told Cherry to sit and stay and started to approach the man . I patted my leg and Cherry ran to my side and the man met us half way . Bending down he allowed Cherry to smell his hand before he ran his thin fingers through the fur of her head . " Beautiful dog you have . " He stood up smiling . " Ah … good good . Well my name is Dr . Wilmont Fantrain and I 'm a veterinarian . I own the clinic down town , but here I run an animal boarding house and rescue . I also live here . I 'm looking for a trustworthy person to help me out around here cleaning horse stalls , feeding and walking the dogs , grooming and caring for the cats as well as the other animals we have here . I have one assistant here , her name is Kora , but we find ourselves obtaining more and more animals so I need more help . Dr . Fantrain stroked his chin as he thought about it . " Most weekends for sure , but I may need you at times during the week . Are you interested ? " Crossing his arms over his chest he gave me another smile . His smile was comforting and made you feel at ease . " What is your dog 's name ? " " Well Ms . Cherry would be welcome to come with you on the weekends . It would be nice for the other animals to be exposed to other animals . This is if you are interested in the job . " I was interested . I loved animals and this sounded like the perfect job for me . Granted cleaning up horse doo - doo and dog doo - doo wasn 't on my top ten things to do , but this could lead into bigger opportunities and would be a chance to learn from Dr . Fantrain . Ever since I got Cherry I had thought about become a veterinarian and now I was talking to one about a job . It seems like luck was turning my way . Dr . Fantrain told me what he paid and that payday was every Friday . We shook hands and I left with a promise to see him the following weekend . With a sense of accomplishment Cherry and I finished our walk to the park . All week I had been looking forward to Saturday and getting one step closer to my dreams . I made sure all my homework was done on Friday night and went to bed early . Nothing was going to stop me from doing a good job . The day was full of hard work and it was long , but also a lot of fun . I learned that Dr . Fantrain was a widower . His wife had died five years prior in a car accident . Ever since he had surrounded himself with the things he loved to remind him that life is happy , but short . He opened up his property as a boarding center for animals about a year after his wife 's death , and the residences of A . P . took well to it leaving their pets in his care when they went out of town for holiday 's or long weekends . However , when people started to report strays and abandoned pets around town he began to take them in and care for them . The place ran on donations and his money from the clinic . About three weeks after I started working I got home a little early on a Sunday afternoon and decided to make something special for dinner . Normally it was something quick and easy because I was so tired after work . I was cutting up the vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring . I knew Parley was in the living room watching some dark cartoon so I yelled out at her , " Parley , get the door . " " No Man , I wasn 't . " I lead him into the kitchen so I could continue dinner . " So what are you doing here and why didn 't you tell me you were coming ? " " Old man sour requested to move here ? Why ? " I was dumbfounded Mr . Sour wasn 't the friendliness guy around and he seemed pretty content in Riverview . " Believe it or not my dad has changed some . I asked if his job had a location in or around Appaloosa Plains . When I found out that there was a location here I begged and pleaded for him to put in for a transfer , and finally I wore him out and he did . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . " He popped another carrot in his mouth . I snapped the book shut and pitched it across my room , causing the book to ricochet off the door and fall face open on the floor . How dare they write this stuff about my mother ? What gave them the right ? Oh I forgot it has the word unauthorized in the title so that gives them the right . I didn 't need to finish it , I had lived it . She noticed the book on the floor and swooped it up . " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn . " She read the spine of the book and then tossed it onto my nearby desk . An unnatural laugh escaped her lips and she cocked her hip and looked back in my direction . " You finally decide to read that nonsense ? " It came out more like an accusation then a question , but that is what my sister had become ; a cold , sarcastic young woman who would soon be a teenager . " Parley , I 'm not in the mood for you today . Get the hell out of my room ! " I rose to my knees and pointed to the door . Since our mother died I had always tried to be the encouraging older brother , but there were times she pushed my nerves to the core and today was one of them . I looked over at Cherry and saw in her eyes that she wanted something from me , but unlike my father 's request , her 's was doable and reasonable . I reached over and began running my fingers though the soft fur on top of her head . Her stare eased , signaling me that she had forgiven me for shutting her out of my room ; since I found her she had been by my side and that is where she is happiest . She laid her head on my knee and I pulled both my hands behind my head and laid back into my pillow . I had a big decision to make and I had to make is soon . I just recently turned sixteen and with that , as the old saying goes , comes great responsibility . After all my party guests left my father , in one of his lucid moments , sat me down and asked me to take on a great task . He began by explaining to me that Octavia had set out to create a legacy out of the Slughorn name ; one where people would hear the name and admire it and be able to take life lessons from . He went on to tell me that she had decided that she had wanted me to carry on this legacy , and my dad wanted to know if I would take on that challenge . Percy brought along with his steady Margo , and as he stood at the gravesite he could not muster any tears for his departed mother . His heart was crushed and he felt lost without her , but the tears just would not come . Margo just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay . Firefly still kept her distance from Porter , but was there with the girls to allow them to say good - bye to their grandma . Porter 's heart was heavier than most at the funeral for he was dealing with a double loss . He was not allowed to be with the woman he loved and the woman who had raised him when the man who shared his DNA abandoned him was now gone . The only comfort he could find was in Robin and Ana and he tried to rejoice in the blessing he had in his girls . Parley struggled and felt lost . She was the only female of the Slughorn clan and she didn 't know how she would cope without her mother . Without a woman to guide her through all the things she needed to learn . All of us tried to be there for her in the days that followed mom 's death but the only one she seemed to respond to was my best friend and the boy she use to find annoying , Midori Sour . I watched as he held a protective arm around my sister and I just knew she would be okay with him in her life . Even Danger and Misty Zone were there . My father was so against them attending , but Danger convinced him he had a right to be there since he and Octavia had three sons together . Misty acted as if she had lost her best friend . I didn 't understand her reaction because she and mom hadn 't been friends for years . At the end of the service Father Thomas called on Parley . It had been requested by my father that Parley sing the departing song . When he had asked her to do it she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the room and never brought it up again , but now when it was time to step in front of everyone she froze in her spot . I watched as Midori pulled her tight against his chest and wrap his arms protectively around her . He whispered something in her ear and waited for her reply . She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out of his shield of protection and took her place in front of mom 's coffin . She cleared her throat and tried to sing , but the only thing that came out was a strange croaking noise . She bowed her head and wiped more tears from her eyes . After a few seconds she tried again : The house after the funeral was a mad house . Many of those that weren 't allowed in the cemetery showed up with casseroles , and breads and really what they wanted was a glimpse of the inside . They wanted something to gossip about , something to criticize and something to be jealous about . Most got what they wanted especially after the book came out . The rest of us pretty much found our own thing to do . Parley and Midori were out back sitting on the swings , Pax , Jade and Bluebell were busy in the kitchen putting away food and serving some as well . Percy and Margo were held up on the couch talking in low voices amongst themselves and dad was desperately trying to avoid the single women that were now hunting him out . I found myself in a chair with the family photo album on my lap . The day seemed to drag on forever . Two months after we buried Octavia we Slughorn 's had our first birthday . It wasn 't a very festive day . There was no cake , no balloons and really no presents . I felt bad , but when I asked Percy about it he told me he was fine with how it all went down . Lucky for him he has a great gal in Margo and she took him for a picnic lunch in the park . Dad asked Percy to stick around for a while to help him take care of the three of us left at home and he agreed . Dad hadn 't been doing well since mom died . He was growing distant from us and wasn 't providing for us as he did in the past and a month later when the " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn " came out he just about shut down completely . The whole town turned their backs on our family when that awful book came out . It didn 't take long for us to be the talk of the town and not in a good way either . Soon the kids in school started to torment Parley . They would have done the same to me , but I had Midori and I just didn 't care what they thought so when they saw that their teasing didn 't affect me they got bored with it and stopped , but Parley was a different story . She didn 't really have any friends , well except for Midori who was my age and in a different class , and she was very sensitive and the slightest things would set her emotions off . Even though my dad had pretty much tuned out when Parley came home from school upset something made him pay attention to that and finally he had , had enough . It was decided that we would move . For the first time since mom died he became active in researching the best place for our family and plans were made . Months past and it was decided we would move to Appaloosa Plains . The house in Riverview became Percy 's and since Porter had kids he opted to stay with Percy until he was legal to move out on his own , which would be soon after we moved . Moving day came and all of our belongs were packed tight in a moving van in front of the house . It was time to say our good - byes and be on our way . The house was full with family and friends and many hugs , I love you and good lucks were being tossed around , but Parley was nowhere in the mix of things . She hadn 't liked the torture of the other school kids , but she didn 't want to move . She didn 't want to leave her brothers , nieces but most importantly she didn 't want to leave Midori . " There you are . " She wiped away tears as he took her hand . " Come on we need to get you back to say your good - bye 's . " He tried to lead her back but she pulled against him forcing him to stop . She just stared at him . He moved closer to her and brushed her cheek with his hand . " It will be okay . There 's skype , email and texting I will always be there for you Par . " " You 're going to forget all about me when I leave . You are going to find some pretty , normal girl and fall madly in love and I will be but a memory . " Parley sobbed against Midori 's back . Midori slowly turned around and looked her in her eyes . " You 're such a silly girl . Do you know that ? Did I let the fact that you found me annoying stop me from getting to know you ? No ! I 'm not about to let distance stop us from knowing each other . So stop being silly and get in the house and say good - bye to your family . " There has been a lot of change in my life since you three moved to Appaloosa Plains and it is so hard to know where to start . Soon after your move Jade found out she was pregnant . It came as a huge shock to as all for part of our arrangement was to be careful and I mean it when I say we were . We had a family meeting about it and it was decided that nothing had really changed and we would raise the baby together . Yes the three of us . There are all kinds of families out there so why not create our own unique family . As long as the baby was raised in love what makes the difference , right ? Other than being pregnant Jade is doing well with her flower shop . She is booking a lot of weddings and other formal events . Bluebell is also doing well with her job . She got a promotion at her office and she is in charge of her own department . Work for me is going about the same as when you left . I 'm getting regular articles now , but it is still hard to become something when the town you live in still talks about the past and what they believe to be the truth . Until next time family be well . Love Pax , Bluebell and Jade Dearest Family , Since my last letter my life has been turned upside down . As you know when Antoine was born the four of us lived in harmony for a short time , but I found myself spending more time with Jade and Antoine and deep inside I started to have stronger feelings for her then Bluebell but I never let that on . I couldn 't do that to Bluebell , but she was no dummy and she could see and felt the shift in our family . One morning I went to her bedroom to spend some time with her and she was gone . All her belongings has been removed and she had left a letter telling me how much she loved me but she couldn 't be a third , or in our case fourth , wheel anymore . She wished me a good life . I had tried to get a hold of her and she wouldn 't take my calls . Finally her family told me she left Riverview . It broke my heart to lose another person I loved , but I knew it was for the best . As for Jade , Antoine and I we are one happy little family . Jade and I married in a small private wedding as Antoine stood by as witness . Jade 's flower shop is doing wonderful and I finally got my own column . Riverview has pretty much forgotten about Octavia , but from time to time you will hear her mentioned . Until next time family be happy You are all really missed here in Riverview and I hope Appaloosa Plains is treating you well . Margo and I are doing well and are very happy together . Many still try to convince us we should get married , but why fix what isn 't broken . She and I are on the same page about marriage and we don 't find it necessary to be happy . Margo is content to being an at home mom to our boys Gary and Grant . Once they start school she will go back to her decorating business , and I am doing well in the medical track . Miss and Love you all Yes it is me Porter . This is me all grown up . Yeah yeah I know I still look like a punk . LOL So after I became an adult I did what everyone expected me to do . I married the woman of my dreams Firefly Tuesday . I counted my savings and booked tickets to Simvegas . I marched right over to her house and the look of shock on her face was priceless . She didn 't know what to say to my new - found age . I grabbed her hand and began to drag her to my car , it is a good thing I had made arrangements with her mom to watch the girls . Our wedding was fast and long overdue , but in our mind it was perfect . We were able to spend three days there just being with each other . No judgment and no kids and then it was back home to be with our girls and to find a place to live . When we got back to her house we found all of Oodee 's stuff packed and she handed me the deed to the farmhouse . She told us this was her wedding gift to us and she wanted us to be happy . She had already rented a little house on the edge of town and after we spent some time with her I helped her move to her new home . She has been very happy there since and she comes over all the time and we are always glad to see her . So there you go Porter Slughorn , the town screw - up , is a married man . One who is committed to his family and so happy that his life worked out . Love Porter , Firefly , Robin and Ana Ana and Robin are so grown up . They are both in ballet , but Ana also takes girl scouts . They both miss you all greatly and send their love . The Quads , Jefferson , Theresa , Jamil and Freddy are now toddlers . They keep Firefly and I very busy and we are always tired , but we wouldn 't change our life for anything . Theresa copies her big sisters when they practice their ballet and we know she will have to be enrolled soon . The boys are just rambunctious little boys always getting into things and are curious about everything . We hope this email finds you all well It was a long trip to A . P . and by the time we arrived Parley had convinced herself that Midori would forget all about her and that he would break her heart more than it was already broken so to protect herself she cut ties with him . She wouldn 't answer his emails , phone calls and other social media attempts to contact her . Only through me was he able to keep tabs on her and during our discussions you could tell he wasn 't liking how things were going . Slowly , without real friends she became distant , sarcastic , and snarky . She kept to herself most of the time she is held up in her room drawing . Luckily she was maintaining good grades in school so there was a positive . My dad has still been shut off to us . He still does his fishing for money , but he forgets to take them to the market and I have to do that for him most of the time so we can maintain our bills and buy food . I fear I may have to get a part - time job to help supplement the money he isn 't making because lately his catches have been small . I 'm not sure if it is from lack of trying or lack of fish . He does have good days , but more bad than good . As for me I spend most of my days caring for my family , making sure I do well in school and hanging out with my best friend , Cherry , who is a dog . I found Cherry about a year after we moved to A . P . She was raiding a tipped over garbage can and she was dirty and full of fleas . There was just something in her sweet eyes and I just couldn 't walk away from her . After a lot of coaxing she finally allowed me to approach her . I found a tag on her beat - up collar that had a phone number on it . I took her home , gave her some food and a bath and brushed her fluffy fur . She was so grateful that she rested her head on my knee and looked up at me with those eyes of her 's and I was in love . I almost didn 't call the number because I already couldn 't bear the thought of having to return her to her owner . I did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing pays off . When the person on the other end picked up I was surprised by who the number belonged too . It was famous Baby Challenge Mom Becks Best . I told her I had her dog and she was so relieved . She explained that she was in the process of moving and in between packing , keeping track of her kids and the litter of puppies Cherry Tree must have got out but she was really shocked that she had made it all the way to Appaloosa Plains . She also explained that she was unable to keep the litter and had to find a new home for Cherry . When she said that I asked her how much she wanted for her because I just knew in my heart that Cherry belonged with me . Becks seemed to contemplate it for a moment and said , " I can hear in your voice that you have taken a fancy to little Miss . Cherry . She is already in your home and you were kind enough to take her in and care for her and to call me so I would like you to have her . She is my gift to you Pello Slughorn . " I was shocked and very grateful . We ended the call with an agreement that I would give her updates on Cherry 's life . So that is the life of the Slughorn 's over the past few years . Tomorrow is Parley 's thirteenth birthday . This should be oh so interesting . Let the games begin . Time moved on for the Slughorn 's . Kids went to school , participated in sports , school activities , dances and hung out with their friends . Time had been great for the Slughorn kids . Pax was doing well in school and surprisingly he managed dating two girls very well . Percy and Margo still enjoying each other companies and their relationship was strong . Porter saw his girls every weekend and he was on cloud nine , but he still couldn 't get Firefly to let him back into her life , but every moment that passed she seemed to relent and relax on a new issue . Pello and Parley were thick as thieves and were very popular in school . Although time had been great for the kids it wasn 't so kind on Kyle and Octavia . After that fateful Halloween night they started to grow apart . Sure they put on the charade and they said their " I love yous " when around friends and family which usually was followed by the cute little peck or quick hug , but many nights Octavia fell asleep alone , Kyle telling her he was busy with something or another , and many mornings she walked down the stairs to see Kyle folding up the couch blanket before the kids came barreling down . Octavia wasn 't sure why the void was there and why it was growing . She loved Kyle sure , but a big part of her didn 't miss him when he was absent in her bed or when she woke in the morning . She felt guilty for her thoughts and feelings , but she chalked it up as this is how long time married couples acted , and she was justified , in her mind , when she remembered coming down the stairs as a child and seeing her dad sleeping on the couch . Pax had received a scholarship for football at the local Riverview College and his dad , Danger , had agreed to rent and pay for a house for him to live in . The house that the two picked out was big enough for both Bluebell and Jade to move in with him . Octavia wasn 't fond of that part of Pax 's plan , but she didn 't know how she could get him to rethink it . After walking out of the school auditorium Octavia realized she left the program on her seat and she wanted to put that in Pax 's scrapbook . She told her family to wait for her and went back inside . Standing by the seat she had been sitting in , holding her program , was Danger . A scowl spread on her face and she walked to him snatching it from his hand . " What do you want ? " She growled . " I don 't think that is a good idea . You can just call me . " Her mouth said one thing but her hand snapped forward and grabbed the paper from his hand . " So you have an issue with me renting a house for Pax ? " Danger starts and poured himself a glass of champagne . He tilted it toward her and she shook her head no . " Oh that is great parenting skills Danger . I seem to recall you having a similar caviler attitude with Porter and look at where he is at . He barley is getting by in school because he has to work to help raise two daughters that he had with a much older woman out of wedlock . You really think that having this attitude with Pax is going to turn out well ? " Danger laughed and took a long drink from his flute . " Yeah I screwed up with Porter , but Pax is a whole different ballgame . You hold on too tight Octavia and you will lose your boy . " Before she knew it Danger had her against the motel wall and his lips found her exposed neck . Not having this kind of affection for so long mixed with her attraction to Danger led her to snaking her arms around his neck and pulled him closer . His lips find hers and she moans into his . He slid his hand up her thigh and under her skirt . His hand found the flimsy material of her panties and he tugged and that is when Octavia pushed him away . A burst of energy coursed through her and she pushed him off her . Buttoning her shirt she stands up . " I can 't do this . It isn 't right . " But the following Thursday Octavia found herself standing in front of the sleazy motel looking at the numbers on the door , 69 . How appropriate for her visit there . She had told Kyle and the kids that she had joined a woman 's bowling league and that every Thursday she would be going out after dinner and coming home late . Seeing him laying on the bed in just his boxers she tried to turn around and leave , but his reflexes were fast and he grabbed her and once again threw her on the bed . " I 'm not letting you get away this time Octavia . I need you . " For six days a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mother of five and wife to Kyle Slughorn , the nicest and most sought out man in town . Everyone who knew her envied her and wanted to be in her shoes , if only they knew she was living a lie . Then one night a week she acted like Octavia Slughorn mistress to Danger Zone . It was the one night a week she felt herself and happy . As she drove home , slowly , she saw there was a physic reading taking place at the park . She decided to go and check it out . She needed time to figure out why to say to Kyle anyway . " Child . " She said in her heavy Cajun accent , " He isn 't going to leave you . He loves his wife , but he craves for more then what he is allowed . " How did this woman know ? Octavia was taken back with the fact that this woman knew about her affair . She hadn 't really believed in this stuff . She just sat there and stared there starring at the woman . At that moment two things happened to Octavia . First she got angry with Madame Currie and her mumbo jumbo and threw the doll back at her . Next she turned on her heel and ran toward her car . She knew that her life was with Kyle and she had to get home and tell him the truth and tell him that she loved him and only him . Danger was just something she couldn 't have and that made her want him as if she were a child . She just prayed that he could forgive her and they could restart their life together . As Firefuly 's belly grew Porter and Octavia began to get more and more divided . Octavia forbid him to see her and he wanted nothing more than to see her . However he was still a minor so seeing Firefly was hard and it happened less and less as time went on . Then one day Parley and Pello came home from school and Pello was complaining about his stomach and head . Kyle swooped him up into this manly arms and the poor kid was burning up with fever . Leaning in with worry Octavia asked if he wanted some soup in bed . Pello gave her a weak nod and Kyle carried him upstairs and Octavia went into the kitchen . The whole time Octavia couldn 't help but wonder and worry that this was the doing of that Jennifer she met in a dream once . She even took up muttering the name asking her to make Pello okay . This was something the Slughorn 's had never experienced before and hoped to never experience again . " Don 't look at me like that young man . Until she requests a pertertity test and that says you are the father then and only then will you be able to see her or that baby . Now march your butt back upstairs . " Octavia ? Well you have not one but two daughters . Ana and Robin and they are beautiful . I would never keep you from them , but just know I have conceded … . Octavia wins . I love you and I miss you … . . I shouldn 't have said that . Bye . That night Kyle and Octavia also got into a fight . He knew how he felt about his own Pello and Parley and he loved the other boys as his own . He was on Porter 's side and thought that Octavia was being unreasonable . And as all good fights do it ended in passion . The feel of Octavia 's flesh on his excited Kyle . Since they had found out Porter got Firefly pregnant Octavia hadn 't allowed him to make love to her , but like so many times before as their passion grew Octavia pulled away and the two sunk into their frequent habit of going to bed angry at each other . Ana . He just could not stay away from them . He could not allow his father , the man he was cloned after , to be right about his character . After the first day he saw these two he was hooked and his girls had him wrapped around their little fingers . Despite having to be sneaky and having to lie about where he was going he was happy that he was in his girl 's lives . The only thing that wasn 't working in his favor was Firefly kept him away . When he was there she would go into another room or leave the house just to stay away from him . She barely even spoke to him . Then before everyone knew it Halloween was upon them and costume planning was in full effect . Octavia had the great idea that she and Parley would have mother daughter bonding at the costume shop . They had a great time trying on different outfits . " Um … . " she bit her bottom lip and looked down at her clothes . " I am suppose to be a taunting librarian . You really didn 't give me a lot of time to get a great costume . " She pouted . As the night wound down they went up to the balcony level to get a break from the crowd . They sat together on the couch and as Margo snuggled close to him a huge smile spread on Percy 's face . He was falling for her and he was falling fast . She parted her lips and moved into him . Percy Slughorn shared his first kiss with the beautiful Margo Strickland in a public place and he almost got to second base as his hand crept farther and farther up her leg , but as their making out got heated it was discovered that Margo had some weird " make - out " sounds and the employee working at the arcade that night came up and asked them to leave . He told them that it was inappropriate to conduct themselves in such a manner . They walked home together that night , two blissful teenagers with grins on their faces . " Oh God this is so wrong . " Firefly moans pulling him closer . " But not here the girls will hear us . " Taking his hand she leads him down the stairs and to the couch . " No , " She pushed him up . " I can 't do this . I can 't keep doing this . You are wrong for me Porter . " " Firefly Tuesday I will be eighteen soon and then things will be very different . Just you wait and see . I will be over next week to see the girls . " With that he pushes her back and walks out the door . Pax had a party to attend . He was a very popular kid and the teens of town decided to have a Halloween party at the local park . Everyone who was everyone was at the party and Pax enjoyed mingling it up . " Come dance with me ! " Jade ordered as she pulled Pax closer to the stereo . The two grooved to a very famous Halloween song , laughing the whole time . " I need to take a break and get something to drink . " Pax leaned in and told his dance partner . Jade nodded her head and Pax took off to the juice bar . Not knowing that someone spiked the juice Pax grabbed a glass and downed it in one gulp . " Damn that was good . " Still thirsty he drank another one just as quickly . " Keep your grubby hands off my man . " Bluebell had finally given some attention to Pax and when she saw what was going on her evil side took control and she sprinted to the scene . Keeping a tight hold on the girls blue hair she pulled her farther and farther from Pax . " Come on , come on let me take your picture . " Octavia instructs Parley and Pello to get together . They were getting ready to head out trick or treating but first Octavia wanted pictures . The two animated children did many silly poses for their mother and had a great time posing in their costumes . " You two are silly . " Octavia said as she browsed the pictures on her digital camera . " Now before you go who is going to recite the rules for me ? " Both kids sighed but Parley accommodated . " Stick together . Don 't eat any of the candy before you and dad can look at it and we must be back by 8pm . " The man 's tone and anger surprised and even frightend the children . Standing before them was a honest to God Berry Sims . They had only heard about them , but had never met one . Sure they had regurlar blue , red , and green sims , but not Berries . A boy , around Parley 's age , ran out of the house . " Stop . I am so sorry about my dad . " He was so excited to see the kids that he even pumped his arm in the air in victory . " He doesn 't like children much . We are the Sour 's . I 'm Midori and my dad 's name is Cranberry . " Calming down Pello took the lead . " No problem . He just took us by surprise is all . So you two are real life Berry Sims , huh ? " " My dad hasn 't enrolled me yet . He isn 't use to the parenting thing yet . I was raised by my mom until six months ago when she passed . There was no one else to take me and even though he hates children he did the right thing I guess . " It is what it is . " Midori looked over at Parley who hasn 't said a word the whole time . She was still pretty shaken up by Cranberry 's outburst . " Can you talk pretty girl . " He pushed up his mask thinking that was what was scaring her from talking to him . Parley had a temper and she stuck her jaw out . She didn 't like the way he said pretty girl to her . " Of course I can talk . I just have standards on who I talk to . " She crossed her arms in front of her chest . " I wouldn 't be friends with you if you were the last boy on earth . Come on Pello we have to be going if we are going to make it home by cerfew . " The two began to walk toward the road . To the dance floor where Octavia couldn 't take her eyes off him . Watching his rippling muscles , dressed in very tight black leather , retract as he moved made her face flush red with desire . Kyle could see every look and every vibe between the two of them and he was not liking it one bit . " Danger please . Let me pass . " But when he placed his lips to hers she can 't help herself and snakes her arms around his neck and melted into him . There kissing was hot and passionate and it was making Octavia 's whole body tingle . Then without warning Danger pulled away and leaned his forehead to hers . " Go home with your husband tonight Octavia just remember you are mine and you have always been mine . Soon I will have you again . " " No you listen to me . You are mine . Now go home . " Danger pushed himself off the wall and walked away leaving Octavia feeling an array of emotions from lust , to guilt to anger . Octavia and Kyle 's ride home was quite . Octavia was trying to figure out what happened and Kyle was just stewing about Danger ruining their good time . When hey arrived home they checked on the children and headed to their room . Octavia went into their bathroom and washed off her make - up and slipped out of her costume . Her body was still on fire and the thought of Danger 's intoxicating scent was on her mind . She decided the best way to make these feelings go away was to make love to her husband . The man she loved , the man she had chosen to spend her life with . She came up behind him and incited him by whispering lowly into his ear . " Make love to me . " She could barley get the words out she was filled with so much desire . " Gladly . " He said as he spun her around and led her to the bed . He was glad that she hadn 't forgotten that tonight was about trying to find one another again . It didn 't take them long to be void of all clothing and finding pleasure with each other . Kyle couldn 't help but think about how different it was . How crazy , wild , passionate and even a little kinky it was . Perhaps the long time span since the last time made it this good , maybe it was the dark holiday that drove her wild , but whatever it was it was hot . As he hit her sweet spot he had to watch her expression . Seeing her tuck her lip under her teeth and squeeze her eyes shut drove him to his own euphoria . Their room filled with loud sounds of pleasure and just before Kyle laid his head on her shoulder motionless trying to hold back his tears of disappointment , Octavia made her drive for being so free with her sexuality know by digging her nails in Kyle 's back and screaming Danger 's name . The sun is bright almost too bright for this time of the morning . Octavia shielded her eyes with her hand so she is able to see the park in front of her better . She isn 't sure where she is nor how she got there , but the site in front of her is peaceful and calming . She looked down and realized that she was dressed in an elegant dress in white and gold hues . She didn 't understand where she was and if it was a dream why would she be dressed like this in a park without her family ? She continued to move into the park but stopped when she came across a young lady sitting on a park bench . The woman wasn 't overly pretty but her features were kind and welcoming . Octavia thought it strange that she too wore a garment in the same colors as her dress , but convinced herself it was a dream . She was about to ask the woman where they were but was surprised when the woman greeted her by her name . The woman on the bench laughed , stood up and brushed her dress off . " I know who you are because I created you Octavia . " The statement took Octavia back and she didn 't know what to say . She just looked at the woman giving her a " you 're crazy " with her eyes . " I know this is a shock to you Octavia but it is true . My name is Jennifer and I created you , Kyle , Danger , Misty and several others in your town . " " Lady , you 're crazy . " Octavia backs up and Jennifer grabbed her arm . " You live in Riverview . Your husband is Kyle and you and he share one pretty little girl Parley . Your ex - lover , if you want to call him that , is the handsome Danger Zone and the two of your share two boys ; Pax and Percy . Also in your house hold you have two clones Pello and Porter and you have selected the cute loveable little Pello as your heir . Am I right ? " Octavia swallowed loudly and sunk into the nearby bench . " How did you know that ? Most of it you could have found out from the paparazzi , but Kyle and I haven 't shared with anyone who we have chosen as heir . " " I told you Octavia I created you . Even though you have free will I have made about 85 % of what has happened to you happen . I am even tempted to have you and Danger have an affair … . I miss that stud muffin . " Jennifer pushes her glasses up . " I know you do , but Danger is … well that isn 't what I brought you here to talk about . " " Where is here ? " Octavia asked in a hushed tone . " This is a new world called Hidden Springs . One of your decedents will eventually move her . " The way the woman talked made Octavia very nervous . She was still having trouble believing that she was created and that she was meeting her maker . She gulped and faced the woman . " So . . Um … ah . . why did you bring me here ? " Jennifer guided Octavia to the bridge where they took a seat . Seeing Octavia so nervous made Jennifer giggle as she remembered that Octavia was a coward at heart . As the water moved beneath them Jennifer took Octavia 's hand . " I brought you here to meet you , for us to talk , for us to get to know one another . " " From the sounds of it you know me pretty well . " Octavia tried to clear the frog from her throat and removed her hand from Jennifer 's . " Just in case you have any questions and to also tell you that I will be visiting every generation of the Slughorn 's . So it is up to you if you want to pass the knowledge of me down or not . I already have a fun adventure planned for Pello and I . " Octavia tried her best to hide how nervous she was , but Jennifer could see right through her and so she decided that a little Q & A would make sense . " Speaking of Pello , why did I choose him as heir ? I really felt and still do , that Porter could have had a chance to redeem himself as heir . " " Funny you should ask that Octavia . You have readers out there and … . " " I write your story for people to read , " Jennifer smiled at Octavia 's shocked expression . " And I head a poll to see who the readers wanted as you 're heir and Pello was chosen . I too was hoping for Porter , but then I realized that with either of them your genetics won 't be passed down and for that I am sorry , but it will be okay because going forward if the Slughorn 's have a clone in their home they will not be part of the choice for heir . " " You mean to tell me that not only have you put me and my family through the ringer you have also let others decided my fate ? " Octavia 's voice oozed with anger . In a blink of an eye the two of them were sitting by a tree surrounded by bubbles . " What ? ! ? How ? ! ? " Octavia stammered . Octavia placed her chin in her fist trying to take in everything as Jennifer stretched out on the soft grass . " I want you to know Octavia that your family is going to go through a lot , some wonderful times and some not so wonderful times . Some of you will live to a ripe old age and others go before their time . There will be affairs , betrayal , murder and love children , but there will also be fun times , true love , children , and times that don 't want to be forgotten . Among all this I will be here . I will be here for you , for Pello and all the other Slughorn 's that come after him . All you need to do if you need me is shout . " Octavia didn 't reply she just sat there . The two sat there for a long time not saying a word . As the sun sank and the trees shook their leaves in a protective manor upon them Jennifer stood up . " I have told you what I wanted to tell you now I must go . You can take your time going back to your life , but don 't take too much time . Pello and Parley 's Halloween costumes need to be done and the kids need help with their bake sale at school . " With that Jennifer faded slowly away . One morning Octavia woke with clarity on who she wanted to ask to be heir of the Slughorn name . She got the kids off to school and found Kyle having a rare moment in front of the television . She leaned over him , kissed his forehead and told him that she wanted to talk . Kyle gave her a sarcastic look . " I know who he is , but are you sure ? Babe , he isn 't blood related which means none of your genetics will get passed down . " " I have thought of that , but I still think Pello is who I want . This is why . Pax my dear sweet boy Pax , he would be a great choice as heir , but I feel he already has his own agenda with the Red gal . She is super sweet and I want them to figure out what their future holds and he doesn 't need the weight of being my heir mixed with that . Then we have Percy , my loner of a boy . He too would make a great heir , but his loner trait would close him off from living the life and heir should live . Next comes Porter , yes he is Danger 's clone , but I love him just as if he is my own child . Many would argue that he would make the best heir because he already has children on the way , and believe me I was very close to choosing him , but he is about to be a teenage father and he needs to figure all that out and not have this extra commitment . That leaves our little Pello . " " I think you know me better than that Kyle . " She crossed her arms over her chest , " I am choosing him because he is the best choice . He is a sweet , loveable , friendly outdoorsy kid . He enjoying meeting people , learning new things , help around the house and with his sister and he is just enjoyable to be around . I , just as I do Porter , love him as if I was his mother and he would make me proud being the heir . It doesn 't matter that he doesn 't share my genetics . I have helped raise him and there is still a lot of raising to do . I have passed down to him my morals , values and the importance of truth and respect to others . Yes he will make a great heir for me . Also I have heard rumors that there are big changes coming to our world and I think he would be best equipped to deal with them . " Pierson Baby ChallengeDrowning In ColorA Berry Sweet Famacybuttonsginger . wordpress . com / Taking ChancesBlaine Hawkins ' 100 Wee - OnesSims 3 100 Baby ChallengeRises In The EastA LegacyThe Journey LegacyA Random Legacy Challenge in the Sims 3 that will span 10 generations . differenta backwards rainbowcy . . . toomuchcolor . wordpress . com / Too Much Color , Too Little TimeLook After You " I 'm an angel ( bored like hell ) and you 're a devil ( meaning well ) . Bare your fangs and burn my wings ; I hear bullets singin ' . " Lilly in the WindI 've walked the longest road , so don 't fail me now feet , don 't fail me now . Fire & IceMeet the McCray family . . . BoundThere is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable . ~ Mark TwainA Woeful Lotus " Immortality isn 't punishment enough for what I have done . " ~ Lotus EverglowThe Falling Skies Blog and the Road Less TraveledFalling Skies News , Episode Reviews , Character Reviews and Canadian and Independent Film New and InterviewsThe inside storyThis WordPress . com site is the cat 's pajamasTV AddictWatching just about everythingMadeline Lemi - Generation 3To live is like to love - - all reason is against it , and all healthy instinct for it - Samuel ButlerOur ImperfectionsOne Mother 's Journey to SuccessA Berry Crazy ISBIStyxLady 's " I 'm Surrounded By Idiots " Challenge Attempt |
I opened my eyes and found myself awake in my room , another day had arrived . I jumped out of my bed and got myself dressed . For a monday morning I was surprisingly active , most of the times I just would lay in bed for another half hour , but something got me really quick out of bed today . Could it be possible that the end of time could be near . I walked downstairs where I greeted my parents . My mom was watching the news while eating her breakfast . She already was dressed in her work outfit . My mom was kind of a famous lawyer . I was surprised that she was still at home , although I figured she would have to go to work soon . In her hand she held a ' smootie ' as I called it . A mix of Greek yoghurt , soja milk and various fruits . My mom hates chewing food in the morning so she usually drinks a healthy shake . I looked around and couldn 't see my dad anywhere . Considering that it was already 7 AM he should be on the road for an hour already . My dad was very important in his field of work . He has to travel to various places around the country to make deals with clients . He never really tells me what his field of work actually is , but at the same time we don 't speak much , and when we speak it is most often about me . I grabbed two slices of bread and threw them on a board , followed by a slice of cheese from the fridge . I cut the bread in half and my breakfast was ready . I never really ate much in the morning but had to eat something , after all breakfast was important . I grabbed a glass of milk and started my breakfast . " Gwodbwye mowm . " I said with my mouth full . I didn 't get a reply back and only heard the sound of a closing door . I finished my breakfast and prepared for school . With my packed backpack I headed out of the door , grabbed my bicycle and headed to school . Usually I took my bicycle as my school wasn 't really that far away . It was only 15 to 20 minutes on the bike . Once I arrived at school I parked my bicycle and entered the building . I will save you the boring classes , as it isn 't really interesting to eleborate on that . Just boring lessons in English , chemistry , science , math , you name it . I paid attention in the class as I would learn most stuff in class , so homework didn 't really matter , despite that I did make it . Lunch time had arrived . Like always I sat with two friends of mine at a table in the cafeteria . They were the only people I could consider friends , they were nice and unlike the others I didn 't despise them . They are also the only ones who know I 'm from a rich family . I grabbed my lunchbox . Despite the fact that my mom has to leave early for work she did prepare me lunch . I could make it myself but I simply enjoy it when she makes it . After the lunch break I headed to my locker , next to my locker was a group of waht you could say are bullies . I hated them . They think they are everything and can do anything they want . Today again they called me names and gave soft punches . All on the level that it would hurt me , but that I couldn 't really alert a teacher of it . I continued the rest of the day like I always did . I left school and headed back home . Like usual my parents weren 't home , so I had to make dinner for myself . Both of my parents would eat on the road if they are home late . Luckily there is a large supply of cup ramen in house , but I prefer to cook some pasta and make a basic pasta sauce . I took my dinner to my room where I ate it while watching TV . After finishing it I put the dishes in the dishwasher and ran back upstairs . I made the little homework I had and played some video games afterwards . While making my homework both my parents came home , not concurently of course . I greeted them from above but continued focusing on my homework . After I finished playing video games I headed downstairs for a drink and a quick chat with my exhausted parents before heading into bed myself . It was the endless circle I was trapped in every day . Minor differences here and there , but that is basically how my life is . Boring isn 't it ? But I enjoy my way of living , who knows what the future will bring . I opened my eyes and found myself in the same scenario as any other day . I won 't even bother explaining everything for the second time , you pretty much should have it nailed down with my first explanation . I grabbed my bicycle again and went to school after repreating the same routine at home . On my way to school I had to take a detour , a change for once , how weird . The road was blocked off duo to a special market held across town . It would take a few minutes more to get to school , so hopefully I wouldn 't be late . I decided to take a detour through the park which may or may not have been the better decision . I ran into the bullies from my school and of course they stopped me . The park was as good as empty so they had the perfect oppertunity to do something to me now if they wanted to . " If it isn 't our puny little friend . " the leader of the three said . The other two just chuckled and grinned , they looked like two baby leeches attached to mother leech . They would follow his every command blindly without even caring one bit about what might be better . The alpha male pushed me from the bicycle causing me to fall on the ground . The other two tossed my bike in the bushes , me fearing there might be water behind it . Mentally I wasn 't very strong so I didn 't have the courage to act . I knew I had some physical strength but never could take on these three who surpass me greatly in power . I felt like a catterpillar among these leeches . I felt helpless and didn 't know what to do . I should run , but how far would that get me ? I decided to just take the hits so it would be over . I got a few kicks and punches from the three while being verbally abused as well . I took great pain from their words , them making me feel weak and unimportant . As if I was falling into a deep dark well . " C ' mon bro 's . " he took the two followers and left me behind on the ground . The pain in my ribs was too much for me to handle . I felt like they were fractured . I crawled to the bushes and saw my bike lying a little bit further in the distance . But I was met by a weird stone , in the shape of a pyramid and olive - like in color . Intrigued by the stone I collected it and held it firm in my hand . I crawled further and found the strength to stand up . I quickly grabbed my bike and headed to school , puting the stone in my pocket while doing so . Some of the teachers at school asked me what happened , but all I could reply with was a simple ' Nothing important ' while other teachers just gave me a weird look and ignored me . It was lunch time and I sat with my best friend again . His face was like a baby seal , he looked very squishy and young for someone of his age . He also was the one I got along best with , having invited him over several times . I sighed . " I can 't not tell you it , so . . . . I got beaten up by those three in the corner on my way to school . " I said as I motioned to the three leeches in the corner . " I do care . . . " he said and faced down to the table . Remarks like this sometimes made me wonder if he liked me more than just a friend . I really liked him as well , but I 'm not sure if I liked him in that way . " He ? " I saw that he lightened up a bit again . " He 's sick at home , it seems like he has a bad virus that won 't go away . But I 'm sure he 's better in a few days . " he smiled . I smiled back . The lunchbreak passed by quickly and I returned to my classes . After school finished I headed back home where my mom was almost done with dinner . Today we ate dinner together , which was something I always liked . We talked a little bit , and of course the subject about my bruises also came up . I lied that I took a shortcut through the park because of the market but ran into a tree trunks and landed on the street . They said the standard ' be more careful next time ' and ' does it still hurt ' but I didn 't really care . After dinner I headed upstairs and plumped down on the bed . It was then that I realized that the stone I picked up in the morning was still in my pocket . I revealed the green pyramid and examine it closely . It was a beautiful stone , one that I would want to lose . I held it to my forehead for good luck , but before I knew it the stone disappeared in my forehead . I was terrified by what just happened . I panicked and didn 't know what to do . I scratched my forehead but of course nothing happened . With a worried mind I tried to get some sleep , but didn 't sleep well that night . I opened my eyes and found myself in my bed again , I overslept . How did I oversleep ? I never oversleep . I shrugged it off and headed downstairs . I was lucky my mom was still around to wake me up , but she apparently left immediately afterwards . I saw my lunchbox standing on the table , again she made it . I quickly threw together a sandwich and headed to school . I grabbed my bicycle and went my regular way to school . I remembered what happened yesterday , after I got beaten up I found that weird gem , the one that now apparently is in my forehead . I still couldn 't believe that really happened and for now put it aside , as if it were just a strange dream . I arrived at school and went through the classes like normal . Today again I set together with only one of my friends while the other was still sick at home . " Ah I see . Well I phoned him yesterday and he didn 't really sound good . . . terrible actually . His voice was all cracked and I almost got the impression he was on his dying bed . " he said . " Maybe we should pay him a visit after school . . . it might cheer him up . " I proposed . The seal said . We made the plan to meet up again after school to we could drive to his house together . I should probably tell you his name now , of my best friend . I can 't keep referring to him as a baby seal , although he is one . He is more important than my parents . . . and he 's a bigger part in my life than them , Aiden really is the best person I have ever met . He has a tan skin duo to his ancestry and is somewhat taller than me despite being younger . He had dark brown eyes and dark brown , almost black , hair . Most often wearing a beanie and loved jewerly with things like crucifixs and pentagrams . Classes were over and I met up with Aiden at the back of the school and we went together to the little bird . He was the oldest of the three and a little bit weird . Not much people like him , but we knew he is just misunderstood . Anyhow we knocked on the door and were let in by his mother . We headed upstairs and saw him lying in bed . His skin was different than how it should be . . . it was pale yes , but somehow I couldn 't stop myself from seeing a faint purplish colour in it . He had a faint chuckle and coughed a little . " Don 't worry , I 'm kidding . . . Although I really feel like my death is close . " " Thanks guys . . . for stopping by . . . " he said . We continued talking for a little bit until his mother came in and said it was best for him to get some sleep now . She guided us outside and we stepped on our bikes again . I told Aiden that I was going to go home as my parents were home for dinner again . He understood and headed home himself as well . Once I returned home I could immediately shove in at the table . Another simple dish prepared for tonight , it was nice , but basic . Once again there was little conversation at the table . I quickly headed upstairs again after we finished and laid down on my bed . " The days seem to be passing by much quicker . . . " I said as I stared up to the ceiling . I felt my forehead again . I had convinced myself that what happened yesterday was all just some weird illusion , but I knew in the back of my head that it wasn 't , and that something bad may occur . My thoughts drifted off to another topic . . . Aiden . My feelings for him were becoming stronger every day , and it seemed liked I became more aware of it . However I couldn 't bring myself to tell him that . He might not be interested in me at all and I don 't want to ruin my friendship with him . However I get so jealous when I see him with . . . I sighed . He seems way more into him than me , maybe he does like guys but not me . I had to shrug it off so I started to listen to some music , to get my mind off things . The time passed and I forgot to make my homework , and decided for myself I would do it first thing in the morning . I would still get good grades even if I didn 't make my homework though . It is not that hard , but important it is . I crawled under the sheets and got myself a good nights rest . At least that is what I hoped . I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth . I got dressed again and looked at my backpack which contained my homework . In the end I decided not to make it , besides I was already up later than normal again . I felt like shit , it seemed my emotions got the better of me . Aiden was still heavily on my mind , it really bothered me . I went through my daily morning routine , ate some bread , brushed my teeth and all those kind of things . I hopped on my bike and headed towards school . I was welcomed by the leeches at the lockers . I sighed and just quickly put my books in the locker that I didn 't need for this period . He called me names again . I stood up ignored him and walked away . Why did those guys have to exist ? The world would be better off without them . The classes passed by as normal . I didn 't even get a warning for not making my homework as the teachers all thought that I understood the material anyways because of my high grades . It was lunch break again and I met up with Aiden in the cafeteria again . I opened the lunchbox that this time I made for myself , it seemed mom didn 't have enough time this morning . " Why wouldn 't I be . You 're my friend . " he said . I looked at him and put on my fake smile while closing my eyes . He couldn 't see that I was crying on the inside . The lunch went by awkwardly , I didn 't know what to say during the whole period so it turned out to be quite awkward . When the bell rang I picked up my stuff and headed to my next class . School ended and I left the building without saying goodbye to Aiden , I didn 't know why , but I couldn 't bear myself to bother him with my emotions , and my feelings for him . I didn 't immediately return to home , my parents weren 't home either way and I wasn 't hungry as well . I ride around town for a whole and decided to go to his home , of the sick little bird . I entered his street and stopped near his home when I suddenly saw the bike of Aiden standing outside . I turned around and went home . " You 're late . " my father said , both my parents towered over me like two bears over their little cub . " What took you so long ? " " Nothing . . . " " Anyways , we have something important to tell you . " my father continued . " Your mom and I will be gone for the next few days so you have to take care of yourself . Do you think you can do that ? " " I 'm going up to my room . " I said and left the living room . I ran upstairs and thre my backpack to the side . I didn 't want to make my homework and weren 't planning on doing it anothe time . I don 't need to make homework I know everything already , and the teachers also don 't seem to care . So instead I started up my gaming console and pulled an all - nighter . I heard my parents leave , but they didn 't bother to say goodbye to me . I already knew why they left a few days . Things were no going well for them , they were probably going to get a divorce . Not that I would mind , then it would just be two big empty homes for me to live in . There also was a reason my sister left the house to live with my grandmother , at least she was wise to make that decision . But I never would be able to do that , I 'm too scared to do that . Then again my sister is better than me in every way . She got all the good looks from my parents while I got all the bad ones . She has a smooth skin , beautiful eyes , a lovely voice and her hair looks good in every way . I on the other hand have ugly curly hair , pimples and my body is just wrong . I realized that it was morning . I finished the game already and was aimlessly playing now . It shut off the console and headed downstairs . I wasn 't hungry so I skipped breakfast . My mom wasn 't there anymore to make me lunch , so I decided to skip that as well . I grabbed my bike and went to school . I decided not to go to my locker to avoid those leeches . During the lessons I didn 't bother to pay attention and was just staring out of the window , waiting for school to be over . It was such a drag to be here , the only reason why I was here was to see Aiden , even though he probably didn 't want to see me either way . Lunch break arrived and we sat together on the same table again . The leeches passed by . " I was late as well and headed directly for my class . You can 't blame me for your stupid behavior . " I said blunt and saw Aiden 's face worried for what the leeches would do . " Stupid behavior huh ? " he looked around and then closed on to me . " If you speak to me like that again , you 're getting another beat up just like 3 days ago . Got it . " he tried to intimidate . " Sure got it , can you go now ? " I asked . The leeches turned their heads and walked away . " I 'm going to buy something in the cafeteria . " Aiden grabbed my arm when I stood up , his fingers felt like cotton on my skin . " What is wrong ? You 've been acting all weird lately . " " Huh ? You 're talking about . . . " Aiden sighed . " I couldn 't find you anywhere after school . But I promised that I would visit again . . . " " I see . Well have fun today as well . " I grabbed my stuff and left the cafeteria . Why I did this ? I had no idea . I don 't know why I was being such an idiot and why I was pushing him away . Maybe it was because I knew that it would never come to be . Will he ever notice my feelings for him ? No , I think not , I think it 's not to be . I decided to skip the rest of the day and return home . I didn 't want to be bothered by people anymore , it was such a drag . Once I got home I just aimlessly been playing video games . I noticed that the school was out now and I took my bike to drive to the little bird 's house . Once again Aiden was there . . . I sighed and returned home . Why did I went there in the first place ? I was back home . . . nothing interesting to tell . I discarded my homework and played video games all night as well . It felt like I didn 't even feel the need to sleep or eat anymore . I knew something bad happened to me after I absorbed the gem into me , but I felt like I was accepting it and everything around me just became a bore . I didn 't sleep this night as well . . . I didn 't sleep this night , but got out of bed really late , but fortunately it was weekend now . I didn 't really do anything and just sat on my bed . I skipped breakfast and started playing games all morning until it was about lunchtime . I suddenly stopped and started thinking about Aiden again . What was left of my mind told me I should see him and confess that I love him , but the rest of my brains couldn 't care less about what would happen . I left my room and headed to the bathroom , not to freshen myself up , not to wash myself , not to brush my teeth . All those things were inrelevant to me now . I really couldn 't care less about how my appearance was . I looked into the mirror and saw a green shade appearing on my skin . My pupils seemed to disappear into the iris of my eye , making it a whole thing . I wasn 't shocked by it , it did bother me somewhat , but not enough to make a fuss out of it . I already knew what the gem did to me , it was changing me . My appearance , my personality . The way my brain functioned totally changed . The strangest thing was that my heart still was left the way it was . I remembered my sick ' friend ' . What happened to him now ? As I recalled his skin had a purple shade to it , and that was some days ago . What if something had happened to him too . He was my friend but lately things seemed more complicated , I needed to talk with him about several things . Things that bothered me . I walked downstairs . My parents were still gone for a couple of days , how great . I knew they didn 't actually care of me , that I was just a problem in their life . I was the thing that forced them to stay together while they would be better off on their own , without me . I grabbed my coat and left the house . I didn 't bother to grab my bike and took the bus , which coincidentally stopped in his street . There were lots of people inside of the bus , I loathed them . Humans were such annoying , I loathed them so much . I saw the way they all looked at me as I made my way to the back of the bus . They clearly loathed me too , that was the fate of someone like me . I sat down in the back of the bus until I reached my stop and left the bus , eyes glaring at my back as I did . I walked to his house , I got a bad vibe . As if someone of something didn 't want me to approach the house . I ignored it and did so . I walked around back , I knew his room was on the first floor and that he had a window that looked out to the side of the house . I looked inside and myself from a week would probably be shocked to see what I saw . I saw Aiden getting kissed by him . Normally I would get furious , grief or whatever . But my current state wouldn 't allow me to do so . I loathed him so much , I thought we were friends but then he kisses my crush right before my eyes . I stormed back home , quickly took the bus back and entered my house . I threw a chair across the room and flipped the table . The little bit of emotion left in my heart took over and expressed its feelings . I rushed upstairs and continued playing games . I saw things get darker around me and soon the morning would come . Again I continued playing games until I realized that I finished playing all my games . I didn 't need sleep , I didn 't get the feeling I needed to sleep . I loathed sleep . I wasn 't hungry , I didn 't feel the need to eat anymore . There were only a few emotions left in my heart right now ; sadness , anger , digust , fear and maybe even some joy . I could feel sorrow , depression , despair , all those kind of negative emotions . But joy was almost gone . My body had probably completely changed from the inside now . This body didn 't require food or sleep anymore , I knew it . I grabbed my cellphone and messaged Aiden . My life has been officially ruined . The little joy I had in me had now completely disappeared . I felt grief , depression . I wanted to kill myself . Why didn 't I kill myself ? I have nothing to live for now . I wanted to die , I couldn 't take this anymore . I went downstairs and grabbed the biggest knife out of the drawer . I held the knife to my throat . It didn 't bother me at all , I loathed life now , I loathed myself , I loathed everyone . It would be better to make an end to myself now . I sliced with the knife across my neck . . . . I knew an ogre had possessed me , I was already spirited away . The demon inside of me had already taken over , I could hear my consciousness deep inside , but it was too weak to take control now . My body wasn 't mine anymore . I headed outside on the streets and walked to the park , the place where I first got that dreadful stone . I suddeny saw him standing there , close to the bushes where I found the gem . The purple skinned boy turned around . " I returned to the place where it all began , and I see you did so as well my other half . I can feel your loathing . " he said . He looked shocked . " I 'm afraid that he is with me now , I love him as well . My greatest fear would be to lose him , so you better keep your hands off him . " Monday had arrived . Although I loathed school , I still decided to go there . The house was gradually getting more dustier . The chair and table were still on the floor . I saw a lamp fell over and broke , but I didn 't care . I left the house and took the bus to school . Once I arrived at school I saw the leeches standing next to my locker . I really didn 't care for them anymore . They didn 't interest me at all . I turned my head and stared into his eyes . I sighed , stood up and left the lockers to head for my class . My classes . . . I didn 't know what happened , I loathed school , the lessons , the teachers , the students . I remembered a teacher told me to pay attention but I couldn 't care less . Lunchtime arrived and I sat somewhere in the corner of the cafeteria , silent and just observing what happened . I noticed many people looking at me with weird faces . I knew they loathed me . Only one person had the courage to approach me . . . it was Aiden . " Hey sorry for what happened yesterday . I 'm still a little confused as well , and I don 't know if I made the right choice in this . Maybe I should 've waited longer . But I don 't know if I can be in a relationship with one of you right now . . . I guess I need to sort things out for myself first . " he told me . " No . It 's fine . I can only tell you that my heart says I still love you . . . however this brain isn 't mine anymore . " I told him . He didn 't respond . . . and awkward silence was reached . " Come and see me at the park tomorrow before school please . . . " he asked . " I 'm going to invite him as well . . . I want to talk about this . " " That 's okay . . . " I responded . The bell rang and we both left . I was surprised he wasn 't bothered by my appearance . He probably was though , but he was the only person I could not loathe . . . or feel loathed by . It was a strange feeling . I decided to skip the rest of the lessons again and left the building . As expected I was awaited by my best friends , the leeches . They were blocking the way , and I basically had nowhere to go when one of them also stood behind me , blocking the entrance of the school . " You 're gonna pay for your attitude this morning , faggot . " the mother leech said . I didn 't respond , which pissed him off even more . He snapped his fingers and curled his hands into a fist . He then charged at me , I did nothing , not even blink at his movement . He wanted to punch me right in the gut . . . . when suddenly . . . " That guy is a monster ! " I heard behind me . I turned around and suddenly the boy was gone . . . blood dripping in the ground . I looked at my body and saw a huge mouth across the front crunching on the boy . The other boy watched in fear as one of his friends got crunched while the other missed a hand . It wasn 't long before he was swallowed as well . " Hmm he 's right tho . . . " I said out loud . " Too bad he 's dead now . The three bodies had disappeared into the black abyss inside of me . I walked home and called it a day . I got a text . . . my parents were coming home tomorrow morning . There he was , the little bird , strolling on a Sunday morning through the park . There were no worries , only butterflies in the stomach . His love for his best friend was strong , and he knew he should make his move soon as he know the other one felt something for his crush as well . It is confusing to tell it this way . We are at day 0 . . . the day before Cyrus ' tale was told . Cyrus is the boy who we have been following all this time , the one who now is loathing his own life . You already know Aiden , the crush of both of the friends , complicated situation . . . isn 't it ? The one who were following now ? Well that will be Freddy , Frederick to be precize . Freddy and Cyrus has been in a rivalry without them even knowing it themselves . But they came to realize their true feelings for Aiden once a little gem pushed them to do so . Freddy found a lily triangular gem somewhere in the part . He thought it was beautiful and maybe the perfect gift to give to someone one day . He picked it up and held it to his forehead . . . yeah I guess this has been told before . The gem went right in and fused with his body . The process of Freddy went a little different thant Cyrus ' . Instead of gradually becoming more indifferent and emotionless about everything , Freddy caught a serious cold , and it seemed like he was going to die . Tuesday he stopped coming to school , but nonetheless Aiden kept visiting him every day . He couldn 't be happier . It was then that he could make his move . The gem in his head told him to . He described the fear of ending up alone , of not being with the one who he loves , the fear of someone taking his beloved one away from him . He was direct and to the point . It wasn 't long before the two engaged into a relationship . Aiden waited long enough for his first choice . . . so had to go for someone who actually wanted him . This story went to wrong . . . it became so difficult . . . a lot of feat and loathing in this story . What exactly were these gems ? What were their plans to make this all happen ? I suspect these gems are not originated on this planet . Somewhere in the Fantendoverse must be the home of these two gems . The Gem of Loathing and the Gem of Fear as I am beginning to call them . Freddy wanted to take matters in his own hands now , and so wanted Cyrus . Let 's continue with our last chapter . A new day had arrived . I was out of games to play so I just stared at the ceiling all night , that was until I heard a door close . My parents were home . They didn 't bother to greet me , suspecting me to still be asleep . . . it was early in the morning after all . Normally I wasn 't up by this time . I headed downstairs and I saw my parents looking at me in fear . " That is not Cyrus , this is a monster . . . this is not our son . " my father said . Cruel words indeed , but it was who I am after all . A monster that everyone loathed , one that loathed everyone . Before I knew it I heard screams , two of them . One male and one female . I looked down and I saw that I was devouring my parents . I really didn 't care at all . They didn 't want me anyway , and now I resolved their problem for them . They wouldn 't be bothered by me anymore . I would 've removed myself if I could . But I can 't , so then they had to go . " You guys already began hating each other ? " Aiden sighed . " This is not what I had in mind . I never wanted this to happen , I shouldn 't have been this quick to go into a relationship with you Freddy . I should 've thought better about this . " " So I was just a second choice ? You 're only bound to me because of a promise . . . ? " he asked . " You 're breaking my heart . I thought you wouldn 't leave me , what will I do without you ? " " I never had the courage to tell you I loved you , I thought you didn 't like me . I would 've asked earlier if I could , I 've been in love with you for such a long time . Without you . . . I don 't know it anymore . I think I would never find a happy ending . " I said . " I just want you to be happy . And if that is with Freddy then I won 't stop you . Go ahead , my life is already as miserable as it can be . " I said . " I choose Cyrus . I 've loved him for a long time , before you and me became friends . I feel more confidence in being with him . Sorry . . . " Aiden made his decision , which triggered something in Freddy . . . Freddy was gone now and the Fear had taken over . Fear spread his arms and revealed two long sleeves that seemed to contain a dimension of fears . " He doesn 't deserve you ! " he shouted out . He rushed at Aiden and took him in his arms . " No ! " I shouted . I saw that my demon had taken over as well , I was the Loathing . Aiden was terrified , he was in love with two monsters , or rather two monsters were in love with him . I rushed at Fear and pushed him back . " You 'll never discover my fear . But you exposed youself by telling yours , so I 'm letting that fear become a reality . " I said and opened the mouth on by chest . I sucked Aiden inside of it , not hurting him but only sucking him inside , so he would be trapped inside my dimension . " What should 've been done . Neither of us deserve him , and none of us will get him . " I said . " These new powers made me a god , and I 'm going to act like one . I 'll see you around . " I said and floated away into space . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . 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Welcome to Pen & Paper Games , an online community dedicated to bringing roleplayers together ! You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features . By joining our free community you will automatically be added to our player registry ( unless you opt not to ) and will be able to privately find and communicate with other players in your area . You will also be able to post and reply to topics , vote in polls , and many other special features . Registration is fast , simple and absolutely free so please , join our community today ! If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login , please contact us . Arya had left the Dragon 's Flagon Inn in Luskwald on the 8th of Fireseek , 592 CY , when Leon Chamberlyn had rushed out of the building , having sensed evil . She decided to go with him as she didn 't think the man could take care of himself . He led them west through the woods and the freezing , falling rain for almost an hour . Some three miles down the road , the forest that surrounded Luskwald ended and the road continued west through the plains , though a second road split from it , heading north . Where the road split were the ruins of a stone and wooden house that lay partially collapsed . It was a clear and cold on the 9th of Fireseek , 592 CY , though the rain turned snow had left an inch or so of precipitation on the ground . They were both very hungry . They noticed a signpost where the roads split they had not noticed the night before . The sign for Luskwald pointed back the way they had come and had no indication of the distance to the village . Another sign pointed up the road that followed the edge of the forest . It read " Armskirk - 10 miles . " Leon was intent on heading west , despite being terribly hungry , and Arya , feeling like the man was a little too much , decided to follow the northern road that led to Armskirk . She reached it a few hours later , close to noon . It proved to be a small village with a temple prominent on the hill in the center of town with the rest of the buildings arranged on the lower portion of the hill . The temple had a symbol of a lightning bolt upon it and appeared to be defensible with strong outer walls and arrow slits instead of stained glass . A tall steeple had a shining brass bell atop it . The town was probably twice the size of Luskwald . The inn was called The King 's Shield and was a quaint establishment of two stories . She found a nice little taproom and talked to the older man who was in the place , learning his name was Samuel Croaker . She asked about a dark - haired woman with green eyes who was also a sorceress . Though he knew a lot of women with black hair and a few with green eyes , he knew of no sorceresses . However , he had heard of some kind of sorceress who lived in the Flinty Hills though his story was very vague . Arya had not and the woman looked at her with pity and offered to get her a meal if she would help around the inn for a couple of hours . The elf , not proud and very hungry , was willing to do that and , after her work was done , they fed her and gave her some ale to fortify her . The food was good and filling . Noting her bow and arrows , Samuel offered her five gold pieces if she could bring him some a side of fresh venison . She said she could try . When she asked about a whole buck , he offered her 10 gold coins for good meat . She went to the temple on top of the hill and met with a priest there . He was a middle - aged gentleman with light , thinning hair , cut short , who seemed quite friendly . He wore blue robes and a long sword on his belt . She asked about her eye and the man examined it and changed the dressing on it , tending to it and using some healing herbs on the wound . He was , unfortunately , unable to heal her damaged eyeball . He noted that in some of the bigger cities there were powerful priests who could cast a spell to actually grow back her eye . He asked what god or goddess she worshipped and she noted her goddess of choice was Ehlonna . She hunted for deer near the forest on the southern road that day . She managed to track down and kill a good - sized deer and drag it back to the village . Samuel was quite pleased and sent for the butcher . The two men took the deer to a rack behind the inn , bled it into a bucket which the butcher kept , and cut and dressed the meat . He asked the girl if she wanted any giblets or organ meat and also counted out 10 gold coins , noting there was a general store in the village . She asked him to wrap up a few pounds of the venison and he was happy to oblige . She went shopping , replacing the gear the orcs had stolen , and was given a free meal at the King 's Shield that night . While she ate , she thought she overheard that the next town down the road from Armskirk was called Warrington . She spent the night in the common room of the inn , which she actually had to herself . Arthelion had left that morning with his garnet , claiming he was going somewhere to spend the money . The others in the group were scattered around the village . They were unsure where Noiree or Kilb were either but assumed they were somewhere close . That morning , the two also talked to the peasants and former slaves . They made sure to get the dozen people two meals per day and a place to sleep at night but it was starting to cost them . The people were also anxious to be returned to their homes , if at all possible . All 10 adults and two children told them where they lived and they finally took the time to learn their names . The little boy and girl , each of them no more than 13 , were Robertus and Idamay . Robertus was from a village called Archmouth and Idamay was from a town called Warrington . Another was a merchant named Tybalt Rice from Womthan , the capital of the duchy . Four of them were from a village called Troutberk and claimed they had been taken by the orcs when a large band of them had attacked the village some months before . They were Betsy the Gemsmith , Petur the Fletcher , Gaufroi Rapidmantle the Leatherworker , and Libbe Aphrah , a poor housewife . They weren 't sure if Troutberk had survived the attack . Another woman , Tatty Royse , had lost her husband and told them she was from Armskirk , as was Rulf the Butcher . Aimery Smith was the smith of a village he named Calmornock and Percyvell Sharp was a beekeeper from the village of Windrip . The last of them was a tax collector from Womthan who had been traveling in the area when he 'd been captured by the orcs . Elriya questioned them at length and though none of the villagers knew where Luskwald was in relation to their own village , most of them had heard of it . She learned Troutberk lay on a river with woods across the water from it . Archmouth was the same way though there was a large stone bridge there that crossed the river . They all knew the forest was called the Gentle Birch Forest , which they learned from Coryston was the forest Luskwald lay within . Coryston also described the forest as vast . They learned Warrington was between two forests : the Shadow Forest and Hollow Butternut Woods . The Hollow Butternut Woods was also familiar to the villagers from Calmornock . After talking to the people in their charge , Tarmak began fiddling with the red box they 'd brought from the underground temple . The red box was approximately 12 inches long , six inches wide , and four inches deep . It was made of a strange red metal and was surprisingly well - preserved . Although shaking it revealed there was something within , no seam or method of opening the box was visible . The top was monogrammed with the letters JC in Flan lettering and the underside of the box contained four dials , each of which contained six Flan runes . He tried different combinations and , surprisingly soon , found the combination of " ANYA " caused a " click . " He turned the box and , when he lifted it by the top , the lid pivoted back . Within was a small pouch and a long , ivory wand decorated with symbols and markings of vines , leaves , and flowers with stylized urns or pots on either end . When he opened the small pouch very carefully , he found it had a small amount of dust of some kind in the bottom . He guessed there were three small pinches of the stuff . He closed the lid of the box with the items within and turned the dials on the bottom . The seam seemed to vanish , the box shut so tightly , and it was again impossible to open . But he knew the combination . It was around noon when Arya entered the inn , having come back from Armskirk that day . She had a backpack and gear once again and carried a small , bloodstained piece of cloth around something . She went to Coryston and asked him for something to replace the cloth with . " It 's about 10 to 15 miles , " she said . " Half a day . Leon went on some other path . I don 't know where he is now . I 'm sure he 'll be fine . He seems able . A little reckless . " Tarmak and Elriya realized there was only one person in the group of former slaves from Warrington . Then Laird Donavan Yanek arrived at the inn . He was a portly fellow with a well - trimmed beard and mustache . They discussed returning the former slaves . Arya took some of the venison to the dwarven innkeeper and he said he 'd cook it up for them if she wanted . They soon smelled bacon and then venison . Elriya suggested they see if the peasants would go to Armskirk but when Tarmak talked to them , they were afraid to travel alone . None of them had any weapons or skill with arms and they feared getting lost or attacked . They only wore makeshift cloaks and light clothing as well . Though it was probably warm enough for them to travel during the day , weather permitting , they would probably freeze to death at night . They also had no money . Elriya finally told the confused Arya what they were doing , trying to get the former slaves back to their homes . She noted they didn 't know where any of their homes were , however , making it more complicated . Arya suggested if any of them were from Armskirk or Warrington , at least they would know the way . She asked if there was any money left over from the money Leon brought back and Elriya noted they had some gold but taking care of all the people was making it dwindle quickly . Tarmak suggested taking them all to Armskirk and giving them a few gold coins each . Elriya suggested people there might know where the other villages were . Tarmak pointed out there was a temple there as well . Arya remembered coming from central Nyrond , from the southwest . She remembered going up a road that went through a swamp before she reached another village with a fine stone bridge , woods on the other side of the river from the village proper . She remembered the village had been called Archmouth and she had passed through it , following the road along the river , the forest on the opposite bank , until she reached the burnt out remains of another village . There were few buildings left and the wooden walls had also been burned to the ground , leaving only a few standing here and there . She had no idea what the name of that village was but there were no people there . She had taken shelter there that night in the remains of one of the homes . She related all of that to them . They followed the road back to Armskirk , passing the ruined house and heading up the road to the village , following the tree line . Arya left them to hunt once again . The road soon curved away from the forest and they saw Armskirk on the lone hill on the plains . They found the King 's Shield Inn , passing a blacksmith and a weapon smith and armorer on the way . They also saw the temple of Hieroneous on the hill . Tatty Royse and Rulf the Butcher were happy to be home . The people of Armskirk were both surprised and happy to see the two , though when they learned Tatty 's husband had died as a slave at the hands of the orcs , they were very sad . Samuel Croaker was especially happy to see Rulf as they had been friends . Many villagers came to the inn that night to see the man and Rulf told his tale of how the adventurers had rescued them from the orcs . They learned over the course of the evening that Tatty and her husband had been traveling west to the next village , a place called Windrip . When they asked about Warrington , people in the village didn 't know where that place was . Idamay was terribly sad . She wanted to go home though her parents were dead . Arya asked Samuel where Warrington was but the innkeeper was unsure . He did know it was not on the road which ran to Windrip and then curved back down to the Old Border Road , the same one that ran through Luskwald . However , he pointed her out to a well dressed man in a red jacket sitting in the back smoking a pipe . The man was heavyset and had a finely clipped and combed red beard , the edges of both it and his mustache curled upward . He wore a crumpled red chapeau on top of his head . A fine , fur - lined cloak hung over the back of his chair . A mug of ale was on the table in front of him as well as numerous pieces of parchment , a ledger of some kind , and an ink bottle and quill . He seemed to be writing . A leather satchel stuffed full of more paper was on the floor by his chair . " No no . You will be able to keep a copy of the map . For two gold coins , you can look at the map for as long as you want , this evening . But I will require it back . " The three went to the man and paid him 10 gold coins for a map of the area . He gave them a finely crafted map which not only showed towns but various ruined buildings and other structures . They found the villages of Armskirk , Windrip , and Luskwald and saw that Archmouth , Calmornock , and Warrington were all further to the east on the other side of the Gentle Birch Forest where Luskwald lay . They saw Troutberk was also listed . Two other small woodlands were marked : the Shadow Woods and the Hollow Butternut Woods . The Flinty Hills were far to the north . The other two saw Bartleby go up the stairs to the second floor just before they went to bed . He had rented the large room above . They decided to spend the night in Armskirk and head back for Luskwald the next day . They spent the night in the common room . Three other travelers stayed there that night . One was a cobbler and the other two were farmers looking for work from some village past Windrip . Arya had the luck to take down a massive buck that night . She dragged it back to the village , taking it to the butcher shop , which was closed by the time she arrived around midnight . She took it around the back of the flat - topped building and noticed a ladder to the roof there . The building itself was stone with a parapet around the roof and almost appeared to be built to help defend the town . There were a few racks out back for bleeding out animals and the like . At the King 's Shield Inn , Tarmak and Elriya were eating the complimentary breakfast of cold meat , cheese , bread , and watered - down wine when Arya came into the place , yawning . Idamay was there with the two . Arya gave the venison to the innkeeper on the condition he cook some up for them . " We 're here , " she said , pointing at Armskirk . Then she pointed to Warrington . " And it 's over there . We 're going to take you there . " Idamay looked at her shoes , which were too big for her feet . Elriya looked around and spotted the traveling cobbler eating porridge nearby . She asked him how long it would take for him to fix up Idamay 's shoes so they would be tight around her feet . The man examined the shoes and gasped , looked at the woman , gasped , looked back at the shoes , and gasped again . " Wrap her feet in this , " he said . " That should take care of it . They 're Bellineks . They won 't fit ? That 's impossible . No no . Did you steal these ? " " I know ! I aspire to be half as good as he . Otto Bellinek is the most amazing cobbler in all the land . He … his shoes make your feet feel more comfortable . He 's amazing ! But if you 've got shoes that don 't fit her , that 's very suspicious ! " The cobbler pointed to his eyes , then to hers , and then back to his own . Tarmak explained they had been in a rush to get shoes for people who had been slaves of the orcs and the shoes were just what Bellinek had laying around . The cobbler took him at his word . Then he leaned close to Tarmak . Arya left , returning to the butcher to ask them how long it would take to dry some meat for her . They told her they could salt it but that would take a few weeks . They also said they could smoke the meat , which should only take a couple of days . She wanted about enough for three weeks and they were fine with that . She returned to the inn and told them she was getting food smoked . Tarmak ran back to Luskwald that day as he was very quick . He learned nothing had happened the night before . The curse was apparently lifted from the village . He paid for the eight remaining people to stay for the night . He also told the four people from Troutberk their village was gone . He asked if they wanted to stay in Luskwald or wanted to be taken to another town . Betsy , Petur , Libbe Aphrah , and Gaufroi Rapidmantle all wept at the news . They had suspected such , but had hoped they were wrong . He showed them on the map where Troutberk had been . The four were thinking about staying in Luskwald . Gaufroi was a leatherworker and thought about setting up in one of the abandoned houses , though he didn 't have a good water source . After some short discussion , they decided they would ask Laird Yanek if they could have one of the houses , preferably the one not filled with broken glass , and use it for their own and try to set up some kind of shop there , perhaps . They had absolutely no money , however . But they had gotten to know some people in town . Tarmak quickly found Percyvell Sharp , who he knew was from Windrip , and brought him back to Armskirk by that afternoon . They continued on to Windrip , arriving by dark . A little larger than Luskwald , Windrip had perhaps 30 buildings and stood on the plains surrounded by farmlands . It was very windy in the village . The place held a tavern and inn and once they arrived , Percyvell told the man he lived a half mile from town . The house was north of the village and very small . Percyvell noted he had been snatched by the orcs some five weeks before when he was out looking for seeds for more flowering plants . They found the place very dusty and obviously unlived - in , but intact . The food in the place was rotten and Percyvell had to throw it out , opening the windows to air out the house . He did have plenty of honey and the two built a fire in the living room and then sat at the table and ate honey out of a jar and talked . They closed up the house after that and he offered Tarmak his room up above . He also gave the man five clay pots filled with honey from his store in the basement and thanked him profusely , telling him if he was ever in Windrip , he would have a place to stay . Also that day , back in Armskirk , Elriya noticed Bartleby the Mapmaker spent a lot of time in the taproom drinking ale and drawing or revising maps . She crept up the stairs and tried to break into the most expensive room , which actually had a lock on the door . She found the lock too much for her , however . The doors to the other rooms all had latchkey strings hanging out , pieces of leather coming through the hole in the door over the latch within . They could easily be opened from either side but if the renter wanted privacy or security , he could pull in the leather string to " lock " the door . She peeked into one of the rooms and saw there was a narrow bed with a straw tick , chamber pot , tiny stand with pitcher and bowl , chest with a key in the lock , and pegs on the walls . The room had a window and shutters , both closed , but was very cold . She found the chest bolted to the floor and empty . Elriya watched Bartleby the Mapmaker carefully during supper that night . The two and Arya were the only ones staying the night in the inn . A few locals were there for ale and to gossip or play darts early in the evening but left shortly after suppertime . Bartleby ate a substantial supper of venison , as did the women , who were not paying for their dinner due to the deal Arya had made with Samuel for the meat . " I suppose I shall be moving on tomorrow , " they overheard the mapmaker say to the innkeeper . " I suppose everything is in order here . I will spread the word of your lovely inn ! " They learned he was heading for Windrip and then back in the direction of Womthan . He told the innkeeper he had started at the far side of the Duchy of Womthan and was traveling back towards that city , mapping the border area as he went to make a new map for Duke Finelann for " defense of the realm ! " He talked loudly and long about his mapmaking expedition and his closeness to the duke . Elriya jumped up , crossed to the stairs , and slipped up the steps after the mapmaker . She saw the man draw forth a key from his money pouch and open the door . He slipped into the room and closed the door behind him . She heard the key turn in the lock . She crept to the door and listened at it but could not hear very well . The door was obviously solid . She crept back down the stairs . Arya watched her from across the room , the elf ranger making sure all of her items were on her person in case they had to beat a hasty retreat . Elriya crossed to the kitchen and pushed open the door , peeking in . She saw Samuel and Amanda cleaning up the kitchen for the day , hanging pots and pans back on the hooks from the ceiling . Amanda took cold meat and cheese and opened a small door in the outside wall , putting them into a box there . Elriya guessed the little door probably led to a small chamber or box attached to the building to use as refrigeration - at least during the winter . Samuel put a bar on the back door . Samuel returned some time later and asked if they needed anything else . When they said they didn 't , he bid them " goodnight " and went to the front door , pulling in the leather latchkey strap . He didn 't bar the door , though one leaned against the wall next to it . He left , going into the kitchen , which they knew connected to a small room he and his wife lived in . Elriya crept back into the kitchen . A fire roared in the fireplace , obviously recently stoked by Samuel or Amanda . Pots and pans hung from the ceiling near dried herbs , spices , and dried meat . Part of the counter actually had a stone top for cutting . The kitchen door opened and Arya walked in . Elriya went to a pump and drank down several cups of water . Then she announced she was going to bed , leaving the kitchen . Arya realized the Halfling was planning on waking up soon but didn 't know why . She gave the Halfling a suspicious look . The two bedded down . Arya lay there , watching the Halfling carefully . She was tired but able to stay awake . She was still awake a couple hours later when Elriya got up , looked at the elf , picked up a chamber pot , and crept out of the room . Arya heard her urinate and then she returned to the room and put the chamber pot back down . She crept back out of the room . Elriya crept into the kitchen and found the fire had been reduced to red hot coals that glowed and pulsed in the darkness . They were still obviously very hot and so she took the cauldron , turned it upside down , and put it atop them . She figured that would protect her well enough . She climbed up into the chimney , starting to sweat immediately from the heat from the fire . She clambered up and didn 't find any connection to the room above at first . She thought she heard someone in the kitchen below not long after she began her ascent . Arya got up not long after Elriya left the room . The taproom was empty and the latchkey chord still pulled in , so she looked into the kitchen . No one was there either and the bar was still on the back door . The connecting door to the innkeeper 's room was closed as well . The only other place the Halfling could have gone was up the chimney , but that would be stupid , if not completely insane . Elriya had never climbed up a chimney before and it wasn 't pleasant . She felt like she 'd been climbing for some time and guessed it was going to go all the way to the roof . She 'd expected the fine room to have a fireplace and then found a connecting chimney , obviously above the second floor room . She looked down into it with irritated eyes and could see the glow of coals . The flue was open . However , the chimney was very narrow and she wasn 't sure she 'd be able to climb down it . In the kitchen , Arya heard debris falling down from the chimney , landing in the coals and bouncing off the cauldron , which she noticed was sitting upside down in the fireplace . She wondered what was creeping into the inn from the roof so she took out her bow and nocked an arrow . Then booted feet came down and landed on the cauldron . Elriya leaned down to exit the fireplace , saw Arya , and stopped . Arya sighed in relief and lowered the bow . They found a little jar filled with lard . There was not a lot as Elriya had hoped . Arya helped her put it on her shoulders and hips . Then the little Halfling climbed up the chimney again . Elriya scuttled up the chimney again , getting to the attached chimney to the room . She climbed into the tight little aperture and wedged her way in , feet first , sliding down to the fireplace just above the coals . She could hear a light snoring . She peered into the good - sized room and saw a large bed to the left , Bartleby sleeping in it . The door was directly across from the fireplace . A wardrobe and dresser were to the right and there were a few hooks on the walls , one of which held his fur cloak and another which held the man 's satchel . A chest was at the foot of the bed and a small nightstand with a single drawer was by the bed , a bowl and pitcher atop it . She quietly moved to the chest of drawers . The three drawers were filled with extra clothing , undergarments , and the like . Nothing of value was in the piece of furniture . She crept to the chest but found it locked . She tried to pick it without luck . The lock was simply too complex . He looked around but didn 't seem to see anything . He leaned over , obviously listening . Finally , after what seemed like a very long time , he lay back down and , after about five minutes , she heard him start snoring again . She stood back up looked at the nightstand . A pipe and a pouch , probably filled with pipeweed , was on top of it . She slid the drawer open . Some pocket items were in the nightstand , as well as two keys . One was large and one was small . She guessed the smaller one went to the chest and she took it , creeping to the foot of the bed . She was halfway there when the snoring got louder . She stopped a moment and then crept on . She fit the key into the lock on the chest and opened it up . Within was a belt pouch , boots , and saddlebags . She quietly searched the bags . She found paper , journals , and 11 bottles of ink . One of the saddlebags held 10 bottles of ink while the other held only one . There was a great deal of blank pieces of parchment and a couple of dozen quills . She moved one of the bottles into the bag with a single bottle and then took two bottles from the other bag , sticking them in her pouch . She stole a couple sheets of parchment and two quills . She also took one of the eight leather bound blank books . She crept back to the fireplace and climbed into the chimney again but slipped , falling back down onto the coals . The lard on her had dripped down onto her legs and feet and the flames licked at her as she almost let out a scream . She had been badly burned . She pulled herself back up into the narrow chimney , wedging herself through the tiny one . Then she fell again , dropping down onto the cauldron , flopping out into the room , smoke coming from her boots . Arya ran to the Halfling woman and patted her down , putting out the smoldering fire on her feet and legs . Then she picked up the Halfling and headed out of the inn through the taproom , putting the leather latchkey back out through the hole . She carried Elriya up the hill to the temple . The temple was dark and she laid Elriya down and knocked on the front doors . Eventually , she saw a light from within and the door opened . The priest was there , holding a sword in his hand . He looked at her suspiciously . He opened the door and she carried Elriya into the church . The priest looked the Halfling woman over , his lantern hanging from a hook nearby . Elriya was partially burned and covered in soot . Her shoulders and hips glistened with the lard they 'd spread on her . She still wore her mask and black clothing . When he got to the Shield 's Rest , he was greeted by Samuel , who asked if he wanted breakfast for three copper pieces . The innkeeper noted they still had venison from the day before and he was going to make some eggs to go with it . Tarmak sold him the pots filled with honey for two gold coins and breakfast of eggs and venison . " No , they were gone , " the innkeeper said . " Though someone was fiddling in the kitchen . Somebody was messing with my cauldron . I don 't know what was going on there . " Elriya woke up . She found herself in a clean room in a comfortable bed . She was only wearing her underclothing . Everything else was gone . A tall man with thinning brown hair sat on a chair next to her bed . He had a lightning bolt symbol on his amulet and wore blue clothing . Two men stood by the door , both of them heavily armed and wearing chain mail . " Yeah , I was at the innkeeper 's and I went to get up and get some water . Relieve myself . There was a coal that had fallen onto the kitchen and I stepped on it and crashed into some pot or something . I don 't know . Hit my head . " " You didn 't have any head trauma , actually . That 's interesting . You had some trauma to your body on the whole . You could probably see the bruises if you lift up your shirt . Your feet were apparently on fire , which was interesting as well . Why were you covered in lard ? " Tarmak had gone by the butcher , the blacksmith , and the weapon smith and armorer . He was a little surprised at the number of old men hanging out in the latter two buildings , playing checkers and gossiping . He noticed a priest of Hieroneous heading down the hill and going to the inn . He stopped the man before he went in . The innkeeper related the story of the cauldron upside down on the fire and the lard all being missing from the kitchen . The priest asked if the lard jar had been knocked over or if there was a mess . Samuel said there was not , just the missing lard and the cauldron . He noted they were frying a lot of bacon that morning to get more grease and offered the priest some . Tarmak left and headed up the hill to the temple . He saw Arya sitting by the front door of the temple on the ground , her winter blanket wrapped around her . She looked bothered and sad . " I just knew that she was unconscious and could have been hurt or maybe even died the next morning . So , I did what I thought I could . You weren 't around so I couldn 't just take her to you . " " Fharlanghn ! Fharlanghn . Ah yes . We don 't have many of those around here . Surprising . You would think traveling priests would be more common in Armskirk . But can I help you ? " " I 'm … not sure yet . Some very strange things happened at the inn last night . The stories are not quite matching up . You know how that goes . And so as the lawful priest of this town , I need to find out what happened . So far , we haven 't had any complaints of being robbed , but finding out the truth is important , wouldn 't you say ? " " That 's right , " he said . " That 's right . I never can remember the name of that town . Yes yes . Well , something happened at the inn last night . I just want to get to the bottom of it . " " Hmmm , " he said . " Of course . Of course . Understandable . But , anyway , I must talk to your friend . I haven 't gotten her name yet . What 's her name ? " " Yes yes . I haven 't gotten her name yet . I haven 't talked to her quite to that extent . But , just trying to get to the bottom of what happened . Perhaps it 's nothing . Perhaps it 's just mischievous pranks . " " Oh , that 's not important . I 'm going to cast a spell which … you must tell the truth . If you lie to me , you 'll react … it will not be pleasant . It won 't hurt you , but you 'll be very uncomfortable and I 'll know that you 're lying . All right ? " He pulled out a large emerald , ruby , and diamond . They were too large to possibly be real and she guessed they were glass . He touched his holy symbol and said a few magical words , gesturing briefly . The gems disappeared from his hand . She didn 't feel anything . " Yes , please tell me your name . A false name . Say Finkelbottom - whatever you want to say - just don 't tell me the truth . " " This are glass , " he said , showing her the stones . " These are not worth the glass they are used to make them , by the way . See , glass . They 're garbage . Oh wait . See ? I have a spare diamond . " " Because , I need them to cast a spell . It requires this to cast the spell . Now , what I require of you : I want you to lie to me when I ask you the next question . If you don 't , I 'm not going to believe anything that you say . Understand ? Thank you . " " You know what I mean , " he said . " It didn 't affect you . You would have known if it affected you . It wouldn 't cause you any pain , per se . Perhaps discomfort . Not what you did . Now , we found , on your possession , some vials of ink and some paper and quite a substantial amount of gold . Now , there 's a priest outside who says you are in his charge . He 's a priest of Fharlanghn , so not completely honest , but sometimes they can be . I understand that . If you tell me the truth now , I 'm willing to release you to his charge so long as any and all items that were stolen are returned . Are we of an understanding ? I will not have crime in my town . " " I 'm willing to overlook this , " he went on . " This time . So long as you place yourself under his charge and he is willing to accept any and all responsibility for you in the future . " " You 're thinking far too long about the lie you 're going to tell so I need you to tell me the truth , " he said , frowning . " What did you steal ? Was it the gold ? " " It was the silver dagger . Interesting . Anything else ? Because the only other person staying at the inn , I have found , is some mapmaker or something , whom I will be asking to search his belongings to make sure he is not missing anything , like a silver dagger . Or ink and a pen and paper . " " The notebook 's mine , " she lied . " I just … I ran out of ink to write in it and … the cartographer wouldn 't give me any . " " Very well , " he replied , obviously not completely believing her . " We will be questioning the cartographer as well . You may wait here until we find out the truth … because the truth is all . " " Very well , " he said . " I 'm going to assume that you also stole the quills and the paper . The rest will be returned to you . I do not have anyone actually claiming to have been robbed . But this town is under my protection and I will not have thieves . Are we of an understanding ? " " Pay for the … no . No . The ink will be returned to the cartographer when he returns or else I 'll have it sent on to him . I do not allow thieves to buy their ill - gotten gains . " He left with the man , who took him back to the temple . The priest of Hieroneous introduced himself as Nathaniel and shook his hand . Tarmak introduced himself as well . " The Halfling Elriya is guilty of theft , " Nathaniel said . " She confessed to it . However , in deference to the fact that there is no complainant , I am putting her in your charge . Literally in your charge . " " She was a traveling companion . Now she is in your charge . If she is found thieving in the bounds of Armskirk again , you will both be punished for any of her crimes . Is that understandable to you , sir ? " " I don 't wish to hold it against you . You seem like a fine fellow . But I will not have crime in my town . So … I have also confiscated two bottles of ink , two quills , and two pieces of parchment from her that she confessed to have stolen . You will watch her and make sure she does not thieve again . Is that agreeable ? Can I have your word on it ? " " Very good . I 'm sorry you 've had to be a part of this . You might wish to talk to her about the evils of thievery . " " Should you break any laws , you 'll both be punished for it , " he said . " If the law calls for your hand to be chopped off , his hand will also be chopped off . If the law calls for you to be fined for something , he will also be fined an equitable amount . If you are jailed , he will be jailed . If you are to be executed for a crime , he will be executed for a crime . " " You really should take this more seriously miss . We could have had you locked up and confiscated all of your property , but you 're a stranger here and certain people in the town seem to like and respect you and your comrades . So you are free to go . " He motioned to a guard , who went to the wardrobe in the room and brought her all of her items . The priest removed the vials of ink , the paper , and the quills . The guards left to give her privacy to gear up . She soon left the room and found Tarmak waiting for her in the next room . They found Arya at the inn , eating breakfast . After they ate , they returned to Luskwald with Idamay . On the way there , Tarmak told her about certain gods of law and justice that she should avoid , at least if it was due to the Halfling getting into trouble . Arya paid little attention to it . Elriya told her to simply not trust any priests except Tarmak . They arrived at Luskwald around noon and picked up Robertus and Aimery Smith . Tarmak gave Tybalt Rice and Geffrei Foregrain five gold coins each in the hopes they would be able to find their way back to Womthan . Then they continued on east from there . Archmouth proved to be only about five miles away . It was a quaint little town on the other side of a solid stone bridge marked with symbols and runes . The craftsmanship was superb and the bridge in good shape despite its obvious age . They asked around town about Robertus and it took them the rest of the day to find his great aunt , who lived near the center of town . She was older but more than willing to take the boy since his parents had died in slavery . " Here 's all I have , " she said . " You can have this . It 's a blueberry pie . Thank you so much for bringing my nephew back to me . Oh my goodness . Oh . " " Wait , what if I want to come with you and be an adventurer ? " Robertus cried , clinging to Tarmak 's tunic . " Can I come with you and be an adventurer ? " " Oh Robertus , come on , " the old woman said , taking him by the ear . " I don 't have any boy 's clothes , but we still have your mother 's clothing . Let 's put you in a dress . " It was close to dark by then so they stayed at the River Rook Inn , a place with the sign above the door showing a river with a chess piece , a rook , standing in it . The food and drink were good and the innkeeper read poetry and history aloud in the taproom in the evening . Though not a bard , the man apparently aspired to be one . The 13th of Fireseek , 592 CY , continued cold and overcast . They headed east that morning to the village of Calmornock , some five more miles down the Old Border Road . The people of the village were so happy at the return of Aimery Smith , the only smith the village had had , they had a great celebration . The adventurers were told they could stay at the local inn for free and there would be a feast that night . People were very happy about the return of their blacksmith . There was a feast at the inn that night . The building was long and built more like a feasting hall than an inn . There were no actual rooms but anyone who wished to spend the night there could stay in the taproom for a small fee , which was waved for the adventurers . They were plied with ale and even wine that evening and not allowed to pay for anything . The locals were also impressed with the fact that an elf was with the party , something most of the people had never seen before . Much to her discomfort , they pointed and stared at her . It continued cold and cloudy on the 14th of Fireseek , 592 CY . Warrington lay some 10 miles down the road past Calmornock and they arrived at the place before noon . The small village had stone walls around it and everyone in the village appeared to be armed . Even the children had knives on their belts . The locals seemed very cautious of outsiders . Idamay told the adventurers she looked forward to getting her knife back and Elriya gave her the silver dagger they 'd gotten in the Scar . Idamay hugged the Halfling girl with tears in her eyes . They eventually located some cousins of the girl who said they would take her in . There were more tears when they parted from the little girl . She said she would miss them and asked them to write her . It surprised them the little girl could write and once they left the house , they looked at the note . It read " I luv you Leon , Idamay " with several hearts on it , one before and one after her name . The exterior read " To Leon . " Elriya found the local provisioner actually had ink and quills for sale so she purchased some . " See how much easier that is to buy the stuff instead of shimmying up a chimney and trying to get back down ? " Tarmak said to her . The man in front of Elriya drew his sword as two of the bandits flung their spears at Arya . One of them scratched the girl as it flew by her arm . Another man flung his spear at Tarmak but it missed . The man with the sword swung high as Elriya ducked to one side . Arya shot the man who 'd flung that spear that had hit her , the arrow striking him in the chest . He fell with a shriek . Two men drew their swords and rushed at the priest and the ranger , both of them missing completely . The man near Elriya also swung wildly and didn 't connect with the Halfling . Arya stepped back from the man and fired at him but the arrow slapped against her arm and she dropped her bow . Tarmak , next to her , swung his staff but the bandit blocked the blow with his shield . The man cried out in pain from the blow . Tarmak swung at his opponent once again but the blow was too high . Arya drew her dagger and stabbed at the man she faced but missed . Elriya ran up behind the man fighting Tarmak and stabbed him in the back . He fell with a confused scream . The last remaining bandit rallied . They searched the men and found each had a spear , long sword , shield , and leather armor . None of them had any money in their pockets . They decided to examine the tower and see if anything was within . The floor was dirt and the doorway was very low , only about five feet in height . Stone steps went up to the remains of a second floor but they could see sunlight above . The place didn 't have a roof . A search of the ground floor revealed a spot where the dirt was disturbed as if it had been dug up and piled back . When they dug it up , they found a small chest . Opening it revealed four money pouches and a few worthless odds and ends . There were a few coins in each of the coin pouches and a quick tally revealed a total of 36 copper coins and 12 gold coins . Elriya climbed up the stones steps to the cobblestone floor above . She found the corpse of a man in fine clothing who had been stabbed several times , his clothing covered with bloodstains . She searched the man and found a good - sized opal tucked into his cheek like chewing tobacco . She guessed the man had been a traveling merchant and had been murdered by the bandits . Tarmak noted he could run back to Warrington while the women watched the bandits . He returned within a couple of hours with a few men from the village who came to collect the bandits . They told them about what happened in the attack and the body that was found . The constable and men from the village took the body and the four men back , the body for burial and the men for justice . The three returned to Calmornock that evening and spent the night in the inn . They sold the swords , spears , and shields for a few gold coins . Arya purchased a short sword in the village as well . They returned to Luskwald by noon on the 15th of Fireseek . Elriya got Betsy the Gemsmith to appraise the opal and learned it was worth 90 gold pieces . Tarmak found that Tybalt Rice and Geffrei Foregrain were still in Luskwald and so gave each of them five more gold pieces to help them survive until they could find a way back to Womthan . Arya picked up the smoked meat , keeping about a week 's worth for herself and giving a week 's worth to Tarmak and a week 's worth to Elriya . Tarmak talked to the butchers and purchased the hides of the two deer from the men for five gold coins . Rulf the Butcher noted they had been kept in the upper room that was ventilated so they were not rotten at all . Tarmak bargained the men down to four gold coins , even though Rulf told him the one deer had been called The King of the Forest due to his size . They returned to Luskwald that day by nightfall . Tarmak found Gaufroi Rapidmantle the leatherworker and gave him the hides . He was most gracious , telling Tarmak he was still getting his chemicals and materials together to get to work leatherworking . |
Tonight , one of the local gay bars was having a Halloween party . Costumes were optional so I thought I 'd go for a few drinks and check things out . I had just gotten a drink at the bar , turned around , and nearly ran right into Adam . I goggled at the tousled blond hair that my fingers longed to run through , the eyes that my longings dove into every time I looked into them , the smile that tore my heart out without ever leaving those lovely , languid , luscious lips . . . okay , that 's not the best alliterative poetic phrase ever concocted , but god , that 's how I felt about Adam . " Hey Scott , how you doing ? " Adam put one hand on my shoulder . God , those shoulders of his , those magnificent bulges of the man who worked out just enough to give his body that perfect amount of definition , the rounded shoulders , the bulging biceps … " Muh - uh ? " I mumbled . My lips were numb , because all my blood , all my passion , all my desires , had pooled underneath that hand , throbbing there , wanting only to be with him , only him , always . " I 've tried , " I protested . " I . . . I just can 't . God , I 'd . . . I 'd sell my soul for a chance with him , a real chance ! " " Huh ? " I turned around at that . I 'd been carrying on a heck of a conversation with this guy who had come up behind me , a stranger come to think about it . He waved a hand and the crowd parted like Moses had parted the Red Sea . They weren 't knocked aside ; it was like they all decided to move at the same time , a coincidence that happens now and then . Only this coincidence put Adam and me in plain view of each other . Adam looked at me from across the room , scanning my body , and then he locked his eyes on mine and smiled . I swallowed hard . " I don 't know what 's going on here , I must be dreaming or hallucinating , but yeah , you 've got yourself a deal ! You get me Adam and you can have my soul ! " " The bargain is confirmed , " the Devil said , and I looked at him puzzled . " It 's what we do instead of having people sign their name in blood , " he assured me . " Now that we have a binding agreement , I 'll just fetch Adam over here and you can take it from there . " Someone was in the room with me . I sat up , looked around . The room was dark ; there were clouds over the moon and stars , only a bit of scattered outdoor lights to give me the barest impression of the room through the window . There wasn 't much to see , just the gray squares of the window , the bare hint of the dresser , the chair , the closet door . There was the sound of the wind outside ; a long , low , mournful moaning sound . Whoo - hoo ! Hoo - hooooooo - hoo ! I lay back down , turned fitfully on the bed . It 's always rough settling into a new home , and the nights are always uncomfortable at first . You have the spaces you aren 't familiar with and all the small sounds that come with a new home ; there 's the way the house moves and all those subliminal things that you have to get used to and feel comfortable with . . . What was that ? A vague whisper . I shook my head ; must have just been the wind . I was alone in this house after all . I was just letting my imagination turn noises into a voice , that was all it was , just the wind , which was awfully loud after all , all that whoo - whoo - whooing it was doing , and . . . Okay , that one I heard clearly ! I sat bolt upright in my bed and looked around in the dark . " Just the wind , " I said aloud . " You 're not hearing voices , it 's just the wind . " Shit , I was freaking myself out ! Why the hell was I feeling this way ? Halloween was still a week away ; I hadn 't even watched a horror flick yet , which in the weeks before Halloween can be a real trick ! Why was I suddenly jumping at shadows and wind , just because this was a new house ? I lay back down . I would laugh at this in the morning , when it was light again . I felt it , then . A touch on my leg , like a hand , a cold , cold hand ! I reached down , but it was gone . Damn , now I was feeling things ! Now my cheek ! I felt my face , a trace of moisture like . . . a kiss ? I rubbed my face hard , wiping away the slight wetness there . God , what was going on here ? A drip from overhead , for sure ! I had a drip and it had landed on my face and that was why I felt . . . Another wetness ! Shit that one was on my left pec ! I felt it , lips kissing my nipple and it was still there ! I reached up and pressed my hand to my chest , and I touched a face ! Just a touch , and then it was gone . And then the voice again . " You are mine ! " I lay back down again , my heart beating hard . I didn 't sleep much that night , but nothing bothered me . Even the house didn 't make any sounds to worry about . When the dawn came , I tried to tell myself it had only been a dream . Somehow , though , I didn 't believe myself , and I drove out to see my grandmother that same morning . She had told me when I turned eighteen that I had inherited this house from its former owner on account of I had been given the name he had chosen . So if anyone could tell me why I 'd been visited by a ghost ( because I was certain that I had been visited by a ghost ) , my grandmother was the one to ask . " Why did you get the house ? " she responded to my question as she poured me some tea . I took it ; I needed caffeine of any kind after the night I 'd had . " I told you , because your name is Beau Hennessy . And you 're named after your granduncle , your dear grandfather 's brother . " " But why did the old guy who left me the house do it ? " I questioned . " His name wasn 't Beau , it was Clifton Mortimer . Not even a relative of ours , right ? " " Yes , one of the Stafford Mortimers ' , " my grandmother replied . " Very wealthy family , very generous in the community , very well thought of . A shame what happened to him . " I 'd accepted an invitation from a couple of friends to go with them to a science - fiction convention in the city . I hadn 't been to one in a while , and also hadn 't seen these friends in a while , either , so I figured , what the hell . After being there for a bit , I needed to use the washroom , so I let my friends know and ventured off . The washroom was not all that big , with only one sink , one urinal , and two stalls ; all on the same wall . The urinal was disgusting , with some old , odorous piss sitting in the reservoir , and piss all over the rim and on the floor beneath it . I decided to check the conditions of the stalls instead . It wasn 't until I went over to the stalls that I noticed the second one was occupied . Opening the door to the first , I peered in and saw that it was fairly clean . I stepped in , and as I turned slightly to close and latch the door I immediately noticed a hole in the divider between the stalls . It wasn 't a glory hole , though . It was much too small for that ; basically just big enough to see through if you put your eye up to it . After latching the door , I turned to face the toilet , unzipped and hauled out my cock . As I began to piss , curiosity got the better of me . I was sure if I held my head in a certain way I could get a good look at the guy in the next stall , more specifically , get a good look at his dick . So , I turned my head and leaned my upper body back , and was instead met with an eye peering through at me . My first instinct was to straighten back up and turn my head to face forward again , and as I did so , my piss done flowing , and my dick still in my hand , it started to grow just from knowing I was being watched . Horned up now and wanting to put on a show , I began to stroke my cock to full hardness . Once I was fully erect , I looked back and the stranger in the next stall was still watching me , so I turned sideways and moved over a bit so that I was directly facing the hole where his eye was . He continued to watch , and I could hear that he was stroking his cock too . " It 's ok . He 's right . He did tell me I was coming over to see if you approved and if so we were all gonna have sex together . It 's cool if you two want to get right to it , " I said . " Well honestly , and I hope I don 't offend you , but Rob started describing your pussy , telling me how it was shaved and how tight it was and how good it feels . When you 've gone without for so long and you have the opportunity to get some , the little head starts to take over . I 've also never had a threesome before and it 's always been a fantasy of mine . I 'm totally straight but also pretty open - minded and I figured I could try it in order to get some pussy , and to finally get to have a threesome . " " Well yeah , and I mean I have some gay friends and never understood what they got out of sucking other guys dicks , and the more I thought about it I guess I was a bit curious to see what it 's like . And , as I said , I am open - minded too and I just look at it as a new experience ; One that I 'll probably never repeat , but it 's kind of cool to at least say and know that I tried it . " Everything I was telling her was the truth . Except that I was actually talking about being with a woman , but she didn 't need to know that . The one thing you need to know about me is that I love to suck cock ! I get my greatest pleasure from orally servicing men . So much so that the need or desire to have my own cock sucked is pretty much non - existent . Just as long as I have a hard cock in my mouth , I 'm satisfied . My hand can and does take care of my own when I want or need to cum . That stranger soon arrived , just like I knew he would , and quickly offered his cock and balls to me through the glory hole . I immediately began gliding the wet tip of my tongue over every inch of his cock and balls . His cock soon swelled , becoming fully erect in no time . Life gets so hectic at times that I forget to relax and enjoy it . I 'd stop to smell the roses , but it seems like there is a bill collector behind every bush . Work and no play makes me cranky , and I didn 't have time for relationships . We all feel that need to get laid , to let off some steam . I 'm not a slut , but I can be , when I need it badly enough . Like everyone else , I have a threshold and when I hit that cap , I need to get some . This was one of those times . A flat tire on the way to my dead end job was just the start . My boss had reamed me for something I wasn 't even involved in . I lost one of my best clients and my favorite team got eliminated from the playoffs . I did my hair in loose spirals , and did my makeup in lady of the evening fashion . I looked pretty good when I took the time , so I did . I even added glitter . Some lucky son of a bitch was in for a wild ride . On a whim , I went driving downtown until a flashing neon sign caught my attention . There were people lined up down the block waiting to get in , so I figured it was a hot spot . Perfect . The place was jumping . Heavy pulsing music blasted to a thumping bass drum while bodies thrashed and ground against one another in a blur of flesh on the endless dance floor . It was wall - to - wall with people wanting the same thing I did . I 'm not that picky . As long as he 's clean , his looks don 't matter all that much , but it 's always nice if he just happens to be attractive too . Gentlemen were my favorites , but tonight I just wanted some bad boy to ring my bell . This place was crammed with them . I felt like a kid in a candy store with a crisp one hundred dollar bill . Another three come - ons failed to impress me , when I noticed a guy watching me . He was sitting at one of the booths along the far wall . The flashing lights made it damn near impossible to see what he looked like , but I was so horny by then , I decided he was the one . I ducked and weaved my way through the undulating crowd and stopped in front of his table . His eyes went up and down me like a leopard eyeing its prey . I flashed him a smile and slipped into the booth next to him . He had longish dark hair he kept in a shag , a neatly groomed goatee and sexy full lips . I couldn 't place his nationality , but he was definitely part black . I couldn 't tell what color he was in the alternating blue , red and green lights , but he was a few shades darker than me . He arched an eyebrow and gave me a ' what the fuck ' look , but I simply scooted closer . The little round table at the booth 's center was perfect . I was so needy , I wanted him right there . Throwing caution to the wind , I met his look with a catlike grin . " I don 't want to know your name . I want your cock , nothing more , " I yelled over the music . A name to go with his face would make it personal . This was raw animalistic need , not a prelude to something more meaningful . I moved my hand to the fly of his pants and found his cock beneath the slick fabric . It grew hard almost instantly as I stroked it . My eyes spoke my desire as I gazed at him . I leaned into him and he took my lips with his . He was probably completely confused that he didn 't even have to work for it , but I didn 't care . I hadn 't picked him for his ability to sort out a puzzle . The dilemma I had presented him with was quite simple : Fuck the girl or don 't fuck the girl . His hand slipped up my top and crushed my tit , kneading it and I purred . I loved to be manhandled sometimes . I slid across his legs and straddled his strong thighs . He worked my breast out the top of my halter and sucked my hardened nipple into his warm wet mouth . I loved it . The silk fabric was tight across my tit , holding it in place for him , like an offering . I couldn 't believe I was doing this . The booth was in the darker back of the bar , but there were people all around . My pussy was all the wetter for the anxiety I felt that others might see me fuck this stranger . Four snaps later , I had the fly of his tight jeans open and his thick , dark hard - on slid into my hand when I pushed his boxer briefs down . He was smoldering hot and I wasted no time . Who knew how long it might take for someone on staff to notice us . Getting thrown out , or worse , arrested , only added to my excitement . As soon as the exam had started I 'd been suspicious of him . The way he 'd glanced around the exam room and leered over at me when he saw that I was one of the invigilators . I just knew he was going to try to disrupt things by asking dumb - ass questions or making pointless requests for unnecessary stationery or something . One of his friend 's was in the seat in front of him ; another was a couple of feet to his side . He was bound to start pissing around . Who the fuck designed these seating plans anyway ? Where were their brains ? He stood up , his shirt hanging out from his school trousers , which were halfway down his backside . His school tie was yanked down so that the knot was level with his chest . I could easily have made a fuss about correct school uniform - make him publicly smarten himself up - but I thought I 'd leave it . Keep it in the bag to give me something to use later on if I needed it . He walked into the boy 's room located just down the hall and I followed him in . Striding up to the nearest urinal , positioning himself in front of it so that he was side - on to me , he pulled out his cock . Then he looked over at me , smirking , clearly feeling pretty smart with himself , " Nice job for you , huh ? " I didn 't rise to the bait . " You know the regulations by now Alex . You 've got to be accompanied until you submit your paper . " I noticed that , despite clearly being soft and floppy , his cock looked thick and large as he peeled back his foreskin to expose its fat , pink head . He wasn 't urinating . He looked back over at me , " I can never go when someone 's there . " Jesus , his cock was big . It must have been about six inches long and at least twice as thick as mine is even when I 'm hard . Why was it always the pricks that got all the lucky breaks ? " What do you think of the paper ? " he asked me . He wasn 't even vaguely interested in my opinion of it . He was just trying to get me to comment on it so that he could claim he was unfairly influenced or something . He nodded and looked back down at his cock . He played with it idly while he waited for his bladder to relax . He jerked the foreskin across the broad head a couple of times . " Do you always have this much trouble going when you need to visit the boys ' room ? " I asked him . He shook his head . " No , but then I don 't usually have some old guy perving on me , do I ? " Before I could challenge him on that , he looked up at me and grinned again . " I know . . . I know . . . it 's the regulations . " Alex kept smiling , " Yeah , it was just a figure of speech . " He looked back down at his cock . Unless I was mistaken , it seemed to be getting bigger . It looked distinctly less flaccid than it had been a few moments earlier . " Anyway , " he said , " In public washrooms and stuff , you usually have other guys next to you pissing . Kind of relaxes you a little . Know what I mean ? " He shrugged . " Look , I wanna go but I can 't . It 's just not happening even though it feels like I really need to go . " He seemed surprisingly genuine . Perhaps he really was feeling nervous by having me standing there staring at him . " Yeah , I know that … " He hesitated , staring ahead at the tiled wall in front of him . Then he went on , " I don 't suppose you wanna take a piss , do you ? " The trip required the use of a combination of roads and highways . I had been driving for about five hours and had another two hours to go before I arrived at my destination , and needed to piss really badly . Since I was on the highway at this point , I was praying that a rest stop would be coming up very soon . I was also a bit hungry , so the rest stop would provide a place to grab a quick bite to eat as well . I walked into the men 's room and headed to the urinals . I went to the closest one , pulled down my fly and reached in and pulled out my cock to drain the hog . As I began to piss , another dude came in and took up at a urinal two down from me , leaving one urinal between us . I glanced at him and he glanced at me as well , and I nodded and he returned the nod and then his eyes darted down and focused on what I was holding in my hand . As I shook my dick a few times to get the last few drops of piss off the head , I heard him sigh . At first I thought it was a sigh of relief as he began to relieve himself , but there was no sound of piss hitting the porcelain of his urinal so I glanced over . He smiled and then looked down at my dick and licked his lips , making it obvious what he was after . At this point though , all I really wanted was to get some food in my belly and take a catnap in my car so I could get back on the road again and make it to my buddy 's cottage . Even so , the interest was nice so I thought I 'd give the guy a little thrill before I tucked my cock back into my shorts . I backed away from the urinal a bit and turned my head towards him to make sure he was getting a good look , and of course he was looking and again was licking his lips . I gave my cock a few shakes and then one loving stroke . I was going to give him a few more seconds of a show but someone else came in . Being a teenager , I was horny all the time and jerked off a lot ; at least twice a day . Doing it a lot was quite normal for guys my age , but for me ( and some others as well , I 'm sure ) , it was all I had , because I hadn 't done ' it ' yet . It wasn 't that I was shy or unattractive - I actually had quite a lot of friends and was considered good looking - nor was it that I had never had the chance to do it before , either . The problem was , the opportunities that had presented themselves were with girls , and I was gay , something I knew as soon as I became sexually aware , and something I also kept to myself . Hiding who I was would bring me down sometimes , but coming out in high school was just not something I was prepared to do . Times may be changing , but unlike on TV , in real life not everyone is so accepting , particularly in high school , and especially teenaged males . Only one guy at my school had come out as gay , and when everybody heard , his life was made a living hell , mainly by other guys , and he eventually had to transfer schools . I certainly wasn 't going to subject myself to that kind of daily ridicule and bullying . It also meant that for now , at least until I finished high school , sex for me only consisted of my own right hand . Like some of my friends , I had a job as well , only it wasn 't a summer job . With my mom and dad having separated about six months ago , and my mom working , I had been assigned the job of doing the house and yard work , for which my mom paid me . In her eyes , she felt it was a good way for me to make some spending money and also learn about responsibility , not to mention it saved her from having to hire a maid . I wasn 't thrilled about the idea , but since she was going to pay me , I ended up agreeing ; not that I really had a say in the matter anyway . My private sanctuary was the small space between the garage and the solid wooden fence that ran behind it . It was where I went when I wanted to think or just be by myself . Sometimes I 'd plug my ear buds into my phone and listen to music , but what I always did every day while back there was pull my dick out and jerk off . It always relieved the boredom of the day and made me feel good . The garage itself was not attached to the house and sat at the back of our yard . On the other side of the back wooden fence was a small parcel of land filled with trees that had been designated as conservation land . On the far side of the yard was a chain link fence , with a line of cedar hedges on the neighbor 's side . Next to our garage was our other neighbor 's garage , our driveways right next to each other between our two houses , and those neighbors both worked during the day . So jerking off behind the garage was not risky or even daring , for it was completely blocked off from the view of others . After pulling my zipper down , I raised my ass from the ground and shimmied my jeans down my thighs . My cock , having quickly reached its full potential , now stood pointed straight up , sticking out a bit above the waistband of my underwear . Slipping my fingers inside the waistband , I lifted my ass once more and pushed them down to meet the top of my jeans . Letting my eyes fall closed to further enjoy the sensations , I started to picture a guy from school named Andy . Andy was a real jock , playing on both the school 's football and basketball teams . He had the jock body to go with it , too , and always sported a nice bulge in the front of his jeans . We weren 't friends , but I wished we were , wished we were even more than friends . With mental images of Andy filling my head , my mind began to wander to one time in English class when the teacher had called upon Andy to read a passage from our textbook . I was sitting a few aisles over , directly across , and that gave me a perfect side view of that ample bulge in his crotch , and I just stared at it the whole time . I hadn 't been worried that others would notice me staring at him , because a lot of the other students in class were looking in his direction as he read , too , or down at their own textbooks . When he was done I had prayed that the teacher wouldn 't call on me to stand up and read next , because my dick had gotten rock hard from looking at Andy . Thankfully , she didn 't ! The last month had been hell . It all started a little over four weeks ago in New York . My boss was supposed to go to Paris to help get our partner company up and running with our new system . A few days before he was supposed to leave , he came to me and said , " You 're going to Paris in my place . The top guys think you know the system better and they want me here for other things . I have booked the flight already . You leave Monday , for a month . " Hearing that , I suddenly started to like the idea of going to Paris for a month . After all , with two already paid for tickets I could take my girlfriend with me . This could be just the thing I needed to resolve our current ' disagreement . ' I mean , what woman wouldn 't love her boyfriend to death if he took her to Paris for a month , flying there in first class no less ! As my door closed , the smile disappeared and I became sullen . How the hell am I going to tell my girlfriend that I am going away for an entire month … to Paris . . . and , without her ? I thought , and then it hit me : I 'd just call the airport and change the one business class ticket into two coach tickets . Even if I had to pay a bit , it wouldn 't be much , and would be well worth it to bring my girlfriend along and keep the peace . After being on hold forever , I finally got through to an agent and was promptly told that that the ticket couldn 't be changed . " I don 't understand . It was already changed once from two first class tickets into one business class ticket . Why can 't you change it to two coach tickets ? I understand I may have to pay something , " I replied . There was clicking on a keyboard . " I 'm sorry sir , business class is all booked now as well . " More clicking . " I can exchange your ticket for two first class tickets on that flight , if you 'd like . " " How much would that be ? " I asked . She told me and you 'd have to be rich to afford those … but I guess that is why they call it first class . " Out of my budget , " I grumbled . " Tuesday morning ? That 's no good . I have to leave Monday . Are you sure there is nothing available , other than first class , on any flight departing on Monday ? " " No , that 's ok . I 'm going there on business , and , as I said , I have to leave Monday . Thanks anyway , " I said and hung up . When I told my girlfriend that evening that I was going to Paris without her , and tried to explain what had happened and how I had tried to get her a ticket but couldn 't , she exploded . " It is so indicative of our whole relationship ! You probably didn 't even try to get me a ticket ! Have a great time by yourself ! " she screamed and slammed down the phone in my ear . She wouldn 't talk to me for the rest of the weekend , refusing to take my calls or answer my emails . I even tried to explain again through emails and on her voicemail , but obviously all she heard was ' I 'm going to Paris for a month and I don 't want you to come with me . ' It wasn 't like I had any choice in the matter . If I had refused , I surely would have been fired , so , angry girlfriend or not , I left for Paris on Monday morning as planned . You would think that a twenty - eight - year - old American guy could have a good time in Paris , but the people were rude . The people I went there to help were rude ; the people in the hotel where I stayed were rude ; the people in the restaurants , coffee houses , and even on the street were rude ; because I could not speak a word of French , and because I was obviously American , they were rude . When it came time to go home , I was so ready . About fifteen minutes later , as I was concentrating all my will power to stay seated and not go over and smash the guy 's phone , two more people walked in and sat directly across from me . There was a man , older , about fifty , and he was all business . He had a cell phone glued to one ear and a handheld in his other hand . He sat down and talked to whomever it was on the phone . They were obviously discussing some sort of business deal and it was very intense . The other person was a woman , whom I quickly figured to be his wife given the closeness to which they sat … and the wedding rings they both wore . She looked to be in her late thirties and was very pretty . Moments after they sat down , she stood and removed her coat , sat again , and laid it across her lap . Since she was the only remotely interesting thing around , and a nice distraction from the din of that video game , I studied her closely . She had long wavy brown hair and gorgeous green eyes that would drive men wild , not to mention the sexiest , full , pouty lips coated in a lustrous , glossy red lipstick . She was wearing a blood red satin blouse that buttoned down the front , which matched her lipstick , and a black skirt that came to just above the knee with a generous slit up one side . There was a matching black patent leather wide belt around her waist . She looked amazing ! After several minutes of casually studying her , I expected her husband to get up and come over and hit me at any second , but he was turned away from her , talking intently on his phone . He had papers spread out on the seat next to him and was completely captivated by it all . He was in another world , so I kept on checking her out . It was then that I noticed a button on her blouse had popped open , and a black lacy bra was now partially visible through the opening . I always was a sucker for a woman in black lace lingerie , and I was getting so terribly horny . Perhaps that was because it had been almost two months since my last sexual encounter with my girlfriend , and no sex with anyone else in that time period , either , but I think it had more to do with the 34DD tits I was looking at . Then it happened ! She caught me looking ! Instead of being angry and telling her husband , she just smiled . I smiled and turned away , feeling embarrassed … but that didn 't last long . My eyes soon drifted back to her sexy mouth and those great , black lace covered tits ! The more I looked , the harder I got . I was sitting there in a pair of 501 jeans and they were getting tighter and tighter in the front . She busted me again . . . and again . . . and again , and each time she did I would keep looking a little bit longer before looking away for a moment or two … it was starting to become a game . She looked down finally and I figured she would button her blouse , but she didn 't . Instead , she opened the only button above it and pulled her blouse a little further open . My cock throbbed in excitement and I swallowed hard . She smiled seductively and scanned my body . I was trying to hide my rapidly growing hard - on , but it was almost pointless . My jeans left little room for adjustment . Then she reached down , lifted her coat from her lap and placed it in the chair next to her . She sat there with her legs crossed and her outstretched foot lightly bouncing up and down . I drank her in and knew that my masturbation fantasy when I got home would be centered on her . About ten minutes later she uncrossed and re - crossed her legs in the opposite direction . When she did this , her legs parted enough to show me , just for a fleeting moment , a pair of black lace panties . That was the final straw . I was now rock hard . My cock was literally aching with pent up frustration and desire , and I knew I wouldn 't be able to wait until I got home to give it the relief it was crying out for . So , I stood , holding my carry - on bag in front of myself , and began to head to the washroom . Well , wouldn 't you just know it : when I got to the washroom , there was an out - of - order sign on the door to the men 's room ! " Do you know where there is another washroom ? " I asked one of the airport personnel that was nearby . She told me where one was , but then asked to see my ticket . " Oh , you won 't have time to make your way all the way there and back before final boarding , " she said after she looked at it . " But , don 't worry sir , there is a washroom on the plane you can use as soon as you board , " she smiled . I smiled back , thanked her and made my way to the gate . There was no way I was going to jerk off in the small airplane washroom with all those people around . Horny as hell and unable to get off , the icing on the cake of this horrible trip ! God , this flight is going to seem extra - long , I just know it ! I thought as my cock still ached for relief . As I took my seat on the plane , I looked around for the sexy woman from the airport but did not see her . My bad luck continued as the guy from the airport who had been playing his annoying video game took a seat one row over and one seat up from me . He obviously had a phone with ' airport mode ' on it , because as soon as the flight was in the air he was playing that damn game again ! I tried to tune out the game , tried to forget about the woman , but I couldn 't do either . My cock was now soft , but I was still horny as hell , and that video game was driving me insane . I had to get away from it ! So , even though I didn 't think I would want to jerk off in the airplane washroom , I decided to do just that . Perhaps if I did , that video game would be less irritating . As I started to walk down the aisle I noticed the woman I had been ogling in the airport sitting several rows back . She looked up as I passed and smiled at me , and then glanced at my crotch . I could have sworn I saw her subtly lick her lips ! I felt my cock stir and now couldn 't wait to get in that washroom ! " And he 's been letting you take it off your dick once a week since then , and you 're telling me you 've never wanted to or even tried to whack yourself off while you were out of it ? " Marc questioned as he mimicked masturbation by pumping his fist in the air . " Not even once ? " " No ! Never ! " Ryan replied , offended by the question . " I did not even know what … " Ryan started and then paused . He felt the word Marc used was dirty and not something he should say , although he liked hearing Marc use words like that . He then continued , "… what that was or that such a thing even existed until you just … just showed me . " Marc shook his head . All of this was so strange to him , so unimaginable . He then went about explaining to the naïve and sheltered boy what the word in question meant . " Cumming means shooting your … err … expelling your sperm , as you call it . Have you ever done that ? " " Uh - huh , " Marc said shaking his head some more . " Ok , I get that you 've never actually jerked off before , but since you never have , you must have had a wet dream before , at least once ? " Marc questioned . " Oh , " Ryan said understanding now ; he knew that sex meant procreating . " No , I 've never had a dream such as you describe . I don 't see how I could dream of something I 've not yet experienced . " Marc laughed . " You don 't have to . That 's what I am talking about when I say you need to experience a world outside of your own . In today 's world , people have sex for fun and pleasure , whether they are married or not . " " That 's fair , I guess . I can 't imagine living in a world like yours either , " Marc chuckled . " If you want , though , I can help you . " Ryan 's penis began to respond to what Marc was suggesting : It was swelling up inside his sperm guard , just like it did every morning when he awoke , ever since he had hit puberty . It was that uncomfortable feeling between his legs that instantly reminded Ryan that even if he wanted to try what Marc was suggesting , it would be impossible for him to do so . He could not even attempt to do to his penis what he saw Marc do to his own , while wearing his sperm guard . And he could not remove it because his father had the key ; not that his father would give it to him , even if he was at home . " No , you can , you 're just stuck on what your parents told you , about it being wrong to do it for fun . Well , I 'm telling you , it is fun , and it 's not wrong . No offense , but you 're parents and any others who share their beliefs are wrong . They are in the minority in the real world . But the only way you will ever know that I speak the truth , the only way you can develop your own beliefs , is to be your own man and experience new things . And what I am suggesting is the first and most important step you need to take . " |
When he woke up , he was pleasantly surprised that Tracy was still there . He looked up at her lovingly as she hovered above his bed . She floated toward the closet and reached for one of his suit . It dropped to the floor . She turned to look at him and finally she spoke . " You have to go back to work " . I shook my head . " You have to " , she said . " Im not ready " , I told her . " Please , for me " . So for her , I took a shower , brushed my teeth , combed my hair and put on a grey suit . He didn 't know if he could handle it , if he could face the world again with out her , but she had said , " I 'll go with you " . At first , he had been thrilled at the idea but once he was at work , he realized it wasnt such a good idea . He felt closed in sitting inside the small cubicle . The only thing distracting him , and keeping him from freaking out was talking to her . She was sitting on top of his desk , her white dress flowing as if some invisable wind were coming from some unforseen place . " People are looking at you strangely " , she said . He frowned . He knew he had been talking but he didn 't realize how loudly . He often forgot that he was the only one who could see and hear her . " Everyone 's going to think your crazy " , she said . " I dont care " , I told her . " But I do , so please , use your keyboard " . It took me a few seconds to realize what she was saying . She wanted me communicate by typing instead of talking , which made since , but little added up easily for me these days . So I began to type . How do you expect me to concentrate , when all I can see and think about is you " I could leave , if that would help . " No ! " I 'd be waiting for you when you got home . " I 'd never make it thru the day without you " But you haven 't even tried . " All I do day in and day out is try , and Im tired " I 'm only tying to help " . You being here with me helpsShe dropped the subject after that . I stared at the folder in front of me . Not really sure what I was suppose to be doing . Still I was here trying for her . We spent the rest of my work day in silence . I concentrated on my work . . . mostly . OccasPosted by The moment he popped his first handful of pills , he felt a sudden tightening on his stomach . Squeezing him hard , over and over until the pills came back up . He fell to his knees , head down , palms down on the floor , trying to catch his breath . At first , he didn 't understand what had happened until he thought about Tracy . She was never far from his mind . She had saved his life . He looked around the room frantically but saw nothing . He closed his eyes to free all his senses but the room tempeture felt normal . There were no unusual sounds in the room . He hadn 't even realized he 'd been holding his breathe until he exhaled loudly . . startling hisself . He sulked off to the bathroom to get cleaning supplies to clean up the mess he had made on the floor . When he was finished he put everything back in its place and laid across the bed . He had closed his eyes and was drifting off to sleep when he felt a cool sensation against his neck . His eyes opened immediately . She was there , laying beside him . Her ghostly silhouette , so trasparent and beautiful . She watched him silently . Her hollow form tryed to stroke his face . He could feel something like the cool breeze of an ocean against his cheek . The Silhouette of her hand hovered above his head , her eyes intense as if she were concentrating . The instant she touched the hairs on his head he felt dizzy and lightheaded , almost high . He smiled and closed his eyes . He wanted to talk to her , tell her he was sorry , that he 'd missed her . But his throat was dry and scratchy . Worried that he wouldn 't be able to form the words , and possibly ruin the moment , he kept quiet . Then she began to hum , the most beautiful melodic tune he ever heard . He drifted off again and slept the most peaceful sleep he 'd had in months . Tired of waiting for her to return , tired of living without her . He contemplated suicide . Shooting himself was out . He was just too chicken . Besides where could he get a gun so quick on short notice . Hanging himself . . . no , that wouldn 't work either . Slicing his wrist . . . anything thing too painful or slow was out . The only thing he could think of was an overdose of pills . He searched his medicine cabinet for whatever he could find . Advil , Tylenol . . . he needed something strong . Sleeping pills . . . pain pills . . . In the very back he found some anxiety meds Tracy had been taking . He pulled it all out and carried as many bottles as he could in his arms back to his room . In the end he had 8 bottles . Not sure how many would do the trick , he decided to take them all . He couldn 't afford to make a mistake . Didn 't want to find himself waking up in a hospital with his stomach being pumped . He went to the bathroom one last time to fill a cup with water and brought it back to the room . Sitting it on the table after he sat on the bed he wondered if he should leave a note . There was noone he wanted to say goodbye to . And he felt no need to explain . As far as he was concerned , his actions would tell the story . Pausing for a breif moment , for one fleeting second he thought of changing his mind . But before he could chicken out , he began popping the pills into his mouth . Andrew was in pain . Not physically , but emotionally . He didn 't know what to do . It had been 4 days and she hadn 't been back . Since that night she went away , he hadnt done anything . He hadn 't eaten , hadn 't bathe or brushed his teeth . He was still in the same clothes from the night she left him . He hadn 't been to work , hadn 't left the house at all . Phone calls went unanswered . The number 5 blinked on his answering machine over and over . Sometimes he found himself starring at the number until it blurred over . He 'd known she was angry , but to just disappear for four days and not return . . he was beginning to think he 'd finally lost her for good . Had she finally crossed over . . seen that light , or was she hiding in some unseen darkness , seething in her anger . He just wanted a chance to explain , to reason with her . But how do you reason with a ghost ? He began to think back 6 months ago , to the day she died . It was all his fault . They had just finished making love , when he decided to turn on the tv to watch the end of a game . She had asked him not to . Said she just wanted to cuddle with no distractions , but he wasn 't hearing it . She jumped up , started screaming that he never spent any quality time with her . Told him he was selfish and unromantic . He ignored her and continued to watch the game . In a fit of rage she threw on her clothes and shoes , ran out , jumped into her car and took off . She had been driving when a drunk driver cam barreling down the road right at her . She had been driving too fast and couldn 't stop , wasn 't able to swerve fast enough . . . her car collided with the other . The doctors had said she had died from the impact of the crash . He blamed himself . . still , he should have just held her , should have turned the stupid game off , should have apologized , should have ran after her , stopped her from leaving . He should 've done so many things , but all he did was lay there . And now he may have lost her forever . When Andrew arrived back home , the house felt empty . He didnt feel her presence . Gone was the chill he felt when she was around . He laid across the bed for hours hoping she would come , until his eyes grew so heavy he could no longer force them open . He wasnt sure how long he was out , but he awoke immediately when he felt a sudden chill brush across his chest . A smile slowly crept across his lips , welcoming her arrival . Imagine if you can a weight pushing down on your chest . Nothing painful or forcefully , but a gently push against it , as if someone was bracing themself up on you . Apparently , she was playing one of her games again . Sometimes she showed herself , tonight . . she wouldn 't let him see her , but he could feel her . He imagined her straddling his waist , her hands pressed down on his chest as if she was ready to take a ride . He could feel a brush across his cheek . He wondered and silently hoped that she had given him a kiss . Suddenly he felt a stinging clench on his chest and seconds later the card he had taken from his pocket and put on the table fell to the floor as if someone had knocked it off . Then he heard a scream . And just as quickly as it came , the chill was gone . The room back to the normal temperature . His heart ached . He sat up and picked the card up from the floor and ripped it to pieces . Why didn 't he just throw it away ? She 'd be back . But not tonight . But when she returned , he 'd be waiting . Posted by Andrew looked across the room at the lost faces , feeling more helpless now than he did when he came in . He stood up and turned to leave , regretting he had ever come , when someone grabbed a hold of his arm . He turned around to see a brown skin girl with curly black hair and big brown eyes starring back at him . " I could be your sponsor " , she said to him as she handed him a card . He looked at it for a moment . It had her name and number on it . Melanie Starkwell235 - 748 - 6984He didn 't know what to say , so he just stared . He wondered why he hadn 't seen her before now . Breaking his train of thought she said , " I hope to see you at the next meeting . If you have any trouble before then , feel free to call me " . And just as quickly as she came , she left . Only the scent of her perfume left behind . He sort of felt guilty for even noticing , how pretty she was . He looked back once more at the faces in the circle and walked away . Not sure if he 'd come back or not . He glanced at the card in his hand and back at the trash can outside the door , debating wether to toss it or keep it . He put it in his pocket , deciding to hold on to it for now . Once he was inside his jeep he felt a little less jumpy . Felt his heart beat began to slow . He sat there for a few minutes before cranking up the vehicle and driving off . He felt the excited me build as he neared home . Hoping for a visitor when he got there . She 's been gone now for 6 months . I miss her more and more each day . Some how it feels unfair that she 's gone and Im still here . I miss her smile , I miss her laugh , I miss the feel of her body wrapped around me at night . I miss the way she 'd steal the covers . I miss the smell of bacon on those rare mornings she felt like cooking . I even miss the fights we had every now and then . I miss the make up sex even more . Excuse my manners , allow me to introduce myself . My name is Andrew Vigerson . He looked up at the faces that surrounded him in the small circle . I still cant believe my cousin convinced me to join a support group . Im grieving just fine on my own . I think I 'd better go back a little bit first . My family thinks I haven 't properly grieved the loss of my girlfriend because . . . sometimes . . I still see her . I still hear her , I even talk to her . You might say I 'm having a relationship with my girlfriends ghost . I know this may sound crazy , whats even crazier is that Im sitting here telling this to a bunch of strangers . My family says I need to let her go . But I dont want to . The only reason I agreed to come here is because Im starting to feel like I do need help . I 've started to miss work alot . I dont talk to my friends or family anymore . I just sit in my apartment , waiting . . hoping for another encounter . I know that I cant go on like this . I dont know what to do or where to turn . How do you let go of the one thing that keeps you holding on ? Posted by Im tired . And I dont know what to do . I know what I want to do , but I know I shouldn 't . I caught my best friend Mulanie screwing my boyfriend Blaine . I ran out of the house at that point and went home . Locked myself in my room and cried until I couldn 't anymore . I was doing so much better until I ran into that jerk . I had stopped cutting . My arms and legs were healing . Now Im sitting here with a razor blade in my hand , trembling from the inside out . As she rolled up her sleeve and ran the blade across her skin a thought came to her . Why am I hurting myself when its him I should be hurting . So later that night when she figured he 'd be asleep , she went to his house , grabbed the spare key from underneath the welcome mat and snuck inside his house . Creeping up the stairs slowly so he wouldn 't hear her coming . When she was finally in his room , she stood over his bed for a minute or two listening to his loud annoying snoring . Not wanting to waste too much time she climbed on top of him and laid on his chest . When he started to wake up she leaned over and kissed him on the lips , pulled a knife from her boot and slit his throat . Felt so much better than cutting herself . aoljurlAdd , aoljurlAdd _ 2 Sitting on my bed , looking out my window . It looks like its gonna rain . I want to go out and soak in it so bad . But it would be a bad idea if I did . For most people getting rained on was nothing serious , but for me its different . The rain does something to me . Its something that Im not fully able to understand but what I do know is , the rain is not good for me . Not many people know about this problem I have but many people have to deal with the way it affects me . Altho the feel of the rain is so good , it changes me into someone , not so good . Its like im a totally different person . Thankfully , we dont get rain much around these parts but when it does rain , it pours . Sometimes Im only affected by the rain for a few hours , or the whole day at the most . But there have been times where its lasted for days . And the longer im under my rain cloud , the more trouble I seem to cause . Sometimes Im aware of whats going on , other times its like I blacked out and I dont remember anything . Those are the times I hate , and also the times it seems Ive caused the most damage . The one person who knows about my condition other than my brother and a close cousin , is my girlfriend Katelyn . She 's usually the one who delivers the bad news when I wake up from one of my black outs . The last time I was told that I went on a rampage , vandelizing peoples cars . Throwing bricks thru windows . Im surprised I wasn 't arrested . I dont even remember any of it . But the part that hurt me the most is that I tryed to strangle Kate . At first I thought maybe she was making it up , trying to scare me until I saw the marks around her neck . Everyone has been trying to get me to take this new medication thats suppose to help me but I dont want to . I tryed it once and I dont like the way it made me feel . It makes me feel numb , it depresses me . I want to feel alive . And the rain does that for me . But for now , I 'll stay away from the rain . But for how long will I be able to resist it . aoljurlAdd , aoljurlAdd _ 2 I never thought I would find myself in this situation . Not me , Natasha Mallory ? Yeah right . I was branded a trouble maker before I even hit my teen years . With the kind of life I lived , I was destined for struggle . But she had met someone who had changed her life . He saw past the hard , tough exterior and into her heart . So she left that part of her life behind . She didn 't think she 'd ever have to think about her old life ever again . Until her past came back to bite her in the butt . No pun intended . On her wedding night . Her new husband Marcus was a Christian man . They had dated for a year and a half before they had gotten married . he believed in waiting until marriage before having sex . When he told her that , at first she thought it was a joke . But she quickly realized that he was serious . He had often tried to get her to talk about her life before they met , but she had always some how steered around the subject . Being the sweet , gentle and loving man that he was he didn 't push or pressure her about it . That was one of the reasons why she fell so madly in love with him . He didn 't push her or pressure or try to change her . He just accepted her for who she was . But she had always been afraid that if he knew about her past , who she used to be before him , that he wouldn 't want her anymore . But on their wedding night when they were about to make love , he saw the branding on her right butt cheek . " I didn 't know you had a tattoo " , he said . Her heart pounded in her chest . Her first instinct was to lie . It would be easiest . She had spent most of her life lying . But she was different now . She loved this man and she didn 't want to start off their marriage together with a bunch of lie . If . . they even still had a marriage after she confessed . She turned over on her side , and grabbed his hand and held it tightly . " I grew up in a rough neighborhood . My mother was a crackhead . I had no sisters or brothers . I was always left home alone with no food to eat . So at the age of 8 I started to steal food from stores just to eat . I 'd steal money out of the pockets of the guy my mother was currently screwing for drugs . She was always strung out and high . And when she couldn 't get her fix she was a raving lunatic . So when the guys I stole from would come back to pound her in the face when they realized they 'd been robbed , I didn 't feel bad at all . At the age of 12 I left home and never went back . I was living on the streets for 2 weeks when a girl everybody called " Smithy " took an interested in me . Said she had been watching me the last few days and felt sorry for me . She was 15 at the time , offered to let me stay with her and her crew . But when I got there , I was told by Franko , that if I was gonna stay there I had to be a part of their family . And if I was gonna be family , I had to make it thru the Initiation . I was ganged banged by all the guys in the group . 8 to be exact , and then I was branded with their sign . Me and Smithy were the only girls in the crew . She kept telling me that she was so happy I was there because she wasn 't the only girl anymore . We had to have sex with whatever guy wanted us on demand . In return , they gave us a place to stay , fed us , stole clothes and jewelry for us . Now that I think back on it , I guess we were their ho 's . Anyway , I 've watched people get beat down , shot , stabbed , raped , killed . But I 've never physically hurt anyone . . and I 've never done drugs . Having to watch my mother day in and out , I promised myself I 'd never even touch the stuff . " " But how did you get away from them . Did they just let you walk away " , he asked " No . They got caught trying to rob a bank exactly two weeks before Imet you . Me and Smithy had been saving money together on the low just in case of an emergency . The minute we found out they were all locked up , we started looking for an apartment together . We had enough cash to get us thru 3 months without a problem . It took me a week and a half to find a job . I finally lucked out and got hired at " The Candi Shop " where you met me at . Smithy had met some guy and took off with him , but she left me all the money . So , when you met me , I was just starting over . And you helped me to become a better person . I know I should have told you sooner , but I was afraid that you wouldn 't want me anymore . " Marcus held her hands tighter and smiled at her . " So you really thought I could be scared away that easily " , he asked . " I love you for who you are now . I dont care about your past . Yes , Im sad that you had to go thru the things that you did . But I promise you , you wont ever have to live that kind of life again . " He kissed her then , passionately and slowly . And they made love for the very first time . And it was beautiful . She fell asleep in the arms of her husband that night , happy and peaceful , believing that sometimes , dreams really did come true . Angelica had met Jessie one night when she stopped at a nearby convience store to get a bottle of Gin . She was bored , lonely and wanted to numb herself . He tryed to make small talk while standing in line but she wasn 't in the friendly sort of mood . That didnt seem to bother him tho because he kept right on talking . She didn 't say much , just nodded and smiled a little . She payed for her purchase and hurried out of the store , hoping to make it to her car before he came out behind her . But he was fast . Before she could turn the keys in the ignition he was tapping on her window . She sighed as she rolled down the window . He handed her a card with his name and number on it . " I think you forgot this " , he said . " No , I didn 't " , she said . But she put it in her purse anyway . " Well , in case you ever need somebody to talk to . . " , he said . " Thanks , I gotta go " , she said . " Wait ! " , he yelled right as she started to pull off . " You never told me your name " . " Its Angelica " . He smiled and said , " A pretty name for a pretty lady " . She rolled her eyes and drove away . Later that night she had laid back on her bed polishing off the bottle she had bought earlier . She was drunk but still bored and lonely , so she decided to call Jessie . Til this day she couldn 't remember the drunken conversation even if she tried . But she was sure she didn 't tell Jessie that she was a married woman . She should have , but she didn 't . Her husband , " Christopher " was hardly ever around . All he did was work . He cared more about money than he did her . She didn 't even fully understand what it was that he did , but what she did know was that he made alot of money and he always used " work " as his excuse for being gone all the time . She was almost positive he was cheating on her , so she didn 't feel bad about cheating on him . After two months of being with Jessie , she finally told him that she was married . She didn 't tell him at first because she didn 't think anything would happen between them , and if it did it wouldn 't last long . But now that she was starting to care ab " No , I meant it at the time . But now . . I dont think I can go thru with it " , he said . " Bull ! I cant turn back now ! Its too late ! " She hung up the phone . Trying to fight back the tears that were stinging her eyes . She grabbed her bags and checked out of the hotel . Loading the car up again , she was on her way . To where she didn 't know . But there was no turning back now . She was going to start a new life . She didn 't need a man . All they brought her was pain anyway . She could picture Chris now when he walked in and realized that she was gone for good . He 'll probably tear up the house in a fit of rage . And once he realizedhis money was gone . . . well she didn 't even want to think about that . She just hope she never laid eyes on him again . For the first time in years she was excited . Excited about all the possibilties of starting a new life . " Belinda , get off my back will you . Im tired of you always throwing salt on my game . You need to stop sippin on that hater - aide and start participating , then maybe you 'd get some play . " " Whatever " , Belinda said . " You think your hot stuff now , just wait til you get burned . " Kaylie , threw her hand up , and walk away leaving Belinda there to watch her tracks make dust . She got so tired of these little girls hating cuz she was doing her grown woman . Guess when your life is boring you aint got nothing better to do than try to pull someone else down to your level . The reason why she never kept any female friends is because women were always jealous of her . When she was 16 years old in highschool , the guys nicknamed her " Hott Stuff " . She liked it , lived it , loved it , and now . . she planned to own it . She had a hot date tonight with this mocha - chocolate brother with some pretty baby soft hair and hazel eyes . Mmm , just thinking about that chocolate with nuts made her blood boil , her mouth water and her panties wet . She had just the cute and sexy outfit picked out too . A cute pink and black top with the plunging neck line and a tight black mini skirt , and a pink and black thong too match . She didn 't need a bra , but she was definately going to wear her black high heel hooker shoes . Dewayne showed up at her door at 7pm . They were suppose to be going out to dinner and drinks and then hit the clubs . But as soon as she opened the door he was on her . Part of her wanted to tell him to slow down but the other part of her was ready . Before she knew it they were on the floor and he was on top of her ripping off her clothes . They didn 't even have time to use protection . 15 minutes later it was over . She laid there wondeing how she had let this happen to her again . She watched as he quickly threw on his clothes and mumbled some lame excuse about having to work early the next morning , and he was gone . What happened to romance and dating . She didn 't even get her dinner and drinks . She would have been happy with a stupid movie . She felt hurt , dirty and used . But she wouldn 't let that stop her grind . Tomorrow was another day . " Yeah , I know him alright . Low down nasty dog game me an std " . All of a sudden she felt sick to her stomach . Maybe Belinda was right . You play with fire long enough , your bound to get burned . " No its not easy for me ! How do you think I feel knowing the man I love with all my heart , doesn 't even remember me , or the love he once had for me . What happened ? Huh ? Did your love for me die in the accident ? I go to bed everynight hoping and praying that you wake up and remember what we once had . " " Thats just it . Exactly what I 've been trying to tell you for the last few weeks . Its been a year now and nothings change . Its not the same . I 've tryed to remember . Your always so quick to throw in what the doctor said . Well , the doctor also said , theres a chance I 'll never get back those lost memories " . " I understand what your saying David " . " You dont have to scream at me " , Emily said , trying to hold back the tears . He stopped pacing the floor for a minute and took a deep breath . Reaching for her , he took both of her hands in his , looked her in the eyes and said , " I know this is hard for you to accept . Hard for you to let go . But Im not the man you fell in love with . And it hurts me to even say this , but the man I am today is not in love with you " . She snatched her hands away . Tears flowing down her face faster than she could wipe them away . " I 'll never understand why you couldn 't try harder . Why you gave up so easy . But if your this unhappy being with me , I 'll give you a divorce " . She ran upstairs , falling face down on the bed , buried her face inside her pillow and cryed herself to sleep . When she woke up 2 hours later she noticed the closets were open and all of Davids clothes were gone . She quickly went thru all the rooms , doing a quick inventory of the house . Her husband was gone . And he wasnt coming back . I 'm in love with my boyfriend Anthony . He 's so sexy and he has the prettiest eyes I 've ever seen on a man . And you know what they say . The eyes are the window to the soul . I thought we were Soul Mates . We were almost always together and when we weren 't , we were on the phone yapping it up . I truly thought I had found " The One " . He said all the right things . We had so much in common . I thought we 'd always be together . Until I found out that he was just like all the other men I 'd come across . A fake ! A user and an abuser . A liar , wanna be player . Little did he know . He 'd met his match . Now dont get me wrong , I didn 't see it coming . Hit me head on like a Mac truck . Im not like alot of women . I never snooped thru his phone , or checked his pockets . Never followed him or eaves dropped on his phone calls . Never accuse or suspected him of anything . Not because he was good at hiding it , but because not only did he have my love , he had my trust . I find myself thinking back on our relationship , wondering if there were signs that I should have seen but missed . But I always come up with nothing . So I was living my life , thinking that the man I loved , was loving me the same way I loved him . Oh yes , he had me fooled . Until I decided one morning to give my sister a surprise visit . I was suppose to be at work that day , but I over slept and decided to call in . Thinking my man was at work , spending a little time with my sister seemed to be a good idea . Arriving at her door that morning , I knocked for a few minutes but got no answer . I dont know why , but I decided to turn the knob and the door opened . Dummies were so in a rush to bang eachother I guess they forgot to lock the door . Closing the door behind me I could hear the steading rhythm of the headboard banging against the wall , along with loud intense moaning . Even at that moment , I didn 't know what I was about to walk into . My first thoughts was that my sister was screwing some random guy she had met at the club . Cuz well , she does things like that . I started to just sit on thePosted by My name is Rebecca , and I hate my life . I hear noises . At night , in the morning , during the day . Its beginning to drive me crazy . At first I thought it was the house , the one I grew up in . I lived with my Aunt Meranda since I was 8 . With her and her boyfriend Andy . Im 19 now . An adult . So I decided to move in with my boyfriend Ted . I call him my Teddy Bear . I thought that moving in with him would stop the noises , but it didn 't . Whatever it was , followed me here . Noone believes me , they all think Im crazy . Even Teddy Bear , altho he pretends to , I know he doesn 't believe . I can see it in his eyes , it scares him . It all started when I was 10 . I 'd hear noises at night . Not normal noises . Hissing , growling , moaning , clawing , foot steps , glass breaking , banging on the walls . I 'd tell Meranda and Andy but they 'd just tell me I was hearing things . For my 11th birthday , they bought me a portable cd player so I could drown out the noises and fall asleep , and a night light so it wouldn 't be completely dark . It helped at first , but then I started to hear things during the day . Voices . Most of the time , it was so faint , I learned to ignore it , but as I got older , the voices became clearer , darker , more persistant . In 8 years it gradually moved from whispering here and there , to murmuring , a word hear and there , to talking , conversations , to shouting , screaming , and now . . the voices are talking to me , telling me things , sick dark things and I cant take it anymore . I 've tryed to talk to people about it , but it does no good . I 've become a burden for Teddy . He looks at me with this pitiful look in his eyes . Like he wants to save me but he doesn 't know how . So I decided to do what the last voice I heard told me . " End it all " . So here I sit in front of my video camera , telling my story , for anyone who might wonder , what happened to me . Why Im about to do , what Im about to do . To my sweet Teddy bear , Im so sorry , about all the pain I caused you . I just want you to know that its not your fault . There was nothing you could have done . ITed arrived home a half hour later . He had left to go buy some ciggerettes . He had asked Rebecca to come along , but she complained that her head was hurting and she just wanted to sleep . So when he walked into the room and saw her laying there , he thought nothing of it , until he saw the empty pill bottles . He immediately check her pulse . Tryed CPR when he couldn 't find one . He dialed 911 , screaming into the phone that his girlfriend had taken 3 bottle of pills and wasnt breathing . He told her that he tryed CPR but she wasnt responding . Holding her hand he realized Rebecca 's hand was freezing cold . He dropped the phone , knowing it was too late . he stood there in a daze , for how long he 'll never know . He noticed the video camera was on . He stopped it and rewind to the beginning of the tape . He sat on the end of the bed listening to his girls last words . Tears flooded his eyes as he watched Rebecca eyes light up as she talked of ending it all . He could hear the loud siren of the ambulance in the background now . Coming to take her away . |
Mary Evans : " The pizza man was late . I was waiting for pizza to arrive in the front lobby . My wrists fed two puddles of blood on the floor . Funny , they looked like two small pizzas . Some girls in the lobby started screaming . The delivery boy asked if it was my period . " Mary Evans : " The Dean ordered me to meet with Dr . Shelby , the campus shrink . That 's you . It was that or be expelled and I didn 't want my father to find out . And so here I am . " Mary Evans : " I don 't have to talk to my mother . There 's nothing I could say that she didn 't already know . My mother is psychic . And my father , he 'd rather take me fishing . " Mary Evans : " It didn 't feel as if I was cutting my wrists . Didn 't hurt . It was as if I were cutting up someone else 's flesh . Like I was performing an autopsy . Not that I have any idea what performing an autopsy is like . It was like cutting up the chicken for Sunday dinner . We eat a lot of chicken at our house . " Mary Evans : " Summer was hell in Parkdale . No one could afford air - conditioners . The whole neighborhood would go down to the lake , an entourage of air mattresses , sleeping bags , alarm clocks , and pillows . I could never sleep with all the noise : clocks ticking , police horses snorting , their hoofs clicking on the sidewalk , people ranting in their sleep , all that snoring , the small waves of the lake giggling up the stony beach , coughing , a car puttering along the Lakeshore Boulevard , the King Streetcar screeching as it turned northward onto Roncesvalles , the moon rolling slowly across the lake like a bowling ball toward the downtown skyscrapers . I guess you didn 't want to hear all that . " Doctor Shelby : " I was going to say the poetic . I 'd like to read some of your poetry , Mary . Perhaps you could bring some in at our next meeting . " Mary Evans : " One August a few years ago a man strangled his wife with her waist length hair . It had been her great joy . The hair , I mean . No one thought she was too pleased to be strangled . Squad cars surrounded the area , roof lights twirling around like tops splashing red and white globs of light against , homes , storefronts , and parked cars . Everyone was sitting on their porches , half dressed , speaking in hushed voices as the body was carried out . An ambulance siren closely followed by the ambulance pulled up to the murder scene . It was very theatrical . " Mary Evans : " Everyone had their own theory . People like to chat about these sorts of things especially people in Parkdale who spend 90 % of their time out on their front porches . As I said , there weren 't any air - conditioners . In Parkdale , you can 't put up fences to keep out trouble like they do in Rosedale . Someone gets killed in Rosedale no one hears about it . No one wants to hear about it . Rich people don 't care about each other like the poor . That 's why they 're rich . " Mary Evans : " You 're interested . I could tell . Everyone finds Parkdale interesting . They just don 't want to live there . Well , they were always fighting . But , a lot of people fight . That don 't mean they 're going to kill each other . They were a quiet couple otherwise . People in Parkdale don 't trust people who are too quiet . They drank too much but then a lot of people drink . I think you can ignore all those theories . He , the killer , had a strange look about him . Have you ever noticed in photographs that murderers have an evil glint in their eyes ? You have to wonder why no one notices that look before they commit their awful deeds . He wanted to sell her hair for gin . She hated gin . He was going bald and was jealous of her hair . She just got laid off from Mr . Christie , The Cookie Man . There was going to he a serious money shortage since he didn 't have a job . Everyone in Parkdale has money problems . He was putting on weight . She expected to be killed . It was the look in her eyes . There 's that look again . Maybe it was the heat . Parkdale residents blame the heat for everything . There you have them . Probably some I missed . " Mary Evans : " The husband was brought out of the house crying . One of the cops put his hand on the husband 's head and stuffed him into the back seat of a squad car and sped off . The guy just strangles his wife and the cops are afraid he 'll bang his head . He never did say why he killed his wife . Maybe he didn 't know . Men are dangerous was my mother 's explanation . " Mary Evans : " No ! It wasn 't like someone was getting knocked off every weekend . It was fun . Domestic fights are a poor man 's theatre . " Mary Evans : " Mary , my girlfriend has the same name as me , and I used to go to dances at the CYO . We 'd meet these two guys Terry and Brian . We 'd sneak out behind the hall and neck . Sometimes I 'd be with Terry , sometimes Brian . It wasn 't the boy that was important . It was the necking . We needed practice if we were going to get good at it . We never had real sex . " Mary Evans : " Mary ? God no ! Mary got married to this guy named Gary . He used to knock her about before they screwed . She thought marriage might straighten him out . Spends her time now in a coma or watching the soaps on television . " Mary Evans : " I took ballet until I was sixteen and had an operation on my back . I lost grade eleven . Men don 't love hunchbacks . My two older sisters went to college . Ellen became a radiologist . Jan became a high school teacher . They married rich guys and quit their jobs . My brother David went to medical school and became a dentist . What a super guy ! All the time growing up he was my best friend . Took me everywhere . He never had many girlfriends . I could never figure that out . Why couldn 't girls see how terrific he was ? If men are dangerous , women are stupid . " Mary Evans : " My parents were given an award because their first three children went to university . In Parkdale , that was considered a miracle . I had to go to college . I would have preferred a job at Eaton 's . " Mary Evans : " I used to sit on my daddy 's lap and read the Sunday funnies . That 's how I learned to read . Daddy hadn 't held a full time job for thirty years , but we were never on welfare . He always found odd jobs . There wasn 't anything he couldn 't do , nothing he couldn 't fix . Daddy was always singing . People in the neighborhood called him the happiest man in Parkdale . Sometimes he would take me fishing in Grenadier Pond . Told me about the monster that lived in its depths . Almost forty feet long with a head as big as a horse . Daddy said he hooked into him one Saturday night and really gave him a ride but was forced to cut the line the next morning when it was time to go to Mass . " Mary Evans : " One evening while mother was sitting at the kitchen sink cleaning a turkey , my grandmother walked in . Mother was surprised because grandma lived with my aunt in Winnipeg and there had been no word of her visiting us . Grandma put her hand on mother 's shoulder and told her she loved her and not to worry . Then grandma walked out of the kitchen and disappeared . Within the hour there was a long distance call from Winnipeg . Grandma had just died . " Mary Evans : " There was also my mother 's health problems . For years mother had been complaining about headaches . She was sure she had cancer . The doctors thought she was nuts , a hypochondriac . When she was finally diagnosed with a brain tumor , it was too late . The last few weeks of her life were racked by terrible visions . She would sit in a chair on the front porch staring at me and opening her mouth to warn me about something but nothing came out . Mother died peacefully rocking back and forth on the porch waiting for my father to come home from fishing . " Mary Evans : " We were both in the same psychology course . I talked to Nick about my mother and her powers of perception . Nick was fascinated . We went down to the Dominion House for a drink one night . After a few beers he insisted I read his palms . I laughed and explained that I couldn 't read palms , that I had no such powers . Pushing his beer toward me , he insisted that I read the suds . He looked angry . I was afraid to say no . I looked into his beer . I couldn 't see anything . Nick took this literally , meaning of course that he had no future to see . Grabbing my hand he dragged me out of the pub and down the street . I was too drunk to complain . Soon we were lying in the grass under the Ambassador Bridge . Nick was all over me . He was a big man and I could hardly breath . His hand started tugging at my panties . I guess I didn 't put up much of a fight . Maybe I wanted it to happen . Before I could catch my breath he was in me and out . I couldn 't believe that I had waited all these years and that was it . Nick peeled the condom off his penis and threw it at me . Read that , you bitch ! he cried . " Mary Evans : " I was glad I 'd finally gotten it over with . And I was disappointed . If that 's all that sex was , I couldn 't see the point in going through it again . " University Center . Tall , blond , handsome , Jeff was very charming . I told him I hated Windsor . The town was dead . Jeff laughed . It seems his father was an undertaker . After the dance we went for a walk through a park by the river . We sat down on a park bench . Jeff began to tickle me . I hate being tickled . I ran into the park . Jeff ran after me , pulling me to the ground and kissing me . His hand slipped up my leg . I asked him to slow down . We were both still laughing . I know what you want , he said . Everyone knows what you want . Jeff 's other hand slid under my blouse and began to tug at my bra . No ! I protested , but Jeff wasn 't listening . You 're too big ! I cried . Shut up ! Jeff barked . I closed my eyes and waited for it to be over . I heard someone calling out for their dog . Opening my eyes , I looked over Jeff 's shoulder and saw a large dog standing behind him , sniffing at Jeff 's bare ass . I couldn 't help myself and started to laugh . Jeff slapped me . " Mary Evans : " I did say no , but he wouldn 't listen . I was just a slab of meat , something dead and frozen picked up at the local grocery market . I told some girlfriends in residence . They said I shouldn 't have been in the park with him . What did I expect ? " Mary Evans : " I vowed not to get involved with any more men . I met some other girls in residence and we really hit it off . What a howl we would have . Sometimes we would go drinking together at the Bridge House and stumble home together peeing our pants with laughter . One evening I was there with Marie , my closest friend at the time . At one point in the evening Marie invited Michael , a friend of Marie 's that I had seen around campus , to sit down with us . At first I was wary but we had some more beers and Michael was very funny . Marie excused herself soon after claiming she had a test in geography the next day . I suspected that it was a set up . Marie knew what had happened with Nick and Jeff and I knew she wouldn 't leave me with someone who would hurt me again . And I liked Michael so I stayed . We talked and laughed and drank . I guess I got drunk . Michael took me back to his f1at . When we entered his room he kissed me and started taking my clothes off . Shit ! Its started all over again , I said to myself . I started to cry . Could we just talk ? I asked . Sure , Michael replied . And that 's all we did . After that we spent each evening , naked , in each other 's arms , talking and laughing . Michael was so patient with me . After a couple of weeks of this , Michael asked very politely if we could make love . Michael bought a box of condoms and we used them all up in one night . I could hardly walk the next day . Michael said his dick had diaper rash the day after . " Mary Evans : " Everything was great . I began to take a keener interest in school . Even the city of Windsor became bearable . Everyone said I had a new glow about me . And then one evening I got a call from Nick . He asked to see me again . I felt so strong , almost invincible . I told him where he could stick it . But that weekend Michael went home . There was some problem with his sister . They were very close . Friday night was fine . But Saturday evening I got restless . I thought I 'd go down the Bridge House and have a beer . No one wanted to go with me so I went by myself . I met Nick there . He was a different person , so charming , and funny and exciting . He invited me back to his place . I knew I shouldn 't go . I knew it wasn 't right . But , I was curious . When we got to Nick 's place he brought out some weed . I had never smoke marijuana before . I almost coughed out my lungs . And then we made love . I don 't know how it happened . It was wonderful , much better than it had ever been with Michael . After that it was Nick I wanted to be with . I made excuses to Michael , told him I had assignments due , or there was a get together with the girls , or it was my period . All the time I was fucking Nick . I felt guilty as hell but I didn 't care . You see how terrible this is ? All my life I have been around wonderful men , my father , brother , and now Michael and … " Mary Evans : " It wasn 't just that . It wasn 't that I had lied and cheated on Michael . It wasn 't that , because I was quite willing to continue lying and cheating on Michael . I had slept with the lamb and I preferred the beast . I understood the woman with the long hair that had been murdered by her husband . I understood her . She couldn 't leave him ; she preferred him . Why doctor ? Why am I like this ? What is inside me that chooses the Nick 's of the world ? " Mary Evans : " And the next one would be another Nick . Don 't you see , doc ? I despise women who chose men like Nick . I can 't stand women who would turn men like my brother away , kind men , gentle men , good men . And I know I am one of those women . " Dr . Shelby : " We 'll discuss that in our next meeting . I 'm going to write a note to the Dean allowing you to continue classes . What 's this ? " My grandfather was the noted writer Morley Callaghan , he who cavorted with Hemingway in Paris , not his son who cavorted with my mother . Grandpa told me that you should never let truth get in the way of a good story . Lying is the most human of endeavors . It 's what separates us from the animal kingdom . Nature is never deceitful . So why do we lie ? Exaggerate ? Invent ? I believe that we lie to furnish this awful existence we have been thrown in with something more edifying than pain and suffering . We have outgrown reality . And if God is dead as any rational creature must admit then what other purpose do we have on earth but to entertain each other ? Let us while away our last hours as amiably as possible . America 's gift to history is the late night talk show . The end of time arrives in one liners and snappy rejoinders . Did I say Morley Callaghan was my grandfather ? I lied . Did I tell you about the time I met the Beach Boys ? It was l969 . That does date me , doesn 't it ? The Holiday Inn on Riverside Drive had just opened a few weeks earlier and me and Sandra , a college friend , decided to try out the bar , not that we normally cruised bars but everything new in Windsor had to he tried out at least once . Living in Windsor was like waiting for a bus in a bus terminal . Every time a bus pulled into the station you had to check it out , not because you thought it was your bus but because there was nothing else to do . We were having a drink when Sandra noticed the Beach Boys and their retinue at a booth in the corner of the room . One of their roadies came over and asked us if we wanted to join them in a drink . We accepted . Brian Wilson , the sad genius of the group , sat across from me . He was so drunk that they lodged him between two of his brothers for support . While his brothers had these great tans , Brian was pale . He looked like the blood had been drained right out of him . A double order of drinks were placed in front of us . It was eerie . All these guys at the table staring at us in silence . They were in a hurry to get us drunk . " Wouldn 't you like to tell your friends that you slept with the Beach Boys ? " one of the Wilson brothers added . I don 't know which brother it was . They all looked the same to me but I think it was the one who later drowned . Do you ever get the impression that someone is putting words in your mouth ? Do you ever get the impression that you 're not communicating what you feel , that language conspires to misrepresent you , that someone else is writing your story ? When the Indians first saw the camera they thought the photographer was stealing their soul . This is what truth is like . Truth is universal . Lying is personal . When you tell people what happened , the facts as they say , then you 're nothing more than a recorder . Your story is kidnapped . It 's like everyone else 's . You get up in the morning . You go to work or school , come home , eat , watch a little television , and go to bed . Everyone does that . A brief synopsis of life : you 're born , you die . I went to a Lancer basketball game at St . Dens Hall one time . After the game a gang of us tripped on down to the Bridge House . The place was packed . I was sitting with a group of students at one table in the middle of the room . The table was filled with beer . The juke box was loud . Everyone talked at the same time . I was bored to death . This guy Miles was trying to hit on me . He was boring . I looked away . A tear ran down my cheek , I struggled to my feet and fought my way out of the room . When Miles reached me outside I was leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette . I turned to Miles and smiled . " Could we go back to your place ? " I thought we could do some smoke . Maybe he 'd have some records we could listen to . I wanted to get blitzed . I hate people who are deep . I prefer shallow surface types . They 're honest . What do intellectuals think about that is of any consequence ? The university is filled with intellectuals whom no one has ever heard of and probably never will . Thinking is a grave dull minds bury themselves in . I consider someone intelligent who can make me laugh not someone who understands the Theory of Relativity . Think of all the time and effort intellectuals spent trying to understand how the sun revolved around the earth only to find out centuries later that they were wrong . Science is the continual project to discover how stupid we have been . That is not smart . Making money is never stupid . You always have something to show for your efforts . Not every one appreciates it when you entertain them . I remember one evening in residence when a bunch of us girls were sitting around getting drunk . Marie , a girl from an upper class well heeled family whose wardrobe consisted of jeans and plaid shirts sat Buddha like on the bed . I knew something was coming my way when she butted out her cigarette then picked up the bottle . of wine and refilled all the styrofoam cups of the girls in the room . Here it comes , I said to myself . O ' Hara rolled off her chair onto the floor , laughing . They all started to laugh . I didn 't find it funny . I hate it when people see right through me . Did I tell you about the time I met Frank Zappa ? The Mothers of Invention were playing in Toronto at Massey Hall . Is the place really named after a tractor ? I have a friend , Jack Sirdevan , who worked as an usher in the Hall . He brought me to Frank 's dressing room between shows . Frank was sitting in a chair , chain smoking , staring into space . Frank looked up at me with those surly wicked eyes . I told him I admired his music ; a dumb remark but what else was I supposed to say ? Actually I couldn 't stand the Mothers ' music . It didn 't make any sense . Frank looked up at me , patted the chair beside him , and dismissed my friend Jack . I sat down . I was wearing a mini skirt , about eight inches above my knees and I could see his eyes drinking in my legs . Okay , it wasn 't Frank Zappa . But it was some rock star . Who can remember all these one hit head bashing heavy metal types ? I don 't feel guilty for lying . It 's not like I killed anyone . I saw a photograph of Mussoline and his mistress after they had been executed , after the mob had their way with their corpses . Meat on a rope . Isn 't that what it all comes down to ? All that pomp and arrogance and power and they end up like shishkebobs . All those awful pictures of bodies being ploughed into mass graves . It 's fascinating because they treat humanity like an infection of salmonella . What else are we ? I was once introduced to Charlie Manson by Carl Wilson at a party in L . A . He was funny . I 'll bet even Hitler cracked the odd joke . He certainly had the face for comedy . At the same party I met the Maharashi , a fat silly man with a tiny giggling voice . He told me in confidence that his mother had wanted him to become a dentist . All these celebrities had one thing in common . They were all full of bullshit . Not an honest person in the lot . Honest people are just so much furniture in this world . They don 't even get good speaking parts . History is written by liars about liars . My hands are getting so ragged . I used to have such lovely skin . Boys used to agree with anything I said , undergo any humiliation , laugh at any of my jokes , just for the opportunity to touch my skin . Brian used to go off like a firecracker as soon as my fingers touched his Johnson . He said it was my skin . Kevin told me that my pussy was like the lining of a mink coat . Men are so much more amusing when they are in a state of semi - arousal . I love it when they beg me to take it out . I like getting a guy angry , right on the edge of violence , then cooling him out , Men expect this kind of treatment from beautiful women . I love to see sweat running down a man 's temples , to see that look in his eyes of pleasure bordering on exhaustion . I 've often wondered what it would be like to have a man go off inside you at the same time as he is having a stroke . That would be such a high . I met Pierre Trudeau in Ottawa one evening when I was skating down the canal . He was out alone . I fell and he helped me up . There was a look of such boyish promise in his eyes that I couldn 't help but speculate what he might be like in bed . After he helped me to a bench , we talked . Actually I did most of the talking and he the listening . We had been talking for some time when it began to snow , softly at first but soon it had built itself into a storm . We headed back to a nearby bridge for cover but somehow got separated . I think that in his dreams Pierre might still be out there now looking for me . You don 't believe me . How can I always be in control in these stories ? There was one boy who had complete control over me . He was so beautiful . I was sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch when a boy stepped up to the table . I looked up . Michael had a page boy haircut , pale milk skin , and the loveliest blue eyes . He was holding a lunch tray in his hands . He asked if he could join me . We introduced ourselves . Michael monopolized the conversation . He was like a drunk behind the wheel , his conversation winding back and forth over an assortment of topics , dropping one line of thought to start a new one , only to pick up the other line a few moments later . I found Michael exhausting and exhilarating at the same . Michael was beautiful like my father . It used to drive my mother crazy that all the women were chasing him , to find out what gave his hair such body , how he kept his skin so smooth , what they could possibly do to keep their tummies so taut . It turned me on to see everyone watching Michael and I as we crossed the campus hand in hand , or lay on the grass in front of the administration building fondling each other . Michael was well read , everything from Nietzsche to Carlyle , Eliade to Ezra Pound . No matter the argument , no matter what the topic of conversation , Michael could sit down and hold his own . And his interests were so diversified , from opera to local politics , cubism to chile recipes . And Michael was a wonderful lover . He taught me how to draw out my orgasm , how to make it last for hours , and how to make the man in my life bless each moment between my legs . Michael was exhausting , never semed to need sleep , could hardly sit still to eat , but he had one major weakness . Michael hated to be bored . Life was entertainment for Michael . When I slept over at Michael 's he would wait until his roommate , Tim , had bedded down before we made love . He would take me from behind while waving to Tim across the darkened room . It was humiliating . When I protested , he told me it was fun and that 's what sex was all about . And then he started taking pictures of me with his Polaroid . I felt awkward at first but Michael convinced me that I shouldn 't he ashamed of my body . Michael was becoming increasingly bored and when he became bored he invented new ways to excite himself . One late night he went down on me between the rows of books on the top floor of the library . Another afternoon we did it in the men 's washroom of the Bridge House . And then one day he showed me his photo album , filled with naked girls he had slept with . I recognized my girl friend , Gail . I tried to tear the album out of his hands . He laughed . I hit him , punched and kicked him then broke down in tears . Michael kept laughing . And then , well the rest is too humiliating . After that Michael tired of me , he preferred drugs . As Michael experimented with more and different drugs , I found myself increasingly alone . Drugs did not interest me ; they made me feel out of control . One day I came home and I found Michael on the can , a needle hanging out of his arm . He just sat there with this smirk on his face . A fly landed on his chin . He still smiled . It crawled along his lip and then up one nasal passage and out the other . After Michael 's death I don 't remember much , just sitting here in this institution killing time , waiting for it all to end . I still like to think I have my looks . They treat us really well here . The food is excellent . Did I tell you that Princess Diana came to visit us last week ? Rate this : Comments : Leave a Comment » Things were not going well . Persuaded by my parents I had bought a condominium on the edge of the city , two bus rides and a subway away from my work . But my mother wanted me within calling distance so that if either of my parents died in the middle of the night I would be close at hand . " I 'll die first , " my mother insisted . " Your father will be lost . He 'll start using butter again . And don 't let him drink too much coffee . It keeps him awake at night . " " You wouldn 't want any more space than this , " my mother concluded as she gave me a tour of the apartment . ( My mother found the apartment for me . ) " You don 't want to spend all your money furnishing the place . " My parents were delighted that I had finally grown up and invested in real estate . Finally I was an adult . I had property . Like hundreds of others , I owned a little space in the sky anchored to the ground by an elevator . I hated the place . Except for the sound of toilets flushing through out the building , it was perfectly silent . It gave me a migraine . It was condominium that I could barely afford . I tried to cut corners . I restricted myself to a couple of apples each day for lunch . I never bought the paper but picked up a discarded Star or Sun on the subway . Cable television was included in the maintenance payments so I picked up an old black and white television at the Goodwill for twenty dollars . I never went out . That wasn 't much of a problem since I had few friends . I had to wake up at five o ' clock in the morning to begin preparations for my two and a half hour trip across the city . If everything went well , I arrived early enough to have a coffee and browse through the headlines in the paper . But if the subway broke down , or the bus was held up by traffic congestion then I had to make up the time that evening , meaning that I often did not arrive home before eight o ' clock . And I hated my job . I had graduated from university with a general arts degree and no prospects and a huge debt . I took a one - year course in one of the thriving technological colleges as a computer technician . I hated computers . After applying for a couple hundred positions I received a contract position in a new high - tech company . It seemed that everyone in the firm worked around the clock and no one was so keen as the three owners . They had been old college mates and this was their first venture into business . The three amigos as they gleefully referred to each other were in a perpetual state of giddiness ; business was doing well , and they could not understand why anyone in the firm was not as keen as them . Employees who were not willing to put in sixty - hour weeks found that their contracts were not renewed . When asked about a raise their retort was , " work more hours . " I felt that I was on a perpetual bubble that each day could count as the beginning of my inevitable dismissal . I could not afford to be late . Some evenings I lay on my bed , staring up at the ceiling and wondering if this was what the rest of my life was going to be like . I couldn 't allow myself to answer the question . Each morning , I struggled out of bed , took a quick shower , drank several cups of coffee , stuffed several slices of toast in my mouth , dressed , and rushed out of my building and up a long hill to the bus shelter . There was never anyone else waiting for a bus . It was dark and very early . The birds had not even begun to sing their morning chorus to the rising sun . Sometimes a lone dog released by his master the evening before would follow me to the bus stop , sniffing at my feet , occasionally barking at me , looking for some form of affection I suspected . I hated dogs . And then I would stand there in the darkness waiting for the bus . I had to be early . The bus ran every twenty minutes and I could not afford to miss it . I enjoyed those moments before the bus arrived , waiting in the shelter , finally able to relax . I felt one step ahead of the rest of the world . One morning I found someone else waiting in the bus shelter before me . She sat on one of the plastic seats , wrapped in layers of clothing , a cigarette hanging out of her mouth . I tried to ignore her . She didn 't say anything to me that first morning . The bus arrived and I expected the old woman to climb on the board behind me but she did not . I showed the bus driver my pass . " She must have a family , " the driver continued as we pulled into the street . " Imagine someone letting their mother live like that ! It 's a crime . " " You don 't want to work ? " one of the bosses asked . Who knew which one it was ? They were interchangeable . I said that I would be in . I was surprised to find the old woman there again . She was sitting on her seat , smoking a cigarette and drinking a coffee . She had a coffee machine on the ground with an extension cord from the machine to a nearby house . I wondered what the owners of the house would think if they discovered that their electricity was being siphoned off . " What a rat race ! " she grinned , her teeth yellowed from her smoking . " I wouldn 't put up with it , working Saturdays . You want a coffee ? " I shook my head . The old woman pulled out a bag she kept hidden under her seat and took out a small package of cookies . She offered me one . I slept most of Sunday , getting up just in time to watch the end of the endless round of football games on television . I hated football . I went to check my telephone messages when I noticed that the plug for my telephone had been pulled out . I was in a panic . What if the bosses had called me into work ? The month before one of my colleagues had been released because the bosses said that she hadn 't been responding to her telephone messages . The rest of us had been warned that it might become necessary to furnish all of us with pagers , at our expense . I phoned work . One of the bosses answered and howled with laughter when I explained why I had called . " What a liar ! " she cried , spitting out smoke . " You don 't want to see me enjoying myself . That 's what it is . You rich bastards are all alike . " As the days passed by , the old woman began to furnish the shelter . There was her television and her coffee machine . I noticed that she had a shopping cart from a local grocery store filled with items , parked behind the shelter . Remnants of a rug were thrown across the floor . Pictures from magazines were taped on the glass walls . One morning I arrived to find that she had put up curtains on the east wall . Another day I arrived to find the old woman squatting over a pale , defecating . I stood outside . When she was finished she carried the pale over to a nearby sewer and emptied it . Then she returned to the shelter took out an aerosol can and sprayed . " Do what ? " the driver barked at me . " You want to throw that poor soul back out into the cold ? People like you should be ashamed of yourself . " " Not getting any , " she laughed , cackling like a cat after a bird . " I figured you must be married working so many hours . But you 're single and still you 're busting your balls . Maybe you don 't like girls . " The next morning I was determined not to let the old woman get under my skin . It was difficult enough to put up with the bosses without being harassed first thing in the morning by a bag woman . But that morning the old woman wasn 't herself . She had a running nose with a terrible cough that seemed to shake her whole being . All day I thought about the old woman wrapped in her clothes like an Egyptian mummy , coughing , smoking , and shaking . As usual when I got home that evening there was no one at the bus shelter . Where did she go during the day ? I wondered . After I had finished dinner and the sun had set , the days were getting shorter and the nights were turning chilly , I set out for the shelter . What if she had died , I thought to myself . Would I be considered responsible ? She wasn 't there . I sat in her seat in the shelter and wondered when or if she would show up . I looked around at the houses and apartments in the area , the living rooms lit up , people watching television , cars moving so purposely through the streets , people rushing down the sidewalks heading for home . It was relaxing to sit there and watch the world pass by . Like a king on his thrown , I scanned all the subjects of my realm . " And you thought you could take over ! " she said with a smirk . " Oh you rich bastards are all the same . It 's not enough that you have all the goodies at the feast , you want the crumbs as well . " So delighted was I with my proclamation that I began to laugh , laughed harder than I could ever remember . I laughed so hard I almost doubled over and my jaws began to ache . Tears ran down my face . 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Copyright - Keith R Wilson - 2016 Category : At the Epiphany Cafe The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list So , here I am , the madwoman in the attic . I always knew it would come down to this . Wait , that 's not all . I got an angry drug dealer who used to be my boyfriend and all his henchmen after me ; my current boyfriend shot me in the arm ; and the Spellbinding Fish Fry are playing in Ohio by now . Can things get any worse ? The Fry have got a song where they say when things get bad , just go through all the things you 're grateful for . That 's what I 'll do . Just like in the song . They start off with some things about the sun and the sky , but I can 't start there because I 'm stuck in the attic and can 't see either one of them . But , let 's see . There must be something I 'm grateful for . I got drugs . Not just Vicodin or Percosets , I 've got a guy bringing me oxies . That 's what he does for me . And he gives me all of them , even though he has a broken collar bone and all I got is a bullet graze on my arm . I 'd rather have some weed , but that would entail going to my drug dealer ex - boyfriend , hazardous for him and impossible for me , so we have to settle for what he can get from his doctor , his dentist , the good people at the emergency room , and any other doctors he can find . The oxies put me in a permanent state of suspension from my body , like the two of us have agreed to disagree and are calling it quits from each other for a while . My body 's always been better off without me , anyway . We get along better this way , if you know what I mean . I got the nicest guy in the world , who thinks he 's in love with me . He isn 't the guy I 'd pick because I don 't pick nice guys , but he 's a guy who brings me drugs and straightens out these old dresses I sleep on every morning like they 're a bed to be made . He brings me food when I need it and even a pot to piss and shit in . Then he empties the pot so I don 't have to go downstairs . As nice as he is , I figured out he 's not one of the thirty - six people alive who 're keeping the world from being destroyed . He got disqualified when he shot me because no one like that would 've shot anyone for any reason . That 's why I don 't mind him shooting me so much . It takes a lot of the pressure off me , having to keep him good , so as not to destroy the world . The fact that I don 't have to keep him good means that I 'm free to fuck him , but the weirdo never wants to fuck . I 've quit asking . He 's always afraid his sister will hear us . There 's something about those two I can 't put my finger on . It 's like he 's really married to his sister and I 'm the mistress he 's trying to keep a secret . A mistress he never fucks . Notice that I said he thinks he 's in love with me . I didn 't say he is in love with me . He doesn 't know me . In fact , all this love is getting in the way of him knowing a thing about me . It keeps him from seeing me for the loser I am . So , he keeps loving me , which is what he wants to do . He just wants to love someone , so he invents someone to love . Notice I didn 't say I 'm in love with him . Although , he 's cool , I guess . It doesn 't make any sense , but it 's the love he thinks he has for me that 's getting in the way of any loving I could do . It 's like he doesn 't need it from me . I can treat him as bad as I want and he 'd still go right on loving me because he can 't see a thing . If things keep going on like this , I could end up hating him because he pays no attention to me , even though he 's up my ass constantly . Chai Latte is the guy I really love , for all the shit he 's done to me . I think it 's like this . You don 't fall in love and then choose a person . You choose them first and then fall in love with them because you chose them . And you choose them before you know them , so you don 't really need to know them to love them . In fact , it 's better if you don 't know them . Also , only one person in a couple can choose . That 's why only one person can do the loving . The one who doesn 't do the loving ends up hating because everyone wants to be the one who gets the choice , even though it 's hard and you 've got to work hard and get beat up . That 's the way it is . It 's not the way we want it , so it takes a while before we understand . For now , I 'm happy being the one loved , rather than having to do all the loving . It 's easier that way , even though I don 't get to choose . Screw choice . For whatever reason it 's important , I guess I have to include on my gratitude list the fact that the sister doesn 't know I 'm in the house . When I worked at the cafe , I 'd see her come in wearing her long dresses and cardigans , no matter how hot it is outside . She asks me if I 've seen him and , when I say no , she looks like she wouldn 't believe anything I would say , anyway . Then she gets a look in her eye that tells me there 's a whole lot of crazy going on . I got this attic all to myself . There 's a broken window on one end and a good one on the other that 's really dirty . Birds fly in and out whenever they want . It 's like I 'm a bird in a cage and the real birds are free to come over and see me . They whistle their songs to me and I learn to whistle them back . It makes them happy when I talk like them . When I get bored , I go through the boxes up here and find all the things these people kept and forgot they had . That 's what gratitudes are , I guess . Stuff we got in the attic and didn 't even know we had . The Fry ought to add something in their song about that . I 'll have to tell them . No gratitude list would be complete if I didn 't add the Spellbinding Fish Fry . It breaks my heart that I can 't be with them right now and I left my music behind when I ran out of Chai Latte 's , but I got all their songs in my head . Anytime I want , I can just sing them . It also warms my heart to know that out in Ohio , they and all the Deep Fries are working hard to bring peace , love , and understanding to the world . I am starting to see that , when I get more understanding , it changes what I know about love . I don 't know about peace . Peace could turn out to be very different from what I imagined it would be , just like love . It might turn out to be something I don 't want , either . My boyfriend can 't find me here . The drug - dealing boyfriend , Chai Latte , I mean . He 's going to be pissed when he finds out I 'm gone and even more pissed when he finds out I took the money under his bed . I would 've taken more if I could carry it . I would 've taken less if he hadn 't been such a prick . But then I wouldn 't have needed to run away at all , would I ? When I 'm not snooping around the attic , I 'm counting my money . Three thousand hundred dollar bills . More than this girl has ever see in her life , certainly all at once ; probably more than I got from every shit job I ever had . So , what am I doing , hanging around in this attic like a madwoman , or a caged bird , or a kept mistress who never gets fucked when I 've got all this money ? That 's the thing that erases all the gratitudes . I can 't leave because of that prick I love , Chai Latte . He 's got to be watching my car and he 'll kill me . What was I thinking ? I never should have let the nice guy drag me up here in his attic , but I thought it was a good idea for someone to love me . I should have taken off while I could have . Now , I 've got to lay low for a while , at least as long as the drugs hold out . Then I make my move and do my part in spreading peace , love , and understanding to the whole world . Peace and understanding at least . Posted on April 29 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list Rabbi ! shares a parable You may be wondering , Dear Reader , why I , S Harry Zade , don 't come right out and tell you what happened to the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . Why do I dick around with these long digressions ? What is it with the rabbit trail of the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat ? Who cares about the agonies and the ecstasy of Kenilworth 's resident saint when there 's real action going on . Time is money , you might be saying ; let 's get on with it . Enough of this swirling around suburban streets ; where 's the highway ? Indeed , enough of the journey ; it 's time we arrived at our destination . Are we there yet ? Similarly , you may also be wonder why I , S Harry Zade , as a literary stylist , don 't favor the pared down style of simple , direct , and unadorned prose that 's so much in vogue . Less , is more , the writing teachers say . Take out all necessary words say the resident geniuses at Bread Loaf and Iowa Writers Workshop . Remove everything but the minimal necessary to convey meaning . A journalistic style was good enough for Hemingway ; why isn 't it good enough for me ? Well , there 's a couple reasons why . One practical ; the other deep . The practical reason is that I 'm a fictional character whose sole purpose in life is to be your narrator . I live to tell stories and will get killed off the moment I 'm done telling them . In a sense , I 'm paid by the hour and will linger by the time clock for as long as I can before I punch out . The deep reason is why you should indulge me . It 's what you get out of it . It justifies bushwhacking through the brambles when you could be at camp , eating s ' mores by the fire , already , before stretching out for an early bed . Of course , I can 't just tell you the deep reason ; I have to impart it my own way . It reminds me of another sermon by the Laughing Rabbi , as he told it to us at the Epiphany Cafe . There was a man who lived way up in the hills and ate nothing but raw wheat , which he grew himself . Day in and day out , nothing but plain wheat . It sounded horrible to us . No caramel almond milk lattes , no peanut butter cookies as big as a dinner plate , no cheesy smushed paninis , no scones , no danishes ; why , not even any sandwich wraps . The man came to town one day , got hungry , and looked for something to eat . None of the stores had raw wheat . None of the restaurants served raw wheat . He walked into a bakery . They had something which they called bread . They sold him some bread . It had a hard , flaky crust on the outside and a soft , warm , fragrance inside . The showed him how to drizzle honey on it and he ate . " I 'll have that , " said the man from the hills . He ate the croissant with strawberry jam , just like they showed him . " How do you like it ? " asked the baker . " Can I get you anything to take home with you ? " asked the baker . " Besides bread , croissants , and cupcakes , I also have biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls . Maybe you 'd like to try them ? " " Why would I take anything home with me ? I already have wheat , and eat wheat every day . If wheat is the basic ingredient of everything you make , then I 've already had it all . " The laughing rabbi laughed . We didn 't laugh . As laughing rabbi stories go , this was one of his better stories ; but , what did it mean ? We didn 't get the point . Ever since the enlightenment , Western men and women have been preoccupied with narrowing everything down to the essentials . This has resulted in the elocution of the laws of physics and all the advances of science ; but it has also given us reductionism in philosophy and fundamentalism in religion . It 's brought us impersonal architecture , unrecognizable art , and incomprehensible literature . We have turned people into numbers and governance into bureaucracy . We would just as soon interact with machines than people . We 've dismissed everything that makes life worth living as mere fluff . We have become a civilization of wheat eaters . So , there you have it . What would you rather have , Dear Reader ? Bread , croissants , and cupcakes , biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls , or raw wheat ? Posted on April 9 , 2017April 8 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on Rabbi ! shares a parable The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The Geeky Guy had seen a bottle of hydrogen peroxide around the house , somewhere . He was looking in all the possible places without resorting to asking his sister or going downstairs , where his sister might speak to him . He moved the broken electronics that were blocking the linen closet door : TVs , flat and bulging ; phones , cordless and corded ; radios , big and small ; fishing boat sonar processors ; VCRs ; laptops ; printers ; fax machines ; scanners ; barometers ; GPS receivers ; CD players ; woofers and sub woofers ; all the treasures he had picked up on garbage day and said he 'd fix . They were all in the way now . He had found the greatest treasure of his life , shot her , brought her home , and needed to fix her ; but he couldn 't find the damn peroxide . She said it was OK , she 'd heard it wasn 't good for wounds , she 'd just use soap and water . She said she didn 't need a hospital , it wasn 't that bad , it had only grazed her . She said she was glad he came , thankful he found her , sorry she hit him with a baseball bat . No , she 'd rather not go to the hospital . A doctor was unnecessary . She didn 't have insurance . This was the perfect place to hide . Chai Latte would never find her here , in this house . No one would come to look for her here , it looked haunted , and no one would suspect she was with him , the Geeky Guy . He needn 't worry . It was fine . He should be doing something for his shoulder . But it wasn 't fine . The peroxide wasn 't in the medicine cabinet , either . Nor , in the bedroom . Nor any other place you would or wouldn 't expect to find it . He came across some ancient gauze his parents had bought twenty years ago for an occasion just like this . There was some first aid tape , so old it lost its stick . There was some disinfecting stuff you sprayed ; but not the peroxide . What was the use of having peroxide if you couldn 't find it when you needed it , when you shot the girl you regarded as your wife and she was sitting on your bed in your bedroom , where no girl had been before , bleeding into the sheets . The sheets were none too clean to be bleeding into , she thought , as she sat bleeding into them . The Lisping Barista was never one to be too fastidious , but she had limits to the grodiness she could accept . She looked around . She wasn 't the most organized person in the world , but she had never seen anything like it . He could barely open the door to squeeze in the room . From there to the bed there was a path where you couldn 't put two feet side by side . Even the bed was partly covered by electronics . A desk had soldering equipment , a bright light , bins of screws , screwdrivers , and pliers , but no peroxide . The room was more of a workshop than a living space . She was relieved when the Geeky Guy , later , after he had given up on the peroxide and dressed her wound , said that she couldn 't stay where his sister could find her . She would have to hide in the attic . It was a major project just to get to the attic door . The door was right there , in his room , behind boxes , piles of laundry , and a garbage can that hadn 't been emptied in ten years . He , with a bad shoulder , and she , with a a bullet hole , together moved the objects , as if they only had two good arms between them . At last they could open the attic door , and they went up the stairs , brushing back the cobwebs , and seeking the chain of a single , bare light . The house on High Street had been in the Geeky Guy 's family since it was built in Victorian times and , since the family had never left , the attic accumulated the detritus of generations . Dusty furniture . Hat boxes . An old daguerreotype camera with a black hood . Trunks that hadn 't been opened in a century . Paintings that only briefly saw the light of day . At one end of the attic a window was broken and allowed the entry of starlings . Though the dirty window at the other end , a streetlight shone . A dressmaker 's dummy produced a headless silhouette against the light that caused them both to come up short . The Geeky Guy thought it was the black ghost of his mother , come to reproach him for clashing with his sister . The Lisping Barista thought it was his sister , who was known to be otherworldly creepy . When reason took over , they cleared a space on the floor , and made a bed out of some old dresses . Once the Lisping Barista threw out the whalebone corsets and arranged a bustle to serve as a pillow , the crude mattress wasn 't half bad . The attic was as crammed with junk as the rest of the house and anything they disturbed would precipitate bouts of sneezing . On a scale of luxury , the attic couldn 't compare to the soft bed , multiple pillows , and fine thread Egyptian cotton sheets of Chai Latte , but the Lisping Barista felt safe with the Geeky Guy , even though , less than an hour ago , he had shot her . The Lisping Barista , being who she was , as soon as she got comfortable , began to get amorous . The Geeky Guy , being who he was , was unprepared for this . He could play the part of Knight in Shining Armor to a T ; but , when it came to sex , he was lost at C . As usual , she was more than willing to make up for his hesitation with her stimulation , but a problem began to arise . It seems that , when one is shot , or hit on the shoulder with a baseball bat , it doesn 't hurt so much at first . Adrenaline , endorphins , shock , crisis , surprise , and relief take over . Then you get busy looking for the peroxide . It 's not until later , after you bring your love home to stay and after you make a bed for yourself out of silk dresses , that it starts to hurt ; and , when it hurts , it hurts like a son - of - a - gun . They discussed a solution . The Geeky Guy would go to the hospital and have someone look at his shoulder . He would say that he had engaged in some sort of a construction project in his house and a beam fell on it . He would get it x - rayed , have them sling a sling , and above all , bring back plenty of Oxies . On that last point , the Lisping Barista was insistent . Percosets would do if they wouldn 't give out Oxies , but he had to come back with something . Don 't act like you want them too much , don 't ask for them by name , but don 't leave for home without them . They needed Oxies enough for both of them and she wasn 't going to go to any hospital where Chai Latte would find her and the cops would start asking questions about why she was shot . She couldn 't go , so he had to and bring back the Oxies . Like she said , Percosets would be fine and even Codeine would be better than nothing ; Fentanyl would be lovely . And she was going to need them more than he because , after all , it 's a more serious thing to be shot than to have a tap on the shoulder , but don 't tell them it was just a tap on the shoulder . Tell them it hurts and you can 't sleep , and you can 't do anything , because of the pain , so they give you plenty of Oxies . The Geeky Guy said that 's what he 'd do and she made him practice saying it . My shoulder hurts so bad . It 's a ten on a ten point scale . I 'll be careful not to abuse them . I don 't want to get addicted . Ow ! Eww ! Damn it , that hurts ! Thank you . Is that going to help ? It was a good thing that the Lisping Barista made the Geeky Guy repeat his lines . He wouldn 't have known what to say . Moreover , he wasn 't paying close attention . His mind was on the headless dressmaker 's dummy in the attic and on the bodiless head of his mother that had been tossed on his lap . Posted on January 4 , 2017December 29 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags F , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The High Street Witch pets her cat With such a large cast of characters associated with the Epiphany Cafe , it 's inevitable that I will neglect someone . You may have been wondering what the High Street Witch has been up to . Now that the Lisping Barista has swung her bat and the Geeky Guy has fired his gun , you may be thinking it 's high time we returned to High Street to see what the witch is doing . Well , if so , today is your lucky day . We 're heading there now ; and so are the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . The witch was sitting in the front room , petting her black cat and cackling at her sitcoms , not far from the door through which they entered . The Geeky Guy had never been the type to sneak in ; but he never brought a girl home with him , either . Theirs was an ancient house , a warren of undersized rooms which were filled with piles and piles of junk ; creating a labyrinth of passageways to insure that nothing could escape . He was sneaking in now , relying on the stacks of newspapers by the door to avoid her questions . The sitcoms were not so absorbing so as to occupy all the High Street Witch 's mind or her senses . Nothing her brother did ever got past her , although she may not understand it all . She hadn 't been like a mother to him all these years for nothing , although it seemed that way now . She had eyes in the back of her head , like a mother , and she had ears by the door . In fact , she was more of a mother than their mother had even been , as she often found a reason to say . Her brother had been acting strangely , ever since that girl infiltrated their lives . He came home very late from the date and never told her a thing about it . He 'd always told her everything , even when there was nothing to say . Then , she heard he bought a coffee shop . A coffee shop ! Except for drinking coffee , what could he know about coffee shops ? But , if going on a date and buying a coffee shop was all that had happened , it would 've been quite unusual , indeed . But nothing could hurt as much as the single , cruel , selfish thing he did , then . She had left college the very night of their parent 's accident without even packing her stuff . She got on a Greyhound bus that worried through every town , till she arrived at the hospital and found him sitting alone with his clothes covered in blood , too sad to even cry . She never returned to school , foreswearing her own life , in favor of devotion to his . She never asked for anything in exchange , but there was one thing she liked . The very night she returned , he took a bath and dressed pre - pubescently in his PJ 's . She walked through the rambling , dreadfully desolate , old house and thought , how could only two fill this space ? When he went to his room for the night and she went to hers , it was as she was totally alone in the world . No , worse than that . It was as if she had been thrown off the world and was hurtling through the vacancy of space . It was then that her little brother did the most wonderful thing . He knocked on her door . And she did the most natural , motherly thing . She opened the sheets to let him in . They spent that night in full embrace . Two lost children , there for each other , with no one else in the world . That 's the way it had been for years until the High Street Witch found out about the girl , went to the coffee shop , and attempted to cast her spell . You remember the spell , don 't you ? The cruel , calculating , guilt - inducing accusation , designed to preserve a stagnant status quo . " You wish I 'd died with them ; don 't you ? " she had said . " You wish you had my decapitated head under your arm , too . Then you 'd be free to do what you want . " The spell had always worked before . Whenever he would say he would sleep in his own room , she would cast the spell and they would be back in her bed that night , her head ironically tucked under his arm . But the night he returned from that date , he did the cruel thing . He went straight to his old room , evicted the broken electronics they had piled on the bed , and slept there , without a word . It just wasn 't fair . So , now he was coming home with that girl , whispering by the door . They didn 't even stop to explain , but went straight upstairs , leaving the High Street Witch to her sitcoms and the cat . When the footfalls settled upstairs , the cat startled , clawed her legs , and darted to the kitchen , its tail high . As the laugh track on the sitcom guffawed , a lone tear , cast off its faltering orb , careened down the witch 's cheek . Posted on December 21 , 2016December 15 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The High Street Witch pets her cat The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway Chai Latte had no reason to ring the bell when he got home ; he had a key . But he might have forgotten his key , so the Lisping Barista thought it was Chai Latte , who rang the bell . His ringing the bell and her answering the door , definitely made it harder for her to hide behind the door and clobber him over the head with a baseball bat . The Geeky Guy expected that , when he rang the bell , there would be a fight before he could get in . He was ready for a fight , he had a gun ; but hearing the Lisping Barista saying come in sounded like a trick . Nonetheless , he turned the knob , pushed the door , and let it swing open . He switched the safety off on his gun , and took a step , not so far as to pass the door ; but just enough to block it . This is the way we step into the future . This is how we receive the knock at the door . With pistols drawn and bats raised , on the defense , expecting the worse . This is how the future enters , how change appears . Rabbi ! once said that , when God finally arrives to wipe away all your tears , you 'll shoot him in the chest . When the World to Come comes , you 'll clobber it with a bat . When God opens the prison door , you 'll assault Him before He takes two steps inside . You 'll bite the hand that removes your chains , kick the shins that brings you hope , squirm in the arms that carry you home . You 'll murder hope before it has a chance to speak . You 'll slay every dream you ever had . You 'll mistake perfection for deception , confuse what you 've always wanted for what you 've always got . Rabbi ! had planned that sermon and tried it out on us in the Epiphany Cafe , but no one believed him . The Lisping Barista had been there . She heard it , but said it was far fetched . She was certain to recognize peace , love , and understanding when it finally arrived for good . The World to Come had already come for her , if only for a few minutes at a time . When it comes to stay , she 'd welcome it with a scream of delight , just as she greets all the Spellbinding Fish Fry 's songs . The Geeky Guy had been there as well . He heard Rabbi ! 's sermon ; but didn 't believe it any more than anyone else . He had always seen things differently ; so , while everyone else mistook the World to Come for something else , he would see it for it was . He 'd recognize it from the schematics , he knew the command language . It 's easy to identify perfection , there would be no error messages . The Geeky Guy 's finger felt for the trigger . The Lisping Barista took another grip . We gave Rabbi ! so much trouble for his prophecy that he never delivered it to his congregation ; but he knew he was right . Little Theresa knew this , too , that we murder deliverance . She had a little statue in her room , a crucifixion , mounted in dung , depicting that very thing . But Little Theresa was not one to give sermons , at least not the kind with words . The Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat also knew this well , although he didn 't know that he knew it . He had killed off every promise that ever arrived . All those ghosts that spoke to him tried to bring him help , but he wouldn 't let them talk . He preferred his salvation packaged in a bottle , with a convenient twist - off top , and the promise of a nickel when returned . That moment , in which the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista were preparing to kill one another , was a moment marinating in irony . It wasn 't a long moment , although it seemed eternal . It was a tableau of the human condition , a representative scene in which a person , any person , every person , will exterminate the very thing they most need . It was also a moment long enough for the Geeky Guy to prepare a plan . The plan was for the Geeky Guy to place his hand on the door and swiftly swing it closed as he pivoted in that direction and pointed his pistol at Chai Latte 's chest . It would only take a second . In the next second he 'd pull the trigger . In two seconds it would all be over ; but first he 'd have to get through this eternal moment . The Lisping Barista had a plan , too , although it was the same plan she had from the beginning . She 'd clobber this man , who she believed was Chai Latte , over the head . Then , she 'd walk out the door , free , without worry that he would follow . She knew that she only had one swing , so she 'd better get it right . If she missed , then Chai would take the bat away and use it on her . In the next few moments she would either be free or dead , both outcomes equally desirable . The next move had to belong to the Geeky Guy . His plan , to place his hand on the door and swing it closed , was a simple operation ; but even simple operations can be screwed up . The Geeky Guy was not experienced in home invasion . If he had been , or if he had taken the time during the eternal moment to plan thoroughly , he would 've known to place his hand on the doorknob , out of view of the person behind the door . As it was , he inexpertly placed his hand over the edge of the door , revealing his plan to swing it closed half a second before he could execute it . This half a second was long enough for the Lisping Barista to spot the hand , predict what was about to happen , and recognize that the hand did not belong to Chai Latte . Chai Latte 's hand had a lot of rings . She knew these rings because , when he would strike her in the face , it was his rings that did the striking . His rings made quite an impression on her . This hand had no rings . It was the hand of the Geeky Guy . The Lisping Barista knew how to swing a bat . She had played softball . She knew that she had to start early , react quickly , and not think too much about what she was doing . The half second was long enough for her to start her swing ; but , after seeing the hand did not belong to Chai Latte , it was not long enough for her to stop it . The very next moment , as the echoes of the shot reverberated through the neighborhood , before the blood began to flow , before the pain set in , was spent with the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista looking at one another , taking in the moment with all its delicious irony . They needed some time to catch up to the rest of us , to know what we 've known all along . Perhaps they remembered Rabbi ! 's sermon and how he prophesied the event , how we try to kill whomever or whatever tries to save us . If the moment before had been a tableau , depicting human resistance to change , the next moment was a second scene that followed the first . The second one illustrated the uncertain moment when two lovers realize they 've wounded one another , as lovers are apt to do . They both gasped . Posted on December 14 , 2016December 10 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head I have to do this right away or I 'll change my mind . You know , Option # 7 ; the clobber Chai Latte with a baseball bat one . As soon as he leaves , I get the bat and wait by the door . While I 'm waiting , I got this song going through my head . It 's from the Spellbinding Fish Fry . They call it , One Heaven . It might be my favorite . It goes like this : Yeah , I know . You got to be there . The song goes on like that for a hundred verses with all kinds of categories . Every time I go to a concert , they got more . They don 't call them spellbinding for nothing . Anyway , it 's a feel good song . They 're all feel good songs . They promote peace , love , and understanding . The first time I went to hear the Fry I was meeting friends . I couldn 't find them , so I make my way to the stage , turn around , and work outwards , you know , so I can see faces . Everyone 's smiling and I start to get paranoid because I think they 're all laughing at me . I 'm about to lose my shit right there in the middle of the concert ; but , then I realize , hey , it 's feel good music . All these thousands of Deep Fries are just feeling good ; that 's why they 're smiling . They 're not laughing at me . I used to think I could be down with peace , love , and understanding . One heaven for everyone was good for me . Now I 'm not sure . What 'll I do when I get to Heaven and Chai Latte 's there ? I hate it when he comes home . I hear his key in the door and I wonder how he 'll be . No , I can 't see spending eternity with Chai . A couple weeks is bad enough . For that matter , what about Hitler , or Stalin , or Attila the Hun ? How 'd you like to be in heaven with them ? That would be totally whacked , sitting on a cloud with Osama Bin Laden and strumming harps with Vlad the Impaler . I know what you 're saying , they got Hell for that kind . They don 't let them into Heaven . St Peter turns them away at the door . It makes me feel real good thinking of Chai at the end of a pitchfork , getting roasted with his feet in a block of ice . I like that . But then I think , if I like torturing him so much , doesn 't that make me as bad as him ? What 's worse , beating up your girlfriend a couple times when you 're drunk , or clobbering a guy with a baseball bat and wanting to fry him in Hell forever when you 're stone cold sober ? No , I 'll have to get my shit together before I show up in Heaven . They won 't let a bitter , vindictive type up there . Otherwise , I 'd be like the one guy at a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert not smiling , arms crossed , scoffing at how naive everyone is , not even taping my foot , much less dancing in the dusty infield . OK , so , maybe I don 't have to send Chai to Hell . God 'll do it for me . Or St Peter , or some other bouncer dude they got up there . But that doesn 't work either . Then you got God not smiling when He 's supposed to be the host . You got St Peter checking off from a list of wrongs , scoffing at people , because they 've got the balls to line up for Heaven . You got a bouncer dude standing around with his arms crossed , saying with his eyes , just give me an excuse to kick your ass . That doesn 't sound like Heaven to me . Heaven , to me , is like a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert . Everyone 's happy and loving everyone except , maybe for a few walking around , thinking everyone is dissing them . Hilter , Stalin , Attila , Osama , Vlad , Chai , that whole evil crew , getting uptight and paranoid because they can 't imagine a place where everyone 's happy . I 'm about ready to forgive Chai Latte and plan on smiling at him when we I see him in Heaven ; but then I hear the door . I 'm standing behind it with a baseball bat . If I don 't clobber him , I 'm fucked . Posted on November 30 , 2016November 20 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags Battered women , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head The Geeky Guy Goes Out in the Rain to Get the Meaning of Life The next day it started raining , tentatively at first , like a long - silenced wife who , for the first time , is asked what she thinks . Soon the sky was packed tight with clouds and the drops got bigger and bigger , until the rain filled the world with a heavy beat , suggestive of a long - suffering wife smashing the dishes . It was like a disease of rain , dull in its unvarying monotony , smothering as a fever , cruel as suffocating phlegm . It fell over all of Kenilworth ; over the Head Surveyor , whose transit fogged ; over the Town Cop , whose brim ran rivets ; over the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat , who huddled under his dumpster ; and over the Crazy Dog Lady 's dogs , who saved their shaking till they got inside . It inspired Rabbi ! to write a sermon about Noah . It pockmarked the Connecticut River and gave it strength . It flooded Abraham Pierson 's grave and dampened Chai Latte 's drugs , but it did not extinguish the Geeky Guy 's desire . The Geeky Guy still grieved over the one he regarded as his wife , the Lisping Barista . No little bit of rain , or ocean full of rain , would dissuade him from what he thought was right . He would go to her , claim her as his own , and set her free . He had a gun and could make it happen . Perhaps we should pause for a minute , if only because he failed to , and examine why he felt this way . We should ask the question of him that the Therapist Emeritus would have asked had she still been there . We should seize hold of the Geeky Guy , hang tight to his sleeve , and demand one thing of him before he goes . We won 't ask him this , though . You won 't because you are just a reader and cannot leap into the pages of a book and affect its outcome . I won 't do it because it 's raining outside , the Geeky Guy has already left , and I don 't want to get wet . It wouldn 't do any good , because the Geeky Guy wouldn 't know how to answer and , if he did , he wouldn 't know how to say it right . You see , it was not the Lisping Barista that he was trying to save ; it was the meaning of his life . It was not a relationship he needed to preserve because , in truth , he had no relationship except that of employer to employee . The Geeky Guy thought his life had no meaning other than the Lisping Barista . It had no meaning before she arrived , and it would have no meaning if she left . Having meaning in his life never seemed an important thing before she had said yes . He used to go to work every day and tinker with his engineering projects without one . He 'd come home and tinker with his electrical projects without one . Days , years , and projects came and went without the Geeky Guy ever thinking about their purpose . But when the Lisping Barista did come into his life , bearing its meaning , he began to believe it was an essential thing . A meaning , you see , is very powerful ; more potent than a gun . A gun can only kill you , but a meaning can affect your whole existence . Without meaning , he came to believe , there was no reason to have been born . The Geeky Guy should have been more careful about where he had found the meaning of his life and what he did with it . He shouldn 't have found it in the Lisping Barista , who was a fickle thing . He should have found it in his engineering , which was built to last ; his electronics , which kept a charge ; or even his sister , who rarely left the house . He could have taken up charity work , written the Great American Novel , or found a cure for cancer . Any meaning of life would have been better than adopting the Lisping Barista as the meaning of his . It was bound to end badly . He should not have acted as though the meaning of life was so precious that it needed to be hoarded whenever found . He could always find another . In fact , meanings of life are quite plentiful , like stones on a Connecticut hillside . You can 't walk a hundred paces in any direction without stubbing your toe on a dozen of them . To put it another way , each meaning of life is like a lungful of air ; no sooner are you done with one when another comes along to replace it . The Geeky Guy was acting as if he had come upon a fine lungful of air and had to keep it because he might not get another . He also made the mistake of thinking that the meaning of his life was like a riddle that had a single answer . The meaning of life is not like a problem in mathematics , which either adds up or doesn 't . It 's more like a design problem ; there 's a million ways it can be solved . There is no right answer and there was no one but him who could give him a grade . At least the Geeky Guy did not make the usual error people make regarding the meaning of life . At least he didn 't fret over whether the meaning of his life was worthy of his life . Perhaps he felt his life was not that valuable and that any meaning would be good enough and better than none at all . At any rate , she was a sufficient meaning and he was determined to keep it . Having a meaning of life meant something . It meant he had something greater than life , something he could exchange for life . It meant he could die , for if his life had meaning , so would his death . It also meant he could kill . |
After a few days off from writing a short story every day for a month , I 've had a bit of time to reflect on the process . I wanted to do this project because I 've done NaNoWriMo for the past two years , and then accomplished no writing for the rest of the year . I also wanted to do this because the pressure - cooker timing of NaNoWriMo forced me to be creative in ways that I don 't think I am with more time , because I tend to over - analyze myself into silence . And sure enough , with the time limits I gave myself , I was able to produce science fiction for the first time ever , and even dip my toe into fantasy . I should explain . When I was little , really little , from four years old to fourth grade , I told everyone who would listen that I wanted to be a writer . I wrote endlessly . My parents got me an electric typewriter and I would sit in my room and type up my stories and dream of being a writer . Then , in 4th grade , I got an assignment to write about Valentine 's Day . I wrote an epic story , about a woman named Valentine , who was blind , and got into a horrible car accident and had a miscarriage . I think we had just been studying Helen Keller , and my mom watched a lot of All My Children . Anyway , my 4th grade teacher was horrified and asked to meet with my mom and me . And in that meeting she told me something that basically crushed me in every possible way . She said , " This isn 't appropriate . You should write what you know . " Two years ago , I decided to do NaNoWriMo . It sounded so intriguing . I 'm good with deadlines ; I thrive on them . And I was unemployed , so I needed a project . And then one of my literary heroes , Robin McKinley , sent me a tweet that probably meant more to me than I can explain . She was writing about bad advice that writers get , and mentioned the " write what you know " axiom . I replied to her with my story , and she immediately replied back saying that was horrible advice and she was sad that I had given up . She then said to " Write what you know into what you don 't . " So I decided to try . I honestly don 't know what will come of this . Maybe nothing . The fact that I 've accomplished two NaNoWriMos and this project feels great , but I feel like I have a lot of non - writing years to catch up on . The motorcycle raced along the narrow dirt road . The rider , clad all in white , looked like a ghost against the solid wall of birch trees that lined either side . The rider was as pale as her garb , her milky eyes appearing sightless even though they tracked the smallest detail along the road . Curled up in the crate attached to the back of the bike was a miserable little boy . He was swaddled in a thick woolen blanket and only the top of his head poked out ; his ears were pink and chilled by the ride . His hands and feet had been bound and all he wanted to do was scratch the itch that had been on his left nostril for the last ten miles or so . Just three days before , Erasmus had been an average five year old in the Ladd - Franklin Valley ; although in Ladd - Franklin , what was considered average was very far from the definition held in the rest of the Republic . Erasmus and his family had been placed in Ladd - Franklin after Erasmus had been identified as a potential Logician . The test that all the three year olds in the Republic took was meant to identify children for the specialized training program before uncorrectable habits and lazy thought patterns formed . Erasmus ' parents had been shocked by his identification ; while he was clearly an intelligent little boy , they had not seen the making of a true Logician in him . Erasmus ' mother Gwyn thought her child was too empathetic to be able to be a Logician . His father Belenus had assumed that his own status as a transporter would preclude his children from success . " I don 't know why you were chosen , " she said , a few weeks after the family had relocated . " You 're too irrational . They 'll fail you out . " Privately , Erasmus had feared that he would be found lacking . When he had taken the logic test , the other students had faced it calmly and methodically . He , on the other hand , had barely been able to stay seated , shaking his hands and nodding his head to the side in a strange repetitive tic . He had been so nervous that he had skipped around the test , answering things completely out of order , and when the oral component came , he had blurted the first word he could think of to answer the panel 's question , which happened to be " Verdant . " The panel had seemed inexplicably impressed and had let him go immediately without further questioning . He could not even remember what he had been asked . The identification test was administered once a year and a test might yield one candidate ; or none at all . So Erasmus ' candidacy was even more of a shock because he was one of two selected to go to Ladd - Franklin that year . The other was a Marigold , a shy plump little girl with dark black skin and a soft - spoken voice who had seemed quite overwhelmed by the whole process . Marigold and Erasmus made an unlikely pair . During their first day in the Ladd - Franklin training center , Marigold had locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out until her father arrived . Erasmus had faired a bit better , although he resented being stared at by the fourteen other candidates , who ranged in age from five to seventeen . They were a motley bunch , although they clearly belonged at the center . The candidates and instructors alike all spoke in a strange , crisp dialect that was free of inflection . They seemed to have no personal attachment to what they said , instead delivering information both positive and negative with the same impassive tone . And after Erasmus had spent more time at the center , he came to realize that nothing personal was encouraged . The oldest three candidates ; Jonah , Osprey , and Catriona had all emancipated themselves from their families by the age of twelve . Their families had been sent back to live outside of the Valley , and the three candidates lived their lives unencumbered by emotion . Erasmus thought of his kind mother and gentle father and wondered if he could ever separate himself from them so completely . The stranger had plucked him from his bed the night before . He had woken in the middle of the night to find a luminescent white hand covering his mouth and two cloudy eyes staring into his own . He had tried to scream but had quickly been muffled by the strange woman , who had already managed to bind his arms and legs in his sleep . He looked across the room , but he could not tell if Claudette was sleeping or if the stranger had done something to her . The stranger , catching his glance , leaned in and whispered , " Your sister sleeps . But if you don 't come with me I shall make the sleep permanent . " Erasmus raced through the possible scenarios for escape before arriving at the conclusion that with his feet already tied and his sister in danger , he had no choice but to go without a fight . He tried to focus on his teachings ; to rely on the fact that once he had weighed his options and found nothing could be done , that he was free to think of other things until the scenario changed and presented him with new options . He tried to quell his fear knowing that now , in a way , he had elected to go with the strange woman . She bundled him up in his blanket and despite her small stature carried him effortlessly out to the balcony . Here , he thought she might be presented with a challenge , but she hooked a carabiner to the railing and fell backwards , clutching him in her arms . She nearly slammed him into the wall , but managed to repel in time . Erasmus noted with surprise that there were so few security measures in place for protection in Ladd - Franklin . The woman popped him in the crate , leapt on to her bike , and was gone within minutes , and no alarm was raised . He had thought that there facility was one of the most important in the Republic ; surely they would have some kind of failsafe in place . They neared the edge of town , and the woman drove towards the high wall that surrounded the valley . Immediately he knew that this had been planned for some time . There was a clear blind spot in the cameras in the area that she was approaching . And once they reached the wall , she shot her carabiner up into the massive oak tree on the other side , locked her legs around the base of the bike , and suddenly they were soaring up into the air and over the wall . If his hands hadn 't been bound , Erasmus would have gripped onto something at the stomach - lurching weightless feeling ; as it was , he gripped his hands together and wished fervently that someone might send help . But help had not come . He had been two days on the back of the bike , and his legs and arms had fallen asleep within the first few hours . The woman showed no signs of fatigue , not stopping once for rest or to relieve herself . Erasmus wondered if she might be human after all . He had heard rumors before he was located to Ladd - Franklin of things that lived beyond the Republic , but he had always written them off as fairy tales . He must have drifted off for a little while , because when he awoke , the scenery had changed . Up ahead of them was a white domed building that appeared to glow from within . They were on something that could barely be called a road at that point , it was more like a trail , and the woman kept revving her bike to get up and around hills . Up ahead , for the first time since he had been taken , Erasmus saw another person . As they drew nearer , he realized that it was in fact two people . A man , the mirror image of Erasmus ' kidnapper , was holding an apple to his lips and seemingly drinking from it ; it went from a shiny red to a desiccated pale shell before his eyes . And with him , wide - eyed , gagged and handcuffed , was Marigold . Erasmus felt momentarily relieved that he had not been gagged , and then ashamed that he had not put up more of a fight . Marigold saw him as their bike pulled up next to hers and she panicked , throwing herself over the side of the bike and falling flat on her face . Erasmus heard a crunch and winced . The man pulled Marigold up and her nose streamed with blood , it was clearly broken . She choked back a sob and turned away from them , trying to put her hands to her face . Erasmus wondered where they were . By his estimation , they had been travelling north and west at eighty miles an hour for nearly three days . They had to be beyond the borders of the Republic . He looked at Marigold and signed for her to be silent . He assessed their options . If one of them could get free , they could release the other , and they could try to escape . He was not sure what might be in the domed building , but he was certain that if they didn 't try something now , they wouldn 't get another chance for awhile . He had no survival instincts . His days were spent solving artificial puzzles concocted by his instructors and their peers . He was glad , for the moment , that he had other skills to fall back on . Marigold must have been thinking the same thing , because he suddenly saw a glint appear in her eye , the way it did when she grasped a perfect truth for the first time . I watched as Mindy squatted barefoot in the sand , occasionally tugging at her little green and yellow polka - dot bikini bottoms . I 'd fought her on those , but she 'd insisted everyone wore bikinis and that if she didn 't have one , " she would just die . " I was hearing that a lot these days . Apparently many things would kill my ten - year - old daughter ; like not having a Justin Beiber poster , or having the wrong pair of jeans on the first day of school . Mark was laying on his stomach , snoring lightly . His pale back reflected the sun and I leaned over and smacked a glob of SPF 50 on his back . The beach used to be a lot more fun for me , I thought . I remembered the days when I was the one in the bikini bottoms , and Mark and I would play volleyball . He would tackle me and carry me , screaming with laughter , into the ocean if I won . Mindy was burying her friend Adrienne in the sand . Adrienne was now a staple on vacations , because , and I 'm sure there 's no surprise here , Mindy would " just die " if Adrienne couldn 't come with us . I often wondered if Mark and I should have tried harder to have a second child , but we had used up our savings on three rounds of IVF . So instead , we had Adrienne , our little surrogate daughter . She was a quiet child , a born follower . Her mother , if I 'm being honest , was a bit wild . She 'd had Adrienne young , and wasn 't even 30 . She would show up at school for bake sales and the PTA in her tight jeans and skimpy shirts and Adrienne would blush and stammer , trying to hide her . I 'd think ; I wouldn 't mind adopting Adrienne . She even looked like me , red hair , freckles , a long nose . Mindy was fair and pale blonde , she looked like Mark , but I could barely see myself in her . It was no surprise to me that Adrienne was the one being buried in the sand . She followed Mindy everywhere she went . I worried that someday soon , my little daughter would turn on her for not being outgoing enough , or well - dressed enough , or fun enough . I could already see it happening . Adrienne was an introverted child ; she liked to write and draw , and would sit down and have conversations with me like an adult . Mindy kept telling her that the things she was doing were " lame . " How a ten - year - old could already know what was lame was beyond me . That night , we walked along the boardwalk . Mark had bought ice cream for the girls . As usual , Mindy had ice cream running down her arm , and had to lick the mint chocolate chip from her elbow . I carried a wad of napkins with me , and occasionally handed one to her . Adrienne was taking neat little licks , making sure that it didn 't melt too much . As we walked along , Mindy spied an arcade and nearly dropped her cone in excitement . " Sure " I said . I checked my purse but I had no change . " Let me just get a few quarters . " Mindy squealed and ran off , hauling Mark behind her and leaving Adrienne and I standing alone . I saw a change machine across the boardwalk , and began to head towards it . A moment later , I felt a warm , slightly sticky hand reach out and grab mine . I looked down and saw that Adrienne had put her hand in mine to cross the street , and my heart melted a little . " Of course you will , " I said , gripping her hand in mine more tightly . " You 'll be great . You 're so smart , you 're going to do really well . " She frowned , staring at her ice cream . " Do you think Mindy and I will stay friends ? " she asked . I looked down at her and saw that she had tears in her eyes . " Mindy has a lot of other friends , and I don 't have any , " she continued , a sob rising in her throat . Suddenly I was on my knees in front of her , wrapping another woman 's child in my arms and holding her as tightly as I possibly could . Across the boardwalk , I could see Mindy pause and look at us . She cocked her head to one side and appeared confused . I wondered how old she would be when she would realize just how important having a friend like Adrienne was . A teenager ? An adult ? In my experience , people lose a lot of friendships to carelessness before they wise up . Emera leaned over the well and hauled up the bucket of water , hand over hand . Her belly pressed against the cool stone and she tugged her shirt down , resting the bucket on the edge of the well . Her nail snagged on the thin fabric , leaving a small hole . " Shit , " she swore , examining her shirt . It was almost threadbare anyway , but it would be awhile before she was likely to get a new one . Runs to the East only happened in the spring , and she had at least five long months to go until then . She 'd have to try to trade for a sweatshirt in the meantime . Houser was a good mark , easily swayed by her figure , she 'd try him first . She lifted the bucket of water into the Radio Flyer wagon along with the two others , hefted a fourth onto her shoulder , and headed back down the poorly lit passage towards the Hive . They were still working to smooth out the uneven floor , and Emera had to navigate carefully to avoid spilling the water . The pits and dips were hard to see in the dull light . The gas lamps were dimmer than the electric bulbs that they had wanted to install , but they couldn 't risk having a generator near the Hive until they figured out how to mask its heat . That was not her project though . Emera had managed to get the phosphorescent paint for the walkway though , so at least there was always light along the ground . She had also painted a few of the lower hanging stalactites so that people weren 't constantly bumping their heads , although Houser complained that he still did . Privately , Emera thought it was probably because he wasn 't smart enough to look where he was going . He was at least an inch shorter than her . Emera was exactly 6 ' 0 tall with a giant mane of wiry golden brown hair that made her appear even taller . She was an imposing woman , although she tried not to use her size for intimidation unless it was necessary . Unfortunately , she had found it necessary all too often in the past few years . She had two stilettos , one hidden in each of her boots , and carried a KA - BAR combat knife in a sheath attached to her belt . Emera was the informal second in command at the Hive . The community had tried to keep a pure democracy at first ; but it had become too difficult to maintain through the first hard months , as everyone pursued their own interests and the group began to crumble . A few bad fights had broken out , and then Skinly , a hot - headed twenty something ex - blogger had threatened to go back East , they realized something needed to be done quickly . They chose to elect a leader . Eventually , it became clear that everyone most valued the opinion of Donelle Keynes , a 50 year old one - eyed ex - marine with a wicked sense of humor who 'd also managed to raise five children as a single mother . Once that was clear , the community made Donelle 's role formal , dubbing her the CEO , as a bit of a joke . Donelle relied heavily on Emera to work on immediate operations while Donelle worked on sustainability . Donelle had suggested planting crops in the woods behind the Hive , and Emera had figured out how to grow them in a complex series of numbered plots , so they appeared to be nothing more than particularly dense patches of wild plants to the naked eye . The well had also been her idea . Having to trek to the river each day had been dangerous and Donelle wanted to find another way to up their water supply . After mapping the path of the river , Emera guessed that they might be able to dig a well just inside the entrance to the Hive . As usual , she had been right . She and the others each had a water shift where they would grab buckets for communal drinking ; three times in the morning , twice near noon , and three times again at night . It was still less water than Donelle thought they should get , but it was enough to keep everyone hydrated . Emera rounded the corner into the central cavern of the Hive , where three of the little ones were playing double dutch with some of her climbing rope . She almost admonished them , but held herself back ; they had so little to entertain them . Revolution was always hardest on the children . She began to set out the buckets of water in the middle of the space , when the unmistakable drone of a heat seeker suddenly came into hearing . One of the little girls screamed and dropped her end of the rope , running to cower in the corner . The other girl ran straight to Emera and gripped onto her leg . The third was left tangled up in the rope and she fell flat on her stomach pressing herself to the ground . Emera stood stock still . So far , they had heard a number of the heat seekers pass by their cave , but the distance that they were underground had shielded them . Emera 's only worry was that someone might have been in the Vitamin D room , the only place in the caverns where the sun reached . The little girl who had fallen to the ground slowly crawled over to Emera and reached out to clutch her friend 's hand . The third child whimpered in the corner , hugging herself . They are too young to know this kind of fear , Emera thought . We 've done this to them . Five minutes later , the sound passed . Emera could feel the breath escape the lips of the girls who were huddled close to her and she gave them a reassuring smile . A few moments later , Donelle came running into the main cavern , followed by Houser , Skinly , Margeurite and Zander . Donelle let out a sigh of relief and sat hard on one of the stumps they had set up in the middle of the room . She dipped a cup into one of the water buckets and brought it to her lips , spilling a little bit down the corner of the mouth . Skinly sat down cross - legged next to her and helped herself as well . Houser , the father of the child who had run to the corner , walked over to check on his daughter , who threw herself into his arms . " I 'm too old for this crap , " Donelle said . Houser chuckled and Emera fixed him with a hard glance . One of the girls clambered into Donelle 's lap and reached for the water cup . While Donelle was thus occupied , Emera pulled Zander and Marguerite aside . Marguerite shook her head . " I ran a check as soon as it started , " she said . Zander nodded in agreement . " Everyone 's accounted for . " Emera felt an uncomfortable weight settle in her stomach . " We haven 't done outreach since our last Run . I doubt anyone could have found us without a guide . " She paused , reflecting . " It wouldn 't be so bad though , to get some fresh blood down here . Our skills are probably getting rusty . " Marguerite and Zander exchanged glances . Zander jumped in . " If we want any shot of taking down the government 's communications this time , I think we have to . " He continued , " We haven 't done an attack in almost a year . We have no idea how they 're reacting out there . They may have built up all kinds of defensive systems since we were last out . We could use more skill . " Emera nodded . " I 'll talk to Donelle . " She looked down at herself ruefully . " Besides , I 'm in the market for a new shirt . " " Do you see him yet , " Tuttle asked in a whisper , pressing his face up against the darkened window . He pulled his zipper all the way up to his chin . Lee shook her head and grabbed the edges of the sleeping bag , wrapping it more closely around them both . " He should have been back by now , " Tuttle continued , gratefully pulling the bag tight around his small shoulders . Even in the limited light of the moon , Lee could tell that his lips were blue . Lee thought about their father , working his way through the undergrowth to the nearest town . For a moment , she held his image in her mind , making it feel warm and safe . " You think he 's ok ? " Tuttle asked . He snuggled in to Lee , his ear cold against her shoulder , and she wrapped her arms around him . Lee thought for a moment , then came up with an image of their father returning , walking tall and loaded down with food . She could feel Tuttle 's presence at the corner of her mind , and pushed out this picture . " I hope he finds peanut butter , " Tuttle said , slightly calmer . Lee added a big jar of Jiffy to her image of their father and Tuttle sighed in contentment . He was quiet for a moment , and Lee realized that he had drifted off to sleep . She lay him down on the floor , tucked into the sleeping bag , and went back to stand by the window . To her count , they had been in the cabin for three weeks . This was the first time their father had ventured out since they had arrived . Lee wasn 't sure how her father knew where to go , but she didn 't ask questions . She 'd known something was coming for months . Lee and her father had kept Lee 's abilities quiet for a number of years , keeping her in Special Education classes and using sign language . But once Tuttle had started school , it had become more difficult . No matter how often they reminded him , Tuttle would respond to Lee 's thoughts in front of other people . At first , it seemed as though they could pass because Tuttle was young , and it seemed as though he was imagining a relationship with his deaf , mute , sister . But after a time , the rumors had begun to spread , and Lee noticed that her classmates , who had often ignored her , were now watching her more closely . Watching and waiting to see if she might respond to a direction from their teacher even if she had her back turned to the class and Lee couldn 't read her lips . Lee caught on quickly and tried to play dumb , sheltering her thoughts and shielding herself from others , but it was too late . She noticed the specialists waiting outside of her classroom early on a November morning . They wore navy blue suits , sunglasses , and had on running shoes . Lee noticed a bulge at each of their hips , indicating some kind of weapon , most likely a taser . It did not bode well . She 'd seen them once before , three years ago when they 'd come to interview a fifth year , but she had heard stories about them her whole life ; mostly from her father , who would keep her and Tuttle up late at night with the tales of how the specialists haunted the internet , waiting to pick up on the slightest hint of abnormality . Their father was off the grid . Their mother had been as well , before she was taken . Lee 's father had always warned them that they were already on the watch list because of their mother , but he had managed to hide them for a time , moving them to the most rural area he could find . One of the few places in the country left that did not broadcast wireless through the city . But now the specialists had found her . When she first saw the specialists outside the room , she turned to Lorraine , and began to sign at her frantically . Lorraine , who was unused to Lee trying to communicate , told the class to work on an equation individually and came over to talk to her . As she came near , Lee felt the first push on her mind from a foreign source . She tried to keep calm , and debated whether a normal person might just let it happen without realizing it , or collapse in agony . She chose to collapse , and when Lorraine reached her , Lee launched herself out of her desk and began to howl silently , projecting , what she hoped , were normal thoughts of fear and horror . What she hadn 't counted on was Tuttle . " Lee , Lee what 's wrong ! What are they doing to you ! " He threw himself across her and glared up at her classmates angrily . " Get back from her , now ! " he yelled . Lee could feel his thin body shaking despite his bravado , but she didn 't want to take the risk of trying to calm him with someone still inside her mind . Lorraine had looked from brother to sister , and then pulled out her cell phone and called their father immediately . She went into the back of the room and had a whispered conversation , occasionally glancing at the door to see if the specialists were looking in . Lee saw that they weren 't , but feared that meant that they didn 't need to , and that they somehow knew what was going on anyway . In all likelihood , there was a camera somewhere in the room . Lee hoped it was trained on the students , and not on her teacher . When Lorraine got off the phone she got up and walked over to Lee and very carefully positioned herself with her back to her desk . So the camera 's over there , Lee thought . Lorraine started signing to her . " I know , " Lee signed back to Lorraine . " I 'll be careful . " Tuttle looked back and forth between them , fat tears forming in his eyes . " Not at all , sweetie , " she said . " Everything 's fine , let me walk you back downstairs . " She stood up and placed her hand on the Tuttle 's shoulder , then turned to the rest of the class who had been watching the whole exchange . They had expected that Lee would come to them ; she saw right away that she had made a tactical error . Without speaking the two of them flanked her ; the woman on her right and the man on her left and began to walk her down the hallway . Lee turned and saw Tuttle also trying to turn around and Lorraine distracting him . Lee could make a fuss and try to appear normal , or she could come to the terms with the fact that it was probably already too late . Now that she was closer to them , Lee knew that it was the woman who had tried to enter her mind , and that she was far more experienced a reader than Lee . As she thought this , the female specialist looked down at her and gave her a slight smile , and Lee knew that she was lost . Suddenly , she felt her father 's presence in the building . She shoved it out of her mind immediately . The female specialist kept stride , appearing not to notice , but now Lee was truly worried . She considered sending her father a message , but feared that might be rash . He was forever telling her to think defensively , and to not make mistakes out of fear . Two second later as they entered the stairway , three shots rang out . The male specialist fell immediately ; a wound to his temple erupting in scarlet blood . The female specialist grabbed Lee by the elbow and pulled her close , bringing out a weapon of her own . She projected silence on Lee , who accepted it immediately ; the specialist could have blocked any projection Lee wanted to make anyway . Lee felt the specialist send the threat to her father , and heard down the stairwell the corresponding clunk of a gun being dropped . She could hear screaming coming from the classrooms , and weaved her mind through to touch on Tuttle . He was terrified , gripping onto Lorraine 's wrist and trying to pull her back towards his sister . Lee quieted him , telling him that she loved him and that it would be alright . The specialist , who had been distracted , suddenly blocked off the projection and slapped Lee hard across the face . As hard as she could , Lee thought about turning and fleeing down the stairs , and instinctively the specialist moved to block her , stepping too close to the edge of the railing . Realizing her mistake , the specialist tried to move forward , but Lee had already shoved her with all of her strength , sending her over the railing . A second later , she heard a loud thud , followed by a shot . Immediately , she reached to Tuttle calling him to her , and when he appeared at the top of the stairwell , eyes wide at the site of the body of the male specialist , she grabbed his hand and ran down the stairs to meet their father . Their father raced them out to the van , which he had kept stocked with food and other provisions for years , and veered off immediately . Not ten minutes later , he had pulled them out of the van , and sent it right into the river , food and all . They took off on foot and were within the woods in minutes . " We need to get you out of range , " he said to Lee , who nodded seriously . Tuttle gripped her hand and kept up as best he could , until finally their father hoisted him up onto his back . And they continued that way for a few more hours , until they got to another well stocked car that their father had hidden in the woods . " And rightly so , " he responded . He handed them each a pair of gloves , and fitted hair nets onto each of their heads before touching the car and starting up the engine . They drove through the night , and into the next day , with Tuttle up front in the passenger seat and Lee in the back , covered by a blanket . They ditched that car halfway through the day , and made their way back into the woods , towards the mountains this time . This time , before they set out , her father pulled three pairs of shoes out of his backpack . The first two were for Lee and Tuttle , and were adult - sized boots , stuffed with socks to make them fit . They were clumsy to walk in at first , but after a time , they caught on . Their father 's boots were his size , but on the bottom , he had added a slight platform to stack on a shoe tread that was a full size smaller than his own . When he stepped in front of them in the woods , he left normal prints behind him . Seeing all the planning that her father had put into their escape made Lee realize exactly how long he must have been planning it . " This should hold us until we need to move again , " he said , setting up a lamp and throwing wood onto the old iron stove in the corner of the room . " We 'll stay for a few weeks and then I 'll check to see if things have died down . " He pulled out a camp stove , and set to cooking hot dogs and beans . Lee wondered what kind of network he would be able to tap in to . She doubted that the dead specialists would be reported in the news . The government usually liked to keep these things quiet . She ran her hand over the table , and came up with a layer of thick dust on her fingertips . " Gross , " Tuttle said . He plopped down on the mattress in the middle of the room , and pulled out his PSP . Their father had hacked the GPS tracker out of it when they 'd first taken off , and stuck it to the bottom of another car . They lived in relative comfort for the next few weeks , eating the supplies , and playing the old - fashioned board games that their father had ferreted away . Finally , he decided it was time to check for updates . He kissed Tuttle on the head , gave him a squeeze and then invited Lee to read him . She saw that he planned to be gone for three days , and that he was going to an isolated town to the north , where they had not yet been . " They 're not exactly government friendly up that way , " he signed . He pulled Lee to him and held her tight . His thoughts came through as clearly into her mind as if he were speaking them . " I will not let them harm you . " An image of their mother flashed through his mind and he pulled away , slung his backpack over his shoulder and took off . And so Tuttle slept , while Lee tried to stay awake near the window , waiting for their father 's return on the third night after her had left . She had nearly nodded off , when finally she felt his presence come into focus . She was about to project a greeting when his message came through as though he were screaming it . Danielle had first noticed the girl three weeks before . She and Gray had been walking back to their table with full lunch trays . Gray had made her laugh and Danielle had walked right into the girl , dropping her tray and spilling food all over her . For a moment , it was as though the room froze , and everyone turned to stare at them . Danielle 's spaghetti clung to the girl 's sweater , and sauce dripped onto her shoes , sending little red rivulets over the brown suede . The girl stared down at herself , clutching her little carton of milk in both hands , and then looked up at Danielle . Her eyes were gray and rimmed with tears . Danielle opened her mouth to apologize . " Watch where you 're going , freak , " Gray said , pushing past the girl . He put his arm around Danielle and walked her back to their table , giving her his lunch , before going to grab another one for himself . Danielle watched as the girl , who had been frozen in the middle of the room , ran out of the doors . Danielle caught a glance exchanged between two of the lunch aides . One of them took off after the girl . The girl finally appeared a week later , sitting at her usual table . Danielle noticed her as soon as she entered the cafeteria . She wore an oversized sweatshirt and khaki pants , and her hair was greasy . In front of her was the Tupperware lunch that Danielle would come to recognize . Danielle had never really bothered to notice anyone outside of her circle of friends before . It wasn 't that she was intentionally exclusive ; it was just that she had her friends and her boyfriend , and that was enough for her . But this girl bothered her . This girl weighed on her conscience . She tried mentioning it to Gray later that week as he drove her home from school . " Oh , you mean the spaz that bumped into you ? She 's just some sophomore . I don 't know her real name . " He shrugged . " Why ? " Danielle tried not to think about the girl , who she 'd come to think of as Corner Table , but once she noticed her she began to see her everywhere . Corner Table was in her bio lab , and in her gym class . Corner Table passed Danielle in the hallway at exactly 12 : 23 every day on her way to Calculus . She even thought she started seeing her outside of school , first at Gino 's Pizza , where she 'd waited nervously to pick up a pizza , chewing on her nails ; then crossing the street near Danielle 's house while Danielle was out for a run . It was like the girl had sprung into existence simply to taunt Danielle . On the Wednesday of the third week after Danielle had first noticed Corner Table , she decided that she wanted to apologize for bumping into her . It had been weighing on her mind , and she was sorry for Gray 's behavior too . Danielle was fidgety in class all day , chewing on her pencils and doodling all over her work . When the bell rang for lunch , she bolted out of her seat towards the cafeteria and headed straight for the ficus plant , but Corner Table wasn 't there . She waited , as her friends trickled into the room , and finally gave up after it was clear the girl wasn 't going to show up . She got in the lunch line behind her friends who were whispering to each other . " I mean , can you imagine ? " Sarah continued , " She OD 'd on painkillers . I guess her mom walked in and found her , there was a real scene . " " Why isn 't anyone saying anything to us ? Shouldn 't there be an announcement or something ? " Danielle demanded . Hot bile rose in her throat . Her face flushed ; her sweater suddenly felt prickly and hot . Cora and Sarah looked at her passively and it seemed like she was seeing her friends for the first time . " What the hell is WRONG with you Danielle ? " Sarah yelled in her face , flecks of spittle hitting Danielle on the cheek . " You can 't just hit people . " The rain beat heavily against the windshield . Donna leaned forward , squinting through the distorted glass . She was concentrating to hard that her head ached , a tight pain right in between her eyes . She could barely make out anything outside , just blurry pinpricks of light far ahead of her . The sky was a dark green , and she could feel the wind making the car sway as she raced down the interstate . Tramp , her big black lab , lay on a blanket across the backseat , panting . Her leash and the remains of a bag of dog food were on the passenger seat , along with the box of protein bars . She 'd been stocking up for awhile , keeping cans and boxes from the last rounds of prepared food around her bunk . A crate of water bottles were still in the back of her car , and she 'd also managed to buy a two pack of the giant bottles of One - A - Day Vitamins off a woman selling them out of the back of her truck . Donna hoped they were legit . Her rifle lay across her lap , and she had two more guns and six boxes of ammo in the trunk . She was surprised by how clear the roads were . When the emergency alarm had sounded in the early morning , she 'd already been awake . At the first blare of the horn , she 'd grabbed Tramp and been off . She 'd been on the highway heading north - west within two minutes . She assumed a pack of traffic was building behind her , and that , as more time passed , the roads would begin to clog up . She figured that if she could get a good 30 miles west before having to figure out the back roads , she would be in good shape . Not everyone had a car these days . She 'd shot two jackers who 'd tried to take off with hers . One had been a young girl , barely over fourteen . She 'd looked soft , laying on the ground after Donna had shot her . She hated to shoot a sister , but it was survival of the fittest . She 'd been invited to stay in the Clutch , but she thought she 'd be more likely to make it on her own . Her only regret was leaving her sister behind , but Karen was a zealous revolutionary . She and the other women of the Clutch had decided to stand their ground and face down the invading troops . After the Law had passed , the Clutch had stormed the capitol , laying waste to everything in their path and rounding up the men . They had cordoned off the city . The leaders of the movement , who had seen the Law coming for years , had been prepared . They had stored weapons , and food . They were prepared to take over the city . They burned the men alive one week later . The smell of burnt flesh hung in the air for days afterwards . As each man was brought to the bonfire , Karen read their list of crimes against women aloud . It wasn 't long after that that the Clutch had rounded up the rest of the men of their relatively isolated city . Donna and some of the others fought it at first , but they couldn 't dissuade the Clutch from killing the rest of the men too . It was days before the Government could decide how to respond . After all , who wanted to go after a city completely occupied by women and children ? But then they began to receive daily announcements , jamming up the radio waves , and appearing in texts and emails . The men were coming . That was when Donna decided she had to go out on her own . Better take her own risks by crossing the border than burn everything to the ground . It wasn 't until Darla felt the soap stinging in the shower that she noticed the scratches on the backs of her hands and arms . Angry , red scratches that ran from her knuckles up to her elbows . She stared in horror at the deep tracks that lined her arms and tried to figure out what to do next . Darla stood , indecisive , under the steaming hot water . Her first aid kit was in the kitchen , and she was probably out of hydrogen peroxide . She was terrible at keeping track of things like that . " I should pay more attention , " she admonished herself . One of the scratches had opened up and begun to bleed , dripping bright red blood onto the white shower tile . Her stomach churned , and she threw back the shower curtain and turned off the water . She reached for her towel and wrapped it around her torso , wishing that she could cover her arms . She padded into the kitchen and searched her cabinets for bacitracin or hydrogen peroxide , to no avail . These were the times that she wished she could live with someone . Preferably a responsible roommate who would buy things like milk and stamps and medical supplies . She looked around the kitchen , and her eyes fell on a bottle of Jack Daniels . " Why not , " she said to herself . She grabbed the bottle and walked over the sink . Unscrewing the top , she held her arm over the sink and took a deep breath . She poured the brown liquid over her arm and for a second felt nothing . Then her arm lit up like it was on fire . She gasped , dropping the bottle in the sink . The contents spilled out before she could snatch it up again . " Shit , " she swore . She realized that her hands were shaking . She dropped the towel on the floor ran over to her bed , curled up in the middle and pulled the blankets all the way over her head . This was the thirty - second time that Darla had changed . Each time came without warning . The first time , she had been visiting her dad 's place in New Hampshire . Her dad was a retired forest ranger who still lived right on the edge of the State Park . He loved it there and had vowed that he would rather die than move . They had been close when she was a kid , but had grown apart , inevitably , during high school . The visit was one of the first that she had made post - college . Her dad had barbecued burgers for dinner , they had watched a few reruns of Seinfeld together , and she had gone to bed in her childhood room . Four hours later , she had woken up with a cramp in her side . At first she thought it might just be gas , but then a sharp pain shot through both of her legs . She called out for her father , and tried to stand . Her knees gave out and she crumpled to the floor . Every detail came into sharp relief , and she could feel individual splinters against her arm . The floor was cool , and for a moment , she lay there , hoping that the pain might dull . Then her head began to ache . At first it was a dull ache , like a migraine about to settle in , but quickly it grew more severe , as though someone was trying to pry her head open at the temples . She gasped and began to dry - heave , trying to pull herself up onto her knees . She tried to yell for her father again , but all that came out was a strangled cry . Ten seconds later , her whole body convulsed and she passed out . When she awoke , her vision had cleared and she could see every stitch in the coverlet on her bed . Then she realized that her glasses were not on . Then she realized that it was still dark . Her whole body felt as if it had fallen asleep ; pins and needles raced up and down her skin . She tried to move , and found that her feet and hands didn 't feel quite right . She turned her head , rotating it slowly and realized that nothing was preventing her from turning her head all the way around . She squawked and fell over , scrambling to right herself again . She threw out her arms and felt the strength of the wings before she realized what they were . She screamed again , and this time her father came running into the room and threw on the light . She was temporarily blinded , and she lurched forward , trying to escape . Her father swore , and scooped her up . It wasn 't until that moment , that she realized that she was impossibly small . She lashed out , catching him in the face with her foot by accident , and she saw that she had left a trail of beaded red across her nose . Her father raced downstairs and threw open the back door , carrying her out into the night . " It 's going to be okay , Darla , " he said . He held one arm out in front of her and she stepped up onto it , panic racing through her body . " I 'm so sorry , " he whispered . Then he brought his arm down quickly and launched her up into the air . Caught by surprise , she threw out her wings and caught flight . It was all too much for her ; she swooped low , heading back for the house and crash landed on the porch . She hopped over to a planter and burrowed behind it . She heard her father sit down quietly in front of it , guarding her , and they stayed that way until sun began to rise , when suddenly she was overcome with pain again , and began to grow . Her father ran and grabbed a blanket , wrapped her up , then carried her into the house and laid her down gently on the couch . She was still too in shock to speak , so he waited . Finally , she was able to speak . " Dad , what the fuck ? " Darla screamed . She pulled the blanket around her more closely . " I need clothes , " she demanded . He jumped up and came back a few minutes later with her jeans and a black sweatshirt . Then he left the room to let her change . She called him back in when she was done , and he returned bearing two peanut butter sandwiches and a cup of tea . " I started changing when I was 17 , " he said , " Younger than you . " He looked at her , and seeing that her face was still blank , he continued . " I was a porcupine my first time . " He shrugged . " Your mom and I didn 't live together for very long . And for me it mostly happens at night . I 've been able to tell when it 's coming for a long time now . " " Why ? Why does this happen ? " Darla asked . Her father shook his head . " I have no idea , " he said . " There 's no family mystery , or if there is , my parents didn 't know anything about it . I thought it was just me . No one else in my family had this . And when you got through 18 and nothing had happened , I thought , well I thought I 'll never need to tell her . " " That 's the explanation you 're going to stick me with ? " Darla rose and walked over to the door , retrieving a feather that was lying in a pool of sunlight . " I turned into a fucking owl and you say ' Woops , sometimes we do that ? ' " She ran out to her car and took off , with him running out of the house after her . And that would have been that , except that she shifted again three weeks later . The second time she had shifted , she had become some kind of big cat . She couldn 't open the door of her closet to see her mirror , so she had no idea what kind . She called her father the next morning in tears , telling him that she was afraid of what might happen next . Her father told her that she would get control over it . That it took him time to understand when the changes were coming . The next time , she became a bear , and destroyed most of her house through sheer clumsiness , and left the bed covered in scat . When she woke in the morning , she was disgusted . She balled all the sheets up and got rid of them . Slowly she became more and more isolated . She was fired from her job for being unreliable . And it became difficult to get by with so little money , especially when she kept destroying her furniture during transformations . At first , Darla took temp jobs , driving into the city for the work , but she kept getting fired for having to leave , or simply disappearing during the day . Luckily the worst thing she had become in an office was a ferret , but she began to have panic attacks at the thought of being caught out . After a time , she limited herself to freelance , conducting her work completely over email . Even though she rarely left home , changing was still dangerous . The scratches on her arms had no doubt come from a fight with a coyote that she 'd had the night before . She 'd startled it rifling through a dumpster and it had gone for her throat . She 'd managed to defend herself , some sort of instinct kicking in . When she 'd finally limped back home , running through the doggy door she 'd installed for herself just in case , she 'd curled up on the floor and fallen asleep immediately . " That guy is back , the one with the fake prescriptions ? " Maya is a sweet kid , but I have no idea how she got the idea that she could intern at a clinic . She is a pretty girl , impeccably dressed , with straightened blond hair and flawless makeup . She only started three weeks ago , but even perfect makeup can 't hide the bags that are beginning to form under eyes . The problem is she 's too idealistic ; kids like her always have a savior complex . I hate that grad schools can just send do - gooders with no real life experience my way , especially ones with Vineyard Vines bags and diamond earrings . But I have to take what I can get with such a small budget . Dozer is well known at the clinic . He 's been incarcerated at least four times on possession , once with an 8 - ball , and three times for selling Oxycontin . His latest thing is getting fake prescriptions , not just for Oxy , but for anything he can get his hands on . The thing is , he is the most charming man when he is high . Helpful . Thoughtful . It 's only when he comes down that he gets nasty . He gets shakes , throws things , and screams at park benches . An all around nasty character . Maya self - consciously adjusts her J - Crew button down shirt and I realize I 've been staring at her . " So what 's the problem ? " I ask . Dozer frequently checks in with us for a one night stay at the insistence of his sister , who has been trying to get him clean for two years . It 's a pretty typical . " Alright , I 'll handle it . Can you finish filing this month 's intakes in the front office then ? " She nods and scurries off , seeming relieved that I have absolved her of the dirty work . " How 's it going Dozer ? " I hold out my hand , and he grabs it , pumping it up and down in a strong handshake . His hands are rough and dry . " Book me for two weeks this time , " he says , grinning . " I want the whole shebang . " It looks like he shaved recently , and poorly . He missed a strip near his left ear , and cut himself on the chin . " Came by myself this time , see . I gotta get clean . " Dozer twitches when I hand him the forms . His sister usually fills them out for him , and I have no idea if he actually knows the information . " No ! " He grabs my arm and pushes it away , then immediately jumps back looking ashamed , holding his hands palm up in front of him . Maya looks terrified . She rolled her chair back against the wall when he put his hands on me , and I can 't help but feel a sting of annoyance . " Sorry Doc , but I gotta do this one myself . I found out I 've got a baby on the way and I 've gotta get my act together or she won 't let me see it . " I 'm sure if he 's talking about his sister , or the baby 's mother , but it 's more important to get him checked in . Dozer crosses his arms , hugging himself . I can see Maya slowly begin to reach back for the files . " Alright , why don 't we get you settled , we can deal with this later , " I say . Dozer relaxes a little . I have all his information on file anyway . I set Dozer up with a bed , and schedule his first round of appointments . Then I go back to the front office to find Maya , but she isn 't there . I look around for awhile and finally find her outside , taking long drags of a cigarette . She 's trembling , the cigarette shaking perceptibly between her fingers . I didn 't know she smoked . I 'm kind of surprised . " Who , Dozer ? " I ask . She nods . " Maybe . If he has a reason to , he might this time . His track record 's not great … " I notice that her shoulders have begun to shake a little , and finally it hits me . " Who was it for you ? " I ask , trying to seem gentle . She looks up at me , tears falling from her pretty green eyes , and her breath catches . " My mom , " she says . " None of us knew for so long , because she was home during the day . " She pauses , " My dad was super pissed when he found out . " " It was prescription for her . Vicodin . My dad found a little stash of bottles in one of her shoeboxes . " She stops talking and takes a deep drag on her cigarette . I notice that she is using the past tense , and wait . If it 's past tense , the story only has two outcomes ; recovery or death . Maya continues , " My dad had her in and out of treatment for the last eight years . She 'd get better and then relapse , even at the smallest things . Like she was doing great for six months , and then she hit a squirrel while she was driving my brother to school , and that was it . She was back on it for another year . " She looks at me and I find myself nodding along to the story . " I even went to college late because I wanted to be home with her … " She fiddles with her thumb ring again , her cigarette is almost burned down to the filter . " She 's clean now , I guess , " she continues , and I release the breath I hadn 't realized I was holding . " But you 're always waiting for the other shoe to drop , you know ? " Maya asks . She looks at me beseechingly . " I know it 's pretty cliché , but I thought , maybe if I figured out how to do this for other people … " She trails off . We 're both quiet for a bit . " Do you still want to do this ? " I finally ask . Maya is silent for awhile before she answers . " Yes , " she says . " Yes , I think it 's important . " When I was pregnant , it never occurred to me that my kid might come out an asshole . I was shy in school , read above my grade level , got picked on a lot . I avoided kids like Mitchell like the plague . Brian , my husband , is as nerdy as I am . He 's a little Jewish guy , was picked last for every team in gym class , studied photography in college . He 's a gentle soul . And our kid , somehow the kid that we two nerds made together , is a loud , large , brash little devil who thinks it 's perfectly acceptable to walk up to a girl on the playground and tell her she smells . Just my luck . I 'm not sure where he 's getting it from . He only watches age - appropriate tv shows ; I 'm very strict about media consumption . And Brian reads to him every night . We 've read all the parenting books . And I mean all of the parenting books . Our Amazon account suggestions are only for books about raising children . When I get to the school , Mitchell is sitting outside of the classroom . He insisted on dressing himself this morning , and is wearing a Star Wars t - shirt that is a little too small for him now , jeans , and the vest from his cowboy costume . If he had a mullet and a cigarette he would look just like the delinquents that I used to go to school with . He sees me in the hallway and has the decency to look ashamed . " Hi Mitchell , " I say , squatting down next to him . Brian promised to meet me here , but he texted to say he is running late , he needs to finish editing some project . Mitchell crosses his arm and pouts at me . I can see myself in his face , especially around the nose . We both have ski jump noses , they turn up at the end . " I 'm going in to talk to Ms . Barrowman , and then we are going to go home , and you are going right to bed with no dinner . You need to think about what you 've done . " He leans back in the chair and I leave him there , preparing to make my apologies yet again to the poor harried Ms . Barrowman . Later that day , after Brian and I have finally wrestled Mitchell into bed despite his protests and tears , I decide to call my mother . It 's been hard for me to admit that we 've had so much trouble with Mitchell . We had to fight so hard to have him that I feel like it 's disloyal of me to say anything bad about him . " Difficult like a normal five year old , or something else ? " She asks carefully . She knows I have been fiercely defensive of everything we do with Mitchell . Everything I 've been holding back for the past few months suddenly comes pouring out . " He 's a jerk , " I sob , as my mother immediately begins to make soothing voices through the phone . " He 's a bully and the other kids hate him . He pushed a little girl on the playground so hard that she skinned her hands ! And he stole another kid 's book . And I don 't know what we 're doing wrong because Brian and I were picked on and it feels really shitty not to like your own kid ! " At this point my mother goes from soothing me to chuckling . " Oh lord , the trouble you put me through . You used to beat up the boys on the playground , and steal their legos . And the girls were all afraid of you , you were such a tomboy . But you grew out of it eventually . " " It 's going to be okay honey . You and Brian are good parents and Mitchell is going through a phase . A crappy , awful phase that you 're going to have to work like hell to get him out of , but you grew up to be a pretty amazing person despite the fact that I wanted to give you away when you were his age . " " So apparently I was a nasty kid , " I say , sipping my wine . It is a little vinegary , but not too bad . Brian strokes my hair . " Anyway , " Brian continues , " Mitchell came out and gave me this while you were on the phone with your Mom . " He hands me a folded piece of notebook paper with a stick figure of a man crying on the front . I open it and inside , in barely legible writing , Mitchell has written " SORYY . " And thinking about it , I actually believe that he means it . |
After a few days off from writing a short story every day for a month , I 've had a bit of time to reflect on the process . I wanted to do this project because I 've done NaNoWriMo for the past two years , and then accomplished no writing for the rest of the year . I also wanted to do this because the pressure - cooker timing of NaNoWriMo forced me to be creative in ways that I don 't think I am with more time , because I tend to over - analyze myself into silence . And sure enough , with the time limits I gave myself , I was able to produce science fiction for the first time ever , and even dip my toe into fantasy . I should explain . When I was little , really little , from four years old to fourth grade , I told everyone who would listen that I wanted to be a writer . I wrote endlessly . My parents got me an electric typewriter and I would sit in my room and type up my stories and dream of being a writer . Then , in 4th grade , I got an assignment to write about Valentine 's Day . I wrote an epic story , about a woman named Valentine , who was blind , and got into a horrible car accident and had a miscarriage . I think we had just been studying Helen Keller , and my mom watched a lot of All My Children . Anyway , my 4th grade teacher was horrified and asked to meet with my mom and me . And in that meeting she told me something that basically crushed me in every possible way . She said , " This isn 't appropriate . You should write what you know . " Two years ago , I decided to do NaNoWriMo . It sounded so intriguing . I 'm good with deadlines ; I thrive on them . And I was unemployed , so I needed a project . And then one of my literary heroes , Robin McKinley , sent me a tweet that probably meant more to me than I can explain . She was writing about bad advice that writers get , and mentioned the " write what you know " axiom . I replied to her with my story , and she immediately replied back saying that was horrible advice and she was sad that I had given up . She then said to " Write what you know into what you don 't . " So I decided to try . I honestly don 't know what will come of this . Maybe nothing . The fact that I 've accomplished two NaNoWriMos and this project feels great , but I feel like I have a lot of non - writing years to catch up on . The motorcycle raced along the narrow dirt road . The rider , clad all in white , looked like a ghost against the solid wall of birch trees that lined either side . The rider was as pale as her garb , her milky eyes appearing sightless even though they tracked the smallest detail along the road . Curled up in the crate attached to the back of the bike was a miserable little boy . He was swaddled in a thick woolen blanket and only the top of his head poked out ; his ears were pink and chilled by the ride . His hands and feet had been bound and all he wanted to do was scratch the itch that had been on his left nostril for the last ten miles or so . Just three days before , Erasmus had been an average five year old in the Ladd - Franklin Valley ; although in Ladd - Franklin , what was considered average was very far from the definition held in the rest of the Republic . Erasmus and his family had been placed in Ladd - Franklin after Erasmus had been identified as a potential Logician . The test that all the three year olds in the Republic took was meant to identify children for the specialized training program before uncorrectable habits and lazy thought patterns formed . Erasmus ' parents had been shocked by his identification ; while he was clearly an intelligent little boy , they had not seen the making of a true Logician in him . Erasmus ' mother Gwyn thought her child was too empathetic to be able to be a Logician . His father Belenus had assumed that his own status as a transporter would preclude his children from success . " I don 't know why you were chosen , " she said , a few weeks after the family had relocated . " You 're too irrational . They 'll fail you out . " Privately , Erasmus had feared that he would be found lacking . When he had taken the logic test , the other students had faced it calmly and methodically . He , on the other hand , had barely been able to stay seated , shaking his hands and nodding his head to the side in a strange repetitive tic . He had been so nervous that he had skipped around the test , answering things completely out of order , and when the oral component came , he had blurted the first word he could think of to answer the panel 's question , which happened to be " Verdant . " The panel had seemed inexplicably impressed and had let him go immediately without further questioning . He could not even remember what he had been asked . The identification test was administered once a year and a test might yield one candidate ; or none at all . So Erasmus ' candidacy was even more of a shock because he was one of two selected to go to Ladd - Franklin that year . The other was a Marigold , a shy plump little girl with dark black skin and a soft - spoken voice who had seemed quite overwhelmed by the whole process . Marigold and Erasmus made an unlikely pair . During their first day in the Ladd - Franklin training center , Marigold had locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out until her father arrived . Erasmus had faired a bit better , although he resented being stared at by the fourteen other candidates , who ranged in age from five to seventeen . They were a motley bunch , although they clearly belonged at the center . The candidates and instructors alike all spoke in a strange , crisp dialect that was free of inflection . They seemed to have no personal attachment to what they said , instead delivering information both positive and negative with the same impassive tone . And after Erasmus had spent more time at the center , he came to realize that nothing personal was encouraged . The oldest three candidates ; Jonah , Osprey , and Catriona had all emancipated themselves from their families by the age of twelve . Their families had been sent back to live outside of the Valley , and the three candidates lived their lives unencumbered by emotion . Erasmus thought of his kind mother and gentle father and wondered if he could ever separate himself from them so completely . The stranger had plucked him from his bed the night before . He had woken in the middle of the night to find a luminescent white hand covering his mouth and two cloudy eyes staring into his own . He had tried to scream but had quickly been muffled by the strange woman , who had already managed to bind his arms and legs in his sleep . He looked across the room , but he could not tell if Claudette was sleeping or if the stranger had done something to her . The stranger , catching his glance , leaned in and whispered , " Your sister sleeps . But if you don 't come with me I shall make the sleep permanent . " Erasmus raced through the possible scenarios for escape before arriving at the conclusion that with his feet already tied and his sister in danger , he had no choice but to go without a fight . He tried to focus on his teachings ; to rely on the fact that once he had weighed his options and found nothing could be done , that he was free to think of other things until the scenario changed and presented him with new options . He tried to quell his fear knowing that now , in a way , he had elected to go with the strange woman . She bundled him up in his blanket and despite her small stature carried him effortlessly out to the balcony . Here , he thought she might be presented with a challenge , but she hooked a carabiner to the railing and fell backwards , clutching him in her arms . She nearly slammed him into the wall , but managed to repel in time . Erasmus noted with surprise that there were so few security measures in place for protection in Ladd - Franklin . The woman popped him in the crate , leapt on to her bike , and was gone within minutes , and no alarm was raised . He had thought that there facility was one of the most important in the Republic ; surely they would have some kind of failsafe in place . They neared the edge of town , and the woman drove towards the high wall that surrounded the valley . Immediately he knew that this had been planned for some time . There was a clear blind spot in the cameras in the area that she was approaching . And once they reached the wall , she shot her carabiner up into the massive oak tree on the other side , locked her legs around the base of the bike , and suddenly they were soaring up into the air and over the wall . If his hands hadn 't been bound , Erasmus would have gripped onto something at the stomach - lurching weightless feeling ; as it was , he gripped his hands together and wished fervently that someone might send help . But help had not come . He had been two days on the back of the bike , and his legs and arms had fallen asleep within the first few hours . The woman showed no signs of fatigue , not stopping once for rest or to relieve herself . Erasmus wondered if she might be human after all . He had heard rumors before he was located to Ladd - Franklin of things that lived beyond the Republic , but he had always written them off as fairy tales . He must have drifted off for a little while , because when he awoke , the scenery had changed . Up ahead of them was a white domed building that appeared to glow from within . They were on something that could barely be called a road at that point , it was more like a trail , and the woman kept revving her bike to get up and around hills . Up ahead , for the first time since he had been taken , Erasmus saw another person . As they drew nearer , he realized that it was in fact two people . A man , the mirror image of Erasmus ' kidnapper , was holding an apple to his lips and seemingly drinking from it ; it went from a shiny red to a desiccated pale shell before his eyes . And with him , wide - eyed , gagged and handcuffed , was Marigold . Erasmus felt momentarily relieved that he had not been gagged , and then ashamed that he had not put up more of a fight . Marigold saw him as their bike pulled up next to hers and she panicked , throwing herself over the side of the bike and falling flat on her face . Erasmus heard a crunch and winced . The man pulled Marigold up and her nose streamed with blood , it was clearly broken . She choked back a sob and turned away from them , trying to put her hands to her face . Erasmus wondered where they were . By his estimation , they had been travelling north and west at eighty miles an hour for nearly three days . They had to be beyond the borders of the Republic . He looked at Marigold and signed for her to be silent . He assessed their options . If one of them could get free , they could release the other , and they could try to escape . He was not sure what might be in the domed building , but he was certain that if they didn 't try something now , they wouldn 't get another chance for awhile . He had no survival instincts . His days were spent solving artificial puzzles concocted by his instructors and their peers . He was glad , for the moment , that he had other skills to fall back on . Marigold must have been thinking the same thing , because he suddenly saw a glint appear in her eye , the way it did when she grasped a perfect truth for the first time . I watched as Mindy squatted barefoot in the sand , occasionally tugging at her little green and yellow polka - dot bikini bottoms . I 'd fought her on those , but she 'd insisted everyone wore bikinis and that if she didn 't have one , " she would just die . " I was hearing that a lot these days . Apparently many things would kill my ten - year - old daughter ; like not having a Justin Beiber poster , or having the wrong pair of jeans on the first day of school . Mark was laying on his stomach , snoring lightly . His pale back reflected the sun and I leaned over and smacked a glob of SPF 50 on his back . The beach used to be a lot more fun for me , I thought . I remembered the days when I was the one in the bikini bottoms , and Mark and I would play volleyball . He would tackle me and carry me , screaming with laughter , into the ocean if I won . Mindy was burying her friend Adrienne in the sand . Adrienne was now a staple on vacations , because , and I 'm sure there 's no surprise here , Mindy would " just die " if Adrienne couldn 't come with us . I often wondered if Mark and I should have tried harder to have a second child , but we had used up our savings on three rounds of IVF . So instead , we had Adrienne , our little surrogate daughter . She was a quiet child , a born follower . Her mother , if I 'm being honest , was a bit wild . She 'd had Adrienne young , and wasn 't even 30 . She would show up at school for bake sales and the PTA in her tight jeans and skimpy shirts and Adrienne would blush and stammer , trying to hide her . I 'd think ; I wouldn 't mind adopting Adrienne . She even looked like me , red hair , freckles , a long nose . Mindy was fair and pale blonde , she looked like Mark , but I could barely see myself in her . It was no surprise to me that Adrienne was the one being buried in the sand . She followed Mindy everywhere she went . I worried that someday soon , my little daughter would turn on her for not being outgoing enough , or well - dressed enough , or fun enough . I could already see it happening . Adrienne was an introverted child ; she liked to write and draw , and would sit down and have conversations with me like an adult . Mindy kept telling her that the things she was doing were " lame . " How a ten - year - old could already know what was lame was beyond me . That night , we walked along the boardwalk . Mark had bought ice cream for the girls . As usual , Mindy had ice cream running down her arm , and had to lick the mint chocolate chip from her elbow . I carried a wad of napkins with me , and occasionally handed one to her . Adrienne was taking neat little licks , making sure that it didn 't melt too much . As we walked along , Mindy spied an arcade and nearly dropped her cone in excitement . " Sure " I said . I checked my purse but I had no change . " Let me just get a few quarters . " Mindy squealed and ran off , hauling Mark behind her and leaving Adrienne and I standing alone . I saw a change machine across the boardwalk , and began to head towards it . A moment later , I felt a warm , slightly sticky hand reach out and grab mine . I looked down and saw that Adrienne had put her hand in mine to cross the street , and my heart melted a little . " Of course you will , " I said , gripping her hand in mine more tightly . " You 'll be great . You 're so smart , you 're going to do really well . " She frowned , staring at her ice cream . " Do you think Mindy and I will stay friends ? " she asked . I looked down at her and saw that she had tears in her eyes . " Mindy has a lot of other friends , and I don 't have any , " she continued , a sob rising in her throat . Suddenly I was on my knees in front of her , wrapping another woman 's child in my arms and holding her as tightly as I possibly could . Across the boardwalk , I could see Mindy pause and look at us . She cocked her head to one side and appeared confused . I wondered how old she would be when she would realize just how important having a friend like Adrienne was . A teenager ? An adult ? In my experience , people lose a lot of friendships to carelessness before they wise up . Emera leaned over the well and hauled up the bucket of water , hand over hand . Her belly pressed against the cool stone and she tugged her shirt down , resting the bucket on the edge of the well . Her nail snagged on the thin fabric , leaving a small hole . " Shit , " she swore , examining her shirt . It was almost threadbare anyway , but it would be awhile before she was likely to get a new one . Runs to the East only happened in the spring , and she had at least five long months to go until then . She 'd have to try to trade for a sweatshirt in the meantime . Houser was a good mark , easily swayed by her figure , she 'd try him first . She lifted the bucket of water into the Radio Flyer wagon along with the two others , hefted a fourth onto her shoulder , and headed back down the poorly lit passage towards the Hive . They were still working to smooth out the uneven floor , and Emera had to navigate carefully to avoid spilling the water . The pits and dips were hard to see in the dull light . The gas lamps were dimmer than the electric bulbs that they had wanted to install , but they couldn 't risk having a generator near the Hive until they figured out how to mask its heat . That was not her project though . Emera had managed to get the phosphorescent paint for the walkway though , so at least there was always light along the ground . She had also painted a few of the lower hanging stalactites so that people weren 't constantly bumping their heads , although Houser complained that he still did . Privately , Emera thought it was probably because he wasn 't smart enough to look where he was going . He was at least an inch shorter than her . Emera was exactly 6 ' 0 tall with a giant mane of wiry golden brown hair that made her appear even taller . She was an imposing woman , although she tried not to use her size for intimidation unless it was necessary . Unfortunately , she had found it necessary all too often in the past few years . She had two stilettos , one hidden in each of her boots , and carried a KA - BAR combat knife in a sheath attached to her belt . Emera was the informal second in command at the Hive . The community had tried to keep a pure democracy at first ; but it had become too difficult to maintain through the first hard months , as everyone pursued their own interests and the group began to crumble . A few bad fights had broken out , and then Skinly , a hot - headed twenty something ex - blogger had threatened to go back East , they realized something needed to be done quickly . They chose to elect a leader . Eventually , it became clear that everyone most valued the opinion of Donelle Keynes , a 50 year old one - eyed ex - marine with a wicked sense of humor who 'd also managed to raise five children as a single mother . Once that was clear , the community made Donelle 's role formal , dubbing her the CEO , as a bit of a joke . Donelle relied heavily on Emera to work on immediate operations while Donelle worked on sustainability . Donelle had suggested planting crops in the woods behind the Hive , and Emera had figured out how to grow them in a complex series of numbered plots , so they appeared to be nothing more than particularly dense patches of wild plants to the naked eye . The well had also been her idea . Having to trek to the river each day had been dangerous and Donelle wanted to find another way to up their water supply . After mapping the path of the river , Emera guessed that they might be able to dig a well just inside the entrance to the Hive . As usual , she had been right . She and the others each had a water shift where they would grab buckets for communal drinking ; three times in the morning , twice near noon , and three times again at night . It was still less water than Donelle thought they should get , but it was enough to keep everyone hydrated . Emera rounded the corner into the central cavern of the Hive , where three of the little ones were playing double dutch with some of her climbing rope . She almost admonished them , but held herself back ; they had so little to entertain them . Revolution was always hardest on the children . She began to set out the buckets of water in the middle of the space , when the unmistakable drone of a heat seeker suddenly came into hearing . One of the little girls screamed and dropped her end of the rope , running to cower in the corner . The other girl ran straight to Emera and gripped onto her leg . The third was left tangled up in the rope and she fell flat on her stomach pressing herself to the ground . Emera stood stock still . So far , they had heard a number of the heat seekers pass by their cave , but the distance that they were underground had shielded them . Emera 's only worry was that someone might have been in the Vitamin D room , the only place in the caverns where the sun reached . The little girl who had fallen to the ground slowly crawled over to Emera and reached out to clutch her friend 's hand . The third child whimpered in the corner , hugging herself . They are too young to know this kind of fear , Emera thought . We 've done this to them . Five minutes later , the sound passed . Emera could feel the breath escape the lips of the girls who were huddled close to her and she gave them a reassuring smile . A few moments later , Donelle came running into the main cavern , followed by Houser , Skinly , Margeurite and Zander . Donelle let out a sigh of relief and sat hard on one of the stumps they had set up in the middle of the room . She dipped a cup into one of the water buckets and brought it to her lips , spilling a little bit down the corner of the mouth . Skinly sat down cross - legged next to her and helped herself as well . Houser , the father of the child who had run to the corner , walked over to check on his daughter , who threw herself into his arms . " I 'm too old for this crap , " Donelle said . Houser chuckled and Emera fixed him with a hard glance . One of the girls clambered into Donelle 's lap and reached for the water cup . While Donelle was thus occupied , Emera pulled Zander and Marguerite aside . Marguerite shook her head . " I ran a check as soon as it started , " she said . Zander nodded in agreement . " Everyone 's accounted for . " Emera felt an uncomfortable weight settle in her stomach . " We haven 't done outreach since our last Run . I doubt anyone could have found us without a guide . " She paused , reflecting . " It wouldn 't be so bad though , to get some fresh blood down here . Our skills are probably getting rusty . " Marguerite and Zander exchanged glances . Zander jumped in . " If we want any shot of taking down the government 's communications this time , I think we have to . " He continued , " We haven 't done an attack in almost a year . We have no idea how they 're reacting out there . They may have built up all kinds of defensive systems since we were last out . We could use more skill . " Emera nodded . " I 'll talk to Donelle . " She looked down at herself ruefully . " Besides , I 'm in the market for a new shirt . " " Do you see him yet , " Tuttle asked in a whisper , pressing his face up against the darkened window . He pulled his zipper all the way up to his chin . Lee shook her head and grabbed the edges of the sleeping bag , wrapping it more closely around them both . " He should have been back by now , " Tuttle continued , gratefully pulling the bag tight around his small shoulders . Even in the limited light of the moon , Lee could tell that his lips were blue . Lee thought about their father , working his way through the undergrowth to the nearest town . For a moment , she held his image in her mind , making it feel warm and safe . " You think he 's ok ? " Tuttle asked . He snuggled in to Lee , his ear cold against her shoulder , and she wrapped her arms around him . Lee thought for a moment , then came up with an image of their father returning , walking tall and loaded down with food . She could feel Tuttle 's presence at the corner of her mind , and pushed out this picture . " I hope he finds peanut butter , " Tuttle said , slightly calmer . Lee added a big jar of Jiffy to her image of their father and Tuttle sighed in contentment . He was quiet for a moment , and Lee realized that he had drifted off to sleep . She lay him down on the floor , tucked into the sleeping bag , and went back to stand by the window . To her count , they had been in the cabin for three weeks . This was the first time their father had ventured out since they had arrived . Lee wasn 't sure how her father knew where to go , but she didn 't ask questions . She 'd known something was coming for months . Lee and her father had kept Lee 's abilities quiet for a number of years , keeping her in Special Education classes and using sign language . But once Tuttle had started school , it had become more difficult . No matter how often they reminded him , Tuttle would respond to Lee 's thoughts in front of other people . At first , it seemed as though they could pass because Tuttle was young , and it seemed as though he was imagining a relationship with his deaf , mute , sister . But after a time , the rumors had begun to spread , and Lee noticed that her classmates , who had often ignored her , were now watching her more closely . Watching and waiting to see if she might respond to a direction from their teacher even if she had her back turned to the class and Lee couldn 't read her lips . Lee caught on quickly and tried to play dumb , sheltering her thoughts and shielding herself from others , but it was too late . She noticed the specialists waiting outside of her classroom early on a November morning . They wore navy blue suits , sunglasses , and had on running shoes . Lee noticed a bulge at each of their hips , indicating some kind of weapon , most likely a taser . It did not bode well . She 'd seen them once before , three years ago when they 'd come to interview a fifth year , but she had heard stories about them her whole life ; mostly from her father , who would keep her and Tuttle up late at night with the tales of how the specialists haunted the internet , waiting to pick up on the slightest hint of abnormality . Their father was off the grid . Their mother had been as well , before she was taken . Lee 's father had always warned them that they were already on the watch list because of their mother , but he had managed to hide them for a time , moving them to the most rural area he could find . One of the few places in the country left that did not broadcast wireless through the city . But now the specialists had found her . When she first saw the specialists outside the room , she turned to Lorraine , and began to sign at her frantically . Lorraine , who was unused to Lee trying to communicate , told the class to work on an equation individually and came over to talk to her . As she came near , Lee felt the first push on her mind from a foreign source . She tried to keep calm , and debated whether a normal person might just let it happen without realizing it , or collapse in agony . She chose to collapse , and when Lorraine reached her , Lee launched herself out of her desk and began to howl silently , projecting , what she hoped , were normal thoughts of fear and horror . What she hadn 't counted on was Tuttle . " Lee , Lee what 's wrong ! What are they doing to you ! " He threw himself across her and glared up at her classmates angrily . " Get back from her , now ! " he yelled . Lee could feel his thin body shaking despite his bravado , but she didn 't want to take the risk of trying to calm him with someone still inside her mind . Lorraine had looked from brother to sister , and then pulled out her cell phone and called their father immediately . She went into the back of the room and had a whispered conversation , occasionally glancing at the door to see if the specialists were looking in . Lee saw that they weren 't , but feared that meant that they didn 't need to , and that they somehow knew what was going on anyway . In all likelihood , there was a camera somewhere in the room . Lee hoped it was trained on the students , and not on her teacher . When Lorraine got off the phone she got up and walked over to Lee and very carefully positioned herself with her back to her desk . So the camera 's over there , Lee thought . Lorraine started signing to her . " I know , " Lee signed back to Lorraine . " I 'll be careful . " Tuttle looked back and forth between them , fat tears forming in his eyes . " Not at all , sweetie , " she said . " Everything 's fine , let me walk you back downstairs . " She stood up and placed her hand on the Tuttle 's shoulder , then turned to the rest of the class who had been watching the whole exchange . They had expected that Lee would come to them ; she saw right away that she had made a tactical error . Without speaking the two of them flanked her ; the woman on her right and the man on her left and began to walk her down the hallway . Lee turned and saw Tuttle also trying to turn around and Lorraine distracting him . Lee could make a fuss and try to appear normal , or she could come to the terms with the fact that it was probably already too late . Now that she was closer to them , Lee knew that it was the woman who had tried to enter her mind , and that she was far more experienced a reader than Lee . As she thought this , the female specialist looked down at her and gave her a slight smile , and Lee knew that she was lost . Suddenly , she felt her father 's presence in the building . She shoved it out of her mind immediately . The female specialist kept stride , appearing not to notice , but now Lee was truly worried . She considered sending her father a message , but feared that might be rash . He was forever telling her to think defensively , and to not make mistakes out of fear . Two second later as they entered the stairway , three shots rang out . The male specialist fell immediately ; a wound to his temple erupting in scarlet blood . The female specialist grabbed Lee by the elbow and pulled her close , bringing out a weapon of her own . She projected silence on Lee , who accepted it immediately ; the specialist could have blocked any projection Lee wanted to make anyway . Lee felt the specialist send the threat to her father , and heard down the stairwell the corresponding clunk of a gun being dropped . She could hear screaming coming from the classrooms , and weaved her mind through to touch on Tuttle . He was terrified , gripping onto Lorraine 's wrist and trying to pull her back towards his sister . Lee quieted him , telling him that she loved him and that it would be alright . The specialist , who had been distracted , suddenly blocked off the projection and slapped Lee hard across the face . As hard as she could , Lee thought about turning and fleeing down the stairs , and instinctively the specialist moved to block her , stepping too close to the edge of the railing . Realizing her mistake , the specialist tried to move forward , but Lee had already shoved her with all of her strength , sending her over the railing . A second later , she heard a loud thud , followed by a shot . Immediately , she reached to Tuttle calling him to her , and when he appeared at the top of the stairwell , eyes wide at the site of the body of the male specialist , she grabbed his hand and ran down the stairs to meet their father . Their father raced them out to the van , which he had kept stocked with food and other provisions for years , and veered off immediately . Not ten minutes later , he had pulled them out of the van , and sent it right into the river , food and all . They took off on foot and were within the woods in minutes . " We need to get you out of range , " he said to Lee , who nodded seriously . Tuttle gripped her hand and kept up as best he could , until finally their father hoisted him up onto his back . And they continued that way for a few more hours , until they got to another well stocked car that their father had hidden in the woods . " And rightly so , " he responded . He handed them each a pair of gloves , and fitted hair nets onto each of their heads before touching the car and starting up the engine . They drove through the night , and into the next day , with Tuttle up front in the passenger seat and Lee in the back , covered by a blanket . They ditched that car halfway through the day , and made their way back into the woods , towards the mountains this time . This time , before they set out , her father pulled three pairs of shoes out of his backpack . The first two were for Lee and Tuttle , and were adult - sized boots , stuffed with socks to make them fit . They were clumsy to walk in at first , but after a time , they caught on . Their father 's boots were his size , but on the bottom , he had added a slight platform to stack on a shoe tread that was a full size smaller than his own . When he stepped in front of them in the woods , he left normal prints behind him . Seeing all the planning that her father had put into their escape made Lee realize exactly how long he must have been planning it . " This should hold us until we need to move again , " he said , setting up a lamp and throwing wood onto the old iron stove in the corner of the room . " We 'll stay for a few weeks and then I 'll check to see if things have died down . " He pulled out a camp stove , and set to cooking hot dogs and beans . Lee wondered what kind of network he would be able to tap in to . She doubted that the dead specialists would be reported in the news . The government usually liked to keep these things quiet . She ran her hand over the table , and came up with a layer of thick dust on her fingertips . " Gross , " Tuttle said . He plopped down on the mattress in the middle of the room , and pulled out his PSP . Their father had hacked the GPS tracker out of it when they 'd first taken off , and stuck it to the bottom of another car . They lived in relative comfort for the next few weeks , eating the supplies , and playing the old - fashioned board games that their father had ferreted away . Finally , he decided it was time to check for updates . He kissed Tuttle on the head , gave him a squeeze and then invited Lee to read him . She saw that he planned to be gone for three days , and that he was going to an isolated town to the north , where they had not yet been . " They 're not exactly government friendly up that way , " he signed . He pulled Lee to him and held her tight . His thoughts came through as clearly into her mind as if he were speaking them . " I will not let them harm you . " An image of their mother flashed through his mind and he pulled away , slung his backpack over his shoulder and took off . And so Tuttle slept , while Lee tried to stay awake near the window , waiting for their father 's return on the third night after her had left . She had nearly nodded off , when finally she felt his presence come into focus . She was about to project a greeting when his message came through as though he were screaming it . Danielle had first noticed the girl three weeks before . She and Gray had been walking back to their table with full lunch trays . Gray had made her laugh and Danielle had walked right into the girl , dropping her tray and spilling food all over her . For a moment , it was as though the room froze , and everyone turned to stare at them . Danielle 's spaghetti clung to the girl 's sweater , and sauce dripped onto her shoes , sending little red rivulets over the brown suede . The girl stared down at herself , clutching her little carton of milk in both hands , and then looked up at Danielle . Her eyes were gray and rimmed with tears . Danielle opened her mouth to apologize . " Watch where you 're going , freak , " Gray said , pushing past the girl . He put his arm around Danielle and walked her back to their table , giving her his lunch , before going to grab another one for himself . Danielle watched as the girl , who had been frozen in the middle of the room , ran out of the doors . Danielle caught a glance exchanged between two of the lunch aides . One of them took off after the girl . The girl finally appeared a week later , sitting at her usual table . Danielle noticed her as soon as she entered the cafeteria . She wore an oversized sweatshirt and khaki pants , and her hair was greasy . In front of her was the Tupperware lunch that Danielle would come to recognize . Danielle had never really bothered to notice anyone outside of her circle of friends before . It wasn 't that she was intentionally exclusive ; it was just that she had her friends and her boyfriend , and that was enough for her . But this girl bothered her . This girl weighed on her conscience . She tried mentioning it to Gray later that week as he drove her home from school . " Oh , you mean the spaz that bumped into you ? She 's just some sophomore . I don 't know her real name . " He shrugged . " Why ? " Danielle tried not to think about the girl , who she 'd come to think of as Corner Table , but once she noticed her she began to see her everywhere . Corner Table was in her bio lab , and in her gym class . Corner Table passed Danielle in the hallway at exactly 12 : 23 every day on her way to Calculus . She even thought she started seeing her outside of school , first at Gino 's Pizza , where she 'd waited nervously to pick up a pizza , chewing on her nails ; then crossing the street near Danielle 's house while Danielle was out for a run . It was like the girl had sprung into existence simply to taunt Danielle . On the Wednesday of the third week after Danielle had first noticed Corner Table , she decided that she wanted to apologize for bumping into her . It had been weighing on her mind , and she was sorry for Gray 's behavior too . Danielle was fidgety in class all day , chewing on her pencils and doodling all over her work . When the bell rang for lunch , she bolted out of her seat towards the cafeteria and headed straight for the ficus plant , but Corner Table wasn 't there . She waited , as her friends trickled into the room , and finally gave up after it was clear the girl wasn 't going to show up . She got in the lunch line behind her friends who were whispering to each other . " I mean , can you imagine ? " Sarah continued , " She OD 'd on painkillers . I guess her mom walked in and found her , there was a real scene . " " Why isn 't anyone saying anything to us ? Shouldn 't there be an announcement or something ? " Danielle demanded . Hot bile rose in her throat . Her face flushed ; her sweater suddenly felt prickly and hot . Cora and Sarah looked at her passively and it seemed like she was seeing her friends for the first time . " What the hell is WRONG with you Danielle ? " Sarah yelled in her face , flecks of spittle hitting Danielle on the cheek . " You can 't just hit people . " The rain beat heavily against the windshield . Donna leaned forward , squinting through the distorted glass . She was concentrating to hard that her head ached , a tight pain right in between her eyes . She could barely make out anything outside , just blurry pinpricks of light far ahead of her . The sky was a dark green , and she could feel the wind making the car sway as she raced down the interstate . Tramp , her big black lab , lay on a blanket across the backseat , panting . Her leash and the remains of a bag of dog food were on the passenger seat , along with the box of protein bars . She 'd been stocking up for awhile , keeping cans and boxes from the last rounds of prepared food around her bunk . A crate of water bottles were still in the back of her car , and she 'd also managed to buy a two pack of the giant bottles of One - A - Day Vitamins off a woman selling them out of the back of her truck . Donna hoped they were legit . Her rifle lay across her lap , and she had two more guns and six boxes of ammo in the trunk . She was surprised by how clear the roads were . When the emergency alarm had sounded in the early morning , she 'd already been awake . At the first blare of the horn , she 'd grabbed Tramp and been off . She 'd been on the highway heading north - west within two minutes . She assumed a pack of traffic was building behind her , and that , as more time passed , the roads would begin to clog up . She figured that if she could get a good 30 miles west before having to figure out the back roads , she would be in good shape . Not everyone had a car these days . She 'd shot two jackers who 'd tried to take off with hers . One had been a young girl , barely over fourteen . She 'd looked soft , laying on the ground after Donna had shot her . She hated to shoot a sister , but it was survival of the fittest . She 'd been invited to stay in the Clutch , but she thought she 'd be more likely to make it on her own . Her only regret was leaving her sister behind , but Karen was a zealous revolutionary . She and the other women of the Clutch had decided to stand their ground and face down the invading troops . After the Law had passed , the Clutch had stormed the capitol , laying waste to everything in their path and rounding up the men . They had cordoned off the city . The leaders of the movement , who had seen the Law coming for years , had been prepared . They had stored weapons , and food . They were prepared to take over the city . They burned the men alive one week later . The smell of burnt flesh hung in the air for days afterwards . As each man was brought to the bonfire , Karen read their list of crimes against women aloud . It wasn 't long after that that the Clutch had rounded up the rest of the men of their relatively isolated city . Donna and some of the others fought it at first , but they couldn 't dissuade the Clutch from killing the rest of the men too . It was days before the Government could decide how to respond . After all , who wanted to go after a city completely occupied by women and children ? But then they began to receive daily announcements , jamming up the radio waves , and appearing in texts and emails . The men were coming . That was when Donna decided she had to go out on her own . Better take her own risks by crossing the border than burn everything to the ground . It wasn 't until Darla felt the soap stinging in the shower that she noticed the scratches on the backs of her hands and arms . Angry , red scratches that ran from her knuckles up to her elbows . She stared in horror at the deep tracks that lined her arms and tried to figure out what to do next . Darla stood , indecisive , under the steaming hot water . Her first aid kit was in the kitchen , and she was probably out of hydrogen peroxide . She was terrible at keeping track of things like that . " I should pay more attention , " she admonished herself . One of the scratches had opened up and begun to bleed , dripping bright red blood onto the white shower tile . Her stomach churned , and she threw back the shower curtain and turned off the water . She reached for her towel and wrapped it around her torso , wishing that she could cover her arms . She padded into the kitchen and searched her cabinets for bacitracin or hydrogen peroxide , to no avail . These were the times that she wished she could live with someone . Preferably a responsible roommate who would buy things like milk and stamps and medical supplies . She looked around the kitchen , and her eyes fell on a bottle of Jack Daniels . " Why not , " she said to herself . She grabbed the bottle and walked over the sink . Unscrewing the top , she held her arm over the sink and took a deep breath . She poured the brown liquid over her arm and for a second felt nothing . Then her arm lit up like it was on fire . She gasped , dropping the bottle in the sink . The contents spilled out before she could snatch it up again . " Shit , " she swore . She realized that her hands were shaking . She dropped the towel on the floor ran over to her bed , curled up in the middle and pulled the blankets all the way over her head . This was the thirty - second time that Darla had changed . Each time came without warning . The first time , she had been visiting her dad 's place in New Hampshire . Her dad was a retired forest ranger who still lived right on the edge of the State Park . He loved it there and had vowed that he would rather die than move . They had been close when she was a kid , but had grown apart , inevitably , during high school . The visit was one of the first that she had made post - college . Her dad had barbecued burgers for dinner , they had watched a few reruns of Seinfeld together , and she had gone to bed in her childhood room . Four hours later , she had woken up with a cramp in her side . At first she thought it might just be gas , but then a sharp pain shot through both of her legs . She called out for her father , and tried to stand . Her knees gave out and she crumpled to the floor . Every detail came into sharp relief , and she could feel individual splinters against her arm . The floor was cool , and for a moment , she lay there , hoping that the pain might dull . Then her head began to ache . At first it was a dull ache , like a migraine about to settle in , but quickly it grew more severe , as though someone was trying to pry her head open at the temples . She gasped and began to dry - heave , trying to pull herself up onto her knees . She tried to yell for her father again , but all that came out was a strangled cry . Ten seconds later , her whole body convulsed and she passed out . When she awoke , her vision had cleared and she could see every stitch in the coverlet on her bed . Then she realized that her glasses were not on . Then she realized that it was still dark . Her whole body felt as if it had fallen asleep ; pins and needles raced up and down her skin . She tried to move , and found that her feet and hands didn 't feel quite right . She turned her head , rotating it slowly and realized that nothing was preventing her from turning her head all the way around . She squawked and fell over , scrambling to right herself again . She threw out her arms and felt the strength of the wings before she realized what they were . She screamed again , and this time her father came running into the room and threw on the light . She was temporarily blinded , and she lurched forward , trying to escape . Her father swore , and scooped her up . It wasn 't until that moment , that she realized that she was impossibly small . She lashed out , catching him in the face with her foot by accident , and she saw that she had left a trail of beaded red across her nose . Her father raced downstairs and threw open the back door , carrying her out into the night . " It 's going to be okay , Darla , " he said . He held one arm out in front of her and she stepped up onto it , panic racing through her body . " I 'm so sorry , " he whispered . Then he brought his arm down quickly and launched her up into the air . Caught by surprise , she threw out her wings and caught flight . It was all too much for her ; she swooped low , heading back for the house and crash landed on the porch . She hopped over to a planter and burrowed behind it . She heard her father sit down quietly in front of it , guarding her , and they stayed that way until sun began to rise , when suddenly she was overcome with pain again , and began to grow . Her father ran and grabbed a blanket , wrapped her up , then carried her into the house and laid her down gently on the couch . She was still too in shock to speak , so he waited . Finally , she was able to speak . " Dad , what the fuck ? " Darla screamed . She pulled the blanket around her more closely . " I need clothes , " she demanded . He jumped up and came back a few minutes later with her jeans and a black sweatshirt . Then he left the room to let her change . She called him back in when she was done , and he returned bearing two peanut butter sandwiches and a cup of tea . " I started changing when I was 17 , " he said , " Younger than you . " He looked at her , and seeing that her face was still blank , he continued . " I was a porcupine my first time . " He shrugged . " Your mom and I didn 't live together for very long . And for me it mostly happens at night . I 've been able to tell when it 's coming for a long time now . " " Why ? Why does this happen ? " Darla asked . Her father shook his head . " I have no idea , " he said . " There 's no family mystery , or if there is , my parents didn 't know anything about it . I thought it was just me . No one else in my family had this . And when you got through 18 and nothing had happened , I thought , well I thought I 'll never need to tell her . " " That 's the explanation you 're going to stick me with ? " Darla rose and walked over to the door , retrieving a feather that was lying in a pool of sunlight . " I turned into a fucking owl and you say ' Woops , sometimes we do that ? ' " She ran out to her car and took off , with him running out of the house after her . And that would have been that , except that she shifted again three weeks later . The second time she had shifted , she had become some kind of big cat . She couldn 't open the door of her closet to see her mirror , so she had no idea what kind . She called her father the next morning in tears , telling him that she was afraid of what might happen next . Her father told her that she would get control over it . That it took him time to understand when the changes were coming . The next time , she became a bear , and destroyed most of her house through sheer clumsiness , and left the bed covered in scat . When she woke in the morning , she was disgusted . She balled all the sheets up and got rid of them . Slowly she became more and more isolated . She was fired from her job for being unreliable . And it became difficult to get by with so little money , especially when she kept destroying her furniture during transformations . At first , Darla took temp jobs , driving into the city for the work , but she kept getting fired for having to leave , or simply disappearing during the day . Luckily the worst thing she had become in an office was a ferret , but she began to have panic attacks at the thought of being caught out . After a time , she limited herself to freelance , conducting her work completely over email . Even though she rarely left home , changing was still dangerous . The scratches on her arms had no doubt come from a fight with a coyote that she 'd had the night before . She 'd startled it rifling through a dumpster and it had gone for her throat . She 'd managed to defend herself , some sort of instinct kicking in . When she 'd finally limped back home , running through the doggy door she 'd installed for herself just in case , she 'd curled up on the floor and fallen asleep immediately . " That guy is back , the one with the fake prescriptions ? " Maya is a sweet kid , but I have no idea how she got the idea that she could intern at a clinic . She is a pretty girl , impeccably dressed , with straightened blond hair and flawless makeup . She only started three weeks ago , but even perfect makeup can 't hide the bags that are beginning to form under eyes . The problem is she 's too idealistic ; kids like her always have a savior complex . I hate that grad schools can just send do - gooders with no real life experience my way , especially ones with Vineyard Vines bags and diamond earrings . But I have to take what I can get with such a small budget . Dozer is well known at the clinic . He 's been incarcerated at least four times on possession , once with an 8 - ball , and three times for selling Oxycontin . His latest thing is getting fake prescriptions , not just for Oxy , but for anything he can get his hands on . The thing is , he is the most charming man when he is high . Helpful . Thoughtful . It 's only when he comes down that he gets nasty . He gets shakes , throws things , and screams at park benches . An all around nasty character . Maya self - consciously adjusts her J - Crew button down shirt and I realize I 've been staring at her . " So what 's the problem ? " I ask . Dozer frequently checks in with us for a one night stay at the insistence of his sister , who has been trying to get him clean for two years . It 's a pretty typical . " Alright , I 'll handle it . Can you finish filing this month 's intakes in the front office then ? " She nods and scurries off , seeming relieved that I have absolved her of the dirty work . " How 's it going Dozer ? " I hold out my hand , and he grabs it , pumping it up and down in a strong handshake . His hands are rough and dry . " Book me for two weeks this time , " he says , grinning . " I want the whole shebang . " It looks like he shaved recently , and poorly . He missed a strip near his left ear , and cut himself on the chin . " Came by myself this time , see . I gotta get clean . " Dozer twitches when I hand him the forms . His sister usually fills them out for him , and I have no idea if he actually knows the information . " No ! " He grabs my arm and pushes it away , then immediately jumps back looking ashamed , holding his hands palm up in front of him . Maya looks terrified . She rolled her chair back against the wall when he put his hands on me , and I can 't help but feel a sting of annoyance . " Sorry Doc , but I gotta do this one myself . I found out I 've got a baby on the way and I 've gotta get my act together or she won 't let me see it . " I 'm sure if he 's talking about his sister , or the baby 's mother , but it 's more important to get him checked in . Dozer crosses his arms , hugging himself . I can see Maya slowly begin to reach back for the files . " Alright , why don 't we get you settled , we can deal with this later , " I say . Dozer relaxes a little . I have all his information on file anyway . I set Dozer up with a bed , and schedule his first round of appointments . Then I go back to the front office to find Maya , but she isn 't there . I look around for awhile and finally find her outside , taking long drags of a cigarette . She 's trembling , the cigarette shaking perceptibly between her fingers . I didn 't know she smoked . I 'm kind of surprised . " Who , Dozer ? " I ask . She nods . " Maybe . If he has a reason to , he might this time . His track record 's not great … " I notice that her shoulders have begun to shake a little , and finally it hits me . " Who was it for you ? " I ask , trying to seem gentle . She looks up at me , tears falling from her pretty green eyes , and her breath catches . " My mom , " she says . " None of us knew for so long , because she was home during the day . " She pauses , " My dad was super pissed when he found out . " " It was prescription for her . Vicodin . My dad found a little stash of bottles in one of her shoeboxes . " She stops talking and takes a deep drag on her cigarette . I notice that she is using the past tense , and wait . If it 's past tense , the story only has two outcomes ; recovery or death . Maya continues , " My dad had her in and out of treatment for the last eight years . She 'd get better and then relapse , even at the smallest things . Like she was doing great for six months , and then she hit a squirrel while she was driving my brother to school , and that was it . She was back on it for another year . " She looks at me and I find myself nodding along to the story . " I even went to college late because I wanted to be home with her … " She fiddles with her thumb ring again , her cigarette is almost burned down to the filter . " She 's clean now , I guess , " she continues , and I release the breath I hadn 't realized I was holding . " But you 're always waiting for the other shoe to drop , you know ? " Maya asks . She looks at me beseechingly . " I know it 's pretty cliché , but I thought , maybe if I figured out how to do this for other people … " She trails off . We 're both quiet for a bit . " Do you still want to do this ? " I finally ask . Maya is silent for awhile before she answers . " Yes , " she says . " Yes , I think it 's important . " When I was pregnant , it never occurred to me that my kid might come out an asshole . I was shy in school , read above my grade level , got picked on a lot . I avoided kids like Mitchell like the plague . Brian , my husband , is as nerdy as I am . He 's a little Jewish guy , was picked last for every team in gym class , studied photography in college . He 's a gentle soul . And our kid , somehow the kid that we two nerds made together , is a loud , large , brash little devil who thinks it 's perfectly acceptable to walk up to a girl on the playground and tell her she smells . Just my luck . I 'm not sure where he 's getting it from . He only watches age - appropriate tv shows ; I 'm very strict about media consumption . And Brian reads to him every night . We 've read all the parenting books . And I mean all of the parenting books . Our Amazon account suggestions are only for books about raising children . When I get to the school , Mitchell is sitting outside of the classroom . He insisted on dressing himself this morning , and is wearing a Star Wars t - shirt that is a little too small for him now , jeans , and the vest from his cowboy costume . If he had a mullet and a cigarette he would look just like the delinquents that I used to go to school with . He sees me in the hallway and has the decency to look ashamed . " Hi Mitchell , " I say , squatting down next to him . Brian promised to meet me here , but he texted to say he is running late , he needs to finish editing some project . Mitchell crosses his arm and pouts at me . I can see myself in his face , especially around the nose . We both have ski jump noses , they turn up at the end . " I 'm going in to talk to Ms . Barrowman , and then we are going to go home , and you are going right to bed with no dinner . You need to think about what you 've done . " He leans back in the chair and I leave him there , preparing to make my apologies yet again to the poor harried Ms . Barrowman . Later that day , after Brian and I have finally wrestled Mitchell into bed despite his protests and tears , I decide to call my mother . It 's been hard for me to admit that we 've had so much trouble with Mitchell . We had to fight so hard to have him that I feel like it 's disloyal of me to say anything bad about him . " Difficult like a normal five year old , or something else ? " She asks carefully . She knows I have been fiercely defensive of everything we do with Mitchell . Everything I 've been holding back for the past few months suddenly comes pouring out . " He 's a jerk , " I sob , as my mother immediately begins to make soothing voices through the phone . " He 's a bully and the other kids hate him . He pushed a little girl on the playground so hard that she skinned her hands ! And he stole another kid 's book . And I don 't know what we 're doing wrong because Brian and I were picked on and it feels really shitty not to like your own kid ! " At this point my mother goes from soothing me to chuckling . " Oh lord , the trouble you put me through . You used to beat up the boys on the playground , and steal their legos . And the girls were all afraid of you , you were such a tomboy . But you grew out of it eventually . " " It 's going to be okay honey . You and Brian are good parents and Mitchell is going through a phase . A crappy , awful phase that you 're going to have to work like hell to get him out of , but you grew up to be a pretty amazing person despite the fact that I wanted to give you away when you were his age . " " So apparently I was a nasty kid , " I say , sipping my wine . It is a little vinegary , but not too bad . Brian strokes my hair . " Anyway , " Brian continues , " Mitchell came out and gave me this while you were on the phone with your Mom . " He hands me a folded piece of notebook paper with a stick figure of a man crying on the front . I open it and inside , in barely legible writing , Mitchell has written " SORYY . " And thinking about it , I actually believe that he means it . |
I wandered around the main city for hours , seeing strangers , window shopping , and following bus routes on foot to get the lay of the land . I was pretty beat when I got back to the hostel that night . I had just crashed on my bed , eyes heavy , when a familiar voice called out , " Hey ! " It was Ken , wondering if I wanted to go hang with him , Harry and Vicki at a hookah bar . I shook the cobwebs out of my head and agreed immediately . The two of us went outside to catch a late night bus , and in no time , we were at our destination . All four of us met up in a cozy suburban alley between two normal looking houses . The lights were off in both of them , but there were streetlights that provided more than enough light to look around . After a bunch of hellos , hugs and handshakes , we all went down some stairs that led to the basement of one of the houses . Inside , we were in a dark room that was occupied by a number of locals . Everything was very calm there , though there was an undercurrent of hushed excitement , and a sweet smell in the air . The four of us took a seat , and Harry told us that the last time he had come to this place , he had toked from an incredibly smooth hookah , and that he wanted to get the same one again . The only problem was that he didn 't know the word for " base " in the local language to ask for the " hookah with the wide base " to get it again . Coincidentally enough , that was one of several hundred " simple " words I had memorized in the previous few weeks . I told him the word , the whole table cheered , and soon enough , a local girl came up to us and asked us what we wanted . Harry told her about the special pipe , and off she went to bring it to us . In the meantime , we had a conversation about race , or more specifically , which combinations of race and gender were considered the most attractive to the world 's population . It was only discussing other people 's perceptions on the issue , not our own , so it wasn 't that serious . When the hookah showed up , I started to have an even better time . I had only ever smoked cigarettes and a single cigar in my entire life , so when I took my first toke of that thing , I was absolutely amazed by how smooth the hit was . The taste was shockingly sweet and good , the smoke didn 't burn at all , and it tasted even better on the way out . It was , literally , the best smoke I 've ever had in my life . I must have been making a mild " O " face at that point , because everyone at the table snickered and congratulated me on my obvious first toke of a hookah pipe . From then on , it was a relaxing night of hit after hit , topic after topic . Harry told us all about an excellent banking job he had lined up for himself in America . Vicky told us about some missionary work she was doing for the locals . Ken and I joked about our trip to the beach , about me getting tossed into the water , and how everyone except me had been attacked by jellyfish . We also discussed whether we would date any of the local girls . Ken said that if it happened , it happened , and he didn 't award or take away points for where a girl came from . I felt the same : a woman 's heart was the most important to me , and her birthplace was just an interesting point . After a while , we all split the bill , then headed back up outside to go home . Ken and I took a taxi back to the hostel , and on the way there , he got into a conversation with the driver . Thanks to Ken 's polite questions and inquisitive mind , I learned the local word for " seatbelt " that night . In no time , he and I were back home . We took showers , complimented the great taste of the hookah through our respective curtains , dried up , said good night , then went off to bed . That was a real turning point of a night for me and my friends . It was the last time I ever saw Harry , because he was leaving the country pretty soon after that . Ken and Vicky ended up getting together less than 24 hours later at her apartment , and the two of them became a bit too busy to hang with me much more . As for me , I didn 't let a few goodbyes slow me down , even though I was sad to see my friends leaving . I still got to see Ken and Vicky one more time , when they came by for my party in Then and Now 4 before they finally left the country for good a bit later . I really didn 't care . It 's hard for me to get excited about having that much money , or being penalized for this or that , knowing that almost every last bill in my wallet is going to pay for some sort of family expense . That money might as well have been pocket lint . And that got me thinking . . . how did it come to this ? Of course it 's because I got married , but how did so many things go so wrong , so quickly ? There had to be some kind of common thread running through all the things I gave up to take care of my family . My freedom , my time , my money . . . all that stuff left at the same time , so they had to be connected somehow . And slowly but surely , I finally understood what it was that I gave up that bound all of these things together : it was my strength . What is freedom , if not the ability to choose your path in life , work hard for what you want , and deal with the consequences through your own strength ? In addition , money is power , time is untapped potential to express yourself , and adventure , dating and charity also require indomitable will . When I married , I gave up my strength so I could protect and care for those close to me . I compromise because my wife and I , while similar in many respects , are different people . To do what I want would mean forcing her to do things she doesn 't want to do , things which aren 't possible with family life anyway . And even traveling a bit a week or hanging with a friend or two makes no difference , because no amount of anything ever returns my old life to me . I sacrifice because my son needs me to be there for him , and to do what I want would mean spending little time with him . I don 't want to give up power over my life and my dreams , but I must . It wasn 't always like this . Back in my unmarried days , I was a true man : I took charge , was a leader , experienced new things , cultivated charisma and maintained a powerful attitude of perseverance . I went out and tried new things , and did what I wanted to do . More importantly , though , I combined being a confident beast with honor during my unmarried time . I did what I wanted , but I also stepped on no toes and hurt no person as I enjoyed my life . Now , for the sake of my family , I have become a workhorse loser by suppressing that part of me who follows his dreams , and letting go of my ability to choose my own path in life . I have returned to the life coasting , order following , goalless complacent boy I used to be . So now , because I 'm left without the ability to pursue my goals , or even have much of a say in what I do with my everyday life , an old , shameful feeling has bubbled to the surface once more . Jealousy walked with me every day of my depressed time , and largely manifested as my stomach feeling like it was tied in knots when I saw other people enjoying what I wanted . I never felt it after I went abroad and those two lost weeks went by . Yes , I saw men with things I wanted , but I never felt like taking anything from them . I never considered another man 's property , experiences or relationships anything more than inspiration for me to work harder and better my own life . As a married man , though , I find myself in the same position as I was in my depressed time . For example , I still see foreigners every day . Four years ago , they would have been potential friends . Now , they 're just constant reminders of what I gave up , and will never again have , in my life . They have the power to go out and enjoy life when they want ; I don 't . They have the power to change and become whoever they want to be ; I don 't . Every time I see other men out with their beautiful , smiling girlfriends , riding around town with their friends , drinking at a bar , or just hear them telling stories of the great weekend they just had , I feel like someone just punched me in the gut . I can 't stop thinking about how I used to be these guys , and I can 't forget that I 'm never going to experience that young , free , powerful kind of life again . Similarly , when I was in my depressed years , I hated Alphas and anything like them : CEOs , the police , the rich , America , guys with girlfriends , if they had strength , I hated them . It wasn 't just people who abused their power that I hated , either : it was anybody stronger than I was . When I walked by men with beautiful girlfriends , I seethed . Who is this pop - collared loser with that hot girl ? I would think . I deserve her more than he does ! But now , nothing I do can improve my life . And those thoughts I had about frat boys with girlfriends in college ? Now they come to me regarding foreign men here , who have hot girlfriends , make lots of money and have fun , and all the while not even making a token effort to experience the local culture or learn the local language , and instead spend their time bar hopping , clubbing , going to the beach , eating at McDonald 's and drinking at Starbucks . . . the same things they did back home . I don 't know what 's more striking : the similarity between my current thoughts about other foreigners and my old thoughts about frat boys , or how self - destructive and useless these thoughts are in the first place . I fight these thoughts every day , and I would change my life to keep them from coming in the first place , but I 'm married . All I can do now is struggle to keep them from taking root . And all of this is connected to my video game addiction . How could I go from playing video games twelve hours a day as a depressed boy , to playing them a few hours a day abroad , to having them boxed up and ready to sell because I felt I didn 't need them anymore , to the man I am today ? The one who hoards games and plays them by the dozens every year ? The answer , again , is strength . I have limited power over everything in my life : money , work , sex , chores , time . . . and everything requires at least some kind of approval of my capricious wife . But compare this to before I got married , where I answered to nobody but my boss , who paid me for my time , and my honor . Video games are the last shred of power I have over my married life . Yes , they 're not real , and yes , I realize that . But without them , I would have no control over any part of my life , no matter how illusory . I save the lives of imaginary people and explore imaginary worlds not because I believe they exist in an alternate dimension or anything , but because when I play video games , I can forget for just an hour or two a day that I have no power over anything else . What was once a surrogate parent became a hobby , then an obsession , then something I no longer needed , and finally came back to filling a void in my life . Truthfully , if there 's one " benefit " I 've received from losing all of my strength to marriage , it 's that I no longer have any fear . Aside from serious things happening to my family , like assault , rape , a car accident , kidnapping , drugs , murder or something similar , I don 't really care . My entire life feels like a derivative , unsurprising , ( barely ) interactive movie that just keeps going on and on . After nearly four years of this , very few things even feel real . My boss is yelling at me for something stupid . So ? My wife and mother - in - law don 't do it as much now , but it 's been a week since either of them popped , so one of them is due to go off any day now . Only 5797 days to go , and I 'm free . So ? By then I 'll be in my late fourties , and life 's pretty much over then anyway . And I 'll still be married , which means my wife may end up too unhealthy or uninterested to follow me on my travels around the world , so I 'll probably just end up buying a house with her and waiting around in it for a decade or three to die . Before I got married , people begged me to take jobs that I applied for . Strangers approached me every day wanting to get to know me . Friends ( including my wife ) literally apologized to me for the slightest mistake , because they didn 't want to risk losing me as a friend . I helped others through my words , my money and my work . I was thanked , trusted and honored in return for my efforts , but even when I received nothing , it didn 't matter to me . I helped people where I could because I wanted to , and when my work was done , I was off to do something adventurous to make myself even happier . And all of this was possible because I was an amazing , powerful human being who tempered that strength with honor . Now , people walk by me without a second glance . Nobody needlessly apologizes to me ; they expect apologies of me . Nobody cleans up my messes or buys me gifts out of the blue ; they get those things from me . All I do is work , sacrifice and compromise . People still make use of my efforts , but not only is my work usually not rewarded ( or even recognized ) , but I don 't have that personal strength to go off and do something I want to do to balance it all out . My life is a cycle of working for others and sitting around , with my desires forever pushed back or outright shut down by the needs of my family . The vast bulk of my life is a wash , and it doesn 't matter if good or bad things happen to me . Whether I solve a problem in my life or not , whether I get this or that monkey off of my back or not , things will just keep decaying or outright falling apart , and I 'll spend the rest of my life cleaning up other people 's messes . I won 't be going back to the man I was , no matter what I do , and no matter how hard I try . And all of this is because I gave up all of my strength when I married . One day off from work , I decided to go out into town and see something that wasn 't on my subway map . I don 't remember where the stop was , but it 's to be expected because I just picked a random place to go to , one that clearly had no touristy places labeled next to or around it . I knew something had to be there , and I was going to find out what . . . so after I got dressed and spiked my hair , I took a quick bus to the subway station to see what I could see that day . The alley was lined on both sides with short apartment buildings . Laundry hung outside to dry here and there , some of the locals ' doors were open to let the heat out and a breeze in , and I even saw a few people watching TV inside their cozy places . I passed by an older lady , and though she gave me a bit of a stare as I passed , I just half - grinned at her and kept on my way . I walked for a while down this alleyway and past several dozen more tiny apartment complexes , and when they were all behind me , my journey continued down a non - descript road filled with zooming cars . It was a peaceful walk , and though there wasn 't much to see , I was still satisfied that I could cross this stop off my list , and turn around to go back to the subway station to see one of the last few things that was labeled on my map . But at that moment , off in the distance , I saw a two - story temple erupting out from behind a gas station in front of me . I figured I might as well head over to see what was what before I headed back . It was beautifully decorated , and for a temple of its massive size , it was almost completely deserted . There were a few locals here and there praying , but for the most part , I was almost completely alone . I wandered around quietly so as not to disturb my spiritual neighbors , then went up a flight of stairs that led around the back part of the temple . From up there , I could see that I was pretty close to the ocean , and I saw a beautiful sight that some other buildings had obscured before : there was a biking and jogging trail that cut between the lapping waves of the ocean , and the thick grasses of a forested plain that waved in the breeze . Having seen the beauty of the temple , I decided it was time to go natural and see the trail . But as I was leaving the temple , I heard a familiar music beat . It had been a while since I had heard this song , but once I had followed it to its source and it was loud enough , I placed it immediately : it was " The Man with the Machine Gun " from the soundtrack for Final Fantasy 8 , my favorite video game of all time . I snickered and wondered why they 'd be playing this song at a temple of all places . The song was coming from an arm of the temple , way off to the side , so I walked over to it and peeked in . The arm was a long and tall , but quite narrow , hallway that led back into the internals of the temple . The song was being piped in through a PA system above me , and on both sides of this narrow arm were several centerpieces featuring elaborately designed scenes , where intricately carved dolls and puppets were positioned . From where I had come in to where the path led out , I saw that it showed the history of the country . Some of the pieces showed dolls fishing , others showed how the locals dealt with historic invaders and subsequent occupation , and the last one showed the country as it is today : a mix of old traditions and new culture and experiences . It was quite an amazing scene , something I never expected to accidentally stumble upon . When I had finished looking around , I left the temple and headed to the nature trail . There were several locals going up and down on bikes and on foot . With the temple behind me , to my right was the boundless , rolling ocean and several boats sailing upon it . To my left was a huge , absolutely massive field of tall grass , and a forest that semi - circled its way far , far behind it . I could see where the buildings that I had walked by before were originally blocking my view of this place , just to the side of the forest . As I walked down this peaceful trail with locals all around me , the ocean sent gust after gust of relaxing wind past me and through the grass . It was serene . The trail continued for about thirty minutes until I was skirting the forest itself . Eventually , I reached a T - intersection where the trail went straight towards some old houses , and left towards a massive canal . Amid the trees , I saw a couple of old , but cozy - looking , house - farms , and outside the one at the little intersection was a young local boy , who was drawing some pictures in the dirt . He looked up at me with mild surprise , then told me that I had to go left to get back to the subway station . I thanked him and moved on . So at this point , the sun was starting to set , and I was feeling a bit beat . I followed the edge of the forest for a very brief time until I found myself at the canal that I saw earlier . I walked along the left side , casting occasional glances to the right and into the ditch , and to the left at some more house - farms . The house - farms were amazingly beautiful . They were between me and the setting sun behind them , and the water where locals had planted submerged crops reflected the sun 's rays as glittering cyclones of orange and red . I passed several farms , and every time I drew next to them , the sunlight found another way to cast lazy shadows over the buildings , or come off of the water to meet my eye . The canal was interesting , too . It was mostly dry and empty , but in some places there were tiny pools of water where trapped fish were desperately swimming around . Around those little pools were local fishermen , relishing the easy catches that these fish had made of themselves , and pulling them out to clean and sell at the market later . I admired their resourcefulness . It wasn 't long before I had walked all of the way back to the subway station . I was still pretty far from the stop that would take me home , so I decided to see just one more thing before I got there . On my map , there was very little left for me to see of the main city ( that was labeled , at least ) . But one of those things was a sports stadium , and it was on the way home , so when the car pulled up to its stop , I got off and took a walk to go see it . I didn 't know what I was expecting to see . I didn 't know if there was anybody playing that day , what sport they would be playing , or even if I had the interest to go to a game . When I rounded several corners around brightly lit local shops with flasing signs advertising their varied wares , I finally found myself face to face with the stadium . And . . . it was closed . I shook my head with a slight smile . Oh , no ! I thought to myself . It 's not going to end this way . So I just kept walking , looking for something amazing to end the trip with a bang . The roads around the stadium were huge , several lanes wide and covered in towering trees . It was night by then , and the streetlights seemed hardly enough to illuminate much more than a small circle of grass around them . It was eerie , and the perfect atmosphere for the final stop of my trip : an art museum . The place had just closed up , and one by one , the lights were going out in the windows . I rushed over as fast as I could to go see what I could see , which turned out to not be much : the lobby was one of the last places to shut down , and I saw a marble statue of a woman and a beautiful landscape painting before it , too , went dark . When the entire building was swallowed up by the night , it was then that I noticed some spotlights at the corners pointing up at the top of the museum . I smiled and nodded my head in amazement ; it looked like an unassailable fortress . I checked my subway map and noticed that this museum was also on my list of things to see , but I didn 't cross it or the stadium off the list . After all , I had barely seen either of them , so I couldn 't very well say that I had the full stadium or museum experience . Shortly after , I was on the train heading home to a comfortable bed . That was one of , if not the , last time I ever traveled as an unmarried man before my wife broke the news of her pregnancy . My old subway map is still in my memories box , and that stadium and museum still haven 't been checked off . Maybe when my son is old enough , he and my wife are interested , my wife and I are both not working , the weather 's not too bad and I have some money , I 'll get to see them . First , even though this has little to do with marriage , I can 't let what my best friend has done for me go unsaid . Were it not for him , I would never have had my time as an awesome , unmarried man . Back in my high school days , two really serious things went down in my life . In both of those times , I was a very , very short decision away from running away from home and probably ending up dead on the streets . Even the members of my family that weren 't the source of my pain weren 't enough to keep me from making that decision . I wasn 't all that close to anybody in my family until I was in college , and in my depressed , teenaged mind , they would all have been better off without me . It was my best friend that kept me from throwing it all away . It wasn 't just the fun times we had together , or the talks we had about life , or the unspoken support he offered me while I was still in America . He was my inspiration , my hero , even . All those things I mentioned about myself before I got married ( in my Freedom post ) were things that I was inspired to by my best friend : the charisma , the humor , the cool exterior , the passionate inside , they were all things I learned from him . He was those things , and I wanted to be him . Just knowing that there was hope , however slim , that I could come out of my depressed days and get to where he was in life , kept me from making that decision to run . My best friend was the first person to save my life . He kept me alive and living a life of hope , even in my darkest moments . I 'm eternally in his debt for what he has done for me . And because of him , I met the second person who saved my life , this time in college . It wasn 't a magical process for me to eradicate my depression . I tried so many things to get better : prayer , positive thinking , leaving school , magic , talking with people about my problems , complaining , ignoring my issues , asking girls on dates . . . but nothing worked . It was at that time that a girl , Leena , came into my life , and turned everything around . I didn 't know her that well at first ; she was just an acquaintance of my apartmentmate . We talked a bit , and I thought she was cute , but I didn 't bother getting to know her at first . But as she started coming around more and more , I felt less scared around her . And after a time , I started to lust after her . I thought she could be the girl who I not only slept with for the first time , but the girl who could fix my life for me . And yet , no matter how many times that fat , hairy , boring loser I was asked her out , she always said no . Go figure . It was my 21st birthday when it happened . I was on my way to work at a cafeteria on campus , and at the suicidal bottom of one of my depression waves that usually lasted for several hours before returning me to a steady unhappiness and unease . And out of nowhere , there she was . In this entire city - sized campus , she just happened to meet me right there . She saw that I wasn 't looking happy , and asked if I was ok . I don 't know why , but I just spilled my guts right there : my family , my depression , everything . Then she asked me a simple question . It was a question that broke through my exterior , sliced right through me and drove itself right into my soul . I would never be the same after she put it to me : The world spun . I was in absolute shock , and thoughts raced through my mind in a fraction of a second . Did I want to stop blaming others for my problems ? Did I want to take charge of my own life ? Did I want to change the person I was , and become someone completely different ? Would I take that responsibility on my shoulders , and stop coasting through life with a comfortable pain over an uncertain future ? No " if you 'll go on a date with me . " No " but I don 't want to spend ten years doing it . " No conditions , no negativity , just a simple , straight answer . That question focused my mind on fixing myself more than anything before . No longer would I be content to blame my family , or self - diagnosed illnesses that I didn 't have , for ruining my life . It was all on me from then on . Within the next year , I dug down deep within my heart and found all the reasons I was depressed . I focused all of my thinking away from depression or anger , and instead on confidence and forward - looking . I forgave or forgot everyone in my life that hurt me , and slowly formed my goal to be an honorable , married man ( that second goal would later ruin me ) , and never again stopped fighting for my happiness . It took me a week to stop feeling suicidal , a month for the worst of my depression to leave , three months for the bulk of it to be gone , and a year to destroy every last trace of it . And just five months after I made that pledge to Leena , I started dating my first girlfriend . After things fell through with my first and we mutually broke it off , I started working minimum wage jobs to support myself while I tried to find my goal in life . I knew who I wanted to be , but not what I wanted to do . I already mentioned before that my good bud got me to travel with him to this country , and that was what helped me to formulate my goal of going abroad and experiencing life . But to tell the truth , it wasn 't just him . Leena is originally from this country , and I wasn 't just going abroad to become a new man and live my new dream . That was the biggest reason , of course , but the other was that she moved back to this country just as my good bud asked me to travel with him . I wanted to be with her , so I came to see her . I started getting back into contact with Leena while I was still at my bud 's aunt 's place . We set up a time to meet through email , and Leena invited me and my bud to see one of the heads of her church , Daniel . I met and talked with him a lot in America , and I had no idea he lived so close to my bud 's aunt . So after I got the time all set up for us to meet , only a day or two went by before Leena and Daniel came to pick up my bud and I and take us to a vegetarian restaurant . When we got to the restaurant , I ate one little piece of everything in the shop , because there were just so many choices . Leena taught me how to say , " I ate one of everything " in the local language while I was at it . Daniel even came to my aid when I was showing off my up and coming skill at the local language . At one point , I said the word for " hotel " that I learned from the dictionary , then my bud started to bust my balls about how it was the wrong word . Daniel then took on the stern old uncle personality and told my bud that I was entirely correct , because I was talking about a certain kind of hotel . My bud smirked and shrugged his shoulders in surrender , and I beamed with pride . We talked and ate for about an hour before Daniel took us all home . And it was only a little bit after I moved to the hostel that I was able to set up a time for Leena and I to meet up again . A quick subway ride after I got her email , I saw the inimitable , intelligent beauty that was Leena once again . I think I blushed a bit there , but I kept my feelings in check . She took me past a bunch of shops to her friend 's house , where we all ate lunch together . I told jokes , shared stories of my experiences in her country , listened as they shared their religious beliefs with me , practiced my language skills , and played some games with their kids . Leena took me back to the subway about an hour later , and we met up with another of her friends and his family a few days later . It was much the same fun experience as my time with her first friend 's family , but I scared these people 's little girl on accident while I was playing ball with her . On yet another day , Leena took me on a trip up into the mountains to have a picnic with her and her friends . We all met up at the foot of the mountain and chatted for a bit , then loaded up in separate cars and drove up winding roads looking over amazing views of the forests and city below . When we neared the top , we all got out and took a healthy hike up for the rest of the trip . It was a hot day , and the road was covered in dirt from the mountains above . We also saw some wild , homeless dogs sleeping to the side . The picnic area was a very comfortable spot shaded by trees and at the foot of a very mild hill . It also had a communal barbecue grill for anyone to cook in . We ate so much food up there that I thought I would explode . Leena and I ate with a dozen of her friends , and families from all over the city . Everyone spoke in English that day out of respect for me and my ok skills , but I tried to converse in the local language when I could . I talked with Leena a lot , too , while we sat around in some trees . I knew she came back to take care of her sick father , so I listened as she simply ( and humbly ) just told me about the long hours at her job . When the day ended , we all went back down the mountain . But instead of going back to the hostel by myself , I went to an independent supermarket to pick up something healthy for Leena 's dad . I got a box of Special K , because I wasn 't sure if he could take vitamins or something stronger . I delivered this gift to her at our final meeting together , when I went to her church to meet more of her friends . We talked a lot about life and the importance of helping others with her friends , and when I got Leena by herself , we discussed her parents , dreams and work , and also how much I had grown . After dinner , and meeting the head of her church ( a nice old guy with a lot of stories to tell ) , Leena took me back outside to walk me to the subway station . And it was there that I made my move . I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner with me sometime . She asked , " As a date ? " so I said yes . She got quiet for a bit , then said that she had to think about it , because she was so busy working and taking care of her father . I held out the optimistic thought that she actually meant what she said , but truth be told , I 've heard the " I 'm not all that into you , but I don 't know how to let you down without hurting you " response enough times to know that that 's what I was getting . Still , I didn 't let her response get me down . Two days later , I woke up in the hostel with the morning sun settled just behind some high rises far to the east , and in my hand was my cellphone . Since some time had passed , I thought Leena had had enough time to think , so I was going to call her and get her final response . I dialed , pressed the phone to my ear , and was ready to date her . I smiled , still looking outside . " Hey , Leena ! " I replied . " Listen , I 'm sorry for putting you on the spot that night . I know you 're really busy taking care of your father and working so hard , and I shouldn 't have bugged you about a date . " " Yep . Don 't worry about what I said , " I replied , " just concentrate on your family for now . That 's the most important thing . " I let her go . We had two different paths to follow in life , and while hers took her down the road of support for her family , I had a world to explore . Looking out of that window , I knew that life was an adventure , and the only person who could see me through to experience it was myself . That 's what the two people who saved my life taught me . |
I wandered around the main city for hours , seeing strangers , window shopping , and following bus routes on foot to get the lay of the land . I was pretty beat when I got back to the hostel that night . I had just crashed on my bed , eyes heavy , when a familiar voice called out , " Hey ! " It was Ken , wondering if I wanted to go hang with him , Harry and Vicki at a hookah bar . I shook the cobwebs out of my head and agreed immediately . The two of us went outside to catch a late night bus , and in no time , we were at our destination . All four of us met up in a cozy suburban alley between two normal looking houses . The lights were off in both of them , but there were streetlights that provided more than enough light to look around . After a bunch of hellos , hugs and handshakes , we all went down some stairs that led to the basement of one of the houses . Inside , we were in a dark room that was occupied by a number of locals . Everything was very calm there , though there was an undercurrent of hushed excitement , and a sweet smell in the air . The four of us took a seat , and Harry told us that the last time he had come to this place , he had toked from an incredibly smooth hookah , and that he wanted to get the same one again . The only problem was that he didn 't know the word for " base " in the local language to ask for the " hookah with the wide base " to get it again . Coincidentally enough , that was one of several hundred " simple " words I had memorized in the previous few weeks . I told him the word , the whole table cheered , and soon enough , a local girl came up to us and asked us what we wanted . Harry told her about the special pipe , and off she went to bring it to us . In the meantime , we had a conversation about race , or more specifically , which combinations of race and gender were considered the most attractive to the world 's population . It was only discussing other people 's perceptions on the issue , not our own , so it wasn 't that serious . When the hookah showed up , I started to have an even better time . I had only ever smoked cigarettes and a single cigar in my entire life , so when I took my first toke of that thing , I was absolutely amazed by how smooth the hit was . The taste was shockingly sweet and good , the smoke didn 't burn at all , and it tasted even better on the way out . It was , literally , the best smoke I 've ever had in my life . I must have been making a mild " O " face at that point , because everyone at the table snickered and congratulated me on my obvious first toke of a hookah pipe . From then on , it was a relaxing night of hit after hit , topic after topic . Harry told us all about an excellent banking job he had lined up for himself in America . Vicky told us about some missionary work she was doing for the locals . Ken and I joked about our trip to the beach , about me getting tossed into the water , and how everyone except me had been attacked by jellyfish . We also discussed whether we would date any of the local girls . Ken said that if it happened , it happened , and he didn 't award or take away points for where a girl came from . I felt the same : a woman 's heart was the most important to me , and her birthplace was just an interesting point . After a while , we all split the bill , then headed back up outside to go home . Ken and I took a taxi back to the hostel , and on the way there , he got into a conversation with the driver . Thanks to Ken 's polite questions and inquisitive mind , I learned the local word for " seatbelt " that night . In no time , he and I were back home . We took showers , complimented the great taste of the hookah through our respective curtains , dried up , said good night , then went off to bed . That was a real turning point of a night for me and my friends . It was the last time I ever saw Harry , because he was leaving the country pretty soon after that . Ken and Vicky ended up getting together less than 24 hours later at her apartment , and the two of them became a bit too busy to hang with me much more . As for me , I didn 't let a few goodbyes slow me down , even though I was sad to see my friends leaving . I still got to see Ken and Vicky one more time , when they came by for my party in Then and Now 4 before they finally left the country for good a bit later . I really didn 't care . It 's hard for me to get excited about having that much money , or being penalized for this or that , knowing that almost every last bill in my wallet is going to pay for some sort of family expense . That money might as well have been pocket lint . And that got me thinking . . . how did it come to this ? Of course it 's because I got married , but how did so many things go so wrong , so quickly ? There had to be some kind of common thread running through all the things I gave up to take care of my family . My freedom , my time , my money . . . all that stuff left at the same time , so they had to be connected somehow . And slowly but surely , I finally understood what it was that I gave up that bound all of these things together : it was my strength . What is freedom , if not the ability to choose your path in life , work hard for what you want , and deal with the consequences through your own strength ? In addition , money is power , time is untapped potential to express yourself , and adventure , dating and charity also require indomitable will . When I married , I gave up my strength so I could protect and care for those close to me . I compromise because my wife and I , while similar in many respects , are different people . To do what I want would mean forcing her to do things she doesn 't want to do , things which aren 't possible with family life anyway . And even traveling a bit a week or hanging with a friend or two makes no difference , because no amount of anything ever returns my old life to me . I sacrifice because my son needs me to be there for him , and to do what I want would mean spending little time with him . I don 't want to give up power over my life and my dreams , but I must . It wasn 't always like this . Back in my unmarried days , I was a true man : I took charge , was a leader , experienced new things , cultivated charisma and maintained a powerful attitude of perseverance . I went out and tried new things , and did what I wanted to do . More importantly , though , I combined being a confident beast with honor during my unmarried time . I did what I wanted , but I also stepped on no toes and hurt no person as I enjoyed my life . Now , for the sake of my family , I have become a workhorse loser by suppressing that part of me who follows his dreams , and letting go of my ability to choose my own path in life . I have returned to the life coasting , order following , goalless complacent boy I used to be . So now , because I 'm left without the ability to pursue my goals , or even have much of a say in what I do with my everyday life , an old , shameful feeling has bubbled to the surface once more . Jealousy walked with me every day of my depressed time , and largely manifested as my stomach feeling like it was tied in knots when I saw other people enjoying what I wanted . I never felt it after I went abroad and those two lost weeks went by . Yes , I saw men with things I wanted , but I never felt like taking anything from them . I never considered another man 's property , experiences or relationships anything more than inspiration for me to work harder and better my own life . As a married man , though , I find myself in the same position as I was in my depressed time . For example , I still see foreigners every day . Four years ago , they would have been potential friends . Now , they 're just constant reminders of what I gave up , and will never again have , in my life . They have the power to go out and enjoy life when they want ; I don 't . They have the power to change and become whoever they want to be ; I don 't . Every time I see other men out with their beautiful , smiling girlfriends , riding around town with their friends , drinking at a bar , or just hear them telling stories of the great weekend they just had , I feel like someone just punched me in the gut . I can 't stop thinking about how I used to be these guys , and I can 't forget that I 'm never going to experience that young , free , powerful kind of life again . Similarly , when I was in my depressed years , I hated Alphas and anything like them : CEOs , the police , the rich , America , guys with girlfriends , if they had strength , I hated them . It wasn 't just people who abused their power that I hated , either : it was anybody stronger than I was . When I walked by men with beautiful girlfriends , I seethed . Who is this pop - collared loser with that hot girl ? I would think . I deserve her more than he does ! But now , nothing I do can improve my life . And those thoughts I had about frat boys with girlfriends in college ? Now they come to me regarding foreign men here , who have hot girlfriends , make lots of money and have fun , and all the while not even making a token effort to experience the local culture or learn the local language , and instead spend their time bar hopping , clubbing , going to the beach , eating at McDonald 's and drinking at Starbucks . . . the same things they did back home . I don 't know what 's more striking : the similarity between my current thoughts about other foreigners and my old thoughts about frat boys , or how self - destructive and useless these thoughts are in the first place . I fight these thoughts every day , and I would change my life to keep them from coming in the first place , but I 'm married . All I can do now is struggle to keep them from taking root . And all of this is connected to my video game addiction . How could I go from playing video games twelve hours a day as a depressed boy , to playing them a few hours a day abroad , to having them boxed up and ready to sell because I felt I didn 't need them anymore , to the man I am today ? The one who hoards games and plays them by the dozens every year ? The answer , again , is strength . I have limited power over everything in my life : money , work , sex , chores , time . . . and everything requires at least some kind of approval of my capricious wife . But compare this to before I got married , where I answered to nobody but my boss , who paid me for my time , and my honor . Video games are the last shred of power I have over my married life . Yes , they 're not real , and yes , I realize that . But without them , I would have no control over any part of my life , no matter how illusory . I save the lives of imaginary people and explore imaginary worlds not because I believe they exist in an alternate dimension or anything , but because when I play video games , I can forget for just an hour or two a day that I have no power over anything else . What was once a surrogate parent became a hobby , then an obsession , then something I no longer needed , and finally came back to filling a void in my life . Truthfully , if there 's one " benefit " I 've received from losing all of my strength to marriage , it 's that I no longer have any fear . Aside from serious things happening to my family , like assault , rape , a car accident , kidnapping , drugs , murder or something similar , I don 't really care . My entire life feels like a derivative , unsurprising , ( barely ) interactive movie that just keeps going on and on . After nearly four years of this , very few things even feel real . My boss is yelling at me for something stupid . So ? My wife and mother - in - law don 't do it as much now , but it 's been a week since either of them popped , so one of them is due to go off any day now . Only 5797 days to go , and I 'm free . So ? By then I 'll be in my late fourties , and life 's pretty much over then anyway . And I 'll still be married , which means my wife may end up too unhealthy or uninterested to follow me on my travels around the world , so I 'll probably just end up buying a house with her and waiting around in it for a decade or three to die . Before I got married , people begged me to take jobs that I applied for . Strangers approached me every day wanting to get to know me . Friends ( including my wife ) literally apologized to me for the slightest mistake , because they didn 't want to risk losing me as a friend . I helped others through my words , my money and my work . I was thanked , trusted and honored in return for my efforts , but even when I received nothing , it didn 't matter to me . I helped people where I could because I wanted to , and when my work was done , I was off to do something adventurous to make myself even happier . And all of this was possible because I was an amazing , powerful human being who tempered that strength with honor . Now , people walk by me without a second glance . Nobody needlessly apologizes to me ; they expect apologies of me . Nobody cleans up my messes or buys me gifts out of the blue ; they get those things from me . All I do is work , sacrifice and compromise . People still make use of my efforts , but not only is my work usually not rewarded ( or even recognized ) , but I don 't have that personal strength to go off and do something I want to do to balance it all out . My life is a cycle of working for others and sitting around , with my desires forever pushed back or outright shut down by the needs of my family . The vast bulk of my life is a wash , and it doesn 't matter if good or bad things happen to me . Whether I solve a problem in my life or not , whether I get this or that monkey off of my back or not , things will just keep decaying or outright falling apart , and I 'll spend the rest of my life cleaning up other people 's messes . I won 't be going back to the man I was , no matter what I do , and no matter how hard I try . And all of this is because I gave up all of my strength when I married . One day off from work , I decided to go out into town and see something that wasn 't on my subway map . I don 't remember where the stop was , but it 's to be expected because I just picked a random place to go to , one that clearly had no touristy places labeled next to or around it . I knew something had to be there , and I was going to find out what . . . so after I got dressed and spiked my hair , I took a quick bus to the subway station to see what I could see that day . The alley was lined on both sides with short apartment buildings . Laundry hung outside to dry here and there , some of the locals ' doors were open to let the heat out and a breeze in , and I even saw a few people watching TV inside their cozy places . I passed by an older lady , and though she gave me a bit of a stare as I passed , I just half - grinned at her and kept on my way . I walked for a while down this alleyway and past several dozen more tiny apartment complexes , and when they were all behind me , my journey continued down a non - descript road filled with zooming cars . It was a peaceful walk , and though there wasn 't much to see , I was still satisfied that I could cross this stop off my list , and turn around to go back to the subway station to see one of the last few things that was labeled on my map . But at that moment , off in the distance , I saw a two - story temple erupting out from behind a gas station in front of me . I figured I might as well head over to see what was what before I headed back . It was beautifully decorated , and for a temple of its massive size , it was almost completely deserted . There were a few locals here and there praying , but for the most part , I was almost completely alone . I wandered around quietly so as not to disturb my spiritual neighbors , then went up a flight of stairs that led around the back part of the temple . From up there , I could see that I was pretty close to the ocean , and I saw a beautiful sight that some other buildings had obscured before : there was a biking and jogging trail that cut between the lapping waves of the ocean , and the thick grasses of a forested plain that waved in the breeze . Having seen the beauty of the temple , I decided it was time to go natural and see the trail . But as I was leaving the temple , I heard a familiar music beat . It had been a while since I had heard this song , but once I had followed it to its source and it was loud enough , I placed it immediately : it was " The Man with the Machine Gun " from the soundtrack for Final Fantasy 8 , my favorite video game of all time . I snickered and wondered why they 'd be playing this song at a temple of all places . The song was coming from an arm of the temple , way off to the side , so I walked over to it and peeked in . The arm was a long and tall , but quite narrow , hallway that led back into the internals of the temple . The song was being piped in through a PA system above me , and on both sides of this narrow arm were several centerpieces featuring elaborately designed scenes , where intricately carved dolls and puppets were positioned . From where I had come in to where the path led out , I saw that it showed the history of the country . Some of the pieces showed dolls fishing , others showed how the locals dealt with historic invaders and subsequent occupation , and the last one showed the country as it is today : a mix of old traditions and new culture and experiences . It was quite an amazing scene , something I never expected to accidentally stumble upon . When I had finished looking around , I left the temple and headed to the nature trail . There were several locals going up and down on bikes and on foot . With the temple behind me , to my right was the boundless , rolling ocean and several boats sailing upon it . To my left was a huge , absolutely massive field of tall grass , and a forest that semi - circled its way far , far behind it . I could see where the buildings that I had walked by before were originally blocking my view of this place , just to the side of the forest . As I walked down this peaceful trail with locals all around me , the ocean sent gust after gust of relaxing wind past me and through the grass . It was serene . The trail continued for about thirty minutes until I was skirting the forest itself . Eventually , I reached a T - intersection where the trail went straight towards some old houses , and left towards a massive canal . Amid the trees , I saw a couple of old , but cozy - looking , house - farms , and outside the one at the little intersection was a young local boy , who was drawing some pictures in the dirt . He looked up at me with mild surprise , then told me that I had to go left to get back to the subway station . I thanked him and moved on . So at this point , the sun was starting to set , and I was feeling a bit beat . I followed the edge of the forest for a very brief time until I found myself at the canal that I saw earlier . I walked along the left side , casting occasional glances to the right and into the ditch , and to the left at some more house - farms . The house - farms were amazingly beautiful . They were between me and the setting sun behind them , and the water where locals had planted submerged crops reflected the sun 's rays as glittering cyclones of orange and red . I passed several farms , and every time I drew next to them , the sunlight found another way to cast lazy shadows over the buildings , or come off of the water to meet my eye . The canal was interesting , too . It was mostly dry and empty , but in some places there were tiny pools of water where trapped fish were desperately swimming around . Around those little pools were local fishermen , relishing the easy catches that these fish had made of themselves , and pulling them out to clean and sell at the market later . I admired their resourcefulness . It wasn 't long before I had walked all of the way back to the subway station . I was still pretty far from the stop that would take me home , so I decided to see just one more thing before I got there . On my map , there was very little left for me to see of the main city ( that was labeled , at least ) . But one of those things was a sports stadium , and it was on the way home , so when the car pulled up to its stop , I got off and took a walk to go see it . I didn 't know what I was expecting to see . I didn 't know if there was anybody playing that day , what sport they would be playing , or even if I had the interest to go to a game . When I rounded several corners around brightly lit local shops with flasing signs advertising their varied wares , I finally found myself face to face with the stadium . And . . . it was closed . I shook my head with a slight smile . Oh , no ! I thought to myself . It 's not going to end this way . So I just kept walking , looking for something amazing to end the trip with a bang . The roads around the stadium were huge , several lanes wide and covered in towering trees . It was night by then , and the streetlights seemed hardly enough to illuminate much more than a small circle of grass around them . It was eerie , and the perfect atmosphere for the final stop of my trip : an art museum . The place had just closed up , and one by one , the lights were going out in the windows . I rushed over as fast as I could to go see what I could see , which turned out to not be much : the lobby was one of the last places to shut down , and I saw a marble statue of a woman and a beautiful landscape painting before it , too , went dark . When the entire building was swallowed up by the night , it was then that I noticed some spotlights at the corners pointing up at the top of the museum . I smiled and nodded my head in amazement ; it looked like an unassailable fortress . I checked my subway map and noticed that this museum was also on my list of things to see , but I didn 't cross it or the stadium off the list . After all , I had barely seen either of them , so I couldn 't very well say that I had the full stadium or museum experience . Shortly after , I was on the train heading home to a comfortable bed . That was one of , if not the , last time I ever traveled as an unmarried man before my wife broke the news of her pregnancy . My old subway map is still in my memories box , and that stadium and museum still haven 't been checked off . Maybe when my son is old enough , he and my wife are interested , my wife and I are both not working , the weather 's not too bad and I have some money , I 'll get to see them . First , even though this has little to do with marriage , I can 't let what my best friend has done for me go unsaid . Were it not for him , I would never have had my time as an awesome , unmarried man . Back in my high school days , two really serious things went down in my life . In both of those times , I was a very , very short decision away from running away from home and probably ending up dead on the streets . Even the members of my family that weren 't the source of my pain weren 't enough to keep me from making that decision . I wasn 't all that close to anybody in my family until I was in college , and in my depressed , teenaged mind , they would all have been better off without me . It was my best friend that kept me from throwing it all away . It wasn 't just the fun times we had together , or the talks we had about life , or the unspoken support he offered me while I was still in America . He was my inspiration , my hero , even . All those things I mentioned about myself before I got married ( in my Freedom post ) were things that I was inspired to by my best friend : the charisma , the humor , the cool exterior , the passionate inside , they were all things I learned from him . He was those things , and I wanted to be him . Just knowing that there was hope , however slim , that I could come out of my depressed days and get to where he was in life , kept me from making that decision to run . My best friend was the first person to save my life . He kept me alive and living a life of hope , even in my darkest moments . I 'm eternally in his debt for what he has done for me . And because of him , I met the second person who saved my life , this time in college . It wasn 't a magical process for me to eradicate my depression . I tried so many things to get better : prayer , positive thinking , leaving school , magic , talking with people about my problems , complaining , ignoring my issues , asking girls on dates . . . but nothing worked . It was at that time that a girl , Leena , came into my life , and turned everything around . I didn 't know her that well at first ; she was just an acquaintance of my apartmentmate . We talked a bit , and I thought she was cute , but I didn 't bother getting to know her at first . But as she started coming around more and more , I felt less scared around her . And after a time , I started to lust after her . I thought she could be the girl who I not only slept with for the first time , but the girl who could fix my life for me . And yet , no matter how many times that fat , hairy , boring loser I was asked her out , she always said no . Go figure . It was my 21st birthday when it happened . I was on my way to work at a cafeteria on campus , and at the suicidal bottom of one of my depression waves that usually lasted for several hours before returning me to a steady unhappiness and unease . And out of nowhere , there she was . In this entire city - sized campus , she just happened to meet me right there . She saw that I wasn 't looking happy , and asked if I was ok . I don 't know why , but I just spilled my guts right there : my family , my depression , everything . Then she asked me a simple question . It was a question that broke through my exterior , sliced right through me and drove itself right into my soul . I would never be the same after she put it to me : The world spun . I was in absolute shock , and thoughts raced through my mind in a fraction of a second . Did I want to stop blaming others for my problems ? Did I want to take charge of my own life ? Did I want to change the person I was , and become someone completely different ? Would I take that responsibility on my shoulders , and stop coasting through life with a comfortable pain over an uncertain future ? No " if you 'll go on a date with me . " No " but I don 't want to spend ten years doing it . " No conditions , no negativity , just a simple , straight answer . That question focused my mind on fixing myself more than anything before . No longer would I be content to blame my family , or self - diagnosed illnesses that I didn 't have , for ruining my life . It was all on me from then on . Within the next year , I dug down deep within my heart and found all the reasons I was depressed . I focused all of my thinking away from depression or anger , and instead on confidence and forward - looking . I forgave or forgot everyone in my life that hurt me , and slowly formed my goal to be an honorable , married man ( that second goal would later ruin me ) , and never again stopped fighting for my happiness . It took me a week to stop feeling suicidal , a month for the worst of my depression to leave , three months for the bulk of it to be gone , and a year to destroy every last trace of it . And just five months after I made that pledge to Leena , I started dating my first girlfriend . After things fell through with my first and we mutually broke it off , I started working minimum wage jobs to support myself while I tried to find my goal in life . I knew who I wanted to be , but not what I wanted to do . I already mentioned before that my good bud got me to travel with him to this country , and that was what helped me to formulate my goal of going abroad and experiencing life . But to tell the truth , it wasn 't just him . Leena is originally from this country , and I wasn 't just going abroad to become a new man and live my new dream . That was the biggest reason , of course , but the other was that she moved back to this country just as my good bud asked me to travel with him . I wanted to be with her , so I came to see her . I started getting back into contact with Leena while I was still at my bud 's aunt 's place . We set up a time to meet through email , and Leena invited me and my bud to see one of the heads of her church , Daniel . I met and talked with him a lot in America , and I had no idea he lived so close to my bud 's aunt . So after I got the time all set up for us to meet , only a day or two went by before Leena and Daniel came to pick up my bud and I and take us to a vegetarian restaurant . When we got to the restaurant , I ate one little piece of everything in the shop , because there were just so many choices . Leena taught me how to say , " I ate one of everything " in the local language while I was at it . Daniel even came to my aid when I was showing off my up and coming skill at the local language . At one point , I said the word for " hotel " that I learned from the dictionary , then my bud started to bust my balls about how it was the wrong word . Daniel then took on the stern old uncle personality and told my bud that I was entirely correct , because I was talking about a certain kind of hotel . My bud smirked and shrugged his shoulders in surrender , and I beamed with pride . We talked and ate for about an hour before Daniel took us all home . And it was only a little bit after I moved to the hostel that I was able to set up a time for Leena and I to meet up again . A quick subway ride after I got her email , I saw the inimitable , intelligent beauty that was Leena once again . I think I blushed a bit there , but I kept my feelings in check . She took me past a bunch of shops to her friend 's house , where we all ate lunch together . I told jokes , shared stories of my experiences in her country , listened as they shared their religious beliefs with me , practiced my language skills , and played some games with their kids . Leena took me back to the subway about an hour later , and we met up with another of her friends and his family a few days later . It was much the same fun experience as my time with her first friend 's family , but I scared these people 's little girl on accident while I was playing ball with her . On yet another day , Leena took me on a trip up into the mountains to have a picnic with her and her friends . We all met up at the foot of the mountain and chatted for a bit , then loaded up in separate cars and drove up winding roads looking over amazing views of the forests and city below . When we neared the top , we all got out and took a healthy hike up for the rest of the trip . It was a hot day , and the road was covered in dirt from the mountains above . We also saw some wild , homeless dogs sleeping to the side . The picnic area was a very comfortable spot shaded by trees and at the foot of a very mild hill . It also had a communal barbecue grill for anyone to cook in . We ate so much food up there that I thought I would explode . Leena and I ate with a dozen of her friends , and families from all over the city . Everyone spoke in English that day out of respect for me and my ok skills , but I tried to converse in the local language when I could . I talked with Leena a lot , too , while we sat around in some trees . I knew she came back to take care of her sick father , so I listened as she simply ( and humbly ) just told me about the long hours at her job . When the day ended , we all went back down the mountain . But instead of going back to the hostel by myself , I went to an independent supermarket to pick up something healthy for Leena 's dad . I got a box of Special K , because I wasn 't sure if he could take vitamins or something stronger . I delivered this gift to her at our final meeting together , when I went to her church to meet more of her friends . We talked a lot about life and the importance of helping others with her friends , and when I got Leena by herself , we discussed her parents , dreams and work , and also how much I had grown . After dinner , and meeting the head of her church ( a nice old guy with a lot of stories to tell ) , Leena took me back outside to walk me to the subway station . And it was there that I made my move . I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner with me sometime . She asked , " As a date ? " so I said yes . She got quiet for a bit , then said that she had to think about it , because she was so busy working and taking care of her father . I held out the optimistic thought that she actually meant what she said , but truth be told , I 've heard the " I 'm not all that into you , but I don 't know how to let you down without hurting you " response enough times to know that that 's what I was getting . Still , I didn 't let her response get me down . Two days later , I woke up in the hostel with the morning sun settled just behind some high rises far to the east , and in my hand was my cellphone . Since some time had passed , I thought Leena had had enough time to think , so I was going to call her and get her final response . I dialed , pressed the phone to my ear , and was ready to date her . I smiled , still looking outside . " Hey , Leena ! " I replied . " Listen , I 'm sorry for putting you on the spot that night . I know you 're really busy taking care of your father and working so hard , and I shouldn 't have bugged you about a date . " " Yep . Don 't worry about what I said , " I replied , " just concentrate on your family for now . That 's the most important thing . " I let her go . We had two different paths to follow in life , and while hers took her down the road of support for her family , I had a world to explore . Looking out of that window , I knew that life was an adventure , and the only person who could see me through to experience it was myself . That 's what the two people who saved my life taught me . |
By dvberkom To celebrate reaching another milestone ( yay ! 1000 ' likes ' on my author page ) , and since the recent Goodreads print book giveaway doesn 't cover all countries , I 'm running an e - book giveaway ! Enter now to win one of 10 e - copies of YUCATAN DEAD 🙂 By dvberkom Hi there , everybody ! Welcome to Serial Saturday where I 'm posting excerpts of my serial novella , Bad Spirits each week . If you missed Part I , it 's here . Part II is here and Part III is here . So sit back , grab a drink and enjoy ! The hood over my head disoriented me and I stumbled , but my captors held me steady . Unable to do anything except try to stay on my feet , I didn 't have time to think about what was happening . The group moved me through the hacienda with a silent swiftness that left me wondering why Salazar would want to keep my execution quiet . We stopped , and someone threaded a strap of some sort underneath my arms and cinched it tight across my chest . Someone else stood behind me and wrapped their arms around my waist in an iron grip . We frog marched a short distance , then they lifted me off my feet and pulled me backward over what must have been the second floor railing . The falling sensation hit me hard , but a zipping sound told me we were connected to something that would break our landing . We reached the ground , and the strap around my chest loosened . Other sets of feet hit the gravel in addition to the one who had a hold of my arm . We 'd gone maybe ten steps when the first pop of gunfire echoed through the compound . " Mierda , " my captor muttered under his breath , and dragged me forward . Someone returned fire and then a full gunfight erupted behind us , automatic weapons fire splitting the night . I ran , stumbling , trusting the man beside me to guide us to safety . We veered to the left and I heard a car door open . He shoved me inside . I slid to the floor and attempted to climb onto the seat . I ducked my head and pulled the hood off , gulping in air . I lay on the back floor of a large , idling SUV . The gunman that shoved me into the vehicle walked toward the front of the pickup . I peered over the seat back . He stopped and leaned across the hood , aiming his gun at a large gardening shed . Three dark figures rounded the corner , running straight toward us . It must have been his buddies , because he didn 't shoot . One of the figures stopped alongside the building and waited while the other two made it to the truck and climbed inside . An unmasked man raced around the corner , but then checked and fell back behind the structure . The figure alongside the building melted into the shadows around the back . Two gunshots followed . The masked gunman reappeared and resumed his position next to the garden shed . The man standing at the front of the truck sprinted back , got in next to me , and slammed the door closed . The SUV spit gravel as it rocketed forward . When he realized I 'd taken the hood off , he grabbed it and yanked it over my head . At the same time he pushed me back down behind the seat . We skidded to a stop next to the shed . The back door opened and closed , and a pair of legs shoved me to the middle . Then we started moving again . The sporadic gunfire faded in the distance . It wouldn 't be long before Salazar 's men followed . After a while , the man to my left nudged my shoulder . " You can get up now , but keep the hood on . " I crawled onto the seat and stretched my legs , careful not to disturb either gunman . Who were these men ? Did they rescue me only to kill me ? They weren 't Salazar 's thugs , obviously , or I 'd be dead by now . Would they hold me for ransom ? I doubted Salazar would pay to get me back . He 'd probably tell them to go ahead and kill me - the only bright spot being that they might not know that . The SUV rounded a curve and the road became rugged . We seemed to hit every pothole in existence . One of the men in the front seat lit a cigarette . The rancid smoke seeped under the hood , and I had to swallow to keep from choking . Sometime later , we jolted to a stop . The guy to my left got out and pulled me from the truck . I tensed , uncertain if they meant to kill me here . My heart pounded in my chest . I took a deep breath , hoping to relax . It didn 't work so well with the hood . Someone yanked the hood off my head and the sweet , fresh night air filled my lungs . The others had taken off their masks and stood next to the truck . I 'd counted correctly - there were four of them . Five , if I included the unlucky Milo back at the hacienda . I didn 't recognize any of them . The rest of the men leaned against the SUV , talking in low voices . I rubbed my wrists where the ties had dug into them . We were parked somewhere out in the middle of the Sonoran desert , the stars the only light visible for miles . A lonely yip of a coyote echoed in the distance . The men broke off their conversation and everyone turned to watch as a pair of headlights danced along the dirt road toward the group . I didn 't know if I should be relieved or afraid . Was it Salazar 's men , or the person they were waiting for ? " Uh , guys , can a girl get a gun around here ? I mean , if it 's someone you don 't want to see , I know how to shoot . I 'd be able to help . " I 'd also feel a hell of a lot better with a gun in my hand . At least I 'd have a fighting chance . " I don 't think that 's a good idea , " said a big guy with a goatee . The one heading toward the truck looked at me and shrugged . At least now I knew there were more weapons . I gave the big guy a dark look and climbed into the SUV . The headlights drew closer and the tension rose in the group . All four of them stood on alert , weapons raised , using the truck for cover . Careful not to draw attention to myself , I glanced over the back of the seat to the cargo area to see if I could get a look at what they had for extra fire power . It was too dark to be sure , but I thought I saw the shadowy shapes of several large automatics . A dark - colored four - wheel drive pickup pulled alongside the SUV and stopped . The gunmen lowered their weapons , and I let out a breath . The driver opened the door and got out . I didn 't know him . He stood half a head taller than the rest of the men there , although dressed in similar clothing . He walked toward me as the passenger door opened and the other occupant exited the truck . So he 'd been the one behind this midnight invasion . I 'd wondered how they 'd broken through Salazar 's security without raising the alarm until the end . Now I knew . " They were going to kill her , whether she gave them what they wanted or not . She lived with Salazar for over three years . She knows him . " He looked at me and said , " She 'll cooperate . " " Uh , Eduardo , can I have a word , please ? " I didn 't like this guy , whoever he was . I grabbed Eduardo 's arm and pulled him out of earshot . " But if you go back now , they 'll kill you . " The look on Eduardo 's face confirmed my suspicions . " You 're not , are you ? " Eduardo shook his head . " No , they will kill me , if only for letting you escape again . I made a deal with Chance - " He glanced back at the DEA guy . " - to place me in the US federal witness security program , in exchange for my help . " He shrugged . " I will just have to go sooner than I expected . " Great choice . Make a deal with the DEA , and go into hiding for the rest of my life , never contacting my family or friends again . Or , don 't make a deal and look over my shoulder for the rest of my life , wondering when Salazar , or worse , Anaya , would find me . I had no doubt that one of them would . " You put your life on the line for me , Eduardo . For that I am grateful . I will give them whatever information I have , as long as they promise protection for us both . " The interview with Chance took over three hours . He was thorough with his questioning , prying out bits of information I 'd forgotten and didn 't think were worth remembering . He was particularly interested in John Sterling 's role in Salazar 's organization . When I got to the part about my first escape , I conveniently left out stealing Anaya 's drug money . It would be nice to think that the men who now surrounded me had altruistic tendencies , but Sterling had been DEA . Money did strange things to people . The safe house sat nestled in a tidy neighborhood in an innocent - looking town near the Sea of Cortez . The sea - salt air and briny humidity reminded me of happier times . Chance had determined it would be best if I remained in Mexico for now , and he 'd assured me I 'd be as safe there as anywhere . I assumed it was because once I was stateside there 'd be more of a temptation for me to walk away . It wouldn 't matter where they hid me - if Salazar or his people got wind of my location , they 'd stop at nothing to kill me . Monotonous days fluctuated between sleeping , reading , watching Mexican soap operas , and jumping at every sound . I was allowed an hour or so of outdoor recreation each day , and even that was monitored closely . The back yard had a high cement wall and for all intents and purposes I felt like a prisoner , not an asset . Meals consisted of tortillas and beans , with alternating chicken , pork and beef . I craved vegetables . Definitely a first for me . We walked to the far end of the enclosed backyard and sat in a couple of lawn chairs in the shade of a large palm tree . The intensity of the midday heat created a death - like stillness . Even the cockroaches decided to take a siesta . " What about Sterling ? " I sure as hell didn 't want John Sterling free to move about the country , not when he knew about the money . And me . " He 's already in custody in the states , waiting for his trial date . " He lit the cigarette , leaned back and crossed his legs . " How 're things going here ? The boys treating you all right ? " " Except for some of their taste in television , it 's been fine . But I have to be honest , Chance . The longer I 'm here , the more nervous I get . I 'm a sitting duck . You can 't tell me Salazar doesn 't have government informants . Eventually , somebody 's going to get lucky and figure out my location . " " I 've taken extra precautions and set up a bogus safe house down the street . All transmissions regarding you refer to that address . Only a select group of people from either agency know your actual location . If we think this house has been compromised in any way , we move you . " His serious gray eyes made me want to believe him . " Good news there . You 've been cleared to enter the program as soon as you give your testimony at trial . New identity , relocation , a job , the works . " " Let me clarify . How many people who go into the program have their locations or identities compromised and wind up taking the big dirt nap ? I mean , there must have been a few , right ? " " How many is most , Chance ? And can you tell me about the ones who did everything right , but still ended up dead ? " I 'd started to re - think this whole stupid testifying thing , mainly because I couldn 't shake a growing sense of dread . Granted , I didn 't have a lot to keep my mind occupied at the moment , but I tended to trust my gut instincts . I had a pretty good average . " I can 't give you numbers . We don 't handle the program . U . S . Marshals do and they 're damned good at it as long as you follow the security guidelines . " He took a drag off his cigarette and leaned forward in his chair . " Listen . Nothing is fail - safe . Life isn 't that kind . It 's the best we can do at the moment . And it 's worked for countless people who did the right thing and testified against the big , bad criminals of the world . Without wits , a lot of scum would go free . I can tell you the program works for ninety - nine - point - nine percent of the people who go that route . " " Your choice , Kate . Everybody has second thoughts about the program , and I mean everybody . It 's not easy to leave everyone and everything you know and start over . But what else are you going to do ? Very few people know how to disappear . The ones that think they do end up dead or worse . You 're on Salazar 's list now , so anything that can help you stay alive is going to be better than going it on your own . " After Chance left for the field office , I tried to occupy my mind by re - reading every book in the house . One of the security guys , Luis , shared my love of American thriller writers , so at least I had a way to get interesting reading material . It didn 't take long before I developed insomnia , and early mornings found me wandering from room to room , usually ending up in the kitchen for a pre - dawn snack or a shot of tequila to calm my nerves . The guys left me to my own devices for the most part , and didn 't insist on my adherence to house rules . Except for one - I couldn 't leave the premises . Late one night , I talked Luis into going with me for a walk . Not far , I assured him . Just so I could forget the bland yellow paint on the walls , and smell anything but enchiladas , if only for a little while . He caved when I promised to buy him the newest thriller by his favorite author in hardback . " My father has said that Mexico reminds him of Colombia in the 1970s . The drug gang violence is escalating , and I can see it spreading to non - gang members . It 's very sad . Mexico is filled with good , honest people . It is only the brutal few that crave power and stop at nothing . " He glanced at me . " How did you get involved with a man like Salazar ? " " It 's not a good excuse , but I had no idea what he did for a living when I met him . By the time I figured it out , I knew too much about his family and friends . If I said anything about leaving or even wanting to visit my family , he threatened me . The more I learned about him , the more afraid I became . I knew then I 'd never be free unless I escaped . " We continued to walk in silence . The night sky glittered with brilliant stars . Insects sang to each other , reminding me of a time when I wasn 't constantly looking over my shoulder . What would my life look like in a month ? A year ? Once Salazar was locked up and I went into witness protection , maybe then I could relax , start a new life without the debilitating fear I 'd been living with for so long . We started back toward the house . The inky black sky had lightened to a deep blue , signaling the approaching dawn . As we crested a small rise , a deafening explosion ripped through the still night . I fell to the ground , covering my head with my hands , and curled into a ball . Luis dropped to a crouch next to me and scanned the area . " Get up . They blew the house . " Luis ' words came out hard and flat . I sat up and turned to watch as the house that once had the word safe attached to it was consumed in flames . The rooms where I 'd been less than an hour before were now a scorched , blistering scar on the once peaceful neighborhood . Blackened outlines where windows should have been gaped like toothless mouths open in a perpetual scream . Flames shot out from the second floor bedroom windows , the blinds and drapes feeding the fire like so much kindling . No other houses on the block had been firebombed . What happened to the other safe house , the one Chance said he 'd set up as a decoy ? Confused , I looked at Luis . His jaw set , he grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet . We cut across the arroyo and up the bank , keeping to the shadows . Thankful that he apparently had a plan , I followed him past the hulking , dark shapes of trees and bushes , jumping at every little sound . My rapid breathing and galloping heart were by - products of the adrenalin shooting through me . I wondered briefly if a stroke was in my future . I hadn 't thought of that . Had anyone survived the blast ? Luis was in the clear , since he 'd been with the target . I ran through the different guards in my head , and couldn 't recall any of them acting out of the ordinary . My gut told me it was somebody within one of the agencies . Luis rested his hand on my back . The small gesture helped to calm me enough that my thoughts became semi - coherent . I straightened and inhaled deeply into my lungs . I nodded . I wasn 't , but that couldn 't matter . The distant glow of the burning house lit up the early morning sky . I turned to Luis . Luis called Chance and told him what happened . He sent a car and driver to pick us up near a vacant lot several streets away from the safe house . Twenty minutes later , we pulled up next to a dark sedan with blacked out windows idling behind an abandoned building outside of town . The passenger side window slid down and Chance 's face appeared . Luis and I transferred to the back seat of the sedan . " Diego and Raphael were inside - " Luis cleared his throat . Once he 'd composed himself , he said , " Raphael 's wife just had their second child . A boy . " He stared out the car window . Chance shook his head . " My guys have been with me for four years . They were the best team I 've ever worked with . Survived Afghanistan . " He shook a cigarette from a pack on the dash and lit it , inhaling deeply . " Who would have thought an IED in Sonora would get them ? " " She survived . If you hadn 't done what you did , she 'd be dead . " He narrowed his eyes and looked directly at Luis . " Do it again and you 're off the assignment . " Chance leaned back with a disgusted sigh . " How did he get the info ? If anything , the decoy should 've been blown . " " Simple . He 's got someone in one of your organizations . " I 'd been living with Salazar 's reach for the past three years . It didn 't surprise me . " And , unless you have a better idea , I think I 'll take my chances on my own . " I made to open the door , but Chance put a hand on my arm . Anger boiled deep in my chest , and it was hard to breathe . " He trusted you . You were going to get him into the program . " My hands clenched so hard the fingernails cut into my skin . " That 's just it . The Marshals had him in protective custody , on his way to the states . They were ambushed just before they got to the border . We have no idea how they found him so fast . " " Then Salazar 's got someone there , too . " My calm , steady voice belied the fact that I wanted to reach over the seat back and strangle the man sitting in front of me . " Remember the question I asked you that day in the back yard ? About the ones that didn 't make it ? " Chance nodded . " How many were involved with Salazar in some way ? " I recoiled as if he 'd hit me . " Three ? You put Eduardo in knowing that three of Salazar 's people died ? And you think I 'm going to cooperate ? How fucking stupid do you think I am ? " " It won 't happen again . Yes , there 's a leak , but nothing is one hundred percent secure . Travel with armed agents is a hell of a lot safer than going solo . I put in the request to move you to the states . Once there , we 'll record your statement . After that , you choose what you want to do . " By dvberkom Here are some links to sources for free books . As always , check the current price to make sure they 're still free before you download . You 're welcome 🙂 By dvberkom Last Saturday , I decided to run Part 1 of Bad Spirits , the first novella in the Kate Jones Thriller Series . If you missed that installment , you can find it here . If you 're the type of person who can 't wait to read the rest of the story , it can be found ( for free ) on Amazon , BN and Smashwords ( it 's also available at iTunes ) . Just Passing Through Paranoia kept me off the highway . The blisters on my feet burned with each step . There weren 't many other transit options in this part of Sonora , apart from the occasional steer . Although I 'd left John Sterling broken and bloody by the side of the road , he wasn 't the only one searching for the cash , and I needed to be careful , or I 'd end up dead . My spine ached from the weight of the money . I limped toward what looked like a small carne asada place that had appeared like a mirage on the horizon . Normally family owned , these Mexican versions of an open - air barbecue joint dotted the countryside along well - traveled routes . Since the highway I skirted happened to be the only one that led to San Bruno , I didn 't have the luxury of following a less popular road . " Would you happen to know anyone around here who 's trying to sell their car ? " It was a long shot , but the least I could do was try . Although the news of a gringa with cash would travel fast , my feet and back screamed for relief . Aside from the cloying cigarette smell and ripped upholstery , the car was perfect . No one would look twice at the ugly brown station wagon , and the cracked windshield obscured the occasional curious glance inside . The car 's shelf life would only last until I reached the next town , but I 'd be that much closer to San Bruno . I didn 't dare keep driving . A bus was my only other option . I pulled into Los Otros in the late afternoon . A small town within a short drive of the Sea of Cortez , the population consisted of mainly Mexican farmers , with a few ex - pats from the US sprinkled in . Its main street boasted a cantina , a bank , a drug store and a Laundromat . I took a left and parked along the curb on a side street , next to a dental office . The bank had already closed for the day . My plan to transfer a portion of the money to my sister in Minnesota would have to wait until morning . I 'd need to keep the amount small . Anything over ten thousand would attract unwanted attention in the US . The longer I dragged the money around , the more I realized I needed to find a way to unload it . Aside from digging a hole in the middle of the desert and burying it , the only thing that made any sense was to wire it to someone I could trust . I walked into the cantina and sat at a table in the corner . A kid of about twelve came over and asked me what I wanted . I ordered a Bohemia and asked him what time the bank next door opened . Mama walked through the doorway that led to the back . Tall and fit , energy radiated off her , belying the dark hair shot through with gray . She eyed me curiously . " I have a friend , an American woman , who rents out her extra room . Twenty - five dollars a night . It 's not far , maybe two kilometers . " She wrote down the address and made a crude map on the back of a napkin . I thanked her , paid for my beer and left , following the map to her friend 's place . I looked wistfully at the station wagon as I passed by . I couldn 't take the chance of staying with any vehicle for too long , so I left it at the curb , the keys dangling from the ignition . The adobe house sat on a large rectangular dirt lot . Cheerful yellow curtains dotted the windows . Two lime trees grew next to a small shed . A profusion of lush plants in colorful pots greeted me as I followed the curving walk to the front door . I rang the doorbell and turned to survey the neighborhood . It appeared relatively quiet , with the exception of a stray dog and a kid on a bicycle . She sighed . " Everyone ' just passes through ' here . " She glanced at my backpack , then at the walk behind me . " Do you have any other luggage ? " She showed me to my room and I slid the pack under the bed . She asked me if I wanted to wash up before dinner . I said I would . Her name was Lana , and she 'd just turned forty the day before . We dined al fresco in her backyard under strings of lights , giving it a festive air . She served fish tacos with rice and had finished her third margarita by the time I 'd barely drunk one . " I came here ten years ago . Followed a man . " She shook her head , smiling . " You probably know how that goes . " She stared off into the darkness and took another drink . " Girl meets guy , girl falls for guy and follows him to another country . Guy leaves girl in one horse town with no money . " She shrugged . " Things a girl will do for love , eh ? " She had no idea . " I 'd better not . " I leaned back , trying to relax and enjoy the mild , star - filled night , but that was a thing of the past , now . Alcohol only dulled my senses . " I 'm on my way to Mazatlan , " I lied . No sense leaving a trail for Salazar . " I have some friends there I haven 't seen in a long time . " We talked long into the night , or , I should say , she did . I answered her questions with the truth if I could , lies if she got too personal . Around one she passed out in her chair , her snores cutting through the still night . I wrapped her arm around my shoulders , hoisted her to her feet and walked her to bed . After taking off her shoes , I tucked her in and walked out , closing the door . It took all the strength I had to hack my way into the caliche - filled ground between the lime trees and shed . At first I used the shovel , but finally resorted to the pick ax . Once I had a deep enough hole , I dropped the bags of money in and covered them with the remaining dirt . I poured water from the kitchen on the freshly dug earth , knowing it would be dry by morning and the evidence obliterated . I returned to my room . My backpack was much lighter . I calculated roughly a third of the money now lay in the hole in the yard . Satisfied I 'd found a necessary temporary home for the cash , I fell into a fitful sleep . Sunlight streamed through the curtains , and my eyelids snapped open . At first unsure where I was , I remembered and sat up , glancing at the clock on the dresser . Eight thirty . Just enough time to have breakfast and walk to the bank . I hated doing the transfer in daylight , but didn 't have a choice . Lana stood at the stove , frying eggs and bacon , talking to a dark - haired man sitting at the table . Instinctively , I stiffened . The less people I encountered , the better . Lana turned at the abrupt pause in conversation , and broke into a wide smile . " You 're just in time for breakfast . Jorge dropped by this morning and offered to give you a lift into town . " She pointed her fork at me . " Kate , Jorge . Jorge , this is Kate . " " Mucho gusto . " Jorge bowed his head , a charming smile on his face . My shoulders released a fraction . He seemed like a nice guy . Salazar 's men couldn 't have found me so soon . No one knew where I was headed . Jorge pulled up to the curb near the bank and I thanked him and got out . I could feel him watch me walk through the bank 's doors . The teller at the window smiled and motioned for me to come to her window . I 'd already separated $ 7 , 500 from the rest of the money in the pack , and reached into the front pocket where I 'd stashed the bundle . As I filled out the paperwork , I resisted the urge to look behind me . I handed the forms back to the teller and smiled . Tiny rivers of sweat ran down my back and under my arms , and beads of perspiration formed on my upper lip . Maybe wiring money to my sister wasn 't such a good idea . It left me exposed in public for too long . The game had changed - my penchant for acting on the first idea that popped into my head could now get me killed . I thought about grabbing the money off the counter and leaving , but stopped short as I realized the transaction was almost complete . With no small effort , I pulled away from him , and playfully patted his arm . " Oh , don 't be such a silly , sweetheart . We have plenty of time . " I turned to the guard who was looking at everything except the two of us . " Sir , could you tell me where the ladies bathroom is , please ? " He cleared his throat and answered , " Of course , Señora . It 's down that hallway and through those doors . " He pointed toward the back of the bank . " Thank you . Now , honey , it won 't take that long , I promise . " Frank 's expression was a mixture of cold , white fury punctuated with splotches of red on his cheeks . I turned around , fast , and headed down the hallway before my shaking knees and frayed nerves failed me . I burst through the bathroom door and scanned the room for an exit . A bank of high windows ran along the wall in back of the two stalls . I kicked open the door to the first one and climbed onto the toilet . The window opened easily , and I hoisted myself up and over the sill , head first . I fell to the ground and immediately got up and hauled ass . I made it several yards before I heard Frank scream at his guy to bring the car around . A bullet whizzed past me and pinged off the concrete wall of another building . I detoured through an alley and kept running . Panic welled up inside of me . I didn 't know the town , didn 't know where to go . I just blindly ran , hoping for inspiration . A cry escaped me as I skidded to a stop and fell backward . I scrambled to change direction , mid - step . The weight of the backpack threw me off - balance and I slammed into the ground . Jorge 's bullet barely missed . I crawled onto my hands and knees , clawing at the dirt to get to my feet when I heard the music . A rusty old Volkswagen Bug kicking up dust roosters headed straight toward me . Classical music blared through the open windows . I dove behind a trash can on the side of the street . The driver of the VW drew parallel with me and slammed on the brakes , stopping in a cloud of dust . A large automatic gun attached to a skinny brown arm appeared at the side window . I tried to anchor myself to keep from crashing into the door and the gear shift as the driver , howling like a madman , steered first one way , then the other . I gave up and curled into a fetal position . The car bounced and bucked to the crashing strains of Rachmaninoff . I hoped like hell he didn 't drive us off a cliff . " Stay down , " he hissed . I did as I was told . After a few minutes , he started the engine , and began to drive . To say the road he chose had a few bumps would be an understatement . I covered my head to keep from banging it to a pulp on the dash . The VW hit one last hole , and then the ride leveled out . I carefully lifted my head and looked out the window . We were outside of town , driving past scrub and open space on a paved highway . I breathed a sigh of relief and sat up in the seat . My rescuer appeared to be about seventy . His face looked like old leather , and his hair resembled Einstein 's on a bad day . He had on a set of green scrubs and wore a pair of ancient huaraches on his feet . He turned off the tape player and we drove in silence . I did some deep breathing to still my pounding heart . He shrugged . " I euthanize sick animals . What 's the difference ? " He turned to me and grinned , extending his hand . " The name 's Ogden . I 'm the local volunteer vet . " Ogden , or Oggie as he liked to be called , had been a veterinarian in the Midwest for over forty years . He 'd grown tired of shoveling Nebraska snow and decided to retire in Mexico when his wife died . He 'd lived here ever since . " One day I woke up and decided I had a moral imperative to help the poor farmers in the area . So I started stockpiling medicine whenever I went to the states . Pretty soon word got around . " He grinned . " Keeps me young . And , I 'm never bored . " He gave me a sidelong glance . " Why was a piece of shit like Jorge after you ? " " Look , you can drop me at the next town , the next bus stop , hell , the side of the road , even . I don 't want to cause you any trouble . I owe you my life . You don 't need to be part of this . " Oggie whistled . " Must be some trouble you 're in , Miss Kate . Tell you what - " He reached under his seat and brought out a silver flask , unscrewed the top and took a drink . " I 'll drive you anywhere you want to go , provided you fill up ol ' Bessie 's tank . " He patted the car 's dash affectionately . " But I have to take care of something first . " He took another drink and then offered me the flask . I shook my head . " It 's too dangerous . There are some really bad people who want to see me dead , and they wouldn 't have a problem killing you to get to me . " " Hell , Kate . I 'm so old , dirt 's asking me for advice . You think I give a rat 's ass about being safe ? " He looked at me . " When you get to be my age , you 'll understand it 's not about how much time you got . It 's about how much life you get . Sitting on my ass in a rocking chair isn 't a life , far as I 'm concerned . Besides , " he flicked on the cassette player and Rachmaninoff blasted through the speakers . " You need me . " We pulled into Oggie 's place an hour later . The small , cinder block house with a metal roof sat in the middle of the square dirt plot surrounded by a split rail fence . A lemon tree and two mesquites stood sentry at the back of the lot near the house , providing the only shade . " What 's going to stop Frank from finding your place ? " Oggie didn 't appear to be a person who flew under the radar . His home would probably be the first place Frank would check . " Only two people know where I live . I pick up my messages in town , and if there 's an emergency , the gal at the post office comes and gets me , " he replied . " I like it that way . Less bother . " He shrugged a bony shoulder . " A lady friend . We haven 't spoken in a while , though . " He unscrewed his flask to take another swig , raising his eyebrows as he offered it to me again . I shook my head . The one room house had a small bathroom off to one side . The kitchen lined one wall and a bed and dresser stood in a far corner . A wooden table , piled high with old newspapers and stacks of books , took up half the living area . I didn 't notice a television or a phone . " This 'll just take a minute , " Oggie said over his shoulder . He opened the small refrigerator and took out a clear plastic bottle and a syringe . Then he walked around the side of the table . " Wild Bill needs his shot , don 't you boy ? " I looked down and realized what I 'd thought was a sweater on one of the dining room chairs was actually a large cat . Oggie gathered Wild Bill up in his arms and sat on the chair . He kissed the hairy feline on the head and murmured into his ear . He injected the cat and set him on the floor . Wild Bill meowed at me , annoyance plain on his face . Then he shook his head and slowly trundled out the door . Not the best hideout . The thought of disrupting a nest of snakes or scorpions crossed my mind . Scorpions I could live with . Snakes , not so much . Light streamed in through gaps in the door that allowed me to see , once my eyes adjusted . I pulled the gun out of the front pocket of the pack and crawled as far back as I could go , behind jars filled with some kind of preserves and boxes of dried vegetables . I stuffed the pack in the rear of the space , underneath a couple of boxes , then turned back toward the door and held my breath , listening . A sickening feeling twisted my stomach , and visions of Frank beating Oggie to death for information played like a bad movie in my brain . Frank wouldn 't care who he killed to get the money . I had a gun . I could use it to help him . But , then again , so did Oggie . He knew how to take care of himself . I closed my eyes and took a deep breath . I needed to be calm . If I tried to make a decision in panic mode , things could go to hell , fast . The gun felt faintly reassuring . I opened my eyes and stared at the door , willing Oggie to appear and tell me everything was fine . The longer I sat there , the less certain I became . The door opened and fell to the side with a bang . I blinked against the bright light , at first unable to make out the person who peered inside the cellar . Then , I recognized him . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Ultimate Star Wars ® is an in - depth visual feast exploring the characters and storylines from the Star Wars galaxy . This is a beautifully illustrated guide that is structured chronologically and packed full of information about key characters and storylines from the Star Wars movie saga , The Clone Wars , and Rebels ™ . Ultimate Star Wars will get new and old fans caught up and knowledgeable on all things Star Wars . Let me start by explaining the reason behind my four thumbs review , I 'm not a huge Star Wars fan . Don 't get me wrong I enjoy the movies , but I 'm not a fangirl in the same sense or to the extremes others out there are . Having said this , this art book really hit the spot with me , and went a long way to explaining some of the storylines and characters in the movies . This book is sure to appeal to fans of any levels , and maybe capture the interest of those new to this Universe . The book itself is divided into topics that cover things from characters to locations , and these are interspersed with ' key event ' facts and each includes a timeline and a behind the scenes article . Covering all six of the Star Wars films , it also touches on the animated TV series of Clone Wars and Rebels . To say this book has detail would be an understatement , and do it a total injustice . As I said earlier I am not a huge fan , but I found the character pages fascinating ; each has a biography which includes some important events of which they were a part and other little pieces of information on their weapons etc . The major characters , such as the R2 - D2 unit are given a double page spread , as can be seen in the image below , while lesser character may , in some cases only get a portion of the page they are still included and this is part of what makes this a comprehensive guide to the Star Wars Universe . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 4 thumbs , Adults , Children , Clone Wars , imagination , postaday , Rebels , Sci - Fi , Star wars , Teens , YA Review : The Stingy Minion ~ H . M . Marson As if family problems were not enough , Elizabeth 's curious nature finds more trouble . She brings her father 's hacking program , the Stingy Minion , back to life , and soon finds herself staring at a highly classified NSA blog site used by the president of the United States . Trouble escalates to danger when a power - hungry investment firm tries to steal the Stingy Minion and threatens her life and the lives of newfound friends . In over her head , Elizabeth continues to hack and discovers a plot to attack Iran 's nuclear development sites . The world is on the verge of nuclear war . With hired thugs on her tail , only time will tell how long she and her friends will remain safe . With the internet , and hackers being a big part of everyday lives now I found the characters to be very realistic . They had a depth to them that is often lacking in YA fiction , and there were none of the ' perfect ' people in this novel that seem to be the norm in many books . The main protagonist , a 16 - year - old female , is full of all the insecurities and anger that seems to be the norm for young adults but , rather than it becoming annoying and whiny , the Author is able to pull on all the characters different personality traits and the problems encountered at this age and make them work , creating a character that the reader can relate to and care about . I usually find teenage angst to be an irritating and over used back story in YA novels , but it actually adds to the book in this case . The plot in the book is very real world too , and could almost have been taken from the news headlines . As expected in a book about computer hackers there is a lot of computer terminology which some readers may find a little daunting if they are not familiar with it . Rather from detracting from the novel though , this adds yet another dimension to the book which makes it more gritty and realistic . T he reason behind the three thumbs rating is that at times the book seemed rather childish , aimed more at the middle school age group rather than the young adult ; overall though it is a fun light read . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 3 Thumbs , experience , Life , postaday , Suspense , Teens , YA Review : The Abhorsen Chronicles ( The Abhorsen Trilogy , # 1 - 3 ) ~ Garth Nix This is a huge book even by my standards , and to add to the confusion it is one of those that , by some strange reason is known under a different title depending on where in the world you live ; for example in the Authors native Australia this book is entitled The Old Kingdom Chronicles . It is also a trilogy that not many fantasy readers appear to know about . As for me it took me some time to actually finish reading this , and that was not due to its size . The characters in all three of the books , in my opinion , could have benefitted from a lot more time spent in their development . None of them really gripped me and made me want to invest more of my time in getting to know them . I really was expecting to like the characters , but they were flat and very one - dimensional people who seemed to enjoy a lot of walking . You would have to read the books to understand that reference . Having said this , the character of Sabriel in the first book of the three was , by far , the most interesting of any in the Chronicles ; she is a determined young woman with a definite plan for her life . When curve balls are thrown at her she is able to adapt and think on her feet making her the most impressionable of all the characters in these books . What really would have helped the characters come into their own in these books would have been more background and explanation into how they learned their skills and came to be in the place they are when the books open . The world in which these books are set could have been so much more . It was a wonderful concept but I felt that the Author really did not do it justice and , like his character development , it would have benefitted from more time being spent in the descriptive aspects . At no time did I feel as if I had actually been transported into this world and was experiencing the events occurring ; in a good fantasy novel a reader should feel themselves transported to the alternate world , as that is part of the pull of this genre . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 2 thumbs , Fantasy , imagination , Magic , postaday , Teens , YA Our Own Little Christmas ~ Heidi Peltier Terra woke up alone again this morning , just like she did on Valentine 's Day , and on her birthday , and on our fourth wedding anniversary a few months ago . Either I had left early in the morning , or I had never come home at all the night before . The further into my college education I got , the busier and more preoccupied I became . The first few semesters , I made the three - hour journey to and from the university in Palermo , Sicily , every day . Each night , I would return home to our tiny island home of Isola di Squalo , the island of which Terra was Queen . I would be exhausted from a full day of study and travel , but I would happily fall into bed each night knowing she was right beside me , snuggled in my arms . That alone made it all worth it . But as my classes grew more challenging and my workload mounted , it became impossible to make the trek home every night . I refused to get housing on campus . I refused to accept that I couldn 't go home to her every day . So , for a long time , I would stay in a hotel or crash on a friend 's couch for the night in order to make a late night study session and an early morning class . Finally , Terra convinced me that my best option would be to lease a flat near campus . I adamantly denied needing it , but she could see the exhaustion on my face . She knew I couldn 't keep up the rigorous pace much longer . I swore to her I would come home every weekend , and I did … until once again , the work mounted up , and I was forced to stay one weekend , then two , then three . She 's busy too , I told myself . She has a country to run . She probably doesn 't even notice I 'm not there most of the time . It was a lie , and I knew it . She noticed . I could see it in her eyes when I would return . And I dreaded seeing the pain on her face when it was time for me to leave again . She never cried though , never complained . I think she knew it would only make it that much harder for me . And we both knew I couldn 't give up . She established the Delmar Shark Institute for me . It was an unbelievable gift , one that went against every natural instinct she had . But she did it for me because she knew how much it meant to me , so I was going to earn it . I just never knew the price I would have to pay , the sacrifices both of us would have to make . I 'm almost done , I told myself . It 's almost over . With the college courses I 'd taken in high school and being able to go to school full time , I 'd completed my undergraduate studies in just two and a half years . I gave up competitive swimming to devote my full attention to getting my degree . I immediately started working on my master 's degree and only had a little further to go to finish it . Once I started on my PhD , I could spend a whole lot more time at home working at the shark institute . No more going back and forth every day . No more nights away from home . No more saying goodbye to Terra . I just had a little bit more to go , but she had no idea . She knew I 'd been pushing myself , but I hadn 't really been keeping her up to date on my progress , mostly because I didn 't want to disappoint her if I failed . So , I set my goal and kept it to myself . At the end of November , we had a long weekend break , and even though there was work to do at school , I went home . I had to . I hadn 't seen Terra in three weeks at that point and refused to go another week . I arrived at the palace unannounced in the early afternoon . I peeked into her office and found her slumped over her desk , her head in her hands , crying . I couldn 't bear it . I burst into the room , ran to her , and took her in my arms . She gasped and immediately started wiping her eyes . She plastered a smile on her face and tried to compose herself . " I wanted to surprise you , " I murmured , my joy at finally seeing her being trampled by the sadness in her eyes . " I 'm so sorry , sweetheart . I 'm sorry I 've been gone so long . " That 's when I spotted the note on her desk . It was a message from her brother , Fed . The note told Terra that he would not be coming home for Christmas this year because he 'd be spending it with his girlfriend Ana 's family in Portugal . Terra 's sister , Delphine , had already told us she wouldn 't be coming for Christmas either since she was studying at an art institute half way around the world in Canada . Terra 's parents were both dead , which meant Terra had been sitting here thinking about having no one at Christmas . Surely , she didn 't assume I wouldn 't be here . Or perhaps she did . With her brother and sister both studying out of the country and me gone almost all the time now , she must have been feeling very lonely . And suddenly , my heart was breaking for her . I should have realized . I should have been paying closer attention . I pulled her closer to me and tucked her head under my chin . As I stood there holding her , a plan started to form in my head . I would be home for two full days after this , and then I would probably be gone until the semester ended the third week of December . I was going to make the most of my time on the island and put my plan in motion . Terra had a meeting that afternoon which I knew she couldn 't cancel just because I 'd graced her with my presence unexpectedly . So , in those two hours , I held my own secret meeting with Ilario , Terra 's head of security . He and I arranged everything , and by the time Terra was free , my plan had come together . But she had no idea . For the next two days , Terra and I were inseparable . We spent hours walking through the gardens and by the lagoon . We went into town but didn 't stay long . The friendly people of the island were wonderful and loving , but I hadn 't come home to see them . I wanted to be selfish and have my wife all to myself . I took her for a picnic at Faro di Merrick , the lighthouse hill overlooking the sea where we always went to escape life for a little while . We talked about our future together once I was finished with school . I hadn 't realized until that day just how badly she wanted to start a family . With a baby to take care of , I thought hesitantly , she won 't be alone . I held her in my arms , and we danced to the music of the sea until the sun set . When it was time for me to leave , I told her it was OK to cry because I was crying too . She buried her face in my chest , and I held her until I couldn 't stay another second without being late . I boarded the ferryboat that took me back to Sicily and watched her until I couldn 't see her anymore . Then , I sank into my seat and cried , not caring that the driver and my bodyguard could see . Three excruciating weeks passed as slowly as molasses on a cold day , as my grandma used to say . I worked my tail off and fell into bed exhausted every night . Every morning , I ticked another day off the calendar , counting down the days until I saw my girl again . I finished my work and met with my professors and advisors . I made my request , and they granted it . All that was left now was to pack up my belongings from the flat and get home . I made a call to Ilario , and he got things rolling at the palace . Terra 's personal attendant , Maria , had been tasked to pack Terra 's bag for her in secret . That bag was now stowed in a closet , ready to be thrown into the car as soon as I arrived . I swept into the castle , and Terra was there waiting for me . I pulled her to me and pressed my lips to hers . When I finally let her come up for air , she said , " I 'm so happy you 're home . " I led her to the car , and Ilario drove us back to the docks while I spent the time kissing my very curious wife . I kissed her on the ferryboat , and I kissed her in the car on the way to the airport . Royal decorum dictated that I was not allowed to kiss her in the airport or on the airplane , but I snuck a few in here and there . She asked over and over again where we were going only to be answered with another kiss . I think she eventually caught on to the game and asked anyway knowing she 'd never get an answer . I resumed showering her with kisses in the car when we arrived in Switzerland . And now , here we stand , outside one of the most remote ski resorts in the Alps . The sun has set , and thousands of twinkling white lights illuminate the scene . On the eaves of the buildings , they sparkle inside the icicles that hang there too . An enormous Christmas tree stands just inside the two story high lobby windows , inviting us to come inside . I look at Terra and am mesmerized by the reflection of the lights in her eyes , sparkling like the sunset on the ocean . I can 't help it - I have to touch her . I run my finger gently down her jaw line , and she turns her glittery eyes to me . On Christmas morning , Terra doesn 't wake up alone , and if I have my way , she never will again . She begins to stir , but I wrap my arm tighter around her to hold her in place . I kiss the back of her head and nuzzle into her hair . When we finally emerge from the bedroom , breakfast is already laid out for us on the table . She refuses to let me bring her breakfast in bed , so we sit together to eat . Suddenly , a look of panic crosses her face . " I don 't need any , " I tell her . " This Christmas isn 't about me . It 's about you . It seems like everything has been about me for the last few years , and I 'm tired of that . Come on . " I extend my hand to her and pull her to the living room sofa . " Let me get your gifts for you . " " Hush , " I whisper as I disappear into the bedroom . When I return , I have two packages in my hands . I give her the smaller one first . It 's a necklace and earring set - heart shaped aquamarine stones surrounded by diamonds . I had them specially made to match the ring I gave her four years ago . The blue of the stone almost matches her ocean blue Delmar eyes . She lays the rectangular shape in her lap and begins to tear off the paper . Inside is a black leather folder . Inside that is my master 's diploma . " I didn 't miss anything , " I tell her . " I did what I went there to do , and now I have my degree and I have you . That 's all that matters . " " I 'm talking about you , " I say , pressing my lips to her fingers . " I did this so I could come back home to you . I couldn 't stand being away from you so much , so I pushed myself to finish quickly . I 'm sorry for all the time I 've been gone , but from now on , most of what I 'll need to do can be done at home , at the shark institute . I 'm done , baby . I 'm not leaving you ever again . " Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Short Stories . Tagged Adults , Children , Heidi Peltier , postaday , Sharks , Teens , The Delmar Shark Chronicles , YA The True Meaning of Christmas A Short Story ~ Janice Spina The little girl 's name is Clarinda . She is ten years old with long dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes . She has never known what it is like to be warm or to have a full stomach . It is two days ' before Christmas and the house is bare of any signs of the holiday . Clarinda woke up this morning and heard someone crying . She got up , grabbed her thin bathrobe and wrapped it around her quickly as she tiptoed over to the door . The floor felt cold under her feet and she felt around for her slippers , tattered as they were , they would be better than nothing at all to keep her feet warm . As she slowly opened her bedroom door the sounds were louder and she realized that they were coming from her mother 's room . Clarinda 's mother , Miranda , was not well and hadn 't been for as long as she could remember . Her mother had progressively gotten weaker since her last two pregnancies with Clarinda 's siblings , Andrew , four and Brenda , two . Clarinda listened as she passed by her sibling 's bedroom to make sure they were not awake and needing her attention before going to her mother 's room . In order to put food on the table for the family , Miranda had to take in washing and ironing for other people , well - to - do people . They paid well enough for her to keep her children in mended clothes and provide some meat on the table at least once a week . Her husband , Holden , had died shortly after their daughter , Brenda , was born leaving her with three children to care for without any money . Miranda sat on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands as she cried . Her mind was whirling since the loss of her husband and she was devastated that she was too weak to continue working to take care of her children . She couldn 't afford to buy food never mind Christmas presents . Miranda looked up as the door to her bedroom slowly opened and Clarinda 's head popped in . " Mommy , are you okay ? Why are you crying ? " Clarinda 's beautiful blue eyes looked at her mother with surprise and concern . They belayed her age and showed a deep intelligence . Clarinda 's eyes mirrored her father 's and only broke her mother 's heart more each time she look at her . The other two children favored their mother with their green eyes and blond hair . " Oh , sweetie , I am all right . Just a little tired today . Don 't worry everything will be fine . Can you be a good girl now and go check on your brother and sister and bring then down to breakfast . I will make your favorite today - pancakes . We have one egg left and enough flour to make a few pancakes . You have been such a big help to Mommy . Now , go on hurry up , honey . " Clarinda left her mother 's room and went to check on her siblings . Andrew and Brenda shared the same room and both were awake and chattering together as Clarinda entered . She told Andrew to get dressed as she changed her sister 's training diaper and dressed her in her pink pants and top . Brenda always wanted to wear pink - it was her favorite color . She smiled her sweet toddler smile after she was dressed and cuddled with Clarinda to say " thank you . " Clarinda loved her brother and sister as if they were her own children ; after all , she had been both a sister and a mother to then since they were born . She did all she could to help her mother but she was only ten and didn 't realize a lot about life yet and what it entailed to raise a family . She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and took Andrew and Brenda by the hands and brought them down to the kitchen for breakfast . The enticing smell of pancakes was in the air and she found herself salivating and hurrying to set the table so they could eat . Their dinner the night before had been meager with a potato and a little gravy made from a soup bone and a piece of bread to sop up the precious liquid . She put Brenda in her high chair and told Andrew to sit down as their mother flipped the first pancakes onto their plates . Clarinda had to cut up the pancake for Brenda and blow on the pieces so she wouldn 't burn herself trying to eat too fast . Brenda made num num sounds as she stuffed the pieces into her mouth as fast as she could . Clarinda took care of her siblings first before taking her first bite and felt herself melting with the delicious taste . Miranda looked over at her children as they ate like it was their last meal . But , she thought sadly , it could be if her health didn 't improve soon . She didn 't know what she was going to do . She didn 't have anyone to turn to and didn 't want to lose her children if she asked the state for help . Clarinda was such a godsend and was already doing so much to help her . Could she ask her to do the washing and ironing too ? No , she thought , she would have to do it herself but have Clarinda bring the basket of clothes to the Antonelli 's house and receive payment . Yes , that is what she would do . Miranda called out to her daughter on her way to her room , " Thank you , sweetie , for cleaning up . I will just rest a little and then I will tackle the clothes and ironing . If you could bring the clothes over to the Antonelli 's after and pick up the payment that would be a great help to me . " " Of course , Mommy , I will be happy to help you . I will watch the kids while you rest . I love you , Mommy . " Clarinda was fearful that her mother was going to die like her father did . She told her mother every chance she got that she loved her , thinking that maybe she would keep her healthy longer that way . She always felt terrible that her father died before she could say , " I Love you , Daddy . " Clarinda could feel tears brimming in her eyes and used her sleeve to wipe them away so that her siblings wouldn 't see her crying . She had to be strong for them . Miranda lay down and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow . She stirred in her sleep dreaming of her husband and his hand was reaching out to her . She reached forward in her sleep to touch his hand but it just seemed too far out of reach . While her mother slept Clarinda kept the children busy as she read several books to them . At least they had books that she managed to get from the library that were going to be thrown away . They were tattered just like the rest of the things in her life . It was nearly noon and her mother still had not woken up . She would have to feed the children their lunch and then tackle the clothes . Clarinda knew that if she didn 't get the clothes over to the Antonelli 's today they would not get paid full price for the wash . She put together the last two slices of bread to make a bread and butter sandwich and split it between the children . While they were busy eating she would start the wash . There was a small basket in the laundry area which was filled with their clothes and the larger basket was the Antonelli 's . Clarinda put in the first load and added the detergent which was getting low . She made sure to use it sparingly so she would have enough to finish all the clothes . While the machine was going she hurried back to check on her brother and sister . Andrew and Brenda were just finishing up the last of their sandwiches and looking for more . Clarinda checked the cabinets once again for anything to fill their little stomachs before her own . She found a few crackers which she doled out to them and ate one herself . That would be the only lunch she would have . She wasn 't a large person but she felt she could afford to lose weight but not her younger siblings who needed the nourishment more . She gave them each a full glass of water to fill them up more before putting them both down for a nap . After tucking them in to their beds she hurried back to the clothes to transfer the clean ones to the dryer and the dirty ones into the washer . At this rate it would take all day to finish washing the clothes besides having to iron them too . Clarinda worked tirelessly for two hours without stopping until she heard Brenda crying . She rushed through the last bit of ironing and shut off the iron . As she headed into the children 's room she was greeted by smiles and happy jumping as Brenda put her arms out to her from her crib and Andrew got out of bed and snuggled close to her side . Clarinda wrapped them both in her arms and held them tightly wanting only to protect and keep them safe - if only she could . She was getting concerned about her mother since she still hadn 't woken up yet . When she opened the bedroom door she noticed her mother 's arm was hanging over the side of the bed . She moved closer and turned on the light on the night stand . What she saw made her cry out in alarm . Her mother was still and not breathing . Clarinda shook her mother 's shoulder and called out her name . Clarinda was afraid that her mother might be gone and never wake up again . The children started to cry as they felt something was wrong when Clarinda cried out and only clung tighter to their sister . Clarinda picked up the phone on the night stand and called Dr . Harvey who was their family physician . When his secretary , Denise , answered Clarinda couldn 't speak as tears kept flooding her eyes and chocking up her speech . The children only cried louder making it even more difficult for Clarinda to hear Denise as she asked what was wrong . Denise waved at Dr . Harvey as he came into the office and pointed to the phone mouthing that it was Clarinda . He picked up the extension and asked , " Clarinda , what is wrong sweetheart ? " Dr . Harvey yelled into the phone to try to be heard over all the crying . " Where is your mother , dear ? " " Sss … . she is in bed , Dr . Harvey . She is not moving and I can 't wake her up . I don 't know what to do . I have to take the clothes to the Antonelli 's or Mommy will be angry and she won 't get paid . Can you come over and help me ? " Clarinda sniffled and wiped her eyes and nose on her sleeves as she tried to hold onto the children at the same time . They were so frightened they wouldn 't let go of her anyway . " Of course , Clarinda , I will be right over . Just sit tight and I 'll come and check on your mother and stay with the children while you take over the clothes . Okay , dear . Please don 't cry now . I will be right there . " Dr . Harvey put down the phone and felt his hands shaking as he took in what the poor child must be dealing with . He needed to get over to her house immediately . He told his secretary to hold all calls and postpone his afternoon appointments and that he would not be in the office the rest of the day . Denise nodded sadly , " Of course , Dr . Harvey . Is there anything I can do ? " " No , Denise , but thank you . I need to find out if Miranda is okay and stay with the young ones . Clarinda is in such a state over the Antonelli 's clothes . I didn 't realize how bad things had gotten for the family . I feel terrible that I could have helped the Davises in some way and didn 't . Could you please lock up after you contact all the patients ? Go home early , Denise , you work too hard and need a break . Thank you for everything . " " No problem , Dr . Harvey . I hope Mrs . Davis is okay . If you need a babysitter I can go over there after I leave here . Call me on my cell . Okay ? " " That is very kind of you , Denise , but I think I can manage . But it is good to know that you are available in case I need you . Thank you . I will see you tomorrow . " Clarinda paced back and forth with Brenda in her arms and Andrew hanging onto her right leg . She kept looking out the window hoping to see Dr . Harvey 's car . It had only be twenty minutes since she spoke to him . He did say he was coming . But she was worried because her mother still hadn 't woken up . Dr . Harvey pulled into the Davis ' drive and got out of his car . He looked up and saw Clarinda in the window waving at him to come in . He could see she was still crying and the children were upset too . He carried his medical bag with him as he stepped up to the door . He didn 't get to knock as the door was pulled open and Clarinda ran into his arms choking back more tears . Dr . Harvey patted her on the back and held her as she cried uncontrollably . He moved into the living room with Clarinda hanging onto him while the little ones hung onto her . He wanted to console her but needed to get into Miranda 's room to check her out . He was concerned that she was close to comatose if what Clarinda said was true about not being able to wake her up . He only hoped he wasn 't too late to help her . " Clarinda , please sit down and try to calm yourself down so the little ones won 't be upset too . Okay , dear . I will go check on your mother and be right back . Why don 't you give the children something to eat while I am gone ? " We … . we don 't have any more food , Dr . Harvey . I gave the children the rest of the food for lunch . That is why I have to go to the Antonelli 's to get paid for washing and ironing their clothes . " Clarinda started crying again and this time couldn 't stop . Her siblings started whining and fussing once " Oh , my goodness , Clarinda , I am so sorry I didn 't know . I will take you over to the Antonelli 's child and then we will all go out to get something to eat . Okay ? Now just sit tight and calm the children down . " Dr . Harvey opened the door to Miranda 's room and flicked on the light . What he saw wasn 't good . Miranda was laying on her side with her left arm hanging over the side of the bed . Her eyes were closed and he couldn 't detect any movement in her chest to indicate she was breathing . He pulled out his stethoscope and bent over her body to listen to her lungs and pulses . Her chest was congested and he detected a light heart rhythm and he lifted up her eyelids to check her pupils which were reacting to light . She would need to be hospitalized with what appeared to be a severe case of pneumonia . Dr . Harvey lifted up the phone and called the hospital to get an ambulance for Miranda ASAP . " This is Dr . Harvey . I am with Miranda Davis and her children . I need your help , Mrs . Antonelli . I learned from Clarinda , her ten - year - old daughter , that she was to bring over your wash and be paid for this service . Is that correct ? " " Well , Mrs . Davis is very ill and is going into the hospital and will be unable to take care of her three children . Do you think you could help her by taking her children in until she is out of the hospital and well enough to take care of them again ? I really don 't know where to turn at this time . They are really in desperate need and it is almost Christmas . Do you think you can help ? " Dr . Harvey waited what seemed like minutes but were actually only " I see . I didn 't realize that Mrs . Davis was sick or I wouldn 't have asked her to continue to work for me . I am sorry to hear that . I also didn 't realize she had three children . I only know of Clarinda . How old are the other two children ? " Mrs . Antonelli 's voice sounded a little surprised by the fact that there were three children to care for . Dr . Harvey continued to persuade Mrs . Antonelli as he said , " Besides Clarinda who is ten , there is her brother Andrew , four , and sister , Brenda , who is two . Life has not been easy for them and Clarinda has been taking care of them all by herself since her mother has been sick . Anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated . I need to take Miranda to the hospital now so if you could come over here and watch the children or pick them up and take them to your house it would be helpful . Oh , and Mrs . Antonelli , please feed them . They haven 't had much to eat today . " Dr . Harvey was getting a little anxious for Mrs . Antonelli 's answer as he watched the ambulance pull up outside the house . " Thank you , Mrs . Antonelli . I appreciate your help . It will mean a lot to Mrs . Davis too . She is in a bad way right now and can 't thank you herself but I will let her know what you are doing as soon as she is lucid . Merry Christmas , Mrs . Antonelli . " Mrs . Antonelli , Angela , as most people knew her , grabbed her coat off the high coat rack and her keys off the counter and went out to the garage to her Bentley to drive over to Mrs . Davis ' to pick up the children . She was not a cold person but she was anxious about having to take care of three children . She never could have any of her own though she and her husband had tried for many years until she knew it was not to be . She didn 't know if she could do this but to refuse would be inhumane since Mrs . Davis was going to the hospital and had no one to take care of the children . She would just have to do her best and soon their mother would be back in good health . Angela pulled into the drive next to the ambulance and ran up to the door as the EMTs rolled out a stretcher with Mrs . Davis . She moved aside and went into the house and was met by Dr . Harvey . Behind him stood three little waifs who looked scared and lost and so sad . She noticed they had all been recently crying which touched her deeply . She wanted to wrap her arms around them and tell them it was going to be all right . But she found that she couldn 't move and didn 't until Dr . Harvey brought her out of her stupor . " Mrs . Antonelli please come it . Let me introduce you to the children - Clarinda , Andrew , and Brenda . They have been looking forward to meeting you and staying with you until their mother is well . " Dr . Harvey leaned forward and whispered out of earshot of the children , " Thank you , Mrs . Antonelli , for doing this . It means the world to me and to Mrs . Davis . Clarinda will pack up some clothes and things for herself and her siblings and be ready to leave shortly . Now I need to follow the ambulance and get to the hospital to take care of Mrs . Davis . Thank you again , Mrs . Antonelli . It is wonderful of you to do this . I will contact you to see how the children are doing in a day or so . Take care children and be good for Mrs . Antonelli . " Mrs . Antonelli turned to look at Clarinda but was at a loss for words as she watched the tears flowing from the ten - year - olds ' eyes . It hurt her deeply to see the child in such torment . She offered Clarinda her handkerchief to wipe her tears and watched as the child composed herself and put on a strong front for her siblings who looked on with frightened faces . They were just babies , thought Angela . What was she taking on ? Could she do this ? Angela waved at the little ones and put her hands out to them and they came forward and grabbed onto her fingers as they were visibly trembling from everything going on around them . Angela could see they were confused and frightened and missed their mother . She waited at the door with the children holding tightly to her fingers as Clarinda came back with her hands full of clothes and a few ragged stuffed animals . She rummaged around in the kitchen for a plastic bag in which to put their clothes and two stuffed animals . Now it was time to go to Mrs . Antonelli 's house . She really didn 't know anything about this lady but what her mother had told her - she was a cold woman who didn 't like children and never had any of her own . Would she be good to her and her siblings ? She would protect her brother and sister and not let this lady hurt them in any way . She took a deep breath as she always had to get her strength up and face whatever was ahead . She turned to face Mrs . Antonelli who was holding onto her brother and sister . Mrs . Antonelli looked kindly at Clarinda and said , " Hi Clarinda , it is nice to meet you . I hope you and your brother and sister will be happy staying with me while your mother recuperates . Do you have everything you need ? If not , I will get whatever you need for all of you . Don 't worry about anything , dear . Let me take care of you . " Angela waited to see what Clarinda would say but she just looked at Mrs . Antonelli with eyes full of tears threatening to fall . Mrs . Antonelli beckoned for Clarinda to come forward so they could leave . The children were getting antsy and tired and were hungry . They hadn 't eaten since noon time . Clarinda only hoped that Mrs . Antonelli would feed the children so they would be able to sleep the night through with full tummies . She couldn 't remember when she last had a full tummy at bedtime or any time . Angela led the children out to her car after locking up the house and making sure that Clarinda had a key to get back in case she forgot something . After making sure the children were snapped into seat belts she headed home . She would have to make sure she purchased car seats for the younger children . At least she didn 't have to go too far with them since she only lived a block away and didn 't have to worry about being stopped and fined for not having them in car seats . When they arrived at her house , Angela went to the kitchen and prepared a nourishing dinner for the children . They looked a little pale and underfed and by what Dr . Harvey said they were very needy . Looking around the room at their house she hadn 't seen any signs of toys that children always leave out and about . She reminded herself to make a list for toys and more snacks that kids like on her next shopping trip . The saddest of all was the lack of any Christmas decorations for the children in their house . She would take care of that too before Christmas . In the meantime Angela had a lot to do and for once in her life felt alive and full of purpose and needed . Her husband was expected from work shortly and she would have to call ahead to prepare him for what she had promised to do . Leonard was a kind man and would be more than accepting of their three young visitors . Angela dialed her husband and Leonard answered in his usual gregarious voice , " Hi Doll Face ! How are you ? You couldn 't wait for me to come home - you missed me that much ? Is everything okay , love ? " " Yes , sweetheart , I just wanted to tell you something that I did today . It 's very important and I needed to help and …… " Angela didn 't know how to tell him but finally blurted it out . " I took in Mrs . Davis ' three children , the lady who does our curtains and things over on the next block . She was just admitted to the hospital in a bad way and her physician , Dr . Harvey , called me to help out until she is well enough to care for her children again . " " Sweetheart , whatever you have to do is okay with me . I know you have a kind heart and would take in any stray dog if it needed your help . It is fine with me . How did this doctor know to call you ? Do you know him ? " " No , but he knew from Mrs . Davis ' oldest daughter that she worked for me . He said he didn 't have anyone else to call . I hope you don 't mind , darling . They will be under my care and you won 't have to worry about anything . " " No , I don 't mind . Our house is too big for just us anyway and it would be nice to hear the pitter patter of little feet for a change . Oh , by the way , how old are these children ? " " Well , the oldest , Clarinda , is ten and a real beauty with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes , then there is Andrew , a handsome four - year - old with blond hair and green eyes and his baby sister , Brenda , who is only two . She is just adorable with curly blonde hair and pretty green eyes . Your heart will melt when you meet them . They are so precious and so needy . Would you believe that they don 't own any toys or new clothes ? Also , there were no signs of Christmas in their house . It is so sad for children to live that way . Their mother was having a difficult time on her own . I never realized that she needed help . I would have been more than happy to help if she only had asked me . " " I am sure you will do more than enough to help them now that you know they need help , sweetheart . It is good to hear you sounding so happy . I can 't wait to get home to meet them . See you soon , Angela . " Angela put down the phone and continued making dinner , mac and cheese and chicken fingers and mixed veggies . She wanted to make sure the kids got their veggies too . She heard the sound of feet coming up behind her and looked down to see the sweet faces of Brenda and Andrew and close behind was Clarinda . They were looking at the food with such longing that she told them to go wash their hands and faces and come sit down to eat . They hurried along to the bathroom that had been pointed out to them earlier and came back and sat down before Angela could turn back around with the food in hand . The children were sitting down with napkins tucked under their chins and forks in hand waiting expectantly for their much coveted dinner . Angela placed a plate full of food in front of each child and stepped back . Clarinda jumped up and ran over to her sister 's side and began cutting up her chicken and then moved over to Andrew 's and did the same for him . Angela watched in awe as this young girl acted as if she was their mother . Once she had taken care of her sibling 's needs she sat down and began to eat her own food . The children were so hungry that they ate too fast at first and began to choke . Clarinda jumped up once again to aid her siblings and told them to slow down and chew their food carefully . Angela sat at the other end of the table and watched as the children finished every last morsel in their dishes and drank every drop of their milk . " No , we are fine , thank you , Mrs . Antonelli . It was very good . " Clarinda turned to her siblings and said , " Say ' thank you ' to Mrs . Antonelli , Brenda and Andrew . " Leonard had walked in quietly and had witnessed this unbeknownst to his wife and suddenly cleared his throat to get her attention . She rushed over to hug him and then introduced him to the children . They stood up and looked at him not sure what to do or say . Clarinda broke the silence by saying , " Hello , Mr . Antonelli , nice to meet you . Thank you for letting us stay in your home . " She walked over to Leonard and extended her small hand in greeting . Clarinda brought her brother and sister in turn over to Mr . Antonelli and they both shake his hand too . Leonard just wiped his eyes and smiled and said , " It is a real pleasure to meet all of you too . I hope you enjoy staying with us as much as I am sure we will enjoy you being here . " Angela finished up the dishes and told Leonard that she was going to put the children to bed upstairs in the three guest rooms . They had five bedrooms and four bathrooms which they had hoped one day to fill . Now at least they would be using three of them . The children followed Angela up the long winding staircase to begin their unexpected stay at this big strange house . When they were situated in their rooms Clarinda requested that they all stay in the same room since there were two beds in each spacious room which was more than enough for the three of them . She didn 't want to be separated from her siblings and they too would not do well too far away from her either . Once Brenda 's head hit the pillow she was off as well as Andrew . It was the first time they had full stomachs at bedtime . Once she was sure they were asleep she allowed herself to snuggle down under the warm , soft comforter and she , too , fell fast asleep . Angela peeked in at them and tucked them all in and gave each a peck on the cheek . She shut off the light but not before looking fondly at each sweet face in the beds . She felt such a longing and a tightness in her chest that she thought she was having a heart attack . She realized that it was pure joy at finally having children in her home , something that she had always wanted . Angela flew downstairs to her husband and rushed into his arms as her tears fell onto his shoulder . He held her tightly and said , " Whatever happens , sweetheart , I promise you that we will adopt a child once these children go back to their mother . I see now how much you need to have a child and , I have to admit , I need one too . These three are very precious aren 't they ? " " I pray that their mother recovers and can take care of them . I wanted to talk to you about that . Do you think she will mind if we give each child a share of our trust so that they can have enough to eat , clothes to wear and be able to get a good education one day . Maybe we can give them the best Christmas they ever had this year . " " Tomorrow we will go out and start Christmas shopping for the children and decorate the house and get a tree and …… Oh , Leonard , I have never felt happier in my life all due to poor Mrs . Davis ' getting sick . I pray that she will be well soon . In the meantime we will give her children a home with us and do all we can to help her by paying all her bills in the hospital and on her house . No one should have to live as she did . Maybe she would like to live here with us . We certainly have enough room for everyone . We have so much to give and we need so little for ourselves . Up until now I didn 't feel like celebrating Christmas and hadn 't even bothered to put up the tree . But now with these lovely children I want to go all out and decorate from top to bottom . " " Yes , my darling , whatever your heart desires we will do . It is such a joy to see you so happy . But let 's take it one day at a time . We don 't want Mrs . Davis to feel as if we are trying to take over . She may want to go to her own home when she is well . The ringing of the phone startled them as they were lost in their plans . Leonard went to pick it up and raised his hand for Angela to come closer as she heard him say , " Yes , Dr . Harvey , the children are doing fine . They are all tucked in bed and sound asleep . How is Mrs . Davis doing ? Do you know when she will be returning home yet ? " Dr . Harvey explained , " She is very sick but is coming around now and is taking fluids . I hope to see her feeling better by tomorrow in case you want to bring the children by for a little while . They will have to wear masks when they visit with her . We don 't want them getting sick too . She asked for them as soon as she was awake . I told her that you and your wife were taking care of them . She was very pleased and said to tell you ' thank you very much for your kindness . ' " " Yes , we were just discussing that . We want to bring the children by on Christmas Day so they can celebrate the day with their mother . I will bring a dinner for all of us if you care to join us . Will the hospital allow us to do that ? " " I will make sure they do . Don 't you worry about that , Mr . Antonelli . I have a lot of pull around here . Mrs . Davis will be very happy to hear this . It will give her an extra day to recuperate and rest more . This is very gracious of both of you . Thank you . Well , I just wanted to check in on the children . Have to get back to rounds . Hope you both have a good evening and thank you again . Goodnight . " " You are very welcome , Dr . Harvey . Goodnight . " Leonard hung up the phone and turned to his wife and nodded . " It is all set we can go visit on Christmas . The children will be so happy . " Clarinda jumped up from her warm bed and looked around and realized where she was but something wasn 't right . Oh my God ! She just remembered she forgot to bring Mrs . Antonelli 's wash ? How would she get paid so she could buy the children gifts for Christmas ? She must tell Mrs . Antonelli . Clarinda ran all the way down the stairs and stopped at the foot of the stairs when she saw the Antonelli 's hugging and crying . She wondered what was wrong . Were they upset because she and her siblings were there ? They went over to her and took her into their arms and hugged her . Clarinda hugged them back but was surprised at their gesture . She stepped back and said , " Excuse me Mr . & Mrs . Antonelli , but I almost forgot to tell you I finished your wash and left it at my house . Do you want me to go get it so you can pay me ? I need to buy my brother and sister and mother a gift for Christmas . " " Oh , no , dear sweet child . You will never have to wash or do anything like that again . We will take care of you and your siblings and your mother for as long as we live and you will never want for anything . May God bless you all . You will always have a home here , too , if you ever need us . " Clarinda couldn 't say a word she was shocked at what these nice people had just said . All she could do was cry and run into their arms and kiss them and thank them again and again but added , " Can we go visit our mother in the hospital on Christmas Day ? I don 't want her to be alone . " Clarinda looked on the verge of tears just talking about her sick mother . " Oh , dear sweet child , of course . We were going to tell you tomorrow about what we planned to do . We are going to go shopping for new clothes for you and your siblings and buy each of you a present to give to your mother for Christmas . We will bring a Christmas dinner to her and we can all eat together . I am sure the hospital will allow us to eat together so we can celebrate the holiday as a family . When we get back we will go over to your house and decorate and buy some new things for your rooms and for your mother too . We want your house to look like new for when your mother returns home . " Angela had tears in her eyes as she explained their plan . " Oh , Mr . & Mrs . Antonelli , this is the best Christmas I have ever had ! Thank you so much ! Now I can go to asleep ! I can 't wait to tell Andrew and Brenda that we are going to see Mama and celebrate Christmas together . Good night and Merry Christmas ! " Angela and Leonard hugged and cried as they talked excitedly about what they were going to do and buy for the children and their mother for Christmas . They had never remembered feeling such pure joy . They gave thanks to God for bringing these children and their mother into their lonely lives . They vowed from this day on to always give to those in need not just at Christmas time but all the time . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews , Short Stories . Tagged Adults , Children , Christmas , giving , Pay it forward , postaday , Sharing , Short Story , Teens , YA Review : The Scandalous Sisterhood of Prickwillow Place ~ Julie Berry The character descriptions are very basic and , as in most children 's books not full of the in - depth backstories that readers have to cope with as they get older . To make the characters more memorable to the age group this book is aimed at , the Author associates traits to them and then uses these traits in the naming protocol for the characters throughout the book . As fun as this was , and a middle grader would probably enjoy it immensely , this was the weakest link in this book for me , and the reason it only gained a three thumbs review . All the characters are nicely stereotyped though , and as with all things farcical this fits the overall tone of the novel very well indeed although it did bring up the problem for me that , as I read through the book , all the schoolgirls tended to ' speak ' with the same voice . Again I couldn 't see this been a big issue with the audience the book was aimed at , and put it down to my ancient age . As the book progresses though , despite the Authors attempts to keep the main characters tied to their adjective laden names , their true characters begin to leak through and the reader gains a small insight into the backgrounds and home lives these girls have . One thing that comes through loud and clear , and ties all these girls together is that none of them want to return home , and this is major driving force behind the book . Although this is a complete farce , with murder , mystery and a few thrills thrown in , it is also a cleverly written historical novel which brings to light the societal perception of women in the nineteenth century . Not only does the reader subtly learn of how society perceived women , but it also gives them a look at what it meant to be a young woman / girl in this time , and how the ' rules ' affected the way they not only saw themselves but the world around them . The book itself is a very effective period mystery that has been well researched and then had the facts woven together with fiction in a clever way . However I do feel that this may receive a better reception if aimed at the high school age group rather than middle school , as they would be more attuned to picking up on some of the nuances than a younger reader may be . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 3 Thumbs , Boarding School , Death , England , Historical , Murder , Mystery , postaday , Teens , Victorian , YA Rory Gilmore ~ The First Thirty I have to admit that I have never seen an episode of The Gilmore Girls ; I have no clue who Rory Gilmore is , but I can say it 's a pleasure to hear of such a bookish person being featured in , what I can only assume , is a popular programme . Going through the list I have marked those books I have read , whether or not they are reviewed on this site , and am going to try and get through some more of them as there appears to be some very interesting books on the list . Because there are so many books , I 'm only going feature the first thirty in this post , and will add the remainder over the coming weeks . The list is composed of some of the best traditional and modern classics out there in my opinion , so hopefully everyone can find a few they would enjoy reading to fill the upcoming winter months . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Articles . Tagged Adults , Authors , book clubs , Books , Catholic Church , Death , Drama , England , experience , France , Historical , literature , pleasure , postaday , Teens , YA Post navigation Welcome everyone to my blog ! My name is Cate and I recently decided that , rather than keep my reviews of books I 've read limited to one medium , I would create a blog for every book lover to access on the internet . Why ? Well , because I love to read and also because I want to help out authors by giving their books a spotlight on my blog , and possibly help them reach a wider audience . So take a look around and enjoy yourself ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Passive Voice Упражнение 300 1 . shall be asked . 2 . was always spoken . 3 . was expected . 4 . would be opened . 5 . is ( being ) sold . 6 . were looked , was found . 7 . were made . 8 . had been received . 9 . have just been introduced . 10 . will be taken , will be brought . Упражнение 301 1 . This book was borrowed from the library only yesterday . 2 . These three students were asked two days ago . 3 . Were you examined in the morning ? 4 . This mouse was caught at night . 5 . Very beautiful bags are made at our factory . 6 . Letters can be sent there only in summer , but telegrams all the year round . 7 . My friend is sent abroad every year . 8 . She was sent to hospital two days ago . 9 . Yesterday we were sent to the laboratory . 10 . This composition was written last week . 11 . The telegram was sent late at night , and he will receive it only in the morning . 12 . This article must be read by the whole group . 13 . This exercise may be written in pencil . 14 . All your compositions will be returned next week . 15 . This letter can be written on a piece of paper . 1 . We were shown a very strange picture . 2 . You are being looked for . Go home . 3 . All of you will be gathered in the hall and told about all the changes in the school curriculum . 4 . Why is he always laughed at ? 5 . All of us were given tickets to the exhibition . 6 . The lectures of this famous professor are always listened to with great attention . 7 . Am I being waited for ? 8 . They were asked three difficult questions . 9 . The headmaster has already been sent for . Please wait a little . 10 . Everybody was invited to a big hall . 11 . These letters have been looked through . They can be sent . 12 . At the station they were met by the guide and taken to the hotel . 13 . These magazines must be returned to the library next week . 14 . At our lessons much attention is paid to pronunciation . 15 . Ivanov was told to explain why he missed classes . 16 . Shall I be invited to your party ? 17 . The children were left alone at home . Упражнение 303 1 . This doctor is often sent for . 2 . He is always met by his friends at the railway station . 3 . Are you given books for reading at school ? 4 . The prisoners were brought into a big hall . 5 . What exercises were done in class ? 6 . Who was this letter written by ? 7 . Many schools will be built next year . 8 . He is laughed at by everybody . 9 . Will this work be finished next week ? 10 . When were these apple trees planted ? 11 . He was often remembered and spoken about at the institute . 12 . Shall we be met at the station ? 13 . The answer will be sent in a few days . 14 . When were you asked ? 15 . This translation will be finished in a few days . 16 . Will this book be returned in time ? 17 . Не will be met by his father at the railway station . 18 . These pictures were painted in the 16th century . 19 . Are these books used for work ? 20 . In Italy we shall be shown many places of interest . 21 . This man was followed by a great crowd . 22 . When the new story was being read , somebody knocked at the door . 23 . We have already been invited to the party . 24 . When mother came , dinner had already been cooked . Упражнение 304 1 . The letters were left on the table . 2 . The boy was not allowed to bathe in the river . 3 . After dinner the dishes were washed . 4 . The letter was written yesterday . 5 . This article was written by an English journalist . 6 . This poem must be learnt by all the students of our group . 7 . We were shown many beautiful things . 8 . The poem was learnt by heart . 9 . They will be taught English . 10 . When the apple was eaten ( had been eaten ) , the girl took the doll and went into the room . 11 . When will your book be written ? 12 . All these books have been borrowed from the library . 13 . The dictation was handed in to the teacher after the bell rang . 14 . I thought that bread and butter would be bought by my sister . 15 . In spring this field will be covered with green grass and flowers . 16 . The homework was prepared , the books and exercise books were put into the bag . 17 . The work was done very well . 18 . The article must be translated by five o ' clock . 19 . The translation will be finished in time . 20 . When I came home , soup had already been cooked . 21 . The article was translated without mistakes . 22 . The book was put into the bookcase . 1 . Where is your brother now ? - He has been sent to France . 2 . You have just been spoken about . 3 . At home she was laughed at . 4 . " I have just been ordered to bring in the prisoners , " said the soldier . 5 . Who was this letter written by ? . 6 . These flowers have just been picked . 7 . Were you asked to come a little earlier yesterday ? 8 . Next year his play will be staged at this theatre . 9 . This professor is always sent for in difficult situations . 10 . St . Paul 's Cathedral was built by the architect Wren . 11 . When was the letter written ? 12 . Where have the books been put ? 13 . The doctor will be sent for tomorrow . 14 . Many houses are built in St . Petersburg . 15 . Books by English and American writers are published all over the world . 16 . By the time he came , the letter had already been received . 17 . Our house is being repaired now . 18 . Nick is just being asked . 19 . Have the books been brought from the library ? 20 . This cinema had been built before we came here . 21 . Robert Burns ' poems are known in many countries of the world . 22 . When Charles Dickens was a little boy , his father was put into a debtors ' prison . 23 . This opera was written a hundred years ago . 24 . This novel has already been translated into five languages . 25 . Dinner was being cooked when I came home . 1 . I was introduced to her father yesterday . 2 . When I return home , all my suitcases will be packed ( will have been packed ) . 3 . What textbook is referred to in your report ? 4 . Had this composition been written before you made your report ? 5 . She was listened to very inattentively and everything she said was soon forgotten . 6 . This episode is much spoken about in our house . 7 . We were taken into the hall and offered good seats . 8 . Has the medicine been sent for ? - Yes , it is being looked for . 9 . He was brought up by his sister . 10 . Don 't worry , he will be helped with his work . 11 . Three new schools are being built in our district . 12 . This bridge is still being built . It was being built when I saw it for the first time . 13 . When I began helping them , they had already been translating the article for two hours , but it had not yet been translated . 14 . When I come home , dinner will still be cooked . 15 . This story was discussed at the literature lesson . 16 . Don 't speak until you are spoken to . 17 . Agatha Christie 's works have been translated to more than 100 languages . 1 . My uncle said he had just come back from the Caucasus . 2 . He said he had spent a fortnight in the Caucasus . 3 . He said it had done him a lot of good . 4 . He said he felt better now . 5 . He said his wife and he had spent most of their time on the beach . 6 . He said they had done a lot of sightseeing . 7 . He said he had a good camera . 8 . He said he had taken many photographs while travelling in the Caucasus . 9 . He said he would come to see us next Sunday . 10 . He said he would bring and show us the photographs he had taken during his stay in the Caucasus . 1 . Mike said he was sure Ann and Kate would be excellent guides . 2 . He said they had made good progress in English . 3 . Oleg said that in a day or two several English students would come to pay a visit to their school and he would probably have to act as an interpreter . 4 . Ann said she had just met Boris in the street . 5 . She said Boris had told her a lot of interesting things about his travels in the south . 6 . Nick said he was going to the hotel to see his friends who had just arrived in St . Petersburg from the United States of America . 7 . He said they had not been here for a long time . 8 . He said they had been friends at school . 9 . He said he would take them to the theatre on Sunday . 10 . They said they would write me a letter when they returned home . Упражнение 311 1 . were waiting . 2 . had already wound . 3 . would not be , went . 4 . knows . 5 . had not come . 6 . remembered . 7 . would arrest . 8 . did not want . 9 . will send . 10 . would leave . 11 . has already found . 12 . was striking . 13 . could , was . 14 . had ever travelled . 15 . was running . 16 . had just gone , would be . 1 . I was afraid that you would fall and break your leg . 2 . I knew that my friend had never been to Washington . 3 . I was told that she never drank milk . 4 . We were told that he was a very talented singer . 5 . We knew that they lived a happy life . 6 . She thought that the children were playing in the yard . 7 . She hoped that her friend would come to see her . 8 . He thought that father had repaired his bicycle . 9 . I supposed that she knew English very well . 10 . We were sure that our sportsmen would win the game . 11 . I found out that he did not know German at all . 12 . She was glad that she had made no mistakes in her dictation . 13 . I knew that he worked at his English hard . 14 . I was told that she danced better than anybody else . 15 . I learnt that my cousin had received a very interesting offer from his firm . 16 . My aunt wrote in her letter that she would come to stay with us . 17 . We heard that he was painting a new picture . 18 . We were sure that his new picture would be a masterpiece . 1 . I knew that Ann worked at a plant , that she had a husband and two children , that her family was very friendly and she was happy . 2 . He told me yesterday that he had studied at the university before . 3 . Last week we decided that next year we should all go to the Crimea . 4 . My sister said that she wanted to come to our place herself . 5 . I knew that she was very busy . 6 . Nobody knew that you were waiting here . Let 's go into the house . 7 . The guide warned us that in this part of the town the traffic was rather heavy . 8 . The secretary did not notice that the headmaster was speaking with somebody . 9 . We all knew that her family was in St . Petersburg again . 10 . Lena said that she was giving us this picture . 11 . She said that her colleagues always gave her very good advice . 12 . He said that he liked that play . 13 . Last year they thought that they would never read English well , but yesterday they saw that they read texts rather well . 14 . He told me yesterday that his father was a professor and lived in Moscow . 1 . I was afraid that I should lose my way in the forest . 2 . She knew that we had never seen her picture . 3 . The scientist was sure that he would find the solution of the problem . 4 . I knew that you had come to St . Petersburg and supposed that you would visit me . 5 . We did not think that he would be so angry . 6 . We learnt yesterday that she was ill . 7 . He thought that she would not come to school . 8 . I knew that my sister was studying French and thought that she would go to Paris . 9 . I was told that you had rung me up . 10 . I thought that you were in Moscow . 11 . I did not know that you had already returned to St . Petersburg . 12 . We hoped that we should go to London . 13 . The teacher said that our friends had sent a letter from London . 14 . She said that her friend had invited her to the theatre . 15 . We were afraid that we should not buy ( be able to buy ) a ticket to the theatre . 16 . We saw that the children were playing in the sand . 17 . She said that she would not bathe any more because the water was cold . 18 . My cousin said that she liked opera and would be glad to go to the theatre with us , although she had already listened to La Traviata twice . Упражнение 315 1 . Everybody was sure that Boris would pass his examinations well . 2 . He said that Lev ( Leo ) Tolstoy was his favourite writer . 3 . I knew that you lived in Moscow , but I did not know your address . 4 . He said that he would give up smoking . 5 . Everybody knew that she would go to Rome . 6 . We are sorry , we did not think that you were waiting for us . 7 . I did not know that you liked football , too . 8 . I was sure that he would be an outstanding actor . 9 . I was afraid that you would not follow my advice . 10 . I did not know that you would work in the reading room . 11 . I thought that he would wait for me . 12 . He was afraid that it would be difficult for him to make a report . 13 . He told us that when he had entered the room , his friend was already sitting on the sofa . He was reading a newspaper . 14 . We hoped that she would come soon . 15 . He said that he did not know when the conference would begin . 16 . I was sure that if we hurried , we should not miss the train . 17 . He asked me what I should do in the evening . I answered that I did not know if I should be free in the evening , but told him that if I was free , I should ring him up about eight o ' clock . Упражнение 316 1 . My friend asked me to explain to him how to solve that problem . 2 . The doctor told Nick to open his mouth and show him his tongue . 3 . The man told Kate not to be afraid of his dog . 4 . The librarian told the boy to take that book and read it . 5 . The doctor told Pete not to go for a walk that day . 6 . Nick 's mother told him not to eat too much ice cream . 7 . The teacher told us to go home . 8 . My mother asked me to buy some meat in the shop . 9 . My mother told me to sit down at the table and do my homework . 10 . Granny told Helen not to forget to clean her teeth . 11 . The doctor told Mary not to sit up late . Упражнение 317 1 . The teacher told me to hand that note to my parents . 2 . Oleg told his sister to put the letter into an envelope and give it to Kate . 3 . Robert asked Henry to help him with that work . 4 . He asked the waitress to bring him some fish soup . 5 . She told me not to worry over such a small thing . 6 . Mary asked her friend not to mention it to anybody . 7 . Jane asked Alice to promise to come and see her . 8 . He told us to come there the next day . 9 . I asked Mike to send me a telegram as soon as he arrived . 10 . Father told me not to stay there long . 11 . Peter told them not to leave the room until he came back . 12 . He told the porter to take his luggage to Room 145 . 13 . He asked me to ring him up the next day . 14 . She asked the waiter to bring her a cup of black coffee . 15 . Mother told us not to be late for dinner . 16 . Jane asked us to tell her all we knew about it . 17 . She asked Nick not to say anything about it to his sister . Упражнение 318 1 . Oleg said that his room was on the second floor . 2 . He said that he was sure she would ring him up when she was back in St . Petersburg . 3 . Misha said that he had seen them at his parents ' house the year before . 4 . He said that he had not seen his cousin that day . 5 . She said that she did not go to that shop very often . 6 . Tom said that he had already had breakfast and so he was not hungry . 7 . He said that he had just received a letter from his uncle . 8 . He told me that he was going to the theatre that night . 9 . Mike said that he had spoken to Mr . Brown that morning . 10 . He told her that he would do it that day if he had time . 11 . I told them that I could give them my uncle 's address . Упражнение 319 1 . The woman told her son that she was glad she was there . 2 . Mike said that they had bought those books that day . 3 . She told me that now she could read my translation . 4 . The woman said that that man had spoken to her on the road . 5 . My classmate told me that he could not explain that rule to me . 6 . The teacher told the class that they would discuss that subject the next day . 7 . Our teacher said that Thackeray 's novels were very interesting . 8 . She said that we should read that book in the 9th form . 9 . Nellie said that she had read " Jane Eyre " the year before . 10 . Alec said that his friend lived in Moscow . 11 . The teacher told me that I had not done my work well . 12 . The poor man told the rich man that his horse was wild and that it could kill the rich man 's horse . 13 . The rich man told the judge that the poor man 's horse had killed his horse . Упражнение 320 1 . Masha said that she usually spent her holidays in the south . 2 . She said that she had spent her holidays in the Crimea the year before . 3 . Boris said that he went to the south every year . 4 . He said that he was going to a health resort the next day . 5 . Ann told us that they hadn 't yet come . 6 . She told us that they had arrived in St . Petersburg the day before . 7 . I said that I had been in London the year before and added that my friends in London sometimes invited me to spend my holidays with them . 8 . Nick said that he had never been to London and added that he thought he would go there the following year . 9 . He said that he would not stay with his friends too long . 10 . Не told me that they were staying at the Europe Hotel . 11 . He said that they were leaving the following Monday . 12 . The clerk told them that they could leave the key with the maid upstairs . Упражнение 321 1 . The mother told the doctor that the children were in the nursery . 2 . The boy told his mother that he had no time for lunch that day . 3 . The woman told me that I spoke English very well . 4 . My brother told me that he was going to become a doctor . 5 . My uncle told us that he bought several newspapers every day . 6 . The teacher told the pupils that the following year they would have six hours of English a week . 7 . He told me that he wanted to see me that day . 8 . She said that she was free that night . 9 . Mother told me that she felt bad that day . 10 . The pupil told the teacher that he could do his homework after dinner . 11 . The teacher told Jack that she knew that he worked hard and added that he was a good boy . 12 . The old man told the girl that she could sing perfectly and added that he thought that she would be a famous singer . 13 . My sister told me that I looked very well , much better than I had looked the day before . She added that she thought I had recovered after my illness . 14 . My guest told me that I was an excellent cook and added that everything was very tasty . 15 . The student said that he could not answer that question because he did not understand it . Упражнение 322 1 . My friend told me that he would come as soon as he was ready . 2 . My sister said that we should know - that she had gone to the concert if she was not at home by eight . 3 . My girlfriend said that she would come to the Philharmonic with me if I got tickets . 4 . She told us that five years before there had been no people living there at all . 5 . Fred said that he would go skiing on Sunday if he had time . 6 . He said that they had finished building that house only the week before . 7 . Mary said that it would be very pleasant when Tom came home . 8 . My friend said that he would do it at once if I liked . 9 . She said that her brother had been there that day . 10 . He said that it was a pity I hadn 't come earlier . 11 . The teacher told the pupils that there would be an interesting lecture at the school assembly hall the next day . She added that one of their teachers would speak about Charles Dickens . 12 . Helen said that the year before she had spent her summer vacation in the Caucasus . 13 . The man said that he had come to live in that town several years before . 14 . Grandmother told us that she would be reading us a story until it was time to go to bed . 15 . My brother said that he had read all about it in that day 's newspaper . 1 . I told my grandmother to listen very carefully , when her turn came , to what the doctor told her . 2 . The laboratory assistant told me that if I was in a hurry , we should only do the first experiment . 3 . The writer told the correspondent that he would not start anything new until he had finished that novel . 4 . The boy 's father told him that when he got a job , he would buy him a warm coat . 5 . My mother told me that if I spilled the milk , there would not be any for the cat . 6 . She told me that she would show me her new dress when I came to see her on Sunday . 7 . Jane told Henry to bring Mary to their house if she arrived before seven . 8 . The PT teacher told the pupils not to wait until he came and to begin playing volleyball as soon as they finished the exercises . 9 . Mary told her mother to ask Robert , as soon as he appeared , where he had put the dictionary . 1 . I shall go to see the doctor tomorrow . 2 . I am ill . 3 . I have fallen ill . 4 . Tom did not come to school yesterday . 5 . You may catch cold . 6 . I have caught cold . 7 . While crossing the English Channel we stayed on deck all the time . 8 . I felt sick when crossing the Channel . 9 . I am feeling bad today . 10 . I have pain in my right side . 11 . I have just been examined by a good doctor . 12 . I shall not come to school until Monday . 13 . I spent a month at a health resort . 14 . My health has greatly improved since then . Упражнение 325 1 . I asked Nick where he was going . 2 . I asked him how long he was going to stay there . 3 . I wanted to know how long it would take him to get there . 4 . He asked her where she usually spent her summer holidays . 5 . Ann wondered when Mike had left London . 6 . She asked Boris when he would be back home . 7 . Boris asked them how he could get to the railway station . 8 . Mary was interested what time Tom would come there the next day . 9 . She asked me why I had not come there the day before . 10 . She wanted to know what I should do the next day if I was not busy at my office . 11 . Pete asked his friends when they were leaving St . Petersburg . 12 . He asked them who they would see before they left there . 13 . They asked him what time the train started . 14 . I asked Mike what he would do after dinner . 15 . I asked my uncle how long he had stayed in the Crimea . 16 . Mother wanted to know who had brought that parcel . 17 . Ada asked me where I had seen such trees . 18 . I asked Becky what kind of book her friend had brought her . Упражнение 326 1 . He didn 't tell anybody where he was going . 2 . Did you know where he had gone ? 3 . Did you know where he was ? 4 . I wanted to know when he was leaving school . 5 . Nobody knew where he lived . 6 . She asked them when he would come back . 7 . He wanted to know where she had bought that hat . 8 . I had no idea how much she had paid for it . 9 . I forgot where I had put the book . 10 . She wanted to know who had given me that nice kitten . 11 . He asked me where he could buy an English - Russian dictionary . 12 . He wondered how long it would take my brother to get to Madrid . Упражнение 327 1 . I asked Boris if his friend lived in London . 2 . I asked the man whether he was living in a hotel . 3 . Nick asked his friend if he would stay at the Hilton . 4 . He asked me whether I often went to see my friends . 5 . He asked me if I should see my friends before I left St . Petersburg . 6 . Mike wondered if Jane would come to the railway station to see him off . 7 . She wanted to know whether I had sent them a telegram . 8 . She asked me if I had sent them a telegram the day before . 9 . I asked Mike if he had packed his suitcase . 10 . I asked Kate if somebody had met her at the station . 11 . I asked her if she could give me their address . 12 . I wanted to know if Tom had had breakfast . 13 . I wondered if my sister would stay at home or go for a walk after dinner . 14 . I asked my mother whether somebody had come to see me . 15 . I asked my sister whether Nick would call for her on the way to school . 16 . She asked the young man if he could call a taxi for her . 17 . Mary asked Peter if he had shown his photo to Dick . 18 . Oleg asked me if I should come there the next day . 19 . He asked us if we had gone to the museum that morning . Упражнение 328 1 . I did not know if they had sold the picture . 2 . I wondered if they knew something about it . 3 . She asked me if Jack had given me his telephone number . 4 . I was not sure if he was coming back that day . 5 . She asked me if I had found the book . 6 . The man asked if there were some more books there . 7 . I wanted to know if she had gone shopping the day before . 8 . He did not ask her whether she had bought the dictionary . 9 . I doubted if she knew the name of the man . 10 . I asked if Boris had seen the man that morning . 1 . Kate wondered if Mike liked her dress . 2 . Grandfather wanted to know what mark Mary had got at school . 3 . My sister asked me whether I should take her to the theatre with me the next day . 4 . Mother asked me if I had played with my friends the day before . 5 . Kate 's mother wondered why Kate didn 't play with her friends . 6 . My little sister asked me if I liked chocolates . 7 . Mr . Brown asked Lena if she had seen her granny the day before . 8 . The doctor asked Nick if he washed his face and hands every morning . 9 . The teacher asked Mike if his father worked at a factory . 10 . Mother asked us what we were doing there . 11 . Father asked Nick if he had done his homework . 12 . Tom asked Ann where her friends were . Упражнение 330 1 . Have they taken the sick man to hospital ? 2 . Do you have a headache ? 3 . When did you fall ill ? 4 . Have you taken your temperature ? 5 . Has the doctor given you any medicine ? Are you feeling better now ? 6 . How long have you been in St . Petersburg ? 7 . Are you going to a health resort ? 8 . Is your father still in Moscow ? 9 . What sort of work does your father do ? 1 . Ann 's grandmother asked her if she liked her pies . 2 . Tom 's mother told him to sit down at the table and do his homework . 3 . John 's father was interested to know what they had done at school the day before . 4 . Helen 's aunt asked her whether she would play the piano that day . 5 . My uncle said that they would visit us the following week . 6 . The man told Nick not to cross the street when the lights were red . 7 . Mike told his father that he had taken a very good book from their library the day before . 8 . Lena asked ( invited ) Jane to come to her house the next day . 9 . Betsy 's mother asked her daughter where her books were . Упражнение 332 1 . My elder sister told me to lock the door when I left the house . 2 . She asked Robert if he had received a telegram from his wife . 3 . Mabel said that nothing would change her decision and she would leave for Cape Town that night . 4 . The old woman asked her nephew not to smoke in the room . 5 . The girl said that she was shivering with cold . 6 . The boy said that he wanted to sit in the armchair . 7 . The secretary told me that the delegation had arrived in St . Petersburg the day before . 8 . She asked me to open the window . 9 . He said that he would light a fire and make himself breakfast . 10 . The mother told her little daughter not to run to the door when she heard the bell . 11 . She asked me how long I was going to stay there . 12 . Mary asked me if I should spend my vacation in Moscow . Упражнение 333 1 . Father told Jane to show him her exercise book . 2 . Kate 's aunt asked the boys what game they were playing there . 3 . Tom 's mother told him not to make noise . 4 . Helen asked Pete if he had played chess with his father the day before . 5 . Kate asked her grandmother to help her ( to ) cook the soup . 6 . Mike told the teacher that his sister knew two foreign languages . 7 . Tom told his sister that he had seen her friend at the library the day before . 8 . The teacher asked the children what they had prepared for that day . 9 . The teacher told the pupils not to open their books . 12 . Mother told me that I should go to the cinema the next day . Упражнение 334 1 . Tom 's mother told him to go to bed . 2 . Nellie told Pete that she had never seen his toys . 3 . The teacher told Nick to give her his record book . 4 . Ann asked Lena to look at her nice kitten . 5 . Our grandmother said that we should go to the zoo the next day . 6 . Mother told Pete not to forget to wash his hands . 7 . Nick told his mother that he was doing his homework . 8 . Mike told the teacher that he had learnt a long poem . 9 . The man told the boys not to play in the street . 10 . My mother wanted to know why I did not drink my tea . 11 . Johnny told his mother that he had seen his friend at the stadium the day before . Упражнение 335 1 . Mike told Kate that he would buy some new stamps for her if she gave him that one . 2 . Mary asked Boris if he would bring his sister to the party with him . 3 . He asked me not to touch him . 4 . My father said that he thought he would not go to the beach with us that day because he was very busy . 5 . Tom told Ann that he was very thirsty and asked her to give him some lemonade . 6 . Aunt Polly told Tom not to lie to her and added that she was tired of his lies . 7 . My friend asked me if I was fond of going to the theatre . He wanted to know if I had seen some plays by Shakespeare . 8 . Nellie asked me if I had seen " Hamlet " the night before . 9 . I asked Nellie whether we should go to the theatre together . 10 . Nellie was interested to know whether Mike liked Shakespeare . She wanted to know if he was going to the theatre that night . Упражнение 336 1 . Prince John asked Locksley why he was shouting . He wanted to know what his name was . 2 . The teacher wanted to know who had read " Ivanhoe " . He asked us whom it had been written by . 3 . One of the pupils asked the teacher of literature what novels they would read the following year . 4 . The Frenchman wanted to know if the river Volga was in Russia . 5 . Ann asked the girls if they were playing volleyball . She added that she had not known that they liked it . 6 . Peter told us not to touch those photographs and explained that they were still wet and we might spoil them . 7 . Fred asked the boys if their friend often came there . He added that he wanted to speak to him . 8 . My friend asked me how I had managed to solve that difficult problem in such a short time . 9 . The teacher told us that we should write a paper the next day . 10 . Kate told Nick that she had seen a new film the day before . Nick wondered whether she had liked it . Упражнение 337 1 . We asked a passerby whether he knew where the Browns lived . 2 . Andrew told us that there were a lot of trains to his station on Sunday and added that we should have no problems getting to his country place . 3 . He asked me if I often met his sister at the library . 4 . Nick wanted to know if the teacher would return their exercise books that day . 5 . The woman said that her nephew was a very capable young man . She added that he had just graduated from college , but he was already a very skilful specialist . 6 . The doctor told me to sit still and not to move my head . 7 . Vera told Helen that she wanted to know how her cousin liked working at that hospital . 8 . The teacher told us not to forget to bring our exercise books the next day and explained that we were going to write a very important paper . 9 . The girl wanted to know how she could get to the curcus . The man told her to take tram number five . 10 . Mike told Kate that he was very sorry and added that he had forgotten to bring her dictionary . 11 . The neighbour wondered when my mother went shopping . Упражнение 338 1 . She said that she was busy that day and that she would be busier the next day . 2 . Jane said that she would come to school early the next day . 3 . They said that they would not go to school on Sunday . 4 . Mr Dickson said that he would have to pay a lot of money for the car . 5 . Peter told me that he would be waiting for me at the station . 6 . Mary said that she would be back soon . 7 . She asked me what I was going to do when I came home . 8 . She said that she hoped she would soon speak English well . 9 . He said that he was sure it would rain the next day . 10 . They said that they would go to the river the next day if it was hot . 11 . He said that he was sure she would come on time . 12 . She said that she would be able to read English newspapers without a dictionary the following year . Упражнение 339 1 . The teacher told us that we should have to work hard the next day . 2 . My girlfriend told me that she would not be able to go for a walk with me that day because she was very busy . 3 . She asked me how long I was going to stay in the country . 4 . He told me that he liked to go to the canteen during the break . 5 . He wanted to know when I should go to the canteen . 6 . John said that he had met them at the airport the day before . 7 . He said that he would come to the party if he was free the next day . 8 . She said that she would go to the cinema in the evening if she was not very tired . 9 . My mother told me that it would be difficult for me to get up the next day if I did not go to bed at once . 10 . Nina said that she liked music and added that she listened to it every evening before going to bed . 11 . My aunt said that she would not be thirsty if she ate some grapes . 12 . Mother told us not to go out before she returned . 13 . My sister said that she would be neither hungry nor thirsty if she had a cup of tea with a sandwich . 14 . Mary told Fred not to switch on TV and explained that she was working . Упражнение 340 1 . My aunt said that she would gladly go to the cinema with us because she had not seen that film and she wanted to see it very much . 2 . The teacher asked the pupils which of them could answer his question . 3 . She asked the doctor if he thought that simple food was better for children than rich food . 4 . Vera wondered why their team had lost the game and added that it had always been very strong . 5 . Tom wanted to know where Mary had put his book and added that he could not find it . 6 . Fred said that he was very happy and explained that he had bought a very good bicycle . 7 . The man asked the boys whom they were waiting for . 8 . Mary said that she would not go to the party the next day because she did not feel well . 9 . Walter said that they had seen a lot of places of interest when they were travelling around Europe the summer before . 10 . Jane said that she supposed they would go to the theatre the next day . 11 . Lena asked me not to take the books from her table and explained that she had specially prepared them for working at her report . 12 . Nick 's grandfather told him not to be afraid and explained that that dog was very clever and ( it ) would not do him any harm . Упражнение 341 1 . He told me to come at nine o ' clock and added that he would be free at that time and we should have a nice cuр of coffee . 2 . Nina asked her friend what the professor had spoken about in his lecture . 3 . He said that the man was one of the best speakers he had ever heard . 4 . He said that he had not yet seen the film I was talking about . 5 . He said that he had seldom gone to see his friend in May as he had been very busy . 6 . She asked her brother whether he would manage to get tickets to the Philharmonic on Sunday . 7 . My friend said that they had arrived in Kiev on Saturday and the next day they had gone to have a look around the city . 8 . She asked if I had lived in St . Petersburg ten years before . 9 . She asked me if I was going to leave St . Petersburg for the summer . 10 . My friend told me that the discussion would still be going on when I returned . 11 . He said that he was proud of his brother who had taken the first prize at the competition . 12 . She wanted to know how long I had been living in St . Petersburg . 13 . She said that he had just left . 14 . He was interested to know when my parents would arrive in St . Petersburg . 15 . She wanted to know if I had been present at the meeting the day before . Упражнение 342 1 . Will you be busy tomorrow ? 2 . Are you afraid of thunderstorm ? 3 . Have you ever walked in rainy weather ? 4 . I prefer sunny days . 5 . Are you in a hurry ? 6 . Will you go to the country tomorrow ? 7 . What do you like to do on your days off ? 8 . May I speak to the headmistress ? 9 . Will you give me your book ? 10 . Will you come to the Philharmonic with me ? - At what time are you planning to go ? - It will take us long to get there . - Where shall we meet ? Упражнение 343 1 . A friend of yours called on you half an hour ago . 2 . I study at Moscow University . 3 . My brother is playing chess with my grandfather . 4 . It is very difficult to play this role . 5 . Why are there so few people in the street ? 6 . Do you know where you live ? 7 . Don 't worry and go home quietly . 8 . I sУпражнение 344 1 . I saw the film several months ago . 2 . I haven 't seen it yet . 3 . I want to make a radio set . 4 . I have made a radio set . 5 . I often go to see Bob . 6 . I have seen Mary today . 7 . I like Dickens ' novels very much . 8 . I read " Dombey and Son " last year . 9 . The pupils ( You ) will read the text tomorrow . 10 . Buy some bread on your way home , please . 11 . Don 't be late for dinner . 12 . Have you " Gulliver 's Travels " ? 13 . Have you read " Robinson Crusoe " by Daniel Defoe ? 14 . Will you be at home at three o ' clock ? 15 . What did you see at the museum ? 16 . Who is absent ? 17 . Who is ill ? Упражнение 346 1 . Have your passports ready . 2 . Pass up the gangway . 3 . You will find your luggage on deck . 4 . Will you go down to your cabin or stay up on deck ? 5 . I am a bad sailor and cannot stay on deck . 6 . Take our luggage to cabin number eight . 7 . Do you often go to England ? 8 . I don 't cross the English Channel very often for it is rough as a rule . 9 . Do you know when the boat is due at Southampton ? 10 . Do you think it will take us long to get through the customs ? Упражнение 345 1 . Are you going to your hometown for the holidays ? 2 . I couldn 't ring you up in time . 3 . Wait for me , please . 4 . Does anyone else know about my arrival ? 5 . When will you take your last examination ? 6 . Did you take part in the football match ? 7 . Where do you live ? 8 . I have joined a sports society . 9 . I saw your brother yesterday . 10 . Hurry up as there is little time left before the beginning of the meeting . 11 . Has the rain stopped ? 12 . It is still raining . 13 . I have found the book you are looking for . 14 . I don 't like the main character of the book , but I cannot explain why . 15 . What will you do if you don 't find the book you need ? 1 . Vera answered ( Nina ) that her favourite books were " Gulliver 's Travels " and " Robinson Crusoe " and added that now she was reading a novel by Walter Scott . 2 . Nina said that the year before they had learnt some poems by Byron and Shelly and added that they were very beautiful . 3 . Vera told Nina that she knew many poems by those great poets and added that she had also read some books about Byron and Shelley . 4 . Nina said that that year they would read a play by Shakespeare in English . 1 . Peter asked Ann if they had run a race the day before . Ann answered that they had and added that Tamara had been the first to come to the finish . 2 . Tom asked his mother where his bag was . His mother said that she had put it on the chair near the door and told Tom ( him ) not to forget to put his record book into it . 3 . The children asked their mother why they could not play there . Their mother said that their father was sleeping . She added that their father had worked very much that day and told the children to keep quiet . 4 . Alec asked us why we helped her and added that she was lazy and could do everything herself . 5 . Lena said that she did not want to go to the zoo and explained that she had been there the week before with her cousin and seen all the animals . 6 . Nick asked his father to look at his stamps and wondered when his father would buy some new ones for him . 7 . Tanya said that she could not do that exercise and added that it was too difficult . Her brother wanted to know why she had not asked her teacher to explain it . 8 . The lighthouse keeper asked his assistant if he could see the lights in the distance . The assistant answered that he could and added that a ship was giving signals . |
I opened the bedroom door to find that my three oldest grand children had taken the quilt and blanket off the bed and had it stretched out over the furniture . I said , " What in the WooRRRlllddd are you guys doing ? " they answered , " We are building a fort Mama , come look " . I get down on my hands and knees and peek through the small opening . They had all the pillows piled around , their army men and all of their ' weapons ' laid out neat and tidy . The oldest one , Alison , says . . . " We can 't get this side to stay closed " . . . . . . . . I smiled . " I 'll be right back , " I said . I went in the kitchen pulled out a drawer and grabbed a handful of clothes pins . . . . back to the bedroom and leaned down with a huge smile on my face and said . . . " I bet these would work " . . . . . . . . . . . " AWESOME " they said , and nostalgia hit me hard . . . . . . 1 Strong Clothes Line + 5 Quilts / Blankets ( or 50 burlap sacks ) + 100 Clothes Pins ________ = 1 Fine Tent I am guessing that we , Moody and I , were about 11 or 12 years old . It was one of the many times that I was visiting with her for a week or so when we came up with the idea of how much fun it would be to ' camp out ' in her back yard . You have to remember that this was back before the days of Walmart , Kmart , Target , TOYS R US etc . Back when life was simple , when kids made up their own games , and couldn 't just run to a store and buy whatever they wanted . . . . such as a tent . Back when parents never gave a second thought to letting their kids sleep outside on the ground in a home made tent . When kidnapping or child molestation was something you never heard of . So Moody and I set out to build us a tent . My dear Aunt Bernice supplied us with everything necessary to put it together , even instructing us on how to lap the quilts over the clothesline and pin it together with clothespins . After a few times of it falling down on top of us , we finally perfected the construction of it and we could make it so tight that an ant could not have crawled in . We loved sleeping in our tent and for the next 5 years or so we spent very few ' summePosted by I was in my own little 6 year old world , swinging , at my aunt and uncles house , when this chubby little blonde haired girl came up to me and said , " Hey ! we are cousins . " I had never seen this girl before in my life , that I could remember anyways , so I had to go ask my mom if this was true . . . . with the little blonde following behind me . Sure enough , she was right and we were definitely cousins . She said to me , " My name is Moody , what 's yours ? " I replied with " Lainie " ( my nickname as a child , hailed from my middle name ' Elaine ' . ) She grabbed my hand and said " lets go play " . . . . . . my friend for life ! ! ! ! ! ! Moody and her family lived in Michigan at the time and had came home to our uncle 's funeral , my dads ' brother , her . . mothers ' brother . I suppose that is why I didn 't remember ever seeing her before since she lived so far away . A few weeks after the funeral her family moved back to Missouri and settled in a small town just 10 miles from where I lived , so our families visited quite often and Moody and I became the very best of friends . When we discovered that we were the same age , that just made our friendship stronger . After all she was only 6 weeks older than me . We went to different schools but every time we got a chance we would spend the night with each other . In the summer months we took turns spending weeks . She would come to my house for a week and I would go home with her for a week . This went on for the next 10 to 12 years . There are several stories that involved the two of us that I plan on sharing . . . . . . she was so very much a part of my childhood . . . We shared many many laughs together . When you are a kid seems like everything you say or do is funny . We don 't get to see each other very often anymore , mostly at funerals . . . . I hope that she remembers those days together as fondly as I do . . . . for they will always be in my heart . So come ride along with us as Moody and me journey to California ! ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . CALIFORNIA HERE WE COMEMoody had moved to a small farm outside of Advance . I loved going to her house . . ThPosted by Today has been a sad day for me , as this calendar day has been for the last 36 years . Dec . 7th , not only is it Pearl Harbor Day , but it marks the day that my dad was laid to rest , in a very small cemetery , on top of a hill , in the town where I grew up in . Near the place where he was born and raised his family . Seems impossible that it has been that long ago . I was almost 21 years old . I had been married for nearly 3 years , and had a 10 month old baby girl . My life absolutely revolved around my husband and daughter . When looking back , I can 't help but think how young and naive I truly was , and so very selfish . I did not realize the finality of death . That when one takes that last breath , it is over , the end of life as we know it , gone . I have so often wished that I had been older and more mature , before he passed from us . I wished that I had talked to him . I mean really talked to him . I wish that I would have known his thoughts and wishes . Where he was ' coming from ' . I wish I had asked him more about his life as a young man . I wish that I had realized that mom needed help in caring for him . Many wishes , many thoughts , many regrets . I always said that Raymond Finney was ONE STRANGE BIRD . Don says that " ' he was what he was . " But truthfully , he had some very strange ways . For instance , he thought boys and girls lived by two totally separate set of rules . There are 5 of us kids . 3 girls and 2 boys . The boys were just expected to drink , smoke , cuss , and stay out late ( after they got older of course . ) I have heard him say more than once that , " boys will be boys . " For us girls , it was a whole different story . I have to say that I had it better than my two older sisters , even though he still had some strict rules , lucky for me , times changed and so did he . He had a dress code that the older girls lived by , and wearing shorts was NOT in it . So playing sports in school was not an option for them . Fifteen years later when I was in high school he had mellowed out some and I got to play volleyball , and I wore shorts . You could forget about being a cheerleader . His thought was " you are NOT going to get out there and turn flips for those boys and show your underwear . " Period . He did not attend any of our weddings . He said that he had only been to one wedding in his life and that is all he intended on going to . When Don and I got married , he chose to sit over on the " liars bench " in front of the cafe / pool hall until the wedding was over . He did however come in time to share the wedding cake with us , and enjoyed being with all of the people . Again , One Strange Bird ! ! I was almost like an only child . There are 8 years between me and my brother closest to me in age , so by the time I got to be 10 or 12 years old , the other 4 were married and having kids of their own . So a lot of time was spent with just dad , mom , and me in the house . The sad part of that is that I feel like I never really knew him . To me he was an authoritative figure , that simply ruled the house , and I do mean ruled . Always telling me " you are not going there " or " you are not doing that " or " you are not running around with that girl " " you are not going out with that boy " etc . We never really had any conversations at all , and I remember thinking that my life would be so much better if he wasn 't in it . Again , so young , naive , and selfish I was . I have often thought about Reba McEntyre 's song , " The Greatest Man I Never New " . Some of the song fits so perfectly with the way I felt during those young days . I always new that dad loved us kids , even though he never said the words , at least not to me . There were never any " I love you 's " , kisses , or hugs from him . He just didn 't know how to show any affection or emotion . Although as I said previously , I knew that he did . Maybe this is why I always tell my girls that I love them when I am leaving them or hanging up the phone from talking with them . . . I want them to KNOW that I love them . I never want them to doubt it or question it . I suppose work was hard to find in the days before I was born , and afterward , because sometimes during the winter months dad would go to my uncle 's houses in New York , or Florida , and work and send the money back home to mom . It was his way of keeping food on the table and trying to provide for us . . . . . After my mom passed away I was going through an old suitcase filled with some old memorabilia of their lives together and I found some old letters that dad had written to her while on these work trips . Which shocked me to the core . First of all , I really didn 't think dad could read or write much , other than to write his name . He always had mom do that kind of stuff . I was mystified to see he could actually write pretty intelligently . As I held these letters in my hand and read the words for the first time in my life , tears flowed down my cheeks . It was so sad that 30 plus years after he was dead and gone , I saw a glimpse of a man I never knew existed . He spoke of how much he missed mom and us kids . He would say things like " Now you have the boys help you get the wood in " . . . at one point I guess one of my sisters was gone with someone for a few days because one letter said something like . . . " I want Gerry home as soon as possible , I don 't like her being away from home , " With the later letters he would always end it by saying . . " Give that little ole baby girl a kiss for me " . . . Which meant me . . . . As I sat there reading these letters I literally saw a side of him that I had never seen in the 21 years that I knew him , and it tore me up inside . I will cherish those letters until the day I am laid to rest . Dad found out he had lung cancer on Sept 5th , 1974 . He lived exactly 4 months to the day from when he found out . After he got sick , he became a Christian , and got baptized . He laid on his death bed with his arms straight up in the air . Praying . He told someone that he wasn 't afraid to die , he knew he was going to a better place . The only thing that bothered him was that he didn 't want to leave his kids and grand kids in this world , the way that it was . Wonder what he would think if he could see it now ! ! So , this is the story . I know that it may seem like a sad story to some , and maybe it is . I harbor no ill feelings toward him at all , for as Don said " He was what he was " . I know that he loved us , he just wasn 't good with words . Sometimes , I find myself in that same situation . I am just not good with words , but I love deeply and wholeheartedly . I look forward to someday being able to sit down with him and ' really ' talk to him . There is so much I want to say and so many questions I want to ask . . . Until then , every once in a while , I will dig out the old letters and read the scribbled words , and ponder the bitter sweetness of knowing that even I know that I have said this before , but I will tell you again that the older I get , the more nostalgic I become . I don 't know if it is the fact of knowing that I am no doubt NOT going to live as long as I have already , or just the all consuming wish that I could go back to being young again just so that I could live it one more time . Never - the - less , this morning I found myself back there again , another time , another place in my life , where everything was simple , and it didn 't take much to be entertained . I have this part time job of cleaning the offices where I work . I usually do this early on Saturday morning . So , here I was early this morning , before dawn , cleaning . There is a radio in the break room , so I thought , " what the heck " . When I first turned it on , there was this ' rap ' music on , which I don 't particularly care for . So , I just hit the scan button and then . . . . . . OH MY GOODNESS ! ! ! what came on , you will never guess ! What a Blessing this was ! It was a gospel station and evidently on Saturday mornings they play nothing but Southern Gospel ! YES ! ( You don 't hear much of that here in the city ) They were playing some very good oldie , but goodies . . . . . I was ecstatic . . . . . blaring from the box was the old quartet , The Inspirations , and they were singing " Touring that City " . . . . . . . . well , you know me . . here I went back in time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It was the year of about 1975 - ish and Don and I was going to the Assembly of God Church on a regular basis . The pastor there , Bro . Sidney Razor , always played the guitar and sang in church with his wife . Don was so fascinated by this . I don 't think he had ever seen anyone play the guitar in church before , at least not much . He announced to me one day that he had decided that he wanted to learn to play the guitar too ! He had gotten a real desire to want to play in church like Bro Razor . Knowing that he was serious about learning , I had a brilliant idea ! Since it was close to Christmas . . I would buy him a guitar for his gift . This was going to be so good ! So a few months later , here I go to the music store ! Well . . . . . . I had no idea that guitars were so expensive ! Right away I knew that my $ 50 . 00 wasn 't going to buy anything but a string or two ! I was beyond shocked . So , I went back home with a broken heart for thinking he would not be getting his guitar for Christmas that year . . . . . He did get one however , but he had to go pick it out himself and use what little money we had saved to pay for it . After a couple months of being woke up at 2 : 00 a . m . to the tunes of ' Clementine ' and ' Long , Long , Ago ' , and ' She 'll Be Comin ' Round the Mountain ' , I was wishing that I had never laid my eyes on stupid guitar . . . . SERIOUSLY ? Our good friend , Billie , was going to church with us about this same era in time that Don was learning to play his guitar . She decided that if Don could learn how to play one then so could she . I can not explain to you the hilarity of these two trying to learn to play together . Fingers so sore they would nearly bleed , aggravation would be an understatement , and a whole lot of frustration ! But however , I have to give credit where credit is due , they both persevered until they actually got to the place that they could play very well . They finally became good enough to change the chords easily enough and we all started singing to the tune . Before we knew it . . . . . . . . we were headed for the big times . ( Yeah right ) We then discovered that my sister in law , Dorothy , wasn 't a bad singer either , so . . . . . Well , we decided that we would just make us up a quartet ! We sang and sang and practiced many many hours until we got pretty good , so WE thought ! Somehow the word got out in the area that we were ' singers ' and so we were invited down to this local church to sing at one of their special services . Neither Don nor Billie were confident enough yet with their playing to bring their guitars out in front of a crowd of people , so we asked Bro Razor to help us out along with another preacher friend that we knew . . . aka . . . Jerry Coleman . . . Oh , yes , and nothing do , but we had to have dresses alike . ALL of the gospel singers in those days dressed alike or at least their clothing matched , and we HAD to look the part ! So I volunteered to take on the job of making us the dresses . Looking back , they were the most hideous looking things I have ever seen . You know how in the movie ' Gone With The Wind ' Scarlet yanks the curtains down off of the windows and makes herself a dress out of it ? ? ? ? ? Well , let me tell you , Katy Scarlett O ' Hara had nothing over on us ! Our dresses were floor length , bright yellow with BIG BLUE flowers all over and a big tie bow in the back . . . . Don in his light blue leisure suit , we girls in our big blue flower dresses , Yep , WE LOOKED GOOD ! ! ! Don 't remember the song we tried to sing , although I am sure that one of the other three could probably tell you , but needless to say . . . it was a disaster ! Bro Razor , and Bro Jerry 's guitars weren 't tuned together . I ask you , have you ever tried to sing when the music was out of tune ? IT AIN " T PRETTY ! We couldn 't even get started on our song . . Our guitar players weren 't together with each other , and neither one of them was in tune with us . . . . We finally just all gave up , the guitars stopped playing and we sang the song acappella . No telling how many shades of red our faces turned before that fiasco was over with . ( Thinking I 'm embarrassed just telling the story ! ) We swore we would never sing in public again . Looking back on it , it is one of the most memorable times in my life . Yes , we did sing again many many times after that . . . They both learned to play guitar very well and we spent many , many nights , sitting up late , singing songs that were popular at the time . We would sing songs out of the old church hymn books , we found ourselves writing a few songs and singing those too , and then songs like " Touring that City " . Yes , I miss those days , I miss the pure innocence of those days . . . I miss my kids being small and falling asleep in the floor , while we four sang our hearts out . I miss the laughter , of . . . " I can 't reach that key , " and " lets just skip that E chord " , and " Why can 't I do that ? " As I cleaned the break room and these old gospel classics were being played on the radio , I thought to myself , " How did I get here ? What happened to me ? Where did I go ? " and " Where did we go ? " " Where did time go ? " That was only yesterday . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This story was written a few years ago . Yesterday morning we received news that our dear friend , our partner , our confidant , our alto singer , closed her eyes for the last time here on this earth . She is no doubt in that place that we so often sang about , the one she wrote about , in that Land of Sweet Retreat . . . . Here is a song written sometime in the late 1970 's by none other than Billie Day Lee . . . entitled . . . " Land of Sweet Retreat " This story is one that I have pondered over in my mind for a couple of months now . I believe that it is one of those stories that possibly you would just had to have been there to get the real hilarity of it . I will try my best to do justice to the incident . As in most of my stories thus for , I have to tell a story or two in order to get down to the story that I actually want to tell , so please be patient in your reading , there is a story here . . . . Anyone near or around Bell City and knew my dad , knows that he liked his drink . Beer was his drink of choice , although he did usually keep a pint of peach brandy in his top dresser drawer ( and that will be another story some day ) . I wouldn 't go as for as to say he was an alcoholic , he was a road grader man for the township and worked every day that the weather permitted , but about every couple of weeks he would get up on Saturday morning and go get a ' hair cut ' . Which in short meant that he was going to Vanduser or Hilltop or to ' the beer joint ' as mom used to call it . He would usually stay all day and when he came home late in the evening he would be rather ' soused ' . He never was mean to us kids or mom when he drank , rather the contrary . When I was sixteen and just got my drivers licence , I would wake up on Saturday morning and pray that dad would go drinking , because when he came home he would pitch me the car keys and $ 10 . 00 or $ 20 . 00 . I have felt very guilty over the years when I remember this , not so much at taking the car as much as taking the money , I know that mom probably cringed when I would grab the money and run , because looking back , I know that it was money that they desperately needed . Now , when dad would go spend all day we all knew what was coming when he arrived home . Mom was waiting on him ! He would sit down at the kitchen table and drink his coffee , and mom would fuss , and fuss , and fuss at him . Mostly because he had spent money that we needed . He would just sit there , and listen , and not say anything at all back to her . After a while of drinking coffPosted by You know how it feels when you are so thirsty for a cold drink of water ? Nothing else but water ? No soda , no juice , just plain cold water . I found myself with this kind of thirst today at work . I don 't know what brings on a thirst like this . Dehydration ? Eating something salty ? Or just the 85 degree weather that we have had the last couple of days . Never the less , I made my thirst known to my co workers . I noticed that one of the girls , ' Lora ' left out of the room for a minute and when she came back in , she had this huge jug of ice cold water with her . She had filled it up that morning and put it in the refrigerator . She brought it in and flopped it down in front of me . AAAAHHHHH ! ! ! ! Thank you , Thank you , Thank you ! ! ! I picked the jug up and drank directly from the mouth of it . So very cold , and oh soooo good . The water trickled out of the side of my mouth and down my chin and dripped on the table . I was immediately taken back in time , to another way of life , a very young age . . . . . . . . . . My mother had several of glass gallon jugs that had these silvery looking screw on lids . I would call these jugs multi = purpose , for they were used for everything around the house . In the summer months she would make a gallon of tea every day in one of these jugs . Not this instant stir with a spoon stuff . She had this little metal tea bag that she would fill with loose tea , boil it in a pan of water on the stove top , then pour that in the gallon jug with a half a bag of sugar ( joking ) and then fill it up with water . The first thing that my dad would ask for when he got home from work on those hot sweltering summer days , was a glass of ice tea . By the time supper was over and time for bed the gallon of tea would be about gone , so the next day she would get up and make another gallon . These jugs also had domestic uses too . I remember that she had one that was filled with buttons . Every kind of button you could think of . See , back in those hard times , you didn 't throw things like buttons away . When a piece of clothing was totally outgrowPosted by Something about Spring just lifts ones spirits . When the temperature starts to rise and the sun is shining , the first thing that I want to do is clean house . Open those doors and windows and let the breeze blow away the winter smog , so to speak . Get out that old feather duster , and the pledge and start to work . That is where I found myself a few days ago . The temp was quite nice outside close to 70 degrees , and since Spring fever usually hits me pretty hard just about this same time every year , I was ready to begin my spring cleaning . One of my favorite things , when I clean house is to move furniture . So , you never know when you walk in my front door which direction you are going to be facing on that day . I rearranged the living room a couple of times until I got things just the way I wanted it . When I was finally done with the furniture , then I started on the accessories . All went well , until I got down to Sally . I could not find the right spot for her . She just didn 't look right no matter where I put her and I tried every available empty spot in my living room . I knew that she needed some sun and I knew that the most logical place was in front of the big window . Plus , a nice warm spring breeze would do wonders for her , I was sure . For you see Sally is a house plant . Some kind of Ivy vine that I am quite attached to . After much deliberation , a good drink of water , and some tweaking of brown leaves , I finally found Sally a spot in front of the sliding glass door in our living room . She looks really happy there . Why would you name a plant ? you asked ? . . . Well , you see , I have to go to another story in order to tell this one . So here we go . . . . . . . . . . My mothers name was Pauline , all of us kids and grand kids called her ' granny ' after she got up in her older years . She ended up being ' granny ' to the whole town I think . But I can remember growing up and being a kid , I thought her name was Sally . I can still here my dad yelling from the front porch " Sally would you bring me a glass of tea " . Or he would say " Sally you bettePosted by Being from the small town that I grew up in and lived for 40 plus years , I never witnessed the electricity of living in a baseball town until we moved to the St . Louis area . Oh , there were always baseball fans and every once in a while , in the cafe there would be a minor disagreement on who was the best pitcher or hitter . There was always a game board made up during the world series , where you could buy a square for a dollar or so and pick the winning numbers . I even won it one time . I just happened to pick the right numbers , and at the time thought that it was a pretty easy $ 100 . 00 . I myself , really don 't care one way or the other . I suppose of all the professional sports out there , baseball would be the one I would have to choose , so I choose the Cardinals . But actually , the Cardinals have always been a part of my life . My Cardinal baseball experiences started when I was a kid . I remember going to bed at night with the radio blaring ! ! Dad had that old box radio sitting close to his bed and turned up as loud as it would go . I would hear names like Bob Gibson , Ken Boyer . . . . . and of course Harry Karry ( sp ) ? Ever once in a while , he and mom would yell out something like " go , go , go " or may even an " ugly " word . Listening to the radio in the summer months was just life around our house . I think I was somewhere around 10 or 11 years old in 1964 when the Cardinals went to the world series . I don 't really know why I was not in school on this particular day , being that the world series always takes place in the fall of the year , but for some reason I was home with mom . During this time we were lucky enough to have an old television . Such a rare thing for us to have one , matter of fact I can remember NOT having one much more than I can remember having one . Now , being a kid at the time , I can 't remember all the details that led up to this game , but I am thinking that the Cardinals were playing the Yankees . I am not sure , so forgive me if I am wrong here . Being the absolute Cardinal fan that mom was , she insisted that we watch the last game of the series on this old half worn on t . v . Now you have to get a mental picture going . Women back in the 1960 's wore dresses all the time . You never saw a woman in jeans or long pants unless they were headed out to the barn , or to a cotton field . Along with the dress comes the underskirt that goes underneath , better know as a ' slip . ' The slip usually had ( and still does ) some kind of lace or ribbon on the bottom of it . Well , here we were , mom and me , with me laying on the couch and her pacing the floor glued to the snowy , fuzzy , gray screen of the t . v . . Things must have not been going the way she wanted it to in the game , for every once in a while she would yell out something or other . I wasn 't really paying a whole lot of attention to her until all of a sudden she let out a scream like a Banji Indian , and started jumping up and down , up and down , up and down and twirling around . Scared me to death . I finally realized that her ' team ' had just won the World Series ! Weeeelllllllll , during all of this excitement and her jumping and twirling , the heel of her shoe got caught in the lace on her slip . She ripped that baby down her legs and unto the floor . Still jumping up and down . and twirling . . her feet got tangled in the wad of underskirt now laying on the floor , torn in shreds , and the next thing I know . . . " BAM " she hits the floor . By this time , I was FALLING off the couch laughing . That had to be the funniest thing on God 's green earth that I had ever seen . By now , she , being ecstatic over the Cardinals winning the series , realized what had just happened and she just laid there rolling around on the floor laughing her . . . . . . . . . . . . . off . We both laughed until we were in tears . When she finally calmed down enough to pick that underskirt up , we started laughing all over again . As much as she always mended and patched everything we wore , there was no ' fixing ' that slip . She had done one fine number on it . She just took it and threw it in the trash . As the years went by she and I had many laughs over her tearing her slip off of herself over the Cardinal ballgame . Not realizing it at the time , it made one of the most fondest memories that I have of her . She has been gone now for over 6 years . But I can still see that laugh on her face . It is burned in my heart and will forever stay there . And I know that if she were alive today , that anytime we thought of a Cardinal baseball game we would remember the day that we both were literally ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It was a very cold , blustery December night way back in 1953 . The old house we lived in was not what one would call ' energy efficient ' by today 's standards . I have been told there were cracks in the walls and a few holes in the floor . Wood was piled high by the front door , and the old stove crackled , sparked , and was red from the heat . Dad , mom , and their four children were huddled around it trying to stay as warm as possible . As those home fires were burning high , you would know , that I would choose the coldest , nastiest day of the year to make my presence known . Nervous , anxious anticipation , and yes , even fear were just a few of the emotions that were running rapid in that little country shack as time was drawing near . Dad threw his coat on and hurried out to warm the old car , but of course this would be the day when it would not start . Christmas Eve , no less , just when I was giving my mother so much pain and agony . The time had come , I was ready to get on with life , so there was nothing else that could be done but for dad to run up the old dirt road to see if the neighbor could take mom to the clinic in Advance Missouri , or to see if he could borrow their car . Either way , he finally did get her to the clinic in time . My brother next to me , AKA ' Pete " was 8 years old when I decided to come into this world and being the baby for 8 years and then being booted , just doesn 't set to well . He was not at all pleased to have a baby in the family , especially if said baby was a girl . A few hours later when mom arrived home , and I was proudly presented to my new family , wrapped , red , and rosy cheeked , the first words out of Pete 's mouth was , and I quote " Let 's just take her to the pond and drowned her " . Needless to say , jealousy to the max had just set in . We all know that if those words were to be spoken in this day , he surely would be taken off to juvy hall or somewhere that the experts could watch him and diagnose him with anger issues . I guess looking back on the situation , I didn 't choose the most opportune time to make my arrival . It was Christmas Eve , after all , but I thought I would make a grand Christmas present ! The other kids , however , just really didn 't think so . Matter of fact , I don 't think they were too impressed with me at all . This little fat bouncing ball of joy ! I mean heck , I couldn 't ride a bike or play ball , or anything . All I could do was eat , sleep , and well you know . . . . . . . . plus the fact that I was the only present they got that year other than a couple bags of candy that was brought to them by a local church . ( Or so I have heard " stupid candy " . ) I 've been told that mom was so busy making my gowns , bibs , and booties that she didn 't have time nor money to even make the other kids any hand made items . So there is no wonder they were not happy to see me . . . . . But at least I wasn 't naked ! ! ! Now you are asking how I remember all this so vividly since I was just an infant . But the story is so real to me , for you see , every year at Christmas , when it is my birthday , my brothers especially , do not cease to remind me that I was the only thing they got for Christmas that year . Yes , I have heard this same story for 63 years , same ole same ole , so after many times of hearing it , I just know that I remember it all happening . I think over the years they have decided to accept the fact that what is done is done , and I am here to stay . But I also know that deep down in their hearts they wouldn 't have it any other way . I was truly the baby of the family and they all let me know it . If I could go back in time , I might try and choose a different day to be born , because looking through the eyes of a child , I am sure they thought they had been cheated out of a present . After all " what " are you going to do with a real live baby girl ? ? ? ( joking of course , I realize I had no control over my birth day . ) Now we are all grown with kids and grand kids of our own . I know that we all enjoy watching our families open their gifts , but every Christmas that comes is a vibrant memory of a day gone by . When times were back breakingly hard , meager , yet simple . Where the only excitement on a cold Christmas day was hearing the cries of a newborn baby . Yet in the midst of it all they survived . We survived , and it brought all of us to where we are today . I do believe as long as my brothers and sisters are living that I will always remind them of those hard times , especially at Christmas . Hopefully there is a fond memory or two mixed in somewhere . I know for certain that for years to come they will still remind me every year of the Christmas when me and a bag of candy was all they got . This I know for sure also , that if God chooses to leave me here when they are all gone I will forever and lovingly remember ' The Day I Was Born ' . This past Thanksgiving weekend , my husband and I went back to Southeast Missouri to visit family for a few days . We left on Thanksgiving afternoon , stayed for 3 days , coming back home on Sunday . Got up Friday morning and made our ' rounds ' . Went to Dexter first to take a look at our house and see what kind of shape it was in and went to the little cafe there . Saw a few good friends that I hadn 't seen in a while . Leaving Dexter , we then went to my brother 's house in Bloomfield and visited for a few hours and ended up going on to our old home town of Bell City . Very ' large ' community of about 400 people . Visited with my brother and x sister = in - law , and by the time we left it was already getting dusky dark . As we were getting ready to leave , walking out to the truck , my eye caught a glimpse of something bright and shiny up in the northern sky . It couldn 't be . . . . . . but yes , it was . There on the top of what is known as ' Tyree Brown 's Hill ' was the Christmas Star . My heart fluttered . So many memories attached to that star . I remember as a child when you saw that star shining you knew that Christmas was near . Excitement would began to fill the air in that small town . Tyree 's dad always put the star up the day after Thanksgiving . And didn 't take it down till around the middle of January . I think later in years , Tyree himself but the star up . I am supposing that now Tyree 's son or grand son puts it up . . . . . who knows . As a kid , we lived at the foot of that hill , in an old shackled brown sided house . My bedroom faced the hill with a window looking out . I would lay there in my bed with covers piled on so deep I could hardly move , and would go to sleep wishing on that star . So many things that I wished for , a real barbie doll , ( which I never got ) a shiny new bicycle ( which I never got ) lots of pretty clothes and shoes , and the list goes on and on . Christmas for our family was always very sparse . We usually got ' a ' present , but that was about it . Most of the time that would be something in the clothing line that we really neededPosted by |
Here is copy of the Christmas letter I sent out this year . It has been slightly revised for web use . I hope you all enjoy it . Saints before the alter bending , Watching long in hope and fear , Suddenly the Lord , descending , In His temple shall appear . Come and worship , come and worship , Worship Christ , the new born King . LSB Hymn367May we all find peace in the body and blood of our Lord , Jesus Christ . The Hen house was full of activity and wonder this past year . I do not know if it could be another way . This year I let each of the children write what they wanted me to tell everyone about them so here it goes . Chick # 1 turned * ten * on October 29th she also got two trophies this past year in 4 - H . One was in the speech contest and the other was for decorating and sewing a skirt . She was very proud of that . She also did softball and this time she got to pitch a few times . Chick # 2 did the goat show in the county fair this year . He is now playing basketball . It is a little harder than he thought . He had a lot fun playing baseball this summer . His home run was a hit for his family and the team . He is now a very wonderful 8 year old who loves to help out with Chick # 4 . Chick # 3 got a blue ribbon at the county fair . She got the ribbon for her pen holder that she made . She was suppose to use it for pens but now she uses it for ribbons . She is also in dance class on Saturdays and she is five years old . This past summer she went to swimming lessons and passed to level two . Chick # 4 is now two years old . This past year he learned how to use the potty chair . He also sleeps in a big bed and no longer uses his crib . He likes to try and do everything that his big brother does . His favorite thing in the world is milk . The Rooster is the ever faithful husband who is willing to support me with all my new ideas . He stood by me while I ran miles and miles to complete ahalf marathon . He is also very willing to watch the children while I sing with the choir . I am forever in love with him and support him while he puts in extra hours in at work . IPosted by Just so every one knows that little chick # 4 is completely fine I am posting this picture of him . He can not make snowballs so he grabs a stick and starts whacking . Chick # 1 was defending herself with the snow shovel . Who do you think could be doing all of this attacking ? Yep ! Chick # 2 , the oldest boy , was after just about anyone . Well actually I kind of started the whole fight when I wanted a break from shoveling . I got this boy , smack , right in the middle of his back and he loved it ! Chick # 3 just looks cold and all she wanted to do was make " butt prints " her words not mine . It seems as though Christmas is just about here . I have mailed the packages , wrapped the little chick 's gifts , wrapped the Rooster 's gift , and baked more than I care to mention . We have enjoyed time with friends and advent church services . Today we had one of our Sunday School practices for the Christmas eve service . At the first practice everyone is pulling out their hair wondering how it will ever come together . God never fails to calm our nerves the weekend before Christmas . Today the children sang well and sat still . It is always sad for me to see the bigger kids singing in their last Christmas program . Fourteen years ago I taught one little boy in the nursery class and he would hug me every Sunday after church . Now , this same boy is 14 and he towers over me . Instead of hugs he teases me but always tries hard to do as I ask . It only reminds all to well that my own little chicks are growing way to fast the oldest will only be in 4 more Christmas programs . I have taken some beautiful pictures of cookies that I have baked . So please be careful and do not drool on to your keyboards . Chocolate CrinkleCoconut MacaroonsSpritzChocolate Butterscotch the most favorite cookie of the Rooster . This was no small task . The poor little chick , he went through more today than any little two year old boy should . The removal of staples in a wound is usually a very simple procedure but not today . It seemed that the staples were not put in correctly . I thought it was strange that I could hardly see them , but I also thought it had just scabbed over them . The doctor tried to take them out but one of them was in the wound and had healed into the skin . Yes ! It was as bad as that sounded . Chick # 4 cried so hard that he broke some capillaries around his right eye . I could not hold him alone so a nurse came to help and then another came . He is a strong little guy . The doctor than tried to numb it up a little and Chick # 4 let out a wail again . He than said that they would sedate him a little and numb it so they could do surgery to get it . Now this was not full blown surgery , they just had to make a small cut to get the second staple out . ( By the way , the first needed to be taken out also . ) Then it was on to the hospital part and out of the clinic area . Little chick # 4 had to drink a little tiny cup of juice that had the sedative in it . The nurse was impatient , but with a two year old , you have to let them drink it at the own pace . I could not pour it down his throat . Then I sat in a room with him till he got a little loopy . I could tell the meds started to work because he said he could not see the TV and his speech was slurring . I then carried him to the room where they would take the staples out . The nurse wrapped him , tightly , in a blanket . He thought he was just getting all comfy cozy for a nap . Then nurse firmly held his head and I held everything else . Then the nurse told me , " Now get ready because he is going to bust loose . " WOW ! He screamed and writhed even though they had given him drugs . The doctor felt so bad that this cute little boy had to go through all of that . In the end they did get the two little staples out and it looks just as bad as it did last Saturday . I should have just kept him at home and let GPosted by There was a little happening at the The Hen House today . While I was busy getting our lunch prepared and The Rooster was helping out in the dinning room , we heard a thump followed by a loud cry . This is never a welcomed sound in a house with four children . The Rooster was the first to swoop up little Chick # 4 . He was very scared , hurt and only wanted mommy . I held him tightly in my arms and whispered words of comfort into his ear . I then tried to look him over to find out what hurt so badly . There was drips of blood on his hair , and more was falling onto my hand . I told the Rooster what I noticed and he became a little shaken . Those people out there that know me already know that cuts makes me a little squeamish . The Rooster tried to see where the cut was and soon found that it was at the back of his head . Chick # 4 calmed down very well and let us clean the cut and look at it . He had fallen out of a chair , , and hit his head on a corner on our computer desk that then caused a small puncture wound right smack in the back of his head . I called our pediatrician and asked the nurses if they thought a wound like that would need stitches . The nurse told me that it should be looked at but they could not get him in until 3 : 30 . At that time it was 12 : 30 and I did not want to wait that long to have someone look at a head wound . It would also take about 40 minutes to drive into town to this office . Did I also mention that we had had an ice storm the night before so everything was very slippery . We decided to take the little chick to a small local hospital that is only about 20 minutes away . It is not a wonderful hospital but OK for very minor things like cuts that may or may not need stitches . All six of us piled into the suburban and arrived safely at our destination . Little Chick # 4 was doing very well with the cut only slightly bleeding on the way to the hospital . After the nurse and the Doctor looked at it they thought it would be best if the cut had two staples put in it . Then it would heal much faster with out a lot ofPosted by Only in my house would this happen . This morning after breakfast I tell chick # 1 to go and take a shower so that we can do our errands . After I finished getting Chick # 4 dressed down to the shoes , I begin to look for the ever famous Chick # 3 . I have to brush out her hair and make sure that she actually has socks on her feet . Low and behold I find her in the bathroom and she holding the children 's encyclopedia for Chick # 1 so that she can learn about plants while she is in the shower . What ! Now reading books is all well and good but I must draw the line at trying to read books in the shower . Another thing I am pondering is the fact that Chick # 3 is an accomplice in this . Is she Chick # 1 's lady in waiting ? It is just so funny to witness the things that these little Chicks do . Mark , Gina and John came for a clinic appt . with John 's doctors in our area . I was more than excited to have them stay here at the Hen house for a few days . The chicks were all very excited to play with John again and visit with this kind family . They will be back in a few weeks for more appointment so we will be together once again . John kept the table entertained during breakfast by hiding under the table cloth or place mat . As soon as he got the chicks laughing he would ham it up a little more . Last night we had a little looper gathering with 8 adults and 16 children at Diane 's house , 14 of the kids were 11 or under . As you can imagine there was a lot of activity in the house . Diane took picture and I might get to post a few of them later on . My Mom and Dad came to spend the week with us over Thanksgiving . It is always so wonderful to have family staying at our house . The house just seems warmer and I love preparing food for more people . While they were here , we went to a pancake feed to help a seminary in Russia . This was an ultimate pancake feed with fruit topping and whipped cream . My father is the man with the beard in the red and my mother is sitting next to him in the blue . You may also recognize the red headed pastor from some of the Higher Things conferences . He goes over to Russia and teaches in the seminary every few years . My Dad was busy working on some questions for a lay leadership course he is taking . Little chick # 4 wanted to do work on a laptop just like his PaPa . NaNa , the Chicks and I went for a lovely walk on Monday . The weather was beautiful with a high of about 73 . It is not often that one can go for a walk in November without a coat on . We are shown here walking on our local bike trail . I simply love these trails and have seen them change all year long . Then on Thanksgiving we had a lovely dinner ! It was very wonderful to have such good company and good food again ! On Thanksgiving Eve I had to miss church because Chick # 3 was felling a bit under the weather . She felt so bad that she could not go to church with every one else , but after I explained to her that we did not want anyone at church to get sick too she seemed to understand . I held her and talked to her while we watched a movie . Then I read a few bible stories to her while she rested . Later that night we made a gingerbread house . My mom had never made one before and she and PaPa had a lot of fun decorating it with the four little chicks . During the week there was one unwelcome guest at our house . A pesky little stomach bug made the round from chick to chick . My Mother was a great help and did a lot of my laundry from the week . I washed my fair share of sheets this week too . I think that it is now gone through all of the chicks and is over . I am feeling a little under the Posted by I have found myself , this afternoon in a completely quiet house . This happens to me every now and then . If I were to put a number on it I would have to say maybe 6 or 8 times a year . The Rooster had to run and errand this afternoon and took the older three chicks with him . I am home the the littlest chick who is taken a much needed nap . At times when I am here alone ( almost ) I wonder what my life will be like when these little chicks have flown away . Will my days still be spent at home making a nice place for The Rooster and me ? Will I maybe find a job outside the home ? Will all of my little chicks stay close by and I will be baking cookies from them to munch on . Meanwhile I will enjoy my little bit of solitude and then vacuum the house . After all , my parents are coming to visit for of whole week this evening . It will be a wonderful week . Nothing can be better than an evening filled with good company and good food . A fellow MartinLooper came to my neck of the woods for some shopping with her Mother . She wanted to know if I wanted to meet her and visit for a while . I , of course , jump at the chance to get out of the house and spend some times with friends . So I sprang to action and called fellow loopers and planned an evening . Diane , a good friend came along and then we drove to pick up Gina and John . Diane and I had never been to the Cheesecake Factory . So we suggested it as a meeting place . Wow ! The restaurant was amazing ! The decor was breathtaking and food was divine . It took our group of ladies quite a while to decide what to order . We giggled and laughed while reading through the menu . Finally , the orders were placed and lively conversation ensued while we waited for the meal . John was all smiles the whole time and kept everyone entertained . When the food was brought out to our table we gasped at the enormous size of the plates and portions . I really believe that my salad could have fed a third world country . OK , I may be exaggerating but it really was a huge plate of salad . I ate about a third of it and then enjoyed the rest for lunch today . Her I am with the gigantic salad ! John is one of the most patient little three year old boys I have ever seen . He sat so well during our two hours visit . Here he is with Gina lovely plate of pasta . After a while he did want to move around a little so the little guy sat between Gina and me . I have spent a lot of time with him over the past month but usually the Chicks are playing with him while Gina and I talk . I did not get into the act of playing with him so often . Last night he really was teasing me . He wanted to sword fight with the butter knifes and I had to defend myself . Then he would giggle and carry on . He wanted me to tickle him with my long hair then he would pretend to cut it with his butter knife . Tiger , his semi famous stuffed toy , had to get in on the act too . I made a Kleenex cape for him aThe Hen ( Charity ) Just ask my husband and he will tell you that it is true . It never fails , that if one thing break in our house there will soon be another thing to follow it . Lets go back to last Saturday . My trusty kitchen aid mixer was kneading my bread dough and I walked away to check on one of the little chicks . Suddenly , The Rooster came up to me and told me that he turned off my mixer because it stopped . WHAT ? I was trying to wrap my chicken brain around what he was telling me . How does a mixer just stop ? Maybe he was trying to say that he turned it off ? I always set my timer to beep when the mixer has kneaded the dough for the right amount of time . It usually takes about 6 min . for the dough to turn out right . I asked The Rooster , " You mean that you turned it off , right ? " " No " , he said . " It shut off so I turned the switch off " . Now my mind was racing , could my mixer be broken ? Oh the horror , I use this thing all of the time . It was the The Roosters idea to buy me this heavy duty mixer after I kept burning up hand held ones . The model we bought was a reconditioned model because we could have never afforded to but a 6 quart mixer any other way . The Rooster and I established that , yes , the mix was broke . I then look at my husband with pleading eyes . " Dear " , I say , " You are able to repair presses that are as big as our house , surly you can fix this little mixer . " The Rooster then took apart my mixer , that I am secretly in love with , and figured out that the motor is going bad . Good ! We just need to get a motor . Well that statement is easier typed than done . Now the Internet is a wonderful thing and after much surfing and a phone call to acquire and differ part number , he was able to locate a company that sells the motors for these mixers . Mean while , in the hen house , that left me to do manual labor . Poor Poor mixer ! Notice the bulging muscles from kneaded dough for 6 minutes . Just joking ! Let me tell you that those women of the past must have had wrists and elbows of steel . Mine began to hurt after only a few minutes . The vacuPosted by Yesterday I had a busy day at home . In the morning while chick # 3 was at dance lessons I took the older chicks out for nice bike ride . The weather was a little cool and Chick # 2 and I really enjoyed the ride . Chick # 1 is not a girl up for challenges so she did not have as much fun as we did . But at least we made it home safe . Then I was to spend the rest of my day in the kitchen . I had to make a potato salad for our soup supper at church . Then I finished up the bread that I had soaked the day before . I made green chili for lunch and garlic chicken for supper . The green chili was an accidental dish that I was forced into making because we did not have any canned tomatoes . That is really a bummer when you have your heart set on something and then a key ingredient is missing . I recalled that I had heard you can make green chili using green tomatoes , so I gave that a try . After I perfect the recipe a little I might blog about that and then you can try it . We all agreed that it was good enough and everyone liked it . I then decided to freeze some of our many green tomatoes . If you read this blog often you remember that this is not a good year for tomatoes here . This is me whining about it . Here are some of the green tomatoes that Chick # 1 went and picked for me . I figured I should try them in something because there are just so many of them . I know that the Ugly duckling has been snacking on them because I have found them laying around in the yard . Chick # 3 helped with the washing and the taking off the tops . She talked for the tomatoes the whole time she helped me . Then I did the chopping . They look pretty don 't they . Then the little guys were stuffed in bags . Chick # 3 thought that this looked liked the best part and , of course , the best job . She had to try her hand at this too . But the tomatoes got a little to excited in the ride they had in the spoon from the bowl to the bag . Every time she would have about five pieces end up on the floor and just could not figure out why . I figure that I now have enough for three bPosted by This is a picture of chick # 1 when she was a wee little babe . Today is celebrating her 10th birthday . She is very excited to be growing up and learning more new things . We had her party on Saturday with three of her friends plus the other chicks . There was rollerskating in the morning followed by lunch and then cake and ice cream . She still has that beautiful dark hair that she was born with . I gave her a special gift since she is turning ten and is now a pre - teen . She received a girly bag this morning with the American Girl book about growing up in it . I added person care items , lip gloss , a little training bra , a cute little bag , body spray and shower gel . She is looking forward to all of the new changes that will soon be happening to her . She also received this dress from her Godparents and their daughter and son - in - law . It matched one of my skirts so well that we thought we would dress the same for Church on Sunday . Chick # 2 took the picture of us because the Rooster stayed at church for the voters meeting . I thought I would add this picture of myself because it is my birthday today also . I have been tagged with this item once before so maybe I should come up with seven new things . Oh the turmoil of trying to think of seven things that my readers do not know about me . That is a little hard because three of my most faithful readers are very close to me . My mother , sister and life long friend . Well I will discount them because that would just be to hard . If you want to see my answers from last time click hereSo now , thank you Laura for tagging me . Here are the rules . 1 . Link the person who has tagged you . 2 . Tell seven true things about yourself . 3 . Tag seven new people . 4 . Leave a message with the person you have tagged so they know about it . Seven truths1 . I am short only 5 ' 2 " . I maybe little but I am feisty , not really ; ) 2 . I sing soprano and I am a diva ! 3 . I like to wear a single silver toe ring in the summer . 4 . I have taken oven 700 pictures since January ! Holy Moly5 . Holy Moly is my new favorite saying ! I say it really loud and stretch out . The chicks think that it is a hoot . 6 . Evey time I try to scrapbook I become so guilt ridden that I can not stand to do it . Chick # 1 's book is only done until she is 8 months old . She is now almost 10 years old and I will not even bring up the other chick 's books . Poor me ! Just think how far behind I am with having taken 700 pictures in 10 months . Oh ! I can not even think about it . Quick I need to change the subject . 7 . Last but not least , ummm ! well ! Oh darn what should I say now . Can it be about the Rooster and I both ? Well , here it is , when we go out to do anything we are both very undeceive . We can never decide what to do , where to go , and what to eat . We always want the other to have what they want so we can never decide on anything . Now who should I tag ? I think that just about everyone has done this . Well I will tag Caroline , Gina , Ree , hey , I can dream that she may someday look at my little blog can 't I . And The Funny FarmOk , I think that I have used way to many brain cells for a Friday night . I give up at four . Of course if anyone would want to tell more unPosted by Homeschooling is not always easy , actually it is really hard sometimes . You know the times , the children all gathered at your feet , coloring lovely pictures while you read great literature to them . Then something happens to this wonderful picture , it is disturbed and the focus is totally lost . The dog wants to be the center of attention and is walking around with a box on his nose . He prances , he shows off , he takes it off and then quickly put it back on his nose all for the sake of a laugh . I hope you enjoy the show . This is for NaNa and PaPa because one video just would not be enough . Chick # 1 is getting a little tuckered out by this time but I would too after an hour of dancing . Posted by Last night chick # 1 had her visitors night at the dance studio . Chick # 3 wanted to dance with her big sister so she put on her dance clothes tried to keep up the whole lesson . As you can see Chick # 1 legs are not long enough to completely reach the bar , but little chick # 3 finally got her leg up there too . The teacher was even laughing at that . Chick # 1 is the youngest in her class but this year she really seems to be paying better attention . Never once does she complain about going to lessons . On Saturday it will be chick # 3 turn for visitors day and we will get to see what she learned this year . I added this picture of dancing chicks just to be funny . I hope you enjoy the video of the girls doing ballet warm ups . Yesterday my brood and I travel to visit with John and his Mother in the hospital . I enjoy these visits just as much as they do and we seem to enjoy each others company . John took great joy in watch Chick # 2 try to juggle and then tease Chick # 3 . I think we might have wore the little guy out because he sat in his stroller for quite a while . He started to become uncomfortable so his Mother moved him back to bed . Between the stroller and all of the i . v . s and tubes he became a little tangled so I helped out . I had never held John before and his little boy 's body is so light and frail . Yet , even in this state , he can smile and bring joy to the people around him . He was showing the nurses the signs for different letters and they marveled over him . After he was settled in bed and received his meds he took a well deserved nap . His Mother is ever at his side and is strong for him . When he is in pain she coos words of comfort to him in a way only a Mother could . I watched , before me , feminism in it best term . A mother sacrificing everything for her child . God has made women for a reason , to raise children and help the man that is married to her . It is not a coincidence that we were made second after man . God did for a reason . It is his order . He has given all women a vocation as helper . John 's Mother has taken on this role in a way that none of us could ever understand . She is the ever vigilant Mother by her sons side . " You go girl ! " Now that , in all good cases is , " I am woman hear me roar ! " It seemed that the topic of apples was very well enjoyed be everyone . I was surprised over how many comments had been posted on the topic . Sorry to say , but I will not be baking with apples again any time soon . I did make some delicious pumpkin bread on this past Saturday . I guessed I should have blogged about that as well . Before next apple season I need to make a purchase . I spent way to much time standing in front of my kitchen sink peeling apples with a knife . Many interesting things happen while a mother is so occupied with fruit . Chick # 3 pick up a Bob book and started to read it by herself . My oldest daughter , Chick # 1 watch me a long time and thought that it looked to be the funnest thing in the world . She was amazed that the knife could touch my thumb with every cut and not injure me . She thought that maybe she should try but I am not ready to have my oldest daughter cutting apples with really sharp knives . I do not know what it is with mothers but we are always trying to hold that first child back . " Oh , they are not old enough yet " , we tell ourselves . Then we have a third and fourth and they show us how wrong we were and how capable and inventive they can be . My poor hand started to ache from pealing and cutting up so many apples . I made one really nice batch of applesauce and it tasted just wonderful . Never have I tasted applesauce with such flavor . Well . once when I was at my friends house , she served us some of her applesauce and it was very tasty . I figured that this year I would make it down to the apple orchard and buy a mess of apples so I could try it for myself . I kept that sauce as natural as possible by only adding a little cinnamon and brown sugar after the apples had cooked down . Then I placed the sauce in jars and gave them a nice hot water bath . Don 't the jars look so beautiful ? I do not know what it is with food in canning jars , it just make me feel all warm inside . Oh , wait I am all warm inside because I had to do all of the hard work to get the scrumptious food in those pretty jars . Of course a bunch of apples could not survive in my house with finding their way into a pie . I have a goal in my life to make a perfect looking apple pie that also tastes wonderful . I was close yet again but have not yet mastered it . I simply loved the way that my pie looked after it was done . The crust worked well for me whilPosted by On Sunday we had an extremely windy day here . It was the kind of wind that would blow you into the person you were walking next to . I know this because it literally happened to me . In the afternoon we went and participated in the local JDRF walk . If you do not know what that acronym stands for it is for Juvenal Diabetes Research Foundation . One of my husbands co - worker 's son has diabetes so we walk every year to support them . While on this walk , in 50 mile per hour winds , I bumped into my children a few times . Our stroller would have blown across the parking lot with our son in it if we would not have been holding it . Now , in our front yard we have a young tree . It is probably about 13 - 16 years old . I really do not know , but the poor thing had a crack right down the middle of the tree . It did not go all the to its base , the crack was only about a foot and a half long . The Rooster and I had been worried about the tree falling apart and we were planning to cut it down as soon as we could . The day before one of the Roosters friends had came over to help in the cutting down of the tree but it did not happen because of the wind that day . We had no way to know were it would fall and you can tell by the picture that there are many power lines close by . So we scraped the idea and watched football . After we came home from the walk on Sunday , God took care of the tree and our children . Chick # 4 had fallen asleep on the way home so I had to carry him up to his room when we arrived home . Chick # 3 had to use the bathroom so thankfully she was quickly in the house and safe . The older 2 chicks were helping get things in from the car when " Crack " , half of the tree fell . Chick # 1 was next to the vehicle which was parked up by the house . So she was safe and sound . Chick # 2 jumped onto the porch and watched the tree fall . He thought this was all very exciting and the Rooster and I were a little shaken . I told the chicks that God 's holy angle was with us and the evil foe had no power over us . So now for the time being we have a crooPosted by I have met a really wonderful new friend . I know that in the past I have spoken about Martin Loopers before and I have had the opportunity to meet yet another one of these amazing people . Her son is in a hospital close to where I live and they are living there until his body is healthy and well again . While she and her son are there they do not have any transportation . I went and pick them both up and brought them to my house for some down time and good cooking . We have had so much fun on these visits and last night we laughed to much during dinner . It is always a good thing to get the giggles . I do not think that this happens enough in our world today . If you would like to check out how my friends son is doing you can check out her blog at http : / / simuljustisetpecatur . blogspot . com / Little John is going to be having surgery on Friday so we should all remember to say a pray for him and his family . The past few weeks have been busy in our house . We are now in the full swing of homeschooling . My dear husband is teaching the older two Latin this year so it should be interesting . Our new little homeschooler ( chick # 3 ) is doing well . I am teaching her reading and handwriting . Hopefully her numbers will improve soon so that she can start doing more math . The older ones seem to be handling their studies just fine . They are studying Math - u - see Delta and Beta , Christian Liberty Press Handwriting , Spelling Power , Story of the World Three , Apologia Science Zoology 2 , English for the thoughtful child 1 and 2 , Writing Strands 3 , Prima Latin , Catechism work , Piano , plus studying musical composers . Do you now understand why I have not blogged in some time . I am also going to have the older two study some children 's Lit . using the study guilds that are put out by Veritas Press . I just want each of them to go through two this year . They will of course be reading other books beside these two . Chick # 1 is reading the Harry Potter books right now . I read them first then I give them to her to read through . The little girl has much more time to read than I do so she is now waiting for me to finish book 3 . I want to make sure that there is not anything to scary in them for her to read about . I have been keeping up with all of our laundry and I even got rid of some stuff . Chick # 3 had way to much clothes and it would not all fit into her dresser . We have solved that problem by taken a huge bad to Goodwill . The chicks and I also went through toys and got rid of things that never got played with . It was getting just awful with the amount of toys we had tin the house . There was not room for them to be put away . I seem to have to do this every fall so that there will be room for the new things that will come into the house during birthdays and Christmas . I still need to read science to the little chicks so I should get going and do my duties . Hopefully it will not be so long between my posts again . We had the pleasure of being invited to a crawdad feed this weekend . These little guys were wiggling around trying to pinch the kids that were wanting to play with them . Until , they were tossed into a pot with boiling water . These little guys were cooked up Cajun style and they were spicy ! " Poor me ! My tail and claws have been eaten by The Rooster . " The Rooster seems to have a unique style in his crayfish eating . Hummm . It looks like Chick # 2 has the same type of style . I wonder where he learned that ? Here are chick # 2 and # 3 looking at the fest . They did not partake of the sucking of crayfish but they would gladly break the tail off for the hungry guests . Chick # 4 could make a sailor blush . He could cause a Grandmother to faint and a Pastor to be taken back . This seems to happen when the little guy it playing with his trucks . Have guessed ? He can not say a " tr " sound yet and it comes out as a " f " . Opps ! I was trying to work on him saying truck today but he just got louder and louder and never really got the correct sound out . Hopefully he will grow and find the " tr " sound soon . For the moment maybe I should hide the trucks . : o ) I have been looking for a good way to get my workouts in while The Rooster is not at home . Many times he will have meetings or other things going on . I also wanted to find a way to workout in the mornings . This means that I need to stay close to the little chicks , I can be interrupted , and it is fairly easy . We are now in the hot days of summer and running is not easily done . I love to run in cooler weather but once it is above 85 degrees I really lose the drive to keep going . We have a near by park and I thought that I could run up through the hill in the park while the kids play . But I did not like making one of the older have to stay right by chick # 4 the whole time . Then the idea of jumping rope came to me . I can even do it the morning when it is still cool out and the kids can roam and play in our back yard . I have two weeks of jumping under my belt now and I can jump for about 35 min . The first day it took all of the strength in my legs to jump for 20 minutes . It was so hard to even do 20 jumps in row without messing up . Now I am a much better rope jumper . Chick # 1 is even starting to work on her jumping skills a little more . She can jump through her crossed arms ! I claim that my arms are to short for that trick . I can alternate feet and do single foot jumps plus a double jump where I swing the rope around twice . Exercising is really important to me because it helps me sleep so much better . If I do not get a workout in I can be certain that I will be up at 2 in the morning and not able to fall back to sleep until about 5 AM . For the last two weeks I have been sleeping through the whole night again . It just amazes me how exercise can affect your whole body . I thought that it would be a lot of fun to take neat pictures of different kinds of animals at our fair . My whole goal was to get a really close up picture of a pigs snout . I just think they are funny and I just laugh looking at their funny noses . The pigs did not want to work with me . As you can see , this guy thought he had a good side that needed to be photographed . He sure would pose this way but would not give me a good snout shot . The sheep also thought he had a good side . Maybe he is a girl but she sure did not get her ear rings matching . I tried to take a close up picture of a goat but the little guys just wanted to eat my camera . I guess they do not like the close up shots . Here are cow eye lashes . She would not turn her head and was a little scared of my camera being so close to her face . I really wanted to get a close up picture of the gal next to her but she was shy and kept putting her face down . People started to look at me a little strange because I was holding my camera so close to these animals . It is so fun to try to get really good shots of the animals God created for us . That cute little frog picture that I put up yesterday won Best In Class . You know what the funny thing is about it ? I did not even know that it had won during the fair . Every time that I had look at the photos at the fair I had only noticed the blue ribbon . I never really gave it my full attention because I was always busy keeping track of the little chicks . Someone came up and congratulated me on winning such a good award in the photo division and I had brushed it off . " Oh " , I said , " I only got a blue , I did not win any purples . " It turned out that the purple ribbon was hanging so low I probably thought it was for the picture under it . When I brought all of our stuff home I finally saw the ribbon and was a little excited . I thought that the picture was really good and I guess a few other people thought so too . Who wants to guess what this picture won at the county fair ? I will post the answer tomorrow . To those that may know the answer please do not say anything . My third child is really something else . You never know what she is going to do , where she is going to be , or what she is going to say . She disappears often and I am always checking up on her and looking out for this little girl . She is independent and can do many things with out any help . These gifts often get her in trouble too . While we were at the fair this past week I had noticed that she had gone missing . We were in the open class building where the air conditioning was so we were in no hurry to leave . The whole family was walking through , munching on candy and stopping to visit with friends we know . I was doing a head count of the little chicks and sure enough Chick # 3 was AWOL . I quickly found her and she had acquired a balloon and had some teenage boys smiling at her . Chick # 3 always needs to stay close under my wing . After the fair , I had the kids help with the fair grounds clean up . It was a hot day and they whined but it is good for them to learn about helping out in their community . Plus after you collect a bag of trash you can put your name in a box for a bike drawing . Chick # 3 did not understand what we were talking about and she was worried that she would have to draw a picture of a bike . I explained to her what would be happening and she was a little relived . The little chicks did their part and put their names in for the bikes . The kids and I were a very hot and we did not want to stick around until the drew the names for the bikes . We headed home and all of the chicks had high hopes of winning a bike . After we were home I started do things in the kitchen and the phone rang . The Rooster answered the phone and the person asked for Chick # 3 . He handed her the phone and she got a huge smile on her face . Yep ! She had won a bike . And not only that but the bike is green and purple , her absolute most favorite colors . Also there is a butterfly on it , her favorite insect . Now she just has to learn to ride a two wheeler so she can go out crusin ' to the end of the block . You may ask why I call myself the hen ? Because 8 years ago my mother gave me a picture of a mother hen keeping all of her chick close by plus , I have always wanted to keep chickens but I have never be able to . The town people would not look to kindly upon a rooster crowing at 5 AM . |
Who ever was on bell ringing duty was slow to get to the bell as they were just starting to ring the alarm when they rolled in . They were driving two 4 wheel drive trucks that had been modified for back country use . Both had winches up front , were set up higher , and they each had an extra tire on top of the cab in a rack that had to have been made locally as ugly as it was . They had the Brethren symbol painted on the doors of each truck . Well at least I didn 't have to wonder who they were anymore . There was two in the front and two in the back . The back of each truck had sections of steel bolted to the same iron work that held the spare tire . The one in the lead had " War Wagon for God " painted on the steel . The other one had " Jesus Rulez ! " At some point the paint job on each had been altered using spray and brown exterior paint to give them a camo exterior . Each one had collected a few bullet holes in the body somewhere . Probably from accidental firearm discharges . They pulled in facing us . I could see the driver of the lead vehicle grinning at me through the cracked windshield . They dismounted leaving one guy in the back of each vehicle . They looked like I expected . They looked competent at small town bullying and civilian raping . I knew what they were here for . Trouble . Plus I liked the trucks . The old man had gotten up out of his chair and I joined him while I edged off from him by about four paces . People like to bunch up for this kind of thing . They did it instinctively . If we ended up having to fight with shields it would come in handy . Until then it was stupid . The dogs had woken up and were starting to sit or stand up to see what the excitement was . I told the old man " Go open the door so the dog can get out but keep the kid inside . I 'll talk to them until you get back . " Instead he yelled " Open the door Iris and let the dog out but keep the boy in ! " I looked over at him , he grinned and told me " Fuck that . I 'm not going anywhere . " I was still laughing as they formed up in front of the trucks . Four of them in front , each one standing about a half of a pace apart . Two more hung back by the cab . They had left the doors open . The other two up in the bed had scoped rifles they were using to look towards the houses on the hill . I revised my opinion of them a notch upwards . The leader said " Hey Captain . You know . . . " He didn 't get to finish his sentence because I was walking towards them grinning and yelling back " Praise the Lord ! Did you get the message . . " By then I was within three feet of them . I drew both guns and shot the two on the ends in the face . I stepped forward . As I did I whipped both guns in , crossing my arms as I did , then I turned my wrists so they were sideways and snapped my arms out in a sweeping arc . The arc was interrupted by the side of their heads . As I did that I cocked them again . Simultaneously out of the corner of my eye I saw a blur leap past me on to the hood of the truck to my left . I heard nails scratching camo paint and then Woof was over the cab and someone was screaming . I shot at the other backup in the bed of the other truck as I shot at the one who was hanging by the open door on my side . Both shots missed with the Colt ball ricocheting off the window of the truck . The old man had cut loose with his shotgun and had blown away the guy on the other door . Then he was down , in the background the sound of the dogs was insane as they roared their desire to get a piece of what was happening . Someone was firing single aimed shots from the hillside , at least I hoped they were aimed , and two more people were running down the hill towards us . Someone else was firing from the woods to my right . Then it was over . It wasn 't silent . Woof was growling and it sounded like he was ripping his kills arms off inside the bed . Hopefully the guy was dead by now . The two I had face smashed were moaning . One went for his weapon . That ended any pain he was feeling . The other one was mumbling something that sounded like " I surrender . " I shot him too . The young man , Cameron I think his name was and the old lady were kneeling by the old man . Both of them were crying . I looked back . Zane was standing in the doorway with his rifle on his shoulder . I noticed a couple cartridges on the ground by him . He looked at me , and I said " Clear . " He dropped the rifle from his shoulder a little bit . Not much . " Clear " wasn 't the same as " Over . " The dogs were all over the downers except for the Captain . The people from the hill had made it to us and were looking at the wreckage , the dogs , and me with horrified looks on their faces . I was looking at the trucks . With a little luck one of them still ran and that was all I needed . More people were coming out of the woods around us . I looked at them , back at the trucks , and realized I had the makings for my very own mini - Horde . I settled into one of the well worn chairs they had in front of the store underneath the overhang . He looked at Zane who was standing there unsure if he was supposed to sit down or not . The door leading inside opened , a young guy , white , in his twenties , and carrying a sawed off pump shotgun stepped out . He looked at me , the kid , then the dogs , who with the exception of Woof had laid down and were watching us with their tongues hanging out . He shook his head , and said " You okay Grandpa ? " " I 'm fine Cameron . Take the boy inside and give him something to eat . See if we got a bowl we can put some water in to give these dogs a drink . " Sure Grandpa . " Zane looked at me and I nodded that it was okay . Cameron stepped back to let Zane though and Woof was right behind him . " Whoa dog . Not you . " He started to step in between Zane and Woof . Woof didn 't like that . I heard him growl and watched as his lips curled back . Everybody froze for a second until the old man waved his hand and said " Fine . Let the boy bring his dog with him . " Cameron looked a little dubious but he gave Woof as much room as he could so he could through after Zane . We watched the door shut behind them . The old man kind of smiled , then said " That may be the biggest German Shepherd I have ever seen . He got some wolf in him ? " I laughed , I had gotten a flash mental picture of all the people Woof had probably eaten and answered " He 's got a lot of bloodlines in him . " The old man considered that for a minute and decided to let it go . He reached out and we shook hands . That felt very strange . He told me " They call me the Captain because I was a Navy Captain once upon a time . " He pointed at his ball cap . The faded yellow said " ONI " and had a government seal . My specialty was the USSR . Like I said . I 've been out for awhile . " Then he stared at me . It took me a couple beats to realize what he wanted . I told him " My names Gardener . " If I remembered right I was supposed to tell him my occupation . " I 'm a Major in the Freya Brigade . " I thought it sounded good . You know , it was military sounding an everything . He didn 't looked impressed . Instead he replied " You don 't say . " I shrugged . " So tell me what you 've seen . " He yelled out " Can we get some ice tea out here ! Sorry , I am forgetting my manners . " So I told him a version of what we had seen and where we had been . He knew about the Brethren and he made it clear he didn 't like them . He wasn 't a big fan of the Colonel either . " Traitors . That 's all they are . Traitors . " He made it sound uglier and more obscene then all the curse words I could think of . An old lady , about his age , came out and handed us each a glass of mint tea . It was unsweetened but a welcome change from what I usually drank . There was also a piece of bread to go with it . I couldn 't help but make a face when I bit into it . The old man laughed , then said " Yeah , I know . Mostly acorns and what not . Takes some getting used to . " I agreed with him but I ate it anyway . He listened to my story , nodded most of the time , asked a couple of questions , and generally was a very good listener . The lady came out near the end to refill our glasses and told me " The boy is asleep inside on the floor . I wanted to wake him and move him somewhere more comfortable but his dog wasn 't having any of it . " I told her " That 's fine . Thank you . " She didn 't say anything . I think she expected me to go inside and move the kid . He was fine where he was . I was interested in what the old man had to say . Mostly how they managed to survive . I told him " Okay . Your turn . " He laughed . Then he told me " I would like to hear the version you just told me with all the stuff I know you left out . " He held up his hand and said " I know . Not a problem . What interests me more is the Balkanization and the politics going on here . You didn 't see much of the government did you ? " I had already told him that I hadn 't but I told him again . The part about the police battalion had interested him . It interested him a lot . " We survived because I knew something bad was coming . Look around you . Everyone here is related one way or another . We dropped trees in two different places and in between did our best to tear up the road . We did that on both sides of us . Then we hunkered down . We took some people in and we shot a few . We were lucky . Most people couldn 't or didn 't want to walk far . That 's why I was surprised to see you . Not many , even now , walk the woods . Now we got the Brethren and the Colonel sniffing around . He was getting ready to say something when I heard them . Truck engines . I held my hand up to silence him . Yep . They were coming quick too . " You got company coming " I told him . He couldn 't hear it yet . " You got two trucks coming down the road from the north . Moving fast too . " He looked at me and his eyes narrowed . I knew what he was thinking so I told him " Nope . Not mine . " Then he heard them . We came out of the woods and stopped at a little village that straddled a secondary road that led in the right direction . It had a country store and gas station . A building that had once sold antiques , and a couple houses , only one of which was manufactured . I could see a few more houses on the side of the hill and another trailer hidden mostly by trees and bushes behind them . The hill itself had a large garden that was fenced in with a mix of materials . I stopped for two reasons . The store had a hand lettered sign up saying " Fresh Vegitables . " The other reason was they had the American flag flying . Not the American flag with some other flag flying with it . Nor was it a hand sewn flag invented by some Prophet as a sign to passerby 's that they had entered another world . No . It was the real deal hanging on the pole and occasionally unfurling a bit in the breeze . I was surprised by how moved I was by seeing it . Of course everyone in town could be insane goat fuckers but it was a good sign . I took the dogs with us . The kid showed promise but I would rather have Woof at my back . Especially after we were spotted and a bell started ringing . So they were organized too . That was even better . Organization was a sign of brains and people giving a damn . People like that were usually easier to talk to I had found . I mentally mapped the activity by sound and movement . Woof helped too . He was looking around and sniffing the breeze . If he stared at a point in the woods or up the hill and I hadn 't registered anything I would take another look at it . Woof was always right . I slowed down a bit to let them finish . I was pretty sure we had taken them by surprise . About the time we were about twenty paces from the gas pumps the window closer to the back of the store slid open . They let that register with me and then an old man stepped out the front door . He was clean shaven and had an old ball cap on with yellow braid and a design of a ship on the front on his head . He was wearing faded khakis and his shoes were polished . I was impressed . He may have been the best old school dressed man I had seen in months . I stopped and said " How ya doing . I 'm interested in the vegetables and whatever else you might have . " " Damn " I thought " Everyone has to do laconic . " So I replied " Yep " and waited for the next two word sentence . I was wrong . Maybe he had some coffee earlier . I got four words " Where you coming from ? " " The woods " was my reply . He looked at me like I was being a smart ass . " I knew that look . I used to get it all the time a few years back . I waited . If it was going to go down hill it would start in the minute . Instead I got " C ' mon and sit down and talk a bit first . I always like hearing news from travelers . We moved fast and I pushed the kid to his limit and maybe a bit beyond . We didn 't talk much . I didn 't want to . My thinking was " Why get attached ? " He was going to be history within days of us getting back . Banished into the wilderness . We did some scavenging in houses as we came across them . Only the ones I felt okay about . I didn 't want to deal with people even though I knew we were going to have too eventually . If for no other reason than we needed food and news . I skipped one house that looked good and was empty . No real reason other than I didn 't like it . Zane didn 't have a problem with it either . I think he felt it too . Some ugly shit had happened in the world and some places still held the echoes of what had happened . We stumbled across corpses or groups of live people in the strangest of places . We would walk fire roads or whatever roads at times . I called them " Whatever " roads because I had no clue why they were there . They just were . Ruts most of the time was all they were . Maybe made by hunters , maybe by locals . They were just there . The corpses would show up off to the side of one of these roads . Never more than four or five except for the usual exception . Most of them were just robbed and killed . A few we found stacked in piles around fire pits . The exception was over twenty men , women , and children we found in a pit . They had been executed . I was positive they were Hispanic . The hair was the tipoff . They might have been Asian but I doubted it . A few of the females still had rosaries clutched in their hands . The live people we went around . Usually as widely as I could . I really doubted that they would welcome strangers with anything other than a bullet . If they didn 't , it would because they needed time for the water to boil . Twice they tried to track us . They were good but not good enough . Woof and his friends probably considered them their version of pizza delivery . Hot , fresh , and they didn 't have to do anything other than wait for it to come to them . I heard a gunshot one night when I knew we were being followed . The next day we were short one of the dogs . It was the mutt . No big deal as far as I or as best as I could tell to the others . Hell , the dogs probably ate him too . Woof hung around the boy a lot . They got along pretty good . By the second night Woof was sleeping , when he wasn 't out hunting , next to the kid . I was sort of jealous but I knew Woof was doing what he thought he was supposed to do . The kid would sit with him in the evening and go through his fur looking for ticks and whatever else he could find matted in his hair . Sometimes he would have what he thought were barely audible conversations with Woof . Mostly they were stories of what he had seen or about his family . I learned a lot , and sometimes I tried real hard not to listen . We had made the turn back towards the way the Horde had gone on the forth day . I was ready to start looking for a place to stop . I was also looking for a vehicle or a couple bicycles . I was wishing we had Thursday 's truck , maybe minus him . I regretted never getting to try the hammer . It was somewhat lame of him to blow us off like that . If I ever did run across him he was going to pay for that . Then I would give his hammer a new home . Then again , if he was who I thought he was , I might wait until I talked to Freya first . I had read a few Thor comic books as a kid so I knew he might be a challenge . The sword , and the arc light on contact with the truck told me that . Zane asked me on our third day why Thursday had left us . I was surprised he waited that long . Then again he was like me that way . People came and went . Nobody ever explained it to you . It was just the way it was . We sitting near a small spring I had found when he said " Why did that man leave us ? " He made a kid scrunchy face and said " Huh ? " Sometimes it was like I was with a midget adult . Other times he was just a kid . Those times were rare . So I told him " Well , as best as I can figure he doesn 't like the side I 'm on . I think he is some kind of . . . god . " I held up my hand to cut the kid off . I had a feeling if I didn 't I would spend hours answering questions and I wanted to be moving soon . " It 's like this . The Colonel has his followers right ? " He nodded his head . " Well this guy , the old man , he is trying to find his own followers . I already have a couple leaders I 'm following . So I was useless to him . " " Yeah kid . He is one . Then we got Night . She is my wife sort of . We also got this girl named Freya . She is from the same group that Thursday came from . They all have special powers . " The kid woke up a lot calmer than I did but then he wasn 't sleeping on watch or breathing in fresh Woof breath . He was a little bit wide - eyed . Woof 's friends who were sitting , laying , and in one case , licking himself , would do that to most people . Especially to a kid that weighed , maybe , as much as the scrawniest dog there . I looked over at Zane and said " Don 't worry . They 're on our side for now . " I pushed Woof aside , got up , stretched , and checked where the sun was . We had a couple of hours to go before sunset . Woof was sniffing the kid who much to my surprise reached up and scratched Woof behind the ear . I heard him whisper " Hey doggie . " Woof liked that . I knew that because his tail wagged . We moved fast without stopping . I ran us back the way we had come but I planned on looping down towards Kentucky and then back up . Too many people had been stirred up to go back the same way . We were going to have to find us some more water soon too . Fortunately it wasn 't that scarce . Filtering it was going to take some time . It must have been nice to be able to drink from a stream without having to worry about spending the rest of your life sitting in the woods shitting your insides out . I wanted to find a spring . I also wanted a lot of things but I would take what I could get and like it . Supposedly once upon a time that had been a joke . I never got what was funny about it . It seemed to sum up life for most everyone I knew . We made camp on the opposite side of a hill with the road about a mile or more on the other side of that . I decided to go light on dinner . We had eaten pretty good that day . Better than I know I was used too . We settled in . I didn 't know what to do about watches since their was only me . I was glad no one else had witnessed my falling asleep on the job . We had the dogs so I was going to use them as watch standers . I knew they would run off to hunt though . I just hoped they stayed close . Regardless , I was going to be up before dawn . I split my plastic tarp that I slept on with the kid and unzipped my sleeping for us both to lie down on . It was still warm enough that we should be okay . I made a mental note about looking for midget clothes for him . We might find some in an abandoned house . Kid clothes were usually left behind when people ransacked houses . They weren 't in a lot of demand during peak looting . " I should have expected this " I thought . He had been through some strange shit today . Of course he would have questions . " So I told him " What 's on your mind ? " He waited instead of answering right away . I knew he was framing what he wanted to ask in his head the right way . After a couple of minutes he said " I knew someone would come . " He paused , the said slowly , " I thought Max would come too . " I listened to that and thought " Damn kid . Couldn 't you have asked about Hammerhead or that weird lightning ? Hell , we could talked about you racking Lowell 's nuts but no . . . " So I told him " He wanted to come but he is busy being a leader and what not . So I got the job . " " I don 't know kid . Hopefully we can catch up with them soon . " I didn 't bother to tell him about the clock ticking in the background . He didn 't need to know . There was silence for a bit . I was just starting to drift off when he said " My Mom told me about you and Max . " Yeah . That brought me back to the land of the listening . I waited . He didn 't follow up , so I asked " What did she say ? " I thought I sounded casual . She said " Max was like a blade . By the time you knew he was there it was too late . She said you were a bomb . You went around perfectly fine until you went off , then there was nobody left alive around you . Is that true ? " We had to fade and freeze a few times . The kid , for being so young , moved well . He also didn 't try talking to me which was good . Even more surprising he understood basic hand signs . Maybe two hours later we were back to where we had dropped the dogs . We could of been there quicker but I took a roundabout path to get there and approached from the other side . Instead of going to the exact spot I stopped about 500 yards from it and settled down behind a downed tree . I told the kid I would watch for a bit . Of course he told me he wasn 't tired and then went to sleep about three minutes later . I looked at him as he slept and saw the parts of Carol in him . His skin was her color , ivory pale , but it tanned easy instead of burned . The hair was brown with streaks of gold like hers . He had Max 's face . The eyes were all Max too . Not a bad combination if he hadn 't been too damaged along the way . Then I fell asleep . It was one of those dreams that were totally life like , in color , and I could feel every emotion at twice the power of what I would feel awake . I was back in time , another world ago , high school . I was looking for Carol . It was the day of graduation practice and I knew I had to find her and talk to her or I would never see her again . The thought of that almost made me sick . I kept running into people who wanted to talk but I either brushed them off or asked them if they had seen her . A couple of girls laughed and told me where they had seen her last but she wasn 't there . I would run up to groups of people , search each ones face for her , but she was nowhere to be found . Even her the group she should have been in - - she wasn 't . She was gone . Gone for ever . I wandered away , found a private place , and I sat there and cried and cried . In the dream it seemed like I cried for ever but at some point a hot wind began to blow into my face . My tears stopped , then dried up . In my dream I realized the breeze had changed . It stunk now of rotten meat and drops of rain were falling on my face . . I woke up with a start , my brain shrieking " Oh my god ! I fell a sleep on watch ! " Jeebus , the adrenaline kicked in then . It didn 't help that I bolted straight up and bumped noses with Woof who standing over me . He had a wet nose too . I told him " Jeebus Woof . . . get off me . " and wiped the drool he had dropped on my face off with my hand . I was going need to wash my face . Woof 's saliva smelt like his breath . Foul . I told the kid " Get in the truck . " While he did that I walked over to where Thursday was finishing up . As I watched , I told him " We need to move soonest . " He replied " Who 's we Freya Warrior ? " Then he yelled at Zane " Get out of my truck ! " With that he dropped the body , which looked more than a little shriveled , jerked open the truck door , and tossed his hammer inside . He settled himself behind the wheel , rested his elbow on the window jam , and told me " I 'll make this quick . You got your head up your ass as far as your priorities . You got the killing down but you suck at the rest . You are sworn to Freya . I could work around that but you carry the Sword . " He looked at me , sighed , I guess he saw I wasn 't getting it " Damn , if you aren 't one of the dimmer candles in the beer hall . " Then he turned the key , yelled " You got 20 seconds ! " put it in gear , and was gone . I spent two precious seconds processing his remarks and the rapidly disappearing back end of his truck . It didn 't help that his exhaust pipe was glowing a deep red , almost like an eye , which I thought was rather cool . Then it clicked . I yelled " Run ! " and took off for the end of the street . I heard the kid behind me and hoped he kept up because we were going to cut this one close . I cut around the corner , saw a house with a yard and headed for the overgrown bushes besides it . The kid turned the corner just in time . A second slower and they would have seen him . I heard vehicles stopping where the bodies lay and a truck went hauling ass down the street we just cleared in the same direction as Thursday had gone . I thought " Good luck catching that asshole . " Anyone who fueled their truck on unheaded and whose exhaust glowed like a dragons eye was not going to be caught by someone driving a Ford . The kid slid into the bushes . Thank god they weren 't holly or something equally obnoxious . " You up to doing some serious running ? " I asked him . He whispered " Yes sir . " " Good . " I told him . I unslung the 30 - 30 , asked him " Ready ? " I waited for his nod . Stuck my head up and looked around , and said " Go ! " We came to halt and stood there looking at the bodies . I looked up and down the street and saw nothing . I didn 't expect it to last long . I checked the window . No kid in sight which hopefully meant he was hauling ass towards us . I told Thursday " You got two kills . You want to strip them ? " " No . I want you cut off this ones head . " He walked about twenty paces past the truck where the first soldier he had hit landed , grabbed him by his boots , and dragged him back to the truck . While he did that I stripped the other downers and tossed their gear in the back of the truck . I noticed they were wearing crappy quality vests and their boots had seen better days . I thought " Supplies running a little thin or second rate troops ? " I filed it away . Night loved knowing this stuff . The kid had come pounding up and was grinning until he saw the bodies . I put the grin back on his face by telling him " Nice shooting Zane . " Thursday had pulled the soldiers helmet off and positioned horizontal to the truck with his head , shoulders , and arms hanging over the side and into the bed . He told me " Okay . Ready when you are . " He opened the gas tank and was standing there grinning at me . There was a bit of a challenge in that grin too . I thought " Okay . So you want to see hard core ? Fine . " I reached back over my shoulder , drew the sword , and stepped forward at an angle to the right of the body . Doing it I had to tell Thursday " Move . You 're in my way . " He was standing there staring bugeyed at my blade . I swung the blade down , yelled " Freya ! " and whipped it back up , pivoted , and brought it down hard . As I did Thursday yelled " No " and moved towards me , his hand reaching out as if to grab my arm and stop my swing . He wasn 't fast enough . The blade gleamed brightly as it went slicing through the air . I remember thinking " He 's going to be pissed when he sees the gash my beauty puts in the side of his truck . " I had put everything I had in it and it felt right and true on the down swing . It sliced cleanly , even though the angle was off and I knew I was going to cut through collarbone too . It cut like it always cut flesh , like nothing in the world would ever stop it . Then it bit into his truck and my world exploded . I came to with Zane kneeling next to me . His face floating above me , vaguely seen between the blue white after images that danced through my vision , leftovers from the arc torch brightness I had just seen . He asked me , actually sounding worried " You okay ? " I still held the sword in my left hand I could feel the grip glowing , it was a nice warm heat in my hand . I told him " Yeah . I 'm fine . " and got to my feet feeling more than a little off balance . Thursday had the neck of the soldier whose head I cut off jammed into his gas tank opening . He was muttering and seemed extremely pissed about something . I looked at the sword , it looked fine , and I sheathed it . Zane whispered to me " What is he doing ? " I was really hoping the kid wouldn 't need to shoot . He was up there for a reason . To keep him safe . Not to be a sniper . If we died they would probably find him and send him back to boarding school . It would suck to be him but he would live . I put him out of my head and focused . Just before we turned the corner I looked over at Thursday . He had picked the same time to check on me . Our eyes met and we both grinned . So far he had been a bit of an asshole at times but he loved this shit as much as I did . I whipped a little Freya talk on him for the hell of it . I growled " Doda dem alla " I had been in a growling mood today . I kind of liked it . I was going to do more of it . I thought it fit the occasion much more than soldier talk . What I didn 't expect was his reaction to it . He yelled it back at me and took off running while he yelling it over and over loudly . Very loudly . Amazingly loud . I thought " Fuck ! You idiot ! " Then I drew both guns and followed him thinking " I really hope the Colts powder stayed dry during the rain . " He was fast for an old man . I had to open it up to stay a couple steps behind him . He was still yelling as he turned the corner . Yelling always made me feel good in these kind of situations too so I joined in adding " Freya ! " at the end . I swung out a bit to his left to give me room to work and lost a couple steps on him doing it . They were still where they had been we looked at them from the window . Their positions had only changed by a couple of steps . They had frozen in place when Hammerhead rounded the corner yelling but these laddies weren 't going to run or panic like the last had . Weapons were going to their shoulders and I was still at least 75 yards away but closing fast . This was going to be tricky . Then , out of the corner of my eye , I saw Thursday throw his hammer . I remember thinking " One shot and he wasted it " and I started pulling triggers . At a full run , off the hip , all I could hope for was spoiling their aim . While I shot I watched that hammer fly . It didn 't twirl like a tomahawk . It just sailed on a laser beam straight line , head first into the chest of the soldier boy who was getting ready to shoot Thursday . He went backward like he had been hit by a bus . The guy next to the one who ate the hammer , I was closer now , it was a woman , shot a three round burst at Thursday , while the third one tried to kill me . He shot high . I had missed too but I was closing the distance . Then the hammer Thursday had thrown went sailing back to him like some kind of bizarre high speed replay . I hadn 't heard it but the kid must of cracked the window open because my guys throat exploded in a burst of red spray . The woman soldier was staying calm , she sent another burst towards Thursday and then she spun awkwardly to the side . The kid had hit her but he hadn 't put her down . The hammer that hit her did . Even that was an awkward hit because of the fact she was falling , and off balance . I heard bones crunch , saw the grimace of pain , and she was gone , tumbling gracelessly backwards . I kept running towards them holstering my weapons . I was going to switch to the 30 - 30 I had slung on my back which as usual I had forgotten about . Plus I didn 't like what the flying hammer had told me . I had an idea of who I was dealing with now . Another pain in the ass left over from another time wannabe god who spoke a language that no one else did and wanted to be treated like he was somebody still . Well , I liked the hammer . Maybe he had a spare he didn 't need . Posted by I heard Thursday clumping along behind me . That man walked heavy . Maybe it was carrying the hammer or maybe he had rocks in his boots . Whatever . I knew I would never take him on a job that required stealth . Door opening ? Yes . Sneaking up on anyone ? No . I wasn 't worried , at least at the moment , of him dropping that chunk of metal on my head . I didn 't sense any animosity towards me now . Probably because he was looking forward to hammering the soldier boys . I paused at the door and told Thursday " Okay . What I want to do is walk towards them . When they spot us I want us to smile and wave . Got it ? " I pulled the door open enough for me to squeeze out , looked around , the street was quiet , and told Thursday " Okay . " I waited until he slipped out and propped it back up . Then we started walking . We looked out and saw that someone had been smart . They had posted three guys as sentries and they looked miserable . Nothing like standing around guarding a pickup while lightening strikes struck around you and rain poured down on you . Plus they had to have heard gunfire . So yeah , they were miserable and jumpy . So I was going to have to be subtle . Maybe even think up some tactics or a plan . Thursday was growling and muttering to himself . What , I didn 't know because it was in another language . He sounded a lot like Freya . We were really going to have to talk later . I called the kid over and told him " See them people standing around that truck ? " " They 're goats ! " Thursday told him . " Yeah those . " I told him . Now was not the time to squabble about fucking hood ornaments . " That 's my truck ! " Thursday added . " Both of you shut the fuck up about the fucking truck . " I didn 't yell . I didn 't raise my voice . In fact I said it very quietly . They looked at me and shut up . " Heres the plan . Zane . I want you to stand here and watch them . If they look like they are going to shoot us then shoot them . Me and Thursday are going to go down and talk to them . " " Okay . Thats a good plan . " Thursday told me . I really wanted to reply " Thanks for your fucking approval hammerhead " but we were trying to stay focused here . Then Zane asked " How do I shoot them if the window is in the way ? " I took a deep breath , and growled at him " You shoot through the fucking window . " Then I started heading down the stairs before I lost it . Damn , I missed Ninja at times like this . Him and Max . If I had them I would have been halfway back to Night by now . " It also had been ransacked at some point . This had been a row house originally and this room had been the kitchen and dining room area . Someone had spent some money on moving walls an updating it into a nice break room . I wouldn 't be surprised to find an apartment upstairs . Someone had a dream . An upscale art and glass boutique maybe . They could live the small town dream , make some money , and never have to commute again . Or maybe they sold sex toys . I would never know and I needed to focus on today . We locked eyes . If he so much as twitched an arm I was going to drill him . Fuck the noise it would make . He broke contact first , looked away , and mumbled something . I let it go . For now . " Okay . Up the stairs . Lets see if anyone is watching your truck . " I let him go first . That didn 't go unnoticed by him . His smirk didn 't go unnoticed by me either . I was right . They had lived above the shop . We did a quick tour of the rooms . Someone had tried to set the mattress on fire in the master bedroom . The other bedroom was a kids room . Someone had painted a unicorn on one wall . They had done a good job too . The unicorn was the only thing that interested Thursday in the place so far . He stood and stared at it until I told him from the door " We can see the truck from the window at the end of the hallway . " I had us headed towards the truck . We needed it , or something like it , to get the hell out of here as fast as possible . I had a feeling that once who was ever in charge here got their act together they would be extremely interested in finding us . I hoped to be forty miles down the road by then . I figured that if I was in charge I would have staked out the truck just in case . I was hoping that if they did that it wouldn 't be local soldier boys in Humvees with machine guns . I doubt if they had anything heavier . At least I hoped so . Even worse would be air support . I mentally shrugged and thought " In that case we are fucked . " The street we were on led to the corner of the block the truck was on . If the truck was still there it would be about a half a block down on the right . I slowed the pace and started looking at what we were running past . It was a mix of storefronts , row houses , and the occasional nicer house set a bit further back from the sidewalk . I stopped in front of a two story storefront that looked empty . I waited for Thursday an asked him " Can you open that front door with that hammer of yours ? " He just grinned , walked over to it and swung . I thought he would whack it by the lock and we would have to push it in . Nope . He took the entire door down . I really liked that hammer . I motioned for him to go in and waited for the kid . He was good . When we stopped he had plastered himself against the wall about nine feet away , crouched down , and was covering us . I didn 't have to say anything to him . He saw Thursday go in , and he was up and moving towards me and the door . Lowell may have been an asshole but the school looked like it hadn 't been a complete waste for the kid . He slipped past me and I followed him in . I grabbed the door and tried to fit it back into place as best as I could . " No use attracting attention " I thought . Thursday was wandering around the room . There wasn 't much to look at . Some shelving , a counter that had once held a POS terminal , and a woman 's white shoe lying on the floor beside it . I told them " Kid , watch that door . Me and Thursday are going upstairs and see if his truck is still there . " Thursday growled " They better not have touched my truck . " I ignored him and passed through doorway in the back looking for stairs . The doorway still had curtains hanging inside the frame to block the view into the next room . Thursday should have cleared this room already . He hadn 't , and I went into it with guns drawn . It was clear . We ran until we found another street to cross over on . I stopped at a corner . I sorely missed getting Freya 's magic bird view at times like this . Thursday was almost right behind me . I was going to have to slow it down . The kid was game but his legs were too short . Lightening strikes were hitting all over town and I smelled smoke . Something was burning nearby . It was hard to tell where . From the smell it was wood . Whether it was a house or a tree I had no idea . I didn 't really care either . What was bothering me was running down the road with all this iron attached to me . I felt like a freaking lightening rod waiting to get lit up . Especially as the strikes were not all that far away . Then it began to rain . Hard . I wasn 't sure who I wanted to smack upside the head more . Instead I told the kid " Shut up . " I told Thursday " Not today " and I started running again . The rain was heavy enough that I figured as long as it kept pouring we might get out of town without anymore problems . I felt better in the woods . In town if we got cornered they would eventually wear us down or burn us out . Of course the rain and lightening stopped almost instantly once we got moving again . I just kept jogging and thought " Shit never goes right . Never . " The thought kind of made me happy . I was used to that . We were crouched there in the kitchen when someone shot a short three round burst through the door I planned on going through . I thought about sending Thursday through the door first as a bullet sponge then I laughed . Hell , that 's why I got paid the big bucks . I was getting ready to tell Thursday to lay flat on the floor with the boy when he signaled me to look at the opposite wall . I looked . I saw a wall . So ? He pointed at me and the kid to cover our eyes . I don 't know what the boy did but I peaked . Thursday reared back and tossed his hammer at the wall he had pointed at . The wall blew out like it had been hit by a cannon . I was impressed . I grabbed the kid by the collar and raced towards the hole making a mental note to myself to get a hammer like that . Maybe two . The world we found as we ran out of the diner wasn 't the same one that had been there when we had stopped by for lunch . I had never been in the eye of a tornado but this was what I would expect it to look like . The sun was gone . The wind howled somewhere not far off and the clouds were black , fat and low . I doubt if we had more than a 100 yard ceiling at this point . The temperature had dropped too . It felt good . It felt right . It felt like killing time . Nobody was outside , at least on this side . We had had come out into a parking lot . To my right was an alley that the backdoor of the kitchen opened on . I had two choices : Move away from the enemy who was around the corner or engage . I let go of Zanes collar by shoving him hard into the asphalt of the parking lot , pulled my sword , and screamed " Freya ! " without breaking stride . On my left was Thursday . I took a quick look at him just before we turned the diner corner . His face was red , veins stood out like snakes on his neck , he screamed something I lost in the wind and roar of my fury and desire to cut some fucking heads off . There were four of them . They looked at us and freaked . That was a mistake . A fatal one . We ran into them like a pair of wolves ripping into a flock of sheep . Their only advantage was distance . We were breathing in their faces before they could get their act together . I didn 't break stride . I hit the one to my right using the sword as a lance . It hit him dead center and ripped through every thing he was wearing , his guts and then punched its way out the back just below his shoulder blades . I forgot to shoot the guy on my left . Instead I slashed at his face as I went past with the barrel of the Ruger . It wasn 't a clean hit . He was wearing a helmet and he took it half on it and half in his face . I did get the pleasure of seeing his nose explode . I was past my two , trying to slow down and spin around so I could come back for more . It took me all of a second at most but I was too late . I got turned around in time to see Thursday shatter the soldier I had just run past helmet and his brains inside it . At his feet were three soldier boys who wouldn 't be getting an open coffin send off to the next world . Their heads were nothing but seedless watermelon . The kid came bolting around the corner . I noticed his knees were bleeding through his pants and one knee was torn . Asphalt is unforgiving but so was the world we were in . He didn 't pause to gawk or talk . He grabbed a rifle off the ground and pulled the watermelon heads spare magazine in about three blinks of an eye . Which was good because we were running again . Thursday raised his hammer . The officer looked at him , grinned , and said " This ain 't a body shop old man . Put it down . " I was doing my calculations on who I was going to kill first when he put it down . Hard . The next thing I knew was I laying on the diner floor trying to clear my eyes from the after flash of the lightening strike that had hit the Humvee outside the window . It was now a smoking ruin and all the diner windows had blown in . I was covered in shattered glass and my ears were ringing which was good . It meant I wasn 't deaf . My brain was screaming at me " Shit ! Get up dumbass ! " I got up , filled my hands with guns , and registered that Thursday was still standing and laughing . I saw movement on the floor where the officer escorts had been . One of the soldier boys was sitting up and shaking his head . I shook it some more for him and shot the one next to him who was screaming . The officer was down . His head was a pulp . Mentally I noted it , thought " Huh ? " and moved forward to find the remaining two . One of them was busy bleeding out from the face full of glass he taken . The other popped up from behind a table and I caught him right between the eyes . I swear he looked cross eyed at the bullet just before it impacted . " Damn ! The kid ! " I looked back and he was fine . He had gone down and stayed down on the floor . He looked a little pale but I didn 't see any bleeding . This was good . Someone outside cut loose with a short burst just barely missing me . It was time to go . I yelled " Go ! " and ran for the kitchen door . I didn 't look back . They either followed or we all died right here and I wasn 't in the mood to die . Inside the kitchen there was no sign of the cook or the waitress . Just as well . No sign of apple pie either and no time to look . Life was a real bitch sometimes . The kid was through next followed by Thursday . He had waited to make sure the kid cleared the room first . I liked that . I crouched down and gestured for them to do the same . Someone was pushing rounds through the front of the diner and I knew we were running out of time fast . I also knew going out the back door was probably going to hurt . |
Who ever was on bell ringing duty was slow to get to the bell as they were just starting to ring the alarm when they rolled in . They were driving two 4 wheel drive trucks that had been modified for back country use . Both had winches up front , were set up higher , and they each had an extra tire on top of the cab in a rack that had to have been made locally as ugly as it was . They had the Brethren symbol painted on the doors of each truck . Well at least I didn 't have to wonder who they were anymore . There was two in the front and two in the back . The back of each truck had sections of steel bolted to the same iron work that held the spare tire . The one in the lead had " War Wagon for God " painted on the steel . The other one had " Jesus Rulez ! " At some point the paint job on each had been altered using spray and brown exterior paint to give them a camo exterior . Each one had collected a few bullet holes in the body somewhere . Probably from accidental firearm discharges . They pulled in facing us . I could see the driver of the lead vehicle grinning at me through the cracked windshield . They dismounted leaving one guy in the back of each vehicle . They looked like I expected . They looked competent at small town bullying and civilian raping . I knew what they were here for . Trouble . Plus I liked the trucks . The old man had gotten up out of his chair and I joined him while I edged off from him by about four paces . People like to bunch up for this kind of thing . They did it instinctively . If we ended up having to fight with shields it would come in handy . Until then it was stupid . The dogs had woken up and were starting to sit or stand up to see what the excitement was . I told the old man " Go open the door so the dog can get out but keep the kid inside . I 'll talk to them until you get back . " Instead he yelled " Open the door Iris and let the dog out but keep the boy in ! " I looked over at him , he grinned and told me " Fuck that . I 'm not going anywhere . " I was still laughing as they formed up in front of the trucks . Four of them in front , each one standing about a half of a pace apart . Two more hung back by the cab . They had left the doors open . The other two up in the bed had scoped rifles they were using to look towards the houses on the hill . I revised my opinion of them a notch upwards . The leader said " Hey Captain . You know . . . " He didn 't get to finish his sentence because I was walking towards them grinning and yelling back " Praise the Lord ! Did you get the message . . " By then I was within three feet of them . I drew both guns and shot the two on the ends in the face . I stepped forward . As I did I whipped both guns in , crossing my arms as I did , then I turned my wrists so they were sideways and snapped my arms out in a sweeping arc . The arc was interrupted by the side of their heads . As I did that I cocked them again . Simultaneously out of the corner of my eye I saw a blur leap past me on to the hood of the truck to my left . I heard nails scratching camo paint and then Woof was over the cab and someone was screaming . I shot at the other backup in the bed of the other truck as I shot at the one who was hanging by the open door on my side . Both shots missed with the Colt ball ricocheting off the window of the truck . The old man had cut loose with his shotgun and had blown away the guy on the other door . Then he was down , in the background the sound of the dogs was insane as they roared their desire to get a piece of what was happening . Someone was firing single aimed shots from the hillside , at least I hoped they were aimed , and two more people were running down the hill towards us . Someone else was firing from the woods to my right . Then it was over . It wasn 't silent . Woof was growling and it sounded like he was ripping his kills arms off inside the bed . Hopefully the guy was dead by now . The two I had face smashed were moaning . One went for his weapon . That ended any pain he was feeling . The other one was mumbling something that sounded like " I surrender . " I shot him too . The young man , Cameron I think his name was and the old lady were kneeling by the old man . Both of them were crying . I looked back . Zane was standing in the doorway with his rifle on his shoulder . I noticed a couple cartridges on the ground by him . He looked at me , and I said " Clear . " He dropped the rifle from his shoulder a little bit . Not much . " Clear " wasn 't the same as " Over . " The dogs were all over the downers except for the Captain . The people from the hill had made it to us and were looking at the wreckage , the dogs , and me with horrified looks on their faces . I was looking at the trucks . With a little luck one of them still ran and that was all I needed . More people were coming out of the woods around us . I looked at them , back at the trucks , and realized I had the makings for my very own mini - Horde . I settled into one of the well worn chairs they had in front of the store underneath the overhang . He looked at Zane who was standing there unsure if he was supposed to sit down or not . The door leading inside opened , a young guy , white , in his twenties , and carrying a sawed off pump shotgun stepped out . He looked at me , the kid , then the dogs , who with the exception of Woof had laid down and were watching us with their tongues hanging out . He shook his head , and said " You okay Grandpa ? " " I 'm fine Cameron . Take the boy inside and give him something to eat . See if we got a bowl we can put some water in to give these dogs a drink . " Sure Grandpa . " Zane looked at me and I nodded that it was okay . Cameron stepped back to let Zane though and Woof was right behind him . " Whoa dog . Not you . " He started to step in between Zane and Woof . Woof didn 't like that . I heard him growl and watched as his lips curled back . Everybody froze for a second until the old man waved his hand and said " Fine . Let the boy bring his dog with him . " Cameron looked a little dubious but he gave Woof as much room as he could so he could through after Zane . We watched the door shut behind them . The old man kind of smiled , then said " That may be the biggest German Shepherd I have ever seen . He got some wolf in him ? " I laughed , I had gotten a flash mental picture of all the people Woof had probably eaten and answered " He 's got a lot of bloodlines in him . " The old man considered that for a minute and decided to let it go . He reached out and we shook hands . That felt very strange . He told me " They call me the Captain because I was a Navy Captain once upon a time . " He pointed at his ball cap . The faded yellow said " ONI " and had a government seal . My specialty was the USSR . Like I said . I 've been out for awhile . " Then he stared at me . It took me a couple beats to realize what he wanted . I told him " My names Gardener . " If I remembered right I was supposed to tell him my occupation . " I 'm a Major in the Freya Brigade . " I thought it sounded good . You know , it was military sounding an everything . He didn 't looked impressed . Instead he replied " You don 't say . " I shrugged . " So tell me what you 've seen . " He yelled out " Can we get some ice tea out here ! Sorry , I am forgetting my manners . " So I told him a version of what we had seen and where we had been . He knew about the Brethren and he made it clear he didn 't like them . He wasn 't a big fan of the Colonel either . " Traitors . That 's all they are . Traitors . " He made it sound uglier and more obscene then all the curse words I could think of . An old lady , about his age , came out and handed us each a glass of mint tea . It was unsweetened but a welcome change from what I usually drank . There was also a piece of bread to go with it . I couldn 't help but make a face when I bit into it . The old man laughed , then said " Yeah , I know . Mostly acorns and what not . Takes some getting used to . " I agreed with him but I ate it anyway . He listened to my story , nodded most of the time , asked a couple of questions , and generally was a very good listener . The lady came out near the end to refill our glasses and told me " The boy is asleep inside on the floor . I wanted to wake him and move him somewhere more comfortable but his dog wasn 't having any of it . " I told her " That 's fine . Thank you . " She didn 't say anything . I think she expected me to go inside and move the kid . He was fine where he was . I was interested in what the old man had to say . Mostly how they managed to survive . I told him " Okay . Your turn . " He laughed . Then he told me " I would like to hear the version you just told me with all the stuff I know you left out . " He held up his hand and said " I know . Not a problem . What interests me more is the Balkanization and the politics going on here . You didn 't see much of the government did you ? " I had already told him that I hadn 't but I told him again . The part about the police battalion had interested him . It interested him a lot . " We survived because I knew something bad was coming . Look around you . Everyone here is related one way or another . We dropped trees in two different places and in between did our best to tear up the road . We did that on both sides of us . Then we hunkered down . We took some people in and we shot a few . We were lucky . Most people couldn 't or didn 't want to walk far . That 's why I was surprised to see you . Not many , even now , walk the woods . Now we got the Brethren and the Colonel sniffing around . He was getting ready to say something when I heard them . Truck engines . I held my hand up to silence him . Yep . They were coming quick too . " You got company coming " I told him . He couldn 't hear it yet . " You got two trucks coming down the road from the north . Moving fast too . " He looked at me and his eyes narrowed . I knew what he was thinking so I told him " Nope . Not mine . " Then he heard them . We came out of the woods and stopped at a little village that straddled a secondary road that led in the right direction . It had a country store and gas station . A building that had once sold antiques , and a couple houses , only one of which was manufactured . I could see a few more houses on the side of the hill and another trailer hidden mostly by trees and bushes behind them . The hill itself had a large garden that was fenced in with a mix of materials . I stopped for two reasons . The store had a hand lettered sign up saying " Fresh Vegitables . " The other reason was they had the American flag flying . Not the American flag with some other flag flying with it . Nor was it a hand sewn flag invented by some Prophet as a sign to passerby 's that they had entered another world . No . It was the real deal hanging on the pole and occasionally unfurling a bit in the breeze . I was surprised by how moved I was by seeing it . Of course everyone in town could be insane goat fuckers but it was a good sign . I took the dogs with us . The kid showed promise but I would rather have Woof at my back . Especially after we were spotted and a bell started ringing . So they were organized too . That was even better . Organization was a sign of brains and people giving a damn . People like that were usually easier to talk to I had found . I mentally mapped the activity by sound and movement . Woof helped too . He was looking around and sniffing the breeze . If he stared at a point in the woods or up the hill and I hadn 't registered anything I would take another look at it . Woof was always right . I slowed down a bit to let them finish . I was pretty sure we had taken them by surprise . About the time we were about twenty paces from the gas pumps the window closer to the back of the store slid open . They let that register with me and then an old man stepped out the front door . He was clean shaven and had an old ball cap on with yellow braid and a design of a ship on the front on his head . He was wearing faded khakis and his shoes were polished . I was impressed . He may have been the best old school dressed man I had seen in months . I stopped and said " How ya doing . I 'm interested in the vegetables and whatever else you might have . " " Damn " I thought " Everyone has to do laconic . " So I replied " Yep " and waited for the next two word sentence . I was wrong . Maybe he had some coffee earlier . I got four words " Where you coming from ? " " The woods " was my reply . He looked at me like I was being a smart ass . " I knew that look . I used to get it all the time a few years back . I waited . If it was going to go down hill it would start in the minute . Instead I got " C ' mon and sit down and talk a bit first . I always like hearing news from travelers . We moved fast and I pushed the kid to his limit and maybe a bit beyond . We didn 't talk much . I didn 't want to . My thinking was " Why get attached ? " He was going to be history within days of us getting back . Banished into the wilderness . We did some scavenging in houses as we came across them . Only the ones I felt okay about . I didn 't want to deal with people even though I knew we were going to have too eventually . If for no other reason than we needed food and news . I skipped one house that looked good and was empty . No real reason other than I didn 't like it . Zane didn 't have a problem with it either . I think he felt it too . Some ugly shit had happened in the world and some places still held the echoes of what had happened . We stumbled across corpses or groups of live people in the strangest of places . We would walk fire roads or whatever roads at times . I called them " Whatever " roads because I had no clue why they were there . They just were . Ruts most of the time was all they were . Maybe made by hunters , maybe by locals . They were just there . The corpses would show up off to the side of one of these roads . Never more than four or five except for the usual exception . Most of them were just robbed and killed . A few we found stacked in piles around fire pits . The exception was over twenty men , women , and children we found in a pit . They had been executed . I was positive they were Hispanic . The hair was the tipoff . They might have been Asian but I doubted it . A few of the females still had rosaries clutched in their hands . The live people we went around . Usually as widely as I could . I really doubted that they would welcome strangers with anything other than a bullet . If they didn 't , it would because they needed time for the water to boil . Twice they tried to track us . They were good but not good enough . Woof and his friends probably considered them their version of pizza delivery . Hot , fresh , and they didn 't have to do anything other than wait for it to come to them . I heard a gunshot one night when I knew we were being followed . The next day we were short one of the dogs . It was the mutt . No big deal as far as I or as best as I could tell to the others . Hell , the dogs probably ate him too . Woof hung around the boy a lot . They got along pretty good . By the second night Woof was sleeping , when he wasn 't out hunting , next to the kid . I was sort of jealous but I knew Woof was doing what he thought he was supposed to do . The kid would sit with him in the evening and go through his fur looking for ticks and whatever else he could find matted in his hair . Sometimes he would have what he thought were barely audible conversations with Woof . Mostly they were stories of what he had seen or about his family . I learned a lot , and sometimes I tried real hard not to listen . We had made the turn back towards the way the Horde had gone on the forth day . I was ready to start looking for a place to stop . I was also looking for a vehicle or a couple bicycles . I was wishing we had Thursday 's truck , maybe minus him . I regretted never getting to try the hammer . It was somewhat lame of him to blow us off like that . If I ever did run across him he was going to pay for that . Then I would give his hammer a new home . Then again , if he was who I thought he was , I might wait until I talked to Freya first . I had read a few Thor comic books as a kid so I knew he might be a challenge . The sword , and the arc light on contact with the truck told me that . Zane asked me on our third day why Thursday had left us . I was surprised he waited that long . Then again he was like me that way . People came and went . Nobody ever explained it to you . It was just the way it was . We sitting near a small spring I had found when he said " Why did that man leave us ? " He made a kid scrunchy face and said " Huh ? " Sometimes it was like I was with a midget adult . Other times he was just a kid . Those times were rare . So I told him " Well , as best as I can figure he doesn 't like the side I 'm on . I think he is some kind of . . . god . " I held up my hand to cut the kid off . I had a feeling if I didn 't I would spend hours answering questions and I wanted to be moving soon . " It 's like this . The Colonel has his followers right ? " He nodded his head . " Well this guy , the old man , he is trying to find his own followers . I already have a couple leaders I 'm following . So I was useless to him . " " Yeah kid . He is one . Then we got Night . She is my wife sort of . We also got this girl named Freya . She is from the same group that Thursday came from . They all have special powers . " The kid woke up a lot calmer than I did but then he wasn 't sleeping on watch or breathing in fresh Woof breath . He was a little bit wide - eyed . Woof 's friends who were sitting , laying , and in one case , licking himself , would do that to most people . Especially to a kid that weighed , maybe , as much as the scrawniest dog there . I looked over at Zane and said " Don 't worry . They 're on our side for now . " I pushed Woof aside , got up , stretched , and checked where the sun was . We had a couple of hours to go before sunset . Woof was sniffing the kid who much to my surprise reached up and scratched Woof behind the ear . I heard him whisper " Hey doggie . " Woof liked that . I knew that because his tail wagged . We moved fast without stopping . I ran us back the way we had come but I planned on looping down towards Kentucky and then back up . Too many people had been stirred up to go back the same way . We were going to have to find us some more water soon too . Fortunately it wasn 't that scarce . Filtering it was going to take some time . It must have been nice to be able to drink from a stream without having to worry about spending the rest of your life sitting in the woods shitting your insides out . I wanted to find a spring . I also wanted a lot of things but I would take what I could get and like it . Supposedly once upon a time that had been a joke . I never got what was funny about it . It seemed to sum up life for most everyone I knew . We made camp on the opposite side of a hill with the road about a mile or more on the other side of that . I decided to go light on dinner . We had eaten pretty good that day . Better than I know I was used too . We settled in . I didn 't know what to do about watches since their was only me . I was glad no one else had witnessed my falling asleep on the job . We had the dogs so I was going to use them as watch standers . I knew they would run off to hunt though . I just hoped they stayed close . Regardless , I was going to be up before dawn . I split my plastic tarp that I slept on with the kid and unzipped my sleeping for us both to lie down on . It was still warm enough that we should be okay . I made a mental note about looking for midget clothes for him . We might find some in an abandoned house . Kid clothes were usually left behind when people ransacked houses . They weren 't in a lot of demand during peak looting . " I should have expected this " I thought . He had been through some strange shit today . Of course he would have questions . " So I told him " What 's on your mind ? " He waited instead of answering right away . I knew he was framing what he wanted to ask in his head the right way . After a couple of minutes he said " I knew someone would come . " He paused , the said slowly , " I thought Max would come too . " I listened to that and thought " Damn kid . Couldn 't you have asked about Hammerhead or that weird lightning ? Hell , we could talked about you racking Lowell 's nuts but no . . . " So I told him " He wanted to come but he is busy being a leader and what not . So I got the job . " " I don 't know kid . Hopefully we can catch up with them soon . " I didn 't bother to tell him about the clock ticking in the background . He didn 't need to know . There was silence for a bit . I was just starting to drift off when he said " My Mom told me about you and Max . " Yeah . That brought me back to the land of the listening . I waited . He didn 't follow up , so I asked " What did she say ? " I thought I sounded casual . She said " Max was like a blade . By the time you knew he was there it was too late . She said you were a bomb . You went around perfectly fine until you went off , then there was nobody left alive around you . Is that true ? " We had to fade and freeze a few times . The kid , for being so young , moved well . He also didn 't try talking to me which was good . Even more surprising he understood basic hand signs . Maybe two hours later we were back to where we had dropped the dogs . We could of been there quicker but I took a roundabout path to get there and approached from the other side . Instead of going to the exact spot I stopped about 500 yards from it and settled down behind a downed tree . I told the kid I would watch for a bit . Of course he told me he wasn 't tired and then went to sleep about three minutes later . I looked at him as he slept and saw the parts of Carol in him . His skin was her color , ivory pale , but it tanned easy instead of burned . The hair was brown with streaks of gold like hers . He had Max 's face . The eyes were all Max too . Not a bad combination if he hadn 't been too damaged along the way . Then I fell asleep . It was one of those dreams that were totally life like , in color , and I could feel every emotion at twice the power of what I would feel awake . I was back in time , another world ago , high school . I was looking for Carol . It was the day of graduation practice and I knew I had to find her and talk to her or I would never see her again . The thought of that almost made me sick . I kept running into people who wanted to talk but I either brushed them off or asked them if they had seen her . A couple of girls laughed and told me where they had seen her last but she wasn 't there . I would run up to groups of people , search each ones face for her , but she was nowhere to be found . Even her the group she should have been in - - she wasn 't . She was gone . Gone for ever . I wandered away , found a private place , and I sat there and cried and cried . In the dream it seemed like I cried for ever but at some point a hot wind began to blow into my face . My tears stopped , then dried up . In my dream I realized the breeze had changed . It stunk now of rotten meat and drops of rain were falling on my face . . I woke up with a start , my brain shrieking " Oh my god ! I fell a sleep on watch ! " Jeebus , the adrenaline kicked in then . It didn 't help that I bolted straight up and bumped noses with Woof who standing over me . He had a wet nose too . I told him " Jeebus Woof . . . get off me . " and wiped the drool he had dropped on my face off with my hand . I was going need to wash my face . Woof 's saliva smelt like his breath . Foul . I told the kid " Get in the truck . " While he did that I walked over to where Thursday was finishing up . As I watched , I told him " We need to move soonest . " He replied " Who 's we Freya Warrior ? " Then he yelled at Zane " Get out of my truck ! " With that he dropped the body , which looked more than a little shriveled , jerked open the truck door , and tossed his hammer inside . He settled himself behind the wheel , rested his elbow on the window jam , and told me " I 'll make this quick . You got your head up your ass as far as your priorities . You got the killing down but you suck at the rest . You are sworn to Freya . I could work around that but you carry the Sword . " He looked at me , sighed , I guess he saw I wasn 't getting it " Damn , if you aren 't one of the dimmer candles in the beer hall . " Then he turned the key , yelled " You got 20 seconds ! " put it in gear , and was gone . I spent two precious seconds processing his remarks and the rapidly disappearing back end of his truck . It didn 't help that his exhaust pipe was glowing a deep red , almost like an eye , which I thought was rather cool . Then it clicked . I yelled " Run ! " and took off for the end of the street . I heard the kid behind me and hoped he kept up because we were going to cut this one close . I cut around the corner , saw a house with a yard and headed for the overgrown bushes besides it . The kid turned the corner just in time . A second slower and they would have seen him . I heard vehicles stopping where the bodies lay and a truck went hauling ass down the street we just cleared in the same direction as Thursday had gone . I thought " Good luck catching that asshole . " Anyone who fueled their truck on unheaded and whose exhaust glowed like a dragons eye was not going to be caught by someone driving a Ford . The kid slid into the bushes . Thank god they weren 't holly or something equally obnoxious . " You up to doing some serious running ? " I asked him . He whispered " Yes sir . " " Good . " I told him . I unslung the 30 - 30 , asked him " Ready ? " I waited for his nod . Stuck my head up and looked around , and said " Go ! " We came to halt and stood there looking at the bodies . I looked up and down the street and saw nothing . I didn 't expect it to last long . I checked the window . No kid in sight which hopefully meant he was hauling ass towards us . I told Thursday " You got two kills . You want to strip them ? " " No . I want you cut off this ones head . " He walked about twenty paces past the truck where the first soldier he had hit landed , grabbed him by his boots , and dragged him back to the truck . While he did that I stripped the other downers and tossed their gear in the back of the truck . I noticed they were wearing crappy quality vests and their boots had seen better days . I thought " Supplies running a little thin or second rate troops ? " I filed it away . Night loved knowing this stuff . The kid had come pounding up and was grinning until he saw the bodies . I put the grin back on his face by telling him " Nice shooting Zane . " Thursday had pulled the soldiers helmet off and positioned horizontal to the truck with his head , shoulders , and arms hanging over the side and into the bed . He told me " Okay . Ready when you are . " He opened the gas tank and was standing there grinning at me . There was a bit of a challenge in that grin too . I thought " Okay . So you want to see hard core ? Fine . " I reached back over my shoulder , drew the sword , and stepped forward at an angle to the right of the body . Doing it I had to tell Thursday " Move . You 're in my way . " He was standing there staring bugeyed at my blade . I swung the blade down , yelled " Freya ! " and whipped it back up , pivoted , and brought it down hard . As I did Thursday yelled " No " and moved towards me , his hand reaching out as if to grab my arm and stop my swing . He wasn 't fast enough . The blade gleamed brightly as it went slicing through the air . I remember thinking " He 's going to be pissed when he sees the gash my beauty puts in the side of his truck . " I had put everything I had in it and it felt right and true on the down swing . It sliced cleanly , even though the angle was off and I knew I was going to cut through collarbone too . It cut like it always cut flesh , like nothing in the world would ever stop it . Then it bit into his truck and my world exploded . I came to with Zane kneeling next to me . His face floating above me , vaguely seen between the blue white after images that danced through my vision , leftovers from the arc torch brightness I had just seen . He asked me , actually sounding worried " You okay ? " I still held the sword in my left hand I could feel the grip glowing , it was a nice warm heat in my hand . I told him " Yeah . I 'm fine . " and got to my feet feeling more than a little off balance . Thursday had the neck of the soldier whose head I cut off jammed into his gas tank opening . He was muttering and seemed extremely pissed about something . I looked at the sword , it looked fine , and I sheathed it . Zane whispered to me " What is he doing ? " I was really hoping the kid wouldn 't need to shoot . He was up there for a reason . To keep him safe . Not to be a sniper . If we died they would probably find him and send him back to boarding school . It would suck to be him but he would live . I put him out of my head and focused . Just before we turned the corner I looked over at Thursday . He had picked the same time to check on me . Our eyes met and we both grinned . So far he had been a bit of an asshole at times but he loved this shit as much as I did . I whipped a little Freya talk on him for the hell of it . I growled " Doda dem alla " I had been in a growling mood today . I kind of liked it . I was going to do more of it . I thought it fit the occasion much more than soldier talk . What I didn 't expect was his reaction to it . He yelled it back at me and took off running while he yelling it over and over loudly . Very loudly . Amazingly loud . I thought " Fuck ! You idiot ! " Then I drew both guns and followed him thinking " I really hope the Colts powder stayed dry during the rain . " He was fast for an old man . I had to open it up to stay a couple steps behind him . He was still yelling as he turned the corner . Yelling always made me feel good in these kind of situations too so I joined in adding " Freya ! " at the end . I swung out a bit to his left to give me room to work and lost a couple steps on him doing it . They were still where they had been we looked at them from the window . Their positions had only changed by a couple of steps . They had frozen in place when Hammerhead rounded the corner yelling but these laddies weren 't going to run or panic like the last had . Weapons were going to their shoulders and I was still at least 75 yards away but closing fast . This was going to be tricky . Then , out of the corner of my eye , I saw Thursday throw his hammer . I remember thinking " One shot and he wasted it " and I started pulling triggers . At a full run , off the hip , all I could hope for was spoiling their aim . While I shot I watched that hammer fly . It didn 't twirl like a tomahawk . It just sailed on a laser beam straight line , head first into the chest of the soldier boy who was getting ready to shoot Thursday . He went backward like he had been hit by a bus . The guy next to the one who ate the hammer , I was closer now , it was a woman , shot a three round burst at Thursday , while the third one tried to kill me . He shot high . I had missed too but I was closing the distance . Then the hammer Thursday had thrown went sailing back to him like some kind of bizarre high speed replay . I hadn 't heard it but the kid must of cracked the window open because my guys throat exploded in a burst of red spray . The woman soldier was staying calm , she sent another burst towards Thursday and then she spun awkwardly to the side . The kid had hit her but he hadn 't put her down . The hammer that hit her did . Even that was an awkward hit because of the fact she was falling , and off balance . I heard bones crunch , saw the grimace of pain , and she was gone , tumbling gracelessly backwards . I kept running towards them holstering my weapons . I was going to switch to the 30 - 30 I had slung on my back which as usual I had forgotten about . Plus I didn 't like what the flying hammer had told me . I had an idea of who I was dealing with now . Another pain in the ass left over from another time wannabe god who spoke a language that no one else did and wanted to be treated like he was somebody still . Well , I liked the hammer . Maybe he had a spare he didn 't need . Posted by I heard Thursday clumping along behind me . That man walked heavy . Maybe it was carrying the hammer or maybe he had rocks in his boots . Whatever . I knew I would never take him on a job that required stealth . Door opening ? Yes . Sneaking up on anyone ? No . I wasn 't worried , at least at the moment , of him dropping that chunk of metal on my head . I didn 't sense any animosity towards me now . Probably because he was looking forward to hammering the soldier boys . I paused at the door and told Thursday " Okay . What I want to do is walk towards them . When they spot us I want us to smile and wave . Got it ? " I pulled the door open enough for me to squeeze out , looked around , the street was quiet , and told Thursday " Okay . " I waited until he slipped out and propped it back up . Then we started walking . We looked out and saw that someone had been smart . They had posted three guys as sentries and they looked miserable . Nothing like standing around guarding a pickup while lightening strikes struck around you and rain poured down on you . Plus they had to have heard gunfire . So yeah , they were miserable and jumpy . So I was going to have to be subtle . Maybe even think up some tactics or a plan . Thursday was growling and muttering to himself . What , I didn 't know because it was in another language . He sounded a lot like Freya . We were really going to have to talk later . I called the kid over and told him " See them people standing around that truck ? " " They 're goats ! " Thursday told him . " Yeah those . " I told him . Now was not the time to squabble about fucking hood ornaments . " That 's my truck ! " Thursday added . " Both of you shut the fuck up about the fucking truck . " I didn 't yell . I didn 't raise my voice . In fact I said it very quietly . They looked at me and shut up . " Heres the plan . Zane . I want you to stand here and watch them . If they look like they are going to shoot us then shoot them . Me and Thursday are going to go down and talk to them . " " Okay . Thats a good plan . " Thursday told me . I really wanted to reply " Thanks for your fucking approval hammerhead " but we were trying to stay focused here . Then Zane asked " How do I shoot them if the window is in the way ? " I took a deep breath , and growled at him " You shoot through the fucking window . " Then I started heading down the stairs before I lost it . Damn , I missed Ninja at times like this . Him and Max . If I had them I would have been halfway back to Night by now . " It also had been ransacked at some point . This had been a row house originally and this room had been the kitchen and dining room area . Someone had spent some money on moving walls an updating it into a nice break room . I wouldn 't be surprised to find an apartment upstairs . Someone had a dream . An upscale art and glass boutique maybe . They could live the small town dream , make some money , and never have to commute again . Or maybe they sold sex toys . I would never know and I needed to focus on today . We locked eyes . If he so much as twitched an arm I was going to drill him . Fuck the noise it would make . He broke contact first , looked away , and mumbled something . I let it go . For now . " Okay . Up the stairs . Lets see if anyone is watching your truck . " I let him go first . That didn 't go unnoticed by him . His smirk didn 't go unnoticed by me either . I was right . They had lived above the shop . We did a quick tour of the rooms . Someone had tried to set the mattress on fire in the master bedroom . The other bedroom was a kids room . Someone had painted a unicorn on one wall . They had done a good job too . The unicorn was the only thing that interested Thursday in the place so far . He stood and stared at it until I told him from the door " We can see the truck from the window at the end of the hallway . " I had us headed towards the truck . We needed it , or something like it , to get the hell out of here as fast as possible . I had a feeling that once who was ever in charge here got their act together they would be extremely interested in finding us . I hoped to be forty miles down the road by then . I figured that if I was in charge I would have staked out the truck just in case . I was hoping that if they did that it wouldn 't be local soldier boys in Humvees with machine guns . I doubt if they had anything heavier . At least I hoped so . Even worse would be air support . I mentally shrugged and thought " In that case we are fucked . " The street we were on led to the corner of the block the truck was on . If the truck was still there it would be about a half a block down on the right . I slowed the pace and started looking at what we were running past . It was a mix of storefronts , row houses , and the occasional nicer house set a bit further back from the sidewalk . I stopped in front of a two story storefront that looked empty . I waited for Thursday an asked him " Can you open that front door with that hammer of yours ? " He just grinned , walked over to it and swung . I thought he would whack it by the lock and we would have to push it in . Nope . He took the entire door down . I really liked that hammer . I motioned for him to go in and waited for the kid . He was good . When we stopped he had plastered himself against the wall about nine feet away , crouched down , and was covering us . I didn 't have to say anything to him . He saw Thursday go in , and he was up and moving towards me and the door . Lowell may have been an asshole but the school looked like it hadn 't been a complete waste for the kid . He slipped past me and I followed him in . I grabbed the door and tried to fit it back into place as best as I could . " No use attracting attention " I thought . Thursday was wandering around the room . There wasn 't much to look at . Some shelving , a counter that had once held a POS terminal , and a woman 's white shoe lying on the floor beside it . I told them " Kid , watch that door . Me and Thursday are going upstairs and see if his truck is still there . " Thursday growled " They better not have touched my truck . " I ignored him and passed through doorway in the back looking for stairs . The doorway still had curtains hanging inside the frame to block the view into the next room . Thursday should have cleared this room already . He hadn 't , and I went into it with guns drawn . It was clear . We ran until we found another street to cross over on . I stopped at a corner . I sorely missed getting Freya 's magic bird view at times like this . Thursday was almost right behind me . I was going to have to slow it down . The kid was game but his legs were too short . Lightening strikes were hitting all over town and I smelled smoke . Something was burning nearby . It was hard to tell where . From the smell it was wood . Whether it was a house or a tree I had no idea . I didn 't really care either . What was bothering me was running down the road with all this iron attached to me . I felt like a freaking lightening rod waiting to get lit up . Especially as the strikes were not all that far away . Then it began to rain . Hard . I wasn 't sure who I wanted to smack upside the head more . Instead I told the kid " Shut up . " I told Thursday " Not today " and I started running again . The rain was heavy enough that I figured as long as it kept pouring we might get out of town without anymore problems . I felt better in the woods . In town if we got cornered they would eventually wear us down or burn us out . Of course the rain and lightening stopped almost instantly once we got moving again . I just kept jogging and thought " Shit never goes right . Never . " The thought kind of made me happy . I was used to that . We were crouched there in the kitchen when someone shot a short three round burst through the door I planned on going through . I thought about sending Thursday through the door first as a bullet sponge then I laughed . Hell , that 's why I got paid the big bucks . I was getting ready to tell Thursday to lay flat on the floor with the boy when he signaled me to look at the opposite wall . I looked . I saw a wall . So ? He pointed at me and the kid to cover our eyes . I don 't know what the boy did but I peaked . Thursday reared back and tossed his hammer at the wall he had pointed at . The wall blew out like it had been hit by a cannon . I was impressed . I grabbed the kid by the collar and raced towards the hole making a mental note to myself to get a hammer like that . Maybe two . The world we found as we ran out of the diner wasn 't the same one that had been there when we had stopped by for lunch . I had never been in the eye of a tornado but this was what I would expect it to look like . The sun was gone . The wind howled somewhere not far off and the clouds were black , fat and low . I doubt if we had more than a 100 yard ceiling at this point . The temperature had dropped too . It felt good . It felt right . It felt like killing time . Nobody was outside , at least on this side . We had had come out into a parking lot . To my right was an alley that the backdoor of the kitchen opened on . I had two choices : Move away from the enemy who was around the corner or engage . I let go of Zanes collar by shoving him hard into the asphalt of the parking lot , pulled my sword , and screamed " Freya ! " without breaking stride . On my left was Thursday . I took a quick look at him just before we turned the diner corner . His face was red , veins stood out like snakes on his neck , he screamed something I lost in the wind and roar of my fury and desire to cut some fucking heads off . There were four of them . They looked at us and freaked . That was a mistake . A fatal one . We ran into them like a pair of wolves ripping into a flock of sheep . Their only advantage was distance . We were breathing in their faces before they could get their act together . I didn 't break stride . I hit the one to my right using the sword as a lance . It hit him dead center and ripped through every thing he was wearing , his guts and then punched its way out the back just below his shoulder blades . I forgot to shoot the guy on my left . Instead I slashed at his face as I went past with the barrel of the Ruger . It wasn 't a clean hit . He was wearing a helmet and he took it half on it and half in his face . I did get the pleasure of seeing his nose explode . I was past my two , trying to slow down and spin around so I could come back for more . It took me all of a second at most but I was too late . I got turned around in time to see Thursday shatter the soldier I had just run past helmet and his brains inside it . At his feet were three soldier boys who wouldn 't be getting an open coffin send off to the next world . Their heads were nothing but seedless watermelon . The kid came bolting around the corner . I noticed his knees were bleeding through his pants and one knee was torn . Asphalt is unforgiving but so was the world we were in . He didn 't pause to gawk or talk . He grabbed a rifle off the ground and pulled the watermelon heads spare magazine in about three blinks of an eye . Which was good because we were running again . Thursday raised his hammer . The officer looked at him , grinned , and said " This ain 't a body shop old man . Put it down . " I was doing my calculations on who I was going to kill first when he put it down . Hard . The next thing I knew was I laying on the diner floor trying to clear my eyes from the after flash of the lightening strike that had hit the Humvee outside the window . It was now a smoking ruin and all the diner windows had blown in . I was covered in shattered glass and my ears were ringing which was good . It meant I wasn 't deaf . My brain was screaming at me " Shit ! Get up dumbass ! " I got up , filled my hands with guns , and registered that Thursday was still standing and laughing . I saw movement on the floor where the officer escorts had been . One of the soldier boys was sitting up and shaking his head . I shook it some more for him and shot the one next to him who was screaming . The officer was down . His head was a pulp . Mentally I noted it , thought " Huh ? " and moved forward to find the remaining two . One of them was busy bleeding out from the face full of glass he taken . The other popped up from behind a table and I caught him right between the eyes . I swear he looked cross eyed at the bullet just before it impacted . " Damn ! The kid ! " I looked back and he was fine . He had gone down and stayed down on the floor . He looked a little pale but I didn 't see any bleeding . This was good . Someone outside cut loose with a short burst just barely missing me . It was time to go . I yelled " Go ! " and ran for the kitchen door . I didn 't look back . They either followed or we all died right here and I wasn 't in the mood to die . Inside the kitchen there was no sign of the cook or the waitress . Just as well . No sign of apple pie either and no time to look . Life was a real bitch sometimes . The kid was through next followed by Thursday . He had waited to make sure the kid cleared the room first . I liked that . I crouched down and gestured for them to do the same . Someone was pushing rounds through the front of the diner and I knew we were running out of time fast . I also knew going out the back door was probably going to hurt . |
The third and final post in the Edogawa Rampo month series . Because I don 't think that planning something for my blog was a good idea . But to be honest , the whole declaring a Edogawa Rampo month was all just to force myself to translate something by Edogawa Rampo . Because it 's been a while since the last time I 've done that . And the lucky one is 1929 's Nanimono ( " Who " ) , which is a very interesting Edogawa Rampo story . Nanimono is an early story by Edogawa Rampo and probably his final real orthodox detective story . The publication of this story was between the publication of Kumo Otoko ( " The Spider Man " ) and Majutsushi ( " Magician " ) was kinda unlucky , because Nanimono is a very orthodox story without any of the outlandish and fantastical elements found in those stories , and so it wasn 't accepted that well by the general public . They longed for more of the dreamy , fantasy - like crime stories ( ero guro nonsense ) stories written by Edogawa . Seeing this reaction , Edogawa stopped writing orthodox detective stories like Nanimono and D - Zaka no Satsujin Jiken ( " The D - Slope Murder Case " ) and concentrated on writing his more pulpy stuff . So Nanimono is a turning point in Edogawa Rampo 's writing career . Which is a shame , as this is one of the few stories Edogawa Rampo himself was pleased with and it was also quite well received by detective critics in Japan at the time . I doubt I will ever translate something as long as this any time soon though . It 's the longest story I have translated here yet and to be very honest , I don 't feel very pleased about the translation , but it 's readable . Enjoy Edogawa 's story , and not my sleepy English - with - definite - elements - of - Dutch - and - Japanese - mixed - within . Even though the guilty party is right in front of the eyes of the readers from the beginning on , the readers don 't know who it is until the very end : this has become one of the rules to orthodox detective novels . I 've tried to comply to this rule as best as possible . Alert readers might figure out the guilty party halfway through this story . People who aren 't used to reading detective novels , might not find out until the end . I have tried to write this story with this in mind . Please read this as a game of wits , where you are the one who has to solve the case . Jiji Shimbun ( evening paper ) . Shouwa 4 ( 1929 ) : 19 december , 24 december . A certain person said this after he had told me his story . It was about a case that happened four or five years ago , but he had always hesitated speaking of it , as the person around whom the story revolved , was still alive . But that person had died recently , because of some disease , or so he said . Having heard that , I thought it was indeed good material for a story . Why , I will not explain here , but you 'll understand when you 've read until the end of this story . The " I " hereafter , is the person who told me this story . One summer , I was invited by my good friend Kouta Shintarou to the home of Yuuki Hirokazu ( I was not so close to him as Kouta was to him , but he was a friend nonetheless ) , and we stayed there for half a month . It was then that the incident happened . Hirokazu was the son of major - general Yuuki , a man holding an important position at the offices of the Ministry of War . The Major - General 's mansion was near the sea at Kamakura and therefore the perfect place to spend our summer vacation . The three of us had all graduated from same university that year . . Yuuki was from the English faculty , while Kouta and me were from the Economics faculty , but we all shared a room when we attended high school , so we were good friends , even though we were from different faculties . It would be the last summer of our carefree student lives . Kouta would be working at a trading company in Tokyo from September on , while Hirokazu and I would be taken by the army and were to be enlisted by the end of the year . Though for different reasons , from next year on , we wouldn 't be able to experience such a free summer vacation anymore . And so I accepted Hirokazu 's invitation to spend this vacation as good as we could , as to have no regrets afterwards . Hirokazu had no siblings , so he lived extravagantly like some kind of lord in his mansion . His father was a major - general , but his ancesters used to be the chief vassals of some daimyou , so his family had quite a fortune . And so life for me , as a guest , wasn 't bad at all . At the Yuuki mansion was also a beautiful girl whom we had become friends with . Her name was Shimako and she was Hirokazu 's cousin . Her parents had died long ago , so she was taken in to the Yuuki mansion and raised there . She had graduated from the girl 's school and at that time pretty focused on practicing playing music . She could play a bit of violin . We went to the seashore whenever the weather was good . The Yuuki mansion was located between Yuigahama and Katase , but we usually went the more lively Yuigahama . There were many of our friends , men and women , at the beach besides the four of us , so we never got tired of it . Beneath our red - white checkered beach umbrella , we 'd sit with our tanned shoulders next to each other , talking and laughing with Shimako and some friends of hers . When we had enough of the beach , we would go fishing for koi carpers at the Yuuki mansion . The major - general had set loose a great number of koi carpers in a big pond , like a fishing pond , so even amateurs could catch some . We learned the tricks of fishing from the major - general . Those truly were free , happy and comfortable days . But bright places are envied by that monster that bears the name " tragedy " . The brighter the more intense its hate burns , and so tragedy suddenly came upon us . One day the sound of a gunshot rang through the Yuuki mansion . This story begins with that gunshot . One evening , the master ( the major general ) , celebrated his birthday and had gathered his friends for a party . Kouta and I also joined as guests . We were seated in the Japanese room on the second floor of the main building , a room the size of 15 or 16 tatami mats . The host and guests were all dressed in yukata and the feast was quite relaxed . The drunken Mr . Yuuki encited gidayuu passages and begged by all of us , Shimako also played her violin for us . The feast ended without any mishaps and most guests had returned by ten o ' clock . The people of family and two or three guests , enjoying a summer night , were still sitting in their chairs . Besides Mr . Yuuki , his wife , Hirokazu , Shimako and me , there were an old retired officer called Kitagawa and a friend of Shimako called Kotono , seven in all . The major - general and the old Kitagawa played some go , and the others asked Shimako and made her play her violin again . " Well , I have work to do tomorrow , so I 'll leave now , " Hirokazu said to me after the violin performance had ended and stood up from his seat . At that time he had accepted a request to write a story for a local newspaper , that was his work , and every night , around ten , he would lock himself up in his father 's study in the Western - styled annex to work . He had rented a house when he was studying in Tokyo , and the study he used when he was at junior high was now used by Shimako , so he didn 't have his own study at home . Around the time he should have walked down the stairs , went through the corrider and arrived at the annex , the sound like something being beaten suddenly surprised us all . Looking at it now , it must have been the sound of that pistol . I can 't remember the expressions on everyone 's face at that time . We all stood up and rushed to the stairway . When we arrived at the annex , we found , in the major - general 's study ( I will give a map later ) , Hirokazu lying on the floor covered in blood and Kouta standing next to him with a pale face . " There . . . from there . . . " Kouta pointed at window , faced to the south to the garden , like he couldn 't talk any more due to the shock . And the window was opened and a hole had been made in one part of the window , a uneven round hole . Someone had cut the glass from outside , released the lock , opened the window and entered . There were creepy steps of mud on the carpet . Hirokazu 's mother went to his side and I walked over to the opened window . But there were no signs of someone outside the window . The robber of course hadn 't waited for us . At the same time , the major - general , if you 're wondering what he did , he didn 't even look at his son 's wound , but went straight to the small safe in the corner of the room , lined up the numbers , opened the door and looked through the contents . I was surprised seeing this . I didn 't even know they had a safe in this house , but to just leave your wounded son there while you first check your treasures , that is no way for a military man to behave . And finally , ordered by the major - general , the houseboy contacted the police and hospital . His mother was clinging to the unconcious body of Hirokazu , screaming his name . I took out my handkerchief and bound it around his leg to stop the bleeding . The bullet had been cruelly shot through his ankle . Shimako was alert , bringing a cup of water from the kitchen . Strangely enough , she didn 't look as sad as the madam of the house . It was really strange . She looked indifferent . I thought she would one day marry Hirokazu , so I couldn 't help but thinking that was weird . But talking about strange things , there was something even stranger than the major - general looking through his safe , even stranger than the cold Shimako . It was the behavior of the servant of the Yuuki family , an old man called Tsune . He had also heard the commotion and had come to the study a bit later than us , but as soon as he had walked into the room , for some reason or another , he walked straight to the open window , around the backs of the people who were standing around Kazuhiro and just sat down next to the window . With everything going on , nobody was paying attention to the manner of the old man , but I just happened to see that and I was wondering whether the old man had gone mad or something . He was watching everyone 's commotion , while he stayed put on his seat . But there couldn 't be something wrong with his back . After a while , the doctor came . And before long , the juridicial official from the Kamakura police station , chief inspector Hatano arrived with his subordinates . Hirokazu was taken on a stretcher to the Kamakura Hospital , accompanied by his mother and Shimako . He had regained his conciousness by then , but he had a weak psyche and due to the pain and fear , he was looking like a baby , crying out loud like having gone mad , so even if chief inspector Hatano had asked him about the appearance of the thief , he wouldn 't have been able to answer . The wound wasn 't so grave as to endanger his life , but the bullet had shattered the bone of his ankle , so it was a pretty heavy wound . The investigation made it clear this was the work of a robber . There was no doubt the robber had crept in from the back garden and that when he was searching for things to steal , Kazuhiro had come in ( Kazuhiro had probably chased him inside the room . Because he hadn 't fallen by the door ) , and being surprised , the burglar had shot him with the gun he carried . All drawers of the big office desk had been pulled out and all the papers were lying on the ground . But according to the major - general , nothing of value had been in the drawers . On that same desk , the major - general 's large wallet had been lying around , but strangely enough , none of the dozens of hundred yen notes that had been inside the wallet had been taken . And when we arrive at the question of what was stolen , well , it seems like he was a really strange robber . First of all , from the desk a small golden table clock ( which had been next to the wallet even ) , and from the same desk , a golden fountain pen , a gold plated wristwatch ( with a golden chain ) and the most expensive thing stolen was a sigarette set placed on a table in the middle of a room ( only the cigeratte holder and the ashtray , the platter was left behind . The platter was made from copper ) , these kinds of items . This was everything that was stolen . They looked around , but couldn 't find any more . There was nothing amiss with the safe 's contents either . This thief had , without looking at the other items , gone off with everything made from gold in this room . This was truly an odd robber . Leaving a wallet with hundreds of yen in it , while stealing a fountain pen and a wristwatch without much value , I really couldn 't even begin seeing the thief 's intents . The chief inspector asked the major - general whether among the items made from gold , there were items that were worth something besides money . But the major - general answered he couldn 't think of something particular . Just that he had received the gold fountain pen when he was the regimental commander of a certain army division from an illuminious person from the same regiment and it thus had a special meaning to the major - general . And the golden table clock , it was quite small , about two sun ( one sun is around 3 . 03 cm ) in all dimensions , he had brought it back from Paris as a souvenir of his journey to the West and he wouldn 't be able to get hold of such a exquisite piece of machinery anymore . But both items couldn 't have had a special meaning to the thief . Then chief inspector Hatano went out the room , outside , and proceeded orderly with his meticulous investigation of the crime scene . He had arrived after at least twenty minutes after the gunshot , so he wasn 't as foolish as to try to run after the thief 's foot tracks . I heard this afterwards , but this official was a believer of criminology , holding a scientific meticulousness as his most important motto . He was an extraordinary policeman . One time , when he was just a detective in some remote country place , he had placed a teacup on top of a drip of blood on the floor , and to preserve it until his superiors and the prosecutor came , he had beaten the floor with a stick all night long around the cup . Or so they say . By doing so , he was able to keep earthworms from feeding off the blood . He was able to get to his current position with such attention for detail and nothing was left untouched by the investigations made by this man . That 's why prosecutors and preliminary judges all alike , trusted his reports absolutely . But despite the meticulous investigation by this meticulous chief inspector , not even a single strand of hair was found inside the room . Therefore the only clues were the fingerprints on the glass window and the footsteps outside . Like I thought , the thief had used a glass cutter and a suction cup to cut a hole out of the window , in order to release the lock . We had to wait for the official for the fingerprints , so the chief inspector took out the flashlight he had brought with him and took a look on the ground outside the window . It had luckily just stopped with raining , so clear footprints were left outside the window . The prints were of shoes like the kind workers wear and the pattern of the rubber sole had been left on the ground . The two sets of tracks leading to the wall , were the tracks of coming and going of the thief . The chief inspector then called for a subordinate to get his shoes , he put them and somewhat rude stretched his legs over the window and got down on the floor outside and followed the footsteps guided by his flashlight . Even though I would be a nuisance , I couldn 't keep myself from going around the grassy grounds of the Japanese mansion following the chief inspector , being a very curious man . It was of course to see the footprints made by the thief . But it turned out I wasn 't the only person to be a nuisance to the investigation of the footsteps . There was already somone standing there . It was Mr . Akai , who had been invited for the birthday party . He was a really quickwitted man , who had come out here before I even knew it . I had no idea about what kind of person Mr . Akai was , and what his connection to the Yuuki family was . Even Hikokazu didn 't seem to know anything of interest neither . He was a rather slim man , around 27 or 28 years old , with unkempt hair and even though he didn 't seem to talk much , he always had a smile on his face . A somewhat suspicious man . He often came to play go at the Yuuki mansion . Always till late in the night and he had even stayed a couple of nights . The major - general said he had met him at some club and that he was a great go opponent . He had been invited to the feast and attended the diner , but he wasn 't in the large room on the second floor when the incident took place . He had probably been somewhere on the first floor . By some coincidence , I did happen to know this person liked detective novels . It was the second day I was staying at the Yuuki mansion and I happened to walk in on Mr . Akai and Hikokazu talking in the study where our incident happened . Mr . Akai was looking at the bookcase Hikokazu had placed in his father 's study and talking about something . Hikokazu is a big fan of detective novels ( so much that he , the victim himself , took up the role of detective later in this case ) and there were many books on criminology and detective novels gathered there . It seemed like they were discussing famous detectives from Japan and abroad . The topic discussion went up to real detectives ever since Vidocq and detectives in novels since Dupin . And Kazuhiko pointed to a book called " The Akechi Kogorou Detective Stories " and criticized it with " that man is nothing more than empty words " . Mr . Akai agreed with him . The both of them were great connoisseurs of the detective novel and they really had an interesting discussion amongst them . So it wasn 't strange to see Mr . Akai having interest in this case , and him arriving before me to investigate the foot tracks . But enough of this sidetrack . Chief Inspector Hatano said : " Mind your steps , don 't step on the footprints , " and while keeping a watch on the two of us , silently went to investigate the tracks . And when he saw that it seemed like the thief had climbed over the low wall to get away , he went back to the annex and it seemed he asked someone from the house for something , and brought back an earthenware mortar used for cooking and placed it on top of the clearest footprint . It was a precaution to preserve the shape until they would make a replica . A detective who likes to keep things under cups . Then the three of us opened the back door and went outside the walls and there was an empty tract of land , where used to be a mansion , and because nobody ever walked by here , there were no other sets to confuse us , only the tracks of the thief had been left there clearly . Moving the flashlight around , we had arrived around halfway the empty tract of land . Hatano suddenly stopped and cried out in confusion : " What ? Did the criminal dive into the well ? " I was surprised by the outrageous words of the chief inspector , but when I looked myself , I thought he had to be correct . The footsteps had ended at the well , which was standing right in the middle of the vacant lot . The footprints had also departed from that place . No matter how much we looked around , using the flashlight , there were no other footsteps within a perimeter of 5 or 6 tatami mats . Furthermore , there was no hard type of ground around the well on which one would leave no footprints . Neither was there any grass growing in which one could hide one 's footsteps . The plastered well , which was covered with cracks , gave me a creepy feeling . When we looked inside the well using the flashlight , we saw that the cracked plaster continued all the way down , and what reflected back vagely at the bottom , was the moldy water . It bounced up and down , as if spirits were swimming there . It was hard to believe that the thief had appeared from the well and disappeared back into the well . It was not like he was O - kiku 's spirit . But as long he hadn 't used some kind of balloon and taken off to the sky , the only explanation to the footprint was that he had entered the well . And even the scientific investigator Hatano showed some signs of hesitation . With scrupulous care , he ordered a subordinate to get a bamboo pole and poked around in the well , but he of course said he couldn 't find a thing and was of the absurd opinion that there had to be some trick to the plastered wall , like some sort of underground exit or something like that . " It 's so dark , so we can 't really examine everything in detail . Let 's investigate tomorrow morning " , thus Hatano muttered to himself and went back to the mansion . And while he waited for the people from the court to arrive , the diligent Hatano took the testimonies of the people inside the mansion and made a map of the mansion . For convenience 's sake , I will explain the map . Even though it is close on the map , there is a distance of half a block between the wall and the well . He had taken out his measuring tape , which he always took with him and had carefully measured the place where the victim had fallen down ( he got that from the blood stains ) , the space between the footsteps , the distance between the coming and leaving footsteps , a map of the annex , the placement of the windows , the location of the trees in the garden , the pond and the walls , more things than could he would have needed . Then he drew the map in his notebook . But the chief inspector 's efforts were not useless . Even if an amateur would think it was useless , we would later see it had been extremely useful . For the reader 's interest , I have made a map like the chief inspector made and inserted it here . I made this map myself after the case was solved , working back from the conclusion , so it isn 't as precise as the one by the chief inspector , but the points of interest for solving the case are without doubt here , you might say they are even more accentuated . As you will understand later , this map actually tells you a lot about the crime . To give a example , the drawings of the thief 's footprints . They don 't just tell us his footsteps were turned inwards like a woman 's steps , but the distance between the steps of the footprints marked D are small , while the distance of those marked E are bigger , and that shows us that D were the footsteps of the thief silently creeping inside , while E are the steps after he had fired a gun and was running away as fast as he can . That 's why we know D are the coming footsteps and E the ones leaving ( Mr . Hatano had also measured the distance between the steps of both sets carefully and made an estimated length of the thief and written that down , but that would make everything quite long , so I 'll leave that away ) . But this was just one example . There is another meaning to the map of the foot tracks . From the location of the victim and some other points , another important interpretation will come up later . But to tell you the story in its right order , I won 't touch upon this point now , but I would like the reader to carefully remember the map . And to tell you about the investigation of the people at the mansion , well , the first person who was examined was the witness who first discovered the crime , Kouta Shintarou . He had gone down to the first floor of the mansion , about twenty minutes before Hirokazu had left , had gone to the toilet beneath the stairs , and afterwards had gone out to the hallway , to cool off his head from the drinks he had and just when he turned around to go back to the party at the second floor , he heard a gunshot followed by Hirokazu 's scream . When he had arrived at the annex , the door to the study was half open and it was pitch dark inside as the lights were off . When he had told him the story up to this point , the chief inspector asked him : " Yes , Hirokazu probably didn 't even had time to switch the lights on , " Kouta answered . " When I arrived at the study , I first pushed the switch on the wall and turned the lights on . Hirokazu was lying down in the middle of the room , unconcious . I then ran back to the mansion , calling out for the people there . " " Hmm , not really . . . Ah ! Yes , it 's a trifle point , but when I arrived at the annex , I remember I was surprised by the cat running out of the study . Hisamatsu came flying like bullet . " The chief inspector made a strange face when he heard that . Someone had clearly seen the face of the thief in this darkness . But a cat can 't tell us anything . Afterwards the people of the Yuuki family ( and the servants ) , Mr . Akai , me , and other guests were asked the same questions , but nobody had something interesting to tell . Mrs . Yuuki and Shimako had gone to the hospital and weren 't there at that time so they were questioned the following day and I heard that Shimako 's testimony was a bit strange , so I 'll write it down now . " Nothing has gone missing , but someone had opened the drawer of my desk . This morning , I found my diary , which I had placed inside the drawer last night , lying wide open on top of my desk . The drawer was still open . Nobody in the family , not even the female servants would do such a thing , so I really thought it was strange . But this is probably not . . . " The chief inspector had just listened to her story without real interest , but as we would later know , the incident of the diary would have a certain bearing on this case . But let us return to the story . A bit later , the people from the court finally arrived . Specialists also arrived , taking fingerprints . But they didn 't came up with more results than Hatano had already procured . There were signs of the window glass being wiped by a cloth and there were no fingerprints there . There were no fingerprints even on the pieces of glass on the ground outside the window . From these points , we knew the thief wasn 't just your average guy . Finally , the chief inspector ordered his subordinated to make a print of the footstep that he had covered earlier with an earthenware morta , and carefully took it back to the police station . It was already two o ' clock when all the ruckus had stopped and we finally were in our own beds . My bed was next to Kouta 's , but because of the excitement neither of us could get to sleep and we both kept turning over in our beds all night long . Despite that , we somehow didn 't talk about the case at all . The next morning , I , usually a late riser , got out of bed at 5 o ' clock . I wanted to take a better look at those impossible footprints in the morning light . I am a pretty curious guy . Because Kouta was sleeping quite soundly , I stepped out as silently as possible , opened the shutter opening out to the garden , slipped on my garden slippers and walked around to the outside wall of the annex . But surprisingly , somebody was already ahead of me again . And it was once again Mr . Akai . But he wasn 't looking at the footprint . What , I don 't know , but he was looking at something else . He was standing somewhat west of the south side of the annex ( where the footprints where ) , hiding his body behind the building , and he was peering towards the northern part of the west side of the annex , with only his head sticking out . What could there be at such a place ? That was the back of the annex , where the kitchen of the mansion was and just in front of that , only the flower bed the old man Tsune had been taking care of for his own amusement . It was not as if particular beautiful flowers had been growing there . I on my turn was surprised by his voice . Mr . Akai then slowly pushed me back and started a nonsense story about the weather . I thought this was very suspicous and when I couldn 't take it anymore , I pushed my way through the obstacle that was Mr . Akai , not caring how he felt about it , walked a bit away from the building and looked towards the north , but there was nothing to see . Only the sight of the early rising Tsune digging around in his flowerbed . What had . Mr Akai been looking at so intently ? " I wasn 't looking at anything . By the way , you came here to look at the yesterday 's footprints . Am I right ? " he turned the questioning around . I gave up and answered yes . " Well , let 's go together then . I was just planning to take a look myself too , you know , " he invited me . But I instantly saw these words were lies . Outside the wall , there were four sets of Mr . Akai 's footsteps . He had gone and come back twice . One set of then had to be from this morning , before I came . ' I was just planning . . . ' He had already taken a good look ! When we arrived next to the well , I looked around for a bit , but it was no different from yesterday night . The footsteps really started and ended at the well . Besides those tracks , there were only the footprint of the three persons who came here to investigate last night and to precise , the tracks of some wild dog that had walked around here . " What if these tracks are made with some special kind of shoe ? " I unwittingly said to myself . Why you ask ? The dog 's tracks had come from the other side towards the well , and after a bit of walking around there , had gone back the way it came . It was then that I remembered a real crime story from abroad . I had read it in an old Strand Magazine . A murder had been commited in a house on a plain . The victim had been living alone . The murderer had surely come from outside . But strangely enough , there were no human footprints to be found on the snow that had stopped falling before the crime . As if the murderer had commited his deed and taken off to the sky afterwards . There were no human footprints , but there were footsteps of another living creature . The tracks of horseshoes , of a horse having gone to the house and back . The police then thought for a while that the man had been kicked to death by the horse , but as they investigated further , they found out that the murderer had attached horseshoes to his own shoes to hide his footsteps . Thus the story went . So I thought , maybe these dog tracks are like the tracks from that story . It seemed to be quite a big dog , so it wasn 't impossible to think a man had been crawling on all fours with something shaped like a dog 's paw and had made those tracks . And considering the time those tracks were made , going by how much the ground had dried there , the tracks had to have been made around the same time the man had been walking there . I told Mr Aakai my thoughts and he said , in a sarcastic way : " You 're quite the great detective , aren 't you ? " and then stopped talking . A peculiar man . I followed the dog 's tracks to the road across from the empty lot , but the road was made of pebble stones , so there were no clear tracks left there . The " dog " had probably gone left or right on that road . But because I am no detective , I couldn 't decide what to do after I saw the tracks ended and as my ideas had also dried up , it ended here , but I would later get to know what a real detective would have done at this point . An hour later , chief inspector Hatano came back for a second investigation , just as he had said , but he didn 't make any discoveries worth mentioning . After breakfast , Kouta and I decided to take our leave from the Yuuki mansion , as we couldn 't possibly stay here with all the commotion . I myself was reluctant to give up on seeing how the case would develop , but I could hardly stay here on my own . Anyhow , I could just come here again from Tokyo . On the way back to Tokyo , I of course paid a visit to Hirokazu 's hospital . Major - general Yuuki and Mr . Akai were also there . Mrs . Yuuki and Shimako had stayed all night in the hospital , but they hadn 't slept at all and had pale faces . Hirokazu himself , I couldn 't meet . Only his father the major - general was allowed inside the room . It was more serious than I thought . Two days passed and on the third day I went to Kamukura again , to visit Hirokazu and also to see what had happened meanwhile . Hirokazu had been struck with fever after his surgery and while he wasn 't in danger anymore , he had weakened a lot and didn 't really feel like talking . Chief inspector Hatano had also come on that day and when he asked him whether he remembered the appearence of the thief , Hirokazu answered only with : " I can 't remember a thing besides the light of his flashlight and a dark figure . " This I had heard from Mrs Yuuki . After I had left the hospital , I had gone to the Yuuki mansion to pay my respects to the major - general , but I saw a mysterious sight on my way back . It was something I just couldn 't comprehend . After I had left the mansion , I kept thinking about the well , curious as I am , and I went to the empty lot , looked around the well to my hearts content , went to the pebble road where the dog tracks had disappeared , made a big turn and went back to the parking spot , but on a road not far from the empty lot I suddenly saw Mr . Akai . Well , well , Mr . Akai once again . Opening a lattice door , he had come out a residential house facing the road , but as he saw me from afar , he turned his head away and quickly walked away as if fleeing . Seeing this , I made up my will and sped to chase Mr . Akai . When I passed by the house Mr . Akai had left , I saw the name plate said " Kotono Saemon " . I memorized the name and went back to following Mr . Akai and after about one block , I finally caught up with him . But as Mr . Akai was talking facing me , I was surprised . Like the helper of a goldsmith , or the disciple of a paperer , his body was covered with gold powder . From his hands to his breast and knees , gold powder was all over him like aventurine , and with the summer sun upon it , was shining brilliantly . Looking closely , even his nose was gold like some statue of a Buddha . When I asked him about it , he answered vagely . At that time , " gold " had a special meaning to us . The thief who had shot Hirokazu had only stolen objects of gold . He had , what chief inspector Hatano had called , " obsession for gold " . This mysterious Mr Akai , who had been present that night at the Yuuki mansion had tried to run from me in this golden state . This was really strange . Mr Akai couldn 't be the criminal , right ? But how could he explain his mysterious behaviour , this sparkling figure of him ? " On the other side of the well , you know , a timber merchant from the neighbourhood had placed old wood there until two days before the incident . If he hadn 't sold all of the old wood , the wood would have been in the way , so not even those dog 's tracks we saw would have been left there . Don 't you think ? I have only heard it just now myself too . " Mr . Akai said this useless fact as if it was very important . Was he just trying to hide his emberassment , or was he just someone stupid trying to look smart ? Because it didn 't matter whether wood had been there or not two days before the incident . It wouldn 't have been a obstacle to the footprint in any way . It was completely useless . When I told him that , Mr . Akai just said with the same assuming air : " If you say that , well , that 's that then . " That day ended with no further developments and I went back , but after another week I went for the third time to Kamakura . Hirokazu was still in the hospital , but I had received a telegram saying he had already recovered and that he had something to tell me so I had to come . During that week , I hadn 't heard anything from the Yuuki family about the police investigation , nor was there anything in the newspapers , so I didn 't know anything . But the culprit had of course still not been captured . When I entered the room , Hirokazu was still looking a bit pale , but overall quite good and was surrounded by flowers sent by people , his mother and the nurse . " Hey , Matsumura , I 'm glad you came ! " When he saw me , he delightedly stuck out his hand . I shook hands with him and congratulated him with his recovery . " But my lameness won 't heal . I 'm a hideous cripple , " Hirokazu said gloomingly . I didn 't how to respond . His mother was standing next to him blinking . After a bit of small talk , his mother said she had to do some shopping , so she entrusted Hirokazu to me and left the room . Hirokazu also sent away the nurse , so there was nothing hindering our talk anymore . We first talked about the case . According to Hirokazu , the police had dredged the well and gone through the stores that sold the shoes that made the tracks , but nothing was found at the bottom of the well , and the shoes were of a very common kind , and many of them were sold every single day . So they hadn 't found anything at all . As the victim 's father , major general Yuuki , was an important man at the Ministery of War , chief inspector Hatano had been quite respectful towards such an influential local man and thus sometimes paid visits to Hirokazu 's room , and when he heard Hirokazu was interested in criminal investigations , he told him every detail of the case . " And that 's why I know everything the police knows , but it really is a mysterious case , isn 't it ? Footprints disappearing from the middle of a field , it 's like a detective novel . And it 's strange only golden objects were stolen . Have you more news ? " Hirokazu had been the victim himself and he has always had an interest in detectives and such , so he was very interested in this case . So I told him every particular he didn 't know , the strange behaviour of Mr Akai , the tracks of the dog and the strange sight of old man Tsune sitting at the window that night . Hirokazu nodded and was listening tensely and when I had finished my story , he started to think very hard . He was thinking so hard with his eyes closed , that I even started to worry whether there wasn 't something wrong with his body . But he opened his eyes in the end and muttered seriously , " This is perhaps an even more fiendish crime than everyone is thinking . " " Yes , what I just came up with , is an incredible case . Not a crime for a burglar . It 's a plot that would make you shudder . The doings of a horrible and despicable demon . " " No , I can 't tell you , " Hirokazu answered while looking at the ceiling . " It 's still nothing more than a daydream . It 's too horrible a crime . Let 's just think about it a bit . We have enough data . Many strange events are to be found in this case , but behind the strange facts at the surface , a very simple reason might be hiding behind it all . " Hirokazu said this like he was just talking to himself , and then closed his eyes and became silent again . Inside his head , the horrible truth was probably being constructed . But what that truth was , I couldn 't even imagine . " What 's there beyond that well . . . No no , I shouldn 't think like that . There has to be a different explanation . Matsumura , you still remember it , right ? Chief inspector Hatano showed me the map of the crime scene earlier and only the important things were taken down , and you see , there was something strange with the foot tracks . There was the point of the thief 's steps pointing inwards like a woman and that 's of course very important , but there was something even stranger . I showed that to Mr Hatano , but he didn 't seem to pay it any real attention . You probably saw it too , right . The tracks coming and leaving are strangely far apart . In such a situation , isn 't it more natural to choose the shortest way back ? I mean , the shortest distance between two points . But if we take the window of the annex and the well as our base points , the tracks going and leaving are tracing an arc . There are even big trees between these arcs . To me , this seems very strange . " " But it was pitch dark that night . And the thief would have been very agitated having fired his gun . Is it that strange that he took another way back ? " I wasn 't content with his argument . " Those tracks turned out like that , because it was pitchdark . You 're looking at it from the wrong angle . What I 'm trying to point out , isn 't the fact that he took different paths . What I 'm thinking is that the two sets of footprints were made far apart from each other on purpose ( and it was actually on purpose ) , that the thief intently avoided stepping on his own footprints . Because it was pitch dark , he had to be careful and walk around quite far away . And there has to be a reason for that . I asked Mr . Hatano to confirm whether the tracks going and back had overlapped at any spot , but of course , there was no such thing . To have no footprints overlap on a distance between two points in that darkness , I 'd hardly think that 's a coincidence . " " I see , now you mention it , it does seem a bit strange . But why was the thief trying so hard to avoid walking over his footprints ? It seems rather meaningless . " " No , there is a reason . But let 's think a bit more . " Hirokazu acted like Sherlock Holmes , hiding his conclusions . This had been an old custom of his . His face was still pale , his breath uncontrolled , the injury , wrapped in thick bandages still looked painful and from time to time he frowned with his eyebrows , but when he was talking detectives , he would show his trademark enthousiasm . And he wasn 't just the victim , but he also seemed to have felt some kind of horrible plot behind the incident . No wonder he was so serious . " The second mystery , the stolen objects were all golden objects . Why didn 't the thief steal any money ? When I heard that , I immediately thought of a certain person . Someone only very few people know of in this neighbourhood . It seems Mr . Hatano isn 't aware of that person . " " No , I don 't think he is . That 's why I won 't tell Mr . Hatano about that person . But I shouldn 't talk to you about someone you don 't know anyway . I was wrong anyway to have suspected that person for even a second . If it was him , it wouldn 't explain all the other points . " With that , he closed his eyes again . He could really irritate people . But he was actually a lot better than me at this deduction stuff , so what could I do about it ? I patiently waited for him , like some speaking companion for an ill man , and finally , he opened his eyes . His eyes shone out a joyful light . " What do you think the biggest object was amongst the stolen golden objects ? It was probably the table clock , right ? How big was it , around three sun in length , two sun in broadth and depth , something like that , I think . And the weight . Something around 300 momme ( 1 momme is around 3 . 75 g ) , right ? " " I don 't think I have seen the object , but from what I heard from your father , that seems about right . But how are the dimensions and weight of the table clock connected to the case ? You 're saying all kinds of strange things . " " Do you mean those were things the thief was able to take with him ? " But thinking about it , it seemed like a very stupid question . He ignored that , and suddenly said something outrageous . He had gone crazy . He told me to to throw the flower vase placed in his room at the wall outside the window . It was a five sun high earthenware vase , and not particular valuable . " What are you saying ! I would break the vase ! Don 't tell you have gone crazy ? " I was really starting to wonder about Hirokazu 's mind . I was still hesitant , but then Hirokazu started to become irritated and tried to get up from his bed . That was bad . He wasn 't allowed to move even a bit with his body . He looked out of his mind , but I shouldn 't argue with a patient , I thought , so I finally gave in to his stupid request . I threw the vase through the open window was hard as I can , towards the concrete wall about three gen away . The vase hit the wall and broke in fragments . Hirokazu stuck his head out and looked at the final moments of the vase . He then looked relieved and moved his body back to its former position . " Great , great , that was perfect . Thanks . " A nonchalant thanks . I was worried whether someone hadn 't heard the sound and would come here . " By the way , about old man Tsune 's behaviour . . . , " Hirokazu suddenly started with another story . It seemed his thoughts had lost all coherence . I started to worry . " What ? But you saw it so clearly . You were only paying attention to Mr . Akai , so you didn 't notice . Look , you just told me , right . That Mr . Akai was looking in the direction of the annex . " " No , you 're thinking of something else . What Mr . . Akai was looking at , was none other than old man Tsune , don 't you think so ? " " The old man was digging around his flower bed , right ? But there are no flowers there now , nor is it the season to plant seeds . Why would he be digging around the flower bed ? It 's natural to think he was doing something else . " " Think about it . The old man was sitting that night in a strange place in the study . And he was digging the next morning . Connect these two points and only one conclusion can be made . The old man has hidden something . What he 's hidden , or why he has hidden it , I don 't know . But I think we can assume old man Tsune had to hide that . He sat down to hide the thing between his knees . And if the old man would have wanted to hide something , then the place closest to the kitchen and the most normal - looking place , would be the flower bed . Because it would seem like he was working on the flower bed . And I want to ask you , will you go to my house now , dig around the flower bed and bring me that object ? You should know where to dig if you look at the color of the dirt . " " I 'll go . You just said this wasn 't the work of just some thief , but the work of a devil , right . Do you have some evidence for that ? And what I don 't understand , is the vase I just threw . Won 't you explain before I go ? " " No , this is still all just an idea of mine . But if my ideas are right , please remember that beneath the surface of this case , a horrible crime is hiding . Because of that , an ill man like me is making such a fuzz . " When I arrived at the Yuuki mansion , it was already dusk . The major - general wasn 't home , so I said my greetings to the house boy and when he didn 't look , I sneaked into the garden . And if I were to tell you the results of me digging around the flower bed , well , Hirokazu 's deduction was right . I found something strange . It was an old aluminium glasses case and it had certainly only been buried recently . I showed it to a woman servant when Tsune didn 't look and when I asked whether she knew who the owner was , she surprisingly said it was the case for Tsune 's reading glasses . It had a mark on it , so the servant was quite sure . Tsune had hidden one of his own possesions . That was strange . Even if it had been left at the crime scene , as it was old man Tsune 's possession , he could have just kept using it and not buried it in the flower bed . If something he used everyday suddenly had disappeared , wouldn 't that be more suspicious ? No matter how much I thought about it , I couldn 't comprehend it , so I decided to go back to the hospital with it so I made the servant swear silence and I left the mansion , but then I encountered another strange sight . The sun had already set by that time and had become as dark , so I had to pay attention to every step . The shutters of the mansion had all been shut and the owner was gone , and there was no light from the annex either . In that gloomy garden , a shadow came walking towards me . When he came closer , I saw it was Mr . Akai , wearing a shirt . What was he doing in this mansion at this late an hour , when the owner was gone ? When he saw me , he was surprised and stopped in his steps , but what was this ? He was just wearing a shirt , on his bare feet and he was muddy and drenched from the waist down . It didn 't take long for me to get back to Hirokazu 's room . His mother was going back home and sitting near him was a nurse looking bored . When he saw me , he sent the nurse away . " This is it . It was buried there , just like you deduced , " I said and placed the case on his bed . Hirokazu took a look at it and appeared very surprised . Hirokazu didn 't answer my question and muttered very agitated words to himself . He knew who the criminal was . Who was this " he " person ? And just when I tried to ask him that , we heard a knock on the door . It was Chief Inspector Hatano who had come for a visit . He had come several times ever since Hirokazu was admitted in the hospital . He was thinking more of the Yuuki family than was actually expected from his profession . Was this all connected to Kotono Saemon ? The reader still remembers it right ? The scene of the ever mysterious Mr . Akai leaving Kotono Saemon 's house completely covered in gold . " His son Mitsuo has some kind of mental illness . He is usually locked up in a single room and hardly gets out , so you probably don 't know him . I have only learned of him today . " " Yes . We have already arrested him and the questioning has already been conducted . He seems a bit crazy and has confessed in a real way yet , but he has a very rare mania . It 's called gold mania . He is extremely attracted to gold - colored objects . I was surprised when I saw his room . The whole room was gold , like some Buddhist hall . Whether it 's plated , brass powder or just foil , he doesn 't care for its value , as long it 's gold - colored , from a frame to gold paper and even filling paper , he just collects everything indiscriminately . " " Of course . Leaving money bills and only stealing golden objects of no value , even a fountain pen , that can 't be explained by any sane reason . I thought the case was a bit mad from the start , and it was indeed a kind of mania . Gold mania . It fits perfectly , doesn 't it ? " " And did you find the stolen objects ? " Somehow the words of Hirokazu seemed to carry a strange sarcastic tone . " Well , not yet . We have looked , but they weren 't in his room . But he is a madman , so who know what kind of strange place he has hidden it . But we are planning to make a thorough search . " " And have you already confirmed he had escaped from his room the night of the incident ? Didn 't his family notice ? " Hirokazu kept piling up the questions and Mr . Hatano didn 't seem to like that . " I see , I see . " Hirokazu was getting more sarcastic . " By the way , about those footprints . How do you explain the footprints starting and ending at the well ? I think that 's quite important . " " It seems like I am the one being questioned . " The chief inspector looked at me and smiled openheartedly , but he seemd to be quite angry from the inside . " You don 't have to worry about that . The police and the courts have their methods for that . " " So you haven 't any real evidence yet . Only the coincidence that gold mania is consistent with the stolen golden objects , " Hirokazu said witout any hesitation . I was standing next to him , quite nervous . " What ? " The Chief Inspector was taken aback , but he couldn 't help but ask . " Do you have evidence ? You shouldn 't say things so easily without any evidence ! " " Utter nonsense ! You have been here ever since the incident , so how could you have found any evidence ? You 're still not fully recovered . You 're just delirous . A dream caused by narcotics . " " Hahahaha , you are just scared . You are scared to see your mistake confirmed . " Hirokazu finally made Mr . Hatano angry . Being said that , even if the person was young , even if he was a patient , he couldn 't just let that go . He sat down with a loud crash on a chair . " Let 's hear it then . Who do you think the criminal is ? " Hatano looked quite arrogant . But Hirokazu didn 't answer him . In order to collect his thoughts , he looked at the ceiling and closed his eyes . He had told me earlier he knew a person who would easily fall under suspicion , but that he wasn 't the culprit . That had to be Kotono Mitsuo with his gold mania . And indeed , he was a very easy suspect . But if he wasn 't the culprit , who was it that Hirokazu had in his mind as the culprit ? Would he say there was someone else with gold mania ? Maybe that person was Mr Akai ? Ever since the incident , Mr Akai 's behaviour has been very strange . And he had even left Kotono Saemon 's house covered in gold fragments . Maybe that 's another kind of " gold mania " . But when I had gone to the Yuuki mansion to search through the flower bed , Hirokazu had said something strange . " Look for the woman . " A phrase he had said in German . That might mean " a woman " might be behind this case . But the first woman who came to my mind was Shimako , and how could she be connected to the case ? Now I think about it , the footprints were pointed inwards , like a woman . And right after the gunshot , the cat Hisamatsu had jumped out of the study . That Hisamatsu was Shimako 's favorite . So was she . . . ? No way , no way . And there was another suspicious person . The old man Tsune . His glasses case was at the crime scene and he had buried it in his flower bed on purpose . " Kotono 's son may have gotten outside without anyone of the family knowing . But , no matter how mad you say he is , he can 't walk around without leaving footprints . Explaining the footprints that disappeared at the well , that is what makes this case , it 's the fundamental problem . To just ignore that problem and try to find the culprit , that 's a stupid act . " Saying that , Hirokazu paused a bit to catch his breath . Maybe his wound hurt , but he was looking painful . The Chief Inspector was feeling a bit cornered by his logical argument and his confidence , so he waited for Hirokazu to continue . " And Matsumura here , " Hirokazu continued , " he has come up with quite an interesting deduction . I don 't know whether you know , but there were dog tracks on the other side of the well . It seems those tracks continue from where the footprints stop and go all the way up to the road , but , what if the culprit had made some things shaped like a dogs paw that he put on while crawling , so he deduced . This is quite an interesting deduction , but unrealistic . You ask why ? " he turned to me , " If the culprit had already come up the trick with the dog prints , why would he have left his real foot prints to the well ? Then his great plan would go to waste . Not even a madman would only leave dog tracks only half of the way . Anyway , a madman wouldn 't even came up with such a trick . So it 's too bad , but this hypothesis is rejected . So the problem of the footprints remains . By the way , Mr . Hatano , do you have your notebook with the map you showed me last time ? I think the key to solving the mystery of the footprints is hidden there . " " Please look at this . I just told this to Matsumura , there is an unnatural large distance between the foot tracks coming and leaving . Do you think that a criminal who was hurrying , would take such a roundabout way ? And it 's also very unnatural that the footprints don 't overlap each other . Do you see what I mean ? These two unnatural points tell us one thing . The criminal had to be careful and take a roundabout way , as to avoid stepping on his own footsteps in the dark . " " I see , it is strange the steps don 't overlap each other . Maybe it was done on purpose like you say . But what does that mean ? " Chief Inspector Hatano asked a stupid question . Looking irritated , Hirokazu said : " You don 't see ? You 're stuck in a psychological trap that 's hard to get out of . You stubbornly hold to the wrong idea of thinking the set of steps close to each other is the one going , and the set with wide steps was made while running away , thus thinking the steps started at the well and ended there . " " No , that 's not possible , " the chief inspector became excited . " I 'll just say it , but there is a big fault in your hypothesis . If the thief was prepared so well , why didn 't he walk all the way to the road ? If his tracks stopped halfway , then this trick would be useless . Why would the thief just stop halfway through his trick ? Can you explain that ? " " No , that 's not what I 'm saying . The culprit thought he didn 't have to make any prints any more beyond the well . It 's a funny little mistake . You wouldn 't know , but until one or two days before the incident , old wood had been placed on the ground beyond the well , for almost a month . The criminal made the mistake because he was used to seeing that . He didn 't know the wood had been moved and thought he wouldn 't have to leave any footprints there , thinking the wood was lying there , and if there was wood , the criminal would have walked on top of that and wouldn 't have left prints . So he just made a mistake in the darkness . Maybe the criminal had bumped into the well and thought it was the wood . " Ah , what a surprisingly simple and clear explanation ! Even I had seen the pile of old wood . No , I hadn 't only seen it , Mr . Akai even told me about it the other day implying its importance . Hirokazu was able to explain it , while I couldn 't . " If we assume the footprints are fake , and as long as the culprit didn 't fly away , we 'll have to also assume that he was inside the mansion , " Hirokazu continued his deduction . " Secondly , why did the thief only pay attention to golden objects ? This is actually really interesting . This is probably because the thief knew Kotono Mitsuo has gold mania , and he wanted to make it look the work of that madman . He made the footprints for the same reason . But he had another reason . Related to the size and weight of the golden objects . " " It wouldn 't be strange if the thief had stolen the golden objects that were valuable . But they are all also small and quite heavy . The thief made it seem like he had taken them with him , but aren 't the things actually just perfect to throw into the pond ? Matsumura , you just threw the vase outside , but you know , that vase was about the same weight as the stolen table clock and I wanted to know how far you could throw it . So the stolen objects are somewhere at the bottom of the pond . " " But why would the thief take the trouble to do so ? You say it was to make it seem like the work of a thief , what was made to look like the work of a thief ? Nothing has been stolen besides the golden objects . Do you mean that gold wasn 't the thief 's aim ? " the Chief Inspector said . " Please wait . If you ask me why I think so , well , at that time , the thief had no need to fire a gun at me . If he had hidden himself in the darkness and ran away , he would have gotten away easily . Most thieves with guns only use it to scare people and they seldom fire them , right ? And stealing gold and then killing someone , that 's not the way of a thief . Theft and murder are two totally different crimes . My suspicion started from this point . The suspicion that this was made to look like theft , but that the actual aim was murder . " " It 's just a simple mathematic problem . . . I wasn 't suspecting someone from the start . I just looked at my data logically and arrived at the obvious conclusion . If you will investigate at the crime scene , you can confirm whether this conclusion is correct or not . Like whether the objects are at the bottom of the pond . Arithmetics is just the simple fact that two minus one equals one . You might call it too simple . " Hirokazu continued . " If the only tracks in the garden were fake , then the thief must have headed back to the mansion through the hallway . But at the time the gun was fired , Kouta was walking through the halllway . As you know , the hallway goes straight to the annex and is also lighted . It would be impossible to avoid Kouta 's sight and sneak away . And you have also examined Shimako 's room immediately , but there was no place to hide there . Going by this logic , the criminal can 't exist . " " I have of course noticed that . The thief couldn 't have ran to the mansion . Therefore , the thief had to be outside , " the Chief Inspector said . " The thief was neither in - or outside . So that leaves only the victim , me , and the first one on the scene , Kouta . But the victim can 't be the culprit . There is no one in this world so stupid as to fire a gun at himself . Therefore only Kouta remains . The mathematical problem of two minus one . If you subtract one victim from two persons , then only the assailant remains . " " Yes . We have been fooled . One person has been hiding in a blind spot . He had a strange invisible mantle , the mantle of being a close friend to the victim and the first one on the crime scene . " " That 's the point . I don 't want to make my friend out to be the culprit either . But if I don 't talk , the innocent madman will be blamed for the crime . And Kouta isn 't that good a person we think is anyway . Just look at his handiwork . He was done everything treacherously and cunningly . Not someone a sane person would come up with . He 's a devil . This was the devil 's work . " " He was the only one who could have done it . Isn 't that the best evidence ? But if you want it , there is other evidence too . Matsumura , can you remember Kouta 's gait ? " " There 's your evidence . But there is better evidence , " Hirokazu said , and he took out the glasses case from under the sheat and gave it to the Chief Inspector , and said after he had told him the details of old man Tsune hiding it . " This used to be old man Tsune 's . But if he was the culprit , he wouldn 't have needed to bury it in the flower bed . He could have just used it while playing innocent . Nobody wouldn 't known the case had been found at the crime scene . The fact he hid it , proves he is not the culprit . But why did he hide it ? There a reason for that . Why didn 't you notice it , Matsumura ? Even though we went to the beach every day . . . " Hirokazu had explained till that point when it hit me . Kouta had been wearing glasses lastely , but he had brought a glasses case with him to the Yuuki mansion . He normally didn 't need a case , but without that , finding a safe place to leave his glasses while swimming is troublesome . Old man Tsune saw this and lent the case for his reading glasses to Kouta . This fact ( I had carelessly failed to notice ) , was well known not only to Hirokazu , but also to Shimako and even the servants at the Yuuki mansion . So Tsune had found the case at the crime scene and taken aback , had hidden it to protect Kouta . If you ask why Tsune had lent his case to Kouta and protected him , well , he has had a lot of help in the past from Kouta 's father and Tsuna was also hired at the Yuuki mansion thanks to his introduction . So he was quite fond of the son of his benefactor . I had known this for quite some time . " But isn 't it strange Tsune would have suspected Kouta that fast just because of a case lying around ? Isn 't that a bit strange ? " As could be expected , Mr . Hatano quickly retorted . To make it short , there had been a love triangle between Hirokazu , Shimako and Kouta . A battle had been fought for a long time now in the darkness for the beautiful Shimako . Like I said at the beginning of the story , the two of them were closer to each other than I was . That is because the father of Yuuki is an old friend of Kouta 's father and that 's why I hadn 't noticed the hard fight between the two of them . I had known that Hirokazu was engaged to Shimako and that Kouta had definately had feelings for her , but that he had become so desperate as to kill his opponent , I wouldn 't have thought that even in my dreams . Hirokazu said : " It 's an embarrassing story , but when nobody was around , we would have arguments over all sorts of trifle stuff , without actually addressing the real point , we even had a small fight like children do . While we were rolling in the mud , we would cry out in our hearts ' Shimako is mine ! ' . But it was the fault of Shimako and her ambigious stance . She never showed any sign of really disapproving the love of either of us . That 's probably why Kouta decided to kill me , who had a very big advantage being Shimako 's fiance . Old Man Tsune knew about this hostility between the two of us . We even had a fight in the garden the day of the incident . Tsune probably heard that . Being a loyal retainer , he understood the frightful meaning the case held when he found it . Kouta hardly ever went into that study and as he said that after he had heard gunshot , he saw me lying from the doorway and immediately ran back to the mansion , he couldn 't have left that glasses case all the way in the back of the room . " It had all become clear . Against Hirokazu 's logical deduction , not even the formidable Chief Inspector Hatano could object . The only thing left to do was to check whether the stolen objects were at the bottom of the pond . A bit later and quite by coincidence , a call came from the police station for the chief inspector , with good news . That night a man had recoverd and delivered the stolen objects from the bottom of the pond . There had been at the bottom of the pond , besides the golden objects , also a gun , shoes for the fake footprints and even a tool to cut glass . And the reader can probably guess , but the person who had found these objects was of course Mr . Akai . That night when he was covered in mud in the garden of the Yuuki mansion , he hadn 't fallen into the pond , but he had gone in to get the items . I had suspected him of being the assailant , but that had been a grave mistake , he actually seemed to be a great detective . When I told him that , Hirokazu said the following . " Yes , I had suspected so since the beginning . Observing Old Man Tsune burying the case , coming out of the house Kotono Mitsuo covered in gold : he was detecting . His movements have been a great help to my deductions . The fact we found this glasses case is all thanks to Mr . Akai . When you just told me the story of Mr . Akai falling into the pond , I was quite surprised he had already gotten that far . " Well , the following facts I didn 't hear directly myself , but to tell you everything in order , among the objects from the pond , a golden ashtray had been tied to the shoes using a handkerchief , probably fearing the shoes would float . That handkerchief turned out to be Kouta 's handkerchief . At least , the initials S . K . had been written in ink in the corner of the handkerchief . He probably hadn 't guessed the items would be recovered from the pond and he hadn 't thought about his own initials on the handkerchief . I probably don 't have to tell you that Kouta Shintarou was arrested the next day on suspicion of attempted murder . But he seemed calm and quite determined . No matter how much they questioned him , he didn 't confess truth . When he was asked where he was just before the attack , he would just keep silent . So he didn 't have an alibi until the moment the gun was fired . He had first said he had gone out to the hallway to cool his head off , but the testimony of the Yuuki house boy quickly took care of that . One of the servants had been in a room facing the hallway and he said that only Mr . Akai really had gone off to buy cigarettes . But no matter how stubborn Kouta was , there was just too much evidence against him . And he didn 't have an alibi . He was of course prosecuted and the case was accepted into the court . The case is still in pendant . About a week after that , I visited the Yuuki family . It was because I had received a message Hirokazu had finally left the hospital . A gloomy air was still hanging around the mansion . But that wasn 't strange , as even though he had left the hospital , the Yuuki 's family only son Hirokazu had become a cripple . His father the major general and his mother each told me their pains in their own way . Shimako had it quite hard . But Hirokazu 's mother told she had been very caring to her handicapped son , like a nice wife . Hirokazu looked unexpectedly good , like he had forgotten the bloody crime and told me about a plan for a novel . And Mr . Akai came in the evening . I felt bad I had suspected him , so I tried to talk to him more than I used to do . Hirokazu also seemed pleased with the visit of the amateur detective . After dinner , we invited Shimako and went for a walk to the beach with the four of us . " Crutches are actually handy , you know . Look , I can even walk like this ! " Hirokazu turned up the sleaves of his yukata and flew away in a strange way . Tok . Tok . Every time his new crutches hit the ground , they made a knocking sound . The freshman cripple seemed to enjoy walking like a child who has started doing that . While we were making jokes , we walked on a small road in the night , with a cold beach wind blowing at us . Halfway the road , when our talk had ended and the four of us fell silent , Mr . Akai suddenly began to laugh as if he had just remembered something . It seemed to be extremely funny and he just couldn 't stop laughing . " It 's just a trifle point , " Akai answered while laughing , " You know , I just thought the human foot is a strange thing . A short man has small feet right ? But you know , I now know there are people of small builds , with big feet . Isn 't that hilarious ? Someone with big feet ? " Mr . Akai said and began laughing again . Shimako just said " I see " out of politeness and smiled at him , but she of course didn 't see what was so hilarious . The things Mr . Akai said were quite absurd . A peculiar man . Yuigahama at night was like a festival and very lively . On the stage at the beach , kagura - like dances started . A large crowd had gathered . Around the stage , a city of small stands had been set up . Cafes , restaurants , haberdasheries and fruit stalls . Hundreds of lights , gramophone music and girls wearing heavy make up . We sat down at a cheerful looking cafe and while we had something cool to drink , Mr . Akai once again ignored all common sense and did something strange . He said he had cut his finger on some glass the other day at the pond and had put bandages on it . But his bandages had loosened at the cafe , so he tried to tie it again using his mouth , but he had troubles with it . In the end , a talk about detective stories between Mr . Akai and Hirokazu started . The two had accomplished an extraordinary feat in this case by outsmarting the police , so it became quite a lively talk . And as the story progressed , they started , like always , to speak ill of real and fictional detectives from all over the world . And of course the protagonist of " The Akechi Kogorou Detective Stories " , whom Hirokazu seemed to consider a foe , war harshly criticized . " That man you know , he hasn 't handled a case with a really smart criminal yet . You can 't call him a great detective if he 's just catching your ordinary run - of - the - mill criminals , right ? " Hirokazu said . Even after we had left the cafe , the talk about detectives just didn 't seem to end . And we naturally ended up in two groups and Shimako and I had overtaken the two who were concentrating on their talk and were way ahead . Shimako was walking at the abandoned water 's shore while singing merrily . I sang along with the songs I knew . The moon had changed in silvery dust dancing on top of the water and the cold beach wind blew our singing voices all the way to the pine wood . " Let 's give them a scare , " Shimako suddenly sprang up and whispered that mischievously to me . I looked back and the two amateur detectives were still caught up in their talk and about one block behind us . As Shimako pointed at the big dune besides us and started to push me there , I gave in and like two kids playing hide and seek , we hid ourselves in the shadow of the dune . " Where have they gone off to ? " After a while , the footsteps of the two came closer and we heard Hirokazu 's voice . He hadn 't noticed we had hidden ourselves . " I doubt they have become lost . Let 's take a rest now . Using crutches on sand seems tiresome , " So the voice of Mr . Akai said , and it seemed like the two sat down . Chance had it we were sitting around the same dune , with our backs to each other . It was Mr . Akai 's voice . We had been standing ready to jump out and scream at them , but we sat down again . While it was wrong to eavesdrop , it was already too late to jump out at this time . " Do you really believe Kouta is the culprit ? " We heard Mr . Akai 's grave voice . What was he saying now ? But for some reason I just had to listen to his voice . " It 's not a question of believing or not believing . There were only two persons near the crime scene and if one of them is the victim , the other has to be the culprit . And there is ample evidence with the handkerchief and the glasses case . Do you think there are some unclear points remaning ? " " You know , Kouta actually has made a statement , I heard it from a judge I got to know through a certain case and this hasn 't been made public yet . At the time Kouta heard the gunshot , he said he was in the hallway and that he had gone out to cool off , but that 's all a lie . So why did he lie ? At that time , he was doing something even more embarrassing than theft . . . He was peaking in Shimako 's diary . And that seems to fit . He had left the diary lying open on the desk when he was surprised by the gunshot and ran outside . If not , he would have of course placed the diary back into the drawer after reading it . That 's why I think Kouta was really surprised by the gunshot . And therefore he didn 't fire it . " " Can 't you guess ? He wanted to know the real feelings of his love Shimako . He thought he might find out by reading the diary . You know how frustrated poor Kouta was . " " By the way , while there is a lot of evidence against him , I think there is a lot of evidence in his favor too . Firstly , if he wanted to kill you , why did he call out for people without checking whether you were actually dead ? Even if he was agitated , such an action does not seem to fit with the wiles that came up with the scheme to plant those fake footprints in advance . Secondly , supposing he had placed the fake footprints , why would someone smart enough to avoid stepping on his own steps to make his steps coming and going look reversed , just leave prints with his own gait of toes pointing inwards , that 's just hard to believe . " Mr . Akai 's continued : " Simply put , killing someone is just the movement of shooting a gun , but if you think about it carefully , it consists of thousands of small actions . More if you want to deceive people by placing the blame on someone else . Even in this case , a glasses case , shoes , fake footprints , the diary lying opened on the desk , the golden objects from the bottom of the pond , if only we pick out the larger elements , we have around ten of them , and if we concentrate at every single effort of the criminal , we can see thousand of small actions within those . And the detective can , like with a film , look at every single frame , one by one , and begin his deductions from those small actions . And no matter how smart and prepared the criminal is , he can 't escape his punishment in the end . But such a deduction is impossible for the human mind , so we can only hope to stumble upon the most important scene of the crime . And with that in mind . . . I have done this so many times since my youth , and it has grown into a sort of habit , but I always pay attention to whether a person starts walking with his right foot or his left foot , whether a man wrings a towel with his right or left hand , whether a man first pulls his right or his left arm when putting on clothes , to all these kinds of small points . These might seem trifle , but these can be quite decisive elements when applied to a criminal investigation . Well , my third argument in favor of Kouta is the knot of the handkerchief used to tie the weighty ashtray to the shoes . I had taken the knot from it without loosening the knot and gave it like that to Chief Inspector Hatano . Because I thought it would prove to be valuable evidence . And if you ask me what kind of knot it was , where I come from we usually call it a standing knot , with the two ends beneath the knot standing like a cross , a knot kids often tie as a mistake . Among adults , very few people make such a knot . They couldn 't make it even if they tried . Then I went immediately went to Kouta 's home and asked his motherMr Akai stopped his story for a second . Hirokazu said nothing . He was probably looking intently at Mr Akai . The two of us were also very caught up in our eavesdropping . Especially Shimako was breathing heavily and her body even shook a bit . The sensitive girl had probably already understood the horrible truth . " And the fourth and most important argument in favor of him , hahahahaha , it 's really hilarious . You know , those shoes , there was something really wrong with them . The shoes from the bottom of the pond do match the footprints on the ground . That 's certain . The rubber soles don 't shrink even if they are wet , so we know what the original form was . I measured the shoe size just to be sure and they were about 10 mon size . But you know . . . " , said Mr . Akai and he stopped again for a second . He seemed he was pleased to say the following words . " You know , " Mr . Akai continued laughing , " the funny thing is , those shoes are too small for Kouta 's feet and don 't fit at all . When I went to Kouta 's home for the handkerchief business , I asked his mother , and she said that last winter Kouta was wearing shoes of 11 mon . And so Kouta 's innocence is certain . Because shoes that don 't fit can 't be disadvantegous to you . Why go all the trouble to attach a weight and sink them ? It seems that the police and court have not found out this hilarious truth yet . It is just too stupid a mistake . They might find out if they continue their investigation . But if they don 't let the suspect try out the shoes , nobody might find out . His mother told me that Kouta has unusual large feet for his build . That is the source of the mistake . We might suppose that the real criminal is someone slightly bigger than Kouta . Because he had worked from his own shoe size and thought that the smaller Kouta couldn 't possibly have a larger shoe size , he made this unbelievable funny mistake . " " Hahahaha , don 't scare me like that . Please stop with the jokes . Who on Earth would throw his father 's precious objects in a pond , or shoot himself ? Enough with the jokes , " Hirokazu denied vehemently . " It 's very clear . To borrow your words , it 's nothing more than a simple problem of mathematics . Two minus one is one . If among two persons , Kouta isn 't the culprit , then no matter how strange it must seem , the remaining person must be the culprit . Look at the knot of your own bandages . The ends of the knot are standing . You have been using this mistaken knot ever since you were a child up until now . But this point only is not very strong . This knot might be different because you were tying it from the back . But you were so kind to tie my bandage when I asked you and behold . It 's the mistaken knot with a cross . Wouldn 't you think this a strong piece of evidence ? " Mr . Akai said with a low voice and still quite polite . That made it feel a bit strange . " But for what reason did I inflict such a wound on myself ? I am a coward and quite vain . I wouldn 't do something stupid like inflicting such pain on myself and becoming a cripple for the rest of my life just to see Kouta fall . There have to be other ways to do that . " Hirokazu 's voice seemed determined . He was right , no matter how much he might have hated Kouta , Hirokazu wouldn 't risk his own life for that . The victim is the assailant , what kind of stupid story is that ? Mr . Akai has made a ridiculous mistake . " Yes , exactly that , that unbelievable point , that is what this crime has been hiding . Everybody has been mesmerized by this case . They have all made a fundamental mistake . They believed that " the victim can 't be the culprit . " And it is also a big mistake to just think this was just a crime to get Kouta convicted innocently . That was just a nice extra . " Mr . Akai continued slowly and politely , " It was a well planned crime . But it wasn 't the plan of a real criminal , but the idea of a writer . You . You were all caught up in playing three roles yourself , the victim , assailant and the detective . You were also the one who stole Kouta 's glasses case and left at the crime scene . And of course , you were the one who had thrown the objects in the pond , who had cut the window glass and who had made the fake footprints . With that prepared , you made use of the fact that Kouta was reading Shimako 's diary in the room next to the study ( you probably suggested the idea of reading it to him ) . You lifted your hand with the pistol up high as to leave no powder burns and shot at the farthest away point , your ankle . You had guessed correctly that Kouta would come running to you from the other room . You had also foreseen that Kouta wouldn 't be able to produce an alibi as he would have been ashamed for reading his love interest 's diary and this would make him an easy suspect . After you had shot yourself , you bit through the pain of the wound and threw the last piece of evidence , the gun , through the open window into the pond . The fact your feet were pointing towards the window and the lake when you fell down , is evidence for that . This is also clear from Mr Hatano 's map . And after all this had happened , you fell down unconcious . Or maybe you just pretended to be so . A shot in your ankle is not a small wound , but not a life - threatening one either . It was just the right wound for your goal . " " Hahahahaha . I see , I see , it does all make sense , " Hirokazu 's voice sounded a bit shrill . " But would I really want to become a cripple just to accomplish that , that 's a bit strange , isn 't it . You might have all kinds of evidence , but regarding this one point you 'll have to acquit me . " " Didn 't I just tell you ? Having Kouta taking the fall for the crime was indeed one of your goals . But the real goal was something else . You just said you were a coward . That is indeed so . You shot yourself because you are a great coward . Aaah , you are trying to deceive me again , aren 't you , thinking I don 't know . Well , I 'll tell you . You are terribly afraid for the army . You made it through the conscription examination and you 'll serve from next year on . You tried to avoid that at all costs . I found out you wore glasses as a student pretending you had bad eyes . And by reading your novels , I found out that the author is terribly afraid of the army . And you are the son of a military man . You were afraid some short - term method of getting out of it would be discovered after a while . You rejected cliche ways like inflicting wounds on your own body or cutting off your own fingers and chose a radical method . But it was a plan with which you kill two birds with one stone . What 's wrong ? Keep a hold on yourself . I still have something to tell you . I thought you were going to faint . Please keep a hold on yourself . I have no intention of presenting you to the police . I just wanted to see whether my deductions were right . But you can 't keep silent like this forever . And you have already received the worst punishment you can get . Behind us , behind this dune , the woman who you didn 't want to hear this the most , has heard everything just now . Well , I 'll get going now . You need some time to think by yourself . But before I leave , I 'll tell you my real name . I am that Akechi Kogorou you have been making fun of . I had been visiting your house , because your father had hired me to investigate a theft of military secrets . You said that Akechi Kogorou was nothing more than deductions . But I think you now understand that I am more than just fiction . . . Farewell . " I write about ( mostly Japanese ) detective fiction ( in any medium ) , food and stuff . Author of the introduction to EDOGAWA Rampo 's " The Fiend With Twenty Faces " . Translator of AYATSUJI Yukito 's ' The Decagon House Murders " , ARISUGAWA Alice 's " The Moai Island Puzzle " , ŌSAKA Keikichi 's " The Ginza Ghost " , NORIZUKI Rintarō 's ' The Lure of the Green Door ' and more . Twitter : @ tantei _ kid |
For weeks now I have been dreading my son 's birthday party . For years now before every birthday party for the kids my worse half has complained about how much I spend on the parties and has picked fights with me before the party so he can storm off and leave me to set up the party by myself . This time I have tried to alter my party preparations hoping that maybe this party could be different . I have been spending my own personal money on party decorations and prizes for games . My birthday just passed and I used money I was given for my birthday to get ready for his party . Money that he gave me I used for what I needed but any extra I used to get items for his party . Little by little I got what I needed and he either didn 't notice or he didn 't care . My son wanted a Halloween themed party and I was going to make it a good one . I have been cleaning the house all last week . Getting furniture rearranged to accommodate 12 - 16 guests . He was actually helping and I thought that maybe this party would be different . I told him all I needed was the cake , pizza fixings , snacks and drinks . Then P and I went to the store so he could pick out a cake . Usually the cake cost almost $ 30 . 00 , this is a usual cost and not a surprise . We went to the bakery and he picked out a made cake from their display that was only $ 10 . 00 . I picked up a few other things I needed candles , drinks , some chips and went home . I was thrilled that he picked out a cake that saved us $ 20 . 00 . When I got home and told him how much I spent he screamed at me . Once again he accused me of being reckless and I was over spending on the party . In his eyes I had spent $ 40 . 00 on the party so far and he thought that once again I was over spending . I cringed knowing I still needed the pizza makings and toilet paper for a game . I made a list of what I needed and asked if he would go get them . I thought if he went to the store and saw how much things cost and could make the rest of the shopping decisions then he would go easier on me . He came home and still continued to yell at me . Still we managed to set up for the party and the party was underway . Finally most of the guest had left and Grandma ( my Mom ) finally arrived . She wanted to miss most of the chaos , very smart , It turns out 12 children ages 6 - 14 can get pretty loud . P could finally open her gift . This was a special gift that I had arranged . I wanted to give it to him myself but with my husband so tight with money I couldn 't chance it . I asked my mom to give it to him and she agreed . P for years has been asking for a Mexican Red Knee Tarantula and I finally found him one at a price that wasn 't too expensive . He opened the gift bag and screamed with delight . He finally has the tarantula that he has wanted for so long and the party was over . His friends went home and Grandma left too . Now I can breath and hope that the next birthday party I throw for the kids will be in a new home with one parent hosting and the other parent as a guest . He was just offered a better job . This has him starting later at night and means he will be here for the kids bedtime which thrills the kids . They miss their Daddy , and love when he is around for bedtime . This is going to be a huge adjustment for me . I have been doing this on my own for over a year now . He also will be here for homework , another adjustment . I turn the tv off so they can focus on homework better . The tv stays off until they are in bed and falling asleep . This is how it has been for over a year now . He is a tv junkie , more than me . If we are home for just a minute or two he has to turn the tv on . Yes it frustrates me . Tonight he called into his current job because he has personal days to use up before he leaves . I tried not to focus on him throwing off the routine . Instead I thought of it as a practice run for when he is home for prime time in just a few weeks . He went on an errand for me so he wasn 't here when homework started . My son did his homework no problem , but couldn 't find his book for the rest of it . I am trying to get him to learn how to look for things better so I am having him look for him things for a while before I start ( and usually find it ) . I don 't know if Daddy being home was the issue or if he just was out of sorts but he refused to look . He cried and complained when I tried to get him to do it . When Daddy came home it was like a circus . The kids want the bean bag toss game daddy brought home , it needs to be assembled . My son still hasn 't found his book and when I walk by a table I saw it clearly on top , nothing covering it . Everything was getting louder , each child talks over the other one . Daddy wants to watch the hockey game and I want the tv off . He finally decides to go out to buy pop . I was overwhelmed . My routine was off and my son was crying because now that I found his book I wanted him to finish his homework . He thought he would have the night off of reading because he couldn 't find it . But my daughter had gone to bed . I promised her I would have Daddy go upstairs to wish her a good night when he came home . Daddy came home and went upstairs . The upstairs tv is in the same room that B sleeps in . He didn 't come back down and then I hear him cheering on something the hockey team is doing . So he is watching hockey in the same room as our daughter is supposed to be going to sleep in . P is finally reading but constantly asking me how much longer he needs to read . Finally P finishes his reading for the night , he goes to bed and daddy comes downstairs . I tried to talk to him to explain why it wasn 't a good idea to watch tv in the same room that our children are sleeping in . He just watched the hockey game and said nothing . Nothing infuriates me more than when I am trying to calmly talk to him about something and to have him blatantly ignore me . He stared at the tv , and said nothing . He gave no indication that he even was aware that I was speaking . I got his attention , he told me he ignored me because he was going to get yelled at either way it was easier for him to just watch the game . His hockey his the focus of his life , he will find a way to watch the game if he isn 't working . Tonight he kept our daughter awake so he could watch his precious game . When we were dating I didn 't mind the hockey , now 16 years later I HATE the game . Not because it is a sport , but because it is a higher priority to him than his family . We started to yell , I let him get to me and I was upset . Then he stormed out calling me a bitch . When he comes home he will tell me how horrible I was and take no responsibility for the argument . In his eyes he did nothing wrong tonight . No one thing he did was wrong . It was little things added to little things and it was how I dealt with it too . But we can 't work on fixing it if he just keeps running away . What is it going to be like when he is home every night of the week again ? How am I going to handle it ? I 'm sure we will establish another routine , but the adjustment period is going to be rough if tonight is any indication . It also doesn 't help that this is occurring during hockey season . He will see that as as a priority over bedtime and homework . I did remind him that I have been asking him to move in our extra tv from the garage since we moved here . That just made him swear at me because I guess I shouldn 't nag him about it even if he hasn 't done it in 18 months . Oh and he still hasn 't taken out the last two air conditioners after I dropped the one out of the upstairs window . I thought a tv in the basement would be a good solution . He could be down there and watch his hockey and I could attempt to keep the routine with the kids . So the surprise dry run of his new hours was a huge FAIL tonight . I hope we can get it together and get through this shift in his schedule . Where is calgon when I need it ? The day started off unusual . I was enjoying sleeping in when I heard my daughter 's gleeful voice , " Mommy , Mommy , open your eyes Mommy ! ! ! ! " So I did . She runs into my room bubbling with excitement . She is almost bouncing and then in walks my husband carrying a bouquet of flowers . Honestly my first thought was what did he do ? In our 14 year marriage he has only bought me flowers maybe three or four times . I 'm honestly not a lover of cut flowers , but I have to admit that they are pretty . This bouquet was all pink so I suspect that my daughter had something to do with it . Still for him to buy me a gift for no reason is almost unheard of . Why now ? I don 't know , but I 'll take it . Anytime he does something nice for me is a welcome surprise . My mom took me out shopping for my birthday . I had a choice to be responsible and let her get me clothes for subbing or going shopping and spend the money on things I normally wouldn 't have the opportunity to buy . I did think about it for a couple days and I chose to have fun and shop . I still have the clothes I student taught in and I am sure they will be just as good for subbing . We spent the early afternoon shopping and talking and it was really nice . I really enjoy shopping without my family sometimes . Okay most of the time with my husband . He is not fun to shop with . His goal is to spend no money and get out of the store as fast as possible . This is usually opposite of my goal . Not that I go out of my way to spend money , but I accept that money is designed to be spent . While I do try to keep cost down , I accept that in order to function money will have to spent and things will have to bought . I even left the stores with money left over , that 's right ! I bought some decorations for Thanksgiving . I hosted Thanksgiving Dinner last year and did such a wonderful job that I get to host it again this year . I told my mom , with a smile on my face , if I had know that last year I wouldn 't have tried so hard . Then I came home and checked Facebook . I thought I might have found a friend from long ago and I did . He had messaged me back and we started catching up on Facebook . That lasted for a few minutes then I gave him my phone number and he called . When I heard his voice it brought back so many memories from when I lived in Kentucky . We were neighbors and became fast friends . So many nights we stayed up late and talked and dreamed . It is funny how some memories can be so clear after almost twenty years that it almost seems like they happened just last week . Talking with him was just as easy as it was . Ever since I moved away I had wondered about him . We met before internet was an everyday tool . I am not a good letter writer , actually I have no trouble writing the letters , it is getting them to the post office and mailing them that I have trouble with . I don 't remember if we tried to stay in touch with phone calls or not . We lost track of each other but we never forgot each other . Over the years we both thought of each other often . When we finally said goodbye to each other my children had discovered the cookie mix that I had bought earlier in the day . We decided to make the cookies before bed and got out the ingredients . B set everything up on the counter top and P got the butter and eggs out of the refrigerator . I put the butter in the bowl and P handed me the egg . It felt oddly cold and a bit off . I pondered out loud that it would be funny if the egg was frozen . Surprise ! I demonstrated how I could hit the egg hard on the countertop and the shell cracked but no liquid came out . ( Can you see where this is going ? I couldn 't . ) I turned around and walked to the garbage to toss out the offending egg . My son said he wanted to try and before I could say " NO ! " he smashed the egg on the countertop . The egg he used was not frozen . The egg was crushed and shell mixed with egg white and yolk went all over the kitchen . Of course P and B thought it was hysterical . Clean up was another ordeal . We haven 't even started making the cookies yet . I thought using a box mix would be less work , oh well . Of course the phone range , it was Daddy . At least I could have him bring home more eggs . While cleaning up the children discovered another egg that wasn 't frozen . Silly me I thought that there would be less mess as they cleaned not more . Somehow cleaning up two eggs used up most of a roll of paper towels . I would have preferred them to use less paper towels , but I have to admit that together they did clean up all evidence of the great egg explosion and we waited patiently for Daddy to bring us more eggs . Daddy brought us more eggs and we had no more explosions . We all took turns mixing the dough . P and B didn 't think adding just butter and 1 egg to the mix would make a batter , they kept trying to add water . After a few turns they noticed that it was more dough like and then finally I mushed it all together with my hands and my daughter was sure it was magic . Of course it was after all her Mommy is a Kitchen Witch . The mix came with pumpkin shaped cookie cutters , luckily two , and they took turns with each of them . Together they made 16 cookies , okay 17 I had to eat the odd one . We put them in the oven and they waited somewhat patiently for them to be done . It took some convincing to get them to let the cookies cool down when I took them out of the oven . Once they were cool I put some orange icing ( it also came with the mix , all for $ 1 . 99 ) in the center of each cookie and gave each one a knife . They frosted eight cookies each and decorated them with some green and black icing . They were all ready to eat them when I managed to get a few quick photos . I think they are finally ready to help Mommy with Christmas cookies this year . The day ended with no arguments between my soon to be ex and myself . He was surprisingly happy all day . I 'm not used to a day with so much good happening , but I will take it . My friend and I are back in touch , the kids ate cookies and I got flowers . Happiness is a day full of fun and friends even if some egg explodes all over the place . Nothing makes you more happy on your birthday than over 100 birthday wishes on facebook . It might seem impersonal but all of these people took the time to wish me a happy birthday . It really can help make a birthday brighter . I had people from elementary school and high school reach out to me and schedule lunch with me later in the week . To be honest meeting with them gives me a little anxiety . I have been hiding from life for so long that I 'm worried about interacting with a real person . I am really looking forward to the lunches . It will be time away from my soon to be ex and some adult conversation . Talking with another adult is something that I have been looking forward to for so long . B showered me with " Brfday " gifts . They were wrapped in scrap computer paper and were mostly my things . But she was so excited to surprise me with them . It was so much fun watching her go to her hiding spots and bring out all the gifts for me . Then when I was opening them she was almost bursting at the seams . She is a wonderful daughter . My worse half took the kids to help them pick out a gift for me from a local supermarket . It may sound odd , but I strongly hinted to P and B that Mommy would like potted herb plants from that store . I suspected he would have trouble finding them , even though they were in plain sight in the center of produce . I was right . He had to call me from the store to have me direct him to them . So yet another gift for me that is not a surprise . I miss opening up gifts and having no idea what is in the paper , heck sometimes I don ' 't even get the wrapping paper . They came home and he immediately complained about the $ 7 . 00 he spent on the gifts . I went upstairs , I am so done with all his bitterness and complaints . It is easier to walk away and ignore him . Unfortunately sometimes he follows me and keeps at it . Maybe him staying downstairs was his birthday gift to me ? His mother called , I guess to wish me a happy birthday . I can 't help but think that somehow that conversation would steer towards me not having a job yet or my failure in her eyes of me being a housewife . I don 't need her passive aggression . No one else on his side of the family wished me a happy birthday . Not that I was surprised to get no phone calls from them , but not even a Facebook mention was a bit hurtful . My brother and mom called and I had some nice birthday conversations with them . She wants me to pick out a gift . I have no idea . It is so easy to think of thinks I want for the kids but I can 't think of anything I want just for me . Why is it so difficult to think of myself . I 'm another year older , but I don 't feel any different than yesterday . This will be my year to get me back . Here 's to me finding me this year ! He relented and I got my painting . Even better B got to meet the artist , Lady Galaxy . Lady Galaxy is a fantastic painter and her medium of choice is spray paint . We saw her at a local fair and my daughter instantly felt a connection with her . Maybe it was because she watcher her from beginning to end start and complete a fantastic pice of art ? Maybe it was the fact that Lady Galaxy was female like her ? Maybe it was that Mommy and Daddy both liked her artwork ? Whatever the reason B since that day at the fair has pretended to be Lady Galaxy on many occasions . One of our computer programs is an art program . One of the items you can paint with is a can of spray paint , just like Lady Galaxy uses . She loves to use that program and makes space themed paintings like Lady Galaxy . I wish I had a way to capture the look of her face when I told her I was picking up my painting from Lady Galaxy herself . It was a combination of joy , excitement and happiness . When I thought I wasn 't going to be able to get the painting , I was upset because I did really want the painting , but I also wanted B to meet Lady Galaxy . I wanted it to happen for her . I had a backup plan to get my painting , but my worse half relented . He " allowed " me to get my painting . Truth be told even with out his " permission " I would have gotten it . I didn 't need his permission or it turns out his money . I drove out to where she lived and brought my children with me . B was so excited and she had made a special picture to give to Lady Galaxy . When we got there B was all - a - flutter . She was almost bursting at the seems . I can only compare it to when I meet Clyde Tombaugh . I know most are asking who ? He discovered Pluto and was someone I idolized from grade school . I meet him in college and that meeting is still one of the high points of my life . I met my idol and my daughter was meeting hers . I took her picture with Lady Galaxy but I didn 't have a memory card in the camera and there was no image to download . That in itself is heartbreaking . But B remembers her advice and has repeated it many times before she finally went to sleep . She told B to create a picture everyday and everyday she would be one picture better . I think B created many pictures tonight . She just loves creating art and I love watching her do it . On the way there B Asked me if I was an artist . I thought about it and I am , not an artist with images , paint , ink or crayon . I am an artist with words . I love to write and I often have trouble sleeping because words fill my head and force themselves onto paper or onto the computer . My painting is home in my living room . It is a beautiful birthday gift to myself , but the gift that I will treasure always is allowing my daughter to meet an idol . B is only 6 but she loves art with a passion I can only compare to my love of astronomy . How would my life have been different if I had met Clyde Tombaugh when I was so young ? What will her meeting with Lady Galaxy inspire ? Yesterday when we were about to go out I told my son to put his bike in our backyard to keep it safe . I told him if he left it in the front yard someone might take it . He without complaint ( which was shocking in itself ) moved his bike into the backyard near our garage . Off we went and didn 't think of that bike again . It was still there when we got back home , but again we didn 't really think about it . I was watching tv late at night , actually it was morning , 1 : 14 am to be specific when my phone rang . Anytime the phone rings that late at night two thoughts go through your hear , something bad happened and Maybe it 's a wrong number . It wasn 't a wrong number . My neighbor was calling . She just saw someone walk into my yard and leave with a bicycle . She tried to stop him but he ignored her and took off towards a close main road . I admit that my first instinct was to try to find him . I woke my husband up and told him that P 's bike was just stolen and I was going to see if I could find the person , what was I thinking ? I hope I just would have followed him to find out where he went to tell the police . But honestly I was mad , and I was in Mama Bear Mode . How dare someone steal from my son ! I drove in all three main directions and even though I was only minutes behind him there were so many options of where he could go that I knew it was very unlikely that I would find him or my son 's bike . I did wake up my husband before I left and told him that P 's bike was stolen . I assumed he would call the police so when I got home we wouldn 't have too long of a wait for the officer to come to us . At 1 : 15 am or really anytime a stolen bicycle is not high on the priority list . They would come but not right away . I pulled in the driveway and saw my husband in his coat standing in our doorway . I thought he was waiting for the police , he wasn 't . It didn 't occur to him to call them . He couldn 't even really describe the bike . He was with me when P picked out the bike . He helped me sneak it home and get it ready for Easter morning . He helped P learn to ride a 2 wheeler on that bike . How does he not know what it looks like ? He did know that one peddle was broken in half so I guess that is something . The police finally came close to 2 : 30 . They had other thefts to deal with and shots fired that early morning . The officer took our statement , my husband tried to hand him the broken peddle , I don 't know what he thought they were going to do with it ? We gave him the description . . . A skinny white make in his 20 's appx 5 ' 8 " tall , wearing a brown jacket , kaki pants , and a light colored baseball cap . He called it in and left to talk to our neighbor who had spotted the thief . We don 't expect the bike to be found , but still I have posted this information on Facebook and my mommy groups . Possibly someone might know someone who mysteriously has a new bike in the yard . People have been reposting it and that in itself makes me feel better . Stil I had to tell my son this morning that his much loved bike is gone . I knew he would be upset and I knew there would be tears . I didn 't know who badly he would be effected by this . He cried and clung to me . He stayed with me for close to 2 hours . I was his rock and I was his stability today . A friend of his has stepped up and offered him the use of an extra bicycle that he has . That way we can wait until spring to buy him a new one . Possibly he would have needed a new one then any way . He is a growing boy and his peddle was broken . Still he has been violated and he will not look at the world the same anymore . This was not a child who stole the bicycle , it was an adult . I won 't look at the world the same way again either and my view was already jaded . He learned to ride a two wheeler with that bicycle , he loved it and it is gone . I will press charges if the thief is found . He stole more than a bicycle last night he stole my son 's freedom and independence . He broke my son 's heart and Mama Bear does not like that at all ! I 'm turning 44 next week . When I turned 40 I faced my fears now I am turning 44 and am facing a life altering change . I know within this next year I will be moving , I will be single again after many years and I will be starting a new job . It is enough to make anyone an emotional wreck . Add to that the uncertainty that I face every day . What will my husband be like today ? Will he be the fun man I married or will he be the Ogre that he has become ? Today he was the Ogre . He earned giftcards from his work , they were to be used for Christmas and I strongly suggested that since the money existed and my birthday was coming that he finally after years get me an actual gift . It may sound petty , but after 14 years of marriage I want a present ! I had to buy my own anniversary gift , I got a stupid coffee mug and a sloppy handwritten note for Christmas promising me a dinner that I had to wait months for and had to actually ask for . We got the giftcards in the mail , I say we like a wife but it wasn 't we it was he . He hid them from me and changed his mind on what they were to be used for , less on Christmas and more on bills . He decided without me , and I was upset because the decision was his and not to be discussed with me . But he still said one of the cards was for my birthday . He was allowing me a gift after all these years . That gesture meant a lot to me and I went with it . I found a painting that I loved , I had met the artist and she is a person that I think is amazing . She inspires me and her work is beautiful . Sadly she is retiring again , and is purging her unsold artwork before she moves . It was a price within the range of the giftcard and enough money was left that I could take my daughter to a musical that I know she would love . I discussed it with him and as of yesterday I was under the impression that it was okay with him . Ugg I hate asking for permission for a birthday gift or anything from him . I am an adult and a capable one at that . I committed to buying the painting . Then I wanted to grocery shop . Grocery shopping is and has been an issue for us . Most of our fights in our early marriage , before it became the disaster that it is now , were either while grocery shopping or because of it . We shop differently and we made the mistake of shopping together . I say we again , I didn 't drive back then and if I wanted to grocery shop he came with me . I look back at it now and see it at control , he didn 't encourage me to drive . He preferred to be the one that drove everywhere . He was the one who had the power of transportation . I grocery shopped with coupons , I compared prices , I would put items in the cart and keep an approximate running total in my head . I also prioritized items . If I ran over my budget some items simple didn 't come home with me . I took my time and wandered and looked for new things to try . Grocery shopping for me was a fun event and I enjoyed it . He grocery shops for just what he needs . He liked Manwich , chicken , beef , pizza , and tuna casserole . He wants to know exactly how much an item was before it went in the cart . If I didn 't know the price , or if he felt we didn 't need it he would get upset . Once while shopping the store actually called the police on him . They offered to arrest him if I wanted to press charges . Yes he is that mean when we are in public . I should have pressed charges but I didn 't . I wanted ingredients to make a special meal , Pumpkin Mac & Cheese . I needed Hard Cider , cheese and pumpkin . I made the mistake of asking him for the money . He decided he was coming too . I suspected that it wouldn 't end well . I was right . Every item I put in the cart he grumbled about and by the time I was one item from being done he again was declaring me irresponsible because we didn 't have the money to eat gourmet . Now I don 't think using hard apple cider and pumpkin to Mac and Cheese is gourmet . I saw Racheal Ray make it and it looked and sounded delicious . The kids were looking forward to it too . I asked him to get in line while I got the last item . As the kids and I walked to get the item they wanted to know why Daddy was so mean about money and they said that they were afraid of him . That broke my heart . I need to get them away from him . When I got back and was looking for him in line he was wandering around doing math out loud . He was grumbling about money so I offered him some of mine . Yes I had money that he had graciously given me earlier in the week . Yes that is how irresponsible I am with money , I didn 't use it . Finally we got in line . He then divided my ingredients into three sections on the belt . In the order of priority that he thought they were in . Again he refused my money . Finally the final item I went to get was left on the belt and he declared there was no more money and we were done . So I pulled it toward me and told the cashier that it would be a separate order . Then I added a magazine I wanted and chocolate . I was mad and I took control back from him . Today I had an appointment with my psychologist . He hates that I go see him , he doesn 't believe in them and was fired by my psychologist when I tried to get him to go . He was that much of a jerk in session that my psychologist saw no good from him coming to session . The I asked him for the birthday gift card so I could get the tickets . He flipped out and refused , then he told me I was not going to get anything for my birthday . I just got my certification for teaching and that cost $ 100 . 00 so that was my gift . He didn 't want me to spend the money , I need a job so I did . Again I took control away from him . Then he tried to tell me that the large grocery shopping i did was my birthday gift . Seriously , I don 't think groceries or shopping for them are gifts . We need food to survive , I just bought food that the kids and I enjoy . Again I took back some control . By the time we were full out fighting and he looked at me with big bug eyes and made sure that I knew he controlled the money and I had no way to get anything without him . I have no job and I have no money of my own unless he gives me some . He took back all the control . I lashed out and then realizing that I wa about to snap went upstairs . I crumpled to the floor and just cried . Now I went in the basement to confront him because the kids were not there . I do all I can to keep them out of our problems . When I came upstairs I couldn 't hide my tears from them . My daughter gave me hugs and told me she didn 't know what to do . She wanted to make me feel better . My child was comforting me . My husband was doing all he could to hurt me , to the point of basically taking my birthday away from me and it is my six year old who is trying to make it all better . I hated that moment , I can never take it back . My baby should not be worried about me . Oh and to top it off his mother , our landlord wants to do a house inspection this weekend . She knows when my birthday is , why pick this weekend after months of not coming by ? All she does is point out all the things she doesn 't like in the house . She tells me how I am a horrible housewife and usually mentions at least one or two ways that I am a horrible mother . She doesn 't use those words but she sure does a good job of implying it , just like her son does a good job of implying that he is always right and I am always wrong . So Happy Birthday to me , and I am getting that painting one way or another . How many pop bottles do I need to return I wonder ? I don 't know when it began or why I started saying it . I know I never planned on using it as a code . Sometimes things just happen and I 'm glad it did . It is such a simple phrase , one that people use all the time . But over time two simple words have grown to become so much more . " Guess what ? " Those words are what I say to my children almost every day . They know the answer as soon as the words leave my mouth . When I say " Guess what ? " I want them to know that I love them . It has become a playful game we play . I will ask the question and they act like they know the answer and that they don 't want to hear it . But they smile and giggle . They sometimes say " I know , you love me . " with a giggle . Sometimes they hug and kiss me . Then sometimes they get tickled . It is the tickling that becomes the game . They giggle and laugh and pretend to get away . Then if I stop they beg me to tickle them more . Sometimes they will look at me with a glint in their eye and say " Guess what ? " That is my favorite , that is when those words become so much more . They become ours in a world filled with chaos . For just that moment all that matters is our bond and the fun that we are having . Now my children are getting older . I know it isn 't like they are ready to move out quite yet but those days do draw closer . Already my son has asked me to not refer to myself as Mommy when he is around his friends . I have been Mommy for so long it is hard to become Mom . I know it is just a word , but it just isn 't the same as Mommy . Do I dare say " I love you " when he is around his friends ? This year at his open house we as parents were invited to write a message of encouragement to our children on a leaf . My first impulse was to write " I love you " but I paused and thought better of it . Maybe it would be okay , they still are young . But then again they are growing up 9 and 10 year olds can think love is icky . Heck some grownups still do . Then I thought of those two magic words , guess what . If I wrote them down he would know what I was saying and no one else would . It turns those words from a game to a code . I wrote them on the stem of the leaf along with a message reminding him that he was awesome . I went home that night knowing that he would know what I meant and it would make him happy . He came home from school the next day and I asked him if he saw his leaf . He said that his teacher read all the leaves out loud to the class . As soon as I heard that I knew I made the right choice . Imagine if his teacher read " I love you " out loud to the whole class . Instead he heard " Guess what ? " and knew right away that I was saying " I love you " . He told me that it made him smile . That made me smile . That leaf still hangs on the wall in the hallway at his school and I sometimes ask if he still remembers what I wrote . Let 's face it he is in fourth grade and when they are in the hallways he isn 't reading the walls . He still remember 's even if he doesn 't always read his leaf as he walks by it . It has become our code word so I can always tell him I that I love him without him getting embarrassed . So if you hear me say " Guess What ? " to my children you know exactly what I mean . What does it say about your life when the fact that you went grocery shopping is the highlight of your day or even your week ? That is how I feel today . We got some found money and after a short spat decided that after saving some for Christmas some would be used to replenish our pantry . It was getting very sparse because I wasn 't buying the things we needed to have a variety of food . Things like sugar , flour and other items you would use in a recipe to make a meal . He would buy meat , noodles , cream of mushroom soup , tuna and spaghetti sauce . Variety to him was , after the three of us repeatedly reminded him that we liked dark meat , finally switching from chicken breast to chicken thighs . I want to make pumpkin mac and cheese this week . Variety to me is trying new flavors and combinations of food that I never thought of before . I love to fool around with ingredients and discovering new flavors . Not being able to grocery shop has been a thorn in my side . I love having the time to myself . I really like being in a store and not having to tell anyone to " Stop touching that ! " or " Come back here ! " . Add that to my love of cooking and well let 's be honest , eating , and not being able to grocery shop has been killing me . Walking through produce and finding new fruits and vegetables to try is like hunting . I have to try to find things that not only my children will eat , but the Ogre too . If you think children are picky eaters , they have nothing on him . He will make the yuck face and often say exactly how he thinks the offending food tastes . Usually it is negative . There are so many foods I want to try and that I want to expose my children too . They have edible flowers and I keep trying to think of a way to justify their purchase and use in a meal . I used them once before in a salad many years ago . My sister in law still teases me about me using them . That salad was also my first experience with scotch bonnet peppers . I love spicy food but popping a whole scotch bonnet in your mouth expecting green pepper flavor and instead finding your mouth on fire is something you don 't forget . I had to put items back on this trip because I would put things in my cart and find something else that we needed or that would make a great meal . Then because it had been so long since I had done a full grocery run I forgot some items that we did need . I bought Italian Sausage links and forgot the buns . Add to that items I couldn 't find like smokey paprika and I really want to go back tomorrow to finish the job . When I got home the children were overjoyed by my purchases . That is not an exaggeration . They were jumping up and down and as they helped me unpack the groceries would squeal with delight when they pulled them out of the bags . When B saw the purple cauliflower she was thrilled . I have to say that I love the fact that my daughter , like me , loves to try new food . Now the groceries are purchased and I wonder when I will be able to go back to shop again . He has all the control of the money now . I squirrel away as much as I can , but know it will be a while before I can get enough for a full grocery shop . Already I have a list of items I need or want so I can cook tasty meals . When will I be able to go back to the grocery store ? It was school picture day today for my daughter . I admit that it kind of caught me by surprise . I remember getting the order form last week and once again wondering why they can 't have a package of just what I want . But I put it down and forgot about it . I don 't remember getting the reminder . I can only assume that my worse half emptied her folder and didn 't show it to me . So I was blissfully unaware of the status of today when daddy woke up B this morning . Daddy thought that he was being helpful , he had picked out a perfectly respectable outfit and presented it to her . You would have thought that he had done something unthinkable from her response . She declared loudly that it was school picture day and she had to dress up for it . Those of you who know me even a little bit know that I am not a morning person . But now I have to deal with the morning . I am up and finding out if it really was school picture day . Yikes it is ! She is in her room picking out a beautiful spring dress with no sleeves . Luckily she also picks out a lovely pink jacket like top to go with it . She finishes the outfit with pink pants and white socks . This is the fall picture day and they only take head shots as opposed to the spring full body shots . Okay if she wants to wear pants under her dress I 'll let her . At least they match color wise . I think we got this . She has a nice outfit , I find the order sheet and fill it out . Yikes ! $ 44 . 00 for the package that has the print sizes I want as well as the DVD . I pick up the brush to brush her hair and she turns around . There screaming at me is a huge missing chunk of her hair ! Deep breath mommy , it isn 't going to help if you scream I think to myself . Okay so I calmly ask , " B , did you cut your hair ? " She realizes that she has been busted and comes up with a reply way to quickly . " My imaginary friend did it ! " We have had to deal with her imaginary friend before and we have told her that she will be the one punished for what her imaginary friend does . Right now the only thing I can think of is that she is not allowed to play with her " friend " anymore . Of course B knows we are not pleased and starts to cry . I assess the hair and think I can hide it if I give her a ponytail . Victory ! It works . Before she let for school I hugged my sobbing little girl for a long time . I can 't get to mad , I know I did this when I was a child . I think it is safe to say that I did it more than once . Though I almost always went for the bangs not the back of my hair . She finally calmed down and finished getting ready for school . This is one school picture day that I won 't soon forget . I love school book fairs ! There is something about books that makes my heart go pitter patter . The thought of all those books to pick from excites me and I look forward to them all year long . The fall one is perfectly timed , the kids need books to read 20 minutes a day and this gives them a chance to pick out their very own books . Their choice doesn 't always happen . I like to make sure they have a variety of reading material so sometimes I buy books that I " encourage " them to read . My husband is not a book fair fan . Part of it is that he just doesn 't understand how a book can be exciting . He is not a fan of reading and grudgingly reads only when he has to . When I say that he avoids reading I mean if you ask him to pass him a specific kind of salad dressing , lie ranch , he asks you what color the dressing is so he doesn 't have to read the bottle . It is like he can make a conscious choice to read or not to read . To be fair I don 't understand how he does that . Reading is so much a part of me that I don 't think I could turn it off . There are other reasons why he is not a book fair person . A big one is that books usually cost money . He does not like to spend money . Again to be fare we don 't make a lot of money and there is always something we have to do without , a bill that we can 't pay or a place we can 't go to . Still I try to make sure we have plenty of books in the house . If I can get them at a discount even better . He thinks we have too many books and doesn 't understand why we need more . My philosophy is if they keep writing them I will keep reading them . I know I could go to the library but there is something I like about full book shelves at home . I love being surrounded by books . Last night was the book fair at my daughter 's school . She came home from school bouncing with anticipation for the event that evening . When I told her that we had to wait until 6 pm for it to open she cried because she didn 't want to wait . Daddy and I both reassured her that we would take P and her to the fair when it opened . I think she spent most of the time watching the clock . When it was time to go both children were so excited . We got to the school in just a few moments and pulled into the parking lot . Both B and P had their seat belts off and doors open before we could blink . They were off at top speed excitedly discussing what kind of books they wanted . This thrilled me because my son is not a lover of reading . I think if we didn 't encourage him to read or if he didn 't have to read 2o minutes a day for school that he would never open a book for enjoyment . To see him excited about reading brings joy to my heart . Finally we got to the door and found the book fair . It was set up on the stage in the auditorium . With in moments both had books picked out . Of course the books they picked out were $ 12 . 00 books . Sadly we couldn 't afford books that cost that much so I had to redirect them to books in our price range . I found one I liked for only $ 3 . 00 . It was a non - fiction book filled with facts about the states . Yup , I 'm a nerd and proud of it . If you have been to a book fair then you know they don 't only sell books . There are posters , pens , pencils , erasers , pointers , and all sorts of other fun non book items . These are things that we don 't buy at book fairs . However the children always try to convince us that they just have to have a slime kit or a pair of mini drum sticks . Bonus , some of these items are the most expensive things at the book fair , double trouble for us . After the kids picked out two books each they zero in on the contraband items that they know I 'll say no to . I don 't want to be the bad guy all the time , so I did what any sensible mommy would do , I sent them to daddy . After all he has all the money now . My son comes running up to me telling me that daddy said he could get the slime kit . Oh goodie I think ! He is bouncing up and down and he is so excited . B has also convinced him to let her get a pencil with four erasers . We get in line , I have two books , each child has two books and one contraband item . So far no crying , so far no arguments . That was about to change . Usually when I go to a book fair I buy bags of books , the spring sale is better because it is the buy one get one free sale . Still I have been known to buy a lot of books at both the fall and spring sales . This time I knew we were low on money and I only picked out two , only $ 8 . 00 worth of books . Many books I wanted stayed on the shelves . This was a sacrifice I was not used to making . Daddy now notices Ps contraband item and asks him how much it is . Seriously , I would have asked the price before I agreed to buy it . Yikes it was $ 10 . 00 and there was no way we could afford it . Now tell any child that they can 't have a promised item is difficult , but telling an child with asperger 's after they are told they can get it is horrible . When daddy told him no the world ended . He was upset and frustrated , tears were streaming down his face . I tried to comfort him . Daddy unfortunately got mad . He called P a crybaby ( I hate it when he calls the kids cry babies and I do tell him so ) . Remember we are at my daughter 's school with teachers , the new principal , parents and other students all around us . Daddy now is swearing and upset , then he notices that I have two books too and he goes ballistic . He now has dagger eyes focused on me and he is telling me how I am spending too much money , now the kids want these stupid extras and it never ends . He tells me how I have no sense of responsibility and we never should have come . Somehow I kept a calm voice and asked him to calm down . He was embarrassing me and people were starting to look . The line slowly moved , he would storm out of the auditorium and then come back and yell at me in a hushed tone . I had no idea if he was going to pay so I pulled out a check . Big mistake ! He was furious now , how dare I use that account , it was stealing ( my name is on the account ) and I had no right to it . He would pay he finally decided . As he paid he turned to me and announced loudly that we only had $ 3 . 00 left for the rest of the week and we didn 't have any food . Okay , I had $ 20 . 00 back home so I wasn 't worried , we also have a freezer full of food as well as boxed and canned food in our cupboards . We were not going to starve . I think he is finally done and again I am wrong . He whisper yells at me as we walked out of the auditorium . No one can hear him but his body language spoke loudly . He wouldn 't stop until we got home and then he only did because he had to go to work . Today I looked through my books happy with my purchase . I thought to myself that the next book fair would be in the spring and hopefully I will have a steady job by then so I could avoid the argument that always had accompanied book fairs . Then my son came home from school and gives me his back pack . I take his folder out and open it . There glaring at me is an announcement - Book Fair and Ice Cream Social next week . This year the kids are in separate school and it never occurred to me that there would be separate book fairs . Oh oh , I 'm in trouble ! For years I have noticed that often there is no small ouch for my son . That is the one aspect of Asperger 's that really gets to me . As his mommy I hate to see him in pain . Even if I know the pain in reality should be on the low end of the spectrum his reaction to it is on the hight end of the spectrum and above . Unfortunately I am so used to his over reaction ( or a reaction that is not what is socially expected ) that it is possible to trivialize it and miss a real major injury . There have been a couple occasions where he really was hurt and I didn 't react to it because I assumed it was an over reaction . In the last two or three months it has escalated . His reactions have been getting worse . He is sure that he has broken a bone and screams . He runs back and forth screaming " HELP ME , HELP ME , HELP ME ! ! ! ! " Any parent would panic when they heard this reaction from their child . Watching and listening to this reaction is heartbreaking . A mommy 's instinct would be to grab the child get in the car and go to the Emergency Room . I have almost done just that . The decision to go or not to go is a difficult one . First I have to get him to stop running . This in itself is difficult . Have you ever seen a trapped insect trying to get out of it 's enclosure ? It is a similar scene . He can not stop running back and forth . Combine that with the crying and screaming and it is a scary scene . The screaming is a combination of pain , fear and confusion . How I don 't panic when I hear is beyond me ? The only way to get him to stop running is to be calm , speak softly and actually catch him . Yes , I actually have to get in his path and grab a hold of him . At this time there is no way to hug him , which is what my instincts are screaming at me to do . I have to , almost at the same instant I catch him , access the injury . The first step is find out where the injury is . Sometimes he can 't tell me and sometimes you can 't tell what hurts by looking at him . Again the key is a soft calm voice and often physical contact . I will stoke his back and get down to his level . I listen to him and do a quick visual assessment . Then the hard part , I have to get him to show me the injured body part . I have fallen down the stairs and broken my ankle . My foot was turned 180 degrees . Visually when I saw my foot my heel was in the front and my toes were facing behind me . It was such a foreign sight that my First thought was that I had lost my toes . When I lived out of state I crashed my bicycle and put a spoke through my knee . I picked up my bike and walked him . The amount of blood was staggering . The reaction I am hearing and seeing from my son is a reaction a one would expect from a child if they had injuries similar to these . I look and brace myself expecting such an injury . Will a bone be broken ? How much blood is there ? Will I have time to get him to the hospital ? Now I know the odds are that the injury is nothing compared to the reaction . But once I thought he was over reacting and got mad at him , he really did get hurt pretty badly and I felt like the most horrible mommy ever . I look and there is no blood , no broken bones and no life threatening injuries . Maybe 30 seconds have gone by and now I have to also deal with the reactions of other people in the vicinity . My daughter is scared , she now is also crying because like me she is neuro - typical and her impulse reaction is something horrible happened to her big brother and he is in trouble . My husband is freaking out , he may not be neuro - typical , his brain I think works more similarly to P 's brain than mine . His first reaction is also that something bad has happened but instead of a quick assessment he often will react like my son is . His voice gets louder and it sounds like he is yelling . In other words chaos is all around me and it is overwhelming . Today P fell off his bike . We could hear the scream from inside the house and it was LOUD ! In runs my son screaming " HELP ME , HELP ME , HELP ME , HELP ME ! " He announces to us that he broke his bone . This has been his assessment of the last three or four similar incidences . I start my assessment and my husband starts to yell . In case you are ever in a situation like this there is one thing an adult should not do , that is to panic and yell . It often makes the child more upset . It is like throwing gasoline on a fire . Not a good idea . Chaos is erupting my husband is yelling , my daughter is crying and my son is running back and forth in the living room screaming " HELP ME , HELP ME , HELP ME , HELP ME ! " I catch him and force him to show me his thumb . No blood , no swelling , no dislocation , okay nothing too bad . At the same time I tell him that he is okay and announce to my crying daughter that P is okay . This also allows him to hear that it really is okay . Now daddy is yelling " How can I help you ? What do you need ? " Seriously , P has no idea , he is in pain and it is overwhelming . He hears that he is okay , but his nervous system is telling him that he isn 't . He reacts because that is how he is hardwired . Daddy hears that he is okay but sees that he is reacting like it is a sever injury . Instead of listening to my calmness and reassurance that his son is okay he tries to assess the situation independently . He does this by yelling asking P over and over again if he is okay . Unfortunately P believes that it is worse than it is and this combination is making the situation worse . I am hugging my son , often a bear hug can help calm the over - stimulation . It makes him feel safe and my reassuring voice also starts to calm him down . He breaks lose and starts running now and daddy keeps asking him what does he need . Maybe a minute has passed and it feels like eternity . He starts to understand that he is okay and pauses occasionally to catch his breath . Now my husband is yelling at me because he doesn 't understand what I am doing . He reacts like P does to pain , a little pain causes a major reaction . They are two peas in a pod this way . Just breathe ! That instant where I had assessed the situation now comes back to me , did I get it wrong ? Should I really take him to the hospital or immediate care ? So many things are happening all around me that will start to doubt myself . I have taken first aid courses as well as classes for CPR certification . I am not a first responder , but have gone through the training for first responders in another state . I examine his thumb again and it really does seem to be okay . Not even two minutes have passed . My son is starting to calm down , he is asking me to hold him and announcing that he needs help in rotation . B has stopped crying but now my husband is upset that I am trivializing his pain , especially since I hurt myself last night trying to catch the air conditioned as it fell out of my second story bedroom window . Gravity won and I learned to nPosted by I read to my children every night . The TV is turned off and story time begins . Each child picks out a book and a doorway to another world opens up . I love to read to them , voices are made up for characters , sound effects are used and sometimes tickles are used too . It is an event and has been since they before they were born . It 's true I was one of those wacky mommies that read to their babies while still pregnant . Reading is such a part of my life that I can 't imagine what it would be like not to have books being part of my life . My soon to be ex - husband however abhors reading . He has been forced to read all his life and he resents it . He knows how to read , or he is an excellent faker . When the kids were younger this wasn 't really an issue . Listening to him read in a flat monotone voice wasn 't pleasant but he would read to the kids . Then they started being interested in longer books with more than one or two lines of words on a page and he would find excuses to not read to them . He would look for an excuse every night to " punish " the kids by taking away story time . There were stupid infractions that were harmless . Things that needed no or little discipline . It would make me so mad . Reading is so important that I don 't think it should ever be taken away from a child . We never saw eye to eye about it . We used to each read a story to the kids every night , not anymore . Now I read exclusively to the kids every night . This isn 't an issue because I love to read . But still there are times when he needs to step up and read to the children . Sometimes they want daddy to read . Sometimes I am tired or I don 't feel good . Last night was one of those nights . I was tired and didn 't feel well . My daughter came to me to read to her and I just couldn 't do it . If I can 't read you know I am not feeling well . I asked her to ask daddy to read to her . One night of reading in six months , I thought that he could handle it . I was wrong . I closed my eyes and went to sleep only to be woken up by my daughter . She was crying and tears were streaming down her face . She was so upset , Daddy only read half of the book to her . The book was Fancy Nancy , Poet Extraordinaire ! by Jane O ' Connor and Robin Preiss Glasser . It is only 30 pages long , on almost every page is a huge drawing that takes up almost the whole page . It is written for children so the words are large print and easy to read . Of course some of the words are fancy , it is Fancy Nancy of course . He wouldn 't finish and has upset with me when I asked him about it . He said that he did read to her , what did t matter if he didn 't finish the book ? Reading with our children is so important , it develops literacy skills and helps them succeed in school . Even when they are school age they still should be read to because often their listening skills are at a level above their reading skills . If you read to them at their listening skills this help them develop and improve their reading skills . It should never be taken away from a child . Tonight I read an extra book to them , hopefully that makes up for last night . Now I am waiting to make my dinner , it is 11 : 27 at night . He insists on eating his dinner before he goes to the store to buy the green peppers for my italian sausage . See , I still am not allowed to have any money so I am unable to buy groceries . I have to wait for him to buy the food . He tries to control me by making me rely on him for everything . The closer I get to walking out that door the more control he takes away from me . He tells me that I will never succeed on my own . He wants me fail and fall apart completely . It has the opposite effect on me . The more he takes away from me , the harder I work to build scaffolding to help me succeed away from him . I have a substitute teaching job , and I will get more jobs I am sure . Any extra money I can hoard away I do . I am making connections and pushing myself to not fall back into a ball of nothing . I have lost so much of myself in this marriage , but I am getting it all back . I will keep reading to my children as long as I can . My son has problems reading , maybe it is the Asperger 's but I suspect it might be his father 's attitude about reading that has contributed to some of his reading problems . So many of the tears at story time have had something to do with daddy that I have to be concerned about it . Soon I hope we will have no more story time tears . I am a Mommy . All my life that is what I wanted to be . I also am an elementary school teacher . At the moment I am a substitute teacher . I may not have my own classroom but I care about every one of my students like I would if I was their regular teacher . I recently left my husband . What started as a great marriage fell apart over the years into an emotional abusive relationship from him to me . The more independent I got the meaner he got . Finally among a family crisis he decided to leave the country to go to a sporting event . I had an opportunity to leave and I took it . So starts another new beginning for me . |
Happy Birthday Noah ! ! ! Today Noah turned 8 years old ! We didn 't have a party this time , since the baby is still so little , and I got partied out with the last two , lol . That 's ok , Noah had a great day anyway . He made a deal with his dad that if he worked hard this morning at cleaning up the house , he could earn himself some extra birthday presents , so he worked hard and did a good job . Chris took him out to pick up the birthday cake and while they were out he got a few more presents ( along with the card , that I had forgotten , oops ! lol ) After lunch , Noah opened his gifts and then had his cake . He had asked for a cake at the bakery that he had seen months ago , and so I ordered it based on the name of the cake without going back to the book to check and make sure it was still there . Oops , they changed it a bit . Well , luckily Noah didn 't mind at all , Phew ! He also got some mint chocolate chip ice cream to go with it . Yum ! He was very happy with all his gifts , including those from his aunts . This has been an unusual year , in that the aunts ' gifts have all arrived in time for the birthday ! Usually they wait until a visit and then bring them rather than mail them ; I don 't really mind that method , but it 's nice to see a big pile of gifts on the table lol . After eating , Noah came up to show me his loose tooth . He had not wanted to finish his piece of cake because it was bothering his tooth . I looked at it , and it was hanging backwards in his mouth , ick ! LOL He didn 't have the nerve to pull it out , so he asked me to . When I was his age , I could never have left a tooth like that in my mouth . I think I pulled all my teeth out early by twisting and wiggling them out , LOL . All I had to do was twist Noah 's tooth around once and out it came : - ) After playing with his Ninja Turtle Lair playset for a while , they all sat down to watch his new Scooby Doo movie . I got a great picture of all the boys together on the couch . Well , ok , it took about 7 tries , LOL , thank goodness for digital cameras ! I also took a nice picture of Levi earGretchen Yesterday I got a little mini - vacation . A friend from church called and invited the 4 oldest boys over for the day . Chris dropped them off on his way to work , and picked them up on the way home . So I was home with just the 2 yo and the baby all day . It was actually a little harder than when they are all home , lol . I didn 't have a 9 yo to follow the 2 yo and make sure he wasn 't getting into trouble , or to get him water when he needed it , or to put in a video before his nap . I had to keep jumping up to keep an eye on him , and the baby didn 't like that . I did get to stay online all morning , since no one cared about watching tv , and it was much quieter , which was nice . But by afternoon I was bored . I ended up going out to the drive through at McDonald 's , just to get out of the house , lol . Chris stopped at WalMart to pick up the things he forgot / couldn 't find the day before , so the boys didn 't get home until 6 : 30 . They had a great time with their friends , so I 'm glad they got to go . Today it 's back to normal , we 've got school done already : - ) but I sure could use a nap ! Posted by Chris went back to work this morning . He is officially starting his new job today . He was very nervous about it , but I 'm sure it can 't get too bad for him at least in the first week , lol . Now , on the other hand , I 'm thinking it can get * very * bad for me ! LOL Actually I 'm feeling pretty good , so I 'm hopeful that as long as I get a good routine going we 'll do well . Unfortunately I think I 'm getting a cold . The back of my throat is very sore , and I think I had a fever last night . I woke up pretty sweaty . Oh , and I should mention that I have been up since 3 : 30 am ! Ugh . Levi woke up and then wouldn 't go back to sleep without laying on me . I had to go to the bathroom , so I couldn 't just fall asleep with him , but I couldn 't lay him in his carseat either . That is what I ended up doing , but of course he cried himself back awake . About 5 am I came upstairs and got online , so he finally got bored to sleep , LOL , but then Micah , who was sleeping in my bed , started to cry so when I laid down in bed with him , he woke up and started playing with me . I never did get back to sleep . Waaah . Today might be a very long day . I checked out the garden yesterday , and found a few of our vines starting to rot from all the rain , so I picked some fruits , even though they didn 't look quite ripe . Hopefully they will ripen off the vine ; it 's better than them rotting on the vine . We have a beautiful pumpkin , plus another one that wasn 't ready to pick yet . Our watermelons are very small , that is disappointing , but at least we have some . I got two cantelopes so far . We have tons and tons of green tomatoes , but Chris went out to pick and only got about 20 cherry tomatoes so far . He says it looks like they are going to turn all at once . That happened last year , and I got so sick from trying to eat them all before they went bad that I still don 't have a taste for them yet , LOL . At least he is eager to eat them . Our peas rotted in the rain , so Chris pulled the black plants up . We have a few more carrots left , but I thought I 'd like them to get a few more days of sun before I pull them . I hope they don 't rot first . We have one pumpkin growing up by the house , It 's a pretty nice size too , but it is still very green . Who knew pumpkins were so easy to grow ? Too bad I have no intention of trying to cook them ! LOL Levi weighed exactly the same as his birthweight , which at 1 week old is pretty quick for regaining his weight ; and he grew an inch , and is now 20 inches . I think he more likely stretched out his legs more than actually grew , lol . He also " has good color " so I guess my fears of jaundice were unfounded : - ) I was right when I suspected that I would never be able to hear this doctor if I brought all the boys in ; he talks very quietly and with a heavy accent . Sorry to say , even though he told me I was doing everything right and Levi was great , I am still going to be switching doctors September 1 . I hope I don 't have too much trouble with that . Posted by Today Chris took all the boys out but Troyer and Levi , and gave me a few hours break from them . They have been bickering and picking fights with each other all week , and it is getting on Chris ' nerves , so I guess he thought they were getting on mine . I guess he doesn 't realize that that is what they do EVERY day , whether he is here or not ? LOL It was nice , anyway . Troyer did a great job of watching Levi and keeping him happy so I could make some pizzas for dinner . I was able to have them ready by the time Chris and the boys got home . Tomorrow is Levi 's first appointment with his pediatrician . He was supposed to go in at 10 days old , but that would be Monday and Chris will already be at work . I absolutely dread the idea of having to drag all the boys in to that office and trying to understand the foreign accent through the din of 5 boys fighting and whining . So I talked the office into letting me bring him in a little early . I hope his jaundice is cleared up enough that the dr won 't make a big deal out of it . Also , Levi has had goopy eyes for a few days ; I guess he has a cold . So I guess I will get a prescription for eye drops . Levi has been eating very well and pooping a lot , so I know he is healthy . I wonder if the dr will have the same opinion . I don 't really trust him after my horrible hospital experience , so I am prepared to completely dismiss whatever he tells me , LOL . First off , I want to throw in some details from part 1 that I just didn 't fit into the story . One , while my doctor was a pain about the rupture thing , he was laid back about it , and never put pressure on me , and in the end was ok with the whole thing . I am mad in general at the medical community as a whole , and at those women who have run up malpractice insurance so high that doctors have to cover their butt to the point of leaving us VBACers with little choice . My doctor was put in the middle , and I appreciate his allowing me to make my own choice . Third , and this sort of ties in with today 's post , I want to say specifically that there was one nurse at the hospital , Tina , who is a favorite of mine . She has been there for the last 2 or 3 babies , and is one of the few who has stayed there that long . After my experience this time around , I can see why there is a high turnover rate there : - ( Ok , on to my rant . I have to say , I am so glad I decided to go home a day early . If I had the nerve , maybe I would have gone home before 24 hours , even . The hospital has a whole bunch of new rules that I was unaware of , and informed of whenever I tried to break them unknowingly . The first offense was that I was not allowed to spend my whole stay in the LDR room . In the past I have stayed in that room for the whole 2 days pp , which actually means almost 3 days . It is a nice big room with comfortable chairs , and is a bit down the hall from the other rooms , so more private . Well , new policy says they need to keep two delivery rooms open , and since there is only one LDR that means I have to get out within hours after birth . I can only say I am glad I have gotten so good at giving birth that it was not hard for me to get up and walk down the hall . If I had had to do that after Noah or Samuel ( # 2 or 3 ) it would have been horrible . As it turns out , of course , no one else came in to give birth while I was there . Next , the stupid kitchen fought with me about what foods I wanted and what I could have . They sent up coffee as my snack , even though Tina told them specifically NO COFFEE . I hate coffee . I wanted an alternate drink , as I am always thirsty . But nope , they sent up a nice big mug of the evil stuff . When they sent up a lady to ask my preferences for my upcoming meals , she mentioned that they had chocolate brownies for desert but I couldn 't have one because I was breastfeeding , and we can 't be giving caffiene to the baby . UGHH ! She pointed out that the coffee was decaf . I wanted to slap her . Also , for my breakfast the next morning they put two of the nastiest looking pieces of bacon I have ever seen on my toast . I tell you , even if I were still eating pork , I would not have touched those . At least they didn 't try to feed me a ham sandwich for my midnight snack , like last time . The last kitchen grievance is over the " candle light dinner " which they serve to each new mom and dad while baby is in the nursery , a chance fPosted by On Friday morning , we woke up by 6 am and got my stuff loaded into the car . I packed the usual stuff , but also a big bag full of books and stuff to do ; I have learned that the hospital can be pretty boring ! lol We were ready early , so we just left , it was hard to just sit around . We got to the hospital 20 minutes early , but were able to check in right away . First they sent me down to the lab to get some blood work done . In the past they have always sent a tech up to my room to do that , but they said it was easier and quicker if I went there first . It made sense to me , and not much difference , so no problem . They have a nice little waiting room there so I didn 't have to leave Troyer and Chris out in the lobby . Then from there we went upstairs to the maternity hall . After getting changed and everything , we just sat for a long time . Almost an hour . Boring ! lol Finally someone came in and started me on an IV . I knew I was going to want an epidural , and the dr ordered that I have 2 liters of fluid in me before they started it , so they put that in first . My dr came in and examined me , and said I was up to almost a 5 , so I guess I was doing something overnight ! Then a while later they came and started the pitocin . I guess that was around 10 am . My dr wanted to break my water as soon as possible , something to do with the increased chance of rupture if the baby is down but the membranes haven 't broken . Blah blah , lol , I get glassy eyed when he starts with that " R " word , LOL . He started the pitocin really low , so my contractions were only 10 to 15 minutes apart , not much more than they had been already . They weren 't hurting much either . Of course , the anesthesiologist got busy and didn 't come and didn 't come . My dr checked me about every hour , and by 11 I was around 7 cm . Finally the anesth . Dr Johnson came up at 12 . I sent Chris and Troyer out for lunch , I figured Troyer wouldn 't much enjoy watching the dr put the epidural in , and I know Chris doesn 't like to watch . They went to Burger King , and their timing was perfect , Chris had brought along his laptop and Troyer had a few books and a drawing pad and pencils , so they were all set , but with the iv needle in my left hand and the blood pressure cuff on my right arm , it was hard to hold a book to read . The epidural ( combined with very little sleep the night before ! ) made me relaxed and sleepy , so I just settled in for a nice nap . I slept for about an hour . At about 2 pm I could start to feel the contractions again , and told them I wanted the epidural topped off soon , so it wouldn 't wear off right when it was time to start pushing . Again it took a while for the anesth . nurse to get there , and at last check , I was up to 8 . 5 - 9 cm - it was almost time ! The baby had descended , too , to about + 1 station . Finally the nurse arrived with more drugs , ahhh , lol . I asked her not to make it as strong as the first dose , as I wanted to be able to feel enough to push . She had trouble getting the fluid in the tube , she said it felt like there was a kink or something in the line . She ended up giving me more than I needed , because she felt that I wasn 't getting it all . Oops . Oh well . So I was numb from knees to ribs again . I just hoped it would wear off enough in time for pushing . The OB came back in and checked again at 2 : 30 , I was fully dilated and ready to push . Well , except that I couldn 't feel what to push ! I hate that . So they had to tell me when a contraction started and to start pushing , and I did my best to push right , but couldn 't really tell , and they would tell me when it was over and take a break . It felt like a long time but I guess it was not even 10 minutes , and I could just start to feel the baby 's head coming down , so I told them that , and they confirmed it . A few more pushes , and I could feel the head coming out . No pain at all , which is amazing to me , but I could feel just enough to tell when he was through . In the end , I am glad it worked out that way , because I didn 't have to worry about Troyer getting upset at my moans or screams , lol . I felt amazingly good afterwards , not even any soreness ; I guess that is because he was so small - my last baby was 9lb 7oz , so he seemed tiny to me , lol . I decided then that I would be checking out the next day rather than spend the extra day there . I 'm glad I did . Levi is up now , so I will finish the rest of the story ( which will mosly be rants about the stupid hospital ) later . I 'm just posting a short update now that I 'm home ; I 'll write the whole birth story out later . Levi is here ! He was born on Friday Aug 13 , 2004 , at 2 : 40 pm , after starting induction around 10 am . He weighed 7lb 14 . 5 oz , and is 19 . 5 inches long . He has a bit of hair , and it looks dark ? ? ? LOL A first for me , a baby with dark hair . His eyes look like they will also be turning dark . Have I actually gotten a baby who will have Chris ' coloring ? lol We just got home Saturday night , I didn 't feel like staying the extra day . The brothers are all very happy to see him . Troyer got to attend the birth , and his opinion was , " Wow , that was so gross ! It was * so * gross it was cool ! ! ! " LOL I think he got to see more than he planned on , lol . I will write a longer story when I get the chance , I 'm not up to 100 % yet . : - ) I can 't believe I am back home , and not in the hospital ! ! ! ! ! I went to my appointment , and had nasty contractions the whole way there . Troyer came along , because we expected to be checking in at the hospital afterwards . The doctor checked me , and I am only a 4 " maybe " AARRRGGHHH ! So he asked me when do I want the baby , and I said tonight ! He pointed out that the hospital staff is on skeleton crew overnight , and how about tomorrow morning , so I had to go with that . So I will be checking in for induction tomorrow morning at 7 am . I suppose all around that 's easier , with having to have someone watch the boys and everything . But I was all set to have the baby tonight ! I am so mad , but also about to cry . So one more sleepless night . Sigh . Well , needless to say , nothing much happened yesterday , lol . I was pretty busy , so if I was having regular contractions , I didn 't notice them . I did get them when sitting down to rest , but they were still the wimpy kind . I was much more tired yesterday than I have been the past few days , and that was disappointing . I was enjoying my energy spurt . : - ) I even went to bed early last night , had some thoughts about Chris helping me out with labor , maybe ; - ) but he was already fast asleep , so no go . I woke up about 2 am because Micah had fallen out of bed and was crying . I went and got him back into bed , and laid down with him for a while till he fell asleep again . But then I couldn 't get back to sleep . The baby had moved into an uncomfortable postition , so everytime he kicked it hurt my hips . And then the contractions got uncomfortable too . Not close enough to time them , but annoying enough to keep me awake . I told Chris this morning that maybe I might need to call him today . My appointment is tonight at 5 pm . Can I wait that long ? ? ? LOL He will be out of the office for the morning , so I won 't even be able to find him until after lunch , and by that point , I might as well wait . But hey , if I ever actually do approach something like normal early labor , I will just drag all the boys with me to the hospital , just in case . I am pretty sure that today will be my last day pg ( with this baby , anyway ! lol ) . Last week my doctor ( who was sooooo sure I was going to deliver last weekend just because he stripped my membranes - DUH ) told me that if I made it to this week 's appointment , he was most likely going to want me to go straight to the hospital to check in from there . He said if I were 5 or more cm he would do that . I have no idea if all these contractions this week did anything or not . I need longer fingers ! LOLAnyway , if I end up going in before 5 , I will come and post here first , but otherwise I may not be posting again before I am home to announce the baby ! Posted by I was soooo close to having Chris take me in tonight ; the contrax were a regular 15 min apart , and crampy but not really painful . But then I remembered that the epi doctor goes home at 3 pm , and I really really really didn 't want the idiot nurse I had last time , so I decided to wait at least until morning . Now the contrax seem to have petered out some , so it 's probably better that I waited . I guess we 'll wait until morning . The garage called and said the van passed inspection , so I told Chris to go ahead and go pick it up tonight , just in case we need to go in . Tomorrow we ( the boys and I ) will drive him in to work so he can drive his car home . It is spending the night up at the garage . I feel better having the van , just in case . Maybe tomorrow morning we will be driving to the hospital instead ? lol I can keep hoping , right ? ; - ) Posted by Holy cow , I feel like a first time mom , wondering if these stupid contrax are real or not , lol . I am having a lot of them right now , but they don 't really hurt , they are just enough to notice them . There is a little back ache with them . I know that if I wait until they are really awful that will mean I am in transition and it will only be 20 more minutes , so that is too late , lol . But I don 't want to go in too early either . I 'd rather be at home ignoring the contrax than in the hospital , bored , unable to ignore them . And they would undoubtedly start me on pitocin anyway , and then want to break my water , and then for sure it would hurt , lol . Aargh it would just be easier if I had this baby at home ! I can 't do anything right now anyway , because Chris took the van to work so he could drop it off for inspection , so I am stuck at home with no vehicle . I would have to wait for him to get home , and then we would have to wait for someone to come watch the boys before he could drive me in . Hmm , so maybe I will have the baby at home LOL . But it is more likely that I will still be sitting here tomorrow and the next day , wondering . * sigh * I confess , I was secretly hoping my doctor would have been right , and I would have actually gone into labor on my own this weekend . No such luck . Just wimpy contractions yesterday . Chris didn 't go to his reunion ; he was just sure that if he did I * would * go into labor , and I 'd be home alone . He changed his plans then , to taking 2 boys ( of my choice ) with him into the office to start cleaning out his desk . He wanted to do it on the weekend when his boss wouldn 't be there ; they were not getting along so well last week . But in the end , he decided to wake up late and hang around the house , send me out shopping , then mow the lawn when I got home ! Ugh , no break from the kids at all ! He did at least make them lunch and dinner . I had plenty of useless contractions while out shopping , so I had to lay down for a while when I got home . Of course they went away as soon as I lay down . Today would be a good day for me to have the baby , but I don 't see it happening . Tomorrow is not so good , because we are supposed to drop the van off for inspection . I have no idea how Chris is planning to arrange getting me to the hospital when the van is gone , but hey , he scheduled it . Let him figure it out , lol . Well , here 's how it went yesterday . We did end up going to the homeschool meeting at the park . It was pretty dry , just some muddy patches , but it was windy and pretty cold . Low 60 's I think . The kids warmed up easily enough by running around with the other kids and playing . They spent most of the time on the merry - go - round , and Troyer told me on the way home that he was feeling pretty sick from being on it so long , LOL . The moms all sat at a picnic table and talked . I got some good advice for when we move ; one of the moms knows of a big group of homeschoolers in our new area and will give me the name of some contacts so I can find out what 's up down there , and I won 't be totally on my own . I was worried about that . We were at the park about 2 hours ; I had at least 4 good contrax during that time , and was generally crampy the whole rest of the time . Not pleasant . After the meeting I drove to the bank and got the kids McDonald 's for lunch , as I had promised them . I had planned also to do some shopping while we were out , but I was not up for it , so we just drove back home , still feeling crampy . I don 't know how many more contrax I had , since I was ignoring them . I tried to get the kids off my back when we got home , I was tired from wondering if I was actually going to go into labor ; I tried to take a little nap while they played legos and watched a movie . Chris got home late ; I was imagining him getting cornered by his boss and being miserable , but nope , he was on the phone with a friend who was congratulating him on leaving , LOL . This friend had worked with Chris before , but left the company about 2 years ago . I was a little annoyed that he was late coming home ; I needed a break . The boys were really wired , for some reason . He did let me come upstairs and hide from them for a while , and made them dinner for me , and then came up and let me vent for a little bit ; I felt much better afterwards . I was still having contrax last night , here and there , so I was hoping that maybe something really would happen this weekend , but I woke up this morning , and I hadn 't had any all night , and I 'm back to the whimpy b - h contrax again this morning . : - ( So I guess it will not be today . At least the crampy feeling from having my membranes stripped is gone . So my goal is Monday again , lol . The baby is still floating pretty high , I am also hoping the head will engage soon . It always makes my doctor nervous to see them float because if the water breaks the cord may get compressed by the head . It would be nice to have just * one * thing he doesn 't worry about this time , lol . A friend of mine at chat last night found a few links to medical abstracts that directly contradicted what my doctor told me at my appointment , about being at greater risk for rupture the more VBACs I have . These actually quoted studies which showed that women with previous VBACs had a higher success rate of labor than those whose previous pg ended in a C section . It made me feel a little better to read those ; I wonder what the heck stuff my doctor is reading . I have been very emotional the last few days . It is strange because for this whole pregnancy I have been so much on an even keel , not getting too upset about anything . I don 't know , maybe it is the stress of the coming job change and move , plus knowing the baby is coming soon . Unfortunately it is surfacing in my brain as worry . My doctor had to point out once again that he had read even more studies about uterine rupture during VBACs . He even went so far as to say that women with successful previous VBACs were at higher risk . I 'm sorry but that just sounds so dumb I can 't believe it was published anywhere . I asked him , did these studies take into account the type of incision , or the quality of healing from the first C ? What about the general health of the current pg when the rupture occurred ? He didn 't really have answers for me , which tells me it 's not something I need to worry about , but of course he has planted it in my brain and I can 't shake it loose . What if this is going to be my last baby , not by my choice ? What if he has to do an emergency hysterectomy ? What if he is using this as an excuse to do one ? ( See ? now I 've sunk into paranoia ! ) From there my brain makes an easy leap to What if there is something wrong with the baby ? What if the baby is breech and I have no choice on the C section anyway ? Etc etc etc . And it 's driving me nuts . So now when I think about the baby coming in a few days , which I don 't feel ready for yet , it makes me want to cry . What a waste , I should be anticipating it and getting excited , but instead it depresses me . I 've always been normally worried about things with each pg , but now with this one , I 'm actually bordering on being scared . My head tells me not to bother , what can I do about any of it ? But the tears want to come out anyway . I had my appointment tonight . The doctor says I 'm at 3 . 5 cm now , and the trip is definitely out . He thinks I will have the baby this weekend . I laughed at him . He said he wants me to come in in early labor , not wait until the heavy stuff ; I laughed again . I told him for me , * now * is early labor . I don 't have regular contrax that I have to wait to get closer . I don 't have any at all . I just dilate . He didn 't have an answer to that , lol . He stripped my membranes , which I didn 't appreciate , but perhaps he misunderstood when I said that any time next week would be fine , because of Chris ' new job . He also said that * if * I make it to next Thursday 's appointment , to bring my hospital bag with me , because if I 'm 5 cm or more he 's going to make me go check in . He doubts still that I would make it to Thursday . I am trying to make it to just Monday or Tuesday , then I don 't care . Actually , Monday is better , because Chris has the van scheduled for inspection on Tuesday , and it really needs to get done . It would be easier to arrange if the baby were already born . Now , since my appointment , I 've been having the same stupid contrax , only they hurt , and now I have to wonder if they are real or not . It was easier to ignore them before . I told Chris to go ahead and go on Sunday without me , I could use a nice quiet day with the boys gone , and that would insure the baby did not come , lol ; but he is afraid to leave me alone . I guess I can 't blame him , but what a pain . I hate to make him miss this reunion , he was really looking forward to it . Tomorrow morning I am supposed to be taking the boys to a Homeschool Group picnic . It is at a park with lots of shade , which means it is likely to be soggy from yesterday 's rain . It is also supposed to be quite cool tomorrow , not even getting up to 70 , while our meeting is at 10 am . I 'm not sure I want to go . But I know the boys do , so I guess we will . Posted by We had another hot day here today , but not as bad as the last few days . I couldn 't get the boys to go outside ; why are my kids abnormal ? ? ? I thought you couldn 't keep boys inside ? Only my youngest wanted out . I finally lured them outside by telling them they could play Play Doh . They are only allowed to play out on the picnic table with it . They make such a complete mess with it that even in a kitchen with a vinyl floor , I couldn 't control it . They step in it , they sit in it . Ugh . So it is only for outside . They did enjoy that , at least . It finally rained here this afternoon , it was supposed to come yesterday . Boy , when it hit , it really hit ! We had about an inch fall in just over an hour . Luckily it was that brief too , so no water in the basement . The rain was supposed to bring cooler weather with it , but so far that has not made its way into the house . Ick , still hot and sticky in here . I have another prenatal appointment tomorrow evening . I am looking forward to it . I have been having annoying braxton - hicks contractions more and more often , and they are stronger and stronger . They have gone from annoying to distracting . But not disruptive yet . I am anxious to see if they have been doing any good . Chris ' 20th High School reunion is this Sunday ; it is about 2 . 5 hours away . He has been looking forward to it for over a year ( weird , I know , who actually wants to go to those things ? ? ? LOL ) and we are planning to go , just for the day . Normally we would stay overnight , but his mother just had surgery a few weeks ago and we don 't want to invade her house with all the kids while she is still recovering . So we are planning to go down just for the afternoon family picnic . It should be fun ; all the alumni will be there with spouses and children . Chris actually wants to go to that more than the fancy dinner the night before . I am disappointed to miss the dinner , lol . Anyway , depending on what the doctor says tomorrow , I may not make it . I was 2 cm last week ; I think if I am past a 4 tomorrow , maybe I 'd better not go . I am going to try to talk Chris into taking the kids down without me , though . I 'd hate for him to miss it . Of course , I could still go ; maybe I 'd win a prize for something , like Youngest Baby at the Reunion ? That would be after I pop it out on one of the picnic tables , LOL . Chris says if I went into labor , he 'd stuff us in the van and drive me home to my own doctor . Oh joy , just what I 'd want , to be in a 12 passenger van for 2 . 5 hours while in labor ! Well , it probably wouldn 't happen , anyway . But hey , if it did , what a post for my blog that would be ! LOL First off , let me say , we had a great weekend here . The weather cooled off slightly , though it was still hot at church . I have to wear sneakers , even with skirts , now , to avoid too much swelling in my ankles , but that meant I couldn 't secretly slip my shoes off while sitting in the pews , lol . I felt a little better once we went downstairs for lunch afterwards , it 's much cooler in the basement . I took all the boys home and let Chris stay to talk to his friends . Usually it 's me staying while he brings everyone home ; I thought it would be nice to give him a turn : - ) Saturday evening I made strawberry shortcakes for dinner . I have been buying blueberries and strawberries with the intent of making them for several weeks now , but each time I get the berries washed , I 'd eat them before I made the shortcakes , lol . Finally I was good and shared . I make simple drop cakes with Bisquick , and use Cool Whip . Yum yum . On Sunday we spent the morning cleaning up the house . We were invited to dinner at a friend 's house , but we weren 't sure if it was going to rain . We had already had to reschedule twice because of rain , so we offered to have the dinner inside at our house if it rained again . They are building an addition on the back of their house , and the yard is pure mud when it rains . We got lucky , though , and the weather stayed warm and clear all day . Sometime just after lunch Chris noticed a swarm of bugs out in the yard . We watched them for a while as they floated over a bush and into our pine tree . Finally they seemed to settle down so we went out to investigate ; it was a HUGE swarm of bees ! Now we have a huge nest in the tree , the kind you see on tv with the bees just dripping off of it . I will be calling the exterminator soon ! Finally it was time to leave , and we headed out . The boys were very excited to be visiting this family ; they have 5 children also , and are part of our homeschool group , so they get along well . As soon as we got there the boys changed into suits and jumped right in the pool . It was chilly because they Posted by |
I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . Light beams through every small hole or slash without mistake . Anything open will be filled with it 's energy that came from something that gave it up upon death . Energy cannot be destroyed . It must go somewhere . So in part , when something dies , it travels to us and becomes a part of us . We become a part of their story , and theirs ours . My father suspended his energy . I was 12 when he was about to die of liver cancer , then was immediately placed into a machine that froze his body to a temperature that would " preserve him . " My mom told me I 'd see him again in this world , and that he wasn 't dead like grandma . He was just sleeping until something wonderful would wake him . I always believed he would wake like she said . I never closed the book as a child . I waited . I waited until I was no longer willing to wait and I stopped believing . He was dead , and I was cheated of saying goodbye . My father was a pianist . He was famous for pretty much everything he did . He also sang . He also was an actor . He also wrote screenplays , and once wrote a novel . He never paid too much attention to anyone else . He also was an alcoholic . He was stoic , then angry and violent , then stoic . He slept - in most days until at least 2 PM , and worked on his projects throughout the night . He drank all day and whenever I saw him . So why would I even care right ? I was connected to him in a way I cannot explain . I don 't miss him though . I don 't think much about him at all . I never knew the guy . My mom says he was once pretty great , but even she couldn 't find any reason to stay at the end . He got sick , we moved away . The last thing he said to me was " Why are you staring at me ? Look away . " This came directly after he had called my mother a bitch , and I was shocked into looking at him . The asshole had himself frozen he was so arrogant . So talented , but so awful . He never did accept that I was not him . I am gifted at literally nothing . I am as average as you get . I got average grades , graduated from and average college with an average psychology degree that I don 't use . I got a job in the automotive industry as a laborer , and make average money . . . relatively speaking . So you can see his disappointment when I couldn 't and didn 't want to play even " Chopsticks " on the piano . The very first conscious thought or feeling I had was my sense of hearing . I couldn 't tell at first whether it was a dream or real . I had at least thousands of unique images in my head that I don 't remember any context to . What I heard was different that dreaming . I had been " kind of " dreaming for 30 years . I remember the face of a woman that re - occurred . No idea who she was or what she wanted from me . At times I heard the music , but so distant that I could only barely make it out and recognize it . I remember one song in particular . I don 't think I 'd ever heard it , at least I don 't remember it . I think I would have remembered it though . It was breathtakingly sad and beautiful . Whatever limited brain activity happens during that ice age will always be unknown . I heard a man 's voice speaking in words I tried but failed to decipher . It was being born again into the world I left decades ago . I experienced limited sensual capabilities over what they told me was two weeks . Then one day I understood what they were saying and I tried to speak . I wanted to tell them that I was cold . Instead , I spoke without real words . It would take months before they would release me into the world . They had called all of my emergency numbers and the numbers were all disconnected or other people . I guess I didn 't take into account that I would awake to everyone being dead . My kids were too young to have phone numbers , so they gave me the money I had deposited with them with interest and called me a cab I guess . I walked out into a world that I didn 't recognize , nor did it recognize me . I looked for a payphone to look at the yellow pages . There was no payphone and there was no yellow pages . At the library , a nice girl showed me the internet . Don 't ask me to repeat a single thing she said , but she found my son and directed me to him . I had learned about energy from science class . It always fascinated me . During a drunken night in college , a question occurred to me ; " Where does talent go if talent is energy and energy must be funneled elsewhere ? " It didn 't go to me . It didn 't go to my mum . It didn 't go anywhere as far as I could tell . My only guess was that the bastard was holding on to it like some petty gambler who lost and turned over the table while still holding on to his money . When I opened the door , I was stunned , then shaken , then angered . I shut the door on him . I was reeling . I didn 't want to be mean to him : I just reacted . When I opened the door again , he was still standing there , except his back to me as though he were looking at my neighborhood . " What 's your birthday ? " I ask . He tells me and I know it 's him because of his voice . He had this booming voice that gripped you . " So I guess you 're feeling better then ? " I asked . He just looked at me and tears began filling his eyes . He dropped to his knees and began convulsing . He was unconscious and not responding to anything . He kept saying , " Tha tha tha tha tha . " He said nothing else . He would shake for a while , then be calm and sleep until he woke again . This went on for weeks . The physicians kept telling me it was normal . He had no where to go , so he took the guest room . He didn 't speak really . He just mumbled beneath his breath . Until he asked for grits . This was the first thing I could understand since his re - birthday . He wasn 't himself . Months went by and he was alive , but not the same person I knew then . He was actually the opposite . I asked him to play the piano that I bought just to have as furniture . He couldn 't play anything . As soon as his fingers touched the keys , he would shiver and shake , then leave the room as fast as he could . He was only interested in my kids . This is strange because he had always hated kids . He was honed in on everything I had wanted as a kid , except it creeped me out now . It was like looking at an incredibly familiar person that you 'd never met . I saw him and my heart broke . I had written about heartbreak and put it to music my entire life , but I had never felt it I don 't think until today . It hurt so very much . His face was familiar because I knew him when he was little , but also because I think I saw him while I was cold . . . maybe saw him a lot . He looked at me at first as if I wasn 't there , then closer . After a moment , I felt his eyes inside of me . He asked me my birthday , and the answer came across my lips before I could even figure it out . I panicked and tried to speak , but only looked simple . I was still the blubbering idiot I was at first thaw . In his eyes , I remembered him running around the yard in his little cape , pretending he was the most powerful force on earth . I remembered holding his little frail body when he was born . I remembered him trying to suck on my nose . in the same house I still lived in . I became a wild success . I remembered feeling so happy and so accomplished winning awards and having people notice me . It felt like being someone else . . . this huge star that would never burn out . But I can remember things now from when I was frozen . I remember emptiness . I saw myself being adored . I hated it . I didn 't deserve it . I don 't remember many specifics , but I do remember a sequence in my dreams or whatever you want to call them , that focused on me as a little boy . I was speaking to another little boy , who appeared in front of me from somewhere . He looked like my son . but he was older . I remember thinking that it was him , but wound up just staring at him . It was a memory . I was trying to play baseball with the kids from my block . I was always a band geek , but I wanted to have a friend . I kept trying to join their game . They kept refusing . I asked if I could just sit and watch or be the referee . The kid I most wanted as a friend told me to just " Go Home ! " In this sequence of dreams , I kept hearing a variation of this kid and my son shouting for me to " Go Home . " So when I woke and my body could move again . . . I went home . I travelled through a foreign world to a foreign house . But I got to look into the eyes of my son , who was anything but foreign to me . I looked at him and I saw him . It made me sad that so much time had past . My stomach drops to think about it . All of those times of celebration , mourning , and milestones were spent on earth without me . I was in a cooler when his mother died . He was alone . All of those years spent when he was just a kid one room from me . I closed the door on him . I put my fingers to the piano keys and sold my son . I never married . I didn 't want it . I never had kids . I have been lonely my entire life , waiting for something good to happen . But I wasn 't really trying either . A friend once told me that good things happen to the people that are really trying at something . Something like God helps those who helps themselves . I don 't know . I just didn 't see much use in putting in the effort for a long shot . In my first year of college , I took a creative writing class . I never thought of myself as creative or poetic or anything my father was . But I took this class because it seemed to be an easy way to get those English credits . I wrote about my father . I wrote the paper during a drunken night , the night before it was due . I wrote whatever without anxiety . I just wrote . A week later , my professor would email me . He had given me an A . I expected this , creative writing is a blow - off anyways . But he also wrote something in the email that touched something in me . He told me , " I love your words . In fact , your words continue to echo in me . But I knew it before you wrote them . You wear those words all over . Keep making words , and keep wearing them . " I felt valued and validated . I had always wanted some piece of creativity . I wanted anything but who I was . This meant a lot to me . Over the next two months , I put all of my energy into the class and writing about things that mattered to me . I got stumped with the right words and it never came naturally to me . I got C 's for the rest of the semester . On my last paper . the professor accused me of plagiarism . He told me that these essays were not written by the same author as the one about my father . I got C in the class . I never picked up a pen again to express anything . Then he shows back up and I don 't know how to take him . So I ask him where he has been . I ask him why I didn 't matter to him . " You always mattered . To me you mattered . I didn 't know how to react to feelings that felt good . Good feelings never inspired me . When I was feeling good , I couldn 't be me . I walked away not realizing that you were the very reason to play that piano , and to play beauty into the abyss . " I told him everything . He was my son and the only thing I wanted left was for him to forgive me and love me again , like when he was just a kid . But he didn 't . He asked me to leave . I left his house and walked down the street shaking . This wasn 't because I was cold . It was because I had finally felt what it feels like to be warm and then be stripped into the cold . I felt the feeling of being left when you are the most vulnerable . Like he was . I walked to a motel and checked in . I went into the bathroom and took down the shower curtain . I twisted it until it was a large rope and tied it around my neck and fastened the other end to the shower pole . I said a prayer to a God that I 've never been sure exists and I let me legs go limp and closed my eyes , trying not to struggle . I thought about my son and my wife . I thought about that beautiful song I couldn 't remember . I thought about everything and realized that for once in my life I had to try . All of this musical talent came easy . Being a good father was the hard part . The part I was terrified of . I found my legs and stood back up . I loosened the noose and went to the bed and sat down . I couldn 't watch him leave again . I was so mad at him , but I couldn 't let him go again . I followed him as he walked to the motel . I sat in my car in the parking lot just trying to figure the whole thing out . I weighed it all together . I remembered the bad times and remembered that feeling of inexplicable connection I have to him . I think about my mother and her funeral . I remember that she died still believing he would come back . It all didn 't make any sense . Why now ? I turned my key and backed out of the parking lot . I turned on to the main street and sped off as fast as I could . I wanted to be as far away as I could from my father , who left me . My father . My Father ? ! ? I stopped , got out of the car and ran to the motel door . I slammed my fist against it without anything from the other side . I banged and banged and no one answered . So I took a running start and threw my body into the door and it broke open . I found myself on the floor of the motel room looking into the eyes of my father who was sitting in the bed bewildered . He busted through the door . He was the last person I thought I would see . There was knocking on the door , but at that moment , I wasn 't up for visitors . Then he came in . He sat down next to me and we both became silent . I couldn 't figure him out . I was so confused , Why had " God " even woke me in the first place ? Why did they thaw me ? So I asked him . " Why did you come for me ? " He didn 't answer at first . He just sat there thinking about it . After grueling moments , he replied , " Because you came home . " I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I was watching this Netflix show called " Flaked . " You all should watch it . It 's funny , yet dramatic and the characters are real . In the very first episode of the second season , there was this scene that I won 't spoil . But it punched me in the gut though , like so hard that it took my breath away . The song above played during . These words cut into me . " Do I even know you ? " It 's not speaking to me about knowing you . It 's speaking about knowing myself . It hurt because when I look in the mirror most days . . . lately . . . . I don 't recognize the person I 'm looking at . I 'm just a person looking at a person . I stand in the shower , the place that I used to do most of my praying , and I find someone just trying to get clean and get out . The problem is that I can 't just get clean and get out . I have to put in the work and I don 't want to . For me to get clean , I have to let go of some things that will bring me great pain to let go of . I 'm not ready to do that . I 'm not sure I 'll ever be ready to do that . But I can 't continue being who I am now . It isn 't me and my entire soul is in mourning because of it . I have to find my way , apart from every dark place that lives inside of me . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . Horizon Guilt is like an old open wine that cannot be swallowed . It fills your mouth with it 's bitter gull , but you carry it around with you because you think you deserve it . It 's revolting , but you are unable to do the very simplest of things ; to spit it out and let it go . I 'm gonna start with apologies that I should have made when they were alive . I didn 't know I owed them until they were gone , because I was selfish and short sighted . In hindsight we are all geniuses right ? I have to let the guilt go now . Honestly , I 'm so tired . You called me in utter distress and I gave you the wrong advice . I should have shut my ignorant mouth and said " I don 't know . " Instead , I told you what I was programmed to tell you . I 'm so sorry . I took advantage of you like so many other people did . I should have been a person that would never do that . I should have always protected you . You spent hours fixing things for people . You got very little pay or appreciation for it . But it was your time . It was precious moments of your life . Those hours are priceless now to me . I 'd give you all of my money to get them back . I didn 't have the strength to go into that garage the day you died and face you . When Joe called me , I went into a different place and went to the basement and sat on a laundry basket . I sat there not knowing what to do . I took the longest route to your house trying to figure out how to handle what was about to cross my life . I walked inside and did not go there to face you . Everyone else did . Not me . It was a cowardly thing to do . If I could do it again , I would have been braver . You were so much work . You lied all the time . You were always crying wolf . I knew you were in trouble . I acted , but not in the ways I should have . At some point , I forgot about that enormous heart you had for me and my family . I forgot that you would have always died for me . That 's one of the biggest regrets of my entire life Joe . This one sits in my stomach . I swallowed this bad wine . It sits in my stomach now . I didn 't respond to your text . You texted me the morning you left . I didn 't hear it because I decided to leave my job for another that required me to work nights for a time . You texted me at 10 : 12 AM . I had worked until 7 : 30 that morning . I responded at 2 : 58 PM when I woke . I didn 't get a response . Like all of their family and friends , I 'm finding my way out . I 'm trying to find a way to enjoy the sun again . I 've made some bad habits that I need to remedy , and I 'm almost ready to do that . I have to cut my emotional attachment to feeling bad for something that they did . In the end , they were grown adults that made these terrible decisions that changed the lives of everyone around them . My brother Andy told me in a text the night Joe died , that I had no reason to be blamed . Joe had laid waste to everyone that loved him . I get it now . I didn 't then . I could only see guilt . Those left behind , get to deal with the disaster they left behind . We end up trying to fix people that you broke . I went through some photographs yesterday . There were so many of you two fooling around . I looked at the photos and realized that they didn 't make me hurt in my chest . They made me smile like the photos of my kids when they were babies did . This wasn 't always the case . Most times when I see photos of us together , I get and instant stomach ache and it doesn 't leave until I pay some penance , usually in the form of an embarrassingly honest post on this blog . I 've settled in to a life without you two in it . The adjustment period was pretty strenuous , and I 'm not saying that 's over , but the the crisis part is . I 'm enjoying watching my kids grow and become their dreams . I 'm enjoying a marriage that is based more on quirky loving banter and less about what lies beneath our everyday speech . I think about them everyday , but now I smile . They aren 't always ghosts . Sometimes now , they are memories that remind me that I need to be a better person in this sometimes terrible world . I need to fight harder . I need to work on myself and close open doors to darkness . All that being said , I 'll never stop being sad I don 't think . I don 't want to . I think sadness allows me to empathize with others . I think it 's the reason why God let it happen in the first place . He knit me together knowing I would be garbage to some people . At least I would experience it that way . He also knew about that unspeakable joy I would have in my heart when I got everything I had ever wanted . He gave me everything and took some too . In the end , I 'm smiling and happy . I am absolutely broken , but full . My wife is the difference . They resemble her the most in the way they present themselves . They respect themselves and know the difference between good and bad because of her . She is my hero and also theirs . I am happy and fulfilled because of her . I happy because of them . God knew she would be the person who saved me . I 'll never figure out why my brothers were able to do what they did . I don 't have to . For once in my life , I don 't have to . They did it , and the " why " is over . I 'll always miss them , but I don 't need to keep that wine in my stomach . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I ran as fast as I could . There wasn 't even a bike I could borrow . I just ran , hoping I could outrun my death . I got about a block away from my house before I began to doubt that I would make it . My mom was special . She had cancer . Cancer isn 't special . Cancer is a Satan and he was going to take her from me at 5 years old , I just knew it . I just remember feeling so hopeless watching the world darken and turn into terrifying shapes I will never forget . The wind picked up and the sky got really dark . I ran past the Whitakers and their wind chimes were singing a terrible song . Garbage cans and newspapers flew everywhere . But I pushed forward to my house , that held my mother . Me and my mom used to write on each other 's backs at night . It was a fun game that we always played , no matter what . She would draw either a word or a picture on my back and I would guess . When one of us made a mistake , we would erase the entire palate like one would a chalk board . I would draw on her back , and she would draw on mine . We would do this until one of us didn 't turn around for their turn . Then the other would know they were asleep , and then go to sleep themselves . Going to sleep felt so lonely to me . I rarely slept first . I always waited for her . I had to protect her . Who else would ? My dad left before I was born . I didn 't have any siblings . I was the only " man . " He left before I was born , denying all kinds of things . She didn 't drag me through it . . . she walked away , risking our well being for my dignity . And now here I am running from a dark siege toward my home that I grew up in ; that hadn 't been fortified or fixed in decades , to get to my mom . I needed her and she needed me . We were each other 's cure for loneliness . We were also each other 's cures to the terror in the world . The wind blew me down to the ground , planting my face into a wheat bail . I got up immediately and started running , while also staggering toward the front door . The wind struck again , throwing me onto the bending stalks of corn . I got up again and set my eyes to my home . I ran toward the door as the wind pushed me to the right , then suddenly to the left . The front door burst open and there she was . My mom came running out . I knew she would . I knew she had to be there . I was scared she wouldn 't be , but I just knew she would . The wind blew her down the moment she stepped out of the house . She got back up and forged ahead to me . I wasn 't as brave as I was a moment ago . When I saw her , I became a kid again . I was scared and showing it . She fell several times before she reached out her hand and grabbed onto my shirt . She pulled me to her chest , then dragged me staggering to our house , closing the door before we were sucked out . There was this time that she wrote on my back that I had gotten the honor of captain of the safeties of the fifth grade . Another time . she wrote that grandma had died , then wrote that she was sorry . Another time , she wrote that the Tigers had won the world series . I laughed and shook my fist in victory at this . Then the time came that she wrote that she had cancer , and would have to leave me . She didn 't write all of those words , but that 's what I got . She erased what she wrote at least a dozen times before she let it go to me . I had made it home . She pulled me by the hand to the bathtub and as we sat in it she was sitting with her back to the storm and me sitting between her legs , with her arms wrapped tight around me . I felt safe . I was home , and that was all I needed to be . The wind blew the roof off and sucked every piece of furniture out of the house . It was a slowly twisting mass of darkness that took all of our things and brought down the wall joists and load bearing walls on top of us . Everything was shaking and I could hear my mom grown as objects hit us from every side . I heard her pray to God for help . I heard her cry and beg for God to save me . . . Me . Hours later , we laid at the bottom of a lot of rubble . We couldn 't see sunlight or hear any commotion . We just laid there in the bathtub , below everything that makes a house . I felt a familiar finger on my back . She said , What do you call chase . . . no cheese . . . that 's not your own ? I had already heard it , but I shrugged my shoulders anyway . I pretended to laugh at her answer by shaking my tiny diaphragm . She wrote everything about her life on my back and kept shaking me to keep me awake . She wrote that she loved me so many times I lost count . I couldn 't answer , something kept me from speaking . There a was a pressure on my chest and a weakness in my throat . We laid there until be both fell into a deep sleep . To be honest , I fell asleep first . I don 't know how long she wrote on my back . I don 't want to know . But I do know that at the darkest point of consciousness , I saw the sunlight . I opened my eyes to it first and immediately looked for her . Things were blurry , but I found her hand hanging from a gurney . I tried to get up . I tried to shout to her . I couldn 't produce anything that would disrupt the atmosphere . I thought she was dead . I fell asleep again . Then I heard her voice . I looked to my left and she was reaching for me . I grabbed her hand and we both cried for very different and the very same reasons . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . When something dies , it 's body begins to shut down , starting from the least important organs to the most . Our anatomy is really intelligent and reactive to our physical and emotional situation . Eventually , without a cure , the body will begin to let go of it 's most important organs . . . until the heart succumbs and the rhythm of that soul has ceased . Everything that person has experienced has become an archive . Very few will remember him and even less as the years add to their numbers . 1 % of the earth 's total population will be remembered by the future . 99 % will go off into oblivion without a soul eventually remembering their existence . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I sat in the corner of the room furthest from anyone that would notice me . I sat biting my nails . I have the hardest time with crowds because I feel like they are all looking at me . I say strange things and have a twitch that begs people to ask questions that make me even more nervous . I came to the party because I needed something different . I 've grown tired of living where no one else dwells . I 'm in a basement , staring out of a blurred glass block window at the sounds that resinate from other peoples lives . Their lives were filled with laughter and I wanted that . I wanted to let every part of myself go . I went to the party : I used the same coping mechanisms my father ; who was stricken with the same fear , taught me whenever I refused to let it go . " When you decide to see the world , go to the corners and watch for your moment , " he would say . I haven 't spoken to him in a decade . He passed on holding my mom 's hand as he let the leukemia take him suddenly . He was working on the fire pit in the back yard and collapsed . It took the disease two days to take him from us . I was about to leave the party . I had lost hope of any " moment " happening that would change anything going on in me . I thought about what he had said to me and it made me mad , because he was wrong , but even more it made me miss my dad so much . I was almost in tears when I felt the cold rush of some kind of fluid run down my back like a knife to my lungs . I turned and looked at her right in the eyes as she stood over me sitting on the basement stairs . She grinned and offered no apology . I looked at her again , this time with a little anger in my face . She smiled at me full out . " What ? Really ? " I said . She just looked at me . I nodded and got up from the stairs to meet her hand on my shoulder pushing me back down . " You 're an idiot , " she said . " All of this life in this room , and you 're in the shadow of it , playing with the assholes in your mind telling you to stay out of it . I just looked at her . She was beautiful . She was so pretty that I couldn 't speak . I had seen her before in a couple of undergrad classes . She was always loud and making jokes . As far as I could see , she didn 't have a lot of friends , but she was always engaging people . Like , this guy did an assigned presentation in front of a class of 100 students and at the end part when he asked if there were questions , she asked five . None of the questions were really answered . I didn 't know what to say to her , so I said , " I 'm just putting the feelers out . " She laughed at that and sat down next to me , right in a puddle she had purposely made with the drink she had purposely dumped down my back . " My mom was crazy you know , " she said and continued , " She kept setting things on fire until she ended up in an institution . How does that make you feel ? " she asked . " It makes me feel bad for you , " I reply . " See that 's the thing ; people always want to feel bad when someone tells them a bad story . It 's a part of human nature that is flawed . People want to respond by saying they 're sorry because they imagine their mom being mentally sick . They project their lives onto others . They never want to think about the alternative way of feeling . They don 't want to think that the other was spared from a life of terror and even death by fire from an unstable person incapable of loving . " I didn 't know what to say , so I didn 't . " My dad raised me alone . He never did a single thing wrong . He was too anxious to make mistakes . I think my mom and dad attracted to each other because of their similarities . It was their differences that saved my life . She let it all go and burned down all of us . He kept his white knuckles on the reins and held me behind him as he took the bullets . " " Where is he ? " I ask . " He died in a house fire in the middle of the night the year I went away to college , " she replied and continued . " He took her back and she wrecked the world that keeps spinning all around us . It 's funny when you think about that . In reality , we circle the sun , revolving around every day that revolves into years . The entire time , we think the world is revolving around us . " She got up and walked away , through the small hallway and out the front door . Everything inside of me screamed in my father 's voice , " This Is Your Moment ! ! ! ! ! ! " I took a few really fast breathes and got up and ran to the door chasing her . I reached her as she was about to get into her car . " I want to know you ! " I said in an urgent tone that I regretted , but not really . I did want to know her . She seemed to see right through me like she knew me , and I wanted to see her . She looked at me and kissed me on the lips . The entire world became still and watched this moment as the world spinned around the sun slowly . I felt my body tremble incessantly and my fear begin to melt into the moment of kissing my first love . . . kissing this girl I barely knew , but somehow was the closest person to me in the entire world . A tear rolled down her face as she looked at me . She didn 't say anything . She held my face in front of hers with her hands and looked directly into my soul . It seemed like an hour , but was only minutes . It took a few seconds for it all to implode me as she got into the car and drove away , leaving me without any words . I hit my knees and just stared into the sky . I felt like I was aligning with the world and we were becoming a part of each other . And she was gone . I searched the entire earth for her for years and years until I gave up searching . I graduated university and got a degree in bioengineering . I was successful from the very start . I made a million dollars my first year out of college and almost doubled that the next due to investments . None of it made any sense . I was being driven by a force that was a ghost . She was so active inside me , yet no where to be found . I worked as if she could see me , because I always pictured her watching me from wherever she was . Ten years after college I was sitting on the bench in front of a hot dog stand eating a coney I had bought . I was reading the paper and on the seventh page of the " local news " section , it read , " Body found in Gregory Park identified as Sophie Hawkins . " The article contained a photograph of the only love of my life , just as I had remembered her . I saw her photo and lost my heart onto the cement . I had missed her for so long and here she was in the newspaper , telling me she had gone missing the night we met . Everyone in the world was searching for Sophie as I was ; only to find her lying as bones in the brush behind an old abandoned horse shoe pit . They didn 't ever figure out what happened to her . She was a ghost to me that I would never know anything about . But what I hold on to is the moment she put the guts inside me to chase her . That night , she was the " moment " my father was talking about . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I live in a square box . I look up and there is this square that restricts the rain , and also my accidental ascension into the sky . I live in squares . Little boxes sitting next to little boxes . One of those boxes is covering my son . He is a typical teenager . He can be annoying sometimes , and maddening others . But if I were to have a pick over who will be left standing in the end . . . I 'd pick him . He has suffered a lot , yet there is an inner strength that I see and admire so much about him . He isn 't an average kid to me . Just like your kid isn 't average to you . We are hopefully all proud parents . Under another square ceiling in her box is my daughter . She is sensitive and picks up on the most subtle of nuances . She would walk through fire for those she loves . Her fuse is short for people because she expects a lot from them , but she will fight and claw her way to whatever she sets her eyes on . She will always see through your bullshit . Just like her mom . It 's like a super power really . Under a box that lives over an hour from me , lives this adult little girl that has no idea the emotion it brought the first time she called me dad . She is a strong girl and so smart and seemingly unaffected by the awful in the world . She is beautiful in every way . I lie under my own square that I share with this girl I met . We didn 't really make any plans when we got married . We only knew that we wanted each other to be old with . Still do . Marriage takes a lot of heat because of it 's ever increasing failure rate . I can 't speak on that because I am so happily married . This isn 't " bragadocious , " it is truth . When people decide to make promises , they do everything they can to keep them . That 's marriage . It 's not about me , it 's about every person in square boxes connected to you . There are little boxes that hold our parents in their homes , nursing homes , or hospitals . Little boxes that hold our grandparents in the ground . Little boxes that hold my brothers ' ashes . Little boxes hold and protect everything . I think the point is that people make boxes to protect what is precious to them from the elements . No one wants those that they love to not have a place in the earth . My kids each have their own rooms , thank God . But on nights when my youngest daughter is tired and vulnerable , she opts always to sleep in her brother 's room on the top bunk . This is connection . We feel comfort when we are next to people that we trust , even if they piss us off a lot . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I got into youth ministry because I was one of the lost children . I felt what no one ever wants to feel . After the worst things happened , I found myself covered in God . I dedicated all of myself to letting other kids like me know that they are not alone , and that even if they didn 't feel it from any human . . . they are loved . At the very least by their maker from very far and very near . I did a very thankless and grueling ministry for the next 11 years . Youth ministry could be described to sports fans as college football recruiting , except , no one wants to come to your program . You come to them and plead . . . because you care . They almost always walk away from you laughing at you . But the real reason you stay is because some of them say yes . Usually , they are the most rejected ones . They are the ones who live invisible lives . They are looking for meaning anywhere . They are usually the ones abused for false pretenses . I never came to anyone with false pretenses . I told them all that living as a Christian in this world would be hard . I told them that people will reject you because of your faith . I wasn 't a good youth pastor in the eyes of many . I didn 't look at the implications of some of the things I did . I didn 't know how to make my vision happen . I didn 't know how to make a small group of kids into a successful youth group that could withstand the endless cycle of teenagers . At this time , people demanded numbers in churches and youth groups . Everyone wanted a megachurch . People were wrong , and the right churches were dying because of it . They were being swallowed by megachurches with big production . I taught them differently . I spoke to the teenagers like I would have when I was a teenager . I told them the unpopular truth ; that life was gonna suck for some of them for a good amount of time . I told them that nothing that they wanted would come from faith alone . It all would come from hard work . I didn 't believe that God dealt with handing out free successes to people that weren 't trying . I wanted the kids to know that their value would be placed on how God sees them and how hard they worked to earn their place in whatever part of this world they chose to dwell . I used words sometimes that the " church " wouldn 't approve of to reach them . I went a long distance to reach them . I faced some criticism from some people in our congregation . Some of them wanted to see numbers to justify my employment . The numbers weren 't bad at about 30 teenagers , but they didn 't justify to them the 30 K that was being spent on me . I started at 30K and ended at 30K a decade and change later . It hurt at the time , but I can see it . People wanted to have a building they could call home and were frustrated with the transient church . They were tired . I was on the chopping block . Meanwhile , the church was teeming with young men and women that had come through the youth group , serving those that wished to demolish it . It was absurd . But I couldn 't take the heartbreak of having my low paying and thankless job in jeopardy of being cut every year for the desire for bricks . I went back to school out of fear and some common sense insight . I was going to be terminated because I couldn 't be who some of them wanted me to be . It would happen eventually . I was wildly supported for the first few years , but I could not keep myself from the thought that I was not valued as a minister to the teenagers of our community . I didn 't know how to convince them otherwise . Then something happened that ended my hopes of keeping the career I had loved so much and hoped to keep forever . My best friend took his life . Part of the difficulties with taking on the role of trying to help troubled youth , is that you have to learn to lose them . I lost a lot of them and I had tried so hard not to . But losing my best friend to suicide ; the best friend that had protected me from suicide . . . that broke me . I lost faith in everything . His name was Will . He always loved me unconditionally . Whatever drive or passion I had to continue being the youth pastor that focused on troubled kids was evaporated . I was evaporated . I wasn 't the person my wife had married . I was angry and right back in the same angry place I was when I had started . I was lost . I obviously couldn 't do the job anymore , so I quit because it hurt so bad to try . It was like a fake and stupid betrayal of what I was actually feeling to tell these kids that life gets better . I had forgotten that life isn 't supposed to get better . Just like a stupid American would . It wasn 't out of anger or resolve . I just couldn 't do it anymore . This was my dream job . I can honestly tell you that I haven 't been happy since . But I could not lie . I could not continue being passionate about things I didn 't know if I believed anymore . It was gut wrenching to leave the service beside 2 of the most honest , kind , and intelligent pastors I could imagine . It hurt so bad that I accepted the reaffirmation of my position and had to go back and decline later . My heart was spilling over and I didn 't know how to cope with feeling out of control . Before I realized God . . . at my lowest point in my entire life : I laid on some train tracks . Miracles happened to save me . I had spent so much time trying to figure out what and why I was alive . I had to finally admit that God loved me . It was hard to do that because I was born with 2 strikes against me it seemed . I never caught a break . Then out of no where , I got everything I had ever wanted . I got this wife who has laughed with me in every joy , and held my head up in all of these sorrows . She is an angel . I got these kids that are perfect to me , no matter what they do . It gives me a better picture of the grace of God . I tried to recover . I couldn 't . A few years later , after so much turmoil , Joe would kill himself too . Another brother . Another reason to believe that life is a cruel joke that gives you your dreams , then strips them from you like some prank where everyone is laughing but you . So I stayed away . I tried to work on Sundays . I tried to make any plans I could on Sundays , so I wouldn 't have to go . Sometimes I would just lay in bed staring at the ceiling . But every once in a while , I would go to church on Sunday . Every single time , I felt joy in my heart . I felt the desire to let it go and fall into wherever God is taking me . I wanted so badly to embrace what I let go . I miss them . I cannot seem to fix the things that have been broken in me . In my heart , there was resentment , unforgiveness , and anger . I didn 't want to go because I didn 't want anything to do with God . Because He was disassembling me again , when I was happy . I felt as though God had hurt me . I guess this throws a wrench in my understanding of God and who He is related to who I am . To put it frankly , He is a perfect God and I am an idiot who doesn 't understand what 's even happening to me ; because I cannot find a way to be perfect . This is sin . This is the very reason I sought to help those kids . I wanted to take profoundly imperfect kids and let them see a God that sees them perfectly . Like I once did . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . A modern day anti - depressant deals with the amount of serotonin that is sent and received from the brain . This chemical controls different emotions that rule a person 's life . Those with an imbalance in this chemical will have a difficult time being human here , with or without the medicine . I 'll go quietly in the night , unlike when I came screaming in the day , I 'll go remaining who I am . I 'll go because the entirety of my life has been torture with this hope of getting better that has faded out like a light shining in the night , devoid of power . I 'll go to sleep and it will all be over soon . The medication stops the brain from telling you that you are sad . But it doesn 't tell you that you are happy either . It just makes you look at things for too long without any reason for watching . So I stopped taking them . I stopped everything because things don 't get better just because people tell you they will . " The drugs don 't work , they just make you worse , but I know I 'll see your face again . " These are lyrics from the last song I remember remembering the words to . Then everyone I loved died in the fire , and it was only me and my thoughts . In a lonely hotel . Alone . This was the last entry into my journal before I started running . I had been an avid runner before , but nothing serious . I found that running would solve some anxieties I had in life . I had a lot . Now I need to do it to save my life . I started running west . I had brought only a cell phone and a small bag . I needed so badly to see humanity again . I ran from Michigan through Ohio and Indiana . I ran straight through the middle of America . I carried no money with me . I only asked for assistance with lodging and food from the internet forums . I really needed to see that there was still beauty in the world , and that someone could love someone they didn 't know just because they were human . The news started following me in vans at one point . I guess I was looked at as a charity case or a mad man . . . I don 't know . I had met so many people that took me into their houses at night . They were so nice and I shared everything with them . There was not reason to hold back . Might as well be completely honest with them . I got some advice from wise old women and I got some help from athletes about my pains . My legs hurt so badly . But everything else hurt worse , so I could take it . I spoke to a single woman who took me in . . . a man . She gave me a bed to sleep in because of my letter that I posted . I had posted a call for help before I left running to every city that I would be stopping in on my run to the Grand Canyon . This woman sat on the porch with me and shared a bottle of wine with me . She told me about her failure in marriage and her fears about loving again . I just listened and stared into the beautiful sky that hovers above everyone everywhere . She was soft spoken and gentle and careful about her words . She reminded me of my wife , who is dead . She was a real person in a world full of data people . I met a man who had a hook - up with a bed in the basement of a bolt factory . He worked there during the day and slept to the hum of the machines at night . There was this exhaust fan that blew hot air out of the back of the building . They let him put a mattress on the ground in front of it outside to sleep and keep warm at night . At first , I thought what you may be thinking ; that it isn 't much good . But when this man invited me to stay with him there , I laid down in front of it and felt it 's heat and spent the night looking up at the stars with an overwhelming wonder and joy of being alive . I got the knowledge that everywhere is home to someone . I met so many wonderful people . I got up every morning and put on my shoes and my pack and started running again . I ran thinking about all that I had seen . When I was a kid , I had an ingrown toe nail . I went to the doctor and he snapped a rubber band on my other toe right before he pulled out the piece of the ingrown toenail . It was to distract me from the pain of pulling out a nail . It worked then . It didn 't work now . The distractions didn 't work because the original pain is permanent . There isn 't a distraction big enough , but I 'll try still . . . because of them . I learned to live with all of the pain on my trip pounding against the surface of the very earth I was born on . The inside of my legs were worn bloody , despite my use of lubricant . My feet were deformed and agonizing . My shoulders felt heavy . Everything felt too heavy and I always felt that I couldn 't bear the weight . But I did . I kept standing . I want to see humanity again desperately . I want to suffer one last time . I want my suffering to become a witness to my family . My wife . My two daughters . My two sons ; they all left this world screaming in agony . So that 's why I run . I had been sitting on my porch without anything to do with my hands . I didn 't much care for anything else , so I started running to the Grand Canyon , because that was the place I most found myself in wonder . The carving of the rocks and the depth of the fall . These were the things that drew me there . I just knew that I had to release their ashes to the abyss and move on . I was an orphan . I was raised by everyone , good and bad . When I met her at the dance I knew she was my entire future . I felt it . I just knew . She did too . We married and we had 4 kids , two boys , two girls . I made life long bonds with all of them . They became the reason I got up for work every day . My girls and my boys . My two boys were just about to go away to college . They were twins . We had just had their graduation party with the slideshow and the food and everything . We were all sleeping and a blazing fireball from the sky struck the roof . The blaze didn 't set in until we were sleeping . I got out only because my wife told me the kids were with her on the way out . I got to the curb and found myself alone . They wouldn 't let me go back in . What a coward I was to believe her . I think I wanted to . The house burnt down in front of me . I didn 't hear them scream . I didn 't hear anything from them . I watched the fire burn until it was coals . The news told me that my home had been struck by a small plane that had lost control during a wind storm . " The midwest is known for it 's windstorms , " the guy told me while I was waiting to be released from their emergency services . It was a moment in a series of moments that don 't feel real to me now . By the time I reached Missouri , I had become famous . My past was known to everyone . They knew my criminal record , my medical history , and my personal struggles . Everyone spoke to me as if they knew me when I reached their city . A lot of people offered me shelter , but I always asked the people that aren 't offering . During my journey , I met the best and worst of America . There were the genuine lovers of humans and there were the documentarians who filmed my every move for films that will never be produced . I was sitting in a public library watching television in the lobby when the pictures of my family reached the screen . They were telling a story that didn 't belong to them . People I had never met spoke with authority about me . Everyone seemed to be so excited that I was still on my feet . One guy said that I was what America needed right now . . . an inspiration . I got up and pushed the door open harder than I should have and ran through the night in anger . I didn 't want to be their inspiration . I didn 't want their pity or their martyr songs . I just wanted to let my family go from me . I reached Arizona broken . The climate got too hot and I found myself doing more walking than running . I felt weak and run down . People were scattered along the route shaking my hand and cheering me on . As I got closer to the canyon , the crowds got more dense and the road became a spectacle . I could hear the loud speaker near the base of the rim of the canyon . The guy was announcing my arrival . Reporters were running next to me with microphones in my face . More were waiting at the lip for me . I reached the lip and took a walk away from everyone who were congratulating me . I went into the restroom to grab my journal . I sat in front of the door so no one could follow me . This was my account of my journey : I ran alone . I would face the abyss alone . I would jump off alone . The world is full of both God and the devil . I 'm also full of both . God is with me , even if He doesn 't agree . I will go to the lip of the Grand Canyon and dump my box of family into the the place no one can return . I will not look at the crowd . I will jump . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . |
I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . Light beams through every small hole or slash without mistake . Anything open will be filled with it 's energy that came from something that gave it up upon death . Energy cannot be destroyed . It must go somewhere . So in part , when something dies , it travels to us and becomes a part of us . We become a part of their story , and theirs ours . My father suspended his energy . I was 12 when he was about to die of liver cancer , then was immediately placed into a machine that froze his body to a temperature that would " preserve him . " My mom told me I 'd see him again in this world , and that he wasn 't dead like grandma . He was just sleeping until something wonderful would wake him . I always believed he would wake like she said . I never closed the book as a child . I waited . I waited until I was no longer willing to wait and I stopped believing . He was dead , and I was cheated of saying goodbye . My father was a pianist . He was famous for pretty much everything he did . He also sang . He also was an actor . He also wrote screenplays , and once wrote a novel . He never paid too much attention to anyone else . He also was an alcoholic . He was stoic , then angry and violent , then stoic . He slept - in most days until at least 2 PM , and worked on his projects throughout the night . He drank all day and whenever I saw him . So why would I even care right ? I was connected to him in a way I cannot explain . I don 't miss him though . I don 't think much about him at all . I never knew the guy . My mom says he was once pretty great , but even she couldn 't find any reason to stay at the end . He got sick , we moved away . The last thing he said to me was " Why are you staring at me ? Look away . " This came directly after he had called my mother a bitch , and I was shocked into looking at him . The asshole had himself frozen he was so arrogant . So talented , but so awful . He never did accept that I was not him . I am gifted at literally nothing . I am as average as you get . I got average grades , graduated from and average college with an average psychology degree that I don 't use . I got a job in the automotive industry as a laborer , and make average money . . . relatively speaking . So you can see his disappointment when I couldn 't and didn 't want to play even " Chopsticks " on the piano . The very first conscious thought or feeling I had was my sense of hearing . I couldn 't tell at first whether it was a dream or real . I had at least thousands of unique images in my head that I don 't remember any context to . What I heard was different that dreaming . I had been " kind of " dreaming for 30 years . I remember the face of a woman that re - occurred . No idea who she was or what she wanted from me . At times I heard the music , but so distant that I could only barely make it out and recognize it . I remember one song in particular . I don 't think I 'd ever heard it , at least I don 't remember it . I think I would have remembered it though . It was breathtakingly sad and beautiful . Whatever limited brain activity happens during that ice age will always be unknown . I heard a man 's voice speaking in words I tried but failed to decipher . It was being born again into the world I left decades ago . I experienced limited sensual capabilities over what they told me was two weeks . Then one day I understood what they were saying and I tried to speak . I wanted to tell them that I was cold . Instead , I spoke without real words . It would take months before they would release me into the world . They had called all of my emergency numbers and the numbers were all disconnected or other people . I guess I didn 't take into account that I would awake to everyone being dead . My kids were too young to have phone numbers , so they gave me the money I had deposited with them with interest and called me a cab I guess . I walked out into a world that I didn 't recognize , nor did it recognize me . I looked for a payphone to look at the yellow pages . There was no payphone and there was no yellow pages . At the library , a nice girl showed me the internet . Don 't ask me to repeat a single thing she said , but she found my son and directed me to him . I had learned about energy from science class . It always fascinated me . During a drunken night in college , a question occurred to me ; " Where does talent go if talent is energy and energy must be funneled elsewhere ? " It didn 't go to me . It didn 't go to my mum . It didn 't go anywhere as far as I could tell . My only guess was that the bastard was holding on to it like some petty gambler who lost and turned over the table while still holding on to his money . When I opened the door , I was stunned , then shaken , then angered . I shut the door on him . I was reeling . I didn 't want to be mean to him : I just reacted . When I opened the door again , he was still standing there , except his back to me as though he were looking at my neighborhood . " What 's your birthday ? " I ask . He tells me and I know it 's him because of his voice . He had this booming voice that gripped you . " So I guess you 're feeling better then ? " I asked . He just looked at me and tears began filling his eyes . He dropped to his knees and began convulsing . He was unconscious and not responding to anything . He kept saying , " Tha tha tha tha tha . " He said nothing else . He would shake for a while , then be calm and sleep until he woke again . This went on for weeks . The physicians kept telling me it was normal . He had no where to go , so he took the guest room . He didn 't speak really . He just mumbled beneath his breath . Until he asked for grits . This was the first thing I could understand since his re - birthday . He wasn 't himself . Months went by and he was alive , but not the same person I knew then . He was actually the opposite . I asked him to play the piano that I bought just to have as furniture . He couldn 't play anything . As soon as his fingers touched the keys , he would shiver and shake , then leave the room as fast as he could . He was only interested in my kids . This is strange because he had always hated kids . He was honed in on everything I had wanted as a kid , except it creeped me out now . It was like looking at an incredibly familiar person that you 'd never met . I saw him and my heart broke . I had written about heartbreak and put it to music my entire life , but I had never felt it I don 't think until today . It hurt so very much . His face was familiar because I knew him when he was little , but also because I think I saw him while I was cold . . . maybe saw him a lot . He looked at me at first as if I wasn 't there , then closer . After a moment , I felt his eyes inside of me . He asked me my birthday , and the answer came across my lips before I could even figure it out . I panicked and tried to speak , but only looked simple . I was still the blubbering idiot I was at first thaw . In his eyes , I remembered him running around the yard in his little cape , pretending he was the most powerful force on earth . I remembered holding his little frail body when he was born . I remembered him trying to suck on my nose . in the same house I still lived in . I became a wild success . I remembered feeling so happy and so accomplished winning awards and having people notice me . It felt like being someone else . . . this huge star that would never burn out . But I can remember things now from when I was frozen . I remember emptiness . I saw myself being adored . I hated it . I didn 't deserve it . I don 't remember many specifics , but I do remember a sequence in my dreams or whatever you want to call them , that focused on me as a little boy . I was speaking to another little boy , who appeared in front of me from somewhere . He looked like my son . but he was older . I remember thinking that it was him , but wound up just staring at him . It was a memory . I was trying to play baseball with the kids from my block . I was always a band geek , but I wanted to have a friend . I kept trying to join their game . They kept refusing . I asked if I could just sit and watch or be the referee . The kid I most wanted as a friend told me to just " Go Home ! " In this sequence of dreams , I kept hearing a variation of this kid and my son shouting for me to " Go Home . " So when I woke and my body could move again . . . I went home . I travelled through a foreign world to a foreign house . But I got to look into the eyes of my son , who was anything but foreign to me . I looked at him and I saw him . It made me sad that so much time had past . My stomach drops to think about it . All of those times of celebration , mourning , and milestones were spent on earth without me . I was in a cooler when his mother died . He was alone . All of those years spent when he was just a kid one room from me . I closed the door on him . I put my fingers to the piano keys and sold my son . I never married . I didn 't want it . I never had kids . I have been lonely my entire life , waiting for something good to happen . But I wasn 't really trying either . A friend once told me that good things happen to the people that are really trying at something . Something like God helps those who helps themselves . I don 't know . I just didn 't see much use in putting in the effort for a long shot . In my first year of college , I took a creative writing class . I never thought of myself as creative or poetic or anything my father was . But I took this class because it seemed to be an easy way to get those English credits . I wrote about my father . I wrote the paper during a drunken night , the night before it was due . I wrote whatever without anxiety . I just wrote . A week later , my professor would email me . He had given me an A . I expected this , creative writing is a blow - off anyways . But he also wrote something in the email that touched something in me . He told me , " I love your words . In fact , your words continue to echo in me . But I knew it before you wrote them . You wear those words all over . Keep making words , and keep wearing them . " I felt valued and validated . I had always wanted some piece of creativity . I wanted anything but who I was . This meant a lot to me . Over the next two months , I put all of my energy into the class and writing about things that mattered to me . I got stumped with the right words and it never came naturally to me . I got C 's for the rest of the semester . On my last paper . the professor accused me of plagiarism . He told me that these essays were not written by the same author as the one about my father . I got C in the class . I never picked up a pen again to express anything . Then he shows back up and I don 't know how to take him . So I ask him where he has been . I ask him why I didn 't matter to him . " You always mattered . To me you mattered . I didn 't know how to react to feelings that felt good . Good feelings never inspired me . When I was feeling good , I couldn 't be me . I walked away not realizing that you were the very reason to play that piano , and to play beauty into the abyss . " I told him everything . He was my son and the only thing I wanted left was for him to forgive me and love me again , like when he was just a kid . But he didn 't . He asked me to leave . I left his house and walked down the street shaking . This wasn 't because I was cold . It was because I had finally felt what it feels like to be warm and then be stripped into the cold . I felt the feeling of being left when you are the most vulnerable . Like he was . I walked to a motel and checked in . I went into the bathroom and took down the shower curtain . I twisted it until it was a large rope and tied it around my neck and fastened the other end to the shower pole . I said a prayer to a God that I 've never been sure exists and I let me legs go limp and closed my eyes , trying not to struggle . I thought about my son and my wife . I thought about that beautiful song I couldn 't remember . I thought about everything and realized that for once in my life I had to try . All of this musical talent came easy . Being a good father was the hard part . The part I was terrified of . I found my legs and stood back up . I loosened the noose and went to the bed and sat down . I couldn 't watch him leave again . I was so mad at him , but I couldn 't let him go again . I followed him as he walked to the motel . I sat in my car in the parking lot just trying to figure the whole thing out . I weighed it all together . I remembered the bad times and remembered that feeling of inexplicable connection I have to him . I think about my mother and her funeral . I remember that she died still believing he would come back . It all didn 't make any sense . Why now ? I turned my key and backed out of the parking lot . I turned on to the main street and sped off as fast as I could . I wanted to be as far away as I could from my father , who left me . My father . My Father ? ! ? I stopped , got out of the car and ran to the motel door . I slammed my fist against it without anything from the other side . I banged and banged and no one answered . So I took a running start and threw my body into the door and it broke open . I found myself on the floor of the motel room looking into the eyes of my father who was sitting in the bed bewildered . He busted through the door . He was the last person I thought I would see . There was knocking on the door , but at that moment , I wasn 't up for visitors . Then he came in . He sat down next to me and we both became silent . I couldn 't figure him out . I was so confused , Why had " God " even woke me in the first place ? Why did they thaw me ? So I asked him . " Why did you come for me ? " He didn 't answer at first . He just sat there thinking about it . After grueling moments , he replied , " Because you came home . " I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I was watching this Netflix show called " Flaked . " You all should watch it . It 's funny , yet dramatic and the characters are real . In the very first episode of the second season , there was this scene that I won 't spoil . But it punched me in the gut though , like so hard that it took my breath away . The song above played during . These words cut into me . " Do I even know you ? " It 's not speaking to me about knowing you . It 's speaking about knowing myself . It hurt because when I look in the mirror most days . . . lately . . . . I don 't recognize the person I 'm looking at . I 'm just a person looking at a person . I stand in the shower , the place that I used to do most of my praying , and I find someone just trying to get clean and get out . The problem is that I can 't just get clean and get out . I have to put in the work and I don 't want to . For me to get clean , I have to let go of some things that will bring me great pain to let go of . I 'm not ready to do that . I 'm not sure I 'll ever be ready to do that . But I can 't continue being who I am now . It isn 't me and my entire soul is in mourning because of it . I have to find my way , apart from every dark place that lives inside of me . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . Horizon Guilt is like an old open wine that cannot be swallowed . It fills your mouth with it 's bitter gull , but you carry it around with you because you think you deserve it . It 's revolting , but you are unable to do the very simplest of things ; to spit it out and let it go . I 'm gonna start with apologies that I should have made when they were alive . I didn 't know I owed them until they were gone , because I was selfish and short sighted . In hindsight we are all geniuses right ? I have to let the guilt go now . Honestly , I 'm so tired . You called me in utter distress and I gave you the wrong advice . I should have shut my ignorant mouth and said " I don 't know . " Instead , I told you what I was programmed to tell you . I 'm so sorry . I took advantage of you like so many other people did . I should have been a person that would never do that . I should have always protected you . You spent hours fixing things for people . You got very little pay or appreciation for it . But it was your time . It was precious moments of your life . Those hours are priceless now to me . I 'd give you all of my money to get them back . I didn 't have the strength to go into that garage the day you died and face you . When Joe called me , I went into a different place and went to the basement and sat on a laundry basket . I sat there not knowing what to do . I took the longest route to your house trying to figure out how to handle what was about to cross my life . I walked inside and did not go there to face you . Everyone else did . Not me . It was a cowardly thing to do . If I could do it again , I would have been braver . You were so much work . You lied all the time . You were always crying wolf . I knew you were in trouble . I acted , but not in the ways I should have . At some point , I forgot about that enormous heart you had for me and my family . I forgot that you would have always died for me . That 's one of the biggest regrets of my entire life Joe . This one sits in my stomach . I swallowed this bad wine . It sits in my stomach now . I didn 't respond to your text . You texted me the morning you left . I didn 't hear it because I decided to leave my job for another that required me to work nights for a time . You texted me at 10 : 12 AM . I had worked until 7 : 30 that morning . I responded at 2 : 58 PM when I woke . I didn 't get a response . Like all of their family and friends , I 'm finding my way out . I 'm trying to find a way to enjoy the sun again . I 've made some bad habits that I need to remedy , and I 'm almost ready to do that . I have to cut my emotional attachment to feeling bad for something that they did . In the end , they were grown adults that made these terrible decisions that changed the lives of everyone around them . My brother Andy told me in a text the night Joe died , that I had no reason to be blamed . Joe had laid waste to everyone that loved him . I get it now . I didn 't then . I could only see guilt . Those left behind , get to deal with the disaster they left behind . We end up trying to fix people that you broke . I went through some photographs yesterday . There were so many of you two fooling around . I looked at the photos and realized that they didn 't make me hurt in my chest . They made me smile like the photos of my kids when they were babies did . This wasn 't always the case . Most times when I see photos of us together , I get and instant stomach ache and it doesn 't leave until I pay some penance , usually in the form of an embarrassingly honest post on this blog . I 've settled in to a life without you two in it . The adjustment period was pretty strenuous , and I 'm not saying that 's over , but the the crisis part is . I 'm enjoying watching my kids grow and become their dreams . I 'm enjoying a marriage that is based more on quirky loving banter and less about what lies beneath our everyday speech . I think about them everyday , but now I smile . They aren 't always ghosts . Sometimes now , they are memories that remind me that I need to be a better person in this sometimes terrible world . I need to fight harder . I need to work on myself and close open doors to darkness . All that being said , I 'll never stop being sad I don 't think . I don 't want to . I think sadness allows me to empathize with others . I think it 's the reason why God let it happen in the first place . He knit me together knowing I would be garbage to some people . At least I would experience it that way . He also knew about that unspeakable joy I would have in my heart when I got everything I had ever wanted . He gave me everything and took some too . In the end , I 'm smiling and happy . I am absolutely broken , but full . My wife is the difference . They resemble her the most in the way they present themselves . They respect themselves and know the difference between good and bad because of her . She is my hero and also theirs . I am happy and fulfilled because of her . I happy because of them . God knew she would be the person who saved me . I 'll never figure out why my brothers were able to do what they did . I don 't have to . For once in my life , I don 't have to . They did it , and the " why " is over . I 'll always miss them , but I don 't need to keep that wine in my stomach . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I ran as fast as I could . There wasn 't even a bike I could borrow . I just ran , hoping I could outrun my death . I got about a block away from my house before I began to doubt that I would make it . My mom was special . She had cancer . Cancer isn 't special . Cancer is a Satan and he was going to take her from me at 5 years old , I just knew it . I just remember feeling so hopeless watching the world darken and turn into terrifying shapes I will never forget . The wind picked up and the sky got really dark . I ran past the Whitakers and their wind chimes were singing a terrible song . Garbage cans and newspapers flew everywhere . But I pushed forward to my house , that held my mother . Me and my mom used to write on each other 's backs at night . It was a fun game that we always played , no matter what . She would draw either a word or a picture on my back and I would guess . When one of us made a mistake , we would erase the entire palate like one would a chalk board . I would draw on her back , and she would draw on mine . We would do this until one of us didn 't turn around for their turn . Then the other would know they were asleep , and then go to sleep themselves . Going to sleep felt so lonely to me . I rarely slept first . I always waited for her . I had to protect her . Who else would ? My dad left before I was born . I didn 't have any siblings . I was the only " man . " He left before I was born , denying all kinds of things . She didn 't drag me through it . . . she walked away , risking our well being for my dignity . And now here I am running from a dark siege toward my home that I grew up in ; that hadn 't been fortified or fixed in decades , to get to my mom . I needed her and she needed me . We were each other 's cure for loneliness . We were also each other 's cures to the terror in the world . The wind blew me down to the ground , planting my face into a wheat bail . I got up immediately and started running , while also staggering toward the front door . The wind struck again , throwing me onto the bending stalks of corn . I got up again and set my eyes to my home . I ran toward the door as the wind pushed me to the right , then suddenly to the left . The front door burst open and there she was . My mom came running out . I knew she would . I knew she had to be there . I was scared she wouldn 't be , but I just knew she would . The wind blew her down the moment she stepped out of the house . She got back up and forged ahead to me . I wasn 't as brave as I was a moment ago . When I saw her , I became a kid again . I was scared and showing it . She fell several times before she reached out her hand and grabbed onto my shirt . She pulled me to her chest , then dragged me staggering to our house , closing the door before we were sucked out . There was this time that she wrote on my back that I had gotten the honor of captain of the safeties of the fifth grade . Another time . she wrote that grandma had died , then wrote that she was sorry . Another time , she wrote that the Tigers had won the world series . I laughed and shook my fist in victory at this . Then the time came that she wrote that she had cancer , and would have to leave me . She didn 't write all of those words , but that 's what I got . She erased what she wrote at least a dozen times before she let it go to me . I had made it home . She pulled me by the hand to the bathtub and as we sat in it she was sitting with her back to the storm and me sitting between her legs , with her arms wrapped tight around me . I felt safe . I was home , and that was all I needed to be . The wind blew the roof off and sucked every piece of furniture out of the house . It was a slowly twisting mass of darkness that took all of our things and brought down the wall joists and load bearing walls on top of us . Everything was shaking and I could hear my mom grown as objects hit us from every side . I heard her pray to God for help . I heard her cry and beg for God to save me . . . Me . Hours later , we laid at the bottom of a lot of rubble . We couldn 't see sunlight or hear any commotion . We just laid there in the bathtub , below everything that makes a house . I felt a familiar finger on my back . She said , What do you call chase . . . no cheese . . . that 's not your own ? I had already heard it , but I shrugged my shoulders anyway . I pretended to laugh at her answer by shaking my tiny diaphragm . She wrote everything about her life on my back and kept shaking me to keep me awake . She wrote that she loved me so many times I lost count . I couldn 't answer , something kept me from speaking . There a was a pressure on my chest and a weakness in my throat . We laid there until be both fell into a deep sleep . To be honest , I fell asleep first . I don 't know how long she wrote on my back . I don 't want to know . But I do know that at the darkest point of consciousness , I saw the sunlight . I opened my eyes to it first and immediately looked for her . Things were blurry , but I found her hand hanging from a gurney . I tried to get up . I tried to shout to her . I couldn 't produce anything that would disrupt the atmosphere . I thought she was dead . I fell asleep again . Then I heard her voice . I looked to my left and she was reaching for me . I grabbed her hand and we both cried for very different and the very same reasons . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . When something dies , it 's body begins to shut down , starting from the least important organs to the most . Our anatomy is really intelligent and reactive to our physical and emotional situation . Eventually , without a cure , the body will begin to let go of it 's most important organs . . . until the heart succumbs and the rhythm of that soul has ceased . Everything that person has experienced has become an archive . Very few will remember him and even less as the years add to their numbers . 1 % of the earth 's total population will be remembered by the future . 99 % will go off into oblivion without a soul eventually remembering their existence . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I sat in the corner of the room furthest from anyone that would notice me . I sat biting my nails . I have the hardest time with crowds because I feel like they are all looking at me . I say strange things and have a twitch that begs people to ask questions that make me even more nervous . I came to the party because I needed something different . I 've grown tired of living where no one else dwells . I 'm in a basement , staring out of a blurred glass block window at the sounds that resinate from other peoples lives . Their lives were filled with laughter and I wanted that . I wanted to let every part of myself go . I went to the party : I used the same coping mechanisms my father ; who was stricken with the same fear , taught me whenever I refused to let it go . " When you decide to see the world , go to the corners and watch for your moment , " he would say . I haven 't spoken to him in a decade . He passed on holding my mom 's hand as he let the leukemia take him suddenly . He was working on the fire pit in the back yard and collapsed . It took the disease two days to take him from us . I was about to leave the party . I had lost hope of any " moment " happening that would change anything going on in me . I thought about what he had said to me and it made me mad , because he was wrong , but even more it made me miss my dad so much . I was almost in tears when I felt the cold rush of some kind of fluid run down my back like a knife to my lungs . I turned and looked at her right in the eyes as she stood over me sitting on the basement stairs . She grinned and offered no apology . I looked at her again , this time with a little anger in my face . She smiled at me full out . " What ? Really ? " I said . She just looked at me . I nodded and got up from the stairs to meet her hand on my shoulder pushing me back down . " You 're an idiot , " she said . " All of this life in this room , and you 're in the shadow of it , playing with the assholes in your mind telling you to stay out of it . I just looked at her . She was beautiful . She was so pretty that I couldn 't speak . I had seen her before in a couple of undergrad classes . She was always loud and making jokes . As far as I could see , she didn 't have a lot of friends , but she was always engaging people . Like , this guy did an assigned presentation in front of a class of 100 students and at the end part when he asked if there were questions , she asked five . None of the questions were really answered . I didn 't know what to say to her , so I said , " I 'm just putting the feelers out . " She laughed at that and sat down next to me , right in a puddle she had purposely made with the drink she had purposely dumped down my back . " My mom was crazy you know , " she said and continued , " She kept setting things on fire until she ended up in an institution . How does that make you feel ? " she asked . " It makes me feel bad for you , " I reply . " See that 's the thing ; people always want to feel bad when someone tells them a bad story . It 's a part of human nature that is flawed . People want to respond by saying they 're sorry because they imagine their mom being mentally sick . They project their lives onto others . They never want to think about the alternative way of feeling . They don 't want to think that the other was spared from a life of terror and even death by fire from an unstable person incapable of loving . " I didn 't know what to say , so I didn 't . " My dad raised me alone . He never did a single thing wrong . He was too anxious to make mistakes . I think my mom and dad attracted to each other because of their similarities . It was their differences that saved my life . She let it all go and burned down all of us . He kept his white knuckles on the reins and held me behind him as he took the bullets . " " Where is he ? " I ask . " He died in a house fire in the middle of the night the year I went away to college , " she replied and continued . " He took her back and she wrecked the world that keeps spinning all around us . It 's funny when you think about that . In reality , we circle the sun , revolving around every day that revolves into years . The entire time , we think the world is revolving around us . " She got up and walked away , through the small hallway and out the front door . Everything inside of me screamed in my father 's voice , " This Is Your Moment ! ! ! ! ! ! " I took a few really fast breathes and got up and ran to the door chasing her . I reached her as she was about to get into her car . " I want to know you ! " I said in an urgent tone that I regretted , but not really . I did want to know her . She seemed to see right through me like she knew me , and I wanted to see her . She looked at me and kissed me on the lips . The entire world became still and watched this moment as the world spinned around the sun slowly . I felt my body tremble incessantly and my fear begin to melt into the moment of kissing my first love . . . kissing this girl I barely knew , but somehow was the closest person to me in the entire world . A tear rolled down her face as she looked at me . She didn 't say anything . She held my face in front of hers with her hands and looked directly into my soul . It seemed like an hour , but was only minutes . It took a few seconds for it all to implode me as she got into the car and drove away , leaving me without any words . I hit my knees and just stared into the sky . I felt like I was aligning with the world and we were becoming a part of each other . And she was gone . I searched the entire earth for her for years and years until I gave up searching . I graduated university and got a degree in bioengineering . I was successful from the very start . I made a million dollars my first year out of college and almost doubled that the next due to investments . None of it made any sense . I was being driven by a force that was a ghost . She was so active inside me , yet no where to be found . I worked as if she could see me , because I always pictured her watching me from wherever she was . Ten years after college I was sitting on the bench in front of a hot dog stand eating a coney I had bought . I was reading the paper and on the seventh page of the " local news " section , it read , " Body found in Gregory Park identified as Sophie Hawkins . " The article contained a photograph of the only love of my life , just as I had remembered her . I saw her photo and lost my heart onto the cement . I had missed her for so long and here she was in the newspaper , telling me she had gone missing the night we met . Everyone in the world was searching for Sophie as I was ; only to find her lying as bones in the brush behind an old abandoned horse shoe pit . They didn 't ever figure out what happened to her . She was a ghost to me that I would never know anything about . But what I hold on to is the moment she put the guts inside me to chase her . That night , she was the " moment " my father was talking about . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I live in a square box . I look up and there is this square that restricts the rain , and also my accidental ascension into the sky . I live in squares . Little boxes sitting next to little boxes . One of those boxes is covering my son . He is a typical teenager . He can be annoying sometimes , and maddening others . But if I were to have a pick over who will be left standing in the end . . . I 'd pick him . He has suffered a lot , yet there is an inner strength that I see and admire so much about him . He isn 't an average kid to me . Just like your kid isn 't average to you . We are hopefully all proud parents . Under another square ceiling in her box is my daughter . She is sensitive and picks up on the most subtle of nuances . She would walk through fire for those she loves . Her fuse is short for people because she expects a lot from them , but she will fight and claw her way to whatever she sets her eyes on . She will always see through your bullshit . Just like her mom . It 's like a super power really . Under a box that lives over an hour from me , lives this adult little girl that has no idea the emotion it brought the first time she called me dad . She is a strong girl and so smart and seemingly unaffected by the awful in the world . She is beautiful in every way . I lie under my own square that I share with this girl I met . We didn 't really make any plans when we got married . We only knew that we wanted each other to be old with . Still do . Marriage takes a lot of heat because of it 's ever increasing failure rate . I can 't speak on that because I am so happily married . This isn 't " bragadocious , " it is truth . When people decide to make promises , they do everything they can to keep them . That 's marriage . It 's not about me , it 's about every person in square boxes connected to you . There are little boxes that hold our parents in their homes , nursing homes , or hospitals . Little boxes that hold our grandparents in the ground . Little boxes that hold my brothers ' ashes . Little boxes hold and protect everything . I think the point is that people make boxes to protect what is precious to them from the elements . No one wants those that they love to not have a place in the earth . My kids each have their own rooms , thank God . But on nights when my youngest daughter is tired and vulnerable , she opts always to sleep in her brother 's room on the top bunk . This is connection . We feel comfort when we are next to people that we trust , even if they piss us off a lot . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I got into youth ministry because I was one of the lost children . I felt what no one ever wants to feel . After the worst things happened , I found myself covered in God . I dedicated all of myself to letting other kids like me know that they are not alone , and that even if they didn 't feel it from any human . . . they are loved . At the very least by their maker from very far and very near . I did a very thankless and grueling ministry for the next 11 years . Youth ministry could be described to sports fans as college football recruiting , except , no one wants to come to your program . You come to them and plead . . . because you care . They almost always walk away from you laughing at you . But the real reason you stay is because some of them say yes . Usually , they are the most rejected ones . They are the ones who live invisible lives . They are looking for meaning anywhere . They are usually the ones abused for false pretenses . I never came to anyone with false pretenses . I told them all that living as a Christian in this world would be hard . I told them that people will reject you because of your faith . I wasn 't a good youth pastor in the eyes of many . I didn 't look at the implications of some of the things I did . I didn 't know how to make my vision happen . I didn 't know how to make a small group of kids into a successful youth group that could withstand the endless cycle of teenagers . At this time , people demanded numbers in churches and youth groups . Everyone wanted a megachurch . People were wrong , and the right churches were dying because of it . They were being swallowed by megachurches with big production . I taught them differently . I spoke to the teenagers like I would have when I was a teenager . I told them the unpopular truth ; that life was gonna suck for some of them for a good amount of time . I told them that nothing that they wanted would come from faith alone . It all would come from hard work . I didn 't believe that God dealt with handing out free successes to people that weren 't trying . I wanted the kids to know that their value would be placed on how God sees them and how hard they worked to earn their place in whatever part of this world they chose to dwell . I used words sometimes that the " church " wouldn 't approve of to reach them . I went a long distance to reach them . I faced some criticism from some people in our congregation . Some of them wanted to see numbers to justify my employment . The numbers weren 't bad at about 30 teenagers , but they didn 't justify to them the 30 K that was being spent on me . I started at 30K and ended at 30K a decade and change later . It hurt at the time , but I can see it . People wanted to have a building they could call home and were frustrated with the transient church . They were tired . I was on the chopping block . Meanwhile , the church was teeming with young men and women that had come through the youth group , serving those that wished to demolish it . It was absurd . But I couldn 't take the heartbreak of having my low paying and thankless job in jeopardy of being cut every year for the desire for bricks . I went back to school out of fear and some common sense insight . I was going to be terminated because I couldn 't be who some of them wanted me to be . It would happen eventually . I was wildly supported for the first few years , but I could not keep myself from the thought that I was not valued as a minister to the teenagers of our community . I didn 't know how to convince them otherwise . Then something happened that ended my hopes of keeping the career I had loved so much and hoped to keep forever . My best friend took his life . Part of the difficulties with taking on the role of trying to help troubled youth , is that you have to learn to lose them . I lost a lot of them and I had tried so hard not to . But losing my best friend to suicide ; the best friend that had protected me from suicide . . . that broke me . I lost faith in everything . His name was Will . He always loved me unconditionally . Whatever drive or passion I had to continue being the youth pastor that focused on troubled kids was evaporated . I was evaporated . I wasn 't the person my wife had married . I was angry and right back in the same angry place I was when I had started . I was lost . I obviously couldn 't do the job anymore , so I quit because it hurt so bad to try . It was like a fake and stupid betrayal of what I was actually feeling to tell these kids that life gets better . I had forgotten that life isn 't supposed to get better . Just like a stupid American would . It wasn 't out of anger or resolve . I just couldn 't do it anymore . This was my dream job . I can honestly tell you that I haven 't been happy since . But I could not lie . I could not continue being passionate about things I didn 't know if I believed anymore . It was gut wrenching to leave the service beside 2 of the most honest , kind , and intelligent pastors I could imagine . It hurt so bad that I accepted the reaffirmation of my position and had to go back and decline later . My heart was spilling over and I didn 't know how to cope with feeling out of control . Before I realized God . . . at my lowest point in my entire life : I laid on some train tracks . Miracles happened to save me . I had spent so much time trying to figure out what and why I was alive . I had to finally admit that God loved me . It was hard to do that because I was born with 2 strikes against me it seemed . I never caught a break . Then out of no where , I got everything I had ever wanted . I got this wife who has laughed with me in every joy , and held my head up in all of these sorrows . She is an angel . I got these kids that are perfect to me , no matter what they do . It gives me a better picture of the grace of God . I tried to recover . I couldn 't . A few years later , after so much turmoil , Joe would kill himself too . Another brother . Another reason to believe that life is a cruel joke that gives you your dreams , then strips them from you like some prank where everyone is laughing but you . So I stayed away . I tried to work on Sundays . I tried to make any plans I could on Sundays , so I wouldn 't have to go . Sometimes I would just lay in bed staring at the ceiling . But every once in a while , I would go to church on Sunday . Every single time , I felt joy in my heart . I felt the desire to let it go and fall into wherever God is taking me . I wanted so badly to embrace what I let go . I miss them . I cannot seem to fix the things that have been broken in me . In my heart , there was resentment , unforgiveness , and anger . I didn 't want to go because I didn 't want anything to do with God . Because He was disassembling me again , when I was happy . I felt as though God had hurt me . I guess this throws a wrench in my understanding of God and who He is related to who I am . To put it frankly , He is a perfect God and I am an idiot who doesn 't understand what 's even happening to me ; because I cannot find a way to be perfect . This is sin . This is the very reason I sought to help those kids . I wanted to take profoundly imperfect kids and let them see a God that sees them perfectly . Like I once did . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . A modern day anti - depressant deals with the amount of serotonin that is sent and received from the brain . This chemical controls different emotions that rule a person 's life . Those with an imbalance in this chemical will have a difficult time being human here , with or without the medicine . I 'll go quietly in the night , unlike when I came screaming in the day , I 'll go remaining who I am . I 'll go because the entirety of my life has been torture with this hope of getting better that has faded out like a light shining in the night , devoid of power . I 'll go to sleep and it will all be over soon . The medication stops the brain from telling you that you are sad . But it doesn 't tell you that you are happy either . It just makes you look at things for too long without any reason for watching . So I stopped taking them . I stopped everything because things don 't get better just because people tell you they will . " The drugs don 't work , they just make you worse , but I know I 'll see your face again . " These are lyrics from the last song I remember remembering the words to . Then everyone I loved died in the fire , and it was only me and my thoughts . In a lonely hotel . Alone . This was the last entry into my journal before I started running . I had been an avid runner before , but nothing serious . I found that running would solve some anxieties I had in life . I had a lot . Now I need to do it to save my life . I started running west . I had brought only a cell phone and a small bag . I needed so badly to see humanity again . I ran from Michigan through Ohio and Indiana . I ran straight through the middle of America . I carried no money with me . I only asked for assistance with lodging and food from the internet forums . I really needed to see that there was still beauty in the world , and that someone could love someone they didn 't know just because they were human . The news started following me in vans at one point . I guess I was looked at as a charity case or a mad man . . . I don 't know . I had met so many people that took me into their houses at night . They were so nice and I shared everything with them . There was not reason to hold back . Might as well be completely honest with them . I got some advice from wise old women and I got some help from athletes about my pains . My legs hurt so badly . But everything else hurt worse , so I could take it . I spoke to a single woman who took me in . . . a man . She gave me a bed to sleep in because of my letter that I posted . I had posted a call for help before I left running to every city that I would be stopping in on my run to the Grand Canyon . This woman sat on the porch with me and shared a bottle of wine with me . She told me about her failure in marriage and her fears about loving again . I just listened and stared into the beautiful sky that hovers above everyone everywhere . She was soft spoken and gentle and careful about her words . She reminded me of my wife , who is dead . She was a real person in a world full of data people . I met a man who had a hook - up with a bed in the basement of a bolt factory . He worked there during the day and slept to the hum of the machines at night . There was this exhaust fan that blew hot air out of the back of the building . They let him put a mattress on the ground in front of it outside to sleep and keep warm at night . At first , I thought what you may be thinking ; that it isn 't much good . But when this man invited me to stay with him there , I laid down in front of it and felt it 's heat and spent the night looking up at the stars with an overwhelming wonder and joy of being alive . I got the knowledge that everywhere is home to someone . I met so many wonderful people . I got up every morning and put on my shoes and my pack and started running again . I ran thinking about all that I had seen . When I was a kid , I had an ingrown toe nail . I went to the doctor and he snapped a rubber band on my other toe right before he pulled out the piece of the ingrown toenail . It was to distract me from the pain of pulling out a nail . It worked then . It didn 't work now . The distractions didn 't work because the original pain is permanent . There isn 't a distraction big enough , but I 'll try still . . . because of them . I learned to live with all of the pain on my trip pounding against the surface of the very earth I was born on . The inside of my legs were worn bloody , despite my use of lubricant . My feet were deformed and agonizing . My shoulders felt heavy . Everything felt too heavy and I always felt that I couldn 't bear the weight . But I did . I kept standing . I want to see humanity again desperately . I want to suffer one last time . I want my suffering to become a witness to my family . My wife . My two daughters . My two sons ; they all left this world screaming in agony . So that 's why I run . I had been sitting on my porch without anything to do with my hands . I didn 't much care for anything else , so I started running to the Grand Canyon , because that was the place I most found myself in wonder . The carving of the rocks and the depth of the fall . These were the things that drew me there . I just knew that I had to release their ashes to the abyss and move on . I was an orphan . I was raised by everyone , good and bad . When I met her at the dance I knew she was my entire future . I felt it . I just knew . She did too . We married and we had 4 kids , two boys , two girls . I made life long bonds with all of them . They became the reason I got up for work every day . My girls and my boys . My two boys were just about to go away to college . They were twins . We had just had their graduation party with the slideshow and the food and everything . We were all sleeping and a blazing fireball from the sky struck the roof . The blaze didn 't set in until we were sleeping . I got out only because my wife told me the kids were with her on the way out . I got to the curb and found myself alone . They wouldn 't let me go back in . What a coward I was to believe her . I think I wanted to . The house burnt down in front of me . I didn 't hear them scream . I didn 't hear anything from them . I watched the fire burn until it was coals . The news told me that my home had been struck by a small plane that had lost control during a wind storm . " The midwest is known for it 's windstorms , " the guy told me while I was waiting to be released from their emergency services . It was a moment in a series of moments that don 't feel real to me now . By the time I reached Missouri , I had become famous . My past was known to everyone . They knew my criminal record , my medical history , and my personal struggles . Everyone spoke to me as if they knew me when I reached their city . A lot of people offered me shelter , but I always asked the people that aren 't offering . During my journey , I met the best and worst of America . There were the genuine lovers of humans and there were the documentarians who filmed my every move for films that will never be produced . I was sitting in a public library watching television in the lobby when the pictures of my family reached the screen . They were telling a story that didn 't belong to them . People I had never met spoke with authority about me . Everyone seemed to be so excited that I was still on my feet . One guy said that I was what America needed right now . . . an inspiration . I got up and pushed the door open harder than I should have and ran through the night in anger . I didn 't want to be their inspiration . I didn 't want their pity or their martyr songs . I just wanted to let my family go from me . I reached Arizona broken . The climate got too hot and I found myself doing more walking than running . I felt weak and run down . People were scattered along the route shaking my hand and cheering me on . As I got closer to the canyon , the crowds got more dense and the road became a spectacle . I could hear the loud speaker near the base of the rim of the canyon . The guy was announcing my arrival . Reporters were running next to me with microphones in my face . More were waiting at the lip for me . I reached the lip and took a walk away from everyone who were congratulating me . I went into the restroom to grab my journal . I sat in front of the door so no one could follow me . This was my account of my journey : I ran alone . I would face the abyss alone . I would jump off alone . The world is full of both God and the devil . I 'm also full of both . God is with me , even if He doesn 't agree . I will go to the lip of the Grand Canyon and dump my box of family into the the place no one can return . I will not look at the crowd . I will jump . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . I 'm a simple person to figure out . I usually write it all down here . I try not to pretend to be anything . I am what I am and that 's good enough until it 's not anymore . I want my kids to remember me smiling when I 'm gone . Integrity is the very basis of a good life . I love my God , my wife , my kids , my friends , and I try to love all of the rest of you . |
There was a cloudy , orangely hazed landscape , mostly filled with grass and some trees . Buckethead and i were on top of a hill . We were friends . He was wearing his yellow outfit . We were having fun but then things soon took a swing for the worse . i didn 't know what i said but Buckethead became angry and we began arguing . He doesn 't talk so it was pretty hard to do . i could sense that he had become more angry and decided to run . i had an overwhelming feeling he was going to lunge at me . He pulled his hand from behind his back to reveal a very large blade . He came swinging and chasing with a number of different blades . The whole time i was laughing . He doesn 't make sounds but i knew he was too . For a short moment , i am in a space shuttle that is taking off . i have no idea how i got here . i don 't remember anything before this , i must have regained conciousness while we were taking off . Everything is shaking but it 's at the point where it 's calming down . When the seats are no longer shaking we unbuckle and take off our suites . We all start doing flips and floating around in the weightlessness . It 's marvelous ! Everyone is enjoying themselves . We 're bumping into eachother and no one minds , even when they 're struck in the head . After taking up a good amount of time doing this we realize that we have important business we must attend to . We all stop and communicate what each of our jobs are so that we all know what 's going on . i say that i will tend to the computer life supports systems and once everyone has said where they 'll be i go to it . One of the other fellas goes into the same room as i do . It 's an emtpy room all except the walls , which have little buttons and lights on panels flashing everywhere . i 'm using one of those panels as i 'm checking things off on a clipboard . i look behind me to see what the guy is doing . He 's kneeling down and pressing buttons on the floor that i hadn 't noticed . A small console comes up out of the floor like a cane stabbed into the ground . He hits a few of the buttons on it and the floor beside him opens up . It looks like a grave . The floor inside slowly rises and there is a body in it . After reached the top and there was no longer a hole in the floor , just a body lying there , the fella hit some more buttons . The body opened it 's eyes and sat up effortlessly without using it 's arms or legs . He walked over about five feet to the right and used another console to raise a woman 's body from the floor . i asked what the two bodies were . He told me that they were robots that would assist us in our missions . i finished my work and left . i went to the kitchen for delicious space food . When i entered the kitchen i found my fellow astronauts already dining . i asked one of them who was enter sleep i 'm in Chicago alone , walking down the streets in crouds of people . The landscape is much like Seattle and this confuses me . Amongst the mass of people walking on the sidewalks and the odd amount of people crossing the streets through cars and bikes i notice on guy looking at me . He 's walking the same direction as me and it seems to me like he has just began following me . i notice someone else going diagonal through the croud with us and figured it was a friend of his . Mostly i decided it was a partner in business . i look to my side to get a look out of my perepheral vision . He 's directly behind me . . he is following me . i put my hand in my front left pocket and graze the edge of my back pocket to feel whether or not my wallet still rests inside . It does . i continue walking a little more comfortable yet still cautious . After taking a look to the side again i notice that the guy has veared off slightly to the right into the street . i graze the edge of my back pocket again as i put my hand in my front pocket . My wallet is gone ! i don 't want him to know that i 've found out yet so i follow his path loosely . He 's looking back now and then to see if i 've noticed . He 's moving faster and we 've lost his friend in a big group of Asian Monks in grey robes who were praying as they walked . i make sure not to have eye contact when he looks back . He looks back less now and i decide to give him one more glance back before i go after him . He looks back for a moment and i start pushing my way through people . i catch up quite fast but he 's still about ten feet in front of me . Through the endless mass of people you cannot see where the road is ahead or what is ahead . All you can see is the skyline . He 's a bit slower then me because of his baggy clothes so he gets slowed down , i catch up and tell him to give me my wallet ! " I don 't have no wallet . " he tells me . We 're still walking through the croud but not as fast . The only reason i am able to get ahold of him is because we 've come upon a railing that prevents people from falling into enter sleep We were walking , Rachel and i , with some fictional friends . i know i have a bit of a gut growing and i could feel it more then normal today . i was the last person in our small group of friends to walk into one of the clothing shops of Minneapolis . i felt a little strange down below and started to notice that there was some wetness ! i yelled out to no one in particular , " Oh my . . . " i looked down and saw a big belly , assumed i am pregnant , " my water broke ! ! ! " i knew i hadn 't wet myself because i didn 't feel like i had to go . i figured i hadn 't known i was pregnant because i 've heard that some woman don 't even know until they go into labor . : A few strangers looked at me a little paniced . They didn 't seem puzzled , they seemed to genuinly care , but did not know what to do . They stood where they were holding the clothes they were thinking of buying . " Rachel ! My water broke ! " i yelled . She ran over and touched my stomach and looked a bit scared . She didn 't beleive me at first and then she felt my stomach and saw that there was wetness all under me and on my clothing . She told everyone to get into the car FAST . i ran the best i could as a pregnant man . Then it his me , i 'm a man . " How am i going to have a baby ! ? NO ! It 's going to hurt so much , isn 't it ? Yes , oh no , it 's going to rip ! ! ! " i said . And all i could see was my down below with a huge bubble in it , a baby , and then RIP ! ! ! i was no longer having any of my questions answered , i was only yelled at to " be quiet " or " settle down " or " take it easy , honey " . Then it hit me , i was so elated , " They can cut me open ! " i said . i was so excited and happy . We were in the car now and almost to the hospital . Rachel was driving like a crazy woman . We pulled up to the spot where the ambulances pull up and drop off people with gun wounds and hemerages . i got out carefully with my hand holding my stomach and walked toward the door . Rachel yelled to one of our friends , " Just park the car , we 'll be in the ER , okay . " And her and i began walking into the hospital . . . Twenty - five people around me observing the rock gardens and all the different crossing paths within it . There are really no plants besides the trees that cover the view of the sky and some tall grass here and there in small groups . All of the groups of grass are about four feet in diameter and are surrounded by rocks , the way a fire pit is organized . There are some spots here and there where the tall grass must have died off . No , the gardner took out the grass . The gardner must be planning on planting another group of plants in all of the spots where only soil was left behind . Inside each of these spots there was at least one or two larger rocks about the size of my head . They were a grey color with a hint of brown to them and a rather strange bumpy texture to them , almost that of an aligator 's but larger scales . My family and i wandered about taking in the view of this amazing place . The trails mostly lead paralel along with the river which was slightly down hill , not too steap . There were more hills up the trail . Not paying my path much attention i found myself about to step into one of the spots where grass had once been . It was a little starteling being the mud looked very loose as though there was once a pool of water in it . Fearing for my shoes and socks i regained my original path using the strange rock just barely peaking out of the mud . At the same moment i layed my foot on the rock there was a little squeak and a crunching sound all at once . i looked back and saw that i had cracked the rock . It wasn 't a rock though . It was some sort of egg . Unsure if anyone had seen me i looked in my perepheral vision and noticed that no one was looking my way . i began walking again , a little faster now , and just then someone alerted her friends and others nearby them , " Oh my goodness , everyone look at the egg ! It 's hatching ! This is a rare occasion . " i turned around and shouted in excitement hoping they 'd think i was surprised as well , " How exciting ! i 've always wanted to see this ! " i called over Rachel who was nearby anenter sleep At a dinner party in the 1800 's or early 1900 's at a small beach house on some ocean . The sand reaches the patio and the waves are huge , nearly coming to the window . The waves were going about fourty yards further then their regular breaking point . There are eight others and i 'm served last by a short hairy spectre creature . After being served the the host of the party thanks him . i tell the host of the party that i am glad to have been able to make food for him and his guests and make my way back to the kitchen . As am half way down the hall , almost through the swinging door i see some person who 's upper half is nearly invisible and covered in hair like the hair on my head . But the hair was on his entire body . All that is completely visible is about as tall as i am . He tells me to extend myself out the window and onto the sand near the patio window so that i can watch what is going on . After i extend part of my body out to the patio , enough to see through window he then tells me to connect torso to him so that he could walk out with me to the dinner table and go unnoticed . The spectre - like creature who was forcing me to do these things , attached to my lower half , now walked through the swinging door and served the desert . My boss the host thanked me , or the intruder and I . The intruder took a few steps back , having full control of my legs to listen and watch the conversation going on . Everything went as normal until one of the guests , Mr . Jarg , asked my boss the host what the snakelike trail was that led from me and down the hallway through the swinging door . The intruder was able to speak with my voice since he was connected to me . He told them that there something on the oven still , that he didn 't want to leave unattended . My boss asked me , or us , to leave and then went back to conversing . The intruder did not leave so my boss asked again for me to leave and waited in silence for me to do so . After doing nothing , my boss asked again , angrily , for me to leave . The intruder drew a sword . He disconnected from me , enter sleep i 've not been able to remember dreams long enough to write them when i have internet access . i 'm going to start writing on paper or just do it on a word processor . Since it 's been so long since i 've writen a dream down here is a dream from a famous writer who i relate to the very much in this story . It was an amazing short story : The Dream of a Rediculous Man It 's kind of hazy at the begining but i beleive i was working in an empty appartment . i was vacuuming in the living room at night alone , just me and my vacuum . Suddenly i had a weird feeling , i think i was confronted by someone or some sort of being and was threatening me . These appartments only have one or two rooms in them but when i tried to run the appartment was a labrynth of rooms and each of them looked the same . The being that approached me told me a curse had been put on me and it would be effecting me soon . i ran and ran through rooms with my vacuum cleaner still on , this power cord never ended . i finally got to the door i needed to get out . i opened it , finally releived , and found that it was not the end of the labrynth . i sensed there was someone in the next room somewhere though . Each room was a bare room with white walls and brown carpeting , they all looked the same , there were only three different shapes the rooms had . One of the rooms was in an ' L ' shape another was just a large rectangle and the other was a hallway . & nbps ; i walked in the room and my vacuum cleaner gave me the sense that something was wrong , my grandpa 's spirit was in the vacuum . i took the power cord and swung it behind me and then swung the vacuum cleaner in the air behind me hitting a man who was sneaking up on me . i took him out . i vacuumed my way quickly to the next door in this ' L ' shaped room . This room was different , it wasn 't completely carpet . In the center of the bottom of the ' L ' shape was a patch of lenolium about 5x5 feet . i stopped to rest because Rachel was here now . She petted my vacuum cleaner and asked how we were doing . i remembered that my grandpa 's soul was inside the vacuum cleaner . After talking to Rachel she let me know that she knew the way out and could lead me out . i told her to go because i had to save myself from a curse . She hugged me and i told her i loved her and she ran off through a wall and disapeared . Now my vacuum cleaner , my grandpa , was going wild , reving up and moving back and forth and flaenter sleep i 'm doing time for something i remember breifly . i almost commited a crime but did not follow through with it , instead i left the group of fictional friends i was with and did my own thing . Right now i was in a locker room full of big guys in orange overalls . Everyone has a frown on their face and not many are talking to eachother . i open my locker and am in a surprisingly good mood for someone who 's in jail for something he hasn 't done but some bald black guy comes up from behind me and slams me into the lockers yelling , " Do you really want to get bulldoged ? ! Huh , HUH ! ? " After he backed off me i was able to turn around and then said to him , " i don 't even know what that means . What 's wrong with you ? " with a very uneffected look on my face . He stormed off even more mad then before . i turn around and start looking through my locker , there 's a mirror , some pink soap and some generic deoderant that says deoderant on it in black and white . i hear a familiar voice to my right , i 'm at the complete left end of the line of lockers . The voice of someone i knew would help me out , Ray Schimick . He walked over to me accompanied by his black friend and said to my surprise , " Jason ? What are you doing here ? Do you want to get bulldoged ? You better watch your back b ! % @ # ! " i just looked at him puzzled and he turned around and walked away out of the locker room . One of the guards walked in , wearing the normal guard clothes and cap yelling for everyone to quiet down . After the noise faded to silence he spoke in a normal yet harsh voice , " The warden wants a volunteer for company . " No one was volunteering themselves so i sat up and said i 'd go for it . He waved me over and he told me to follow him . We went into a large room with wood floors and one large window behind the wardens chair , it was very much like i was entering the room to speak to a king . The chair the warden was on was elevated by two stairs which he was near the edge of . He thanked me for coming and asked if i 'd like to hear some music . i was smiling and waiting in great intenter sleep i 'm watching the news in my teadybear robe in our living room with the changer in my hand and my legs lazily spread out on the coutch . The newscaster announces the newest invormation about the Iraqi army , they 've got new Fourwheelers for the army . But the odd thing is that they 're not built for just anyone . They 've been built a little smaller then usual . . . this is all what the newscaster has painted out for the viewers but in much less words . After he 'd explained the fourwheeler it went to a clip of hundreds of ten year old Iraqi girls riding on these new fourwheelers out in the open desert . They were very odd things , It was almost a " suped " up version of the scooter thing GOB rides on . Instead , it was a fourwheeler , gas powered and seemed to have some sort of weapon on it . It pretty much just looked like a very small fourwheeler with extended handlebars . When the screen showed the newscaster once again he began talking about how the new army of ten year old girls with their new machinery was causing a lot of worry for president bush and the remaining troops still in the middle east . It must have been time to go to work at Target now , i was suddenly there and now i was walking to the backroom to start stocking . i had my L . R . T in hand and was ready to work . i started scanning things with it and placing them where they were supposed to go . i heard some noise in the CD section and made my way there . Upon arriving i found a black ( negro - american ) man standing there with his Redhead ( crazy person ) friend laughing . i knew they 'd been up to no good so i acted like i was going back to the backroom again . Instead i hid behind an isle and followed them to catch them in the act of whatever trouble they were going to cause again . Finally i saw them checking around to see if anyone was watching as they vandalized a display leaving a mess everywhere . i jumped out from behind the isle i was in and said they better leave or i 'll beat them to death . The black guy started getting really close to me and so the redhead did the same , enter sleep Rachel was saying goodbye to me , probably because i was going out on the lake ahead . Jim 's red truck was out on it . The ice looked pretty thin , when i took steps i could here thumping as if it were hallow below me . i grabbed a metal rod out of the back of Jim 's truck and began hitting the ice to check if it would hold the truck . i wasn 't hitting it very hard but i knew it would hold the truck as long as i tapped the ice and the rod did not break through . i told Rachel that i was going to move her dad 's truck off the lake so it doens 't break through , she was suddenly there as i spoke and then disapeared when i finished speaking . i now looked and saw Elana 's car on the lake too . i tried to decide whether or not i should move it . No one got in but it started driving away . Elana must have been inside it . i started checking the ice again and realized that i was on a peninsula of ice , there was open water all around me . i jumped in Jim 's truck and drove off the lake into an alley . i called Jim to let him know what a hero i was , i dialed and said , " Hey Jim , it 's Jason . i just drove your truck off the lake , it almost fell through ! Do you want me to bring it up north for you ? " " Thank you , Jason , umm . . . how bout this ? I 'll come down there and ride up with you , okay ? " he told me and hung up . As soon as the call ended Jim opened the passanger side door and got in . He greeted me smiling and i started driving . We drove to Bemidji , which was a city like New York now and something was wrong . The city had broken out into anarchy . We met Charley and us three went with a large group of people to a safe building , a sky scraper that was still standing . Luckily there were isles of a grocery store fully stocked outside the building . i was surprised at how very clean and orderly everything was set on the shelves . i grabbed a basket that had been thrown on the ground as everyone else except for Charley went into the sky scraper . We were grabbing things liesurly untill we heard a lot of fighting inside , everyone was fighting over who wouldenter sleep i walked towards a wall with an electric box on it and stopped as if someone was late for a qeue . i stared at the wall for a few seconds before Rachel came into the room from the right very ergent like . She was out of breath and grasping for air as she told me , " Jason i just saw it on the news , Stacey was on and Andy was in a plastic . He was in a zip lock . " She couldn 't get the right words but i knew what she meant . . . he was killed . Stacey is a strong suspect . That 's true in any case though , the spouse is always a suspect . We ran to the car and took off to Andy and Stacey 's house . It was the house from when i saved the day care kids . There were even kids out in the concrete driveway playing together still . i ran past them up the driveway and into the house . Stacey had a sad look on her face while at the same time very worried . She greeted us desperatly as though she needed our help . She told us what had happen , that the crazy neighbors had done this . There was a white bag in the neighbors yard near the property line in Andy & Stacey 's wooded back yard . The bag was near the tree line . The neighbors were out on their porch in the back looking , a few laughing . Their house was like the Burb 's house and one of them looked like the quiet redhead kid . Redheads are crazy . i knew he had to have done it . He made eye contact with me slightly smiling now that he knew i was on to him . It was now later that night . We were all sitting in the portch which was now screened in and had nice white wood inside . The white bag was now beside me lying on the floor and the television was replaying the news i was now apart of . i looked over from the television and found that Andy was now sitting up on a wooden crate beside me . i was on the floor . This startled me due to the fact that Andy was dead . i started talking to him , more or less to myself , about the day and how i have to find out what happen . Rachel and Stacey had taken off for the night to get her into hidding . There would be crazy people after her . Friends and family would be comenter sleep It was summer but it was heading for fall . i biked down to Shawns house because i couldn 't drive . We went for a walk and then went off onto a trial . We both stopped and he asked if i wanted to go fishing . i nodded and turned around as he did . We walked back to his house and got a picnic basket to hold the fish , a net , and one fishing pole . On the way to the stream we both knew about on that trail i suddenly had a fishing pole in my hand . Now we both had a fishing pole . i looked over to him and announced , " Hey , look what i found ! A fishing pole ! " assuming that i had found it . " Great now we don 't have to share . " he told me with a sound in his voice like he was excited that i had a fishing pole . But i knew it was fake excitement . He was just happy that he didn 't have to share . He is was a selfish person . We arrived at the stream and found that my other old friend Jake was there . Jake was young , maybe four or five years younger then me . That would make him about seventeen . He was fishing too . He was using rope though because the stream was raging . This stream was no longer a stream , it had grown into a powerfull river . The grass around it was being washed away because it had risen so high . Jake had foolishly tied the rope around his waste and thrown the other end with the hook on it into the river . We yelled to him to get the rope out of the water but the river was so loud that he moved closer to the water to try and hear us . We yelled again and he moved closer to the water and held his hand up to his ear . We kept yelling get away from the water now . Instead he tried to hear us more by walking to the very edge of the river . He slipped on the wet grass and slid right into the river . Luckily the rope got caught on a dead tree . Shawn and i hurried down to where he was , i jumped accross the river assuming i 'd fall in and try and help him swim back to the shore . i landed on the other side of the river though , it was an eight foot jump . i used my fishing pole to real him . For some reason i didn 't use the rope . . . all i remembenter sleep My room mate and i were walking to our appartment at night . After unlocking the door we walked in to find our appartment had been trashed by gangs . We were living in a pretty bad part of town . i saw some little mexican fella knocking over our television set , it was old but we were poor and couldn 't afford to get another . That was the most disapointing part . We both looked at eachother as the little fella ran out the door beside us . There was no point in retaliating . i don 't even know what we had done to deserve this , i figured Groucho had probably been involved in some bad bets maybe . Now i was with Groucho at an enormous house he wanted me to see with him . He was looking around for a house to purchase . We were going to be going separate ways i figured . He showed me the entryway . It looked like a living room . There was very nice dark wood trim everywhere . Carved wood ! He showed me the living room . He told me , " it comes with the furniture and everything . " Holding his cigar between his two fingers right next to his mouth he told me to follow him . We walked throught he kitchen and i was amazed at how nice it was . We walked through the dining room and i was absolutly blown away . Everything was very dark oak and all carved . We hadn 't even walked through half of the house yet and there was a ton more to go . We haven 't even set foot upstairs yet . After walking through the dining room we entered another extremely nice kitchen with silver everything and nice white counter tops . i stopped to admire it and he stopped with me taking the cigar out of his mouth . He smiled at me and said , " This is my new house , i bought it . What do you think ? " i told him that i loved it , it was a great house as i looked at him with amazed eyes . He said , " No , what do you think ? " as if he was asking if i 'd like to move in with him . " You don 't have to do that , i 'm sure i 'll find a place . " i reasured him . He insisted though , and i let in quite easily . i told him i 'd do it . Groucho and i were pretty good friends , we understood how eachothers thought prenter sleep This dream actually took place the night before , not last night . Rachel and i were at target or some store like it . There was an arcade game against a wall , i thought i 'd go play it i started out flying a UFO in some city , it reminded me of Seattle but Seattle in fifteen or twenty years . Just a bit more technological . i crashed a couple of times and got the alien sick once . After i had the game figured out i began from the begining . i watched a little alien in a blue jump suit step into the tiny UFO . The alien was about five inches tall and the UFO was about two feet tall . i began using the joystick to fly the UFO around on the screen . After a few seconds i was the alien . i was watching the UFO fly around but i was inside it . i was an alien . When i got to a building that i found interesting i landed on the roof . i decided to look in the windows of the appartments inside . i took off again and floated down the wall outside the light brown brick building . i came to a window with someone looking at a computer screen . They were in what looked like a home office but they weren 't working , at least it didn 't look like it . i saw a pigeon on the sill of the window and it started to fly off when the air was being swished around by the UFO i was in . i followed it up to the roof . Someone was sitting up there now . It was Rachel . The pigeon landed right next to her . i wondered if by landing here and leaving the UFO here whether or not it would effect the pigeons growth . i wondered if it would make it big or not . i got out of the UFO and enlarged myself as i got out . i went over and hugged Rachel and when i turned around i noticed that the pigeon had grown and was now wearing a jean jacket . It looked sad . i asked what was wrong with it and it said in a whinney voice , " You turned me into a pigeon . " i didn 't really care that i had anymore . i knew who it was , i was happy actually because now i knew she wouldn 't be able to hang around us , she 'd have to fly off with the other pigeons now . ( Since people who might read this could know wenter sleep . . . . . when i came home and asked if Rachel was home yet , i was told she wasn 't so i went on downstairs into my mom 's part of the house we lived in . There was a restaurant in the back and people who came to the place to eat had to walk through my mom 's living area . It wasn 't weird in the dream though , no one thought twice about it . The restaurant was very nice . Everything was up to date techology wise and probably a little past up to date . That was because Leigh owned part of the house too . Anyway , i went downstairs and saw a guy i 'd seen one time ( in real life ) outside by our driveway watching the daycare kids . i knew something was bad about it so i kept watching . He approached some of the kids and got close to them and chased them a little . It wasn 't playful , though the children thought so . He was just seeing how close he could get to them . He started walking back to his car , i figured i 'd go get the baseball bat incase he did anything bad . There was also a very large baseball that was heavy and very hard that i grabbed . There was also some rock there too . i set them on the bed and walked into the other room to see what the guy was doing now . He had just closed his car door and was walking back to the kids again . i walked into the other room and grabbed the bat and baseball . " Put the bat down , do you want to get a lawsuit on our hands ? " my dad said from behind me . i told him that i wouldn 't kill the guy i would just hurt him a lot . " No , just use the baseball and thing . " he said . " Okay . " i told him disapointedly . i grabbed the ball and rock and watched the guy to see what was going on out there . He was chasing the kids again . It looked like he was hunching over trying to hide something in his hands . i leaned over to get a better view out the window . He had some sort of black tank with a sprayer on it . He was spraying poison in the kids . All of the kids were running around in the driveway around a car while he chased them . He had no expresion on his face the whole time . i burst out the door with the baseball in my enter sleep A irraticlly behaving man was over exagerating his expresions as he spoke in front of me . He wsa telling me what had happen in the future and that i have to go by myself to change some things so that i would befall some horrible things . He was in a blue - green jump suit and when he finished his jarbled speed talking he pointed to the car and continued in a loud voice , " Be on your way ! " The car was a grey Delorian . i had to wear these goggles and a suit to be safe . i hopped in the car and stared it . Right away i watched myself from a distance driving off a cliff in the car . My view was from one edge of the cliff and to the left the cliff curved to go away from me . That is where the car went off , with me in it . When my view moved over to the left to see the car land it had disapeared . There wasn 't even a crash or explosion . Now my view was of a snow ridden land in the night . There was , far off , in the horizon a well lit area with a house in the middle . Around it were a few men with guns walking around as though they were guarding the building . A dirt trail which had been traveled on by some sort of truck or car snaked it 's way from right in front of me to the house . All of the sudden a loud ripping sound , like air began and a grey Delorian came ripping into the scene and instantly the tear closed up . The Delorian sped past me to the left and almost into a tree . i had to cover it up , i hope no one heard or saw me . There was only one tree , an evergreen , and i could not gather enough branches to cover the vehicle . i had to go look for more trees . When it was covered i could get to my business , it was my only way back . i had to sneak over by some houses , and appartments which had no road between them but looked like the main street to a very small town . There were only a few light posts and only one was lit . It was nearest me . In the middle where the road should have been was a small play ground with a very wide slide that went straight down , some monkey bars that were very close to the ground and a pile of snow . i was henter sleep i walked out of the kitchen in my house into the living room to look out the large window into the sky . Some smokey looking clouds were hanging very low near the house . Slowly a funel started working it 's way down to the earth . i had seen this before but never had i seen an actual tornado result from it . After a few moments of the funel decending it rapidly went to the ground right in my front yard . My blood was shaking . No one was home but i still started to yell , " Tornado , tornado , tornado . There 's a tornado , everyone downstairs ! ! ! " The tornado was only staying in my front yard coming closer to the house and moving away toward our driveway and then back to the window where i was . The glass hadn 't been broken . It was as if the house was a shell around me , like rubber . i still knew that i would die if i stayed up there , the house was bending and shaking and souding like it was coming apart . i ran as fast as i could downstairs in the hallway so that i could keep an eye on this tornado and make sure it wasn 't going to get in the house . i sat by the closet door ducked down like i was hiding from the tornado so that it couldn 't get me . It came by the window in the room i was looking into , i couldn 't see out the window but i knew it was there because the wind got even louder and i could see a shadow from the tornado in the room . i got so scared , my blood was shaking horribly it almost hurt . i slid open the closet door that leads under the stairs so hard that i broke it . i was in such terror that this tornado was going to get me . i flipped open my phone to see if i had any reception . i had to call Rachel so that she knew i was alright and so i could talk to her because i was so scared . She wouldn 't answer so i kept trying and trying . i kept redialing and redialing untill i fell aslee . When i woke up it was light in the room , there was a window that had never been there before and my mom was in there with me . i asked what she was doing in the room and she told me that she had been in there all night . i didn 't even know . enter sleep So I had a dream that I had two really big dude enemies who were going to beat me up and before that could happen I lined up some guy friends to take care of them first . . . well , I lined up Jason and Tanner . And the two enemies started beating them up pretty bad and so I ran out of the room and as I turned the corner ran into my buddy Eldon who appeared from the dark and asked me what was wrong ? I told him the situation and he told me not to worry about it and he would help me and take care of them . So him and Ryan went into the room and Eldon grabbed one of the guys by the throat and arm and held him up and started crushing his bones and told him not to ever bother me again or he would kill him cause he had no problem killing little pieces of shit like him . So the guys agreed to leave me alone and then ran off . Well , granted . . . I thought Eldon was a hero and started following him around everywhere like a puppy and laughing at all his stupid jokes ( just like in real life , ha ) and it felt wierd cause then we were kinda going out and all this time I knew I was going out with someone else but couldnt place who it was . Well , then Eldon , me and Hannah were sitting on a couch having a very meaningful conversation when Philip came busting into the room and starting speaking jibberish . . like this " giggle off tooky shoe little puggy moe " . . . and we all stared at him in bewilderment and yelled at him to SHUT UP cause he was interrupting our very intelligent conversation . Well , then he started mopeing and pouting and decided it would be funny to get a fishing pole and pretend he was fishing in the livingroom and he would cast the line and yell out that he CAUGHT ANOTHER REALLY BIG ONE ! ! and was laughing pretty hard at himself . So we all turned our backs to him and I looked at Eldon and said " hit him " . And he jumped on Philip and wrestled him to the ground , very playfully and told him to knock it off and Philip said " why cant you guys talk about stupid things for once ? Just throw something stupid in there ? ? " Then Hannah leaned oveenter sleep . . . . . . Ryan & Mel came into the hotel room to meet up with Rachel and i . Ryan & Mel and Rachel & i were all staying at a hotel together . We all had one room and we were just leaving it . We were all kind of excited because we were all together on a vacation . We walked out into the hallway and took the elivator . We went up to this floor where there was hundreds of seats . It looked like a theater of some sort . This place was so packed that people were sitting on the floor behind the stage . Luckily there were four seats open in the front row . We rushed over to get them before anyone noticed them . As soon as we sat down everyone got silent and this guy came off the elevator and sat down in front of everyone on the stage . He didn 't do anything at first , he just sat there looking at the floor with a blank look on his face . i asked if Ryan knew who the guy was . There was a piano on the stage when i looked back , i thought it had been a counter top the whole time next to him . The guy turned and started playing . Him and the piano were facing away from the croud . The view i had was right in front of him , i could see his face . Behind i could see Ryan & Mel and Rachel and i sitting together clapping for the guy . It seemed no one was expecting this , everyone was looking at eachother in awe . i looked at Rachel to see if she was enjoying it . She was clapping super hard and i thought i was cute . Then i looked back at the guy and he was sitting with a blank look on his face looking at the ground . The piano was still ringing out the last notes he had played and the guy was slouched over again . This guy had dark brown long greasy hair , pretty wavy . He was overweight a little and unshaven , overall a pretty gross looking guy . What i found odd was he was dressed nicely , with a tie and dress shirt and some nice slacks . He got up and sat down in a now open seat next to Ryan . Ryan complimented him on the music . i got up for a second to do something and time skipped to me walking back to sit next to Rachel . Someone had taken my spot but i knenter sleep |
We try not to go overboard on Christmas gifts with our kids , but let 's be honest . . . it 's hard . Even tho we only buy 3 gifts for each of our kids , it can be expensive . Especially as the kids get older . Our kids know that we do a lot for them during the year , so it was pretty hard to get them to list a few items they would like for Christmas . Joshua wrote his list and it was so precious . He asked for sweat pants , socks , a planner , and a " wolf " calendar . The first 3 items I got at Wal - Mart in about 10 minutes . . . and I was able to find a calendar with a wolf on it at the mall . And I know that 's 4 items . . . but . . . COME ON . . . I try really hard to keep things kind of equal , but one of mine asked for a new phone " if his contract was up , " and for the price of that . . . to keep things equal . . . I could 've bought Joshua a case of socks and sweat pants . Just sayin ' . It is pretty easy to buy for Holly , since she 's a girly - girl and I shop with her a lot . I know her and I know her taste . . . most of the time . Holly has a December birthday , so I was able to buy her some things that were unique to her on her special day . But for Christmas , I decided to buy all the girls in our family the exact same things , or , close to it . I think it worked out well . Logan put three items on his list and helped me order them . Two of them came in time for Christmas . . . one of them has yet to arrive . But he 's okay with it . I also bought him a DVD from the $ 5 bin at Wal - Mart to put in his stocking , and he was really happy with that . The biggest surprise came from my husband . We do not exchange gifts with each other . It 's a tradition we started a LONG time ago . He just never could think of what to get me , and I could think of a 100 things to get him . . . and so he felt bad , I felt bad . . . . and we decided that we wouldn 't do it anymore . Early in our marriage , we would wait until after Christmas and then use any money we got for Christmas to get a joint gift . . . or to get things for ourselves during the after - Christmas sales . This year , my very frugal , very predictable husband did something very generous and very UNpredictable for our family . He called and asked Clark to clean out his truck and for us to meet him at a car dealership . . . so we went there . . . and in 30 minutes we were driving home in a new vehicle . Well , new to us . To say I was shocked was an understatement . My husband is the most thrifty man I have ever met . He is very thoughtful with our finances and does his best to save money and not make any unnecessary purchases . We have had a lot of unplanned things in our marriage . . . a child with life - long health and medical challenges , and another child who had health and medical issues for several years . . . that could 've drained us financially , but because of Jim 's saving and planning , we have been able to make it on one income all of these years . " But the gift is not like the trespass . For if by the one man 's trespass the many died , how much more have the grace of God and the gift overflowed to the many by the grace of the one man , Jesus Christ . " Romans 5 : 15 - 17 So , on Christmas morning , after the presents were unwrapped , Joshua stood up . And , side note : this has nothing to do with the story , I just want to remember what he was wearing : a white t - shirt , warm - up pants , his navy blue robe ( we call it his smoking jacket ! ) . . . and , on his feet , his ever present Crocs . In his hands , he held a stack of papers . . . notebook papers . The kind that you rip out of a spiral notebook . . . the kind that leaves the ripped edges . He slowly walked over to Logan and gave him one of the papers . He says it 's a " poem " for him . And then he gave him another paper . " For Morgan , " he says . Joshua loves to write . For the past year or so , he has been writing a story that he thinks would make a good movie . He likes to write songs / poems for people , and he always writes something for us on our birthdays . We aren 't surprised to get notes from him . They are always hand - written and very heart - felt . And they are usually always funny . . . not to Joshua , he is very sincere about them . It 's just that sometimes the words he uses aren 't in the proper context , and that makes it funny . Like the time he bought Jenni the birthday card with the giant dog on the front , and when you opened it the dog 's long tongue came down . Joshua wrote on the tongue , " Happy Birthday Jenni ! I want to lick you . " Now , Aaron was sitting there grinning , because he had been watching and had already realized that Joshua had forgotten to write him one . . . and it was FINE . Aaron has such a kind heart when it comes to Joshua . Anyway , Joshua looked kind of startled . . . I could tell he was a little upset , but he tried to cover by saying , " uhhh . . . Aaron . . . I just did it for the biological family . " And he did his little " air quotes " over the word , " family . " And , of course , they are all grinning and thinking it 's great fun . . . and I 'm watching Joshua to make sure he realized they were just playing with him . He does not typically " get " sarcasm and teasing . . . it just makes him mad . And those two rat - finks were cracking up and messing with him , and Aaron was saying , " that 's okay , Joshua , I know how you feel . . . you don 't have to write me anything . " It 's just pretty funny that he wrote one for Morgan . . . because OF COURSE HE DID . He adores Morgan , and kinda has a little not - creepy crush on her . I wouldn 't be surprised if her poem wasn 't the first one he wrote ! Later , we were cleaning everything up and something was said about Joshua . I said , " I bet he is upstairs writing a poem for Aaron . " Holly said , " I bet he isn 't . " Well , he came down a little later carrying a piece of that notebook paper . He had not written Aaron a poem . . . he had written him a letter . In it , he talked about how honored and thankful he is that Aaron married his sister , and how he doesn 't see Aaron just as a brother - in - law , but as a best friend . I made a breakfast casserole this morning , and I also made this cinnamon roll casserole thing that I saw on another blog . It . was . yummy . Jim fried ham that his mom had sent home with us . . . and I popped a few biscuits in the oven for those who just wanted to keep it simple . After I got all of that cleaned up , Holly and Aaron came over and we were ready to open the presents . The very first thing we do every year is read the passage from Luke 2 out - loud . The kids all take a section and it doesn 't matter what verses they read , but Joshua HAS to start . It just isn 't Christmas without hearing him say , " when Qwi - REAR - ius was governor of Sy - REAR - ia . . . " I think everyone liked their gifts . Some will have to be exchanged and some were duplicated . . . and we had two gifts that have yet to show up . . . but over - all , it was great ! And , now that they are older , I know that if there wasn 't one gift under our tree . . . just being together would be good enough for them . I have wrapped and wrapped and wrapped today . We typically get our kids about 3 presents each . We started this practice a long time ago when they were little . Jim said that if it was good enough for Jesus . . . it was good enough for us . And then there 's the " stocking stuffers " for 8 stockings ! I typically put things like body wash , toothpaste , perfume / cologne , gum , nail polish for the girls , etc in the stockings . For the past few years , I 've put Crest Whitestrips in them . My kids like using those , but they are so stinkin ' expensive . . . so it 's a treat for them . This year , they were ALL OUT of those at the store where I went , and I decided I wasn 't going all over the Creation just to get those . I also always get the boys a new pair of boxers . I try to get some really fun or crazy patterns for Christmas . This year , I didn 't do that , either . In fact , I am totally re - thinking everything that I 'm putting in their stockings . Now that I have a future daughter - in - law , and my other sons have girlfriends . . . if I give them soap or body wash . . . or toothpaste and shampoo . . . are they thinking that I think they are stinky ? I don 't ! They aren 't ! And if I give them Crest Whitestrips , will they think that I think they have yellow teeth ? I don 't ! They don 't ! Tonight , we had our Christmas Eve service at our church . It was a great time of worship with a children 's story , lots of singing , and the Lord 's supper . It was great to see all of the families there . . . little kids all the way up to great - grandparents . So blessed to be a part of a church family . Tonight , for the first time in . . . FOREVER . . . I have no presents to wrap ! I finished wrapping this afternoon , and so I might actually get to go to bed at a decent hour ! It 's a Christmas Eve miracle ! Clark is doing better . He slept well last night and slept LATE this morning . Bless his heart . . . he is so hungry . ALL . THE . TIME . He 's had so many smoothies and milkshakes . The boy wants some substance , but he has to be careful . Yesterday at our " Christmas meal " with Jim 's family . . . and against my advice . . . he decided to attempt eating a steak . He cut it up into tiny pieces , but no matter how much you cut up meat . . . it 's not a milkshake . He said that even tho it made his mouth bleed , it was still the best thing he had eaten since Thursday night . I know this time of year can be so hard for many people . You only have to be out in public a short time to see people rushing around , racing through parking lots , being rude . You can see the stress on their faces , the sadness in their eyes . " Bless us all , that as we live , we always comfort and forgive . We have so much that we can share with those in need we see around us everywhere . . . Bless us all with playful years , with noisy games and joyful tears . We reach for You , and we stand tall , and in our prayers and dreams we ask You , bless us all . " " I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace . You will have suffering in this world . Be courageous ! I have conquered the world . " John 16 : 33 Today was the " Garland Family Christmas " with my in - laws . I wasn 't sure Clark and I were going to get to go , but he woke up feeling okay and so off we went . He said he was wanting to get off the pain pills , so I gave him his dose at 10 before we left . . . and didn 't bring the next dose with me . Most of the family was already there when we arrived . There were about 18 of us all - together . . . from about age 78 down to age 4 . We had our " Christmas meal " of steak , baked potatoes , corn , salad and rolls . I wasn 't really hungry at the time . There 's not really a lot of room where we eat and so everyone was stepping over everyone else . . . it was kind of hectic . I got Joshua all situated with his food . . . everyone else took care of themselves . Now , " having Christmas " has a different meaning at my in - laws house . Typically , my mother - in - law gives us all a large gift bag full of stuff . I call it my SOS . . . " sack of . . . stuff . " Things I 've gotten in my SOS are : random , decorative thumbtacks , pens , hammers , screwdrivers , a " throw blanket , " devotion book , a net thing that you can put your PANTYHOSE in to wash them in the washing machine ( whaaaat ? 1978 called and wants your pantyhose back ! ) , an x - acto knife , a turban towel , a tape measure , a spatula , and salt and pepper shakers . My mother - in - law typically buys these things on her annual trip to Branson . She goes with 10 other " lady friends " and they frequent all kinds of off - brand " dollar store " type of stores . . . places you can 't ever find anywhere else if you wanted to take any of your gifts back . You can 't . Don 't even try . You just can 't . I already have approximately 11 " throw blankets " at my house . She says , " they are SO handy ! Like when you have company come over and they get a little chill . . . or if you go on a trip . . . you never know when you might need a little " throw blanket " in the car . . . they are so handy ! " . I can 't figure out why I didn 't get one . We have begged and begged my mother - in - law to just give us each a $ 10 gift card to WM . I would rather have that and buy something that I could use . She doesn 't understand that . She wants everyone to have something . . . ANYthing . . . to open . But this year , I got a gift - card ( YAY ) . . . and , just to keep it real . . . a set of 4 decorative cheese spreaders . I love my in - laws but they are about the most eccentric people I have ever met . There is a tall bar - counter that separates the kitchen from the dining area . My mother - in - law has added shelves on top of the counter . If you are standing in the dining area , you really can 't see into the kitchen . . . because of all the shelves and the stuff on the shelves . They are FULL of stuff . You can 't even imagine . But today , on top of the shelves . . . on top of the stuff . . . there were three empty milk jugs . One was sitting up straight , and the other two were on their sides . When we asked my father - in - law about it , he said the jugs were " bat alarms , " and that if a bat flew into the house , they would hit the empty milk jugs and knock them down . . . and that 's how we would know there are bats in the house . Clark was not feeling well after a couple of hours , so we came on home . It was great to see everyone , but it was also great to come home . I haven 't gotten a lot of sleep since I 've been sleeping in the living room with Clark , so I 'm pretty tired . I watched Clark sleep . I watched Clark eat . I watched Clark take his meds . I watched Clark walk to the bathroom . I watched Clark take a shower . Wait . NO , I most certainly did NOT do THAT . I did , however , listen the entire time he was in the shower . . . just in case he fainted or something . I 've been the cook today . . . made a grilled cheese at the crack of dawn , and cut it into tiny pieces , so that he would have food on his stomach when he took his meds . I made a milk - shake and a smoothie . I warmed up chicken ' n ' dumplin 's . If you 're a mom and you have older kids . . . you know that they don 't really NEED you for anything . I mean , they DO . . . they just don 't think that they do . At this stage , they like to think they are independent and self - sufficient , even tho they still like for you to do things like . . . THEIR LAUNDRY . . . and fix their meals and occasionally give them gas money and buy them clothes and treats . You 're just supposed to do it like a Seal Team 6 . . . quickly , quietly and never seen . He was so nervous and worried about it . Bless his heart . I was kinda dreading it , too , not gonna lie . Where most people might have a question or two for the doctor , Clark had ten . He started reading up on side - effects , drug reactions , and things like " dry socket . " I just knew that if anyone was going to have some kind of weird thing happen with this . . . it would be him . So Clark was really nervous , but ready . We all got to go back with him to a pre - waiting room area , but when it was time for his IV . . . they took him to surgery by himself . Hello , people . What are you thinking ? He 's just a baby ! Jim and I , Clark and Faith - the - girlfriend , joined hands to pray before he left . And I cried . And Clark walked out real fast . I mean , the last time we handed him off to a nurse was 15 years ago . He had just been diagnosed with cancer , and they were doing surgery to remove the malignant tumor . . . and part of his liver . I know this is not the same as that at ALL . . . but I couldn 't help but get a little emotional . When they told us he was ready to go home , we drove around to the surgery pick - up at the back and a big , male nurse walked him out . Clark was as pale as a sheet . Before he even got to the car , he threw up at least twice . I felt so bad for him . They gave him a little , plastic basin thing for the ride home . When Clark asked for it , we couldn 't really understand him because his mouth was all numb and full of gauze . . . so when he said , " bowl , " it sounded like he said , " boat . " So now we call it his " boat . " Oh , dear . We gave him his boat to use instead . Bless his heart . Faith - the - girlfriend was wiping his mouth and Logan was just staring at Clark with big , wide eyes . Marley ( Holly 's halfadog ) was so terrified over the situation , he ran and hid . I didn 't think he would be this pitiful or feel this bad , but I think he turned a corner at around 8 : 30 tonight . I woke him up to give him his meds , and he asked for the rest of the milkshake his sister brought him . And then he ate the chicken ' n ' dumplin 's that I made especially for him . . . and he drank lots of water . And then he changed out his own gauze . I am thankful for my family . Joshua has been praying for Clark . Logan did laundry while the rest of us were at the surgery center . Holly took Joshua to get a hair - cut . . . and then when we came home with Clark , has taken good care of him . This is the same girl who was so squeamish and nearly fainted at the sight of blood , fluids , syringes or anything even remotely related to anything medical for the first 20 something years of her life . . . and here she was with her drooling and bleeding brother , telling me to go on out and she would clean up everything . I got up early this morning . Holly and I took Joshua to Little Rock to meet up with his group . We did a little shopping , and then met up with Jim and the rest of the family . . . and Jim 's parents . . . for lunch before the program . Joshua 's group was doing a " dress rehearsal " type of performance right after lunch . We invited Jim 's parents to come to that . It 's just better when they don 't have to drive at night . Both times , the friends did a GREAT job ! There was quite a bit of nervousness with all of them before the evening performance . Joshua said that he had everyone hold hands while he led a prayer before they started . . . and he said it helped calm everyone down . Joshua started off the program by reading the true Christmas story from Luke 2 . He did a great job . . . he was loud enough and used some animation in his voice . I was very proud of him . Two of the friends then did some narrating of Charles Dickens ' A Christmas Carol . Of course , they had to shorten it quite a bit . Joshua played Bob Crachit . Jenni played his wife . OH HOW CONVENIENT . How else could they get to hug in front of everyone . I mean , it would be totally expected and acceptable for them to show affection if they were playing actors who were married , right ? That was their thought process , anyway ! I continue to be impressed with this group of friends . . . all different levels of physical and mental abilities . . . but they all worked together , using their strengths for a common goal . One minute , a friend would be telling another friend in no uncertain terms what he / she was supposed to be doing . The next minute , one friend would take the hand of another one . . . to calm their nerves , or to lead them where they were supposed to go . . . or to steady a friend who just needed a little extra help for balance . There were two narrators : one had periods where she was totally overwhelmed and someone else had to take over ; the other one is in a wheelchair . . . the lower half of her body doesn 't work . They both read very well . Two other friends recited " The Night Before Christmas " poem , and one friend read the story of the candy cane . There was enthusiastic singing and dancing . My man - child . . . he has moves that would make Elvis blush ! I 'm not even kidding . I don 't know where he learned them , but he put on quite a show during the songs . They all did . The Grinch showed up at the end of the program , and , like last year , stole the entire show ! She was awesome ! You just have to know this girl . She is typically one of the more quiet friends in this group . . . not usually involved in any of the drama . . . AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOME DRAMA . To see her get so into this performance was just hysterical . Not only was she very angry acting and dramatic as she stomped around on stage , and " stole " the presents and decorations . . . she also used this maniacal laugh . She would periodically throw her head back and go , " MWAHAHAHAHAHA . " HI - LARRY - US . Just sayin ' . I didn 't know if this year could possibly measure up to the Christmas program from last year , but it did ! It was such a sweet and precious time . I am so thankful for people who can see past a person 's physical or mental abilities . . . who can see inside their hearts and work to bring out their best . That 's what the workers of this program do each and every day . I had already shopped and it took me 20 minutes , not 40 . Come ON , people . Even when I have a large list , I am like a Navy Seal going thru that store . I know where everything is . Do not get in my way . So , about an hour after we got home , I went back to pick up the meds . THEY WERE NOT READY . In fact , the little guy couldn 't find them at first , and then said , " he 's not in the system , " talking about Clark . I said , " well , he may not be in the system , but I DID drop off the Rx over an hour ago . " After a few minutes , he came back and said that they found the prescriptions , and that they would be ready in 20 minutes . ARGH . So , I said I would wait . On the way home , the sky was so pretty . It was streaked with pink and blue . I made a conscious effort to look at it and take it in . . . the sky , the field , the trees . I don 't want to rush through these days . A couple of years ago , I was asked to write about a special Christmas memory , and this is one of the stories that came to my mind . . . I remember a Christmas in Virginia . I was 7 years old . My Dad was in the Air Force , and by the age of 7 . . . I think I had already moved 5 times . When we got the news that my Dad would be going to Vietnam for a year , my parents had to make a decision to either stay where we were , or move somewhere closer to " family . " Even though we hadn 't been in our current location very long , my Mom said we had become involved in school and church activities . We were getting settled in , making friends . My parents met in high school in Charlottesville , Virginia . My Dad had gone to the University of Virginia . They had a lot of friends there , as well as most of my Mom 's family . Everyone begged my Mom , " move home , so we can take care of you and the kids while Skip is gone . " At the time , my parents had 3 young children . My Dad thought it would be good for my Mom to have a strong support system while he was gone , so after much thought and prayer , they packed us all up and we moved back " home . " To Virginia . My parents found a little house to rent that was right across the street from the elementary school I would attend . And then my Dad left , and my Mom was home alone with 3 kids for a year . Of the family and friends who begged my Mom to move home . . . not one person ever came by . Ever . NOT . ONE . TIME . Oh , they called her or visited with her when they saw her at church or school activities , but that was it . My memory of Christmas that year was of my Mom taking us to get our Christmas tree . She somehow got the tree . . . and all 3 of us . . . home in one piece in the stay - wag . The tree was magnificent . And huge . That whole " go big or go home " was my Mom 's motto way before it became well - known in the sports realm . In fact , the tree was so big that the trunk wouldn 't fit into the tree stand no matter how hard my Mom tried . She was doing her best to whittle away at the trunk of the tree with a STEAK KNIFE FROM THE KITCHEN , Posted by Just last Monday , he rolled our recycling bin to the curb before he went to work . For whatever reason , it was still there when he came home . FULL . Everyone else in our neighborhood . . . for as far as you could see on either side of us . . . put their recycling cans back in their garages on Monday night , after it became apparent that the truck was not going to run . Not us . The cheese stands alone . We 've had that thing sitting at the end of our driveway . . . dodging it with our vehicles . . . for 7 days . I love this quality about Jim . He doesn 't mind doing the hard work , figuring things out , holding others accountable . It can be frustrating at times ( for me ) , but he definitely balances me . We have been fighting with our insurance company for over a year . . . over a roof we had to replace at our old house before we moved . We actually have two insurance companies fighting about it . We never went without coverage and our premiums were always paid , and paid on time . Both say there is hail damage but both say it 's the other one 's responsibility to reimburse us . We ended up paying for the entire thing , because the sale of our home was contingent on the new roof . We want our money back . . . I mean , that 's why you have insurance in the first place , am I right ? Well , Jim has talked to people and followed all of the appropriate steps . They recommended that he file a complaint with the insurance commission in our state , and he did . He 's done everything they 've asked him to do . On Wednesday , he goes to a mediation hearing . It 's the last step before legal action , and I 'm telling you . . . Jim is not above hiring a lawyer if that 's what it takes . We 've never done anything like this before , but we 're talking about a lot of money . Jim is like a dog with a bone . I 'm really proud of him . I would 've given up a long time ago , because they have certainly made things difficult . I think that 's what some big companies hope . . . that they will make everything so hard and ask you to jump through so many hoops . . . most people would get frustrated and give up and move on . I hope our kids will develop this quality in their lives . It 's hard , and I haven 't been very good at it myself . . . except when it has involved them or their care . But in this life , there are many things we need to figure out and have to WORK AT to figure out . . . and there are some things that are worth fighting for . I 'm just glad the recycling can is back in the garage . I just knew one of us was going to back into it and knock everything out into the street . And on trash day , we had the recycling can on one side of the driveway , and the trash can on the other side . It was , like , thread the needle . I don 't really know what I expected . We have a great church and a wonderful music minister . You can tell the thought and prayer he puts into the music every Sunday because of how everything flows . And he uses different people in the praise team each week . I like that . Jim and I have seen some awesome Christmas programs in our married years . I LOVE going to them . It 's one of my most favorite things to do during the Christmas season . In fact , I told Jim this morning that if we went to our early service . . . and then went to hear another church 's Christmas program during the 11 o ' clock time - slot . . . I 'd be down with that . I sang in the choir and loved every minute of climbing up into that huge metal frame . Even Jim got involved in it . . . they asked him to be a centurion or something . He had to wear a little white " dress " and Jesus sandals . After I had Joshua , I didn 't sing in the Living Christmas Tree anymore . Instead , I helped behind the scenes with hospitality . . . feeding the choir , cast and production members before / between the performances . I LOVED that , too . The Christmas program there was an event . . . not gonna lie . It took a lot of time AND money . It lasted several days . I felt like it was God - honoring in every way . Eventually , they stopped doing it . I don 't remember why . We had already moved away by that point . There was no " set . " Just choir members dressed in red and black clothing of their own choosing . Not that there 's anything wrong with that . I was just trying to figure out the " theme " of the musical . They started off singing a Christmas carol that we all know , and they invited us to sing along . During the 2nd song , I noticed people turning around to look toward the back of the sanctuary . Two teen - aged boys were walking down the aisle . They were angels . No , really . They were wearing white shirts and white jeans . They were also wearing white , feathery wings reminiscent of Victoria Secret ads . One boy was wearing a black belt with his white pants . He looked uncomfortable . The other boy was the opposite of uncomfortable . He was enthusiastically doing all the arm motions as the choir sang , and seemed to be embracing his role as an angel . Black - belt angel stood there stoically , arms crossed , almost daring anyone to , as the song the choir was singing said , " come and worship , come and worship . . . worship Christ the newborn King . " But the best part came at the end . I can 't even remember now what song they were singing , but they ended up having alllll of the actors come up one - by - one or in their groups . . . and they also added a group of little kids who helped sing at the end of the song . So the angels , shepherds , Mary , Joseph and the plastic Baby Jesus , and the testimony family and the little kids . . . everyone else who had a part . . . all up on the stage . It was really crowded with people by the end of the song . But anyway ( that 's not even the point of this whole thing ) . . . when they were on about the 2nd verse of this song , one of the angels went rogue . He started dancing and clapping . I mean , ENTHUSIASTICALLY dancing and clapping . The only thing I can really think to compare it to was that scene in the first Sister Act when Whoopie Goldberg , as Sister Mary Clarence , directs the choir as they sing " Oh Maria . " Like the last half of the song when she 's got her arms waving and she does a spin . The first clue that the rogue angel 's act wasn 't planned was the look on black - belt angel 's face . It was priceless . Totally worth the price of admission . It 's like he saw the movement out of his peripheral vision . . . and then looked . . . and then could . not . believe . it . Logan said that he must be the " fallen " angel . And we all got tickled . We were all sitting on the same row . You know , you kind of expect kids to act up in church programs . Little kids , not teenagers ! Wait . What ? I must be getting rusty , because I have 3 boys ! I expect the unexpected at all times ! I think that sometimes we can miss the true meaning of Christmas in the " big - ness " of our productions . It doesn 't have to be that way . . . but sometimes it is . What I appreciated about this morning was how so many different groups in our church were included in the program . . . choir , musicians , drama team , sign - language team , children . And I appreciated how simple it was . . . not a lot of bells and whistles . . . because that 's really how it is , the simple message of Christ : We 've had a quiet Saturday . I have loved being at home with my family . . . having our college boy home . Such a great day with all 4 of our kids and our son - in - law . These are perfect days for me . I remember being pregnant with her . After Joshua 's birth surprised us all ( the fact that he had Down Syndrome ) , my doctor monitored me carefully . I had requested not to have any prenatal testing beyond the simple blood tests . But I had several ultrasounds . . . measuring and looking . Down Syndrome is kind of hard to find on a typical , normal ultrasound . But , at one of our appointments , we did find out we were having a GIRL ! We could not believe it ! I thought for sure I would have all boys . Jim 's family has boys . His grandfather had two sons . Between them , they had 5 sons . NO GIRLS . In fact , the youngest girl in that family was over 80 years old . Eeek ! As Joshua would say , " she was ODE . " We scheduled a C - section for December 16 . . . two weeks before her due date of Christmas . It was a Friday . Actually , Jim said she could come anytime in December . Anytime but the 13th . He had big , big meetings that day with the big , big bosses of his company . Any other day would be fine . When I started having contractions , I thought it was false labor . When I got to the hospital in full - blown labor in the middle of the night , I had to laugh . And when she was born early that morning , I could almost hear GOD laugh . It was December 13 . And Jim did have meetings all day , but was in and out at the hospital . My friend , Sherri stayed in the room with me all day . She was such a sweetheart to do that . . . and she got to hold Holly before anyone else in our family , or any of our other friends . And she got to hold her most of the day . Good practice for her , because 6 months later , she welcomed her own baby girl . Wow , how the time has flown . I love that God gave us a girl . Especially now that she 's married and has a life of her own , I am loving that Jim and I can be a part of it . It 's something I didn 't really have with my own Mom , because she lived in another state . And now that she 's in Heaven . . . well , there 's just a lot I missed , and there 's a lot I miss . So , I was trying to think of the perfect gift . 25 years is pretty special . I thought of jewelry . . . I mean , can 't go wrong there , am I right ? But then I figured out the perfect thing for her . She wanted a Kitchen - Aid Mixer when she got married 2 years ago , but she didn 't get one . I knew it would be something she would LOVE . . . and I thought that it would be something she would always remember she got on her 25th birthday . I couldn 't decide on a color . I went back and forth . I thought I would get red . She loves red . They were out of red . At Christmastime . Whaaaaat ? They had a turquoise - y blue color . I knew she would like that . And the yellow . . . well , it 's about her favorite color . But Morgan got a yellow one , so Holly might want to get a different color . The coral color . . . I know she likes that . Her watchband is coral . . . and her stethoscope is coral . Someone at her nursing school asked her if she planned to match her watchband and stethoscope . She said , " no . . . it 's just coincidence . " In the end , I bought her one in a color called " icy glaze . " It 's a light mint - ish blue - ish green - ish . I knew she 'd love it . I just don 't know if you want to get a " fun " color , or if you want to get a mixer that is the color of everything in your kitchen . If I had done that , my mixer would 've been an earth - tone color , because that was what everyone did back in my day . Now ? YUCK . The young guy that was helping me was so nice . He was really friendly and accommodating . He even checked for a red one " in the back " with the new freight , but couldn 't find one . He told me that Holly could exchange her mixer for a different color if she wanted to . As I was paying , he asked me if I had a mixer like that . I said that I did not . . . that I had been married 33 years and had made it just fine with a hand - mixer ( or three ) . He asked if this new mixer was a Christmas gift for someone . I told him it was my daughter 's birthday , and that I wanted to get her something she would remember getting when she turned 25 . He looked up at me and very quietly said , " wow . She must really be special . No one has ever spent this much money on me in my entire life . " Not gonna lie . . . I had to fight back the tears . I was so thankful for my daughter , and even though I was thrilled to buy this gift for her , it in no way measured my love for her . I loved her the same amount before and after I bought her the present . I told Jim the other day that I realize where they coined the term " middle aged . " I said it was because even though people aren 't quite done raising their kids , they start having issues with or caring for their parents at the same time . They 're in the middle . To which Jim , ever the ray of sunshine , said , " I hate to tell you , but we passed middle age a lonnnng time ago . . . unless you think we 're gonna live til we 're 100 . " But I 'm not even kidding . Every morning when I wake up , I pick up my phone to check the time . And every morning , there is message after message from people with prayer requests and needs . I can feel my heart drop before I even start reading them . Most of them are from people I know in my real life . But now that I 've started blogging , there is this whole other world out there with people I 've never met . People who share their hearts with complete strangers . There are a lot of problems with social media . . it 's over - use and potential abuse . . . but to me , it is like one big prayer chain . Fifteen years ago , when Clark was sick with his cancer , social media was not as big as it is now . Email was the big thing . I remember friends telling me that they sent our prayer request for Clark out in an email to their family and friends . . . and some of them passed it on . . . and some of THEM passed it on . And , as Joshua would say , " and so on and so FOR . " " They " say there is 6 degrees of separation between any given person and any other given person . My husband likes to say that , in Arkansas , it 's about 2 degrees . I remember people telling me that Clark was on the prayer list at their parent 's church . . . or their cousin 's church . . . or at their best friend 's sister 's baby - sitter 's mother 's Bible Study . Friends would tell me that people in Europe . . . or Japan . . . were praying for Clark . SO cool ! The elderly man who lived across our street said he couldn 't remember Clark 's name , but when he prayed , he asked God to heal and protect " the little blond - haired boy from across the street . . . GOD knows , " he would tell me . And one man stopped my father - in - law at the gas station and told him he was praying for his grandson . But now I am able to get prayer requests from people I don 't even know . That 's part of what I love about the body of Christ . We don 't have to know someone or their situation personally in order to pray for them . And so many have prayed for our family . . . it 's a blessing and a privilege to pray for others . So , my best friend 's mom has just been diagnosed with colon cancer . . . she 's in the hospital . Another friend 's mom had a stroke this week . Another friend 's mom fell and is having surgery right now . Several friends have asked for prayer for their children . And the list goes on and on . Tonight , my heart is heavy for this sweet lady . I don 't know her , but found her blog about a year ago via a prayer request . Would you pray for her and her family ? And their son , " Tiny Tim ? " That part is being played by one of the female friends who would make two of Joshua . Joshua watched the movie where Tiny Tim rides around on his Dad 's ( Bob Cratchit ) shoulders . Joshua said , " uhh . . . NOT gonna happen . " I just can 't tell you how much I am looking forward to this program . Last year 's was . . . well , exceptional . And I 'm not making fun . . . it was seriously hilarious . You just have to know the friends . That 's what made it so funny . The Director , Mrs . Sherrie , let the friends write it themselves , so while it was supposed to be along the lines of " The Gift of the Magi , " Joshua started off the program by reading the true Christmas story from Luke 2 , and it was really sweet . But then somewhere in the middle of one of the scenes in " The Gift of the Magi , " the Grinch stomped on stage and took all the presents and everything else that was on the stage . I spent the day with Holly . We went to a pre - birthday lunch and then did some shopping . Her birthday is this week , and they are going to be out - of - town . I wanted to take advantage of this day to hang out with her . Tonight , Jim grilled steaks and Holly and Aaron came over and ate with us . We had baked potatoes . . . I made a sweet potato for Jim . . . steamed broccoli , spinach salad and rolls . Everything was really good . I did not make a dessert . I figure we will do a cake or something this weekend . Secondly . . . turn it into muscle ? I 'm sure he would 've flexed his muscles at the table , but he would 've had to put down his fork . He was CHOWING DOWN on his steak . I thought I was a really responsible mother . I never left my children unattended . I kept them buckled up , strapped in . . . held their hands when they crossed the street . I kept the medicines put up in a high cabinet , and I had protective devices on all of the cabinet and drawers . I was diligent . . . watchful . I was in a hurry that day . . . but even at that , I knew not to ever leave children in the car . And isn 't it like us to think that we know better than what everyone says . . . because it won 't happen to us , right ? I was just going to jump out " real quick " and run in . . . and put the movie in the little slot . I mean , by the time I got the kids unbuckled , I could be done . . . so it was really going to be a waste of time to get them out , haul them in with me . In the short time it had taken me to jump out and run into the movie store , Joshua had somehow slithered out of his car - seat and had gotten in my seat . At the time , I drove an ISUZU Trooper that was standard shift . Joshua had accidentally ( or on purpose . . . who even knows ? ) knocked the gear into neutral . Since I had parked on an incline , the truck was rolling backwards . Joshua was standing up in the drivers seat , both hands clasped tightly on the steering wheel . . . BIG , HUGE GRIN on his face . Holly was strapped in her car - seat in the back - seat . She was sucking on her pacifier , staring at me . I could see her clearly because she was in the middle of the back - seat . I guess I should 've known . Joshua was a little wild man , a Houdini . I needed extra eyes , hands and feet to keep up with him ! I got pretty good at reading him . . . assessing the situation when we were out . . . predicting and preventing some of his behavior . But it took time to hone that skill , and I 'm only one woman . I can 't do it all . . . and this was when Joshua was really young . I got lost in those almond - shaped eyes and all common sense and reason just fell out of my head . I was able to run out and stop the vehicle . I 'm sure everyone in the movie store got a good laugh out of it . I learned my lesson and never , ever , EVER left my kids in the car again , even for even the quickest of errands . It was already half - way painted . . . BLUE . Which was supposed to be green . . . which is the color I wanted , and the color it showed on the little sample card . But it was definitely BLUE after I got it on the walls . So , I left it that way . . . half blue , half the gold - y color that was on there to begin with . I just wasn 't motivated to finish the job when I wasn 't thrilled with the color . I finally went back to the paint store a couple of weeks ago and talked to one of the technicians there and explained what I wanted . I took home 2 samples , and painted swatches of each color on several walls . I still wasn 't feeling too confident , since the LAST green color I chose turned out to be blue . . . but I finally bit the bullet last week and ordered 2 gallons of one of the green colors . I just knew Jim wasn 't happy with the blue . . . he loves green . . . and I figured , hey , it couldn 't be worse . Annnnnnnd . . . I 'm now half - way done . Again . Maybe I can finish most of the first coat tomorrow while Joshua is with his group . I 'm excited to get it done now ! Clark had an appointment this afternoon with the doctor who will be taking out his wisdom teeth over the Christmas break . I was kind of nervous about driving in by myself because of the road conditions , but Jim surprised me by saying he was going to take a half - day of vacation , and we could all go . . . and then go out to dinner after the appointment ! Winner , winner , chicken dinner ! And this whole wisdom tooth thing . . . it could be bad . . . REAL bad . I don 't know . I had mine out with NO problems . Holly had hers out . . . by the same oral surgeon . . . NO problems . But Clark ? I can just tell how he 's gonna be . . . and I hope I 'm wrong . He was taking everything in . . . like all the side - effects , all the bad things that could happen : dry socket , infection , allergic reactions . . . DEATH . I 'm pretty sure he will have several unusual things happen to him and several others that he will imagine in his head . When Joshua was little and he was cold , he would say , " I be freeze . " Isn 't that the cutest thing ever ? So , of course , that is what we started saying and still say even now when we are cold . . . " I be freeze . " I 'm not really cold . We have power and it 's toasty warm in our home . I was outside shoveling a path from our garage to one of the vehicles . . . and I guess I got cold down to my bones . Can 't get warm now . We 've had a good day . We did not go to church , altho they had one service this morning . We have basically been holed up here all day . And just got word that schools are closed again tomorrow . I think that 's the right call , but I sure don 't like making up the snow days later . One of my children , who shall remain nameless , but his name rhymes with " Park , " may or may not be being a crab because he doesn 't like being " stuck in the house . " Never mind the fact that he has been at his girlfriend 's house most of the day . . . which I made the mistake of telling him after he made his " stuck in the house " remark . He looked at me and said , " I mean , have you ever heard of cabin fever ? " Because what I wanted to say was , " have you ever heard of childbirth ? Or being " stuck " for days on end in a hospital room with a child when you don 't know if they will live or die ? Yeah . Or four children under the age of 10 at the grocery store . . . or , better yet , " stuck " in a car for 16 hours so we can take y ' all to flippin ' Disney World ? " I don 't usually get cabin fever . I don 't know if God just made me that way , or if I 've learned because of my circumstances ( with Joshua ) that I can 't always get out and go and do like other people . . . but I 'm pretty content at home if we have power . And food . I can tell exactly what he 's doing . I hear him in the pantry getting cereal . I hear him get out a bowl and spoon . I hear him rattle his bottles of vitamins and fish oil and whatever else it is that he takes . He drinks Metamucil mixed with a small amount of orange juice . His doctor says it 's good for him . It 's thick and I hear him say , " UGH " every morning as he swallows it , and then clanks his glass down on the ceramic counter - top . I hear him go out front and get the newspaper . I hear him turn on the tv . I hear him go into the garage to get dog food . If the cat is in there , she runs into the house . I hear him say , " Kitty . . . get back here . " But these last two mornings . . . they are ice - storm mornings . They are different . We get to sleep in because everything in town is canceled . . . work , school , church . Roads are closed . Shops are closed . If you have power , and we do , it 's a nice and cozy day at home . My husband . . . he got up early and left early the past two mornings . I usually walk him out . He will say , " don 't get up . " I get up anyway . Usually . This morning , I did not . I kinda heard him moving around , but I didn 't fully wake up when he left . He called me later on . He said he couldn 't get out of our neighborhood the usual way . He tried twice and kept sliding . He finally turned around and went the back way to the main road . I made blueberry muffins this morning . I promised Joshua last night that I would . I said , " if we still have power in the morning , I will make blueberry muffins for breakfast . " I heard Joshua come downstairs pretty early . The boy does NOT sleep late . I imagined him looking around and sniffing . Seeing no muffins and no MOM . . . he went back upstairs . Croc . . . croc . . . croc . I smiled as I got up out of bed . The other day , Jim asked me if we had a certain item in our pantry . I can 't remember now what it was . I told him I didn 't know . One of the kids said , " why are you asking Mom ? " Jim said , " well , because she runs our home . " And the kids fell out laughing . . . because they all know Dad is DAD . But , I know what he means . I try to keep things going around here , so that Jim doesn 't have to worry about us while he 's at work . Especially on an ice - storm day . I 'm no housekeeper , not by a long - shot , but I like for it to be homey in here . . . for it to feel cozy and smell good , like something is baking . I 've always wanted our home to be a safe and welcoming place . That when our kids come home from a rough day at school or work or practice , or Jim comes in from work . . . they can shut the door and walk inside and feel those burdens lift from their shoulders . Even if for a little while . When Jim came in last night , the house was clean . It 's decorated for Christmas with trees and lots of little twinkling lights . He hadn 't had dinner , and I sat at the table with him as he ate . It 's stressful days during ice - storms . The longer people go without power , the more irate they get . . . the more dangerous it gets for utility workers . Last year , they had security at his office because there had been threats . It 's not the first time . Restoration is never fast enough for anyone , and people are cold and hungry . But this night ? There was home . And chili , and crackers that had been warmed in the oven . . . and chocolate pie . He got a call from a guy at work . That guy always has a story to tell . You never know what he is going to say . Tonight it was something funny , and , as tired as Jim was , and as frustrating as his day had been , he threw back his head and laughed and laughed , just listening to his friend . We are all home . Well , Jim is at work , of course , but Joshua is here and Clark is out of school today . Holly and Aaron are at their house . Logan and Morgan are at their college , even tho it closed today because of the weather . And Logan was supposed to have two FINALS today . Urgh . The finals have been rescheduled for next WEDNESDAY . . . so instead of coming home this weekend , he won 't be able to come home until some time late next week . Which , I mean , they couldn 't really GET home anyway , what with the weather and the roads . Thankfully , they are safe . Logan lives in a house with another guy . . . Morgan lives in the dorm . I sure hope they don 't lose power . We didn 't get snow here . . . we got sleet . The schools are canceled today , but it 's not like we got this awesome snow to play in . Still , some of the kids in our neighborhood were out on a sled in the street . Which , oh to be young again . . . I about brained myself just walking out to get the mail . What I have done . . . folded LAUNDRY . Everything was already clean . . . sheets and towels and clothes . I always get all that stuff done before a storm . But I 've been running around this week and haven 't had time to fold all of it . It 's all piled up on Logan 's empty bed . I 've about got it all done ! Let 's see , what else . Oh , I talked to my Dad . He and Clara live in the Tulsa area . They have power and are doing okay . My Dad is not a fan of cold weather . He is so funny . When he answered the phone , he said , " hey . . . wanna go to the mall ? " And then he laughed and laughed . He thought that was so funny . Have we had a small earthquake or something around here ? I didn 't feel it , but I would feel BETTER if we had . Because thinking an earthquake knocked down some boxes is a lot better than thinking anything else knocked them down . Our house feels so cozy today , but we miss Jim being here . As great as we have it right now . . . we still have power . . . I am mindful that someone 's best snow day is someone else 's hardest work day . Police , firefighters , medical personnel , utility workers . . . we expect them to be there when we need them no matter what . As a matter of fact , my best friend , Stacy . . . her mom had an unplanned but necessary surgery this morning . I am very thankful for the surgeons and medical staff who came in to work today . . . in spite of the weather . Sure wish Jim was home safe and sound . He is in LR with a bunch of the other managers from his work , getting things ready and staged . . . and doing a lot of answering questions and waiting . You can be as prepared as possible , but you can 't prevent weather . . . and you can 't fix what it messes up until after it happens . People are gonna lose power . . . it 's already happening in some parts of our state . I spent part of the day in LR with Holly . We dropped Joshua off with his group for a few hours . It 's the last day of their fitness class of this year , and he didn 't want to miss it . PLUS , his group was going to Panera Bread for lunch , and , not gonna lie . . . there hasn 't been a storm , disaster or weather warning yet that will make any of the friends want to miss an outing to a restaurant . Holly had a hair appointment , so I went with her . She got a bunch of hair cut off . . . 5 - 6 inches , probably . And her hair is STILL longer than mine . I was fit - to - be - tied about the weather , like , the whole time we were there . Can 't help it . I didn 't really think it was the smartest idea ever to go into LR on a day when freezing rain had been predicted anyway . . . I just didn 't want Holly to go by herself . I spent nearly the whole time at the salon checking the radar . Holly said I was about out of control . . . that I may or may not have been a little rude . . . and loud . She said I was loud . She basically said I get all out - of - sorts like the people in the Snickers commercials who are " just not themselves " until they have a Snicker bar . . . and she gave everyone an " Exhibit A " example from yesterday when the crowds and shopping at Target were about to PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE . She left me in the line to pay and she walked over to the Starbuck 's that 's in the Target store to get coffee and a treat . . . and then basically fed me pieces of lemon pound cake while I drove home . She said I was back to my happy self in 10 minutes . Holly offered to drive home . . . which I appreciated because she is a good driver . . . but just the thought of being a passenger in my own car on potentially wet or icy roads would be enough to turn me into one of those Garfield car window things with the suction cups on the paws . I would be stuck on the window and trying to get out ! I said the only way I was letting her drive was 1 ) if I was dead , or 2 ) if I was dying , or 3 ) completely knocked out . But we made it to Panera Bread and picked up Joshua . Holly got a to - go order of soup and half of a sandwich and we took off . I gobbled down half of her half - a - sandwich and immediately felt better . And , 35 minutes later , we pulled into our town , and the freezing rain hadn 't started yet ( thankfully ) . I was feeling MUCH better , so we did what other normal people would do in a similar situation : we went to Hobby Lobby . I 've got groceries . . . most of them . I think there 's a couple of things I could run by and get . . . just to have . I mean , I pretty much have a menu of things I can make for the next several days . . . chili , soup , chicken and dumplins . . . and no one wants to buy too much . If you lose power and it 's days before it 's fixed , you could lose a lot of that food . Because as cold as it could be in your house , it 's probably not gonna be cold enough to keep meat completely frozen . . . or milk completely cold . . . or ice - cream from melting . And , it 's when we have weather like this that I like to tell people my # 1 tip for if / when the power goes out . . . well , the first thing I do BEFORE the power goes out . . . BEFORE the bad weather . . . is to get all the laundry caught up . I 'm talking TOWELS AND SHEETS . . . because you never know who might be at your house . You might have family or friends who need a warm place to stay , and you for sure want to have clean sheets and towels , am I right ? I 've written about my family . . . about how my parents were raised , and how they raised us . I feel like I am far removed from both ways . I 'm not nearly as reserved as my Dad 's side . . . but I 'm also not as open as my Mom 's side . And Jim 's mom and dad were raised differently as well , but family is important to all of us . We don 't get to pick our families . We know that . And sometimes in some families things are hard . . . even unbearable . It makes my heart hurt to hear of these situations . I think you really see it after you have kids of your own . You think about how you were raised and how you want things to be different . Or that you want things to be the same . And you hear about your friends ' parents taking their entire families to Disney World or on a ski trip . . . and how their holidays are right out of a Hallmark commercial , complete with hot chocolate and football in the backyard and everyone smiling at dinner . . . and MAN , you wish YOUR family did things like that . Or maybe your friends have parents who keep their kids on a regular basis . Or occasionally so you can have a date night , or go on a weekend trip . And yours don 't . . . or won 't . . . or can 't . . . or they live too far away . But , you know , some people are selfish . . . . they were that way as kids , they were that way as parents . . . don 't expect things to be different when they have grandchildren . Maybe they don 't think they are being selfish at all . Maybe they may feel like they 've worked hard and now is their " me " time . They love their family in their own way , and will fit you in when they can . . . and they are fine with that . They would be hurt if they knew how you really felt . Maybe it 's the way their family does things . Maybe it 's the only way they know . But I think that people can only do what they can do . . . what they WANT to do . And fretting and stewing over it and wishing things were different . . . is only going to hurt YOU . You can 't make people be a certain way , any more than they could change YOU if they wanted to . It 's just not going to happen . Now , YOU can change YOU . . . with God 's help . But even that won 't change your past . . . I wish I had been a better daughter , sister and friend . . . but it can change your future . HE can change your future . There may always be things that bug you about your family , or certain family members . . . or maybe you are one of those where everything is perfect ! Or maybe you are one of those where family equals all manner of horror . I don 't think you owe anyone " family time " in those types of situations . Our number one priority as parents is to protect our children from harm , in as much as it depends on us . . . and so if there is a history of any type of abuse , I say , " run Forrest run . " These friends are frustrated with the level of support they get from their parents . . . especially when it comes to them as grandparents . I just suggested that they are going to have to accept that it is what it is . No more , no less . And for the most part , they have . They have ( wisely ) made a genuine effort to find friends of different ages to be their " family . " They have several couples who are older . . . who can be sources of wisdom and encouragement in their lives when they aren 't getting that from their own families . My best friend , Stacy , gave me a sign that I have in my kitchen . It says , " friends are the family we choose for ourselves . " I have a good family that I love , but they all live far away . . . so our friends have stepped in and stood in the gap for us many , many times . . . like family . So Friday was the big day . The day we had waited for all season . Clark 's football team had made it to the 3rd round of play - offs and we were headed up to NWA ( northwest Arkansas ) for the game . Jim had to work a few hours that morning , but Clark had to be at the field - house by 9 : 30 for the team breakfast . . . and a movie . . . and all the gettin ' ready stuff that boys and teams do before a big game . They were going to leave at 12 : 30 , but the families were invited to come up at 12 : 15 and line the streets around the school . . . so Jim and I headed up there . I was thankful to see so many come out and support our boys . Jim , Joshua and I left town around 3 . We picked up Clark 's friend , Faith , on the way up the road a bit . We stopped to eat before we got to the game . At the restaurant , there was a little , old couple . They had already caught my attention because of how they were dressed . Not judging . . . it was just pretty pitiful . Actually , the woman looked okay . The man ? Not so much . I watched them for a while and breathed a little prayer for them . . . mindful of my many blessings and of that old saying , " there but for the grace of God go I . " Or something like that . I was trying hard not to make up a story about them in my head like Jim 's mother does , but I couldn 't help but wonder what . . . why ? As they finished their meal , the woman sneezed several times as they cleared their trash off the table . She walked to the bathroom and the man waited for her at the table . Eeeek ! I told him real quick that there was no way I was going in there . I mean , I would rather " go " on the road beside the car than to set one foot into that bathroom . Really , our team played HARD . Our opponents were used to rolling over pretty much every other team . We were predicted to lose by 18 . We lost by a touchdown in the last quarter . We beat ourselves , but we also made them work for the win . I 've been up a while . I 've seen Jim off to work and Clark off to school . On the days Joshua and I don 't have to go into LR , I will come back to my room . . . to my bed . . . and post up with a cup of coffee , my Bible and my lap - top . I hear him in the kitchen . He 's trying hard to be quiet . Honestly , if I was asleep . . . he would not have woken me up . On Saturdays , when we make a big family breakfast , he will " croc " down the stairs half - way . . . just til he can bend his head down and peer into the living room / kitchen area . He just wants to survey the situation . If he sees me cooking , he goes back up . No sense coming all the way down . He 'll just check again later . But this morning , I hear him put his pop - tarts in the toaster . I struggle with whether to go in there with him or not . Most of the time , I do . . . sometimes , in the mornings . . . because I know his routine , I just let him be . I can hear him get his juice . He loves him some orange juice . I can hear him quietly pull the chair away from the table . I can picture him now . It 's the same every day . I 've already been up , so the blinds are open . He will sit at the table . . . he will not turn on the light . He thinks everyone should " learn to enjoy the sunlight . " He looks out the window while he eats . . . and he checks his phone for messages and updates . When he 's done , I hear him lift the lid on the trashcan . He rinses out his cup and puts it on the counter . He will use the same cup all day . He thinks it 's wasteful to do otherwise . I hear him on the carpet runner that 's in the hallway . I know he 's coming to check on me . The door is barely cracked . I can hear him breathing . His hand is on the door . . . opening it ever so slightly . And then I see his head . He peers in and smiles . . . " you up ? " He asks me how I slept . He always asks me how I slept . Sometimes he comes in and gives me a hug . Sometimes he eases out the same way he came in . Later , when I come into the living room . . . all of the " couch blankets " are folded neatly and piled on the couch . There are at least 3 of them . . . sometimes more . He stacks them up on the couch . He always folds them . I don 't ask him to . . . he just does . But people listen to photographers . They know what looks good and how to hold your hands and head . . . and what to do with your legs and feet . They can get people to do things that no family member can . . . typically . We headed to the park . . . 10 of us . 8 of us in the family , and 2 we treat like family . 10 pairs of eyes . 10 different attitudes . About that many different personalities . All in all , I think it went pretty well . . . all things considering . Holly and Faith took a ton of pictures . Holly looked at them quickly while on the way to dinner . She said out of all of them . . . there were only 2 that would be suitable . OH DEAR ! We might should 've stayed at the park a little longer ! We had a good time . They sat us at a long table , so I didn 't really get to interact with anyone at the other end . I was pretty much involved in the ones right in front of me : Joshua and Jenni . I had called Jenni 's mom to see if she could come with us . I mean , Holly has Aaron , Logan has Morgan , Clark has Faith . . . and that leaves Joshua without a " special person . " They are all really good about including him , so I don 't think he feels the " I 'm not a couple " thing every time we go somewhere , but my mother - in - law thinks he does . And , you know , I guess if he feels it once . . . it 's one time too many . She is just very sensitive , sometimes overly sensitive , when it comes to him . Jenni is a sweetie , but bringing her requires planning . . . because it 's different . Just like when her parents invite Joshua to go with them . We know Joshua . . . and can usually predict what he will do . . . what he will like . . . what he can tolerate ; how long he can go between potty breaks and meals ; how much walking he will endure without complaining . We know what things set him off , what things make him happy . We can tell when he 's full , when he 's sick , when he can 't hear . Bringing Jenni is . . . different . Joshua and Jenni had a big time with us today . And even tho Jenni was not in our family picture , she had fun " helping " Faith and Holly taking them . And we took several of the two of them together . . . they are HAMS in front of the camera ! But we knew that , of course . Joshua and Jenni enjoyed coming to dinner with everyone , but NO ONE enjoyed it more than my mother - in - law . She grinned and watched them both like hawks . She tried to offer them more food every time we turned our backs and Jim had to shut that down because NO THANK YOU , Mammaw Jack . We have a 35 minute car trip ahead of us ( taking Jenni home ) , and I am NOT wanting to get on that ride . We all made it fine and had a great time ! Didn 't nobody die ( name that movie ) ( Rush Hour ) and no one got car - sick . AND , Jim and I may have permanently sealed our place in the WILL after tonight . His mom hugged me and said over and over , " you have just made . my . night . " ( you know , by bringing Jenni for Joshua ) . She said , " I always love seeing EVERYONE , but . . . you know . . . " and she nodded her head toward Joshua . My family has been after me to start a blog because they say I have so many funny stories . Trouble is . . . now that I finally have a little time to actually record these memories , I can 't remember any of them ! This may be a blog about nothing , kinda like a Seinfeld episode ! I am very aware of God 's hand in my life , and I am thankful for His grace each day for the many times I mess up . I love spending time with my family and friends . I LOVE football ! I don 't really understand baseball all that much , but my brother and sisters love it , so I cheer on those Texas Rangers ! I 'm just a girl who came to a college in Arkansas many years ago . I didn 't know one single person in the entire state . I fell in love with a boy from the college across the Ravine , and we got married when we were way too young to know what in the world we were doing . If we had been able to see ahead to some of the bumps in the road God would allow in our lives , we would 've run screaming into the woods . We 've been married for a hundred years now , and God has blessed our family so much . After the birth of our first child , I had a " Jesus , Take the Wheel " moment . Turns out that philosophy works for every area of our lives . |
See what it took to get America 's # 1 black comedy stage play to the stage . " BEAUTY SHOP " set the standard for all theatrical stage productions , which followed in its path . The road was hard and long , but worth every second of the trails and tribulations , causing it to be a national phenomenon . © 2014 Shelly Garrett dam - three , see the lady on the corner of Baseline and Mt . Vernon about a belligerent husband . Adam - three - ten four . It 's about ten o ' clock in the evening and I am working the swing - shift in San Bernardino , California , as a patrolman with the Police Department . How many times did I ask myself , how did I end - up here ? Oh yeah , now I remember ; my dad worked for the mayor and he was assigned a project , and gladly accepted , which was getting more blacks on the city 's fire and police departments . I 'm not sure how many blacks were with the fire department , but before me , there were only four ; count them ; one , two , three , four ; four blacks on the San Bernardino Police Department . When my dad approached me about it , I just could not see me being a policeman ; since I was a leading radio disc jockey in the city . That 's right , better known as " Shelly the Music Man " on KFMW radio , 99 . 9 FM , rocking the city with the current R & B tunes ; now how on earth could I give that up and become a police officer ? The other D . J . 's were " Billy the Playboy , " " The Jazz Witness " and " The Reverend Cecil Neal . " My dad said , " Why do you have to give it up ? Why can 't you do them both ? " I said , really ? I can do both ? Never thought about that ? He said , " Just take the test and see what happens . " I agreed to do so . " There is really nothing to study , " he said , " Just go and take a test . " Well I did that for my dad and low and behold , would you believe I passed ? Next , the in - person interview was scheduled a few days later . I appeared for that interview and passed again . Wow , this is all happening too fast . The next step would be a physical examination and then the police academy for a few weeks . For some reason , I was beginning to get excited about this whole police officer thing . Okay , I went through the academy and passed it with flying colors . Now this is the part I was getting excited about ; riding around in the police car all by myself and turning on the lights and siren . For some reason , it would seem to give me a strange power . The next step was Well , he stayed in the hospital longer than one week . In fact , it was more like three weeks , due to the fractured ribs . I got the call and was advised that my punishment for the incident was to be a suspension without pay for two weeks . Now you know I acted a fool on that phone , but they told me to hold - on , because " Mr . Prejudice , " as I refer to him , was being suspended without pay for four weeks , twice as long as I . I didn 't have a problem with being suspended without pay ; but I told them I wanted a meeting , either with the chief of police or the assistant chief , as soon as possible . Well the meeting was set - up for the next day . Since Officer Baker taught me how to write a complete , detailed and concise report , I decided this was a good time to put my experience to work . I wrote a twenty page report as to what occurred at the briefing , as well as in the booking room . I even purchased a nice folder for it . Everything was very professional . I wanted to be armed with that report , when I went to the meeting the next day . It was the best writing I had ever done ; I must say so myself . When I arrived at the station , many of the other officer 's attitudes had changed . It was more like they were giving me the cold shoulder ; now ask me if I cared . Screw them ! My meeting was going to be with the chief and the assistant chief , which surprised me . Apparently they thought I wanted to meet with them , because I was upset about being suspended , without pay for two weeks . But quickly and shockingly , they learn that my meeting was requesting they terminate the other officer . I placed the report on the chief 's desk and said to him , everything that happened is in that report ; then briefly told them what happened during the riot briefing , but it was quite obvious , either they didn 't believe me , nor did they care or both . My vote would be the latter . So I asked them to call the sergeant into the meeting , since he was present and had witnessed the comment . They sort of resisted that request , however I was insistent on having him in therInstead , I went to my parent 's house and told my dad what was going - on . Now remember , he works for the mayor . My dad was outraged ; he immediately got on the phone with the mayor and told him what happened , all the way back from the riot briefing , up until now . He and the mayor were very good friends , plus my dad campaigned for him for the black vote during the election . The mayor told my dad he would take care of it . The next day , one of the black officers called me at home and advised me that in the briefing today , before they went out on patrol , everyone was warned , not to harass me or stop my vehicle or any other vehicle I was in and there is to be no contact with me , unless they have witnessed me committing a felony ; otherwise leave me alone . They were further advised , it was a direct order from the chief of police , which was handed - down from the mayor , and if anyone violated this order , it would be cause for immediate termination or long - term suspension , since they were placing the city at risk for an enormous lawsuit , and the mayor will not tolerate it . Strangely enough , when I would ride down the street , almost every time I saw a police car , they would quickly look the other way . Never did I have any more problems out of the San Bernardino Police Department . That 's when I quickly learned ; it 's not what you know , it 's who you know . Remember those prisoners who witnessed my altercation with " Mr . Prejudice ? Well later , they had spread the word all over the ' hood ' what had taken place in the police station and how I took a stance against a prejudice and unfair cop . The word got around very quickly that Shelly Garrett is not an " Uncle Tom . " I think the only good experience I received from being a police officer , within those two and a half years was learning how to write a very good report , and those writing skills would always stay with me throughout my future career . Good for me ! CHAPTER 2 n the meantime , as I was still on the radio doing my show everyday ; I thought it was time to go into another direction . Since this entertainment business was really my first love , I was intent on finding a way to make more money than I was getting at the radio station . My show was extremely popular throughout the city , so I decided to put together a musical revue . At that time , " Revues " were very popular . I wanted to try and emulate what they were doing . San Bernardino was full of talented singers , so I contacted them and advised them as to what my plans were and asked if they wanted to be a part of it . I think the fact that my name was so popular in the city , just from being on the radio , everyone I asked basically jumped at the opportunity to be on my revue . It was going to be called " The Shelly the Music Man Revue - Soul Show . " Yeah I know , the title is a bit long , but I needed to get it all in some kind of way . I had one singing group of five guys , who actually gave you the feeling of The Temptations ; a single male vocalist with a true velvet voice by the name of Peter Dixon ; A female singing group , that gave you the feeling of The Supremes ; a really young guy , who would come - out and dance just like James Brown ; and a full - figured female vocalist from Banning , California by the name of Cordelia Stewart . This girl could give Aretha Franklin a run for her money , because she sounded just like her . Now keep in mind , none of these people were over nineteen years of age . I now had a show , but where was I going to put it ? After checking around several places , I decided to have it in Riverside , California at the Riverside Municipal Auditorium . Now let me give you my reasoning on having it in Riverside . First of all , my radio show blanketed the city of Riverside , which is about twenty miles from San Bernardino . They are known as the twin cities and even though San Bernardino was actually the main city ; Riverside was known to have the prettiest girls , so this is how I figured it ; I knew the people in Riverside woulNow it just so happened that the little James Brown boy 's mother called me and told me what was going on , behind my back . She said she was telling me this , because she and her husband are so thankful for what I was doing with their son and how I had made him a " star " within the twin cities . Everyone knew him now as " Little James Brown , " which is how I referred to him on the show and on the radio . She went - on to tell me how her son 's self - confidence is over the top and how well he is doing in school now , especially since he is the " star " of his school , as just a fourth grader . After learning that the other act 's secret intentions were to come to the next scheduled show , in four days and if I didn 't agree to pay them , they would refuse to perform ; which they felt would leave me between a rock and a hard place . Well for some unknown reason , they decided not to wait until show night and came to me the very next day , demanding I pay them one hundred dollars per person . Now I didn 't know if they had all gotten together and gotten drunk or smoked some drugs , but I certainly knew that was not going to happen . As a matter of fact , I thought they had all lost their minds , especially since there were about twelve of them all together . To their big surprise , I dropped everyone , except " Little James Brown , " whom I paid one hundred and fifty dollars , per show , just to open . He was good at getting the crowd hyped and he was only on - stage for ten minutes . His parents were not only thankful , they were elated . But I was thankful , as well , just for giving me a heads - up , as to what was getting ready to take place . Anyway , after finding this out , I immediately went on the air with an all new commercial , announcing there would no longer be a revue , with a bunch of singers , but instead a big dance party . I named it " Shelly Garrett 's Twin Cities Dance Party " and the success started all over again . I was back to seven hundred folks in the house at seven dollars a head , so yes , I did the math again . What a beautiful thing it was . Now juKnowing of the vehicle , the television crew wanted to use my car in the opening shots of the production . So the show would open with my car coming - up the street and stopping in - front of the television station . The camera would pan - up , showing the call letters of the station . Then cut - away to me getting - out of the car wearing a fur cape ; yes that 's what I said , a fur cape . There were two stunningly beautiful girls waiting for me on the sidewalk , acting when I arrived . As I step - on the side walk , they each grabbed my arms and embrace me , while I 'm walking toward the front door . The camera was getting front and rear shots of the entire scene . Two security guards would open the front glass doors to the studio lobby and allow me to enter ; girls in tow . Inside , the girls and I would turn right and walk - down a long hallway to " Studio One , " which was printed on the double doors . Underneath , a sign reads , " Doing It with Shelly ! " The camera was in front of us , showing the walk to the double doors , and as we arrived , a sign lights - up saying , " On the Air . " The doors swing open and there would be about one hundred teens dancing in the studio , to my theme song , which was " Shaft " by Isaac Hayes . After entering the studio , the two girls would simultaneously kiss me on the cheek , before allowing me to walk away to the bandstand . I must say , it was a dynamic opening and extremely popular . Now keep in mind , " Soul Train " was on the air , broadcasting from Los Angeles during the same time , so the shows were more - less the same format . My show would play the same music , instead I would have local talent on my show ; and guess who wanted to be on the show ? You guess it , the same group who decided to demand money from me . And guess who did not appear on my show ; right again , none of them ! You see , it doesn 't pay to " burn your bridges . " Do you think you could guess who did become a continuing guest on my television show and got paid for it ? You 're right again , " Little James Brown , " which now made him an even bigger " star " in the area , sIt became time to find another source of extra income , so I decided I was getting a little tired of playing records ; now I wanted to produce them . I went into Los Angeles and registered a record label name called , " Shelly Records , " with a publishing company I named " Cisco Publishing . " I approached a local vocalist named Jimmy Conner , who had a beautiful voice , about recording on my label and he was excited to do so . I found a recording studio in Los Angeles on Melrose Blvd . , by the name of Harmony Recorders . The studio was just down the street from Paramount Film Studios . We would be in the studio for hours at twenty - five dollars an hour and finally came - out with a song called " I Want to Get Married . " I would play that song over and over on my radio show and anyone who wanted to buy it , could do so , at all of the local record stores in San Bernardino and Riverside . The largest record store at that time was Alvin 's Music Center on Baseline Avenue in San Bernardino . There was another store on Highland Avenue , just West of Muscott in a shopping center , but I can 't recall the name . Anyway , they just couldn 't keep the record in stock . I had the records in the stores on consignment ; meaning whatever they sold , they would keep fifty cents and hold the rest for me . Jimmy Conner was making fifteen cents on each copy sold , so he was more than happy , plus his record was being played on the radio with heavy rotation . He used to tell me , every girl in San Bernardino and Riverside has offered to marry him now . I think he was saying it as a joke , I hoped . I remember how I would go to Los Angeles to a record printing press and watch them make records . I always thought it was so interesting . Of course they had their charges too . I went to the radio stations in Los Angeles to try and get airplay for my single , but the only station that agreed to play it was an AM station called KGFJ , 1230 . This was an extremely popular radio station there . They agreed to place it on their " Sneak Preview " list of new artists , which they would give A s I continue with my radio show and the dances , " Billy the playboy " and I are invited to host a James Brown concert at San Bernardino 's Swing Auditorium on the National Orange Show grounds . We knew it was going to be big because the promoter came in the station and bought - up all of the available radio time and I do mean all of it . It seemed like we were running James Brown commercials on every single stop - set . The day of the event , they were having a mid - day sound check , so Billy and I decided to go and check - it out . I must say , we were very excited . The show was already sold - out . When we arrived at the venue , there were several stagehands working diligently moving speakers and microphone stands , setting - up drum stands ; I mean just busy to the point they were almost bumping into each other . We sat out in the empty auditorium and watched the action ; and then it happened ; I mean it really happened ; Mr . James Brown himself walked onto the stage . Billy and I began elbowing each other , without saying a word . He said something like , ya 'll ready ? One of the guys said yes - sir Mr . Brown . As a matter of fact , we quickly noticed anyone that addressed him or answered him , always said , yes - sir or no - sir Mr . Brown . Wow , what respect I thought . He was strictly business . There was no laughing or fooling around ; it was let 's take care of business . The band began playing a song and I can 't remember which of his songs it was , but in the middle of the tune , Mr . Brown gives the band the cut - off sign and they quickly stop . He turns to the drummer and asks him what the problem was . The drummer said , " Nothing Mr . Brown . " James chastised him and told the drummer he is never to take his eyes off of him , as long as he is on the stage , never ! Mr . Brown asked the fellow if he understood , and again he answered , " Yes - sir , Mr . Brown . " James Brown said , " You know what I can do , now don 't you ? " And the drummer said , " Yes - sir , Mr . Brown . " " Okay , now let 's try this again , " blurted the Godfather of soul . Then they started the song all over again . FoAfter that , there were other times when we would go to the world famous ' Whiskey - A - Go Go ' with our little tape recorders and interview celebrities and play them back on our show . Then we would get " drops " from the entertainers and play them on our show , as well . A " drop " is something like , " Hi this is James Brown and when I 'm in town , I listen to Shelly the Music Man , on the big ' K ' , 99 . 9 FM , K - F - M - W . " I 'm sure you hear those all the time on the radio stations you listen to now ; those are called " drops , " simply because they can drop - it between songs , or even at the beginning of a song , over the musical introduction . When the celebrity stops talking , the vocalist starts singing . We did quite a few of them ; I think the last interview Billy and I did together was from John Lee Hooker . If you don 't know who that is , he 's a down - home , blues singer ; however one I never played on my show , since it was geared to a younger audience , but Billy did play the blues on occasion . There was one night Ike and Tina Turner were going to be at ' The Whiskey , ' so Billy and I planned on going there to get an interview . However , when the show arrived in town , he was very sick with a cold , to the point , he was losing his voice , so I had to go and do it all by myself . As usual , I got there very early and Ike and Tina were led into the interview room by a very pretty lady . This is the same room where we always did the interviews . The lady 's name is Rhonda ; now I didn 't know who she was , but she seemed as if she had some kind of control . Ike and Tina sat down on the couch in - front of me and Rhonda left . I vaguely remember how very nice and accommodating they both were . I mean , there was no ego at all ; they didn 't brush me off , like some big stars are known to do . I introduced myself as one of the disc jockeys at the radio station . We all shook hands and got comfortable . I already had my little tape recorder out and ready to begin . I don 't ' even remember any of the questions I asked them , but they were basically the same ones we would ask The next day , the time seemed to go so slowly . I remember leaving San Bernardino at twelve noon . Normally , it only takes about one hour and fifteen minutes to make the sixty mile drive , but I didn 't want to be late for any reason . Now I must say , I didn 't tell " Billy the Playboy , " because he may have wanted to come with me and I wanted to experience this all by myself . As I was going west on interstate 10 , I made sure to drive very carefully , as to not get into an accident or anything that would stop me from getting to the stars ' home . I kind of knew the area where they lived , which was View Park . It was higher - up the hill , past Baldwin Hills . I was not familiar with Olympiad Avenue , which was the name of their street . After asking several people at service stations in the area , they said they didn 't know where it was either . Finally I asked a lady walking - down the street on Crenshaw , near 42nd and she said , " Yes it 's a couple of blocks up and you 're see it on the right . That 's all I wanted to know ; I figured the rest would be easy finding the address , since all I had to do was just follow the numbers . I did that quite often as a police officer . I still had another hour to kill , so I rode down to Western Avenue , near Adams to the original Fatburger stand . I mean , I was a regular there . It was hard for me to come to Los Angeles and not go by Fatburger ; however I would usually do so on my way back to San Bernardino . They were the best hamburgers on God 's green earth , that 's for sure . After getting my burger , I headed - back toward my destination . It was about two - forty , so I knew I had twenty minutes to find the address . As I turned on Olympiad from Crenshaw , I thought I would be coming - up on the address very quickly . Little did I know the Turner address was basically at the top of the hill ; I guess that 's why it 's called View Park . I mean , everyone can 't afford to live in View Park . I finally see their address on this really nice one story home . There was a Rolls Royce parked in the driveway . I was quite surprised tI followed Ike outside and we got into that Rolls Royce parked in the driveway . Yes , it was my first time in one ; nice ride , really nice ride . During the short ride , there was a little small talk , such as what was the name of the station where I worked ; what part of the city did I live in , you know , just small talk . When he found - out I lived in San Bernardino , he appeared quite shocked that I would drive all the way to Los Angeles to get a " drop . " Why is everyone so shocked about me driving to L . A . to do this ? Actually , I would have driven here anyway , just to hang - out with these superstars . Minutes later we pull into the parking lot of an older office building in Baldwin Hills , which is about fifteen minutes from the house . Getting - out of the car , he said , " Come - on . " Ike never said where we were going or anything else , until we walked into the building and into a small , two room office . A tall man came from the other room . He and Ike shook hands and the fellow said , " Come on back . " Ike followed the guy and I followed Ike into the small room , which boasts a few gold records on the wall . There were some other awards and plaques scattered through - out the room too . Ike still hasn 't introduced us , until he stutters while asking me , " Do you know who this is ? " What an embarrassing question , because I had no idea , so I had to say no . He said , " Well I just wanted to see if you two were related ; this is Vernon Garrett , " then turns to Vernon and says " His name is Garrett too ; Shelby Garrett . " I almost let it go , but I corrected him and said Shelly . Vernon extended his hand for a handshake . We did so , just before Vernon asked me if I was related to some Garrett 's in Mississippi ; I assured him that I wasn 't , since he kept asking if I was sure . Anyway , Vernon handed Ike some rolled money bills from his drawer and just like that , the meeting was over . Vernon walked - us to the front door and we were off . From there , we made another stop at a private residence , not far from the office . Ike said , " I 'll be back in a minute , " or somI hear footsteps coming from the hallway . High - heel footsteps ; it 's her , its Tina Turner . She looks at me and glances at Ike saying , " Hi . " Tina never breaks her stride , as she heads for the kitchen . Ike asks her , " Are you ready to do this ? " She says , " Yes , just give me a second . " Tina continues into the kitchen . From there she yells , " How are you Shelby ? " I reply , Oh I 'm fine , thank you . As she enters the room with a glass of ice water in her hand , Ike corrects her saying , " His name is Shelly . " Tina says , " Oh Shelly ; I 'm sorry . " No problem , I replied , it happens all the time . They both sit - on the couch facing me , just as they did at ' The Whiskey . ' I have my trusty tape recorder ready to record . Tina asks , " What would you like for us to say and how long should it be ? " It can be as long as you like , was my reply . I would like for you to say when you 're in town , you always listen to Shelly the Music Man on KFMW , 99 . 9 FM . She said , wait - a - minute , let me write that down . Ike handed her a pencil from his pocket and there was some scattered papers on the coffee table she used to write the call - letters and the frequency down . Tina then orchestrated the whole thing , even rehearsing the " drop " three or four times , before recording it . She suggested it the following way : Ike says , " Hi this is Ike … , " Tina says , " And Tina Turner … , " Ike says , " And whenever we 're in town we always keep our radio tuned to … , " Tina says , " KFMW … , " Ike says , " 99 . 9 FM … , " Tina says , " And our good friend Shelly the Music Man … , " Ike says , " Don 't you move that dial ! " Now believe it or not , this took about thirty minutes to do , because they both wanted it to be perfect . Actually , he wanted it to be right more than Tina . I didn 't care , because I knew I had them on tape and I was going to run this " drop " to death . There would be no doubt about that . Afterwards , I remember Tina asking " Is that it ? " I thought about asking them to do one for Billy , but mine took so long , I was embarrassed to mention to them about doing another , so I said , that 's CHAPTER 4 t 's around six o ' clock now and the doorbell rings . Rhonda makes her way to the door and a couple of guys enter the room . She introduces us ; this is when I learn they are members of the band . Within the next five minutes or so , the bell constantly rings and people continue to enter . During one of those arrivals , a lady enters , who looks very familiar to me . I know I 've seen her before , but I have no idea as to where it was . I learn she is one of the " Ikettes . " Soon everyone is there and Tina emerges from the backroom . There is no doubt that Ike Turner is in - charge of the rehearsal . They begin playing some very familiar tunes ; but soon after , they go into some songs I had never heard before . He interrupts the rehearsal quite often , instructing the guys how to play a note on the guitar , or bass , or drums ; I mean it seems he knew how to play every note on every instrument in the band , but why isn 't he playing his ? He came into the room with a guitar , leaned it against the wall and never picked it up . He was like an orchestra leader during the rehearsal . Tina was belting - out the songs , just like we see on television or during one of their concerts . She was using a microphone , I guess so as to be heard over the loud band and believe me , they were very loud . The three " Ikettes " were all sharing one microphone , which was stationed on a mike stand near Tina . There was one time , Tina stopped the girls and said something like , " No girl , we changed that . " One of them said , " Oh yeah , I 'm sorry , that 's right . " They started again and the song was completed . It sounded good to me . As the evening progressed , Ike seemed to be getting a little irritated with his guitar player . He stopped the song and said something to him like ; man can 't you hear that you 're playing those notes wrong ? Ike picked - up his instrument and played the song without any other accompaniment . " That 's the way it 's supposed to be done , " he blurted . Then Ike ordered the band to play the song again , with Ike playing the guitar , while the band member listened and I remember telling Billy about the entire experience and while doing so , I could detect a hint of jealously . He asked me if I had gotten a " drop " for his show , but there was no need in trying to sugar - coat it ; I had to tell him no , quickly giving him the reason why , but that didn 't set too well with him . He just didn 't believe my story and from that moment on , he and I were never , really close again . The " hellos " were always flat and dry toward each other ; it was just totally different now , but oh well , life goes - on . I apologized more than once , but they were not accepted , so that 's all I can do ; nothing else . The week went by very slowly . I couldn 't wait to get back in View Park . On Friday , I called Rhonda and we set - up a time when Ike would be there . On Saturday , I was there like clockwork . When I parked on the street in front of his house , he was walking outside getting ready to get into his car . He saw me and said , " Come on . " I jumped in the Rolls again and we were off . There was something a little different about him this time . I didn 't know what it was , but it was just different , until I found - out during the ride . After he pulled - out of the driveway , he went the opposite way ; in other words , we didn 't go down the hill , instead we went up . At the first corner , he turned left , going further - up in View Park . " That woman makes me so damn mad , " he mumbled . I didn 't open my mouth . I wanted to ask him who he was talking about , Tina or Rhonda , but I felt it was best to keep my mouth shut and just let him vent . He never said another word about her , whoever that was , nor the situation . Ike then asked me if I had ever been up there before , meaning View Park and I said no . He turned left on a street called South Ridge . As we were going - down the hill , he pointed toward my side of the window , to the right and said , " That 's Nancy Wilson 's house . " I said , really ? Then about two or three houses down , on the same side of the street , he pointed toward my window again and said , " And that 's Ray Charles ' pad . " No kidding , I replied . It was a very large and modern home . I think it was the first time I had ever seen a tennis court on a private residence . Remember , I 'm from San Bernardino . I 'm turning all around in the car just staring at the house . It was something special . Then he just drove around the neighborhood saying nothing , until we came to a stop sign , which was not too far from his house . On the corner was another very nice home . Ike told me whose house it was , but I was not familiar with the person ; I just remember him saying that the guy was a successful mortician . Even though the man had a stunning home from the outside , As we entered the living room , those two , big dogs came running - out from the hallway . He ordered them back to wherever they came from and I was very relieved . I sat down , as he went in the back , through the same hallway . Shortly I could hear his voice and a female voice , which sounded as if they were arguing . I assumed it was Tina , but I learned long ago , never to assume anything . I could not understand what they were saying , but soon the voices stopped and not Tina , but Rhonda came storming from the hallway . She looked right at me , but did not acknowledge my presence at all , not even a smile . About fifteen minutes later , Ike came - out wearing a white Karate uniform with a black belt tied around his waist . I 'm thinking , okay this is getting a little weird . The dogs followed him out , along with two young boys . Now I 'm nervous again . The boys opened the sliding door and let the dogs out , and then they followed and closed the door . In the meantime , Ike is in the middle of the living room , where I am sitting . He begins doing these Karate moves for long periods of time . I could do nothing but watch . He never said a word , just some grunts with some of the moves . After a while , he looked at me , while breathing hard and asked , " You know any Karate . " I said , no but it looks interesting . He was telling me how he could reach inside a person 's body and snatch one of their organs out . I tried to pretend interested , but he was actually scaring the hell out of me . I began thinking , now why did this man invite me back to his home ? And why is he , without saying a word before now , practicing Karate in front of me ? He must know it looks very intimidating . Does he think I was staring at his wife too long or too often the other day ? Why is he doing this and I know he 's already pissed - off at Rhonda ; at least I 'm assuming that 's who it is . There I go assuming again , but hell , she looked pretty pissed - off herself . And just like that , he starts again doing those moves . Even though I had not been there long , I knew there was tension in thaThere was a point , while looking - back on my life that I had to ask myself ; why am I still living in San Bernardino , when the field I love and want to be involved in is in L . A . ? I mean , why not just move to Los Angeles , after all I 'm driving here quite often and it sure would be less wear and tear on my car . I really need to think about this . Years later , I decided to make that move . Yes it took me that long , but I have made a definite decision . I am doing this . Now I have to go - up there , focused on finding a place to live . So I picked - out a day and drove to L . A . I knew the only place in L . A . that I really wanted to live was in West Hollywood . There was so much glimmer and glamour there . All of the record companies had offices in West Hollywood on or near Sunset Blvd . Later Motown would move to an office high rise at Sunset and LaBrea . I mean , the area was booming . Tower Records was on the corner of Sunset Blvd . and Horn Ave . At the very top of Horn , there was an apartment building . In fact , the street dead - ends at this building . I noticed it was a very steep hill . I parked and went inside to check on an apartment . When I walked into that large lobby , it was about the prettiest apartment complex I had ever seen ; remember now , I 'm from San Bernardino . There was nothing like that where I 'm from . I was already sold on the place and never looked at any others . I moved - in a month later and spent most of my time decorating my place . I had to get that together , so when I had a lady over , she would be in awe ; first at the lobby , just as I was , then at my place . Finally , I was actually living in Los Angeles . I felt like I was on top of the world . About a month after I moved there , I met my neighbor , a pretty lady by the name of Saundra White . She was so mysterious to me ; I would always ask her what kind of work she did , but she would never tell me , always avoiding the question . It got to be a running joke , sort of the same as " Tommy " on the Martin Lawrence show . She and I remained neighbors and friends for quite a while , without me ever knowing , until one day she invited me to a listening party for a new album . I agreed to go , but we wouldn 't be going together , because she had to be there very early . So Saundra gave me the address and the time . If I recall , I think it was in Sherman Oaks or somewhere in that area . When I pulled - up to the house , I noticed it waLearning my way around Los Angeles was fun . There were just so many people there , it was unbelievable . I began making friends , who would take me to Venice Beach , Long Beach , San Fernando Valley and other places of interest . I think the thing I loved about Los Angeles the most was how scantily dressed the girls were , and there were always loads of pretty women just walking - down the street , which is something I never witnessed while in San Bernardino ; it was like a culture shock to me . So many black people , which many were extremely attractive and weren 't ashamed to show their bodies . It was a trip ! Sometimes I would be in my car and see a beautiful girl ; I mean so fine that I would have to make the block , just to take another look . I would ride by them very slowly just staring , and the thing that struck me the most is ; when they would see me , they would just smile and keep walking . Many times I would pull - over and ask them if I could talk to them for a minute . I 'm guessing , seven times out of ten , they would walk - over to the car and talk . Of course I would be trying to get that phone number ; sometimes I was successful and sometimes not , but nothing beats a failure but a try . Now just to show you how times have changed ; now , if a lady was walking - down the street and a car slowly rides beside her , it would probably scare some women to death ; and don 't even think about calling her to the car for some conversation ; she is thinking about kidnapping , rape , being found dead somewhere , I mean the whole approach situation is drastically different these days . Most women are terrified , as they rightfully should be , since there are so many " kooks " out there , just looking to harm someone and many times , just for the hell of it . Other than the pretty girls , I think the other most noticeable thing about Los Angeles was the number of expensive cars driving on the streets . Everywhere you looked , there were Mercedes ' , Rolls Royce 's , and Jaguars . It 's crazy ! You cannot drive two blocks without seeing one of these vehicles ; mostly Mercedes . That seems to be the vehicle of choice , still to this day . It 's more or less an image thing , because everyone in L . A . knows , and I quickly learned , if you have an expensive and pretty car , the ladies will flock your way or at least , they did then . But wait - a - minute ; has that changed ? Isn 't it the same way today ? I think the only difference is now - a - days ; the ladies themselves now own and drive those big , pretty , expensive cars . Yep , times have really changed and for the better , I might add . Remember all of that money I was making doing the dances in Riverside , California ; well it 's beginning to dwindle - down now . I need to get serious with my life and find something I want to do here in L . A . I am in the entertainment capital of the world and I have been in the entertainment business for a while now , even while living in San Bernardino , so what would be more fitting than to find something in what ? You guessed it ; the entertainment field . But what would I do here ; Los Angeles is a lot different than " San Berdoo . " I used to be a " big fish in a little pond , " but now in L . A . , I suddenly became a " little fish in a big pond . " I had to find a way to change that . There were so many stars and important people in this big city , I always wondered how would I compete ? I knew I was smart and loved competition , but I 'm not used to this much ; it 's everywhere ! There must be numerous opportunities here , simply by looking at all of the expensive cars and many are driven by my own people . That is certainly encouraging to me . I have a couple of friends who are " extras " in television and the movies . Maybe I 'll look into doing that for a while ; at least everyone in San Bernardino would see me on television . Whenever I go back homeCHAPTER 5 t 's a beautiful day in Los Angeles . The temperature is 77 degrees and there 's a slight breeze coming from the Pacific Ocean . I am on my way to do what I 've been doing for the last six years ; acting . Well , not really acting , but doing ' extra ' work in some of the most popular televisions shows on the air right now , not to mention some feature films , as well . I mean this is what you have to do if you want to say you 're " In the business . " I really want to be an actor , but I just haven 't gotten that " big break " as of yet . I look for it everyday , but I can 't seem to find it ! I will , I know its coming ; it 's like the old saying goes , " Everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame . " The only problem is I 'm looking for more than fifteen minutes ; how about a lifetime of fame and fortune and the big home and fancy cars ? I know that it 's coming ; I just wish it would hurry and find me . Well enough of my dreams for now . Let me stop and pick - up a " Drama - Logue . " ( That 's the fairly new industry paper showing actors who is casting what , when and where ) . You can 't live in L . A . and call yourself an actor and not have the " Drama - Logue " next to your side . Oh yeah , I 've done most of the right things any real actor would do … The answering service that you have to check 10 times a day hoping a casting director or agent has called you for an audition . The black and white , 8 x 10 headshots taken by one of the best photographers in Hollywood . I mean he has to be good , since his studio is right next door to Capital Records . Yes , he 's expensive , but hey , I 'm an actor . You do what you have to do to make it to the " big time . " I often wonder why I don 't have an agent as of yet , I mean all actors have an agent , that 's just part of being in the business . Well actually I know why I don 't … they keep telling me they already have someone they represent who 's " my type . " Actually , that 's what the agents tell actors when they are not interested in signing and representing you . Whatevin line ; I have to get back on the set . Wait - a - minute ; why is everyone in line white ? This must be a mistake ; I don 't see any black guys standing in line for this audition . Now if I go get in that line , what are the others going to be thinking , while they are staring at me ? I could care - less , I want to be " Sgt . Goods , " and after all ; I 'm here now and I certainly don 't have gas to waste . Oh by the way , " Sgt Goods " is the name of the character I 'm going to read for . Yep , that 's me ! It 's 2 : 55 p . m . and I 'm still at the back of the line . They 've only seen four people . Wait - a - minute , I remember hearing ' real actors ' say , when they go to an audition and they have to be on the set , just ask the people in line if they can go ahead of them and the answer is almost always yes … it 's just professional courtesy . Let 's see , there are about 40 people in line … I think maybe 15 allowed me the " professional courtesy , " while the others claimed they were in a hurry too . Oh well , I 'm going to be late getting back and that 's that ! Okay now it 's been 45 minutes and there are still 10 people ahead of me , what do I do ? No - no , I can 't concentrate on that right now . I have to focus on being a marine drill sergeant and what they look like and sound like . Oh yeah , now I remember , mean and ugly and of course , certainly loud ! That 's what I 've seen on television and in the movies . That 's all I have to go by , since I was never called for the armed services . Well actually I was , but they didn 't take me , since I was the only surviving son . Did I mention , no sisters and brothers ? " Shelly Garrett ! " Did someone call my name ? Did someone call Shelly Garrett ? The big white guy behind me nudges me , " You 're next dude . " Oh okay thanks . As I move into the room , I keep thinking , man that guy who nudged me was huge … . must have been 6 ' 5 " or so . Hey I 'm 6 ' 3 " so maybe they 're looking for a big guy , yeah maybe , but probably a big , white guy . As I walk into the room there are 4 serious - looking white guys who all look like drill sergeants themselves , except not as large as I am . When I enter , they glance at each other , probably saying , " why is this black fellow here ? " The one guy in the middle speaks , with a little attitude , I might add , " Your name Shelly Garrett ? I called you twice ! " So I stared him directly in his eyes and answered , with my own little attitude , I might add , " Only my friends call me Shelly , but since we 've never met , I 'd prefer that you call me by my real name ! " Everyone looked at me with surprise and then at the guy in the middle , as he leaned back in his chair . " And what might that be , " he growled . Never taking my eyes away from his , I blurted , " Sgt . Goods ! " The four men looked at each other and forced a smile . I was actually shocked , but I didn 't smile with them , because I 'm " Sgt . Goods " and I don 't smile in public . Got it ? Good ! So they hand me the " sides " … ( A few pages from the script that I 'm going to read , in character for them . ) I glance over it for a few seconds and the guy in the middle asks , " Are you ready ? " Yep , I reply , in my deepest voice . Suddenly I find this person in me that I never knew was there and he and I glide through the lines with total perfection . I was so loud ; I think I really shocked them , because I never heard the guys before me doing their lines with any volume . I knew since I looked different , I had to sound different . Honestly , I think I did sound like a marine drill sergeant , if I may say so myself . When I finished the reading , I didn 't look at them and pause for a critic of my short performance . I learned long ago , by listening to ' real actors , ' you never , ever do that ; it 's a real " no - no . " You read , you place the sides on the table , you say thank you ; turn and leave , praying they stop you , before you get to the door . I hear a familiar voice … " Hey Sgt . Goods … " As I exhale , I turn to face the voice , " Yeah , " I answer , still in character of course , with a deep frown on my face . " If you want the role , it 's yours ! " Now I can 't keep from smiling . " Are you serious ? " " Congratulations , " he states and they all applaud with big smiles . So now I say something stupid , before I even think about it . " Are you sure , I mean there are a lot of guys out there , what if you find someone better ? " One of the other guys says , " We won 't ! " " I don 't think you will either , " was my arrogant reply . Now the ' real actors ' have said , " You must always be confident , while in front of casting directors and producers . " I 'm thinking , did I sound confident or arrogant ? Well , who cares , I got the part , so now I 'm a real actor ; at least that 's what 's in my head . After verifying my coWe rehearsed exactly six weeks and I never missed a one . I don 't know why , but I really enjoyed the rehearsals . I always looked forward to them , however while they were in progress , they seemed to go on forever ! Sometimes I would get a headache from all of the yelling , but " actors " have to do the best they can , at all times . There was no such thing as " mocking the lines . " Everything had to be done full - out , at all times . Sean , the director , was not having it any other way . Well there are only two rehearsals left before the big opening night , and these were " dress rehearsals . " We all bought our uniforms and props needed for the show ; we would use them in these last two rehearsals . When I put on that drill sergeant hat with the dark sunglasses , I really did feel like a marine drill sergeant , whatever that feels like in real life . Now it 's opening night and time to perform for a four week - end run , which happens to be in the same little theatre where I auditioned . It 's a 99 seat equity - waiver theatre . Anything over 99 seats , we the actors , ( that 's what I am now , remember ) would have to be paid equity - scale salaries , however that 's really not the case today , but back then , it was pretty much the law . Equity wavier theatres in Los Angeles seem to be on every corner in North Hollywood and Studio City . It 's where actors perform their craft and showcase themselves , hoping a casting director will come and see them , like them , but more importantly , remember them and cast them in a television show or film . No , there is no pay , so get use to it ; that 's the way it is in this crazy world of Hollywood ! On the other side , the playwright wants the performance to go well , so the " right person " will see his or her work and make it a feature film , or a television show or even a Broadway play , however , lets be for real ; it rarely happens , but who can fault a person for wishful thinking . After all , when you stop dreaming ; you stop living , right ? The name of the play was " Shout " and doing this show was when I first learned the true meaning of promotion . The playwright , who was also the director , went through the trouble and hassle to get a permit from the city of Hollywood to drive a rented army tank down Sunset Blvd . , near San Vicente , with the name of the play and the performance dates posted on both sides . We , the actors walked on each side of the tank in our marine costumes . If one could have seen the stares and pointing we were getting . In fact , I think we truly enjoyed all of the attention . The permit was only good for four blocks , but within that short distance , there was enough press and television coverage you wouldn 't believe . Yes , I quickly learned marketing is everything . What I learned is you can have the best product on earth , but if no one knows about it , then what difference does it make ? Absolutely none ! You must advertise in some form , shape or fashion . There 's just no getting around it . Every Monday I became sad , because I had to wait until the next weekend to do three more shows . Even though most of the audience was white , I seemed to be their favorite character in the play . Now that taught me a valuable lesson ; if people think you are a good performer , actor , singer , dancer or whatever … your color really doesn 't matter , as long as you are entertaining most of the folks in the audience . On the last Friday of our four week run , the director gathers us all together and advises he would like to add two more weekends to the run , which of course would be a total of six weeks . I can 't tell you when I have felt such joy and elation . " I can 't do it , " echoed a voice from the rear . Everyone turned to look . You could have heard a rat piss on cotton . " I 'm going out of town with my parents next week , so I won 't be here . " It seemed at that moment , everyone 's feathers dropped with disappointment . Now the first thing you must understand is the voice was coming from the third leading character in the play , so I 'm sure evThere will be NO rehearsals , " We 're going to just do the show , " I 'm told by the severely graying man . Really ? I couldn 't think of anything else to say ? The show was in a week and on opening night ; there were about 6 people in the audience . It is , by far , the worse theatre experience I have ever known , still to this day . He would sit on the first row and watch the show with his assistant . If anyone would make a mistake during a performance , he would verbally correct you , with a lot of anger , right there in front of the audience . For some unknown reason , he never , ever corrected me and Lord knows I made some mistakes , but he would seem to ignore them . It was humiliating to the other actors and I absolutely felt sorry for them , especially when their family members were sitting in the audience . I had previous plans to go to Las Vegas doing the second weekend of the show and asked if someone else could play the role in my absence ? He BLEW UP ! This certainly wasn 't like the last show I was in , when it was no problem . The last thing I remember him saying to me was , " This show does not have a revolving door ; if you leave don 't come back . " It was the very first time this man had ever raised his voice to me , but at least it wasn 't in front of an audience . Well , let it be known , I did go to Las Vegas and had a great time . I was fired , during my absence , but it 's not like I was getting paid . This man talked to me so bad , over the phone , I 'm really surprised I didn 't get an ear infection . From that point , I developed a serious attitude and told him , I could care - less ; I will write my own play ! I also informed him how unprofessional he was by correcting actors , while an audience was present and how it was so ridiculous to be doing a play with no rehearsals ! He said , " Yeah right , go to hell " and hung - up on me ! By the way did I mention that his name happened to be Dootsie Williams ? Yep , he was doing a play on his own life . So , there I sat on my bed at the Las Vegas Hilton , hurt and humiliated ; not to mention mad as hell ! How dare he fire me ; I 'm a " polished " actor with " experience . " No , I haven 't been to acting school , but I 'm polished . " No , I don 't have an agent , but I 'm " experienced . " I decided to call one of the other actors in the show , Kelvin Reese , and tell him what just happened . I needed to vent . Kelvin laughed and informed me that there were only three ; count them . . . one , two , three people confirmed to see the show that evening . I shared with Kelvin that I was going to write my own play , just out of spite . He made me promise that he would have a part in the show . You have my word , I promised and I always keep my word . . . Good for me ! |
It is nearly Christmas . This is a good thing . For the past month L . says " Tomorrow is Christmas ! " and we have to remind him that it 's not . We show him the calender and count down the days with him . Funny thing is , he thinks that by marking off the days himself that will make those days just disappear . He does the same thing at school with his schedule . He tries to rearrange the sequence or takes things off he doesn 't want to do . If only that were an option ! Last Friday was his last day for two weeks , so comes the daunting task of trying to keep him occupied until he goes back to school . We got him Jungle Book 2 , which I think is a really annoying and very ill thought out movie , but he loves it . So now the other children are bummed because that 's all he wants to watch . I feel for them , I don 't really care for the movie myself . What 's up with Disney putting out all of these cheap sequels , with bad animation and cheesy catch phrases , that have the same basic plot , with a few token songs , slapping their name on it and selling it for the full price ? Desperate parents ( such as myself ) , who jump at any family movie that is released because there are so few that come out unless it 's Thanksgiving or Christmas , must settle for an inferior product . Look at me , I 'm grudgingly one of them . Anyhow , L . is perfectly happy with it but the rest of us are near to mad . Just think another week and a half of it ! Actually , we are being very brave this year and trying for an over night visit to Grandma and Grandpa 's house . L . does not like sleeping anywhere that isn 't home , so we are a little worried , but hopefully it will work out . And just in case it doesn 't , I 'm sure we 'll bring along Jungle Book 2 to calm him if need be . Each day when my son L . gets home , I grab his backpack first thing and rummage through it for his notebook . This notebook dates to the beginning of the year when his teacher Mrs . R . started sending notes home on his progress and little things that happen during the day that I might have an interest in . Some days say he 's had a good day , was cooperative , did his work , etc . Some days aren 't so great . He was stubborn , refused to follow his schedule , etc . The entries that I like best are the ones that tell me a little story about some funny thing he did that day . For instance , he said he wanted to play doctor . The teacher 's assistant cheerfully agreed , even after L . said he was going to give her a shot . Well , the poor woman got the shock of her life when he stuck her with a straight pin . Not that I 'm laughing at her misfortune , but for some reason this really made me laugh . The other day a little girl in his class had a birthday party . He promptly ate the piece of cake he was given and then went over to her and opened his mouth wide and tried to get her to feed him her cake . His teacher Mrs . R . said that one day a child in her class was having a melt down , L . tried to push them aside and as he said , " I 'll deal with this . " Apparently he thought he could do better . So while I cringe at the entries that state he had a bad day , I find great joy in the little laughs I get from the other stories I get to read . L . went as spaghetti and meatballs this year for Halloween . He mostly did well and had fun . However , when he was done , he was done . He got in the van and cried because he thought his little sister should be in her car seat . Every time I tried to take a picture he would see the flash go off and immediately move . My camera always catches him blinking , or making a face , or moving , or walking away . I managed to get a few shots of him though . He is actually really excited about holidays now . I 'm so glad , because now the other children can have a semi - normal experience too . They all looked so cute dressed up , with their bags , eagerly anticipating each candy that got put in their bags . He seems to be doing so much better and understanding so much more than he did before . This is something we discussed on Halloween with his teachers and principal during a parent teacher conference and an IEP update . They have noticed the change in L . as well . He is not as angry and he is communicating more . That 's not to say that all of our problems are solved , but it sure seems like cake after some of the things my husband and I have been through over the last few years . I thank God every day that he seems to be getting a little better . I know that it is through help from those around me that we have accomplished so much with him . I consider it nothing less than a miracle . Posted by For the past two weeks I have been in Cambodia . After serious debate , my husband and I decided that we should not attempt taking the younger children with us . We had visions of L . throwing a tantrum on the airplane , having them drop us off somewhere in Asia with no way of getting back . Besides which , it is torture for L . to not have his own bed , and be in his own element . So we chose to have my two sisters stay with the children at our home while we were gone . L . was perfectly content with the set up . As a matter of fact , I sincerely doubt that he even missed us while we were gone , most likely favoring my sisters over me . There was little more than one small incident during our absence . Apparently L . decided to cut his hair . He was suppose to be in bed , which is usually when he decides to do something naughty . He felt that he needed a trim and cut his hair . My sister said that he came down stairs with his hair completely hacked up in what resembled the mange . She burst out laughing . She said that L . was grinning ear to ear , pleased with the fact that she was experiencing so much mirth over his self make over . The next day he went to school like that , as there were no beauty salons open so early in the morning . The teacher said that she and the aids got a good laugh out of it too . He got his hair buzzed that afternoon when he came home from school . I count myself lucky in that that was the only mishap during out two week leave . L . had a birthday just a few days ago . I think it was the first time he really understood what it was all about . A week or so before I said to him that his birthday was coming up and he shocked his father and I by stating the day , month , and YEAR he was born . I don 't recall ever telling him that he was born in 1999 . Weird that he somehow knew . All he wanted , as usual , was a Buzz Lightyear . ( Does every autistic kid on the planet love that guy or what ? ) We got him a few things and I tried to hide them in my closet . This is something else he has never done before , he snooped around until he found where his presents were and then he opened all of them before the big unveiling at the party . My parents and two of my sisters came to have cake and sing to him . He seemed very pleased with the whole affair . I was really excited that he got into it so much . L . is beginning to come out of his shell a little and act a little more like a child . He knew that the day was about him , that it was his birthday , that the cake was in his honor . It was a thrill . L . has been fiercely loyal to , and inseparable from his baby sister from the moment she was born . When we brought her home from the hospital for the first time he was completely and totally enamored with her . Since then he remains very over protective to the point of being a tad obsessive . It was difficult to explain to friends and family when they wanted to hold the newborn and he would throw a fit and tell them to give her back to mommy . This included grandparents . They would hold her and dote over her and he would cry and try and take her away from them . As the years have gone by , three to be exact , he is not as bad about it as he use to be . L . is still very protective of her but not to the point that he won 't let others touch her now . However , if I have to take hers with me and he isn 't going he gets upset , even to the point of tears . So the other night when she fell off of the bunk bed and had to be taken to the emergency room for stitches , there was some high drama . My husband , who hands blood , needles , gore , and the likes , much better than I do took her to the hospital . I 'm sure that with all of the frightened shrieks coming from me , L . wasn 't exactly sure what was going on , but he was upset , and even more so when my husband left with his baby sister . He stood at the window for hours whaling , " My daddy , my baby , come back . " To see his innocence and his pure love for that little girl not only makes me happy but at times like that it breaks my heart . I want to explain to him what 's happening but he can 't understand . After awhile , he eventually fell asleep , as they were out quite late . But the next morning he was so pleased to see her . Such a tender moment for such a big hulking kid like him . There is nothing like when L . repeats something he 's heard from a movie in public , when no one else knows what he is talking about . For instance , my husband and I took the family along with my husband 's brother out to dinner the other night . As we sat in the crowded restaurant L . says , rather loudly , " Shut up and eat your garbage ! " Overhearing that little remark may have made others wonder what kind of a mother would say such a thing to her son , for surely he learned if from someone . It was actually complements of Ratatouille , the Disney movie . He also likes to say , " BUGS ! ! BUGS ! ! " when he eats , thanks to an episode Buzz Lightyear of Star Command , another of Disney 's finest . I 'm sure that the proprietors of the establishment we are eating at appreciate the fact that he is yelling bugs for everyone to hear . Then there 's always the , " You 'll never take me again . " Don 't know what that 's from , but it 's fun to explain that I 'm not kidnapping him , he is actually my son . From Jumanji he got the phrase , " I 'm never talking to you again ! " which he generally uses in the heat of battle . Lately he 's been on a Robin Hood kick . He uses a towel to fan whatever is cooking for dinner at the time and he says , " You 're burning the grub , Sunshine . " At least I can laugh at that one . His capacity to recall lines from any and every movie he 's ever seen is amazing . He 's like a little movie parrot , ready to repeat anything that might be offensive , rebellious , or down right funny . It is a constant source of amusement for us . Some of our other favorites : " You 're breaking ranks , Major . . . or should I say traitor ! " Toy Story 2 " For heaven sakes , let him go . Let him go ! " Robin Hood " Can 't you stay ? " Series of Unfortunate Events ( He says this as he 's pushing someone out the door ) " Listen here , pussy cat . " Tom and Jerry " I 've had it with you and your emotional constipation ! " Tarzan L . has always hated haircuts with a passion . I think it must be a sensory thing . The clippers make that buzzing sound and it really bothers him . His brother H . is much the same . It has been a real struggle to keep them properly groomed because we put the haircuts off until it is absolutely necessary . Lately , and I say this with a great deal of gratitude in my heart , they have both been much better about it . So it was quite a surprise to me when L . said he wanted a haircut . But then he specified that he wanted a " Buzz Lightyear " haircut . Who knows what the heck Buzz Lightyear 's hair looks like ? I mean he 's always wearing that helmet of his . I thought maybe L . had heard the term " buzz cut " and thought it meant Buzz Lightyear . Anyhow , not one to argue with the kid when he wants something I want for him , I took him to get his haircut . He made it through about halfway , and then began to fidget and get annoyed . He says " All done now ! " and he wants up . With much persuading he managed stay in the seat until she was finished . Then he tells me that he wants a Buzz Lightyear and Lenny . It was then that I understood that he wanted me to go buy him a Buzz Lightyear in exchange for getting his haircut , because apparently that 's what his father got him the last time he had to get his haircut . Let me tell you something , it is totally worth bribery if he does something he detests so very much without throwing a royal tantrum . I was more than willing to oblige him . I generally pack home lunch for my kids . Just your average PB & J , chips , fruit or veggie , and a juice . I like to mix it up with a slice of homemade bannana bread , freshly baked brownies , you know that sort of thing , to make myself feel like a decent mom every now and then . Lunches are especially good if I am doing penance for something . Anyway , the other day L . was throwing a monster of a fit because he didn 't want to take his lunch . I finally slipped it into his backpack without him noticing and he got on the bus without any further disturbance . When I picked him up from school that afternoon , the teacher tells me that for some reason he just wouldn 't leave that lunch alone . They stuck it in the basket with all of the other home lunches and went about there business . But every time they turned around his lunch had some how landed in the trashcan . They would fish it out , stick it back in the basket , only to find it within the confines of the trashcan yet again just a short while later . For some reason , he just didn 't want that lunch . The teacher commented on how sneaky and covert he was about the whole thing , waiting until the coast was clear and then quickly tossing it , no one the wiser until they noticed that it was missing again . Why was he pitching his lunch into the trashcan all day long ? L . simply wanted the chicken sandwich that they were having for school lunch that day . He ended up crying out , " Chicken , please ! " They have chicken sandwiches there every day so the next day , I wisely did not pack home lunch . I let him eat school lunch . Now how will I console myself when I want to feel like I 'm a good mom ? Monday was L . 's first day of school . He was against it for the first part of the morning . I tried to tell him the bus was coming and that he would see his teacher . He tried to resist , and then , just like that , he decided he wanted to go and went out to wait at the corner as if the start of our morning were a distant memory . When he was at school they asked him to draw a picture of what he had done this summer . He drew a few pictures of some animals , and then wrote http : / / www . hooglezoo . org / at the top of his page . Every now and again he surprises me . He will hardly put words together , and only appears to drift from day to day without any recollection of what he did an hour ago , and then he comes up with a doozy that really takes you off guard . Like the time we went to the zoo and the alligator jumped out of the water and snapped a plastic ball between his massive jaws . It frightened the whole family , but especially L . Since then he refuses to go into the reptile house . Every once in a while he 'll say , " The alligator bit the ball . " Which goes to show you , he does remember things from yesterday , last week , and last month . For the past three days he has gone to school without any problems at all . That is heaven . As I have said before , I have two children that fall on the spectrum . Well , this week my younger son H . started school again . He is now in first grade , completely main streamed and doing pretty well for a kid who didn 't speak until he was four . Two years later and I am amazed by his progress . I count it as a miracle . He still has his quirks to be sure but he is so smart . The big problem is this - he doesn 't quite understand how recess works . You hear the bell , you go out and play for awhile , you hear the bell , and you go back in . He gets the going out part , it 's the coming back in that seems to be his problem . Last year when he was in kindergarten he would leave the kindergarten play ground and go play on the big toys . Often times they would be searching for him , only to find him on the big kids play ground . Now that he is in the first grade and allowed to play on the big kid play ground he just doesn 't come back in . Yesterday , my husband tells him all morning , " When you hear the bell you need to come in from recess . " He says it enough times that H . begins to repeat it with him . Later on that day his teacher was in the office and I asked if he had come back in when the bell rang . She smiled and shook her head no . At least she is extremely understanding about it , and seems to take it all in stride . Apparently , he also was insulted by her snacks . She offered him pretzels and he scowled at her and asked her what was up with that . ( He doesn 't like pretzels . ) It 's quite honestly like having a little Kramer from Seinfeld on our hands . He makes some pretty outrageous faces , he jerks and acts shocked over the littlest things , he lets you know when he doesn 't like something , even if it 's socially taboo , and he 's kinda spacey . But oh how we laugh . I don 't know why . It makes no sense to me . But then it must make some sort of sense to him . L . will not leave my framed family photos alone . I have them neatly adorning the top of my piano with a lovely vase of flowers . I go in , they are there , arranged artfully along the top ledge . I leave the room and come back and they are nowhere to be found . He keeps hiding them in different locations too , to throw me off the trail . Just why do those photos bug him so badly I 'll never know . Every time I find them and go to put them back , he protests . " Put it back ! " he says . One of his weird , quirky habits like stuffing toys in any hole he can find . It use to disturb me when he took his Winnie the Pooh and slammed his head shut in the oven . Until we discovered he was just re - enacting the cartoon where Pooh gets stuck in Rabbit 's hole . It didn 't end there . At school , a few years ago , he found a whole in the wall where the door knob had banged one too many times . He shoved all sorts of things in there . His aid Adrienne thought it was so funny when they finally patched it up . She said that when they demolish that building years from now , they will discover in the rubble all of those toys he stuffed in there . Maybe they 'll be collectors items then ? As I have mentioned before , our family frequents the zoo on a very regular basis . It is one of the few things that we can do as a family . We have gone so far as to invest in the annual pass , and go winter , spring , summer , or fall . On Saturday we decided to go , so we packed the family up and drove the half an hour to get there . L . was really off . I realized to late that we had neglected to give him his medication . That 's something we don 't forget very often , because it tends to have disastrous consequences . The further we progressed through the park , the worse he got . We made it to the carousel , which he normally enjoys . But the second they started the ride up , he tried to bale . I mean he was whining and saying he wanted off , and kept trying to stand up , which of course I wouldn 't let him do . I threatened him with leaving if he didn 't straighten up , and he didn 't . Once we got off of the carousel , I told my husband that we should head back to the van , that I had told L . if he didn 't shape up we couldn 't stay . That 's when the real fireworks began . We tried to leave the zoo and he had a complete break down . L . tried to bite , pinch , scratch , and mortally wound my husband . He was screaming and crying and fighting us . There we were with four children , one of which is the size of an adult and temper tantruming , half way to the car , with no idea how we were going to get him out of there . It is very difficult having a child like L . You love him very much , you want the best for him . He is your child , your flesh and blood . While it was very embarrassing to have him behave that way in public , the worst part is the judgement past upon you by total strangers . Everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared . For that moment in time I understood how the animals must feel , in their cages , being gawked at by all of those people . At some point someone called security . They must have thought we were either harming him or kidnapping him . We had to follow through on our threat , so we just continued to try and get him out of there . TPosted by The newest flake to become an expert on autism , Michael Savage , shock jock , that makes his money disparaging others . Not such a stretch that he felt compelled to slander mentally handicapped children who can not speak for themselves . Savage recently shared his thoughts on autism on a broadcast that aired July 16th , claiming that children with autism were " frauds " , and that their parents were perpetuaters of the lie . Somehow Michael Savage has found the answer to the question that all of us as parents with children who suffer from this disability have so earnestly sought after . He knows what autism is , what causes it , as he disclosed on his show last week . " I 'll tell you what autism is . In 99 percent of the cases , it 's a brat who hasn 't been told to cut the act out . That 's what autism is . What do you mean they scream and they 're silent ? They don 't have a father around to tell them , ' Don 't act like a moron . You 'll get nowhere in life . Stop acting like a putz . Straighten up . Act like a man . Don 't sit there crying and screaming , idiot . " From the mouth of Michael Savage . All I needed to do was berate , ridicule , and yell at my son and he would have been normal . No pill , no diet , no therapy required . So simple , how did I not see it ? And why do I want my son to have autism so badly ? Well , for the money of course . Mr . Savage believes that parents who claim their children have autism somehow benefit from it . It 's " a fraud , a racket " . . . " the illness du jour " . After waiting for two years to get government assistance for my son 's medical bills , I have been told that this is the year . This is the year that I might receive help for the medication that must be purchased every month , for the dental bills that are piling up , for the many needs of a boy who is suffering from autism . This for a child who we cannot get insurance for because he suffers from a ' pre - existing condition ' . All this time I have been banking on the dough rolling in , willing to put up with a son who is ostracized for his behaviors , forgoing public appearances , Posted by Several months ago , L . skinned his nose when he fell from the front porch steps and biffed it on the concrete driveway . He has a pretty high pain tolerance , which has at times been a good thing , at other times a real problem . The thing is when he skinned his nose he insisted on wearing a band aid . Not to inconspicuous right there on his face . My husband and I attempted to put it across the tip of his nose , but he didn 't want it that way . He wanted it front and center . The band aid was vertical right straight down the length of his nose . Try explaining this to curious onlookers in public . It didn 't end there . Whenever we tried to take it off he would freak out . We had to sneak in at night , while he was asleep , and remove it because it began to make a sore on his forehead where the adhesive from the band aid was beginning to pull at his skin . It finally somehow healed on its own . Band aids are the bane of my existence . I find them everywhere , stuck to the hard wood floors , stuck in the carpet , stuck on blankets , stuck in hair . Any time there is the slightest hint of a boo boo it requires a band aid . We have tried to hide them to no avail . Much like the scissors they just seem to be found , no matter where you tuck them away . Posted by Here 's a new controversial study they would like to do on children with autism . They say that they would like to detoxify children with autism , buy removing metals from their systems . Why is it a controversy ? Because there is no proof that is is mercury that is causing autism , and because it could be potentially harmful with the side affects . They are horrified at the thought that children would be used in the study . I hate to break it to you , but children with autism are nothing more than lab rats . It 's been this way for years . There are no proven treatments for autism and so they try and address the symptoms with medication that is not for their autism but for the problems that come along with it . For instance , after several years of trying to deal with my son with out medication , his aggressions became concerning enough that we caved . He is now on a medication for schizophrenia . It works in helping to subdue his violence and so we are forced to use it . There are also medications for hyperactivity that have been beneficial to children with autism . How did they discover these medications were useful ? THEY TESTED THEM OUT . I 'm not particularly thrilled at the prospect of testing , but what choice is there ? Part of the problem with autism is the unknown . There isn 't enough research and we don 't really know for certain what causes it and so we have to try things we haven 't tried yet . I 'm all for research being done as long as it is not harmful to children . It 's sort of a necessary evil . As long as they aren 't doing frontal lobotomies , or anything crazy like that , please find something that will help these children . You decided for yourself . http : / / www . comcast . net / articles / news - national / 20080708 / MED . Autism . Research / I could not imagine trying to teach my chunky son how to ride a bicycle . As a matter of fact , I don 't like to say things are impossible , but I think this would be close to impossible . So I looked into getting him a tricycle . I 'm not talking one of those little kiddie ones . That would not do . I 'm talking an adult size tricycle . I looked into them and even though they are a little expensive , I think it would be worth it . Not to mention it has a HUGE basket on the back , that you could carry some large size items in . Maybe he would be willing to tote me around in that basket , or at least his baby sister and the cats , Tom and Jerry . Talk about payback , though . When I was younger , my family and I lived in a very small community called Gaston . Gaston had one gas station , a small market place that sold some basics in an old building , a library the size of my closet , and well , that was basically it . So everyone knew everyone . One of the town locals , someone that everybody waved at when the saw him , was an older gentleman that rode around that little town on his tricycle . Something very similar to what I 'm looking to get for my son . I thought it was so funny . There he was peddling the streets of Gaston on this giant tricycle . Mind you , I never made fun of him , just had a little chuckle at his expense when I saw him . Never laugh , people . It has a way of really biting you in the butt at some future date in time . L . started extended summer school on Tuesday . I was glad . He gets so bored at home , and a half day of stimulation does him good . Anyway , that morning I made sure he had taken his medication , had breakfast , and his back pack was out . The thing I did not bank on was that he would decide he wanted it to be Halloween . He came downstairs in his caveman costume that I had sewn for him several years ago . A costume , I might add , that he refuse to wear that year . In the mean time he has discovered The Flintstones , and he thinks the caveman costume looks like Fred . He has the costume on and he says , " Wilma I 'm home ! " and it sounds just like Fred , I tell you . Not that I care too much what other people think . At this point I 'm beyond redemption , if you know what I mean . So I said to him that we should take the costume off , but he didn 't want to . He told me it was Halloween . I tried to explain that Halloween does not come in July . He continued to believe that it was Halloween . I figured no amount of insisting was going to change his mind , and envisioning the tantrum that would ensue , decided not to push it . When the bus arrived , my little Fred Flintstone climbed on , as happy as a clam and sat down in the seat next to the window , smiling from ear to ear as they pulled away . I can 't help but marvel at how simple a thing as a caveman costume can put him on cloud nine . His innocents and joy in living always leaves me in awe . I found out this evening that one of my children accidentally left the freezer door slightly ajar on Sunday night . AAAAAH ! What with the warm weather ( or should I say hot ) , it defrosted quite quickly . A task that I have been meaning to do , but keep putting off . So this evening I spent my time cooking 12 lbs . of chicken , an 8 lb ham , and 6 tubes of sausage . I got chicken breasts , taco flavored chicken , BBQ chicken , diced ham , sliced ham , etc . , etc . Needless to say , I won 't have to cook for a month . In order to save it , I cooked it , and then refroze most of it . My husband was once a manager at a restaurant . He still has his trusty meat thermometer and he went through all of it , testing the temperature to make sure that it hadn 't gotten too warm . All of it was salvageable , which I guess was the silver lining . There were other items that didn 't fare too well that had to be gotten rid of so I should count my blessings . Vegetarians beware . If you are offended by this blog I apologized , but at this point I 'm so sick of cooking meat , I 'm tempted to join you in your crusade ! The funny thing is , my son L . , which I have previously mentioned , likes to repeat things from shows was jumping up and down , chanting , " I love to eat , " from Elmo 's World . At least someone appreciates me . For some reason , if we chance to have a guest , my son turns into a real jester . He doesn 't like any sort of change in his routine . So if someone drops by he goes a little crazy . For instance we had company this afternoon . We offered them the couch . When they went to sit down , he threw himself across the length of it and began to laugh . I guess it could be worse . When my parents came he tried to get them to leave the whole time they were here . Pretty sad , considering they were visiting from Tennessee . He gives them the boot only minutes after they 've arrived . His favorite line is from A Series of Unfortunate Events . He says " Can you stay ? " as he 's shoving them through the door . My favorite was when my sister came over one day . He gave her her shoes and said , " Get in your brown car and go . " So much for subtle hints . There was no reading between the lines on that one . While it is sometimes rather embarrassing , it is also kind of funny . So we laugh , and say " Isn 't he cute " , and try and make the best of it . It 's not like you can tell him to stop . Or I guess you could but it would do no good . This past Thursday I was invited by Cedar Fort Publishing to speak about writing my book Keeping Keller and my experiences behind it . To be honest , I wonder what people will find that is interesting about me and my life . But then there are always people who are quite surprised by my antics with my children . A lot of people want to know what was real and what was fiction . I tell them that the experiences with Keller in the book are pretty much equivalent to my life with L . It 's hard to believe but they were all real , perhaps changed slightly to better fit the story , but real . I had enough material to write two books . Ha ha . At any rate , it was very kind of Cedar Fort to give me this opportunity because I am a new author and I do have a lot to talk about . For those of you who know me it wasn 't hard to fill the hour . I discussed not only my personal history with autism , but I also discussed the latest statistics , symptoms in diagnosing it , and learning to live with it . I had some thoughtful questions and some great comments . All in all I think it went fairly well . So thanks to L . for supplying me with the material for my little talk . One of the few family outings that we are all able to enjoy is the zoo . Unlike the store , or church , or parties , or social functions , L . is in his element there . He has an obsession with animals . Many children who have autism obsess over something . A friend I met at a book club in Pennsylvania has an adult son that knows everything there is to know about sports . My friend Lala 's son loves all things weather . My younger son H . was infatuated with letters when he began to read , now it 's musical notes . This love for animals began when he was very young . He would hardly speak to us , but he would go over and over the names of animals . One evening as my husband and I were watching the Discovery Channel they flashed some footage of an animal we had never seen before . I said to my husband , " What is that thing ? " My husband replied that he didn 't know . Then , out of nowhere , L . said , " Wombat . " And by gosh it was . We decided that since we could enjoy the zoo as a whole family unit , and L . was generally on his best behavior , we would purchase a season membership , which we use quite frequently . The best days are snow days , rainy days , cool days , because no one else really ventures out and we have the park nearly to ourselves . In accordance with his scheduled route , we fight him to go to the first monkey house , only to rush through the second monkey exhibit , so that we can get to the elephants , his absolute favorite animal of all time . He tells us , " Elephants are the biggest land mammal on the earth . " We move on to the Peccaries . ( I just asked my husband ' what those pig things are call at the zoo ' , and he thought I said ' what are those big tall things made of poo ? ' ) As we navigate throughout the park he proceeds to tell us some snippet about each animal . He 's a real walking encyclopedia . The penguins , for instance , " are birds that can 't fly , but they can swim " . Then we get to the giraffes . " They are the tallest land mammal on the earth " . And so on and so forth . The only time I 've seen him ever break his announcer style commentary Posted by Tonight , on our local news , they ran a story about a twenty year old man that is missing . Most people wouldn 't think that a missing grown man is something to really worry over . But then this young man has autism . His parents pointed out that although he has a grown man 's body he is mentally a seven or eight year old . I have had to explain that to others as well . L . is a very big boy . Now at the age of eight he is over one hundred pounds and reaches my shoulder in height . Mentally he is around three years old . Imagine if you will your three year old getting upset with you , tantruming , getting physical , and then picture them the size of a twelve year old . What was particularly heartbreaking is the thought of this man 's parents and the anguish that I am certain they are going through , worrying over him . It is something that I have feared for a long time now myself . If someone asks my son his name he will not tell them what it is . He can 't recite his address for telephone number . I panic when I imagine what might happen to him . The ironic thing about children with autism is that many of them run . They figure out ingenious ways of getting out of their homes , or backyards . For instance , L . figured out how to open the gate on our fence . After a few heart racing , stomach nauseating moments , I found him down the street playing with the neighbor 's dog . We put padlocks on the gate to keep him in the backyard . He began to disassemble the fence , and we 're talking the tall vinyl fencing that has no slats in it . He would squeeze through the cracks he had managed to make and roam free once again . You really have to save them from themselves sometimes . I just hope and pray that this couple find their son , that he is returned to them safe and sound , just as I would want my son to be if it were me . Over the years I have learned to accept the fact that my sons have autism . There were times when it wasn 't easy . There are still times when it is not easy . Whenever L . should be making a milestone that the other children his age have hit it hurts me all over again . I think that whenever I see someone staring in public or acting as if he was from a different planet , it also makes me experience the heartache anew . When L . was just four he was the size of a six year old . I didn 't have much of a choice , when I went somewhere I had to take him with me . My husband worked two jobs and there was no switching guard duty , like the way we do it now . He comes home , I run errands , he has to leave , I come home . In this way we have avoided the difficulties of fighting him in public . On one particular occasion I took my son L . and my two other children to the store with me . It nearly broke my back , but I managed to haul him into the cart because he had a tendency to run away . You can imagine the complications of him not being able to tell anyone his name , age , address , or telephone number if he were to run off and get lost . Although I had good intentions when I confined him to the cart , he was not happy . He began to really throw a fit , to the point that I got some curious glances . One woman approached and began to good - naturedly scold him . " Now you shouldn 't be putting your mother through such antics , " she was telling him . " There 's no need to behave that way . You need to be a good boy . " I politely explained that it was no use for her try and talk him out of crying . He likely had no idea what she was telling him . I told her that he had autism . She was very kind and seemed sympathetic , saying she understood because she drove the bus for the school system and had a few special needs children that she drove back and forth . During the duration of our short conversation an elderly man tried to pass my cart . L . , in desperation , reached out and grabbed him , trying to use him as leverage to get out of his caged prison . Well , that did not goPosted by We just got back from a restaurant . Shockingly we decided to take the whole family . Usually we avoid making public appearances because quite often it turns into a huge fiasco . We went Italian , always a good idea because spaghetti is one of L . 's favorites . We learned the hard way that not all Italian restaurants serve spaghetti . It wasn 't pretty . L . is very motivated by food . He will tell you himself , " I love to eat , " which he heard on an Elmo 's World . If it is not something he likes or wants , there is not motivation . Funny how that works . However , this evening was somewhat pleasant . At least until the spaghetti ran out . Everyone else was still eating and L . wanted to leave . He had eaten every last noodle on his plate and when he is done , it 's over , he no longer has any desire to sit still . He wants to head for the van . I call it his cocoon . When ever we venture out , he lasts for maybe a half an hour and then he 's begging to go sit in the van . I 'm not sure if he 's over stimulated , or just sick and tired of the company he 's in . But to him that van is safety and security . Last summer when we visited my parents in Tennessee , a solid two days drive , he wanted nothing more than to go home . All week he would cry and beg . There were times when he would just go and sit in the van to be someplace that he was familiar with and felt protection in . I don 't know that we 'll take a trip like that again for awhile . So if you see us and you don 't see him , you can pretty much guess where he is . The things we noticed about L . were small things , that didn 't mean much to us at the time . He did not make very good eye contact . It kind of depended on his mood . Sometimes he would look at you and smile , other times he used his peripheral vision in order to avoid you completely . He did not play with toys , he dumped them . He did not play with people , he played on them , climbing on you as if you were a jungle gym . He did not speak . He was sensitive to certain things , like too much noise , too many people , etc . L . was obsessive about certain programs on television , like Elmo 's World . He also didn 't do well with change in his schedule . All of these things didn 't seem that abnormal to me at the time . Odd , maybe but not unreasonable . After all he was only two . I just thought that he had his own unique personality . When all of these things were pointed out to me as being characteristics of autism it was hard to believe . I looked on this beautiful , perfectly formed little boy and it was inconceivable to think that his brain was wired wrong . His programing was in a foreign language . What 's worse is I had no idea how to speak that language . I think the hardest thing that I went through during that time was the thought that he would be made fun of , or treated badly . I had seen it before , in school when the kids would pick on the " Special Ed " students . It broke my heart to think that L . was going to be the butt of others jokes , ridiculed , harassed . It is something that still haunts me . Not that we didn 't want more children , but it was a complete surprise when we found out that we were pregnant with my third child , and second son . A few bold individuals have asked why we decided to have another child when we knew that L . had autism . We did not know at the time . He wasn 't diagnosed until one month before our third arrived . To be honest , we were so swept up in preparations for another baby and buying our first home that problems with L . were put on the back burner . We didn 't really think there was anything wrong . He just wasn 't talking , that 's all , we told ourselves . When I chanced to express concern everyone assured me that boys talked later than girls . That made sense because my daughter tends to be outspoken and very much a little mother . I gradually came to realize that no matter what others were telling me something was not right with our toddler . He went from being a wide eyed , smiling little child to a somber and often reclusive boy . He still liked to be cuddled . He still smiled occasionally but in general he was very withdrawn and non communicative . We first approached our family doctor , who wisely pointed us in the direction of the public school systems Head Start program . After a great deal of working with him and testing him they confirmed to us that he had autism . But first they checked his hearing . I recall talking to my mother on the telephone , telling her that we had taken him in to make sure that he was deaf . She was thrilled that it wasn 't that . But I was actually praying that it was . Deaf I could deal with . They could help him if he was hearing impaired . But no . It was Autism . It was a death sentence . After scouring the Internet and learning that there was no cure , my husband and I felt utter despaired . How do you treat a problem that has no solution ? I immediately grew depressed and really went through a period of morning , crying every time I saw children that were his age and what they could do , comparing the stark differences with my son . Any little thing brought me to tears . MTracy My friend Abel Koegh , the author of Room for Two , sent me this article , which I will call " two steps forward " . http : / / www . sltrib . com / ci _ 9525303Basically , a man named John LeSieur created a computer program to help children with autism navigate the web . I think it 's fabulous that people are taking the initiative to create solutions for children with disabilities . With 1 out of every 150 children suffering from autism and still more suffering from intellectual challenges there is a great need for such a program . My husband and I found it interesting because we could really use something like that . Our son sneaks on to the computer and punches in animal names and cartoons in the Google search engine and has gotten some pretty interesting things . The next article I will call " two steps back " . http : / / www . comcast . net / articles / news - national / 20080601 / Church . Autistic . Child / A thirteen year old boy has been ban from worshipping at his church because he has autism and is large for his size . I can understand to a certain extent that his priest has concerns about the liabilities he poses , however , I feel that there should be some options and some compromises for the situation . I took my younger son , diagnosed with PDDNOS to get his hair cut , explained that he is a difficult one and hates getting his haircut , and I was informed that if he gets upset they may not be able to serve him . Again , I understand that they are worried about getting sued or whatever , but what are my options , if I can 't take my son to get a haircut ? It 's very hard to hear things like that . As a parent of a child or , in my case , children who fall on the spectrum our choices are very limited . While I was very upset that they reserved the right to provide a service for my son because of his disability , I can not imagine being told I am not welcome to worship at Church because of it . It is reminiscent of a scene in Keeping Keller when supposedly religious and pious people feel that Keller should not be brought to church because he is disruptive . I look at it tPosted by My son was only a few weeks old when my In - laws came to visit their first grandson . My father - in - law picked him up and began talking to him , cooing and smiling . The baby looked him in the eyes and gave him a grin like I 've never seen before , as if he recognized his grandpa . We all commented on how most babies don 't smile like that . Everyone always claims that if a baby smiles it is gas . This most certainly was not gas . He was smiling down to his toes . As he grew , his body became more stout , more solid . Friends and family would bend down to pick him up and grunt in surprise at just how sturdy his frame was . The only odd thing that I noticed about my perfect child was his eating habits . He refused baby food , so I began making my own . He ate pretty much anything that I gave him , as long as it was homemade , in stark contrast to the spaghetti , pizza , or chicken he will eat now . We are currently working on broadening his horizons . Every cute thing he did , was nothing but perfection to his father and I . We had two healthy children , and we felt like the luckiest people in the world . Looking back , I wonder now if there was something I didn 't see . Something I was overlooking out of ignorance or just because I didn 't want to see it . But everything seemed to be going well . He rolled over when he should have , he crawled when he should have , he walked when he should have , and he even began to speak , saying apple , Elmo , Mama , Daddy . At some point he just stopped speaking . At some point that I can 't even really recall his words went away . And he slipped into what they call Regressive Autism , and he was lost for a time . Two weeks overdue , as uncomfortable as humanly possible , I felt like a walking time bomb . My son was due at the end of September and here it was the beginning of October with no baby and no end in sight . That summer was sweltering in Des Moines , Iowa , with record breaking temperatures that I had somehow managed to endure . My husband and I had a small daughter and were eagerly looking forward to adding a little boy to our growing family . The exhilaration we felt as we looked at the ultrasound and saw the physical proof of that baby boy lives with me still . We had a name , we had the baby clothes washed and folded and put away in his chest of drawers , the crib was assembled , generously bathed in blue bedding , everything was there but our son . My poor husband had taken me to the hospital three times with hard contractions just minutes apart . I would labor throughout the night and then be sent home the next morning . Until I finally reached the two week overdue mark and the doctors felt that they had allowed me to suffer enough and broke my water , I was tortured with a barrage of contractions on a daily frequency . When he was born the cord was wrapped tightly around his neck , his tiny face an unnatural purple . But then he cried and they laid him on my chest . He was so sturdy , with a cap of thick black hair , perfectly parted . I gazed at his soft round face and couldn 't hold back the dreams of him playing ball with his father , going to college , meeting a girl and getting married , giving me grand babies , it was all there - the grand dreams a mother contemplates . Indulge me for a moment while I brag just a little . He was the most beautiful baby . And I wasn 't the only one who thought so . My nurse spread the word and all of the other nurses filed in to see the boy wonder . And what a good baby . He had an easy and quiet temprament , smiled readily , and was fond of cuddling . Yes , that was the birth of a dream . |
She calls Mumbai immediately , and screams at the old man , ' You are not getting divorced . Don 't do a single thing until I get there . I 'm calling my brother back , and we 'll both be there tomorrow . Until then , don 't do a thing , DO YOU HEAR ? ? ' and she hangs up . The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife . ' Okay ' , he says , ' It 's all set . They 're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare ! ! ' MORAL : Alexander , after conquering many kingdoms , was returning home . On the way , he fell ill and it took him to his death bed . With death staring him in his face , Alexander realized how his conquests , his great army , his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence . He now longed to reach home to see his mother 's face and bid her his last adieu . But , he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit him to reach his distant homeland . So , the mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale , helplessly waiting to breathe his last . The king felt exhausted after saying this . He took a minute 's rest and continued . " My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin " . The people who had gathered there wondered at the king 's strange wishes . But no one dared bring the question to their lips . . Alexander 's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart . " O king , we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled . But tell us why do you make such strange wishes ? " I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor can really cure any body . They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death . So let not people take life The second wish of strewing gold , silver and other riches on the way to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me . I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me . Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth . An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language . He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as " she " . One of the students raised their hand and asked " What gender is a computer " ? Instead of giving the answer , the teacher split the class into two groups , male and female , and asked them to decide for themselves whether " computer " should be a masculine or a feminine . Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation . The men 's group decided that " computer " should definitely be of the feminine gender because : 1 . No one but their creator understands their internal logic ; 2 . The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else ; 3 . Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval ; and 4 . As soon as you make a commitment to one , you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it . ( THIS GETS BETTER ! ) The women 's group , however , concluded that computers should be Masculine because : 1 . In order to do anything with them , you have to turn them on ; 2 . They have a lot of data but still can 't think for themselves ; 3 . They are supposed to help you solve problems , but half the time they ARE the problem ; and 4 . As soon as you commit to one , you realize that if you had waited a little longer , you could have gotten a better model . The women won . 1 . At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you . 2 . At least 15 people in this world love you , in some way . 3 . A smile from you , can bring happiness to anyone , even if they don 't like you . 4 . Every night , SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep . 5 . You mean the world to someone . 6 . Without you , someone may not be living . 7 . You are special and unique , in your own way . 8 . Someone that you don 't know even exists , loves you . 9 . When you make the biggest mistake ever , something good comes from it . 10 . When you think the world has turned it 's back on you , take a look , you most likely turned your back on the world . 11 . When you think you have no chance at getting what you want , you probably won 't get it , but if you believe in yourself , you probably sooner or later will get it . 12 . Always remember complements you received , forget about the rude remarks . 13 . Always tell someone how you feel about them , you will feel much better when they know . 14 . If you have a great friend , take the time to let them know that they 're great . A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it . He held it up for all to see and asked the students , " How much do you think this glass weighs ? " " 50gms ! " ... " 100gms ! " . . . . . . " 125gms " . . . . . . the students answered . " I really don 't know unless I weigh it , " said the professor , " but , my question is : What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes ? " " Nothing " the students said . " Very good . But during all this , did the weight of the glass change ? " , asked the professor . " No " . " Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress , and how can I get rid of it ? " Now , the students were puzzled . " Exactly ! " said the professor . " Life 's problems are something like this . Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem OK . Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache . Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you . You will not be able to do anything . On the last day before Christmas , I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy the gifts I didn 't manage to buy earlier . When I saw all the people there , I started to complain to myself : ' It is going to take forever here and I still have so many other places to go . . . ' Christmas really is getting more and more annoying every year . How I wish I could just lie down , go to sleep and only wake up after it was over . I started to curse the prices , wondering if kids really play with such expensive toys . While looking in the toy section , I noticed a small boy of about 5 years old pressing a doll against his chest . He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad . I wondered who this doll was for . Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him : ' Granny , are you sure I don 't have enough money ? ' The old lady replied : ' You know that you don 't have enough money to buy this doll , my dear . ' Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around . She left quickly . The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand . Finally , I started to walk towards him and asked who he wanted to give this doll to . ' It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for this Christmas . She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her . ' I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring it to her , after all , and not to worry . But he replied to me sadly . ' No , Santa Claus can not bring it to her where she is now . I have to give the doll to my mother so that she can give it to her when she goes there . ' His eyes were so sad while saying this . ' My sister has gone to be with God . Daddy say that Mummy will also go to see God very soon , so I thought that she could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister ' . My heart nearly stopped . The little boy looked up at me and said : ' I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet . I asked him to wait until I come back from the supermarket ' Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing . He then told me : ' I also want mummy to take this photo witPosted by A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales . The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small . The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale . Irritated , the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ; it was physically impossible . The little girl said , ' When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah ' . The teacher asked , ' What if Jonah went to hell ? ' The little girl replied , ' Then you ask him ' . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing . She would occasionally walk around to see each child 's work . As she got to one little girl who was working diligently , she asked what the drawing was . The girl replied , ' I 'm drawing God . ' The teacher paused and said , ' But no one knows what God looks like . ' Without missing a beat , or looking up from her drawing , the girl replied , ' They will in a minute . ' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink . She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head . She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked , ' Why are some of your hairs white , Mom ? ' Her mother replied , ' Well , every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy , one of my hairs turns white . ' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said , ' Momma , how come ALL of grandma 's hairs are white ? ' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The children had all been photographed , and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture . ' Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say , ' There 's ' And there 's the teacher , she 's dead . ' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood . Trying to make the matter clearer , she said , ' Now , class , if I stood on my head , the blood , as you know , would run into it , and I would turn red in the face . ' ' Yes , ' the class said . ' Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn 't run into my feet ? ' A little fellow shouted , ' Cause your feet ain 't empty . ' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch . At the head of the table was a large pile of apples . The nun made a note , and posted on the apple tray : ' Take only ONE . God is watching . ' Moving further along the lunch line , at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies . A child had written a note , ' Take all you want . God is watching the apples . ' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It doesn 't matter how many people you send this to , just remember if it made you laugh , your friends will laugh . It was Friday morning , and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called ' add to the picture ' . The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time . The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard , and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture . The teacher called on James to start things off . James returned to his seat . The teacher called on Ernie next . Ernie returned to his seat . Now it was Suzy 's turn . Suzy returned to her seat . Next , the teacher called Jerry to the board . Jerry returned to his seat . Kim was called to the board . Kim returned to her seat . About this time , little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically . Little Johnny was well known for being off center , so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything . But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard , she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty . So she called on little Johnny , and he ran to the chalkboard . The entire class erupted with laughter . . . the Teacher fainted . Little Johnny had done it again . Posted by This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years . The only friction in their marriage was the husband 's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke . The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air . Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick . He told her he couldn 't stop and that it was perfectly natural . She told him to see a doctor . She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out . The years went by and he continued to rip them out ! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep , she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck , gizzard , liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her . She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and , gently pulling back the bed covers , she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts . Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom . The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing , tears in her eyes ! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good . About twenty minutes later , her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face . She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter . He said , " Honey , you were right . All these years you have warned me and I didn 't listen to you . " What do you mean ? " asked his wife . " Well , you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out , and today it finally happened . But by the grace of God , some Vaseline , and these two fingers , I think I got most of them back in . One day , when I was a freshman in high school , I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school . His name was Kyle . It looked like he was carrying all of his books . I thought to myself , ' Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday ? He must really be a nerd . ' I had quite a weekend planned ( parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon ) , so I shrugged my shoulders and went on . As I was walking , I saw a bunch of kids running toward him . They ran at him , knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt . His glasses went flying , and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him . He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes . My heart went out to him . So , I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses , and I saw a tear in his eye . As I handed him his glasses , I said , ' Those guys are jerks . They really should get lives . ' He looked at me and said , ' Hey thanks ! ' There was a big smile on his face . It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude . I helped him pick up his books , and asked him where he lived . As it turned out , he lived near me , so I asked him why I had never seen him before . He said he had gone to private school before now . I would have never hung out with a private school kid before . We talked all the way home , and I carried some of his books . He turned out to be a pretty cool kid . I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends . He said yes . We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle , the more I liked him , and my friends thought the same of him . Monday morning came , and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again . I stopped him and said , ' Boy , you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday ! ' He just laughed and handed me half the books . Over the next four years , Kyle and I became best friends . When we were seniors we began to think about college . Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke . I knew that we would always be friends , that the miles would never be a problem . He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship . Kyle was valedictorian of our class . I teased him all the time about being a nerd . He had to prepare a speech for graduation . I was so glad it wasn 't me having to get up there and speak . Graduation day , I saw Kyle . He looked great . He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school . He filled out and actually looked good in glasses . He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him . Boy , sometimes I was jealous ! Today was one of those days . I could see that he was nervous about his speech . So , I smacked him on the back and said , ' Hey , big guy , you 'll be great ! ' He looked at me with one of those looks ( the really grateful one ) and smiled . ' Thanks , ' he said . As he started his speech , he cleared his throat , and began ' Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years . Your parents , your teachers , your siblings , maybe a coach . . but mostly your friends . . . . I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them . I am going to tell you a story . ' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met . He had planned to kill himself over the weekend . He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn 't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home . He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile . ' Thankfully , I was saved . My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable . ' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome , popular boy told us all about his weakest moment . I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile . Not until that moment did I realize it 's depth . Never underestimate the power of your actions . With one small gesture you can change a person 's life . For better or for worse . God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way . Look for God in others . Posted by At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys ' side of the story . We always hear the rules from the female side . Now here are the rules from the male side . These are our rules ! 1 . Shopping is NOT a sport . And no , we are never going to think of it that way . 1 . Crying is blackmail . 1 . Ask for what you want . Let us be clear on this one : Subtle hints do not work ! Strong hints do not work ! 1 . Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question . 1 . Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it . That 's what we do . Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for . 1 . A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem . See a doctor . 1 . If you think you 're fat , you probably are . Don 't ask us . 1 . If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry , we meant the other one 1 . You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done . Not both . If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself . 1 . Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials . 1 . Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we . 1 . ALL men see in only 16 colors , like Windows default settings . Peach , for example , is a fruit , not a color . Pumpkin is also a fruit . We have no idea what mauve is . 1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say " nothing , " We will act like nothing 's wrong . We know you are lying , but it is just not wor th the hassle . 1 . If you ask a question you don 't want an answer to , Expect an answer you don 't want to hear . 1 . When we have to go somewhere , absolutely anything you wear is fine . Really . . 1 . Don 't ask us what we 're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball , the shotgun formation , or golf . 1 . You have too many shoes . 1 . Thank you for reading this . Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh . Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh ! Here are two pics of an amazing piece of art . Location : Tata Museum , Jamshedpur . In the first pic , you can see a painting . This was a gift to JRD Tata on his Birthday by a street artist . Nobody was able to understand his art . Unfortunately , only the painting was given to JRD and the artist had promised to reveal the secret shortly . However , JRD was no more when the secret was actually revealed . Here 's the secret revealed . When you place a steel rod at the circle in the first pic you saw , you will see the image of the JRD Tata as a reflection on the steel rod as seen in the second pic below . Isn 't it incredible ! ! Posted by I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account . A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7 , 000 times . ( Poor girl ! she 's been 7 since 1993 . . . ) By the time the Lord made woman , he was into his sixth day of working overtime . An angel appeared and said , " Why are you spending so much time on this one ? " And the Lord answered , " Have you seen my spec sheet on her ? She has to be completely washable , but not plastic , have over 200 movable parts , all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers , have a lap that can hold four children at one time , have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart - and she will do everything with only two hands . " The angel was astounded at the requirements . " Only two hands ! ? No way ! And that 's just on the standard model ? That 's too much work for one day . Wait until tomorrow to finish . " " But I won 't , " the Lord protested . " I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart . She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days . " The angel moved closer and touched the woman . " But you have made her so soft , Lord . " " She is soft , " the Lord agreed , " but I have also made her tough . You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish . " Will she be able to think ? " asked the angel . The Lord replied , " Not only will she be able to think , she will be able to reason and negotiate . " The angel then noticed something , and reaching out , touched the woman 's cheek . " OOPS , it looks like you have a leak in this model . I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one . " " That 's not a leak , " the Lord corrected , " that 's a tear ! " " What 's the tear for ? " the angel asked . The Lord said , " The tear is her way of expressing her joy , her sorrow , her pain , her disappointment , her love , her loneliness , her grief and her pride . " The angel was impressed . " You are a genius , Lord . You thought of everything ! Woman is truly amazing . " And so she is ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Women have strengths that amaze men . They bear hardships and they carry burdens , but they hold happiness , love and joy . They smile when they want to scream . They sing when they want to cry . They cry when they are happy and laugh when thPosted by This is how I heard your day was going . . . . First you had trouble getting out of bedYou had a stiff neckYou washed your hair and couldn 't do a thing with itYour new diet really doesn 't seem to be working outYou pulled a muscle when you tried to exerciseYour new hat looked better on you at the storeYou keep losing thingsYou got caught in the rain at lunchtimeThen the lunch you had didn 't seem to agree with youYou feel trappedUninvited guests showed up at dinnertimeOn top of that you think you 're coming down with somethingAnd finally , you 're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basementMAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER ! ! Thought for the Day Handle every stressful situation like a dog . If you can 't eat it or play with it , Just pee on it and walk away . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RELAX ! ! ! Posted by The boss asked him , " Have you ever been a salesman before ? " " Yes sir , I was a salesman in India " , replied the lad . The boss liked the cut of him and said , " You can start tomorrow and I 'll come and see you . " The day was long and arduous for the young man , but he got through it . And finally 6 : 00 PM came around . The boss duly fronted up and asked , " How many sales did you make today ? " " Sir , Just ONE sale . " said the young salesman . " Only one sale ? " blurted the boss . " No ! No ! You see here , most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day . " If you want to keep this job , you 'd better be doing better than just one sale . By the way " How much was the sale worth ? " " Well " , said the salesman , " This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook , then a medium hook and finally a really large hook . Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear . Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast . A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package . What food might this contain ? " The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap . Retreating to the farmyard , the mouse proclaimed the warning . There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The chicken clucked and scratched , raised her head and said , " Mr . Mouse , I can tell this is a grave concern to you , but it is of no consequence to me . I cannot be bothered by it . " The mouse turned to the pig and told him , " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The pig sympathized , but said , " I am so very sorry , Mr . Mouse , but there is nothing I can do about it but pray . Be assured you are in my prayers . " The mouse turned to the cow and said " There is a mousetrap in the house ! There is a mousetrap in the house ! " The cow said , " Wow , Mr . Mouse . I 'm sorry for you , but it 's no skin off my nose . " So , the mouse returned to the house , head down and dejected , to face the farmer 's mousetrap alone . That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever . Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . But his wife 's sickness continued , so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them , the farmer butchered the pig . The farmer 's wife did not get well ; she died . So many people came for her funeral ; the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them . The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness . The next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn 't concern you , remember - - when one of us is threatenealka Saturday morning I got up early , quietly dressed , made my lunch , and slipped quietly into the garage . I hooked up the boat up to the van , and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour . The wind was blowing 50 mph , so I pulled back into the garage , turned on the radio , and discovered that the weather would be bad all day . I rear - ended a car this morning . So , there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car . You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny ? Yeah , well I couldn 't believe it . . . . He was a DWARF ! ! ! He stormed over to my car , looked up at me , and shouted , " I AM NOT HAPPY ! ! ! " After retiring , I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security . The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver 's License to verify my age . I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home . I told the woman that I was very sorry , but I would have to go home and come back later . The woman said , ' Unbutton your shirt ' . So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair . She said , ' That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me ' and she processed my Social Security application . I took my wife to a restaurant . The waiter , for some reason took my order first . " I 'll have the steak , medium rare , please . " A woman was standing nude , looking in the bedroom mirror . She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband , " I feel horrible ; I look old , fat and ugly . I really need you to pay me a compliment . ' Joe , a college student , was taking a course in ornithology , the study of birds . The night before the biggest test of the semester , Joe spent all night studying . He had the textbook nearly memorized . He knew his class notes backward and forward . Joe was ready . The morning of the test , Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row . On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds . Each bird had a sack covering its body , and only the legs were showing . When class started , the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name , species , habitat , mating habits , etc . Joe looked at each of the birds ' legs . They all looked the same to him . He started to get angry . He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS ? The more he thought about the situation , the angrier he got . " What a ridiculous test ! " he told the prof . " How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs ? This exam is the biggest rip - off I 've ever seen ! " A frail old man went to live with his son , daughter - in - law , and four - year grandson . The old man 's hands trembled , his eyesight was blurred , and his step faltered . The family ate together at the table . But the elderly grandfather 's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult . Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor . When he grasped the glass , milk spilled on the tablecloth . The son and daughter - in - law became irritated with the mess . " We must do something about Grandfather , " said the son . " I 've had enough of his spilled milk , noisy eating , and food on the floor " . So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner . There , Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together . Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two , his food was served in a wooden bowl . When the family glanced in Grandfather 's direction , sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone . Still , the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food . The four - year - old watched it all in silence . One evening before supper , the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor . He asked the child sweetly , " What are you making ? " Just as sweetly , the boy responded , " Oh , I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old . " The four year old smiled and went back to work . The words so struck the parents that they were speechless . Then tears started to stream down their cheeks . Though no word was spoken , both knew what must be done . That evening the husband took Grandfather 's hand and gently led him back to the family table . For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family . And for some reason , neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped , milk spilled , or the tablecloth soiled . Posted by The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said , " Oh , Daddy , it is not empty . I blew kisses into the box . All for you , Daddy . " |
My Granny on my Mama 's side was one of 12 siblings . She had 5 sisters and 6 brothers , and that 's the part of the family this reunion is for . This was the 47th consecutive year for the reunion , but I worry about its future . Fewer and fewer people are attending as the original group is getting smaller and smaller . My great aunt is the only one of the original siblings left . Many of the first cousins are either gone or stopped coming to the reunion when their parents were gone . It 's sad to see the event dwindling , but I have some great memories . My brother and I talked about it this year , and we decided that we 'll continue to attend the reunion as long as Mama goes . Some of the cousins show up every 5 or so years , and quite frankly , we often don 't know who some of them are . We took photos of all the first cousins , then second cousins , then third cousins . Biscuit fits into the third cousin group , but there were 3 little boys and 1 girl that I don 't recall seeing before . We don 't even know which of the original siblings those kids were descendants of . One thing that was different about this year was that Jeff and I had to leave the reunion that Sunday and drive home . Normally , we drive down on Saturday , spend Saturday night in a hotel , go to the reunion Sunday morning and afternoon , then drive to my uncle 's house to stay Sunday night . One of the best things about the trip is hanging out at my uncle 's house after the reunion talking about everybody . I wish the reunion could be like it was in its heyday . I would love for Biscuit to grow up with that kind of gathering in his life . Back in the day , there would be easily 200 + people there . Can you imagine looking around at 200 + people and realizing that you are connected to every person there by blood or marriage ? It was a very cool thing . A new song : My sister - in - law took Biscuit to their church while he was staying with them . He learned a song that he sang to Jeff and me tonight . He put his hands out in front of him to look like an open book . And according to Biscuit , the song goes like this . . . " Well , you 've got all kinds of toys in the living room , " I said . " I can set you up at the table with a coloring book and crayons or paper and pencils . You can draw on your chalkboard . You can play your music instruments . You can go outside . You can go upstairs to play with your train table . You mean to tell me that with all those options , you can 't find anything to do ? " " I 'll just sit here , Mom , " Biscuit said . " I 'll just SIT RIGHT HERE and do NOTHING . I won 't do ANYthing . And you won 't be my friend anymore . " My poor boy . I was trying really hard not to laugh , but it was so funny ! He was being so dramatic . It was like he truly believed that his world was ending . I walked into the living room and got my camera . I thought if he saw the camera , he might get distracted enough to forget why he was so upset . I told him I was going to take a picture of him . And do you know what he said to me ? Do you know what my 3 - year - old son said to me ? " I give up , " Biscuit said . " I just give up ! " And he crossed his arms in the air and drew them quickly in toward his stomach just to add a little more drama . " I 'm just going to sit here and give up . " " He 's not hurt , " Jeff said . " He 's just pouting . And it 's perfectly okay to call his bluff when he 's acting like that . " Neither of the boys could concentrate on their sandwiches for fear that the rides would shut down before they could get on . We finally resorted to the threat that " if you don 't eat your sandwich , you don 't ride any rides . " It worked , and we got some food in both boys . The legs are too short . The shirt is too short . The chest is so tight that the neck is almost chocking him . I think it 's time for some bigger jammies . Thankfully , Biscuit woke up this morning with no fever . So back to our regularly scheduled programming . I 'll tell you about the rest of our vacation week . Friday morning : We went to my niece 's awards show at her middle school . She won 4 or 5 awards , and because I have Biscuit and my nieces and nephew camera trained , my niece would get a certificate , then turn toward me , hold up her certificate and smile . After the ceremony , my parents , Jeff , Griffin and I headed out of state for our family reunion ( a 5 1 / 2 - hour drive ) . We followed each other all the way there , so we stopped and had lunch together . We spent Friday night at my uncle 's house . Sunday morning : We drove to the state park for the reunion . About 3 p . m . , we left to drive home . We usually spend Sunday night at my uncle 's house and go home Monday , but Jeff couldn 't miss work Monday , which mean a 7 1 / 2 - hour drive home after the reunion . My brother and his family were driving on the same interstate as us , so we stopped and had dinner with them before we drove the rest of the way home . We got home about 11 : 30 p . m . My brother turned 40 years old on May 11 . It 's hard for me to believe he 's 40 . I still remember all the fights we had as kids , when I would throw one of his shoes out the front door then lock him out of the house . And I still remember all the miles we logged on our bicycles , pretending to be motorcycle cops . So we set to work . She got addresses of friends and family , and we decided on a restaurant . We were looking for something centrally located to all the guests , but in their town , there are only a couple of restaurants that can accommodate as many people as we wanted to invite . I made up the invitations , using some childhood photos of my brother that I had borrowed from Mama . Then I addressed all the envelopes . We were expecting close to 50 people . I called her , and we ended up having one of those I - thought - you - called - the - restaurant , no - I - thought - YOU - called - the - restaurant conversations . Turns out neither of us had called . And the restaurant was booked up for the night we needed it . With one of the two possible restaurants booked up , we had to turn to the other . It was available , but it 's not my brother 's favorite place to eat . But we didn 't really have a choice , so I remade the invitations with the other restaurant 's name and address and got them reprinted then sent out . Mama came up with a good story . She said that she and Jeff were talking about home - cooking , and she asked him if he had ever been to the home - cooking buffet restaurant near them . He said no , so that was our excuse to choose that place . We had all our bases covered . It was a good night . Everybody in the room ( all 46 people ) knew at least a couple of other people , so everybody had at least a couple of other people to talk to . The invitation said no gifts , but a couple of people brought gag gifts . My brother got some adult diapers , hemorrhoid cream and a six - pack of nutrition drinks for old people . As soon as I picked him up , I could tell he wasn 't feeling well . Normally , I walk into his classroom and stand and watch him until he notices me . Then he yells " MOM ! " and comes running to meet me . Wednesday , I walked into his class and stood and watched . Biscuit glanced up from the book he was looking at and gave me a half smile . " Hi , Mom , " he said in almost a whisper . He got up , put up the book and slowly walked over to me . He didn 't jump into my arms . He didn 't tell me he was happy to see me . He was just so not himself . After dinner , Biscuit asked if he could watch TV on my bed . He usually only gets to watch a couple of shows after his bath , but since he wasn 't feeling well , I indulged him . I asked him if I could watch a show in the living room while he watched in the bedroom , and he said that was fine . My plan was to let him watch TV until he fell asleep , then I 'd take him up to his bed . So about 10 p . m . , I went in to check on Biscuit . That was when the panic set in . I walked into my bedroom and found Biscuit lying on the bed . His arms were twitching slightly , and I could tell he was asleep and dreaming . Except when I got closer , I realized that his eyes were wide open but not focused . He was staring at the ceiling , but he was completely out of it . I finally got him awake enough to talk to me coherently . I gave him some medicine for the fever and held him . He kept shifting around because he couldn 't get settled . I 'm guessing he was having body aches . About 11 p . m . , I could feel Biscuit 's belly rumbling , so I took him to the bathroom . Within about 10 seconds of being in there , he threw up . And then he threw up again . And again . And again . Finally , about 11 : 45 p . m . , I called the 24 - hour on - call nurse at Biscuit 's pediatrician 's office . I got the call center at which a very nice man took down all my information , all the details about what was going on with Biscuit and my phone number . Then he said a nurse would call me back shortly . About 10 minutes went by , and the nurse called . She was so nice and so indulgent . I told her I wasn 't sure if I was overreacting or not , but I just wasn 't sure what to do . I was on the phone with her for about 20 minutes . She asked me all kinds of questions and put all my fears at ease . Her : Has his temperature been 105 degrees or over ? Yesterday morning , Biscuit still had a fever when he woke up . Fever = contagious , so he couldn 't go to day care . Jeff was able to work from home , which helped a lot . The work I was doing that day had to be done at the office . The funny thing is that Biscuit hasn 't complained once . I keep asking him if his belly hurt or if his ears hurt or if his throat hurt , and every time , he says no . I 've even tried to rephrase the question , like , " When you swallow water , does it hurt ? " Still no complaints . Biscuit still had a fever this morning . Every time we give him medicine , his fever goes down . But then almost exactly 4 hours later , his fever is back up . And since it 's a holiday weekend , I figured we 'd better take Biscuit to the doctor today . If anything happened over the weekend or on the holiday , it would probably mean an ER trip . Otherwise , we 'd have to wait until Tuesday . I still want to share our vacation week , but as you can see , it 's been a bit hectic at our house . We 're going to get Biscuit feeling better . And I 'll tell you more what we were up to last week . He 's been realizing that a lot of words sound alike but mean different things . He 's also figured out lately that people can have the same name without being the same people . As I often say , you just don 't realize how much a little person has to learn as they grow into a bigger person . Jeff came in the bathroom this morning as I was getting ready and said , " Have you heard ' The Three Little Bears Rap ' ? " " I 'm guessing our son has learned something new at day care ? " I said . Last Sunday , Jeff , Biscuit and I went to church with Mama to celebrate Mother 's Day . My brother brought his family over after church , and we all ate together . We hung out for the rest of the afternoon and played with the kids . We shot pool . We played basketball . We rode scooters and bikes . We took turns taking the row boat out on the pond . And best of all , we sat on the porch and listened to the wind in the trees . My parents live in the woods , so when you 're sitting on their front porch , you don 't even hear cars on the highway . It 's very peaceful . Later that evening , Jeff and I left and headed to the beach . Alone . Just the two of us . We left Biscuit with my parents , and this might sound bad to admit , but I had no problem walking away from my sweet baby . Jeff and I took our first without - Biscuit trip this past New Year 's . As we were leaving , I was pretty emotional . I had a really hard time , and I didn 't want to leave Biscuit . But Biscuit had no problem leaving me at all . He knew he was going to spend a few days with his cousins . And he was excited about it . He missed us while we were gone . I could tell that as soon as I saw him at the end of our trip . But he had a great time without us . 2 . It gives Jeff and me much - needed time together . Jeff and I work in the same building , but we usually only see each other at lunch . And quite frankly , most of that time is spent with us venting to each other about our jobs . When I was pregnant , Jeff and I had a long talk about us and our relationship . We both agreed that if our marriage wasn 't good , our parenting wouldn 't be good , either . We decided that as long as we put each other first , we 'll be able to provide Biscuit with the love and support he needs . Plus , without being too dramatic , Biscuit is looking to us to learn what marriage is all about . Anyway , we decided that he would spent Sunday night with my parents . Biscuit loves my parents and their house . He can 't throw balls in the house , and food is restricted to the kitchen . Other than that , he has run of the place . And he loves it ! Grandmama and Papa play whatever he wants to play . They read to him . My Daddy plays his real guitar while Biscuit plays his toy guitar , and they sing songs together . My Mama makes up stories ( which Biscuit wants her to repeat verbatim at his command ) . Then sometime Monday evening , Biscuit was to head over to stay with his aunt , uncle ( my brother ) and three cousins . . . and 12 goats and 4 chickens and a dog . No explanations needed here . I 'll just repeat the important words : cousins , goats , chickens , dog . It was confirmed when we rounded the corner to the check - in counter and realized that all those kids were checking in . To our hotel . To stay in the rooms near us . And to use the beachfront we planned to use . We were not thrilled . I went to the beach after high school graduation , and we had a great time . It was one big 3 - day party . And as a recent graduate , I was in celebration mode and had no concerns about anybody else . But whether it makes me an old fuddy - duddy or not , I just dreaded knowing that those kids were going to be partying ' til all hours . It wasn 't terrible , but there was one thing that drove me nuts . Those kids hung out on the beach all day , and when they finally went inside to get ready for a night out on the town , they left beer cans , red plastic cups , cardboard boxes , suntan lotion bottles and all kinds of other trash in the sand on the beach . They just left it there for the hotel staff to have to clean up . That was annoying . That aside , Jeff and I enjoyed our time . We had a kitchenette in our room , so we stopped by the grocery store and got stuff for breakfast and lunch . Having those supplies meant that Jeff and I could sit on the balcony from the time we got up until the time we got dressed for dinner . We had some great seafood . We saw two movies ( something we rarely get to do anymore ) . And I took Jeff into some of the tacky beach stores that he so dearly loves . " MOM ! MOM ! I missed you so , so much ! " Biscuit said . Then Jeff got the same reception . " DAD ! DAD ! I missed you so , so much ! " This past week has been crazy busy hectic . Jeff and I were off work , so we decided to take a short anniversary trip . We celebrated our ninth anniversary on May 3 , but neither of us could take time off to celebrate . We also visited my parents , went to a surprise party and attended a family reunion . We spent many hours in our car on the road , in and out of three states . We saw tons of people ( old friends , new acquaintances , relatives and strangers ) . And we ate my Mama 's cooking , Southern home - cooking , seafood , junk food , birthday cake , potluck , pizza and more . " Maybe he is , " I said . Flavors and colors : We got ice cream one night last week . Jeff had a sundae . I had a scoop of orange sherbet . And Biscuit had a kid - size scoop of chocolate . " Yep . Because I asked nicely , " Biscuit said . Except he turned " nice - ah - ly " into a three - syllable word . " And you know what else , Dad ? " Jeff and I finally got the second blog book put together . . . " Bringing Up Biscuit , Part 2 . " I assembled all the posts I wrote the 2011 and got the pictures added . Then Jeff proofread the whole thing . We made corrections and uploaded it to the publishing site ( www . lulu . com ) earlier this week . It shipped this morning , and we should have the books early next week . It 's amazing to me that it took a whole year to write all that stuff and only a few days to print it out in book form . Apparently , the whole family was out and about in a town about 40 minutes from where they live . They stopped to get some ice cream , and Jeff tossed his cookies . And from the way it sounded , his parents had about as much to clean up as Jeff and I had the other day . I thought it was funny that they shared a " been there done that " kind of story with me . But when they told the same story to Jeff , first of all , he didn 't remember it happening . And second of all , the story started an argument . The two of them went back and forth for a little while about which car it was . The never came to a consensus about the car , but that 's understandable since they swapped cars quite often . Jeff 's Dad would buy wrecked cars , fix them back up and sell them . Biscuit and I were sitting in the backyard swing one night a couple of weeks ago . We were pretending we were on an airplane . I was the pilot . " Buckle up , passengers , " I said . " We 're heading to the beach on Flight 12 . " " What is it ? " I asked . At this point , Biscuit and I were both using very dramatic , very loud voices . I mean , wouldn 't you use a frantic voice , too , if there was something in the path of your airplane while you were flying to the beach ? ! ? " Mom ! It 's a spectacled bear ! " Biscuit said . " We have to find a way to go around it ! What are we going to do ? ! ? " Jeff and I celebrated our ninth anniversary this past week . Actually , " celebrated " is a strong word for it . I was sick with stomach ills that day , and Jeff had to work late . We planned to postpone our anniversary celebration until our upcoming beach trip , but we got a good coupon for one of our favorite restaurants and decided to go last night . Our babysitters don 't have kids of their own , so they see hanging out with Biscuit as a novelty . And thank goodness for that . It means that Jeff and I get to have the occasional night out . We leave them money to order pizza and head out the door with no worries . It 's very nice to feel perfectly comfortable walking away from your child . Biscuit is doing well today . Apparently , hot dogs are evil . I knew this already . I only eat hot dogs at cookouts and ball games . But as far as Biscuit is concerned , it will be a long , long time before he gets to have another one . Biscuit slept with me in our bed last night . I wrapped Jeff 's pillow in a towel and spread a towel on the bed under him . I sent Jeff to the guest room to sleep . He didn 't like that idea too much because he wanted to be close if something happened . But I told him he would clearly hear me yelling if something happened . My Mama had told me about B . R . A . T . eating after a stomach bug . It 's bananas , rice , applesauce and toast . We didn 't have any bananas , and Biscuit doesn 't eat rice . So for breakfast this morning , I gave him applesauce and toast . He ran around and played the rest of the morning like nothing had ever happened . We went to a first birthday party for a friend 's baby this afternoon at a local park . We showed up about half an hour late because it was pouring rain , and quite frankly , we were having second thoughts about going at all . The party was at a picnic shelter , but with the wind blowing the way it was , everyone was huddled in the center of the shelter waiting for the rain to slack up . So the party didn 't really get started until about an hour after it was supposed to . The rain finally stopped , and someone lit up the grill . There were hamburgers , hot dogs , assorted bags of chips , including Munchos and Funyuns , neither of which I 've seen in years . ( Jeff had Munchos , and I had Funyuns . I think we both walked down memory lane then decided we could wait another 20 years before trying either of them again . ) Biscuit has eaten a few bites of hot dogs before , but he 's never had a whole one by himself . Until today . He had a hot dog , a juice pouch , some chips and a small piece of a chocolate chip cookie cake . It wasn 't the best dinner he 's ever had , but there are worse things he could 've eaten . After some playing on the playground , some party games and some general running around , we left the party to head home . I didn 't have any of the cookie cake , so after we left the park , I decided to drive to a local hamburger joint to get a milkshake . I asked Jeff and Biscuit if they wanted one . Biscuit said he didn 't , and Jeff said he 'd rather have a hot doughnut from the doughnut shop next door . So I got my peanut butter fudge shake , and drove next door to get Jeff a doughnut . I placed the order at the drive - through , then drove around the side of the building . There were two cars in front of us and a car right behind us . I have no idea why that particular drive - through is so slow , but it is . At first , the waiting wasn 't bothering me too much because we didn 't really have anywhere to be . I have no idea how that much stuff could come back out of his mouth . It was everywhere . On his jacket , his shirt , his shorts , his face , his arms , his hands , the top part of his legs . On the car seat . On the mat underneath the car seat . Biscuit has thrown up twice EVER before today ( not counting a little spitting up when he was wee - tiny ) . So we were totally caught off guard . And Biscuit . . . for the look of shock he had on his face , he may as well have had dragons flying out of his mouth . We were trapped . We were still third in line with the other car still behind us . There was no room to pull out of line . We had nowhere to go . I slammed the car in park . Jeff got out on his side , and I got out on mine . We met at the back of the car . I lifted the back door and grabbed two bath towels from the cubby hole on the side . Anyway , Jeff and I started to dab at Biscuit and quickly realized there was WAY too much ickiness to deal with in a doughnut shop drive - through . The car at the front of the line started to move , so Jeff and I draped the towels over Biscuit and got back in . My mind was racing to try to figure out what to do . " Okay , " I said , sounding like I was fixing to explain the space - time continuum . " We 'll go to the store right down the street . I 'll go in and get a shirt and pair of pants , a box of wipes and some paper towels . " " Look at me , " I said to Biscuit in almost a whisper . He looked up with those beautiful blue eyes , and I said , " Everything is fine . We 're going to get everything cleaned up , and it will all be okay . Remember the song ? Every little thing gone be alright ? " Biscuit nodded his head , still not looking quite convinced . I helped him out of his jacket , then told him to stand up . I grabbed him under his arms and lifted him out of the car . Jeff and I got his shoes , pants and shirt off . I figured he 'd been upset about standing in the parking lot in his underwear , but you know what his concern was ? We got his clothes changed and put him in the driver 's seat . He pretended to drive us on trips as Jeff and I attempted to clean up the mess . Once we were finally ready to leave the parking lot , I cranked up the car and the signal light started blinking , and the windshield wipers were going , my headlights were on bright and the dome light wouldn 't turn off . That 's what I get for letting Biscuit sit in the driver 's seat . Anyway , we used half a box of wipes and about a third of a roll of paper towels , and there was still a mess . I took the whole cushion part off the car seat and put it in a giant bag . I had bought a cheap bath towel in the store , so I draped it over Biscuit 's car seat in place of the cushions . We got him fastened back in , and got all the dirty clothes in a bag . We put all the wipes and paper towels into another bag , and we were finally ready to go . When we got home , I took the bags of clothes and car seat cushions straight to our bathroom . I used the massage setting on our shower to spray off everything as best as I could . I wanted to remove as much of the . . . um , debris . . . as I could before I put them in the washer . I loaded the washer , and Biscuit and I took a shower . Jeff took the car seat out and sprayed it down with fabric freshener . Then when I got ready to swap the clothes from the washer to the dryer , there was lime green fuzz all over everything . The stupid cheap towel I bought had shed everywhere . I took Biscuit 's jacket out and started picking the lint off . I quickly realized that was a losing battle , so I took the towel out and started the washer over . While Jeff and I were taking care of the laundry and stuff , Biscuit got really quiet . He was sitting on my bed watching TV , and I realized I didn 't hear him talking . I ran into the bedroom , and he had thrown up again . . . on my comforter . Jeff hasn 't thrown up since he got food poisoning in 1989 . I , on the other hand , have thrown up a lot in my lifetime . I hope I don 't embarrass Jeff when I say that seeing Biscuit sick tonight had him in a pretty emotional state . He was looking at Biscuit with tears in his eyes . I felt so bad for him . Biscuit seems to be okay now . I 'm hoping he just needed to get everything out , and he 'll be fine tomorrow . If he has a virus , I 'm not sure how Jeff will handle it . I 'm a 40 - something first - time mom . Age and education did nothing to prepare me for motherhood . It 's the most wonderful and scariest thing that has ever happened to me . |
One day in Ventura , California , Jonell McLain saw a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window and wondered : Why are personal luxuries so plentiful yet accessible to so few ? What if we shared what we desired ? Several weeks , dozens of phone calls , and one great leap of faith later , Jonell and twelve other women bought the necklace together - to be passed along among them all . This necklace weaves in and out of each woman 's life , reflecting her past , defining her present , making promises for her future . Lending sparkle in surprising and unexpected ways , the necklace comes to mean something dramatically different to each of the thirteen women . With vastly dissimilar histories and lives , they transcend their individual personalities and politics to join together in an uncommon journey . If you like sociology as I do , this book is for you . It is a fast read but because I got sick and my eyes hurt , it took a little longer than it would have otherwise . I found a recommendation for this book on another blog and I am so glad I took the author up on this . A new school year starts . Tomie celebrates his 6th birthday in 1st grade with a cake in his classroom and great gifts . October comes and Tomie goes trick - or - treating with his brother for the first time . Then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas . But Tomie is stranded at home with the chicken pox . Will he still get to play his part in the pageant ? Finally it 's New Year 's Eve and lucky Tomie gets to stay up to see the new year in . Award - winning author Susan Campbell Bartoletti infuses the work with the voices of both former Hitler Youth members and young people who resisted the powerful Nazi movement . These voices stand alongside those of Jewish youths and others who were senselessly and brutally targeted by the Third Reich . What emerges is the story of average children and teenagers faced with extraordinary and unenviable choices . This book is required reading in the high schools here . It looked so interesting that both Diane and I wanted to read it but it was always out . Finally there were several copies on the shelf , so I took one out of the library to read . It is interesting , frightening , engaging . I am zooming my way through this one . There 's a new baby on Wish Pond Road , and Mallory has had all the baby talk she can take ! Mallory wants to be excited about Mary Ann and Joey 's new brother , Charlie . But she can 't help wondering what life will be like now that there 's a baby around . Whether it 's painting the nursery , taking family photos , or attending a baby shower , her friends are so caught up in the excitement of having a new baby brother that Mallory feels like they 've forgotten about her . Is there a bright side to the changes that baby Charlie brings ? I love the Mallory books and have read every one of them from # 1 on . Yeah , OK they are kids ' books , but who says adults can 't enjoy a children 's story now and then . Besides it 's a nice change from the dark story of Hitler and the Nazis . Like most of the Mallory books , I read this in one day . This is a collection of eye - opening first - person accounts that share what it was really like to go into hiding in the Netherlands during World War II . Each story is different . Some children were only three or four years old when they were hidden ; some were teenagers . Some hid with neighbors or relatives , while many were with complete strangers . But all know the pain of losing their homes , their families , even their own names . They describe the secret network of brave people who kept them safe . And they share the coincidences and close escapes that made all the difference . I 'm not doing too well getting to work on time this week . Wednesday I was 1 / 2 hour late . With the upstairs all messed up it has been difficult getting ready in the morning . Today should be better , though , since when I got home last night the mattress and boxspring were out front , bagged up and waiting to be taken away in the trash truck . Still some to go , but looking so much better . And yes , my friends , you will get to see before and after pictures as the room gets fixed up . Our showerhead was slowly giving up the ghost . I guess after 40 plus years it had a right to do so . So another of Joe 's projects was to change the showerhead . He has been trying to do so for several weeks , but it was really corroded and he couldn 't get it off . He finally did it on Tuesday night and put a new showerhead on . It was a strange feeling when I took my shower in the morning . It is really nice , but I will have to get used to it . It feels more like rain than the other one did . I had lunch with my friend Donna . She used to be my supervisor and when she retired I got her job . We hardly ever see each other and it was nice to spend some time catching up . I really love Donna . This is Donna A not to be confused with my other friend Donna B who I am having lunch with on Friday ! We went to Arby 's . It 's not my favorite place , but I do like their classic roast beef sandwich . Wednesday was Debbie 's first day of work at the Fishtown Branch . Diane and I went to pick her up after work . Richmond is only 15 minutes from Fishtown . Diane was able to show her where to get the bus to come home so I was glad she decided to come along . I then took Diane home and Debbie and I went to Little Caesar 's and got pizza for dinner . I dropped Debbie off at her house and then ran home . I put the food on the kitchen table and then Joe and I ran off to Bible Study . We had six people there tonight ( seven counting Joe ) . Joe is doing a series on discipleship . It 's very in depth and quite different from my ladies ' study . However , at one point we four ladies were comparing it to the Jonah study we are doing on Tuesday ( obedience ) . That made me feel good , because I could tell they were really taking the Tuesday study in because of what they were saying . So I 'm not just talking to thin air ! Friday is Dottie 's birthday . She is going to be 91 . ( She is determined to make it to 100 . ) So Genny baked a pumpkin cake for her and we all sang Happy Birthday . Dottie was grinning from ear to ear . It was so sweet of Genny to do that . Genny told me that she wasn 't going to do it , but she knew she could count on me to help set things up and cut and hand out the cake . Aww . . . * smile * Wednesday 's photo challenge topic was " Moon " . When I think of the moon the first thing I think of is " Hey Diddle , Diddle " . One of my sister Elaine 's favorite pictures is one that our mom had as a child of the cow jumping over the moon . I don 't have a picture of it , but I can see it in my mind 's eye . If you can believe it , I had never heard of " Good Night Moon " until I was babysitting my three year old goddaughter , Emi . ( She just turned 23 and got engaged . Yikes ! ) This was one of her favorite books and she had me read it to her over and over . So here 's the catch up post for Tuesday . The day began with Bible Study . We were in Jonah 3 . I didn 't expect much , but wow ! It was a fantastic study with everyone getting involved so many ideas thrown around . One of the best weeks we 've had . Then it was off to work . Both Diane and Bob were back which made the day much better . I still didn 't get as much done as I would have liked , but something is better than nothing . Tuesdays are my late day so it makes for a long day and I am so tired by 8 : 30 when I get home . I made hot dogs for dinner and watched " 19 Kids and Counting " ( my favorite show ) . I ended up crying through the entire wedding show . Then I had to stay up to type up Joe 's notes for his Wednesday Bible Study . It was very long and took me about 1 1 / 2 hours to do . If I had known it was that much , I would have done it over the weekend when I wasn 't so tired and had more time . I kept falling asleep as I typed . It 's amazing it made any sense at all . As soon as I finished I went right to sleep . Today 's photo challenge is " Black and White " . Originally I was going to show a picture of my black cat Jenny and my white cat Snowy . But since Jenny 's death two months ago I just can 't bear to even look at her pictures too much . So I chose this picture instead . It 's not completely black and white , but I felt it was so close that I could use it . Lots of birds sit on the overhead wires going down our street . It 's rare to see just one hanging out like this . The warmth in the wires keeps them warm . Since this was taken in January , that 's exactly what this little guy was doing . I am so far behind in this photo challenge . I have been so busy and so tired that I haven 't been able to post for a couple of days . I am hoping to catch up but because I have to leave for work in half an hour and still have tons to do before I go this will be a short post . On Monday morning I was very late getting to work . When I walked in I found that I was the only Library Assistant there . Diane was on vacation and Bob was out sick . We opened up but I asked Liz to call for help for me . It 's hard to work all day when you are the only one on the desk . Lunch and bathroom breaks become impossible , let alone all the other off - the - desk tasks there are . Fortunately Tracey from the Fishtown Branch was able to come over . She lives close to Richmond so was happy to be closer to home and even went home for lunch . I love working with Tracey so that was great . But . . . when I got home I was so tired . I made ham , green beans and mashed potatoes ( from the farm ) for dinner and then fell sound asleep for the whole evening . I didn 't even work on cleaning up our bedroom . Joe bought a new boxspring and mattress . We are in the process of switching them out , but getting them up and down the winding staircase is quite a job . We had to move things and a lot of stuff is just thrown around the bedroom . The room is not that large to begin with so it looks horrible right now . I am planning on spending my Friday off fixing things back the way they should be . The good news is that Joe vacuumed under the bed while the boxspring was off . Good job , Joe ! I am planning on rearranging the furniture , we want to get more electrical outlets put in , and then we are going to paint the whole room . I think we can save the rug . It is going to look so good when we are finished . Then on to the next room . The photo challenge for Monday was " Morning " . Mornings are hectic for me . I 'm always running late and trying to do more things than I have time for . Like now . But the one thing that must be done first each day is feeding Snowy . Believe me she will let us know if she is not first ! In just one year she has become a spoiled little girl . I don 't know WHO let that happen . I also have been taking pictures of the construction site out back . It will be fun to watch it all take shape . Right now it 's just a big hole in the ground . I really didn 't want to get up this morning . I had a hard time getting myself together and once again took Joe over to church and then came home to get ready . But I got there , so I guess that counts . Our friend , Krystal , became the newest member of the church today . That was so special because Joe led her to the Lord in his Bible Study . Krystal is special and important to us . Pastor Justin continued on with his study in the book of Genesis . We are up to chapter 41 . Heading towards the end of the book . We had no idea when we began it in the beginning of June 2013 that it would take this long to work through the book . But it 's been wonderful and I 've learned so much . One of the things he said today that I will ponder on this week is this : God wants us to use our resources wisely . God gives us a period of time to act wisely and not squander our lives , then comes judgment . . . . Anything this world has to offer is worthless . Anything heaven has to offer is beyond comprehension . You have this time now . What are you going to be doing with it ? I slept in today and only woke up when the next - door neighbor called to see if I could return his DVDs to the library on Monday . I couldn 't really blame him for calling too early because by then it was 10 : 30 . I never sleep that late . But I 'm so glad I did today . I needed it . While we were eating breakfast we heard all this noise . I had heard machinery going earlier in the week , but thought it was just the gas works or water department working in the street . A lot of the streets are all dug up around here . Instead when Joe looked out the window he told me there was a backhoe in the empty lot in back of us . They are building a new house ! Today they were digging out for the basement and foundation . It will be interesting to see the house go up . But it will be strange to not be able to see the houses across the street . I have lived here for almost 35 years and have always been able to see across the street . Joe and I went to the farm today . I didn 't think we were going to make it because it was so late and it closes at 2 p . m . But we did . Of course the produce was all picked over , but we still got some nice stuff . Amish Muenster cheese , slicing tomatoes , potatoes , leeks and corn . We took the last two ears of corn they had . They were 50 cents each . I had them for dinner tonight and they were so sweet and good . Just like sugar . Oh wow ! Then we did our biweekly shopping at Shop Rite , went to Home Depot and Dollar Tree . I was really hurting by the end of this and sat in the car in the parking lot while Joe ran into the last two places . This darn arthritis in my foot ! But it could always be worse . Of course with getting up late and running all these errands what I wanted to get done today didn 't get done . I hate when my cleaning gets pushed back , but there 's only so many hours in a day . For today 's challenge I saw lots of shadows , but none of them were interesting . Finally tonight as the sun was setting I realized I had to get something . So here 's what I decided on . For the first time this season I worked at the Fishtown Branch of the library . They are our sister branch . We either work Fridays at Fishtown or Saturdays at Richmond . I used to enjoy working at Fishtown but now the guard there doesn 't like me . We had a disagreement about something around a year ago . Even though I have tried to make up with her , she is holding a grudge and does everything in her power to make my life miserable . So working with her at her branch is not a pleasant experience . Today she stood in back of me where I couldn 't see her and kept dropping things very loudly to make me jump . It 's childish . Even if I ask her something work related , she refuses to answer . I heard her tell someone that she hoped I would drop dead because I don 't deserve to live . How nice . But it 's only for a few more weeks . We are being changed to six day branches where we will all work in our own branch and not be switched around . It will be so much better that way . The good news is that I don 't have to work with this guard every day ! There is always something to be grateful for . Today 's photo challenge is Dinnertime . I was really happy for dinnertime today because now I am home for two days and I am not sick ! Well , not much anyway . Thursday , October 23 - - I feel as if I 've lived two days today . And I am so tired . It began with Joe and I leaving the house at 7 : 00 a . m . this morning to get him to the hospital in time for his test at 8 : 00 a . m . The drive in the morning is always hard with all the traffic and it didn 't help that it was raining so hard . We got there in plenty of time . I hadn 't eaten breakfast so we stopped at the Starbucks in there and I got a blueberry muffin . We had brought water and soda with us so that saved us some money . Then we went to nuclear medicine and checked in . It wasn 't long before Joe got the medicine they needed to use to do the test and then it was a waiting game . I went to the Canteen and ate my muffin , then came back . After Joe got the second round of drugs he had a three hour window . He got a chit for a free meal so we went to the Canteen and he got a salad and a bagel because he hadn 't been able to eat since the day before . I looked in the gift shop . They had lovely things , but everything was so expensive ! While we were waiting for the three hours to be up , Joe went to another doctor 's appointment . I sat in the waiting room and read my book . I was so tired because I had had only 3 hours sleep the night before that I fell asleep and woke up when the book dropped from my hand . That was so embarrassing . But I had had about 1 / 2 hour sleep and I felt so much better . After Joe 's test we headed home . Joe had wanted me to just drop him off and go home but I am so glad I stayed . His back is so bad that he is having trouble walking and used his walker today . He would have had an awfully hard time trying to manage everything himself . But . . . he had me all over that hospital . Three different floors and one end to the other . I was tired ! We stopped at Wawa and I got a salad for lunch . It was after 1 : 00 p . m . by now . And then I had to go to work . I got to work around 3 : 00 p . m . and worked until 8 : 00 p . m . It was extremely busy ! Needless to say I did not feel like cooking dinner tonight . I was going to stop at Old English and get a couple of steak sandwiches , but then thought about stopping at Wawa and getting a turkey bowl . They sell them for only six weeks during the end of October and the month of November . It is mashed potatoes , stuffing , sliced turkey , gravy and cranberry sauce . So good . So I surprised Joe by bringing home two bowls . Of course immediately after eating I fell asleep . Any guesses why ? That is why it is now 2 : 30 a . m . and I am writing my post now . I know today is going to be less stressful . I am working at Fishtown today so it will be an easy day . Next week my friend Debbie is starting a new job with the library . Congrats Deb ! And she will be working at Fishtown ! Unfortunately we probably will not be working the same day . They usually don 't call in the part timers when they have extra people from Richmond on Fridays . Now on to the photo challenge . The topic today is " The View From Here . " I really wasn 't sure what to do for this , then decided I would show you the view from here - - my home ! This is the view out of the front window . ( And I 'm not showing you shots of huge snowstorms . I have loads of those pictures , but I 'm not thinking about snow just yet . ) I love sitting out here talking with friends or reading a book . Or even eating breakfast at the table . It may look like a small yard , but it is a good size for the city . Most people do not have this much land . It was tough getting up today . I kept falling back to sleep . As a result I was 1 / 2 hour late getting to work . * sigh * It was another busy day . Is there a day that isn 't busy ? I 'm working on a special project for my boss and it is coming along so well . He even complimented me on it today . That 's great ! His compliments are few and far between . It has been raining quite a bit here today . We need it though so I can 't complain . It 's chilly too . I guess autumn is really here and summer is gone until next year . I love the summer and so that brings me to today 's photo challenge : a favorite place . My favorite place is Ocean City , New Jersey . I love being on the beach . I love watching the ocean . I love the whole shore mentality . I am hoping that some day I can live down the shore . That would be a dream come true . So here are some pictures of my favorite place . I got up very early today and tried to get a lot of things done before I had to leave for Bible Study . It backfired on me , though , because I fell asleep again before I was finished getting ready . When I woke up it was late and I rushed to get there in time . I just made it . Today 's photo challenge has the topic of calm . There were many things that ran through my mind . I went through my photos for over an hour trying to piece something together . Finally I decided on this . I think when the sun is just setting , dusk is just starting and the comforts of home beckon after a long day at work is one of the calmest times of the entire day . This picture was taken as I came out of work one day . The sunlight was perfect and I just had to capture it . You can see the skyscrapers of Center City in the background . If I would drive a few miles in that direction , there would be lots of noise and traffic . My drive a few miles in the opposite direction brings me to the peace and quiet of my home . Today at work was pretty bad . One lady screamed at me that I always had it in for her , was always nasty to her and lied about her all the time . Is it a full moon ? So let 's get right to today 's photo challenge . The topic was 4 o ' clock . I didn 't know what to do with this except photograph the clock at work . When I read Bevy and Kaitlin 's entries , they also photographed clocks . I guess that was the thing to do . Four o ' clock used to be the " witching hour " at work - - that last hour before we got out of work . Now that our hours have been changed and we don 't get out until six it is just another hour . But still , when we see it we know the time is short . On our late days , however , it is just another hour . It is actually Bob 's lunch hour . Diane gets 5 o ' clock dinner and I get 6 o ' clock . So it 's two hours until dinner for me and then working until 8 p . m . I 'm not feeling too well today . Decided to skip church , but took Joe over . When I went back to get him , church was still going on so I sat in the back and listened to the last 10 minutes of the message . Of course Joe wanted to talk to people so I was there about 30 minutes before we left . I am anxious to see how my blood test came out . I am supposed to get the results either tomorrow or Tuesday . Then my medication will be changed again . Didn 't do much today except sleep . Guess that 's what I needed . But I really wanted to get some things done . Nothing ever gets done in the house because I am always asleep . I have been told that being so tired is part of my thyroid not working correctly . I hope that the medication can be sorted out so that I can get some energy . Today 's photo challenge is letters . I really didn 't have a clue what to photograph . I thought of pulling out some letters I have kept over the years . I thought of drawing a big " K " on a piece of paper . Nothing really appealed to me . Tonight when I was making dinner I looked around the kitchen and saw it was full of letters . Here 's some of them for you . Here are the letters I use the most - - my cookbooks . These are just a few of the many cookbooks I have . Believe it or not I use most of them a lot ! Sometimes I just read them . Yes , I am one of those people who read cookbooks . I 'm not doing so good these days keeping up with the photo challenge . Now that I 'm back to work I 'm exhausted and keep falling asleep before I write my post . So let 's just pretend that this is Saturday , OK ? OK ! It was my Saturday to work . I was surprised because it was so quiet . I got quite a lot done . Most of the jobs I do are ongoing , but a few I can actually cross off of my list when I am finished and I got some of those done . That 's nice to make the list a little shorter . Joe is in quite a bit of pain these days . His back gets worse and worse . He has an appointment with his doctor on November 11th and is hoping to hold out until then . He finally had gotten to sleep when I left for work so I didn 't even wake him up to say goodbye . Poor guy . I wanted to get to the farm and since it is right near where I work , I ran there at lunch time . And that really brings me to my photo challenge for today . The farm always makes me smile . Besides getting away from work and doing something that I really enjoy doing , I love getting the fresh veggies and talking to the fantastic people who work there . So here are some pictures of the farm . I meant to take lots of shots , but my arms and hands were full of produce and I had trouble getting to my camera . So I 've added some older pictures of the farm too . The fall decorations are very similar to what they did this year . I didn 't do the fish on Friday after all . We had chicken salad sandwiches that were amazingly good . So Saturday night we had poached salmon , Brussels sprouts and mashed purple fingerling potatoes . Everything was so good . I am so enjoying my day off today and not being sick . Well , not much anyway . Still blowing my nose and coughing some , but compared to the last two weeks , this is nothing . Joe got up with me this morning and we ran some errands . We went to the post office , the bank and then ended up to our newly opened Wawa . Our local Wawa market closed a month ago for renovation and I have REALLY missed it . There was nowhere around here to go to an ATM or get a good hoagie . And it being on my way to work I often stopped off there to get lunch . I am so HAPPY they are open again . Today was the first day they had reopened . I knew it was going to be soon when I passed it on the way home last night and saw through the construction fence that the lights were on and it was almost done inside . Joe and I were really impressed . The old - fashioned little corner store has come into the 21st century . Everything is rearranged into logical sections . Instead of rows and rows of shelves , there are now little islands with chips , with salads , with baked goods . There were new cold areas with the sodas , iced tea , ice cream , etc . And a new coffee station . What was really cool was a new machine with pumpkin coffee , hot chocolate , decaf coffee , lattes and hot water if you wanted tea . Apparently it changes what it serves with each season because the sign on it said , " Your fall favorites " . So , of course , when I saw the case full of fruit I knew what picture I had to take for today 's photo challenge . I pulled out my phone so it didn 't look too obvious taking the picture . I 'm hoping to take more pictures of this beautiful store to show you . So I 'm off to do more laundry and make a nice poached salmon for dinner . After I take a nap that is . It 's been a nice day . I am tired so this is going to be very short . I woke up at 3 : 30 a . m . and couldn 't go back to sleep . I was so afraid I wouldn 't wake up in time to get Joe to the hospital . He had an appointment for an MRI at 8 : 00 a . m . and we had to leave the house at 6 : 30 a . m . to get him there in time . He had to get there early so they could get him all set up . Driving 20 miles in the dark on a couple of major highways was not my idea of a good time first thing in the morning , but we got there fine . Then I was stuck in rush hour traffic all the way back home . Yes , rush hour starts around 7 : 00 a . m . here in Philly . The highways are all like a parking lot . It took me so long to get home . I had a doctor 's appointment this morning also to have my blood test . I get one every three months to monitor my drugs . I will know the results by Tuesday at the latest . I had to take an early lunch to go pick up Joe from the hospital . I was 15 minutes late getting back to work , but my boss said not to worry about it . It was busy today too , so that was nice of him . Today would be my mother 's 83rd birthday . I miss her so much . She was not only my mom , but my best friend . We spent a lot of time together . I 've been sad all day . But I know she is in heaven and so much better off than she would ever be on earth . Here is a picture of her in her younger years . I think she was about 18 in this picture . Everyone says I look exactly like her . Today 's photo challenge topic is " Something You Wrote . " I have had quite a few of my articles published and I looked all over to find one to photograph for you , but no luck . I know they are in the house somewhere . So maybe later . Instead I took a picture of my list for today . I am a great believer in lists . I make one just about every day . It helps me to remember and put my day in some kind of order . It also gives me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day to see things crossed off . I find that I tend to do nothing if I don 't have a list . Does anyone else make lists ? That 's all I can write , folks , because I am literally falling asleep here . I know I will sleep good tonight . I have off from work tomorrow since I am working on Saturday . I 'm looking forward to it . Yesterday Stephanie , the dietician from Shop Rite , did her third presentation in the series " Cooking Through The Alphabet . " I always love when Stephanie comes . Besides getting off from work to attend the session , I learn a lot and she makes wonderful things to eat . Did you know two cups of chickpeas provides your daily recommended amount of fiber ? It 's recommended that we consume 3 cups of legumes a week - - this would include chickpeas and other beans such as black , pinto , or kidney beans . That means about one 1 / 2 cup serving a day ! Today at work we had another visit from Stephanie , the dietician at Shop Rite . She did C is for Chickpeas from her cooking through the alphabet series . I will do a separate post for that soon . She , as usual , was really good . Joe was going to go but didn 't sleep the night before so stayed home in bed . Our friend , Jim , from church came though and seemed to like it . She made hummus for us and it was good . I got a lot done at work today and am very slowly whittling down my to do list . I write on my calendar each day the things I have to do and work through them . I got about 7 things done today out of the 18 I have to do . It doesn 't sound like much , but a couple of days ago I had time to do only 3 . Today 's topic in the photo challenge is " a mess " . Take a photo of any room of my house and you will see a mess . I don 't know how the house got so bad but it is terrible . I am working on it though and hopefully by Christmas will have things done . I usually don 't take pictures of my mess , but I did take one when we were getting our kitchen renovated . We had to pack up and move everything into the dining room . What a mess ! It began with me teaching Bible Study in the morning . We began the book of Jonah . God has been impressing this book on me so much lately that I felt as if I just had to teach it . I 'm probably going to learn more than the other ladies . It usually happens that way . I had studied the lesson and felt prepared . But being Monday night I was so tired I decided to print out my notes and the handout on Tuesday morning . Well , Tuesday morning the printer decides it is out of ink and refuses to print . Anything . Any color . I tried changing the print to blue instead of black , but no luck . So I look up the lesson online on my Kindle and decide to take that over . That worked out just fine until I tried to go to page 2 . The wifi at church was turned off . So I was able to read the introduction with all the dates and background , but the lesson itself was nil . I just winged it . It came out OK , but I think I will go over it again next week with the proper questions . After that I went to work until 8 p . m . Being the day after a holiday you know it was busy . Way busy . By the time I got home , I was beat . Joe ordered a pizza which I really didn 't want . I am not a fan of pizza like he is . So I ate the half of my hoagie I had left from Sunday . I wanted to watch " 19 kids and Counting " which is probably my favorite show . I sat down to watch it , got through most of it , and fell asleep on the sofa . When I woke up , I just went right to bed instead of writing this post . So that 's my excuse and I 'm sticking with it . So Tuesday 's photo challenge was " Something You Made " . I had a hard time with this . I make lots of things . Do I show you my knitting ? Crocheting ? Cooking ? Cross - stitch ? Sewing ? What ? ? ? I finally decided to show you my Christmas afghan that I crocheted . One winter ( I guess about 10 or 12 years ago ) I decided to use up all the odds and ends in my yarn stash . I began crocheting a lot of ripple afghans . I made a green one , a purple one ( which Joe has claimed as his ) , a red one , a blue one , a multi - colored one ( with all the odds and ends ) and this red , white , and green one which I did buy some Christmas mix yarn for to make it for the holiday . Of course little Snowy has to be in the picture . She always wants to be near me . Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world . |
2 : I remember when I was eight years old Mother taught me how to cook Cream of Wheat . I was so excited to know how to do that . Every morning I asked if I could make Cream of Wheat for the family . Sometimes I even put the sugar in when I was cooking it because that 's what the directions said you could do . | One time we were somewhere and we ran out of gas . Daddy went to find some and Mother stayed with us . She sang songs with us and started a story and had each of us add to it . She did everything she could to keep us happy and keep us from being afraid . I remember her singing songs with us a lot , such as : My Hat it Has 3 Corners , The Wheels on the Bus , and when we were babies : Pattycake , There was a little House in the Middle of the Woods , Here 's a Ball for Baby , Rock - A - By - Baby . | One time Mother and some other lady , Grandma Knudsen maybe , took some kids , Tammi and I included , down to Mesa . On the way back the car overheated and broke down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere . We sat for awhile and cars went by but nobody stopped . Suddenly I had a great idea to wave a white Kleenex out the window . Sure enough , the next car stopped for us . I was pretty proud of myself , even though that 's probably not the only reason that the guy stopped . | I really enjoyed the trip Mother , Alexa , and I took to Nauvoo while I was living in Kansas . We had a wonderful time and had many special experiences while we were there , things that I will never forget . 3 : Memories of Mother | One time , I was driving with mom . She mentioned that someone had said , " When the prophet speaks , the debate is over . " I had always intended to go on a mission , but that statement touched me and I told mom , " The prophet has spoken . I 'm going on a mission . " | The main thing I remember about mom is being in the kitchen when she was discussing the gospel . I didn 't help with the cooking , but loved to hear her talk about things she had a strong testimony about . I remember mom and the sisters making bread on Saturdays . We always had fresh baked bread Saturday night . | Mother was a great teacher . She made sure she always taught her kids the gospel . She taught me how important it is to listen to and follow the prophet and apostles and that they are men of God and will never lead us astray . | It is because of Mother 's encouragement that I took Choir in junior high and high school and learned to sing alto and have enjoyed singing in the ward choir many years . I remember coming home from school one day when we lived in Pinon and Mother was playing some new records she had ordered through a record club . When she would sing along with them I asked her how she knew how to sing something different then what they were singing and that it sounded so pretty . She told me she was singing alto and that it was called harmonizing . 4 : One time when I was at BYU , mom came up and we went to a fireside . The speaker was one of her favorites . Towards the start of it , I said something to mom that made her laugh . After about 15 minutes , when she had composed herself , she asked , " Is my mascara running ? " I leaned over and asked , " Does the word ' Raccoon ' mean anything to you ? " That was good enough to cause her to laugh another 15 minutes . I love mom 's great sense of humor . She laughs easily and hearty . | One summer Debbie , Carla , Traci , and I all shared the attic for our bedroom . We wanted to move a couch from one side of the room to the other . At the time we had two sets of stairs , outside and inside the living room . For some reason , we decided that we could not move the couch without taking it down the outside staircase and then back up the inside staircase . We chose not to tell Craig about our plan until he helped us get the couch downstairs . Of course , when we told him that we needed him to help us take the couch up the other set of stairs he almost flipped his lid . There was a lot of loud yelling and complaining as we got the couch back up to the attic . Amidst all the arguing and cajoling , I went to tell Mother something . She was bedridden because of back pain and was in her room during all this . When I went in her room I saw that she was crying , so I snuck out and upstairs . I felt really sorry for her , thinking that her back was hurting her , so I told everyone that Mother was crying . This stopped all the arguing , and we all decided to check on her . When we went to ask her what was wrong , she told us that she had been laughing so hard while listening to our adventure that she was crying . That was a great experience ! | Pistol Packin ' Mama ! | I always loved Mother 's sense of humor , she would be sitting there reading and all of a sudden burst out laughing . | When we were living in Pinon , I asked Mother if I could start shaving my legs . Since I was only in fifth grade , she told me no . The reason I asked to start shaving was because the5 : I remember Saturday cleanings , making bread , learning to cook , hanging out laundry , learning to can food . Learning patriotism , Love of the Gospel , Love of Motherhood , Love of Music , etc . | I remember having lots of late night talks with Mother . Especially after becoming an adult . Whenever we would go home to visit or Mother would come to visit us , we would always stay up late and talk . | I remember when I was 12 years old and had the operation on my leg and I was in the hospital for about a week . Mom came to see me more than anyone else . She was working at the hospital at the time , and she would come see me before work in the mornings , after work in the evenings , and during her breaks during the day . She had a house full of kids at home , but she wanted to keep me from being alone as much as possible . I really appreciated that and will never forget it . Then , a few days after I got home we were going out to the car and I fell down . I was on crutches and had the long cast on my leg . When I was going down the steps I fell backward and tried to catch myself with my bad leg . It really hurt a lot and I got really shook up , but Mother kept me calm and comforted me until I was ready to try it again . 6 : I remember having to feed the calf in the middle of the winter when our hands froze to the bottle . I also remember needing to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night , but being too scared to go out to the outhouse . I also remember being in the outhouse when the Schofields were throwing rocks at it and unleashing unholy phrases upon us . | I remember hauling water , feeding ( then later eating ) the rabbits ( and sometimes other pets ) . I remember being scared of the turkeys and Debbie getting to have her picture taken with the turkeys and trying to decide whether to be jealous because she got the publicity or relieved because I was afraid of the turkeys and was embarrassed we were both in our play dresses . | I remember Mother taking me to my first day at Kindergarten . I was afraid and did not know anyone there , but she reassured me and stayed until I felt comfortable . | I remember mother laughing until she cried and now I do that too . | Watching Pink Panther movies | Jumping on furniture to ABBA | Diana bringing Michelle and Dusty to our house to watch Smurfs with me , early Saturday mornings . 7 : I remember once that Craig and Traci took me sledding in the snow down a hill , I think near Safeway . I was wearing galoshes that were too big , so I got a lot of snow and ice inside them and my feet were freezing . I kept crying , and they finally took me home . I remember Mother getting so mad at them for letting me get snow in my shoes and not bringing me home right away . She got me a warm bath and made sure I got warmed up right away . | Once when I was about 5 years old I forgot to meet Mother at Relief Society at the Church . They used to hold R . S . on Tuesday afternoons after school . When I made it home I realized where she was , and that I was all alone . So , I sat in the driveway for what seemed like an eternity until she got home . ( I don 't know why I didn 't play in the yard anywhere . ) When she got home she was so upset and told me she had been worried sick when I never showed up , and was very relieved that I was safe at home . | Mother always made the best fried chicken and roast beef ! I remember that those were Sunday dinners that we had often . | Anyone remember Tammi 's imaginary friend " No One " ? | I loved living in town and being able to walk places and get together with friends often . | Walking through stickers barefoot to get to Diana 's house . 8 : I remember sitting on the kitchen counters laughing and having spiritual discussions with Mother . I remember the night when we ran out of gas on a mountain in Colorado and tried to keep each other warm while we waited for our father to go get help . We had to sit on each others feet to keep from freezing to death . Our mother was very calm and tried to distract us by telling stories . | Mother , thank you for coming to my graduation from MSU - B . You have always encouraged me in my school work , and have shown me that you are proud of me . You have also given me a lot of emotional and financial support since my divorce . I can 't tell you how much it has all meant to me . You have helped me do things that I never could have otherwise . Thank you for paying for Carla to help me move out to Kansas , I really needed her help during that trip ! Thank you so much for everything ! I love you ! | Mom , I have always admired your love of Church Doctrine , reading and learning in general . You have always encouraged us to do our best in school and to learn everything we can . | When I was in second grade , one day I woke up and thought I was sick . I really didn 't feel that bad , but wanted to stay home from school . However , mom saw through me and told me to go to school . I decided that I 'd stay home anyway , but had to hide in the garage . I made the mistake of telling Traci , who told everyone at show - and - tell when she went to kindergarten . After a while , I got bored and went outside . I was in the back yard when mom came out looking for me . I jumped over the brick fence and hid on the other side . I heard her looking all over the back yard and saying that she knew I had stayed home from school . Finally , I jumped back over the fence . When mom saw me , she spanked me with her hand . Later , at school , the principal asked me if I had been spanked at home . Not wanting to get swats , I said , " Yes , with a big stick . " | One summer Cindy got a ride to go to Grandma Knudsen 's house . I really wanted to go but mother told me no . I begged , and begge9 : I was in eighth grade when we moved to Seattle . It was a huge adventure for us . We drove in the station wagon for four days . Diana and I played The Dating Game board game most of the way there . We rode in the back where our seats faced the back window . We stayed in motels every night which we thought was wonderful . Once when we stopped to get gas , Daddy bought us all Hershey bars . | I remember family trips to Utah , ( going to the zoo , Lagoon , Fruit Loops , ) Mesa ( the Bevels , dates , seeing Great Grandma and Grandpa Stradling and receiving a doll , ) Love of Reading , Home Movies . Taffy pulls . Going to the Movies ( The Allen , the Cameo and the Apache Drive - Inn ) | Going on a trip was always so exciting for me . One of my favorite parts of it was having Fruit Loops because it was the only time we got them . I remember going to Rexburg to visit Cindy when she was at college . She didn 't know we were coming up . When we got there we handed Bracken to one of her roommates who took him over to Cindy and asked , " Do you recognize this baby ? " Cindy came over to where we were , carrying Bracken , with tears streaming down her cheeks . | Mother always bought us Fruit Loops to eat dry when we were traveling and she would buy us Archie comic books to read on the way . | Once , when Traci and I were young , we were in the car while Mother ran in to the 7 - 2 - 11 , a convenience store . She was going to buy a paper , and we wanted her to get us a treat . She asked if we wanted candy or gum , but we couldn 't decide . We kept changing our minds , so she finally left . When she got back she had two suckers for us . At first , I was disappointed , until we realized that there was gum in the middle of the suckers . I thought she was a genius to find such a wonderful treat that had both candy and gum ! | driving to Utah in the summer | I remember going out to the hills and camping on the La Plata highway . It wasn 't too far away from our home , but it was a nice camping trip . | Our family trips mostly involved going to Provo or Mesa . It was fun visiting fa10 : When I was 4 or 5 years - old , I misbehaved ( believe it or not ) . Mom set out to spank me , but I ran around the outside of the house several times until she gave up . We had bushes and other things around the house that I could duck under , so I was a bit faster than she was . | One time Mother , Tammi and I were home alone . I walked into the bathroom and this big snake reared its ugly head as if it were about to attack me . I screamed and jumped back at the same time . Mother used a broomstick to guide the snake out of the house . | Weeding , Gardens , Mice , No bathroom , drinking from OJ cans , sleeping on the bunkbed . Spilling boiling hot water on my leg and getting a big blister on my thigh . Craig breaking his arm . In the other house , I remember the indoor staircase being made ( one errant nail hit me in the mouth ) and being able to share the attic with my sisters ! I also remember being woken up by the sound of birds chirping or Mother or Daddy telling us it was time to get up . I remember always getting up early and having breakfast ( oatmeal or cream of wheat on weekdays , pancakes on Saturdays , and cornflakes or shredded wheat on Sundays ) together as a family . | I remember sometimes the power would go out on La Plata Highway , and we would gather together as a family and listen to Mom and Dad tell stories from when they were growing up . We would have the light from the fireplace and candles , and it just felt so cozy . It was great to have those times without TV or anything else to distract us , just spending time together . | I remember Mother reading to us in the summer . I remember times we laughed til we cried . | At the first home on La Plata highway , I remember mom heating up water so we could take a bath in a metal tub . I also remember the outhouses . I hated going there after dark . 11 : When we lived at the first house on La Plata highway , I was only about 4 or 5 years - old . One time , after I 'd done something wrong , mom sent me outside to get a stick that she could spank me with . I went and found the largest log I could . It was so big that I could barely carry it in the house . However , my strategy worked and mom laughed out loud and didn 't spank me . | I remember when Mother and Daddy would go into town and leave us girls alone ; we would get our chores done really quickly so we could play . Sometimes , however , Debbie and I didn 't mind Cindy and Diana . When Mother and Daddy got home it was Diana and Cindy rather than Debbie and I that got punished for what we had done because they were left in charge . I remember feeling bad about that and making up my mind that I would behave next time so Cindy and Diana wouldn 't have to be punished for me . Next time Mother and Daddy left , I remember having so much fun . It wasn 't until they pulled up that I suddenly realized with horror , " Oh no , I forgot to be good ! " | Bracken and his ball and hose . Sleeping outside in sleeping bags . Brother Frost as Santa . I remember one time we were all in Cindy and Diana 's room and mother came in and was talking to us . She went over and grabbed a can of what she thought was hairspray and sprayed it all over her hair . She then found out it was actually aerosol deoderant ! She laughed and laughed about that . Actually , we all had a great laugh ! | After going away to Ricks College and then living in Provo for a while I decided to go back home . The family was now living back on LaPlata Highway in Grandma and Grandpa Walker 's old house . Diana and Dennis had just got engaged . Two months later Duane and I started dating and became engaged . That was about the time that I lived at Grandma Knudsen 's so that it was easier for Duane and me to see each other . | When I was 4 or 5 years - old , and living at the first house on La Plata highway , whenever I took a nap and woke up and heard mom talking to people in the front room , I would n12 : RESERVATION DAYS | I remember playing with Nada Jack and sliding on the big slide in Pinon . I remember Mother reading us ( herself ) to sleep , then us sneaking outside to play . One time we saw a snake and I remember thinking that perhaps it wasn 't the best idea for us to be out unsupervised . | One time the whole family went to Farmington except Cindy and I . The first thing we did when the car was out of sight was make bacon the way we like it , barely done . | Working and living at Bitahochee was a stressful time for mom . I remember her saying many times that we were almost broke . However , mom and dad were able to pay for my mission . I will always be grateful for that . | When we lived at Bitahochee , one time mom was speeding into town ( I know that surprises some of you ) and a policeman pulled her over . He saw her and said , " I caught the trader . " I don 't think he gave her a ticket . | Renae and Kerri , along with Michelle and Dusty got to stay with Mother and Daddy at Bitahochee for a week or so . That was a dream come true to a child to live right above a store where you could just walk down the stairs and get ice cream , candy , and all sorts of things without even having to pay for them . | Having to ride the bus 45 minutes each way to school . | Spending time with my two best friends - the red mountain and the green mountain with " my dog , George " by my side . Getting stuck on the top of the red mountain . Yelling for help until someone heard me and Craig coming up to rescue me . | Tammy almost being squished between a car and the house when Craig was teaching me how to drive a stick - I was in 5th or 6th grade . 13 : Oh yes , the good ole ' Res . We had a lot of fun climbing on the hill / mountain behind it . I 'm fairly certain that will be the only house I will ever live in that had a grave in the backyard . It was also really fun to be able to eat candy whenever I wanted it . Talk about every kid 's dream ! Of course , it wasn 't all fun and games … we were so isolated and I remember being so lonely and missing Diana and her family SO MUCH ! | When Diana and I were just little girls we lived at Black Mountain . One evening in the middle of the night , Mother and Daddy woke us up and took us to a Pow Wow to watch Yabachai dancers . | When we were living in Pinon , I asked Mother if I could start shaving my legs . Since I was only in fifth grade , she told me no . The reason I asked to start shaving was because the hair made my legs itch so much . I felt bad that I had to wait a few more years for my legs to stop itching . | When we lived in Pion , I remember the drunk Indians fighting in our backyard and slicing each other up . | There is no other experience quite like riding in the car as Mother would make the mad dash to the bank on Friday nights . Those reservation roads were really something else ! | Being shot in the leg with a BB gun . Playing dress up with Mothers fancy dresses . Sliding on the Spiral slide . Playing with Nada Jack . Eating push - ups ( the sherbet dessert ) . Being scared of some kind of dancers who were performing | I remember having family toasts during FHE , and playing a lot of games . We had a lot of board games while growing up , so we could play and have fun with each other . I think that helped us grow closer together . | Going to Chilchinbeto weighing 60 pounds and coming home weighing 82 pounds after 2 weeks - lots of candy . | Leaving at 6 : 00 p . m . to see a movie that started at 6 : 00 p . m . 14 : I really enjoyed the trip Mother and I took to help Debbie when she had Joseph . It was the first time that I remember really having Mom all to myself for an extended period of time . We talked all the way up and back , and I felt a lot closer to her when we returned back home . | I used to love to go to Paradise Valley near our house on La Plata Highway . We would sometimes go on picnics there , and I think we even camped out there a couple of times . I also really enjoyed going fishing at Jackson Lake . | I also remember mother always telling us to wake up and look at the pretty scenery , which was pretty hard to do since I was always drugged with Dramamine . The scenery was pretty , when I was coherent enough to look at it . | I remember on our trip to Seattle sitting in the back of the station wagon eating froot loops , and being so excited about having froot loops , even though I threw them up later , which is probably why they drugged me with Dramamine . | One thing I remember about our family vacations , we always tried to go by a temple . This helped me to develop a love for the temple . | When I was sixteen , Mother and Daddy took Diana and I to Mesa ( they might have taken the whole family , but I don 't remember anyone else going ) to get our patriarchal blessings from Great Grandpa Stradling . Great Grandma Stradling gave us each one of her dolls . | I remember Mother ditching church to take me to a Cowboys v Cardinals game . | I really enjoyed the trip Mother , Alexa , and I took to Nauvoo while I was living in Kansas . We had a wonderful time and had many special experiences while we were there , things that I will never forget . | I remember going to southern Colorado for picnics . I always loved how beautiful it was there . 15 : When we lived in Seattle we got to go to the zoo . We all had to go the bathroom and so Daddy was sitting on a bench in front of the bathroom waiting for us . When we came out we couldn 't see him ( even though he was in plain sight ) and so we all walked around for a long time trying to find him and then walked around the zoo for a couple of hours . Finally we went to the car and after a while Daddy came out and found us . He hadn 't seen us come out of the restroom and had waited a long time for us and then walked all over trying to find the rest of us and checked the car periodically . | Mother used to baby sit a couple of girls during the summer months that Traci and I would play with . I remember that we always hated to take a nap because we were having too much fun playing . One day we kept complaining until Mom told us not to leave the room until we had our nap . Traci came up with a plan to wait a little while in the room and mess up our hair so that it looked like we had been sleeping . When we thought it was safe we came to Mother and told her we were finished . She took one look at us and started laughing , but she let us go out and play . We couldn 't figure out how she saw through our brilliant plan ! | Summer Memories | Summer Fun ! | We got to go to the library every week or two when we went into town and check out books . I loved that ! | Some of my most favorite summer memories were of when we lived in Colorado . We were free to run wherever we wanted to . I remember running through the grass and the wild flowers . I remember one time Cindy and some of the other kids were out in the garage playing around and we saw a snake . We were so scared and we grabbed the other children and climbed up on some barrels and screamed at the top of our lungs . We stayed up there for what seemed like hours until the snake finally slithered away and we jumped down and ran to the house . | Laying in the sprinklers until I was burnt | I remember one summer when Mother would read to us every afternoon . I think we read Charlotte 's W16 : When we moved to Seattle Mother was just barely pregnant with Traci . She didn 't want Grandma Walker to know because she had just previously been working at Woolworths and she didn 't want Grandma to say the same thing she had always said before , which was : " Geraldine always gets pregnant when she works at Woolworths . So after we had been there a while , Daddy was taking a picture of all of us to send to Grandma . Mother made sure she was standing in back of all of us kids so that Grandma wouldn 't see that she was pregnant . | When Bracken was born and Daddy called to say he was a boy ( back in the days before ultrasounds ) all of us kids were so excited that we were all jumping on the furniture . A few days later Daddy took us all down to the hospital and Craig , Tammi , and I were too young to go in so we had to sit in the car for what seemed like hours . We kept honking the horn and yelling " Hold the baby up to the window " , which I 'm sure was pleasant for the other patients . We thought Bracken was crawling around on the floor of the hospital room . Later the rest of the family came out , except Mother of course , and a nurse held Bracken up to the window so we could see him . I was unaware of his blood problem and was so disappointed when Mother came home without him . After he came home Mother commented that nobody else got up with him in the night so that night I woke up when he cried and got up with her . She sent me right back to bed . I was six and it was a school night so I couldn 't figure out why I couldn 't stay up . | One glorious day , Bracken was bestowed upon us . We thought he was the cutest baby in the whole wide world . We all thought he was going to be a general authority , what a laugh . | We were living on LaPlata Drive when I graduated from High School . Several months later Bracken was born . I was so excited for him to come home from the hospital and when I came home from work that day , Mother and Daddy had just come home from the hospital and looked so sad . They didn 't have the baby and I kn17 : We were so excited when we got our first brother ! Mother and Daddy took us all into town to the hospital in the middle of the night when mother was in labor . They had a bed made in the back of the Scout and us four girls all slept there while Mother and Daddy were in the hospital . Daddy would come check on us periodically . Finally Daddy came out and told us that Mother had had the baby . We asked him what it was and he said , " It 's a Craig ! " | I remember when Bracken was born . I was so excited and thought he was the cutest baby ever . As soon as he made a peep we would all rush to his crib and fight over who got to hold him . I even remember crying one time because I thought it was my turn and someone else held him . | I remember having a say in what the new baby would be named . How fun it was to have a new baby in the house . I also remember when Julie was born , I was able to go to the mortuary with Grandma Knudsen and Nancy and help dress her . That was very important to me . | I 'll never forget when Craig was born ; we had to go a long way to the hospital . Our parents didn 't have anyone to leave us with so we stayed out in the car while they went into the hospital . We had a great time playing that there were mean people coming to get us . We would hide under the blankets , and we got to stay up as long as we wanted . We were so excited to FINALLY have a brother , but the best part was that we didn 't have to go to school the next day . Back then , there was no Obama to write a note excusing us from school . | When Tammi was born , mom had to stay in the hospital several days . Daddy took us to the outside of the hospital . Mom 's room had a window at it and she held up Tammi so we could see her and mom . 18 : Weddings | From the very first time she met Athan , Mother made him feel welcome in our family . He always felt very close to her . | I remember the impression it made on me watching Diana & Cindy come out of the temple when they got married ( to their husbands that is ) . | Being a bridesmaid . Pushing Mother in a wheelchair at Traci 's wedding . One of my children spilling punch all over the tablecloth at Traci 's reception | I remember walking back and forth in front of the movie camera acting like I didn 't notice it was filming . This was when mom was trying to film the family at a wedding . 19 : The main thing I remember about Cindy , Diana , and even Debbie 's weddings is that the bride and groom got ALL the attention and nobody even seemed to care about me . How fair was that ? All the pictures and videos were of the happy couple , and Craig walking in front of the camera . Wasn 't I as attention worthy as the bride ? I remember being very crabby at the temple after each of their weddings . Sorry guys . | I remember going down to Mesa for Bracken 's wedding . We all packed into a borrowed suburban with no air conditioning . There were like 30 - 40 mph winds and it was only about 119 - 120 that day . I decided then and there I was going to do whatever I could to avoid going to hell . I remember rolling down the windows to get some air , but then it was just hot air blowing in . Which was better ? We did not know . Nobody did . | Duane , Kerri , and I drove to Mesa for Bracken 's wedding in our un - air - conditioned Datsun . The temperature that day just happened to be 121 degrees . We put a bag of ice in a garbage bag on the floor and put towels in it . As they got wet , we would hold them in front of the window for air conditioning . As we got into the city and had to just sit at the stop lights there of course was no breeze . So I just put the whole towel over my head . Duane was embarrassed , but I didn 't care . No one knew me there . | I admire Mother for going to Traci 's wedding in a wheelchair . Even though her back hurt so much , she did everything she could to make it . | I remember going to Bracken 's wedding in Hades when it was three million degrees . I remember all of us melting and going home with heat stroke . It was great . I hope someone else will do an August wedding in Mesa . 20 : Family Pets | I remember Mother beating the mice to death with a broom . I remember our pet skunk . And I remember Mother letting me get my own kitten when we lived in Seattle . I wondered how we could afford it . It was the first pet allowed in the house . I loved that cat and was so excited when she had kittens . When I learned we were moving back to Farmington , I was concerned about my cat and her kittens , but was assured we would take them with us . As we were leaving , I asked where my cat was and was told it was in the trailer . I was only in second grade , and didn 't think about my cat needing air , food , water ( or a litter box , for that matter ) on the multiple day trip . I pictured my cat and her kittens comfortably perched on a blanket on top of all our belongings . Imagine my dismay when , sometime after reaching Farmington , I asked where my cat was and I was told quite matter of factly that we had to leave her in Seattle ! The picture of the comfortable kitty perched on a blanket was immediately replaced by a picture of a starving mother cat trying to feed her starving babies . | I remember all of the mice living in our first LaPlata Highway house . One day we saw a group of baby mice in the corner . They needed to be killed but Traci was crying because they were just babies . I told her they were teenagers not babies , and then she was fine with it . ( She was quite wise for her tender age . ) | The Skunk Mother and Grandma Walker killed and buried , The baby mice Mother killed with a broom . Cuddles and Tiger ( the cats we had on Laplata Drive ) I remember one of Cuddles kittens got a hook stuck in her and Daddy had to get it out . Cuddles stood right beside her kitten trying to comfort it while he removed it . | I remember being forced by my sisters to kill three kittens that were sick . It was traumatic for me , but we felt ( at the time ) that it was for the best . I wonder if the kittens agreed . | I remember the dog we had in Colorado ( although not enough to recall its name apparently ) that got attacked by a mountain lion . We w21 : The pet I remember most in my early years is Dobie , the Doberman we got from Dan and Pat . Dobie was nice and fun , but the neighbors still shot him . I was sad . | One night , at the house on La Plata highway , one of our dogs gave birth on my bed while I slept . During the night , I would wake up every 15 minutes or so to a new puppy yelping . I didn 't get much sleep that night . | We had a dog named George at the trading post at Bitahochee . George loved biting your foot to get you to stop walking . It didn 't hurt most of the time . I remember mom laughing about it . | Snoopy and Bernard are the first pets I remember . I don 't actually remember them but I remember their names . We had a Shetland pony that I don 't remember . Also a baby skunk that we kept in a cage until we discovered it one morning with a hole in it 's stomach . There was my cat , Charlotte and her kittens , she was probably the prettiest calico cat I 've ever seen . I remember when we got Rowdy , in preparation for our move out to LaPlata Highway . Some of my friends and I were dipping our suckers in Rowdy 's water so he could taste them , too . We would put the sucker in Rowdy 's water and then back in our own mouths . Yum ! I also remember when our dog Mitzi had 9 or 10 puppies . I think some of them went on to become police dogs . Then there was poor Laddie who starved to death . And of course , Ralph , Nicky , George , and the sewer dog . Well , the sewer dog wasn 't really one of our pets , but I remember him just the same . | Mother paid for George to go to the vet several times when he was bitten by rattlesnakes and sprayed by porcupines . He was an expensive dog , but I appreciate her spending the money because we loved him so much . | George - contrary to what everyone else believes he was my dog | Breaking up Buster and George fighting with Mother whacking the dogs over the head with 2x4s . 22 : The Harry Belafonte record we would play to get the babies to sleep . Bedtime or Naptime stories such as " Barthalemew and the 1000 hats " , or " The three Bears " , " The Three Little Pigs " , " The Three Billy Goats Gruff " , the last three told from memory . As I grew older , I will never forget the late night long talks she had with us older girls . We talked about many things . These talks helped to forge my feelings for the gospel and the importance of Motherhood and they bonded us together . | Sweet Dreams . . . . | One night when we were living on La Plata Drive I woke up in the middle of the night to Cindy taking off all the sheets and telling me there were spiders everywhere , even in my hair ( to my dismay ) . 23 : One night when I was young I woke up to the sharp sting of a beetle on my leg . I started screaming and crying because it scared me and hurt a lot . Mother came in and explained to me what it was , and helped me look under all my covers and under the bed to make sure the bug was gone . Then , she helped me make my bed again and get back to sleep , even though I was scared to lie down again . | or night - time shenanigans ! | I remember sleeping on the floor at the house on La Plata and waking up the next morning and finding out there had been an earthquake . I slept through it . | Anyone remember that creepy dream / hallucination Mother had about the man in chains who pointed an arrow at her and then rose up into the attic where we girls were sleeping ? That scared me for a long time ! | I have fond memories of sharing a bedroom with my sisters in the attic . Oh what fun we had . 24 : The Christmas I got my first and only ever Barbie doll , she came in a doll case with a wardrobe of the most darling clothes hanging on little hangers . Mother had made all the clothes . I never saw her working on any of them and had no idea that was what I was getting for Christmas . I was in fourth grade that year and we were living in Sapinaro , Colorado . That was when Barbie dolls starting getting popular and girls played with them at an older age than they start now . My Barbie was a real classic ; she had the short hair bob and looked like she was about 40 years old . | Christmas trees were very important to mom . She would always comment on the tree and whether or not it held up to the other 's from previous years . As children , we would always get up as early as possible on Christmas morning . We always had several presents from Santa . Then we would unwrap the rest of the presents . | Every year Mother and Daddy would have a big fight while trying to set up the tree . We were always afraid that we wouldn 't have a tree that year but we always got one . It was sort of a family tradition right along with fudge and sugar cookies . | I remember sometimes waking up early on Christmas morning to see Mom and Dad still up , and they would say they were helping Santa get everything ready for the morning . Then , when we kids would wake up they always got as excited as we were . I know they did not get a lot of sleep , but they did everything they could to give us a nice Christmas . I remember the candy canes would magically appear on the tree on Christmas morning , which was always very cool . It seemed like we would often have breakfasts of scrambled eggs , bacon , juice , and toast that morning , and I still like to keep that tradition . Mother always made sure that we trimmed the tree together as a family and helped us put on the Nativity Story on Christmas Eve when we were younger . I remember one year I was really sick , and Mother made sure I was comfortable on the couch while everyone was opening presents . She was very concerned t25 : Cindy and I always got everything alike . My presents were always red or pink . Cindy 's were always blue . I remember one time when we lived on La Plata Drive mother sent me out to the garage to find some Christmas decorations . While I was looking I saw two books of remembrance , one red , one blue . I was so disappointed because I had no idea what to do with a book of remembrance . | I remember one Christmas where Mother had us make a list of what we wanted . She purchased and wrapped our presents and put them under the tree . One Sunday before Christmas , while Mother and Daddy were napping , I took out my list and sat under the tree shaking and feeling each present until I knew exactly what each one was . It was the first year I remember getting everything I wanted , but it was my worst Christmas because I wasn 't surprised at all . I 'm sure Mother wondered why I wasn 't happier when I got everything I asked for . | Daddy getting the tree from the mountains . Decorating the tree , especially the icicles . Getting up early and seeing what wonders Santa brought . Spending the day with the family . All the delicious baking and candy making . I also remember one Christmas when Mother made some dolls for Carla and I and didn 't have time to finish their clothes , but said she would later . She never got around to doing it since the Christmas rush was already over . | One of our Christmas when we lived on LaPlata Highway ( the house that later evolved into Merrill and Ellen 's house ) , Diana and I got black fishnet nylons and garter belts . That was before pantyhose were invented , and that was our first pair of nylons . | We always had an orange in the bottom of our stockings along with a toothbrush . Many times we got a little individual box of sweetened cereal … those were my favorite . We always got books for Christmas . One of my favorite stocking stuffers ever was a giant Sugar Daddy . I remember chewing on it while I read two of my Christmas books : Charlie 's Monument and The Bishop 's Horse Race . Mother made little clothes for our Chris26 : I remember Fried Chicken for Easter and going on picnics . Decorating eggs , The Easter Bunny . Doing our own fireworks for July 4th . Big feasts for Thanksgiving with relatives over . The year Carla and I made dinner when Mother was in the hospital . Playing games and staying up for New Years Day . | Mother always made us Easter dresses every year . We would also get new shoes . One Easter when Diana and I were young , Mother made us Easter dresses with beautiful pinafores . We got to wear them on an Easter egg hunt we went on out in some rocky countryside with Aunt Donna 's family and some other family members from the Walker side . | I remember going on picnics for Easter . It was usually cool weather . One year , I think we had to eat in the car because it was so cold . One year , we went up to Durango and had an Easter egg hunt at a park by a stream . | When I think of the 4th of July , it reminds me of Mom taking us to Brookside Park or Lions Park for the afternoon . We would have a ball playing , and it always seemed like such a treat . | I remember Mother making our Easter dresses every year . One year I wanted a patchwork maxi dress . They were the latest rage , but it was like making a quilt in long dress form . For some reason , Mother didn 't get it finished by Easter Morning ; however , those were the old days when we had sacrament meeting at night . So , I begged Mother to finish my dress in time to wear it then . She worked all afternoon , repeating the scripture ? / saying ? that for every stitch you stitched on Sunday you would have to remove 9 ( or so ) with your nose . I briefly pictured Mother doing that and wondered if it could be true , but finally decided I wanted my dress bad enough that it was worth it . Mother completed the dress in time . I thought it was beautiful and proudly wore it to sacrament meeting . | Chocolate bunnies are one of my favorite things to get on Easter . One year I ate everything else and saved my bunny for last , but while I was in the bathroom , Debbie ate my chocolate bunny . You still owe me a chocolate bu27 : I remember one birthday when we were still living in the house on La Plata drive , so maybe it was when I turned 5 . Somehow I had completely forgotten that our birthday was coming up . Craig and Traci woke me up that morning and told me it was our birthday . I did not believe them for a long time , it just seemed impossible that I did not know it was coming up . It was a Sunday , and Mother took me out for a walk in the backyard before church , just the two of us . I remember looking at the pretty flowers and just having a wonderful , peaceful feeling ; I really enjoyed having some alone time with Mom . It was a very pleasant morning , and I remember it as one of my favorite birthdays . It was such a sweet surprise to wake up and have a great day without having all the anticipation beforehand . | It seems like we always had extended family to share Thanksgiving with . I remember how much I LOVED Mother 's stuffing . I still miss having family around on Thanksgiving . | We always set off fireworks for the 4th of July . I especially loved the sparklers . I also remember going to Kanab one year . We had a lot of fun going to the town dinner and celebration and then running the tunnel in Zion 's park afterward . Yes , we were incredibly bright to do such a safe thing , especially at night . | Halloween costumes usually consisted of putting on a dress that was too big for me and going as a princess but one year I got really creative and decorated a paper bag . I remember getting some sarcastic comments about it from the houses I went to . | I remember going to visit graves on Memorial Day every year . Mother would always make a nice lunch and we would have a picnic in the mountains . It was sad to visit the graves , but we always spent the day together as a family , and I think we all grew closer on those days . | I always loved Mother 's Thanksgiving dinners , and I still think her stuffing is the best I have ever had . I would wake up late on Thanksgiving to the smell of turkey and stuffing baking . I did not realize at the time that Mother h28 : Infamous Walker Family Quotes | When Mother and Daddy were living in Holbrook and I had brought the kids down for a visit , Daddy was having a " low blood sugar or diabetic " moment and wasn 't making a lot of sense . He told the grandkids that he was going to tell them a story , but first he needed one of them to bring him a cold glass of tall water . | " I don 't have any hands left " … Bracken ( After the earthquake when he was holding both parent 's hand and was told to eat his dinner ) | " Squish me popcorn " ( Bracken as a toddler going around behind us in our chairs as we sat at the table . ) | " I was staring ! " ( Tammi ) | " I need to get organized and start a filing system . " ( Debbie said this hundreds of times when she returned from her mission . ) | Damn the damn flies anyway ! ( Oh wait a minute , that was a Knudsen quote . ) 29 : When things have outlived their usefulness , we eat them . You 'd better do your chores now . | Yes , fish is protein . ( This involved me , Traci , Mother , Dad , and Bracken . Traci and I were talking , and she said something that I misunderstood , and I made a nonsensical reply . Just then , Bracken came up and misunderstood what I said and made another reply . Then , Dad misunderstood what Bracken said and made a reply to that . Finally , Mother misunderstood what Dad said and replied " Yes , fish is protein . " By this time , Traci and I were rolling on the floor laughing , quite literally . After we explained the whole sequence of events , we all had a good laugh for pretty much the rest of the evening . I really wish we had written down everything that was said ! ) | " It seems kind of funny to be going sledding without any shoes but with only plastic bags " | " You 're too young to have a reLATIONship ! " ( Mother to me on MANY occasions ) | " Nobody has ever been known to be productive in their pajamas , so get dressed ! | How will we find our way back home ? | Hey , you didn 't seriously expect to keep those rabbits as pets forever , did you ? | " Use your head for something other than a hat rack " | " Whatever blows your skirt up " | " Bye , bye fathead ! " | " Sure is pretty " | " Let 's rock Mother until she 's sick ! " |
I am now sitting at work waiting for the last 15 minutes of work to be over . As bad as it got some days ( especially when my Work - Husband found out I was leaving ) , I enjoyed working here . My co - workers were warm , caring and supportive ( especially through the crazy health crisis in the last couple of years and during the unemployment ) . At the worse , they even " adopted " our family during Christmas time , to make sure that the kids had presents under the tree . I didn 't know how much of an impact I had on those around me until my good - bye reception this afternoon . How wonderful to see all those people there . And the loot ! They love me ! I got tons of hugs and someone even cried . I am glad that my parents will stay in the area . I actually look forward to a new chapter in my life , but I am glad that it was based on this wonderful time . Posted by Growing up in Puerto Rico , we swooned to the cuteness of the Menudo boys . We would fight over our favorites and would " assign " each other the group members . We made plans to find them , make them fall in love with our wonderfulness , marry them and be the envy of all the girls of the WORLD ! I can tell you that yesterday , a lot of worlds were crushed and a lot of worlds were jubilant . When Ricky Martin announced that he was gay , I am pretty sure that not a lot of people were surprised . Actually , I don 't think anyone really was . We were all in the know without him saying anything . Still , the announcement cemented that knowledge and all the girls ' hearts died a little . I am sure that there are a lot of men out there that gave each other high - fives yesterday : the ones that will say every day to their in - denial - wives / girlfriends " I told you so ! " and the ones that have been dreaming all this time about finding him , make him fall in love and marry him and be the envy of all the girls / homosexual men in the WORLD ! Still , at least we can all enjoy the eye candy … Right ? As my quick post explained yesterday , we are now in full transition mode . We are in the process of relocating and that means that most of the furniture is out of the current home and since I still have some days at work , Mini - me and I are staying at my parents ' home . Here are some things I have learned so far : 1 ) When you stay at your parents ' house , you are not on the top of the food chain anymore . You are not even close to the top . They go first , then the kids , then you . 2 ) When at your parents ' house , you seem to lose any ability to raise your children properly , even if you are doing EXACTLY what was done to you . If you correct , you are too harsh . If you don 't , then you get THE LOOK . It takes your children . 3 seconds how to play the system . Can you say ice cream for dessert … before dinner ? 3 ) If it takes your children . 3 seconds to learn how to play the system , it takes them . 1 second to realize that your parents are the boss of you . Take that time and cut it in half if the child is as smart as Mini - me . If your child smiles at the moment of realization , you can now expect a direct correlation to the times that they system will be played against you . 4 ) When at your parents ' house , you don 't get to watch your favorite shows on TV - you don 't even get to hold the remote . 5 ) If you decide to do something else other than watch TV with them , you might be the recipient of a guilt trip , including " Puppy dog " eyes … 6 ) When at your parents ' house , you get to sleep in a tiny guest bedroom . The sewing room / plant / junk room is bigger than yours . You might be lucky if you get some space in the closet , but don 't count on it . 7 ) You don 't have privacy from your children . EVER . Since they are sharing the tiny guest bedroom with you . 8 ) You might be told to buy food for you and your children , since you might not like what the eat ( even though you and your children eat there all the time ) . When unpacking the groceries , you might be informed of the menu during your stay ( which includes what you will be eating ) and none of it includes ANY of the stuff you just bought . 9 ) They cook for you . It 's been a couple of stressful days . With the move and all the packing and then having two households it is hard for me to keep the migraine at bay . It is amazing how having two jobs doesn 't help to cover two homes . No wonder this is the life of the rich and famous only . . . and we are neither . It 's official . My husband and I are sick , sick people . There is no cure for us . Please tell our children we love them . We are devastated by the realization that once we move out of our home this weekend , we will have to leave behind one of our most treasured and loved family members : Lucille . Who is Lucille , you ask ? Only the most wonderful , beautiful , reliable , dependable … . Stove . Lucille is my Electrolux Dual - Fuel , Double oven , stove . She is more than a stove . She is - well , Lucille . I named her after Lucille Ball , because every day , since she was delivered I walk into our home through the garage , into the kitchen , and I see her there , gleaming and welcoming , and I can 't help but to yell … Lucy , I 'm home ! Lucille is everything a cook / baker like Sunshine and I ever wanted . She has two electric ovens and a gas stovetop . You access the controls by touching a screen , and the controls light up and chime " Ding ! " . It 's your own Star Trek Enterprise control board . Her oven racks are mounted on ball - bearings , so when you have a heavy turkey or when you are making a flan and you cannot have water fall into the pan , there is no jerkiness pulling the item out . She dries out herbs . She can even jerk meat ( not that we ever did that ) . She truly is remarkable . Pricey , but remarkable . We saved our pennies for her … and now she must stay behind . She is my Preciousssss …… S : I made one on Monday that turned out good . It is the absence of Lucile in the mix … . I think I have got a good relationship with the new appliance and am producing better product now … . LW : I don 't know … Who said we are not a match made in heaven . Anyone who can take time off their day to have THAT conversation with me , is MY kind of man ! Do you have an inanimate item that you love ? ? ? As Easter approaches , I am always in awe of the great sacrifice that was paid for my Salvation . I am not usually one to preach or be too open about her faith ( as a matter of fact , I will only talk about the Wonders that God has done in my life when people ask me ) , but Easter seems to be different . This time and Christmas time remind me that Jesus was a man . That he had a mother . That she worried about Him the same way I worry about my kids . I wonder what she was thinking when He was going through His tribulations and how many sleepless nights she spent worrying and crying for his safety and sake , even though he was doing everything for ours . In all His glory , he started small . Gained a space in her heart first , then to gain ours . Here is an image that I treasure . I just wanted to share . I just hope I always have space for Him . Spring was here . I swear . I have flowers to prove it . And you had to come and ruin it for me . I knew it would be overcast and that was OK . I knew that it wouldn 't be warm and that was OK . Spring came around . The calendar said so . The pagan people in Asheville said so . Easter is next week . Some birds were trying to eat my newly planted garden looking for nest material . You were out . But NOOOOO , you had to come back today . Like that garlic roll that I had at lunch and I can still taste 5 hours later . I can take the cold , the overcast day , but for you to come back and make it SNOW today . And an inch of top of that ! That 's was just cruel and unfair . To me , it was as if you lifted your cold dress ( yea , I called it a dress , not a tunic ) , turned around and mooned me . Your cold , Old Man Winter . After all those posts where I defended you and snow and how much I love it . I don 't care if you dump 30 inches of that crap in December . But today was one inch too many . I don 't care that it didn 't stick . See if I care next year . I hate you and my tulips hate you . Enough said . So I did what every person in the area is doing today and prepared our boxed garden . Some people around here have gardens so big that they use tractors and tillers . . . and that 's their backyard garden ! We are selling our home and are moving from the house in 2 weeks , but I can 't leave the garden the way it is , so . . . I did what any normal person would do . I went to the garden center . . . Before long , my hands were looking like this : Love it ! There is something about dirt . To me it looks better than my rings ( but not by much . Diamonds ARE pretty , after all , and they ARE a refined type of dirt ) . So after spending several hours outside ( Mini - me was with me for a couple of them - he also LOVES to garden ) , I dragged my feet inside , just to grab some water and sit back in the sun , just to find this : I know that I started this blog with grand illusions of being as witty as all the women whose blogs I follow . My life lately has not given me many opportunities to do so . I am trying to see the funny in all of it , and sometimes I can , but then there are days like yesterday . Skywalker and I have a complicated relationship . After I almost lost him , it was hard for me to bond with him for a long time . Sunshine on the other hand , embraced parenthood in a way that I have only seen my father do . He adores his children . Skywalker and Sunshine have always been peas in a pod . I remember picking up Skywalker at daycare when he was a couple of years old , seeing him run up to me at full speed , just to short stop and say : " Where 's Papa ? " It seems that as easy as it is for me to communicate and understand Mini - me , with Skywalker I find myself faced with someone whose language I just don 't understand . Many times Sunshine has had to explain to me what is going on . As a first born boy , I do know that I am more stern with him . He is extremely intelligent but also very immature , which makes me want to knock my head against the wall . Usually Sunshine is my pressure cooker valve . You know , when I get very negative with Skywalker , or if I get very critical with him , or if I pick on him , Sunshine will point it out to me . I do the same thing between him and Mini - me . Now that Sunshine is away during the week , I have had to deal with the boys all by myself . Needless to say , there isn 't enough time in the day to get everything done before bedtime , so the schedule is tight . There hasn 't been a lot of time for cartoons or videogames at our house . Given the nature of my relationship with Skywalker ( which , in case you haven 't noticed , I love with every fiber of my being ) , I have been especially careful of my tone and the things I say to him . I thought that all was working rather well until last Tuesday , when he came home with magnets from a science class . These magnets had been stolen by another boy in another grade and ended up in the possession of my child , who thought that they were " cool " . Now , Sunshine and I have had a couple of talks with Skywalker about coming home with toys that are not his . He can sweet - talk a bear out of the last bit of honey in the forest . So … needless to say , he got into a heap of trouble when he came home with stolen goods . A HEAP . Then , he got in trouble again on Wednesday . This time for lying . I sent him to his room after dinner . Last night , he lied to me again . When I asked him if he was getting in trouble on purpose , his answer was " Yes " . In total disbelief I asked him why . His response was that he wanted to be in his room . When we got home , I immediately called my interpreter ( Sunshine ) and asked him to talk to Skywalker and tell me what was going on . Skywalker told Sunshine that he was getting in trouble on purpose because getting sent to his room was safer than being around me . That he was afraid of me . Afraid . Ladies , you could 've knocked me down with a feather , but you wouldn 't have to , because I choked and had the wind knocked out of me . Sunshine told me to wait a bit and then go talk to the child and get to the bottom of the issue . So I did . After putting Mini - me to bed , I went to Skywalker 's room and sat as far away as possible so he didn 't feel threatened by me . I spoke softly looked at him in the eye . Turns out , that he said that he was afraid of me , because he knows that when he gets in trouble , I make him suffer consequences . He is afraid of what I will do to him . He didn 't want to go to jail for stealing . Remember that Cosby Show scene where Theo gives this speech on how his father needs to accept him the way he is and not try to change him and then Bill says : " Theo , that is the STUPIDEST thing I 've ever heard ? " That 's was what was going through my mind as my child spoke . In a calm voice ( I was SO proud of myself ) I said : " So you are afraid of me because YOU STOLE something ? " He nodded . For he next hour we had a LONG heart to heart . I told him that his fear is healthy . How many times I DIDN ' T do something in fear of my mom and her wrath at home ? I explained to this boy , that fear was what I dealt with every night thinking that my son was stealing and lying . What would become of him if I couldn 't stop him ? I explained that people with no fear end up in jail or dead . And that there is also the Fear of God . Not " scared " fear , but RESPECT fear . I asked him if he was afraid of me when he came home late from his friends house . He said no . I asked him if he was afraid of me when he didn 't do his chores . He said no . I asked him , when are you afraid ? When I steal , disobey or lie to you . Many other things were said in this conversation . When he told me that he was afraid of going to jail and never seeing me or Sunshine or Mini - me again , he cried when I asked him how did he think WE would feel about not being able to see him either ? He was surprised when I told him that I cry over him when I don 't know what to do . He was shocked when I told him that I was afraid of dear , sweet Abuela . He seem to understand that every time he leaves the house , I can 't go with him and make sure that he does the right thing , BUT , if the fear ofPosted by Ah , the bliss of being a single , working parent ! Sunshine left on Monday at the crack of dawn as he usually does ( thank goodness there are only a couple more of those left ) . We had been together all weekend long . I had taken two days off last week and spent it running errands like a mad woman . I tried to enroll Skywalker in his new school ( I 'm still mad about THAT incompetent school secretary , so I can 't write about it that - yet ) , so I returned to work yesterday ready to tackle this week . At about 2pm I received a call from Mini - me 's daycare . He had a fever of 102 , complained that his belly hurt and wouldn 't let anyone touch it . Yeah , you know EXACTLY what I thought . I left work early and found him , laying on his cot , looking miserable . Poor thing ! I approached him and as he looked at me he whispered : " Can I play my Nintendo DS when I get home ? " I knew that he would survive . I took him home and gave him some Motrin . He woke up twice last night asking for water . I considered bringing him to the bed with me , but I figured that being woken up a couple of times ( and every time I heard him move ) was better than getting kicked all night . Amazing how a mother 's ears work . Mini - me 's room is down the hall from mine , and still I could hear him talking in his sleep . While I slept . With the TV on . . . This morning , he still wasn 't feeling well , so I asked my parents to please take care of him so I could go to work . My mom volunteered to take him to work with her . ( Have I mentioned how much those two love each other ? ) Mini - me was at first disappointed that he couldn 't go to school ( let 's see how long THAT lasts ) but then was super excited about spending the day with his Abuela . When I picked him up , my mom told me that she had given him another dose of Motrin at 4 pm and he is still warm . I already had to call work and let them know that I can 't come in to work tomorrow . Of course he couldn 't get sick while I was off last week . Of course he couldn 't get sick over the weekend . Of course he doesn 't get sick when my dad hasn 't spent 1 week taking care of my nephews and is ready to give up grandchildren . Of course he doesn 't get sick on the days that my parents can help with him ( other than today ) . Of course . I 've been praying a lot . I am fortunate to believe and be able to pray not only to God and my Lord Jesus , but also His Blessed Mother . She understands what is like to worry about her boy and Her household . As part of my efforts to lead a healthier lifestyle , I am trying to get the children involved in some type of activity . In the past we have tried Little League , but since Sunshine is not much of a baseball fan , Skywalker found the bugs flying next to him on the left field more interesting than the actual game . Needless to say , it was a bust . I tried to engage him on trying another sport . His friends are into football and Sunshine was a football player in Middle School and some of High School , but once Skywalker saw how they get hit , the sport lost its appeal . Some of his other friends and his cousins are really into soccer , but when Skywalker saw all that running , he decided that this sport was also out . Last year , in my desperation to find something to get him engaged , we started him on swimming … and he was good ! Added plus : unless it is thundering outside , meets and classes are not cancelled ! ! ! His teacher said that he has a lot of potential and he enjoyed it ! Then , as he progressed through the classes , I found out that the swim team at the Y practices at 3 : 30 pm every day . I called the Y and inquired about it . Really ? 3 : 30 in the afternoon ? Who schedules practices at 3 : 30pm ? My son 's school bus doesn 't even drop him off in front of our house until 4pm ! And there is also the little issue of him having two working parents . His swimming future seemed to be evaporating … ( don 't like that pun ? How about : it was going down the drain ? Ok , ok , I 'll stop ) . I asked the coach how kids who had working parents made it to practice . Her response : carpool . Awesome , I said , but how do you know who is willing to carpool . Her response ? By coming to practice . After about 10 seconds of silence to see if she would catch the total lack of logic in her statement I hung up the phone disappointed . We had to take him out of swimming . Finally , someone with someone with some brains realized this issue and changed the swimming practices to different hours of the day . There are some that still start at 3 : 30 but there is another oToday we had our second session . The boys love it . Today Mini - me actually got over his fear of dunking his head under the water and he is starting to get the freestyle stroke - and it 's only his second lesson ! Skywalker is loving the time in the water . I am glad for him . I want him not only to be able to exercise his mind , but also his social skills , be part of a team . So I was a little taken aback when I heard him asked another child in his class if he wanted to be friends and the boy looked at him and flat out said : No . They had met 3 minutes ago and this was his response . Skywalker caught my eye and I tried to smile , but I think he was too embarrassed by the fact that I had witnessed this rejection , so he looked away . Geez , who taught THAT kid manners ? ? ? I understand that Skywalker doesn 't have to be friends with the entire world , but . . . As I sat there on the pool deck , re - living my childhood ( my brothers swam competitively but I didn 't so I sat by the pool MANY hours ) . I noticed several issues . First , there was a little girl ( maybe 8years old ) swimming around in the pool - never mind that there were 4 preschool swimming classes going on at the same time , this girl swam and dove , splashed in the preschoolers ' faces and interrupted the lessons by swimming into the instructors and kids , while her mother read a magazine . At one point , the lifeguard told her to please move to another section of the pool , but her mom told her not too because it was too deep . Now , I understand that this is the Y , but there are 23 preschoolers in the pool , taking classes , the lanes are reserved for this purpose and your daughter is being disruptive to the class I PAID for . Ok , so I took a deep breath and tried to enjoy watching Mini - me with his HUGE goggles " swim " around . Once Mini - me finished , it was Skywalker 's turn . As the classes ( now 5 classes with about 25 kids total ) progressed , more and more people were getting in the pool - to just stand and swim . Parents were coming with their little babies to splash around , older kids were playing around , and then , they had the nerve to get upset if water got splashed on their precious 5 month old ( who was not supposed to be there at that time in the first place ) or upset if they got smacked by a flailing swimming student , or completely ignored them and made the kids stop in the middle of their swimming strokes , so they could leisurely swim right across their path … it got so bad , that one of the instructors had to ask the lifeguard to blow her whistle and yelled at all these people to stay by the walls of the pool or exit the water as there were 5 simultaneous lessons going on . Three teenagers were actually " asked " to leave the pool . Order lasted about 10 minutes as other people entered the pool and not having heard this announcement started to get in the way . It was exasperating to watch . One of the culprits How about you ? What would you have done ? ? ? I have two wonderful sons . Beautiful sons . They make me laugh and at least one of them will make me head to the spot on the wall where I bang my head every day . I love the hugs , and playing UNO with them ( and all the " sportsmanship " that comes with the game in this house ) , but I love babies . When I was pregnant with Skywalker it was the worse experience ever . I had read the What to expect when you 're expecting book , but too me , being pregnant at that time was one hurdle over another . Morning sickness subsided to be replaced by swollen legs , which was replaced by body aches . . . I hated being pregnant . Then to top it off , I ended up with toxemia and spent 2 weeks in the hospital , on magnesium sulfate ( NASTY little bag of drugs ) just to give birth prematurely and go through a new set of mind - boggling craziness and emotional rollercoasters . A couple of years later I was told I couldn 't have any more kids . Something about secondary infertility . The news were given to my by my fertility doctor after 3 tries of artificial insemination . We went to talk to a lawyer about the possibility of adopting . It was hard . I packed up all my baby things , you know , the ones that I had been saving for 4 years and took them to Goodwill . After I unloaded the car , I sat in the parking lot crying for about 20 minutes . I let go . Two weeks later , I was pregnant with Mini - me . I swore right there and there that no matter what , I would ENJOY this pregnancy , because I knew that it would be my last . It was great . I was very high risk and even early in the process I told my OB that if something should happen , to make sure to to a tubal ligation . My body just could not handle another baby . He agreed . He admitted to not knowing how to talk to me about the need for such measures . Another baby would kill me . Mini - me was born full term and beautiful . I think that he is so much like me because he spent the entire time in there , with me being so positive about his development . He certainly took a better part of me with him . But , there is the other part . Sunshine and I still feel that we are missing something in our family . The thought of a girl still becomes convesations amongst us . We know that we are now just trying to get over the huge unemployment , change of location , change of job , getting out of debt again , selling the house adventure , but we had set the goal of considering adoption once Mini - me became five . That milestone is this October . Sunshine and I are believers that God will send blessings our way when we are ready for them . Mini - me was definitely the proof of that . Prior to the perfect timing of his coming , I wonder if our marriage would 've survived him or if I would 've appreciated him as much as I did . Then , I also think about how we are past the baby stage . Our boys are potty trained . They sleep the entire night . They can walk . They can eat by themselves . They can entertain themselves . The challenges are different . I sometimes babysit my 8 month old nephew and I am surprised about how hard it is . I believe that 's how we continue as a species . Mothers forget how hard it is to take care of babies . We just see the cuteness and then , WHAM ! you 're hooked . I am glad that after a couple of hours , I can return my nephew to my brother . I love babies , but they are exhausting . I absolutely LOVE seeing the recipes posted in all of your blogs ! Love the decadent recipes from Not Your Average Soccer Mom , and the healthy yummy sounding stuff that Too Many Hats posts in her blog . Not to be left behind , I am including here THE BEST Tres Leches cake you will EVER have . Let me warn you though : This cake is SUPER easy to make , hard to put down once you start and will RUIN you for ever . When you try other Tres Leches recipes at the latin restaurant that you go to ( you know , the one that you only go to because of the Tres Leches they serve ) or the one that your great - aunt Gertrude finally gave you the recipe for after you had to relinquish all claims to her 3 strings of pearls . . . you know what I mean . And if you don 't , try this cake . I dare you . P . S . : I refuse to be responsible for broken scales or marriages / relationships broken because your spouse or children TOUCHED your cake - or the fact that once you share this cake with your co - workers or friends , you will ALWAYS be assigned to bring this cake , which serves you right for sharing it in the first place . The Cake : Preheat oven to 350ºF . Separate the eggs . Beat the egg whites unti1 fluffy . Add the sugar gradually and mix well . Blend in the egg yolks , one at a time . Alternately blend in the milk , flour , and baking powder . Add the vanilla and blend well . Pour into a greased , square baking pan , and bake 45 minutes or until a knife inserted in the cake comes out clean . Remove the cake from the oven and pierce it with a fork , making little holes evenly over the surface . Set aside to cool . DON ' T TAKE IT OUT OF THE PAN . In a large bowl , mix condensed milk , evaporated milk , and vanilla extract until well blended . Slowly pour the mixture over the top of the cake . It will look like a lot , but believe me , it 'll fit . Beat whipping cream until stiff . Spread over cake . Slather the delicious white goodness all over the top . Open top button of your jeans . Eat , then fast for 30 days or so . Repeat . Yesterday I did something I hadn 't done in a loooong time : clean my wallet . If your wallet is anything like mine , Mary Poppin 's traveling bag has nothing on us : we can pull ANYTHING out of there . Once in a while I throw away old crap to make sure I have space for all the new phone numbers , cards and information that I will never call or use . During the exercise in organization I happened to find an FYE gift card . I have no idea how it got there nor when it got there . Sunshine checked on the Internet and I had the original $ 25 still available on it . SCORE ! Later that evening , we decided to go celebrate my job offer after Church . We went to Chili 's and had an amazing time as a family . The kids didn 't know why we were there because until I see the offer and actually accept it , I don 't want to get them excited ( in the case of Mini - me ) or totally bummed out ( in the case of Skywalker ) . God knows I can only go through that one time , so I am saving it for when it actually happens . During the conversation , Skywalker , who was sitting next to me , started talking about how he could win a race between the two of us . Having just completed a 5K not that long ago , the competitive streak attacked our table . Sunshine agreed that I would smoke the kid … Skywalker did not appreciate the challenge and all of a sudden I was agreeing to a race with my NINE YEAR OLD . We were to run down the street to my brother 's house , touch his mailbox and run back up the street to our house . First one to touch our mailbox wins the FYE card . From there on , there was nothing but smack talk between the two of us . " Skywalker , can you please go brush your teeth ? You know , so they are nice and clean when I beat you in the race tomorrow ! " and " Mom , do you know where my jacket is ? It 's going to be sad seeing you cry at the finish line and I don 't want to get cold waiting for you to get over your defeat … " You know , loving words . Even Mini - me got in it saying that I would win the race and get the " gold necklace " and Skywalker would get the " Silver necklace " ( where did he learn about that , I don 't know , since the airtime the Olympics received in our home this year is about the same as Ronco Steak Knives infomercials … None . ) . His loyalty touched me ( suck on that one Sunshine ) . We took a break for Sunday School but as soon as we got back in the car the talk continued . At 11 : 30 we stood in front of our house . Mini - me took his position and after a couple of false starts , the race was one . I don 't know if you know this , but a 9 - year old runs fast . Even if he doesn 't participate in sports , he runs at recess every day and with his friends all the time . He is a cheetah , sprints quick fast in short distances , while I am more of a water buffalo ( yes , I just compared myself to a massive cow ) and can run longer . I discovered this too late . There were a couple of times when I almost caught up , but when looking over his shoulders , he would see me and sprint again out of reach . The thoughts that went through my mind were not the ones of a loving mother , but the ones of a LOSING RUNNER . He beat me by about 10 feet . The irony of it was that he collapsed on the grass while I could 've kept on running . Mini - me came running to me , jumping over his brother and declared me the Winner . Gotta love that kid ! When Skywalker caught his breath , he came over and put his hand on my shoulder , looked at me lovingly and said : " Where is my card ? " Now , there are a lot of things I can say here to excuse the fact that I lost , you know : the calf that received physical therapy this week , the lack of training time these last two weeks … you know , not excuses but REASONS . The reality is that he beat me fair and square . I went upstairs and got on the treadmill for the first time in two weeks . This is not over by far . You know that a re - match is coming . After all , second place is just the first loser . So one of my current bosses just received a call to check references . I answered the phone and the Director of HR from the company I just interviewed with identified herself and laughed about me answering the phone . My boss , who happened to be getting ready to leave the office found himself almost tackled in the hallway when he almost left the office as the phone rang . Needless to say , he took the call ( I think I saw a little fear in his eyes when I jumped off my seat to stop him ) . Since his office is right next to mine , I could hear what he was saying . At the beginning of the conversation I heard him say ( jokingly , thank goodness ) : " If I say she sucks , will you not hire her so she can stay ? " I choked on the orange I was eating . I heard a lot of mumbling but whatever I caught seemed positive . As he was talking , another one of my references ( who was THRILLED when I asked him if he could give me a reference if he got called ) walked up to my desk in a foul mood . It seems that there had been a breach of confidence in his area and since his support staff denied having any involvement , he came to see if I knew anything about it ( read : If I had said something ) . Now , there are two things I professionally pride myself with : my organizational skills ( I am terribly type A - hence the whole being on time thing ) and my ability to keep a confidence ( does blabbing about it in my blog count ? ? ) . Even my bosses have always commented on how things never leave this area . So after I denied knowing anything , which was true but I thought that if I defended my inocence too much would seem like I was denying a guilty action , my prior boss walked away - fuming . By this time , the reference call wrapped up and my current boss walked out and said : " Well , I didn 't tell her that you walk on water , but I was pretty close to it ! " Then he left for his meeting . The other assistant called me and was complaining about getting raked over the coals by her boss . She denied all accusations ( there were three ) and was very angry . Her other lineTen seconds into the call , the door opened and I almost had a heart attack right there and then , almost making the call useless since I can 't work if I am DEAD . It was the employee he was meeting with , who was coming out of the office to give him some privacy . She laughed when she saw me and closed the door quickly so he couldn 't see me ( BLESS HER ! ) . Then , moved out of the way so I could resume my position of shame . Then I heard it … although I am good " I am overqualified for this position … " " She has a master 's degree … " " I heard her boss say that sometimes she can 't anticipate his needs . Like this time that a presentation needed to be done and he had to ask about it . " ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME ? ? ? ? I hate when people make assumptions about my life . Who cares if I am overqualified ! I ASKED for the job ! I decided I wanted it ! ! ! I LOVE the company , and there are very few things I wouldn 't do to to work there ! Especially if it means getting a foot in the door . I ALMOST barged in to say : WHAT PRESENTATION ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? Do you mean the presentations that YOU were responsible for and that I had to go behind your back to talk to your staff and harass them to get it done and then you took the credit for it being complete ( you know , when you walked into the meeting and asked me , with that terrified look on your face , if I had them and then said " thank you " when our boss told YOU " Good work " ? ? ? ) Or the one that was your responsibility and I had to dump my kids at my parents ' house ( Sunshine was out of town ) to come and help Big Boss with it and was here until 9 pm with him and received a hand - written thank you card from him at my house ? ( DEEP BREATH … . ) Sorry I went manic on you there . I , of course , did not do barge in or yell or any such thing . I walked away from the door . Added this to the list of things to talk about during my exit interview and continued to work . Fifteen minutes later ( this is just too weird and good for me to make it up ) the other assistant came by my desk . It turns out that out of the three things I was accused asked about , 2 were her fault . The other one was someone else 's fault . Niiiiiiiice … . . And now , I am going to walk away and get something for lunch . I hear that there is Cherry Cheesecake in the cafeteria today and I am armed with a spoon … I will park myself at my desk and not listen to any more conversations … . Ever … OK , at least until next time … This has been an interesting week … Sorry I have been so out of touch . I swear I am at least reading blogs , but I have been so busy and tired that there are a very few coherent thoughts in my mind lately . If you REALLY want to know why , go ahead and keep reading , but make sure that you have your tennis shoes on ( so you can keep up ) and a refreshing drink ( so you can catch your breath with it afterwards ! ) Here we go ! On Monday I went to two interviews . I packed up the kids to school and drove 2 and a half hours for my first appointment . The person I was going to meet with was late . Now , that is one of my pet peeves ( I have a list ) . If you make an appointment with me , BE ON TIME - especially if I was able to make it on time , from 96 miles away after taking care of two kids … Then she proceeded to let me know that she is a workaholic . She has no children , no husband , works all the time . Will I be able to work late and even Saturdays ? In the spirit of the interview , I told her that if she lets me know ahead of time I could probably figure something out . Then she asked me how many times have I been absent from my current job in the last 6 to 12 months . ( just when I had surgery and I had enough vacation days and worked from home when I could ) . THEN , she asked me if I was able to work with minorities … I guess she missed LOOKING at me , since I am Hispanic . To make it , Oh , so much better , she then told me that the office is currently staffed by a group of passive aggressive people and that I would have to deal with a whole bunch of drama . GEEZ , LADY ! Why didn 't you post all this in the ad ? Where do I sign ? ? ? My second interview was with a large company . I interviewed with the Director of Human Resources . I liked her , she liked me . We talked about coming back later on in the week for me to meet with the hiring manager and a group of staff . Then , I ran to my car and drove 2 and a half hours back to pick up the kids , do dinner , homework and put them to bed . When I settled down to bed and turned on the TV , there it was , scrolling on the bottom of the screen : School had been cancelled the next day . Kids will attend on Saturday . Dang ! I called my dad , he said to bring the kids over the next day . After dropping off the boys at my parents ' the next day , I made it to work and made up the work from the day before and whatever was popping up . It started to snow outside pretty hard , so at about mid - afternoon , my dad called me at work and told me that if I wanted the pick up the kids , I needed to come right away because his street was freezing . After considering it for about 20 minutes , I begged for the mercy of my boss and asked him if I could leave early … to go home with two kids … with nothing to do outside … and a non - working PS3 . I ended up spending almost 2 hours with the PS3 support team to get the stupid thing to work . By the time I could use it , it was too late . I had to cook dinner and get the kids ready for bed . Right when I was pulling hot pasta off the strainer , my cell phone rang . I saw that it was an out - of - town number . The HR Director was on the line and wanted to know if I could come in the next day at 3pm for that second interview she told me about . I looked out the window at the 6 inches of snow ( and still falling ) . Sure ! I said . You know what happened next : I called my parents in a frantic state . Don 't worry , we 'll take care of the kids at the end of the day . Then , TEN SECONDS later , my cell dings with a text : SCHOOL FOR TOMORROW HAS BEEN CANCELLED PARENTS ! YOU CAN START CHAINING YOURSELVES TO THE WALL . WE LOVE YOU ! ( end of message ) . I thought I would cry . The next morning , I had to get up at 5 : 30 am to take a shower ( I had somehow forgotten the night before ) and get the kids ready to take them to my parents ' again ( the boys were over it and not amused - the love the grandparents , but it is BORING there ! ) . Mini - me decided that the best way to pass time was to be a pain in the ass to his brother . I ran away before my dad could realize this and went to work . I again caught up with all the work that people in areas where it doesn 't snow ( what the hell people , don 't you know better ? ) had emailed me and left me voice mails about . Again , I had to do a puppy face and leave work early for a 2 hour drive , with no lunch , to a second interview . It 's a good thing that they like me around here . I went , I interviewed and I think it went well . I left the interview and then drove 2 hours back and picked up the kids . Thankfully , my parents had already fed them , so off to bed they went . I figured that I had spent my 3 - week gas allowance in 3 days . My carbon footprint this week is so big , I will need to plant a small forest to make up for it . You would think that it would be worth it for the kids , right ? RIGHT ? No . Skywalker told me that he is in NO hurry to leave and then Mini - me told me this morning that he had ran out of big kisses , he only had 100 medium - sized kisses and little ones , so to choose carefully when asking for a " Morning " kiss . I just realized I still have one more day before Sunshine comes home … I am off to hide under my desk and take a nap . Thanks . P . S . Did I mention that all that driving did a number on my calf ( the sore one I ignored and ran a 5K with ) ? I couldn 't walk for 2 days . My PT friends took pity on me today and massaged it - nothing like intense pain to get over pain ; but at least I can walk now . What a wonderful time . . . Sunny and warm . Maybe Spring had sprung ? ? Maybe not , here is the view out of my home office window . . . 20 minutes and one inch ago . . . Total accumulation so far : 5 inches and 2 cabin fevered boys . |
I am now sitting at work waiting for the last 15 minutes of work to be over . As bad as it got some days ( especially when my Work - Husband found out I was leaving ) , I enjoyed working here . My co - workers were warm , caring and supportive ( especially through the crazy health crisis in the last couple of years and during the unemployment ) . At the worse , they even " adopted " our family during Christmas time , to make sure that the kids had presents under the tree . I didn 't know how much of an impact I had on those around me until my good - bye reception this afternoon . How wonderful to see all those people there . And the loot ! They love me ! I got tons of hugs and someone even cried . I am glad that my parents will stay in the area . I actually look forward to a new chapter in my life , but I am glad that it was based on this wonderful time . Posted by Growing up in Puerto Rico , we swooned to the cuteness of the Menudo boys . We would fight over our favorites and would " assign " each other the group members . We made plans to find them , make them fall in love with our wonderfulness , marry them and be the envy of all the girls of the WORLD ! I can tell you that yesterday , a lot of worlds were crushed and a lot of worlds were jubilant . When Ricky Martin announced that he was gay , I am pretty sure that not a lot of people were surprised . Actually , I don 't think anyone really was . We were all in the know without him saying anything . Still , the announcement cemented that knowledge and all the girls ' hearts died a little . I am sure that there are a lot of men out there that gave each other high - fives yesterday : the ones that will say every day to their in - denial - wives / girlfriends " I told you so ! " and the ones that have been dreaming all this time about finding him , make him fall in love and marry him and be the envy of all the girls / homosexual men in the WORLD ! Still , at least we can all enjoy the eye candy … Right ? As my quick post explained yesterday , we are now in full transition mode . We are in the process of relocating and that means that most of the furniture is out of the current home and since I still have some days at work , Mini - me and I are staying at my parents ' home . Here are some things I have learned so far : 1 ) When you stay at your parents ' house , you are not on the top of the food chain anymore . You are not even close to the top . They go first , then the kids , then you . 2 ) When at your parents ' house , you seem to lose any ability to raise your children properly , even if you are doing EXACTLY what was done to you . If you correct , you are too harsh . If you don 't , then you get THE LOOK . It takes your children . 3 seconds how to play the system . Can you say ice cream for dessert … before dinner ? 3 ) If it takes your children . 3 seconds to learn how to play the system , it takes them . 1 second to realize that your parents are the boss of you . Take that time and cut it in half if the child is as smart as Mini - me . If your child smiles at the moment of realization , you can now expect a direct correlation to the times that they system will be played against you . 4 ) When at your parents ' house , you don 't get to watch your favorite shows on TV - you don 't even get to hold the remote . 5 ) If you decide to do something else other than watch TV with them , you might be the recipient of a guilt trip , including " Puppy dog " eyes … 6 ) When at your parents ' house , you get to sleep in a tiny guest bedroom . The sewing room / plant / junk room is bigger than yours . You might be lucky if you get some space in the closet , but don 't count on it . 7 ) You don 't have privacy from your children . EVER . Since they are sharing the tiny guest bedroom with you . 8 ) You might be told to buy food for you and your children , since you might not like what the eat ( even though you and your children eat there all the time ) . When unpacking the groceries , you might be informed of the menu during your stay ( which includes what you will be eating ) and none of it includes ANY of the stuff you just bought . 9 ) They cook for you . It 's been a couple of stressful days . With the move and all the packing and then having two households it is hard for me to keep the migraine at bay . It is amazing how having two jobs doesn 't help to cover two homes . No wonder this is the life of the rich and famous only . . . and we are neither . It 's official . My husband and I are sick , sick people . There is no cure for us . Please tell our children we love them . We are devastated by the realization that once we move out of our home this weekend , we will have to leave behind one of our most treasured and loved family members : Lucille . Who is Lucille , you ask ? Only the most wonderful , beautiful , reliable , dependable … . Stove . Lucille is my Electrolux Dual - Fuel , Double oven , stove . She is more than a stove . She is - well , Lucille . I named her after Lucille Ball , because every day , since she was delivered I walk into our home through the garage , into the kitchen , and I see her there , gleaming and welcoming , and I can 't help but to yell … Lucy , I 'm home ! Lucille is everything a cook / baker like Sunshine and I ever wanted . She has two electric ovens and a gas stovetop . You access the controls by touching a screen , and the controls light up and chime " Ding ! " . It 's your own Star Trek Enterprise control board . Her oven racks are mounted on ball - bearings , so when you have a heavy turkey or when you are making a flan and you cannot have water fall into the pan , there is no jerkiness pulling the item out . She dries out herbs . She can even jerk meat ( not that we ever did that ) . She truly is remarkable . Pricey , but remarkable . We saved our pennies for her … and now she must stay behind . She is my Preciousssss …… S : I made one on Monday that turned out good . It is the absence of Lucile in the mix … . I think I have got a good relationship with the new appliance and am producing better product now … . LW : I don 't know … Who said we are not a match made in heaven . Anyone who can take time off their day to have THAT conversation with me , is MY kind of man ! Do you have an inanimate item that you love ? ? ? As Easter approaches , I am always in awe of the great sacrifice that was paid for my Salvation . I am not usually one to preach or be too open about her faith ( as a matter of fact , I will only talk about the Wonders that God has done in my life when people ask me ) , but Easter seems to be different . This time and Christmas time remind me that Jesus was a man . That he had a mother . That she worried about Him the same way I worry about my kids . I wonder what she was thinking when He was going through His tribulations and how many sleepless nights she spent worrying and crying for his safety and sake , even though he was doing everything for ours . In all His glory , he started small . Gained a space in her heart first , then to gain ours . Here is an image that I treasure . I just wanted to share . I just hope I always have space for Him . Spring was here . I swear . I have flowers to prove it . And you had to come and ruin it for me . I knew it would be overcast and that was OK . I knew that it wouldn 't be warm and that was OK . Spring came around . The calendar said so . The pagan people in Asheville said so . Easter is next week . Some birds were trying to eat my newly planted garden looking for nest material . You were out . But NOOOOO , you had to come back today . Like that garlic roll that I had at lunch and I can still taste 5 hours later . I can take the cold , the overcast day , but for you to come back and make it SNOW today . And an inch of top of that ! That 's was just cruel and unfair . To me , it was as if you lifted your cold dress ( yea , I called it a dress , not a tunic ) , turned around and mooned me . Your cold , Old Man Winter . After all those posts where I defended you and snow and how much I love it . I don 't care if you dump 30 inches of that crap in December . But today was one inch too many . I don 't care that it didn 't stick . See if I care next year . I hate you and my tulips hate you . Enough said . So I did what every person in the area is doing today and prepared our boxed garden . Some people around here have gardens so big that they use tractors and tillers . . . and that 's their backyard garden ! We are selling our home and are moving from the house in 2 weeks , but I can 't leave the garden the way it is , so . . . I did what any normal person would do . I went to the garden center . . . Before long , my hands were looking like this : Love it ! There is something about dirt . To me it looks better than my rings ( but not by much . Diamonds ARE pretty , after all , and they ARE a refined type of dirt ) . So after spending several hours outside ( Mini - me was with me for a couple of them - he also LOVES to garden ) , I dragged my feet inside , just to grab some water and sit back in the sun , just to find this : I know that I started this blog with grand illusions of being as witty as all the women whose blogs I follow . My life lately has not given me many opportunities to do so . I am trying to see the funny in all of it , and sometimes I can , but then there are days like yesterday . Skywalker and I have a complicated relationship . After I almost lost him , it was hard for me to bond with him for a long time . Sunshine on the other hand , embraced parenthood in a way that I have only seen my father do . He adores his children . Skywalker and Sunshine have always been peas in a pod . I remember picking up Skywalker at daycare when he was a couple of years old , seeing him run up to me at full speed , just to short stop and say : " Where 's Papa ? " It seems that as easy as it is for me to communicate and understand Mini - me , with Skywalker I find myself faced with someone whose language I just don 't understand . Many times Sunshine has had to explain to me what is going on . As a first born boy , I do know that I am more stern with him . He is extremely intelligent but also very immature , which makes me want to knock my head against the wall . Usually Sunshine is my pressure cooker valve . You know , when I get very negative with Skywalker , or if I get very critical with him , or if I pick on him , Sunshine will point it out to me . I do the same thing between him and Mini - me . Now that Sunshine is away during the week , I have had to deal with the boys all by myself . Needless to say , there isn 't enough time in the day to get everything done before bedtime , so the schedule is tight . There hasn 't been a lot of time for cartoons or videogames at our house . Given the nature of my relationship with Skywalker ( which , in case you haven 't noticed , I love with every fiber of my being ) , I have been especially careful of my tone and the things I say to him . I thought that all was working rather well until last Tuesday , when he came home with magnets from a science class . These magnets had been stolen by another boy in another grade and ended up in the possession of my child , who thought that they were " cool " . Now , Sunshine and I have had a couple of talks with Skywalker about coming home with toys that are not his . He can sweet - talk a bear out of the last bit of honey in the forest . So … needless to say , he got into a heap of trouble when he came home with stolen goods . A HEAP . Then , he got in trouble again on Wednesday . This time for lying . I sent him to his room after dinner . Last night , he lied to me again . When I asked him if he was getting in trouble on purpose , his answer was " Yes " . In total disbelief I asked him why . His response was that he wanted to be in his room . When we got home , I immediately called my interpreter ( Sunshine ) and asked him to talk to Skywalker and tell me what was going on . Skywalker told Sunshine that he was getting in trouble on purpose because getting sent to his room was safer than being around me . That he was afraid of me . Afraid . Ladies , you could 've knocked me down with a feather , but you wouldn 't have to , because I choked and had the wind knocked out of me . Sunshine told me to wait a bit and then go talk to the child and get to the bottom of the issue . So I did . After putting Mini - me to bed , I went to Skywalker 's room and sat as far away as possible so he didn 't feel threatened by me . I spoke softly looked at him in the eye . Turns out , that he said that he was afraid of me , because he knows that when he gets in trouble , I make him suffer consequences . He is afraid of what I will do to him . He didn 't want to go to jail for stealing . Remember that Cosby Show scene where Theo gives this speech on how his father needs to accept him the way he is and not try to change him and then Bill says : " Theo , that is the STUPIDEST thing I 've ever heard ? " That 's was what was going through my mind as my child spoke . In a calm voice ( I was SO proud of myself ) I said : " So you are afraid of me because YOU STOLE something ? " He nodded . For he next hour we had a LONG heart to heart . I told him that his fear is healthy . How many times I DIDN ' T do something in fear of my mom and her wrath at home ? I explained to this boy , that fear was what I dealt with every night thinking that my son was stealing and lying . What would become of him if I couldn 't stop him ? I explained that people with no fear end up in jail or dead . And that there is also the Fear of God . Not " scared " fear , but RESPECT fear . I asked him if he was afraid of me when he came home late from his friends house . He said no . I asked him if he was afraid of me when he didn 't do his chores . He said no . I asked him , when are you afraid ? When I steal , disobey or lie to you . Many other things were said in this conversation . When he told me that he was afraid of going to jail and never seeing me or Sunshine or Mini - me again , he cried when I asked him how did he think WE would feel about not being able to see him either ? He was surprised when I told him that I cry over him when I don 't know what to do . He was shocked when I told him that I was afraid of dear , sweet Abuela . He seem to understand that every time he leaves the house , I can 't go with him and make sure that he does the right thing , BUT , if the fear ofPosted by Ah , the bliss of being a single , working parent ! Sunshine left on Monday at the crack of dawn as he usually does ( thank goodness there are only a couple more of those left ) . We had been together all weekend long . I had taken two days off last week and spent it running errands like a mad woman . I tried to enroll Skywalker in his new school ( I 'm still mad about THAT incompetent school secretary , so I can 't write about it that - yet ) , so I returned to work yesterday ready to tackle this week . At about 2pm I received a call from Mini - me 's daycare . He had a fever of 102 , complained that his belly hurt and wouldn 't let anyone touch it . Yeah , you know EXACTLY what I thought . I left work early and found him , laying on his cot , looking miserable . Poor thing ! I approached him and as he looked at me he whispered : " Can I play my Nintendo DS when I get home ? " I knew that he would survive . I took him home and gave him some Motrin . He woke up twice last night asking for water . I considered bringing him to the bed with me , but I figured that being woken up a couple of times ( and every time I heard him move ) was better than getting kicked all night . Amazing how a mother 's ears work . Mini - me 's room is down the hall from mine , and still I could hear him talking in his sleep . While I slept . With the TV on . . . This morning , he still wasn 't feeling well , so I asked my parents to please take care of him so I could go to work . My mom volunteered to take him to work with her . ( Have I mentioned how much those two love each other ? ) Mini - me was at first disappointed that he couldn 't go to school ( let 's see how long THAT lasts ) but then was super excited about spending the day with his Abuela . When I picked him up , my mom told me that she had given him another dose of Motrin at 4 pm and he is still warm . I already had to call work and let them know that I can 't come in to work tomorrow . Of course he couldn 't get sick while I was off last week . Of course he couldn 't get sick over the weekend . Of course he doesn 't get sick when my dad hasn 't spent 1 week taking care of my nephews and is ready to give up grandchildren . Of course he doesn 't get sick on the days that my parents can help with him ( other than today ) . Of course . I 've been praying a lot . I am fortunate to believe and be able to pray not only to God and my Lord Jesus , but also His Blessed Mother . She understands what is like to worry about her boy and Her household . As part of my efforts to lead a healthier lifestyle , I am trying to get the children involved in some type of activity . In the past we have tried Little League , but since Sunshine is not much of a baseball fan , Skywalker found the bugs flying next to him on the left field more interesting than the actual game . Needless to say , it was a bust . I tried to engage him on trying another sport . His friends are into football and Sunshine was a football player in Middle School and some of High School , but once Skywalker saw how they get hit , the sport lost its appeal . Some of his other friends and his cousins are really into soccer , but when Skywalker saw all that running , he decided that this sport was also out . Last year , in my desperation to find something to get him engaged , we started him on swimming … and he was good ! Added plus : unless it is thundering outside , meets and classes are not cancelled ! ! ! His teacher said that he has a lot of potential and he enjoyed it ! Then , as he progressed through the classes , I found out that the swim team at the Y practices at 3 : 30 pm every day . I called the Y and inquired about it . Really ? 3 : 30 in the afternoon ? Who schedules practices at 3 : 30pm ? My son 's school bus doesn 't even drop him off in front of our house until 4pm ! And there is also the little issue of him having two working parents . His swimming future seemed to be evaporating … ( don 't like that pun ? How about : it was going down the drain ? Ok , ok , I 'll stop ) . I asked the coach how kids who had working parents made it to practice . Her response : carpool . Awesome , I said , but how do you know who is willing to carpool . Her response ? By coming to practice . After about 10 seconds of silence to see if she would catch the total lack of logic in her statement I hung up the phone disappointed . We had to take him out of swimming . Finally , someone with someone with some brains realized this issue and changed the swimming practices to different hours of the day . There are some that still start at 3 : 30 but there is another oToday we had our second session . The boys love it . Today Mini - me actually got over his fear of dunking his head under the water and he is starting to get the freestyle stroke - and it 's only his second lesson ! Skywalker is loving the time in the water . I am glad for him . I want him not only to be able to exercise his mind , but also his social skills , be part of a team . So I was a little taken aback when I heard him asked another child in his class if he wanted to be friends and the boy looked at him and flat out said : No . They had met 3 minutes ago and this was his response . Skywalker caught my eye and I tried to smile , but I think he was too embarrassed by the fact that I had witnessed this rejection , so he looked away . Geez , who taught THAT kid manners ? ? ? I understand that Skywalker doesn 't have to be friends with the entire world , but . . . As I sat there on the pool deck , re - living my childhood ( my brothers swam competitively but I didn 't so I sat by the pool MANY hours ) . I noticed several issues . First , there was a little girl ( maybe 8years old ) swimming around in the pool - never mind that there were 4 preschool swimming classes going on at the same time , this girl swam and dove , splashed in the preschoolers ' faces and interrupted the lessons by swimming into the instructors and kids , while her mother read a magazine . At one point , the lifeguard told her to please move to another section of the pool , but her mom told her not too because it was too deep . Now , I understand that this is the Y , but there are 23 preschoolers in the pool , taking classes , the lanes are reserved for this purpose and your daughter is being disruptive to the class I PAID for . Ok , so I took a deep breath and tried to enjoy watching Mini - me with his HUGE goggles " swim " around . Once Mini - me finished , it was Skywalker 's turn . As the classes ( now 5 classes with about 25 kids total ) progressed , more and more people were getting in the pool - to just stand and swim . Parents were coming with their little babies to splash around , older kids were playing around , and then , they had the nerve to get upset if water got splashed on their precious 5 month old ( who was not supposed to be there at that time in the first place ) or upset if they got smacked by a flailing swimming student , or completely ignored them and made the kids stop in the middle of their swimming strokes , so they could leisurely swim right across their path … it got so bad , that one of the instructors had to ask the lifeguard to blow her whistle and yelled at all these people to stay by the walls of the pool or exit the water as there were 5 simultaneous lessons going on . Three teenagers were actually " asked " to leave the pool . Order lasted about 10 minutes as other people entered the pool and not having heard this announcement started to get in the way . It was exasperating to watch . One of the culprits How about you ? What would you have done ? ? ? I have two wonderful sons . Beautiful sons . They make me laugh and at least one of them will make me head to the spot on the wall where I bang my head every day . I love the hugs , and playing UNO with them ( and all the " sportsmanship " that comes with the game in this house ) , but I love babies . When I was pregnant with Skywalker it was the worse experience ever . I had read the What to expect when you 're expecting book , but too me , being pregnant at that time was one hurdle over another . Morning sickness subsided to be replaced by swollen legs , which was replaced by body aches . . . I hated being pregnant . Then to top it off , I ended up with toxemia and spent 2 weeks in the hospital , on magnesium sulfate ( NASTY little bag of drugs ) just to give birth prematurely and go through a new set of mind - boggling craziness and emotional rollercoasters . A couple of years later I was told I couldn 't have any more kids . Something about secondary infertility . The news were given to my by my fertility doctor after 3 tries of artificial insemination . We went to talk to a lawyer about the possibility of adopting . It was hard . I packed up all my baby things , you know , the ones that I had been saving for 4 years and took them to Goodwill . After I unloaded the car , I sat in the parking lot crying for about 20 minutes . I let go . Two weeks later , I was pregnant with Mini - me . I swore right there and there that no matter what , I would ENJOY this pregnancy , because I knew that it would be my last . It was great . I was very high risk and even early in the process I told my OB that if something should happen , to make sure to to a tubal ligation . My body just could not handle another baby . He agreed . He admitted to not knowing how to talk to me about the need for such measures . Another baby would kill me . Mini - me was born full term and beautiful . I think that he is so much like me because he spent the entire time in there , with me being so positive about his development . He certainly took a better part of me with him . But , there is the other part . Sunshine and I still feel that we are missing something in our family . The thought of a girl still becomes convesations amongst us . We know that we are now just trying to get over the huge unemployment , change of location , change of job , getting out of debt again , selling the house adventure , but we had set the goal of considering adoption once Mini - me became five . That milestone is this October . Sunshine and I are believers that God will send blessings our way when we are ready for them . Mini - me was definitely the proof of that . Prior to the perfect timing of his coming , I wonder if our marriage would 've survived him or if I would 've appreciated him as much as I did . Then , I also think about how we are past the baby stage . Our boys are potty trained . They sleep the entire night . They can walk . They can eat by themselves . They can entertain themselves . The challenges are different . I sometimes babysit my 8 month old nephew and I am surprised about how hard it is . I believe that 's how we continue as a species . Mothers forget how hard it is to take care of babies . We just see the cuteness and then , WHAM ! you 're hooked . I am glad that after a couple of hours , I can return my nephew to my brother . I love babies , but they are exhausting . I absolutely LOVE seeing the recipes posted in all of your blogs ! Love the decadent recipes from Not Your Average Soccer Mom , and the healthy yummy sounding stuff that Too Many Hats posts in her blog . Not to be left behind , I am including here THE BEST Tres Leches cake you will EVER have . Let me warn you though : This cake is SUPER easy to make , hard to put down once you start and will RUIN you for ever . When you try other Tres Leches recipes at the latin restaurant that you go to ( you know , the one that you only go to because of the Tres Leches they serve ) or the one that your great - aunt Gertrude finally gave you the recipe for after you had to relinquish all claims to her 3 strings of pearls . . . you know what I mean . And if you don 't , try this cake . I dare you . P . S . : I refuse to be responsible for broken scales or marriages / relationships broken because your spouse or children TOUCHED your cake - or the fact that once you share this cake with your co - workers or friends , you will ALWAYS be assigned to bring this cake , which serves you right for sharing it in the first place . The Cake : Preheat oven to 350ºF . Separate the eggs . Beat the egg whites unti1 fluffy . Add the sugar gradually and mix well . Blend in the egg yolks , one at a time . Alternately blend in the milk , flour , and baking powder . Add the vanilla and blend well . Pour into a greased , square baking pan , and bake 45 minutes or until a knife inserted in the cake comes out clean . Remove the cake from the oven and pierce it with a fork , making little holes evenly over the surface . Set aside to cool . DON ' T TAKE IT OUT OF THE PAN . In a large bowl , mix condensed milk , evaporated milk , and vanilla extract until well blended . Slowly pour the mixture over the top of the cake . It will look like a lot , but believe me , it 'll fit . Beat whipping cream until stiff . Spread over cake . Slather the delicious white goodness all over the top . Open top button of your jeans . Eat , then fast for 30 days or so . Repeat . Yesterday I did something I hadn 't done in a loooong time : clean my wallet . If your wallet is anything like mine , Mary Poppin 's traveling bag has nothing on us : we can pull ANYTHING out of there . Once in a while I throw away old crap to make sure I have space for all the new phone numbers , cards and information that I will never call or use . During the exercise in organization I happened to find an FYE gift card . I have no idea how it got there nor when it got there . Sunshine checked on the Internet and I had the original $ 25 still available on it . SCORE ! Later that evening , we decided to go celebrate my job offer after Church . We went to Chili 's and had an amazing time as a family . The kids didn 't know why we were there because until I see the offer and actually accept it , I don 't want to get them excited ( in the case of Mini - me ) or totally bummed out ( in the case of Skywalker ) . God knows I can only go through that one time , so I am saving it for when it actually happens . During the conversation , Skywalker , who was sitting next to me , started talking about how he could win a race between the two of us . Having just completed a 5K not that long ago , the competitive streak attacked our table . Sunshine agreed that I would smoke the kid … Skywalker did not appreciate the challenge and all of a sudden I was agreeing to a race with my NINE YEAR OLD . We were to run down the street to my brother 's house , touch his mailbox and run back up the street to our house . First one to touch our mailbox wins the FYE card . From there on , there was nothing but smack talk between the two of us . " Skywalker , can you please go brush your teeth ? You know , so they are nice and clean when I beat you in the race tomorrow ! " and " Mom , do you know where my jacket is ? It 's going to be sad seeing you cry at the finish line and I don 't want to get cold waiting for you to get over your defeat … " You know , loving words . Even Mini - me got in it saying that I would win the race and get the " gold necklace " and Skywalker would get the " Silver necklace " ( where did he learn about that , I don 't know , since the airtime the Olympics received in our home this year is about the same as Ronco Steak Knives infomercials … None . ) . His loyalty touched me ( suck on that one Sunshine ) . We took a break for Sunday School but as soon as we got back in the car the talk continued . At 11 : 30 we stood in front of our house . Mini - me took his position and after a couple of false starts , the race was one . I don 't know if you know this , but a 9 - year old runs fast . Even if he doesn 't participate in sports , he runs at recess every day and with his friends all the time . He is a cheetah , sprints quick fast in short distances , while I am more of a water buffalo ( yes , I just compared myself to a massive cow ) and can run longer . I discovered this too late . There were a couple of times when I almost caught up , but when looking over his shoulders , he would see me and sprint again out of reach . The thoughts that went through my mind were not the ones of a loving mother , but the ones of a LOSING RUNNER . He beat me by about 10 feet . The irony of it was that he collapsed on the grass while I could 've kept on running . Mini - me came running to me , jumping over his brother and declared me the Winner . Gotta love that kid ! When Skywalker caught his breath , he came over and put his hand on my shoulder , looked at me lovingly and said : " Where is my card ? " Now , there are a lot of things I can say here to excuse the fact that I lost , you know : the calf that received physical therapy this week , the lack of training time these last two weeks … you know , not excuses but REASONS . The reality is that he beat me fair and square . I went upstairs and got on the treadmill for the first time in two weeks . This is not over by far . You know that a re - match is coming . After all , second place is just the first loser . So one of my current bosses just received a call to check references . I answered the phone and the Director of HR from the company I just interviewed with identified herself and laughed about me answering the phone . My boss , who happened to be getting ready to leave the office found himself almost tackled in the hallway when he almost left the office as the phone rang . Needless to say , he took the call ( I think I saw a little fear in his eyes when I jumped off my seat to stop him ) . Since his office is right next to mine , I could hear what he was saying . At the beginning of the conversation I heard him say ( jokingly , thank goodness ) : " If I say she sucks , will you not hire her so she can stay ? " I choked on the orange I was eating . I heard a lot of mumbling but whatever I caught seemed positive . As he was talking , another one of my references ( who was THRILLED when I asked him if he could give me a reference if he got called ) walked up to my desk in a foul mood . It seems that there had been a breach of confidence in his area and since his support staff denied having any involvement , he came to see if I knew anything about it ( read : If I had said something ) . Now , there are two things I professionally pride myself with : my organizational skills ( I am terribly type A - hence the whole being on time thing ) and my ability to keep a confidence ( does blabbing about it in my blog count ? ? ) . Even my bosses have always commented on how things never leave this area . So after I denied knowing anything , which was true but I thought that if I defended my inocence too much would seem like I was denying a guilty action , my prior boss walked away - fuming . By this time , the reference call wrapped up and my current boss walked out and said : " Well , I didn 't tell her that you walk on water , but I was pretty close to it ! " Then he left for his meeting . The other assistant called me and was complaining about getting raked over the coals by her boss . She denied all accusations ( there were three ) and was very angry . Her other lineTen seconds into the call , the door opened and I almost had a heart attack right there and then , almost making the call useless since I can 't work if I am DEAD . It was the employee he was meeting with , who was coming out of the office to give him some privacy . She laughed when she saw me and closed the door quickly so he couldn 't see me ( BLESS HER ! ) . Then , moved out of the way so I could resume my position of shame . Then I heard it … although I am good " I am overqualified for this position … " " She has a master 's degree … " " I heard her boss say that sometimes she can 't anticipate his needs . Like this time that a presentation needed to be done and he had to ask about it . " ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME ? ? ? ? I hate when people make assumptions about my life . Who cares if I am overqualified ! I ASKED for the job ! I decided I wanted it ! ! ! I LOVE the company , and there are very few things I wouldn 't do to to work there ! Especially if it means getting a foot in the door . I ALMOST barged in to say : WHAT PRESENTATION ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? Do you mean the presentations that YOU were responsible for and that I had to go behind your back to talk to your staff and harass them to get it done and then you took the credit for it being complete ( you know , when you walked into the meeting and asked me , with that terrified look on your face , if I had them and then said " thank you " when our boss told YOU " Good work " ? ? ? ) Or the one that was your responsibility and I had to dump my kids at my parents ' house ( Sunshine was out of town ) to come and help Big Boss with it and was here until 9 pm with him and received a hand - written thank you card from him at my house ? ( DEEP BREATH … . ) Sorry I went manic on you there . I , of course , did not do barge in or yell or any such thing . I walked away from the door . Added this to the list of things to talk about during my exit interview and continued to work . Fifteen minutes later ( this is just too weird and good for me to make it up ) the other assistant came by my desk . It turns out that out of the three things I was accused asked about , 2 were her fault . The other one was someone else 's fault . Niiiiiiiice … . . And now , I am going to walk away and get something for lunch . I hear that there is Cherry Cheesecake in the cafeteria today and I am armed with a spoon … I will park myself at my desk and not listen to any more conversations … . Ever … OK , at least until next time … This has been an interesting week … Sorry I have been so out of touch . I swear I am at least reading blogs , but I have been so busy and tired that there are a very few coherent thoughts in my mind lately . If you REALLY want to know why , go ahead and keep reading , but make sure that you have your tennis shoes on ( so you can keep up ) and a refreshing drink ( so you can catch your breath with it afterwards ! ) Here we go ! On Monday I went to two interviews . I packed up the kids to school and drove 2 and a half hours for my first appointment . The person I was going to meet with was late . Now , that is one of my pet peeves ( I have a list ) . If you make an appointment with me , BE ON TIME - especially if I was able to make it on time , from 96 miles away after taking care of two kids … Then she proceeded to let me know that she is a workaholic . She has no children , no husband , works all the time . Will I be able to work late and even Saturdays ? In the spirit of the interview , I told her that if she lets me know ahead of time I could probably figure something out . Then she asked me how many times have I been absent from my current job in the last 6 to 12 months . ( just when I had surgery and I had enough vacation days and worked from home when I could ) . THEN , she asked me if I was able to work with minorities … I guess she missed LOOKING at me , since I am Hispanic . To make it , Oh , so much better , she then told me that the office is currently staffed by a group of passive aggressive people and that I would have to deal with a whole bunch of drama . GEEZ , LADY ! Why didn 't you post all this in the ad ? Where do I sign ? ? ? My second interview was with a large company . I interviewed with the Director of Human Resources . I liked her , she liked me . We talked about coming back later on in the week for me to meet with the hiring manager and a group of staff . Then , I ran to my car and drove 2 and a half hours back to pick up the kids , do dinner , homework and put them to bed . When I settled down to bed and turned on the TV , there it was , scrolling on the bottom of the screen : School had been cancelled the next day . Kids will attend on Saturday . Dang ! I called my dad , he said to bring the kids over the next day . After dropping off the boys at my parents ' the next day , I made it to work and made up the work from the day before and whatever was popping up . It started to snow outside pretty hard , so at about mid - afternoon , my dad called me at work and told me that if I wanted the pick up the kids , I needed to come right away because his street was freezing . After considering it for about 20 minutes , I begged for the mercy of my boss and asked him if I could leave early … to go home with two kids … with nothing to do outside … and a non - working PS3 . I ended up spending almost 2 hours with the PS3 support team to get the stupid thing to work . By the time I could use it , it was too late . I had to cook dinner and get the kids ready for bed . Right when I was pulling hot pasta off the strainer , my cell phone rang . I saw that it was an out - of - town number . The HR Director was on the line and wanted to know if I could come in the next day at 3pm for that second interview she told me about . I looked out the window at the 6 inches of snow ( and still falling ) . Sure ! I said . You know what happened next : I called my parents in a frantic state . Don 't worry , we 'll take care of the kids at the end of the day . Then , TEN SECONDS later , my cell dings with a text : SCHOOL FOR TOMORROW HAS BEEN CANCELLED PARENTS ! YOU CAN START CHAINING YOURSELVES TO THE WALL . WE LOVE YOU ! ( end of message ) . I thought I would cry . The next morning , I had to get up at 5 : 30 am to take a shower ( I had somehow forgotten the night before ) and get the kids ready to take them to my parents ' again ( the boys were over it and not amused - the love the grandparents , but it is BORING there ! ) . Mini - me decided that the best way to pass time was to be a pain in the ass to his brother . I ran away before my dad could realize this and went to work . I again caught up with all the work that people in areas where it doesn 't snow ( what the hell people , don 't you know better ? ) had emailed me and left me voice mails about . Again , I had to do a puppy face and leave work early for a 2 hour drive , with no lunch , to a second interview . It 's a good thing that they like me around here . I went , I interviewed and I think it went well . I left the interview and then drove 2 hours back and picked up the kids . Thankfully , my parents had already fed them , so off to bed they went . I figured that I had spent my 3 - week gas allowance in 3 days . My carbon footprint this week is so big , I will need to plant a small forest to make up for it . You would think that it would be worth it for the kids , right ? RIGHT ? No . Skywalker told me that he is in NO hurry to leave and then Mini - me told me this morning that he had ran out of big kisses , he only had 100 medium - sized kisses and little ones , so to choose carefully when asking for a " Morning " kiss . I just realized I still have one more day before Sunshine comes home … I am off to hide under my desk and take a nap . Thanks . P . S . Did I mention that all that driving did a number on my calf ( the sore one I ignored and ran a 5K with ) ? I couldn 't walk for 2 days . My PT friends took pity on me today and massaged it - nothing like intense pain to get over pain ; but at least I can walk now . What a wonderful time . . . Sunny and warm . Maybe Spring had sprung ? ? Maybe not , here is the view out of my home office window . . . 20 minutes and one inch ago . . . Total accumulation so far : 5 inches and 2 cabin fevered boys . |
Sorry folks , I was in Canada last Saturday , so I forgot to post this . Well here it is now , a sort of culmination to the previous werewolf stories . It includes everyone 's favorite extra NPC , Lt . Spatz . Sixth Ranger There was a rustle in the bushes . It was more than just the wind , larger than some rabbit . People were moving , and people meant danger . They always do . A little girl popped into the clearing , chasing a grasshopper , wearing a small backpack and colorful boots with a cartoon character on the side . She looked around , and her eyes filled with wonder at the animal she saw lying there in the little den . A woman came into the clearing , wearing hiking gear and a larger pack than the child . She was dismissive at first , reaching for her daughter 's hand to pull her aside . Then she saw the wolf , and her whole body went rigid . She pulled the girl close , and tried to be still . He laid back down . Who did that lady think she was , calling him shaggy ? He looked at the sun , rising high in the air , and decided he needed to go . He rose once more , trotted through the underbrush , and continued down the hillsides until he could smell the indistinguishable scent of port - a - potties , hot dogs , and motor oil . His perspective rose , and he could feel his body twisting beneath his skin . Spatz pushed through a bush , and sat down on a bench at the edge of the park . He let out a sigh . There was relief there , he had to tell himself that . Somehow , life was a little better than before , if only a little . Then his phone started to vibrate out of control . It buzzed , and buzzed , and buzzed until he could pull the iPhone out of his pocket and check it . Five voicemails , at least fifteen texts , the phone stopped counting . He was going to look through the list of missed calls , but then Meredith began calling . He picked it up , leaned his head back , " Yes ? " He could tell she was stressed . Considering everything that was going on , he wasn 't surprised . She was trying to construct a new pack , pay respects to the old , and lead a war . He didn 't envy her . She was talking to someone else in the background . Spike ? The two new entries were still adjusting to how Meredith did business . To tell the truth , he trusted Cam and Mike more , and that 's saying a lot since he was sure Cam wanted to fight him . That tied Spatz ' stomach in a knot . If she was talking about Levi , she would say so , wouldn 't she ? Maybe , he knew Meredith kept secrets , who didn 't have secrets ? Still , he prided himself on having some idea what she was planning . It said , " Have werewolves ever thought of just , not wearing leather ? " Spatz tried to read it again , but it didn 't make any additional sense . Was he drinking ? Hopefully not . He walked in on the scene , and saw Chicago PD swarming everywhere . They were taking forensics , orders were being shouted back and forth . He sniffed , and the scents in the room made him want to pinch his nose . " What are you doing here , Lieutenant Spatz right ? " asked a Lieutenant from Chicago he saw now and again . The guy was tall , and a hard - ass , real territorial . Unfortunately , he had other loyalties that meant he wasn 't all that useful as a contact . He was waved into the hall , and Spatz could feel the air get thicker as they walked . They reached a staircase , and the Lieutenant pointed for him to walk down . They got to the bottom , and reached a room covered in tribal gear and chiminage . The walls and ground were painted in blood that stank of something strange . There were two more scents , ones Spatz couldn 't mistake for anything else . Later that morning he was at Naperville central . He was out back of the school , and Mike was attempting to do his best impersonation of a shadow on the wall . " They aren 't saying anything because they don 't know anything , " Spatz said , an arm against the wall , " But they can 't smell you on the knife Mike , I can . " Spatz flared his nostrils , " No , you 're not in trouble . But I know the knife is yours , and they are freaking out in there . You can 't have knives at school , I 'm pretty sure that is in the rulebook somewhere . " That was the ' I didn 't read the notebook ' shrug . Spatz let out a groan , and ran his hand down his face . His phone buzzed , and he pulled it out to check it . Mike started to walk away , and Spatz called out to him . The boy turned around . He hadn 't exactly done anything to anyone , and considering what all attacked them at the school in the past , it wasn 't the stupidest idea to have a knife . It was just dangerous , and illegal . Mike shook his head , and then went back inside . Spatz was pretty sure he saw a smirk there . A little later he was outside an ice cream parlor . She sat at the bench - table , and seemed oblivious to what he was asking . Then her face lit up , " Oh , yeah . So we weren 't able to catch him . Still , we looked up the crystals , and they were a bunch of hippy stuff , a lot of articles about clearing the mind and helping stress . The kind of stuff mom would probably use . Then Jennifer and Dick were talking about hunting down other shifters to see what they knew , and I tried to tell them that they wouldn 't know anything , but they just kept talking about finding them and hurting them . She is such a bitch . " Spatz nodded , and ignored his phone going off in his pocket . He was losing track of what she was talking about , but it seemed like she was interacting with the local Pure girl . If they recruited her , what would they do with her ? Most Pure would rather rip a Forsaken to shreds than use them for some scheme . " Then I started thinking about Leonard , and they might hurt him , and I started crying . So I tried to call him , and he wasn 't answering . With all this weird stuff going on , what if he is already hurt ? I would just die . " He had no idea who Leonard was . Did he forget , or was Leonard just not important ? " Oh my god , what if he is just ignoring me ? " Sylvia said , her eyes going wide , " Oh my god , that dick . I 'll punch him . Well , maybe not , he got beat up pretty bad the other month . Still , I told him I liked him , and he said he liked me too . I can 't believe him ! " Later that day he was in a counseling office with a young man named Jacob . Mundane as far as he could tell , the boy just decided to try to make a weapon at school during shop class and use it against another student . " No one is going to press charges today , " Spatz said , " Still , you need to ask yourself where you were going with this . I know it seems like this world is everything today , but trust me there is a whole big world out there , and attacking someone like that can - " Spatz took a deep breath , held a finger up , and then plucked his phone out . It was Levi . He silenced it , and put it back . " Do you have somewhere to be ? " The kid said , his voice hoarse from an earlier screaming match with the faculty . " No , " He said , " I 'm here . " Cam had his bag in hand , full of what Spatz had to guess was boxing gear . There were other kids with him , none of which Spatz recognized . Cam looked at them , and the others laughed before Cam jogged over to the window . As far as Spatz could tell , getting Cam to trust you was the hard part . How Levi had ever managed it was a mystery that Spatz had never figured out . Spatz didn 't want to call it trust issues , with the bit of the guy 's history that he knew , he was right to keep himself distant . Still , he had some friends right there , that 's better than before . " I don 't know if you 've been watching the news , " Cam said , " But a Black guy jumping into a police car , not the safest scenario . " Spatz started to laugh , but let it fall off . He wasn 't exactly sure how to respond to that one . Cam looked over his shoulder , and waved goodbye to the rest of his group . Spatz smirked , " Wild right ? Not all the time , no . It helps control the chaos . We can 't just jump at every fight that pops up , sometimes you need rules . The hunt is the game . It makes it like a soccer game , sets up the boundaries , and defines the players . " There was a little regret there . Spatz could hear it . That wasn 't Cam 's fight , maybe it wasn 't the best time to bring him in . He didn 't know what the shifters were doing , he didn 't feel the pressure to get revenge against the Pure . Cam didn 't get to finish his sentence , a mess of fur and screams hit the sidewalk next to them . It looked like it fell out of an abandoned apartment building . It rolled over , scrambled to its feet , stood up like a man . Spatz shrugged , " Beshilu are always around . Another werewolf thing . Father wolf couldn 't destroy them , so they spread around the world , getting their revenge on us for always hunting them . " He tried not to roll his eyes . He was drinking at a younger age , though beers instead of colorful cocktails . " You 're kind of extra grumpy today , " Levi said as he went into the motel room freezer and pulled out a small assortment of alcohol . She wasn 't , it already started . Spatz didn 't bother explaining that , he knew what Levi 's response would be . Still , shifters and werewolves didn 't always get along , and that is just how it was . He was risking a lot even being there . What if Levi was also working with the Pure ? What if that was why Sylvia was so close to Jennifer ? What if he was just being played , or lead into a trap . What would be his excuse to Meredith when she found out he put central Illinois at risk , over what ? He didn 't have time to be guilt - tripped . He put on his coat , and went to the door . " Call me tomorrow , " Spatz said as he opened the door . There , peeking from behind the clouds , the full moon . He could feel it , like the heat of the sun at high noon , burning against his skin . Another werewolf might give in to it , another werewolf might have looked for bloodshed , or at least some act of violence or passion . Spatz walked around to the back of the motel , and his body began to shift . He fell to all fours , and let out a howl that made the night tremble . This was his night , and he had a long run ahead of him . Meredith was silent on the other side of the line . " Fine , " She said , " Can you pick up the boy ? I want him to join us tonight , and he seems reluctant . " " Yes ma ' am , " Spatz said . Then she hung up , and Spatz let out all the air in his lungs . Another day , and more work ahead . Time for a little more Werewolf storytime . This one follows one of the last two members of my group 's pack . His history is interesting , because his character development was shifted when he took the life of an enemy and the pack started to view him as less than stable . After that , his mother vanished from his house . He didn 't have it easy . A Good Boy Chicago was weird . Compared to the suburbs of Naperville , it was like living in a maze of neighborhoods . The world was always screaming , people shouting , cars roaring , and machines rumbling . At first it can make it hard to survive . Perseverance makes anything possible . It was bright enough out that Tim had his shades on . He pulled his backpack close , and looked back and forth across the street . There were buildings everywhere , half of them poorly marked offices and the others small shops and businesses that Tim had no interest in . The dog stayed close to his heels , stopping whenever he stopped , sniffing at people who passed Tim on the sidewalk . There was no hesitation . That was an aspect of spirits that Tim liked , when it was in his favor . The weaker ones rarely played games . Games were alien to them . The dog was at his feet , panting and looking around . A few people walking around were looking at him like he was insane . Maybe he was , at least a little bit . This whole adventure was starting to feel strange , like a dream . Though , what did that say about him . Becoming a giant beast , fighting other furred monsters , channeling spirits , that felt real . Chicago was dreamlike . Trying to maintain his GPA in undergrad studies , that was foreign . Tim could feel himself breathing too hard . Something was rumbling to the fore , a sensation like panic and anger all mixed in one . " Thank you , " Tim said . He went into his backpack , and pulled out a picture of him and the rest of the pack , taken in front of a pool back in Naperville . He found some gum on the pavement , and stuck the picture to the ground , at the edge of the camera 's view . " Come on boy , " Tim motioned and started to walk again . What was his mother doing here just a week ago ? Multiple watcher spirits had seen her , and he was closing in . Still , she always seemed ahead . To make it worse , his original suspicions weren 't true . None of the packs knew who she was . He consulted with a few Bone Shadow tribesman , and they couldn 't do much more than tell him to seek the aid of spirits . He was starting to fear the worst . Maybe his mother was a Pure . Maybe he should have taken Sylvia 's advice , let her come and sniff his mother out . This was his problem though . He didn 't want to join a war , and he wasn 't joining Meredith . With Levi off doing whatever , he was all by himself . He stopped and gave the dog a rub on the head . It barked softly , and Tim pulled out a treat . Later they would go and hunt , find a fresh kill , and Tim could relax . He stood and looked at the building in front of him . It wasn 't marked with a name , but there was something about the logo . There were two birds there , based on their heads they looked like eagles . His mind went back to the letter from his mother , and the two feathers he found inside . Tim looked down , " I guess we better check it out . Keep quiet though . " He walked inside , and a secretary behind a desk smiled at him . The whole business looked like a meeting house . There weren 't any brochures , or signs . Nothing was welcoming to strangers , if you weren 't looking for this place you could walk in walk out and never know where you were . Shit . Tim could feel a million thoughts bubbling to the surface , but none of them were going to get him past a simple secretary . Maybe he should just run out , pretend he was in the wrong building . It was easier than looking at that smiling face and waiting for the word - puke to come out . This was a breakthrough . There was no other way to see it . His mother wanted him to find this place , wanted him to know she was going to come here . What was here ? He walked over to a plaque , covered with a few first names , the two - bird logo , and saw ' TEL elders ' . " Two - eagle league ? Twin - eagle lodge ? A million other possibilities . He could ask , except that might look strange if he was supposed to be here . He would ask a spirit , except this building seemed mostly barren . The man smiled , and looked down at the dog . " Someone 's a little protective . Hi , I 'm Ray . You said Kirsten recommended you ? " He needed to run . He needed to turn tail and bolt as soon as he could . Still , they knew his mother . His mother lead him here , and they knew anything about her . He had to stay for now . He nodded , and followed as Ray walked down a hall . The building wasn 't barren . The resonance was dark . This building had a locus , he could feel that now . It had a locus , and something was feeding on it . They walked past rooms that looked like small meeting rooms , like classrooms for children . Chalkboards , pictures of the outdoors , books piled on tables . " That 's okay , " Ray said , " If Kirsten wanted you here , that means she had her reasons . We have a history as environmentalists . Our lodge is at the forefront of the fights against Keystone , the pollution of Lake Michigan , even issues far away from Illinois . Recently we 're looking to expand , move our operations from something grassroots to something everyone in Chicago can be part of . " They went through a door , and Tim followed Ray down a thin staircase . He could feel something in the air , a sort of energy . This wasn 't just essence , it wasn 't just spirits , there was something else at play . What was his mother mixed up in ? They reached the landing , a small room . Two others were there , cleaning up damage . Was there a fight here ? He could smell it , blood was shed , recently , just days ago ? Was she there ? He could smell her in the mess , an old scent . It wasn 't quite mom , something was different . " Who is this ? " Said one of the men with a large broom in hand . This place , it wasn 't some environmentalist room . The center of the room , it had a large circle curved into the concrete foundation . A strange character was drawn there . It was repeated on the walls , crystals hung from the walls . It looked like a sort of tribal spiritualism , mixed with new age nonsense . Still , the power here was real . " You 've barked up the wrong tree , " Ray said , shrugging , " Uratha . " Who was Skyblossom ? Why would mother call herself Skyblossom ? " Tell me what you know about Kirsten English , " Tim said , putting his backpack down , " And I 'll let you keep going . " Claimed . Their bodies latched onto by terrible spirits . He couldn 't tell what they were , possibly magath . It infested them , a sick essence that leaked at the seams . The whole room was tainted with it . Why would his mom ever be here ? What was she hiding ? Ray 's arm started to twist and meld , until it became sharp like a knife . The others dropped their tools , and their bodies also began to warp . " Fine , " Tim whispered . He had a name now , that was enough , a new start . He could feel his body warping , the panic and anger gripping his heart as it exploded in size . He shook his head , and his shades fell away to reveal an eye misted with a field of stars . His whole body pulsed with muscle , his mind retreating in the face of the monster he was letting loose . This was their choice . A better Uratha might have had control . In the chaos that ensued , they might have been reserved and taken their time . The twisted spirits might have gained an upper - hand in those moments of hesitation . Tim didn 't let that happen . They weren 't powerful spirits , or particularly smart . They wanted to outnumber him , but he overpowered them . His claws ripped into sinew , and his jaws bit deep into their twisted flesh . They became more monstrous as the fighting continued , and Tim responded in kind . The chaos they were cleaning up was renewed , blood spread on the walls , claw marks across the occult symbols . When he finished , only one was still breathing , lying in a mess on the floor . " Come , " Tim said . The dog bounded to his side . They started back up the steps . As they made their way back to the front desk , Tim noticed the girl hiding behind the counter . Maybe he would txt Levi . Still , there was something he didn 't understand . The Claimed on the floor , he wasn 't taunting Tim with his silence . That look on his face when Skyblossom was brought up again , it was fear . A spirit so afraid of his mom they would stay silent and be destroyed ? I almost forgot to post fiction , on Saturday . What a travesty that would have been . Another Werewolf fiction , coming at you . This one featuring our group 's favorite little alpha in training , Sylvia . Sylvia walked out of the community center with her phone in hand . She waved goodbye to some of the kids , and then headed toward her car . It was the middle of the day now , she had the whole evening ahead of her . She could spend some of that heading back to her apartment on the Northside , or see what Kimiko was up to , or go on a run , or maybe Tessa wanted to chat . Jennifer 's hands came down on Sylvia 's wrist . She squeezed tight until the keys slipped free and fell to the concrete . When Sylvia looked up , Jennifer still had that same expression . " You 're in my territory , " Jennifer said , " I told you before . Your pack is gone , you gave up your claim . This is my pack 's land now . " Ever since they all broke up , Sylvia was the only one really left in town . Sure Mike and Cam came by to visit family , but then they were gone just as fast . Then Jennifer stuck her fat nose into everything . " You mean your dad 's pack ? " Sylvia said . She regretted it as soon as she said it . Unfortunately , the thought just popped up , and came out of her mouth . Jennifer was always so sensitive about everything . She was supposed to be evil , Sylvia had to be careful . She jumped into her car , and as Jennifer stood there brooding , she drove off into central Naperville . It was a nice day , the wind kept her cool , and she could relax . At least , it was close to relaxing . Every time she thought about it all , she got twisted up inside . It felt like she was going to puke , or cry , or both . She missed the past , which is weird because it included a lot of scary stuff , and nearly dying . Going to college was the last idea on her mind then , and here she was . That smell . It was like , dust , fungus , strange wood . She got out of her car , and walked around to the roadside . There was a small bit of woods there , and she knew if she followed it west , it would keep going until it hit a reserve . She looked both ways , and then covered her face with both hands before she started walking forward . There was the small snap and shift as her nose changed into a snout . She sniffed again , and got even more . This wasn 't normal , whatever it was . At the same time , it was a little familiar . When she was far enough from the road , she pulled out her phone and looked at it . She took a deep breath , stuffed it back in her pocket , and hunched forward . The ripple of the change went through her . It was a lot like shrinking , with the world rushing away from her , and finding yourself with a new perspective . Her paws were damp from the grass . She could feel her sharp teeth locked in place . She was free , loose , a full wolf . She shook her fur , walked in a circle , and then sniffed at the ground . Whatever it was , whoever , they had walked this way . She let out a small bark as she started to run . The wind rushed past her , the trees brushed against her . Occasionally , she stopped and sniffed again . Male , a little older than her , hurt ? It had the smells of the city , but not , a little too country . She charged forward again , sniffing at the air , feeling a change in the winds . Whoever it was , they were up ahead . It wasn 't the first time a strange scent popped up in Naperville . Hopefully this one wasn 't a rat - monster , or some weird spirit . Those kinds of things were hard to deal with , and sometimes she just had to leave them alone . It wasn 't like she was a pack all by herself . Well , she kind of was . When she got close , she felt something new . Her fur was standing on end , there was power here . Magic stuff , Tim 's stuff . She looked between the trees , There was a big boulder there , large enough to have a few other rocks in the same outcropping . It looked like someone had cleared it of trees once , maybe they used it as a little ritual circle , or just a campsight . There in front of it was a guy , cross - legged . He was sitting in a pattern dug in the grass , almost like a large symbol . She could hear it , he was whispering . The guy turned around . When their eyes met , for a moment , the guy wasn 't all there . It was like he was looking through her , his eyes just ornaments in his head . Then he shook his head , and started to fidget . he stood up and backed against the rock . He was a rabbit shifter . They met him before , trying to steal from one of those crazy spider - creatures . He almost died last time , and then he said he was never coming back . Except , now here he was . She remembered , he smelled hurt . Now that she looked at him , in his dirty jeans and some beat up shirt , he just looked like a hitchhiker . He didn 't seem hurt . Well , maybe a little twitchy , maybe he was emotionally hurt . Could she smell people 's depression ? She didn 't know if that was awesome or not . Sylvia turned , and saw that Jennifer was coming up behind her , with Dick Worth in tow . There was another boy there , younger even than Dick . Sylvia realized she didn 't know how big Jennifer 's pack was . Jeremy 's took a step away from the rock . He was sweating now . Last time Sylvia saw him , he was a jerk , but he at least kept his cool . Something changed , and she didn 't know what it was . Why was he so worried ? She could figure that out after she kicked Jennifer 's ass . They turned and looked at each other . There wasn 't anger there like last time , Jennifer looked concerned . She pointed to the weird stuff by the rock , and started to walk over . So far , Jennifer had only ambushed her twice in her life , not counting today . That was still a good track record . It was two to one now , but maybe she could get away if she really needed to . She walked over and kneeled by the little shrine Jeremy was building . " Maybe it is a ritual or something , " Sylvia said . Then she thought better of giving Jennifer any good ideas , " Wait , nevermind . It can 't be that right ? " Jennifer stood up , " So you don 't know anything then ? What about the others ? The little guy , Tim , maybe he could figure this out . " " That 's such a bad guy thing to do , " Sylvia said , " Just following someone into the woods . You don 't know what I was doing out here . Maybe I was jogging , or streaking . " " I know you 're just trying to help the city , " Jennifer said , " So I 'm being nice . I 'm not like my dad , I know when to put my teeth away . Still , if you stop being useful , I 'm putting you on a bus to Chicago . " She opened up a text message , " OMG , I sniffed something in NPville . You would be so proud . I nearly got killed , but it was weird , so I followed it . It was something strange , and I found Jeremy , or Jamal , whatever . He was there , and acting weird . Then guess who 1 of 2 " " Showed up ? Jennifer . She is such a bitch , but she wouldn 't fight me . I think she likes me . What if she was mad in love with me ? Wouldn 't that be weird , like a secret undying love ? I think she is good now , maybe . Whatever , her pack is helping . So I will figure it out , until you come back . Then you can help . 2 of 2 " For this Saturday , more Werewolf stories . Once again , I did some fiction work to prepare my players for more sessions . I was surprised how much they enjoyed them , so I went all the way to 4 ( with a 5th one that I haven 't finished yet ) . Here you go . Why Spatz was still doing this for him was something Levi was still trying to figure out . It was hard enough getting everything else in his life in order . At least this one thing wasn 't a problem . He didn 't have to show his face in town , which lead to the best benefit of all . " Are you hungry or something ? " Levi said , jumping up from the couch . He leaned forward for a second and hissed as pain shot through his arm . When he looked up , Spatz was watching him . Spatz liked to pretend he wasn 't observant . Levi couldn 't decide if he liked that trait , or hated it . Maybe that was part of being Meredith 's lapdog , no telling the alpha - bitch what you noticed until it was the right time . It was a message . Not exactly what he wanted to hear . It was another strange happening in Chicago , another shifter dropped out . Thankfully it wasn 't one he knew well , he was getting tired of losing friends . Instead this was just more proof of a bigger picture . He wanted to know about the smell . No wonder that woman kept Spatz around . He was completely loyal , to a fault . He was like a worried puppy , doing whatever it took to figure out why his master was sad . Levi was sure that Meredith 's biggest mistake was ordering Spatz to watch out for his pack . Levi had eyes in the woods . When someone decided to take a stroll toward him , he could make himself scarce . The problem was , his crows never saw Mr . Trenchcoat enter the forest . There was no car , or bicycle . He came out of nowhere . He looked too human to be spirit stuff , but Levi knew from experience that you never knew what was strange about someone until they let you know . Then Levi let out a loud caw , and dropped on his head . Whoever this idiot was , he didn 't expect a giant bird - man . Levi laid into him with his claws , doing whatever damage he could before the man could recover . " Okay , okay , " He said , " Magic leaves a residue . If you can see it , it is pretty easy to recognize unique signatures . Your magic is … primitive , freaky . I wanted to know why . " Levi looked at him , and thought about it . The word cages was still ringing around in his head . He knew even then that Spatz was going to be mad at him for this . Spatz nodded , and mulled it over from his seat . " We haven 't figured ours out either . The pure , the other werewolves , are acting strange . They have switched up their tactics . A lot less killing , a lot more recruiting . " Levi 's phone chimed , and he pulled it out . It was a message from Sylvia . Something was happening in Naperville , she also mentioned something about Jennifer , and undying love . Levi had trouble getting through it all without his eyes glazing over . I GM a lot of tabletop roleplaying . Well , I used to do more , but now I get into it now and again . Two years ago I ran a game of White Wolf 's Werewolf : The Forsaken . A game that is typically about scary werewolves dealing with scarier werewolves and terrifying spirits . Instead , we morphed the game to be about high school kids who had to deal with spirits while worrying about who to take to prom . That game randomly stalled and ended in 2013 . I still talk with all of the players . So when it was brought up again , I decided to do something weird . I wrote some ' fanfiction ' of our game . It was argued that it isn 't fanfiction , because I wrote the story . Still , the primary characters are not mine , so to me , outright controlling them in a short story , is odd . Here is one of those stories now , about two years after the original plot . It was impossible to focus . There were chattering voices everywhere , new scents and sounds , but that wasn 't the worst part . It was the eyes . No matter where Mike looked , everyone was looking at them . A voice boomed at the end of the Chicago dive bar . It was some biker - looking guy with a beard that needed trimming and eyes that looked bloodshot . Mike had gathered just from the time in the room that he was important , probably lead a pack of his own . A few other men in biker jackets cheered as he started to talk . Mike put a finger up to shush him . For a brief moment he could actually feel Cam get angry . He didn 't know if that was some more strange magic stuff , or if he was just that used to Cam . " This is it ! " The man shouted , " This is the night we have waited for . This is when we take back blood for blood lost , and we show our ' cousins ' what it means to be a hunter . No cheap tricks , no games , no distractions . This will be war , and they will cry to the heavens for a general worth the battle they have called down on them . " The crowd erupted around them . Mike knew a little of what they were talking about , their battles with other werewolves , the ' war in Chicago ' . It kept encroaching on Naperville , it kept pushing their little ' pack ' , if it had ever been that , until everything fell apart . There were still a pair of eyes on him , and Mike found them at the front of the room . It was a woman he knew all too well . She was sitting in one chair of three set in a line , her legs crossed and her eyes focused down on Mike . " But this fight isn 't just ours , brothers , " The beard man said , " This is for all of us here in Chicago , that is what a war is . Our packs must stand together . That 's why tonight 's hunt belongs to the first to lose a Wolf - brother , Shifting - Winds . " Somehow Mike didn 't feel like his safety was her main concern . This felt like a recruitment drive . There was food , he was being paid pointless attention . If Spatz was in an army uniform , it would be like any other army recruiter he saw at school . Meredith cleared her throat , and a silence passed over the crowd . She narrowed her eyes and looked over the room . Mike had to admit , she commanded respect from her own . As far as he knew though , she also got a lot of her own killed . Long - claw , and wasn 't there another ? At least Levi never lost anyone . " I left Chicago for a reason , " Meredith started , " It was just over 10 years ago we were at each other 's throats . We didn 't care if it was Pure , or Uratha , we went for the throat . Chicago has a history , of cutting itself apart , and then crying in the pool of blood . We are both the criminal and the victim . Except that isn 't the story of the Forsaken , or the tribes of the moon . " " When Father Wolf fell , there was chaos , and there was blood . No one , not even his first born , could set this world straight . Then the Uratha answered that call , we became the soldiers in a world with no one to defend it ! " Though her voice raised , she stood stoic . Mike could feel the energy in the room rising . Whatever they felt about Meredith , the other werewolves cared about her words . " And when there is nothing left of them , when they are nothing but a pool of blood at our feet , we will see that it was tears of pain , but the cries of joy . Because we are not victims , and we are not criminals . Brothers and sisters , we are the Uratha ! " The crowd became a party . Beers flew off the wall , cheers started spontaneously , conversations started in every corner of the room . It seemed the speeches were over , this had to be the revels . " Eech - Dubya , " the guy responded . Another guy came behind him . They both looked like they lived a tougher life than Spatz or Meredith ever had , with clothing that belonged to South Chicago rather than the suburbs of Naperville . Tim was in the city , Mike knew that . He knew what the little spirit binder was hunting for . The question was , was he making progress ? He had no way to know , he was vague on text messages , and he never answered calls . Mike didn 't bother adding . Cam always did work as a good backup alpha . Mike wasn 't here because he needed someone 's protection , he was here because he needed to figure this whole situation out . Ever since he became a werewolf , everything was chaos . He couldn 't become some lycan - drifter . What did they call it , a ghost wolf ? With Cam here , at least he had someone to talk to . Mike was trying not to imagine Shannon , running around Garfield park , being hounded by wolves . The image was so vivid in his head , the sound of clamping teeth , the look on her face as a wolf brought her to the ground . He could practically taste it as the blow came down on her neck . |
For 5 out of the last 6 nights , Janey has been awake most of the night . The problem is never falling asleep . She goes to sleep easily , between 7 : 30 and 8 : 30 . But then , around 1 or 2 , she wakes up . She wakes up completely , ready to rumble . She asks for food , videos , a bath , " go to the ice cream store " , whatever . She seems to have no idea it 's night . Nothing , I mean nothing , we can do gets her back to sleep . And so we are awake , at least one of us . We try to take turns , so that Tony and I both get some sleep . I 've of course researched this and talked about this before . I 've gotten lots of helpful ideas this way , or at least helpful in theory . 1 . Create a safe space , put Janey in there , don 't let her out , so you can sleep anyway . Our apartment is small , but with one son in college and the other mostly sleeping on the 3rd floor of our house ( the apartment is small , but the overall house is big , and we are on the 1st floor ) , we do have spare rooms . However , putting Janey in one of them alone is not an option , because of her self - injurious behavior . If she 's upset , and being alone in a room with us not answering her whims will make her upset in a short amount of time , she bites and scratches herself . No matter how empty the room is , she has the tools to hurt herself , and that is not something we can live with . Tried it . No effect , none . Nothing . Maybe it works better to get kids to sleep at night , and not for night waking , or maybe , like with a lot of medications , Janey has a very high tolerance . 3 . Other medications Janey 's new medication , Tenex , for the first few days seriously made her tired . In the daytime . But even then , not at night much . After a couple days , it doesn 't seem to be making her tired at all , which is very good news for the day , as it 's helping otherwise , but very bad news for the night . Our pediatrician said we could give Janey Benedryl when she was just not sleeping . One Benedryl and I 'm out like a light , but again - - - no effect on Janey . None . Yeah . Tried that one a million times . Janey is not terribly dependent on our encouragement through attention to keep asking us for what she wants . We can say " time to sleep " , turn off all the lights , and still , a hundred times , a thousand times , she says " Kipper ? Ice Cream ? Bacon ? TV on ? Go in the car ? Backyard ? " If we don 't answer , she starts screaming , assuming we didn 't hear . Or she cries . Or hits us . Believe me , we 've tried the no response bit for hours on end . No effect . She likes that one , but the " sleep when she 's tired " part never arrives . It just becomes a daytime routine at night - - - videos , food , jumping up and down - - - and she usually winds up staying up all night , from 2 on . And then all day , until 8 the next night . She just seems to be one of those people who doesn 't require a great deal of sleep . 6 . Punishments Like what ? No punishment that we could actually use has any effect on Janey . Time out ? That requires us to sit right there and monitor her , which she has learned to tolerate until the time out ends , at which whatever behavior started it starts right up again . No videos ? Sure . She 'll just scream , cry , bit herself , freak out , keep us up all night . That 's our most common try - - - saying to her " If you are going to be awake , no food . No videos . No entertainment " She doesn 't give up . I think this has to do with her weak sense of what is night and what is day . Sure , she thinks , we are being resistant , but eventually it 's somehow that magical time when you get breakfast again , and if she keeps asking and screaming OVER and OVER and OVER , that time will arrive . Again , like what ? Stickers on a chart to get a reward ? Janey has zero understanding of this . Promises if she will stay in bed ? She has no real wants except immediate things , and she doesn 't understand long term promises , like things that will happen in a few hours . We could say " If you stay in bed and let Mama and Daddy sleep , we will get you ice cream in the morning " She doesn 't get what morning is , she doesn 't make the connection between doing something now and getting something later . I could go on and on . I don 't want to be defeatist . I very badly want a solution here . I have a lot of hope that once school starts , her sleep will improve . The night waking still occurs during the school year , but much less . And I realize this might just be a case of her not needing the sleep we do . Maybe , I hope , in 10 years or something , she 'll be able to be left alone awake while we sleep . I have to admit , though , when we are walking around like zombies day after day from not sleeping , that thought isn 't a lot of comfort . But . . . the days are better lately . And that is great . If we were only awake to enjoy it . When the boys were little , we did a lot of little getaway trips . Not a lot of long vacations to real destinations , but quite of a lot of trips where we 'd find a cheap hotel deal and spend a few days in a new location , visiting friends or family . But for the last five years , we have taken no trips like that . None . We have not gone away as a family in that time for more than a few quick , close overnight twice . We haven 't been more than 100 miles from home as a family , or gone more than one night . About a month ago , when Janey was doing pretty well , I decided I very much wanted to try a little trip . I grew up in Maine , and Maine in the summer is a special place . I wanted Janey to at least have a day , or even an afternoon , playing outside in the Maine summer . My parents live in Maine , and I set my goal at a day at their house . I reserved a hotel about half an hour from them ( because close hotels , near the coast , are out of our price range in the summer ) , for two nights , and set aside 3 days for the trip . I wanted us to have a full day for travel both ways , although it 's about a 4 hour drive , so that if we needed to stop 50 times , we could . I wanted to have very , very few plans , so that our main focus could be on letting Janey relax and hopefully enjoy the trip . I felt like if this went well , and she saw that going away could be fun , it would be a good start to expanding our horizons a little . But if it didn 't , it might be the end of that part of our lives for a good long time . Then came the hell weeks , which you 've probably read about here . I thought over and over about cancelling the reservations . I thought there was no way that this would work , that her crying would get us kicked out of the hotel , that she would destroy my parents ' house , that her behavior in the car would make us unable to drive . However , once the new medication had shown a little promise , I thought we might as well give it a try after all . Well , I 'd call it a modest success . The ride up was quite good . Janey didn 't cry AT ALL until the last 5 miles or so ! She did sleep a lot , still tired from the medication at that point , and she wasn 't terribly smiley or happy , but she was not crying . Here 's a picture of her at a rest stop . . . having some ice cream . We made it to the hotel well before I ever thought we would - - - we only stopped about 3 times , as much for us as for Janey . I was worried how Janey would react to the hotel , but we kept talking up how we were going to go swimming as soon as we got there , and we did . . . The pool was only 4 feet deep , was outside and full of bugs and very cold , but we swam ! Janey was fairly happy to swim - - - not as excited as that sometimes makes her , but happy . We spent the rest of that day in the hotel room , just hanging out ( although I got to go out to dinner with my dear friend Julie while the rest hung out ! ) . Tony got to watch baseball with Freddy ( we don 't have cable at home to see it ) and Janey got to go about 5 times to the " chips machine " , the vending machine , and get chips . I figured that if that 's what meant vacation to her , then getting a lot of chips ( which she wasn 't really so much into eating , just getting ! ) was fine . She also enjoyed pushing the buttons on the elevator . She didn 't sleep at all well that night , though , probably from sleeping in the car a lot , but she wasn 't screaming - - - just wandering the room and enjoying some cable . The next day , we went to the hotel breakfast and then to my parents ' house , and as I had hoped , it was a beautiful day and Janey had a wonderful time outside . She was able to wander around their big , wooded yard and to walk down their dirt road , and to pick wildflowers and see all the bugs and just enjoy that smell of Maine in the summer . Here 's a few pictures . . . I wish she had been more excited or happier - - - she seemed subdued , but she wasn 't crying , mostly , and I think she was partly subdued just taking it all in . For a girl that loves outdoors , having that much of it just to look at and walk around in was probably almost overwhelming . She liked a few of the toys my mother had saved for her - - - here 's her enjoying a Clifford book on the deck . . . and overall , I felt very happy that I was able to give her that day , a tiny piece of my summers in Maine . As soon as we were all getting a little tired , we left , while everyone was still in a good mood . We went back to the hotel , and lucky me got to AGAIN go out to dinner with my friend - - - another great part of the trip , getting some time to just talk and laugh and be silly with a dear friend ! Janey slept better that night . just being the Janey in what we call her " precious " mood - - - one of the times I can 't possible imagine enjoying her more . They are rare , but I had worried the medication might take them away , make her quieter and more subdued all the time . I love my lively girl when she 's a happy lively girl ! The drive home wasn 't fantastic . I think Janey had had enough of driving , or maybe she was realizing the " jolly holiday " ( a term she picked out of a Mary Poppins sing - a - long song to define our trip ) was over . She cried a fair amount , and we stopped less - - - perhaps we should have stopped more , but I think we thought by that time just getting home would be best . Here 's a picture from one stop , with a moose . . . Janey wasn 't in the best mood , but she agreed to pose ! So I 'd say overall , a success . I wish Janey had been happier more of the time , not just not crying but actually happy , but there were certainly happy times , and we made it ! I was able to get some time out , and my parents were able to see Janey and Freddy ( this also marked our first family trip without William , as he is at college , and incidentally having a better time than he ever realized it was possible to have , by his reports ) . I think we 'll try to do it again fairly soon . It felt good to be a little back on the road again . Last week was extremely tough with Janey , peaking on Wednesday , which would been in the running for one of the worst days for her and for us ever . She was in a fury all day . She lunged at me over and over , scratched herself badly , cried without stopping - - - - it was incredibly tough . We went for a while to my friend Maryellen 's house , which Janey usually loves , but this time , she was just as unhappy there , and extended her attempts to bite to Maryellen . The evening featured both boys needing rides from places far away , and Tony took her on one of the rides , even though that made it a ride straight through hell , because he could see I was a zombie by that point . Then I watched her , and she thankfully finally fell asleep at about 7 : 15 . Tony had called her psychiatrist that day , and thankfully he was able to see us Thursday at 10 am , on an emergency basis . Usually Tony takes Janey to see him on his own , but I went this time with them . I had a feeling what would happen , and it did . He suggested we try a medication I was resistant to in the past . It 's a medication that is often used for ADHD , a high blood pressure medication that also works to slow down the system a little , as he put it , to " give her a minute to think before she acts " The main side effect , he said , was tiredness . At this point , tiredness didn 't sound like something bad . Now I 'll stop her and answer the critics that are in my head , because they speak to me louder than anyone else does . Why give Janey medication ? She already takes some , why give her more ? Why not try something else ? Aren 't I doing some kind of experiment with her , using drugs at such a young age ? Why can 't I find a behavioral way to manage her behavior ? And the underlying voice , the mean one , saying " What kind of mother are you , not to be able to handle your own little girl and to just turn to drugs to calm her down ? " Well , voices of dissent , I invite you to read a few entries of this blog written when Janey is at her worst . This isn 't annoying behavior . This is life - threatening behavior . Anyway , the medication has had mixed results . The very first day she took it , Friday , the result was sleep . Sleep most all day . I sat next to her all day , making sure she was okay otherwise . I think she 'd been operating on a huge sleep deficit - - - I know we were . She slept Friday night fairly well too , and Saturday , slept much less ( I had read the tiredness usually wears off quickly ) and was generally in a better mood . There were still outbursts , but they were muted . Sunday , yesterday , was the huge big day for us . Tony and I took William to college ( and a huge shoutout to him here ! My baby boy , in college ! ) and Freddy watched Janey for eight hours . If Janey had not been a little better due to the medicine , I would not have left Janey with him , and I would have missed seeing William off , as I 've missed so many milestones in his life . I 'm very glad I was able to be with him . And Freddy 's report on Janey ? She was " great " . She did sleep a couple hours , but those hours were made up for last night , when she was up from pretty much 1 am on . So not such a great result from the medication in terms of regulating her sleep . As I write now , she 's been napping about an hour also . I 'm not sure if this medication is right long term , but we had to try it . The psychiatrist mentioned that in the mid - term future , we will probably be looking at mood stablelizers for her . I know what that means . I know children are no longer diagnosed as bi - polar , but if they were , I know Janey would be so diagnosed . Her cyclical highs and lows are very , very , very pronounced . I know , from a cousin and a friend 's husband that are / were bipolar , or manic - depressive , that it 's one of the closest to being purely medical of the psychiatric diseases . It is not treatment , well anyway , without medication , from what I have seen ( and they were both severe , severe cases ) If Janey is bipolar in addition to her other challenges , I will welcome medication at the age that becomes appropriate . And so we go on . We are trying . I don 't know if I am doing the right thing or not . I never do . I only know I have to try , to try to help Janey live a decent and meaningful life , and to stay alive myself as I do so . I 'm trying to think of a way to describe Janey 's behavior this week , and the title of this post is what I came up with . She 's not doing anything she hasn 't before , but everything is done in a bigger way - - - louder screaming , more violent reactions to being told no , more hysterical laughter , bigger acts of destroying things around the house , more night waking - - - - it 's like she just decided to kick it all up a notch . It 's been pretty tough , to put it mildly . It 's hard because this is probably the most unstructured week of our year . No summer school , regular school doesn 't start until September 4th ( and believe me , that date is circled in red on my calendar ) , Tony is at work , we are just hanging out . And I had planned to try very hard to take Janey places , to keep her occupied , but when she is acting the way she has been , I can 't do it alone . Literally . I can 't handle it alone when she runs away from me , when she decides she wants her clothes off , when she starts screaming and lunging to bite me , when she scratches herself until she draws blood - - - it 's not a one person job . Even taking her in the back yard is getting tougher , as she suddenly gets unhappy there and freaks out , and does the clothes off routine , which she knows means we have to go inside . I 'm starting to wonder if she 's using it as a way to tell me she wants to go inside , instead of just saying that , which she can say easily , but what am I supposed to do if she is ? Let her stay outside without clothes ? No . Yesterday we did get out , by taking William with us . He is leaving for college on Sunday , and we are piecing together shopping for that . Janey did fairly well with him there , but that was by means of him whisking her away the minute she got crazy , for escalator rides or quick walks . And by means of literally grabbing the first 3 towels I saw to buy William . We then went to ToysRUs , which she enjoys looking around at . However , she quickly found a toy she took an immense liking to , a hugely overpriced electronic counting Elmo toy . It has flashing lights and an annoying song - - - what else could you want ? She has some birthday money , and I had hoped she 'd like something else , but she now knows what the checkout counter is for , and pulled me over to it so we could make the gadget ours . Time used up - - - about 10 minutes - - - leaving many hours left in the day to fill . I made some calls to try to get something started to help all this . I got a referral done by my pediatrician to get Janey seen at Boston Medical Center , which I am told has a good autism program . We have an appointment in October for just Tony and me , to do intake . I also made a sooner appointment for myself with a new rheumatologist , to try to get some health answers so I am better able to handle things . Tony is going to call Janey 's psychiatrist today , to see if we can adjust her medication . We are doing what we can , but there is honestly not that much that can be done . There are times when her behavior is such that one 's instinct would be to take her to the emergency room . If it were something physical wrong with her , and she was showing symptoms of the severity of the ones she is showing , I bet I 'd get very quick and wonderful care . But I 've read enough accounts of people in desperation taking their melting down autistic kids to the ER to know it 's a waste of time . Which is , of course , a crying shame . My theory as to why things have gotten worse , besides the unstructured time - - - Janey is getting closer to puberty , and I know how that affects any girl . She is rapidly getting stronger , and bigger , and she is frustrated , I am sure , with her limited speech and independence . During calmer times this summer , she was showing me in many ways she wants a little more freedom from me - - - the tiny bits she can have , like sometimes walking without holding hands , like being in a different room - - - she actually said one day " I want privacy " - - - a concept I was surprised she understood . But if I let her even go into the bathroom by herself , she wrecks havoc - - - towels in the toilet , water overflowed , all the toothpaste squeezed out - - - even as she is getting better at using the toilet on her own . How do I figure this out ? What can I do ? I think I 'm scared of a point arriving when Janey truly starts hurting me . That is very hard to say . But she is more often lunging at me with her mouth open , wanting to bite me . The other day , angry I didn 't change her Netflix show quickly enough , she smashed the remote on my wrist , and I feared for a minute it was broken . What do I do about this ? Lots of questions here , which are of course mostly rhetorical . There aren 't answers . All I can do is hope that Janey gets through this phase and back to the one she was in previously , when she was a delight and I felt a lot of hope . I need that hope . This morning , Janey went to the respite house , which we are calling " The Treat House " . They did a trip to the aquarium , then to the beach , then back to play outside . Janey seemed happy to be going there , and happy when Tony picked her up . The respite lasts from 8 - 2 . We were lucky enough to get a scholarship for the rest of the year for their Saturday program , which otherwise would cost $ 65 a day and be a little out of range . It takes us about half an hour to drive to where it is , so it gives us 5 hours outside of the driving on days she goes , which I guess will be about twice a month ( they have 3 Saturday programs a month , but I 'm figuring on average only 2 of them will be something we think Janey would like ) . 10 hours might not seem like a lot in a month , but once we settle into it and really believe we have it , which still seems hard to believe right now , I think it will be a big help to us as a family . Today , unlike the first two times , we didn 't attempt a meal out with the boys ( that was getting expensive ) - - - Tony did housework and I put a few things on ebay . It 's surprisingly relaxing to work when you know you won 't be interrupted every few minutes by hysterical crying . Tony and Freddy are now out for a rare treat - - - a Red Sox game . They got free tickets , and I think they are enjoying themselves even though the tickets are in one of those spots Fenway Park is famous for - - - an obstructed view seat , which means just like it sounds like it means - - - you can 't really see the field . But you are there ! William has gone as our sole family representative at a party we were all invited to , and Janey and I are here . It 's been - - - tiring . I start times like this with all kinds of resolutions to keep Janey happy . We went in the wading pool , we read together , I watched a video with her , and then she started freaking out , for no reason I can figure out . REALLY freaking out , as she does lately - - - scratching herself until she has welts , screaming the same nonsense sound over and over , trying hard to bite herself and me , flinging things - - all that . At the same time , predictably , my afternoon tiredness kicked in . I think being Janey 's mother alone could cause it , but it also is caused by the one autoimmune disorder I have been formally diagnosed with , Sjogren 's Syndrome , and the other two that blood test show I probably have , but which I don 't yet have all the symptoms of , lupus and scleroderma . Just for fun , I also have a severely underactive thyroid , which I 'm taking about as high a dose of replacement as you can take , after having my dose raised over and over . So the tiredness - - - yeah . It 's pretty bad . Times like this feel very , very , very , very tough . The morning 's respite feels a million hours ago , and I feel like I am not grateful enough for it . I struggle to stay awake , and not just awake but alert - - - alert to Janey 's self - destructive behavior , to her grabbing every food around to take a few bites of and then throw the rest on the floor and step on , to her pulling stuffing out of the couches , to her taking off her clothes over and over , to the possibility of her using the floor or furniture as a toilet . . . to all of that . And so , what is my point ? I guess it is that I feel guilty . I feel guilty that taking care of my own child is so tough . I feel like I should just be feeling grateful I had respite this morning , that she went to 6 weeks of summer school , that she will soon be starting school again , and still , just an afternoon and evening alone with her is so hard . I am angry at my own body , for feeling old and tired , for having stupid disorders that make me tireder . I am guilty feeling when I read blogs about people that homeschool autistic kids , that seem to have it all together , although in my realistic moments I know that even among autistic kids , Janey is tougher than most , and that what goes in a blog doesn 't tell the whole story . I am my own toughest critic . I feel like a failure for not having " cured " Janey , although I would be the very first to say autism isn 't curable , and to tell any other mother that such a guilt feeling is one they should banish from their minds for good . I know once I sleep , once I get a bit more housework done , once I have a chance to regroup , I will be able to take a more positive , proactive stance . But in the meantime , thank you to each and every one of you for again being there when I need to talk . Janey is nine today . Most other years , on her birthday I wrote sort of a summing up of how she was doing . Today , though , I thought I 'd write more about her birthday itself , as a way to share the ups and downs of special days with a child with autism . The last few days , I 've been talking a lot to Janey about her birthday , trying to get her prepared . I knew they were having a party for her at summer school , as it was her last day there and her birthday , and I wanted her to get used to the idea . I sang her the birthday song quite a bit , which she sometimes has a hard time with , as do very many kids on the spectrum . I think with Janey , part of it is that the song is often sung off - key , and that upsets her a lot . But it 's also a time when all attention is focused on her , and that can be too hard , too . I decided I wanted Janey 's birthday to be as low - key as possible , and wanted to do things she would enjoy all day . The time while she was at school , I planned to focus on her brother , who shares her birthday . He turned 16 today , and I always want to make sure his birthday is special as well as Janey 's . As their needs are obviously very different , it can make for some tough decisions . Janey started the day in a mood . She didn 't like the clothes I tried to put on her , and threw a tantrum and screamed . I decided what clothes she wore was less important than her having a calm day , so I let her choose her clothes herself , and she made a pretty nice choice , and was happy by the time we left for school . . . While she was at school , the rest of us went to the mall , and got Freddy his present , a couple pairs of sneakers . I managed also to get a few presents for Janey , at a nice store at the mall called Marbles , the Brain Store . I went there because I 'd read they have a lot of toys that work well for autistic kids , and they did - - - most for higher functioning kids , but I got Janey a very cool circle of wooden balls of various colors , which is sort of a big fidget toy , and also a wooden robot that can be folded up into a square . No pieces to lose with either , they look nice and they are something she can play around with . I felt very happy to find them . Then we went to pick up Janey , and it seemed she had a great day . They really did it up for her ! Here 's a picture . . . of Janey with her teacher and one of her paraprofessionals . They gave her cake , pizza , a balloon , a bag of presents - - - she is a lucky girl ! She left the school happily , walking along with Freddy , her birthday twin . Then we went to a friend 's house . She wanted to give a present to Janey and Freddy . That was probably the high point of Janey 's day , as she loved the present , a giant pillow ( thanks , Christine ! ! ) . She was happy there , but we just stayed a short time as we were headed to the store for cake . Janey was good at the store and picked out her own cake , and we headed home for a little family party with just us and Janey 's uncle . That is when things started to go downhill . I guess Janey had had enough birthday . I think she was tired , and just wanted cake without all the ceremony . We did the candles and sang , and I tried to get a picture of Janey as we sang . I have always vowed not to take pictures of Janey as she cries , but this time , it just happened . I have been trying to decide whether to put this picture on here , and decided I would . I 've always tried to be honest when writing , and Janey 's screaming and sadness are a huge part of her life . It would seem kind of untrue to her to only post happy or neutral pictures . So here 's Janey , very sad about the birthday song and candles . . . Janey actually cheered up a good deal in just a minute after that , when it was finally time to have the cake . She likes blowing out candles , and she did her best , with Freddy helping too , as they shared a cake for the first time ever ! ( I got a second cake for Freddy to have at a party with his friends later this weekend ) After the cake , Janey had had it . We were upstairs at my brother - in - laws for the cake , so I took her downstairs . She screamed and cried for quite a while . Finally I thought to say to her " Your birthday is all over now ! " which is not what you 'd think the birthday girl would want to hear , but she looked hugely relieved ! It 's so hard to know how to handle occasions like birthdays with Janey . I wonder sometimes if it were just Janey 's birthday , and not Freddy 's too , if I would choose to almost not celebrate it , or keep it so low key as to almost not be detectable . But somehow that doesn 't seem like the right thing to do . I want Janey to have memories of a cake , of presents ( I gave her the presents just a little bit ago , unwrapped as she prefers , and she looked them over , but wasn 't quite ready to be interested in them ) She certainly loved the pillow , and the cards she got , and she seemed to like the party at school . Maybe overall she didn 't cry much more than a lot of days lately , but it felt like more because I had been wanting so much to make it just a happy day for her . But that is often impossible . I guess I just can do what I always try to do - - - do the best I can and hope for the best . Happy Birthday , my sweet nine year old girl ! Posted by This evening , Janey craved some ice cream , as she often does . Tony and the boys were off to a concert , the first big concert the boys have been to , so it was ladies night here , and I decided we 'd have ice cream for our ladies night . We walked to the corner store . Believe me when I say that it 's not really an upscale place . Tonight was a vivid illustration of that . The people hanging around outside the store were people you usually only see in movies when they want to show that something very scary is about to happen , or that you are in a very , very bad neighborhood . But Janey wanted her ice cream , and my fear of how she 'd react if we turned around far outweighed any nervousness about the folks outside the store . As we got close to the door , one of the lowlife looking guys rushed over and opened it for us , and gave Janey a little bow . When we got in , several other interesting looking people started shouting toward the cashier . I braced myself for some demand for money , but instead they were asking him if there were any rules about how many squirts of syrup you could put in a slushie ( if you are interested , there are no limits on that ) . Janey took a long time to pick out her ice cream , as she doesn 't like to rush important decisions , and a woman that looked very much like she might be involved in a very old profession was waiting to get ice cream , but when I told Janey we needed to hurry it up , she said " No rush at all , honey , let the little sweetie take her time " So we did . Finally , ice cream in hand , we went to check out . The cashier smiled a huge smile and said " Hey , I know that girl ! Hi , there , darling ! " I said " yes , she 's a regular " and he laughed and laughed and said " We are always happy to see her ! " I asked Janey to say thank you , which she sort of did , and we were on our way . Walking home , I was fighting back happy tears . Janey certainly wasn 't acting " normal " in the store . She was making her sounds , and jumping up and down , and waving her arms about , and in general not acting at all the way you 'd expect an almost 9 year old girl to act . But the people there treated her with kindness and respect . And I thought how that 's pretty much the only way I judge people any more . If you are good to Janey , if you are kind to her and accept her and treat her well , I see you as a good person . Maybe that 's too simplistic . But I can 't think of a much better gauge . I 'm not very religious , but from somewhere , from some long ago Sunday school lesson or sermon , I recalled a Bible verse . I looked it up , and it 's Matthew 25 : 40 , which says " And the King shall answer and say unto them , Verily I say unto you , Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren , ye have done it unto me . " It 's referring to feeding the hungry , and clothing those without clothes , and visiting prisoners , but I don 't think it 's a stretch to apply it to being kind to another kind of " least of these brethren " , those like Janey , with autism and intellectual disabilities . How we treat people who , although I don 't like to think of them as " less " , are different than us - - - that seems like a pretty good way to judge people . And you just never know . Today reminded me of that . Another time , the person going out of their way to be good to Janey might be a millionaire , or a grumpy teenager , or a fellow classmate , or anyone else . Whoever they are , I thank them , from the bottom of my heart . Although this summer has been tough in many ways with Janey , I 'm realizing it 's also been a summer of huge progress . The two may be connected . The last week has seen a big decrease in the screaming and crying , and I 'm able to relax a little and take stock of what Janey has been doing , and it 's quite encouraging ! First , her speech . She has been talking in ways we haven 't heard before , or have heard only on very rare occasions . A few examples - - - the other day , Tony took Freddy and Janey to Chipolte on the way home from getting Freddy at work . After they ate ( and Janey was good for eating , progress in itself ! ) , Janey said " Do you want me to clear the table ? " All mouths dropped open ! That 's usually what one of us says after a meal there , but who would have ever guessed she 'd say it ! Tony gave her some napkins to clear , which made her very happy . Another time we were all in the car , discussing our favorite foods ( not an uncommon topic in our food obsessed family ) . All of a sudden , Janey yelled out " Indian chicken ! " She actually joined the conversation and told us her favorite food ! A few nights ago , she craved some Chinese rice ( fried rice ) and Tony ordered some . We all walked to the square near us to pick it up , and on the way home , Janey jumped up and down excitedly and said " I 'm almost having Chinese rice ! " I know I 've NEVER heard her use a word like " almost " correctly before . We were thrilled . Janey has also started to seem to differentiate between family members more than ever before . Usually in the past , it seemed like we were fairly interchangeable to her . But this summer , we have been assigned roles . If Janey wants Netflix or a video , only I am able to put it on . But if she wants food , that 's Daddy 's job . Last night as I opened the fridge , she sneaked out a jar of mayonnaise , and immediately took it over to Daddy to see if he 'd give her some , sliding past my attempt to grab it . She knew he was far more likely to give in on that one than I was . She has also been calling the boys by name . The other day , William came into the back yard where she was playing , and she called out loudly " Hi , William ! " which made him very happy ! Janey is also showing an interest in drawing and writing , which is totally new . She has never drawn anything recognizable , but she might come by that naturally , as neither have I , really ! But I got her a sketch pad the other day , which she was eager to use . Below is the very first thing she wrote in it . . . Yes , it 's a J ! I was so happy . You can see an example of my artwork in this next picture , where I asked Janey to put the mouth on a face . . . ( I drew the face , and Janey drew the mouth ) Lastly , Janey is showing signs of wanting more independence . This one is harder for me to accept . For her whole life , Janey has held my hands when outside anywhere but in our own driveway or back yard . She has been just too prone to running away or doing impulsive things for me to let go . However , lately she is constantly dropping my hand and wanting to walk on her own . I started giving in , slowly at first , but I 'm realizing something amazing - - - she is staying with me ! She 's walking on her own at my pace ! It still makes me very nervous , but she is almost 9 , and it makes sense she wants to not always be holding my hand . She loves to do things like walk along a crack in the sidewalk or run her hands along trees or walls , and now she can do that . This morning , as we walked to summertime school , we got to a place where we have to walk next to buses . This is where I usually grab Janey 's hand , and as I was about to , she took my hand . It showed me she is aware of safety and her surrounding more than she ever was , and knew we were in an area she needed help with . Today has felt a lot better than yesterday . Janey has cried a little less , but a lot of it is just me trying very hard not to be negative . When she cried some this afternoon , I worked hard to keep my voice upbeat , and said as cheerily as I could " Let me know when you ready what is upsetting you or what you need , and I 'll help " and I walked away a bit . A few times she did ( cheese , go outside ) but other times she just cried a while and then stopped . And I kept my sanity . Going outside is Janey 's favorite thing , with the possible exception of music . She loves to be in the back yard . This afternoon , I took a bunch of pictures of her , for fun and to show what DOES make her happy , as so much of this blog is about what DOESN ' T make her happy ! Our back yard isn 't a showplace , but it 's fairly good sized for a city yard . It 's on a slope , which doesn 't bother Janey - - - she likes running up and down the little hill . The times when Janey is outside , making up her own games and just enjoying nature , are the times she most reminds me of myself as a girl . That 's what I did , every available moment . I love seeing Janey play in a way I completely can relate to ! And here 's a few bonus pictures . The first shows a habit that Janey does all the time - - - pulling on the side of her eye . I 'd be curious if any other girls ( or boys ) with autism do this . And here 's a picture of Janey 's toes . Ignore the dirty feet - - - this is after running around barefoot ! What I wanted to point out there is the left foot ( which is to the right in the picture ! ) , how the 2nd and 3rd toes are mildly joined , like they have a common root . They sometimes also overlap . I 've looked this up , and saw it was connected to a few genetic things , and I was wondering if any of your kids have toes like hers ? Readers of this blog have told me that they like it that I am honest . I do always try to be honest , but I also try to not be constantly downbeat . I 've been wanting to write today , but resisting , as I feel like I 've been too negative lately . I tried hard to wait until I felt more positive to write , or to filter out the negative and write only about the positive - - - how Janey went to the respite house for 6 hours on Saturday and seemed to do fairly well , how there was slightly less crying this weekend , how today she got a good report from summertime school . However , I 'm going tonight to one of my reasons I wrote about recently for blogging - - - to be a sort of diary , to use when I am needing to write it all out . So here goes - - - I 'm feeling incredibly trapped lately . Not trapped in the way that I want out of my life , or marriage , or any of that . Trapped literally in the house . This trapped feeling comes from how incredibly hard it is to take Janey anyplace , at least on my own , and how her needs keep me from getting away for any significant time . I am feeling like the walls are closing in , and a lot of factors are working together to make it near impossible to kick that feeling . Part of it is it being summer . I grew up in Maine , where summer is the glory of the year . I even then wasn 't a summer person , but I spent nearly all my time outside . I walked in the woods , swam in the ocean , read in a cluster of tall grass , went on little trips to the beach or to get ice cream ( which living on a peninsula meant usually a drive to Rockland , a good half hour to get there ) , walked to the candy store 3 miles away - - - I was on the go . That is the kind of summer I wish my kids could have . My boys do , in the urban way . They are very good at using public transit , and they can get wherever they want by bus and train and subway , and they do . But Janey ? Taking her anyplace is so tough . Today after school , I wanted so much not to just go home . But Janey has been in screaming mode , and thinking of a place to take her was an impossible task . Sometimes she will tolerate the grocery store , but we didn 't really need groceries , and quite frankly , that wasn 't what I had in mind . I considered a park or playground . Playgrounds just don 't work , as Janey is now considerably bigger than playground age , and with her noises and lack of ability to socialize , it turns into a starefest , and Janey doesn 't enjoy herself anyway - - - not worth it . Boston has a lot of nice parks . The problem there is dogs . A nice park attracts dog walkers , and Janey is terrified of dogs . Quite a few times , I 've tried a great park near us , and wound up just dealing with a screaming Janey or a paralyzed with fear Janey . Most of the dog owners are nice enough , but many of them also ignore the leash laws aPart of it is also the social isolation that autism brings . When the boys were little , I often got together with friends and their kids . The kids would play , the friend and I would talk . It was great . But Janey has no friends like that . And I feel like I 've gone from having friends that I could spend time with to having friends that I rarely see , because both the friends and I understand that a visit with Janey involved is not a visit . It 's a shared child care time . Janey will destroy their house , find anything non - childproofed , scream , wet on their floor , grab food - - - I wouldn 't have me over either . I talk to friends on the phone , but the long leisurely get - togethers - - - they never happen . I miss them . And part of it , I need to admit , is me . I don 't feel up to the challenge of taking Janey places . I am tired all the time , from her not sleeping . I can 't run fast enough to catch her if she got away . I have a very hard time with the stares , and the stares always happen . It is easier , at least physically , to mostly stay home . But mentally , it takes a toll . This afternoon , I felt I just couldn 't stay home another minute . I begged Freddy , who wasn 't working , to go with us someplace , any place . Freddy wanted to shop for shoes . So off we went . As soon as we got in the store , Janey started crying and screaming . I tried hard to ignore it . I walked her around , had her look at mirrors , talked to her . But the screaming got louder and louder , and it was impossible for us to shop , to say nothing of anyone else in there . We left within 5 minutes . In the car , I opened up to Freddy more than I usually do about how discouraged I felt . I try not to do that with the boys , ever . They need as close to a normal life as they can get . But I felt bad for him , not being able to do such a basic thing , I felt bad for Janey , being so tortured by whatever demons torture her that she couldn 't tolerate a normal store and I felt bad for me . I mostly , at that moment , felt very bad for me . Which I 'm not proud of . I long to put Janey in the car and drive - - - drive to some faraway place . My fantasies don 't allow me to drive away on my own . I can 't do that . But I wish I could take Janey and escape this house , this life , even for a day or two . I wish the autism was something I could leave at home , not for good , because Janey 's autism is part of her . But for a few days . I wish I could have just a little , little , little vacation from the autism , for Janey and for me . Posted by I won 't lie - - - the last week has been a tough one . Janey has been crying a great deal , and has starting with the biting of her arm again , and added a new fun one in - - - scratching herself badly . I cut her nails short , and at summertime school , they are keeping a jacket on her all the time for the arm biting ( they have AC ) but the crying - - - it 's tough . We really don 't know what 's up . It 's probably just one of those swings Janey has at times - - - a bad few weeks , a good few weeks , a great few weeks , a hellish few weeks - - - and we are never sure why . But today , there were a few small triumphs , in the middle of a day of screaming and crying . The first was a good library trip . Last time at the library , which I wrote about , Janey had a fit . Today , after picking her up at school , I told her right away we were going to the library , but I was going to just get books at the desk this time , no walking into the stacks . I also told her if she could be a good girl in the library , we 'd get a treat at the CVS , whatever she wanted ( the CVS is next to the library ) . Janey cried most of the way to the library , so I wasn 't hopeful . But once we got in there , she truly held it together and didn 't cry at all , and stayed with me and was perfect . So off to the CVS we went . I was thinking that one nice thing about Janey vs . " normal " 8 year olds is that I CAN tell her she can get whatever she wants at the store , because she won 't decide that what she wants is all the toys , or a hugely expensive odd thing like an " as seen on TV " wonder knife or something . She walked right in to the store to the area where the chips are , and for the first time I remember , didn 't immediately grab the thing she wanted . She stood and looked at all the chips for quite a while , and then picked a bag of sour cream and onion ones . I felt like she really understood the whole deal - - - the behaving at the library , the treat and even the picking out of the treat . It felt nice . When we got home , I had some packing of books I 'd sold that I very much needed to do . I put on The Goofy Movie for Janey , her current favorite , but after watching it a bit , I turned to see she was out of sight . I was in the middle of taping something , and actually finished the taping - - - a risky 20 seconds or so - - - and then went to find Janey . I found her in the bathroom , and I started looking right away for her usual mischief - - - toilet paper all over , toothpaste squeezed out , her trying to take a bath with clothes on - - - but inside , she saw she was wiping herself , after very , very successfully using the big girl potty for what sometimes becomes a Even though most every moment not described here consisted of crying , I decided to take a risk and go to the post office with her , as I had things that very much needed mailing . I told her that if she could be good at the post office , we 'd get a doughnut . That was probably too much for today . She cried most of the time at the post office , even though it was very quick there and the clerk knows her well and was very sweet to her . When we got out , she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said " David Donald Do ? Dreamed a dozen donuts and a duck dog too ? " which is a quote from Dr . Seuss 's ABCs . I got her the doughnut , mostly for understanding what she was supposed to be doing and what the reward was , which is a step forward . I have been trying , in one of my many tries at a new way of thinking or a new strategy , to see the crying as just a background thing - - - not something that has to be fixed or dealt with right away . A few times today , I told Janey to try hard to calm down , and then walked away to give her a minute or two to do so . That goes against so much of what is my instinct , but it seemed like she was trying . I praised her a lot for even a minute of non - crying . Maybe I 'm able to see the good in today because it 's the weekend , Tony is home for a few days to help , and Janey is going to the respite house for 6 hours tomorrow . I 'm going to keep trying to pick out the good from even the tougher days . Posted by I am a mother of 3 - - - two boys , ages 22 and 19 , and a daughter , age 12 . I have been married for 24 years . My daughter Janey was diagnosed at age 3 with autism , and she is the focus of my blog . I 've created a Facebook group as a companion to this blog , as a place to be able to get to know all of you better ! If you 'd like to join , it 's also called Rarer in Girls . I want to thank everyone who reads this blog . You help me get through every day . We went to the beach yesterday , and had a great day , overall . It 's wonderful when we can enjoy ourselves while Janey is too . I worked . . . On Saturday , I was part of a very special wedding . I was the matron of honor for my dear friend Julie as she married Craig . These was a lo . . . |
I was up and dressed and had some of the kiddos fed while the last minute stragglers were still getting dressed . I was going to make some scones for breakfast but that sounded like too much work , then thought about baked oatmeal , but decided that a bowl of cereal would be quicker . Matthew was outside taking care of the animals . Kinda a yucky morning , freezing rain . His brother stopped by to pick up his parents car that we had borrowed the other day , and his wife came in to say hi . She had on a new sweater , that I love ! Very nice ! I told her so too . She said go to Target , they have a bunch on sale . . . I think I see a trip to Target in my very near future . I love sweaters ! They have so many nice ones these days . Anyways . . . went on a little bunny trail there . We got rid of our rooster who doesn 't crow , but we don 't want any babies , and got a new one for the winter who is super small . Smaller then a bantam , not really sure what kind he is , but we 'll see if he makes it with our big girls . I 'll try to get a picture of him on here . Another bunny trail . . . I found the new book I want to read on my counter that I was trying to clean off , while washing the milk pails , I sat down and started to read a few pages . I then realized I had told the kiddos to make there beds and brush their teeth , and that I hadn 't done either yet , so off I went to do that . While down there I saw that the towels needed to be washed so I started the laundry , moved things around on my bed so I could make it . Then dumped the clean clothes on my bed and started folding them . Then I remembered that I hadn 't finished washing the milk pails and probably should go do that . But first I needed to fill up the water buckets and get them outside so Matthew could water the animals . Our outside water was frozen . Once the buckets were outside I washed the last of the milk pails . I went back to the wash and put the clothes in the dryer , started another load , folded the clothes I didn 't get folded yesterday , and put them in the kiddos rooms so they could put them away , Ever have one of those mornings where you just can 't seem to get going ? That 's been me all morning . I 'm not holding out much hope for the rest of the afternoon ! ! I think I need another cup of coffee or a nap ! ! Yesterday was 50 degrees ! Not very seasonal for us . Usually a lot colder then that ! I 'll take it though ! We got a Christmas snow storm and got a inch or two , then we got heavy rain and away went the snow ! Along with some wind ! Yikes ! We got some wind . Then the nice day , it cooled off quick in the evening though down to about 9 degrees . I was able to get the horses stall cleaned out . There was some frozen poo in there and I was able to get it all cleaned out . I know if I had been on the ball and not procrastinated and just cleaned it out I never would have had that problem . But I didn 't want to go outside and do it , and I was busy cooking stuff for Christmas , yeah that 's it ! ! Farm life is slower . Just daily chores and lugging water . Don 't get me wrong that all takes time too ! I 'm glad for the change of pace in farming right now . A nice break from the faster pace of spring , summer and fall ! Today I started cleaning up my house and trying to " catch " up on some of the house work that I get behind on during home school . We have a wood stove and it 's very easy to get behind on the dusting . Everything gets a nice coat of " fire dust " on it in no time . I had the kiddos help with " winter cleaning " instead of " spring cleaning . " Actually I have 4 seasonal cleaning sprees . Plus all the regular stuff . Then you add all the Christmas stuff . . . things just need a good clean up . Tomorrow all the Christmas stuff will be exiting the house after the kiddos get back from their eye doctor appointment . I like to put the tree up , but once Christmas is over I like it out ! We 've left it up a little longer for Little Matt 's sake . He was hoping his Christmas gift would arrive and he could have it under the tree , but it hasn 't come yet . I checked and the company said the estimated arrival date would be Jan 3 . Not leaving the tree up that long . I 'm looking forward to the new year that is coming up in just a few days ! We have had a good year overall and am thankful for that ! Next year will prove to be interesting with our land situation hanging As for bringing in the new year we don 't have any big plans . Never do really . How about you ? Any plans ? Alright so I 'm probably thinking this is not the best thing to post after Christmas when everyone is on chocolate over load and coming off their Christmas highs . And people seem to always think weight loss is a good idea after the holidays and a new years resolution . But oh well . Let me indulge your love of chocolate ! And if you don 't have a love of chocolate you can skip this post . I will not be typing out the recipe , because it would take me forever as I said before and I don 't want to leave something out . Just too many details . But I did snap a few pictures of the recipe for you ! Now you can write it out ! How nice of me right ! I don 't know if you can read it all , but I will tell you that it is a Pampered Chef recipe . I found it in their new " Chocolate " recipe cookbook . My sister in law got one , and I just thought it was great , then one of my sisters , who LOVES Christmas bought me one . How nice of her ! I actually love it because I love chocolate . My poor husband . Can 't wait until I can make some more recipes ! And I will post pictures of them too ! But that won 't happen until next year ! A big sigh of relief ! Now here is the Fudge Tort with White Chocolate Mousse ! Oh my look at that ! ! I didn 't take a picture of the whole thing because I didn 't like how it looked . It kinda fell apart a bit during transportation to my parents . It tasted good though . I think it tastes a little bit like the Chocolate Lasagna at the Olive Garden , that they used to have , but no longer do , at least here in Maine . Just to give you a guess of what it tastes like . If you 've ever had that dessert there . Oh so good ! Don 't let the time it takes to make scare you . It 's cooling time for the cake , and mousse , and such . I think it 's worth it and will be making it again for a family get together ! Until next time ! Today started the after Christmas clean up and put everything away . Our tree is still up for a few more days . After having lots of places to go over the weekend we all just kinda crashed today . We took care of things and threw away all the trash . The boxes and boxes of packaging that everything seems to come in these days along with all the bloody twist ties and tape that are on toys . It 's enough to drive any sane person over the top . Not to mention the kiddos . We have so much food , no not food but junk food and chocolates in the house . . . makes my head spin . Yes I did make some of it , but we are always given more and we all need to detox afterwards . And need something healthy and yummy to eat for supper instead of filling up on party mix , cheese cake , chocolates , etc etc for the past few days . So we are going to have turkey pot pie . Mmmmmm . And watch a few movies today that we got as gifts . So glad to be on school break . All of us need it . One of the gifts for Little Matt didn 't come . We told him ahead of time that it didn 't come , and it should be here soon . He asked if I would wrap it up for him , and I said I would . I was supposed to bring some of my homemade garlic dill pickles to my parents for Christmas . Forgot them . I was supposed to bring them the next day , told my sister to send me a text in the morning . She did . I still forgot them . All day I was scatter brained . Really bad . We went to a coming home from boot camp party for one of Matthew 's cousins . That was nice . Yummy food too ! Not on Christmas , but a couple days before . Our weekend was full of parties and food ! Once the kiddos were in bed snoring loudly and sprawled out in their beds , My Man and I had a quiet evening on the couch . Now I have to run because I need to get supper out of the oven before I burn it and we have to eat chocolate again for supper . Again I don 't want to disappoint . I finally finished the Triple Choc Truffles about 8pm last night . Now I have some baking to do , but actually I won 't do most of it until tomorrow . Oh yea , probably outta take my ham out of the freezer today too to thaw it out . That would be a good idea . I 've got so many things going this week I can 't remember what day it is . I feel like I 'm a day late with everything I 've got going . My BIL said the best thing the other day that " if someone had told us Christmas was on the 25th this year maybe we would have been ready ! " I just thought that was funny , because I feel so ill prepared . I don 't think I am though . Maybe I should make a list . . . They are melt in your mouth good too ! Sorry I just had to tell you . That and I think they look pretty . It 's white choc , semi sweet choc , and bittersweet choc . I would share the recipe , but it 's so involved to make some of these things it would take me forever , and then I would feel like I left things out . So instead I will tease you ! OK , so as I said yesterday I would post pictures of the chocolates my sister in law and I made . I would hate to disappoint you . I only have one of the chocolates and then a trifle I made for a party at my in laws the other day . I will have to take a picture of the Triple Choc Truffles when they are done . I messed up the first batch and threw them out and then made a second batch that I need to finish . Today I need to get that done . I 'll post a picture for you too . Try to avoid licking the computer screen too ! hehe We have from the left bottom the one with the gooey looking choc filling those are the Choc Beignets . They had to be fried . Imagine fried chocolate ! Yum . Then we have Reese PB Squares , the choc on top and pb on bottom . Just above that the white filled one those are Neehams . Then above that we have PB Balls , the brown ones . This is the Double Choc Mocha Trifle . It 's a brownie , white choc pudding & cool whip mixed with instant coffee , and crushed up Heath Bars on top and in between the layers ! Yumminess indeed ! I get asked on Thanksgiving if I 'm done . Nope usually haven 't even started yet . I like to click a button and have it shipped to my house ! I like to make chocolates with the kiddos . Then I like to give them away so I don 't eat them all ! Works out great for me ! Just a heads up my SIL came over to make some with me , and I will be posting some pictures of the yummy looking treats ! Christmas with my family will be on Christmas Eve . I 'm so excited about it too ! We always have certain foods when we get together too . All the necessities of course . This year I 'm making a ham , homegrown , crescent rolls , homemade , and drum roll please . . . Fudge Torte w / White Chocolate Mousse ! OOOhhh yummmmmmmmm ! Have no fear my blogging friends I will post a picture and maybe the recipe . It 's a lot of directions so I will have to wait and see . Have a great day all ! ! What a day and a half we 've had . I went to help Matthew today . He was hired to paint a room , to help out a friend , and he wanted me to come and help . I thought no big deal , I like to paint , and my mom was happy to watch the kiddos for the day . I could work on the trim and he could use the roller . Matthew 's not big on painting , so I figured I would do the trim and let him have the big parts ! Well we get to the house and the guy is there , and he wasn 't supposed to be home until later that day . Matthew walks up on the deck and the man greeted us and said his dad had literally just died last night , unexpectedly . OH MY WORD ! I was standing on the ground , ready to jump back in the car , after hearing that news . I felt so bad , the man was holding back the tears and I just hated to stand there . I dug my sneakered toe into the ground , literally about 2 centimeters from a large dog poo . There was another one to the left of my sneaker too ! It 's no wonder I didn 't step right in it ! I started to shiver because it was cold this morning , and I didn 't have my jacket on , not to mention I was uncomfortable . Matthew spoke to the man and said we could leave . The man said no . They are in the process of moving and need to get the house ready . So he said come on in . Matthew motions for me to follow . I walk up the stairs and go into the house , I look at the bottom of my sneakers just in case some dog poo did get on it . Nope . Clean . Matthew and I made eye contact , and had the same thought . Awkward ! We went into the room and chatted , then the phone rings and the man leaves us . We look at each other and shrug . Now what ? Oh it was so awkward to be there . We motion to each other and start moving furniture out and lay down the paper on the carpet . It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop . Once in a while one of the dogs would bark . Matthew and I empty the room , fill the holes and start to paint . The owners of the house are downstairs . It 's a raised ranch house . Neither one of us said very much all day , it was the mood of the house , and Hug your loved ones and tell ' em you love ' em , cause you just never know . The weather has been really mild for us so far . We 've had some snow , but then the temps go back up to the 40 - 50 's , and it all melts ! Crazy for us , but I love it ! I was tempted to mow the lawn the other day just to say I mowed it in December , but I didn 't . I decided I 'd mowed enough this summer ! But I 've been hearing on the radio that it 's supposed to do something tomorrow , like snow . We shall see ! Until then . . . This could be looked at three different ways . I guess it depends on which end of the sick your on . One it could be your house / farm for sale . It could be a sign in front of the house / farm you want to buy ! Even better ! Or if you are in my shoes it 's a sign in front of the property you lease , for haying . Kinda an unsettling feeling . OK so a very unsettling feeling . Yup our wonderful neighbors are moved out of their house . We have seen this coming all summer long , and have been looking for different farm land to use / lease / buy . The man went into a nursing home . He 's got dementia , and his wife just can 't take care of him anymore . And his wife has decided that the house is just too much for her . And another winter with that drive way is another story . So she has moved out into a retirement home . We are very saddened by this . We lost some wonderful neighbors that are like grandparents to all of us . It 's so sad to know they are gone , and won 't be coming home again . We have no idea who is going to buy the house , and who our new neighbors will / might be . The place has been shown to some people , and some have come back for a second look . So it 's good for my neighbor , but sad for us . We are not worried about the situation we are in , but we have been praying about it . I know God won 't bring us this far in our farming venture to leave us hanging . I know He is faithful to His own . On the flip side we have some things in the works that we are praying about as well . So we shall see where this is going , and we are excited about it as well ! Actually this is the roof of our little sap house ! We got our new roof jack and chimney installed . ( It 's the silver thing , just in case you didn 't know ) . And when I say we I mean Matthew did it . I was off having fun with some friends making Christmas cookies while he was putting this on . Thankfully our son was home helping him , just in case , on the ground mind you ! Now there were four moms and 14 kiddos ! That equals lots of sugar cookies , gingerbread cookies , and frosting ! Go figure ! Had a blast ! It 's always fun to get together with friends and kiddos and cook , especially this time of year . Actually the kiddos put a little cookie with their frosting ! Sorry I forgot my camera , so no pictures . But by the end of the day they were all pumped up on sugar ! And wanted to do it again next year ! ! Anyways , now we are ready for maple syrup season , even though it 's months away . I don 't know if ya 'll remember but we bought a commercial evaporator last year , and had that " learning curve " with it . Having the chimney pipe be at two 90 degree angles would not work properly with it . It wouldn 't get a good rolling boil and stay boiling . So it needed one straight line up , now it 's in and waiting for the boiling to begin ! Looks good don ' tcha think ? I 'm now looking forward to the spring when we can start the season ! Sunday morning started out like they typically do . It was a cold morning with a heavy frost on the ground , it should be cold , it 's December . The only thing different was a couple that lives down the road from us , and attends the same church , was taking the oldest two kiddos to church with them because our van had broke down and isn 't fixed yet , and we are borrowing my in laws car that won 't fit 6 people in it . They are very nice people and the grandparent type to all the kiddos in church . They give them a small Christmas present and a card on their birthdays . So they came and took Little Matt and DaLaney . I was getting the younger two 's hair done , and tights on and we weren 't quite ready to leave yet . So about 10 - 15 minutes later we left for church . Rachel burst into tears and said she had to pee really bad . Too late to turn around and go home . Thankfully we found a portable one at a store . I was driving , Matthew had enough driving and , well I love to drive , so Rachel was all set and we were back on the road . The girls requested Christmas music . So it was . We chat as I drive , then we notice there was a road block up ahead . No one was going through . There were two options go left or right . The cop said take a left to continue on our way for our destination . We did . The girls were in the back happily singing the Christmas carols . One asked me if I knew where I was going . I said " a detour . " " Why ? " " Can 't go the other way something happened . " " Oh . " More singing . Out of the corner of my eye I see Matthew dialing a number on the phone . One sided conversation is what I here . " Where are you ? " It 's his brother . " Oh , well call me when you get to church and let me know if they are there . " Hangs up . I suddenly get a sick feeling in my stomach , and my hands turn all sweaty on the steering wheel . " I just got a real sick feeling in the pit of my stomach . " I said . " Me too . " Matthew replied . Suddenly it was very hard to breath , my chest constricted and I took in a deep shaky breath . I drive . There is a silver car in front of me . Once at church we head in and I walk in looking for my oldest two kiddos . Rachel trips and falls , and Daddy scoops her up first as he was closer to her . DaLaney sees me first and come over and gives me a hug and a kiss on my cheek . " Hi Mommy . I missed you . " I squeeze her tightly to me and kiss her soft cheek and whisper in her ear " I love you . " " I love you too . " She smiles , and I fearsly blink back the tears . She had no idea what we had been though . " Where 's Little Matt ? " I search the room for him . " He 's with some of his friends . " I found him with my eyes and looked at him . His handsome face and boyish grin . I went and sat down with DaLaney . When Little Matt came over I hugged him tight and said " hey boy , I love you . " And swallowed the lump in my throat . " I love you too Mommy . " As he hugged me back . He has no idea . He sat down . Again the relief and thankfulness came over me . Our kiddos were safe . I 've seen them and hugged them both . My life is good now . I could relax . We now have the number of the couple who drove them to church . The rest of the day went by without incident . That night we had 2 brother and sister in laws , along with all the kiddos over for pot luck supper , last minute , and read our Advent celebration together . We had some Ribbon candy too ! Anyone remember that stuff ? I didn 't even know they still made it . My great grand mother always had it at Christmas time . It was such a treat for us kiddos to have ! That night the kiddos went to bed , in their own beds . Happy , full and safe . All four of them . I went in their rooms and looked at them each breathing slow , and deep , some were snoring . I covered the ones back up that needed covering and said another silent pray of thanks giving for their safety . Ever clean out your recipes ? I have some that I thought looked good , and have saved , but once reading through them and realizing that I 'd never make them . Not to mention I cook entirely different now then when we were first married . I have had some recipes for years and never have made . Some call for those wild ingredients that I never have on hand and would go to waste because it only goes in that one recipe . So I decided to clean them out and throw them , to make room for the new ones I have found online and from friends . I try to organize it by main dishes and desserts , then extras like horse cookies . Yes from time to time I make cookies for my horses , they love them ! So much better , now I just need to get them on recipe cards and in the cookbook . I like to use the old photo albums , they are perfect for them . I also have a little photo album of recipes I use only when canning , like spaghetti sauce . I 'm always rummaging through the cookbooks to find them , then finally the light went on and I put them together , and put them in the canner . So next year when I start canning they are all right there in one place ! ! Brilliant ! Only took me years to figure that one out . . . Anyhow , life is kinda slow , and by slow I mean farm wise things , most of all our equipment is undercover before the snow comes , again . Everything around the farm is picked up , like the kiddos summer outside toys , and the like . Barns are winterized and now we just wait for the snow . It has been such an awesome fall . We had an Indian summer , and so far it 's still been mild for Maine weather . Some cold , but mostly warm sunny days , like in the 60 's ! ! No kidding , I 've loved it too . I 'm sure winter weather is coming , but it 's been so nice to have some mild weather and not have to keep the fire going all day , but at night to keep the chill out and not have all the winter gear out ! ! ! I 'm sad to have to say this next part . You remember all our wonderful chicks that hatched out and mama hen left them ? Well we had five . One was a rooster and the rest were hens . Well three days in a row someone hit them . I guess they thought playing " chicken " in the road was fun . Makes me soooooo mad . They hit three hens , figures . Then we killed the rooster . Didn 't want to deal with him over the winter , and don 't want chicks . So we have the one hen from the five babies left . Well I have tons of things to finish , so have a great day all ! Just thought I 'd let you know what I 've been up too . Posted by Oh am I ever thankful for a barn full of hay ! Literally . We were blessed with such an amazing hay crop this year . Chicken poo is really a wonderful thing ! ! Our hay field was starved for some input of manure and we got a truck load and WOW what a huge difference it made . Last year we had to buy hay in the spring because it was so wet and we couldn 't get the animals on the field without destroying it and our hay was gone . This year we have some extra to sell ! ! And we got our first second crop of hay too . I feel totally blessed with hay this year ! We have all the equipment to hay the fields and better yet it 's paid for . My husband likes to joke that we are state of the art 1970 ! But hey it works ! We did have to hire out to have the field mowed due to the abundance of it , but still I 'm so thankful for it all ! All our animals will be fed homegrown organic hay this winter ! ! The ability to cook , and enjoy doing it , most days . There are days it would be nice to get take out , but I live in an area where there is no delivery . But you get my meaning . I am a self taught cook . I 'm not bragging , but I am . It 's something I have worked very hard to accomplish and to do well for not only me but my family . I 've had some whoopers too , and I 'll be the first to admit to that ! Much like my fried zucchini . . . And not to mention various other cooking catastrophes , oh the horrors , and I still set off my smoke alarm from time to time . But I do enjoy cooking and learning to make new things and expanding our palates . Sometimes it 's good and other times I throw the recipe in the trash . I want my kiddos to enjoy eating and enjoy eating foods they have never tasted before . I get bored cooking all the same things and that is why I am always looking to try new things , and have found some wonderful things on blogs that I follow , and stop by and visit from time to time . Not just cooking , but cooking from scratch , which seems to be a lost art , along with knowing what is IN the foods we eat and where and how it 's grown and raised . I think people are so disconnected from their food . Kinda scary actually to eat mystery meat , eewww , like fast food . . . I 'll leave it at that ! Have a great day all ! I 'm thankful for being a stay at home mom . Matthew and I decided that I would stay home once I had Little Matt . I worked for a portion of my pregnancy with him . It 's not always easy and certainly not glamorous , as your reaching your hand in the toilet to try to pull out that toy before it goes down and clogs up your toilet . Even though it goes down anyways . Or you wash rocks or dry red crayons into your bedding in the dryer . Yup that 's happened . Having and raising kiddos has been such a life changing event in my life . With each one my life has changed and the dynamic of our family . I don 't think , most days , ( if I 'm being honest ) , I could leave them for someone else to raise or teach them . I remember my mother in law telling me a joke about staying home and home schooling her sons , and now I can totally relate to her joke about it . I won 't share it , but women who do what I do would understand ! Ya it 's a challenge , but I love a challenge and feel confident that we are on the right path . With the help of my Heavenly Father I know I 'll make it , along with His forgiveness , and that of my kiddos when I fail . May seem silly , but I am so thankful for our wood stove , and plenty of fire wood ! Wood heat gives of such a different kind of warmth I just love it . I can stand on the warm hearth pad with bare feet and warm them up before I put my boots on ! ! I like to turn off all the lights and curl up on the couch and watch the flames flicker and dance against the glass door as the snow comes down . And according to the weathermen we are in for a good one tomorrow ! Not worried about it , we are ready ! I 'll take pictures of it ! First of all I 'm very thankful for a healthy family . Generally speaking we are all healthy . Sure we all get the occasional cold or flu , or knock out a tooth ! but there are no major illnesses . I am so thankful for that ! There are so many things out there that can happen and cause an illness or they could get a disease and have it all go down hill so fast . I pray for the health and well being of my family daily . I 'm well aware that what comes our way is from the hand of God , and there is a reason for it . Where have I been you wonder ? Or not . Well grab a cup of coffee or what ever you like to drink and a muffin , or donut and I 'll tell you about my past few days . They have been busy . It was about 4am on Thursday actually . Our boy woke us up crying and couldn 't move his arm or something , my memory is kinda fuzzy and I wasn 't awake . I mean it was 4am ! We stumble down to his room and he said something was hurting his arm . So Matthew proceeds to take his shirt off , Little Matt 's that is , and he sees a deer tick is in shoulder , just below his collar bone ! Oh great ! It 's head was in there , it was a bite ! So bleary eyed me , Matthew and Little Matt stumble to our room to get the tick out . The rest of the kiddos were sleeping peacefully and we didn 't want to wake them up . We get the tick out and send him back to bed . In the morning we call the doctor and we get an appointment for that afternoon . OK , let me back up a minute here , the night before we were up until 12am . Matthew had a meeting he had to go to . One of my sisters came over for a visit and we made some yummy , delish food together , and burned some bacon . oops . Then my SIL came over with her kiddos . Our husbands went to the same meeting , and they were gone until 11 : 30 . My sister left around 9 : 30 after much laughing and shopping online for , well , clothes . So none of us had gone to bed until 12am - ish . Just so you know we are all very tired to begin with . Well at the doctors office they got more of the tick head out and put him on an antibiotic for 10 days . Then in 6 weeks he goes back for a Lyme Disease test . We are praying the antibiotic works and he is free and clean ! Then Thursday night was a late night again , don 't remember what we did . Then Friday morning was a disaster too . Nothing was going as planned for any of us . Matthew was going hunting in the morning with one of his brothers . He had just left . Keep in mind we are all still running on low sleep and energy , due to late nights and early mornings . I was in the bathroom putting my makeup on , when Little Matt lets out this holler and a distressed " MOMMY ! ! ! " Running for my son I see him holding his mouth . I asked what happened and he shows me his tooth . Now it 's his front tooth , his adult Oh we are not done yet . My poor boy has had a time of it . Seems like things happen in threes . Then the other night we were at my BIL and SIL for supper . Mary and I were inside freezing chickens , ( they had some late broilers that they had raised ) , the boys were outside stacking fire wood , the kiddos were inside playing Lego 's . Matthew came in and asked for a drink , and my boy went to get him one , and then tripped over the cord and fell on the corner of their hearth pad by the stove and went down hard . The water spilled , but the glass didn 't break and my boy was in tears . I thought oh no it 's his tooth again as he hit the floor with a thump ! Matthew grabbed him and got him on the couch and asked what hurt . His arm . It was swollen and he wouldn 't move it . Oh here we go ! I thought as I got him a drink . He was pale and tired , and sore . So we waited a while to see what we were going to do . Little Matt sat around outside with the men . We finished freezing the chickens then went home . We kinda figured we might be going to the hospital the next morning if it wasn 't better . Matthew thought it might be broken , so did I . Well the next morning we got up and Little Matt was using his arm , bending his elbow and moving his fingers . All good ! So we are very happy to say it is not broken . Just sore and tender . Phew . Then last night it was so nice out , a balmy 55ish degrees . I have wanted to have another fire pit with s ' mores , and I have everything just waiting . It 's been really nice the past few days and warm ! Oh my it 's been nice out . A sweater and jeans ! ! Yup it 's a nice fall . So we invited my BIL and SIL over with their kiddos and we had s ' mores by the fire pit ! I love s ' more 's ! So good by the fire with friends and it 's warm out ! It was nice to visit and not have anyone get hurt or have my boy get hurt ! My poor boy is doing much better and is on the mend from all his troubles of late . He 's been such a trooper though all this too . Ah kiddos , just when you think all is well and your so thankful for healthy ones , something is bound to happen . Although I am thankful for healthy kiddos , because they really are . Don 't really go to the doctors often , if you don 't count the past week ! ; - ) I have family / friends that are currently serving , and family / friends that have served in the past . I am very grateful for their service and protecting my freedoms . My prayers are with you . Thank you ! They are such a blessing in my life . Each one has brought a new and amazing grace to my life . They are so full of love and freely give it . They also are quick at forgiving me , when I mess up . I made a pot of coffee , or I thought I had , and was wondering why I wasn 't hearing anything and smelling the coffee as it brewed . I took a look at the pot and realized I didn 't put any water in it ! I 'm just glad I didn 't break the glass . Hate it when that happens . Reminds me of my mom when I do that . She once said " it 's hard to remember ALL the ingredients in a pot of coffee ! " I would have to agree ! Sometimes when I go to town and don 't eat lunch I buy a whoopie pie and devour it on my way home . All that shopping makes me hungry . There is a store near where I shop that carries the best whoopie pies for store bought , that is , and I just have a weak spot , eerrr maybe sweet tooth , for them ! And sometimes it 's nice to have a guilty pleasure on my way home ! I really don 't like Mondays . It comes every week , and yet it always seems to be the worst day of the week for me . Our kiddos like to hide on us and then jump out at us and scare us . I like to return the favor once in a while , just to keep them on their toes ! Once in a while they really do jump me . When I jump them they giggle and say that I scared them ! Love that ! So with all the pumpkins that we grew and even after giving them away I still have lots of pumpkins . But not as many as last year I think it was , we had around 60 pie pumpkins . I refuse to can them too . It takes I don 't know , 80 minutes or something ridiculous like that to can them . I don 't like them frozen as they tend to be watery . So they line my hallway and eat them as we go . I 've been trying different recipes and some regular ones too , like pumpkin pie , bread , roll , and muffins . I found a pumpkin smoothie on Pioneer Woman the other day that I 'm going to have to try . Looked really good . I made a new pumpkin muffin recipe that called for cream cheese in it . The recipe said it 's like the one 's at Starbucks . I 've never had one of their muffins so I wouldn 't know , but figured it must be good . I like their coffee though , I really like it . I 've never had cream cheese in my muffin before either . I was looking for one like Dunkin Donuts pumpkin muffins , but all the recipes I found called for a pumpkin spice cake mix . I don 't have that in my cupboard , and I wanted homemade so I changed my search to just pumpkin muffins . And I choose this one ! Take all your dry stuff and dump it in the bowl . I like the different shades of color that the spices , sugar , four and soda make . I covered most of one of the spices with the sugar . When I copied the recipe I forgot to write in the sugar and had to go look it up again to put sugar in it . I don 't think they would have been as good without it . Blend all the dry together . Smells really good . Next add you wet . Oil , I use olive oil for all my cooking , fresh pumpkin , and eggs . Beat the eggs before adding them to the mixture . Just gotta say look at those eggs . Now that is farm fresh nicely colored and firm eggs . Laid yesterday by our lovely hens ! Put one chunk of cream cheese in the middle of each muffin This is what the look like ready to go in the oven . I use stoneware , that is why the pan is discolored . It 's Pampered Chef don 't - cha know ! mmmmm out of the oven and ready to be eaten . Just don 't burn your tongue on the cream cheese . It 's very hot ! Don 't even need any butter ! Preheat oven to 350 . Cut up chunks of cream cheese into 1 - 2 teaspoon and freeze for about an hour . I only froze it for about 10 minutes , I was too impatient to wait , and it worked fine . I just got to lick the cream cheese off my fingers when I was done ! Mix dry , mix wet , throw together . Mix well . Put into muffin tin , then push a clump of cream cheese into the middle of each muffin . Pop it in the oven and bake for 20 - 25 minutes . Mama and her baby . How nice is that to see ? I had let Maggie in this afternoon and Dandie was hungry . She - Mama Maggie comes in for a few hours in the afternoon , then goes back out until the evening milking and stays in all night , while Dandie is still little . Dandie will not stay in the fence because she can run right under it . I can only stay a few minutes , because she won 't eat and just show off and play . I just thought I 'd share . I 'm thankful that we own a Jersey cow named Maggie . She is the first cow I have ever had , and been around . She 's funny in her behavior and she has an attitude . She swats me in the face with her tail , a lot when I 'm stressed out and trying to milk her . I guess it 's her way of getting my attention , and she 'll look at me with those big brown eyes and seems to be telling me to " chill out " , and she 'll cool it with the tail . Never fails , when I relax , she stops with the tail , and goes back to eating . Sometimes she 'll come in the barn just fine , then other times we have to herd her in the barn and make her come in . She 'll even stand at the door of the barn and look at us and stand there for a few minutes before she 'll come in , other times she turn and high tail it back to the farthest corner of the pasture , and make us go get her ! I told you she has an attitude with a capital A ! ! I like to watch her in the pasture eating , laying down chewing her cud , or running around like a spring heifer when she has a mind too . I like the sound of her eating her grain or hay as I milk her and the rumble of her stomach and the sound and smell of the milk as it hits the pail . I like that I don 't have to buy milk , and can make cheese , soap , butter , and yogurt with our milk . It 's certainly not free milk either . There 's a lot of work that is involved with having a cow , or any livestock kind of animal . We don 't have the milk to buy at the store , but we have the grain bill , and the hay . Along with the cleaning , spreading and cleaning more manure , and the milking and the jar washing , the pail washing , the floor washing when I spill milk all over the floor . That 's always fun . Milk is sticky . Yup I 'm thankful we have a milk cow named Maggie , even with all the attitude and extra work she brings our way . Guess this is popular on blogs for the month of November ! It 's a thankful challenge . So I will be posting things this month that I am thankful for . Probably not everyday , but maybe once a week . Guess I 'll have to wait and see how the month goes . Feel free to copy the idea , or leave a comment about something your thankful for ! I 'd love to hear , or read it ! So here goes my start to the thankful challenge ! I 'm thankful I live in the country , on a back road , on a farm . I only know this life and I 'm so glad I get to live it . Even when I 'm dog tired and my head hits the pillow and I wake up with the imprint of the pillow on the side of my face . When I have to traipse outside in the middle of the night and check on the cow . When there are weeds in the garden that need to be taken out and then a houseful of produce in the living room and kitchen beckoning me to get it done , and I trip over it every time I come and go . I love the beauty of life all around me . The beauty of spring when the trees and grass are coming alive , the birds are " twitterpated " and dive and leap around , the peepers out in full force happy to be coming out and growing and changing as the spring turns to summer . The hot , long days of summer with the tick lush grass and the animals happily eating it , swishing their tails at the flies . The BBQ 's , fire pit nights with s ' mores , friends and family . The fall when the trees are changing their colors to red , yellow , purple , gold , rust and brown and then fall and twirl around in the wind . The way the air changes to a deep earthy scent . The white snow that comes to cover the barren ground and put a new beauty to it in white . The kiddos playing in the snow , and sledding down the driveway . And the white stays with us until the earth warms up and comes to relieve us of the cold with the promise of spring as the air turns warmer , the sap starts to run and the trees once again begin to come alive with buds ! I have no idea who said this , or wrote it . I just saw it the other day and stopped and thought about it , and so I thought I 'd share it and maybe you 'll think about it too . If not that 's ok too ! More snow . And no power . AAaahhhhh ! Thankfully we were ready , kinda . I 'm so thankful for our wood stove . Makes winter power outages so much warmer ! When Matthew went out to milk the cow he quickly realized how much snow we got . 12 - 14 inches of heavy , wet snow . I was going to drive up and check on our neighbor , and went out the shed door and saw all the snow . Matthew was shoveling to get into the cow barn , and I realized I wasn 't driving anywhere . The car was buried in snow . I really didn 't want to walk all the way up there in 12 inches of snow , so I instead went to feed the horses , sheep , and check on the chickens , and Matthew decided he would take the tractor up and check on our neighbor and see if she needed anything with the power outages . I milked the cow so he could get going . I had to dump the milk , because we had no way to cool it and we needed to get to church , and with all the snow and moving it around we were a little behind . Just as we were about to head out the door to church our neighbor called and said his cows were out and was wondering if we could help get them in . They were way down to a different neighbors house , which for his cows was a surprise . He has beef cattle and they don 't really do that far . I guess with the snow storm and loss of power they decided to go for a walk ! Maybe they were confused . It 's not time for snow , in my opinion . So Matthew put his snow boots back on and headed out the door to help . The kiddos and I stayed home . I was glad we were home to go and help . Our neighbors have helped chase our cow a few times and have stuck through till she was in , so it was only right that we help . I would have , but didn 't have anyone to watch the kiddos . It took them 3 long hours to get the cattle back in . They had them rounded up , until someone drove by and scared them off , back into the woods . So back to square one and rounding them up , again ! The power had turned back on right when Matthew left , and I was happy , but I decided I better get some more water for the animals and the , ahem , toilet ! I didn 't know if it would stay on with all the wind , and knowing how wet the snow was I figured better be safe then sorry . Boy I was glad I did too . The power was only on for about an hour before it flickered and then went back out for a long time . We left later in the afternoon to a fellowship meal and hang out with our church family , and the power was still off when we left . On the way to the party we heard on the radio that tons ( they gave a number , but I don 't remember it ) of people were out of power and probably would be for a while . I was again glad I had refilled up the buckets , and if all else failed we could melt snow in the house by the fire place . Thankfully when we got home that night it was back on ! ( Matthew had come home and done chores while I stayed at the party , and when he got home it was still on ! Phew ! ) Then Monday morning when I got up the sun was out and it quickly warmed up to the 50 's ! ! The kiddos went out and played in it and made some snowmen and snow horses ! They also deiced shoveling sounded like fun , so they did that too ! Now most of the snow is gone . Just a hard and fast reminder that winter is quickly knocking on the back door and we need to make sure we are ready , and I mean completely ready for it ! Yikes , it came fast , and let us know that we still have a few more winterizing projects to do before it comes to stay ! ! I milked Maggie this morning for the first time this cycle , and I 'm sure I 'll have many more milking 's with her too . Matthew had to leave very early this morning for work , so the kiddos and I had chores . I don 't mind , I rather enjoy taking care of things on the farm . Probably a good thing too . I was having a hard time getting into the swing of living on a dairy again . I have really enjoyed having the time off , and was thankful we dried Maggie off when we did . It really isn 't ideal to dry a cow off in the middle of the season of growing grass when your wanting a mostly grass based dairy cow , but that 's how it worked out . I wouldn 't complain if that is how it works our again . I was so busy with the gardening and canning and all that good stuff milking a cow was the last thing that was on my mind . I 'm sure we would have worked out something . . . but it was good for me ! We tend to share the chores , and the work load of the farm . It 's nice to work together as a team . The kiddos are always willing to lend a hand too . As I went outside to milk this morning it was 7 : 15 . The sun was still coming up , and it was a brisk morning . The kiddos were getting up and dressed , so it was quiet when I went out . I had the milk pail in hand by my side , gloves and wipes in my back pocket . My cowboy - eerrr my girls would pop in and say " cowgirl boots mommy " ! here , as they clinked the hardening ground . The crows were out and I heard them cawing to one another , and strangely enough I liked that sound . Abby and Time Out were out in the pasture basking in the sun that was starting to warm them up . Abby let out a friendly winnie to welcome me and say good morning , as she always does when she sees me . The sheep were just getting up and let out a good morning baa as I walked to the cow barn . The baby chicks greeted me as well with happy hungry peeps , and ran after me to get some grain . I greeted all the animals with a good morning . It felt good to be outside with a milk pail in my hand , the cool , damp , fall weather on my face , my hot breath blowing out into the cold morning air as I called to the animals . I peeked my head in the cow barn and both were laying down . I said good morning to Maggie and she got up while I was getting her grain and minerals . Dandie got up and bounded around the barn as I brushed Maggie down to get the hay and sawdust off her . I decided to wait a while to see what Dandie would do . She was too busy showing off for me to be bothered to eat . She ran , hopped , and bounced around me . She would come up to me and nuzzle my boot or leg , and jump when I would reach out and pet her . Then she would put her head down and jump sideways , so I scooched down and copied her , she looked at me and jumped the other way as I laughed . She flicked her tail in the air and jumped up on Maggie 's stanchion , then back off and fell flat on her face . That made me laugh as she got her long legs untangled and shook herself off . She looked at me as if to say she meant to do that and decided to stop being silly , for about a minute . Knowing I had to get things Posted by Geeez it 's been such a week here . Not really busy , just I don 't really know what , just a week . Settling in with a new calf I think has thrown me off . I don 't even really know why . It 's not like I am going in 1000 different directions this time of year . So I decided that something sweet yet slightly tart would be good to share . One of my sisters had just raved about a Raspberry Crisp she made . Then my other sister talked about it , actually just about anything raspberry she is in love with , and she said how wonderful it was . So I had to make it too , I couldn 't be left out of the wonderfulness of it all ! . I needed my mouth to water , and make my kiddos wonder what new delicious thing I was creating in my kitchen as they smelled it cooking ! I love it when they walk in the house and suck in a loud breath of air and exclaim that my kitchen smells like a bakery ! Hey living on a farm , it 's nice to hear that ! I think all you farmers get my point here ! It 's Pioneer Woman 's recipe on her food blog , just type in Raspberry Crisp for the recipe ! Oh man it 's really good too ! I had to double it for my large brood , but I highly recommend it . So without farther to do ! Lets look at some pictures and get hungry for some Raspberry Crisp shall we ? ? ! ! Some yummy raspberries , cornstarch , vanilla and sugar I don 't care for ice cream on anything , so I didn 't have it on my crisp . I do like ice cream , alone . Kinda like cake and ice cream , oooohhhh don 't let them touch each other ! Yuck ! The ice cream melts and makes the cake all soggy and wet , eeewwwww . I know just a weird bit of information about me . Just thought I 'd share ! But if we had some whipped cream , oh yeah that would be good . I told you weird right ? ! The rest of my family had the ice cream . We are so excited to announce the birth of our newest addition to SweetLand Farm ! A healthy heifer calf ! ! ! ! She was born yesterday around 2 pm ! As you can see it occurred outside in the pasture . I took this photo shortly after she was born , she 's still all wet and had yet to stand up . I only got so close and then zoomed in . Maggie is very protective of her , and we didn 't want to interrupt her just yet . We had no idea what sex she was at this point . Let me back up a little . We had gotten home from church and we were expecting company soon . We had a few things to get done before hand , and had Little Matt go check on Maggie and he comes running back down that he thought she had calved . Matthew and I went up and low and behold there she was all wet and just a cute as anything . I had grabbed the camera just in case ! She was up in the left hand corner of the pasture way in the back . What a great place , quiet and sheltered . We left her alone after we took the kiddos up to see our new baby . The weather was great yesterday too nice and warm for a fall day . Later that day we had to get the calf in the barn and milk Maggie , but to first make sure the calf was eating and got some of that good colostrum . I got to pick her up and carry her a bit too , she 's probably about 50 pounds . Nice size baby girl . She was still wobbly on her long legs and to get them in the right direction was a work out . She reminded me of Bambi when he goes on the ice , legs going everywhere . Maggie was talking to her lots too once we had them in the barn , and just loving on her , drying her off with her long tongue . Matthew helped her get into position to eat Took to it like a champ ! Our company arrived and we had to show her off , but they all had to stay out of the barn because Maggie was nervous with all the people she didn 't know , and we didn 't want anyone to get hurt . They all thought she was cute ! We left them alone to bond until it was time for milking to relieve Maggie a bit . Then again left them alone and peeked in the window to check on them from time to time . They were both tired . No wonder , having a baby is hard work , and trying to stand is too ! Here she is this morning resting . Her belly full , and now it 's time to sleep . We decided to name her . Little Matt picked out her name . He had it picked out with the last one , but it was a bull calf , and now we used it with this one . It 's Dandelion , but we 'll call her " Dandie " . I think we are all smitten with her . I mean she 's a baby and just so darn cute . Now we pray she stays healthy and strong . We are thankful for her and the blessing she brings to our family farm . A number of years ago we bought a cider press . It 's come in very handy too . We 've even pressed pears in it and made pear cider and mixed it with apple cider . Just an interesting twist on the flavors . I 'm not a huge fan of pear juice , kinda pulpy . We freeze some and turn some into hard cider . Both are yummy to enjoy in the winter ! It 's all arm power to turn it , the ole arms get a work out . The kiddos even give it a whirl , the older two can do it , the younger two need some help . This is what our cider press looks like . Very basic and simple . There is a handle on top that twists down when it 's being pressed , but I didn 't get it in the picture . This is where you put the apples to be ground up . You can see the teeth of it too . They are sharp and will cut your fingers in good shape . Grab some kiddos and have them start grinding up the apples . My sister and brother in law came over to join in the fun . They have 4 kiddos too ! The red wheel turns the grinder . Gotta keep on throwing in apples and grinding to fill up the bucket . I love the sky in this picture . It was so beautiful to look at , so many shades of blue and gray ! It 's over looking the cow pasture and the hay field . Here is the bucket under the grinder . The mesh bag holds in the apples , and we fill it to almost the top before we cover and press it . But this is what the apples look like . Here it is covered and starting to press the apples ! Yummy ! The kiddos can do this part too , to a certain point , until it gets too hard to turn the handle . You can see how it collects in the wooden part of the press and then comes out the hole into the bucket . This is for My Man . He loves this part when the cider is coming out and looks really good . Love the color of it . We like to grab a cup and drink some to make sure it tastes just right ! It usually does . Yes we drink it raw . I know shocking right ? We know where they come from and use clean apples , and we are careful when we press it as well . We have never had any problems come from drinking raw cider . This is the pumas ( left over apples ) . We feed them to the pigs and our neighbors cows . We throw it in the bucket of the tractor and it 's easy clean up . The mesh bag makes it handy too . When we dig out the cider press we wash all the parts and bleach it as well . Then when we put it away we wash it and make sure all the parts are clean , dry , and then store it away until next season ! I said a while back that we had another harvest of something coming , and we did . It wasn 't the second crop hay either . Although we were happy to get that . Very happy . It was apple picking ! When the weather is cool and the apples are ripe and ready to be picked , we go ! There is a man that lives nearby and he gives us his apples in return for some cider . We think that is a good deal . The kiddos love to go pick apples , climb the trees and shake them ! That 's great fun for them , and us . I don 't too often climb trees , but . . . never mind . It was a warm , quiet Sunday evening , and we figured we 'd better go get the apples before another frost hit them . The first one was fine , but we didn 't want to wait any longer . The apples this year are great and the trees are loaded ! There have been some years where the weather isn 't that great , and the apples don 't grow that well . Guess that comes with everything though . But thankfully it was a good apple year . The apples are Northern Spy . We usually try to get more then just one kind of apple for cider , because it makes a better flavor of cider , but we didn 't have any other kinds this year when we pressed it the other day . It still tastes good ! Can you see my boy up there ? He was out of the car and up the tree before I could get out of the car ! He even took his bucket up there . He eventually dropped the bucket , shook the tree and came down , after he had his fun , then picked up the apples he shook free . My girl decided to pose and smile a toothless smile at me . She lost her two front teeth recently and I just love her smile . Kiddos look so cute when they don 't have there front teeth ! The smiles are just great ! She and her cousin that is the same age as her lost them about the same time . So she has company in wanting her two front teeth for Christmas ! Ahhhh not ready for that ! Even though it 's right around the corner ! yikes ! My baby is too little to climb trees , so she just grabs the closest branch and hauls the apples off ! She always looks so pleased , and can hardly wait to bite into one . And don 't take her apples out of her bucket unless you ask first . She gets upset when you remove all her hard work . But she 's more then happy to let you help her fill up her bucket ! Kinda bleary I know . My camera isn 't working all that great all the time . Kinda annoying . She put that apple in her seat in the car and ate it on the way home . All the kiddos picked out an apple to eat on the ride home . They happily munched and crunched and giggled as we drove home after picking for a while . With all of us picking it didn 't take very long to fill our buckets and be on our way . My camera died shortly after these pictures were taken . So that was all I was able to get . I have pictures coming of pressing the cider . I wanted to get a short video of it , but too much was going on , and I need a new memory card , so I just have pictures . Yeah I know I need to get the pictures developed , but some other day I 'll do that . I like to save them up ! ! hahhaahaha . Long story , my family gets it though ! So when I get them on the computer I 'll share them ! And IF we press more cider maybe I 'll get a video , not making any promises though ! We got all our apples pressed , and I don 't know if we 'll be getting more . Thanks for stopping by our plot of land we like to call home . We farm because we want to , care about what we eat , how it 's grown , and raised . We are currently organic , and plan to stay that way . My husband and I have been blessed with four , beautiful children ! I am a full time stay at home wife and mom . My husband is a self employed wood worker and farmer . But I guess we all farm ! We feel truly blessed with all that God has given to us over the years , and hope to continue to be good stewards of the land we have been given . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . - No , I am sure Gwen ! I wouldn 't forget a man like that . Tall , tan , dark , handsome . His face is a bit of a blur to be honest . But I won 't forget his piercing gaze , dashing looks and … what he did that night . He presented himself as Esteban Nostra , businessman and trader . I did not hear much from him . He arrived in Myrsa looking for a Guarantor for himself and found one outside the Pendrach . I spoke with the clerk from the Guarantor 's office and his papers were solid , just as his description of the Cojan Company , the mining trade group he worked for . - I am not . But I believe what I saw and heard . I was at the Pendrach 's party with Sally , Margaret and Lian and I set eyes on him . He was a charmer , a looker and , by the Gods , that accent was to die for . I could 've spent my entire evening listening to him speak , so much I wasn 't really listening to what he had to say or ask . I just wanted to hear him speak . - Shut up Jen . He moved on , but I kept tabs on him during the evening . I heard he was looking for a guarantor to vouch for the Cojan Company , which he represented . I heard him say it was a metal and metal byproducts trading company which operated in the south . They must be pretty secretive because I found no trace of them in Myrsa . Anyways . He had meetings with executives from the five pendrachs and was all courteous and polite . But I managed to eavesdrop on one of those meetings . He looked pretty content when one of the executives spilled the beans about Lady Carsas and her daddy 's mother - hen attitude . He did seem very interested in her later on in the evening . Not that it didn 't cross me … but Lady Carsas is a very fair lady , and a prize to take according to men . So I was not surprised to see him compete with the other men . He was very blunt with her , but managed to stand out , which brought the attention of her bodyguard . She walked away for some time , during which Esteban walked and talked . Word that the guarantors were arriving got out and most of the crowd went away . Lady Carsas came back and had a chat with him . More than anybody could expect out of miss perfection . He was good at it . He kissed her on the hand before heading out to witness the arrival of the Pendrachs . He looked them over but he didn 't seem so desperate as to seek audience with them directly . Though he was trying to get to know them . Like he was investigating something . I can 't really say since the whole time , he kept his hat on . Quite the dashing hat , if I may say so . He then headed to talk with a man I hadn 't noticed yet . A young trader , modestly dressed . He was standing away from the others , seemingly focused and at attention . Unlike any proper dinner guest should look like . Esteban went to meet and greet , but it seemed tense . There was something wrong with all of it . The Pendrachs walked in the manor and the young merchant followed them . Esteban followed the young merchant . It is then that the incredible happened . Everybody had gathered around the local celebrities and town rulers . The young merchant though was manoeuvering his way through the crowd , heading for the Pendrachs . Esteban had noticed something and matched his pace . I saw it too : the young merchant had a blade hidden behind his back . They began tackling their way through the dense crowd , but the assassin was one step ahead and broke out of the crowd before Esteban , ready to strike his blade down on the Pendrachs . Esteban , beautiful Esteban , jumped with catlike grace above the crowd and onto people 's shoulders , I am not lying ! He stepped on the serving platter of one of the servants and onto the crystal glass of one of the guests ! And it didn 't even budge ! As if no one even felt he was there ! He lept up in the air and fell down on the assassin , disarming him , locking him on the ground . It was such a scene . Zain : So , I was stuck in jail for almost two days before everything got worst . I tried talking with Derick , but between that and speaking to a wall , there wouldn 't be much of a difference . A women entered . They seemed like they knew each other quite well . We pretended to sleep , and she talked to him . She saw through his little subterfuge but he still wouldn 't move . She left saying that it would be the last time they spoke to each other . When he woke up , I tried getting to know who she was . I made a bad joke … And I probably shouldn 't have … He mumbled something when I asked again who the woman was . I couldn 't quite hear it , but … Maybe I understood , but it makes no sense . How would he know … ? And why would she … ? Zain : Derick had a plan . He always has . He pulled a saw or something from his heel and cut one of the bars and then with spoons we … I don 't think you need all the specifics , that was pretty jackass though . So , since there was a big party , there weren 't much guards left in the dungeons . The one sleeping guard was not even a slight challenge . We got our gear back and devised a plan to exit through the sewers . We also hoped to find our friend Djenna . You probably saw her too . White haired girl . Zain : My other friend was still in jail and in bad shape . He needed some help that we couldn 't give him . Figured Djenna would find a way to get him out of here safe and sound . In the meanwhile , me and Derick got lost in the sewers but eventually found Djenna and sent her to help our other friend . I kept on trying to convince the old man to talk but he never would open his damned mouth about it . Then we found this place , full of weird cocoon filled with some kind of virus . Nothing you want to see in the water of your sewers I swear . We started taking them off carefully so it wouldn 't spill and we kept on fighting each other over whether or not he should talk about him and that woman . He got mad at me , saying I wasn 't old enough , that I wasn 't ready . What am I not ready for anyway ? ! Not like it really concerns me … unless it does . But I can take whatever he has in store for me . He says I 'm a kid ? How many kid fell from the sky , built a city and fought with behemoths ? ! Zain : Alright , well , thank you little one . Here , have some cheese , like I promised . I was keeping it in case we were stuck here longer than planned but you deserved it . Zain : I guess we just have a knack for getting in troubles way bigger than us . We started by giving a ride to a new friend of ours . See , we were headed for Merza , but we stumbled on him and gave him lift . We have our own airship now too by the way ! Zain : We went on our way to Merza after that and Fosco With my help made it all the way there . We stopped to rest a bit as the night had fallen and something seemed to cause problems to one of the thrusters of the ship . Me and Fosco went out to investigate and we found a hat with a message . " Beware the pendrachs " or something like that . We didn 't have much time to think about it as we were attacked by lizardmen . I was wounded and retreated inside . Fosco gave them a good roughing up right before I use our thrusters to burn these monsters . Zain : By the next day , we made it to Merza . A kind fisherman allowed us to embark on his boat to enter the city . Really , this whole place is really impressive ; it 's nothing like anything I 've seen before , let alone something down in the Wyld . I thought it would be nothing but small villages and ruins but this , this is something else . As we set foot in the city though , we felt like the odd men out , dressed like strangers . We all split to do our things and investigate . Zain : Well , some merchant told us we needed a permit for trade around here . We also had wind of something fishy going on here with the guarantors . Honestly , seems like there is something fishy going on or we wouldn 't be in jail . Zain : Yeah . Fosco had a meeting planned with someone he saw in a dream so we let him do his business . Kaelach decided to work at the docks to earn us a bit of money and I went to explore the city a little . Can 't find information if I don 't walk around a bit . Zain : And I did find what I was looking for . Two guards were talking . There were saying things about the Pendrachs but I couldn 't hear it all . Though , I heard that the Pendrachs had a bounty on our head . Two thousands dinars I think . They came to see me but I managed to hide my face with my hat a bit and they didn 't recognize me . I don 't stand out that much in a crowd . Zain : Exactly the reason why I 'm here . I searched for them to tell them we had a bounty . When I went to Kaelach , we were able to hide him from the guards when they spotted us . Then , when I went to talk to Fosco and this is when it turned sour . Bocky blew our cover and the guards gave us chase . Me and Fosco split ways again to outrun them . It wasn 't easy but we made it . Well , I made it , I didn 't see Fosco ever since . Honestly though , it would take more than that to catch him . Derick : That rascal is worth and entire crew alone . Ol ' Deringer isn 't worried either . He 's not here with us after all . But , ye made it out of the guards chase , how 'd you make it in these cozy cells ? Zain : I met back with Kaelach , went to a bar with him and his new found friends . When we left the establishment , guards were surrounding us . We tried getting some info from them but there was nothing new to know except that we were accused of conspiracy . Nothing new to us there , it 's becoming a habit . We followed the guards . We 're supposed to have a trial or something anyway , so we can surely find something about what 's going on this way . I just hope Fosco stays safe . Derick : Oh , nothing , just an ol ' sailor talkin to himself . That 's what happen when I sober up too much . So kids , what 's the plan ? You 'll wait till they come to get you ? You were already falsely accused of conspiracy , so you might as well falsely be condemned for it . That 's just how it works ' round these parts . We breaking out or what ? Zain : When the time comes we will leave . For now let 's wait for news of the Pendrachs . It 'll take more than iron bars to stop us ! Zain : We actually didn 't really look for you or anything . We needed some rest and just stumbled across . And , we 're not dei - … Zain : Either that or because Kaelach just didn 't want to let go and kept searching the village . Whichever floats you boat I guess . You really should thank him for looking so long in the village because when we first made it there , it looked more than empty . Luckily he had this map and it looked like our position was a location of interest , so there must have had sonething interesting . Zain : I have no doubt about it . They were pretty ingenious as well because your " coffin " was pretty hard to access . Even I couldn 't repair it after all . Zain : I 'm no king of divine machinery , hold your horses there ! I 'd probably be more like the god of the friendzone . Anyway it 's not me that opened it . Kaelach opened it by force . There was nothing much left afterwards . Zain : right after we kicked your ass because you were not entirely normal after your long sleep . Anyway , we were able to figure out how to use your technology . We should get moving now , if you want to acconplish your " test " we have for you . Zain : Well , all in all , it was a nice trip . Thank you Djenna , I really enjoyed it . I think the boys had a bit of a harder time following on the way there though . Zain : Lame ? That was the non suicidal way . I thought Fosco had his load of falling down impossible height but I guess I was mistaken . You know what was really lame though ? Losing to Fosco and Kaelach in the boat race . Djenna : Don 't get me started on that one , it was totally your fault . Anyway , what did you guys do once we got to the village ? I kinda lost sight of you there . Zain : We waited at the city square but there were no one - like you probably knew anyway - . When we realized that the tea was still hot , we thought something must have been odd . The animals were acting strange too . So we tried to find which animal was an animal and which one was something more . Things got out of hands and … you know the rest anyway . Zain : Because they do this often ? Peeing on people ? A - anyway , at least they had the kindness to give me clean clothe . I couldn 't thank the shopkeeper enough for this . After that , the day was nice and quiet - For the others I mean - . Fosco got to chit chat with the elders . Funny thing , I thought he would get along better with the younger ones . Kaelach was hanging arround the tougher , younger people too . I think he wasn 't exactly feeling at his place either . They should 've switched places . I played with the kids for the whole afternoon . It was fun , but your kind play harder than I could imagine . It stopped being funny when they attached me and said they were going to cook me . At least their parents stopped them ! Djenna : Well , they really did like you . I think you 're too meager for my taste . There wouldn 't be enough meat to eat . Zain : I … I 'll just pretend I did NOT just hear that . Are your meeting with the guardians always that long ? I mean , passing every single one of you with that many details felt … maybe unnecessary ? Fosco and Kaelach did well talking about the seventh isle . I wouldn 't have tried to stand up in front of the elders myself like that . I mean , they told me to straighten up my back and to raise my head all day long . They 've been on my back all the time I was there too . At least , after the first part of the meeting we went off to play some drinking games with Fosco . Kaelach did a noble sacrifice staying behind , but he should 've left me there and went drinking with you … Zain : I know , it 's just that he 's always doing the hard and boring stuff . He should let us do some actual things every once in a while . Even here at Haven I don 't get to do much . Fosco does the paperwork , Kaelach does the muscle jobs and I kinda just fumble arround . Not that I mind having lots of free time , I think it 's unfair for them . That and well , he clearly has a thing for … Djenna : Hard work . He totally has a thing for hard work . Always give his 110 % doesn 't he ? Zain , stop playing the poor little kid . Get out there and try to help them instead of talking about it . Alright , sweetheart ? The three companions were on top of the town hall , sharing a moment of peace like they hadn 't in a while now . A glass of beer in their hands , their silence was meaningful , quiet . The party for the shipment was on . The lights were bright , the children were playing and the parents were slowly gathering their kids to put them to bed so that the real party might begin . The fire was ready to be lit as well . Zain : Hey guys , I 'm not sure you realize this , but , all this is crazy isn 't it ? I mean , a little over a year ago , we were total strangers , exiled from our homeland . We were little more than lost souls down here . Look at what we 've done . A city , isn 't this insane ? We gathered people from around creation for this . At first I thought this was all too crazy , but I guess that there are crazy enough people to follow this idea . Maybe it 's just me but , we 've been through a lot in the last year haven 't we ? We built this nice little haven and we still found time to get in crazy adventures ! Anyway , on my end for sure . I 've traveled for months just to find a few crystals and materials for … projects . I had to dive in deep waters with strange people . Apneans if I recall . They were really nice folk , but definitely , diving isn 't for me . I 'm more a sky person . Zain : Ok , ok , I 'm sorry there Fosco . So what have you been up to Fosco ? I 'm certainly not the only one to do crazy stuff in my free time . Zain : Oh , Pazuzu , I 'm really glad you 're back with me ! So much has happened since we were thrown off the islands . We 've met new people , seen new places ; I really wish you were there with me to see all of this . Where should I begin ? I all started when we woke up , alive and " well " down below and met a man we would come to call Omen … Zain : … So we were in Jadewisp for , say , one week , just enough for Fosco to recover from his " sunburns " . After that week , things started to move again . The people of Jadewisp started going to see Fosco , calling him " The survivor " . They wanted to touch him , get his blessing . I mean , he only BARELY survived , I wouldn 't pray to that . Anyway , later , Ancient brought us to " the seers " , two strange people . They were " no longer fae " according to them . In any case , they would help us mine the strange ore the sword was made out of . Derrick caused a ruckus with his wine , and , in a weird turn of event , I ended up riding an army of pigs … Zain : Not even , I swear ! At least I 've made a friend . His name is Buck , Buck the piglet . Anyway so , we went at the MS Destroyer with the airship . We let Kaelach go first . I regretted this decision very fast , as the sword busted into flames . We barely avoided the blast , thanks to the seers and their powers . I hurried down there as fast as possible to find Kaelach badly burnt . He wasn 't as burnt as Fosco was , but still , it 's the kind of wound that takes a while to heal , except for Kaelach . I stayed down while the seers were mining the golden ore . When they were done with what they could , I let them climb up and when I grabbed on to the ladder , the winds changed . Omen appeared right next to me . He thanked us for what we had just done . I tried bashing him with a chunk of ore without much success , so I grabbed him , hoping Kaelach would fire the giant ballista on him while he couldn 't move . Zain : It was a crazy plan , but hey , a man 's gotta do what a man 's gotta do ! Oh god , that sounded like Derrick … Anyhow , we went back to Jadewisp after Omen vanished on his own , where the seers crafted us tools to battle out foe . They still needed some time before being ready , so we had to wait until the proper time to use them . It wasn 't long before we sailed off from Jadewisp with the seers . They knew a way through the storm . Derrick was at the wheel , and the instructions of the seers were … Even for my standards … bad . 10 minutes to the right ? What was that ? What matters is that , we made it out safe and sound . Zain : Don 't say that about Derrick , he 's … good at what he does . He dropped us at the bottom of Mount Megatelapa . He said he wouldn 't go any higher , that it was too dangerous . We parted with him . He shook hands with Kaelach and Fosco and bid them farewell . When he got to me , he seemed uneasy . I told him he could just shake my hand and go , he didn 't have to say anything , not like our relationship was very good . At that moment , he took me in his arms , hugged me , and told me to be safe . At first I was stunned by this sudden display . He quickly embarked on his ship and left afterwards . However , something crossed my mind … He 's an El - Mhuri , adventurer , he has some kind of amnesia … maybe he could be … Pazuzu : No Zain , he isn 't . That man died long ago and you know it . Don 't hope for him to come back because he won 't . Even though there are no proofs of his death , don 't you think that if he had a ship , he would 've come back for you ? Zain : I should 've asked him before he left , but I didn 't have the courage … Anyway , we were able to access the city after we climbed the mountain . The city was incredible , build vertically in such a way that only birds could travel in it . They had all sort of birds , breeds I had never seen before . There was even a giant one , but it had blue feather on it 's torso which is usually more characteristic of the western birds , though it clearly came from the southernmost regions since it had … Zain : Yes , so we had an appointment with the king , though he wouldn 't let us have birds since behemoths started attacking the village more and more . Just to prove his point , 3 behemoths were sighted , and the troops were sent out . We all decided to follow to help . I went on the frontline on a warhawk . Fosco stayed behind to lead the defenses and the ballista while Kaelach took care of evacuating the city . I was able to maneuver above the giant Killbat behemoth , so when I was high enough , I droped down the bird to jump on the bat . Zain : I call that dedication . Anyway , in my fall I revealed the package they had made me , the weapon against my foe . I didn 't know what it would be , but I needed something right about now . Honestly , it wasn 't what I hoped for . I was thinking that a sword would do well to slash its wing and send it falling down . A pair of boots though … well I went with the flow . I put them on and jumped on its wing to throw it off balance . It 's around that moment I called you out . Pazuzu : You really do have a death wish . You 're lucky that the isles weren 't too far and that I had the time to make it BEFORE you got crushed on the ground . At least your friend Fosco didn 't try to kill himself with freefalls . I 'll give you that though , you fought valiantly . Your friends impressed me as well . Fosco was fierce against that giant ape thing . Kaelach showed great courage as well by venturing in the ape 's head . You sure know how to make good friends . The three of you really taught the behemoth who was the boss around here . Let 's not forget the seers either ; they were more than useful with the ballista and all that oil dropping . Pazuzu : What is with you and Fosco ? Every time you talk about him , you do a little comment like that . From what I have seen of him , he 's a great person . Zain : He 's … ugh … He 's so strong , determined , free spirited ! He 's so better than me at everything it 's annoying … He is everything I ever hoped to be and it 's so natural to him ! - No . That 's kinda why … why you 're my buddy . My drinking buddy . My sailing buddy to . The other two couldn 't tell the difference between starboard and port even if I told them ! - Yeah . You and I rocked the calm winds and all , but I think we would 've just crashed when we arrived in the storm . You remember ? Big dark clouds forming up above us and suddenly , the wall of rain hitting us . Us four running left and right , jumping on the deck from station to station , manning a thirty man ship . We did good job for quite a while . Up and until those … things showed up . If those weren 't Behemoths , I don 't know what is . Heck , even the Wine might be . We really thought we lost you after the crash , but you turned out to be tough as nails . - Don 't scare me like that boy ! Behemoth wine ? ! But after the crash and before I rescued you from that burrowing weapon of yours , what did you do ? - Bah , walking . Mostly in plains , eventually in some sort of boring desert . Not much … until that burrowing machine came out of the ground . Gobbled Kaelach and Zain instantly . I stabbed it with my sword , but it broke it off . Still , I ripped something out , so I assume it didn 't do it any good . They did make it out of the creature , though wounded and bruised . We ran . Each in their own direction . In the middle of a crater , where the creature was attacking us , there was a crashed … something . Like a high tech airship . Stuck in the airship was a big ass fiery sword , that you saw . - Still . I dashed for the ship . Thinking " heck , if we came here to get weapons , maybe we 'll be able to use those weapons against the Burrower ! " Turns out I was kinda wrong . The heat in there was intense . Not spontaneous - combustion intense but taking - a - stroll - in - the - desert intense . I looked around on my own , without finding anyting , then my friends arrived to help . We found a hatch to the engineering bay in which was some thingamajig , which we managed to get working . It was a talking machine , a bit like something we have back home . - I shit you not . We talked a bit with it . Turns out it held some of the crew logs . The rest required a password . Not that it matters anymore , but hey . We found a secret hatch but could not open it . After trying some things , Kaelach managed to move the big sword by moving it down in the ground , melting part of the hatch because of the heat . Important thing is : we managed to open the damned thing … with the exception of a minor setback . While trying , without much success , I got frustrated and did a prayer to the Sun . The Almighty or whatever . I prayed to him , showing my worth by saying that I am not afraid of him , challenging him . I thought : If he 's so cool , he 'll appreciate cool . He didn 't . Long period of silence during which I puched the sword . It was somewhat made of metal , but I managed to break off a small chunk of it . After some time , I got a reply . In reply to my prayer , I got these burn marks … I didn 't appreciate the moment let 's say … I woke up later in the engineering bay , still cool . They guys managed to open the hatch and grab what was inside . You arrived shortly after on your new and … improved … ship and took us in this underground city . That 's mostly it . - Hey , Zain . I 'm bonding , telling him our tale of … burning swords and absence of loot . Plus , I 'm hurt and Derrick had some wine left . Who do you think I am ? - There ain 't no " I 'm alright " ye can say . The derringer can read yer mind . Shut up and talk already . I need a crew that can look in the horizon , not down on the deck ! What 's happened to ya kiddo ? - Well , you see , Kaelach , Fosco and I have been traveling together for a little while now . A little over a month ago something … bad … happened to the village we were staying in . At first I just couldn 't face the villagers , or either Fosco and Kaelach for that matter , so I ran away . Eventually , Fosco came to get me back , we talked a bit and he convinced me to come back with them , saying he needed me by his side . I followed , but I feel like there are still so much I would have to say to him … Yes , I know , it 's just much easier to say than to apply . Anyway , we got back to the new encampment . Kaelach was really affected by all this . I didn 't hear him say a word in a long time . When the night fell , the guardian , Okomba - I believe you know him , came to see us . He told us that if we wanted to have our vengeance , we needed to come to you to go at the " center " and get " what we needed " . Weapons , most likely , because the one we want to exert our vengeance on isn 't all that ordinary . - On the next morning , we set out to come at Skullbay . The journey was long . A whole month of walking , and Fosco got us lost . At least , Kaelach knew where he was going , though he did not open the mouth one single time . I was worried for him , but no matter what I would say or do , he wouldn 't talk . Fosco tried as well , it was just more … crude and not any more successful . After the month of travel , we were finaly close to Skullbay , but it wasn 't the end of it . While we arrived at the gorge overlooking the city , we found old " friends " of ours . You 've seen them too , you know , these black assassins that overran the city earlier ? Them . They wanted us to see their master . At first we thought it wouldn 't be so bad to avoid a fight . Though , they told us who their master was and we immediately had a burning desire NOT to go . They brought us to a cliff , with a dark portal over the crashing waves . So well , of course we didn 't want to jump off a cliff . They tried to push me , but I retaliated . No way in hell some black weirdos would kill me like that . The black weirdos saw it as an offense and decided to attack . There were too many of them , and on the side of a cliff , there was no way I could dodge . - No of course I didn 't die there , and I should thank Kaelach for that . He jumped in front of me to take the hit in my place . Though there was a lot of noise , I still heard him say two words : " Never again " . At that moment , I knew he was back with us and it eased a burden I felt . So I jumped in the melee and together we fought them . We did well , but at some point more and more were pouring out of the portal . We ran away to hide since we couldn 't beat so many . We went to Skullbay thinking we would be safe . Kaelach did an arm wrestling contest with a buffalo man and won , earning us a bit of money and leading us to you . I believe you know the rest of the story . - After that , those damned patron had no more booze , right ? What kinda place has no more booze anyway ! Can 't say it was nice o ' ye to throw me in the water like ye did , but hey , a man 's gotta do what a man 's gotta do . After that there was that big ass army of girl - dude - whatevers in black right ? I know how that ends , but damn , how did ye outrun a fuckin ' army in that stupid town ? - At first we tried to fight , but there was only so much we could do with three of us . I jumped in the bunch of them to distract them , Fosco somehow used a bow to attack them and Kaelach was casually swinging stands in their faces . Since they just kept on coming back , we started running . I lost them by hiding in a teahouse after quickly putting a drape on . I can 't say for the others , but my little finger tells me Kaelach went through the sewers . After I knocked one of the black widow assassins I stole his cape and ran to your ship . While I ran , Kaelach , in the sewers , grabbed my legs and pulled me down with him , probably thinking I was one of them . He quickly realized it was me and gave me a lift to the ship where Fosco was waiting . Luckily he was there to help us getting on board . - I do feel better , thank you Derrick . I guess I just needed to talk it out a bit . I was a bit mad at both of them because of what happened , but looking back , really I should thank them . - Hoy boy , don 't get no touchy feely here . I 'm a ship cap ' n , not a therapipe . There ain 't no place for more salt water on that ship so no tears allowed , understood ? Where to start … Maybe before everything got fucked up . We had been pushed aside by the Village to wait for our supposed affliction of " Sun Plague " to pass . We didn 't blow up , obviously , so in the meantime we busied ourselves getting accustomed to that new life we had . Zain explored , Kaelach rested and I fought imaginary foes and beasts with that sword I got , keeping my old habits , even though my fist and feet were probably more dangerous than my sword with all the glowing I did recently . Elder Cree came to see us at the camp , giving us yet another task to finally be part of the Tribe . I was beginning to wonder how many it would take to finally be accepted , even though they never did us any wrong ( besides cutting my arm , but I sorta asked for it . Plus they gave me my right arm back in the process , so in the end , I can 't really complain … ) We had to gather some flowers in a forest up north , then head back towards a cliff to meet with some sort of sage . So we gathered our things and headed for the forest . We crossed path with somebody who claimed to be the Guardian , I didn 't question anything too much but Kaelach followed him while Zain and I continued towards the forest to get the flowers , which was quite easy to do actually . We then headed back towards the Village and headed for the Sage 's hideout , carrying our precious yellow flowers . Arriving at the cliff , we climbed down , Kaelach carrying me on his shoulders . Expecting a hut , we found a slab barring the doorway . Surrounding it , symbols , none of which made any sense to us . We knew the flowers were supposed to be an offering , but all our attempts at moving the slab were pointless . We put the flowers to the ground , as an offering , but nothing happened . But then , I thought that an offering had to undergo some sort of process to be accepted by the receiver . Looking around , we found a brasero hidden in the ground . We put our flowers in and set fire to the lot . There was a huge fireball and thick grey smoke filled the little cranny in which we were standing , but luckily , nothing else happened . The slab moved slightly , leaving enough grip for Kaelach to move the huge rock . Inside , we met the Sage , an old man who has probably been living in here for aeons . He could barely talk , was deaf and blind , but kind and smooth . He gave us water and we helped him prepare some sort of mixture with various herbs and the flowers we burnt earlier . A thick blue smoke rose from there and symbols flashed before our eyes , scenes being drawn and displayed by the fumes . But not hallucinations , the smoke shaped itself to display the scenes . It was amazing . But one detail caught our attention . A pyramid . We told the sage what we saw and he drew a map , highlighting the pyramid . We knew our next step , but there was one last thing to do . In the cauldron from which the fumes came out , there was a silvery liquid . We dunk our fingers in the liquid ( damned was it hot ! ) and engraved our names on the stone surrounding the slab . This was a ledger of all the members of the tribe . We went back to the village and were greeted with a festival . One heck of a party . It was happy , it was light . People were drunk but not sick ( except that one guy … ) and we all had great fun . I did a few drinking contests with the locals and aced them all , then Kaelach came and ridiculously beated me at it . Still , I had fun and got drunk with people whom I appreciate and who appreciate me in return . It really felt good being welcome among the tribe , being appreciated for who we are and what we are . The next morning , we headed towards the pyramid . We borrowed two boats from the village and Zain and I build an improvised Catamaran , so that it wouldn 't sink with Kaelach sitting in it . We headed towards the pyramid , taking a rest after a full day of rowing . We didn 't have much left to do but we decided to pitch out tents and rest . Sadly , we were ( once again ) disturbed by Omen who thought it would be a good idea to interrupt us and ask us , once again , to be friends in exchange for our cooperation . He gave us some instructions as to how to get in the pyramid , we thanked him but did not want to talk more before talking between us . We thus agreed to meet again and made him promise no Behemoth would be close to disturb us , to which he agreed . We headed for the pyramid the next day , which was fairly easy to reach . Heading for the entry , we saw that the ground was littered with metallic parts similar to you Defend . ( Look at me , talking to a tin man . ) None were working , most were rusted beyond repair , but they were there . I 'm sure there is a link between that pyramid 's fate and the " caverns of steel " , but with a lack of proof , I 'll just continue my tale . We were soon disturbed by lizardmen who attacked us , but were quick to flee when they realized that we were badass . They quickly hid underground and left us inside the pyramid . We looked at the hieroglyphs and pictures engraved in the rock , trying to make sense out of the scenes depicted there . Many questions and little answers sadly . We saw the sun setting and decided it would be safer to head out and set camp a little away from where lizardmen may be lurking . The next day , we went to meet with Omen , merely out of respect for our word . It was a short trip to the meeting point and he appeared out of thin air , as he always did up to now . We began to talk about our respective goals and he finally told us why he wanted to be friends with us : to have us as minions . Oh , he may have said " Oh but it 's a harsh term , I used minions but it doesn 't say it all ! " It was too late . Kaelach was angry , and so was I . Kaelach was just more expressive about it and came down to threats . It 's then that Omen dropped the mask . We said no again , we wronged him , and he wanted to show us just how pissed he was . He pointed west , towards the village , and we saw smoke . He was right , no behemoths were at our meeting , but there was one at Rakanaton . It took us a few seconds to realize what was actually happening before we ran , once again drunk on adrenaline . It was a full day of boating before we reached the pyramid and , honestly , I don 't know how fast we travelled . All I know is that by the time we arrived , I was spent , I didn 't have anything left in my body , but we were too late . All that was left of Rakanaton were smothered ruins . We saw Elder Cree 's hut , Kaelach rushed inside . I stayed out and waited it out . The hut crumbled and the only thing still standing was the giant amidst the wooden rubble . I … I fell to my knees . I sat down . I did not say anything , all my might focused on staying strong for the village . But I couldn 't . I couldn 't cry , but I couldn 't stand . I 've been wronged again . Confidence had built up but now it was smothered , ruined by the embers of the village . I just sat there , looking at the rubble , sobbing amongst the toppled trees . I must 've stayed there for hours , just thinking about what happened and why . What I could 've done . Once the rain stopped falling people started coming out and each of us had a little moment . I , for my part , stood up . I had grieved Cree and the village , I 'm still doing so as we speak , but grief will not stop me from doing what I had set on doing . There 's only a slight change of plan … I brought some villagers with me , all those who wanted to follow , here , at the Caverns of Steel . I introduced them to you as guests of honor in the hopes to settle a new village , a new home for all those grieving men and women . Kaelach followed but I didn 't hear his voice in days now . Zain wussed out and ran away . I tried catching him , but he lost me in the woods . I 'll send search parties and I 'll go looking for him myself . I 'll have to have a chat with Kaelach , try to get him back on my side of the fence , try to distance him from his grief , try to convince to do as me . The Councilor was at the top of my kill - list , but suddenly he isn 't anymore . No , in his place is Omen , spoiled child who threw a murderous tantrum because he could not have his glowy boy - toys . We did nothing but choose and he murdered a village because of that . I think we could not have made a better choice , what kind of guardian would sell his soul to the Fae for a meager bit of power . I fear that instead of using a behemoth to slaughter the village , he would 've used us . And I 'm pretty sure of the option I prefer . I 'll have to speak with Kaelach and Zain , try to get them back on track . In the last days , I 've been leading the efforts of building back what we lost , try to stockpile some food and all . But all I know is how to give orders . I 'm no dictator , but what those people need is a role model , and that 's the opposite of who I am . - Okok ! Quit that . I still don 't get it but I believe you … . So the people who you used to work for used to do that ? - Ok then … So here goes … My name is Kaelach Lochain . I grew up mostly on the isle of Gaelach , one of the six nation - isles . It was all well and good until I got to Guang Dong . My tribe chef told me to come because he wanted to show me off to the leaders of the other isles . See , I 'm abnormally strong and tall … I guess he tought it 'd be a sign of strength to them … Anyway . The diplomatic meetings were about a seventh isle , from the north , that was to come down here and attack us to enslave us . The idea was to form some sort of alliance to be able to push them back . Wasn 't really working . But then what do I know ? The meeting was to last 7 days and I only stayed there for one . During that day , I met Zain , Fosco and the Councillor . He told us three he had a mission for the three of us that night at midnight . We were all curious so we went , of course . We absolutely had no idea that he was going to stab us in the back like he did . But … Knowing what happened next I think I still would have gone … Once we got to the meeting point , the only thing we found was the dead body of the empress . Before we could do anything , the guards were upon us . None of us resisted , of course . We were as shocked as the rest of them . For the rest of that night , we were tortured and questioned . Well . . I can 't really tell for the others . I know I was . We didn 't really get any sort of trial . I guess regicide is too big of a crime to be taken objectively . And the Councillor probably was working behind the scenes for us to be sentenced to death like we were . Anyway , with the first light of dawn , we were on the edge of the isle and promptly pushed down . I don 't know for how long we fell but it seemed like an eternity . I woke up when I heard a voice calling me . Fosco , one of the two that fell with me was calling out in pain . Not far from us , Zain , was slowly coming to in a little pond . Both had broken limbs and were in bad need for help . I figured we needed to stick together . After all , we were all alone and we would need to stick together to survive . Having no idea what Roko was , we started following the path they 'd show us , until we heard a voice . The voice told us how we were dead and how we were going to get killed . And that 's when we saw the behemoth . I 'm not ashamed to say that I ran . I ran as fast as I possibly could and we still couldn 't distance the beast . Fortunately , the same men who pointed me in the direction of the monster pointed me back in another direction . Having nowhere else to go , I followed their direction . Eventually , the monster was stopped and we got to the Rakanaton village . For the first time , we were … Received . The elder of the village allowed us to stay for a week where the Fosco and Zain could be healed and I would work . During that week , I spent most mornings learning their language and during the afternoon , I would do all kinds of work to help the tribe . Woodcutting , hunting , gathering food and even building treehouses . Never in that time was I remotely considered part of their group , but I could see they enjoyed my help . After the week was over , the elder asked to leave . Fosco had lost an arm but all his other limbs and Zain 's leg had healed . He did tell us , though , that we could face a trial to win our place among the tribe . By getting to the cobweb throne , we would be given a challenge . If we won this challenge , we could stay . If we failed , well … We 'd be dead anyway . So we left towards the throne . The way was mostly without incidents . Except for one meeting with Omen . He was the voice who told us we were dead . He eventually explained that he didn 't mean for us to die and that he was only doing his role that was to stir behemoths . He also said he wanted to warn us and that the only thing waiting for us at the cobweb throne was to be eaten by a big spider . We were unsure whether we should believe him or not . But it didn 't stop us from going to the throne . Once we got there , we were greeted by … A man ? A spider ? A bit of both ? Whatever it was , it didn 't seemed surprised to see us . It asked us to make a promise . A promise to fight the wyld , to stand for ideals … To become heroes . We all agreed . At the same time , we could feel Omen getting angry . The man - spider gave us each an egg to bring to the caves of steel . There , the spider told us we could find what we needed to hold our promise . Soon after , we left . Nothing much happened during that leg of our journey . When we got to the caves , we only could explore for a bit before you attacked us . I don 't really remember what happened next … Only that we woke up glowing . We tought it was the sunplague … But evidently not , since we 're still alive … We were … Changed . Stronger . Better in almost every way . Nothing could stop us . Not even the black widow assassins that were waiting for us outside the caves . After a brief discussion , they decided to let us run . For their enjoyment they said . That showed them I guess . We started running . But we were reaching speeds that we could never have dreamt of before . Soon enough , we made up a plan to lead them to the behemoth . But , as soon as we lost them and started hearing their cries , we knew we couldn 't just let them die . We swore to protect , to defend . To be heroes . So we went back to save them . From then to now , it was fairly straightforward . The assassins left without even a thank you and we went back to the village . They said we were real members of the village now . But that in order to keep the village safe , we should spend a few days farther in the woods . Kust in case it actually was sunplague . We found a small hunting cabin and … That 's pretty much it ! It 's actually quite a lot . But yeah , I guess I 'm done . The retribution was a time of change for humanity , of Chaos brought about by great upheavals in the ways of the world . But over time , stability returned to Creation , or rather a new equilibrium emerged . The Three Kingdoms fight for God and honor , but never score lasting victories . The traders trade , the raiders raid , and the sun rises even for those who don 't worship it . But recently , things have been … different . Palaces are filled with whispered rumors of the pessimist sort , and kings are listening closely . The air is tense , like a rubber band about to break . Superstition dictates that the time of Joining , when all the Roaming Isles cross paths over the Blessed Isle within a short span of time , is a time of misfortune and danger . But is it just superstition , or does this tradition perhaps conceal a grain of truth ? And you , though of low position , have been chosen to join this delegation . Let 's just hope your skills come in handy … Whatever they are . The adventure log is where you list the sessions and adventures your party has been on , but for now , we suggest doing a very light " story so far " post . Just give a brief overview of what the party has done up to this point . After each future session , create a new post detailing that night 's adventures . One final tip : Don 't stress about making your Obsidian Portal campaign look perfect . Instead , just make it work for you and your group . If everyone is having fun , then you 're using Obsidian Portal exactly as it was designed , even if your adventure log isn 't always up to date or your characters don 't all have portrait pictures . |
I got out of the van and followed Augie across the street . We passed several dreary frame houses darkened by years of factory smoke before pausing in front of the steep concrete steps leading to 1686 Marshall Street . Augie stopped for a moment and looked up at the tall , narrow house , built into the hillside . It was painted a steel gray that blended almost perfectly with the winter sky that day , and it seemed to peer down at me with a Gothic solemness from atop the steep steps . Suddenly , there was a thunderous crash and squealing of metal that seemed to shake the pavement beneath us . I jumped back involuntarily and jerked my head around looking for the source . Augie erupted into delighted laughter and pointed to the long rows of freight cars being coupled at the railroad junction a few blocks away . We passed the front door and went around back to a small porch that held an old refrigerator and several tires . Augie paused to take a breath then knocked loudly . " Here goes nothing , " he said . After a moment the door swung slowly open and a stern face came into view . " Christ , " Rose bellowed , seeing who it was and flinging open the door . " The way you were banging I thought it was the cops or the IRS . " Giving us an exaggerated once - over he added , " Maybe I 'd be better off if it was . " As soon as we 'd closed the door behind us he offered me his thick , muscular hand . " Good to see you , " he said . His firm , friendly grip and warm tone immediately melted my nervousness and left me with a brief sensation of well - being . Then he turned to Augie . " You 're late , " he said , gesturing to the room . " Your charges from Cleveland have been here for over an hour . " I was so absorbed in Rose 's greeting that only then did I take in the surroundings . We were in a kitchen crammed full of people sitting around a large formica table in an assortment of mismatched chairs . There were three old refrigerators , all of which appeared to have received a recent coat of an odd peach - colored paint , and against one wall was an antique porcelain sink . The gas stove had two burners lit , but nothing cooking on them , and in a corner was an enormous brown gas heater , creaking and popping . The only wall not covered with plumbing or appliances contained a large , hand - made shelf jammed full of books , papers , and writing supplies . " Best I can do , " he said , pushing them towards the table . Augie grabbed the footstool and I was left with the step - chair , which was uncomfortably high and had no arms . I pulled it closer to the table and tried to rest my elbows there , but the angle was wrong . The table itself was covered with pens and spiral notebooks , and an old iron typewriter . Mixed with the papers were a variety of cups and spoons , no two of common origin . Rose filled the kettle with water and placed it on one of the already - flaming burners . " Well , Augie , " Rose said , gesturing to the gathering , " at least you sent me a better crowd than last time . There don 't seem to be any witches in the bunch , at least . " Rose ignored him and addressed the rest of the group . " A few weeks ago Augie shows up at my doorstep with two scraggly women , looking just as proud as can be . Pelts . I send him out looking for serious seekers and all he 's worried about is numbers . He thinks his mission in life is to see how many pelts he can drag home to the master 's house , " Rose laughed . A few people frowned at being compared to animal hides , but Rose either didn 't notice or didn 't care . " Awful looking women . One had long black hair that hung down across her face , which was a blessing . Every now and then , though , she 'd lean her head back and the hair would fall away from her face . God almighty . It was like stage curtains opening on a Greek tragedy . " Everyone laughed , Augie the loudest . " Of course , " he said , " the psychiatrists would say they hadn 't taken a bath , or they 'd been eating matches or something . But this one woman in particular . . . What the hell was her name ? " " Right , right . I 'm terrible with names . She had this floating eye - - each of her eyeballs worked independently . Anyhow , I kept seeing this shadowy figure standing behind her . So finally I said to her , ' Do you mind if I ask you a personal question ? ' And she said , ' No , go right ahead . ' So I said , ' Do you have an entity that travels with you ? ' And she says , ' Oh yes , I have five of them . ' " As he said this , Rose mimicked her squeaky voice so humorously that I surprised myself by bursting out laughing . Rose looked over and directed the rest of the story to me . " So I asked her , ' Do you mind showing me where one is ? ' And she says , ' Not at all , ' and points right to this shadow I see hanging over her left shoulder . You should have seen Augie , " Rose said , forming his fingers into big circles around his eyes . " His eyeballs was like this . " Augie shook his head and laughed . " It was a circus upstairs that night , " he said . " Those two women had the room at the end of the hall , and three of us guys were sleeping in the middle room . None of us wanted to be near the door . Every time I woke up the other guys had moved behind me , so that I was the closest to the door . Then I 'd stand up with my sleeping bag and move behind them again . Before the night was over we were huddled in the far corner sleeping on top of each other . " Rose and Augie started laughing again , each chipping in a fresh detail now and then , getting more giddy with each memory . Rose was actually holding his sides as if they hurt . For what seemed a long time they stayed lost in their laughter , leaving the rest of us to get what humor we could from the situation . I found it contagious , but most of the people at the table seemed uneasy . When they finally stopped laughing the room was silent for a moment while Rose and Augie coughed and wiped their eyes . The idea that entities and possession might be real phenomena , not just the stuff of horror movies , was totally foreign to me . I wanted Rose to elaborate , but felt uncomfortable asking him any questions . " Why would you put up with it ? " asked a short red - haired boy named Jeremy . " I mean , why waste your time with people like that . " Rose smiled at him . " Who am I to say ? " he said . " Sure I 'd like to work with more serious people , people who are already on the edge , people I could push into something enormous . But I have to figure that everyone who crosses my path is sent for a reason , even if I don 't know what that reason might be . " " Do you talk about your philosophy with everyone you know or meet , then ? At the store ? Neighbors ? " Jeremy persisted . " Hell no , " Rose replied . The kettle started whistling and he removed it from the burner . " People here in Benwood think I 'm a gangster . I encourage that . If they knew I was a philosopher they wouldn 't give me such a wide berth . " " You can 't act the same with everyone , " he said . " When you get around hillbillies , you just smile and think of cows . " He dropped a tea bag into the cup and carefully poured in the water . " Thank you , Mister Rose , " I said , as he handed it to me , surprised to hear a slight catch in my voice . Something about his series of simple gestures had unexpectedly moved me . " Anybody else ready ? " He held up the kettle . Several people took him up on the offer and Rose refilled their cups before returning the kettle to the stove and sitting down in an old wooden swivel chair , the kind you see in attics and basements and very old offices . He leaned back , rocked slowly , and sipped his tea . Then he continued with his thought . " People here have known me and my family all our lives . My grandfather built this house . My father shot a man a few blocks from here . Your hometown is generally the last place anyone will take you seriously . What 's it say in the Bible about Christ going back to his village ? Something about not doing any great works there because of their unbelief . That 's true . That 's the way it is . " " But , but . . . Christ was the son of God , " Jeremy persisted . " So are we all - - if we care to be . If we become who we really are . Like Christ says , ' The works that I do you will do also , and more . ' " " What I mean is , I 've studied the Bible and . . . " " I gave the Bible a good hard look myself , believe me . I was in a seminary for five years , studying to be a priest . Went in when I was twelve and left when I was seventeen . You can 't join a seminary that young anymore , but they took ' em early in those days . It was beautiful there for awhile . " " Why did you leave ? " someone else asked . Jeremy looked irritated at the change in subject . " I left because I couldn 't get any answers . I 'd ask about something that was bothering me , like the origin of time or the limits of the universe , and they 'd tell me to forget those kinds of questions and just have faith . Then they 'd quote Thomas Aquinas : ' The finite mind can never perceive the infinite , ' they 'd say . Which as it turns out is true as far as it goes . But what Aquinas never caught on to was that the finite mind can become less finite . " Anyway , these priests got tired of my questions and told me I had to just perform God 's will as the Church decreed it , or else . Told me I could go to Hell for doubting . I mean , even then I began to sense the manifest absurdity of it all . Here we 're given this microscopic intelligence to work with , yet God 's going to damn us eternally if we can 't guess what He wants from us - - and He 's not talking ! " And so , " Rose said over the laughter , " I rejected it all . " " Mister Rose , " Augie said , " don 't you think it 's unusual , though , for a person to be as curious about religion and philosophy as you were at that age ? " " Maybe , I don 't know . Part of it had to do with my mother , who was a devout Catholic . She had me convinced that priests talked directly to God . This intrigued me . But even as a small child I had a certain curiosity . One of my earliest memories is writing over and over on a piece of paper : ' Many are called . Few are chosen . ' " " Oh , I don 't know , maybe . " Rose grinned mischievously . " That , and catching the woman I was going to marry in bed with a lesbian . " There was scattered , uncertain laughter , except for Augie , who howled . Rose took a sip of tea . " When I was in my twenties I pursued a very ascetic lifestyle , " he said finally . " I had decided to make my body a laboratory rather than a cesspool . I did yoga and quit eating meat . I meditated for hours at a time . Every six months I changed jobs so my brain wouldn 't harden . I had no attachments , nothing tearing at my hide . If my intuition told me something might possibly be of benefit , I gave it a try . " And most important , I believe , to my eventual discovery , was celibacy . Between the ages of twenty - one and twenty - eight I was totally celibate . I was celibate because my intuition told me it was worth a try , and because all the people I 'd read about who 'd achieved anything of a spiritual nature had an energy retention plan - - they were celibate . Today there 's beginning to be scientific evidence that explains why this works . The discovery of prostaglandins and serotonin , for instance - - these are the seeds of genius . But back then it was just intuition and a willingness to try anything that might contribute to my becoming a spiritual being . Celibacy just seemed logical , and I liked not having any hooks digging into me . " I looked around the table and sensed the discomfort everyone felt with this topic . None of us liked hearing that celibacy was an important part of the path . Anything but that . Rose took a sip of tea before continuing . " But when I got to be twenty - eight years of age I took stock of myself and had to admit that even though I 'd had some beautiful experiences , I still didn 't know anything . I still didn 't know who I was or what was going to happen to me when I died . I decided then that I 'd been wasting my life with this spiritual stuff . I figured the best thing to do was to forget the search and get on with the business of being a good animal , at least . So I followed this woman I knew out to Seattle . Her family was rich and we got along okay - - she liked my poetry , at least - - so I figured this would be a pretty good setup . I 'd marry her and live off her money . " Rose laughed contagiously . " But once I got out there I went back to my old ways . I kept drifting down to the library to read esoteric books , or ending up in a yoga pose , meditating . I was trying to forget the search for Truth because I was convinced it was a waste of time , but I was too far along to put it down and walk away from it . I couldn 't stop . I had become the search . " Anyway , I worked as a waiter at the Seattle Tennis Club . She had a job riveting airplanes . We were on different shifts so we didn 't get to see much of each other . But one day I got off early and decided to stop by and surprise her . " She lived on the third floor of a boarding house , and her room was right across from the steps . When I got to the top of the stairs I heard strange noises coming from her apartment , so I put my ear to the door . I heard her voice , squeaky bed springs , and a deeper voice . " I raised my fist to pound on the door , but then thought better of it . There was only one bathroom on the floor , so I decided to sit down on the stairs and wait ' em out . They 'd have to come out eventually and I 'd see who the guy was . " Sure enough , after an hour or so I heard the sound of heavy work boots . I stood up and the door opens . Out she walks with her lover . Except it wasn 't a man . Her lover was a thick - legged woman with short hair . " " So I stumbled back to my hotel room in shock - - I had a cheap room over top of a Japanese restaurant . Next thing you know I 'm propping myself up with my feet tucked under me in a yoga pose to meditate . But I 'd barely got started when something happened . " It began with a tremendous pain right in the top of my head . Now I 've had pain before , but nothing like this . Tears were streaming down my face . I couldn 't stand it . My head felt like it was going to explode , and I thought , ' Oh boy , three thousand miles from home and here I go . ' I was convinced I was dying . Nobody could have that much pain and live . I remember thinking it must be a stroke , and I worried about how my people were going to get my body back home . They didn 't have money to be shipping bodies across the country . " Then , at the peak of the pain , I went out the window . I could see the Cascade mountains from my hotel room , and that 's where I went - - out the window and towards those snow - capped mountains . I was aware of seeing people on the street , except that I was above them . I passed over the people , and then over the mountains , and I watched this just like I was in an airplane . And I kept going out until I arrived at a ' place . ' I don 't say where . It wasn 't the Cascades or anywhere else I knew . It wasn 't on Earth because there was no sun , there was no sky . I simply arrived at a high place , and it was beautiful . " I became aware at some point that I was in a causal realm - - that I was the reason for its existence , that whatever I thought became a reality . In other words , I was causing things to happen , to be created , merely by desiring or thinking about them . The thought passed through me then that I was alone and that I wanted to see humanity - - all of it . And so they appeared , all of humanity - - everyone who had ever lived , everyone who ever would live - - covering a huge mountain below me , crawling over each other like maggots , trying to get to the top . I was aware that they were engaged in a struggle that had an ultimate spiritual goal , but their immediate lives and pleasures were pathetic . I was still in some sort of astral form at this point - - still maintaining an attachment to the body and to these people - - and so I felt a tremendous amount of grief and sadness for their seemingly senseless struggle . " I knew that if I desired I could pick out individuals , that I could see any man or woman who ever lived or ever would live . Because there was no such thing as time . These people were all living now - - no matter what the earth time was for their lives - - and all I had to do was pick them out , if I wished . " So I thought to myself , if everyone is down there , then I must be there , too . And I looked down into the maggot pile , and there I was - - Richard Rose . I could see myself struggling down there , the little man , happy in his illusion . I could see his whole life pattern . " And then I thought , ' If that 's Richard Rose down there , who 's watching all this ? ' Suddenly I realized I was not just my individual self . I was the whole mass of humanity and the Observer watching it all - - I was Everything . This propelled me into an indescribable experience of what I can only call ' Everything - ness . ' Rose paused for a moment and looked around the table . When he resumed speaking his voice had a distant quality . " There 's just no words … no way I can talk about what that was … no way to begin to describe the … " his voice trailed off , "… the Totality . " The room stayed silent as Rose took a sip of tea . " Then , as I was experiencing this Everything - ness , this Totality , I got to wondering , ' If this is Everything , then what 's Nothing ? ' Because even though I was in an Absolute dimension I still carried traces of my relative mind , which is always looking for dualities , for opposites . " As soon as the thought of ' Nothing ' occurred I started falling . I fell through an incredible void and blackness . And I thought , ' Oh boy , this is it . I 'm gone forever . ' But I wasn 't . At the end of Nothingness I was back on Earth , in my room in Seattle . " And strangely enough , something was aware of the Nothingness as I fell , and of the Everything - ness as I took command of creation . That 's why I say , in the final analysis , what you are is the Observer . That which you see is never you . That which sees , that 's you . " How do you function here , having been to where you 've been and then finding yourself back where you are now , wherever that is ? " The questioner , a prematurely balding youth with sad black eyes , fumbled for words . Rose nodded encouragingly to show he understood . " I do nothing and yet everything gets done . Upon returning , you are aware of your projections , of feeling beauty and the like , but you always know that it 's not real , that it 's nothing . " " I 'm not sure I understand your question , " Rose said . " I 'm not interested in being a functional person , if that 's what you mean . I do a lot of things , but I don 't make plans . " Rose gestured to his surroundings with both arms . " You call this living ? " Everyone burst out laughing . I looked over at Augie , who gave me an uncharacteristically sheepish grin . " Actually , this is what I do , " Rose went on . " Maybe it 's my own peculiar form of vanity , but teaching is my only excuse for living . If it wasn 't for the group I 'd probably be off in a cave somewhere , muttering to myself . " Everyone laughed loudly again , but I could not seem to join in . Thoughts and emotions I didn 't recognize were stirring inside me and I felt the need of being alone for a few minutes . Throughout the morning I had seen several other people leave the kitchen through a closed interior door , presumably to use the bathroom , so I stood up and headed that way . The door led to a dim hallway , and I was hit by a wave of cold air as I stepped into it . It was like walking outside . Apparently the kitchen was the only heated room in the house . The only light in the hall came from a narrow translucent transom window over the front door at the far end . I hurried past several other closed doors , two of them secured with steel padlocks , and ran up the bare wooden stairs , my footfalls echoing in the dark cold . The three upstairs bedroom doors were open . The room at the top of the stairs appeared to be the women 's bedroom , with its dressers and mirrors and neatly made beds . The middle room - - furnished with bare mattresses on the floor , cardboard boxes full of clothes , and orange crates for tables - - was obviously inhabited by males . The third room was plastered with psychedelic posters and probably belonged to Rose 's teenage son , James , whom Augie had told me still lived there with Rose . The bathroom was warmer than the hallway thanks to a small space heater that glowed in the partial darkness . A huge claw - foot bathtub stood off to one side , and above the commode was a list of do 's - and - don ' ts designed to make one - bathroom communal living somewhat workable . I read them as I stood there . At the bottom of the list was the signature " R . " As I washed my hands I glanced at myself in the distorted old mirror above the sink . Taped to the top of the mirror was a piece of paper with a question in block letters : " WHAT IS YOUR REAL FACE ? " At the top of the steps I heard the muffled sound of Rose 's voice followed by the sound of laughter , including his . Like a paranoid child , I found myself worrying that they might be laughing at me . I stopped to try and make out the words , and as I stood in the cold , windowless hallway a strange sadness overcame me . I was overwhelmed by an incredible longing , an irresistible feeling of loss and nostalgia . I wanted to be home . I thought of being by a warm fire with the smell of my mother 's cooking in the air , but the sadness deepened because somehow that wasn 't it . That wasn 't home . My knees began to quiver in the cold and emotion . I had never felt so lost and alone . I sat down heavily in the middle of the stairs and began to cry . After several minutes I heard the kitchen door open and the sound of footsteps in the hall . I jumped to my feet , composed myself as best I could , and hurried down the rest of the steps . There in the hallway was Rose . " Sure , sure . " he said , reaching into his pocket and pulling out an enormous set of keys . He closed the door he had started to open and led me instead down the hallway to the room furthest from the kitchen . He flipped through his keys for the right one and unlocked the door . This room was even more cluttered than the kitchen . A unmade cast - iron bed with sagging mattress was shoved into one corner with several pieces of clothing draped over it . Against one wall stood a pair of black steel filing cabinets , one of them with an open drawer . I glanced at the manila folders that were jammed in there and noticed that each had a person 's name on it . Cardboard boxes full of newspaper and magazine clippings were pushed up against the walls , and the dresser and tables were covered with stacks of books and pamphlets . What appeared to be manuscript pages of a book he was writing were spread out on an old wooden desk . He made small talk by telling me about some of the things in the room . The filing cabinets , he said , were filled with forty years of correspondence - - every letter he had ever received , and carbon copies of every one he had written . Some were responses to ads he had placed in occult magazines or from people who had run across his book , and I learned that it was not unusual for him to correspond for years with people he had never met . " I 've turned up some real characters over the years , " he said . " I guess that comes with the territory . " " Oh , they 're all right , I guess . Some of them may be sincere . It 's not my place to judge . They 've come through the door for some reason . You can tell by the way things happen that it 's no accident . But once they disappear , they seem to be gone forever . Not many stay in touch . Of course , everyone has to take off some day . That is , if they 're ever going to have any sort of spiritual realization of their own . " He smiled . " If they didn 't leave , I 'd have to kick ' em out . " " You know , Mister Rose , I don 't know how to describe it exactly , but right before I came downstairs and ran into you in the hallway , I was overcome by some kind of powerful homesickness , or something . Almost out of nowhere . I just felt incredibly sad and alone . " He smiled warmly . " You miss little Davie , " he said . His voice was still warm and fatherly , but his words were like a slap in the face . I felt set up . My urge to cry disappeared completely . " Nobody wants to give up his cozy illusions , " he went on , " no matter how painful they are . Most people never do . They never even consider it . A few people , though - - the lucky ones - - have something happen to them that makes them start to grow up . They begin to see through the illusion just enough to get curious . So they look into it a little , then a little more , and they begin to see that this life isn 't at all what it seems . After that , finding out the Truth becomes the only thing that matters . " " Only you would know , " Rose said . " I 'm here and talking for those that already find themselves on the path and are looking for help . I don 't go out looking for converts . My own children , in fact , have no spiritual interest . There 's nothing I can do about that , no matter how much I might wish it for them . " A couple of years ago , for instance , my daughter Ruth was home from college on summer break . I 'd just finished writing The Albigen Papers , and I hoped maybe it might stir something spiritual in her if she read it . But I had to give it to her at the right time and in the right way . One morning I came into the kitchen and she 's at the sink , finishing up the breakfast dishes . Did you notice how low the sink is ? " " My mother was a tiny woman and my father put that sink in for her . So anyway , Ruth is standing there and I figure this might be a good time to ask her . So I gave her the manuscript and told her I wanted to get some feedback , to find out if it was worth trying to get the thing published . Which was also true . I did value her opinion - - she 's always been a bright girl , sensitive and level - headed . She said , ' Sure . ' " I figured eventually she 'd tell me what was on her mind , but a couple of weeks went by and she still hadn 't said anything about the book . So finally one day when we were alone I brought it up . ' By the way , Ruth , ' I said , ' I never got a chance to talk to you about my book . What did you think ? ' " I 'll never forget the look on her face when she turned around , almost angry . She looked me in the eye and said , ' Daddy , I know you 're God . But I 've got games to play . ' " I didn 't know what to say . Rose remained silent . He was looking in my direction , yet his eyes did not seem to be focused on me , but rather on a point somewhere behind me . " I guess I 'm in the same boat , " I said finally . " I 'm afraid that if I get involved in this work I 'll never get a chance to experience all the things I want to do in life . " Rose 's eyes re - focused on my face . " Every one of us has some game we feel compelled to play , " he said , " especially when we 're young . We think we 're unique and important , and that God put us here to have lots of fun because he loves us so much . But it 's a trap . Our lives are nothing more than a series of distractions . " One of the most difficult things for people on a spiritual path to get away from is cowardice - - allowing things to happen to them because ' God wants them to happen . ' And while you 're indulging in some fascination or another you 're convinced , ' This is important , this is my destiny , this is the real me . ' But after your appetite is sated , you look up and shake your head and wonder what is was that possessed you . Whole lives pass that way , moving from one distraction and disappointment to another , and people never wise up - - until it 's too late . Rose didn 't say anything for a moment either , then he stood up . " Well , we better get back to the kitchen before Augie caves in any more of my chairs , " he said . " He has two to his credit already . That boy has the grace of a walrus . " I followed Rose down the unheated hallway , past the rooms he had abandoned in favor of strangers who would someday abandon him , and into the warm , vibrant kitchen where Augie was happily holding forth , laughing , rocking back on the old oak stool that creaked and groaned as if ready to break apart at any moment . " . . . so the guy says , ' I don 't have to leave . This is a public meeting and I can do whatever I want . ' Mister Rose just looks at him and says , ' Oh , you 're leaving all right . That much has been established . The only question is whether it 's by the door or window . . . . ' " |
" Hog butcher for the world , Toll maker , Stacker of wheat , Player with Railroads and the Nation 's Freight Handler , " or as it 's better known , Chicago , Illinois . The sun was setting Thursday night as our plane landed at O ' Hare airport and it was dark by the time our taxi let us off in front of the hotel on Lake Shore Drive . I stood on the sidewalk with the luggage , while Sid paid the cab driver . I looked at him suspiciously . Flipping a coin to decide something was not unusual for us . Sid almost invariably suggested it , flipped the coin and won . I almost always called heads , and as I thought about it that night , I realized I had never seen that quarter come up anything but tails . " A young lady gave that to me , just before I left for Nam . Made me promise to always carry it with me . She said it was a good luck piece . " It wasn 't the Tonight Show , or even Johnny Carson , that Sid minded so much . He hates commercials . That 's one of the reasons why he almost never watches television . On the rare occasions there 's something on commercial television he really wants to see , during the commercials he 'll take the remote control and switch channels every three seconds until his program is back on . That drives me nuts . We had a rather nasty fight last spring when I got fed up with his channel switching and hid the remote control during the third episode of a mini - series we both wanted to see . We never did resolve the remote control issue , but we did decide it wasn 't worth fighting over . Of course , we 've been known to have occasional friendly wrestling matches over it . I was already in my nightgown and robe . I took a pillow and lay on my belly with my head at the foot of the bed and chest propped up by the pillow . The anchorman was introduced and the camera zoomed in on him . " Good evening . In tonight 's top story , a shootout with police in New Orleans has solved the murders of two women , one in Orlando and the other in San Francisco . Paul DeNaio , with our New Orleans affiliate , has that story . Paul ? " " The suspects exited the alley over there , firing their guns , " said Wilkes in that wooden tone all police spokespeople seem to use . " We , uh , don 't know at this time who they were shooting at . The officers were on patrol , heard the gunshots , and came around the corner , there , identified themselves , and then returned fire . " DeNaio picked it up . " The body of a third man , whose name has not been released was also found in the alley . Police believe the gun battle may be connected . The gunmen were identified as Lyle Kisko and Arnold Shipner . Kisko died at the scene . Shipner died later this morning at New Orleans General Hospital . " " Today , a routine check matched Kisko 's fingerprints with those found in connection with the strangling death of Laura Fredrickson , a tour director who worked at Disney World . Fredrickson 's body was found at the Orlando , Florida resort last Friday , May 27th . Orlando police were already comparing notes on a similar murder in San Francisco on May 12th , that of Gina Delacando , an independent insurance sales rep from Washington D . C . Semen samples from both Kisko and Shipman have been shipped to Orlando and San Francisco police departments and early results look promising . The question now remains why and how did Kisko and Shipman attack two women on two separate coasts and what relation those crimes might have , if any , to the death of the third man here in New Orleans . This is Paul DeNaio , ABC News . " " Why do I get the feeling that Laura Fredrickson did not show up for her drop ? " I asked . " And that you took advantage of the fact that the transmitters were not working to avoid telling me ? " " That 's not necessarily why . " Trying to keep a grip on his temper , he paced . " Damn it , I was already all tensed up with being horny and all , and then she didn 't show , and I had a bad feeling I knew why , and I just didn 't want you to have look at another corpse . I was trying to spare you , and that , I swear , is the truth . " I nearly shrieked . " What do I have to do to prove myself to you ? Okay , I used to panic because I was new to this , but are you going to hold that against me forever ? " " Then will you get it through your thick skull that I don 't want to be protected ? Yeah , I 've got a problem , but it 's not going to get any better if you keep shielding me from it . I thought we were a team . How can we be if you hold stuff back from me ? " " I didn 't mean to . " He looked at me helplessly . " Look , I 'm sorry . I don 't know what happened . I wasn 't exactly thinking straight . Anyway , it scared the hell out of me . I was having enough trouble holding myself together . I didn 't think I could hold you too . " " I should have . " He sat down in a chair next to the dresser . " I don 't want to hurt you and I 'm sorry if I have . I know it 's been a while since we 've been working together , but I 'm still not used to having another person around . I 've been alone all my life and I 've preferred it that way . " He sighed . " I intensely dislike being vulnerable , and I don 't like saying how I feel . It 's extremely hard for me to tell you I feel afraid , or that I feel anything at all . Even when I 'm angry at you , I have to be in control . That 's the worst of what you 've done to me , and probably the best . You make me own up to my feelings , at least to myself . Handling all that , I … " He shook his head , unable to finish . He got up , restlessly . " Sid , " I took his hand as he passed close to me and patted the bed next to me . He looked at me puzzled but sat down . I turned his back to me and gently rubbed it in a circular pattern . " I just want you to understand that I can be strong , too , " I said . " And I don 't care if you 're weak . For heaven 's sake , if you keep trying to be strong for both of us , all you 'll do is hurt yourself . I don 't want to see that . " He turned to me and gently laid his hand on my cheek . It was soft and his thumb tenderly caressed me . He began to move towards me , his lips barely parted . I let out a strangled little cry , afraid that I could not resist him . Apparently , he thought I could , for he stopped and shook his head , withdrawing his hand . " Don 't be . Don 't ever be . You can 't be sorry for your need to say no to me any more than I can be sorry for my need to make love to you . " " I won 't . Nor will you . It would hurt both of us too much . When we come together , it will be on terms we both agree on , happily . " I smiled at him knowing there wasn 't any somewhere in the middle and half - fearing that there was . Sid pulled me up off the bed and took the bedspread , extra blanket , and my pillow . Quickly , silently , he made up the bed on the floor . He turned to me . " He 's Damon Savallo , a top man , adopted in 1979 . He 's black , about six three , and big . His cover is as a talent scout for the Chicago White Sox . He transferred in from division 57J when our group needed some extra bodies . His references were excellent , and he has exceeded expectations . " Sid took off a few minutes later , and I ordered a second breakfast with extra bacon . I had seen a bookshop in the lobby and figured I could augment the Victorian Poets with a good murder mystery but didn 't find any to my liking , or anything else I felt like reading . So I explored the hotel . I was delighted to find a laundromat on the bottom floor . I didn 't know what Sid was planning on doing about the dirty clothes situation . But I knew what I was going to do that day . I hurried back to the room . While gathering together the laundry , I decided to take a chance on having the dry cleaning done . Not that I was worried about the hotel . I was sure they , or whoever did their dry cleaning , were competent and I was able to get it in in time for one - day service . I was worried about a possible quick departure . Doing the laundry myself , I had a little more control on what would be left behind if we had to leave Chicago suddenly . The drop went fine , without hint of a tail or trouble . Sid checked in and came back to the hotel around three thirty , humming " Marianne . " I was on the bed , surrounded by a pile of underwear and socks . " And dried them . They 're hanging in the closet . They 're not a bit wrinkled . I hung them and your washable pants up straight from the dryer . That 's one advantage to cheap clothes . " " Oh no , " he groaned . He pulled out one of the shirts on its hanger and fussed with the collar . " Look at that . Limp . " He turned and gestured with the shirt . " I like my collars , cuffs , and fronts lightly starched . That 's why I use a laundry service . " " Are you kidding ? I washed the warm - ups first . Those things were beginning to walk around by themselves . They 're drying in the bathroom . " " I washed everything . Well , not everything . I took your suit , your two sportcoats , my shetland sweater , my black dress , and your tweed pants to the hotel 's dry cleaners . They 'll be ready at four . " " Not if you don 't put them in the dryer , which I didn 't . They are also drying in the bathroom . " I shook my head as Sid bolted in there . " Of course I didn 't . Give me credit for some know how . When I said I did everything on Daddy 's resort , I meant it . Part of that included guest laundry . I also had a girlfriend in college who worked in a dry cleaners . We used to compare notes every now and then . " " So do I . But I don 't let it bother me if I can 't look perfect all the time . Besides , who 's going to see you ? Just me and I couldn 't care less if your shirts aren 't starched . And I seriously doubt you 're going to have any problems attracting women even with a limp collar and jeans that just might be a touch faded . " " That is the least of my worries . " He folded his arms and gazed at the bathroom . " This may sound crazy to you , but I don 't really care who sees me . It 's like a picture hanging crooked on a wall . Some people wouldn 't even care . I 'm the type that has to have it straight . " " I understand . My mother is like that sometimes . I remember once when she had a dinner party , she found a spot on her best table cloth at the last minute . For a lot of reasons I don 't remember , she couldn 't change it . But I do remember that nobody knew the spot existed because the centerpiece covered it . Mama still went nuts . Never mind that nobody else knew . She knew it was there and it spoiled her entire evening . Look , I 'm sorry I went ahead and washed everything . I should have asked you first . " " For taking care of the mundane trivialities , yes . But while ironing is definitely mundane , it is anything but trivial . Remember , my innocent one , there was a time when if I wanted a shirt without wrinkles in it , I had to iron it myself , and I grew up in the days before permanent press . That is why I 'm so glad I can pay to have it done for me . I 'm sorry I got upset at you . I shouldn 't have . You 've obviously been working hard today . I should be thankful . " Sid came over and helped sort out the athletic socks . Then he refolded all his other socks the way he liked them folded , while I finished folding his underwear . He finished with the socks first and looked at me , puzzled . " I don 't know . I just know people get weird about underwear . I remember once , I was living with this girl and one day I was helping her with her laundry and she went into fits because I was handling her bras . I couldn 't figure it out . I 'd been removing them from her for three nights and sometimes during the day , too . And , yet , here you are , the most modest person I 've met in my life , and not only do you fold my stuff without batting an eye , you let me sit here and watch you fold yours . " That night , after dinner in a fairly respectable restaurant , we went to a movie . The next day , Saturday , was spent at the Museum of Science and Industry . Sid went out that night by himself and didn 't come back ' til one thirty a . m . , humming " Marianne " . " Why not do what . . ? " I asked hesitantly as we walked to the church . " Well , you know . What you did the last couple of Sundays ? " It had been arranged at a park , I still can 't remember the name , but there were plenty of nice , leafy trees to discourage sniper fire and give us plenty of cover . Unfortunately , that also gave any bad guys plenty of cover . Sid and I went there in separate taxis . Although I remained more or less within sight of him at all times , I kept a good hundred feet or so between us . It was what Sid called a flanking maneuver . It worked , sort of . Sid met Savallo at a park bench , and within seconds , gunfire erupted . Sid and Savallo dove behind the bench . I traced the gunfire to a tree across the path and down some , and I mean literally within the branches . The advantage was that the gunman was pinned . The disadvantage was that I couldn 't see him for the leaves . He , however , could see me approach . I dashed for the closest tree . Savallo stood and fired . The gunman put a couple slugs in him and he fell over the bench . I aimed for the branches and fired , hoping for the best . That drew more fire at me . Sid tried shooting from the bench but didn 't get much of a chance . It seemed the least movement brought on bullets . We remained in a standoff for a while . It seemed like an hour or three , but it couldn 't have been . Sirens approached . I fired at the tree again and ducked as bullets tore into the tree that hid me . I tried again , but as I ducked , out of the corner of my eye , Savallo raised his head and gun . The revolver snapped back and tumbled , but it had done its work . The branches rustled , and the gunman tumbled to the ground . We made it to the public restrooms before the police got to the park , and managed to stay hidden long enough for them to get too occupied with Savallo and the guy he 'd killed to notice us casually look them over and saunter away . Sid had ditched his sport coat in the restroom and kept his arms folded . His shoulder holster went in my purse . As he passed me , I noticed the dark stains between the fingers of his right hand . I stopped him and pulled his hand away . On his left upper arm , there was a bright red horizontal bloody stripe . I looked at him in horror . " I 'm alright , " Sid replied . " I just got winged . That 's why I couldn 't shoot back . But it 's not serious . Now hurry up and get packed . " " No . " There was a silence as he glared at me . I stood my ground . " We 've got to take care of your arm first . " Sid winced as he tried to flex his left hand . " It did enough . I couldn 't shoot , damn it . Savallo killed himself plugging the bastard . " " Dear Jesus , have mercy on his soul . " I crossed myself and sniffed , then went back to work . " Do you get the feeling we 're leaving a trail of bodies ? " I wasn 't feeling terribly reassured . After I finished bandaging his arm , I washed off his hand . While Sid started packing , I rinsed the blood out of the washcloth and towel . " Well , sir , the closest we fly to it is Boise , Idaho . Then you can change planes there and fly to either West Yellowstone , Idaho Falls , Jackson Hole , Bozeman or Billings . Oops . Wait a minute , skip Bozeman . " There wasn 't a faster way to Yellowstone . We spent a good two hours at the Boise airport looking for one . The only thing that left sooner than the flight to Jackson Hole was a bus and it left Monday evening . Sid was about to resign himself to spending two nights in Boise when I got a hold of a road map and ascertained that if we drove ourselves and left early Monday morning we could get to Yellowstone by dinner . Sid wasn 't overwhelmingly thrilled with the idea but agreed when I pointed out that we would have to rent a car , anyway , in Jackson Hole , as it was still a two and a half hour drive from Yellowstone . I also suggested the possibility of camping , but Sid flatly refused to . He said it wasn 't practical for our situation . I had to agree , although I knew darned well the reason Sid said no had little to do with practicality . Once we saw Boise , Idaho itself , Sid was perfectly happy to be driving out of there the next morning in the four - door sedan we 'd rented . Not that Boise is all that bad , in fact , it 's rather nice as cities go . But I do have to be honest . Boise , Idaho is not one of the nation 's hot spots , especially on a Sunday night . It also had more one - way streets than L . A . Sid and I got turned around three times looking for a place to eat dinner . To make matters worse , Sid was sulking because I had to drive because his arm hurt . It wasn 't bothering him that much , either that or something else was bothering him more . At six thirty , he left me at the motel and drove off to find some nightlife in the deserted city . I had no idea how , but he did . He came back close to eleven , singing " Marianne " . We left the motel at six a . m . Sid drove , saying that his arm felt a lot better . It probably did , but I knew darned well that wasn 't why he was driving . [ So I hate being driven - SEH ] Sid can be a real control freak at times . We didn 't leave Boise until after six thirty . While trying to get to the interstate , we stumbled across a supermarket just opening . I told Sid to stop . " Hey , why don 't we get one of these ? " I said , pointing out some styrofoam ice chests . " We can get some ice and some cold drinks and stuff for lunch and have a picnic . Better yet , we 'll get some munchies for on the way . " " We won 't be getting much exercise all day in the car . Eating on top of that … " Sid shook his head . " Besides , I 've got a feeling you 're going to want to stuff that thing with soda pop . " " Alright , " I groaned . " I 'll compromise . Fresh fruit and healthy stuff . You know , if we nibble on the way , we won 't have to stop for lunch and that 'll save time . " We bought bananas , strawberries , a couple oranges and some peaches . Sid insisted on a quart of non - fat milk , which I drink though I 'm not overly fond of it . I tried to get him to compromise with low fat , but he remained firm . We also got several different canned fruit juices ( no sugar added ) . Sid was delighted to find the store carried Perrier and added a six - pack of bottles to the cart . I was able to talk him into a couple packages of Alouette , that French cheese spread , and some unsalted Akmak crackers . When we went past the candy aisle , I tried to sneak a couple of candy bars and a package of raspberry whips into the cart . Sid caught me and made me put them back . He also tried to make me put back the package of fig bars . " These are not junk , " I replied . " See , they 're even whole wheat . They 're the best thing to keep you , uh , well , moving . " " She does . Well , what the heck . " He dropped the package into the cart . Sid may not agree with Grandma Caulfield 's views on sex , but he doesn 't argue with her home remedies . I 'd had to dose him before and he knows they work . We got some plastic knives and napkins and the extra bandages . As we headed for the checkout , I added , without thinking , a box of female type personal items . Sid looked at me , rather puzzled . " Well , yes . " He sighed , helpless , the anger draining from him . " Oh , Lisa . Come here . " He reached over and pulled me to him . Gently , he held me . I sobbed onto his shoulder . He sighed again . " Woman , what have you done to me ? " " I ought to be giving you the chewing out of your life . Instead , I feel like a heel for getting mad at you in the first place . What you did was stupid , even without Mutt and Jeff around , risking your neck just to buy a birthday card for me . Then to lie about it just for the sake of a silly celebration … " " Sid , that 's the only thing I ever lie about , honest . Just birthday surprises , and Christmas , and things like that . You 've got to believe me . " " I believe you , and your little celebration meant a lot . I was very touched . But in the final analysis , it wasn 't that important . " " I know . " I sniffled . " It 's just that , Sid , you 're my best friend . I 'm closer to you than I am to Mae . I had to do something . " " Oh , Lisa . " Sid opened the front door to the car and reached in and pulled out a tissue from the box that had been left on the dash . He put it to my nose . " Come on , blow . " " Thanks , but I can blow it myself . " I gently took the tissue from his hand and blew my nose . With one arm still around me , I felt Sid kiss the side of my head . He walked over and finished packing the ice chest . " You know , Lisa , " he said fitting the lid on . " You 're one of the best things that ever happened to me . " He opened the door to the back seat and put the folded shopping bags on the floor . " You 're right up there with losing my virginity . " " That wasn 't meant to be as tacky as it sounded . Give me a hand with this , will you ? " He grunted as we picked up the ice chest and swung it onto the back seat . " Maybe I 'd better put that into perspective . " He shut the car door , looked away for a moment to think and then back at me . " I 've got a good life . Sure , it 's had its low spots . But a lot of very good things have happened to me . " As he spoke , he walked around to the driver 's side of the car and opened the front door . He paused , not getting in . " The women I 've known , getting published , getting my money . " He looked at me intently . " There is a reason I 'm exceptionally horny . I get a tremendous amount of pleasure from sex . Until I met you , losing my virginity was the very best thing that had ever happened to me . " I was speechless . What was there for me to say ? I knew how hard it was for him to go without sex . I cared for him so much but was powerless to express it . " Come on , " said Sid , laughing . He accepted a cracker that I 'd just spread with cheese . " Are you seriously telling me this isn 't better than McDonald 's ? " I chuckled . " It seems so weird , you know ? We 're so different sometimes , and yet we do work well together , and we 're such good friends . It 's not supposed to work this way . " " Well , maybe I should have gone back to Tahoe . I would have been safer . Working for you , if I 'm not trying to save my life , I 'm defending my honor . " " For what ? Making me think about things ? For reaching out and touching me ? For making me share myself with you ? Lisa , you haven 't got a thing to be sorry for . " Shortly after one , we stopped at a rest area to stretch and use the facilities . I always take longer than Sid , so he was waiting for me when I came out . Smiling , he put his arm around my shoulders and suggested a short walk around the rest area before we got back to into the car . I agreed . He was gazing at her with more admiration than lust . Maybe that 's why I reacted the way I did . I still don 't know . I do know it was a very unreasonable reaction . I shrugged his arm off my shoulder . " I 'll bet you 've never even looked at me . " Which really , was pretty ridiculous , and I knew it even as I said it . But I was in no mood to be rational . " Alright . " Sid threw his hands up in disgust . He stepped back a couple of paces and really looked at me , in a very detached manner . " Strictly physically speaking , you 've got a good figure , nice hair , a nice face , a good smile , when you 're smiling , and beautiful eyes . Your eyes are definitely your strong point . " " What more do you want ? " Sid was very frustrated . He came over to me and put his hands on my shoulders . " I 'm sorry , Lisa , but you are not unutterably gorgeous . You are , however , a very very beautiful woman . " " Lisa , what makes you beautiful has very little to do with your physical features , which are , nonetheless , very nice . " He put his arm around my shoulders and walked me back to the car . " What makes you beautiful is your character , your personality . " " Why should it ? I 'm happy , they 're happy . They know that sex is all I want from them and that 's all they want from me . " " Lisa , what you and I have is an exception . You are a very unusual person in that you work on your relationships . I work with you on ours because we have to . " " Yes , it is . I 'll admit it is very rewarding , and I don 't mind the work anymore . But most people don 't want to work that hard on a relationship , myself , for the most part , included . I know that sounds terribly cold - hearted to you , but it is a fact of life . " The first section didn 't quite make it all the way in . I still had the piece that didn 't make it . But the juice dribbled down his chin . Laughing , Sid grabbed a tissue and wiped it off . The next piece almost went down his windpipe . " I 'm sorry . " I was , too , though I was laughing with him . " You ready for the next section ? " He nodded . " Okay , open up . " " I know . " I licked my fingers myself . " Licking is supposed to be really sexy . Well , it 's just gross to me . Like French kissing . I never could figure that one out . " " Not entirely , " I said . Sid had only kissed me that one time in the entire ten months we 'd known each other . It was under the mistletoe , and he 'd set me up . " And believe me , I was glad you didn 't . " " That doesn 't mean I want someone else 's tongue in my mouth . " I shuddered . " There was this one guy , it was just so sick . We 'd barely held hands and all of a sudden he kissed me with his mouth wide open and his tongue going for my tonsils , and he was drooling and slobbering . Yick . " " Or something . You just weren 't ready for him to intrude past your personal barriers like he did . " Sid shook his head . " There are a lot of men out there who forget that sexual activity is a physical invasion of a woman 's body . You have to respect that , and there are too many jerks out there who don 't . " [ Jerk was not the term I used - SEH ] Sid glanced over at me , then studied the road . " In all honesty , I have to admit I do not spend most of my time thinking about sex , and I almost never think about sports . But a lot of the men I know are obsessed with getting their rocks off one way or another . A good many of them suppress it , which is where I think the sports thing comes in . At least that 's physical . Steve and Eric and Dave , you know , the guys from the gym ? They are not into messing around like I am . Eric and Dave are as faithful to their wives as they come . Steve 's too much of a romantic . But they 're all hung up on sex , and I really think it 's because of the prudish nature of our culture . They repress their sexuality and as a result , they see sex in everything . " " You 're also not a man , and a large part of how manhood is defined is by the ability to perform . A woman 's femininity is defined by fertility , which may be why women nurture . " Sid smiled at me . " And you may say no , but you don 't repress your sexuality that much . If you did , you wouldn 't admit to ever having been horny or enjoying necking , and yet you do . You may deny yourself the pleasure , but you don 't pretend you 're not interested . " " What good would that do ? It 's going to come out one way or another . It 's like being angry , in a way . And I am curious . It 's like the French kissing thing . I mean I never understood it as an intrusion issue until you said so . I just thought it was over - rated , and I couldn 't figure that out . There are a lot of things that are supposed to be sexy that I can 't figure out . " " Oh , yes . I remember this one girl I knew , her dad had one of those little two - seater T - birds . He 'd drive to work during the day and she 'd have it at night . We used to drive up to Mount Diablo . It put a lot of miles on the car , but her dad figured if we were driving so much , we couldn 't be doing much else . Boy , was he wrong . On warm nights , I 'd bring a blanket and we 'd make love under the stars . " He sighed and then looked at me . " Maybe we 'd better change the subject . You look like you 're about to crawl under the seat . " We got to the entrance of Yellowstone National Park around two p . m . After paying the entrance fee , we pulled over to look at tourist brochures we 'd been given and figure out where we were going to stay and what we were going to do . Sid chose Old Faithful Inn simply because that was the closest to where we were . It took us almost another hour to get there because the roads were so twisted and narrow we couldn 't drive all that fast . I further delayed us when I saw a small herd of elk and made Sid stop so I could take pictures . He just smiled and said I played the tourist role very well . Sid refused to be dragged , insisting instead on holding me back . His pace was maddeningly slow . Still , we joined the crowd surrounding the geyser in plenty of time . By the time Old Faithful finished blowing , it was getting close to three fifteen . Sid made the check in call , then we got settled into our room . I suggested an early dinner . Sid wasn 't all that hungry after nibbling all day in the car but agreed amiably . He didn 't eat much . I did . We ate in the hotel dining room , relaxing and taking our time . It was five fifteen when we walked back into the lobby . I noticed that Old Faithful was due to blow and tried to talk Sid into watching . I pointed to where Mama and Daddy were in the crowd . They were with another couple that was vaguely familiar to me . It had to be the Shakespeares . " Mama said they were coming . It 's part of some timeshare thing Daddy 's thinking about getting into . But Mama said they were coming next month . " Sid noticed an open stairway on one end of the huge room . It led to two lofts , one above the other , overlooking the lobby . We scrambled up to the uppermost loft . Just as we reached it , I looked down and saw my parents and their friends entering the lobby . " We 're trapped . " Then a ray of hope dawned . " Maybe they won 't come all the way up . Mama can 't stand heights . " He moved in . It was strictly business , too . Thinking about it later , I got very disgusted with myself . I had always wanted to do a little necking with Sid , although I never told him . I was too afraid of what it would lead to . But there I was , necking with Sid , with a virtual guarantee that nothing would come of it and do you think I took advantage of it ? No . I was too busy trying to follow my parent 's movements . I strained to catch every sound I could . I peeked through half - closed eyelids . " Then don 't lean over it and don 't tell me not to worry . You know how I am about edges . And heights , too . I don 't see why we had to come up here . " " This here 's a public place . " Daddy didn 't sound in the least perturbed . " Althea and I don 't need to do that kind of stuff in public . " We cautiously went to the head of the stairs and watched them descend . It took forever . As they got to the main floor of the lobby , they headed for the door . We took a chance and went down the stairs , just far enough to keep them in view . We came all the way down when they got into a car and drove off . The room was small . The bathroom had only a sink , toilet , and cramped shower stall . About the only thing the room had going for it was the pair of twin beds . Sid wasn 't very thrilled about sleeping in a twin - size , but he had to admit it was better than the floor . " Well , we 've got to do something . We can 't just stay here . The hotel staff 'll notice and I know they 'll talk . " " To Mama it is . She didn 't want to cause trouble . I didn 't have the nerve to tell her you were born on the wrong side of the blankets and never really cared . She did tell me the name of the gentleman in question . A John something . Caponetti . " " Hoping to track down my erstwhile father , I presume ? " Sid smiled gently and shook his head . " It won 't do any good . I got all my distinctive features from my mother . " Sid shook his head . " I have no baby pictures . We were too broke for a camera and Stella didn 't care , anyway . I may have one of my senior pictures around and I 've got my high school yearbooks . But that 's about it . Something about being in the spy business made me rather camera shy after that . " Later , as I was getting my nightgown and robe from my suitcase , I noticed a tuft of blonde hair sticking out of a pocket . I checked to see if Sid was looking . He was absorbed in a hand of solitaire . Smiling , I pulled the wig out and slipped it between the folds of my robe . " No . " He stood , and looked at me more closely . " I think you 've found the solution to our problem . " He paused . " I am a little worried , though . Is that really going to get you past your parents ? Keep in mind , your face is particularly familiar to them . " " Now , if there was just something for you . " I pulled off the wig and laid it on top of my suitcase . " How long would it take you to grow a beard ? " " For crying out loud . " He pulled out a simple brown eyeglass case . He slipped out the glasses and put them on . The frames were dark but very stylish . " Are you satisfied ? " I got into bed as Sid came over to his bed and picked up the cards he 'd dropped . I watched him fondly . He neatly put the deck in its box and then , looking up , somehow caught me gazing at him . We looked at each other for a long moment , then he smiled warmly and headed for the bathroom . I had the weirdest dream that night . I was walking down an aisle that split in the middle . One aisle led to an altar with a priest waiting and another man , my groom . The other aisle led to a platform with a group of people in caps and gowns sitting on it , my PH . D . Then out of nowhere Rory Sheidler and George Hernandez came up and took me to a park . There they each took turns kissing me . But then Sid came up and they stepped aside . Sid held me and began kissing me also , albeit more passionately . Then all three men ran away and Daddy was chasing them . I tried to hide , but I couldn 't . Daddy started after me . I ran as fast as I could , but it was in slow motion . I looked back and it wasn 't Daddy chasing me but an army of strange , shadowy men , all with guns . I ran even harder , but couldn 't go any faster . I ran and ran . I woke up . My legs twitched . I sat up in bed and looked around the dark room . Sid was babbling away in his sleep . He 'd been doing that the whole trip , talking in sleep , that is . I 'd never said anything to him about it . But I was beginning to wonder if it had something to do with why only a few of his girlfriends stayed the night . I was having enough trouble sleeping through it and I wasn 't even in the same bed . I looked at him shocked . Then I realized I 'd been dreaming about him . I felt my face growing hot . He snorted and rolled over again , remaining silent . I laid back down again . Surprisingly , I fell asleep almost immediately . " Well , neither are my folks . They don 't know I 'm here . Why should they look twice at a blonde with glasses and heavy makeup ? Besides , I know some contouring tricks that 'll make my face look different . " " Really good . Of course , Darby and Janey are a little wired ' cause school 's almost out and the others are picking up on it . But they haven 't torn down the house yet . I figure if I can just hang on for the next three months , I 'll have Ellen in kindergarten and just the twins to deal with . " " I was thinking the same thing last week when I registered her . Still , she doesn 't start ' till September . I 'm beginning to think it 's going to be a long summer . " Mae laughed . " Just my active , healthy children . Yesterday morning I left the twins playing in the backyard while I was cleaning up after breakfast . There 's nothing back there for them to get into trouble with . So , naturally , they couldn 't stay there . " " I do . I don 't know how , but they unlatched it . Anyway , I got this phone call from Carol Lester , they 're down at the end of the block and she 's having fits because Mitch is down there teasing Roddy 's whippets . I went running down there to get him , wondering where Marty had gotten off to . The little rascal , he was digging up the Lesters ' flower bed looking for buried treasure . " " For once there wasn 't too much damage , thank heavens . Carol was having kittens over the whippets as it was . They baby them too much , if you ask me . It 's no wonder they 're so high strung , and they 're so skinny , too . Ugly dogs . " " Whatever . Anyway , when I got the boys back to the house , there was Ellen in the middle of a mess , as usual . This time she 'd decided she wanted a drink of grape juice and had spilled the whole pitcherful all over the kitchen floor . When I got back , she was dropping slices of bread into the juice because she said they soaked it up just like paper towels . " " I wish . She ruined over half a loaf . And before I could clean everything up , the twins got into it and the three of them tracked grape juice onto the family room carpet . I 'm thanking God they didn 't go into the dining room . We 're having Jack Laird 's birthday party here Friday night . Granted , they 're all people from the church , but you know how it is . " " I 've just been really busy . But listen , the reason I called is that I 'm wondering where Mama and Daddy are . They 're not in Florida or Tahoe . That 's not like them to leave Tahoe at this time of year . " " Oh no , they 're in Yellowstone Park . I talked to them the other day . Remember Bill and Dottie Shakespeare ? They had those three boys , one of them was kind of stuck on you ? " " They leave Yellowstone tomorrow morning . They 've got to get back to Tahoe . Mama wants me to call her again on Wednesday when they 're more or less settled in . " " I might call then too . But don 't tell them that . I don 't know if I 'll get a chance to . Look , I 've gotta run . Give my love to the kids . Bye . " I hung up fast before Mae could ask any questions . I turned and looked around the big , echoing foyer I was in . A second later , my father appeared from one of the hallways . He seemed to be looking for something . When he saw me , he looked at me for a moment puzzled . He looked down the other hall , then back at me . Shaking his head , he withdrew . I found out later , he 'd heard the last couple of sentences of my phone call , had recognized my voice and come looking for me . He was surprised to find nobody but a " blonde tart " . Mama insists it was his imagination , especially after what happened that night , when I went to make the drop . My contact was Daniel Pusnell , six three , blonde hair , green eyes , football player figure . He 'd been with Quickline since its inception in the 1960 's and was considered the cleanest of everybody in the suspect tree . His cover was as director of concession sales , and he lived in a small cabin just outside of the National Park . I didn 't see him , or anyone else worth noting when I first walked into the bar at the Mammoth Hot Springs Hotel . I sat down at the bar and ordered a ginger ale . About twenty minutes later , Pusnell stepped up to me and asked me what I was drinking . " Sure thing . You might consider doing the same thing . That tall guy over at the table near the moose head has been staring at you since you walked in . " Pusnell returned to his friends , smiling and shaking his head . They laughed rather crudely . Slowly I turned to see who was staring at me . It was my father . He was sitting with Mr . Shakespeare . They 'd been friends in Tahoe , which is kind of surprising because Bill is loud and rowdy and a little radical and Daddy doesn 't usually like that type . What drew them together is that they 're both named after old English playwrights . Bill Shakespeare has the worst time of it , though . Very few people have heard of the Restoration playwright , William Wycherly . I wasn 't sure if Daddy recognized me . I didn 't think so . But he was trying to . I knew I had to throw him off . I tried to think of the last thing I , as myself , would ever do . Hanging around Sid had certainly rubbed off on me . I put on what I thought was a sexy smile and blew a kiss at my father . His brow wrinkled and he glared at me . I smiled again and ran my tongue along my teeth . That did it . He stopped staring . With a very affected sigh , I left the bar . When I got back to the car , I sat behind the wheel for five minutes before I could stop shaking enough to drive . " I can imagine . But to see you come on to anybody , and on top of that , your father . I wish I could have seen his face . It must have been something else . " As I thought about it , it had been . In spite of my irritation , I found myself giggling . Sid looked at me and we both burst out laughing . I hurried into the bathroom to take off my makeup and get ready for bed . As I came out , I saw Sid sitting on the edge of his bed , dealing out a hand of solitaire onto mine . He was smiling to himself in a way that made him look particularly handsome . My camera was close at hand . I picked it up , grabbed the flash unit and retreated into the bathroom , so he wouldn 't hear the faint whine of the strobe warming up . After slipping the flash unit in place , I set the shutter speed . " Not now . " Switching off the strobe , I walked away from him over to my suitcase . " I just washed my face and it 's all blotchy , and my hair 's dirty , and I 'm in my nightclothes . " " No . I hadn 't even thought about that . " But suddenly , remembering the incident brought tears to my eyes . " But maybe I am . No . It 's not that so much as … Well , Sid , I guess what hurt so badly was that , well , all my life I 've been good looking , but not really pretty . I 've been smart , but no genius . I tell you , being in the bottom half of the top ten percent is really the pits . I hate second place . I 'm sick of it . At the end of my junior year in high school , I ran for senior class president . We had a run - off between me and this other guy . It was close , but he won . I just barely missed getting on the pep squad . I almost got into Chamber Singers . The only reason I got to play Annie Oakley in Annie Get Your Gun my senior year was because the other girl who 'd been cast broke her leg skiing two weeks before dress rehearsals . I didn 't even get my name in the program ' cause they 'd already been sent to the printer . In college , I almost got the department scholarship . My thesis was almost published . Darn it , Sid , I know I 'm pretty . I 'm just not pretty enough . I know I 'm smart , just not smart enough . I 'm good . I 'm just not good enough . " I sank down onto the bed sobbing . " Yes . " He reached over to my suitcase , pulled out a small travel packet of tissues and handed it to me . " We all have our moments of self - doubt . But don 't give in to it . You are beautiful . You are intelligent . You 're extremely competent . Based solely on the work you do with the business and with my writing , you are invaluable to me . As a friend , well , you 're the only person who 's ever broken through . " " You do ? " He smiled gently , then looked away . " That 's funny . You know , there 's a reason I don 't like having my picture taken , and it has nothing to do with the spy business . " " Not always . " He looked at me . " Heaven knows I hear otherwise often enough . But I 'm not convinced . I guess I have my moments too . " He paused and looked away again . " There are days when I wonder if I really am that good looking , that good of a writer or spy , if I 'm really that good in bed . " I couldn 't reply . I knew how much it had cost him to say what he had . Wordlessly , I put my arms around him and laid my head on his shoulder . He slipped his arm closest to me around my waist and with his other hand , stroked my cheek . Gently , he rubbed his cheek across my hair . I felt his gentle kiss on the top of my head . His hand slid to my chin . He lifted it and my head to face him . I released him . Sorrowfully , he got up . He paused for a moment , then shook his head and went to get ready for bed . Frustrated , for some reason , I grabbed my book of Victorian poets and turned to Tintern Abbey . I flopped face down on my bed , yawned , and began to read . I heard the shower going in the bathroom . I was barely a third of the way through the poem when I began to nod off . Soon , it was impossible for me to keep my eyes open , or to make sense of what I was reading . Strange images filled my head ; of the abbey , the grassy fields , cliffs , and Sid in Dickensonian dress . I was only dimly aware of the book being removed from my hands , of being lifted by strong , gentle arms and set down again . I curled up comfortably . The hands returned again , this time deftly removing my robe . I was lifted again . I snuggled in . My forehead and my cheek rested against flesh . It was warm and smooth . I was laid back down again and the blankets were pulled gently over me . A hand tenderly removed the hair from my face and brushed against my cheek . Then his lips caressed mine , tenderly , gently , warmly . They were soft and I reached for more . " You are beautiful , " I replied . His hand covered mine and pulled it down to his lips . Gently , he kissed the backs of my fingers . " Maybe a little too beautiful , " I continued . " For my own good . Goodnight , Sid . " I rolled over , perilously close to saying yes . Later that night I dreamed I had . I don 't remember much of the dream , just his warm , gentle kisses . [ And all I could think of that night was how wonderful it felt just to hold you next to me . It 's funny , for all you said you were on the brink of giving in , I knew you were nowhere near ready , and I couldn 't understand why , but it didn 't bother me . Many other times that trip , I felt frustrated and fearful that we would not have our consumation , but not then - SEH ] From White House Rhapsody From OddBallGrape . com Thanks for visiting AnneLouiseBannon . com . Please let me know if there 's anything else I can do for you . Send to Email Address Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Chance has been going through finals , his singing performance being part of his choir final . As a stroke of luck , Chance was actually positioned in a spot where we could see him unlike his last concert where he was totally hidden by bigger high school kids . It is much easier for parents to photograph and video their children if they can see them . Otherwise , things get awkward like the summer I photographed the wrong kid coming off the slide at swim class . We parents were all lined up by the slides trying to time things just right so that when our child came around the corner on the slide and splashed into the water , we could permanently record the moment . I snapped a photo of a child I didn 't even know . Obviously , I was off that day . But I digress . . . So , here is Chance performing one of the songs from his choir concert . We missed the first verse on video , but this is " The 12 days AFTER Christmas " - To set the stage , here 's the missed first verse : " The first day after Christmas , my true love and I had a fight . And so I chopped the pear tree down , and burned it just for spite . And with a single cartridge , I shot that blasted partridge , my true love , my true love , my true love gave to me . " Posted by I was sitting in a chair reading when Chance came out , wiping sleep from his eyes and with out implants on . His little sister ran up to him and grabbed onto his leg to greet him . She then handed him some Christmas stories that she had been looking at . Chance pulled her down into a chair with him and began to read the stories to her . I heard Chance say , " Huh ? " I heard my daughter 's little voice sigh in exasperation . Chance was still looking at her trying to figure out what she was saying . Chance is an excellent lip reader even when his implants are off . His sister is just little enough though that she is still learning to enunciate her words and sometimes we have to have her repeat things so we know what she is saying . Interestingly enough , apparently this transfers over into lip reading as well . If someone does not pronunciate their words correctly , the shape of their mouth must make it more difficult to read their lips . Then Chance suggested to his little sister that she drive little Matchbox cars on his back . It is a wonderful sensation when someone does that , like a little rub down with pint size cars . So right now , Chance is spread out on the floor and his little sister is driving miniature cars and trains up and down his back . Chance looks quite content . And he still can 't hear any of us as his implants have yet to make their way to his ears this morning . Dude ! If you want to ask me something , you have to do your part and make sure you can hear me ! That is what I am thinking . For those of you who have not experienced spin class before , you use a kind of stationary bike with a dial in front of you so that you can adjust the tension . Turning the dial to the left , makes for easier peddling because there is less tension . Turning the dial to the right , causes the pedaling to get harder and the more you turn the dial to the right , the more it feels like you are climbing a giant hill . Chance and his brother joined me during the wee morning hours before the sun was up to get an hour of exercise in for the day . Spin class is held in a room full of bikes and after doing the warm up , most of the lights are turned out and you ride in the dark . I don 't know why . So there all three of us were , exercising in the dark listening to our instructor give out instructions like , " Turn down the tension to level 4 . . . . . now , here comes a hill , turn it up to level 9 , here we go ! " Chance 's brother being an avid biker , was in his element though it was a bit weird for him to be riding on a stationary bike . I tried to help the boys during the class to know what was going on as the first time you go , it can be little confusing to know exactly where say level 9 is because there are no numbers on the dial . It is very individual , you learn what a level 9 is for you and turn up the tension until it feels like you are climbing a steep hill , or what level feels like a flat level road to you . At one point , I looked over next to me and found Chance with his head practically on the handle bars and his legs barely able to push the pedals . He looked exhausted . I tried to get his attention and tell him to turn the tension down , and he did , but he was still struggling . I told him to turn it down some more and then it occurred to me that Chance had not been hearing all of the instructions . He had turned up the tension and then left it there , not hearing when the instructor told us to turn it down . We had been doing a pattern of turning the dial clear down to the left , riding as fast as we could , and then turning the dial up high like we were riding a hill . We had done that at least 3 times except for Chance had not been hearing the change in instructions so he had kept the tension high the entire time . I felt so bad and told Chance to turn down the tension and get a drink . He asked me if he could go to the bathroom and I told him that would probably be a good idea thinking it would give him a chance to bring down his heart rate . When he got back , he looked much better . I don 't know that spin class was all that fun for Chance . He liked riding the bike and the music , but he wasn 't able to hear the instructions . We 'll have to take him back and this time be more prepared . Chance is more familiar with how the class works now , and his brother and I would make sure to tell him each time there was a change in how we were riding . I want him to go and have a better experience the next time . I am amazed at Chance and the way he just kept riding even though it was really hard for a loooong time for him . Chance has been working on an assignment in history class called " Adopt a grandparent . " The assignment included Chance doing interviews with his chosen grandparent . Chance has chosen the best grandpa in our area to interview . He and his wife are like the foundation of our neighborhood . They plan neighborhood events and my children actually call them grandma and grandpa . We were talking while in the car about various things the government is involved in . I will just end it there . Just let it be known that the conversation was full of opinions . It is important that Chance know just what politics are . He 'll spend his whole life being affected by politics . And talking about politicians . And having opinions about politics . And having that one person he knows who will insist on sharing their opposite opinion with Chance on a regular basis whether he wants them to or not . By the time I picked Chance up from school , almost his entire head of hair was sprayed in school colors . I asked him if his friends helped him . He said no , a teacher had helped him . THE teacher that teaches drama and is amazing at costuming and make - up . She helped to make sure that Chance 's efforts at school spirit were not half - hearted . Chance told me the story about how as his teacher was covering his hair with yellow color , she suddenly kind of shrieked and said , " AH ! CHANCE , I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR IMPLANTS ! THEY HAVE SOME SPRAY ON THEM ! " Halloween night , we had a little party over here at our house for Chance , his brother and a few of their friends . We have a Japanese exchange student here for the week and a day after landing in the United States , he got to experience Halloween . There is another family in the neighborhood who has an exchange student as well and he joined us at at the party . Chance led one team and his brother the other . The teams took off into the night and we passed out candy to pint size trick or treaters . Chance 's brother 's team won . They all came in panting and the Japanese exchange students crashed onto the floor leaning against the couch to rest . They had run at break neck speeds through the neighborhood while still adjusting to a different time zone . They are awesome . The boys had made good time dashing around the streets near our house to locate the items . Now the boys had to carve or decorate a pumpkin using the items they collected on the scavenger hunt . It didn 't matter if they carved the pumpkin or just managed to stick stuff onto it , they just had to use all of the items . I thought it would give the Japanese students an opportunity to decorate a pumpkin . In the past our exchange students have been rather fascinated with carving pumpkins . Chance and his team arrived not long after his brother 's team . I told Chance that I had explained that when all of the boys were sitting in the living room before they left . Chance looked around a little confused and then said . " I didn 't hear that ! I am deaf you know . " Chance likes to know what the plan is , and he felt he didn 't have that information in this case . Chance also rarely brings up his deafness in contexts like this . There was actually another deaf boy on Chance 's team and he didn 't realize that they were supposed to go to all of the house 's either . So I loaded up Chance and took him back to the two houses he missed to gather the items . All the boys ended up carving the pumpkins and then incorporating the items into their design . The Japanese students pulled the pumpkin guts out with their bare hands . They worked together with a look of both unbelief and wonder as the seeds and stringy goo never seemed to end . It is worth noting that this year Chance and his brother dressed up as Peter Pan and his Shadow . Chance was the shadow . They had a great time hamming this situation up at school as Chance would steal his brother 's hat and his brother would chase after him . Apparently , Peter Pan also tried to sew his shadow on a few times as well . They kept the student body amused . Our family always has a theme we dress up like for Halloween . This year , Chance 's youngest brother and sister held heavy sway over our theme . They chose Peter Pan . So , Chance was Peter Pan 's Shadow , his brother was Peter Pan , his sister was pirate , his brother was Captain Hook and his littlest sister was Wendy . She wanted to be little Wendy and me to be big Wendy . So we were both Wendy with matching blue dresses and bows in our hair . Chance 's dad was Mr . Smee . A pointed request from Chance 's little sister . . . she wanted her dad to be Mr . Smee . It worked out quite well and everyone looked great . I think Chance 's little sister pulled off being Wendy better than I did , but one really can 't compete with someone who is that cute . Chance has been in a choir performance at school all week . The choir sang for a performance of three classic musicals that the school put on . Students acted out scenes from these musicals and Chance and his fellow choir students sang and enhanced the performances of , " Phantom of the Opera , " Dr . Jekyl and Mr . Hyde , " and " Wicked . " I knew Chance was in the show , I saw him and his brother perform on Monday night with the entire family . It took us a while to find Chance that night as he was hidden from view behind some taller high school students . We didn 't have a camera that night , but consoled ourselves with the thought that we would bring the camera to one of the other performances as the boys sang several times through out the week . I attended again solo on Saturday night and was ready and waiting on the front row to capture marvelous photos of both Chance and his brother to permanently record this moment of their junior high and high school years . I found Chance 's brother , he was kind of hidden in a corner , but by zooming the camera in and stretching , I managed to get some pictures of him . Then I waited after the intermission when Chance would be on stage to capture him on film . I looked as the choir stood to sing and could not see him . Then I searched the stage when the choir sat down but could not find my boy for the life of me . I began to doubt Chance . Chance had brought a good friend to the performance and I could not find him in the audience either . I started to wonder if Chance had missed the curtain call because he was with his friend and had not been where he was supposed to be . Then my mind wandered to how Chance 's grade would be affected by missing his concert . Choir only has one way to have a term final , and that is to sing . I could not see Chance singing and envisioned him failing choir because he missed a curtain call and then could not get out on the stage to sing his term final in choir . In a desperate thought , I wondered if I could get Chance 's brother 's attention and begin a signing dialogue that would have gone something like this : He was wedged behind some highs school students in the bass section and could only be seen when everyone on stage started to move around and shift their positions . In a desperate attempt to capture him on film , I was able to get one picture to prove he was there . One . Then the ranks closed in again and Chance once more became invisible . So , here is Chance in his term choir concert . I love the fact that Chance has learned songs from these musicals and has fallen in love with a few of them . At least I can hear him sing around the house , since I could not hear or see him in concert at the school . It was during this little career investigation that Chance came across a career that he was told he would not be able to do because he is deaf . A marine came to one of Chance 's classes and was telling the kids about being a marine . One of Chance 's best friends from school raised his hand and asked if Chance would be able to join the marines with his implants . The marine asked what kind of implants they were . Chance 's friend replied they helped Chance to hear . The marine then said that you could not be in the marines with poor hearing . I understand though how being a marine and being deaf could be problematic . If Chance 's implants come off in combat or for any other reason , he can not hear . And sending in an interpreter with him into battle to sign for him all the commands that are issued is not really feasible . Technology as it stands now for deaf and hard of hearing people would not do well in the marines where you are put in some of the most dangerous situations in the world . When you can 't hear or there is the possibility that your " ears " can fall off ( or be blown off ) , this can cause problems for you and for the men and women who are serving with you . Not because as a deaf person you are not capable . It is the nature of the communication between troops and the noise and chaos that ensues in some situations the marines are involved in . You have to be able to communicate with your team . So , for now with the present technology , I can see how being deaf in the marines would be a problem . I don 't rule out future technology and other possibilities though . Chance does not feel he is held back at all by being deaf , so he 'd be open to other possibilities . I got a call from the school last week . It was Chance 's brother calling . He informed me that he , Chance and a teacher had just picked up the pieces of Chance 's implant off of the gymnasium floor . " Pieces ? " I asked . Chance then demonstrated what happened in P . E . class that day . He and a friend were goofing off in the gym and Chance put his arm around his friends neck / shoulders . His friend reached back behind his head to grab Chance and hit one of the implants with his arm , causing it to fly off and crash onto the gymnasium floor . Where it kind of went splat . This last week was parent teacher conference . It was a crazy busy night with my husband and I making it to the school by the skin of our teeth . In fact , while we were waiting in line to see a teacher , we got a text telling us that the scouting activity that night of which my husband is a part , had been moved up . . . . by an hour and a half . So , I finished visiting the last teachers solo . I would say the school year is going well for Chance so far . Physics is a class he has to focus in on for that intense science terminology that comes up , but I talked to his teacher and she is willing to work with Chance and make sure he understands what is being asked on the test questions . She also has a monthly spread sheet that lists what they are studying on each day . How awesome is that ? Now we can know at home what is coming up and prepare him with vocabulary if needs be . His teacher said she would email me the calendar each month . I was very excited to hear his speech teacher say she thinks he is gifted . Speech . . . . . as in getting up and talking in front of people . I always hoped that Chance would acquire this skill and be comfortable talking in front of people despite the fact that he is deaf . He has to give impromptu speeches in the class and think up things on the fly . His teacher says he is doing really well and does not seem nervous at all . She told me he gave a speech last week about animal cruelty and used the fact that he has animals and that they need to be treated with love and kindness . Chance is a little bit late with the meaning of some words . For years this worked in our favor on the playground because Chance didn 't pick up on all of those naughty little potty words that kids say . We knew his hearing was really picking up when he started coming home with words that other kids had known for years , and his deafness had protected him against . Jokes about farts ? Chance didn 't pick up on those for a looooooong time . Chance started school this past week . He has a full schedule . He is taking physics , P . E . , choir , a computer class , speech , history and English and he is taking 9th grade math honors . Since his math class is a high school math class it actually counts on his high school transcript . At this rate , Chance will graduate high school having taken calculus . Chance has one of those engineering type brains . Chance attends a charter school and there is a waiting list to get in . Apparently , his friends names came up . Chance didn 't even know they were on the waiting list . Chance is so excited about the prospect of having some of his deaf friends attend his school . These boys have been friends with Chance since he was 3 or 4 and the opportunity to be in the same school again would be great . All of them wear cochlear implants and have been attending neighborhood or charter schools for years now . Both boys are a year behind Chance in school , but they would all be in junior high which means they would see each other all the time , and possibly have some classes together . Then there is lunch . They would all have the same lunch time . Chance and his brother saw a girl that his brother knows while coming out of the temple . She was going in as they were coming out . They exchanged greetings and Chance turned to look back as the girls went in and although she whispered it to her friend , Chance saw her say , " I like him . " I am so happy for him and know that he will create some great memories with friends like in years past . Who knows what may happen this year . Will Chance be outed again around the campfire and have the girl he has a crush on announced to all of the other boys by a friend ? Will Chance stay upright and avoid passing out like last year ? Who knows what can happen . . . . . . a week sleeping in tents in the wild can create all kinds of unique opportunities . I will miss Chance while he is gone . He is a bright spot in our home . But I love the scouting program and am glad that my boys get to participate in such an active troop . The leaders are amazing and are so dedicated . Chance even packed dental floss . All by himself . I am not under the delusion that the floss will be used every night , but I think brushing is a truly humane thing to do when you are sharing close quarters with a bunch of other people . I don 't even want to know what morning breath is like when you haven 't brushed for 4 days . Ick ! Chance has worked hard mowing and trimming lawns to pay for camp these last several weeks . He even has some spending money for the camp store . When I was sneaking in the Oreos , I noticed that Chance packed a roll of toilet paper , paper and pencils to write with and the old towel I told him to take . Last time he took one of my good WHITE towels . I don 't think it will ever recover . Chance is in his back - up implants . They are the Freedom version . He put them on last night to make sure they were working well and had charged batteries for today . Chance noticed a difference between the way he hears in his old implants verses his new ones . He likes the new ones more . So do we . That is why he is out in the wilds in his old ones : ) Chance had a great time at scout camp . We went up on the last night for the parents ' night program . Chance brushed 3 times ( 4 once we got there and I asked about it ) . That number is really good considering that I took an informal poll at camp and found that many of the boys had brushed once . . . or not at all . Chance shot arrows , and participated in the adult iron man relay . He swam against leaders and staff and did really well . I wonder how many of the leaders have been swimming every day for an hour and a half all summer . Chance also drank lots and lots of huckleberry pop from the store at camp . It is good but VERY sweet . It is a good thing he brushed more than the average camper . Chance did not pass out at camp this year . But he did get dehydrated . He lay down for a few hours in the tent after drinking water . His dad went up to be a leader for a few days and said Chance did not feel well and just did not look right the afternoon he slept . We have to convince that boy to drink more water when he is out in the wilds . Chance also did his wilderness overnight camp . Chance went up to a clearing , made a shelter from objects he found there , and then spent the night . I was wondering exactly how long it would take Chance to wake up in the morning and return back to camp since he would not hear the noises of morning . He also would not hear the things that go bump in the night up in the woods . Not hearing may have made sleeping in the wilderness in your handmade shelter a little easier . Just a blissful sleep full of woodland smells minus the animal noises and snapping twigs that go bump in the night . According to his scout leader , he came back about the same time as the other wilderness campers too . Chance came home tired , and full of stories to tell . He fell asleep the day he got home in his dad 's chair just before his brother and some friends headed out to watch a backyard movie when it got good and dark . Chance missed the movie . He was kind of upset at me for not waking him up so he could participate in the festivities , but sometimes it is best for 13 boys who just returned from a week of scout camp to go to bed early and get some sleep . Chance , his brother and two of their friends were quite excited to give the canoe a try . They had some fishing gear , and I watched them set off into the water and told them I would be back in an hour and a half to pick them up . There were sun bathers and swimmers in a roped off area off shore so the boys joined a throng of locals to partake of the water on a hot summer day . The boys had all been canoeing at scout camp so this was another opportunity to apply their canoeing merit badge . And I made sure they all had life jackets whether they were my son or not . When I came back to pick the boys up , they were still out on the lake . . . trying to catch fish with their hands . Chance hid his implants by the pavillion behind a rock so that he could hear as long as possible , but still leave his implants on shore . It is a toss in situations like this . I want Chance to be able to hear what is going on with the other boys , but canoes full of teen age boys have been known to topple over and dispense of their occupants in one fell swoop . I am always amazed how Chance and his good friends manage the communication gap when they are involved in activities like this that require Chance to take off his implants . The funny thing is , Chance will still ask his friends questions when he is not looking at them sometimes . His friends will respond , but Chance has no idea . He can 't hear or see them . Most of the time , Chance just stares at their lips and uses his miraculous lip reading skills that he has honed . First , Chance talks a LOT louder when his implants are not on . Chance 's brother knows this , but Chance is not usually with out implants for 2 hours at a stretch . So Chance and I helped remind his brother that Chance is not angry and annoyed when he is talking that loud with out implants . He simply does not know that he is as loud as he is . Second , Chance 's brother , who is usually fabulous about making sure that Chance understands what is going on when he can 't hear , thought Chance knew the detailed plan they had hatched to catch a fish . Chance , did not catch the detailed plan and started doing his own plan . With his super duper vocal abilities that come out when Chance can not hear how loud he is , Chance started telling the other boys HIS plan to catch the fish . It was a miscommunication with an added measure of deafness to boot . Chance is a little do it yourselfer and when those implants are not on , it is hard to know what exactly Chance has decided to do on his own at times . When I thought we had everything loaded into the van and were ready to head home , Chance started walking briskly down the path with his back to me going in the opposite direction of the pavilion where his stuff was hidden . I watched him walk with purpose toward the other side of the lake and then asked his friend , " Where is Chance going ? " The boys had a great time and made sure that the time spent on seats in the boat was bout even . There were two seats , so the boys took turns sitting on the seats and then just sitting on the bottom of the boat . The boys have now decided that we should own a canoe . I have to say that I agree . That could be a lot of fun . We spent a few days at a cabin in the mountains where Chance and his cousins slept out on the wrap around porch . So many cousins , and so little sleep . On the second night , I slept in the loft with Chance 's younger brother . A sky light was about 3 feet above my head , so when the hail started , I was clued in quite quickly that the clouds were releasing the small balls of ice . Did I mention that Chance and his cousins were sleeping on the porch ? Chance doesn 't hear hail hitting wood planks . Even if he is laying on the wood planks . I found Chance crashed on the rocker / recliner the next morning when I went down for breakfast . I figured he must be soaked to the bone . His brother would have at least had a warning that something was amiss when he heard the hail start to fall . Chance may have clued in when small pellets of ice started to smack him in the face . As it turns out , the cousin sleeping right next to Chance had to leave in the wee hours of the morning with his family . Chance had moved into the cabin when he 'd felt his cousin dragging his sleeping bag into the house so he could fold it up and leave for home . It helped that Chance was cold and so he was not in as deep a sleep as he might have been otherwise . Chance wasn 't even home at the time , but I knew that he would be interested in at least giving it a shot if an opening became available . Then I didn 't even sign him up for the non competitive league . I figured that he would have school soccer and we would look into a county league a little later when the time was closer . The coach had set out drills for the boys to do so he could assess their skill level . I sat under a shade tree watching a huge bank of trees at the edge of the soccer filed sway back and forth in the building wind . The coach was talking to the boys and giving them instructions while standing a good distance away from them . Then the coach asked Chance to lead out and go first . I kind of held my breath as Chance started that first task . Did he catch what he was supposed to do ? Chance got a running start and dribbled the ball down the field before kicking it into the goal net . Then the coach called and said he wanted Chance on the team . Chance was so excited . We worked out practice times , got details on cost and pending tournaments and thought we had it down . Then the coach called back and said Chance was too old for the team . He said he was sad about that because Chance was a good player , but the rules of the league said that Chance couldn 't play because he had just turned 13 in May . The coach said he had passed Chance 's name on to another coach who may need another player and wished us the best . When Chance and his dad got back from the " tryout " , Chance was pretty excited . Chance 's dad was cautious . The coach had liked Chance , but as luck would have it , a boy that his team had been trying to recruit for a long time called and said he was ready to play for the team . Then we got the call . The coach said that he thought Chance would make a good addition to their team , that he was teachable and had some raw talent . He wanted Chance on the team . I got off the phone and told Chance 's brother to go downstairs and tell him that he had made the team . I heard Chance 's scream upstairs . I met him as he came up the stairs and he said , " This is what happens when you say 5 prayers in one night ! " Chance got to practice his . . . . . . . . . . well , his . . . . . . . . . his lashing of a window onto the house with a tarp and paracord skills . That is a scout merit badge right ? If it isn 't yet , it should be . We are hoping that the window stays put through the next two nights . That is when Chance 's dad will be back from a scout campout . What are the odds that a window would fall out while he is gone ? Chance carefully helped me wrap the window in a tarp and then firmly wrapped paracord around the window and attached it to our deck . If this is not the way to hold out the elements when a window breaks , don 't tell us . We are on a learning curve here , having never done this before in our lives . When we decide to make a man out of the boys at our house , we don 't mess around . We just throw them right into the fray . It is a sink or swim kind of thing . Of course , Chance sort of brought this on his self . He locked the back door so that his sister could not get into the house . Chance has some sort of alibi about why he is innocent . Whatever . Chance 's sister then attempted to climb into the window to the side of the back door . The window we told the kids was not stable and they should not open it . That window . As she slid the window up , it just jumped the track and the bottom half fell onto the floor . It did not break , the frame was just bent up . While looking at the window laying bruised and dented on the kitchen table , I knew with a surety that this window will never adorn our wall again . We shoved it into place as best we could and lashed it into place for the time being . Last week marked the beginning of swim team for Chance and his siblings . This means a summer full of waking up early and being in the pool by 6 : 45 . Swimming laps and laps and laps and then a few more laps . Chance began the season in the slower lanes . After the first two days of swimming , Chance 's brother announced that the work out they were doing this year was intense . Chance replied , " No it 's not ! " Within the next few days , Chance 's brother informed their swim coach that Chance was saying that their morning workouts were easy . Apparently , the coach said , " WHAT ? " Chance has now been moved into the fast lanes and is swimming with boys from 15 to 18 . He seems to be holding his own . All of those days of playing two hours of soccer helped with conditioning I am sure . When we started this swimming adventure , Chance was not amused . For the first two years of his life , we did the mom and tot class together . That was all fine and good . We both had a great time . It was hard for me . I sat at the edge of the pool gesturing to him and smiling encouragement . I talked to the teachers and the actual teachers in the pool were not phased by the fact that Chance was deaf . They took it in stride and almost all of them learned to love the little swimmer that could not hear them . They gestured and they amplified their movements so Chance could follow . And one of my ultimate favorites " I want blue , red , yellow , blue , red " etc . when there were M & M 's around . He wanted to make sure we gave him enough and that he got every color . Then he would patiently sit and divide his M & M 's into piles by color . Count each pile , and then eat them . Oh , and " Oh man ! " It was adorable when used this expression and we loved it when situations arose when he felt the need to say it . ( his preschool teacher taught it to his class ) While I was in college and just newly married , I worked with a woman who talked about how she had such a busy schedule , that she had to vacuum the house at 5 : 00 a . m . sometimes . We 're not talking about vacuuming the main areas of the house either away from family bedrooms . She would vacuum her children 's bedrooms before the rising of the sun while they were still sleeping . She said that she had trained her children from a young age to just sleep through it . It was not just Chance that needed the big guns this morning either . His brother needed the same treatment to get him moving and he can hear just fine when we call him . Perhaps we should have tried the vacuum with him first : ) A teenager . Chance has crossed the line into . . . . . . . . well into teenager hood . I didn 't notice any sudden changes , but I am keeping my eyes open . One hot summer day when Chance and his brother were in the midst of some deep creative play , I realized with a panic , that Chance was supposed to be at the doctors office for his kindergarten shots . I literally just gathered kids from their various places of play and loaded them into the car . It was at the doctors office as I panted from the sprint of arriving on time , that I fully realized that Chance was in his cowboy gear . Including a holster with a cap gun inside . At about the same moment I realized this , the nurse came to call us back . At this point in Chance 's life cycle , his language skills were still behind and I could not explain things in much detail in many cases . Although Chance didn 't fully understand what was going to happen , he must have had some sort of a premonition . He started telling me " no " and as the two nurses talked to him as he lay on the exam table , he told them no too . Then he pulled out the big guns . Literally . With a shaky hand and a dead serious expression , Chance pulled his cap gun out of its holster and pointed it at the nurses . He meant no , and if he needed to use force , he was ready . Chance was running up the hall smiling and flashing " I love you " with both hands . I have to admit that it worked a little . Whatever he was about to get into trouble for , was diffused with those gestures of affection . For years Chance attended school with the same group of deaf kids and they all became really close . They went to school together , ate lunch together , played at recess together and then wanted to play at each others houses after school . They were like family . One day at school , one of the kids wanted to tell the other kids that they had bought new underwear . Not having the language to fully be understood by their hard of hearing friends , they decided they should just show the others how wondrous their new underwear really was . This led to Chance wanting to show off his way cool underwear as well . At about this point , the teacher came out and it just didn 't look good . I 'm not sure how many of the kids were flashing at this point , but the teacher thought she should tell her supervisor . Thankfully , the supervisor was able to see the situation for what it was and with encouragement from the School for the Deaf and the parents , we prevented a mass flash of undies again . From the beginning , Chance has had a soft heart and one of his teachers told me of a touching incident that happened on the bus . Chance attended school with a little girl who was in a wheelchair with a breathing tube . Because of this , she was not able to run outside and play at recess like the other kids . Chance 's teacher told me that Chance noticed this and started holding back sometimes and would play with her inside doing puzzles or other things she could do . He would also try to make sure that she was included in activities the kids were doing . One day on the bus as Chance passed by this little girl , she was overcome with emotion and grabbed him and planted a kiss on him while giggling . Chance was taken by surprise and the bus drivers were touched . I have just loved all of the stages of Chance . He is one of the greatest joys in my life , and I look forward to many more happy memories that we can share . He did not just want to make any cake , he wanted to make an angel food cake , his favorite kind . We didn 't have a boxed mix of angel food cake so I suggested that Chance make one from scratch . He had done this with his dad once several months ago . Chance was excited about this idea and set to work . The recipe from Alton Brown that was used when Chance made the cake with his dad was in our cookbook . It had been so delicious the first time , we made it a permanent fixture in our dessert section . So Chance gave the cake another go . Only this time he did not take any chances ( ha ! ha ! ) . He got online and looked up the Alton Brown video on how to make his angel food cake . Chance had a scout camp out this week end . He packed his backpack , rolled his sleeping bag , and made sure he had enough food to survive in the wilds overnight . The scouts played capture the flag and stayed up until the wee hours of the night . Who goes on a scout camp out to sleep ? The tents are merely a formality . Come morning roll call , Chance kept sleeping . You can do that when you don 't hear anything going on around you in the morning . So while the other scouts packed up and ate breakfast , Chance caught up on his beauty sleep . Usually someone wakes Chance up in the morning at scout camp , but this time , there were a few distractions . One , Chance had some new scout leaders that are not experienced at camping with Chance and therefore it did not occur to them that he would need an extra hand in waking up . The tweeting birdies and other scouts sloshing through out the tent were not enough to raise Chance from his sleep of the dead . The camp was also in a hurry . One of the scout leaders had to get home earlier than usual , so the camp was in a hurry to pack up and go . By the time someone realized that Chance was still sleeping , the time for breakfast had passed and Chance barley had time to pack up his bedroll and head out when he awoke . Chance 's friends are usually good about waking him up at scout camp . This time there were several boys in one tent and they were all in a hurry after staying up late . Chance 's dad talked to the new scout leader and just explained that Chance will most likely not wake up on time in the morning with out help because he does not hear the camp sounds or the boys teasing and talking . Once that was drawn to his attention , the scout leader said it make perfect sense . We hearing people don 't always think of what it would be like to not hear anything in the morning because it never happens to us . . . some of those birds out in the wilds can be pretty darn loud in the morning . And scouts . They are pretty darn loud in the morning too . None of this affects Chance 's world of silence . Chance took it all in striPosted by Chance has spent the last several weeks practicing to be a monkey . A flying monkey . Some parents have kids who aspire to be a fireman , baker , accountant or doctor . My son aspires to be a monkey . Originally Chance 's brother was in the play as a lifter and back up singer and dancer . A lifter lifts girls up in the air as they dance and run around the set . Someone has to have that job and Chance 's teen age brother made the sacrifice . After several weeks of practice , it became apparent that the play needed more flying monkeys . You can never get enough of those . Chance 's older brother generously said Chance would love to be in the play . Chance was not excited when he realized that he would be staying three hours after school on the regular early out day , not to mention several other days after school . But it grew on him , and soon , he was enthusiastically taking his scooter to school each morning in anticipation of the afternoon practices . He was even designated the Toto carrier and got to whisk around the gym holding the remote controlled pup . Chance was diagnosed as severely to profoundly deaf at about 35 months old . It was determined that he went deaf at about 13 months of age . He received loaner hearing aids through the Utah School for the Deaf , and later we purchased top - of - the - line Widex PowerDiva hearing aids . We fought insurance all the way to the top to cover the hearing aids , but our insurance company called them " cosmetic " , and " an educational issue " . We fought for about 18 months to get our insurance company to cover a cochlear implant . They finally approved it , and his surgery was on May 5 , 2006 . The implant was activated on June 1 , 2006 . This blog chronicles the lead - up to the initial surgery , the surgery and recovery , activation , and his ongoing progress . Chance received a second implant on Sept . 8 , 2006 , so we now get to chronicle his experience and progress with ' bilateral ' implant - aided hearing . Come back often to check on the his status and progress . |
Mrs . O ' was picky about meetings ; she was picky about a lot of things . On the day when the eleven of us moved in with our bags in hand , she didn 't even let us go to our rooms . Instead , each of us stacked the few things we brought into piles in the hallway before making our way to the library where she was waiting for us . The room made an impression from the start . The unusually large windows at the far - end of the house that we were to learn were her doing allowed so much light in that the space glowed - especially the dust that swirled in little tornadoes around her . What I was seeing wasn 't dust . I 'd find that out later , too , but that 's what we all called the tiny flakes that always dropped from the ceiling . I remember thinking that Mrs . O ' , at the center of a semi - circle of chairs and surrounded by dingy shelves overstuffed with books , looked like she was in a snow globe - a kind of sad snow globe , but a snow globe all the same . During the hour she spoke to us , she referenced the bound booklet Bradley had given each of us at the door . We turned pages as she told us to because 1 . we wanted to seem like respectful young men , and because 2 . it gave our hands something to do while she droned on . She wasn 't what you 'd call a natural speaker . As she told us about The Routine - capital R - and her recommendations for how to deal with her son , her voice stretched out before us in a flat , endless horizon . When we finally reached the end of the packet , she asked if there were questions , but no one spoke . Most of us just wanted to get into our rooms , I guess , but Really , who was older than the rest of us , said something about the booklet 's strange font . It was popsicle - purple and a little blurred at the margins . It was a sign of things to come that while the world had moved on to computers and cheap printers , Mrs . O ' still mimeographed . " I love it . I haven 't seen something like this since like the first grade , " Really said , all good nature and excitement . In response , Mrs . O ' Neill stared at him the way that people look at bugs when deciding whether or not to squash them . " Don 't be shy , " gentlemen . " Questions are good , " she reassured us after deciding to spare Really . " There are just too many of us to abide misunderstandings . " She let herself flash a shy smile . I can 't say for sure , but I 'm pretty willing to bet we all felt something similar at that point . She was like a stern grandmother who you wanted to impress and who you wanted approval from , and we all started competing with each other . For the next few minutes , her ancient hands pointed and jabbed like she was a traffic cop at a busy intersection . To Mrs . O ' Neill 's credit , she neither made us feel dumb nor did she blush as we started in on each other and on her . Muin , who was sitting next to me , was especially aggressive . He was a first - year law student who had just started taking classes and already he was playing the part of TV lawyer . " So , on page thirteen , I 'm unclear , " he said , adjusting his glasses for effect . " I didn 't say anything about not having guests because that 's not what I mean . I don 't think that that 's what I wrote , either , " Mrs . O ' Neill said . She was a lawyer , or had been at one point before giving up her career to take care of her son , and so she knew that delivery helped make an argument sound definitive . Her voice now was no longer flat . The need to make her point clearly had built it up into a wall of some kind , a warning to us to be careful of limits . " You may have visitors as long as they are that , " she told us , making sure to meet each of us in the eye . " I don 't want tensions to rise . We 've had enough of that lately , and for Tommy 's sake , we want to keep strife to a minimum . " At the mention of his name , Tommy came to life . He 'd been sitting on a small couch behind us " taking notes . " Though Mrs . O ' Neill didn 't introduce him or make mention of him , we already knew he was there because of the tapping sounds that were almost constant since we 'd arrived . Tommy didn 't like to cut his nails and the sound of his fingers on the typewriter keyboard reminded me of a cat pacing a wood floor . Now that his mother had named him , the tapping stopped , and he felt like sharing his thoughts with the group : " The mushroom dance , yessir , the mushroom dance , " he said in as flat a voice as his mother 's . Mrs . O ' Neill 's face changed once more . Her lips now formed a polite smile that didn 't really express anything other than the need for space and time . We knew from our interviews that Tommy often said things that didn 't make sense , but Mrs . O ' Neill made it clear that we should never ignore him . She listened to him closely and she seemed to understand what he was saying . Really , committing his second mistake of the day , interrupted this practiced back and forth between mother and son . He let out a chesty , good - natured laugh and asked what she thought Tommy was saying . This time she forgave him by pretending not to hear him . It was at that point that I figured out something that had been bothering me about Mrs . O ' Neill 's face - something I 'd noticed at my interview a few weeks before but that I wasn 't able to figure out at the time . She had a habit of not blinking for long periods , which seemed to become even more marked when she was focusing on something as she was right then . She was trying to listen to her son go on about mushroom dances , and it was like she needed her eyes to do so . It 's unnerving to see someone not blink for such a long time . Blinking is like breathing . It 's a sign you 're alive . Sometimes when I was young and I went to the public pool , some of the older kids would play a game to see who could hold his breath the longest . I remember one time , this one kid who we used to call Crazy Warren went under and just stayed down there for a while . The pool was full and it had been really noisy the way any place full of kids will get , but it turned quiet all of the sudden when Warren stayed under longer than anyone thought was possible . The summer snuck off that year , at least snuck away from our block . By the time I knew my way around Mrs . O 's many rules and requirements , the leaves on the trees had started to turn . This was in early August , at least a month before leaves started to change in the rest of New England . None of us said anything about it , though . It 's hard to believe that but it 's true . Somehow when you 're in the thick of something , even if that something is unusual , you just accept it . One time , " Really " said that the trees were changing to keep up with the houses . Really , like the trees outside , was also changing , so maybe he was more sensitive than the rest of us . Over a pot of shared spaghetti one afternoon when no one was around , he told me he 'd been diagnosed with prostate cancer and was going through some kind of hormone therapy . " No more stiffies in the morning , " he told me as cheerful as anything . " It 's one of the side - effects , but it beats the alternative . " With news like that , I didn 't really know what to say . All I could think about was the C - word . So I forgot about what he said about the trees . But thinking back on my time in the house , as I seem to be doing more and more often now , I 'm thinking he might 've been right . Earlier that year , before we all arrived at the house , the block had gone through some changes . Mrs . Sudbury , who lived across the street from us , had become obsessed with some house painter famous for doing whole blocks up in bright , tropical colors . The guy was from the North Shore originally , but most of his clients were on the West Coast where tropical colors make more sense than they do here in New England . Mrs . Sudbury , I guess , didn 't think there was a problem though and she 'd spent a year convincing all the homeowners on the block of the same thing . There were thirteen colonials on Montague Street - six on our side of the block , seven on the other . Out of the thirteen owners , twelve took up Mrs . Sudbury 's call . The one hold - out was Mrs . O ' Neill . Her decision not to join in made her even more unpopular than she already was with her neighbors . Still , her decision wouldn 't have been such a bad thing if her house had been painted a light blue or white or something neutral . But for reasons that none of us knew , she was adamant that the house should stay painted dark - brown . I 'd never been one to care about the colors people paint their homes , but that shade of brown was so dark , especially compared to the happy yellows and oranges of our neighbors ' places , that it made the place look a giant bruise on a nice collection of fruit . As a result , our neighbors were not happy with Mrs . O ' Neill - some were just plain angry . By the time of the block social , things would get worse . Bradley had mentioned the event to each of us more than once during the summer . " It wasn 't a big deal , " he told us , " but if it falls on your shift , then you have to really be vigilant , " which meant that in his usual , roundabout way , he was telling us it was a big deal . There had been an incident the year before or the year before that . The story wasn 't clear , and Bradley didn 't seem like he wanted to talk about it , but we knew enough to know that there wasn 't a lot of good will left on the block for Mrs . O ' Neill , so we had to make sure that Tommy didn 't do anything to ruin the party . As it turned out , Really was going to be on duty , and I knew he was feeling a little tense about it . It wasn 't just the party that had him nervous or Bradley 's weird silence about the previous year . It was also the calendar . In the billing - room , Bradley kept a large desk calendar with Alaska nature scenes marking the top of each page . It must 've been a gift because Bradley was anything but outdoorsy . The purpose of the calendar was to keep track of Tommy 's outbursts . Every day Tommy had a fit of some kind , the date would be circled in red . It didn 't take long for us to notice that Tommy cycled . He ' be on good behavior for about two weeks and then he 'd have a meltdown and torture whoever was on duty for the length of his shift and then the cycle would start again . With Tommy , it was mostly guerilla - warfare except that he 'd use his body as a battleground . This meant that he would pee himself or worse - usually it was worse . It wasn 't pleasant , but it was ok as long as you didn 't let him get his hands down there . That , I think , was a major fear for all the companions . No one wanted to deal with hazardous waste materials being hurled at us . Other times , Tommy would be more conventional in his tactics . He 'd be fine one moment , and then he 'd say something , usually the something about a " muffin dance " and the next moment , he 'd be attacking you with his loose fists and jagged teeth . Or , sometimes , he 'd get you with his secret weapon - something you wouldn 't expect from him : When he walked , his meds made it seem like he was always on a boat by himself . He would sway from one side to another . Sometimes when he got mad , he 'd put himself right in front of you and he 'd start turning his torso keeping his legs in place . Like one of those Olympic discuss throwers , he 'd twist and twist and then he 'd release . He didn 't seem that strong , but if he caught you unawares , that side - swipe could stun you . Then , after you caught your breath , you 'd have to pin him down , keeping him from biting you until he got tired of struggling . By the day of the block party , the calendar was clean . August was as white as the snow capped Alaska mountains on that month 's picture . It had been four weeks of silence and good behavior , and we all sensed that Tommy was saving up for the party , so I offered to help Really , who in a last ditch effort to avoid the problem , brought up his concerns to Bradley . " But Tommy liked the event and Mrs . O ' Neill wasn 't going to punish him for being good , " Bradley said , which made sense until it didn 't a few hours later . By the time the three of us came out of the house , we found that the block had completely been transformed . Mrs . Sudbury , who , in keeping with the theme of the bright colors of the block , had done her best to get everything looking festive and tropical . She drafted undergrads to walk around with colorful smiles and lays . At one end of the block , she 'd rented an inflatable jungle gym and at the other , she allowed her front lawn to be dug up so that a giant pig could give itself up to us . In between , there were little stands set up where most of our neighbors supplied treats that somehow represented who they were - food from their home - country or dishes that their children loved . In the middle of the street itself , Mrs . Sudbury was up on a small stage thanking people who 'd helped her . There was a Hawaiian band behind her , complete with ukuleles and women in hula skirts . Even the cute blond reporter from Channel 4 was there with a cameraman setting up behind her . I joked that it must 've been a slow news day , but Really wasn 't listening . He had a crush on Mrs . Sudbury , who he said was attractive in an uptight - Republican kind of way . Even so , he couldn 't really enjoy himself because his therapy was making it hard to care about crushes or anything else for that matter . And then there was Tommy , who was starting to repeat his mom 's mantra : " tantrums are bad for me , they 're bad for you , they 're bad for everyone . " As always when he spoke , he spoke slowly like he was in an old western . He was the new sheriff , laying down the law and he wanted us to move on . We moved down the block toward the smell of roasting meat . Tommy was a picky eater , and he wasn 't interested in the roasted pig , but hot dogs always made him happy . While standing in line to get our food , something else caught Tommy 's attention . Loud voices coming from where a clown was blowing up balloons . A woman was yelling at him , but I couldn 't make out what she was angry about , and I didn 't think much of it . I figured she was a high - maitenance mommy letting the clown have it for not tying her child 's balloon well enough . But then another sound entered into the mix . The little girl who was standing off to the side , started wailing . She was so loud that even she knew to cover her ears . " Remind you of someone ? " Really asked . I 'd been lucky so far . I hadn 't worked on a red - circle day , but I 'd seen Tommy 's screech - position . The way he 'd tighten up and hunch his shoulders and then cover his ears as he let out this screeching sound , which is exactly what he started to do right then in line . Pretty soon , Tommy and the little girl were like jazz musicians trading riffs , seeing who could outdo the other . The little girl would wail and then get tired , and then Tommy would take over . We tried to calm him down . People around us were starting to look over at Tommy with their sour - lemon faces . Really tried to grab him and get him walking back toward the house , but all that energy Tommy had accumulated over his month of good behavior needed to come out somehow . He kicked his leg out and managed to catch Really right in the groin . Knowing what I knew about Really 's condition , when I saw him collapse into a fetal position , I was worried that something major was happening and I forgot about Tommy . He must 've sensed he had his freedom , so he ran toward the clown and round - housed the man in the side of the face . By the time I was sure that Really was ok , the clown had a handprint engraved into his make - up and Tommy was on the floor screaming ( the clown had returned in kind ) . The little girl , still holding her balloon , was also still wailing , and the blond reporter from Channel 4 was setting up her shot . The next day , all of us in the house woke up to handwritten notes telling us we had to attend an emergency meeting . Like the first day , we sat in a semi - circle while Mrs . O ' Neill sat on her overstuffed chair at the center . Bradley stood at his post in the corner and at the appointed time when Mrs . O ' Neill 's jabbed her finger in his direction , he turned on the television and played us a video of the Channel 4 newscast from the previous night . It wasn 't pretty . As it turned out , the little girl 's mother was yelling at the clown because he made her a balloon in the shape of a penis and called it as much . Police had already questioned him and were considering pressing charges . The segment also showed Tommy punch - slapping the clown and screaming like a crazy person , which seemed worse watching it on television even though some of us had already experienced the same thing in person . The meeting finished with Mrs . O ' Neill reading us a note that she 'd received that morning berating her for her inability to control her son . Mrs . Sudbury , who wrote the note , was on the warpath . That much we knew . It 's been ten years since I left Mrs . O ' Neill 's house . I 've lost track of most of the men I worked with . Sometimes , I still hear from Really . By the time we all left the house , there it was obvious he was going to have to lose his prostate , but he 's recovered and he even found a woman to marry who doesn 't look anything like Salma , but who makes him happy . I don 't know about the other guys . Though I heard recently that Muin was killed in the attack on Mumbai a couple years ago . I also know what happened to Bradley , but I 'll get to him later . His sotry needs a little bit of set - up . The one person I do see every night is Nicole Lake , the cute , blond reporter from Channel 4 , except she 's not so cute anymore . Now , she 's national . In fairness , it wasn 't the move to New York that did it . She lost her cuteness that fall , I think . I witnessed the transformation . She had a string of good luck with other stories . One of which had to do with us , but like Bradley , that has to wait a little longer . The other big story that she broke , though I think recently , it 's come out that she didn 't know she was breaking it at the time . Lucky break , I guess . Lucky for her , bad for the people she was covering , which included a priest in Roxbury and a few of the kids who he 'd molested . The cute blond lost her cuteness the day she covered that story . No media commentator has said as much , but I think it 's got to be proven fact in the history of media personalities . Another one of Really ' line that sticks with me and I think it fits this situation : " chicks who do porn all look the same . They 've just sen to man cocks to ever look normal . " It 's not an exact fit , but there 's something analogius with reporters . They 've seen too much to look normal . She probably doesn 't remember me , but right when she was changing , the blond reporter interviewed me . It was shortly after Thanksgiving . We 'd spent September and October being careful and hunkered down . At our monthy meeting , Mrs . O ' Neill told us we had to be ever watchful because there were many people who out there who didn 't understand what was going on . . Mrs . Sudbury had called Social Services and though we never got a visit , we 'd heard rumors that a case worker had been assigned and had interviewed some of our neighbors . As a result , anytime Tommy even seemed like he was going to lose his temper , Mrs . O ' Neill would get the quiet room ready . It was in the basement and had gone through many phases , a testimony to the different approaches to mental therapies over the last forty years . There was a metal loop bolted to the ground that had once allowed Mrs . O ' Neill to tie Tommy down - that was in the sixties , and from what I 've been told , kids were allowed to be tied down back then . There were speakers built into the walls , large dinosaurs of the hi - fi age , ready to play muzac when music therapy became the more enlightened approach , which was then replaced in the 80s by eco - therapy when whale sounds were believed to be the truer calming agent . Now , the room was going to be used as a hiding space - a location in the house where it was safe for us to put Tommy into when he was having a tantrum . It was sound proof , which I guess meant that in 2001 , therapy had shifted again : now , we were in a time of sensory deprivation . It took a lot of energy to get Tommy down into that basement room , but once we did get him down there , it was smooth sailing for the rest of the shift . For some of the guys , it became an excuse not to have to deal with Tommy . It wasn 't like Mrs . O ' Neill was going to argue , and to be fair , Tommy hate the room so he acted out more than usual . As long as he was quiet , I think Mrs . O ' Neill was ok with it . Here 's a story about the basement that I can 't be sure about , but it 's a good story and it 's stuck with me . When she was pregnant with Tommy , she was still working as a lawyer . She was doing alright . She 'd litigated a case in front of the Supreme Court just before she went to the octor to find out what she already knew was going on with her . She was a restless person , she was restless when I knew her , but when she was young , it was worse , and so when she was about four months in to the pregnancy and her doctor told her she had stay in bed and rest for the rest of the term . She had fits . Her husband , trying to console her , brought someone in , a Swedish woman who her son would later call , Fraulein , for reasons that only he knew . She wasn 't a daydreamer , and she wasn 't one to be waited on . These activities went against her nature , so it wasn 't long before she was coming up with ideas - one in particular . This was the birth of her garden . She had never been a gardener . She came from bookish , city people whose closest approaches to the country were in readings of the romantics . But pregnancy and hormonal push to be biological and less intellectual had now taken hold . She used the little bell her husband had bought for her to summon the Swedish woman , who 'd gotten in the habit of taking long naps on the couch , and told this half - groggy woman to go to the reference librarian and hand him a piece of paper . The Fraulein did as she was told , not daing to read the message , and she presented the handwritten request and in exchange was given an armful of books . They were manuals and periodicals and treatises about indoor gardens . And Mrs . O . went at it . She didn 't di her toe into the pool of knowledge . She dove right in . And within weeks , she had come up with a list of ugly misfit plants she could grow and a much longer list of all the things she would need . Lamps would need to be installed , electricians would have to come about , carpenters would nee to come in and build tables for her and her new plants . As Tommy grew in her , so did her ideas . By the time Tommy was born , she had created a garden in her basement . With all of this going on , it seems hard to believe that just before Thanksgiving , Tommy managed to escape . And he escaped while Bradley was watching him . I remember it was pretty gray out . The leaves were completely naked and the trees looked like umbrellas minus the canopies . It was one of those days that makes you sleepy , and some of the guys joked that Bradley must 've been taking a nap when Tommy made his break . But Bradley denied it and said he was just lost in what was on TV . As dull as the weather was , the blond reporter was busy as ever . That day , with her hair done up to make her a little less cute and a lot more seriMaybe , then it was the case . Bradley had been watching television when Tommy found his way out through the back door . Maybe he was watching the cute reporter lose her cuteness . The important thing was that of all the people he could 've chosen to go visit , Tommy chose the worst . Channeling the ghost of pre - hormone treatment Really , Tommy walked to the end of the block , knocked on our neighbor 's front window and then started pulling at his crotch , at first slowly , and thn , with time , he started in more and more vigorously . The neighbor just happened to be Lulie Rehnquist , the only resident on Montague Street who 'd been here longer than Mrs . O ' Neill . She was known for her get - togethers , and she just happened to be having one when Tommy decided to show up . I think if it had been just the old women , the incident wouldn 't have meant much . But a few things lined up wrong for Mrs . O ' Neill an they exploded in our faces . The first was that while Tomm was doing his thing , one of Mrs . O ' Neill 's guests came up to the window . No one was ever really clear about why she was doing this , but for whatever reason , she got up close to the winow and then Tommy started to scream . This ened up frightening the old woman who took a bad syep backwards that ended with her on the floor with a gash on her head . Watching all of this was Briana Rehnquist , Lulie 's granddaughter who was visiting at the time and who became incensed . Briana had just graduated from Vassar and she was unemployed at the time , which meant she had a lot of time on her hands , and this brings us to point three . She went to Vassar as id the blond reporter 's producer , which is how I came to be interviewed by the blond reporter , and how I noticed first - hand that the cuteness from only a few months before was coming to its end . Something about Tommy showing up gave her purpose . She decided that Tommy wasn 't being watched adequately and she was upset an she was going to do something about it . I don 't kno if the complaint On the other side of the spectrum was James , who after a month was referred to as the " Doctor . " For the first couple weeks , he 'd get up every morning with a doctor 's bag . He even sometimes ate breakfast with a stethoscope around his neck , which seemed odd , but only if you thought about it . When we asked him if he was in med school , he 'd always tell us the same thing : " yes , I have studied medicine , " and then change the subject . This went on until Really , who was just starting treatment , said he felt a need to get to the bottom of things and followed James out of the house . It turned out James was a lab assistant at one of the labs on campus that did animal research . Really , to his credit , didn 't tell everyone in the house . As far as I know , I was the only one , but he always made sure to refer to James as doctor , and maybe because I knew the story , I could see the little smile in " Really 's " voice when he said the word . It wasn 't long before The Routine , as Mrs . O ' Neill called it , started to take hold of us . Days at her house were different from any other house I 'd ever been in , and different from any house I 've lived in since . All her attention to detail in the Guides she wrote for us - none of it was necessary . The daily patterns of the place started to affect us . The house itself kept us all in line . It lived for the sound of Tommy 's morning screaming voice an it when he was safely tucked away , it quieted down . Maybe it was because the house was old , but sometimes it was like being on a boat , the house creaked and cracked all day . At night , the creaking sound stopped and the house became as quiet as a study hall . For the first month , during that initial time when most of us still talked to each other , we would all say the same thing : it just wasn 't right to make sound in that house , so we kept quiet . Even " Really " felt the need to be quiet , which was no small thing for him . His room was right next to mine and ours were the only two rooms on the western side of the second floor , which explains why we got closer , or at least , why " Really " would tell me things . Within a week of moving in , I knew that he loved to masturbate to break up the monotony of his research . I never really understood what he was writing about , but I knew he was doing a post - doc in math and wasn 't having any luck trying to turn his dissertation into a book . " Really " wasn 't having very good luck about anything during that time . Over some shared spaghetti , one afternoon when Tommy was at the doctor 's , he told me he was masturbating more than usual . How this came up , I have no idea , but he went on to explain that this was his attempt to get it all out while the getting was good since he 'd just been diagnosed with prostate cancer . " They 're going to pump me full of something so my body won 't form any testosterone for a year . They tell me I won 't even get a stiffy for Salma , " which , he told me , " was proof that science can do amazing things . " A lot changed that year , including Really 's personality , which became more still and introverted and cautious , but one constant was the poster of Salma Hayek he had over his bed . He never took it down , and even when he was depressed , he always smiled when he said her name . These were the kinds of things that the ten of us got to learn about each other . Not all of us were friends , but it was hard not to learn things about each other while living in the house . Of all of ten of us companions , the one who remained a mystery was Bradley . He was a big man and he was probably about the same age as " Really , " but he semed younger . Not like the other guys . He seemed like a kid - one of those really imaginative , sensitive kids who get picked on in school an who earn how to blend in . I don 't come off as a quiet person . I have a loud laugh and I seem friendly enough , but deep down I 've felt a little jealous and a little in awe of people like Bradley . They have these inner - lives that I feel myself wanting to be a part of . I can 't say I followed him , but I did observe him when I could . I remember a few days in to my living at the house , I saw him sitting in one of the front rooms that Mrs . O . called the billing - room . He had his head back and his eyes closed , but I knew he wasn 't asleep because of the way he was smiling . I didn 't want to bother him , but I was also interested . I don 't know what he was paying attention to . There was only the padded sound of footsteps above , but for him , it was like he was listening to music that only he could hear . I know I 've seen those movies that sometimes get made about musicians , when the camera focuses on some actor 's face and he looks all blissed out . They have it wrong . I guess they get the feeling right , but it 's just not the right way to express it . All that mooning into the camera might be love , but it 's the kind of love people feel for each other . You can search the letters of Beethoven or Mozart or whoever you like , and all of them just want to be part of something with someone . That 's why the actors have it right and wrong at the same time . There 's a great love there , but it isn 't external . It tends to look inwards . That 's why I think Bradley was thinking of something else that morning . The homes on the block had all been painted recently . Mrs . O ' Neill 's barn - brown house was the exception . As she would tell us later , she believed the bright colors of the houses that surrounded us on all sides was inappropriate , they were the colors of whores , which by extension , made the twelve colonials on our block whore - houses . She wasn 't the only one who felt this way . On that first day , the maple tree in front of Mrs . O ' Neill 's house was doing its own criticizing . Like the other maples on the block , it looked like a green cotton candy with a popsicle for a trunk , but there was something a little different about this tree . A breeze was blowing steadily that day , which made for a nice break from the laundry mat humidity we 'd been having , but it also showed how the tree was losing its leaves in upset . Like its owner , it did not approve of the colors surrounding us . I know I 'm not really saying anything new if I say that when a news reporter 's career is taking off , it means that people somewhere are suffering . It 's a perfect inverse relationship if you think about it . The lower people go into despair , the higher the reporter rises . g . martinez cabrera currently lives in San Francisco with his lovely and talented wife . He holds degrees from Columbia and from the Harvard Divinity School where he spent three years thinking about lofty things . Since then , he tries to write some lofty and some not - so - lofty things down so others can see how lofty he sometimes is . When he 's not writing or spending time with said wife , he tortures young people with learning . He blogs at www . circularrunning . wordpress . com and Tumbls at www . circularrunning . tumblr . com View all posts by the circular runner → the circular runner : You are nice . Wait until you see the second movie . It 's got dancing and music . Kind of … Gina Martinez : It find it very moving . Congratulations ! ( You are so talented ! ! ! ! ) yearstricken : Breath - takingly beautiful . Thank you for sharing this . art |
One of my favorite memories is curling up with my mother to fall asleep . When I was little , Mom would rock me in the oversized upholstered rocking chair that she bought when she met my father . It made this horrible creaking noise , the rhythm of which would lull you to sleep . I would fight sleep because I knew as soon as I was out , she would make me go back to bed . It was so comforting to be in her arms . On Friday nights , we would watch Dallas together . As long as I could fit , I often lay in front of her on the couch . Unfortunately , I seemed to quickly get too big for doing that . She would also let me squeeze into bed with her if I had nightmares or didn 't feel well . To this day , when I have a nightmare or don 't feel well , I just want my mommy to curl up with me to make me feel better . I miss my mom a lot . I know she is still physically here on Earth , but it just isn 't the same . Thank you for taking this journey with me this month as I reminisced about her . My parents were older when they had us . Mom turned 37 right after having me and 40 right after having my sister . Most of my friends had parents who were at least 10 years younger . Mom was fully aware of being older . She used to dye her gray hair on a regular basis . I would stand and watch her color her hair . I can almost still smell the dye . I didn 't understand that she was so much older , though . Mom always said that she didn 't feel older when she had us . She tried to not be offended when people asked if we were her grandkids . The two of us kept her feeling young and that was more important . When Mom started to decline , people often asked me how old she was . She is 71 , but started showing signs ten years ago . All I hear in response is , " Oh , that is so young . " Yes , she is young to be suffering from Alzheimer 's . It 's sad that it struck her so young . At the same time , it was to her benefit as she got to miss the hell of watching Dad die last year . But at the same time , she is forever young . Thanks to my favorite resource for this challenge , The Phrontistery , I found yet another great word to describe my mom . " Xendochial " means " hospitable ; kindly to strangers . " That describes my mother to a T . ( Or in this case an X ? ) My parents were always very accommodating to friends and family in need . Their dinner table was always open for a meal , whether or not it was a holiday . They often put up my friends who needed a place to stay for a few weeks . They liked to take care of everyone . As for the strangers , my mom was like the motherly figure of wisdom to a lot of the young couples that came into their furniture store . She would spend hours at the desk , talking to the young parents - to - be . She was like an unpaid counselor for some of them . I remember one particularly lonely woman would stay at the store up to two hours after we were closed . Her husband worked nights and she had no family in town . For a few years after she had her baby , we often took care of him . Mom loved words . She loved to play word games . My great - grandmother on Dad 's side of the family was also a fan of word games . Mom often went to visit her in the nursing home and the two of them would play Scrabble . Grandma Belle would abruptly decide that a game was over , close up the game and announce that it was time for Mom to go home . But they enjoyed their weekly games . Every once in a while when I was a kid , my mother would bring out the special edition Scrabble game that she and my father owned . They didn 't want us to ruin the set ; we had a tendency to lose pieces to our games . We ended up with our own word games , such as Boggle and Upwords . After I moved to New York , I often played word games with Mom when we would visit each other . By then she didn 't care about following the rules . I would decimate her by using slang and foreign words , because I knew so many in a bunch of different languages . She didn 't care . It was more important that we were spending time together and laughed a lot . To pass the time , Mom started doing a lot of word search puzzles . It was her way of keeping her mind active . It was difficult for her to read , but she could still focus on one word at a time . She had dozens of those books lying all around the house . No matter where she went , she could do a puzzle . When she moved into the nursing home , we made sure she had a good stock of them available to her . She had a tendency to leave them lying around there in random places , as well . I believe she even got in trouble a couple of times for trying to take some away from the other residents , believing them to be hers . I don 't know how frequently she is using those at this time . So many of those things are difficult for her to do anymore . But if she does , I know she is enjoying them . My mother was a big fan of houseplants . She had this giant cogwheel table that sat in the front window of our living room . It was one of the pieces of furniture that she purchased when she met my father . On it , she had a variety of plants . What worked well for that table was that you could turn it to be able to reach all of the plants for watering . You could also turn it to give the plants a chance to grow evenly in the sunlight . I loved that table . One of her favorite plants to grow was the African violet . She had them in every color imaginable . She couldn 't go to The Anderson 's store without checking them out and often left with another one . They were her pride and joy . I inherited a love for them from her and used to keep several of my own in my home . When Mom moved into her room at the nursing home , I hoped she would still be able to take care of the violets she loved so much . I brought her all of the ones from her house after Dad died and purchased a couple of new ones . A huge sign that she was losing her faculties was that the plants quickly died because she couldn 't remember how to take care of them . I think that in her mind , though , she still takes care of them on a regular basis and that makes her happy . How did I miss Q ? ? I was just going back over my posts and realized that somehow I had skipped over this letter . I wrote so many posts yesterday that I guess it was easy to do . While perusing the list of words that begin with Q on The Phrontistery , I came across " quadrille . " Its definition is " square dance for four couples ; card game for four people . " That brought back all kinds of memories about my mom and her family . Every time someone on her side of the family got married , we had square dances at the receptions . My cousins are significantly older than me , so I was young when they all got married . I didn 't really understand how to perform the dances , but I loved to do - si - do . My cousin Ken was so tall that he would whip me around until my feet were flying off of the floor ! My sister and I used to fight over who was going to dance with him and be flown . We would also bug Mom to get up and join in the fun . Sometimes she did and sometimes she didn 't . As for the card games , my mother was a fan of euchre . She would play with her cousins and many of her friends when they would come visit . The poor woman tried in vain to teach me how to play , but to no avail . I still don 't get the game . I probably never will . But at least she tried . My mother grew up on a farm . They often reused material for chores around the house . I still have beautiful cloth towels decorated with pink flowers that used to be feed sacks . All of these years later , they have held up to hundreds of washings and dry better than any kitchen towel you can buy in a store today . Mom also used cloth diapers to dust . What horrified me as a young child was that she used old underwear for cleaning rags . Once a month or so , we would go on a massive cleaning spree around the house . The worst part was having to go behind the couch where the organ and piano were . My parents were the King and Queen of Knick Knacks . It would take all day to pick up all of those stupid little trinkets , wash them and the cabinet on which they sat , and then return them to their proper places . I loved the smell of the Murphy 's Oil soap , but was completely grossed out that I had to use the old underwear as a rag . I know that they had been washed numerous times and were actually clean . I know that they had holes in them and were therefore no longer fit for wearing . But seriously , UNDERWEAR ? ? It just seemed dirty to me . My mother grew up in an era where women were expected to learn all kinds of basic secretarial skills so that they could get a job . Mom learned how to take shorthand and how to properly type . She could run her fingers across that keyboard like no one else I knew . I was also always impressed at how quickly she could type in a set of sums on a calculator or adding machine . She almost never made a mistake . When we were in elementary school , my parents splurged on their first computer . They needed it to keep track of their business . Plus , Mom was working at the local Montessori school as their bookkeeper , to offset the two tuitions . We were basically not allowed to touch it , but she did eventually buy us a program called " Typing Tutor . " It was a game designed to teach kids how to properly type , quickly and accurately . She was determined that her girls were going to have this life skill . We also were not supposed to use the typewriters if we could help it . Ribbon was expensive . I did well with that typing program . I remember being the nerdy kid who would stay in from recess to type things for the teachers who had never learned how to type . I typed my friends ' papers because I was so much faster than their hunt and peck . I kicked butt at " Oregon Trail . " Back then , you killed your animals for hunting based on how fast you could type the words " bang " and " pow . " I remember having small groups of people standing around me to watch me go . My mother had a very logical , mathematical mind . That meant that she liked to have things even . My father , on the other hand , had a very artistic mind . He preferred things to be odd in number . The two of them had a constant battle over the symmetry of plants and decorations on the shelves and tables in the house . Mom would always put out two or four of something . Dad would take one away to make three . The two of them would go back and forth with it , making each other crazy . At the same time , they were just trying to fulfill their own needs . My poor mother was finally outnumbered when my sister took after my father . I am like my mother and tend to prefer even numbers . I have to take an even number of M & Ms in my hand at one time . I can 't handle eating an odd number of things , unless I close my eyes and don 't pay attention . The difference between my mother and I is that I can see how odd numbers can be made symmetrical and am okay with that . To honor my mother 's symmetrical mind , my father did give in once when he created a special painting just for her . It is in various shades of blue , which is her favorite color . The patterns are even in number and in perfect symmetry . He once told me that it was very difficult for him to let go of his own patterns , but wanted to do this for her . It is currently hanging in her room at the nursing home . She doesn 't remember from whom it came , but it makes her happy to have it there . My mother learned how to read at a very young age , just like I did . She was super smart and even skipped kindergarten . When it was time to start school , she just went straight into first grade . When she hit the 8th grade , she was the only one in her grade . She attended a one room schoolhouse out in the country . She often got to teach the younger children when she was finished with her studies . Mom always loved to teach children . She fondly spoke of the Mexican migrant workers who helped on their farm every summer . She taught many of the children how to read English words . Mom also used to like to read . She had a thing for Perry Mason novels and Sue Barton , RN . I even spotted a Harlequin or two stuffed under her bed , but she would never admit to it . I don 't remember ever see her reading a novel , though . My memories of her reading are of magazines and the newspaper . I am sure she was too busy with three jobs to really take the time to focus on a novel . As I got older , Mom always would lament about how she used to love to read , though never the " heavy stuff " that my father , my sister and I read . I would take her to Barnes and Noble with me , showing her some great books that I thought she would enjoy . I picked up vintage copies of the Earl Stanley Gardner books that she loved so much . Little did I realize at the time , she was probably already unable to actually understand and remember plot points in a book . She did better with the shorter topics that were found in periodicals . Eventually even that started to elude her . I remember countless evenings where she would open up the newspaper and exclaim in surprise at some story in the newspaper . She would have to read it out loud over and over and over again throughout the evening . She didn 't believe you if you said you had already heard it a dozen times . To her it was brand new information again . So , we did the best that we could to swallow our annoyance and move back into reading our own novels . My mother was a woman of very strong faith . While she didn 't wear her Christianity on her sleeve like so many do , she always let you know that God would take care of whatever was ailing you . She was fond of spouting off cliches and old sayings . The last one that she repeated ad nauseum was " When it rains , it pours . " But she would also say things like , " When God closes a door , he always opens a window . " There are three particular prayers that stand out in my mind when I think of my childhood . The first is The Lord 's Prayer . Like a good Lutheran girl , I memorized it and all of our other recitations at a young age . When we switched to a Presbyterian church when I was in the 6th grade , I had a hard time remembering to say " debts / debtors " instead of " trespasses / those who trespass against us . " ( Honestly , I still do , even as an adult . ) The second one was shared before meals around the dining room table . " Come Lord Jesus , be Thou our guest . And let these gifts to us be blessed . Amen . " It was our standard prayer until we became adults . By that point , my sister was in seminary and could come up with other words on the spot . The third one was used any time that I had a nightmare or was scared during a thunderstorm . Mom would either come into my bedroom and hold my hand , or have me tuck into bed with her in my parents ' room . She would always make me say , " Jesus , Dear , be real near , for nothing then shall I need fear . " It 's very short , but to the point . And I always felt better when I said it . Every now and then , I find myself uttering it , even as an adult . I am the only person outside of my family that I know who is the daughter of an organist . I even grew up with an organ in my house . My mother learned how to play when she was a young girl . Her first job playing the organ began when she was 16 years old . She continued playing in various churches for 50 years . When she was let go from her last job , it was very difficult for her , because it was her life . Mom had perfect pitch . She could hear if you hit a wrong note and would come running to correct you . She could also tell if an instrument was out of tune and it made her cringe . I have inherited that from her on some level . I can identify a note being off - key and it hurts my ears . I just cannot play as well as she did . I never bothered with much practicing . Mom would practice songs for church and weddings by playing on the organ we had in our living room . Sometimes she would then move over to the piano for a different sound . Every once in a while , she would have a friend come over and they would play organ and piano duets . Every Christmas season , Mom would gather us around the organ and play Christmas carols . We were allowed to play the piano as much as we liked . We were more restricted from the organ . When I was a kid , that annoyed me . Looking back , though , I guess I can understand why . Mom always loved to tell stories about my sister and I and the organ . Apparently when I was really little , she had to bring me with her to a funeral . I kept changing the stops and messed up the songs . ( Ooh ! Button ! I wanna push the button ! ) My sister was once sitting next to her on the organ bench during a church service . Suddenly there was this humming sound , and no one knew what it was . My sister had fallen face - first onto the keyboard . My mother 's style of playing the organ was so much her own that to this day , I have a hard time listening to another church organist during a service . Most of them make lots of mistakes and I cringe . Mom was enough of a perfectionist where that almost never happened . She was an excellent musician . I guess I never really got past calling my mom " Mommy . " Sure , I went through those teenage years where I wanted to be more grown up and referred to her as " Mom . " And there were those moments of exasperation where she became " Ma . " But after moving 400 miles away , she became Mommy again . What is it about her that makes her " Mommy " ? Well , she would always try to take care of my boo - boos , no matter how little nor how big . These could have been as insignificant as a stubbed toe or as big as surgery or a heartbreak . She spent hours with me when I was sick , even via phone at 4 in the morning when I was in my 30s . Like I mentioned in a previous post , she would even drive those 400 miles at the drop of a hat if it meant she could take care of me . I often find myself crying for her when I am sick or hurt . How many times do you say , " I want my mommy ! " and actually mean it ? There is just something comforting about knowing she was there to take care of you , no matter what . I really wanted my mommy last year when I was dealing with everything with my dad . I remember telling my aunt that she would have to step in on occasion and pretend to be my mommy . At the same time , I was so grateful that Mom didn 't have to go through what the rest of us were going through . She could be blissfully unaware of the pain and suffering . Call me crazy if you want , but I think somehow she is still able to come to me when I am having difficulty . I know that the afterlife exists , and truly believe that my father and grandmother have visited me on occasion over the past 18 months . I wonder if there is some kind of parallel universe that allow for Alzheimer 's patients to do the same ? There is no way that my dad or grandma were the ones who were present for a couple of those visits . The behavior I was experiencing was more like my mother 's than theirs . I also sensed her more than I sensed them . That gave me some comfort , knowing she was still here , even if she really isn 't . Mom was one of those people who was just full of love . She loved her family . She and my father had this intense relationship that included arguing and fighting and then lots of happier times . That was just how they loved . She loved us kids and would do anything for us . I remember several years ago , I fell at work and reinjured an old break just above my ankle . My sister had just left for Boston , so there was no one here to take care of me . Mom and Dad were already planning on coming out a week from then to visit us girls . As soon as she heard I was injured , she stuffed a bag full of clothes and drove out to take care of me that week . When it was time for Dad to join us , she drove the 6 1 / 2 hours to pick him up , turned around , and brought him back for their family vacation . She never thought about it ; she just did it . She was also constantly trying to hug us and told us often that she loved us . Mom loved kids . She was the youngest of three and always had dreams of having a house full of her own children . Life doesn 't work out the way that you plan , and they were lucky to get the two of us . As I have said before , I had always dreamed of giving her a house full of grandchildren . So , she spent her time loving on other people 's babies and kids . Mom also loved to help people . She would get teary any time someone showed her the slightest bit of kindness , too . I remember being in a public restroom . A deaf woman was having difficulty figuring out those new sensor sinks . Mom showed her how to use it and the woman signed , " Thank you . " If you don 't know , this looks very much like someone is blowing you a kiss . Mom automatically assumed the woman was blowing her kisses for her help and got all emotional and did it back . When I called to talk to her on the phone around Christmas , I could tell she had no idea who I was . When I said , " I love you , " she got all choked up on the other end of the line . It wasn 't the " oh , I miss my daughter and she loves me " kind of choked up , though . It was the " Isn 't this young woman sweet ? I don 't know her , but she is telling me that she loves me . " So , she simply said , " Thank you . " It was a little strange to not hear her returning the sentiment , but I don 't really need to hear it anymore . I know she still loves us on some level . I feel like I need to put a post on all of my blogs . Yes , I am WAY behind on the challenge . Life keeps getting in my way . I should have listened to that gut instinct of mine that said , " Write them early ! " Lol Anyway , I have a ton of writing time coming up again soon and will be cranking them out and I WILL finish this month ! On all of them ! Promise ! ! My mother 's whole purpose in life was to be a mother to her kids . There were just the two of us , though she had hoped to have more . Life and biology don 't always work out the way you want them to , though . But Mom had plenty of adopted kids in her life . Whenever a friend of mine was in need , my parents offered up a place to stay . I can think of several instances where we had an extra body sleeping in my bedroom , on an extra couch , or even in the basement in later years . She even attached to some of the kids Dad was sponsoring , on occasion . Mom loved babies more than anything . Because their furniture store ended up specializing primarily in baby furniture , Mom was able to nurture women going through pregnancy . Many customers ended up coming back to visit after the baby was born . Others , who already had young children , also came in seeking several items . If there was a particularly darling baby , Mom would always ask to hold the child . And then she would often ask if she could bring the baby through the door to our apartment to meet me . If parents were apprehensive , she would excuse herself to come get me to come out to meet the baby . She just loved them and most of them did well with her . She just had that big mama vibe that was so comforting . When it was time for me to start babysitting , Mom always gave me a lot of advice . My first job came when I was 11 years old . My first client was 4 months old , but also had a 9 year - old brother . I was there every Saturday morning . Mom insisted that I call her at least once per shift , to check in and make sure everything was okay . My second , more frequent babysitting job , started with a little guy who was about six weeks old . I was 12 , but because he was so small and the hours were so long at times , Mom had me watch him at our house . I kept that job until he was almost three years old . I learned more of her wisdom from that hands - on experience than any classes or books could ever teach me . I continued asking for her guidance as I kept babysitting into adulthood . I even shared a lot of my stories from the classroom with her . She just loved hearing stories about what the kids were doing and learning . She always perked up when she had the opportunity to come visit my classroom . On one particular trip , she was coming to school with me to visit . My assistant ended up calling off last minute . My kids had Atrium , which meant half of them would be in a different room at once in the morning . My afternoon class was always about half the morning number . My administrator asked Mom if she wouldn 't mind being my assistant that morning . She was so delighted to do so that she frequently brought up the experience for several years to follow . Mom always looked forward to having grandchildren . I was very seriously involved with a man who had custody of his five year - old daughter . My mother spoiled her as if she were her own . Alas , that relationship didn 't work out and I moved on . My parents finally got to the point where they told me that they didn 't care if I had the man , just bring on the grandkids ! ( It was somewhat tongue - in - cheek , I think ! ) This picture was taken two days after Dad had died . We were all dressed up from another memorial service ( Dad 's cousin had died a couple of weeks before him ) and decided to pay her a visit . When we got there , she kept playing with this doll . Sometimes , she would definitely let on that she was pretending it was real , just to freak people out . But then during other moments , I am not so sure that she knew the difference . If it makes her happy , though , who am I to judge ? My mother always did quite the juggling act . When I was two years old , my parents built and opened their very own furniture store . It was open seven days a week , except for Sundays in the summer . ( Dad wanted the freedom to work outside on his garden at least one full day . ) At the same time , she was the organist of our church . That entailed two services every Sunday , choir practice every Wednesday night , weddings and funerals , and any other special services . When I hit kindergarten , my parents decided to keep me in Montessori school . I was already reading and to go to public kindergarten , I would be learning my alphabet again . My sister was also old enough at that point to join the toddler program . So , Mom started to help with bookeeping and billing at the school , to offset the two tuitions . My sister and I both attended the Montessori school through the sixth grade . Mom continued working there until I had graduated from high school . The day following my graduation , my parents moved to the next county south and closed the furniture store . When Mom left the school , she started working for various accountants in town , eventually landing a position as resident bookkeeper for one particular business . Despite juggling three different jobs , my mother always had time for us . The store closed early on Tuesdays , so that was Girl 's Night Out . On Friday nights , the store closed late , but we would all curl up on the couch to watch Dallas . Saturday evenings were designated for grocery shopping and family nights around the TV watching shows like The Golden Girls . Sunday mornings , we would go to church together and then hang out at Grandma 's while Mom played the second service . Sunday afternoons were spent around the house , or playing in the yard or the pool . She managed to make it to all of our parent - teacher conferences and any performances or special events that we had . As we got older , those times started to drift and change . Girlfriends and boyfriends became more important . But we still snuck in some family time . Holidays were strictly for family . Dinner was expected to be together , as much as customers allowed . And she still came to all of our functions . Because of my mother 's example , I am somewhat of a workaholic . I teach full - time , but also dabble in little things like writing , babysitting , tutoring , gardening , etc . I know that if I need to make some extra money , the opportunities are there for me to do so . It also helps to keep life from being monotonous . When I get tired of one thing , I can often focus on something else for a while . And I always make sure that I leave time for friends and family , like she did for us . My mother was a fiercely independent woman . Sure , she lived at home until she was in her early 30s , but she was saving up to buy her own house . She also was taking care of her widowed mother , as she was the single one of the kids . She had her bowling league , which played every summer . She was so upset when her back finally got to the point where she could no longer throw the ball . She had her own veggie garden , as a tribute to her farming background , and as an excuse to dig in the dirt . Dad had his way of gardening and she had hers . Mom often did what she wanted and when she wanted to do it . Some perceived this as being stubborn . Yes , it is stubbornness . But isn 't determination also a good thing ? It was that independent nature and determination that had her holding down three jobs so that her children could attend the Montessori school all the way through the 6th grade . When she started to have difficulty in her bookkeeping and accounting jobs as the Alzheimer 's began to creep into her world , she had the idea of starting up her own business for money . Of course , that wasn 't possible because she could no longer mentally handle the pressure . But how many women do you know who are willing to go to such lengths ? When Mom finally started to lose her independence , of course it was extremely hard on her . She had her first car accident ever at the age of about 65 . She was rattled from getting her first speeding ticket ever , as she cruised the country roads to get to the church service on time . And she just didn 't stop fast enough to avoid the car stopped in front of her at the light in town . Thank God no one was physically injured . It was just her pride . The most heartwrenching display of her new lack of independence came that last Christmas we all had together in 2010 . I had bought Mom a new nightgown . She kept insisting on either wearing a thin pink button - down housedress that was much too cold for that time of year . Or , she would simply sleep in her clothes . I found her a great flannel one that had snowmen on it . I almost wanted to keep it for myself . She pretended to be excited about wearing it , but then was resistant to putting it on . She smelled so bad from having slept in her clothes for about a week . I admit that my father and I both lost our tempers with her . See , she was in that awful stage of sometimes being aware of what was going on and being argumentative , and sometimes really unable to help it . It was frustrating on all of us . Anyway , I felt bad about snapping at her in my exhaustion . I went back to see if I could talk some sense into her . She was halfway in the nightgown , with her clothes still on , and was stuck in it . She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said , " I just don 't know how to put this on . " Both of us started crying as I held my mother in my arms . It was total role reversal . She was the little kid seeking out comfort from her mommy . When she was done , I helped her get changed into her new nightgown . She admitted that it was definitely much warmer than her other one and that she liked it a lot . She thanked me profusely and kissed me on my forehead . And then we went back into the living room . I inherited my independent spirit from my mother . I can 't imagine what it would be like to see that slowly slipping away from me . I hope I never have to experience that . Everyone 's life is filled with the good , the bad and the ugly . At some point , though , you have to let go of the bad stuff and move on . When you lose someone , you need to cherish those happy memories . My childhood was a relatively happy one . I can 't really complain about anything . Sure , at the time I would get mad at my parents for saying " No " about something . But in the long run , didn 't I end up a better person ? ( At least I hope so ? : - P ) Because of my mother 's farming background , she always did her gardening in a different way than my father . Mom was the queen of straight rows , perfectly lined and balanced . Dad was the artist who thrived on odd numbers and clumps . For that reason , they pretty much agreed to disagree and each one took care of their own garden . Mom had a big garden in our backyard . Somewhere in a box I have pictures of the big tractor digging it up for us . She wanted to return to her roots and provide some healthy foods for her family . I remember helping her to plant the seeds every year and to help harvest the crops when they were ready . The two plants I remember the most were the green beans ( which I love ) and the rhubarb ( which I can 't stand ) . We also had random asparagus growing in the middle of the backyard . ( I hated it then , but enjoy it now . ) When we had food ready to eat , we would enjoy the fresh veggies for dinner . Mom also spent a lot of time canning foods for the fall and winter . It always tasted better than that salty crap in a can . And fresh produce used to hard to come by . I only wish I would have paid more attention to how she did that part of it . I like to grow my own veggies in my own small vegetable patch at my house , but can only enjoy the goodness when it is freshly picked . My mother grew up on a farm in Michigan . She often told us stories about following behind the tractor , dropping tomato seeds into perfectly spaced holes . Her job as a child was to feed the chickens . They raised their own steer , so she had way too much red meat growing up . I can hardly think of a time that I saw her willingly eat steak or hamburger . She always talked about learning a bit of Spanish from the migrant workers who helped them out every year . She also developed a passion for teaching as she taught their children some English . Growing up on a farm gave my mother different perspectives on life . She was very much into home - cooked meals . She taught me the joys of scrambled eggs with hamburger ( a . k . a . heart attack in a skillet , but dammit , it was good ! ) . She didn 't believe in wasting food nor resources and had a great appreciation for the outdoors . It also taught her about hard work and dedication , something passed down to both of us . My mother married a city boy and ended up leading a relatively city life . In a way , it was like they compromised , as our store and apartment were placed on a full acre of land . We did have opportunities to visit aunts , uncles and cousins who were continuing somewhat of a farming life . I have fond memories of being dragged around on an ancient pony named Captain and sitting on Uncle Paul 's lap steering the tractor . Weddings were complete with square dancing . I think I was the only one of my friends growing up who had any idea how to do it . We knew that Mom was slipping many years ago when my cousin finally had to tear down the old barn that her father had built by himself . It was a safety hazard and beyond repair . Every time my parents would go visit my father 's mother in her assisted living facility , they would meander over the state line to drive past the old farms . It was a shock when the barn was gone , but Mom relived its demise time and time again , every time they drove past . When I was working toward moving Mom to the facility where Dad originally wanted her placed , I was amazed by the special courtyard in the secure ward . Painted on the large fence is a farm scene , with a large red barn , just like the one my grandfather had built . At first , Mom seemed to appreciate the fence as a work of art . But very quickly she seemed to think of it as a real farm . I remember hearing her tell some visitors about taking care of her farm and pointing out the window . It warms my heart to know that perhaps she is living back in her heyday on that farm with her parents and siblings . Here I am behind on the A to Z Challenge again . It 's okay . At least I am doing it , right ? I can 't help but think , though , that I was meant to wait for E until today . After all , it is Easter , right ? Some of my favorite memories are from our Easters when I was a child . Mom was a church organist . That meant she had to get up at some God awful hour to go play the organ at a sunrise service . And she left Dad to get us ready for church . Sometimes she would actually have time to come home and get us . As usual , after our 9 o ' clock service , Grandma would come to pick us up . Mom always had to play for the 11 o ' clock service , which was geared strictly toward adults . Dad was usually at home sleeping in from sponsoring his AA buddies the night before . Sometimes Dad would join us over at Grandma 's for a special Easter brunch . Other times , we would all reconvene later in the day . But no matter what , when we pulled into our driveway , we were always greeted with a special note from the Easter Bunny on our door . We had to follow his instructions to the letter . They often included hanging up our coats in the closet ( the only time we would do so ) and then running straight back to our bedrooms . Waiting for us was often some small doll or stuffed animal and our empty Easter baskets . There would be another clue sitting on the pillow . We were directed in all kinds of strange patterns throughout the house , into the store , outside in the yard via these little clues printed in brown felt tip pen on index cards . Some of the clues were straightforward . Some of them were riddles that we had to decipher . We probably spent at least an hour wandering around our little apartment , seeking the little bit of candy and all of those hard - boiled eggs that we colored . I never ate the eggs . I hated the Peeps . I enjoyed the jellybeans , which came from our school 's annual fundraiser . My favorites were ( and still are ) the Cadbury Eggs . Those were few and far between , though . I had to knock my sister out of the way should I spot one . We didn 't get much , but we were grateful for what we had . In fact , I didn 't realize until I was an adult how little those Easter baskets actually were . I still have mine and use it in my classroom at this time of year . I always remember thinking how ironic it was that the Easter Bunny had the same handwriting as my mother . Santa Claus had the same handwriting as Dad . When my sister and I had finally outgrown the Easter hunt , I often asked my parents how they pulled that off every year . Mom would always insist , " I don 't know what you 're talking about . The Easter Bunny did it . " Dad would just shrug . Unfortunately , life doesn 't always work out the way we have planned . I do not have any of my own children , for a multitude of reasons both in and out of my control . And Mom no longer has any recollection of our Easter Egg hunts . Somehow , I am okay with that . It keeps the magic alive for me , even as a grown adult . Before my mother became my mother , she was her mother 's daughter . The youngest of three kids , she was a typical baby of the family . She got lots of attention , but was still expected to carry her share of the load . She always talked about feeding the chickens , planting the tomatoes , and helping to cook and clean around the house . Mom was also quite the Daddy 's girl . She was working at a local school on the day that Grandpa came in from going to town and collapsed on the floor . Grandma called for the ambulance and then called for her youngest daughter to come home , per her husband 's request . Mom arrived at the house just as Grandpa was being wheeled into the ambulance . Her father glanced upon her face and then the ambulance doors were shut . He died on the way to the hospital . Following her father 's death , Mom stayed on at her mother 's house , helping to take care of her and to keep her company . When she was 31 , she had finally saved up enough money to purchase her own house . She was just far enough away to be on her own , but close enough to rush home at a moment 's notice . It was while the two of them were out shopping for furniture that my mother met my father . After a few years of marriage , my parents finally had me . The daughter became a mother , with a daughter of her own . A couple of years after that , my sister was born . That daughter was now the mother of two daughters of her own . My parents opened up their own furniture store . Its location was about four miles south of my grandmother 's farm , though in a different state . Again , my mother continued to care for her mother . I have many memories of spending time with Grandma in her kitchen , while my mother went berry picking . Grandma would come down to our house , and Mother and Daughter would sweat over making jams and jellies , applesauce , and canning fresh veggies from the garden . And then Grandma got really sick . Her Alzheimer 's had finally gotten to the point where it was not safe for her to live at home anymore . My mother had to make one of the most difficult decisions a daughter can make . She and her siblings had to put Grandma into a nursing home , so that her needs could be properly met in a safe environment . My mother was a better daughter than I am . She went to visit her mother as frequently as she could . It was hard for her to accept that her mother was slowly losing her memory . As Grandma forgot the world around her , she also forgot about her daughter . I don 't think my mother ever got over that . Mom was sick for months after her mother passed away . I think she felt somewhat responsible for her mother 's deterioration . My duty as a daughter kicked into high gear , advocating for my parents a year ago after Mom ran away . I still remember my father calling me at work to say that he was going to pick up Mom from the hospital . " The hell you are ! " I shouted in the phone before calling the hospital . I demanded to speak with the nurses and social workers , begging them to help me get my mother into a home . It simply was no longer possible for my father to care for her . And my sister and I both live several hundred miles away from our parents . I was the daughter who was physically there to help my mother get situated in her current home , as Dad lay in a coma from his brain bleed . ( He sustained this from a fall on the ice that happened while he was gathering paperwork to get Mom situated in a home . ) My sister shared in the responsibility from afar via phone . I am the daughter who gets that phone call when there is a medical emergency or a simple change in meds . My sister is the daughter who handles all of the legal issues . I am sure Mom and Dad are proud of their two daughters working together . As for my own identity as a daughter , it is still there . My parents are not here anymore , but once upon a time I was someone 's daughter . I still am , on a spiritual level . I have a couple of adoptive mothers who look upon me as their daughter . Perhaps some day I will also be blessed with my own daughter . And then I can share my legacy with her . Christmas was always quite the ordeal in our house . My mother was a church organist , so her entire Christmas Eve was always spent playing music at church . When we were younger , we would go along to the early service , so that we would be in bed in time for Santa Claus to come . As we got older , we started to appreciate the value of the candlelight service , instead . My mother never liked the idea of Santa Claus . My parents had never planned on using that concept with my sister and I . Alas , the influence of kids at school - once we heard about the jolly old man , that was it . So , my father would stay up late , presumably waiting for my mother , meticulously wrapping all of the presents that were carefully arranged under a beautiful tree . She would come home from church late . The two would collapse into bed in the middle of the night . We would wake up really early , eager to open our treasures . As we got older , the joy and surprise of numerous wrapped gifts was no longer necessary . Santa Claus was a symbol of giving and no longer a man in whom we believed . His name was sometimes signed on the gift tags . And then the gift tags became nonexistent . It was becoming too stressful to wrap the presents for us . Dad was now working third shift at the juvenile jail . Mom was the sole person in charge of buying us gifts . We would try to make a list of things that we wanted / needed , but she always got creative . She could never pass up those horrible tables of special items that only come out at the holidays . And we always got identical , or very similar , gifts . There was the CD holder that was a pop - out drawer that always got stuck . And then the AM / FM radio / keychain / flashlight combo . One of my favorites was the heated ice scraper for the windshield . Only to heat it , you had to plug it into the cigarette lighter of a running car . Chances were , by the time you had the stupid thing heated , your defroster had taken care of most of the job . Even more amusing was how the wrapping ended up being done each year . One year , Mom had run out of time to wrap our gifts . But they were divided by child in large trash bags . My sister and I took turns closing our eyes and reaching into our bags to pull out a gift . After one went , the other would rummage around her bag , trying to find the similar item . We turned it into a big game that was tons of fun . In the last few years , our parents had basically given up on buying us any gifts . Instead , we usually went shopping with them to pick out a few things . It wasn 't the gifts that we wanted , though . It was the cherished time with our parents . My other Christmas memories with Mom include sitting around our organ . Yes , we had an organ in my childhood home . Mom had lots of Christmas sheet music . She would sit on the bench with my sister and I on either side and we would sing Christmas carols for hours on end . That was the only time of the year that we really did that . I looked forward to it every year and still enjoy the songs when I hear them on the radio . I miss those days a lot . My mother 's main occupation outside of the home was a bookkeeper . She had worked as a secretary for her local school district when she first got out of school . In later years , after she met my father and they opened their furniture store , she did the books for the business . This also meant that she was the one who handled most of the household finances . When I started Montessori kindergarten , she started to take care of certain aspects of the school 's bookkeeping , such as billing and payments for after school care . This was to offset the tuition for my sister and I , because it was worth the expense to them to keep us there . I learned a lot about how to keep track of inventory , to create a bill of sale and how to invoice clients because my mother often had us sit with her while she worked . She felt it was an important skill for us to learn . Mom was somewhat old - fashioned in that she still believed women needed to learn secretarial skills as back - up job skills . But at the same time , they were excellent life skills that I have applied time and time again both in my day - to - day life and at various jobs . I have many memories of spending late nights with my mother , reading data for her to enter , helping to separate the printed carbon copies of bills that she had printed , and helping to stuff and lick envelopes . It gave us time to talk and chat about whatever . And we were just spending time together . After my parents closed the store , Mom got a job in an accountant 's office . She later moved to another office and then was sent to work for an individual company . The first major signs of the impending Alzheimer 's came about while she was working at that job . I remember being in town to visit . I was supposed to drive back to New York that afternoon and evening , but a storm was coming . I would be safer staying in town . So , I decided to drive over to her office to surprise her that I was staying one extra night . When I walked into the office , she and her boss were having a heated conversation . Apparently she had forgotten to do several of her duties , including some invoicing and bill paying . And it wasn 't the first time . She was convinced that she had done them all , but she hadn 't . I quietly backed out of the office and went home . I gave my dad a heads - up that she was having difficulties and probably wouldn 't be at her job much longer . He had already figured as much . Sure enough , she was relieved of her duties soon after that incident . She was still determined that there was nothing wrong with her . She sent out many job applications and resumes to various companies that were seeking a bookkeeper . She even contemplated starting her own bookkeeping service for people . But none of these options came to fruition , because it was so obvious that she was slipping . It was painful to watch , because my mother was such a bright woman who could add huge sums in her head . Now she could barely balance her own checkbook or properly count change at the store . It still took several years before we were able to convince the doctors that there was something wrong with my mother . She could still fake it in a controlled setting for a period of just a few minutes . But we all knew better . Classic signs of Alzheimer 's include inabilities to handle numbers . They have difficulty reading a clock and drawing hands on a clock face . Checks start to bounce , because it is such an abstract concept of money . They lose the ability to perform simple sums . If you start to notice these signs in your loved one , or even yourself , consider meeting with a doctor to note the changes and to seek early help . One of the greatest lessons I learned from my mother was acceptance . She and my father never pushed my sister and me to fit into some kind of preconceived mold that would fulfill their dreams . All they ever wanted was for us to be happy . They allowed us to express ourselves as individuals and to spread our wings , while still falling in line with some common sense rules . I got myself into trouble a lot as a kid . I didn 't do anything so horrendously naughty that I would be embarrassed to talk about it . But it was still naughty . Was my mother disappointed in me ? Absolutely . Did I know she was disappointed ? You betcha . But I still knew that she loved me for who I was , no matter what I did . If I got into trouble , she would find a way to help me out of it . She wouldn 't necessarily fix my problems for me , but she would guide me into fixing them for myself and made sure I had learned a lesson . I was such a pain in the ass during my preteen and early teen years . I remember her often saying , " If I ever would have spoken to my parents like that . . . ! " But she muddled through those awful years and we ended up closer than ever when I was an adult . Accepting a diagnosis of Alzheimer 's was not easy to do . My father , my sister and I knew it well before she did . Actually , I think she was fully aware that it was coming . She had been dreading it for quite some time . But she didn 't want to admit it . We had a hard time convincing the powers - that - be that it was happening to her . She could manipulate conversations and cover for herself enough that she could squeak by . When she was finally put into a home , she often tried to run away . She just couldn 't accept the fate that she had forseen coming ever since her mother had succumbed to the illness . The last time that Mom tried to run away was back in mid - September . I still think that part of it was some kind of subconscious awareness that it was her family 's reunion weekend . Over the past few months , though , she has calmed down considerably . She no longer tries to run away . She is less likely to try to leave with visitors . I usually had to sneak out the back door while nurses distracted her , because she was always convinced that she was supposed to come with me . Now , she tries to go on outings or to participate in the main activities at the nursing home . She has lost the ability to play music or to understand Bingo . But she has accepted this place as her home . The hardest part for me is to accept her for who she is now . This woman that I see in front of me is no longer my mother . She looks just like her , though , and that can infuriate me when she is having one of her moments . I think I am the one who is having a hard time accepting . And maybe things will change if and when I can ever get home again . I haven 't been able to visit her in person since June , though I have spoken to her on the phone a couple of times . I know that those conversations are now going to be short and one - sided . She no longer knows who I am . I am just some young girl who is talking to her on the phone . And I am working on accepting that . |
One of my favorite memories is curling up with my mother to fall asleep . When I was little , Mom would rock me in the oversized upholstered rocking chair that she bought when she met my father . It made this horrible creaking noise , the rhythm of which would lull you to sleep . I would fight sleep because I knew as soon as I was out , she would make me go back to bed . It was so comforting to be in her arms . On Friday nights , we would watch Dallas together . As long as I could fit , I often lay in front of her on the couch . Unfortunately , I seemed to quickly get too big for doing that . She would also let me squeeze into bed with her if I had nightmares or didn 't feel well . To this day , when I have a nightmare or don 't feel well , I just want my mommy to curl up with me to make me feel better . I miss my mom a lot . I know she is still physically here on Earth , but it just isn 't the same . Thank you for taking this journey with me this month as I reminisced about her . My parents were older when they had us . Mom turned 37 right after having me and 40 right after having my sister . Most of my friends had parents who were at least 10 years younger . Mom was fully aware of being older . She used to dye her gray hair on a regular basis . I would stand and watch her color her hair . I can almost still smell the dye . I didn 't understand that she was so much older , though . Mom always said that she didn 't feel older when she had us . She tried to not be offended when people asked if we were her grandkids . The two of us kept her feeling young and that was more important . When Mom started to decline , people often asked me how old she was . She is 71 , but started showing signs ten years ago . All I hear in response is , " Oh , that is so young . " Yes , she is young to be suffering from Alzheimer 's . It 's sad that it struck her so young . At the same time , it was to her benefit as she got to miss the hell of watching Dad die last year . But at the same time , she is forever young . Thanks to my favorite resource for this challenge , The Phrontistery , I found yet another great word to describe my mom . " Xendochial " means " hospitable ; kindly to strangers . " That describes my mother to a T . ( Or in this case an X ? ) My parents were always very accommodating to friends and family in need . Their dinner table was always open for a meal , whether or not it was a holiday . They often put up my friends who needed a place to stay for a few weeks . They liked to take care of everyone . As for the strangers , my mom was like the motherly figure of wisdom to a lot of the young couples that came into their furniture store . She would spend hours at the desk , talking to the young parents - to - be . She was like an unpaid counselor for some of them . I remember one particularly lonely woman would stay at the store up to two hours after we were closed . Her husband worked nights and she had no family in town . For a few years after she had her baby , we often took care of him . Mom loved words . She loved to play word games . My great - grandmother on Dad 's side of the family was also a fan of word games . Mom often went to visit her in the nursing home and the two of them would play Scrabble . Grandma Belle would abruptly decide that a game was over , close up the game and announce that it was time for Mom to go home . But they enjoyed their weekly games . Every once in a while when I was a kid , my mother would bring out the special edition Scrabble game that she and my father owned . They didn 't want us to ruin the set ; we had a tendency to lose pieces to our games . We ended up with our own word games , such as Boggle and Upwords . After I moved to New York , I often played word games with Mom when we would visit each other . By then she didn 't care about following the rules . I would decimate her by using slang and foreign words , because I knew so many in a bunch of different languages . She didn 't care . It was more important that we were spending time together and laughed a lot . To pass the time , Mom started doing a lot of word search puzzles . It was her way of keeping her mind active . It was difficult for her to read , but she could still focus on one word at a time . She had dozens of those books lying all around the house . No matter where she went , she could do a puzzle . When she moved into the nursing home , we made sure she had a good stock of them available to her . She had a tendency to leave them lying around there in random places , as well . I believe she even got in trouble a couple of times for trying to take some away from the other residents , believing them to be hers . I don 't know how frequently she is using those at this time . So many of those things are difficult for her to do anymore . But if she does , I know she is enjoying them . My mother was a big fan of houseplants . She had this giant cogwheel table that sat in the front window of our living room . It was one of the pieces of furniture that she purchased when she met my father . On it , she had a variety of plants . What worked well for that table was that you could turn it to be able to reach all of the plants for watering . You could also turn it to give the plants a chance to grow evenly in the sunlight . I loved that table . One of her favorite plants to grow was the African violet . She had them in every color imaginable . She couldn 't go to The Anderson 's store without checking them out and often left with another one . They were her pride and joy . I inherited a love for them from her and used to keep several of my own in my home . When Mom moved into her room at the nursing home , I hoped she would still be able to take care of the violets she loved so much . I brought her all of the ones from her house after Dad died and purchased a couple of new ones . A huge sign that she was losing her faculties was that the plants quickly died because she couldn 't remember how to take care of them . I think that in her mind , though , she still takes care of them on a regular basis and that makes her happy . How did I miss Q ? ? I was just going back over my posts and realized that somehow I had skipped over this letter . I wrote so many posts yesterday that I guess it was easy to do . While perusing the list of words that begin with Q on The Phrontistery , I came across " quadrille . " Its definition is " square dance for four couples ; card game for four people . " That brought back all kinds of memories about my mom and her family . Every time someone on her side of the family got married , we had square dances at the receptions . My cousins are significantly older than me , so I was young when they all got married . I didn 't really understand how to perform the dances , but I loved to do - si - do . My cousin Ken was so tall that he would whip me around until my feet were flying off of the floor ! My sister and I used to fight over who was going to dance with him and be flown . We would also bug Mom to get up and join in the fun . Sometimes she did and sometimes she didn 't . As for the card games , my mother was a fan of euchre . She would play with her cousins and many of her friends when they would come visit . The poor woman tried in vain to teach me how to play , but to no avail . I still don 't get the game . I probably never will . But at least she tried . My mother grew up on a farm . They often reused material for chores around the house . I still have beautiful cloth towels decorated with pink flowers that used to be feed sacks . All of these years later , they have held up to hundreds of washings and dry better than any kitchen towel you can buy in a store today . Mom also used cloth diapers to dust . What horrified me as a young child was that she used old underwear for cleaning rags . Once a month or so , we would go on a massive cleaning spree around the house . The worst part was having to go behind the couch where the organ and piano were . My parents were the King and Queen of Knick Knacks . It would take all day to pick up all of those stupid little trinkets , wash them and the cabinet on which they sat , and then return them to their proper places . I loved the smell of the Murphy 's Oil soap , but was completely grossed out that I had to use the old underwear as a rag . I know that they had been washed numerous times and were actually clean . I know that they had holes in them and were therefore no longer fit for wearing . But seriously , UNDERWEAR ? ? It just seemed dirty to me . My mother grew up in an era where women were expected to learn all kinds of basic secretarial skills so that they could get a job . Mom learned how to take shorthand and how to properly type . She could run her fingers across that keyboard like no one else I knew . I was also always impressed at how quickly she could type in a set of sums on a calculator or adding machine . She almost never made a mistake . When we were in elementary school , my parents splurged on their first computer . They needed it to keep track of their business . Plus , Mom was working at the local Montessori school as their bookkeeper , to offset the two tuitions . We were basically not allowed to touch it , but she did eventually buy us a program called " Typing Tutor . " It was a game designed to teach kids how to properly type , quickly and accurately . She was determined that her girls were going to have this life skill . We also were not supposed to use the typewriters if we could help it . Ribbon was expensive . I did well with that typing program . I remember being the nerdy kid who would stay in from recess to type things for the teachers who had never learned how to type . I typed my friends ' papers because I was so much faster than their hunt and peck . I kicked butt at " Oregon Trail . " Back then , you killed your animals for hunting based on how fast you could type the words " bang " and " pow . " I remember having small groups of people standing around me to watch me go . My mother had a very logical , mathematical mind . That meant that she liked to have things even . My father , on the other hand , had a very artistic mind . He preferred things to be odd in number . The two of them had a constant battle over the symmetry of plants and decorations on the shelves and tables in the house . Mom would always put out two or four of something . Dad would take one away to make three . The two of them would go back and forth with it , making each other crazy . At the same time , they were just trying to fulfill their own needs . My poor mother was finally outnumbered when my sister took after my father . I am like my mother and tend to prefer even numbers . I have to take an even number of M & Ms in my hand at one time . I can 't handle eating an odd number of things , unless I close my eyes and don 't pay attention . The difference between my mother and I is that I can see how odd numbers can be made symmetrical and am okay with that . To honor my mother 's symmetrical mind , my father did give in once when he created a special painting just for her . It is in various shades of blue , which is her favorite color . The patterns are even in number and in perfect symmetry . He once told me that it was very difficult for him to let go of his own patterns , but wanted to do this for her . It is currently hanging in her room at the nursing home . She doesn 't remember from whom it came , but it makes her happy to have it there . My mother learned how to read at a very young age , just like I did . She was super smart and even skipped kindergarten . When it was time to start school , she just went straight into first grade . When she hit the 8th grade , she was the only one in her grade . She attended a one room schoolhouse out in the country . She often got to teach the younger children when she was finished with her studies . Mom always loved to teach children . She fondly spoke of the Mexican migrant workers who helped on their farm every summer . She taught many of the children how to read English words . Mom also used to like to read . She had a thing for Perry Mason novels and Sue Barton , RN . I even spotted a Harlequin or two stuffed under her bed , but she would never admit to it . I don 't remember ever see her reading a novel , though . My memories of her reading are of magazines and the newspaper . I am sure she was too busy with three jobs to really take the time to focus on a novel . As I got older , Mom always would lament about how she used to love to read , though never the " heavy stuff " that my father , my sister and I read . I would take her to Barnes and Noble with me , showing her some great books that I thought she would enjoy . I picked up vintage copies of the Earl Stanley Gardner books that she loved so much . Little did I realize at the time , she was probably already unable to actually understand and remember plot points in a book . She did better with the shorter topics that were found in periodicals . Eventually even that started to elude her . I remember countless evenings where she would open up the newspaper and exclaim in surprise at some story in the newspaper . She would have to read it out loud over and over and over again throughout the evening . She didn 't believe you if you said you had already heard it a dozen times . To her it was brand new information again . So , we did the best that we could to swallow our annoyance and move back into reading our own novels . My mother was a woman of very strong faith . While she didn 't wear her Christianity on her sleeve like so many do , she always let you know that God would take care of whatever was ailing you . She was fond of spouting off cliches and old sayings . The last one that she repeated ad nauseum was " When it rains , it pours . " But she would also say things like , " When God closes a door , he always opens a window . " There are three particular prayers that stand out in my mind when I think of my childhood . The first is The Lord 's Prayer . Like a good Lutheran girl , I memorized it and all of our other recitations at a young age . When we switched to a Presbyterian church when I was in the 6th grade , I had a hard time remembering to say " debts / debtors " instead of " trespasses / those who trespass against us . " ( Honestly , I still do , even as an adult . ) The second one was shared before meals around the dining room table . " Come Lord Jesus , be Thou our guest . And let these gifts to us be blessed . Amen . " It was our standard prayer until we became adults . By that point , my sister was in seminary and could come up with other words on the spot . The third one was used any time that I had a nightmare or was scared during a thunderstorm . Mom would either come into my bedroom and hold my hand , or have me tuck into bed with her in my parents ' room . She would always make me say , " Jesus , Dear , be real near , for nothing then shall I need fear . " It 's very short , but to the point . And I always felt better when I said it . Every now and then , I find myself uttering it , even as an adult . I am the only person outside of my family that I know who is the daughter of an organist . I even grew up with an organ in my house . My mother learned how to play when she was a young girl . Her first job playing the organ began when she was 16 years old . She continued playing in various churches for 50 years . When she was let go from her last job , it was very difficult for her , because it was her life . Mom had perfect pitch . She could hear if you hit a wrong note and would come running to correct you . She could also tell if an instrument was out of tune and it made her cringe . I have inherited that from her on some level . I can identify a note being off - key and it hurts my ears . I just cannot play as well as she did . I never bothered with much practicing . Mom would practice songs for church and weddings by playing on the organ we had in our living room . Sometimes she would then move over to the piano for a different sound . Every once in a while , she would have a friend come over and they would play organ and piano duets . Every Christmas season , Mom would gather us around the organ and play Christmas carols . We were allowed to play the piano as much as we liked . We were more restricted from the organ . When I was a kid , that annoyed me . Looking back , though , I guess I can understand why . Mom always loved to tell stories about my sister and I and the organ . Apparently when I was really little , she had to bring me with her to a funeral . I kept changing the stops and messed up the songs . ( Ooh ! Button ! I wanna push the button ! ) My sister was once sitting next to her on the organ bench during a church service . Suddenly there was this humming sound , and no one knew what it was . My sister had fallen face - first onto the keyboard . My mother 's style of playing the organ was so much her own that to this day , I have a hard time listening to another church organist during a service . Most of them make lots of mistakes and I cringe . Mom was enough of a perfectionist where that almost never happened . She was an excellent musician . I guess I never really got past calling my mom " Mommy . " Sure , I went through those teenage years where I wanted to be more grown up and referred to her as " Mom . " And there were those moments of exasperation where she became " Ma . " But after moving 400 miles away , she became Mommy again . What is it about her that makes her " Mommy " ? Well , she would always try to take care of my boo - boos , no matter how little nor how big . These could have been as insignificant as a stubbed toe or as big as surgery or a heartbreak . She spent hours with me when I was sick , even via phone at 4 in the morning when I was in my 30s . Like I mentioned in a previous post , she would even drive those 400 miles at the drop of a hat if it meant she could take care of me . I often find myself crying for her when I am sick or hurt . How many times do you say , " I want my mommy ! " and actually mean it ? There is just something comforting about knowing she was there to take care of you , no matter what . I really wanted my mommy last year when I was dealing with everything with my dad . I remember telling my aunt that she would have to step in on occasion and pretend to be my mommy . At the same time , I was so grateful that Mom didn 't have to go through what the rest of us were going through . She could be blissfully unaware of the pain and suffering . Call me crazy if you want , but I think somehow she is still able to come to me when I am having difficulty . I know that the afterlife exists , and truly believe that my father and grandmother have visited me on occasion over the past 18 months . I wonder if there is some kind of parallel universe that allow for Alzheimer 's patients to do the same ? There is no way that my dad or grandma were the ones who were present for a couple of those visits . The behavior I was experiencing was more like my mother 's than theirs . I also sensed her more than I sensed them . That gave me some comfort , knowing she was still here , even if she really isn 't . Mom was one of those people who was just full of love . She loved her family . She and my father had this intense relationship that included arguing and fighting and then lots of happier times . That was just how they loved . She loved us kids and would do anything for us . I remember several years ago , I fell at work and reinjured an old break just above my ankle . My sister had just left for Boston , so there was no one here to take care of me . Mom and Dad were already planning on coming out a week from then to visit us girls . As soon as she heard I was injured , she stuffed a bag full of clothes and drove out to take care of me that week . When it was time for Dad to join us , she drove the 6 1 / 2 hours to pick him up , turned around , and brought him back for their family vacation . She never thought about it ; she just did it . She was also constantly trying to hug us and told us often that she loved us . Mom loved kids . She was the youngest of three and always had dreams of having a house full of her own children . Life doesn 't work out the way that you plan , and they were lucky to get the two of us . As I have said before , I had always dreamed of giving her a house full of grandchildren . So , she spent her time loving on other people 's babies and kids . Mom also loved to help people . She would get teary any time someone showed her the slightest bit of kindness , too . I remember being in a public restroom . A deaf woman was having difficulty figuring out those new sensor sinks . Mom showed her how to use it and the woman signed , " Thank you . " If you don 't know , this looks very much like someone is blowing you a kiss . Mom automatically assumed the woman was blowing her kisses for her help and got all emotional and did it back . When I called to talk to her on the phone around Christmas , I could tell she had no idea who I was . When I said , " I love you , " she got all choked up on the other end of the line . It wasn 't the " oh , I miss my daughter and she loves me " kind of choked up , though . It was the " Isn 't this young woman sweet ? I don 't know her , but she is telling me that she loves me . " So , she simply said , " Thank you . " It was a little strange to not hear her returning the sentiment , but I don 't really need to hear it anymore . I know she still loves us on some level . I feel like I need to put a post on all of my blogs . Yes , I am WAY behind on the challenge . Life keeps getting in my way . I should have listened to that gut instinct of mine that said , " Write them early ! " Lol Anyway , I have a ton of writing time coming up again soon and will be cranking them out and I WILL finish this month ! On all of them ! Promise ! ! My mother 's whole purpose in life was to be a mother to her kids . There were just the two of us , though she had hoped to have more . Life and biology don 't always work out the way you want them to , though . But Mom had plenty of adopted kids in her life . Whenever a friend of mine was in need , my parents offered up a place to stay . I can think of several instances where we had an extra body sleeping in my bedroom , on an extra couch , or even in the basement in later years . She even attached to some of the kids Dad was sponsoring , on occasion . Mom loved babies more than anything . Because their furniture store ended up specializing primarily in baby furniture , Mom was able to nurture women going through pregnancy . Many customers ended up coming back to visit after the baby was born . Others , who already had young children , also came in seeking several items . If there was a particularly darling baby , Mom would always ask to hold the child . And then she would often ask if she could bring the baby through the door to our apartment to meet me . If parents were apprehensive , she would excuse herself to come get me to come out to meet the baby . She just loved them and most of them did well with her . She just had that big mama vibe that was so comforting . When it was time for me to start babysitting , Mom always gave me a lot of advice . My first job came when I was 11 years old . My first client was 4 months old , but also had a 9 year - old brother . I was there every Saturday morning . Mom insisted that I call her at least once per shift , to check in and make sure everything was okay . My second , more frequent babysitting job , started with a little guy who was about six weeks old . I was 12 , but because he was so small and the hours were so long at times , Mom had me watch him at our house . I kept that job until he was almost three years old . I learned more of her wisdom from that hands - on experience than any classes or books could ever teach me . I continued asking for her guidance as I kept babysitting into adulthood . I even shared a lot of my stories from the classroom with her . She just loved hearing stories about what the kids were doing and learning . She always perked up when she had the opportunity to come visit my classroom . On one particular trip , she was coming to school with me to visit . My assistant ended up calling off last minute . My kids had Atrium , which meant half of them would be in a different room at once in the morning . My afternoon class was always about half the morning number . My administrator asked Mom if she wouldn 't mind being my assistant that morning . She was so delighted to do so that she frequently brought up the experience for several years to follow . Mom always looked forward to having grandchildren . I was very seriously involved with a man who had custody of his five year - old daughter . My mother spoiled her as if she were her own . Alas , that relationship didn 't work out and I moved on . My parents finally got to the point where they told me that they didn 't care if I had the man , just bring on the grandkids ! ( It was somewhat tongue - in - cheek , I think ! ) This picture was taken two days after Dad had died . We were all dressed up from another memorial service ( Dad 's cousin had died a couple of weeks before him ) and decided to pay her a visit . When we got there , she kept playing with this doll . Sometimes , she would definitely let on that she was pretending it was real , just to freak people out . But then during other moments , I am not so sure that she knew the difference . If it makes her happy , though , who am I to judge ? My mother always did quite the juggling act . When I was two years old , my parents built and opened their very own furniture store . It was open seven days a week , except for Sundays in the summer . ( Dad wanted the freedom to work outside on his garden at least one full day . ) At the same time , she was the organist of our church . That entailed two services every Sunday , choir practice every Wednesday night , weddings and funerals , and any other special services . When I hit kindergarten , my parents decided to keep me in Montessori school . I was already reading and to go to public kindergarten , I would be learning my alphabet again . My sister was also old enough at that point to join the toddler program . So , Mom started to help with bookeeping and billing at the school , to offset the two tuitions . My sister and I both attended the Montessori school through the sixth grade . Mom continued working there until I had graduated from high school . The day following my graduation , my parents moved to the next county south and closed the furniture store . When Mom left the school , she started working for various accountants in town , eventually landing a position as resident bookkeeper for one particular business . Despite juggling three different jobs , my mother always had time for us . The store closed early on Tuesdays , so that was Girl 's Night Out . On Friday nights , the store closed late , but we would all curl up on the couch to watch Dallas . Saturday evenings were designated for grocery shopping and family nights around the TV watching shows like The Golden Girls . Sunday mornings , we would go to church together and then hang out at Grandma 's while Mom played the second service . Sunday afternoons were spent around the house , or playing in the yard or the pool . She managed to make it to all of our parent - teacher conferences and any performances or special events that we had . As we got older , those times started to drift and change . Girlfriends and boyfriends became more important . But we still snuck in some family time . Holidays were strictly for family . Dinner was expected to be together , as much as customers allowed . And she still came to all of our functions . Because of my mother 's example , I am somewhat of a workaholic . I teach full - time , but also dabble in little things like writing , babysitting , tutoring , gardening , etc . I know that if I need to make some extra money , the opportunities are there for me to do so . It also helps to keep life from being monotonous . When I get tired of one thing , I can often focus on something else for a while . And I always make sure that I leave time for friends and family , like she did for us . My mother was a fiercely independent woman . Sure , she lived at home until she was in her early 30s , but she was saving up to buy her own house . She also was taking care of her widowed mother , as she was the single one of the kids . She had her bowling league , which played every summer . She was so upset when her back finally got to the point where she could no longer throw the ball . She had her own veggie garden , as a tribute to her farming background , and as an excuse to dig in the dirt . Dad had his way of gardening and she had hers . Mom often did what she wanted and when she wanted to do it . Some perceived this as being stubborn . Yes , it is stubbornness . But isn 't determination also a good thing ? It was that independent nature and determination that had her holding down three jobs so that her children could attend the Montessori school all the way through the 6th grade . When she started to have difficulty in her bookkeeping and accounting jobs as the Alzheimer 's began to creep into her world , she had the idea of starting up her own business for money . Of course , that wasn 't possible because she could no longer mentally handle the pressure . But how many women do you know who are willing to go to such lengths ? When Mom finally started to lose her independence , of course it was extremely hard on her . She had her first car accident ever at the age of about 65 . She was rattled from getting her first speeding ticket ever , as she cruised the country roads to get to the church service on time . And she just didn 't stop fast enough to avoid the car stopped in front of her at the light in town . Thank God no one was physically injured . It was just her pride . The most heartwrenching display of her new lack of independence came that last Christmas we all had together in 2010 . I had bought Mom a new nightgown . She kept insisting on either wearing a thin pink button - down housedress that was much too cold for that time of year . Or , she would simply sleep in her clothes . I found her a great flannel one that had snowmen on it . I almost wanted to keep it for myself . She pretended to be excited about wearing it , but then was resistant to putting it on . She smelled so bad from having slept in her clothes for about a week . I admit that my father and I both lost our tempers with her . See , she was in that awful stage of sometimes being aware of what was going on and being argumentative , and sometimes really unable to help it . It was frustrating on all of us . Anyway , I felt bad about snapping at her in my exhaustion . I went back to see if I could talk some sense into her . She was halfway in the nightgown , with her clothes still on , and was stuck in it . She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said , " I just don 't know how to put this on . " Both of us started crying as I held my mother in my arms . It was total role reversal . She was the little kid seeking out comfort from her mommy . When she was done , I helped her get changed into her new nightgown . She admitted that it was definitely much warmer than her other one and that she liked it a lot . She thanked me profusely and kissed me on my forehead . And then we went back into the living room . I inherited my independent spirit from my mother . I can 't imagine what it would be like to see that slowly slipping away from me . I hope I never have to experience that . Everyone 's life is filled with the good , the bad and the ugly . At some point , though , you have to let go of the bad stuff and move on . When you lose someone , you need to cherish those happy memories . My childhood was a relatively happy one . I can 't really complain about anything . Sure , at the time I would get mad at my parents for saying " No " about something . But in the long run , didn 't I end up a better person ? ( At least I hope so ? : - P ) Because of my mother 's farming background , she always did her gardening in a different way than my father . Mom was the queen of straight rows , perfectly lined and balanced . Dad was the artist who thrived on odd numbers and clumps . For that reason , they pretty much agreed to disagree and each one took care of their own garden . Mom had a big garden in our backyard . Somewhere in a box I have pictures of the big tractor digging it up for us . She wanted to return to her roots and provide some healthy foods for her family . I remember helping her to plant the seeds every year and to help harvest the crops when they were ready . The two plants I remember the most were the green beans ( which I love ) and the rhubarb ( which I can 't stand ) . We also had random asparagus growing in the middle of the backyard . ( I hated it then , but enjoy it now . ) When we had food ready to eat , we would enjoy the fresh veggies for dinner . Mom also spent a lot of time canning foods for the fall and winter . It always tasted better than that salty crap in a can . And fresh produce used to hard to come by . I only wish I would have paid more attention to how she did that part of it . I like to grow my own veggies in my own small vegetable patch at my house , but can only enjoy the goodness when it is freshly picked . My mother grew up on a farm in Michigan . She often told us stories about following behind the tractor , dropping tomato seeds into perfectly spaced holes . Her job as a child was to feed the chickens . They raised their own steer , so she had way too much red meat growing up . I can hardly think of a time that I saw her willingly eat steak or hamburger . She always talked about learning a bit of Spanish from the migrant workers who helped them out every year . She also developed a passion for teaching as she taught their children some English . Growing up on a farm gave my mother different perspectives on life . She was very much into home - cooked meals . She taught me the joys of scrambled eggs with hamburger ( a . k . a . heart attack in a skillet , but dammit , it was good ! ) . She didn 't believe in wasting food nor resources and had a great appreciation for the outdoors . It also taught her about hard work and dedication , something passed down to both of us . My mother married a city boy and ended up leading a relatively city life . In a way , it was like they compromised , as our store and apartment were placed on a full acre of land . We did have opportunities to visit aunts , uncles and cousins who were continuing somewhat of a farming life . I have fond memories of being dragged around on an ancient pony named Captain and sitting on Uncle Paul 's lap steering the tractor . Weddings were complete with square dancing . I think I was the only one of my friends growing up who had any idea how to do it . We knew that Mom was slipping many years ago when my cousin finally had to tear down the old barn that her father had built by himself . It was a safety hazard and beyond repair . Every time my parents would go visit my father 's mother in her assisted living facility , they would meander over the state line to drive past the old farms . It was a shock when the barn was gone , but Mom relived its demise time and time again , every time they drove past . When I was working toward moving Mom to the facility where Dad originally wanted her placed , I was amazed by the special courtyard in the secure ward . Painted on the large fence is a farm scene , with a large red barn , just like the one my grandfather had built . At first , Mom seemed to appreciate the fence as a work of art . But very quickly she seemed to think of it as a real farm . I remember hearing her tell some visitors about taking care of her farm and pointing out the window . It warms my heart to know that perhaps she is living back in her heyday on that farm with her parents and siblings . Here I am behind on the A to Z Challenge again . It 's okay . At least I am doing it , right ? I can 't help but think , though , that I was meant to wait for E until today . After all , it is Easter , right ? Some of my favorite memories are from our Easters when I was a child . Mom was a church organist . That meant she had to get up at some God awful hour to go play the organ at a sunrise service . And she left Dad to get us ready for church . Sometimes she would actually have time to come home and get us . As usual , after our 9 o ' clock service , Grandma would come to pick us up . Mom always had to play for the 11 o ' clock service , which was geared strictly toward adults . Dad was usually at home sleeping in from sponsoring his AA buddies the night before . Sometimes Dad would join us over at Grandma 's for a special Easter brunch . Other times , we would all reconvene later in the day . But no matter what , when we pulled into our driveway , we were always greeted with a special note from the Easter Bunny on our door . We had to follow his instructions to the letter . They often included hanging up our coats in the closet ( the only time we would do so ) and then running straight back to our bedrooms . Waiting for us was often some small doll or stuffed animal and our empty Easter baskets . There would be another clue sitting on the pillow . We were directed in all kinds of strange patterns throughout the house , into the store , outside in the yard via these little clues printed in brown felt tip pen on index cards . Some of the clues were straightforward . Some of them were riddles that we had to decipher . We probably spent at least an hour wandering around our little apartment , seeking the little bit of candy and all of those hard - boiled eggs that we colored . I never ate the eggs . I hated the Peeps . I enjoyed the jellybeans , which came from our school 's annual fundraiser . My favorites were ( and still are ) the Cadbury Eggs . Those were few and far between , though . I had to knock my sister out of the way should I spot one . We didn 't get much , but we were grateful for what we had . In fact , I didn 't realize until I was an adult how little those Easter baskets actually were . I still have mine and use it in my classroom at this time of year . I always remember thinking how ironic it was that the Easter Bunny had the same handwriting as my mother . Santa Claus had the same handwriting as Dad . When my sister and I had finally outgrown the Easter hunt , I often asked my parents how they pulled that off every year . Mom would always insist , " I don 't know what you 're talking about . The Easter Bunny did it . " Dad would just shrug . Unfortunately , life doesn 't always work out the way we have planned . I do not have any of my own children , for a multitude of reasons both in and out of my control . And Mom no longer has any recollection of our Easter Egg hunts . Somehow , I am okay with that . It keeps the magic alive for me , even as a grown adult . Before my mother became my mother , she was her mother 's daughter . The youngest of three kids , she was a typical baby of the family . She got lots of attention , but was still expected to carry her share of the load . She always talked about feeding the chickens , planting the tomatoes , and helping to cook and clean around the house . Mom was also quite the Daddy 's girl . She was working at a local school on the day that Grandpa came in from going to town and collapsed on the floor . Grandma called for the ambulance and then called for her youngest daughter to come home , per her husband 's request . Mom arrived at the house just as Grandpa was being wheeled into the ambulance . Her father glanced upon her face and then the ambulance doors were shut . He died on the way to the hospital . Following her father 's death , Mom stayed on at her mother 's house , helping to take care of her and to keep her company . When she was 31 , she had finally saved up enough money to purchase her own house . She was just far enough away to be on her own , but close enough to rush home at a moment 's notice . It was while the two of them were out shopping for furniture that my mother met my father . After a few years of marriage , my parents finally had me . The daughter became a mother , with a daughter of her own . A couple of years after that , my sister was born . That daughter was now the mother of two daughters of her own . My parents opened up their own furniture store . Its location was about four miles south of my grandmother 's farm , though in a different state . Again , my mother continued to care for her mother . I have many memories of spending time with Grandma in her kitchen , while my mother went berry picking . Grandma would come down to our house , and Mother and Daughter would sweat over making jams and jellies , applesauce , and canning fresh veggies from the garden . And then Grandma got really sick . Her Alzheimer 's had finally gotten to the point where it was not safe for her to live at home anymore . My mother had to make one of the most difficult decisions a daughter can make . She and her siblings had to put Grandma into a nursing home , so that her needs could be properly met in a safe environment . My mother was a better daughter than I am . She went to visit her mother as frequently as she could . It was hard for her to accept that her mother was slowly losing her memory . As Grandma forgot the world around her , she also forgot about her daughter . I don 't think my mother ever got over that . Mom was sick for months after her mother passed away . I think she felt somewhat responsible for her mother 's deterioration . My duty as a daughter kicked into high gear , advocating for my parents a year ago after Mom ran away . I still remember my father calling me at work to say that he was going to pick up Mom from the hospital . " The hell you are ! " I shouted in the phone before calling the hospital . I demanded to speak with the nurses and social workers , begging them to help me get my mother into a home . It simply was no longer possible for my father to care for her . And my sister and I both live several hundred miles away from our parents . I was the daughter who was physically there to help my mother get situated in her current home , as Dad lay in a coma from his brain bleed . ( He sustained this from a fall on the ice that happened while he was gathering paperwork to get Mom situated in a home . ) My sister shared in the responsibility from afar via phone . I am the daughter who gets that phone call when there is a medical emergency or a simple change in meds . My sister is the daughter who handles all of the legal issues . I am sure Mom and Dad are proud of their two daughters working together . As for my own identity as a daughter , it is still there . My parents are not here anymore , but once upon a time I was someone 's daughter . I still am , on a spiritual level . I have a couple of adoptive mothers who look upon me as their daughter . Perhaps some day I will also be blessed with my own daughter . And then I can share my legacy with her . Christmas was always quite the ordeal in our house . My mother was a church organist , so her entire Christmas Eve was always spent playing music at church . When we were younger , we would go along to the early service , so that we would be in bed in time for Santa Claus to come . As we got older , we started to appreciate the value of the candlelight service , instead . My mother never liked the idea of Santa Claus . My parents had never planned on using that concept with my sister and I . Alas , the influence of kids at school - once we heard about the jolly old man , that was it . So , my father would stay up late , presumably waiting for my mother , meticulously wrapping all of the presents that were carefully arranged under a beautiful tree . She would come home from church late . The two would collapse into bed in the middle of the night . We would wake up really early , eager to open our treasures . As we got older , the joy and surprise of numerous wrapped gifts was no longer necessary . Santa Claus was a symbol of giving and no longer a man in whom we believed . His name was sometimes signed on the gift tags . And then the gift tags became nonexistent . It was becoming too stressful to wrap the presents for us . Dad was now working third shift at the juvenile jail . Mom was the sole person in charge of buying us gifts . We would try to make a list of things that we wanted / needed , but she always got creative . She could never pass up those horrible tables of special items that only come out at the holidays . And we always got identical , or very similar , gifts . There was the CD holder that was a pop - out drawer that always got stuck . And then the AM / FM radio / keychain / flashlight combo . One of my favorites was the heated ice scraper for the windshield . Only to heat it , you had to plug it into the cigarette lighter of a running car . Chances were , by the time you had the stupid thing heated , your defroster had taken care of most of the job . Even more amusing was how the wrapping ended up being done each year . One year , Mom had run out of time to wrap our gifts . But they were divided by child in large trash bags . My sister and I took turns closing our eyes and reaching into our bags to pull out a gift . After one went , the other would rummage around her bag , trying to find the similar item . We turned it into a big game that was tons of fun . In the last few years , our parents had basically given up on buying us any gifts . Instead , we usually went shopping with them to pick out a few things . It wasn 't the gifts that we wanted , though . It was the cherished time with our parents . My other Christmas memories with Mom include sitting around our organ . Yes , we had an organ in my childhood home . Mom had lots of Christmas sheet music . She would sit on the bench with my sister and I on either side and we would sing Christmas carols for hours on end . That was the only time of the year that we really did that . I looked forward to it every year and still enjoy the songs when I hear them on the radio . I miss those days a lot . My mother 's main occupation outside of the home was a bookkeeper . She had worked as a secretary for her local school district when she first got out of school . In later years , after she met my father and they opened their furniture store , she did the books for the business . This also meant that she was the one who handled most of the household finances . When I started Montessori kindergarten , she started to take care of certain aspects of the school 's bookkeeping , such as billing and payments for after school care . This was to offset the tuition for my sister and I , because it was worth the expense to them to keep us there . I learned a lot about how to keep track of inventory , to create a bill of sale and how to invoice clients because my mother often had us sit with her while she worked . She felt it was an important skill for us to learn . Mom was somewhat old - fashioned in that she still believed women needed to learn secretarial skills as back - up job skills . But at the same time , they were excellent life skills that I have applied time and time again both in my day - to - day life and at various jobs . I have many memories of spending late nights with my mother , reading data for her to enter , helping to separate the printed carbon copies of bills that she had printed , and helping to stuff and lick envelopes . It gave us time to talk and chat about whatever . And we were just spending time together . After my parents closed the store , Mom got a job in an accountant 's office . She later moved to another office and then was sent to work for an individual company . The first major signs of the impending Alzheimer 's came about while she was working at that job . I remember being in town to visit . I was supposed to drive back to New York that afternoon and evening , but a storm was coming . I would be safer staying in town . So , I decided to drive over to her office to surprise her that I was staying one extra night . When I walked into the office , she and her boss were having a heated conversation . Apparently she had forgotten to do several of her duties , including some invoicing and bill paying . And it wasn 't the first time . She was convinced that she had done them all , but she hadn 't . I quietly backed out of the office and went home . I gave my dad a heads - up that she was having difficulties and probably wouldn 't be at her job much longer . He had already figured as much . Sure enough , she was relieved of her duties soon after that incident . She was still determined that there was nothing wrong with her . She sent out many job applications and resumes to various companies that were seeking a bookkeeper . She even contemplated starting her own bookkeeping service for people . But none of these options came to fruition , because it was so obvious that she was slipping . It was painful to watch , because my mother was such a bright woman who could add huge sums in her head . Now she could barely balance her own checkbook or properly count change at the store . It still took several years before we were able to convince the doctors that there was something wrong with my mother . She could still fake it in a controlled setting for a period of just a few minutes . But we all knew better . Classic signs of Alzheimer 's include inabilities to handle numbers . They have difficulty reading a clock and drawing hands on a clock face . Checks start to bounce , because it is such an abstract concept of money . They lose the ability to perform simple sums . If you start to notice these signs in your loved one , or even yourself , consider meeting with a doctor to note the changes and to seek early help . One of the greatest lessons I learned from my mother was acceptance . She and my father never pushed my sister and me to fit into some kind of preconceived mold that would fulfill their dreams . All they ever wanted was for us to be happy . They allowed us to express ourselves as individuals and to spread our wings , while still falling in line with some common sense rules . I got myself into trouble a lot as a kid . I didn 't do anything so horrendously naughty that I would be embarrassed to talk about it . But it was still naughty . Was my mother disappointed in me ? Absolutely . Did I know she was disappointed ? You betcha . But I still knew that she loved me for who I was , no matter what I did . If I got into trouble , she would find a way to help me out of it . She wouldn 't necessarily fix my problems for me , but she would guide me into fixing them for myself and made sure I had learned a lesson . I was such a pain in the ass during my preteen and early teen years . I remember her often saying , " If I ever would have spoken to my parents like that . . . ! " But she muddled through those awful years and we ended up closer than ever when I was an adult . Accepting a diagnosis of Alzheimer 's was not easy to do . My father , my sister and I knew it well before she did . Actually , I think she was fully aware that it was coming . She had been dreading it for quite some time . But she didn 't want to admit it . We had a hard time convincing the powers - that - be that it was happening to her . She could manipulate conversations and cover for herself enough that she could squeak by . When she was finally put into a home , she often tried to run away . She just couldn 't accept the fate that she had forseen coming ever since her mother had succumbed to the illness . The last time that Mom tried to run away was back in mid - September . I still think that part of it was some kind of subconscious awareness that it was her family 's reunion weekend . Over the past few months , though , she has calmed down considerably . She no longer tries to run away . She is less likely to try to leave with visitors . I usually had to sneak out the back door while nurses distracted her , because she was always convinced that she was supposed to come with me . Now , she tries to go on outings or to participate in the main activities at the nursing home . She has lost the ability to play music or to understand Bingo . But she has accepted this place as her home . The hardest part for me is to accept her for who she is now . This woman that I see in front of me is no longer my mother . She looks just like her , though , and that can infuriate me when she is having one of her moments . I think I am the one who is having a hard time accepting . And maybe things will change if and when I can ever get home again . I haven 't been able to visit her in person since June , though I have spoken to her on the phone a couple of times . I know that those conversations are now going to be short and one - sided . She no longer knows who I am . I am just some young girl who is talking to her on the phone . And I am working on accepting that . |
" Alright , we 'll go to the zoo . Now , go get your things together . It 's time to take you back to your mom . " Melissa Gibson went to her room , put her clothes and toys in her suitcase , and carried it down the stairs . She held her father 's hand as they left the house to get into the car for the short trip back to her mother 's house . Melissa hated the fact that her parents didn 't live together anymore . She was six years old and didn 't understand why her and her parents ' lives had to change like this . She did love both her parents , but she had more fun with her father . All her mother ever did was give her rules to follow , but she followed them because she was afraid that if she didn 't , then her mother would divorce her also . So when she returned home , she always made sure that she ran up to greet her mother so that she wouldn 't think that she was favoring one parent over the other . Melissa just hoped that her mother 's boyfriend wasn 't around . Jean Gibson , nee Harkins , loved her daughter but she hated her ex - husband . He was her first high school love and when she found out that , after ten years of marriage , he was having an affair with a nurse , she blew up . When her husband got home from a " business trip " , all hell broke loose ! Before he had gotten home , she had taken his favorite possessions outside , put them in a trash can , and set them on fire . When that had been accomplished , she went upstairs to their bedroom , tore his clothes out of the closet and dresser drawers , stuffed them into a suitcase and set it by the front door . She then poured herself a glass of wine , put as many breakable objects as she could find on a coffee table and sat down on the sofa and waited for him . Terry Gibson , on that fateful day , had dropped off his girlfriend at her apartment , called his wife to let her know that he would be home in about an hour , and drove to what he thought of as his perfect life . When he opened the front door , Jean was very quick to disabuse him of this notion . Once he was aware of what was going on , he raised his briefcase in front of his face and ran at his wife so that he could stop her . When he had her pinned down on the sofa , quickly turning his head to make sure that she was out of ammunition , he tried to calm her down enough so that she could explain what had upset her so much ( he knew already , but he knew , also , that if he could calm his wife down , she would be more receptive to listen to what he had to say . ) . It took awhile and Jean finally calmed down but she sat on the sofa with a stony face while Terry " explained everything " . When he finished , Jean looked at him and said , " I want you out of here and I want a divorce " . Terry stared at her for a second , took his hands off of her , picked up the suitcases that she had packed for him and left . He didn 't even get angry about his personal possessions that she had burned . However , after the divorce , the nurse was no longer important in his life ; Melissa became his main focus . Jean hated sharing custody with her former husband . She felt that by having all of that fun at her father 's , Melissa was having more fun than being with her mother . Jean worked during the week and after picking up Melissa from school , she had to make sure that she did her homework and the few chores that she asked her daughter to do . Melissa never really complained and so Jean felt grateful for that much at least . The only thing that bothered her was that Melissa refused to warm up to her boyfriend , Jerry . Jerry was five years younger than Jean and tried to get along with Melissa . He seemed to be patient with her and never made any derogatory remarks about the girl 's father . Jean more than made up for Jerry 's lack of complaining by degrading her ex - husband every chance she got ; she , however , never did it when Melissa was around . One night as she was watching television in bed and Jerry was in the shower , a show came on discussing the problems that children of divorced parents had in coping with every day situations such as interaction with school mates , making new friends , or acting out their frustrations through destructive acts . Jean did not feel that Melissa had any of these problems , but the doctor who was discussing this said that it was important for each of the parents to talk to the child , or children , or they could develop serious psychological problems as they got older . Jean remembered when her parents had gotten a divorce when she was eight years old . The constant bickering , mostly brought on by alcohol , caused her to be a shy child . If it hadn 't been for Terry 's persistence and charm , she might have been an old maid . The only thing about her parents ' dysfunctional relationship that remained with her was a distaste for alcohol and sex . It had taken everything that Terry had within to finally persuade her to become a mother . She eventually decided to give in for fear of losing her husband but , after her daughter 's birth , she tried to avoid sex as much as possible . The couple of times that she did give in to him , she prayed that he would get it over with as quickly as possible . Thinking over all of these things gave Jean an idea about how to get even with Terry . It would be another week before she could implement her plan , which was fortunate because it gave her time to get everything in order . Terry usually picked Melissa up at her mother 's place at 4 : 00 PM on Fridays . He had honked the car horn when he got there and Melissa would usually come running out of the house carrying her backpack . This particular Friday , when he honked his horn , Melissa came out of the house walking slowly and not looking at her father as she went to the car . Terry was worried , so when she got in the car , he asked , " So where would you like to go for dinner tonight ? McDonald 's ? Burger King ? How about pizza ? We could go to Chucky Cheese if you want . " Now he really was worried , because Melissa always picked the restaurant that they went to for dinner . Since it was close , he pulled into the drive - thru for Burger King and placed their usual order . When he paid for the food , he handed the bags to Melissa and drove home in silence . When they got home , he put the food on plates , put the straws into their drinks and ate . Melissa picked at her french fries and barely touched her cheeseburger . Terry decided that he was over his head , so he went to his den and called Jean . " Did you say something to upset her ? Has your boyfriend being messing with her ? If he has , I will have his ass thrown in jail so fast , your head will spin . " " Of course Jerry hasn 't been messing with her , as you put it . How dare you insinuate that I would put my daughter in danger ! You really have some nerve ! " As usual , trying to talk to Jean always ended up in an argument and getting any useful information out of her was a waste of time . He hung up the phone and went back to the kitchen , but found that Melissa was not at the table and that she had left most of her food uneaten . He proceeded to put the dishes in the sink and wash them . He had just finished drying his hands on the dish cloth when his doorbell rang . " Now what . " he thought to himself as he went to the door . When he opened it , he saw a woman in her 40s with a clipboard and two female police officers . When he heard this , Terry let them in and directed Ms . Linebarger to Melissa 's room . The woman went up the stairs , knocked on the door , and entered . Fifteen minutes passed before the woman returned down the stairs , holding Melissa 's hand . Melissa was carrying her backpack and would not look at her father . The two officers walked up to Terry Gibson , read him his rights , handcuffed him and put him in the back seat of the police car . Melissa never looked up or showed any emotion . Terry Gibson did not see Melissa again until the hearing . " Ms . Harkins , we rescued your daughter and your former husband has been arrested . You will be notified about the date and time of his hearing . For your daughter 's sake , please show up for the hearing ; your testimony will be very important . " Melissa walked into the house and went to her room without saying a word to her mother . Closing the door after the Social worker left , Jean Harkins broke out into a wide grin and gave a little chuckle . She went back into the living room , sat on the sofa , and watched TV as though nothing had even happened . Terry Gibson sat in his cell , wondering what was going on . He had been told , when he was brought in , that he had been arrested for child endangerment and molestation . Even when he knew what he was being charged with , he refused to believe it . He was almost sure that the charges had been trumped up by his wife , but he couldn 't understand why she would do such a thing . They had been divorced for two years now , and if this was her way of getting back at him , he felt sorry for her . He also worried about how all of this was affecting Melissa . He would NEVER do anything like that to his daughter and he was afraid that if this was some sick revenge that Jean had cooked up , how would he ever regain the trust of his daughter . " Sam , I am totally innocent of these charges . This is some sort of sick revenge of Jean 's and I don 't understand why she is doing it . I haven 't done anything to make her angry . I 'm always on time with the child support , so why is she doing this to me ? " " When I picked her up this afternoon , she was quiet and unresponsive to any of my questions . I thought that something had happened to her at school and that she was ashamed . Last weekend , we were happy and everything was normal , that 's why I think that Jean , or her boyfriend , are somehow responsible for the way that Melissa was behaving . " " Alright . You 'll go before the judge tomorrow for your preliminary hearing . I don 't know if I 'll be able to get you out on bail , but I 'll try . These are very serious accusations . I 'll check up on Jean 's boyfriend , since some women refuse to believe that their men can do any wrong , she may be blaming you for something that he did . " " All rise ! , the honorable Judge Meredith Czurka , presiding . " The 5 ' 6 " brunette , 40ish woman walks into the court wearing her black robe and a look that could melt a glacier . Terry is not feeling good about this , considering that the judge is a woman who looks like she has already decided the outcome of this hearing . Sam Anderson leans over to his client to reassure him that this judge is fair - minded but intolerant of any attorney 's tactics that do not come straight to the point . Terry then looks over at Jean 's side of the courtroom and sees that his former wife is sitting at the table stiff as a board and showing no emotion whatsoever . " Thank God , " he thinks , " she didn 't bring Melissa to the hearing . " He knew that if his daughter was sitting in the courtroom , he would have a difficult time hiding his emotions . " I object , your Honor ! " Sam Anderson stood and exclaimed . The judge looked at the lawyer and said , " I suggest that you either rephrase the question or have it withdrawn , counselor . " Once he returned to his seat , Terry Gibson turned to his lawyer and asked him what he planned to do against this plot to paint him as a child molester . Sam asked him if there was anything that he could use against Jean . He couldn 't think of anything at that time because whenever he picked his daughter up from her mother 's home , she was always happy to see him and never said a word against her mother or her boyfriend . When the request for Sam Anderson to spend some time with Melissa in order to obtain her side of the story , the judge agreed . Jean 's attorney immediately requested that he be present for the questioning and the judge also agreed to this . Both attorneys would meet with Melissa the next day ; in the meantime , Terry would have to spend another night in his cell . Melissa Gibson , when her mother told her that tomorrow she would be speaking to her father 's lawyer , was unsure how to feel . She still loved her father , but after what her mother had said to her , her joy was diminished . She knew that her father loved her , but she was confused about what that implied . Could her mother really think that her father would … molest , yes , that was the word , molest her ? She didn 't even know for sure what her mother had been talking about , but she had been so insistent about it that Melissa spent a lot of time thinking about the times that she had spent with her father . She ate her dinner in silence that night and woke up once in the night sweating from a bad dream . The next morning , Sam Anderson sat waiting in the room that the judge had set up for the interview with Melissa Gibson . After the hearing had been over for the day , he immediately went to his office and phoned a friend of his who was a child psychologist . The friend had several theories about what dynamics where involved in the case . Anderson was interested in one thing that his friend mentioned , agraphobia . Anderson had never heard the word before , but after his friend explained it to him , a light bulb went on over his head . He thanked his friend for the information and asked him if he would be free for the next couple days in case he needed him as a witness . His friend agreed , and Sam Anderson went to speak to Terry Gibson . When Melissa Gibson and her mother 's attorney walked into the room , he knew what line of questioning he would be going with and he wished that he had requested a stenographer to also be in the room . Sam managed to gain Melissa 's trust quickly , which was a relief , and , after asking her a few questions without the other lawyer objecting , he knew that he would get his client back with his daughter . " Yes , the child is attached to her father and sees her mother as being too strict with her . Melissa stated that she was always in a good mood when she was with her father , but when she returned home to her mother , she had to go do her chores . Her mother always seemed to be mad about something , but it is true that she never bad - mouthed her father until the last weekend . " " Yes . You , yourself , gave me the information on a taped interview that you had with Mr . Gibson concerning his former marriage with Ms . Harkins . Based on the information from the interview and what Melissa Gibson said , I 'm prepared to state that Ms . Harkins is a victim of agraphobia , which is a fear of sexual contact . While married to the accused , Ms . Harkins found various reasons for not engaging in sexual contact after the birth of her daughter . When her former husband had been caught having an affair , she displayed normal anger responses , but it was a fairly long time before she formed a relationship with another man . She had probably been molested as a child herself , so when Melissa returned from her father 's care in such a good mood , it must have been a blow to her ego that her only child , and a female at that , received the love from her father that she believes should have been hers . In her mind , all men are molesters and , having been hurt by Mr . Gibson , she decided that she would get revenge by convincing her daughter that her father had molested her . By doing this , the father would be out of the scene and she would receive the love from her daughter that she believed was due to her . " Terry Gibson was given his freedom and his daughter that very day . Jean Harkins was denied all custody and put in jail for child endangerment and while there , ordered to seek psychological treatment for her problem . Jerry left the same day that she was put in jail . Posted on January 21 , 2014 by corporatewhoreofbabylon Reply He woke up and found himself in a small dirt cell . It looked like it had been a hole dug into the side of a wall with metal bars in front of it . His hands were still tied behind his back and he had been put into the cell on his back . With his weight on his hands , he felt the blood being cut off and a numbness creeping into his hands . At least his mouth had not been taped up again , so he could get air into his lungs . While he was trying to find a better and more comfortable position , he heard a voice . It wasn 't very loud , but he could understand what was being said . " Hello , are you awake ? " " Yes , yes I am . Who are you ? " " My name is Dale Evering . Who are you ? " Alex was a bit reluctant to answer that question at first , but changed his mind after thinking about it . " I 'm Alex Dali . Where is this place ? " " The best that I can tell you is that we 're in some sort of prison inside of Summer 's Place . " " Why are you here ? " " I was deer hunting about a month ago in the woods when I saw a tall wall with a guard tower on it . I was about to sneak away , because I had heard stories from the locals about this place , when someone shot me with a dart gun and the next thing I knew , I woke up and found myself in this cramped cell . " " Not until the next day . I told them that I was just tracking down a deer that I had shot earlier . Unfortunately , the deer led me to that area . " " Will we be allowed bathroom breaks or receive any meals ? " " Oh , they 'll feed you . As for bathroom privileges , well that 's a bit unpredictable . " " Great . I guess … " At that moment , a key was inserted into a large wooden door . As the door was opened , the sound of boots tromping on the floor were heard . At the bars to his cell , Alex saw the front of the boots and then a pair of hands reached down and undid the lock to his cell . Without a word being said , the boots walked away and the sound of another opened lock was heard . " The prisoners are to be transferred . The prisoners will not ask any questions . The prisoners will not show resistance . " After these " rules " had been announced , Alex and Dale were dragged out of their holes . In front of Alex stood a person wearing a jackal mask . There were two armed men also in the room who were wearing the same masks . The man who had apparently called out the rules did a stiff military turn around while the other two guards nudged Alex and Dale forward . The group walked down a hallway for about 50 feet and then turned left into another room . Inside this room were three cells . The cells were only large enough to fit a slab set into the wall as a bed and a commode . There were no windows and the only form of artificial light in the room was a 120 watt naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling . The only other thing in the room that was not in the cells were three CCTV cameras pointed at each cell . The head guard unlocked the door of the first cell and indicated to the guards that Dale was to be put into it . He then unlocked the second cell and Alex was thrown into that one . Once both prisoners had been secured , the guards left the room , closed and locked the door and left the two men to themselves , wondering what would be next on these people 's weird agenda . " Well , it 's nice to know that we 've been upgradePosted in Uncategorized | Tagged Alex Dali , cell , dart gun , jackal masks , prisoners | Leave a reply Posted on January 4 , 2014 by corporatewhoreofbabylon Reply Warren Babble had notified his other brothers that he would be going to the Economic Conference in Davos . While he was gone , Warren put Frederick in change of the day to day business of the company . Warren had the fullest confidence in Frederick and knew that he would not have to worry about anything while he was gone . He did ask Ms . Mercer to find some small things to keep Dizzy occupied while he was gone and if she ran out of things , then let Dizzy know that he was not needed at the office . Edwin would be scouting out some locations because Warren was thinking about opening another branch since the company was expanding . Edwin would also be interviewing people to be his " assistant " when he was in Colorado , even though Warren was not aware of this . Based on the rules of the Temple , Warren did not have to know about this anyway . Warren was more concerned with his own standing in the Temple since he heard the news about the body found in Santa Monica . This definitely was not good . It only gave him a couple of days to find a replacement before leaving for Switzerland . He also did not like the idea of telling Levitsky that his man had failed . FIVE DAYS LATER : The President , his staff and friends arrived in Switzerland on Saturday and were put in the Berghotel Schatzalp main suite which occupied the entire top floor . The Economic Summit would start in the evening at a formal dinner set up to welcome all of the delegates . The President used his free time conferring with his staff over a speech that he had been invited to give after the Swiss President 's welcoming speech . He knew what he wanted to say but there were a few phrases that he wanted to have changed . He had just gotten settled in when there was a knock at the door . The President 's Secret Service agent slowly opened the door and spoke to the person on the other side . After a minute , the agent indicated that the person should wait while he spoke to the President . When the President learned who was at the door , he asked his speech writers to leave the room and give him fifteen minutes alone . He then nodded to the agent who went and opened the door for the visitors . Once they were in , the President dismissed the agent . " First off , I would like to let you know that Mr . Babble here is one of our new initiates and that is why I requested that he accompany me on this trip . He is a very resourceful man and someone who I see as a very promising candidate for higher offices . Secondly , I am personally extending an invitation to you to visit Summer 's Place at the end of this month . There are several points of discussion that will be brought up at this conference that I feel we will be able to implement in a much better manner . " " Thank you very much , Mr . Levitsky , for the invitation . I will have my secretary free up my calendar . It is a great pleasure to meet you , Mr . Babble . I consider it a very great honor to be in Mr . Levitsky 's confidence . The two men then left the room and the President 's staff were allowed back in . As Levitsky and Babble walked down the hallway , Warren felt relieved that Levitsky was not very angry about the failed assassination . He knew , however , that he would never be totally off the hook . Both men took the elevator to the foyer of the hotel and went outside to the limo . Levitsky told the driver to take them down the Promenade to the Kurpark . While they were being driven to the park , both men sat in silence . " This will be good enough , driver . " Levitsky said as they pulled up to the entrance . " Wait here . We 'll be back in about twenty minutes . " Both men then got out of the car and entered the Park . Warren felt a slight alpine chill in the air and buttoned up his coat . Soon they were in a secluded area and sat on a bench . " As an initiate into the Temple , you are only allowed one MINOR setback . If this had been something that was a MAJOR threat then we would not be sitting here talking and Cordtex would have a new CEO . Do we understand each other ? " " Yes , Master . In fact , he is a person who applied for a position with my brother Dizzy . For some reason , Dizzy was not impressed with his resume , but I saw more in the man than just some words on a sheet of paper . After I hired him , I had him look into this Mr . Green and see what he could find out about him first before I decided whether to have him eliminated . I believe in having all of the facts in front of me , before planning my strategy . " " Now , as to the dinner tonight . I have another assignment for you . Ms . Claudine Genneau is an assistant to the head of the French delegation . I have been informed that she is a member of an organization that wants to see more money sent to Third World organizations . This is counter to our plans and you must find a way to discredit her . Do not kill her , just use your resourcefulness to find a way . You do not have to tell me any details ; just get it done . Here is her schedule for where she will be during the conference . I want it done by Monday . " Twelve hours after receiving his assignment , Warren Babble had made all the arrangements necessary to see that Ms . Genneau was not allowed back into Switzerland . He had papers forged showing that Ms . Genneau was having an affair with a member of the Taliban and that she was sending plans and schedules for the various heads of state . Warren had met Ms . Genneau at the dinner and , after excusing himself , went to the French President 's room and placed the papers on his bed . The papers were in a folder marked ' Top Secret ' and had the markings of the Securite on them . When the President read them ( never questioning why he had not been PERSONALLY informed ) , he flew into a rage . Ms . Genneau was arrested before she entered her room by Swiss Security and put on a plane back to France to stand trial after the Conference . None of the other delegates ever found out about the situation until after they had returned to their countries . Needless to say , Warren Babble felt extremely proud of himself and was sure that he had redeemed himself in the eyes of the Temple . The rest of the conference went off without a hitch . |
I 've been on a quest for a few weeks now to improve my health , but it 's not just about weight loss . There 's more to it than that . If you 're new to my blog or in case you 've forgotten , my mother was completely incapacitated by Multiple Sclerosis before her eventual death from complications of the disease at the age of 61 . She showed symptoms of the illness in her late 30s . She first used a wheelchair the night of my high school graduation and she never got out of it . She went into a nursing home when she was 53 . Last year , my doctor diagnosed me with Raynaud 's Syndrome . Basically this is a condition where my hands and feet overreact to cold temperatures by not getting blood to flow to them . My fingers and toes turn white and blue . Sometimes they are numb ; sometimes they hurt . There are two types of Raynaud 's : Primary and Secondary . Primary means that the syndrome occurs independent of another illness with no known cause . It tends to occur in people who get migraines and can have flare ups after caffeine consumption and stress . The other type , Secondary , occurs as a symptom of another illness like rheumatoid arthritis or lupus . Or MS . But , you may say , you don 't have any other symptoms of MS , so why worry ? Well , sometimes even though the Raynaud 's is technically secondary , it can actually be the first symptom of the underlying disease and can sometimes occur 20 years before a diagnosis can be made on the disease the Raynaud 's is secondary to . I 'm not saying that I 'm worried I have MS . I am saying I can 't help worrying that I 'll get MS . I am saying that I have read enough about MS and Raynaud 's to know that I am not living a healthy enough lifestyle to prevent real threats from becoming real problems . I do not eat like someone who seeks to avoid disease . I do not exercise like someone who wants her body in top fighting form no matter what enemy it 's up against . I put things in my body that will do nothing other than offer me some temporary enjoyment at the expense of long term suffering . There 's no guarantee that making these changes would save my life . There 's no guarantee that not making these changes means I 'd get sick . There are just no guarantees . But making the changes certainly wouldn 't hurt me . They can do nothing at all for me , but they can 't hurt me . I don 't really have a choice , do I ? My first thought is that I can do these things . I can choose a different path and maybe I can worry less . But can I make permanent changes ? Can I change my habits and my diet for the rest of my life ? I know that I shouldn 't think that far into the future . How can I not though ? In May of 2011 , I What Not To Weared myself . I tried to get on the show , but to no avail . It became clear I was going to have to throw away my own deplorable wardrobe and buy a new one with my own money . For those unaware , What Not To Wear is a show on TLC where two hosts tell you why you dress terribly , throw all your clothes in a garbage can and help you buy new ones up to $ 5 , 000 . The best part is they secretly film you looking awful and then ambush you . I was always looking around for the secret cameras , but I was always so disappointed . The good part about not being ambushed was that I had time to lose weight before my big day . I had 20 weeks from the inception of this idea to shopping day , so losing 15 or so pounds should have been easy . I lost 5 . Well , 5 - ish . Fine . It was 4 . One pair fit perfectly . They weren 't Skinny Jeans , but they were meant to be form fitting . They looked really cute on , which is unusual for me and jeans . Another pair were my fat jeans . When I lost another 2 pounds , I was afraid I 'd be retiring them early . The third pair was cut in a normal way everywhere , but the waistband ( not that they were elastic , mind you ) seemed to be cut smaller so these were not jeans I enjoyed sitting down in . By the time I started this challenge , the skinny pair and I weren 't getting along , the weird waistband ones weren 't even an option and the fat jeans were getting a bit snug . Things looked bleak . It was bad enough I had needed to buy fat shorts to get me through the summer , but now I was going to need more fat pants . As of today : The weird waistband ones are still weird , but they fit again . The skinny pants fit again and my muffin top only protrudes over the top instead of trying to escape completely , so I can wear almost any of my shirts with them ( as opposed to only the few tent - like shirts I have ) . The fat pants are starting to become looser . Sadly I still need new jeans because when you wear the same 3 pairs every day for 16 months , they tend to wear out a bit , but I 'm going to give it a few more weeks and see if I can 't drop a size . Goal 3 : Exercise 20 minutes per day . I missed 2 days completely . One day I walked all day long on the boardwalk and at a museum with the family , but it wasn 't " fitness walking . " I 'm still counting it . That means I 've missed 2 out of 25 days . This may be a new record for me . I 'm going to keep the same goals for October , plus add 1 more . I 'm going to add in weights / strength moves 2 times per week . My plan to set very small goals so I could attain them and feel good about my progress seems to be working . I 'm going to stick with that . I had wanted to lose 10 - 15 pounds in the 8 week challenge and it looks like I 'm on track to meet that goal . Pish had a picture on her post this week that said something like , " If you 're tired of starting over , stop giving up . " Well , if that ain 't the truth . I 'm going to get that embroidered on a pillow . I 'm going to blow it up into posters and hang them up all over my house and office . Actually I 'll probably just try to remember it when I 'm feeling weak or wanting to bail on my goals . Every day I have two choices : I move towards my goals or I can move away from them . I won 't always choose wisely , but hopefully I will more often or not . Hopefully each choice becomes easier . Ant Man . His name alone strikes fear in my heart . It 's important that I point out here that other than occasionally serving the man ice cream , I never had any real interactions with him . He never said or did anything to imply anything was amiss or that I should be alarmed in any way . His head was simply too small for his body . Notice how skinny the body of the ant is in relation to the size of its head . Ant Man was the opposite , thus making his moniker somewhat perplexing . Just the same , the man creeped me out with his too - small head and I maintain that he reminded me of an ant . He also reminded me the Shrunken Head Guy from Beetlejuice , but honestly , that 's just a mouthful . So it was that wherever I went around town , Ant Man was driving along in his 1970s - esque pale blue car . Mostly I saw him driving down the main road where the DQ was located and mostly I saw him around rush hour when he was likely to be driving home from work or something of that nature . Nonetheless , I became convinced he was out to get me . In all the years I lived in that area , I saw him probably hundreds of times . Possibly all but 3 of them were while I was at the DQ . Surely you can see why I was unnerved . I mean , his head was tiny . And he drove down the street where I worked ! Every time something went wrong , I conjured up an elaborate story for how Ant Man was to blame . If he appeared at my DQ window , I would make up a task requiring completion in the back and force one of the newer workers deal with him . I always warned them though . They looked at me like I was crazy . He seemed perfectly harmless to everyone , but of course he would . He wasn 't following everyone else around . He was following me . Eventually I stopped seeing Ant Man . He may have passed away , though with his exceptionally small head it was impossible to tell how old he may have been . Perhaps when I quit the DQ he got thrown off and couldn 't find me . Perhaps he only followed me around when I was in his hometown . I really don 't know . But I was relieved , that much I can tell you . Relieved , that is , until just a few weeks ago . As I was out for a fitness walk a mere 5 miles from the ol ' DQ , a familiar looking pale blue old car drove by . I didn 't get a good look at the driver , but his hair was dark and his head did not look all that regular - sized . Worried , I sped up to get home . I didn 't tell anyone who knew me back in the day about this because I didn 't want to scare them . I can remain silent no more . A week or two later , as I was out for a walk during my lunch break at work , all sorts of troubles befell me . There were many , many bees hovering in the flowers that perfectly lined my path . There was a squirrel fight . A scary pit bull growled at me . A rock fell from the sky and landed straight on my head . Sure , it was only about an inch in diameter , but had it hit in just the right place , the results could have been disastrous . Also , since then , the sidewalks on my route seem to be getting more and more uneven causing me to trip and nearly fall every single day . This is no coincidence . This is a calculated assault perpetrated by none other than , I suspect , Ant Man . Everything was fine until I saw someone who sort of maybe looked like some guy with a small head who I used to see many years ago . You can 't convince me that I 'm safe . I know he 's out there . I just know it . I 'm linking up with some wonderful writers again this week . Please stop by and read their hard work . If you 've got a great story to tell , we 'd love to have you join us . For as long as this story has been in my life , my husband has been making fun of me for it . ( If you haven 't read the story , please do ! ) Of course , he wasn 't my husband at the time , but when you begin dating someone as a teenager , there 's a certain amount of seemingly never ending teasing that goes on . It 's all good , and it 's one of the reasons I love him so much , but I tell you , he has no respect for the story . He will often yell out , " The woman ! She has BUTTER ! " Sometimes he 'll grab a stick and wave it in my face making ghost noises . There have been times when he 'll shout , " Watch out ! " because the butter is out on the counter . And a few times he has offered to console me in case the butter is frightening me . I often squawk back that it is not about the butter . I tend to use my best teenage girl squealy voice to do this . If I was 25 years younger , you may accuse me of flirting . The idea of writing about the woman with butter has been swimming in my head for quite some time and I couldn 't figure out how to do it . Starting out a blog post with " I had this dream once " is worse than starting a conversation like that . A blog post you can click off of . If I 'm telling you a dream in person , you have to pretend to be interested so I can finish telling you . I 've always been afraid of writing fiction . I can write from my heart or I can tell you a story in my own way that hopefully makes it interesting to you . But making up a story is damn near impossible for me . Or at least it is when I 'm awake . In the comments of the post , several people said I could make the woman with the butter into something more . I 'm very easily influenced , so now I 'm thinking of writing more story for this . I am not really sure what the story will be . Will I write about the back story ? The 15 year time lapse ? What happened after the return of the woman ? Considering I didn 't ask anyone if they thought I should expand it , I 'm taking the suggestions as sincere and not merely friends blowing smoke up my ass . And I kind of think it 's funny that now I can torture my husband of more tales of the woman with butter . That 's as good a reason as any to expand a dream into something larger , isn 't it ? This week 's theme is muffin tops and music . I don 't have a muffin top , I have a bakery . Oh wait , I was supposed to be nicer to myself . Never mind . As for music , I don 't really listen to music when I exercise . All day long I hear noise . My kid or my kid pretending it 's his stuffed Angry Birds and not him screaming , the TV , coworkers or the noise of a busy office . . . By the end of the day I want to stick a letter opener into my eardrum because I just cannot take the noise . Remember the The Grinch ? All that noise , noise , noise ! Remember that 's why he hated the Whos ? I get it . I 'd steal their Christmas too . OK , maybe not , but I might mutter under my breath that I wish they would shut the eff up . If you consult with my office - mate you 'd find that all day long I 'm audibly wishing people would shut up . I bet it 's really annoying for her . My point on that tirade is that when I go out for my walk , I listen to nothing . The background noise of cars or birds or pit bulls growling or squirrel fights is enough . I do listen to the creepy robotic voice on MapMyWalk tell me how far I 've gone and how long I 've been walking , but sometimes I turn her down because she gets on my nerves , too . When I was training for a 5K a many years ago , I listened to the Green Day album that was popular around the time , with that Batman song about the city streets . I 'm really bad with song names . But it worked for my pace . If I was going to treadmill train again I 'd probably listen to that ( on my portable CD player ! ) because I 'm a creature of habit . I 've been sticking to my goals of no alcohol ( none since 9 / 4 ) and not buying lunch or breakfast on weekdays . I miss my friends at Chipotle and I think they miss me too . I 've been walking every day except Saturday , yesterday and today . I 'm really pissed about the last two days because I find it really irritating when my workload infringes upon my me time . I 'm going to come clean about numbers . Really I 'm coming clean about math skills . Trying to be vague is making it harder to report progress . Reporting progress helps to keep me on track and really what do I care if people know the number of pounds I am ? You can look at me and see I 'm overweight , so I just decided it 's silly to hide it . My estimates were off in my original post because I can 't do mental math , so here is the whole truth . My healthy weight is between 98 and 128 pounds , depending on who you ask . I 'm just under 5 ' tall . On Labor Day , I was 162 . 8 . Today I 'm 157 . 4 . Two days ago I was 157 , but don 't tell anyone that I 'm still weighing myself every day . I haven 't been 98 pounds since high school and I 'm 36 , so , um , no , that 's not happening . I was 128 when I found out I was pregnant in 2006 and I still felt like I could stand to lose another 5 - 10 pounds . So I 'm shooting for 120 . If I 'm 125 in good shape ( you know , muscle weight and all that jazz ) , then fine . I know it isn 't all about the numbers but I also know that without a goal weight , even a goal weight range , I 'm going to stay where I am which is unacceptable . I 'm down 5 . 4 pounds . At least I think I am , I 'm too lazy to get a calculator . To hit my goal , I have 37 . 4 pounds to lose . There , now we 're on the same page . I reread this post and it sounds really grumpy . I 'm not going to change it and pretend that this isn 't how I 'm feeling . I don 't know if it 's adjusting to a diet that doesn 't include stress eating or a variety of other difficulties , but I am grumpy . Maybe I 'm grumpy from missing my walks . Sorry for the TMI , but I 'm ovulating and that makes me hormonal and grouchy . ( Anyone else get this ? I swear it 's like I PMS twice a month . ) Normally I take out this aggression on food and the snack of apple slices and graham crackers I just had is just not anger management cuisine . Give me a bowl of melted cheese and then we can talk . Except don 't give me a bowl of melted cheese because I need to lose 37 . 4 pounds . I 'm going to wrap this up . My kid and I are going to go for a walk when he finishes his snack . It 's not going to be a real calorie burner , but it 's better than sitting here complaining . I stood in the corner of her kitchen and watched . She stood at the center island , her children on chairs by her side . She was mixing ingredients as the children measured and poured . It was a scene straight out of an old fashioned women 's magazine . The woman left the children to the stirring . She opened the refrigerator and retrieved milk and eggs . She moved a few things around and turned back to the workspace . Her disappointment was apparent . She told the children she must have forgotten to buy butter and the cookies would need to wait . The children hopped from their perches and scampered off , running right past me yet unaware of my presence . Their mother grabbed her pocketbook from the counter and poked her head into the den . She doubled back the way she came and exited through the kitchen screen door . I watched her as she went across the wooden porch , down the stairs and down the dirt path . Her house looked like a farm house on a prairie , similar to those I 'd seen on TV . I went outside and sat on the porch steps , watching as she walked farther away . Her silhouette became smaller and smaller until she practically disappeared . She walked a perfectly straight line , off towards the horizon . I watched her until she disappeared out of sight . Time went by , but how much I could not be sure . Days at least , maybe weeks and the woman did not return . The cookies were never made . Life went on . The children grew up , their father grew older . The family that now only numbered three sat on the porch . It was sunset and the light was fading . The grown children were chatting with one another as the father read the paper . From where I was sitting on the steps , I could see the date . It was exactly 15 years to the day since the woman had disappeared , but they didn 't seem to notice the anniversary . I watched them as they passed the evening , relaxing in the cool night air . I turned my gaze toward the horizon . Off in the distance , I saw the silhouette of a figure walking towards me . As the form grew closer , I could make out the shape . It was the woman who had once walked the opposite way down this same path . She approached quickly , but as she did , she remained a shadow . Her features were never clear , but I knew it was her . In her hand she clutched a small sack . It was the butter . But the landscape was no longer the prairie . Instead , it was my bedroom and the woman had come through my door . I was in my bed and her shadow approached . I was too scared to move . I tried to scream , but no sound emerged . The woman kept walking , the bag of butter in her right hand , until she was at the side of my bed near my feet . She never broke her stride . Instead , she walked right through me . When she was gone , I reached for the light on my night table . I threw the lamp on in a hurry and scanned the room . Everything appeared as it did when I had gone to bed earlier that evening . This happened more than twenty years ago , but I remember it like it was yesterday . I can only assume that I partially woke up as the woman walked towards me and that is how the view changed from the prairie to my childhood bedroom . At least I hope that 's what happened . It is , after all , the only logical explanation . I 'm linking up with Yeah Write this week . Still Family Free . Please click through and read the work of the other writers who are bringing their best this week . And if you 're a writer , would you consider joining us ? I promise you 'll find a supportive community in which to share your work . Not sure what it 's about ? That badge above brings you straight to the source . This isn 't going to be one of those well thought out posts . It 's going to be more of the this is how it is right now sort of posts . We are lucky that my in - laws love having my son spend the night at their house . Nathan is such an early riser that any chance I have to send him over there I take . All last week he woke up around 5 : 15 . Last Saturday he was up at 4 : 50 . I wish I knew what was waking him up . I 've tried putting him to bed earlier and later . I 've tried closing the curtains , opening or closing the windows , turning on or off the air , more or less night lights . I 've tried everything except chloroform and the kid just won 't sleep . He mostly goes to sleep without issue , but I suspect this is because he is exhausted . I know I am . He rarely sleeps through the night . I remember celebrating when he started sleeping from 7 - 12 in his own room , by himself , in his crib and I got 5 hours of not holding him . He was 16 months old at that time . I eventually got us to where he wouldn 't come into my room until 2 am . When he was 3 and half , we moved to this house and he started staying in his room all night . If he would go back to sleep , I wouldn 't care if he came into my room in the morning . If I bring him to my room like I did when he was really little , he won 't go back to sleep . If it 's 5 and he 's awake , he is AWAKE . And it 's not like he 'll come to my room . He won 't get out of his own bed . He calls for me and I go to him . I know what you 're thinking : Why don 't you just tell him you won 't go to him and then not go ? I 've tried . He calls me , endlessly . If I don 't go , he panics . I 've tried telling him during the day when he 's awake that he should come to my room if he needs me in the night . I 've tried telling him at 2 am and 4 am when wakes that he should come get me next time he wakes up . Sometimes he just needs a reassurance that I 'm around and he 'll go right back to sleep . Sometimes he wants me to stand there and hold his hand until he 's back to sleep . I 've also tried telling him that if he can 't sleep , he needn 't wake up the whole house , he should just find a way to occupy himself quietly until 6 am . He claims he can do none of those things . And so I cave so that he 's not screeching like a maniac . There was one day , shortly after we moved here , when the neighbor said she heard a baby calling for his mommy in the night but didn 't know whose it was because it was 3 am and she didn 't know who would be out that late . It was my kid . I had forgotten the windows were open and I had been trying to get him to go back to sleep . Anyway , all this was to say that last night he slept at his grandparents ' house and I woke up to the beautiful sound of silence . I didn 't hear my name . It was 7 am . I wish I could say it was enough for me to be rested , but not so much . That 's OK , I 'm sort of used to the sleep deprivation . You can read my post here about what challenge I 'm talking about . If you don 't want to go back , I can tell you , in one sentence , what my goals are . For 8 weeks , I 'm giving up 2 bad habits and adding 1 new one : I 've had no alcohol since 9 / 5 . Yes , I know 9 / 3 and 9 / 4 were part of the challenge , but , but , but . . . I 've been eating my meals at home on the prescribed days and having responsible meals the rest of the time mostly . This week we are talking about insecurities . I have about a zillion of them , but one that 's relevant to this fitness challenge is my weight . I call myself fat constantly . I try to be cute about it , but it 's sort of ridiculous . I figure if I say it first then it lets people off the hook because I know they were thinking it . For the record , I also know that most people aren 't actually thinking about it . But my perception that everyone is thinking about my weight is a bit out of control . For example , when we order dinner and it 's delivered , I figure the delivery guy is thinking that I have no business eating a pizza with this large of an ass . Or when I order a diet soda in a restaurant , I figure the waitress is wondering why I bother with diet because , you know , look at me . Honestly my thinking is absurd and I know it . Here 's the other thing : I 've lost the same weight multiple times . Between May 2011 and Labor Day 2012 , I have gained 14 pounds . But earlier this spring , I was 13 pounds lighter than I was at Labor Day . I lost the weight and put it right back on within a few weeks . In the last 5 years , I 've been gaining and losing the same 10 - 15 pounds over and over again . This is so discouraging . I know the only solution is to make changes slowly over time and not revert back to old behaviors . But if it was that easy , we 'd all be thin and in perfect shape . I also have a terrible habit of weighing myself every day . Somehow between yesterday morning and this morning , I gained almost a pound . I ate reasonably yesterday so I 'm sure it 's just a normal fluctuation but instead I berated myself yesterday about getting fatter somehow . This is ridiculous behavior , I know , but well , it 's what happens . I need to stop it . So since Labor Day , I was down 4 pounds , except for yesterday so I guess I net out at 3 . 2 pounds for the first 10 days . I know that 's a good start . I wish it was healthy to drop 60 pounds in one week because it feels like this will take forever at this rate . That 's it . That 's how it 's going . I 'm hoping for a more positive outlook next week and continued success in meeting my goals . It was about 10 days before Christmas and I was working two part - time jobs as well as going to school full time . I was single and in my early 20s , but I still had another to care for , at least in part , financially . My scholarship , my only real chance to get a college degree without mountains of debt , only covered tuition . I still had to cough up enough cash for books , transportation and incidentals . I had a day job in an office , but by night I worked in the mall . If you 've had the pleasure , or misfortune , to enter the mall during a holiday season , chances are you will understand my general level of misery . The store I worked in was very busy which meant shift after shift of stocking shelves , ringing customers up and helping people find that absolutely perfect gift for their loved one . I wasn 't allowed to send them to a different store and therein lay the challenge . After yet another week of working like crazy , getting ready for finals and the responsibilities of home , I had to spend my one Saturday off shopping at the same mall for Christmas presents . I got up early and arrived with the rest of the crowds . Even though not a single store was open yet , I already had to park at the back of the lot and walk close to a quarter of a mile to get to the entrance . I found all of the items on my list quickly and in one fell swoop all of my shopping was done . I trekked out to the car to drop off my acquisitions , all the while the bags cutting off circulation in my fingers . Shoppers who were just arriving followed me and were visibly furious to learn I wasn 't leaving , just making a deposit . Although my shopping was finished , there was one last thing I needed . In the food court , just to the left of the down escalator was We 're Talking Turkey . Here one could feast upon a full Thanksgiving dinner , any day of the year except Thanksgiving . For the sandwich lover , WTT offered sliced turkey with gravy , stuffing , and cranberry on white bread . There was an extensive menu of turkey - based treats . But what I loved , what I craved , was the Turkey and Pasta Salad . Radiatore pasta , chunks of turkey and red peppers were coated in a delicate dressing of oil and lemon . It was a very plain salad , but I absolutely loved it . I intended to take it home , put my feet up and eat it and rest for the remainder of my day off . My salad was placed in a to - go container , white plastic with a clear lid . The container was placed into a brown paper bag , folded over . Inside was a napkin and plastic fork . I contemplated eating in my car , but by the time I got back to it , the vultures were circling again for my spot . I drove home , practically drooling over the thought of my salad . I pulled into the driveway , put the car in park and opened the door just enough to stick my leg out onto the ground . Leaning to the passenger seat , I grabbed my belongings and that precious bag of lunch . I turned slowly to push the door open with my left side as I lifted my body out . My arms were so full of things that I couldn 't fit to get out of the car . As I shimmied and shifted , somehow the salad bag got caught on the steering wheel . Suddenly everything began happening in slow motion . I tried to release everything in my left hand to catch the salad since my right hand could no longer balance it . I leaned further out of the car , the salad slipping from my grasp . My last ditch effort to catch it caused it to bounce off the door and straight onto the driveway . The bag had landed open end down . I sat for a moment , unable to breathe . When I finally worked up the nerve to retrieve it , I found my beloved salad had spilled all over the asphalt . The lid had either opened on impact or had never been closed properly in the first place . On my hands and knees , I picked up each and every piece of dirt covered pasta , turkey and red pepper . I could smell just how delicious it would have been and I wept . I mourned the loss of that salad . I heaved heavy sobs , tears and snot pouring down my face , mouth agape as I moaned . Because all I had wanted was a salad and an hour to myself to eat it . A short walk from the car to the house and that peace would have been mine . I was finally presented with the opportunity to rest , to not be a superwoman , to not " do it all " for one short Saturday afternoon , after weeks and weeks of barely keeping it together . The first two days of school are behind us and I am exhausted already . I was never a worrier until I met this kid . Even in the worst of times , I generally took the attitude that things would work out eventually , whatever the problem . I could work to find a solution , there was almost always something I could do to get a better grip on the thing stressing me out . When it comes to my son though , I can 't seem to stop worrying . If somehow I could just see into the future and know that none of this stuff will ruin him eventually , I 'd feel better . I know , I mean I really do know in my head , that a rough first two days of kindergarten will not mean he will be a disaster his whole life . It 's not like I know anyone who is a mess and everyone says " Oh , him ? Yeah , it all started when he had to go to kindergarten and he cried for the first two mornings . " Nathan expressed his fear of going to kindergarten more than a year ago . As soon as he saw the school in our neighborhood and found out he 'd eventually go there , he was worried about it . I was able to put off the discussions for a long time because they weren 't relevant . He was worried about something so far off there was no point talking about it . As kindergarten approached , I talked it up , but not too much . I looked for clues he was interested in the topic and stopped when he was done . I told him I am always here to talk or answer questions or whatever he needed . I didn 't push . I advised others not to push . He 's sensitive . Change and anticipation of change are hard for him . He doesn 't like not knowing what 's coming next . I get it . I respect it . On the first day , we walked to the school and he lost it on the courtyard playground . He cried and sobbed and snotted all over my shirt . He entered the school on line with his class just as he was told but he sniffled and gulped air the whole way . I know I can 't protect him from sadness and hurt and these are necessary lessons for him growing up . But watching your baby be afraid and sad is just heartbreaking . When I returned to pick him up , he was all smiles . Everything was great and he was happy . He said he was ready to take on the next day . Until the next day actually arrived and this time he cried before we left the house . He sobbed and wailed the entire walk . He stopped briefly to talk to a new friend about Angry Birds but when he was left with his thoughts for more than a minute he was crying again . As he walked in , he just kept calling my name saying he loved me . I picked him again all smiles . He said he thinks he could have a better Monday with less tears . I hope so . Because I don 't know if I can spend the next 178 school days sitting at my desk at work , worried that he 's sad . When someone named Pish Posh insinuates that you need to get your head out of a bucket of KFC , you listen . OK , that 's actually not at all what happened . Here 's what really happened . Pish is one of my favorite bloggers and a Twitter friend and though I 've never actually met her , I 'm sure is 100 % awesome in real life too . I totally want to hang out with her but she lives on the other side of the country . Right now , if she 's reading this , she probably is thankful for that since I 'm sounding a bit stalkerish . But I promise if you read her stuff you will think she is so great too . Anyway , she is embarking on an 8 - week challenge focused on getting herself back in shape . Coincidentally , I was recently thinking that I need to do something to get MY focus back where it needs to be : off the burritos and pizza and back on making my ass smaller . She 's hosting a link up to her challenge where we can all join in on her fun , and so I am . To make a very long story short , I 'm overweight . My Wii Fit says I 'm obese and then it makes that " womp womp " noise and my Mii hangs her head in shame . My actual Me does the same . I am shaped like my mother . And my grandmother . I am round . I am a quarter - inch shy of five feet tall and I am anywhere from 42 - 60 pounds overweight depending on my body frame . I haven 't seen the frame of my body in so long that I don 't know if it 's small , medium or large . I could blame this on baby weight . I 'm now at the weight I was the day I gave birth , before the child left the womb . Or I could blame it on the mountains of stress I 've been under for the last 35 years . I don 't remember my first year , I assume it was pretty stress free . I could be wrong . But I 'd probably be better off blaming it on the fact that I love to eat and I usually eat too much . I eat the wrong foods . I don 't exercise . The joints of my lower extremities hurt . I am getting winded doing simple activities . I need a whole new wardrobe , again , because I can 't fit in anything I own . This is not who I want to be . I used to be in decent shape . I want to be in decent shape again . I don 't want to get sick because I have no self - control . I want to enjoy life and time with my son . I don 't want to be obese anymore . I 'm going to give up my bad habit of having alcohol during the week . It 's unnecessary , period . I 'm also going to give up take - out breakfasts and lunches during the week . I didn 't do this every day , but I did it often enough . Again , it 's unnecessary . My new good habit will be 20 minutes of exercise ( at least ) every single day . On work days , I 'll walk at lunch . On the weekends , surely I can find a way to squeeze in 20 minutes . If I can 't get outside to walk , I will walk in the basement of my office or march or jog in place . Yes , I know this is not a " real " workout , but it 's something and it 's better than the nothing I 'm currently doing . There is no way I can lose all the weight I need to in 8 weeks . I guess 8 - 16 pounds is realistic , but I 'm hoping to just build the better habit and not need to buy new clothes . I need to stop the progression of my waistband before I can get it moving in the other direction . I had just settled in at the computer to work when I heard yelling . I peeked through the window , but I saw nothing . I turned my attention to my emails . The yelling resumed . I again looked out the window , this time to see my neighbor from across the street , Maria , running to my next door neighbor 's house . " Donna ! Donna ! " It was hard to tell if Maria was upset or just animated . I had only met her twice before and each time I had no idea what she was talking about . I mostly just smiled and nodded while dodging her elaborate hand gestures . We were living in this neighborhood for about a month , so I didn 't have the chance to get to know her yet . Maria pounded on Donna 's door . Donna and her husband , Bob , appeared to be home . Their cars were in their driveway but they did not answer the door . Unable to get the attention of the neighbors , Maria stumbled confusedly back toward her house , stopping in the middle of the street . I jumped up , grabbed my phone and slid my feet into my flip flops . I ran downstairs and out the front door , barely remembering to unlock the knob - lock so I could get back in later . " What 's wrong ? " I asked as the door slammed behind me . " My husband , he fall . He help with groceries . He carry watermelon . I tell him all the days , don 't drink so much , " her Italian accent was so thick , but today I understood her . I had , at one time , been certified in CPR . I figured I could at least see what happened and maybe comfort the old man to whom I 'd only previously waved . We entered through the garage and I saw pieces of watermelon on the cement floor . Maria pointed towards the doorway that led to stairs . I walked ahead and Maria followed trepidatiously behind . As I approached the landing , I saw Maria 's husband . His head was up against the wall at an odd angle , his neck bent in a way that no person 's neck should be . His back stretched across the landing , his hips and legs ascending the stairs . He looked as though someone had been trying to drag him up by his feet and stopped because he was too heavy . A pool of blood was widening beneath him and I could see it coming from his ears as well as from , I suspected , the back of his head . A smashed watermelon was on the floor next to his near - lifeless body . " No . We can 't move him . We need to wait for the paramedics . " As we stood there , I could hear him breathing , or rather , gurgling . I could hear the air and who knows what else pounding in his chest and throat , even from the distance between us . We moved further away . No one should hear those sounds coming out of her husband . As we approached the street , Bob and Donna came running over . Bob , a retired emergency room trauma doctor , asked what happened as he was already running past me . " He fell down the stairs . It 's bad , Bob , " I said , using the calm voice they taught to me in the Red Cross CPR class . I was trying my best not to alarm Maria , as if that was even remotely possible . I stood in the street searching for an ambulance while Donna comforted Maria . I could hear her saying Bob would do what he could and I tried to telepathically get her to realize , without having seen Maria 's husband , that there was likely nothing anyone could do . I 'm not a doctor , but this was obviously a major brain injury . And the last time I heard breathing like that , it was from someone on the brink of death . The EMTs from a neighboring town finally showed up . They cared for Maria 's husband and loaded him into the ambulance . They sat for a long time in front of the house , the universal sign for This Is Going To End Badly . I urged Maria to give me her keys , even though she didn 't know me , so that I could clean up . It was July and it was hot and I didn 't want her or her grown children to have to deal with a mess when they eventually returned . We all exchanged phone numbers and Maria accepted a ride to the hospital with Bob and Donna . I promised Maria I 'd look out for her daughters . I went home and collected a bucket , gloves , garbage bags and rags . As I surveyed our cleaning supplies , I wondered just what does one use to clean up watermelon and blood from a garage floor ? I opted for bleach and the industrial bathroom cleaner we bought when we moved in . When I returned to Maria 's house , I was surprised to find that the EMTs cleaned up most of the area . Only a few drips and spots and one chunk of watermelon rind remained . I cleaned the area anyway because it just seemed like it should be done . I placed the garbage bags in the cans on the side of Maria 's house and lowered the garage door behind me as I left . I went home and showered . I sat back down at my computer to try to work , but instead I just stared at Maria 's house for the next thirty minutes . I have leashes and collars . There 's a bin full of toys . I have the beef scented bubbles you can blow out of a motorized bubble blowing gun . There are two sets of bowls . There 's a tray to catch his drippings . We have an airtight container to hold the food that a frisky puppy would steal out of cabinets . |
26 y . o . woman seeks rapist . I am 5 ' 4 " , 36b - 25 - 35 , 110 lbs , blonde hair , blue eyes . I am looking for a strong man to use and abuse me . I will fight you with all my might as you rip the clothes from my body and take me like the slut that I am . If you think you are strong enough to overcome me , e - mail me at forceme @ yahoot . com . He had always wanted to rape every woman he had met . Only the fear of being caught kept his passions in check . But here was a woman who was actually ASKING to be raped . Hello , Slut , he wrote . My name is Eric the terrible . I am 5 ' 9 " , 155lbs . and I am more than man enough to take you with no mercy whatsoever . Personally , I think you 're full of shit , but if you aren 't and really have the guts to go through with it , call me at ( 816 ) 546 - 1829 . I read the e - mail . Now what ? When I had posted the notice , I didn 't really think anyone would respond . Before I would want to do anything , I had to learn a little more about the guy . After all , what I wanted was to be forced and raped - not killed . Well , I had his telephone number , it was a place to start . I went on anywho . com and used the reverse directory to get his name and address and paid the extra money to see if he had a criminal record . He didn 't . I continued to search and by the time I was through , I knew where he worked , where he had went to school , his social security number , and martial status . He was divorced so I called his ex - wife . I told her that I had met him at work and he had asked me out . He seemed a little rough to me and I was wondering if she could tell me something about him before I accepted . She told me that they had parted as friends and that basically he was a nice , decent man . He needed someone who would be devoted to him , but unfortunately , she wasn 't the one . She even admitted that she was the one who had strayed and had met the man of her dreams . When that happened she hadn 't even thought twice about divorcing him . It was late Friday night when I hung up the telephone . I sat down in my easy chair and thought about it . Did I really have the guts to go through with it ? I had fanaticized about it for a long time . I wanted a man 's man who saw something he wanted and just took it . But now that the possibility was at hand , I wasn 't sure . When I awoke Saturday morning , my mind was made up . I went upstairs and took a long hot shower . Finished , I threw on a summer robe and went back downstairs . I sat down in my easy chair and picked up the phone . My fingers were trembling as I dialed the number . " Hi , " I said . I knew my voice was shaky . But I was also excited . I could feel the juices flowing between my legs . " Is this Eric the terrible ? " " Maybe a lot , " he snarled . " Maybe nothing . Send me a picture and then call me back and I 'll let you know . " He hung up . I was a little put off . Who the hell did he think he was hanging up on me like that ? And what the hell did he care what I looked like ? He was going to get his rocks off anyway , wasn 't he ? Then it dawned on me that he was being exactly what I had asked for - dominating . Obediently , I went to my computer to send the picture . I debated for a long time about which picture to send him . I finally sent him two . In one I was nude , but the lighting was such that you couldn 't really see much and the other was me standing on the beach in my bikini . I waited an hour to be sure he had time to get the pictures . While I waited , I began to think about what I was about to do . I was scared . . . I mean really scared , but I was excited at the same time . My hand slid to the wetness between my legs . I came almost immediately and it was one of the best orgasms I had ever experienced . I looked at the clock . Had it really only been fifteen minutes ? I started again . It took a little longer this time , but WOW . God was I ever excited . Finally , the big hand on the clock indicated it was time . I picked up the phone and pressed redial . I let it ring five times . I was just about ready to think that he had decided he wasn 't interested when he picked up the phone . " You 'll do , " he said harshly . " Meet me at Mike 's restaurant at 11 : 00 . Sit in the booth in the north west corner and wait for me . Don 't be late . Oh , and bring an extra set of clothes in a brown paper bag . " He hung up . It was only 9 : 00 . That gave me two hours to get ready . I took another quick shower , douched , and walked to the bedroom to get dressed . For some reason , now that the moment was almost at hand , I was extremely calm . I chose a plain black skirt with a wide belt and a thin pink blouse that would allow my bra to show through . I sat down at the vanity , fixed my hair and applied my makeup . I picked up a pair of jeans and a black long - sleeved blouse . I suspected that I might have some bruises on my arms when I returned . The blouse would hide that . I went downstairs to the kitchen and put the clothes in a brown " Piggly Wiggly " bag . It was 10 : 30 . After I locked the door , the calmness that I had felt left me . My legs were suddenly so shaky and weak that I wasn 't sure that I could even make it to the car . I arrived in front of Mike 's Restaurant at ten minutes to eleven . I sat there for a couple of minutes , steeling myself . I almost chickened out , even reinserting the key in the ignition to leave . ( Later , I would wish that I had . ) I had finished the coffee and was just about to decide he wasn 't coming when a man walked through the door . He was tall ( About 5 ' 9 " to my 5 ' 4 " ) . He had coal black hair that was neatly styled and a well trimmed short black beard . He looked like every bit the business man that I knew he was . He was wearing black jeans and a black shirt . Sticking out of the shirt pocket was a sheet of paper . He walked directly to my booth and sat down opposite me . " Hello slut , " he said softly . He smiled and he didn 't look the least bit scary . ( I would learn later that that was deceptive . ) The document scared me . I was agreeing basically to let this man do whatever he wanted , hurt me with no thought whatsoever for my feelings . On the other hand , I knew that if I didn 't sign it he would leave and that would be the end of it . I had to know more . " I will give you one little hint . Among other things , I intend to pierce your nipples . Anything else , I leave to your imagination . Now , no more questions . Either sign it or don 't . " I followed him like a meek little puppy as he led me to his car . He opened the door and held it for me . As I got in , the short skirt I was wearing rode up exposing a lot of my thighs . I saw him staring and I could feel myself getting red with embarrassment . He grinned and shut the door . I thought to myself how silly it was that I should be embarrassed since he was going to see all of me in just a short while . He got into the car and drove out of the city and into the country side on highway sixteen . A few miles down the road he turned into a long driveway that led up to a farmhouse . This surprise me since I knew that he lived in a condo in the city . " Not actually . My grandparents died and left me this place a few months ago . I expect that you 'll probably be screaming and making a lot of noise so I figured that this was a better place to give you your fantasy . " He pulled up into the front yard . " Come along , " he said getting out of the car never offering to open my door for me . I followed along behind him carrying my bag . I had a sick feeling in my stomach like I was being led to my doom . He unlocked the door and held it open for me to step inside . I walked into the darkened room a little ways . He closed the door and I heard the click as he locked it . Now we were in total darkness . I turned back the way we had came . Suddenly , I felt a fist drive hard into my stomach . I let out an " OOF " as I bent over with the pain . He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor . I managed to take most of the weight on my forearms , but my nose hit the floor hard enough that I could feel blood flowing from it . I felt the full weight of his body land on top of me . " You little cunt , " he snarled . " Now your really going to get it . " He turned me over and I could feel him tearing at my blouse . It shattered in his hands . I was paralyzed with fear . " No , please don 't , " I begged . " I 've changed my mind . I don 't want this . " Suddenly he was gone . I heard a click and the lights came on . He was standing over me and it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen . His whole face was a mask of lust and hatred . I was no longer a woman he had made a deal with , but a victim that he was going to make pay for all that his wife had put him through . I realized then that I was in real trouble . I rolled back and tried to kick him in the nuts , but he turned his body and I just got him on the outside of the thigh . It must have hurt because I saw him flinch . I started kicking with both feet as hard and fast as I could . He quickly jumped out of range . I got to my feet . Standing there with the tattered remnants of my blouse hanging around my shoulders and my bra skewed around so that one of my tits was showing . I wondered what to do next . I had had some self - defense training , but my mind was a jumble . I couldn 't think . He circled me like a giant bear stalking his prey . He jumped and tackled me around the waist . I tried to hit him as he came in but it was like hitting against a brick wall . I went down hard , the wind knocked out of me . Now he was straddling my waist with his knees leaning against my hands holding them to the floor . I struggled helplessly as he pulled at my bra trying desperately to pull it from my body . Finally , I felt the hooks in the back give way and it came loosely away from my chest . He grabbed one breast in each hand and squeezed as hard as he could . He twisted . It felt like he was going to tear them right off of me . I screamed and screamed . He flipped me onto my stomach , pulled the bra straps down from my shoulders and used my own bra to tie my hands behind me . He slid down to my calves and reached for the zipper on the back of my skirt and yanked it down . He gripped it with both hands and pulled until the button at the top popped and then the material split right down the middle . He threw it to one side and I was naked before him except for my panties and socks . I sensed rather than saw him as he removed his shirt . He jumped up , pushed my legs apart and kicked me hard right on my pussy . I screamed and doubled up in pain , writhing on the floor . By the time I had managed to calm down a little and straighten up , he had removed his pants and underwear . I looked up at him and my eyes widened in terror . His already erect cock was at least nine inches long and probably three inches around . I wasn 't very big or deep down there . This thing would never , ever fit . He fell on top of me again and made short work of ripping my panties to shreds . My last line of defense was gone . I was naked before him . He hoisted my legs over his shoulders and centered himself against me . My fear and terror had kept me dry . There would be no lubrication to ease the way . All the time he was raping me he continued to yell . My screams turned to whimpers as my body shut down against the pain and I could make out what he was saying . I had been screaming too loud before to hear . " TAKE MY COCK IN YOUR CUNT YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT . YOU ' RE NOTHING BUT A WHORE . A PIECE OF MEAT FIT ONLY TO BRING PLEASURE TO MEN . OH GOD . . . OH YESSS . . . I ' M GOING TO CUM IN YOUR SLUTTY CUNT . " He stiffened and I felt his cock twitching inside me . I knew he was pouring his scum inside me . All I could think was , " Its over . Thank God its over . " He stood up and looked down at the helpless woman before him . She was a mess . There was blood running from her nose . Tears were running down her face . Her breasts were red and bruised . He could see dark bruises forming around each of them in the perfect shape of his hand where he had gripped them trying to make her hurt as much as possible . Her pussy looked red and sore . His cum was leaking out between the bruised lips . God , he had actually done it . He had actually raped a woman with no regard whatsoever for her feelings . It had felt so good forcing himself into her unwilling body . It didn 't matter that she had asked him to do it . He was sure that she probably regretted that now . The best part was that she was his to use for another whole day . He reached down , grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to her feet . He looked deeply into her terror filled eyes . " You 're mine now , " he snarled . " By the time you get out of here . . . IF you get out of here . . . you 're going to be nothing but one mass of worthless pain . You 're nothing but a whore and a useless piece of shit . " He lost it . He stepped back in hit her hard right on her foul mouth . She went down . With her hands tied behind her there was no way to break her fall . She landed hard on her side . He sat down in and easy chair and waited for her to wake up . He lazily stroked his hard cock . His hand moved faster and faster . He was close , so close . Suddenly , he stopped . He wasn 't some sixteen year old boy that need to jack off . He had a real woman to use . When I started to come around , I immediately wanted to go into the blackness that had protected me from the pain . But there was nothing I could do . I was awake and that was that . I lay perfectly still , trying to postpone whatever else it was that he was going to do to me . I tried to access the damage so far . I had a fat lip from where he had hit me in the mouth . The muscle in my abdomen ached from having been punched in the stomach . My pussy was raw and sore and my tits . . . my poor tits felt like nothing but two big globs of pain . Still , I felt juices beginning to form between my pussy lips . Was it possible that I was getting off on this ? It was nothing like I had dreamed it would be and yet there was no denying that I was starting to become aroused . I tried to move my arms and discovered that they were tied apart . I discovered that my legs , too , were tied apart when I tried to move them . There was apparently a pillow or something similar tucked beneath my groin . I wondered idly what its purpose was and then it dawned on me . The pillow caused my butt to be raised up in the air . Oh , no . It couldn 't be . He couldn 't possibly be planning on using me back there . . . could he ? It would be to painful . I had never , ever , had anything up there other than a small enema nozzle when I was a child . I heard a noise and turned my head to the right . He was sitting in a chair watching me . His erection looked even bigger than I remembered . " Welcome back , " he said pleasantly . " I 've been waiting for you to wake up . Wouldn 't want you to be asleep when I fuck your ass . " " No , " I begged . " Please . . . not back there . I 'm so small and your so big . I 've never done anything like that . Take my pussy again instead . " I realized there was nothing I could do to stop him . I was helpless . In spite of all the pain I was in , the thought sent a shiver of pleasure throughout my entire body . He grinned . " Well , I 'd say you 're not being very cooperative . Here I offer to take your anal cherry and you don 't seem to be happy about it . I think that now you should beg me to take your asshole . " Tears were running down my face now . " Please , " I sobbed . " I made a mistake . I should never have came . Just let me go now and we 'll forget the whole thing . " When he came back my eyes went wide . He was carrying a six foot bullwhip and a paddle that must have been about three feet long and seven inches wide . It had wicked looking holes drilled at varying places along it 's length . I looked fearfully at the whip and paddle . But I couldn 't do what he asked . I couldn 't stop him . He could take me in this unnatural way , but I would never beg him to do it . He stood looking down at her . She looked so good tied down to the bed with her ass in the air that he almost said the hell with it , he would just take her . But no , he had other plans . He wanted to break her spirit . Make her his slave who would always come crawling back to him . " I 'll ask you one more time , " he barked . " Are you going to beg me to fuck you in the ass ? " She scrunched up her face , closed her eyes and shook her head . He laid down the paddle and trailed the whip out behind him on the floor . " Okay , you brought this on yourself . " He brought the whip against her upturned bottom with all his might . There was a crack as the whip met her defenseless flesh . A moment of silence while the pain registered in her brain an then the scream . The ungodly scream . She screamed so loud that he wondered if his neighbors two miles down the road could hear her . It was music to his ears . He picked up the paddle and brought it down right against the quickly forming welt on her right cheek . He repeated It on her left cheek . The bruising began almost immediately . The scream continued . " You said I could take your ass , but you didn 't beg me . Just saying I can do it isn 't good enough . " He brought the paddle down against her right thigh . Not really hard , but enough to remind her of what was in store if she didn 't do as he said . I felt him crawl on the bed between my wide spread legs . I yelled out as he grabbed my ass cheeks and pulled them apart . The stretching of the welts there was unbelievably painful . I felt his knob press against my tiny puckered hole . He wiggled it around a bit and pressed just enough to partially enter me . Actually , it felt kind of good , I thought . Then he lunged forward and I saw stars . I screamed and screamed . The pain was incredible . And then something unexpected happened . The pain lessened and it began to feel good . I couldn 't help myself . I began to grind back against him as much as I could . I moaned and I heard him laugh . " Oh no , girl , " he said . " We can 't have you enjoying yourself now can we . Rape is supposed to be painful , not enjoyable . " He gripped my ass cheeks rubbing against the welts left by the whip and paddle . There was a large amount of pain , but through it all I kept orgasming over and over again . I couldn 't stop myself . Finally , I felt him stiffen above me and I knew that he was spurting his scum into my bowels . Just the thought of it sent me into a final gut wrenching orgasm . Then he collapsed on top of me , his quickly softening cock still in my ass . When he finally caught his breath , he rolled off of me and lay on his back . There was barely room on the large bed for him as I was still tied firmly in the middle of it . When he spoke , it was softly without any hint of the anger that had filled him with so much hate . " You have no idea how much I am enjoying this . I 've never had such intense orgasms before . " I knew what he meant . It had taken a while and I had experienced a lot of pain to get there , but when I finally came it was the most earth shattering orgasm I had ever had . He continued . " I 'm tempted to let you go right now , but we still have another full day in the contract . " The contract . The damned contract . I had forgotten about it . Yes , I had enjoyed it up until now , but I wasn 't sure just how much more pain I could take and still keep my sanity . I barely heard him as he rambled on . " There 's a lot more I want to do . Things I 've always wanted to do to a woman , but was afraid to because I knew I probably would get caught . Then you came along . . . " He sat up on the edge of the bed . Well , time to get ready to sleep . He went to a dresser and came back with a bottle of lotion of some sort . He kneeled on the bed and began to rub it into badly bruised and hurting bottom . The lotion and his hands on my bottom felt good . It was gentle and very erotic . He untied me and told me to stand up . He went to the dresser and returned with a long nightgown . Now that I was untied , I thought about trying to run but knew I would never make it . I was too weak from what I had just experienced . He held out the nightgown . " Put this on , " he said quietly . I wondered about it , but didn 't argue . I lifted my arms and held it over my head . The nylon felt good as it slid over my bruised tits and sore ass . He took me to the bathroom . I hadn 't realized how badly I had to go . Somehow it was more embarrassing with him watching me than it had been when I was completely naked and being used by him . I mean , for me , defecating and urinating are very private things . He took me back to the bedroom and retied me in the bed . He was very careful to leave me enough room to move around , but not enough that I could escape . He leaned over and kissed me gently on the forehead . " Sweet dreams , " he said quietly . He turned out the lights and closed the door . Blackness engulfed me . I lay there for a long time going over and over in my mind what had just happened . In ways , it was far worse and , at the same time , much better than it had been when my uncle George raped me at the age of fourteen . My uncle kept it up and eventually I came to enjoy it . It came to an abrupt end when he was killed in an automobile accident when I had just turned eighteen . I wasn 't sorry that he was gone , but his death left a longing in my groin that I just couldn 't satisfy with my own hands . Eventually , I married a boy I had known in high school . We stayed together about two years . Then I couldn 't take it anymore , his lovemaking was gentle and he worshipped the ground I walked on , but my psyche was too badly damaged to appreciate what he was doing . I missed the violence that had always been there when my uncle fucked me . He lay in bed in the next room . He was on his back with his hands behind his head . It had been a great day . For the first time ever , he was completely satisfied . He had known for a long time that there was a streak of violence in him . Until now , he had kept it under control . Now that he had unleashed it , he wondered if he could ever bring it back into check . Oh well , tomorrow was still a day that he didn 't have to control it . She had asked him to do it . He still couldn 't quite understand that . Was she enjoying it ? He hoped so . When he awoke the next morning , he threw on a robe , used the bathroom and then went to her room . He turned on the light . She was lying on her side . . . still asleep . " Wake up , sleepyhead , " he said loudly . At first I didn 't know where I was . Then it all came back to me . I opened my eyes and looked at him . He was standing there in a bathrobe with his hands in the pockets . He didn 't look at all like the man who had used me so brutally yesterday . I stretched my back and arms as far as my bonds would let me . I yawned widely . I slowly went over in my mind all the pains that still owned my body . Everything had reduced itself to a dull ache . Even the pain in my tits wasn 't as bad as it had been last night . So he wanted to try the friendly act . Well , that was fine with me . " Oh , I don 't know . What do you have ? " He told me and I selected steak , scrambled eggs , and home fries . I wondered if he was really capable of cooking that . I had no need to worry I learned later as he had done all the cooking when he was married . He untied me and took me to the bathroom to clean up . He left me alone , but locked the door from the outside . Once alone I looked around . There were no windows . I figured that I might as well take a shower . It might help my aching muscles somewhat . I turned on the water and stripped off the nightgown . Before I stepped in the shower , I happened to glance in the mirror above the sink . Shocked , I moved closer . I looked at my face . My upper lip was puffy where he had hit me in the face . My arms were bruised and my tits were almost totally black and blue . I turned and looked over my shoulder . There was an ugly red stripe where the whip had hit and two bright red spots from the paddle . Well , I thought , at least there 's nothing that won 't go away in time . I stepped into the shower . The water felt good on my back . I turned and let the water run over my injured breasts . That , too , felt good . I picked up the soap and began to wash . I was just pulling the nightgown back over my head when I heard the click of a key in the lock . The door opened and he was standing there still in his robe . " Oh , I see that you 're done , " he said . " Give me your hands . " I instinctively held out my hands . He quickly snapped on a pair of cuffs . The chain between them was about five inches long . He grabbed me by the hair and steered me toward the kitchen . He really didn 't have to do that , I would have gone along willingly . But the fact that he forced me brought a distinct tingle between my legs . I realized that I was getting turned on by the fact that I didn 't know for sure what would happen today . He had said that he was going to pierce my nipples . That would hurt like hell , but a friend of mine had rings through hers and I always thought they looked neat . In the kitchen he steered me toward a chair and commanded me to sit . Then like a perfect gentleman , he pushed it in for me . Eating was a little bit difficult with the handcuffs in place , but I soon learned to handle it quite well . When we were done eating , he had me wash the few dishes and pans that we had used . Actually , I washed and he dried . I thought to myself that it was all quite domestic . Was it possible that I was actually starting to like this guy ? With the chores done , he tied my hands behind my back again , grabbed me by the hair and led me to the bedroom . He shut the door , locked it , and turned on the light . He turned , looked at me and grinned evilly . He jumped at her and landed on top . She let out an " OOF " as the wind was knocked from her . He loved the feel of her body with the nylon covering of her nightgown . He straddled her and ripped the gown to the waist . Her breasts had turned an ugly shade of purple from where he had abused them before . He could see the outline of his fingers where he had gripped them when he lifted her by them . I laid there in anguish . Why , oh why hadn 't I left when we were up earlier ? I might not have been able to overpower him , but I at least should have tried . I heard a noise and looked over at door . He walked through it carrying a tray with a variety of things on it . He set the tray on the night table beside the bed and cut the remainder of my nightgown away . I was now totally naked once again . He sat down on the bed beside me and gently ran his fingers over my clit . My juices started flowing almost immediately . He kept it up and I went higher and higher . He used his other hand two run to fingers deep inside me and I screamed as I was overtaken by an earth shattering orgasm . He stopped fingering my clit , but left the two fingers inside me . He sawed in and out a couple more times and then chuckled . " A little hot are we ? " I just moaned in pleasure . " Well , I guess we 'll have to see what you can do to cool you down a little . " He reached for the ice bucket that was on the tray and removed the lid . He reached in and removed what can best be described as an ice cock . It had a stick like a Popsicle ™ and the part that would normally be flavored ice was just plain ice . I knew immediately what he had planned . " No , don 't . Please don 't , " I begged him . He just remained quiet , spread the lips of my pussy and rammed the icy thing into me . It was like he had rammed a red hot poker into me . I could feel my juices icing up inside me . He sawed it in and out a couple of times and then reached over to the tray again . He pulled of a piece of duct tape that he had already prepared with a small hole in it . He slipped the stick through the hole and taped the damned thing inside me . Worse , the tape went right over the top of my clit . I knew it was going to hurt like hell when he removed it . I struggled and moaned almost continuously . The pain went away somewhat , but the whole inside of my pussy was going numb . He reached into the ice bucket again and removed a cube . He rubbed it over my left breast . It actually felt kind of good , easing the ache in my bruised flesh somewhat . I was ashamed that my nipple immediately became erect . My pussy had almost no feeling anymore but my tits didn 't seem to know that . I began to get turned on in spite of my numb cunt . The pleasure wouldn 't last long . I watched in horror as he reached over to the tray and picked up a pair of needle nose pliers . He clamped them down hard on my erect nipple . Then I screamed . Oh God how I screamed . I had never felt such agonizing pain in my entire life . He pulled the nipple away from my body and I thought he was going to rip it all the way off . From somewhere he produced a very large safety pin , it must have been from the tray , but I was in too much pain to notice . He centered the point right below the needle nose pliers and pushed it into my nipple . I continued to scream as the added pain started . I watched the point come out the other side and then I overloaded and passed out . As I returned to the world of the living , the first thing I noticed was the pain in both breasts and then I felt something warm and hard entering me . I realized suddenly that he was fucking me . The ice cock and the stick were gone and then through all the pain the pleasure began . As he continued to saw in and out of me I went up and up - higher than I had ever been before in my entire life . Then the orgasm hit and I screamed again . This time it was from a combination of both pleasure and pain . I realized then that this was what I had been born for - to bring pleasure to men and through that to myself . I felt him stiffen and I knew he was shooting his scum inside my overloaded cunt . He climbed off , loosened the ropes and collapsed into the easy chair beside the bed . I curled up into a fetal ball and waited for the pain to turn into a dull ache . As the pain eased somewhat I realized that there were safety pins through both nipples . He must have inserted the other one while I was passed out . I was somehow grateful that he hadn 't waited for me to come to so that I could feel the pain of that . As I slowly uncurled , I noticed that he had laid my change of clothes on the bed beside me and realized that it was finally over . I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to get dressed . In the end he had to help me because I was just too shaky to accomplish it myself . He became remarkably gentle . He supported me on his arm as we walked back outside to his car . As we left the lot I took one last look at what I considered to the house of pleasure and pain and hoped I would never return . He drove me back to my car , opened the door and helped me get behind the wheel . He leaned forward and kissed me gently on the forehead . " If you ever want to be raped again , give me a call . You 've got the number . , " he said softly . I slept for almost 24 hours before I finally woke up . It was two weeks before I could return to work . I left the safety pins in so that I could remember why I never wanted to return to that hellhole in the country . I came home from work today and collapsed into the easy chair in my living room . I noticed that Eric 's number was still laying on the table beside my chair . I sat and thought for a few minutes and then picked up the phone and started to dial . |
I . Mr . White had stopped smoking back in ' 85 , when the first grand girl was born . It wasn 't because of the grand girl - she lived in Kansas and would only be seen every other Christmas . Sandy had bought him a coat for Christmas that year - camel ? Had searched the city for it . Sandy wanted to be a doting daughter , she wanted him to be a loving father . She had always wanted the coat for him , but he could not figure out why . She bought the coat and he dropped the cigarette on it . It wasn 't the fault of the cigarette of course ; it was that or the glass of scotch , and the sacrifice of the cigarette seemed obvious . The Yarborough 's were having their Holiday party and their obnoxious music was only surpassed in stupidity by their sweaters , the noise of the crowd almost oppressive , but still . Sandy seemed to hear the whisper of the fabric above the cacophony of meaningless chatter as the fur sizzled and died away . She materialized before him , fixed him with his ex - wife 's doe eyes before she vanished , tears in her wake . Two years ago he picked the habit up again , as easily as he used to collect the paper . Griffin was in the hospital room just beyond the window , his body still warm but the Griffin he knew long absent . He wanted to think about other things and not the loneliness . For a moment he was again a boy , and he imagined in his mind Grace . Grace with her pigtail twists and bobby socks . Grace with her dark eyes and gray skin . Grace with her dress coat and stiff , two - dimensional dress . Grace was the sister he had seen so often , the sister he had heard about so often that she seemed a memory and not a two - dimensional figure captured forever in memory not belonging to him and in photograph . She seemed much more than the figure that he never got to meet , much more than the sister that he had been required to replace . There were so many of them . Never another girl . Now he is alone entirely ; he can share the memory of youth with no one who remembers the other side of the story . How strange it was to be the last of the old guard not faded away . He imagined he felt Griffin 's soul pass him on his way out and it scared him a bit . So he stepped into the hall and walked out . A woman squinted into the sun and did not look down at him . He watched her , though , and she felt his eyes . She let the smoke curl about her face twice more before offering him a cigarette wordlessly . He accepted with a nod of his head that she did not care to see . He smokes a pipe now , as he relaxes on the park bench . A woman sat there before he , and the bench is still warm from her . When he arrived he hobbled before her - although he did not normally do so , he was quite capable for eight - and - a - half decades - and she leapt to her feet apologetically . As Mr . White tugs the smoke into his lungs he considers her haste and its cause . He decides that he was not dishonest - her guilt is her own affair . And besides - she should probably be on her way . Ruby would be furious if she saw , but then she has been furious for awhile . That is her way . Ruby had been a good homemaker . Mr . White had never worried about a meal or pressed khakis . He never had her lipstick smudge his cheek , either . He supposed the emptiness in his bed was not so bad as an empty belly might have been . He wonders if Ruby and Sandy will ever get along . Sixty - four years had not settled their mutual animosity , but he always held out hope . Ruby would never be Sandy 's mother , but he had hoped … The tobacco burns down as he contemplates her . Sandy . His only child . His baby girl . He ponders her as he is prone to do in the silence , and it seems silent all the time now . He thought that he did right by her . He 's certain he did . What does a girl need ? Food . Shelter . Comfort . He made certain she had an abundance of each . She isn 't a girl anymore , but when she was he was gone . She doesn 't remember the nights he came home late . In her memory there is a gap where he should have been . She doesn 't remember him whispering stories to her or smoothing her hair . The shadow of Mr . White 's thoughts is matched by the shadow that falls over the bench . He draws his cardigan tighter over his shoulders , bristling at his own involuntary reaction . He glances at the man to whom the shadow belongs , but the man 's words stop his assessment . She would blame him . Why didn 't he do this thing that she said he should do ? Why did he spend so many years here in the middle of the country ? After the blame and hurt she would be afraid . She would be like a child again and he would not have the energy to raise her again . He isn 't certain he did the job right the first time , although she turned out beautifully . He should tell her that . He should tell her that she 's beautiful . The paper singes his fingertips to spite him . It taunts him with its finality and its threats . It tells him , as it will tell Sandy - no . There is no time . " In a few , " he responds to the man . The man seems to wait for his answer . Mr . White feels that the man would wait for forever , if required . Mr . White sees Sandy is his eyes , and Ruby too . Even here they are not perfect . But the words were spoken , haltingly and at the wrong time . He gave them to them in disrepair , yet they discerned his meaning . Mr . White is uncomfortable , more uncomfortable than he 's been in a long while . A warmth settles over him , and he knows that the warmth belongs to Death . It is different than he imagined . Mr . White ponders this . Did he ? Certainly he was exhausted - the business of dying is exhausting . Every night he imagined two things - Ruby discovering a paper that he did not shred , somehow reading between the lines and discerning the winding down of the time he was given . The second imagining is always death - cloaked and grave , sweeping him from his body with a well hewn scythe blade . Yet he did what he could to avoid both of those , he is sure . He kissed Ruby just this morning , and she seemed to warm to it . They are not happy - happiness left years before , but they are comfortable and at his age comfort is more than most people expect . Mr . White stands abruptly . He makes his way to the entrance of the park before turning . He can discern only Death 's shape from a distance , but he knows that Death 's unseeing eyes are focused on him . Mr . White returns to the bench . Dinner is with Sandy and Ruby . They do not speak to him . He considers telling them , but there are no words . There were never enough words . " I love you , Daddy , " she mutters . She turns away before he can answer , and his fingers feel hers long after she has gone . He wants to hold this moment and her love and take them with him . Mr . White felt brave and well - lived as he pulled Death to him , and as he began to chill he considered Death 's familiarity and comfort . How close Death had been all the while . How sweet it felt to close his own eyes , and draw himself into eternal sleep . She supposed ( at least for awhile ) that one could never have too many skirts . Good skirts could be as old friends . They were sensible and well made . They were easy to pack for long trips ; this part she assumed , as it had been a long while since she and Vern had taken any trips . Even when they did she could not remember packing skirts or anything at all . Though she must have done this , as Vern never did anything domestic . It wasn 't even Vernon 's dementia . He was cold , always . Dementia only exacerbated who he was , it did not make him a new person . But before the dementia he at least wanted . He wanted to travel . He wanted to spend time with their boys and later their men . Now Barbara had an empty house ( she could not be responsible for him , and besides , he could not remember where he was half of the time , let alone where he should be , but she visited as often as she could ) and a hundred skirts she could not wear . Barbara selected gingerly a faded , blue jean skirt . She tugged it over her ample hips , sighing heavily . She wouldn 't look in the mirror this time . It took so long to put on any foundation - forget the rouge - and somehow looking in the mirror made her face wet . The last time she considered cracking the mirror - she would have succeeded , were it not for Paul 's daughter being in the room . With the room empty save for her and her mirror it was hard for Barbara to keep the revulsion from her own face , even without looking at her hips pulling the seams . Vern had looked at her that way , too . That was the worst part . Getting rounder and lower isn 't so bad ; it 's not great , but there are worse things . He wasn 't having an affair now , of course . He did not know who he was , and he would not know to be repulsed by his wife . He had affairs when he was younger - several . One of his lovers called once . What was her name ? Barbara tried to remember , but her mind was blank . The girl called the house just as if it were a movie . Barbara remembers it that way , a low melody playing their silent dinner , the phone startling them . Barbara folding the napkin and placing it on the left side of the plate , then the right . Barbara plucking the phone from the receiver , lifting it to her ear . Barbara not having the chance to say " hello , " because the woman ( clearly much younger than even their youngest boy ) began crying . The name " Vern " laced with " love " and " leave " was cast out at Barbara like a fist ; she crumbled under the weight . Vern was there , Barbara sees now . He stood sternly , pulling the phone from her hand . He listened for a few moments before barking , " do not call me here . " He hung up without a goodbye . He stepped over Barbara and took his place at the head of the table . " After sinner - dinner we 'll have cookies . I 've forgotten the milk . " She sat at her place on the opposite end , her face burning . She was glad then that her face was dark enough to hide her embarrassment , wondering if the girl from the phone blushed . She wondered if Vern liked it . Vern offered no explanation and Barbara did not request one . Vern was not violent , but he was cruel . She thought , often , that the cruelty was worse . When Jon left , she left . The house was already cool , and the spare bedroom was much warmer . It was a sensible move . For a moment Barbara wondered if Vern would ask her back . Their vacations did not taper off . They stopped abruptly , mid - sentence . One year they went down to one of the Carolina 's - North ? And the next Vern purchased a new subscription to the local paper and a membership to the country club for each of them , but did not plan the trip . Barbara wonders now if she should have . Vern did those things and she would not have known how . It would not have been proper , and besides , what would people think ? She glanced at the clock on the wall and waited . Intuitively it rang , shrilly and metallic in the small room . She picked up the receiver and spoke , " Good morning , Jon . " She did not hate Jon 's daughter . She was just … a nuisance . A forgotten thing that , once remembered , drained and beat you . Barbara 's life was large by anyone 's standards and there was simply no room for the other girl . Barbara tried to leave the thoughts , but they followed her . There were so many spaces to be filled there , so many unaccounted for pieces in this puzzle that Barbara had created . Barbara had always hated the mother - that was still true . The mother was just so right . Always so right . And better . She didn 't say it . But it was there , in her eyes . She looked at you as if she knew you . She knew what terrible things you thought . She would tell you what she thought and no one checked her . She had freedom and she was a new woman . She told him he had done all he could . " You can 't do anything . Her mother is crazy . You 've done everything . " Barbara 's voice soothed him . Barbara 's lie sated him . But there was the nuisance . She existed out there . Barbara 's friends did not know . Family had forgotten . She told them that it was the mother - crazy . Took her all the way to Georgia . Changed her number . " Why ? " In the back of her mind Barbara considered the absurdity of this . She considered that she was finally going crazy . Vern didn 't like animals , so she didn 't even have a brave dog that they speak about in the news , one who would call the emergency services when she invariably passed out and did not awaken . Death returned . Death returned while the words , " I 'm proud of you " hung on Barbara 's lips , while they stood around and begged her to stay . She prayed the words off and she left . Sweat would bead hot on his brow ; it would skirt through the deep crevices of his leather face . The ropy veins of his once firm arms would rise and his unused muscles would burn awake , tearing through him as lightening . His eyes would water and burn , but he would not lose the light . When his knees finally buckled and his heart rapped quickly to its halt , he would tear a lasting piece from his accuser ; he would not move forward easily and without sound . Vernon did not kiss The Others . This was before the film that made Barbara uncomfortable ; he did not kiss The Others because he did not want to see their longing for more . He was comprised of pieces , and he could not offer them more than this . He did not wish to . He would not kiss them , but he would hold them after , for a brief moment . When he first began seeing The Others he would shower . He would scrub his golden brown skin until pink shone . Barbara was fascinated with the paleness of his skin , how close to White he might have been had he only avoided sun . He would consider this , her fascination , as he scrubbed the traces of Them from his body ; he removed the scent of them from everywhere but his mouth . It was vulgar , he understood . He kept that souvenir cruelly for her , Barbara . She would not kiss him , Barbara , even before . She did not like the way mouths moved against each other , she did not want that caress . She did not want his eyes to meet hers . She did not want him rooted in her soul . After , he would return home to find Barbara in the kitchen . She was always in the kitchen , fretting . She would meet him at the top of the stairs and her eyes would meet his for a moment before darting away . She would smooth down her apron self - consciously . When the boys came she would gaze at him over their heads in a way that she believed was loving . He would capture her eyes then and he would remember The Others and his breath would catch . Not guiltily , of course . He needed something and he could not remember what , and in the moment that he captured her eyes all thought of that need vanished . He would move close enough to touch her , Barbara , but he would not . She would not think it proper , and he was uncertain their bodies would still complement . He would be close enough to touch her , to ghost his fingers along her dress , but he would not . He would allow his breath to dance along her neck , and for a moment he would remember and she would remember . Barbara was poor and dark skinned and unpopular . She was cute enough , but Vernon was handsome . His skin was a light golden brown , his eyes hazel . Barbara sat at the front of the room and to the left , and when he was bored Vernon watched the way the sunlight glinted from her long , pressed hair . She was prim and shy even then , and when he finally spoke to her she would not look at him . Barbara walked home with her sisters ; Vernon drove his car . He drove slowly beside her , yelling out of the window , his friends crying with laughter . Barbara tucked her head down and did not respond to him , only pressed her mouth into a firm line . Vernon sucked his teeth at her and sped off ; in his rear view mirror he saw her wipe her cheek . Vernon heard from her cousin that Barbara 's family hated him . He bristled at this ; how could he be hated ? He was wealthy . Handsome . He had a future . Barbara was poor and homely . He was better than she . He began to watch her . She held her head at an angle because she was shy , but even then she expressed defiance . There was a fire suppressed within her , and Vernon wanted to root it out . Barbara did not keep her head down because she believed him better than she . She was uncomfortable with their eyes meeting . She did not want to want him more than he wanted her . She did not . She was studious but she was not brilliant . She was sweet and she did not want to be seen with him . He obliged her and met her in secret . When he had her she made him turn down the lights so that he could barely make her out . Her eyes captured his and held them the entire time . There was still a fire there , just below the surface . He wanted to out it . He would out it . Barbara 's uncle begged her not to marry him . Vernon was not present for the conversation , and Barbara never shared this . Rather a cousin spilled it over a cocktail and a Persian rug . " He offered her a car if she said she wouldn 't marry you . " the cousin revealed snidely . Vernon 's vision dimmed then and he swallowed past a deep lump in his throat . He wondered - he should not - how long it took Barbara to turn the uncle 's offer away . " I do love you , Vernon . " She offered her love as a plea and he accepted it without knowing why . Had she loved him ? He was certain she did , but he did not believe she was in love with him . She loved him as one loves a savior - obligatory love . A self - sacrificing love . A love that placed Vernon above and Barbara beneath . Their years were measured by a dance that both understood , but never at the same time . Vernon began searching for Others as anyone does - because he was bored . He could find Others easily . In his early forties he was still trim and desirable . Barbara desired him as she always had - silently , and in the dark . On her back she would peer up at him and she would bite her lip and he only saw her fully here , she only offered her soul , and only then in pieces , here . He was engaged in an affair with an Other when he received the call . His father was dead . The body must be identified . He must do it . It did not occur to Vernon to call Barbara . She would be home , in the kitchen . She would be devastated ; she liked his father . She would not weep , though . Her tears would move softly , and she would look to Vernon for direction . The face presented on the cold steel was indeed Vernon 's father . Vernon shared his father 's nose . It was strange to see his father there , unmoving . His father was a strong , statuesque man . He exuded life and power ; his shadow covered the world entire . Vernon crumbled into himself on the bench outside of the morgue . He felt the presence before he saw it , and when his eyes moved he only met a blur , first . " I wasn 't considering it , yet , " Vernon lied . Death nodded knowingly . Vernon ached with the knowledge that his father moved into the next easily . Why did he not fight ? Barbara responded to the news as Vernon knew she would , and he hated her for it . He wanted her to cry , to scream at him . He wanted her to mourn his father , to cry for him , to beg him to stay . Why would she not fight ? When she finally asked about The Others , Vernon was unprepared . Barbara poured his coffee as she always did , offered him two cubes of sugar . She folded her apron neatly and sat at the table across from Vernon . Jonathan was still sleeping , and the gray at Barbara 's temples was pinned back . Barbara , as always , seemed self - conscious . From the corner of his eye Vernon saw her playing with her ring . The light glinted from the silver in her hair and he thought her beautiful . He wondered if he should tell her . He had not said the words aloud before , and he wanted to , desperately , but they solidified like cement on his tongue . He swallowed his coffee without tasting it and he heard her words , whispered into her lap . " How many women have you gone to bed with since we married ? Vern ? How many ? " Startled he dropped the cup . His ears burned and he rose from the table angrily . " Shut the hell up , " he shouted . He didn 't know those were the words he would cast at her , but they were out and he did not want to reclaim them . Her eyes darted up and met his then , and he saw her fully . She was proud but still fragile ; in her eyes he saw the poor girl from the other side of the tracks . The fire that once was was dim , but it was not out . Barbara did not leave him then . Even when The Other called at dinner she did not leave . Her eyes met his again , and he saw the light again dim , but it did not fade . Barbara left quietly . She packed her things and moved to the room across the hall . A thousand times he called her back , he responded to her shouts in the dark . Their years passed slowly and without sound ; days crashed into each other , and Vernon found himself missing time . He forgot her birthday , first . Then their vacation . Then the girl . Not one of his . Jon 's . He 'd forgotten that she was supposed to be hidden . He asked about her , would have sworn that she was ten ; just the day before he 'd told Cheryl to keep her . Death came while Vernon was sleeping . He could feel the presence looming over him . When his eyes opened he saw Barbara . She gazed at him fully , her eyes dancing . He wondered . . . " Did you know that I thought you were beautiful ? " He begged . She nodded , silent . He wondered , with his leathery skin and his weakened arms what she thought of him . If she still thought him handsome . If she loved him . Terence would be angry . His anger would swallow him and everyone else . He would rage against them , beat against them , because he could not rage against her . He could not beat against her , he could not tell her not to go . Helen looked down at TJ , asleep at her chest . He had fallen asleep at Cheryl 's breast , but she took him and he slept against her just as soundly . She loved him . He looked like Terence did at his age . She loved him more for it . She wished she could see him always . She hoped from somewhere she might . As she clutched TJ to her a shadow came over her . She gazed upon it , but she did not start as others might . She knew this face . It was hers , but more beautiful . Ms . Rosie lived in the shack about a quarter of a mile down the dirt road - Helen didn 't think of it as a shack , not in those terms , but that is what it was . It was a shotgun shack , more cluttered yard than house , with more kids than anywhere else in the neighborhood . There were at least eleven at any given moment in Helen 's childhood there . Joe said there were more , he 'd seen them himself , but that they 'd taken to killing the rest , babies and kids alike . Joe said not to go over there without one of the older ones , just in case Ms . Rosie thought she 'd missed one . The summers in Eutaw were hot - not Georgia hellfire hot , Helen didn 't yet know that kind of heat . The summers in Eutaw were blistering and the kind of heat that tired you . It was the kind of heat you didn 't escape from , the kind you just melted into . There was no pool in the colored part of Eutaw . The only water outside of the bath came from the creeks . There seemed to Helen to be thousands of little creeks for exploring and fishing when Joe and the boys let her come . There was only the one lake , though . Lake Hanged Man , the one that Joe said the White boys used to throw all the colored bodies into after their rallies . Joe said it was man made so you couldn 't find the bodies , that the white boys from Birmingham , some of Bull Conner 's boys were sent here into Eutaw just to build this lake . If you went into Lake Hanged Man you would drown . There were 20 kids between Ms . Rosie and The Jones ' , and the only one that was rumored to swim was Rufus , Ms . Rosie 's oldest boy . Joe said he could swim , but Helen knew he was full of shit . She said it , too . He slapped her in the face and pushed her . He towered over her threatening to tell everyone that she still pissed in the bed and she was almost six . It wasn 't true , but she didn 't say a word . Joe and Rufus left Helen and LuBelle , Ms . Rosie 's fourth or fifth daughter , in charge . The older girls were sneaking into town while Mama and Daddy played cards with Miss Rosie and Mister ( no one could remember his name ) . Helen thought he was alright , but LuBelle said she was glad all of them stayed in one room . She wouldn 't want to be alone with him . Five times the threat , " you drown in Hanged man and they won 't find your body till it dries out and they pick out the rest of the colored bones . " It worked . They 'd all seen the picture of Emmit Till , and that wasn 't but a year ago . But it was so hot . Helen and LuBelle frowned through the dusty haze at the boys diving into the lake from the bank , spluttering and sinking , but laughing joyously . They were so hot . The bottom of the lake was squishy and cool , and Helen thought she could feel worms beneath her feet wriggling into the mud . She turned to smile at LuBelle , who beamed back . Helen took the next step And sank . Invisible hands ensnared her neck , tentacles shackled her , gripping her to the bottom of the lake . Hundreds of hanged men leered up at her , skeletal arms reaching out . She struggled , her lungs burning with muddy water . LuBelle . LuBelle was there with her , in the lake . Helen could discern her as clearly as if she were viewing her through glass . She looked smoother than she had , and Helen stopped struggling against the water . LuBelle reached for Helen and Helen gripped her icy palms . LuBelle carried Helen to the surface , cradled her firmly in her arms , and it was then that Helen realized , vaguely , that she was still holding LuBelle 's hand - a different LuBelle entirely . Her LuBelle was floating face down in the muddy water . Helen began to struggle , but LuBelle was strong . The second time she met Death was at Grandaddy 's funeral . She saw him on the front row . He saw her - he was Grandaddy and it made her smile - and he tipped his hat to her . She thought he 'd come for Jimmy before her . She didn 't tell anyone , she just assumed . She didn 't think he 'd recover from the stroke . At Yvette 's funeral she was numb . Yvette had received her letter . She had called and they had talked . Yvette had turned her life to God . Helen didn 't know what Yvette said to him . She wished she did ; part of it was being nosy . But more than that she wanted to know what other people said when they talked to God . She had . It was not fancy and she would always be poor . But she was rich in love . In the ways they said and more . She had been loved . Helen had loved , too . It had not been easy on her bones . They were sweet at first and Helen did not like the way she looked for so long … her beauty was tucked away , and yet Death made her relinquish it . Terence . Terence would disappear , the sweet light that she knew would flicker and it would out . He would sleep for many years . He would miss her with a numbing grief , a blind , desperate longing for that which would be lost . Hours later Helen found herself cradled in Death 's arms , missing them . She gazed over Death 's shoulders , her promise , " I 'll be on my way " still warming the air where she left it . Death paused and stared down at her , silently asking . Death could only bear to visit her once . She had only just learned to laugh - not giggle , the way the younger ones did , but laugh . Saliva would dribble sweetly down her face and her eyes would brighten only for her mother and she would laugh . Death did not take Lily easy . Death did not take a form for it could not bear it . Rather , Death appeared to her suddenly as both mass and void . She faced him directly , laughing , her sweet sound piercing the veil and ringing cruelly throughout the inbetween . Death swept her from her short life gently , cradling her as the baby she was . Death passed her mother , her eyes themselves voids of despair , and Death was afraid . Death would take Lily and there would be no other . Her mother would not bear it . In the dream he stood at a crack at the edge of the world . The edge of the world in his dream was dark and ragged , shredded skin and spent blood . It was cold at the edge , and the deep beyond it was certain . Behind him fingers like the digits of a sun - brittle skeleton scratched at his back , tearing at his skin . He was there at the end of the world wearing only his skin , and the beings behind him wanted even that . He stretched out his arms , desperate to reach over . He lost his balance and fell into the nothing and righted himself in bed . It was so real , the dream . He would not call it a nightmare . It was a dream that he did not think he wanted , but then he did not dream much these days . William 's sleep - when he could sleep - was haunted . He felt more than heard the comings and goings of those just beyond his reach , and his heart rate was always slightly elevated . If he happened to fall into a deep sleep his body would betray him and he would awaken , hands clawing at steel comfort . Now he glanced at the woman sprawled out unknowing next to him , wondering if he could wake her . He could , but she would be angry . Her temper was volatile , but he was accustomed to it . Now he wished he could talk about his dream . What did it mean ? He would go to Grammy . The answer came to him as though spoken aloud . He crept from the bed and made his way across the cramped house to the lone bathroom . He checked in on the boys , the youngest with his mouth ajar , drool covering his brother 's arm . He wished they were awake so he wasn 't quite so alone . His mirror was not his reflection at all . William was bone - tired , the kind of tired that hangs over the body like a pallor . He was covered in ink and his hair could use tidying . " What do you want , " his mirror asked him . William shook his head . This must be a dream . He thought he had awakened , but he was still trapped in the dream . " Are you death ? " William whispered . The mirror did not reply . In the mirror 's silence William knew that he faced Death , but he was not afraid . He couldn 't come out and ask her - she wouldn 't appreciate that . She would roll her eyes and brush him off if he didn 't warm her up first . He dragged out the lawnmower , pushing it across her tall lawn , still moving his mind over the question . He would not ask , of course . He opened his mouth to ask her through the screen , but her words - I don 't like William at my house . He steals . - clawed his skin so thoroughly that he jumped . He mumbled words of goodbye and left before she could see the tears stinging his eyes . Her eyes were tired and she could not hide her disappointment . She did not express disappointment in him , but in his choices , she would say . He wanted so badly to tell her about Death , but she would not understand . She would want him to hide from it , she would not understand why he wouldn 't hide . He would go to church with her so that she would see him enveloped in Christ . This would be a salve , he was certain . In the dark and the gloom of his absence she would hold the image to her like a portrait , something hopeful . He wasn 't sure about Asia . She was so difficult to read , she would probably laugh because she was confused . Angie would ask him if he was ready , and she would bear the weight like a warrior . Whitney would have a hole ripped in her universe . This he felt guilty about . She would lose her right lung when he was gone , and he could not think of a way to mend her . William thought of the things that he did not do , and he felt immense sadness . At the park he gripped his sons to him , told him that he loved them . He watched his youngest - so much like William - with worry in his heart . Someone would need to watch him . He would have to remember to say that . He did not tell his children goodbye - he could not . The reality never meets the expectation . Though he knew his time drew short , he was surprised . One moment he was alive , and the next moment the veil was drawn . He thought he would be alone in the end . He was not . Death brought to William the giants upon whose shoulders William stood . He lowered his head remorsefully , feeling guilt for what he did not do . Death held out Death 's arms to William , and William stood . He sloughed off his worry and his tired like a coat too small for wear . He left them behind ; they would not fit in his new world . |
It 's hard to believe our sons have been home for over a month now . Wow ! Time does go by so fast . They are both doing very well , eating heartily , putting on weight , learning new things every day . It is amazing to watch them in action . In this picture , Benjamin is on the left and Nicholas is on the right . My grandmother gave them the cute little short overalls and the red , white and blue onesies . This was the first day the boys have worn shorts and their poor little knees were red by the end of the day , especially Ben 's , since he is not quite walking yet . Close up of Nick . We believe he is pretty much right on target developmentally , although he is probably somewhat behind verbally . I think he will catch up quickly though . He is a quick learner . His newest thing is that he will go to the fridge and look at me when he wants a drink from his sippy cup . He also goes to his high chair when he wants something to eat and he knows where the snack food is kept . He will stare at that cabinet when he wants something from there . He is a very bright little boy and very active . Most people who meet him quickly come to the conclusion that he is a mama 's boy , although they have not seen him with his father . As soon as daddy comes home , Nick is in daddy 's arms . And here is a close up of Benjamin . He has come so far developmentally in the past month , it is amazing . He walks long distances now , across a couple of large rooms and around the kitchen island . He is much better at maintaining his balance , although he still falls once in a while and he still holds his hands above his head . Basically , walking is still an effort for him and he crawls when he wants to get somewhere really fast . But he is walking so much more now and it is obvious that he enjoys it and is proud of himself when he walks longer distances . He is also doing really well at self feeding now . The newest thing I have started is giving them some cheerios on their high chair tray in the morning , with their milk , while I finish preparing their oatmeal with applesauce and vitamins mixed in . The cheerios give Ben really good practice with his fine motor skills and also keeps them both happy while I finish breakfast prep . I have also started giving them a few chocolate teddy bear cookies , broken into smaller pieces , after lunch . They love them and this also gives Ben a lot of great practice with his fine motor skills . It 's really making a difference quickly . They have both become more picky about their eating . Usually , if they refuse something , it simply means they want to eat something else on their dish first and they will eventually go back to the food they refused and eat it also . Sometimes they do refuse something and just don 't care for it . I made some stew and they did not want it . Ben was eating it until he saw Nick refuse it several times and then he refused it too . I think I put too much meat into for them . Every weekday morning , they have the oatmeal with applesauce and their vitamins mixed in for breakfast and then they have yogurt with fruit for mid - morning snack . For lunch we mix it up and they have something different each day , including pasta , hot dog or another type of meat , or some type of sandwich , plus a green veggie of some sort . For mid - afternoon snack they frequently have Phili Cream Cheese on toast with some sort of fruit . Sometimes we will also share a banana before or after snack time . For dinner , they normally eat what we eat these days , which normally includes at least one veggie . I try to make sure they get a yellow and / or orange veggie in the evening , since they normally have their green veggie for lunch . But sometimes we do it the other way around , since my husband and I like to have a green veggie for dinner a lot . I try hard to make sure they get two helpings of fruit and 2 or 3 helpings of veggies a day and , so far , that is working out pretty well . I 'm sure things will probably change a bit when they learn to talk and express their wants more but I will always push the fruits , veggies and milk . Now for the sad picture of the day . This is Ben with the new shiner that he got yesterday evening . I wrote about it in the last post , so I won 't repeat it here . Poor little guy . He doesn 't seem to notice it though . Yesterday I took the boys to visit my mom and sister . My niece met us with her baby and we all went out to eat for lunch at a local place . We saw several of my mom 's friends and a couple more came by her house to meet the boys and one of my brothers also stopped in . My mom lives in a very small town and most of her friends have known my sister and I since we were very young . My mom enjoyed getting to show off her new grandsons and her great - granddaughter . We also went to my sister 's house so her two kids could see the boys , as they had not seen them since we arrived home from Russia . It was a fun day for all , although the boys did not have very long naps . They went to bed early last night and have taken longer naps today because they were so tired from yesterday . . . . but they just woke up from nap # 2 . Gotta go ! I have been thinking about this and meaning to share my thoughts so here goes . The advice of pretty much all of the adoption books I had read was to answer our children 's cries immediately , pretty much at all times , until they learn to trust us to meet their needs . I understand the reasoning behind this advice ; many ( probably most ) PI children have never gone through that cycle of learning to trust , where they cry because they have a need that is not being met and an adult answers their cry quickly , takes care of the need and soothes them back to happiness . As I have mentioned before , our two sons are sleeping very well and I am so very thankful for that . I 'm sure some people will not agree with this approach but , I did not listen to the advice of answering the cries immediately , when it came to sleeping . Here is why : I have seen so many cases where parents ( mostly parents with their first child ) could not stand to hear their baby cry so , every time their baby cried , they immediately responded . They did this at night also . OR , the parents decided that it was so sweet and nice to rock their baby to sleep at night ( and it is , we all love doing that ) that they did it every night . OR they put the baby to sleep with a pacifier or a bottle or something like that . My belief is that this type of behavior by parents leads to children who don 't sleep very well , because they don 't know how to fall asleep without the help of their parents or without the pacifier or bottle . When the child wakes up during the night , they immediately cry because they are alone and they don 't know how to go back to sleep on their own . I have seen this happen so many times and it is such a painful struggle for both parents and children to go through . Because eventually , the parents want the child to learn to go to sleep on their own , without being rocked . And eventually the parents want the child to go to sleep without the aid of the bottle or pacifier because the parents are tired of being awakened during the night and having to go back into the child 's room and put the pacifier back in the child 's mouth . I was very anxious to see how our children would do with sleeping . I had heard so many various stories about PI children and sleeping habits so I was not sure what to expect . I have more experience than my husband , in this area , so he pretty much looked to me to decide how to handle the sleeping situation . I was very careful because I know that a very caring parent can so easily ruin a child 's sleeping pattern simply by responding too quickly to a cry . Our boys have now been home for over a month , so I am having a hard time remembering how things went when we first took custody of them . I know there have been times when they have cried , when we put them into their cribs . In fact , they normally both cry for at least 2 minutes after we leave the room , which is very normal for small children , as they don 't like to be separated from their parents . I don 't think they have ever cried more than 30 minutes before falling asleep . If one of them does cry for 20 to 30 minutes , I normally go in and check him to see if he has a dirty diaper . If so , I quickly and quietly change him , I don 't talk to him a lot and I immediately put him back in his crib and leave the room . When we first took custody of the boys , I slept terribly because I was always listening for them . I am a very light sleeper anyway , most of the time , and I heard every peep they made and frequently jumped out of bed and started to move towards their room . Our room is downstairs and theirs is upstairs and I never made it that far before they would quit crying , fortunately . I think if I had gotten there too quickly , I probably would have been setting myself and my son up for a repeat situation the next night and every night afterwards . There was one night , not long after we got home with the boys , where Nicholas started crying after he had only been asleep for maybe an hour or an hour and a half . I knew by his cry that he was scared . I could just tell and I knew he had woken up and probably did not recognize his surroundings and he was scared . I had heard his scared cry before so it was easy to recognize , plus it was not a cry that he normally used during the day . It was a different , louder , more like screaming kind of cry . I immediately rushed to his room and picked him up . I held him , standing next to his bed , in the semi - dark room , for just a few minutes , whispering in his ear softly . Then I handed him his little stuffed animal that he loves and put him back in his crib and I didn 't hear another peep from him . He woke up crying a couple of other times though , when it was clearly not time to get up , and I could tell by his cry that he was not scared . He just woke up and was trying to get back to sleep . In these cases , I did not go into him right away . I let him cry for a while , watching my watch and listening closely to the tone of his cry . He went back to sleep within 15 to 20 minutes . He did this 2 or 3 times and then he quit doing it . On the other hand , I have been very careful about making sure I answer the cries of my children during the day . As a mom of two toddlers , there are times when I just can 't physically do it . For example , there have been times when Benjamin wanted me to hold him when I was trying to fix them something to eat . He would get very frustrated with me because I would have to put him down to do certain things . He seems to have gotten past that for the most part . I do give the a lot of attention though and am frequently sitting in a rocking chair nearby when they are playing , so they frequently come to me and want to sit in my lap and rock for a few minutes and then it 's back to playing again . I also respond immediately to any injuries and I hold them and talk softly to them and they respond well to this and look for me when they hurt themselves . I am careful though not to make a big deal over a bump that obviously did not hurt them much . Speaking of injuries , our little Benjamin has a black eye . Last night he was standing next to this round end table , which is between two chairs in our living room . He is just tall enough that he can just see over this table ; I think it comes to probably just below his nose when he is standing next to it . I did not see it happen but he either bent over or fell and hit his cheek bone just next to his eye on the edge of the table . It actually cut him on this cheek and immediately started swelling . Poor little guy . I felt so badly about it and I felt even worse that I was in the middle of changing Nick 's dirty diaper and could not go to him immediately . His daddy went to him immediately but babies need their mommies when they are hurt like that : ) . Nothing against daddies ; they are very important in a child 's life . But mommies tend to softly speak sweet , caring , understanding words in babies ear , while holding him close and it helps them to feel better . I quickly finished the diaper changing and went to wash my hands and my husband even said that he could tell that Ben was watching me as I went to wash my hands because he wanted me . I took him and held him close as soon as I could and I think he got over it faster than I did . He was ready to go play , while I was still feeling terrible about it . He woke up with a black eye this morning . Bummer , huh ? Things here have been fairly uneventful since my last post . We had another visit from my sister and mom . The boys are getting to know them and enjoy their visits . My sister always comes prepared to cook a yummy meal . This time was a special visit because it was my birthday and my mom 's birthday is the day after mine , so we were celebrating both birthdays . My sister made her wonderful lasagna for us and we all enjoyed it tremendously . She also made an extra for me to put in the freezer for later , which was so nice and thoughtful of her . She brought cupcakes that she had made and my mom brought us a small cake so we had some good treats today . I was also able to get out and do a little yard work , during naps on Friday and Saturday . It was quite a treat for me . I really enjoy doing yard work ; I find it relaxing and rewarding , even if it does require hard work at times . I am anxiously awaiting April to see how the many many azaleas that I planted last year turn out . It took a lot of hard work so I will be very disappointed if they are not blooming beautifully this year . I will include pics when the time comes . We took the boys to church again yesterday . My husband stayed with them the first hour , while I went to our Bible study class . We left them the second hour and went to the church service and they did fine . When we returned , they were each being rocked ; Nicholas looked like he was asleep and Benjamin was well on his way . They were happy to see us though . We took them to one of our favorite restaurants to eat and they did really well . That was only the second time they have been out to eat , since they have been home . Today they will be going to the grocery store for the first time . First 's are always fun . Ok , this is something with which I am really struggling . I am a fairly neat person . I try to make sure that everything has a place and everything is in it 's place most of the time so it is really easy to keep things relatively neat . I do go through messy phases but they normally don 't last for more than a few days . After that , I can 't stand it anymore so I clean up again . My husband is also a fairly neat person , at least in the places I care about . Then there come the toddlers . This is where I struggle . My husband and I had figured out a system between us that worked for both of us most of the time . My real issue with the messiness is having to constantly clean and re - clean messes . Now that we have the boys , messy has a whole new meaning . Somebody help me ! The biggest issue I have is when they eat . If they could feed themselves , I think I would just look the other way and let them go at it . If I didn 't see it , maybe it wouldn 't bother me so much . But I have to feed them a lot of the stuff they eat , or at least help them . What I need to know is , what is reasonable to expect from boys this age . Nicholas is now 15 months old and Benjamin is 16 . 5 months old . Neither can eat with utensils , although they are interested in trying . Nick can feed himself finger foods . Ben makes a good effort and we help out . We already have a rule that you do not throw food , cups and utensils on the floor . They know this , although they will occasionally do it to test if the rule still applies . I think this is reasonable and , based on their response , I know they are totally capable of this . Yes , there are many times when things accidentally ends up on the floor and that 's OK . . . . or I don 't see how something ended up on the floor so I assume a positive intention . We try hard to look at the intention and attitudes and we know that accidents will happen , no big deal . So , other than not throwing things on the floor , what can you expect from children of this age ? Do you or should you let them play with / in their food ? Do you give them utensils and let them drop food all over the floor ? I suppose you have to do this in order for them to learn to eat with a utensil . Sometimes I load the spoon for them and then they might pick up the spoon and start waving it around . Yuck ! Do you let them play with their sippy cup , banging it on the highchair tray , even if it means that milk is being sprayed all over the floor ? Do you try to teach them not to put their hands in their hair when they are eating ? What else ? I really need some help with this . I struggle with it at every meal . My husband is so laid back about all of this . He doesn 't mind the messes , although he also does not have to spend nearly as much time cleaning them up . I do wish I could be more laid back about this though . I am trying but it is not easy for me . In the rest of the house , it really has not been an issue yet . I have figured out ways to handle it where it does not get too bad , it is very quick to clean up toys and it does not bother me . It is really just the eating thing that gets to me , for now anyway . I am definitely much more easy going about messiness than I used to be , so I am improving . I think I still have some improvement to do during their meal times though . Otherwise , my children will never learn how to use utensils and I will be feeding them until they leave home : ) . It is at least 70 degrees out today and we have a clear blue sky . I just couldn 't stand NOT being outside today , if you know what I mean . I think the boys have felt the same way because they kept pointing outside yesterday ( it was very pretty yesterday also ) . So today , we went out between naps and this has been much much better . I still get to have my two breaks , which gives me time to do some housework , rest up and prepare meals . But we also got to go out for a little while and there was still enough time for them to play for a little while when we got home before nap # 2 . This is definitely the way to do it . We are going to have a fun summer ! ! We went for a walk along the river and we stopped for a cup of ice cream . When Nicholas first tried the ice cream ( chocolate ) , he pulled back as soon as it touched his tongue . They are still not used cold stuff . He tried it again and the chocolate won him over . I didn 't bring the diaper bag because I knew it was going to be a quick trip . So I ended up having only dry napkins to wipe their faces after the ice cream . Don 't they take great pictures ? ? Nick is on the right and Ben on the left . Not sure why Ben was looking so unhappy and Nick looked kind of scared or worried because they enjoyed the ice cream once they got used to the coldness . Funny picture . Yesterday I took the boys to visit the ladies in my Bible study . I will not be attending for quite a while but I really enjoyed it when I was going . These ladies are such wonderful people and they prayed for us so much while we were traveling and also while we were waiting through the adoption process . They really enjoyed meeting the boys and the boys had a good time being the center of attention . After that , I took the boys to Target for some quick shopping . This was their very first trip to a store and they were wide eyed , taking it all in . Target has these wonderful carts that can hold two children , which was wonderful . The difficult thing is getting the boys into the store to begin with , especially if they have recently taken all of the carts into the store . I had to drive around until I found some carts outside and then I parked next to them . I put the boys in one of these carts and took them inside , where I noticed the nice carts for two children , so we switched carts . Target has a million ( very cute ) sandals for little girls , which is wonderful . I think they had maybe three pairs to choose from for little boys . What 's up with this ? ? ? This is crazy . They both fell asleep on the way home , so I stopped by Sonic : ) and got something to eat , while they slept . I drove around a while , so they could get in a partial nap . I drove over to the super Walmart to see if they also had carts that could hold two children . I saw some in the parking lot but I like the Target carts better . I think the plastic carts are nicer than the metal ones . I went through the drive through at Braums , thinking I would treat myself to a small ice cream cone but , wouldn 't you know it , the boys woke up just when I was ordering . I told the poor lady at the drive through never mind my order and took the boys home . They were both staring at me wide eyed though , when I looked back at them , after talking to the lady over the intercom . They were probably thinking , what is our crazy mom doing now ? ? ! It seems that anytime I take the boys out for something ( usually a doctors appointment but yesterday the visit and shopping ) , I end up feeling very exhausted by the end of the day . I think this is because , so far , every time we have made these outings , it is during morning nap time , which means I don 't get much of a break for the day . Of course , I 'm still getting used to being a mom of two toddlers also , so that 's probably some of it . But I seem to enjoy the days where we get to stay home , relax , the boys take two good naps , and I have two good breaks . This is a bit of a surprise to me . I guess I thought I would be taking them places and doing lots of things with them but maybe they are still a bit young for that . Once they are both walking well I a sure it will be easier . Posted by Here is Nicholas , holding my sneaker . It 's only size 7 . 5 but it looks huge next to him ! He really likes shoe strings or anything soft to hold while he is sucking his thumb . He didn 't do this for very long though . I 'm sure the shoe was a bit heavy for him . Do you like the socks and sandals : ) ? This is my solution to cold feet on our wood floors . They slip and fall too easily with just socks , even with the little grippers on the bottom . Their feet get too hot in their winter shoes and their summer sneakers don 't fit yet . I may have to buy a smaller pair of sneakers for Ben . When I got the sandals , I realized that his feet are quite a bit smaller than Nick 's . Here is Ben , feeding himself a cracker . This was a big step for us . He is still not able to use his pincer grasp very well , although he does better with his left hand than his right , or so it seems . He is making an effort to feed himself at times though and we are happy to see this . One of my favorite pics of Ben , learning to walk . He is really doing well with it . This is the way he walks , hands up in the air and a huge grin on his face . Very cute . This is the same day Nick was sleeping on the couch and Ben was playing in the living room , wishing Nick would wake up . I thought this was too funny . He will sometimes lift one foot off the floor , so he can lean into the toy basket further . He actually fell in head first once and it was hysterical ( he was not hurt ) . My mom and sister were here to see that and we all had a good chuckle . Yes , today is our anniversary . My husband and I were married 2 years ago today and it was a very special day and a beautiful wedding . We have had a busy two years : we moved from Texas to Oklahoma , my husband changed jobs , I quit my job to be a stay at home wife and mother , we sold a house and bought a new house and , of course , we adopted our two little sons . It has been a wonderful two years and I would not change a thing . We are very blessed indeed . The boys are both doing wonderfully . I have a few pics I have taken and wanted to put them up today but I have not had time to upload them . Maybe tomorrow . I am very impressed with how well they are adjusting , so far . So far , our biggest issues seem to be fairly common to all children , such as they take toys from each other and sometimes hit each other . They are also nice to each other quite often though and sometimes I can tell they end up hitting because they know it is not allowed and they do it to get attention . It is amazing how quickly they will move to doing something negative , just to get some kind of attention , especially when they really do get our attention most of the time . There is very little time that they are just playing on their own while we are busy doing something else . And , when I am here during the day with them on my own , forget talking on the phone when they are awake . I don 't do it often anyway but the few calls I have taken during these times leave me promising myself that I will let the answering machine take the calls in the future , when the boys are awake . Really though , other than that , they seem to be doing great . They get impatient and whiny if they do not get their food quickly when they are really hungry , such as first thing in the morning . I remember taking care of my niece when she was around 6 or 7 months old and she was kind of like that too though . So , this seems pretty normal at this point . They have gotten to where they will push away their food or drink when they are full , which is great . Benjamin is still working on trying to feed himself , although his pincer grip must improve some before he will be very good at it . Today , he fed himself a cracker though . I took a picture of it and will post it with other pics later . He will also pull his sippy cup up for a drink , although he will only use one hand , so he needs some help if the cup is not full . We have tried to get him to use both hands but he does not seem to be interested in doing this yet . I noticed that he does the same thing , when trying to pick up a ball . He never uses both hands , although I have seen him use both hands to play with a toy . So Ben is still working on catching up developmentally and he still has a ways to go . His walking continues to improve and he can take 8 to 10 steps on his own and can turn a little better on his own also . He is trying to walk between pieces of furniture and other objects , on his own , more and more . So it probably won 't be very long before he will be walking all over the house . He is a bit more quiet than Nick , although he goes through periods of time where he is chattering a lot . If he is trying to say actual words , I have not heard any that I recognize yet , other than mama and dada . Nick seems to be pretty much on target developmentally . His vocabulary increases a bit each day . His newest words are banana and tractor . He chatters a lot and will frequently try to repeat words , when we are trying to get him to say a word . I can 't think of much else to report about how they are doing . They are still sleeping really well . I think we could almost set our clocks by their sleep schedule . We have adjusted their schedule a bit . Now they are going to bed at 8 : 00pm most nights and then they wake up around 7 : 30am . They go down for nap at 9 : 30 but are still sleeping until noon . I had been putting them down around 10 : 00 but they kept sleeping to 12 : 30 , so I adjusted their schedule a bit . They take their second nap around 3 : 30 . It is 5 : 30 now and they are still asleep but I think they will probably wake up any minute . I am very very very thankful about how they sleep . This is such an answer to prayer and I know most new parents don 't have it this easy . . . and I 'm sure it probably won 't always be this easy for us . I don 't do very well without sleep though , so I am very thankful about how well they are sleeping now . When we put them down , we hardly ever go back into their room . The longest one of them ( Ben - he always has a harder time falling asleep than Nick ) has ever cried before falling asleep is 30 minutes . One or the other has occasionally awakened before the expected wake - up time , but not very often . Yesterday , Ben had a tough time getting a good nap because of untimely poops . After changing him , I put him back down and he did go back to sleep for a little while but still ended up waking up before his nap time was over . So , once in a while that happens but , for the most part , they are good sleepers . Nick usually just needs to have something soft to hold on to with one hand and his thumb in his mouth with the other and he is all set . He might cry for a few seconds but he is usually quiet before we get back downstairs . For Ben , it really depends on how tired he is . Worst case scenario is that he might cry for 20 or 30 minutes , although 10 to 15 is more normal for him . He is a really good sleeper though , once he is out . So if he wakes up before nap time is over , it is usually because he had an untimely poop . Nick is also a good sleeper , once he is out , although he tends to cry out some here and there . When he was sick and he napped on the couch in the living room one day recently , I got to see this in action . I think what happens is that , once his really deep sleep is over , he tends to half wake once in a while , to turn over or reposition , and he realizes his thumb is no longer in his mouth , so he cries out and puts his thumb back in his mouth but he never really wakes up . I have heard him wake up once in a great while but he is normally back to sleep before I even have enough time to go upstairs to check on him . There has been one or two times that I could tell by his cry that he was scared , maybe had a bad dream or something , and was not going to go back to sleep without a little help . I went into his room , spoke softly to him , handed him back his soft blanket and he put his thumb back in his mouth , laid back down and So , things are going very well overall . We are adjusting and figuring out how to get our needs met , while also meeting the needs of our sons . We still have a lot to learn but we are learning a lot as we go . Ah , the boys are waking ; it 's 5 : 40 so they are pretty much right on time . Must go get my little guys . We made it to church today , all four of us . This was the first time the boys and I have been since we returned from Russia . It was so nice to be back in church and it was great to see everyone and introduce our sons to so many people who had prayed for us . We took the boys to their classroom and met the folks who take care of the children in their room . I stayed with them , while my husband went to our Bible study class . They both got down to play fairly quickly . I was sitting on the floor with them for a while . I still thought they would stay pretty close by but they got busy playing and were not too concerned about me . Around the middle of the hour , I gave them each a snack and changed diapers and then they were off playing again . Towards the end of the hour , Nick came to me several times to be held and rocked . He was getting tired . He is still recovering from his bout with pneumonia so he still tires a bit easier than normal . My husband came back , after our Bible study class was over . We had planned to take them to the " crying " room , as there is a TV in there where parents can still watch and listen to the sermon . However , the boys were doing so well , we decided to go ahead and go to the church service and leave them in their room . They have pagers so we took one , just in case . I 'm not sure I would have left them otherwise . We never received a page , which was great . It was wonderful to be back in service and it was especially nice to be at church with our kids . Afterwards , we went back to their room to get them . As soon as Nick saw me , his little face puckered up and he started to cry . It was kind of funny because they said he had been fine and had played the entire hour we were gone and that was the first time he had cried . Ben was being rocked by one of the caregivers . Both boys were so tired that they crashed as soon as they were in the car . We picked up some carry - out food on our way home and fed them as soon as we got home and then put them down for naps . One week down , a million left to go : ) . This was our first full week of me staying home by myself with the boys and my husband going to work . We had a pretty good week , considering everything that we had going on . I am very glad that it is Friday though . The boys had good naps today , I was able to get a great night of sleep last night , and Nicholas was definitely feeling much much better today . So , all of the stars were aligned ! I have been able to spend a ton of time with them this week . I am trying very hard to do the house work when they are sleeping or just let it go . I never use the computer , watch TV or read while they are awake . They do not watch any television . I engage with them , either watching them play and commenting on what they are doing or showing me , reading to them , giving lots of hugs and kisses and rocking and playing with them , playing children 's music and singing to them , etc . We have had a lot of fun . First of all , today we took Benjamin to the pediatric cardiologist and found out that he is basically perfectly fine . This was a huge relief and an answer to prayer , since the radiologist who read Ben 's XRay told us that his aorta went down the opposite side of his chest than normal , which made us question whether there would be other issues . Today we found out this is not the case ; his aorta is perfectly normal , which is great . He does have a small " hole " in his heart . There is another name for this but I can 't remember what it is . Anyway , pretty much everyone is born with this hole but it normally heals over on it 's own . They said Ben 's may still heal over but , even if it doesn 't , he will be fine with it and won 't need to have any type of surgery to have it fixed . It is very small and there are lots of people with this who live perfectly normal lives . This was such great news and another wonderful answer to our prayers . Nicholas is feeling a little better this evening but I am hoping we 'll see an even bigger difference tomorrow . His fever is now almost gone but he is still very clingy and whiny , so I know he is still not feeling like himself . We left the doctor 's office today around 10 : 30 and they usually nap from 10 : 00 to noon . They both fell asleep in the car within about 10 minutes so I drove around for for 2 hours so they would have a good nap and still be on their schedule . I knew if I took them home right away , they would both wake up and would not go back to sleep and then I would have to little cracky - pants all day . So , I drove around and looked at the new houses being built . Ben started waking up around 12 : 30 so I headed home and brought them both inside . Ben was in a great mood and started playing right away . Nick was crying , as I took off his snowsuit , and he quickly fell asleep in my arms , while I was rocking him . I put him on the couch , where he could not fall off , and he slept there until around 3 : 30 . I couldn 't believe it . So , Nick woke up 30 minutes before Ben went down for his second nap . So , the gist of this is that they ended up on separate nap schedules and I did not have one moment of downtime the entire day . . . . plus I have not slept well two nights in a row because I have been listening for Nick , since he is sick . Today was a very , very long day for me . I am so happy that we do not have to go anywhere tomorrow and the boys can get back on their normal schedule ( and so can I ) . The interesting thing that I saw today was each child missed the other one , when they were on separate sleep schedules . Ben kept wanting to wake up Nick and I could tell he missed him and I could tell Nick missed Ben also when Ben was napping . For me , it was a great confirmation that we did the right thing by adopting two boys together . When they were both awake this evening , I could tell they were happy to be playing together again . Most of the time they play more next to each other , rather than really with each other . They do frequently play with the same toy . Sometimes this goes OK but other times they kind of bicker at each other , trying to take toys away from each other . There have been a couple of times though that I truly have seen them play together and it really surprised me . Just a couple of days ago they were hitting a ball , making it roll back and forth between them . They were having a really fun time together and laughing . Another time was in our hotel in Moscow , when they were crawling down this little hallway , following each other and laughing . It is cute to see them play together . We are very blessed . . . . and I am very tired . I 've been working on this post for several days now . Unfortunately , I have not had a lot of time to work on it so it has been coming along pretty slowly . Better late than never though , right ? Yesterday my mom and sister came for a visit . They live about an hour and a half from where we live , so I really appreciate that they make the time to come and visit me and the boys . It was really nice to see them again and the boys enjoyed their visit . Benjamin especially enjoyed them . Nicholas has not been feeling well and was a bit clingy / whiny and has been for about the last two or three days . Yesterday evening , he ended up with a fever of just over 103 . Dr . Dad got out all of his doctor equipment and started listening to his lungs and looking in his ears , etc . Nick 's pulse was high and his respriations per minute were also pretty high , although his lungs sounded fine . We gave him some baby Motrin and put him to bed and then my husband also went back to his office to get this small , portable device that measures the oxygen level in the blood ( that thing with the red light that they frequently put on a person 's finger when they are in the hospital ) . We woke him up while checking his oxygen level because we wanted to rule out a serious case of pneumonia . His oxygen level was great so we went to bed . Nick seemed to sleep pretty well , although he woke up at 7 : 00am , which was about an hour earlier than normal and he still had a fever . Ben slept until 8 : 30am and Nick went back to sleep while I was rocking him , after he had eaten a little oatmeal and drank some milk . I let them both sleep as long as they would because my husband had made an appointment for Nick at 10 : 15 . I took them both in to the clinic where my husband works and they ordered a chest XRay and checked him for a bladder infection , since he didn 't have any obvious signs of what was causing the 103 . 3 fever . Turns out that his chest XRay indicated that he was just getting started with a bout of pneumonia . We already had the appropriate antibiotic , as we had gotten it for our trip to bring the boys home , just in case . So I brought both boys home , gave them lunch ( Ben ate lunch ; Nick didn 't feel like having any lunch at all ) , gave Nick a dose of the antibiotic and put them both down for a nap around 1 : 00 . Ben woke up just before 4 : 00 ; I think Nick probably would have slept longer but , when he saw me , he was up and probably realized how miserable he felt . His Motrin had worn off and he was chilling and shivering . I felt so bad for him . I So , you can see why I have had a hard time finishing this post . Now for the lighter fare , pictures ! Here is a picture of Benjamin walking , with hands held high above his head and a big grin on his face . This is pretty much how he looks every time he tries to walk on his own . He is very excited with his progress , as are we . Nicholas - was sitting against the window , playing with a toy for 10 or 15 minutes , until I started taking pictures . He was starting to move toward me in this shot and was very interested in seeing the camera . I made the mistake of showing them their pictures , after taking shots one day , so now that are overly interested in the camera and I have to sneak around with it . Benjamin walked from where I was on the couch to the window / door and then started touching his brother and , at times , trying to hit him . Some normal fun time at our house : ) . Luckily they don 't hit very hard yet , although we are still working on teaching them not to hit others . Yesterday evening , my husband and I were both in the living room , playing with the boys . Benjamin decided to start working on his walking again . I was sitting on the couch and he was standing next to me , holding on . All of a sudden , he put both of his hands above his head and took off walking across the living room , with a huge grin on his face ( I really must try to capture a picture of him doing this ) . My husband and I were both surprised because it was really the first time that he attempted to walk more than 2 or 3 steps without help . He can now take 7 or 8 steps on his own , although he normally ends up picking up speed along the way , which causes him to fall . It is very funny to watch him though because he always puts both arms straight up . I think he figured out that this helps him maintain his balance a little better . He is so happy with his progress , every time he attempts to walk . It is really cute to see him learning to walk and I am happy we have been able to see this , since we have missed out on so many other firsts . He has also started using his pincer grasp at times and is feeding himself more and more . It is absolutely amazing how far he has come in just a month or less of being with us . This morning , my husband and I were talking about things now , as I was sharing with him my thoughts that I posted about yesterday . I was saying how their play time is so very important to them and it is so obvious by just looking at how far Ben has come in his development in just a few weeks . It really never occurred to me before , that play time for children is so important to their development . I guess that just tells how little I understood about child development . There really is so much to learn . For now , we will just hang out a lot and let them play as much as they want . When they are playing , I normally sit in a nearby chair or on the floor with them . I am usually either trying to play with them , teaching them little things here and there , or just watching and commenting when they show me something or bring something over for me to examine . And then they will come over to be picked up and loved on every once in a while also . It is a special time for us and I think it is invaluable . For so long , they were separated by the adults in their life by barriers . They were either in a crib or a play pen . They spent their time with other children their age , learning what they could and doing what they could to get by in that environment . They had very interaction with adults . So now , they really need as much of it as they can get , along with their play time , and they just eat it up . They love to be with us . If I am doing something in the kitchen , they will normally drag toys into the kitchen to be near me . So I normally try to put kitchen work on hold until they are napping and I spend my time with them when they are awake . Being a parent is a wonderful blessing . Being a mom is a beautiful thing . I really do love it and I love them so much more every day . Time to go get them up from nap . Some parents say it is immediate and they felt totally in love with their child as soon as they saw him / her . Some say it took a month or more or less . I always found these stories very interesting and I wondered what it would be like for me . I prayed that God would help me to love them right away , because I knew , from what I had read , that it is harder when you don 't feel it right away and , gee whiz , who wouldn 't want to feel that love for their child right away . So , my experience is this . I do love them and I have since we met them but I know it is not the same love I will feel for them a year from now . I can already tell that , as each day goes by , I love them a little bit more and they move just a little deeper into my heart . For me , I think it is similar to marrying my husband . I know I love him more today than I did the day we got married and I know I will love him more 10 years from now than I do today . Those day - in , day - out experiences together help us to grow closer each day . Our experiences together help us to have more fond memories together , as each year goes by . Another interesting thing I am going through is kind of trying to find who I am now . That may sound a bit strange and I have not quite put my finger on it yet but I know I feel different about who I am now . Yesterday I went to the grocery store by myself . It is the first time I have been away from our children since we picked them up from the orphanage . I had such mixed feelings about it ; it was really odd . I am still trying to sort through it . On the one hand , I felt like I needed a break , as much from being locked up inside of the house as being with the children or even with " people " . I had not been alone , truly alone , for almost a month and I am an introvert , so I need to be alone sometimes . On the other hand , I was worried the boys would wonder where I was or cry for me or something and I was anxious to get back to them . It was a strange feeling . As I said , I am an introvert . When I take the personality tests , I always score on the borderline between introvert and extrovert but I always land on the introvert side of the borderline . I have heard that the best way to tell if you are an introvert or an extrovert is by looking at what you need to recharge . If you need alone time to recharge and re - energize , then you are an introvert . If being around other people gets you recharged and re - energized , then you are an extrovert . I am definitely an introvert and so is my husband . I had thought that being a stay at home mom might be a little easier for an introvert , since I can sometimes be quite the hermit / homebody . I am not sure if this is true or not but I am not too bothered by being shut up in the house for long periods of time , especially when it is really cold outside . When spring arrives , I will want to be outside much more and hopefully our sons will be at an age that will make it easy enough to be doable for me and also very fun for us all . I want to spend a lot of time outside with them . So , to sum up , I am kind of trying to figure out who I am these days and how happy I am going to be in my new role as stay - at - home - mom . I think I will end up being very happy in this new role ; actually , I am pretty confident about this . But I think it might take me a while before I feel that way completely . Don 't get me wrong . I am very happy and thankful to have our boys home at last and I already can 't imagine my life without them . I do sometimes miss watching TV and going to the movies a little though , even though I can watch TV while they nap or at night and we can still rent movies . I think this cold , and the sinus infection I had before the cold , have had an impact on my viewpoint though , because it has kept me in a low - energy state , which I really dislike . It is no fun to feel tired all of the time . Things here continue to go well . I survived my first two days of staying home alone with the boys when my husband went back to work on Thursday and Friday . Thursday I took them to the clinic where my husband works to have their TB test results read and everything came back normal . All of their blood tests came back normal , which was all great news . We are still waiting to hear back about Ben 's chest XRay , as to whether or not he still has the hole in his heart . Hopefully we will hear something next week . Today was our last day to receive the wonderful gift of dinners every other night for two weeks . Our Sunday school Bible study class has been delivering dinners for us and the meals have absolutely been wonderful . I told my husband today that the thought of them stopping just makes me want to cry : ) . He said " we definitely have to get the recipes " . I agree ; all of the meals we received have been so tasty and they have brought salads and desserts and bread and gifts for the boys too . We sure do have a very generous and thoughtful class . I have yet to attempt to go to the grocery store with the boys . My husband has been doing the shopping so far , thankfully . It is harder than I imagined it would be , to take them both out and the bad thing is that the shopping basket at the grocery store where we normally shop only has a place for one child to sit . They don 't have any of the baskets where two children can sit . Also , it has been so cold outside and I have had this cold , so I really did not want to get out with them if I didn 't have to . Once I get over this cold and it gets a little warmer out , I will tackle this and become efficient at it , or die trying . I refuse to be confined to my house for the next 2 years . The boys are still sleeping very well and so are we , thankfully . Benjamin is so very close to walking and he gets so excited about trying , it is really cute . We cheer him on and he just loves it . He can now walk 3 or 4 steps on his own so he should be walking very soon . He is also starting to feed himself here and there . We are not trying to get him to do it anymore and it seems the more we don 't care , the more he tries . He is also starting to get the pincer grip , so he is really coming along quickly developmentally , even though he still has some catching up to do . I was re - reading some of the attachment disorder information last night and it kind of hit me how many things on this list that " normal , biological children " also do . For example , " aggression towards others " ; what toddler have you ever known that did not , at times , show some aggression towards others . Since we have been having these wonderful meals delivered , we have also been able to discuss toddler behavior with many parents who have toddlers . They all say that their toddlers show aggression at times , even to the point of trying to hit their parents , if the toddler did not like something the parent might have done . A couple of other examples are " controlling , demanding and clingy " ; I think it is probably normal for toddlers to be controlling and demanding and clingy at times and I have had this confirmed by other parents of toddlers . " Normal , biological " toddlers also throw temper tantrums , have major mood swings are frequently defiant and oppositional . I guess where this is coming from is this : I really don 't like being in this mode of having to look for all of these " abnormal " behaviors and always wondering " is that normal toddler behavior or a result of PI adoption " . I also know that it is not unusual for behaviors to get blamed on adoption when they are not necessarily adoption related . My frustration is not knowing . It would be nice , once again , if someone could just give us a little manual and tell us what is adoption related behavior and what is just normal toddler behavior . I guess my " book " , in this case , is prayer and total dependence on God . I need to pray and listen and have faith . The good news is that , currently , all of the behaviors we have seen are behaviors that normal biological toddlers also have . The bad news is that it is really too early to know for sure and we have to be " on alert " , for at least a year or year and a half probably . Sooner Start did come out and talked to us about the services they offer . They will be coming out to evaluate the boys at the beginning of March . They will come out two days in a row , so they can evaluate each child separately , which is good . I am glad they are waiting a month before they come . It will be interesting to see how much the children change in that month , how much they catch up , any new behaviors , etc . We will take it day - by - day , meet each challenge and enjoy each change . Today was doctor day . The boys did great through the exam but then we went upstairs for the blood draw , which was not too bad really . The stick hurt but only for a few seconds and then it was just anger / frustration at being held down . They got them both on the first stick , which was wonderful ( they have a really hard time getting my blood and frequently have to stick me several times and then end up taking it from my hand ) . Benjamin went first and I held him while they took his blood . My husband was out in the waiting room with Nicholas because we didn 't want him to see what was going on . They had a TV on out there so he was very interested in that . Other than part of the super bowl , the kids have not seen any TV since they have been home . We do lots of music though . Then we traded kids and I held Nicholas while they took his blood . While we were doing this , my husband was with Benjamin , getting a chest xray . He has a hole in his heart that has probably about a 90 % chance of healing on it 's own but we have to have it checked out to see if it has healed yet or not . I 'm not sure how long they wait for it to heal before they decide they need to fix it but we 'll find that out . After the blood draw , we went to another office for their immunizations and TB tests . They each got three shots in their legs and also the shot for the TB test . We have to go back in about a month for another three shots for Nick and one for Ben . After that , I think we go back 6 months later for another round . By the time they are two years old , they should be caught up . This was a bit harder for the little guys ( and for me ) than the blood draw . The TB test took longer than I would have liked , especially for Nick , but the shots in the legs are fast but painful . I could see them wince with pain and , of course , they screamed . But it was quick and , afterwards , they quit crying fairly quickly when I turned them towards me and hugged them . We used the same method with these shots as we did with the blood draw . . . my husband had one child with him waiting in the waiting room and I stayed with the child who was being tortured and tried my best to comfort him . They were really little troopers and they were exhausted because they ended up missing their afternoon nap and had shots instead . Not a very good trade off . After we finished up with the shots , we took a quick stroll around the floor where my husband 's office is ( he is a doctor in this same practice ) so his co - workers , who prayed so much for us , could meet our sons . It was nice and the boys were pretty friendly to everyone , even after everything they had been through . After we left the doctor 's office , we decided to get a bite to eat so we went to Luby 's : ) . We like Luby 's but the lines are usually really long on Sunday after church , which is usually when we think of going there . It was perfect because the line was really short , the food was great and there was plenty of food that the boys really liked . They enjoyed their meals and ate very well ( they had also missed their snack time . . . we brought goldfish and cheerios but they are just not the same as their normal snack ) . After dinner , we came home , the boys played for a little while and then they went off to bed . I took a ton of medicine , sat with my head over a heated mister thing and laid down as much as possible . I believe I have a sinus infection and have been nursing a horrendous head ache for a couple of days . Today it was much worse . I am now feeling better . The meds have kicked in . So , each child has ended up with a bloody , swollen lip in the short amount of time they have been home with us . What 's up with that . Is that a boy thing ? Today Nick was walking around the kitchen , happy as can be , and then he stubbed his toe on one of the high chairs and fell flat on his face . His forehead , between and just above his eyes , was red for a little while but , worst of all , his upper lip was busted open ( mostly on the inside ) and bleeding quite a bit . Dr . Dad took a look at it , which did not make Nick happy at all , and tried to slow down the bleeding a bit . Turned out he was fine , although he did sport a fat lip for most of the day . It was looking much better this evening . One of the funniest things we have seen so far : this evening , Nick was walking around the living room , saw his shadow and it scared him so badly he went running to daddy , half crying . He kept going back to see it again though and became less and less scared each time . It was pretty funny . During nap time today , I heard one of the boys JUST starting to whine a little , over the baby monitor . I was waiting to see if he would go back to sleep or not . Just a minute later I heard " meow meow " over the baby monitor and could hear one of the boys jabbering . I went upstairs and sneaked into their bedroom through the other bedroom and the connecting Jack - n - Jill bath , so I could see what Dancer the cat was doing in their room . He was lying in the middle of the floor , looking at them in their cribs and meowing at them . They were both in their cribs , one standing and one sitting , watching him . Nick was sitting and kind of half crying / whining and I think he had been awakened by Dancer the cat . Ben was standing and fully enjoying the cat show . Hmmmm , I wonder how often the cat has been in there , hanging out with them and keeping them awake . That was the first time I had heard him on the baby monitor though . Today , Nick said ( or tried to say ) bye bye , while waving , when dad left to go run errands . He also tried to say baby , although it sounded much the same as bye bye , which really sounds more like ba ba . Ben listens very intently when we try to teach him new words , although he does not try to say them much . He does wave bye bye and my husband and I both think he can probably say a lot more words than he lets on . I think he is a quieter child and maybe more of an introvert , whereas Nick is the opposite . That 's my guess , based on what we have seen so far . The future will show if I am correct , God willing . Yesterday evening , I was " holding " Nick in my arms because he had been hitting Ben . Nick does not like to be held against his will so he was crying . Dancer came over twice , jumped up on the chair next to Nick and was trying to touch his nose to Nick 's face . I think Dancer was worried about Nick and did not like to hear him cry . The boys get jealous of each other sometimes . Both my husband and I will be sitting in the living room and if one of the boys goes over to one of us , the other one will go too and they kind of try to push each other away . Also , it seems that if I tell them " no " about something , that is the thing they immediately want to do again and again . I have seen Nick do this when I am preparing them something to eat in the kitchen and can 't pick him up . He will play with the wooden blinds , open drawers that he knows he should not open and hit his brother , all within 5 minutes , and usually while looking directly at me , to see if I am going to stop him . This is Ben , looking at a book . They both seem to know what " book " is now and Nick has tried to say it . They love books and will bring them to us quite often for us to read them , although they don 't always stick around for us to finish . When we first met them , we could tell they did not know the purpose of a book . They are really learning a lot quickly . When I show them an object and tell them the word for it several times , I can tell by the expression on their face that their little minds swirling it around and they are learning . And here is Ben , rocking in the chair . This chair was mine and my brother 's and sister 's when we were little . They are twins and are only a year older than I am , so we were close enough in age to share it . Nick and Ben both like this little chair . Nick can get into it by himself and will sometimes stand up in it so I have to watch him . Ben needs help getting in and out , but not for long . He is coming right along on his walking and I know he will be walking without help soon . This is Nicholas with our cat Dancer . I can 't figure out why Dancer sticks around for this kind of torture but he does , at least once or twice a day . For some reason , he really likes Nicholas and Nicholas loves to bounce around on Dancer and pull his tail . Nick tried to bite Dancer 's tail this morning . It is really funny to watch , although also a little painful , because I am always worried that he might hurt Dancer or that Dancer might lose his patience and try to scratch Nick . I have seen several babies bounce around on Dancer over the years though and I have yet to see him scratch one of them , so maybe I needn 't worry about it so much . Our other cat ( Zoe ) , on the other hand , will not let them get any where near her ( pictures of her are in another post , back in Nov or Dec , I think . . . around the time I first learned to post pics on the blog ) . She was trying to sleep in her basket in the kitchen the other day and Nick decided to try to pet her or , more likely , pound on her ( I didn 't see it ) and she must have been somewhat unfriendly because he started crying . I could not find any scratches on him so she must not have been too mean to him . She is one who would do this though and we know that because she slapped our friend 's daughter and left two tiny scratch / puncture marks on her arm . She too was bothering Zoe when she was trying to sleep in this same basket and Zoe let her know that she did not want to be bothered . The rest of the time our friend 's little girl was staying here , she would always ask " is that Dancer or Zoe " before she would try to pet one of the cats because she knew Dancer was the friendly one and Zoe was definitely not . Unfortunately , our two sons are just a bit young to know there is a difference between the two cats . I can tell them apart easily , even by their meows usually , but my husband still has trouble telling them apart sometimes so I 'm sure the boys probably won 't be able to for a while . We try to really watch them when Zoe is around and usually Zoe is really good about staying up where they can 't reach her . Dancer , on the other hand , is really part dog and loves to be in the floor with them . When I lived in Houston as a single person , I lived in a townhouse with a front courtyard that had an iron gate that would squeak when opened . Whenever anyone came in the gate , Dancer would immediately run to the kitchen growling and he would stand up on his hind legs and look out the kitchen window . So I have known for a long time now that he is an unusual cat . His behavior with the boys just confirms it again . I wonder how many of his nine lives he is going to use up with these little guys . Wooohooo ! I finally was able to get a wonderful night of sleep ! Boy , can that make a huge difference in how one feels . I feel so much better today . Thank you Lord ! I 'm not sure what made the difference but we did finally get our humidifier going again and I know that helps a lot when it is so dry . It is also a great white noise maker , which I love . We were feeding the baby oatmeal cereal in the mornings but a couple of days ago , we switch to regular oatmeal ; the kind that can be fixed in the microwave very quickly . They LOVE it ! They gobble it up and are not very interested in the fruit that is served with it . We noticed that the baby oatmeal cereal has more vitamins added so we just started adding vitamins to the regular oatmeal . The vitamins we add have more to offer than the ones that come in the baby oatmeal , so that 's good too . We think that the regular oatmeal stays with them much longer than the baby oatmeal did . They are not nearly as hungry at morning snack time as they used to be . Our boys are great sleepers and that is an answer to my prayers . For the past three days , we have been putting them down around 8 : 00 or 8 : 30 pm and they have slept until 8 : 00am . Wow . I think I might have mentioned this yesterday but I am so thankful about this that I thought I would mention it again . Normally they fall asleep very quickly . We have not established much of a night time routine yet , as they are not at a point where they would sit still and let you rock them and read a book . We just take them upstairs , while we are talking to them about " time for night night " or " time for nap time " , we turn on the humidifier in their room and then put them in their beds . They usually cry for 1 to 3 minutes ; N is then asleep and B is working on it . It takes B longer and he kind of whines himself to sleep a little but it usually does not take him very long . They are still taking two naps a day , which is surprising to me , since they are sleeping so long at night . They play hard when they are awake . More and more , they will bring us books and want us to read to them . These are the little board books , with very few words per page . Frequently they do not stick around until we are finished with the 5 or 6 pages in a book . They are normally off to find another one . Nicholas can definitely say " kitty " and " kitty cat " and I think Benjamin can say it too . Nicholas is the type of kid who will repeat words a lot . He is quite the talker / babbler . Benjamin babbles a lot during certain times of the day but a lot of the time he is more quiet . He is the type of child who will say a word and you just know you heard it , but then he does not repeat it and days later you start wondering if he really said it . My mom and sister were here the other day and B was playing with this little zoo - train thing that says " All Aboard ! " . All three of us looked at each other in surprise because it sure sounded like Ben said " all aboard " just after the zoo - train said it . It was funny . I have yet to hear him say it again though . I think I have heard him say kitty and mama too . I know I have heard Nick say those words and I think he has also tried to say book . I think Ben might be one of those kids who does not talk much at first and then one day he just starts talking in sentences . We 'll see . It 's fun to try to teach them words though . They will watch your mouth very closely , sitting there with their mouth open , and I can see their tongue start to move a little every once in a while , as if they are trying to figure out how to move it just right to make the word . Ben is feeling better each day , although we are still giving him some cold medicine to help with his symptoms of runny nose and congestion . The area just under his poor little nose was getting sore from so much wiping so we started putting some antibiotic cream on it , which help it quickly . It looked much better today . I have clipped finger nails on both boys and they were pretty good about sitting still for me . B is still being pretty good about not knocking things off of his highchair tray . He is not being good about not trying to hit us or himself in the face or trying to hit anything else that might be nearby , when he is mad . Basically , anytime we tell him no about something , he loses his temper and throws a little temper tantrum , which includes hitting whoever or whatever is nearby , including himself . Yesterday , we decided to try holding time with him for this . Nick also throws temper tantrums , although he does not try to hit anyone . He used to throw himself back but after hitting his head on the hardwood floors a couple of times , he has stopped doing that . Now he will gently lay his head down on the floor and then throw his little fit . Sometimes it is kind of funny but then his high pitch cry / whine that goes with it is very loud , normally not accompanied by tears , and becomes annoying quickly . So we have decided to try holding time for both of the boys for the fit - throwing behavior . We gave them their baths last night . They both absolutely love the bath and have ever since we have had them with us . They love playing in the bathtub . Nick gets cold very quickly so we bought a little space heater to run in the bathroom before and during their baths . We tried it last night . The dad went upstairs beforehand and turned it on so the room would be toasty warm when it was time for bath . By the time we went up for baths , it had blown a fuse and was no longer running . The bathroom was normal temperature , not toasty warm . My husband tried to get it going again but it would no longer work , so he is taking it back to the stores today . Tonight we will have dinner delivered to us . Our Bible study class from church delivers meals to families with new babies every other night for two weeks , which is such a blessing . Night before last , we had this enchilada casserole which was absolutely delicious . I think I might come away with some great recipes from this too , an added bonus ! Today I am feeling much more positive about things . A good night of sleep makes all the difference in the world . I am feeling like we are really getting the hang of this . Last night , after the boys were asleep , my husband and I had a discussion about discipline . It is so hard to be consistent with just yourself , much less between the two of you . We are trying very hard to do this but it is not easy . I am happy that we have a close relationship , can discuss things like this and work together as a team to try to do our best . We usually agree on the approach we want to take also , which is nice . He is such a good person and I admire him a lot . He knows I have not been sleeping very well . He always wakes up pretty early so , for the past week or so when he gets up , he takes the baby monitor from our room and puts it on his belt . Then he goes to the kitchen and cleans up , putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and washing any leftover dishes in the sink . It has been so wonderful having him here to share the load . I will miss him a lot when he goes back to work . It is also good because he now has an appreciation for how much work it takes to care for the children . He understands how time consuming and tiring it can be sometimes . This is a good thing because he won 't come home from work , wondering what I did all day and why the floor is not clean , or something like that . Actually , he never notices when the floor is dirty or clean or when the furniture is dusted or not or the bathrooms are clean or not . It is really nice and I wish I could be a little more like that . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
English in school whether it was middle school or high school had one thing in common . At the beginning of the year we were told to buy a notebook and we usually all picked out the same black & white notebook with wide lines that costs a $ 0 . 97 cents at the local Wal - Mart . ( I actually have three of them in my bedroom right now . ) We , as students , knew exactly what it was for so we made sure to get the notebook with wide lines . ( When not for school , I never buy wide lines - the more the better for me . ) We 'd start school and the teacher would explain that this notebook , this cheap white wide ruled notebook , was our notebook and every day we needed to write at least half of a page about anything and everything . & & everyone had the same reaction to it - the inability to write anything ever . We all ended up waiting until the day before it was due and we would just scribble a bunch of crap . I remember one year I sat and write " blah , blah , blah " over & & over until I took up half of a page . The teacher always said they 'd never read it but you know they at least glanced through it & & & probably didn 't like seeing twenty to thirty pages of nothing but blah in very large print - one letter covering three lines , it was almost as if I had just started writing again . I think back on it now & & find it quite hilarious that I had such a hard time writing in that ' journal ' . Even when I hit college I found it hard to write in a journal - yes , in one of my English Composition classes she wanted us to keep a journal ( half a page in one notebook ) . I ended up writing a short story instead , which it would seem that would be the harder part - but it took me twelve hours to write a full short story ( which I have ruined since then ) . I suppose through the years it hasn 't gotten any better , I still have trouble sometimes writing more than I ought to , but I 'm not perfect so it 's not like I can cough and spit words out . Although , that would be FANTASTIC if it were possible . Because then - yes ! I could have thirteen novels ready to go . But no , I can 't do that . I have to type the words that are put to paper and sometimes my brain breaks . Okay , my brain breaks often , but no worries ! I may have issues sometimes writing , I 'll never give up on writing . My work gives out a monthly " newsletter " which includes jokes , job related notifications , and recipes . I wanted to see if maybe she would like to add a monthly story ( whether it was on going or many different short stories ) and she loved the idea . So every month I have been writing a few pages and I have been uploading them . This month is the third installment . If you just joined and haven 't read the first two you can find Part One & Part Two . I hope you like it & enjoy reading it . The water bounced the boat back and forth , side to side , waking Zaire slightly . His head was groggy as he looked around and saw nothing but water . His stomach rumbled as his eyes spun around trying to take in the scenery without puking all over Quinn . Zaire smiled to himself as he watched her eyes twinkle in the sunlight and wanted to take note of how wonderful everything was . He unzipped a small messenger bag and pulled out a medium sized notebook , flipped it open and began scribbling in his horrible handwriting . He may not write much , but when he does he feels like he 's on a million types of drugs and they are rushing through his veins and it becomes the most beautiful thing he 's ever written - even if to everyone else it is udder crud . " Quinn , darling , you are a part of this trip . " He shrugged , " Plus , if it wasn 't for you and all of your nagging I wouldn 't be here in the first place . I would be at home , dying in my own bed with all of my belongings and a real bathroom . But no , here I am floating across water to a destination I don 't know what it is or where it is . So if nothing else , you owe me information about you and your town . " " Sheesh , dude , you don 't have to be dramatic about it . However , I do see your writer side sticking out . I 'll tell you about anything you want to , I just have a request first . " He let the words sink in trying to figure out what would scare him off and why she was worried about him leaving so easily . What was he walking into ? " I can only do my best . So , you - tell me about you - The real Quinn . " She took in his posture . He sat straight with his left leg crossed over his right at the knee and had his notebook sitting gently only top of his thigh with his left hand gripping his pencil tightly . His eyes , emotionless , staring at her - waiting for words to be said . " I 'm not sure what to say . There honestly isn 't much about me . I 'm Quinn Fabre and I was born in Alaska to a great set of parents . After their death I decided to take off not sure where I was going to end up . I somehow managed to make it to Calypso , got a job , and rented a tiny house . " She chuckled to herself , " Wrong turn . I was trying to get to San Francisco , I wanted to be a dancer , but somehow I ended up taking a wrong turn down a long road that took me over an ocean and you can 't quite turn around . So I kept going and ended up there . The town seemed nice when I finally stopped and asked someone where I was at . " The town is known for grain - so I basically just took the only job the grain factory had - receptionist . I liked it a lot and didn 't see why I hadn 't gotten lost years before . I sat at a desk that was mine answering phone calls , taking orders on computers , and making sure everyone got their paychecks . " " So you 're saying that a person cannot want to help other people ? " Anger began to build and she began to speak quicker , " They took me in when I had nowhere else to go . I owe a lot to the people of that town . " " Woah , dang girl , calm down . I didn 't mean it like that . I just mean that … " He sighed , " Let 's continue with your story . " " I never saw myself leaving the grain factory until I received a call from my mother . She said my dad was sick and wasn 't going to last much longer so she asked if I might come home for a while . Basically to say good - bye and I love him , so I did and I was gone a while . " Basically - a few hadn 't gotten sickly , but yes , they were . " She sighed to herself and drifted off with memories . " I can still remember the children and the elderly . The ones around our age could get around fine and still go to work when I got back but the children and the elderly . " " Trust me , so do I - but a part of me feels as if you feel responsible for their illness and you cannot live like that . You need to realize that if you had been there you couldn 't have stopped it from happening but you 'd be just as sick as everyone else . You should feel lucky . " She glanced at his hand that now rested gently on her shoulder . She hadn 't noticed when he moved closer , almost ninja - like . She couldn 't remember the last time , since her dad 's funeral , where someone wanted to comfort her . Felt the need to make sure she was okay before running off to their busy day . Of course , however , she knows he cannot really leave - unless he can swim , and the vibe she gets , he can 't - but it seems as if he cares , nonetheless . " I have tried to look from that perspective , but I can 't . I honestly feel as if I had been there we wouldn 't have gotten that shipment of grain and I could have stopped it . They even said the shipment looked funny but yet they accepted it anyway and made so much bread . There is no telling how many people have it and I feel as if it 's my fault . " Tears inched down her cheeks , " I shouldn 't have left and went to my parents ' house . How will I live without myself if I don 't find this cure ? " She decided to stay quiet and just not comment anymore . She had her feelings for all of this and knew he 'd never understand . Sitting here and word - fighting with him isn 't going to get her anywhere . She knew exactly what she needed to do and how to do it , whether he was on board with it or not . He sat up , happy that they are finally off the water , and looked around . His eyes grew large as he scanned the island and slowly his lips parted and his jaw dropped . His words came out a lot slower than he thought they would have , " Whaaaaaaat thhhhhuuuuuuuhhhh … . " " But … " His eyes watered from all of the electricity that was bouncing through the air from one tesla coil to the next . He counted mentally the number of tesla coil 's that lined this island - he counted approximately thirty - two and all he saw was bright lights of lightning flashing around him . " How do you expect us to walk through that ? " His mind began playing scenarios over and over of things that could or might happen . His one thought surrounded one thing - he knew one thing for sure - the Tesla Coils were set up to keep people out or to keep something in . He heart pounded in his chest and felt the need to vomit . He looked around and Quinn had disappeared and in that moment he knew something bad had happened . " Quinn ? " The words were loud and shaky . " Quinn ! " His voice was even louder than it was . His heart began to pound , normally , he thought , someone would have said something with the second yell . His head swung back and forth trying to make sure he wasn 't missing anything as his mouth dried up . His nervous tick began something he 's hated all of his life , and dropped his messenger bag onto the ground . He rubbed his face with his fingertips trying to control the facial tick that made the left side of his mouth lift along with his eye blinking . He turned on his heels and sprinted back to where he remembered Quinn tying up the boat . He stood there at the edge of the island and felt his heart fall . He couldn 't believe what he was seeing - she left him there . Alone . The hours passed slowly almost feeling like days . The sun was hot on his skin while he sat on his bottom in the tiny sand beach . He knew that he was more than likely already sunburned - his pasty white skin doesn 't hold up well to the UV Rays . That 's one thing he knows for sure - he has always been an inside person . He inched his whole hand into the sand wiggling it side to side as he anger flared within him . He knew she wasn 't going to come back , but he also knew if he was to ever see her again he planned to rip her head off her shoulders . Not that he would actually do it but the urge was there . He has and never will be a violent person . He shook his head and grunted inwardly . Sitting here isn 't going to help anyone or anything , but what could he possibly do ? Try and swim back home and hope he doesn 't get eaten by some form of large fish that may be swimming within the waters ? Even if that sounded like half of a decent plan , he had no idea which direction was home or how far it was . He knew they had traveled by a small boat with a motor and it seemed to be approximately one in the afternoon when they arrived after leaving a quarter to nine in the morning . He decided to walk around Tesla Island , since it didn 't seem very large to him , to see if maybe someone actually lived out here . Looking at all of the coils , that were still slicing the sky with lightning bolts , he knew someone had to have put them up . He stood up and began his walk , walking toward what he thought was North , looking up through trees and bright flashes of light . He made a mental note of the fact that the coils made flashes of light that actually lit up the sky , even with the sun out . It was partly mesmerizing to him . His pace started out strong , moving quickly through the sand , his feet dragging slightly , but as the sun began to set his pace slowed to almost turtle - human speed . His legs began to shake slightly as his body shivered from a cool breeze that came in from the water . He stopped and looked around , exasperated , when he realized he had been walking all day and has yet to see anything that resembles any form of life . He looked through the flashes and realized if someone does live on this island , they are going to be on the inside - in the middle of the lightning bolts that flew up and out . He sighed but remembered what Quinn had said , there is always a shut off to anything that works , we just have to find it . Using common sense , which I don 't have much of but I have some , I can pretty much promise you it 's on the outside . Taking a deep breath he tried to remember , out of what he 's walked so far , did he see anything that looked anything remotely like an off switch or a lever . All he seemed to remember was a bunch of tree 's that looked like they were about to attack him , and small bushes that were probably hiding tiny animals that wanted to eat human flesh . He wasn 't really feeling the urge to be eaten by anything that is smaller than his foot . He figured that since he hadn 't seen anything that looked remotely like an off switch while he walked - he would finish walking the rest of the way . He stood , stretched his leg muscles and began to walk finishing his way around the island . He sighed when he realized how slow he was moving - he was hoping after his rest that he 'd be able to do this quickly . He looked out in front of him and noticed something that looked like a tall black brick wall . He approached it with caution , just in case , and gently pushed the tree branch that was covering it to the side and saw a large button . He stared at the button as if it were an animal about to attack . Next to the button had an engraving in it that , to him , looked Latin and almost talked himself out of pressing it , but he knew this was the only thing he has found that looks like it would shut off the coils . He shut his eyes tightly , counted to ten and prayed silently to himself . Opening them quickly he pushed his hand forward and hit the button and braced for whatever was about to happen . He heard a noise that sounded like a large rock was being moved and a zip - zap just in time for the coils to stop sparking and it was quiet except for a ticking noise that sounded like a food timer spinning . That 's when he realized once it stops ticking the coils are going to turn back on . He quickly looked around him and sprinted to the inside of the coils where he wouldn 't have to really worry about it . As soon as he passed the coils and was standing on the inside the hum of the electricity began and thanked everything that he was finally on the inside . But how , he thought to himself , will he get out ? He wouldn 't think about that right now though , because the only thing he wanted to think about was finding someone to help him get home . That 's all he wanted more than anything was to just go home . He walked around for what felt like hours and in circles . He passed a large oak three that he could swear he had passed multiple times . Aggravation began sitting in , a feeling he was getting tired of , as he realized this isn 't working . He could barely see what was around him or where he was going due to the fact that it was basically dark - the sun had set hours ago but he didn 't want to give up , he wanted to go home . But he began realizing that he should probably find somewhere to rest for the evening and start up again in the morning - but where ? Once he was close to the coils he noticed a large opening that looked like a darkened cave . He glanced around and realized this is where he entered into the coils . On the other side of this cave is the button he pressed to turn off the coils so he began betting himself , since no one else was around , that the button to turn it off again is inside of this cave . He decided , however , not to go too far into it looking for a button or lever to turn them off , the only thing on his mind at that moment was to sleep for a little bit . Exhaustion finally hit him when he decided to settle in for the night , yawns coming every couple of minutes . He cautiously entered the extremely dark cave and stopped just inside . Not too far in but far enough in that if the clouds that were floating around above him decided to let go of its moisture , he wouldn 't get wet - that 's what he wanted from this . He tossed his messenger bag to the ground , and stretched forcing a yawn to the service . He rubbed his eyes and glanced around wanting to make a last ditch effort to see if someone , or something , was hiding in the dark shadows of this cave . Not seeing anything , he went to squat , finally to lie down just and felt the ground began to shake . His body tensed as he tried to keep his balance , but the shaking got worse , and attempting to keep his balance became harder and harder . At times it felt as if he was trying to stand on a board that was sitting on top of a rubber ball . He grabbed on to the sides of the cave and the sound of boulders forced his attention , he turned his head quickly to the left and saw the entrance close up . Zaire lifted his hand and touched the side of his head with as little pressure as he could muster . His head pounded and all he wanted to do is cry - cry for his mother or father to come hold him - cry in a way he hasn 't cried since he was a tiny child after falling off of his bike and skinning his poor knee . Of course , though , he 'd never admit that he wanted to cry even if someone could prove it . His whole face hurt - a pain he couldn 't remember having before . His mouth was parted and he slowly opened his eyes not wanting to scare his pupils with a light that was so bright he could feel it to his bones . As he let the light enter his eyes he realized he was no longer in the cave where he was but instead he sat in a wooden chair with no arm rests in a large white empty room . The only other thing besides him in it was a large wooden desk , papers covering the top , with a chair turned backwards . Fear was prominent in his mind , mostly from wanting answers , and then he tried to stand . He grunted as he felt himself fall backwards and hit his bottom on the chair . He looked down at his legs … He knew that voice , or a part of that voice - he couldn 't place it . " Where am I ? How did I get here ? " His words came out in a hurry . Zaire blinked a couple times attempting to focus on the figure that was sitting at the desk looking at him . When the cloudiness cleared he realized why he knew that voice . " Quinn ? Why did you leave me on the island alone ? " " What ? We were on a journey to find a cure for the illness we have . What are you talking about with all of this we needed to find ? " Quinn stood up not looking like the girl she was when he first met him . In town , when they first met , her clothes seemed drabby - dirty discolored khaki slacks with a long sleeve white shirt and a dirty old grandmother sweater draped over her that had to have been four sizes too large . Now , standing in front of the desk she is cleaned up . Her hair is pulled back into a nicely composed pony tail , a calf length pinstriped skirt , a form fitting button up long sleeve white shirt and a pair of black stilettos . A part of his man self was briefly attracted to her until he realized that she had him tied to a chair and actually had been stalking him . " You didn 't get sick off of bread from Calypso and the whole town isn 't sick . In fact , last time I was there everyone looked pretty healthy if you ask me . " She took a couple steps around the desk to the front of it and seductively sat on the edge and crossed her arms in front of her chest . Zaire could only remember one other time where he slept so horrible and it would have to be the night he found out about his illness . He tossed and turned all night with Quinn on his mind . For the most part of the night he laid in bed staring at his ceiling counting the tiny dots that are speckled above him . He found himself weighing all of his options and the only thing he knew for sure was that he doesn 't want to die . But as he thinks about that his mind wanders back to the phone call and wonders who it was and why they called . He stood on his front porch smelling the morning air just as the sun began to rise over the horizon . His mind was full which confused him . He held a large cup of coffee in his hands sipping it slowly as it burned all the way down . The higher the sun got into the sky the more he wanted to live . The more he wanted to see more days than just the few he has left - how many , he still doesn 't know . The more he wanted to be able to say he accomplished something - anything , and live to see his life unfold . Anytime he thought of his illness or the fact he was destined to die his heart broke a little more each time . He figured after so many years that he would eventually just accept it and move on ; live the rest of his days doing the stuff he wanted to do . But as he begins thinking about that , that 's when he realizes he hasn 't done anything to be able to do anything . He knows that makes no sense whatsoever , but to him , it 's everything , especially when his dream , the one thing he wants to accomplish and have live on past him , is a novel . But he knows to write said novel he has to have done something - seen something , or even just felt something that he hasn 't . Go with Quinn . A small voice in the back of his head repeated those words over and over . He wanted to listen to it and go but he was scared . But what exactly would he accomplish if he continues being scared ? He knew he finds himself complaining or whining about not doing things then something like this falls into his lap . He had never had the opportunity to go to Tesla Island , and here it was - perfect for him and he may blow it . Why ? Because he 's scared . But what exactly is he scared of ? Actually accomplishing something and feeling great about himself for once ? Or failing . But how will he know if he 'll fail if he never tries . His mind was heavy . He always found the morning time comforting . Most people were still asleep , getting ready for work , or just getting off of work . The hustle and bustle you found during the evening hours didn 't exist and it was almost as if no one else was around . The walk seemed to do him some good even if he had no idea where he was going or when he 'd turn around . He doesn 't walk as much as he used to because it wears him out and makes him sick . But today it was something he needed . The more he walked the drier his mouth became . He began hearing a loud ringing in his ears and his sight began to blur . He knew he shouldn 't have walked as far as he had , but he knew he needed to get away . He needed something that was located at his house . When his legs became wobbly and he felt the ground connect to his person , he had made up his mind . He will need to find Quinn and begin the trek to Tesla Island to see if they could find what they needed to cure him and her whole town . He was tired of being sick and finally decided to take care of the problem . When he realized he was on the concrete is when he remembered that he had no idea how to get ahold of Quinn . His head pounded behind his eyes as he gradually sat up . He glanced around and realized he was sitting in his bed . It 's never a good thing when you are somewhere but you have no idea how you got there especially when the last memory you have is of you falling to the ground . He tried standing up but his body began pounding from aches in places he didn 't know existed . Knowing he needed to figure out what was going on he pushed through the pain and stood up . He shakily made his way through his house and into his living room that was cleaned up and a smell wafted through the air . He closed his eyes and sniffed hard - he felt his stomach growl . It had been a long time since he could remember smelling bacon being cooked in his house . As much as the smell of bacon being cooked excited him , it also frightened him because he has no idea who is cooking bacon in his kitchen . Calmly , figuring it could get really bad if he isn 't , he made his way into his tiny kitchen . He stalled at the doorway briefly trying to talk himself out of this and reconsider everything he was about to do . But it 's his house and no one should be frying bacon in it unless it 's him and he doesn 't really know how to cook bacon so they must go . He took the corner and entered his kitchen and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Quinn poking her head around the doorway of his refrigerator . She chuckled to herself as she shut the door , " Do you ever buy groceries ? Shoot ! I had to go to the freaking store this morning and buy what I am making . But I forgot cheese and you don 't have any . " Zaire shrugged and sat down at his kitchen table . " I just never really learned and last time I set my stove on fire . Not something I really want to repeat in this lifetime . " He tried once , well , a few times . He figured since he lived alone he really needed to know how to make his own food but every time he tried his stove would catch on fire so he decided against attempting that anymore . He figured being a bachelor that frozen foods would work , they couldn 't be too bad , but once he tried eating a few of them he realized that they were worse than he thought and just gave up . It takes him briefly twenty minutes to go to Taco Bell and back and he has many menus ' hanging next to his front door . Most of them deliver . Why should he lie to himself into thinking that one day he will be able to cook when he can just order out . He took a bite of perfectly crisped bacon . " I … " He paused for a moment . " I don 't think I 've checked it in days . " He shook his head . " I think I will . Even if we don 't find the cure and I still end up dying a horrible death . Something will come of this trip and if I don 't do it I 'll never figure out what it is . " She stood up and clapped her hands together once holding them out in front of her . " Great ! That 's fantastic ! Oh ! We have to start preparing ! " Quinn plopped back down into the chair . " You don 't understand , Zaire , this is something that has to happen now . If we wait my whole town will die out and you 'll be gone . Then where does that leave me ? " Quinn , for the next four days , basically never left Zaire for more than twenty minutes . Usually just long enough to go to the store and restock his kitchen and bathroom supplies . They went over the rules and how Tesla Island is and she explained just how long it was going to take them to get there - by boat . Quinn had already explained to Zaire that they weren 't able to take a lot , just enough to survive because of how small the boat is . He figured it was fine since all he really needed was food , water , and shelter . She busted that bubbled once she told him that there may be times where there isn 't any shelter . He wasn 't sure what he thought about not having shelter at all times . Which was true and he often wondered why he had never gotten into a boat , even just a simple paddle boat . Their tiny town was surrounded by water , at times , people thought it was an Island , but it wasn 't considered one . The town was housed to about 25 , 000 people and there was one road out of it and most people didn 't know there was a town there . He figured most people found it by accident when traveling in California by taking the wrong turn . Once they travel down the 25 mile bridge and end up in Davenport they don 't normally leave . It 's basically a flat area with large houses , one movie theater , shopping mall , some well - known restaurants and two grocery stores . It 's very secluded , which is what most people that stay like about it . " Why ? What 's in California that isn 't here ? It 's just a long drive across a boring bridge into a state that is full of crazy people . " Her face distorted , " How do you know ? You haven 't been there ? Don 't knock something if you 've never seen it for yourself . " Legend has it there 's an intangible string of fate that binds two people that are destined to be together . Those connected are bound regardless of time , place or circumstance . Nothing can break the invisible thread between two people who are meant to be together . The color red is strongly tied to the attraction and desire . It is also the color of the string of fate that binds two soul mates . The red string of fate is derived form an ancient East Asian belief . According to this myth , the Gods tie a red string around the ankles of those that are destined to meet each other or help each other in a certain way . Like many old legends , the story behind the red string is somewhat problematic . It is said that walking home one night , a little boy saw an old man reading a book . He asked him what he was reading . The old man said it was a book of marriages , and told the young boy he was destined to marry one girl . When he showed the little boy the girl he was to marry , though , the boy didn 't like the idea because he didn 't want to get married . He threw a rock at her and ran away as fast as he could . Years later , a marriage was arranged between the boy and one of the most beautiful girls in the village . But , when he unveiled her he noticed his wife - to - be had a small scar over her eyebrow . When he asked her about it , she told him that a boy had thrown a rock at her as a child . Thus proving their fateful union … At the crux of this proverb is submitting to a higher power . Destiny will take its course and in time all will fall into place . It is important not to fight the red thread . Even if you find the person on the other end of the fateful red string , that doesn 't mean staying together will be easy . The proverb is meant to instill loyalty , devotion , and compassion . The string is also there to make sure lovers remain faithful to one another . " The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you , not knowing how blind I was . Lovers don 't finally meet somewhere . They 're in each other all along . " - Rumi In Japanese culture , it is said the red string is tied around the pinky finger . Hence the phrase " pinky swear . " Originally , it indicated that the person who broke their promise had to cut off their pinky finger . Caroline Highland of Thought Catalog writes , " The red threads don 't wind their way around our ankles as we walk , don 't catch on us as we brush past things - the Chinese believe that they emanate from us from birth , from the moment we enter the world . As we age , with each passing year , the threads grow tighter , bringing us close to the people whose lives are destined to intertwine with ours in some way . " The same writer interprets the red thread as liberating . " How much easier it feels to fling ourselves out into the unknown , into a new place or stage of our lives , knowing those red threads are there , winding out into the future as they always have been , holding onto souls that will be waiting to catch us , teach us , touch us , and change us . " According to Wikipedia , " The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers , regardless of place , time , or circumstances . This magical cord may stretch or tangle , but never break . " The first time around when I was attempting to lose weight seemed easier . I 'm not sure if it 's because I was more focused or if maybe I wanted it more the first time around . I feel as if I should want it more this time - wanting to get off of medication & get my numbers under control sounds like a fantastic reason to pull off weight . Especially since I wasn 't on any then but am now . I don 't remember being this tired the first time . Two years ago I had decided , even on the weekend when I work , that I would wake up , exercise and eat better . I did well on it . ( Weekends waking up at 2 pm - since I work from 6pm to 6am . ) I don 't feel as if I had this much trouble those many years ago . I mean , yes , don 't get me wrong - I do remember having days / nights where I honestly didn 't want to do anything & just wanted to eat fried chicken and cheese sticks . I didn 't . I stuck to my plan . I pushed myself to exercise even on days I didn 't want to . THANKSGIVING of that year I had dinner and then exercised for an hour . This time around I 'm having many issues . Eating issues . ( I don 't eat as bad as I used to but I still have my issues . ) Exercising issues . I decided that I would get a gym membership ( which I did ) and I would go with my friend twice a week - the other days going for walks at a walking path we have in town . I think since I began this ( starting seriously beginning in April ) I have exercised well for a week & then just having a good day here and there . Food wise … Ugh ! That I don 't even want to talk about . The first time I shopped mostly at Aldi 's since they have so many low calorie products . For breakfast I would range from cereal with fruit and toast , to breakfast tacos ( corn tortillas , eggs , sausage & cheese ) . Then for snacks it was usually things like tiny bags of cookies , or Cheese Its . For lunch , when at work I 'd make a sandwich with chips but at home I 'd make a bowl of soup , or a chicken salad . Then a snack . Then for dinner I would make chicken or tuna with pasta , a little sauce , and a vegetable . I never took anything from myself meaning , if I wanted it I ate it . I wouldn 't tell myself no - which worked - well . From September to December I had pulled off 50 pounds . ( Couldn 't tell , but I did . ) I figured I would do the same thing this time around . I still remember what I ate , how to eat it , the amounts , and I still have everything I had then ( equipment wise ) . So why am I having such a hard time with it ? I cannot blame it on the fact that this time I live with people . They have all said they wouldn 't mind if we changed it up a little . I know every single person in my household would welcome lighter foods and smaller amounts . I decided to attempt to pull weight off and get off the medication and it seems as if we eat out more than we did before . It 's as if I just stopped cooking . ( Which is one of my favorite things to do . ) The boyfriend bought me a slow cooker for this ! How many people do that for each other ? He bought me something so I could take my lunch to work , them have something healthier to eat when I 'm at work , so I would no longer have to buy bad for me foods . I think since he bought it I did it for one weekend . ( Mostly because everything I have cooked in it comes out watery - even after cooking for nearly nine hours . ) I can do this because I have done it before . I gave serious thought to having the weight - loss surgery but I can 't bring myself to do it . I don 't feel like I 'm there yet . I know … I KNOW I can do this . It 's all up to me and I keep getting in my own way . No one else . But how can you fix a problem when you 're not 100 % sure what 's stopping you ? I thought I had the motivation I needed to go all the way this round but it seems like the more I try the more I fail . I think half of my hump is that I am so tired . Tired . Extra tired . I know for a fact that half of it is my medication & if I can get off of it I won 't be as tired . To get off of them I have to lose weight . I have to wake up and exercise to lose weight . I tell myself every now and again that it 's okay if I miss a day - I 'll make it up tomorrow . The problem is that tomorrow never comes and I end up not doing anything . It 's getting to the point that I don 't wake up for days . I don 't remember sleeping like this since I stepped to the bright side of depression ( topic for another day ) . I remember then sleeping for days only waking up to use the restroom , eat , and at times go to work . But once I walked up the hill at that point in my life I began sleeping more like a " normal " human . I 'm back to only waking up for bathroom breaks and to make dinner for everyone . But then of course , the nights I need to sleep I can 't . Like right now , for an example , it 's two after six in the morning and I have to be up at two in the afternoon to get ready to be at work by five - thirty to do day one of my three twelve hour day work week . But like most Friday nights / Saturday mornings , I am not tired - so here I sit . I have plans for myself " tomorrow " . Wake up at two in the afternoon and go for a walk . Come home and make something to take to work . ( No one saw it because I 'm on a computer , but I just rolled my eyes . ) We 'll see what happens after I finally go to sleep and wake up . I began boring myself with my writing . Running out of people to write for . So while at work I decided to email the woman who runs a monthly hand out paper and asked if I might be able to write a story for it . After talking about a few things we decided on an on - going story . I figured I would share it . . I have no idea where I 'm actually taking it but this is the beginning and I 'll have Part Two in June . He dodged the strike as the bolt of lightning flew just passed his face pushing him over onto his back . He rolled underneath a broken tree and flung himself forward getting back to his feet and without missing a beat he continued to run . He could feel his heart beat in his toes but pushed forward hoping to escape . But where he was he couldn 't quite figure out as all of the scenery around him was new . Zaire was scared , a feeling he hasn 't felt in a long time , but tonight as he made his way through a forest trying not to trip , he felt it . He didn 't waste any moments by stopping and looking back to see if he was out running them , or try to find things to hurl at whatever may or may not be behind him . He didn 't like the chase he was in but he has to keep going ; had to let it keep following him to get to where he needed to be . His breath hitched and came to a complete stop the moment his body came in contact with a large Oak tree . Falling backwards he slammed hard onto the ground a tiny puff of dirt flying up around him . His head was groggy but he could see the figure standing above him . It didn 't move , but span the length of three large trees and continued to grow . Zaire felt the eyes of the large shadow bore into his soul . A small growl rumbled around him as his eyes fluttered shut . Zaire stumbled out of his front door dropping all of the paperwork he had been holding . He huffed as he bent picking up one paper at a time . Lucky for him the wind wasn 't blowing and was actually able to pick them up without having to run a mile ; he was pretty sure he wouldn 't have made it . The last few days for him have been good days but today didn 't seem he was as lucky . He took a couple deep breaths sitting in his driver 's seat trying to settle his stomach . He fiddled through the papers he had dropped attempting to put them back in order from ascending date . He knew he should have bought that brief case he was looking at the other night but talked himself out of it thinking it wasn 't an important purchase . Surprising , even to himself , he hadn 't started purchasing items that wasn 't necessary . The sun was bright as he made his way the new doctor 's office , 1124B Room 13 West Sioux Ave - he repeated that to himself many times since he googled the address . His last doctor decided he needed to see someone who may specialize in his condition and actually help , rather than give a time line of when he may perish all together . Anything was better than nothing - he felt as if he still had a lot to live for , even if there is nothing in his life . He did have everything he could have imagined including a job , and a girlfriend . His job was great , for him , at a book publishing company as an editor . He may not have made as much money as he wanted to but he had so many opportunities of moving up in the company that he just wanted to wait for his turn . His girlfriend left three months into the whole process , just as his hair began falling out , stating that she wouldn 't be able to be seen around town with a bald man who could fall over dead at any time . It took a while for him to recover the break up ; especially since she did it over the dinner he planned to propose . He still has the ring sitting in a drawer - for the longest he hoped she 'd come back . He stood on the sidewalk out front of the doctor 's office and hesitated for a brief moment . The building wasn 't what he was expecting especially since it was more of a duplex and it was connected to a large strip club he used to frequent as a teenager . A few friends of his recently took him in there and either he was stupid as a teenager or his taste had changed . He noticed that you were no longer allowed to smoke inside of the bar but instead it reeks of incense and the lights are kept dim , he was sure it was to hide stretch - marks as the " talent pool " wasn 't terribly deep and they didn 't want to ruin the general male fantasy . One of the bartenders that were leaning against the bar ; she had to be near thirty with a Barbie - thin waist and was ridiculously fake - looking . She stood out compared to the rest of the bartenders as they were ordinary , like they went into a Wal - Mart and picked random customers to mix drinks and smile - a lot . The building is run - down and sad - a nice older building that was aging badly on the side of town that is still circling the drain and losing many manufacturing jobs in the past forty years . Taking one last long breath of fresh air and adjusting the hat he had put on getting out of the car he made his way up the dark steps and into the building that seemed just as dark as the coloring of the building . Maybe some of the lights were out , he thought to himself as he began looking for room 13 . The building almost felt like a library to Zaire as he walked , almost in a tip - toe , down the long corridor . The walls were bare and solid white and smelled of licorice . The door squeezed open as he pushed on it gently and he walked into a large well decorated room with thirteen chairs and three welcome windows . A woman in her mid - forties smiled a large crooked smiled in his direction and waved him over . He faked a smile as best as he could and stood in front of the window she slid open . Ruby shook her head , " Oh darling , don 't think of it like that . Doctor Zephor has performed miracles before . Maybe you 'll be his next . " Zaire made sure not to hold his breath for miracles . When everything first began it just a headache then moved to body aches and chills . From there he began having muscle pains and his bones began breaking easily along with scabs forming on his arms without hurting himself . Then his hair loss began along with the sight in his left eye , which is now glossed over , and is missing about four teeth . He either wanted the cure for whatever it is he has or death - which ever happened first . The office was pretty empty except for a cluttered desk holding a laptop , a television that hung in the corner , and two chairs . He sat nervously still holding all of his paperwork close to his person waiting for the doctor to come and speak to him about options . Zaire leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes . His body was so tired all he wanted to do is go home and lie down and sleep for a little while . For a brief moment he dozed , finally able to shut his brain off momentarily . A small wheezy voice broke into his slumber slightly waking him . His eyes opened enough for a light to shine through and he turned toward where the voice came from . At first he didn 't see anyone and figured he had to have been dreaming but then , as he began to doze again , a girl with long brown hair and large brown eyes sat beside him . Laughter freed itself from her . " Medication … No , there isn 't one ; the doctor will even tell you that . I however know there 's a cure . " " I came to talk to the doctor because when I was told about it they said it 's either here with this crazy doctor or in the other location . So I came here first and spoke to Dr . Zephor to see if he had it . He said there is no such antidote for this disease and anyone telling me different is giving me hope that doesn 't exist . " " There isn 't much known about it , but as far as I have seen , no , it 's not . I haven 't gotten it but ninety - percent of my town has it . I was one of the lucky ones that were out of town when the grains came in . Everyone made so much bread that week and everyone who ate it got sick . Do you know how you got it ? " He looked at this girl who sat in front of him with so much more knowledge about something that was killing him slowly and he knew nothing . He has visited so many doctors and had so many tests but no one could tell him what it was or how he got it . But as he sat there he thought back to when he first began getting sick . " When did they get the grain ? " Zaire placed all of his paperwork onto the desk belonging to Dr . Zaphor and leaned back in his chair , his heart pounding . He was told once a while back that it was probably something he ate but of course he kept denying it . Why would someone poison food that could and would harm people who hadn 't done anything to anyone else ? He couldn 't grasp why anyone would think someone would deserve to die . Quinn nudged Zaire 's right arm , " You know , I 've decided to go on a mission to get the cure . If you 're able , you know , you could come with me . I could help you and you could help me - especially since you and I both need the same exact thing . " Quinn laughed to herself , " I don 't know that it does for sure . The only thing I do know is that I have to try everything I can to help my town . I cannot just let them all die and you look like you 're a little too young to die yourself . So why not ? " " What is old enough to die anymore ? Everyone is dying too soon to everyone in their lives unless like are in their 90 's - then everyone says the same thing , well , they lived a full life . Did they really ? How do we know if they fulfilled everything they wanted ? Who is to say they lived a full life ? We aren 't them - we don 't know . " " Yes , I 'm completely serious . They say there is an old cave on it and right next to it , not in it , but next to it there is a spot that if you dig you pull up an old box . Inside the box is the recipe of how to make it . " Zaire knew better than to agree to this . He knew better than to put all of his hope into something that more than likely doesn 't exist . Why would someone just randomly put a recipe for a disease that no one would know if someone would ever get in a box on an island ? How did Quinn find out about this ? If someone messed with grain knowing they 'd all die from it who would go against that and help cure it ? " Seriously , a dream , " Zaire was speechless . Who , in their right mind , starts on a mission from something they seen in a dream ? " I think I 'm going to sit out on this one . I just don 't think I can bring myself to do this if it 's just a guess . " On the drive home Zaire had a lot of information to process . Doctor Zaphor finally came into his office after Quinn left and told him exactly what the others did . He said within a year , if even that , he 'd be dead and it would probably happen when he 's asleep . The thought scared him - not because he 'd be dead , but because he hasn 't accomplished anything he wanted to . What does he have to show for himself ? Who is going to remember him ? All of the thought swirled around in his head making it hurt . He knew this wasn 't healthy but he was nowhere near ready to part the Earth . But he couldn 't write a book - he hadn 't done anything . He played it safe all of his life and now - now what does he have to show for it ? Nothing - an empty house , no friends or family around , no job and no love of his life . He pulled into his drive way and put his car in park . He got out and walked away leaving everything he once thought would save his life behind in the car . He made his way into his house and straight into his bedroom where pictures had been scattered . He stopped and looked around realizing this isn 't how he left his house . Who had been in here ? Curious , he made his way back into the living room and then into the kitchen - both rooms had been destroyed . What would someone be looking for in his house ? It 's not like him to keep things sitting around that has great meaning or worth a lot of money . He only has one prized possession and that 's a ring that he put in a box in a vent - no one would find it . " I don 't … " Before he was able to get all of the words out his phone went quiet . He held his phone in his palm staring down at it . What just happened ? What could Quinn be into that would have someone call him out of the blue and tell me not to go ? A small tap at his front door brought his attention from the caller . He made his way to the door . He wasn 't used to getting visitors since he had gotten sick . It was if everyone had decided that what he had was contagious and they just stopped coming around . He was more or less okay with that since every time someone was around him they 'd only give him the I 'm so sorry your sick look and he was tired of it . Zaire thought about the phone call and wondered if this was such a bright idea . But the side of him that was hoping for a cure was a lot stronger than the side telling him not to . " Why me ? " Quinn interrupted him , " Who cares whether I know you or not . If you want to die I will leave and if you don 't be ready by eight in the morning because that 's when I 'm catching the boat . " She turned quickly and left before he had the chance to say another word . Great , he thought , now I have to think about this all night . I 'm a few days behind on beginning this but I figure late is better than never . On the list I found of 30 Day Writing , number one said 20 Random Facts About Me . So I figured I 'd do that . Some that read this may actually already know these facts but I have to start somewhere . Does that make me less of a writer ? I ponder that a lot . So I figured instead of pondering on that topic anymore I 'm going to make a decision to write something everyday . It may just be a quick entry to say hello to the world but it will be something nonetheless . I just figure if I 'm going to eventually be a published author then I must start on that dream now . & & & since no one will hire me to write full time I might as well just enjoy the blog while I can . Plus , you never know - this blog may become something bigger . Doubt it . But hey ! I can dream . So I messed around on Pinterest until I found a couple " 30 Day Writing Challenges " and picked a couple to choose from . Figured I can pick two and choose my favorites and then write . I figured that would be my best route . Two years ago I had decided I was ready to finally pull off weight . I changed my diet , began exercising , and sleeping normally . I was pumped ! After four months I had pulled off 40 pounds - I was beyond excited . I had no intentions of ever stopping until I reached my goal and was able to continue eating like I was without a calorie counter . Yes ! I 'm a calorie counter . The fifth month rolled around and I began having pains in my feet so bad that when I stopped moving I was unable to stand back on them . When I woke up after sleeping I fell over and found myself crawling through my house - a lot . I finally scheduled an appointment with a foot doctor I don 't know the actual name and after some x - rays he figured out that I had plantar fasciitis . After giving me a shot my feet felt a million times better . I never really got back into the groove the feet issues took and , well , it 's been two years and I have put back on the weight I lost plus more . I figured everything would be okay since I haven 't really had any health problems associated with my weight . Why worry when there isn 't a reason to worry ? In 2014 , I decided it was time to finally go to a doctor for a check up - I began feeling weird . Extremely tired , pains in weird places , etc . I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and my A1C ( number that determines whether you have diabetes ) was a little higher than he wanted ( they want it less than a 7 . 0 & mine was a 6 . 7 . ) There is when we started the struggle with finding the medicine that would help and not cause me any issues . The first set of blood pressure pills made me cough which he said was not a good thing . Okay , that 's fine , so we moved on to another kind - which is what I still take . The A1C pill hasn 't changed since I began taking the medicine . Lately , however , when I take my A1C pill I start feeling … weird . My head will go light making me dizzy at times , I get extremely tired ( there are times where I just want to close my eyes and rest ) , and my stomach gets very sick to itself . I haven 't taken it in a few days which is probably causing me more issues than anything . After a lot of thought I decided that I would get back to making myself healthy . Exercising and eating right is the plan . I halfway started yesterday when I got a membership at a gym and started going . Twice so far . It may not seem like much , but it 's a big change for someone who is usually found in bed watching television unless they HAVE to get up and do something . Yesterday I started out well . Ate less than my allotted calories and spent an hour at the gym . Hooray ! Today , however , I had a harder time . Nothing to destroy anything - I still have work to do . ( Mostly , grocery shopping . When all you have in your house is macaroni and cheese , & potatoes , you have to buy some things . ) Today was just one of those days where you stand there and think if I shove anymore food in my mouth I 'm going to slap myself . It wasn 't a lot but I know for a fact I ran over my allotted calorie intake for today but I am not going to let it get me down . I 'm not much of a gambler , not because I don 't want to win , but because after I spend the money I feel horrible for spending money that could have went for something else ; anything else , more important . This week I decided to swallow my pride and actually agree to " gamble " with money that was hard earned . What happened and what I learned is as follows . Wednesday , January 6 , I was digging through some of my mother 's stuff that she had in her purse ( the coupons that expired in 1997 made me laugh out loud ) and in it was two lottery tickets that hadn 't be bought . Basically what I think happened is that my mother went into a store , more than likely with my grandmother , and filled out two lottery tickets . Walked around the store for a couple minutes & then decided to not buy them for the fact that she probably didn 't have the extra ten dollars to do so . So instead , she shoved them into her purse which eventually fell to the bottom where she forgot they were and went on with her life . But then , I could be wrong . From that point on that 's all I heard about . The Powerball is over 500 million . All day - every time I turned around - I joked about it at one point saying " If I believed in signs I would totally buy me a lottery ticket . " I was joking , of course , because I 'm not a gambler . By Thursday night the boyfriend & I decided to buy a ticket - nothing special just a couple numbers . It wasn 't anything to get in a fuss over but I will say this much , I can 't speak for everyone that gambles or who has bought a lottery ticket in the past , but for a brief solid minute when I was handed my ticket I was calm . Nothing bothered me and I felt free . I felt as if there was nothing that would bother me again and all my problems were taken care of . I felt a sense of being free . Quickly many things ran through my mind that I could get or help with . I pictured a house and a new car ( need a bigger house & have had the same car for ten years ) , kitchen full of groceries , and new furniture . I pictured the looks on family 's faces when I handed the more money than they could even count in their heads . I pictured tipping a waitress 100 $ just because it would make them smile . I slammed myself back into reality because logically I knew that I wouldn 't win & wouldn 't be a multibillionaire . That 's common sense but we did play . We bought us a ticket and spent 15 $ . I waited two days until the numbers came out and nothing . I didn 't match one number on five games . It 's a saddening feeling when you realize that you 're not lucky enough to win something that could change you & everyone around you in an instant . Now I sit here and I wonder whether I want another ticket , or two , to try for the 1 . 3 billion dollars that it 's up to . The only thing I do know is what my grandfather once told me , " You will never win if you don 't play . " It 's the truest thing anyone has ever said . But I don 't know if I can afford to blow 15 $ to 30 $ again just so my numbers aren 't drawn . Now I find myself wondering how other people feel . Do they sit around and mope for hours afterwards because their numbers sucked and didn 't win anything ? Do they just toss the piece of paper into the trash and go about their day ? Did they , for a single brief moment , think this could change my mind & I hope I win ? The only thing I know for sure is that life goes on and I have dreams and such . Will my dream make me a multibillionaire ? Probably not - I 'm not Stephen King , E . L James , or some other author that has sold 10 , 000 , 000 books , made 5 , 000 , 000 movies and receive 100 , 000 , 000 dollars . ( That seems exaggerated . ) On a totally new subject , I haven 't talked about it much lately because I haven 't done much on it ( still editing ) but the book is slowly coming together . However I came to a stop - sort of . Ever since I began writing this story I have decided that it was a sandwich . Beginning is the bread , middle is the bologna , cheese , mayo , pickles , and the ending is bread . For a while I have felt like something was missing that I couldn 't pin point not that I haven 't tried . Tonight I finally realized what was missing . Of course , though , I cannot go into great detail . We 'll just say that now that I have figured it out , I can fix it . Sadly , at the moment , I don 't have the answers & & I 'm pretty sure it 's going to add at least three chapters into the story . This may be complicated … But all I do know is if I want this book to be half way decent , I have to figure out this pickle . Without the pickle I have a whole in the whole story . I wouldn 't worry about it but I have mentioned some of it . I could just take it out , but then I have to take out a lot more & & I feel like this needs to be in it . I just don 't know - I just know there is way too much to think about & & & not enough time to figure it out . Okay , that 's a lie - I have all the time in the world unless I want to finish this book completely by the age of 30 . Yes , I gave myself a two year gap . It 's not unreasonable to put a two year gap to finish a book that I 've basically finished . All I have to do is finish the edit process - figure out my pickle - edit again , read it completely through , throw it away because I hate it - dig it out of the trash because I worked too hard on it , flick off the nasties that the trash left on it , notice all of the pencil marks throughout it , edit again , and then print the finished project . Then of course I 'll stare at it and explain to the boyfriend the 5 , 000 , 000 reasons why I should not try and attempt to publish this book - one of which being , this book sucks butt and no one is ever going to want to read it let alone buy it . He will of course tell me that I 'm wrong , because that 's his job . Been in a reading slump . - everything slump . But lately this book has been on my mind . Going to reread it … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 1 month ago |
cheating , exhibitionism , first times , masturbation , pussy licking , shaving , slut wifeMy name is Karla and I 'm thirty years old and in my second marriage . My new husband David is purchasing a larger sailboat . We intend to do some cruising and he has a lot of free time and we would perhaps go on some lengthy trips . I had never learned to swim and at my age found myself enrolled in swimming lessons . I 'm fine with boats just never learned to swim . The idea is for me to learn at least enough to save myself and the fact I love water helps make it interesting for me . I was going three times per week to the club where David had a membership that offered afternoon classes and it was sort of nice that most of the people there were ladies . They were almost all much older then me but I knew a lot of them from the various clubs so I was comfortable . I had bought a couple of semi bikini two piece bathing suits . I modelled them in front of the mirror when I got home and didn 't really care for what first hit my eyes . I have long black hair past my shoulders and of course I have the same below and just a little too much of it was poking out around the edges of that narrow strip style of bottom . I decided to take care of that right away as my lessons started the next day . I went in the shower and let the water run on me as I soaped my tummy and pubic area until the jet black hair was laying down and almost looked like ringlets . I got a good lather with some soft lotion soap that would be easy on my skin . I took the razor that I use under my arms , clicked a new blade in it and started around the outer edges . I trimmed from the outside in until it was smooth and there was only a strip left . I shaved between my legs all the way along and worked at getting it even . I was left with a trimmed strip that barely even covered the centre part of my private area . I turned on the water and used the hand held to flush the bits of hair down the drain and then turned the warm spray on me and rinsed myself . I was a bit tender with slight razor bu ( more … ) at work , BDSM , cum eaters , domination , exhibitionism , masturbationSurprisingly one of my most interesting sexual experiences began with a sales competition at work . Three months prior to the experience I am about to share we set up a new sales team at our office comprised of three women . Up until that point my co - worker Matt and I had done all of the outside sales for the regional office of a large computer systems company . The new team , who we referred to as the girls , included Lisa , Marie and Jennifer . They are all in their early 30 's , unattached and are really cool . They all had a great attitude and worked hard and played hard . Each of them had some industry experience ; they got along like life - long buddies and were proving to be quite a good sales team . Although as far as Matt and I were concerned they couldn 't hold a candle to us . In January the company set up a little competition between our team and the girls ' team . Besides a nice bonus , the winners would get a trip to Jamaica . The competition would last for a quarter and even though the girls had us out numbered we felt we had a sure thing . We had the major accounts and knew the market . By the end of the first week in March we were $ 200 , 000 ahead of the girls and decided to invite them to happy hour to gloat a bit . We grabbed a big booth at a bar near the office and when the waitress arrived Matt and I ordered a beer . Lisa said , " Yes beers all around and 5 shots of tequila . " After our third round of beers and shots the girls were getting pretty rowdy and we were doing a good job of rubbing in our $ 200K lead . Then Jennifer stood up and said , " big deal , we 're going to kick your ass . " " Yeh right , " I responded . " Ok big guy , " said Marie " let 's sweeten the pot … if we win , you two guys will be our slaves for an evening , if you win we 're yours . " Matt and I were both dumb struck . " What 's the matter super salesmen , cat got your tongue ? " said Jennifer . I looked at Matt and said , " they 're nuts , " then I turned to the girls and to ( more … ) exhibitionism , fingers , first times , fucking , outdoorsLisa had always been the shy type , the kind who would rather sit at home with a good book or video than go out on a Friday night . The kind that was never prone to being spontaneous of taking more chances than was absolutely necessary in life . And so as she walked down the nude beach , towel in hand , minus all of her clothes , feeling very vulnerable , she wondered what on earth gave her such an idea in the first place . This was the most daring thing she had done since high school , and had only decided to visit this nude beach on her holiday after her best friend gave her a lecture on how she should do more to try an enjoy life , and take a few chances instead of sitting at home on her computer all day , or visiting her local library or sci - fi club . However , walking down this beach filled with people wearing only their birthday suits , and noticing the glares of men who were finding it hard to keep their bodies under control after seeing her beautiful figure , she had stretched her nerves to the very limit , and she quickly made her way to the south end of the beach and past the rock cliffs , where she had been told by her friend Kelly that few people went , and that Lisa would be safe there is she was feeling too threatened . She found a spot in the sand under the shade of a rock formation , and settled down on her beach towel with a good book after making sure every inch of her fair skin was well covered with sunscreen . The last thing she wanted was sunburn , especially on her breasts , which she thought would be quite unpleasant , and was not about to find out how it felt for herself . She stretched out her legs and wiggled the sand out from between her toes , taking a final look around to make sure no one was near before she allowed herself to relax in her naked form . Lisa hated to admit to herself that the sensation of wearing nothing in a public place was exciting her very much , and she couldn 't help the fact that her nipples were stiffening , and every now and again when a c ( more … ) Big tits , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , exhibitionism , slut wifeOne night , when my wife Peggy and I were making out and she had my cock in her hand and I played with her clit , she asked me about my buddies , the guys I played basketball with . They always make a big deal about her breasts whenever she comes to the games , or goes out with us afterward for beers . They tease her unmercifully . " Do they act like that with every girl ? " she asked , trying not to be too curious . " No , " I said . " They just go nuts over your boobs . They 're always asking what they 're like and stuff . " " Really ? " she said , her hand quickening on my cock . " Why ? " I asked . She blushed and hid her face against my chest . " I have this fantasy sometimes … " " Tell me . " " I go to the game and then afterwards , you guys take me someplace and I get drunk and you make me strip in front of your friends … and they masturbate while they look at my breasts . " The thought of her flashing those fabulous jugs in front of my buddies did give me kind of thrill . I knew the guys would go nuts if something like that happened . And the more I thought about it , the more it turned me on . I knew it would give her a thrill to show off her tits like that and I 'd been bragging for a long time how great they were to my buddies . Hmmm . About a week later , we had another game at the park and we won by a couple of points . Afterward , since it was Al 's birthday , we went to his house to celebrate . Peggy went with us , of course and Al made a pitcher of " Zombies " for everybody . It wasn 't long before we were all feeling pretty good , especially Peggy , who never drinks much . Somehow she had managed to down two of those damn things and was fairly plastered . You can always tell when my wife is drunk , she gets this " fuck me " look in her eyes that drives guys nuts . We were still wearing our shorts and t - shirts which by now we 're pretty rank so we ditched the shirts . As the evening wore on , somebody , Al , I think wanted a picture of the team wearing just thei ( more … ) cuckold , cum eaters , domination , first times , pussy lickingMy first creampie all started innocently but first , let me tell you a little about my wife . She is a beautiful woman . She is 37 , ( I am 38 . ) she has big brown eyes and long brown hair . Her long legs are what I noticed first about her . She weighs 120 lbs . She also loves to swallow . One day , while she had been sucking me for a while , I told her to stop or I was going to cum . I must have been leaking precum into her mouth for a while because she would swallow and smile . She looked up at me , while slowly sucking my cock . She said , " Baby you taste so good . Do you want to taste some ? " I didn 't know what to say . I had never wanted to taste my cum before . I didn 't want to disappoint her now , while she was being so playful . I said , " OK , if you want me too . " She just smiled and took me deep into her mouth . She started sucking harder and faster . I felt my load build up and I finally I exploded . I felt wave after wave of my hot spunk fill her beautiful mouth . I laid there waiting for what was next . She crawled up my body . I saw her face . Her lips were all shiny . Her cheeks were billowed out and she had a smile on her face . As she put her lips to mine , she pushed her tongue into my mouth . I immediately noticed a thick liquid enter my mouth along with her tongue . It was hot and a little salty but it didn 't taste bad . She then opened her mouth all the way and my cum poured across my tongue . She pulled back from me and asked , " Well , what do you think ? What 's the matter , the cat got your tongue ? I couldn 't answer because my mouth was so full of cum . I had to swallow at least twice before I could answer her . She began to laugh . She said , " You looked so hot when you swallowed that big mouthful of cum . It 's just too bad that the kids will be home soon , or I 'd let you eat me . I 'm so wet I can feel it . " The days went by and we didn 't mention it again . We had a busy week . We both worked every day to go away for the weekend . My in - laws were having an anniver ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , family , fucking , tiny titsI have been married to my wife for about ten years and we are very happy together . That doesn 't keep me from looking at other attractive women though . My wife 's littlest sister , Tina , is about 10 years younger than she is . Tina is in her last year at a large Midwestern university . Since you can do the math , I have know Tina since she was a small child . She has always been cute , but she has blossomed since high school . She is about 5 ″ 4 ″ tall with a great ass and legs that match . She has very small breasts though . Her lips are naturally rose colored and her dishwater blond hair beautifully frames her deep brown eyes . Since Tina was in high school I have fantasized about her but , obviously , I could do no more than that . After she left for college in a town nearby my fantasies continued but I was always afraid to try to do more . Tina was always very shy and seemed to lack confidence in herself . Even though she is beautiful and intelligent , she didn 't date . However , recently she started dating a guy and I have noticed a major increase in her self - confidence . She occasionally flirts with me now and I have flirted right back . I have been curious what brought about her rise in self - confidence so I thought I would take her to lunch and do some " investigating " . On one Thursday afternoon I picked her up at her apartment and under the guise of seeing how classes were going , I took her to lunch at a campus watering hole . When we arrived at the bar , we grabbed a booth and got our menus . While the waitress came by to take our orders , I watched Tina carefully . Tina 's eyes could make me melt and her skin looked like pearl . Earlier , when I picked her up I noticed her cut - off jean shorts . Now I noticed the tank top she was wearing and how tightly it snuggled up to her tiny tits . While we waited for our burgers we both had a beer . Conversation was a comfortable and the beer helped loosen us up more . I told her that I noticed how she seemed like a different person since she ( more … ) anal sex , big black cocks , bisexual , blowjobs , cuckold , cum eaters , exhibitionism , Fetish , groupsex , pussy licking , slut wife , swingersI 'm a shy , introvert , smaller - than - average endowed husband with a beautiful , extrovert , larger - than - average busted wife . We had fantasized for years about bringing other people into our sex life before we actually took the plunge . We decided that we would attend a swingers club in a neighboring town that a friend of Shelley 's had told her about . When we arrived at the club , the host introduced himself as Leo , a Latin looking guy wearing shorts and a muscle shirt . Leo immediately ignored me and , grabbing Cynthia by the arm , gave her the grand tour of the premises while I followed along behind . We walked down a corridor to a door marked " Gang - Bang Room " . The floor was upholstered and looked like one large mattress . There were also several raised benches , a circular bench in the center and mirrors on the ceiling . " Every Friday night is gang - bang night " , said Leo . " We allow single guys in and they , along with several of our male staff , show a lucky gal the time of her life . " " We 're more interested in swinging with another couple " I said . Leo shrugged and we went back into the corridor . He then showed us through another door with a large sign on it that read " Hot Wife Room " . The room had gray stone walls , high ceilings , and a large round red cushioned bench centered between two large mirrors . There were doors on each side of the mirrors but he did not offer to show us what was behind them . He explained that we were in luck that since it was Saturday , it was " Hot Wife Night " and looking at Cynthia he said that he hoped to see us later . He then pointed us to the locker room and told us to shower and put on the robes that we would find in each locker . Cynthia looked at me and asked if I was sure that I wanted to go through with this . I responded that I would if she would and gave her a quick kiss . With that she went into the Ladies locker room and I went into the M ( more … ) big black cocks , cheating , domination , fingers , public sex , slut wifeWe had arrived in my husband 's home town . It was really a small village with a main street that looks like it came right out of a painting . The town was decorated for Christmas ; all the lamp poles had colored lights running up and down them . A fresh carpet of snow blanketed the town ; this place could really get you in the Christmas mood . There were so many of his family members in town there was no room for us at his parents house so Don had already made reservation at a nice local hotel . This was fine with me as I didn 't really know any of his relatives very well . Don and I lived in New York and only had seen his family once or twice since the wedding . We checked in and the first thing Don did was asked about the pool . He loved to swim and the hot tub sounded good to me after the drive we had just endured . After dropping off our luggage at our room and changing into our swimming suit we headed down the pool room . When we arrived we found that we had the pool all to ourselves . Don jumped in the pool right away , I just grinned at him . He was a very nice guy and had a great job and education . He was well built and always had been good to me . He swam to the end of the pool and started another lap . I put down my stuff and started the hot tub timer . I slowly lowed myself into the hot bubbling water , the jets felt good and in no time a heavy foam was forming all over the surface of the water . It felt like heaven , my legs hurt , my shoulders hurt , and my whole body ached . I was just starting to relax when a whole family of black people burst into the pool room . There had to be at least two families ' that entered together . A handful of kids jumped into the pool and the adults went to the far end to sit down their things . I was annoyed at first but then I remembered it was almost Christmas and that a lot of people traveled on the holidays . The adults headed right to the hot tub . There were two older women maybe fifty or so and a man their same age . One o ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , first times , groupsex , slut wifeMy name is Randy , my wife is Jill . This story is how we made our lives exciting and probably saved our marriage . We had been married almost 8 yrs now and our sex life was dull at best . Jill was not very open about sex and sometimes she even acted as if it were dirty and disgusting . When I tried to talk about it and give her ideas , to get her to open up a bit , she would get mad and accuse me of not loving her the way she was . One day she was shopping at the mall and she saw a young woman being followed be several young men . She noticed that every now and then , the girl would stop and bend over or raise a leg or stretch across something . When she did this it would expose the slit between her legs . My wife , being just a little naive , confronted the young lady and said , " every time you bend over , your female parts are being exposed to all . " The young girl replied , " That is the whole idea . " Jill was astonished and asked , " What do you mean , you are doing that on purpose . " The girl responded , " It makes me hot to know other men are looking at me . " Jill just stood there for a few minutes and thought about it . At first she thought , how can anyone be turned on by something like that ? But as she was thinking about it she felt her pussy starting to get wet as it started to throb . Not something she was familiar with . Now Jill was a very attractive woman in her mid thirties . She was tall with very long legs . Her breasts were large and shapely . Her only problem was she was so conservative about her body . Even though she kept her body hidden she still turned a lot of heads . Jill started following this girl around the mall and watched . The more she watched the hotter she became . She found herself getting so worked up watching the young men watched the girl expose herself , that she had to leave and go home . Luckily for me I was home when she arrived . She had hardly set her purse down when she said , " I want you to fuck me right now " and she headed to the ( more … ) cheating , cum eaters , exhibitionism , first times , slut wifeI have to share this experience . I have always been turned on by the idea of wife sharing . My wife is very cute and small , and for some reason I am turned on when men give her that look . We expected these thoughts and ideas to remain fantasy . Tabbi was asked to dance once at a bachelor party . She of course refused , but I think it flattered her . She certainly made me hard when she told me about the proposal . We have teased with the idea since , but she always said that she could not do anything like that . Older men around the yacht club are always flirting with her . She dismisses this as cute and flattering . They are always polite and respectful as they shoot compliments at her . She thinks they are only only being nice . This is true , but she does not know about a particular serious offer from one older gentleman in his early sixties . He offered a nice sum if she would simply spend a little time on his boat and entertain him privately . He only wanted her parading around in a swimsuit for a little while . I wanted her to do it for free , but I did not expect her to do it . She was always too modest publicly . She is thirty years old , five feet , and 101 pounds . Therefore , everyone thinks she is even younger . Her bottom has a great shape that anyone can 't help but to notice . She keeps her toes perfectly painted and her pussy almost completely shaved during the summer . This makes swimsuits say you need to fuck me . Other than a little fantasy about what if she had danced at the bachelor party , I always assumed that she would never go through with anything sexual outside of our marriage except maybe a little teasing . She has teased a little when she was in the mood , but I never say any indications that she would ever do anything moreShe enjoys posing for me to take sexy pictures . These were usually tasteful nudes and never pornographic . We finally decided to have a professional photographer do a shoot with her in our home . I was a little surprised but extremely excited ( more … ) blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , fucking , groupsexI had heard stories about secret , underground parties held at a house off campus . Supposedly , they were the wildest parties you could imagine . According to the rumors , there was all kinds of crazy stuff going on there . I was very curious to find out first hand . One day I heard through the grapevine that one of these parties was going down that weekend . I had to be there ! The only problem was I had no idea if it was true , or if they 'd even let strangers in . Well , I figured there was only one way to find out . I decided I 'd have the best chance to get in if I looked sexy . I put on my tightest pair of jeans . They were cut so low that you 'd be able to see my pubic hair if I didn 't shave myself nearly bald . I also wore a tight , skimpy tank top that barely held my braless 36C breasts . If I bent over , they just about spilled out the top . I finished my hair and makeup and looked in the mirror . I thought I looked damn good . Good enough that any guy would probably let me into the party . I got to the house and saw a few cars . The driveway was long , and the house was set back from the road , so I couldn 't see what was going on . As I walked up the driveway I heard music playing and figured it was the right place . I was a little nervous , but went and knocked on the door anyway , not sure what I 'd say when it was answered . " Damn , hello sexy ! " said the handsome guy that quickly opened the door and stepped outside closing it behind him as he checked out my body , obviously focusing on my breasts . He was tall , probably 6 ' 2 ″ or so and looked like he had a great body . His facial features were incredible . He had a strong jaw line , great lips , and beautiful blue eyes . And he had very trendy , longish shaggy hair . " Hello sexy yourself , " I answered . " So you want to get into our party ? " he asked " Absolutely , " I smiled . " I hear they 're the best parties around campus ! " " Yeah , they definitely are , " he laughed . " But do you know what our parties are like ? " " W ( more … ) massage , masturbation , matureMy girlfriend and I once took a sensual massage lesson offered by the Learning Annex . It was a lot of fun and made me open to the use of candles , oil and taking your time with the opposite sex . It even helped my relationship with my difficult and demanding mother , for I would give her a neck and shoulder or foot massage occasionally . After a day or two we 'd find something to argue about again , but for a while there was peace . Two years ago Alice , a long - divorced friend of my mother 's was getting married , so mom threw her a bachelorette party . I think another woman arranged it , but it was at our house , and I was ordered to leave the house and not come back until midnight . At five after midnight I arrived home from my girlfriends after a decent night of sex and pizza to find the party still in full swing and a male dancer throwing himself all over the ladies . The dancer glared at me in open hostility . I glared back and went to the family room on the other side of the house . I guess he liked being the center of attention or felt my arrival stopped the flow of tips into his g - string or something . Whatever the case , he left shortly and the women returned to some drinking games and the opening of gag gifts . My viewing of Saturday Night Live was interrupted by shouts of my name . Curious , I went back to the living room and found that a collection was being taken to get me to give Alice a sensual massage then and there . It was my mother 's idea and she put her arms around me and did her best to convince me to go along . Other women clapped in agreement . I was tired , but agreeable . The person really needing convincing was Alice , who kept saying " No " . Some of the women plied her with alcohol to get her to change her mind and guilt - tripped her over all the money collected , a very respectable total of $ 73 . 00 . My mother gave me the money and told me to light a candle or two in the guest bedroom and heat up some oil . I did , but I fully expected Alice to chicken out . She 's a vice - principal at ( more … ) Big tits , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , pussy licking , slut wifeClaire and I were sitting at our Saturday morning breakfast table when I revisited an ongoing conversation that fascinated me , but one in which Claire usually showed very little interest - at least in the light of day . " You 've always liked getting felt up , right ? " " You know that . I 've never hidden it from you . But I 've also never hidden the fact that I 'm going to fuck one man in my life , and you 're him . End of conversation . I 'm NOT going to fuck Bobby . He 's nothing but a trophy hunter , and he 's not going to mount me . " The good news was that Claire was the top trophy at the bank - and would be in virtually any environment she chose to frequent - but Bobby would never get into her pants . She was a classy 5 ′ 2 ′ blonde with long hair and a tight body . She played tennis several times a week , and walked or jogged the other days . She had absolutely perfect tits and wore a 32 " C " bra , but didn ' really need it because gravity seemed to not notice how much mass she had attached to her chest . Yes , she was definitely a trophy , but she was a committed , one - man woman , and Bobby had no chance with her . Neither did any other guy . Still , I liked to tease her about Bobby - and other guys too . I knew that if anybody had a shot at her , it was Bobby - but , realistically , he had no shot either . So , I pressed Claire for details on a minor little incident at the bank on Friday . He had succeeded in separating Claire from the other women and used a pretty transparent trick in an effort to get a little tit . I tried again , cautiously , trying to build on what had happened the day before . " OK , " I said . " When was the last time you got felt up by another man besides me and Bobby . " " First of all , " she said , " To say that Bobby felt me up is stretching the concept a bit , but for the sake of argument , let 's say he did . That 's it : finis . It 's over . No more tit for Bobby from Claire . Further , if you keep probing , you might hear some ( more … ) blowjobs , first times , slut wifeI 've had some memorable experiences at some house parties , but none can really compare to one that happened a few years ago . The lesson is this : don 't be afraid to let the night take you where it will . A casual friend at work told me that he was having a party at his house that Saturday . It was nothing fancy : just a few dozen friends getting together to have drinks , listen to loud music , perhaps dance a bit , and hang out by his pool . The offer was made early in the week and sounded good . By the time Friday rolled around , however , I was beat . I thought I 'd spend the weekend catching some much - needed Z 's and watching baseball . But my wife would have none of that . I 'd told her about the party earlier on when I 'd gotten the invite . Renee said I could sleep in on Saturday morning , but that night I 'd better be ready to take her out for some fun . I could definitely see her side of things , so I sucked it up . I took a quick shower to reinvigorate myself and threw on some fresh clothes . Beginning to catch my second wind , I actually started to look forward to some socializing on the drive over . Upon arriving , my work friend Ray poured us drinks and introduced us around to some of the other people at the party . As we talked and mingled , Renee and I got separated for awhile . No matter . We 're not the type of couple who needs to cling to each other at a party . We 'd catch each other 's eyes from time to time as we moved in and out of different small groups of people . I 'd smile and she 'd smile back and wink . After a couple of hours , I felt a tug on my arm . Renee extracted me from a conversation I was having with another couple and pulled me aside . She was a little bit flushed and obviously tipsy . She explained to me how she 'd just been in the kitchen having a conversation with a tall good - looking guy named James . I recognized the name as that of another co - worker . Renee went on to tell me how James had been shamelessly flirting with her and how she 'd gotten a little turned on by ( more … ) cheating , fingers , fuckingKen was getting bored . The party , at least in his mind , had been a total waste . He sat on the couch , looking through his drink to the light in the living room , which was full of people socializing , chatting or otherwise . Ken had been completely and entirely unsuccessful tonight , which was very strange because he always ended up taking someone home when he went to one of Sonny 's parties . It was still early , only nine , and people were still coming , but he didn 't have an especially good feeling . Then he saw Brooke , drinking a glass of wine casually on the stairs . What a gorgeous woman she is , he thought . The softest looking brown hair flowing down to her full breasts , sparkling green eyes , and just the right complexion . Textbook stuff , he called it ; short nose , short forehead , pouty lips . Then of course there was her body , which her outfit didn 't exactly hide . Her long tanned legs and slender upper body were draped by a beautiful white and pink dress , a spring sort of dress . He shook his head , smiling , as his eyes met hers , and he walked over . " Didn 't know you 'd be here . " " You 're so full of shit , " he grinned . " You know full well I always come . " Brooke smiled , almost fiendishly . " Well , not tonight anyway . Usually if you don 't have a girl crawling all over you by now , you split for a club . " Ken was a very attractive guy . He was tall and built , very toned . He had brown mahogany eyes that shone when he talked to good looking women and slick black hair . Tonight he was in a light blue dress shirt with khaki slacks , and had left his jacket at the door . While they went on , Ken couldn 't help but wonder how she had been married to Frank for so long . After all , they were only twenty four , and a woman like Brooke could have anyone she wanted . Especially guys better looking , smarter , and a hell of a lot less boring than Frank . He liked the guy , but he had always doubted that he had what it took to keep a vixen like Brooke satisfied . Ken 's thoughts were broken as Brooke let out a ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , cum eaters , fucking , pussy licking , slut wife " Have a good night , Barry . " My wife turned and kissed me as she left to go clubbing again . She looked pretty sexy with her short black mini - skirt and a leather top . Her long black hair covered some of her large 36c breasts but she brushed it aside to show off . " You like ? " " Of course . " I said running my hand over her leather clad breasts . " You sure Sara can 't wait a few more minutes ? " My hand wandered under her skirt and between her legs now rubbing at her black lace panties . " Don 't worry , you 'll get that later , when I get home . You mind if I get freaky tonight ? " she asked coyly , a shitty smile crossed her face . She must be horny already . " Like what ? " already knowing the answer . " I don 't know , maybe giving some guy head in a bathroom ? " Her left hand pressing against my hardening cock . " I don 't know , " I sighed as her hand slid up and down the front of my pants . " Please ? " She whispered as she kissed at my neck . " I 'll tell you all about it , like the last time . " I couldn 't take anymore of her teasing , she had been doing it all day . " If you want to . " She turned kissed me on the cheek , and left with Sara , one of her girlfriends . All night I couldn 't get the picture out of my mind that she was probably giving some guy an awesome blowjob and him cumming allover her face in the process . She had been out several times and the last time this guy had her hands down his pants while begging for a blowjob . I didn 't know about it until the next day , she told me while we were fucking , but she didn 't give him head for fear of pissing me off . After thinking of it nonstop I finally went to sleep in anticipation of my wife arriving home . cheating , fucking " Does she have to stay here ? " I asked my wife . " Yes she does , she 's my sister , " my wife replied . " You know she has nowhere else to go . " My sister had just called my wife and said that she had finally packed up her bags and left her cheating husband . After she left , she called my wife to ask if she could stay with us for a few days , until she figured out what she wanted to do next . Of course my wife said yes . " Well , when is she getting here ? " " Not until this evening . She 's taking a plane this afternoon . " " Well , I hope she 's a little easier to live with than I 've heard . " " Oh , I think you 'll find her fun , " my wife said , and went off to work . The last time I had seen my sister - in - law was almost five years ago , when she was in college . Back then , she was quite the party animal , was up all night , and never slept . I was really hoping that wouldn 't be the case now , especially because she was going to be living with us for awhile . When I got home later that day , my wife had already gone to pick her sister Misty up from the airport . So I went out to the backyard and did some yard work . A couple minutes later , I heard the front door close and my wife and sister - in - law were home from the airport . When I started to go back inside I looked up and saw Misty . My jaw instantly dropped at what I saw . What I saw was without question the hottest woman I 'd ever seen in my life . I immediately went back outside because I couldn 't even talk with her in my shocked state . I stooped by the back window so I could still see her as she talked with my sister , and stared . Standing in my house was a perfect form of a body . Her long legs gave way to a slender waist that led to by far her greatest feature … her large tits . Not only that but she was wearing some sort of tight , form - fitting exercise clothing that showed off every curve of her body , with some definite cleavage up top . I tried to gather it together , then I walked inside . " Hi John ! " Misty immediately said . With that , she ran and gave ( more … ) big black cocks , cheating , teenMary was a very attractive but shy 18 year old who was born and raised in Iowa . Mary was about 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighted in at about 100 pounds even . She had wavy blonde hair and beautiful light blue eyes . She had had a sheltered life and she knew it . In her high school graduation class there were only 6 black students . Mary was always raised to be friends with everyone , but only close friends with people like herself . It would have been a scandal in her family if she would have ever dated one of the black students . Mary herself was friends with the black kids , but admittedly thought she would never date a black person . Mary had had enough of her small town and to her parents disappointment had decided to go to a college in Chicago . When Mary met her room mate Tasha and discovered she was black , Mary was a little nervous . After a few weeks though Mary and Tasha quickly became friends and Mary felt bad for many of the stereo types that she had about black people . The one thing that did bother Mary was Tasha 's brother Tyrone and 2 of his friends . She felt that these 3 represented everything bad about black people . They were truly ghetto ! All 3 wore baggy clothing like the rap stars wore with their large platinum chains and spoke in their gansta slang . The worse thing though was the way they stared at Mary , it made her so uncomfortable . When ever Mary came into the dorm room and these guys were around they would look her body up and down and snicker . Tasha had warned them to leave Mary alone but they kept it up . Deep down the thing that made Mary the most uncomfortable about the guys staring at her was the fact that it was starting to turn her on , especially Tyrone . Besides the way he dressed he was an attractive guy . Mary was short and had always been attracted to large guys even though her last and only boyfriend was only 5 feet 9 inches . Tyrone on the other hand was on the college basketball team and stood at 6 feet 5 inches and was about 220 pounds of all muscle . One day while ( more … ) first times , lesbian , pussy lickingShe came back into the locker for the third time in about 5 minutes . I wondered if she had lost something - but she did not appear to be looking for something she looked like she was searching for someone . I had just put the last of my clothes in my locker and grabbed my towel , when my hair clip fell on the floor . I bent over to pick it and flipped my long blonde hair forward and twisted it quickly . I heard a soft whistle from behind me and glanced over my shoulder to see what the fuss was all about . With my hands still clipping my hair high up on my head so that I could slip a bathing cap over it , I saw the woman that had been searching the locker room was now staring at me . She was an elegant looking woman about 30 , with shoulder length ebony hair . Her skin was a creamy complexion ; it almost glowed under the lights . The navy blue bikini hugged her like a lovers touch . Her green eyes were sparkling as she glanced over my body from head to toe . " Can I help you " , I asked trying to break the tension that had settled in the air between us . " I certainly hope so . I seemed to have lost my cell phone . I was hoping my friend was still in here and that she could help me find it , but she has left . " The shapely woman said in a husky voice . " My name is Sarah . " She said as she extended her hand to me . " Kelly . " I replied and shook her hand . " Are you here for the therapy pool or the lap pool ? " Sarah inquired . " I always start with the lap pool then the head over to the therapy pool and finish in the hot tub . " " Same her , but there is a birthday party going on in the lap pool . One of the physical therapist 's 8 year old daughter has about 30 of her closest friends in there . They have the pool for another 30 minutes One of the perks of working here I guess . " " If you need to use my phone , here it is . " I reached into my locker grabbed it . I held it out to her . " Thanks . " Sarah took my cell and dialed in a number . The phone beeped once , Sarah glanced down at the screen and ( more … ) at work , blowjobs , fucking , pussy lickingThe call came late the night before and so I told the gal I 'd be there first thing in the morning unless she wanted to pay plumber overtime . She didn 't . It was five to seven that next morning when I pulled into the driveway . I gathered my tool pouch and was about to close the door of the van when a woman came out onto the side porch and waved me over . She was dressed in a pair of shorts that came high on each thigh , low at the midriff wearing a white shirt with the tails tied above her waist and open to a single fastened button midway down between her breasts . She wore strappy heels probably three inches high and was likely five years older than I am . Her hair was worn in that old - fashioned Page boy look . She explained the problem as water running out from the cabinet below the lavatory basin whenever the basin was emptied or the tap was running . It 's a common enough problem when the trap corrodes on the way to the drain . Enough corrosion and you have a hole . I told her I 'd have to see it to verify the problem and she asked how much I charged . I explained that I could give her an estimate after seeing it and then for some reason she asked if I was an independent or one of those plumbers that works with a fleet of trucks and plumbers . I 'm independent . As she walked me to the bathroom she asked if I had a lot of work that had to be done today and I explained that I had several jobs to do yet but there was no real emergency on them and that was the reason I 'd moved her to the top of my list last night . I was right about my suspicion of the problem and gave her a verbal estimate . She accepted . I had to go back to my van to get a new trap and another wrench and returned a couple of minutes later . As I entered the kitchen again from the back porch entrance there was another gal standing there talking with the first . She had the same hair color and many of the same features except she was shorter and closer to my age I assumed . She wore shorts also but a transparent blouse wit ( more … ) anal sex , cheating , exhibitionism , familyWe had been in and out of the pool most of the day , and Andre , Elizabeth 's boyfriend , and I were relaxing in the hot tub . Mom had taken the kids earlier to play miniature golf , and were not due back for a couple of hours still . My husband Michael and Elizabeth came out onto the patio , having changed out of their bathing suits . " How does pizza sound ? " asked Michael . " Good by me ! " said Andre enthusiastically . " Alright then . I 'm not familiar with this area , so Beth is going to come with me . Anything else we need to get while we are out ? " " More beer ! " Andre said again , with a smile . " I want some more Diet Coke , " I said , " and mushrooms on my pizza . " We called out a few more things , and the two of them left . Andre hopped out and walked over to the cooler , picking out fresh soda and asked if I wanted one , which I did . I watched his wet suit cling to his bum as he leaned over the cooler and for a minute fantasized about seeing him naked . Beth had told me a number of times about was sex with him was like , and I was envious . Michael is great , but we 've been together for 15 years now , and things have settled into their ways . As Andre headed back to the hot tub , I caught myself staring at the suit that clung to his manhood and wondered what it would be like fully erect and in my hand . My nipples grew erect through the thin fabric of my light blue one piece , and I considered slipping lower in the water to hide them , but decided to let Andre see them . He put the drinks down on the edge of the tub and slipped in , moving to the other side of me and sitting down on the little bench , our hips touching . He reached across me for his drink , his hand and forearm sliding across my ample breasts ( all 40DD of them ) and he definitely felt my hard nips running along his arm . As he drew his arm back , he pretended ( badly I should add ) to twist to look at something over his shoulder , purposely pressing his arm harder into my breasts as he did so . I let it go , letting him have the ( more … ) cheating , exhibitionism , public sex , slut wifeI woke with the sun shining through my bedroom window and smiled . My wife , Hayley and I had discussed going to Cobbler 's , our favourite nude beach , that day , but a weather report the night before had said it might rain . It was , however , ' perfect beach weather ' , as they say . Hayley was already up . I got up too and walked downstairs to the bathroom . Hayley was in there having a shower . I walked in and had a piss , then turned to watch her . Hayley and I have been married for three years . One of the first things that had attracted me to her was that she was , like me , an exhibitionist ( in fact , on the night that I met her in a bar , I had been watching her dancing when I saw that she had let her blouse fall open so that her tits were hanging out ) . She loved posing for nude photos ( some of which I had posted on the net ) and when I told her that I liked going to nude beaches , she told me she had never been to one but was keen to see what it was like . She loved it , of course . Hayley is 32 years old , and while I 'm biased , I think she 's gorgeous . She has long , red hair , a wide , sensuous mouth , blue eyes and pale skin dusted with freckles on her face , arms , legs and the top of her chest . She is of slender build , but has large , slightly pendulous breasts with pale pink nipples . Her pussy is naturally covered with a mass of curly red pubes , but she usually has it shaved , especially when she plans on going nude in public , so that her slit can be more easily seen . Hayley had just finished washing her hair . " Don 't forget to shave , " I said . " You want to do the honors ? " she asked . " My pleasure , " I said , picking up my razor from beside the washbasin . Hayley stood with one foot on the raised side of the shower , and rubbed a bar of soap over her crotch . I knelt down in front of her . There was about a week 's growth of red stubble on it which I carefully shaved away , pressing my thumb over her slit towards the end of the operations so as not to cut her puffy labia . When sh ( more … ) anal sex , Big tits , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , first times , groupsex , pussy licking , slut wifeIt was " girls night out " and Amy really needed to get out with her friends and let off some steam . Work was driving her nuts and she hadn 't just cut loose and relaxed in months . She dressed pretty casual , but still sexy . She had on her red silk low cut top that really showed off her great 36c tits . She wasn 't wearing a bra , and her long blond hair was pulled up into a high ponytail . Her make up was flawless , and her red lipstick perfectly matched her shirt . Although she as just wearing jeans , they were tight and her ass really filled them out . The lace of her black thong just barely showed over the top of her jeans . She put on her wedding ring , diamond earrings that matched , along with a matching diamond solitaire necklace . She wasn 't dressed to thrill , but she couldn 't help but look hot . " Where are you off to dressed like that ? " Her husband Steve asked . " I 'm going to go out with the girls , and blow off a little steam , work 's really sucked lately and I deserve it . " Amy casually replied . " A little steam , huh ? If I didn 't know better I 'd say you look like your going out to get laid . " Steve said jokingly . " Me ? … I could never do that . " Amy said shyly . " I don 't know , look at how you 're dressed , you 're lookin ' pretty hot . . " " Well … . I . . Uh " she paused . " Too bad . . I 'd have to give you such a spanking for being such a bad little girl … " He said playfully . " Mmm … you 'd like that wouldn 't you ? " The words rolled off her tongue suggestively . Amy and Steve were very much in love . They had been married for five years , and Amy , although very sexually free at home , was incredibly faithful and quite shy away from her man . They had both fantasized about her having wild nights of sex with strangers , and although she wanted to try it , she was too shy to ever think about making it a reality . Her pussy began to get a little moist just thinking about . " We 'll just have to see how ( more … ) anal sex , big black cocks , Big tits , blowjobs , cheating , slut wifeMy name is Tom and I am an Australian guy . And just had to tell you all about the best sexual experience I ever had . I spent a couple of years living and working in London , sharing a 3 bed apartment with my best friend Jamie and his black friend Mick . I and Jamie worked together in the same department in a large company , working with several women of all age groups and had a great time working and flirting with the women there same of whom were married . We 'd spend time with them after work in the pub on a Friday night and because we were the only men in the department we would always flirt that little bit more with them once we 'd all had a few beers , they certainly seemed to enjoy the attention they got . Anyway lets bring you to the night in question , it was the departments Christmas party , set in some trendy restaurant in London not to far from where we lived . The night started slowly but after the meal , and several drinks later everybody was up dancing away on the dance floor . Jamie was dancing slowly with a married woman from the office called Terri . They seemed to be dancing very close and Terri seemed to be enjoying the attention Jamie was showing her . Now Terri is an attractive lady in her 30s married for about 10 years , slightly chubby but all in the right places , big tits about a 36d and a sexy mature butt . Anyway once the song had finished they came back to the table and Terri looked a little flushed , and headed straight for the toilets , I asked Jamie what happened up there on the dance floor and he just said he 'd just had a little fill , and told me to dance with her next and try my luck , so once she returned I grabbed her arm and took her to the dance floor , we danced to a slow song and she was certainly getting turned on as she kept squeezing my butt so I kept rubbing my hands over hers and holding her very close to me so as I could see down her blouse and look at her cleavage . After some more drinks and dancing between the two of us Ter ( more … ) |
Copyright - Keith R Wilson - 2016 Tag : fiction The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list So , here I am , the madwoman in the attic . I always knew it would come down to this . Wait , that 's not all . I got an angry drug dealer who used to be my boyfriend and all his henchmen after me ; my current boyfriend shot me in the arm ; and the Spellbinding Fish Fry are playing in Ohio by now . Can things get any worse ? The Fry have got a song where they say when things get bad , just go through all the things you 're grateful for . That 's what I 'll do . Just like in the song . They start off with some things about the sun and the sky , but I can 't start there because I 'm stuck in the attic and can 't see either one of them . But , let 's see . There must be something I 'm grateful for . I got drugs . Not just Vicodin or Percosets , I 've got a guy bringing me oxies . That 's what he does for me . And he gives me all of them , even though he has a broken collar bone and all I got is a bullet graze on my arm . I 'd rather have some weed , but that would entail going to my drug dealer ex - boyfriend , hazardous for him and impossible for me , so we have to settle for what he can get from his doctor , his dentist , the good people at the emergency room , and any other doctors he can find . The oxies put me in a permanent state of suspension from my body , like the two of us have agreed to disagree and are calling it quits from each other for a while . My body 's always been better off without me , anyway . We get along better this way , if you know what I mean . I got the nicest guy in the world , who thinks he 's in love with me . He isn 't the guy I 'd pick because I don 't pick nice guys , but he 's a guy who brings me drugs and straightens out these old dresses I sleep on every morning like they 're a bed to be made . He brings me food when I need it and even a pot to piss and shit in . Then he empties the pot so I don 't have to go downstairs . As nice as he is , I figured out he 's not one of the thirty - six people alive who 're keeping the world from being destroyed . He got disqualified when he shot me because no one like that would 've shot anyone for any reason . That 's why I don 't mind him shooting me so much . It takes a lot of the pressure off me , having to keep him good , so as not to destroy the world . The fact that I don 't have to keep him good means that I 'm free to fuck him , but the weirdo never wants to fuck . I 've quit asking . He 's always afraid his sister will hear us . There 's something about those two I can 't put my finger on . It 's like he 's really married to his sister and I 'm the mistress he 's trying to keep a secret . A mistress he never fucks . Notice that I said he thinks he 's in love with me . I didn 't say he is in love with me . He doesn 't know me . In fact , all this love is getting in the way of him knowing a thing about me . It keeps him from seeing me for the loser I am . So , he keeps loving me , which is what he wants to do . He just wants to love someone , so he invents someone to love . Notice I didn 't say I 'm in love with him . Although , he 's cool , I guess . It doesn 't make any sense , but it 's the love he thinks he has for me that 's getting in the way of any loving I could do . It 's like he doesn 't need it from me . I can treat him as bad as I want and he 'd still go right on loving me because he can 't see a thing . If things keep going on like this , I could end up hating him because he pays no attention to me , even though he 's up my ass constantly . Chai Latte is the guy I really love , for all the shit he 's done to me . I think it 's like this . You don 't fall in love and then choose a person . You choose them first and then fall in love with them because you chose them . And you choose them before you know them , so you don 't really need to know them to love them . In fact , it 's better if you don 't know them . Also , only one person in a couple can choose . That 's why only one person can do the loving . The one who doesn 't do the loving ends up hating because everyone wants to be the one who gets the choice , even though it 's hard and you 've got to work hard and get beat up . That 's the way it is . It 's not the way we want it , so it takes a while before we understand . For now , I 'm happy being the one loved , rather than having to do all the loving . It 's easier that way , even though I don 't get to choose . Screw choice . For whatever reason it 's important , I guess I have to include on my gratitude list the fact that the sister doesn 't know I 'm in the house . When I worked at the cafe , I 'd see her come in wearing her long dresses and cardigans , no matter how hot it is outside . She asks me if I 've seen him and , when I say no , she looks like she wouldn 't believe anything I would say , anyway . Then she gets a look in her eye that tells me there 's a whole lot of crazy going on . I got this attic all to myself . There 's a broken window on one end and a good one on the other that 's really dirty . Birds fly in and out whenever they want . It 's like I 'm a bird in a cage and the real birds are free to come over and see me . They whistle their songs to me and I learn to whistle them back . It makes them happy when I talk like them . When I get bored , I go through the boxes up here and find all the things these people kept and forgot they had . That 's what gratitudes are , I guess . Stuff we got in the attic and didn 't even know we had . The Fry ought to add something in their song about that . I 'll have to tell them . No gratitude list would be complete if I didn 't add the Spellbinding Fish Fry . It breaks my heart that I can 't be with them right now and I left my music behind when I ran out of Chai Latte 's , but I got all their songs in my head . Anytime I want , I can just sing them . It also warms my heart to know that out in Ohio , they and all the Deep Fries are working hard to bring peace , love , and understanding to the world . I am starting to see that , when I get more understanding , it changes what I know about love . I don 't know about peace . Peace could turn out to be very different from what I imagined it would be , just like love . It might turn out to be something I don 't want , either . My boyfriend can 't find me here . The drug - dealing boyfriend , Chai Latte , I mean . He 's going to be pissed when he finds out I 'm gone and even more pissed when he finds out I took the money under his bed . I would 've taken more if I could carry it . I would 've taken less if he hadn 't been such a prick . But then I wouldn 't have needed to run away at all , would I ? When I 'm not snooping around the attic , I 'm counting my money . Three thousand hundred dollar bills . More than this girl has ever see in her life , certainly all at once ; probably more than I got from every shit job I ever had . So , what am I doing , hanging around in this attic like a madwoman , or a caged bird , or a kept mistress who never gets fucked when I 've got all this money ? That 's the thing that erases all the gratitudes . I can 't leave because of that prick I love , Chai Latte . He 's got to be watching my car and he 'll kill me . What was I thinking ? I never should have let the nice guy drag me up here in his attic , but I thought it was a good idea for someone to love me . I should have taken off while I could have . Now , I 've got to lay low for a while , at least as long as the drugs hold out . Then I make my move and do my part in spreading peace , love , and understanding to the whole world . Peace and understanding at least . Posted on April 29 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista writes a gratitude list Rabbi ! shares a parable You may be wondering , Dear Reader , why I , S Harry Zade , don 't come right out and tell you what happened to the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . Why do I dick around with these long digressions ? What is it with the rabbit trail of the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat ? Who cares about the agonies and the ecstasy of Kenilworth 's resident saint when there 's real action going on . Time is money , you might be saying ; let 's get on with it . Enough of this swirling around suburban streets ; where 's the highway ? Indeed , enough of the journey ; it 's time we arrived at our destination . Are we there yet ? Similarly , you may also be wonder why I , S Harry Zade , as a literary stylist , don 't favor the pared down style of simple , direct , and unadorned prose that 's so much in vogue . Less , is more , the writing teachers say . Take out all necessary words say the resident geniuses at Bread Loaf and Iowa Writers Workshop . Remove everything but the minimal necessary to convey meaning . A journalistic style was good enough for Hemingway ; why isn 't it good enough for me ? Well , there 's a couple reasons why . One practical ; the other deep . The practical reason is that I 'm a fictional character whose sole purpose in life is to be your narrator . I live to tell stories and will get killed off the moment I 'm done telling them . In a sense , I 'm paid by the hour and will linger by the time clock for as long as I can before I punch out . The deep reason is why you should indulge me . It 's what you get out of it . It justifies bushwhacking through the brambles when you could be at camp , eating s ' mores by the fire , already , before stretching out for an early bed . Of course , I can 't just tell you the deep reason ; I have to impart it my own way . It reminds me of another sermon by the Laughing Rabbi , as he told it to us at the Epiphany Cafe . There was a man who lived way up in the hills and ate nothing but raw wheat , which he grew himself . Day in and day out , nothing but plain wheat . It sounded horrible to us . No caramel almond milk lattes , no peanut butter cookies as big as a dinner plate , no cheesy smushed paninis , no scones , no danishes ; why , not even any sandwich wraps . The man came to town one day , got hungry , and looked for something to eat . None of the stores had raw wheat . None of the restaurants served raw wheat . He walked into a bakery . They had something which they called bread . They sold him some bread . It had a hard , flaky crust on the outside and a soft , warm , fragrance inside . The showed him how to drizzle honey on it and he ate . " I 'll have that , " said the man from the hills . He ate the croissant with strawberry jam , just like they showed him . " How do you like it ? " asked the baker . " Can I get you anything to take home with you ? " asked the baker . " Besides bread , croissants , and cupcakes , I also have biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls . Maybe you 'd like to try them ? " " Why would I take anything home with me ? I already have wheat , and eat wheat every day . If wheat is the basic ingredient of everything you make , then I 've already had it all . " The laughing rabbi laughed . We didn 't laugh . As laughing rabbi stories go , this was one of his better stories ; but , what did it mean ? We didn 't get the point . Ever since the enlightenment , Western men and women have been preoccupied with narrowing everything down to the essentials . This has resulted in the elocution of the laws of physics and all the advances of science ; but it has also given us reductionism in philosophy and fundamentalism in religion . It 's brought us impersonal architecture , unrecognizable art , and incomprehensible literature . We have turned people into numbers and governance into bureaucracy . We would just as soon interact with machines than people . We 've dismissed everything that makes life worth living as mere fluff . We have become a civilization of wheat eaters . So , there you have it . What would you rather have , Dear Reader ? Bread , croissants , and cupcakes , biscotti , danish , muffins , scones , turnovers , cookies , pies , tarts , cakes , baguettes , and rolls , or raw wheat ? Posted on April 9 , 2017April 8 , 2017Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on Rabbi ! shares a parable The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The Geeky Guy had seen a bottle of hydrogen peroxide around the house , somewhere . He was looking in all the possible places without resorting to asking his sister or going downstairs , where his sister might speak to him . He moved the broken electronics that were blocking the linen closet door : TVs , flat and bulging ; phones , cordless and corded ; radios , big and small ; fishing boat sonar processors ; VCRs ; laptops ; printers ; fax machines ; scanners ; barometers ; GPS receivers ; CD players ; woofers and sub woofers ; all the treasures he had picked up on garbage day and said he 'd fix . They were all in the way now . He had found the greatest treasure of his life , shot her , brought her home , and needed to fix her ; but he couldn 't find the damn peroxide . She said it was OK , she 'd heard it wasn 't good for wounds , she 'd just use soap and water . She said she didn 't need a hospital , it wasn 't that bad , it had only grazed her . She said she was glad he came , thankful he found her , sorry she hit him with a baseball bat . No , she 'd rather not go to the hospital . A doctor was unnecessary . She didn 't have insurance . This was the perfect place to hide . Chai Latte would never find her here , in this house . No one would come to look for her here , it looked haunted , and no one would suspect she was with him , the Geeky Guy . He needn 't worry . It was fine . He should be doing something for his shoulder . But it wasn 't fine . The peroxide wasn 't in the medicine cabinet , either . Nor , in the bedroom . Nor any other place you would or wouldn 't expect to find it . He came across some ancient gauze his parents had bought twenty years ago for an occasion just like this . There was some first aid tape , so old it lost its stick . There was some disinfecting stuff you sprayed ; but not the peroxide . What was the use of having peroxide if you couldn 't find it when you needed it , when you shot the girl you regarded as your wife and she was sitting on your bed in your bedroom , where no girl had been before , bleeding into the sheets . The sheets were none too clean to be bleeding into , she thought , as she sat bleeding into them . The Lisping Barista was never one to be too fastidious , but she had limits to the grodiness she could accept . She looked around . She wasn 't the most organized person in the world , but she had never seen anything like it . He could barely open the door to squeeze in the room . From there to the bed there was a path where you couldn 't put two feet side by side . Even the bed was partly covered by electronics . A desk had soldering equipment , a bright light , bins of screws , screwdrivers , and pliers , but no peroxide . The room was more of a workshop than a living space . She was relieved when the Geeky Guy , later , after he had given up on the peroxide and dressed her wound , said that she couldn 't stay where his sister could find her . She would have to hide in the attic . It was a major project just to get to the attic door . The door was right there , in his room , behind boxes , piles of laundry , and a garbage can that hadn 't been emptied in ten years . He , with a bad shoulder , and she , with a a bullet hole , together moved the objects , as if they only had two good arms between them . At last they could open the attic door , and they went up the stairs , brushing back the cobwebs , and seeking the chain of a single , bare light . The house on High Street had been in the Geeky Guy 's family since it was built in Victorian times and , since the family had never left , the attic accumulated the detritus of generations . Dusty furniture . Hat boxes . An old daguerreotype camera with a black hood . Trunks that hadn 't been opened in a century . Paintings that only briefly saw the light of day . At one end of the attic a window was broken and allowed the entry of starlings . Though the dirty window at the other end , a streetlight shone . A dressmaker 's dummy produced a headless silhouette against the light that caused them both to come up short . The Geeky Guy thought it was the black ghost of his mother , come to reproach him for clashing with his sister . The Lisping Barista thought it was his sister , who was known to be otherworldly creepy . When reason took over , they cleared a space on the floor , and made a bed out of some old dresses . Once the Lisping Barista threw out the whalebone corsets and arranged a bustle to serve as a pillow , the crude mattress wasn 't half bad . The attic was as crammed with junk as the rest of the house and anything they disturbed would precipitate bouts of sneezing . On a scale of luxury , the attic couldn 't compare to the soft bed , multiple pillows , and fine thread Egyptian cotton sheets of Chai Latte , but the Lisping Barista felt safe with the Geeky Guy , even though , less than an hour ago , he had shot her . The Lisping Barista , being who she was , as soon as she got comfortable , began to get amorous . The Geeky Guy , being who he was , was unprepared for this . He could play the part of Knight in Shining Armor to a T ; but , when it came to sex , he was lost at C . As usual , she was more than willing to make up for his hesitation with her stimulation , but a problem began to arise . It seems that , when one is shot , or hit on the shoulder with a baseball bat , it doesn 't hurt so much at first . Adrenaline , endorphins , shock , crisis , surprise , and relief take over . Then you get busy looking for the peroxide . It 's not until later , after you bring your love home to stay and after you make a bed for yourself out of silk dresses , that it starts to hurt ; and , when it hurts , it hurts like a son - of - a - gun . They discussed a solution . The Geeky Guy would go to the hospital and have someone look at his shoulder . He would say that he had engaged in some sort of a construction project in his house and a beam fell on it . He would get it x - rayed , have them sling a sling , and above all , bring back plenty of Oxies . On that last point , the Lisping Barista was insistent . Percosets would do if they wouldn 't give out Oxies , but he had to come back with something . Don 't act like you want them too much , don 't ask for them by name , but don 't leave for home without them . They needed Oxies enough for both of them and she wasn 't going to go to any hospital where Chai Latte would find her and the cops would start asking questions about why she was shot . She couldn 't go , so he had to and bring back the Oxies . Like she said , Percosets would be fine and even Codeine would be better than nothing ; Fentanyl would be lovely . And she was going to need them more than he because , after all , it 's a more serious thing to be shot than to have a tap on the shoulder , but don 't tell them it was just a tap on the shoulder . Tell them it hurts and you can 't sleep , and you can 't do anything , because of the pain , so they give you plenty of Oxies . The Geeky Guy said that 's what he 'd do and she made him practice saying it . My shoulder hurts so bad . It 's a ten on a ten point scale . I 'll be careful not to abuse them . I don 't want to get addicted . Ow ! Eww ! Damn it , that hurts ! Thank you . Is that going to help ? It was a good thing that the Lisping Barista made the Geeky Guy repeat his lines . He wouldn 't have known what to say . Moreover , he wasn 't paying close attention . His mind was on the headless dressmaker 's dummy in the attic and on the bodiless head of his mother that had been tossed on his lap . Posted on January 4 , 2017December 29 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags F , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista and the Geeky Guy nurse their wounds The High Street Witch pets her cat With such a large cast of characters associated with the Epiphany Cafe , it 's inevitable that I will neglect someone . You may have been wondering what the High Street Witch has been up to . Now that the Lisping Barista has swung her bat and the Geeky Guy has fired his gun , you may be thinking it 's high time we returned to High Street to see what the witch is doing . Well , if so , today is your lucky day . We 're heading there now ; and so are the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista . The witch was sitting in the front room , petting her black cat and cackling at her sitcoms , not far from the door through which they entered . The Geeky Guy had never been the type to sneak in ; but he never brought a girl home with him , either . Theirs was an ancient house , a warren of undersized rooms which were filled with piles and piles of junk ; creating a labyrinth of passageways to insure that nothing could escape . He was sneaking in now , relying on the stacks of newspapers by the door to avoid her questions . The sitcoms were not so absorbing so as to occupy all the High Street Witch 's mind or her senses . Nothing her brother did ever got past her , although she may not understand it all . She hadn 't been like a mother to him all these years for nothing , although it seemed that way now . She had eyes in the back of her head , like a mother , and she had ears by the door . In fact , she was more of a mother than their mother had even been , as she often found a reason to say . Her brother had been acting strangely , ever since that girl infiltrated their lives . He came home very late from the date and never told her a thing about it . He 'd always told her everything , even when there was nothing to say . Then , she heard he bought a coffee shop . A coffee shop ! Except for drinking coffee , what could he know about coffee shops ? But , if going on a date and buying a coffee shop was all that had happened , it would 've been quite unusual , indeed . But nothing could hurt as much as the single , cruel , selfish thing he did , then . She had left college the very night of their parent 's accident without even packing her stuff . She got on a Greyhound bus that worried through every town , till she arrived at the hospital and found him sitting alone with his clothes covered in blood , too sad to even cry . She never returned to school , foreswearing her own life , in favor of devotion to his . She never asked for anything in exchange , but there was one thing she liked . The very night she returned , he took a bath and dressed pre - pubescently in his PJ 's . She walked through the rambling , dreadfully desolate , old house and thought , how could only two fill this space ? When he went to his room for the night and she went to hers , it was as she was totally alone in the world . No , worse than that . It was as if she had been thrown off the world and was hurtling through the vacancy of space . It was then that her little brother did the most wonderful thing . He knocked on her door . And she did the most natural , motherly thing . She opened the sheets to let him in . They spent that night in full embrace . Two lost children , there for each other , with no one else in the world . That 's the way it had been for years until the High Street Witch found out about the girl , went to the coffee shop , and attempted to cast her spell . You remember the spell , don 't you ? The cruel , calculating , guilt - inducing accusation , designed to preserve a stagnant status quo . " You wish I 'd died with them ; don 't you ? " she had said . " You wish you had my decapitated head under your arm , too . Then you 'd be free to do what you want . " The spell had always worked before . Whenever he would say he would sleep in his own room , she would cast the spell and they would be back in her bed that night , her head ironically tucked under his arm . But the night he returned from that date , he did the cruel thing . He went straight to his old room , evicted the broken electronics they had piled on the bed , and slept there , without a word . It just wasn 't fair . So , now he was coming home with that girl , whispering by the door . They didn 't even stop to explain , but went straight upstairs , leaving the High Street Witch to her sitcoms and the cat . When the footfalls settled upstairs , the cat startled , clawed her legs , and darted to the kitchen , its tail high . As the laugh track on the sitcom guffawed , a lone tear , cast off its faltering orb , careened down the witch 's cheek . Posted on December 21 , 2016December 15 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The High Street Witch pets her cat The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway Chai Latte had no reason to ring the bell when he got home ; he had a key . But he might have forgotten his key , so the Lisping Barista thought it was Chai Latte , who rang the bell . His ringing the bell and her answering the door , definitely made it harder for her to hide behind the door and clobber him over the head with a baseball bat . The Geeky Guy expected that , when he rang the bell , there would be a fight before he could get in . He was ready for a fight , he had a gun ; but hearing the Lisping Barista saying come in sounded like a trick . Nonetheless , he turned the knob , pushed the door , and let it swing open . He switched the safety off on his gun , and took a step , not so far as to pass the door ; but just enough to block it . This is the way we step into the future . This is how we receive the knock at the door . With pistols drawn and bats raised , on the defense , expecting the worse . This is how the future enters , how change appears . Rabbi ! once said that , when God finally arrives to wipe away all your tears , you 'll shoot him in the chest . When the World to Come comes , you 'll clobber it with a bat . When God opens the prison door , you 'll assault Him before He takes two steps inside . You 'll bite the hand that removes your chains , kick the shins that brings you hope , squirm in the arms that carry you home . You 'll murder hope before it has a chance to speak . You 'll slay every dream you ever had . You 'll mistake perfection for deception , confuse what you 've always wanted for what you 've always got . Rabbi ! had planned that sermon and tried it out on us in the Epiphany Cafe , but no one believed him . The Lisping Barista had been there . She heard it , but said it was far fetched . She was certain to recognize peace , love , and understanding when it finally arrived for good . The World to Come had already come for her , if only for a few minutes at a time . When it comes to stay , she 'd welcome it with a scream of delight , just as she greets all the Spellbinding Fish Fry 's songs . The Geeky Guy had been there as well . He heard Rabbi ! 's sermon ; but didn 't believe it any more than anyone else . He had always seen things differently ; so , while everyone else mistook the World to Come for something else , he would see it for it was . He 'd recognize it from the schematics , he knew the command language . It 's easy to identify perfection , there would be no error messages . The Geeky Guy 's finger felt for the trigger . The Lisping Barista took another grip . We gave Rabbi ! so much trouble for his prophecy that he never delivered it to his congregation ; but he knew he was right . Little Theresa knew this , too , that we murder deliverance . She had a little statue in her room , a crucifixion , mounted in dung , depicting that very thing . But Little Theresa was not one to give sermons , at least not the kind with words . The Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat also knew this well , although he didn 't know that he knew it . He had killed off every promise that ever arrived . All those ghosts that spoke to him tried to bring him help , but he wouldn 't let them talk . He preferred his salvation packaged in a bottle , with a convenient twist - off top , and the promise of a nickel when returned . That moment , in which the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista were preparing to kill one another , was a moment marinating in irony . It wasn 't a long moment , although it seemed eternal . It was a tableau of the human condition , a representative scene in which a person , any person , every person , will exterminate the very thing they most need . It was also a moment long enough for the Geeky Guy to prepare a plan . The plan was for the Geeky Guy to place his hand on the door and swiftly swing it closed as he pivoted in that direction and pointed his pistol at Chai Latte 's chest . It would only take a second . In the next second he 'd pull the trigger . In two seconds it would all be over ; but first he 'd have to get through this eternal moment . The Lisping Barista had a plan , too , although it was the same plan she had from the beginning . She 'd clobber this man , who she believed was Chai Latte , over the head . Then , she 'd walk out the door , free , without worry that he would follow . She knew that she only had one swing , so she 'd better get it right . If she missed , then Chai would take the bat away and use it on her . In the next few moments she would either be free or dead , both outcomes equally desirable . The next move had to belong to the Geeky Guy . His plan , to place his hand on the door and swing it closed , was a simple operation ; but even simple operations can be screwed up . The Geeky Guy was not experienced in home invasion . If he had been , or if he had taken the time during the eternal moment to plan thoroughly , he would 've known to place his hand on the doorknob , out of view of the person behind the door . As it was , he inexpertly placed his hand over the edge of the door , revealing his plan to swing it closed half a second before he could execute it . This half a second was long enough for the Lisping Barista to spot the hand , predict what was about to happen , and recognize that the hand did not belong to Chai Latte . Chai Latte 's hand had a lot of rings . She knew these rings because , when he would strike her in the face , it was his rings that did the striking . His rings made quite an impression on her . This hand had no rings . It was the hand of the Geeky Guy . The Lisping Barista knew how to swing a bat . She had played softball . She knew that she had to start early , react quickly , and not think too much about what she was doing . The half second was long enough for her to start her swing ; but , after seeing the hand did not belong to Chai Latte , it was not long enough for her to stop it . The very next moment , as the echoes of the shot reverberated through the neighborhood , before the blood began to flow , before the pain set in , was spent with the Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista looking at one another , taking in the moment with all its delicious irony . They needed some time to catch up to the rest of us , to know what we 've known all along . Perhaps they remembered Rabbi ! 's sermon and how he prophesied the event , how we try to kill whomever or whatever tries to save us . If the moment before had been a tableau , depicting human resistance to change , the next moment was a second scene that followed the first . The second one illustrated the uncertain moment when two lovers realize they 've wounded one another , as lovers are apt to do . They both gasped . Posted on December 14 , 2016December 10 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags fictionLeave a comment on The Geeky Guy and the Lisping Barista meet at the doorway The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head I have to do this right away or I 'll change my mind . You know , Option # 7 ; the clobber Chai Latte with a baseball bat one . As soon as he leaves , I get the bat and wait by the door . While I 'm waiting , I got this song going through my head . It 's from the Spellbinding Fish Fry . They call it , One Heaven . It might be my favorite . It goes like this : Yeah , I know . You got to be there . The song goes on like that for a hundred verses with all kinds of categories . Every time I go to a concert , they got more . They don 't call them spellbinding for nothing . Anyway , it 's a feel good song . They 're all feel good songs . They promote peace , love , and understanding . The first time I went to hear the Fry I was meeting friends . I couldn 't find them , so I make my way to the stage , turn around , and work outwards , you know , so I can see faces . Everyone 's smiling and I start to get paranoid because I think they 're all laughing at me . I 'm about to lose my shit right there in the middle of the concert ; but , then I realize , hey , it 's feel good music . All these thousands of Deep Fries are just feeling good ; that 's why they 're smiling . They 're not laughing at me . I used to think I could be down with peace , love , and understanding . One heaven for everyone was good for me . Now I 'm not sure . What 'll I do when I get to Heaven and Chai Latte 's there ? I hate it when he comes home . I hear his key in the door and I wonder how he 'll be . No , I can 't see spending eternity with Chai . A couple weeks is bad enough . For that matter , what about Hitler , or Stalin , or Attila the Hun ? How 'd you like to be in heaven with them ? That would be totally whacked , sitting on a cloud with Osama Bin Laden and strumming harps with Vlad the Impaler . I know what you 're saying , they got Hell for that kind . They don 't let them into Heaven . St Peter turns them away at the door . It makes me feel real good thinking of Chai at the end of a pitchfork , getting roasted with his feet in a block of ice . I like that . But then I think , if I like torturing him so much , doesn 't that make me as bad as him ? What 's worse , beating up your girlfriend a couple times when you 're drunk , or clobbering a guy with a baseball bat and wanting to fry him in Hell forever when you 're stone cold sober ? No , I 'll have to get my shit together before I show up in Heaven . They won 't let a bitter , vindictive type up there . Otherwise , I 'd be like the one guy at a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert not smiling , arms crossed , scoffing at how naive everyone is , not even taping my foot , much less dancing in the dusty infield . OK , so , maybe I don 't have to send Chai to Hell . God 'll do it for me . Or St Peter , or some other bouncer dude they got up there . But that doesn 't work either . Then you got God not smiling when He 's supposed to be the host . You got St Peter checking off from a list of wrongs , scoffing at people , because they 've got the balls to line up for Heaven . You got a bouncer dude standing around with his arms crossed , saying with his eyes , just give me an excuse to kick your ass . That doesn 't sound like Heaven to me . Heaven , to me , is like a Spellbinding Fish Fry concert . Everyone 's happy and loving everyone except , maybe for a few walking around , thinking everyone is dissing them . Hilter , Stalin , Attila , Osama , Vlad , Chai , that whole evil crew , getting uptight and paranoid because they can 't imagine a place where everyone 's happy . I 'm about ready to forgive Chai Latte and plan on smiling at him when we I see him in Heaven ; but then I hear the door . I 'm standing behind it with a baseball bat . If I don 't clobber him , I 'm fucked . Posted on November 30 , 2016November 20 , 2016Author S . Harry ZadeCategories At the Epiphany CafeTags Battered women , fictionLeave a comment on The Lisping Barista Gets a Song in her Head The Geeky Guy Goes Out in the Rain to Get the Meaning of Life The next day it started raining , tentatively at first , like a long - silenced wife who , for the first time , is asked what she thinks . Soon the sky was packed tight with clouds and the drops got bigger and bigger , until the rain filled the world with a heavy beat , suggestive of a long - suffering wife smashing the dishes . It was like a disease of rain , dull in its unvarying monotony , smothering as a fever , cruel as suffocating phlegm . It fell over all of Kenilworth ; over the Head Surveyor , whose transit fogged ; over the Town Cop , whose brim ran rivets ; over the Weather Beaten Man in a Cowboy Hat , who huddled under his dumpster ; and over the Crazy Dog Lady 's dogs , who saved their shaking till they got inside . It inspired Rabbi ! to write a sermon about Noah . It pockmarked the Connecticut River and gave it strength . It flooded Abraham Pierson 's grave and dampened Chai Latte 's drugs , but it did not extinguish the Geeky Guy 's desire . The Geeky Guy still grieved over the one he regarded as his wife , the Lisping Barista . No little bit of rain , or ocean full of rain , would dissuade him from what he thought was right . He would go to her , claim her as his own , and set her free . He had a gun and could make it happen . Perhaps we should pause for a minute , if only because he failed to , and examine why he felt this way . We should ask the question of him that the Therapist Emeritus would have asked had she still been there . We should seize hold of the Geeky Guy , hang tight to his sleeve , and demand one thing of him before he goes . We won 't ask him this , though . You won 't because you are just a reader and cannot leap into the pages of a book and affect its outcome . I won 't do it because it 's raining outside , the Geeky Guy has already left , and I don 't want to get wet . It wouldn 't do any good , because the Geeky Guy wouldn 't know how to answer and , if he did , he wouldn 't know how to say it right . You see , it was not the Lisping Barista that he was trying to save ; it was the meaning of his life . It was not a relationship he needed to preserve because , in truth , he had no relationship except that of employer to employee . The Geeky Guy thought his life had no meaning other than the Lisping Barista . It had no meaning before she arrived , and it would have no meaning if she left . Having meaning in his life never seemed an important thing before she had said yes . He used to go to work every day and tinker with his engineering projects without one . He 'd come home and tinker with his electrical projects without one . Days , years , and projects came and went without the Geeky Guy ever thinking about their purpose . But when the Lisping Barista did come into his life , bearing its meaning , he began to believe it was an essential thing . A meaning , you see , is very powerful ; more potent than a gun . A gun can only kill you , but a meaning can affect your whole existence . Without meaning , he came to believe , there was no reason to have been born . The Geeky Guy should have been more careful about where he had found the meaning of his life and what he did with it . He shouldn 't have found it in the Lisping Barista , who was a fickle thing . He should have found it in his engineering , which was built to last ; his electronics , which kept a charge ; or even his sister , who rarely left the house . He could have taken up charity work , written the Great American Novel , or found a cure for cancer . Any meaning of life would have been better than adopting the Lisping Barista as the meaning of his . It was bound to end badly . He should not have acted as though the meaning of life was so precious that it needed to be hoarded whenever found . He could always find another . In fact , meanings of life are quite plentiful , like stones on a Connecticut hillside . You can 't walk a hundred paces in any direction without stubbing your toe on a dozen of them . To put it another way , each meaning of life is like a lungful of air ; no sooner are you done with one when another comes along to replace it . The Geeky Guy was acting as if he had come upon a fine lungful of air and had to keep it because he might not get another . He also made the mistake of thinking that the meaning of his life was like a riddle that had a single answer . The meaning of life is not like a problem in mathematics , which either adds up or doesn 't . It 's more like a design problem ; there 's a million ways it can be solved . There is no right answer and there was no one but him who could give him a grade . At least the Geeky Guy did not make the usual error people make regarding the meaning of life . At least he didn 't fret over whether the meaning of his life was worthy of his life . Perhaps he felt his life was not that valuable and that any meaning would be good enough and better than none at all . At any rate , she was a sufficient meaning and he was determined to keep it . Having a meaning of life meant something . It meant he had something greater than life , something he could exchange for life . It meant he could die , for if his life had meaning , so would his death . It also meant he could kill . |
I am Lynn Wiltzius - This blog was started for my children who were miles away at the time . Now it 's just about a stitcher / quilter and what goes on around me . A Crafter 's life changes over time . This is about what time brings into my life . Like most , changes are made as the years go by . Pages Woke early this morning . Played my games and waited on Patrick to get up . Had to make a trip to Ruth 's house . I did get a few steps in but not nearly as much as I should ! Maybe bowling tonight will help me out . lol Patrick likes to watch bowling on TV . While we were watching the Pro 's , I was finishing up my QOV quilt . The binding is done , and the quilt is finally done ! I have a finished project ! This was quilted by " 9 Chicks Quilting " and she did an awesome job . I appreciate what she did for me . Now I just hope the person getting it will appreciate it as well . This is the end result . I do like the pillow case . It was done with all the scraps I had from the quilt top . I enjoyed working on it . I took a little bit to get the top right . I had to add some red at the end because it was a little short . Both are in the wash as I write this . I was able to get quite a bit done here too . I 'm working from the right to the left . Once I get a good amount done , I will roll it again . I actually enjoyed quilting . This area is so tight to quilt in , that I think I 'm going to do minimal work in that area . If I keep this up , I 'll be out of this area and then can get moving on getting the quilt finished ! I don 't know why this area seems to keep me from quilting . BUT this is on my 3 months finish projects ! So , I 'm going to work on it ! I will post my quilt on Instagram for my finished project . I 've been amazed at some of the things others have been finishing ! They are working a heck of a lot faster than I am ! ! Guess I better get moving . Tonight we are bowling my " other son " and Phil will be there to root for both of us . How much of a bet Phil cheers Dan on more than us ! lol They are brothers who are so close it wouldn 't surprise me . Life is getting better , still praying for Jana Freeman and her family . Hoping she makes it , but it 's not looking good . In the meantime , I keep myself busy and try to keep my mind off of all the sad things going on around me . That means I 'm still Happy Quilting ! This morning I woke early . Got up and relaxed before Patrick got up . We went grocery shopping instead of the casino . That was a good thing because I didn 't want to go to the casino and then come back to go shopping . After shopping we went to the movies . I really enjoy animated movies ! We did the " Panda 3 " movie . I liked it . A little different but it was good . Just so one knows what I 'm talking about when I say " I do the corners by hand . " I mark it and then I hand stitch it . It works out better for me than sewing it done . I should be able to get the pillow case done tomorrow . Right now I 'm going through photos of our last meeting ( not this last Thursday but the one before ) and need to post it . I 'm still waiting to see what happened on the last meeting to post it . When I rely on others it gets hard to get stuff done in a timely manner . That 's life ! Today I enjoyed being able to decide what I want to do and do it . I got up and went over to Donna 's to get some blue to make that pillowcase . Then I went to the post office and the bank . I came on back home . I did that all in about an hour . It was nice to see I could go and get back in a good time . They turned out awesome ! Even Patrick liked them . I must have made 10 dozen ! So , I 'm going to freeze some . It will be nice to have cookies in the freezer and when I get in the mood , I can go and get them out of the freezer ( one at a time ! ) . I think Patrick already ate a good dozen , so may not have as many to put in the freezer as I thought I would . After that I ended up calling my insurance company about my " procedure " I had to do on the 8th . Come to find out , Patrick 's work changed the insurance on us and we now have a deductible . We never did before . Got it all straightened out . Come to find out , the City changed the rules . Talked to Rose today . She took her cat into the vets yesterday . She found that her cat has some " cists " ( spelling ) and need to take pills for another ailment . She decided not to spend the money on her cat since she already 12 years old . I agree with her . . . but then it 's not my cat . We chatted and I told her about Charlie and how we let life take it 's course , but then Charlie was 20 years old . I realized when I took this photo it was the beginning of the binding and not where I am on it . No worries , one gets the idea . I 'm about half way done . I worked on it all afternoon . I had to take a few stitches out because I was stitching all the way through . I made sure I didn 't keep doing that ! I can 't wait to get back to adding more stitches on this . I want to get my next cross stitch project in the mail and get going on it ! I 'm actually excited about working on the next project . I 'm getting inspired when I check out Instagram ! I 've even got inspiration on the quilts . I asked mom to find out what it might cost me to have one of my quilts quilted by a machine quilter . Kathleen Ament is really good . I have a quilt that I did years ago at Nancy Chong and Margaret Miller 's retreat . When Patrick got home we went to McMenamins to a movie and dinner . We had a good time . I thought the movie was better than expected . We got home to a message from mom asking me to call her . She told me a very dear old friend , Jana Freeman , was in the hospital in Canada under a coma . She 's been that way for 21 days . Her family is going up there next week . It would be sooner but they had to get their passports renewed . They were told to get up there because it doesn 't look good and she may not make it . She is my age . We were good friends in school and I have been keeping in contact with her through Facebook . This is two days in a row ! Mom called me yesterday to tell me a very dear family friend , " Chaplin " Rodgers passed away in Dec . They had just found out . He was 92 years old . We were stationed with him in Japan and when we got to Ft . Meade , Md . I had been in contact with him since we left . He took me in when I needed a place to go for National Bowling . That was over 30 years ago . He called his wife " Rabbit . " I can 't remember why but everyone knew her as " Rabbit . " I told Patrick I didn 't want to talk to mom anymore - getting tired of bad news . I 've been emotional all day and then to get one more thing on top another ! - - - UGH I will continue to do what I do best , play games and craft ! I may want to hide for a few days ! Oh , crap , that won 't happen , tomorrow is Saturday ! . . . . . . . . Happy Quilting ! Today I was able to sleep in . I was surprised at how tired I have been lately . Chances are it 's because of the cold I 'm still trying to get rid of . It 's gone into my sinus ' and that 's no fun ! lol I played as usual . Then I pulled out my book I finished ! It was one of JoAnne Fluke 's books . I love the cookies she has in those books ! I decided to make one of the cookies in there . This is sitting till tomorrow when I 'll back them . It 's " Walnuttoes " that is a lot of chocolate and walnuts . I ran out of walnuts so I cut up some of my slivered almonds to take it 's place . I hope it is just as good . Her book tells of how she finds things in her kitchen to replace some recipes ingredients . I just hope it works in my favor too . lol I went out walking too . I had a small walk . Ran into Toby who drives his dog around the neighborhood . It 's so funny . That poor dog is BIG but she 's a kick ! I posted this on Instagram . It was a challenge one of the guys had . I was on a timer . It actually is backwards to what I had to do . I did the art in the bottom right first . Most of them put that in the top left . We were timed for each block . The first one was 4 minutes . I figured I did pretty good considering I hadn 't done that kind of thing in over 20 years . I did enjoy working on this . Who knows , I may try again later on . May even do something like this in embroidery . lol I 'm working on the binding of the QOV quilt . I found one of my binding pieces is a good 1 / 2 " bigger than the other sides . I 'm going to try and see if I can fold over that among and not have to rip it out and do it again . I was debating on this but think I can do it without too much trouble . I do the corners by hand , so I can work it out . Today was our tAS meeting day . I wasn 't in the mood to go . So , I stayed home . I texted a couple people to send me the information on what the day was about . Every one of them was not going either . I won 't be going next time either . I have way too much going on in my life , that I decided I would stay home and get more done - or at least make myself believe that . Like today , I really didn 't do a lot , but it looks like I did . Just before Patrick got home I was working on my Mturk ( Amazon ) . I now have 321 things done , but Phil told me a long time ago that 2000 is where I want to be to get better stuff . I 'm getting there . Decided this year I would work on them . I did get 3 surveys done today . I 'll keep working on it . Thought I would take an hour a day to work on it . We 'll see how that goes . I only did $ 15 worth last year . lol Now I need to get moving on the binding . Cross stitch will have to wait till it 's done . I need to find the labels . I 'm going to see Donna in the morning . I need to get some fabric for the pillowcase . Will probably come home and work on that after I get back . She has a doctors appointment up there on Tuesday , so will meet her at the QOV meeting . Not too crazy about going by myself , but I can deal with it . Plus I want to pick some stuff up . Today was another one of those days . I really didn 't want to get up this morning . That 's okay because Ruth called and woke me up . We chatted about her trip and what I needed to do for her . By the time she was done , I was awake . She left early this morning . I headed over to Michael 's to get some beads . We are having to bring some of our beads and stuff for scissor fobs . Monday is Brazilian embroidery and we are going to see what everyone has for the fobs . I got 40 % off and that came in handy . I had to go online to get the coupons . Yep , I actually did some sewing on my machine ! I had to " quilt " two pieces of fabrics for the hot pads . It didn 't take long and I was in the mood . So , I got a lot more done than Rose did . She was getting stuff and seemed to be busy figuring out where she put stuff . I 've had those days ! It 's usually me that goes through that . Then she fell and I left early so she could put a cold pack on her ankle . This is what the hot " bowls " look like . I have the flower as the outside and the sun fabric as the inside . I need to make a couple smaller ones . It was quick . I also need to go buy some 100 % batting to do the others . I then came home . I was earlier than usual which turned out okay with me . I set my sewing machine back up and worked on the binding of the QOV quilt . I decided to use the red for the binding . I could have done blue , but think the red would work great . I now need to get a little more fabric from Donna for the pillowcase . We have a QOV meeting on Tuesday so I 'm going to try and have it finished by then . I 'm trying to figure out how I want to do the pillowcase . Tomorrow I will be working on the binding and getting it done by the weekend . Tomorrow is our meeting ( TAS ) at the quilt shop . I 'm really not in the mood to go , so I 'm going to stay home . That way I can go see Donna on Friday for a quick visit . I really don 't want to bother with getting everything ready and go to the meeting . I 've got way too much stuff going on and I 've decided I want to have more time at home and not have to run around all the time . Not that I get that much done at home , but I do like my peace and quiet . I still miss my Charlie . . . . it 's no fun without her ! I 'm getting there . I realized the fabric I have that I used today , was for a background . I have a quilt in mind and my just do it ! It 's applique , so I can get working on it . OH NO ! I 'm thinking of a NEW project . . . quit that ! ! Oh , heck - Happy Quilting ! Today I was up and ready to go . I had this day for Art . We went to the Red Wing casino . I even did a game for Patrick and brought him home some money . I didn 't make money but had a good time . Art won as usual . He 's one of the luckiest people I know - other than my two grandmothers . Me , I did okay . Came home around 3 in the afternoon . Patrick took the afternoon off as well . So , we got caught up on " The Biggest Loser . " I do like watching that show . Between last night and today , I finished the butterfly then worked on the border . I 'm now working on the grasshopper . I like the way it 's coming . I did notice that the " roll " area is a little dirty . But then when it 's sat for a good 6 months , that would make it dirty . I had it in the plastic " case " but that didn 't seem to help much . I do like the way it 's coming along . At this rate I may have it done for the finish - a - long . I 'm heading over to Rose 's tomorrow . I have to take my sewing machine ( ugh ) as she has something she wants to work on . I cut some fabric 12 " x 12 " for whatever it is we will be doing . It will be interesting to see what she has . She tends to have an idea for us to work on something and then by the time 4 hours have gone by , we haven 't finished one thing . She said she 's made some and that it doesn 't take long and I 'll like them . We 'll see how it goes . I 'll post whatever it is that we will be doing . Thursday is TAS meeting day . I 'm not sure if I 'll go . I hate weeks like this that keep me busy three or more days a week . I LOVE my time to myself . I do need the time with others though . I actually had a good time today . I was playing games on my own . Funny how I did enjoy being by myself . I was in a good mood , so that helped too . Art does his thing and we meet up for lunch . After the keno tournament we come home . If I can figure out how to " link up " for those of you that follow me , I 'll put it out there . I haven 't figured out how others have the linking working . I need to do some reading to figure it out . When I do , I 'd love to have others link up to my blog . I want to get working on the binding of the QOV quilt . I did find the corner that the quilter said she had to fix . I can 't figure out what I did . I thought I had my corners perfect or close to it . She said I was 3 " off . Not sure what she meant . There is still basting stitches there . I will try and applique it down so it doesn 't come apart . I 'll do that while I 'm stitching the binding on . Again , here I go ! Thinking of things I NEED to do and not thinking of what I 'm doing . If I keep working on one thing , it will get done . If I keep thinking of other things . . . . who knows . . . . I 'm back to being like Donna 's dog = " Squirrel ! " and off I go being side tracked . That still keeps me Happy Quilting ! Trees are Gone . . . Looking Good . Today I started out the day with a walk with Ruth . We had a good walk . Afterwards came home and got some laundry going . I 'm still working on the laundry . . . forgot to keep it going . . lol I did go out around the house to take photos of the trees that were being worked on . This was one of the trees that got trimmed . The second tree was dead so they took it out . So now this one is standing alone . We HAD four big trees in this area . This is what 's left of that area . I do miss it ! I loved having the trees there . They were like fence . I knew I had neighbors but they didn 't seem that close before . Now it 's seeing them RIGHT there . Oh , ll . This tree is gone too . This one I don 't mind seeing gone . We had cut it down twice before . Wonder how quick this will come back . lol Patrick said he will get some root killer , but don 't know how fast he 'll do that . It may grow back by the time he thinks of it . At least I still have these trees in my front yard . And these trees on the other side of the yard . I do love my tree . They really don 't look good right now because of the winter . When summer comes it 's going to be really pretty . I pulled out the ships quilt and worked on it today . I watched another murder mystery on TV and was able to put in a good 2 hours on this . Got the sashing , sails , and the white area done . I need to work on the ship and water . Then I can move to the other side . Then I took an hour and worked on the cross stitch . It 's coming along nicely . I figured if I split my time between the two , I 'd get that much farther along . Who knows . I did go downstairs and cut the binding strips for the QOV quilt . I will probably do that on Wednesday when I get home . I am going to Rose 's to work on something she has in mind . Tomorrow I 'm off to the casino with Art . Looking forward to it . Haven 't seen him in awhile . I do miss not going over to play cribbage . It will be fun tomorrow . I 'm hoping to get more done this week . It 's another one of those busy weeks . We have our Thursday TAS group and I 'm not sure if I will go or not . I 've lost a little interest in going lately . Who knows , I 'll probably go . Happy Quilting ! Yesterday was one of those days when we left early for the casino then headed to mom 's to go out to eat . We went from the casino to Tacoma all in one day . It was a busy day . We celebrated Patrick 's Birthday at the Spaghetti Factory . The old building was closed and we ended up going to the new place for the Old Spaghetti Factory in Tacoma . The traffic wasn 't much fun either way . Just got back from bowling - not so good today - and will finish this up . I will say I didn 't get my 500 series and don 't know how but we won 3 games . I dropped 2 pins on my average . . . not too thrilled but really didn 't feel good bowling . Most of the day we were hearing the chain saw going . Our neighbor asked if we would let him take down one of our trees that was causing problems with the roof of the duplex . He also said he would take out the dead tree that was between the others . Patrick said that would be fine since he was paying for it . We would pay some for the tree by the garden . It was dropping leaves that was causing problems in their yard too . The funny part is that tree was taken down at least 2 times since we have been living here . This will be the third . Patrick is going to get some root killer so it doesn 't come back . He really didn 't like that tree much . As they were cutting one of the other trees , they found the one tree that I wanted to stay was diseased . That meant it was going down too . Patrick talked to the guy and they decided the oak in the back needed to be trimmed , so that would be done as well . We had a dead tree next to a good tree , and he is now taking out the dead tree so the other one can live . Our place seems bare ! I miss those trees ! But it 's better than having the trees fall on the neighbors house or our garage . There are two tiny trees where the others came down . Hopefully they grow fast ! I 'll take photos after they are all done . I finished up the bottom border and worked on the butterfly . I really didn 't spend a lot of time on it . When Patrick started watching bowling , I went to the computer room and worked on family history . I added more information on both sides of the family . I also found that my gr - grandfather 's sister died in WI . I didn 't realize they all moved to WI . They lived in Peru , NY and then moved to WI . I also figured out there are more to that family then I have listed . I don 't know how I 'm going to figure out who the first wife was . It 's going to take some work , but I 'm hoping to be able to do that yet . I went downstairs to see what I 'm going to do about the binding on the QOV quilt . I may do red and blue strips . I don 't think I have enough of either color to do it as one color . I am just cut it and see what happens . I need to figure out what to do about the pillow case . I 'll have to text Donna and see if she could get me more blue and red to make one . I decided I was tired of being in the house , so called Ruth to go walking . When I walked down to her house it started raining . We decided to do a short walk back up and walk the cul - du - sac . By the time we reach my house the rain was coming down again . She told me , " Get in the house before you get sicker ! " lol At least I got my walk . My ears are " blooping " and can 't wait to get my hearing back . Otherwise , I 'm good . It turned out okay , not quite what I was wanting . The flowers are the piece of fabric I was given to work with . When I laid the fabric down on it , it worked . When I put it together , it didn 't work . At least not the way I wanted it to . When I got back from walking I found a box at our door . It was the QOV quilt ! I was so happy to see it back ! Kathy Westphal did the work . 9 Chicks Quilting is what she goes by . This link is a Facebook link . Not sure if she has a website . I know she is on Instagram too . It turned out pretty good . I 'm happy with it . Tomorrow is Patrick 's Birthday celebration with the family . We 'll go out to eat . It 's not till Monday , but we do the nearest weekend to have family get together 's on Birthdays . I started making the " Winter Wonder Log " that I 've had the recipe for years . It 's one of the families favorites and it 's so easy to make . I think I posted the recipe a few years ago on here . It 's basically pistachio instant pudding , 1 cup milk . Mix together , let sit for 5 mins . Add in half a cool whip tub ( 8 oz ) . Add pudding mix to the Chocolate Wafer Cookies and stack . Lay the stacks on wax paper . When all the pudding and wafers are done , wrap the roll . Tighten ends . Refrigerate the roll for 2 - 3 hours ( or longer ) . When ready , take the other half of the cool whip and frost ( after you have unwrapped it ) . You can add chocolate shavings , cherries , or what ever you want to decorate . It 's really good . Got the recipe from Bird 's Eye . I have the roll in the frig till tomorrow . I 'll frost it when we are ready to eat it . I 've started working on the butterfly . It 's coming along pretty good . I am going to finish the left side of the butterfly and then finish up the frog . It 's really been a relax to work on this . I was thinking I need to work on the flowers of my Baltimore Liberty block and get that done . Funny how one thing I work on reminds me of what I need to work on next . I 'll try and get my binding done on the quilt , then I can call that one done . So far this year , I have only finished the block . . . guess IIt 's still a little cold and too lazy to go downstairs to work on my quilt . . . . but then I can 't complain when those living in KY to DC are having a snow storm . I hope everyone is home and not going out in that mess . I lived in MD 30 years ago . The only time it got that bad was that year when the plane crashed on the bridge between DC and VA . That was either the last year or the year before we left . I received my Quilter 's Newsletter today . I was thinking if I had the money and the time , I would get a magazine out there that has newer patterns , applique , and fun stories in it . I used to love getting my magazines in the mail . Lately I can 't find anything inspiring or fun to read in them any more . Looking forward to getting back into walking . Problem . . . . Ruth is leaving for a little while on Wednesday . . . guess I 'll be walking on my own for a little while . I 'm hoping to get back downstairs to quilt too . Happy Quilting ! They always say a cold takes 7 days or a week . Take your choice , either way it 's the same amount of time and I 'm almost to 7 days . Still stuffed up . But hey ! I 'm getting better and that 's what counts . Afterwards I looked around to see what I felt like working on . I decided I wanted to get Bev 's block done . As much as I didn 't want to work on it , I didn 't want to wait till the last minute either . I finished up up the petals . Then I had to take the bottom stitches out to put the feet in . Once that was done , I was ready to finish up the bird . Got the stem done on the background flower . Also finished up the leaves of the other flower . Now I need to put the stem on and then I can sew the circle flower on . I 'm getting close to being done . I 'm hoping to be done tonight . If I do get it done tonight I 'll post it on my Instagram . I realized today I tend to do more blocks for everyone else than myself . I have photos of blocks I completely forgot I made for others . I know there is a couple out there I forgot to take a photo of . I called mom and told her I wouldn 't be at our quilt group meeting tomorrow . I still don 't want to share this . I 'm sure I 'm okay to go out , but I want to give it one more day . Today I woke to Patrick sending me back to bed . I slept pretty good on the couch . I slept a lot later than I have in a very long time . But then ones body tells them to sleep , one better sleep . Mom and dad called . They wanted me to know about their doctors wife . She found out the day before Christmas that she was at stage 3 breast cancer . Mom was saying today she 's now at stage 4 . Doctor Paul is about 5 years younger than me . He graduated a year after my younger brother . Check out his blog - it 's all about the process they are going through . They have 4 children . It 's sad , but interesting information . If you know anyone that is going through breast cancer , pass the link on . Okay , now back to my day . I decided today was going to be working on the friendship block . I am getting tired of doing others blocks . I know I said I would but it seems like I 'm always stuck on doing them . I was supposed to have bright colors . It looked good when I put the colors together with the flower color that has to be in the block . Now I 'm not so sure . I ended up taking out the top of the head to be able to put the top feather on . I don 't know why I put the body on when I had to put the top feather and feet on . I 'm going to have to take out part of the bottom to put the feet in . . . . . I must have really been sick not to know that ! Ugh . I just added the big flower stem . I have the outer part of the stem to applique down . I really want to get this over with so I can get back to my own blocks . I thought if I took the afternoon and worked on this I could at least have a block done . No such luck . Not sure if it will be done tonight or if I 'll work on it tomorrow . I really do want to get this completed and returned to Bev so I don 't have to worry about it later . Figured if I had it done and returned to Bev I can relax for the next 3 months before another one comes up . Today I took a break from my cross stitch . I 'm looking at it as I type this . I do want to get back to it , just like I want to get back to finishing my Baltimore Liberty block . One step at a time , so I keep telling myself . I haven 't been in the mood to go downstairs and work on the other top . One step at a time . . . . I 'm getting there . I need to think of a quilt that I want the gals to do for me when the time comes . I usually end up doing something I don 't plan . Maybe it 's time to get ahead of the game and plan a quilt that they will help me out with . There is a really good article in " Country " magazine about quilt blocks that were found in a garage sale and ended up back in the town where they were put together in 1934 . I was enjoying the reading , but the rest of the article is missing or somewhere I couldn 't find . I did enjoy the read though . lol Getting back to working on my stuff . I 'm excited to get my order in the mail as well . I was surprised to find out one of my orders from Amazon won 't be here till Feb 2 - 17 . I ordered it around the 5th of the month . . . . . couldn 't believe I read the delivery date wrong . The other funny part is that the bar that says it 's on the way is half way . . . . and stopped for a good week . Makes me wonder why the order is taking so long . Mysteries are fun to figure out ! Another Day . . . . . . Still Under The Weather ! Last night I went to the couch so Patrick could get up when the alarm went off . It wasn 't the best place to sleep but I was able to get some sleep . Woke more often then I wanted to . Think I woke myself up with the snoring ! lol I didn 't feel as good as I hoped today . I climbed back in bed after Patrick left . I slept for another hour and a half . Then I sat and played . I didn 't feel like doing much . I did put some pork ribs in the crock pot and let them cook all day . That way I didn 't have to worry about supper . I fixed noodles for Patrick and had myself a salad with the ribs . The bottom is coming along nicely . I 'm parking more . I was also filling in the spots that I had open from what I did before . I still have a few more to fill in . It 's coming along great . I watched another movie and pretty much got up for a drink . . . . and went back to work . I didn 't feel like doing anything and that was pretty close to what I did . . . nothing . Unless you count my cross stitch . I was working on my genealogy before writing this post . I was sorry to see the cousin I was trying to get connected with for almost 20 years , has died . She passed away during the time we were in contact . It explains why I didn 't get any more replies . I remember dads Uncle trying to get a hold of her as well . Neither one of us got an answer . Now after all these years , I know why . I was thinking I might quilt on the ship quilt tonight . It might keep me warm . I have been getting a little colder lately . I 'm really missing Charlie about now . She would be keeping me warm on my lap . I 've been working on my family history again . It 's going pretty good . I 've found a few of them in Canada . I was able to get the information I was looking for . I got an email awhile back that said my WFT ( World Family Tree ) program will no longer be updated after 2017 . I won 't be able to hook into ancestry with the information I put in it . I 'm really not happy about that . I love using my program and would rather have the information at my finger tips and not based on whether the site is up and running . OH ! Got my McCall 's Quilting magazine today . No , not renewing it . Anyway , I saw a pattern in there that I saw on a couple blogs . One was the circle quilt - which Karen 's Quilts has been working on . She talked about doing a circle quilt with another blogger who started the idea of doing a circle a day for a year . Karen is doing it with her . In the beginning she also showed how she was making " half circles " and putting them together . I was laughing at seeing that in the magazine . Karen has been doing that for about 3 months now . There was another quilt in there that I saw that is similar to what my cousin , Donna is doing . So , when it comes down to it , magazines are having a hard time finding " new " things . Time to get back to my projects . I hope everyone has been getting a lot done lately . I 'm hoping to get more done in the next few days . Guess being sick has it 's advantages . I was lucky though because my " sick " is a stuffed turkey in my head . I 'm lucky enough not to have to cough . . . so far . Now I 'm headed in the " TMI " stage , and will quiet while I 'm ahead . I pretty much worked on laundry and enjoyed a couple movies while working on my cross stitch . I was going to work on the ship quilt today . Changed my mind . The frog is almost done . I have some more to work on and then it will be done . I 'm enjoying how I can see what I 'm doing . It 's coming along so fast and I 'm happy with the way it is looking . I am going to finish up the flowers in the center and then I 'll finish up the bottom . I have found that I love doing the row by row . It 's not looking as bad on the back as I thought it would . It works . I 've been getting more done faster and the best part is I don 't have to try and figure out what color I missed or where I left one " x " out . The more I get into this , the more I want to get it done . I was a little disappointed that I couldn 't have waited a week with this cold . I didn 't get to go to my Brazilian embroidery group . I would have loved to have been there ! I will just have to get better so I can get back to the group . I 'm thrilled to find out the one gal in our group that has cancer , is coming back . She was going through treatment and wasn 't able to make it . She also started up our group . I was helping her out . Now she 's back and I will miss not sending out the messages . But I 'm excited to have her back ! Today I woke feeling awful ! Patrick had moved to the couch to let me get some sleep . He didn 't want to have to wake me up every time I was snoring or breathing heavy . I took some medication last night so I could sleep but kept waking up . I think I was waking myself up ! Came in the living room and told Patrick to go sleep for awhile in the bed . Poor guy had the couch and that couch isn 't very comfortable . Don 't know if he will do it again tonight but we will see . I sent a message to my BE group and told them I would not be sharing this cold ! I really don 't want to go out with this crud ! I didn 't want to work on the leaves . So , I moved over and started working on the bird . I got the beak and body done . Now I need to do the rest of the feathers for it . I basted and appliqued these down . I feel good that I actually did some applique work today , even when I was not feeling up to it . I have plenty more to do . I have been getting there . I have also been working on my cross stitch . It 's coming along great . I may do that this evening . . . . . Patrick is off bowling . Didn 't want to share this with anyone , so I stayed home . I get a text from time to time telling me what he 's doing as far as score . I did get my first text telling me who we were bowling . Kinda glad I 'm not bowling because the team he 's bowling isn 't very nice to me . I go to enjoy bowling but there is always a team or two that don 't " play nice . " Each stitch helps . As long as I can put a stitch or two in whatever it is I 'm working on , I 'm moving along great . One stitch at a time . . . Happy Quilting ! Today I was up at 6 : 30 am . I went looking for Kitty ! She 's no were to be had . I 've lost my beautiful Kitten . I love that Siamese cat . . . This morning I was up and ready to go . I enjoyed some TLC with my Kitty till about 8 : 10 am . Then called to make an appointment with the doct . . . Started out pretty early . I called Cherrill to see if she needed me today . She said not today . I then enjoyed the usual TLC time with Kitty . . . . Today I was up after Patrick left . I had actually went to the couch about 1 : 30 am because I got tired of Patrick poking me to roll over . Gue . . . All Rights ReservedUnless stated otherwise , all contents , texts , as well as images on this site are the sole property of Lynn Wiltzius / Quilting My Way and may not be reproduced or manipulated in any way without my permission / consent . Please contact me before any use of my work . Please do not pin any of my images without my permission . Google + Followers |
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